#GOD MY BACK'S GONNA HATE ME im never gaming this hard ever again

[petorahs]

environmental storytelling.

[angstflavoured]

You have any fic recommendations? Any fandom really lol. You have good takes and interpretation so I feel like you’d have some fire recs

AWH WELL THANK YOU !! I dont actually know how great the ones I read are gonna be since usually the fandoms Im in are scarce on content 💀 but ill go ahead and list a bunch of the ones I really like. I definitely spend way too much of my time reading one shots. REALLY wanna get back into longer fics, but its hard to find ones I care enough to sit down and dedicate time to these days 💔

Smiling Friends

bittersuite, charlie/pim: AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED !!!!! THIS FIC CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER !!!!! It is hurt/no comfort, but its soooo good it hurts so good and also there is supposed to be more eventually so i'd get on this one first bc when the second one drops its gonna be a day in history

Dimples, charlie/pim: I just read this last night and was so pleasantly surprised ☹️ Its so damn cute and I love how it delves more into both of their characters.

Portal 2

interface, chell/wheatley: HANDS down, best portal 2 one shot out there. the way the characterize chell is fucking insane, altered my brain chemistry forever. also wheatley is so hehehheheheh

You Do It, adventure/fact: I have a very love/hate relationship with this author..... Im not the BIGGEST fan of how they characterize them, esp Fact, but its definitely the most decent factventure content out there. I so like this one quite a bit, though their ideas are definitely better in theory than completely in practice. That's how I feel abt a lot of their works, but this person unironically holds the title for like 90% of the factventure content. If you just want some quick cute smut of them, i'd say you should check out their acc, cus I get the factventure fandom is starving LMAOO

I've got the fuse if you've got the light, adventure core/reader: ....erm, very self indulgent for me hehe!!! i was so fucking excited when this dropped

Half-Life/HLVRAI

Autonomous Sweet Mesa Response, benrey/gordon: THIS FIC IS SOOO FUCKING FIREEEEE !!! OH MY GOD, I can't even count the times I've read this one. their dialogue is as good as it comes next to canon. If you like this one, this is the first in a huge series and litearlly all of them are just as good as the first. such a good sit down and binge author. They also have a shit ton of other good hlvrai stuff on their page and they make fire art

If You Asked Me To, benrey/gordon: the way they wrote the sex scene in this changed my brain forever, it was so fucking awesome.... frenrey dynamic makes me WILD

Whispers and Moans, barney/gordon: this whole author has a lot of super cute freehoun :'[ this one deals with them before the resonance cascade AND after and shows how things changed between them and its so precious grrraah

Promise, barney/gordon: again, deals with the timeskip stuff which just always makes my heart hurt... also shower sex smiles

It’s Only Natural, barney/gordon: I DIDNT REALIZE THIS FIC JUST GOT FINISHED THIS YEAR OH MY GODDDD I WAS OBSESSED WITH THIS need to reread this immediately

Team Fortress 2

He's a Rebel, sniper/spy: SUPER fucking cheesy and corny but oh my god its like one of my fav fics ever..... it's just so much fun, like stereotypical fanfic and that's always a good time to me. biker gang member/school teacher au are you fucking kidding me i'll vomit

It IS the Size That Matters, sniper/spy: erm.... BLOWJOBS!! always find myself coming back to this one sorry i really like it hehe

Secure, demo/solider: Not a lot of fics of these guys, which really sucks!! super underrated ship. I liked this one a lot tho, its pretty cute and a little emotional

Something to Rely On, sniper/spy: casual sex but really sniper is in love will forever be my favourite thing ever, it never gets old istg

The Silent Game, sniper/spy: can you tell I really like sniperspy, MORE BLOWJOBS!!!

Disco Elysium

The Collision in Cardiozone HQ, harry/kim: holy. fucking. shit. actually life changing i am not joking. so fucking heartbreaking, it left me hollowed out for like a WEEK after the ending. A longer one for sure, but SO worth it like oh my god

The Catacomb Killer, harry/kim: I don't think I ever fully finished this one, but I remember REALLY liking the whole case the fic was set around. there was so much thought put into it, it was genuinely interesting like a murder mystery show

Retour à nouveau, harry/kim: I did really like the whole plot and buildup in this one, but from what I remember, them getting together was super anticlimatic :P i recall being disappointed, but the whole actual case and their interactions during the fic are super cute

Mortal Kombat 1

the game of idiocy, johnny/kenshi: BY THE SAME AUTHOR AS BITTERSUITE!! this one is sooo fucking cute, the way they write them interacting is so much fun. a little troupey and on the cheesier side, but cmon who doesn't love that

Undertale

Flowey is Not a Good Life Coach: no ships but delves a lot into flowey and papyrus relationship and there's so much good sans development too. SUPER GENERIC, it IS one of the most liked fics, but I remember reading it back when I was a teenager and it blew my fucking mind. ghhghggh i love the way they write the brothers interacting so much

The Party Incident and Other Embarrassing Anecdotes, sans/reader: uhmm.... soo sorry, this fic will forever hold a special little place in my heart. I'm sure if I read it now it would be SO corny cus oh my god it was fucking 2016 like are you kidding, but I'm just a fucking sucker for fake dating. there like 5000000 troupes in this one and theyre all so cute and its just a fun and silly time. it subconsciously inspires so much of my writing in fics. will probably forever be unfinished before they get together though HAHAH so definitely do not read if you're looking for a solid ending. its just about the journey i swear

[maukiki1-but-cringefail]

i swear to fucking god im not a hater but if i see another fucking badly-made thumbnail boring neurotypical straight guy with lame monotone voice talking over buncha mfb clips video of the worst metal fight beyblade takes ive ever seen with the unfunniest jokes im gonna rearrange the DNA sequence of the closest person to me to that of a Doto greenamyeri nudibranch because i swear to god just shut the fuck up.

how the fuck do you meatheads base how much you like a character over powerscaling and win ratio. would you prefer a wild bear over your own mother because the bear is stronger than her? thats how you fuckin sound like. i gotta rant this shit out because i had enough if i hear another fucking "ryūga da goat🥶🐐" "beyblade really is that serious🤣" "This show is so acoustic😵" "did you know that moses split the sea with a be-" WE FUCKING KNOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS AT THIS POINT. ALSO IF YOU DEADASS USE AUTISM AS AN INSULT LET ALONE USE THE WORD ACOUSTIC OR ARTISTIC FOR IT STAY 7 KILOMETERS AWAY FROM ME AND ALSO DONT WATCH METAL FIGHT BEYBLADE EVERYONE IS GAY AND AUTISTIC YOU KNOW WHY⁉️ which cishet neurotypical out there makin spinning tops fight with neon green or blue whateverthefuck hair half the cast looks like they been hiding in closet before their debut episode.

PRIME example of these bad takes is , because of powerscaling again the hate on masamune ? i thought people hated him because they thought he was annoying (like how i did when i first watched it when i was little) (FOUR YRS OLD) and like id get that as in he talks alot or whatever but people hate him because. fucking. "he has a low win ratio and claims to be the number one blader" BITCH THATS A 15 YR OLD. or like around that age somewhere you get the point. so what if the taco doritos colour palette guy a little confident in himself bitch you hate fun you hate sillyness. people also use him as like a tool to praise kenta? constantly i see takes like "kenta is like masamune if masamune didnt suck" or something as in they both try to rise to the top and get stronger but one of them doesnt talk shit like did you know you can praise a character without putting down the other one motherfucker. another one is "masamune isnt a legendary blader because he talks shit but cant actually back it up" Hey my brother in Allah lets play a little game. which one of the fucking legendary bladers talks big about himself. you have ten seconds. 10...9...8....KING. KING IS RIGHT THERE .

also saw someone say damian shouldve been a legendary blader⁉️⁉️mf that boy was on rearrangement stereoids the effects of that wouldve already worn off by the time of metal fury how does that even WORKK😭😭 he was probably off with 3 big fucking pet dogs to eat custard pudding or sumn idk .Ryūga dickriding has been a thing for for ever but right now for some reason people decided they didnt talk about that guy enough. theres so many videos on him guys there are other characters to talk about i can write a three billion word essay on damian but i dont think i can say anything about ryūga that hasnt been said at this point. also the people who claim hes alive BECAUSE hes alive in the manga is crazy like yall cant see those as two different universes? im not saying wether if i think hes alive or not this isnt about that dont miss the point. i wanted to make text posts about mfb for forever but i was embarrased for god knows why so i just posted my mfb fanart on my main but i cant take it anymore (eatina burger with no honey mustard) must speak this time im afraid

also sorry if this is hard to read im not good at ending sentences where i should punctuation jumpscare. powerscaling mfs will hear u say u like a character like for example tsubasa or sumn and immediately bring up ryūga like shut the fuck up this shit happened on twitter i dont even use twitter i opened the app for 000.1 seconds. you just jelaous ryūga will never serve like did mf also im not a ryūga hater anyways i reached the character limit fuck

[allamericanb-tch]

crimson rivers thoughts (17)

@tastetherainbow290 this is so long sorry 😭😭 please forgive me for breaking into song several times the choir kid in me can’t help it

chapter 41

MARLENE NO

no way mcgonagall knew and just let this happen

THIS WAS DUMBLEDORES IDEA and just when i thought he couldn’t get worse 

voldy wanted to kill james regulus AND sirius? oh my

i know regulus and sirius both make it but. oh my.

god i hate dumbledore

ariana dumbledore reference??

black family reunion at the HUNGER GAMES ?!

yaxley and lestrange too?! 

alice 💔

EMMELINE NO

district 10 is gonna be like that one couple in catching fire the nerdy ones i can’t remember their names

i can’t remember if marlene has had a pov or not but i really hope she doesn’t die

genuinely i can’t remember how catching fire ends and i can’t ever watch the hunger games without thinking of crimson rivers again

“i hate him” take it back james you don’t mean that

dorcas making regulus look dangerous 

dorcas making sirius look plain

remus pov switch

🎶i know you get deja vu🎶

oh. he doesn’t know.

“it’s not fair” i am in shambles 

 chapter 42

aberforth pov jump scare

😧

why did dumbledore murder his lover ☹️

i am appreciating the sibling dynamic of albus and aberforth

emmeline

i feel so bad for dorcas rn

oh ok dorlene is dorlening again

hanky panky

oh marlene is kicking dorcas out now 

what is the ring for

lily!!!!!

oh a mission what is this about 

effie and monty?!

ok i love kingsley

i really want remus and lily to reunite

im scared for this mission

aberforth pov again

i like that their code words are their patronus

aberforth is in on it!! 

oh no what’s gonna happen to district 6

“she never killed anyone, until now” 😯

OH

MARY ?! 

😧

oh no effie

“Our boy's boy's boy.” this should not be as funny to me as it is but i’m glad to be laughing in the midst of all this

barty 

andromeda too

omg

aberforth what are you doing

oh! 

ted 💔

this was a hard chapter

i’m taking a break to rewatch the jegulus short film for the millionth time

chapter 43

please let this be lighter

“the hallows already know them, or they believe they do” this is giving me such. a feeling. idk the word 😭 but like yk how people idolize celebrities and think they know everything about them? like that

platonic moonwater <3

sirius and james are talking

remus leaping to go find sirius

they’re kissing ahhhh

"I love you more than the tides love the moon. I'm as temperamental as the ocean, and just the same, I'm at your mercy. Give me a ship, and I will wreck it at your command." 

hanky panky? hanky panky. 

spine realignment 😭😭

james stop you’re being mean

“He shuts the door gently, locks it, and goes to start a bath. At least there, when he cries, he can lie to himself about why.” 💔

why did i forget slughorn is in the phoenix

dorcas making a plan

lily!!!

effie is okay hooray

“I'm quite in love with Marlene McKinnon." DORLENE!!!!!! ❤️

SO THIS IS WHY SHE WANTS TO STEAL THE TRIBUTES ah love. how i love love. 

chapter 44

this chapter is literally called bad decisions. oh my. 

