#I have otp feels nobody touch me!!!!

[userlaylivia]

BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW EVERYTHING JESS BECAME LATER ON IS BECAUSE RORY INSPIRED HIM???? SHE TOLD HIM HE COULD BE AND DO ANYTHING HE WANTED TO AND HE BECAME A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE OF HER!!!!! I AM SOBBING HONESTLY!!!!! HE WROTE A BOOK ALL BECAUSE OF HER INFLUENCE AND BELIEF IN HIM!!!!!

[multishipperofgaydeadwizards]

oKaY listen! Jegulus is my OTP and I LOVE me some Bartylus too, but REGULUS & PANDORA 🥹🥹🥹

My babies!!!

Just that they understand each other in a way nobody else can and and and AHHH

1. Okay first of all: SHIP NAMES

Their most common one is Regdora which - kinda boring? Like it’s not bad, but when we have names like STARCHASER or NOBLEFLOWER or FLOWERPOT for other ships that just won’t do. Therefore my suggestion:

Stargazer

Because Star - Regulus (no explanation needed) and like gazer as kind of a synonym for seer?? Alternatively I have Starseer or Waterbox (Water for Reggie like in Moonwater + Pandoras Box yk), but Stargazer just sounds so Stargazer.

2. I OBVIOUSLY love them as an „Arranged Marriage I don’t want AT ALL (why are there butterflies in my stomache??) trope“, BUT also as the „we are queer best friends and jealous of each others partners, but idk why” trope!!

Also how many AMAZING Dynamics they have??

- Grumpy x Sunshine

- I hate everyone, but you and you love everyone, but you love me the most

- Soulmates

- Best Friends to Lovers

- ENEMIES TO LOVERS (Arranged marriage trope)

3. The DENIAL the both of them would have (especially when they are both seers) like:

„I saw a prophecy that showed me and Reggie in a Cottage with a child that could be related to us - MUST BE BECAUSE HES THE GODFATHER“

„Had a Dream abt Panda standing in front of me in a wedding gown - GOOD TO KNOW IM GONNA BE HER BEST MAN“

DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN??🥹

or the Arranged Marriage Trope??

„Dream Abt making out against a door with Regulus - HOW WEIRD”

“Wow Pandora looks like a goddess in that dress, her glare makes me feel fuzzy and I want to smooth the frown on her forehead with my fingers while she looks up at me - IVE GOTTA REALLY LIKE THAT DRESS TO THINK LIKE THAT”

4. Once they ACTUALLY start dating they would literally be inseparable. They would cuddle and kiss and talk 24/7! Even their me-time they both need turns into us-time and is just as effective. They would start to panic if they don’t see each other for more than a DAY. Also their dates would be sooo cute!! No matter whether it would be the cozy queer cafe around the corner or the flashy pureblood dance balls. They would have such a comfy aura and nobody would mind their pda cause they would be so comfortable with each other.

Sometimes they would just spend a day in absolute silence but a COZY COMFY DOMESTIC ONE yk???

Also the “I hate physical touch except for when it’s you” trope!!

5. Just then going to a pride parade together with matching outfits in like their 30s, already married and a bi flag on Reggie’s cheeks and a Pan one on Dora’s and they would be so PROUD.

Or just the courting process in the arranged marriage trope PEAK!!

6. They are love. They are soulmates. They are Stargazer (or Waterbox still unsure bout that one)

This got WAY longer than I originally intended but oh well :)

REGDORA!!! FAIRYSEEKER!!! MY LOVES <33333

you don't understand how much I adore them. I love love love them. they're my everything's <3 my hunnies <3 my sweet little babies <3

okay so, 1. I actually don't mind the name regdora, but yes, it's blant and ugly compared to everything else. personally, I know them as fairyseeker, which is what you can find them under on my blog lmao. stargazer is a GORGEOUS ship name... though I think of regularly every time I hear it lmao

i LOVE the name waterbox. idk why I just adore it

2. yesssssssss!!! istg they have the best troupes (next to bartylily). them as arranged marriage partners sounds so fun. imagine they're just kids when they first meet, and they're told they're supposed to get married when they grow up to combine the rosiers/lestranges

at first, they don't mind (they're tiny and have no idea what being married even means). they start hogwarts, and both realise that they're into their same gender people (once again, i bring up my mtf dora + ftm reg). so both spend a lot of time just convinced they aren't into each other. reg is a lesbian after all, and pandora is gay... then they come out as trans and both are like: oh-

3. grumpy x sunshine is so them omfg

them bith as seers???? Christ. them being so fucking blind is just so fitting. they never even consider that they might like each other

them as oblivious little fuckers so true. they are in deep denial fr. regulus is foaming out the mouth at how pandora is, but it's completely platonic

4. HSEIBSIEBSOENSO YESS OMFG

All they need is each other. they're always together, getting one of them alone is impossible. you can try, and you will fail

that trope is SO them. it's insane

5. they would definitely love their time at a pride parade. they're having the time of their lives and they've been happier

6. I love it when asks go this long. it just sucks because I usually can't add anything on because you guys are just so correct already 😮‍💨

thank you for sharing your brain with me. I appreciate it a lot <3

[hello-nichya-here]

Let’s be real. The only reason toxic Zutarians and delusional Zukkas became so rampant is for the same reason.

Zutararians and Zukkas are two generations of the same issue.

Maiko is written so incoherently and Mai gets no development of her own. Zuko and her are a terrible match and treat each other poorly (I know the fandom can’t agree which one is at fault but I don’t think it matters).

Fans searching for a more satisfying conclusion of the fandom fav Zuko stumble into the waiting clutches of Zutarians or Zukkas who bombard them with their terrible takes, OOC writing, and admittedly beautiful fan art. Before you know it, they lose touch with actual canon.

This is all Bryke’s fault for writing Maiko terribly.

And yet people blame Zucest… nonsense!

Anon, I don't mean to be rude, but you're just wrong all around. Not only do I not think Maiko is terrible (might not be my OTP, but I am fond of it), but even if it WAS and fans had to rely on fanon for good romance, that does NOT explain or justify the way Zutarians and Zukkas not only act like their personal preference is objectively better than everyone else's but also actively lie to themselves and others about their ships totally being secretly canon but screwed over at the last second.

They do that for one reason alone: Entitlement. They're entitled, spoiled cry babies who screetch at anyone with a different preference because they take it as a personal attack.

Bryke writting Maiko any differently would not have made these people less insufferable. Hell, their ships hapenning in the exact way they wanted them to would also not do the trick, if anything it'd make them worse.

It doesn't matter what you think about Bryke as writers and people, or how you feel about the canon ships: The bad behavior of Zutara and Zukka fans is the responsibility of Zutara and Zukka fans, nobody else.

I don't like Legend Of Korra or the comics. Never sent a death threat to the people who made them. Never harassed fans of it or had them doxxed. I love Zucest to unhealthy degrees, but you won't see me claiming "There was totally a deleted scene of them kissing in the finale instead of fighting, but evil Bryke ruined it all, and if you don't believe my obvious bullshit I'll scream at you until I'm blue in the face!"

I LOATHE the ending of How I Met Your Mother with all my being, and resent the showrunners for being such dicks to fans and complaining we didn't praise their terrible writting. I would NEVER accuse them of abusing their authority over the actors and being predators just because I disagree with awful messages the finale sent - something zutarians do Kataang and Maiko fans ALL THE TIME.

It's really, really, really, really easy to not do that kind of stuff.

Be critical of Bryke and their writting, have whatever opinion you wanna have on Maiko, but let's not pretend writers/showrunners are to blame for FANS attacking people.

It'd be like going "Oh, this actress and her fans got death threats because audiences didn't like her character, clearly this is the writers fault for mishandling said character" NOPE, the blame of that kind of awful behavior ALWAYS lies solely with the people who choose to act like that.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Dazai?

Eheh Dazai

Favorite thing about them: I really like how as a character he was able to deeply touch so many people!! Seeing so many people finding relief in being able to relate to and emphasize with the character makes me happy.

Least favorite thing about them: I mean, his personality? I don't like how his many flaws are written to be interpreted as strong points / good traits for his character to the point no flaw is actually a flaw, it makes the reading experience very frustrating for me.

Favorite line:

brOTP: Mmmmhh, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about Dazai. Soukoku, probably. The Buraiha trio makes me emotional a little. Souheki, but in a very passive-aggressive, over-competitive, one-sided rivality, can't-stand-each-other way. Dazai and Kyouka. Dazai and Atsushi too I suppose, though I prefer them romantically. I think he makes for a lot of interesting dynamics with virtually all the characters, but none compells me in particular tbh.

