#Cause he wants to desperately protect those things but failed anyways

[lovebugism]

hi angel! I have a little fictober request … can I pls get holding hands for the first time from the prompt list with steve harrington and shy!reader? maybe they’re in a busy place and steve doesn’t want to lose r so he grabs her hand, not realising how ridiculously flustered she gets <3333

ty for requesting angel :D this can be read as a part two to this fic!

summary: steve takes you to a mall in the city in a desperate attempt to spend time with you, fending off freaks, douchebags, and your anxious tendencies alike (shy!reader, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers cw for mentions of anxiety, 3.5k)

fictober leftovers (㇏(•̀ᵥᵥ•́)ノ)

Steve idles between the X-rated horror and thriller sections for several long minutes until he works up the courage to talk to you. You’re a pretty little thing behind the counter, hand in your palm as you scribble into the journal Keith threatened to confiscate from you earlier that morning.

He’s never been this nervous to talk to you. Things are different now. Post-first date, and Steve’s still toeing that wretched line between friends and something more. The puppy love is so painfully mutual, but it’s equally hard to navigate. He can’t come on too strong — not with someone as soft as you — but he’s still got some King Steve left in him. He’s still learning how to be gentle.

With sweaty hands, he walks up to the counter and tries to be subtle about the whole thing. Stealthy, like a ninja. He leans on his folded-up arms and blurts before he means to, “So you’re, like, totally coming tomorrow, right?”

You lift your chin and blink at him with wide eyes. You hadn’t heard him come over, too busy doodling a bunch of nothingness in your notebook. Your stomach whirls at the sight of him. It takes you a moment too long to answer.

“Coming… where?”

“To the mall,” he reminds, then corrects himself with a shrug. “The one in the city— not the shithole we have here.”

“Oh. Uh, I don’t— I don’t know,” you stammer. Steve invited you earlier that week, and you promised to think about it. You did. And you want so desperately to go, but your brain’s too mean, and it just won’t let you.

The disappointment that flashes on his face is fleeting, but you don’t miss it. The hurt softens his features in an unbearable way. It makes your chest ache.

“C’mon,” Steve presses in a gentle lilt. He leans closer to you, eyes twinkling and lips curling. “It could be fun, you know? I mean, everyone’s gonna be there.”

He’s trying his best to persuade you. He has no idea that that’s exactly what’s keeping you from going. Crowds are always stress-inducing, even those of the familiar kind.

“Everyone as in…?”

“Robin, obviously. Dustin, too,” Steve answers, counting on his fingers as he goes. “Max is coming, but Lucas has a basketball thing, so he can’t. And the rest of the little shits are in California, so that’s definitely a plus.”

It’s a dumb joke, but it makes you laugh anyway — a quiet giggle of a thing that makes him grin.

“Uh… Eddie’s coming, too, I think— but don’t let that dissuade you, alright? I promise I’ll protect you from that freak. You don’t have to worry about him.”

You smile because you know he’s joking. You’ve met Eddie a couple times now. He’s always been really sweet to you. Him and Steve just have a strange complex that forces them to be assholes to each other.

“And also, I’m gonna be there. Obviously. So…” he trails off with a wavering smile. So if you don’t wanna come for them, maybe you can come for me, is what he’s really trying to tell you.

“I don’t know,” you repeat, quieter now as you shrink into yourself. You try and fail to meet Steve’s honeyed gaze. “I just feel like I’ll make everything all weird.”

His bushy brows pinch, almost in offense that you’d think you’re anything less than totally perfect. “Why would you think that?”

“‘Cause… I don’t know,” you murmur in a quiet sigh. You don’t want to lie to him, but telling the truth feels so much harder. “They don’t really know me, you know? And I feel like… like I’ll just ruin everything if I’m there…”

It takes Steve a couple of seconds to answer you. He doesn’t know how you could say something that — like you don’t light up every room you’re in. “Well, that’s… that’s just not true,” he argues with a shrug. “They like you. They love you, actually— they just wanna get to know you. And the only way they’re gonna get to know you is if you come hang out every once in a while.”

Your heart flutters. You want to believe him. It’s hard for you to comprehend that anyone could care so much about your presence, so you just nod and don’t say anything further. 

Steve is quick to comfort you, almost like he can read your mind. “But if you think it’s gonna be too much, you could always just stick with me. I’ll fend off the freaks for you, no problem.”

His cinnamon eyes glimmer with honey. He looks at you far too fondly to say no.

—————

There’s six of you crammed into Steve’s 733i. It’s already a tight fit, but it’s more suffocating when it’s full of a million different conversations. Almost all of them are pointed your way. Steve tries to bat everyone off of you, but it’s hard to yell at everyone and drive at the same time.

You’re being a pretty good sport about it despite how anxiously helpless you feel. 

You wring your clammy hands in your lap and try to regulate your bated breaths, nodding to whatever Max is telling you. It’s hard to hear her because Eddie’s talking to you, too. You’re too scared he’ll think you’re mean if you stop him.

You watch Robin reach for the radio, complaining about all the yelling as she turns up the volume. The cheesy pop song is all you can hear. The conversations around you become a monotone buzzing. You feel like you could just about explode.

“Jesus, you guys are acting like you’ve never seen another person before,” Steve shouts over it all, the only definite thing you can understand. “Let her breathe before she thinks we’re all a bunch of lunatics, alright?”

He’s met with a bunch of muffled complaints, but the noise quietens nonetheless.

Steve glances at you in the rearview, a quick check to make sure you’re still okay. You catch him doing it and try your best to give him a smile. It looks more like a wince.

“Well, it’s your fault for finally bringing someone cool around,” Max argues with all her practiced teenaged ambiguity. “I have to spend all day surrounded by freaks— at least now there’s someone halfway normal to talk to.”

“I’m normal!” Steve insists, face twisted in offense.

“You’re a jock.”

“Hey. C’mon, Red,” Eddie scolds, so obviously playful. “Let’s not go throwing the j-word around—”

The brunette boy huffs. “Thank you!”

“—Jock would imply that Steve’s still cool,” the wild-haired boy continues. “Which he isn’t.”

Poorly hidden laughter fills the small car. Steve nods and mutters beneath it all, “Yeah. Okay. Thanks for the clarification, Munson.”

He glances at you again and finds you cracking a halfway sincere smile. He shoots you a light-hearted glare. “Don’t laugh! You’re just encouraging him!”

“Sorry,” you apologize, hiding your giggle behind your fist. “’M sorry.”

Steve smiles at you, silently tells you he doesn’t really mean it. He’d let Musnon make fun of him all day if he thought it meant he’d get to hear you laugh like that again.

—————

You take your first good breath in an hour when you step out of the car. 

Steve shuts it off and gravitates towards you on instinct. His honey eyes are wide as they dart across your flustered features. You see his hands reach towards you, to grab your elbows maybe, but he decides against it.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” you nod, quicker than you mean to. “I’m good.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I really tried to—”

“I know,” you cut him off with a sweet, still quiet smile. “It’s still okay.”

He sighs heavy, like a deep breath of relief. “Okay. Good,” he hums, almost to himself, nodding with a pink grin you could stare at all day. He would’ve let you, but neither of you get the chance. 

Your friends start messing around, and the chaos melts into the buzzing crowd surrounding you, and you realize the two of you aren’t the only people on earth. Bummer.

You gather around the large map at the entrance of the bustling mall. “Where should we go first?” Dustin chirps from the front of the crowd. His eyes are as wide as his smile. “Game Player? Sam Goody? Oh, look— they have a RadioShack! I’ve been looking for a new supercomm. It’s on the other side of the  building, though, but we can just work our way around, I guess—”

“Jesus, Dusty-Bun,” Robin interjects with a gritty laugh. She stands on the outside of the group, arms crossed over her chest, effortlessly too cool for it all. “Take a breath, buddy.”

“Don’t call me that!” the boy gripes over his right shoulder.

Steve shrugs. “Go wherever you want to. I don’t care.”

Dustin looks to his left, shooting the older boy a glare. “Aren’t you supposed to be the babysitter?”

“You’re fourteen!”

“Well, what if I get kidnapped?”

“No one’s kidnapping you, alright? Trust me,” Steve jokes, only smiling when he sees you trying to hide yours. He puts his hands on his waist and cocks his hip to the side. “They’ll send you right back where you came from. You have nothing to worry about.”

Dustin squints. “Rude.”

“We’ll just meet back at the food court in, like, two hours. And if you don’t get yourself killed, you’ll be fine,” Steve reasons with a nonchalant shrug and a jutted-out lip.

“Oh. Wow. Thanks, Steve. What would I ever do without you?”

He rolls his cinnamon eyes at the boy’s monotone. “Alright, smartass.”

When the rest of the group dissipates, he leans over to nudge your shoulder. It knocks you from your stupor — so deep in your own head you were practically drowning. You blink at him with wide, glassy eyes. “Hm?”

“Do you wanna go anywhere?” he asks with a wavering smile. His laugh is equally forced. “You’re kinda staring a hole into the map there…”

“Oh. No. I was just…” you trail off with a shake of your head. You’re not entirely sure what to tell him, how to make him understand your easily overstimulated mind. “I was just distracted. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. No big deal.”

“Where did everyone else go?” you wonder with a furrow to your brow, noticing the lack of familiar chaos around you.

“Eddie and Dustin went to some movie store, and I think Robin and Max are on the hunt for cassettes.”

“Okay...” you nod with a tremble in your voice. 

You’re still not totally used to being alone with Steve. Your friends are usually good distractions. They fill your awkward silences with something funnier and talk loud when you get too quiet. When they’re not around it’s just… awkward silences and quiet air. 

You get too in your own head, so eager to impress the pretty boy beside you, that you end up putting your foot in your mouth.

Steve doesn’t seem nearly as apprehensive. Instead, he’s beaming at the fact that he’s finally got you alone. He doesn’t have to worry about quieting Dustin when he gets too loud or shoving Eddie away when he forgets what personal space is. It’s quieter with just the two of you — warmer, cozier, easier.

“Wanna go down to the food court?” he wonders, honey eyes sparkling when he looks your way. “I know you haven’t eaten anything yet, so…”

Your eyes narrow, accusing and playful. “How would you know that?”

“Uh, ‘cause I know you,” the boy scoffs like it’s obvious. “I basically have to force you to eat every morning.”

“That’s not true!”

“It so is!” Steve giggles and it’s heaven to your ears, the exact sound of honey. “That’s why I hate not opening with you. ‘Cause if I’m not around to force you to eat the other half of my Poptart, I’m just, like, worrying if you’re withering away or not.”

Your face burns hot. Your heart swells with a similar warmth that borders on painful. You didn’t think he cared so much about you — or that he ever thought about you outside of work or the occasional hangout.

“Fine,” you concede with your arms crossed over your chest, trying not to seem as flustered as you feel. “Let’s go to the food court.”

Steve grins. He follows you in stride when you start to head that way. “Cool. We can go get one of those disgustingly good burgers or something.”

“For breakfast?” you wonder with a light-hearted laugh.

“Yeah! Like, one of those crazy huge ones, you know? The patties are, like, the size of your fist— make a fist.”

You do. You ball your fingers and hold them up between you. Steve holds onto your wrist for further inspection, fingers long and warm and soft. You swallow.

“Bigger than your fist,” he corrects with a laugh. The sweet sound is drowned out by the swell of yelling teenagers. They talk so loudly and over one another that their conversations become a meaningless drones.

Two in particular shove at one another, laughing loud like it’s fun. One of them almost barrels into you — long blonde hair, tight shirt, tighter jeans, and cologne so potent it stings your nose. He just narrowly misses you, mostly because Steve’s there to yank you out of the way.

The boy’s gentle grip on you tightens. He pulls you close until you’re stumbling into his side. With a strong arm wrapped around you, he shouts at the roughhousing teens — “Watch where you’re going, assholes!”

The scrawny boys walk on ahead of you. They seem apologetic, halfway scared at first. When they realize Steve’s not rushing to beat their asses, they chuckle about the whole thing and keep punching each other.

You’re still frozen in shock — not so much of fear anymore, but of how tightly Steve’s holding onto you. It’s an embrace of the firmer kind, a touch so solid you feel immediately safer inside it. You don’t think you’ve ever been this close before. The teenage girl in your heart starts to spin.

“You okay?” Steve asks when the anger ebbs.

“Yeah,” you nod, swallowing tightly and forcing an awkward laugh. “You don’t have to keep asking me that, you know?”

He nods rapidly, then notices how close he’s holding you. Fearful that he’s made you uncomfortable, he uncurls his arm from around you and takes a small step back. “No, I know! I just wanna— I just wanna make sure, you know? ‘Cause I know you don’t like… all this.”

He waves his hands vaguely out beside him.

You’re immediately cold without him holding you. You wrap your arms around yourself to compensate for the lack of him. 

“Yeah, but… It’s not the rest of the world’s fault that I’m scared of everything,” you say with another forced laugh, shifting your weight on your feet. If you could melt into your oversized sweater, you would. “It’s mine. So I can deal with it. I have to deal with it.”

Steve nods, slower this time and with a silent sense of understanding. He steps closer to you and shrugs. “I think the least I can do is make it a little easier on you… And I feel like I’ve been doing the exact opposite of that all day.”

“That’s not true,” you argue with the shake of your head.

His chocolate eyes widen. You’re rarely so assertive. “No?”

“No,” you answer, softer this time as you grow sheepish all over again. Your unsure gaze darts from your dirty sneakers to his twinkling eyes until it makes you dizzy. “You’re actually making it more bearable for me, so…”

“Oh. Okay. Good,” he nods with a smile, breathless because his chest is swelling with pride. He knows the world can be a little much for someone as soft as you. It’s good to know that he’s the exception to all that. 

He gets lost in the way you look at him for a moment too long. He clears his throat and stammers, “Uh, do you still wanna go get food?” he asks, pointing off beside him. “We can find somewhere quiet to eat so we don’t have to deal with teenage douchebags the entire time.”

Your heart lurches into your throat. It’s practically your love language — spending time alone in a quiet space, with no overt need for conversation or people to fill the void. 

You nod, trying and failing to hide the beam on your face. “Yeah. That’d be nice.”

—————

The quiet place in question is a photo booth on the halfway vacant, furthest end of the mall. Closed curtains, small spaces, and entwined breaths. It smells like his deep cologne, your perfume, and a freshly cooked meal. It’s too easy to forget that there’s a whole world outside of here.

You sit twisted on the bench, facing Steve with your burger trays in front of you. You pluck salty fries from the plate with a trembling hand, distantly fearful that you’re not supposed to be eating here. You think being so close to Steve is worth the risk.

“Is this the day you were expecting to have?” Steve asks with a lopsided grin. He takes a big bite of his burger right after and gets mustard on the corner of his mouth.

“No,” you answer, giggling as he swipes the stain away with his tongue. “But not because it’s bad.”

“Hm?” he hums to egg you on. He’s got too much of a mouthful for anything else.

“Mm-mm,” you shake your head, equally nonverbal as you chew on a handful of fry crumbs. You swipe your palms together to dispel the grains of salt. “I’m having more fun than I thought I would, actually.”

Steve scoffs in disbelief. “Spending time with me? Alone in a photo booth? That’s a good time to you?”

His tone makes you self-conscious. You feel a little shameful, like a child, because you don’t need much to be entertained. You get all warm with embarrassment, too. Being alone with Steve has always felt like climbing mountains — something short of an adrenaline rush that makes you think you could conquer the world. Maybe you’re too small in comparison to do the same for him.

“Yeah,” you shrug in an inaudible murmur. “I don’t know— I just… I like spending time with you, you know? I don’t really care what we’re doing.”

Steve’s chest swells. From a girl who too often keeps to herself, inherently nervous and incessantly frightened of being a burden, it’s more of a proclamation of love than he ever thought he’d get from you.

“Well, I’m glad we’re on the same page,” he confesses with a crooked pink grin, internally praying his cheeks aren’t as red hot as they feel.

He holds his half-eaten burger out towards you. You knock yours with his, clinking them together like champagne glasses. He takes another too big bite. You go to do the same but get a whiff of the sleeve of your sweater before you can. 

“God, I smell like a teenage boy,” you groan, only half-playful. The nose-burning musk from the kid from before has seemingly stuck itself onto you. Like fruit and sage and wood and vanilla, every scent ever made combined.

“I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you definitely smell like bodyspray,” Steve affirms, scruffy cheeks jutted out from the burger in his mouth.

“I think I’ve been tainted,” you giggle, a quieter sound compared to his boyish laughter. “Thanks for saving me, by the way.”

You’re saying it to be nice, but you watch him get all shy about it when you take a bite of your sandwich. He shifts on the bench, like he suddenly can’t get comfortable. When he rubs his palms on his thighs, you can’t tell if it’s because of the salty fries or because they’re clammy.

“Yeah— I didn’t mean to— I didn’t mean to grab you like that,” he stammers with an apologetic twinkle in his eye and a gaze that can’t quite meet yours. “Just so you know. I was just trying to—”

“Save me?” you interject.

Steve smiles when he sees how softly you’re looking at him. He shrugs. “Well, I was gonna say ‘pull you from the line of fire,’ but sure.”

“It’s okay,” you repeat for perhaps the thousandth time that day. “I didn’t mind. It felt nice, actually— you have really warm hands.”

“That’s ‘cause yours are always ice cold.”

“Well, maybe that’s because you’re not holding them,” you blurt before you mean to. 

You freeze mid-bite, eyes wide in distant horror as your blood runs cold. In a desperate attempt to break away from the awkwardness you caused, you muster a trembling smile. “I’m kidding,” you murmur, halfway hidden behind your burger.

You weren’t.

Steve knows this, too, so he smiles. 

He’d been thinking about it all day, in truth — how he was gonna get to hold your hand without having to stick his foot in his mouth to ask you. Turns out, a series of unfortunate events and an impromptu date in a photo booth was all it took. And he’s grateful. For all of it.

“No, you weren’t,” he teases, fingers as warm as his smile when he wraps them around yours. He holds gently onto your hand — even though it makes eating a little harder, even though your fingers are cold, even though you tremble.

