Tumgik
#I hate being so tired all the time it SUCKS it makes me feel so awful
jarofstyles · 1 day
Note
Blurb idea: dark Harry undressing y/n for the first time and she’s really shy and he’s like so in awe of her and like he thinks her underwear is so cute with bows😭 extra-daddy kink
Omg wait this is good…. I may continue it as a one shot if people like it
Check out our Patreon
Warning- knife play, daddy kink, dark h and he’s slightly crazy but oh well
——
“Look at that…” he crooned, tapping the blunt side of the knife over the smooth cotton. “Aren’t these just precious, little dove?”
He could see her chest rising and falling in what he assumed was both anticipation and slight fear. She’d gasped so pretty when he pulled the knife out to cut off the pathetic excuse of a skirt she she’d worn out tonight, but the blade was increasingly close to her skin. He wouldn’t cut her, no, but he could tell from their previous encounters that his little bird liked to be scared. Just a little bit.
“I didn’t… I didn’t know you’d see them.” She stuttered, laid out in his bed. In fact, she’d thought he was ignoring her this whole week. “You didn’t text me back and I wasn’t… I thought you got tired of talking to me.”
“Oh, darling…” he clicked his tongue, face softening slightly. “Never. I was just busy with my… errands.” He smirked at the connotation. Y/N had met him because she’d seen something she wasn’t supposed to, and instead of threatening her and making her run off with fear stricken into her heart? He’d decided to comfort her, take her for some hot cocoa and dropped her off at home. It had been entirely her want to kiss, which he’d done so greedily before leaving her.
Since then he hadn’t been able to leave her alone.
“Oh.” She whispered, eyes going back down to the cool metal against her skin. “I thought maybe I wasn’t so good last time.”
Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes as he thumbed over the gusset of her panties. The wet patch was growing, making him feel all the more smug as her breathing hitched. “You think having my load all over that pretty face was me being displeased?” He shook his head at how ridiculous his bird was. “No. I took some pretty pictures and made myself cum a few times when I was away. But the last three days I held off so I’d have some for you. I think you liked it a lot last time, didn’t you?” He mumbled, watching her eyes widen. His girl was shy, but it was good he knew exactly how to read her.
“You did. Tell Daddy y’liked it.” He encouraged her with a kiss to her tummy, eyes meeting hers. “Go one. We both know you know how to use that pretty mouth.”
“I-I liked it, Daddy.” She breathed, hips bucking slightly into his thumb. “I liked it so much.”
A smile split his face as he watched her eyes round out. “That’s my girl. You do so well, y’know that? Even after I’ve corrupted you a bit and made you do all sorts of nasty things for me, you’re the sweetest little thing I’ve ever met. That’s why I keep you.” Another kiss was placed to her sternum as he took the knife from her panties and split her shirt, ignoring the squeak of protest as the tattered fabric was opened to expose a match bra. A light pink with a matching bow in the middle of her tits, just like the taunting one on the waistband of her panties.
“Christ, you’re perfect.” He rubbed his face against her breasts, moving up with sloppy kisses all over her chest. “I love these things. So sweet. Almost could fool me into thinking you’ve got no idea on what to do with a cock, but I’ve taught you so well.” The knife was tossed to the side as his fingers tugged the cup of the bra down, lazily sucking one of her nipples into his mouth for a few seconds. Her hands gripped at his hair in surprise, the choked whimper making his cock twitch. “Was gonna cut these off, cause y’know Daddy hates shit getting in the way of my view but… god, I think M’gonna leave them on. Stain them with my cum. What do you think about that, baby? Gonna let me?”
365 notes · View notes
miley1442111 · 12 hours
Note
hi ! can I request Derek Morgan x Pregnant! Reader?
Where reader is a couple days past her due date and is literally miserable and Derek’s lowkey frustrated because he’s tried every thing he can to help and he hates seeing his girl upset,
so they start looking up ways to help induce labor, and they try a few and none of them work, so reader gives up and starts to cry and Derek is there to reassure her that everything is gonna be okay,
& that he read somewhere that s*x induces labor and it’s turns into light fluffy smut?
---------------------
Tumblr media
---------------------
a/n: i love this idea, probably didn't do it justice, also my most sincere apologies for letting this rot in my inbox for so long :)
summary: derek has to do something when you're 3 days past your due date
pairings: derek morgan x fem! wife! pregnant! reader
warnings: pregnancy issues, smut (lowkey praise kink but wtv), going into labour
---------------------
It would be an understatement to say that being pregnant sucked. 
You were tired, you were achy, you couldn’t do anything, you couldn’t sleep, and you were literally 3 days past your due date, with no end in sight. 
Fuck this stupid baby, and fuck your stupid husband for getting you pregnant in the first place. 
