#I am *very* socially burnt out at the moment

[riftdancing]

.

[monzabee]

sunday blues – ms47 (+18)

masterlist || part 1 || part 2 ||

Summary: The one where Mick helps you the best way he knows when you’re feeling insecure.

Pairing: mick schumacher x vettel!reader

Word Count: 4.2k

Warnings: angst, crying, cursing, fluff, insecurities and self-depreciating thoughts, smut, unprotected sex (wrap your willy, don’t be silly!), google translate german, praise words, minors dni!!

Request: “Hello! I am so obsessed with your recent fic with Mick and Seb's daughter, so I was wondering if you could write something where she is feeling very insecure and stressed and he just kind of helps her through her feelings, maybe something smutty to show her how much he lovers her body or something?👀”

Author’s Note: hi, hey, hello!! this request has been sitting in my inbox for longer than i’d like to admit, but i’m so happy i got it done! it’s been a while since i wrote smut so if it doesn’t make sense i sincerely apologise, but as always thank you to the anon for the request and i hope you guys enjoy! good morning, noon or night wherever you are, xoxobee

Please also note that all of my works are protected under copyright, and not available for reposting on other platforms.

Mick didn’t expect to find you the way he did when he was leaving your flat to take Angie on her morning walk, he really didn’t – because when he was leaving this morning, after having kissed you goodbye while you were still asleep, everything seemed fine. And although he is not the one to stress in these type of situations, his mind automatically goes to the worst possible scenario when he comes home to you crying on your couch in your bathrobe. So he does the expected, he asks whether you hurt yourself – the answer is no. Did something happen to anyone from your family? Nu-uh. Is it social media related? Nope. Did someone physically did something to you? No Mick, you locked the door before you left the house.

Every possible question that comes to his mind being met with a negative answer from you has him perplexed to say the very least, so he takes a seat next to you and offers what he’s sure will put you in a better mood; cuddles. With you in his arms and Angie on your lap, you do feel better, but he makes sure to ask any other possible option that comes to his mind.

“Did you try to bake cookies again?” His voice wanders off, his fingers running through the ends of your braid.

You lightly punch his arm, and then return your attention back to petting Angie as you pout and mumble out, “My cookies were not burnt, they were lightly toasted.”

He lets out a sigh, and after pressing numerous kisses to your hair to coax you, he gently raises your chin up for you to meet his eyes. “I give up, please just tell me what’s bothering you, hase.”

There’s a fresh wave of tears accumulating in your eyes, threatening to fall down your cheeks, and it absolutely makes his heart clench. You lightly push yourself out of his arms, careful not to disturb the dog sprawled on both of you guys’ lap, “Nothing, you’ll think it’s stupid.”

“No I won’t,” he promises, fighting you in order to gather you back into his arms, but you’re not above fighting dirty – meaning using your nails to keep him away. “Are–” He takes a moment to pause and clear his throat, “Are you on your period?”

Mick watches as your lips part and a sound of indignation break free from the back of your throat. Without bothering Angie too much, you turn in your place to swat at his chest as you hiss, “You are an ass, Mick.”

“Bu– I didn’t mean –” He scrambles to get out, but you’re already walking towards your bathroom, and all he can do is watch you walk away from him. This time, his eyes meet Angie’s, and he can swear his dog is giving him the biggest side-eye known to mankind, but he can only breath out a, “I messed that one up big time, didn’t I?”

Angie gets up from his lap to walk towards the bedroom. Mick soon follows closely behind towards the bathroom.

You can hear his knocks and a faint Can I come in?, through the closed bathroom door, but as you try to tame the mess that is your hair, you call out to him, “No!” And because Mick is a gentleman, and arguably the best boyfriend in the universe, he actually waits outside the bathroom. Eventually, though, you feel bad making him wait outside by the door and with a final glance in the mirror, you stomp a few steps and push the bathroom door open, revealing Mick's concerned face.

“I’m sorry,” he starts, but before he can continue with the rest of his sentence, you cut him off with yet another swat of your hand to his chest and another fresh wave of tears.

“I am not, and I repeat – not, on my period.” With a final hit to his chest, you walk back to your previous spot in front of the sink and try to brush the knots in your hair.

Wincing at the way you’re aggressively dragging the brush through your hair, Mick walks towards you to stand behind you at the sink and gently takes the brush out of your hand. “Here, let me do it.” And though you don’t want to admit, he’s gentle yet successful as he brushes your hair out for you. With his eyes occasionally drifting to watch you over the bathroom mirror, he dutifully manages to finish brushing your hair, and soon after you are back in his arms as he wraps them around your middle. “Now, are you going to tell me what’s been bothering you?”

You shake your head with another sniffle, “It’s not important.”

“Hase, please,” he practically begs as his attention is drawn to your puffy eyes, “it is important if you’re still crying over it.”

With a guilty look on your face and an apprehensive voice that absolutely breaks his heart, you mumble, “You really want to know?” This time it is you who is meeting his eyes through the mirror to see him nod sheepishly, and as you occupy yourself with his fingers you find yourself mumbling again, “My, uh, my boobs are too small.”

“Your what, is what?” Mick stammers in surprise, blinking at the unexpected confession. His expression shifts from confusion to realization, and his fingers tangle themselves with yours. “Hase, are you serious?”

You can feel the heat rising in your cheeks, embarrassed by your own admission. “Yes, and don’t call me that.”

“What?” With more confusion he stammers out, “I– I thought you liked it, it’s cute.”

He watches you let out a soft whimper, and then throw your head back against his chest in frustration. After sniffling and, yet, another fresh wave of tears, which Mick quickly wipes away as he keeps his gaze locked to yours, “I’m not supposed to be cute.”

“Oh?” he asks, “And what are you supposed to be, then?”

“I don’t know!” The sudden sob breaking out from the back of your throat has his eyes widening in surprise, and also concern – but for the first time that morning, you seem to be talking about what’s been wrong, so he has no intention to interrupt you. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be anymore! I can’t be too perfect or too flawed, too confident or too uncertain; people have opinions and they are not afraid to voice them, so I end up feeling not enough for the majority of time.” Mick’s hold tightens around as you let out a particularly violent sob, “And my boyfriend has bigger boobs than me!”

Mick's eyes widen in both surprise and disbelief as your last sentence tumbles out, and for a moment, there's a pause in the air as he processes your words. “So you’re sad, because you think your boobs are not big enough?”

“Well yeah,” you mumble, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious under his gaze. “I told you you’d think it’s stupid.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid,” Mick announces, “everybody gets insecure sometimes; what I don’t understand is why on earth you would compare yourself like that.” Mick's fingers gently wipe away a tear from your cheek, and he turns you towards himself to lift your chin up, “You’re perfect the way you are, hase.”

You let out a shaky breath, his words slowly starting to sink in. “I just don’t want to feel like this all the time.”

“I know, darling,” he coos and then offers you a gentle smile, his thumb tracing soothing circles on your cheek. “You’re perfect, you hear me? My perfect girl, hm?” He ignores a whiny objection in the form of you dragging out his name. “The kindest,” he leans in towards you, “and the smartest,” then presses his lips against your forehead, “the most beautiful girl inside and out.”

“Micki,” his names comes off from your lips in a whispery sigh, your head turning sideways as his nose nudges your jaw. His warm breath tickles your skin as he continues to nuzzle against your jaw, his lips brushing over your skin in gentle, feather-light kisses. His lips stretch when you let out a soft giggle, “It tickles.”

Mick's lips curve into a playful smile against your jaw, and he continues to pepper your skin with those feather-light kisses, this time intentionally causing a cascade of giggles from you. His touch is tender, his affection evident in each sweet gesture.

“It does, doesn't it?” he murmurs, his warm breath sending shivers down your spine as he moves his kisses to your cheek.

You squirm slightly in his embrace, the ticklish sensation mixed with delight. “Baby, stop,” you manage to say between giggles, even as your fingers find their way to his sides, retaliating with a gentle poke.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop.” With a final loving peck to your cheek, Mick relents and holds you closer to himself as your giggles slowly subside. As your giggles subside, Mick tilts his head slightly to meet your gaze. His eyes, still filled with tenderness, lock onto yours, and he brushes a few strands of hair away from your face. “Feeling better?” he asks softly.

After taking a few deep breaths to calm yourself, you give him a tight lipped smile. “I’ll be fine, Micki, I promise.” Ignoring the look he gives you, which tells you that he doesn’t believe a word you say, you reach up to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Thank you for being here, you know?”

