#I can do this job because nobody cares when or whether I am in the lab as long as I very eventually produce results

[garden-ghoul]

in general kind of pissed off that everyone I talk to at work about my anxiety as to whether I can actually work a normal research job without, like, dying--they are all SO unwilling to engage with this. they're like oh I'm sure you'll find a job! my dude that is not what I'm worried about

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

[tobyfier]

The Mailman

Ah yes, the mailman. The new resident in the apartment, the complete opposite of milkman, aka Francis Mosses. How does Francis feel about the new person in the apartment? Will he hate him or not? Continue reading to find out!

;Male Reader

(P.s English is not my first language, feel free to correct my mistakes!This is also written from Francis’ pov)

ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★ ᯓ★

I didn’t exactly know how to feel about the new resident of the apartment, however I did know his name. M/n L/n was it? Yes, I thinks so. He was..energetic to say the least, quite the surprise considering the current situation about doppelgängers. The other residents didn’t seem to mind his personality, in fact they all seem to like him a lot..If I had to be honest I envy him.

I mean who wouldn’t? He’s nice,energetic,approachable,and pretty charming. Not to mention he seems to enjoy his job as a mailman, while I’m stuck here being the boring milkman. Nobody really approaches me, saying I look intimidating and not much of a social guy..rude but technically yeah, I could care less about socializing and I only want to finish my job for the day so that I could go home, I never really had much of an interest for romance or socializing with other people. But he seems to be the complete opposite, whenever we was by each other he would always flash me a smile and greet me. I never really say hi back but he doesn’t seem to mind that at all. And whenever he delivers a message or package he would always make small talks with the person, whether it be how their day was or how the weather looks nice. Sometimes I wonder how someone can be so sociable with others.

One time he started talking to me ranting something about space and how he likes stars, he wouldn’t stop ranting. And so I told him to stop talking and left..the next day I was doing my usual job as a milkman, delivering milk to people who ordered when I saw him going house to house delivering a mail or a package. And when we went pass each other, I expected him to ignore me considering I rudely left him on the street yesterday. But he greeted me morning as usual..he’s such a strange and unpredictable man.

Few weeks later..

“Hm..” I hummed as I press the doorbell of the house, I put the bottle of milk down and continued walking to the next house. I could already hear the person talk about how much of a loner I am, just like the other houses..ugh I just want this deliveries to get done fast so I can go home and lay down on my bed..Ah there he is again with his upbeat personality, as usual. How can someone talk so much, if I ever tried that I would be tired before I can even manage to say a paragraph. What if I try to greet him back this time, would be nice if I change my pace a bit, right?

“Morning Mr. Mosses, nice to see you again once more!” He greeted, tipping his hat down as he flash me a smile.

“Morning to you too, L/n.” I greeted walking past him, I could tell he stopped walking for a few seconds because I didn’t hear his footsteps, I walked pass him so many times to the point I could distinguish his footsteps from others..would that be weird for others? I looked back to see that he wasn’t walking anymore, rather skipping like a happy person..cute..

Timeskip

Ugh finally, this day is finally over. I could go back home and rest..once the metal door opened I went inside and gave the doorman my ID and blah blah blah, the usual routine. After checking that I was the actual person, they finally opened the door to let me in the apartment. I walked up the stairs to the third floor which was tiring to say the least, and went to get my keys in my pocket. Once I got it I led the key to the knob but noticed something, the door that led to M/n’s room wasn’t lit up as usual. Usually he opens the lights after he’s back from his job, perhaps he’s later than usual? I sighed, it’s probably nothing I’m probably-

“Oh Mr. Mosses!” He greeted, I turned my head to see him standing beside me except..he doesn’t have his hat on, is this the first time I’ve seen him without it? “Looks like you got here first!”

“What do you mean?” I asked him, a bit confused

“Oh it’s nothing..” he said quickly “and uh-here!” He handed me a letter but it’s not showing the front, hold on a letter for me?

“Oh thank-“ before I could even thank him, he was already closing the door, he seems to be in a hurry. I checked the letter to see who it was from and saw that there was a heart, a love letter? But from who.. “From M/n L/n; to Francis Mosses..” I muttered.

Maybe he’s not as bad as I thought..

[crownmemes]

Mean Sentences, Vol. 7

(Mean sentences from various sources. Adjust phrasing where needed)

"Look at you; relieved you didn't disappoint. That's a weakness."

"It really does suck being you, doesn't it?"

"You're incapable of human connection, so you want everyone to be like you!"

"How did they manage to get so many snobs in one place?"

"I liked you better when you were dying."

"Can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?"

"You're a collection of impeccable, elaborate masks in orbit of a stunted heart."

"You truly are pathetic."

"I am disappointed. I should have thought that you would have devised something more original."

"Were you born heartless, or did the job make you like this?"

"My professional and personal view is that you are poison."

"I want you to listen to me because I think you've needed to hear this your whole life. You aren't a good person."

"Can you comprehend even for one second that this is not about you?"

"Nobody wanted to work with you. Nobody wants to work with you now."

"Nobody will ever love you in the way he loves me."

"You've got friends?"

"No, I'm not okay, but that doesn't mean I need anything from you."

"I don't care about you. Not anymore."

"You're cute, but you're not that cute."

"You really have no decency, do you?"

"You're a hard, callous bitch! You're just using me!"

"Whatever gave you the impression that I was remotely interested in your private life?"

"Human? You don't deserve to be human."

"Why should I help you? What have the likes of you ever done to help the likes me?"

"I'd call you an idiot again, but at this point I'm starting to doubt whether you understand what I mean by the word."

"Have you any idea how ridiculous you sound?"

"You are a precocious boy who is perhaps ashamed at how much he likes attention."

"I detest you more than you could ever know."

"When have you ever had a lasting relationship?"

"Your ego is astounding."

"Everyone was right; you're not very nice to know."

"You're nothing but a goddamn coward!"

"You're so banal. In fact, you're so banal it's almost a talent!"

"You're a monster, you know that?"

"Your lack of understanding does not obligate me to explain."

"It's hard to find something in a man who rejects people as much as you do, you know that?"

"You don't belong here. You never belonged here."

"You were doing so well. Now you're being simply foolish."

"Don't you ever get tired of hearing yourself talk?"

"Of all the lies people tell themselves, I bet that's the most common."

[herejusttosufferalong]

To the anon who just sent in about N not being interested in a relationship with L because she is high achieving and he doesn’t have the same ambitions / may not expand her horizons:

I don’t necessarily think this is a deal breaker because this is the dynamic between my husband and I. I am very career focused and ambitious. I have a large online business, a brick and mortar, published books, and am always thinking “what else can I achieve?” It never feels like enough and I always have to be doing something new. I also am very active in social issues and am passionate about advocacy.

When I heard N say “L is uncomplicated in the best way” I thought, “that is exactly my husband. I’ve never figured out how to describe this.”

It’s honestly a great dynamic. He has a great job that he loves, but he’s content in it. He works very hard but he isn’t constantly seeking more in his career and he loves to cheer me on for all my ambitions. I have a feeling this might be what L wants. To have some really good consistent acting jobs, but not necessarily someone who is hustling constantly. I don’t think he’s seeking a huge level of fame.

My husband is a true golden retriever (which I think L would be too for N) and loves to take care of things to make my life less stressful. If the man is strong enough to let the woman be the one who’s soaring more career wise, it can work super well.

He’s also never really thought much about social issues before we were together, but has started caring more and more over time as he sees my passion for it. Something L has expressed N has done for him

I think we forget our partners are not supposed to fill every need we have in life. My husband fills my needs for companionship, physical love & intimacy, and true deep connection and friendship. I have friends in my life who challenge me more mentally. Others who are spontaneous and get me to try new things. And others who are more emotionally intelligent and can engage in more deep life discussions. Our lives should be filled with a community of people who all offer different things. Nobody can be everything for anyone.

It’s clear N & L have a deep connection and other worldly chemistry. I think they both also love each other deeply. Whether they chose to be together or not, time will tell. But it’s clear they shine so bright together and I think they could make each other so happy.

