#I don't want my self expression to be limited in that regard

[34saveme34]

fun fact I have a very specific vision on how these 2 are when they first meet and just wanted write a Bit about it

[sleepinghypnos]

The Creed...

Chapter 1 - Penthouse

Genre: Smut

Tags: F/M, F/F/M, F/F/F/M, Facefuck, Throatfucking Rough Sex, Dirty Talk, Harem, Self-degradation, Masochism/Sadism(?), Cum Play, Piss Play

(The things in the tags will be present when the time needs for it.)

Disclaimer: This work is a fan-fiction and does not depict the person/people mentioned in the story.

A/N: You can self-insert if you want...

--

Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

"What is it? I'm preoccupied, so make it quick." Vlad answered the call.

"Fine. Just send them to my house... but I will not be responsible if something happens to them." He replied with his slightly deep voice and end the call.

*Silenced Gunshot*

"Blame your competitor, not me." Vlad immediately packed up his sniper rifle and fled the scene while remembering what one of his close associates in the entertainment industry said few moments ago, he begged him to accommodate a number of female K-pop idols for the purpose of strengthening the bond between idols through a experimental project wherein they live together as Tenants, cameras will not be present just them living together and at the end of their time as tenants they will do an interview regarding the way of life living with other k-pop idols aside from their respective members. In this way, the fandoms of each k-pop group will stop fighting over trivial things on the internet and support other idols.

Vladimir Creed was a 26 year old Half-European and Half-American man. His parents died in a car accident when he was still a child and only his grandfather is his only family left. He's living a lavish lifestyle full of money, expensive cars and women...

His family or more like his grandfather founded a huge company in America and owns many stocks in the entertainment industry in Korea and since Vlad is not someone who actively makes himself noticeable or well-known, he parties without revealing his true identity to anyone with a few exception of course, he has few actual friends and all of them are also young masters of their own families just like he was and he rarely expresses his emotions so he has a hard time managing it.

In his typical days, he spends most of his time just relaxing in his penthouse, in which he bought himself with his own money. though it may seem strange since he parties every chance he get, he has a very unique talent and that is being a hired gun that even his grandfather didn't know.

And while relaxing, he usually goes naked after a shower because there is no one in the house, It's is personal space after all. His maids and butlers will only come if they were asked for and he cooks for himself.

His penthouse is in a small island near the coast and there is only one bridge connected to it. So, guests who'll visit the island can use the bridge without the need of boats.

...

Vlad arrived at his house but welcomed by cars parked near the main gate. "What the fuck is this?" He said to himself, he got out of his car to check what's going on then he remembered Eunseok, one of his close associates said few hours ago. "Now it makes."

Then he called one of the guards to let him pass, and so they did. He drove and the people blocking the path dispersed and he got in smoothly.

"Let them in, they are going to live here indefinitely." Vlad announced to the guards and went inside to change.

Most of the people outside the penthouse are already inside the living area, he saw the k-pop idols waiting for the master of the house.

"I'm Vladimir Creed, but you can call me Vlad. I'm the owner of this house, my friend already told me what you guys are going to do. So feel free live here." and he looked at managers of each of the group "There are places in the house that is not available, I don't care if they used the swimming pool, drink at the bar." Pointing at the wet bar near the kitchen. "Or anything, but, all of third floor is off limits because that's where my room is located."

The producer nodded and introduce the idols that will be living with him in the house.

He extended his hand for a handshake to ITZY's Yuna and Ryujin, Aespa's Karina and Winter, (G)-Idle's Soyeon and Miyeon, Red Velvet's Irene, Seulgi, and Joy, and Twice's Sana, Mina, and Nayeon which they received with a smile.

--

One day has passed, the girls are eating lunch in the long refectory table since they woke up late just like Vlad was and the maids and butlers were there to assist them.

After lunch, the Red Velvet and Twice members were gathered in the backyard, enjoying a beautiful sunny day by the pool. They were relaxing and chatting about their recent performances, when they suddenly heard a splash from the pool.

Curious, they all turned to see Nayeon filling up a water gun and aimed at them. Panic set in as they scream and run around the pool to avoid getting wet since they just want to enjoy the sun.

Running made them exhausted and they decided to have a friendly water fight. Joy and Seulgi teamed up against Sana and Mina, Nayeon and Irene. Laughter and screams filled the air as they chased each other around the pool, trying to get each other wet

In the living room, Ryujin and Karina were sharing a bucket of ice cream while watching a romantic K-drama. They were joined by Soyeon and Miyeon, who couldn't resist the delicious smell of the popcorn. They all cuddled under a blanket, enjoying the show and teasing each other about their favorite characters. Yuna and Winter are busy doing some tiktok challenge.

As the sun set, the members of ITZY, Aespa, and (G)-Idle joined their sun-kissed Seniors in the pool. They all gathered around the pool, sharing stories, and having a heart-to-heart conversation. For a moment, the backyard was filled with the sound of their laughter and friendship.

As the night came, they all gathered in the living room to watch a movie together. They munched on some snacks and cuddled on the couch, enjoying their time together. It was a perfect day off for all of them, a day filled with laughter, bonding, and memories that they will cherish forever.

Karina asked the butler where Vlad was and she was led to the study where he spends time if he's not doing anything.

When Karina entered the study, she was met with a tall, imposing figure staring at her from behind a large oak desk. Vlad's dark hair was slicked back, and he exuded a sense of power and mystery. Karina couldn't help but feel a pull towards him, she already know that this man is handsome the moment she land her eyes on him earlier in the morning.

"Um, Sir? I just want to asked if we can have some of the liquor in the wet bar." She asked while slowly approaching him.

"Didn't I told you girls that you can do whatever you want with the wet bar?" He answered and walked to towards her. "And you're asking me when you already half drunk."

Karina got embarrassed but it faded when a faint smile appeared on Vlad's lips, she was mesmerized. "Are you sure that's the reason why you're here?" he was close to her, Karina needs to look up just to meet his eyes.

Karina pulls him for a kiss and reciprocated it with the same intensity. It started as vanilla kissing until in turns into something like animals in heat and eventually began to make out with insane passion. Vlad grab her waist to pull her closer, her hands were hugging his neck.

He noticed she wanted more and so he obliged and brought one hand to feel up her breasts which made Karina moan between their kisses.

Their kiss was passionate, Vlad keeping her in his arms while she let herself be consumed by him. It lasted for few minutes until they both stopped quietly staring at each other.

"D-did you like it?" Karina said while catching her breathe.

"I did, your lips are sweet with a hint of whiskey... you really were half drunk." Brushing his thumb on her lips. "Want me to lead this time?" he asked her while caressing her face.

"Yes, please." Karina said.

“Do you think could handle it?” Vlad responded seemingly showing concern.

Karina nodded. “I did have my own few boyfriends before...”

“I won't doubt it but... I get rough. Really rough. I'm sure it's something you haven't experience before..."

“You are worrying about me and that's sweet but I think I'm gonna be fine... please don't hold back and just give it to me.” She said while making a serious face.

Vlad's hand roam towards her neck and stayed there and slowly gripping it. Her cunt throb as they kiss again and slowly stripping each other’s clothes off, his hands still in her neck slightly choking her.

As their bodies got liberated from their clothing, Vlad immediately attacks Karina's big breasts making her moan, her hands couldn't resist to push his head closer. His other hand goes to Karina's precious treasure and starts invading it.

"This fucking slutty tits of yours keeps leering people on." Vlad said while groping her breasts and assaulting them with his tongue...

"Fuck! Yes! It feels good, sir." Karina said.

Which made Vlad riled up even more. "Sir?" He stopped groping her breast.

"You don't like being called like that? I'll change it." She said while pleading to continue to pleasure her.

He doesn't like getting called Daddy/Oppa. The women he's been with keeps calling him that and he got bored by it, now he prefers to called by his name but this time around is different.

Sir? of all the things that someone can be called... Sir is the one getting him riled up.

"No, keep it that way... now get on your knees whore." Vlad said with a commanding aura. “I’m going to use your mouth as a fleshlight. Pull my cock out.”

Karina didn't expect the monster hiding beneath his pants. She could see the bulge of his massive cock. Now she knows why he said 'Something she haven't experience before.' because it's true. He is much bigger than the guys she's been with. So much bigger. She feels hotter and hotter than usual.

Vlad's dick stands proud at 10 inches and is almost girthy as a water bottle.

“You are so massive, fucking massive!” Karina said as she freed his cock and hit her in the face. She stare at his huge member mesmerized by it.

“My god! Why are you so big? Can you even use this?” She said as she grabbed his cock with with both hands. "And you're going to use my mouth with this thing?"

"What? Are you scared? I told you I'm rough and I mean it." He said seriously. "You are going to take every inch of my cock in your throat whether you like it or not."

Karina got nervous but her lust towards him is much heavier.

She showered his cock with kisses, admiring every inch, as if she's worshipping his massive member.

"Suck it." And she did, she gives him a slow and sensual blowjob, keeping her eyes on him.

"You came in her just to do that?"

“What do you mean, Sir?”

He grabbed her by the hair she opened her mouth and swallowed as much of him as she possibly could.

COUGH COUGH COUGH

Relaxing her throat as she let his girthy cock push through her throat. She struggled for a minute and he's watching her giving herself to him.

Vlad guides her and she bobbed her head up and down to see how deep she could take him over and over and over again. Her eyes were tearing up, saliva dripping down as she takes his girthy cock in her throat.

She taps his legs but Vlad ignored her protests and stayed in her throat. "I told you, I'm rough... you don't know what you get yourself into."

He is fucking her throat with reckless abandon and not caring if she can still breathe. Few seconds more and he let go and she breathe hastily. "Sh-shit! I almost passed out." She coughs. "Fuck!"

"Just accept your role as my slut from now on." He slaps her face with his massive heavy cock.

He forced his cock back into her throat. She gives in, letting this man use her mouth and throat as a fleshlight. Her eyes were rolled back into her head.

GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK

Her moaning and gagging sounds filled the study, the moonlight touches her silky white skin enhancing her beauty further while her throat is getting violated. Even though she already accepted her fate, she still needs to breathe and she tried to struggle for air but failed.

“MMMPPHKKKK!” She resists and got ignored.

“Just stay there, don't regret your decisions now.” Vlad said and spent another three seconds before letting Karina go.

She chokes and gags even though she's already freed from that monster of a cock. “Did I... do a good job, Sir?” She asked noticeably exhausted. She then received another batch of throatfucking and this time, it's much easier but it still hurts.

GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK

She's taking it like a good little slut, moaning and groaning every time Vlad thrusts too deep in her throat. Karina became accustomed to the massive rod destroying her tight throat and she slowly but surely loving the way he manhandle her without any care about her well-being.

"I'm cumming you little slut!" He said and starts speeding up in his assaults. After all of this, he gave her some leeway and pull his cock out of her mouth. "Want to drink it?"

“YES! T-thank you, feed me your c-cum! Please sir, I'm begging you!!!” She said before he shoved his cock back into her mouth again.

Vlad reached his climax and poured it all in Karina's throat, he releases an obscene amount of cum like he's been holding it for long while. She willingly swallow every bit of it. Few ropes of his cum left in her mouth, she put on a show by gurgling, swirling her tongue cover of his cum then swallowing it.

“Oh my god... fucking hell... that was heavenly!” She said as she crawled over to him and started to lick his shaft cleaning it. “I need to be treated like that again, Sir. Please! You are right, I never experienced that before..”

"Oh, That's only the beginning little slut." He said while grabbing her in the neck and pulling her up.

A/N: Another Series that I might abandon but... oh well. I planned on doing the Bodyguard EP. 6 but idk when to actually do it.

[hiiragi7]

Things I've experienced post-Final Fusion:

All of a sudden, the days felt really... really... really long. I never really felt like there was any time in the day prior to final fusion; living my life in parts, I had never experienced such continuous flow of time before. It's long.

It feels like I now have a lot more time to do things in the day, and I have to be careful not to push myself too hard. I've found myself being online less and less and getting a lot more involved in my offline hobbies and reading. I have a lot more time to work towards things I want to do.

I can actually think about and plan for the future now, and it's incredibly exciting. I talk to my partner constantly about it. I am very excited about the future.

I can remember so much more of my childhood, things I never thought I would ever remember I now do. That being said, there are still things I don't remember, likely tied to other memory issues, and I've made my peace with that.

While my memory certainly got significantly better in many ways, I've realized I struggle with non-dissociative memory issues as well, and I will live with those issues for the rest of my life; it's just how my brain developed, and that's okay.

Speaking of memory, I can remember things freely that before were limited to the memory banks of my individual parts. I no longer have to worry about what parts hold which memories and go about tracking them down; I as a whole either remember something or I don't, and of my memories, I can remember any of them whenever I want.

I feel a sense of ownership over my life, over my memories and my sense of self and my body. I can look at it all and very confidently say "that's me", and I feel and know it to be 100% true. A long way away from not being able to recognize myself in the mirror.

I can't dissociatively "take a break" from life the way I used to (ie switching out and letting another part handle it), and while it took a long adjustment period to get used to this, I'm okay with that; I have other ways to take breaks while still being present, I can listen to music or watch videos. If I really just need to be unconscious, I take a nap.

I had to come to terms with the fact I couldn't push myself past my limits anymore in the way that I used to, and that this is in fact an expression of self-care for me. I used to be able to push far past what I should have been able to, especially with regards to physical pain, and to some extent I can still do this under specific circumstances, but it is no longer something that I will do in my day-to-day life living with disability and chronic pain.

Actually existing in my body now, I have come to realize just how much chronic pain I have been in. It's made me a lot more alert to my needs and how to care for myself, what makes it better and what makes it worse.

When people say "there's always a chance you'll split again", it doesn't scare me; it comforts me to know my brain would still know how to cope if such an extreme situation occured that I needed to split again. I've worked through dissociative barriers, I could do it again. I know what lies at the end of that path is love.

No part of me has ever gone away. Even fully fused, we are all still here. I can even still communicate with myself as parts if I choose to. I still have parts, they just look different now. There are no barriers between us.

My parts held a lot of different aspects of my identity to them, aspects I'm still to this day sorting out. I've had a lot of realizations about who I am as a person post-final fusion, especially with regards to gender and disability. A lot of things about myself were formerly very heavily fragmented and dissociated which no longer are, and I'm still making sense of them.

I no longer experience flashbacks and nightmares. This is a major thing for me I sometimes still am in disbelief about, my nightmares used to be so severe that I would refuse to sleep because of them, and my flashbacks were horrible and caused very intense physical sensations. I no longer have them, and that's incredible.

Life is so much more vivid and colorful than I ever realized. I never realized how dull everything felt and looked before final fusion. It feels like a complete perspective shift that is hard to grasp in words.

I can feel my body so much more now physically than I ever could before. I feel each of my limbs, I feel changes in temperature, I feel my own breath, I feel different textures and sensations, everything I hear and see and feel and taste has so much more depth to it now.

I have emotions! A whole lot of them, and I can feel all of them. I can feel emotions that might be percieved as "contradictory" at the same time, I can feel emotions over little things and big things and just about anything at all. I'm no longer limited to feeling my emotions in parts, and it's incredibly freeing.

On that note, I have so much more emotional capacity now for feeling all of the love I have for myself and others. It's wonderful. I can't shut up about it.

[juyendraws]

[Limbus Company] Faust’s Development (or Lack Thereof) in Intervallo 6.5

So Murder on the WARP Express came out and uh… The suspicions I had regarding Faust’s future arc ended up being confirmed. Faust is definitely not reaching out to the truth. I didn't expect the seeds for her story to be planted so soon, but here we are. It’s real. And you're probably thinking, “Uh… WTF are you talking about?” Let me explain to you what I mean.

The message of Library of Ruina is a critical part to understanding what's going on in Limbus Company. I will tell you straight-up here and now, absolutely nobody in the fanbase knows what the hell LoR is actually about. Nobody. And it is such a shame, because it has such a great message that absolutely nobody talks about. I'd love to tell you much more about it, but that involves long explications on Jungian Psychology, the Jewish Kabbalistic Tree of Life, and the story itself, which I don't wanna subject you to yet (I am saving my esoteric lore dumping for the video scripts I’m currently working on). What I will tell you, however, is that the lessons learned by Angela and Roland in LoR are all about opening oneself to everything that is possible in life. The ways in which they do this are:

(1) To listen to one's inner world, or intuition. Don’t just blindly believe whatever someone else says. Follow your own inner voice. 

(2) To listen to one's outer world, or reason. Don't just believe whatever you want to believe. Look at the facts and be receptive to others' opinions. 

That's all you need to know for now about this particular subject. The theme of opening oneself to infinite possibilities is one that carries over from LoR to Limbus Company, and it is present in every Sinners' story. Literally all of them were/are limiting themselves in one way or another due to their flawed beliefs. And each of them is on their own journey of self-realization, or in Jungian terms, “individuation.”

The Mirror Worlds also expand on this theme. They provide infinite ways of looking at the same subject, which sounds wondrous and exciting at first, but it really just reflects what's already there. Remember Yi Sang's and Heathcliff's arcs? For Yi Sang, the Mirror reflected his already-existing potential, while for Heathcliff, the Mirror reflected his surrender to a perceived fate. Mirror World Identities may offer additional combat prowess as well as insight into the characters/worldbuilding, but they end up being quite limiting due to their usage (basically “cheating”) and very nature (as "reflections"). 

