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poisonfallen · 3 years

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Your take on cancel culture and stan culture?

Oh boy, oh boy, it's happening.

Alright, let's talk about toxic people on the internet. And keep in mind that my opinion goes beneath the mcyt community. I feel the same about the kpop community and any other community that is famous for having lots of toxic people.

Also, keep in mind that this is my opinion about these topics, I don’t intend to offend or misinform anybody. I might be wrong, and if I am wrong indeed, please help me correct any mistake that I’ve done.

Cancel culture

Before ranting about its toxicity, let's understand what it actually means and how it works.

What is cancel culture?

Well, according to Wikipedia, “cancel culture or call-out culture is a modern form of ostracism in which someone is thrust out of social or professional circles – whether it be online, on social media, or in person” (source).

Basically, cancel culture is the process of ceasing offering support to a public figure after saying or doing something that is considered objectionable or offensive.

In theory, cancel culture is a good thing that helps the victims speak up and properly defend themselves, as well as preventing other people from doing the same mistakes. No harm done to innocent people, just a way of saying why a certain person or a certain company has done something that really hurt a category of people. Some even say that it’s an exercise of free speech.

However, while a culture that encourages calling out inappropriate behaviour is important, a culture that is quick to cancel and reluctant to forgive is something that divides the internet and starts wars in the trial of defending an opinion that is not shared by every single person on the internet, thus becoming the thing that its purpose is to defeat. (a vicious cycle of hatred)

So why is it toxic?

From my point of view, I don’t think that cancel culture is a toxic thing in theory. But the way people actually use it is what concerns (and bothers) me.

In its current form, anonymous and fuelled by negative emotions, cancel culture has the power to destroy a person’s career in a matter of minutes. There are no gray areas, just the white and black pack mentality: “I am right and you are wrong”.

The subject of the cancelation becomes “cancelled” for disagreeing with a certain opinion, and the cancelled one feels like the whole world is hating them. No one can argue that going through a cancellation, no matter how big or small it is, can severely affect one’s mental health and leave them scarred for life.

Cancel culture, at this point, is bullying someone famous without facing the consequences. We are already used to surf the web and stumble across someone’s cancelation over something that not even in our wildest dreams we would be able to imagine otherwise.

I think that all of us are familiar with a stupid cancelation, like canceling someone over a burger that somehow became the sole reason of obesity (see: Dream MrBeast burger). We can’t help but laugh at people trying to cancel someone for a stupid reason.

But, unfortunately, not all of our cancelations are stupid or laughable. There are people cancelled over their physical aspect or them not being political active, people cancelled over being friends with certain people or over saying something that is now considered to be slightly offensive a few years ago. The ones who are under the spotlight can’t make jokes or take decisions by themselves, they are supposed to be the marionettes of their fans.

(I do not intend to say that all cancelations are bad, but I’m trying to highlight how the majority of the most recent cancelations are out of place. If someone actually tries to actively harm your minority, your beliefs etc. you should call out that inappropriate behaviour, but without purposely harming that person as a means of payback)

There is also a toxic behaviour that I’ve noticed in a cancelation: the “I forgive you”/”I don’t forgive you” phrase used by people who have no right to do so. If you are part of the minority who has been hurt, then you have every right to forgive or not someone for saying or doing something hurtful towards your minority.

But if you are not a part of that minority, shut the f*** up. By speaking on behalf of a minority while you aren’t part of that minority you take away the right of actually addressing the issue from the people who are part of that minority. You can support them from the sides and let them express their pain with their own voice. They perfectly capable of addressing the issue, they need your support but not you taking the spotlight away from the actual problem.

What is my take on cancel culture?

I think that there are more civil ways of resolving an issue without actively trying to destroy someone’s career. Instead of cancelling that person, we could educate them (but not in that harmful way I’ve seen on twitter) on the subject and on why their words or actions are hurtful.

We should remember that we are all humans and that every human makes mistakes. Don’t forget that children learn by making mistakes. And while I’m well aware that we are not talking about children here, you should also be well aware that we are talking about actual humans with feelings.

Cancelation should be the last weapon we use, but only if that person refuses to give an apology and educate themselves on the subject.

Overall, don’t. Just don’t cancel people. Don’t attack people on the internet. Don’t try to harm people on the internet.

Some of you might disagree with my opinion and I’m open to criticism as long as you can help me educate more on the subject.

Now let’s move on to the other topic

Stan culture

Before I start talking about this one, I’d like to point out that stans actually scare me, a lot.

What is stan culture?

“Stan culture describes an online phenomenon in which communities of stalker fans, or stans, engage in overly enthusiastic support of a favorite celebrity online (called “stanning”), including at times vehement, coordinated attacks against detractors and critics” (source).

Basically stan = stalker + fan.

There are also people who say that the word stan comes from Eminem’s song “Stan” which tells the story of a crazed fan. I do recommend listening to the lyrics of this song if Eminem is not your cup of tea, it’s a good intake in what stan culture was at the beginning of 2000′s.

To be honest, I don’t have anything more to add at this section. Anything more I’d say would, in the end, be the same as what was already stated. (but you can see my opinion on it with more comments at the end)

It stan culture toxic?

You have to live under a rock if you had never seen a stan on twitter or tumblr. You usually recognize them by their profile pictures, the content they share, their posts and their ready to argue behaviour in case you insult or disagree with the ones they worship.

I’d like to point out that there is a fine line between a stan and a fan: stans know no length when it comes to defending their object of worship and often have really toxic ways of expressing their opinions, while a fan is there just to enjoy their favourite content without engaging in harmful discussion and hate speeches.

This topic is filled with controversy. In essence, stanning should be a means of showing support. The majority of them don’t even realize the toxicity they spread only after leaving the fandom.

The real problem here is the moment when they engage in conflicts without entertaining the thought that they might be wrong. Anything they do is right and their object of worship can say or do no mistake. This extends to the point of sending death threats and even doxxing.

For those who don’t know about doxxing, short for dropping dox: doxxing is an internet slang that means to publish personal information (of an individual) on the internet. You can find more about it here.

With no intend to disrespect or disregard one’s religious beliefs, you can say that stanning is like being part of a religion. The stans are the extremist people who practice that religion, while the fans are those who practice it from time to time (eg. like a Christian who goes to Church only on Christmas and Easter - me).

In the end, stan culture is toxic to both the stans and celebrities.

Is there a connection between stan culture and cancel culture?

They are both toxic internet cultures, this one is right for sure.

From what I’ve noticed during my short timed stay on twitter, a lot of cancelations are made by stans from the same community or different communities.

I’m part of mcyt community, so I’ve seen a lot of Dream fans and Dream antis fighting over the past months, trying to cancel each other and harm each other. It’s mental seeing people actively trying to do these kind of things just because they love or hate a certain person. Of course that we can’t tie the situation to a certain content creator.

I know that his also happens a lot in the kpop community where stans are in a constant fight to destroy the career of each other’s favourite idol group or bias (someone's most favorite member of an idol group).

What is my take on stan culture?

I feel like I need to repeat myself: stans scare the s*** out of me.

It’s like their sole purpose in life is to support someone and don’t have the basic sense of boundaries. A lot of problems arise with this: like shipping people who are uncomfortable being shipped with, intense sexualizing (sexualizing the minors is the worst from my point of view), creating drama and intentionally ignoring real world problems just to make their favourite person(s) trend, and the list is so long that I feel like I’d create a record on tumblr for the longest post if I go on.

We are talking about some weird adaptation of Lord of the Flies where children raise each other on the internet. It’s like a cult and they are brainwashed into believing what everybody else thinks. And the worst part is that I don’t think we’ll ever get better from this, things are only going south to heaven.

I might be wrong and biased, so I do expect someone to help me understand these topics better, but for now these are my firm opinions.

I’d also like to clarify, once again, that in the religion example I’m not making fun of Christianity, I’m just using it as a means to help people better understand my point.

#if you think doxxing and death threats are justified unfollow me #I'm sorry but I'm so fucking sick of internet at this point #or even better block me you fucking coward #I feel like I have lots of words misspelled but it is what it is #cancel culture #stan culture #mcyt #kpop #free speech #censorship #stanning #important #personal opinion #ask

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lucidpantone · 3 years

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Now that it's over, can you tell us things that you had to keep quit about while the show was airing or while they were filming?

French Intern basically stop trying because she was like the voice of reason and literally continuously said shit but was just ignored so she kinda got over it. Few people from the crew aka some freelancers were more then happy not to come back and move on from the show. So quite a few cast members wished their characters were wrapped up differently then the way they were. Oh and best one Romi read the tag during her season bruh!!! She read the tag and used her friend’s tumblr to access it and followed the twitter fandom during her season and thats why she called that meeting because she was seeing everyone's complaints but I was told she read the tag alot and I was like yessshhh. Why would she do that to herself.....The actual stalking of Willem DS was actually 1000x worse then you guys couldnt even imagine their was some super private content that people shared of him like to the point that was like my god what is wrong of people. Nothing NSFW btw. Also Nora signed off this season and yes she saw most of it. She is fine with it. Not sure if she was just done with the show or what and wanted to move on but she saw the season and was okay with it. I am not sure if she saw all of it edited down but she signed off on alot of it. Oh and this is interesting my connect who isnt cast or crew told me once that sometimes they feel that wtfock production and sputnik sorta of manipulate the young cast. Like everyone is really nice and it feels like family but sometimes people forget its still business and that ultimately sputnik has their best interest at heart. Also Rutgers was described to me as nice sorta of a dad vibe but also very business savvy like he isnt stupid he knows what to say to appease employees short term. Which I thought was an interesting description of him.There is more I just have to think but when I remember more I will post. Best to just ask me questions because sometimes that lights up memories.

#lucidpantone anons

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puddygeeks · 3 years

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ℙ𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕟𝕖𝕣𝕤 𝕀𝕟 ℂ𝕣𝕚𝕞𝕖 - 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝟙𝟘𝟘, 𝕁𝕠𝕙𝕟 𝕄𝕦𝕣𝕡𝕙𝕪 𝕩 𝕆ℂ - ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟙𝟛: 𝕊𝕥𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕪 ℍ𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕤

Masterlist

Episode: Earth Kills

Rating: Mature

Summary: Trusting people is what landed Cassidy in the Skybox. Now that she’s here, silence is the only protection that she can depend on. She succeeded in being invisible to almost all of the dangerous teenagers that she was imprisoned with. Until she caught the attention of one rebel who couldn’t resist the thrill of the chase.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: John Murphy x OC

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Language, sex, anxiety, manipulation, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

A/N: I am so, so sorry for how long it's been! Don't worry. I would never forget about these precious beans. My husband and I had a perfect wedding day and are now able to return to normal life! Thank you so much for being patient with me and for being so supportive. I appreciate every vote and comment that is left. Please continue to leave me comments as they really do help me to fight the mental health demons and keep writing. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! If you would like to nose at some of our wedding photos, you can see them on my Tumblr which is under the same username as here :)

☓ ღ ➵ ღ ☓

Chapter 13

Running my hands through my hair, I sighed thoughtfully. The room in the top of the dropship was dimly lit and hauntingly quiet since Jasper last passed out from pain. Most likely, it was the sudden change from his screaming to utter silence. I couldn’t deny that his suffering had been gradually wearing me down. Despite my best efforts to prevent it, I blamed myself for not knowing how to help him.

Pacing around the room in an effort to prompt some inspiration, I muttered the sections of medical study that I had memorised under my breath. Monty sat in the corner obsessively working on the wristbands, his desperation to communicate to the Ark too powerful to be weakened by my madness.

With little else that I could do to assist him, I approached Jasper's side to place a freshly damp cloth on his forehead. His skin was practically boiling and he poured sweat. His poor condition was impossible to miss, leaving a sinking feeling in my chest.

“What about making our own antibiotics?” I suggested, glancing at Monty over my shoulder with a sense of dwindling hope.

We’d been trading ideas for hours between his experiments with the wristbands, but nothing had come to fruition thus far. If anything, it simply made me realise how thankful I was that he had been part of our crew. Combining the knowledge of his parents with his technical expertise, he was likely the most valuable member of our camp.

“I’ve seen my parents do it with some pretty basic ingredients, but not anything that we could find in the wilderness.” He sighed, rubbing at his tired eyes after hours of shared brainstorming. “Not unless someone snuck a bottle of vinegar in their clothes.” He added, forcing a weak smile as he peered up at me and I chuckled.

“I’m not sure that I would put anything past them at this point.” I remarked, turning back to examine Jasper. “I remember reading something about Myrrh having antibacterial benefits once.” I muttered as I checked each of his wounds with a grimace, noticing that they were steadily getting worse rather than better.

“Myrrh? Like in the bible?” Monty questioned in a sceptical tone, gaining little more than a thoughtful hum in response. “I hate to burst your bubble, Cas, but I think that we might be on the wrong continent for Myrrh.” He teased, as I rubbed at my temples in frustration.

“Right. Stupid Earth.” I grumbled, already tiring of the challenges of our new life.

Although supplies had been limited and carefully rationed on the Ark, there were usually multiple treatment options at our fingertips. No amount of studying would have prepared for me the reality of living on a planet that had changed exponentially since any of our textbooks were written. It was frustrating to know that a few weeks ago, Jasper’s wounds which were now life threatening would have been an easy fix.

“The grounders cauterised this wound and applied a poultice.” I explained, feeling uncomfortable at the thought that they had done more for him than I could. “That means there is something useful in these woods. They’ve found a way to survive for all this time. They just have dealt with worse ailments than this without antibiotics or medical equipment. We just have to figure it out too.” I theorised, rubbing at my face in an effort to wake myself.

“What if we can’t?”

The question emerged in such a faint, terrified voice that I could practically feel my heart breaking for Monty. In all of the time that I’d spent training to work in Medical, there was little I dreaded more than having to tell a family member that we couldn’t save their loved one. Even the very thought of telling Monty that his best friend would suffer a slow and painful death from sepsis made my legs tremble with terror. Instead, I resolved not to allow this to happen, whatever I had to do.

“That’s not an option.” I asserted, turning to face him with a determined expression. “We’re not going to lose him.” I started firmly, earning the first genuine smile that I had seen from Monty since we arrived.

