#I hate it I hate myself I hate living like this I hate feeling like this

[caramelkoo]

kiss me? jjk.

the one with gentle hands and endless kisses

genre : husband!jungkook, "i can do it myself"!reader, "i know, but let me do it for you"!jungkook

warnings : fluff, more fluff, brief smut, words of affirmation as love language, jungkook takes care of her, oc is so relatable i cried, jungkook being the best husband ever. let me know if i missed something.

a/n : hello besties, here's a little fluffy ☁️ gift for you since im obsessed with husband koo. tysm for loving my previous writings im beyond grateful. the fact that people out there are reading what i write is making me jump from happiness. enjoy and you're loved.

"There she is, my favorite girl" Jungkook's plasters a sloppy kiss on your cheek. His sweaty body connecting with your freshly showered one but you don't mind. Not when the first thing he says is that you're his favorite girl after his early morning gym session. The phrase never fails to make you turn red.

Last night Jungkook had briefly mentioned his wish to have chocolate covered strawberries because apparently, the ones you make are his absolute favorite. So here you were, making chocolate covered strawberries for him.

"I missed you" he lifts himself up on the hard counter and leans back on his palms. He attempts to dip his index finger into the melted chocolate but you swat his hand away.

"You were literally gone for two hours and get down the counter, Jungkook!!!! You're all sweaty" you warn him.

"But you like me sweaty" he gives you the same look he hits you with when you don't let him eat the last piece of pizza. Pouty and adorable.

"No doubt about it but I'll have to clean it again, honey." when the look doesn't leave his face you speak again.

"Okay if you get down now, I'll let you fuck me in the shower" you've barely even finished the remark before he hops off the counter and runs towards the bathroom.

"I HAVE THE BEST WIFE EVER" his voice trails off.

Knowing the fact that he'll not let you live it down if you don't live up to your words, you wipe your hands and join him in the shower. You let him eat you out under the cold water and then pound into you as you struggle to keep your knees from giving out.

The loud sneeze echoes through the room as you wipe your nose which now feels like the 50th time. Tiring.

When you came out of the shower you were perfectly fine. When your nose started stinging, you didn't think much of it then too. Before you knew it, you were sneezing three times in a row with a fever which only keeps getting worse.

Jungkook had immediately wrapped you up in a fluffy blanket and asked you to take a nap as he cooks some porridge for you. At the risk of sounding selfish, whenever you're sick you're tend to crave his closeness more and more. You hate it though, you know it puts him at the risk of sickness but you can't help it. He looks cozy and so so comfy, you just want to snuggle with him and doze off.

After all, he's your safe place, your own personal haven with a gorgeous smile and warm embrace and he's well aware of the fact that you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself when you're sick, perfectly capable of running yourself a bath when you want to, skilled enough to wear that piece of jewellery around your neck.

However, he'd still run a bath for you with rose petals and scented candles, still ask you to lift your hair up when he clicks the pendant close before placing a kiss at the nape of your neck, still cook for you when you're sick and kiss you goodnight before he takes you in his arms and falls into deep slumber, still whisper into the darkness that he wishes he could take away all your pain upon himself thinking you're fast asleep.

Just like now as he places the tray, the bowl of porridge on top of it alongside your medicines, a glass of water and gummy bears because he knows that you're not fond of the bitter aftertaste of the medicines.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he touches your clammy forehead before tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. "Feeling any better, love?"

When you shake your head, his eyebrows crinkle in worry.

"I feel like throwing up but when I try nothing comes out" your lips open with a sigh.

His face gets remarkably worried. Not like he's wearing any other expression ever since you've started sniffing and stifling. You feel like shit. Earlier in the morning he's informed you about Namjoon's house warming party and was so excited to visit his best friend. Now he has to stay here and take care of your sick self when he should be with him, having the time of his life.

"I'm sorry you couldn't go to the party" your voice is brittle and you stop yourself from breaking down right there.

"Honey no, you're more important to me than any fucking party. Are you crazy? Besides, he would have poked my eyeballs out had I gone there and told him I left you here, sick and all by yourself."

The kiss that he places on your forehead is soft and tender causing you to close your eyes and bask in the love behind it.

"C'mon, get up and eat something. You'll feel so much better with your tummy full."

When you find it hard to get up all by yourself, you know it's more than just a cold now. You feel a headache coming.

Jungkook helps you sit up against the headboard as he picks up the bowl, taking a spoonful of porridge and holding it out for you to eat.

Your lips quiver and a sob threatens to break out, you hang your head low so he can't see the tears forming behind your droopy eyes but fail when your chest shakes with a sob.

Jungkook panics, quickly placing the bowl on the tray beside him, "Hey, what's going on? What's happening?"

You face him and open your arms, "Can you hold me for a while?" You're crying now. Tears stream down your face as your nose stings even more.

He wastes no time to take you in his arms, hands rubbing your back and then holding the back of your head as if he's cradling a baby. Holding you oh so gently like you might break and maybe you will. Maybe you will break because of how overwhelmed you are and how lousy you feel.

"It's alright, honey. Cry all you want, I'll hold you."

So you do, letting your head fall on his shoulder you cry out all the emotions you're feeling hoping you'd feel lighter by the time you're done. You're thankful for his silence. He understands, he always does and you understand him in return.

Your husband's hands don't stop moving for once. Constantly rubbing your back, running through your hair, gently massaging the back of your neck to release any tension. It's so funny how a tattooed hand like that which might look intimidating to strangers can be so soft and tender for you. For everyone in general, Jungkook is indeed the most gentle person you've ever known.

After what feels like eternity, you lift your head and break the hug. You lean back against the headboard as he speaks.

"Do you wanna tell me what caused that?" he asks in a careful voice.

You're still not in the space to talk so you shake your head and say, "Maybe later?"

"Whenever you feel like it, I'm here. But I wanna say something and I want you to listen carefully alright?" he waits for your nod before continuing,

"When we were about to get married, I had a chat with your father. He told me that you have a tendency to feel like a liability on people and you beat yourself up over somebody taking care of you, doing things for you, showing up for you because you'd rather do them by yourself. And then I promised him something. I promised him that I'll do anything, and I mean anything to not make you feel like that. I will manage to eat three bites less but I will never let you sleep with an empty stomach."

He kisses the back of your hands as you sniffle, scared that the tears might come back.

"So when I do things like this for you, skip my best friend's house warming party for you or doing anything for you for that matter, It's not because you're a burden. It's because you're mine and you'd do the same for me. I want to take care of you, honey. I like to. I love you the most _____, you're my everything and I can't fucking breathe when you're suffering like this."

Well fuck, the tears are back.

"Now, finish this and let me hold you to sleep" he helps you eat the porridge before you gulp down the medicines. The gummy bears follow.

With his help you lie back down on the bed as he saunters back to the kitchen, promising you to be back soon.

You're not surprised Jungkook knew the reason you broke down. You wouldn't expect any less from him and as always he has a way of making you feel loved and mattered with his words. Your husband is a gift and you want this particular gift in all your lifetimes, in every form.

He comes back with a bottle of water in his hand. He places it on the nightstand and joins you on the bed.

You stop him with a hand on his chest when he drops his head down to kiss you on the lips.

"You're gonna catch a cold" you warn.

"As if I care. Please baby, let me kiss you. You know I can't sleep without kissing you goodnight"

The chuckle that leaves you makes Jungkook's whole face light up.

"Only if you let me trace your tattoos"

"I promise" he says with the softest smile on his face.

Pouting your lips, you invite him for a kiss which he gladly places on your lip. His pillowy ones lingering for some seconds before pulling away. He kisses your cheeks next, your temples, your nose, your jaw and then finally, both of your eyes which were now damp from all the crying. Although, that didn't seem to bother him.

"I love kissing you"

When he plops back down on the bed, he pulls your entire body on top of his with your head tucked into the crook of his neck. He feels so warm and cozy, you never want to let go. He would be fine with that too.

"Honey?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you so fucking much. Let's make a baby when you get better"

"I love you too, husband. I wouldn't mind having a little one like you"

[pinkponyclubbb3]

my kink is karma

summary: y/n just moved in next door, and she’s having trouble sleeping because her neighbors keep yelling till late at night. (they’re Twitch streaming) y/n gets back at them to show them how annoying it is.

warnings: cursing, smoking, female masturbation, use of sex toys. female oral receiving

“You fucking idiot!” I sit up from my bed with my hand over my heart. “What the fuck?” I accidentally wake up my dog. I look for my phone on my nightstand but knock everything down until I reach it. 2:47am. I sigh out loud, the noise hasn’t stopped. “Fuck this.” I get up and put on my shoes.

I step outside and the wind blows in my direction. Goosebumps immediately cover my arms. I should’ve brought a jacket. I quickly walk next door and when I get to their front door I don’t hesitate to knock. I hug myself in attempt to warm up. Finally I hear footsteps and the locks unlock. I yawn and the man opens the door. “Yes?” the man looks annoyed. When my vision clears up I start regretting my outfit choice.

He has dark hair and blue eyes, wearing a white wife-beater shirt and plaid pajama pants. He looks me up and down. I’m wearing Spongebob boxers and a black tank top. “Not sure if you own a clock, but it’s 2 in the morning, and you’re yelling.” He cocks his head to the side. “And I’m not sure if you know, but this is my house.” He fakes, smiles, crosses his arms, and leans on the door frame.

“You know some of us have a real job and can’t stay up all night playing video games.” I hate how attractive he is. “I get paid while I play video games. Sorry, your job isn’t as interesting.” I scoff annoyed at the conversation. “Okay this isn’t getting us anywhere. Can you and whoever lives here stop being so fucking loud? Thanks.” I fake a smile and pat his shoulder. I turn on my heel and walk away before he gets the chance to say anything

I yawn as I go to turn the knob and realize… it’s locked. No fucking way. I kick my door out of frustration. “Fuck!” I stare at the sky, contemplating what to do. I decide to walk to the side of my house to see if I can get my window open. The noise gets louder, and I pray the guy doesn’t notice me. I peak my head to their window to get a better view and I see two other guys that look like the guy who opened the door. “Triplets. Fuck they’re multiplying.” I roll my eyes and sigh. I turn to my window and try to lift it up.

“Shit!” I yell when I realize my acrylics won’t let me open it. I debate, knocking on their window. Fuck it, they woke me up. I turn to face their house and knock loudly on their window. I scare the three of them. Two of them looked at each other, scared of a stranger at their window at 3:00 am. The guy I talked to earlier threw his head back and went to open the window. “Matt, don’t open the fucking window!” I roll my eyes impatiently, waiting. “Stalking us now?”

I give him a mocking smile. “Funny. Anyways, can you open my window? I got locked out. and I can’t slide it open with these nails.” I flip him off with both hands to show him. “Is this who was knocking earlier?” I take a deep breath clearly frustrated and nod.

“No. Chris shut the window.” I look at him in disbelief. “I wouldn’t have had to ask you if you just shut the fuck up!” Matt reaches over to shut the window. I just stare at the three of them blankly. When I realize no one is going to help me, I feel a lump in my throat start forming. “You’re all cunts!” I walk away before they see the tears forming in my eyes. “Look who’s yelling now.” It takes all my strength to stop myself from turning around and smashing their window with a rock.

I walk to my car, and thankfully, I have my spare hidden in a plant. I need to keep a house key hidden, I give myself a mental note. I open the car and get in the front seat. I don’t have my phone, so I look for something to entertain me. I look in my center console and see some half-eaten chips, and as I dig further, I see my pen. “Fuck yeah!” I say to myself. I take a hit, and let it sit in my throat. I put the key into the ignition so I could use the radio. I adjust the volume so it’s not too loud but just enough to fill the silence.

I open my sunroof and lay my seat back. I start eating my stale chips when the drug starts hitting me. I feel so relaxed my mind is not overwhelmed with thoughts about the fucking Alvin and the chipmunks living next door. I close my eyes and let myself listen to the music. I start humming along and moving my head to the beat. I take another hit and blow it out towards the sunroof. “How many hits do you need? Jesus.”

I jump out of my seat and drop my pen between my seat. “Motherfucker! What is your problem?” I let out a breath. I didn’t know I was holding. I lower my window so I can hear him. “I wasn’t gonna let you sleep outside.” I lay back in my chair and stare at him. “You’re annoying.” I see him reach inside and unlock the passenger seat door. I would protest since I just met him, and its also 3:00 am, but he’s so hot, and I can’t lie and say I’m not horny right now. Drugs are bad for me I get really turned on. Now I remember why I kept this in the car and not my room. I turn to the boy whose name I now know is Matt.

“Can I take a hit?” I go to hand it to him but realize I dropped it when he scared me. “Where your phone? I need the flash.” He hands me his phone and watches me closely and I exit the car and bend towards the center console to try to reach for it. I bend down more and hear Matt laugh. “What?” I ask him with annoyance on my face. “You’re flashing me.” He says bluntly. I look down and see my tank top is hanging low. Motherfucker.

“Like what you see?” I look at him. He bites his lip and nods. I pick up the pen and hand it to him. He takes a long drag while I settle back in my seat. “You know those SpongeBob boxers are really doing something to me.” I hit his shoulder. “Shut up.” I laugh. “Can you open my window,please?” I look at him with my tired eyes. “Only cause you asked so nicely.”

“How can I ever repay you?” I say sarcastically while we slam my car doors. We walk towards my window and I get an idea. “I can think of a few ways.” He says. I turn to him and he’s towering over me. “Yeah? And what’s that?” He tilts my chin up with one hand and grabs my waist with the other. “Let me show you.” His lips crash into mine, I wrap my arms around his neck. “What’s your name?”