Moreover, Goethe's Faust was something that repeatedly showed up in my research on Jungian Psychology. I kept finding Faust's story referenced in articles, academic journals, as well as the book I'm currently reading called Man and His Symbols. This book was written by Carl G. Jung and some of his most trusted followers, and it legitimately explains what Project Moon's mindset was while forming the world and stories of their games (I am not even exaggerating. I have to constantly pause my audiobook and write down notes on what I'd just read because it keeps indirectly revealing PM’s intentions for the series). Anyway, in one of Joseph L. Henderson's chapters named “Heroes and Hero Makers,” he talks about how the archetype of the hero cycle is represented in many stories. An aspect of this archetype essentially revolves around the “hero vs. villain,” or in Jungian terms, the “ego vs. shadow.” The hero must face off against the dragon and triumph. It’s about the development of consciousness through the "ego" (awareness that one exists and has an identity) mastering and assimilating the "shadow" (the parts about ourselves we don’t like or don’t acknowledge deep down). This archetype exemplifies the stage that’s supposed to take place during childhood and adolescence—it’s about growing up. If the hero fails to slay the dragon, i.e. a person fails to assimilate their shadow into their psyche, they become stuck in this state of immaturity. Henderson uses Faust as an example:

“One can see this theme, incidentally, in a well-known literary hero figure—Goethe’s character of Faust. In accepting the wager of Mephistopheles, Faust put himself in the power of a “shadow” figure that Goethe describes as “part of that power which, willing evil, finds the good.” Like the man whose dream I have been discussing, Faust had failed to live out to the full an important part of his early life. He was, accordingly, an unreal or incomplete person who lost himself in a fruitless quest for metaphysical goals that failed to materialize. He was still unwilling to accept life’s challenge to live both the good and the bad” (Man and His Symbols, page 121). 

Henderson is saying that Faust is reluctant to face life’s hardships, so he lets his unconscious aspects—his shadow, or Mephistophiles—control what he does because it’s easier for him to live that way. And as a result, he remains this underdeveloped, immature person. 

In Limbus, Faust’s shadow is Mephistophiles, the reflection of her inner pride and desire to learn more. The knowledge she gains from the bus, her ability to communicate with her IDs, is incapacitating her ability to develop as a person. She’s using it as a crutch. And her overreliance on this knowledge, ironically, reveals how truly ignorant she is. The literal shadow cast in Faust’s E.G.O is her IDs for these very reasons—she is afraid of not knowing what to do.

Anyway, the reason I brought up LoR’s message and the Mirror Worlds earlier is because it is very, VERY relevant to Faust’s arc. Each of the Sinners need to reach out to all the possibilities of life. To not just blindly follow their own beliefs or the beliefs of others, but to see the truth through their own eyes, unclouded by bias. Through her use of the Mirror Worlds, Faust goes, “Well, I’m already reaching out to all possibilities! I’m following my intuition and using reason!” And she technically is, but it’s paradoxical. She is using intuition and reason… But it’s all through the use of her IDs, which are both “herself” and “not herself” at the same time. So she’s still just blindly following her own beliefs and the beliefs of others; she’s only listening to her own opinions and copying down what others say to her, all at the same time. 

I noticed this while rereading key parts of the game again. In Episode 6-25, the Sinners discover the researchers’ experiments below Wuthering Heights. Faust was utterly oblivious as to what their goals were, and Dante commented on how odd her behavior was when she finally started talking.

Later in Episode 6-44, she urges them to find out who informed Erlking Heathcliff about the Mirror Worlds, causing them to pick up on the fact that she doesn’t actually know everything.

In Episode 2 of the 3rd Walpurgis Night, Faust freezes up when asked by Dante to give a more detailed explanation on the Library. She then gives soft confirmation that she is, indeed, in cahoots with her IDs.

Murder on the WARP Express spilled everything. As a result of being separated from Mephistopheles, she is forced to be without her IDs and must figure things out on by herself. Her complete cluelessness regarding what to do demonstrates her lack of any true life experience. She acts like a newborn baby attempting to walk. However, while she is clueless, she is not helpless. She, in fact, does have the potential to grow if she puts her mind to it. Faust exhibits curiosity, ingenuity, and amiability when she must undergo the trials of the WARP train incident.

She takes interest in the perspectives of the other Sinners when asking for help. She is able to discover new things and problem-solve by herself.

Faust can learn on her own and make friends if she really wanted to.

...Unfortunately, she falls back to her dependency on Mephistopheles at the end of the story and closes herself off once again.

Faust refuses to experience any pain that could otherwise spark a realization about herself. She is harming her ability to form relationships with others, as she habitually ignores them or prevents them from giving her advice. She actively denies herself the chance to truly learn about the world and come to her own conclusions—she is impeding her own personal growth. 

Out of all the Sinners, Faust is probably the least developed as a person. Yi Sang, Ishmael, Heathcliff—even those who are about to undergo or are still undergoing their arcs such as Don Quixote, Rodion, or Meursault—are fully-formed people. Faust is not. She is still stuck at the stage of having evolved ego-consciousness while everyone else around her is already achieving the Self. She's worryingly far behind. It’s honestly really sad to watch. 

I was debating on whether or not I should make this post for a few reasons. For one, I’m unable to read Goethe’s Faust at the moment, as I am still preoccupied with my research on Jungian Psychology and Jewish Mysticism for the previous two PM games (Lobotomy Corporation and Library of Ruina). I didn’t want to say anything too specific about Faust’s story until I read her book. Secondly, this topic is really difficult to explain without delving into the Jungian elements in the PM universe. I felt I would end up confusing people if I just came out of nowhere with this post; I initially wanted to speak more about the foundational elements before anything else. 

Nevertheless, I feel that this knowledge I had on Faust, Jung, and PM’s lore was relevant enough to share. I was SHOCKED at how accurately I had predicted Faust’s future character development. The only other person I told this to was my younger sister, and I said, “Faust basically found a loophole through the lessons Angela and Roland learned in LoR. She’s only believing whatever she wants to believe, while also only believing what other people tell her. She’s using Mephi and her IDs as a crutch… I think that’s why she’s alone a lot of the time.” AND I ENDED UP BEING RIGHT. I had to stand up multiple times while playing through the Intervallo with my sister because of how excited I was at this. 

Murder on the WARP Express demonstrates that a good understanding of the games’ themes and of Jungian literary analysis is absolutely essential to figuring out each Sinners’ arc in Limbus. Deciphering, for example, the specifics of Faust’s connection with Gesellschaft is not-so-much valuable as having a strong grasp on what aspects of her character PM is trying to explore. “What is the text communicating? How does it relate to Jung’s ideas? What is the lesson this character is meant to learn?”

That is what matters at the end of the day. 

[nahimjustfeelingit-writes]

A Night Forgotten

Part Three

It’s getting more intense 😈

On top of her earlier worries, now Emoni had an even bigger dilemma to contend with: her boss/secret crush was fully awake...and back to his usual mocking self.

Joy.

What was she going to do now? Her options seemed limited to throwing on her clothes lickety-split and pulling a runner or grabbing the sheet, wrapping it around herself, and demanding he—

The toilet flushed, the tap ran for a moment, and then Erik was standing in the open doorway, drying his hands on a towel. With a quick up and down glance, he took her in from head to toe, and a slow, devastating smile crawled up his cheek. "Well, well. It seems I finally got something right between us, my precious Emoni. It's about fucking time."

Emoni dashed across the room and tore the bedding from the mattress, wrapping the soft, cool satin around her naked body.

“A-ha! So, you don't remember what you did to me last night!" she stated, somewhat miffed by the thought.

Surely it hadn't been that bad a lay...had it?

She tossed him a baleful eye.

“Months of trying to get me on a date, months of both our friends hammering away at me to give you a chance, months of putting up with that humiliating interdepartmental betting pool regarding you and my panties...and you can't even remember fucking me, can you?" She made a pftttt sound and crossed her arms in righteous indignation. "Wow, Erik!"

He laughed. "What a little hypocrite you are, Princess, since it appears you're in the same boat I am...figuratively and literally speaking," he countered, crossing his bulging arms and leaning against the bathroom doorpost. "You can't recall a damn thing about last night, either, can you? Can you?"

Her whole body flushed with sexual awareness and her nipples went instantly hard as Erik challenged her.

How was it that this same defiant behaviour during their formative school days had made her itch to cut his balls off and feed it to him back then, but a dozen years later, now it only made her want to lick him all over instead?

It had to have something to do with the long, attractive package currently swinging between his legs, because as he moved, lounging so sexily in the bathroom doorway, she suddenly found herself staring at it with an eager and lusty appreciation. Gahdamn! it was beautiful! And long…and thick…and—Whatever.

She blinked and forcibly turned away, her cheeks burning. "Will you please put some clothes on so we can talk?" she requested. "You're...distracting."

The Prince actually chuckled at that. "Am I really? Well, then I'll have to politely decline, baby girl. I'm enjoying redirecting your attention towards other more profitable thoughts."

She clucked her tongue in annoyance. "You're arrogance is through the roof about all of this."

"This isn't conceit, Emoni. This is contentment."

"It certainly sounds to me as if your ego is doing all the talking today."

"Well, it's not."

She turned back and cast a cynical expression in his direction. "Then, you’re telling me you’re not happy to swagger and strut around because you finally had sex with me after all these years of trying every line in your playbook to stick your dick in me?!”

He stared hard at her. "No, I'm not. I am, however, feeling a sudden urge to spank that ass. Care to step up and volunteer?" He actually growled then. "And for your information, baby girl, I don’t need a playbook, it comes natural. Who's the arrogant one again?"

“How am I the arrogant one!?” She shouted defensively.

“Well,” Erik started counting off on his fingers, “You find every moment to announce how I’ve been chasing after you all this time. You do it as if you’ve been playing this game of making me wait—

She huffed, he sniffed.

"So, we’re gonna stand here and act like you haven’t been wanting a nigga for a while now? Come on, ma. I can see right through you. It sucks you gotta play games when I could have shown you some things.”

He sounded a bit sulky at that.

Emoni glanced at him sideways. Erik truly looked upset by her accusations, which told her more than his words ever could. Perhaps whatever had happened between them the night before hadn't been pre-planned by him, and he hadn't been responsible for her memory gaps, after all.

“Okay…so…nothing?” She questioned.

“Nothing—well…I can remember us dancing. I remember how I dragged you to the dance floor and we Had a ball,” Erik smirked at the fuzzy memory, “You were….all over me. It was definitely the drinks because you would never do no shit like that sober, but…your ex was PISSED. We shared a drink…”

Erik blinked rapidly a few times then his thick, unruly brows snapped together. He drew a blank.

“That’s…wow—that’s exactly what I remember last as well…what the fuck?”

“Weird, right?” Erik said.

Which left Emoni wondering how in hell it was she could ever have forgotten making love to him, because that had been an event she'd ached for and dreamed of for years. That she couldn't remember anything significant at all in the aftermath was not just a maddening mystery, but also terribly disappointing to her as well. With his own memory of the night apparently lost, too, now she'd never be able to know how it had been between them. Had they connected body-to-body, soul-to-soul as she'd always fantasized, or had it been merely about sating sexual hungers and agreeing to move on? That knowledge was lost forever, it seemed, and that made her heavyhearted.

Clearing her throat, she figured she might as well attempt some civility, since he didn't appear to be at fault, if she was properly reading the signs.

“Right. So...what now?"

He shrugged. "We go back to bed."

She tightened the sheets around her with a twist of her hand, unsure if that idea wasn't the worst one in the history of co-worker one-offs and deserved an argument or if she should just give into the temptation and make a whole new set of epic mistakes today with Erik—this time, memorable ones. Decisions, decisions...

"And why would we do that?" she asked, trying to buy herself some time to come up with a third alternative.

Erik frowned at that. "To sleep. Maybe to fuck again later, once we're both more rested... Why are you so skittish all of the sudden?”

Because you're gloriously naked and suck-able, she thought, and I really want to run my mouth all over you this instant.

"Because I'm understandably nervous right now," she said instead, feeling her palms grow slick with a feverish need to touch him.

As if he'd discarded her words in favour of listening in on her more honest thoughts and impulses instead, he rewarded her with a slow, wicked smile. "Is that so?" he asked, his voice thick with lusty insinuation.

He shifted then, and it took all of Emoni’s willpower to keep her eyes from drifting downwards to seek out the slight movement between his legs again. No way was she getting caught in that mesmerizing action twice.

“Yes, I just said," she reiterated, fanning herself with a hand and wondering if it were possible to spontaneously combust.

Noting her distress, Erik’s teasing waned. "Why?

A third alternative suddenly presented itself: rationally discussing the matter to death. That's what Emoni did best, after all. "Because regardless of the fact that we've each experienced a disturbing loss of memories of the last twelve or so hours, we're both cognizant that some level of physical intimacy passed between us last night," she pointed out, switching into 'professional mode'. "Our relationship, therefore, has evolved and requires us to come to some form of an agreement and an arrangement as to its future."

"Agreement? Arrangement?" He almost sounded offended, “You're starting to sound like a wife looking for a pre-nup, Moni." He jerked his chin towards her bellybutton, and the piercing that lay just beneath the sheets that covered it. "Was that diamond chandelier in your navel not enough for you? Or do you need a bigger declaration of my intentions? I suppose I can get you a ring for your finger to match, if you want.”

She tsked at him for joking at a time like this. "I'm talking about our working relationship, you asshole! What we did here last night...this is going to alter that dynamic, like it or not."

He raised an eyebrow at that. "Why does it have to, though?”

Unbelievable! Could he not see that everything had changed?

Pushing off from the wall, he approached her, "It was about time it did, too! All this time trying to get your attention the old-fashioned way was getting me nowhere with you. Derek and Natalie were right—you needed me to act, not attempt to manipulate you into making the first move,” Reaching out, he tucked a stray curl behind her ear. "I needed to change, my Emoni, or we were never getting here."

She rubbed at her achy temple. "Do you realise you always refer to me so possessively? Why do you do that? We're not even officially dating, but you talk about me as if I'm your significant other.” She argued.

The idea irritated her, because in truth, she'd wanted him to think of her in such a manner—had for a long time now—but Erik had always been impossible to pin down. Like a male butterfly, he'd always liked his freedom...and his women. Not that she'd been totally celibate over the years, but she couldn't boast near the number of partners he'd put to bed. And all along, even when he was with those other women, he'd shamelessly flirted with her, tossing out provocative innuendo or joking propositions that always ended in her scolding or itching to slap him, and invariably nursing a sore heart. It bothered her now that he would continue to play this game with her, especially as they'd obviously crossed a line last night.

"Where's my damn phone?" she asked, too tired to attempt looking for it.

Erik tore his eyes away from her and he scanned the room until he found her hand bag tossed on the floor beneath a lounge chair in his room. He took long strides to grab her bag and then he crossed over to her. He handed it to her and watched her open it, a relieved sigh escaping her mouth as she pulled it out. She checked the time and it was very late in the afternoon. No one had called her or texted. She went to her photos and there were over fifty pictures she’d taken.

She frowned at that. This could help.

"You're welcome," he said, looking at her.

"Oh, uh, thanks," she stammered after the fact, staring at her photo gallery, “But, um...I have a bunch of photos of us…do you?" She asked, "Is that karaoke?! Wait—a tattoo parlor?!!! Little White Chapel?!!! What the fuck?!"

Erik was silent for a long while in the face of that revelation, so she glanced up at him to find out why.

He was staring...no, glaring at her chest. The sheet had fallen and her titties were exposed. Deep brown areolas and thick, pointed nipples against tawny skin.

"Take that sheet off, Emoni," he demanded with a primal look in his eye, "Do it right now."

[mobblespsycho100]

which one’s toshiro and whys he autistic?

[ID: full body colored illustration of toshiro from the dungeon meshi manga. /End ID]

THIS FREAKIN GUY!!!! anyway

[ID: anonymous tumblr ask: "would def love to hear ur autistic shuro thoughts". /End ID]

awesome. rant under the cut because it will be long

So before we understand why Toshiro is the way he is we must first understand two things abt him:

1. his household situation is a very traditional clan of warriors type situation. his father is very strict and he left his homeland to go to the Island and explore the dungeon to train and become a warrior to be someone suited as the family head

2. Eastern and Western cultures of respect/propriety are different, and Ryoko Kui highlights it well even in her fantasy world.

With that in mind, heres some bullet point rapid fire thoughts that consume my current state of dunmeshi brain:

Toshiro has an avoidant personality. He fears upsetting others due to his upbringing, and rarely tells others how he feels not because he thinks they would simply understand him but because he doesn't want to seem rude and imposing / cause offense to others especially since he's not in his own homeland / hes a foreigner that should respect the land's customs, not his own wishes.

Setting boundaries is hard for everyone, but especially autistic (and some other ND, like those with Avoidant Personality Disorder) people. Those with ASD, at least in my experience, don't want to be isolated from others. So they mask.