The hours seemed to drag as we sat in a silence that was only comfortable thanks to our familiarity. Occasionally, Jasper would stir awake and cry out in pain. In these moments, Monty would hold his hand and whisper soothing words whilst I did my best to make him more comfortable. It was strenuous for the both of us, but we kept each other strong.

The rosiness that usually filled Jasper’s cheeks was missing, replaced by a pallid grey skin tone that began to resemble that of a corpse. Despite my best efforts to keep his wounds clean, the edges were becoming swollen and red. Without antibiotics, there was little that I could do to prevent an infection from developing and I knew all too well that if this were to happen, it would only be a matter of time until we lost him.

As the night went on his screaming only increased in frequency, being met with wicked comments from campers who seemed annoyed by his will to survive. Their cruelty only worsened my already frazzled nerves. A newfound anger settled alongside my stress as I passed the time imagining ways to punish those without enough compassion to understand that they could easily find themselves in his shoes.

With no awareness of the time it was impossible to know how long we had managed to pass, but I could feel my eyelids growing heavy. My head bobbed as I struggled to remain upright, rubbing at my face with exhaustion.

“Hey. Thought I would check up on you.” Clarke announced as she climbed from the ladder onto our floor, her energy allowing me a boost. “How’s he doing?” She asked, nervously glancing between us as if she dreaded the answer and I ushered her closer.

“I actually wanted your opinion on something.” I offered, waiting for her to settle by my side before I put my plan into motion. “Shit. Monty, could you grab us some more water please?” I called over my shoulder, feeling a wave of relief wash over me when he immediately accepted the request.

Although I couldn’t shelter him from much, it seemed morbid to allow him to overhear our panicked conversations about the prognosis of his best friend. It was almost impossible to get him to leave Jasper’s side, but I would do anything necessary to shelter him from the worst.

Once he had reached the bottom of the ladder, I pulled back the dressing that covered the spear wound for Clarke to examine.

“The infection is spreading. His fever keeps rising and I think he’s becoming septic. If we don’t think of something soon, he won’t make it through another night.” I revealed in a hushed voice, leaning on her for some level of emotional support in the face of such unpleasant news.

“Damn! Isn’t there anything we could do?” She enquired, glancing down at him with a sadness that reflected my own.

“It’s already been cauterised, but the surrounding area is still dying.” I sighed, running my hands through my hair in a gesture of stress. “We could cut back the skin, but it’s an extreme treatment. It might not even help. We need to treat the problem, not the symptoms.” I explained, repeating one of the golden rules that Abby had drilled into me throughout my time shadowing her.

“Doesn’t sound like we have many other options.” She commented, stroking his hair back from his face tenderly and it was clear that she felt as guilty for even considering this as I did. “We’ll wait a bit longer. I’m sure you and Monty will come up with something better.” She decided, flashing me a hopeful smile that made me gulp down my nerves.

By now, Monty had arrived with the water and I refreshed the cloth to cool Jasper’s face. I held it to his forehead, then his cheeks, hoping to reduce his temperature even just slightly and he mumbled in his sleep. Even without glancing up from my patient, I could sense Monty smiling at me with appreciation.

Clarke returned to her night off, attempting to get some much needed sleep after numerous nights of the exact soul destroying exhaustion we were fighting at this moment. In spite of how awful we both felt, we remained vigilant at Jasper’s side. In the time that he had been incapacitated, I’d come to realise how important the vibrant boy was to me. If nothing else, being evicted from our home had given me a new sense of clarity.

It was exhausting to keep my mind constantly occupied throughout the night, but I couldn’t give up on finding a solution. Scanning through my memories, I recalled every time that I’d seen anyone deal with an infection in the clinic in the hope that I might find something useful. There were multiple ways of managing this kind of issue with the right tools, but I couldn’t remember a single time that we’d worked with natural treatments.

By the time that the sun rose, I’d still had no luck and sat despairingly with my face in my hands.

“Morning, crew.” Finn announced as he entered the space and I could only manage a groan in response. “Sounds like it’s been a long night. You two should get some air. Clarke will be here in a minute to watch him with me. I can hold the fort for a few.” He offered as Monty and I glanced at each other with uncertainty.

Realising that he had no intention of leaving his friend, I took the opportunity to rise to my feet to stretch out. A deep yawn escaped my lips, forcing me to acknowledge that I might actually need a break to wake my brain. I smiled gratefully at Finn for thinking of us, before making my way outside.

The fresh breeze on my skin was wonderfully refreshing as I took a deep breath of the fresh scent of nature. For a few moments, I simply stood and watched the activity in camp, allowing my mind to relax after a night that felt as if it had lasted for years. I listened to the lull of conversation, birds chirping in the distance and the wind rustling the trees at the edge of camp, until I noticed that Murphy was standing amongst them.

Confused at the idea of him taking time for some quiet self reflection, I made my way in his direction. I’d almost reached him by the time that I noted he wasn’t alone. Bellamy, Atom and Jones were deep into a hushed conversation with him and curiosity motivated me to continue approaching them to investigate. They appeared to be either practicing their weapon throwing skills, or simply indulging in some pointless show of masculinity which for a change didn’t require the audience of the entire camp.

“Look, Bellamy. People are scared.” Atom began as I crept into the bushes to avoid catching their attention, when a particularly loud scream from Jasper interrupted their conversation and left me feeling conflicted on whether I should put aside my nosiness to check whether he needed me.

“And that dying kid! He’s not helping the morale around here.” Atom continued, causing my stomach to lurch with dread as I resolved that I needed to remain here to assess this potential threat to my patient.

“Morale will go up again when I find them more food.” Bellamy answered firmly, seeming intent on maintaining his status as the leader of our camp, much to my disdain.

“And what do we say when they ask about Trina and Pascal?” Jones enquired in a manner that was surprisingly firm considering that he’d been seriously injured barely days ago.

The names they were discussing were unfamiliar to me, but that wasn’t uncommon. I’d hardly bothered to learn the names of anyone here, keeping my distance for my own safety. However, it seemed that there was something significant happening that they were suppressing from public knowledge. I listened carefully, keen to gain any leverage that I could use to protect Jasper if necessary.

“For now? Nothing.” Bellamy answered carelessly. “It’s possible they’re just lost. We’ll keep an eye out for them when we go hunting later.”

Pleased to have overheard something that could be beneficial in future, I began to creep further from the conversation before I could be noticed. I couldn’t help feeling somewhat alarmed at the thought that they would be venturing out again already, but was more significantly distracted by the negative attitude they had shown toward Jasper, and the willingness Bellamy showed to simply ignore the fact that another two members of our camp might have been taken.

“Let’s go kill something.” Murphy muttered, sending a bolt of alarm through me at the realisation that he would be joining them.

“You’re not going.” Bellamy announced as he blocked him from following the two who had already departed. “I need you to stay here. If the grounders are circling, we can’t leave this place unprotected.” He ordered, somewhat recovering some of my respect that he’d just lost by showing at least some limited awareness of the implications of more missing campers.

“Fine.” Murphy muttered in a bitter tone, like a child denied a well-earned treat. “Somebody better tell Goggle Boy to keep it shut.” He added, turning on his heel to launch his dagger at a nearby tree.

Despite the anger that he’d used to throw it, the blade simply bounced off the trunk with practically no impact. I barely managed to wait until Bellamy had left Murphy alone before I stepped out from my hiding place. With a sour expression, I stooped to pick up the weapon and crossed my arms at him, allowing him to feel the full force of my disapproval.

“Goggle Boy?” I repeated, allowing my tone to reveal exactly how disgusted I was with his comment. “When we first arrived, you said he was with you. Now you can’t even call him by his name?” I questioned, watching him squirm under my scrutiny.

“That was when he was useful. At this point, he’s just an inconvenience.” He defended as I thinned my eyes at him with a renewed anger burning in my stomach. “You can’t tell me that noise isn’t driving you crazy?” He spat, glancing up at the dropship furiously as if this were a reasonable justification for behaving like a selfish asshole.

“No. Actually, it’s not. The only thing driving me crazy right now is the amount of people who think it’s acceptable to tell him to hurry up and die when he is fighting for his life.” I growled, noticing that he returned his attention to me with a confused look that indicated a complete lack of understanding about my furious voice. “Seems like the Ark really did send down all of its worst people.” I added, clenching my jaw bitterly.

Murphy cleared his throat and shuffled his feet, seeming lost for words at my reaction. It was the first time that I’d been genuinely upset with him to a degree that he couldn’t sweet talk his way out of. Usually, he could make excuses to avoid an apology, or distract me until he could make up for his mistakes, but now everything that he said only made the situation worse.

“You including me in that category?” He asked, running his thumb along his bottom lip with a smouldering expression in a poor attempt to soften my attitude.

“That depends.” I breathed with a shrug, noticing that he tilted his head at me curiously. “Do you forget the name of everyone you claim to care about if they stop being useful? Or just those that you pretend to care about?”

“Come on, Cassie.” He chuckled in a nonchalant manner which felt entirely meaningless.

His lack of compassion was disappointing, but the flat response to my accusation that whatever relationship we had was artificial was absolutely hurtful. Hesitant to allow him to see that his unreasonable behaviour had upset me, I buried my pain. Instead, I felt myself channeling the mocking attitude that I often witnessed him using whenever someone found a sensitive point in him.

I held out the dagger to him wordlessly, ensuring that my expression was entirely controlled. He glanced down at it warily and seemed to take a few moments to decide whether to respond. His gaze slowly moved to my face, heavy with suspicion before he finally reached out to accept my offer.

Just as his fingers were about to make contact with the handle, I whipped my hand from his grasp. Raising the blade behind my head, I focused my aim on the tree. Thanks to the years of practice keeping my hands steady during delicate procedures, I could balance it with surgical accuracy. Releasing the dagger with a controlled flick, it tore through the air and embedded itself firmly within the bark.

Murphy flinched at the sudden movement and when I turned back to face him, he was staring at me with wide eyed shock.

“It’s all in the wrist. You’d think someone with your insane hunting skills would know that.” I drawled in a low voice, turning on my heel to leave him frozen to the spot.

Although my cutting remark had satisfied some of my temper, I didn’t feel ready to return to the main area of camp where I might be approached. Wandering into the overgrowth at the edge of camp, I decided to collect a fresh cutting of aloe vera to use on Jasper’s wound. Though I was doubtful that it Luckily, I stumbled across a small bushel of it rather quickly and I enjoyed the peace of being alone for a while before aiming for the dropship.

I hadn’t quite made it to the campfire when I noticed Zoey approaching me with a little girl at her side.

“Hey, Sage. My friend Charlotte needs your clever hands.” She announced, her hand on the child's shoulder as she encouraged her toward me.

It was the first time that I had registered such a small resident of our encampment. She couldn’t have been more than 12 years old and it seemed ridiculous to think of her as a criminal. I noticed a small cut on her forehead which seemed to be bothering her, but she managed it remarkably well. With a sigh, I directed them to some seats nearby where I could get a better look.

“I’m surprised you have time to keep an eye on anyone else with Octavia on your plate.” I muttered quietly as Charlotte nervously settled herself into place and Zoey chuckled.

“Hey. Just call me Mother Theresa.” She breathed, holding her hands up as if awaiting someone to revere her and I shook my head in amusement. “Honestly, I needed a break from watching her chasing boys. This morning I caught her trying to make eyeliner out of charcoal to impress Atom. That’s when I knew I’d hit my limit for being a supportive friend.” She added with a grimace, taking a seat beside Charlotte for comfort.

Something about her words resonated with me, pausing in place as I followed the little thread that she had prompted in my mind. I could practically feel the lightbulb above my head as a long forgotten memory popped back into existence. It was baffling that I hadn’t considered it before, but during a study session with the interns, Jackson had presented a case study on the uses of activated charcoal for wounds.

“Zoey. You’re a genius!” I gasped, staring at her with wide eyes and she shrugged as if this was not a revelation for her. “Here. Get started on cleaning it and I’ll be right out with some supplies when I’m done with Jasper.” I ordered as I handed her the aloe cutting and hurried away before she could object.

Ducking down to scoop a few pieces of charcoal into a pot I carried them toward the dropship with renewed enthusiasm. Even from outside I could hear Jasper’s screams increasing to a new level of agony and I climbed the ladder in a frantic state.

The room was bustling with people as I entered, all of which were engaged in a heated argument between the cries of pain that overwhelmed their words.

Wells appeared to be holding Jasper down as he squirmed, whilst Clarke was bent over him holding a dagger that glowed orange with heat. Finn wore a traumatised expression in the corner of the room, tears ran down Monty’s cheeks as he pleaded with Clarke to stop what she was doing to his friend and Octavia was already deep into a verbal attack.

“What the hell is going on?” I yelled as I stepped onto the top floor with disbelief, the sharpness of my voice causing them all to turn to face me.

“His blood pressure was exploding, breathing shallow and he wouldn’t stop screaming. I’m cutting back the infection, like you said.” Clarke gasped, glancing over her shoulder at me with terror in her eyes. “I’ve seen my mom do it before. I can do it.”

“And you didn’t think to call for help first?” I queried in disbelief as I practically fell forward in shock, my eyes widening at the badly inflamed wound.

“We thought we were going to lose him.” Finn interjected defensively, jumping to her aid as he did in every situation and I felt the last of my patience crumble. “Clarke did what she had to.” He elaborated, but I cut him off before he could crawl any further up her ass.

“Well the only thing she achieved is more pain and unnecessary damage.” I argued as I pushed people out of my way to kneel at Jasper’s side and dumped my supplies on the ground.

“There wasn’t any time.” Clarke stuttered nervously as I glowered at her over our unconscious friend. “I wanted to help.”

“You’ve helped enough!” I snapped, flooded with a confidence that was only accessible to me in times of medical emergencies, when there was no time for manners.

“You’re not a doctor, Clarke! You are an inexperienced scrub nurse at best and I’m just a trainee that didn’t even finish my studies. We can't afford to get things wrong with impulsive decisions and ruthless treatments. We only get one shot to save people and you just blew yours. Now, get away from my patient.” I scolded impatiently as I rolled up my sleeves to begin working on fixing her mistakes.

