#I feel like I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been at in my life

[shireduchess]

,.

[heybaetae]

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[nightshadow1607]

Immortal Izuku: What’s up guys? I’m back.

Shinsou: What the- you can’t be here. You’re dead. I literally saw you die.

Immortal Izuku: Death is a social construct.

--

Aizawa: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so let’s go for 12 more just in case.

Hizashi: Shou, that's a coma.

Aizawa: Sounds festive.

--

Vigilante Shinsou: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Informant Kaminari: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Vigilante Izuku: In that case, we're definitely lost.

--

Vigilante Izuku: I was arrested for being too cool.

Shinsou: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

--

Feral Izuku: Just because I'm too short to reach the lowest self in the cabinet doesn't mean you shouldn't watch out for your kneecaps.

--

Shinsou: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

--

Aizawa: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck

--

Izuku, holding a python: I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Hizashi, in the verge of a heart attack: You did WHAT–

Shinsou: William Snakepeare

--

Izuku: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much.

Aizawa: Oh, you’ve been?

Izuku: Once. In Monopoly.

--

Shinsou: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Aizawa: You're like 15 years old

Shinsou: I MIGHT DIE AT 30!

--

*Izuku and Shinsou are doing something absurdly dangerous*

Vigilante Izuku: I think Houdini did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in no time!

Vigilante Shinsou, deadpan: Well that's encouraging.

--

Izuku: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Bakugou: Deku, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

--

Kirishima: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Tokoyami: How am I supposed to know?

Kaminari: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.

Tokoyami: *sighs*

Tokoyami: You wouldn't be trapped.

--

Spinner: What do you think Dabi will do for a distraction?

Mr. Compress: They’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Mr. Compress: ... or they could do that.

--

Izuku: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Shinsou: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

--

Quirkless Izuku: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.

--

Uraraka: What do you call a fish with no eye?

Iida, not looking up: Astyanax mexicanus

Uaraka: 

Uraraka: fsh

--

*Shinsou and Izuku sitting in jail together*

Vigilante Izuku: So who should we call?

Vigilante Shinsou: I’d call Aizawa, but I feel safer in jail

incorrect quotes because why not? (part 5)

[forwhump]

a/n; I’m back so soon already I’m so sorry !! I’ve kinda been playing around w my experimental outside pov character exploration stuff & somebody asked for some wren pov & wouldn’t you know it — I’ve got some of that ! so here we are ! <3

tw/cw: mentions of rape, noncon, misgendering, transphobia, graphic depictions of violence, stabbing, mentions of mutilation, sexualization, skinning

living weapon whumpee, military whump, captive whump

Wren had seen Silas die many, many times.

It never got any easier. It never made him feel any less sick. Silas had said something once, when they’d argued about it. They used to argue a lot. If it weren’t so bittersweet, it might almost make Wren smile. Silas was stubborn, and petulant, and self sacrificing, and he couldn’t understand why Wren cared at all if he lived or died; what fuckin’ difference does it make? He was reckless and Wren loved him so completely that sometimes his fear for Silas’ life would rear its head in outrage; stop getting yourself killed for me! Stop making me watch you die!

It never got any easier. It didn’t matter how many times Wren had to watch. Each time Silas died, he died violently. It was bloody. He died in pain. Each time he died, he died trying to protect one of them, usually Wren. He never got to die peacefully. Gently.

There was some comfort, though, in knowing that no matter how horrible, how traumatic, how painfully he died or how horrifically he was mutilated, Silas would be back. Silas always came back. More than a few times, Wren has watched Silas be slaughtered, he’s watched him suffer, he’s watched him sustain injuries no other human being would ever be recognizable after, much less survive. Each time, Wren spent a good chunk of time so inconsolable that Point would stick a needle into his elbow to keep him sedated because he was so hysterical he was almost unfuckable. And still, each time, Silas came back, probably with a new assortment of scars, sometimes speaking a little bit slower, but each time, he would look at Wren in almost the same patronizing way that a mean adult would look at a particularly rambunctious child, like he was an idiot; I told you. I’ll always come back to you.

And each time, he had.

Until he hadn’t.

Wren had known this last time was different, even before Silas hadn’t come back. Something had just felt different. Something was wrong.

Point had just been —

Wren sobs out loud, and he doesn’t mean to. He didn’t even realize he’d started crying again. There are no tears anymore. He’d run out a couple weeks ago.

Unfortunately, despite how desperately he wishes he didn’t, Wren knows a good deal about Point. Wren would dare say he knows him pretty well, and he doesn’t want to. But he knows how deeply he’s scared of Silas, and on what a weirdly human, personal level he’s threatened by him. His hatred for Silas has always stretched far beyond this place, but the cruelty, of course, has always been contained here. Even so, Wren had never seen Point lose it like he was. He was screaming at a pitch that was less human than anything Wren thought Silas capable of. There was something very manic about it, about the red of his face, about how wildly he swung from Silas’ insubordination to how fuckin’ disgusting and offensively ugly Point thought he was.

He’d been trying to get a rise out of him, and that’s what had made Wren intervene. Something was wrong. Point was always looking for a fight, but he wasn’t usually picking petty ones.

It was a mistake, though, and Wren should’ve known that. He should’ve known better than to intervene. He’d just wanted to help, but he just made things worse. He’d gotten Silas killed. Like usual.

And it wasn’t so much the injuries but how frantically Point inflicted them. He’d pulled a buck knife from his belt. Silas hadn’t fought him because Wren was being threatened, and Silas didn’t have the capacity left to care about himself, he cared too much about Wren. At his lowest, at his most helpless, Wren fucking hates that about him. He thinks he hates it about him now.

Silas had been slaughtered but something about how frenzied his death had been was wrong. Something about how frantically Point had fucked Wren in the pool of his blood in the aftermath was wrong.

Then Wren was formally removed from the unit. And Silas never came for him.

He thinks it’s been seven weeks, but what does he know, really? Seven weeks, give or take, that he’s spent in a room off the barracks, the soldier’s quarters. It had been a supply closet that they had converted just for him, to keep him close, in fucking distance. The wall is mirrored, as are two of the walls. Some of them like to make Wren watch. Sometimes he gets the privilege of leaving the closet and sleeping on the floor between bunks, shackled to a bolt in the concrete. It makes no difference to him either way; no matter where they keep him, he’s never alone.

He’s been in his room for a few days — and he’s started thinking of it as his room, and that’s sad, right? He’s been alone for a couple minutes, and it’s the first time he’s been left alone since he was dragged back in here by his hair.

His dress has been the same the whole time. All seven weeks. Short and skirted and gingham, he’s dressed like the farmer’s daughter. They’d held him down by the back of his neck and forced ribbons into his hair. It’s humiliating, but when he’d started to strip layers his palms had been whipped until his hands had been skinned.

He hasn’t slept much. They don’t try to stop him from falling asleep, but they don’t stop. They don’t leave him alone. It’s started to eat away at what little is left of him like acid. He hallucinates — in the first few minutes that he’s alone in three days, Silas sits next to him. He’s warm and whole at Wren’s side and his reflection isn’t there in the mirror across from them. Just Wren, looking small and pathetic.

“I miss you,” he says.

He looks up at Silas, who looks down at him with a smile. He’d always had a very human, very charming smile. Crooked, because of the scar at the corner of his mouth.

“My Wren,” Silas says, and Wren sobs.

He wants to touch but he’s afraid to. Silas isn’t really there. “You really died on me this time,” he says softly, “didn’t you?”

Silas gives him that look, like Wren’s an idiot. Sometimes, it would make him laugh. This time, he sobs again. “I told you,” Silas tells him. “They’re gonna have to do more than kill me to keep me from you.”

Wren has to look away. He tips his head back against the wall behind him, closing his eyes. “Then where are you?” He asks him, barely more than a whisper. “Why didn’t you come for me?”

The door clicks open again. Wren’s seen too many men, too many soldiers; he’s starting to forget the nicknames they use to identify each other. He knows some of their first names, but those come and go, too. It doesn’t matter much either way; if he’s to refer to any of them, it’s sir or master. Except Point, of course, who’s daddy.

He can’t remember what this soldier is called but he knows his first name is Adam. Sandy blonde, broad shouldered, handsome in that distinct, high school football, dangerously spoiled rich kid kind of way. He’s mean. He smiles down at Wren, and it’s mean.

“Well, hello there, darlin’,” he says, tipping his head at Wren, mocking. A lot of them mock him. They mock his accent. The dress is mocking.

Once upon a time, as a teenager, Wren had been a pageant queen in Texas. How many different lives he’s lived.

“Aren’t you a pretty little thing?” Adam says. Purty, he says.

Silas isn’t sitting next to him anymore. There’s a man in here with him and Wren has never felt more alone in his life.

He might say please. He might not say anything.

It doesn’t matter, anyway. Adam pulls his belt free with a grin. “You ready to ride ‘em, cowgirl?”

Wren closes his eyes again. Adam hits him so hard his head ricochets back against the wall and he blinks up at him quickly, dazed.

“You look at me when I’m talking to you, cowgirl,” Adam scolds, still mocking. “Y’hear?”

“Please —“ Wren whispers, and Adam hits again. The pain ricochets in every one of Wren’s teeth.

“Y’hear?” Adam repeats.

“Yes,” he whispers, and Adam grabs him by the hair. He pulls him face down to the concrete, and holds his nose to the ground as he quickly pushes Wren’s skirts up around his waist. Wren sobs and there’s nobody to hear him but Adam, who groans in delight.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, sir,” Wren whispers, and Adam forces his face into the concrete a little harder, then harder still, until Wren cries out.

“There’s a good cowgirl,” he mocks. “Don’t be shy. Make some noise for me, now.”

When the door to Wren’s room explodes into rubble and chunks of concrete, it makes a hell of a lot of noise.

It makes so much noise that it makes Wren’s ears ring, and his eardrums ache in the aftermath. Adam jumps, not a leap but a twitch, as much of a jump as a soldier will manage, but his hands leave Wren’s skin for just enough time that Wren can scramble away, through the cloud of dust and chips of shattered rock.

