#I WAS LITERALLY UNCONSCIOUS LAST FRIDAY

[feralnightwing]

i am so unbelievably stressed rn it's insane. i have 3 assignments due tomorrow night and one of them is a mini thesis paper for HISTORY. IM SHIT AT HISTORY. i have calc due the next day and a programming quiz I HAVEN'T STUDIED FOR.

who knew passing out a week before and having dizzy spells since would fuck up ur ability to be a functioning student????

[foldingfittedsheets]

Today has been so much. The ren faire decimated me. We returned home, dehydrated, exhausted, and collapsed.

I wanted to just pass out but on the brink of sleep Korben made a sound unlike any I’ve heard from a cat. It was like a scream/sneeze/cough. He didn’t appear alarmed, but the sounded repeated several times last night. Usually right when I’d just dropped unconscious. While laying there I genuinely wondered if I’d wake up to him dead tomorrow.

But he was alive. Only now his horrible sound has diminished in volume then tapered to intermittent sneezes. I made a last minute vet appointment anyway and dragged myself through the day by my fingernails.

At work I tried to pummel information into my brain and I’m still trying to navigate getting a work accommodation from HR which is proving to be a huge pain in the ass.

Left work early to take Korben in to his impromptu appointment. He’s fine. Literally nothing perceptibly wrong with him and as the sound was reducing over time the vet opined that he’d gotten a single dose of something he shouldn’t.

I brought him home and was starving. I shambled my way to a little place that has Korean hot dogs and feasted on junk food to console myself about how long the day has been. Just need to get myself home and I can collapse. I’m so ready to be done. Thank god it’s my Friday.

[ichtios]

03.06.2024

I got back to exposures. I realized that I am ready now. I knew the concept for years, and tried it many times (as you know if you've followed this blog) but I wasn't ready, because I thought the stakes were high. I thought I had so much to loose if I failed. My train of thoughts (not really thoughts, as it was something almost unconscious, some deeply rooted beliefs) was like that: if I fail this it will mean that I don't deserve to be loved, because I can't be "normal" -> my boyfriend will get really tired of me and leave me/my ex-boyfriend will not get back to me -> I will be alone, completely, utterly alone -> which is unbearable and I'm gonna die.

If you make it short it sounds like that: if I fail -> I'm gonna die. Kinda pressure, eh? if I get into this bus, and then have anxiety attack -> I'm gonna die. Yeah, that would make someone really calm. Great way to not be anxious. 12/10 recommended.

So I tried but it was like 2 steps forward 3 steps back. As I already wrote somewhere here (I think) - fighting anxiety from the place of anxiety and fear is a lost battle.

It was in the end of January that I noticed something had shifted. I was no longer experiencing so much anxiety in situations when I would before. Then I realized it is because I have nothing to loose anymore. Nobody cares if I fail or not, if I die or not, if I succeed or be this fucked up way till I die. It is easier to play when the stakes are low, it is much less stressful.

But I still experience anxiety, not that severe, not in all of these little situations that I used to, but still. Because it became a reflex, my body learned it through years, it is habitual. And it is time to unlearn it. Rewire.

I finished working in school last Friday, so I decided I will start in June. And continue for three months. There is no more excuse that I don't have time, because rn I have all the time in the world (I still have lots of my own work, but I can decide when I do it and how much I do it, and I can prioritize exposures over work). The trick with exposures is that you have to to them literally every day. Whether you feel like it or not.

So last 2 days (June 1st and 2nd) I went on exposures, and right now I'm preparing to go for another one. I will post photos from them later because I know Y'all like to see Warsaw from time to time.

I don't really wanna go. Yesterdays exposure was already hard, and I cried through. But I need to at least show up no matter how it will turn out.

Sorry for butchering grammar all over this post, but I haven't been using English lately.

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

GETTING MATCHING NIPPLE PIERCINGS W EDDIE (gender/poc up to you)

You are the literal devil. I will be billing you come Sunday.

Anywhoosies. Eddie Munson x Gender Neutral Reader. This one is short and sweet, but I hope you like it anyhow!

Send me request here! Currently writing for Eddie Munson. I write for a variety of reader inserts (male, female, gender neutral, POC too).

Feel free to look through my masterlist here!

________________________________

You don't know how the conversation came up. You think it might've been after the second beer and definitely before the fourth. But if you're honest, you don't care to remember how it came about. It was just supposed to be a silly fleeting thought. It wasn't supposed to take more air than needed to utter. It wasn't supposed to take on a breath, sprout legs, and come to life. It's all supposed to just be a not fully sober bo9t not tipsy thought that you let slip over your lips after it jumped up your throat and it's supposed to die just as quickly as it's uttered.

But in the time it takes for you to laugh it out, "What if we got nipple piercings? That would be hot," a seriousness and a desire plants itself in Eddie's chest. He manages to laugh with you in the moment but when you crawl into his bed later in the night, taking both pillows to hog leaving Eddie to prepare for the fight that will ensue with your unconscious body for one of the pillows back, Eddie creeps into the kitchen. He settles down at the counter, digging out the phonebook that he's not sure how they acquired--it feels like it's always been like the wrappers and cans--and flips through until he reaches the t's. Tattoo shops being his first line of defense. He'll try P's if nothing else strikes him.

Eddie grabs the white pad that he and Wayne use mostly for grocery list as haphazard as they are, and starts to scratch down names, addresses, and numbers. Only of the places he thinks the van could get there and back and that sound halfway decent to him. Besides, it could be a fun weekend trip to go into the city on a Friday look through the shortlist and then on Saturday make it a day of getting the piercing.

