#I like where and how things are going but just argh. It's so fucking complicated.

[variousqueerthings]

Thoughts on Jonny Lee Miller please?

sdfghjhgfdsadfgh FRIEND YOU JUST MADE ME VERY HAPPY

(we need to send asks more!!!!!! in this interwebs tumblr cultúre)

JLM THOTS (JLM thot)

okay so I cannot remember when I started watching Elementary, but that was my first conscious JLM (I had watched Trainspotting, but I was but a babby at the time -- I have seen it... some times since then), and listen. we through around the word ND on this here site, but I think Mr. JLM as Sherlock Holmes is one of the original tumblr ND regents, and still absolutely Peak! this man knew what he was doing!

and then I went on a little JLM tour, and I am here to give you the top movies I saw with him at the time (after which I will do the list of movies I want to watch now): Hackers, Trainspotting + T2, Plunkett and Mcleane (seriously, this movie is underrated!), The Flying Scotsman, Mansfield Park, Regeneration -- also most underrated Mr Knightley in Emma + in a fun, odd little show called Eli Stone (I also watched Mindhunters, Byzantium -- which is some great Gemma Arterton -- The Escapist, Aeon Flux, and Dark Shadows, and I'm not necessarily saying don't watch these... well, maybe don't watch Dark Shadows... but they weren't my favourite. although Byzantium is fascinating. misogynist vampires)

Movies I have yet to see that I want to watch: Dead Man's Walk, Complicity, Love Honour and Obey, and Dracula 2000

MOVIES TO SHORTLY GIVE AN EXTRA SHOUTOUT TO

I'm not going to talk about Hackers (famously dreaming about wearing a latex bodysuit and getting railed by his future irl wife Angeline Jolie) or Trainspotting, but T2 -- is it good? yeah, it's not bad actually. did it need to exist? no, no it didn't. did it enjoy textually pointing out that Renton and Sick Boy have some kinda Sexual Tension? yeah, yeah, yeah! actually kind of feels like the main reason it exists is to go "hmmm do you think Renton and Sick Boy are a bit... youknow?"

also shoutout to Robert Carlyle who's in the Trainspotting films and also co-starred with JLM in their very own homoerotic duo film, which includes Liv Tyler "Plunkett and Macleane" loosely based on the history of two real highway men, and it's. just such a great movie. it's one of my "please it's so fun and so silly and such a product of the 90s! Craig Armstrong did the music!" it's kind of got some polyamory going on?

The Flying Scotsman is about a real amateur cyclist, and it's a pretty by-the-numbers inspirational tale, but I quite like those when they're about real underdogs and Graeme Obree certainly was that. From memory (it's been a few years now) I believe I watched this film and went "ah so that's where some of the early development of Sherlock Holmes mannerisms stems from," so it's also just fun as a study of JLM the actor

Regeneration -- gotta mention this one, because of it being about Siegfried Sassoon. he doesn't play Sassoon, but he's very good in it and generally it's a fascinating piece based on a book that I for some reason have only read the sequels of, and I'd recommend anything about Sassoon, I'm easy like that

I also didn't mention Frankenstein up above, but I watched both versions of it back whenever it was being shown with National Theatre Live and he was fucking stunning in both roles. as Frankenstein he's a little different to how I often picture him (read: JLM is not giving pathetic twink, although he is giving twitchy weirdo), but JLM is so physical throughout, so pitch-perfect in how he's interpreting the role. and as Adam/the creature it's like every bit of tension he's ever been able to control is just unleashed, it's sooooo (argh gotta see if I can find a torrent of that so I can rewatch him)

Now the thing about JLM is that he's often cast as kinda the straight man in a lot of his stuff, but he's... so not.... that man is silly! and you can tell! his physicality is a bouncy little weirdo, and for a good long while his body was that of a bouncy little weirdo -- and then he got fuckn Big 🥵😂 (you can take the man out of the bouncy little weirdo, but you can't take the bouncy little weirdo out of the man...... smthin like that. the more i look at this sentence the more I feel like this is an innuendo, oh well. now it's intentional)

the thing I really like about him is that he seems totally un-self-conscious while playing characters who are often under great scrutiny, either for being considered criminal and/or for being visibly non-neurotypical and/or otherwise non-normative. he's a hacker, he's an addict, he's a creature that was created from the bodies of other men, he's a bipolar cyclist, he's giving us Thee Sherlock Holmes of modern times, stimming, kinky, caring, blunt, overstimulated, relapsing, deeply unconventionally in a relationship with Watson that doesn't attempt to fit them into any mainstream language at any point!

also he has the best grimace of ever. he's so good at looking simply. perturbed. uncomfortable. get me out of this party. when he's 70 or 80 he's going to be the best old man face 🥺🥺🥺

also if I am very very lucky and very very nice to my mum, she'll take me to watch him in his current play in London, wish me luck!