Clarke's face scrunched up into a clear display of hurt, but she didn’t argue as she slowly rose to her feet. I grabbed a bottle of water to clean my hands and grimaced at the state of Jasper’s chest. Regardless of her intentions, Clarke’s technique had been overly aggressive for such a sensitive injury. It was difficult to even imagine how painful it had been to endure, causing an ache of guilt in my chest for leaving him.

“Monty, I need some moonshine to sterilise the area. Wells, grab the aloe and some dressings from storage. Finn, I need clean water. There's a pot by the fire you can use to boil some.” I instructed, keeping my gaze firmly on Jasper as I checked his temperature and pulse. “Octavia, I’ll need an assistant. He’s calmer when you’re around. Think you can stomach it?” I asked as I glanced up at her to catch a surprised smile on her lips as she nodded.

People rushed out of the room to complete their assigned tasks, leaving only Clarke standing in the corner with a remorseful expression. Rather than waste time comforting her bruised ego, I focused on clearing the area of anything unnecessary to reduce the risk of any further contamination.

“I’m really sorry, Cassidy. I didn’t-” Clarke began, knitting her hands together anxiously, but I waved her off.

“Save it, Clarke. We can kiss and make up later. Right now, we’ve got work to do.” I stated abruptly, determined that I wouldn’t be distracted from the needs of my patient.

In little time at all, the others returned with my requested supplies and I organised them around Jasper so that the boys could step out of my work space. Pouring moonshine over mine and Octavia’s hands to ensure that we were clean, I noticed that hers trembled with nerves.

“Hey.” I whispered, prompting her to meet my eyes. “You’ve got this.” I asserted, flashing her a supportive smile before handing her the bottle to clean the wound.

Adding the water from Finn into the container with the crushed charcoal, I patiently stirred them together, hoping against all hope that this experiment would be successful. It wasn’t a method that I had ever actually seen used, meaning that I had to rely purely on theory, but at this point I was desperate enough to try anything. Noticing that my audience was watching in silent confusion, I decided to explain myself.

“The grounders used some kind of poultice on the area and it was working. Without knowing the ingredients I can’t recreate it, but I can do something similar.” I explained, tilting down the container for them to see the thick paste that had begun to form.

“The tiny grains that don’t dissolve will act like sandpaper, picking out anything in the wound that shouldn’t be there. Then, the paste will clean and absorb toxins, bacteria and any dead tissue. It's a gentler way of removing the infected areas. It won’t fix everything, but it's definitely a start.” I elaborated, noticing the surprise that spread through the group.

“Activated charcoal!” Monty breathed. “Of course. It’s a micro-sponge.” He clarified, studying me with an impressed expression and I nodded.

“You can thank Zoey for the inspiration.” I muttered, causing Octavia to raise her brows as if she wasn’t aware that her friend had this kind of knowledge.

“What the hell are you doing up here? Torturing him?”

Bellamy’s authoritative voice interrupted as his head popped through the hatch and I avoided looking at him in order to prevent another outburst. My focus might have allowed me to take control of this situation, but there was no amount of confidence in my own ability that would enable me to confront someone who was a threat to me.

Sensing that this could easily escalate, Wells sighed loudly before raising to his feet and blocking Bellamy from coming any closer.

“Back off.” He warned as he took his position standing guard over us, earning him an impatient expression from the camp leader.

Clarke caught my eye, immediately recognising that my comfortable attitude had rapidly disintegrated with his arrival. The change in my demeanour seemed to pull her from the moping that had previously consumed her. If anything, Bellamy’s interference had provided her a way to contribute to Jasper’s treatment and she turned to face Bellamy confidently.

“We didn’t drag him through miles of woods just to let him die.” She pointed out whilst I silently guided Octavia to apply a cold compress, then some aloe gel to the areas that had been burned by the blade.

“Kids a goner.” Bellamy asserted, prompting me to roll my eyes and tut under my breath in annoyance. “If you can’t see that, you’re deluded. He’s making people crazy.” He insisted as if it were obvious, making his allegiances to those who called out insults all too clear.

“Sorry if Jasper’s an inconvenience to you, but this isn’t the Ark. Down here, every life matters.” Clarke affirmed, somehow expressing the exact sentiment that I would have liked to say myself as Bellamy glanced between us all with exasperation.

“Take a look at him. He’s a lost cause.” He instructed, his voice dropping even lower as if he couldn’t believe that we had the audacity to argue with him.

Something about Bellamy caused an undeniable sense of distrust in my gut, churning in a way that it hadn’t since Cian. I hadn’t figured out exactly what about him was manufactured yet, as many of the traits that he openly displayed were already enough to provide a negative impression. However, I felt instinctively that something more sinister lay beneath the leader persona that he insisted on maintaining.

Meeting Octavia’s fearful eyes, I shook my head fervently to indicate that he was wrong about Jasper. I subtly glanced down at the bowl of charcoal to silently remind her that all hope was not yet lost. Sensing her gaze on me, I looked up to lock eyes with Clarke and without a single word spoken between us, we both agreed that we were willing to die on this hill if needed.

“Cassidy is a doctor. I’m a nurse. You’ll have to understand if we don’t take our medical advice from you.” Clarke jibed aggressively as she dug her heels in, refusing to be intimidated by him. “We have a plan and that doesn’t include giving up on Jasper. There’s still hope for him.” She contended, crossing her arms as an indication of her stubbornness that clearly irked him.

“This isn’t about hope, or education. It’s about guts. You don’t have the guts to make the hard choices. I do.” Bellamy declared, basking in his own self importance and I felt my hands trembling from the power of my outrage.

“He’s been like this for three days. If he’s not better by tomorrow, I’ll kill him myself.” He threatened, taking one last opportunity to fix each of us with a disapproving glare before he turned his attention to his sister.

“Octavia. Let’s go.” He ordered with an entitlement that would’ve caused me to scream in her shoes and I was pleased to notice that her jaw had clenched in anger.

“No.” She growled, her attitude forcing his shoulders to tense in a manner that indicated she had never spoken to him this way before. “I’m staying here to help Cassidy do the right thing.”

Octavia’s remark left Bellamy speechless as he stared at the back of her head in shock. For several moments, it seemed that he couldn’t decide how to respond to this display of rebellion until he finally climbed down the ladder, restoring a sense of peace in the small room. I nodded at Clarke to subtly indicate that she’d redeemed herself. Mentally, I made a note to express my gratitude for her protection once this mess was resolved.

“Power hungry, self serving jackass.” Monty spat as he marched over to drop himself at my side, waiting to be given a task that he could assist with. “He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.” He added bitterly, before his gaze landed on Octavia. “No offense.”

“Yeah. Bellamy is all that. But he also happens to be right.” Finn commented, causing me to shoot a stunned look at him over my shoulder. “You said yourself that this stuff wouldn’t solve the problem. We could be keeping him alive just so that he can suffer for longer.” He argued, careful to ensure that he justified his points in an effort to differentiate himself from Bellamy.

It took barely a few moments of debate for voices to raise and an argument to break out again, leaving me struggling to concentrate on the task at hand.

“Enough!” I exclaimed, furrowing my brows in annoyance as I addressed them.

“Unless any of you have something useful to contribute to our next step, you can butt horns outside. We still have work to do and your noise isn’t helping Jasper.” I scolded, growing impatient with their drama and after appearing incredibly sorry for themselves, they quietly made their way out of the dropship to undoubtedly continue their conversation.

Only Octavia, Monty and I remained in the room as I carefully applied the thick paste to the area whilst they watched. Their observation gave me the sensation of having students, as if I’d stepped into the shoes of the doctors who used to teach myself and the other interns. It was a strange feeling and certainly not something that I had expected to experience for many years, if ever, but I was glad to find that there were others who were interested in learning to help others, even if it was simply because of their love for Jasper.

Once I’d spread it generously across the spear wound on Jasper’s chest, I covered it with dressings to keep it in place and silently prayed that it would buy us enough time to form another plan.

“Don’t worry. We’re not going to let anyone hurt him.” I stated in an effort to reassure the nervous pair, but they seemed unconvinced. “I’m a doctor. I know how to get rid of people and make it look like an accident.” I added, my tone emerging more serious than intended as they both stared at me in shock.

“That was a joke. Albeit a bad one. Sorry.” I clarified with a sheepish smile, embarrassed at my consistent social blunders.

After a few minutes of tense silence, they began to awkwardly chuckle, gradually growing until we were all laughing uncontrollably. For the first time since Jasper was taken, things felt almost normal.

☓ ღ ➵ ღ ☓

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rachelbethhines · 4 years

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Tangled Salt Marathon - Happiness Is

This is possibly my favorite episode of season two. Yet, it is also the point the where the series starts to fall off a cliff. Only that’s not something that you would realize upon a first watch; just in hindsight and only with some basic knowledge of the behind the scenes drama that led to this and the fall out with the fandom that followed afterwards.

Summary: Rapunzel begins to feel homesick for Corona when she finds an old letter written by her father in one of the many lanterns sent from her previous birthdays. In attempts to uplift her spirits, Rapunzel explores the island and comes across a magical idol that brings instant happiness to whomever possesses it. Rapunzel begins to hallucinate her family and friends back in Corona and soon shares the idol with the rest of the group. However, everyone starts to become obsessive over the idol, desperately wanting it for themselves. Rapunzel tricks everyone into giving her the idol, but when the Lorbs try to help Rapunzel, they fall under the idol's control and soon begin to terrorize the village.

Let’s Start with the First Elephant in the Room; Frederic

So throughout the episode Rapunzel is struggling with being homesick. Which is fair enough, that’s an understable reaction to being on the road for months by now. However, to showcase this Rapunzel keeps seeing hallucinations of her father. There are some other characters too, but her dad is the first person she sees and the only one in Corona with speaking lines. He’s the one to tempt her with the idol.

Did we just forget that Frederic is her abuser?

Look, even if you accept his apology in Secret of the Sundrop and believe he has learned his lesson, that doesn’t just erase the pain he caused her. Her thoughts about her father should be more realistically complex then this. Now add in how she makes a such a clean break from her other abuser, Gothel, but still holds him on a pedestal shows a disturbing bias on the part of the writers.

Also where’s this love for Arianna? You know the only real mother on the show? The show that’s aimed at little girls? The one parent who hasn’t flat out abused the main character yet?

Seriously, Chris, what the fuck?

This is a Missed Opportunity

So part of the reason why I like this episode is that we get insights into each of the characters and their desires. As such this is one of the few episodes where the group actual feels like a group friends. However, Cass’s vision is wasted here.

So at first glance this seems to aline with what we know of the character thus far. She loves her dad and wishes to impress him. That’s only if you take season one into account, though. Later episodes will contradict this goal. If you wanted to set up praise and validation in general as Cassandra’s motives, then here is where that should have happened.

Show her getting a medal, have cheering crowds surround her, have her be a hero, or something. You can’t claim her relationship with her parents as the driving force of behind her later actions if you don’t actually involve one of those parents as part of the resolution to her arc.

Either she lacking attention from her dad or she’s jealous of Rapunzel. You can’t have it be both because those two things don’t intersect. Rapunzel is not and never was a threat to her relationship with her father.

So Umm...I Don’t Think This Plot Point Has the Impact That the Writers Think It Does

So this hilarious, and it is intended to be funny, but it’s not for the reasons that the show gives.

The idea is that this is some shocking revelation. That Rapunzel would never do this under normal circumstances and it’s a hint that the idol is corrupting her.

Only the rest of the series doesn’t aline with that at all. This is just the real Rapunzel behaving as the she normally would but without the usual veneer of excuses.

It’s funny because it’s the show calling out Rapunzel hypocrisy for what it is plainly, not because it’s out of character.

But funny only gets you so far. The show is perfectly happy to play up Rapunzel’s awfulness for laughs, but then conventily ignore it when it comes time for the characters themselves to call her out on it so that she can grow and learn.

The show runs under the sitcom idea that comedy excuses all sins; which then backfires horribly when it tries to be serious and mature.

You can’t joke that the king threw a random person in a stockade for little reason and then expect us to still like him when he persecutes a child. Same applies here.

The sitcom set up only works when there is minimal at stake and all parties involved are equally awful in their own ways.

Then Why Not Just Go Home?

Once again, there’s nothing at stake in season two. Rapunzel has no real reason to be on this trip. Nothing is stopping her from just going home if that’s what she wants. The idol only makes her happy because it shows her want she wants, but she could actually have what she wants as soon as the next ship arrives. So what’s the issue here?

This is why you need external conflict in order to make internal conflicts work. There’s has to be something preventing the main character from achieving her goal or otherwise she just comes across as a dumbass.

And Now Here Comes the Second Elephant; Varian

I have several things to talk about here, and none of them actually concern the scene itself but the creator’s treatment of the character and the show’s fan base.

For you see, Chris did a very, very stupid thing.

He wrote the character driving the plot out of the show. The character who also happens to be the most popular person in the series. Only to then use said character’s VA and this one cameo as promotion for this whole season.

Needless to say, fans were disappointed.

However, the Tangled fandom is exceedingly polite; more so than most. The lack of Varian was met mostly with confusion, and maybe a few off handed jokes, rather than anger. When opportunity arose people naturally had questions concerning the character.

And that’s when Chris put his foot in mouth.

This Tumblr post details how Chris got kicked off the Tangled The Series Discord by bullying a bunch of Varian fans while on there.

https://starxapple.tumblr.com/post/617852117763391488/zhantiri-uuugh-fine-since-people-are-getting

I shan’t get into it fully, but for those who discovered the show after season two had aired, this caused a massive backlash from the fandom.

A good chunk of the fandom just walked away, and rightly so. The few that stuck around despite these remarks found themselves harassed by certain sections of the fandom who saw Chris’s bullying as permission to pursue the same behavior. However, most importantly, the ratings plummeted.

Season one hovered around the the 1 million mark, give or take a five point difference. The first part of season two dropped to half of that, and after this episode and the hiatus it sunk even lower, down to the mid-thirties. That’s over 20,000 people who just jumped ship over this. That’s not a normal decline.

No matter what your personal feelings are of the character of Varian or how he was handled in the show, that’s still a massive PR fassico that cost the series big time.

To add to this mountain of bullshit, there was also a massive walk out of crew members after season one had finished production. Most of them women. They even desperately threw out ‘we’re hiring’ calls to cover this. Which given that’s it’s Disney and that nepotism is usually how one gains employment in the entertainment industry, something unusual must have happened behind the scenes. Especially if most of the people who left were women.