“Of course, hase,” he mumbles in thought, the material of your robe feeling soft under his touch as he lets the cogs turn in his head. With his eyebrows furrowing, he grabs you by the waist and raises you up to sit you on the bathroom counter. “On the second hand, I think I need to show you just how much I appreciate you, hm?” Ignoring yet another objecting sound from your lips, he places a kiss on the juncture of where your jaw meets your neck, and moves his kisses down until he’s met with your robe again. With a playful glint in his eyes, he lets his fingers work the knot of your robe’s belt.

His eyes widen as his brain registers the fact that you are not wearing anything underneath the robe, and you reply to his flabbergasted look with an innocent shrug of your shoulders as you give him the excuse, “I was about to take a shower before I… well, had a moment.”

You watch as a string of expletives leave his lips, and he needs to take a moment to recover as he mumbles, “Guter Gott.” Though, as your breathy giggles bring him back to the present, he pushes your robe off your shoulders in a quick move, and you realise there is a much darker look in his eyes when your eyes meet again, “And you think my girls are not enough.”

Before you can answer, his hands are quick to grab your breasts as he gives them a firm squeeze, causing you to forget whatever clever comeback you had and instead let out a shallow exhale. “They’re small,” you complain, but he is quick to shut you down by pinching your left nipple between his two fingers – not enough to make it actually hurt, but enough to shock you into shutting up and letting out a small yelp instead.

“Stop talking,” the sharper undertone of his voice has you biting the corner of your bottom lip in anticipation, but his eyes soften as he looks at the bewildered look on your face. “Here’s what’s going to happen,” he fixes you with his stare as his hands go back to gently handling your breasts, “I’m going to fuck you in front of this mirror so that you can see just how beautiful you are, and you’re not going to say a word unless it’s a moan or telling me to stop.”

With a slacked jaw you stare at your boyfriend, your sweet Mick who is soft and treats you as if you’re a china doll most of the time. But now, he looks at you with a stern look in his eyes, and the fact that they are a few shades darker than their normally baby-blue colour tells you that he means business. “Can you kiss me first?” Your voice is breathy, because everything about Mick makes it harder to breath harder, and the corner of his mouth rise in a small smirk as his brain registers the desperation in your voice. “Please.”

“How can I not when my pretty girl is being so well-mannered?” He watches as you straighten up in your place, which causes you to come closer to his face and he lets out a low chuckle. “Patience, baby,” he moves his hands to cup your face and his thumbs gently caress the tops your cheeks. He teases you by dipping his head until his lips are touching yours, and he lets out another chuckle when you chase his lips when he slightly pulls away. But deciding to alleviate you from your pain, he finally presses his lips against yours – though his kiss is nothing like his soft touch from mere moments ago.

His tongue explores your mouth as if he hasn’t kissed you a million times before, but his kiss is as bruising as they come. He draws all kinds of noises from you, with a single kiss, and it would be concerning how much you lose yourself in him if it wasn’t too good. You manage to nip at his lower lip just as he is starting to pull away.

“Gut sein,” he mumbles, the small (but accomplished) smile on your lips bringing a smile to his own. “Now, what do you say to me for the kiss, hm?”

Be good, he says – you can totally do that. His lips move down to your jaw to then your neck, and your lips form a perfect ‘O’ when he starts nipping and sucking on your skin. “Thank you for the kiss, Micki,” you mumble breathily, your hands grabbing his forearms to move his hands from your face back onto your breasts. He lets an appreciative hum as his hands go back to fondling the skin under his hands, which elicits a louder moan from your lips, “Oh, that feels good.”

Mick’s reply comes in the form of another hum as he keeps on sucking hickeys, which will undoubtedly make you complain to him tomorrow, but the way he handles you is enough to convince you not to care. After he’s satisfied with handiwork; he pulls back from your neck to only dip his head more to take one of your nipples to his mouth while his hand is busy groping the other breast, causing you to weave your fingers through his hair to press him closer to your chest. His ministrations, combined with his intention of marking up your chest as he did your neck has you ending up as a whimpering mess on the bathroom counter, calling out Mick’s name to do something more in hopes of him keeping his promise. His voice is husky as he asks, “Now do you believe me?”

Your hands are on him the second he pulls away and his breathing is a mess while you scramble to get off his shirt; your hands gliding across his chest down to the start of his running shorts he has from his morning run, and he has to restrain himself from letting out a groan as you sit in front of him with wide eyes and lips that are pink from all the biting. You voice is also husky as you answer his question with one of your own, “Are you going to fuck me now, liebste?”

He smiles sweetly at your attempt of trying to take back the reigns, and he tries to appear in though as he slowly pulls you off the counter. “In a second, I have to check something first.” He quickly turns you around to face the mirror, where you watch his hand’s movements as it slides from your waist down to the front of your sleeping shorts. The gasp that leaves from between your lips causes his sweet smile to morph into something more mischievous, and you catch his smirk on the mirror in front of you as he lets his fingers feel the wetness between your legs. “You’re soaked, hase, I think you’re more than ready.”

“Yes, please,” your voice comes off in a whimper as you slip your hand behind you to palm the bulge that presses onto your back through the material of his shorts that hang lower on his hips. You let out another moan when his fingers make their way towards your clit, which is his way of reminding you of who’s in charge – and it’s most definitely not you given the fact that you almost topple over the counter when he presses his fingers with slightly more pressure. You hear him let out a low groan when you move your hand slightly, but his fingers continue their movements which causes you to let out small mews of pleasure.

After he pulls his fingers out of your short, and consequently makes a show of licking them clean that leaves you quite literally panting with need. Smirking at your reaction, he taps the outside of your upper thigh, “Spread your legs, baby, watch me on the mirror, hm?” He makes sure to place your hands on the countertop after he’s done taking of the remainder of your clothing and underwear. A part of you is sure he’s secretly enjoying the attention and how good you’re being as you silently watch him ges out of his own shorts and underwear. “You ready?”

“Mhm-hm,” you mumble as you nod quickly and gather your hair on one of your shoulders.

Mick presses his lips on your bare shoulder as he grabs your waist with one of his hands, grabs the base of his cock with his free hand and guides it between your legs – a gasp leaves your lips as the tip of his cock presses into you. He’s slow as he guides the rest of his cock into your pussy, and you drag out his name under your breath. “So good,” he murmurs as his hand joins his other one on your hip, and he tries to keep his hips still to give you an opportunity to get used to it, “always feel so good for me.”

Your hands grab the marble tighter as the stretch has you wanting to just press your hips backwards against his, “Move, Micki, please.”

He meets your eyes through the mirror and chuckles lowly, “Patience, baby,” he repeats his words from before – but he obliges you nonetheless, as he pushes in all the way in a move that knocks all the breath out of your lungs. He is slow as he starts moving his hips in a steady rhythm. But soon he picks up the rhythm, and every snap of his hips to yours has you becoming more and more of a whimpering mess. His eyes capture your blush that is painting your cheeks and he lets his eyes wander lower where it has started to move towards your chest, which he’s more than welcome to adore the view of your breasts moving with every move his hips makes.

The moans that rip from the back of your throat become louder, stronger and more demanding as Mick decides to thrust himself deeper into you – a sweet reminder that you’ll definitely be feeling him for the rest of the day and all of tomorrow. You can’t seem to form sentences with words other than more, please and various forms of his name, but he grants you what you want when one of your hands leave the counter to pull him in for a kiss. It’s messy and rushed, but it leaves you lightheaded as you find yourself begging for more when he pulls away. “No, no, I want more,” a high-pitched whine begs, and you drag out the next word, “please.”

Mick lowers his head enough for his lips to be level with your ear. “Look into the mirror, hase,” his breath hits your skin, and he rewards you with a sweet smile, “you see what I see?”

“I don’t see you giving me another kiss,” you grumble, but quickly stop rebutting when his hips deliver a rather sharp push, “fuck, that feels good.”  

“Look how beautiful you look,” he pants, his laboured breath hitting your ear, “the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” You’re sure your skin will be bruised from the way his fingers grabs onto your hips – not that it would look out of place with other parts of your body he’s already marked you on. “And you say you’re not enough, God, hase.”

Your hand snakes its way from his neck towards his hair as your fingers thread through his locks. “I need more, Micki, please.”

But unfortunately for you, Mick has every intention of  ignoring your pleas. “Do you know why I call you hase?” Between the haze of him fucking you into the counter and his breathy words, you manage to give him a weak shake of your head. “It’s because I love seeing your tits when you’re bouncing on my cock.” To accentuate his point, he holds your hips in place as he delivers sharper thrusts.