“brief depiction of violence (you'll probably like it, bc it's james being sexy)” 😭😭

“sirius and the other one” JAMES stop being so stubborn

yk im not even mad about james beating lucius with his cane

frank just “you can’t do that james”

then it just cuts to remus and sirius Hanky Panky 😭

pandora: james assaulted lucius 😧 sirius: haha nice

bellatrix is so bellatrix

regulus you traitor

🎶you betrayed me and i know that you’ll never feel sorry🎶

everyone just mocking sirius 😭

“Choose me. Pick me. Protect me." so pick me. choose me. love me.

“Reflexively, James smiles at him, lopsided and warm, because, for just a moment, he's living in a world where seeing Regulus fills him with joy, with delight, with love.” 

regulus here to fight?!

“i hate you so fucking much” and then they start kissing 😭 honestly so real

giggling my feet rn

A PARTING GIFT JAMES YOU DIDNT i wish you could’ve seen my face when i read this oh my god

sirius evaluation time

oh my regulus what

sirius what are you doing

oh? eat i guess 😭

why is regulus visiting lucius 

🎶i don’t smoke except for when im missing you🎶

they’re having dinner. hmm.

evan 💔

he got the lowest score 😭 shocking im shocked who would have guessed this

well.

chapter 45

cream cheese bagels!! (i’m tagging you in my mind runar)

of course james hates bagels now why is he so petty

🎶you know how scared i am of elevators never trusted them🎶

augusta always suspicious of frank and alice 😭

oh james and regulus are alone again

and they’re kissing

Hanky Panky in the elevator 😭

really just out here ruining all dorcas’ hard work

sirius knows exactly what they were doing

james “i don’t want to talk about it” potter

narcissa pulling the baby card?! ok peeta

quillkiller is quillkillering

“He's going to die never hearing Regulus say he loves him” ☹️ prove him wrong reggie

augusta you icon

sirius you menace

“my moon” ❤️‍🩹

regulus interview time

jegulus ☹️

yes regulus

REGULUS “IF IT WASNT FOR THE WEDDING” BLACK is everyone peeta in this chapter

me when i lie

i’m giving you an all tomato. which means you give me the whole tomato, or else. (please get the ref)

alphard ?!

omg were they lovers i’m so here for this

oh no marlene

GUNSHOTS?!

ew voldy booooo 🍅🍅🍅

SNIVELLUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE 

"There will be one winner. I do not care what it takes, but you will not allow it to be Sirius or Regulus Black, am I understood?" 😧

DONT KILL THE MCKINNONS?!

no no no please let james say goodbye to sirius and regulus 

chapter 46

remu ❤️‍🩹

“Whether it's me or him or both of us, James, you won't."  don’t hurt me in this way

god i’m gonna cry

SPINE REALIGNMENT sirius please 😭

regulus volunteering for james to spite sirius 😭

remus and regulus friendship ❤️‍🩹

the stapler 😭 lily 

"I'm not waiting around for you to be too late this time." ahhhh marlene

“No one or nothing can have it, because it belongs only to James” 🤭

parting gift mention 😧

why is this so sad omg i can’t handle any more angst

they’re kissing!

"I would have married you”

SIRIUS BIT REMUS 😭😭

so much hanky panky in this chapter 

wolfstar ❤️‍🩹

if this was anyone but remus and sirius it would give me the ick

they’re so cute i love them why do they have to say goodbye

🎶why do you have to say goodbye🎶if i say goodbye the nation learns to move on it outlives me when im gone🎶 

they’re not Just Friends anymore!!!

“always too late” ☹️

dorlene is so sad in this omg. but i guess everything is so sad in this 😭

dorcas cutting marlene’s hair

jegulus ☹️

“I do everything I do because I love you!" “So do I!" 😯

“It's the first time James speaks his name since telling him that he hated him.”

baby

this physically pains my heart to read. i just want them to be happy. 

"Would you marry me?" jegulus getting engaged?! 

i don’t think im gonna read another chapter today… since they’re going in the arena…

[piggyette]

i treat ask games like surveys this is make me admit stuff by lost-head-adventure or smth idk its deactiviated

Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

not including messages i consider too private to share on tumblr. yes

You talked to an ex today, correct?

nope.

Have you taken someones virginity?

no i dont think so. all of my partners have been more experienced than me

Is trust a big issue for you?

yes ): im working on it

Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

i like lots of people but as far as "crushes", no not recently. i should though

What are you excited for?

my partner system to get home from work. our next grocery run. autumn. my birthday next month

What happened tonight?

i posted about that today but, other than all that, i ate some pizza... honestly i should write or record or something tonight

Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no? wasted chicks are super funny

Is confidence cute?

confidence is hot yeah

What is the last beverage you had?

a monster. i should get water or something

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

none but i dont really talk to a lot of people. only the women in my family and i cant trust them. its not about being the opposite sex tho

Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

yes

What are you gonna do Saturday night?

its sunday rn but yesterday i cried so hard i gave myself a headache and listened to a new album

What are you going to spend money on next?

probably a new microphone or sushi

Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

yes

Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

yes? of course

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

my partner system, but specifically mar, rich, robin, and trent

The last time you felt broken?

today at like 7pm

Have you had sex today?

yeah lol <3

Are you starting to realize anything?

being 23 aint shit. i dont know fuckin anything.

Are you in a good mood?

its alright. could be better

Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

yeah theyre chill

Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

no thank gawd. otherwise id be the type of douchebag to go around calling my shit hazel.

What do you want right this second?

a haircut... jack... a punch to the jaw. (not sft text beyond this point to the end of the answer) to be dressed up in vinyl lingerie to match someone elses military gear and ride his dick while gagging on his fingers

What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

nothing. id end up in jail

Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

nah i recently dyed my roots again. its black but im a natural blonde

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

usually people who arent intentionally witty are unintentionally hilarious so thats hard to picture. but if our humor just isnt compatible i mean. maybe. probably not tho that speaks to a lot of other shit

What was the last thing that made you laugh?

@fuckin-pistol-whipped's replies

Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

yeah. sunset eyes, if this somehow gets back to you, im sorry i didnt give you a better warning. ill be back sooner than you know. it wont be months this time. i want to figure something out but i dont want to keep giving you half promises. soon, i dont know when. i love you. it means something, i swear.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

yeah id say so

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

sometimes <3

Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

oh yeah for sure. i think we're in a situationship. maybe we're dating? idk i cant rember. god i need to see him again soon. i should watch some videos or smth

Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

nah but i usually drink diet soda. if im buying it out at like a gas station or smth ill go full sugar cuz its just a one time thing but. i think i drink two diet cokes a day. i dont always finish em

Listening to?

+ shuffle queue

Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

yeah but i prefer pen tbh. i keep like two hand notebooks a pencil and a pen on me at all times

Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

probably at his house with his cats. or with his band

Do you believe in love at first sight?

i believe in instant chemistry but love is kinda something u collaborate on. its like a living thing. ive recently figured out that two people can be in love and still wanna maim each other a little bit from time to time

Who did you last call?

@fadenkreuze but thats like a given. it was @antichristxsuperstar in front

Who was the last person you danced with?

my cat. it counts, in my book

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

we were having sex and i guess my mouth just looked that good hanging open and drooling

When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

i dont think its been a year but. it was probably springtime i wanna say-- no, late winter. valentines day cupcakes. mini ones.

Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

nah im not a hugger. he knows i like him ok tho

Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

i dont believe in embarassment. but yea sometimes i make a fool of myself. usually it makes em giggle and then its fine <3

Do you tan in the nude?

i do a lot of things in the nude but i dont tan. im goth so

If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

i dont remember it

Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

yes actually it was rich. hey rich

Who was the last person to call you?

Do you sing in the shower?

yes sometimes but i sing all the time

Do you dance in the car?

Ever used a bow and arrow?

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

Do you think musicals are cheesy?

no theyre an art form. i think A musical can be cheesy but not all of em. having said that ive never been a huge theater person but ill watch a bootleg every now and then

Is Christmas stressful?

it doesnt have to be but some people make it stressful. its lonely tbh

Ever eat a pierogi?

yep. theyre p good

Favorite type of fruit pie?

peach

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

equestrian, veternarian, rockstar.

Do you believe in ghosts?

"do you believe in barometric pressure" "do you believe in wool fibers" "do you believe in the oxidation of metals"

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

all the time

Take a vitamin daily?

Wear slippers?

yes and i encourage others to do so as well

Wear a bath robe?

nope too warm and humid where i am

What do you wear to bed?

the buff

First concert?

it was a festival for nu metal bands in like 2008 or something. metalfest i think it was? or something close to that name. i dont remember all the acts that played but mudvayne was there i know for sure

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

in my town theres only a walmart but i prefer target

Nike or Adidas?

Cheetos Or Fritos?

fritos are more versatile. remind me of chilis and soups

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Favorite Taylor Swift song?

Ever take dance lessons?

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

yeah. professional cocksucker

Can you curl your tongue?

some people cant do that?

Ever won a spelling bee?

this is a traumatizing memory for me i refuse to elaborate

Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

yes often. usually during sex

What is your favorite book?

i hate these questions cuz then i forget every single book ive ever read. idk ill say the most recent book i read. the long hard road out of hell by marilyn manson

Do you study better with or without music?

with but it has to be instrumental or so loud its mind numbing owwww speaking of my ear fuckin hurts fuck you billy corgan

Regularly burn incense?

not anymore

Ever been in love?

Who would you like to see in concert?

obvious answers are like. mm. nin. slipknot (but like in 2002 or smth).

What was the last concert you saw?

in person? i dont even remember. its been over a decade

Hot tea or cold tea?

cold tea always preferable

Tea or coffee?

coffee. also cold

Favorite type of cookie?

sugar cookie or chocolate chip

Can you swim well?

nah

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

yes??

Are you patient?

extraordinarily

DJ or band, at a wedding?

either or. both? both

Ever won a contest?

nope

Ever have plastic surgery?

nah

Which are better black or green olives?

ew

Opinions on sex before marriage?

theres another type of sex?

Best room for a fireplace?

the den

Do you want to get married?

yes

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde

Act 6, page 5398

DAVE: whats up with the fish punk troll following kanaya around

ROSE: Seems she's passing through. Kanaya doesn't want her to cause trouble.

DAVE: cause trouble

DAVE: what the fuck could she even do here

DAVE: like kick over an old pile of garbage and cause the property value to fall even lower than jack shit

DAVE: i say let her go nuts

ROSE: Feel free to take it up with Kanaya.

ROSE: But if you authorize her to flip a bitch, just make sure she's nowhere near my chemistry table.

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: cant be droppin your vials and shit all over the floor

DAVE: the only one whos got clearance to drop science is me

ROSE: Dork.

DAVE: dont even hate

DAVE: been shoring up my muthafuckin CRAFT over here

ROSE: I know. I've been in the same room, right over there, listening to you mumble lyrics to yourself for the last couple hours.

DAVE: rose you know what sucks

ROSE: Yes.

ROSE: To which sucky thing are you referring?

DAVE: it kinda just occurred to me

DAVE: while i was spitting ill verse to no end

DAVE: i got this weird feeling that i might be getting like

DAVE: a little dated?

ROSE: Is this about Terezi?