[yuri-is-online]

Another Beautiful Day (First Years x Yuu)

(gif taken from google, originally uploaded to tumblr but user apparently deleted)

You have been having strange dreams lately. Every time you go to sleep you se the same set of flashing images, a carriage ride, a crumbling castle under a ink stained sky, ending in the jaws of a monster. The pain you feel from the flames makes you wonder, on nights when you are alone in Ramshackle with Grim, if those dreams are less fiction and more of a memory.

You are not the only one who has those dreams. There's another, laying awake in his bed, hand clutched tightly over his frantically beating heart trying desperately to hold the fraying edges of his sanity together. How many times has he done this? How many times has he tried to hold onto the last fleeting traces of warmth in you with his cold, unworthy hands.

Again. He loves you, that is the one thing that refuses to change no matter how many times the world is reset. He loves you, he has no choice but to try again.

notes: they/them pronouns used for Yuu, hurt almost no comfort, borderline yandere behavior. If this made you feel something you can check out the other parts on my masterlist.

Ace

There was, perhaps still is, a pretty viral theory about Ace being a traitor involved in resetting time. While I can't ever see Ace purposefully causing Yuu's death ever, I can see him deciding that if he has to play the villain to get the outcome that he wants, well then, that's just what he's going to have to do. Ace knows how to annoy people, comes with the youngest child territory, more specifically he knows how to annoy you. He can stand having no one if it means everyone's focus is on keeping you safe, it's easier to admit that he loves you when no one's around to hear it. It occurs to you that he might, it even crosses your mind that the strange dreams your time-loop troubled subconscious is so desperate to hang onto, ones where you are with someone you love dearly, could be about him. How else would he know how to push all your buttons, why else does he always know when and where you'll be in trouble. If Ace doesn't love you, why does he know all the things you like about this world before you do? It's a painful thing to be known, even more so if the person who knows you refuses to let themselves be vulnerable with you. The more things change the more they stay the same... huh?

Deuce

Ever watched Tokyo Revenges? I know some of you have, I can see you. Anyway Deuce might not be a crybaby but he is loyal, determined, and stuck on desperately trying to save you. Well not just you, Deuce realizes that Overblot Grim spells doom for a lot more people that just those inside NRC. Sage's island might be remote, but people still live there, if the monster got out who knows what sort of damage it will do? He tries his best to be normal around you, to befriend you and protect you in just the same way he did before, but he's a much more serious and moody person than he was the first loop around. How is he supposed to explain to you he couldn't save you, that he's watched you die countless times and only had ashes to hold and cry over? Not just you either, he's seen Ace and Epel and Jack, hell even Sebek, Die over and over again because he wasn't smart enough to stop it. Ace manages to pick up on something being wrong, and Deuce being Deuce he fails to lie properly, "dragging him into his mess." But he can tell Ace doesn't mind. He takes his impending doom as a challenge, encouraging Deuce to do so as well. He's stupid, he should just give up and let someone smarter save you. But he's your stupid, kind of crybaby hero. He'll save you, just you see.

Jack

Trying to save you is as much an instinct to Jack as it is raw emotion. You are his soulmate, there is nothing casual about his investment in your relationship, nothing short of divine intervention that will keep him from trying to save you. But he will admit he feels rather unprepared for this... development. It's all well and good to say you will break reality before he lets it take you from him, but actually being strong enough to do that? Jack's a good boy, but no matter how smart he is he's a bit of a muscle head. He throws himself into problems fist first, without any back up unless someone yanks him by the scruff and forces him to look at it. Usually that's you, sometimes it's Ruggie or Leona, but in the past it was you. He knows he can't keep himself from you, even if that could make you safer. Unlike the first timeline, he makes sure to introduce himself as early as possible, makes sure to be with you for every overblot. You might find it annoying but he'll push you to train just enough so that you'll have the speed to run when the final monster comes. Maybe this time, he'll be strong enough to kill it before it catches up to you.

Epel

Sleep Kiss cannot put you to sleep forever. Yet. Yes yet, Malleus isn't the only one who thinks letting you nap forever is a good idea. Great minds think alike, and unlike Malleus's, Epel has an added bonus. He can encase you in a glass cage that is literally meant to protect you from anything that wants to hurt you. Not that you would ever expect this plan from Epel. He's cute, kind, non-threatening when you're paying attention, the most you see of his temper as the loops continue is the slightly bratty glare he focuses on pre-overblot housewardens. And the headmage, but hey any anger at him always gets a pass from him. Not that you need to worry about that, once Epel masters his spell you won't have to worry about anything. He does wonder if you'll be able to dream, the first time he cast his spell on you it was like you didn't realize anything had happened at all. Maybe he won't tell you anything, maybe he'll wake you up every once and a while to convince you that you were never asleep at all. But that's not a concern for now, all you need to do is close your eyes and sleep. Sleep and wait for your Prince to return from the war.

Sebek

Following the current timeline, events aside, Sebek is on the outside of your friend group. No one likes him, he can't sit with you. The only real reason Sebek has to pay attention to you is because Malleus does. And he has to admit he doesn't exactly hate what he sees, he just- doesn't want to give credit to a human. When time is re-set though, he goes out of his way to befriend you, convinced he needs to keep an eye on you to save his lord. After all, how could he not find it suspicious that Malleus befriends some random human from not-Twisted Wonderland and then suddenly overblots? He is ready to strike at the first sign of betrayal, but he does not find it. He finds a human, weak and flawed, but paitent and kind with him, unwilling to let him talk down to them but still willing to talk. You die, but you never stop trying. You refuse to let the flaws he picks at stop you from trying to live. You refuse, no matter how many times he yells about the amount of times he has lost his lord, lost you, to let him do all the work alone. There is beauty in your struggle, in your life. He can't betray this for his lord, even if it was the cause of his plight. It's Silver he turns to for help, begging him for guidance through tears as he desperately clings to you. He finds it of course, he never had to do any of this alone, but he should know by now that doesn't guarantee success, no matter how much he wants it to.

[gleamingtempest]

DRDT - Final Murderer Predictions

Please share your final murderer prediction on this post. : ) Feel free to share theories as well. Below will be a list of potential murder motive for every remaining student. There are spoilers.

CW: Suicide, Derealization

It is an equal failing to trust everybody, and to trust no one at all.

Distrust is Teruko's folly. Teruko killed to protect herself from danger.

If you forgot it, then it probably wasn’t important to begin with. None of those memories should ever be kept, anyway.

Charles forgot. Charles killed so that he could learn the truth behind his secret & the trauma of the event caused him to forget the truth.

You can’t go back, no matter how hard you try.

Regret. Eden clings to a regret she has in the outside world, so tightly that she seeks release from the pressure of the Killing Game. She killed out of desperation.

Why should I own up for the mistakes that someone else made?

Nico hated the victim. Their resentment boiled over and they compulsively organized a murder for the victim.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

Ace was terrified of dying so he killed in order to escape. Having seen his life flash before his eyes, he now clings to life more desperately than before.

I want to pay for what I’ve done. But even then, I still want to live.

Hu killed for the sake of living itself. A desperation to cling to something which has been fleeting for her entire life. She was given a reason to live by the killing game itself and she won't let go of it now that she finally has it.

Once something is broken, it can never be pieced together in quite the same way again. The same goes for people.

Veronika was bored. The killing game wasn't up to her entertainment standards, so she wanted to spice things up.

In the end, the only thing I can do is watch my wretched life go on.

Rose was exhausted. Her nightmares, memories, the present and the future all blended into one and Rose lost her sense of reality. Without even realizing what she was doing, Rose killed the victim.

Please don’t call me your daughter ever again.

J killed the victim for the sake of vengeance. This group threw & disregarded her problems, so why should she give a crap about them? She clearly doesn't matter to them.

You hated them, but even that doesn’t justify what you did.

Arturo killed the victim for personal vengeance. The victim slighted him so he wanted them to pay for what they'd done. That day should never have been remembered.

I always believed that a person is defined by their actions alone. But maybe that’s just a poor excuse for my heartlessness.

Levi killed for self preservation. Not bothered by the result one way or another, Levi saw killing to escape as the most practical solution to the Killing Game scenario. It was nothing personal.

We tend to idolize the dead.

Whit killed the victim. (???)

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I wish you could just die.

David killed the victim for his ideal. There's something which matters more than all of your lives; now - die for it.

[dathomirror]

This is just going to be a bunch of word vomit regarding how I interpret Crosshair's character arc thusfar because he's my fave and episode 12 has me reeling. I'm starting to form semi-coherent thoughts about why I've become so attached to him as a character despite his infrequent appearances and questionable actions.

***Bad Batch Season 2 Spoilers Ahead***

Crosshair is, above all, a protector. He was engineered to be that way. His job is to watch from afar with those eagle eyes and keep his brothers from being overwhelmed by enemies they can't possibly see coming. I think this definitely translates within the Batch as a detached older sibling dynamic. He loves his brothers dearly, but he sure as heck isn't going to admit it because that would be severely uncool. Actions speak louder than words anyway. Definitely an "acts of service" over "physical touch" kind of guy.

The grumpy outer shell is just a different kind of armor- one that gives him the reputation of being prickly and cold, and protects all the soft and squishy emotion on the inside. I would argue that all of his actions are motivated by, or are perversions of this deeply rooted instinct to protect his brothers, biochip or not.

He also displays a strong opposition to change of any kind. We see this in CW when he protests working with "regs". His unwillingness to stand down when targeting Saw Guerrera's people, and aversion to rescuing Omega? He knows what happened to Fives and others like him- the nail that sticks out gets hammered down. Whether or not he wanted to carry out questionable orders at this point, he knew that failing the mission meant his brothers would be in trouble.

Now this is not to say all his actions are defensible. After being left on Kamino to be exploited by the Empire, he is rightfully feeling used and unrecognized, but that certainly doesn't excuse gunning down innocents or hunting his brothers. I do however feel like it has all been leaning more towards cornered animal behavior than malicious intent. He has been desperately clinging to some semblence of sameness in a quickly changing galaxy and it's caused him to put up blinders to the atrocities the Empire is commiting. He's trapped now because he's stubborn, and he can spin anything to sound righteous if it means not having to confront the true consequences of his actions. This is something that I hope can be addressed eventually. I want that Zuko-esque taking-responsibility-for-my-actions redemption arc so very badly.

On the subject of Omega, I think he sees her primarily as a disruption of his routine. I don't necessarily think he likes or dislikes her as of yet. She's just something different. When he saves her at the end of season 1, it's very much motivated by his default need to keep his brothers happy and safe. If she were to die, it would devastate the others, so we can't have that. He likely feels replaced. I think he could learn to care for her, given time and space to process the change.

Despite having almost no screen time this season, I do love the tidbits we have gotten to see. Cross is beginning to realize that the things he's done are wrong, despite his intentions. With his brothers gone, he was so desperately trying to find something to defend that he didn't stop to think if it was worth defending at all. In episode 3, the part that really gets me is near the end of the mission when Cody is being reprimanded by the new imperial governer. Crosshair doesn't shoot until Cody is threatened for not carrying out the order, and his reaction is nigh instantaneous. I'm honestly not entirely convinced he would have shot her otherwise. Working with Cody was the closest thing he's had in months to working with his brothers again- someone familiar. If it had been any other clone that he didn't have a relationship with, I think he would have absolutely let them take the fall for their disobedience.

This brings me to episode 12, and boy am I a wreck. The underappreciation he thought he felt from his brothers is nothing compared to the emotional neglect this new regime is doling out. Any sense of familiarity is gone at this point. His brothers are gone, and now Cody is too. We see new regulations- "you're out of uniform" (seriously fuck that guy), and clone troopers being forcibly retired, etc. I interpreted his demeanor at the start of this episode as very much just numb. All that's left is the stoic shell he's carefully curated, and it's got nothing left to shield. Until he meets Mayday. Now I don't know how intentional this was, but Mayday instantly reminded me of Hunter, both physically and in his mannerisms, and especially in his attitude towards the other clone troopers under his command. Crosshair seemed to relax almost immediately in his presence, and I knew then and there Mayday wasn't going to survive the episode. He was going to be Crosshair's last straw. I hate when I'm right, sometimes. We see his protective instincts flip back on like a light switch when this surrogate brother is hurt, and for the first time onscreen that shell is gone. We see genuine worry and pain on his face, and it really fuckin hurt because it's been building for so long. Crosshair did literally everything he could do to protect this trooper that reminds him of his brother, and for the first time, it's not enough- he fails in his role. The Empire has now taken from him the very core of his identity, and I think that's why he finally snaps.

Side note: the symbolism in this episode was so good. Being told he's out of uniform at the beginning and then losing his helmet in the snow by the end. Being buried by an avalanche that he caused. Letting Mayday use his rifle as a crutch when all it's ever been is an instrument of destruction. The ice vultures coming full-circle. *chef's kiss*

Anyway, as an older sibling myself, and as someone who has always struggled with expressing their emotions, dealing with change, or physically expressing affection, I'm really hyperfixating on Crosshair's journey and I just really want to see him safely reunited with his brothers.

[lizard-on-a-window-pane]

Hi. Could you do Sirius Black x reader where his family hurts ger? Angst with some fluff if possible ☺️

thank you for requesting!! i hope you like it 💜 i decided to make it new year's themed given the day

A Black New Year's Eve

pairing: Sirius Black x reader

summary: Sirius invites you, his best friend and a muggle-born, to his family’s New Year’s Eve party. Their reaction is worse than he’d imagined.

tags / warnings: friends to lovers, some mutual pining, angst with a happy ending, fluff, mentions of pain, she/her reader, muggle born reader, bitchy Bellatrix

word count: 3.6k

“Come to our New Year’s party with me,” Sirius asked you as you walked along the Black Lake together the night before you’d all be leaving for the Christmas holiday. 

“Has the cold made you go mad, Siri? Your family would tear me apart.” “I’ll protect you,” he winked and nudged your shoulder with his. 

“Don’t you complain about that party every year anyway? It sounds like a miserable time.” “It is!” You looked at him incredulously. “Then why would I want to go?” “Because even though it’s miserable, I’ll be there.” His tone still had hints of his typically playful one, but he sounded more sincere when he continued, “And if you’re there with me, it’ll go from miserable to pretty great probably. I hate being there, y/n. In that house, with those people. I can’t stand it. But if I did anything about it, my family might actually tear me apart.”

Your heart ached for him. You knew how terrible his home life was, and you knew how special it was that he would open up to you about it. Sirius had mastered acting like everything was alright, like he didn’t have a care in the world when other people were around, but with you, he could be both that silly, nonchalant Sirius as well as the boy who was hurt and broken in ways many people wouldn’t understand. 

And you loved every side of him, strong and vulnerable. He was your best friend in the world, but you would be lying to yourself if you pretended you didn’t wish he was more than that.

“Who knows; we might even make a fun time of it,” he chuckled.

You stayed serious because even though you were partly joking before, his family did terrify you. You wanted to be there for him (and to spend as much time with him as possible), but the annual Black New Year’s Eve party was a who’s who of elitist pure-bloods. And you, they would never fail to remind you, were muggle-born. 

“You really think they’d be okay with my showing up to their lovely, pure-blood soirée?” you asked sarcastically. 

“No. Definitely not. But fuck them. If they’re going to make me be there, then I can invite whoever I want. Besides it’s my house, too, no matter how much they — and I — wish it wasn’t. And I want you to come, so sod what they have to say about it.”

You chewed your lip in worried thought, and he wrapped his arm around your shoulders.

“Look, if you don’t want to, I understand. No pressure, love. I mean, for Godric’s sake, I definitely wouldn’t be going if I could get out of it, so I understand the aversion,” he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, but you could hear the desperation underneath his lighter tone. “No, Siri, of course I want to go with you. I want to make celebrating the new year fun for you for once,” you smiled, “I’m just worried about the drama my crashing the party would cause.” “People might look at us funny, might say nasty things even, but you know they’re wrong. Assholes. Idiots. The lot of them. And you get those comments here too, as much as I wish you wouldn’t, and I’ve always admired how strong you are, how you don’t care what people like that think of you.”

“Yeah?” “Of course, love.” His smile, his arm around you, his softer side, it was all enough to warm you up even out in the freezing cold. 

“Alright, Black, I’ll be there, but you’ll owe me one. Or one hundred.” “Thank you! thank you! thank you!” he hopped up and down then made his half-hug a full one and kissed your cheek as his he continued energetically, “You’re the best, y/n, really. You’re brilliant. Thank you.” “Alright, alright, you sap,” you giggled, but your beaming smile made it evident you loved his affections. 

Time passed, students going home, Christmas coming and going in what felt like a flash to you. New year’s was coming up, with it the party, and as the big day approached, your anxiety grew. Part of you was nervous about attending such a formal event in the first place. These parties might be commonplace for Sirius, growing up like he did, but you were worried about everything from whether your dress would be appropriate to if there would be dancing and, if so, if there’d be fancy steps you didn’t know. Add the whole muggle-born thing on top of that, and you were a ball of nerves by December 31st as you stood in front of your mirror, attempting to straighten your dress and your posture. Sirius had done his best to assuage your worries, answering all your questions in owls you’d been sending back and forth, but you couldn’t help the nerves anyway. You took one last deep breath, one last glance at your reflection, then made your way out to the waiting cab, trying to focus on your excitement at seeing Sirius rather than your nerves at seeing, well, everyone else. 

As you pulled up to Number 11, Grimmauld Place, Sirius having informed you not to give the driver his actual address given the confusion its invisibility to him would cause, you couldn’t help but chuckle to yourself at the slight absurdity of it all. You were about to attend a party so out of your normal life; you were probably the only person showing up by non-magical means; all of it was just so odd. 

You waited for the cab to drive away before making your way to the Blacks’ door. You knocked, your hand shaking a bit as you brought it back down to your side, and waited. 

A minute later, you were greeted by the most miserable looking house elf. 

“Welcome to the home of the noble and most ancient house of Black,” he croaked.

“Thank you,” you responded, doing a bit of an awkward curtsy as you made your way into the massive foyer. 

“Who are you?” A cold, sharp voice snapped at you, jolting your back straight in your already anxious state. You turned and were met with a beautiful but grim looking woman with the most elegant dress, giant jewels, and perfect hair. 

You stared blankly at her, shocked speechless for a moment. “Well?” she asked again, not a hint of kindness in her bold voice.

