#I feel like I need to get back to talk therapy simply to address the fact that I can’t make myself tag people.

[technetiumai]

Thank you so much for the tag @you-remind-me-of-the-babe! (Btw, if I’ve never said it before, your username literally makes me smile every single time I see it.)

So---ya’ know, at a certain point, if I feel like if I want to qualify every post with “this is a little weird”, it probably doesn’t actually need to be said 😆. 

This is from my Carry On Prompt Fest fic 🤣. Due nearly three months ago and still barely started. BUT I WILL COMPLETE IT. TIME AND CIRCUMSTANCE (and the fact that i’s way too late to appear on the list of people who participated in the fest 😅) CANNOT STOP ME! THIS IS A THING THAT I BELIEVE AND AM DEFINITELY NOT YELLING TO TRY TO CONVINCE MYSELF OF!

It’s called “Who’s Gently Awful Stirrings Seem to Speak...” (Because it’s a sequel to “He Who Fights Too Long Against Dragons...” so, obviously, it also had to have a name that was both a quote and way longer than any title has any right to be. Otherwise it would have been weird.)

Content warning for talking about viruses?

Anyway, here’s whatever this is:

Helpful contextual information:

It is important to understand that the individuals who tend to be colloquially referred to as “werewolves” are not magickal beings born to their particular sets of magickal characteristics. Rather, they are creatures (be they mundane or magickal) who have been exposed to a specific magickal virus. The term used to describe the virus known to produce these transformations, as it is discussed in this guide, will be “the lupine virus”, as this is generally considered its common name. This virus is transmitted by the transfer of bodily fluids, typically the saliva of an infected individual being introduced to the bloodstream of an uninfected individual. While the virus is most easily transmitted between members of the same species, it is also commonly passed between a variety of species (though its symptomatology manifests varyingly amongst these species). 

Step 1: Obtain the following:

A mage

Note, it is possible that the listed material is more specific than is necessary for most purposes. In reality, any unvaccinated human will be able to contract this virus. So, if one is contemplating the intentional infection of a creature, they need not limit themselves to mages in particular.

I really need to make that tag list. @cutestkilla, @captain-aralias, @fatalfangirl, @bookish-bogwitch, @onepintobean, @raenestee,  @ivelovedhimthroughworse... 

[princessamericachavez]

My thoughts about the Ted Lasso finale (no particular order)

The end montage was obviously Ted’s dream for the future and not even subtly so jot that down

Actually just gonna add that this is the show’s way of telling us the potential these characters have and what Ted wishes for them but without his presence it’s up to them now

Roy mouthing alone to Goodbye, Farewell broke me because he’s clearly the one who put together the choreography

Also Dani singing? My most beloved

Jaime and Roy clashing one last time might have pissed some people off but this was always a rock in their shoe that they needed to address and we see that their relationship can and will survive it

I like Rebecca’s romcom ending even if I wanted her to end with Ted.

Ted going back to his son was necessary and the whole point. He always blamed his father for abandoning them. When he came to Richmond he was all but running away from his family in hopes things would magically fix themselves. Instead, he put in the work and healed. But his biggest triggers were always connected to him missing his son’s life. In the end, Ted’s growth was the point so he could go back to them and be the best version of himself for them and for himself.

Ted not talking while Rebecca rambles was actually perfect. Old bitter Rebecca would’ve never opened up like that. But old Ted would’ve also rushed to reassure her or try to make a joke or cheer her up. This time, Ted lets her speak and then sticks to his guns, even if the truth is uncomfortable for others. He allows himself to do this for himself and not to please others.

Beard staying for Jane was foreseeable given the toxic codependent nature of their relationship. Happy perfect endings don’t exist. His story is still developing.

Furthermore, the real growth came from Beard letting himself choose something regardless of what Ted is doing and breaking himself free from a cycle of guilt and feeling in debt.

I know it was in the dream but god I hope Roy gets therapy. We did see the roots of him wanting to change and be better and accept the help he needs so he’s in the right path.

Keeley/Roy/Jamie is still endgame in my heart. Eventually. Once all three are in the right place.

The himbos singing made me cry. A lot.

Even if it was in the dream, if Jamie actually chose to reconnect to his dad somehow I think it wouldn’t be the end of the world. He would get to do it on his terms and only because he chose to have him in his life to some degree. Which might simply be being civil and talking from time to time, so long as his father keeps putting in the work to better himself and takes steps to make amends and apologize and acknowledge all his wrongs. Who knows. It’s an open ending.

Loved everything about the match.

Glad Van Damme got closure from Rani Dojas and that Dani acknowledged his part in what happened and tried to make amends.

CANT believe they made me feel sorry for George.

The cold open was a tease but I loved to see what could’ve been (and who says Ted and Rebecca didn’t find each other while running away from all that noise and one thing less t another…)

I wish we’d seen Sam’s restaurant and his cute chef one last time.

Actually wish we’d had a little bit of all the other himbos.

And finally

Finally

I… don’t think it was the series’s finale. I don’t know. I might be wrong but lately all interviews from the cast suggest deep down they hope something else will come and maybe they’ll be like “you know what, this story isn’t over” or something.

That last scene and the musical cue with Ted’s final shot felt so dissonant to me. Like there’s something still unfinished there.

I, like Roy Kent, have all my fingers crossed.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

what if there was a vampire therapist carlisle made edward go to after his attempted suicide?

BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Ahem, sorry, anon, it's just. Ah, that's so very beautiful for a few reasons.

Standard Disclaimer

Obviously, therapy is a wonderful thing as is taking care of your mental health. There's far too much stigma around mental health and therapy in popular culture and absolutely seek out a therapist when needed.

Now, with that, we can get into why I don't think this would be a miracle cure all for Edward.

Why is This a Bad Idea

The thing about therapy is that for it to truly be effective there are a few things required.

First, you have to be able to trust your therapist. You're potentially telling this person deep personal shit, often all the way back to your childhood, and uncovering things about yourself you may despise. It is a hard and grueling process to evaluate yourself and change for the better, and while by law a therapist cannot reveal your secrets you still want to be able to trust that person to truly help you and be sympathetic to you.

Second is that you have to recognize that there is a problem and you have to want to change and approach it even if it's not simply difficult but agonizing. People who are forced into going to therapy by well-meaning relatives/society are often very resistant to the entire concept and will make a point of not addressing what they need to. Sometimes, people are ready to acknowledge a problem, but they're not ready to do what they need to to face it or acknowledge what the problem is.

Which brings us to Edward Cullen.

First, who is he going to trust?

Edward can't talk to a human therapist as he'd have to talk in circles around the issues at hand. He wouldn't be able to discuss anything related to vampirism and while he might come up with decent metaphors he'd ultimately feel the human has no idea what they're talking about or truly understand why Edward was driven to suicide. Not to mention, of course, that Edward's quite contemptuous of us humans. He envies us from a distance but he tends to think of humans as slow, vapid, mayflies who simply do not match his intellectual prowess. He would instinctively feel better than whatever therapist they sat him in front of because, you see, Edward has five B.A.s which is more than the doctor's three degrees.

Then we get to vampires. First, even if there is a vampire psychologist, we're likely not looking at one who is up to date with modern research and therapy practices. Psychology, perhaps even more than medicine (and that's saying something), is a field that has undergone revolutionary changes within decades and has... some sketchy history. If we're looking at a psychologist who was turned around the time of Freud or even Jung and has been eating people and not paying attention to much research since... Not sure I'd recommend them as a therapist. Most importantly: Edward would know they're out of date and unable to get back up to date as most vampires can't integrate or even get close to human society as their control is that bad/they'd have no idea how to navigate a modern university library.

And worse than being out of date, they're not on the diet. If Edward's contemptuous of us humans he's extremely contemptuous of vampires not on the diet (to be fair, for a much more decent reason here). Even friends of the family, Edward sees a marked difference from those who embrace their vampirism and those who do not. Edward would be appalled at the very notion of being offered any kind of moral or advice period from a vampire who goes out and murders a human every two weeks.

That means that the therapist is either in the family (Rosalie with her twelve degrees) or is in the Denali. The family is obviously a terrible idea for so many reasons the least of which is your family member cannot be your therapist as they are too closely involved. (Adding to it that the qualified one, to a point, would probably be Rosalie and Edward's talking to the woman he thinks is a vapid, vain, shrew and telling her how awful she is to her face. It'd go well.)

The Denali, while a little better in that Edward trusts them and sees them as family, are still too close in that Edward would be horrified if their opinion of him lessened and if that news leaked to his family. He can't talk to them either.

So basically, Edward's out of therapists.

Even if he wasn't though, while Edward acknowledges consistently that he has issues in canon, he doesn't seem ready to address them and certainly not with other people. His self hatred is something he buries deep, only deeper is what he views as his vampiric self that lusts for human blood and calculated the cold blooded murder of Bella Swan.

Edward is terrified of himself and the last thing he wants to do is open that box up let alone with either a strange he doesn't respect or a beloved family member who can never ever know.

(Not to mention there wouldn't be any vampire psychologists/therapists as vampires are hedonistic individuals who don't even form a murder society who are either warring with each other, avoiding one another, or murdering their meals who look much like them every two weeks.

Look, they barely have a vampire doctor, and that's because Carlisle's fucking weird.)

Look, it's just never going to happen.

Slight Caveat/We Sort of See This

There is the fact that canonically Edward does ask his family the very awkward and terrible questions of how to make love to a breakable human woman to which they appear to give increasingly beautiful and bizarre answers but that's not the same thing as talking about Edward himself.

There's also Edward's many confrontations with Alice when, thanks to her visions, she has insight into what Edward may or may not do and historically doesn't judge him for it and even confronts him.

Edward also chose to have sex with Bella anyway even when it seems implied that Carlisle strongly suggested it was a very bad idea.

However, more often than not, he chooses not to listen to her as he respects her visions except when they tell him things he doesn't want to hear such as "you will either turn Bella or eat her". Then her visions don't count.

This is about as close as we ever get to Edward getting therapy.

But Alright, Carlisle Sends Edward to Uncle Eleazar

If we have to choose a candidate, then it's going to be one of the Denali. Trouble is, trouble's going down with the Denali post New Moon/During Eclipse in a very awkward way. See, Laurent was tragically murdered by shapeshifters, and when the Cullens pleaded for help in attacking the newborn army they refused as the Cullens wouldn't let them commit genocide. The Cullens then only survived likely because of the help of teenagers, because the Denali blew them off, and the Denali on their end didn't get to avenge Laurent.

So, there's really bad feeling on both sides. Obviously, this smooths over in time for the wedding but uh that felt very reconciliatory and awkward.

So, sending Edward up for therapy during all of this would be really weird if not spark a complete family feud that they never recover from.

Not only that, but Tanya infamously comes onto Edward every chance she gets (we even see this in Midnight Sun and it is hilarious), so... Tanya's right out. Irina is also in deep mourning over Laurent so she's out. Kate is likely still very upset about the not murdering the shapeshifters thing which means...

Eleazar's probably the likely choice.

Eleazar in canon is presented as kind of Bizarro Carlisle. He had a similar history of spending some time with the Volturi, he's an intellectual as well, and is also at least presented as an extreme pacifist. Edward directly compares him to Carlisle and has a lot of respect for him canonically and welcomes his input.

I have no canon to back me up, but if any of the Denali would present themselves as qualified to be a therapist, it'd be Eleazar. He'd also likely point to his time spent evaluating gifts as a kind of coaching people through.. things... (Is he qualified, probably not, but that's not important).

So, we have our therapist who is qualified(?), doesn't eat humans, whom Edward respects, and who isn't considered a 'direct' family member that Edward may feel he's able to open up to (especially as Eleazar was in the Volturi, had started off the diet, so can understand things like blood lust.)

However, even taking out @therealvinelle and my constant unfounded slandering of Eleazar, I doubt this would work out as neither would delve into what's really Edward's problem.

Edward would blame his suicidal tendencies on being a vampire: he is a demon ergo there is no purpose to his life and if Bella dies so does he. I just imagine Eleazar shrugging and acknowledging that yes, life is sad sometimes, and losing a mate is sad and hey did you hear about Marcus?

I just don't get them really digging into the why of why Edward wanted to kill himself so badly. It's not something either would want to confront and on the surface, it looks like they have their answer: Edward views vampirism as so loathsome that he can't turn Bella and he can't exist without her. Ergo. Death.

The only thing that changes is Edward spends a weekend in Denali at some point during Eclipse.

