#I just… no matter how many classes I’ve taken in my life I never know how to handle paints

[myname-isnia]

I had a moment of weakness and now regret it terribly because it has turned into just A Moment which means if I don’t get out of my head right now I will be miserable for the rest of the evening

[luxaryllis]

A Decision You Won't Regret: Azul Ashengrotto

Note: Sorry heh it's not a request in here but here's another fic for @twst-charity! It's a Twisted Wonderland-themed charity drive for Palestine. I highly encourage everyone to go to support them and the charity drive, such as spreading word around for it, and donating and sending in requests. Their pinned post and blog in general has a lot of information, and they also have contributor sign-ups open as well! I really hope you guys can support in any way you can!

Here's the link to donate and send in requests, which can also be found in their pinned post and the blog as well! You just have to give a proof of donation and send in your request there.

I had so much fun writing this fic hehe, as Azul is one of my personal fav characters! The donor requested for a Hurt/Comfort platonic fic with Azul and Yuu. This Yuu is completely gender neutral and uses they/them pronouns, and there aren't any specific warnings here!

Anyway, I do hope to do more fics for the charity drive, as well as the many number of requests in my own inbox soon, since it is summer break for me now and I know how long some of you have been waiting hehe!

"You and your tender disposition will only be taken advantage of here. If you ever feel like you've drawn the short straw, come see me. You won't regret it.”

Azul told Yuu that once, after they had helped him out for what felt like the nth time since they became “friends” (in Yuu’s standards). At the time, they had shrugged it off as nothing; they were careful, after all. 

“I’ll be fine, Azul.” They told him, waving his words off with an easy-going smile. “I’ve been a student in NRC for months now. I know how the students here work, plus I know my boundaries and what I don’t want to do. Trust me.”

Azul held back a scoff, knowing how untrue that statement was. He knew Yuu well enough to be able to tell that their kindness would be their downfall. He still remembered how, deep in desperation, they recklessly made a deal with him simply to save their friends (who were paying the price for their own actions). Yuu was too kind. Too compassionate. Too selfless. While Azul had seen them scolding their friends for their foolish actions, he knew that Yuu would never betray or leave them behind. No matter what happened to them, Yuu’s altruism would always make them such an easy target. Pure benevolence will never come rewarded unless you get something in return. And a life of selflessness is simply signing your soul off to all sorts of pain and cruelty.

No world has a place for someone who blindly offers up themself to help others. Azul learned that when he was just a child. And he can see where Yuu’s path will bring them; straight to a time of despair in the hands of the people they wrongly chose to trust. And Azul will be there, to grant them comfort and a way to stop the pain. He will be their saving grace in a time of need. All for a simple price, of course. Unlike Yuu, Azul knows how the world works, and he knows that all it takes for such a kind-hearted person to lose their strong spirit is just a couple of betrayals and misunderstandings. Weakened people are always the easiest people to wring a profit out of too.

A profit, nothing more than business, was all Azul thought of his “friendship” with Yuu. Every time Yuu would help him, he would find a way to make up for it; be it through study guides, notes, some extra help gathering ingredients for Alchemy class, or simply managing to convince Sam to lower prices for groceries they were planning to buy, Azul would always pay back his debt, even if Yuu didn’t know it was him in the first place. 

Any debt that hasn’t been paid, Azul kept note of. He had a list, ready to pull out should the opportunity arise. To Azul, this was all just a transactional business; while it was obvious that Yuu had no such intentions, Azul was ready to pounce, should the opportunity arise. Yuu has the heart of gold, and Azul has a mind that greeds for gold. And a true businessman would never let any opportunity pass him by. Even if that means the downfall of someone else.

That was Azul’s mindset as he spent more time with Yuu. Every gift and act of goodness he offers, he justifies it as him “paying back his debt”. And yet, slowly, he’s stopped looking for ways to force Yuu to do favors for him in return for his “kindness”. He still thought he saw this whole thing as a transaction; it was just him getting used to their constant presence in his life. No, he’s not getting attached to them; he invited them for lunch to learn more about what makes them tick. Surely, he could find something he can take advantage of. He’ll use the information he gets for a way to have another leg up on someone else.

So why does he feel strings tug at his heart as he watches them sob and wail at his feet, begging him for help. This is what he wanted, isn’t it? The Ramshackle prefect is right there, deeper in despair than Azul had ever seen before. Yuu is completely open and vulnerable for the taking, like an unsuspecting bubble approaching a spike, waiting to pop it. And yet, Azul finds himself feeling the exact opposite of relief. He feels worried, even a little angry at the thought of someone taking advantage of his friend.

Wait. His… friend? Since when does Azul think of Yuu as his friend? Are they even true friends? A small voice in Azul’s mind shouts, “No! You thought of taking advantage of them multiple times! True friends don’t do that.” And the second-year most certainly agrees, trying to ignore the sting in his chest at the thought of being such a terrible friend to someone who trusts him enough to come to him for help. What a rubbish excuse of a friend Azul is, if he thinks he can be Yuu’s friend, after everything he’s done to them.

“Prefect… tell me what happened. Every detail, please.” Azul musters up the strength to speak, and he realizes that he no longer needs to try pretending that he cares. It’s like it’s instinctive to want to know who made tears marr the Ramshackle prefect’s face. He's sure to make sure that whoever did shall pay a dear price, and he's even more certain that Jade and Floyd would be happy to help get to the bottom of this. 

The moment he finds out the truth, Azul starts to scheme in his mind. Taking advantage of the prefect, his… friend, like this is considered a slight against Azul himself. At least, that's what he tells himself as he plans the perpetrator's downfall. It's what he tells himself as he brings Yuu into the Mostro Lounge, personally making a drink for them and getting them some snacks. 

It's simple revenge, Azul tells himself as he learns the identity of Yuu's perpetrators and begins to think of ways to ruin their life. Night Raven College is a dog-eat-dog school, after all. Azul can't blame others for finding it easy to take advantage of the Ramshackle prefect's kindness, but he can most certainly blame others for taking advantage of his friend.

It feels weird to call Yuu his friend, Azul thinks to himself as he makes idle and (hopefully) comforting chatter with the prefect. After what he's done to them, it feels almost hypocritical and wrong to be friends with them. Azul knows that getting revenge on their behalf still won't make him a worthy friend, but perhaps it will help ease his unease about being a horrible friend to the prefect.

For now, though, Azul will focus on making sure that Yuu is comforted and feels better. “Please, make yourself at home here in the Mostro Lounge. The drinks and food are on the house.” He tells them, watching with a fond smile as they slowly start to calm down from their crying fit.

“Worry not, prefect. Jade, Floyd and I will make sure that they will pay dearly for what they've done.”

As Azul escorts the prefect out of Mostro Lounge, he stops them for a bit, and hesitantly tries to speak what he truly feels. “Thank you, Yuu. Thank you for trusting me enough to come to me.” He gives them a soft smile, and hopes that the prefect understands how grateful he is at the surplus amount of trust they've put in him.

Azul has long grown used to losing people's trust in him, especially after he's wrung them out for his advantage. He's always prepared to let go of his “clients” after they lose use to him. It's gone to a point where barely anyone can place their full trust in Azul, no matter how hard he genuinely tries to take back such faith in him. The Ramshackle prefect having so much trust in Azul is… a nice change. A foolish decision on the prefect's part for sure, but Azul promises himself it won't be one they regret.

[djsherriff-responses]

random swap rambles below while I sort out my thoughts

Might make it so Jade’s surname is Shauni and thus the au would be “Captain Shauni: A Domz Blood remix” (working title) which works because Jade’s mother was recently confirmed to be a pirate captain in BGE 2 : D

Concept thus far is that this is going to be set on an alien planet with the Teensies swapped with the board of directors. This is not set in the Glade of Dreams to be clear, and for the most part the AU is still a cyberpunk sci fi dystopian. Instead of Rayman leaving his dimension due to Rabbids, the original Earth dimension was destroyed by (some strange thing here) and everyone on Earth migrated to dimension, making it so the social hierarchy is swapped where humans are treated as lower class to aliens/hybrids (who are probably natives of dimension x rather than lab made in this au)

The main setting is still named Eden still (mostly to not go overboard) unless something cooler comes up

Characters I’ve figured out thus far:

Captain Jade Shauni (swapped with Dolph) is the main character of this au. Jade was treated more as a lab rat than a person since she was taken from her parents, due to her unique genetic make up Eden had leaned she was biologically compatible with the aliens known as “Domz” , thus she was essentially made into a human/Domz hybrid. Jade ran away from being Eden’s toy as soon as she realised the true cruelty of Eden and found herself rescued by “Uncle” Pey’J, who she began to trust with her life

Pey’J grew an attraction towards Jade, which she desperately tried to ignore and pretend wasn’t happening. It wouldn’t be until during a mission of collecting evidence of trafficking would Pey’J blunt out his feelings and propose to Jade, which naturally freaked her out. Upon being told “No”, Pey’J betrayed Jade and she ended up being part of The Seer’s plans

Pey’J (swapped with Alex) is Jade’s predatory uncle, but he swears to heaven and hell that he only ever wanted to protect her (just don’t ask how back stabbing her and leaving her for dead was “for her own good”) and even personally knew Jade’s parents, which is how Jade trusted him to begin with and was willing to ignore so many of the red flags growing up. According to him, he had the blessing of her father to propose to Jade (that’s highly debatable) and that marrying him (a hybrid) would grant Jade protections from Eden that humans don’t normalise get (again, highly debatable)

Pey’J has friends in high places and has been planning a way to liberate the humans from Eden’s system for some time, but it seems more of a power trip than a true rebellion against evil

Bullfrog (swapped with Sarah) , or more commonly known as “The Seer” , is a mysterious figure who gathered Team Ghost for his own agenda. What that agenda is, it’s hard to guess, but it’s clear despite how small he is under his hood that the Seer has BIG plans for Eden. Some say he is able to predict with perfect accuracy the time and place someone will die. But that’s absurd…. Right?