“What the fuck?” Adam asks loudly.

The dust settles. The door had been kicked in with enough force that the wall on either side had crumbled.

Silas stands in the wreckage. And he does not look happy.

Wren almost thinks he’s hallucinating again, because Silas is dead. Wren had been so sure that this time Silas was dead. It had taken weeks, weeks before he’d given up hope and realized nobody was coming for him. Weeks before the guilt finally worked its way through the cracks and tried to eat him alive from the inside — he had gotten Silas killed.

But Wren’s room is mirrored, and he can see Silas in every reflection, huge and dark and mad. He looks at Wren, and he doesn’t look mad as he looks at him, not for a second. He almost looks sheepish.

“You aren’t dead,” Wren breathes.

And then Silas is looking at him like normal, like Wren is an idiot, and Wren sobs with so much force his ribs rattle against each other. “Why would I be dead?”

It’s such a stupid thing to say, and it’s so, completely Silas that Wren doesn’t think he could’ve hallucinated that if he were desperate to. He didn’t think he was capable of producing any more tears, but he watches through them as Silas pulls Adam’s spine out through the back of his neck.

It makes a sound like firecrackers, and Adam makes the softest, weakest sounds Wren thinks he’s ever heard. He still twitches in the aftermath, his body broken and mangled, and he keeps twitching for a long time, even after Silas pulls his scalp off his skull, even after he skins his face with his teeth. He’s finally still once Silas turns him over and removes half his ribcage through the flesh of his right side.

When he turns back to Wren, he shimmers red. He’s at his most intimidating, his most terrifying post carnage, but the smile he gives Wren from beneath the gore is deceptively boyish.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he says.

“What are you doing here?” Wren breathes. What he means is, I thought you were dead. Silas, I thought you were dead.

Silas’ boyish smile sharpens into something a little more fitting for somebody so massive and bloody. “I came to get you,” he explains. “I’m getting you out.”

[artistshadow]

Alright, here are some of my thoughts on some of the complaints I’m hearing about the Rise of Red. I’m not going to get into the whole Cameron/Carlos debate. I already made a post about that. But some of the things I’m going to comment on are the “mistreatment of Chloe”, the non-resolution to the QOH abuse toward Red, and the failed “prank” plot hole.

First off, with the “mistreatment of Chloe.” Now, I’ve watched the movie three times already. Is it the best movie that's ever been made? No. Is it enjoyable? Yes. Is everyone entitled to their opinions? Also yes. But that doesn’t mean some of us can’t help but roll our eyes and rub our temples at the sheer annoyance that some people have when it comes to their opinions. I’ve seen folks on this app say that the characters were treating Chloe like garbage because she was “acting like a princess, wanted to follow the rules, blah blah blah.” Now, you can say that, but from what I picked up, that was more of them calling her out and helping her recognize some flaws that she wasn’t aware of. Chloe was unaware of certain things due to her upbringing as a royal. It's important to approach these character actions with an open mind, as it allows for a more nuanced understanding of the movie. She really believed that if you were a good person, if you followed the rules, that if you did everything the good, moral, and decent way, then bad things were never gonna happen to you, that you would always come out on top, that good things were gonna come your way. And while that may be true to some extent, it isn’t that cut and dry.

Chloe was described from the beginning as a perfectionist, and while being a perfectionist isn’t always a bad thing, it can become very annoying very quickly. Trust me, as someone who jumps back and forth from being a perfectionist, I know.

Her meeting her mom in the past, when she was at her lowest, helped her come to that conclusion. Here is someone, Ella, who was living with her cruel stepfamily, being made to live like a servant, but still managed to keep something of a positive and open-minded look at things in life. That is why the scene “Gets Your Hands Dirty” is one of my favorites from the film cause it offers up the murky sides of things that we are taught when it comes to things that most people deem “good” and “bad.” Not everything is as simple as it seems. Sometimes, you can play things by the book, but it don’t result in anything. There are some people who do bad things for the sake of cruelty, but there are people who do bad things for the sake of others. Like they mentioned: Robin Hood. You can’t say that breaking the rules and doing something bad is wrong, but look at someone like that and say, “Oh, but he was helping others.” See the contradiction there? Chloe unfortunately fell into that with her way of thinking.

Back on the goody-goody things, let's go to the scene in the Tremaine Home. When Chloe accidentally breaks the vase, she says three specific things:

“It was my fault.” Good, good. Owning up your role in the incident, not letting Ella get the full blame.

“ But I’m very sorry….” Again, good. Acknowledging you feel remorse for it happening.

“...and it won’t ever happen again.” Now see, that's where she lost me.

She says this as if it makes everything ok. Now granted, she’s saying this to a woman who most definitely doesn’t give a damn if she’s sorry. But in the overall point, saying you’re sorry only goes so far. Action needs to be behind those words. And I’m not talking about “It won’t ever happen again.” Cause it's nice that you’re sorry and you won’t let it happen again…but the vase is still broken. None of what you are saying is gonna fix or replace that. What Chloe should have said was: “It was my fault. But I’m very sorry, and it won’t happen again. I’ll gladly pay for it to be fixed or even to get you a new one.” That’s would’ve been better. Again, I know Tremaine wouldn’t have given a shit either way but it would have established Chloe as someone who wanted to make up for her mistakes. But instead it came off some goody princess who thinks that a simple apology will solve things and make them better.

And back to the whole rule following thing. I’m not saying it's wrong to want to follow the rules the entire time, but following the rules doesn’t always result in you succeeding or even accomplishing your goal. Take Robin Hood again. Also, there are plenty of examples of heroic tales whether ones from long ago to books/tv shows/movies that portray the protagonist constantly breaking the rules and completing what they set out to do. So I don’t know what Chloe is thinking following the rules is going to get her in the situation that she is in now. Just saying. Hell, I’m pretty sure time traveling is breaking some kind of law of nature or other.

Now onto the “no-resolution for the QOH’s actions toward Red.'' This is gonna be pretty cut and dry. Y'all do realize that by changing the events of the past prevents the Queen from becoming the evil abusive asshole of a mother she is now right? So by that logic, none of the stuff she ever did to Red no longer happens. Red might still remember them (I don’t know if she would have any new memories of the current altered timeline) but she can’t exactly hold anything against this version of her mother. Hell, I'm pretty sure every bad thing the Queen did has been erased, every one she has ever hurt is probably fine now. So with that being brought up, I have to ask: Why would she have to apologize or be punished for anything that no longer exists? If nothing changed, then yeah by all means there would need to be some kind of resolution, but this is kind of it. That Queen of Hearts is gone, replaced by a much better and kinder version and Red gets what she’s always wanted and deserved: A mother who is kind and loves her. So if y’all are pissed at that and that the queen didn’t suffer any actual punishment then y'all can just go somewhere cause there’s really no point in arguing. Cause it’s coming off as y'all don’t want Red to be happy.

Now onto the “prank.” I will admit that the prank was kind of a weak excuse for a reason for Bridget to become as heartless as she was and the way they stopped the prank from happening was kind of trash, but I lowkey get how the prank would have had an everlasting effect on Bridget. Walk with me here for a second:

Bridget is a person who wants to be friends with everyone and lives her life by the idea that if you’re kind to everyone then it will all pay off in a good way. “You get more with sugar than salt.” That's one of the big reasons why Uliana hates her so much according to Ella. Because no matter how nasty Uliana is to Bridget, she (Bridget) continues to be nice to her because she wants to be friends with her even though Uli is a terrible person. Now Bridget is, I’m assuming, a person who is easily bullied as that's the only explanation I can fathom as to why someone as sweet as that who literally gives treats to everyone (FOR FREE) has no other friends than one person. Now let me tell you something, being bullied isn’t something that can easily be brushed off. Even those who act like it doesn't phase them can be holding back inside, burying how they really feel deep, deep, deep down. There’s no telling what Bridget was feeling on the inside for real. But maybe having Ella helped keep the pain at bay. So imagine you’re at your first dance ever with your best friend who goes off with someone else. You’re happy for her, no question, but her not being there later on comes back to bite the both of you. Especially if you’re turned into a monster in front of everyone by the person who you tried on multiple occasions to be nice to, give the benefit of the doubt, and tried to be friends with after you’re led to believe that it was paying off with the offer of a sweet treat. And while everyone is pointing and laughing, you can’t find your friend. Because she’s off with someone else and has seemingly left you behind after asking you to come with her to this event. I can see how all the pain and anger that you’ve been holding down, trying your hardest to suppress can come to the surface and all that niceness and goodness could go out the window because why bother being that person when it’s become clear that no matter what you do none of these people will ever like you or love you and that you really have no one to trust but yourself?

With that being said, I can see how a “stupid” prank like that could be the “perfect revenge” as turning Bridget into a monster on the outside resulted in her becoming a monster on the inside and it ruined the person she was before.

So do I think that that prank was the number one main reason as to why she became a villain today? No. Do I think it was the main catalyst that opened the door for more things to affect her going forward that resulted in her becoming a villain? Absolutely. I 100% believe that that prank was the reason the darkness was able to open up in her. Hell, like I said earlier, I wouldn’t be surprised if the monster-turning-prank had an after effect that left some of the monster inside her.🤷🏻

I haven’t thought much on the fact that if they VK’s get frozen because of the protection spell on the book they wouldn’t be able to pull off the prank plot hole. I can only assume that in the original timeline, they found some kind of way around it, one that possibly maybe involved Ella, but due to the fact that the book is no longer in that timeline, they never get the spell so everything is changed. I’m not sure.

Again, these are just my thoughts. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I just couldn’t sit back and hold my tongue for any longer. I’m gonna come out with something later on how I see the characters from the animated films going to school together low-key makes a little bit of sense.

[my-little-loverboy]

Oughsgksh thinking about newly human Neuvillette.