He knows he's doing a lot for something that you may not even actually want, but goddamn does he love the idea. So the least he can do and show you that he's for it.

It's not a shock that you rouse awake before Eddie. You always would. He had a habit of staying up. You weren't sure if he was trying to outlast something--ensuring that he would be the last one awake, or if he was trying to exhaust himself so when he did fall asleep no other thoughts could plague him. However, given the habit, you know he'll be out until almost noon. You creep into the kitchen, knowing Wayne is most likely just getting to sleep or has only been asslep for a couple hours.

Sure enough on the cot, you catch Wayne's sleeping frame and catch just the tail of his snore. You're as quiet as you can be to grab the box of cereal of the top of the fridge--a box you know they only have for you and you get the milk from the fridge with minimal rattle from the door hinge. It feels like any other Saturday morning until you catch the sight of the open phonebook.

Now you're here, sharing a receiver with Eddie to ask shops about healing times, proper after care, shop times after what what supposed to all just be a drop in the universe and never take stake. You don't know whether to thank or curse that beer. You don't know whether or not to thank or curse the universe. But you see the glee in Eddie's eyes as you narrow down to four different shops.

You're picky and Eddie's okay with it only because you're agreeing to the whole plan. He'll let you be as picky as you need to be; it only matters that you keep saying yes each time he asks if you really want it.

"What if I cry?" Eddie asks the question paused outside the glass doors. "If you go first and don't cry, I'm going to look stupid."

You roll your eyes, taking his hand again. "Then you'll just have to look stupid."

He squawks at you, "Hey! You're supposed to tell me it's okay to cry because it's manly to cry and then I'm supposed to say I'll go first and show you it's not a big deal."

"Next time, director, give me a clearer script and I'll follow it," you tease, yanking open the door.

"Welcome in." A lanky man and a shorter woman greet you as you two approach. You smile at them and return a greeting before launching into your desire for a piercing.

The woman nods, "Hazel, I'm the piercer here. I think I remember your voice. Y'all called about a week ago?"

"Eddie," you say pointing over your shoulder and then point to yourself and give your name. You don't even think about the fact that you're still holding his hand until Hazel asks who's going first and Eddie raises boh your intertwined hands.

You sigh. "Him, please tell me he can get a lollypop after. He's nervous."

"I think that can be arranged," Hazel laughs.

The two of you pick out your jewelry. You going with a simple internal threaded bar with what almost look like opals at the end that screw the piercing in place. Eddie goes for silver hoops though Hazel warns they might be a bit rougher to heal. Hazel wavves for Eddie to follow her after all the forms are signed. "Bring them with you," Hazel calls out when she notices it's just Eddie. "I'll let you hold their hand. How does that sound Eddie?"

"Honestly, wonderful." He turns to you and you can see the plea in his big brown eyes--the stare is almost hypnotic and you push out of the leather seat at the front and follow behind.

Hazel is thorough, wiping down the chair. She washes her hands, slips on gloves and then as Eddie remove his shirt. She explains all the steps again, the dots to make sure they're even, the forceps to keep the needle straight as it goes through, the jewellry, her screwing the ends on. It doesn't sound terrible. Not fun, but not horrible.

Eddie's hands shake just a little and you forward, Eddie being in front, to take his pinkie with yours. He squeezes the digit for a second and then loosen the grip, but never letting it fall. Eddie can breathe a bit easier with your touch. You are a buoy. You keep him floating in a thrashing sea.

In the end, Eddie doesn't cry--as in he doesn't blubber during the piercing, but his eyes definitely water and you press a kiss to his cheek when it's done. "A true badass," you tease.

"I know you're teasing me, but it's actually helping so please continue by all means," he returns, bringing the back of your hand to his lips. It's a quick brush before Hazel brandishes a small clear dishes of lollypops. "Oh, fuck yeah."

Hazel winks up at you. "Keep them for the parents that want their daughter's ears pierced. You'd be shocked at how much a piece of candy does the trick."

"I concur," Eddie slurs out around the red lollypop he's chosen.

You slip onto the table after Hazel gets it resantized, gets into a new pair of gloves and grabs new and clean equipment for you. Eddie offers his hands, a wiggle of his digits and brows, but you shake your head no. He pouts. "It's okay if you do," he whispers.

"Do you want me to hold your hand so you aren't the only one who needed it?"

"Absolutely." He says it so definitely and you can only snicker before taking his waiting hand.

Eddie will admit he keeps waiting for the squeeze. But all you do is lay there. Even as Hazel pinches, pierces, threads, and screws into place, you lay there. The only sign that you're in discomfort is the held breath. You release it as Hazel finishes up on the left side and Eddie watches in the mirror as you take in the sight of your new piercing. He smiles when your face lights up.

It is undeniable hot to see your nipples decorated so pretty, but it's going to be a long twelve weeks. Though he wonders now that he's back in his shirt, if it just never wearing a shirt would help make the time go faster.

[faith-less-one]

Hey lovely!

For your WIP game (SO glad you joined me in this!) anything you'd like to share about 'So It's You'? <3

Oh, you KNOW I want to share stuff about "So It's You". ♥

For those of you not in the know... this passage was in my very first Brennan/Cassandra fic (Stargazing) - which I wrote over four years ago:

Unconsciously, he wonders what it would be like if they hadn’t met the way they did. If he didn’t have the anchor in his hand and the fate of the whole world on his shoulders. If he wasn’t a mage and she weren’t a seeker. If he’d just been introduced to her at an Ostwick ball, some very minor member of Nevarran royalty who his mother thought would be an excellent match for her second-eldest son. Would they have flirted? Danced? Would he have stolen her away to a deserted corner of the grounds he barely remembers, to lie and stargaze like this?