“I thought it was because of the way I scrunch my nose,” you gasp while pulling at his hair. Though it is not exactly the part he chooses to focus on – instead, he watches as your already blushed cheeks become a deeper shade. Another gasp, this time laced with a louder moan, is ripped from you when he continues the sharper movement of his hips, “I– Mick, right there!”

“Shh, I got you,” he soothes your moans as he stills the movement of his hips for a minute to hike your left leg to rest it on the counter and then grabs the hand you have raised up to do the same, “hang on for me, okay?” He watches as you give him a tentative look through the mirror as he wraps his arm across your middle to reach for your clit as he harshly pushes himself back into you.

Combined with his thumb applying pressure onto your clit and the way he’s filling you up once again causes you to moan his name louder than before. “I’m not going to last,” the whiny words leave your lips before you can stop them, and he gives you a smirk as his fingers quicken their pace, “fuck, Micki, just like that.”

Lost in the pleasure building up in your lower stomach, you don’t realise his free hand moving up to cup your breast until he’s pinching your nipple between his fingers to draw out another moan from your lips, which sounds more like a scream because of all the please you’re feeling. “Do you see how beautiful you are? Look at yourself, baby.”

“Please Mick,” you let out a moan meddled with a sob as you watch your reflection in the mirror – the way your body is shaking with every movement of his hips and the way his front is pressed into your back, the disheveled look of your sweaty hair, and the way your wide eyes accompany your blushed cheeks, “make me come, please, I’m so close.” Your words must’ve acted as a source of motivation, since he quickens the pace of his hips and presses his thumb more as he continues the steady movements, which has you chanting out nothing but praises and a string of yes, yes, yes, yes.

Regardless of the condom he’s wearing, Mick can tell when you’re close as you clench around him, and he urges you to let go by mumbling into your skin, “It’s okay, hase, let it go.” And who are you to not give your boyfriend what he asks of you? So he’s there to guide you through your release while you sink your nails into his biceps to still yourself. He’s not far as he reaches his own peak and spills into you, which pulls yet another moan from you as you also hear his loud groan – a sound you’ll never get sick of hearing. You gasp lightly when he eventually pulls out of you; though when he sees the tired smile you give through the mirror (and yes, maybe he does call you hase because you do scrunch your nose while smiling), he responds with one of his own as he presses small kisses to your hairline, “There’s my smile.”

“I love you,” your raspy voice whispers, and suddenly you’re lost once again in the way he’s looking at you – a habit you’ll gladly keep.

“I love you too,” he responds, his nose nuzzling your jaw before giving you a sweet kiss, and it makes him chuckle lightly when you’re chasing his lips once again when he pulls away. “Come on, now we both need a shower.” The sounds of your giggles when he picks you up to get both of you into the shower, and as you hid your face in the crook of his neck you hear him mumble, “Mein hübsches mädchen.” My pretty girl.

[within-ur-intro-verse]

Favorite IvanTill Fics

Complete

Canon Verse

time flies, leaves us behind by OMGTHEFEEL; Rated: T, 1,419 words; Till dies instead of Ivan and how Ivan has to live in a world where his star burnt out.

the rhythm of your faint heartbeat by sybssite; Rated: G, 1,840 words: Ivan Lives AU

Consume Me by FallLover; Rated: E, 7,362 words; Ivan Lives AU

find me; by justbekind; Rated: T, 4,128 words; Ivan Lives AU - Ivan survives Round 6 but he's not "Ivan" anymore. Till must find the cause and fix this.

Fallacious by Wisterial_exe; Rated: G, 5,151 words; Ivan Lives AU - Luka tries to use Mizi against Till in Round 7. It's not very effective.

The Silent Calm Rage by JueShi_QingHua; Rated: T, 1,700 words; Arsonist Till take revenge on the aliens in Round 7 for Ivan's death.

In Your Gaze Where I'm Seen by Cesear; Unrated, 50,517 words; Ivan Lives AU

holding hands isnt enough, i need to buy handcuffs by Dawn_007; Rated: M, 5,826 words; Yandere Ivan - Ivan is willing to use any means to protect Till.

Relapse by kuroko99; Rated: E, 11,097 words; Ivan Lives AU

you can break me apart by I_chew_icecreams; Rated: T, 6,297 words; Ivan has had Till's attention from the beginning.

 It tears through my head, does it haunt you too by Fandomqueen1124; Series (2 Complete Stories) Rated: T, 14,641 words; Ivan Lives AU

The People By The Corner by JueShi_QingHua; Rated: T, 1,419 words; Till can see dead people.

your gaze (a singular act) by fableowilba_booksandanime; Rated: M, 5,145 words; 4 moments of Ivan loving Till like his god’s most devoted believer, and 1 moment of Till loving him back.

It's Not Love by kuroko99; Rated: G, 1,754 words; Till writes the song for Round 6 and Ivan's reaction to it.

Eyes Like The Night Sky; Glowing In Hues Of The Meteors by 889075534; Rated: T, 4,876 words; Mutal Pining from the Beginning IvanTill

Alternate Universe

First live by akitsukun; Rated: G, 6,736 words; Modern AU - Social Media fic; Idol Ivan is a huge fan of Streamer Till.

No, this isn't a "Y/N" moment. by sybssite; Rated: G, 38,940 words; Modern/Reincarnation AU - Social Media fic, Idol Ivan and Fan Till who remembers their previous life together

I grew a garden within the rot by Dawn_007; Rated: M, 5,029 words; Modern AU/Hanahaki Disease AU - Till tries to force himself to have romantic feelings for Ivan to save him for Hanahaki disease. He is unsuccessful.

a treatise on wingmanning a suicidal yearner by yamscooper; Rated: T, 6,763 words; Modern/College AU with Magical Creatures, MiziSua & IvanTill - Siren Sua & Selkie Ivan

Coffee Flavored Kisses by Silrain; Rated: T, 1,018 words; Modern AU - Cafe fic

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb by erisky; Unrated, words; Actor AU - Ivan tries to drop hints to let Till know he like him. It doesn't work.

kiss me; by justbekind; Rated: T, 8,746 words; Actor AU

brevity is the soul of wit? fuck you then by carlyle (c_a_e_l_a); Modern/College AU - Ivan and Till are both fanfic writers.

break a heart, stitch it right back by yamscooper; Rated: T, 2,749 words; Modern/College AU - Ivan is laughing with someone else and Till is jealous.

read my soul (yes, my soul) by sambal_ij0; Rated: T, 6,585 words; Actor AU

Across the Universe by mochi_star; Rated: T, 5,244 words; Modern/Reincarnation AU; IvanTill reincarnates, meet again, and eventually remember their previous life together

no homo, but in sickness and health by yamscooper; Rated: T, 6,340 words; Modern/College AU; Ivan is sick and Till (begrudgingly) takes care of him.

Lost in Translation by eekinn; Rated: T, 114,719 words; Modern/Celebrity AU - Road Trip Fic. Actor Till and Translator/Writer Ivan

Caution: Hot Liquid Inside by erisky; Rated: T, 4,394 words; Modern AU - Cafe fic. A visiting manager asks Till if he's being harassed by his co-worker Ivan. He has no idea what she's talking about.

Ongoing

Canon Verse

you are more than just a dream. by eriii_lian; Rated: G; Ivan Lives AU

cure (in your gaze, i am seen) by autisticthan, ivanstills (autisticthan); Rated: Unrated; Ivan Lives AU

Learning How The Heart Aches by starsnsoul; Rated: G; Time Loop - Till is struck repeating Round 6 trying to save Ivan. It's harder than it sounds.

Lord, Give Me One More Chance by veevinowrites, whizzinpast (veevinowrites); Rated: M; Till dealing with the aftermath of Round 6, Ivan Lives AU

As The Sky Fall (Let It Crumble) by JueShi_QingHua; Rated: G; Alien Till AU

The other side of the coin by Thehiddensanctuary; Rated: T; IvanTill escapes before Round 6 begins

a prayer, from one shattered universe to the next. by Suisen (Sui_cchi); Rated: M; IvanTill escape together as children

i wouldn't mind by xynzel; Rated: G; Ivan Lives AU

I'll Hold on to You by ScarletRigmor; Rated: T; Till is the first contestant rescued by the Rebels.

To the Me That Haunts You by FallinginBoysLove; Unrated; Till travels back in time and tries to save everyone he cares about.