TL;DR underrated character actor JLM, broader than you think he is, the hero of portrayals of weirdos and freaks and outcasts, I think it's wild that he's danced around playing queers this entire time, make him kiss a man stat!

(there's a whole other, very specific analysis of his gender in Hackers and how that relates to a wider feeling about his particular take on masculinity in a lot of my favourite portrayals of his, and also there was a youtube video that i just spent 15mins trying to find on Hackers from a transgender perspective that's mostly correctly-so about Cereal Killer/Matthew Lillard, but touches on the gender-fuckery of JLM and Angelina Jolie)

(okay I wasn't gonna talk about Hackers, but we cannot forget this scene, we simply cannot!)

[sortyourlifeoutmate]

I continue to hate polls. Polls, that is, not poles or Poles, those are fine. Polls though? Fucking useless.

Observe:

Oh? That so? How'd you figure that?

The King's College London study found 66% of children in state schools, aged six to 12, had a positive view of the royals, compared with 56% in private. Overall it found higher levels of support for the monarchy among children than among teenagers and young adults. The findings were based on questions for 2,000 pupils across 200 schools.

Wow! So from a sample size of basically fucking no-one, you discovered that children are more likely to approve of the shiny, sparkly kings and queens? Hey, maybe you should have asked them if they thoughts unicorns were real too!

It is not until the over-50 age range where a majority say the monarchy is good for the country, according to the long-running survey, which overall found 52% backing the royals. But this latest university study has looked at an earlier stage and found a majority of primary school children had a positive response to the monarchy, in terms of making them feel "happy", "excited" or "proud". On average, the study found 65% support for the monarchy from this representative group of primary schools, with the highest levels of 68% in faith schools.

I know it's important to verify things you just assume, but A) Fucking polls asking a handful of people and out of that extrapolating the situation for MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE B) For your next trick are you going to poll water to see if it's wet?

But the big picture, according to lead researcher Dr George Gross, is to provide a more "nuanced" understanding of how attitudes shift over time. He says there has been a view that people become more "traditionalist" as they grow older and that is reflected in rising support for the monarchy. However, he says the latest findings in primary schools show a more complicated picture. "Our initial poll results certainly challenge the idea or consensus that the monarchy lacks support amongst younger people," says Dr Gross.

No! Your fucking survey demonstrates that children like the royals more than kids who have started to grasp the world! I don't want to talk down to five-to-ten-year-olds but they do not, perhaps, have a sufficient view of things to form an untarnished view on the position of the modern British monarchy! Or monarchy in general! You ever seen a fucking Disney film? Children have! How are you a doctor?

The support among children is closer to the most pro-monarchy age group, which is the over-65s.

There has ever been a curious link between those getting towards the elderly side of things and those on the very young. This is just another one. And, again, it's not complicated.

Dr Gross says it raises questions into what changes attitudes between the ages of 12 and the 18 to 24-year-old age group.

Does it?! Look out a fucking window, doctor! Read a fucking newspaper! Maybe try counting on your fucking fingers!

Royal historian Ed Owens said: "It is once these children hit adulthood that disillusionment with the monarchy starts to set in. The 18-to-24s have never been so sceptical about the benefits of constitutional monarchy." The royal author said this should be "set against a deeper disenchantment" about issues facing their generation, such as unaffordable housing and student debt, which he says means young people are rejecting the "political and social status quo", including the monarchy.

See? This guy gets it! It's not complicated!

Argh!

Anyway, I look forward to the next survey of two dozen random dickheads that can then be reported as conclusive proof of some shit that doesn't change shit for shit.

Fuck.

[ecoamerica]

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Lofty of BBC's Holby City was maybe one of the worst characters on the show. Is this a hot take? Do people outside of me and my family somehow adore Lofty? I can't imagine how. Here is my hateful mean and nasty reasoning. Read at your own risk I'm not accepting criticism at this time lmao:

A) he was effective comic relief on Casualty because it's the Emergency Department and moments of Lofty tripping over or doing a social faux pas are necessary tension breakers in episodes where people are constantly at deaths door.