[circular-bircular]

Clearing The Air About Sophie

I mean, since she posted something, and since I still get regular asks about her, and since we’ve had a whole grudge and personal feud thing going on for (months? years? time is an illusion to those of us with trauma based amnesia), I do kind of want to respond. Going to put it under a cut for all those uninterested in Sophiecourse.

Side note: This isn’t for Sophie. Like she says on her post, this isn’t an olive branch. It’s just… Getting thoughts and feelings out.

TL;DR: I actually agree with what she said about my personality flaws, I know them and work on them in therapy! I don’t hate Sophie, and I don’t really hate anyone else for that matter. I believe everyone needs chances to grow and change – transphobic, fakeclaiming assholes too. I’m tired of people punching at the mods of SAS who try their best and are pro-endo. I’m tired of people lumping me in with anti-endos when I really do not hang out that much with them. I’m tired of hearing the term “hate-group” thrown around because it has a very different definition than what’s being used and also I am white and privileged I should not be the voice on this! I’m tired of people yelling about SN when I’m not even in that server any longer. And, most of all, I’m tired of people dragging this drama on continuously in the public eye. Let it fucking rest, and please let this be the final essay I have to write about the topic.

Firstly, I want to address: A lot of what Sophie says is absolutely correct. I am loyal to a fault. I have allowed myself to get into a lot of situations that are incredibly fucking harmful, all in the name of being loyal to either a cause or a friendship.

This has led to me being set so far back in my recover lately that I’ve flinched at my partner touching me, split a new part in August of this year, and started obsessively stalking blogs again in the desperate need to know everything, just to appease anyone who might be curious.

I also agree that I mean… I really don’t hate Sophie. I hate a lot of her actions, and a lot of her takes, but I don’t hate her. I simply don’t hate people. It isn’t in my nature. I have a very intense dislike for her, but as she said – coke and mentos. I would likely go “oil and water,” but I think coke and mentos fits more, given my propensity for exploding. Trauma does shake one up.

Secondly: I want to address some of the negatives she’s said that I disagree with, or I feel her personal grudges might be impacting too much.

That’s how I see SAS, who will adopt labels like “syscourse enraged” or “pro syscourse conversation” on Tumblr, while their partner heads over to r/systemscringe to tell the anti-endos that SAS is “100% anti-endo” so they can get that sweet r/systemscringe demographic. SAS’s stance is whatever they think will convince the most people to listen to them.

I would greatly appreciate if people were to stop lumping SAS under that anti-endo label as well, as me and the person they’re actually referring to (Dude) agree on many things (and yes, disagree as well, as is only healthy in a fucking friendship). People so frequently ignore the things SAS has posted about endogenic systems that acknowledges their existence, while simultaneously condemning the entire mod team for the actions of… [checks] a singlet on reddit?

I would not be friends with the mods of SAS if their beliefs fundamentally opposed mine. If any of them were regularly fakeclaimers, harassers, or doxxers, I would be blasting them on each of my blogs that I could, with screenshotted proof (as I tend to do). The fact is, none of them are anti-endo. The one I would say fits closest to that label is Mod Signal, who’s opinions on endos seems to simply be, “god, I don’t want to fucking talk about that, can I PLEASE talk about the etymology of the word dissociative and the intersection of POC and medical spaces?” (Signal, you can correct me if I’m wrong on that, I just feel that’s the vibes).

The fact of the matter is, SAS – every mod there – is a traumatized individual who has made countless mistakes. I disagree with a lot of what Mod Dude has done and said, but not in such a way that it makes me ignore the words being said. He genuinely wants people to live their best lives and recover, while also groaning and laughing at the frankly ridiculous ableism in the world. And he calls that out, and points it out, and tries to clarify.

I don’t find that bad. There’s a reason why we’re friends.

Say, for instance, your friend is under fire for fakeclaiming and transphobia, and your response is to come up with a list of things the victim said to deserve it.

Sigh.

I am no longer a moderator at the Survivor’s Network. At the time of the post Sophie is referring to here, where the user fakeclaimed her with vicious transphobia, I wasn’t online, nor active in the server – I was busy that day, and couldn’t be attentive. I’ve raked myself over the coals endlessly about not being present 24/7 to discuss every last take coming from individuals in that server due to this obsession tumblr has had that any take from SN was clearly supported by everyone there.

It wasn’t.

I nearly left that day, and only stuck around because (as Sophie herself said) I am intensely loyal. And the individual took a step back, and when they came back, some new fire needed putting out. They had lost all memory of the post in question – and I had as well. It’s unfortunate.

When the post resurfaced, the user in question was guilt stricken and absolutely mortified that they had done that. This does not excuse the behavior. They could identify which part had gotten triggered enough to say that, and what led to them being triggered from her blog. This does not excuse the behavior. They wrote an apology to the server, as their actions now (somehow, someway) reflected on every individual in the server, and (more importantly, and accurately) apologized for how their actions might be making the server members feel unsafe. This does not excuse the behavior.

The “making excuses” she lists is the list of things I wrote out while in an incredibly triggered state where I tried to provide context for what could make an individual state such heinous, disgusting things about another person. Because I do not hate others. Not even transphobic, fakeclaiming assholes. They are all simply people, and I understood why this happened. I did not defend the action, but I defended the person. He didn’t deserve hatred; he deserved the chance to redeem himself.

Perhaps I’m too kind. But I believe everyone deserves chances to change. And given that he immediately privated the post (but not deleted, so that if people had questions, he still had the post to show them so he could prove his transgressions), stepped back massively from syscourse, and started discussing more about the self care he was doing to become a less hateful person, I believed he was making that change.

When the place this individual made alongside my friends came under fire for things that were complete fabrications and lies, I included that list in the document detailing each and every allegation. For transparency. Just like the document stated. I also wrote that piece while, once again, triggered and dissociated out of my mind. I was fully in my headspace, as a new part who did not even know her name, and having just abandoned everyone I knew and loved from Survivor’s Network.

I am no longer friends with that individual. Please do not lump me in with that space any longer, as they deserve better than syscourse drama in a space that is dedicated to growth and healing.

I will say this again, for those who did not hear: I do not, and never will, condone transphobia or fakeclaiming of others, regardless of your beliefs about them. Everyone deserves a baseline of respect. No matter their beliefs about anyone else, they deserve basic respect.

I have been harassed endlessly for that belief. It genuinely hurts the amount of times I’ve been accused now of defending transphobia, bullying, harassment, and fakeclaiming (not just from Sophie, but from various hate anons I’ve blocked or the countless plural servers I am no longer allowed to venture into due to being banned for “my actions” when they weren’t mine to begin with). I am not that person, and I’m so tired of being painted that way due to my desire to give people second chances.

Ugh. Anyways.

(Again though, this is only my opinion as an outside observer. And there could very likely be private conversations about their friends’ conduct I don’t see because it would be handled in DMs.)

This is fully accurate, and I wanted to highlight this for everyone in syscourse.

The majority of my syscourse takes place on discord. I’m always hovering between around 7 and 12 system servers that I’m present in at any given time. I’ve always used online spaces as a dissociative crutch to try and help myself focus on something while also dissociating, without losing myself entirely. According to my phone, while I get the most notifications from Tumblr (825 daily, on average), I spend around an hour a day on Discord at least. (Fun Fact: Since leaving SN, I now spend an average of 4 hours on my phone, which is down from 5-7 hours daily! Progress!) Discord is also the first thing I open each day, and I read through all of the servers I usually check for.

I conduct a lot of conversation in private. I don’t feel that the majority of this sort of… business… should be on a public forum like Tumblr. Honestly, I’ve frequently lamented about the fact that Sophie isn’t on Discord much (I’ve been in servers where she was banned due to inactivity) because I feel like I have such better communication there. There’s more time to have a back and forth, rather than these essay long posts that drain my energy and take me days to write (usually).

I do call people out in DMs. I have ticketed a lot of spaces I’m in to discuss with mods the actions of other users, to clarify for myself if I am being triggered, if I’m squicked out, or if I am in the right and they are acting inappropriately. I have blocked many individuals on Discord.

What you see on Tumblr is one of two things: carefully filtered, but edited for passion and attempting to sound as clear as possible, or not filtered in the slightest while highly charged. This post is one of the latter ones, believe it or not. The length of the post doesn’t change the feeling behind it!

The fact is, I can only really call out pro-endos… here. Because I am banned from so many pro-endo spaces… for… calling out. Pro-endos. And discussing their posts in servers that are condemned (wrongfully) of being collections of people in hate groups. Therefore supporting hate groups.

See the issue? It’s a never ending cycle.

I’m trying to join more endogenic oriented spaces currently, but… we’ll see. I find them incredibly stressful for my system, due to past experiences and the increasing need of people to find the “label” that fits others, but. We’ll see.

I’ll still use scare quotes when mentioning their syscourse alignment because I find them to often be out of touch with the endogenic community and our interests.

See above. It’s incredibly difficult to view and understand the endogenic community when each one immediately declares you a fakeclaiming bigot who supports hate groups…

I think because of their friendship with anti-endos, they still want to try to appease both sides as much as possible.

I want to write more about this at the end of the post, but believe it or not… I’m really not friends with many anti-endos. I think I can name 2 off the top of my head who actually do not believe in endogenic systems. And of those two, I only share a server with one.

I don’t believe there’s a world where endogenic systems and anti-endos can both find total acceptance

Hmm.

You know?

I don’t really disagree with this point as much as some may believe.

I actually do want the entire world, one day (or at least, the relevant people in the world) to agree that endogenic systems exist. I fully want anti-endo, as a label, to go away, and I want people to open their eyes and fucking understand what endogenic systems are actually about.

I do not believe there will be a world where anti-endos will continue to be a norm, and I think those who insist on crying about how there’s “people faking having a disorder” need to actually… you know… look. At the evidence we have so far (which is not much, I will admit, but is still there) and at the experiences people are having (which is far more telling and vast). I do not believe that there will be a world where anti-endos and endos can fully co-exist with everyone feeling safe and happy together.

I also do not think that is bad.

There is no such thing as a completely safe, tolerant space. Regardless of someone’s wishes or beliefs, we cannot all be together. We cannot all believe the same things. My heavy Christian upbringing has led to even my own system being at odds with its spiritual beliefs; I am a demonic protector who regularly talks to an angelic part, who both keep an eye on our demonic persecutor, and all three of us have different religious beliefs.

We cannot believe the same things. We will disagree.

That does not mean we cannot work together, cooperate, and exist in the same spaces. I think we need to learn how to, actually, in order for the more ideal “no more anti-endos” future to come to be. If anti-endos are not accepted as people, are not welcomed in by kind endogenic or pro-endos (like I was), then how would they ever learn?

Not that people need to risk their safety like that. I would never want that. But for those individuals who can handle that burden… I feel it is needed.

But this is all beside the point. That’s a good syscourse post for another day.

Circ doesn’t like me calling anti-endos a hate group because, in my (again, outside) opinion, they’re friends with anti-endos and don’t see how the people they’re friends with could possibly be part of a hate group.

I do not like people referring to anti-endos as a hate group due to them not fitting the definition of a hate group. I don’t like it because my POC friends (both neutral, pro-endo, and unaligned) have felt spoken over by others who insist that the actions of anti-endos are somehow comparable to the actions of groups like Nazis and the KKK.

Just a quick google search:

Anti-endos are not a cohesive organization or group, and does not have equal goals across the board. I believe extremist anti-endos could potentially fall under the label of having a goal, but they are disorganized. “The group itself must have some hate-based purpose.” Most anti-endos I have had both the pleasure and displeasure of knowing… just want to be left alone. And for those who do not want that, I call them out regularly on tumblr.

What leaders? What official statements? Again, this is vastly different from groups with an actual creed or motto, groups who are a real crisis in today’s life. Some asshole on tumblr who is rambling about “The People Faking A Disorder!!1!!” is not systematically oppressing endogenic systems. They are not killing them in the streets, or dragging them behind cars via rope (an event I will not be forgetting soon as a queer individual).

Okay, if we use this definition, I could see it. I could see someone calling anti-endos a social group that practices hostility. But that is assuming that every individual who uses the label anti-endo agrees with everyone else in that social group. Which is not the case.

There’s three options, all of which, I could only loosely tie to the term hate-group.

Regardless: It is not my fucking place. I am so incredibly privileged. While I live in fear to hold my partner’s hand in public, queer rights have come leaps and bounds from where they used to be, particularly in the incredibly democratic state I live in. There are individuals who are being killed daily for their race, gender, sexuality, religion, nationality, ethnicity – any element of identity – and I do not have that same sort of fear. It is not nearly as much of a reality for me as it is for others.