💜🥃

[mysticficti0n]

all my attention part 1

warnings- swearing, smoking, fights (mention of blood), gets a bit sad toward the end

words: 4.8k (im sorry)

If you'd like to read the previous parts → All my attention series

a/n- so I am British and cannot speak any German, I speak a little French, Spanish and Italian but German- no. I also do not trust Google translate so this is gonna be like an avatar thing (if you've seen the newest one Jake says that their language just became normal or something along those lines) so in reality this is all in German, you as a reader know German but, its wrote in English... make sense? no... well. anyways enjoy its my first Kaultiz fic so maybe a little everywhere but please read and enjoy 🤍

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backstory- you are the 5th member of Tokio Hotel and you always thought the love was equally platonic between you and a certain guitarist... but what if that all changed?

I sat backstage messing around with my mic waiting to do sound check, I love my job and I'm lucky to be doing this at 17 but I do miss laying in bed all morning and not having to worry about what I look like constantly "Y/n we need you now!" our stage directer called to me pulling me from my thoughts, I stood fixing my sweatpants around my hips and carried myself to stage were Gustav was sat taping away at his drums "okay just need to go through where you'll stand in schrei" I nodded waiting for the man to decide "go top left" I complied and made my way to the corner near to the blonde boy

"does my snare sound normal to you?" I herd Gustav ask then a loud hit on the skin of the drum, it was lower sounding then usual

"no.. maybe tighten it again" he nodded and began playing with the bolts at the side

"Y/n can you speak into your mic" he asked sitting on one of the plastic chairs in the pit

"hellllooooo" I spoke getting a laugh from the drummer

"perfect...okay your done can you send Georg out" I nodded walking back out wiping my eyes as I made my way into our backstage room, 'quickest sound check ever' I thought to myself

"Georg they need you" he huffed rolling his eyes and grabbing his bass

"its way to early for all this" I agreed "its half fucking six!" he grumbled leaving the room, my attention turned to the only other person in the room, Tom, he was slouched on the sofa with his dreads freely sat on his head, we near enough had the same outfit on except he was wearing no shirt, as usual

"how did it go?" he spoke looking up to me to which I shrugged "oh Bill wont be back till like 12 he has meetings and vocal shit to do"

"I thought, anyways how was yours?" I spoke referring to the soundcheck

"well my guitar wouldn't come through the speaker, then the mic cut and I tripped so, perfect" I laughed at his words "anyways wanna smoke?"

"yeah" I hummed seeing him stand and grab his cigarettes from my bag I brought with me, we pushed the exit doors open and walked into the warm morning air that was finally in Germany, it felt like it had been winter for ages but finally It was warming up "I don't know whether I feel like performing tonight" I sighed as he handed me a cigarette, I brought it to my lips and he lit it for me

"why not? you love it" he was right but today just felt like... not a good day to do anything "you'll be fine when we get out there, I know you will"

"I just.. I don't know" I hummed breathing white smoke from my lips

"is it because of Brian?" Tom spoke making my head snap to him

"Brian! no of course not, me and him were done weeks ago I don't fucking care about him" I defended

"because you know he's gonna be their tonight Y/n. look I'm not the one to usually say this but nobody else is saying it- you broke up only two weeks ago and you've ignored what your feeling"

"fuck Kaulitz you're going soft" he laughed taking a drag "and I don't have a 'feeling'"

"I don't give a shit.. wait no I give a shit about you, not him, but honestly are you okay?" he spoke placing an arm over my shoulder to which I sighed again resting my head on him

"i...no, but I don't wanna think of it uno, he made me believe he loved me and that he was the one but all I saw was him hitting it off with a stupid bimbo" Tom's grip tightened comforting me "am I that bad?" I asked laughing solemnly

"I mean.. I" Tom began with a sly smile

"fuck off" I laughed shoving the dreaded man

"hey! I'm joking" he rolled his eyes at my childishness

"but I am sexy as fuck, I have piercings, fuck I dye my hair and yet I'm not better than a skanky, badly blonde haired big lipped whore" Tom shook his head stamping out his cigarette to which I followed

"well tonight play like the git isn't there and if anything find a fan pull them up and kiss their god-damn lips" Tom was a bastard for revenge, when his last girlfriend broke up with him (many years ago) he slept with 5 girls and sent her a picture with the caption 'pussy4ever' I looked back to the boy as he began to speak again "or kiss me?" he smiled wriggling his eyebrows

"yeah sure I will Thomas" we both laughed, in fairness we always found ourselves subtly flirting with one another but never really meant it, the little jokes, touchiness, it was all good fun. We walked back inside and watched as Gustav came off stage swirling drum sticks around his fingers and Georg with a grumpy look across his face

"whats wrong with you sunshine?" Tom spoke holding the backstage room door open for me which I whispered a 'thank you' and sat onto the brown, cold, leather sofa

"fucking bass wouldn't link!" he groaned going to the fridge in the corner and pulled out a water "every time we kept trying and in the end it was the wrong line" Georg slammed against the wall and hit his head

"dude calm down its fixed now" Gustav spoke looking at the bassist who was in no need of being told to 'calm down' Tom sat himself next to me and rested an arm around the back of the sofa occasionally tapping my shoulder and laughing every time I looked to see who it was, we all sat in a comfortable silence all In our own worlds- I was worried for tonight, seeing Brian again is making feel like I need to be sick, I just hoped I wouldn't mess up my parts.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

we were all quickly pulled from our heads and turned to the door where Felix our stage director was stood "we need you all, don't bring your stuff" he spoke in a hurry and running back to who knows where, we all sighed internally and stood up. Being closest to the door I held it open for the other 3 but they all waited

"just go-"

"Y/n we have this argument all the time" Gustav pushed me through the door before I could even argue back and they followed out laughing as I shoved the drummer back with a yelp leaving his mouth. We made it to the stage and walked to the middle, the feeling in my stomach got considerably worse as for the first time I realised how big the show was going to be my eyes curled around the room I couldn't even see the end of the building

"what are we doing?" Tom asked coming to stand next to me and resting his arm on my shoulder as for him I was 'perfect arm height'

"well I need to explain lights to you-" we all gave a small look to one another, nobody want to stand and listen to how the lights will be during the set but we also all knew we had no choice "so when you-" I acted like I was listening but I faded away, I stared right threw Felix and I imagined Brian instead, those fucking dark blue eyes, curly brown hair and that emotionless face he pulled when he said 'we're over' it's been 2 weeks since it happened and Tom was right I didn't really show that I was upset in front of anyone or how the moment haunts me, but they don't see what happens behind closed doors...

"Y/n" I herd a whisper into my ear and I looked to the boy beside me, his eyes looked worried "we need a few minuets" Tom's voice cracked through what Felix was saying and before the older man could interject I was pulled away back behind the curtain "you need tissue" he spoke, my forearm still in his hand as he dragged me into the bathroom next to our backstage room

"Tom I'm fine" he shook his head pulling toilet roll off and folding Into a square

"so do please tell me why you're crying?" I sighed, I knew he wouldn't stop till he got an answer or something from me

"strobes make me emotional" I spoke looking to the floor but he wasn't playing around

"look at me" he commanded but my head wouldn't let me, and I just stared to my shoes "please" at that it was like a release button was pressed and my head snapped up, our eyes met straight away but vision became watery "talk to me-"

"what did I do Tom? I tried everything, he had everything he said he wanted, and he's the only fucking one who's ever wanted me for me, not because of you four guys, not because of my work or money, he wanted me!" I sobbed as for the first time I finally told someone how I really felt "I haven't said a thing but to know he'll be here tonight makes me feel like shit- I can't look at him Tom, after everything we did and for him... for him to say its over and the same night fuck a girl kills me every day! I loved him and this is what I got-" I called in an almost scream, I leant against the wall and slid down until I could feel the tile on my legs and I just held my head, crying into my palms

"I know, and I know its going to be hard babe I know" he spoke and I felt his hand stroke my head "and he wont be the only one to ever want you, so many people will, I promise, you can find someone so much better- fuck sake you're Y/n Y/l/n!. and tonight we'll play the best we ever have just to show him, and I swear to fuck he tries anything on you, he'll be dead" I nodded finally lifting my head and looking towards the boy who just opened his arms for me while crouching, quickly I jumped to him which for the first time in a while- I felt at peace

"yeah..yeah we will" I breathed hiding my face in his neck

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6:00pm (one hour before the show)

"HELLO!" a voice rung into the room followed by a spiky haired boy who walked through the door "fuck me its dull in here" he laughed coming over to sit on his make-up chair

"where the fuck were you!" Tom called to his twin In a angry tone

"meetings and voice stuff" the other brother came back with

"you said you'd be back by 12!" Tom shouted

"I got caught up alright get over it I'm here!" Bill rolled his eyes and slipped of his shirt and began changing for the show, I decided it'll be best if I did the same, the other 3 were ready anyways

