#I dunno if I'm talking to myself here but it's just fascinating to me

[sprinklenoodles]

Basically though, I binge-read ALL of A Legacy will Be Crowned Like, ALLLLL that was there so far and my gosh am I hating myself for not reading it sooner! I was a fool! A looooser!!! No joke, I was just hooked, enthralled. Also, since I am far too excited to put my thoughts into a coherent structure, some other disjointed thoughts are the following: 1. Kijo Togami. Even without the fic note at the end of his introduction chapter mentioning how he was fun to write for you, I could just sense it OOZING all over his dialogue and actions. Really like this interpretation of his character. He sucks yet he fascinates me. Makes me wish I had a consistent design for him so I can just draw him. 2. Byakuya is really fun to follower here. Even with knowing the end result of the competition, the fun lies in his decisions, how he solves problems and the said problems he faces. Also, it helps that, due to his age, one is already bound to route for him as the underdog of the family, even with the trajectory of how he preforms in the competition being clear to the reader. Like, even though we KNOW he's not going to fail due to the nature of the canon as this is a prequal, one can still worry about him and his wellbeing. I like that a lot! You fond a good balance with that since a pitfall that can occur is that the reader isn't invested with the main character because they already know what will become of them. Also, one other thing I wanna add is that I like how he's not written in a belittling way or as an over-competent super genius. He's still a kid but it's also apparent he has exceptional qualities that make him different from the others but not annoyingly different 3. The siblings. Though there isn't too much to say, I like just their being. There isn't much info on all of them but it fits since we're following Byakuya. We get small details though. Do wish I knew what they'd look like cus I am just at a loss still. Also, I liked Byakuya's dynamic with a "certain character" I don't wanna spoil btw for those who are just seeing this, so I will just say "that one prick" and those who know will know B] 4. I know I already mentioned Kijo but I just LOVE the staging of those intermission chapters where he's talking with Aloysius all sinister with a glass of wine. Like, he's giving diabolical energy with just a hint of camp that makes him so fun to read. And, I just adore his remarks to Aloysius, very cold, uncaring. How he clearly tears the butler down with his sharp words and the showcase of Aloysius's character with how he handles this. Cus, he's been around as Kijo's main butler for ages and it shows! Also, I swear. If I didn't have art block at the time I'm writing this, and could draw some backgrounds, I'd SO draw a detailed, colored piece of Kijo sitting in his fancy chair, turned away from Aloysius as he monologues, eyes intent on the screens watching the contestants. Like MMM I LOVE IT!!! It's so moody and I can just feel the atmosphere oozing off the page!! AAAAH!! Also, mentioning it now, while reading, to set the mood, I listened to some Pokemon music. And, since why not, here's what I listened to Here is Number 1 - listened at the beginning before it got epic. basically the first chapter only AND here is Number 2 - was a general listen. something eery but not horror like AND, my favorite Number 3 - THIS GAVE ME THE SHIVERS WHEN I READ CHAPTER 9 MY GOOOOOSH! WHY DOES THIS FIT SO WELL FOR KIJO?! Or at least, I fits for me at least! I could be wrong though! You can decide for yourself if it does!! Dunno if it's just be but my gosh and I just aaah! I can't even word it right cus I'm too busy being so hyped for this! Got the metaphorical chills!! Will totally draw art of this like, sometime. Might take me ages and I totally have to get better at backgrounds in order to draw these set pieces but like, yes!!!!!!

AHHHH. Got so excited while reading this!!! Thank you SO much.

But lemme go into what u said.

1. Kijo- he really does just suck. Guy couldn't care less about his children unless they're his heir. But also, he's entertaining. The stupid dude is just like that.

2. Byakuya- He really is the underdog, though he refuses to believe that. The thing is, he does think he is better than his siblings- he is destined to become heir- yet he can't exactly show it to them. He knows that they're physically stronger- he's a scrawny 11 year old.

But since he isn't heir just yet, he is not that overconfident. He knows that he needs to work hard to become heir. Plus, his siblings aren't idiots (for the most part) They're Togami's, and just cuz he is gonna be the heir, doesn't mean that they couldn't prose a problem, like a certain somebody.

3. The siblings- Yeah, there isn't much known about them since Byakuya simply... doesn't care. He sees them as his competitors, nothing more. Unless they become a thorn in his path to become hei, he just doesn't think about them unless the situation calls for it.

Like I said, he doesn't (fully) underestimate them but that doesn't mean he ever focuses on them. Their looks aren't really described since Byakuya couldn't care less about that for the most part.

I do have small descriptions for all of them tho if you're interested! Have a little page in a document with just a wee bit of info about each sibling. That also includes which THH character they represent.

4. The intermissions were also some of my fav things to write. Just seeing Kijo's thoughts on everything and how his... behaviour towards Byakuya changes a wee bit with every chapter is just very fun to write. And Aloysius goes perfectly with this since there is just such a big power gap between them which leads to Kijo being much more open.

And Kijo does trust Aloysius- in his eyes, he's the best servant possible. Doesn't change the fact he just sees Aloysius as a servant though... Poor dude.

But glad you liked it so much!!! For some reason, people really like it, despite it being such a small fic in my eyes. Can't wait to see what amazing art you come with once your artblock is gone! Be sure to take your time :D

[coffee-master]

[Here are the thoughts more developed]:

1. The young Duck Avenger time travels to the present and 'meets' the Duck Family:

Donald duck is a retired superhero, who tries to enjoy his simple life with family, until one day his younger self as duck avenger appeares at McDuck's residence. Donald tries to maintain his secret while simultaneously shielding his younger self from learning any information about the future. His entire family is fascinated by the fact that Donald Duck was friends with Duck Avenger, and they are curious about everything. His nephews are amazed, Scrooge is a little angry and confused with Mrs Beakley..(and in the meantime also Fenton is fangirling because he can meet his childhood idol). Donald tries to conceal who Huey, Dewey, and Louie are to his younger self, ensuring that his younger version doesn't suspect anything. Meanwhile, the family also asks him challenging questions, such as why Duck Avenger left and what happened, putting him in a difficult position. Additionally, Donald, seeing his younger self, is overwhelmed by memories and sadness because he knows what awaits that boy in the future, and he can't do anything about it.

2. Donald lost his right hand during his mission as a duck avenger in the past:

Even after the conflict in his family Donald still was working as a superhero, while parenting three eggs. The situation with the aliens was simply too dangerous and posed a threat to the entire planet, so he couldn't resign from it. Only when the invasion occurred (also marking his last mission as Duck Avenger), Donald was seriously injured and lost his right arm during the battle.Since that moment, when he nearly carved himself to death, the duck gave up being a superhero and focused on parenting. Later, he asked Lyla and Uno for help. Uno crafted him an artificial hand based on Lyla's design that looks very realistic and Lyla arranged fake medical documents stating he lost his hand in a car accident. While raising his nephews, Donald's children simply knew that their uncle had one hand. Donald never told them why, and all they knew was to keep it a secret. It was pretty normal for them. So when they finally move in to the uncle Scrooge mansion.. The kids just assumed that uncle Donald must have lost his hand on one of adventures with uncle Scrooge. WAY later, when the topic somehow came up, the boys wanted to ask Scrooge about how he uncle lost his hand, and the billionaire is completely surprised because what artificial hand are they talking about? What do they mean by saying Donald doesn't have a hand?!?!

--------

So.. I have those two ideas in my mind and I'm not sure which I should write first. It will take me a while becuase I write very slow-

And it's nice to see what's your opinion about it.

Yes, I know that those ideas are weird, but I can't help myself. And I know there are also VERY long-!

[oonajaeadira]

State of the WIP Address

Okay, y'all, I've been in a really weird place where I've been avoiding...pretty much a lot of stuff. Dunno if I have to talk to my doctor about upping my meds or what, but this is why I actually went on them--my depression manifests not in laziness, but avoiding things I need to do and things I actually WANT to do. Then I don't do them and it all starts building up. And then the to do pile feels insurmountable, like I'll never get to finish all these wonderful things. So I just...freeze up and roll over. Like a fainting goat. You'd think I'd be like "yay! lookit all the things to look forward to! I have years ahead of me full of things I really want to do! I should never be bored again!" But no. Can't do them Right Now? Fainting goat. It's weirdo. We've all got our weirdo and this is mine.

I only mention it here because I do State of the WIP Address to be accountable. Now, the weird thing is, I don't actually expect anyone to read these posts--they're boring and personal and totally for my own motivation. I just know myself and know if I put something out there, I'll feel bad if I don't do it and that should motivate me to actually do it.

But here's the thing....it doesn't work anymore. I'm no longer fulling for my own snake oil. The placebo has run out. If I know it's inconsequential, then my brain tricks me into thinking that I'm accountable to no one. And, in reality, it's true that I'm actually accountable to no one so the trick doesn't work.

Anyway. Welcome to Adira's brain where she finds her own thought patterns a fascinating psychological study and the lab results are inconclusive.

So I'mma try to twist the experiment a bit. Rather than list the things I know I can't get to right this second and feel bad about it, we're gonna let promises go and do it this way. It's not interesting to anyone but me and anyone who nerds out on process. But rather than listing the things I'm not working on, I'll talk about the ones I am, how it's going, what's in my craw about it, and maybe in my ramblings I'll clear the gears to start rolling again.

This isn't interesting to anyone but me unless you really wanna see how seriously I take my fic writing. Cringe if you want. I'm just being honest with myself. My fic isn't high art, but as with anything I create, I can't half-ass it either. It's "be satisfied with it on my terms" or bust.

STATE OF THE WIPS

I have one million projects happening, but these are the pieces I'm actively thinking about and working on at the moment.