Pairing: Neuvillette / gn! oceanid! Reader

Cws: lil bit of hurt/comfort, sfw.

WC: 0.5k

“You’re like a fish out of water.”

The lithe man scowls at you as you chuckle at your own joke, your voice echoing from the water around him as his silvery scales fade in and out of existence as he practices moving between his human and dragon forms.

“I would like to see you try and engage successfully with a human. They’re painfully fickle, and their social structure is nuanced and strange compared to our own.”

He flexes his talons as they become hands, and you manifest your own flowing hands to hold them.

“Though I can’t help but feel like it’s not worth the effort.”

He frowns and stares at his hands and yours together.

“My love. You’ve been interested in humans for centuries, how many books do you have filled with notes on them hm? What has you discouraged after so long?”

He leans into you as you manifest the rest of your form out of the previously shapeless water. The smooth scales of his tail wrapping around you as you engulf him in your wings.

“I’ve spent many nights telling you about their mannerisms, do you happen to remember their social hierarchy?”

“Of course my love, I remember all that you’ve told me of them.”

His lips pull into a small smile, and his grip on his human form wanes, skin shaping back into scales as he speaks.

“Then you know the rigidity of it, how it’s easy to fall down through the ranks and near impossible to rise back up… I was firmly cast to its lowest tiers.”

He makes a point of keeping his form smaller than you as he settled into his draconic form, his wings folded neatly as he turned in your hold. Resting his head on your chest.

“I see… I’m shocked people weren’t more reverent. I thought the elemental dragons were important figures to them?”

“They are. But I fear my human disguise was too good. When I tried to introduce myself as the descendant of the hydro dragon they treated me like a madman.”

“Hm… I’m inclined to believe you'd not like to prove it to them?”

He tilts his head and blinks slowly, before speaking.

“No… no I fear their reaction would be too intense. I don’t seek worship, I simply want to…”

“You’d like to be human.”

He winces and looks away from you. Moving away from your hold, you make no effort to stop him, allowing him to make as much distance as he needs.

“You’re not upset at me for it, are you darling?”

“Of course not, with the fondness you speak of them with it’s unsurprising to be entirely honest with you love.”

He nods and offers you a distinctly human hand. Taking it gently with your wing you continue.

“Should you ever want to visit me I will always be here.”

He grips your wing tighter and kisses the appendage softly, looking up at you with a newfound determination.

“I suppose working from the bottom up is the most human thing I could do.”

You talk together until the early morning, when he chooses to make his way out of the water. The fresh morning sun catching his silky white hair as he wicks the water out of his clothing. He was a beautiful man as he was a beautiful dragon, and you find yourself admiring him as he left for his new life as Neuvillette, a human and nothing more.

Taglist: @yarnnerdally / @starrry-angel

Wanna be added? Send me an ask off anon!

[emilymk20]

TW: $u!c!d3 $h 4n4

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This is my note that I’ve had written out for a while 🙃 Fair warning, it is really long. I don’t know, maybe it could help somebody, whether it helps them keep going or just helps them relate. Much love 🫶🏻🖤

This is so cliche, but I feel obligated to leave some kind of explanation. I am absolutely positive there has always been something wrong with me. Normal people don’t want to die at eleven years old. One thing I was always good at was covering it up; I almost wish my struggle was more visible, but I know that people always just want to help and truthfully help is the last thing I want. More reason why there’s probably something wrong because who thinks like that? The one thing that I am losing is empathy. It was always empathy that made me “better.” I didn’t want to make anyone waste their time worrying and I didn’t want to be seen for what I am so I started eating more, I stopped cutting myself, I didn’t take the pills, I didn’t cry, I didn’t let myself feel anything. In a way that made me hold on; the idea that I didn’t want anyone to have to find my body, I didn’t want anybody to mourn me, I didn’t want anyone to think that they could have helped me, and I definitely didn’t want anyone to think that the decision I made was their fault. I don’t expect anyone to understand it, but nothing happened to make me feel this way. Some awful things have happened in the midst of it, but there’s no root cause or trigger; I apply blame to nothing and nobody except myself and the operations of my own brain.

I’m tired. It’s so difficult to explain, but I think I’ve felt so deeply for so long, I have nothing left to feel. I feel like a shell of a person. I’ve noticed a recent trend in the past three years that I’ve never experienced before in the impulsively of my emotional rollercoaster. I’ll spend days, weeks, sometimes months feeling so proud of myself and hopeful, motivated more than ever before to better myself, happy where I am, and then in a matter of minutes it all slips away from me. I push everyone away and I can’t help but stop trying. I won’t eat or I’ll eat until I’m sick from it, I’ll cut myself because that’s the only thing that can make me feel, I won’t sleep at all or I’ll sleep all day, I won’t clean, I won’t shower, I won’t even get up to use the restroom. It’s as if I go completely brain dead, but my thoughts still won’t stop racing. Then, once I can come to terms with it all and maybe find a solution, the mania hits again and it all doesn’t matter anymore because I feel like I’m on top of the world. I don’t eat because it feels good to be hungry or I’ll eat a lot because “I deserve it,” I don’t sleep because that seems like so much valuable time going to waste, or I’ll sleep a lot because it’s a form of self care and if my body is that tired I should let it, and I’ll cut myself still because it’s empowering and I find it almost pretty. Nothing tangible ever changes, just the unbearable fluctuation of my head. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to hide it, because to everyone on the outside, that is my normal.

I constantly feel like I’m watching myself glued to a tightrope. I can pull myself down to my lowest, feeling all that tension, and then suddenly skyrocket to my full potential. Well, I have to fall back down at some point, and I always do. The only thing is that I’m stuck. I’m stuck in my head in that cycle and the only way out is to fall off. Sure, there’s ways to get make it bearable, I mean there has to be some diagnosis for all this to explain it, but would I really want to spend my life maintaining symptoms? Would I really want to spend my whole life fighting? No. I don’t even want to spend the present fighting. I know from the outsider’s perspective I just seem lazy, and trust me, I feel that way too.

I can’t even begin to describe how exhausting it is. What I think about often is how humans are awake during the day, but you can always take a break when nighttime comes to sleep. I’m hyper aware of everything that takes my energy that I don’t have control over. My brain never stops thinking, my blood never stops pumping, my body never stops breathing…I know these are things that regular people don’t think about, but with every breath I take it feels like a loss. I just want nothing more than real rest and peace of mind. I don’t understand why things bother me when everyone else wouldn’t even have these thoughts pass their mind. Why am I so introspective and aware? Ignorance truly is bliss.

It seems really crazy, maybe because I am crazy, but the higher points of my life are more painful than the lows have been. There’s something so comforting about losing my drive, letting myself slow down, watching myself rot away and fall further from reality; it’s almost my ideal, but not quite. I just want true rest. I really wish I had the option to completely start over. I romanticize my childhood so much; bittersweet nostalgia is my biggest downfall. I was so clueless then; so full of joy. I wish that I could put my finger on what happened and when it all went wrong. I don’t know why I long for that life so much now; I love being independent and having the freedom to make my own decisions as an adult, but maybe it’s the immanence of responsibility always pushing me down. I miss the days before it started looming over me. I don’t feel as though I was ready to be on my own, I don’t think I ever learned how to handle that freedom because all I’ve done is abuse it. There are irreparable decisions that I’ve made for the specific purpose of digging myself deeper in a hole because I feel like that’s what I deserve. You can say that’s not true all you want, but it’s a little too late to still be invalidating my feelings so allow me.

My self hatred is so deep rooted, I can feel it in every nerve of my body. I’m embarrassed by myself. Truly, if I was somebody else, I wouldn’t even speak to me. I am undesirable in every aspect; I harbor so much jealousy, I’m a deadbeat, it’s probably been a decade since I’ve made a “good decision,” I’m annoying, I talk way too much, I have a huge ego (which is interesting because obviously I don’t like myself all that much), I have too much baggage, I’m ugly, I’m insecure, I have no room to consider anyone else in life, and I don’t care. To my core, I wish I could be anyone but me. I don’t know how to describe the gravity of me wishing I was dead. It doesn’t even seem like that big of a deal to me anymore because in all honesty I feel like I’ve been slowly slipping away anyways. Death is not a stranger to me; I feel like I’ve been hanging out on the front porch of the end for far too long, and I just can’t wait to step through that door. When I was little, it was always, “I want to die, but I guess I can wait until after _______…” There was still some hope back then. Now it seems that my hope has run out for me and I just don’t care anymore. I am sorry, but I have exhausted every option for me, and I believe that it’s time for me to regain control at least for a final moment.

[mrs-snape5984]

“Oh, but what will it take ‘till you believe in me the way that I believe in you?”

“I said I love you, that's forever. And this I promise from the heart, I couldn't love you any better. I love you just the way you are…” (“Just the way you are” by Billy Joel)

I will turn 40 years old in two months. 40 goddamn years on this planet…and only now - at my lowest point in my existence - I realised something. All my life, I’ve been hidden behind a mask. A mask, made of all my responsibilities and supposed duties, which I’ve put on from a far too young age. A mask, which helped me to hide all my ugly vulnerabilities and my true self from other people. A mask, which I thought would keep me going and going for lengths…hiding myself behind an “I’m fine” or a “No, it’s okay!”. A mask, which also came with the capability of erecting thick walls around my heart and soul…building a fort around the real Julia.

21 years ago, when I’ve found the perfect coping mechanism for myself in the love to Severus Snape, I started to allow myself being vulnerable in my little stories about Severus and my undeniably self-inserted OC Jules. Only Severus was permitted to know, what’s really going on behind this mask. He became the safe space for my deepest thoughts and emotions…the only place, where I’ve granted myself the right to express my own wishes.

And suddenly, after almost 40 years of existing in this world, I recognised, that there’s a drawbridge to my fort…and that there’s someone, who’s brave enough to knock on my door. Someone, who isn’t afraid of looking at the personality behind my mask. Throwing all my unpleasant traits at them, the defensive guards of my fort tried to scare them off in an almost desperate attempt…pushing them away to protect my raw core from being seen.