They mask what? their desires. their true selves. their opinions. their discomfort. all for the sake of pleasing others (who are often neurotypical)

With that in mind, suddenly, what Maizuru said abt him as a child makes sense. Due to his strict upbringing, Toshiro had to more or less hide his preferences and force himself to adapt to the rigid constraints of his culture and the pressure to be the next family head, this responsibility is his burden to bear and he cannot be someone who expresses his selfish desires instead of focusing on being a strong warrior and leader

"Why did he say he hate Laios and that it should've been obvious that he disliked/found Laios' treatment of him uncomfortable??" BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS. I'm not going to write off Laios' autism/autistic coding, but its baffling (note: definitely racism and bias for white autistic ppl) to me that a lot of ppl don't see Toshiro's perspective and straight up ignores it. This is a lack of wanting to be rude by speaking up that is based on culture difference on Toshiro's part, and straight up ignorant of his microagressions/racism and lack of self awareness on Laios' end. They were both right, they were both wrong too. This is a complicated conflict that cannot be boiled down to simple ableist/the NT vs ND divide. There's something called . intersectionality. Which brings me to the next point

Toshiro never actually hated Laios. He found him uncomfortable, yes. But he didn't /hate/ him, he was speaking out because he's had enough!!! he's done tolerating Laios' racist bullshit, and he's done following the arbitrary Eastern rules of respecting others and not being rude!!! He. Wants. Laios. To Understand. What. He. Was. Feeling. Because he just had enough!!!!! alright!!! he's at his limit hes at his breaking point, the one he loves is now probably beyond saving, and this is a good time as any to break the news to Laios that he thinks that Laios is impulsive and doesn't fully understand how his actions have consequences!!! Hes right abt this. His feelings on this is valid, just as valid as Laios'

General autistic traits I find from Toshiro: his admiration of Falin's indifference towards insects ("woah shes so brave and gentle!! just like me, fr!!!"), His lack of regard for his own needs and wants (needing to sleep and eat and drink) because he was super focused on saving Falin, His lack of like drastic expression changes, his discomfort with physical touch when it's initiated without consent (see: Laios hugging ppl extra bonus art by Ryoko Kui), his manner of like speaking short and concise, people pleasing tendencies, his like quick way of combat, rule upholder/routine following enjoyer, he seems distant from others even those he consider family not cuz of like any terrible reason but hes just. someone who enjoys his own time alone like. yeah

aannnnndd. thats abt it? i think.

Big part of this is definitely me relating to Shiro as an Asian (specifically chinese indonesian) person who is probably Autistic lmao. I hope this brings more insight on why Toshiro is actually one of the silliest and epiccest dunmeshi characters ever I love him

[misty-metropolis]

People with complex dissociative disorders often have difficulty processing or expressing emotions. This can look like any number of things. For example:

Emotions being dramatically dissociated into individual parts, such that a host part feels limited to no emotion, but there exists another part who does nothing but cry, and a part who feels such incandescent rage that they are unable to function properly

Emotions being muted and difficult to parse from each other; alexithymia stemming from trauma / abuse

Emotions being largely dissociated, with random bursts of emotion that are scary and overwhelming

Emotions being very sharp and present, but jumbled and often in combination with each other. This may create an impression of being flaky, fickle, or difficult to please

Emotions cycling too rapidly to properly identify them or process how they are affecting individual parts or the system at large

This is a non-exhaustive list. Feel free to add on your own experiences.

For those who are interested, I also have some resources for emotion regulation, as well as some free strategies shared by my therapist, under the cut.

First, I know this has been said before but it really does work wonders, you need to pay attention to your vulnerability factors. Vulnerability factors are elements of your environment or internal experience that make it more difficult to self-regulate. A somewhat common community term for these is forks (in relation to the spoon theory). Common vulnerability factors include lack of sleep, hunger, and needing to use the restroom. Adequately caring for your body's physical needs allows for more complete emotion regulation and more energy to go toward emotion processing when it's needed. If you are sleep deprived, for example, and then become triggered, you're already expending so much energy just to maintain functionality that you're less likely to be able to prevent yourself from doing something you'll regret, like snapping at a partner.

I'm also happy to provide an overview of a few emotion regulation tools from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.

Positive Psychology has a set of three emotional intelligence worksheets (link) that are a good jumping-off point for exploring where you're at in that regard and strengthening your emotional intelligence skills. The emotion regulation questionnaire (link) is a clinical tool that can also provide some insight.

First, there's the STOP skill. STOP stands for Stop, Take a Step Back, Observe, and Proceed Mindfully.

When you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, or think they may be at risk of controlling you, force yourself to freeze in place. This prevents you from acting impulsively and doing something you'll regret. Try to name the emotion(s) you're feeling as descriptively as possible.

Then take a step back and give yourself some time to contemplate the situation with a little space from it. It's not often that you have to make a split-second decision based on limited information, so don't try to force yourself to do so.

Take in as much information as you can about the events taking place around you. Ask questions of other people in the situation with you. Try not to jump to conclusions, or listen to your automatic negative thoughts, which are based on an outdated belief system.

Use questions like "what are my goals in this situation?" and "how can my decisions impact the outcome?" to guide your decision-making process as you proceed.

Then there's the Opposite Action skill. This is the one that I use the most in my daily life, as a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Opposite Action encourages you to reject the impulses you feel when you experience a strong emotion, and to instead do something that is the opposite of that. A few examples (mostly dealing with anger, because that's where I use this skill the most):

When I feel frustrated or angry with a console video game, I want to throw the controller, so the opposite action I choose is to press the buttons very gently and deliberately, without force. (Consequently, I also notice more success when I do this!)

When I feel angry with my partner's behavior, I want to yell at xem or say something that will hurt xem, so the opposite action that I choose is to gently explain my feelings and ask them to explain what happened from their perspective.

When I feel ashamed of something that has happened to me, I want to isolate and hide from the world, so the opposite action I choose is to share my feelings (and the event, if I feel capable) with someone I trust and love.

The last skill I want to overview is Cope Ahead. This is a skill in which you practice ahead of time to figure out how you'll deal with a situation when it arises.

Step 1: Identify a situation that may cause you discomfort or strong emotions. I generally prefer to be more on the vague side, because details will vary and that allows me to get more mileage out of my cope ahead, but you should do it however is most helpful for you. Make sure you check the facts and carefully identify the emotions that might arise and interfere with your skills.

Step 2: Pick out your coping and problem-solving skills ahead of time. This is where Cope Ahead gets its name. You identify a situation and then decide in advance how you're going to react to it, allowing yourself to rehearse the possibilities and decrease the chances of acting impulsively*.

Step 3: Imagine yourself in the situation. Picture yourself going through it in the first person, not as though you're watching a film about yourself.

Step 4: Rehearse your reactions to the situation and any strong emotions it may bring up. Rehearse your thoughts and behaviors. Practice coping effectively until you feel like you can ace it. Do this in as many sessions as you need.

Step 5: REST! Do something that brings you peace to care for yourself after each session.

*Impulsive behavior is something with which many people with BPD struggle, and DBT was originally developed to treat BPD, despite its applications in other fields.

Sources:

DBT Tools (link)

Positive Psychology (linked above)

My therapist (can't link that one, sorry)

Also, I've taken DBT twice through and am licensed to teach it.

[chinchillasinunison]

Some more random bits of Welcome Home observation..............

So the concept of "eating with your eyes" Wally has going on calls to mind the idea of media consumption. Wally Darling absorbs what he needs through his eyes alone, passing his judgments purely on aesthetics (loves apples for the look, not the taste, to the point where he can't even recognize them in different forms). And that's got me thinking about all the varying sorts of creative expression depicted in Welcome Home.

Out of everyone in the neighborhood who has a special "thing," Wally's is the only one limited to two dimensions. The others involve the creation of a 3 dimensional object (Eddie's crafts and Poppy's baking), performance (Barnaby and Sally), or with physicality as a necessary component (Julie's games and Frank's bug catching/studying). You could say that compared to the others, his painting is... much more flat. Perhaps that could be a metaphorical reflection of his outlook? Wally has a vast field of view, but no depth perception, as it were?

The other detail that stands out to me in regards to everyone's "thing" is that Howdy... doesn't have one. Like... think about how weird that is for a second. He doesn't make anything original. He has others share with him their jokes, their ideas, their creations, in exchange for necessities like food. In the context of the in-universe show, what educational function is his segment supposed to serve? Simple: it conveys that art is a commodity that can be bought and sold. It's basically a microcosm of the life of an artistic professional without the middleman of currency.

So then....... what does that mean in the grand scheme of my "Wally is self-aware of his status as a children's TV show character and trying to monitor the neighborhood so the others don't grow beyond their initial roles" speculation? I think it gives a different potential motive to consider: self-preservation. Wally is aware that he is an art piece, but more importantly, that he is a product. Literally, the first line of his description beyond the opening blurb is that he is the most popular character in merchandise. The show must keep itself in top form so The Playfellow Workshop can sell, sell, sell those sing-along records and tie-in Little Golden Books and paper doll playsets. Otherwise? Well, Howdy doesn't just give away hot dogs for free, even if you're hungry. You need to pay for it. That's economics.

So Wally tries to keep the neighborhood agreeable. Palatable. Digestible. Apples always the same shade of red and as thin as the canvas he paints on. Only to swallow up with the eye, not to savor. Otherwise, if things get too complicated? Well, we all know the fate of the in-universe show....

Then again, still, I could be way off base. I just found all of this really interesting and want to share. And it has made me more suspicious of Howdy of all characters, so that's gotta count for something.

[guppygiggles]

The art I posted yesterday was a bit more suggestive than my usual fare. I'm going to talk about this in detail, but here's the long and short of it:

If you don't want to see tickling content from me that is suggestive, block this tag:

#fluffyspice

Here's what suggestive content from me might entail: shirtless men, kisses on tickle spots, expressions of pleasure or gratification from being tickled (verbal and/or facial expressions), hypnosis, or any of these things combined with bondage.

I will not be using this tag for bondage alone. I have always drawn light bondage (wrist and ankle cuffs, ribbons, and/or pinning). If you have a problem with that, even when the context is not romantic/sexual, then I'm gonna be real -- my content probably isn't for you.

More detail about this below the cut.

TW: Discussion of sexual topics and my personal feelings about sex.

I am primarily doing this out of respect for my sex-repulsed ace followers, particularly as a person who is also on the ace spectrum. I don't want to make my existing followers uncomfortable just because I might want to draw more physically intimate scenes. Please keep in mind that I have been drawing for less than a year, so this form of expression is still new to me; I do not know where my art journey will lead me, yet, but I really do not want to limit myself in that way... particularly since my content has been romantic and emotionally intimate from the start, so this shouldn't really be a surprise.

Sex without emotional intimacy does not interest me. This is not a condemnation of casual sex, sex between friends, or sex that is for pleasure and nothing else; there is nothing wrong with those things, they just don't do anything for me. I am telling you this so that you will understand the perspective of the intimate content I might make -- the intimacy and vulnerability are what I'm interested in, not the act of sex. I don't have a desire to draw "porn" in the way people typically think of and enjoy porn (I am also not claiming that porn is always devoid of real emotional intimacy, but I think we can all agree it is typically not the focus.)

Does this mean I'll get upset if you're getting off to my content? This might shock you, but no, I won't. I think self-love is healthy. If what I'm making evokes those feelings in you, that is, as they say, "between you and the lord." I am not trying to make you feel that way, but it doesn't bother me if you do; everything I draw and write is between consenting adults.

So, I guess I'll cut to what you're probably wondering at this point: Am I going to draw bobs, vagine or peanits? Probably not, both because I don't really have a desire to, and it would probably get me flagged if I did. There will (continue to) be shirtless men, though, and I might even draw them being tickled on their nipples. There might be buttcheeks, too (ouh là là).

That's all I had to say, I think. If you have questions about this, I'm happy to answer them (or try to, at least) but please keep in mind I am not an "authority" on these topics, I'm just a guy telling you how I feel. I am going to put either a link to this post or some explanation regarding this in my pinned post, when I get around to revamping it (whenever that is, haha).

I love you, and thank you so much for reading this and enjoying my content. I know I get ranty sometimes, but my experience on this app is 90% positive and I am so, so grateful for your support and kind messages. Even if I don't always respond, I read every one, and I appreciate it so much. 💙

[blessingmaxxer]

My response to @mywitchyblog!

"Thank you for your response! I definitely have a deeper understanding of your perspective. I will make sure to answer your direct questions within your argument as soon as possible, as well as also clarify/highlight some of the points I made in my argument." - my initial response to your post

My stance: Race-changing is often (if not always) disrespectful and you shouldn't need to race-change to care about or try to understand another race

With that being said, I'll start again!

To answer your question about mixed people race-changing, I don't see why one would need to? Are you not those races??

Anyway, the practice of reality shifting, wherein individuals immerse themselves in alternate realities or dimensions, includes the controversial activity of race changing. You argue that race changing allows for profound personal growth, empathy development, and cultural competence. However, critics express concerns about cultural appropriation, racial fetishization, and racism. This essay critically examines the arguments for race changing in reality shifting, addressing its ethical implications and assessing the validity of its claimed benefits.

You and some others describe the practice as a deeply immersive experience that extends beyond physical transformation, including emotional and cultural integration. You say that this immersive experience fosters empathy and a nuanced understanding of different racial identities. However, this perspective oversimplifies the implications of embodying an entirely different racial identity, especially considering that race-changing practitioners can opt in and out of their new identities at will—a privilege not afforded to real individuals facing racial discrimination. Those who do so will always do it in a cavalier manner, since they can easily discard all social implications and conventions that exist. Vacationing to a life of discrimination is truly disheartening and fetishizing to see.

"Just wanting see" what the hell that is discrimination is like is backwards. What could be so interesting about a different race that you have to become it? If you strip every argument down, it will always lead to someone not fully respecting other races is-- They don't see it as something to be held in regard if they can easily cross that boundary.

While you claim that race changing enhances empathy by allowing individuals to experience life from a different racial perspective, this argument has limitations. Experiencing racial identity through shifting lacks the permanence and systemic context that characterize real-life racial experiences. Even if you shift to a new race, you will never inherit the deep-rooted understanding of what it means to be that race. Visiting another country does not make you automatically or intrinsically a part of it's culture for the virtue of you being there, and having a willingness to "learn", does not automatically translate to a willingness to be respectful of that culture or identity.

Shifters may encounter only a superficial or selective aspect of racial identity without enduring the lifelong societal challenges and discrimination that individuals of that race face. Thus, the empathy developed through such a practice might be more akin to a simulated experience rather than a genuine understanding of racial adversity.

Furthermore, while race changing might lead to personal reflection, the capacity for self-reflection does not naturally translate into a deeper or more accurate understanding of racial issues. Genuine empathy and social justice awareness require sustained engagement with real-world issues and communities, not merely temporary immersion in alternate realities.

Shifting for a few months or years does not an empathetic person make, or give you true understanding of an identity. What do you expect, you have someone call you a slur and suddenly you become a better and more understanding person, ready to fight discrimination every which way? Multiverse or not, that's not how people work.

You acknowledge that race changing can be seen as a form of cultural appropriation. That is because it is. Assuming a different racial identity, especially for temporary and frivolous purposes, does, in fact, trivialize and commodify the lived experiences of those races. You don't want it to be that way, but it is. You counter that shifters can engage with new cultures deeply and respectfully, integrating themselves fully into their desired identities.

Nevertheless, this perspective fails to address the fundamental issue that race changing involves choosing and discarding identities at will, an act that lacks the permanence and societal impact associated with real racial experiences. The practice risks perpetuating the notion that racial identities are interchangeable and can be explored without the enduring consequences of systemic racism, ergo, discarding the meaningfulness of these people and experiences.

Additionally, the ability to "opt out" of a racial identity undermines the reality of living with that identity, potentially reducing it to a mere fantasy or experiment, which for an incomprehensible amount of people, it is not.

The concern of racial fetishization is pertinent, as race changing might encourage the objectification or exoticization of racial identities. I argue that focusing on racial characteristics for personal or imaginative exploration can reinforce stereotypes and reduce complex identities to superficial traits.

You assert that the immersive nature of race changing fosters genuine cultural engagement and empathy. However, the risk of fetishization remains significant, particularly if the practice involves an emphasis on stereotypical or desirable aspects of a racial identity while neglecting its broader, more complex reality. It doesn't go away because you think there's very little evidence or weight to it. Effective engagement with racial identities requires more than temporary immersion; it demands a deep and respectful understanding of the lived experiences and systemic challenges faced by individuals of that race.

The argument that race changing is inherently centers on the notion that it minimizes the real struggles faced by marginalized racial groups. I believe that such practices can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and disregard the reality of racial oppression. Those who race-change often operate from a place of privilege, like a rich person pretending to be poor for the fun of it or the aesthetic.

Just as someone would rightfully side-eye said rich person, people of color have every right to side-eye race-changers, and people who enthusiastically support it (as you've said, people have the right to be offended; that's because it makes sense to be).

To address these concerns, it is essential for practitioners of race changing to engage critically with their motivations and the broader implications of their practice. Effective empathy and anti-racism require MORE than temporary experiences; they necessitate a sustained commitment to understanding and addressing real-world racial issues.

Having that "as long as we aren't weird about it, we can do it" mentality is a coverup; there's no way to be not weird about it, if you're already willing to cross that boundary. You can't say, "Oh, black people... Cool, cool... Let me see what that's like, looks interesting," and it not be weird. Race isn't a fashion that you can try on and discard later. It's not a enriching activity you can do with the family. It's a real and tangible identity that one random person on the internet can't just grapple or tackle on a whim, or even with careful thought.

In short, race changing in reality shifting may offer some insights into different racial perspectives, it also raises significant ethical concerns. The practice risks trivializing real racial experiences, reinforcing stereotypes, and perpetuating a superficial understanding of racial issues. For a meaningful engagement with racial diversity and empathy, it is crucial to approach these issues with a commitment to real-world understanding and systemic change, rather than relying on temporary, simulated experiences. Critical reflection and genuine engagement with racial communities (outside of reality shifting) are essential for fostering a deeper and more accurate understanding of racial identity and systemic inequality.

Thank you for your time.

[spc-rambles]

I adore the steelworks gang, like more than I've seen other people express online.

First of all...

My little icon Lexi.

They have been known and initially regarded for their silly voices and jolly nature but I don't often see people looking into why they do it. Like their voices make them more wild than Marion who's generally loved by some fans but they also do it in spite of themselves. They and Theo did an entire upbeat song about how much they are failures to railway engineering with lyrics like:

"We're experiments gone bad

in other words whoever designed us must be mad."