“I’m here for Sirius. He invited me.” “Sirius invited you? and what is your name?” “y/n.” “No, you silly girl. Your last name. Who is your family?” “Oh. y/l/n. y/n y/l/n. You wouldn’t have heard of us, I’m sure.” She frightened you, but you responded honestly without hesitation, having no shame in your background or family. 

“My parents are muggles,” you continued, to fill the stifling silence. “You’re a mudblood?” The disdain and disgust were immediate on her expression, turning beautiful features monstrous in an instant. “This must be Sirius’s idea of a joke. He’s getting brasher and brasher, forgetting his place. Inviting a mudblood into our home? completely unacceptable,” she said, more to herself than to you. “Kreacher,” she snapped. “Fetch Sirius.” “Yes, madam.” He bowed low and adoringly, all the while letting out loud phrases toward you, “Disgusting. Disgraceful. A mudblood in my mistress’s house. Filthy mudblood.”

You didn’t know what to do, were desperate for Sirius to appear. A man turned a corner into the entry hall, but your heart sank as you saw it wasn’t him. 

“Orion,” Walburga said. “Our son has decided it funny to invite a mudblood to our party. She showed up in one of those barbaric muggle contraptions, no regard for who saw her walking into our house, like she was welcome here, for Salazar’s sake. She’ll be on her way shortly, but I don’t want Sirius to think he’s getting away with this.” The derision rolled off her tongue, clearly very at home there.

Just then, Sirius finally came into sight. Even in the extremely stressful circumstances, you couldn’t help but be struck at how handsome he looked. Regal and beautiful like his parents, but lacking the coldness and contempt that made their beauty off-putting. 

“y/n!” He smiled, like his mother was not staring daggers into him, and quickly made his way to you. He hugged you, and it was the most welcome sensation, his familiar intoxicating smell, the warmth that only his contact gave you.

“Excuse me.” Walburga hissed, anger mixing into the now characteristic disdain.

Sirius broke your hug, but kept his arm around you. It felt different than it usually did, and it took you the smallest fraction of a second to identify the difference: it was protective. It was still affectionate, in a Sirius kind of way, but it was firmer, angled a bit strange so that he could maintain, whether consciously or not you didn’t know, his body between yours and his mother’s. “Mother. This is my friend, y/n, and she’s my guest tonight,” he said, as if informing her of an uninteresting fact, in a formal, distant tone you’d never heard from him.

“You think this is funny? Sirius Orion Black, you have no idea what’s coming to you if you keep up this little charade.” A cold washed over your body at her words, the threatening tone not a typical parental one in which the threat was never as bad as it sounded when made in anger. Her threat was real, her anger measured. “No, I don’t think it’s funny. She’s my friend, and I want her here. I won’t bother trying to change any of your appalling views, but I hope you’ll be human enough to let us have a fine time tonight. Now, excuse us.” His bravery astounded you. He brought his arm down around your waist and pulled you with him past his parents further into the house. 

It was enormous and elegant in a way that a museum might be. Not only because so many of the items looked like they ought to be on display in one, but also because of the accompanying unwelcoming sense you get in a museum that you should not touch anything. This house was no home, and you held Sirius more tightly at the mere thought of having to grow up here.

Impeccably dressed people were milling about, champagne in their hands, their chins raised in a look you’d come to expect from pure-bloods. You saw a couple of familiar faces — Regulus, Bellatrix and her sisters, a few other fellow students — but mostly, these people were strangers. A few shot strange looks your way, clearly confused at not recognizing you. They all knew each other, of course, and expected a host of the party to have an impressive or at least appropriate date. 

“Ignore them,” Sirius whispered into your ear, and a chill shot down your spine, but this one was much more pleasant than the cold his relatives had elicited. 

You gave him your best attempt at a smile, and his smile in return only enhanced his handsome features. You walked around a little, not breaking apart, and when you finally stopped in an emptier corner of the room, Sirius turned to look at you and said, “You look so beautiful, y/n. I’m not surprised; you always do, but still, it’s stunning every time.” He paused, scanning your face, admiring you but clearly also curious — nervous even? — to see how you’d react to his compliments. Sure, he was often flirtatious, but this was something else, something further, more intimate. 

You didn’t know what to say, so instead you grabbed his hand, entwined your fingers and squeezed. He smiled and you could see some tension leaving his shoulders as he exhaled. 

“I’m so glad you’re here. Sorry about my mother. She’s always like that. That was her being nice even.”

“It’s alright. I mean, she was terrifying, but I’m really glad to see you.” “I missed your voice, love.” His thumb caressed the back of your hand still in his. 

The tender moment was interrupted by a terrible laugh you’d recognize anywhere. Bellatrix. 

“Oh, how sweet! Our little red-and-gold sheep of the family invited his mudblood girlfriend to the party! I’m not interrupting am I? I’d say I’d hate to, but actually, I hope I am,” she smirked. “Save all of our guests the sight of you laying hands on a filthy mudblood, cousin,” she continued, the aggression making its way through the fake amusement. “Honestly. I don’t know how you could have possibly turned out so rotten. I pity your parents; they must be so ashamed of you.”

Sirius’s jaw was clenched, his stormy grey eyes piercing Bellatrix. 

“Sod off, Bella. I think I saw Rodolphus somewhere over there. I’m sure he’s missing you. Though, honestly, he’s probably grateful for the break. Enjoying the peace of you not snapping at him and bossing him around like you’re already the bitter married couple you’ll be in a few years.”

“Of course you can’t recognize a good match when you see one. Bringing this to your own party.” 

You felt Sirius tense next to you, clearly much more angered at her insulting you than him.

“I mean it, Bella. Sod. Off.” 

“Or what? Is little Sirius going to make a scene?” she laughed. “How can you defend her honour if she obviously doesn’t have any,” she scoffed. 

“She,” you cut in, “isn’t above making a scene, Bellatrix. It’s not like anyone here would like me even if I didn’t.” 

Bellatrix turned from Sirius to you, eyeing you up and down like a predator sizing up its prey, completely unfazed by your confrontation. 

“You’re lucky I have sense of decorum, y/l/n. Or I’d show you how magic is used by those of us to whom it rightly belongs.” Her voice was level, somehow more venomous in its indifference. 

Sirius’s hand went to his pocket, grabbing his wand, but before anything could escalate, Walburga approached. A part of you expected her to defuse the situation, the parental figure telling the children to simmer down. Instead, Walburga laid a hand on Bellatrix’s should and said, “Bellatrix, darling, would you do us the favor of escorting Sirius’s little friend out?”

Bellatrix’s lips curled into a devious smile. “Certainly.” 

Sirius’s grip tightened around you, and though he was usually not one to avoid a fight — sometimes to a fault — he knew virtually everyone in the room would have no qualms about hurting a muggle-born, and one of the few things more important to him than standing up to his family was protecting you. 

You, similarly, knew his family would not hesitate to hurt him for protecting you, and you were eager to get yourself and especially him out of danger. “Siri, let’s go. Let’s just go.” 

He looked over at you, and for the brief moment your eyes met, a glimpse of warmth softened the stern look on his face, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come as he looked back toward his mother and cousin. 

Without a word to them, he started making his way toward the door, you beside him. You hoped they would just let you go, but Walburga and Bellatrix followed. You weren’t sure why given they could be sure you left without literally walking you to the door, but as soon as the four of you were in the empty foyer, out of sight of her beloved guests, Walburga spoke again. She clearly had not wanted to draw any more attention to you, but now, out of the others’ earshot, she said, “You will stay here, young man, where you will show me you know how to behave unless you wish to worsen the consequences of your little stunt.”

Sirius looked her dead in the eyes and, not showing the fear you knew he must be feeling, he grabbed your hand and walked toward the door. 

“Don’t you dare,” came from behind you. 

As he reached for the door, a strange light disoriented you, and it wasn’t until Sirius groaned in pain and doubled over that you realized it was a spell that had been cast at him from behind. You spun around and tried to shield him with one arm as the other was already making its way to grab your wand. “You will learn respect,” Walburga uttered, and she raised her wand again. “Protego!” you cast. 

“Step aside, stupid girl!”

She cast a spell at your shield charm, eliminating it. You were so focused on her that you didn’t see Bellatrix raising her wand at you until it was too late to protect yourself.

“Crucio!” she cast, and everything went blurry except one thing: pain. You fell to the floor, each second feeling like years as you felt pain you would never have been able to imagine. You could hear Bellatrix laughing, but when her laughter suddenly stopped, so did the excruciating pain. 

You looked up to see Sirius, wand pointing toward Bellatrix, having stopped her. There was a look of terror in his eyes as he leaned down to wrap his arms around you, pulling you up with him and half-carrying you out the door in a rush. 

Your whole body ached like you’d just been trampled by a stampede, and your legs felt like they would give under your weight any moment. You leaned desperately into Sirius but made it only a few steps before having to lean onto the wall next you. 

He helped you and kept you in his arms as he frantically said, “y/n? y/n? Are you alright? Fuck. Darling, are you alright? Talk to me, love. Fuck, fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot.” “I’m okay,” you tried to say, your voice a hoarse whisper. “I’m okay, Siri,” you tried again, desperate to comfort his panic despite your pain.

“I’m so sorry, y/n. I can’t believe I brought you there. I wasn’t thinking. I should’ve known. I should’ve kept you as far from that hell as possible, kept you safe. I’m supposed to protect you, and I’m so selfish, I put you in danger instead. It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry.” He was frantic. 

You lifted your arms, which felt like they were being weighed down with lead, and held his face in your hands, looking straight into his eyes. 

“It’s not your fault, Sirius; it’s not. I’m okay. I’m alright.” He leaned his forehead against yours and closed his eyes as he held you tight. You put your face in the crook of his neck, embracing him. You lingered like this for a long moment, holding each other, both of your breathing finally calming down. 

He pulled back only far enough to see your face as he asked, “Can you walk, love?” His expression and voice were all concern, all care and adoration. You nodded weakly and pushed yourself off the wall, needing to lean into him. He held you close as he helped you walk away from Grimmauld Place. 

You walked a short distance in the cold night, the streets deserted as everyone was at a New Year’s Eve party this late. Stopping in a small park, grateful for the relief, you sat on a bench. 

“Here,” Sirius whispered as he removed his warm formal robes and wrapped them around you. He stroked your back with one hand, held yours with the other. “How are you? I don’t know how to help. Do you need to go to a healer?” You shook your head then leaned it on him, his arm wrapping around your shoulders. “No, I’m okay. It hurts, but I think I just need to rest.” “I’m so sorry, y/n.” “It wasn’t your fault,” you repeated, and would keep repeating until he believed you. You looked up into his eyes, trying to tell him without words, hoping he would see all the love you had for him there. His hand came up to stroke your cheek. “You can’t go back there,” you told him. He nodded, his face serious but his eyes gentle. “I wish I could protect you,” you added. 

“I should’ve protected you. I’ll do a better job of it from now on.” A beat. “I love you,” you whispered.

His thumb stopped on your cheek mid-caress; his eyebrows went up as if he was surprised, his mouth opening but no words coming out. It took him a moment but his lips finally formed a smile, and he said, “I love you too.” You smiled too, forgetting the pain for the first time even if just for a moment at hearing those words from him. 

You leaned into each other, and his lips on yours was the greatest remedy to your aching body you could’ve possibly wanted. The kiss was firm but soft, Sirius clearly being gentle with you. He pulled back the smallest bit and looked into your eyes. Sirius was usually smiling, your brightest star, but the smile on his face now was one you’d never seen before, complete joy. He leaned back in and kissed you again, a bit stronger this time, and your hand came up to cup his face as you returned the passion. 

Just then, you started hearing voices yelling something — an open window in a nearby flat. 

“10! 9! 8!” they started.  

“We kissed a bit early, I think,” Sirius chuckled. 

“We’d waited long enough,” you replied. You and Sirius laughed through the rest of the countdown, and at “Happy New Year!” he kissed you again ardently.

[luimagines]

*Runs in like I have a lynel on my heels, hands you a basket filled with warm drinks and sweet snacks with a note, promptly passes out without elaborating* Greetings, first of all, how have you been doing? Also, Happy Late Tears of The Kingdom release date. Second of all, finally an excuse to ramble about your works as much as the Tumblr word account limit will allow me in an extensive way like a greek orator holding assembly like Plato talking about Atlantis. Or well at least some, cause if I were to ramble about everything you've posted so far we'd be here all day (SPECIALLY if I were to gush about Time and Twilight), so I'll limit myself to an arguable top six for today.

Ahem. *Clears throat* Anyway if I have to pick any works that are my favorite of yours, my very first pick would likely be the Fear Room.

Wind and his intense trauma about losing Aryll? His desperation as an elder brother who was supposed to protect her and thought he failed again? Wild and all of the ghosts of his kingdom that haunts his steps because he died way back when because he failed and the feeling of survivor's guilt being in full display? That if he could he'd trade his life for theirs so he wouldn't need to live with the most intense feeling of failure out of all the Links and to look at Hyrule and Zelda and everything like the pages of an old faded book? To say goodbyes to people he doesn't know anymore? Sky and his feelings over never being enough? Of always being just a second too late while the people he cares for are in danger and out of his reach, further made worse by the fact Demise's Curse took hold because of his actions/inaction in Skyward Sword and that feeling further exacerbated by Impa through the game? Hyrule not wanting all that he went through to be for naught and not wanting to be all alone again, specially given that without Zelda he wouldn't be able to keep Ganon at bay alone? Twilight's pure anguish and desperation of seeing bad things happen to his loved ones and losing them again and again and being unable to do anything about it? Time being so afraid of losing control over the Fierce Deity and being so, so, so tired. Tired of being strong, tired of being thrust into adventure after adventure and having his agency denied again and again on wether or not he wants to continue on or not? That he has been strong for so long that he not only just cracks, but BREAKS. Warriors pulling his punches because even if it looks like his shield brothers betrayed him and he's tired of traitors he doesn't want to believe it and doesn't want to hurt them? Four failing to save Dot, his childhood friend and in turn likely losing not only Ezlo but the colors and Shadow, literally pieces of himself after he jigsaw puzzled them back together and likely can't see himself living without them? LEGEND WITH THE KOHOLINT TRAUMA? Not to mention all of the other people he lost over the years, his parents, his uncle, technically Sir Raven of we go by the manga who was basically like a brother to him (also know as an incredibly gorgeous man I am itching to write for after the Fairy Tale series is done), Marin, technically Ravio and Hilda if Ravio doesn't go to live in his house after LBTW's, and finally Reader's reaction and lingering trepidation after it's all said and done, it's really well written horror and the horror enthusiast in me delights in it even if it's pure pain and my dog will never not be startled when I giddily cackle over it, 1000/10, would absolutely read again. Plus it inspired stuff for certain parts of the Fairy Tale au.

Tending Temptations, First and Reader are "Just Friends", calling them by their name and Prince Twilight- *takes a deep breath* What it I just die? Those are also a one shot and drabble that will need their own post, but let's just say that the frequency I reach when I read any of them and makes me way too soft and should probably only be heard by small mice, because I adore the way you portray Time and Twilight and First specially given there's maybe only one other author who writes them as well (shout out to Dreaming of Lu and their impeccable Time and First takes) and I love the way you write Twilight with all my heart, I don't think there's anyone who's come as close to delighting me when writing him so really, thank you so much for all your work in the fandom!

And finally, if predictably, the Fairy Tale and Dragon au, Dragon au will have to be it's own thing but I feel like the Fairy Tale au is probably a bit self explanatory since I'm writing a series based on it xD, but also I really like seeing the Links throw into a sudden situation and how they'll adapt and react to it and a great way to do that is to throw them into Fairy Tales we know or even in myths (*cough cough* Just saying, Twilight would kill it as Tam Lin and Time would make an amazing Odysseus) and you have some really unique ideas, so definitely a must read and what inspired me into trying to expand on it in greater detail (when life isn't kicking me in the ribs that is).

Overall, you're a great writer, and reading your stuff after bad days is an almost sure fire way to brighten my day and to make anyone's day, so thank you for all your work in the fandom! Hope you're doing well!

-Just an Anon on a Stroll 🐚/WintertimeStoryteller.

Dreaming of Lu is truly a master of their craft.

I'm glad you enjoyed the Fear Room so much! I don't write horror! Hardly ever! XD I thought I would have botched it.

And I'm sure you'll be happy to know that an expansion of Legend's segment for Fairytale au is queued up for later this year and that Dragon au is also getting a full sized fic expansion beginning in August. (Warrior centric, but I digress. XD)

I'm glad you enjoy the way I write Twilight though! He's one of my favorite so I'm happy to do him justice. :D

[sweetmage]

Rambling about my made up Niall lore because I'm obsessed with him now and just wanna ramble!!

Putting it under the cut because it's super long 😅

I decided that Valentin (my m!Surana who had an unspoken romantic relationship going with him) and Niall simply cannot be alive in the same timeline…

Anyway, after Val dies during Uldred's whole situation (never even got to see Niall become an enchanter🥲 ) Niall takes the Isolationist thing very very seriously. No longer because he has a "foolish" dream that he might whisk Val away somewhere better but because it is no longer a suggestion but a demand.

He does not trust those that don't have magic, not even just templars. They are all one in the same. They judge, they isolate, and they kill. There will be no peace and safety for mages until they have built a fortified a place for just them. There is no understanding or bridging their differences at this point.

He was already a pessimistic and dour guy since the beginning of the mage origin and I HC that, despite being friendly, he wasn't the most approachable guy for that reason. I think he meshed well with Val's personality and unwillingness to lay down roots though and they just kinda clicked. To lose someone, especially someone who has fought so hard for freedom and to make a place for himself… I honestly think it just kinda broke him. I'm thinking Niall doesn't die during the circle tower quest, but he doesn't succeed either.

So he is just kinda like "I cannot help anyone, I can't save anyone, I can't escape this place, I can't do anything". I have absolutely no idea who the warden is in this case but maybe some words from them would help.

I am thinking that's the turning point where he sees exactly what it is that caused this to happen (in his opinion). Yes, Uldred was doing something fucked up, but it came because he (and magic) were repeatedly undermined and dismissed.

Yes, they were wrong (him wanting to ally with Loghain and all) but they were born of desperation.

And beyond that the actions of one man caused the templars, whose job it is to protect the circle and cut down abominations, left them all to die.