OTP: Odazai is plain canon to me, idk what to tell you. I think they make for a beautiful, tragic love story. Get you a man who is willing to change the path of his whole life for another man just like that, nobody does it like them (actually, wait, I can think of another man... ). Although I always distantly liked them, dazatsu has grown on me like, an INSANE amount in the last few months. I'm not sure what happened. I think it was an unfortunate (lol) coincidence of growing a little fonder of Dazai and just wanting to give more space and agenda to Atsushi. Like to me a lot of what dazatsu is really is about giving Atsushi more agency and autonomy and independence and overall just respecting him as a complex, full fleshed out character. I don't see ANY kind of power imbalance in it I keep finding people talk about. Dazai pushes Atsushi to be better every day, and Atsushi does exactly the same for Dazai. Atsushi admires and respects Dazai, and Dazai admires and respects Atsushi equally. I really don't know why the ship isn't more popular and instead just gets discarded most of the time tbh. I feel like everyone should sit down a second and actually give Atsushi the dignity to choose for himself. And fyozai!!! The investment in this ship mostly goes on waves for me but despite that I firmly believe that they really make for an engaging and interesting dynamic to be interpreted romantically. The epitome of “You're both just enabling each other's mental illnesses. You're both perfect for each other. Never change. Just never involve anybody else in what you've got going on.”

nOTP: Nothing comes to my mind.

Random headcanon: Not canon related, but in modern aus I feel like he'd be one to always end up working at ceo roles and he would HATE it. He fires himself and starts working at some cheap frozen yogurt place and one month later he'll find himself as the ceo of the most important oil company of the country AGAIN without him even realizing it / despite his active efforts to avoid that. And he HATES IT. He fires himself again but the loop only repeats forever. He's just that kind of person for whom all doors open automatically.

Unpopular opinion: ............ I could be here forever. I regretfully fail to relate to a lot of characterization / readings of the character I've seen the fandom give him. I really don't want to dwell on this so I'll just mention something mostly unrelated to his characterization: I wholly can't share the take of him being physically built like??? At all??? Which got REALLY popular a few months ago. Dude feels like he never lifted a finger his whole life, I really don't know where the idea comes from???? And I personally don't take his manga visual portrayal as a telling factor for this; pretty much all the characters have the same body type, it's impossible for me to base the buff Dazai assumption on how he's drawn in the manga. Just one thing about his chracter though stop making him matchmaker for ss/kk he really isn't stop don't do it please

Song i associate with them: HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE associating him with my favourite vocaloid song ever but. Meltdown by iroha is a very Dazai song. So many other songs though... Parade of Liars by ryo. Abstract Nonsense by Neru. God-ish by Pinocchio-P. So on and so forth.

Favorite picture of them:

Favourite panel from the manga:

Favourite illustration:

Favourite illustration in the anime art style:

Favourite Mayoi card:

Send me a character?

[geekgirles]

If there's something you should know about me is that my go-to song for vibing with my OTPs is A contracorriente by Bustamante (mostly because the kind of ships I become obsessed with fit the general idea behind the song).

You can bet your sweet ass Yumalia is no exception, especially when the song has lines like:

"Que en la historia no hay nadie que cuente

De princesas con dementes"

"Nobody tells stories about princesses ending up with madmen"

"Ella es bella flor de primavera

Y yo una burda enredadera"

"She's a beautiful spring flower and I'm a coarse vine"

"Pero el corazón no entiende

Cuando la pasión lo asalta

Y logra de la nada lo imposible realizar

Nadé a contracorriente y aposté por nada

Jugué a cruzar el puente en solo una jugada

Y vine a descubrir que del amor se puede hacer un sueño realidad

Soñé a tocar el cielo sin tener alas

Y pude alzar el vuelo tras su piel dorada

Y ahora que te tengo cada madrugada

Sé que no hay reglas para amar

Alguien dijo el corazón no miente

Cuando es de verdad lo que se siente

Si el amor ataca de repente

No se piensa con la mente

Las apuestas van de veinte a cero

Y en la noche me robé un lucero

Es la historia de un amor sincero

Ella me ama y yo la quiero"

"But the heart does not understand

When passion assaults it

And makes the impossible come true out of nothing

I swam against the tide and gambled for nothing

I played to cross the bridge in just one move

And I came to discover that love can make a dream come true

I dreamed of touching the sky without wings

And I could take flight behind your golden skin

And now that I have you every dawn

I know there are no rules to love

Someone said the heart doesn't lie

When what you feel is real

If love strikes suddenly

You don't think with your mind

The stakes were twenty to zero

And in the night I stole a star

It's the story of a love that's true

She loves me and I love her"

Do you see my vision?? The longing, the euphoria after overcoming insurmountable odds and getting to be with the woman you love, the mentions of spending the nights together and how it all makes it feel more real, the impulsiveness love causes in all of us and that Yugo had to fight off because of his fears, the references to royalty and plants!!!

If this song doesn't have Yumalia written all over it, then I'll buy a cowboy hat and eat it.

[dangermousie]

Farscape rewatch: Liars Guns and Money - 2x19-2x21 - meta part the first...

Liars, Guns and Money is my second favorite multiparter in all of Farscape, behind only We Are Screwed in season 4. Interestingly, they both involve Crichton on the ragged edge of sanity and a rescue of one member of the OTP by the other, willing to do anything it takes. 

In LGM it's Aeryn willing to do anything (including offering anything (by implication herself)) to get Crais to help to rescue John. In WASS it's John selling his soul to Scorpius. And of course, the insanity in LGM is literal but in WASS it's because John derails utterly when Aeryn is in danger. Before I get to character interactions, I want to mention how much I love the set design for these eps. The gorgeous golds and deep reds, and misty greys? 

Crichton has a huge self-sacrificial complex. When Scorpius offers to give back D'Argo's son in exchange for Crichton, he has no idea how effective a carrot he is dangling in front of John (and Scorpius never truly learns, does he, perhaps because he’s hampered by the fact that he’d sacrifice himself for nobody. He is hoping for D’Argo to turn John over, he’s not thinking Crichton would do it himself.) 

It's Crichton's own private way of self-destructing. He is, in a lot of ways, walking with so much guilt (because he cannot reconcile what he had become with his inner moral compass of his upbringing) and in a way the only value he sees is as 'victim' to other. Part of the reason he latches on to Aeryn so desperately is because of that same sense of guilt and nullity. She is his one link to sanity: I love the scene in the depository where he is completely losing it and he grabs her and desperately kisses her, as if she is his long drink of water, as if doing so clears his head. 

And he tries to tell her about his feelings but also about Scorpius, and he’s falling apart so hard and it’s painful to watch.

This is so Aeryn btw...and so John.

It’s actually a funny exchange that turns heartbreaking later on, as so many Farscape jokes tend to, when she really is ready to kill him later if that is the best outcome:

And even more horrifyingly, John actually ends up begging to be killed at the end of the three parter, something he was trying to avoid becoming the most he is hoping for and still beyond him:

https://dangermousie.tumblr.com/post/723680562432376832/still-sorting-through-my-million-caps-and-thoughts

I love how his love for Aeryn helps him navigate both trauma and insanity. In practical ways - like when he cannot coat Scorpius’ rods with explosives because the chip is fighting him, she does it for him but also in more intangible ways. Aeryn is the only one who is important enough to get through (of course when, as in DMD, even she finally cannot, that is when tragedy occurs). And that is true in later seasons, no matter how obsessed or catatonically destroyed he becomes (I am thinking of the end of PKW when it's Aeryn and his child who bring him out). Oh, and that scene when he desperately and incoherently wants to tell her how he feels. Because he can feel his inner self slipping and it feels as if it's almost the last chance. And she tells him he doesn't have to say it and his face where this is no comfort but a disappointment because he wanted to so badly. 

And the end of that part 1, kills me...when he tells her, so quietly and stumblingly, sounding so incredibly vulnerable 'I meant what I said...didn't say' (and he’s not even trying to say what it is, he’s beyond that) and she says she knows and it’s gentle and he is actually at peace with that now because this time he can process that she really does know. And she pulls his head down and puts it on her shoulder (this is such a their thing, he did it to her earlier; and I can’t tell you how much I needed the scene have that moment of touch-comfort at that moment). He is this beautiful broken thing, so far from what he started as but for a brief moment at peace. 