These are not the words of someone with self esteem in how funny they are! They even showed them actually depressed when saying 'We can't do anything.' for the final time in the special.

And anyone who knew how long it took for more in-your-face LGBT+ representation in 2018 She-Ra will know that if this special just came out three or four years later, we might've had proper gender-fluid Lexi representation.

As for Theo...

He is still a pure little bean and I feel the ambiguity of his design makes it all the more reason for him to feel bad about his design. I don't know what about his design warranted gigantic cogs on his sides but we don't know what went on in whatever workshop he was built at. For all we know he could've had the Henry treatment, having been dumped on the doorstep on the first desperate railway executive needed an engine, as a last ditch effort for a dying manufacturer.

As for him being on the spectrum, I can still see it in his behaviour. Lexi was truly not gender fluid but once you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person.

And some characteristics are visible in him.

His unintentional bluntness. "Are you being scrapped?"

His tics and stutters.

His shakes in excitement, if you were to count it as stimming.

And who's to say he's not limited to physical disabilities? He and Lexi, depending on how successful you can view it having designs as unique as them on British rails, are the perfect ones to have given the body language they were adamant on giving all the engines back then.

Him being so gentle and anxious is generally adorable, so yeah, not so much to say about his actual personality.

Speaking of not much to say, not much to say on Merlin either, at least nothing that people haven't said already. We all know how awesome he is.

Beresford is MY MAN!

Beresford just wants a friend guys. He said in his own song that he was always ignored by engines who just want to get a job done. No time to chat with him. Loneliness can drive him mad. It is kinda sad that his appearance in Royal Engine was not only a sign of the further appearances these characters could've had but how it was also kinda a rehash of the scene we got in his last appearance, so maybe an episode of his own where he learnt to make friends properly would've been fun.

Ah well, at least he got some friends in another life.

And what can I say about Hurricane?

Keeping it real, working with steel.

Since 1902

He is such a chill guy, that while his companion might've had a lot of hard labour in mind for Thomas, he seems so genuine in wanting to take Thomas in while still acknowledging his terrible position. He could've done with standing up to Frankie though. But whatever, that's meant to be a part of his character, and he was voiced by the chad Jim Howick no less.

It's so funny when people say he sounded like a member of the royal family when he's played kings before.

And then there's Frankie.

Oh my god I adore her so much. Her manipulation being legitimately intimidating at the best times, especially when she's actually chasing Thomas down in the dead of night, her musical style bribing him into working for her, her VA's performance capturing all of her personality through line delivery perfectly.

Everything about her class, her demeanour, most of her lines makes me so curious about her whole life.

How is she running this steelworks better than the human manager of the works if there even is one? How are the human workmen so ok with her doing this? How did the other engines before Thomas get into doing her work? How did they get out? How did Hurricane stay with her for this long, let alone not encourage some potential friends of his to work with her? Was she indirectly responsible for Hurricane surviving as long as he did to still be a tank engine after she was built? Why didn't the railways surrounding this fictional steelworks not agree with this most likely non-existent human manager not just agree to get a lot of their engines to transport steel from their works? What did Frankie do? What are you hiding from us!?

The whole mystery surrounding her and her apparently feeling put-down and apparently not evil at heart according to her character profile and her role in the book 'Delivery at the Docks' makes her potential crimes such a goldmine for story potential that I really want to delve into very soon.

And yeah, that's what I have to say on them in canon. All beautiful characters that I feel need more recognition on a regular basis.

[cinnamonest]

hi lena ^_^ i saw your post about twst and i wanted to ask your thoughts on floyd *_* specifically regarding his mood swings + sadism and how you think he'd be as a yandere.. i honestly pray for his darling bc even normal floyd is terrifying

MY BOY I've had an idea for him for a while now and I'm glad to share it so ty <33333

On a soft (? sorta?) note he is absolutely the "I don't understand what this feeling is and how to express it to you and am confused and mad about it and I want to be around you but don't want to be vulnerable so I am just going to be a Menace™" type of boy. I LOVE the thought of him dealing with feelings bc I feel like the moment he has to handle something that actually makes him nervous and Feel Things he just... bluescreens, like eel.exe has stopped responding, he has one way and one way only of doing literally anything and now suddenly he has a fragile situation and he actually tries his best to do things "correctly" because he wants you to like him but at the same time it makes him vulnerable and he Does Not Like That At All.

As to how there's a female at the all-male school... use y'all's imagination I forgot to come up with something 😅A similar situation to the prefect maybe

Notes/Warnings: fem reader, VERY dubious consent that's basically just noncon, Jade taking being an enabler to another level, in fact Jade + Azul are just as bad if not worse here, a bit of canon divergence bc I expanded/extrapolated/exaggerated the limitations and capabilities of Azul's spell for plot purposes, biting (blood involved bc have you seen this boy's teeth), sadistic tendencies, consumption of fluids on his end, mentions of avoiding impregnation, Floyd being an entity of chaos and a creepy selfish little bastard all around

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He has two major issues.

One, he doesn't understand his own feelings very well, can't recognize them for what they are, and this becomes a source of frustration.

Two, even if he does come to understand, he can only express himself in the worst of ways. He's surprisingly somewhat... uncomfortable with it. After all, he's not someone who usually cares a lot about the opinions of others, so he's not used to wanting someone to like him.

And consequently, for someone normally so blunt and transparent, the concept of romantic love is something so out of his comfort zone, so foreign and uncertain and vulnerable, that it's one of a few times he's ever felt embarrassed over something, although he does hide it well.

That self-direction frustration and confusion comes a bit later on, but not at first. No, initially, he just does what comes naturally to him. He's not someone that really puts too much thought into what he does or why, just acts on urge and impulse. Nor does he think about the implications of those impulses and urges, what the desire to do this or that means. He just does what he feels like in the moment, and does so without hesitation or consideration. Usually, that entails being a pest to whoever is the most entertaining to get reactions out of.

And as for you, you're entertaining. Perhaps predictably, he quickly becomes a thorn in your side, from the first unfortunate interaction you have, an unpleasant occurrence in which he happened to sit beside you on the first day of a class and quickly learned you were amusing to annoy all throughout. He's always been that kid that entertains himself by making constructs out of materials available to him.

Unfortunately for you, the universe has decided to gift him with the most valuable possible material to such a person: a rubber band. About fifteen minutes into class, he's constructed some catapult-esque contraption out of pencils, a paperclip, and said rubber band, puts an eraser into it, and sends it flinging a short distance -- which just so happens to be directly onto you hand, causing your highlighter to skid across the paper. You narrow your eyes into a glare, and harshly set it back on his section of the desk.

As it turns out, expressing your annoyance was a mistake. The same thing repeats itself. The bastard has a dumb smile plastered on his face about it this time. Your eye twitches as you shove it back on him again. The process repeats again before the class is over.

He learns the things that irk you quickly. Especially if he runs off with things that belong to you, or tries to look over your shoulder and read whatever's on your phone or your notes. He quickly singles in on you as an ideal target.

But there's something different about your reactions, something that sets apart the feeling from other people.

Usually, he doesn't really mind when people get annoyed or mad. Depending on the situation, he might get irritated in return, but whether or not the reaction is enjoyable depends on the individual and situation. Annoying people is always fun, but whether or not it's fun to get the person really mad depends on that person. Pure anger is only funny from a handful of people, namely Rosehearts and a couple of the teachers. A lot of people get too serious when they're mad, so it's not as fun. It's much more amusing when there's panic with it, when he has the upper hand over someone in some way, or if the person is too tiny (at least compared to him) or weak or some other trait for him to take them seriously (that's what you fall into).

But you -- when you're annoyed, when you glare, when you spoke to him through clenched teeth that first day in class - hey, knock it off! - it was amusing, yeah, but there's also a different feeling too, something like... irritation. It feels bad, even though the amusing part feels good. And it makes him feel some pang of an unpleasant sensation, makes him upset. He likes making you mad, and yet there's something about doing so that he doesn't like, too, some unpleasant emotion that always accompanies the good, amusing feeling. It's quickly addictive. He starts acting on impulse more and more with each class period you have together.

So, he didn't really think about it. You wouldn't let him look over your shoulder at what you're writing, cast a glare again? Well, that's fine. He just grabs your notebook as you're packing up, and takes it with him.

Wha-- hey... HEY! That's mine!

You chase after him, but it doesn't do you any good, he's got long legs and can get away long before you stand a chance of catching up. You have no choice but to go on the rest of your day without it. You would have reported an incident of harassment or theft or whatever other term you could come up with to complain to the school administration about, but later that same day, he comes to your dorm's common area, calling out to ask if someone by the name of (your name) is present, holding it out to give it back. Based on what you know of the guy, you're a bit shocked he would come back himself.

Or so you think. You glare and rip it out of his hands, giving a few choice words before you realize how upright and poised he seems to be now, quiet, a neutral but pleasant expression rather than the lazy, bored one he has throughout class. He tilts his head.

I apologize. You seem to be unaware...

After explaining the difference between the two (much to your shocked expression, and ignoring your attempts to stutter out an apology), Jade reassures you he only came to return it after asking his brother how a notebook with a stranger's name on it ended up on the floor of their room (is this normal enough behavior that his first guess was that it was stolen...?). He reassures you that you can direct 'any future issues or altercations' to him, and implores you to forget the incident.

Well... he was so polite, and you feel really embarrassed and guilty for chewing him out when it turns out you had the wrong guy. You tell yourself you can let this singular incident slide. You make a mental note to avoid both individuals from that point forward.

Which, as it turns out, is not exactly easy. You get to your class early in hopes of snagging a seat in between two people, but that fails, and he ends up beside you again. Acts as if nothing happened. Just slouches over, asks in a lazy tone of voice to borrow a pen. It makes you sort of snap at him.

Oh, you want to steal that from me too?

...Eh? I didn't steal nothing from you... you got it back, yeah? It's right there on your desk. I just borrowed it a while.

You grind your teeth. At further pestering, you hand over your least-valued pen, making him swear to return it to you by the end of the class period. Not that the precious ink is being put to any good use, no. You take a glance over while the lecture drones on, but he's just scribbling onto a sheet of notebook paper. At least he does give it back.

It quickly becomes a cycle with each class. When a quiz day comes along, he rather blatantly leans his entire body to the side for several seconds, scanning your paper before copying your answers. It infuriates you, but you tell yourself it's not worth the trouble. You figure maybe he's the type that will leave you alone if you just keep ignoring him, probably will stop finding you fun to mess with if you don't give him attention.

Except that's difficult to do. If you don't give said attention, he pesters you until you do.

Hey.

You stay quiet. Just ignore him, just ignore him... so you tell yourself.

Hey.

You try. You try very hard.

Hey. Hey, hey.

You get taps on the shoulder that time. You turn your head, narrow your eyes, hiss out a whisper. What?!

It's never anything important, usually pointing out something amusing -- a crude drawing left in a textbook from a student of years past, that guy over there fell asleep on his desk and looks really funny, the prefect's cat got up and started wandering around. Never anything important.

And then, just when you thought that was bad enough, you go to a different class, one where you have your seating assigned to you, only to find out that it's been rearranged. And guess who you get put next to? It feels like some sort of joke from a higher power. Now you have to deal with him for over two hours a day. He doesn't seem to mind, though.

You aren't sure how you expressing blatant irritation at his every word could have possibly given the boy the impression that you were friends or anything, but for whatever reason, he starts to seek you out outside of classes. At lunch, in classes, in passing in the halls. When you think back, you're not certain exactly when or with what it started, it just seems to happen so quickly and subtly it becomes a part of your daily life without even noticing until you're too deep into the daily ritual to back out. It's almost never a pleasant interaction, it's always to inconvenience you in some way, or just to ask you stupid questions in that grating sort of whiny voice he gets whenever perturbed.

What're you reading?

Snatches it out of your hands. This is really boring, you really read this? Like, for fun? You have bad taste... hey, stop trying to grab it, he's still looking at it. As time goes on, and if he's in a particular sort of mood, you may be humiliatingly jumping up and down in an attempt to get it while he holds it up over your head. Until, eventually, he suddenly stops, seemingly losing all interest in the torment, handing it back to you and walking off, sometimes without a word. Other times you'll be trying to work on something, only for a shadow to appear over you and your work.

Mm? What is that?

You remind him it's the homework that's due in a couple of hours. He replies, with no sense of urgency, that oh, I forgot about that. Tries to talk to you about something else. You give curt, short answers, very clearly communicating a not-subtle 'go away,' but even if he catches the hint, he doesn't act upon it. Just sits there, keeps asking pestering, pointless questions, before abruptly standing up and leaving whenever he feels like it. He gives you some dumb nickname that makes your skin crawl, but after telling him not to call you that, he just does so more. It starts with questions that wouldn't be so bad if not for the perpetual poor timing and coming from him, but often turn outright rude.

What class do you have after this one?

Why'd you get sorted into that dorm? They're all so boring...

Home come you're so uptight all the time? Don't you ever do anything fun?

And no matter how blatant the irritation and annoyance in your voice is when you reply, it doesn't deter him from continuing. If you're not paying enough attention to him, he can just take whatever you're looking at out of your hands. If you try to get up and leave, he just follow behind you, only finally leaving when he loses interest, and no sooner.

For everyone else, though, it's sort of a blessing. He's focused all his attention on you, so the normal victims of his tendencies and antics are left alone and unbothered, with you receiving the same annoyance and pestering and presence usually spread out across multiple others. He's even absent from the lounge quite a bit when he shouldn't be.

But for you, it starts to make you paranoid. You find yourself looking around all the time, unable to really relax whenever you're in open areas public to the student body, like the cafeteria and library and the like. You start to just study and work in your room much more often. You try once more to get to class early so you can find a seat in between two others, so he can't sit next to you, which does work every now and then (much to the visible displeasure on his face). But every time you see him, he's right back to being annoying. You don't know why, and you know you've made it more than clear that you'd rather not have him around.

So, you simply begin to avoid him more intensely. The class seating arrangement is not really fixable, but now you pack up and bolt out the door as soon as it's over, and don't linger in the slightest, try to get away before he can even follow you out. You work exclusively in your room, or areas limited to your dorm's students. You avoid him whenever possible during school hours, too. Which isn't too hard, as he's so tall that you can generally pick him out of a crowd and see him from a good distance away. You make sure to keep as great of a distance as possible between the two of you, and if you notice him coming towards you, you try your best to get away. Sometimes, inevitably, you still fail. Your eyes meet, you see him perk up and make his way over to you, and you fail to get away fast enough before a hand grabs the collar of your uniform and pulls you back. Hey... where're you trying to go...?

And it's not as if he's unaware that you're avoiding him.

No, in truth, he's very aware he's annoying you. He's realized that from the beginning, hell, it was intentional, he was trying to do so, after all. But he's aware that it's not just annoying you in a temporary way that's fun for him (although that's often true as well), but also that he's actively making you dislike him. He keeps digging the hole deeper and deeper and making you hate him but he can't stop.

See, he knows no other way to interact with you. Messing with you and terrorizing you on a daily basis is just the default way he interacts with virtually everyone. It's what comes naturally. And normally, people being wary of him and a bit uneasy around him is fine by him, amusing even. The only people he really cares about are his brother and Azul, and both of them are essentially immune to his ways to an extent. Thus, he's never had to learn to interact with others in a positive, normal way. He wants to be around you, but the only way he can manage do that is one that makes you not want to be around him. The way he is just kind of... comes out, without making an intentional effort to be that way. This gradually begins to create a great deal of negative emotion in him.

Especially seeing as he doesn't really get it to begin with. He's perceptive of you to an extent, but he's not all that self-aware, he doesn't understand the feeling itself, just knows the urges are there -- the urge to be around you, talk to you, follow you around. Mess with you and watch you squirm. He doesn't like that following the urges is resulting in your disdain the way it is. Someone avoiding him has never made him frustrated like it does now. Normally, he really couldn't care less what others think of him, so he doesn't put others' perception or esteem of him into consideration when acting. His lack of concern for this is pretty obvious in his attitude, too.

But the thing is, he does care, when it comes to you, how he's perceived. And that's a new, foreign feeling. Everything you cause him to feel is very new and foreign. It's a lot of strange feelings he doesn't understand, and is very frustrated about not understanding.

Not that he doesn't still enjoy antagonizing you. No, he greatly enjoys getting reactions from you, startling you, stealing things from you, making you mad or upset, seeing you jump to try and get your things back.

It's difficult to explain (largely because it's nonsensical), but he basically wants to terrorize your life and ruin your day, over and over, but he  wants you to be a willing participant in the cycle, rather than avoiding him or running away. For you to allow it... well, no, just allowing it and being unaffected would be boring. He wants you to be upset and mad, but to not avoid what makes you upset. To be bothered, but to... enjoy being upset. For you to like it and dislike it at the same time.

Of course, the problem lies in the fact that this is simply not the logical course of action any normal person would take. He does upset you and he does annoy you, so, like anyone would do, you avoid him.

The thing is, he sometimes comes to you with genuine intent, just wanting to ask a question or something similar. He's done so a few times in the past, just sees you and follows the impulse to approach you and start talking. On those occasions, he's not really all that unpleasant, just asks what you're doing and where you're headed, but to you, you automatically assume it's just a precursor to doing something to upset you. The way he looms over you and stares down at you certainly doesn't help diminish the intimidation, even if he's not trying to be intimidating. Granted, that too would likely turn into something less pleasant, but he's still trying to strike up a genuine conversation. Thus, when you still frantically try to get away on those occasions, it upsets him even more than when you do so normally. Even though he's just trying to talk to you, even though he didn't do anything wrong, you still stiffen up, look to the ground, give a quick answer and go running off and away. It feels irritating.