SECRET SANTA Where it's at: I'm writing for someone I think is a wonderful person and want to do right by them, so the pressure's on. But at the same time, it's not. Because I know how accepting and lovely the person is and they gave me a lot of prompts and options and like a lot of the things I do and seem to like a lot of the types of things I like to write. I also know that this doesn't have to be over-complicated, that I can write my heart and it will please both of us. While I haven't actually opened up a doc to start, I know that it's the type of thing that if I have a little uninterrupted block of time, I can just sit down and it will flow. I won't say much about it here, but I will say that while it can 100% be read as standalone, it hits on a character/series I'm currently writing and acts as a kind of prequel, a reason for loving the reader as he does. It's something that is kind of missing in the planned series and I think this would be a nice opportunity to explore it before moving forward (and maybe helping propel that series a little) while also touching on one of the characters my giftee likes, a genre they are interested in that I hadn't considered with this character, and it will have a tone I think they'll appreciate. So while it's for them and being written with their likes in mind, I thank them, because it's also a little gift for me and my yearnings. What's stopping me: Time constraints and general anxiety.

TROPE FIC: MODERN DOM!PERO Where it's at: This one got a little sloppy and I'm working on it. I've been following @max--phillips' entries about what defines certain types of kinks and while my thoughts on dom!Pero started as true dom, they swung wrong when I started working on this, and now I'm just thinking myself back to the definition of dominant. And while I may still be missing the mark, it's helping me to think more about how I want to explore and frame this dynamic. It's also giving me a little trouble in that it's not coming out chronologically which causes me to waste time jumping around and retrofitting things. What's stopping me: I put this one on hold to start prioritizing the Secret Santa piece.

TROPE FIC: SEX POLLEN!OBERYN Where it's at: This piece is flowing chronologically. It's going to be longer than I anticipated and the first draft is about 1/3 done. I already know that after the first draft I'll have to do some shaping and I think maybe I got overwhelmed with the task I set for myself and that triggered my avoidance. I know where it's going, I'm excited for it, it will flow easily if I let it, I just have to do it! What's stopping me: I put this one on hold because I got distracted by tasty Pero thoughts. I blame @perotovar for the thots, but not the stopping. That's all on me.

TROPE FIC: ALPHA!JAVI Where it's at: I'm about 1/2 done with the first draft. Again, this one will be longer (and also more angsty) than I anticipated. I love love love where it's going though and reader and Javi's history is beautiful and sad and complex; I really love that half. I'm just now switching into the modern day section of it and have to make a few decisions about how I actually want it to go. My mind is over-complicating the story and I'm trying to wrestle it down a softer path. What's stopping me: I got distracted by the Oberyn story which is why this one's on hold and now this is all Inceptioning on itself.

GOOD. THINGS. TAKE. TIME. Where it's at: The asks are all sorted, there are only a few more sessions left before chapter 4. I just have to write it. What's stopping me: Here's the thing about PATS. If I was out for notes, I'd be pounding on this series, because it's my most popular one. But... really, I'm just here to dream up stories I like to tell. I put PATS down not consciously and not because I don't love him, but I got excited by other ideas. I want to finish it because I don't like having a bunch of unfinished projects lying around, but I also don't want that to be my #1 motivator for writing him. I want to enjoy it. I did enjoy putting the latest installment out, but I also don't feel like I'm letting anyone down if I don't hurry it, just because engagement is low. Again, I'm not here for the notes, I truly love the connection and the squeeing and sharing a yearn. We're all so busy now that it's tough to get to everything and the mutual timing is a bit off. That's okay. It's planned out, it'll get done, I just have to do it when I'm feeling it.

LEAVE OFF YOUR WANDERING: WINTER Where it's at: Finished plan. Yet to begin writing. What's stopping me: I was wrestling with this one for a bit because I had two directions it could go--soft and fluffy without much meat, or weaving all the details together and serving a story that gets rather dark, a little sad, and serves as a fix it. On one hand, I felt like I would be betraying readers by not keeping the euphoric escape. But I would also feel like I built this whole backstory that needed to manifest itself in a test for Joel and Meadowlark, as well as the fact that--other than backstories--there hasn't been any canon hardship or violence displayed. It's like I'm missing a huge chunk of who Joel and Meadowlark are. In the end, that's where the story wants to go, so I'm going there. And I have to not think about what anyone else wants, just me. Not just for selfish reasons, but I know that's when I do my best. It doesn't mean there won't still be fluff and a happy ending. It just means I have to write darkness and perhaps it will serve me better to do it in the season in which it takes place.

[checkoutmybookshelf]

Re-reading The Fellowship of the Ring for the First Time in Fifteen Years

Hi, Hello, Welcome! The conceit of these posts is pretty self-explanatory. I read the Lord of the Rings for the first time at age 17, in the middle of my parent's divorce (it was messy, we're not going into any details). Needless to say, I remember pretty much nothing about that read, and I would like to give the books a fair shake of a re-read. That's what this is, and there will be spoilers throughout!

I usually do full-book reviews, but if ever I was going to do a chapter-by-chapter re-read, it would be for LotR. The rules are that I'm going in as blind as I possibly can (I have watched the movies and have absorbed like...a reasonable amount of lore from existing on the internet as a millennial) and I'm not doing any research beyond like, defining words for myself as I read. So here we go, and I hope you enjoy rereading with me! Let's talk "The Shadow of the Past."

Good LORD JRR Tolkien can lore dump when he wants to. This chapter was mainly lore dump, which is fine because it was at least interesting lore dump. I'm not a lore girly though, I'm a character girly, so let's go with "we got the One Ring's backstory, now let me talk about other characters because the Ring isn't one just yet."

This is going to sound initially harsh, but it is said with affection: Gandalf is 1000% the pedantic asshole professor who is way too into the Socratic method who you absolutely detest in undergrad but somehow his classes still end up sticking with you more than any other. You then get to understand this prof better as a master's student, and deeply love this prof as a PhD. That's literally the vibe I'm getting from his lecture to Frodo about finding some goddamn pity and compassion for the tragedy that is Smeagol and Gollum. Because it is VERY easy to judge and be critical in the abstract, which Frodo very much is, having never encountered Gollum, and Gandalf has spent time and effort tracking down Gollum with way more background knowledge with which to contextualize the layers of tragedy that Gollum personifies and affects. It's a big ask, to get people to abstract compassion (and do not come in here and argue with me about this, I live in 20-goddam-24, I know what I'm talking about), but Gandalf kind of doesn't let it go with Frodo until Frodo at least softens his position and is open to, if not at, compassion. I've been a student and I've been a teacher, and these conversations are hard from both directions, so kudos to Gandalf for sticking with it, and to Frodo for getting to a place where he was truly listening.

Especially after Gandalf just CASUALLY DROPS that Gollum literally ATE BABIES. I'm not even kidding, he just casually, in the midst of an infodump on Gollum's time tracking Bilbo after losing the Ring, says,

The woodsmen said that there was some new terror abroad, a ghost that drank blood. It climbed trees to find nests, it crept into holes to find young, it slipped through windows to find cradles.

AND THEN WE JUST CASUALLY MOVE ON LIKE BABY EATING ISN'T SOMETHING WE NEED TO ADDRESS HERE. I would like to address the baby eating, Gandalf!!!

Despite not addressing the baby eating though, there was some interesting new information in the Gollum infodump that I understand why it got cut from the movies, but I was low-key fascinated. Smeagol was specifically noted to be interested in roots. Gandalf framed that like literal tree and mountain roots, but this is Tolkien we're talking about. Roots have a metric ton of metaphorical meanings too, and the fact that Smeagol was interested in the origins of things, in where they came from, in what made them as they are, is both deeply ironic and deeply interesting. I kind of hope we do more with that, since becoming Gollum is like ouroborosing roots; Smeagol's interest in Gollum is deeply self-reflexive, which might also be how we end up with that bifurcated personality thing. I dunno, but that would be really cool to follow up on.

I also deeply appreciated Frodo's "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK" reaction to realizing that Gandalf had let him keep the One Ring for so long. Notably, Gandalf kind of doesn't explicitly apologize for putting Frodo at risk, but he does acknowledge that yes, yes he made a choice, took a risk, and put Frodo in some level of danger. I suppose we'll take it, even as we acknowledge that yes, Gandalf was working with imperfect, incomplete information. We do the best we can with what we know at the time, or something. And if it took 20-odd years to figure all of this out (which makes sense for the kind of field and archival work required here), then y'know what, better late than never.

That said, Gandalf also kind of...LIGHTLY SKATES OVER the fact that even just possessing the Ring and doing nothing with it for 20 years has affected Frodo. He's not aging. He can't cast it away. He's already caught. Right at the beginning, in CHAPTER TWO of this massive trilogy, it's not a matter of preventing Frodo from being caught by the ring. It's a matter of how long Frodo can resist. He was doomed before anyone knew, concretely, that there was a problem. And jaysus, if that isn't how you tee up a tragedy, I don't even know how you do that. Maybe there wasn't a good reason for Gandalf to say that to Frodo, maybe it would have hurt more than it helped, but I do kind of think PERHAPS YOU MIGHT POINT THIS OUT???

I get the sense that I'm going to be very back-and-forth on book Gandalf...this is going to be an interesting thing to watch develop as I keep reading.

In addition to Gandalf's "Backstory Via The Socratic Method 101" course, we also get some additional Samwise Gamgee in this chapter. Saying "I adore this hobbit and he should be protected at all costs" is not new or even interesting, so let's take a different tack. In the films, Sam's excitement for going to see the elves is...ungrounded. It's a thing about him that we just accept. I deeply relate to and adore the sense we get of why and how the elves thing comes about in the book:

He believed he had once seen and Elf in the woods, and still hoped to see more one day. Of all the legends that he had heard in his early years such fragments of tales and half-remembered stories about the Elves as the hobbits knew, had always moved him most deeply.

This might seem ungrounded, but it's deeply aware of how stories work. Sam knows that the hobbits don't have the extent of Elven lore that exists, but he knows that there is a magic and a power in even the fragments they have, and that captured his imagination to such an extent that a yearning to see, to understand, to know that magic, was born in his heart. That grounds Sam in stories just as much as Frodo is grounded in stories, and more than that, Sam WANTS the magic to be real in a way that Frodo, primed on all the tragedy by Gandalf, I don't actually think does. Frodo is "I wish it need not have happened in my time," but Sam is "Me go and see the Elves and all."