And I always had in my head that someday, I might write that AU. No Inquisition, no titles, no powers... Not a mage, not a seeker. But the whole rest of my canon universe kept happening, and so it was always just... a thought.

Then, a little over two years ago, I wrote a short modern AU Brennan/Cassandra ficlet on my birthday (Glad You Exist). And it was so much fun, that on my birthday last year, I was like - "I should write that Ostwick ball fic!". So I started it. And... it ballooned.

It ballooned into a Fantasy-meets-Regency, highly Bridgerton-inspired literal novel (over 75,000 words!). Utterly indulgent, probably entirely ridiculous, and so, so much fun.

Technically I finished it last November, and commissioned ART for it, but I had it in my head to write an 'epilogue' in the style of the Bridgerton second epilogues. Except I kept stalling out and rewriting over and over again, and nothing felt as good as the initial fic did. So I dropped it for a few months. And then recently, I decided eh, fuck it, it doesn't need the epilogue.

But how to post it? It's fourteen chapters and (as I said) 75,000 words, so I didn't want to post it on my normal schedule, because it would take half the year, and that's a long time to go between updates of my regular series. Then, the other day, after posting this WIP game, I decided eh, fuck it. I want to share it!! (With more than just @ooachilliaoo !) So... yup, starting next Friday, I will be. And then a chapter every other week (alternating with my regular fic chapters) right up until Christmas. :D

And in case you've read all of this and aren't horrified... A short, highly indulgent snippet under the cut!!

---

He hears some soft grumbling coming from the other side of one of the hedges. Too quiet to make out any words, but it sounds distinctly… grumpy. And feminine.

“Uh… is everything all right?” he calls out, deciding that announcing his presence is better than attempting to continue to eavesdrop and try to figure out who it is. No one he recognises immediately, at any rate.

There’s a surprised, somewhat irritated gasp from the other side of the hedge. “Excuse me?”

She sounds more confused than outraged, thank the Maker.

“Hello!” he responds, trying his best to sound bright and non-threatening. “Do you need any help?”

He waits for a response, but there is none. Perhaps she’s just in a bad mood and he’s disturbed her from a perfectly acceptable bit of alone time before the ball starts. He grew up with three brothers and a sister, he understands how important a little solitude can be when you’re feeling stressed.

“Sorry!” he calls back, after a few long moments. “I’ll just… I didn’t mean to disturb you. Ignore me. I’ll leave you be.”

“No, wait!” The voice sounds a little frantic. With a Nevarran accent, perhaps? One of Great-Aunt Lucille’s guests. A damsel in distress? “You know your way around this blasted thing?”

“I do!” And then, after a beat. “Would you like me to show you the way out?”

He’s careful not to say the word ‘lost’. It seems like she might be the type of person to take such a thing badly.

There’s a short delay to her response, as if she doesn’t want to admit that she needs his help. And then finally, she makes a sort of grumbling noise.

“I’ll take that as a yes, shall I?” he says, and then, because he imagines she’ll probably want to get this encounter over sooner rather than later, he adds, “Just stay where you are. It’s a bit twisty, but I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Then, without waiting for another response, he continues on, deeper into the maze, toward her. Though he’s still a little wary of coming across other people on the way, he decides whatever embarrassment he might cause would be worth the trouble.

Less than his promised minute later, he turns the corner and finds a lady standing with her back to him. Right where his mysterious damsel in distress should be.

“My lady?”

She turns sharply, and he gets his first look at her.

Her.

Oh.

His heart nearly stops.

This is it, he thinks, when he recovers the power of thought a moment later.

This is that spark he’s been waiting his whole life to feel...

[hotwatch]

Every couple days my partner will ask me “when is voting?” And I, a professional idiot, respond “November??” every time. And then he’ll clarify and I’ll explain (again) that polls last a week each, and new ones go up the next day.

So today is the day the new polls should be up. Except I haven’t done that. Because I have been unconscious, sleeping, as people are wont to do. So upon literally ~seeing my eyes open~ he said, and I quote “oh good you’re finally awake! When is voting?”

Anyway, I’m dating this guy if he were more enthused about the democratic process.

Loser’s bracket round 1 will be up 9am EST tomorrow (Friday)

[consistentsquash]

5 Short Fic Recs for Friday!

happy friday! got some recs for you!! i didn't read a lot but I checked out some fics from other rec lists and read some canon blind subscriptions! that worked out great.

Time Has a Funny Kind of Violence by 2Nienna2. Cho character study. 1000 words. Rated M. Really loved the writing and the Cho POV here. She is drawn to Harry — not primarily because of Harry himself, but because they are, in some way, the same. Knowing that he was there, in the last moments, when she was not, pulls at her with an insistent painful interest. That they both came into contact — for a bit — with Cedric, and thus have a sort of shared fate.

2. Also Spake Zarathustra by eldritcher. 1400 words. Rated G. Ken character study. If you are like me and literally everybody I know you probably heard about the Barbie movie! This rec is not a HP rec... It's a Barbie rec! Ken decides he wants to be Barbie because Barbie is cool and Ken is just Ken! It's actually really sweet and wholesome because Barbie ofc is supportive. Lots of gender and social satire. Also lots of classical music. Highly recommend because it's one of those 20 genres in a trenchcoat type of fic! Don't let the fandom stop you from reading it. It's 110% worth in going canon blind. <3

3. The Snow Child by Asenora. 3000 words. Rated T. Tom Riddle Sr./Merope Gaunt. I got this from @ashesandhackles rec post . Omg loved it. It's a fairytale horror take on Merope/Tom Riddle Sr. Really love how the author got the vibe of the fairytale to match the fic perfectly. Also love how the writing says a lot w/o saying a lot. ‘You may think you have him now,’ she says to herself. ‘But one day he will give me a child with skin as white as this snow.’