DAVE: what

DAVE: no no

DAVE: dont be disingenuous word girl you know what im saying

DAVE: i mean sorta passe

DAVE: like a lumbering pop reference dinosaur

DAVE: remember we are both kind of stuck in 2009

DAVE: so im like popculturally frozen in that period

DAVE: all my references feel like they might be getting a little stale

DAVE: even though the earth ended and all and there was no culture after that point anyway

DAVE: but still

DAVE: i can feel it

DAVE: like in my bones

DAVE: i just know on some hypothetical earth that kept going my shit is starting to get so lame

DAVE: and i know it doesnt matter because its just us here so who cares

DAVE: but i care

DAVE: its a matter of integrity i am a fucking artist

DAVE: like i think if i make one more rap about like some fucking dane cook movie from 2008 to piss karkat off or some tired bullshit like that im going to

DAVE: i dont know

DAVE: ill just start feeling like a fraud

DAVE: my game might be drying up rose

DAVE: but its not my fault like im totally hostage to this freezedried backlog of cultural garbage that can never move forward again

DAVE: so i have to pick through it like im looting a fucking tomb while still all tryin to act RAP SASSY

DAVE: like YEAH take THAT motherfuckers

DAVE: OF THE PAST

DAVE: all in your mass graves somewhere in a dead frogiverse

DAVE: i be representing some god damn STANDARDS about your media do you feel me

DAVE: im depressing myself here

DAVE: all im saying is it would be cool to have some fresh shit to work with

DAVE: like just to know

DAVE: to know what the world would be like in the year it would be for us now

DAVE: which would be 2011 i guess

DAVE: wow 2011 really

DAVE: damn

DAVE: i just want to know what would have happened

DAVE: theres so much shit we were primed for

DAVE: it was gonna be exciting

DAVE: like barack obama just turned president remember that

DAVE: we never got to see if he fixed the economy

DAVE: remember how you were dying to see if he would fix the economy you were asking me about it every damn day

DAVE: just joking nobody gave a shit about that

DAVE: but like

DAVE: i never got to check out the next batch of stiller jams and see how bad i could mock them

DAVE: we never got to find out how the midnight crew adventure ended

DAVE: if ever

DAVE: rose

DAVE: ROSE??

DAVE: what the fuck man

DAVE: whyd you go back to your bottles and shit i was right in the thick of hella elocution

DAVE: dont give me that

DAVE: yes

DAVE: uh yeah

DAVE: yes i do ACTUALLY want you to come back over here

DAVE: im waiting

ROSE: Fine. Here I am.

DAVE: wow was that so hard

DAVE: this is what civilized people do rose they fucking talk to each other like actually in each others fucking vicinities

ROSE: You just have a tendency to go on for a while. I assumed we progressed to the traditional mumbling monologue stage of Striderian discourse.

DAVE: no thats not even a thing

DAVE: i was actually like

DAVE: trying to get your take

ROSE: Take on what.

DAVE: i dont even know

DAVE: i bet john would have stuff to say

DAVE: hes probably going through the same frozen fucking caveman from 2009 syndrome as me

DAVE: actually what am i saying the dude is a caveman from 1997

DAVE: hahaha like he could give a shit as long as hes got his cage dvds

ROSE: Oh! I saw him the other night.

DAVE: what

ROSE: In a dream. It was very brief, only a few minutes. I waved to him and then woke up.

DAVE: whoa what was he doing

ROSE: He was fighting Jack. Actually, he was doing quite well!

DAVE: oh man

DAVE: you have to tell me all about this

ROSE: I will. Later, though. I'd like to get back to work.

DAVE: ok when

DAVE: tonight?

ROSE: I have plans tonight. How about tomorrow.

DAVE: plans

DAVE: what plans

ROSE: Just some plans.

DAVE: can i come

ROSE: No!

DAVE: fuck fine

DAVE: tomorrow then

DAVE: maybe ill just dream up my own john tonight and well have an awesome time without you what do you think about that

ROSE: ...

DAVE: fu

[somethingentirely]

I was trying so hard

To be happy

Or to pretend to be happy for once

And you couldn’t be happy for me

you needed me to bleed

It feels like you hated me

You never had any time for me

And I really needed you to be

Someone I could trust

Someone who was there for me

I needed you to be there for me

I don’t want to escape through lyrics

I want to look past the curtain

On the stage

I used to hide in

At church

A kind of game we used to play

did we ever go to church

Do you believe in god

I feel lost

Sometimes I think about god

And sometimes it makes me sick

I start to see things that aren’t there

Desperate for a sign

Or something

Or anything

That tells me how I’m supposed to live

Now that you’re not there

Now that nothing is there

I keep telling myself I don’t care

But I do

Goddamnit, I do

I care about you

Or I cared about you

Which one is the truth

Is the curtain pulled back

Or am I chasing the ghost of you

And were you just pretending to care?

Did I matter at all to you

Or just that much to you

Did I matter to you

Did I ever once matter to you?

Because I cared about all of you

Because i wish i mattered to you

One second- I’m sorry

I bought a cat named Ava from the loneliness

I Figured

Well shit, I need someone to love me

And it’s not gonna be you

And it’s not gonna be me

Because, you don’t love me

And if you don’t love me

Then nothing will

and definitely not me,

so it has to be somebody

What were we talking about again?

She’s purring

Sometimes i wonder if she can understand what im feeling

Because even if nobody does

At least she tries

Because I’m crying

And she’s purring

And it means the world to me

And I am a truly broken being.

So i wonder what Peter is doing

And I wonder

If he cares

Or is just pretending to care

If i shared anything would he understand me?

What would be the point of telling him?

Of talking?

We’re on completely separate planets

10 feet apart.

And I know he loves me

but then again

We’re on completely separate planets

And I don’t want anyone to feel the kind of pain

I’m experiencing

I don’t want him to feel the pain

I’ve experienced

He’s experienced too much pain already

AND I WAS TRYING TO BE HAPPY

Or pretend to be happy

And you couldn’t be happy for me

And he just wants me to be happy

but you needed me to bleed

And I wish you would at least give me an APOLOGY.

Don’t tell me that i am not deserving

Of an apology

That you really cared that little about me

That the whole time you were just pretending to care

Because I have given you an APOLOGY

to show you that I CARED.

GODDAMNIT

I cared about you

I do,

Goddamnit

I do

Trying to live is hard

Coming out of my shell is hard

Being outside is hard

Being alive is hard

WAKING UP is hard

I am afraid to go anywhere without Peter

Because I’m so sure

That there is nothing else justifying me being alive

And I struggle with eating

I struggle with weight

I struggle with everything

I used to be sicker than this

I’m not really that sick

god you make me sick

You make me feel like this

You made me feel like this

And I can’t live like this

I can’t breathe

I am a Van Gogh painting

There are dogs barking

I am safe I am in bed there are dogs barking and Ava is breathing as she sleeps

These are grounding techniques

And I am still learning to breathe

Pausing frequently

PTSD

Post traumatic stress disorder

I was not living

Not with their hands around me

Extinguishing

Everything

There are vines on the ceiling

And I am counting the leaves

There are exactly

four hundred and sixty three

These are grounding techniques

And I am still learning to breathe

My heart is all black

And like a moth

I am attracted to people with light

Peter is sleeping on the couch tonight

10 feet apart

Separate planets

But I don’t want anyone to try and come over

Or build any rocket ships

he used to try to come over

I used to try to come over

but we crashed so bad

So if he tries to come over

He’s gonna crash

He doesn’t have it easy exactly

Was that you or me

Who’s listening

Nobody

Nobody?

You

Stop hiding

looking for signs where there’s nothing

Trying to hold onto something

jesus

Take it easy

I can’t take it easy

I would if I could

Taking thoughts

Seeing where they lead me

The string keeps unraveling

I am enjoying the unraveling

Writing about unraveling

writing about the journey

Where will this take me

There’s gonna be something

There’s gotta be something

something that says the pain

Wasn’t for nothing

So damnit

I am going to keep writing.

and I am going to keep trying

Even if it hurts

And even if it kills me

I am going to keep trying

To be happy

I

Have been trying so hard

To be happy

And you couldn’t be happy for me

And this is where I would put my ending

I’ve been reading over everything to make sure it’s complete

That I said everything

And what if I got your apology?

what causes the bite?

20/20 in hindsight

Do I need your forgiveness to be happy?

Do I really need you to be happy?

If you never forgave me again

Never said you were sorry

Because I gave you an apology

Did you mean it?

Were you sorry?

Sorry? It’s a little bit more than stress

And regret

We were best friends

We were supposed to be best friends

If you died

I would never forget you

I would still hold you in my heart until the sky collapses and the earth bends from the last days of the lights end

You were the sun

Even if I got Alzheimer’s

Even if I got dementia

Or Amnesia

I would still remember you

Your memory will always live on

Which sucks, because I haven’t always been the greatest person

Hence why I tend to avoid churches

We both know I’ve got sins

But I never wanted to be perfect or holy

Just wanted to be human and dirty

And have that be okay

We both know I’m not the greatest person

But I really wanted to be at the end and

You just hated me for it

I think

and I’m sorry

I wasn’t there for you when you needed me

I need more weed

I know you’ll never reach out to me

not after I lost my mind like that

So I got a cat

Cause I needed someone to love me

And it’s not gonna be you

And it’s not gonna be me

I prefer to imagine people love me

The same way I think about suicide

Like it could happen, not really

because what happens after is too scary

What happens after death?

Hell, what happens when you stop loving me?

I don’t want you to love me

Touch me

don’t touch me

please don’t fucking touch me

Because if I were to love you

It would absolutely be the death of me

So I stay on a planet

10 feet apart

You used to say “you lived in a box”

I’m not even inside a box

I’m lost

It’s been real bad, man

so anyways

Ava’s here

And she bit my left hand today

Pointer finger

But she’s still here

And I’m still here

I mean, she opened the door. (Which she?)

but you’re the one who keeps closing it

Trust

Is earned

[okthatsgreat]

hi lee!!!!!!!! ❤️✂️🍎💀🍩🧠 for any oc yyou want to talk about YAYYY! :D

YAYYYYYYY HIIII LILY :333 IM GONNA USE SAE FOR THIS ONE I THINK !!!!!!!!!!!!!

oc ask game!

❤️ - what is one of your oc’s best memories?

URMMMMMMM. a lot of sae's best memories are really tame i think bhgfdghdfj just moments where she could sit back and say Yeah. I am Completely Happy :) BUT the BEST one i think is one she recounts a lot just bc she reallyyy felt like she had found peace. the fishing village near her afi's home holds a yearly festival for fisherman's day that she LOVEESSSS. and IF MY TIMELINE IS CORRECT she got an award i believe in 2012 (??) for her achievements and contribution to her community . and when the festival was over she got to have a long chat with her afi up on a mountain top overlooking the ocean and she holds that conversation very dear to her heart :]

✂️ - what is one of your oc’s worst memories?

(forgive me for being vague theres still a lot to be revealed in the rp hgdfjkggfdsjk!!) shes got a few but the WORST one she remembers suppperrrrr vividly just because everything seemed to happen all at once, the town she was living in was going through one of the WORST thunderstorms it had ever had, and she was seconds away from doing something SO rash . GOD awful day for a thirteen year old to have. BUT it was the catalyst for some major changes in her life, so while she would never go back and do that all over again sae can at least acknowledge that it switched what direction her life took DRASTICALLY. it led her to where she is today but that definitely doesnt mean she looks back at it with any sort of fondness gbhdgbsdf

🍎 - what is the oc's relationship w/their parents like?

her afi and amma were her legal guardians for the majority of her teenage years! and anybody within a five mile radius knows that she LOVES those guys. she takes so much influence from her afi particularly and holds him on a very high pedestal of how she should be behaving and what traits she should portray, just because he is an incredibly patient and wise man. her late amma also influenced her a LOT in terms of hard-work and dedication to others, and when she passed it only caused sae to work even harder to support her afi. not to mention sae truly considers her afi to have saved her life which means she feels she owes a LOT to him ghfdjkg

she doesnt speak with her parents!