Casualty is (when it's GOOD) required to have at least a third of the episode dedicated to a narsty horrible accident (hell yeah) and tensions are always running high so you can see how having someone a be awkward is not going to be the worst thing that happened to them that day.

Holby City is a more hospital staff focused show (although again. If there's less than a third of an episode focused on patients it is probably a bad episode. PLEASE HAVE PATIENTS IN YOUR HOSPITAL SHOW.) but there's a lot of waiting around for people in Holby because it's the longer term care zone. If Lofty is dropping stuff in the background of scenes with this lower energy it suggests he has some sort of untreated disability rather than 'argh I'm frantic OOPS'. He is painted more as incompetent on Holby compared to their more grounded staff. Which makes everyone ELSE look incompetent for putting up with it. (To be clear!!!! I'm not saying people with disabilities are incompetent lol if he had one it would have been a storyline!! And if he had one and none of the doctors who see him every day flagged it it also makes them look incompetent. He doesn't CARE enough to be CAREful. And in a show ABOUT caring for vulnerable people as far as you absolutely can. That's a big problem.)

Like the thing is. Characters on Casualty can be one note architypes forever because they're doing medical CSI. Holby spends so much more time with the cast, they NEED to become more complicated and Lofty never does, he's the same guy no matter what happens. The only other guy like that in Holby is the incomparable Guy Self and he's a villain! He is a villain for never changing or trying for anyone! And even he TRIES to reform occasionally. Lofty (and the SHOW) doesn't see a problem with him perpetually disengaging from making emotional choices, putting most of the work of maintaining relationships on other people, and generally coasting through a profession that everyone else is giving 110% to. The building could be on fire and he'd wander outside and not think to rescue any of the patients unless someone else told him to.

B) the B is for Bisexual. Bisexual representation on Holby City where he cheats on his husband with a woman. It's a yikes from me.

C) speaking of Dom. God their relationship was horrible. POOR FUCKING DOM. tw abuse. Lofty talks to and believes Dom's abusive ex over him? He hugs the guy that RECENTLY pushed Dom down a flight of stairs? And they're still supposed to be a cutesy couple by the end of this? He shuts down Dom's excitement constantly? Hello??

D) the D is again for Dom because. It's their one year anniversary. By the way it was on their honeymoon that Dom couldn't go on to support his sick mother that Lofty cheated on Dom. Just by the way. BY THE WAY if your husband says he's going to stay home for your honeymoon and insists you go by yourself so he can stay home to support his sick mother. Maybe. Hm. Stay and support him instead. Just a fucking thought.

Lofty decides it's not working and they amicably split up (Dom is an angel sent from gay heaven by the way. I perhaps have my biases.) Dom kindly gives him the quirky and personal gift he'd bought him for their one year wedding anniversary as Lofty unicycles away (it may have been a bicycle but I picture it as a unicycle). Lofty gives him. Nothing. Which means that this man sat there as they planned a big anniversary party and not ONCE. not ONCE did he consider buying Dom an anniversary present. Because he's an arse!!!!

E) he only does this :| or this :/ for any emotion. I love characters with flat affects, for example my close personal friends Hannah Supernatural, Abed Community, and also as well my actual real human friends who do this 💖💖💖. HOWEVER. Lofty doesn't show emotion any OTHER way either. There IS nothing going on in his heart. He has passion for nothing. He goes where other people point. He avoids giving his opinion because he doesn't have any. This makes him a bad tv character for a drama. Opinion IS story on Holby. There is an issue, they all take sides and fight over it, and he doesn't get involved.

Anyway. Show's been over for over a year I will never have to see Lofty's face ever again as long as I live unless I for some reason decide to do a bizarre Holby City Rewatch and keep going to season 19.

By the way as I was looking up when he came to the Holby side of Holby City Hospital, I found this quote from his wiki page:

"Lofty is portrayed as a nice person who is likeable and popular."

Hm. He IS PORTRAYED as a nice person. The show thinks he's a nice person who is likable. However.

This concludes my ministry of hate.

[mayhem-moth]

Abt the 70 horrible questions

Answer all the ones you're comfortable answering (aka do all of the numbers except the ones you're not comfy doing)

*HEAVY BREATHING*

OKAY LET'S DO THIS

1.I hate my dad. Love my mom

2.Probably one of my friends

3.Yes. i regret a lot of things

4.yee. i have things that i like about myself though. I think it's just easier to name bad stuff

5.single exactly how i like it i am vibing fr

6. Something funny or unexplainable. Be on a podcast kinda death

7.icecream :3

8.only the ones I was forced to for PE.