"I'll be back" I spoke getting up and going to my bag pulling my outfit out and walking to the bathroom. I locked the door and stared at myself in the mirror, my hair really needed a re-dye, the Y/H/C was really starting to fade, moving on I took off my vest and bra and pulled a lacy black one out and slipped it over me so I didn't have to unclip it, I saw a glimmer of light in the bag and pulled it out seeing a matching thong 'Fucking Clair' I smiled to myself and quickly slipped it on, I did look good I couldn't lie, I posed in the mirror and fixed my hair around my head- I needed a photo "CAN SOMEONE GRAB MY PHONE!" I called waiting to hear a knock as I combed through my hair with my nails

"here- woah" I herd a voice behind me say and I quickly turned seeing Tom looking me up and down with a smirk appearing on his face "who's that for?" he asked leaning against the door frame, his eyes set on my body

"well first of all- how did you get in I locked it, secondly its not for you Kaulitz so don't get you're hopes up" I spoke facing him and his eyes only widened "get out Tom" I laughed seeing him raise his hands in defence

"hey! don't blame me" he smiled placing the phone on the side and walking out and shutting the door which I promptly locked smiling at the idiocy of the boy "dudes she is in a thong!" I herd Tom telling the rest to which they all 'ooo'ed at

"CREEPS" I shouted hearing an up roar of laughter, I rolled my eyes and carried on pulling the phone up and snapping a few pictures of myself, then I grabbed the skirt which just about covered anything and a white top which usually matched Tom's as we decided we'd being doing that for the next few shows. I left the bathroom holding my old clothes and phone and saw all their heads spin to the door "god you guys need to get some pussy or something" I grinned seeing them all blush

"do a twirl Y/n" Bill spoke re-directing the conversation and so I did and he clapped when I bowed

"don't do that on stage if you're facing the crowd" Gustav smirked "I just saw your ass and I don't think your mother would be impressed if that happened"

"good call, someone write- don't bend at audience!" Georg spoke settling in his seat, we all sat and could hear the faint chats of the audience that was arriving, I began pacing around the room humming my lyrics to myself over and over

"smoke?" Tom asked to which I passed him out the door and waited for him outside, the cool night air hitting my skin "here- you need to calm the fuck down" I nodded taking the cig out the box

"I just don't wanna mess up" he smiled at me, lighting the end of the tobacco and then his own "what if they boo me or leave?"

"babe they won't" his hand wrapped around my waist and held me gently "everyone loves you out there, I've seen at least 100 people in your shirts, you've got it" I looked up to him and our eyes connected instantly "if anything look to me I'll do something alright?"

"like trip up or was that only for soundcheck?" he fake laughed rolling his eyes again making me smile, the distance seemed to shorten, we do have our moments but those are funny- this felt real...? tension building around us, eyes locked and ash falling by our feet

"you know-" he began

"TOM Y/N COME ON!" Bill crashed threw the door, hair standing on end and dressed in black (new for him) we quickly broke apart and took one last drag from our smokes before kicking them out and walking inside, people crowded us giving us mics, drum sticks, picks, guitars, sprays, you name it we probably had it

"WELCOME.... TOKIO HOTEL" the speakers sounded and the twins swagged onto the stage followed by me and Georg and Gustav last going to his kit

"GOOD EVENING TRIER" Bill called and the crowd erupted "how we all doing?" and the screams made us smile, it was such a familiar feeling but seeing everyone happy helped, Bill looked to me and gestured for me to come over so I brought myself to the front of stage passing Tom who winked to me getting a 'ooo' from the people in the room who saw, the black haired boy placed his arm around my head and the sea of people snapped pictures and screamed my name

"I think I know what the people want" I spoke with a smile, jokingly the boy 'leaned in' and screams of anticipation filled the building "no not that" I called as we pulled away and the boys behind got the cue to start playing schrei and I ran back to my place hearing the cheer only get louder as Bill began to sing- we loved destroying the imaginations of our fans, its thrilling there was always rumours, usually around me and that I am 'fucking them all' but it's defiantly not the case.

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It was time, I saw the boys look towards me and with a breath I joined the lead singer up front, being a backing singer I wasn't needed much but I was showing something tonight "so you all see my gorgeous girl Y/n here?" Bill spoke pulling me to the front of the stage, hands spiked up everywhere scratching to touch just a thread of our clothing "she has some news!" with a toothy smile Bill past me his mic and backed away back to the group behind- I wasn't used to being centre stage but it was crazy, I could see everything (ish) smiles and tear stained faces

"so you all know we haven't had new music in a few months right?" they all shouted incoherent words "well- you seem like a crowd who'd wanna see some new material!?" I looked back to the boys who were all dopily smiling at me as the people infront blew up in shouts "okay okay so, I wrote this song when I was at not an amazing time in my life.. I felt like giving up but instead, with the help of these, I wrote my feeling into a song, usually this would be preformed by our lovely Bill but.. just got tonight, I'll be singing" I hyped and the band got into places to start playing don't jump

I began singing the words and walking around the tip of the stage holding the hands of as many as I could 'On top of the roof The air is so cold and so calm I say your name in silence' until my eyes landed on him- the words seemed to be pulled from my mouth, everything went silent and he knew what he'd done to me... the song was partially made because of what he did before we broke up, my mind switched as I herd the strum of Tom's guitar- remembering his words 'and tonight we'll play the best we ever have just to show him, and I swear to fuck he tries anything on you, he'll be dead' with a breath I carried on stomping my way back up stage to the rest of the band Bill was off the other side by Georg and I went to my place by Tom, a smile smothered his face as I stood facing him 'hi' he mouthed, I let my free hand reach for his face and held his jaw getting a roar from the fans, Tom placed a kiss to my palm and I soon let go trying to hide a very big blush from swamping my face and our next move came to play- we both turned back to back as his strummed his guitar, I leant against him spilling my lyrics until the beat jumped again 'I scream into the night for you Don't make it true Don't jump The lights will not guide you through They're deceiving you Don't jump' I walked back to mid stage being followed by Georg first who smiled at me and banged his head, then by Tom who only smirked sending me a wink. I got to the edge of the stage and hands reached to me and I tried to hold them all 'And if all that can't hold you back I'll jump for you' the song ended and the building blew up, cheers, screams, claps it was a rush, I blew kisses to them all, my mind forgot about what I was thinking before. Bill and Gustav joined us at the front and we all did a joint bow getting a laugh from us all, the others let go but Toms arm still stayed around my shoulder pulling me close

"see told you they'd love it" he whispered I smiled looking to him, he was sweaty and panting slightly as when he concentrates to much he forgets to breath, his arm pulled me even closer and he planted a kiss to my forehead before the lights turned off- our queue to get off stage the 5 of us were ushered off and as I stepped over to be in the backstage area someones arms scooped me into a hug though I couldn't see because the whole place was pitch black "Ugh you did so well" it was Tom's voice, calming me instantly "they loved the song!" he spoke settling me down but still had me close "told you they would" I looked back to the sweaty guitar player and he pulled my head to his as he pressed a kiss to my forehead again

"get room!" Gustav poked erring a laugh from he rest "nobody wants to see a softy Kaulitz!"