[leffee]

Vinnil headcannons?👀

OTP OTP OTP STUPID ASS OTP UGGGGH I LOVE THEM and this ask has been here for way too long why didn't I answer it before I'm so sorry, your emoji eyes are so appealing. But tbh I am finally free because I decided that I won't study anymore for now even though I should but I so don't feel like it. Anyway:

it's been made clear that Sunil doesn't want to be a doctor (and you know, canonically he's also a mangoose so), and I don't want to force him, but in a universe where he does on his own decide to be a doctor, Vinnie would do everything to become a nurse. Nobody believed at first that he would be able to even study enough to do that because he's Vinnie, but holy shit he's determined as hell. If studying hard for few years gets him to be close to Sunil for the rest of his live he will clench his ass and do it,

as soon as Vinnie meets someone knew and the basic introductions happens he's like "Okay, but lemme me tell you about my amazing boyfriend Sunil, so..." and he won't stop,

to nobody's surprise their favourite activity together is cuddling, shocker, I know,

also a looot of the time Vinnie can be found in one way or another clinging to Sunil, in the not touching ground way. It's one thing if he sits on his shoulders or back, but sometimes he will just wrap all his limbs around Sunil's torso and that's that, he's not coming off,

fuccc top Sunil and bottom Vinnie but not in a sexual sense, you know what I mean? Oh I'm so not okay, but I guess it's best to make it clear now than later,

look, there's nothing more delightful than their height difference and I usually try to keep those around as they are in the show, but not gonna lie, I'm a sucker for keeping Vinnie the same, but just, making Sunil above 2 meters (or 6'5 for you American folk. I have no idea what I'm talking about actually, is that how you write that?), basically I need at least a foot of height difference between those two.

Vinnie is such a lifeline for Sunil whenever he's worrying or feeling anxious. I personally don't headcanon him with anxiety as in mental illness, just excessive worrying but still within norm really. So when he does feel like it, Vinnie will take care of all he can, especially when it comes to social interactions (even if he's feeling not too good himself, but he won't say it). It's just that Sunil is SO important to him, it doesn't matter how he's feeling or what's going on, if it helps Sunil, he will do it

what I'm really saying is that Vinnie would die for him, he's 100% certain of it

I just want them to live in one dorm room is that so wrong

I'm heavily biased :] and scared

[anartificialsatellite]

For the ask meme, how about my old OTP trifecta? (aka ‘dysfunctional inlaw time’)

Romerica

GerIta

PruCan

And some other ships for fun…

Cuba x Canada

Ameripan

PruIta

AmeIta

PruHun

I just realized that a bunch of my old fics seem to have been purged from FFnet… Whoops. It looks like my old LJ is still up, though. I’ll DM you the link.

It's cute! I haven't thought too much about it past that. I think there's some potential there.

I dig this one. I should probably be further on the makes sense axis actually, it's pretty much default for me for both of them to the point that when I do ship/write Germany with other people, it's pretty common that there's an open or at least sort of fluid on-again-off-again thing with Italy in the background, if that makes sense. (I tend towards feeling nations don't do monogamy very well but ymmv.)

I don't wike it. Sorry. :(

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about either of these characters. It makes some sense tho!

For Ameripan see this one.

It's kinda cute! But the GerIta brainrot is so ingrained in me it's hard for me to get into this one.

This one is also kinda cute! But it's hard for me to see it, I'm not totally sure why. I guess the loud friendly idiot (affectionate) thing from both of them is too much in the same ship for me to get into it any further than this?

It's not quite Ameripan for me but it's fucking close. I'm crazy about this ship, I love it so muhc, nobody touch me i'm having a moment

[luthien-under-bough]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Tagged by @girlwithakiwi

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

97! I am scratching and clawing my way toward 100 this year.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

537,646 *probably at least 400k of that is Daemyra

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Almost exclusively House of the Dragon/ASOIAF since HOTD s1 aired and Daemyra consumed my life.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

i got a bad desire (baby i'm on fire) - Daemyra modern AU multi-chapter (WIP)

ain't nobody hurt you like i hurt you  - Daemyra modern AU multi-chapter (complete)

better not touch (i want it too much) - Daemyra modern AU multi-chapter (complete)

...anyone noticing a theme? 👀

I found some hate for you, just for show - Daemyra canon divergence oneshot

do you feel the hunger? - Daemyra canon divergence oneshot

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to respond to all of them! Sometimes I get behind, but I usually get to them by the time I post a new chapter, at least.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uhh probably i've looked at clouds from both sides now. Even though only one of the major characters dies, it somehow still feels angstier than the literal necrophilia fic where they both die.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I feel like most of my other fics have a happy ending? Both of the completed multi-chaps I linked above definitely do.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I occasionally get a rude comment, but I have no qualms about being a dick or just deleting/blocking. I have gotten a few tumblr anons that made me roll my eyes, but any hate I get has been firmly a THEM problem and not a ME problem. Haters stay pressed. 💅

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

It's a rare day when I do not write smut. I write all kinds. Since writing in the Daemyra fandom, my list of "hard no's" when it comes to writing has rapidly diminished; it seems like every other day I discover a new kink that makes my brain do a record-scratch. I started writing fic again in 2020, and published baby's first smut shortly thereafter, but it was fairly standard stuff. Now I'm like "well if you aren't literally digesting your lover, is it really romance??!"

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

The only crossover I've written is a House of the Dragon/Naked Attraction crackfic that infected my brain during the depths of binge of the latter show.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Only one that I know of - someone copy/pasted all of do you really feel alive without me into different chapters of their ""fic"".

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

for our blood is restless was translated into Russian here.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. My writing process is chaotic and inconsistent and I would not inflict that on another writer. I'm also very particular about what I do and do not want to write, as well as my prose, so I don't think co-writing is for me. If we don't like to break the rules of English grammar in the exact same way, I'm afraid we won't be able to get along.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

I mean, I think it's pretty obvious. 😅 Daemon Targaryen/Rhaenyra Targaryen (House of the Dragon) has only been my OTP for <2 years, but they are already my all time favorite. Prior to that, it was Dramione (Harry Potter), Cullen Rutherford/Female Inquisitor (Dragon Age: Inquisition), and Aloy/Avad (Horizon Zero Dawn).

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Not technically a single WIP, but I always meant to add more stories to my collection of Cullen/Inquisitor Dragon Age fics (most of which I posted during Swoon June 2022). It's possible I'll experience another burst of inspo for that fandom when Dragon Age: Dreadwolf finally comes out, but I'm pretty firmly entrenched in Daemyra for the foreseeable future.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, characterization, ANGST. I think my smut is pretty hot. Idk I generally like everything about my writing. That's why I keep doing it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Uhhh anything to do with plotting or planning. We thrive on vibes here. ✌️

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Beyond the occasional word or phrase in High Valyrian for my HOTD/ASOIAF fics, I cannot be bothered. Italics and a dialogue tag do me just fine.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

This changes semi-regularly, but my current favorite is one that I'm actively writing - a Daemyra early marriage canon divergence (milk teeth). Also because I just re-read this the other night - surrender (a rare non-Daemyra HOTD fic).

No pressure tags: @anamazingangie, @ar-feyniel, @grandlovescheme, @crimson-tulip, @bluegoldrose

[i-did-not-mean-to]

Healing

@elentarial, a new acquaintance and an extraordinary writer, has requested my beloved OTP and it was a pleasure to write it.

Be advised, this ficlet will be NSFW and will contain the smut prompt "Ruined orgasm".

Words: 1287

Characters: Maedhros x Fingon (the Fëanorians, Cara my beloved, Nienna and Estë)

Warnings: NSFW, smut, sexual touching, interruptions and sadness

(And yes, they are STILL half-cousins, it bears repeating)

Findekáno had forgotten how impressive—or in other words, loud—his half-uncle's sons truly were.

Even from behind a sturdy column, he could make out Kanafinwë's vocalising and Turcafinwë's thundering steps.

Overcome with yearning, he abandoned the safety of the deep shadows in favour of a more advantageous position from which he could observe the slow procession of the condemned as they filed into the main room of the hushed healing chambers.

It had been too long since last he had laid eyes upon Nelyafinwë—cousin, friend, and lover—and nobody had ever dubbed him "Fingon the Patient" after all.

Unmindful of their purposefully drab and grey surroundings, the eldest sons padded noiselessly into the circular room to ponder their imminent choice of a secluded pool.

Already, Findekáno thought himself safe and unnoticed, but then, Morifinwë's ghostly gaze settled on him with the fierce coolness of unsheathed steel.

Findekáno could not help feeling that a distinct ripple of disappointment and dismay flashed across the usually so stern face of his kinsman.

"Have you come to gawk at our misery?" he hissed in a tone so low and thrumming that not even Curufinwë the Younger caught his words as he pushed past his brother with an annoyed grunt.

The fact that the impatient ferocity of the Fëanorians had in no way abated after their demise made Findekáno smile involuntarily.

"No," he then replied—his own voice was just a little too loud and too desperate and he half-expected to find one of the Valier at his elbow to shush him. "Forgive me for grinning—it is good to see you all."

Morifinwë frowned, cocking his head.

"So you all keep saying," he mumbled, throwing furtive glances down the many tunnels and passageways through which his brothers had disappeared.

"I take it that you've come to spy on Nelyo then?" he asked in a rasping voice that betrayed a level of empathy Findekáno had not thought him capable of hitherto.

Startled, he nodded.

"Very well," came the forcibly dispassionate answer. "As the oldest—and the most damaged by far, as you'll soon learn—he usually takes the gloomy pool down that slippery path here."

Morifinwë pointed at a barely visible gash in the solid stone wall—it gaped like a voracious, foreboding maw, but Findekáno, whose epithet had indeed been "the Valiant", was undaunted by the unpromising portal.