That "and all" at the end is particularly poignant, because if Sam knows some of the stories of the elves, I have to imagine a few tragic tales survived along with the magical ones, so Sam isn't going starry-eyed into this as a bumblefuck gardener from nowhere. There's an acceptance there of the magic that encompasses all that magic offers, both good and bad. Yeah, I'm probably over-reading into this, but I support it at least a little with the fact that at the beginning of the chapter, we're with Sam when the hobbits down the pub are talking about strange beings and creatures and *foreshadowing the ents*. Sam knows that the stories tell of more than just elves, but for him, that wonder is enough to warrant everything else. No, I am not taking criticism (constructive or otherwise) at this time.

Other than a wee shoutout to the legendary "Mad Baggins"--and let's be real, if history must become myth and myth must become legend, I want Mad Baggins to stay alive and not be forgotten--that's about all I have for this chapter. Professor Gandalf shows up to school Frodo and kick his ass out the door, and Sam gets to go see the elves. We'll pick up again next time with chapter 3.

[jezabatlovesbats]

2023: The Year of Milestones

What a crazy year it's been, am I right? I graduated high school, and I'm now a college freshman. We got some new films that were memed a lot and made a lot of cash. The Owl House and Summer Camp Island ended. I got into some new things as well. Unikitty: Big Bright World turned 5 in January 2023, which is why I crappily edited in the milestone doodle I did for it. You can find it here because I made an ask blog for BBW. For anyone who doesn't yet know me, Unikitty and the BBW AU mean a lot to me.

Following that milestone, I realized there were more things I liked that were turning 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 or 30 that year than I thought, and those are very noteworthy digits to me. I wanted to create anniversary drawings for them in celebration. But, because I was procrastinating from them and I also had other stuff going on, I couldn't. 

Instead of individual milestone drawings, I decided to compile all of them into one big tribute. For the same reasons, though, I had to delay it to January of 2024. I was aiming to have it ready to go by about New Years' Eve. But then on Christmas day, me and my brothers were surprised with a trip to California, and we left three days later.

Without further padding out, I'll talk about the things from which the characters are here partying with me, and what those things mean to me. I'll also talk about what the 5 on my hot chocolate mug means, because I'm not 5 years old, and I wasn't born on Leap Day. Here we go! 

We're starting with the oldest thing featured, The Nightmare Before Christmas, which came out in 1993 and hit 30 years. Me and my family went to see it in a theater back in October of 2020, leading to me growing fascinated by it, its characters and its worldbuilding. I LOVE ME SOME COOL AND INTERESTINGLY DEVELOPED WORLDS, OKAY? THE HOLIDAY FOREST IS NO EXCEPTION! I thought of some other towns based on New Years, birthdays and Earth Day. I also thought up some backstory for Lock, Shock and Barrel because they're my favorite characters and I need more of them. Honestly, I felt like I was late to the party. Like, why hadn't I watched it sooner? But let me tell you, you can get invested in something at any time, no matter how dead its fandom is. I think the reason why TNBC stuck with me is because of its spooky-fun atmosphere. I'm not a fan of horror movies; when I go into the garage or go to pee at night, I have this subconscious fear that something's gonna jump out and slash me in two. I sleep with a nightlight on, too. But if it's clear that the spooks are non-threatening (which the Halloween Town citizens made clear in This is Halloween) and there's no graphic violence or gore anywhere, I'm all for it. After all, I enjoy both cute and dark things, and that's how I present myself. Also, I made an entry for TheITinFIT's YTP collab for TNBC in observance of its 30th anniversary, and you can watch it at the link in the replies!

Finding Nemo came out in 2003, so it's hit 20 years. Let me tell you- I was scared of this movie when I was younger. I wouldn't watch it because of the part where Marlin and Dory were sucked up by that whale, or when that pelican swallowed them (not Nigel; he's a good egg). I was also scared of that Octonauts episode where Dashi gets stuck inside a whale shark. I've always had this fear of getting swallowed by a larger being. And this is just my personal opinion, but I'm disgusted by vore. It's not for me, and it's never been. I can handle those scenes now- after all, Dory and Marlin made it out alive both times (and Dashi did, too). Later on, I had a greater appreciation for FN. Like spooky-fun stuff, another favorite, uh, aesthetic of mine is oceans and the sea. I dunno- sea animals are cool, and I've been fascinated with them since I was a kid. I had this phase where I wanted to be a marine biologist. There's just something so relaxing, but simultaneously exciting about Finding Nemo, and for that reason, it's now one of my favorites from Pixar. 

I was listening to the theme song for this show while writing this. Teen Titans also premiered in 2003, and I'm kind of ashamed to admit that I was introduced to it by Teen Titans Go. In 2018, we saw Teen Titans Go To The Movies in theaters, and I followed TTG up until, like, 2021. By that point, it just wasn't enjoyable for me anymore, but I still very much enjoy the classic series. I watched it from start to finish in 2019 and got super into it, especially the HIVE Five. On Wattpad, I created a random story that was basically a blog for the HIVE. I wrote them profiles, let my followers ask them questions, and did incorrect quotes. It's deleted now, though. I was weirdly obsessed with See-More to the point where I made an OC that was his cousin, made OCs based on the other four senses, and shipped him with Scorpion (though they broke up later on). My mom printed the HIVE symbol on a black T-shirt, and it's still in my closet today. Besides them, one of my other favorite characters is Raven. Any character with a purple and black color scheme will catch my eye, but I also found her history and character traits interesting to the point where she influenced one of my favorite OCs I've made. I've got the entire Teen Titans series on DVD, including the Trouble in Tokyo movie. It was one of the first things I could say was one of my fandoms, so it's got a special place in my heart. By the way, I’d LOVE a (good) HIVE Five movie. 

Another thing I absolutely ADORE that came out of 2003 was the Mario & Luigi RPG series. I mean, I've been playing games in the entire Super Mario franchise since I was young. With this series, I'd always be playing Partners in Time, Bowser's Inside Story and Dream Team on my DS, but in both games, I could never get past two parts. For PiT, I couldn't beat the Swiggler, and in BiS, I couldn't get past the Pump Works area inside Bowser. (Like, I couldn't find the Stingler, even though it was actually super easy. You know, the sparky bzzt thing that opens that one door?) Dream Team was the only game my younger self actually completed, and I think that's why it was the game I liked the most. We got Paper Jam when it came out, and though me and my brothers fought over who got to play it for a while, I played it and beat it. I REALLY started getting invested in the M&L series in 2017, when the Superstar Saga remake came out. Now, as I said earlier, big, elaborate worlds with multiple places to explore and lots of characters will have my attention! So, I was hyped to traverse the Beanbean Kingdom. I never played the original Superstar Saga because we never owned any type of Gameboy. But, I got the remake, played it, and beat both SS and Bowser's minions. One thing led to another, and I fell back down the M&L hole. I even wrote a Prince and the Pauper-like story about Prince Peasley and Red, one of my OCs, but it's also deleted now. I had the idea that the series would be a great TV show, leading to me developing an AU in which I write it like one, with my own characters and kingdoms. Some of you may be thinking that if the M&L series appeals to me, then I would enjoy Paper Mario, too. If you are, I think you might be right! 

As I just said, I loved Dream Team the most, and it's still my favorite game in the series. For this occasion, I was planning on writing a post on why Dream Team was, in fact, a CLASSIC, but again- because of personal business and procrastination, I didn't. I forgot all of my points anyway. But I will say this: even with all the long tutorials, the visuals in the game are absolutely GORGEOUS. I love how well-detailed everything is. The colors were so vibrant and dream-like (just like the game title, guys!). And, the music is AWESOME. In fact, it's one of my favorite game soundtracks ever. I want more of the music with lyrics! I already wrote some for three of them! Luigi really got his time to shine, and his and Mario's brotherliness thoughout the game was just SO amazing and sweet. Luigi believes in Mario so much, and he's willing to fight alongside him, and they're unstoppable together! Also, the Pi'illos were and still are an extremely interesting concept to me, to the point where I thought up a whole Elena of Avalor-type character arc for Prince Dreambert. To me, he seems like a prince learning to rule his land in a different time after being stuck in a nightmare chunk for who knows how long. Anyways, Dream Team is amazing. I freakin' love it. Not much more needed to be said. 

Hitting 15 years in 2023 is one of my all-time favorite movies ever, WALL-E! I have loved and appreciated this movie ever sense I was a literal toddler! I made a bunch of little WALL-E stories, so I’ve been writing fanfiction as early as then. I just didn’t know what that was yet. I remember pretending to be EVE and M-O, the latter of whom is my favorite character. I loved it when I was younger, but I didn’t realize just how amazing it was until I started fixating on it again in 2021. When you revisit something, you can notice lots of things you hadn’t seen before and understand why you love it and what makes it so great. Like, I came to better understand WALL-E’s story and themes, and appreciate how gorgeous it is. I watched Hello, Dolly because of WALL-E, and the parallels I noticed blew my little mind. Those old stories I wrote when I was 5 influenced that WALL-E human AU I made. I think I might bring back my gijinkas and create ones for other things with non-human characters because I miss them. I think the reason why this movie appeals to me is because WALL-E himself is fun and perky and curious (and music-loving) in a similar way to myself. And, I’m a firm believer that there’s more to life than my job. I think that because of WALL-E, I enjoy sci-fi stories and worlds just as much as fantasy stories and worlds. I’m also a sucker for stories that combine sci-fi with fantasy. I still love and appreciate WALL-E so, so, SOOO much, and it’s such a huge part of my life. Autistic WALL-E is real to me. 

A movie that came out the same year as WALL-E that I also still love a lot is Ponyo. It came out in the US a year later, but I’m still including it here. Ponyo was my introduction to Studio Ghibli, and I watched it as often as I did WALL-E back in the day. Me and my brother LOVED this movie and would watch it while in in the car a lot of the time. I remember that my brother even started pretending to be a character called “Sonyo.” I think he also started liking ham. I already said how much I love oceans and fantasies! I don’t really watch a lot of anime or movies from Japan, so this was actually my first time drawing Sosuke and Ponyo. I think they came out pretty great. If it hadn’t been for this movie, though, I don’t think I would have wanted to check out Ghibli’s other films. I did watch Doraemon, Yokai Watch and some Pokémon XY Kalos Quest, so I think I still may have wanted to see other anime shows like Eizouken (which I watched all 12 episodes of). But, I’ve got Ponyo to thank for introducing me to Japanese animation as a whole, and in 2021, I watched all of Ghibli’s other movies (except for Grave of the Fireflies). I think I’ll rewatch Spirited Away and Arrietty sometime later on. I really want to see The Boy and the Heron.