“y/n” I press my lips on his again. I feel his hand play with the waistband of the boxers. I shut my eyes tightly trying not to cringe at my outfit. His fingers reach my heat and he slides a finger feeling how wet I am. “Please touch me.” I feel his hand grip my thigh from the inside of my underwear. When he takes his hand out he places it right on my heat over my clothes. I start grinding my hips on his palm trying to get any sort of release. “So fucking needy.” My eyes roll back in pleasure when he presses on my clit with his thumb. He starts using it to circle my clit “O-oh fuck,Matt”

He stops his movements and gets on his knees. He looks up at me. “Can I take these off?” I desperately nod yes. “Excuse me, Patrick.” I hit his head playfully. “Shut the fuck up.” he laughs and pulls down the boxers. He wastes no time placing his mouth on me. I throw my head back and moan his name. “F-fuck Matt just like that.” I grab his hair burying his face in me. Pornographic moans are leaving my mouth. “Fuck you taste so good.” He starts finger fucking me, and my legs start shaking. He uses his middle and ring finger to fuck me while his tongue is circling and sucking on my clit.

“I can feel you clenching around me. Are you close, sweetheart?” I nod my head, whimpering a yes. “Such a fucking slut. Letting me eat you in front of my brother's window.” My eyes widen. “I thought that was yours-fuck!” He sucks on my clit making me closer to my orgasm.

“Wanna cum?” I nod my head repeatedly. “So bad.” I feel the knot in my stomach. “Cum for me, baby.” I release all over his tongue. I subconsciously grind my hips on his mouth, riding out my orgasm. “Fuck Matt!” He pulls my boxers back up and wipes his mouth. “Wanna finish this inside.” He moves me out the way to slide open my window. He helps me climb inside and once i’m in my room I shut the window. “What the fuck?”

“Goodnight Matt.” I smile and wave at him. I lay on my bed and drift off to sleep.

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I’m finally back from work. I sigh out of frustration; it was just a bad day. Not to mention, I barely slept last night. I open my fridge to pour myself a drink. I look down and see my dog waiting for me to give him food. “This is my food. Your food is over there, babe.” I point straight ahead to show him his food bowl. I give in and get him a piece of chicken that I never finished. “Sit.” He stares at the chicken. “Roll over. Do something.” I give up and feed him the piece of chicken. “I can’t blame you. It’s not like I speak dog. How do I expect you to know what I’m saying.” I bend down to pet him, but he barks at me. “Hey! Don’t bark at me. Fat ass, I was trying to pet you, not steal your food.” I leave him be and head to my room.

I strip and change to an oversized shirt. I throw my clothes into my laundry bin and lie down. I turned on my TV to play some music to get my mind off how bad of a day I was having. I put it at a low volume to not intensify my headache. I close my eyes and memories of last night flood my mind. My hand starts roaming my body. I touch my inner thighs feeling wetness pool between my legs. Not giving myself the attention I need so I don’t make this feeling go away so quickly.

‘Such a fucking slut’ the moment replays in my head. I open my eyes and look through my drawer pulling out my pink vibrator. I turn it on to the second setting to start off. I tease myself by putting it everywhere but the place where I need the most attention. I feel my nipples harden at the contact. A moan slips from my mouth. I move my panties to the side to feel how wet i’m getting.

I start moving my vibrator close to my clit to release some tension, but before I can, the yelling and screaming start again. No fucking way. I should be the one screaming. I turn off my vibrator and go up to my window. I see the boys around two computers with controllers in their hands. One of the boys starts dancing around and pulls out a harmonica. The fuck? Where did he get a harmonica from? I grab my pillow and scream into it.

When I look closer, I see that their window is cracked open. It must’ve been when Matt shut it last night. An idea pops into my mind. I used the palms of my hands to slide open my window when it hit me. Why didn’t I use my palms to slide the window open yesterday? I go to my closet and pull out a medium sized speaker and a microphone. I turn on the speaker and connect the microphone. When I catch them not paying attention I leave my window and put the speaker right next to theirs. I go through my front door and run to my room so they won’t catch me.

I wait for the perfect opportunity to start being obnoxious. “Oh fuck! Yes that feels so good!” I start fake moaning into the mic. I kneel down so they won’t see me but I have a view of them. The three of them cough loudly trying to cover it up. I found out they were live streaming. So they can’t just cut this out of a video. “Deeper! I need your cock buried deep inside me!” I obnoxiously moan. I turn off the microphone to laugh. I cover my mouth so they won’t hear me.

I see the one that was playing the harmonica reach towards the mic. Before he can mute it I start again. “Harder! Fuck just like that!” I make pornographic nosies. I accidentally laugh into the mic. “Fuck!” I whisper yell to myself. “Nick close the window!” I hear Matt say. “I’ll be back.”

“Fuck. fuck. fuck.” I take off my shirt, leaving me in just my lace bra and panties. I throw on a satin robe and mess my hair up to make it look like I was having sex. I hear a loud knock on the door. I smear my lipstick before I open the door. “What?” I ask, fake annoyed. “Can you be fucking quiet? We’re doing a stream. Twelve thousand people just heard you going at it.” I bite back my smile. “Was my screaming obnoxious? Was I being too loud? I’m not sure if you know, but this is my house.” I see the look of annoyance in his eyes when he realizes i’m using his own words against him.

“You’re gonna get our stream taken down. Can you just stop being so loud?” I can see him getting angry. “Good maybe you’ll stop screaming until 4 in the morning.” I hear a loud crash from my bedroom. I run to my room and see my speaker is in a million pieces. “What the fuck!” Chris is climbing back into his room. Nick starts playing his harmonica again.

“I’m gonna shove that harmonica down your throat.” He peeks his head out the window. “What are you mad cause we interrupted you getting something down your throat?” I flip him off and close my window. I turn around and Matt is standing in front of me. “Were you just faking all that?”

“yes I was trying to masturbate but you guys wanted to have a fucking screaming contest!” I fall back into my bed. “Let me help you get your frustration out.” He steps closer. “You have twelve thousand people waiting for you on a stream.” he shrugs his shoulders. “Let me show you how sorry I am for interrupting.” He says as he looks at my almost naked body.

I slowly nod. He kneels down and throws my legs over his shoulder “I’m.so.so.so.sorry.” he says while he kisses my inner thighs. I move my hips around impatiently. He grabs my hips holding me still. He moves my underwear to the side and licks my folds. “Fuck” I whisper while I throw my head back. “Mmm so fucking sweet.” he flicks his tongue up and down my clit. My breath hitches when I feel him suck. His hand starts roaming up my body until he’s groping my left tit. His thumb grazes over my nipple.

He squeezes my boob tight as if he’s using it as a handle. He takes his hand away and pushes his fingers against my mouth. “Open.” he demands. I open my mouth and he shoves his middle and ring finger down my throat. When he hears me gag he takes them out just to shove them back in. When he feels his fingers wet he brings them down to my cunt. “Look at me.” I sit my self up with my elbows and look at him. The second I make eye contact he inserts his fingers inside me. “Fuck!” I throw my head back. “Look at me,y/n.” I try my hardest to keep eye contact. He places his mouth back on my clit.

I can feel his facial hair rub against me. “I’m close, Matt.” He smiles against me while he starts sucking harder. I feel him bite down, but not enough to hurt me. “Matt, I’m gonna-”

“I know baby, cum for me let me taste all of you.” I release all over his mouth. I grip the sheets so hard my knuckles are turning white.”Jesus fucking christ-” He helps me ride out my orgasm. When he gets up he takes his fingers and shoves them into my mouth again. “Taste how sweet you are.” I circle my tongue on his fingers tasting myself on him.

I hear something being thrown at my window. “Matthew!” He takes his fingers out and turns to my window. His brothers are signaling him to come to their room. “Gotta go. Hope that satisfied you enough to stop moaning so loud that my fans can hear.”

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A/n: Thank you so so much for reading !

please read my pinned post if you want to be tagged in the next fic!

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[tadpolesonalgae]

Can’t Bring Myself To Hate You — Part 23

Azriel x Third-Oldest-Archeron-Sibling!Reader

a/n: I’m so relieved to finally be getting to this fun part of the story!

word count: 5,699

-Part 22-

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Already there’s a horse and cart in the street, trunks and chests neatly stacked in the back, iron padlocks weighing heavy to keep possessions sealed. Blankets and rugs are tied in bundles, bedsheets and pillowcases that you can still smell, remember the feel of them; the warmth they retained. The heat of bare skin flush to your back. Sleepy golden eyes, sharp even when softened by early morning light. 

There’s a lump in your throat. 

Held between two chests is an open-topped crate, a myriad of personal belongings jumbled about inside: a box you know contains golden rings, his favourite being the one plain band that wraps two hands around his thumb, clinging snugly; a board game you’d tried to play after drinking, back before you’d become closer than friends; wooden goblets with geometric designs burned into their curve; a pair of glasses with circular, coloured lenses. A stack of something wrapped in cloth which must be crockery, ceramic plates with illustrations of crude figures pick-axing ice. A neatly folded quilt is tied down to one of the chests, the one that had been tucked over the back of his armchair, made up of pinks, oranges, magentas, and turquoise. Small tassels hanging off the ends that he’d made himself. 

The door to his house is propped open with a wedge crafted of iron, featuring a rabbit in a coat with carrots stuffed in his pockets. Bas’ figure emerges from the comparative darkness lofting a second, smaller crate in his arms. His eyes find yours but he makes no reaction save for the tightening of the skin at his knuckles. He exits through the waist-high wooden gate, walking to the back of the cart to heft the crate in front of the one your eyes had been previously resting on. “Hi,” you say, stepping closer but pausing a respectful distance away. Bas makes no sign of acknowledgement, muscles in his forearms flexing as he hefts the crate into place, pressing it flush to the back. You consider walking away—he clearly isn’t interested in speaking with you, but… “You’re leaving already?” 

Bas turns, his expression unchanging, still retaining the frown of concentration from transporting heavy objects to and fro but seemingly colder now you’ve appeared. His stature casts a shadow over you. “Something you want?” He asks, tone clipped but not quite sharp enough to be impatient. Softened at the end. You watch him for a moment—nothing seems sufficient enough or appropriate. ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I miss you’, ‘how are you’. Would any of those suffice? You can’t imagine them doing so. Instead you shift on your feet, casting a portion of your attention to the moving wagon standing stationary at the foot of his front garden. “It looks like you’ll be gone soon,” you observe, speaking quieter than normal for an open day. After a beat, Bas folds his arms over his chest. “Either tomorrow or the day after.” Golden eyes shift to the cart, glancing over the trunks, “Ma’s still got a few things to pack, but once those are loaded we’ll be off.” 

Off and gone to the Winter Court, almost entirely out of your reach. You only have six months left to live—do you have enough time to spend on giving him space? You can’t expect him to forgive you so suddenly, so swiftly. People aren’t made like that. But can you risk that time? If you die before seeing him again, or if this is the last time you see him you can’t risk being anything other than honest. But being honest in a situation like this…you need the time to pass to give it the deserved weight. Springing your timeline on him… You don’t want to tell him like this. So instead you look over your shoulder, glancing back into his house. “Got any more boxes that need carrying?” 

“Carrying boxes isn’t going to fix shit,” Bas mutters, the poisoned tone catching you off guard. Have you earned yourself that venom? Apparently so. 

“I just want to help,” you murmur, looking back at him. “I might not get to see you again.” 

“Your sister’s High Lady. I’m sure reaching Winter Court would hardly require a lift of her fingertips,” Bas snaps. His lips press themselves together, like he regrets the outburst. You look down, peering at the cobbles beneath your feet and give a small shake of your head. “I… If you don’t want me there, I won’t visit.” The words sting your throat like bile, hating how they sound on your tongue. “If you want your space I won’t intrude. But it… Obviously I’d like to be able to see you again.” 

A few beats pass without a reply, the quiet resting on your shoulders and you make an effort not to let it ruin the moment. You clear your throat, shaking off the mood and glancing up at him, “So. Any crates I can take?” Your heart quickens—if he denies you here it’s a full stop. You can’t imagine you’d be able to find him again if you lose him. The Winter Court is large, and their ties already strained with the Night Court—there’ll be no strings to pull. But it’s his decision now. It’s in his hands. 

Bas’ jaw works, his eyes narrowing on you in a way they haven’t done in a long time, but it seems he relents, nodding once toward his house, a loc falling across his temple with the sharp movement. “There are two small boxes in the front entrance, one contains shoes and fabrics, and the other contains herbs. Herbs go on top, yeah?” You nod your head, keeping the smile locked up tight. “Herbs go on top.” 

The box full of shoes is surprisingly weighty and you wonder if there are more than a few pairs of boots inside, studded with metal that might be weighing the crate down in your arms. Still you manage, sliding it into place on the last row of space available in the wagon before heading back to collect the box of herbs. You can pick out some of the scents: tarragon, mint, thyme. A hint of pepper and cardamon. The slight warmth of cinnamon and ginger. Rosemary. “I won’t forgive you if you try and make off with my herb box,” a voice calls from further inside. 

You start, gripping the small chest tight. 

Bas is watching from the living room doorway that leads to the hallway, stairs appearing behind him and the kitchen a little further beyond. It’s disturbing in a surreal way, to be standing inside the bones of his home. Gone are the dried herbs and flowers that had been strung along the walls and ceiling beams, rug removed from the floors and furniture sparse of cushions and quilts. Everything that made it a home, every personal detail seems to have been painstakingly stripped away, leaving only that scent of rosemary and freshly tilled earth that has familiarity stretching aching limbs in your chest. 

You summon a huff of laughter, glinting down at the plain chest. “It’s certainly tempting me…” You remember trying foods with him. Things you didn’t have access to in the woods. Dishes you wouldn’t have had access to even if you’d remained in high society. All the different herbs and spices they have here, in Prythian. The range of climates allowing for a variety of taste to grow. You remember the first time he’d soaked chicken in wine among other things, how the meat had tasted a little more bearable, flavoured and soft and tender. Feeling more like meat than leather, without the salty burn to help preserve the food.