We’ll probably never know what really happened. People don't usually talk about behind the scenes stuff like that due to contracts and the aforementioned nepotism. However, all clues point to Varian.

Something changed at the last minute concerning his story. Chris himself had confirmed as much when discussing the note and the Brotherhood. We also gotten other hints that content was edited out at the last minute. Plus the writing becomes more shoddy as the series goes along, showing how slapped dashed everything is together.

Then there’s the rumors.

I must stress to you that this is only a rumor. As pointed out earlier, most animators aren’t in a position to talk freely about what goes on behind the scenes. Do NOT harass them over it or make things awkward by asking them to clarify this. However it’s been suggested that the female crew warned Chris that removing Varian from season two and re-writing his story, along with making Cass the villain, would be a bad idea before they left and Chris didn’t listen. Much to his folly.

Chris is no longer a Disney employee and has yet to move on to any other projects. He says he left, but I more suspect that Disney just didn't renew his contract and no one has picked him up since. I take no joy in the idea that someone may have lost their job, but if true, then Chris has little to blame but himself.

So What Did Change?

We don't know anything for sure. We know from discussions about the note that there was a proposed Brotherhood plot that involved Varian that was then cut. There was also talks about a Cass and Varian team up in season three.

This was then changed to the Saporian take over, which is foreshadowed in this scene. However even that got edited down and under the flimsiest of excuses.

One of the writers, Ricky, suggested that they thought cutting back to Corona would be too confusing for the audience; which is a load of bull. I mean how poorly do you think of your audience’s comprehension skills that they wouldn’t understand a change of scene or a flashback? Yet you fully expect them to pick up on your lazy foreshadowing involving the mirror? So much so that you sent them on a quest to find it between seasons two and three.

Then there’s this gem from Chris.

Ok ignoring the fact that you so totally could have featured both Gothel and Varian, seeing as they serve two different functions in the story and mean different things to Rapunzel.... What guilt?!!!

Rapunzel doesn’t ever act guilty over anything involving her treatment of Varian.

That’s when you realize Chris isn’t talking about her feeling guilty about Varian’s predicament. He’s saying that Rapunzel feels guilty of leaving her father behind with this ‘dangerous’ criminal. Which is a big fuck you to everyone.

That’s why Frederic is the center focus of Rapunzel’s hallucinations. Why she’s more concerned for his safety over Varian’s trauma. Chris really be out here trying to use the abused 14/15 year old orphan as a scapegoat for the grown ass dictator who ruined countless lives. Because he thinks a grown woman should feel guilty for leaving her abusive father behind and pursuing her life’s dream.

Dude, I try not to assume the worst of people just cause they write fictional characters that I dislike, but Chris really makes things hard not to when he treats his self insert this way.

Oh but we’re not done yet.

When Varian Fans Complain About the Lack of Varian; We’re Complaining About the Lack of a Coherent Plot.

Certain sections of the fandom, bolstered by Chris’s BS, try to act like simply being a Varian fan is grounds for dismissal of any criticism of the show and it’s writing. As if having personal preference for something makes you automatically ‘entitled’ or some such bull. Yet doing so ignores the fundamental complaint that they are making.

We’re not whining about our favorite character not getting enough screen time. No one would have complained about his lack of presence in season two if they had properly resolved his story in season three and had Chris not been a dick to the fans. But it becomes evidently clear as the series goes along that removing Varian left a major hole in the plot. One that makes the entire story and the rest of characters suffer as well.

Think season two is boring? That’s cause they cut out their main villain at the last minute and failed to replace him with anything.

Upset that Hookfoot was brought along for zero reason? He’s the replacement character for Varian who no doubt was going to appear in season two originally.

Wish there was more on the Brotherhood and the Dark Kingdom? Their story impact was greatly reduced when Varian was written out.

Are you a Eugene fan and mad about how the Dark Prince plot went nowhere? That’s cause the original Brotherhood/Dark Kingdom plot was dropped when Varian was.

Dislike how Cassandra’s character was ruined with her villain arc? She was originally meant to be possessed but was changed last minute to be a Varian rip-off in the hopes that she would gain some of his popularity.

Wish Zhan Tiri, Demantius, and the Disciples actually went somewhere and that ZT had coherent plan? That plot were changed last minute to make Zhan Tiri a scapegoat for Cassandra now that her story was changed to replace Varian.

And of course let’s not ignore the character who suffers the most from lack of Varian.... Rapunzel.

Chris’s defense for leaving Varian out of S2 is that it’s “Rapunzel’s Story” and that Varian was only ever a plot device meant to push her along on her quest. Which means that Rapunzel no longer has anyone pushing her along on her quest!!!

All characters are plot devices. If they aren’t there to serve a story function then they need to be cut. Even Rapunzel herself serves a plot function. She’s meant to be the protagonist of a coming of age story. Which means she needs both an external conflict to face and an emotional arc where she grows as a person. Varian is the plot device that serves both of those functions but he’s now been removed and is no longer allowed to serve his original purpose.

Chris reached into the machine while it was running and pulled out one of the main gears and acted like he always meant to do that. He legit sat there and pretended that everything was running smoothly even as smoke poured out and warring alarms blared. He then tried to shove bubble gum in its place hoping no one would notice as everything fell apart around him.

Cause he’s the thing; no idea is without merit. It’s all about presentation. Removing Varian from season three still could have worked, but it required A.) replacing him with another foe and B.) making sure his arc still got a proper conclusion.

I’ll talk more about Varian’s half-arsed redemption when we get to it; but for now let's focus on the more immediate problem. No one thought to give season two an actual overarching conflict in light of Varian’s absence.

That’s a fundamental oversight that pretty much signals that season two was re-written at the last minute. You have an overarching plot in an action adventure show but no main adversary? I refuse to believe that everyone involved was too stupid to do that on purpose; but if they were rushed and lacked a crew because they walked out due to last minute story changes....yeah that’d I buy.

Because there’s more than enough options to go around; Lady Caine, The Baron and Styalan, Hector and/or Adria, Zhan Tiri’s Disciples ect. were all options. So was keeping the rocks a threat, or have Cass start her villian arc earlier; with proper motivation this time. They could have even come up with someone entirely new.

You had over four years to plan this shit out; why is it not more well put together?!

How Come Rapunzel Can Easily Admit Fault to Pascal But Not Anyone Else?

Pascal should have sat perched on Varian’s and Eugene’s shoulders giving Rapunzel ‘I’m done with this’ looks all throughout season three. It’s apparently the only thing that she responds to.

Why is the untalkative camelanion the only one allowed to call out the main character’s BS without going villain?

Conclusion

That’s all there really is to talk about in this story. The actual episode itself is good. It’s the behind the scenes crap that bubbles underneath its surface that needed to be discussed. That way when going forward with the marathon you’ll better see what I’m talking about when I explain how future episode suffered from the lack of planning and foresight.

#Varian #tangled #anti-tangled #anti-rapunzel #cassandra #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #tts #rta #king frederic

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khaleesiofalicante · 4 years

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Personal Post -

Trigger warnings for death, violence and trauma.

Hi, sweetlings!

I just have a question and I would like your opinions please. I hope no one got concerned over the trigger warnings. Didn’t mean to scare anyone just wanted to do my due diligence.

I’m writing this at 03.32AM - a little tired and a little sleepy. Now I know that it is not news for some of you that I have insomnia and sleep issues, I have shared (by that I mean complained) about that in the past many times.

But something I have not shared is one of the causes or rather contributors for my insomnia. I have been suffering from night terrors since I was a child. Now for those of you are not familiar with the clinical term, night terrors are sort of a violent and scarier version of a nightmare. A nightmare is sort of an unpleasant dream. They are not fun either. But night terrors are a little more serious since they involve physical reactions. I don’t sleep on a bed but rather on a mattress on the floor because I have repeatedly fallen off due to the violent movements and hurt myself. I also don’t like to sleep on the bed because stupid horror movies made me worry too much about the monsters under the bed!!

Now night terrors are the kind of scary dreams that you wake up screaming from and choke on air and spontaneously start crying and kicking among other things. And yeah, this is not fun at all. For you and those around you too. And of course I have been suffering with this since I was five-ish.

Of course my night terrors have a theme for some reason (most of the time). I usually keep dreaming(?) about dying. And it is always in the most violent possible way. Now of course when I was a kid, I grew up in the middle of a civil war. We would go to sleep not knowing whether we would wake up tomorrow or not (still remember hiding my books under the steal cabinet so they won’t get damaged by the bombs) so the night terrors started around then.

But even though the civil war ended a little more than a decade ago, the night terrors never stopped. I kept/keep having recurrent dreams about dying and getting killed. There are some creative ways I must say.

I just had an episode. Woke up from a disgusting nightmare where once again I died. I scream every time but I purposely moved to a far away room so my family will not hear me since I don’t like waking them up. Of course when these episodes happen in the morning they do hear and they do worry. But the thing is waking up from an episode of a night terrors is absolutely terrifying. Especially for me, because I look for immediate confirmation as to whether I am dead or alive. So when I wake up and it’s dark all around me, it’s scary. This is one of the reasons I shared a room with my sister for the longest time. Because when I woke up feeling terrified and couldn’t breathe, I would look around in the dark for her leg, hug it and go to sleep.

But as you know, we must all grow up and learn to hug our own legs at some point. And tumblr sort of became that leg for me over the last couple of years. So now when I wake up from a night terror, I turn on that disgusting blue light on my phone and scroll through your posts for comfort. Nothing reminds me more of life and being alive than this stupid fandom and every crack post you make. I look at it and go “oh okay. Magnus is a plant now apparently. So I’m still alive then.”

Now. That’s the story. The reason for sharing this long story is two fold.

1. My night terrors have been getting worse and more frequent for the last couple of months. My mother always says it happens when I read (I’ve been reading a lot as you know) because the night terrors sometimes symbolize the things I read. One of the night terrors involved getting stabbed by the mortal sword so I can’t really argue with her. But I know that’s not the only reason because the work that I do involves dealings with victims of violence and I dream about those too. They also get worse when I’m stressed and god knows I am always stressed especially this month because of too much work.

The question is - I know I’m not the only one. There must be many out there who suffer form this. So this is a general question about your coping mechanisms. If you do have night terrors, how do you cope with it? Anything will be helpful at this point.

Please note that I do not have the opportunity to go to a therapist unfortunately since there are only a handful of “decent and open minded” therapists in my city and I am friends with all of them since it is my field of work.

Secondly and most importantly, I have noticed many of you sharing your thoughts on mental health and asking for mine. I have also started to reluctantly admit that I’m what people call a “popular blog” and therefore what I say and do has more reach.

And that’s why I am saying this I guess. I’m saying it in the hope that it would make it easier for someone else to talk about something else.

And yeah I know it’s not easy. I’ve been on this hellsite for almost two years now and I’m just starting to get comfortable to to share.

But that’s the point I suppose. That it gets easier.

I hate being vulnerable (online and offline) not because it makes me look weak but because it makes me look “not strong”. There is a difference there, you see.

But this is a first step.

But make no mistake I absolutely regret sharing this because that’s who I am and for me talking about emotions is the worst thing (I’m such a herondale see?) and therefore I will try to forget that I made this post in the first place.

I have always judged myself for not being able to talk about my own mental health since I freaking study the subject, but then I again I realized that it’s actually unhealthy to blame myself for it since I don’t owe my story to anyone. That sharing isn’t always caring.

But I don’t know. I just felt, in this moment (a spontaneous decision that I know I will regret later but kind of don’t care about) that someone somewhere would feel a little better from reading this story.

If you don’t, that’s okay too. Cause weirdly enough I feel better in the moment for sharing it. Maybe you will too one day. Let’s see.

Now I’m going to listen to some beautiful music recommended by some beautiful people and try to fall asleep again.

Cause that’s what we do when we (metaphorically) fall off the bed screaming. We pick ourselves up and we try again.

Good night and good dreams :)

#tw trauma #tw violence #tw war #tw death #mental health #night terrors #dani talks #dreams #okay imma regret this for sure

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scendant · 4 years

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by: @zhrets aka THE stinky boy, Thank 4 teh Tag-desu uwu *glomps* tagging: @foxcharmed / @heroeth / @garuvusu (do it twice i dare you gabby) / @icarise

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO / KINDA

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO

Are they underrated? YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon? / I follow canon as much as I can, but it’s important for me to note that Elesis has many versions of herself depending on exactly which time I write her. For the most part, for panfandom interactions, I go for a more general approach incorporating canon into her story (as she did travel solo across dimensions for a hyper-extended period of time), but making it so that it wouldn’t have a tremendous effect on the actual canon of the story (by making her forget every world where she’d traveled, which gives opportunity for plots to revolve around that). I try to follow canon but, the game was a 2008 KMMORPG that was a patchwork mess and character identity is left highly to fandom and individual interpretation. My Elesis is nearly an original character at this point. I’ve thought about what made sense for her for a long time. She is a childhood character that had a significant impact on why I decided to rp, the kind of person I am today, and liking her and maining her in the original game inspire a lot of my love for similar characters.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. / Elesis Sieghart provides a lot of introspection. She is interesting because she is multifaceted. She is a leader---a Savior, going by the way canon sees her. But she’s not. Several times in canon, namely in her background and in an implied alternate dimension, she leans towards revenge over justice. Her goal has been, and always has been, to enact revenge on the villainess who took her father away from her. Her reaction to seeing her father die in front of her is anger, and then a desire for vengeance. In the alternate universe mentioned, she is so overtaken with rage that she transforms into a shell of herself consisting of her determination and her desire to kill----something that isn’t common among characters like her. Likewise, all throughout canon, she forced her way into a leadership position that, gradually, she begins to doubt and resent. She was brash, had an ugly personality, trampled over others’ opinions and yet---she cares about them so much. She’s a leader because she treats everyone she meets as equals, but she isn’t a leader-type because she’d rather seek anger in her friends’ name rather than protecting them in the present. Elesis always, always, looks towards the past for her actions rather than the present and she is fundamentally flawed as a protagonist. Not to mention, she is selfish and she takes her enjoyment of battle to extremes. Rather than being a forgiving and kind protagonist, she is ruthless and nearly totalitarian in her desire to fight over doing the right thing. She would rather die than retreat for the safety of her friends. She is angry, but it’s kept inside. She is lustful for violence, but she has to keep up the image of a good leader. She’s constantly on a breaking point one way or another, and I love that about her and I hope my interactions can spark some of that curiosity to go beyond what she is on the outside.

