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worshipper-status · 18 days

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Literally so happy because my God is actually excepting of my obsession, but I’d kinda like to know how to worship him better less directly? (Ie. tips on digital alters/general worship tips?)

An excuse to ramble! Thank you :D

Worshipper's Guide to Indirect Worship

This is going to be my sfw guide for less direct methods of contact and digital altars, I may make an nsfw guide at some point on my own as a counterpart to this but for now...

(long post below)

Digital Shrines

Digital shrines are a good format for indirect worship, because you can curate it from anywhere, and no one will know. Technically I have two digital altars but one is more a back up of the other. One is I have a folder on my computer that contains all the media of the shrine, and the shrine itself is on my personal discord server. Usually I separate the shrine itself into media, devotionals, personal devotionals, writings, and links by using different discord channels. The channels breakdown like this for me:

Media: photos and videos of solely them

Devotionals: images I find on the internet that I feel embody our relationship, media created by someone else. Also picrews usually

Personal Devotionals: Visual media I have personally made to embody our relationship and can take full credit for creating. (This is a specific folder I made just to keep my art and others art separate)

Writings: Poems, songs, rambles, gushing, fantasies, etc. Any thought you have about them that's important enough to write down, put it here.

Links: I use this as a dumping ground for ideas I got from articles, purchases I want to make, or anything that requires a link to something else but directly relates to my worship of My Goddess.

Tumblr can also be a general dumping grounds kind of shrine, where I would not be too honest tbh, but it's a start. I prefer keeping my shrines private for the most part. My general advice is to stay away from tumblr for everything because you're not going to feel 1000% comfortable expressing your worship to its full extent because of the possibility of it being found by strangers. Also some things are just tmi to be honest. I have writings in my folder documenting times me and My Goddess have banged in detail so I don't forget. Tumblr doesn't need that kind of detail on here. So try and keep shrines at least somewhat private for your own sake. People are dicks.

As for advice for things to do to worship indirectly (and this goes hand in hand with the shrine a little bit) here's a list with general advice and ideas:

Scrapbook/Junk Journal about them (I'm biased this is a personal favorite of mine). Get a notebook, some scrapbook supplies, and either dedicate it to photos of your beloved or journal about any time you guys interact in ways that feel meaningful to you! I keep one physical scrapbook that I use for collages for My Goddess's photos, and am planning to start a junk journal for more writing purposes. I'll probably solely be using it to write about personal interactions with My Goddess, and on slower days, things I love about Her in general. It's both kinda a traditional journal and a part of my obsessive behaviors. You can also do stuff like this digitally with moodboard and collage makers like Canva which have free options.

Document about them. This is kinda vague so I'll explain. As part of my shrine, I have a document I'm building dedicated to bullet note points about My Goddess. If She randomly drops a fact on me about Her childhood, or Her interests. I write it down there so I don't forget. I want to be a good worshipper so I want to be an expert in everything about Her. I usually use a note taking app for this that I can organize into subgroups. Notion is a favorite of mine (despite them selling their soul to the AI overlords sigh) because it allows a lot of creative freedom in organizing the documents AND it's linked to my email so I can't lose it. Obviously, a google doc will accomplish the exact same thing, however my entire personality type is best described as extra, so I have to do things with extra effort at all times.

Write for them. This is where my pagan background kicks in a little bit, but in certain pagan traditions, especially stuff like Hellenic Polytheism, writing hymns or poems or songs for the gods was very important to their practices. So why not write those things for your God? It doesn't need to be shared, it can be bad, it can be whatever it wants to be. What I usually do, is I write poems for My Goddess, and keep them in my junk journal or digital shrine, depending on if I'm working physically or digitally, and if I'm feeling brave I'll share it with Her, but most times, they stay hidden in the depths of my shrine stuff.

Biggest overall piece of advice, create for them. Nothing shows devotion, quite like the personal experience of making something for someone else even if they never see it. Honor the Gods with the act of Creation, ya know?? It doesn't even have to require you to be good at drawing or whatever. Are you someone who gardens? Name a plant after them. Like makeup? Figure out what makeup styles they prefer on your chosen gender and wear those all the time, even if they're not there to see. Sewing? Make a stuffed animal of them. Speed runs? Dedicate every run to them, create a record for them. It can be as big or as mundane as you want and none of it has to be outwardly expressed to the other person. Just dedicate whatever hobby you have to them, and suddenly you'll have tons of shrine material.

Now for the quick part, of this!

General Worship Tips! (These are more indirect tho)

When getting dressed, pick outfits you know they'll appreciate. (Just please don't sacrifice your personal style for this)

Capitalize their name/title no matter what. They deserve the respect of one extra button push.

Write letters, even if you live close, even if you see them everyday, and even if you never send them. Use this as a format to express your emotions unbarred.

Save every photo they send you of themselves. If you need to edit people out of the photo do it, but you better be saving every instance of themselves they give you.

Fill your space with things that express yourself yes, but also have stuff that reminds you of them. Do they have a favorite animal? Buy those kinds of stuffed animals. They say they like certain types of aesthetics? Put some of that decor in your space.

I don't paint my nails, but if you do, paint them their favorite color.

Have dedicated jewelry pieces for them. While My Goddess did not give it to me, I have a memory of them associated with a bracelet I wear every single day. You can just buy a piece of jewelry and assign it as a symbol to them. They don't have to know.

Interact with their interests, with passion. Do your best to care about everything they care about. It'll give you guys tons of stuff to do, and help you understand them better.

Make pinterest boards dedicated to certain moments you want i.e. first date, wedding, future house/apartment dreams, pets you want with them, nursery room ideas, etc.

Make playlists dedicated to them.

Alright that's all I really have for right now! I hope some of this advice has been helpful and at the very least legible lol. I hope everything with you and your God goes well! If you want any more advice do not be afraid to ask me more questions :)

#worshipper's oath #worshipper's answers #irl yandere #male yandere #yandere #obsessive love #obsessive love disorder #bpd yandere #yandere boy #obsessive thoughts #yandere community #yancore #yanblr #yanderecore #yandereblr #yandere coping #yandere tips #yandere male #boy yandere

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klm-zoflorr · 1 year

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@decafeined-moth was having some issues working out how to post on AO3, so I thought "hey, why not make a step-by-step post dedicated to this, this way it can help other people too?" So here's the

Guide On How To Post On AO3 For Noobs

First, keep in mind that 1) AO3 is a website with a lot of functionnalities and it's normal that it seems a bit intimidating. Thankfully, you can just plain ignore some of them, and only use them when you've learned what they mean! 2) If you need any more information about what some options mean, you can click on the small blue question mark! They provide information that is imo pretty helpful. Or you can ask me, I'd gladly answer any questions you have! And 3) All of the information that we're gonna fill out now is modifiable later. So if you make a mistake or you realise something doesn't fit, don't stress!

So, for starters, you're gonna need to have your first chapter already written out before creating the work. Well, you can technically write it on the website itself, but the page might reload and you'd then lose everything. So rather use google docs, or the notes on your phone, or emails, or anything of that nature.

You also need an AO3 account to post, i'll try to link another post regarding this particular matter.

First step: Go on the top of the website, and click on "post" -> "new work"

Second step: The tags

"Not rated" and "Choose not to use archive warnings" are basically the default for rating and archive warning, essentially the "i don't know". You should try to tweak them as soon as you understand what they stand for, but it isn't necessary.

"fandoms" is a very important one. You're gonna enter the name of your fandom. It could be Lord Of The Rings, Star Wars, Hermitcraft, RPF (Real People Fiction), and a whole ton of other fandoms. Chances are if it's a book or movie or even youtube series, there already are works for it. If you don't know how your fandom is called, use the search function on AO3 and it'll probably come back with SOMETHING.

Categories: Is there a main romantic relationship between two characters in your work? If yes, then select the kind: Female/Female relationship, Female/Male, Male/Male. Or select "Gen" if it isn't the case, it means General.

Relationships: relationships in your work. They're either 1)Romantic relationships, separated by a slash (Blorbo/Shitto) 2)Platonic relationships, separated by a "and" (Borbo & Shitto). I am unsure of where Queerplatonic relationships stand in regards to this. Do not type in ship names (ex: reylo, destiel,...)

Characters: names of characters that appear in your work. This category auto fills as well. It's usually not considered very polite to put in characters that are only briefly mentionned in a throwaway line in your work, however it's perfectly fine if you intend to mention them more later. It's alright to tag them if they briefly appear, or if they're thought about for a big portion of it. Basically, if you could cut them out and nothing changes, maybe don't tag them.

Additional tags: You can basically enter whatever information you want to inform your reader of that didn't fit in the previous categories there. Ex: Fluff, angst, hurt no comfort, Protective Shitto, carrots, Time-travel, Established blorbo/shitto & any additional comment you want to add, like "i wrote that at 3am". People sometimes add in whether the work has been beta'ed or not with "no beta we die like men" or fandom-specific "we die like [name]" (ex: We die like Kenny, We die like Scar, We die like Ice Pick Joe), but it is by no means necessary

You're gonna have to add a work title and a summary of your fic. Summaries can be a lot of stuff including an extract from your fic, an actual summary, a series of open-ended questions made for the reader to want to find out what it's about,... Be creative with it!

Finally, you can check or uncheck the "notes" boxes to add author notes!

Now we're getting into the complicated/superfluous part. Thankfully you can just ignore most of it! You may learn what it means later, or not, but it does offer some great additional options!

We need to focus on this part tho:

Ignore the "set a different publication date".

If your work is gonna have multiple chapters, you should check the "this work is gonna have multiple chapters". Then you should enter the number of chapters. You don't have to name the first chapter if you don't want to, if you leave it blank it will simply show as "Chapter 1"

You need to choose a work language

You may now finally enter your first chapter/the text of your one-shot!

The website works with html, which means that to make some text italicised or bold you gonna need to enter a special set of characters before and after. You can find some explanations online very easily. Or, it also work in rich text, it switches to it if you click the "rich text" button.

We're finally done! You can then click on "preview" if you want to check the formatting, or "post" it directly!