"Have a care," Morifinwë called after him, "it would not do to startle Nelyo out of his mind by sliding right into his lap."

After a moment of frantic thought and connecting the dots, he grunted, "Or that might be exactly what both of you need. What do I know? In hopes not to meet you in the near future, I bid you goodbye, son of Ñolofinwë."

Without sparing another glance at the intruder, he floated away in that stiff, slightly ungainly manner that was so uniquely his own.

Shaking his head to dispel the surge of paralysing fondness within his breast, Findekáno rushed through the chamber as quietly as he could and all but threw himself down the narrow shaft leading to the remotest but also least charming of the healing pools.

The first thing he saw was the mesmerising gleam of Nelyafinwë’s hair—Findekáno had always admired and loved the way that radiant red turned into a deeper, darker tone when wet.

It was not clear what had given him away—the rhythm of his steps or the small hum of awe—but, without so much as turning around, the hunched-over creature in the pool spoke his name.

Neither a question nor an accusation, the single word sounded like a prayer spoken while in deep sleep.

“Forgive my intrusion,” Findekáno said hastily, “I could bear no longer to be kept apart from my heart’s desire.”

“Leave now,” Nelyafinwë whispered, “before the realisation of how little of what you’ve once loved is left destroys the fleeting remnant of affection you might yet hold for me.”

Shrugging out of his robe with frantic determination, Findekáno threw himself into the pool—water rose in outraged columns and splashed the oppressive walls of the small cave.

“I love you still, I always shall,” he panted as he grabbed the tall redhead by the shoulders to spin him around. “Whatever happened—nothing could ever change that. Oh, Russo!”

As he finally beheld that face—weary and pale—he had dreamed of throughout his whole life and every moment after its end, he could no longer hold back the sobs of intermingled pain and relief.

“Maitimo you were and still are,” he declared huskily, letting his eager hands soak up the coolness of Nelyafinwë’s skin by caressing every inch of it he could reach.

When surprisingly warm lips alighted on his gasping mouth, Findekáno surged against the other, ready to lock him into an eternal embrace.

“My sweet love,” he huffed, breathing in the powdery smell of Nelyafinwë’s throat greedily and hooking one leg around a shapely, svelte thigh in a bid for more friction.

Aeons of separation and rivers of blood melted like the last snow in spring between them—they had known each other intimately for much too long for this clumsy, frantic intermezzo of colliding hips and clashing mouths to be anywhere near satisfactory, but Findekáno found himself unable to even contemplate letting go of his beloved for fear that he’d dissolve like a being of mist and smoke.

“I should have…” he groaned as he felt the familiar heat wash through his system. “I didn’t know whether…”

Words became impossible to summon as long, pale arms closed around him and the smooth heat of Nelyafinwë’s arousal brushed against his own.

“We’ve started like that,” the reluctant revenant whispered. “Do you remember? It’s only fitting that we’d retrace our steps to the time before we turned into monsters.”

The sloshing water prevented any real resistance, and both soon whimpered in frustration as they vainly slid against one another without finding the necessary purchase to push each other over the edge.

Nevertheless, the comfortingly unintrusive game of heated glances and passing touches was too sweet and healing for either one of them to desist.

“I’ve missed you,” Nelyafinwë confessed breathily as a particularly successful stroke made them both shiver in heart-stopping delight. “I was not ready…”

Even as he spoke those words, he knew that he had been lying to himself—he had been terrified that the love he kept in a shrine of memory within his own hardened heart had been lost forevermore.

Dispossessed as he was, Nelyafinwë had not been ready or willing to witness this ultimate loss that would have left him hollow and hurt beyond hope of repair or redemption.

Between the overwhelming joy at this timely reunion and the torturous fire of long-forgotten arousal, their minds and bodies seemed to no longer care that this uncoordinated fumbling was hardly what their lovemaking had once amounted to.

Progressively, delicious tension and blinding light were building up inexorably behind their fluttering lids and within their taut, thrumming muscles.

“I am here,” came the insistent answer but—just as Findekáno reached between them to encircle their engorged cocks with a guiding hand to bring them to completion—someone cleared their throat discreetly.

“While we encourage all kinds of healing,” Estë enunciated softly, “we’d much prefer if you did not soil the healing springs thus.”

“You’ve also occupied this pool for quite some time,” Nienna added, mercy flowing from her ever-weeping eyes, “so, might I suggest a peaceful cabin?”

At once, the two lovers sprang apart, gaping at the two ladies looking upon them with patient amusement.

“A towel, a bed, and a door,” Nienna whispered gently, “doesn’t that sound better than…this?”

@fellowshipofthefics here's another spicy one. 3/3 done.

@elentarial Thank you endlessly for this amazing prompt. This was so much fun to write!

-> Masterlist

[realreulbbrband]

the queen herself, victoria (character ask)

Oh, the most wonderful girl thank you!!

Why I like them

Her solos are some of the most mesmerizing parts of the show for me, and I would love to see them live. There's just this softness and grace about her that's very comforting.

Why I don’t

The entire 2019 Mr. Mistoffelees number was unbearably cringy for me as much as I like the film but particularly when she started singing. It was giving disney zombies....

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

I have three.

One of my first favorite scene is actually from Warsaw where she's dancing with the stars. It really goes back to her connection to the moon that nobody else seems to have.

Alternatively, I love this scene where Jemima wants to approach Grizabella and brings Victoria along with her, and Victoria hesitantly looks back but decides to go along with Jem. They both scatter off when Jenny forbids them from touching Grizabella but I love how it nods back to how they're two half's of a hole.

And of course, one of the softest parts in the show for me and in my opinion one of Victoria's best moments.

Favorite season/movie

I Like Victoria in all versions of cats' media!! even when she's less prominent like in shiki. But for favorites I'll say standard version, 2019 film and broadway revival.

Favorite line

We're doing 2019 for this since Victoria doesn't have any solo lines.

"But at least you have beautiful ghosts."

I know a lot of people don't like this song and the criticisms for it and Victoria's character are fair, but I do think this sort of naive condescend-Iness works as a flaw for her. She doesn't mean harm, she want's to cheer up Grizabella and show that they're similar but ends up making Grizabella still feel isolated just like the jellicles.

Favorite outfit

I've grown to like the white / gold Victoria costume quite a bit but here's some designs I'm fond of:

OTP

Ah, ok so I've been convinced a little but don't be mad please. 2019 verse and standard stage verse is with Rumpleteazer but revival verse is with Plato. I don't why or how that happened either but yea I hope that makes sense.

Brotp

Mistoffelees recently, but mostly with Jemima. Again, two halves of a whole.

Head Canon

She worries a lot about injuries since she's aware about how delicate bones are and how a significant injury could hinder her dancing. So, she tends to watch her surroundings and positing more carefully than others.

Unpopular opinion

Hypothetically, I wouldn't mind if more non-reps went the warsaw/shiki route and didn't have Vitoria do a pas de deux but instead had a different solo involving the stars/moon.

A wish

More non-replica's to go all out with her design. Really emphasize the ballerina part of her look.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen

probably losing her connection to the Jellicle moon, if she can't feel it at all she'll probably panic and assume something's wrong. If you want to look at it from a monochromatic sibling's angle, then she would've lost the one thing that made her "special" in comparison to her brother.

6 words to best describe them

HER WORDS they're perfect

Innocent, Romantic, Unselfconscious, Young, Inhibited, Inquisitive

My nickname for them

Again, I don't use character nicknames. But Vic<3

[bradshawsbaby]

Hi there! For the November OTP prompts, how about 29 - "Why me?" + Hannix?

Hope you're having a good weekend! ❤️

Hope you enjoy, love! And hope you’re having a wonderful weekend as well! ❤️

Jake Seresin wasn’t a man who second guessed himself. He never questioned or doubted. He knew he was the best of the best. In every relationship he’d ever been in, he had never wondered why the girl he was dating would have chosen to be with him. In his cockier moments, he’d even have said she was lucky to be with him.

But that was before Natasha Trace.

What they had was still so new, so fragile. Though he scarcely wanted to admit it, there was a part of him that was terrified that it was all going to come crashing down, that she would walk away and leave his heart in pieces, the way he’d done to so many of those girls from the past. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to recover from that.

As he’d watched her tonight, dancing with careless abandon in the club they’d gone to with the other members of the Dagger Squad, his heart had been in his throat. She was so beautiful, her dark hair whipping back and forth and her laughter echoing over the loud rhythm of the music. And he knew he wasn’t the only one who noticed. Almost every guy in the club had his eyes on her, which filled him with an indescribable rage, but also another strange and uncomfortable feeling. It settled in the pit of his stomach and made the hairs rise on the back of his neck. He felt…threatened.

He knew Phoenix loved him, but did he deserve that love? Would he able to keep her love forever?