“One more upstairs then it’s on Ma.” Bas’ statement cuts through the silent memories washing through, bringing a tremble to your fingertips but you nod. Once you load this chest into the wagon then it’s done on your end. Nothing to keep the conversation going. You manage a small smile but don’t meet his eyes as you turn with the chest in hand, walking it out to the cart and loading it in. From inside you pick out the footfalls of Bas descending the staircase and you stand back to give him room. He slides the box into place and lifts the panels of wood that will prevent any trunks from sliding out on an uphill, latching it in place. Safe and secure. 

For some reason you can’t look at him. As if looking at him will mean acknowledging it’s over, and he’s going away. 

For a moment you simply stand alongside the wagon, neither sure what to say, what to do now the shared task has been completed. Now it’s time for another decision to be made. 

Bas breaks the silence. “Thanks for the help.” You look at him, running your eyes over his expression, trying to gain hints to what’s okay to reply with. Trying to make the right choices. “Thanks for letting me help,” you reply, clearing your throat and glancing back to the wagon. Bas pats his hand once against the wood, shifting to lean his weight against the structure. “We’re going to be heading up northeast first,” he tells you and your ears prick with hope. “Ma’s got a sister who lives around there—near the coast. They haven’t spoken in a long time, but she figured if we’re moving it would be good to let her know.” 

You nod your head slowly. “Have you met your aunt before?” Bas shrugs his shoulders, his eyes skating across belongings piled up in the back, “don’t think so. Not one I can remember, at least.” You nod again, looking toward the cobbles. You should be going. Letting him get on with packing up and moving. “I hope-” Your voice catches and you have to clear your throat, swallowing a breath. Looking up a little to meet his eyes. “I hope things are better for you, wherever you go. For you and your mother.” Is that too far? Have you pushed too much? Bas seems to be asking himself the same questions, and you hope he comes to a different conclusion. 

“Pa mentioned a statue to me once,” he says softly. “One made entirely out of ice, with snakes carved, wrapping around the feet of the first High Lord of the Winter Court. Apparently it’s about the height of one of the Old Pine’s and every scale of the snake’s skin was carved by the same hand.” Bas shifts, his golden eyes locking with yours. “I hadn’t thought much of it, but we’ll be trying to find a spot around that statue since it’s where Pa grew up. Something he remembered from his childhood.” 

Your heart falls numb for a second before skipping into a swift pulse, bumping against your ribs and you take in a subtle breath. You nod your head. Ice statue with snakes. Relief strikes so hard your legs are weakened, having to shift your weight from one hip to the other so a knee doesn’t buckle. “I hope you get to see it,” you manage, sounding strained before you swallow, nodding your head. “I hope you find what you’re looking for there.” 

Bas’ mouth tightens into something that might have been a smile, then he’s nodding his head once in reply and patting the cart again. “I need to check on Ma now—see how she’s managing with packing.” He pushes off from the wagon, and you turn to watch him pass through the waist-high garden gate. He pauses. 

“Give me some time though, yeah? I need…time. Some space. Let me adjust and settle down for a bit.”

You nod your head, happy enough he seems to be allowing you to visit. You can work from there. Earn back his trust. You realise he has his back turned and can’t see you, so offer your reply, “I will.” You want to say more. I’ll miss you until then. I’m sorry. Thank you. 

But, time. 

You still have some of that left to give. 

————

You take your time walking back to the River House, following the Sidra for some way. Affording yourself the allowance to peer in shop windows, gaze at people going about their lives, wondering about what their own stories are. 

You’re happy Bas decided to tell you. Not just about where he would be moving to but about the route he’d be taking to bypass his aunt. You know he didn’t have to tell you. You weren’t entitled to that knowledge, but he decided to tell you anyway. A small piece of forgiveness—a small, tentative first step. After so much darkness in your life it seems like a tiny star twinkling in the sky, clouds parting just long enough to catch a glimpse. A promise that there is good in the world, and if you’re in a bad place now it would be foolish to stop. 

You need to keep going in order to escape it. 

————

The kitchen is surprisingly full when you enter the entry way, discarding your cloak and outer layers to the hooks on the walls, taking care to ease out the ties of your boots before also discarding them alongside other sets. 

Inside there’s no need for jumpers or cloaks, fleeces or scarves. A muffled pop of a log sounds from the living room, honestly sounding closer to someone stepping heavily on an upper floorboard but there’s something about the warmth that tells you the fire’s lit. That and you can make out the faded orange flicker on the wall parallel to the living room’s door where flame light is colouring the cream wallpaper. The smell of heated food catches your attention and your stomach shifts in response, squeezing itself together in complaint as if to remind you of how empty it is. Some warmed bread and butter would be lovely to start the day with. There might even be some chilled clotted cream available in the ice-enchanted larder. 

Rounding the corner, you’re sure you haven’t ever seen the kitchen so full. Glancing at the clock mounted on the wall beside the crockery cabinet however, you realise it’s approaching lunch time. You suppose it makes sense—if Madja’s at ten O’clock and you left after that to visit Bas, then taking your time to walk back will have brought you to lunch. That would explain the business. 

Already there’s crackling from cooking oil on the stove, the smell of heated bread and salt, the slight fattiness of meat mixing with the sweetness of sliced fruit coming from another side of the large kitchen. An egg cracks and you hear the sizzle of it as it hits the pan, the knock of steel as it slices into a chopping board, the smell of chives, onions, and tomatoes greeting you next. On the main table sits sliced bread, baked through with diced olives and rosemary, butter sitting ready for the taking on a platter with a flattened knife propped on the tray’s side. 

Feyre, Mor, and Amren are already seated at the table, each with a plate of what appears to be mashed potato surrounded by steamed beans and thickly cut ovals of tender meat. Amren's plate holds meat more that anything else. Feyre tips a deep boat of spiced sauce over her mash so it drizzles atop the vegetables before passing the boat to Mor, seeming not to care they’re eating in the kitchen rather than the connected dining room. Nesta barks something at Cassian over the loud fritz of the oil and he passes two plates to her side before returning to the chopping board, a few moments later stepping close to her side to slide the sliced chives into the pan with the eggs. A shadow whisks past you into the room, depositing salt and pepper to the side of the stove before hurriedly returning the way it had come. You turn your head quick enough to catch as it scampers back to the upper floors, disappearing through the ceiling. 

At a side along the window-lined wall is Elain, pressing her fork into some well-mashed banana before scraping it off onto some toasted bread, already softened with butter. You make your way over, taking the serrated bread knife from beside her plate to cut a slice yourself, liking the look of the thick crust and seed-scattered bread. Her eyes find you and a smile follows swiftly after, taking in your appearance, “Was it you I heard come in?” You nod, holding the bread firmly as you grind the knife forward to cut the crust, “I forgot to eat breakfast before heading out and lost track of time.”

Pulling a plate down from one of the stacks inside a cabinet with a window in you move the slice from the chopping board, “You’re having lunch?” Elain’s cheeks warm, her lips tightening as she looks guiltily out onto the front garden. “My sleep was troubled,” she admits, “I only awoke around ten thirty this morning.” 

Your brows furrow. “You’re sleeping poorly?” 

“It seems that way.” Elain exhales, pausing the sweep of her knife across the mashed banana. “It’s just the same thing over and over again. I wish the beginning would fade now it’s passed but apparently I must watch the whole sequence from start to finish.” 

She’s still getting the vision? 

You look away from her—down to the side table, “I’m sorry.” But Elain shakes her head, sighing once more before straightening her shoulders. “I’m okay. It’s just a bit of lost sleep.” Before you can ask her anymore however, the sound of footsteps catch your attention, Rhysand and Azriel apparently having finished up whatever had been keeping them from joining the lunch. Elain pushes a smile to her lips then gestures with her eyes to the table, suggesting taking a seat. You follow after her. 

“Finally given up work to grace us with your presence?” Feyre muses, resting her chin atop the smooth skin of her tough knuckles. Rhysand lifts a brow, his mouth curving with a fondness specifically meant for his mate, “I gave you plenty of attention this morning, Feyre.” But your youngest sister doesn’t blush like you would have had a lover repeated those same words for you. Instead her mouth matches his curve, blue-grey eyes alight with twinkling mischief as she inclines her head toward Azriel. “In fact I was speaking to your Shadowsinger. His presence is much more appreciated.” The male in question dips his head by a degree, taking his seat beside Amren as silently as possible while the High Lord and Lady continue their domestic teasing. 

“Is that so?” Rhysand remarks, seating himself in the chair to Feyre’s right, opposite Mor. “Will you tell me what’s so much more appreciated about my brother’s presence than my own?” Feyre arches a brow, her smile widening, “I wouldn’t want to hurt your ego, preening and engorged as it is.” Rhys’ expression shifts to something verging on smug but Mor stabs a thick oval of meat with her fork, lifting it from the plate, shifting it between Rhys and Feyre, “enough from both of you. I don’t want to hear this over lunch.” The compass point of her fork settles on her cousin, Mor’s nose wrinkling, “Az also isn’t a smug bastard, unlike someone else I can think of.”

Elain takes the open seat beside Rhysand and opposite Amren, setting her plate down and drawing her chair back, leaving you to stiffly take the one at her side, across from Azriel. What poor seating choices you’ve all made.

Behind Amren and Azriel, Nesta presses to Cassian’s side who’s holding the plates aloft, keeping them steady as Nesta transfers the four eggs in the pan between them, two soft yolks for the two slices of buttered bread atop each plate. 

“Azriel also remembered to bring me blood more frequently than yourself, Rhys,” Amren drawls from opposite Elain, a wicked croon on her crimson-cut mouth. “Even when he didn’t want information from me,” she adds pointedly. Rhys tilts his head, a plate appearing out of thin air before him on the table along with cutlery and a napkin, “and who’s to say those weren’t gifts sent along from myself?” But Amren doesn’t fall for it, reaching for a glass of red wine, “You won’t fool me, boy.” Rhysand shrugs his shoulders, unbothered by her relaxed attitude. “I suppose if you were still of the inclination to accept bottles of lamb’s blood you’d be receiving a box’s worth. I have a request to make of you.” 

Amren inclines her head, the black cut of her hair slicing along her sharp jaw, faint interest in her silver eyes, “Pray tell”.

Nesta casts salt and pepper over the plates of eggs and chives, then the two of them join the table. As Cassian departed before Nesta, he fills the seat to your right, while Nesta settles in the space opposite him, to Azriel’s left. The only way the current arrangement could be made worse is if Rhysand and Elain were to swap seats. You grimace internally and treasure her presence. 

The High Lord inclines his head to Azriel whose shadows settle a map of Prythian to the centre of the kitchen table. “Cassian and Nesta have already checked through Helion’s libraries. That means excluding the Night Court, there are five other Courts to examine.” As he speaks, thin shadow seeps across the parchment to darken the land of Night and Day, signalling they’ve each been studied.

“Between us,” Rhysand continues, “we can split between those remaining Courts, in turn accessing their libraries. Where I’ll need your help, dear Amren, is translating the books we encounter in the Old Language. I would rather not have to take them all on myself.” Rhysand pauses, lifting violet eyes from the map to the slight female diagonal from his seat, “What do you say?” 

Amren seems to consider his request and you have to fathom how respected she is to so idly take her time considering a request from a High Lord. A few beats pass as her grey eyes trace the island, then blood red lips are cutting into a grin, moon-white teeth flashing in her mouth, “I think I’m going to enjoy opening my Solstice presents this year.” 

Rhysand smiles and you wonder if he was confident Amren would accept or whether this was a gamble on his part. Feyre would probably be able to tell.

Across from the High Lord, Mor clinks her glass with Amren’s, the two females grinning from the other side of the table. There’s a smile on Feyre’s face but you imagine it’s one of those ones that rather than being of your own choice is truly the result of the infectious kind of happiness—seeing people you love enjoying themselves. 

From the other end of the table however, Nesta is studying the map, her silver eyes not even scanning the table before they’re finding Rhysand—suitably distanced from one another. “Five courts and seven of us. I would think you and Feyre would be remaining in the Night Court, leaving us with a court each,” Nesta points out, her tone verging on mild boredom. Steel glints in her hands as cutlery catches the light. “Do you intend for us each to cover the libraries of a court, or do you possess secret reinforcements on hand?” 

The beat of pause that follows her inquiry stretches a fraction of a second longer than it normally would, the tensing as if preparing for a collision to occur as it always feels when those two acknowledge one another. But Rhysand inclines his head to his right and the tension dissipates as swiftly as it had gathered. “I wouldn’t call your sisters secrets,” he muses, slowly. “But yes: reinforcements.” 

You blink. 

From the stiffness of Elain’s shoulders you imagine this is news to her, too, which brings you some level of comfort. More comfort when Elain is the one who meets Rhysand’s gaze, asking, “scouring the libraries for—what?” The relief settles deep. This setting is mildly frightening as it is without the pressure of handling easily observable interactions with others.

Rhysand’s attention settles onto Elain but you get the strange feeling it’s somehow also extending to yourself, “I believe Lucien mentioned the matter of the Prison.” Violet eyes flick over to you. “And that Feyre offered an explanation of the situation last night?” You avoid an answer by diverting your own attention to Elain who is still watching the High Lord. She nods. 

“Would you be willing to help?” Rhysand asks, without much preamble. 

Help? Help how? If it means coming into contact with a single creature that’s supposed to be inside that Prison your answer has to be a firm no. If it means attempting to wield even an ounce of your magic that seems to be sucking the marrow from your bones every passing day your answer has to be a firm no. If it means- 

Your thinking time comes to an end when Elain nods her head, and violet eyes once again flick past her onto yourself. Decision time.

You shift in your seat, unwilling to offer a definite answer, “If I can.” 

The High Lord nods and again you wonder if it was a gamble in relying on your help. As Nesta pointed out, one each to a Court seems an impossible task. But how are two extras going to aid that task? You’d have to pair up, but there would still not be enough of you. This seems to be Rhysand’s next subject matter as he again nods to Azriel, shadows pulling the map closer to the centre of the table so all can see it. Besides you, Cassian’s torso blocks out light as he leans forward, wings casting shadow upon the floor as you each examine the map with new eyes.

“So who’s tasked with which Court?” The General asks, “And who’s taking a solo trip?” 