Falling Stars by Pr0cyOn_lotor; Rated: T; Ivan stays behind after heling Till, Mizi, and Sua escape Anakt Garden.

Alternate Universe

the issue with falling in love with your bandmate by diastrophic; Rated: T, Modern AU - Social Media fic; all the cast are part of the ALNST music group and IvanTill are PR disasters

1VAN by lilluo; Rated: M; College AU with Aliens & Androids - Human college student Till and Android Ivan

cherry boy pride by yamscooper; Rated: T; Modern/College AU - Childhood Friends, Till may have never kissed anyone before but he's determined to prove he's not bad at it

love bites by fromtokyo; Rated: T; Modern/College AU with Mythical Creatures; Ivan is both a vampire and in love with his roommate Till. Till knows neither of these facts.

you taste the silver by Kyirah; Rated: T; Modern AU - Actor Ivan & Streamer Till.

Please Just Confess by sisilim; Rated: M; Modern AU - Time Travel fic. Till's husband dies in a plane crash. He wakes up and realizes he's been sent back in time to the beginning of their arranged marriage. He's going to do things differently this time.

So I Crave, Crave to do it again by Berries20; Rated: T; Modern/High School AU - High School Till has dreams of his previous life.

[sh1nsoukoku]

Pls tell me all dazai autism traits in ur list

OMG I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED, yes yes yes…

I want to preface this by saying this is in no means supposed to be canon facts or a diagnosis, I just think he is a very autistic-coded character coming from my own experiences as an autistic adult!

Long post under the cut because I don’t know how to stfu!!!

We will start with my main reasoning:

As we know, Dazai and his ability are based off of the work No Longer Human. Dazai being similar to the main character Yozo. Yozo is a kind of “stand in” for the real life author Osamu Dazai as No Longer Human contains a lot of real events from the author’s life. BSD Dazai and Yozo’s main similarities are the disconnection from others and high masking. Here are two quotes from the book:

“All I feel are the assaults of apprehension and terror at the thought that I am the only one who is entirely unlike the rest. It is almost impossible for me to converse with other people. What should I talk about? How should I say it? - I don’t know.”

This is incredibly similar to the lived experiences of Autistic people. I used to feel like an alien, or just fundamentally different than others. We tend to also struggle with communicating and other social dynamics. Dazai feels isolated from others, let’s very few people close, and searches for meaning by observing other humans and life and death itself. He quotes this as his reason for joining the Mafia. He also processes emotion differently, at odds with people around him.

“I managed to maintain on the surface a smile which never deserted my lips; this was the accommodation I offered to others, a most precarious achievement performed by me only at the cost of excruciating efforts within.”

This is one of the best descriptions I have read of Autistic Masking. Dazai HIGHLY masks. Dazai is known for not showing his true thoughts/feelings/opinions often in BSD. He can code switch easily, serious in one moment and then covering it with his over the top silly/unusual/maniacal personality. In NLH this is described as “clowning.” I also think Dazai’s genius “always according to plan” thing is sometimes a mask, so he doesn’t show the fact that he’s working hard to pull strings and figure things out.

He does have some insane pattern recognition though which is also an autistic attribute!

And now for the more surface level reasons:

Repetitive Behavior/Media Consumption: Dazai reads the same book over and over again. The Ultimate Guide to Suicide is a book he’s had with him since his PM days and he tells Atsushi that he already knows everything it says because he’s read it hundreds of times. A very common autistic trait!

Restricted Diet: Dazai seems to have a limited diet consisting of alcohol and canned crab! It’s a same food/safe food he has often. His room was described to be full of discarded cans of crab and bottles. Limited diets are common in autistic people.

Stimming: Dazai stims! He is a very wiggly and stimmy person. There’s several scenes where he is seen humming and singing or making little silly noises.

Dazai and his headphones are so important to me.. he seems to wear them frequently around the office. It could be noise cancelling or auditory stimulation that he likes.

The man never sits normally on a chair which is something I think a lot of neurodivergent people can relate to.

And of course floor time! Shown by him rolling around when stressed, laying on the rooftop and a few instances in Wan! like the marshmallow scene.

Also you can’t tell me that this is not two burnt out autistics after overworking their brains…

[paper-mario-wiki]

I don't know if you've talked about this elsewhere already but was the break from streaming intentional and/or are you planning on returning to streaming some time in the foreseeable future? no pressure, I just miss your silly antics :o)

felt very burnt out from being someone who people are always lookin at all the time mostly! (and also a lot more reasons)

got a new job that pays just as well as streaming (which is enough to pay for rent in seattle with roommates, buy food for myself, and sometimes buy yet another japanese gamecube via online auction), and have been enjoying the feeling of not relying on anonymous teenagers and young adults who are just as poor as me on the internet for my income. It's something i was extremely grateful for, but it's not only a very infirm way to generate revenue on a reliable basis, but also i always felt an ever-present sense of guilt for it. like, instilling within other people who i know are in my tax bracket (one that is below the poverty line) the idea of "hey if you dont tip me for doing this free service, the quality of which is damningly subjective, I will be homeless. but no pressure haha" is something that i was never able to shake.

also like. performing is quite draining for me! the way i portray myself in my streams is EXTREMELY extroverted while, in my personal life, i prefer to spend 8 to 14 of my waking hours every day by myself in my room with my dog. i like the quiet, and i feel at peace most when i am not being perceived by other people.

lastly, i really dislike having inordinate levels of social power. for a several reasons. like, SEVERAL reasons. this is the longest section of this post.

8 years ago, i got way more famous than any 16 year old should ever be when i got tens of thousands of followers overnight for doing undertale shit. and i think it really fucked up my ability to make friends at a time where my only experience meeting new people was at school or at church, and i lived far enough out in the woods that i couldnt just go outside and hang out with the neighbors cuz the neighbors lived a mile away. my socializing skills in general are way more stilted than i'd prefer for someone my age. in private settings ive got my foot in my mouth a lot. and sometimes in public settings too! im sure if youve seen streams ive been on, youve seen plenty of "chase you really shouldnt have said that" moments. and youre probably right, i probably shouldnt have! my moment-to-moment gauge for what i should and shouldnt say is very slow to catch up cuz ive got like. advanced mental illnesses. like, im not joking when i say ive been formally diagnosed several times over by different doctors with shit ive never heard anybody ever talk about, online or otherwise.

i dont think that's an excuse to say heinous or cruel things by any means of course, but i also think that i should not rely on a job where there's constantly a microphone in my hand and an audience listening intently to what i say. im not at all pulling the "its okay that i say mean things because im mentawy iww" card. as a matter of fact i think it's not okay that i say them! and i feel very embarrassed when i do! the filter that separates "normal healthy thoughts" and "intrusive unhealthy thoughts" is thinner and more flimsy in my brain than in others.

ive only gotten this far because i surround myself with very smart, patient, and kind people, and by trying to be understanding and patient with others too. and ive begun apologizing to people a lot more. i dont like it when people are mad at me, and i dont like that for a long time i had professionally painted myself into a corner where im typically always the "heel" in comedy settings, because the "heel" is the guy everyone shits on all the time. i got this reputation not because i actively enjoy being mean, but because i learned to adapt to the aforementioned "clinically unreliable intrusive thoughts filter" by realizing i would say things that came across as mean, and in real time exaggerating that it into a character that people could shoot back at without feeling guilty while still having fun. theres nothing that ruins a good time quite like someone who is constantly apologizing for doing something wrong, and then continuing to do that wrong thing anyway. dont misunderstand, i absolutely adore dunking on weenies when everyone can get a good laugh out of it (like tumblr anons, who i think should be classified as prokariyotic invertebrates and not people (no offense)) but even though it's a joke it still feels very bad when that's expected of me when i walk into a room. because if i walk into a room, and everyone expects me to be an asshole, everyone is on the defensive before i say anything, and sometimes they take shots at me when im not trying to "play". even worse, if im a heel in a setting where it's expected of me and someone cant really keep up with "the bit" then that just means im being an asshole to someone who cant or doesnt have the energy to fight back. and not just any asshole, an asshole who has had nearly a decade of professional experience being a paid asshole.

if im being frank, i dont know if i'll come back in a full capacity. i might! im not ruling that out! and you'll probably still see me pop up in my friends streams, because i did LOVE what i did for a very long time! but after i took my "break" in december after being more stressed than ive ever been, and i knew it was no longer financially necessary for me to livestream, i had the thought "i will go back to streaming when i find within myself a desire to do so" and ya know what? i havent yet.

and DO NOT FUCKING BOTHER MY FRIENDS ABOUT THIS. if you post a fucking "hey have u heard what chase said" message in their chat or in their DMs or anything, im not joking when i say you are actively being the kind of person i changed my career to avoid! fuck you, for real! stop trying to interface with them to get some new piece of information or opinion about me you fucking weirdo! they'll talk about me if they want to, but going to someone who is doing their own thing and asking them to instead comment on someone else it is ALWAYS fucking annoying. if you want to think about me, do it by yourself! or ask me directly! or do it in the comment section of a video im in! or write a fanfiction about me and then throw it away!

but if ur not that kind of person then ur cool dont worry.

anywho! im sorry if this is a bummer to read. but that's the full skinny.

im still posting regularly on twitter (clown_depot)! and if i DO go live, either on my twitch channel or on a friend's stream, it will be posted there!

thanks for watching :^]

im not goin radio silent, im just gonna turn off the electric window that lets people see me for a while.