There’s a good number of 10s here, by which I mean these things all came out in 2013. The earliest of these is Steven Universe, which came out in May of that year. I got into Unikitty when the last few episodes of SU were being hyped up. I remember watching a clip for Tragic Magic before YouTube slapped the For Kids thing on it, and most the comments were like, “Give us Legs From Here to Homeworld!” So later on in, like, 2019, I got curious and started watching the show from late Season 3 onwards. My first episode was Earthlings. Then, I watched the whole show from start to finish when CN did the Every Steven Ever thing before the movie came out. I watched the movie past my bedtime ‘cause it premiered on a school night. I made myself a gemsona, my brother started watching the movie and getting interested, and I watched the whole series with him including Future. Even with its flaws, and despite what people say about it, it was an enjoyable watch for us! It’s not the best thing ever because nothing is, but I’m on the side of defending it. Even with its flaws and all the shade it got thrown at it, it paved the way for lots of great things and helped so many people feel understood. This show is legendary in more ways than one, and it still has my respect. 

I’ve been interested in Ever After High since it first launched in 2013. I never had any of the dolls, but I think I watched a few episodes of the series. I remember reading Shannon Hale’s books and owning some of the other toys (like a lockable diary). I was interested in Monster High as well (creepy/fun and cute style! Right up my alley!), but I mostly leaned towards Ever After High. I’d also search the web and look up information about the characters. Raven’s included here because, once again, purple and black color scheme! Yay! But it’s mainly because I remember wanting to be like her. I wanted to be a rebel, and I began calling myself one. Back then, I interpreted her as being so defiant of her prewritten destiny that she believed following it was dumb. But I’ve grown since then, and I came to realize that she isn’t like that. Far from that image, in fact. It’s such a HUGE shame what happened to EAH, but I’m glad there are still people out there who show interest in it. I currently follow someone who’s got lots of ideas for a reboot! Sign me up!

I loved lots of other games in the Super Mario franchise, like Mario Party 9 and New Super Mario Bros. for the DS. My great enjoyment of Super Mario 3D World pretty much goes hand-in-hand with Ever After High. Why, you may ask? Because of the weird crossovers I wrote. Let me explain! Hear me out! I was a well-known enthusiast for the game’s Sprixies. You know, those little fairy creatures? I even had names for the Sprixie princesses based on their colors: Greenia, Yellowlina, Bluia, Orangia, Violet, Aquamarina and Redna. (Get it? Edna, but red?) These days, I still call the purple one Violet, but I gave the rest of them other nicknames. Also, back then, I had the red one be the queen of the Sprixies even though the green one is implied to be the face of the seven. Back to the ridiculous EAH crossovers. I made Sprixie sisters for the female characters in the series. The male characters had Toad brothers. It wasn’t just canon characters, either- I also made Sprixie and Toad siblings for people’s OCs I found on the internet. I even typed up a story about the characters and their, quote-unquote, siblings. But yeah- Super Mario 3D world was ridiculously fun, the music was bouncy and catchy, and the graphics are actually really pretty. In the last worlds, whenever we didn’t have enough green stars to advance, I’d organize the Daily Green Star Hunt. Games like this are the reason why I love searching levels for treasures and trinkets as I go along, and I don’t want to advance until all is found. I’m at a point in my life where I completed SM3DW (and also Bowser’s Fury, since we got that edition) to its entirety with everything you could collect in the game. This game stands as one of my top favorites in the Mario franchise as a whole, so much so that I wanted to include it in Mario & Luigi Rewritten.

I love a lot of films from Pixar, but when I was 9, I especially loved Monsters University. The most noteworthy memory I have with it, which is also the most important one to me, is when I had my tonsils removed. By the way, that’s the only time I ever had surgery done on me. After it happened, the next three or so weeks consisted of me eating nothing but ice cream, taking nasty medicine, and messing around with an iPad on this app called Toontastic (if anyone here has heard of it, you’re a legend to me). I also rented MU out on the TV without my parents’ permission and watched it on repeat. I loved to doodle the movie’s background characters and include my doodles of them into my Toontastic cartoons. (Yeah- the app had a thing where you could draw your own characters and backdrops. Also, off-topic, but Toontastic is the reason I know about Deng Xiaoping.) Also, I shipped the frats and sororities with each other. Like, all six of each one. The RORs with the HSSs, the EEKs with the JOXs, the PNKs with Oozma Kappa. Except for Mike, whom I knew was with Celia, and Sulley, who I shipped with… Carla the Killer Claws lady? That wasn’t the best idea. Johnny x Rosie is a ship I still remember quite fondly. Like I said with WALL-E, the older you get, the more you notice why you love a film so much and what makes it good. I really appreciate MU’s message about how it’s okay to fail. And yes, it is! Because if failure wasn’t an option, you wouldn’t know how to pick yourself back up on your feet when things go wrong. Even if you don’t achieve the dreams you hope for, that doesn’t mean you’re done for and there aren’t other doors you can go through. You still matter. My brother and I made a bunch of jokes about MU when I started college. Of course, it’s not what college is actually like, but I still love it and the original Monsters Inc. If I ever see Steve Buscemi, Billy Crystal or any of the other people from this movie in real life, I’m telling them about me watching it while recovering from surgery.

I’ve always gravitated towards the Mario franchise more than the Sonic franchise. And while I have played Mario and Sonic at London 2012, I didn’t like to play anything solely Sonic except for Sonic Lost World. I know, I know- it wasn’t well-received, but that doesn’t make me any less of someone who enjoys Sonic. Back then, I loved watching cutscenes and walkthroughs of the game, and I was particularly fascinated by the Deadly Six. I can only remember looking up pictures of them and reading fics about them. But, that led me to come back to my affinity for them in 2020. I became interested in fleshing out their characters more and imagining what their pasts were like. I do that a lot when I hear people say a thing is half-baked or cookie-cutter of mediocre/bad. I also created my own Zeti characters as well. I played other Sonic games like Colors and Forces, I saw the movies, and I thought up my Mobian characters. Also, I watched Snapcube’s SA2 fandub. I was there to witness Eggman go on the moon. I’d love to branch out to more Sonic stuff, so if anyone would like to recommend me some, please do! I’m all ears! If you’ve seen Take Me To Snurch (Snail Church), a version of that with the Zeti is stuck in my head now. 🎶 Take me to zurch. I’ll worship like a Zeti at the zhrine of your zife… 

Oof… I’m just gonna say that Frozen fever was inescapable back in the day to tons of kids, including me. When I was a kid, I was a huge copycat. I’d be into things because my friends were into them, and I’d plagiarize other people’s stuff almost all of the time. So, I don’t really remember if I was genuinely interested in Frozen. But apparently, I was enough to have my 9th birthday party be themed around it. Also, I remember that shortly afterwards, I had a sleepover with my friends from dance class, and we watched the movie together (not all of it). Right before we went to bed, we were all singing Let it Go as loud as we could. Frozen’s impacted my young life enough for me to take inspiration from it for Broken and Frozen. But, I agree when people say we need to warm up.

Lastly, there’s my milestone, which just so happens to be Christmas. On Christmas of 2018, I got a new computer, and my parents told me they’d set up the Wattpad account I’ve wanted since before I turned 13. I was first introduced to Wattpad after watching a video about fanfiction and reading the MC:SM Rewritten series (even though it’s now inactive). I talked about the weird little things I liked in real life, but while people listened, I never felt like they really knew what I was talking about. I started uploading my random thoughts, characters and stories to Wattpad, and I started making friends with people who were interested in the same things as me. When I did that, I really felt understood. The same happened when I joined DeviantArt in 2019, and for a while, it was just those two. Later on, in 2021, I hopped on Tumblr, YouTube and AO3. Then came Discord, and most recently, Amino. I was and still am fiercely loyal to my creations and my pals online. Through my high points and my mess-ups, I’ll want to connect with my closest friends and mutuals whenever I can. I’ve found enjoyment in lots of things, and I’ve come so far in terms of developing my artistic skills. When online, I found it easier to connect with people because I could more easily seek out people I had things in common with. What’s especially important to me is that connecting in this way is how I met one of my best friends ever, and while on my trip, I got to see them in real life. I hope it happens again someday. It’s not good to be chronically online, of course. But, being here has helped me discover myself and find peace within this world in ways you can’t even imagine. To everyone I’ve ever interacted with, thank you for five wonderful years! 

Wow! This sure was a lot. To everyone I’ve ever befriended and followed over these things and others, and to everyone who followed me, I can’t thank you enough for being here! You guys are the reason I keep logging in almost every day and why I’m still on my feet. Especially you, Hino! Thank you so, so, SO much! 

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! 🎆💜🖤🦇

[ghostgirlgeist]

task #3- absence

november felt like it was already moving quicker than phyllis could keep up with. the library had been receiving an ample amount of business lately, and when phyllis mentioned it to other librarians, they would inform her that it was not out of the norm for reading to become a more desirable hobby when the air outside grew a bit crisper and spending time outdoors wasn't the preferable past time of most evermore residents. phyllis never minded when the seasons changed, though she was exempt from feeling the bite of cold air against her skin being as she was, you know, a ghost and all.

slipping the sleeves of her sweater over her hands, she nestled deeper into the chair behind her counter, head lulling to the side as what could be considered exhaustion hung heavy on her lids. eyes focused on a pen that was sitting atop her unattended paperwork, her mind allowing it to spin oh so faintly to keep her somewhat grounded. her efforts failed, of course, and as weighted lids rested shut... her mind wandered, drifted, into what wasn't particularly sleep but a phantom's equivalent of it.

the pen found itself lifting from the old and worn desk, it's drying tip due to a cap long-lost finding companionship with the parchment that now lay blank beneath it. phyllis, sleepily blinking herself awake, watched as it began to dispense ink against the page... reading as it did.