Instinctively you’d imagine Azriel and Mor would be the two to travel solo—they seem to be the most suited to handling a task like this on their own, but what do you know?

“Well you certainly won’t be visiting Summer Court after obliterating that building,” Mor deadpans. 

“It shouldn’t have been built there,” Cassian replies with a look of mischief.

Leaning closer, Nesta nods her head to the map, “I don’t think Spring Court is a good idea for Cassian and I. I could manage Tamlin but I threatened him the last time I saw him.” Cassian’s smile widens. You guess it makes sense those two would be a pair. “If Summer Court is off the table then we’ll take either Dawn Court or Autumn Court.” 

Right.

Someone’s going to have to scour the Autumn Court. 

Besides you, Elain clears her throat. “I could go to the Spring Court.” She shifts in her seat, nodding to the lower portion of fae-inhabited lands. “I’m sure if I asked, Lucien would be willing to accompany me, and we have an alliance with them, too. I don’t imagine the High Lord of Spring being a great threat to myself but he certainly won’t be to Lu.” It’s a surprisingly sound argument. But if Elain pairs with Lucien than means you’ll be either with Mor or Amren—unless you could remain here and help search any other books in the Night Court with Feyre. 

Just as you’re about to offer the option however, Azriel speaks. “Are your ties with Viviane still sustaining, Mor?”

Mor nods her head though her smile fades almost imperceptibly.

The Shadowsinger nods. “If Mor handles the Winter Court, and Elain and Lucien take the Spring Court, that leaves Dawn, Summer, and Autumn between the rest of us.” Azriel’s shadows shift, further darkening the Courts now with assigned explorers. “Feyre and Rhysand will be staying here, taking care of ruling and the Illyrian texts?” 

The High Lord nods his head, “I’ll be covering the Hewn City, too, and splitting any ancient books between Amren and myself. Feyre will be helping with newcomers.”

“And if Cassian and Nesta are planning to move together that leaves the Summer Court,” Azriel states, hazel eyes find your own set across the table, “which you and I will cover.” 

You try to convince yourself the silence that passes over the table doesn’t stretch like you think it does. 

Hazel eyes hold yours for a second longer before returning back to the map, the Summer Court now tentatively cast in shadow. “That means Cassian and Nesta can take either Dawn or Autumn, but one pair will have to take two courts.” 

At your side, Elain fumbles. “She could come with me,” Elain pushes, “I’m sure she could help in Spring.” 

“Or with me and Cassian,” Nesta presses. 

“She could stay here,” Feyre adds, then turns to Rhysand. “Besides, the Summer Court libraries are part of the Old Temple they have which are deep in the jungle, aren’t they?” Her blue-grey eyes fall to the map, brows pinched, standing from her chair and Mor slides the map along so Feyre can jab her nail to the thick jungle of the Summer Court, an X marked in its middle. “Those jungles are dense, aren’t they,” Nesta adds, glancing to Cassian, a hard look on her face, “no flying overhead.” 

“Which is why we should be the ones to go,” Azriel says, keeping calm but firm. 

Nesta narrows her eyes, silver boring into the male at her side. “The creatures in that jungle are magical, like most of the beasts spread across Prythian. Not to mention poison and venom, and parasites in water streams unless you know which are fresh and safe to drink from. Even the beetles can be lethal, so unless you take a guide which may alert your presence in a foreign court, it will be too dangerous.” 

“Then it’s perfect that she can tell the difference between the poisonous creatures and the harmless ones.”

Azriel holds Nesta’s gaze for a beat before turning to you. “You’ve read about the jungle haven’t you. About the creatures inside?”

You mentioned the spiders the other day.

“I can go with her instead,” Nesta says, eyes sharpening. 

“You won’t be able to protect her as well as I can.” There’s no condescension in his statement, just fact. She’s learning from him and Cassian how to fight, after all. How to wield a blade. 

Nesta’s eyes remain sharp, not straying a second from their target. The temperature seems to rise, air thickening. You swallow, tongue flicking out over dry lips, “I could tell them apart.”

“No. You already have a limited life-span; you aren’t shortening it any further,” Nesta says calmly, her eyes still piercing into Azriel. And yet it’s Elain who shifts again in her seat, sitting straighter, “If she says she can tell the difference, she can tell the difference.” Elain looks over to you, a small smile on her lips. “She’s the best one to send to the Summer Court.”

A muscle flickers in Nesta’s jaw, a few, heavy moments of tension weighing through the room that have your pulse spiking for no discernible reason. Then it ends, and Nesta looks back to the map. “So Cassian and I will take the Dawn Court and the Autumn Court.” 

“You’ll only be taking the Dawn Court.” At the sound of Rhysand’s voice, Nesta’s eyes turn pure silver for a fraction of a second.

She arches a narrow brow, her expression sharper than an Illyrian blade. “So you’ll send Mor instead?” She asks, the hiss of slicing steel underlying her honed tone. “Or do you think you can get Lucien to squeeze his way back into his home-Court?” There’s a dangerous challenge in her silver eyes. 

“Neither,” the High Lord answers, slowly. “Feyre, Amren, and I will remain here. Myself searching the libraries the priestess’ cannot cover, Amren for backup on the ancient texts, and Feyre with helping as we begin a slow evacuation of the towns surrounding the Prison as a precaution and preventative. Mor will cover Winter, Elain and Lucien will cover Spring, and you and Cassian will cover Dawn.”

Even Feyre’s looking at him strangely.

“The Summer Court boarders the Autumn Court,” Rhysand states. “We can’t afford to waste time making extra journeys.” 

So you and Azriel will be taking both the Summer Court, and the Autumn Court. 

Rhysand breaks his gaze with Nesta only to find your eyes further along the table. They’re steadfast. Grounded. “Will you manage that?” 

Why put that decision on you? 

You look across the table to Azriel—why had he of all people volunteered to pair up with you? His logic checks out, but wouldn’t Mor have been able to ward off any magical creatures? Then again, your relationship with Mor isn’t the best… 

Azriel gives no clue to his emotions, other than a subtle incline of his head. 

Your throat rolls, but you force yourself to look back at Rhysand, and offer a nod of your head, “I can manage.” 

All seven Courts are ensconced in shadow. 

————

You sigh as you settle into bed, tucking yourself close between the duvet and mattress. Plumping the pillow beneath your cheek as you curl your knees to your chest. 

You’ll be leaving in three days, but bypassing a coastal town Northeast of Velaris. The condition of you entering the Summer Court jungle was you’d at least have some kind of protection other than Azriel. The sea-town is also the only town outside of Illyria that will sell Illyrian blades, and Illyrian leather from the wild oxen that inhabit the unforgiving terrain of the steppes, its hide significantly tougher to compete with the rocky climate and freezing nights.

You don’t like the idea of having to carry a blade of your own, but you suppose, knowing some of the creatures within, you’d rather be with it than without it. Although you’ve yet to decide whether you’ll be visiting Autumn first or Summer. 

But that’s a decision for tomorrow. 

——————————————————————————————————————————————

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[its-avalon-08]

it all fell down (ln4)

part11

multipart story! part1 part2 part3 part4 part5 part6 part7 part8 part9 part10

✦ pairing - lando norris x female reader

very important note at the end - pls read it

summary : lando norris and y/n were friends for 20 years, fell in love and dated for five. until it all fell down. they left each others lives abruptly and never spoke again, until they met again in the most unexpected way. can they find their way back or will certain scars never heal?

Y/N and Lando walked back to her apartment in silence, the cool rain still falling lightly around them. Their hands were entwined, the contact grounding them as they made their way through the quiet streets. Every step felt like a promise, every glance a reassurance that they were finally on the same page, ready to confront the past that had haunted them for so long.

As they entered Y/N’s apartment, the familiar warmth of the space enveloped them. She flicked on the lights, casting a soft glow over the room, and dropped her keys on the counter. For a moment, they just stood there, the weight of what had happened between them settling in the air.

Lando took a deep breath, breaking the silence. “We should talk.”

Y/N nodded, her heart pounding. “Yeah, we should.”

They moved to the couch, sitting down with a cautious distance between them, the tension from before replaced with a more vulnerable kind of anticipation. The kind that came from knowing that the next few minutes could either heal them or break them all over again.

Y/N was the first to speak, her voice trembling with emotion. “I never wanted things to end the way they did. I was just… scared, Lando. Scared of how much you meant to me, scared of losing myself in you. I didn’t know how to handle it.”

Lando’s eyes softened as he looked at her, the pain of their breakup still fresh in his memory. “I get it, Y/N. I was scared too. But the way we both handled it… the things we said…”

His voice broke slightly, and Y/N reached out, her hand finding his. “We hurt each other so badly,” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’ve never regretted anything more than the way I treated you. I thought pushing you away would make it easier, but it just… destroyed us.”

Lando squeezed her hand, his own eyes glistening with tears. “You said dating me was a mistake, and it killed me, Y/N. I kept hearing those words over and over, wondering if you ever really loved me at all.”

Tears spilled down Y/N’s cheeks as she shook her head, her voice cracking. “I didn’t mean it, Lando. I was so angry, and I just wanted to hurt you because I was hurting. But I never, ever believed that. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Lando’s breath hitched, his own tears now falling freely. “It wasn’t just you, though. I said things too, things I can’t take back. I was so hurt by what you said, I wanted you to feel the same pain I was feeling. But all it did was tear us apart.”

Y/N leaned closer, her voice breaking with emotion. “I hated myself for letting you go, for saying those things. Every day, I missed you, Lando. But I was too proud, too scared to admit that I was wrong.”

Lando’s hand came up to cup her cheek, his thumb gently wiping away her tears. “I missed you too, more than I can even explain. But I was so angry at you, and at myself. I felt like I wasn’t enough for you, like I couldn’t make you happy.”

Y/N shook her head, more tears falling. “You were everything to me, Lando. I was just too blind to see it at the time. I let my fear control me, and I lost the most important person in my life because of it.”

Lando’s voice was thick with emotion as he spoke. “I felt the same way, Y/N. I lost myself in the anger, in the pain of losing you. I started acting out, trying to forget, but nothing worked. Nothing made me feel better.”

The air between them was heavy with all the unsaid words, all the pain that had been bottled up for so long. Y/N’s heart ached as she looked at Lando, seeing the hurt in his eyes, knowing she had put it there.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “For everything. I wish I could take it all back, Lando.”

Lando shook his head, pulling her closer. “We can’t change the past, but we can start over. We can try again, if you still want that.”

Y/N’s tears flowed freely as she nodded, her heart swelling with hope. “I do, Lando. I want that more than anything. But I don’t want to hurt you again.”

Lando pressed his forehead to hers, his voice a soft, broken whisper. “We’ll figure it out, Y/N. Together this time. No more running away, no more pushing each other away. Just us, facing whatever comes together.”

Y/N let out a sob, the weight of the past finally lifting from her shoulders. “I love you, Lando. I never stopped.”

Lando’s own tears fell as he pulled her into a tight embrace, holding her as if he would never let go. “I love you too, Y/N. And I’m not going anywhere.”

They held each other for a long time, their tears mingling as they finally let go of the pain that had kept them apart for so long. The world outside faded away, leaving just the two of them, wrapped in each other’s arms, ready to start over.

Y/N and Lando sat on her couch, the heaviness of their earlier conversation giving way to a lighter, more playful atmosphere. The weight of their past had been lifted, leaving space for something new—something familiar, yet fresh.

Y/N curled up, tucking her legs under her as she sipped on the hot chocolate Lando had made. She glanced at him, a playful smirk tugging at her lips. “So, tell me… how many dates did you go on while we were broken up?”

Lando raised an eyebrow, feigning innocence. “Me? Dates? Nah, I was just too busy being a ‘man of mystery’ or whatever the tabloids were calling me.”

Y/N chuckled, nudging his shoulder. “Oh, come on. You know I kept tabs on you. You weren’t exactly subtle about it.”

Lando grinned, leaning back against the couch. “Okay, fine. I went on a few dates… but none of them ever felt right. I’d be sitting there, trying to make conversation, but all I could think about was how you would have rolled your eyes at the things they were saying.”

Y/N laughed, a soft blush creeping up her cheeks. “Well, for the record, I didn’t date much either. I tried, but every guy just felt… off. They weren’t you.”

Lando’s smile softened as he looked at her, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “So, we were both equally terrible at moving on, huh?”

“Pretty much,” Y/N admitted, laughing. “I even went out with this one guy who was super into cars, hoping it would make things easier. But all I could think about was how much you’d love to debate him on whether Ferrari or McLaren was better.”

Lando snorted, shaking his head. “That poor guy didn’t stand a chance.”

Y/N giggled, the sound light and infectious. “Nope, not at all. And every time I’d see a photo of you with some model, I’d convince myself that I was totally over you… but then I’d stalk your Instagram and see your stories, and I’d realize I was just lying to myself.”

Lando chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, I may have done some stalking myself. I’d see you posting about all the new things you were doing, and I’d try to convince myself that you were happier without me. But it only made me want to reach out more.”

Y/N shook her head with a smile. “It’s kind of sad, isn’t it? We were both trying so hard to move on, but we couldn’t stop thinking about each other.”

“Sad?” Lando repeated, raising an eyebrow. “I think it’s kind of sweet. We’re both just hopeless when it comes to each other.”

“Yeah, hopeless,” Y/N agreed, her voice softening. “I guess that’s what happens when you fall in love with your best friend.”

Lando’s expression grew tender as he reached out, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I missed you so much, Y/N. No one could ever compare to you.”

Y/N’s heart fluttered at his words, and she placed her hand over his, squeezing it gently. “I missed you too, Lando. Every single day.”

They sat there in comfortable silence, their fingers intertwined, both of them reveling in the warmth of their reunion.

Lando glanced at her, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “You know, if we’d just swallowed our pride a little sooner, we could have avoided all those awful fucking dates.”

Y/N laughed, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “True. But then we wouldn’t have these funny stories to tell.”