4. Contredanse by Jay Tryfanstone. 4000 words. Rated T. Caroline Bingley/Elizabeth Benett. Omg love the ending. Love the Elizabeth POV. Love everything! I am actually on a Tryfanstone reading binge this year. One of my all time fav authors and love them so much so ofc reading everything. Thus Elizabeth's view of Miss Bingley evolved. It was clear, she believed, that being of a subservient nature, Miss Bingley had followed the unconscious lead of others.

5. Hunting the Unicorn by therealsnape. 10300 words. Rated M. Minerva McGonagall/Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank. I got this from @kellychambliss rec post. Love the characterizations and the banter. Omg the banter! It's on the longer side compared to the other fics on this list but don't miss out on it! Highly recommend if you want some snarky Friday vibes! Thanks to Old Jeremy, Pye was a king. He was a god. He was officially the best thing since Merlin and tea in a bag.

[athousandmorningss]

Friday thinkin'

I went to an elective faculty meeting about difficulties in the classroom: a two hour session of basically just spitballing about ways to respond to students. I waffled about going and literally verbally talked myself into it: "maybe you'll make a new friend, maybe you'll learn something new, maybe you'll have fun" and went. I've been talking myself into a lot lately. I am starting to become a woman of my word, which has always been a difficult thing given my anxiety and desire to cancel or do the more comfortable/easy thing.

What struck me most was the comments from an assistant professor in nursing: she had the most thoughtful and nuanced feedback. " try to respond to student anger with empathy," she advised, "anger is always about fear."

I also signed up for the gym on campus (free) which will pair nicely with the cycle classes I've been doing. Those are soooooo difficult but they give me much needed cardio: I feel a shoulder's back relaxation after I do them, too.

-

Met with my therapist yesterday. I quite like her--she's interesting and advocates that she wants to help me harness skills that make me feel like I'm in the "drivers seat of your own life." She gave me quite a few exercises to try, and we also discussed my recent entanglement with a man: how he's been unreliable, how I've tried to create boundaries, how ultimately I feel like a body. "But he's such a good kisser!" I kept saying. "well, lots of people are" she retorted, and "it sounds a bit like you are objectifying him, too." OOOh sis. Okay.

The big pull I have toward the man is about kissing. I spent four years in a marriage with a man who fucked me like I was a sex doll: very little foreplay often painful, just ugh. New dude is quite the opposite: we literally kiss for hours, hours and hours and hours of foreplay. Just playing around in new positions: so much touching and feeling and reaching for, with an unhurried pace. It is markedly and notably different than almost all experiences I've had with men, but particularly with my ex, and it feels like it is addressing an unmet need that sits in my psyche.

But I also know that I'm just a body and that he is just a body: that nothing will come of this, and that he seems to have very little interest in me as a human being. I'm wondering if my own interest in him is even genuine, or if I'm drawing it up as a kind of rational and defense for what I really like most about him: our sex together.

Anyways. I did the thing I'm sure my therapist will mull over when I see her next: I invited him over after spin class last night. We spent four (4!!) hours in various spaces of my apartment doing all kinds of things that I keep having flash backs to. It was fucking divine, and playful, and sexy and fun. But it comes at the price of not being a full human being to him, and him to me. I'm grappling with wondering if it's a "short term fix with a larger consequence" as therapist advises me to pay attention to, or I can come to a space where I just acknowledge and am okay with what it is and how it is serving me (and him).

-

I've been doing a lot lately: a lot of exercise; a lot of events; a lot of time spent with friends; and pulled together a list of goals for February I want to meet. I'm thinking about how this sudden involvement with so much activity is concurrent to meeting the above man. I wonder if unconsciously I am trying to impress him or make him interested, which makes me reconsider how much I'm doing is about/for me. This kind of behavior is a cornerstone of codependency. It makes me wonder: what would I be doing if no one was looking? What would I be doing if I wasn't trying to impress a man? Is that why I'm doing what I'm doing?

These are painful things to consider. But I'm trying to be real with myself.

[jakeabel]

help preparing for fob by friday is rotting my brain fr. i keep on having fall out boy haunt me in my unconsciousness as well like i am having dream after dream about them 😭😭😭 my recent one was a fucked up one it was essentially about the band trying to escape a boathouse??? they weren’t even playing any instruments but dream me watching it i guess just went “oh this is just a classic old fob music video :)))”. maybe it’s a sign i am indulging a bit too much into fob but either way i still won’t stop

LITERALLY i had a dream last night that i met joe at a record store and was super awkward :( is it not enough for these men to torment us in real life must they invade our subconscious as well 😔

[thechronicpaingame]

Had what I believe was a mini adrenal crisis this morning (and probably left any longer without me realising would've ended badly / hospital trip). I have never felt that way before and honestly? Terrifying. My brain couldn't work, couldnt really talk, walk and could not physically keep my eyes open. Was stumbling, falling. Nausea, bad stomach. Luckily I took a triple oral dose of steroids and kept it down. Taught me a very big lesson to always from now on have my emergency injections on me.