❛ dear miss grimwood,

hello again. it's me, phyllis, writing another letter to you even though you'll probably never receive it. now, whether that's because i don't understand how the post service works or because the weirdness of this town won't let me, or any part of me, leave it ... i'm not sure. but, maybe it's for the best you're not able to read the letters i've written to you. there have to be hundreds by now, even though i don't write as often as i used to. i'm sorry for that.

when i first came to evermore, i spent a great deal of time missing you. i'm sure the other ghouls felt the same way but, it seemed like they all had an easier time settling in then i did. maybe that isn't true, i dunno, but it felt like it. i used to see this therapist, they were so grool, you really would have liked them— but all i'd do is sit there, the whole time, and just wish i was talking to you. it made me feel guilty, like i was wasting their time, like i didn't really care if they listened because they weren't you. i think they noticed this, because they started to ask me why i didn't talk to you anymore or why i didn't just reach out to you. it's not that i don't want to talk to you, miss grimwood, i just didn't know how. i still don't. i don't know a lot of things, i've realized.

i think part of me is scared to tell you about my life in evermore. it's nice, it's lively and the people here are particularly peculiar and fascinating enough to keep me on my toes. they're not all human, i've learned, but all of them are strange. i know we aren't strangers to strange but... somehow, even still, i'm still feeling like the odd one out. i find it harder to grasp onto things than i did when i lived at the school with you and all the other ghouls. even with coach. i just feel... different. i know i am different, and you always told me that being different is what made me phyllis but, i'm growing tired of being SO different i don't feel like i could have anything in common with anyone if i tried. i am lying to more people than i am not, saying silly things just to hide a part of myself that i worry will scare people away if i'm not careful. i make up ridiculous excuses for why i can't eat the delicious looking food the cute man at the tavern offers me, for why i don't want to go outside when it is raining, why i couldn't ride any of the carnival rides or how, when i doze off, i just seem to disappear... i'm so tired of lying but i'm too scared to tell the truth. i know you'd assure me you aren't disappointed in me but, you practically raised me and i know that wouldn't be true. a part of you, even if it was the smallest bone in your body, would be disappointed i took all of your talks and lessons for granted like they never happened.

you always told me to embrace the things about myself that make me different from anyone else. i try to remember that you always told me you could only count on one hand how many ghouls you knew who could spin their head in a full circle like me. i try to remember you told me it always chilled your heart how i could laugh so loud even though i had no lungs to fuel the sound. how you could feel when i entered a room, even if i was silent and invisible all at once. the ghouls here do a lot to make me feel better but the guilt for putting that responsibility onto them eats me dead. coupling that guilt with the potential disappointment just feels like.... it just feels bad, miss grimwood. you are one of the only people who truly has ever made me feel seen, even when i don't have the energy to make myself visible. i just miss you so deeply and am so ashamed because you worked so hard to teach me to love myself and.... i just don't. i find myself wanting to be like everyone else and i just picture you, in the back of my mind, shaking your head. i know you're right. i'm disappointed too.

i'm sorry i don't write to you as much. i'm sorry none of the hundreds of letters i haven't sent don't have anything good to say. maybe one day i'll send a letter, but like i'm doing to everyone else, i'm sure i'll lie to you too. i'm sure i'll tell you i'm having a shrieking good time, that i'm settling in great, that there is no where else i'd rather be than here in evermore with all the new friends i've made...

if i ever do send that letter, miss grimwood, i hope you don't reply.

forever your little boo,

phyllis geist ❜

a sudden clearing of the throat had phyllis stirring fully awake, her breaths heavy and infused with emotion as she looked around a bit sporadic for a moment. eyes, brimmed with what could be called tears, lifted to meet the tentative face of a concerned library-goer. stitching a smile upon her face, rubbing at her eyes, stifling a yawn — phyllis disguised her emotion as exhaustion. ❛ gosh, i'm so sorry... i uh, must have dozed off there... what can i help you with ?? ❜ the individual then dismissed phyllis, politely, and instead opted to inquired if she was alright. the most insincere smile fluttered across the phantom's lips, hands waving around as if to shoo off the mere IDEA of her being anything but alright whilst simultaneously covering up the letter with the paperwork she had neglected.

❛ oh, i'm just fine, i promise... a little tired, is all, but truly- i'm happy to help you with whatever you need. ❜

ah yes, phyllis, yet another lie.

[elazul-sasayaki]

A brief realization of the self.

So, I got plenty of friends, mutuals, and folks I follow who are Plurals, Systems, whatever term best fits them in particular, seems to vary on who you talk to about it. Their experiences are not mine, and mine are not theirs, and I don't feel like my own situation qualifies quite the same, but I have come to realize that my "Aspects" might be akin to fledgling personalities in their own right, and that would explain a good deal about how they seem to fully take the spotlight whenever I base a TTRPG character off one of them, or one of them claims one of said characters...

So, I feel like sharing, for posterity's sake and to just have it out there, who I am, and the parts that make up whole.

Elazul/Janus/Blue: The core, idealized-self me, that is all of me at once. The me I see myself as when thinking of myself as a whole, and who I would like to be. Also my usual default personality when trying out a new setting. Feels most at self as a catwolf. Not really an Aspect, as (almost) everyone else here branched from him. It's just me, but fat and furry (and magic, hehe).

Russel: The part of me that loves to build, that desires to protect, that wishes I had the strength to step in when others do not. According to an incident during on of the aforementioned TTRPGs, he might be carrying some of my past trauma for me. For some reason, favored animal is a Deer Mouse. So far my most directly expressed Aspect, having actually been used in a complete campaign. Character came before the Aspect formed around it.

Nicholas/Nick/NOX: The part of me that loves music, both playing and listening to, that is fascinated by sound and its effects on objects and the mind, that wants little more than to be happy and share his favorite sounds and songs with people he cares about. Favored animal is pretty much any bat, has not picked a specific one yet. Second most-expressed aspect so far. Same deal as Russel with regards to which formed first.

Zeke/Ezekiel: One I don't really talk about much because he's not as prominent as the others. The part of me that loves to cook, loves food, and loves to share. Also probably the part of me that has the most trouble accepting gifts, despite how much he likes giving them. Has not developed enough to have a favored animal yet, and has only been directly expressed once. Was an active Aspect before I came up with the character he uses.

Ryan: The only voice in my head that doesn't feel like it's an intrinsic part of myself. Kinda just showed up one day, and seems to pick one of the other parts of myself to imitate, making their voice have a greater impact on my choices whenever this happens. Really likes masks for some reason. Favored animal is apparently octopi and cuttlefish. Has yet to be directly expressed, but already has made an impact on my local friend-group somehow. Might be an Aspect that represents my tendency to mimic others when I encounter things about them I like? There is no "Who came first?" with this one, Aspect and character are one in the same.

-------------

These are the voices that help me work things out in my head while I do my day-to-day stuff, they seem to have actually unique perspectives on things, different ways to go about finding solutions, but they're never really "at the wheel" so to speak. They do, however, take up a co-pilot like position from time to time, and do ease the mental burdens I'm dealing with at the time when they do...

I dunno, I just... Really had to get this thought out there for some reason, don't mind me if none of this makes sense to you.

[multi-lefaiye]

!!!!! multi!!! im glad youre back!! ive missed seeing your icon on my dash! ive been working so much on my silly little stories with my silly little guys, idk if ive told you about them but its my time traveling story, im finally beefing my characters and getting to know them better! ive been using a prompt list for june and forcing myself to write something for this story everyday and its been going really well!! (i can tell you more if youd like) i keep making everything really sad and tragic tho..... dunno whats up with that lmao. is there anything youve been working on recently??

RUNS AT YOU hiiiii!! :D yeah yeah!!! i never like. reallly left but i'm not gonna pretend i haven't been a bit MIA lmao......... have not had the energy to engage with people that much lately. BUT today is a new day and i am beating the sleeby boy allegations.

YEAH YOU'VE TOLD ME A LITTLE!!! oh that's so fucking cool OMG i'm so excited you're having so much fun with them and developing them more! i love your little guys okay they mean SO MUCH to me!!! and OHHH YES YES HELLO??? okay, if you don't mind, can you PLEASE send some of that my way??? or if you want please feel free to tag me in it if you post it! because i love your stuff so so much and i want to go off the shits.

and regardless, you're always welcome to come into my inbox and talk to me about what you're working on. at all times. i encourage you to do it!!!!! also that's so real. something about giving fictional people problems........ intoxicating.

but yes yes!!! so like i said i haven't had much energy to work on stuff lately, but i do have some things i've been bouncing around! a big thing is a tftgs fanfic character study i'm tentatively titling "in case you don't live forever," centered around jack and his relationship with his ex-girlfriend sabine.

sabine is such a fascinating character to me for loads of reasons, many of them being the fact that we learn basically nothing about her. she is the epitome of a character who haunts the narrative, at least in my opinion, and this started as like... me exploring what i think she was like. what kind of person she was. it then evolved into an exploration of what might've happened if sabine had *lived* and gotten to be happy.

so it's an au where she and jack run away together and start a new life in a new state. it's super emotional and tender and sweet and writing it is really cathartic and healing for me. i'm also using it as an opportunity to explore concepts that are tried and true multi-lefaiye classics: mental health, trauma, queerness, and how they all blend together at times. most of all, though, it's about healing.

i'm including an excerpt under the cut!

It’s just after two in the morning on a Saturday night in mid-2007, and for the last time, Sabine Lemoyne stands alone in her childhood bedroom.

She’s had this room since she was eight, and the decorations haven’t changed much in the following decade. The walls are the same soft, muted purple she adored growing up, plastered with posters for old movies and bands she hasn’t listened to in years, and it nicely complements the pink shag carpet beneath her feet. Her immaculate bedspread is bright and cheery, covered in colorful illustrations of grinning flowers and vibrant greenery. Her favorite childhood stuffed animal, a little pink cat named Eevie, sits on the desk across from her bed, watching her with vacant glass eyes.