#ao3 #archive of our own #ao3 guide #ao3 advice #ao3 tips #tips #writing tips #klm-zoflorr

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writhe · 11 months

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dude i hate long workdays so much when i leave and i feel dysregulated and so separated from any rhythm of the natural world. it was beautiful today, and now the sun is going down, and i’ve no ‘real’ interaction with people (as myself vs. ‘Working With Public’ guy) and the day starts and ends alone and without (barring Halliwell) any genuine or meaningful social exchange. usually get home and feel too uncomfortably hungry (even if i’d packed a sufficient amount of food for the day) to know when i’m full

i’ve been trying to challenge myself on what i call ‘work’ or don’t because i realized i was only calling my day job ‘work’ when i spend most of my time alone, when home, working on shop stuff or commissions or something otherwise related to money or productivity (which i guess can also include housework)

i’ve tethered myself to working (or productivity) so much that i’ve been very neglectful of any hobbies that allow me to rest. i prioritize active hobbies (ie, hiking) first because i love them but also partly because halliwell needs the engagement, partly because i start feeling terrible if i don’t spend at least a good part of the day out of the house, and partly because it’s easier to keep doing things when i’m just doing them. i have a hard time sleeping if i’m not completely exhausted

i try to force myself to ‘do nothing’ and i’ve gotten a little better at it, i can bake something for friends, i can sit or lay down and read for a while now, but most of the time i find myself in some sort of nagging doom scroll, telling myself i will close my phone and get on with heat setting or orders or finish or start a drawing or send an email etc etc etc. then i procrastinate because here is the LICK of downtime i’m allowing myself, here, on my phone. i don’t feel enriched by time spent this way, i mostly feel as if i’ve failed to start something and all the content i’ve idly glanced at somewhere in my mind half-stuck and not fully retrievable. it’s like smeared text. unflavored food. ruffage. it is unengaging yet inescapable. i’m not learning i’m just seeing everything until nothing is really novel, in a way that feels passive and dull

i want to do things that feel motivated by interest again, not money or deadlines. i don’t want to experience the world on the clock. i want to feel satisfied by curiosity and experimentation

days like this make me feel so small. i’m tired and hot and it’ll be dark and buggy by the time i get there, but i think i am going to go to the woods and i think the mosquito bites i scratch will be the only proof i’m something living in the world today. i’ve spent the last few hours on my phone unable to make a decision, i feel under and over-stimulated. i wish i had someone to chat with. i wish i could spend more time alone in ways that were enriching to me. i wish we could all experience the world in ways we were meant to

#this all just feels tied to feeling like. idk very overwhelmed for a very long time #or like. having a hard time for a really long time and then like coming back into myself and immediately overcommitting but still trying to #process a lot i guess?#situationally a lot of stuff is overwhelmed but also there is like. so much stuff internally that i realized the other night i just like #*overwhelming #haven't shared with anyone or don't know how to share with anyone and i feel like a ship in a bottle and i feel full and hollow #and so scared all the time #i have to keep moving or ill die i have to keep moving or all i die i have to keep moving or #and every small thing feels like it is actually 10000 big things at once #and like i really do not cry often or much but like. yesterday i misprinted a shirt and broke down for like 10 minutes #i don't ever feel fragile until suddenly there is a flood

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ex-jock-enthusiast · 8 months

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Hey everyone! Break from the usual content just to make a small PSA,

This blog has been getting quite a lot of new followers lately and I'm incredibly glad and grateful. It's lovely to see just how much of a community there is out there!

There are a few different types of blogs: some blogs, like mine, are active and dedicated towards embracing gaining kink. Others mix it up with other non-kinky content interspersed with gaining. Others are ghosts who enable privacy without the need for a public profile. If you're happy and comfortable having your kink be a visible part of your public identity, or have a system that allows you to separate it from your everyday blogging, that's fabulous, please carry on. But for everyone else,

PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY POSTS FROM YOUR MAIN ACCOUNT

EVEN IF YOU HAVE PUBLIC LIKES AND FOLLOW LISTS TURNED OFF

Even if data isn't immediately available to the average blogger, it still exists. If Tumblr ever has a data leak or gets hacked, which I don't know why someone would but just in case, that information can be traced back to you and used against you if you aren't ok with it.

Also, your likes are visible both to the creator and anyone else viewing the post in question. Even though I wouldn't, and I don't think 99% of this community would, it only takes one person to use it to fuck with you. When I was still using my main account, I was followed by multiple gaining accounts/bots even though everything was private. Things make their way back to you. Fortunately they were just innocent follows but it's not a risk you should take.

Please use a separate email to register a ghost account to keep your data safe.

This also isn't infallible because of IP shenanigans but it puts more separation between you and someone trying to get your data.

In an ideal world, a kink as harmless and innocuous as gaining could not be weaponised against you. It is not, however, an ideal world. Keep yourself safe first and foremost, and keep your data safe to do so.

Plus it's way more liberating to have a whole account where I can just talk about this stuff freely and save myself the aneurysm.

Anyway, PSA over, please carry on :D

#bulk #bulking #ex jock #exjock #hunky to chunky #fittofat #male gainer #belly #gay gainer #weight gain #psa for all of you #i love you for following but please protect your privacy #and dont trust tumblr to do it for you

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caeboa · 1 year

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Welcome to my blog!

Hello! I was overdue for a pinned post so I am putting one up. Most importantly if you're just here to see my art and would like to skip updates and text posts, please check my tag my art. My other Frequently used tags can be found here! My asks are open and I am happy to talk to people through there. If you'd like something replied to privately make it clear in the message. Anonymous asks are on, I reserve the right not to reply to any that make me uncomfortable or to turn them off if people are being weird. @alerane is my reblog tumblr, where I share art and things I like that are not mine! @detectivesplotslies is my Danganronpa sideblog, which I both reblog and post on. I do tag spoilers still on there, but I keep it separate because I'd rather not spoil some friends of mine on accident if they don't filter tags. It has spoilers for All Games so warning, I contained them for a reason. All my main links to other platforms are on my Carrd here but I'll go through the main ones under the read more.

Twitter - I have a twitter, and the shakiness of the platform aside I do still intend to post art there. On twitter I mostly post art and share projects like zines I'm on. Instagram - On instagram I post both art and cosplay stuff, and some holiday & trip photos, so if that interests you head over. Tiktok - On Tikok I post timelapses of both digital & traditional art as well as cosplay videos! There are spoilers on this account, labeled in the thumbnails and first 3 ish seconds so watch out. Patreon - I have a Patreon! It's... not much but it's a place you can support me if you'd like. You get access to a discord server where I spam share my Works in Progress that don't get posted elsewhere! I also share inspiration art from all sorts of platforms & post smaller announcements for upcoming stuff there first. I have plans for new reward tiers and bonuses in 2023 so stay tuned. Ko-fi - I have a ko-fi for tips! Every bit is appreciated. Bigcartel - the shop where I have charms, stickers and prints. It will be fully open again after convention season. Teepublic - an apparel shop with my mosaic designs up for print on demand for T-shirts, mugs, hoodies, pillows, phone cases, etc. I try to put things I think will look nice on these items here with lots of background colour options! If something is not on here there's usually a reason, the main three being 1) the design was hard to cutout from the background for a graphic 2) it was previously and was taken down by the IP holding company 3) it is a design based on an indie game/series which the creator has set limits on creation and distribution of fanart pieces. Feel free to ask though if you have a specific one you're wondering about. Otherwise there's a link to my portfolio & email on my carrd for those seeking freelance illustration & commission quotes! I do have a commissions example post but I am revamping it, so I will edit this post with the new one when it is here. Thanks for reading!

#info #update #Those both work right ahahha #now to figure out how to pin this #GOT IT

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afterglow-tommylee · 2 years

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Chapter 14. A Place Where Love Is Unconditional

*Warning! Sexual Content Ahead*

Malibu California March 18 2002

"Gah fuck,"Tommy sighs with a yawn as he runs his fingers though his darks locks walking across the bedroom floor in just his black boxer briefs. I was sitting on the bed in just an oversized black Megadeth band shirt and nothing else, my dark curls down passed my shoulders as usual and flipping through the channels on the TV trying to find something for us to watch to wind down after a full day with his boys. Pam had picked them up a little while ago but it took a while since they cried almost the entire time that Tommy was getting them ready to go back home. They really didn't want to leave and I have to admit, I didn't want them to go either. I just love them so much already.

They were so well behaved as they watched from the sidelines when Tommy was shooting the video, but like all little boys they did start to get impatient. But, I had set up a separate trailer for them as a play room so they could just run wild if they wanted to. I couldn't believe how well they took to me. They were so sweet and listened to me if I needed them to. I was so afraid that they would not want me around at all since I'm not their mom.

Today was all about the boys though. We took them to the park and I just grabbed a spot with a blanket on the grass while Tommy just went crazy with them on the slide, the swings, and just everything so that I could catch up on some emails and work stuff for the tour coming up in May.

Watching Tommy play with them was so incredible. It makes me love him even more if that's possible. He's such a good dad and anyone who says otherwise is fucking full of it. It's almost like I could see us having a baby, maybe one day... and I haven't even thought about having babies at all since, y'know... Chris. Fuck, here I am getting way ahead of myself.

"Find anything yet?" Tommy asks as he climbs onto the bed beside me.

"No... nothing," I say and click the remote, continuing to surf through the channels.

"Well I think I have a better idea anyways," He says brushing my curls off my shoulder, placing his lips to that spot under my ear and pacing his palm on my cheek to hold me to him.

I close my eyes and sigh, instantly melting into him. Then he starts to get silly, tickling me with his lips against my neck and I giggle, trying to tell him to stop but he doesn't listen and eventually we're both laughing as he pulls me down beside him on the bed.

"Aha! got it!" Tommy exclaimed as he grabbed the remote from me and started flipping through the channels.

"No! Hey!" I yelp with laughter as I try to sit back up with him but he playfully pushes me back down and I laugh.