She’s a character that has a lot of potential for relationships. She has so many experiences that have changed her over and over again that she cherishes and is referred back to often. She’s a lot of contradictions in one woman, and to weasel your way into that takes a lot of effort and it’s rewarding. That’s how I want to portray her.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). Elesis isn’t digestible. She’s kind of basic looking and her words are far and few in between. I think she’s a very difficult character to love----she’s an easy character to gloss over because she’s not bombastic like a lot of others are. Speaking not so much from a fandom perspective (because she is very loved in the fandom, namely GC’s Korean fandom, where she’s one of the most popular characters) but from the perspective of roleplaying and seeing the kinds of characters people tend to prefer----Elesis is just not it. She’s not that consumable, and threading with her (and me in general) takes a ton of time and back and forth before she gives way to cuter threads or in-depth things. She’s not really defined by anything outright. It can easily be said that she isn’t anything. Her character doesn’t seem consistent----she’s a lot of things at once, rather than being “a good girl” or “an evil woman” or “a villain” or “sweet and candy-like” or “a sultry femme fatale”----she’s none of the easily definable. She’s a lot of everything, but she isn’t any one of those descriptions. She’s a protagonist but she doesn’t act like one. She’s a warrior but she longs for something more normal, something more regular. She’s a knight but she has never been knighted. She’s not easy to take in and it can seem very pretentious, to make one character absolutely nothing. It’s off-putting and it turns people off. Also, I don’t tend to talk about her until prompted to, nor do I talk on the dash a lot about her, nor do I have many followers in the first place. All of those things make her a character that people might just not want to write with, and that’s 100% okay.

What inspired you to rp your muse? / She’s important to me. After leaving tumblr for 2-ish years following a lack of interest and seeing how toxic the dashboard was and how toxic the rpc twitter community was, I left and I didn’t look back until now. In the end, though, I want to write. Writing makes me happy. rping Elesis makes me insanely happy. I never brought her to tumblr because I didn’t want her to be ruined for me, and I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m confident enough in my own identity and my love for this character that I’ve been thinking of in silence for years to put it out in public and start writing with old friends again.

What keeps your inspiration going? / I love one (1) beautiful titty redhead sword woman. 8+ years in my lil’ brain still going strong 3:

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO (though I want to)

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES (all of my replies tend to be drabbles 3:>) / NO

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? / Truthfully---no. Not about Elesis. About any other character, or rather---about every other character besides Elesis, I will accept criticism. But I’ve thought about Elesis for way too long and for way too many years of my life, changing her as I go, so much so that it’ll feel too personal to me to accept criticism. But if it were any other character, I’d readily accept it.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? / Absolutely please please please please---it’s so hard to talk to people one-on-one about her as is, as it is for everyone about their own muses. I love questions. I love answering them.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? / I’d be curious, truthfully. But it’s not bad. Anyone can disagree and if that’s the case, but ultimately, my headcanons for Elesis are my own and that’s not going to change even if someone else told me it was “wrong” or “bad”.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? / I don’t really care. I’ve thought about this stupid meathead woman for far to long to feel offended at someone else’s disagreement of how I write her. Plus, Elesis Sieghart, as well as every single character of the Grand Chase, can have many, many interpretations due to how vague and up in the air their canon information is. It’s just how it is...

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? / The only situation where I’d feel upset would be if it were a close friend telling me this after a while of talking about her---and it’s happened before. But overall, it made me sad for a minute and then it was “whatever”. They love her now, and things are good and right in the world. Someone else’s dislike of Elesis doesn’t really effect me outside of close friendships.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? / Absolutely! If something is off, please tell me or correct it in the reply <3

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? / I’d hope so. I don’t view rp as my life or as a main hobby, so I don’t tend to be here often and I write as I feel like it. As a mun I kind of just write here as I please because I know the people who are interested will continue to be interested and those who aren’t, I’ll know with time. In terms of friendships and rp, I do like to be talked to if I share my discord because I don’t share it often. I want to be able to develop and write and do all of those fun things I never got to do in the past due to the fact that when I used to rp as a main hobby, I was a minor---shipping back then was difficult for me, as a minor. 3: But now that I’m a lot older and, well, Legal, I can do a lot more things and explore more dynamics that I felt like I just wasn’t mature enough to do in the past. I guess, in that case, I’m a bit more higher maintenance. I hope I come off as easygoing, but I do get very intense about writing, I like it so much.

#MEMES / post #OUT OF CHARACTER / post #3:> )

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idreamofdraco · 5 years

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A9, A8, B9,B8, C1, C5, C10 for the asks! :)

Oh wow, thanks! n_n This is more info than you wanted probably.

A8) What was your first fandom? Are you still in that fandom now?

When I was a kid, I used to draw Pokemon during recess and I’d troll serebii.net looking for info about new games and how to beat certain elements of games and I’d trade Pokemon cards and pretend to be a Pokemon trainer around my neighborhood. But I really consider Harry Potter my first and only fandom because it’s really the only fandom that I’ve participated in by sharing or viewing content and talking to other people about it. I guess it depends on how you define fandom.

A9) Who was your first ship?

When I first discovered fan fiction, I was horrified by the whole idea of it. The gall people had to think they could write Harry Potter better than JKR could!!! So my first few ships were ones I read in mutual horror and fascination. It started with Draco/Harry, read a couple of those and then discovered something even MORE horrific… Draco/Hermione. D/Hr was my first big OTP. Then I discovered Snape/Hermione, which was my second big OTP. Then some Draco/Ginny fics were recommended to me by my beta and that ship became the OTP to rule them all. :)

B8) Is there a show or a book that you gave up on that you went back to later? Why did you come back to it?

Hmmmm… I don’t usually give media I consume second chances. If I can’t finish a book or don’t have interest finishing a show, then I don’t bother going back to them because there are millions of other things out there I could read or watch instead. The only things coming to mind to answer this question are:

Steven Universe: I watched a few episodes a few years ago and got bored, but then when I saw how the story evolved on Tumblr, I went back and started it over and now I love it.

Once Upon a Time: I stopped watching after season 3 and only watched season 4 because it was on Netflix and I could binge it, but I couldn’t finish season 5 or the rest of the show because it was bad.

The Black Dagger Brotherhood series by JR Ward: In 2015, I gave up on the series after Blay and Qhuinn’s book because some things about the series are just… so bad, but then in 2018, I picked the series back up, reread it, and caught up with all the newest books because I was having a Bad Time in life and just wanted to read something familiar and comforting. There are still some things about the series that get on my nerves (like the convoluted story lines and how some characters act or are treated vs. others), but at this point, I keep reading them because every once in a while there’s something really great happening in all the mediocre, and, again, they’re familiar and that’s nice.

B9) Who is your OTP?

C1) What trope are you tired of reading? Why?

I hate love triangles. Maybe because I’m a bitter eternal single, but two people fighting over the same person feels unrealistic to me. (I’m going to use the scenario of two guys fighting over one girl just for clarity’s sake, but I hate love triangles no matter the genders involved.) If a girl can’t decide between two dudes, she’s a jerk and both of them should forget about her. If one of the dudes can’t respect the girl’s relationship with the other dude, then he’s a jerk and the girl needs a restraining order against him. It’s gross and stupid and not relevant or interesting to me in any way.

Now, if a character THINKS they like someone and this other person is in the wings secretly pining for them, and the book is all about how that person changes their mind and realizes how great the secret piner is? I will eat. That. Up. But I don’t care for the drama of everyone knowing everyone’s feelings and going in circles fighting over the same people for no reason.

C5) What character that fandom loves are you just kinda “meh” about? Why?

James and Lily. I love them because they are Harry’s parents, but I just don’t really care about their Hogwarts years especially because James was such a jerk back then. The Marauders era is not my era.

C10) What book could you just never get into, no matter how hard you tried?

Ummm… I can’t think of any books. I know there are books I’ve tried to read that I didn’t finish, but they didn’t leave a lasting enough impression on me to remember their titles. Now, there are a few fan fics I tried to read that I thought were overhyped and couldn’t finish. One was The Draco Trilogy. I’m not going to name the others though because that could hurt someone’s feelings (or anger the fics’ fans). 👀

From the Ask a Reader Meme!

#your-girl-is-lovely #ask idod #ask things #meme things #fan fic #fan fiction #replies

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cowandcalf · 5 years

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Author Asks Game

Rules: answer these questions and tag five other fic writers to do the same.

I’ve been tagged by three people and three outstanding authors. Guys, you are my friends and I thank you so much for thinking of me.

Many thanks goes to @stephmcx. Your point of view on a scene or a moment always astonishes me. I’m in awe how you create gems in your very special way, babe.

Many thanks goes to @sussexualtension-blog. You’re my idol and I love your a/b/o writing and the way you treat swear words with sexiness. I would have never thought of getting tagged by DorisNancyGrey. Damn, love.

Many thanks goes to @space-ace--ravenclaw-demigod We share a soul bond. Your light shines in my heart and your beautiful mind matches mine with being crazy and kinky. You’re a rare flower and I’ve found you, babe.

(Sometimes I get all sappy and I need to pour some love over your heads. Bear with me, babes.)

---

Author name: cowandcalf (CowandCalf on AO3)

Fandoms you write for: At the moment, it’s exclusively for H50 and almost entirely for McDanno. I’m very loyal and if I have found a place and an OTP that fills my soul with love I settle down and I stay for years. I’ve written for the Suits fandom (Marvey) and for the TWD (Rickyl) fandom but nothing really has set my heart and my soul on fire like Steve and Danny have done and still do. I watch SEAL TEAM with spirit and a pounding heart. I love Sonny and Clay, and Jason and the whole Bravo Team but I just feel happy to spend time with the guys and to learn morn about being a SEAL because I need this for my understanding of Steve McGarrett. I can’t write for different fandoms. I can’t switch from one pairing to another. I tried this once and it fucks me up and my brain goes all mushy and I lose the deeper connection for the pairing I write for.

Where you post: I only post on AO3. I’ve discovered the fandom world late. I read tons of fics on FF.net and fanfiktion.de but I’ve never created an account on those websites. I've never found out how, to be very honest. LJ is great but so complex that I only read stories there, tons of stories and I created my first account but never posted anything there. I’ve discovered AO3 and that’s where the home of my stories is.

Most popular one-shot: It’s Chest Porn. I wrote a one-shot and some readers demanded a second chapter that I delivered some months later. But it has the most hits and Kudos. It’s actually my very first McDanno fic ever and it happened because Steve changes a shirt in front of Danny and Danny can’t stop roaming his eyes all over Steve’s bare chest.

Most popular mulit-chapter story: This is Skilled Hands. It was my second multi-chapter fic and it’s unbetaed. It’s still waiting to be worked to get rid of all the terrible typos but I haven’t taken the time yet. I love this story. It’s based on my background as a therapist. I just had this idea and even if it’s not that well-done (as some readers pointed out) I’m proud of myself that I’ve managed to pull through. It’s about love and McDanno.

Favorite story you wrote: That’s a difficult question. The most recent stories have totally a different energy as the ones I wrote one year ago. My beloved monster Eyes As Blue As The Ocean is a mind baby I protect with my heart. I love that piece of my mind so much. But when I have to choose then it’s my latest Werewolf AU because this feral stuff does something to me and awakes dark desires and old cravings and writing that stuff is damn intense. 'īlio hae me 'elua 'uhane

Story you were nervous to post: I’m always about to have a stroke before I post. Posting makes me shoot adrenaline in all direction and I end up jittery and nervous. I’m always so afraid my stupid computer eats my stuff. Jesus. I’m always nervous but my latest update, the character study on Steve, made me a bit anxious if it’s okay to put it on AO3 because It’s not a story. And I imagined all my readers who subscribed to me, all disappointed because...damn, why is she posting this crap? So, yeah, I was nervous to post Meta On Steve aka "Smooth Dog" – a Short Character Study.

How do you pick your titles: I love choosing a title. It happens mostly that I have a title before I even start with the story. The title is like a compass and it’s always well-chosen, mirroring a lot of the story. Titles come as a feeling and I wait, until I hear a song, I hear a word or I feel the story I want to write. I need this echo in my title. It’s easy for me to choose titles and it’s an important part of my writing and my creativity. A title is like a promise.

Do you outline? Yes, I’ve learned to do that. Multi-chapter fics with an arch over a special period of time need outlining. I’ve never done it until I realized I can’t go on like this. I will forget important details. It helps me to focus. I have the main arch, break it down into chunks of chapters until everything is broken down to little pieces and how to move on. Outlining takes off the pressure to keep everything in mind. I kind of forget what I have written in the previous chapter because I’m so hyper focused on the chapter I’m working on.

How many of your stories are complete? All of them. I really can’t stand it to have a WIP uploaded. I have some WIP on my hard drive. But my uploaded stories are all complete. Some are series and there will be more parts but the first part is finished and complete.

In-progress: Second part of my huge HS AU Eyes As Blue As The Ocean. I’m on it. I needed this time and only now the flow is coming back and I feel the story, the scenes and the beginning. The next thing I’ll upload is again a meta on Steve. I need this to put on AO3 and then I’m back on my second part. Then my Werewolf Series will be continued. I don’t know when but I have the story in my mind and I need to wait until my muse wants to punch out the second part. Until then I’ll write my sequel to my HS AU.

Coming Soon: Another Steve meta. I’ve posted in already on Tumblr. But I’ve discovered recently that this post has been flagged and has been hidden for everyone to see. I hate stuff like this. I’ll upload it on AO3. It’s fanish work. All the rest will take a lot of time to finish.

Do you accept prompts? No. It causes too much pressure. I’ve had a time where I answered anon asks with a little drabble and I still have one prompt from that time that I should turn into a short one-short. But I didn’t feel like writing it. I have so many ideas on my own, prompts just interrupt my flow of creativity because the one who prompted wants a response and this is pressuring me. I don’t like this.

