#GODDAMNIT DAVE

[sarcasticmothdraws]

sighs...

[puddleorganism]

I couldn’t help it. Little comic about my hs au

[yandere-monoma]

guess what's currently being outlined...

[kozzax]

it is truly so healing to rewatch something you love dearly. yes this post is about kipo.

[gunnercule]

usha rao you are everything to me

[image ID: three never stop blowing up screencaps, the first two are of brennan as dave looking offscreen at rekha with the captions “usha, you are my rock, and i am counting on you. okay?” and “needs to tighten up around here! goddamnit!” the last image is rekha as usha rao with her eyebrows raised and the caption “yelling…”.

let me know if this ID needs improvement, thanks]

[gaphic]

dirk being like 'well it sucks i never got to meet bro but at least he died blissfully unaware of my sexual obsession with him, which i can now repress for the rest of my life and Be Normal' then meeting dave and going fuck. fuck. goddamnit. motherfucking shit fuck. FUCK

[arkham-prisoner]

Dave Filoni MUST BE STOPPED!!!

Apparently the new Darkside characters in the Ahsoka trailer are named Baylan Skoll & Shin Hati

Sköll & Hati are the Sun/Moon chasing WOLVES from Norse Mythology!!!

GODDAMNIT DAVE!!!!!

[somberauthor]

calling dave by his middle name.

Dave...

DAVE STRIDER + READER

You had enough. This man has gotten on your last nerve. The fucker ate the rest of your favorite snack.

''DAVID. ELIZABETH. STRIDER.'' You yelled to him, hearing panic shuffling and objects falling.

''uhh... yes, ____?'' He yelled back after having opened his door.

''DID YOU EAT MY -favorite snack name-''

''I uh....'' He paused for a moment, before attempting to not get absolutely pummeled. Maybe even sent to pound-town. ''I'll get you more...''

''Thank you. Just know I now get your apple juice.''

''aw.. goddamnit..''

shit posts are so fun to make...

[corpusdiem-seizethedead]

Oscar Delancey: Goddamnit! How many of you freaks do I have to fight?

Davey: Oh, I’m the only one that matters. See, you messed with my partner. And now? I am going to FUCK you.

Oscar: 😟

Everyone: …

Race: 😏

Spot: Well this just got interesting…

Jack: *whispering urgently* It’s fuck you up, Dave.

Davey: Wait- what did I say?

[petewentzsvaginabones]

goddamnit dave.

[left4deadstuck]

You bite your lower lip. You don't think being straight to the point with Karkat would be a good idea… Though you considered it heavily before ultimately choosing to go with an apology.

Okay… Here it comes.

Dave: hey. Dave: im… sorry Dave: im sorry man

Your voice is quiet. Maybe too quiet, making you think the other didn't hear you. So you look up to glance at the other.

Dave: genuinely i Dave: i didnt think wed see each other like

You don’t get the chance to finish before he raises his hand to cut you off.

Karkat: YOU KNOW IF I WANTED TO WATCH SOMEONE VOMIT THE FLIMSIEST APOLOGY KNOWN TO MAN, I'D GO OUTSIDE AND WATCH ONE OF THE INFECTED ASSHOLES OUT THERE THROW UP THEIR GUTS ONTO THE PAVEMENT. Karkat: AND IT WOULD STILL BE A BETTER "SORRY" THAN ANYTHING YOUR BATTER BRAINED SKULL COULD CONJURE UP RIGHT NOW. Karkat: SO SAVE US BOTH THE EMBARRASSMENT AND SHUT UP FOR GODSAKES

You scowl, back straightening. Goddamnit now you remember. Remember how much of a crabby jackass he is.

Dave: oh Dave: because sitting in the dark while silently death glaring at each other is productive Dave: cause we got all the time in the world to just kick back and do absolutely nothing but seethe at each other Dave: not like i was trying t