Her room has always brought her some modicum of comfort, a sanctuary of peace and solitude in a tumultuous world, but now, standing in the mausoleum of times long since passed, it feels stifling. She can’t breathe in here.

Sabine has to leave. And that’s exactly what she intends to do.

The duffel bag on her bed has been packed for days now, and she’s only just finished packing the backpack leaning against it. Inside the duffel bag, she’s packed clothes, books, and an extra pair of shoes; the backpack, meanwhile, holds her toiletries, six hundred dollars in cash, and two laminated folders. Inside one folder are two bus tickets, set for departure in one hour.

[epersonae]

director's commentary for what makes me kind and the cannonball series: your stede and ed povs in both these fics/series are SO perceptive and in character and well done. can you expand on how you tackle the pov writing process/style for both, and what you find most challenging and most fun in writing from each character's pov?

First of all: thank you! I care a lot about doing that well! I think a lot of it is about inputs:

Some of that is on my somewhat bananapants process of writing Hungry for love, ready to drown, which involves watching an episode over and over and over and over again, sometimes in chunks of just a couple of minutes. And every time I do I catch some nuance or detail that I hadn't quite gotten before, plus I think I absorb a little bit of the dialogue style as I go. That ends informing everything else I've written, for sure!

I've just watched a lot overall, not so much the last couple of months, but I am officially in the "has lost track of number of watches" camp.

I've also read a LOT of fanworks: what I can only describe as an unconscionable amount of fic, as well as a ton of meta. And I have opinions and preferences, and I've found myself nudged into different reads over time. I don't write meta, generally, but I find myself incorporating other people's into how I think about and write the characters. (A few people who I would like to give special mention: @chuplayswithfire, @knowlesian, @amuseoffyre, @meanmisscharles, and @triflesandparsnips, which I know is leaving out lots of folks with interesting takes!)

Writing process wise, there's a lot of reading out loud to make sure it sounds right, but also just, I dunno, VIBES?!?!?!

For Ed in what makes me kind (and sort of in can't cross the same river twice), it's "do I feel like my head is full of bees?", while in bad taste in our mouths/twinkle in your eye, I wanted to capture something of the tiredness of his life before Stede. (that one was also heavily inspired by the line "the old Blackbeard would have seen that coming a mile away", which I think is a fascinating bit of insight.) Ngl, anything post-S1 there's also just a lot of my grief feels in it.

And Stede is also lots of run-on sentences, but more like the thought just keeps going somehow? One of my personal criteria for a good Stede characterization in someone else's fic is whether I yell at some point "Stede fucking Bonnet you absolute dipshit", and so if I can do that at my own work then I know I'm on track. For post-S1 Stede, I'm also very consciously aware of trying to work on his growth arc, that he's going to try talking about his feelings, and it's going to be hard, but he's committed to it!

Reading out loud helps a LOT, because then I can hear if the cadence works, and the word choices feel in keeping with how the characters talk in canon. (FWIW, reading out loud is one of those classically great pieces of writing advice in any genre. It's kind of a pain in the ass but I never regret doing it.)

Which, here's the big challenge with Stede, which is also one of my favorite things: his verbal register is all over the place. A lot of people lean fancy, which I think is an easy mistake, and then people complain about how that's not how he talks, but it's not NOT how he talks, either. "Forthwith" and "kick their asses" are in the same sentence. "Sometimes a man has to take responsibility for the things he's done and the people he's hurt" is right before "Calm down Mister Wavy Blade." Getting the balance right is so fucking hard, and when it's right, it feels really good.

Similarly, the challenge with Ed is getting a very specific balance, that I can honestly only describe as "bees but not too many bees." He's so smart and he's thinking about so many things, but again, the trap to avoid is making him too manic (or in grief mode, too maudlin).

Here's a funny thing, actually, about what I enjoy writing each of their POV: I always crack myself up, writing Hungry for love, ready to drown, when I get a bit where Stede is just phenomenally unaware of what's happening, either in his own head or what's going on around him. Something where it's super clear in canon but I'm pretty sure my dude had no idea, yeah? And so that's one of the great pleasures of it, playing with that irony. On the other hand, one of the things I enjoy in writing Ed POV is how much he notices: like in bad taste in our mouths, he knows that Jack is probably playing him, and he decides to see where it goes. So I guess there's something about those two sides as something that I like digging into.

(which is probably a personal thing, but also heavily influenced by all the very interesting posts about unreliable narrators, which is a thing I haven't played with much in my writing over the years, until I started writing for OFMD.)

Thanks again for asking, this was fun to think about, and I may have actually figured out some things about my process that I hadn't considered before. I do run on vibes quite a bit, as a writer.

Fanfiction writers: director’s cut

[amplifyme]

Cat and Mouse

I’m back! Another short entry; but I’m sure it will still be delightful~ :DDDDD

Anyway, my thoughts: a pleasure to reread, especially in putting William’s grumbles and Winslow’s abrasiveness in better contexts, having gotten to know the characters from the show. Love how Nan captures the littleness of “human” reactions without self-discipline, all ages, ranges, and stages of life. Cullen is really growing on me-- I already liked him from AWTN; but was a bit thrown by the series episode. Rereading is putting it all back together, in a way. Father is delightful even in his flustery, mother hen panicky concern. Vincent and his chessboard maneuvers-- with ‘Rat’ and the people Below alike-- are fascinating, especially knowing what else Nan is building on top of these moments. Vincent’s anger at feeling ‘separated’ from the people Below by his failure is really, really excellent of Nan to draw from, touch on, and further set up for future explorations. 

Overall, highly enjoying myself-- and so is Sis (she is enjoying the experience more than the human drama; but that’s her typical schtick.Sis: “Hey, don’t get me wrong, I can get invested in human drama….”). And I am also highly enjoying taking her most extreme reactions, hyperbolizing them, and reading them back to her (Sis: “Yeah… they’re fun…” said with woeful sarcasm? “I dunno-- irony, maybe.”) And now, I shall transcribe Sis’s reactions: 

““He resignedly scuffed on to the top of Father's stair, overlooking the study, which seemed empty. “Father? I'm sorry if I'm late, I—” “Vincent?” Father's voice brought Vincent's head up, and he located Father on the balcony, shoving off a stool and starting in great haste down the spiral iron staircase. “Vincent? Where on earth have you been?”” Sis: COOL YOUR JETS, OLD MAN. Let him live.”  (We had a bit of banter here-- her Father’s stanship will last because she is invested enough to critique and still hold him as a favorite.) 

She and I are having a brief tete a tete (Sis: “BUT WE ARE ALREADY HAVING A CONVERSATION-- it’s different than a tete a tete because--” and I lost the rest because she was talking a mile a minute) over Father’s parental worries-- she’s still salty about Devin-- but, overall, it’s entertaining for me to hear her ranting (“No, it’s not ranting, it’s not really ranting!” she rushes to assure me, after she calls it ranting.) 

““You say you were hunting,” Father prodded. “The so-called rat, I presume? Did you...settle the matter?”” Sis was so highly amused she was cackling over Vincent going Street Fighter on a metaphorical rat. 

I was describing these short stories as photos in an album to better illustrate why Father still has lessons to learn (on top of the other lessons he will ALSO learn in AWTN); and Sis threw in the idea that Diana is the third party that thinks all of this is messed up. We’re having a blast (Sis: “It’s about the friends we made along the way.”) 

““Vincent, don't ever say that. You are not an animal.”” Sis: “Just try getting him to believe you. Obviously, that didn’t work.” 

We briefly talked about Gabriel, and Sis made a crack about punching him amicably before both of us denied it because she doesn’t have amicable feelings towards Gabriel (Sis: “I’m not friends with him. He’s just a guy.”) 

““...Vincent could sense only the tension and the anger, none of the love and relief they sprang from.”” and ““As the outer bruises faded, the inner ones went deeper, toward the heart, affecting Vincent's most basic sense of who he was and of what he was to everyone around him.”” are so key to Vincent’s journey in AWTN-- glad I caught it even more the second time around. 

““Father patted at the air. “William, that's a matter of simple logistics--”” Sis’s mouth dropped open, imagining the numerous logistics: “Well then, you figure it out, Father!” I explained how Father would not be able to do so as well as William. She completely understood: “Oh, well, fine.”

““When Cullen's hand landed on his shoulder, he was so startled he nearly choked.”” THERE’S CULLEN STARTLING HIM AGAIN. Love whenever Cullen does that in the narrative. 

Sis gave Part 2 a “thumbs up”-- she’s a self-described “click off” reader, meaning she reads, she likes, she clicks off. Her modus operandi. So a thumbs up is her way of expressing “yay” to the reading experience. (Yes, she does this to my stuff, too.) 

Anyway, gotta shuffle off again! Will be back soon with the next installment~.

Hey! Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. Yesterday was cray-cray. I love reading yours and Sis's thoughts and the bantering you do while in the midst of your re-read. I really don't have anything to add to this except for one thing, below the cut...

““Vincent, don't ever say that. You are not an animal.”” Sis: “Just try getting him to believe you. Obviously, that didn’t work.” 

Okay, but here's the thing, V is right: he is an animal. And he's much more cognizant of that fact than any of the people he lives amongst and loves. That's always been and will continue to be Father's absolute blind spot when it comes to his very unique son. There's no doubt F offers that belief to V out of deep love and respect for all the things V is that don't include "animal," but to deny that part of him is to refuse to accept the whole of the person - good and bad. And I think it's part of the reason V has such issues with his own sense of worthiness.

It's the same thinking that so many fans (especially Classic) have of Vincent: that he's this perfect man who just happens to have leonine features and enormous strength. But they're wrong, he's not just a man. He's very much other, and a large part of that is animal. And there's nothing wrong with that. Vincent is a singularly unique individual, a "creature who has never been."

I think one of the reasons Nan and I hit it off so well is because we shared the same beliefs about V. It's so easy to focus on the aspects of him that are the most admirable and relatable. But if you chose to ignore or disregard the truth of his otherness, then you do him a great disservice.

One of my favorite lines in the show ever, is one of Diana's and is, sadly, one that a lot of folks didn't or don't pay enough attention to. It not only goes a long way in explaining who she is and how she thinks, but it also strikes me as the perfect example of why she and V are such a perfect pairing. Because it proves that she'll be able to acknowledge and accept all of Vincent, and not just the parts that are the best of him.