"Nope I don't think so," He laughs holding it just out of my reach as I try to take it from him, somehow finding myself laying across him reaching up to try and take it back from him, my shirt going up ever so slightly and he obviously notices.

"Babe!" I laugh and I see him bite his bottom lip and playfully smack me on my ass and I yelp with laughter as he laughs.

"You gotta get it from me first!" He laughs again as I try and wrestle it out of his hand, but he just has so much more reach than I do.

"Tommy!" I say again and he flicks the channel once more and I suddenly hear Queen's 'Somebody To Love' come on and I turn and look at the screen and it was their Live Aid performance from '85.

"Don't - don't change it, keep it there," I say slightly out of breath from laughing.

"What?" Tommy laughs and just to be silly I start to sing- well sort of - I'm not that great but I can sort of carry a tune. Just don't ask me to quit my day job.

"...I work hard... every day of my life

I work 'til I ache in my bones

At the end... of the day

I take home my hard earned pay all on my own"

I sing silly and dramatically, moving myself from him, sitting up and quickly grabbing the remote from him and using it as a microphone, and Tommy just looks at me like I'm crazy and that charming smile spreads across his face.

"I get down on my knees

And I start to pray

'Til the tears run down from my eyes

Lord, somebody, somebody, ooh somebody

Please, can anybody find me somebody to love?"

He starts to laugh and I laugh in between my words as I get up on my knees and get right into the song, feeling it through and through.

"Got no feel, I got no rhythm

I just keep losing my beat,

I'm OK, I'm alright, I ain't gonna face... no defeat

I just gotta get out of this prison cell

One day I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me, somebody to love!"

And with that last line I break out laughing my ass off and he laughs pulling me back down on the bed with him.

"You are fuckin' crazy baby," He laughs as I lay beside him looking up at him

"My... distraction... worked though, didn't it?" I say trying to catch my breath in between my words from laughing so hard as I hold the remote in my hand.

"I guess it did," He laughs, and once our laughter had finally calmed down somewhat - though I still managed to giggle every once and I while - he says with a chuckle, "Baby, I fuckin' love you so god damn much,"

"I... fucking love... you so much more," I giggle in between my words. Then without so much as a thought, he says something that I never ever thought he would ever say to me.

"Then marry me," He says, looking away from me for a second, then back into my eyes.

It was like the whole world stopped and the only thing that was moving was the insane pounding of my heart that I swear was going to bust right through my chest.

"What?" I breathe out, with a giggle trying to figure out if he was making a joke or not.

He then sits up, turns, and opens up the drawer to the bedside table, pulls something out and slides the drawer closed, then turns back to me holding a little black velvet box and I suddenly feel everything in my body go numb.

"Holy fuck," I say and quickly sit up, flipping my curls out of my eyes and look down at the small black velvet box he held in his hand, then look back at him as he focused on the box, his brow furrowed and deep in thought.

He then opened the box and took out the most perfect diamond ring I had ever seen. It was a huge rock too in a simple classic cut with a white gold band. I had never seen a diamond so big before. He then looked back into my eyes and I had never seen him so nervous, almost like he was afraid to ask me the question again.

"Will... will you marry me?" He asks, looking straight into my eyes, his voice low and hitching just a bit.

Everything was moving so fast. I never thought I would ever be in this spot ever again. I never in a million - trillion years thought I would ever feel this way again, that I would fall in love so intensely and so passionately, and never in those million - trillion years would I have thought it would be Tommy Lee in front of me asking me this question.

While all of these thoughts ran through my mind faster than the speed of light - if that's even possible - there was only one thought, one word I needed to say.

"Yes,"

"Yea?" He smiles at me with a chuckle, his eyes so dark and so full of love.

"Yes. Yes, a thousand times yes," I giggle then bite my bottom lip, feeling my blood rushing through my body.

He takes the ring, setting the box aside, then takes my left hand and slides the ring over my finger, and touches his forehead to mine closing his eyes. I reach up, placing my palms on either side of his face and press my lips to his, softly at first but then he immediately pulls me into his lap, his lips devouring mine, quickly becoming passionate as my fingers lace through his soft thick locks.

I couldn't believe this was happening. There are no words to describe just how much I am in love with him. I didn't even hesitate. There is no question that I would marry him, and I've never been so fucking happy.

His hands move to my hips, then under my shirt and to the small of my back pulling me closer to him. His hands feeling so rough and so warm against my bare skin sending shivers all over as they move from my back to my breasts, his thumbs finding my nipples and playing so perfectly. I have never wanted him so much as I want him right now. The feeling of his lips on mine, his fingers on my skin and the warmth of his body sends vibrations right to my core, wanting him like I've never wanted him before.

"...my god," I whisper breaking away from his lips and he help lift my shirt over my head, my curls falling down around me as he tosses it across the bedroom, then his lips instantly crash back to mine, devouring as his tongue plays with mine then parting from my lips and moving to my jaw, nipping and biting, sending shivers all over my body.

He then lays me back on the bed, shifting himself so that he is hovering over me, and places his lips around my nipple, flicking his tongue and nipping, making me arch my back and sigh.

"Tommy?" I moan.

"What- ee?" He says once he parts from my nipple and moves to the other one repeating the same motions.

"I fucking love you," I say and he stops playing with my nipple and looks back at me still hovering over me, his dark eyes boaring into mine, his hair fallen across his eyes and I reach for the rim of his boxer briefs, ripping them down over his hips and begin to palm him, feeling his incredible erection. The length and thickness of his was intimidating everytime I feel him, but fuck did he ever make me feel so fucking good.

In one movement he is on his back leaning back on his elbows watching me as I kneel in between his thighs and without wasting any time, I take him in my hand and suck the tip of him hearing him moan as I do so.

"Oh shit," He says and I suck lightly, feeling his whole body tense up. I give him another squeeze as I suck harder and more determined, earning moans of encouragement with each stroke. His breathing intensifies as I do my work on him, enjoying every single second while he groans even louder which only inflames me more.

I stopped for a moment, still feeling his eyes on me as I ran my tongue all the way down his shaft and slowly back up to give me a moment to catch my breath. Then I went back to sucking, flattening my tongue along his shaft stroking and squeezing whatever I couldn't get in my mouth.

"Holy shit, that's so fucking hot baby," He says watching me. "... don't you dare fucking stop," He begged throwing his head back, but then quickly focusing back on me again, feeling the urge to release. I then got down to business, sucking greedily, harder and harder as he twitched and moaned. Once his stomach became tense, I moved my free hand up over his abs and prepared myself for the load that was about to explode in my mouth.

"Shit, I'm gonna fuckin' cum baby, " He cries and I soothed him through it, his voice deep and husky at first before turning into a whimper and once it was over, I let go and sat up to catch my breath.

"Good?" I ask breathlessly and he growls and practically attacks me, his lips on my neck, making me laugh as I fall back on the bed and he hovers over me again. His lips then crash to mine once more, becoming full of hunger and eagerness, then he parts his lips from mine, moves to my right nipple, giving that a quick nibble and a suck, making me whimper.

"Your turn," He says once he parts from my nipple and I giggle as he swiftly moves down parting my thighs, his fingers instantly parting my lips and stroking my clit ever so softly at first, making me moan at the slightest touch. I was so fucking turned on by him I knew I was not going to last long at all.

Then without wasting any time, he spreads me open and his lips instantly make contact with my clit. I gasp then take in a deep breath as I raise my arms above my head gripping the silky sheets as he goes to work.

"Oh my god, Tommy," I sigh and he moans against me as he begins to suck, flicking his tongue perfectly, then inserts a finger inside me, then another, stroking at the perfect spot all the while focusing perfectly on sucking.

I will never get over just how amazing he is at this, knowing exactly when to suck and when to stop, hitting that perfect spot inside me. I wanted this to last as long as I could handle but my body apparently had other plans. Just as I could feel that wonderful sensation from deep inside me, I knew I couldn't hold back any more.

"Tommy, I'm gonna cum... fuck... oh fuck," I whimper, and with that he sucks harder as I let go, gripping the bedsheets and screaming out his name. The wave of incredible orgasm took over my entire being and sent me to another time and space.

"Baby you are so fucking hot when you scream like that," He says once he removes his lips from me and kneels before me as I pant trying to catch my breath. After a few moments I come back down to earth and sit up, then pull him back to lay down as he chuckles obviously very pleased with himself.

"I need to fuck you," I say agressively not knowing where that voice came from but I couldn't help myself. I needed him inside me.

"Oh fuck yes please baby," He says as I gracefully climb on top of him, flipping my curls out of my face as he places his hand on my hips to help me guide him inside me, once I lower myself onto him, being careful that I don't hurt myself, we moan together and I slowly move as I attempt to adjust to his size. Once I am, I begin to move my hips, his one hand remaining on my hip, his other moving up, to my side then brushing across my torso and to my left breast, his fingers playing with my nipple as he watches me move on top of him. I close my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his length and thickness inside me, filling me up completely. I then take my left hand and cover his hand with mine, glancing down at him to see his brow furrowed and enjoying every second of me on top.

"God damn I fuckin' love you," He says his voice husky and deep and as we move together, he sits up still holding me as I move my hips, his plam reacing up to cup my face as he brushes my curls off my shoulder and places his lips to that spot under my earlobe and then whispers, "Look at us baby,"

The sound of his voice sends shivers all over my body and I knew exactly what he meant but I was still so shy. For as many times as we have made love in this room I still avoided looking at us during it. Every time I caught a glance of us in the mirrors that surrounded us, I always ended up closing my eyes not wanting to see myself.

"I... can't" I breathe as I close my eyes.

"Yes you can baby... look at us... look how beautiful you are," He says in between our movements, his voice so deep and husky. I turn my head slightly, his lips now pressed to my temple and I open my eyes to see our reflection in the full length floor to ceiling mirrors that surround us. Our bodies together as one, my fair complexion against his tattooed body was like something I never thought I could see. We look amazing together and the feeling of him inside me as I watch us was like nothing I've ever felt before.

"Tommy?" I sigh.

"Yes baby?" He says with his lips against my skin.

"I'm gonna cum again," I breathe feeling that wonderful sensation deep inside me.