"eh what do ya mean- he aint soft" Tom quipped eyeing his friend up

"gross" Gustav laughed walking his way back to our room, me and the other boy followed and walked in to see Bill lay on the sofa with his makeup nearly rolling down his face due to being so hot

"Y/n I can't get over the audience" the black haired man spoke "god... that was one of my fave ever shows"

"I can't get over it" i went to my bag and pulled my cigarettes out and the boys all seemed to perk up again "coming?" I joked seeing them all get up as we went to the outside, it was dark with only the security lights illuminating the floor, I handed them all a ciggy and pulled my lighter out and burning the end "I saw Brian, he was just kinda stood there" they hummed "I'm over it- he can fuck who ever he fucking wants because none will ever be as good as me" I groaned feeling the hot smoke going out my mouth

"I saw him and he just looked sad, he misses you, I can tell" Bill spoke getting a shove from Gustav "what? I doesn't matter. All I was saying is that he looked sad probably because Y/n/n was happy unlike when he last saw her" I laughed, we stood in a silence finishing our cigs, stepping them out and walked into a runner calling all our names

"BILL!...GEORG!?" he looked out off breath "Finally- we need you all, meet n' greet" we all had the realisation and practically sprinted to our room and began to spray any aftershave or perfume we could find as after running round and singing you sweat, meaning we don't smell the best, me and Bill fixed our eyes and hair and then we all walked out like we hadn't just shit ourselves and made our way to the front of the building to see a line of (mostly) fan girls crying out

┍━━━━━━━━━━ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ━━━━━━━━━━┑

"thank you so much I loved the show and the new song! holy shit it was amazing" a girl named Bethany spoke hugging us all one last time, we were told not many more people so we fixed ourselves up and waiting for the next person

"I love the flowers" I spoke looking at the roses a girl called Alicia brought me "is their anyone else-" as I spoke the door opened with Erik (our runner) holding it for the next fan, we all looked up and saw a brunette boy.... blue eyes "what the fuck do you think you're doing?... seriously!" Brians eyes were red and face tear stained, I felt myself tense up at the sight, all the boys stood scarily still

"I want to talk to you babe" his voice shook, those eyes staring into mine, its like he didn't realise he was in a room of people who really did not like him "please its me... baby please"

"don't call her baby" Tom grumbled " she doesn't have to do shit for you" I looked toward the boy, his hands in a ball already he moved quickly, towering over Brian

"Tom" Bill warned but no remorse went to his twin, we all watched as Tom stared down at Brian saying words to fast to even work out, Brain looked like he was about to break down nodding his head

"and I'm not fucking lying- you ever touch her, talk to her, anything... I wont fucking stop until you can't move and my hands are red- understand?" I looked toward the others, I wasn't scared for Brian but more worried that something would happen, Georg got the memo and walked to the guitarist placing a hand on his shoulder, I saw Tom relax and walk back to us leaving my ex standing with shock on his face, he looked back to me

"please" he pleaded 'shit' is all I thought as I saw Tom's face drop, his knuckles white he stormed back to Brian "...dude-" he squealed before the guitarist had him up the door slamming him back and forth, I watched as my ex's face became red trying to shove Tom back but him being a lot shorter- he had no chance, perfect "GET THE FUCK OFF ME DICK!" he shouted and Bill grabbed his brothers shoulder and pulled him off

"leave I-" the singer couldn't finish as a fist flew into his shoulder "WHAT THE FUCK" Bil'ls hand collided with Brians face sending him back quickly followed by Tom punching down at the boy, nobody touches the other twin without the other one getting involved. The fight continued until a scream cut the room, blood was on Toms arm and he stepped back, Gustav was keeping me back by our picture wall and Georg stood next to him and seized looking over

"damn-" Gustav hummed, I looked over to see Brian holding his nose and Tom proudly standing above

"this is your fucking fault Y/n... I should've dated you-" his words stung "this would have never bloody happened if I had just left you earlier!" my heart ached "fuck" he grumbled standing against the door, I looked to his eyes- black and blue. He took a step forward, stumbling slightly but he quickly found his feet again and came at me "YOU DID THIS!" I turned back waiting for my pain- a punch, a slap, a kick but I never felt it THUD I opened my eyes to see Georg on the floor slamming his fist into the boy again- he was really getting the works tonight

"BA-ST-ARD" he chanted before the door burst open to two runners with astonished faces who quickly grabbed their walkie-talkies and spoke some words I couldn't work out, within seconds security rammed in pulling Georg off of Brian who looked even worse and we were all taken back out "fucking dick what did he think he was doing!" and the five of us were pushed out the room

"arsehole" Tom stormed "hope he's in fucking pain for ages-"

"I can't believe he tried to punch me, ME!" Bill shook his head going through to our room I walked with Gustav giving him a 'look' to which he only nodded at "he's a dick" the boys all sat and I just stared into the mirror- those 5 minuets felt more like hours and I just didn't have any words

"this is your fucking fault Y/n... I should've dated you-"

"this would have never bloody happened if I had just left you earlier!"

"YOU DID THIS!"

those sentences flying around my head, I couldn't pull myself away from it, I just looked at myself, I just felt- wrong

"what the hell! why did I just have to see security drag a bloody nosed kid out that room!" Our stage manger burst in "you lot are a world famous band we don't need stunts like that being pulled! 16 people have had to miss a meet n greet because of it!" he shouted but I couldn't hear him really- I wasn't there "Y/n!" he shouted snapping me back

"I'm sorry" I spoke turning to face him

"it's not her fault" Gustav spoke "he was fucking deranged" I laughed slightly looking back at him with a smile

"I don't care! its not a funny matter, its disappointing" we all nodded as he walked out, I turned to the boys and looked to the twins, Tom had blood over him still and Bill just looked pissed off

"I think I'm going to go to the hotel..." I spoke grabbing my bag off the side and hanging it over my shoulder and pulling my skirt lower to feel more covered "bye-"

"wait-" someone spoke "I'll come lemme clean myself up first- five mins" it was Tom, I nodded and settled myself onto my make up chair watching him run to the bathroom

"we're not annoyed at you Y/n, its not your fault" Georg spoke coming over stroking my shoulder "he's a prick"

"I know- I just feel bad, you all basically got hurt because of him and the whole thing was so pathetic I doesn't even seem real like.."

"yeah I get it- its fine, just sleep it off alright" I agreed and watched through the mirror Tom come back in

"ready?"

[akookminsupporter]

Namjoon gave a good interview to Vogue Spain and in it he said a few things that I thought I'd share with those of you who may not understand Spanish.

This was at the end of the article but I want to write it first:

One thing that needs to be made clear about this album is that, no matter how much the rumour mill is trying to spin it, it is by no means the end of the successful band. "Oh, I'm not leaving BTS. Absolutely not. This is the first time I'm launching a solo project like this, so I'm trying to stand up and take my first steps. But I'm ambitious and I have willpower. So I don't want to miss the opportunity to do both. So I will try my best not to lose control and steer these two ships at the same time. A lot of bands split up and fall apart, but I hope that doesn't happen to BTS. I just love the music, I love my job, I love the band members and I love myself. If I can keep both projects going, I think it can be something legendary in the long run".

Other important parts of the article:

"The k-pop industry hasn't stopped growing since we debuted with BTS [in 2013]. It's become a lot more complex and has brought a lot more people into its structures. I think there are a lot of lights, but also some slippery shadows. Many of us started our careers very early as a group: we slept and lived together as teenagers. We became a real family, which is great, but this culture has also affected me a lot, because sometimes I find it difficult to be treated as an adult who has autonomy in his decisions. I'm perceived as just another cog in the crew, in the context of a mass phenomenon",

Did you ever feel like you were getting completely lost in this delirium of success? "I used to think so, but the funny thing is that I am fully aware that it was my own choice to devote myself to the k-pop industry. Nobody pushed me into it. But yes, I have lost myself at times. Although perhaps saying this is an excess of 'self-empathy'. There is no answer. Except that, if k-pop is about recharging the batteries of a mass audience and I'm responsible for doing that recharging, then I have to keep my feet firmly on the ground. As an adult, as a musician and as a human being. And these ten years of my career have helped me define who I am and learn to love myself. But I'm still in that process, you know? All these internal struggles will be recorded on records and videos," he explains.

"Music is really necessary for the world, but, when it comes to my music, sometimes I feel like I'm producing something unnecessary. If I were to die tonight, I don't think anything would change. It might matter to some people for a while, but a farmer or a street sweeper is more relevant to the functioning of society. When I ask myself about the role of our generation in historical terms, when I look at all the digital platforms and communities out there, I am overcome with confusion. There are a lot of people who don't want to think. They have frenetic lives and turn to music or television to escape, so the last thing they want is someone trying to lecture them from a pedestal. In that context, I wonder how I can make my music matter. I haven't found an answer yet, but I keep trying to bring my own perspective to it.

As to whether he is afraid that the army he has on Instagram (42.4 million followers) might one day turn against him for a silly mistake or a blunder, RM answers bluntly. "Yes, it scares me. It scares me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When I was younger I tried to come across as a cool guy who doesn't give a shit what other people think, but I don't think that's right anymore. I care about the publicity dimension of my career and the influence I can have on others. It stresses me out, yes, but I think I can handle it. That's why I don't retire or do things like go out and drink the night away and then drive drunk. I'm human, I can make mistakes, but I will do everything in my power to be the best version of myself. One of the keys is to treat this job for what it is: a job. I don't think artists have any special rights or status.

Note: if you would like me to translate another part of the interview, let me know.