[justenjoythegossip]

CHRIS’ BRAND IS IN CRISIS 

A steady and constant decline…

Since he came back to social media to sell dog food for the back Friday (a very tactless error in my opinion), Chris has been hemorrhaging followers on Instagram. At this point, he has lost more 500,000 followers. And it keeps going down. I have already written a post about my thoughts regarding those numbers. Here is a link if anyone is interested in checking it out. 

Here is the latest chart showing his numbers of followers…

We can still observe the same trends, his drop is constant and steady but more interestingly his loss of followers was even steeper on January 25th and today. And this is rather concerning for him and his team because the 25th was the day his next movie project was announced. And we know yesterday and today were all about the ASP stunts in DC. And he even got press coverage for it and a nice little article from one of his sponsors: People’s Magazine. 

I have speculated that his team probably didn't buy any bots or not as many as usual when the Coen movie was announced, because they likely wanted to monitor if that news would bring him any natural follows. I suspect the movie announcement didn't bring him any or very few. Or it might have even cost him some real follows. Who knows?

We see the exact same trend today after yesterday’s stunt in DC. It’s actually even a little worse. So we can deduce that his acting career is not helping him at the moment, his brand as a political activist isn’t helping him either. And let’s not even mention his shenanigans with his kinda “wife”. To sum things up, his brand is in crisis. 

His “political activism” is starting to become offensive…

I already wrote an article that mentioned his performative activism. If people want to check it out.

Real or not, Chris has attached himself to a trolling fat-shaming, racist, antisemitic, Nazi sympathizing clout-chaser. And the optics are absolutely horrifying. Here are some of the receipts provided by Anni's Little Shop of Horrors

So his political activism looks not only hypocritical and performative now, it also appears as a rather infuriating provocation. This ASP stunt was very ill-conceived. I am not sure it was his decision to do so. Maybe the investors demanded he did more with the company. But the end result is disastrous all the same.

He and his team should have read the room after the horrible comments he got after that infamous ASP chat about racism and antisemitism. That was his clue to stay away from any kind of political involvement for the time being. But he and his team have doubled down. Like they have done so with the shitshow with Abba since the very beginning. They have managed to alienate so many fans and they continue to do so. It’s not stubbornness at this point, it’s the exact definition of insanity: doing the same things and expecting different results. 

Time for a new brand and a reinvention…

I wrote and I still think Chris is going to be just fine. But his past brand has been really damaged and his rebrand isn't working out so resorting to old tactics and tricks is unlikely to help him regain the fans he lost or to make him gain any new ones.

Interesting enough, he or his team have just cleaned his Instagram once more. And now apart from an ASP promo and one R1 still, it's all about Dodger. The focus on his Dog dad persona might not prove more efficient in regaining his fans though. They have used that poor dog way too much in those shenanigans with Abba, and they have let her use him as well.

I don’t think Christopher’s haven would provide much help at the moment because he already burnt that bridge. And Marvel being a sinking ship at the moment, I am not sure that even his alter ego Captain America could help him. So it’s probably time for a change. The real kind!

Gandhi famously said:

"We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.”

[system-of-a-feather]

Re-establishing Baseline Plan

Since moving, I've (completely understandably and expectedly) had my baseline kinda fucked (did not help by with financial stress + job incompatibility + ear infection + really bad post ear infection cold + probable norovirus in literally one month) and so I've been really overloaded, stressed, and just in a place of mostly survival mode where most of my energy is focused on maintaining my mental and physical state in the easiest manners possible

I have been holding up well all things considered and have set up for a probably more compatible job + my fiance has managed to get a job again that he feels will probably work out well for him and I have at least like a week off between jobs to reorientate myself

So to take a good and active effort to make the best of this time, I want to make a plan to set myself up for success. I actually do this every so often when I really need to pick myself up (historically Lucille would usually do it but pros of being basically fully integrated is that I am Lucille as well as me) and I figured it would be a neat thing to display and demonstrate here cause I'd end up making it *anyways* so why not share with the class

If anyone likes this, yall can borrow it ^^

-----

Question One: What current coping skills and hobbies am I currently doing and trying with my time? Are they affective and would I like to change them?

Art, Drawing, Character Design, Art Fight Prep, Story Planning and Writing

This is one of the easiest and most reliable positive coping mechanisms and has gotten me through the majority of the month mostly on it's own. Compared to other coping mechanisms, this one is almost always something I can drag myself to do or at least ask someone to supervise me to make sure I do it when I feel I need some sort of self care. It serves greatly as an alternative when I find that I am doing maladaptive coping that I would rather not do and when in doubt, it has access to some level of social engagement should I feel I need that. With that being said, having relied largely on this for a month, this is suffering diminishing returns and starting to lead to general lack of inspiration and so diversification from this coping mechanism would be ideal

Weekend Gym Trips

This is actually a really good way for me to release energy, give myself space and time to think, and just feel better moving and existing in my body. It also mandates time for me to listen to music and serves a meditative purpose. That said, I have only been doing this on Saturdays and only once on Sunday and I would like to expand that to be at least 3 times a week or at least more spaced out.

Reading Semi Regularly

This is a new habit and coping I picked up and its actually really good! It provides a unique sense of calm when I need it. Unfortunately I've started to drop off the past week due to general stress and illness, so I think its important to return to this. Perhaps set a general goal of "every other day" rather than every day to lessen the pressure.

Video Games

This was helpful but lately I have been not motivated to play anything and I believe its been burnt out. I think it would be good to resume this but it is currently impractical to force at the moment until overall wellness has returned.

TV with Boy

This is helpful but unforunately nothing seems to interest either of us to watch right now. (cri life is hard /lh)

Board Games with Boy

This is a new one and has actually been very nice. That said, it isn't always available and dependent on my fiance's ability to have the energy, time and interest to play them, particularly since I know he is less interested in board games than me. It is good to maintain the interest and offer, but not a coping skill to become reliant on.

Question Two: What sorts of things that I am currently not doing do I know tend to define behaviors, habits, hobbies, and interests that are done when I am out of survival mode and genuinely enjoying life?

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

Engagement in Exploration and just independent travels without individuals

Engagement and interest in occasionally reaching out to Buddhist environments

Producing art work for the story that is more developed and inspired rather than "quick" or "reference" focused - actually focusing on the creative and artistic expression rather than the practical expression

Increased social circle communication irl beyond my online bestie, fiance, and online friend group chat; reaching out to individuals and developing new irl friendships

Question Three: Which of those hobbies do I think could be the most reasonable and easy to meet sooner than later (even better if I can make steps to start that right now / today)? In what ways could I make steps to make those first changes and help set myself up for success on expanding my engagement with life beyond survival mode?

Interest in watching anything on my own, youtube, TV shows, etc

While I am not extensively motivated in any manner to watch anything in particular, I am starting to randomly get a lot of bleach related stuff on my youtube and I have been meaning to watch TYBW arc. I have been postponing it because of arbitrary "I wanna read the manga first" and just general other excuses, but realistically those are putting up barriers that I may not get to at this rate and currently I could just use something I'm somewhat interested in to give me some independent relaxing engagement. I think I can set the goal of actually watching Bleach TYBW at least an episode a day starting either today or tomorrow and see if that can bring a momentum and habit into actually being able to watch things that interest me on my own.

Engagement in Music, Particularly my Musical Instruments

I can probably actually take my violin back out. The guitar would probably be better but for whatever reason I feel that my brain thinks that would require more - for a lack of better word - work, so I think I can at least try to find time this week to at least play a little bit of my violin.

Regular Birding, Particularly with Peers + "increased social irl connection [...]"