The anxiety he was feeling must have shown because later that night, as he and Phoenix were lying in bed together, she reached out to lightly trace a fingertip down his cheek.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, resting her cheek against her pillow as she looked into his eyes.

“Why me?” he blurted out, unable to contain the question that had been burning painfully in his chest all night.

“What?” Phoenix’s eyes widened in surprise at his question. “What do you mean?”

“Why me, Phoenix? Of all the guys you could have, why would you choose me?” Hangman asked, hating the self-doubt in his words, but needing to know her answer all the same.

If possible, Phoenix’s eyes grew even wider at that. But then she tried to mask her surprise with a smile, poking him in the chest playfully. “I guess I just have a thing for challenges,” she teased.

“I mean it, Natasha,” he murmured, which sobered her. “You’re a beautiful, amazing woman. You could have your pick of any man you wanted. Why me?”

Face settling into a serious expression, Phoenix wrapped her arms around his neck and looked him dead in the eye. “I don’t want any other man, Jake. I want you. I love you.” She rested a hand on his cheek, stroking it softly with the pad of her thumb. “Nobody understands me like you do. Trust me that there was once a time when I never would have believed I’d be saying this, but you’re the only one for me, Jake Seresin.”

The knot that had been coiling in his stomach all evening loosened immediately and he took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment and inhaling the sweet scent of the woman lying beside him, the woman he loved. When he opened his eyes again, there she was, still lying beside him and gazing at him with an open expression of love.

He had never been one to second guess himself in relationships, but then again, he’d never had a relationship he couldn’t bear to lose. Not until Natasha. But her words and her touch had soothed the fear that had bubbled up inside him, replacing it with a warmth that settled securely under his ribs and slowly spread to the rest of his body.

“I love you. You know that?” Smiling, he ran a hand down her arm, his fingers trailing over her smooth skin.

She nodded, grinning in return. “Yeah, I know. I love you, too.”

November OTP Writing Prompts

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

Hi! For the latest ask game (the list one) could I get your opinions on Korekiyo? If you haven't already done one that is!

I kinda stopped doing these (i'm sorry everyone who sent them in you're so nice T_T ) but I just got back from a thing all day and I'm feeling good so why not!!

favorite thing about them: The way he speaks!! The way he's clearly very smart and speaks with purpose while also being very ominous and offputting.. and also his english VA is just fantastic. It's what made me interested in him in the first place when i started playing the game

least favorite thing about them: 100% definitely the thing with his sister. End of trial 3 reveal. No question.

favorite line: It's gotta be a toss up between "Kehehe...what wonderful strength. You could likely crush a child's skull with ease." to Gonta (WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT GDHSJKHGJDKSF) and "I will tear out your nerves" to Kokichi in ch3 when he goes to touch the gold leaf katana ghdsjkfds

brOTP: Him and Kirumi hanging out makes me happy. They have a similar level of calmness that works really well together (not to mention that silly part in the anthology)

OTP: I dont really have any to be honest? Maybe with Angie

nOTP: Probably anything with Tenko or Himiko

random headcanon: Okay this is really specific but I think Korekiyo's pijamas are completely ridiculous (affectionate). I'm thinking this soft, almost faux leather type long sleeved button up shirt and pants combo, socks, gloves, sleeping cap, eye mask, and face mask, to the point that the only skin showing when he's asleep is like. A corner of his cheeks and his ears. This idea brings me a lot of joy

unpopular opinion: Not really an unpopular opinion I think but Im not sure. I feel like nobody really talks about the fact the korekiyo was a serial killer even before entering the game. This isn't even a bad thing, I dont think i see a lot of talk about character backstories in general, but it is something that sticks in my head sometimes when im drawing him

song i associate with them: I actually have a small personal korekiyo playlist (not on spotify) so a few but one of them is Until the Day You Die by Abney Park. Really really fantastic.

favorite picture of them: Honestly it might be the sequence of him setting up stuff for the caged child ritual. You can really see how tall he is in them, i find it fun

[echo-loves-flowerboy]

Echo's Extensive List of Greek Mythology Headcanons

Hermes and Iris race for fun in their free time (Hermes beats Iris but only because she lets him keep his magical shoes on)

Ares goes into full on protective older brother mode when someone makes fun of Hephaestos except when it's Aphrodite

Aphrodite and Eros scheme together over who should be the next OTP

Hera is a really sweet stepmom to her godly stepchildren after she gets over her initial grudge (that ones not 100% untrue, she's mostly pretty nice to them after she's gotten through her murdering phase, given the child survives that phase)

Ariadne got the ability to create powerful illusions and confusions in people heads after she married Dionysus (being the wife of the god of madness i think might give you that quirk also it fits the labyrinth)

Nyx scares the underworld out of everyone except her children and Selene who comes over for a drink every now and then (also not entirely unbased at some point she scares zeus away when he's after her kid Hypnos (mother of the year) Selene literally never interacts with her but i can imagine them gossiping like 40 y/o wine mums for some reason)

Thanatos is really touched by the people he has to take to the afterlife, when its a child he carries it in his arms or takes them by the hand the entire way into the underworld

Charon hums while he crosses Styx to cheer up the souls (it comes of as horribly creepy but he's trying his best you guys)

Whenever Persephone is in the underworld the place is full of colourful flowers cuz she thinks asphodels are too bland by themselves

Demeter keeps a collection of all the plants that used to be people until they were cursed/transformed to passive-agressivly assert dominance

Athena takes her owl everywhere she goes, unfortunately it's not very fond of mortals, Odysseus is freaking terrified of that bird

The nine muses have to approve and critique every piece of music Apollo writes, there usually isn't anything to critique but he still really values their opinion

Artemis constantly makes fun of her brother for being love sick but she keeps a box full of sweet dates under her place at the banquet table in case she needs to cheer him up

Artemis takes in girls that are survivors of abuse or assault and helps them get revenge on the pderson that wronged them even if they aren't virgins anymore

Apollo and Artemis constantly annoyed Helios and Selene when they were little like: Uncle Helios can i ride in the chariot with you? Dad said you have to let me come with you! Please, just for a little bit, I'm not gonna set anything on fire again, I promise!

Hestia is extremely gentle and soft spoken yet nobody dares to talk back to her or interrupt her (once again kinda plausible since she's the oldest, also both Apollo and Poseidon proposed marriage to her which she politely declined, there's zero consequences for that which is odd seeing how Apollo and Poseidon usually react to rejection)

Feel free to add your own lol

I know these are mostly completely unbased but I've been reading Greek mythology since I was like 4 and this is just what I imagined these characters would be like

Also! There's some lesser known gods on here so to clear up some confusion

Iris: Goddess of rainbows and messenger of the gods together with Hermes

Eros: God of love, Aphrodite's son

Ariadne: Dionysus' wife, helped Theseus beat the minotaur by helping him out of the labyrinth

Nyx: Goddess of the night

Thanatos: God of death (not the dead, that's Hades), son of Nyx

Charon: The ferryman that carries the dead on his ship over the underworld river styx

Hypnos: God of sleep, son of Nyx

Selene: Goddess of the moon, until later mythology where she was often merged with Artemis

Helios: God of the sun, until later mythology were he was often merged with Apollo

Have a great day💕

[honorhearted]

SHIPPING INFO! ♡

Answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog. REPOST. Don’t reblog!

WHAT’S YOUR OTP FOR YOUR MUSE? If this means overall, I'd never feel comfortable elevating one ship over the others on this blog. But if this is referring to Ben's overall canon, I don't truly have one! When I first watched Turn back in 2020, I didn't ship Ben with anyone -- my ships mostly came through fic experimentation and RP, so my favorites in that regard tend to be Ben/Peggy (the dramatic potential alone is *chef's kiss*), the found family aspect of Ben/Mary with Thomas as a surrogate son, and my always favorite bickering dynamic, Ben/Anna.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RP WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING? Pretty much anything! The only thing I won't write is r.ape as a plot point. Don't ask me to do it, 'cause it ain't happenin'. In regards to tropes, enemies to lovers is my absolute favorite, so I wish there were more loyalist characters out there to throw at Ben.

HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE? I've never encountered any discomfort while writing age gap ships, so I'd say as long as the characters are adults, I won't be bothered.

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING? It probably seems like I'm not since I have so many lol, but I do need there to be chemistry first. I've had to nicely take a couple people aside over the years and tell them it's not working out -- in those instances, we planned a ship before actually writing it, which I will never do again due to the potential discomfort/hurt feelings.

HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY’RE CONSIDERED N / SFW? For me, I always throw in a "read more" once a.rousal is mentioned, or once the physical touches progress beyond kissing. Sometimes, I just do it right from the get-go to save the dash from any potential awkwardness.