“Fair point,” Lando conceded, grinning. “And, hey, at least we know now that no one else stands a chance.”

Y/N smiled, leaning her head on his shoulder. “No one ever did, Lando. It was always you.”

Lando wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer. “And it was always you for me, too.”

As they sat there, cuddled up on the couch, the weight of the past fell away entirely, leaving only the warmth of the present. They were no longer two people trying to move on from each other—they were two people who had finally found their way back home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------avaspeaks - hi lovelies! im so sorry for being gone for so long, exam prep threw me for a toss and i was so occupied and busy. but now im back for good and ready to update the blog. i felt so awful for not updating because i know the frustration when a series is just left unfinished. but worry not because your girl is back and ready to finish all the requests and series!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

taglist ---> @misspygmypie @kol67-t @sltwins @f1fantasys @sarx164 @imboredway2much @demandealalune e @elz-xo o @bellelovesharryy @hey-there9-its-me @marauders-wife @itsjustfranzi @l-sofiamia-l @ironmaiden1313 @01rrdbull @avni-sarai @maddy27

comment to get added to the taglist

[yoursdeadlynightshade]

Under the stars | Words 1.4k

The night air is cool against Regulus's skin, biting into his exposed cheeks and neck though it isn’t cold enough to drive him back indoors.

The silence between them is comfortable, easy, broken only by occasional rustling of grass as James shifts beside him, lying flat on his back, eyes heavily focused on the endless night sky.

The stars above twinkle lazily, making the dark sky seem like a blanket full of shiny things. Instead of their usual place—the Astronomy tower—James has insisted they come out here—has dragged Regulus by the arm wearing the same maddening grin. 

There’s something magnetic about James, something that makes it hard to say no, even when Regulus wants to.

Now they lay side by side, arms touching gently, stretched out on the damp grass right in the middle of the quidditch pitch. 

But for once, James is unbelievably quiet. 

And Regulus likes him this way. Not that James’s talking was entirely unbearable—no, that isn’t it. But there is something about the silence that makes Regulus feel… less alone.

“There.” James breaks the stillness, lifting an arm to point toward the sky, his voice barely above a whisper. “That one. It looks like a broomstick, doesn’t it?”

Regulus follows the direction of James’s outstretched hand, squinting at the constellation James is referring to. He tilts his head, trying to make sense of it, but all he sees is a jumble of stars.

He snorts. “That’s not even close to a broomstick, James.” 

James laughs softly, not the loud, boisterous sound Regulus is used to hearing, but a quieter, more intimate chuckle. “Yeah, well… maybe I just see things differently.”

There’s something in his tone that makes Regulus pause, something beneath the usual playful teasing. He turns his head slightly to glance at James, but James is still looking up, his expression softer than Regulus has ever seen it.

“You know,” James continues, voice lower now, like he’s confessing something he isn’t meaning to. “Every time I look up at the stars… I think of you.”

Regulus’s heart dances in his chest. “What?”

“Yeah.” James finally turns his head to meet Regulus’s gaze, brown eyes shining with something soft. “You’re like that, you know? Always there. Quiet. Distant. But… kind of beautiful.”

The words hit Regulus like a punch to the chest. Beautiful. No one has ever called him that, not in a way that feels real, not in a way that matters. And yet, hearing it from James Potter of all people makes something inside him break loose.

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but the words stick in his throat.

“You’re messing with me,” he finally chokes out, voice full of accusation. 

James’s smile doesn’t falter. “I don’t lie when it comes to you, Regulus.’’

There’s a sincerity in his voice that makes Regulus’s heart race, a sincerity that terrifies him. He’s used to people wanting things from him—affection, loyalty, obedience—but James doesn’t seem to want anything. Just this moment. Just the stars and the quiet and Regulus by his side.

“Are you alright?’’

“Why wouldn’t I be?’’

“James,’’ Regulus murmurs, his fingers gently covering James’ hand. “Please, just tell me.”

“I think… I think—I’m not in love with Evans anymore.’’

Regulus’ mouth hangs agape at the same time his heart skips a beat. He’s ready to embrace hurt. Of course, James might be hurt over it. 

“Oh,’’ he whispers, barely audible. “You… wanna talk about it?’’

“I don’t know. Not really. I feel like,’’ James chokes, eyes squeezing shut. “I feel like I’ve been chasing an idea not a— not a person. And I hate myself for it.”

“James. James, don’t be. It’s alright to mess up our lives a bit you know?’’ Regulus mutters, “No one hands us a guideline to live our lives. It’s in our hands to do so. It’s normal and accepted to be flawed and to be filled with some mistakes.”

“I know. That’s not all to it either.”

“Oh.”

James hesitates, his breath hitching like he’s on the verge of death. “I’m in love with this person,” he whispers, his voice shaking but determined. “I’m so in love with them. When they smile—god, when they smile, I can’t breathe. It’s like everything in me stops. And when their eyes catch the light, when they look at me and there’s that spark…” He lets out a strangled laugh. “It’s everything. They’re everything. I want to hold them, protect them, and love them. And it’s driving me mad because I don’t know what to do with it.”

Regulus feels his stomach drop, the words sinking in with the force of a tidal wave. His mind spins with the realisation, with the crushing weight of what James is saying. James is in love. Deeply, irrevocably in love with someone else.

Not him, again. But with someone else, again.

“So… does she not feel the same way? Is that why you’re upset?” 

James blinks, his brow furrowing. “She?”

“Huh?” 

“Not a she,” James murmurs quietly, as if the truth is finally slipping from his grasp.

Oh, a boy then. 

Regulus swallows hard. “That’s alright, too. I mean, I’m literally gay, James. I—”

“I’m in love with you,” James interrupts, his voice trembling but unyielding, “It’s you, Reg. You are the person I’m in love with”

The world falls silent.

Regulus’s mouth hangs open, his mind struggling to catch up with what he has just heard. His heart pounds  so loudly in his ears that it drowns out the rest of the world, leaving nothing but the echo of James’s words. 

“What?” 

James’s eyes are desperate now, searching Regulus’s face for any sign.

“It’s you, Regulus,” he repeats, his voice softer, more vulnerable. “You make me feel all those things. I love you. I’m in love with you.”

James Potter is in love with him. Not with someone else this time.

He tries to process it, trying to make sense of the rapid, frantic beating of his heart, the way his chest aches with the force of it all. 

James’s face is pale, his eyes wide and filled with something raw—fear, maybe, or hope. “I’m sorry,” James whispers, the words trembling in the night air. “I didn’t mean to— I just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I had to tell you.”

Regulus’s breath hitches, his throat tight with the overwhelming wave of emotions crashing through him. He wants to speak, wants to say something—anything—that’ll make this easier, but the words were stuck, lodged somewhere deep in his chest.

“James…” His voice is barely audible, a whisper in the wind.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just… I needed you to know.” 

Suddenly, everything clicks into place. The late nights spent together, the way James’s smile always seemed softer when it was just the two of them, the way his eyes lingered on Regulus a little too long, the way his jokes had always seemed a little more tender, a little more meaningful.

Regulus’s hands tremble as he moves, his fingers brushing against James’s arm, tentative, unsure. James’s head snaps up, his wide eyes locking onto Regulus’s, and for a moment, they just stare at each other, the world around them fading away.

“You love me?” Regulus asks, his voice barely more than a breath.

James swallows hard, his gaze unwavering. “Yeah, Reg. I love you.”

And at that moment, Regulus knew. He knew because his heart feels lighter, like it’s finally free after being caged for so long. He knows because he wants to reach out and pull James into his arms, to feel the warmth of him, the solidity of him, and never let go.

“I think…” Regulus’s voice cracks, and he takes a shaky breath, “I think I might love you, too.”

James eyes go wide, breath catching. “You think?’’

“No, I—” Regulus shakes his head. Not think, no. He knows. “I know.”

Before Regulus can second-guess himself, he closes the distance between them, his lips crashing against James’s in a kiss that was all at once fierce and tender, desperate and gentle.

James kisses him back with the same intensity, his hands finding their way to Regulus’s face, holding him like he was something precious, something he can’t bear to lose. 

And in that moment, under the stars and the cool night breeze, everything finally made sense.

James pulls back, just enough to rest his forehead against Regulus’s, his breath coming in short, shaky bursts. “You really mean it?” he asks, his voice full of hope and disbelief.

Regulus smiles, something soft and real. “Yeah, I really mean it.”

And for the first time in quite a long time, James Potter looks like he isn’t lost anymore. He looks like he’s home.

[soft4gguk]

on my little absence 🤍

A little over a week ago I moved into my big girl home. I’ll probably have an even bigger girl home in the future, a place to really call my own. With no landlord and no rules and a mortgage or something. But for now this is my big girl move, in my new big girl home. A home that I carefully picked out, one that I decided upon with so much heart and care. For example, I made sure pets were allowed because I finally feel ready for a puppy. One with two sinks in the master bathroom because suddenly I’m in love in the way that makes you look out for things like that. I picked a house with big windows and tall ceilings because I like waking up to sunlight, but recently purchased really expensive black out curtains because I’ll often share a bed with someone that hates to. I went grocery shopping the other day, all by myself, and found myself buying all of my loved ones favorite snacks, just in case they ever decide to take a train or a plane my way. My fridge smells like blue cheese and I hate blue cheese but my mom loves it and she’s the person I miss the most. Upon telling her this she booked tickets for next week. I am so excited, even though I feel like I’m cheating a little bit. It’s all fair in the name of love and I am so loved (this is something I remind myself of when I feel really alone). And yes, I feel alone quite often and I’m trying to find comfort in it. I used to be so good at it, being alone, but I paid the price of good friends and an even better family and suddenly I don't know how to be as good as i used to be at it anymore. I’m learning, though. I took myself to the cinema today to watch I Am Still. I laughed and cried and sang along and there were two lovely girls sitting next to me that encouraged me to join their little seven dance. It was healing. I left the cinema with my jungkook cup and got myself sushi and ate it at home watching run BTS reruns on my couch because I don’t have a dining table yet. At this point I’m rambling but i so badly wanted to update you guys. I had to focus on… learning how to live like this. It’s been beautiful in the way hard things are and I’m probably dramatizing it a little too much but it calls for it, I reckon. Anyways, I’ll be back tomorrow to answer your asks. I didn’t go anywhere. I love you so much.

[aestheticpearl]

— 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐞

✧·˚what happens when xanthus turns you but you never wanted to be turned in the first place?

“what have you done to me?”

your eyes hurt with the bright lights that didn’t seem so bright moments ago, but then again you could barely feel your body moments ago, then all of a sudden you felt your once numb body feel so intensely that it was painful.

you lock your eyes with xanthus, his lips and fangs smeared with blood that you can tell if it’s yours or his, deep down you know it’s a mixture of both. you don’t want to accept that though, you don’t want to accept the reality of you being turned and now stuck as an immortal being.

“what did you do? what have i become?” you look down at your hands, they have a paler complexion that frightens you.

xanthus moves cautiously as if to not spook you, almost as if you’re a skittish baby deer that’ll bolt at any second.

“love, i had no choice—” his voice is soft as he cautiously reaches out to you, only for you to pull back almost immediately.

“how could you? you should’ve just let me die.”

“no!” he doesn’t mean to shout at you and he certainly doesn’t mean for you to flinch at his tone. “…no love please understand.”

“you’ve doomed me to an eternity of a life i do not want to live.”

“you don’t mean that, you’re confused.”

tears freely flow down your face as you come to terms with your situation. stuck as a vampire for the rest of your time on this earth, forced to drink the blood of the living, the thought of it almost makes you hurl.

you seek xanthus’ comfort but he was the cause of all this distress, but you feel beyond conflicted and these emotions are only intensified with this new you.

“i need you to be away from me.”

“i’m not leaving you love.” xanthus only backs away from you but his eyes never leave your figure.

it’s silent for undisclosed amount of time until you speak up.

“…i’m hungry.” you sniffle. “i don’t want to be hungry.” a hiccup. “i’m scared.”

xanthus moves close to you and gets down to your level.

“i’m right here love, i can find you something to eat okay?”

“i don’t want to drink blood.” you cry out through tears. “i’m not a vampire, i’m a human.”

xanthus’ crimson eyes are filled with empathy for you as he recalls feeling the same way when he was first turned. he does his best to comfort you by pulling you into an embrace.

“i know love, i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry.” he pets your hair as you cry into his arms.

you hate how comforting his embrace is and how it puts you at ease, like your body recognizes him. you want to be mad and scream and shout at him for doing this to you but you just can’t bring yourself to do so.

“you’re not going to go through this alone love, i will stay with you forever i promise.” he holds onto you tightly. “i love you, i don’t need a bond to tell me that.”

the bond. you had almost completely forgotten about the bond and then it suddenly hits you, xanthus had felt your death and had to push through the pain and emotions to turn you. he’s grieving you as much as you’re grieving yourself.

you look up at him and wrap your arms around his neck in a tight embrace that he returns with a passion.

“i’m sorry love, i understand if you don’t forgive me.” xanthus can feel his own tears prick his eyes, but he does his best to stay strong for you.

“if there was any other way i would’ve tried it i swear, i never wanted this for you my love. i just couldn’t let you slip through my fingers like this, i’m sorry.”

you’re scared and your whole body seems to be shaking with sobs or hunger, but you can’t really tell what it’s from and some how that scares you more.

“just please don’t leave me.”

your silence scares xanthus more than he’d care to admit.

“okay.”

i feel like i have too many xanthus posts but i just can’t help myself with vampire tropes man😔

.love always <3 pearl

.masterlist

[maikissed]

cherry flavoured lips 2

Kylian Mbappé x reader

She did numb the confusion, with many other feelings on the way.  angst

part 1 is here

! a little note: the events in this fic are placed in time when Kylian still played for PSG. an important note: This is pure fiction. A name appears in this story, that might be associated with a real person, however I do not attribute anything negative to anyone in real life. I do not know personally any original person that appears in this story. So to sum up: no hate, just love.