They would never know the horror that went on in there while they all ran and secluded themselves. Mages having to hide and turn to extremes to fend for themselves against demons (to which they are most susceptible) and other mages (to which they lack the power to stop, unlike templars who are trained to do that).

I don't consider him to be a very angry or impassioned person really, I can't really see it, at least not at this point.

But he survived when he had no right, reason, or desire to. He could at least do his part to try to do something in the aftermath of failure after failure on his part.

Of course like… sadly in the end this ultimately affects nothing (at least as far as he is concerned)😔Yet again he has failed to make a difference. BUT! I am thinking post-DA2 he's still kicking about and takes on some sort of a guide role for other apostates trying to survive during the war.

I need him to look back and feel like he has done absolutely nothing but fail the circle and everyone in it only to turn around and find that there are people who are looking to him for guidance. He survived impossible odds several times over, he has used his position as an enchanter to help and speak up for mages when he can, etc.

People saw that and people who are frightened and don't know what to do might see that still.

I have been working on fleshing out the group of isolationist mages he leads around and is basically the leader of (he is kinda like a pathetic but trustworthy mayor in my head, idk lol).

I am trying to give them a variety of backgrounds, lifestyles, and opinions (even opinions I don't agree with. Gotta have variety and conflicts and the like) and it's been fun so far!

[may-nr1rooftoptriodefender]

Since the The Last of Us HBO show is over for some time now,

I wanted to give a quick rundown of things I liked and didn’t liked. As well, talking about references to the games (so spoiler for tlou 1 & 2) and also what I’d like to see in the next seasons…

first the things I enjoyed:

First Episode

The first episode was a masterpiece. I watched it three times, I cried three times and it set my hopes for the show really high. I think it’s my favorite episode of the series.

it was a lot more personal because you spend the whole day with Sarah, when everything was normal just to watch it burn

Broke me all over again

The original dialogues from the game and the scenery made it so perfect

Special mentions for the car ride since it was shot to shot the exact same

Sooo many little details (Sarah’s Band T-Shirt, Joel’s guitar in the background,..)

The beginning was a bit boring I must admit, but overall it was perfect

The explaining about the real life fungi in the very beginning was also important and very good made

Bella and Pedro matched the first of cold impression towards each other perfect

Joel & Ellie

They had everything. The most important scenes for character building, the dialogue. I really liked how they acted that out.

The Car scene, the first meeting, the talk about Sarah, the scene at David’s, the giraffe scene and the end sequence- everything was included. and even more

It was so important for me to see how these two will interact with each other and it was just like I wanted it

Their relationship makes TLoU so special

Henry & Sam

I really enjoyed Henry & Sam in the game so I also had high hopes for them. The serie didn’t do it as I expected but it was still good.

Henry cares so much for Sam and HBO showed that even more

They made huge changes for Sam like his age and the fact that he’s deaf -> yes, it makes the show more dramatic and their trust with each other is even more important so that was a good thing

But, I wanted to see two teenagers that have an understanding and are trying to survive together. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the relationship between Ellie and Sam in the show and it made it even more emotional for me it was just very unexpected and a bit more complicated because of the age difference

I cried when they died because,

The fact that he told Ellie because he’s just a little child (here the age difference again makes it more emotional since he’s just 8 :( ) and she even tried to help him and

Because it made Henry even more helpless because a teenager kind of knows what he’s doing but a deaf little child can only rely on him and he failed

It was also bad because Ellie wrote ‘Im sorry’ on his board cause she knew and also failed to protect him

speaking of, even though it was dumb to not tell Joel and Henry, it was such an Ellie like thing to do. She saw how Riley died because of the infection, and Tess… She wants to be the cure and she hoped so desperately that she could help Sam with her blood because she doesn’t want another one to die

really shattered my heart but they did a good job on that

Jackson

Jackson was truly something. So much foreshadowing for TLoU part II… I’m a big jackson fan anyway and to see the town like this really brought me joy.

not only the reunion with Tommy that was so beautiful, but also to see how the residents could live peacefully

THE EASTER EGGS BABYYY

-> I think everyone saw atleast one “I’ve got my eye on you” edit about Ellie and this girl watching her, right? So it isn’t really confirmed but everyone assumes it’s Dina! Ellie’s girlfriend in Part II.

-> Shimmer. You know, the horse. It was only a baby there, but we know that in the second part, Ellie and Dina have a horse named Shimmer on their way to Seattle

-> The tipsy bison. Joel and Tommy were talking in there. It’s a bar in part II and I think Sev (yk, the dude who makes ‘bigot sandwiches’) owns it

I really love all those little details

David & his people

We all know David, yk the pedo? Even though I don’t like him, I really like his part of the game. HBO made his character even more disgusting and better.

Even though the chase wasn’t as frequent as in the game, and I really missed the teamwork with David where Ellie has no idea what’s coming… It was still one of the best episodes

Idk if it sounds weird, but I like how they made David even more evil and all. It shows what a true monster he is and all

What really freaks me out though, is that he used to be a teacher to students in Ellies age. And also, STOP WITH THE IM YOUR DADDY SHIT

But one thing about his people, yeah? This woman with short hair which name wasn’t revealed? Don’t tell me that isn’t Mel form TLoU part II <- Owens pregnant girlfriend. She looked so much like her. It doesn’t even make that much sense considering she was a firefly in the original but HBO did already a few changes so why not more?

Ashley & Troy

I’m so happy that the original Ellie and Joel could make an appearance in the show. It’s just the right way to honor them.

Ashley Johnson (Ellie in the games) was featured as Ellie’s mother, which is honestly just fitting, because she likes gives the role away to her child yk?

Troy Baker (Joel in the games) as James from David’s people. He looked very fitting for it and also did a good job

It’s nice to have the original featured, even if they can’t play their actual roles

I think it’s a nice way to honor them

Now to things I didn’t like:

Tess’ Death

I just think it’s not the right way for her to go. Even though the fungus made a connection throughout the kiss, it’s not really respectful for her character I think.

Tess was a really strong character who never showed fear and would do a lot of things for her survival. I loved her until the very end. I had the feeling we didn’t see that much of it in the show

Even though the understanding between Tess and Joel was more clearly

How they portrayed Tess in her last minutes was very weak and painful to watch. In the game, she stood until the very end while in the show, she’s shaking and not functioning properly and overall a lot weaker than the original.

I think it was disrespectful to let her go like this, I mean especially the kiss. She’s fighting against the virus all the time only to give up?

Idk if I’m the only one who thinks it should’ve been like the show but let me know what you think of this. I can’t really explain why I don’t like this…

Bill

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not mad because they gave Bill a happy ending with Frank but because I wanted to see more action from Bill.

Bills Town was one of my favorite parts of the game. Not only the location, also Bill himself and the shotgun he gave us. I was really excited for this in the show and was really disappointed when I didn’t get to see that. I also missed the bickering between Ellie and Bill and I missed how Bill was killing infected with his machete

We already kind of knew about Bill and Frank because of the ‘nice’ letter Frank left Bill but it was really something to see their story. Although, I would’ve liked if it was like in the game. Yes, Bill does deserves a happy ending but it triggered me that he died before Ellie could meet him.

The world of TLoU is a cruel one and such things like love aren’t very common for it. So I actually would’ve preferred if Frank really would’ve died because it just sets a better example for the setting. It also just fits better for Bills character. It’s not very like him to just be all lovely with another person because we all know he’s an asshole. (we still love him)

Episode 3 was just an filler and it really disappointed me because if you wanna add backstory to it, do it. But I also wanna see some action and especially Bill action.

Sadly, it was really disappointing to see

(and with this, I’m not saying I want certain characters to kill themselves or that they don’t deserve an happy ending with each other, I just preferred the original < and that’s not because of Bill and Franks relationship… Frank could’ve tagged along but the death triggered me)

Catherine (was this her name?)

I hate this woman. I hate her so much she didn’t deserve to be there. She was so unnecessary and did also foreshadowing for a certain character in part II. Why would you make her the leader??

First thing, it’s just a little game reference so it isn’t that bad but still a :| moment. Pittsburgh was a men only town. And then she gets to be leader. If you want a female leader, choose anyone BUT her. Worst leader fr

Her backstory. They tried that we sympathize with her because her brother died. Yes, a lost family member is really serious. But, they tried to explain her actions with it so we understand why she wants Henry and Sam. Does this remind you of something? Exactly, Abby.

If you like her, that’s to you I can understand. But the exact same reasoning why she killed Joel? They tried to say with Abby and Catherine that: “Oh, I lost someone very important to me and I’m gonna get revenge on the one who killed my important person. And oh, I’m crying so please try to reason with me why I’m doing horrible things that could harm others. “

(I’m honest, I don’t like Abby but this is more towards Catherine because even though it’s pretty much the same, Abby wasn’t as annoying as Catherine)

They have to learn that we won’t start liking a character just because you put them in the good light. Catherine was harming her and as well others just because of revenge. And even though it’s double moral because Abby and Ellie did this, they still trying to make it seem okay 😐

And when the infected came, she still tried to kill them instead of working together. Woman’s trying to win our hearts by showing her childhood room

She was just annoying >:(

So that’s all I have to say. Do you agree or disagree? Very hopeful for the next season 🤞

[ceejaykayess]

Endgame spoilers for AI The Somnium Files abound, play the best part of Uchikoshi's wild ride (said by someone who hasn't seen anything before his Zero Escape stuff).

Can't believe this started with me just wanting to draw my own take on a non-mask wearing Date in Nirvana Initiative and then evolved (devolved, even) into wanting to draw character-centric pieces on the various Dates that then further changed into wanting to work on actually adding background to works which just turned into "make most of it black, but draw attention to symbolism."

Kinda funny I got less content with each subsequent image, with the first being the one I'm most confident in. The faces just got more and more scuffed as I had to draw them from different angles to any references I have. Something to practice on, I suppose.

The first piece could be called "SINKIN' IN THE CAPTaiN'S BRaiN," since it's meant to combine the background of the two of Date' Somnium and their shared motif of being places where to interact with things, light needs to be on them. Which I have thoughts about, thoughts about natural Dadte, but now's not the time.

The second piece, similarly, could be called "VaiNLY PSYNCIN' IN THE CHaiN," or "CHaiNED, PSYNCIN' IN THE VaiN." Depends on whether you want to think of it as Saito pridefully entering Date's mind full force, or Date being forced to drown within Saito. I am horribly curious what PSYNCIN' IN THE CHaiN looked like from Saito's PoV, though. I wonder if it shared the usual motif, or if the topic of discussion being very forcefully turned to something generally unhappy would shift the Somnium's paradigm.

The third piece does not have an elaborate title, since it focuses the least on giving a proper background. It was made to be similar to the final Mental Lock in PSYNCIN' IN THE CAPTaiN, but also reminiscent of the game's cover art. I suppose you could call it... "PSYNCIN' IN THE MIRai"? But, that doesn't suit as much. Actually, to follow the idea of it being my weak spin on NI Date, we could call it "New Invitation." Or something.

Now, the important part. The Date. There isn't really much I could do on him that hasn't been done before, but that's fine. We all build together and all that. I first wanted it to be, a Date that wore his usual clothes but in a way Falco would have worn them. That is, open jacket, and replacing his sweater with a button-up purple and black-striped shirt. Showing off his chest, the whore.

Problem is, Date's usual jacket has huge fucking crossover. Any IRL equivalent I could think of usually had a vest-cut for the neck, instead of some fucking Nomura-type neck protector. So, I had to content myself with not showing off as much of the Datitties as I would have hoped. Instead, his jacket looks all poofs at the side, which is a poorly made attempt at showing that there's an invisible wind blowing everything to the right side of the image, as weakly shown in left-Date's hair being blown back and Falco's jacket being blown forward. Very, very weakly, when I consider how not as much detail as I would hope is conveyed in the pictures I took... how do I rectify that? Take closer pictures?

Whatever, next. Date has his hair in a ponytail, which you can vaguely see over his left shoulder. It's so grey compared to the rest of his hair, because I thought, "Ah, what if in the six year gap Date grew his hair out in his ignorance, and got some of it dyed by, I dunno, a friend he met, and made it the same shade as the mask he kept as a memento from whatever life he led before he woke up memory-less." Some of his lower hair near his neck is dyed, too.

Date's right hand is gloved and his left hand is ungloved because I thought it looked cool, shut up. Also, he has his right hand over his face because I decided that's what he does when he Wink Psyncs. Mizuki gives a peace sign, Ryuki shows off his respect to the aliens, Date listens to his inner-Saito (the part that is a dramatic bitch, not the serial killer part) and poses like an anime villain losing it.

[genshin-obsessed]

You Get Injured!

Yo! I’m back and this time with a little bit of angst. One thing about me: I ADORE ANGST!!! LEMME BREAK SOMEONE’S HEART!!! I love, love, love writing angst so much! Anyway, enjoy!

Summary:  You get injured on the job, what’s his reaction?

Includes: Aether, Kaeya, Diluc, Venti, Razor, Xiao, Xingqiu, Zhongli, and Childe! (YES I ADDED AETHER >:0)

Come one, come all! See what happens when you come home injured!

Warnings: Mentions of blood, no details though.

You were supposed to be with Aether, but he had his own commissions, but he swore he’d come help you right after. You weren’t patient and ended up getting into a fight with too many hilichurls and it didn’t end well.

He immediately remembered the time he lost Lumine, but for some reason, he was even more scared than that incident. He felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him and he’d completely frozen up. When he saw your bloodied form fall to the floor, it brought him back to reality.

He ran to you and pulled you into his arms, desperately searching for life. He needed to see that you were ok. In fact, he’d taken your hand and squeezed your wrist to feel your pulse. It was weak, but it was there. He pressed his lips to yours, ignoring the taste of iron that followed.

As the doctor was stitching up the larger gashes, he was cleaning up the blood around your face and whispering words of encouragement to you. He gave you water and held your hand throughout the entire process.

PERSONAL NURSE AETHER REPORTING FOR DUTY! Beck and call, whenever you need him, he’s there for you. He put his adventuring on hold until you were 100% better.

Did you need an adventuring partner? Cuz Aether needs one! And you’re the perfect candidate. He’s going on adventures will you- well ok, he’s going EVERYWHERE with you but for a while. Once his nerves and anxiety dies down, he backs off quite a bit.

You had been fighting hilichurs for a commission and the last thing you had expected was multiple Mitachurls to be around. Well, there were more than you could handle and they floored you.

His heart almost stopped when he saw your bloodied form walking towards him, reaching out ever so weakly. He sprinted towards you, hating that he wasn’t there for you. Why was he so slow?! Why were so you far away, dammit?

He takes you into his arms and holds you close before quickly rushing you to the doctor. He knew he might’ve been a bit rough, but he could barely think. All that was going through his mind was him wishing that it was all just a nightmare.

He’s there 24/7, whenever you need him. He’s got meals, blankets, cuddles, kisses, whatever you need. He helps you with EVERYTHING. He knew it was hard to shower with all those wounds and he didn’t want your stitches to open up, so he was a bit strict.

After your full recovery, he’s a little bit hesitant to let you go on your own. He might just join you on a mission or two. Don’t mind him, but once his worries are eased a little, he backs off. Besides, the cavalry captain can’t exactly run around with you, even though he so desperately wants to.

You were on your way to Mondstat from Liyue where you ended up on a beach with more ruin guards than you could handle (may the lord protect you if you wander there on accident).

Full fledged panic. It almost feels like someone was actively tearing his heart out. He couldn’t even breathe in that moment. He desperately wished he could heal you (I don’t think he can…), make you all better so you wouldn’t have to hurt so much. Were… were you crying?

He ran to you but the second he reached out to touch you, he pulled back a little. He was almost scared to touch you, like something as gentle as his touch might shatter what remained. He didn’t want to hurt you anymore, but it was clear you couldn’t walk so he had to carry you.

He does hold you close when you get help, whispering words of encouragement and love to you; anything to help. He immediately helped clean the blood off of you, trying to be as gentle as possible.

Through your healing process, he’s beside you constantly. He helps you with everything. Anything you need, he’s there. Thirsty? He’s got some water. Hungry? He’s got a plate of food. Need cuddles? Scoot over.

He’s actually terrified to let you go, but he knows you. This is your job and he’d seen you in action. So, he does let you go… as long as he can stick to you like glue (Cries in no Venti).

You had been hunting some abyss mages down and everything was going great… until it wasn’t. A rookie mistake almost caused your death. You’d never been so scared and the only thing you could think of was Diluc in that moment. You wanted to be in his arms.

He thought he’d been caught in a nightmare. He genuinely believed it wasn’t you. But when you called out to him, he was yanked back to reality. Everything felt so weird, it felt like a weird out of body experience for him. He was so scared he was shaking as he reached out to touch your bloodied face.

The first thing he does is check you to see how bad your injuries are before he brings you home to his personal doctor. Your blood burned him, it stung as tears welled up in his eyes. How could he let this happen to you? How could he fail you like this?

As the doctor patches you up, he sits beside you, holding your hand and giving you kisses every now and then, telling you you’re doing great and that you’ll be ok. He was still shaking, but he didn’t want you to worry, so he did his best to hide it. 

He’s extremely busy, so he can’t be beside you 24/7, but he tries to be with you every single night. In fact, he lets the knights handle everything while you heal, not wanting to leave you alone for too long

You best believe he’s hunting down every single abyss mage in existence. One hurt you? They all suffer. You try to keep him in check by keeping him at your side.

You had decided to challenge Electro Hypostases on your own... You should’ve been more careful. You didn’t realize how powerful it was and you got extremely lucky. 

Oh he can smell your blood from a distance. So he didn’t even need to see you to know you were injured. He was terrified. His heart was beating so fast and he couldn’t catch his breath. He felt himself going insane when he couldn’t find you.

Well wolves lick their wounds, but he couldn’t lick yours. One, it wouldn’t work, your wounds were too deep, two, he was a human, not a wolf. He knew your friends could help you so he rushed you back to Mondstat (I’m sure this is probably wrong, feel free to roast me).

Although he knew the doctors were just trying to help, he couldn’t stop himself from being aggressive. He even growled at a doctor when you whimpered as you received the stitches. Kaeya and Jean had to hold him back.