Dolph (swapped with Jade) was a street kid who lost an eye and a arm trying to survive, living many years in Eden’s dark alleys until he met the love of his life Alex and has been with him ever since. While his cybernetics are low quality, that’s has never gotten in the way of Dolph incredible parkour. A life of crime isn’t easy, but with an incredible boyfriend on his side Dolph wouldn’t have it any other way. No matter what The Seer throws their way, Dolph knows he and Alex will make it through together

Alex (swapped with Pey’J) is a street racer who has a knack for car mechanics, which comes in handy whenever Dolph’s cybernetics need fixing. Despite how much Dolph adores (and idolises) him, Alex has been hiding a dirty secret from him, which has been eating him alive far worse since he and Dolph found themselves at The Seer’s mercy

Sarah Fisher (swapped with Bullfrog) is the daughter of none other than Sam Fisher. Disagreeing with Sam’s methods to change Eden for the better and wanting to avoid becoming mad like him, Sarah didn’t hesitate to become part of Eden’s army. However she soon found herself being used as a tool for destruction rather than a protector of the innocent and decided to seek out a different path in life. Despite how much her body had been modified to be a weapon, a certain Brotherhood saw potential in her desire for justice….

Sam Fisher (swapped with Marcus) is one of the few humans who was alive back on Earth, before it was all destroyed and everyone moved into Eden. Having known what true freedom was thanks to his life serving for America , Sam was one of the first people to rebel against Eden’s oppression of mankind. Soon after meeting Marcus’ adopted son Bullfrog , Sam was caught by Eden and put through an intense prison sentence that aimed to break his spirit. Instead, it broke Sam’s mind and only made Sam more determined to tear Eden apart

Marcus Holloway (swapped with Sam) was a tech wiz working under Sam’s orders, hacking into Eden’s systems for various means that would benefit the rebellion and humans as a whole. Marcus looked up to Sam , wanting to be as heroic and selfless as the former American spy was, so it was only natural that Marcus wouldn’t think twice about bringing in the orphaned Bullfrog to the rebellion’s main base of operation. Unfortunately, Bullfrog’s betrayal would kick start a chain reaction that would lead to Marcus having to witness his hero lose his marbles, and eventually a war that would take Marcus’ own life

Things are likely to change and nothing is set in stone currently, open to suggestions

I am thinking of swapping Rayman with Pagan Min, but I kinda want a woman to be in Rayman’s place (so that the main “3” of this au is a yuri remix of the original Laserrayfrog and also because MILFs) annnnd I can’t take Pagan Min as a children’s entertainer seriously, unless it was like Brandon Rodger’s Blah Blah the clown

[idontplaytrack]

Hi! I rewatched All Together Now today and im in need of a new amber appleton fic! maybe one where amber is shutting her gf (reader) out after her mom dies. eventually reader confronts her about it and amber finally drops the ‘everything’s fine’ facade and lets reader comfort her? thank you!

Everything’s fine

Amber Appleton x fem! reader

Warnings: coarse language, angst, fluff, mentions of death, periods, surgery

“You burned bright like a fire in the pouring rain. Those things I couldn’t explain, oh what I saw in you.”

— Feels Like Home, Auli’i Cravalho & Keegan DeWitt

“Amber.” You seethed.

“What?” She asked in response, tone matching yours.

“Amber, stop this.”

“Stop what?” Amber huffs.

“This! Keeping up with this ‘everything’s fine’ façade. You’re not fine.”

“Everything is fine.”

“Really?” You scoff, “Then can you tell me, why you have been deliberately ignoring me for the past month, when I talk to you it’s like you’re not even there. You look terrible and you are always falling asleep in class. What the hell is going on with you?”

“Why the hell are you so angry?” She snapped.

Your eyes widened, shock by her use of a profanity.

“I’m worried about you! You never tell me anything.”

She disagrees, “I tell you everything.”

“Everything?” You inhaled deeply, “Okay, Amber, so tell me. What has been going on with you? Don’t spare me any details.”

She was chewing on her lower lip, the anger and frustration in her gaze melting away into panic, then sadness. You too, began to get worried, your pettiness gone in the matter of seconds.

“How can I even tell you something like that?”

“Like what? Amber it’s okay, whatever it is, please. Just tell me, you don’t have to be going through that alone.” A soft sigh falls from your lips.

“y/n…” She takes in a shaky breath, “I can’t , I’m sorry. I can’t put that on you.”

“Amber.” You looked at her right in the eye, “We’ve known each other forever. Now’s not the time to do this to me— I’m worried about you, you’re going to break if you keep bottling it up.”

She’s already told you about her living situation and offered to let her stay with you — she rejected that offer. Multiple times, so you let that go. On the account that she’d talk to you whenever. Especially when she was in need of help.

She sniffed, fiddling with her fingers as she avoided your eyes, “Uh. My— my Mom she got into an accident a little while ago and she’s gone.”

Your heart sank to your stomach, your breath…it gets caught in your throat. Or rather, it felt like it just got sucked out of you. You quickly pulled her into a hug, seeing from her body language that she was about to cry any second.

“I told her not to go back there and she wouldn’t listen to me. I just don’t know what to do, everything’s been taken away from me. I just— I don’t feel like I’ve got any purpose being here.”

She’s has never been like this. Ever. And that’s what you were afraid of. Terrified, actually. You couldn’t lose her, no way.

“I know I’m just a friend, Amber. But I’ll always be here for you. That probably doesn’t mean much but I mean it. I’m serious, whatever it is, no matter where life takes us. I will always be here, right by your side. You’re a good person, Amber. Never forget that. You’ve helped so many people and we will never ever forget the selflessness and the kindness, the compassion and the encouragement you’ve shown and given to others all while you had so much to deal with.” You began, “You have a heart of gold.”

Amber exhales shakily, the air harshly expelling from her lips as tears streamed down her face. She breaks away from the hug.

“You’ve made an impact on so many people’s lives, some may not remember you but they will remember that act of kindness, the words you spoke. Parts of you will stay with them, it has stayed with me. I remember it all, like it was yesterday.” You chuckled at the end thinking about a particular memory.

She starts to look at you, so you reached out your hands and grabbed hers into your own.

“First grade, I’d just gotten back to school after a surgery. Was in a cast, couldn’t participate in P.E., my best friends forgot about me. I was a sad, sad six-year old. Well, it was you who came up to me, talked to me like you’ve known me all your life. I remember I was so happy that I finally had someone who wanted to talk to me, to play with me that I could cry.”

A smile starts to creep onto her face at the memory.

“You were…different than my old friends that treated me like I wasn’t there when I returned. You never made me feel bad about feeling excited for liking things that I like, you’ve actually been there for me. Like, remember when we were seventh grade? When I first got my period and I was so scared and clueless because no one taught me anything. You…you got me through that. You listen to me, you listen to me. I don’t even know what kind of messed up crap I’ve shared with you about my home life and you listened to all of that and comforted me. When we would be running around at the park or at the playground and I would trip and cry and you’d be there to help me up. I— my God, Amber.”

Amber squeezes your hands, brushing a thumb over your knuckles, “Of course. You’re my best friend.”

“I— I can’t lose you, okay? You’re my best friend, you’re the one person who’s been there and made it feel like everything’s fine when they might not have been. I need you. I don’t care if it’s selfish, I need you. I need my best friend.”

Amber was in tears again, just like you were now.

“Amber, will you promise me to try your best and never take your own—”

“I promise, that’s not something I should even be thinking about.” She nodded, “Ever. It was just in the moment of — y’know, frustration and anger at myself and everything.” Amber nodded firmly, sniffling.

“We’ll get through this, I promise. No matter how hard it gets, we will be okay.” You tell her, “It’s you and me against the world, Ams. You and me.”