💀 - does your oc have any phobias?

she isnt DEATHLY afraid of anything but she gets concerned over superstitious things that arent necessarily a problem to other people lmaooo. like for instance she does NOT fuck with bananas because they are considered terrible luck on boats. she rarely sails on thursdays, took the lucky charms off of her fishing hat and placed it around her waist just so the hat won't fly overboard again, never renames a boat, etc. ALL because she doesnt want to invite bad luck on her ship fghsjd

she's also really not a fan of loud noises!! thunderstorms have a tendency to freak her out but it really depends on the day honestly. catch her in a good mood and she can manoeuvre a boat through them easy peasy, catch her in a bad mood and she'll just sort of stare at the floor unmoving for a bit

🍩 - who is your oc's arch-nemesis or rival?

LMAO sae would never admit out loud that she hates anybody enough to consider them an arch-nemesis or rival. ESPECIALLY pre killing game. now does she dislike people? for sure. is this killing game definitely taking a lot of her pent up resentment and making it ten times worse? definitely

🧠 - what do you like most about the oc?

guy that tried so hard to escape the cycle that she is slowly turning into the very thing she was attempting to run from 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 she is NOTTT breaking the loop

[udon-udon]

2022 recap

Let’s see... 2022 was a pretty wild ride, not gonna lie

Shall we start from the beginning? Hmmmm the beginning of 2022..... SheEEEESH. It was my last semester of my final year for my bachelor’s degree in graphic design for marketing (wait, I have a bachelors? LMAOOOO I forget that I have one now holy cow wait a sec). I also remember being very very stressed out about my 3 week practicum I had to do in Feb. Alongside that were a ton of projects like portfolio making, final projects for said portfolio, the grad show etc etc. It was VERY busy and stressful. Luckily, the practicum went on without a hitch, and school projects were done with, and one of the bigger projects was well received so YAY!! And then of course, graduation rolled around in April, and I finally made it!! And then I got hired right after graduation which im still super thankful for cause I got hella lucky, really. 

So work started in around late May/early June and it took a while to get used to things. I’ve never worked full time at an office before so there were many things I had to learn and stuff, but other than that I’m just glad I’m able to deliver the things I’m tasked to do, and they seem like they like me, so :’) Of course I still have my moments where I feel like I’m not cut out for the job or I think I’m doing horribly and for some reason think they’re going to fire me any time soon LOOL...  but anywho... I started a deskmat project (which is still delayed unfortunately, i don’t want to talk about it...) but hoping that can get picked back up sometime soon... I was also rushing on new prints as well for con season so that was pretty wild. 

Summer then came and WHEW. I got covid. Luckily it just felt like a regular cold, so I might have gotten a weaker strain of it. It was quite scary though since I live with family and I was afraid of spreading it to them (of course I ended up doing so cause we share the same bathroom, but they survived) Aside from that, I tabled for the first time in 3 years! AND I DID GREAT! I really missed tabling and honestly it might have been because of the turnout at the events but damn I did better than I’ve ever did, which is crazy. It really makes me want to get better and table more, but it do be pretty exhausting. Anyway, the summer was great imo, but jesus the fall took a nosedive.

September was alright, and for the second time, I didn’t have to worry about going back to school anymore which was kind of surreal again. I was finishing up the art commissions that I paused to work on the anime convention prints. I finished those up so I can focus on the Yuri Game Jam 2022 in Oct-Nov but little did I know.............. I would not be able to make it v n v. I underestimated the time management needed while working a 9-5 job and my lack of discipline... Also cause I didn’t have a clear vision of this year’s game which made me literally go in circles until I had no time left by the time I actually kind of had something down.... I became so stressed over the story that it branched out to other bad thoughts and I just spiraled really hard. Things that I said I would not let bother me had bothered me again and god I hated it so much. Why can’t I just... not think about those things. Hoping to stop those thoughts in 2023 though. So yeah I got really stressed so sadly I had to shelve the project and not release anything for this year’s game jam. I was very disappointed in myself, and it was a very tough decision to break my visual novel streak but I had to do what I had to do. After dropping the project I felt much much much much much better. Hoping to revisit the project again sometime though, now that I decided to release it whenever it’s ready (but will i have the proactiveness to go back to it? that is another story LOL)

So November was over with and December rolled around. December itself was stressful yet okay at the same time? Stressful in terms of spiraling at work again, but I also managed to just chill out and do whatever. And of course, the week-long break from work helped a ton (as I’m writing this thinking back I did absolutely nothing that week but that’s what I wanted most) Hopefully I’ll go back to work rejuvenated again cause I was clearly burnt out from work lmao. I should make use of my vacation days more man. Anyway since it was recent, I vividly remembering spiraling again over subject that shall not be mentioned, and I had no one to ground myself with so I had to try to ground myself somehow which I do try to do more so than rely on others. Luckily I recovered from the spiraling relatively quickly, so maybe it’s an improvement and if I ever encounter that subject again it’ll be an even faster recovery and soon it will be over? That’s what I’m hoping for 2023. Definitely a goal. Please let my 2023 self not let it bother me anymore please please please please (though i think i said that in 2022 no? hahaha) i jsut want to be loved v n v and not feel like my friends are leaving me one by one :’)))))))))))))))))))))))) 

ANYWAY Thank you for reading until the end. Ultimately, I want to worry less about subjects that make me go insane and just be happier. I’m a Bocchi that needs to find a close knit of supportive friends that can make me take another step in life :’)))))) LOOOOL And of course, I would like to draw more. Planning on opening art commissions in the new year some time soon so stay tuned. Hoping to table some more too! Though I don’t have much to sell hahahaha;;; Well then, until next year! 

[pwblogarchive]

November 2003

November 10, 2003

6:51 pm

“paris hilton sex tape”

it's so weird to be homeless. to throw the dirtiest pillow into the corner of rooms just to get by. i never write in here anymore. i don't really feel the need to anymore for some reason. words feel stuck behind my tongue and my hand. i feel ashamed of how words make me feel and sometimes i want to stay asleep forever.

maybe i'll stop by here again soon.

peter

November 13, 2003

“you feel first kiss good”

So. Portland. Thanks for the underground tunnels and sweet words. Couple of kids said they read this thing. Who wants to read about a kid who just complains and plays video games? You ever look in the mirror and say god I am so fucked up and that's okay. Thanks for taking the time to read this though I fear it maybe a waste of your eyesight. I'm doing guest reccomendations with roze harding over at absolutepunk.net this sunday, so go check it out. Then next week it'll be patrick. Then joe. You get the idea. Also I'm playing bass with less than jake during their encore. Maybe you'll see it. Who would have thought me in a ska band.

Portland has this system of underground tunnels called the shanghai tunnels. They go down from the river and port up to the basements of taverns and the local hoods used to sneak up them and kidnap people from bars, drug them and sell them to ships as sailors. They would wake up out at sea forced to work. How insane. Little bit of history. There is a good book on it by chuck palahuick. Read it. Hang out with us after shows.

'You'd think by now I would have died. I'm sorry girls I tried.'

peter

November 14, 2003

“we just played a show in vietnom during the 1970s amongst guerilla warfare tactics

it was sold out.”

things have been good. we're acutally in san frantastic right now. i was pretty upset the past few days, but today i feel a lot better. the shows have been awesome, so no complaining about that. less than jake is sound checking right now and i'm humming along.

oh yea, that baby picture to the right is me, im not sure if that was ever made clear.

November 14, 2003

“i used to compare myself but i don't care anymore”

downstairs at the warfield in SF. getting fed on tours is crazy, today we got fed twice. it means i can spend my per diems on things to fill the home i don't have. a modest mouse song is reminding me of you. ive got the ipod on shuffle but i can't mess with that kind of luck so i keep skipping to it. i think my band hates it. my mom reads this thing. its pretty rad cause i know someone back home cares and i was kind of always the "mom look at this" kinnd of kid. at the same time i figure i might have to censor it a bit, haha. california is gonna be rad, theres something about driving to the coast. i can see patrick and andy talking from here, i can't hear it. its so weird that i am paid to hang out with my friends. for the record it makes me smile when you copy the things i say, its almost cute.

the show was rad- mostly because a few kids were really esxcited to hang out and talk. it made us feel at home. sweet girls and boys. got to play with less than jake, pretty amazing.

kiss me. breathe life into my old failures. i want to feel them at the speed of light.

i got paris hilton's number. what do you got?

peter pumkin eater

November 14, 2003

8:14 pm

“i want my funeral to be a party. play all the hits and dance the night away.”

morrisey.tupac.love,love will tear us apart, yes it will. unbroken. it doesn't go the way you think it does, nothing ever does. mountain drives. scars and middle fingers. club food, club stomachaches. phonecalls that feel first kiss good. northern california nights, southern california hearts. tonight is all about we miss you.

we miss you.

November 17, 2003

“when i was young, your word was the word that always won.”

so i am writing this entry and i am not really sure what to say or whats going through my head. things only go wrong when you are a half a world away. you have to read this whole thing for it to make sense, don't start and then not finish. yesterday when we were driving to las vegas i had this bad dream that my mom had chemo and died from it. i was than woken up by a phone call from my sister who told me to call home because my grandpa had just died. we were expecting it, so this didn't completely shock me.i just feel totally fucked when i think about how sad it is for someone to die completely alone, with noone there. it makes me feel really guilty for some reason- that i am out here and living. and everytime i try to talk to anyone about anything the words get choked in my throat. don't mistake this as me asking to have you say "pete you can talk to me". i know i can, but i can't. because something is messed up inside of me. i feel stupid because this is just some dumb tour journal and i am just airing the dirty laundry and catching the unaccounted for ghosts. i don't need a shoulder, i just need to figure myself out. and the only thing that gets me through anything is my three friends in this band and 30 minutes a night we play. it makes me think about how rad my own dad is and how much trouble i give him all the time. nomatter what he is a safety net. whenever i bend he doesn't let me break and it scares me that there will be a day when might not be around. i am sitting in l.a. at one of the greatest hotels around about to play the house of blues and then go hang out with blink (it doesnt feel real and doesn't feel deserved). i'll write more later tonight. my sidekick broke so i don't know when i'll get on the net again.

tonight is all about we miss you...

i miss you.

p

November 19, 2003

“we write music not soap operas.”

so l.a. was amazing, the kids in anaheim were amazing. anyway, p.s. i got paris hiltons number from some dumb A&R guy at a show of ours and never called it- she doesn't know i exist, i don't care. so dear drama on our webboard, if you don't like what i have to say than you can check out this other thing.... called 'the door'. leave, don't read this. stop focusing on our jeans and haircuts, stop believing gossip on the internet. we write music, not soap operas. my head has gotten so big i can barely hold it up to type this. its such a joke. if you only knew how insecure i felt, so sick in my own skin- if only you knew how nervous you all make me.

thankyouforbeingsupportiveofus.

i may take a break from writing in here for a bit, maybe not. i am pretty obsessed with words. we'll see. i don't want this to feel like i am just going through the motions.

thanks, i can RU(i)N my life myself.

peterrabbit.

you are like fucking cancer.