"If all you’re willing to see is what you’ve seen before, you’re gonna miss half of what’s going on."

I'll leave you with that. 😊

[kitcat992]

I noticed your post on "Tony." Interesting to consider since my preferred take is that Peter calls him "Mr. Stark" forever, lol.

But I thought your character development and insight for this scenario was fascinating. Do you usually prefer that change from "Mr. Stark" to "Tony" as a writer/reader? I'm curious now 🤩

This is a great question! So, Imma preface my answer but saying I love Irondad, and I appreciate all authors and their creative take on Irondad, and there's no wrong answer to how you go about writing your version of Irondad.

That being said...

I hate Peter calling Tony by his first name. 😅 As like, the standard. As in - he calls Tony by his first name all the time and nothing but that. I rarely read a fic where Peter's constantly addressing him as Tony. It just doesn't feel like Irondad to me. 🤷 And that's a personal take, so if you write that or like that, don't take offense. I'm just talking about me, myself, and I here.

Getting Peter to that point in the story was a huge moment because it addresses their relationship's growth, and how Peter IS *able* to call Tony by his first name. It's wrapping up a narrative thread I started way back in Chapter 9 of Identity Theft, as the Narrative Discourse post went on to talk about. But literally a few lines later he's right back to Mr. Stark 😆

Identity Crisis: Chapter 31 │In a Quiet Lagoon, Devils Dwell

“You going to freak out if I call you Tony?” he asked, a little more volume to his voice, with a tug at his lips adding a smile to the touch.

Tony arched an eyebrow, slightly, before warming up to the same smile.

“You get a one time pass,” Tony said, removing his hand from the gravestone to point a finger in the air. “Use it wisely.”

Though Peter hesitated, it didn’t stem from Tony’s false indignance. His smile grew wider at the edges, every pull of his muscles as sincere as the words that followed.

“Thanks, Tony,” Peter said.

Tony smiled back, patting him firmly on the shoulder. “You’re welcome, Mr. Parker.”

The wind blew by, rustling at the trees from above and shaking the branches along the way, dropping leaves in a scattered pattern to the ground below. At the same time, Tony unclenched his grasp on Peter, going to use his shoulder as a foothold when standing up.

“Now come on,” Tony gestured for him to stand as well, happily taking Peter’s arm when the kid offered it for support. He bones were too stiff for sitting that long, let alone in a pretzeled position. “Szechuan Bean Curd wasn’t a suggestion — Pepper’s craving it, and I’ve gotta do my due diligence in keeping the woman happy.”

Peter let out a chuckle as they began their way back to the parked Audi, its bright orange impossible to miss even in the middle of the night.

“I dunno, Mr. Stark,” Peter started to say, wiping the mud off the back of his jeans as they walked side-by-side down the cemetery path. “She didn’t sound too happy about the whole wedding thing.”

------

There'll be a few more times in the future where Peter addresses Tony by his first name, but the moments are reserved for shits-about-to-hit-the-fan or just somber moments in general. I don't have access to my outline at the moment but if I remember correctly, it's less than 3 times in total in the final installment where it happens. Otherwise, he sticks to Mr. Stark.

At this point in my universe, it's more of a nickname than anything else. It's no longer that Peter isn't comfortable calling Tony by his first name. They've officially grown past that, as the narrative thread explains, and how the narrative thread has been concluded. Addressing him as Tony was the big step into starting a new stage of their relationship, and I was very thrilled to reach that point. I ENJOYED writing that "Thanks, Tony," line. It made me smile ear-to-ear. It's a huge step in the character growth for Peter.

But the nickname Mr. Stark stays -- because to me, that's a big part of Irondad. Mr. Stark is like Underoo's/Spiderling/Pete/and most of all..."kid." It's the name that makes them who they are.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary25

9/29-30/2023

late night, tonight.

i was out super late after this very bad poetry reading here for some of these creative writing majors. i don't have a lot to say about it, it was bad and the writers make some people close to me miserable because they fail at being kind basically. kind in a real way, the kindness that lets you have some give for meanness when you actually articulate/show effort put towards anyone else, people who are utterly shallow, you know. i believe it must be the case that we all know of people like that essentially.

i didn't get to work on music today really, that's kind of good, tomorrow i will try to write some stuff, i did work on music actually i guess, i wrote a riff, and i'll see where that can take me, or less writing the riff, i wrote some chords to mess with. a fun shape that has a good sound, disso and freaky when inverted.

anyways tonight was good, or like, half good. it's given me a lot to think about, with people who do certain things (like 'ethical' nonmonogamy and if that can exist when the presupposition is monogamy in the first place). i met new people who i like, who are really nice and fun to be around, who got drunk and told me dirt about some old people i knew. or really, one person. that doofus from the noise band, actually. i don't mind saying that. i won't discuss the dirt. it just kind of makes me feel something sad, about people like that, and i guess at large people who in some sense resemble the poets, shallow engagement and deeply troubled ideas of what being an artist means leading to difficult lives, miseries that begin loud and only grow quieter, never actually dissipating.

my gf really wanted to take me to this, the reading and the afterparty, she and a friend really wanted to hear my thoughts on these people because supposedly i'm very funny about that kind of thing, she forgot i guess the bore of the poetry, and the fact that as time goes on, the ruin of these lives is exposed more and more, rich (really i don't actually know, it's the impression i get) developing bad habits and using people, and the drama, while never uninteresting to someone like me (maybe it makes me evil to want to hear), is always sad.

sometimes i am like a child and i just wish everyone could be okay and fine, i'd sometimes light myself on fire to make that possible, but someone i used to be obsessed with told me that me wanting to be jesus or buddha (he said both) so bad wouldn't do anything for anyone except feed how badly i like to see myself hurt. he's right. i guess that's what knowing things does too.

maybe my whole life i'm just going to be hurting myself in new ways.

so i made 3 new friends, or 4, let me count, yeah, 4, i think. and i actually saw 2 friends i knew before tonight, and i was with my one girl friend. so 7 people, i'm gonna see some tomorrow at a gay bar to see a drag show, super exciting stuff. hopefully there won't be any pangs of sadness over the fact we are living in hell sort of.

i guess everybody has really unpleasant fascinations sometimes.

one conversation tonight, one of the new friends told me about her research topic, modern apocalyptic media and its convergence with evangelical christianity, just talking about all that stuff and its evolving state, the dwindling numbers of evangelicals and their panic, her past, and stuff. i liked that. i liked all of tonight, even the sadder parts.

i'm listening to the song theory on sex as an art form, by camera obscura, on repeat. a really great track, it's just so perfect, i love the synth-y punky part especially, but i guess it's also perfect next to a perfect melodic release, this movement that recalls something tumbling downhill, or leaves off petals, while the first part is this total mania.

anyways i am exhausted now, and tomorrow is another day of socializing and stuff.

had an awful thought, or not awful, i dunno. someone posted the song absent friend by bark psychosis, a song that takes me to two specific moments in my life. one was when i'd listen to this song, thinking about the man i loved who would disappear without a word because he was awful, and i'd lay in bed without anyone to talk to, and the second place, is years later, when a friend who loved this record to bits, killed himself, and the song was so pointed, it felt like it said something. the night i found out i walked around and listened to this song.

both times, the lyric "that's the biggest joke of all" took on pretty different meanings. right now it means something else i guess.

the awful thought was about my dead friend rather than the friend who is dead to me. my dead friend, the thought was: the most meaningful thing he'd ever do for himself was kill his own self, that's where all the force of his life would end up, and missing him, and not wanting to forget him and wanting other people to know him, all i am left being able to do is revive the corpse he made of himself and tell others, this is what he did, this is his monument and it's an awful one but it is his. i don't know what else to say about it, i'm staving off the wish to tell a stranger in a server about him because they posted this song, all i can say is i guess, beautiful song, one of the best ever, and they won't know how much i mean that. maybe i mean it less because it means such particular things to me, and rather than thinking it's the best song ever, it's just clusters of memory and feeling forever tied to it. whatever, though, that's fine.

anyways, byebye!!!

[ghostalmost]

been doing a lot of 3 am thinking about all the posts saying ai generated images can't be art because ai can't Create, it can only imitate. and i look back on the time years ago, in another life, when i drew a lot and played music sometimes. i got a great deal of enjoyment and fulfillment from doing these things, even though they could be frustrating too. but i could never come up with interesting ideas to draw or music of my own. even at times when my ability to draw or play music peaked, i've never been particularly creative and that's that. as far back in my life as i can remember, i always just drew characters from cartoons and books that i liked, and probably a couple thousand cats with wings because i saw a picture of a cat with wings in a book once and thought it was cool.

i realize there are some differences here, but still: i was just imitating too. always. i would sometimes try stuff with weird colors or proportions or shading techniques or whatever, but i was always just taking ideas i picked up from someone/somewhere else and playing with them like toys lovingly handcrafted by someone else, never creating something of my own, something new. if the 'Human Element' that people say is missing from ai generated images is some kind of innovation or creativity or uniqueness, then there was also basically no Human Element in any "art" i've ever done in my life.

for years and years i've been quietly hoping that some inspiration and motivation will come back to me some day, and i'll find myself able to start learning how to draw again. until very recently, i never gave much thought to why i want this. is it just because i felt like A Person Who Draws is a good thing to be, or something i was "supposed" to be?

people who create often talk about their art being a way to communicate something they can't communicate in any other way. sometimes there's a sense of urgency there too, like they're about to explode if they don't get some of these thoughts and ideas out of their head and into the world! but since i could never even find any ideas when i needed them, that can't be what i'm after. there's some appeal in the idea of developing a skill and seeing how far i can push it, but shit, i already feel so, so far out of my depth just trying to like... exist, and be a person.

the only clear thing i can think of that i ever brought to my imitation-art that ai can't bring, is appreciation. yeah, it doesn't sound like much because everyone can appreciate stuff, but that just means it's another 'Human Element', doesn't it? i drew steven universe characters because i thought they were cool as hell. i drew cats with wings because i love cats and addings wings to an animal you like is fun. i learned to play the bits of music i learned because i thought it was really nice music. (admittedly throughout all of these i was also kind of desperate to find things i could do that other people would like, so when people liked my drawings and noises it was a wonderful and relieving feeling. but i do think at its core it was mostly about me just really, really liking stuff.)

so.. maybe that can be plenty of reason to try, for me? maybe i can learn how to find inspiration in that, instead of just, i dunno, waiting for it to reappear from somewhere else.

maybe i can somehow develop my ability to perceive and appreciate, to be fascinated and humbled and amazed by everything i learn. maybe i could somehow, someday, learn to visually communicate something about how strange it is that sometimes a single thought or feeling in just one little brain can seem as big as the whole universe, or how the longer i live the more being alive hurts and is really hard and scary and exhausting, but also more profound and beautiful and exhilarating, and maybe worthwhile.

none of this is new at all, of course. i know i don't have anything to communicate that everyone else doesn't already know. this is just standard human stuff i'm talking about, and maybe that's the point.