---------------------
 You sat in your bed, miserable and in pain as Derek held you in his arms. He was annoyed. He could see how much pain you were in, and knew how much pain you’d be in soon when you had to give birth. He just… he wanted it to stop. So he looked up methods of inducing labour. 
“Apparently spicy food helps with inducing labour,” he muttered as he mindlessly rubbed his hand over your stomach. 
“I’ll try anything at this point,” you said in a small voice and Derek’s heart shattered. 
“I’ll order something,” he nodded and you offered a meek ‘thank you’. He ordered the spiciest things on your local Mexican place’s menu, and waited eagerly for its arrival. When it did come, he plated it and watched as you ate it.
Nothing. Not even a contraction. 
“Fuck’s sake,” you groaned, washing your hands after eating. “Now I just feel fucking sick.”
“I’m sorry baby,” he sighed, pulling you in to give you a soft but reassuring kiss. “The next thing on the list is physical exercise.”
That was not met with much enthusiasm, but you obliged anyway. You got on the treadmill that lives in your home-gym, and ran for 30 minutes. 
Still nothing. 
Derek watched as your frustrated face turned into the one you make before you cry, and his heart shattered a second time. “Come here baby,” he sighed and pulled you into his arms, pressing kisses to your forehead as you cried. He whispered words of reassurance and love,but you couldn’t stop crying. You were in so much pain, you were so tired, and you just wanted this baby out. You wanted to see your little girl and hold her. 
“What’s next on the list?” You asked between sobs. 
“Sex.”
You looked up at him, drying your eyes. “Sex?”
“Sex,” he nodded. “But if you’re not up to it we can-”
“Derek Morgan, this baby is coming out of me today or so help me god, I will hurt someone,” you swore. Derek nodded quickly and took your hand, leading you to your bedroom. 
“What’s safe for the baby?” You asked him timidly as he undressed you. 
“Spooning, if that’s comfortable,” he offered. He’d done so much research about how to help you, it almost made you sob all over again. Stupid pregnancy hormones. 
“That sounds nice,” you swallowed back the lump in your throat as Derek smiled at you, then pressed soft kisses to your bare collarbone.
“So pretty for me,” he cooed. “My beautiful girl.”
You both laid down on the bed as he kissed you, whispering words of encouragement. God he was so attractive like this, taking care of you, loving you. You were getting ridiculously wet.
“I’m going to be real gentle, okay?”
“Okay,” you nodded as his hands started kneading the plump of your ass. 
“You feeling alright?”
“Good, just please- do something,” you begged and he chuckled. 
“Already beggin’ for me? God you’re perfect,” he kissed your cheek as he slowly slipped inside you. You let out a series of moans as his long cock filled you up, while his hands groped your body. “That’s it, good girl. Take all of me.”
He slowly started moving as you squirmed and moaned under his thrusts. 
“Come on, you’re so good for me baby. Doin’ so good babygirl,” he groaned. “So pretty around my cock.”
You felt yourself clench at his words. Then it happened. Your water broke. 
“Oh my god!” You shouted, immediately getting off of the bed and running to get your clothes on. Derek smiled as he watched you. 
“It worked?”
“It worked!” You chuckled, then the contractions came in, ruining the moment. You hunched over and leaned on the bed and Derek started getting dressed. 
“Come on mama, we gotta get you to the hospital,” he smiled as he helped you out. 
---------------------
Twelve hours later, you two welcomed your first little girl, Emily Morgan. 
Derek already wanted another one.
---------------------
criminal minds masterlist :)
navigation for my blog :) (criminal minds, marvel, top gun, challengers, the bear, the hunger games, obx+)
cm taglist
@khxna
44 notes · View notes
iamumbra195 · 30 days
Text
Don't you love it when you get back into your childhood hyper-fixation that you remember very fondly as an adult and realize how fucking depressing the actual story is now that you have the capacity to understand it beyond cool fighting and characters, humor, and awesome friendships?
Tumblr media
#bleach#ichigo kurosaki#bleach 686#every analysis I see makes me more and more upset#why does literally everyone in this story suck#how did Kubo make such dynamic characters only to slowly crush their souls more and more until we get the most unsatisfying ending EVER#I keep trying to get back into the manga/anime but I feel like a pit forms in my stomach every time I try to#I love the characters dearly but oh my god#the relationships and the way most of the characters interact just grates at my nerves#like every few months I'll read like twenty chapter of the manga#get back into the fandom#read some analysis#and then I'll start dislking it all over again#I need a happy ending#i need a better ending#please Kubo#I need the hell arc to completely dismantle the soul society and the whole world as they know it#I NEED CHANGE#I hate the regressing and stagnation of the soul society#I need them to be overthrown#I need the characters I love to become antagonists all over again#I need Ichigo to be enemies with the soul society again#i need rebellion#I need the soul society to be the greatest evil again because in the end#they are the source of nearly ALL the problems Ichigo and co. face in canon#I'm so tired of them being the lesser evil#I need them to fall apart#I need the characters to have genuinely good endings where they are happy rather than regressing back into the people they were at the star#of the story or even worse turning into the ppl they had sworn they would never become
26 notes · View notes
opens-up-4-nobody · 2 months
Text
...