Upcoming story you’re the most excited for? The sequel to my beloved monster (Eyes As Blue As The Ocean). The title will be “My Soul Is Calling You Home” I feel how it should be. It’s going to be long, it’s going to take me months to finish it, it’s going to be intense and challenging and it’s an urge, a deep-rooted need to finish this. I have no idea where I will end once I’ve started but I’m excited and I’m nervous.

---

So many writers have already been tagged and I’ve chosen you and I hope you’re okay with it. Skip it if you don’t feel like doing it. I’m tagging @ireneclaire @indiepjones46 @stellarm @jonibeloni @love2hulksmash

#author ask game #ask game #cowancalf writes #thank you so much for the tag #writing #fanfiction #self reflection #awesome questions #tumblr games #long post

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spirit-of-vengeance · 5 years

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7th ROTG anniversary. Time to get emotional.

I never written this down, but now I feel the need due to the intense nostalgia and the notice of how quickly time is fleeing. I have a tale to tell, I need to share my story about how this film changed my life. Warning: it's long.

Brief into: I believed in the Santa, Easter Bunny (I really wanted in the Toothfairy too and unfortunately never heard about Jack or Sandy) even when I was 10. (Which was considered pretty old to believe) I even got into an argument with my teacher in the 3rd grade because she said 'stop being childish, they aren't real' because I was excitedly whispering with my classmate about catching the Santa this year. A boy, who ironically looked exactly like Jack Frost began endlessly teasing me and calling me stupid for still thinking he's real. On the way back home with mom I confronted her about this, not giving up until she told me whenever he was right or not. Backed into a corner, she was forced to give up. I cried every day for weeks. The magic was ripped away from me.

Year 2012, December. I'm 11 and a victim of hardcore bullying since my whole life. Students, teachers and sometimes parents. To cheer me up, mom took me to the shopping center to watch a movie. We couldn't really decide & she saw a giant poster of North smiling at people. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said 'Let's watch that! ' I followed the direction of her finger and my face scrunched in malice "I am not watching a movie with the Santa. Its stupid. I'm a big girl, I want to watch a bloody action movie! " but she was unbending. She could bribe me into it with a large bowl of popcorn; I was still grumbling when the lights went out.

The change: first snowflakes, first notes of the piano worked like magic. I immediately shut up and wondered what actually happens here. Why is it so soothing? At the first few shots of the North Pole when North is working on the ice train, I jumped in my seat and I shit you not, I thought the Santa is actually getting murdered. My eyebrow rose higher when I realized that guy with the chainsaw and swords is the Santa. Unfortunately, I can't remember more first reactions; stress, depression, traumas really ruined my long term memory. It seems silly now, but I kept the last piece of popcorn what I was munching on during it, I still have it in a little jewel box; one of my sacred memories. The car ride back to home was quiet, I was staring out of the window my mind stirring with creativity.

Aftermath: 2013-2018; while my classmates were busy getting drunk, being a petty bitch, giving oral in the toilet, (yes. I am talking about elementary school.), getting laid, I was lost in a world of wonder. I learnt 60% of my English knowledge in 3 months with reading fanfiction. I browsed deviantart for hours and laughed my ass off at the hilarious, extremely well done fanarts.

I grew up on mostly Blackice videos I wasn't 100% aware what I'm actually seeing tho, I was exposed to gay ships from a young age and plot twist, nothing serious happened😀. My mental health wasn't shit because I saw the Bogeyman and the Winter spirit kiss.

I began talking to the Moon. I cried my pain to him. Sitting on my windowstill, debating whenever I should jump or not. My extraordinarily strong bond with my mom and this film were my only lifeline. I was making it through, in my own world. My imagination created wonderful sights, scenarios; at nights I was certain I can spot Sandy on his cloud, at Christmas North trying to push himself out of the chimney cussing, at Easter that enormous bunny running around, at winters mostly yelling at Jack 'get out of my country' because I'm a summer person, going to school on a chilly yet sunny autumn day and see Pitch standing on the edge of the misty forest.

I began to change, respond to the pressure from my bullies. My personality began to morph. See the wonder in everything; like North. There's hope and spite, don't dare to give up; like Bunny. Awaken and enjoy creativity; like Sandy. Shit on the rules and have a damn good time no matter what; like Jack. Cherish memories and friends; like Tooth. Be ruthless and stand up from the most brutal blows; like Pitch. And never forget, the Moon will always be there even when he's an antisocial dick and says nothing.

My aim, my dream was to write the sequel. When I was done I wanted to send it to William Joyce. I wrote 200+ pages, but unfortunately in Hungarian. I still don't know why I stopped, why I abandoned that plan.

I was looking for ROTG posters because I wanted to email them to my friend to show what I've been obsessed with. I was just lazily staring at a Pitch poster, realizing his V neck actually never closes - then my eyes crossed the date: November 21. I let out an ungodly shriek of disbelief and mirth. Mom rushed into the living room with terror and met with the sight of me screaming in ecstasy "RISE OF THE GUARDIANS CAME OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! "

Around 2016 I became really interested in this roleplay stuff and oh god I was terrible. Cindy Flame then was an always angry Mary sue but after years of practice, expanding she is a completely built, extremely complex character, flawed, strong, tragic and ruthless; divine yet oh so human. So I was making friends online, most of them failed, I think one of them committed suicide but that belongs to an another story.

I have been lurking Tumblr for 3 years? More? Because I had no idea how this site worked and I was shy because I thought my writing is not good enough I realize now I felt right. I admired blogs from afar, read their writing and falling deeper and deeper into this fandom.

Nearing present day: I actually came to Tumblr to pursue a friend of mine. I was borderline desperate because I've thought they are one of the last one in the fandom and it scared me. The fun thing is, I actually never interacted with them after making this blog. So I break this two year old spell and hi @kingofnxghtmares it's me, Jasmine😊 You don't have to answer/interact/or anything, I wanted to get everything off my chest and finally tagging you just felt right.

So now I'm on Tumblr. And I love every second it. I've found amazing friends, insanely dynamic muses, crack threads, angst, the chance to expand my muse even more and where I belong. So there I am, wondering where 7 years went. I've grown up (somewhat), and I'm glad I was protected from the 'disaster teenage years ', drinking, heartbreak, drugs, etc instead I grew up in a magical world interviewed with reality so closely; it became an escape place when reality became too heavy.

About ROTG & finale: masterpiece. The animation is insanely lifelike yet fantasy. Every tiny, microscopic detail is perfect, the characters, the storyline, the atmosphere original and capturing. The music is gut wrenching. Everything is absolutely, 200% on point. I don't think there ever will be an animated movie which can be better than Rise of the Guardians animation and/or storywise. No 'love is the answer ' movies can ever come close this iconic masterpiece no matter how they rip it off looking at Frozen 2😒

I watched it today (I have it in Spanish as well and I only can encourage everyone to watch it, the Spanish voice acting is, 100% in my opinion Pitch's bested Jude Law, damn that rich hiss of malice was incredible ) on my 18th birthday while cuddling with mom, laughing and heavy with nostalgia. I think I will remain in this fandom for a very long time, I don't think I would ever be able to let it go due to my deep emotional ties. I would like to thank everyone who were present in making this film, the artists who still keep this fandom alive, all of my friends, roleplay partners; thank you for brightening my childhood, giving me purpose and a place to belong.

To my all of my friends:

@paintbrushtheelf @muerte-rojo @nightmarinqs @mr-mansnoozie @gatekeeperoftheunderworld @50shadesofpitchblack @flossinspector @magicmiyeh

@black-equals-mysoul @nxghtlight @lindzem

I love all of you,

Jasmine

#Trigger warnings for mentions of suicidal thoughts #wow this is long #And angsty #Idk who read it completely but they deserve a medal for it #wild author appearing without makeup #I know I don't look 18.#Long story cut short: ROTG came out on my birthday and I'm emotional #🔥author/writer's note🔥 | smoldering embers

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branch--chief--faba · 5 years

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Branch-Chief--Faba

It's me, the former owner of branch-chief--faba.

Someone I know pointed out the post @trash-troll made and after reaching out to them they did imply me with their post. So let's start out with the obvious; me writing this post means I'm alive. Though I should add 'barely' to that.

Trash-Troll showed me screenshots of people talking about me. And after them convincing me to do it I've decided to write my version of what happened or more importantly.. how I feel about the whole thing. I am not here to debunk anything.. because it will become a he said/she said thing. Let’s just go into this wall of text by saying both parties fucked up.

The end of 2017 and all of 2018 were pretty bad for me, mentally. I was hurt and lost and I didn't know what to do. A year prior to that I made the blog. It was fun! I never had so many people reaching out to me and willing to spend time to me. That was a whole new experience and in hindsight I didn't know how to deal with it. This isn't me debunking or saying something did or didn't happen but I guess I was in over my head. I had never been popular or even had friends before. Or friends who weren't forced to hang with me because of college or them being co-workers. You know how proud I was that people found me cute or pretty when I posted a selfie? Yeah that never happened before. It boosted my self esteem sky high.

I did some things that in hindsight weren't smart or downright stupid. I let people play me. I fought battles for people I should have never fought. I was just so afraid that if I didn't do it- they leave and I'd be alone again. I didn’t purposely stick my nose in other’s business. I just wanted to help and now i feel that some people really took advantages of that. In that sense this blog was both a blessing.. and a curse for me. I was so obsessed with keeping everyone happy that I forgot my own happiness and I forgot to look further than the tip of my nose and to please some people I hurt some others, unintentional at the time.. but I understand now and I’m sorry.

I can only apologise for it now. I am to blame for my actions even though they were inspired by others and sometimes it was peer pressure. I admit that I should've been stronger when i was in a discord made to slam a group of people. I've been a fool and absolutely stupid. You know those PSA’s when they tell you doing nothing is as bad as the bullying? Yeah. At times i was the bystander... and I wish I could undo it but I can’t.

I feel like (now that I've seen screenshots..) that sometimes I was set up to vent about a person only for it to be shared. Was it fair for me to vent? Yes and no. In my eyes- I was hurt by a few people and I thought the person i was talking to (this venting only happened one on one, never in a group.) was someone I could trust. I know better now and I feel stupid. I said things in pure emotion and in confidence. I was angry and hurt and I just wanted to vent those feelings. Again, I'm the fool for walking into such an obvious trap. I don't blame anyone but myself. I should’ve know better. I really should. However, this isn't just about me.

There are things people did that are wrong too. Things that hurt me. I will never forget me finding the courage to call someone out on how their actions harmed me mentally and them saying that 'It was my own fault for being too emotionally attached to them'. That's painful and that hurts, even today it haunts me to my core.

I won't forget that I was doxxed, that i got daily anons to kill myself, that they wish I had cancer, etc. Even though I enjoyed writing Faba up till that point I just had to slow down. I had up to 1000 asks at the end of it and a lot of them were nasty anons. I deleted one and two came in it's place. Eventually I just had to stop for my own sanity. I know people suggested and would suggest now that I just should’ve turned the anons off but again. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I thought that turning them off would mean people wouldn’t like me anymore, because there were good anons too! I figured ‘why should they suffer because of a few’ and in hindsight.. I should’ve just turned the anons off. I know hindsight is 20/20 but..

It was around that time almost everything went sour and I still don't know why. This is not me being a idiot, I really don't know why. I am still so socially awkward and figuring out human emotions is hard for me. Sometimes I don't understand until someone tells me 'Hey I'm mad at you because you did X or Y' I'm working on it though but it's not easy.

I won’t forget how a duo of a cis man and a cis woman reached out to someone and pretended to be a gay couple. And I will never forgive myself for not stopping it. And if you were the victim of this and if you read this then I’m so sorry. Know that I am absolutely disgusted with myself.

I will not forget how a new discord was made without me.. and the reason I wasn’t welcome? I was a supposed transphobe. I am not. Since deleting I’ve had A LOT of time to myself and I came to few conclusions about my gender and my sexual identity. DO NOT even think about use my dead name. I can’t believe someone would say that about me.

I know people think I’m just some money hound and out for that but I’m not. I don’t give a single shit about money. I care about happiness and I’m not getting it and because of it I’m not growing as a person.

I won’t forget how hurt I was by the actions of a few. And I can’t forget because I feel it .. even today. It consumes me and I already hear people laughing about it. Because ‘haha look at this dumb fuck, right? It’s been a year.” but I just can’t. It’s etched so deep inside me that it makes me sick.

I know you know who I'm talking about it. And I know you know it's you. I’m doing a favour and not tag anyone I’m going to leave the responsibility to owe up to your actions to you and if you don’t.. then that also speaks volumes about you as a person. And those people I'm talking about need to take a good hard look at themselves. Instead of posting that 'the evil is defeated' gif or celebrating someone deleting out of despair. Because this is not the only story to tell. There are LOADS more. Trash-Troll showed me. Please just be kinder..

I cannot change the past and I will never deny myself having some part in it.. but no one should feel like I do over fandom stuff. NO ONE. And no one can really help you if you see someone get doxxed, bullied or threatened and you sit back thinking 'eh they deserve it' no one deserves it. I know we live in an age where internet is part of our lives. But for many the internet is a safe space where they can just be a little looser than usual. Just block people.

What happened after I left this blog? I started by deleting my Discord, there were too many bad memories attached to it so I just dumped the whole thing out. I send a message explaining why I did it and send a few people who I thought I could trust my new discord. That not a single soul accepted my new friend request.. yeah that stung pretty hard. So, after keeping it up for two months and resending the friend requests.. I just deleted that one too.

I stopped using my other socials, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I had to quit my job. If you can recall it wasn't a job that required a lot of thinking so my thoughts were allowed to run wild. Sometimes I started working and I just didn't know how I got to the end of my shift. It was just.. there. I'd black out thinking about the whole mess. I was feeling numb for months, nothing would bring me joy or sadness. It was like I was stuck in the ocean. Just below the surface and not being able to reach out. I could see people on the shore and I could swear they could see me too, but it was safer to let me drown.

I deleted all my tumblrs too. All of them. I didn't want anything to do with this place. I moved to twitter for a bit when I got lonely but that didn't stick. I had a few odd conversations but Twitter isn’t really the best place to talk about things I figured.