[in-defense-of-loki]

For the get to know ask game: 💕: Your two top fave fictional characters, 📖: Fave books, (this can totally be more than one, as choosing just one favorite book is impossible) and 🌼: Fave flower! 🙂🙂

Oh sh!t, uhh top two, huh? I think imma have to break that rule, because as a neurodivergent, collecting is both a coping mechanism for trauma and something I enjoy a lot. And I collect plushies and characters. So can I just list my characters I like collecting?

Kurama and Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho, I just got their noodle stopper figures, and I pre-ordered Kurama's Nendoroid just two days ago. Excitedly waiting for Hiei's.

Sesshomaru from Inuyasha, last thing I got of his was either his noodle stopper, or the Pop-Up Parade figure, can't remember. (We don't talk about Yashahime here, that show is trashfire)

Loki and Bucky from Marvel, obviously, lol. I just recently got Loki's newest Funko Pop of him holding his scepter from Avengers. He's probably my most extensive collection, because I even have several Hot Toys 1/6 figures and most his comic books among so much else. There's not a lot for collecting Bucky, unfortunately, I think the last thing I got of him were the Q-Posket figures, though.

Link from LoZ. I'm very biased towards these games, as they were my lifeline during the time I was recovering from a traumatizing relationship. I have all his Nendoroid and Figma figures, as well as his amiibo, and so much more. Just him, though, not Zelda or anyone else. I have Skyward Sword figure by Real Action Heroes, but I'm still in the market for the BotW one.

Sherlock from BBC series, his is probably my smallest collection. I have all his Funko Pops, a 1/6 figure (not by Hot Toys), a movie poster, and I think that's it. Sad, honestly.

Thranduil from The Hobbit, his is as small. I have a couple of plushies, some posters, a small figurine. I plan on trying to find more, haven't found an Asmus figure within a good price range, but I'm also not really impressed with their model of him. Asmus figures tend to be a hit-or-miss with their stuff, no in-between.

Cloud and Sephiroth from FFVII, both the original and remake stuff. I recently ordered a plush of Cloud and then preordered his matching Advent Children plush and Play Arts Kai Cloud in a dress. I'm aiming for getting a good priced GameToys 1/6 figure of Sephiroth, but they're not easy to come by or confirm as authentic. That reminds me, I need Sephiroth's matching plush to the Cloud ones....

I used to collect Severus Snape, because his character was the most interesting, but since his creator has become problematic, I've neglected that collection. Can't bring myself to get rid of them, cuz the character is still fascinating.

~

As for favorite books, that's even harder. Mostly because beloved series I used to follow tend to turn horrible because their authors go through irl hardships and their works are heavily affected. Like the Anita Blake series by Hamilton, or the Dark Hunter series by Kenyon. Those series suck so bad now. Though, hopefully, the Mercy Thompson series and the Alpha & Omega series, both by Patricia Briggs, don't end up that way. Back in high school, I really like the Vampire Kisses series, and I think the writing has held up even now, but it definitely is a young adult/teen series. A trilogy I really love, even now, would be Depravity, Deceit, Devastation by MJ Haag, it's my favorite Beauty and the Beast reimagining. I still enjoy things like LotR and The Hobbit, but I dunno if I'd call them my favorites. There have been a lot of good Loki books (and comics), but nothing that really stood out yet. Howl's Moving Castle the book has always been fun, but it's not at the top of my list either...

I guess I just enjoy books as I read them and connect with them, usually characters actually, and so there are too many to name that I've enjoyed and relish and would suggest to others. I mean, it may be easier to name favorite genres? Cuz then I'd say Horror, Fantasy, some Sci-Fi, and Adventure. Recently I've been enjoying Isekai stories, though there have been only some that stick out to me, just because of how differently the elements and story is handled: 'Death Is the Only Ending for the Villainess' and 'Kill the Villainess,' but 'Marry My Husband' has also been interesting though I don't think it's necessarily Isekai.

~

My favorite flower is the easiest, lol, it's the Red Spider Lily, also known as the Red Magic Lily, Corpse Flower, or Equinox Flower.

Thanks for the ask! 💚

[firebirdsdaughter]

Ya know…

… Now that I’m rewatching Leverage (the original, not the new one, I can’t watch the new one)…

I set Leverage apart from most of my Found Family Crime Etc. shows bc it’s much more… Heavily team-focused. While the others may feature a team, what I consider the officially ‘family’/the ‘main focus’ is usually at most three people. Leverage balances between five quite well and keeps up strong family ties and unique relationships between all of them that I don’t feel like it fits in the same class as the others, it’s got so much variety.

But more to the point, the relationship I find myself being particularly fascinated by on this go through is actually Nate and Eliot?? Like… Eliot’s loyalty to Nate and the different ways it manifests. You’ve got stuff like in the wedding episode, when Nate tells him to put the money into a different trunk than they planned, Eliot just double checks that he’s sure and then does it. Then you’ve got the moments where Eliot calls Nate out for stuff, or councils w/ Sophie about Nate’s behaviour, or how he’s the one that steps in when Nate and Sophie aren’t around. In the ep where Maggie’s arrested, he runs the rescue seamlessly and is the absolute picture of the competent, reliable lieutenant. Even just the way he’s often seen standing at Nate’s shoulder, as early as when they first pick up Sophie. Being the last to leave at the end of the ep w/ all the flashbacks about the dagger. Eliot used guns and killed for him and the rest of the team, and the fact that Nate’s the only one who knows and he keeps it a secret. Eliot being willing to kill again to keep Nate from doing it. Walks away from a football game to go help Parker bc Nate asked him to, right now. Eliot being the one to prompt Parker, then Hardison to go when Nate turns himself in.

Eliot is consistently portrayed as a very interesting, complex character w/ a checkered past who has an extensive reputation for being extensively dangerous. He doesn’t seem to have worked very long for anyone besides Moreau, some of them are even out for his blood. All in all not the kinda person that’s going to give out not just trust but loyalty easily—but he gives it to Nate (and yes, the whole team, but I’m being focused here); even after Nate hits his button of conning his team (though that’s probably foreshadowed by his eventually forgiving Sophie for the same), even when Nate’s being destructive. Eliot chains himself to Nate’s corner. And that’s just so interesting to me??

[vaspider]

Gonna ramble at you fair warning.

I had a conversation with my (very anti-drug psych nurse) parents a couple of nights ago. I told them all about why I put an ocean between us a decade ago and why I haven't spoken to my brother since before his 6 month old son was conceived. I told them how much everything had hurt and what growing up was like for me and how many times they fucked up and made it harder. I told them how angry I have been for the last 40 years, at the world, at them, at myself, at the dickhead in the wamart carpark who can't be arsed putting her shopping cart back and just leaves it behind parked cars...

I told them I've been taking psilocybin as a treatment for the last year and how well it's been working. They asked me to tell them honestly what I thought of them and I did. I told them what they did badly and what I think lead them to those choices. I told them what I thought their intent was in making those choices. I told them they were people, just like me.

Then my dad made his very first social media account and it's a secret one just for talking to me. We all cried a lot and said I love you lots of times - I tried to tell my mum I loved her once about 20 years ago and she thought I had had a brainfart and forgotten who I was talking to and she didn't believe I meant it for her until I reminded her of it during this conversation, my family DOES NOT SAY THAT.

I haven't been able to feel the ground under my feet for 2 days. The emotional weight I've dropped from my chest was holding me down so much and I never even realized it was there.

All of this started because the guy who organized the looting of what was left of our apartments after our building burned has been given a unit in our complex and he was sitting outside using a wooden box that I painted to store his drugs and smokes in. I lost that box in the fire. I thought I would have been angry about it but... Listen this guy is so pathetic. I can't even try to be angry about him. Watching him try to ingratiate himself into the community here is like watching a mangey raccoon try to trade you a dead leaf for the whole pizza you just had delivered. Fascinating but depressing if you think about the raccoon too much and ultimately not really anything to do with you personally, you just happen to be the person holding a pizza. I don't like him and I still don't want him here, but he definitely made his own bed and he has no idea how to get out of it. I don't need to see him punished anymore, he's making sure he suffers all by himself. I have no urge to try to stop it, but I don't need to see it either.

I think the change in attitude comes from reading a lot of your Jewish stuff. I was christened as a catholic at like 4 months old and that's about as much as I've had to do with any organized faith/religion/spirituality (I dunno none of those sound like the right word but it's something like that), but the things you say make so much sense. I'm glad there are belief systems out there that don't see their followers as a resource to exploit, they come out with some good shit when the actual goal really is community health.

Thank you for existing.

Look, I'm not going to say Judaism is perfect. It's made up of people, and people in large groups always find a way to fuck things up. That's the beauty and agony of humanity. We come up with some great ideas, and then we fuck them up!

But what I will say is that the ideals behind Judaism make so much more sense to me and make me happy to do my best to follow them. So like at least when I fuck up, I'm fucking up doing my best and trying to follow a mindset that I think makes sense and works for me.

I'm really glad that it has helped you and I'm so glad for this moment you've created for yourself. I'm really proud of you. I hope you can heal your relationship with your parents more.