If there are any blinding misspells, I'm sorry.

The next day Fleur greeted her with the most sour and condemning look on her face known to mankind. The next day weather turned gloomy, sun hid far behind many grey clouds, it looked like it was going to pour heavily. The next day her mother started to emphasize with regret that she has made too much pie and it is a shame that Kylian had to leave so soon. The next day she could not even look at the big fruit bowl full of freshly picked cherries, placed at the centre of the breakfast table. The next day she felt her heart break to a great extent, to the point of tears welling up in her eyes. But no tear has fallen down her cheek, she could not cry the way she used to every single time she was forced to watch Kylian with a new girl on his arm. Because it was never a subject, she never brought it up and their friendship stayed safe, despite the despair reaping on her heart. The next day she was not so sure they would survive anymore. She blamed him, she blamed herself. She blamed love and her most likely dead heart.

The day before, in the late evening, after the events in the cherry orchards, he knocked on the doors to her bedroom. She let him in, she agreed the conversation was crucial, but there were things that he was not familiar with and she was immensely afraid to speak with him about it. She wasn’t really sure what caused such distress on her side, why couldn’t she live freely, just like he was? She did not owe him anything.

His presence in her room weakened her, she was not so resolved anymore. She remembered his touch, his breath and his lips on her and how she thrived in this intimate moment between them. She was floating in his embrace while it lasted, while it felt right and fulfilling. Until the reality hit back in like the end of the world. And there he was now, standing confidently in front of her, with his dark, intimidating gaze swallowing her whole. She tightened the tails of the satin bathrobe around her body and took few steps back to sit on the big armchair in the corner of the room, bending her legs in the knees to let them rest on her side. Her eyes locked with his.

“Speak to me” he started, no embarrassment in his voice. Always so sure, always so assured.

Was he so confident he could have her now? When he wanted? Or continue to play with her as he seen fit?

“I’m seeing someone” a shot, like a gunfire.

She could see him freeze, sat on the verge of her king-size bed. Fingers intertwined between his legs, a question visible in his eyes.

“For six months now” she added, feeling her throat tightening.

Somehow she wanted to have a fight with him. She wondered what would it take for him to pick it up. Maybe she’ll have to provoke him.

“You haven’t said anything” he murmured, his eyes lowered, focused on his hands connected on his lap.

“Were you always informing me about your girlfriends straight away?” her voice raw.

Tears close.

He bit his lower lip, as if fighting the urge to leer or laugh at her.

“You always found out at some point” when he looked up at her again there was some form of cruel wrath hiding behind his eyes.

“Yes” she whispered “Yes, I did” her eyes glazing. No, fight it, she reminded herself.

“We were always telling each other everything. Why was this a secret for such a long time?” his voice broke a little at the end. A sign of hurt, distrust.

“I wanted to be sure. Wanted to keep this to myself for a while before you would ruin it for me yet again.”

He frowned in displease. These were harsh words, an accusation.

“Tonight, you almost did” her gaze sharp, composed.

“I had no idea” he answered in defence.

But it was not what she meant.

“I appreciate your friendship, Kylian. You truly mean the world to me. But I don’t always seem to read your intentions correctly” finally, her voice started to shake a little. She was expecting that. She could stand in a fight with any person in the world, being the most collected and composed while doing so, but not with Kylian. Especially right now, when she knew the outcome of it might be deadly for both of them “Do you remember our first kiss when we were fifteen? I knew it was an experiment but it absolutely messed with my head back then. I was about to attend the school ball with Adrien as my partner. I stood him up.”

His eyes turned bigger while he listened. He opened him mouth to say something, but she did not let him.

“Or that night in Paris few years ago, when you got so drunk I had to make sure you made it home safely. I stayed the night since you asked so nicely” the mere memories of these moments made her tremble. She wondered if he had any idea how perfectly fucked up she was because of him, by him “I spent the night in your bed, sleeping next to you. You touched me and kissed me before you completely blacked out. The next day I found out you were involved with Emma” the way she spat the words out was vicious. The stupor in his features made way for abashment “And now you’re doing it again” she continued, not looking his way anymore “Coming as you please, going as you please. I am a person, you cannot play with my feelings like it means nothing”

“Why are you putting it this way? It’s not like that” he objected.

It felt strange to finally, after so many years, let it all out, to finally admit the truth behind their relationship over the years. She was carrying it hidden far too long. But there was the dark and painful truth next to it, the fact that if they were about to set all the things clear, they would have to set boundaries, resulting in them growing apart. But she was always choosing him first, maybe it was the time to choose herself, like her father always taught her.

“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I sacrificed a lot for you” breath stuck in her throat for a moment, a very bad sign of the possibility of breaking down in front of him.

He knew her sadness, he was familiar with her tears, although at this moment, she felt the need to act resolved. Distant.

“I do know that you love me” her voice so soft, soft but somehow cruel, like a stab in his guts. He was lacking air in his lungs “But I was never your first choice” a miserable sob coming out of her.

He felt the urge to stand up, to comfort her but he seemed the be the villain in this story. A tragic thing really, that he was not aware of the stupidity of his actions thorough the years.

“It took me too long to realise that I grew out of the simple love I had for you as a lifetime friend” he started, now nervously, now less composed.

He never considered himself a romantic soul. Found it difficult for himself to care, to speak in language of love, to show someone his devotion and adoration. It was one of the main reasons why his past relationships fell apart rather quickly, him always being the guilty one for the lack of affection. Cold and cruel, were the words he heard so often, the women in his life walking away from him with their broken hearts on theirs palms, their eyes red, puffy, full of suffering and deception. Impassivity and torpor on his side as he moved on with his life.

But it was different with her. Because the only person he only, truly and infinitely loved was her. It took him so long. He never felt his heart break, he never suspect it could even have a sound, yet there it was - her tortured and cracking voice declaring rejection, filling his ears. Definition of the broken heart always waking some form of derision in him, now suddenly so clear and so painful he could not believe it real. A misery.

“You have every right to punish me for it” he tried to catch her gaze from distance, but she was stubborn in avoiding it “But please, let me change that” he tried to stand up but felt himself glued to the bed. It was the very first time he opened this way to anyone “You are the only person that has my heart, you always were. It might be a bad moment to finally voice it out, but…”

“It is” she interrupted him. And if her earlier words felt like a merciless stab, these felt like the final execution.

Like a dream, a very bad one. The one that leaves you with that hollow and swallowing feeling of anxiety when you wake up, terrified and abandoned. She turned cold, merciless, something he never experienced on her side, something unknown.

-Two years ago-

“Ky, you’re heavy, I know you can stand on your own, stop it” she whined with a little laugh at the end when they reached the doors to his apartment. His arm tightly wrapped around her shoulders as he leaned into her, claiming that he was way too worn out to even stand straight.

Of all the things, Kylian chose to turn into a real mess tonight. He never drank too much alcohol but this year he declared it was the right time for him to enjoy freedom and carefreeness. And y/n knew one thing for sure: Kylian could not handle his alcohol and the results led into him turning into the whiniest and most stubborn creature she struggled to stand. However, she had to admit, that he was even funnier while drunk. That was bringing her enjoyment. And her little tipsy state added to that, of course.

“Alright, there we go” she cooed as she pressed him against the kitchen counter, her gaze already searching for the location of the kettle. He was keeping himself straight just fine “You need some warm water, or maybe a tea, but bitter. Are you going to puke tonight?” she asked with a funny look on her face.

He smirked, his eyes small, lids heavy, he needed rest definitely. He blinked slowly and she giggled before he placed his hands behind her back, low, embracing her close, his face resting in the crook of her neck.

“I need my bed” he murmured against her skin there, causing ticklish goose bumps to spread all over her body and she laughed, trying to get him off, but for a person that claimed to have no strength to move, he was quite persistent in holding into her.

“Okay, you big baby, let’s go then”

“You smell so nice” he murmured, leaning away with a sweet, yet tired smile on his face.

Like a spell casted upon her, she felt her limbs weakening under his hazy gaze, her chest filling with a warm and tender feeling at the sight of him. He looked so boyish, it almost made her want to kiss him. But she stepped away, taking a hold of his hand, he kept watching her attentively.

“Come” she added, heading in the direction of his bedroom.

“A shower would be nice” he mumbled, reaching back to take off the t-shirt he was wearing “But I don’t think I am able to do it now” he considered, almost like talking to himself.

“Yeah” she laughed “Go to sleep, you can shower in the morning” she watched him carelessly toss the clothing on the floor.

“Unless you are willing to help me?” he started, facing her and in the same moment his fingers reached to undo the belt of his trousers. His eyes on her.

Her eyes, on the other hand, were too low, she realised. She brought them back up quickly, her skin heating up at the realisation of being caught. Because she knew he noticed. He just casually, shamelessly flirted with her, comfortably undressing himself while doing so.

“Did you bump your head on the way home? I haven’t registered that” she snickered playfully to which he answered with a low laugh, making her even more flustered than before.

She could not keep her eyes up, it was a torment. The belt tossed aside, pants still on, with the top button simply undone.

“You are a cold woman” he muttered under his nose, and then, his next question, substantially knocked her off her feet: “Stay with me?”

They were eleven the last time they slept in the same bed.

“I have an exam tomorrow morning, I should go back home” she stated, her tone more serious now.

“Come on, it’s online. You can log in to class here as well. Don’t leave me alone on my birthday” he argued stepping closer to where she stood, taking her hands in his, a plea visible on his face, his eyes round and begging and glassy in the drunken state “Please?” she snorted at that, meanwhile realising that he drew the best card. She could not say no to him, ever.

“Technically, your birthday was two hours ago” he rolled his eyes at her smart answer “And if you wanted company so much, you could have grabbed yourself a lady for the night” her eyes hard but amusement dancing in them as she gazed up at him. Focusing on looking into his eyes, not fucking lower, not on his bare chest so close to her.

“Hm. I thought I have”

“Alright!” she called stepping away from him, feeling nervous all of a sudden “Get your ass in bed, I have to change. Gonna borrow your clothes”

“Help yourself!” he called after her after she passed him, heading in the direction of the wardrobe.

She struggled with choosing the right kind of clothes to join him in a shared bed. She considered this situation rather unusual and difficult. She was not stupid, she knew that such distress was caused by unequivocal feelings she had for him for a long time now. Which is why her attitude towards him changes drastically, fear of these feelings not being reciprocal paralysed her. She felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, way too willing to take a step and fall right to her death.

Blunt enough of her, she decided on wearing just one of his shirts. Shorts ignored. Her heart threatening to jump out of her chest.

But when she came back to his room, Kylian was already asleep, which should not be a huge surprise. At the same time she felt some form of relief but also disappointment. After turning off the night lamp she carefully dived under the sheets, next to him, making sure to not stir him out his peaceful rest. Relaxing against the pillows, she faced the ceiling, slowly the heat radiating of his body reached her and she shivered, the temperature in the room seemed to be rather low.

But suddenly she gasped softly when she felt his hand sneaking around her belly, the touch being sure and prominent. And when his arm snaked around her form, palm resting on her side, he pulled her into the front of his body. She turned her head to look at him, the beating of her heart increasing again. His eyes remained closed, she concluded he must have acted reflexively, still in his sleep.

“You’re shivering” his voice startled her, turned out he was not asleep, or maybe she in fact woke him up “Come here” he murmured, his hand resting on her side gently pushing her to turn his way.

She faced him, closely.

“Well, maybe because you sleep in a freezer” she whispered softly, but here was no witty response from him.

What he did next was slide his hand lower, down her thigh and she absolutely froze when he put his hand on the inner side of her knee and hiked it up to let her leg rest above his hip. She wondered how much his actions were conscious and not acted in the haze of sleep and alcohol fogged perception. She wondered, because then his touched followed the same path back, along her thigh, softly, over her backside, to press harder just above it, to keep her closer. His palm stayed there, under the shirt she was wearing, the clothing now hiked up, her lower body almost bare. This position was uncomfortable but she was not focused on it completely. She was putting a real fight to keep her breath steady but there seemed to be no point in trying to calm her rising pulse. Many sensations were taking over her body and she feared them. And she was not cold anymore, let’s underline this for a fact. But it was still uncomfortable, her hand bent under her body in a strange way, she had to move a little, readjust to this position. Or maybe move away from him? He seemed to be asleep back again. But when she did move, he moved as well, her now freed hand fell down on the pillow and his head rested on it. His embrace on her tightening, it felt too intimate. Too intimate for friends. She could not control it, she wriggled again, it was more like an impulse, really. Her head was placed a bit above his, his face snuggled into her neck. And when she moved she could feel his lips press against her skin there, hot and moist, he placed a kiss on her throat. She went rigid.

“Stop squirming so much, love” he mumbled against her skin and there came another tender kiss after it.

Few more seconds has passed and she confirmed he was already back deep in his sleep, still clinging into her passionately. Meanwhile her head was a mess, sleep seemed to not come as salvation.

The next day she sneaked out rather early, trying to collect herself and not think too much about passed night. She had a quite busy Sunday planned. First the art history exam, then her mother visited her in the late afternoon. She was seated at the table while her mother kept bustling around the kitchen, determined to prepare something homemade and healthy for dinner, always concerned about her daughter’s eating habits. Y/n looked at her phone as soon as she heard a new message notification. It was Gia. A message and a photo attached to it.

“What a disgrace” Gia’s message said.

Y/n squinted her eyes to see better what the picture presented. Football stadium’s stands, Kylian seated amongst some people she did not recognize and did not care to recognize, and Emma, next to him - her she recognized. She frowned questioningly. Something prickly and concerning building under her sternum.

“Wym? Is the pic even recent?” she responded back.

“It’s today’s PSG game. Heard they’re dating. She was all over him for the past year” she read her friend’s another message, her eyes glued to the three words.

Hell, that’s new. Emma was not even present on his birthday party last night. Smelled like a nasty fib. Y/n knew he had many friends, although girls were not in his tightest pack in general. It awoke some doubts in her. What was he doing? She did not respond to the text, but already spotted three moving dots under it, a sign that Gia was typing something else.