WHO ARE OTHER MUSES YOU SHIP YOUR MUSE WITH? Oh gosh, you're going to make me list out all my ships? *cuts to everyone chanting Ben is a h.oe in the BG* Okay, so I mostly tend to ship with OCs on this blog, so I'd say that's over half of my dynamics for sure. Then, I have an Anna, a Mary, and I used to have a Peggy; the rest of my ships are crossovers, and I love each and every one of my ships cuz my writing partners are fab-u-lous and make this experience so much fun. <3 If this is also asking about platonic ships, I have a lot of great friendships on this blog that I adore, as well as some sibling-ish and paternal-ish dynamics that make my heart go !!!! <3

DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU? I've never had this happen tbh. Like, maybe I'm just very easy to read, interest-wise, but whenever I'm interested, I kind of just shyly drop hints, and then we usually end up on the same page and shipping together. So no, nobody has to ask to ship with me, but I don't want to be forced into shipping something either. Getting sent a shippy ask when we've never even interacted before, for instance, isn't something I'm comfortable with.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP? I mean, any time? lol

ARE YOU MULTISHIP? Yep!

ARE YOU SHIP OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS? I definitely get very invested in my ship threads, so I guess obsessed? But I'm also never going to ignore any non-shippy threads, 'cause I'm also very happy to write platonic/familial plots as well.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHIP IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM? I feel like I already answered this? lol It varies, because I never started off with a ship for Ben. I first started experimenting with Ben/Anna, so that has a nostalgia affection for me, especially since I don't write it so much anymore, but I also flip-flop in between Ben/Mary and Ben/Peggy as my absolute favorite, so I guess I just constantly switch between those three. OH, and thanks to Aly, I also really like Ben/Philomena cuz of the reverend's son/sultry actress appeal, 'cause *eyezooms* I love me some opposites! <3

FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU? Just befriend me! I'd like to think I'm pretty easygoing, but chatting with me in DMs is definitely a way to become ship partners, cuz I tend to WANT a ship if I'm actually friends with the mun. I've certainly had ships in the past where we didn't really talk, but those were never as fun.

TAGGED BY: Yoinked it!

TAGGING: Yoink it from me! <3

[fandomfaeofveryfewf4cks]

Long post. Fic under the dotted line. Or: ao3: What we are left with

Before the actual fic, here is a long post about why I wrote this fic. Disclaimer: heavy themes of grief.

I know this is a few days late, but I wanted to write something for the 15th Anniversary of the Merlin pilot episode, and it ended up needing a lot more time to get done than I thought.

I shouldn't be surprised though. Aside from most of my writings ending up longer than intended, Merlin is a show that's always meant a lot to me.

It was my introduction to the fandom world, for starters. Merthur was my first OTP and continues to be a favorite of mine. Katie McGrath was my first celebrity crush. There are Merlin fanfics and fanart that have touched my heart in a way not a lot of things have. (See my username). Fandom communities, in turn, helped me feel less alone, especially in a time where loneliness was weighing very heavily on me.

Merlin is also just magic, and capes, and swordfighting, and pretty dresses. Horseriding, dragons, unicorns, curses, poisons, plots, schemes, saving the day, and shenanigans.

Merlin is heartbreak, love, betrayal, violence, peace, oppression, secrets, friendship, hope, and bonds that can not be broken by death and tragedy. Bonds that will not fade in a thousand years.

My brother introduced me to Merlin when I was very young and I fell in love with it instantly. Partially because it meant more time spent with said brother. Episode three scared the shit out of me though, for some reason, and it would be a couple years before I started watching it again. Coincidentally, I started watching it again sometime around when my brother died. So, you can see how that adds a whole other layer of importance to this show for me, not to get too personal.

But, again, I shouldn't be surprised because everything about this show does ultimately feel personal to me. It's why I haven't done much writing or anything with it. I know I just won't really be able to stop. (Hence, how long this post is.)

Nonetheless, I wanted to write something for it. I debated doing a more merthur-based thing, but I ended up doing something mainly centered around Gwen's perspective in the first couple months after Arthur died. The first part is mainly about her. The second part... well, I can't let myself even think about all the grief this show's characters go through without getting dragged into Merlin's grief specifically. I'm not entirely sure why, though I have my theories.

Either way, the second half is more about a healing Gwen trying to help Merlin start healing as well. This is not a happy fic. This is not meant to be an angsty fic. It's really not meant to be anything other than self-indulgent for me. I'm probably subconsciously trying to help myself work through some of my own shit and, you know.. I'm tempted to maybe think that that's okay. I don't talk about grief enough, really.

Sometimes, I've felt like I was faking my grief and didn't deserve to be included in the group of people with "real" grief because I obviously wouldn't know what I was talking about.

I've felt like a ticking time bomb holding in all of my emotions, terrified of the day they explode and possibly hurt whoever is nearby.

I've cried and done everything I could to hide it, screamed with nobody around to hear it, and lied about being fine to people I Never want to lie to.

Merlin tried not to cry around people. Merlin screamed when no one was around to hear it. Merlin lied about being fine to people he Never wanted to lie to.

So did many other characters in Merlin.

I find so many of the characters in Merlin to be beyond relatable. I can scarcely find it funny.

I can't fully explain everything this show has done for me. I can explain that:

It starts with a young warlock making a journey to a place where no one knows him, and he quickly learns it's safer if no one ever knows him fully.

He makes friends anyway, including one who will fundamentally change everything Merlin knows about himself just by existing.

Merlin makes mistakes with consequences.

Everyone makes mistakes with consequences.

The show ends with multiple tragic deaths, a kingdom that is heartbroken (but moves on as they must), and an old warlock, who has spent hundreds of lifetimes being older than he looks and depressed, and who has spent barely a fraction of one lifetime being young and hopeful.

Merlin loses everyone he cares about, and yet, he still has hope. He still lives for Arthur. Now, I'm not expecting anyone to come back from the dead anytime soon. I don't think it's a good idea to want such a thing in real life, either. But if Merlin can hope and live after 1000+ years of loneliness and grief, then how can I not think it's possible for me to get through my equivalents of all that shit?

Oh, and don't get me started on the LGBTQ+ subtext and "magic users are oppressed and have to hide who they are to survive" comparison. That hit me like a goddam freight train even harder than realizing I liked Morgana before AND after she became evil.

Anyway, there's a fic if you want to read it. There's angst, Gwen POV, and everyone trying to get Merlin to eat something and go outside to prevent him developing a resistance to sunlight or something.

Enjoy...?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"What we are left with" or "A Love Letter to the Adventures of Merlin BBC"

The king is dead.

Arthur is dead.

Gwenevere sits on the throne as people ask her about all the things that need to be done in the kingdom. Camelot is under her rule... and her rule alone.

Plenty of people will talk about how "if me from ten years ago saw me now, I wouldn't believe it." Gwen felt like it was beyond understandable for her to feel this was most accurate for her life.

She was born a peasant; a blacksmith's daughter. It seems impossible that she sits on the throne now.

It wasn't long ago that it quite simply and entirely WAS impossible, in fact.

It was a huge change, not only for her, but for all of Camelot, and arguably, the world. It was inevitable that there would be challenges galore, and a number of severe ones at that.

She had known that Arthur was a popular target for people set on hurting Uther, taking over the kingdom, etc. etc.

She had known that being Queen would be far from easy.

But she also knew that Arthur needed her. According to him, Camelot also needed her. There isn't much that Gwen wouldn't do for the people she loves and it isn't like the burden of power doesn't come with upsides.

She lives in a palace with a large bed for her to sleep in and the grandest of rooms that she doesn't have to clean. Many of the things she used to do for herself, like bathing, dressing, and preparing meals, are all done for her now, even if she still has a habit of making the bed when her handmaidens aren't looking.

She doesn't have to wonder what kind of trouble Elyan is up to these days, because he is here, where she can keep a closer on eye on him and worry just a teensy bit less about him.

She has friends who are always there for her. Ones who respect her and defend her with their lives, but will still also laugh with her and give a shoulder to cry on when she needs it, as she still is for them after all these years.

All of these things are still true. Many of these people are still here, but she has never felt so alone.

Morgana betrayed her and the kingdom. She left her and eventually kidnapped her for the sake of warping her mind and manipulating her. They used to have a bond she had thought unbreakable. They had whispered secrets into each other's hair while holding each other after some of Morgana's nightmares. They had inside jokes and knew each other so well that they seemed to have an entire secret language between them that consisted solely of ticks and facial expressions. A crinkle of her nose when a suitor said something unclever or boarish. A raised eyebrow and a slight frown when Arthur was surprisingly (if only momentarily) gallant. A smile when Gwen said something she found amusing.

Gwen hadn't seen that smile in years. Any delusion of seeing it again was lost long ago. But apparently, she still had a sliver of hope left because hearing that she was dead, while in many ways was a relief, also hurt nearly as much as hearing the same fate had met Arthur.

That was both Gweneviere's greatest strength and greatest weakness; she was never really lacking in hope.

Even now, when her hope is arguably facing its biggest challenge yet, it's nowhere near gone.