"Fuck yes baby,"

"I'm gonna cum," I repeat whimpering.

"Fuck..."

"Cum with me, baby... " I breathe turning to him and he touches his forehead to mine, his palm still cupping my cheek and I cry out releasing the most intense orgasm, as he cries out with me releasing everything inside of me.

After a while of us sitting together, us both attempting to calm our breathing, I slowly open my eyes to see his forehead still touching mine and as he flicks his dark eyes to mine, that charming mischievous smile spreading across his lips as he tries to control his breathing, immediately presses his lips to mine. I hungrily suck on his bottom lip as our kiss becomes passionate and intense, then he parts his lips from mine and falls back on the bed and pulls me down with him making me laugh.

———————————————————————————

A/N: *indicates flashback or dream-like state

#tommy lee #tommy lee fanfic #motley crue #motley crue fanfiction #terror twins

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fictionkinfessions · 2 years

Note

Since I've kinda fallen behind on these...

Reverself: Luigi - separation between Paper Luigi and 3D/M&L Luigi doesn't exist to the same extent. I did experience Paper adventure stuff, but Paper Luigi didn't experience some of the adventures I had. Ghost - I got the facepaint to match my status as an honorary Grimm Troupe member. Also, the whole wing thing. Spamton - I'll just say it. Short. Or at least, shorter than in canon. Leif - my wings actually adhered to how wings are supposed to look. To be more specific, the upper wing was longer and covered my lower wing most of the way when I held them like a cloak. Also I think there were differences in how a few things played out, but I'm still not sure what those differences were. Mad Rat - I think I might've lived on after my "last day" though? But I'm not sure how much or anything. Kin Stims: Luigi - To be honest, canon shows a lot of them, but plays them off as me just being fidgety... I played with my overalls' buttons, messed with my hat a lot, that kind of thing. I tended to keep my arms closer to my body, but Mario tended to swing his arms out. I still do tend to keep my arms close. Ghost - My cloak was really cool, honestly. I played with it sometimes, swishing it around me and stuff. I liked how it felt when the air would catch it and it'd just flow behind me. Blixer - Oh! The music head bop thing. I don't know if it shows up in canon now that I'm thinking of it, but La Danse Macabre was not the only boss who bops their head, they just tended to move their head more that the rest of us. Spamton - this one's kinda hard to explain? but I'll try anyway. You know how, when you have earbuds or a charging cord or something, how you have to loop the cord around sometimes to keep it from just going everywhere? After all the stuff that happened, I had a tendency to loop and unloop cords if I had one available. Leif - Flowy cloak part two, now with wings. Ingo - the point wasn't a stim, exactly, but I'm counting it since it was a familiar motion I liked to do. MSPA Reader - played with my hands. idk if that makes sense. Kin Life is: Description is a mood. Also mine would have to be that kin life is trying to lay in bed when only 4 (out of 9) of your kintypes consistently used a bed. We can up it to 5 if we don't want to count the several decades of being in a cave as Leif, though. Happy Mems: Luigi - Being with Mario in general, but specifically, the days where the Mushroom Kingdom had big celebrations and not only did we not get attacked, but Bowser came for the actual celebrations. Neon J. - Being with my boys (1010). Canon Timelines: Most of these either worked on a different timescale than the current one or they have a canon time setting. Canon Names: As MSPA Reader, I usually just went by Reader. All the other ones without spoken dialogue seem obvious, though. Leif is like "leaf," Spamton is "spam" like in emails and meat and "ton" like the measurement, some of these don't even have the names I used. Canon pets: Luigi - Polterpup! Ghost - Grimmchild was a kid, so I can't count them, and I didn't use the Weaversong or Glowing Womb charms enough to count them the same way. Leif - Pibu may not have been ours but they may as well have been. Ingo - I guess, if we're counting "free spirited 'not quite a pet' pets" here, this might count. In my canon, pokemon were kind of in-between on intelligence. Enough to have a morality system and, for the non-solitary ones, gather in small, mixed groups. You could have a clan cat for a pet, sure, but if they don't want to be yours, it's unlikely that you'd have them. I think I can count my pokemon, if that's the case. And Emmet's, of course. I can't not count Emmet's if I'm counting my own. We often had joint caretaking on some of our pokemon, after all. (I'm trying to keep this ask smaller than it was going to be. I don't know that it is working.)

- (#💚💙)

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redwing2000 · 1 year

Photo

Wing R Commission Detail

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shemarmooresfedora · 3 years

Text

Home

Series Summary: After being arrested, Spencer Reid desperately tries to get back home to his daughter, Camellia, who was placed into foster care in your home.

Pairing: Single!Dad!Spencer x Foster!Mom!Reader

Word Count: 1.7k

Content/Warnings: mentions of Diana’s Alzheimer’s and Schizophrenia, prison, separation of father and daughter, swearing

A/N: i hope you guys enjoy my new fic! this may be about 8 chapters or so! i’m not sure yet, going to see how interested people are in the plot :) (also quick disclaimer: i have never been in the foster care system so please excuse any inaccuracies)

Masterlist

Chapter 1

Spencer never wanted his daughter to see him like this, being brought into the BAU bullpen in handcuffs. He was supposed to be the good guy.

Right now, he couldn’t tell if he still was. He had good intentions going down to Mexico to get non-FDA approved medicine for his mom but he may have killed someone in the process. If only he could just remember.

Camellia ran into his arms to hug him, a hug he so desperately wanted to return if it wasn’t for these stupid cuffs around his wrists.

“They can’t just take you away, Dad,” she cried.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I’m going to get back to you as soon as possible,” he promised, kissing the top of her head.

Spencer felt absolutely crushed as the guards had to drag his crying 11-year-old off of him so he could be taken to his holding cell.

You had just gotten off of work when your phone rang. Eileen, the head foster care coordinator, was calling.

“Hello,” you answered.

“Hey Y/N,” she greeted you, “I know you haven’t had a foster kid in a few months but I kind of have an urgent case. 11-year-old sixth grade girl. Mom has been out of the picture for a while, Dad recently imprisoned and on trial for murder. There are a bunch of family friends willing to take her but no direct family,” she explained.

“I can take her for as long as she needs,” you told Eileen.

“Great! I’ll text you the address, it’s the FBI headquarters.”

When you walked into the BAU, still in your dino scrubs and white lab coat, Eileen was surrounded by a frantic group of people.

“As I said before, I don’t doubt any of your credentials but this is the law. We can only give away a child to direct family at this point in time. If you are not direct family, you will need a lawyer to fight for custody as well as permission from her father but that process could take months,” Eileen stated.

“Spencer hasn’t spoken to his father in years and his mother is in a facility for her schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s,” a dark-haired woman spoke.

“Exactly so she must be turned over to the foster care system. I apologize to you all but this is how it works. We can’t bend the rules,” Eileen said.

“I don’t want Callie fending for herself in a house with 20 other kids,” a blonde-haired woman argued, “I’m her godmother. She stays with me all the time. She was staying with me while Spencer was in Mexico.”

“Sorry, my answer is still no. But, hopefully this will squash your concerns, Y/N!” she called you over, “This is Y/N. Jo will be placed with her. She is a pediatric doctor and currently has no other foster kids at the moment but all of her past kids have absolutely adored her. She always passes her surprise safety and wellness checks with flying colors.

“Hi,” you waved, intimidated by this huge group of frustrated people with guns on their hips.

“A doctor? So she isn’t even going to be home most of the time,” a curly-haired man scoffed.

“Actually, I own my own practice. I don’t work at a hospital so I usually have a regular 8-4 shift unless one of my patients needs urgent attention,” you clarified.

“JJ, don’t make me go,” a girl, who you could only assume was Callie, sobbed.

They were all staring at you like you were the worst person on Earth. You wanted to shrivel up and die. When you went through the process of becoming a foster parent, you thought this was a very admirable thing to do. You just wanted to provide a good home to kids in need.

“Do any of you have a key to Dr. Reid’s residence so Camellia can pack a bag?” you asked politely.

The woman closest to Callie that must be JJ pulled a key off of her chain and handed it to you.

“I’ll-um-leave my phone number and address here so you guys can contact me at any time or stop by. I understand your concerns but please know I try my absolute hardest to make sure all kids feel welcome and safe in my house,” you scribbled your information down on a scrap piece of paper.

“Are you ready to go, Camellia?” you asked softly.

She went around hugging everyone in the circle before solemnly nodding to you.

God, you felt like such an asshole.

After Callie finished packing her things from her bedroom in relative silence, you returned to the car.

“I don’t know what you like to eat but we can stop at the grocery store so we can get stuff you like and any other things you need,” you said.

You were met with silence from the backseat. You offered for her to sit in the passenger seat but she declined.

“Listen, I’m really not trying to be the bad guy here. Please don’t make me out to be one. I know you are having a tough time with your Dad’s situation right now but shutting everyone else out won’t help,” you spoke softly, “Trust me, I know.”

You sighed when the silence continued. You pulled out of the Reid’s driveway and headed to the grocery store.

You let Callie lead when you entered the grocery store, opting to follow behind her with the cart. She went immediately to the frozen meal section and started throwing them in.

“Camellia, that’s fine if those are what you want but just so you know, I love to cook so I can make you anything you want,” you offered.

“This is what I’m used to,” she spoke sharply, “My dad is not a bad dad, he just usually doesn’t have much time.”

“I never claimed he was,” you defended yourself.

After that, you kept your mouth shut. Clearly, she was a very independent girl and she had her own routine she liked to stick to.

You hauled all the grocery bags inside the house and unloaded them as Callie brought in her suitcases.

“So Camellia, I put all the food you picked out in these two cabinets. I mean obviously, you are welcome to anything in the kitchen but I just wanted you to know where the things you picked out were. I always have a grocery list on the fridge that you can add to,” you began to give her a tour of the house, “Bathroom is in there. There’s another upstairs. Here’s the living room with a TV,” you headed up the stairs, “Here’s my room.”

On your bed was an adorable toyger kitten cuddled up on your pillow.