But my guards got propitiated by this someone. One after the other, they laid down their weapons and lowered the drawbridge ever so slightly…centimetres for centimetres…until someone slipped into my fort…getting a glimpse of the real Julia behind the mask. They made themselves comfortable within the black walls of my fort and switched a light on. This little light is shining through the eyes of my mask now…and it didn’t stay unnoticed.

All of a sudden, some people started to notice a change in my mood, my behaviour and my attitude. Even my children are wondering about the unfamiliar lighthearted happiness of their mother…despite the confines of my disease ME/CFS. Someone lit a fire in the darkest corners of my heart…and for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to acknowledge my own wishes and hopes. Maybe, I don’t have to hide myself behind walls and a mask the whole time? Maybe, there’s even some beauty in the rawness of my soul? Maybe, I’ll be bold enough to act on my own dreams and desires for once? Maybe, this time, I’ll be brave enough to stand up for myself…and let myself heal. Maybe, for once, the mask will be discarded for someone.

As always, when I’m thinking of these complex urges to express myself through Severus and Jules, I commissioned my dear friend @madfantasy to help me by creating the perfect artwork for my ideas. Mani, you beautiful gem of a human being, you’ve outdone yourself with these masterpieces! When I explained my imagination of Jules, showing herself to others (here presented as an audience behind the green flames of the fireplace) only behind the alleged safety of her well worn mask, I wouldn’t have thought, that your realisation of this idea would even be possible like that. But again, it seems as if you’re capable of understanding the pictures on my mind. Thank you for your willingness to hold the paint brush…helping me to pour my emotions out into art. Feel hugged, my precious friend.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[dawninlatin]

Crying in the IKEA parking lot

a feysand modern au one shot written for @officialfeysandweek2023

Feyre is having an emotional breakdown in the IKEA parking lot, but luckily a handsome stranger comes to her rescue

Words: 2,2k | Masterlist | AO3 Link

Feyre had experienced many low points in her twenty-two years, but crying in the parking lot of IKEA had to be one of the lowest.

To be fair, she was having a pretty shit day, a shit year, even, but that didn’t make her feel any better as she stared at the scratch on the shiny, expensive-looking car parked next to hers.

A scratch that was one hundred percent her fault.

She let out a pathetic sob as her mind replayed the moment when she’d been too busy cursing at the furniture she couldn’t fit in her trunk to notice that her cart was rolling away from her, straight into the other car.

There was no way she could afford to pay for the repair, especially not now, when she’d just spent the little money she had on a dining table and a single chair for her mostly empty apartment.

Feyre gave the package still sitting on the ground a kick in frustration. «Fucking useless piece of shit!»

«Are you okay? Do you perhaps need any help with that…?»

The voice startled her, and Feyre whirled around, suddenly facing the most beautiful man she had ever seen. He looked at her with a mix of concern and curiosity, his eyes so blue they almost seemed violet.

«I’m fine,» Feyre answered a little too quickly, plastering on a fake smile and pretending her face wasn’t all puffy and red. She’d gotten so used to telling this lie lately, it came on autopilot.

Unfortunately, the stranger wasn’t a complete idiot, and didn’t buy her lie. The few tears still running down her cheeks probably didn’t help either. «So crying in the middle of a parking lot is just something you do for fun?» The question was accompanied by a perfectly raised eyebrow. 

Smile dropping, Feyre replied, «No, it’s just-»

And that’s all it took for the floodgates to open once more. 

«I’ve had a really shitty time lately, and I just needed to get a table because I don’t wanna eat every meal sitting on the floor for the rest of my life, but then I came out here and I can’t get the fucking box in my car and then I accidentally scratched the car next to mine and I know I should be the better person here and leave a note but there is no way I can afford to pay for it to be repaired!» She was full-on sobbing again, choking out the words. 

When she’d managed to calm down a little, the crying reduced to sniffling, she looked up, surprised to find that the man still stood there. Feyre had expected her little mental breakdown to scare away the stranger, he’d only asked if she needed help, after all, but there he was, offering her a soft smile and a tissue. «So a really shitty day then?»

«Yeah,» Feyre replied weakly, wiping her tears.

«I wouldn’t worry too much about the car, though.»

«Why?» 

He smirked, and it made Feyre want to kiss his handsome face and punch it at the same time. She really should see a therapist or something. «Because if they can afford a car like that, the asshole can probably afford a repair as well.»

This time, when Feyre smiled, it was real. It felt good, after all this time.

«So, did you need any help?» the guy asked, gesturing towards the package still on the ground.

Feyre had barely nodded before he strode over, and in a single, seemingly effortless move lifted it into her car. It annoyed her to no end, but she was also grateful, because it meant she could get out of here and forget this completely mortifying experience ever happened.

«Thanks, uhm…» She didn’t even know his name, she realized.

«Rhysand, though my friends call me Rhys,» he offered, grinning.

His name was Rhys, and he had dimples. How was it possible to be this attractive?

«I’m Feyre,» she replied, completely cool, calm and collected…probably.

«Well, it was nice meeting you, Feyre, darling. I have to go and brave the hell that is IKEA to get something for my stupid cousin, but I hope the rest of your day is better!»

Feyre actually chuckled this time, giving him a wave and a «Good luck!» as he walked away. She watched him in a totally non-creepy way until he’d fully disappeared into the large store, relishing the way she felt kinda good right now. One encounter with a kind human didn’t fix all her problems, but it gave her back some of the faith she’d lost in humanity long ago.

Still smiling, Feyre got into the driver’s seat, but she didn’t start the car. Instead, her attention was pulled to the passenger seat, and the abandoned sketchbook that’d been lying there for months now.

She sucked in a sharp breath at the sudden urge to draw again. The familiar itching in her hands could have brought her to tears if she’d had any left. Maybe she actually could feel like herself again, someday in the future…

Glancing at the car next to hers, Feyre contemplated her choices. There was no way she could afford the repair bill, but no matter how she thought about it, the only right thing to do was choose kindness. What if the rich asshole was having an equally shit day?

That didn’t mean Feyre couldn’t make them feel as sorry for her as possible, though. Maybe if they knew what a mess she was, it would get her out of paying.

So she rummaged around in her car until she found a pencil, then she picked up her sketchbook and started drawing for the first time in months.

-

Feyre groaned for what had to be the hundredth time as she struggled to assemble the table. Wasn’t this supposed to be easy?!

She knew she should just go to bed and try again in the morning, but she wanted to do this, wanted to show the universe she could manage on her own.

Who knew leaving your abusive ex when you had no job, no education, no friends and no contact with your family would be so difficult?

Just when Feyre was about to give up, her phone suddenly chimed, alerting her of a new text.

Anxiously, she picked up the phone, her stomach flipping as she read the text from an unknown number.

Is this Feyre Archeron?

It had to be the owner of the car, Feyre thought. After all, she’d ended up leaving a rather creative note describing what had happened, signed with her full name and number.

The note had consisted of eight comic panels, first showing an overly animated Feyre looking miserable in her empty apartment, then her looking miserable in IKEA, her emptying her pockets at the register, then swearing as she tries to get the package into her car. Next featured a few panels very dramatically portraying how the cart had rolled into the car completely on it’s own, ending with Feyre drowning all of IKEA in her tears.

To be honest, she was kind of proud of it.

Chewing her lip, Feyre typed back a simple «Yes».

Mere seconds later, it started ringing, that same number appearing on the screen. She nearly dropped it in panic, and honestly wanted to just chuck it out the window. She did not want to buy a new phone though, especially not if she had to spend thousands on repairing an ugly-ass car that wasn’t even hers.

Hands shaking, she pressed reply, bringing the phone to her ear. «Hello?»

«That comic is the best thing I’ve ever seen. I’m seriously gonna frame it and hang it on my wall.»

Feyre’s heart promptly stopped as she heard the deep, silky voice. She would recognize it anywhere, if only from the things it did to her body.

«Rhys?!» she choked out.

«I told you to not worry about the car.» She could hear the smirk in his voice, and for some reason it filled her with rage.

«That was your car?! Why the hell didn’t you say so? I made a complete fool of myself in front of you-»

«No you didn’t,» Rhys interrupted her. «And I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to stress you out even more. I’m sorry if that was wrong of me.»

Well, that was awfully…charming of him. Feyre didn’t know what to do with all these feelings swirling inside her. Especially not after living on autopilot for so long.

«Just tell me how much I owe you,» Feyre sighed. 

«How about you let me help you build that furniture, and we’ll call it even?»

«What? That’s ridiculous!» There had to be something seriously wrong with this guy, if he thought getting to help her with her furniture would make them even.

«Text me your address, and I’ll be there in thirty. With pizza.» 

And then he just hung up.

-

Exactly thirty minutes later, Feyre opened her front door to find Rhys on the other side, pizza in hand and a panty-dropping smile on his face. «Hello, Feyre, darling.»

«Ugh, just get in.» She was too hungry to bother with pleasantries. 

He followed her into the kitchen area, setting the pizza on the counter. Feyre busied herself with getting a glass of water, trying to not let her embarrassment show as he took in the space. She really hadn’t been kidding when she’d said it was all empty.

Well, apart from the still-not-assembled table.

When she looked up, though, he was looking at her, not the empty space. 

«Just so we’re clear, I have no ulterior motives in doing this,» Rhys spoke, all serious. His gaze so intense she couldn’t look away.

«I’m not gonna deny that I find you very attractive, and I would love to take you on a date some day, but right now, what I think we both need the most, is a friend.» 

Her chest ached at the pain she glimpsed in his violet eyes, a fellow lost soul. Maybe he was just as lonely, just as broken, despite the easy smiles? Feyre smiled faintly, thinking that she wouldn’t mind a friend right now.

Then Rhys opened his mouth again, and the moment was ruined. «And we both know you find me incredibly handsome because duh,» he gestured to his face, and Feyre scowled, flipping him off.