“Oh, I’m so grateful for you, lovey.” She cups your cheek, stroking it with her thumb, “I’d be so lost without you.”

“And I’ll be a mess without you.” You chuckled tearfully, “Take it one day at a time, Amber. We’ll help each other. Deep breaths, we got this.”

🏷️ Tag list:

@ashecampos @auliisflower @cheesysoup-arlo @frogs00 @ludoesartandstuff @pda128

[renee-writer]

Parents of graduates lend me your ears.

Your kid did it. Allow yourself a moment to celebrate even if this looks nothing like you thought it would.

I see all sorts of kids in my school travels and every single kid is worthy of celebration.

Your kid may be crawling over the finish line with bloody knuckles while you raise a white flag, but it doesn’t matter, they did it. They. Are. Graduating.

They may not have gotten a single award or accolade.

They may have had to remind you that a D is passing.

Doesn’t matter they did it.

They may not have a single photo to post surrounded by a group of smiling friends.

They may be unsure about where they are going next.

They may not have loved every minute of high school.

Doesn’t matter they did it.

They may not have a letter in a sport or have taken charge of a club or have gotten the lead in the play or even joined much of anything.

Awards and accomplishments are great but man there is so much more to celebrate. So. Much. More

Seriously, there should be an award for the student who sat with the lonely kid in the cafeteria each day.

Or that was the lonely kid but kept showing up.

Or for the kid who worked their butt off for the C in math class...every bit as hard or harder than the kid who got all the A’s.

Or for the one that faced anxiety day in and day out and endured mental health struggles no one could even see.

In absence of these awards, we just need to remember to celebrate the heck out of all they accomplished whatever that looks like for each of our students.

They ran their own race and they are getting that diploma and THEY DID IT.

This may also be a good time to remind them that not once in my life have I ever been asked about my time leading the student council. Not. Once.

No one has ever cared a bit that I never ran in a track meet.

I’ve never asked anyone how many awards they received at senior awards night or if they were on the prom court.

Because not one of these things matter to us as grown human adults.

Our kids are going to walk across that stage and get their diplomas no matter what they did during the last four years.

My prayer is the kids leaving our schools are more resilient, kinder and more thoughtful than when they went in. I hope with my heart they know to look for the underdog and root them on….and actually the best supporters of the underdog are those that have been underdogs themselves.

I dream they are ready to go into the world and find their place in it without comparing themselves to a single other person. Please dear lord let them be ready to join us all in making the world a better place, we need them so.

And I hope when they get that diploma in their hand they will feel deep in their soul that they own this accomplishment. They did it...even if their doing it looks nothing like medals hanging from their necks or certificates hanging on their walls.

Their battle has been their own. And we should be just so darn proud of every single one of them.

Amy❤️

[justsomeguycore]

also had a mind blowing epiphany about the necromancer-cavalier gender binary. i’d been looking at it in terms of there being a sexism/classism intersection in their society’s sort of oppression hierarchy but i’d forgotten the crucial aspect of their society was that it was started from scratch. i’d been thinking about it like they were a very progressive society as compared to my society both presently and historically, but when you think about it, their society likely never actually had overt sex based oppression. obviously there’s residual misogyny happening in these books, but i’ve gone so long reading absolutely everything with a feminist lens that i didn’t even realize i was applying it where it’s not quite applicable.

like take sex/gender/sexuality based oppression completely out of the equation. imagine that they live in a society where there are genuinely no roles based on sex and never were. it’s a foreign concept i know but imagine. having a daughter, having a son, it actually legitimately doesn’t matter. what they want is a necromancer. necromancers are the metaphorical sons of this society. take everything you know about patriarchy and apply it to necromantic aptitude. that’s this society.

like in our society, a cishet man and woman of the same socioeconomic class and race etc still have the intersection of sex based oppression. a woman succeeding against a man of her same stature is still an achievement. but imagine that in their society womanhood is nothing. it has effectively no meaning, like how you see squirrels in the park and have no idea if they’re male or female or if it matters.

again i don’t think this is always the best way to interpret this world but i do think it helps you see the scale of the systemic oppression of cavaliers by necromancers. necromancers can be of any sex or gender or race or sexual orientation, so from our flawed perspective their society seems progressive in those areas. yeah necros have all the power but at least the power is distributed amongst those classifications that are so significant in our society. but in their society it doesn’t matter. if you look at their society like they never had those forms of oppression, it’s not a win at all.

take off all the lenses you’ve ever learned to apply to literary analysis. pretend that they live in a society where race and class and gender legitimately have no impact on a person’s life. so many things start to fall into place.

reframe the tridentarii’s relationship so that instead of seeing two sisters, one necromantic and one not, in a futuristic society, you see them like a brother and sister who were pretending to both be brothers in an antiquated society.

reframe abigail and magnus’s relationship so that instead of seeing a girlboss and her golden retriever husband, you see a nobleman who’s effectively married the chambermaid, a CEO who’s gone and married his secretary. that’s what harrow’s seeing when she looks at them, why she’s so scandalized by necro-cav marriage and relationships. that’s the level of improper it is.

and why palamedes comes across as such a male feminist type guy. his and camilla’s necro-cav relationships is congruent with their man-woman relationship, so it’s easy to see the outlines of it when you take the idea of sexism away. he’s not just a male feminist, he’s a cav rights ally. the way he sees camilla as a whole person whose intelligence and opinions he values is different from all the other relationships we see. people keep trying to tell camilla that their relationship is unequal and that she’s being taken advantage of, but she stands her ground and ultimately palamedes does prove himself to believe in her personhood as equal to his own.

even the way judith saw marta and just had to have her, went to her father to arrange their partnership, has echoes of a fairytale prince seeing a woman dancing at a ball and being like i must have her dance for me alone! and then trying to come onto her later and her having to be like. i’m just here to dance for you, this can’t go any further than that, it’s not proper.

idk it just kind of slots a lot of things about cavalier oppression into place when you not only ADD it to your understanding of other intersections of oppression, but actively REPLACE your ideas about other forms of oppression with ONLY the necro-cav oppression.

[swamp-spirit]

One of the shit things about ADHD is, eventually, in most long term relationships, you have to figure out how to explain ‘my brain only wants to do things that are interesting and fun‘ disease.

Because the automatic reaction is always going to be like... yeah. We’d all rather play video games than do our homework??? Grow up???

So here’s the thing that I think can be hard to understand:

You do want to do homework more than you want to play video games. That’s why you turn off the console and do your homework. The video game may be more fun, but you’d rather show up to class with the work done than show up to class empty handed having played another hour of Zelda.

But you know what? So do people with ADHD. They want to clean the bathroom and not have to feel shame every time they walk in. They want to do their taxes. They want to remember their anniversary and pay rent on time and write their essay. Having a steady job that gets you food and shelter, staying on top of good habits, and keeping up with daily responsibilities isn’t interesting or fun, but we want those things more than we always want life to be fun! That’s why so many people with ADHD take meds that make them do more unfun tasks! Knowing what you want and being unable to understand why you won’t just do it, why you keep making choices you know aren’t what you want, having to push through sludge to do simple tasks everybody else can do sucks! It really, really sucks!

Like... imagine you’re in a car. You’re supposed to meet your friends at a beach house a few hours away. The drive isn’t fun, but you get in your car and go. You show up tired, almost out of gas, but you rest a bit and have a great time.

Now imagine you’re in a car, same drive, same friends, and you realize the GPS reset to go to your favorite fast food place. Getting a milkshake sure sounds more fun than driving, but you’d give 1000 milkshakes to see your friends, so you put the beach back on your GPS.

The car stops. Is it broken? No, it’s moving again... because the GPS reset to the fast food place. Fuck.

You keep setting back the GPS, but every time you do, the car stops moving, and you don’t know why. So fuck it, you’ll walk.

And hour later, your legs hurt and you’re exhausted, and your friends are calling to ask why you ditched them and you’re sitting by the side of the highway trying not to cry.

That’s what ADHD feels like.

Sometimes it feels like showing up to every party three hours late and people tell you that maybe you shouldn’t bother coming. If you cared, you’d be on time.

Sometimes it feels like crying in a friends car, “sorry, sorry, you shouldn’t have to drive me again, I don’t get why I can’t just do it myself“ while your friend says “it’s okay, I know it’s hard for you, I love you“

Sometimes it feels like driving to get milkshake every day, because what’s the point of doing anything else? You always show up to late anyways, so why do you keep trying to walk places you aren’t wanted anymore?

Sometimes it feels like spending hours building a complex route of fun little shops that will lead you to the beach and crying with joy when you show up on time because you did it! You know it won’t work again, it never works again, but you showed up today and it didn’t hurt and you danced with your friends and that matters!

I think that’s what most people with ADHD really need you to understand.