I can reach out and text my new irl birding connections to see if they are interested; if not I can at least plan to take a birding trip later

Engagement in Buddhist Stuff

I know there is an area I've been thinking of visiting that has free english services on Tuesday, I can make plans to go there that day, particularly since my Fiance should be working for the first day then anyways.

Question Four: What are additional goals and check points that we would like to try to bring us closer to the life style that we know tends to support a thriving mental state and life satisfaction rather than one of survival?

Independent Travels

During the time I have, I can keep in mind this goal and if I have down time think of potentially interesting and alternative places to go to explore; additionally I can plan birding trips to places I have not yet checked out.

Increased Social IRL Connection

It is dependent on if my now-ex-coworker still is interested, but I can follow up and see if we want to still play board games; if not I think potential more ways to reach out will be more viable to plan once a higher level of baseline is established; potentially see if there are any in person DnD groups around that I could make a habit of going to or any martial art dojos that we can afford

More Inspired Art

I think this is something that will come with time between lessening the burn out of my current art-as-a-coping mechanism goal as well as actually engaging in more media and independent interests as to gain more inspiration.

Question Five: Summarize the Key Points and Plans Discussed in This into a Bullet Points of Take Aways

Modifying Current Coping:

Diversify and lean off of using art as a main coping mechanism; give that one a break

Attempt to go to the gym more frequently or at least space it out more throughout the week

Continue reading; lessen the ideal to every other day in case demand pressure is adversely affecting it

Keep an open interest in playing board games with fiance

Changes I Want To Make Soon:

Start watching Bleach TYBW w/ at least one episode a day

Bring out my violin and try to at least play with it for one hour this week

Reach out to new bird peers to see if they want to plan a birding trip sometime, if not then plan one independently

Make plans to go to that place on Tuesday for the open Buddhist service

Changes to Keep an Eye Out For:

Opportunities to go somewhere new randomly for no particular reason or goal in mind other than to just see whats around us

Spoons and time availability to see out places to expand our irl social circles

Inspiration for art in general

Question Six: Set for Regular Follow Ups to Check Progress

Isn't tumblr's queue / schedule function super neat for this

[kroosluvr]

sorry i feel bad for ranting on """Main"" i guess though i kinda keep this more of apersonal blog than a very polished art blog thing. under the cut

things wld be easier if i was just an oc-centric artist (which i kinda am but only to myself in my head) but it Is how it is at this point (i want to draw my ocs more but they never turn out the way i want) and theres just so much i want to draw for the silly little media franchises that happen to capture my stupid little heart and etc.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh ifeel stupid for loving too much or whatever. i dont want to throw a pity party over this either because in the end its just "who cares LOVE WHAT U LOVE DRAW WHAT U WANT" right but in the moment i feel stupid and it sucks and i hate it actually!!!!!!! and i WILL in fact keep drawing hwat i want and what makes me happy but like idkidkdidkgkhw

sometimes i cant help thinking if i was a better artist.,, like more artistically skilled........ would people really say the things they do about the things i draw

^ (Authors note: no one has been mean about the stuff i draw just. side comments i guess lol. from my friends though and not random people . so its harder to just brush off i guess)

like maybe im just not good enough yet. which is fine. spite is actually a really good drawing proponent. but its also just like . when will it be enough to be worth it? will it be worth being my friend now if im a good artist? if i draw what you want? ...........................

its obviously not discounting the people who really enjoy my art style adn what i draw regardless (which im soooo so grateful for bc i never like expect anyone to stick around sicne my fixations change like the wind) but its like... these r the people i spend the most time with . and it sucks. i have to. second guess what i say and what i type and just. ok like i know its not that serious either but i hate it i really dont like it (<- im also just socially anxious if u cant tell)

and its also like i cant just extract myself from my friend group for a while to kinda cool off (read: muster the courage to be an idiot in front of them again) bc ummmmm um i dont have many friends . they are kind of all i got. (which is nice i like small circles(?) im not good at opening up to people.) and i do admire and like them very much but then i just feel like i get bit in the ass all the time (This past month) with shit like this i guess

and honestly like. well half the reason i keep switching fixations is BECAUSE of stuff like this where i feel self conscious of """"Being obsessed"""" over One thing so much so i just immediately switch tracks so fast but its just a cycle (Which i dont see as a bad thing tbh? it keeps my art moving and things fresh so like.)

And honestly i dont really try to . be too vocal about. fandom? stuff? when im with my friends? unless they bring it up first? i got burnt so many times with my vtuber interests so like lol ive Learned. but maybe it slips out too much? bruh. my bad i guess

i have to stop thinking abt this man.., why has this happened to me so many times this past month lol its kind of ridiculous

(Im sure they dont like. mean it. right? ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if they actually meant it and want me to shut up then they should just actually say so right.,

i just want to draw . its not going to stop me from drawing but damn does it really like rain on my parade or put a dent in my fender or whatever other sayings that i cant think of right now

in the end i really REALLY appreciate frm the very very bottom of my heart everyone that even remotely likes/appreciates my art (especially the persona stuff nowadays bc thats what im mainly pouring all my mental and physical and emotional into) like i really really mean it. because this stuff like my silly comics and stuff is really stuff i make for purely my own heart and just what i want to see kinda. and so it just makes me feel really warm that people also want to see it and keep seeing it and love it and everything like that. and, with all this kind of negative stuff going on i just go back and reread tags and comments and stuff and i feel encouraged to keep going and draw more and everything like that. so like really, truly, thank you. i really never thought so many people would like the stuff i make. even if its not really artistically good, or really deeply interesting, im really happy it could be something special to people out there

[r2kisblog]

Coffeetalk

Something that needs to be addressed:

I haven't posted many drawings lately, and when I did, it's often simple drawings or sketches. To be honest, I'm keeping a lot to myself, I'm actually drawing quite a lot, but I'm not really in the mood to show everything on socialmedia because,..

..I am learning to draw for myself...

It might sound super strange but I'm realizing how social media has actually ruined my love for drawing.

Imagine constantly trying to draw something that could get a lot of likes, following trends because other artists are doing it too and gives you attention, putting yourself under pressure because you think your followers will leave if you don't post regularly and if you don't post the content they want to see.

Constantly comparing yourself to others to the point that it becomes super toxic and unhealthy for yourself.

As soon you start to focus on specific fandoms and you grow, all of these influences you a lot and you'll come to a point where you feel deeply burnt after every art you finish only for the sake of posting...

And then, you start unintentionally paying attention to the numbers. You constantly check if your post is a hit or not. You become disappointed when it does not reach your expectation. You are finding yourself checking on your phone, checking and checking...And then it becomes at some point a never-ending cycling...

It doesn't matter if it's the likes or the followers. In the end, it becomes an unhealthy obsession and the worst thing about it is,..

..that YOU DON'T REALIZE IT, until your love for your hobby becomes more of an hate and you start question yourself, why are you even doing this. It makes you sick....

..So much that you completely forget why you started painting in the first place. The moment I realized it burnt me, was the moment when I deleted my accounts and took a longer break. I disconnected pretty much with the things that brought me this kind of beeing "burnt." I stopped talking with some people, disconnected myself from social media, and started the process of healing. After a while i made a fresh new account, and while i had the new account i still found myself beeing trapped in the thinking " i need to be seen in social media or else what is the point of having an account " , " i need fast something that interest me hard so i can get into drawing again" " maybe i should enter a very large fandom, maybe this is gonna work for me "...

As soon as i realized the trap was here again, i moved again away from social media. This time, without deleting my Accounts, but rather taking my time trying to figure out what was the reason in the first place that i started to draw a lot, with the intention of improving. Honestly, after many, many months, i am still searching for an answer..and that's fine! It's telling me that i don't need to force myself to like something i am not interested in and giving myself just a lot of time until something truly interest me.

Right now i do not feel the need to post much on social media, the numbers don't do anything to me anymore because i realized in the end these are only numbers...

I see more people using the advantage of AI Tools to fool people for the sake of getting a lot of likes. I also see artists who suddenly trace or heavily refrencing other people art without credit for the sake of likes or to be seen by the people. Honestly, is this really making you happy? That's what I question myself every time I see people do this. 😥

All of this made me think that my long break is truly healing me, and i get my love for art back again. Slowly liking the little drawings i do truly for myself, without thinking if others might like it or not. And taking time finding the answer, what made me start to do art in the first place and what i want to aim. And not forcing myself to draw for fandoms, I truly don't want to do it for the sake of numbers.