«Are you even qualified to build furniture?» Feyre asked, all serious. If he turned out to be excellent at this she would lose it.

«Are you kidding me? My great-great-grandfather was Swedish. I’ll show you my family tree to prove it.»

«You’re such a prick!» Feyre exclaimed, smacking his arm, but she was laughing as she did it.

This was gonna end in disaster.

-

«You’re even worse at this than I am!»

«I swear, there has to be something wrong with this table!»

The puzzled expression on Rhys’ face as he sat with the final leg of the table in his hand and seemingly no where to put it made Feyre laugh so hard her stomach hurt a little.

They hadn’t gotten much further from where Feyre had been before Rhys showed up to help her.

«I don’t understand…There are four legs, and four corners, so why won’t it fit?!» 

«Let me have a look,» Feyre chuckled, leaning into Rhys’ space to study the instructions once more.

As she reached forward to turn back a page, her hand brushed against his, and she let out a quiet gasp at the contact. He was so close she could feel the warmth emanating from him. 

Neither of them moved for a moment, the tension between them nearly tangible. 

Then Feyre turned her head, slowly, finding his eyes already locked on her, his gaze intense. It would be so easy to just lean in and kiss him, taste him.

Surprisingly, a part of her wanted to. Feyre knew she could be oblivious, but one had to be a complete idiot to not feel the chemistry between them, the spark that had been there from the very first moment.

Her life was too much of a mess at the moment, though. She needed to get her head above water first, needed more time to heal the wounds from her previous disaster of a relationship.

So Feyre pulled away, swiftly ending the moment. She could sense a shift in Rhys as well, but where she’d expected disappointment, maybe even annoyance, she only found a quiet, patient calm, the soft smile on his face telling her he understood, and he was willing to wait, but if she one day was ready, he would be there.

«I may have lied when I said I was a pro at this…»

«I knew it!»

Feyre gave Rhys a smile of her own, so grateful that he didn’t make things awkward after her subtle rejection. She hoped he could see the words she couldn’t voice quite yet.

I want to, I really do, but I’m not ready.

I haven’t had this much fun in ages.

You’ve made me feel alive again.

Having him as her friend would have to be enough.

For now.

A/N: don't ask about the header i was feeling creative today...

ANYWAY I have returned from the dead (I just started college) to give you this:):) I also actually had a beta reader this time, so kudos to my roommate! I'm sorry for making you read this and watch glee with me at the same time<3<3<3 Feel free to reblog, leave a comment or drop by my ask box, I love attention:)

Taglist: @ireallyshouldsleeprn @rowaelinismyotp

I keep a separate taglist for each ship, so let me know if you want to be added to any of them!

[mytrouvailles]

night in the woods is such an important game for me and i can’t ever explain as in depth as i want to but i just replayed it for the seventh year in a row so here we go

mae’s from a small town, a poor town. she’s got her close knit friends. and everyone else has got this perception of her that they’ve attached to her since she was young. lots of people bringing up her past and not even opening their minds to the fact that she may have changed, it’s just a bunch of no one’s forgotten who you are or what you did, you know. people that never even knew mae in the past, like lori m., know about what she did. it’s small town talk, and small town talk always moves around in ways you never want it to.

it takes forever in the game for mae to finally open up about why she left college, and it’s because of exactly what the small town folk have assumed of her: she hasn’t changed. she still has this illness and she represses it because that’s what she’s told to do, rather than process it, work through it like selmers says to. she represses it so deeply that we, the player, spend the entire game wondering what our character is going through. we see mae’s thoughts and feelings and what she says and doesn’t say to people, and yet she never mentions how difficult it is for her to feel alright, even internally. and it’s so devastating to have a repressed illness that you’ve shown so many clear signs of, one that you’ve been taught to ignore until your wires snap. one that takes so hard of a toll on your well-being, makes it impossible to do what seems so easy for others. and it’s so real.

i think that’s what i love most and identify most with this game, is that it’s real. from mae’s repressed mental illnesses to gregg’s insecurities with himself to bea’s losses and angus’ abusive home life, it’s real. there are people out there with lives exactly like these.

i’m from a small town, a poor town. i’ve known people like mae, gregg, and bea, and angus. i’ve known kids that were neglected, abused, ignored. i’ve known shoplifters and people that armed themselves on the street and who’ve lost their loved ones at the worst of times. i personally was not the kindest or well-behaved teenager, and i’ve watched the same people i was with then either grow into redeemable people or get themselves into something irreversible. and just like in the game, people act like they’ve forgotten about all of that. that’s small town polite right there. something happened and the signs were there, it was all the talk for a while. our moms told us not to talk to you. and suddenly you’re told to get over it without any sort of diagnosis, an answer. and everyone passes over it, even your closest friends, as if they have blocked it out of their brains for the convenience of not dealing with it. until you drown in it, and something else happens.

i’m in college now, and every time i visit home i get this feeling, one that nothing changed but yet everything did. i see someone i know with every step i take. some will serve me at the restaurant i go to eat at to catch up with my family. some will be greeting me at the only grocery store in town. some will have passed away and some will have been arrested. my high school friends have grown up, they’ve either worked or graduated college or are nearing there, they’ve set themselves up with full time careers and plans and relationships. and yet i feel as though i’ve regressed in life, i’ve decided to go to school for even longer to prevent growing up. i stayed here and got older, while you went off and stayed the same.

and it’s one thing to feel like you’ve made it no where compared to your lowest point, but it’s another to still have doubts of yourself after you’ve become a better person. you can move away, make new friends, find a loving relationship. you can start on a completely clear slate, but at the end of everything, it’s nothing but a facade if you don’t truly feel redeemable in your heart. you question how you deserve something so good, how you possibly could be seen and loved by people who know what you are, when you don’t even know yourself. i’m a good person, right? i have really up up days and really down down days, and i don’t know which it is until it’s over sometimes.

mae has no idea what she is, what her point is, there’s nothing but holding on to what she thinks is herself and her friends and her world, which is realistically so much different than how she sees it. gregg knows what he is, he knows what he was and what he wants to be. he knows that there are parts of himself that get in the way of truly believing he is good. i think that mae is in some sort of denial about learning who she is in her early adult life, constantly looking back at the past and pretending that things aren’t different when they are. where gregg is growing into himself, coming to terms with commitment and responsibility and making up for the reckless person he once was. still fearing to regress back into his more careless self, and destroy those expectations of maturity when mae is around.

throughout my seventh play-through, i found myself relating to mae and gregg more than any other characters. i have a feeling that as i have grown up, moved away, started taking care of myself as an adult, i see more and feel more for what mae and gregg each go through. mae is unhealthily attached to her hometown because attempting to start new had regressed her mental state. gregg seems to be doing all he can to get out of town, move away and start fresh. i believe that mae and gregg had grown up in their own fucked up ways, yet they have discovered opposite, personal reasons for moving past it all. they represent something that one person could always experience; they could ache for and return to familiarity, whether it’s real or not. but they could also beg and work for change. these are two feelings that i hold deep in my chest, and some days i feel one or the other, or both.

a small hometown is a bittersweet experience; it can leave you with a sense of safety, community, and flexible routine. but it can also be despicable, it can be suffocating, it can be nothing but another town, another mass of people to live far away from. mae and gregg represent this spectrum, from enjoying staying in one place to doing anything to get away from it. their reasons and their fears and their feelings are so real.

i am a woman in her 20s, who has always grown up with a complicated relationship with her hometown. i’ve never played a game that has ever hit me this hard, nor stuck with me for this long. i make it a point to replay it every year because it helps. i realize something new about these characters, i identify more with their experiences. it’s comforting, and it’s healing.

so when i tell people about this game, and i talk about getting a tattoo from it and they look at me like i’m crazy, i understand that they’ll never know why.

[drainslo]

Brains & Brain: Chapter 4: Nightmares

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You repeat in your head, a shooter, before you’re overwhelmed. The gunshots are all you can hear, and reality starts to distort as your ears ring. “Run!” a woman in heels screams before she’s gunned down. You barely stumble behind a car before the shots hit the spot where you just were.

Everything is so dizzy, you can’t keep steady. The scene before you blurs as you hear the screams of agony of a man on the floor. There’s a bullet hole in his chest, yet he’s still screaming. It’s clear to you that he wishes he was dead like the shooter next to him.

You’re standing with a gun pointed out. Your hands are shaking as you follow the trail of the gun to the man on the floor. He’s looking at you, swearing something inaudible as the world keeps spinning.

You think that you’re going to fall through the cracks until you feel the hand of Niragi behind you. He grabs your shoulder and says something inaudible. You turn around to look at him when he vanishes. The bloodied man is in his place with blood streaming down his face. He’s screaming in your face and you cover your head, wishing for it all to end.

With a jolt, you startled awake. Your head is pounding from the hangover from the other night. You wanted to drink to avoid it, but Chishiya’s reminder of the game triggered your nightmares again. 

Just when you started to forget, he brought you back to hell.

You turned to the second bed that now occupied your room, half expecting to see Chishiya lying there. The sheets are neatly folded like nobody had ever been there. The starch of the sheets was ironed as if it were new. 

At least Chishiya had the decency to leave you alone. 

You changed your swimwear, and walked towards the fitness center to blow off some steam. You wanted to feel the physical burn of your muscles to replace the emotional anguish you woke up in.

As you walked, you noticed a woman in blue swimwear leaning against a column watching the direction you came from. She smoked a cigarette, and locked eyes with you.

She approached you, and waved like you were a familiar friend. This was the first time you had ever seen her in your life.   

“Hi there! You’re (Name), right?” she grinned like there was an inside joke you were missing.

“Yes,” you said tentatively, unsure about her demeanor. “I’m (Name). And you are?” Your voice trailed off in confusion.

“Wow, he didn’t mention me at all.” the woman murmured under her breath. She was so quiet you almost missed it.

“I’m Kuina! I’ve heard you’re like the spades player! I’ve been looking for someone to spar with. I used to do Kyokushin Karate in the real world, and I feel rusty.”