9.yee

10.never. as a kid i used to roughhouse with my brothers a lot though

11.Nope :D

12.no only around 24 unfortunatly :(. Let me find an excuse to change that!

13. My dad.

14. My cat. My friends i had to leave when i moved... and my dad? Or at least feeling like having a dad i guess?

15.two kimtys ones mine :3

16. Normal?

17. Nope :D

18. Kinda. Irl they give me heebie jeebies but as i grow older i get more amd more fascinated with them

19. NOPE IM NOT RISKING SCREWING ANYTHING UP NOSIREE TO MUCH PRESSURE

20. Nowhere :D

21. Uhhh exist? I barely knkw what im doing tommorow other than school ngl

22. Nope!

23. Got my ears pierced as a baby so two

24. Art related subjects. Anything else is a matter of chance

25. ^ people mentioned previously. Not really my dad persay it's complicated

26. Water. I should probably drink water

27.uhhhmmm that's pretty subjective? Im confident i have dissapointed a lot of people before

28. Nope. Can't be cheated on if you've never been in a relationship!

29. Nope ^^^^

30. THIS MATH ARGH!!!

31. My mom, my cat, my brothers, and my friends!

32. BLUE GREEN AMD PURPLE!!!

33. I don't trust a lot of adults. I've been lied to a lot. And i've come to realize that i really can't trust a lot of the adults i was told i was supposed to trust as a kid. Turns out someone cam appear nice but can actually be quite a jerk!! :DDD Funny how that works!!

34. I don't member /:

35. Mabye my mom when she yelled at me? It's been several months since i've actually cried

36. I don't know. I think i used to.

37. Forget

38. NOOOOOHHHHH. But these couple months have been quite nice!! I made a lot of friends!!^^

39. No age. Not in that context. Never been into that stuff i guess

40. Nope. Mabye if i was little baby or toddler that i can't remember

51(skips?). Whatever im in the mood for i just like food ngl

52. No. I think everythings unpredictable. I think good people can get hurt for no reason and bad people get good things for no reason.

53. Be on tumblr

54. Im sure there is contexts where it could be. Situations get complicated and I don't know everything.

55. I hope not I try to be nice. There have definitely been points in my life where i have acted mean though.

56. 0 but im slowly becomeing more and more willing to change that :)

57. No. But im not sure im one to talk ngl. Dunno what that feels like

58. Rain. And cloudy weather

59. In some contexts

60. No i want to be left alone

61. No never call me that.

62. Making stuff. My frens.Tumblr. My cat. The fam.

63. Don't think so. I like my name.

64. It's very hard to kiss nonexistence yes. Unless your talking about kissing my cat's forehead in which case no.

65. Reject nicely. Hope for the best

66. Think so probably on tumblr

67. My teacher probably. Mabye someone on tumblr

68. My mother :3

69. I don't know mabye :/

70. I would die for a lot of people it's hard to keep track!

I FUCKING DID IT!! LETS GO!!!!!!

[nerv-s]

for the last couple of days i’ve been in a state of crisis about the ethical ramifications of my field. what the fuck. what the fuck. i mean i love complicated shit with no easy answers, but also the weight of it is. crushing.

[thescottpack]

Can you do a Liam dunbar smut where the reader is a hunter but is actually a werewolf and Liam finds out yk smut some what after that.

A/n: I hope you like it anon :) ps: Please guys use protection I beg you!

Warning: Smut

Liam Dunbar x Y/n

It was happening again, the hunters had returned to active in Beacon Hills and honestly it was disturbing.They had no mercy on any kind of creature and their goal was simply to defend humans. What was even more frightening was the fact that I was a hunter but also a werewolf.

Scott Mccall was the only one who knew this fact, it's actually a very complicated story of how he found out but the fact that my family was always part of the hunters and if they found out about my truth I would end up with a headshot. Scott helped me a lot, taught me many things and introduced me to many amazing people like Liam Dunbar, I would do anything for him, he is my best friend and I've learned to fight for what you love.

"Are you mad?" I asked to Liam.

"And why would I be?"

"Well, coming into the woods when Scott was very specific about telling you not to is kind of stupid don't you think?"