[nostalgia-tblr]

My Next Attempt At Long Fic (by which I mean more than 10000 words and it has chapters) Should Be...

Poll and the (actually quite long) gist of each option below le cut:

The Sylki Con Artists AU

This one I have a wee bit written of already but I go back and forth on this one because it's Alternative Universe - Modern Setting and I feel like there's already a lot of those (which I also complain about a lot), and I have to justify it to myself as an experiment in whether I can do a Sylki Modern AU that doesn't just end up as "two people called Loki and Sylvie do normal stuff together". That's why they are con artists in this! Because 1) MISCHIEF (or crime, or whatever) and 2) if they have the same 'job' for similar reasons and I go on about them being similar a lot then that's maybe as close as reality can get to selfcest. (The selfcest is not just a feature of sylki, I feel it is THE feature and to admit to being Bad At Shipping (again) I'm just not that interested in it if they're different people who aren't even aliens. The same alien.) (You can tell me they are gods all you want but I've seen enough Doctor Who to know that must be A LIE so I reject it as such.)

The plot is that they meet in a bar one night and shag (obviously!) and then the reader discovers that Loki is trying to buy a painting from an old woman (planning on ripping off both her and his own buyer) and Sylvie is an artist who is selling a forged painting to some posh twat on the internet who she knows is trying to rip off her fake old lady persona on the deal but she's selling him a fake painting anyway so at least he deserves to be conned. They meet up a few times before finally realising that they are in fact conning each other under fake names on the internet, and then I have to try and fix it when they inevitably get mad at each other because of it. Also, Thor works in a shop because the brodinsons are Downwardly Mobile (dad spent all their inheritance, oh no!) Plotwise Loki is going to actually need Sylvie's painting for reasons I have not yet entirely worked out so one way or another they will have to eventually forgive each other for being con artists as they themselves are and for having attempted to con each other.

Ideally I will be able to make this one funny in some way, as I think the concept can get absurd enough to make a rom-com out of it.

2. The Jotun Heat Fic (also sylki)

I was into this one for about a day and now I have second thoughts because I am not sure I care enough about Frost Giant Biology to have to write an entire fic about it. It would continue my tradition (I did it once, that's enough for it to be a tradition) of turning a tiny ficlet into a much longer thing. This one: The Opposite of Heat, in which Loki and Sylvie go into whatever the Jotun equivalent of the fandom fave 'mating cycles/in heat' trope is, having never done so before because (see if you can guess...) they've never previously spent enough time around another Jotun for the hormones to kick in properly. They have no idea this can happen, and what starts out as Fun Porno-Fic Times soon gets a bit worrying and then I suppose they have to Investigate and that's the bit I fear might end up boring me.

This is set in an AU where S2!Loki did not instantly demand that Sylvie help him with his cop friends' problems and instead just went to live in Oklahoma with her, so the other/'real' plot is them getting used to living together and the weird-but-sexy medical issue bringing them into conflict because of course the first place Loki wants to go for help is the TVA (this not unreasonable of him, as they have a lot of info in their archives and he has no other friends anyway), which Sylvie is not keen on as she would rather just avoid them for the rest of forever. Gosh, I hope nobody goes to the TVA for help behind anyone else's back!

I need a way to make this one stay interesting once it gets to the Find Out What Is Happening part and also it needs to not just immediately end with a sensible solution like just going to Jotunheim and asking someone there for a talk about the frost-birds and the frost-bees.

Also I think they should fuck in that McDonalds. Just because.

3. Jotunheim Rejects The Guy Who Cannot Possibly Be Its Rightful King, Because I'm Annoying Like That AU (not thorki)

Speaking of going to Jotunheim, you know all those fics where Loki goes to be the Rightful King Of Frostland, as Odin apparently planned all along? That but it doesn't work, because I am not at all convinced he can have been Laufey's heir (who the fuck infanticides their only male heir?!) and even if he was well it'd just look awful, wouldn't it? Crusty Old Odin, worst friend to Jotunheim for several years running, sends back your kingdom's heir having raised him as one of his own family. (I hope at least one of you is thinking "US-Backed Puppet Ruler Who Will Do Whatever The CIA Tells Them To" because I did too! Ooh, geopolitical barely-subtext!)

The problem with this one for me is it requires a fairly large cast of Original Jotun Characters, and I still fear writing OCs because of the constant 'Mary-Sue' complaints in my fannish youth. Also I would Controversially (LOL not really) make some of them women, including Angrboda the ambitious would-be consort and Laufey's tragically spurned lover who on finding out that her long-dead son is not dead makes the most of it by insisting everyone call her 'My Lady, the King's Mother' (yes, I stole that from History but I do that sort of thing now, for the LOLs). So I have a bit of an idea what happens in this one, though I'd need to think of more political type plot stuff and also I just finished writing a multichapter fic that involved the Jotun succession so maybe I'd be overdoing it if I did this one now as well.

The other problem is Jotuns are too fucking tall. I mean really. This doesn't seem to bother anyone else but they are Too Fucking Tall to interact with the shorter characters, to the point that it just seems accidentally comedic to me. Just imagine the totally-not-a-puppet king of Jotunheim sitting on a massive throne, swinging his wee legs in the air. And I don't know how to work around that other than just saying "they are Less Fucking Tall in this fic" and I don't know if that would just annoy people. Also it does feel a bit incendiary to go against the general fandom insistence that Loki Is Totally The Rightful King Of Jotunheim. Though I suppose in this he is, it's just that he attempts to become so in the sort of circumstances that make everyone start saying things like "are we really that keen on our monarchy?" or at least "surely there's a cousin or an uncle we could give the crown to instead? yeah, even a woman would do. no, she doesn't have to be alive if there are only dead ones available."

(It was a mistake to let me read books about the Wars of the Roses, wasn't it?)

Oh and this isn't a thorki fic, but Thor is going to go to Jotunheim with his bro to help him settle in and also he will be going back to rescue him from it at the end. Bros before snows!!!!

[starsinkpop]

ATEEZ Kim Hongjoong Tarot Reading - Ideal Type

Disclaimer: I do tarot readings for fun, so please read them with a grain of salt. Don’t take my words too seriously and just keep an open mind. Tarot is a divination tool that can’t predict the future, as every single individual has their own will and makes their own decisions. Tarot is not a fixed fate. It should be seen as a guidance and a good friend that just has your best interest and gives you advice when needed. I’m not putting anyone in my readings on a pedestal nor am I trying to harm anyone. One last side note, I’m not a native speaker, so please excuse any wrong spellings or poor grammar.

Date of Reading: May 26th 2024

Deck: Edgar Allan Poe Tarot

Their personality - King of Wands, Seven of Swords, Six of Wands (R)

Hongjoong’s ideal type is someone charismatic and visionary. He wants a team player. I see someone who takes every opportunity they can get, whether that’s job wise or just general in life to improve themself. Hongjoong wants someone who’s successful, a leader. It feels like he wants someone who takes care of him and takes the responsibilities in the relationship, because that way he can rest his mind for a moment.

However, his ideal type could be ruthless at times as well, there’s a certain confidence he likes, even arrogance. I’m getting this vibe of someone who seems hard to reach and to approach. Quite intimidating if they want to. They should know their value. His ideal type should be secretive, he doesn’t want his private life out there so it makes absolute sense. He likes the mystery of someone who has the biggest poker face and is hard to read.

I see Hongjoong being into someone feisty and strategic. Always one step ahead of everyone else. Someone smart. He wants someone who is honest. Hongjoong could be into someone who’s kinda against all traditions, someone a bit more rebellious. His ideal type doesn’t shy away from showing their jealousy when he’s talking or flirting with others. He feels drawn to some bad vibes, a troublemaker. Always speaking their mind, no matter what. The energy of the person he’d be into I’m getting is mafia boss, I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like an underdog that society looks down at but they’re incredibly bad ass, confident and powerful, even though nobody expects them to be. He could be into someone with dominant fire and air placements in their chart.

Appearance - Eight of Pentacles, Nine of Wands (R), Ace of Cups (R)

Hongjoong’s ideal type has a bit of a serious face, a rbf. I see his focus being on hands. He loves hands, but not the typical pretty hands, he likes working hands, I see some stains, some scars, rougher hands. Not conventionally pretty hands. In general I see him being fond of scars, as they tell a story. I think he likes dark under eye circles, finds them aesthetically very pleasing. The could go into the grunge directions for makeup. Hongjoong falls easily for someone with a naturally sad or melancholic look on their face. Someone who looks kinda pale or sick. Their energy or aura should be distant in some way. For the bodytype or age I couldn’t read much tbh. He’s could be into someone who’s sturdy or kinda muscular and someone who looks a bit younger but probably isn’t.