Basically my GP messed up the timing of my prescription (my tramadol). And then I got it after missing a dose, but my head was so scrambled I accidentally didn't have last night's and this morning's (instead I had double my pregabalin 😬) and the whole thing / withdrawal caused a mini crisis. I say mini only because I managed to get myself out of it without hospital intervention, but there was nothing mini about the symptoms. Honestly truly believe if I'd not realised and triple dosed when I did, my mum would've arrived home to me unconscious / dead. Just your casual Friday morning huh. I am beyond exhausted, drained, and have felt truly shocking all day. But at least I'm finally "sorted" and realised my med mistake so should be okay going forward. However, great real life event to tell my GP how dangerous it is that they keep messing my scripts up and how withdrawal may actually literally kill me right now.

[thotful-opinions4u]

Rules: Make a new post and spell out your URL with song titles, then tag as many people as there are in your URL (honestly I did not follow that rule)

Tagged by: @future-dregs - Thanks, dear!

T - "The Town's Been Talkin'" by The Maine

H - "Hannah" by Freelance Whales

O - "Over My Head" by The Fray (has been stuck in my head for like two weeks out of nowhere. I can't remember the last time I heard this song)

T - "Thank You for the Venom" by My Chemical Romance / "The Anthem" by Good Charlotte

F - "Friday I'm In Love" by The Cure

U - "Uptown, Get Around" by Stereo Skyline / "Untouched" by The Veronicas

L - "Let Go" by Boys Like Girls

-

O - "Open Your Eyes" by Snow Patrol

P - "Planetary (Go!)" by My Chemical Romance / "Poison & Wine" by The Civil Wars

I - "I Only Wanna Talk to You" by The Maine / "I Just Wanna Run" by The Downtown Fiction

N - "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner" by Fall Out Boy / "Northern Downpour" by Panic! At The Disco

I - "(The) Internet Killed the Video Star" by Drop Dead, Gorgeous (and yes really ir has the '(The)' in the title, so it always lists this song as coming up under 'i' titles)

O - "Our Lawyers Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued" by Fall Out Boy

N - "Never You" by Watchout! There's Ghosts

S - "Set the Fire to the Third Bar" by Snow Patrol & Martha Wainwright / "Snowglobe" by Owel

4 - "Dare 4 Distance" by nevershoutnever (doesn't start with it but it does have the literal number 4)

U - "Unconscious Reality" by Artist vs Poet / "Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie

tagging: anyone who wants to do it + @bipolarhawkeyepierce @genderqueer-klinger

[tignya]

Pictures of my cat because I can't sleep and I miss her(will be seeing her Friday) and my grandma(just died Saturday) a lot a lot

Below is venting

My brain is fucked. I have a test in the morning, can someone hit my head over with a bat so I can fucking sleep. I'd be off my phone trying to sleep but all I can think of is my grandma. She won't see me get my bachelor's, she won't see my sister's future kids, no more zoo trips, no more listening to her watch mass on Sunday mornings. I always told her she needed to get hearing aids as we all had to shout for her to hear us, I can't believe I'll miss shouting in frustration after repeating myself 3 times. I'm just glad I gotta keep my promise. She didn't want me to bring Florence to the rehab(pt rehab not drug rehab) where she was healing as last time she was at a different rehab center all Florence did was hide under the bed. I even asked the front desk 4 days before she died what the policy on bringing in pets was. All I'd need to do is bring in her vaccination records.

I even took a picture of Florence right before heading up to the hospital to say our goodbyes. She wasn't conscious, and we all knew she wouldn't wake back up. But I still took the picture in case she did.

I was very distraught at the end, it's the first time I cried tears that weren't from a meltdown in fucking goodness knows how long. I wish I called her more often when she was at rehab, more time before the end and all that.

I know it was more for me than anything else at this point, but I did let them see each other one last time before they pulled the plug. She was unconscious and probably brain dead and Florence is a cat, but the doctors let me bring her to the hospital so they could see each other. My sister's husband took me to get her at first because i don't have a working car currently, but shit was going bad so we had to go back. My dad eventually let me borrow his car so if I missed it, no one else would miss it too. I was speeding so fast down that highway, each message on my phone made me freak out thinking it was my dad telling me I was too late.

But I got her back in time. The head nurse said "are you trying to get me fired?" when she saw my holding Florence with her leash on. Not even in the carrier, not enough time. But we went up, I wrapped Florence in a towel so it looked like I was holding a baby, and they got to see each other one last time. I'll never forget how Florence actually stayed on grandma's lap, she didn't even try to run anywhere. She was terrified of all the people, but I think in some animalistic cat way, she did know that grandma was dying very very soon. I'm so happy the doctors broke this rule for me.

On another note. I fucking hate ESA's and how people think they're the same as service animals(they're NOT) but despite my hatred, I'm gonna actually turn Florence into an ESA so I can bring her into the dorm. I was literally with her all weekend and even on Monday, but I really need her 24/7 right now. I wish I could put all my college classes on hold and just stay home and grieve.

Wish me luck on my general ecology test I didn't study for in the morning.

[wabisabireiki]

The scorpion and the moon

Dearest, I signed up for a Friday the 13th (9/13/24-flash sale tattoo with my regular artist). Felt around on their flash for what sang to me and there was a little scorpion holding a crescent moon and star. My mom is a Scorpio and I've been trying in my own ways to smooth over the challenging aspects of our relating that has gotten courser over the years through my healing process ( and no doubt her unspoken gilt and shame). He, my artist booked me out a few days after the 13th and it fell on the day before the full moon. The timing was perfect though not on the 13th. I was his last appointment for the day and we spent my session catching up and talking about Preacher ( the show), mutual acquaintances, life, movies etc.