“Oh! This is Winnie like Winnie the Pooh. I just got her a few weeks ago from a shelter. She is super friendly and loves snuggles so she will probably try to sneak into your bed unless you keep your door closed.”

“I don’t mind,” Callie spoke softly as she petted Winnie.

You smiled softly. These were the first words you got out of her that weren’t a rejection.

You continued the tour, “There’s a bathroom between our rooms but I tend to use the downstairs one so feel free to make it your own. And here’s your room,” you opened the door to a white room with a queen bed in the center, a small bookshelf, a few plants, and paintings.

“I hope this is good enough for now. We can go out this weekend to a home goods store if you want to redecorate. I’d even be open to repainting it if you want,” you offered.

Callie just set her bags down and nodded.

“Alright, I’ll leave you be. I’ll probably be downstairs for a while watching TV if you want to join. Let me know if you want me to make you anything,” you began to shut the door but Winnie slipped in first.

“Good night, you guys,” you smiled softly.

“Do you want me to wait out here or come in with you?” you asked softly.

Spencer had been denied bail, meaning he was transferred to a federal prison and Callie was going to be staying with you for a while. She had taken the news rather hard as expected when the team came over to your house to tell her. You still weren’t really accepted by the group so you mostly stood in the corner of the kitchen while they were all in your living room.

You had spoken to Eileen several times about Callie’s current situation. She gave you permission to do whatever you saw fit. This means you could opt her out of school one or two days a week if she wasn’t feeling up to it as long as she emailed her teachers and got her missed work in on time. You were researching different therapists for her to talk to because she didn’t seem to want to open up to you. You were also given a schedule of visiting times for her to visit her dad in prison.

“I’ll just go in alone,” she walked in the door to the visiting room, leaving you in the waiting room.

“Dad,” Callie tried to hug Spencer but the guard pointed to the ‘No Touching’ sign posted on the wall.

They both sat down defeatedly at opposite ends of the table.

“How are you?” Callie inquired, wiping her tears away from seeing her father locked up.

“I don’t want to talk about me, sweetheart. How are you? Emily and my lawyer visited yesterday and told me you had to be placed into foster care,” Spencer asked, concerned.

“It’s okay. Not the best,” she sighed.

“What’s happening? Are they hurting you? Are they not giving you enough to eat? Callie, I’ll have my lawyer on the phone and you out of there so quick,” Spencer frantically stated.

“No, Dad. Y/N is fine…nice, even. But she’s not you,” Callie cried.

Spencer’s face softened, “I’m so sorry, Callie. You don’t deserve to be dealing with any of this.”

“Just please come home,” she sniffled.

“I’m trying, sweetheart, I’m really trying,” he replied earnestly with tears in his eyes.

A/N: i will also be starting a series taglist if you don’t want to be added to my main taglist so just clarify which one you want to join! also i recommend listening to the song Home by Phillip Phillips because it is kind of like the theme song for this story

main taglist (just ask to be added/removed!): @samuel-de-champagne-problems @g0lden-cth @spencerreid9 @averyhotchner @coldlilheart @k-k0129 @ickleronniekinsemotionalrange @harrystylesandthegoobs @cmily @jswessie187 @rem-ariiana @hoodpankow @mochionly @spencerreid-187 @babymetaldoll @fics4arainyday @ssavanessa22 @all-tings-diego

series taglist: @ilovespencerreidmarryme

#spencer reid angst #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #dr spencer reid #cm fanfic #spencer x reader #reid x reader #criminal minds

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bigilante · 3 years

Text

〖 her best friend ❣ zendaya 〗

「 zendaya x gender-neutral!reader 」 ┅ 「 2.7k words 」

: a.n : back at it again with the unsolicited fics :)) i hope you guys like it 👉🏼👈🏼

⤷ : prompt : separated forcefully or for reasons you can’t control, run into each other again years later on accident.

“Do you think they’ll ever stop making headlines calling us ‘very good friends’?” You halfheartedly laughed at yet another Instagram post by some magazine that showed you and Zendaya out and about LA. “Like, the minute you hang out with any guy they’re like, ‘Oh! Date alert!’ But I’m just your ‘best friend’” You were ranting now, unable to hide the annoyance you felt.

“Why does it matter what they say?” Zendaya quizzed, her hands playing with the waist string of your sweats. She looked up at you from her slumped down position on the sofa, her faint frown making you sigh.

“Because... don’t you feel is a bit homophobic?” You wondered, placing your phone face down on top of your stomach to give her your full attention. The brunette just shrugged nonchalantly and you let out another sigh picking your phone again to close the app, “I’m gonna head out.” It was best to just leave then, you didn’t want to get in a stupid argument with her not before you were set to leave for New York the very next morning. You began to incorporate but Zendaya’s hands gripped your thighs keeping them draped over hers.

“Y/n, come on.” She said, gorgeous hazel eyes pleading at you. What exactly? You had no idea but for a second, you were about to give in however a loud ding coming from your phone stopped you. Your eyes scanned the screen and the reminder that had popped up read ‘PACK ! 4 ! N Y C !’, you sent her an apologetic glance before getting off the sofa, gathering your stuff and petting Noon goodbye.

Zendaya had stood up from the sofa too, watching your every move intently, probably trying to figure out if you were upset with her. The truth was, you didn’t know if you were upset with her or with the media, it was possible that both had a little part in your now sour mood. “See you next week, best friend. Love you.” You joked before swinging the front door open and leaving. The week was going to feel like a month, you knew, but the hope that making that simple joke followed by the declaration would ease things up was strong.

But what did hopefulness ever bring if not disappointment and heartache?

Seeing medium-quality paparazzi pictures of your girlfriend as soon as you landed from a five-hour flight wasn’t exactly the way you wanted to be welcomed to New York. You sat quietly in the back of an Uber trying not to cry as your eyes stared at the images on your phone. A series of pictures of Zendaya and Tom leaving her house, —they must had been taken that morning while you were on your way to the airport— the further you scrolled down the Twitter trends the more you felt like throwing up. Them in his car. Tom’s hand reaching for Zendaya’s jaw. Both leaning in. Kissing. Laughing.

It felt like a punch to the face, it was the worst feeling you had ever endured and the people that caused it were the last you would’ve thought could ever dare to hurt you. Your trembling hands fumbled with the settings on your account, privating it and blocking her and Tom, doing the same with Instagram followed by their numbers on your phone. It felt like doing a cleansing, the pressure in your chest easing only minimally when you locked your phone and looked out into the running city. You wanted to scream and cry, break stuff, throw your phone away and not show to work, you just wanted to go hide in your Airbnb for the rest of the week and pretend you and Zendaya never happened.

The reality was that you two had happened and it was far too hard to pretend it didn’t, your heart ached both physically and metaphorically and you hated every second of it. For that week you spent in New York no one shut up about the photos, every person you worked with had that hot, brand new ‘goss’ about the pair that had hurt you so badly.

You sat in the quiet living room of the apartment you had been living in whilst in the big city, laptop sitting in front of you as you cancelled your flight back to LA, changing the tab to the Airbnb’s one to pay for a few more days. You had been holding yourself together the whole time you were there, work keeping you busy and sleeping pills doing their magic at the end of the day but it could only go so far. Glassy, stinging eyes stared blankly at the empty inbox of your email, the cursed images projecting over the blank space and you just weren’t strong enough anymore, you couldn’t, so you cried and choked and screamed until your throat and eyes were sore; until your whole body was drained of every bit of energy.

Little by little you were sweeping your life clean of her, clearing out your phone’s camera roll, changing your number. Deleting social media was a big no for your job so filtering everything and anything that had to do with them was the only option, that and spending little to no time online. You had stopped to think one night of the what-ifs of the situation, you were aware that Zendaya’s publicist wasn’t so happy about you and her dating publically and Tom’s was obsessed with boosting the Spider-man movies at all cost, still, giving you a heads up about it would had been the right thing to do.

For a year and a half, you made yourself busy, going back and forth wasn’t something you enjoyed but it worked to avoid unwanted visits and accidental encounters. Enough time had passed, you thought as you stopped booking in so many clients across the country and settled back in your LA home. “You know what? I could go for a thick, sugary milkshake, right now.” Naomi told you as you put down your half-empty box of fried noodles on the coffee table.

“Are you serious?” You asked incredulous receiving an enthusiastic nod from your friend. “Naomi, we just had Chinese and you wanna wash it down with a milkshake?” She rolled her eyes at you when you pointed it out.

“Fine, what about Bubble U? Bubble tea is Chinese isn’t it?” She offered, her question prompting you to send her an unamused glare. “Yep, Bubble U it is, then!” Naomi jumped up, going straight to the door. Reluctantly you got up from the floor, groaning all the way to the door where you got ready to go out, “Come on! It’ll be fun!” She chirped while she pulled you out of the house. You hated to admit it but you had completely modified your life after the heartbreak, once you settled back home you barely left it, you didn’t attend parties unless it was for work or go out with your friends unless it was at any of their houses. You didn’t walk around the city that often anymore in fear of bumping into her.

“I miss this.” You sighed as you walked down Chinatown with your friend, the coldness of your drink pleasant against the palm of your hand. “Just walking around town.” You continued taking a sip of the milk tea.

“I still don’t get why you had to stop going out with us.” Naomi said inciting you to turn to look at her, “I mean, I know why it’s just… you didn’t have to stop.” She rephrased it giving you an apologetic glance. You knew how much your friends hated the idea of you not being able to be you after the whole thing with Zendaya and Tom happened but it was your way of coping with it and even though they didn’t agree with it, they supported you.

“Well, I’m outside now, aren’t I?” You nudged her side with your elbow making her giggle as she nudged you back. “Maybe this is me getting back to my old self.” Hope laced your every word as you looked around the busy street. The way the golden light of the setting sun washed over the buildings made the outing worth the risk.

LA was the second-largest city in the United States, with a population of nearly four million that one could think the chances of crossing paths with a lover-turned-stranger was one in millions, yet, there you were rooted to the pavement as your wide eyes stared at the tall and thin figure coming out of one of the many restaurants that dotted the street. “Come on, let’s go back.” Naomi said, placing her hand on the crook of your elbow ready to pull you out of there but something inside your chest told you to keep moving forward.