No one is allowed near you until you’re fully healed, Razor doesn’t let anyone get close. It’s not just him being super possessive, he was deeply terrified that in case someone attacked you while he wasn’t there…

Your new adventure partner is Razor. Even if he has to live in Mondstat with the other humans, he’ll do it. As long as you’re with him. Don’t bother trying to argue, it won’t work.

You had a teeny weeny competition with Xiangling that you two could find the best ingredients first. You got careless, wandered into a hilichurl camp, only to get floored by 4 mitachurls.

Who hurt you?! Who hurt you and where are they? Xiao just wants to talk. 

Thankfully, the boss of the inn was able to find some help for you and helped patch you up, while Xiao waited patiently. On the outside he looked calm, on the inside- well it was chaos. Nothing could calm his anger and anxiety.

He reassured you that you did a great job, letting you know that he was proud of you. Not to mention, he kept thanking you for coming back alive so that he could save you. He didn’t even want to think about what could’ve happened if you weren’t able to come back… 

He kept you close. As you healed, he was almost like a personal nurse. He brought you whatever you wanted and lots of almond tofu. If you don’t like it… well more for him.

He was very reluctant to let you go. He couldn’t go with you and it was his biggest regret. But he knew holding you back would do nothing, therefore he poured all his faith and trust in you. So please... come back to him.

You had gone to visit Chang the Ninth and on the way back had seen a village get attacked by some abyss mages. You jumped into action without thinking… at all.

Xingqiu actually hadn’t looked up from his book because he was so invested. You called after him, collapsing nearby but he wasn’t even paying attention. Finally, he heard you scream and jumped, his heart leaping out of his chest. He still won’t forgive himself… or pick up a book.

He immediately takes you back home, carefully carrying you so that he wouldn’t agitate your injuries anymore than they already were.

He stayed by your side and even helped patch you up, wanting to do as much as he could to help. He even kissed your injuries to help them heal faster.

He stays by your side as much as possible. You suggest he read you some books, but it seems like he’s too scared to touch any. Something that might need time to recover from.

Xingqiu’s still too busy to join you, but whenever he can, he definitely does. He is a little too protective in the beginning but as time goes on, he finds himself being able to hold back.

You just needed some chaos devices, just a few. YOU DIDN’T EXPECT TO GET YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU SO BADLY!

He couldn’t believe it. His heart had almost stopped when he saw you walking towards him. You were covered in blood and you weakly reached out before you fell. He dashed forward and caught you before you hit the ground.

He takes you to his place, getting a doctor to immediately patch you up. As they were cleaning your wounds, he tried to stay calm, yet had this overwhelming urge to destroy whatever hurt you into a million pieces.

He stayed with you, nursing you back to health. Of course, constantly forgetting mora was a thing when buying you literally anything. This will never change.

He wasn’t able to understand why he couldn’t physically let you go in the beginning. Slowly, it made sense that he was scared. Scared he might lose you and that you might never come back. Scared you might disappear like you almost did. But you were… well you. So he had to trust you. Come back home to him safely.

You had just finished up your commissions and were head home when you stumbled upon an Oceanid. You needed a cleansing heart… or four. You weren’t prepared and you were a little tired, but you went anyway. You were lucky you came back alive.

Childe had set up a cute little date for you two, but you were running a little bit late. He was starting to get worried and when he asked Katheryne, he was surprised to learn that you hadn’t returned home from your commissions. Then he saw you. Leaving a trail of blood and limping towards him. He felt as if someone had done all that to him instead.

He immediately runs to you, with Katheryne following. The two of them quickly get you some medical attention, but Childe refuses to let go the entire time. No matter what anyone says, they can’t take you away, so he goes with you everywhere.

You explain what had happened afterwards and he was angry that you’d put yourself in danger for a stupid item. But at the same time, he was proud of you for beating the Oceanid and coming back to him, regardless of what shape you were in. You still got an earful though.

He wanted to be around you 24/7, but he’s really busy. He tries to get away from work as much as he can to spend time with you. Throughout your healing process, he does a lot to help. Simple things like making you meals, the ones that melt your heart. 

He was reluctant, constantly checking up on you and even wanting to go on adventures with you. But he couldn’t spend every minute with you, so he needed to learn how to ease his own anxieties. Of course, you would never say no to going on a few adventures with him.

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Okayyyy now that I've slept on that episode I am ready to do some good old traumamongering so let's look at how Loki's responses to his environment and those around him are informed by his trauma--and how Mobius/the TVA are using his trauma to manipulate him.

One of the ways Loki deals with unpleasant or stressful situations is to verbally maneuver or posture, to try to assert control (if he feels he can reasonably do so). We see him do this with Tony in Avengers, who during their confrontation--at least for the moment--poses no active threat; instead of attacking him, Loki talks. In Thor, Loki tries several times to defuse situations with his words, which generally goes poorly for him. But when it comes to handling stress, it's essentially all he knows how to do--Mobius is absolutely right to point out that Loki "loves to talk," but usually his silver tongue is borne out of necessity.

In this case, starting from the moment of his escape, we see a lot of talking from Loki that is not strictly necessary. When he lands in Mongolia, the very first thing he does is make a speech to the bystanders--literally and figuratively trying to get his bearings. He's not aggressive at all (which would confuse the Avengers were they to see him, but wow, it's almost like Thanos/the Mind Stone was influencing him!) and seems quite at a loss as to what to do when the people he's addressing don't understand him. When the TVA agents try to arrest him, he tries to ask them what's going on, and gives plenty of warning (and posturing!) before attempting to physically assert himself. In the TVA itself, this continues. Loki complains, tries to intimidate, questions, and even talks to machines with no other real witnesses (twice). He's pulling out all the stops, so to speak, to try to verbally establish control of his situation. He's trying to get his bearings, to assert his autonomy and individuality--but no one is listening to him.

When that doesn't work, and only when a lot of that doesn't work, does Loki attempt physical control of his environment. He first tries his magic (something familiar to him) and is shocked when that also doesn't work. The TVA is already a foreign environment, but because none of Loki's usual and comfortable methods of surviving are working, it becomes more foreign, and more stressful. That's why he escalates to actively resisting the guards (but note he doesn't try too hard once someone (Mobius) starts talking). Physical resistance has never been Loki's forte, so he plays to his strengths while he can, but when that fails and he gets more desperate, he has to get creative.

But when Loki is stressed enough that he starts to physically fight back, the illusion of confidence starts to break down. We see this continue really clearly in the interrogation room scene. The subject matter actively makes Loki uncomfortable. His attempts to deflect or lie aren't effective, and his words once again fail to control his situation or even shield him from what he'd like to avoid. Unable to escape the direct questions, Loki again becomes physically restless and uncomfortable, standing and pacing while growing more obviously agitated. The questions Mobius is asking are ones Loki does not want to think about, and that's because they ultimately hit on his most vulnerable points.

The question of "What would you do if you could go back?" while seeming rather innocuous, is really a well-disguised gateway to all of Loki's trauma and insecurity. Why does he feel he should rule Midgard? Well, Loki attempts to respond, that's what he deserves, it's what he was born for--but it wasn't, really, and he knows it. Firstly, when it comes to his royal birthright, Loki has always fallen back on that as a grounding mechanism. It's what he asserts to claim his identity and feel powerful and in control. He does this with being a god, too, and we see him do this several times just within the TVA. But ultimately, it's just words--the real power is with those who can make what they want to happen actually happen, and in Loki's life, that has never been him. (Even talking about his birthright, and the concept of ruling, brings up the traumatic events of Thor 1; and the fact that he was looking to rule Midgard, not Asgard, means that he would still be playing second-fiddle to Thor. Midgard wasn't his birthright--Asgardians never ruled directly on Earth. It was just the best he could get.) And secondly, Loki's attack of Earth was directly caused and influenced by Thanos. That is the main source of trauma that Loki is desperately trying to avoid, and the questions he's being asked don't allow him to do so. He can't weasel out of it; Mobius is too persistent, and he knows all the worst buttons to push. In fact, he's systematically targeting Loki's weaknesses.

Look at the questions and statements he uses: "For someone born to rule, you sure lose an awful lot." Your birthright is false and you know it. "You weren't born to be a king. You were born to help others become the best versions of themselves." He juxtaposes this with footage of the Avengers, Thor among them: your identity only matters so far as you can enable others, especially your brother. Loki starts avoiding looking at the footage, becoming less brazen with his attitude and responses, so Mobius asks, "What is it that you're running from?" It's at about this point that Loki stands up, trying to physically distance himself from both Mobius and the question. This interaction reveals much about what Mobius is intending by this conversation. He's not trying to learn about Loki, necessarily. He already knows Loki is running from something, and seems to know what it is, which wouldn't be immediately clear to someone uninformed. What he's really trying to do is make Loki vulnerable, and make him admit it.

Mobius uses Loki's role in his mother's death to push him over the edge. Immediately, Loki turns on Mobius, furiously insisting that the whole thing is an illusion--more desperate verbal posturing, and Mobius treats it as such--and then Loki snaps, first throwing a chair at the painful image of his mother, which promptly reforms (it's inescapable), and then trying to attack Mobius. The fact that Loki is lashing out physically means he is desperate, but even his last resort isn't effective. He simply can't protect himself. He's powerless. That's triggering in and of itself.

But it's the footage that's the final blow. After escaping his restraints, he returns to the very room he left, and looks at his life. And he cries. He's so vulnerable and hurting and scared that in his first moment alone, he cries. And just as he thought he'd have a little bit of comfort, even laughing to see his improving relationship with Thor, he watches himself die a humiliating, pitiful, ignoble death, and hears himself say, "You will never be a god"--and that old boast means nothing because Thanos snaps his neck anyway. That moment, seeing the thing he was running from catch up to him and kill him, is his final emotional breaking point. When Loki laughs and bitterly says, "Glorious purpose," that's the end of the posturing. He's admitting Mobius was right: he didn't have a glorious purpose, or a glorious anything. Which is why when Mobius comes back, Loki tells the truth, unprompted. He actually calls himself weak. He admits he's been putting up an illusion in a feeble attempt to get control of his situation.

This level of vulnerability from Loki is unheard of, and speaks to how utterly he's been worn down by the very intentional psychological manipulation of Mobius and the TVA. When Loki entered, he was actively opposing them. Now, after having been massively triggered and emotionally exhausted, he's suggestible, and by playing a friendly angle, Mobius can manipulate Loki into working with them--and, literally, against himself.

Whether he has good intentions or no, that makes Mobius a truly formidable player, and one Loki--and we--shouldn't be too hastily comfortable with. He is clearly a master manipulator, and has no qualms using Loki's trauma to break him.

But what should be most concerning of all is that he succeeds. Because the only other person to have ever done that?

Is Thanos.

[bye-bye-sunbird]

Hi ~ I saw an ask about an unwilling lover and was wondering about the opposite ^^ Can you make yandere Xiao, Zhongli and Childe with a willing lover? Something like: Darling hasn't been kidnapped yet and desperately wants love from anyone, and when they discover they have a stalker, they try their best to love their yandere. This is obviously more of an attempt to fill a hole in their heart than an actual true love, but it doesn't matter, right? Sorry if asks are closed >.>

Acquiescence | Yan!Liyue x Reader

Warnings: Slight N-SFW, dark themes, general yandere themes, emotional horror, tw: depression, tw: isolation, tw: victim-blaming, tw: damaged self-esteem, this is NOT a healthy relationship.

“I had built up false pictures in my mind and sat before them. I had never had the courage to demand the truth.” ― Daphne du Maurier.

Prologue

A feeling of emptiness had always invaded your mind like an unwanted visitor refusing to leave. You longed for something, anything that would give you purpose and importance.

You had entered a vicious cycle of hope and disappointment early in your life that gradually began to wear you down as time passed. The guilt for every inconvenience you caused, great or small, stayed with you, turning into larger shadows that darkened your sense of self.

Without ever meaning to, you became shy and devoted to the smallest drops of happiness you could find. Having spent so many years alone, it became difficult for you to connect with others the way you wanted to, without the restraints of self-consciousness and self-perceived awkward inability to give a good first impression.

Sadly, you were not aware of all of those people who admired your kindness and selflessness. Your mind never allowed you to see the grateful smile of the old lady you always stopped every morning to talk to, erasing her own loneliness with your warmth. Or the admiration in your young neighbor's eyes as you repaired his broken toy yet again, without a single reproach ever leaving your lips.

You were loved, deservedly so, by everyone who crossed your path. Life could have been so different for you if only the right kind of people saw the hurt behind the walls you so quietly protected.

If only...

Childe

To be fair, you never stood a chance against him.

Your gentle, trusting demeanor that was once your greatest virtue is turned into nothing but your own doom in his hands.

He's aware that you don't actually love him, he just doesn't care. To him, it's just a matter of time.

After all, he can give you everything you wanted and more.

He can sense every weakness, every little insecurity of yours, and use it to his advantage.

He tells you about his childhood home, and how he hopes for you to meet his family.

You know that he's manipulating you, and he knows that you know.

If anything makes things more interesting for him.

Because... you stay. And let yourself be trapped in his web.

Whatever he asks for, you give it to him. Be it the increasing amount of time he demands from you, or other, darker requests.

"Oh, Angel. You are always so tense! It's ok, I find it cute, actually."

You close your eyes and hope that pleasure will eventually override your uneasiness. Your body yields to all that your soul finds most abhorrent.

Worst of all, you find a hellish delight in it.

A part of you hopes that one day you'll grow to love him.

After all, he's there to provide every bit of the closeness you crave for.

You know the price... and pay it anyways.

"Pain is pleasure, isn't that right sweetpea?"

Xiao

He's the most conflicted about it. He's the one to at least try to put your feelings into consideration at first, but once he savors what you are so willing to give him, it becomes some sort of addiction.

The way he can make you feel needed is what traps you.

You can sense his suffering, the way he craves for your touch, your smiles, your mere presence.

So you stay with him, you care for him, you let him do what he pleases.

Everything starts innocently enough, he just wants to be near you.

He listens to you, never quite understanding your own struggles.

He tries everything you cook for him, despite only liking his usual almond tofu.

He rests his head on your shoulder, softly closing his eyes, even though he knows that his dreams could only bring him pain.

His lips tremble in your skin, he knows he doesn't deserve this.

He knows you don't love him... Or maybe, just maybe, you actually do? Maybe you are just not acquainted with this feeling yet, but you can be one day, right?

So it's okay if he keeps taking what he wants from you.

You delude yourself thinking that is okay at least, you believe that you need him like he needs you.

But he'll always want more. His eyes are now always strangely clouded.

"Stay still, stay still. Just... once more."

Zhongli

You never truly see any red flags when it comes to this dapper gentleman.

How lucky you are to have such an intelligent, generous, and mature man interested in you.

The fact that you can't truly return his feelings? That's another proof of your constant self-sabotage. But don't worry, he's here to fix you... like one would fix a doll.

He slowly takes control over every aspect of your life. What you wear, what you eat, what you do, what you think.

You look more beautiful than ever, love. Has that old lady said that your eyes don't shine like they used to? Old, lonely people say the darndest of things.

Even so, hearing those things can't be good to you, who is so sensitive to the opinions of others. You should stop seeing her.

His controlling behavior never comes in the form of an order, ever. These are just suggestions to make your life better.

If you were to fail his high expectations, he would never get mad at you dear, he'd just be disappointed™.

After all, your life has gotten better, hasn't it? It's normal to relapse into old habits that do you no good.

His shadow overwhelms you. You grow smaller and quieter each day that passes. You yearn to please him, in any way he wants.

"Don't need to fret my love, there are things you are yet to learn."

[meeko-mar]

The more I think about it, the more I might be signing on to the theory that Izuku KNOWS his trigger is Kacchan, and he just hasn't admitted/confronted it yet...At least, that we have yet seen.

Hold my non-alcoholic beverage.

Once again, let's preface with the fact that we have SEEN with our own eyes, that Kacchan has been the trigger of two specific incidents, being Monoma insulting Kacchan and Izuku becoming angry enough to manifest Black Whip.

And second, Kacchan following him into danger, and then getting impaled and nearly dying to protect him, which then triggered possibly the most RAGE we have ever seen Izuku possess, AND the manifestation of Danger Sense, AND caused him to literally throw himself at AFO/Shigaraki which put him immediately under threat of having OFA stolen. Obviously, the vestiges protected the Quirk, but the fact still stands that the rage the a Izuku felt was enough to drive him LITERALLY into Shigaraki's hands, despite how very very dangerous that was. Izuku LOST HIMSELF so badly that he could have lost the entire war right there, if The Vestiges hadn't protected him and the Quirk.

The moment when All Might and Kacchan are trying to coach him and find the connection that brought about Black Whip. The mention of an external factor, and Izuku's avoidance of saying what that factor was(Kacchan being insulted, as we ALL know and explicitly saw), and arguably his words of "It's not something I can handle right now" seem a bit suspicious.

(NOTE: I've said before, that I had slight skepticism that this line about not being able to handle it and putting a lock on something, was meant to refer to the power he unlocked, however, watching season 5 has made me remember that, after the chaotic manifestation, and talking to Lariat, and realizing that Black Whip was part of his Quirk and therefore there to HELP him, and he had successfully used it without losing control because he ACCEPTED that it was a power that was there to help, not hurt him. I am not so sure that Izuku's "lock" is referring to the power anymore, but rather, his feelings for Kacchan.

But, I have new perspective that maybe, like others were pointing out, maybe it IS referring to the actual TRIGGER. IE, his feelings for Kacchan/his anger on his behalf.

I could be wrong, of course? But stay with me because this is a part of a larger context)

So, after the War arc, after Kacchan got gravely injured on his behalf, after hospitalization, we are given one thing before Izuku suddenly leaves. But it was KACCHAN's perspective, Kacchan waking up and being desperate to get to Izuku, and getting DENIED at the door. We are shown Kacchan's desperation to make sure Izuku's ok, but so far, even well after waking up, we are NOT SHOWN Izuku's worry over Kacchan's condition. We are suddenly FLUNG into a brand new world where Izuku is a drop-out "vigilante" working on the villain activity outside of school, cleaning up villains and questing to find out how villains come to be in their own minds.

We've seen him talk to his mom before he leaves. We've seen him talk to Gran Torino.

But we haven't seen him talk to ANY of his friends yet, ESPECIALLY KACCHAN. When there has been such a fantastic amount of tension placed on that particular relationship, after not only the sacrifice Kacchan made, but also, and particularly, the FOCUS that was placed on Kacchan trying to REACH HIM and FAILING.