November 21, 2003

“how does my name taste on your lips?”

yeah so i have given alot of thought on the drive. the shows have been fun. we are getting to hang out with alot of old friends. i have always thought that what i say in here is overdramatic. that is a fault of my own. but i want to give you an honest portrayal of what our/my life is like on tour and going through this process. its not all shitty. its not all fun. it is different from how my life was before. everyone in this band can write on here- i guess some of them are smarter and have better stuff to do- which i should go do now. it's hard to not let people get you down when you put yourself out there. i have to work on that.

go listen to kent "isola" if our new record doesnt sound something like that i will be disappointed.

peter

November 22, 2003

1:35 pm

I.C. you are feeling Drake

you know how it goes. its been awhile. i hate the fucking drama everywhere. yet somehow i feel pretty attached to it. the west coast was rad. we're making our way back. i think i may be spending thanksgiving on a plane. more for me to complain about. my throats hurting pretty badly and i have van neck from sleeping in it last night. on a positive note i got "my life with morrissey" this documentary on hardcore morrissey fans (bring on the freaks). i'm hoping i might see myself hahaha. tommy two tone might jump on this tour for a minute, you know "jenny 8675309" haha how good?

it can't get much better/worse.

call me up on my cellular phone just to see how i'm doing. it would make my day.

November 24, 2003

“who could ever love a kid with eyes this blotchy and red”

joy division

the hills have eyes

vinnie and roger ltj

midwest hearts

breakfast all day

old pictures

van conversation/van sing along

when you smell like baby sweat in your sleep

headphones as medicine

complaining online, new bruises (to the face and the ego)

867-5309 (yeah they're on this tour)

love, love will tear us apart

give up the ghost

photo shoots for dirty looking tired kids

you won't understand so don't try to.

these are the lives the world would lead but they are too against injury.

peter pumpkin eater

November 25, 2003

11:29 pm

“the pity party is officially over.”

i am single if you wanna hang out, bros and stellas.

also, i am moving to another journal at some point so the drama in this stupid one can stop.

November 25, 2003

“over the years i've kept more grudges than i have kept promises and friends…”

i am sorry i have been so out of touch lately. this tour has proved to me that being in this band is the best thing that will ever happen to me.

for the record i know you are going through a hard time-

it's good to know you are doing okay and that someone is there for you.

cause i can't be anymore.

peter

November 28, 2003

“the breaking of the fellowship”

detroit - philadelphia - d.c. three amazing shows in a row. detroit felt good, like at home. philadelphia was one of the biggest rooms we played on this tour. that being said we still felt really connected and the disco dance after party was rad. d.c. we had never played before so we were pretty nervous about it. in the end there was no need for it cause everybody had a good time. it just felt pretty right lately.

after the d.c. show everything felt weird when the band all went our seperate ways for thanksgiving. it felt off. it's like i spend all my time with these guys and it felt strange to be not doing it. it sounds dumb but if this ended i don't know what i would do. everything was so different before and i feel like they are the only people who understand me.

this thing saved my life. blah blah. who cares.

happy thanksgiving.

peter

November 29, 2003

“the act is getting old (so are you).”

its funny with all the things you had to say.

the truth never found its way in.

see you around.

November 30, 2003

“I got you in my headphones.”

Reading: touching from a distance. I.C. I know how it feels to be off. Watching: glengary glen ross. You feel like an old lead.

Drove all night from home to pittsburgh. Thank you for making it worth it. We got the best reaction we have ever gotten there. Saw a ton of old friends and kids from other towns. Left late today for new york city. I am in love with this band. I spent most of my free time answering email though I fear I will never catch up. Why do I always pick the worst times to fall apart?

I've got the remix of sincerity playing in my head. We're all falling apart again. I must confess how much I believe in love. You're who I'm dreaming of.

p

[omegalaugh]

january 13th 2024

i can’t seem to get this off my mind. i cant seem to get him off my mind. i was just doing so good, i hadn’t been sad about it. now i’m feeling worthless. how am i supposed to ever get over it if everything is a constant reminder of me not being good enough. i feel like i'm placing my anger somewhere it doesn’t need to be but at the same time i feel like everything i'm upset about is fully reasonable. i have felt like this since november 2022. from the moment i felt like i wasn’t good enough it’s just continued with more examples and proof. i have always been an option. i have never been the answer. i felt like i was while i was with him. i felt like i finally had a purpose, like someone truly cared about me. looking back now, it’s clear he didn’t. i was always just an option to him, the safe choice. “oh - you’re my dream girl i love you so much” yet i was never shown that other than displays of wealth. i want to be happy more than anything in the world. i want to move on with my life, i want to love again. i hate being alone so much. if you really loved me, and thought of me as your dream girl, you would have shown it. i’m being dismissive of the times he did however with everything in the past, i can see through it. i wasn’t that special, i was just devoted. he could get away with just about anything with me. i didn’t want to lose him. i didn’t know what i would be without him, and i don’t. i haven’t been happy in a long time. like genuinely happy. there’s such a difference of being in love and loving. i love my family. i want to be in love. i want to be comforted while i cry. i want to be told it’s gonna be okay and believe it. i think it bothers me so much because i haven’t been able to be the only one for anyone. there’s always someone else. - literally had a girlfriend the entire time we were dating. - got a girlfriend after telling me we could never be serious, and continued to tell me how special i was to him then. how much he wished she was like me. what is it about me? i try so fucking hard to be the perfect girl, and that’s still not enough. there’s always going to be someone better. - literally texted - “i wish you were here instead” while i was over after holding me telling me how beautiful i am, pulling me in for a kiss before i left. - texting that guy we had both matched with. the last guy i genuinely saw hope with on a dating app, stopped talking to me and chose her over me. i don’t know what the point of it was. she never met him, literally ghosted him. i don’t think my anger is displaced. i would never do that to anyone. especially not someone that has been there for me for everything. it’s cruel. i complain so much, about how hard it is for me. does she not realize? or is she just doing it on purpose? just like he did. why does god send me the worst people? what did i do to cause this? i crave a man’s comfort so much. i just want to feel like i’m important. im so tired of everything in my life. i want to leave it all behind and be with my forever person. i want to speed past all this and just be there. i hate most of my friends and i just don’t want to be in this area anymore. i want to leave. i want to go far far away and never look back. i’ll communicate with family but i will make new friends. i will make friends with people who aren’t taking our friendship as a game. i will be happy someday. i’ll be in love again someday. i’ll have a husband i love with my entire heart and he’d love me with his entire heart. he wouldn’t just love the idea of me. he’d actually love me for me. i’d be such an amazing wife. i don’t think ill ever understand what it is. i wish someone would just fucking tell me. i need to know what it is. i need to know what makes me worse. what is so bad about me that makes it justified?

[lostacelonnie]

Thank you! I kinda just. Realized i pay for all my own stuff & have for years so whats stopping me y'know. Oh we love to hear about the fall of far right leadership i hope that turns out well & you can get your eventual hrt as well. Oh yeah i never wear swimsuits to the beach typically. Always been with people i dont like or too many strangers for my liking. But i like to find seashells & stuff. Oh? English is such a weird language having a partner to learn from who's fluent is like. Required almost. So im glad you had one. I appreciate when people are chill as long as you try its nice & leaves room for mistakes that'll happen inevitably. Got confused for a moment & the concept of having a birthname you dont have listed in your bio lost me like. What do ya mean you had any different name what. Both mine are easy so i dont have that as a first name problem. Where is tromso? I wish you luck in that fall/winter trips are so nice. I especially love to go camping in them because less people so more space. Oh she just gets all the counters wow. Gonna have to focus on her a bit for sure. I dont know if i have enough for guaranteed kafka but i will probably try. Just to see what happens. If nothing else i hope bronya or welt come home for you. Fontaine is one of the regions im most interested in so ill stick through for it but i might squeeze a break in towards natlan honestly. Chasm was. A pain anyways i do not blame you for skipping it honestly. Thats an average day in warsaw? Wild. Ohhh that sounds like it was a blast please pass belated birthday wishes to avery for me. Hair dye is such a fun thing to do congrats on the red! I wanna dye mine again soon. Eyeliner is a thing i wanna teach myself to do too ive just been. Forgetting a lot

yeah thats very understandable!!! and thank you!! after a long time i finally feel at least a little hopeful ab this countrys future but well see. yeah i have the exact same thing but at the same time drying a lot of clothes is Annoying [esp on camps since thats the main place i actually go into the water on] so i often just put regular clothes over a swimsuit. win-win situation. seashells ARE fun to find but i always forget to bring sth to carry them sjdjflksjf plus its pretty hard to find actually nice ones, over here at least. YEAH god plus the way english is taught in polish schools does NOT help so honestly if i didnt have additional lessons i probably wouldnt have learned anything despite studying for a looooong time. and yeah its that way with almost anything isnt it. AH I DO THAT EXACT THING SO OFTEN i genuinely forget that people Have birthnames. or even names in general i just treat usernames as first names a lot of the time. tromso is the place in norway i was in!! pretty far up north but very charming. thank you!! ahhh i almost never go camping but perhaps One Day..... yeah clara has been my best friend ever since i got her. shes so fun to use. thankies and good luck to both of us!!! already got 106 pulls ready + the 9 more from the login event + 20 days left to grind so while i defo wont get enough for guarantee i think it might be possible for me to get her. honestly the region im most excited for is snezhnaya and thats gonna be the last one released iirc so. still a while until that happens. but at least when/if i come back im gonna have a lot of stuff to check out so thats fun. i unfortunately suffer from having to see everything thats new Immediately so i often speedrun new versions in 3 days and them im like....... What Now........ until the next update and then the cycle repeats. ah i should play more games that arent released this way. but yeah while the chasm was quite pretty imo and the story was. well. it wasnt STUNNING but it was fun. but the exploration aspect SUCKED good lord i hated how i could never quite tell if im in the region displayed on the map or below it. agh. glad thats over. and well yknow how it is with big cities, at least i live in a fairly peaceful part so we dont really have big stuff like that often. i will!! and thanks!! i agree hair dye IS very fun but unfortunately my hair texture makes it really hard for dye to stick so it washes off quickly :'] but alas. and yeah fair jdjfklg i have the same thing PLUS. its annoying i can never get it even

[ameliasbitvh]

Nate treating you bad or something then acting like he doesn’t care when he sees you moving on from him

AHHHGGHSJSH LOVE TGIS

also im sorry this is so long 😭

—

"stop being a nosy bitch, y/n!" he yelled, his hands snatching his phone from your hands.

"how am i being a nosy bitch if you're the one talking to all these hoes?!" you fought back, not letting a single tear escape your eyes. no way in hell would you let nate jacobs see you cry over him, again.

"i'm not! you're crazy!" he barked out, accusing you.

"i'm crazy? you're crazy! all you do is drive me fucking crazy! give me your fucking phone nate."

"no, why do you need it?"

"to see if you're fucking lying."

"you should just fucking trust me, y/n. it's not that damn hard."

"oh, trust me it's hard when it comes to you. if you're not lying give me your phone."

he thought about it for a moment. why should he owe you anything? especially his phone, honesty, and loyalty. he doesn't. so he wasn't about to give you his damn phone.

"nate just — please..." you pleaded, you were tipping off the peak of your cliff. god, the tears were spilling. you knew he wasn't loyal, but something in the back if your mind always told you, 'he'll change, just give him time.' and you've have him time, a whole damn year and two months.

he saw those tears stream down your pretty eyes, decorating your cheeks with smeared makeup. he admired your beauty, even in your worst you still were the most beautiful girl he's ever laid his eyes on.

taking a step forward towards you, his hand brushed a lock of your hair behind your ear. his hand slowly cupping your jaw, his lips ghosted your ear as he leaned in. "i'm sorry, forgive me. i won't do it again."

and right then and there you knew he wouldn't change. you two weeks ago would have fell for his shitty bait and trap, thinking he had empathy. but you now? not now. not ever. you'd never fall for his games again.

you felt anger, sadness; the fact that you had shown him your vulnerability, love and passion. all for this in return. it surged through your body at once, you immediately pushed him off of you.