That’s why I uplift and repeat those calls that POC around me say. Those POC, again, are not anti-endos. They are pro-endo, predominately. I’ve also had many “endo uninterested” friends, to quote a few.

I do not like calling anti-endos a hate group because I do not believe they are one.

(Not saying this is the only reason they dislike me, obviously. I’m certain they can find lots of other reasons. But it does seem a recurrent theme that these are the topics that make them the most heated.)

There are many more reasons, you are correct! I do believe that there are some that make me far more heated. I just also don’t think saying them here would be any benefit. I’ve already aired out my issues with you on my completely privated side blog, which nobody can see.

That doesn’t need to be public, and hopefully never will be.

And of course, the SN document which included many outright lies or just massively twisted my past statements.

I tried to display everything I saw from Sophie’s blog as I saw it at the time, based on how the individual who fakeclaimed her read them. This is how they were viewed. That isn’t a lie – that’s how they were interpreted.

Also – I was not the only person who wrote that document. I abandoned that document before finishing it, tossing it to the very few current moderators who were left after working on it for a straight week. I cannot, at this point in time, recall what I wrote on it. For all I know, they bastardized what was written and changed every last word.

(They wouldn’t do that. They cared about getting the truth out as clearly as possible. Everything that was on that document should be the fullest, clearest interpretation of events from our perspectives. Nonetheless – I have no recollection of the details that were written anymore, beyond I think some of the section titles, and the allegations that were directed directly toward me).

I’m so tired of people saying I’m lying about what I read. I’m sorry, now, that I didn’t go back through again while on my vacation in August to link to each and every claim I made, to provide the context of the posts. I’m also glad I prioritized my mental health.

Particularly: if I read things that badly, it’s very clear I was far too triggered to be handling those topics in the first place.

And good lord, yes, everything you said at the end, though I’ll address the reverse as I know I have a wider anti-endo audience on my blog:

Do not fucking send hatred to Sophie. Do not go rallying against her. This is what I said on my callout post about her over a year ago, now. Do not interact with Sophie.

That isn’t about her. It’s about you. (At the time, it might have been about her – I abandoned MotCR for a reason. I was a dick back then, and while I stand by the call to action, I actually don’t necessarily stand by that post any longer. But I very rarely delete posts, so people can hold me accountable).

Sophie’s content often triggers those of us with trauma related to many topics – endogenic systems, tulpamancy, racism, spirituality, hallucinations, religion, and many other topics. She discusses those topics in conjunction with endogenic systems.

Someone who triggers you by talking about something that triggers you is not worthy of harassment. Nobody is worthy of harassment.

Someone you feel is spreading misinformation is not worthy of harassment. Nobody is worthy of harassment.

Stop fucking bringing me up to her! Stop bringing her up to me! I’ve said it so many times! I’ve begged her not to post asks about me in the past, but it’s just. Unavoidable when we share the same spaces, at this point, for us not to see each other’s posts. And when I see things, I address them, because that’s the point of a discourse space.

But you all are only harming everyone by trying to “defend” those you care about. Including those you care about! Have faith that the individuals you are trying to support can support themselves. Dragging my name into people’s inboxes to try and support me only continues drama that I would rather be left well enough alone, buried deep in the amnesic recesses of my mind.

Normalizing hatred toward Sophie will normalize pro-endos sending hate to those they view as Not One Of Them. This has happened before and will happen again if it becomes the norm. Pro-endos have been harassed to deletion and even death. Anti-endos have experienced the same.

Stop fucking doing it.

…

And for the last point, as an aside at the end, I have a genuine question.

How many anti-endo friends do you people think I actually have?

When I mention my anti-endo friends, I typically mean… like… 5. Max. And that number has severely dwindled, both due to the fact that I’ve made a lot more people open to endogenic plurality, and due to the fact that I’ve cut many individuals off.

I do not have many anti-endo friends. And of those friends I have, we don’t really discuss any syscourse. I have, I believe, one anti-endo friend at this point whom I share a server with. We discuss very little as we are both fairly inactive in that server. I believe the most recent discussion was “is it morally okay to steal from a big super market” (yes) and “what should I get for christmas this year” (thanks for the suggestion on the diamond painting, I’m kinda looking forward to it if I get it!)

The majority of anti-endos don’t like me. They don’t interact with me. Those that do often find themselves no longer identifying as anti-endo, or already didn’t blast their syscourse stance everywhere in the first place.

The anti-endos I do associate with are the kind that simply want a space away from Endogenic systems. They admit endos exist. They simply don’t want endos around them, and find that the anti-endo label is a quick and easy way to get endos to stay far away. (Huh, it all circles back to that “we should be more accepting of others, regardless of label” idea…)

Look. At the end of the day, one thing remains true: me and Sophie do not need to get along. She will continue arguing against the takes I make that she disagrees with, and I will continue arguing against hers. Honestly, that is far, far healthier than what was happening when I was trying desperately to avoid mentioning her at all. I feel now that I can actually engage in the discussions happening. There’s a lot of reasons for that -- the biggest I think being that I really could not give a rats ass about this topic anymore. I don’t care about what she posts.

The majority of what she posts nowadays are either vagueposts or takes about plurality, which I think is fine and dandy. It’s not my territory, and if I have problems or thoughts, I’ll typically post them on my own. Which I have been! Remarkably, our takes can often exist in conjunction.

Me and Sophie are not at war with each other. It’s more “you stay in your corner and I’ll stay in mine.”

Please let us keep it that way?

[curioussubjects]

Ok so I have some spnwin-spn connection spec I wanna share with y'all from back when @alwaysanoriginal were spiraling over some interview about The Winchesters (as we do). The second to last question is about John's journal being created, which of course made me think of plot hole vampmimes. Of course.

Or maybe not so plothole-y?

That was mostly a joke, though I did hope tonight was going to maybe for the lolz address that. Well, little did I know because that old convo continued with this:

DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF ANYTHING YOU WATCHED TONIGHT

DOES IT

Char, then, decided to come for me in the night and point out that the Running on Empty montage in 19 has some pretty choice scenes featuring Changing Channels, Wayward Sisters and the AU rift, Dean time traveling, and The Heroes' Journey (which I always argued was essentially the intended finale metaphorically).

Side note: sorry to expose y'all to my private ravings lol

A lot of this actually comes back to a point Billie made in s15 about Chuck building reality with himself at the center to keep it ticking. So how can you possibly beat him? By letting him think he won. I can't help but remember that delightful line from Dean in s12: "‘Cause we’re not trapped out here with you. You’re trapped out here with us." You know, that one time Dean and Sam pulled a death gambit to escape a black ops site.

But back to The Winchesters: last week we had Carlos refusing to play Loki's game (a god who can affect reality, or one's perception thereof) and winning. But to do so, he had to put his life on the line. He had to be willing to lose everything. By the way, I am once again feeling very emotional about Carlos saying he sacrificed everything for hunting, but he gained so much more because that's it! That's the thing! So yeah...cue Carlos singing Hard Times Come Again No More to his family.

This week John is the one with the seemingly inescapable fate of death (courtesy of vampires because of course), and while he doesn't tap out of the game, he realizes he knows nothing about the context of what he saw. He only got half the story, and the rest was up to him. It's appropriate, too, that this week we get another Supernatural classic with Mary reassuring John that they will find another way. And yeah, John does and wins.

And, I mean, if we're talking fate and god and gambles, why not remember a nifty piece of advice Sam and Dean received from Fortuna in The Gamblers: “Don’t play his game. Make him play yours.”

My point is if we look at 19 and 20 much like we would a vision from an amulet, none of the plot of Supernatural needs to change. It's fated. But as Millie says, and John says, and Dean say: fate is what you make it. And if The Winchesters is about how Sam and Dean became the Winchesters, then what else is this show but the context we've been missing all along.

(send this man to stan jail tbh)

[also what is more Winchester stupid than the cosmic consequences of saving your family...like...say...releasing the Darkness or...causing an Akrida infestation...though who knows that could've been on purpose for reasons. I'm putting nothing past spnwin.]

Don't ask me how Dean goes from pulling a death gambit to get into heaven to time travelling to tweak with his parents' past. We're through the looking glass here people and we'll simply have to wait and see -- but the puzzle is for sure getting less mysterious. Something free will, knowledge, family, and Growth, something. Therapy. You know, The Winchesters.

Or I'm totally off the mark and I'll have egg for face who's to say, but for now, as a treat, I'm feeling very

[alfonzone]

how do you deal with depression and loneliness?

I think it's difficult to answer this because everyone deals with them differently and my way might not work for you, but I'll try to make sense and give you an insight to how I "deal" with these two aspects.

I'm actually kinda of appreciative that you ask because I've been thinking about what my therapist asked me to do in cutting everyone out of my life in certain social media ie Snapchat and Instagram. The next visit will be wether I'm able/willing to do that. I'm mentioning that because it corelates to my sadness and loneliness.

I don't mean to be too open so I'll try to not be irresponsible with my privacy.

There's different ways I've learned to deal with both loneliness and depression simultaneously. Wait- let's get one thing clear, it hurts. Always dealing with it.

Mental illness can get and is messy sometimes. In fact, fighting for your mental health is almost never something shown to the public, it's not celebrated, truth be told, it’s something that is mostly regarded as uninteresting, yet it’s the greatest challenge someone might face.

Personally, it's something heavy that would always eat away at me. I couldn't think clearly. Sometimes I even felt like I couldn't breathe. It got to the point where I would even disregard all the help of those that were trying to be there for me. I don't know why.. I guess everything felt hopeless, and meaningless. I thought that if I glorified this feeling of not wanting to be here, of wanting to disappear, it would help ease the pain. I was wrong, of course, but I felt shame in admitting to those around me that cared for me that I was struggling, that I needed help. Depression in most cases, is a silent killer.

However, thankfully, I was able to cope with this.. struggle. It not always easy, in fact, sometimes it felt like lonely journey. However, it can be an enlightening and blessing one to say. I apologize if this sounds like I'm gloating. I promise that I'm not trying to that. Sometimes it's difficult to give yourself credit so I'm simply trying to acknowledge and express how proud I am of myself for how far I've come and just how much I'm trying to make ground for the life I've neglected.

There's this barren part inside me that I've been telling myself that I don't want to go back to, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that it's wiser for me to step into that desolated place and slowly begin to water it. I'll stand there and inhale all that shame, hurt, loneliness, anger, sadness, uncertainty, resentment, and the suicidal ideation in me and then exhale out kindness, curiosity, joy, excitement, determination, resiliency, courage, hope, and love untill that's all I keep breathing in and out. It won't be easy but I'm hoping through therapy, I can walk through that part of my instead of avoiding it. Not to forget about it, but to embrace, acknowledge, and tell it that I care that I messed up, that I'm sorry, and although I can't change the past, I can focus on the future by mending that part of me so it no longer a barren side of my life but hopefully a meadow of positivity.

That's 👆🏽 actually what I'm going to talk to my therapist to help me address it. We briefly talked about it, but every time I talk about it I cry (I'm crying typing this). But I feel as though it's something worth.. aiding.

Try to reach out to someone if you can, anon. If you can't, know this: it won't always be that way. If you're currently struggling with depression and loneliness, I believe that you can mend it. Find resources, hobbies, but most importantly, practice coping methods that help you ease the struggle of depression and loneliness. I know that therapy might not be for everyone, but I advise you to please give it an opportunity of you haven't yet. Please reach out. Please try to remind yourself of your worth in this world. Take each day as they come and find ways to make it a good one.

Setbacks are part of life, but you keep trying to "look up" and remind yourself that life is a blessing. That it's not as bad as you might feel it is.

As for loneliness? Sigh, I feel alone right now, but sometimes that a phase in life some of us will have to go through. Become your own best friend. Do the things that will bring you joy. Appreciating your own company makes the loneliness part more bearable.

And maybe someday, you'll make new friends and even find a favorite person? Who knows? I just know that loneliness is something you can embrace or dread. Choose wisely.

I wish I could help, anon. I'll be rooting for you, okay?

I rambled like a fool and I don't know if I made sense.

Here ♥️♥️♥️

Thank you for the ask, anon. You got this 😊😊

[americanphancakes]

I wanna talk about my mind for a little bit

I was gonna save this until after I posted the last Wingless Angel chapter but I can’t post it yet. Pretty sure my mind wants me to get this out of my system first.

So hi everyone, how are you? How have you been? Honestly if you’re still following at all I’m delighted.