We've all been forced to inhale a deep breath as Kacchan charged down that hallway yelling for Deku, and we are STILL HOLDING THAT BREATH. There is a huge, poignant LOOSE END there that is hanging over our head. We are still waiting for the payoff.

So like that scene, in theory, Izuku is still avoiding how he feels so strongly about Kacchan that he can be triggered into rage over him being hurt?

Actually, no, I think this sudden change to Izuku is very much him finally acknowledging it and acting on it.

The reason we have so much unresolved tension still hanging over Kacchan and Izuku's non-reunion, the reason Hori set up this big conflict that hasn't been resolved yet, why he showed us Kacchan trying to see Deku and not an ounce of Izuku wanting to see Kacchan before he leaves,

is that Izuku is actively trying to distance himself from Kacchan.

He did say that the reason he won't be returning to UA is of course because AFO could find him at any time and he would place everyone around him in danger.

But Kacchan? I think Izuku is still very much traumatized by the fact that he witnessed Kacchan taking a would-be fatal blow for him and falling out of the sky, drenched in blood.

I think he probably realizes that if Kacchan follows him into battle again, there's a real chance it could happen again... Or worse, AFO/Shigaraki, now knowing what a touchy button that is for Izuku, could actively target Kacchan on the battlefield, kill him, and/or use him against Izuku.

And Izuku is in the literary stage where the protagonist thinks that the love they have for someone else is a weak point and a danger/liability to those he loves, and so tries to shoulder all the burden themselves an shut the other out. He doesn't want his friends involved, he doesn't want Kacchan involved.

Because he knows that his love for Kacchan is his weakness. He's finally acknowledging that when Kacchan is hurt or slighted, he tends to lose himself. He loses control of his heart, and this is not something they can afford at this point in the game. Defeating AFO is now or never. (and he just desperately doesn't want Kacchan to be hurt for him anymore.)

He is going to have to learn, however, that, like Kacchan says to him, he can't keep playing the Hero on his own. And that their love can be their greatest strength, instead of a weakness.

So he's left, probably without a conversation with Kacchan. Hori is holding out on showing us this, building onto that tension, and I feel like he has some very significant pay off coming up. We haven't been shown any such conversation because he wants us to keep holding that breath for a little longer.

And if I'm right, it's gonna be dramatic when Izuku breaks down about this to Kacchan, finally. There was also some theories that Kacchan v. Deku 3 is going to follow the progression of their relationship and have this one center around Izuku's feelings being laid bare and Kacchan "accepting his feelings" as Izuku had done for him in KvD2, I think I'm a fan of this theory.

So yeah, Izuku knows that Kacchan is his trigger and purposely left without him for that reason.

That's basically my theory. Probably not the first one to think this, but I thought I'd write about it anyway. to get it outta my head, lmao.

Alsooo, yeah this is tagged for my Bakudeku peeps, and I use the word "love" in this, but you can read that as you will, either platonic or possibly romantic, not here to say this theory calls for canon romantic feelings between BKDK because that's not really my point, but at this point denying that they love each other in SOME capacity is being blind.

Ship or don't ship, but I legitimately think this is the psychology of Izuku's decision right now.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Tug Of War: End of Rope

Prompts: Very Soft platonic or queer-platonic h/c story with a focus on the recovery that lets Roman pour out all his love onto someone? Your Roman comforting the others— desperately asking them to let him hold them, telling them they did good, calling them pet names and spoiling them with praise and affection— is amazing! Logan or Patton are my top choices but feel free to choose anyone you like. Thanks if you write this, no pressure if you don't; anything you write feels like a gift to me anyway - anon

Hi there! I kind of might have read almost all of your Sanders Sides fics in two days, so I don't know which story exactly this was in but at some point Roman said the line, "Please let me be soft with you," and truly it killed me inside (in the best way possible). I would absolutely love it if Roman said this or a similar phrase again, and I just really love all of your writing in general, it's amazing! - anon

Janus who is secretly a naga and hides it from the other sides until one day he can’t. He’s also extremely touch starved and nobody touches his scales but when they do he just MELTS into a big NOODLE PUDDLE because SCALE SCRITCHES ON HIS TAIL AND FACE ARE AMAZING (idk if you are even accepting prompts at this time, but if you aren’t please ignore this!) hurt comfort and cuddles feel free to tear my heart out if you feel like it! Platonic DLAMP? - anon

I'm pretty sure you just KILLED me with Tug Of War, so hi *waves* my ghost has returned to beg for a sequel! Preferably with some acceptance for Virgil and healing for Janus and his friendship? I love your writing so much by the way (: - anon

Are you still taking prompts? If so: Angsty Janus who just wants pets AND/or has intense urges to protect everyone because self preservation. Just has to be touching people and make sure they’re okay. Over and over. No romance, only Janus cuddles. - anon

Hey could you do a hurt/comfort where Janus hates pictures of himself cause it reminds him he has a face and his face has scales and he hates his face cause scales? -Nex

I have got a prompt for Sanders Sides, any characters/relationships are fine by me just: Forehead Kisses. More of those than I've found and more of your amazing writing are greatly appreciated, since I love them both very much. Thank you!! - anon

Read on Ao3 Part 1

Warnings: some self-hatred, touch starvation, hypothermia

Pairings: dlampr, platonic or romantic i don't care

Word Count: 4531

It started with him avoiding the uploads. He didn’t watch the footage back, did his best to ignore the editing process, didn’t look at the thumbnails if he knew he was going to be in them.

Then he doesn’t want to spend time with the others in the living room because sometimes the camera is still in there and they’ll want to film with it. He doesn’t want to be on camera like that, doesn’t want to have his picture taken, doesn’t want to be asked if he likes it.

Then he starts avoiding mirrors.

The others don’t notice, or if they have, they haven’t said anything. But that’s fine, he doesn’t expect them to. Their job is not to worry about him, that is his job. He is the one who worries and protects them.

Are you willing to let the cost be worth the reward?

He suppresses a flinch and moves away from that train of thought. He moves away from the memories of wry remarks that it was a good thing there were two of them to keep the others from dying. He moves away from the memory of someone leaving.

He’s cold.

The stupidest thing about snakes is that they’re cold-blooded. Do you know how difficult it is for a biped to fail to thermoregulate? Do you know how inconvenient it is to not be able to curl around yourself to keep warm?

Do you know how awful it is to have to shove your lower half into a mockery of limbs and tread on broken glass and sword tips every time you take a step? Do you know how much it hurts to see scales crawling up the side of your face, your neck, your body every time you see someone else with your face the way it should look? Do you know how cold it is?

It is not worth the risk to have them see more of his scales. It is not worth the risk to have the disguise ripped away and be met with disgust. It is not worth losing the ground he has worked and hurt so hard to gain.

But sometimes, oh, sometimes, he gives in to the selfish need and lets himself want.

He remembers the feeling of Logan’s arms around him. He remembers the whispered words that you are allowed to ask for help. He remembers feeling accepted, not just being accepted.

He curls his arms tighter around his tail.

He remembers warm hands on his scales and the soft brush of a purple hoodie. He remembers slow and patient dry-brushing from hands with green nail polish. He remembers realizing he couldn’t ask for that anymore.

The wounds have closed, the scars have formed, but the ache will not fade.

———————

A side effect of being so consumed by the cold of self-loathing is that many things can go unseen.

A quiet word between Logan and Virgil after filming one day, where Virgil blinks in surprise as Logan offers to continue their conversation in his room.

A laugh surprised out of Roman’s throat as Virgil makes a quip about a character’s backstory, leading to banter back and forth as the two of them mock the poor writing skills of a misogynistic prick.

A soft smile hidden under dark eyeshadow and purple fringe as Patton asks him how he likes his sandwich.

Little moments. Small enough to be overlooked if they aren’t looked for, big enough to start something greater.

Bigger moments, too, can go unseen, if the cold bites at the scales and forces the arms to tighten.

An accepted correction as Virgil points out a flaw in Logan’s conclusion, something they’ve overlooked, and they work through the argument together.

A joint movie review of The Nightmare Before Christmas that ends in a passionate discussion about Disney and cultural appropriation, Roman’s impression of Donald Trump sending Virgil into stitches.

A clumsy yet endearing attempt at baking made by two people who are too giddy at the fact that it’s happening, leading to Patton accidentally spraying flour all over Virgil’s hoodie.

But if the cold is particularly harsh and the bile of hating what form bears the brunt of its wrath is too bitter, these too can go unnoticed.

Unnoticed, too, are the concerned murmurs.

Questions about places in the videos, whether he’s feeling overlooked, neglected.

Questions about the mirrors, are they too bright, are there too many?

Questions about how he’s walking, is he hurt, does he have an accessibility need they’re not accommodating, they’ve seen him using his staff as a cane, are they being ableist even un-intentionally?

Questions that come from all Sides of the Mindscape, even those that know some of the answers.

One of whom is getting more and more worried as his oldest friend slips further and further away.

———————

It’s cold.

It’s cold.

It’s so fucking cold.

Janus huddles on the ground in front of the fireplace, late at night when there isn’t anyone else around, and pulls his tail as tightly around him as he can. The fire dances in the hearth and the light makes his scales reflect patterns around the room. He closes his eyes tight.

It’s cold. His scales hate him. The cold worms its way under them and refuses to budge, even as the heat from the fire starts to hurt the part that isn’t scaly. He grist his teeth and hugs his tail tighter.

His own hands are cold. They feel weightless. Empty. Like cardboard cutouts, two-dimensional, not real, not enough. Not worth it.

A whine he will deny until his dying day squeezing between the coils of his tail and he buries his head beneath the cold, cold scales.

“Hey, you—oh, Jesus, J, come on, don’t do that.”

He’s hallucinating. He’s hallucinating because that sounds like Virgil and Virgil would never be here, not now, not after everything, and his imagination is being cruel to him.

“Come on, J, you’re gonna hurt yourself, unwind, just a bit, hey, hey—oh, you poor thing.”

Virgil is not here. Virgil is not here.

“Come on, J, don’t make me play dirty.”

Virgil isn’t here. Virgil isn’t here and his imagination is being cruel and he doesn’t want to imagine what happens next because it won’t be real and he will cry.

“Alright, you asked for it.”

A warm hand lands on his tail and begins to scratch.

A shudder runs through his body and punches a low, mortifying sound from his throat. There’s a quiet hum from somewhere next to him and the hand moves.

“Come on,” Virgil—Virgil?—coaxes, his hand still scratching at the scales, “just poke your head up for me, let me see you, come on, J.”

He raises his head slowly, very slowly, reaching for this to be a lie and for the room to be cold and empty and for his scales to ache, only to see a concerned Virgil staring at him.

“Hey, J,” he says quietly, “you’re not doing so hot, are you?”

Dumbfounded, Janus can only shake his head. Virgil makes a sympathetic noise and his hand moves.

“How long have you been wearing this—“ he waves vaguely at the tail—“under your, you know, metaphysical meat sack? Too long?”

“T-too l-long.”

“Shit, J, you’re really cold. Okay, uh—“

Janus watches in wary astonishment as Virgil gets up and starts to gather the blankets and pillows around the room. When he crouches back down to tuck them into place, he pauses and tilts his head.

“What’s that look, huh?”

“What—what’re you—what’re you doing?”

“What’s it look like I’m doing, J,” Virgil teases gently, “I’m helping.”

And Janus, who has been so cold for long enough that he’s forgotten what human warmth looks like, just stares at him. Virgil holds his gaze for a moment, then softens and gives him a rueful smile.

“So maybe this is my apology,” he mumbles, “for, uh, what I did to you and said to you.”

He tucks the first blanket around Janus’s shoulders.

“You…you’re good, J. I’m—you know I’m not good with words. I’m sorry, okay, that’s—that I know. I’m sorry I fucked stuff up for us. Just—“ he tucks it into place and holds his gaze— “we’re good, okay? You’re all good with me.”

“I—I am?”

“Shit, J, I should be asking you that.” He sets the last of the blankets down and carefully reaches out to cup Janus’s shoulders. “What’s going on, talk to me?”

Janus’s hands are too cold to grip anything properly, sliding through the coils of his tail and off of Virgil’s arms. Virgil makes another noise and takes one in his, rubbing and blowing softly to try and warm him up.

“You’re freezing,” he murmurs, “let’s—let’s worry about getting you warm, okay?”

But as he tries to pry Janus loose from the frozen tangle he’s found himself in, he can’t. The limb is coiled so tightly, so cold, that every effort just sends another icy shiver through Janus’s body. Pained whispers and muffled gasps break the silence as the fire snaps and crackles. Eventually, when even scratching the scales won’t help, Virgil pulls back and sighs.

“J, you need help.”

“I’m aware.”

“No, look at me—“ he catches Janus’s chin— “you need help that I can’t give you. Can I—can I call the others?”

The others?

“Shh, shh, hey, okay—hold on, J, J, you gotta breathe.” Warm hands are on his scales, on his face, soft and pleasant and there. “In and out, J, come on…”

Janus leans into the warm, shuddering a little as Virgil talks him back into breathing normally. He curls in on himself again, even as Virgil tries to coax him out of it.

Is it worth the cost, when even after the dust has settled, you can’t stop hurting?

“It’s okay, Janus, it’s okay, I’m not—I’m not mad anymore.”

Even when the hurt has been patched, can you forget the memory of it?

“Janus? Janus, please, just—just look at me.”

Worry laces Virgil’s expression as Janus looks up, softening the slightest bit as they make eye contact.

“You need help, Janus,” he explains in the soft worried voice he remembers, “I…I can’t take care of you by myself.”

His expression hardens.

“And both me and Remus will kick their asses if they make fun of you.”

And just that, just the smallest memory of when the three of them were close friends, is enough to make Janus nod.

“Janny? Janny, Virge said—oh, fuck!”

Janus winces as Remus almost barrels into him, just saving himself from tripping over his tail. Remus quickly collapses to the ground and rolls out of the way, reaching out to push the pillow back into place.

“Sorry, Jan-Jan, I didn’t mean to.”

“Virgil? Is everything—oh.” Patton’s eyes widen as he sees Janus and Janus watches him swallow questions on the tip of his tongue. “What can I do?”

“Jan-Jan’s too cold right now,” Remus explains, carefully nudging Virgil out of the way and gesturing for Patton to come sit next to him, “we—well, uh, I don’t actually know how to explain it.”

“Is Logan coming?”

“Is that okay,” Virgil whispers to Janus, and when Janus nods, he turns to Patton, “I’ll summon him.”

“What is—oh,” Logan murmurs, spotting the four of them huddled near the fire, “Janus, I didn’t realize you were a naga, my apologies.”

“I h-hid it from—from you,” Janus stutters, “you—you weren’t supposed—you weren’t supposed to know.”

“I see. Are…are you alright with getting help now?”

“I don’t—don’t have much of a choice.”

Logan glances around and must see the wash of concern on their faces—he leans down and nudges a pillow out of the way and kneels near Janus’s tail.

“Virgil, what do we do?”

“Wha—me? Why’re you asking me?”

“You’re the one that called us here,” Logan says softly, “and you’re the one who most likely knows what to do.”

“R-right, um—“ Virgil shakes his head to clear it— “we need to get him stretched out. If he’s like this for too long his tail will seize and it’ll cause muscle damage.”

“Alright.” Logan reaches out and gently lays a warm hand on Janus’s scales. Janus shudders. “I apologize if this is sensitive, but we’re going to have to move your tail.”

“I—I know.”

Warm hands worm their way through his coils and oh, oh, they’re warm, they’re so warm but his tail is so cold that he’s pulling away from them as much as he’s trying to relax and let them move him. The struggle sends bolts of pain ricocheting up his spine and he whimpers.

“This isn’t working,” Patton mutters, “we’re just hurting him.”

“We have to get him unwrapped, he’s going to get hurt more if we don’t.”

“But not by force!”

“Snakey,” Remus murmurs, “Snakey, I know it’s hard, but can you—can you relax any more?”

Janus just winces, shaking his head as he begins to shiver terribly. Virgil curses.

“Alright,” he mutters, “it’s big gun time.”

Janus’s head jerks up. “B-big gun? What’s—what’s the—what’s the big gun?”

Virgil gives him a look. “Princey?”

Oh.

Oh, dear.

“There you all are, I’ve been looking everywhere for…”

Roman’s voice trails off as Janus hides his head in his arms and his tail. Distantly, he hears Virgil explaining in a low voice what’s going on and Roman must say something back. He feels the warmth of the others begin to pull away, followed by the soft whooshing noises as they sink out, one by one.

It’s not that he fears Roman’s reaction to finding out about his…everything more than the others, it’s just—just—

After the fight is over, and you’ve won, will you still feel as though you deserve the reward? Can you let yourself accept it, knowing what it took to get here?

Soft footsteps coming closer and another presence, this time between him and the fire. The part of him that isn’t covered in scales ache with the relief of the reprieve, even when his scales cry out in the cold.

“Little snake,” he hears, softer than he can imagine, “little snake, can you look at me, please?”

He squeezes his eyes shut and begins to raise his head, only opening his eyes once he’s sure he won’t duck away. Roman meets his gaze easily, face in shadow from the fire, and smiles.

“Hello, little snake,” he murmurs, “you look very cold.”

Janus jerks his head in a nod. Slowly, Roman extends a hand to him, but doesn’t touch. The proximity burns.

“Can you take my hand, please?”

Janus’s limbs whine in protest as he tries to move them, finally fumbling his cold hand into Roman’s warm one. A gasp tears from his throat from the effort, even as Roman wraps his fingers around his hand to keep it there.

“Thank you, little snake, very good.” The praise washes over him and he shudders. “Can you squeeze my hand?”

The muscles don’t want to respond, cold all the way through, but he grits his teeth and manages to squeeze Roman’s hand. Roman lets out another soft noise.

“Good, little snake, very good.” He gives Janus’s hand a gentle squeeze of his own. “Now, if at any point I do something you don’t like, or if you want me to stop for any reason, try and squeeze twice, okay?”

“O-okay.”

“Let’s try,” Roman murmurs, reaching out and gently stroking Janus’s shoulder with two fingers, “can you tell me to stop?”