She wishes she could say the same for Merlin's.

He's barely said a word. In fact, Gwen had hardly seen him at all. He had gone straight to Gaius, who somehow got an explanation out of him, and Merlin was presumably keeping to his room.

She couldn't blame him. If Gwen didn't have the responsibility of being queen, she might have done the same. And even then, she has still taken some time to shed her fair share of tears.

Gwen and Arthur's relationship was always an entirely different matter from Merlin and Arthur's relationship. All three of them knew this in some way. (Really, most of Camelot knew, to a point.)

Gwen and Arthur loved each other. That was never false, but there had been a time when they thought it was a different sort of love than it was. Once their relationship had become known, the people of Camelot thought they were essentially soulmates and destined to be one of the greatest love stories ever told. They weren't entirely wrong, but it wasn't the whole truth.

They could tell each other absolutely anything. Each of them had a great mind that worked well with the other, leading not only to an excellent partnership in rulers of the land, but also to an understanding that meant they could always rely on each other in any moment of need.

Gwen loved Arthur for his bravery and willingness to change himself and the things within his power for the betterness of all. She also loved him for his goofiness and his tragic past. She loved him for never passing personal judgement on her for her station or gender or race. She loved him for seeing her as the person she was, not the servant he was expected to see her as.

And that's exactly one of the reasons why he loved her. She didn't treat him like he was only a royal figure to worship and bend over backwards for. He wasn't just a king. He was her king. Just as she was his queen.

And to be a better king, Arthur needed people who would tell him when he was being conceited or small-minded...

Or a prat.

Merlin was there for Arthur just as much, if not far more so than Gwen was and that did not lessen the love between Gwen and Arthur even a little.

But Merlin had Arthur's heart from the moment they met.

And Arthur had Merlin's.

Many people would see and hear how Merlin blatantly insulted the KING and be baffled when his majesty would respond with Laughter. This servant could call King Arthur a dollophead, a clotpole, a prat, a cabbagehead, and so much more and face little to no repercussions. And this happened regularly. Many times a day, in fact. It was puzzling to many.

But Gwen knew why Arthur rarely, if ever, took offense to Merlin's ribbing and why Merlin would keep coming back only to be given endless chores and musings about his supposed lack of intelligence.

It wasn't because Merlin needed the job or had an obligation to the kingdom, at least not entirely. It wasn't because Arthur needed a servant or still felt he owed Merlin the job as part of a life debt, at least not entirely.

It was because they needed each other. And they both knew it in one way or another. That's why the words either didn't sting like it might seem they should or simply weren't enough to keep each other away. They knew they didn't truly mean it. They knew there was something far more important in their relationship than than there would be in any of their squabbles; even the serious ones.

"A half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole."

Gwen would never describe it in those words alone. It's silly to say something so cryptic and simply stated and pretend it explains absolutely everything in complete clarity.

Besides, who could accurately put into words the strength of Arthur and Merlin's love for one another.

Gwen and Arthur were husband and wife. But they were friends first. And when they got married they did so knowing it was best for the kingdom, and not in the way Uther thought, but in the way Queen Gwenevere and King Arthur believed. They were going to prove that change could lead to great things.

Gwen had hoped she wouldn't have to do so alone.

And even if it wasn't fair to her friends to think that she was truly alone, it would be quite some time before she felt otherwise.

The king is dead.

Queen Gwenevere sits on a single throne with a crown on her head, facing her subjects who she would put everything she had, as well as all she'd remember Arthur to be, into leading her people into the time of peace and prosperity that she and Arthur had hoped to see one day.

Arthur is dead.

Nothing would ever be the same. There were going to be some major difficulties in the road ahead, perhaps even some failures. But that will not stop her from trying harder. Arthur's loss will not stop her from loving again or hoping still. Nothing will stop her from being there for her kingdom... and for her friends.

. . . . .

She walked down the halls one step at a time. She smiled at the passers by and thanked those who gave their condolences.

She stopped wearing black a few weeks ago, but there were still dreadful clouds over everyone's hearts, though most of them had found ways to keep going nonetheless.

Except for one heart, it would seem, whose clouds were still striking everything that moved with unforgiving lighting and drowned out every sound with its devastating downpour.

For about two weeks, he hadn't left his room. Then the knights and her had taken turns in visiting him to try and get him to eat something or get some fresh air at the very least.

When he had seen Gwen, he could scarcely do more than sob into her shoulder. And she let her own tears fall as they held each other. He couldn't talk. He didn't utter a single word and even his cries were choked down to the point she was concerned he start actually choking.

He was becoming increasingly unhealthy, but somehow, neither he nor Gaius seemed especially worried about him dying, as strange as it was. He grew frighteningly more skinny as he didn't eat. His skin was paler and dryer, but still he wouldn't move from his bed. He flinched away from any golden light they might try and let in through the window. The dullness that would take over his face when you so much as showed him a glass of water was all beyond worrisome. Yet Gaius would simply say to give him time. Gwen and the knights worried just how much time it would take and whether it would be before or after Merlin starved to death.

After about a month, Gaius had said he'd successfully convinced Merlin to have a few bites of stew and some water for his father figure's sake if not for his own. They all nearly tried to throw a party in celebration. He still wouldn't leave his room, though.

A month later had him out of bed and dressed. He even helped Gaius with his work as best he could, but would not leave the physician's chambers. He talked some, but very little, and hardly above the softest whisper. And he wouldn't stay out of his room for very long. This went on like this for months.

Gwen tried to visit more often, but couldn't stay for very long. There was so much to do. She had understood when Merlin didn't want to be part of the ceremony held in remembering of Arthur, especially since he had already said his goodbyes when it mattered.

But there was so much more to do. Gwen was facing a lot of pushback from the members of the council who didn't believe she had a right to sit on the throne. She was handling that. With plenty of people vouching for her, and her own actions proving to be helping Camelot more and more every day, as well as the majority of Camelot's people loving her and everything she stands for as well as her strength in the face of her husband's death, she's been able to handle it. There's a million other issues that have mostly gotten smaller and smaller as she worked at them and any new issues that came up.

But she still needed Merlin. She still needed her friend. Merlin was one of the few people closest to her that hadn't died or betrayed her. She wasn't going to let him hide himself away forever. And there were still a number of things they needed to talk about.

His magic for one.

So here she was, walking to the physician's chambers ready to get her best friend out in the world again if she had to drag him out.

She knew he'd likely never be the same or even fully happy again without Arthur, but she was determined to remind him that he was so much more than what he was for Arthur: His protector. His servant. His lover. His friend... His real soulmate.

All those things he was to Arthur made up and will always be a huge part of who Merlin is, but Gwen will not let him think he is nothing with Arthur gone.

So she knocks on Gaius' door.

Gaius looks worried when he opens the door, but also almost received as he let's her in and tells her Merlin is in his room.

They share a knowing look before she walks up the steps and carefully opens the door.

When she walks in, she sees Merlin sitting by the fire, holding Ygraine's sigil in his hands and watching the flames shape a person in armour interacting with a person in more common garb. It's almost like the fire is playing Merlin's memories back to him. Gwen only thinks this because she recognizes the scene. The day Arthur made some poor boy run around with knives getting thrown at him, and Merlin stood up to him, with no thought to station or the sorts of power one person could try and use against him.

Gwen knew Merlin had magic by now. Gaius and she had discussed it partially after she figured it out. She had suspected something of the like for a little while, now, in fact.

She had never seen him use magic blatantly and so closely before. She took a breath in surprise and the images in the flames flickered away as Merlin turned to look at her, his eyes still shining gold for just a second before turning back to blue. His face was wet.

Neither of them moved for a moment before Gwen made the choice to slowly walk over and sit beside him. The warlock. The love of her dead husband's life. One of her greatest friends.

"Merlin."

He hadn't broken eye contact with her at all since she came in, but with the sound of her voice, the clouded sheen across his eyes flickered to almost reveal what was behind them. He said nothing back.

"I know, we've been skirting around some very difficult talks these past couple months, and I don't plan to press you on what I'm fairly sure is the most painful one for you, seeing as it is also the most painful one for me." The cloudy sheen grew thicker. You once saw a deep blue when you looked at Merlin. Now it seemed more and more like a stormy gray.

Gwen resumed. "But there is one thing I think we need to talk about sooner rather than later: your magic." (This wasn't entirely true. There wasn't much of a time limit on this as even if they started taking down the anti-magic laws in the system, it would be a very long time before they started to see real change. Nonetheless, it does need to happen and it's a much better conversation to get Merlin out and about again than trying to talk about anything to do with Arthur specifically.)

Surprisingly, his expression stayed stone still. No surprise, no fear, no confusion, nothing. She had figured Gaius told him she knew and in some of her visits to Merlin, she had made implications and questionable comments to subtly let him know that she knew and was not going to have him executed over it. And avoiding addressing it directly for fear of him panicking or shutting down or doing something reckless. So she wasn't expecting him to be totally off-guard.