"you fucking bitch, im gonna fucking kill you!" you cried, weakly punching his chest. all you felt was this pain, the pain he caused. and all you wished was for it to project out onto him.

"i hate you, i hate you, i hate you," those repeated like a mantra as you pounded his chest, tears streaming down your face.

"y/n, look at me — damn it just look at me!" he shook you, your eyes moving up to meet his staring down at you. it's as if you saw a sliver of empathy in his eyes, impossible.

"i fucking hate you, nate jacobs."

—

and that was the last time he'd see you. of course he would see you at school, but never out of it. people weren't shocked when they heard you both broke up, it was an ongoing cycle. but what shocked them is when you started talking to mcaky, he and cassie didn't work out. because she was fucking nate.

so the both of you really just had each other in the time.

you knew you'd be judged from being with nate, moving onto mckay: a homie hopper. but you didn't care.

chris was soft, loving and kind; he knew what he had when he had it. nate didn't.

"have you guys heard?" kat asked jules and maddy as they walked down the halls of the school.

"heard what, kat?" maddy asked, her usual facial expressions coming out. jules nodded her head, wanting to know as well.

"i heard y/n's with mckay now!" the dark haired girl exclaimed, her hands gripping her back pack straps.

"oh my god that whore! ugh i love her for that!" maddy laughed, head thrown back.

"no way —" jules started.

oh, yes way, jules.

and that's how it all traveled around to nate.

his fists clenched as his teeth gritted against each other, his hand slammed against the lockers in the locker room.

"alright, does anyone know where the fuck mckay is?!" he barked out, the boys in the room were silent, until a dirty blonde spoke out. "i heard he's on the football field with..."

"jesus fucking christ." the brunette exclaimed, pulling a shirt over his head before storming out.

finally he arrived at the football field, just to see you and chris laying on the grass, hands intertwined, noses touching as you both smiled like idiots.

and that about just did it.

he stormed over pulling mckay by his collar. "man, what the fuck!" the dark skin boy exclaimed, trying to push nate off.

"what about you, huh? trying to get my sloppy seconds? don't fucking touch her, mckay." the brunette growled, a hand wrapped around his neck the other punching the shit out of him.

"nate get the fuck off of him!" you yelled, hands pushing him off. "get *push* off *push* you *push* cunt!"

getting irritated of you he got off of him, "what the fuck, y/n?! mckay out of all people!"

"well, what the fuck nate, cassie out of all people!" you yelled back.

"you don't fucking know the whole story."

"oh yeah. i don't know the whole story of how you fucked her on new years, shut the fuck up." you barked out.

you immediately fell onto your knees in front of mckay, "hey, hey, it's okay. i'll get you to the —"

"get the fuck away from him." nate bit out, his breathing heavy.

you ignored him, continuing to console the boy in front of you.

"y/n don't ignore me!" he was mad.

"you're talking to nobody but yourself." you finally respond.

and you were right.

so maybe that's why he was in his room, talking to nothing but the white wall in front of him.

[hoonhrt]

ENHYPEN WHEN THEY’RE SICK

: pairing — sick boyfriend! enhypen x reader

: genre — so soft :( (maybe angsty??)

: warnings —  mentions of vomiting and being ill 

: a/n — i started school again after my break so i’ve been so caught up trying to focus on it :(

･:*:･ﾟ☆ heeseung

he’d be coughing and sniffling the night before and when you ask him he is feeling sick he’d very dramatically say:

“absolutely not! i have like the strongest immune system ever baby i cant believe you’d question MY immune system”

he woke up the next morning with a full blown fever.

HED BE SO WHINY :((

wants you to lay next to you all day long csuse he claims you are his “human furnace”

croaks from your shared bedroom when you get up to get medicine and some hot soup

only agrees to take the medicine if you feed him

once he does take the medicine, he sits there with his mouth open so you can feed him his food

you just stare at him the whole time like 😐😐 am i taking care of my boyfriend or a child 😐😐

he’s staring at you like 🥺🥺🥺 cause he’s so thankful to have you in his life

he squirms into your arms and hides his face in the crook of your neck, already feeling better as you play with his hair

leaves little kisses on your neck as his way to thank you for taking care of him

･:*:･ﾟ☆ jay

tries to convince you he is okay #1

“no angel! i’m okay it’s nothing okay i’m fine psshhh no worries”

doesn’t work as you woke up from his loud coughs in the middle of the night :(

he is very stubborn and continues you to insist that he is okay and that he can take care of himself (he just doesn’t wanna burden you)

everytime you say you’re gonna go do something for him he tries to protest saying he is fine but than starts coughing up a storm

spends the whole day with a pout on his face cause he doesn’t want you to waste your day taking care of him

sucks to be him tho cause you’ll do anything for mr. jay park!

i remember someone said that when jay is feeling ill, his emotions tend to exaggerate

like he’ll feel pain in his throat but will claim his entire body hurts and he cannot move a muscle... (it’s okay it’s just the sickness getting to him)

all he wants to do is cuddle next to you and sleep

like he’ll ask for massages or even random things like piece of cake from the bakery downstairs and you go do it cause your poor boy is feeling down and you wanna see him happy :((

pays you back by buying you new things and spending all that lost time doing anything you want to do (even if it means watching a movie he despises)

･:*:･ﾟ☆ jake

NAAAUUURRR i’m gonna cry just thinking about sick little jake

his eyes are wide and glossy the whole time and his lips are pursed out into a little pout

baby hates being sick cause then he can’t go out and do fun things with you!

DEMENDS cuddles and kisses.

like i think he’ll cry if you leave his side

even if it’s for his own benefit, he clings to you like a little koala

lowkey a little dramatic, acts like his dying

“baby i think this is my last day... pls tell layla i love her” and you’re like What About Me.

you pour him the liquid medicine on to a spoon and give it to him yourself

gets so giddy and smiles at you like a goof afterwards

you bring the back of your palm to his forehead and go “you’re so hot omg”,,, he proceeds to say “i know i am babe you don’t have to tell me twice 😏” BOOYYY

treats you like a little teddy bear and holds you super super close to his body!!

pays you back by taking care of you the later week when you’re sick

･:*:･ﾟ☆ sunghoon

the only one actually capable of taking care of himself 

he just seems very normal when he is sick 

like he can definitely be on his own 

lowkey doesn’t want you around so you dont get sick 

but you are very stubborn and you stay there to take care of him 

which he appreciates cause he likes being coddled a little bit hehe 

it honestly just feels like a regular, stay at home day with him aside from the fact he is violently coughs every 30 minuets next to you 

the only thing he wants from you is that you let him lay on your lap and you play with his hair 

which you do ofc and he is just simply so happy from that 

falls asleep in your lap cause its so therapeutic

“mmmm feel so nice honey” he slurs very sleepily 

nuzzles his face into your stomach, searching for warmth :((( 

you press little kisses around his face while he sleeps and he starts to blush but you can’t tell cause you think its just his face burning up from being sick (thank god it would’ve embarrassed him so bad if you found out it was from little kisses)    

brings you flowers and gives you endless amount of cuddles as his way to thank you :(( 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ sunoo

boyfriend or child you can’t tell #2

will WHINE SO LOUD if you try to leave his side 

“Y/NNNNN NOOOOO you can’t go~ its so cold~ im gonna freeze to death if you go~” “sunoo i need to get you medici-” “NOOOOOOO” 

REFUSES to take his medicine 

will turn his head the other way with a pout on his face and stubbornly shake his head 

you have to pursued him with food and kisses in order for him to actually take it 

takes the medicine but gags while taking it 

“wheres my cuddles huh 😐” 

so so so clingy :( he is pretty much on your entire lap with his head laid across your shoulder and his arms wrapped around your neck 

sunoo wouldn’t be very sleepy but he would be very quiet (which makes you sad cause youre sunny is always so talkative), so he spends this time listening to you and all the things you wanna talk about 

you guys watch movies together the whole day 

wants you to leave kisses on his cheeks cause it makes him feel better 

he pouts at you while you laugh at him when you feed him snacks 

buys you all the snacks you could dream of when he is feeling better <33 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ jungwon 

tries to convince you he is fine #2

but wakes you up in the middle of night cause he threw up :(( 

he gets teary eyed cause he doesn’t wanna burden you but at the same time it hurts so bad 

whimpers so much :(( 

he wants to be held so much, he is attached to you the entire time 

you wipe his face with cold towels to bring down his high body temperature down and push back his bangs with so much care and love 

“thank you y/n” he speaks so softly before letting out a huge sniffle 

jungwon falls in love with you so much more

like he didnt think he could but some how you have managed to make him fall in love with you again 

really likes it when you pet his head and massage his temples 

he clings to you so much that he just follows you around like a little puppy 

you guys watch romance movies together to distract him from the pain 

will never give you a hard time like if you ask him to sit up and drink his water or take his medicine he’ll do it right away no questions asked 

mainly cause he wants to get better quickly so he can spend more time with you doing more interesting things 

thanks you by taking on a cute little picnic date the week after :( 

･:*:･ﾟ☆ ni-ki

sleep. all he will do is sleep. 

he doesnt care about anything else except for that fact that he wants to sleep 

sprawls his entire body on top of yours 

he literally traps your body so you cant get out 

you have to physically push him off of you which isnt a problem cause he is in such a deep sleep 

and when he wakes up and you ARENT by his side, he gets very whiny 

“Y/NNNN why’d you leave me ☹️” 

very grumpy 

you laugh at this which makes him even more grumpy 

how cute 

ni-ki is honestly very frustrated that 1) he can’t go to practice and dance with his cheery personality and 2) he can’t kiss you!!!! (this is what is the most important to him) 

so he just whines all day 

whines when you tell him you have to take medicine 

whines when you try to get him to sit up and eat 

whines when you aren’t cuddling him 

so pls cuddle the poor boy <//3 

LOVES BACK RUBS 

your cool hand against his warm back makes him sigh out loud 

pays you back be giving you endless hugs, kisses and letting you win in games <//3 

[harrysgoldenline]

When In Italy Part 4

here is part 4! Um this chapter has bad words and some adult themes so warning for that! The next part will be the last, so let me know what you think! Are they end game or no? Also! If you want a personalized imagine, check out my pinned post! If you want to support me ---> please click here! every little bit helps bc im a broke ass college student so thank u to anyone who wants to support me :)

All comments and feedback are welcome and encouraged!! :)

WORD COUNT: 2.2K

You stood frozen as he stepped out of the elevator, his eyes soft as he met yours, waking towards you.

“Get away from me.” you whisper, attempting to push past him and get into the elevator, pressing the door closed button before even pressing a floor, not wanting him to get any closer.

“Y/N, wait!” he rushed, sticking his hand between the doors and stopping it, his tall frame standing before you that you quickly push past, going back to lock yourself in your apartment, and lock him out, “Please, let me explai-“

“No!” you stopped, voice firm as you turned to face him, “you can’t keep doing this! you can’t keep showing up like this! So just leave me alone.”

You kept walking, ignoring his pleas as he came after you, successfully unlocking your apartment door rapidly, but you catch a glimpse of rings as he hand stops the door.

“Please.” He whispered, not pushing the door open and you saw a flicker of his eyes and you could almost see the sincerity in them, “I know I don’t deserve it, I really don’t, but I would just love to talk to you for real this time, anything you want to know.”