It’s okay to be frustrated with a friend who always forgets your plans together, who doesn’t text when you’re away, who loses their temper easily or never takes out the trash or keeps fucking up their own life in ways that seem so preventable.

All I ask is please never tell me I don’t care. Please don’t tell me I would have remembered if I loved you enough (there is no date I haven’t forgotten, including every holiday and my own birthday). Please don’t tell me I would have done it if it mattered to me (I forget to take my morning medication that I’ve taken for almost a decade. The withdrawal is vomiting, shaking, delirious bad, but I forget.) Please don’t tell me how bad it is that I’ve failed again, because surely, if I understood, I’d fix it. (I sometimes forget to pay rent on time even when it costs money I don’t have.)

When I’m sitting on the side of the highway with blisters and sore calves and no water, you don’t have to drive me. You can tell me it hurts that I missed the party again, that you miss me, even that it hurts too much to invite me when you know I’ll stand you up again. But please don’t tell me how easy it would have been to be on time if I’d tried, if I’d cared. Please don’t tell yourself that you weren’t worth time, that I would have shown up if you were better, if you were worth caring about.

ADHD doesn’t care about how bad you want the destination. It only cares how much you’ll enjoy the ride.

[auror117]

FORGOTTEN MEMORIES PART3

Forgotten memories part 3/4

Hongjoong pov

The decision to go to the reunion wasnt an easy one. I thought again and again about it and my parents werent happy at all. Mom tried to stop me for whatever reason, but deep in my heart i felt like i had to go no matter what. Now that i'm here and now that i've seen my friends i have no regrets in coming here.

It 8am when Seonghwa knocked on my door. I was barely awake but he was good and ready to go. He was always a morning bird, the responsible one.

Now we are walking to Jieuns cafe. A million thoughts run throught my head, how is she now? Is she the same? Did she miss us? Did she miss me..........

Hwa; " Isn't it weird, walking this path after so many years " he asks while looking around. It was weird, our childhood was filled with this town until we left and now that we are back the feeling is unfamiliar but familiar in a way.

" Yea it is weird but it also brings back some memories" I reply

Hwa; " You remember getting beat up in that alley by those boys from our next class " he points towards an alley with a smile. I laugh at the sudden rush of memories.

" You mean the time when Jieun had to save us from them. I still remember her running towards us holding her hockey stick and just swinging it around with her eyes closed " I chuckle while speaking.

Hwa:" And she almost hit us with that stick too" he replies with a wide smile. " Do you ever wish that you hadn't left?" He turns to look at me.

I didnt know how to answer that question, did i regret leaving?. If i hadn't left how different would my life have been, but at the same time i cant seem to regret because of how much i've achieved.

" At one point i did but then i never really though about it" i reply, not looking at him.

He was silent for the rest of the journey. As the cafe came in site i couldnt help but get nervous, my heart started beating fast and it felt like i was taken back in time.

Seonghwa's POV

He was different now, much different but i cant help but identify some similarities of his old self. He still dont make eye contact with me and he still holds much in his heart but speaks less. But hearing him say that he doesn't regret leaving made me think, maybe he is different now.

The cafe looks the same as it did in the past. It looks so alike that i felt like time reversed. The memories that this place has holds endless meaning but instead of looking forward to recall those memories i see myself searching for something else.

Before we could enter the cafe Jieun comes out and walks towards us with a bright smile, i felt like time froze. Seeing her now made me realize how much i missed her. Hongjoong rushed forward and hugged her tightly but i couldnt move, it felt like my feet were stuck in the ground.

I just stared at her without a word unable to process whats happening until she pulls me into a hug. I found myself tearing up while inhailing her scent, its the same her smile, hair, scent its all the same. For a minute i hoped that time would actually stop but i know its a hopeless dream to want this moment to last forever and to want her.......

Jieun; " You both have no idea how much i missed you two, look at you both gosh i'm so proud of you" she breaks the hugs and looks at us with a teary smile.

Hongjoong; "You haven't changed at all, still a cry baby" he says with a small laugh

Jieun; "Oh shut up its been years since i've seen you both let me be emotional" she wipes her tears as she speaks.

" And the behaviour is the same too, it truly feels like nothing has changed" i pat her head with a smile.

Hongjoong; "So what are we doing today?"

" How about we visit our hideout?" i suggest

Jieun; " Great idea! I looked after it after you both left, dont worry i didnt change anything its still the same" she says as she leads the way.

Our hideout was situated at the top of our school, a small room we decorated and used as our safe place. It is filled with sad and good memories of ours.

Hongjoong's POV

She looked so beautiful, so unreal that it feels like a dream to see her but when i hugged her i realised that this is not a dream. She is really here in front of me, the familiarity fills my heart with warmth. This is not like the countless dreams i had of her, she's really here.

At the mention of the hideout i cant help but feel anxious, the last memory i had of that place wasnt pleasant. Looking at Seonghwa it feels like he's forgotten everything that happened that day ofc he has, he had nothing to lose, not then and not now.

Thinking about it, this is a journey to uncover forgotten memories even the cruelest of them all. Maybe recovering them will lead to some mystery and maybe just maybe this time i may win.

[supersonic813]

My Sonic Common App Essay

As I sat in the waiting room, I thought about the last few months. The fatigue, the lack of focus - my parents, trying desperately to figure out what was causing all my mood swings and poor grades. Then the lab results arrived - positive for Lyme Disease. This explained why I could not keep up with most of my classes and was always tired. After this diagnosis, my symptoms began to escalate instead of getting better. My sixth-grade teachers and classmates cared about me, but no one could fully understand what I was going through. The bright spot during that time was visiting my cousins each Friday evening, playing video games, and taking a moment to actually relax and have fun. One night we played a game with the iconic Sonic the Hedgehog. Not having been exposed to many video games before, I didn’t know much about the character. However, after playing the game, I was seriously intrigued. I don’t know what interested me so much, but I just had to learn more about him.

After spending one Friday night skimming results on Google, I was more interested than ever in exploring the rest of the franchise. I came across the 1993 television series of the same name, and after watching a few episodes, I realized the series really touches on Sonic’s personality in a way I had never seen before. Through everything he and his friends had to endure - their home being overtaken, losing relatives, the constant threat to their lives - he stayed so strong. He had such a positive, resilient attitude, even during the worst of times. “That is how I want to be,” I thought to myself. I decided to embrace that exact attitude towards my illness, and any other obstacle that came my way!

Lyme Disease impacted me both physically and cognitively. No matter how hard I tried, I struggled academically. I felt unintelligent and lost confidence in myself. Things got so bad that I left school in the spring of seventh grade to focus on my health. At my lowest point, I wondered if I would ever get better. However, thanks to a doctor who understood how to treat Lyme, I was able to slowly regain my strength. I began to see the importance of maintaining a positive attitude. I began to see each aspect of my treatment as a way of slowly, but surely, fighting off the enemy that had taken over my body. Just like Sonic’s battle, my battle with Lyme Disease was ongoing and required resilience. I did not give up and was able to rid my body of Lyme Disease toxins. Additionally, with the help of my mother, who homeschooled me for a year, I was able to improve my academic skills and regain my confidence as a student. By the time I entered high school, I felt victorious after years of challenges.

The more I have learned about Sonic, the more I see myself in his character. As I’ve faced setbacks in my life, whether health, academic, or personal, I have worked hard to maintain the same resilient and positive outlook that I have always admired in Sonic. My connection to him is still as strong as ever, if not even stronger. He has always been there for me, especially helping me get through a difficult time in my life. Sonic may just be a (fictional) video game character to most people, but to me, he will always be a source of inspiration.

[himsagoodboi]

Todoroki and Beaumont: Part Three

“That’s about as good of a cause as any, Rui. As I said earlier, your secret is safe with me. But only under one condition, you’ll keep your word and not to harm anyone from class 1A. Or anyone in the school for that matter.” Shoto spoke.

“You have my word, Shoto. I appreciate you listening and keeping this conversation secret.” Rui replied, offering a light smile.

All Shoto could think was how screwed they all would be if Rui went rogue. If he decided that the hero life wasn’t for him and turned to villainy. The way it sounded, Rui and other ghouls were hunted down and killed. So were ghouls the enemy where Rui was from? Shoto had so many questions but he didn’t want to upset or anger Rui.

“Rui,” Shoto started, “you said that ghouls are hunted down. So is your kind killed? Is that a common occurrence where you’re from?”

Rui nodded, “Sadly that is the reality that myself and many others face. Honestly when I started at UA, I didn’t expect all you humans to be so kind and caring. Humans have never been kind to me or my kind. I honestly didn’t know if I could stick it out. Granted we still are early in the game. I just hope it all works out. I want to make something more of my life.”

Shoto nodded, “maybe this will change the outlook on ghouls. You are good guy, Rui. And your friends seemed nice too. They definitely were worried too.”