I don’t want this to come across as some excuse for all the unfinished fanfic I left behind 3+ years ago, which is why I wanted to publish WA first, so I hope you don’t take it that way. But I ended up stumbling upon an aspect of my mental health that I’m still trying to address and since I never really saw anyone post or talk about my particular issue before very recently, I wanted to share it in case it resonates with anyone.

(Clearly stuff has changed, this is where I'd normally put a "read more" but.... I guess that's not a thing anymore?? Hopefully this isn't a huge annoying wall of text on everyone's dash, oof.)

I’ve posted before about my ADHD. I’ve been getting treatment for it for 10 years now, and for all that time, medication & other coping mechanisms have been helpful to a point, but only to a point. There was still something left that was keeping me from functioning, and I couldn’t tell what it was. All I knew was that I had no will of my own, and I’d spent the last 10 years trying to create situations where the people in charge were asking (or implying that i should do) things I considered good to do. “People in charge” meant anyone besides myself. If someone was not me, they automatically had authority, simply by virtue of being someone external to me.

I did a lot of research trying to find something that matched up with my experiences & feelings, even partially, and I looked into things like PDA autism and even just the people-pleasing habits common with other ADHD folks.

At some point, with therapy, I did learn how to say “no” to other people’s demands of me. I learned to set boundaries. But I was still profoundly uncomfortable with dictating what I was going to do, especially if anyone else was ever going to be aware of it.

When I was a little kid, i was told “no” constantly, and that’s not hyperbole. I’ve cited the story many times of falling in love with the violin when I was 9 but immediately being told “No, you’re going to play the flute.” So I played the flute, but without any passion for it I couldn’t figure it out and I quit, and my mom never stopped making me feel guilty about it. But that wasn’t the only example of that kind of thing. I wanted to play soccer; mom said play basketball, so I played basketball. I wanted to play piano; mom bought me a guitar and my sister got the electronic keyboard. (We eventually switched, but I never felt like I could fully commit to playing the thing). I wanted to learn Spanish or Japanese in high school; mom told me to learn French, so I took four fucking years of French.

My feelings and wishes were effectively not a factor in what I was allowed to do, what goals I was allowed to pursue, unless I was staying in my room and out of everyone’s way (and even then I had to make sure I jumped up to do what was asked of me if I got called from another room). Eventually I learned, as a survival mechanism, to just obey. It wasn’t worth fighting anymore because I was systematically robbed of my individuality at every turn. Something happened when I was 13 that I will never talk about publicly and she played "good parent who has her kid's back" for about 5 minutes before siding with the bad guy. I brought it up years later and she was mad I'd never gotten over it. And all that is on top of being raised to be a "good little capitalist drone" who needs to be perfect and efficient at all times. I was never supported. I was never given grace. So I never gave grace to myself, because if your own parents don't give you grace & time to learn and be flawed, then clearly you don't deserve any, right?

I finally cut my mother out of my life not long after the pandemic began, a few months after having gone no-contact from my father (mostly due to his casual racism & transphobia, which cost me at least one very close friendship when I was a kid, and was unkind to my child in a way I could not abide). My immediate family - spouse and kid - are the only family I have left now. And it sounds tragic on paper, because it is, but until I finally got away from my mother's voice in real life I couldn't filter through the recordings of her voice in my mind so I could finally throw them away. And that knot is still being untied. Honestly this is 10 years into a very long mental health journey, when you think about it, but I wish I'd cut my mom out of my life a very very long time ago. I wasn't angry about lost time when I got my ADHD diagnosis. I was angry about it when I realized that yes, this had been abuse, and I hadn't been courageous enough to get away from it sooner.

Because that dehumanization resulted in me having no will power of my own, and that extended as far as simply not wanting anything anymore. I like things, sure, but anything I WANTED for myself was out of the question, especially if it involved other people in any way, but honestly even solo pursuits became impossible for me to will myself to do. For right now, when I have something I want to do, I'm telling my friends & husband to order me to do it. Because I won't do it otherwise. And it's a potentially dangerous workaround, but it's all I have for now. I and my therapist are hoping that once my brain registers that what other people are telling me to do is aligned with what I want to do, maybe it won't depend on other people's commands anymore and I'll just take control of my own life for once. But that may not work. I'll have to wait and see.

So what does this have to do with my abandoned fics? Well, it had started to become more difficult to write because the adhd "shinyness" was wearing off anyway, but I'd been doing a good job of pushing past it because people liked what I was writing. I could see my skill getting better, and engagement was going up, and that was really motivating. But then... I stopped writing fic all of a sudden because someone made a post about finding it shitty when writers wrote about COVID in their fics, and.... that was sort of a last straw that broke me, because I do exactly that in the last WA chapter. So I just turned tail and ran away. I tried to push through and write & publish the chapter anyway, because it was the LAST chapter and I knew people were waiting on it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even having OSBB obligations didn't get me writing again, and given that obligation, the shame I felt about not having finished those stories weighed on me so badly that I couldn't even interact with you guys on Instagram, despite you having been so kind to me in the past. Let's face it, that goes WAY beyond adhd rejection sensitivity, that's a trauma response. I saw one bit of honestly well-reasoned critique of work that wasn't even mine, and I just ran. Immediately I felt like I was no longer allowed to take up space here. I felt unwelcome here in this corner of the internet world, just as I have always felt like I wasn't allowed to take up space in the physical world for almost my ENTIRE life. And the shame I already feel about myself normally was compounded by what I felt was a cowardly thing to do, which prevented me from returning. Now that I've accepted that, yes, I am an abuse victim whose life has been MASSIVELY and MAJORLY affected by that childhood trauma, I'm finally able to address it properly. Over the last few weeks I've been changing the direction of my therapy and my self-talk (reparenting yourself is HARD) and I'm feeling some improvement, but progress isn't linear so my burst of motivation the other night fizzled out, and I'm genuinely sorry for that.

So... yeah, I'm trying to come back and get those fics finished. I'm grateful for any of you willing to be patient with me. Consciously I KNOW I deserve any support willingly given to me by any of you, but I FEEL like I don't. So yeah. Thanks. <3

[junebugwriter]

Disabilities I

Since I have some time, I'll tell you all a bit about what the deal is with my disability, and why I am writing about disability in my dissertation.

Back in 2012, I got into a car accident. My girlfriend (now wife) was in the car with me, but I bore the brunt of the impact, and as a result, got some moderate spinal damage. That resulted in me going to physical therapy for a few months, but the lasting damage resulted in fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia isn't so much as a single disease, as it is a cluster of related symptoms that don't neatly fit into one classification or particular syndrome. It's more like, "you don't have x, y, or z, but you have all the same symptoms, so we're going to put you in the big bin that's labeled TO BE SORTED LATER." This is gross simplification, of course, but it's close enough for jazz.

Fibromyalgia is mostly related to a conjunction of hyperactive and inflamed nerves, chronic fatigue, and chronic pain. My body thinks I have an infection or an injury, but there is none there, so I get all the lovely side effects of my body fighting off or healing itself without the benefit of actually healing or fighting off an illness. It's not great! It's often comorbid with depression and anxiety, which I also have.

Really, the only reason I was able to get the fibro diagnosis was because my partner ALSO has fibro, and the only reason she knows she has it is because her sister has it! No one thing causes it, but it is often related to genetics or physical trauma. She saw all the signs of it in me, got me to see a rheumatologist, and sure enough, I have all the signs of fibro.

What I struggle most with is with the nerves and the exhaustion. I have chronic fatigue, and the rest I get from sleep isn't all that restorative. Whereas most people tend to wake up rested, I wake up more or less the same amount of tired a regular person feels before going to sleep.

I'm relatively lucky, to be honest. I'm able to manage my pain and such with medication. I'm even able to go to the gym a few times a week, energy permitting. But that takes a lot of effort, and I probably don't see all the benefits a regular person would get from exercise because of a cluster of reasons, related to my thyroid, fibro, and other things.

Oh, and just this past year, I've gotten serious about addressing my latent ADHD. I've had it all my life, but the difference now is that I'm trying to write a goddamn book, and that takes a lot more mental energy and organization than I usually have. This may be needed to addressed in another post, but the fact of the matter is, I'm taking a lot longer to write this thing than most people, partly because I'm working full time, and partly because my brain simply does not work like most neurotypical brains and requires a lot more effort to simply write one page whereas others might be able to knock out much more in a night than I would with the same amount of effort.

So there's my disabilities as they stand. I'll probably try to talk a bit more about them in future posts. It's an ongoing conversation, but having been diagnosed with disabilities like this has given me a much greater focus on the issues disabled folks face in society, and in my case, the church.

Writing about disability is both freeing but also complicated. Nobody experiences the same disability the same way, and can be affected by comorbidities that result in different experiences. I'll try to be as honest about my struggles with disability as possible, because it's good to get these stories out into the world and out of my brain. But also? We shouldn't be afraid to talk about our disabilities. In all statistical likelihood, you will be affected by a disability, either in your life or in a loved one's life. So it's good to be honest about struggles and joys related to disability, because if we can normalize it, we can understand each other better and work together to form a better community. One that treats each other as co-equal humans, worthy of love and respect.

[cosmictulips]

Miss Tulips, I'm here to rant. But I'll keep it short. I have no friends lol. Okay that's not true. I have disorganised attachment style and I knew I was avoidant but I didn't find specific details until recently. I'm fearful avoidant. It's just so freaking hard to be vulnerable, to ask for help etc. But I try. I didn't do that before but now I atleast try. But the way I'm trying goes unnoticed even by those who are aware of who I am. It's so frustrating. Especially because I spent hours talking to my friends and listening to them, trying to be there as much as I can emotionally even when I'm clueless most of the time. But for me, there's no such person. There's no one I can approach. Everybody is busy. Or even if I say or attempt to say something, I end up feeling worse after I get ignored. And people don't even realise this. I might straight away say that I'm having a shitty week and I can't deal with my head, I still don't get the care I'm reaching out for. But again, even if that makes me super frustrated and I feel emotionally weak to deal with myself, I think I would still feel awkward if I did get the care. But at this point I'm also like, someone please hug me. Avoiding doesn't happen a lot cuz there's no one to avoid. Everyone is already away. I started looking up support groups online. I lose interest immediately after I find anything related to it tho. It's like I'm just too tired to explain myself. And there's no one in my life that is concerned enough to understand me.

Hello Star Cadet!

I can't keep this private and i really want to respond so if you message me about deleting it, don't feel bad, I just want to share with you my thoughts. maybe they'll help, maybe they won't. I know when I rant, sometimes I just need to hear the echo chamber lmao. so take everything I say with a grain of salt!

While I'm applauding you for finding out your attachment style,and while I also think this plays a part, I don't think it's the full story.

I think -and I'm choosing my words carefully here because I don't want to lead you astray and I don't fully understand the whole situation -

I think a couple of things need to happen.

You need to address this attachment style. it's hard, but I think through therapy and learning healthy coping mechanisms, you'll be better able to handle yourself. and that's what is most important here because

You need to find better people to surround yourself with.

Two can't really be done until you address the number one. You have needs that need to be met and no one is meeting them. make sure you know what those needs are number one. number two, perhaps try to change the way you speak of those needs. perhaps being more straight forward will work, perhaps simply figuring them out so that way others can follow suit.

Like if you need to vent to someone, and you don't like venting to this one person because they always try to fix things for you, perhaps that's just a boundary that needs to be set. say , hey, I appreciate you trying to fix my problems, but I just need someone to throw stuff at and help me release things. I don't need answers.

You know what I'm saying?

And then lets say you have made those changes in number one. this is where you'll have to start addressing that attachment style and bring new people in. from what I've learned recently, people will always hold their perception of you that will give them the biggest source of power over you. especially if they've known you for a long time. it's why it's hard to assert boundaries in a relationship that you've had for awhile. change doesn't come easy to ... humans. period. anyway---

You may have to change the company you keep. and that's easier said than done. you'll want to go back to them, find comfort in them. but you're saying it yourself, they don't really care about you. and as you try to grow and deal with things, you're only going to get further away from them.

so, once you address number one. try finding new people. in fact, if you're anything like me, new people will just come to you. a friend of mine said recently that she notices that I make a new friend every couple of months lmao. and it's funny because I've been trying to make more of these changes within me as well. asserting boundaries and figuring out what I need in relationships.

Meet people the way they are meeting you. if they say they are busy but expect you to be there 24/7, well don't. but if you both can open those lines of communication, grow that connection.

I can go on and on but this answer is long enough and like I mentioned earlier, I don't know the full context. I hope this helps in some way and if you want me to delete it, feel free to reach out!