For style I’m getting someone who’s into second hand stuff, but they individualize every piece of clothing they get and make it their own. He could also be into someone wearing certain work clothes, like specific uniforms for example. He would love some ripped clothes, used look type of clothes. I’m not getting any crazy colors or patterns, I see very muted colors and something more minimalistic.

•••

Love, Nicky 🫧

Masterlist

[swaps55]

After I read your latest Mezzo chapter (Chef’s kiss!) I started another reread of the whole series. (The fifth? Sixth? I lost track ^^) Anyway, I just came across the “MSV Fleur de Lis” incident that ends in Wong being expelled from the team and consists of one of the few (if not the only) glimpses we get on how Sam is around children.

Not for the first time I thought about your take on whether or not he and Kaidan will be having kids in the future. I can totally relate to Kaidan’s way of thinking - not wanting to “burden” Sam with another responsibility but making it possible for him to live a life just for himself. And nobody else.

I was wondering - do you think they’ll talk about this? Is that a decision they make together? Or is it just Kaidan who decides for the both of them without actually telling Sam? Will that ever be a topic? What would Sam do if he realizes at one point that Kaidan gave something up for him? Assuming Kaidan would like to have kids ..

This is a really excellent question with a complicated answer because their writer makes it complicated. Kids are unfortunately a very sensitive subject for me to write about (this question is absolutely fine or I wouldn't have answered it), so in essence I am making this decision for them and backing into why it's in character, because a life with kids is not something I can write about.

I'm saying this mostly to give a peek into some of the writing process. Especially in fanfic, where events and decisions and character beats can come predefined, sometimes the question you have to ask yourself isn't "how does this character respond to X," it's "this character responded to X with Y, why did that happen?" In this case I am defining the character response to this question because it's a boundary for me, but now it's my job as the writer to make sure that decision feels in character.

Anyway - do Sam and Kaidan talk about this decision? Probably, even if it doesn't wind up on the page. You're right - Sam is good with kids. I wanted that glimpse you get in Cantata to show that. There's a Cantata-era story I really, really want to find the time to write that is based around the thought that sometimes we become the people we needed when we were young. I think part off the reason Sam is good with kids comes from the fact that he grew up with an inattentive, distant parent, so he gives kids his full attention. Also, he had an interrupted childhood. There's a part of him that didn't get to be a kid, so kids bring out the kid in him that never got to be.

But I do think the fact he is so much like his mother would scare him when it comes to the possibility of parenthood. He might bring up kids thinking that it's something Kaidan might want, and Sam's a giver. But he'd probably feel a lot trepidation over the suggestion, and relief when Kaidan kindly, but firmly says no.

Kaidan knows Sam, and knows how easily he'll compromise himself to make someone he cares about happy, so he might keep it close to the vest why he doesn't want kids. Because if Sam sniffs out that it's because Kaidan doesn't want Sam to have to feel that pressure, he'd probably push back thinking he's taking something away from Kaidan.

But I think Kaidan believes it for himself, too. They have given up so much and done so much, that they deserve to be a little selfish. He's shared Sam with an entire galaxy for years. In many ways, Commander Shepard will always belong to other people. So wanting to keep Sam for himself is something I can see him feeling, and wanting to relieve Sam of the need to give up more of himself for kids would make it easier for him to want that out loud.

I think I might have said this before, so forgive me if I'm repeating it, but I do think that Sam has a lot of contact with Tuchanka after the war, and a sort of unspoken trend of krogan mothers bringing their young to Sam as a form of "pilgrimage" gains steam in the aftermath. He makes a lot of trips to Tuchanka, and krogan are known to bring their children to the orchard.

Helping to bring future generations to the krogan would be a type of 'fatherhood' Sam would be very, very proud of.

[writing-for-life]

Writing Is The Loneliest Art...

A couple of days ago, this piece of art with a Neil Gaiman quote flickered across my desktop, and it made me think, so longish post about writing, mental health and human connection ahead..

The actual quote says:

The hardest part of being a writer is that you get lonely. It's just you and the stuff in your head and nobody else can do it for you.

I used to be a performer. I spent a good 10 years of my life in theatres and on stage. That can be lonely, too, but in very different ways. You find a "family" for a short while, and then the show is over, and you all disperse to heaven-knows-where again. Some of these friendships last, others don't, but even the ones that do are hard to maintain because of the nature of the job (if you a very lucky, your paths may cross again for another show).

But the difference, to me, was that I had a physical outlet. That's also stressful in many ways, and being a performer is hard and emotionally taxing (plus, the industry sometimes makes you want to vomit). But it is a very different feeling to channel creative energy into something that is physical.

When I write, I only have the words in my head and the blank page; if I am lucky, the words will come out in a way that stops the page from being blank. And although I wrote "Writing Is The Loneliest Art" as a headline, I imagine this must be quite similar for visual/graphic artists.

I was a writer before I was a performer. I came back to my first love, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Writing always was, and still is, the most truthful form of creative expression for me. I am also lucky enough not to have to earn an income with it (although I do) because I have a job that takes care of that (and thankfully one that comes in handy for character development and world building). But it is very easy to become trapped in your head and thoughts, to stop engaging with the life that is out there. And that life is important--for inspiration, for self-care, for human connection. To break these connections, knowingly or unknowingly, is a real issue for many writers. If I am not careful, it happens to me, too. I have a family, and I am constantly teetering on the edge of spending time in my head or with the blank page when I should be present with them. I can snap myself out of it, but it is not always easy to do, and most writers can probably relate. Because thoughts are thoughts and ideas are ideas. They don't care when they pop into your head, and they will try to claim space, whether the moment is "right" or not.

I have a self-care routine in place to prevent myself from getting trapped in my own head (that's maybe for another post), but it takes effort and constant reminders to get up from my desk, get out, get fresh air and move. Because I'd rather be in my head and write. I am an introvert, like many writers, but that's not a big blanket permission to stop connecting with life. Introversion and loneliness are not one and the same, and writers (everyone really) need to understand the difference. You need to pick up that phone, see people and surround yourself with humans from time to time for your own sake. Not just through your job. You need humans around you whom you truly connect with.

But back to different art forms: As a performer, I had the direct interaction with my fellow performers, and with my audience. I cannot stress enough how important the latter is, and I have said this on here many times: Art comes alive through interaction and communication. It connects us through shared humanity. And there are art forms out there that take care of that connection by default--I have felt the difference, and it is profound.

Yes, we can still write or create art as a form of processing emotions, and from a psychological viewpoint, this is healing and helpful.

But art needs to be both created and experienced. Every art ultimately becomes meaningless without the viewer/reader/audience. Art is never a one-way street.

Writers tell stories, but these stories don't exist in a vacuum. They exist because we can't help writing them, and we would always do it anyway, but they also exist because we want you to read them. And it means something to us to know they moved you, made you laugh, made you cry, made you find out something about yourself you didn't know yet, or they just helped you forget about the troubles you are going through for a little while.

So if you appreciate art forms that don't have direct audience interaction, let the artists know you did. It is not annoying us. We are happy about it. Most of us want that communication. And writers probably need it most...

[thatspookyagent]

Dating Heimdall (Black!GN!Reader) would include...

Warnings: Typical assholery and bastard behaviour lmao otherwise none

a/n: First time writing for a video game franchise and I hope that y’all enjoy this! Heimdall is easily my favorite GOW character besides Freyr and Angrboda. There’s not much fanfiction out there for GOW: Ragnarok right now, let alone for Heimdall, and like none for a Black!Reader specifically. So this is me PUTTING that content out there in the void for someone to find, read, and share! Side note: I am yet again writing Black!Reader headcanons with a darker skinned!reader and 4 type hair!reader in mind unapologetically. <3

If you want to be tagged in any of my content, don’t be afraid to tell me via my ask box or through messages! Just remember to be clear about what specific kinds of content, characters, and fandoms you want me to tag you in or if you want to be put on my general tag list! I’m always looking to add more people and I’d be more than happy to add you (if you wish)! :3

If you were to describe Heimdall with just one word it would aggy lmfao

No really, he makes you want to kick both his ass and those grills in his teeth all the way to the Light of Alfheim

But regardless you fell for him because Reasons™

When you reflect upon why and how you did so, you can’t really come up with a definitive singular answer

Maybe it's because he treats you differently especially when it comes to teasing 

It’s more playful than brutal like he is with others and it gives you boy who pulled your hair back in kindergarten cause he secretly likes you vibes

Whenever Heimdall does tease you, his body language is different as well

Less condensing and try me and more goading and trying to vy for your attention kinda thing

That and he smiles relentless while he does it, like a genuine heartwarming smile not I’ll eat your kids and your pets smile

Just imagine him walking backwards slowly on his heels while swinging his arms and bringing them forward occasionally to make a soft clapping sound

He’s poking fun at you tripping earlier and thinking that nobody saw you when he absolutely did

Your comeback is to ask him why he was staring at you in the first place

He replies with “I just liked what I saw.”