“They are my family. Only real family I’ve known. I’m glad they’re supportive of me. I was hoping they’d all join too. But I doubt it. Lunar in particular doesn’t like to be in the spot light.” Rui smiled fondly as he spoke about his family.

“You and your family must have to fight often then?” Shoto asked.

“Yes. We have to fight to stay alive. Us ghouls are seen as monsters but really both sides are monstrous. I wish there was a way for ghouls and humans to coexist. There wouldn’t be a need for The Ghoul Investigators and the CCG if that were the case.” Rui shook his head.

“Well look what you’re doing right now.” Shoto said, “you and your family are coexisting.”

“As a investigator put it “ghouls blend in until they don’t.”” Rui started, “ghouls are made out to be evil, unreasonable creatures. We have never been given a chance.”

Shoto thought. It all made sense now. Why Rui fearlessly jumped into the fight to help Mr. Aizawa at the USJ. Why he had taken on Tomura and the Nomu without hesitation. Rui had been forced to fight from a young age. Apparently all ghouls had.

“I’m sorry, Rui.” Shoto spoke.

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?” Rui asked.

“You’ve had to fight all your life. You’re probably more experienced than any of us in the hero course, yet you’re fighting along side us, and resisting your instincts to be here. I just… I’m impressed. You and your friends, other ghouls should be given a chance. That being said, I’m sure there are some despicable ghouls out there. However every group has bad reputations.”

Rui’s jaw dropped, hanging ajar as he listened to Shoto. The boy his age was more level headed about ghouls than the investigators or just ghoul haters in general.

“Thank you.” Was all Rui could muster. His voice cracking as if he could cry.

[arabellaflynn]

The SOJD is on hiatus. The Celtics dance team has gone mixed-gender this year, and he is one of the first men they signed. If any of you are the sort who watch sportsball and actually pay attention to the non-sportsball segments of the broadcast, have fun trying to guess which one of the guys did his best to teach me hip hop.

He says it is temporary. He swears that teaching is "necessary for [his] mental health", and that he's going to figure out how to run single-session pop-ups whenever he can. In theory, he'll go back to twice-weekly classes in April if our team sucks, June if we don't. 

I don't like not having that class. It was useful in a technical training sense, but a lot of classes are; I picked up two others that will teach me equally useful things. They're fine. My schedule is fine. Everything's fine, and I hate it. I've spent the past two weeks trying to come up with a reasonable career-based argument for why I'm at such a loss right now, and I can't, because there isn't one. 

I miss that class because I felt wanted. And it's taken me this long to articulate that because it feels like a petty thought to have. There are a million other people who have been perfectly lovely to me, and extended a welcome as soon as I asked for one. It shouldn't matter that someone walked up and started talking to me first for once, but it does. I feel ungrateful and childish for caring.

It took me forever to figure out what he was up to, because normally people are only that persistent about talking to me when they want something. He didn't seem to want special treatment from the desk and he was way too gay to be angling for a date, so I didn't know what the fuck. The other thing people normally want out of me is emotional work, because when you're known to be generally unflappable it makes you look like a great repository for everyone's trauma-thoughts, but it actually took me months to convince him that when I asked "how are you?" that was an actual question and not a social noise, so.

He didn't want me to do anything for him. I eventually wound up doing a lot of things for him, but I hadn't done any of them yet, and neither of us had any idea I was going to. He didn't have to talk to me at all. Most of the friends I have now are people who could not avoid making my acquaintance. We worked together or volunteered together or did a show together, or something. We're friends now because we like each other, but we only figured that out because we were required to interact at some point whether we wanted to or not. The SOJD could have just waved and walked past me. But he just wanted to chat, so he did.

How pathetic am I being that this actually matters?

I also felt very seen in that class, which is a whole 'nother can of worms. I have a love/hate relationship with attracting attention in classes, especially from the instructor. On the one hand, I understand it's supposed to be flattering, but on the other hand, I learn far better if I'm just fed a whole bunch of information and then left alone to sort through it, and I know from experience that attention is eventually going to end in me being deputized. I've picked up two other classes to fill in some hours, and both of them have already either started using me as an example. It irks me, but not enough to say anything; explaining why I have so much baggage around it is pretty much never worth the trouble. I just accept that if I want to take classes I'm going to have to put up with being the demonstration model in much the same way I accept that if I want to leave my house I'm going to have to put on real pants. It's just one of life's many annoyances.

Like life's other annoyances, you don't realize how much energy you put into dealing with it until you don't have to. The SOJD likes to pull people who are doing well up to the front row, because watching them succeed makes him happy. He tried it with me exactly once. I asked him, "Why am I up here?" he said, "Do you not like being up front?" I said "NO I DO NOT," he said, "Okay, you can go back where you were." Fin. I eventually drifted closer to the front of my own accord, once the mirror was more help than distraction, but he never brought it up again. I've never felt like I could have that conversation with an instructor, much less that it would solve more problems than it caused.

A lot of things have panned out like that. Fundamentally, I was just grateful to finally be in a room run by someone who Gets It, for certain very specific values of It that confound most other people. A lot of it has to do with understanding that yes, I am always in some amount of pain, and no, that doesn't always mean it would be better if I stopped doing whatever I'm doing. I can choose to do things that hurt, if doing them is more important to me than not being in pain, but that means I forfeit the right to have my pain acknowledged, because mentioning it just makes other people concerned to the point where they interfere. But I might decide that I just can't that day, and that decision isn't always going to be consistent, because it depends on a million bizarre and esoteric factors that I could not even begin to unpack. 

I've only had to bail on class a couple of times. The last time I did it, I told him "love y'all, but if I keep going I'm gonna throw up on someone's shoes." He laughed at me -- which was the correct response, because I was being flippant -- but also let me go without kicking up a fuss about whether I was okay enough to get myself home. I've seen him do the normal-person thing when other people have mishaps in class, so I know he knows what most people expect. Having my own self-assessment respected by default is not something I expect, because it happens so rarely.

A part of me is sorry that he Gets It, because this is stuff you can't understand unless you live it for yourself. But I'm not responsible for other people having bad experiences decades before I met them, and  now that they are where they are in life, I'm glad when I run into them.

I hate not having that space. I hate not having a class where I don't have to make sure I look 'okay' so I can fly under the radar. I do warn most dance teachers that I'm very bendy and will probably make a lot of mechanically-puzzling choices, but that's not the same as being able to say, "Wow, that really fucking hurts. Hang on a minute and I'll do it again," and not have to deal with all the fallout.

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[unboxedreflections]

AN UNFORGETTABLE RIDE

Well, wow… I guess that’s all she wrote on my university journey at Holmesglen, what a bloody remarkable ride that has been.

I’m really not sure where to start or what to say here, when asked to reflect on my internships and university journey, I am at a bit of a loss for words, there are no words to properly describe it. 

Let's look at the facts to get us started, shall we? 

It has 100% been the hardest three years I have ever endured in my life. 

It was certainly not at all what I expected as a spritely, fresh innocent country kid, entering the big smoke in 2021. 

(Below was my very first day meeting everyone).

(Duncan, 2021)

It has taken every last ounce of effort even though I often found things quite straightforward.

It has changed me in ways I cannot even comprehend, especially when I look back and try to compare myself now to who I was prior to starting at Holmesglen. 

I have experienced things I could and would have never ever dreamed of, been through some of the lowest times in my entire life and some of the most extraordinary highs. 

I’ve met the most amazing group of people and boosted my group of “friends, family and connections” by about 10 times the size of what it used to be. 

I’ve achieved above and beyond what I set out to, turned myself into someone my younger self wouldn’t recognise but would be overwhelmed with pride to know. 

I’ve made memories that will last a lifetime, created dreams I will pursue forever and mistakes that have taught me invaluable lessons. 

Most of all though, I’ve made the absolute most out of the last three years and boy have I made myself proud and no matter what happens next, I’ve made it a success…

I GOT A JOB!

I’d love to go into my thank-you’s but there are so many, and I really don’t want to make this entry 1000 words long, so to everyone who’s been a part of it, you’re a legend, thanks a million. 

(Here's another photo, this time from my final class with Simone, how time flies!)

(Wearne, 2023)

As I reflect, I realise that, without really even meaning to, I’ve gone about my study at Holmesglen and in this industry in the perfect way, with the perfect attitude… 

It was never about getting straight HDs, it was about passion, connection and always giving 100%, it’s not really about what you learn technically in class, it’s about what you learn about yourself, your limits, your dreams and your real personality.

Even while writing this now, I know this mark is not really going to impact my career success as a whole, I’m sure it doesn’t even really matter what I write here, but I do know that I’ll absolutely give it 120% and will really think it through, give it my personal touch and make it something I’m proud of, because if I do, I can’t lose. 