Janus fumbles through the squeezes only to make a bereft sound when Roman immediately pulls his hand away. He chuckles.

“Shh, it’s alright, you did very well, little snake. I need to make sure you can stop me if you need to, hmm? Do you think that’ll work?”

“What…what’re you g-going to do—to do to me?”

“Yeesh, Janus, you make it sound like you’re in trouble.” Roman rubs the back of his hand with his thumb to soften the tease. “I’m just here to help. Virgil said you were having trouble getting warm, is that right?”

He nods, tail twitching miserably.

“I’m sorry about that, little snake…and you’re having trouble unwinding because you’re cold, but you’re having trouble warming up because you’re a little noodle ball right now, hmm?”

“It’s st-stupid.”

“It’s not stupid, little snake,” comes the gentle chide, “it just is. And I’m here to help.”

Janus sneaks a look around the rest of the room. “H-how? W-why did you send—send the others away?”

“Because you’re not just cold because of the temperature, Janus,” Roman says softly, “you’re touch starved.”

He is?

“You haven’t made a habit of physical contact since you started spending more time with us,” Roman says, “and Remus says that since you and Virgil…”

‘Fell apart,’ he fills in, and yes, that—that was the last person who knew exactly how to read Janus’s feelings toward touch.

Is…is he touch starved?

Oh.

Oh.

“Yeah, little snake,” Roman murmurs, “so I sent them to go gather the best blankets and pillows from every corner of the Mindscape while we start warming you up.”

“W-why?”

“Well—“ Roman shifts his weight, easing a little further into the floor— “a lot of touch all at once can be very overwhelming, especially when you’re not used to it and you’re already cold.”

“O-oh.”

He smiles. “So just me for right now, hmm? We’re just going to go slow, as slow as you like, to get you used to it. Is that alright?”

Hands. Hands on his skin, on his scales, warm hands…he’s nodding before Roman can finish the question.

“Good, good, little snake…I’m going to touch you now, alright?” Roman reaches his free hand and starts to stroke Janus’s shoulder again, just two fingers. “Can you feel that?”

He nods.

“Good,” he murmurs, his hand moving to cup the side of his neck, “what about there, yes?”

The rush of warmth makes his eyes grow heavy but he nods, even as Roman chuckles.

“Good, little snake, you’re doing very well. Just relax, I’m right here, nothing’s going to hurt you right now.” The hand moves to scritch gently at the scales under his chin and he keens. “Oh? Just here?”

Roman’s fingers wiggle again and Janus shudders.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Roman whispers, his breath fanning across Janus’s hand, “please, please let me be soft with you, let me spoil you.”

“What—what happened to going slow?”

But then warm fingers slip up and smooth firmly over his cheek scales and it punches a whimper from his throat. His hand twitches and his eyes slam shut. The rush of warmth is staggering.

As soon as it starts to get overwhelming, Roman backs off, hand cupping the back of Janus’s head as he presses a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Sorry, little snake, that was mean.”

“What’s mean is you stopping,” Janus mumbles, trying to push into the warmth of it, only growing mortified after he realizes what he’s said.

Roman’s laugh gentles away the kindling embarrassment as he strokes his thumb gently along Janus’s scaled cheek. “I won’t stop, little snake, not if you don’t want me to.”

Janus begins to float, up out of his body, following the trails of Roman’s hand along his face. Unconsciously, he starts to move, to chase it, even as Roman chuckles and tells him it’s alright, good job, just like that.

“You’re getting used to touch again,” he murmurs, “that’s good. You’re already relaxing for me…good…good, little snake. I’m right here, I’m right here.”

His voice creates a white noise of reassurance, holding him close, coaxing his walls down. Janus’s control over his breathing slips. His chest begins to heave. Then he tips his head up and kisses his forehead with another quiet: “it’s alright, Janus, it’s alright,” and that’s it.

He can’t—he can’t— he leans into Roman’s hand on his neck—he needs—

“…more?”

“Of course, little snake,” Roman murmurs, “may I touch your tail, now?”

Janus nods, only letting out a small whine when Roman’s hand begins to travel down his neck, his arm, finally coming to rest on the top of his coils. The whine quickly morphs to a groan as Roman begins to rub small circles into the scales.

“I read about snakes with Logan and Remus not too long ago,” comes Roman’s voice, “about the difference between the scales on the back of the snake and the underbelly. They tend to be smaller, a little thinner, right?”

Warm fingers begin to trail toward the underside of the top coil.

“It’s not good for them to be pressed against something cold,” Roman continues, “not if you want to warm up. Can we try and see if we can get you to relax enough to press them against something warm?”

Janus nods just as Roman runs his hand along the row of scales separating the coils and his hand tightens on instinct.

“Janus?” Roman pulls his hand away immediately. “Are you alright?”

Janus is most certainly not alright. The touch of something warm there, someone touching his scales there, was enough to make him shudder from top to tip. Roman’s waiting for him to say something and he needs—he needs to be warm.

“Please—“ he tugs Roman’s hand back toward his tail— “please—“

“You don’t have to beg, little snake,” Roman’s hushing, “I’ll give you what you want, just be patient. I don’t want to overwhelm you. That could be a worse shock to your system than letting you stay cold.”

“Just—please?”

“Is this your way of asking me to use two hands?” When Janus nods frantically, Roman smiles and sets Janus’s hand on his shoulder. “Do you remember what to do if you want me to stop?”

Janus quickly squeezes Roman’s shoulder twice.

“Good, little snake, good job.” Roman gently lays his warm hands on Janus’s tail. “You’re getting warmer, good, do you think you might be able to relax for me soon?”

“I’ll try.”

Roman smiles and leans forward to kiss his forehead again. “Good.”

“How’re you so warm,” Janus mumbles as he begins to trace his scales again.

“Space heater,” Roman chuckles, “drove Remus mad when we were younger.”

Janus opens his mouth to say something else but Roman’s fingers brush between two coils and he melts, shuddering into the side of Roman’s neck. Roman doesn’t pause, simply turns his head to murmur into Janus’s ear.

“There? Does that feel alright?” When Janus doesn’t reply, but doesn’t squeeze either, he chuckles. “Can you melt a little more for me, sweetheart? Can we get you warm?”

Roman’s fingers scritch with gentle relentlessness at the soft section of scales and slowly, slowly Janus finds himself lying down on the pile of blankets and pillows as his tail relaxes bit by bit.

“Good, good little snake, that’s it, you’re doing so well.” Another kiss pressed to his forehead. Roman’s fingers move a little to the left and Janus yelps. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, just…sensitive.”

He can feel Roman grin against him. “Is your tail ticklish, little snake?”

Before he can answer, Roman’s nails skitter around the scales again and he squeezes.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m teasing, I’ll stop.” He gentles, rubbing the pads of his fingers up and down the top of Janus’s spine to help him calm down. “Are you feeling a little warmer now?”

“Mhm.” Janus blinks lazily up at him. “’S warm here.”

“Yeah, little snake, is it warm?” Roman smiles. “I’m glad, you’re doing very well.”

“Holy shit, Princey, that was fast.”

Virgil appears over Roman’s shoulder, spreading a warmsoftcomfortablesafe blanket over the end of Janus’s tail. A few seconds later and Remus pops into view, coaxing Janus’s head up to lay a pillow under it. Patton and Logan follow not too far behind, packing the rest of the pile into place and settling around the edges.

“I told you he was good,” Remus grins.

“Yeah, yeah, shh. I’m tired and I’m gonna sleep here.”

“Ooh, sleep, yes, good.” Remus flops onto the ground. “Me too.”

Roman’s hand stays soothing and gentle on Janus’s tail as he lays down too, tucking Janus’s blanket around the both of them as he kisses Janus’s cheek.

“Stay warm, little snake, hmm?”

Janus mumbles sleepily.

Is it worth it, at the end of the day, after all the work you’ve put in?

Yes, because you can always work to make it better.

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[linkspooky]

Eren Jaeger’s Final Words

So there are many people unimpressed with the final statement given by Eren’s character, either finding it inconsistent with the build up to this point, or too ambiguous a motivation for trampling all over the world. I’m not really here to talk about the quality of the story, whether it was good or bad, because I don’t really care. However, I think it’s fascinating what the text is trying to say about Eren’s character and his motivation. 

This is why, “I don’t know, shrug” is both an answer and not an answer to why Eren did what he did in the end. For making my point in this analysis, I’ll be talking about Eren’s character from Marley on showing both the Eren that appeared before Reiner, the one that talked to Zeke, and finally the one Armin saw are all the same person. 

1. And Now for Something Completely Different

Before I even begin though, let’s talk about something entirely different. My favorite episode of Doctor Who is from the 4th Doctor Era, entitled “Genesis of the Daleks” first broadcast around 1975. What makes this episode my favorite episode is both the premise, and the question it asks. If you haven’t watched Doctor Who the basic premise is the main character is a time traveler who can go everywhere and everywhen in the universe. One of his common enemies is the Daleks, a race whose goal is to kill everything else in the universe. The Time Lords order the Doctor to go back in time to the era the daleks were created, and prevent their creation in order to prevent every person they would eventually kill. 

He goes do the Dalek homeworld, and meets the scientist who created them Davros. Eventually, the doctor fails enough that he’s not able to prevent their creation, but he could, wipe them out when they were just newly born children and completely innocent. The doctor decides not to kill them right then because that would be a pre-emptive genocide, and the Doctor is a pacifist. When Davros witnesses him making this choice it prompts this conversation one of my favorite in all of television. The link to the clip is here if you’re interested. [Source.]

Davros: "Now, future errors will be come victories. You have changed the future of the universe, Doctor." Doctor: "I have betrayed the future. Davros, for the last time, consider what you're doing. Stop the development of the Daleks." Davros: "Impossible. It is beyond my control. The workshops are already fully automated to produce the Dalek machines." Doctor: "It's not the machines, it's the minds of the creatures inside them. Minds that you created. They are totally evil." Davros: "Evil? No. No, I will not accept that. They are conditioned simply to survive. They can survive by becoming the dominant species. When all other life forms are suppressed, when the Daleks are the supreme rules of the universe, then you will have peace. Wars will end. They are the power not of evil, but of good." Doctor:"Davros, if you had created a virus in your laboratory, something contagious and infectious that killed on contact, a virus that would destroy all other forms of life, would you allow its use?" Davros: "It is an interesting conjecture." Doctor: "Would you do it?" Davros: "The only living thing, a microscopic organism reigning supreme... A fascinating idea. Doctor: "But, would you do it?" Davros: "Yes... yes..." [ Davros raises a hand as if holding the metaphorical capsule.]

Davros: "To hold in my hand a capsule that contains such power, to know that life and death on such a scale was my choice. To know that the tiny pressure of my thumb, enough to break the glass, would end everything... Yes, I would do it! That power would set me above the gods!

Davros’ motivations seem at first brush look one-note and evil, just another mad scientist playing god. However, what makes the conversation great is the context it takes place in. Here is the choice offered to the doctor, kill a race that he knows will go on to make war and kill innocents in the future in their infancy before they have done anything wrong, or don’t kill them and ensure the future you know will happen. 

The Doctor isn’t saying that his choice is the right one. He’s not saying he’s doing good by choosing not to slaughter an innocent race. He’s saying, he can’t bring himself to make that choice. In that situation he chooses not to choose, because it would be against his pacifist believes to choose either way. Which Davros at first, takes to mean the Doctor siding with him. However, when they begin to debate it, notice how they’re not talking about what is the philosophically correct choice to do. The doctor hammers in this point, would you do it? Would you do it? After getting Davros to admit that yes, he would do it, his motivation becomes much clearer, he doesn’t actually care whether his actions result in a good thing or a bad thing, he simply wanted to be the one who got to choose. 

What does Davros want? The power that surpasses a normal human being’s ability to choose. Davros himself is basically written to be pure evil, but his desire itself is a little more complex. Davros is a person lacking in agency, if you tear him away from his support system he’ll die within thirty seconds. He designs what he believes is the perfect race capable of conqueringthe universe which are reflections of him. They’re soft little squid creatures in mechanical shells which are inpenetrable. Davros himself cannot seize that power, he is inferior because he’s attached to the life support system (in his own mind), so the power he wants instead is the power to make the choice to unleash them upon the world. 

If the Doctor by failing to make that impossible choice in the situation, by not wanting to even hold the capsule in his hands and have that ability to choose remains a man, then Davros chooses to throw away his humanity (which he ties to his inferiority and weakness) and becomes a god instead. To tie my long tangent which just shows how much of a geek I am back to Eren, Eren’s choice wasn’t actually about bringing a good result or a bad one at all. He simply wanted to choose. People who are lacking for agency, who feel powerless and inferior to tend to grasp for it. They try to fix external circumstances instead of internally facing what is within them, because they can’t bear to face it (hence the complex about being inferior in the first place). 

People often compare Kaneki from Tokyo Ghoul to Eren because their stated motivation bears some resemblance “we were doing this all to protect our friends”, however, it’s important to grasp that Kaneki and Eren are liars and unreliable narrators both. Their stated motivation isn’t necessarily true. I don’t think the final chapter is as clear as it could have been in nailing down the finer points of this, but Eren does in fact change his stated motivation from “I was doing it all to set up you as heroes of the world” to “I would have done it anyway even if you didn’t come to stop me” to “I don’t know. I just wanted to.” So, the fact that Eren will directly lie about his motivation and try to rationalize his actions and even switch stories in the space of one conversation is at least established. 

So to bring the comparison back to Kaneki, both Eren and Kaneki lie about their external motivations that they are doing this for their friends when really they act because of unacknowledged internal motivators. They are secretly selfish, while presenting their actions as some kind of great sacrifice they’re making for the sake of others. The deepest we ever dig into Kaneki’s head he makes this statement. 

I’m going to do something that will make everyone love me. Good, bad, it could be anything. After that, I wanna die heroically!

Eren and Kaneki aren’t the same because they’re brave people who fight for their friends, it’s because internally they’re pathetic and unlovable. They’re so starved for agency and attention that they’ll do anything for it, and they just don’t care about the consequences for their actions. Kaneki also, later on in the manga engages in mass slaughter for once again what is a pretty bad reason. It’s not to protect someone or for the sake of someone else. It’s because he’s lonely and wants comfort. 

Kaneki doesn’t care about what he’s doing or the consequences of his actions, he’s desperate and wants to do what will immediately gratify him in the moment. He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing will unleash mass slaughter and have greater consequences because he’s not thinking about that. 

Compare this to the doctor’s choice. The doctor knows the direct result of his actions, if he does not abort the daleks he will fail to prevent the deaths of innocent people. Knowing those consequences he says he still won’t make the choice because he believes his pacifist principles are something he won’t bend on. Kaneki, and Eren both have on principles, or no reasons. They just do whatever in the moment, and make up a reason after the fact. For Touka, For his friends, because he wanted to, because of freedom, because why not? 

Kaneki and Eren can construct no good reason for their actions, and no principles behind their actions, because unlike the doctor, they don’t have a developed enough and they’re not capable of making measured choices. They steal away agency because they’ve been deprived of it, they want the feeling of power and control that comes with making the choice, but they don’t want the responsibility for it. The doctor knows if he doesn’t choose to wipe out the Daleks he’s responsible for that choice, but can’t bring himself to kill. His actions are pacifistic. However, Eren and Kaneki choose to kill in the same situation, and their actions inevitably cause the conflict to accelerate. The Doctor remains a man, Kaneki and Eren do not. 

What kind of person would want to become a god anyway? 

A person pathetically, incapable of feeling alright as a human being. 

That’s why Kaneki and Eren make the choice to become monsters, because they’re incapable of living with themselves, or their actions as people. Either way they can’t live with it, hence why, Kaneki’s stated motivation is I’ll make everyone love me and then I’ll just die. Hence why the person who is making this statment is a childish version of him. 

There is no good reason for what Eren does. That sounds like a cop-out answer after making you read all this long, but what is a good reason for killing people? This is a lot of rambling but I hope I’ve at least established that Eren’s internal reasonings make no sense, his internal mechanisms at least do. The reason he doesn’t come up with a reason is because he didn’t actually care about the result of his actions, he just wanted to be in the position to choose. He wanted absolute agency because he was denied agency like a child, and as a forever stunted child, he never grew up to realize that most people in the whole world eventually make compromises and live on with sadness instead of getting to do whatever they want. 

Words that Eren was told again and again but failed to listen to. He’s not the only person that suffers in the world. He’s not the only person that’s lost people. He’s not the all-suffering protagonist of reality, he’s just one personin the greater scheme of things. However, the ability to compromise like that. To realize that other people exist besides you, that they have feelings separate from yours, that you are not the protagonist of reality is what an adult does, and what Eren can’t do. It’s easier to become god apparently, throw his whole life away as a child soldier making the ultimate sacrifice then just try growing up. 

What’s the point of writing a character with such a pathetic motivvation? It’s because it’s human. 

To badly misquote Jung, most people assume they are nice people when really they are in fact jerks. The reasons can be very complex, but sometimes it’s just as simple as not being able to look past your own ego and understand people feel differently than you do. Eren cannot accept other people, whether they be his friends, the comrades he’s fought with this entire time, the adults trying to guide him, he is just so incapable of accepting them that he regresses into a child making selfish demands of the world. It seems inhuman but imagine Eren in a completely different setting. What if Eren were just a shut-in? Just a teenager who didn’t leave his room. A fundamental ability to accept other people would sabotage all his other attempts to grow up and leave his room, and he’d choose to remain a child forever. The stakes are different, the situation is different, but the internal mechanisms are unmistakably human. 

2. All Erens is the Same

Okay, here’s where I actually try to prove that Eren’s character arc is consistent with the story. What was revealed in 139 at all wasn’t a 180, and wasn’t a reveal that secretly Eren had good intentions all along. He never had good motivations, or selfless one. From beginning to end he was a selfish child, and his reasoning was always that of a stunted individual unable to understand the feelings of others but placing his own feelings as far more important.

What Eren does in 139 is rationalizing and changing his answer, which he has done several times before that point anyway, and is therefore consistent with his behavior up until that point. It’s important to acknowledge that Eren models himself, not after Grisha, but rather Eren Kruger. The foil to Grisha and the reaction to Grisha’s bad parenting is Zeke. The person who Eren makes similiar choices to is Kruger says the reason he picked Grisha is the eyes he possessed in childhood. 