Karkat: TO DO WHAT EXACTLY? BE REMORSEFUL? BE ACTUALLY APOLOGETIC WITH NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE DESPITE KNOWING I CAN BE OF USE TO YOU? Karkat: DO YOU HONESTLY TAKE ME FOR SOME KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT?! Karkat: THAT I WOULD EVEN HUMOR THE IDEA THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY SORRY?!! Karkat: THAT I'LL JUST TOSS MY RESENTMENT AND FRUSTRATION OUT INTO THE ATMOSPHERE BECAUSE POOR OL' STRIDER IS JUST A PATHETIC LUMP OF BRUISES! Karkat: *FAT FUCKING CHANCE.* Karkat: YOU COULD BE FOLDED INTO THE MOST DISGUSTING AND AGONIZING EXAMPLE OF HUMAN ORIGAMI AND I'D STILL BE "SEETHING" Karkat: SO YEAH, *I’M SORRY* THAT I DECIDED NOT TO WASTE MY TIME AND ENERGY HEARING YOUR LOUSY ATTEMPT AT A HEART TO HEART

Dave: … Dave: sigh

Once upon a time Jade had asked you and your mutual group of friends to test out the latest version of her new project. A mental inventory system that had a very convoluted retrieval and sorting system. Luckily her team was quick to fix that after your group’s trials with it.

Jade never really told you exactly why, but you always speculated that some people on her team, or well, someone, didn’t really trust your legitimacy enough when signing your NDA. Maybe it shouldn’t have surprised you though, after all you have made a name for yourself with your bizarre level of spectacles you do for the sake of irony.

It did not thrill you to find out the next morning that you would now deal with the living embodiment of “stick up the ass” as your personal bodyguard for however long the trial had to last for. Despite your best efforts to get rid of the guy, you’ve quickly learned a few things about Mr. Vantas here. One of those things being that he is skeptical and stubborn to a fault.

Well, there it goes, your plans being haplessly thrown out the window! Poor sons of bitches didn’t even have a chance-

You hear a snap next to your ear

Karkat: JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU STOP MUMBLING TO YOURSELF FOR A SECOND AND PAY ATTENTION

Dave: what Dave: you have another drawn out monologue about how god awful i am? Dave: are you sure your throat can handle that shakespeare Dave: ya dont exactly have the voice for stage anymore with all that smoke Dave: but lets be real here Dave: its probably a good thing that you cant blow out anyone within a 10 ft radius of you eardrums anymore because you decided to make causal conversation

Karkat: YOU MOUTHY FUCKING PRICK- Karkat: CAN YOU DO THE WORLD Karkat: AND ME ESPECIALLY Karkat: A FUCKING FAVOR TO SHOVE WHATEVER BULLSHIT YOU HAVE IN YOUR WINDPIPE AND FUCKING LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO TELL YOU FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS

Dave: ok sir ill be on my best behavior for "five fucking seconds"

Karkat:THANK YOU, GODDAMN. Karkat: AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO JUST KICK YOUR USELESS ASSES OUT OF MY HOUSE, I DON’T THINK I’LL BE ABLE TO SURVIVE A FIGHT BETWEEN YOUR POTENTIALLY TRIGGER HAPPY HELLSPAWN. Karkat: AND ALTHOUGH I THINK IT’S WITHIN MY RIGHT TO FEEL THIS LEVEL OF BRIGHT HOT ANGER TOWARDS ALL OF YOU… Karkat: SIGHS … I

He looks up at the ceiling as if his next few words are the greatest offense that any higher power could have subjected him to utter.

Karkat: (GOD I MUST BE MORE SICK THAN I THOUGHT.) Karkat: I, FOR SOME REASON THAT SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE SEEING AS I HAVE DEALT WITH ENOUGH OF YOUR TOTAL TRASH FIRE OF A PREDICAMENT, BUT HERE I AM EVER THE GLUTTON FOR MORE SELF-INFLICTED MISERY

Dave: yeah yeah i get it Dave: im a dick get to the point

Karkat: I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE, YOU COMPLETE JACKASS!

Karkat: AND I HATE THAT CAUSE THAT RISKS MY LIFE FOR SOMEONE I ABSOLUTELY DON'T OWE SHIT TO, BUT NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TRY TO THINK OF A REASON TO JUSTIFY IT TO MYSELF I CAN’T. Karkat: I CAN'T LIVE EASY KNOWING THAT IF SOMEONE DIED, EVEN IF THAT SOMEONE IS FUCKING YOU...I Karkat: I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN SURVIVORS GUILT YOU YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

Dave: oh Dave: uh Dave:th Karkat: NO SHUT THE FUCK UP Karkat: FUCKING Karkat: NO!