You jab back with "If I only liked what I see now back."

That’s another reason why he really likes you, you always have a comeback to his remarks when most don’t

You really don’t take his comments lying down and actively engage in fun spirited banter with him whether you're starting or finishing it

While others shy away from it and avoid that man like the PLAGUE

To be fair his demeanor and vibe with you is MUCH less hostile with others so nobody wanting to be around him is very understandable lmao

Even then when there’s moments were Heimdall steps outta line (and there are), you don’t hesitate to push back and check him

He NEEDS a s/o who can do that cause otherwise Heimdall won’t read, understand, or internalize boundaries and will eventually continue to keep going

Those moments where you check him are usually answered by long periods of silence from Heimdall or curt nods, he knows your limits, and chooses to respect them

Partly because you do the same with him, which for you is mainly out of respect, and cause you like him

On another note, Gulltoppr is y’all’s child I said what I said

You were deathly scared of them at first cause who the hell smuggled a whole ThunderCat into Asgard hELLO???

But after awhile you warmed up to the battle cat since Gulltoppr can see just how much Heimdall cares for you and if you’re good enough for Heimdall, you’re good enough for them

Heimdall often scolds you for feeding Gulltoppr apples and cheese a lot but you also scold Heimdall for not giving enough treats to them cause how else do you remind them that they’re doing a good job protecting Asgard???

When he’s not looking you like to give Gulltoppr head pats and belly rubs cause they do NOT get enough of those in their life

You’ve managed to persuade Heimdall to snuggle with you and Gulltoppr while he reads on his breaks and you bet that there’s even more cheese and apples involved in that

Now onto some stuff that’s more Black!Reader specific-

This man is a bit OBSESSED with your hair don’t @ me !!!

If your hair is longer, especially long enough to be in box braids or have extensions in, he will be in total and complete awe at them

Catch him staring at your hair whenever you’re in the Asgardian mess hall together

At some point the staring gets so frequent that you sorta call him out on it and he’ll just...freeze

Later on when you two are more alone he’ll go “So...how does THAT work?” and motion towards your head

Sure Heimdall braids his own hair from time to time but his braids are different in many ways

Speaking of Heimdall and braids, you bet your ass you braid his hair stop playin !!!

You’re kind of a whizz at it and he doesn’t let ANYONE touch his scalp so you’re fumbling with a gold mine here

Heimdall only trusts you to mess around with his golden locs and will only really allow you to see him with his hair down OR messy

Speaking of hair down, he’s down for you to do or help him in his hair care routine lmao

Washing it, brushing it, putting some kind of good smelling product in it, you name it

Also if you leave your hair care products just lying around he WILL sniff and try them out

SO if you’ve got some expensive stuff that’s really for your hair type usage only, you better hide it better next time

For revenge you can put his hair in cornrows and then watch it fall out the next day sksksk

Now back to your hair, even if you hair is short or you use wigs, he will still be intrigued by it

Imagine Heimdall being dumbfounded at your waves like WHy is the ocean on your head and HOw?

He will return the hair care time favour and learn how to take care of your hair if you wish

Will steal your bonnets, durags, and head scarves BEWARE

He claims that it was just “lying around” and that he needs to protect his hair too <3

You roll your eyes and just make sure to order more protective hair fabric for the both of you

If you ask him if he has any design requests, anything with gold ornate on it will suffice (similar to his outfit that he wears)

That way y’all can tell your stuff from one another’s and he can color coordinate with his own natural hair color

Also he WILL throw at you and or remind you to put on a bonnet, durag, or head scarf if you aren’t wearing one before you go to bed

Something else that he admires about you is definitely how different colors of clothing make your skin tone stand out

Heimdall always stands out honestly due to being albino and having gold teeth like even for an Aesir God

It admittedly is different and a bit unfamiliar for him to see someone with darker skin and textured hair

Though don’t get him wrong, he welcomes it with open arms

Especially whenever the two of you are in bed together, cuddling, and just lying there together

He likes to have the windows open and have you on whatever side of the bed is facing that particular window

Cause it means that when he wakes up before the sun rises, he gets to watch the sun come up, and bounce light off of your melanin <3

He will absodoodley lay with you in bed all day (for as long as he can get away with it) while he brushes his hands against certain parts of your skin that are being lit up by the sun

He’ll only get up to get you some food or shower, basically basic needs until he has no choice but to get up cause he’s The Watcher of Asgard™ n all that

You know that his love for you has to run DEEP if he’s slacking off on watching Asgard cause he’s too busy giving you the attention that he deserves

And his love does indeed run deeper than a Jotunn’s ass crack for you truly if Odin doesn’t really approve of his relationship with you and he still actively decides to continue it anyways knowing this

Regardless of what other people think, he knows where his love lies, with him every morning and night, in front of sunny windows while he caresses and admires them

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

I keep getting called a Karen by a few women at my work and I don’t know what to do, as I am a white woman and the women bullying me are in fact black women, and I’ve not done anything other than just started my new job there and all I can think is that they didn’t like me asking questions about what it’s like there etc. and I didn’t say or do anything that can be considered or said to be racist? One of them said as we were finishing that nobody would side with a white woman over them and they’d spread my name online and end me. I’m seriously depressed about this whole situation as my new job was a move and promotion that I wanted for a long time and now with these women targeting me I don’t know what to do. As who will believe me as it doesn’t seem like these sort of women bullying me are ever going to be stopped doing what they’re doing to innocent women like me that have seriously not done anything wrong as even though I’m a left wing progressive woman I don’t feel that non-minorities are listened to by these sort of faux claims of racism, sexism and bullying /abuse etc.

First, if you haven't already, you need to loop your boss and HR in immediately. Right now. If your boss or HR admin is one of these ladies, go above her. Stick just to the facts about what happened when you report what's happening. If you already have reported it, follow up. Say "The issues I reported to you on XX date are still happening and it's still causing (or now causing) X, Y, Z impact to A, B, C deliverables/results, and they are also now making B and C threats of retaliation. What suggestions do you have to address this?"

Second, lock your social media down tight. Restrict your visibility to friends only. Exclude your accounts/profiles from searches.

Third, document. Document, document, document. Every interaction you have with these ladies. Everything you've said, everything they've said, as verbatim as possible as you can remember. Include dates, times, locations, and witnesses/bystanders. If there's any harassment over messages (emails, texts, Slack, etc.) include screenshots in your write-ups. Do it immediately after every interaction you have with each one of them, whether individually or in groups. Also document every discussion you've had with your boss(es) and/or HR about these ladies/these situations too.

After writing it up, immediately email it to yourself - your work email and your personal email. If you have your own printer, print them out too and keep paper files in a locked drawer the ladies don't have access to or at your home.

This documentation is important because it creates a paper trail. If the ladies escalate, you have documentation proving your role (or lack thereof). If the company fails to protect you, you have documentation describing and showing what they didn't do.

I'm just going to be direct here. We live in a time where white people - white women especially - have to be very careful about what we say and do. It doesn't matter what our allyship is or our politics or what we think is right or how much credibility someone does or doesn't have. So when you make these reports, when you do this documentation, leave all of that out of it. Stick only to the facts, which is "I was in Conference Room 1 with Jane, Lisa, Sue, and Joe on Tuesday, April 2, 2024, for a discussion about X that took place between 1:30pm - 2:15pm. {{Discussion summary}} At approximately 2:15pm when the meeting ended, I said A. Lisa said B, then Joe said C. Our interaction ended at approximately 2:20pm when I returned to my office alone." Leave the feelings out, leave the justification out, leave your perspective out, leave your allyship and your politics out. Stick only to the facts.