So you did, you started walking again letting your friend’s hand slip away from you. She was quick to follow, whisper-shouting at you that whatever you were doing probably wasn’t the best idea. The closer you got to her the more nervous you felt, it’s been over a year since you last saw her and god, was she even more beautiful than before; long legs clagged in camel coloured trousers, feet sporting her beloved black converse. Her top was white, a little see-through and you cursed at how much it still drove you absolutely crazy in the most irritating sense.

Curls tucked into an elastic on top of her head in a carefree and relaxed way, a few stubborn strands hanging out framing her face and gracing her neck. She was laughing loudly at something Darnell said, that laugh you had forced yourself to forget but the second it hit your ears, you realised how badly you had missed it. Then everything stopped, Naomi’s panicked telling off, Darnell’s chatting and Zendaya’s laughing. It all had stopped but the rambling around the four of you.

You stood in front of Darnell while Naomi stood in front of Zendaya, your friend’s usually amicable attitude disrupted by the scowl on her face as she glared Zendaya’s way only the brunette’s pupils were set on you with no apparent intention of averting. “It’s you,” She breathed out, hope barely perceivable in her tone. You only hummed at the observation, your eyes moving from hers down to her hands that were gripping the long lanyard that held her phone around her neck. Her nerves were evident then, the intensity with which she clutched it seemed to be draining the blood flow from her fingers. “I— How—” Zendaya tried to speak but failed, letting out a shaky breath. “How have you been?”

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Naomi protested, you understood where your friend was coming from but you also needed that, you needed to speak to Zendaya just one more time to be able to finally let everything go. You needed her to confirm your theory just so you could move on and Darnell seemed to be on the same page as you for he stepped in between you and Naomi, throwing his arm around her shoulders to guide her away from you two. You heard her object some more but ultimately she complied and walked away.

“I’ve been fine. You?” You eventually spoke after short but agonising seconds of silence.

“I don’t know. There are good days among the terrible ones, so... fine, I guess?” She shrugged a shoulder. With a nod of your head, you looked past her over her shoulder to see a man pointing a camera at you, you were about to warn her when she began speaking again. “Y/n, I’m so sorry about—” Zendaya started but you shook your head no making her stop, you realised then that you did want to talk to her but not on the street in front of that many people and certainly not when there were paparazzi nearby.

“Heard the movie did well.” Your tongue betrayed your brain. Zendaya tried to speak once more but you cut her again. “I’m glad it did. Made it all worth it, didn’t it?” You faked a small smile nearly choking on the words, the anxious lump in your throat threatening to cut your airflow.

“No, It didn’t.” Zendaya denied taking a step closer to you forcing you to hold your breath with the sudden move. “I was a total asshole to you before you left, then Marla wanted me and Tom to do that for a while and I don’t even know why I did it.” She ranted in one breath.

“I upset you.” The statement earned you a furious head shake from the tall girl. “I did. I kept bugging you about the articles,” You carried on, inconspicuously your eyes started to line with tears. The more you talked the more you realised that maybe, just maybe there was a bit of blame in you too, however, that didn’t mean Zendaya was absolved from any. “You never said a thing to me about the stunt.”

“I felt like I didn’t need to, I wasn’t gonna do it.”

“But you did. The morning I left LA.” You mumbled, trying to hide from the second man with a camera that had appeared closer than the first.

“Fuck, I know it was a shitty thing to do and I’m sorry,” She took another small step forward.

“You always told me kissing in public wasn’t your thing.” You exposed, tears irrevocably breaking the surface tension and cascading down your cheeks. Flicking your gaze up at her you saw nothing but hurt and regret written all over her gorgeous face and your heart squeezed at the sight. She had never spoken about it and neither had you asked, you just felt it in your heart that she was scared of how the media would treat you both if they ever found out you were dating, you knew the times had changed but there were still closed-minded people that ran gossip magazines and could make your lives a living hell the moment they caught you holding hands in public or worst, kissing.

The murmuring around you increased, reminding you that you were in a very public place crying in front of your secret ex-girlfriend. “Fuck that.” Zendaya grumbled. One moment she was a small step away from you and the next her hands were cupping your face and her lips were softly pressed against yours. The action took your breath away instantly, still, you found yourself powerless against the familiar taste and feel of her and allowed her to kiss you as long as she wanted to in front of how many people she wanted to. There were yelps and gasps all around the two of you and you started to regain conscience and pulled away.

Wide, watery eyes staring up at the girl mere inches away from your face. “Th-there’s pap—”

“I don’t care.” She whispered before she captured your lips once more, this time deeper and twice as intensely as the first time. Your hands scurried to her waist, bringing her flush to your body as you kissed her back gladly, desperately wanting her lips to make the past year bleep out of your core memories.

The night went by slowly as if the universe was granting you more time to spend in the arms of the girl you loved. She never once let a second of silence go by you, filling it with a whispered apology and a kiss. You talked about everything the time you spent apart brought to both of you, she told you about firing her publicist right after the pictures came out, about how she understood why you had cut her off without any explanation and how bad both her and Tom felt with the whole thing.

Articles flooded the internet that very night as well as the next morning, however, neither of you knew of them right away for any device that could be hooked to a WiFi signal was rightfully turned off while you basked in the presence of each other under the covers of Zendaya’s bed.

“Spider-man Star Zendaya shares intense kiss with BFF, Celeb Stylist y/n l/n in the middle of Chinatown! Swipe to see the pictures!”

It might be 2021 but some things refused to change.

【 thank you so much for reading! ♡ please, consider reblogging and letting me know what you thought of this ♡ kit xx 】

#zendaya x reader #zendaya x you #zendaya imagine #zendaya fanfic #wlw fanfic #softfics #angst to fluff #gender neutral reader

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syms-things-5 · 2 years

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Case Histories - Chapter Seven

An AU Andy Barber fic (based upon BBC’s ‘The Split)

Previous Chapter Here / Masterlist Here

Chapter Warnings: Strong language, not NSFW but something happens, angst

CHAPTER SEVEN

Another week, another fresh start. That’s how Grace had learned to look at the days on the calendar. Ever since her mother had passed away suddenly years earlier, she had found it was easier to cope if she divided her time into separate, more manageable chunks. It felt more controllable back then when she was grappling with grief and her degree and what was left of her splintering family.

The Counsellor that her supervisor at Boston University had arranged for her to visit as part of a scheme they had in place for students wasn’t a massive emotional help, she found, but the practical advice was something she took on board. She continued to use most of it to this day. She always found real-world solutions easier to get her head around. The rest of the stuff? Not so much. Thoughts and feelings she could happily avoid until the cows came home.

So, if she had a bad week, if she was feeling stressed and tired, she knew she could ultimately choose to write it off and start the next one afresh without the pressure from anything that might have preceded it. What might be an issue on one day, shouldn’t be an issue the next, she would tell herself.

“Hey,” Andy leans casually into her office doorway. “Jack wants a word in five minutes. It’s with everyone.”

Grace immediately checks the watch on her wrist. “Right. OK.”

She continues to type furiously on her keyboard, faster than he thinks he has ever seen somebody type before. He lingers a second longer before stepping fully inside her office.

“You, er, didn’t reply to any of my messages.” He says quietly, careful that no one outside in the hallway could hear him.

She continues typing away, avoiding his eye contact, but he knew she had heard him.

“I’ve just been busy is all.” She answers back equally as quiet.

“Sure.” He nods, unconvinced.

When he realises she isn’t going to give him anything else to work with, he half-heartedly turns to walk out of her office.

“It’s just in the boardroom when you’re ready.”

Then he’s gone and she can feel herself breathe easy again.

The meeting wasn’t for anything important, which left Grace feeling a little miffed. Instead, while pretending to listen, she made mental notes for a couple of emails that had been backing up since the day before. Jack just liked to check in with the team from one week to the next even if there was nothing of note to pass on. It was the easiest way of keeping tabs on everyone and their case load, and perhaps reassign resources if he got the impression something wasn’t working out the way he would like it to.

Much to Andy’s frustration, Grace chose to sit a few seats down from him at the table, not making any effort to register him as she walked behind the back of his chair. She knew it likely came across as childish but she didn’t really care much in that moment. She just needed the distance, both physically and emotionally, and one usually aided the other.

“Has that file arrived from Court by any chance?” Grace asked Lydia, finally on the way back to her office.

“No, not yet.” Lydia replied apologetically. “I chased it with Alex first thing but apparently they’re dealing with a hefty backlog at the moment.”

“What file?” Andy interrupts as he sides up to them both at the reception desk.

“Oh, it’s just an old testimony for the Roberts case. Jack recommended I dig it out. Said he had a memory of his ex-wife making a similar accusation from years back.” Grace explained.

“Oh, yeh, that’s a good idea.” He agrees. “Is it urgent? We can always head down there this afternoon? I know someone else there who could help.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Grace waves him off. “I’ve got a couple of other avenues to try first so it’s not an issue if I don’t get it today.”

“I’ll make sure they deliver it as soon as possible, Grace. I’m so sorry.” Lydia adds.

“Don’t worry about it. I appreciate you trying.” Grace says, smiling as she backs away from the desk and the both of them.

“If it arrives later on, shall I redirect it to the Marriott for you?”

She turns back to face them again, glancing alternately between Lydia and Andy and catching Andy’s slightly perplexed expression in the process.

“I…yes, please, that would be a big help actually. Thank you.” She turns again to walk the last few steps into her office and closes the door behind her.

The Marriott wasn’t the fanciest hotel in town but it was still well-regarded. It was connected to a swanky cocktail bar and a restaurant that was owned in partnership with some minor celebrity chef Grace had never heard of before. More importantly, though, it had availability at short notice and that was Grace’s only requirement when googling for hotel rooms earlier that morning.

After checking herself in and thanking the concierge for bringing her overnight bag to the suite, she was already one glass of wine down and half her way through a second, much larger one.