Her warm tone and friendliness relieved your uneasiness, but you still felt that there was something missing. You shook off the feeling and smiled at her. To you, she seemed like a genuinely good person, so there shouldn’t have been any reason to feel that way.

“I’m not really that great, I’m the lowest ranking executive after all. I just clear spades here and there. I just like to keep my physical fitness up in my free time. I haven’t practiced Karate really in a while. I stopped in college because I didn’t have time,” you replied.

“There’s always time to shake the rust off! Come on, I know a place to practice” Kuina said and linked arms with you, guiding you towards an empty room you hadn’t known about.

You chattered pleasantly with her throughout the way, and you felt a friendship begin to form between you two. The anxious feeling from your stomach lessened with every step you took until you entered the room.

Kuina abruptly detached your arms to assume a fighting stance and smiled at you expectantly. “Well?”

You mimicked her stance, and laughed lightly. “Don’t expect much from me,” you warned.

“You can’t be that bad!” was Kuina’s reply.

You hoped you weren’t.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

After losing to Kuina, you rubbed the parts of your body that were aching. You weren’t awful, you were just very out of practice with sparring. It made you feel better to release some steam after fighting with Kuina. The nightmare felt like a distant memory.

Kuina apologized for injuring you, and said, “Hey! You were pretty good for being rusty.”

You fought to grin but all you could manage was a disturbing grimace. 

Kuina saw the expression on your face and burst out laughing. “God, you look like Chishiya when he tries to be nice!”

You froze at the mention of Chishiya’s name. Kuina noticed when you did and cursed under her breath. “I’m sorry, shit I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

“Say what?” you questioned. You had no idea how Kuina was involved with Chishiya, and you weren’t sure if you wanted to know.

“Um,” Kuina paused as if thinking about what to say next. “I like you, so I’ll be honest. I’m not exactly sure what happened between you two, but Chishiya told me to meet you here.”

“Why would he do that?” you prompted Kuina to continue.

“He vaguely said that you would need a nice person to be around, and he said if we reached an um cordial- his words not mine- point, to deliver a message. He wanted to express that he regretted the words he said to you.”

You immediately began to laugh at the way Chishiya apologized. “He couldn’t say this himself?”

Kuina cracked an uneasy smile. “I know you don’t know Chishiya that well, but he has his own ways of doing things. I don’t think he’s ever apologized for anything his entire life to be honest.”

A thought suddenly struck you after Kuina spoke. 

“Kuina,” you said slowly. “Do you know that I’m sharing a room with Chishiya?”

Kuina’s smile slowly faded to horrified. “You? You’re the one who he’s rooming with? Oh my god.” She took a couple steps away from you and covered her mouth with her hand. 

“He said that he was being considered for an executive position, and that Hatter made him room with someone, but he never told me who! God I’m so sorry,” Kuina said, looking truly apologetic. “Let me take you out for a drink tonight.”

You shook your head, your faint headache serving as a reminder of that morning. “I have a hangover,” you explained at her confused look.

“And I made you spar with me! Some other time then,” Kuina offered. She made a motion like she was looking at a watch, but there was nothing on her wrist. “Look at the time, I have to go!” she said and quickly darted away before you could say anything.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the next week, Chishiya didn’t enter the room you shared. You weren’t sure if you were disappointed or relieved. Kuina was true to her word, and brought you to the Beach’s bar a couple days later. She showed up at your room without explanation, and dragged you to the bar.

It was a pleasant experience because Kuina was so nice, but you did notice that she didn’t bring up Chishiya again.

You woke up Tuesday morning to find Chishiya sitting at the office chair where you first met him. You instinctively grabbed blankets to cover yourself but he didn’t turn your way.

Hearing the movement from your bed, Chishiya broke the silence of the morning before you could even process his presence. “I’ve been reading on shooting techniques, and I’ve concluded that without proper time commitment, I am essentially a lost cause.” 

He paused before continuing. “Meeting once a week won’t be suitable for me to become experienced enough to be useful in an actual situation.”

You blinked before the gravity of his words hit you. Chishiya wasn’t acknowledging what had happened last time you met, or Kuina. He was only focused on his ability to learn how to shoot. It was like your feelings didn’t matter, and he only prioritized the amount of time it took for him to become decent with a gun.

“So you want us to meet more frequently,” you said slowly. You weren’t sure if you could handle him in large doses.

To your surprise, Chishiya shook his head. “Only Tuesdays are fine. I would appreciate being able to go in my free time.”

His statement made you more uneasy. The shooting range was only for militants, and Chishiya wasn’t even supposed to have access to guns. He could get you in trouble if he were caught by someone.

“I could tell you when the militants are playing games, but that’s the best I can do for you,” you said.

Chishiya nodded. “That’s more than fine. I’m aware that this is a large ask after the last time we met. If you would let me, instead of meeting to shoot today I’d like to meet with you in the evening at the bar.”

You didn’t want to guess how Chishiya knew that you frequently hung around the bar. Maybe he got the idea from Kuina. You thought that this was another way to express that he felt remorse for his actions, and you weren’t going to deny him the opportunity to buy you a drink.

“I’ll meet you later,” you said, and he walked out of the room.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chishiya stopped by like Kuina, without warning or knocking, and you silently followed him to the bar.

“The usual?” the bartender asked you when you sat down. You nodded at him, and Chishiya said that he would be getting the same.

“How do you know what I’m getting?” you asked Chishiya, wrinkling your brow.

“I don’t.”

You sat in silence before the bartender brought you both your drinks. As you sipped your martini, you felt that it became unbearable. You decided to offer Chishiya a vague explanation.

“When I played the nine of spades, that was my hardest game I’ve ever played. It was how I met Niragi,” you said, and downed your entire drink shortly after. 

Chishiya looked contemplative at what you had just said. “Any game with Niragi would be difficult,” he said dryly, earning a laugh from you.

“Niragi isn’t that bad, he’s just a little dramatic sometimes,” you smiled and ordered another drink from the bartender. You thought fondly of Niragi, but for some reason you hadn’t really run into him recently. Every time you saw him he made weak excuses to go, and he always seemed eager to leave any conversation.

“Is the nine of spades how you got your executive position?” Chishiya asked, abruptly interrupting your train of thought.

You nodded and squeezed your glass nervously. “It was. I don’t know if it was worth the price.”

You fell into silence with Chishiya once more, and the bartender brought over drink after drink. Anytime you were reminded of the nine of spades, you drank more than usual. You talked lightly with Chishiya about your life before the Borderlands, and he didn’t say much. The lack of banter seemed odd.

It was like he became a completely different person overnight.

He was a very good listener, you realized. You became less and less aware of what you were talking about as you drank more. 

You thought that at some point you got up and started walking. You felt a couple pushes of hands steading you. It was like walking through a mirror maze, but less fun. 

Everything blurred together until it was morning again, and you woke up in your room without feeling anything. No nightmares, you thought gratefully. The problem with not having any nightmares was that you had to be practically black-out drunk to achieve it.

But if you were that drunk, somebody had to bring you back. You turned to the right to find Chishiya sleeping in the second bed in your room, his face tranquil and relaxed. 

A/N: I realized this chapter is super long compared to the others!! I actually mapped out the plot chap by chap so now the chapters are going to be longer :)

[7ndipity]

For the soulmate drabbles:

Yoongi and feeling the pain your soulmate is feeling maybe? I was thinking about his accident obviously, but maybe you could find a way to take it to a more emotional level, like, his soulmate is going through something tough emotionally and he reacts to it?

For Joon (I’ve been in my Joon feelings a lot lately, so here comes the super duper personal idea I guess): not first words, but the worst things your soulmate has ever thought about themselves is written on your skin. The words may change or fade with time, but you can see their progress in life, or at least their progress in terms of accepting themselves. (I’m pretty turbulent as a person, I’ve had the most difficult growth in the past year and I always got that vibe from Joon too, like he’s searching for answers about himself and his place in the world, but getting frustrated with the answers. It would be nice to have someone understand I guess?)

For Tae: soulmate au where your pet recognizes your soulmate for you. Like, you know how people are like “if my dog doesn’t trust you, I don’t trust you”? Now take that, have a sassy Tannie peacefully rejecting every date Tae has ever had, but just randomly arriving at the conclusion that “hey this random lady at the bakery down the road has good vibes, she is the one”. Chance encounter, bonus points if they take the enemies to soulmates route ;)

I don’t really have any good ideas for Hobi and Jimin though :(

Omg the angst of the Yoongi and Joon ones, I would cry my eyes out writing those!😭😭

They're both such a fascinating concept tho, like we hide so much about ourselves and what we're actually feeling, but your soulmate's the only person you can't hide from. They've seen/felt your lowest moments, they know what you've gone though or what you're feeling, and they still love you😭💜

I also think the Tae ones really cute, especially as dog/cat mom, cause fr, if they don't like you, you're out!🤷 And Tannie's got such an attitude, I could see Tae just being in absolute disbelief like "You can't be serious?!" when he actually likes someone!

[the-teddy-bear-butch]

Hi how are you? Ask game time!

16, 47, 65 & 93?

:)

Hi anon!! I’m doing wonderfully rn! God bless the end of finals and the upcoming summer break. How are you? (Should you feel comfortable enough to reply, of course! I don’t bite :3) Thank you for giving me a chance to ramble :3 um. 16 got long so it’s at the bottom 🥰

47: how well-decorated is your bedroom?

That depends! If you mean well decorated as in how much decoration, yes, lots! Well as in nice/aesthetic um? I like it, but I know my maximalist style can be a Lot for some people LMAO. I have posters and D&D art everywhere, a rainbow carpet, Christmas lights strung through my bookshelf, knick knacks everywhere, etc.

65: do you have a Signature Outfit™?

Oh yes absolutely. Or at least a signature formula: graphic t-shirt under matching button up, jeans or shorts, maybe a cap or beanie. Here’s my favorite button up and jeans just for sillies :3

93: favorite game?