Karkat: HAVING A SENSE OF COMPASSION STILL DOESN’T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT’S EITHER I HELP OR I DIE. Karkat: DON’T TAKE THE FACT THAT I SOMEHOW STILL HAVE MY MORALS INTACT AS FLATTERY. Karkat: INSTEAD BURY THAT IDEA SO FAR IN THE WORTHLESS SLUDGE YOU CALL A THOUGHT PROCESS UNTIL IT ATOMIZES INTO NONEXISTEN-!

He must've worked himself up. You watch him as he moves out of your space to turn and hack up a cloud of smoke. Well, if this isn’t just the perfect time to digest the clusterfuck he has given you. While it is great that he is going to help you out, he’s doing it out of fear and as fuck up as it is, it’s an advantage you have over him.

Though is it a good idea to go along with that? That could risk him fucking you all over and abandoning all of you last minute. You could gain his trust, maybe offer him something that he might want, but even then what would you give him, you have no clue if you have anything to offer him, not to mention that again, he could still just ditch the plan when the opportunity shows up.

What are you going to do?

===> AUDIENCE

[thegoodthebadthealternative]

The Good, The Bad, and The Alternative: a homestuck fanfiction. Chapter 34, an excerpt:

"Well, that sounds better than no plan, I suppose," Kanaya agreed. "We'll take a table far enough away that you don't feel like we're hovering."

"And we'll keep an eye out for you going mister cool guy mode if you flub too many open and honest type behaviors," Vriska added.

"Goddamnit, you were eavesdropping." Dave sighed, swinging his legs up so he could sit on the counter sideways, able to see both of them. "Was there any part of this convo that actually stayed private?"

"I could lie if it makes you feel better," Vriska said, shoving her hand in her jeans pocket. She pulled out a crumbled fifty-dollar bill. "Is this enough to cover these clothes? Walmart shirts are fine for casual wear, but if I look super schlubby, I'll stand out more."

"Hmm, I think that works out to just enough," Kanaya lied, taking the proffered fifty. She grabbed the security magnet remover from behind the counter. "Dave, can you help her get the tags off?"

"Nah, she's being hella shady." He refused the proffered tool. "Vriska, you're not gonna go gossiping to John about my tragicomic ass behavior, are you?"

"Depends," she replied, idly fiddling with the magnet on her tank top. Casually, she added, "how sure are we that Jade isn't a succubus?"

Kanaya sputtered. "What?"

"Seconded. What?" Dave chimed in.

"Wellllllll, the logic seems pretty obvious to me." Vriska cleared her throat, flicking the security tag onto the counter, which she'd apparently worked free without the magnet remover. She looked up at Kanaya, addressing her directly. "So, picture this. John and I are making cupcakes, right? John's in this cute ruffled apron with flowers on it. Some banter ensues- Dave calls him a housewife, John threatens to withhold the goods if he doesn't quit the jokes, and next thing I know, Dave is literally begging on his knees, hands clasped like a groveling peasant as he praises John's skills."

Dave groaned in embarrassment. "I swear it sounded better in my head as I was doing it."

"Psh, I bet." Vriska waggled her eyebrows. "So. He crawls in close, like just barely out of dick-sucking range, and then they just stare at each other, leaving me smelling way too much information about the direction their thoughts were wandering. John's dad was in the room and the dude totally forgot, his pupils were blown like he was on ecstasy. Absolutely atrocious, he's lucky humans can't smell or see that kind of detail from the other side of the room." 

"Dude, no, he was just staring at my antics. He's straight." Dave shook his head. 

"Do you need me to spell out exactly what I was smelling?" Vriska asked incredulously, whipping her head around to stare at Dave. "Maybe he's just so fucking drawn in by your cool guy shtick that he thinks you're the straight one, so he isn't talking flirty or whatever. But the body keeps the score on that kind of stuff, and he can't hide the reactions happening underneath the skin." 

"But what does that have to do with Jade?" Kanaya asked, trying to draw Vriska's intensity back in her direction. 

"Oh, just that John's first favorite subject was Dave, pre-party. They did that whole rap thing against Tavros and Gamzee, I thought they were two, maybe three drinks away from a successful maneuver on the dance floor. But then Jade shows up, and suddenly John is-" Vriska crossed her pointer and middle finger. "Like this with her for the rest of the party, even though Dave nearly got his brain melted. It was fucking weird . Then he doesn't even stop by to say hi to us, not one, but two days in a row, because he's too busy in the morning getting ready to hang out with Jade? Makes me think, maybe she's pulling some heavy seduction magic."