She had toed off her shoes and socks and enjoyed the soothing feel of the soft, teal carpet underneath her toes. She had set up her laptop to continue some work that she had left incomplete while trying to make a quick getaway from the office, and was now considering running the deepest bubble bath she could manage while enjoying what was left of the bottle currently eyeing her from the room’s mini bar.

The view was beautiful, all of Boston lit up and glowing beneath her. Why would you live anywhere else? She certainly had never considered it and thankfully neither had Dan when they had decided all those years ago to remain in the city and raise their new family.

As she looked across the skyline, she could just make out the small red-brick in the middle distance, a six-floor nondescript block that she and Dan had first moved into when Olivia was barely weeks old. She remembered it feeling really cramped and one of the neighbours constantly complaining about their crying baby but nevertheless she kept a loving sense of affection for the place. Even more so as she regarded the high rises that had been slowly caging it in in the years since they had moved further out of the centre.

The telephone in her room rings a moment later, shaking her from her reverie.

“Good evening, Mrs Atherton. We have a message waiting for you at the front desk.” Came a polite voice on the other end of the line.

Confused, she hangs up. She puts her shoes back on and ventures out of the warmth of her room into the rather chilly hallway. As the lift descended to the ground floor, she wondered what was awaiting her at the bottom and dearly hoped it was nothing more complicated than the case files she had requested. She had no more room in her brain for anything other than work right now. Gnawing proof that, yet again, Dan had perhaps been right all along.

She moved through the quiet lobby and appeared in front of the desk and the sharp-dressed man who looked like he could be an extra on Mad Men.

“He’s just in the bar.” He said, politely directing Grace to the ornate double doors on the other side of the open space.

She glances around but she can’t immediately recognise anyone or anything that might be waiting for her.

“I’m sorry, who is waiting?” She asks, aware that she is coming across as slightly moronic in apparently not getting the obvious thing he was trying hard to make obvious. It was beyond her at this point.

“I’m sorry, he didn’t give a name. Just said to tell you there was a message he needed to give to you.” He smiles and she knows she won’t get anything else that’s useful from him.

She nodded her thanks to him even though she didn’t really mean it and walked towards the bar’s reception. The lady on the door seemed to be expecting her and simply waves her straight through without taking her name or room number first.

She wasn’t one for surprises, never had been even as a child, so she’d need to be careful not to come across as indignant when she finally finds the person waiting for her.

Looking around for a second to find a face she might recognise, she sighs when she’s greeted by a smiling Andy making himself comfortable at a small table in the corner. Of course. He holds a glass up to her and she sees the same thing in front of him, only half drunk.

“Seriously? You couldn’t have just given your damn name?” She says not making any effort to hide her irritation as she approaches his table. The whole bar is quiet save for a couple trying to enjoy a romantic evening and another man, likely on business, reading the financials. “I was fine in my room.”

The place smells faintly of rose and incense and the lights are far too low for this time of the evening. It was still early, right? She had lost all track of time since she had arrived.

“It’s amazing what 20 bucks can get you these days.” He jokes, rather smugly. “Plus, I didn’t want you to have another reason to avoid speaking to me. I’m not stupid, Gracie.”

“Listen, I have a lot of work I need to get through so I really can’t-”

“-Just sit down for a minute, OK?” He interrupts before she finds another excuse to avoid him. He isn’t averse to pleading if he absolutely has to. “Have a drink with me. Please?”

She warily regards the glass he is holding up towards her, enticing her with a warm hint of smoky whisky. It was likely the best one in a bar that has about a hundred different varieties and they were just the ones currently on show.

“Why are you being so friendly all of a sudden?” she asks.

“What are you talking about, I’m always friendly.” He huffs a laugh at her take on the drink he is holding out to her but pauses when she makes no effort to take it from his hand. “We’re still friends, aren’t we? At least I would hope so.”

He at least looked sincere, and she decides she doesn’t have the energy to argue with him. She yields and sits down on the plush black velvet armchair on the other side of the table across from him. He mouths a gracious ‘thank you’ before taking a sip of his drink. She sips her own and can’t pretend it doesn’t feel consoling in some small way.

“I’ve had two glasses of wine already so this can only be the one drink.”

“Wow, that bad, huh?” He teases. “Jack’s working you too hard.”

She toys with the glass in her hands and takes a slow breath to try and calm her nerves. Jazz music plays out lowly from the speakers hiding somewhere in the background and she suddenly feels like a cliché.

“She’s called Amanda.” He starts, when no one speaks for a minute. “We’ve known each other a little while, sort of seeing each other on and off until last year. I guess I was feeling some type of way after…the other night, so I called her up and she came over.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

“But I want to. It wasn’t anything…serious. After you left, I asked her to go and she did, so.” He tried to find the words. “Nothing happened. I just needed you to know that.”

He stares his glass down. He had come straight from work, his tie loosened around his collar and his hair looking like he’d ran his hands through it several times so it lost some of its usual rigidity. Rarely did he let anyone see him look anything less than professional and for the first time since she could remember, he looked more than a little tired. She felt partly responsible and that realisation made her feel bad.

She swallowed down another sip of her drink.

“Is she into yoga?”

“Huh?”

“Amanda. She looks like she keeps herself trim.”

“I…don’t know actually. Probably. I’ve never asked.”

Grace grins to herself and he tilts his head at her in mock-annoyance.

“What? What did I say?” He asks.

“Nothing.” She chuckles to herself. “So, you have a thing for blondes, then.”

He sucks in a deep breath as he thinks about his answer to that. Nothing he can say will likely work and she’ll probably have a cutting jab for him regardless.

“In my personal experience, they’re not as complicated as brunettes.”

She purses her lips and he thinks he can spy something akin to understanding on her face.

“But they’re also only half the fun.” He regards her again but she gives nothing back. “So, now that I’ve been honest, it’s your turn. You want to tell me what you’re doing here?”

She turns the glass in her hands again. Not really, she thinks to herself, but he’s here and he’s trying and she’s had a bit too much to drink already so any conversation would sound like a good idea right about now. She sort of did want to talk about it but also didn’t at the same time, if that made any sense.

“It’s a long story,” she settles for a benign answer.

“Try me.”

He doesn’t look away from her. He has a kind of intense stare, one that looks like he could either become your best friend or uncover the darkest secret you have, that makes him such a formidable lawyer. And human being.

“We’re just having a night apart, that’s all. It’s nothing big.”

Andy nods and looks down at his glass. “I’m sorry, Gracie. I didn’t mean to cause you any problems.”

“Don’t be.” She tries to shake it off. “It’s nothing to do with you. I just had a lot of stuff on with this Roberts thing and I thought a night away would help me concentrate better, so…”

She shrugs and for the second time that day, he doesn’t quite believe her.

“Is it helping? Being away?”

She can’t in all good conscience answer him entirely truthfully.

“What about the kids?” He asks again, looking to change the subject slightly in the hope that she might open up to him a little more. He meant it after all; he wanted to be her friend if she’d let him.

“Liv’s at her friend’s birthday sleepover tonight and Sam is at home with Dan. Hopefully doing his homework but there’s also a baseball game on so, I guess we’ll have to see about that tomorrow.”

Each passing second feels a little bit lighter on them both. Deep down, she’s appreciative that he’s come to visit her. She finds something about him more comforting than she’d like to admit. Hopefully, clearing the air will be one less thing she has to worry about in the morning.

“I like Sam.” He grins and she just laughs. “He’s a cute kid. Star Wars and Baseball, right? What else do you need in life?”

“I’d settle for a basic interest in his school work for one thing.”

“Ah, he’ll be fine.”

“Tell that to me when they’re grown up and in therapy.”

“I’m being serious! They’re great kids. They have you as a mom. Everything that you do for them, to give them what they want, I’m sure they appreciate that. They can tell their friends their mom is a hotshot lawyer in Boston and that’s fucking awesome in any language.” He enthuses.

“Yeh, well, money and a decent career aren’t enough to mask the feeling of being messed up by your parents.” She murmurs, sorrowfully, before registering who she is sat in front of and immediately regrets being so candid. “Sorry. You don’t need to hear all of this.”

“It’s why I’m here. I meant it when I said we’re still friends, right? You can talk to me, Gracie.” He leans forward in his chair. “He didn’t want you to take this job, did he?”

She breathes in sharply almost like she’s about to start being defensive but nothing seems to comes out.

“That’s not…” She sighs, defeated, giving up before she can think of an appropriate defence.

The couple sat a few tables over from her and Andy start laughing at something one of them has on their phone. The man reaches his arm around the lady.

“It’s not that,” She starts again, turning her attention back to him, rethinking her angle. “It’s just been a big change for us, is all, what with the job and everything.”

“It’s a great opportunity Gracie. You shouldn’t feel guilty for taking it.”

“It’s hard, though. It’s hard to explain.” She speaks carefully. “When we’ve been the same for years and it’s been comfortable and we’ve managed, any change, big or small, is going to be something we have to work at to get the balance and the routine back again.”

“But this is also what you’ve wanted for a long time. I remember you saying you wouldn’t be happy unless you were at one of the Big Three.” Andy states causing her to feel flustered with his argument because, obviously, he’s spot on.

“Yesss,” she concedes. “But that was a long time ago.”

“That’s irrelevant.” He shrugs. “You hate routine, you always have. If I was you, I’d do exactly the same thing and grab this with both hands. God knows, you’ve fuckin’ earned it.”

“It’s easy to say that when you’re not married and you don’t have kids.”

He flinches at her tone. Not for any reason linked to disappointment or regret at not having either of those things but more because he recognises the constraints that she’s been under for the last few years of her life. He doesn’t have to ask for anyone’s permission to do anything and he can’t conceive giving up that freedom for, well, anything.

Almost anything, perhaps.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” he asks.

She looks at him relatively blankly then looks down at the glass in her hands. She shakes her head.

“I don’t know, honestly.” She takes a deep breath. “It’s never really felt like I’ve been doing the thing I was supposed to do, y’know? Like, why would I put myself through the agony of Law School and all of the debt if I wasn’t going to hope to work for a company like Rothmans at the end of it?”