I tried to get myself to draw and write again but I couldn't.. I just couldn't. I tried but every time I opened a word document or put pen on paper I'd get antsy and panic-y. I couldn't bring myself to create anything at all. Not writing, not art, nothing. Even drawing original characters or other fandom stuff. I couldn't.

I was and still am too afraid to share anything with anyone. My brain goes through a whole series of 'what ifs' when i'm trying to write or draw. "What if they like it and we get talking and I mess up again." or "What if I put a lot of effort in a work and people will ignore it on purpose because they know it's me?" those kinds of thoughts.

My whole memory is warped. What really happend and what did my brain make up. I am not saying I’m not to blame for things, either partly or wholly but I NEVER had the intention to hurt people on purpose. I’m not hiding behind anything but fact remains that I am socially malformed. I don’t understand things. I spend the first 16 years of my life basically talking to no one and when I did.. I was the ‘weird kid’ or I heard my peer saying ‘Don’t talk to the freak.. so weird!’ I was never raised to be social and then I was dropped in a very social group full of very colourful people.I didn’t know how to handle it and it drove me literally nuts.

I feel into a deep depression and the last two months of 2018 are a haze for me. I barely remember anything. I don’t remember Christmas, I don’t remember New Years. It’s a blur. I almost died a couple of times, it's no secret. And for that I have the permanent reminder... I'm glad I didn't do it though.

Now it's 2019 and 2019 is almost over; how am I doing now?

Not much better. I still have the fear to create. I want to but I can’t. I still barely touch my socials because of my paranoia of people finding me and the whole circus starting again. I use my instagram because of cosplay commission stuff and I only use my Twitter to support some artists on there. Even then I keep this ‘neutral-someone-everyone-can-like-persona’ just this safe ‘brand type’ posts.

I'm only back on Tumblr for this and I won't be coming back. This isn't a revival tour. It's like one last song to send everyone on their way.

Please leave others alone. I truly am not on Tumblr and do not plan to come back not now or ever. I do not have a sneaky hidden blog. All the blogs I used to own are either dead or I just gave it to people who used to own blogs with me.

It's very painful for me to write this all out. I know I'm missing a lot of parts. To summarise; while I did some things that I'm not proud of. I cannot believe the lengths people went to to make me feel horrible about myself.

I cannot believe you guys would share some things about me that I wanted to keep private. That I thought was pretty private and you would understand. I'm sickened by the lies told about me and disgusted that it's still going in 2019, almost a year after I deleted everything.

I gave my new discord to people and those people never accepted and that's fine, it hurts but it's fine. I never bothered them or sought contact. I will admit that I once accidentally send a snapchat to someone.. but I promise that was an honest accident. I didn’t mean to. But I just don't get the feeling the same thing is happening and I have proof from people that I'm right.

Can you not post my trauma for all to see? That's not justice that's just being a dick... I have no other word for it. Being an evil dick. I never spoke badly about any of you after the whole thing. I will admit that .. in my anger when it all was going on, I did vent to people and TRUST me I regret that. I thought it would stay between us but it leaked..

Do the same for me and please have the decency to apologise for the things you did and just.. stop putting my private shit online without my consent. What I shared, I shared because I felt I could trust people. It was never about sympathy because I do not want it.

You gain nothing except the satisfaction that you gave me a kick again by sharing it. Which is a horrendous move. You’re not getting even, you’re winning at being a dick..

I want to be left alone. I want that confirmation of 'hey we're leaving you alone now'. I want to go back before I was paranoid. It’s not a fun thing. It’s maddening to think something behind EVERYONE’s action. Deep down.. I know better but I can’t stop. It’s a problem and I’m working on it.

I want NOTHING to do with Pokemon OR it's fandom. I won't be purchasing games or other media from it. I just gave away my copies of the 3DS games to people who wanted them. The whole thing is too triggering to me.

I wish I could pick up a pencil or pen and draw and write again without having a panic attack and I wish I could show myself on my private social media again without people watching me.

I know you guys doxxed me before using my Facebook- It's not weird of me to think people could do it again.

I don't mind it, if you hit me up and talk to me via this blog. You can reply to this post or just us DM. My only rule is to be civil. I am being civil too even though I feel empty, numb and sick.

And finally.. I apologise for EVERYONE who people thought were me. You don’t deserve that. No one does.

Well I guess this mystery is solved, what happens next is wholly up to you. I am not going to reach out myself. I made that promise.

I’m posting this because I have nothing else left to lose. Please show me you’re capable of human decency. And some things only God can forgive. That goes for me too.

And just to proof it’s me; I will be tagging this post as I always did; using my old tags.

#branch-chief--faba #spring bean text #faba #branch chief faba #pokemon #pokemon rp #pokemon rp community #aether foundation

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coffin-of-eternal-darkness · 6 years

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Thank you for over 3000 followers

I reached 3000 followers a while ago and even though I didn’t do anything for my other milestones, I thought I should make a post about this one (though I couldn’t think of anything special). After all, 3000 is most likely the highest I will get and it really is an amazing number, considering I’m not doing anything special XD Kinda fitting too. In NnT everything started 3000 years ago, and for my blog everything started 3000 followers ago XD I’m not sure how many people from the old days even follow me anymore, but, thank you all. It’s been some amazing years!

As for what I’ll do… Well, my friend @maybeishouldwait helped me with some question prompts, so it’ll sort of be like an interview? I hope at least some of you are interested. So, let’s start!

1. Let's start with an easy one: how did you discover NNT, and what drew you to it?

I’ve recently answered an ask with a similar question but here we go! It was a complete coincidence. I wasn’t necessarily searching for something. I randomly browsed a manga reading site, probably looking foe updates and the title somehow caught my attention so I clicked on it. I didn’t take it seriously at first, the first chapter really didn’t impress me at all, and I only continued because I thought it was funny. It’s no secret I fell in love with the series but it still baffled me how fast it went from “Lol, this is funny and stupid” to “BEIRHJ I LOVE THIS SO MUCH” in a matter of a only few chapters XD Everything was such a new experience to me. The characters weren’t the usual stereotypes, they were actually deep and interesting. The story took a while to become interesting, at first it was more about just… gathering these super powerful knights and it was so cool to see what kind of crazy character the next one would be. I also loved how I could never see anything coming. Even now that we know what kind of series this is, there are still plottwists like Hawk’s eyes being the portal to purgatory or Cath’s whole appearance that just… could not be predicted and I really love that surprise effect when something unbelievable happens. So I love the characters and the surprises but I also love the story, or rather how it’s told. For the first… 70 or so chapters to me it felt like with every chapter it just got even BETTER than before. I still had a few of those moments in the Commandment saga, just, scenes that blew me away and made me think “Wow, I wonder how much better this series can get”. I think it also was around chapter 70 that I created my blog. And more than anything I think I love the tragedies. It’s hearbreaking but heartwarming at the same time somehow. Not many of you probably know this but my first NnT OTP was actually Banlaine and I cried so much when I read their backstory. I loved how deeply in love they were to the point of sacrificing themselves for the other. Both had to deal with a large chunk of loneliness in their lives and for both of them the other was their salvation. Every time Ban was saying anything about Elaine in the main series I was both crying and cheering for him. By now everything is a tragedy and while I wish there were a few more lighthearted scenes for… personal salvation… I like that and crying about all those characters and CARING for their happiness really helped me get into this series I think.

2. How has your blog changed since it started?

Well, apart from the fact that is has grown popular… I actually think I’ve burned out a but. I write a lot less text posts than before. I had an awful amount of (stupid) theories back in the old days and also an awful amount of free time somehow. Now I feel like I don’t think about theories that often anymore, let alone post them. Part of that is that I’m busy with work and other hobbies, but partly that’s because the series has gotten so long and it’s becoming harder and harder to remember details, especially from the newer chapters. I really want to reread the series but I never get around to do that anymore. I also think that back in the days I more or less posted just anything I found or thought was cool, while nowadays I’m always wondering what I could do. I still try to keep it up but it’s becoming harder and harder. Oh, there’s also a lot more follower interaction too!

3. What are some of your favorite blogs or sites for NNT stuff?

As for sites, I usually only check the official ones, like the official HP or the official Twitter account. As for blogs… I don’t really follow a lot of people since I look through the tag almost on a daily basis anyway. Of course there’s @spoilerkingjuliane, she’s a must follow XD I can also highly recommend @maybeishouldwait since she’s an awesome writer. I always enjoy @nostalgicbookworms gifs a lot and @sdsmangacaps is my go-to account for manga caps. There are a lot more blogs that I really like, there are tons of really good artists on Tumblr and Twitter but since I’m not actually following a lot of them and I fear I’ll forget a few I’d rather not mention them directly and hope they know I appreciate them. The most obvious Twitter account is yuka_sai0127 btw, but there are a lot of others.

4. What advice would you give to someone wanting to make their blog as successful as yours?

Tbh I have no idea how I even got so popular in the first place XD I started on a whim and thought I’d lose motivation immediately and nobody would follow me anyway. But before I knew it I had almost 100 followers in a matter of a few days. Maybe it was my obsession? I also quickly befriended the other popular NnT blogs, that probably helped too. I think it depends on what kind of blog you have, but I think the most important thing is frequent updates and high quality. I also think blogs should have a good balance between your own content and reblogs. There are blogs that live only through reblogs and that’s fine but I think it’s harder to be “interesting” when you don’t have your own content. Try to find something only you can do and do it. @spoilerkingjuliane for example is good at finding info and she is immensely popular because of that. I will forever be slightly jealous of her because I will never reach that level XD”

5. What's the best part of running your blog? What's something you wish was different?

The best part without a doubt is how much it involves me into the fandom. I’m more or less forced to see all kinds of fandom posts and while that’s sometimes stressing me out, I also see a lot of amazing content and being able to share those posts with so many people makes me really happy. Running this blog also helped me boost my own confidence. As I mentioned earlier at the beginning I thought nobody would be interested in my blog anyway and I’d give up right away. But I gained followers quickly and it showed me that yes, I might not be as boring as always I think I am. It showed me that I can do things if I just try. On the downside though, running a popular blog puts a lot of pressure on you, and I constantly feel like I have to do something, have to go through the tag, have to make SOME content somehow. And even when you’re stressed you can’t just take it out on people after all so the stress piles up. That’s probably my own responsibility and not the blog itself that is doing that, but I still wish I could take it more easy.

6. How did you learn Japanese? Did you find it difficult?

Well, it wasn’t easy at least. I started learning Japanese twice, once I gave up quickly because the book I used was a horrible starter and after that I learned the basic grammar and a few words through a magazine crash course. Learning specific words was easier than to learn all hiragana and katakana on their own and since I also knew the basic grammar it made it easier to learn and understand whole sentences. Still, I’m an extremely lazy human being and even though I’ve been learning Japanese for almost half of my life now I very rarely actively studied. Most of the time I would try (and fail) to read manga in Japanese and pick up new words and grammar here and there. But through switching between actually learning and trying to read manga I got better. Once I was at a certain level I bothered a ton of random japanese people too in order to befriend and speak japanese with them, which also helped. I think the most major step in my learning career was getting obsessed with Tales of Vesperia a few years ago tho. I was at a comparatively high Japanese level back then already but playing a game of THAT length completely in japanese was a challenge. I learned a stupid amount of new words and grammar and ways of talking through that game and it probably helped that it was just an amazing game that remains to be my favorite. I’ve also translated a few manga chapters back then that really got me practicing and I also worked at an Udon restaurant with (except for me) 100% japanese staff. And as is the case with all languages… Talking with real people is always the best practice. Then of course my year working in japan gave me the final boost. I still have a ton to learn and I’m nowhere near really GOOD but I like to think my japanese is pretty decent at least.

7. What do you see for the future of your blog?

It won’t be all too long anymore til the manga ends and when that happens there won’t be any theories or reviews to write anymore… There will still be an S3 and possible an S4 and maybe more anime projects. But it will be harder to update the blog with original content. Eventually it will most likely turn into a reblog only blog. But I hope I will have some more time and motivation to actually reread the manga, complete my NnT encyclopedia and update the blog with interesting stuff I find in between. I really want to keep this blog up for a few more years!

No matter how it will turn out though, I’m happy I came so far. I made a whole bunch of good friends during this time and had a lot of fun. To my friends and followers (silent or not): Thank you so much for your support!

#personal #follower celebration #kinda #man i really hope someone is actually interested in this #i feel kinda bad not doing something more flashy #like drawing a huge picture #or doing requests or whatever

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ardenttheories · 6 years

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Okay, if overarching narrative isn't Homestuck's strong point (which I completely agree with, it only kind of makes sense to me because my brain likes torturing itself by twisting into knots but it still has lots of holes), then what attracts so many people to it?

Homestuck creates an entire universe of lore that is oh so juicy to dig into.

I mean, can you think of another piece of media where the general plot is that once a universe becomes old enough that it needs to be replaced a game will come into existence and the previous planet will be destroyed while a series of children attempt to complete the game by dying, becoming gods, fighting against a King and Queen inherently affected by their actions, breeding Frogs in order to create a new universe which is an incredibly big Frog that hosts every single instance of that universe inside its colossal mass, and taking such a long time in doing so that they mature into adults whom are worthy of becoming the actual living Gods of the universe they’ve created?

It’s the depth that we can get into, too. Skaia, the Lands, Quests, Ectobiology, The Ultimate Riddle, Sprites, Alchemy, the importance of Doomed Timelines/Selves, the existence of Null/Void/Barren sessions - each piece of SBURB comes with such intricate lore that half the fun of the journey is understanding how everything works and why it all tangles together into something as coherent as this one game.

Classpects just by themselves are interesting enough to warrant hundreds of blogs on Tumblr to have some sort of focus on them, and maybe thousands of people around the globe trying to figure out what their Classpect would be - something which has no inherent affect on their life besides the importance and meaning we read into them.

It’s a creative universe that we want part of. We know enough that we can make our own universes, our own sessions, and all of them are technically viable; this isn’t a comic where the path we see is the only one. This is a comic wherein the path we see is only one tiny, tiny portion of the much, much larger implications we’re faced with in the lore. The Beta kids aren’t the only kids on Earth playing SBURB; Earth isn’t the only planet in existence chosen by the game.