[fadingdestinygalaxy]

Here are some tips that I have discovered that are beneficial and healthy ways to cope with your mental illness in order to feel better. I understand it is very difficult to cope with, but here are some things that are helping me currently. (I am still learning healthy coping mechanisms myself, and I am in the process of beginning medication and therapy again, so by no means am I a saint or a know it all when it comes to this, and I realize everyone is different, and what may be right for me may not be right for someone else.)

*When you are having debilitating symptoms, or bothersome symptoms/behaviors that affect your day to day life, relationships with others, employment, etc. Here is what I believe that you should do.

1.) Actively seek out a therapist, psychiatrist, (or nurse practitioner) and seriously consider medication and therapy if you feel that your symptoms and behaviors are negatively affecting your daily life, relationships with others, your employment, and the relationship with yourself. The quicker you seek treatment, the quicker you will begin to learn how to cope with your symptoms and learn how to replace unhealthy destructive coping methods with healthy ones, as well as taking your medication as prescribed.

2.) Even though it is difficult to calm down, and relax, do your best to grab some paper and write down how you are feeling. It can give your brain a mind dump, and try not to be judgemental with your thoughts at first. You don't even have to look at them at first if you are too uncomfortable with your thoughts. If need be write them down, and then try to occupy your mind with something else, like a TV show. If this happens, please refer to your therapist, and he or she will help you address those thoughts in a safe, structured setting. The words or thoughts don't have to make sense, be upbeat, or sound pretty. Journaling is a way of getting out those thoughts, no matter how negative or scary they may sound.

3.) If your symptoms are so severe that you cannot be alone, and you are planning to hurt yourself, or others, or are thinking suicidal thoughts, or planning suicide, PLEASE call 911 immediately and get yourself checked in to a mental hospital. It sounds scary as fuck, but you need to protect yourself. I myself have been in a mental hospital for a week. That is the safest place you can be, until your doctor can get you stable enough to get back into society.

4.) Invest in some Dr. Teals bubble bath or soaking solution Epsom salt. I highly recommend the Calm Your Mind one. Or the Soothe and Sleep one with Lavender. It does help. ❤️

5.) If you have animals, hold them and pet them. It is scientifically proven that pets help reduce anxiety and stress. I know I love holding my kitty. ❤️

6.) Phone someone you can trust and feel safe with, but don't get on the phone with them and catastrophize your issues and make a habit of crying wolf everytime something negative effects you. Simply open up to them about how your day is going, and try to keep the conversation lighthearted, and try to remain as positive as you can, despite all the bullshit going on with you. Leave the complex issues, symptoms and behaviors you are experiencing to a licensed and trained professional. They went to school and are employed and licensed to give professional advice and show you how to implement healthy structure and habits in your life, not your family, your boyfriend, husband, or your friends. It may be tempting to let it all out to someone like an avalanche, but that is not a tactful or healthy way of dealing with your issues. If you let all of your issues, behaviors, anxiety, etc out on someone other than your therapist, and doctor, it will burden and overwhelm them with your issues and it will become an unintentional habit, to where all you talk about with them is your issues and insecurities, and that is not what friends or family is for. Friends and family are there to support your mental health and growth, not be a promoter of your vicious cycle of unhealthy and destructive behaviors be it intentional or unintentional. There is a difference between seeking support, and seeking rescuing. You don't need to be rescued by someone, and your friends, family, employer, etc are not in your life to be a toxic filter that you spew your issues to all the time, because it will inevitably push them away from you and you will lose that valued friendship or relationship with that person or people. You may feel like you are at your wits end and have a sense of impending doom all the time, but the best way to deal with those issues is with a TRAINED AND LICENSED professional that you can trust, and that is right for you. It may take multiple therapists and doctors you may have to go through before you find the right one, but don't give up, getting started on the healing journey is a process and it takes time, patience and effort.

7.) Talk to your therapist about learning how and when to address your issues with yourself or someone else.. And learn how to set some boundaries with yourself and others. Learn how to keep certain things private that you normally unintentionally allow yourself to share with everyone in your life. Not everyone needs to know your goddamn business, for a multitude of reasons. Not everyone is going to hear you out, and they might make assumptions of you based on your behavior and what you tell them. They may judge you, condemn your behavior, etc. and may not have your best interest at heart. They will become overwhelmed with your issues and they will begin to see it as a toxic behavior that you may or may not be intentionally rubbing off on them. There is a time and place and correct way of addressing your issues, so please make sure that you choose carefully about how and when you open up to someone about how your feeling. Again, I highly recommend divulging your issues solely to your therapist. That is what they are there for.

8.) Analyze your behavior and symptoms that you are exhibiting. Begin to take control, responsibility, and accountability of your issues with yourself. You are in the driver's seat of your life, no one else. Only you can make the change for the better or worse. Remember that your behaviors and actions not only affect you, but everyone around you. So remember that if you want to do better and improve your quality of life in a healthy way, you have to make the effort to implement change in order to heal and grow. Don't give up.

Thank you.

*****I am not a licensed professional. These are only tips and advice.

[theheartofrelationshipcounseling]

What is Couple Therapy

When I tell people that I am a couples therapist, they have all sorts of questions. In today’s post, I thought I would write about the questions I’m asked most frequently about couples therapy and share how I answer them.

Who should go to couples therapy?

There are many reasons why a couple might want to go to therapy together:

You might be in a relationship where you feel that you and your partner are stuck in an endless round of conflict.

You might feel that your needs are unmet and you are at a lost as to how to meet them, or you feel unheard, unseen, and unappreciated.

You might feel that some hurt from the past simply is not healing in your relationship and you now need help in how to “get past your past.”

You might be preparing for a commitment like moving in together, getting married, or having a child, but want first to talk through all of the related issues with a third party facilitating the conversation.

What is couples therapy exactly?

There are many different forms of couples therapy, but two of the most popular evidence-based modalities, both of which are practiced by clinicians at the Heart of the Matter Counseling, are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (“evidence-based” means that researchers have demonstrated scientifically the effectiveness of a given technique). While there are differences in the two approaches, both focus upon implementing the parallel processes of de-escalating conflict while rebuilding positivity and connection in the romantic bond. This means that the therapist will help the two of you to slow down and turn down the temperature when you discuss difficult issues while finding ways for the two of you to re-engage feelings of mutual respect, affection, and care.

What’s the beginning of therapy like?

First you have to make the appointment, preferably at a time and on a day that you feel both of you will be able to commit to on a regular basis. In your first appointment, your therapist will introduce you to themselves as well as to their method of working and will ask you both to talk about your reasons for coming. The first session is also the beginning of an assessment period that will last for two more sessions. The assessment is done to make sure that the therapist has a strong grasp of all the issues that the couple is struggling with as well as to ensure that couples therapy is the appropriate course of treatment at this time. The second and third appointments will usually be made with each of you individually, to give you an opportunity to speak openly to the therapist and to feel that your point of view is understood and validated. In the fourth session, the therapist will then bring the couple back together and recommend a course of action based upon all of the needs and challenges that were assessed. This plan, which will be the focus of treatment going forward, usually consists of facilitated discussions in session and various tasks to be completed outside of session, both of which aim to de-escalate and work through conflict while building positivity and connection in your relationship.

What does the therapist do?

The therapist’s job throughout is to serve as a neutral third party who works for the good of the relationship, a facilitator of difficult discussions, a mentor and model of secure attachment and communication skills, and a source of reflection and validation. The therapist is especially responsible for making sure that both members of the relationship feel heard, seen, validated, and understood in their feelings.

What keeps people from trying couples therapy?

It is common for people to express to me a desire to try couples therapy, but they have concerns that get in the way. I think these fears are perfectly normal and useful to express so that your therapist is aware of them and will know to address them early in the therapeutic process. Here are some of the concerns that people have mentioned to me over the years, as well as how I address them as a therapist:

I’m ashamed about the issue that is causing so much conflict and I don’t want my therapist to judge me or both of us. Your therapist has special training and experience in not only how relationships can go right, but all of the difficult ways that they can go wrong. A therapist leaves judgment at the door because judgment only gets in the way of understanding how the difficult issue came to be and how to help you deal with it. You can expect your therapist to treat you as you struggle with your particular issue with respect and compassion.

I know that I have done/am doing something that has caused damage to the relationship, and I think the therapist will blame me for all of our problems. Your therapist is interested in understanding the forces that drive the unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, not in assigning blame.

The therapist is different from me and more like my partner (for example, I’m a man and my partner and my therapist are both women)- wouldn’t the therapist naturally side with my partner? Your therapist has received special training on how to be a neutral third party who is aligned with the needs of your relationship and not with one or another member of that relationship.

I’m afraid therapy will be all about fighting. The beginning of therapy can be an emotional time because you are being asked to openly talk about thoughts and feelings that you maybe haven’t been able to fully discuss in front of your partner before. It can also be emotional and uncomfortable to listen to what your partner has to say. The therapist’s job is to slow the discussion down and keep the exchange respectful, so that you both are willing and able to listen. Over time, these exchanges can open up to new perspectives and levels of understanding and compassion between partners. Eventually, couples start to apply the new skills that they have learned not only in session but during their every day life so that they come to view conflict and misunderstandings not as a “Oh, no, here we go again-“ scenario but as opportunities to learn new things about each other and to grow closer, not further apart.

Get to the heart of the matter and connect with the right therapist for you today. To request an appointment, please contact us.

[therapydidthistome]

New ways to Build Self Confidence Coming from Within

FINALLY Admitting the truth and being vulnerable

Self confidence hails from within. But some spots mentioned that you construct self confidence from with-out. Example like grasping a skill, achieving a target, dressing well and changing your overall look. No doubt you will enhance self confidence by those methods, but you do not get to address the cause of the void of self confidence.

FINALLY Admitting the truth and being vulnerable

Since self-belief comes from within, you need to get to within to locate it. In most ebooks, you are asked to find outside to boost self worth. Going outside to achieve self confidence can create some sort of gap. A distance that you won't be ın a position to discover what's going on in just you. You won't be capable of find out the causes of a lack of self confidence. In such a manner your self confidence is simply not built on sturdy foundation.

True self-confidence comes from belief in addition to mindset. You can be exceptionally skillful in some zones but lack confidence. On the other hand, have you reached someone who is not really particular masterful in a areas but are generally filled with self confidence?

This approach shows that self confidence might not have anything related to achievements, skills and also appearance. What truly matter is your thinking about yourself.

So what can you do to increase self-belief from within?

Catastrophe Is Not Failure

Search at failure in another way. Do you get suppress when you are hit simply by failure? Do you acquire despair when important things don't turn out the method that you want it? We all complete at one position of our life. It's because you look at catastrophe as failure.

Around 2008, I made a terrible workshop. Following training for six years, I did not believe that I screwed up that working area. Huge failure in my situation. I went straight into my hole for 2 days. I uncovered from that working experience, picked myself upwards, started training just as before.

Shift away from your belief of "failure is failure". Most people were taught to trust that failure is normally failure in class. Remember the test result that we had been afraid to receive. The application affected our self worth today.

But in the event you look at the successful consumers, how many of them neglect more than once? All of them. Although failed more than once, they will continued to come back tougher and wiser.

Failing is not failure. Fail is just a suggestions that something will not be working. Having this approach new belief, in that respect there won't be anymore deficiencies in your life, there will be feedbacks along with lessons. In that case, absolutely nothing holding you any longer, you can soar as an eagle. Just by heading one belief, most people build self confidence.

Working experience Life

Take on a mentality of suffering from life. Life can be suppose to be loaded with adventure. With this attitude, you'll see and accomplish things differently. Whenever you start to belief that you will be here to experience existence, you'll gain self-assurance and courage to perform things that you've for no reason done it prior to when or things that you might be always afraid of performing.

Starting a dialogue with a stranger turns into easy when you assume that is about experiencing some conversation with some other human being - a fresh experience. Regardless a good conversation or a bad one, it's a cutting edge experience for you.

Hence the end results doesn't extremely matter anymore. Due to the fact it's about feeling life. With the approach to building experience, anyone boost self confidence. You can find self confidence builds self-confidence. But first, people access your self self esteem that is already around you. You do this particular by shifting with results oriented to learn oriented.

Removing Your Perception Of Various

Most of the time the lack of confidence comes from the fear associated with how others respond to you. Strip the following fear away, everyone boost your self assurance by miles.

The explanation we don't undertake things that we want to can is usually because were afraid of the understanding of others. Some individuals are afraid of singing aloud because they are afraid from how other might think of them. As i was one of them.