The thing about Kruger is, textually, Kruger fucking sucks. He says it himself. He claims he was doing it for the sake of helping others, and yet, all he ever felt like he was doing, was torturing people, and throwing them to the dogs. He kept saying he had good motivations, but his actions were repeated brutal violence, over and over again. He contributed more to the conflict than he helped to resolve it. 

At the end of his life, Kruger says once again he doesn’t believe what he’s done has changed anything, and doesn’t believe he himself hs changed. He’s still the child with hatred in his eyes. His reason for passing it onto Grisha is because he knew Grisha wouldn’t grow up either, and would keep that inside of him. Kruger failed to grow, Grisha failed to grow, in a way that mattered, in time to make an actual change. They only ever made things worse, and that is, the model we are supposed to parallel Eren to. 

Now this is at the same time that the Attack Titan’s future vision powers are shown to us. The question a lot of people are asking is if Eren had free will in his choice, or he was fated to make that choce all along. The answer is. No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not at all. The fact that Eren was destined to do it, is yet another excuse, the like seventh change of motivation that Eren gives us. “I saw it happen in the future so I did everything I could to make it happen, but I didn’t think I had a choice this was the only way to make you guys hero,” Eren says, and then five seconds later. “I didn’t know what would happen , I probably  would have done it anyway even if I knew you guys were all going to die and fail to stop me.” 

Eren is once again making excuses, and avoiding all kinds of responsibility. If he is the chosen one, if his actions are controlled by fate, if he’s a god, if he’s a devil, he is not human and therefore he is not responsible. Eren wants the power to decide the fate for the world, but will do anything but accept responsibility for that choice. Eren wants to be Eren the bloody conqueror, but he’s not even self-aware enough to see himself as a bad person he can’t even own that so when confronted on his actions he reduces himself back to a child, and evades responsibility. Eren’s own motivation, his stated motivation is for no reason, however, the reasons he avoids the guilt like this are complex in their mechanisms as I wrote about above. The simple question is if Eren saw this future why did he not try to stop it? The simple answer is because he did not want to. 

There are a million and one excuses Eren has for why he thought the future could be avoided, but his actions tell a different story. He didn’t lift a finger to try. He spent the next four years making rationalizations for what he eventually would do. I will now establish, Eren was actually given several oppurtunities to stop, and then he just did not stop. 

In the Reiner and Eren scene while Tybur is speaking in the background, Eren is offered a choice. Quite literally, Tybur is narrating the same story that Eren wants to set up. Become the devil that tried to destroy the world, so the heroes (his friends) will defeat him. He’s given the chance to be genuine and talk things out with Reiner and what does he choose. 

He chooses to accelerate. He could have stopped. Remember how Reiner was practically begging him to talk things out? Not only that but Eren sees that Reiner’s stated motivations for doing what he did were, completely fake, just rationalizations made up in the moment. 

Eren is presented with the reality of who he really is, a child who hates himself, who wants to kill himself rather than take responsibility for his actions, and he chooses the narrative Tybur offers him. Rather than be hismelf, stop the story here, he chooses to move the story forward.And the conflict accelerates when they could have reconciled. Not because there was no other choice, Reiner was begging, crying, and holding Eren’s hand at the same time asking for peace and forgiveness but because Eren chose to accelerate the conflict. 

Eren’s choices are always that of an accelerationist. When given the oppurtunity to stop, he chooses instead, to always make the conflict worse. That is, the result of Eren’s myriad of choices made throughout the arc. Everything is worse now, and more people are dead. Nothing good is achieved through these means because Eren wasn’t trying for good. Eren didn’t care about good results, he just wanted to be doing something. Easier to be an all powerful demon, than a powerless child which is what he sees Reiner as in the moment.

The only time I believe that Eren was putting on an act was when speaking with Mikasa and Armin. The rest of it wasn’t acts, it was just who Eren is, who he sees himself to be. The thing is most people don’t read Eren’s kind of behavior, constant masculine posturing, war mongering, accelerating the conflict, throwing himself into fighting, as childish and toxic when it is. The point of Eren’s masculinity is it’s a performance. Reiner crying and begging in front of Eren is embarrassing and pathetic yes, but it’s also how he felt in that moment, it’s a human vulnerability. Whereas, Eren’s outer persona is entirely empty of love and vulernability, of every emotion besides anger, and violence. However, because it’s empty, he just acts, empty... Great wording there I know. Eren when posturing in front of others basically has no personality. He is just guy who fights. 

Eren performs the role of a ruthless soldier in front of others, because it prevents him from being vulnerable. Remember who Eren is posturing in front of, Reiner, and then later Zeke. What were they doing? They were both at the moment trying to appeal to his human side, Reiner by crying and begging for forgiveness a show of vulnerability, and Zeke by tryig to show Eren what their father did to them was wrong.

Calls for violence, posturing, warmongering and rhetoric, Eren’s every response when Zeke tries to examine his humanity. Eren insists over and over again, you see I’m not actually a human being. It was impossible for father to reach me because I was simply born that way. However, the kind of person Eren pretends to be is empty, someone incapable of feeling anything. The only way he knows how to be strong, is to simply not have feelings, to deny all human emotion and become something else and that’s just lame. We also know, that Eren himself is not like that because he contradicts his stated motivation that the only reason he killed those slavers was for the concept of freedom itself when he takes too long trying to look at Mikasa.

Eren denies himself empathy, he denies himself udnerstanding, and therefore no one will ever see his emotional wounds. That way, he can be invulenerable forever, but at the same time he denies MIkasa and Armin.

We return again to the motif of the story. It’s the same repeated image, someone tells Eren to stop, Eren says that it must not stop, the story must continue. 

Both of Eren’s foils and family members,Zeke and Grisha  tell Eren to stop this. That they do not want this. The whole world yells at Eren to stop, and he does not stop. Stopping would mean, accepting some measure of helplessness so Eren does not stop. 

To be honest, what Eren says in 131 is far more telling than literally any of the excuses he came up with in 139 which is why I think it should be interpreted not as the final word on Eren’s character but rather, showing what his waffling actually looks like to an outside observer - not heroic at all but rather pathetic. 

Eren’s childish desire to be this powerful, to stand up above everyone like a god while ignoring the suffering of the world around him - is pretty telling enough of Eren’s true motivations that he needs no further elaboration. Eren does not become god for the sake of his friends, he does not do it because he thinks it will make the world a better place, he does it because of childish delusions of grandeur and his inability to let go of his childish feelings of entitlement. The world isn’t the way he wants it to be and he can’t comrpomise with that in any way. Eren is more like a caricature of the most petty person on earth when you put it that way, but this is... a fictional story. Thematically Eren is a good example why ideals are ideals, and people are in fact, people, ulitmately very disappointing and falling short of those idealse. So once again moving past this. 

Eren, you can literally just stop. Eren is basically given every choice in the world to stop, everyone else in the story tells him to, and he just doesn’t. The author does go to a painstaking extent to show that Eren in fact could have stopped. Every single time he is given the oppurtunity to stop he instead chooses to accelerate the conflict.

It is interesting to show the one time Eren actually did stop though. It wasn’t for Mikasa, it was Mikasa’s decision. 

When Eren puts the decision on someone else, he can stop. Eren has feelings for Mikasa, but rather than confessing to her he makes her speak up about what her feelings are, even when everyone around him just, straight up tells him. 

Why is he capable of stopping when it’s someone else’s choice? In those cases, Eren succesfully avoids responsibility. When he makes the decision to run away in the possible alternate reality he’s doing what Mikasa wanted. 

The other time is when he decides to accept the result of whatever Mikasa decides. In both cases, Eren rather than accept responsibility for his actions and the results of his actions, just, puts it all on Mikasa. 

Is he doing this for Mikasa’s sake? To set Mikasa up as the hero of the world? No, he can’t even face Mikasa and explain himself or his feelings. Eren makes the choices to... put the ultimate decision on Mikasa, and run away without explaining himself because, that’s easier than taking repsonsibility for his choices. Every choice Eren makes, is to either make the conflict worse, because stirring the pot makes him feel powerful and in control, or throw control away to someonee else or some other reason (predestination whatnot) because he can’t bear the responsibility of what he’s doing. He wants to kill a bunch of people, but like... he doesn’t want to feel like a bad person about it (hence the excuse, he was doing it for his friends and yet later in the same conversation him saying that if he had killed his friends and they failed he still would have done it anyway). 

Therein lies the rub. Eren is not doing this for his friends, because he takes the one path that is guaranteed to take him out of their lives. He doesn’t do it for Mikasa because he does the one thing guaranteed to destroy her. 

I love this girl so much, that I created this elaborate scenario where the only way she could save the world was to horribly behead me, the one family member left from her childhood after she spent her entire life trying to protect me from fear of losing her family - yeah that sounds completely insane.

It is meant to be. Eren is thinking jack all about what his friends are feeling. His feelings for Mikasa, his desire to keep her safe and away from everything else trump everything even the idea that his love might be returned. He loves at Mikasa. He’s not in love with her, he’s projecting his love upon her. “Why didn’t he just tell her about his feelings if he secretly loved her all this time?” the point was, he couldn’t. Eren’s ego isn’t developed enough to love another person, that requires actually caring about their feelings which Eren doesn’t do to well.

 There’s a reason Eren and Mikasa’s connection keeps lingering back to the small kindness they showed each other as childhood,it’s because literally despite spending their entire lives growing up together, their connection hasn’t grown at all since then, because they can’t grown. 

At the end of the series however, Mikasa makes the opposite coice of Eren. If Eren’s choice has been to remain a selfish child all this time, to make other people suffer rather than face his own hurt feelings. Mikasa makes the choice of selflessness, to grow up, beyond the child who loved Eren into the adult who knows that even if you love people, one day you might lose them. 

Eren’s choices only ever make the conflict worse. Mikasa’s choice finally stopped the conflict that Eren kept accelerating. It didn’t save the world, it saved the world from Eren. 

I think it’s important to remember that Eren didn’t see what MIkasa was going to do, that her actions were going to end up breaking the curse. He literally had no idea what was going to happena fter the massacre, all he saw was the massacre and decided to do what he could to bring it about. 

“I did all of this for you guy.” 

Backtracking, five seconds later, and making excuses it all would have happened anyway. 

It’s the same behavior consistently shown throughout. Eren could have stopped. Eren did not stop. Afterwards, Eren wants to reconcile the guilt and believe that his motives were good, when his actions were the actions of a bad person. It’s the same as Reiner’s crying and begging after years of guilt and failure to reconcile his acitons with who he is. Eren can’t understand why he did what he did, he just knows he did it, and he can’t accept responsibility for any of it. So that’s why Eren throws the choice away. 

Eren can’t understand his father’s words, because in the end, being born, living his life, growing up, falling in love, making friends, losing some of those friends, growing older, getting weaker, all of those things are things Eren doesn’t want to do. Eren begins his life with “You were born into this world, you’re free to live hwoever you want” and ends his life wishing he was never born, and that’s the utlimate tragedy of his character arc. Not that it was inevitable he would eventually do these things, but beause it wasn’t and Eren chose to do them anyway instead of choosing literally anything else. Therefore, despite claiming Mikasa and Armin as the reason behind all of his actions, they weren’t, because he was inacapable of making the simple choice to be with them and grow up with them which is all they ever wanted from him. 

[marauderundercover]

Taking Chances Chapter 3: Happy Little Accidents (Identities)

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AO3

@maribat-bdbwm

Marinette stared at the man in front of her, trying not to let her jaw drop. Sure she’d seen pictures of Bruce Wayne last night, Adrien made sure she was well educated on the man’s less than ideal fashion choices. But his choice of a sharp suit or his eyes that too closely matched hers weren’t why her jaw dropped. No, her jaw dropped because-

“Batman!” She says, in a wonderful moment of word association added to the man’s height and build. Mr. Wayne’s eyebrow quirks up and Marinette’s face instantly turns bright red as she hears the snickers of her classmates around her. Marinette immediately wishes that they would have left her and gone back to the bus without her, but no such luck. Instead they got to see her embarrass herself in front of her bio dad for the first time. Not that they knew that, but still. It was the principle of the thing. 

“I-” Mr. Wayne starts, but she cuts him off. 

“Oh, no, oh my god, I’m- no, I’m so, so sorry. I just, you’re- and you- and well yesterday, um, so I just, you seemed really familiar and I saw Batman yesterday so I said it and I shouldn't have and I'm so sorry I'm just freaking out cause my bi- ohhhhh….I mean-” Marinette rambles on, her blush darkening as she tries and fails to let out a coherent sentence in front of the man. She’s mercifully saved by the sharp blare of an akuma alert, the phones of every one of her classmates blaring at the same time. Mr. Wayne and the other employees in the lobby of Wayne Enterprises look confused, but Marinette is relieved. 

“What-” Mr. Wayne tries to ask, but is cut off yet again. 

“Oh well that’s not good gotta go call Paris-bye!” She yells, rushing away from the group and towards the bathrooms. She groans at the look Kaalki give her when she opens her purse. 

“That was a disaster.” They say simply with an unamused face. Marinette groans again. 

“Please don’t remind me. Tikki, spots on! Tikki, Kaalki, unify!” Marinette yells before calling a portal and falling into Paris, the awkward situation pushed to the back of her mind while she pours her focus into her Ladybug duties. 

---

Bruce Wayne was confused. And worried. But mostly confused. Or, the confusion overweighed the worry until he asked about the alarm on the French class’ phones. That’s when the worry began to take center stage. A supervillian? In Paris? For almost two years? Why was the League not informed? 

“Um, would you like to watch the battle, Monsieur Wayne?” A blonde boy asks, holding his phone out and rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous fashion. Bruce studies the boy for a moment and recognizes him as the one who hugged Miss Dupain Cheng the day prior. His daughter. Who is currently living in a city with a supervillain and no League intervention. Nodding, Bruce takes the phone and watches the battle, his horror growing. There was one hero, rushing around the scene, one of her pigtails singed and soot covering her face. What the hell kind of villain was this? And why did the hero look so small? Bruce flinches as the hero, Ladybug the comments called her, is thrown against a building roughly. He waits with baited breath until she stands back up, her face set in a grimace before she went on the offense with a vengenace. 

“Who is this villain? I’ve never heard of them?” Bruce asks Adrien, not bothering to look away from the fight. 

“I don’t know this one’s name, Akumas all have different names and powers.” Adrien replies. Bruce’ gaze snaps up to meet Adrien’s as his blood runs cold. All. As in, multiple. 

“How many villains?” He asks, thankful that his newly discovered daughter is currently in Gotham instead of Paris, a sentiment he never expected with the crime rates of his beloved city. 

“Oh, there’s only one villain. Hawkmoth. Akumas are just people who’ve had a bad day.” Adrien explains as if it’s a simple concept. 

“And what does that mean?” Bruce asks, feeling frustration creep into his neutral posture. 

“It means that what you’re seeing right now is a normal citizen who’s being controlled. Hawkmoth…. He has the power to control anyone who shows an extreme negative emotion. Heartbreak, anger, sadness, lonelines, anything negative can be used against you. We, Paris that is, don’t blame those who were akumatized. They can’t even remember what they did when they were under his control. It wouldn’t be fair to hold them accountable.” Adrien explains, and Bruce can’t help the feeling of complete and total helplessness that rushes over him. If he went to Paris, even with the intention of helping the hero in order to protect his daughter, he could become an even bigger obstacle. He could hurt her. He could hurt others. 

“Is that why the Justice League isn’t there?” Bruce asks, slightly amused at Adrien’s face rapidly changing from understanding to shocked. 

“I-um, probably? If you want more information, miraculousparis.org or the Ladyblog would be your best places for information.” Adrien offers. Bruce nods, mentally making a note to check out those sites later. 

“Very well. Thank you. I hope the rest of your trip to Gotham is enjoyable.” Bruce says, careful not to slip into a threatening tone. The boy hadn’t done anything to him, and while he might want to play the protective father, he knew it wasn’t his right. Not yet, anyways. Now he had a supervillain to destroy from behind the scenes. 

---

Opening a portal into her hotel room, Marinette sighs tiredly. The battle had been tiring, especially since she was on her own. Chat Noir had some kind of trip that he couldn’t get out of and had aplogized endlessly for it. She had reassured him that she could do it, but now… she knew she could do it but she really missed her partner. Letting both transformations drop, she sighs, relieved that the odd number of girls in their class allowed her to have her own room. Until a gasp filled her ears. She instantly shifts into a fighting position, shoulders tense as she stares at-

“Adrien?!” She yells in shock and confusion. What was he doing? In her hotel room? Without her? How did he even get a key? How was she supposed to explain this? Well, he did know the basics from his time as Aspik but-

“But you’re Multimouse!” Adrien yells before clapping his hand over his mouth, his cheeks instantly turning red. Marinette’s eyes widen. 

“How do you know about that?” She asks, panic rushing through her system. 

“Oh my god.” Adrien says, his eyes widening as he glances from Marinette to Tikki and back again. “Oh my god.”

“Please don’t tell anyone! I know you don’t owe me anything, but I just really don’t know if I can handle being the center of attention and then my family would be in danger and I know they wouldn’t approve because it’s dangerous and I-”

“THE TWO GIRLS I HAVE A CRUSH ON ARE THE SAME GIRL?” Adrien says, his eyes wide as he cuts off her rambling. 

“I- wait what?” Marinette sputters, completely shocked at this turn of events. 

“Well I’ve had a crush on Ladybug for forever and then like a month ago, I was talking to Plagg about how mad it made me that people weren’t listening to you and how hurt you were by the whole high road advice which was, honestly, not my best moment. And somehow, I started ranting about how pretty your eyes are and how kind and amazing you are and so then Plagg told me that that’s a crush, and I thought he was wrong. Until I saw you the next day and realized that he was right but then I felt bad because I felt like I was betraying Ladybug by having a crush on you instead, but Ladybug is you. Which makes sense, now that I think about it and-” Adrien’s cut off by Marinette covering his mouth with her hand, desperate to get him to stop talking. 

“Plagg?” She asks, jumping back from him as the Kwami flies out from Adrien’s pocket. 

“Good job kid, you broke pigtails.” He says, gesturing at Marinette who suddenly felt like the human version of the windows error screen. Could this trip get any weirder?

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