For a moment, the trio were silent, absorbing Vriska's words.

"Are you a conspiracy theorist? Genuinely asking," Dave said, crossing his arms.

Do you think Vriska is blowing things out of proportion? Read on to find out!

The Good, The Bad, and The Alternative (449733 words) by Madam_Melon_Meow, sarcasticcelery Chapters: 34/? Fandom: Homestuck Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Nepeta Leijon/Equius Zahhak, Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido, Eridan Ampora & Feferi Peixes, Kanaya Maryam & Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde & Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider & Dave Strider, Beta Kids & Beta Trolls, Jade Harley & Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde, Dad Egbert & John Egbert, Kanaya Maryam/Vriska Serket, Eridan Ampora/Dave Strider Characters: John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider, Jade Harley, Becquerel (Homestuck), Kanaya Maryam, Vriska Serket, Karkat Vantas, Terezi Pyrope, Aradia Megido, Tavros Nitram, Sollux Captor, Gamzee Makara, Eridan Ampora, Feferi Peixes, Nepeta Leijon, Equius Zahhak, Virgin Mother Grub (Homestuck), Vriska's Lusus, Gl'bgolyb (Homestuck), Dad Egbert, Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde, Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Aurthour (Homestuck), The Condesce (Homestuck), Serenity (Homestuck) Additional Tags: inspired by Kim Harrison’s The Hollows, Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Humanstuck, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Human Lusii (Homestuck), Alternate Universe - Post-Apocalypse, Demigods, Vampires, multi POV: all beta trolls & humans, The Horrorterrors (Homestuck), Non-Abusive Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, Violence, Magic, Aged-Up Character(s), the kids and trolls range between 16 and 20, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vriska Serket has PTSD, Memory Loss, Scars, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Plot Twists, Unreliable Narrator, Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider Are Not Related, Skaianet Laboratories, beta guardians are not alpha kids and troll parents are not ancestors, monsterstuck, Break Up, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Ship Tags Will Update As They Become Relevant, Good Person Gamzee Makara, Suicide Attempt by Proxy, Dissociation, Victim Blaming, Abusive Parents, sexually active teenagers, Underage Drinking Series: Part 1 of Monsterstuck: Suburban Catastrophe Summary: Three years ago, on John Egbert's birthday, the world ended. Three years ago, Jade Harley and Vriska Serket vanished alongside billions of others. Three years ago, the apocalypse arrived, transforming everything and revealing much that was hidden to those who remained. Three years ago, the meteors (mostly!) missed Houston, and that's where John's headed today. In Houston, Rose Lalonde searches for washed-up traces of magic, warily overseen by Kanaya and her old friend Dave. In Texas, the newly dubbed "alternatives" maintain a newfound alliance with the humans they saved--and a wary truce with the Hunter forces that once kept all these creatures of fable and fairytale a secret from the world of man. And here, in Houston, the world is about to change once again. An urban fantasy monsterstuck AU featuring the beta kids, beta trolls, and their guardians. Updates every other Saturday!

[haveyoureadthisfanfic]

Summary: Dirk has a plan, when he's 18 he's going to take Dave and get him the fuck out of their terrible lives and start over. Until then being the barrier between Dave and Bro is his only job, his soulmate is just going to have to wait goddamnit. Dave has a plan, it involves getting internet famous and not going gay, easy right? Karkat also has a plan, to repeatedly track down his dumb as rocks soulmate and get him to actually talk to him for fuck's sake.

Author: @unda-dsk

Note from submitter: Ok i'm the same person that submitted dayvhe's broken diamond club but i read THIS one first and it changed my brain chemistry for the rest of my life, as most of Unda's fics tend to do tbh they're very good and if you like homestuck you're Required To Read them

[fictionkinfessions]

GODDAMNIT I MISS DAVE

It's getting fucking unbearable. I showed up barely remembering him and as soon as I start reading source memories start flooding in and fuck fuck I miss him more than I should. I want my fucking matesprit back goddamnit

-Karkat ♋🦀 (Fictive)

x

[cmon-staywithme]

“No. NO!” Dave yelled as he dropped everything and ran to the dock where he was just in time to witness his partner Kris plummet to the water like dead weight.