But to have absolutely no emotional reaction at all was not a good sign.

He continued to say nothing.

"Merlin, please. Nothing is easy anymore, I know. Not talking to your friends. Not getting out of bed. Not even breathing, at times. Believe me, I understand this. Obviously there are parts of what you're going through, that I don't understand, but that's never going to stop me from trying. And the same goes for Gaius, Elyan, Percival, and Leon. We are all here for you. That's what makes us friends is We are all here for each other."

He had looked away around when she talked about wanting to understand and had slowly drifted to looking back at the fire.

"Please look at me, Merlin. I need to know that you're hearing me." She grabbed his arm softly and his eyelids twitched. Slowly, so slowly, he started to move his lips like he was about to speak.

He struggles for a moment before his eyes glow gold and he lowers his head as the fire starts to dance again. This time, it shows a boy playing in the woods. He makes butterflies from nothing and they dance around him and Gwen can almost hear the joyous laughter as the boy plays with his magical creations.

Then another boy appears and the butterflies fly away. The first boy is very still. Then the second boy walks over and, after a moment, he hugs him tightly. The first boy hugs back.

The image shifts. There are two young men, young enough that to still be considered boys, working in fields of grain. The crop is not doing well and the boys look concerned. One of them starts to seem frustrated with the other and gestures to the crops. The other contemplates for a moment. He looks around to see if anyone is looking and then kneels down to get his hands in the dirt.

The figures the fire makes are not as detailed as the people they represent, but they are detailed enough that two spots where the figure's eyes would be glow brighter than the rest of him. The crops flourish and grow tall. The first boy is amazed at what his friend has done and is grabbing his arm excitedly. The second is concerned.

The scene changes again, and now the boys walk alone through a town with multiple figures looking at them and whispering amongst themselves. The boys reach a particular house where a woman waits for them. She brings them inside.

In the house, the woman is talking animatedly. The boys are clearly being scolded by a worried mother.

"They suspected Will was the sorcerer." A cracking voice says quietly next to Gwen.

She immediately looks over to Merlin, who is watching the flames sullenly; tiredly. She waited for him to continue.

He sighed shakily. "When the crops became healthier than would normal even in a good year overnight, that was the last straw for the other villagers. They had suspicions before, but this was undeniable. And Will and I were known to have been in the field during the time frame the crops changed."

"If I had stayed, my mother would've had to watch one or both of us get turned against by the whole village and it wouldn't have been safe for any of us. If someone left mysteriously, and all the suspiciously magical things stopped happening, then they'd be satisfied that the sorcerer wouldn't be bothering them again. It was Will or me, and really, I was the obvious choice."

The fire showed on of the boys with a pack on his back, hugging the woman, then hugging his friend before leaving his home.

"Even if I could've bared to watch Will leave, an outcast to his home, I wouldn't have been able to live without ever using magic again. The suspicions would pick up again sooner or later. So my mother sent me away to Gaius, believing he'd teach me better control of my magic and believing the business of the city would help keep eyes off of me."

The fire shows the boy appearing over a hill, approaching the unmistakable image of Camelot. It seems so bright and hopeful.

Then Merlin is in a cave talking to the Great dragon.

"From the beginning, Kilgarrah would tell me how my destiny was to help Arthur. To protect him and help him become the greatest king the land had ever known. He told me Arthur would unite the lands of Albion and magic would be free once more."

Gwen wasn't sure what to think of this. So she just kept listening.

"It's very difficult to turn away when someone tells you there's a future where you and people like you can be free from persecution and don't have to constantly fear for your life over something you can't help. It's a lot harder to feel like that's possible when you're just a kid from Ealdor, being told this future relies almost entirely on you. That all your power and all your gifts were given to you so that you would bring about a golden age of peace for everyone by keeping one stupid prat alive." He chuckles into a cut off sob at that.

The fire then shows Uther sentencing a warlock to death in front of the poor man's mother. It shows her disappearing in rage.

It shows her throwing a dagger at Arthur's heart just before Merlin slows time to pull Arthur away safely.

Arthur looks surprisingly blurry in the flames, but far more bright and golden than anything else in the scene.

The scenes change much more rapidly now. Merlin using magic to reveal Valiant's magical shield. Merlin using magic to destroy the monster that was poisoning the water. Merlin calling the Great Dragon and ordering him to stop terrorizing Camelot and leave for good. Merlin stopping bandits with falling branches and mysteriously thrown spears. Merlin facing off Cenred and refusing the chance to rule with him.

"I couldn't save everyone."

Merlin meeting a girl under the castle to bring her food and talk with her. That girl turning into a monster and being killed by Arthur. Merlin watching Will die with an arrow in his chest and a lie on his lips for the sake of protecting his friend from Arthur. Merlin stopping Arthur from going through the veil, but being beat to going through it himself by Lancelot. (That scene wasn't quite so detailed and Gwen reached for his shoulder in thanks for that. Whether it was more for her or himself.)

"Or I didn't try hard enough."

Mordred getting thrown in the dungeons with no way to save the love of his life and Merlin doing nothing about it.

Merlin poisoning Morgana.

Gwen had to take a breath for that one. The situation back then had eventually reached her ears and she had eventually forgiven Merlin, but that didn't make it any easier a truth to face. She took her hand away, but stayed close.

"Over time, protecting Arthur with my magic became less and less about bringing about a peaceful future and so much more about just-"

He couldn't finish that sentence, but the fire showed a king in full armour grasping the forearm of his servant. The two of them only seeing each other. Arthur was very clear to see now. You could make out the sharpness of his jaw and crinkles of his eyes. The fire changed colors so his hair and crown would shine gold, his cape deepened to Pendragon red, and his eyes shifting to a piercing blue.

Merlin's figure was much less bright and detailed, but the tinted red of his neckercheif and the faint blue of his eyes were bolder than before. After all, his mission in protecting Arthur may have changed him not always for the better, but his love for Arthur always brought out the best parts of Merlin.

Merlin had kept his face expressionless through most of the story, but not like he was trying to hide his emotions anymore. No, he simply couldn't bring himself to feel anything about the secret of his magic anymore. This secret he's had to keep from almost everyone in his life for so long. He didn't care about it anymore. It wasn't about the magic anymore.

The flames slowly started to fade back to a more expected sort of flickering and grew smaller as it did. Merlin stayed quiet again. Gwen reached out again.

"Did you get to tell him?" She asked oh so softly.

His eyes watered and he nodded. Then he started shaking his head no.

"Not the way I wanted to."

Gwen thought about how beautifully the fire had danced in telling Merlin's story. The way that every time Arthur was shown, he was shown as a golden figure of hope and love doing his best to protect and lead his kingdom. It was meant to be Merlin's story, but it was difficult to focus on much besides Arthur and the beauty Merlin painted him with. Even when he killed Freya, her beauty was far from hidden, and the tragedy was not shyed away from, but Arthur was not the villain of the story. He never would be the villain in Merlin's story. And he wanted Arthur to know that. He wanted time to get Arthur to sit down and hear his side of the story. This story full of lies and secrets and pain that some may hear and think it odd that Merlin, with all his power, wouldn't be fighting against Arthur in order to build the world he wanted himself. This story that is so clearly not one of heroes against villains, or rivalry, but above all, a love story. Merlin loves Arthur more than himself. More than magic. More than anything or anyone. That's what he wanted to show Arthur. That's what he wanted Arthur to know.

Merlin's tears fell more forcefully, and Gwen took him in her arms. She let her tears run freely as well.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He gasped through his cries. Gwen didn't need to ask what he was sorry about. Or who he was sorry to. They both knew.

"I'm sorry too." Gwen replied. Because in the end, there's not much else you can say but that.

Eventually, their emotions would settle, and they'd start talking about what to do next. Having magic would no longer be a crime, but there were so few magic users and beings of magic left that there would need to be a serious effort to avoid the extinction of such people and creatures in the long run.

Merlin wasn't sure he was up to that task. It didn't help that if it was revealed to the court that he, specifically, had magic and had been hiding it for years, it would be difficult for anyone to trust him.

But he also simply didn't have faith that he could keep all of magic from dying when he couldn't even keep Arthur from dying.

Gwen didn't want to put so much pressure on him, especially with few to no signs that it would go well. But she would lift the ban on magic. Gaius could help educate people on how magic really works, and they would spread the word that magic does not make something or someone evil. It simply does what all power does and gives people the opportunity to make choices. Sometimes, people just choose to hurt other people.

But some other times, people will instead choose to help people. That's what Gwen will do with her power. Help people. Help her friends. And with time and persistence in this, things will get better, at least in some ways.

Camelot may not last forever. Magic may die out. Their story may not become the greatest legend ever told. It may even be forgotten. But it will have happened. And, in the end, isn't it worth everything, just to say that it happened?