"Y/n, you are here with me right now."

"Because you don't listen to me, I came against my will."

"You can leave if you want, I just need to look for something before I go."

"I'm not leaving you here alone, I haven't lost my mind yet."

Liam smiled and turned to face me.

"I'm a werewolf Y/n, you are the human between the two of us."

"I'm a hunter Liam, you otherwise think with your emotions."

"Argh, sometimes your coldness makes me sad."

"Coldness?Me as your best friend I'm here in the middle of the forest to help you. Liam the hunters aren't forgiving."

"I know and I love you for it, you're the only one who listens to my crazy ideas."

I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. "Just get this over with so we can get out of here."

"Yes ma'am!" Liam said continuing to walk until he crouched in a pile of leaves and reached out to touch it. I was looking around and when I realized Liam was screaming and had an arrow in his hand.

"What the hell is this Liam?!" I said. "Get up we need to get out of here."

We didn't even had time to take the arrow out of his hand, we found ourselves surrounded with guns pointed at us. Surprisingly my mom comes out of the shadows with three hunters. "Y/n I need you to get away from this boy." She gave me the order. I however stood in front of Liam.

"And why would i do that?" I asked my mother.

"He's a werewolf Y/n, back off before he hurts you."

"I wouldn't do that to her." Liam said.

"You act on your emotions boy, you don't know what you say."

I lowered my head and took a deep breath looking back at my mom. The words she said were the same words that came out of my mouth and sometimes I didn't think how depressing that could be.

"Mother please put down your weapons, all of you. There's no reason..."

"No reason?You're one of us, if you don't back away I'll attack anyway Y/n."

I didn't know what feeling was going through my body whether it was anger or sadness. My family would never accept me as I really was. My breath quickened as my tears ran down my eyes as I stared at the ground, I felt my claws appear and my teeth change shape. When I looked back at my mom she looked back at me confused as she lowered her crossbow for a moment.

"If you want him, you'll have to go through me first." Then I let out a roar causing my mother to raise her crossbow again.

"You...How can you?"

"It saved me mom."

"It destroyed you!" She said crying looking at me. "You will leave and never come back, if I see you again there will be no second chances."

I stared at her confused as Liam pulled my hand away causing me to clumsily run with him towards where we parked the car. Once the two of us entered Liam drove the car away as quickly as possible and when they were away from the scene he finally looked at me.I couldn't say a word, I was in shock and at the same time I knew this was going to happen. Liam took his hand off the gearshift and took my hand. Finally I notice the arrow was long gone.

"She hates me."

"No, she doesn't hate you."

"Yes she hates me, I saw in her eyes. She hates me and will make my whole family hate me too."

"Y/n if your mom hated you she wouldn't have allowed you to run away. Maybe it's just a matter of time."

I wiped the tears that had trickled down my face and I heard Liam take a deep breath and park the car.

"Come on, don't be like this.I hate to see you sad it breaks my heart. I'm here with you, we have Scott's pack we'll help you."

"I know it's just really hard to be rejected by your own mother."

"It's not like that, I don't hate you. I could never hate you for being who you are." Liam said put I his hand on my face. "You are not alone Y/n, I will always be with you."

I smiled looking into his eyes and he smiled back. "I really want to kiss you right now but I don't think it's right."

I could see in his eyes, all the love he was giving to me. I cupped his face in both of my hands and leaned in to kiss him. Liam accepted the kiss without reluctance, he tried to put his hand on my waist but the car's brake was getting in the way. What started as a slow kiss was now an insatiable kiss. Liam pulled me over so I could sit on his lap so nothing got in the way. My hands slowly slipped inside his shirt as I moved down to his neck leaving a bite. I could hear him moan softly in my ear.

"Y/n, maybe..."

"Hmm?"

"Maybe we should stop, I don't want it to look like I'm trying to take advantage of you."

"I would never have thought you would be able to do something like that Liam. I really like you no matter what happened. You said yourself you want to see me happy, I want to be happy and you are my happiness."

Liam ran his hands around my waist without taking his eyes off me. "You know that saying these things to me is cowardice." he smiled. "I like you a lot and whatever you want me to do I'll do it for you."

"Then love me, right here and now."