If you read this and you might be in a similar situation 🤲..

no matter if you draw, write, or do anything else, your art will always matter because you put your dedication and love to something you truly love. And there will always be people appreciating what you're create but your priority should be always yourself . It is your creation you truly care for that will give you a smile which thousands numbers will not do the same. Never force yourself doing the things you don't fully enjoy.

Always do a break whenever you need it!

( English is not my native language I apologize for mistakes in advance)

[bonesandthebees]

I am loving the Qsmp PTA AU. For all of the parents, what are each of their favorite and least favorite chores?

oooo we are at peak surburban parenting with this question

quackity's least favorite chore tends to be taking tilin to appointments or extracurriculars or playdates. of course he doesn't want tilin to be locked up in the house all the time, but he's just so busy with other stuff that driving tilin around really cuts into his time and he doesn't count it as spending time with tilin either since he's just driving them places. he'd rather actually go hang out with his kid at like a movie theater or make dinner together or something, but then he has to take tilin for a checkup and that takes the whole afternoon and suddenly it's nighttime and there's just not enough hours in the day. he has a carpool set up with roier and jaiden.

mariana genuinely sucks at babysitting. charlie isn't great either, but mariana would much rather be around juanaflippa with at least one other parent around to help him out. he always loses sight of her at the worst possible moments and it gives him a heart attack every time. charlie meanwhile tells people that family dinners are a chore because that's when he has to spend the most time with his "bitch wife". this isn't exactly true he doesn't hate mariana that much but he's very dramatic about their marital problems. also the entire process of making dinner, and any meals really, for juanaflippa is a headache because of how many allergies she has. of course charlie doesn't mind this his little girl needs to eat, but damn it would be easier if he could just give her a pb & j.

spreen has the energy of a guy who would pass out trying to change a diaper. I have not watched enough of him to know if this is true but it's the vibes i get.

while foolish doesn't dislike socializing he really isn't a fan of all the social events the pta puts on that you have to go to all the time (this definitely has nothing to do with the fact that bad shows up to every single one of these. nope no way not related at all). he'd much rather stay at home sketching out more blueprints (I think he's an architect in this au) or exploring the city with leonarda. vegetta doesn't mind and happily goes to events like these on his own (it's a wonder people still think foolish is the flirt). but vegetta hates home repairs like if the sink busts or something so foolish takes care of that stuff for the family.

jaiden doesn't mind cleaning chores because those give her time to clear her head and she enjoys spending time with the kids so she doesn't mind babysitting either, but cooking is where she fails. girl has burnt water before. she's not allowed near the stove in the house so roier does most of the cooking. meanwhile roier hates doing dishes so it works out for them both.

phil can't stand things that keep him tied up at home for long periods of time. like a full day of house cleaning? nope get him out of there the man needs fresh air at least for a few hours every day. missa dislikes grocery shopping because he can never find what he's looking for or he never brings enough reusable bags or he forgets something- phil does the grocery shopping for them lmao

wilbur has a whole list of mundane chores he absolutely sucks at because he's used to living on the road and keeps forgetting the things you have to do when you're settled in one place for a while. like missa, wilbur also hates grocery shopping. but unlike missa wilbur just uses the wonders of instacart and gets a lot of their groceries delivered to the house. he also sucks at putting laundry away. he's used to keeping his clothes shoved inside a small suitcase you think he's gonna know how to hang stuff or fold it? no he does not. he makes an effort to hang up tallulah's skirts and dresses so she doesn't show up to school in wrinkled clothes, but his own outfits are a mess. at least they're clean. and he also sucks at cooking but like his solution for grocery shopping, he has a dashpass for doordash so he and tallulah eat take out at least 3 nights a week.

bad is like the 50s housewife stereotype except he's a single parent. he cooks he cleans he bakes—he does it all! except vacuuming. on god this man hates vacuuming. I have no explanation for this except I hate vacuuming and I couldn't think of anything else for him

[burrowsembers]

Started this and then gave up..

Burnt Out Embers

Content warnings:football violence,language,adult themes,mentions of military and legacies,stalking and fangirls,violence,ptsd,trauma

Summary:When secrets spread that the quarter back to the Cincinnati Bengals has a girlfriend,leaves the man himself to deal with stalking and fans,an more interviews then ever.

____________

Let me tell you something you already know,the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.It’s a mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are,it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently,you me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life but it’s ain’t about how hard you hit,it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward,that’s how winning is done.

When Joe burrow woke up in the morning in the mix of the day that would be filled with clouds over taking the sky as the sun just started to peak its way out,he found his phone was blown up with texts from his team mates and messages flooding his Instagram.

Joe loved keeping his personal life,personal.He didn’t feel the need to post it to validate the reality of what was going on to make the situation anymore real.

Comments and messages flew in about the speculation that he was seeing someone when a fan found a picture of him talking to a girl with his arm wrapped around them,with comments about girls wishing it was them.

Joe sighed quietly as he sat his phone back down on his nightstand along his side of the bed,as he got up putting a shirt on that matched with a pair of black jeans as he walked out to see his girlfriend sitting at the kitchen counter lost in her own thoughts looking at the bottom of her glass.

He knew more then anyone you had no clue as to what was going on,after you got back you never found yourself to be the one to get in to social media.

“Hey babe” joe spoke softly as his voice was gruffly in the morning smiling as he saw you slowly look up at him pulling out of whatever deep thoughts you had been in.

“Morning” he watched as you smiled getting up to hug him as his arms gently wrapped around you pulling you closer to him as he kissed you.

“I got some team interviews later but when I get back from that you wanna go out with the team and me to the bar or something I have no clue yet” joe chuckled quietly watching as you nodded and made your way to the bedroom to change before he had got his shoes on and headed out to meet the rest of the team for the interviews before one of their biggest games this season.

Joe sat down behind a table with a black cloth as bright lights shined on him as well as cameras and microphones as everyone’s questions were coming at the bengals team.

“What are your feelings and thoughts on the biggest game of your guys season next week?” One of the questions came in as joe found himself tilting his head and giving into the trill to get everyone excited.

“This is our game,and they better come to play” joe smirked as questions kept coming to his other teammates as well before Joe knew it would come sooner then later.

“There’s speculation going around that your a taken man is this correct?” A younger interview asked him as his hand covered his mouth for a moment before it fell down to his lap.

“There’s a difference between quarter back Joe burrow as you guys know and me,I love to keep my personal life off of social media an only out the business side to me out there but yes I am in a very happy and healthy relationship with a girl I truly love.”

[etherealspacejelly]

recently i have found myself unable to watch tv shows. im not entirely sure why but i have several hypotheses:

i am overstimulated from all of the Things happening at the moment that i am very excited about and so cant bring myself to watch a show because that is Even More Stimulation

i am burnt out. i cant watch shows because i have no spoons left and need to recharge

the shows that i am watching rn have become a demand and my pathological demand avoidance is not letting me watch them any more, because i feel like i Have To

any one of these feels plausible. it could even, in fact, be multiple of them at once.

i decided to attempt to remedy this situation by watching a couple of episodes of my Favourite Show Of All Time and my og special interest, doctor who. my reasoning is that if it is overstimulation, doctor who will not provide any additional stimulation because i have seen it thousands of times and therefore know everything that is going to happen; if it is burn out, engaging in my special interest will make me feel better; and if it is PDA, i am avoiding the shows that i feel obligated to watch to give myself a break from the demand.

i think it helped! we will see how i feel tomorrow, but i definitely enjoyed it and i didnt end up just watching youtube or scrolling social media again like i have the past few nights, so i consider that a success!

[1800titz]

are you gonna update TDIAG anytime soon 😭

Hiii.

So, short answer: probably not for a few weeks.

Long answer:

There’s a few different reasons why TDIAG updates have fallen behind.

1. TDIAG is a long fic. And by that, I mean it’s a LOOOONG fic. By now, it’s somewhere over 100,000 words (I believe it’s around 120K or close), with each part being at least 10-20K. The parts for this fic generally take a long time to write, simply because the bar that has been set for each part is a high word count. The basis on which readers consume and writers produce is drastically different, so what may take only a few hours for someone to read has taken me numerous days to write. That being said, it’s really easy to get burnt out writing a lengthy fic where the content is very, very similar in every chapter. TDIAG consists of (mostly) smut, and writing 15,000+ word sex scenes again and again between the same two characters can become really repetitive

2. Also, life is really hectic for me outside of this platform, as I’m sure it is for everyone else. I go to school full time, I work 4-5 days a week, and I have to balance a social life, a romantic life, and hobbies like writing with all of this in mind. It’s a lot easier right now to produce a smaller piece of writing than to make time for another 15-20K of words.