“Straighten him up, he cannot be serious with her”

Yet she had no intention to dwell into it, having a conversation about this new revelation and their last night together was the last thing on her mind, she had an intention to take the closest flight to England and focus back on her university, on her own life. Swallowing her nerves and numbing the confusion, she muted her phone, leaving it on the table and heading to her room. Silently, with no explanation for her mother despite her calls behind her. She did numb the confusion, with many other feelings on the way. 

[lynzishell]

The Past 🩵 Asher

I rush into my apartment, slamming the door behind me, and take a sharp left to get into my room before Lex can catch me. Once inside, I lock the door and remove my smelly clothes from last night as quickly as I can. I’m tempted to shower again after having to walk home in them, but I don’t have time. As it is, Iris is going to be calling in an hour to ask why I haven’t arrived yet, and I really don’t have it in me today to deal with her moods, which are even worse now that she’s very pregnant. Spencer is due to arrive in a couple weeks, and my sister ran out of patience a couple weeks ago.

“Ash?” Lex pounds on the door as I’m pulling clothes from my dresser.

“Give me two minutes, I’m just changing.” I really don’t have time to chat with her, I have to leave, but I also kinda need my best friend.

Once I’m fully clothed, I walk into the living room to find Lex standing there, waiting for me. She takes one look at my face and holds out her arms with a concerned pout, “Baaabe.” Years ago, I told her that I hate it when guys call me “babe”, that it was a total turn off. Her solution was to call me “babe” herself, that way no one else would be allowed to call me that ‘cause it’s hers; and it wouldn’t feel so icky because she’d be saying it ironically. But then it stuck and now it really is hers and there’s nothing ironic about it.

I fall into her arms and let her embrace me as only she can. Lex gives the best hugs. Sometimes she squeezes the life out of you, but on days like today, it feels like she’s holding all the broken bits of me together. If she hugs me long enough then it will heal me, but if she lets go too soon, I’ll fall to pieces, so I squeeze her back just as tight and bury my face in her shoulder.

“What happened?”

“I made a fool of myself, Lex.” As I say the words out loud, I feel a lump form in my throat and I’m grateful that my voice is muffled by the sleeve of her jacket so as not to give me away.

“What do you mean?”

“I just… I thought... I don’t know what I thought,” and then the dam breaks. My tears burst forth so quickly that I have no chance of stopping them, so I just let it happen. The sobs rack my body, making my chest hurt. I cling to her like she’s a lifebuoy in the middle of the ocean during a storm. And she stands there, solid and safe, holding me until the storm passes and I start breathing normally again. It’s over just as quickly as it started.

“I’m gonna kill him, y’know,” she says finally.

I sniffle and let out a pitiful laugh, “Please don’t.”

“Seriously? You come home in this state, and you expect me to let him live?”

I walk into the kitchen to splash my face with cold water and clean myself up. “Just because I’m sad doesn’t mean he deserves your wrath. Besides, I think I’m just extra sensitive coming down from whatever the hell you gave us last night.”

“So, this is my fault?”

“No. I’m just saying my breakdown is at least partially chemical. And maybe that explains Atlas’ mood today actually. Oh, I might’ve completely misread everything. Fuck.” I groan as I clench my stomach and lean against the counter, suddenly feeling sick with regret and embarrassment.

“Okay, hold on, what exactly happened?”

“I don’t have time to get into it. I have to run out to my parents’ house and help Iris with fucking baby furniture or something.”

“Well, let’s go then. I’ll come with you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I don’t have anything else to do today, and we’re not done talking. And I like your mom’s cooking.”

I throw my arm around her shoulders and kiss her cheek dramatically, “Thank you.” I’m grateful to have her to talk to during the two-hour drive. I would no doubt be stewing and obsessing the whole time if not. My family will be happy to see her as well. They’re always asking why she doesn’t come visit more. Of course, I know it’s because she feels like she has to go see her own family if she’s in town, and that’s the last thing she wants to do.

“Alright, calm down. Let’s go.”

Prev // Next

[rjthirsty]

Bound Forever

Gilbert/Reader Roderic/Reader

Words: 2k

CW: Major Character Death. Angst. Tragedy. Grief. Smut. Route Spoilers.

A/N: @scummy-writes did a piece on Gilbert dying called Normalcy Bias that inspired this piece. We've spoken at length about our Gil headcanons, and I admire her as a writer, so I wanted to give myself a chance to mimic the depth of emotion I read in her works. I'm honestly hoping to cause some tears with this.

Gilbert had disappeared again.

It was always terrifying when he vanished, because you knew the only reason he had for leaving without saying a word - he was unwell. Like a wounded or sick animal, Gil removed himself from the palace to find a place he could rest until either he felt better or he perished. Thankfully he had always returned, but you still hated every time he left, feeling helpless and worried sick that you might not see him again.

Walter knew before you did. He always knew when Gil left, but he wasn't allowed to say anything. That, in itself, was a giveaway on why you couldn't find your husband. Just looking at Walter these days answered the question for you since you had danced this routine enough times to know when Gil had told him to keep things from you. Today, Walter refused to make eye contact with you when you visited his office in the medical ward, pretending like he didn't see you enter. You didn't even need to ask. That was enough.

Roderic knew, though he didn't know where Gil ran off to, or even if it was the same location each time. Walter was likely the only one who truly knew where Gil was. Roderic was painfully aware whenever Gilbert disappeared, scared that his master - his friend - would never return. Since you became a part of their lives, Roderic would stay with you on those long days that Gil vanished and the two of you would hold hands and try to keep each other's minds off the possibility. Neither of you wanted to voice that possibility.

As night fell, the black castle felt darker and more hollow without Gilbert's presence. Alone in your shared room, you restlessly waited for your husband's return. Some absences would span a few days, some only a few hours. Today turned to tomorrow, and a sleepless night passed you by with still no word from him.

Another day with Roderic for company. Another attempt to keep your thoughts from spiraling to the worst case. Perhaps baking would help. Gil could return to an abundance of sweets and maybe, just maybe he'll understand how hard it is for you when he goes off like this.

Another dusk leaving you alone with your fears for company in your shared room. Another sleepless night. Another morning that looks more gray than the previous. Three days was the longest he had ever spent away. It had only been two. There was still hope he would return, though that hope was a candle in the fury of a storm right now, barely keeping lit.

“You need to sleep.” Walter scolded.

“I want to see him as soon as he comes home.” It was a silly reason to keep yourself from sleeping, but even if you attempted to rest, you'd be haunted by the thought of him dying somewhere alone. He was alone right now. Alone and sick.

“I'll wake you when he gets back.” Roderic offered.

You're tired. A short rest would be good for you, but… “I'm scared.”

The tears start falling as you hug yourself. Walter looks away, cursing Gilbert for putting you through this. Roderic watches you, unable to offer any assurances. He's scared, too.

Laying on the large bed you share with your husband, it feels so cold and empty. The sunshine doesn't touch here even with the curtains opened. Your pillow is wet from your tears. You can't seem to quell them.

“I'll be right outside,” Roderic promises.

What good would that do? You're still alone in this large room. Exhaustion weighs your eyelids down until you fall into darkness.

You wake into darkness. The large windows are filled with the night sky. The room has no candles nor lamps lit. A shadow stands near the bed, far enough that his presence is hidden but the dull, midnight light from the sky beyond the windows outlines his form. His black hair shines like obsidian and you draw in a sharp breath.

“Gil?” You whisper his name, fearful that the slightest noise would wake you from this dream and he would fade away like an apparition.

He doesn't answer. He's not really there. Again tears well in your eyes and stream down your cheeks.

“Don't cry, Little Rabbit.” He steps towards the bed, out of the shadows. “Did you miss me that much?”

His red eye gleams from the starlight. His smile is perfectly placed. Now that he's closer you can see the layers he's wearing, still in his cloak, he must have just arrived. You glance towards the door, wondering why Roderic didn't wake you. The closed door gives no answers, though it is clearly late so perhaps he went to bed.

Throwing the blankets off, you jump out of bed and run to your love. You throw your arms around him and nuzzle into his chest and the tears come faster. “Yes, I missed you that much!”

Shakily drawing in breaths between your outpouring of feelings and the sobs you try to swallow down, you continue as you cling to him. “Everytime you leave like that I don't know if I'm ever going to see you again! It's been three days! I thought the worst and I couldn't sleep and you can't keep doing this to me!”

Slowly, Gil's arms wrap and you. Gently, he rubs circles on your back to soothe you. He leans down to softly drop a warm kiss to your forehead. He has no words to comfort you. He makes no promises. He never does.

“That was the last time.”

Except, this time he does.

He's warm in your arms.

You draw back as the horrible realization hits you. Looking up into his single red eye that holds more emotions than Gil ever expressed, you take a step backwards. Shaking your head as if it would do any good to convince yourself this wasn't happening, you back up another step.

“No no no. No. Please. No!” A third step has you stumbling into the bed, falling onto it. You can't even feel your legs anymore.

The man posing as Gilbert slowly came closer. The man who hadn't woke you on your husband's return, because he had never returned. Roderic delicately cups your jaw. Warm hands. He wipes your tears, even as new ones fall. Warm fingers. He speaks in such a sweet voice. A voice you love. “It's alright, Little Rabbit. You won't have to miss me ever again.”

Grief so deep you never thought possible drowns your heart and sobs wrack you. Warm lips kiss your eyes as your pain pours out.

Somehow he was on the bed next to you and you fall against his shoulder. Warm arms hold you close.

He murmurs words of affection and hushes soothing encouragement. And when your sobs finally die down to hiccups and gasps and shuddering breaths, you find a handkerchief already in hand to help clean your face. He guides you through the movements you are too numb to manage on your own.

His lips touch the corner of your mouth. Dazed, you turn towards him and your husband's face looks so forlorn. Fingers touch below your chin, lifting it for lips once again to touch yours. So soft. A slow blink from you and you find your voice.

“Roderic–”

“Gil.” He corrects, and the offer is so tempting.

You knew this was always the plan. You hoped it would be a long time from now, and you had pushed it from your mind. But the time has come and now… it would be so easy to close your eyes and pretend it was all a bad dream.

“Gil.” You repeat, your eyelids falling close.

“That's right, Little Rabbit.”

It's his voice that gusts across your lips. 

A nibble on your bottom lip and a longing sigh rises from your throat. It's his teeth that catches you, so familiar in pain and pleasure.

His tongue touches yours and you can almost believe that he's still there with you. Your mouths move together, chasing the memory of the man you love through clumsy movements that aren't quite right.

It hurts so much. Your chest aches and head throbs and you just want to forget. 

Fingers find clasps, and pull ties, and brush clothing from both of your bodies. Were they yours or his? Does it matter?

Teeth sink into flesh and tongue soothes the pain and your body responds to the training you've endured to appreciate the way his love feels on you. Marks blossom on your skin from his mouth that burns too hot.

Your eyes burn, tears forming between eyelids squeezed tight.

Your chest burns, bleeding out from the inside.

Your groin burns, desire whispering sweetly that if you just let go it'll be alright.

Think of him.

Think of him.

It hurts so, so much.

Your fingers tangle in his hair. His fingers push inside of you. You cry out his name as he rubs along your inner walls, exploring you for the first time, finding the places that cause you to buck into his hand and whimper and moan.

He learns quickly. He has always known.

New overlaps with old as your husband touches on memories from times before. Building that sweet ache in the pit of your belly. Causing your cunt to throb and drip making lewd sounds that your lusty moans overshadow.

You're on your back and he's over you. When did you lie down? He pulls his fingers out of you and you whimper in frustration. You were so close to covering the hurt in your heart with the pleasure of climax and he snatched it away.

He's gone.

A single sob breaks between your gasping breaths. Tears brim again between your closed eyelids. They fall hot, so hot down the sides of your face. You're empty. Alone.

His cock touches your wet folds and you crack your eyes to see your lover with damp lashes. He looks away and buries his face in your neck as he buries his cock inside of you. Your back arches and thighs cling to his hips, as he clings to you with strong arms and roaming hands.

He pumps into you and you can't help but rock with him to squeeze and drag and churn his dick inside of you. Fingers digging into his back. Nails biting skin. He gasps and whimpers and moans near your ear. You love to hear him. His teeth dig into you. It hurts so good.

You're not alone. Your voice grows louder. He's relentless. Pounding your sex and knocking every moan out of you. Biting you again, and again, and again. Your cunt clenching tight as the pressure in your pelvis reaches a tipping point.

His thrusts turn too eager. His rhythm lopes out of pace. But you're so, so close! Please! Just– “Ah! Gil!” His hot hands grip your hips and he slams into you finding his rhythm again and he moans and heat and orgasm and shivers and spasms snap through you.

Your thoughts go blank, flooded with relief from the throbbing from before. Euphoria washes over you, wave after wave as your cunt continues to clench sending another crashing over you, then another. Gil slowed down his pumping to ride out the squeezing milking his cock. And just as you finally thought you were coming to the end of your climax, Gil thrusts deeper, his pelvis flush against yours, trying to push further still as he spills his seed into you.

You gasp. He breathes heavily on top of you. You hold him pressed against you– too hot. So hot. He's stifling. He clings to you. He needs you to smother his own pain. Pain you understand because the both of you share it. Pain neither of you can ever talk about.

He's gone. The two of you are together but his absence in this room you share with your husband is felt, as if there was a void that could never be filled. You hold each other, your hearts bleeding for the same person. Silent tears will be shed and it hurts. So. So. Much.

[xrafstar]

thank you for not doing some hayes code shit and killing insul at the end. i was bracing myself for it but was so relieved when it didnt happen. you're a real one for depicting fucked up overgrown little boys having the horrid happy ending they deserve ✖️💚🪼

thank you so much, that's why I wrote it 💜 among a few other reasons. any ending can be good when done well but I hate when people want to play with the rejects when they're not a reject and throw away the most compelling character like a toy when they're done... I'm glad you could feel it, the stories that live in the muscles!!