That’s what I’ve learnt, that’s my reflection… 

Oh, and for the assignments' sake, here’s some research to back up what I just said… 

Zhang et al. (2015) state that those who take their career into their own hands and exude a ‘can do’ or open attitude to all tasks and teammates will often see greater job satisfaction, individual and team success and enjoy a longer career. It goes beyond just the workplace too as research found that people who adopt such an attitude are more likely to hold a holistic perspective on life and work, benefitting them with a greater work-life balance (Direnzo et al., 2015).

[undergradinlife]

September 21st

Hey James,

You're almost all caught up now, isn't that exciting? You'll know everything that's been happening in my life and then we can talk about things as if nothing has changed. We can be us again, wouldn't that be nice? It's been two weeks and one day since I lost everything, and I'm still trying to rebuild it. I'll feel better once I'm done explaining it all. It's crazy how things change so quickly.

Up until two weeks ago, I was in the best place in my life that I’ve ever been. One of my best friends Sandra was back in the country after leaving for the summer. Another one of my best friends, Maria, was back in the city after being gone for the summer as well. I woke up early every morning to go on runs, I was eating healthy, my apartment was clean, I was painting again, and school was about to start. September 6th was the high point of this all; the point where I thought to myself that this was what I was made for. I was the happiest that I’d ever been. I stopped at Mark’s apartment to give him back a sweater that I’d taken earlier that week, and we kissed in my car. I had on cherry lip gloss and the perfume that he told me he liked. He noticed that I did something with my hair. He told me that I smelled and tasted good. It was a really good kiss, and even though we were just sleeping together, I found myself holding a hand up to my mouth after I drove away, trying to hold onto the feeling for as long as possible. It was a really good kiss. When I got ready to go out with Maria that night I was riding a high. We stopped by Will’s new work to say hi, but he’d already finished for the night, so I texted him saying we came by. 

On that night everything went downhill within a matter of hours. It was the night before my classes started. It was supposed to be fun. We went to the bar that I’d gone to with Nora a few times, the one where I met Liam, and I had a creeping feeling that he was there but I went on with my night and enjoyed talking to Maria about everything that the two of us had missed. Will texted and asked where we ended up and I let him know. I told him he could come by, but I didn’t expect him to because he never did. When he came by to see us I was surprised. Will is sober now and he was sipping on a non alcoholic beer. Me and Maria were on our second drinks when we realized that something was off. We were both extremely intoxicated despite only having two drinks over the span of 4 or 5 hours. We both talked about how something must have been put in our drinks, and as the bar closed I had to sit for a while and try to determine how we would get home because I’d driven my car. Eventually after everyone left and Will said goodbye to some people that he knew, the three of us stood at my car and thought of a plan. I could barely walk. Liam came to say hi before he left. In the end, Maria drove us to my place while Will followed, and then Will drove Maria home. When I hugged them goodbye I asked Will to come back after, and when he dropped Maria off, he did.

Will came back and we went to get food where we would always go when we used to hang out together. We sat in my driveway and ate and talked. We went into my apartment and he gave me his shirt so that I could get a stain out when he spilled something on it. I remember him carrying me. I remember him sitting down with me on his lap in my bed. I remember him kissing my neck first, and then we kissed, and then he was touching me. I loved him and he was sober and there was something in my drink and I could barely process where I was, but all I knew was that I spent so many months wanting him to want me and now he was here. It was so intimate. Then he just left. I was alone, and when I looked at my reflection, I knew that we were the only two that would ever know about this. He took Liam’s shirt that I’d stolen. I woke up with a spotty memory and a bruise on my face. 

My life ended a couple years ago and started again in March. I find myself wondering why my life didn't end again then, on the night of September 6th. When we were at a party in high school and the boy who stole my first kiss ended up telling me I needed to do more or he'd tell everyone, I took the train to you that night and you held me while I cried. It's hard doing this without you. I wish I could just drop everything and go to where you are now.

Missing you,

undergradinlife

[thesecretattic]

Tassels & Fringes

Whatever I’m sharing is half hearted and it’s Contd. from the previous post, I’m committing Sui-cd I won’t be wearing it. My condition was too bad when I woke up and although I’ve been given a lighter dose of meds they are still heavy for me because I have become internally weak due to this constant emotional battle, so it gets worse this way or that way.

I didn’t want to waste that money on anything bad or at all those places where they cheat and give nothing but a kerchief in the name of a Dupatta (which is the main component, if it’s a sari it’s the pallu, in clothes it’s the dupatta which sort of highlights your outfit, and finishes the entire look, you can also style it in many ways) I browsed one store but then I realised they were giving free stuff to bloggers and I liked whatever they had but in anything heavier I just felt like they were cheating, the dupatta was as small as you get in children’s wear and the collection was also getting slightly dreary or repetitive, honestly it wasn’t worth more than 7-8k but it was pricier, you get better options from some store at hailing from the Khan Market or from where I got my stuff which has also been featured in Vogue, one could opt for without Dupatta here but you don’t always find anything matching and like I said it is an integral part of the entire ensemble. I realised apart from the bloggers their clientele list included mostly lower middle class people and they were recklessly spending on these clothes but you know they lack that choice or taste which you’d find relatable… so I thought it would best if I’ll just keep looking, some of you won’t believe me when I’ll say they were indeed getting prodigal here but it was like the camera where some guys (like all the “pantar” gangs) were impressed after wasting 60k on a defective product, hopefully it was just one batch and all the educated people were leaving frustrated reviews. I could make out the quality so I never got it even though I didn’t have a camera for years.

So even here, the material was quite shabby, the quality was not upto the mark, it was looking crinkled right from the beginning and shrunk too, however I did like the rest of their stuff but nothing went with my personality, it was something that I’ve never worn even as a kid maybe it was too feminine and not the kind that I would necessarily like, it mostly had a blend of chikankari and floral panels. So I decided to keep looking… I initially wanted a Choga set I can’t divulge much cuz I do have a lot of eyes on me and I don’t want anyone to imitate me now cuz honestly I’ve always faced this and although I’ve taken it spontaneously (like Coco Chanel once said, “You have to be ready to be copied”) but as u grew up it got unfair because I have never been with any guy ever in my entire life and those girls will take these ideas to impress them, so no I can’t write much no matter how passionate I am about this subject (it’s one of my favourites) I can’t, you can ask me the name of the brand if you want in DMs but I won’t share anything much here. I’m not in the state write anyway, Chogas have originated in Punjab, Kashmir and Pakistan, they are worn oversized and mostly in velvet that’s my preferred choice of fabric so I had picked one and luckily you are getting variety of chogas I had even made a list of designers who are making these things and I was about to buy one but I was not in the state to wear high heels for now like those really tall ones and chogas are already lengthy 48 inches minimum I could’ve customised but I still wanted to avoid the heels and they are huge I anyway wanted the sleeves and the body to be big otherwise what’s the point? And you need heels to carry them… so I chucked that idea for now and got something else which I was determined to get and I had something specific, I got 2 of them + one set for Bakri Eid. So I’m gonna cut everything short and directly share what all I have purchased, all sales/offer details are in the other post. I do like certain looks which are more feminine it’s not like I don’t but like I said I had something specific in mind, there was a 3rd item which I had liked from the other store from where I got most of my stuff, it was very beautiful, it was white with a Satin Kurti it had some thread work near the lapel and the bottom hemline and it had rose butti work with a sparkly dupatta (I’ll be talking about their dupattas later on) and the bottoms included idk yet it was either white organza or mesh, a layer of that with pink foil lining inside, they were Ghararas, this was one had a Romantic theme it also featured puff sleeves (full length) it was so pretty… I’ll get into further more details later on. It was passionately put together by someone who probably loved fashion just as much as I did.

First up we have this Chanderi Suit with Organza Dupatta in Greige, I feel it’s more of an Oyster Grey in real life, the material is great, it’s quite luxurious and the cut work gives it that designer’s edge, I prefer places where they don’t compromise on the quality or the fabric or any kind of needlework. And amidst all the competition I really appreciate it when these stores or designers take enough initiative to give you something worthy which justifies the price tag and also earns them more credibility cuz it doesn’t look like they are flaking on it… I love the material like I said and the shipping was fast because they had it ready since it’s quite light and simple, I think it’s perfect for Eid, I have a matching choker in a Rustic finish with taupe Kundan beads to go along with that. You can’t make out much in the photo but it’s this crisp chanderi with a thick organza dupatta and quality is awesome, it looks different in the photos but in real life the material is rich and beautiful.