She was an extremely heavy sleepwalker. Being doused by water would not even wake her up, and measures were set in place so that this particular scenario wouldn’t happen. It’s not supposed to happen. Where was Elena? Why did Kris head to bed so early? She never does that before he comes home from work, goddamnit. They should’ve never moved next to a fucking lake.

Frantically stripping off his work blazer, he quickly scanned the spot in the water where Kris went down, the water still bobbing slightly and rippling in every direction. In he dove.

The water, much colder than he expected it to be, was nearly pitch black, and all he had in this moment was the reliance of feeling. Luckily the spot he dove in was the exact place his sleeping partner was sinking, all he had to do was reach out his hands-she should be there. It took a second longer than he’d hoped but his fingertips finally felt the soft strands of Kris’ floating hair…then her face…then her torso, which he wrapped his arm around and sprang upward.

Breaking through the surface, he took in a massive gulp of air, though it hurt his lungs due to the cold. Kris was unmoving in his arms. He wasted no time in swimming to the lake’s edge with one hand, doing his best to keep Kris’ head above the water.

Reaching the grassy edge, Dave paused for a few seconds, catching his breath and finding the strength to drag Kris fully onto the flat grass.

“KRIS,” he yelled to her, shaking her shoulders, “OPEN YOUR EYES! KRIS!”

He didn’t know how long she was under, perhaps a minute or two. But he knew full well that she would’ve taken in water right away in an unconscious state.

He opened her mouth with shaking hands, not knowing, or caring really, if it was from the cold or adrenaline. A small stream of water fell from the side of her lips. He turned her head all the way to the side to let as much out as possible. Turning her head to face him again, he noticed her skin paling by the second.

He brought his ear to her parted lips and waited. Her chest wasn’t rising, he felt nothing on his cheek. There was no breath.

Parting her lips more and pinching her nose, he inhaled deeply and brought his mouth over hers, breathing hard until all his air left him. He pulled away and placed his fingers on her neck. A very faint and thready pulse could be felt. It gave him hope but he knew it wasn’t enough to give the body the blood flow it needed.

“Breathe for me, Kris,” he whispered as he bent down to give her another breath. He watched her chest rise out of the corner of his eye and watched it fall with no return as he pulled away. Immediately he went to working her chest.

One hand over the other in between her breasts he pushed, hard and steady, over and over, breathing out huffs of air with each compression. “C’mon.”

After 30 he stopped, placing his ear onto her soaking chest, the sheer fabric of her night shirt barely getting in the way of his listening. To his relief, he heard her pulse stronger this time, and sat up to check the pulse point on her neck, which felt stronger there as well.

She still wasn’t breathing. And in the middle of giving Kris a breath he heard a voice cut through the air behind him.

“Oh my god!!! Oh my god what happened?!?!?” Elena’s yell rang as she desperately ran toward the scene.

“Call an ambulance and get some towels, NOW. She’s not breathing,” Dave yelled before Elena fully reached them. What he said made her turn on her heals rapidly and run inside.

He returned his attention to Kris and blew hard into her mouth once more. Puling away, he moved one hand to her forehead as he bent his ear to her lips. He closed his eyes, listening, waiting. Nothing.

But he saw something when he opened his eyes. Her hand…it moved. Did it? Yes. And it was moving again. It jerked. She was fighting.

He looked at her face and though her eyes were still closed, her mouth was moving just slightly, as if trying to take in air but her lungs were not getting the signals to expand.

“Breathe,” he said as he dove for her mouth to give her the aid she needed. He breathed hard and then pulled away again. Her head jerked forward and she released a strained croak, still visibly trying to inhale on her own but being unable to.

“That’s it! Give me a breath, Kris, c’mon,” Dave said as he rubbed his knuckles on her sternum and breathed into her lungs once more.

He finally heard that beautiful sound. Kris gave a short exhale and then one long gasp. Her lungs expanding on their own while simultaneously expelling more water that forced its way out of her mouth. Her coughing and gasping was music to his ears.

His relief, though, quickly shifted to anger in wanting to know how. the hell. this could have happened.

………………………………………………

Just a lil something, was in the mood to drag someone out of the water tonight 👀

[jadpp]

"uh, is there suppose to be a giant robot fox dancing in the restaurant?"

gODDAMNIT. THAT FUCKING FREAK AGAIN.

It's fine. I'll get Dave to shoo that damn thing out again.

Sorry about that.