3. I love my little community. I love the feedback I receive. As a writer, it is the greatest reward, and nothing fills me more with a sense of accomplishment than a reblog or a nice word left by a reader. I have never put my content behind a paywall thus far, and all I ever hope to receive for my hard work is feedback. That being said, it’s difficult to find inspiration to spend days writing an update when the notes on TDIAG don’t reflect that readers want to see it. I totally get it, it’s a long fic and there’s OCs, which aren’t in demand on this platform the same way that reader inserts are. But at times it can feel draining to spend hours writing a piece and then realizing that readers just aren’t as interested as they would be in different content

4. Writing shorter pieces where I can play with different tropes and different personalities allows me to avoid a writer’s block. I have crazy, crazy, crazy ADHD, and I have so many tropes and so many AUs I haven’t even shared with you all yet (trust me, @cherryjuiceblues will back me on this and let you all know she gets whiplash from how quick I switch around fics LOL). Writing organically, writing what comes natural to me in the moment is the way I’ve found I can really immerse myself and enjoy writing

5. If I’m not 100% enjoying what I’m writing, if I’m sitting down and forcing myself to write something for the sake of producing an update (as opposed to organically letting words flow for an idea I’m excited about), the content is not going to be my 100%. I would never want to post something that I didn’t pour 100% of myself into, and I’m afraid that if I were to solely focus on writing TDIAG right now for the sake of pumping out an update, then it’s not going to be my best, and I don’t want to share that with my readers.

I know there is a dedicated base of readers anxiously awaiting an update for TDIAG. I am so grateful for you all, and I appreciate you for being patient for me and for sticking around. I will never just up and abandon this story, and I apologize that I’ve put this fic on a short pause, but I hope this clarifies what’s going on behind the scenes and why I’ve been focused on posting other fics in the mean time. Just trying to share my passion for writing in the ways that I can at the moment <3

[bluegoblinfox]

Non verbal or not non verbal?

I've really struggled to express this and why I am having difficulty with not using the term become non-verbal. I'm gen x and I'm trying to understand. Please be kind.

This it's been a part of my life always really. It's just when it got to this point I would hide away my own. It wasn't really an issue in my day-to-day life because I was masking so much. However I would burn out and need to take days and days off work to recover on I've regular basis. Places of work don't like this.

When my daughter was unwell and I was caring for her full time and intensively, I became very burnt out. I Began noticing that I would start to do what I called- loose my words. It would be like there was a fog in my brain between what I was thinking and feeling and putting that into language and then expressing that in words. At its best this would just be a verbal difficulty and at its worse I couldn't communicate in writing either.

When my daughter hit crisis, so did I. When she went into a crisis house and then went into a psychiatric unit, I began to notice the periods of me having difficulty expressing myself with words was becoming more frequent. As I said at best this was a shutdown verbally and at worse it was an inability to communicate using language at all.

It seems like the more stressed I was, the more stressful the situation was, the more emotive situation was and the more communicating I needed to do, the more difficulty communicating I had.

I still have these issues. I can feel them coming on most of the time. When it's all getting too much and I'm shutting down and my communication ability shuts down too. I still use the phrase losing words. However most people don't understand what that means and what it means for me.

I have used the phrase becoming non-verbal to describe my difficulties during these periods. I have recently read on Tumblr from people who are non-verbal all of the time that this is offensive. I don't fully understand at the moment why that is but I want to understand.

I don't feel the term semi verbal quite describes me as the majority of the time I can communicate using my voice and typing. I don't feel the term selective mute is an adequate definition of what it is I experience. I don't know I could be wrong on this.

I don't want to use language which detracts from other autistic's experiences or obstructs understanding. I do however need to use words that other people generally are able to understand the meaning of.

I think discourse is important. It is vital to establish a shared and precise comprehension of the meanings of words. It is equally important to grasp their significance within different social groups. These meanings contribute to the associated ideas, assumptions, and stereotypes related to those words. The common understanding of these words and any prevalent stereotypical beliefs associated with the group they describe can unfortunately result in discrimination and prejudiced actions.

However I don't believe in the gatekeeping of terms, definitions, labels, over who can use them.

I am queer and there are many definitions of what that means. However generally it means not cis-heterosexual.

Queerness like autism is a spectrum consisting of many parts. My queerness is more evident in some parts of my life and less so in others. My autism is impacts me to different degrees in different areas of my life. I am 100% autistic and I am 100% queer. Both those labels apply to me as an individual, as ways of describing my gender identity and sexuality succinctly and as a way of describing my neurotype succinctly.

People are argue all the time about who has the right to use these labels. I don't care if you are self-diagnosed autistic I think that is just as valid as a diagnostic label. I don't care why or for how long or when you decide that you identify as queer. It is just as valid to decide that you are queer in your teens or when you're 50.

I experience not being able to use language verbally at times. I don't understand at present why it would be offensive or wrong for me to say I experience becoming non-verbal at times. As this is a succinct and well understood way of describing this experience in a way that others can understand.

If someone can explain this issue to me in a way that makes sense and can suggest another way of me explaining my experience and getting my point across regarding my support needs to people in general without saying I have periods where I am non-verbal, then I will stop using that term.

[hussyknee]

Have gained an even more disconcerting number of new follows since I last made a post about a disconcerting number of new follows. A little intimidated ngl. I'm just a very medium blog that has the occasional viral post. Tbh I think you'd have to have some kind of really bad karma from a past life to become Tumblr famous. *shudder* Please do not perceive me.

Intro: Sri Lankan, culturally Buddhist (we're all agnostic atheists by default), personally dgaf, mid-thirties, bi ace, cat and dog Mum, chronically ill, divorced, unemployed. Burnt out since 2012, brain storage too full to consume any new media at all since 2019. No, I don't have slutty knees, it's a play on the phonetic pronunciation of my real name.

Be warned: I have half a tertiary education, an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, loud, angry opinions, and about three emotional dysregulation disorders that give me hyperempathy, makes me seem a lot younger than I am, and sometimes interfere with my reading comprehension lol. Follow at own risk, unfollow whenever you feel like it, I never check nor remember either who follows me or who I follow.

Won't wish you happy new year because I can't imagine who would have one under these conditions lmao. I hate social scripts and won't use them if I don't have to. Instead I will say I hope whatever pain you carry eases soon, that you find community and comfort, that you will find moments of real rest, and renewed hope to continue on your path. 🌸💕🌸💕

Here, have a video of Moo and Mau playing. 😊

[dropintomanga]

The Most Joy I've Felt in a Long Time

23 years ago around this time, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and contemplating suicide. Although I got help, I didn't feel like I got better in terms of being resilient in the face of adversity.

Fast forward to today and I'm feeling the most joy I've felt in a very long time. Maybe this is the very first time and I'm in my '40s.

I sometimes felt that drowning myself in anime/manga/video games would get me motivated. In some ways, it has. But I learned over the past 2 years how much I needed to be around people to feel that life is bearable.

In lieu of Suicide Prevention Month, I read this TIME article about the state of mental health care in the U.S. (NOTE: it sucks). Therapists are either very shitty or burnt out. The mental health system is being asked to do more than what it's supposed to do. Everyone knows and is talking about mental health, but things have gotten much worse.

I wish a lot of people who talk about "awareness" realize what people who are emotionally suffering really want. This is a quote from the article linked above.

“I had a rough upbringing. I had a lot of people take advantage of me. I was bullied really badly in school. I needed more than pills. I needed guidance.”

Life is fucking hard and we're all expected to know the answers by ourselves. Who can blame anyone if they start having thoughts of suicidal ideation as a result?

I'm not going to pretend that I have all the answers to suicide prevention, but I do know that being around people who actually care is a solution. And also more importantly, having an actual honest and VERY vulnerable conversation about how we all can be prone to severe emotional distress to the point of suicidal ideation. Because when I hear people say "Nope, that won't ever be me." when it comes to falling into a painful state just like those already in pain, a part of me will go "You REALLY sure about that?"

Maybe that's why I feel a lot of joy right because I knew how vulnerable I am and took gradual steps to make life fun.

I just hope people out there with a history of suicidal ideation can find some joy or have already found it. You don't have to go all big to find those moments. Start small and somewhere, preferably in a safe space and/or with someone who loves you.

I will never blame you for feeling the way you do and I'm rooting for you to be socially resilient in the face of it all with joy.