I had a Sabyasachi Patiala ages ago when I would go out, in my late teens from Fort, he had a smaller boutique back then which was later expanded into this beautiful atelier with a tiny booth inside (downstairs) where he launched his first jewellery collection. I got it from the SS range so the colour was summery and light, it was coral with lace embroidery which was there throughout the kurta as well as the dupatta, it was entirely in net with fulls sleeves and there was chun at the wrist, there was one last piece left and another girl who had come with her mom was constantly eyeing it when she saw it in my hand, we did an advanced payment and got it delivered cuz it was an impromptu purchase. But there was still Eid coming up so I had an occasion to wear it. I had paired it beautiful ethnic earrings I didn’t want to overdo much as the neck was already very beautiful. I still have it tucked away safely in my closet, back then the prices were not that high, it was for 32k and you would also get cotton ones in a lesser range but they would sell out very fast within a short span of time cuz all the Billi Masis would pounce on them and even fight if they had to, that’s how rich people get rich… they save money. I always looked up to them and knew I’ll be like them one day, it’s good to be catty and wise and they were all so very sophisticated - which is not the same as being rich, it just means being cultured with a refined taste, that’s my definition. The sari lehenga which I was talking about in one of my coincidences, that too was from Sabyasachi I had tried it on where I was barely 16, it was in Champagne gold which would blend into a beautiful ombré in shades of mauve & purple, I was telling my mom I’ll get my dream job and buy something like that for my engagement when I’ll get married, it was for 1.2 lakh. It had a fish cut and a little ghera at the bottom, it was relatively more modern than the rest of his stuff although I’m myself much more interested in ethnic wear, I do feel it was refreshing for a change. It was glamorous too… I had taken a lehenga, I won’t lie but people see it very materialistically so it was one of the most coveted things in my wardrobe and I still remember the pic that I had taken (it was very beautiful even the look that I had put together with that messy bun and matte lipstick) it was envied a lot and I had delete it later on. So my current state can be understood from that (jealousy is a very bad thing) and especially in India people are such, they don’t see things as something to be admired or appreciated such as the work or design, some of us do, that’s why we even buy it but there are certain people who only see these things as (monetary) “assets”. There was a time when I wanted to be a fashion designer cuz you know how much I love fashion and style ever since I was 2-3 years old lol so I would visit these boutiques and even browse the bridal collection spontaneously ie. even if I knew I couldn’t afford it, we had taken a lehenga for some wedding, but I wasn’t sure if I would’ve been able to buy one (on my own) from the much more pricier range if I had to that is, for my for own wedding… so people need to take things in their stride instead of envying others, they don’t even visit these stores so they are not aware of the exact price range and they believe it is all super expensive (well now it is) but like I said they see these things as assets to flaunt and they assume everyone is like that.

As an adult, I don’t think it matters much, not that I liked it because of the price range I have never been an “Elitist”… it’s not required. I loved Sabya’s (heritage) style, but it’s too expensive now, I still believe he is definitely one of the best and the most prolific designers of India in fact he’s celebrated all across the world and it’s something really cool. I can’t write much so keeping it short if I were to get married, for me the label or the price tag wouldn’t have mattered, I just wanted something of my choice something that I would’ve really liked, something special, and luckily you have a lot of emerging designers nowadays who are making such beautiful outfits so you are bound to find something or the other in fact you’ll probably have a hard time choosing from an overwhelming range of options… I think my style has evolved over the years and as a grown I feel like I it’s best to save money considering all the uncertainty in today’s times. Here are a few references you can enlarge the photos, I really love their look, it’s very sober like the 90s, it’s traditional & heavy but at the same time - minimalistic, it’s well balanced I can’t write much as I’m feeling really weak and lifeless rn due to my infection and meds so I’m gonna directly skip to the good part… haha I just wanted to give an idea of what I really like and there’s more if you’ll continue reading. I was determined to get something specific and I’ll be talking about that as well but in short.

I had something in mind… I told my mother about that childhood friend and her gown (she was wearing gowns in maximum functions) and they had a cake and all & I was like some people prefer a very modern look (she was saying all youngsters buy like that but I wanted to explain my choice) so I told her I was totally into I regional styles such as a mix of Rajasthani, Punjabi, Karachi. She realised I wanted something which was traditional to core, I had written about it earlier in one of my blog posts, I found one place where they had exactly what I wanted, an eclectic blend of Gota, Butti, Zari work & foil, etc. I wanted something which had Shagun dupattas and oadhnis + you know those tacky shimmery ones with that typical sharara fringe and foil Patti design or different types of threadwork/karigari just like the brides who dress up there, you even get such things while street shopping so I only had those fancy dupattas in mind in net, organza or tissue. Whatever I had in mind was both bold and slightly elaborate and here we are… I kept looking for something like that and I realised a lot of designers were making such things, I’ve made a list of my top 5 fav boutiques and I am really happy with my overall shopping experience. Here… I didn’t buy this as it was quite heavy but I can describe it to you (not much cuz not well)

I love these two outfits, one of them has a jacquard layer underneath, the other one has a dupatta which is inspired by Shagun dupattas with criss cross design, they are in red, this one is in a béautiful sea green colour that I really wanted. I didn’t buy it because it was heavier and I’m not actually getting married right now but I’ve kept this place in mind (people would believe I’m “crazy” or assume I’m still hoping for someone which is more than insensitive it’s in fact appalling, they take away your hope and then they assume you’ll be crazy enough to believe in love again or keep them in mind while discussing these clothes, I was talking about a celibate contract marriage without intimacy just platonic that too I have no one)

Here, this is the first thing from my purchase, it’s light and summery again and I love the colour palette: Pastel Leaf Green with a deeper salmon pink dupatta in net typical Rajasthani style, I love the neck and which perfectly goes with the sleeveless pattern, the only thing I was worried about was the Gharara because I initially thought it was one of those crinkled cotton skirts which look very basic but then I realised it was georgette that too ruched which will look very stylish… how pretty right? Luckily I had a discount coupon valid on minimum 30k so when I bought 2 I was able to avail max 8k off… they had a certain limit and I was not able to get a complete 30% disc. but something’s better than nothing and I am really happy with my choice, I bagged them for 24500/- which exceeded the budget that I was given but I got 2 (thanks to the offer) so I guess that’s justified. I had taken that choker last year so it’s either going to be that or the earrings not both, I think choker will go better with this, the burgundy purple drops would match this leaf green colour and the dupatta as well.

Next, I got this although it was an exception as I am not a huge fan of full sleeves, I prefer 3/4th or small ones but it reminded me of Punjabi Brides that’s why it was so special to me, as a 3 year old I would always say I’ll marry a Punjabi cuz I guess I always found them very cheerful and free spirited, I loved their culture, all the music and dhol and dancing, I also believe Sangeet has to be Punjabi if not then it won’t make any sense c’mon… The colour scheme of this outfit is: Mint Green and Ivory with lots of pink, gold and ruby red… it also had those beautiful beaded drops at the hem near the border, you can zoom it. The Dupatta is dual toned I’m glad they didn’t forget or sideline it, and I love the thread work, the border the fringe everything… it was hard to miss out on these and I also loved that other White one which I had described earlier on top. These two have a similar colour scheme… l guess I was drawn to them because of that, I really love how they’ve infused the red it’s so pretty and look at the beaded drops below (zoom the hemline) 🧿

That’s it I’m signing off now, bye xoxo Zara Sauleh

[stormy333]

Questions

But lately, what I’ve been crying about most is myself the person I used to be and lost and the person in the present with no clue about her future.

TW; Depression, Unknown, Foul Langue, overall sadness

Hello and welcome back to the Realm of Nothing!!! I am the Queen of Nothing right? Or is that just who I pretend to be? Do I really believe that nothing is everything and everything is nothing? I know I have been so mixed with my messages lately with Sober 2.0 and well I think that is the main mixed message I am not sure. Quite frankly I am SO fucked up in my mind right now I cannot tell what’s really right and left or up and down.

I used to know exactly who I was. I was Hailey Marie (Black) Isaacs “Pastor Joe’s daughter” straight A student, never miss a Sunday, always do what’s right not what’s easy, veterinarian/teacher want to be. That is where I saw myself. I saw myself at 17 -18 with the story book romance being with the one I loved and about to walk down the aisle at Graduation Day. Then go to the university of Florida, maybe I can be a teacher and a vet who cares I will have time to work out the details right? Maybe get married around 22 or 23 then by the time I get whichever degree I want I will be ready to be a mom. But life has other ideas, right? God specifically has a different plan.

It is 2021, it’s grad year. My class so many are preparing to graduate, the displays are everywhere, every time I go into work it’s there in my face. Here’s the thing I am super proud of everyone who is graduating this year and support them fully. I also have no regrets when it comes to the decision I made, I made it for my mental and physical health and that’s hella more important than some stereotype. But here’s where I am mentally. Good for them but just because I made a MATURE or stupid (however the frick you want to see it) decision doesn’t mean it was bloody easy. You don’t know what someone is going through or their reasons for doing whatever it is they did. Which brings me back to a point I think everyone should think about including myself; Just because someone did something YOU do not freaking approve of does not make them not worth it or a bad person. Check yourself before you wreck yourself honestly. I’ve had to do a lot of that lately so trust me I'm not just shifting responsibility. Or telling you something that I would not try to put into or try to put into action myself.