“and you’re not gonna be an asshole this time?” you asked, leaning against the doorframe, peaking at him, “because if you are, I swear to god Styles I will give you 5 seconds to get the fuck out.”

“Promise.” He nodded and your heart believed him, so you opened the door.

You watched as he shoved his hands deep in his pockets, slowly entering your apartment and you didn’t miss how his eyes scanned you quickly, before bouncing around the apartment, looking around the space he used to be so familiar with.

You watched how he headed to the couch about to sit but stutter stepped a bit, scratching the back of his neck and looking at you, almost asking you if it’s okay if he sits down.

You gave him a soft smile and nod, tucking a loose hair behind your ear and sitting on one side of the couch, thankful he sat on the other, giving you each plenty of space as your eyes met. The tension was slowly rising, looking at each other as you sat, wondering who was going to break the silence.

“I never meant for anything to happen.” he whispered, his head falling as a shameful look covered his face, avoiding your eyes, “After the breakup… I- I was just lost. I was messing up at work and I just was doing shit. Then, it was like only like a month ago, I was getting drunk all the time and she just came into my trailer and we were talking and then she kissed me.”

You just nodded, biting your bottom lip and picking at your nails, peaking up and looking at him, your glossy eyes meeting his bloodshot ones, not really having anything to say in response.

“And I just…” he started, “I wanted to feel better, feel anything. So, we just started hanging out more and I just really wanted to feel something, feel a connection. So we took a trip to Italy because… It’s always been a place that made me feel better and then…”

“Yeah.” you chuckled, “and then… Why did you bring her to our house? I know we haven’t talked about that kind of stuff, but it’s mine too Harry and… just seeing you two there? I never felt more replaceable than I did when I saw you two.”

“Oh love, no.” He whispered, scooting closer to you, a hand coming up to cup your face to help your eyes meet, but he retracted it back before he made contact with your skin, “I’m so, so sorry. I’m so sorry and I will never be able to prove to you, but that was never my intention to ever hurt you. The breakup was a mistake.”

“I… How am I supposed to believe that?” you squeaked, voice cracking as the barrier breaks, tears falling on your cheeks as you looked up at him, “We we’re together for years and you just- I mean fuck Harry! I haven’t even thought about even starting to flirt with someone and you’re…”

“We’ve never had sex,” He quietly added cheeks turning a bit red, “or done anything like that. At all, I just… couldn’t.”

Your eyes widen a bit at the confession, watching as he looked at his hands, a slight twinge of embarrassment on his features.

“Oh.” you whispered, “I know I shouldn’t be mad, we… we aren’t together and you have have the right to do whatever you want but it’s just… hard. Especially when I wasn’t expecting it. I went to Italy to try and get away, everything in the city makes me think of you, I don’t know why I thought staying at the house would be any better but, I just wanted to get away.”

“Sorry I ruined your trip.”

“Sorry I ruined your hookups.”

He let out a laugh, the smile staying a bit longer when he noticed you had subconsciously scooted a bit closer to him.

“It’s not like I ever really wanted to… Even little Harry only wants you.” he flirted and an instant, loud laugh leaves your lips, leaning forward and your brace yourself on his shoulder, a simple thing you had done over the years countless times, but still made his heart skip a beat.

“Oh my god,” you said between breathless laughs, your bodies now less then a foot apart as you smiled up at him, “please do not call it little Harry!”

“What do you prefer?” He smirked, “rather I call it bi-“

“What the fuck?” a voice spoke suddenly, both of your red eyes going to your front door and seeing your best friend standing their, her eyes wide in a mix of confusion and anger. Your hand retracted from his body quickly, your best friend looking at you with soft eyes, her eyes darting over to Harry’s and you see the fiery anger behind them, “Y/N, please tell me he was getting whatever shit he left behind and is leaving.”

“We were just talking.” You started, glancing over at Harry, seeing a bit of fear behind his eyes and your lips quirked up in a smile that quickly faded seeing the anger in y/bff/n eyes.

“What do you want to talk to him about? How he broke your heart again?” She asked, confusion and concern laced in her voice, “I’m sorry, y/n, I just… I can’t watch you go through all of it all over again and again.”

You opened your mouth to protest, but he quickly stood up beside you giving you a quick nod as he glanced over at y/bff/n the back at you, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just showed up. It was so good to see you, y/n, I’ll get out of your way.”

“Harry, wait!” you stood up, hating the softening in your voice, “I want to talk more… are you staying or do you have to go back to L.A?”

“I’ll be here as long as you need me. And if you want me gone, I’ll book my flight. Okay? It’s up to you, whatever you want.”

“Okay… Can I call you later?”

“You can call me anytime, I’ll pick up.”

***

Y/bff/n definitely wasn’t thrilled with you.

“I just feel like this is a bad idea, y/n!” She had exclaimed once Harry had left your apartment, “He’s gonna hurt you again! What could he possibly want?”

“I dont know, I just… I dont know.” You sighed, sitting across from her on your couch just like you did with him, “I love him and I don’t know what’s going to happen but I don’t want to end up hating him.”

She nodded, looking at you as your eyes glazed over again, “Hey, okay, I’m sorry. I just don’t want you upset. Do you still wanna go try this new place or just hang out here? Let’s get your mind off of everything, you need a break, yeah? Especially if you’re going to talk to him later.”

“Do you think I should?"

“If that’s what you think, I think you should. You know him.” She nods, “but I swear to god if he makes you cry again he’ll have to deal with me.”

So now, here you were, waiting on him to come back to finish your talk from earlier. It was helpful hanging out with y/bff/n, listening to her advice as she gave you a bit of the reality check that you needed, making sure he won’t sweep you off your feet with his familiar charm.

Your heart rate never fully calmed down as you waited for him to come back to your apartment after y/bff/n dropped you back off after your afternoon together and you were glad for the few hours of a distraction, but now your mind was fully occupied with him once again as you sat on your couch.

The knock on your door caused you to jump, hoping up and checking your appearance in your hall mirror before swinging open the door, seeing Harry standing their with a bouquet of flowers, a small smile on his face.

“Got these for you,” he began, “shoulda showed up with them when I kinda crashed into you earlier… but I was so nervous I didn’t think about it, honestly.”

“Thank you.” You softly replied, eyeing up at him and taking them from his grip, letting out a shaky breath as you welcome him in and turn on your heel, going to your kitchen to place them into a vase quickly before going back to him, seeing him in the same spot you two were sitting in earlier.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry again… and thank you for letting me come back and talk to you at all, really don’t deserve your time, but I’m thankful for it.” He began, eyes glued onto yours as he scooted closer to you when you sat down, his fingers tentatively trailing on your arm before laying his hand on your own, “I… I want you back, y/n. I want to be with you, I never stopped wanting just you.”

“Harry, I… I don’t know what to say.” You started, “I just… there’s so much still up in the air and it’s all happening so fast. Are you still with Olivia?”

“No, of course not.” He instantly answered, “we were never anything real, I left Italy when I went to the house and you were gone. I came back here and I just… I would sit outside your building in my car and just try and get the nerve to walk in to talk to you, but I was so scared of you telling me to leave again.” Harry started deep into your eyes as he continued, his own welling up with tears, “I love you so much and I was such an idiot and fuck baby… I’ll do anything to prove it you.”

Now, you two were just inches apart, his hand cupping your cheek as you leaned into it, eyes glued onto his eyes as both of your gazes were glassy, sets of eyes wandering down to one another’s lips. Your eyes fluttered up and looked at him, his nose nudging into yours, seeming to test the boundary and you simply nodded, causing him to connect your lips in an instant.

Your lips met softly, gaining speed as the passion overflowed you both as the familiar move came back easier than either of you could have imagined. You both moaned into one another’s mouths, his tongue quickly sliding past your lips as your crawled onto his lap, fingers gripping the soft material of his shirt.

Things escalated quickly as he carried you into your bedroom, body hovering over yours as his body pressed against yours, the articles of clothing disappearing piece by piece, lips never separating a second longer than they had to you as you refamilarized yourselves with one another.

His fingers dug their way into your waist as he kissed you harder, singular pieces of thin material being the only things separating you and as Harrys fingers slipped down, pulling back and looking up at you for permission, your breath caught in your throat, reality hitting you like a wave.

“I can’t do this.” You whispered, fingers removing themselves from his hair as you covered your face, voice wavering as tears welled up in your eyes once again, “I-it’s all too much, too fast- I-I, I don’t think I can do this, Harry- I can’t.”

“Fuck, it’s okay.” He whispered, crawling off from on top of you, scrambling to pick his t shirt off the floor and handing to you, quickly covering your body with it, “Fuck, I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

You nodded quickly, knees tucking into your chest as you let out soft cries, flinching as his arm came around you, going to comfort you with the soft stroke of his arm and retracted it quickly after seeing your reaction.

“I-I… I just keep seeing you and her in my head.” You whispered, “…I don’t know if I can do this.”

[starconsumer444]

“When Things Fall In Place” (18+)

Creepy Roommate!Kenma

(A/N: This is...about 3.1k of pure degeneracy, which I actually had no intention on writing, finishing, or publishing and just thought out as I went... There was no planning, no actual ideas prior to this {actually its based off this guy I met recently because im always stuck with the creeps}...I just started it late at night [basically the early hours of the morning] and finished it this afternoon. I haveeee to stop writing for haikyuu... But I’m probably gonna fall off, comeback and write one or two request with a bunch of other random bs, and then disappear again after this, but thats just how it is. I get bored of writing every three days then come back to write my heart out. I really have to write my requests soon or they’ll hate me...) 

(Cw/Tw: Fem!Reader, Stalking, Somno, Rape/Noncon,  Virgin!Kenma, Theft, Crying, Poor Writing, Kenma is a sweaty, friendless, looser in this one guys, I’m bad at tagging these but you get the idea... this is bad and nasty. 3.1k!!!! THIS IS LONG AS HELL)

You don’t know much about him, Kenma— your roommate. You’ve been living together for almost a year at this point and that can’t be normal. He stays in his room playing video games, doesn’t seem to have friends, leaves for work in the morning, and keeps to himself for the most part. Honestly, if you didn’t greet each other in passing you would’ve forgotten the sound of his voice by now. It’s low, unaffected, and monotone for the most part. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be bothered?

But see, Kenma knows everything about you. You went to middle and high school together, but he was just as standoffish in those days too. He doesn’t expect you to remember him, you clearly don’t, but it still weighs on his heart. Was he that forgettable? It’s okay, because one day he’ll tell you. One day he’ll tell you everything.

He’s been obsessed with you since middle school, you were the pretty girl that sat in the front of the class and smelled so good. You would talk to give answers in class and he would be all ears, because to him your voice was his only source of happiness. To hear you speak and smell your perfume as you walked past him was a reason to live. Sure, it was weird, but so were a lot of things about him. He had no friends, could you blame him? Would you?  So maybe, then, in middle school it was an innocent harmless crush, not an obsession, but in high school he was definitely obsessed. 

He overheard you say it to your friends— where you were going to high school, and he told his parents thats where he wanted to enroll. The entire time he never spoke to you, much like middle school, he was off in a corner playing a game alone, inconspicuously keeping an eye on you. He used to trail you and your friends around the school and he always wondered how you were so perfect? How you were so good at making friends? How you stood out like that? Maybe that’s why you were so unapproachable... 

He remembers you were class president for three consecutive years up until graduation. You were so damn intimidating, but everyone loved you, especially Kenma and you were blind to it. You never ONCE noticed him or gave a damn about him and you were class president. He wanted to talk to you so bad, but he just couldn't. He would steal things from you with the intent to say he found them and maybe start a conversation, but he ended up hoarding them in his room at home. The biggest thing he’d stolen was a sweater because you hadn’t seemed to notice the erasers or pencils. 