About a week before that I had listened to the diary of a ceo podcast with Andrew Huberman, and in it Andrew talked about how much relationships were such a big part of his life. In the talk he says he texts certain people ( not family) every morning. And that those morning texts between he and his friends are such important aspects of his life. IMO: Connection is becoming harder to navigate in this modern world because it is full of false alarm distractions/ exploitations. I have since started to text my mom every morning. Just a "Have a good day, or hi, hello", etc. I noticed she always responds in a way that I sense makes her feel cared for. I'd been sharing with her a lot about my Jung animus studies when I see her, which has also been with more consistency as of late.

A few years ago when my mom went on a short stint of leaving her Christianity to discover new age spirituality, she got her reiki certification and had begun to search outside of a religion. One time we went to a metaphysical shop and we both got tarot readings from a gifted psychic. When it came time to get my reading the psychic asked my mom to give us some privacy. She then relayed to me in a question, that there was something in the relationship with my mother that had greatly affected me and was more or less containing/ holding me back? I had never considered this before. I was blindsided and confused. Over the next couple of years I would delve deep into my unconscious ( Scorpio territory) and I would see, especially recently that I inherited so much from my mother's unconscious ( NO DIVING, as the sign says). As I continue to excavate the depths, what I see specifically now in this timing is how much my thoughts, feelings, sensations, and emotions were just copied and pasted over to my blueprint. Once you see it, you SEE IT.

This full moon eclipse for me is the culmination of all I have seen and felt that is not mine. There is a lot to leave behind ( not in abandonment) but in recognition that it is not mine. It is not me and I don't need to do something with it ( like remove it, fight it, condemn it). I find it hysterical that I took this pic to show someone my tattoo and it had the 'no diving 'sign in the background bc I was reading by the pool. It brings me back to so many childhood memories of growing up in El Paso near the mountains and all the run- ins I'd had with scorpions. 🦂 Never did get stung, but specifically one memory we went swimming at a family friend's and there was an alive scorpion just chilling at the bottom of the pool! They are always diving!

The great reckoning is going "OH! This beautiful substance ( in my metaphor a scorpion) that is within the scorpionic symbol- is indeed poison in one state and especially when it is retaliatory. It's other function(s) is/are heavy ( dangerous, of great pressure) exploration, adaptability, deep knowing, courage, power, resiliency and of course transformation."

A medicine. A magical alchemical process.

I find when my mom and I get together I am telling her a lot about the animus lately ( very virgo/ pisces axis) I see her intrigued and guarded.

This little tattoo is literally a symbol that I hold the rights to my self empowerment, which I am ironically just realizing that is what most of my tattoo's symbolize. It's still pleasing to me to think, "remember that one time I had no idea I was letting all of these attachments run my unconscious beliefs?!".

And how just this year an intentional mastery of said thoughts, feeling sensations, and emotions would be my focus.

CHEERS to all the scorpions out there, you continue to be one of my most beloved teachers and guides. And my South node in ♏️ 🥂

[theplatinumprincess]

Sep 9th, 2022

TW

Today marks 1 year of my last su1cide attempt. I had an 0verdose. And honestly, I fear I won't be strong enough to not try again.

Last year I was working on a toxic environment, with an abusive boss who used to scream at me and accusing me to flirt with her husband (which never happened). I was feeling miserable in my own body, I wasn't able to find myself pretty, I could only see an ugly whale everytime I looked at the mirror. I was in a problematic relationship with a manipulative and mythomaniac ex-boyfriend and I had excluded myself from all my friendships, I wasn't talking to anyone, I was really lonely. The only thing that kept me alive was this relationship and the fact that on September 7th I was going to watch Avril Lavigne, my biggest idol, live.

One day after the show I was depressed again. i was lonely again. I was so stressed out that my hair was literally falling down. The only people I was close to were my parents and my ex-boyfriend A. That day I received a message from A saying "we're breaking up, I don't love you anymore". My world fell apart. He and my ex-fiancee were the only guys I genuinely loved. It was too much to handle and I decided to take more pills than I was prescribed. i got to sleep. The next day, a Friday, I didn't attend to my job bc I woke up almost 12p.m. and tried again, but this time in the hard mode. It was working. I was finally relieved. My best friend saved me, she took me to the hospital, I was unconscious. I still feel guilty for seeing her and my parents crying over my weakness. Istg I don't ever wanna see them like that again.

I could never imagine in one year I wouldn't be working in the same place, I would be living alone in other country, living like the adult I always dreamed of. I could say I am living my dream (or kinda) now. But something is missing still. I can't feel happy and this suffocates me. I can't feel enough and it's like everyone is thriving but me. It's like if my life was a void I am trying to fill with parties and purchases. I simply don't feel good. But I'm trying to feel greatful for being here.

[thedoctorisinlove]

eddie munson ; arguing with you headcanons

genre : bit of angst

pairing : eddie munson x gender neutral reader

disclaimer : mentions of making out

author's note : request i received from wattpad! 3 seperate people have requested me this. thank you for requesting and i hope you enoy. :)

⋆ arguments with eddie are basically just all over the place. most of the arguments you guys have are just banters of random shit or disagreements.

⋆ small arguments with eddie are lighthearted, you guys are probably stuck on agreeing what scoops ahoy flavor is superior than the other or bickering what movie you should watch during your friday movie nights together. it never lasts too long and just really lots of teasing from each party. maybe a few sarcastic remarks from eddie now and then when you both decide on a movie to watch. "oh great! i just love this movie." but you know he isn't actually pissed or upset, he just likes making things more dramatic than it is.