What gives?

He gets that sort of irritated, whining tone, that furrowed eyebrows and slight scowl to his face, even though he's just muttering to himself. You're way overreacting... he's trying to be nice this time and you're still running away when you see him? What do you have to go and do that for? Why do you act like he's gonna do something bad? What has he ever done to deserve you being so cold as to turn off and run before he can even get a word out? Ugh.

The scowl persists as he makes his way back home. He's petulant when he's in a bad mood. Doesn't want to help at the lounge... even him coming up to you just now was after he went off on his own when he was supposed to be there, leading to a serious staffing confusion and the lounge going unmanned for a solid half hour. Not that his mood swings haven't led to him abandoning responsibilities before, but he usually has at least some consideration as to not outright leave on the rare occasion he's been needed to run things alone while the others are busy.

When questioned on the matter, he just shrugs.

I didn't feel like it.

But it's said not in that usual dismissive, lazy tone of his, but rather, a very obviously bitter voice. And, quite childishly, he doesn't respond well to asked as to what's wrong. Of course, there's a certain embarrassment to liking someone that way. His subconscious knows that, but he doesn't consciously know why that burning feeling is there. Thinking about it all makes him feel some feeling that's good and bad and exciting and dreadful and pulls him in and scares him away all at the same time and it's so, so incredibly frustrating.  Usually, if he's mad about something, he won't hesitate to complain and be very vocal about things that upset him, even when it would probably be best left unsaid. Now, though, at the probing of both Azul and his twin, he's very clearly upset, but gives uncharacteristically curt, cold replies when asked what's causing his poor mood.

Nothin'.

But those questions aren't being asked out of genuine curiosity, either, more just to see if it'll help him to talk about it.

They already know. Floyd is not the most perceptive of his own self, but that doesn't mean that Jade and Azul aren't already perfectly well aware of exactly what the issue is. They keep enough of an eye on him to have seen him around, always trailing you, always sulking after you run off, they've seen how his mood has gotten worse and worse with time, and both connect the dots more or less immediately.

They don't really know what to do, though. The situation leaves the both of them at a loss. They certainly do discuss the matter to each other, whenever Floyd is gone off to go hunting for you or sent to run errands or merely sulking off on his own, but have trouble coming up with what can really be done to resolve the problem. After all, it's... well, it's him. Him being the person that he is complicates literally any social situation he could ever possible be involved in. Initially, they tried to just redirect his attention back to something else, hoping he'd lose interest in you, but that didn't work.

Eventually, although it's more of a straightforward and potentially risky plan than either would have liked, they do come up with something akin to a solution. Nothing covert, nothing manipulative or underhanded, rather, incredibly direct and transparent, at least towards you.

You're looking down at your notes, so you have your head tilted down when you're approached, have your name called out to you. That's a bit startling, as you didn't hear anyone approach, and you're sitting by yourself after classes have ended for the day... but it's far more startling when you tilt your head up to the speaker, and nearly have a heart attack, stiffening and starting to stand up before you recognize that oh, it's the *other* one.

Jade is as eerily polite as always. Apologizes for startling you, standing in that stiff and unmoving way that makes your skin crawl. He says he simply has a proposition that would be potentially beneficial to you, in exchange for helping him with a problem. You warily ask for some elaboration.

He doesn't beat around the bush or waste any time building up to the offer. It's very simple. Your avoidance of his brother, who is fond of you, puts him in a poor mood, which negatively affects those around him. You, for a negotiable weekly sum, will abide by the following loose terms: stop avoiding him as you do, be pleasant towards him, entertain his ways, and generally gives him what he wants. Interventions and help for problems that may arise can be discussed. Name a price.

You're taken aback at first, left blinking, wide-eyed and silent. Even if it weren't such a bizarre thing to be asked, the suddenness with which you're hit with the information takes a moment to register.

What?

But after the offer is repeated to you (calmly, as if saying nothing out of the ordinary), and you fully process it, you scoff.

Are you serious?

But he doesn't miss a beat.

Entirely. You go to protest, but he speaks again before you can. He tends to lose interest in things very quickly, as I'm sure you're aware. It would most likely only be for a short time.

A few moments of silence pass between the two of you. You roll your eyes, lean back in your seat, and think of an outrageous price, hopefully to deter him, making sure to add a sardonic tone to be clear it's not serious. Twenty-thousand thaumarks a week.

But instead of sighing or making a displeased expression, he just nods.

Accepted. Please, sign this.

You sputter and stiffen. A paper is set on the desk, a pen set down to your side. Right, these people are obsessed with making all deals by written contracts, you've heard that mentioned before... still, the prospect is... You swallow, blink numbly, look back and forth between the paper and the eerie, unwavering smile above you. There's practically an essay written in tiny text on the paper, but you're not about to take the time to read all of that. Instead, you focus on the much-larger bullet points at the center of the paper, with your and Floyd's names handwritten into some of the brackets, to establish the primary points of the contract.

Do not flee when approached, and do not avoid the tertiary party [LEECH, F.] without reason outside of desire to do so.

Spend approximately, at minimum, three (3) hours per day outside of in-class time in each other's presence.

Behave generally pleasantly towards the tertiary party [LEECH, F.], avoid unnecessary cruelty or malice.

Abide by the tertiary party's will, and do not impede the tertiary party from doing as he wishes.

And beneath it all, there's a final piece of large print, bolded too, right before the designated signature line.

This contract will remain known exclusively to the primary [LEECH, J.; ASHENGROTTO, A.] and secondary [______] parties. No individuals outside of these parties, including the tertiary party [LEECH, F.] may be made aware of the existence of this contract nor the contents thereof.

Your nose scrunches. Of course the bastard would make it sound a lot better verbally, when the specifics are stricter... given all of this, the proposition would be incredibly annoying. Not to mention--

...What if I mess up just once? How do you even know I'm doing it anyway?

The other twin doesn't seem to be bothered by the question.

I will not be able to watch your every move, so you are granted some leeway to make mild offenses, but if you continually violate the terms, or commit major violations...

His smile seems to widen, his eyes close.

I *will* know. I assure you.

His expression creeps you out. You shift in your seat. Your natural reaction, of course, is to immediately reject the idea. Besides, it's a golden scroll, made by the dorm's housewarden... that means it's magically bound, or something like that, and he can take some ability of yours away or something. But you, well, the housewarden has nothing against you, you've never actually interacted with the guy. Besides, your magical abilities are... not enviable, you'd admit. So whatever is taken can't be too useful to you. This is probably just the default way they do all contracts, you assume.

Nonetheless, you still don't like how shady the thought of magic being involved in the contract is.

...But that's a lot of money.

That's a LOT of money.

And he said it would be temporary, right? Even at the bottom of the contract, amidst a mountain of words, you spot in slightly larger print: ...until it can be mutually agreed upon by the primary and secondary party that the tertiary party has lost interest, at which point, the contract may be terminated without further effect or consequence.

With that in mind, it's basically just putting up with him for a month or two for a lot of money, right?

You clench your jaw, but your hand seems to move on its own. You just can't pass that up.  He snatches it back the moment you set the pen down.

Thank you for your cooperation. You will receive a transfer to your account by the end of the day.

You shift uncomfortably in your chair and start to ask about the specifics, you didn't read all that tiny print after all... but he's already out the door. You get the sense he left as fast as he could on purpose. You're not sure if there's anything else specific you're supposed to do, but if so, it's kinda his fault for not elaborating, you assume.

But as the day goes on, you get a dreadful feeling in your stomach. Maybe that wasn't a wise idea. You start to think of all the ways you can get out of this, consider walking over to Octavinelle just to try and cancel the deal... but... that is a lot of money. Even someone like him is tolerable with that much money on the line, right? You've already gotten used to his presence, so, you figure it won't be too bad. You just have to tolerate what you've already gotten used to, and you'll get paid for it. It's not like it can really get any worse.

Except it can.

It turns out, as awful as Floyd is when you're running away from him, it is indeed infinitely worse when you don't run.

At first, you figure he just has to be there, right? Jade never said you have to really pay him any mind. So you go about your tasks... for whatever amount of time you can.

He gets annoyed pretty quickly. Rips the thing you're doing out of your hands. What's this for? This looks boring...

If you're looking at something on your phone, likewise, he leans over, reads the screen of whatever app you're on. If it's social media - Who's that? That your family? - or if it's a game - what's that? What's that thing for? What are you supposed to do? - and if it's a website or text-based social app - what's that about? Which one is you? What're you talking about? - just zero respect for your privacy, trying to butt in on whatever you're doing. Most importantly, he very quickly decides it's boring and you should do something else, and will take the phone out of your hands if need be. It's like a child, his solution to getting your attention or getting you to do anything is always the same, directly grabbing whatever is in your hands and pulling it away so you're forced to either pay attention to him, or follow him in an attempt to get it back. It quickly becomes a habit of his that drives you up the wall.

Your agreement also means you now no longer try to run to class early to get a seat between two already-taken seats before he can get there, no. Now, he's following you all the time anyway, so you don't get the chance. And he doesn't exactly pay attention in class, as you've already learned. As time goes on, he gets more conversational rather than just the occasional interjection, acting as if class time is just a designated period for you two to whisper back and forth, seeming to not care whether or not you're trying to actually pay attention. Occasionally he'll use a paper (provided by you) and pen (also provided by you) to draw a tic-tac-toe board, which you usually actually do engage with, as it's a way to keep him quietly, non-disruptively entertained for a few minutes.

As agreed, once classes are over, you let him follow you for about three hours, usually to the library or the school store. Once that time is up, though, you say you have to study, and bid him farewell to go to your room. That's a valid reason, you assume, and it's not like Jade can watch you from the safety of your room, so it's not a violation even if you're actually just going back to nap.

There's never any "official" moment at which things become "a relationship." He never says anything of the sort, and neither do you — you agreed to tolerate it, but you're certainly not going to instigate that. Hell, you want to avoid him thinking it's something like that, even if you've slowly pieced together that that may be what he wants.

Or so you guess. That's the conclusion you come to, but he's not a person who makes sense to begin with. If that was what he wanted, it makes no sense for him to have acted the way he has either. You just try to not think about it, and deal with things as they happen.

He just gets more... comfortable. You were hoping that he would maybe get less intense with time, that he'd get bored as he so often does with other things, but it only seems to get worse. He sits closer to you whenever you're next to each other. When he trails behind you, the distance between you two has grown smaller and smaller, so much so that sometimes his shoes scuff against yours, your arms brush up against each other.

He finds you more frequently. It reaches a point where it's suffocating. It used to be that he would come find you to annoy you maybe once a day or so, but now, it's every opportunity. Somehow he manages to learn where you have classes and clubs, where you hang out after the day is over, and hunts you down at each one with eerie precision and accuracy, within minutes of leaving a room or sitting down. Sometimes he's waiting outside the door when you exit a class. Stays with you all day, for the remainder of the day, until you finally go back to your dorm.

He himself doesn't treat it as if it's strange or funny or anything. You almost get the sense he doesn't realize how abnormal it comes across as. Always just striking up conversation on whatever strikes him as important enough to address at the moment. Or, increasingly commonly as time goes on, and an indicator that he's going to be particularly annoying on that day: I'm bored.

You always sigh. But you have to be somewhat polite... well, what do you expect *me* to do about that...?

He'll shrug. Maybe say 'dunno.'

But that's when he starts to get nosey, mess with your things. Always flops down on the other side of where you're sitting, or beside you. Continues the habit of ripping things out of your hands (your biggest pet peeve with him, the most infuriating thing he does, and yet does it so often), feels the need to comment on them, moves on to mess with something else. All until it always ends the same way -- with your undivided attention being on him and exclusively him.

Hey, play a game with me.

Watch this video with me.

We're gonna go to the store, I wanna get something.

Always, always, doing whatever he wants. You have to learn to bite your tongue. It's worse than it ever was when he was just a pest in class. When you made the agreement with Jade, you were envisioning only dealing with what you were already accustomed to. You didn't think it would get more intense.

And another thing, you also didn't predict the repercussions of that when it comes to other people.

You wanted to hang out with your own friends, but since he tags along with you everywhere you go, you tried to maybe you could lug him along like a pet or something and hope he stayed quiet... but people know who he is, and most are a bit uneasy around him. He doesn't actually do anything bad -- he doesn't have to. He just sort of looks over at your group, making eye contact, and almost immediately one person suddenly conveniently has to leave. Then another, then another, and all of your friends have disbanded within a few minutes, and he didn't have to say a word. You sulk back to your dorm... you get the sense he's not at all unhappy, though. It just means more time by yourselves, after all.

People try and approach you, still, just to say hi, to ask a question. Plenty of times now, you've been sitting next to him in the library or on a bench in the outdoor area and someone will come up to you, waving and calling your name... only to stiffen. He just looks at them. Not a glare like a normal person would if upset, but that blank, wide-eyed, intense stare, eerie and ominous and more threatening than any glare, really. It drives people away within a minute of coming up to you, they usually stammer something about whatever they were going to approach you for, but get it out as quickly as they can before taking off in a different direction.

It's not the only issue with others, either. On the rare occasion you get to have a few minutes to talk with someone else, he always manages to show up, interrupts your conversations, coming up to you and talking right over the other person, pulling you away as if they weren't there.

One day, a rare occurrence takes place in which he actually was running late (some sort of issue at the lounge) and isn't with you when you arrive, nor is he already in the classroom by the time you get there. In his absence, some poor, poor new transfer student makes the mistake of sitting down beside you. You say nothing, not wanting to be rude... and besides, surely he'll let this one instance go, right? It's not that big of a deal.

You would be wrong. He comes walking up to his usual place, quiet and staring. There's a few moments of silence. You turn in your chair and are just about to say something when the poor kid is grabbed by the back of his shirt, hauled up into the air, carried a few steps over, and promptly dumped onto the ground. Floyd takes his usual place, the kid runs off, all without a word. He says nothing about it either, just starts talking. What's everyone looking through the book for? 's there a test today...?

You didn't say anything at the time, but that occurrence marks the moment you truly begin to realize you can't allow things to go on as they are.

So you tell yourself. You tell yourself you're going to do something. Over and over.

But the spending money is nice. You get a ton of things you wouldn't have otherwise. New stationery and notebooks for class, a new phone, some expensive memory cards, so on and so on. You blow through it pretty fast... even though you tried to tell yourself to save some of it. Honestly, you often end up making an unnecessary purchase as a reward to yourself after a particularly energy-draining day of dealing with Floyd. It's what keeps you going, really. Until this is over.

It's only one day, upon thinking that, that you realize something. It's been months since you started enduring all this, and yet, unlike the prediction you were given, he shows no signs of "losing interest."

That's worrying. You only agreed under the belief it would be short-lived. There is absolutely no way you can endure this for the rest of the semester, let alone the year, or, God forbid, the rest of your school career. You'd go insane. You have to do something.

You consider going over and giving Floyd's twin a piece of your mind and telling him to forget it, plenty of times. But soon that isn't even an option, because you wouldn't have the time.

Because now, he starts following you back to your dorm. Like so many other things, it's never addressed, it goes unspoken. One day he just apparently decides that he's not going to follow you to the edge of your dorm and bid you goodbye for the day like usual, no, he just... keeps walking. Follows you into your dorm space without a word about the matter. At least he seems to be enjoying himself, saying something about how it's cool, asking what's that and that over there, so on and so on. It's only after you reach your room that he finally seems to take a hint and mutters something about seeing you tomorrow. You give a brief mm-hmm before closing the door to your room behind you, and sinking down to your knees in exhaustion. Great, now he knows where your room is.

It's only after a few minutes of sitting there, though, that you realize you haven't heard his footsteps walk away yet.

Is he just... standing...? No, you just... didn't hear it. You were lost in thought. So you tell yourself.

Meanwhile, he wonders why you haven't gotten up yet. Are you sitting on the floor? He can sort of see your shadow through the tiny crack of light at the bottom of the door.

He was kinda hoping to go inside. That's disappointing... sigh.

You're probably at that point, right? He's... not sure. He would think so. Is there some kind of factor determining whether or not it's okay for him to go in? Was he supposed to just walk in anyway? You probably wouldn't have minded, right? Should've done that. He's not familiar with any time frame where you're supposed to start going into each other's places, but he's like, ninety-nine percent sure you're there.

See, to him, he just assumes something must have changed somehow. More importantly, he is under the impression you are "together" in the relational sense.

At some point along the way, unlike he was initially, he's figured things out. Never said it out loud. He's usually not someone that's embarrassed easily, but the thought of this in particular is... it makes him uncomfortable in a way that's foreign to him. It's confusing.

But he does understand, now. Why being around you makes him feel like there's a weight on his chest, such a nervous and unpleasant feeling, yet why he keeps coming back to it, why such an unpleasant feeling can be so pleasant and addictive all the same. Even he, who has no former experience with the emotion, who has never even given the topic much thought, can only think about it for so long before putting the pieces together. He doesn't fight it, no, he's not the type to be in denial. He just sort of... accepts it. It is what it is.

Still, he's not good with this sort of thing. Doesn't really know a lot. Has never experienced it before. And that makes him uncomfortable, nervous even, below the surface of a composed exterior. He's never cared about what someone else thinks of him, has never wanted someone to like him.

And in truth, he's been somewhat nervously analyzing you all along. Again, he just... doesn't know of another way to interact with someone, than the way he does already. But this is the one time he's really really cared, so if there is some other way to interact with you, that's supposed to win you over, he'd want to know. Is there something special he's supposed to do?