So without delay Liam returned to our kiss again, the heat went through my body when I felt his hands pull my shirt to remove it, I quickly helped him with this work staying now in my bra. Liam kissed my neck while he gently traced his fingers from the base of my neck to the valley of my chest. His kisses went down until his hand went up my back and released my bra removing it and throwing to the side. He kissed my breasts and I just loved the feeling. Until it was my turn to remove his shirt and I went back to kissing his neck while unceremoniously unzipping Liam's pants.

At that moment my skirt had taken the same fate as all our clothes, somewhere in the car but not on our bodies. I kissed him like I depended on it.

"Are you sure about that my love?"

"Yes Liam I'm sure." I said this already holding his member and directing it in my entrance.I slid into him slowly hearing a grunt from him. "I'm going to need your help." I said it smiling.

Liam then suddenly pulled the seat lever and pushed the seat away from the steering wheel giving more room for both of us making me move involuntarily on him causing me to let out a moan making him laugh. Liam kissed me again holding my waist while I held his shoulders. He started moving my waist at a steady pace. Until I wrapped my arms around his neck and he hugged around my waist.

"I need more."

Liam moaned into my mouth and helped me increase my speed. At this point it was already raining outside and the car was all locked, now with the windows were all fogged up, it was a remote road and the chances of someone passing by were minimal.

"Babe I really need you to cum with me." Liam said putting a hand between us and finding my sensitive spot.

"Fuck Liam."

"You're close aren't you? I can feel you squeezing me."

It didn't take long to my whole body felt invaded by a wonderful feeling, my mouth went towards his shoulders leaving a bite trying to control all the electricity that passed through my body and soon I felt Liam coming inside me.

Trying to control our breathing I laid my head on his neck while he had his head in the car seat.

"We should have done this before." Liam said.

I smiled. "Definitely."

"You're coming home with me today and tomorrow we'll talk to Scott, deal?"

"Deal."

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

just because you’re afraid it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Titans 3.05

once more into the cold dark void of the internet with my stream-of-consciousness take on a superhero tv show...

spoilers ahead.

1. i cannot believe that among the first things i get to hear in this episode with my own two ears is the line 'eluded our overdudes'. why must you give me such pain along with so much joy, show?

1.5. scarecrow stringing jason along on this path to red-hood-dom is not something i would’ve ever expected, but does kind of make sense. 

1.55. i don’t know all the details of the original resurrection arc in the comics but i like that jason, weirdly, has a greater role to play in his own demise and rebirth? i think it makes it easier to draw a line between his past trauma, the demonstrably shitty and terrifying responsibility of being robin, the ways bruce and the titans wronged him, his responses to that, the reasons he turns to scarecrow, and his final evolution to red hood. it makes for a smoother character arc rather than a one that was interrupted for two decades before somebody went oh hey let’s resurrect that kid that the audience once voted to kill and make him an anti-hero!

1.75. what’s crane giving him? anti fear toxin? anyway, crane is a fucking creep and i’m not sure i want to see a whole lot of him on my screen.

2. oh, um, heads up: there’s a long sequence of unsteady cam + flickering lights right after the title card upto the 3:16 mark. it’s a bit headache-inducing so if you want to skip, you can go ahead and do that. 

2.45. that’s... weird... why would he dream about... donna...

ok, who am i kidding. i’m going to jump right into my theory about Why Titans Makes Sense Actually because the show itself is apparently not interested in explaining itself:

a) it makes no sense for jason to be conjuring up donna--who famously did not care much for him!--in his dreams. (he wasn’t even there when she died.) or for her to be telling him don’t go or there’s still time.

b) this leads me to think that that’s actually donna, in some sort of limbo between life and death, the kind of place where jericho used to be

c) rachel has demonstrated that she has the power to link the minds of the titans across great distances--she called jason and hank/dawn for help in 2.01, she linked up everybody later in the season, projected dick’s hallucination of his father into their brains without even realising she was doing it, and in the finale, she managed to get dick into conner’s brain. she’s in themyscira now. is this how she gets donna back to life? but reaching out to her in that non-space between life and death?

d) the next obvious question is: why isn’t donna appearing in the dreams of the other titans? she probably is, but they have better reason to be dreaming about her since they were actually close to her, unlike jason.

e) but why would she warn jason in particular? does she foresee jason entering the afterlife--however briefly? does she have an idea of what jason plans to do and what he will become?

f) anyway, more trippy mindscapes and weird psychic powers, yay!