Manufactured that I decided to clear away this fear together with sing whichever manner I want it, My partner and i realized no one definitely cared how I sing out. Those who cared usually are strangers, so it shouldn't really matter nonetheless.

How others understand you is their own experience, it has nothing at all to do with you. Your interpretation is not the majority of. If others reckon that your singing is usually bad, it's ones own experience. You are basically being you. There's no need to buy into their report.

Your self confidence can blossom the moment you may believe in yourself compared to how others see you.

My idea here is to have most people build self confidence because of within. Self confidence is actually in you, it certainly is there. Instead of indicating building your self self-belief, it should be more with re-discovering your self self-assurance.

Shift your unsupportive beliefs, practice that three ways above mentioned. Watch you self-belief soar.

[a-day-in-the-life-2022]

Last we left off in the story, I shared about my experiences with my partner’s addiction, domestic violence, and my realizations of the need to set boundaries. That first DV incident occurred 6 months before the next one. In the interim, my partner worked through intensive outpatient therapy and counseling to target his/her addiction and how it was connected to his/her underlying mental health issues. He/she started a new job and the stressors piled up. Again, hindsight is 20/20; knowing what I know now about addiction and relapse, I would have seen the signs (I hope). I would have realized he/she couldn’t work through those issues yet. There was insufficient time in his/her recovery.

To save time, it was a very similar incident to the first: spiraling emotions, me trying to manage the situation and keep my emotions regulated, my partner showing all the signs of drunkenness, the phone call to the police, etc. My partner was taken to jail for a few hours this time. I called on someone else to pick him up. One part being I had two kids to care for as well as my responsibilities at work and the other part being, I couldn’t handle facing him/her so soon after the relapse.

If it hadn’t become clear, I had become a pro at “trudging on.” I focused on the rational actions and roles I had to play: professional at work, confident to other staff, problem-solver, mother, house lady, chef, etc. There was not time for feelings. Any feelings coming through were anger at my spouse for putting all this responsibility on my shoulders. For being weak and letting the addiction take over. For lying and hiding the relapse from me. I reminded myself constantly I did not have it so bad; there were others far worse off than I. Stupid self-deprecating thoughts. The only other feelings I experienced were shame and guilt. For continuing to put myself in the role of the domestic violence victim. The “ifs” and “should’ves” were constant- if only I was strong enough to leave, if only I could gather the strength to uproot our family, I should have watched him more closely… I worked in a field with direct knowledge on mental health; I should know better. I made lists and plans for what separation would look like. Where our pets would go, how to manage bills, steps to sell the house, etc. But I simply kept focusing on the daily actions and responsibilities. The change was too scary.

When my spouse returned, we spent a day talking through how to get him back on a path to recovery. How to deal with the fallout and consequences. My partner ended up taking a leave of absence from his/her job. I thank the universe often he/she did as it gave him/her time to focus solely on recovery and addressing his/her mental health needs. However, there was a part of me that was angry and resentful. Why did he/she get to “tap out” of the responsibilities and have a breakdown?? I could never take advantage of an option like this; how would all the task get done?, who would pick up the slack?, how would bills get paid?, who would keep the kids safe/cared for?? Again, I pushed the feelings down and put the walls up to keep boundaries between my spouse and I. It was all on my shoulders to keep our life spinning. There was no one else who could. This created an extreme amount of pressure and stress on my shoulders.

To this day, I am still working on the blocked emotions I had to push down to make it through the next few months into the next year. I’d be lying if I said I don’t still get triggered by tiny details (a passing smell, a look from my partner, the slow slur or cadence of his/her voice, a glazed look in the eyes). I still question things my spouse says and simple things like him/her walking to the garage unexpectedly or using money to buy something. I’ve learned I had been conditioned to doubt my self and my intuition when my partner was in the throes of his/her addiction. Now I second guess myself often across multiple aspects in my life. I continue to work through these consequences of my experiences. More on that in future posts.

What I leave you with today is this point: recovery from addiction issues is a process. It will not just happen. It will take time (years not just days or weeks or months). And it has lasting impacts on not just the addict but those closest to the addict. If you are in the “victim” role as I was, don’t invalidate your feelings. Take the steps needed to keep your mental health safe. Work through the consequences and trauma. Learn and grow from it. Don’t hide from the feelings even though they are intense and scary. And above all rely on your support systems. No one can (should) do this type of work alone.

With loving kindness.

[besamestreet]

I have adhd too and I can understand this. Adhd severely impacts the executive functions of your brain which very basically means you process things differently have a hard time controlling your behavior. Executive functions begin developing by age two, and are fully developed by age 30. People with ADHD often are 30 to 40 percent delayed in development, which makes them more likely to act motivated by short-term rather than longer-term goals. The back of the brain is where you store information that is already learned. The front part of the brain is where you use this information to be socially effective and succeed in life. This prefrontal cortex mediates executive functioning and it contains four major circuits.

The “what” circuit controls working memory, helping you execute plans, goals, and specific steps needed to complete a project.

The “when” circuit helps you organize the order in which you complete activities, and address timelines.

The “why” circuit controls emotions — what you think about, and how you feel.

The fourth “how” circuit controls self-awareness of your feelings and experiences.

People with executive functioning challenges and/or ADHD experience impairments in one or more of these circuits and, therefore, their symptoms touch memory, planning, emotional regulation, and/or social skills.

This affects your behavior on a daily basis, forever, and it highly impacts those around you. It’s a little different for everyone but for me, I forget things very easily. I forget about objects as soon as they are out of sight so I forget to clean up messes a lot. I loose important things all the time like my ID and keys and phone. I also have no sense of time and am always late to things (that makes for an unreliable parter a lot of times, especially when u have kids relying on you). I can not focus on more than one thing at a time. I have a hard time fully listening when someone is talking if I am thinking about/ daydreaming about something else. I have a extremely difficult time being motivated/ disciplined enough to do normal everyday things like chores and exercise. If there is no urgency or excitement then I don’t do it. My adhd makes me irresponsible in many ways. The most major one is having a hard time keeping a job and being impulsive with money. I am a very impulsive spender, I have a lot of credit card debt and I don’t always make my bills on time cause I don’t get a hit of dopamine from that ahaha. But seriously, those with adhd lack dopamine and a lot of what drives us to do anything at all is for a dopamine hit which means it must be rewarding in some way. If not then we procrastinate for so long and lots of times simply don’t ever take care of what we’re supposed to. These are just a few ways my life is impacted, there are a lot of other ways adhd makes everyday life harder than those with a normally regulated brain.

This is a very long winded reply 😂 With a lot of information I’m sure you know! But I thought I’d explain for those without adhd reading this as well. It also helps reading this all laid out, can you see how having a partner like this would be difficult? A non-neuro divergent would have to constantly be picking up the slack from their adhd partner, especially as a parent, if the adhd partner is doing nothing to improve their executive functions through medication and/or therapy. Our brains are literally different, chemically different. We cannot control it. BUT we do have the ability to work with our adhd to be better functioning adults, partners and parents. Getting medication is definitely a good option as well as behavioral therapy and connecting to others who have adhd for support!

[christowhore]

Redeeming Myself

pairing: chris evans x professor!fem!reader

summary: after breaking your heart and losing your trust, chris makes it his mission to prove to you how much you mean to him.

word count: 6.3k

warnings: age gap (reader is 29, chris is 40), angst, reminiscing on past actions, fluff, talks with therapist, chris makes up for bad behavior, slight alcohol consumption, smut, happy endings, rpf !!! 18+ MINORS DNI !!!

notes: the final installment of Pining for Professor. it was only supposed to be a one shot, but i got inspired and expanded it. it took a while cause writers block, but it’s here. for anyone who has read the series, thank you and hope you enjoy ! 💓🥰

i do not allow the reposting, rewriting or translating of my fics. these are works of my own and i do not give permission for any of the acts stated above.

join my taglist !

SERIES MASTERLIST • MAIN MASTERLIST

For a month and a half following that afternoon, Chris began to go above and beyond to mend his mistakes in an effort to regain your trust.

He knew that he shouldn’t have been forgiven for the hurtful words he hurled at you, the voice he raised, and his cold demeanor through it all. But you forgave him nonetheless, which he was eternally grateful for.

Chris suspected that his venom-laced words still took a toll on your overall being. He sensed it in the way your usual humming was kept to a minimum, as did your soft caresses to his body. The fun facts that you would randomly blurt out had basically become nonexistent.

You hadn’t tried initiating sex with Chris due to still being affected by his actions, which was understandable to the brunette.

He could tell you were being cautious around him, which broke his heart more than he could’ve imagined.

The two of you never really talked in depth about what happened, deciding to push it under the rug and move past it. But ignoring the elephant in the room could only last for so long.

That morning was no different. He had spent the night at your place and decided to wake up and make you breakfast in an effort to mend the faltering relationship.

You woke up to an empty bed, something that you were used to since Chris had always been an early riser. Getting your morning routine out the way, you made your descent downstairs with the smell of pesto guiding you down the steps.

Walking into the kitchen, you saw the sight of your topless boyfriend, donning only a pair of boxers and an apron. You watched as he studiously focused on the skillet in front of him. His intense focus and the sounds of eggs frying in the pan made him oblivious to your arrival.

It wasn’t until you made your way towards the fridge next to him, that he registered your presence. “Morning princess, you sleep well.”

“Yeah, I slept fine,” your voice still a bit gravely from your slumber. You poured yourself a glass of orange juice, ignoring the intense gaze from Chris in your peripheral vision.

He was so used to having you touch him in the mornings. Not so much in a sexual way, but more intimately. The way your lips would ghost against his shoulder blade, your palms would hold his sides and pull him against you so that way you could bask in his warmth. Your arms would wrap around his front until your fingers absentmindedly toyed with his lower abdomen, playing with the wisps of hair on his happy trail.

He missed when you would move your lips until they met the space behind his ears, giving light open mouth kisses. The sound of you whispering ‘Morning daddy’ would leave him awestruck. Even though the words were a regular occurrence for him to hear, it was the way you would say it in your morning voice that made it ten times more special.

Though those actions might seem minuscule to others, they meant the world to him and it was killing him that he hadn’t been able to experience such tender moments with you in a while.

“I’m making breakfast- pesto eggs and some bacon for you. It’ll be done in a minute.”

You nodded along before heading to the table, phone in hand while catching up on your morning news.

It didn’t take long before a steaming plate was placed in front of you, the scent of garlic and basil already making you salivate.

Chris sat besides you and watched as you dug a fork into your meal, a smile reaching his face as he heard your content moans.

The two of you ate in silence, only the sound of soft chewing and utensils hitting your respective plates could be heard.

Every so often, you would feel Chris peek at you, hoping for you to start up a conversation with him like you always did. It’s not like you didn’t want to, it was just that you were still hurting due to his words. You know from a psychological standpoint that there was something going on inside of him that caused him to lash out, which you understood. But it didn’t aid in diminishing your apprehensiveness towards opening up to him, afraid that another fight would break out and hurtful words would again be hurled.

He could sense the internal struggle battling within you so he spoke up, breaking you out from your subconscious.

“I know I’ve been saying this repeatedly over the past few weeks, but I want you to know how sorry I am,” Chris sympathetically stated, “You didn’t deserve what I put you through, the things I said. I just hope that we're able to someday go back to how we were.”

You sat there staring at the man in front of you. Was there a way that the two of you can revert to what once was? Could you actually forgive him?

Not knowing how to properly respond, you simply nodded. A tight lipped smile was evidence that Chris had a lot of making up to do.

Finishing up breakfast, you excused yourself to your office to go and work on your dissertation, leaving the brunette alone with his thoughts.

He knew that he needed to do something big to make up for his actions. He also knew that he needed to figure out why he lashed out on you.

Taking out his phone, he clicked on a saved contact and listened to the dial tone ring in his ear.

“Morning, I’d like to make an appointment as soon as possible. It’s an emergency.”

Chris sat on the plush maroon couch, his eyes getting reacquainted with the familiar setting. The office had a few knick knacks littered around the space. A potted plant here and there. Motivational, yet cheesy posters on the wall. An assortment of magazines on the coffee table.

He hadn’t been here in a while, his usual talks were about his anxiety and dealing with fame. But for this appointment it was about you- specifically how he treated you.

The new topic was foreign to him, resulting in the brunette not knowing how to address it. So he silently sat there as his therapist, Dr. Reynolds, held her pen in her hand and studied his behavior.

“So,” she cautiously started, “What brings you in today?”

Chris sat there twiddling his fingers at her question. There could’ve been a few reasons that brought him in, but the main one was why he said the things he hurled at you.

He proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes recapping the events that had transpired, making sure to not spare any detail. After his spiel, Dr. Reynolds skimmed through her notes that she jotted down during his explanation.

Looking up from her notebook, she locked eyes with the brunette. “Do you think that some of your actions correlate with self-sabotaging behaviors? How, when you opened yourself up to her so suddenly it made you feel scared? Scared that you might need to face those fears that are plaguing you.”

Chris sat there incredulously, “Well- I mean no. I don’t think so.”

The pair talked for over an hour, going over the usual allotted time as they broke down why Chris had acted a certain way.

He realized the anger he felt was a coping mechanism to avoid feeling what he truly felt: fear. Mainly his fear of commitment. Part of him was scared that any future marriage would end up like his parents, in divorce. He feared that you would stop loving him. He feared that he would stop loving you.

And that fear was ultimately pushing you away from him. Which uncovered the biggest fear of all, losing you.

Dr. Reynolds eventually received a knock on her door, indicating a waiting patient, causing their therapy session to be cut and saved for another day.

“Thanks doc, I think I know what I need to do now.”

After some much needed self-reflection made in the meeting with his therapist, Chris knew what he had to do. Leaving the office, he pulled out his phone and dialed his publicist, Megyn.

A few rings later, he went into detail to the blonde about his plan. Not caring about what the press might say, or how his fans might react, he needed to get it done.

She wasn’t too keen on dealing with the impending press that would come from it, but she was happy that he was able to find someone that he truly loved.

He went back to your place that evening with a refreshed mind. The rest of the day went by as usual, you both did your own respective things, the tension still heavy in the air.

As you both started on your own night routine, his main focus was on you. He didn’t even know he stopped brushing and was staring until you snapped your fingers in front of his eyes.

“Earth to Chris, everything alright?” your tone was light and airy, hinted with a bit of joy.

Chris looked at the slight smile on your face and was reminded all over again as to why he fell for you. That smile was something that was so ingrained in his mind that not even old age could make him forget it. It warmed his entire being whenever he was sad and it made him realize he could never take it off your face for the rest of his days.

“Yeah princess,” he whispered, still lost in you, “I’m alright.”

You nodded along to him, though your eyes squinted a bit due to being curious of his change in demeanor. Before he was overly cautious around you, now it seemed as if he couldn’t get enough of you.

Before you could set your toothbrush down and set out for bed, he stopped you with a hand on your elbow, pulling you into him. Not caring that there were still dribbles of toothpaste in his mouth, he leant down and attached his lips to yours.

The kiss was soft, he was desperate to feel your softness against him though wasn’t trying to rush the act in any way. Moving his hand up, he held onto your cheek in an effort to pull you even closer than you already are.

The smell of your lavender night cream instantly calmed him, making him feel safe in your embrace and absentmindedly smiling into the kiss.

Chris finally pulled away, only slightly, to look down on you with a dopey grin. “God I’m in love with you.”

For the first time in weeks, a genuine smile reached your face to match the man across from you.

“I love you too love bug,” you sighed against his lips, “You probably should’ve rinsed your mouth though, I can taste your toothpaste.”

A deep chuckle rumbled from his chest, “Sorry, just got caught up in the moment.”

Chris kept you secured in his arms as he continued to stare down at you. There was something different about him, specifically the way his gaze was directed at you. Though you were not complaining.

“How about we bring back date night? I can cook and we can finally sit and talk to one another like we used to.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest at his pleas. It had been a while since you two sat down and basked in each other’s presence. The thought had you hopeful that things could go back to normal.

“I would love that,” you began, “How about Friday? I have a test for a few of my classes this week so we can do it once I’m all free.”

Chris smiled down at you with eyes evident of his admiration for you, “Friday is perfect.”

The rest of the week went on rather differently than previous ones. Your touches came back to his body, fingertips grazing alongside him whenever he was close. Chris would regularly kiss your cheek or top of your shoulder anytime he had the chance.

You did take notice of him on his phone a lot, part of it filled you with uneasiness but the rational part of your brain told you it wasn’t something to ponder too much over, so you let it go.

Chris had been spending the entire week making sure that his plan was rolling smoothly. He had the entire date night planned to a T. He informed his family about it, who were ecstatic for him, making his own mother tear up due to how happy she was. He made sure to have everything ready at the house so that everything would be successful.

The day of the planned affair, you were stuck in your home office grading the last set of tests before being able to officially clock out for the evening. Inputting the grades into Blackboard, you were brought out of focus due to the sounds of buzzing from your phone. Picking up the device, you unlocked it and saw the incoming text from your boyfriend.

Chris: Baby, I know you’re still probably finishing up, but dinner will be ready at my place at around 7. I put something on your bed for you to wear. See you soon!

The endearing message made you smile and also feel a bit elated. You missed the intimate moments shared between you and Chris. The loving looks sent your way, the delicious food and engaging conversations. But most importantly, you missed the sex. Before, the two of you were like jackrabbits, the longest you both went without getting hot and heavy was about 2 days. Now going on over two months, you were becoming insatiable.

Quickly inputting the final test scores in your online grade book, you got ready for your night in with Chris. Heading up the stairs, you walked into your room to be hit with a bit of nostalgia. Laying on the bed was the same black dress that you wore on your first date with him.

With the amount of dresses you had in your wardrobe, it was a shock that he was able to find the specific one you wore that night. The sentiment warmed your heart and filled you with hope.

Rushing to get ready, you went and got dressed, making sure that you appeared your best before heading out.

It was only a quick drive to his home, before you were sat in his driveway.

Your mind was plagued with worry. You feared that if this night didn’t go well, then it would ultimately mean the end of your relationship with the man. Taking in a deep breath, you calmed your nerves before exiting the vehicle and made the trek towards his front door.

Using the house key you still had attached to your own ring set, you unlocked the door and walked in though you didn’t get far when the sight before you made you stop and gasp.

Starting from the front door laid a trail of rose petals leading you through the house. The thoughtful effort made tears begin to form in your eyes and your breath unsteady.

Following the trail, the same smells of vegetables sautéing brought you back to that time over a year ago.

Once you made it inside the kitchen, you saw Chris with an apron adorning his massive frame on top of his suit. Once he took notice of your arrival he turned around and smiled at you. “There you are sweetheart. I was waiting for you to show.”

He turned down the fire before gliding towards you, about to reach down and kiss you when you beat him to it.

Grabbing a hold of either side of his face, you slammed your lips to his; the action surprising you both. You delivered him repeated pecks which caused the brunette to laugh between every one of your kisses.

Getting enough of your intimate fill, you pulled away from him and looked up. “What’s the special occasion? I mean I know it’s date night, but still.”

Chris brought his hands down to rest on the dip of your back before pulling you in closer to him. The action caused your neck to crane up to look directly into his eyes.

“I wanted to make things right with my best girl.”

You playfully rolled your eyes at the slight Captain America reference before delivering another kiss, “Thank you, I love it.”

The meal went according to plan, the two of you enjoying the same shrimp scampi dish he made on your first date together.

You were sipping on your glass of wine when you heard Chris speak up.

“Though I’ve said it more times than either of us can count, I need you to know how regretful I am of how I acted.”

You sighed at his words, “Chris, I said it’s-”

“No, it’s not okay (Y/N),” he interrupted you, “It wasn’t okay for me to lash out at you. It wasn’t okay for me to hurt your feelings.”

“Tonight, I tried to recreate our first date together to show you just how much you mean to me.”

Chris had rehearsed what he was planning on saying for the past few days, but here now in this moment he couldn’t remember a single prepared line. So he just decided to follow his heart.

“(Y/N). The day I met you, it was one of the greatest days of my life. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but fate brought us together- well I guess I should say Ma did with her insisting.”

His words caused you to chuckle, “I can see where you got your determination. She really didn’t quit until she finally got us in the same room.”

The memory of Lisa bringing you two together that afternoon warmed both of your hearts.

“That day we met was the day I knew that there was no one else in the world that would matter to me as much as you would. Every single day that I get the pleasure of seeing that look on your face will forever make me the luckiest man on the Earth. So when I hurled those words at you and took that smile away, it made me feel horrendous.”

You didn’t even realize you had started crying until you felt the warmth of your tears sliding down your cheeks.

Chris reached across the table and curled his fingers around your hand, slightly stroking the back of it with his thumb.

“I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend that I could be. I realized that my own fears of commitment caused me to take out my frustrations out on you, and absentmindedly pushed you away. But I realized that pushing you away was the last thing I ever wanted to happen.”

He felt his heart rate race and his organ beat heavily in his chest, his anxiety slowly rising.

“You are the greatest thing to happen to me. You make the worst days seem minuscule whenever you’re around. I love the way you’re able to always help push me through any obstacle I face, no matter how big or small it may be. The way you easily get along with my crazy family. And I love how you make me feel like I am floating on cloud nine anytime I kiss you.”

Chris felt his hands begin to sweat. One of his hands clasped onto yours, while the other held onto the small box in his left pocket of his slacks.

“A few days ago I had a session with my therapist about you. And during it I realized how much I care about you, and how losing you, even though it was brief, was the worst thing I had ever experienced.”

Slowly standing up on shaky legs, he brought you up with him.

“I had to secretly figure out the right size while you were sleeping the other night,” he began to joke, “You don’t know how hard it was to get the measurement done considering how light of a sleeper you are.”

You felt your heart pound in your chest. You suspected that something was different about his behavior and this evening, and your suspicions were slowly coming to light.

“I can’t ever experience the feeling of not having you by my side again. Waking up to a cold bed and not seeing the way your nose would sometimes crunch up while you're deep in a dream is something I never want to go through again.”

Chris reached into his pocket of his pants and pulled out a cherry red box. The sight of the gold inscription labeling 'Cartier' made your breath catch in your throat and tears fall freely down your face.

The height difference was changed when he steadily dropped down on his left knee, his tear filled blue eyes looking up at you.

“(Y/N), you make me the happiest man in the world. And I know it’s a stereotypical line for me to say, but it’s true. I love how you’re able to bring the best out of me and everyone around you. I love how you love everyone unconditionally. God, I love how fucking breathtaking you are. I am in love with everything about you.”

Letting go of your hand, he held the box in his grasp before cracking it open. The action caused your hands to cover your mouth and you to bend at the knees. With the aid of the lights around the room, it unveiled to you a marquise cut diamond. One either side were two stones. On the left was a pearl, indicating his June birthstone. The other side showed your gemstone, the rocks pairing perfectly with one another.

“So,” Chris began with a shaky breath, “(Y/N) (Y/L/N), will you do me the honor and make me the luckiest person in the world. Will you marry me?”

Your body shook with sobs as you nodded along to his question.

“Wait, are you saying yes?” Chris asked, excitement evident in his tone. “I don’t know if that’s you nodding yes or no.”

Removing your hands from your face you grasped on to your now fiancé’s, “Yes, I would love to marry you.”

Chris didn’t even get the chance to put the ring on you before raising up and slamming his lips against yours. Both of you tasting the salty tears that expelled from the other.

It was his turn to lay a continuous stream of kisses to your lips. Soft chants of ‘thank you’ leaving his mouth between every one.

Pulling away, he retrieved the ring from its box as you held up your left hand. You watched as he slid the band down your finger until it situated perfectly against the base. A content sigh left the both of you.

Chris brought your hand up and kissed the back of it and then your ring finger before locking eyes with you.

You two stayed like that for a while, your gaze flicking back and forth between each other’s lips until finally you two connected them.

This time, the embrace was intimate, more passion filled. Your hands folded against the nape of his neck, the coolness of the gold band making him smile with contentment.

With his hands holding onto your hips, he guided you back until you were met with resistance from the wall behind you; the sudden force causing you to lightly grunt into his mouth.

Lowering his hands until his palms rested on the back of your thighs, he tapped on your skin, an unspoken request for you to jump. While securing your hold on his neck, you jumped up and rested in his palms. With you in his hands, Chris began to walk the two of you towards his bedroom. Since Dodger was staying at his mom's house, he didn’t bother closing the door, not worrying about any sudden intrusion.

Your mouth was still attached to Chris when he laid you down, you head against the soft pillow on the plush bed. His frame towering over you as he shook off the suit jacket from his body, kicked off his shoes and toed his socks away.

“I love you so much (Y/N),” he swooned through kisses.

“I love you too Chris.”

Untying the front of your wrap dress, the silk material fell to the sides of your body, revealing your figure which was only covered by a thin, lace pair of underwear. The sight of your half naked self made him growl down at you in desire.