Ugh. It's all so annoying. It makes him mad. It's made worse by the fact that the source of the negative emotion is a situation, a concept, his own feelings, not a person. Usually when he's mad, he can squeeze whoever's making him mad... he wants nothing more than to take the source of the anger, wrap his hands around its neck... but he can't, because there is no person at fault (well, he thought about doing that to you, but that made him feel weird in a different way that he doesn't get yet). But the emotion keeps boiling over, it's unbearable, he hates it.

Well, come tomorrow morning, the residents of your dorm will find one of their pieces of thematic decor snapped in half, but... yeah, no one saw it happen, so he'll just set the other half on the ground and find his way out. He kicks at the ground as he walks, deep in thought.

All of a sudden, you stopped running away so much. You still have an irritated expression sometimes, but maybe that's just how you are? That's how you always seem, and he's around you all the time, so that must just be your resting face. Otherwise, why would you be wearing that face whenever he's around you?

Whatever the reason, you clearly don't mind. So, that basically officiates it, doesn't it? No need to actually say anything or ever address it. That would be... something he doesn't know how to do. Something he can't afford to just do, as it doesn't come naturally. Something he won't do, can't do.

But that's normal, right? It happens all the time, people are together without every officially establishing it.

Instead, he just tests you. That makes sense to him. The desperation to have some sort of confirmation gives him the temporary confidence to go through with such a thing without hesitation.

You would never know he's uneasy. He comes across as just as uncaring and casual in the action as everything else he does. It's a very simple test, too: comes up to you after a class, gives you the usual what're you doing?, you exchange a few words, he sits down beside you like always.

Except this time, as you are acutely and immediately aware, he sits so close that your thighs touch.

A moment passes. You clench your teeth and stiffen. But, you're pretty sure this would fall under the technicalities of the contract, so, you bear it, and you say nothing.

...

...

...You didn't move.

Yeah, so, if you didn't view things between you two the same way he does, you would have moved. That basically confirms it, for him. Good to know. It's not solidified in his mind. Very relieving.

From that point forward, he starts to become more touchy. He always sits that way, so your legs touch, he starts to lean so that your arms touch too. Eventually he starts to just lean over, rest on you. The fact that you don't pull away is reassuring.

Nor is his tendency to grab at things limited to objects you're holding; even with you, he's grabby. You're going off in one direction, but he wants to go this way? He'll just grab you by the arm and pull you the preferred direction. He wants to get up and go somewhere else? He'll abruptly stand up, grab the collar of your shirt and pull you up. He has no issue interrupting you, far overstepping the boundaries of rudeness to prioritize you paying attention to what he wants. Even if you're listening to music or something, but he deems whatever he has to tell or show you as more important (which he always does), he'll just pull the earbuds out of your ears to interrupt and override whatever you're doing.

If you get a text, he'll often poke his head over your shoulder as he did before, but often now he'll just grab your phone and look at it himself. Hey, who's this? That's a newer aspect of his interruptive tendencies that begins to develop - he's always gotten nosey about who people are, but you notice he's much more intent on it now, no longer accepts one word answers like "my cousin" or "a friend" alone, but instead pries more and more, wanting to know how you know them, how often you talk to them, if they're a student here, and so on. It helps his case that he doesn't ask in an angry or nervous tone, instead maintains his usual casual, lax tone of voice... but even so, there's still an increasingly clear intensity to it, insistence. Namely because, on the few times you've tried to get around a question or avoid answering, he doesn't let it slide, and will ask the same thing again. Again, no anger or intense emotion, but something about the fact that he asks a second time, no matter how relaxed his face and voice may seem, gives you a sense of unease. Like it bothers him more than it would initially seem.

Once, you must have forgotten to lock your screen, because you come back after getting up to get a drink (insisting no, the machine is right over there, that he needs to just sit right there and not get up to follow) to him sitting there, scrolling through... your phone. Not trying to hide it; even when you stand there in slack-jawed disbelief at the audacity, he turns his gaze over to you for a moment before asking why you haven't sat back down yet. Notes that hey, you know, you really should optimize your phone settings, your battery's gonna drain faster the way it is now... and keeps scrolling. Even when you get over the disbelief and, momentarily forgetting your contract terms, start grabbing for it (that's my phone! Floyd, you can't -- you can't just -- ugh! Give it!) he just leans over and turns all around to avoid you snatching it back, continuing his curious browsing with an otherwise blank face, only smiling after finding something somewhat embarrassing, turning it back to you to tease you about it, which goes on for a few minutes before finally relenting.

It's too much. You barely manage to control your frustration. It's reached a point where the money isn't worth it, he's too annoying, he's driving you crazy, freaking you out, driving your friends away. You can't even remember the last time you had a conversation with anyone other than him. You tell yourself to take the first opportunity you get to seek Jade out again.

Which does come, one day, in an unexpected situation. A partnered project in the lecture section of the alchemy class you two are in, to be completed as part of the lab section. The professor begins reading off pairs of who works with who, but you realize the partners being assigned are based on just who sits next to each other. Unsurprisingly, then, your names are called as a pair. He seems pleased by it, making a comment about how you should make something cool-looking (the subject matter is destructive chemicals, so you're almost worried he might put a bit too much effort in...).

Not that that's too bad. You already spend all that time with him anyway... besides, you'd almost be afraid for the safety of your partner if it was anyone else. He might do something to them. You'd hate someone to get hurt because of you. You don't think much more of the matter, until suddenly, after school is over for the day, he abruptly stops, just as you pass by some of the doors leading to important administrative offices and, more notably, the school pharmacy.

I'm gonna go get something... wait here just a minute.

It immediately strikes you as odd that he doesn't have you go in with him. But frankly, your curiosity on that is immediately overshadowed by the sudden realization that, for once, you have a spare moment to yourself, during the daytime. His absence gives you an opportunity. Sure, he said he'd only be gone "a minute," but the temptation to be able to end things is too strong. It's not like it matters if you ditch him, since you'll be able to get rid of him permanently soon, right? You can cancel the contract, finish this project, tell him off and then never talk to him again. Be done with it all for good. It's more than you can handle. You chastise yourself for ever agreeing in the first place.

You practice a speech on the way to Octavinelle, run over the words over and over, but by the time you get there and make your way to the housewarden's office (you know full well he's in on it too, his name was on the contract after all) and barge through the doors, your mind goes blank.

Predictably, the housewarden and your tormentor's brother are both there, thankfully by themselves. Their eyes widen a bit, seeing you come in, but at the same time, it's more of an intrigue, merely catching attention by the suddenness of someone coming through the door. But they don't look surprised to see you. As if both knew it was only a matter of time before you'd be walking through those doors one day.

You try to not overthink, and just speak. Be direct and blunt.

I can't take it anymore.

It all comes unraveling out of your mouth all at once. I can't do this. It's wearing me down. I'm going insane. I can barely breathe. You ramble for several minutes, telling them just how far it's all gone and how you're at the end of your patience.

They listen attentively. Almost too much so. Glance back at each other, then back to you.

You are prepared to go through with the cancellation policy, then?

You take a few moments to reply.

...Huh?

Mechanically, without any effort to look for it, the housewarden pulls the paper out in a matter of seconds. Sets it on the table, pushes it in your direction.

The cancellation policy. It was on the contract that you signed.

There's a rising dread in your stomach. You don't like the faux-pleasantness on his face, the way he intertwines his fingers and rests his head on top of the conjoined hands. You squint downward.

In very tiny print, towards the middle of the page, it reads that cancellation of the contract would require complete reimbursement of all your payments up to the point of cancellation, in addition to 20% interest on those funds.

At this point, that would be... you try to compute it in your head, but the multiplication quickly becomes too high of numbers for you to do without the aid of a calculator. And contractual issues where the agreed deals aren't met... you've heard nightmare tales about students getting into that situation. Worked to the bone.

Still, the first thing that comes out of your mouth is to ask Azul to do exactly that.

So you'll just make me work for you? I... I can do that. Just-- I'll do work for--

No need. I would merely use control over you to have you go back to doing the same as you've been anyway. He tilts his head. It's more of a matter of whether you'll do it of your own will, or by force. He points to a specific line. And even if you break it, you'll continue to accumulate debt per week. More so, even, see here?

A different line, that reads: post-cancellation, the interest on the remaining debt will increase by 50% per week.

That's 70% total interest... that's almost doubling the amount with each week, and even if you worked a full-time job, that would be...

There's a long silence. The look on your face tells them all that could need to be said.

That's insane. There's a strain in your voice. Desperation, panic. In your defense, it is insane. You'd never see something like that in the real world, it would be bordering on illegal. You also recall the first conversation you had with Jade, and turn back to him. You said it would be temporary.

He smiles as you again. I did believe so. It would seem you have managed to fulfill your role well enough that you have become an exception. Congratulations.

You eye twitches. In your panic, you start to raise your voice, lash out with desperation in your tone.

What happens when it ends, then? You want me to lie to him until I graduate?

Just as before, Jade is the one to reply, not missing a beat, replying in a flat tone, as if the matter is of no significance.

The contract states nothing about expiring upon graduation. Please do remember it is both magically and legally binding, thus--

The words come out of your mouth the moment he finishes speaking.

I can't do that.

You can't. You know you can't. You're already at your limit, you already feel like you're losing your mind.

It feels like your stomach has twisted into a knot. Those words come crashing down the hardest. You look up and down, up and down, back and forth between them and the paper. Of course, they knew you'd be likely to back out, and ensured you couldn't ahead of time. It's so, so obvious it was entirely planned to go over this way, and you feel so utterly stupid for falling for it, yet you can't help but also wonder--

Why...?

Your tone makes it clear what you're referring to. Jade tilts his head.

Surely you would understand wanting happiness for a close relative, yes?

Their smiles don't waver. It's infuriating, makes you want to reach out and claw at their faces, and frankly, you're almost at the point of losing control to refrain from exactly that.

You *did* choose to sign it. Don't tell me you didn't take the opportunity to read the thing in full? In truth, Azul's voice is possibly eve more infuriating, it's more blatantly smug and jeering. Your body is trembling with emotion as you look him in the eye before he continues. But have no worry... since you seem to be struggling, I can make it easier for you.

Your eyebrows furrow. Panic and dread makes you hostile, easily set off by his words. You narrow your eyes and you're just about to question his meaning, but the door opens behind you, and you all fall silent.

...Mm...? What are you doing here?

You twitch at the familiar voice. You slowly turn your head around.

There's a long quiet that settles over the room. You're pretty sure your facial expression must reveal your panic and dread, because Floyd sort of tilts his head. What's up with you...?

You're still at a loss, unable to form words. His brother, however, finds a quick excuse.

Ah, there you go, miss _____. Seems you won't be needing us to find him.

You stiffen, swallow, sputter your words, but you manage to get out something aligned with that. O-oh, yeah I was -- I had to get something from my room and uh, you weren't in the store by the time I got back and uh... I just...

You suppose that would make sense, if you were looking for him, this probably would be where you'd go.

Floyd seems to accept that without too much question, saying he was looking for you too. He seems a bit irritated, saying that he tried to call you but you didn't pick up, you claim your phone was on silent (it wasn't, but you quickly grab it and pretend to turn the volume up a bit before it can go off again and prove you were lying), and after he drops a stack of papers off on the desk, the two of you quickly make your way back out (rather, he grabs you by the wrist and starts dragging you out of the room). Azul mentions something about him coming in tomorrow for the weekend shift (met with a yeah, yeah, I know), but, as you turn your head back over your shoulder before the door closes behind you, glaring with venom in your gaze, you get two knowing, infuriatingly cocky smiles in return.

You barely register him talking as you're dragged along. I tried goin' back to the library too, you know, I walked around forever looking for you...

Ugh. Can't you let it go already? Or at least, that's what you think, what you want to say, but you clench your jaw and mutter out another half-hearted sorry.

If you chew him out, you'll be violating the agreement... and although you could express irritation just a bit as per the loose contractual terms, you're pretty sure if you even started, you wouldn't be able to stop the floodgates from opening and getting out everything you want to say to him... so it's easier to just try and swallow it and keep quiet. It does look like you'll be stuck with that contract... you try to not think about it. The shock of it all is still fresh in your mind. If you focus on it, you might just break down, and you can't have that right now.

You try and change the subject, even though you're still rather shaken up, but you really don't want to deal with him thinking something is wrong and getting upset over it.

You... you wanna work on that project now? We can go to the library.

He was the one who mentioned wanting to do it tonight, earlier that day. You figure you should reward that sentiment, as he's usually a very last-minute person in regards to classwork. You can stand to be generous and not try and redirect to another day (as suggesting and redirecting is your frequent substitution for outright refusal).

He shrugs.

Nah... don't wanna go that far. We're already here anyway, makes no sense to go all the way across campus. My room's right over that way.

You stiffen. You do not want to do that. You don't like the thought of being alone with him in his own space, especially as it's nearly evening by now. You're still filled with spite (and near disbelief) from your earlier conversation with the other two, and worn out to the point of exhaustion. Besides, you've really abided by the whole thing pretty well thus far, and since it's clear to you now that Jade would greatly prefer the contract stay non-violated, so... you remember how he did say, way back when you first signed the godforsaken thing, that you'd have some leeway, and you've gotten away with a few things thus far. Surely it's not going to break the whole contract if you just try to tell him no outright and entirely, just this once.

You open your mouth.

...

Nothing comes out.

And in that same moment, you reach the end of the hallway. To the left is the Octavinelle dorm rooms, to the right is the common outdoor area and, by extension, the exit.

Okay, it's that one over there. He points to a door down the hall and turns.

Your feet, against your own will, before he can even pull you along, go left.

The sudden bizarre act makes panic burst through your chest, your body feels as if electrified. Your eyes widen, but you can't stop moving forward. You stumble, but carry on all the same.

Your mind races and races and your feet keep moving, you're trying to mask the bewilderment on your face and then it hits you. Those golden contracts...

'I can make it easier for you.'

The words run through your mind, each one like a heavy beat in your chest. It makes sense. Even if it's not using his signature spell, there's no reason he wouldn't be able to bind within the contract other sealing forms of magic, too, removing a specific voluntary capability, and waiting to activate it whenever it was needed.

He took away your ability to be defiant.

It feels as if there's a weight of ice in your chest. Cold and heavy. Dread bubbles up in your gut as the door opens. Floyd grabs you by the wrist to pull you in.

The room is almost comical to look at -- one side pristine and neat, everything in perfect order... the other messy, stuff strewn about everywhere, bed unmade, clothes laying over the back of the desk chair, trash can full and surrounded by papers crumpled into balls, shelves lined with open bags of junk food. You have no trouble guessing which side is which. He off-handedly mentions that Jade is staying with someone else overnight. How convenient.

There's a heavy, awkward silence. You ask about the materials for the initial paperwork you'll have to create as a formulaic model for the project.

Yeah, I got it.

After pulling the covers up, he sits on the bed, lazily fetching the textbook out. You don't protest that (after all, he only has the one desk chair in the tiny dorm room, and the floor looks kinda disgusting), and you slowly sit down on the other side - facing him so you're apart, not sitting side by side, keeping your distance.

To fill the silence, you start to talk about the whole thing. There's a growing nervousness in your chest, a sense of dread. He doesn't seem very focused on the material -- well, he never does, but even less so than usual. You get the sense he has no intention to really work on it at all. He makes some progress, by filling out a couple of tasks you assign as you go, but the planning for the project carries on for maybe only ten minutes before Floyd seems to reach the end of his patience, shuts the textbook, sets it all down on the floor and declares that you're now taking a break.

Before you can even question, he leans forward. His hands grab your sides. He pulls your frozen stiff body over towards him, with a sort of roughness out of impatience. As grabby as he is, you've never been like this before, back pressed to his chest. Both of your legs sprawl out against each other, his extending beyond yours.

More importantly, you can feel a stiffness digging into your tailbone.

A few more moments pass in quiet.

....

...What now? He's not sure. Is there a certain way you're supposed to start? The obvious steps have been taken... meh. No point in worrying about it. Even if there is a different way you're supposed to do this, you won't mind. Probably.

You stiffen. But, even though your mind commands your body to do reach up and grab his hands, your arms won't move. They stay limp at your sides. Your legs won't move to scramble up and away from him. Your mouth can't form the word stop. You stammer out something else you can manage, a quick plea to h-hold on, wait... what are...?

He rests his chin on your shoulder. Eh... It's normal to do stuff like this at this point, you know... 's been months.

He says it in a whiny tone of voice. Like it's a source of frustration. Like you're doing some misdeed by having taken so long already, like it's something he's owed that he's been unnecessarily patient to wait for. You suppose that probably is how he sees it.

That's when his earlier conclusion clicks with you. The pieces sort of align on their own in your mind. That he likes you - yeah, you gathered that at this point. That's become outright obvious. But this entire time - this entire time - he has apparently been under the belief that you have, despite never establishing such, been in an actual relationship.

And you, you might as well be stuck. You open your mouth again, but whatever you were instinctively about to say must have fallen under the realm of being too defiant. You can squirm and sort of try to pull away, so you know there must be a line drawn somewhere on what you can do, but your body won't allow you to push him back, to stand up, to try and fully move away. You can only writhe around just enough as would be normal for this sort of situation in a consensual context.

His movements are awkward. You can tell he has no idea what he's doing. He's just sort of operating on a mentally crafted step-by-step tutorial based on his average knowledge compiled from socialization and movies and exposure to erotic content.

Since that seems to be necessary first... you're almost a bit surprised, caught off-guard by it, but he awkwardly grabs the back of your head, turns your head towards him, cranes his neck forward, presses your mouths together. It's uncomfortable and clueless, your teeth clack against each other's and the angle is a bit off, so your jaws bump against each other too. Not that he really seems to notice, or maybe just doesn't care too much. It only lasts for a few moments before you're roughly thrown down flat on your back. Your arms get entangled and you accidentally elbow him as you try to shift around.