⋆ if you guys are having a serious argument, oh my god what the fuck happened. it takes a lot of shit for eddit to become aggravated.

⋆ there's going to be a lot of shouting on both sides (mostly eddie). despite his anger, he's still in control and mindful of his words that he's saying to you. he knows that words cut deep so he makes sure he isn't calling you insulting names. he is usually not the type to be a gaslighter, he puts your feelings in account. however it does depend on the situation, i feel he would unconsciously switch it up about himself in some parts.

⋆ he'll be laughing a lot if you say a stupid point to him and mocking you though 😭.

⋆ he won't be raising his voice too much but it's still very high at you. "why would you think that's going to be okay with me?" most of the time followed with a string of curse words from eddie too. his eyes would look at you tiredly once he's done with his tantrum.

⋆ but c'mon, let's be honest to each other. eddie being angry is absolutely fucking hot and i'm not going to try deny it, i'm annoucing it to the world i would do anything to get shouted from this man.

⋆ to wrap this entire argument up, just flicker your eyes down to his lips and then eyes and so. it's going to result in a make out session. it's like, physically impossible to eddie to be angry at you for a long period of time. it's just not in his nature.

⋆ again, eddie is very mindful. especially his actions and recgonizing how you probably felt in that situation. he's able to recgonize his faults (we love a self aware king) so after literally eating you out, he will not hesitate to apologize to you. he's not going to put on a proud front, expecting you to apologize to him because he knows he's the one that fucked up. in a way, he's proudful of him for that.

[the-cooler-kira]

Afar || Jotaro Kujo x Reader (2/3)

cw: female reader, yandere jotaro: stalking, manipulation, obsessing. unedited

summary: (post-SDC) jotaro needed to see his darling, and he needed to have her now more than ever.

Part 1 | Part 3 | MASTERLIST

Egypt left Jotaro a changed man. Sure, not much had changed but he certainly wasn't as cool-demeanoured as he was before, and his grandfather picked up on it.

Throughout the trip, he often found his mind wandering to thoughts of you. It was mainly when he didn't need to be completely on guard, which was rare, but the more he fought powerful stand users the more he couldn't get you out of his head.

That was one thing that hadn't changed: his infatuation- no, his obsession with you.

The thought of you being harmed just for knowing Jotaro terrified the delinquent. It was bad enough he had to chase off his obnoxious fangirls that sometimes verbally harassed you. Now with the possibility of another stand user that potentially wasn't afraid to physically harm you?

The two of you had become close during the second year of school and even ran into each other a few times during summer break. Granted, it was entirely planned thanks to Jotaro's stalking but you didn't need to know that.

Now, we know what happened to Jotaro at the beginning of third year... but you don't. You remember being confused due to his sudden disappearance for three or four days, only to find out he had been arrested. That alone should have been a red flag. You waved it off because you found out through his obsessive fangirls, so you thought it was some sort of rumour.

Then, the last time you saw him before he left for Egypt he was carrying the new transfer student out of school. He had actually been pretty nice to you, helping you carry your books and striking up conversations as you had some common interests. Why was he unconscious and slung over Jotaro's shoulder?

If you didn't need to be in class that day, you would have walked out and followed them.

Who knows what would have happened? Maybe you'd end up finding out why Kakyoin was nearly beaten to death. Maybe you'd end up finding out why Jotaro had looked enraged. Maybe you'd end up finding out that DIO somehow found out about you and used Kakyoin to get under Jotaro's skin, not realising the latter was ready to do anything to protect you. Maybe you'd find out why Jotaro was always trying to protect you. Maybe you'd find out that Jotaro was completely jealous, and he didn't even realise Kakyoin wasn't just there to make him feel such a way until after he pulled out the flesh bud.

Maybe, maybe not.

You were going to ask him about it the next day, but he disappeared once more. This time for a longer period. Did he move schools? Was he kicked out? What on earth happened?

Those questions went unanswered until one day after school: you were walking home, thankful it was Friday, preparing to do nothing but chill out. All you wanted to do was read and bask in the beautiful sunset. Needless to say, you couldn't believe your eyes when you saw none other than Jotaro Kujo himself hanging around outside the front of your house.

"Jotaro..? Is that actually you?" You called out, slowly approaching him. His head snapped up at the sound of your voice, allowing you to see his electric eyes under the brim of his hat he never took off, and he was as unreadable as ever.

"(Y/N)," he muttered. He straightened his posture as you reached him.

"What are you doing? Where have you been?"

"Family emergency. I don't wanna talk about it." There was a sense of extremely rare vulnerability behind his gruff voice and drowsy eyes. The aquamarine eyes stared for what felt like an eternity, just long enough to make you want to keep staring.

Taking a closer look, you realised his uniform covered an abundance of bandages. Considering he literally just said he doesn't wanna talk about it, you decide not to ask.

"I- what are you doing outside my house?" You decide to ask instead. He didn't answer- well, he refused to answer. He couldn't. Not yet.

It was obvious he needed something, someone. Whether it was the subtle way he shifted on his feet, or tapped his fingers against the side of his leg. You didn't have the heart to turn him away. Not that he'd let that happen.

It was the first time he had actually been inside your home, after years of following here to the point where he knows every single route to get here, he was finally inside and he was actually invited! His heart was going haywire in his scarred chest.

Observant, he silently followed you as you showed him around the house. You had a feeling he'd be here for a while.