In an every context possible way (board game vs video game vs ttrpg), D&D, hands fucking down. But in terms of video games, I adore the Mass Effect series. No other video game series has made me cry quite so much. Baldur’s Gate 3 is a close second, though I am still in Act 3.

16: is there anyone you're not biologically related to that you consider "family"?

ABSOLUTELY. In fact, why don’t I tag those of them that exist here as an excuse to be a huge fucking sap about it and so you all can go follow them. (Uh. This gets long, so adding a read more thing. I get sappy after 10 pm oopsies)

While I am no longer in the fandom that brought us all together (nor are most of them), I do have to thank that fandom for being what put us all in one place. One beta reading comment left on a fic inspired me to finally pick up D&D again after years of failed campaigns—and we’ve been going strong near a year and a half now. This D&D group is fucking everything to me. These people have been with my through the lowest points of my life and I owe everything to them. Not only are they all talented in art, writing, poetry, and the many things they do, but they are all absolutely incredible people and the best friends I ever could have asked for. One little comment genuinely changed my life.

@daughterofdrearburh is one of the coolest people in the world. She’s smart as a whip, hilarious as fuck, and one of the kindest hearts I’ve ever met. If you get the chance, you should bug her about her novel (I am the number one Starblossom fan) and about her horse, Ginger, who she has made incredible strides with. I admire her a lot. Also about her homebrew/framkensteined together TTRPG she’s running, because it’s a fucking blast!!

@ninthhousesteel was actually the first of the gang that I was mutuals with!! She’s also incredibly funny (probably the most hilarious person I know, seriously they pop out of fucking nowhere with one liners that’ll leave you in stitches). She’s so fucking smart and doing incredible things in engineering (I may not understand it, but I know they’re going to do great things), as well as being a great artist and wonderful writer. Also? Incredible taste in music, frankly. Another thing to bug them about!

@haaawaiianshirt is like. I don’t even know where to start. The best personality ever. She’s funny, outgoing, unbelievably sweet, with just the right amount of bite! She’s like summertime personified, just warm and the best to be around. You can’t help but smile. Add onto that the most delicious art style and an incredible talent for so many different crafts (ask her about crochet beast!!). They’re going to be famous one day for being behind the set design of all your favorite theme parks and theme park rides.

@candle-lion is so COOL. I genuinely look up to her so so so much. Again with the super funny (literally can’t breathe with this group, you will be in stitches). One of the most talented writers I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading, an incredible DM, master at roleplay and making characters you can’t help but fall in love with, as a player or a DM. I admire everything she does in teaching—she is exactly the kind of teacher that our world is in desperate need of. She’s going to change lives, I just know it.

@lavenderlevetan where Emmie is summertime, Eve is autumn. She’s so unbelievably chill, a breath of fresh air to be around, a warm mug of tea of a person, if you catch my drift. She’s so sweet and so smart and sooo wonderful to hang out with, with possibly the most lovely laugh ever. Her writing is immaculate, and god I just LOVE the way she builds characters. You can’t help but be sucked into their inner workings. And yet another incredible artist!!

@suwunnysideup the master storyteller. I have never met someone with such a skill for weaving together stories and characters in such a beautiful web that you can’t help but be starstruck. Seriously, the world building is insane and so in depth, you can see how much they really care. They’re a fucking riot and my best fucking friend. Once again, another insanely talented artist, I need to shake their art like a chew toy. Ask them about carpe diem :3

And last but not least, while not an active PC in our main campaign, the group would not be complete without @avocadosockz . Our resident meme maker, comedian, character arc instigator, beloved guest star NPC, and best audience in the world—while also joining our side campaign as the funniest possible character choice in the world (ask her about Sadie!). Another amazingly supportive person who I appreciate with all of my heart, I love bouncing evil ideas off of her in DMs to enact upon the rest of the party. Excited for our next little scheme >:3

That’s the D&D group covered but I’m not done, if you would believe it. I will take every single chance to be a complete sap about my friends.

More people I met through fandom! I haven’t talked to them as much in recent months, which I’m terribly guilty about, they are all incredible people. @lionydoorin is a wonderful artist and a super sweet person, someone you can always rely on. They’re going to med school and I know they’re going to be fucking amazing in their field. @idyllghost is another rad artist and one of my first really good friends here in Tumblr! He’s so sweet, so funny, and so good at poetry and writing too. An artistic genius in so many ways.

@whiteredrose13 is possibly my oldest internet friend. I think we’re going on?? 5+ years now? Which isn’t much compared to some of y’all, but it’s a lot to me. Rose is one of the kindest, most supportive people in the entire world. She’s so unbelievably patient, listening to me ramble on and on about my D&D campaign and my unfinished writings. Speaking of, because I’m literally surrounded by talent, they are yet another insanely wonderful artist AND writer, with an incredible world and the most lovable OCs ever. Gabe and Ana and their entire family will always live rent free in my brain 🫶

And a special shout-out to the one irl friend who has stuck by me through everything 🫶 Elaina is so kind, so funny, so fucking smart, the best taste in music, one of my favorite people to talk for hours with. I wish we hung out more :,) (Side note, Em I’m realizing the two of you are like two sides of the same coin and would get along so we’ll probably)

If I forgot anyone, know that you are loved in equal measure, I am simply sleepy and functioning on post finals brain fry 🫶

[jungwnies]

hi maeby! its been a while, im sorry this took too long and I don’t know exactly when you’ll see this but know that i’m writing this on december 16 for reference hehe (this will essentially be a 2023 recap but ill try to be as short as possible)

last time i was here i think it was the end of june or beginnings of july and a lot has happened in my life, on august i turned 21 and i also went to the eras tour!! definitely one of the best days ever in my life and maybe top 3 on best days of 2023  🤍

talking about my birthday its little sensitive topic, for the past five years or so my birthdays has kind of been something that I’ve dreaded so much and i'm just the opposite of happy, its like those posts you see everywhere of people crying in their room during their birthdays and this year wasn’t  the exception, this years birthday..lets just say it will be memorable but leaving that aside august was kind of okay

the concert experience may be on of my favorite memories just because it feel so cathartic, it was just so beautiful talking to strangers and us bonding over music and art, listening and singing to my favorite songs, getting to go to a concert for the first time on my own, traveling with my sister (just the two of us) for the first time, all the beautiful pictures and videos and people that i keep with me because of that one experience it just something that I will eternally be grateful for (also, so. many. friendship. bracelets.)

i remember looking back at my life and my lowest points in it and thinking (and hopefully it won’t get too sad) “well maybe someone out there was right, i just needed to hang on a little tighter, cause imagine missing out on this” 

september was filled with delicious food and me going out a little more often

in october was my sisters birthday, so she held a halloween costume party and i got to dress up as an elf/fairy, i also went to one of my best friends birthday party and felt amazing seeing a couple of familiar faces after months, and some of them even years, waiting. also yes, this means i ate a lot of cake on october (my moms birthday was also on this month hah). i also took a ceramic class. i loved it (I made a small bowl :))

november i went out a lot, bought new clothes, bought christmas decorations, studied korean, went to the doctor cause i thought i was going to die (turns out im not, even far from it : im as healthy as a horse) 

and as of december, planning christmas dinner with my mom and sister, got a bad haircut that made me cry so hard and then got it fixed at another salon, had dates with friends, retook ceramic classes (i made two cups, three heart shaped plates and a little jewelry organizer), scheduled one more therapy session before the year ends after months of not going, took more buses this month than in my whole life and i guess im slowly figuring out my stuff a little more. 

i discovered new artists this year, feel in love again  with old ones that I had forgotten about, learned new cooking recipes, got a little more out of the house than last year, made amends with my body and established boundaries even though it hurt :)

turning 21 this year essentially meant a lot, i don’t want to go into more detailed as to not make this any longer but lets just say im planning on getting 21 tattooed on my next year haha

i hope the rest of the year was kind to you, if you feel comfortable to answer with maybe your favorite parts of 2023 would be great! if not just know that i love you and missed dropping by here, hopefully starting 2024 i'll be back here regularly <3<3

take care, stretch, rest all you need, take your time, and remember that im always right here rooting for you and hugging you 🩶🩶🩶

happy holidays :) love youuuuu

-🧸anon

hiii 🧸anon <3

it has been literally so long, i was taking a break from tumblr, honestly i didn't even think i'd come back but seeing this upon logging in literally brought joy to my heart knowing you're still around! :)

i've read everything, from your birthday to your christmas dinner with your mom and sister. starting with your birthday i'm glad that 2023 you had a memorable birthday after dreading it for so many years, and i hope 2024 also brings you joy! onto the concert next, i know exactly how you feel, it's something that you don't feel often and the crowds are just so amazing because it's people who share the same love for the same artist, and it's like you are in your own little world for a few hours. next, september & october, i'm glad it was filled with food and another birthday, it seems so fun to have a halloween themed birthday honestly!! november, i'm glad it was a good month besides the scary doctors visit >.< december seemed to have been a busy month for you, and hopefully your hair is okay now :( hopefully the therapy sesh went well. I'm glad your year was overall not too shabby, and I'm glad that you had a lot of character development. Hopefully 2024 brings you absolutely nothing but joy! 🖤

now onto my year, i guess i'll go with the highlights. i essentially had a relatively good year, i was able to do a lot of things, and uni was not too stressful, but it's a little harder this semester. starting with my august, i didn't do much except get ready for the semester, signed up for my september classes etc etc, it was relatively boring. my september was a little more eventful, i took a marine biology class which was so fun, and i'm not even majoring in marine bio, we got to talk about sea legends and a lot of the lore behind mermaids and other stuff. in october i did the same thing, but i made one of my best friends ever, except uhhh we're not really friends anymore as of recently, but my heart goes to them, they meant alot. in november i built a new computer, a little nerdy but i actually really enjoyed it except i had a mental breakdown trying to do cable management LMFAO 😭😭in december i had a good month, except the basement flooded so that wasn't very slay but regardless it was a good month filled with nothing but holiday spirit and gifts.