Still, albeit awkward, he's not hesitant or reluctant, not like the type of guy who jolts at every movement you make out of nervousness and constantly asks if it's okay, no, not like that at all. Whatever nervousness he has is still minimal compared to the average guy, he's more apathetic to your discomfort and far more easily overridden by impulse. In fact, the fact that he has no idea what he's doing makes it infinitely worse. He pushes your legs back way too far, to the point of pain, awkwardly angled. Gawks at the space between your legs like it's mesmerizing, using his thumbs to harshly spread you apart, without considering the discomfort it causes you, not relenting when the pulling sensation makes you inhale a sharp breath.

He doesn't take time to be slow, to savor the moment or anything, just pushes in way too quickly, basically grabbing your hips and jerks his own forward in one quick movement. The first few movements in and out are also awkward and oddly angled, but he seems to get adjusted quickly.

More importantly, the moment he does get adjusted, completely out of the blue and without hesitation, he leans down, opens his mouth, and sinks his teeth into your neck.

Given the razor-sharp teeth he has, it immediately punctures the flesh, and you squeal and thrash at the pain. Even as he lets go, there's a strong stinging in each of the tiny wounds, a ring of pain in the perfectly-spaced bite pattern left behind.

Heheh...

You look up at him as he chuckles, your vision blurred by tears, but even so, you can see the amusement on his face... and your blood on his teeth as he smiles.

It's really nice when you make that sound.

He pauses to swipe his tongue across his teeth, and swallows before adding,

Do it again.

He lowers his head and for a moment you panic at the thought of another bite... this time, thankfully, he just laps his tongue at the wounds, but the sting makes you squeal again all the same. Your legs thrash and kick in the air, you try and squeeze them shut, but that just makes them wrap around his torso. Your insides clamp down on the intrusion inside you.

You don't get bitten again, thankfully, but he continues to lap at the bite the whole time. It's a constant mix of pleasure and pain, both to your poor abused neck as well as your insides. You'd be lying if you said you didn't find yourself making some involuntary noises of pleasure, that you didn't wrap your arms around him and claw at his back... but you also squeal and whimper and shudder, tears fall from your eyes. He doesn't slow down, regardless, seemingly too lost in the feeling to really notice.

On the bright side, it doesn't take very long. You suppose that's expected, given his age and apparent experience level. In the end, you find yourself laying there, staring up at the ceiling, replaying the events of the past few hours, the past few weeks, rethinking your entire series of choices that led up to this point... wishing every possible curse and misfortune upon the other two mer that you can think of. You can't get them out of your mind either, and your face feels hot when you think about the fact that, given the absence of Jade in his own room at night, they both probably know exactly what's been transpiring here. It makes you grind your teeth, curl your hands into fists.

But a hand waving in front of your face draws you out of your thoughts. Something is presented in front of you, placed into your hand.

You gotta swallow one of these... don't have money for a kid yet.

Ah. So that's why he went to the school pharmacy. You feel irritation bubble up when you remember you're absolutely certain that...

Don't they sell condoms too?

He nods. Yeah. But everyone says that those don't feel good, so I didn't get any.

You bite your tongue.

Of course, him buying that also confirms he already planned this out well ahead of time. Not that that really strikes you as a surprise. You just feel numb.

In your misery, laying there, you tell yourself one thing, one small comfort to take solace in: at least this is rock bottom. It really can't get any worse from here.

But, well, at this point, you're pretty sure you upset the will of the universe or something, because it seems to want to prove you wrong.

Something about that night seems to sort of jump-start him. Like pouring raw gasoline on a weak flame and watching it flare up.

Your life changes further still, after that night. Before, you at the very least had the solace of solitude at the end of each day, the comfort of being able to return to your own room, your own living space, eat and bathe and sleep by yourself, a sort of retreat from the otherwise omnipresent menace in your life, a brief reprieve to collect yourself and prepare to face the next day with him all over again.

Now, you don't even get that. You thought maybe it would be occasional that he'd want to stay with you, or at least you hoped, but no. Rather than a slow progression, from that first time onward, he sees it as the natural progression of things that you should now immediately begin spending every single night together. You feel a part of you die inside when he asks you at the end of the school day, do you wanna stay in my place again, or yours? I wanna see your place too...

You finally oblige, which turns out to be much to your annoyance. He wanders all around your dorm room, nosily asking about or looking through every little thing. In the end, though, he prefers you stay in his place. All his stuff is there, you know, more convenient (he says this, but somehow it fails to occur to him that the inverse is probably true for you, or maybe he just doesn't care). Still, seeing as you live by yourself and he does not, you end up spending more nights in your room anyway.

He becomes, to an unprecedented degree, jealous of anything you spend your time doing that doesn't involve him. He more or less pressures you into quitting the club you were involved in. It's at a really bad time and all... and it's not even a useful thing anyway, and I don't know any of those people there, they could be bad, you know... If necessary to deter you to quit, he even goes so far as to imply you're not good at it, and therefore should do something else! You know, something that can be done sitting at the side of the gym while he finishes up his club activities, within his range of sight. He usually leaves the basketball club early these days anyway, wandering off after remembering you're over there and consequently getting his mind to racing and leading him to think about far more fun things that he could be doing if he were with you in his room instead.

Then, it's not just your former club members, but anyone you text or call. He hates you getting phone calls. At least with texting, he can ask questions, but on a phone call, what, you're telling him he's supposed to just sit there and stay quiet? Ugh. Even then, he's usually tugging on your arm after the first few minutes, giving you a pouty expression of frustration so you try to hang up faster, and, if it goes on for longer than three or so minutes, he'll just start blatantly taking over you to whine that you're taking too long.

He doesn't like you eating without him, or taking showers without him either. He's seen enough movies and observed enough couples to know that you're supposed to do those together, right? So, on the occasion that he's busy with work, be sure not to do either or those without him. He'll just make you take a second shower with him again anyway, if you take one by yourself.

Thus, your only reprieve now is the classes you don't have with him. From the moment you wake up, all the classes you have with each other, your breaks, your lunch, your afternoons, your dinners, your evenings, your nights, your sleep, every single second besides that time is completely consumed by Floyd. Your grades take a steep decline; they already had begun to slightly, but now, he gets annoyed whenever you study for more than a few minutes, and insists it's not that important, that you're never gonna use the information anyway, so you should just put that book down and come play a game or get in bed with him instead. That's way more fun. At first it's merely a whine, but if you should insist, his expression gets darker, his tone deeper, as he tells you a second time to stop being annoying and come do something with him NOW. Of course, if you oblige, he can snap right back to a good mood, though.

You don't spend time with others either. You lose contact with most of your friends. You off-handedly mentioned trying to hang out with them, that he could come to, but he always manages to say nah, I don't feel like it in such a tone that communicates what he really means: that he doesn't like you having people you're so close to, that he doesn't want you to like them more than you do him, that he doesn't like how happy you seem with them... but hey, you can still hang out every day at the Mostro Lounge. He lets you sit there while he works, you even are allowed to get a drink a day for free (a generous offer considering the owner's stingy tendencies), and you can do your studying there too before going home for the day.

He tries to get you to interact with Jade and Azul a bit, since they're the only people he trusts with you, but for whatever reason, you're very quiet whenever he brings you around them, and more or less refuse to directly speak to the other two. The three of you besides him tend to exchange these odd glances where you look really upset about something, but thankfully they don't seem bothered. Maybe you're really nervous around new people or something. You'll probably get used to it with time.

He takes some offense to you doing things without him. He has to know whatever is on the screen of your phone or laptop, has to know who you're texting, even has to attend as a very awkward third party whenever you get a partnered project in a different class, where he essentially stands there with an intimidating stare like sort of vigilant watchdog (watcheel?) to ensure... whatever it is he's trying to ensure. As if he thinks the other guy is going to try something with you in the middle of the public courtyard in broad daylight.

Which is a ridiculous notion on its own, but especially seeing as, by this point, people have started talking... it's not as if everyone hasn't noticed the way he's attached to you like glue, and a lot of people witnessed that time he dumped the guy out of the chair next to you in class. If his reputation wasn't already enough that people are intimidated by him, the way he supposedly menacingly stares at everyone that comes up to you quickly becomes well-known. You once even overheard a guy mutter something to another about how he hoped he didn't get partnered with you in class, or else, in his words, Leech might strangle me to death. You also notice that, whenever you're allowed to pick partners even for in-class work, people seem to avoid you like the plague, until the last person left reluctantly has to work with you. People even wave and say hi to you less often than ever, as if by doing so they risk some sort of consequence. People regard you only with nervous glances and a wide berth. It only adds to your feeling of isolation.

You don't get to go anywhere alone by choice either. Sometimes you try. I'm going to the store, I'm gonna go to the mail center real quick, I have to go drop this paper off... Regardless of what it is, he never takes a hint, always just gets up and comes with you, often whining about the matter, as if you're forcing him to go, when in reality you'd give anything just to have five minutes of fresh air to yourself before having to come back to the room, where you'd inevitably be tormented and toyed with for hours on end anyway.

In regards to that... even though he doesn't last very long, he has a lot of stamina, so it's not long before you just go at it again anyhow. You quickly learn that he likes to bite, it's not just a one-time thing. You're covered in tiny little dots, all around your neck, jugular, and collarbones. Even if the uniform allowed for it, you don't own enough turtlenecks to deal with covering it... he likes the look of it, though. You were able to plead against it (you've learned creative ways of asking for things, in this case making comments about how people will see), but he doesn't seem to mind. It's fine if people see, he says, as if whether or not he cares is the issue, not your feelings on it. He doesn't see a reason to have a problem with it. People know about you both, right? So if they see you're all bitten up, they'll just know he did it. The apathy in his tone makes it clear you won't be convincing him not to.

Likewise, especially without being able to outright refuse, you can't deter him from other behaviors you'd prefer he not take either, namely trying to sneak around in public. More than once, as the bells ring and you tell him you're about to be late, seeing that the rest of the students have already begun the clear the halls, he'll grab you by the arm. Eh... we can miss it today. Pulls you into a bathroom or an empty classroom or any other quiet place void of students. Some days he's content with just using your hands on each other, but sometimes, he'll turn you around and push you to lean your upper half against the wall, and shoves himself inside you right then and there. In the library, tucked away in the far empty corners, sometimes in exchange for agreeing to actually study, he'll just have you sit on his lap the whole time... sheathed inside you all the while. He seems far less concerned than you about the risk of people walking by as you are. In fact, it becomes very clear he finds your worry about that to be amusing.

He gets off to you squirming, too. It doesn't even need to be in intercourse either. He can (and not infrequently does) just have you sit in his lap, back pressed to his chest, legs pulled apart and arms held behind your back. He likes to pinch and pull and tweak and squeeze at your nipples, your clit. Just for fun. Sometimes when you're not expecting it at all, too, it'll be fairly gentle (to the extent he can be, so more like harsh movements, just no deliberate acts of pain just yet), and you'll be thinking maybe this time you can finally get a day in where you just do things the normal way before you squeal at the sudden sharp pinch of pain that makes your body jolt.

You suppose it's some sort of predator impulse, like a fish struggling in the maw of the moray. The mer likely retain some of that, or such is your reasoning. That's why, whenever you tense up and squeal and shudder and squirm and pull your hips away, his body seems to react as if having pulled some sort of trigger. Latching his arms around you more fully, squeezing your body tight, so so so tight you can't breathe. Each little sound you make makes him move harder and faster, the faint sting of skin slapping against skin growing stronger and the sound of it growing louder as well. It always leaves you sore inside. You always tell yourself to remain still, try not to squirm around, but you really can't help it, your body naturally reacts to the slamming, blunt pain on your insides whenever he moves. That part isn't a matter of intentionally causing pain, he just... doesn't really know how to be gentle. Just shoves himself inside of you and jerks his hips, which is often a stinging friction when it's so sudden, and his cock matches his body -- that is, long -- and thereby pushes so deep inside it hits spots that send sparks of pain down your spine as well. The squirming is really involuntary, then, but when you squirm, it just makes him go harder, and the cycle continues until you're lying there spent and sore, his arms wrapped around your body to hold you firmly in place.

His arms are always locked onto you, both during and after, and often times whenever you're just sitting around the room as well. And especially when you sleep, he latches on tight, a grip like iron as pulls you in and locks your bodies together. You're not sure why he does it so much, but it often inhibits you from moving, and gets annoying fast. You chalk it up to being another mer tendency. His fingers tend to curl too, though, and his nails dig into your arms and stomach and back wherever he's holding you, so you have to wake him up to get it to relent, if but for a short time.

He likes to use his fingers a lot, actually. There's a lot of casual sexual activity with him, where you'll be sitting doing something else, watching a movie, studying, anything... but he feels the need to have you sitting on his lap, with his fingers either playing with your body, buried inside one or more of your holes, or both. He really likes trying to get you to squirt, it's something of a sport for him, like he's always trying to make you do so harder than last time.

Heh... look, it shot out all over the place.

He's shameless about it. And gross, at least in your opinion, because he has this penchant for consuming, too. Whenever he pulls his fingers out, all coated in slick, he has absolutely no hesitation before popping them into his mouth, seems to genuinely savor licking it all off. Sometimes he prefers to just sort of kneel down (of shuffle downwards if you're laying down), and shove his face against your quim instead, sucking at the fluid directly (while it would be an enjoyable sensation with almost anyone else, you can't help but always get a spike of panic in your chest whenever you think about those teeth of his getting so close to such sensitive parts). He makes sure to leave a bite on the inside of your thigh occasionally, too. Even if your body reflexively tries to maneuver to angle yourself away from his mouth (to the extent that you can manage to do, as you can't fully pull away due to your spellbound state), his hands will reach out, latch onto your hips, fingernails like needles against your flesh, and pull you back with an aggressive firmness.

It never lasts, though. In terms of sex, he always has a selfish streak to him, never does anything just for your sake. So even then, after tonguing you for some time, he still always, always, always has to have his cock in you too, by the end of it, often abruptly stopping out of sudden impatience and flipping you over onto your stomach and get inside you... it's easier to grab onto and control your body in that position.

You did get him to wear a condom once too... for all of about eight seconds before he shoved himself inside you, hesitated a moment before pulling back out and tearing it off before shoving back inside you again. No way. Just take the pill thing instead. You remind yourself to try and find some other birth control measures in the near future.

In fact, you once thought that maybe you could go to the school's pharmacy by yourself, in what turned out to be one of your biggest occurrences of regret since meeting him. In the past, before you ever became... that close, before he really started taking over your life, you would sometimes do things on your own, right? You would often skirt the contractual circumstances of not needlessly avoiding him by instead waiting to accomplish things you needed to get done, during times he'd be looking for you... sure, he'd usually be whiny and gripe about how he couldn't find you, but it was bearable. So, one day, as you sit at the lounge in the afternoon, after taking a look around to ensure the coast is clear, you vacate your usual seat, quietly making your way out the door and down to the school pharmacy. You put your phone on silent, out of some combination of spite and wanting to enjoy your brief outing without interruption, even if he gets grouchy about it. With any luck, if you're only gone less than a half hour or so, he might not even notice before you get back. Besides, he was upset when you left that time you went to talk to Jade and Azul, but he wasn't too upset... although it's been a while since then, and he's even more attached now... still.

Walking around by yourself almost feels foreign, it's been so long. But it feels wonderful, such a relief to not have to entertain conversation or worry about not paying enough attention to the thorn in your side. You go in, grab a few things (might as well try all those contraceptive methods they have). The employees are thankfully licenced older adults, not your peers, which would be far more awkward... and hey, might as well hit the primary school store while you're right there at it. You try to be conscious of the time, but still linger... it won't hurt. You won't be gone long. The store sells that one junk food you're really fond of and haven't had in a long time... oh, they have a lot of it in stock, too. You get a few packages, check out, turn to walk out the door and make your way back.

You pause to grab some of the pieces out of the packaging and pop them into your mouth. Your head is downturned when everything in your field of vision gets darker. Shadow from something behind you. You go stiff. You feel a sense of dread as you slowly turn your head. You force a smile, but it twitches.

...O-oh, I was about to head back to you... did you... need something...?

He doesn't look mad. But that's what makes it more terrifying. If he's irked, it'll show on his face, he'll get that whiny voice and complain and pout. But his face is blank, wide-eyed, staring intently at you, quiet.

I tried calling you.

You don't like the tone of his voice, either. Cold and ominous. Not fumingly angry or irritated, but that much more dreadful due to the lack of intense emotion.

Oh, uh, sorry about--

You didn't say anything.

Well, I-I, I was just going to the--

I looked around for you everywhere.

Your heart starts to beat faster. You've never seen him quite like this, not towards you. You take a step back. I'm sorry, really. Let's... let's go back now, okay?

...No, I already told 'em I was leaving... I'm done for the day.

He grabs your wrist and pulls with harsh force, dragging you across the campus grounds. You stumble, you nearly drop your things. His grip is so tight it's painful. Even some other people turn their heads to stare, it must be that noticeable. You don't like how quiet he is, saying nothing the entire time. Through the courtyard, as you enter the dorm grounds, into the halls, all the way back to the room, he doesn't say a word. Drags you through the door, locks it behind him, pulls you over to the bed and slings you by the arm with such force it knocks the breath out of you as you hit the bed. You don't get to fully sit upright before the mattress shifts again, and he comes to sit behind you, roughly pulling you to sit on the bed with your back to his chest, which is, as you've come to learn, his preferred position when doing most things.

And as usual, he wraps his arms around your body. Without a word.

Tightly.

His forearms cross over your chest, fully wrapping around your frame. The hold gets tighter.