Now onto more questions.... I hear that it is a normal teenage thing though, trying to find yourself. Making mistakes and learning things the hard way. Right?

Want to know something I learned recently? Some lessons are shitty. The lesson most recently learned and hardest taken was that you can so easily become the person you hate in a heartbeat. It’s dark and scary but it happens. I did that I was the person I didn’t want to be. I hurt someone pretty bad, and I can’t change it and don’t have the option to make it better. BUT I can forgive myself and move forward and be more cautious as to not do it again. Guess what though? No matter how hard you try you will never be perfect so stop trying just to be you and be a better you be kinder. Pay attention to how you feel to, because Honey it isn’t just about them. It’s about you too and there is such a thing as taking TO MUCH responsibility. Own up to your actions but know that it’s a two-way street.

Next, if you’re still with me?🔨🍷.

I always wonder why I’m the only one not in a relationship always curious why the hopeless romantic the one who is die hard true love believer why she hasn’t found someone she can actually see herself with? Simple answer she had to at the very least begin to accept things about herself, plus there is more to life than dating (no offence). I used to only want to be in a relationship it was like my only desire but now I’m like dude that would be okay and don’t get me wrong I still want that, but I want the old school lets be friends for a while and build up a bond then outta nowhere ask me out and shock me but flatter me and come tell/meet my family. Bruh lets go old school. Trust me on this I want to flatter you a bit too. But I want all this I want it to be real and mean something and not be pointless or a waste of either of our times. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is nah I don’t give a rip about a relationship right now because I wanna hang out, I wanna be a kid. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again and I want to go have some fun, go on long drives, go to the beach or camping or horseback riding or try something new or even just star gazing and yeah, I wanna share that with someone but I don’t want to rush a relationship because I want those memories to lead to the wedding or family dinner or whatever. If I am for you, I’m for the long haul. And I’d hope you are too. I want a solid foundation and hey if we go out and make those memories as just friends and we both end up friends for life but married to different people I’m good with that; let's make lifelong memories to tell our families so they can make fun of us or whatever. Sturdy foundation is important in a friendship and a relationship so let's work on the foundation and see where life takes us?

Another question I have always pondered the answer to is why, why the fuck is this on me? Why do I have to be strong? Just why? This one I don’t know the answer to, but I suspect it has something to do with the fact I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone. Or that it builds character? Tests my relationship with the man upstairs. I’m still not sure but these are theories. It also raises questions like why do I push everyone away? If I'm such a romantic, why do I push everyone out?  Ha the answer to this one I could do a separate blog on but it’d be depressing as fuck. So, I'm going to give you a simple/ less depressing answer. I think. Once someone sees what it’s really like to be with me all the sickness all the depression all the anger all of that their gonna walk away or at least that’s what my mind says so to avoid any more damage and hurt just push them away simple right? Hurt myself for a few before they can hurt me longer aye?

Anyways I think that will be all for this long depressing post. I’m sorry for the length and the sadness but its reality so welcome to my mind? I love you guys and am so thankful for those of you who read my blog it means a lot. There will likely be more like this as we walk into my dark mind and try to figure life out but nonetheless you never have to read it if you don’t want to :)

Hails

[tipsycad147]

Hypnotherapy; A Tool For Healing Ourselves and The World

Omgosh where do I even start. Hypnotherapy has been the theme lately. Everywhere I turn, I’m being bombarded with hypnotherapy information. And boy am I here for it.

I’ve known of it’s existence for years but never really took much to it. It wasn’t MY path and although I found it interesting, I felt no pull towards it.

As of late, though, the universe has had other plans for me.

I remember when hypnotherapy was laughed at. As many watched someone quacking like a duck on stage and shifted their eyes at it’s validity.

And I was one of them. Despite what many may think given the topics I speak on, I’ve always been a skeptic. Wanting to believe but looking for explanation from both the scientific and spiritual side. Being sure to always keep my mind (& 3rd eye) open.

So when I came across classes to become a certified hypnotherapist years ago, I sent them right along their way to my friend Chelsey Perry. As having done so, won myself quite a few sessions as per her homework along the way.

I’ve been honored and thrilled to be her guinea pig as it aids my own study into my self, others, the power of the mind and so so so much more!

What is hypnotherapy?

Hypnotherapy is just a deepened state of meditation aided by the guidance of another. In this trance state, many things can be done and explored. Including but not limited to:

Changing habits

Understanding / healing past events

Understanding one’s self or others

Receiving answers to one’s problems

Identifying patterns

Reducing anxiety and depression

And so so so much more.

Everyone responds differently to hypnotherapy and the results can be quite astounding. Of course, it is what you want out of it. You have to go into it with a willing and cooperative mind if you wish to receive the best results.

The two of us started out with working on lessening my anxiety. I can’t really say if it helped or not. As I’m convinced that my anxiety is a concrete anchor in my destiny and something I may never completely shake.

Exploring the Energetic Realms

We then moved our attentions to the more interesting subject of a simple past life regression where I expressed my own skepticism to Chelsey of our findings.

How did we know my mind wasn’t just making things up? I’ve always had what people called “an overactive imagination”. How could we trust what was popping up in my head?

I can tell you, though, that the images were vivid. So much so that I sit here years later with their crisp images and emotions still readily available in my mind and heart.

Dolores Cannon, a famous hypnotherapist, did us an amazing service with her books. Bringing the impossible and extraordinary into alignment with our understanding of how the world works.

I became introduced to her book “Conversations With Nostradamus” first, where she stumbles across some very interesting space time continuum oddities.

I was immediately taken with the content in the book and noticed suddenly that “Dolores Cannon” was popping up everywhere, urging me to read her “Convoluted Universe” series. So away I went. Highly recommend if you’re interested in physics, metaphysics and the “secrets of the universe”.

Dolores Cannon was able to expand our minds, realities and capabilities of hypnotherapy as a tool for studying the possibilities of the less physical. Aside from past life regression, she took us on a grand journey of other worlds just as real as ours. Transported us across space-time and dimensions into a better understanding of ourselves and a better future we could create for ourselves.

Her work has been life changing to most (if not all) who touch her works. I’m sure I’ll have more to say on her in later posts!

Bridging The Gap Between Physics and Metaphysics

Moving forward is no more than my own theories on the matters of hypnotherapy and how it could truly be accomplishing all it claims. Furthermore, we’re only going to touch on the claims in these 2 books, as I haven’t yet gotten any further in the series yet.

Truly grand are they indeed, though. Giving us plenty to discuss here and setting us up for our own series of discussions on the topic!

How could she truly be speaking with Nostradamus?

In Dolores Cannon’s Nostradamus series it’s specified that she is not speaking with Nostradamus’ spirit but to he, himself. Alive and well in his little bubble of time.

Physics itself tells us that time is not linear. We simply perceive it as so. Instead, it’s all happening at once. Everything that ever was or ever will be is unfolding simultaneously.

If this is true, perhaps she did stumble across a way to bridge this distance and speak with the legend himself.

This is touched on later in the books as a timing synchronicity and how it’s all still moving and moments in time must be lined up with one another in order for this communication to take place.

If we think of time as a spiral, perhaps we can understand this alignment more.

Understanding past life regression, speaking with the higher self and others:

Two things I want to cover here. You may choose whichever you like.

Either this is similar to the above mentioned trans-time communication, extending also into alternate realities and dimensions via the mind and spirit as we are all one and extend from source which we are all a part of.

Or it’s a matter of our subconscious directing us through a means of story telling. In either circumstance, lessons are meant to be learned so that we may heal, grow and move into the “New Earth.”

Aside from past lives and the theory of reincarnation, hypnotherapy revealed that some past life stories are simply defaulted into the library as a means of teaching and, in fact, may not belong to the person/spirit observing them through past life regression.

Therefore, in my opinion, it doesn’t really matter if it’s “real” or not. As “real” is what each one of us decides it to be for ourselves. What matters is that we listen with open minds and open hearts to the directions we’re being pointed to. As undoubtedly, the message does have our best interest at heart, both individually and as a whole.

Magic is just tech and reality we don’t understand yet

We’ve only just begun to fathom the possibilities of this world we live in. Every day, findings are being made that twists our minds and understandings of what “real” is. Each discovery grander than the last.

I can’t begin to understand the engineering side of the technology and how to replicate the wonderous things revealed in hypnotherapy sessions. Per my studies though, in the mind and metaphysical, as far as the spirit and energy are concerned, everything so far checks out at least in some form.

Hypnotherapy provides us an invaluable tool for understanding. Thus aiding us in our journey to heal not only individually but as a people.

I’m a believer and happy to be so.

By  S.S.Blake;

https://earthandwater.co/hypnotherapy-a-tool-for-healing-ourselves-and-the-world/