11 notes · View notes
astriiformes · 11 months
Text
Someone put a curse on my family this year for real I am holding my head in my hands I have no idea how to fix any of this anymore
27 notes · View notes
lesbiansanemi · 1 month
Text
Bad day. Horrible awful terrible bad day
#there’s not even a reason. nothing bad has actually happened#it just FUCKING SUCKS#I want to walk into a lake and never come back#I want to take my brain out of my skull and throw it at a wall and watch it splatter#I know today sucks because I’m so tense and upset that my back HURTS so fucking bad#cuz when this happens I tense up and my back muscles decide to coil around my spine and squeeze like a starving snake#it’s spreading through my shoulders and even to my chest which is a first#I just 😭😭😭 I want to go home except home also sucks cuz roommate#and I know he’ll be out in a few days but that feels like forever#and I’m so tired and I’m so upset and I want to curl up in a ball and cry and hide from the world#but I’m working a 7 day stretch at my job#and I have to transfer the power and internet to my name sometime before Wednesday#and I’m so sick of takeout the idea of eating it makes me want to vomit but I can’t physically bring myself to cook while they’re there#and I just. ugh. UGH#I’m so sick of existing#why does my life only allow me small handfuls of months at a time#where I’m not living in some form of disaster and stressed to all hell and back and just wanting to lay down and die#what did I do so wrong. what have I done to deserve all this shit#in my short terrible miserable fucking life#whatever I’ll just go home and stare at the wall#and then go to bed and come to work and come to work and come to work there’s always going to work#I’m going to fucking scream I hate my brain#why can’t it just regulate itself in a normal way cuz that’s the thing I know I’m being insane and nothing is actually this bad#but man if it doesn’t fucking feel that way#and being aware I’m being batshit really doesn’t make it better actually I think it makes it worse#kaz rambles
3 notes · View notes
larry-hiatus · 2 months
Text
.
4 notes · View notes
binders-and-beanies · 30 days
Text
.
#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
3 notes · View notes
edelorion · 1 month
Text
#edel vents#disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh...#so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!!#today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today#and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go#i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with#aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there#and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to#discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual.#had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore)#so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood.#went home tired. can't really do anything right now.#at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks.#...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone#worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..?#i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed#as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them.#when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness.#to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth#and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her.#she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred#i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many#i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating.#i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin.#i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out.#i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it.#and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved.#i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something.#maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now.#sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.
5 notes · View notes
kavehayati · 2 months
Text
I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
2 notes · View notes
super-psycho-lov3 · 3 months
Text
it doesnt even matter it doesnt even matter it doesnt ever matter it doesnt even
#im just really tired i guess#i have too many bruises and i cant keep eating a meal a day#its just really tiring getting lied to#people think they care but they really.. just dont?#say you care but im making dinner because you have work and oliver needs it more. as if i havent been making dinner all week.#as if i didnt spend the past two days walking 2-5 miles every day.#'youve been so snappy' as if i didnt clean the whole living room. as if it isnt my fucking bed time. as if you care about my problems.#'olivers here if you need anything' yeah. sure. as if he wont groan and huff at best.#'im sorry i have to go to work' as if youd do anything different#'im not as bad as people make me out to be' 'youre being brainwashed' as if i didnt have to spend all day at my friends house#the day i was persrcibed testosterone because i knew what youd do if i stayed at home#as if you didnt threaten to take it away when i didnt listen to you#just... im jusy so tired. once my mom asked me 'whose birthday did i forget this year?' referring to my siblings.#she was buying gifts. we never celebrated my birthday. didnt have the heart to tell her it was ME. im justs o tired. im so tired#it really sucks to know that — that our sect of the sys is back out because#because we feel. so. Lost. worthless and lost a and alone#doesn't feel like our family is anything at all. and im here because#because of that. i hate that. i hate knowing why i hate it#i hate knowing who and what caused this im so tired i want my brothers i want my sister i want to get out of here for a while i just need to#get out#its so stupid im the oldest sibling but i want my siblings so bad they would never let me down#fucking NEVER! never. not in a way that could ever really matter. just. god#vent post#free to respond#???#i dont fuckin care if you reblog or reply or whatever. im just so tired i just need to yell you guys can say whatever#i got yelled at for reminding them to schedule my fucking root canal anf i just cant take it . so#im. im so hungry okay? im just so hungry#im hungry and tired and sore and so fucking alone and i cant fucking take it#cant eat right now n even if i could i wouldnt have the food so
2 notes · View notes
yelloworangesoda · 4 months
Text
gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this