If I had to guess about what's happening here, it's probably that one of those ladies applied for your job, didn't get the position, and now she's taking it out on you and enlisted her friends to help.

And if you'd like more help, take a look at Ask A Manager. She's an HR manager who has a ton of experience in managing people and the blog is an amazing resource for any/all kinds of career advice. Here are a bunch of here pages about dealing with bullies and toxic colleagues that you might find helpful as well.

[its-alittleobsessed]

Currently rewatching season 2. This show is so fucking good. I joke about hating it, but it's soo. It's just. The supernatural of it all, man.

Theres this scene in ep 19, the prison episode, where Dean's talking to their lawyer, this business woman who's there to just do her job and get them a better deal than a death sentence.

She's a good lawyer, so she starts looking up their past, the routes they've taken and the footprints they've left behind, and every single witness ends up saying the same thing, Those boys saved me. Can't tell you from what, but I owe them. The statements lead her to a still, she starts questioning the faults and explanations, makes her feel like there's more to each story than she's willing to know.

And at one point Dean asks her for a favor. And he says, If you're as smart a PD as I think you are, then you can tell with just one look whether or not your clients are guilty, okay, just like that. So I want you to look at me, really look, and you tell me – am I guilty?

And Mara, this nobody lawyer who knows about Sam and Dean through the news, has seen the files on murders and grave robbing and arson and scamming, looks at Dean in this eyes and decides that all evidence--piles and piles of FBI record keeping--is suddenly bullshit. Because some other nobody across the state said, They saved me and, more than that, Dean Winchester has a look in his eyes she's never seen before.

She's never really belived in heroes--never really thought there could ever be someone who cared about this dirt ball of a planet enough to fight for it, but here, sitting between glass, sorrounded by guards, and communicating through cheap county jail telephones, she thinks she might've been wrong.

Henriksen said this guy's a monster, but Mara's worked with monsters before and they've never looked at her like this. Like they've got a purpose bigger than her, a goal, a heavy duty to some path she can't quite see. There's something about him--something bigger and other that she's not sure how to go against. Not sure if she wants to.

She looks at him and the world seems to, insanely, blur at the edges around him. He looks--good. As in, actual, care for people, good. The type of good that edges on theoretical altruism. It's insane.

And maybe that's why when Sam and Dean escape the prison, and Henriksen demands, Where are they? She just lies. Easy. Not knowing why she should, or where they're going, or if they'll ever see each other again. She lies and doesn't even feel bad about it because somehow she knows, trusts, that it's the right thing to do.

Like I know it's for the narrative okay, I know it's just for the plot to move forward, but the idea that Sam and Dean might seem just as supernatural as the monsters they haunt is something so juicy to me.

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

THE BEAR S3 Predictions

Just a mental note I'm putting out here to be able to revisit it when the time comes to check its level of accuracy. I have the feeling that S3 is going to be the season of the reconciliations.

The relationship between Richie and Carmy is completely broken after the walk-in incident and Richie walks from The Bear. He happens to get some kinda job offer and accepts it just to prove Carmy wrong. They will later spend a good portion of S3 trying to repair their bond. By the end of S3 (hopefully sooner) there should be a reconciliation of some sort between them and Richie should go back to The Bear.

Nat gives birth to her new "cub" and this brings the family together. There is a reconciliation with Donna, which in some capacity benefits not only the siblings but the entire team, the restaurant as a whole. Not exactly sure how this will play out, but Donna will quit being this negative and toxic influence on everyone. Maybe she gets clean because she takes this baby as a new chance to start over and be a better grandmother than the mother she was. IDK...

Marcus' mother dies and this juxtaposition of new beginnings, births, endings, death, etc is going to be a theme throughout the whole season, that is why I actually think this funeral will be the opener.

There will be some kinda flashback episode, like 7 Fishes or a montage of some memory that has a huge impact on one or more characters. I have my $ put on the Sundays, Mr. Adamu and lil Syd would spend at Mr. Beef's. I strongly disagree with the weak argument that just because the Berzattos are catholic, their restaurant didn't open on Sundays. The gastronomic industry cares very little about those traditions especially if the place is struggling. I bet they were open every Sunday part-time, just for lunch, to get all the demand of those who went to church just because business-wise it makes total sense.

Carmen will apologize to Claire. Not sure what she's gonna make of that apology, whether she's gonna accept it or not, I hope she doesn't. I'm pretty sure there will be no reconciliation here. I don't necessarily oppose Carmy having a romantic partner and as much as I ship SydCarmy like nobody's business, I'm 100% sure they are not gonna happen any time soon. Maybe and this is a HUGE maybe, they could be the perfect cliffhanger for S4. But that would be a stretch. Not that Store & Calo couldn't pull it off, but still. So, basically, I am all for a new love interest being presented to Carmen just to see how he responds to it. After Claire he should go back to his old lone-wolf ways, I need to test that behavioral theory though, so I need a new female character to do it.

Last, but certainly not least, Miss Adamu needs her man and I'm not talking about Bear. I want to know more about Sydney's past and see her letting her hair down, putting her records on, and all that jazz. So, maybe an old flame can re-appear in her life and they can try to "reconcile". This reconciliation shouldn't work either because she's now devoted to making The Bear work and is basically a workaholic and both, Carmy & her get into this synch of type As on Speed and Red Bull, non-stop working machines, well-oiled now that they had already learned from their mistakes and The Bear succeeds but Sydney's relationship with her guy from the past fails, again. The guy feels like a 3rd wheel and lets her know that she's not in a relationship with him but with her job. Sydney understands the subtext, and this break-up is actually a wake-up call for her. She starts seeing what we all shippers are already seeing. It's not just about work for her. Yes, The Bears are too absorbing and demanding, both, the restaurant and the chef, but she doesn't mind. She loves it. Love is the operative word here. This realization should hit her hard by the end of the season.

The background of all the things I just mentioned above will be the BOH, fast-paced, chaotic, and working like a Swiss clock, just like Carmy likes it.

Am I missing something? Probably. Can't wait to find out.

Bonus tracks: I am pretty sure the wedding will either be Teff's or Fak's.

And lastly: When Sydcarmy happens, it will "officially" start with something small and inane like Syd accidentally finding out Carm has been drawing portraits of her all along... CHECK THIS OUT, I think Storer & Calo have something like this in mind or along these lines, and it should come along in S3, minus the sex part.

[unhingedbehavior]

Me up at 4 AM arguing with a person who is no longer in the argument

People who commit suicide are not PATHETIC.

Stop using such mean and belittling words for someone who experienced traumas that pushed them to that point.

You have no idea about the shit they went through.

You have NO idea how long and hard they fought to prevent themselves from going that route.

There is no fucking possible way for any person to feel the threshold of somebody’s else pain.

Even if they seemed to have carried it well, it doesn’t make the weight less heavy.

In the same way that you call somebody who is severely depressed, anxious, and traumatized,

would you call a soldier who is shot and killed by a bullet pathetic too?

So, if somebody is mentally abused & neglected NONSTOP without receiving proper treatment to heal, why does it make them pathetic to finally decide that it’s time for their pain to end?

Like the body, it can only withstand so much neglect and abuse. When it does not have enough blood, water, or nutrients, there will be signs. The moment that the body is deprived of healing to the point where the damage is irreversible, it chooses to die; whether it’s due to blood loss, terminal dehydration, or starvation.

Why do people with mental health issues receive less empathy just because the severity of their wounds don’t physically show?

Like the physical body, there ARE signs of somebody having active suicidal thoughts and it is society’s job to recognize how serious those signs are. We cannot blame a patient for their pain. We cannot blame the decease for their cause of death.

I am not saying they are not a factor to their death because yes, we all are accountable for the well being of our body and mind. But, is it so hard to expand that closed mind of yours and maybe think that taking care of themselves is still not enough? Is it impossible to think that even if somebody takes care of themselves, they still require healing and assistance? Is it impossible for factors such as environment, genetics, or trauma to overrule self sufficiency because of how permanently damaged they are?

No. It’s not impossible. Every situation is different but with most cases of suicide victims, they are always brushed aside and disregarded.

How could you spit such arrogance about a person’s situation without knowing what led them there in the first place? Nobody deserves such unkind words, whether dead or alive.

So why show resentment towards them when in the end, you know they would’ve wanted to lived too if they were guaranteed a better chance of a high quality life?