“There’s your answer, then”

“Yeh, but…I guess it would just be easier if Dan felt it was the same thing for him as well. That maybe he wanted it, too, in some way.” She shrugs half-heartedly.

Andy motions to the barman to indicate another round even though she hasn’t finished the current drink yet. She was feeling too maudlin to reject it, though. Might as well carry on as she had started.

“I’m just sick of always having to feel guilty about doing something for myself. And it’s not even like it’s solely for me either. I’m not being selfish, ‘cos it benefits him as well, right? Or at least I thought it did.”

“When did you think it changed?” He asks. “That he decided everything was just fine as it was?”

“I think being parents was a big part of it, and I get that. I mean, we were 21 when we had Liv,” she says. “And I would never in a million years regret that. It wasn’t the best timing, for either of us, but we both knew we wanted this and we were so happy when she arrived.”

She smiles fondly at the wonderful memory of the midwife handing her their tiny child and the feeling of nothing but love filling her and making her whole for the first time in a long time. Nothing had ever made her feel like that. It was matched only when Sam arrived five years later.

“I promised her as I held her for the first time that I would do whatever I could to give her the life I didn’t have. I know it’s taken me long enough but I finally feel like I’m doing that. For all of us.”

“Then you definitely shouldn’t feel guilty for that. Not at all.” He encourages her gently. “The way I see it, you work for a few years, you make a name for yourself here, and you can do whatever the fuck you want to. You call the shots. You can have whatever you want. That’s what you worked hard for. Trust me, Gracie, it is that easy when you have a firm like Rothmans on your CV, and Dan is a fucking idiot if he can’t see that for himself.”

She isn’t sure how to take that. She feels strangely grateful for the boost although it’s not ideal under the circumstances. It’s always easy to have an opinion on someone else’s life when you didn’t have to live it yourself.

“That’s easy for you to say.” She chuckles trying to lighten the mood a little, aware she’s poured something out to him she hadn’t intended to and perhaps put thoughts in his head that weren’t entirely accurate. “You always knew where you wanted to be. You got your Masters; you got the job offers and the acclaim. I mean, did you know how famous you were when you left Uni? Everyone was practically in awe of you, knowing they’d be able to say that they knew you back before you were the Andrew Barber.”

She held her hands up for emphasis and he laughs heartily.

“You weren’t in awe of me, though, right?” He asks. “As I remember it, there was definitely some contempt in my seminars.”

“Oh, that’s harsh,” she objects. “It wasn’t anything like contempt. You just seemed like you wanted to show off from time to time and that got me. Yeh, I admit I found it annoying buuut…I knew you were a good guy, deep down. You were really intelligent and passionate and always thoughtful about what you were doing. I even enjoyed some of your classes when you weren’t trying to put on an act or flirt with the other students.”

“That wasn’t flirting.” He smiles. “You knew when I was flirting.”

He watches as she blushes ever so slightly and his heart feels a bit lighter. She swirls the last of her drink around in her glass, the ice cube clinking at the sides.

“Besides, if I was genuinely interested, I would have just told them their essay needed better citations.” He smirks at her over the rim of his glass as he watches the sudden realisation dawn on her.

“I fuckin’ knew there was nothing wrong with that paper.” She says, mildly affronted before she starts laughing again. She balls the napkin up in her hand before flinging it weakly across the table towards him.

He dodges it. “How else was I going to get you to talk to me?”

“Son of bitch.” She shook her head but she wasn’t angry at him, not really. “That mark stayed on my record, you know that, right? That pissed me off for years.”

“Oh, stop it. You did alright in the end, Miss Valedictorian.” He says and then nods slowly when she seems surprised that he knew that little known fact. “Besides, I couldn’t think of anything else that might have worked. You were always kind of…aloof, y’know? I always got the feeling that it would take a lot to impress you.”

“I bet I soon proved you wrong, though.”

“No, not at all.” He chuckles. “Actually, I realised that I didn’t need to impress you at all, at least not with grand gestures or anything like that. I think that’s what made me like you so much in the first place, that you were genuine and normal. I think you just liked me for me. I never really had that before.”

There’s a comfortable silence as they regard each other fondly. There was a lot being said without any words coming from either of them. It was like they were seeing some of their most important aspects of their history in the other person’s face. Like they were on the same page.

“I did like you, Andy.” She offers after a beat. “It was just bad timing.”

“Yeh.” He says, knowingly. “It’s funny to say but I don’t think of the work when I think of my time at BU. I just have these memories of you and…the times we were together. You’re a beautiful memory, Gracie. I don’t really have many of those.”

He watches her as she looks down at her lap, possibly avoiding him. She tugs gently at her hoop earring and wraps her hand around the back of her neck when she can’t think of anything else to do, leaning her arm on the armrest in the process until she feels comfortable again.

“…And I did love you.” He says quietly, deliberately, so she can’t misunderstand him. “I know I never said it at the time or when it mattered and it likely won’t mean anything now, but I mean it.”

“It’s all water under the bridge.” She responds, equally as quiet.

“Is it?” He asks with purpose. “Because I can’t shake the feeling that it’s like no time has passed at all. There’s so much about you now that is still the same as when I knew you all those years ago. The same passion, the same moral sense of duty, the same…smile. You’re still Gracie Thompson.”

“Atherton. It’s Atherton, Andy.”

“Some things don’t change, Gracie.” He says warmly in a tone she recognises but wishes she didn’t. “Like how I feel about you.”

She shifts uncomfortably in her seat, suddenly aware of where she is. She wonders if anyone around them is listening right now and judging her. Judging her for having this conversation with a man who evidently wasn’t her husband.

“I try not to regret things, it always seems like a waste of energy, but…” He says, thoughtfully, before that burning intensity in his eyes returns and she unexpectedly feels exposed in front of him. “I hate that I never told you how sorry I was. For everything. I hate that I just left when you needed me. I know I can never take that back, but-”

“-Andy, don’t-”

“-I’m just so sorry, Gracie. I wish I could go back and be there for you. When you asked for me to come and I didn’t. It breaks my heart to think about what you were going through with your mom and that I just left you there…”

He shakes his head like he’s trying to rid himself of guilt that had been building up inside him all these years.

It was unexpected, that he felt this way. She hears him sniff away a tear and the jagged breath that usually follows when you’re trying not to cry, a feeling she knew all too well.

She didn’t quite have it in her to alleviate him of the pain he was now feeling. Not for any cruel reason, like she thought he deserved to feel that way or anything, because she had been there, too, and it was not pleasant. She just didn’t know what to say to him because she never knew what to say to herself in these moments either.

He straightens up a little in his armchair, like he was becoming aware of how public this setting was. He wished they could be somewhere else right now. Anywhere else.

“I didn’t think you would remember.” She says, finally, and he feels the punch to his gut.

“Of course, I remember. I’ve never forgotten. It’s the one thing I regret the most.” He shakes his head again. “I’ve…missed you. That’s all I can say. Finding you again after all these years just felt fortuitous in some way, that maybe I could make everything right between us.”

Confusion and alcohol start to cloud her brain.

“You got me this job?” She asks.

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t get him to do anything. Jack isn’t like that.” He defends himself when he realises how it must now look to her. “Honestly, your record and your career speaks for itself. That’s why he offered you the position.”

“Right.” She said rather coldly. “OK. Well, thanks for clearing that up.”

She rubs at her forehead, sobering up faster than she’d like to, and places the empty glass down on the table in front of them. It clashes loudly with the glass tabletop but no one notices or turns to look at where the sound comes from.

“I really need to go. It’s getting late and I need to collect Liv early in the morning.”

She makes a move to leave the table and he doesn’t know what to do to stop her.

“Gracie…”

“Thanks for the drink, Andy. I’ll see you on Monday.”

She walks away and doesn’t look back. She doesn’t look back at any point from the bar to the lobby, to the elevators and all the way back up to her floor to her room. Although now her room didn’t feel as safe as it did hours before when she didn’t know he was in the same building.

She at least made it back before the tears started, but the release doesn’t make her feel any better. Not even with the door firmly shut and eleven floors separating them both.

Her laptop was open and showing a screensaver of her and Dan, her various work papers piled to the side. She snaps down the lid and leans on the table, willing her heartbeat to return to normal. Yet another broken night of sleep ahead when she needed it the least, she groans.

She knows she should switch the light off. She knows she could pull back the covers and crawl as far underneath as possible, just like she did when she was a kid in the vain hope of washing away the day so she might be able to get up and start again in the morning. Maybe pretend it had all been a dream or some kind of waking nightmare. She knows she needs to push this all to the back of her mind and concentrate on the things that she can control. She knows it’s all pointless now.

She knows who’s knocking at her door.

She swallows and feels the pounding in her chest get heavier. Nothing could prepare her for the eyes staring back at her when she eventually cracks the door open moments later.

Without a single word, Andy pushes himself inside forcing her back a few steps, and closes the door behind him. She waits for him to speak but no words come out. Just his blue eyes gazing back at her, so bright and alive even in the apparent darkness of their surroundings.

He slowly takes the last few steps towards her and closes their gap. She feels oddly calm now and sober as he looks down at her. She watches his eyes flick between hers and her lips, and his hand reaches up to gently caress the side of her face. He traces his thumb tenderly across her bottom lip like he’s thinking of some sweet memory from years gone by and refamiliarizing himself with her all over again.

A brief recollection of standing in his office late at night flashes in her mind and without even registering what he’s doing to her, she feels 19 all over again.

When he decides he’s had enough of wasting time, he kisses her. A whisper-like kiss at first, soft and sweet with the faint air of expensive whisky melting between them both. When she doesn’t pull away, he presses their lips together a little harder and she feels his hands connect softly with her face again, his tongue lightly swiping across her bottom lip in the hope that she’ll allow him what he so desperately wants.

And so, she does.

Even after so many years apart, Andy helped her forget about everything. Family, her work, studies…everything seemed to melt away with him. If she had been stronger, perhaps more awake, she would have stopped what happened next, but he was right.

Some things never change.

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