Removing his lips from yours, he descended down your body, leaving kisses in his wake.

“You’re all mine.”

His lips kissed around your taut nipple, his tongue poking out to flick at your pert bud.

“Forever and always.”

You felt him leaving traces of wetness from open-mouth kisses on your abdomen.

“The love of my life.”

His fingers dug into the sides of your thong before dragging it down your legs.

“My beautiful fiancé.”

You breathing hitched as you felt his warm breath fan across your exposed cunt. The hot air was a stark contrast to the cool slick of your dripping wetness.

“The future Mrs. Evans.”

And with that, Chris flattened out his tongue before running a long stripe up your pussy, lapping up your wetness until he curled it around your clit. “Oh fuck, Chris.”

How exhausting the sexual hiatus that you experienced with the brunette was evident due to how you were squirming on the bed. Your hands spread throughout the sheets, gripping and tugging in an effort to gain some form of steadiness. Over two months without having him on you had you mewling into the air. “Please baby, don’t stop.”

With his tongue occupied, Chris continued to devour you. His tongue alternated between long drags and quick flicks between your folds. You felt the tip of his tongue prod at your opening in a desperate attempt to taste more of you- to feel more of you.

Removing his mouth, he heard you begin to groan in disappointment before it turned into a moan when he spat on your cunt then suctioned his lips around your clit. With one hand holding your stomach down, he used the other to enter your soaking hole with his index and middle fingers.

Chris was gentle with his digits inside of you, dragging his pads alongside your ways, stroking your contracting walls and feeling every ridge. Once he was knuckle deep, he scissored your cunt, basking in the sounds of your squelching around his fingers paired with your content moans of relief.

He replaced his mouth with his thumb, using the limb to draw slow, tortuous circles on your mound as he watched you fall into the deep recesses of ecstasy.

He observed your neck stretch back, exposing a slightly bulging vein running up the expanse. The way your lips quivered as your moans flew freely out. Your legs began to shake when he hit the spot he was all too familiar with deep in your core.

“Look at me,” Chris demanded, his Boston accent evident in his request, “Need’a watch my pretty girl cum all over my fingers.”

The eye contact with the brunette was intense, more fierce than ever experienced before, but you reveled in every second of it. You noticed how his pupils had become blown out, only showing a small ring of blue surrounding the black.

You tried to keep the gaze locked until you felt your orgasm come full force through your body like a tidal wave. “Christopher!”

Upon hearing your screech of desire and feeling your essence begin to soak his digits, he replaced his thumb back with his mouth, longing to taste every single drop of your sweetness. His fingers continued to pump inside of you, prolonging your release and causing more of your juices to flow into and around his mouth.

Chris finally removed his fingers to drink more of you until you attempted to feebly push his head away, the orgasm causing you to lose most of your strength.

“Sorry princess, you know Daddy just can't get enough of you,” Chris moaned as he licked your essence off his lips.

He rose up your lower half and hovered over you staring down at your exhausted self. You mustered the power to raise your arms and grasp his face in your hands before bringing him down to connect lips once more.

The kisses were lecherous, the both of you yearning to taste every single part of the other. Your tongue was firm against his as he massaged yours while you swallowed each other's moans.

Your body felt on fire with the way his large hands were massaging and caressing every inch of your exposed skin. His fingers digging into your softness and pulling you flush against his frame.

Taking your hands away from his face, you began to unbutton his dress shirt, peeling away the material until it unveiled his tattooed chest. Your fingers tracing the large design on his chest before making its way down to his belt, unbuckling it in the process.

Dragging the leather through the loops and away from his body, you unzipped his trousers before reaching in to palm his obvious erection. The action made the man above you keen against your tongue. “I wanna taste you Chris.”

With your thighs around his hips, you nudged him until your positions were switched. His head against the same pillow, he watched as you tugged down the material on his lower half, leaving the two of you completely bare for one another.

You laid down on your stomach between his legs before grabbing hold onto the base of his cock, drawing a hiss from Chris.

His head craned back at the feel of your wet mouth tonguing his length, the wet muscle licking a stripe from the base to his tip. “Ohh- that's it baby.”

You collected your spit before it dripped from your mouth and on his head, the liquid cascading down the massive length. Using it for your advantage, you began to stroke him while attaching your lips around his tip. Your tongue flicked his slit while drinking up his precum.

“God, I love you so much (Y/N).”

Removing one of your hands, you began to swallow his length, stroking off what you couldn’t take down. His moans and groans only stir you on as you bask in the feel of him throbbing in your mouth. With your free hand, you began to palm at his balls; the action making him grip the sheets as well as tenderly holding the side of your head.

His mouth was parted, showing only his tongue, as he panted out. “That’s it baby, such a good girl for me.”

Chris felt his peak slowly approaching, the buildup steadily growing with every swipe of your tongue, suction from your lips and tug at his balls. Though he would’ve loved to release down your throat and watch your mouth milk his balls, he wanted- needed to feel your warmth surrounding him as he coated your walls.

He went to unlatch you from his cock and raise you towards him. “I need to feel you,” he breathed out, “I miss the feel of you around me (Y/N).”

You crawled up his body til you were straddling his hips. Reaching down, you pumped his length a few times before positioning it for entry. The second you began the descent and his head met the resistance from your cunt, you both groaned out.

Chris couldn’t wait any longer so he brought his hands to your hips and fully sank you down on him, sheathing his entire cock inside of you. The action made you lurch forward with your hands planting themselves on his chest in search of stability.

“Oh that’s it princess,” professed Chris, “Missed this tight fucking cunt choking my cock. Missed you so goddamn much.”

With the help of his hands on your hips, you began to slowly work yourself on his dick. Every rise and fall of your hips made you experience the delectable feel of his veined shaft drag against your channel.

“Oh Christopher,” you cooed as you felt him throb inside of you.

“That’s it princess, I’m right here.”

You brought your hands from off of him and covered his large ones. Removing them from your body, you intertwined digits. The new position of your hands allowed the newly added engagement ring to gleam under the light.

If he had a camera, he would’ve wanted to capture the beauty of you in that moment. Every buck of your hips caused your breasts to bounce, the action enticing him even more than already. The sweat that began to form on your body caused your body to shine from the bedroom lights, making your body appear as if it were glowing.

He wanted to frame the glorious sight of you, but he decided to settle with the fact of knowing he would be able to recreate this exact moment for the rest of his life. Recreate with you as husband and wife.

He rose up from the mattress and maneuvered your legs to wrap around his waist before sitting on his haunches. The new position of your naked chest pressed up against his own while he fucked you on his cock was a sort of intimacy that couldn’t be explained.

The closeness of your faces allowed you to feel each other’s breaths warm your features. You could see pupils being blown, feel the sweat dripping off one another, and hear every single sound that escaped the other's mouth.

Attaching his lips to yours, Chris moaned into your mouth. “That’s it baby, cream all around my cock. Milk me til I fill you up with my cum.”

The heels of your feet dug into his lower back and your fingertips gripped onto his neck, leaving scratches in its wake.

You knew for certain that you would have bruises on your waist with the way he had latched onto you, raising you up and down his length.

With every thrust, your sweaty skin slapped together as his balls spanked up against your ass.

“Ahh baby, I- fuck Chris I’m almost there.”

“I know (Y/N), I’m right behind you.”

A few more harsh thrusts as his tip slammed against your g-spot and you were suddenly slammed into the blissful abyss of your orgasm. The tightness of your contracting walls caused Chris to achieve his own release. The shouting sounds of you two reaching your respective peaks echoed throughout the room.

Warmth flooded your body and your cunt as you felt Chris’s cock shoot ribbons of his seed deep into you. He continued to drag you along his length, hoping to prolong the glorious feeling of your pussy throbbing around him.

After the sensation of your peak began to wane, he fell back against the mattress, bringing you down with him.

The two of you laid there in each other’s arms, basking in the warmth radiating off the other.

Chris strokes your back, long traces of his thumb running along your spine as you both regain your breath.

“I’m in love with you (Y/N). So goddamn much.”

Still a little too spent, you nodded while your hands toyed around with his chest.

While you two sat there, a realization popped into the brunette's head, making him begin to stand up. “I’ll be right back.”

You watched his ass jiggle with every step out of the room, the sight making you chuckle. When he returned, he held his phone in his hand.

“Seriously Christopher, you wanna make a sex tape right now?”

A boisterous laughter left him at your assumption, “No sweetheart, not that.”

Chris sat back next to you on the bed as he scrolled through his phone gallery. After a few flicks on his thumb, he finally found the photo that you two took on your first date. You were as beautiful as ever, smiling at the camera as he looked in awe at you.

You watched as he loaded up Instagram and clicked on the plus sign to create a new post. “Chris, what are you doing?”

“Something I should’ve done a long time ago.”

Choosing the desired photo, he went to begin typing out his caption that would unveil you to the world.

chrisevans: A little over a year ago this photo was taken on our first date. I knew from that moment that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, that’s why I eagerly asked you to be mine. (Y/N) you make me the happiest man that I could be. I know this past year and a half has been a tough one, especially with everyone in the world claiming that they were dating me while I kept you in the shadows, but enough is enough. There’s no one else that I would rather be with. There’s no one in this entire world that holds a candle to you. To your beauty, your kindness, your everything. You are the love of my life. As of tonight, my fiancé. And soon to be my wife. I love you more than words can describe princess. (Y/@/N)

Chris finished typing out his message before looking down at you, silently asking for approval. He watched as your index finger raised up and clicked on the share button, indicating the end of your secrecy.

A dopey smile made his face before he looked at you, phone in hand, “Now, about that sex tape.”

You laughed at his joke as he made his way to kiss you once more. The embrace was full of contentment due to knowing that things were back to normal with a growing relationship full of unwavering love, reinstated trust, and pure happiness.

A/N: and that's a wrap folks. thank you to everyone who read this series.

also i would like to say that this is in no way an indication of chris evans personality or character. this is just fiction.

if you enjoyed this, please make sure to reblog and comment. feedback is much appreciated !

* divider credits : @firefly-graphics *

[actualhumantrashcan]

Ngl Marvel really needs to stop formatting these shows like six hour movies, there is not enough focus on the characters and their motivations. Now that the Netflix shows are on Disney+, people are going to notice the huge difference in quality between the Disney+ shows and shows like Daredevil, Jessica Jones and Punisher. Are the Netflix shows perfect? No (although Daredevil is pretty damn close if you ignore the Hand plot line in season 2) but they are character studies at their core. There are whole episodes where characters just talk to each other. We know what they want, why they want it, and why their ideologies are opposed to those they are fighting. We understand their histories and their flaws intimately, and the show gives their relationships with each other time to develop and muddle and get messy like real relationships do. None of the Disney+ shows have done that. They all come close (Wandavision episode 8, Loki episode 1, TFAWS episodes 1 & 5) but they never commit. Wandavision’s clever and heart wrenching deconstruction of grief and trauma ends with a giant magic battle in the sky and very messily ruins a character that had the perfect opportunity to be a neutral antagonist. Loki’s character breakdown is both too fast and too shallow, and seems completely out of character for the point he’s at in his timeline, and then it ends with more of a setup for phase four than an actual emotionally satisfying arc for the titular character (yes, I know there’s a second season coming, but who knows how long it will be before we see it and there is merit in ending a season with at least MOST emotional plot lines tied up), TFAWS dips it’s toes into racial commentary without ever addressing the core of the issues, and clumsily sets up a “villain” with motivations that are not only understandable, but line up with our main character’s worldview. Additionally, don’t even get me started on how much they glossed over Bucky and Sam’s very real and complex issues with each other and with their history with Steve and chose to have them just decide to like each other. And finally, Moon Knight simply has not given itself enough time to satisfyingly conclude the plot lines it has set up. I don’t want to pass judgement before the final two episodes air, but I have a feeling it will go the way of Wandavision in that the penultimate episode will be a huge therapy session for our main characters, and the finale will immediately delve back into CGI heavy action without resolving the emotional issues delved into in the fifth episode or tying up the loose ends it has introduced. I love the show so far and it has been very entertaining, but it needs more time and more episodes to delve into the specifics of Marc’s DID/history and handle it properly. Basically, I’ve liked all of these shows well enough, with Wandavision and Moon Knight sticking out as far as depth of character so far, but they need to take notes from other studios who have made successful and truly high quality tv shows with comic book properties. Legion, Doom Patrol, and the Netflix Marvel shows (except Iron Fist) stick out as prime examples that there can be depth beyond action and adventure to these characters. They deserve more time and more depth, and the model that Disney is using right now is not allowing for that.