#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me#‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds#im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing#life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something#i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore#i finished. and i hate it#i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here#i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant#it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them#i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just#didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore#ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better#idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu#but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years#and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!!#i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad#i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped#like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this#drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me#not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess#yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well.#i dont like to say the words#simons spouting#vent :(
2 notes · View notes
Text
i have classes again! (i do not know if this is good or not yet) so i will not be able to draw as often. that or i will be drawing extra as a way to procrastinate working on assignments
#ughhhhh i hate transitioning from no classes to classes again this shit sucks#i love being in class but it takes a while before my brain can get used to being in school mode#i wish they just never gave me breaks i would like that a whole lot better#i'm also having a crisis thinking about changing my major#but idk if that's because i actually want to or if i'm just v uncomfortable rn at the thought of having to learn how to be in school again#at the very least i get to go to class looking great today#yesterday i got my hair dyed so now it's neon red orange and yellow#someone told me i look like someone was making their first OC and they had fire powers#another told me i looked like sunset shimmer from mlp#at the very least i look rad as hell and it will make up for whatever horrible thing i end up doing wrong today#i really should've tried to take a class with a prof i'm familiar with but nooooo i waited too long to choose classes#and now i'm stuck with people i don't know who are going to say words to me when all i want is to not say a single word all day long#also i had to wake up at 5:30 today and will probably have to again bc i don't drive so i carpool and they have to work early as fuck#and now i'm on campus and also locked out of the buildings because i can't get the ID scanner to work and the buildings don't unlock yet#at least the feral cats keep me company in these trying times#and waking up early means that i'm just tired enough to not give a fuck anymore so at least i'm not sobbing on the floor (yet)#i'll probably try to save that for after classes end#though i'm feeling strangely okay today which i think might just be the grace period between transitions where i get to act like a human#before i freak out later#or maybe i just missed being in class enough to beat the bad vibes out of me? (probably not but i can hope)#i'm just saying words at this point but that's okay#i'm sure i'm interesting enough for everyone to love hearing about my morning#in which case i want everyone to know that i got the stupidest jacket from the thrift store a while back#and i am rocking it rn#every day i get up and get dressed i look in the mirror and see someone who would fit in better as an art student#but art doesn't make you money and i've lived in poverty too long to go with that#but if i'm stuffed somewhere where i have to have natural hair color and boring clothes at an office job i will probably go batshit tbh#the goal is to be so valuable in whatever field i choose that i get to do whatever i please#like L#anyway i have said so many words
5 notes · View notes
opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
Text
...
#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
7 notes · View notes
pepprs · 1 year
Text
crying again lol ok
#purrs#and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking#damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I#miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out#FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks#being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i#even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just#text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or#at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju#just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an#and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be#been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode#and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b#be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a#breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing#on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here#delete later#like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway#and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy.#retreat tag
19 notes · View notes
whimsyprinx · 1 year
Text
currently failing to cope with the fact that none of my friends feel like My Friend
#whimsy whispers#mainly due to the fact that the longest friendship I’ve had is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do about it and it’s made me even#more aware of the fact that I’m no one’s friend#and then my response is to be overbearing and shove my insecurities down people’s throats and in the process make them less likely to want#to remain friends with me#I’m very good at making me tired of me and pushing people away it’s a gift of mine#it just sucks so much and it feels so lonely and bad all the time#I just want to be someone who’s happy and loved and feels wanted but I just don’t think that’s going to ever happen especially given that#my best friend doesn’t seem like they want me in their life anymore and I just don’t know what to do idk if there’s anything I can do#I wonder if that’s my fault as well like all my other failing friendships have been my fault so this one must be too right?#I’m just so tired and I told myself that lowering ky expectations when it comes to happiness mt my future and relationships would be better#than being hopeful and getting hurt but it still hurts#it’s jsut that if I don’t have expectations I can be upset alone without making it anyone else’s problem whereas if I have hope and then get#hurt I always make it other peoples problems which only makes things worse#I don’t feel like I’m ever going to actually be happy and as long as I’m like this no one is going to want me or love me and I don’t blame#them I’m irritating and annoying when I’m like this but I’m always like this and like who would want someone like that in their lives#I’m so deeply insecure and fuckijg awful and I just hate myself so much#happy March I was suppose to be working on doing better while taking a break from things but despite that I’m doing worse#how do I expect people to want me when I’m like this? I’m so stupid#it’s just gonna be like this until I finally die#also note that people not feeling like my friend isn’t their fault#it’s not other peoples fault that I’m like this and I don’t want people to feel like they’re at fault for something they didn’t do
4 notes · View notes