2.5. my heart clenched when bruce comforted jason post-nightmare: clearly i’ve been reading way too much batfam fic. this is a side of bruce we haven’t really been told to expect by all the characters on the show calling him a ‘psychopath’ (*cough*unreliablenarrators*cough*) and him getting jason to speak to a professional speaks volumes about the kind of self-reflection he’s done post dick’s departure, and maybe some of the regrets he has with regards to how he dealt with dick’s traumas.

i mean, just look at him when jason dismisses his concerns! BRUCE IS TRYING JASON

anyway, i have a whole lot more i want to say about this, but i’ll save it for later. 

also: LESLIE THOMPKINS!!!!

3. i really like molly--and i love that she’s a friend from before jason got taken in by bruce, the implication that they meet up regularly and that she’s a grounding influence on him (tho clearly not grounding enough to not go along with his dumbass idea about confronting a child trafficker alone). 

3.5. aw, jason. robin was his armour against everything in the world that would throw him down and chew him to bits, but san francisco proved that even robin wasn’t enough to protect him. it’s really interesting how ‘disillusionment with the idea of robin’ is so integral to the traumas of both dick and jason but in such different ways. 

4. LESLIE!!!!!!! i even forgive her office being so goddamn blue because leslie! 

4.5. it makes so much sense for titans!verse leslie to be a therapist, because this show is so inward looking anyway, and therapist sessions are a useful tool to showcase this character work in a story. besides, at least in fanfic, leslie often seems to double up as a counsellor anyway. 

4.6. oh man. i’m not terribly convinced by walters’ red hood (tho i think that may be the point--argh. i’ll come back to this thought later. have to stop getting distracted!) but he plays the asshole kid that’s trying not to let any real emotion seep through really well.

“you’d like me to punch you, wouldn’t you”

5. not sure what to think of batman’s little trophy case other than the show winking unsubtly at us and going look look - catwoman! the riddler! two face! you excited yet?! it’s like the scene from the end of amazing spiderman 2 when they were trying to drum up excitement for a sinister six spinoff by having harry osborne walk by a bunch of display cases with stuff from iconic villains in them.

... but then again, bruce does like to display a lot of shit in his batcave, including his dead robin’s bloodstained costume, so.

5.5. bruce is so soft with jason it’s killing me. beyond just trying to learn from his mistakes with dick, it speaks to his own genuine desire to balance his dedication to gotham with doing the best by his sons, although he’s often not successful with that. 

i love that titans is really playing the long game with bruce wayne, with each season and character-perspective sliding in fresh pieces of a bigger puzzle. titans’ bruce has always been a phantom of other peoples’ making, but now we’re getting the idea that he’s a whole lot more complicated than other people make it seem.

5.75. it really recontextualises some of his actions from previous seasons: the fact that he locked dick out of his security systems in 1.06 is likely his way of respecting dick’s independence and his desire not to be associated with batman/gotham anymore. jason knowing about bruce’s tracker while dick doesn’t is probably bruce trying to be more honest and upfront with his charges. bruce sending jason packing off to sanfran to spend time with the titans is probably not him passing on a big responsibility to dick (as i first uncharitably thought) but him trying to get jason out of the toxic influence of gotham for a while and a sign of his trust in dick as a leader and a mentor,

5.8. i mean, bruce is a prick, but he’s also human.

6. i think leslie is doing some good work with jason here, though she may have overstepped the line with her line about robin as a construct being projected by a man with BPD. her speculations about bruce’s diagnosis have no place in her session with jason, and if bruce confides in her, an egregious violation of patient-therapist confidentiality. 

(about the diagnosis itself... i don’t know. i can’t really confirm or refute this without a whole lot more information, and i’m not sure if the writer of this episode means BPD in the same way an actual professional might.)

6.5. i think a huge thing that gets missed out in a lot of recent comics as well as movies/shows is that bruce didn’t create the robin persona out of whole cloth. dick did. he’s the starting point of that legacy and to call it entirely bruce’s creation is blatant erasure of that. in fact, i’m surprised that dick doesn’t feature more in the conversations they’re having about the pressures of being robin. after all, the guy had been robin--bruce’s partner--for such a long time before jason. 

6.8. (and here’s the primal part of me that resonates the deepest with dick grayson--the Eldest Daughter part--that’s sort of resentful: that jason gets the therapy and softness and the learning from mistakes when it took years and years for bruce to reach out in any meaningful way to dick.)