And tighter. And tighter. You sit quietly for a few minutes, stiff with dread and unease at his unsettling lack of words or any outward display of emotion. You're unsure if you should say anything. Maybe he's waiting for you to say something? But even though you're uneasy, you wouldn't know what to tell him, and you're certainly not about to apologize for doing something so normal, something you should be allowed to do without needing him to even be told.

But his grip gets tighter. It starts to hurt. It's compressing your ribs.

You start to panic. Hey, can you not grip so hard? It's... kinda hard to breathe...

He doesn't say anything. A few moments pass.

It gets tighter.

F-Floyd, you're -- you're hurting me--

Tighter, tighter. You can barely breathe. You start to thrash.

Floyd, I -- s-stop--

You feel trembling. It takes you a few moments to realize it's not from your body, but his. Holding you so tight, with such strain to his muscles, it makes him shiver.

He finally speaks. Uses that little nickname you hate so much. His voice is hoarse and quiet, almost a whisper, and hollow, without emotion. As if speaking of something of no consequence.

...I was really worried, you know. Thought maybe you were tired of me... and decided to go to someone else instead.

You shake your head. You sputter out something about how that's wrong, that you wouldn't do that. You don't even really process the words you say, just desperately try to placate.

His grip doesn't relent just yet.

...Hey, you like me, right? And not anyone else?

You nod frantically. Your chest convulses as you try and fail to breathe. You're beginning to feel tingly all over, your head feels light.

So... you're not gonna do that again, right?

You frantically nod, but the motion comes out slower than you intend, as you struggle to move.

...Mm... okay.

You gasp in what might be the biggest gulp of air you've taken in your life as the grip goes lax. You start to hack and cough. He hands you a bottle of water. How considerate.

And then, it's as if nothing happened. He's smiling, says something about how you look really funny, swaying and dizzy like that. Upbeat and pleasant again. But he's really tired from worrying so much, so, he drags you down to lay on your side and declares you'll both nap for a while. He falls asleep quickly, but you're in too much pain from your throbbing stomach and ribcage to sleep... and you're very uneasy having his arm wrapped around you again. You don't sleep much that night at all.

You make good on your word, though, and don't have a repeat incident. From his point of view, even in general, you're really easy to get along with, and he's glad you're super agreeable. Who knew having a girlfriend was so easy? It's very nice. You never reject anything he says, at least not more than once, you always agree after he insists on something. If he suggests you go somewhere, you always say sure. And if he says he's bored and wants to do this or that, you always drop whatever you're doing and follow along. And if he tells you to not talk to someone, to cancel some other plans, to skip class and stay in bed, you never even argue, you just say alright. Sometimes your eyes widen, sometimes your face twitches or your hand will fly up to cover your mouth, sometimes you even answer through gritted teeth and a strained voice, as if trying to not say anything... and you get this weird expression on your face for a moment... but you're still always agreeing, so, he just decides to think nothing of that.

You used to not be quite as agreeable, but these days, you never argue, you always do whatever he wants. It's like a dream come true.

And he's really, genuinely happy. Even other people comment on it, say he's matured a lot and stuff like that, because he's not as moody as he used to be... well, not to them, at least not as often. He's a bit more laid back on some things... although if it involves you, he can still return to his habits, but people have sort of learned that, and consequently learned to avoid upsetting him in regards to you. If you yourself upset him, he can still flip like a light switch, but you don't seem to mind that. Sure, there's been a couple times you've tried to bring it up, but the moment he says anything in return to argue against it, your mouth twitches, you suddenly agree with him and stop saying mean stuff. Maybe you just want attention and pretend to be upset or something. Regardless, he doesn't really care too much... his life is in a state of bliss, and that's enough for him.

Other people are quite happy you've "helped him calm down" too. People seem pretty happy for the two of you in general, say it's an odd fit, but it's cute, and stuff like that.

...And sometimes, whenever you're sitting in class, sitting in the Mostro Lounge, in the library, walking across campus, anywhere... you'll see a familiar face from across the room, near identical to the face you spend nearly every waking second of your life around. He doesn't even bother to pretend to not be looking, doesn't look away when you make eye contact, but instead always continues to observe, and flashes you a knowing, sinister smile. Just checking up on you every now and then and all... and to serve as a reminder to behave according to your agreement.

You do you best to give the most loathsome look of disgust you can muster in return. It's really all you can do.

[tetsunabouquet]

Pertinent to the request I sent earlier; Could you write a scenario where Akashi tells his S/O about his DID and how it came about? And maybe also about the associated negative feelings? I'm sorry that's a bit too specific. xd I'd really like some Akashi angst right now. :'D

It was a calm day and his father had allowed him a free day; that he was using to be with you. He was laying in the garden, his head on your lap as you read his favorite novel out loud to him. He relaxed at hearing your voice. It had became a favorite pasttime of his, to lay back and enjoy you reading to him. He tried to relax, but something was nagging at the back of his mind. His other self. The Emperor inside of him, had a tendency to get restless when he was relaxing. Because the Emperor inside of him hated his free days. It was the antithesis to his existence, to have peace and to have no pressure to do anything. He could relax, most of the time, but sometimes, an irritated grumble from his other self would bubble through his mind and he'd tense up for a moment. Something you noticed. "What's wrong Sei?" You asked softly, closing the book and laid it at the other side of your lap. Knowing better then to lie to you, Akashi sighed. "I don't really know the best way to start." "Take a deep breath, I'll wait for however it takes for you to formulate that answer." You instructed playfully. This, was one of the things he loved best about you. How you could support him and bring a smile to his face with the most beautifully soft expression on your face that showed just how much you loved him. "You remember, my other personality, right?" He asked cautiously. You nodded, stroking his hair. "Is he bothering you?" "Not really, it's just that I feel there's this restless piece in the back of my mind that I'm sure is him. He cannot stand it when I relax." Akashi explained, glad he could talk about it with you. His father was a way different story, but you always listened and would confide any stories of your own regarding the subject in an attempt to make him feel less alone. And you were listening, biting your lip. "I suppose this is the part where I say, why do you think that is?" He took another deep breath, it felt like he had to gather all the energy in his body to answer your question, "It's because of how he was born." "You mean, the reason why you got sick?" You asked, wanting to be absolutely clear. You didn't wanted to be confused by a topic this important. Akashi's feelings mattered deeply to you, and so did his health; in every form. Akashi closed his eyes, not being able to bear the world as he dared to open up for the first time, "It was just after my mother died, you know? My father put me under so much pressure and it was as if I could feel my mind beginning to crack, and split. The Captain duties at Teiko took so much of me too, that when I nearly lost to Murasakibara, he emerged. My mind has created him to protect me against failure, and to always succeed. But he's an Emperor, who always feels like he has to do something. Relaxing like this is something he'd seldomly allow himself to participate in. He cannot handle us just laying about like this." He confessed everything, and it truly felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. "But Sei, that makes total sense. You were pushed to your absolute limit with no remorse, anyone's mind would shatter! Especially someone as vulnerable as a kid. I'm so sorry your dad's such a dick." You said, sincerely angry on his behalf. Akashi let out a small chuckle, feeling grateful he had a wonderful girlfriend who was as understanding as you. "But can I please tell Emperor-tan to let us enjoy our time? If he continues to bother me on our dates, he should better come out right now. I still need to kick his ass for threatening Nana-Chan anyway." You challenged and he grinned weakly in response. "Well, you should know he's not scared of you." "I don't care! He should better bring his A game, because I won't surrender easily! I will not stop until he cowers at my feet and leaves us be." You declared and he laughed softly. Going through grief, trauma and mental illness was a difficult journey and for sure a rollercoaster of emotions but with you that rollercoaster always ended at a positive note. He would thank you for being his rock, until his dying day.

[ninelivesastrology]

tw: sexuality, rape, grey asexuality, shaming, adultification, misogynoir, purity culture

I have some thoughts about sexuality and sexual liberation as Saturn in its return is aspecting my Venus. I stopped caring to label it some time ago. My whole life I've been shamed over bodily functions and a great deal of this has to do with sex, but I won't lie, 25 years later, I have problems with going to the bathroom. So in regards to my child's bodily functions, I am not going to shame.

But back to that, I loosely identify as grey asexual which is just me falling on a spectrum. Again, I don't really dickride labels, but demisexual is probably it.

To allow myself sexual fluidity is radical in itself since sexuality was strictly off limits for me. I'm talking abstinence only, withholding essential information about my body and dating (which led to my abusive relationships), whole nine.

I think it turns me off from the ace community when I see blatant shaming of grey asexual people and allosexuals. It's why I don't really associate with any queer community because I'm just the person people love to project onto. It's like they don't realize that attraction is something you can't control and then they look down on you for... bodily urges as if my own sexual attraction doesn't irritate me. It's like some asexuals sound like Evangelical Christians.

To make it clearer, I've had people with substance addiction issues use my body as a playground and that's not even the full extent of my sexual trauma. Can't describe what it's like to deal with being assaulted to flat out being ignored to the point someone won't even hug you and what it does to your self-esteem. I deserve normal sexual experiences. If someone wants to give that to me, if that's what my healing looks like, that's not worth shaming me over. Shame is usually a response to being triggered.

Yeah, do I get repulsed? Absolutely, that's part of the reason why I was regularly assaulted. Don't you know a rapist loves an unwilling victim? The more unwilling, the better. Even going through periods of repulsion is dysregulating because my body anticipates rape. I'm a frankly miserable person when I'm repulsed because I can't express myself. It's so nice to know I can't listen to music or talk about my feelings without feeling judged sneakily in response.

As an adult, I've been shamed for any type of seeking any type of freedom and it hits different when you're a Black girl because iykyk, the purity culture and adultification from the time you can crawl is violent... from everyone. Add romance and queerness into the equation and everyone is out for blood.

I spent a lot of time deciding what makes me feel like me and being shamed doesn't make me feel me. Shaming myself doesn't make me feel like me. Expressing my sexuality which goes hand in hand with my creativity (Venus-Saturn) is healing to me. It hits different after being diagnosed with a chronic illness, too. Nobody knows how I feel, thinking about the time lost to being with the wrong people. Fuck you. I deserve.

Since my ex fiance left, I've started dancing again. I can feel my body loosening up. Somehow I managed to shame myself into staying still and it has to be some childhood trauma. How awful it is to feel as if you can't be yourself around someone. To feel as if you can't breathe. I just want to breathe.

[askklisba]

Hello friends! So glad you found me! XD, it makes me so happy!😸

（I used a translator throughout this article🙏）

Regarding how to call me, you can call me whatever you want!

Gender pronouns: Anything is fine, just follow your ideas!

Understand and respect each other, although there is no truly accurate understanding and respect in this world... Just do your best, don't be too strict on yourself!

In short, I am an amateur painting enthusiast, not a professional in art, and my painting skills are not very good, but I like to try various media to paint!

I usually create my OC and some fan works of my favorite works or games! !

I'm not very good at expressing myself, and I often use swear words and colloquialisms, incomprehensible jokes, and topics like tobacco and alcohol. I'm sorry. If you feel uncomfortable, you can block me!

I have some mental problems, this will sometimes cause my words to be illogical, and my poor English may cause misunderstandings... But I will try my best to adjust the sentences translated by the translator and the expressions of my native language（简体中文/繁體中文）!

I am a person who talks a lot of nonsense! But it is easy to make typos when excited...

! OK, please pay attention!

I never self-harm, like cutting myself with a knife! I also don’t feel like I need preferential treatment just because I have a mental problem and I’m receiving formal treatment.

! ! I have never had a drug addiction or a history of taking drugs, I only smoke legal cigarettes and drink legal liquor! !I am an adult, and I strongly discourage letting others smoke and drink excessively (especially children who are underage, don’t do this!)

Anyway, normal communication is ok! ❤️

Don't worry, I have a good temper! But it's best not to mess with me, really.

There may be some here (note that it may appear, not necessarily, but please pay attention to those who feel uncomfortable, please)

❗️❗️↓↓↓❗️❗️

NSFW (there may be, generally I will not post it or draw it. Come out)/For the character’s gender change/Cute girl painting style/frightening and unsettling(such as monsters, uncanny valley effect, spiritual curiosity, many dense holes, etc.)

There’s bound to be: lots of plasma! /Character is seriously injured/Character is animalized (not Furry!)/Character is anthropomorphized/My thoughts and daily complaints/About the portrayal of tobacco and alcohol in works and realistic speech/Bad sentences translated by the translator

Although I have a strong acceptance of sexual fetishes, I do have my limits......😑

Please note that these make me feel uncomfortable

Molestation/rape of young children

Bring crimes from the virtual world to reality and implement them. (Really heartless)

Plagiarism and controversial works

! ! ! quarrel! ! ! I don't like to quarrel!

Badly behaved cliques (please remind me if there are any!)

ky (this abbreviation originates from Japanese)

Dislike very much:

1. Some people who send me photos of self-harm. I respect you guys but I have ptsd about it and I've met some terrible people and they've affected me to this day... I don't like flashbacks. Please also don’t follow me or harass me, thank you.🙏🙏🙏

2. Constantly asking me to do something or paint something/coercing or even threatening me to do something I don’t want to do!

3. You can dislike me and my works, you can block me, or you can point out my shortcomings or mistakes and tell me, but please don't be sarcastic or make personal attacks on me! This makes no sense at all!

4. Political related (I am looking for works I like in the virtual world rather than engaging in keyboard battles. I know what is happening in this world, which is difficult to evaluate. I hope you can understand, and hope everything is fine...😔🙏)

5. Racists (Get out of my sight immediately! At least you are not welcome here!)

6. I cannot take care of everyone's personal feelings, nor can I meet everyone's requirements and expectations. I am just an ordinary human being.

7. Maliciously attack and ridicule those who are suffering pain and suffering

! If you feel uncomfortable after reading this nonsense, please block me immediately, thank you!

Alright! In short, whatever I look like in your eyes, that's what I look like. I cannot become what others like for various reasons... You can like or hate me (including my works). It's all ok, I don't mind blocking me when you really hate me! It doesn’t matter, it’s human nature!

Anyway, it's nice to meet you!🌹🥺🌹❤️‍🔥

Other words may be added slowly in the future!

[mbti-notes]

I'm an INTJ having a crush on an INFJ. Do you have any tips how to use my dominant Ni sharing on how to know her more/ at least be friends w her? She has a reputation amongst ppl that It's hard to know how she feels truly & what she says/ expresses doesn't necessarily express how she actually feels. Tbh, we've been "friends" for many years, but I don't even know If she actually sees me as her friend bc I heard that she struggles at trusting ppl. Thank you.

When you want to get to know someone, a tried-and-true method is to look for commonalities to bond over. It is especially important to FJs(Fe) to feel as though the both of you are on the same page emotionally and in agreement regarding important (moral) beliefs and values.

One good thing about FJs to keep in mind is they tend to be very forgiving as long as you can provide them a genuine, authentic, and humble explanation of yourself. If you help them see the situation accurately from your point of view, they'll be more willing to overlook any faults and flaws. This means you always have to be transparent and expressive enough to let them know what's really going on with you. If you leave them to guess too much, they're likely to jump to unfavorable conclusions in the absence of facts. There is a limit as to whether they can accept repeated mistakes though, because they tend to view those as lack of care and effort. I mention this point because INTJs tend to falter in relationships due to being too inexpressive or uncommunicative.

The best way to discover commonalities is through communication, so create opportunities to have substantive talks. INFJs will generally see you as a friend once they enjoy talking to you and look forward to talking to you, otherwise, you are just a person who exists like everyone else. As you probably know, Ni doms don't tend to enjoy small talk, so it's best to get to the main point and dig in to the meat of things as soon as is socially acceptable. INFJs are usually looking for meaningful conversation about topics of existential/societal/future importance. They usually like to hear new ideas that spark their creativity or broaden their perspective. They usually want someone to take an interest in what they are thinking, what they believe, and what they value... but on their terms, i.e., in ways that are respectful of personal boundaries. It might help to keep conversations abstract (non-personal) at the start because it gives you a chance to gauge their interest level and it gives them a way to gradually ease into deeper territory.

INFJs with trust issues might not be very forthcoming, so don't push them too hard when they block your advances, or else they might clam up completely. It's very important to be nonjudgmental and empathetic in order to create a safe space for them to express themselves authentically (since they fear rejection and betrayal). Be clear about your purpose/intention or else they might start to get suspicious of you. If you ever get the feeling that they are using a fake persona around you, it means they don't trust you and you have to do more to reassure them that your intentions are pure and you are a safe person to interact with. If at any point they feel as though you just can't understand them or you have been dismissive/judgmental of them, they'll start to believe talking to you isn't worthwhile and your chances of success will quickly drop to nil.

No matter the type, trust issues are a big relationship barrier. It is best to approach guarded people slowly, sensitively, patiently, and confidently. E.g.: You have to be the one to take the lead and initiate contact because they are too afraid to. You have to be the one to open up and ask more questions to keep conversations going because they are too self-involved to participate fully. You have to be the accommodating and understanding one because they cannot open up to you otherwise. You have to be the one to apologize first for relationship missteps because their social skills are too poor to handle conflict reasonably.

It doesn't sound very fun, does it? But it can be a very worthwhile and fulfilling process to help someone open up to love. That said, don't always put yourself in an unequal position of giving much more than you're getting in return. Give people plenty of chances to open up, but they have to eventually meet you halfway. When there's no willingness to meet you halfway, you might have to admit defeat and treat it as a lost cause. Remember, relationships can get very messy very quickly, so it's best to accept the fact and try to go with the flow. Venture out there, see what happens, and learn as you go. As long as you always try to act with integrity, you'll have nothing to regret.