now with a short little update on my 2024, because it's been awhile. in january i went back to school for the second semester, and it's been tough i'm not going to lie. i also got a boyfriend so like !?!??! kinda crazy, he's not too bad but like every relationship we definitely have our downs. in february, it was a short month but nonetheless eventful this is the downfall of me and bestie tbh, but it's okay he was like a life lesson or something!?!?! now this month, it just started and it's been great, it's midterm week right now so i'm a bit stressed, but i also suddenly got motivation to go back on youtube and write on tumblr again, so i'm super happy about that :)

i hope 2024 is kind to you and gives you a lot of joy! remember to take care of yourself, just as you always say to me, stretch, rest all you need, take your time, and remember that im always right here rooting for you and hugging you as well! ❤️❤️❤️

have a great year, and i hope to see you again 🧸❤️

[sisterofficerlucychen]

in this essay i will explore why halo by beyonce fits chenford perfectly because i’ve lost my damn mind, yet again. i mean what else is new, really? anyhow, buckle in and enjoy the ride! ♡

Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they're tumbling down And they didn't even put up a fight They didn't even make a sound

who had walls when we first met him? who was utterly broken and just trying to survive? tim. while lucy didn’t necessarily come into tim’s life trying to break his walls down, she definitely succeeded in doing so. she helped bring back the light inside of him and reassured him that he was safe through her action and words. every single moment they’ve had since the beginning has progressed in tumbling down the walls tim built because of all the trauma he’s endured. while it was something that he probably didn’t realize at first, once he did, there was no going back. because he’s the thing, who has tim always listened to? lucy — stopping him in front of isabel’s apartment, making him reflect back onto the experience with the gardeners, fixing things with genny, even encouraging him to listen to ashley. she’s always been his voice of reason and the one person he’ll listen to even if he’s moping or arguing about it. 

but here’s the thing, this also fits lucy. as self-aware and as much of an open book as she is, lucy has walls. they’ve just been so much more well hidden than tim’s. she’s always had commitment issues. jackson points it out once when he tells her he knew about her and nolan; tim points it out twice, once after she’s dealing with the break up with emmett then again when chris ambushes her about moving in. relationships aren’t her strong suit and my take on it at least is that it stems from her relationship with her parents. for two psychologists and a psych major, the chens are their own little bubble of complicated but it’s so easy to see how this has affected lucy and caused her to put up her own walls. tim being the exception to this rule. he may have decided she was worth his time to train but she definitely decided that he was worth her time to understand. which i think kind of comes into play with tim being the only person to break down those walls. 

“if we do this and it doesn’t work, i’ll have ruined the most important relationship of my life.” it wasn’t until this moment that both walls completely fell. they both jumped into relationships with other people and stayed in them because it was safe, because the stakes were to high for either of them to even think that being with each other was a possibility until lucy said that. it placed them both on the same page. 

It's like I've been awakened Every rule I had you breakin' It's the risk that I'm takin' I ain't never gonna shut you out

which brings us to this part. tim’s reaction when lucy confessed this. TIM’S REACTION WHEN LUCY CONFESSED THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s like he saw his life flash before his eyes in the sense that a. it confirmed she had feelings for him too and it wasn’t one sided and b. that for once in his life, he was someone’s top priority because even though nothing romantically had happened until this point, lucy saying this was so crucial because everybody else had put him second: isabel (to drugs), rachel (to a dream job), and ashley (to not wanting to be afraid of the what if’s). anyway, i guess what i’m trying to say is tim’s reaction was that first lyric. though him leaving lucy’s apartment in 4x22 also gives the same vibes. BUT THE IMPORTANT THING HERE IS HOW THIS VERSE IS ESSENTIALLY 5X08. because here’s the thing, this is: “some things matter more”. tim does not break the rules. ever. except this was perhaps the biggest risk he’s ever taken and the man didn’t even blink. the “unless it is” when he tells her that thEY ARE WORTH THE RISK. THEY ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. for someone who pushed everyone away at his lowest point, who tried time and time again to push lucy away, this was the moment where he welcomed her with open arms and embraced their future together knowing it was the beginning of something that mattered more. 

Everywhere I'm lookin' now I'm surrounded by your embrace Baby, I can see your halo You know you're my saving grace

they’ve saved each other, time and time again. there are so many moments in the literal and figurative where they have saved the other: lucy pulling tim out of the line of fire when he was shot on her second day; tim giving her the ‘bradford special’ which probably saved her life when she was shot and it caught the bullet; the entirety of day of death; lucy believing in tim enough that she recorded an entire audiobook for him; lucy helping him with the ordeal with his father; tim giving her ring back and the survivor speech when she was still struggling. they’ve always had each other’s back, no matter where they fall from they know the other person will catch them. 

not only this but they are 100% the other’s safe space. one thing that always has me on the floor sobbing is any time lucy feels like she’s stuck, it’s tim she literally turns to. i keep thinking back specifically when they were in their ‘pining/angst era’ and despite things being awkward between them, lucy turned to tim immediately when she felt cornered. remember when bailey was in the tank asking for nolan? lucy got stuck, she didn’t know what to say or how to lie and she desperately turned to tim to save her. same thing when grey asked if there was a reason they couldn’t ride together. she awkwardly tried to come up with an answer and ended up turning to tim for him to answer the question. 

Hit me like a ray of sun Burning through my darkest night You're the only one that I want Think I'm addicted to your light

lucy is absolute sunshine. she is a literal ray of light that sees the best in people, she’s compassionate and empathetic, she doesn’t give up on others too easily. this is important because of when she came into tim’s life. she saw the worst version of him and decided that he was someone who was worth the effort in trying to get to know and understand. the more she learned about him, the more compassion she showed him. 

every obstacle tim has ever faced since they’ve met, she’s been by his side. obviously, the range of her involvement depends on the season and where the progression of their relationship is but nonetheless, she’s been there for him. the beautiful thing here is that it works both ways. 

he’s also always been there for her. from when he stayed with her in the hospital after she was rescued to when they learned rosalind escaped and his immediate reaction was to comfort her as he squeezed her hand before taking them somewhere private to check on how she was doing. tim may be a ‘grump’ but it doesn’t mean his light doesn’t burn just as bright because he is also sunshine in his own way. which is something lucy knows. the way she’s been sticking up for him since season 1. she’s said it too, comparing kojo to tim, when abigail commented that he was all bark with no bite, coaching little league. tim is just as much sunshine as lucy is in parallel ways. 

they are who the other needs in the toughest, darkest times because they know how to support each other. they are each other’s light and each others rock. 

I swore I'd never fall again But this don't even feel like fallin' Gravity can't begin To pull me back to the ground again

who tim dated after isabel is interesting because of how it can be linked to lucy. his relationship with rachel was a direct correlation to lucy getting involved. they made a bet with each other and she won short sleeves, he momentarily won the girl. his relationship with ashley is a little more complex to tie to lucy but i’d argue you still can because the green dress callback basically confirmed that there was clearly something there when they saw each other at wopez’s wedding at the end of s3. by the time tim met ashley, tim and lucy had already fallen for each other and both were denying or hiding their feelings. did he date ashley because he couldn’t be with lucy? i don’t know. he seemed to genuinely like her at first but i do think he stayed with her because of lucy. that double date should have been the biggest red flag for all of them, especially chris and ashley of not getting invovled with them. yet nonetheless, they both continued to explore their respective relationships. 

except neither relationship was clearly meant to last. they both stayed in them because it was safe and it was perhaps easier to be with someone they did care about but not were in love with than to be alone and without the person they actually wanted to be with. 

but going back to that first line of the verse. i don’t think tim considered falling in love again with someone who truly loved him back until lucy. rachel was fleeting, the job in new york was more important than her relationship with tim; ashley didn’t want the same things he did and would tim have settled? maybe, who knows. but lucy. she’s worth the effort, she’s worth the fight, she’s someone who wants what he does. this is the part that at least gets me because i do think tim had resigned to not having the life he wanted and here’s this absolute ray of sunshine who has basically confirmed to him that she wants that same life too and that he is worth the effort, that he matters more. 

additionally, i think this also ties back to the slow burn. the way they fell for one another happened in a way where you can’t really point out where they fell but rather when they knew. every little moment, every scene captured something new with them. it was unexpected and while it was scary, once they realized where they stood, they were both in it without a doubt. i know we’ve yet to see them test the “you deserve to be with someone who’s worth the effort” but even in what we’ve seen like when they were struggling about how working in the same chain of command affected them, breaking up was never an option. they were going to work through it one way or another

in conclusion because oh my god i wrote a novel??? but also if you’re still reading this i love you so, so, so much?? i feel like i should buy you coffee or something for reading my late night ramblings. ANYWAY, i think this song just perfectly embodies how they decided to take the risk and is essentially the cumulation of their slow burn. it feels very much like the “some things matter more” because despite the obstacles that they’ve faced, they’ve made it to each other. they are the other’s light, they are the other’s person, they are the other’s love of their life. 

fin.

[healthyfitprincess]

It feels like I lived an entire lifetime in the span of these two photos.

The picture on the left is from one of my first externship skills. Sure, I was unhappy with my weight, but otherwise my life seemed to be going pretty well. Until later that week when my girlfriend of 10 years told me she was in love with someone else, and that we were over.

The picture on the right is a little less than 2 months later. I was at probably the lowest point I’ve ever been at in my life. I had lost almost 50 lbs because I couldn’t make myself eat. The only calories I was consuming were from alcohol. I wasn’t sleeping. I felt like I was just an empty shell of a person.

But somehow I managed to keep dragging myself to work every morning and busting my ass to finish this externship.

I did finally finish the externship and I’ve just signed up to take my boards in March. But now i’m sitting here thinking about how proud of myself I am for not giving up when I so easily could have. I’ve learned so much about myself through out this journey and I’ve realized how strong I really am.

I can’t wait to see what new opportunities this chapter brings me.