You had been sat on the sofa for a while now, talking about the random drama and class notes he missed while he was away while the radio played some mellow songs occasionally interrupted by the host of the station. It was surprisingly relaxing, and Jotaro seemed much more at peace than he was a couple hours ago.

"Nothing happened to you while I was gone, right?" His sudden question took you aback.

"Happened to me?" You echoed.

"Yeah."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, bad. You weren't threatened or anything, right?" His voice made it sound as though he was trying to reassure himself, rather than you.

"I mean, some weirdos were flirting with me the entire time you were away- they were really pushy about it. Gave me the creeps." If that wasn't enough to infuriate the boy sitting next to you, what you said next definitely achieved that. "They said something about finally having their chance because my guard dog wasn't around? I'm not exactly sure what they meant by that though."

Jotaro knew exactly what that meant.

"Good grief," he muttered.

"Pretty weird, right?" You laughed awkwardly, trying to deflect the subtly rising tension.

"Yeah."

If it weren't for the radio humming in the background, you'd be sitting in total awkward silence.

He felt the need to break said silence. He wanted you to keep talking. Your presence alone was calming, watching you read every day was enough until you formed some sort of connection.

"Hey, Jojo?" Oh god. The way you say his nickname did something to the ever-so-stoic boy, not to mention it was the first time you ever called him that. Your voice was like classical music to his ears; angelic, soft.

Finally, he looked up to meet your adorable and curious eyes. You were just too cute!

"What happened to that Kakyoin guy?"

Oh.

The sudden question made him inwardly panic, which resulted in him accidentally stopping time. What was he going to say? Would you care about what really happened to him? He cursed at himself for being so caught off-guard. Wait- that meant you knew about interaction they had at school. This could go wrong very quickly. Were you a stand user?

Time resumed once more and he couldn't bare to look at you. Somehow, he thought of an idea.

"I can't tell you all the details, but long story short... he's not with us anymore." His eyes concentrated on the floor by your feet, for the first time ever he didn't have it in him to look at you.

"Not with us?" You echoed. "Did he hate our school so much he decided to transfer again?"

Oh how innocent and naïve you were. It only intensified Jotaro's need to protect you.

"No, (Y/N), the world is a dangerous place and he's no longer alive. Somebody murdered him." His sweet voice contradicted the blood-curdling news he brought.

You were mortified. How could someone do such a thing!? You didn't even know what to say. Why? Why on earth would someone kill a random secondary school student?

You barely knew the guy, but your eyes started watering regardless.

"Why..." your now crestfallen demeanour made Jotaro's heart ache for you. Did he feel guilty telling you this? Absolutely. Did he have you right where he needed you? Of course.

You were in a vulnerable state, so naturally he was going to take advantage of it. He told himself it would be worth it in the end.

"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this," he apologised sincerely.

"No, don't be. I'm just glad I wasn't left in the dark," you started. "I just don't see why a person would do such a thing! He seemed like such a great guy."

Jotaro tried to ignore the pang of jealousy he briefly felt. That feeling was quickly replaced with concern when he saw a tear swim down your cheek.

"Murderers don't discriminate."

At his words, you buried your face in your hands. Barely a second passed when you felt a large and warm comforting hand on your back, slowly moving in a heart-warming attempt to comfort you. It was somewhat working.

"(Y/N), listen to me. I- god, how do I say this..."

His tone was softer than before, so you looked up at him to see he had somehow become more dishevelled in appearance as he ran his free hand through his wavy, jet-black hair. It was the first time you had ever seen him break his cool-demeanoured façade.

You'd be lying if you said you didn't find him attractive, especially because he so conveniently happened to be sitting where the golden sunset

"There- uh, I... oh, good grief." He muttered to himself, refusing to meet your concerned eyes. What was going on with him?

On the outside, he seemed like he just couldn't get the words out, or at least he didn't know how to phrase what he wanted to say... which wasn't a total lie.

On the inside, however, he was freaking out. Why was he stuttering? Why couldn't he get the words out? Why couldn't he look at you? Why does he feel like this?

So guilty, so conflicted, so... scared.

He knew he could get what he wants when he wants, no matter what it is. Either way he was going to have you, whether you like it or not. Whether you like him or not.

"I need to tell you something," he took a sharp inhale. "Fuck."

"Just say what's on your mind, Jojo." You offered a sweet and innocent smile, returning the physical affection with a doting arm around his shoulders. Oh how he wanted to speak his mind: tell you every single obsessive thought he's ever had about you.

He refrained, for now.

"I... I want to be the one to protect you." He put his hand over your hand that rested on his arm and carefully continued, "I've seen some shit over the past couple of months and, to be honest, I've liked you for a while now. I always get this feeling in my gut and heart that I need to protect you."

In all honesty, he hadn't planned on being this honest with you. He almost felt like he was regressing in how he used to be: awkward, wearing his heart on his sleeve. As a result, he inwardly panicked, but was quickly calmed when he heard your response.

"I mean, you always make me feel safe so... I'd love that, Jojo."

Heart hammering in his chest, his head shot up to meet your genuine gaze once more and, he didn't realise at first, he accidentally manifested Star Platinum out of pure excitement and total euphoria. He was ecstatic! His whole life had lead up to this very moment!

Swallowing the lump of emotions in his throat, he took your delicate hands into his calloused ones and offered you a barely noticeable smile.

"I can't tell you how honoured I am, (Y/N). I promise you I'll protect you at every cost, no matter what."

You didn't realise at the time how true he was to his word, how he truly meant what he said. What could go wrong?

He's being a normal boyfriend, it's their job to always look after you.

He's only protecting you, (Y/N).