Hussie himself even confirmed that pretty much anything goes - because the whole point of Homestuck is that, through timeline shenanigans or weird, spacey bullshit, anything you can think of probably exists. That AU where the trolls are all bloodswapped? That exists as a possibility within the Alternian Genesis Frog. That AU where SBURB doesn’t exist and the kids go on to live normal lives? That exists as a possibility within the human Genesis Frog.

This is the sort of creativity that drives a fandom.

It’s also important to note that Homestuck isn’t just a comic. It has games. It has flashes and music and gifs inside it that all come together to create a unique experience that has since been copied, but never truly to the same extent. Homestuck is something different; you’re not going to find anything like it anywhere else, not for a very, very long time. Part of Homestuck’s draw is some of the unique things that it does - such as the animations and music, which drew me to the comic because I just straight up couldn’t believe that something like that was possible.

It’s the humour, too. Homestuck has a way of making you laugh that really settles well with the humour a lot of us have developed online; even now, some of the jokes - like “the circle of stupidity is complete” - can get enough of a chuckle out of me that I really doubt I’m ever going to forget them.

Hussie’s writing is pretty good when it comes to developing characters - at least, when he wants to. I’ll be honest; I’ve read a lot of books, because I’m a fucking nerd and also because that’s sort of what I shoved myself to do in education. I’ve read books from America, from the Victorian era, from the Middle ages, I’ve read things written in Old English, I’ve read comics and extended, fluent fiction published officially and excessively long fanfiction written totally for free - and yet I really can’t think of anything that makes the characters as real as Homestuck does.

It’s easy to tell, sometimes, that you’re reading a book. That the characters are really just that; characters. There’s some note to them that makes them inhuman, that makes them a bit cutout and stiff. Homestuck never really does that (again, unless the characters aren’t meant to be focused on). The main kids are written in such a way that they are believable as people; if you showed me an out of context conversation between John and Dave in Homestuck, I would 100% believe that it was a conversation between two real, 13 year old boys. The way they grow is believable, too; Dave changes during the Retcon timeline, especially when he starts to get closer to Karkat and thus more at ease with himself, but he never stops being Dave. Characters like Dirk, too, tend to change without changing away from their core; Dirk might become a better person, but some of his flaws are still there, all those traits that are still him staying constant while how he presents them shift as he as a person shifts.

I think a lot of it boils down to creativity, too. Hussie created an entire cast of aliens with a unique breeding system, caste system, and biology system, all which he draws into a narrative that makes sense. Sure, we don’t know in depth everything about the trolls, and there’s definitely still flaws, but it’s enough to be exciting to learn what little we do know and to imagine the rest of it ourselves.

That’s a big thing, actually! So much of it is the fandom. Yeah, the fandom can be horrendous, but when you’ve got a fandom like this, one that picks everything apart and tries to make sense of it and latches onto the characters and becomes emotionally invested in them to the degree that we made a fucking global holiday out of 413, it’s hard not to get drawn in. It’s hard not to want to love each character, write your own theories, share ideas with people, become part of this wider community that has existed and thrived since 2009, to create OCs or AUs that the fandom eats up because nobody really wants to let Homestuck die.

And that, I think, is probably most important part. I currently have 272 followers. That’s 272 people who want to follow this barely updating, kind of long winded blog filled with my own rambles and personal opinions, because it’s some sort of new content for a thing they love. My blog isn’t popular by any means - so imagine how many followers some of the big classpectors, theoriests, fanartists have! For a lot of people, Homestuck was a huge part of their lives for years - this thing ran for, what, around seven years? - and almost everyone I’ve seen online in any sort of fandom circle knows of Homestuck at least by proxy. Letting go of something like that is super hard, and I’ll be honest, my attempts to get into new fandoms always lead to me coming right back here - and I was only around for Homestuck’s end!

Seeing a fandom that in love with a comic that it thrived for around seven years, and that is still going strong even when the main comic has ended and all that’s keeping us afloat is a game that we’ve heard no news of for months and a secondary game that’s more an introduction to characters to tide us over till it eventually comes out, has to be interesting for some people.

For most people I know, both IRL and online, at least some of their interest in Homestuck came from the line of thought that “I’ve seen it just enough to be curious, and at this point I’ve got to know what the hell the hype’s about”.

So, there we go! My thoughts on the things that attract people to Homestuck. Even if the narrative could be better and I definitely don’t agree with certain choices Hussie made, it’s in no way enough to lessen my enjoyment of the characters, lore, or comic as a whole. It’s just too charming, even with all the bullshit.

#long post #sburbtheory #Anonymous #homestuck ramblings

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thelionshoarde · 7 years

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the magnificent @sabraeal got me, :3 :3

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

It’s from an unfinished short story I wrote back in 2014: It was awful business working in the Lion’s Hoarde Inn. I think I just enjoyed the sound of it, (:

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/favorites, follows/subscriptions, visitor hits, kudos)

Some Nights, my first Teen Wolf fic. People really love pack mom!Stiles, apparently lol.

3. What is your FFnNet/AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

O PUREST ONE. It’s from a fanart I’m still chipping away at. Because: it made @superhappybubbleslove go WAAAAHHHHHH MY HEAAARRRRTT and I enjoy making wonderful people suffer! :D

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

Things are about to get real lengthy, so...

@sabraeal, of course, is a dream come true, and is currently back at it with her long reviews, and BE STILL MY HEART. @superhappybubbleslove kicks ass every Saturday with her amazingness (and often is the only, or one of the only ones, to comment on a very particular thing that i really loved about a story or art, and i always fist pump whenever she does that hahaha) @claudeng80 has given me some of my favorite comments, EVER, and I often have to take a day or more to process my emotions before I can actually respond coherently haha, I GET VERY EXCITED, OKAY. @hidetheremote is one of my most faithful and kind and generous commenters, I am always thrilled to receive them and she’s been showering me with encouragement since the beginning, so she has a VERY special place in my heart! I have a few commenters on my ot3 things that are incredibly kind, or people who have bookmarked/kudo’d almost all of them, and while I do not believe I know their tumblr handles, but I would sell my first born for you. :| special shout out to @vfordii and @stuffaeamade and @raediation who are always SO supportive of my obizenyuki feels hahaha! @youseimanami is a one woman cheer squad and AMAZING, so kind and so so sweet, and her comments always feel SO genuine, they just make my heart get all swelled up and fuzzy and warm, I love her! I know I’m forgetting people, but I LOVE YOU ALL, YOU ARE ALL MY FAVORITES D;

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I cycle through over time. There are a lot of older, long fics in other fandoms that I occasionally go back to when I need a pick-me up lol. Currently, there is I KID YOU NOT a south park kenny/kyle fic that I’m in love with and have read 2-3 times in the last couple months since I first read it and I WILL PROBABLY INDULGE AGAIN, SOON. (gold digger, IT IS AMAZING, OKAY)

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

I actually never figured out how to subscribe! 8D I have 86 bookmarks, but it should be more. I went through a year long period I think where I never signed into ao3 lol.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

MAGIC. In some form or another lol.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

163 user subscriptions, and 2604 bookmarks. (some nights has 1912 bookmarks all on its own, okay, teen wolf is a v v large ocean of a fandom haha)

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

N O P E, i have no shame filter 8D .....ok, wait, the a/b/o one because it’s omega!obi and i’ve been a tad leery of the response i may receive for how very, uh, not your usual obiyuki dynamic in bed i want to make it. >_>

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

Hn, yes and yes and yes and yes. My big thing is: I want to learn how to finish lengthier things. I got into fandom to try and do that, and it’s my goal for this year, especially.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

Rarepairs, I think! Even when I write popular ships I usually write them in the less popular fashion haha. But mostly, I just write whatever I want, which is often a myriad of different pairings!

12. How many stories have you posted on FFNet/AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

13 stories on ffnet, and a few of those were also on my livejournal. I don’t have an exact number for livejournal, but it’s over 100. I’ve started moving some of those fics from my livejournal to ao3, now, so I’m up to 40. Only 23 of my ao3 stories aren’t also on livejournal at this moment lol. And there are a couple of things on tumblr I haven’t moved onto ao3 yet.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

I am unwilling to go down that dark and dangerous path. :|

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

I try and write down whatever jumps in my head, because I WILL forget things, otherwise. But I’ll spend days mulling over an idea, sometimes, before I am able to sit down and write it.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

Back in eljay days I wrote stories with other people on occasion. Sometimes it was just writing comment fic back and forth at each other. Or writing different scenes in the same universe that went together. Nothing big.

16. How did you discover FFNet/AO3?

I know I stumbled on ffnet myself, but I don’t remember for ao3. O: Pretty certain someone told me about it, but when I had livejournal I didn’t really use anything else.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on FFNet/AO3?

Hm, I’ve never been a widely popular anything, though I was lucky enough to have some excellent fans on eljay, who would jump fandoms with me just because they wanted to read my stuff. And folk who were incredibly kind and generous with their praise no matter how many random things I churned out haha. I’ve always been thrilled if there’s just ONE person who enjoyed a story I put out! I’m pretty easy to please!

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

My darlings!

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

Anyone who writes is an inspiration to me. I see people putting up fic and publishing novels, and I go I WANT TO DO THAT, UGH. Because I’ve always been a writer, ever since I was teeny, and have never stopped wanting to do it. I’ve always been in love with words, and stories. (As I’m sure many others can relate: I used to get in trouble in elementary school because I would read as I walked, and it was EARLY elementary school, where you had to walk in lines with your class because they were afraid they were gonna lose you, and I could read while I walked because I would just follow whoever was in front of me to wherever we were going haha)

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

It’s 100% okay if you write something, and you’re really proud of it, and you go back later -- a week, a day, a month, two years, whatever -- and think: THIS IS THE WORST. That doesn’t ever really go away, because as creators we are constantly evolving and looking to improve, and often times something that is actually quite solid and gives many readers joy will be a thing that you facepalm over, later. Use that to keep writing, and try to remember that you are most definitely your own worst critic. At the end of the day, keep doing this thing because you love it. Your work IS worthy, even when you think it should be set on fire and scattered across the deepest ocean never to be seen again!

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

A combo! Sometimes, especially for shorter things, I just get an idea, and sometimes I just think about it for a little while, and then I open a doc and I just go to town until it’s finished. Other times I start off by writing out the thoughts and building off of that, and sometimes I slip into actually writing it and then back to outlining. USUALLY I start writing a thing because I have a tiny spark of an idea, or a situation/concept I find interesting, and I have no idea where it’s going, and I just write to see what happens, and THEN I start plotting things out as I go, which can be one of the MOST frustrating ways to write a story. Anything big I’ve ever written (and I’ve written several drafts of several novels) starts out like this, where I have a random idea and I sit down and I write out whatever scenes crop up in my head, and then I start filling in the blanks, later. A lot of my longer fandom things also are like this. heading for a small disaster was me just sort of sitting around and thinking about an entirely different story, and then I had like, a half-formed idea for a single scene in my head, so I sat down and started writing chapter 1 to GET to that scene, coming up with stuff as I needed it, and by the time I hit the end of ch1 I was no where near my original idea, and had a bunch of other ideas, and THEN I started plotting things out.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

I’m sure I have! Though I haven’t posted fandom anything for a long time, so I don’t really remember. One comment I do recall was not a BAD comment, it was a comment about a bad thing I had done in neglecting to tag something, and then I got all defensive because I was younger and even more stupid than I am now, and I was an asshole, which I regret. ):

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

Action! Also, stationary scenes with multiple people that DOESN’T have action! Okay, ANY scene that has more than one person is tricky, though two people at least helps in pacing because it’s easier to intersperse dialogue, but you add one more person into a scene and I’m laying my head on my desk and CRYING. Transition scenes are also my bane, I have the hardest time figuring out how to move from point a to b. Basically: EVERYTHING IS DIFFICULT. That’s half the fun of writing something, though.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Too many, but I’m trying to focus on finishing up some longer things this year. Of course, despite that having been my resolution before the year even began, I have somehow found myself with two new longer fics than WHEN THE YEAR STARTED, ugh. disaster, magic!cowboy au, lyrias center, unicorn au, soulmate tattoo au, a second part to we can make our own way, the full version of back alley complete with smut and EMOTIONS, fight club au, ot3 modern day neighbors au, and all the christmas prompts I haven’t done yet, and I have like, two more chapters of picture perfect planned out that I just haven’t written yet, I AM HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME THINNING THE HERD, I 100% come up with more ideas than ever get written, as I’m sure most writers do haha.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

HAHAHA

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

Nah, I almost never succeed at stuff like that, and I get pissy if I fail, so I’ve learned not to put myself into that position if I can, because it just hurts my writing. I just write when I want, or when I have time even if I don’t want.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Hopefully! Though posting old stuff to ao3 has made me aware that my vocabulary has actually suffered over time, and I’m hoping to fix that!

28. What is your favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

I don’t entirely love anything that I’ve written. There are aspects of many things that I love dearly, though none of it really wins out against another. I’ll say: three of my orig novels are probably closest to being no 1.

29. What is your least favorite story(s) that you’ve written?

There was this one HP fic I wrote when I was like, 14?? I don’t know, but apparently I was VERY ANGRY, and wrote some really messed up stuff, and I wouldn’t mind being able to bury that shit haha. But truthfully -- I probably grew a lot from it, as embarrassing as it is to me, now. ...okay, there was a LOT of HP fic wherein I was in my DARK AND ANGSTY years, that, whew! I’m glad I’m not that person anymore haha.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

Still writing, hopefully. :3

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

CRYING. Crying is very easy, and so is laying my head on my desk and despairing that I will ever figure out how to make things work.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

WORKING THROUGH THE TEARS. It is very easy to give up, and mope, much more difficult to grit your teeth and wrangle a story into submission.

33. Why do you write?

Because I love the power of words. It’s magic. A written story is essentially an illusion spell. You put the right words on the page in the correct order, and behold! An entire world, with living characters, is born within the mind of a reader. And a single, minute change to any one of those words may shift the whole thing. It’s a constantly evolving formula, and full of surprises, and if you are particularly lucky and diligent you might even be able to spin an entire tale that grips people, shakes them up and makes them believe in something impossible, something that YOU created, from nearly nothing. That kind of power is pretty damned addictive.

#writing meme #about me #personal

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