He vividly remembers the sheer panic and urgency he stuffed that damned pink sweater into his backpack with, so scared he’d get caught and called a creep. He really did plan on returning it but he just— it smelled so good back then...he remembers. He took it home and hid it under his bed, only opting to take it out and hold it to his face and just smell it on special occasions when he felt up to it and guilt wasn't taking over his mind, body, and soul. He knew it was wrong but he felt the most alive in moments where he didn’t care. He’d tried to resist the urge, but at some point he started to pleasure himself with it too. It started happening so often that he’d get hard at the smell of you even when you walked by him in class. He still has that sweater.

At some point during that time, he’d picked up the strange hobby of following you home from school. You walked alone all the time so he’d lie to himself and say it was for your safety as he stalked around corners and made sure you never saw him. He’d always watch you enter your home from down the block, far enough so he wouldn't catch your attention. Those times he didn’t want you to notice him, he felt sick doing it, but it was something akin to an addiction and he just couldn't stop himself. This was a short lived addiction though...about a month or so. 

His mom started to pick up on his staying out later than usual and by then he’d actually started to go up in front of your house and just stare at it. He prayed to god that you didn’t see him being a creep like this, but sometimes he wished you did because at the very least you would recognize his existence. Still, you never saw him. He went back to being locked up in his room, playing video games until the early hours of the morning, rubbing himself raw against your sweater, and being consumed by you in private. All he wanted was for you to acknowledge him. Tell him that he exists to you, because he’s sure his existence is for you.

Those days were hell on earth, he struggled to shower and his only motivation for getting up and doing anything was to see you, who didn't know he existed. It was a depraved cycle. 

Now he’s here with you, and the first time he talked to you was to respond to a “roommate wanted” ad. Isn’t it wonderful how things come full circle? 

Still, he struggles to actually hold face to face conversations with you. How could he? He fantasizes about you so much...it feels wrong.

These days he finds himself rutting into your sheets when you're out praying that you don’t catch him, stealing your panties just to hold them to his nose and eventually soak them in his cum, and even worse having disgustingly sadistic fantasies about you belonging to him. He pushes those fantasies to the back of his mind, though. He doesn't want to be fucked up, but then again, it can't be that bad to want to own your source of happiness.

His infatuation reaches a peak one night when he finds himself groggily trudging his way to your room in the dead of night with his fleshlight in hand. He tried everything, he didn't want to jack off so he played his video games like usual, but even that didn’t take his mind off of you. Typically, he’d jack off with his fleshlight alone in his room to depraved and deluded fantasies of you, but tonight he needs to be near you; to see you, to smell you, and to know you’re there.

Upon entering your room he flips the light on, and it’s actually really dim— not that he hoped to wake you up or anything. He tip-toes over to the side of your bed and stands over your sleeping figure. You look so beautiful when you’re asleep, a shame he’s never thought about seeing you like this before or rather...a shame he’s violating you like this. He wants himself to stop because he knows it’s wrong, but he’s wanted something like this for so long and right now it’s in the palm of his hand. He’s sick and he knows it.

Still, he pulls his sweats and underwear down just enough to where they’re right under his balls. The cold air of your ceiling fan hits his painfully hard shaft and it feels so good it makes him sick. He slowly sheaths himself inside the faithfully used toy imagining it was you. That’s even easier to do now that you’re right here in front of him.

His heart is racing, and he feels sick to his stomach...

“Gotta make this quick,” That’s what he says under his breath, but he want’s you to wake up and see him, he want’s you to call him a pervert and make him leave you alone forever. He wants to see you horrified by the sight of him pleasuring himself to your sleeping body. Is that so wrong?

Yeah, he knows it is. He can’t bring himself to care, though. He pumps himself in and out with hurried movements. He feels so gross and so good like this. Even with the fan on above him he’s sweating bullets like a madman, but he just can’t stop himself, he swears this isn’t his fault. His rational mind would never permit this, but when has he ever gone with that side of himself?

He starts to lose himself in pleasure, moaning out your name in his typical low voice rather than a whisper. He doesn't catch himself, and his moans start to get louder and louder. You start to stir and he can’t bring himself to shut up. You can’t be that light a sleeper, right? 

Wrong.

Your eye’s flutter open and then meet his and he cums unreasonably hard and his moan is gross and loud. His bottom lip is caught between his teeth and he doubles over from the pleasure. His hand grabbing on to your mattress is the only thing keeping him from hitting the floor.

His heart pounds in his chest and his breathing is erratic, but that’s not why the look in your eye’s is nothing but terror. He's sweating so much, he wants to apologize, but he doesn't.

“Don’t look at me like that.” He says sliding the toy off of himself. He thinks you look even more beautiful when you’re awake and scared out of your mind. 

You lie there, staring up at him, still trying to process how your aloof roommate could—

He climbs on your bed, fleshlight in hand, and straddles your waist and all you can bring yourself to do is shake your head.

“Kenma-” He presses his index finger to your lips and you freeze again.

Suddenly, he’s bringing the fleshlights opening to your mouth and you still can’t bring yourself to fight him.

“Please go away,” You ask like this is just some nightmare. You know it’s not, you can feel his weight on top of you and it feels too real. He’s so warm and so heavy.

“Lick.” He commands. He swears to himself that he’ll go away forever after this, the final piece to his happiness puzzle.

Tears start to fall down your face but he’s still insistent on having you eat his cum out of his gross plaything. When you don’t move, he leans over and presses it to your face.

“Lick.” 

This time, out of fear, you do. His cum tastes rancid, like battery acid. Disgusting would be more than an understatement. That doesn’t stop you from cleaning the toy with your tongue like your like depends on it, because right now...it might.

His eyes are tired when he smiles, almost dead, he looks sick. His hairs greasy, skin is pale, and he’s fisting his half hard dick while he watches you take his seed into your pretty mouth. You’ve never been this close to him before.

He strokes himself back to hardness like a delinquent. He knows he wants to leave you alone, but now he just can’t. When he tosses the fleshlight aside you’re shaking and crying begging him to go away.

“Kenma, please-” As much as he likes when you say his name, he can’t help but stifle your desperate begging with a kiss. 

It’s gross, wet, and all over the place, but Kenma doesn’t notice that. He’s never kissed anyone before and he’s beyond ecstatic that it’s you. You don’t bother with kissing him back, you just lie there, eyes open and crying. 

He savors this kiss, his first kiss. His lips are softer than expected, but he’s not— violence plagues his movements. His heart races even faster now, and when you try to turn your lips away from his he just grabs your jaw and holds you still. He gets drool all over both of your faces, and you can barely breathe. You can still feel him jacking himself off between your bodies and you feel nauseous. This “kiss” is so unpracticed and unrefined, he’s basically licking the inside of your mouth and breathing in your face.

Why is he doing this?

You feel him finally moving from your lips and pulling your shirt up to let cold air hit your tits. For a second, he pauses to catch his breath, chest heaving and spit covered mouth hanging open. He stares down at your chest in awe. You turn away in embarrassment, he doesn’t mind it; you must be terrified.

With one hand holding your shirt up, he brings the other from his dick to squeeze at your chest. You wince and struggle against him because he’s so fucking rough and it hurts. Then he gives one of your breasts a hard slap, and you start to writhe up under him. 

It brings a smile to his face, but he doesn’t do it anymore. He wants to try something different.

He carefully slides down off of you and between your legs. He grossly presses his face against your clothed cunt and smells you even licking you through your pajama bottoms.

He sees the shock on your face when you sit up to look at him and he simply brushes it off, too far gone to be considerate at this point.

When his hands pull down your pajama bottoms-

“No no no no nononono Kenma please stop it.” You whine and kick at him uselessly. You sit up to try to push his hands away but its all useless, he’s so unreasonably strong for someone his size. When he finally slides your pajama bottoms and underwear off of you and on to the floor he buries his face between your folds.

It’s like when he was kissing you, gross, wet, and unpracticed. He’s just haphazardly lapping at your labia and vulva. You push at his shoulders trying to get him off of you while crying your eyes out. It doesn’t seem to effect him though, he just locks his arms around your thighs, sliding you down onto your back. 

At some point his tongue washes clean over your clit and he feels your body jolt from the pleasure. He finds it again and your body stiffens. He looks up at your crying face and squeezes the meat of your thighs between his fingers as he abuses your clit to no end.

You’re sobbing at this point because to you this all feels without reason. For the first time in your life you are scared of Kenma. From what you remember of him, he was always voiceless and sweet, even during school when he decided to show up. He was a kid who always greeted the teacher, even if it was wordless, he got his work done on time when he could, and he minded his business. You never talked to him, but you did hold his understated presence in the back of your mind— for the longest you pegged him as a boy who could be pleasant if you got to know him. So, why was he doing this? Why is he hurting you?

You made him your roommate because you thought that he of all people wouldn’t do this. You wanted to be friends. What did you do?

Now he’s violating you after a year of little to no interaction and him being barely there. He knows it’s wrong and you're not fighting him anymore, you’re just laying there, chest heaving and silent.

He lifts his head to plant a wet kiss on your inner thigh and drags his tongue against the soft skin momentarily. He looks at your scared face and gives a crooked smile. He’s sorry, he really is but this feels like a dream to him. You're too good not to take. 

He finds himself positioning his dick right between your folds and rutting against you. You really must’ve given up, your fight is long gone as he holds you down by your pelvic bones—uncut nails breach your soft skin.

Excitement fills his body as your wetness begins to coat his length as he rocks himself back and forth. He’s careful and his breathing is labored.

“I-” He tries and fails. “You never noticed me, but I’ve loved you forever.” He’s shy. Kenma looks down at your stomach, too embarrassed to meet your crying eyes. 

“We went to school together for years...” He trails off, still staring down. He doesn’t have the guts to look at the mess he’s made of you. “I wanted to talk to you, but you wouldn’t like- no. I was scared.” He shakes his head softly and finally meets your eyes. You're still crying. He feels his throat tighten and he doesn't want to talk anymore.

“Don’t look at me like that!” He stops his movements to reach over and pull the pillow from behind you. He puts it over your face and thinks to hold it there, maybe to suffocate you for a second, but he doesn't. He’s already done enough bad. He just lets it sit there, you’re the one to grab it and hold it there. 

You hold it against your face like your life depends on it. You can't breathe very well, but what does it matter? You want him to go away.You want this to end. So, you cling onto that pillow and pretend like you’re anywhere but here.

It’s an illusion that fails quickly. You feel him press his length into you. It’s rushed, it hurts, and he doesn't know what he’s doing. You squeeze the pillow, and his sweaty hands play with your tits. You can feel the tears well up in your eyes. You don’t want this, it’s a nightmare.

He’s not that big, rather small actually, but he has girth. He hopes you can feel it. He moves slowly dragging every inch of himself against your walls. He mouths at your nipples and it feels yucky. At some point you’re sure you feel him lay a wet kiss on your stomach.

You don’t know. It’s over quickly, but it feels like forever.

 His thrusts were sloppy and unseasoned just like everything else he’s done. He’d never had sex before, but he hoped he was good. When he came his body seized and his fingers dug into your sides. He was glad you weren't watching because the embarrassment from coming so fast a second time was much easier to handle. 

You two sit in silence for a while after that, the only audible sound is you sniveling. He watches silently as your body shakes and tucks himself back in, to at least feel decent. It’s like that for five whole minutes until he finally decides to go back to his room. 

In the silence of his own dark room the water works start in full force as he comes to terms with what he’s done. He’s a degenerate who will struggle to sleep tonight.