[klanced]

Hey Katie! What are ur fav and least favourite bits of law school? Also which of the vld gang do u think would become lawyers, I could see allura, lance and maybe shiro

Hope u have a good day!!!! no pressure to answer this if u don't feel like it <33333

you're a sweetheart anon. i'm always happen to (slowly) answer questions about law school, especially people who are considering applying :)

Favorite parts of law school:

I'm going to be real with you guys, I am a dork-ass nerd who enjoys spending hours studying and reading so law school is like heaven for me lol

I just really enjoy being a law student. I like that I'm tangibly working towards my lifelong goal of becoming a lawyer. I like that the material I'm learning is really challenging, because I enjoy the challenge and putting in the effort to really learn and understand something.

This is less law school-specific, but I really love living as an independent adult in the city, with all the perks that come with being a graduate student. Between my social life and academic life, this is the most functional I have ever been lmao

Least favorite parts:

The networking events. God. Both the professional networking events and the law school body events. I hate being a person who is perceived and I also hate drinking around strangers. Fortunately I don't have to go to that many mixers because those events are more for big law/corporate law people, whereas I'm in public interest. But sometimes I force myself to go because it is a really good idea to meet other established lawyers in my field, especially as I start thinking about post-grad jobs. it always sucks though. I met the highest-ranked judges in my state the other day, which was cool

Job-Hunting. It feels like I am always job-hunting. I am applying right now for internships for NEXT SUMMER. I have sent out so many cover letters. I have scheduled so many interviews. Fortunately I've discovered that I actually like interviews and I'm apparently insanely great at them, I think law school has turned me into a sociopath.

I am so stressed all the time omfg. The worst part is that a lot of this stress is my own damn fault (I do way too many things lmfao) but I have SO MANY white hairs now whyyyyyyyyyyy :sobs: :sobs: (narrator voice: she did this to herself)

--

Re: the Voltron cast. Allura is definitely the most clear-cut choice for who would become a lawyer. I can see Lance and Shiro leaning towards careers in law as well, but I have no idea what kind of law they would practice lol. I also think Veronica and Nadia would make great lawyers. And my final dark horse nomination: I can see Shay practicing environmental law.

[angellurgy2]

stress has been fucking eating away at me so bad the more alone ive been getting my heart hurts my head hurts all i can think about is desperation and my memorys getting worse so i forget more people and more things and it makes everything worse which makes me more stressed which makes me forget more i feel like im fucking dying like. everyone left me to be a ghost and now im not only faded from their lives and memories but im fading from my own as well and i wanna stop hurting but i cant i cant wait til benzos get here so i can erase myself a bit and maybe get out of this but every second hurts n i hate knowing no one sees or cares and i cant get over how badly i want a better life enough to stop the stress and desperation and pain and everything :' )

[werebutch]

whats with the whole slew of hateful ass posts in regards to being trans? its weird to see you talk about how dysphoric you are, and then put down other people because you say more of a man than them, or you're more butch, or masc, or you experience dysphoria and they dont. youve really been edging more towards "you need to present a certain way if you want to be a [insert label here] (i.e. a man/butch/etc)" or "you need dysphoria to be trans" and its just a bit disheartening to see

I grew up a little and realized that it doesn’t make any sense for someone to be trans and not put any effort into it besides changing their name and pronouns and maybe wearing button up shirts I’m sorry but I feel like that’s a pretty normal opinion. 14 yo me would hate me for saying the stuff you mentioned but once i got out of highschool and out of my theater kid friend group I kinda changed my way of thinking a little. LMAO

As for specifically me saying I’m more masc than whoever is kinda ummm well I don’t know about you but where I live it’s pretty much all no-transition trans dudes who like hazbin hotel. I’m being serious here. To be honest it makes me sick to be associated with some types of transmascs and even if you disagree I think you know who I’m talking about. Obsessed with only using the word ‘boy’ to describe themself, boypussy jokes, hot for chasers to tell them they’re women, afraid of or disgusted by most of the effects of testosterone, etc…. Why even bother calling yourself a dude. I mean does this not make sense ? Feel like these kinds of transmascs also always hide under being afab when presented with evidence of their own transmisogyny or even just misogyny. Guys no, I’m really a woman!!! Type stuff 🤦

I know hating on other trans people does zero good but this is my blog where I post my personal thoughts LOL. I get along with the people mentioned above just fine in real life and I really actually don’t care that much. We’re all oppressed and whatever. But I give myself the chance to be a little bit chronically online on here LMFAO

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Hey! Could you do a vampire marquis one shot where he meets the reader that looks like the love of his life from a past life but passed away from old age. Now he’s determined to make the reader a vampire so he doesn’t lose them again. Could be cute, could be angst, could be yandere, your choice!

I'm gonna do this in more than one part, not sure how long it'll be but here we go.

PART ONE: When your friends don't know best

"that rich guy is staring at you." Your friend Annie told you as she glanced his way, and then back at you.

You quickly looked in the direction she had sent her eyes and you instantly met an intense stare from one of the most beautiful men you'd ever seen. Snapping your eyes away, you blushed when you saw Annie's huge smile. Feeling as tho you'd been caught doing something, you should not, you didn't allow yourself to look back at the gorgeous man. "How do you know he's rich?" You asked her. You didn't really go out often, and never to an exclusive club like this, so you were in over your head. You'd never been afraid to ask questions though, so you patiently waited while your friend, danced in a circle to get a sneaky peak at him once more.

"ok first thing you look at is the watch. He has an extremely expensive one on. You need to learn high end watches. Next you check his shoes which are obviously high end, and then look at the fit of his suit. His suit fits so well, on his unusually tall frame, that there's no way that's not a custom tailored suit. Add to that he's at the most expensive, nicest table with the best view in VIP, and he has his own security with him. The head host was sucking up to him earlier, and if all that isn't evidence enough for you, the man screams money and power. He's probably some blue blood or has some archaic title."

You nodded in agreement with all her observations. "Well that's too bad. He's so gorgeous, I might have danced with him if he asked me to." You shared as you shrugged your shoulders.

Annie's eyebrows rose in surprise. "What am I missing?" She asked, still looking lost.

"he is tall, gorgeous and wealthy. There's no way that he's not full of himself, and likely doesn't know how to treat little peasants like myself. He's probably unbearably conceited and is from such a different world than me, we'd likely struggle to understand each other. Plus if he isn't an absolute man whore, then his other half is most definitely a super model or heiress. I'm an American girl spending her summer in France, staying at the home of our exchange student who lives on a farm I might add." You laughed as you grabbed her hands and began to dance together.

"you could be a supermodel if you weren't such a bookworm." Annie confidently stated like it was a fact.

"I hate taking pictures and modeling seems like it'd be torture. Getting all made up for a few pictures that they pose you in various ways, before stripping everything away and starting over and over and over. Hurry up and wait, and then some weirdo tries to fuck me at every turn. No thank you." You shouted to your friend over the music.

It was so loud that even though you were in close proximity to her, you had to shout as loud as possible.

"not a man whore and don't have another half."

Eyes going wide, you whipped your head around and found none other than the gorgeous man, standing right in front of you. Unable to think of what to say, you turned to Annie with a look of horror on your face.

Seeing you were about to have a panic attack, Annie took it upon herself to introduce herself and you too. The man politely introduced himself as the Marquis de Gramont, and you nodded along dumbly as though you knew what the hell that meant.

At first you had decided that he was trying to get with Annie, since they talked so easily and Annie was beautiful and magnetic. She had grown up wealthy, so they'd likely have stuff in common too. Resigned to the fact, he wasnt interested in you, you felt more comfortable and were able to dance and have fun. When you and Annie went to the bathroom tho, she told you he was obviously into you.

You didn't think it was that obvious.

As the night wore on, you had this foreboding feeling you couldn't shake. Maybe you just were socially awkward. Never had anyone paid such close attention to you. He hung on your every word, and stared at you with such intensity, that it would have been terrifying if he wasn't so gorgeous. Even when you had needed to use the restroom, he'd escorted you there, and waited on you to be done. Even though the club was packed with people, he somehow was able to create a bubble around yourselves, that no one dared enter.

When you decided it was time to go, he had insisted that you let him drop you off at your friend's hotel. After a bit of back and forth, you gave in and followed him outside, where a two toned black and white Rolls Royce was waiting.

Slipping inside you were awe struck by the luxurious vehicle and failed to notice the Marquis soaking up your innocent wonder painted across your face, as you explored the vehicle.

Too soon you arrived at Annie's hotel, and the Marquis walked you up to her room. Taking your hand in his, he brought his lips to your hand lightly and asked if he could see you again. You agreed to see him again, not believing you actually would, but it was fun letting yourself believe this perfect guy liked you as much as he seemed to.

When you closed the door behind you, Annie screeched in excitement and swore that you'd met your very own prince charming. As she planned out your life together, you fell asleep when she's been trying to decide what your future twins names would be, and whether they'd enjoy horses as much as their older brother.

You woke the next morning to a knock at the door. Crawling from the bed, you figured it was housekeeping and wanted to tell them to skip this room today. Swinging the door open, you just stared at the enormous bouquet of long stem red roses like you expected them to speak.

"Delivery for you mademoiselle. Where would you like them?" The delivery man asked you from behind the enormous bouquet.

Directing him to place them on the bar, he placed an envelope in your hand , and was gone before you could even find your purse to tip him.

Although you were flattered, something just didn't sit right with you about him. You had been taught that anything too good to be true, was.

"who was that?" Your tired friend asked as she stumbled on the living area. "Oh my God! Are these from him? You fu king whore!"

She spotted the letter in your hand and demanded you read it to her as she made you both some coffee.

"to the most beautiful girl in the world, now before you think I am crazy, understand that I realize this is moving quite fast however, I am throwing a charity function for a children's charity that I run that is near and dear to my heart this evening at my estate and I would be honored if you and your lovely friend would join me. I understand that this is short notice, and so I have a driver downstairs waiting for you in the black and white Bentley that will take you to any fashion house in Paris to choose something to wear this evening. My treat for both of you. And don't you dare forget purses shoes and some jewelry. The media will likely be there, so a lot of these photos will be published and I want you girls looking your best. Also I've never invited any women to anything for many years so everyone is going to be very interested just to warn you. I hope that you are free this evening and would like to see me again as much as I would love to see you." You read. Looking up at your friend, you could see she was about to explode with excitement.

You really didn't want to see the Marquis again. Something about him just didn't sit right. while it had been flattering at first that a rich, powerful, attractive man seemed to be enthralled by you, you just couldn't get past the feeling in your gut.

Noticing you're lack of response or enthusiasm, your friend put her hands on her hips, and commanded "you are going in that bedroom and you are getting some clothes on and we are going shopping. I don't care what kind of craziness you've gotten in your head but this man is beautiful, powerful, rich, and even cares about children or something. I will not allow you to mess this up young lady!"

You rolled your eyes, and sighed dramatically, but listened to your bossy friend. When she walked in the room to get dressed as well, you informed her that if you two got kidnapped and sold into slavery, she was doing all the work.

If only you'd known how close to the truth that soon would be.

[proshipconfessions]

I fucking hate antis. I used to be one, and I am still SURROUNDED by all this “liking fictional CSA means you’re icky and one of the bad victims and YOU WILL DO IT IRL!!!!” Bullshit.

People I admire and look up to end up saying it. My “friends” end up saying it. It’s everywhere. I often feel like I can’t trust anyone, not even my close friends who have already told me they don’t care what I’m into.

it’s terrifying. ive seen what antis have done to us, I’ve seen how easy it is for people like me to be exposed. I’ve seen how people will see you as nothing but the filth that soils everybody’s shoes; or the sick, drooling predators just waiting to strike. I’ve seen how people are isolated, abandoned, and even driven to kill themselves because Society just doesn’t fucking like freaks. And everybody on this app says that “most people are proship!!! It’s the normal opinion!! We’re the normal ones!!! ”

I CAN NEVER BELIEVE IT. where the fuck do you live??? People abhor my gayness. People abhor my true gender identity. People abhor the way I carry myself as an autistic person. PEOPLE HATE, SO FUCKING MUCH, and they hate what they think is weird. People don’t even get that Lolita isn’t endorsing what the main character does. if it’s so normal, then why is it so much MORE normal for people to react to the concept of lolicon with “oh, they must be nasty hairy pedophiles living in their mothers basements with tons of CP. it should be illegal!”? if it’s so normal, why is it more normal for self-righteous video essay YouTubers to treat “booktok girlies” like crass, pitiful zoo animals for liking taboo shit in their spice novels? Why do they always come to the conclusion that they’re all stupid old cunts who could never tell the difference between fictional abuse and real abuse?

if it’s so normal, then why is it more normal for people to make this fake binary of “proper, real sexual violence fiction” and “filthy, romanticizing sexual violence fiction?”

People in general Might understand you if you just say you make art about dark subjects. They might be “normal” about that.

But I know full and well that it would be a different story if I bring up fictional incest or CSA. It would be an especially different story if I mentioned that its not to cope with trauma, just to get off on.

…I probably have trust issues, and I have antis to thank for that. It’s getting so common in the media. I’m so sick of people telling me it’s commonly accepted. It is NOT. What I write is gross, triggering to most and seen as immoral to SO many people. Even people I love.

I make new friends, but I don’t let them get close. I’m always terrified/constantly thinking about them discovering that I’m a freak and leaving me— or worse, outing me to others. it’s actually why I’m too scared to start posting like I used to on tumblr. I know what I am. I don’t try to delude myself into thinking I’m “normal.” I am not, and maybe that’s okay.

I hate antis for what they’ve shaped me into. How their rhetoric that I clung to in fear for so long had shaped me into an uncaring, virtue-signaling asshole. I hate them for how I crumbled when I discovered I had become the very thing that my friends and role models swear to destroy. I hate their logic for getting into almost every fucking crevice of the internet and even my peers’ beliefs. This stuff ruined my mental state.

———