7. oooh that was a great scene!

it’s fun to do these stream-of-consciousness live reactions, because the moment you step down from your soapbox, the episode goes right into tackling what you were just complaining about. bruce means well, he’s learning, but he goes about exactly the wrong way to help jason: taking away robin now can’t be read by jason as anything but a devastating judgment call from bruce. and iain glen really sells the moment that bruce realises this--too late--and his helplessness in trying to get jason to see that it isn’t jason’s fault that he’s trying to do this. he loves jason enough that jason is enough. 

7.5. aaaah so jason brings up the elephant in the room at last. dick got everything makes sense from his perspective, where getting to put on a costume and fight crime means approval, means being something stronger and better than you are. dick got to be robin, then nightwing, and a leader of a whole team of other costume-clad heroes. 

8. ... how did jason just walk into arkham????? this is ridiculous.

8.3. i mean, clearly jason’s not thinking straight, but betraying batman like this puts his possibilities of being robin again even further away. 

8.5. watching that chemistry experiment montage was strangely funny. this guy is looking for an antidote to fear? well, constantly mixing up and inhaling gases concocted by a mad-scientist supervillain is something only the very fearless--reckless to the point of foolishness!--would do. what’s to say crane’s not given you a formula for a drug that will keep you tethered to his every will and whim? hmmmm?

8.7. so he sought out the joker to... test the formula??? 

9. wow the “loud and clear... boss” hits different after a whole episode of them referring to each other as father and son.

9.3. waitwaitwait HOLD UP. wait a DANG MINUTE. you’re telling me that scarecrow had enough resources that he could not only have folks on the outside steal jason away and dunk him in a lazarus pit (i TOLD you that this show would bring up and dismiss ra’s al ghul in a ten second aside! I TOLD YOU) but also have his own little chemistry lab in the basement, AND have enough resources for jason to build his red hood persona???????? all of this in barely twenty four hours?

well there goes my ‘jason orchestrated his death’ theory. it was nice while it lasted. *cups hands to the sky* fly away, my baby.

9.6. a part of me is gleeful at the rushed nature of such an iconic transformation though, especially when compared to all the character work that went before it. we’re so used to getting the opposite that it’s fucking delightful to have a show that’s more interested in exploring its characters’ minds rather than battle scenes or recreating transformations from the comics. that’s taken such bold and exciting steps to fully convey all the nuances of its most recognisable character, bruce wayne, from casting an older actor to play him to unflinchingly showing just how damaging the vigilante lifestyle has been to him and the people he loves. BRILLIANT

*sporfle*

10. again, heads up: a whole lot of flashing lights between 40:28 and 42:00. 

10.3. i guess it’s the super-compressed timeline that’s really throwing me off. where did he have the time to get/develop the mind control thing from? or is it something that he got from the cabal of villains that he intimidated at the beginning of 3.02? very messy.

10.5. i love molly, i hope she shows up again this season.

11. aaaand that’s it! that was a solid episode as flashback episodes go, but now i can’t wait to return to the present.

[supernatural-in-retrospect]

Supernatural in retrospect (6/327).

↳ 1x06 Skin (October 18, 2005).

Director: Robert Duncan McNeill || Writers: Eric Kripk & John Shiban

Jarrad says this is the scariest episode of Supernatural for him and it’s easy to see why he thinks that. 1x06 has average directing but the writing and monster really make up for it. Since shifters share people’s memories and shed their skin in a horrifyingly graphic fashion they end up being one of Spn’s most physically and emotionally compelling monsters. Skin is both a Sam & Dean episode which I adore and the convo between Sam and the shifter is just phenomenal and though I wish it was subtler it’s a great introduction to the complicated jealousy/resentment/parental responsibility of Sam and Dean’s dynamic.

Favourite quote: Dean: Argh, the thought of him driving my car. || Sam: Oh, come on! || Dean: It's killing me! || Sam: Let it go.

Best song: the death riders ~ Mary [because ummm “I don't wanna be a freak show pretty boy anymore // I don't wanna be a full time slave // I don't wanna be your midnight cowboy anymore // I just wanna be Mary] I don’t even need to explain, y’all already know! it feels like that song’s made for Dean!

Overall rating: 9/10

My random thoughts:

SORRY IM NOT OVER THE FUCKING SONG! the symbolism of a creature they established as Dean ripping off it’s skin as “Mary” plays. However, The scene with the shifter shedding is so disgusting, like whenever I need to throw up to cure my hangover I know where to go now.

The first episode with shifters and it really gets that the actual scary thing about them is how they can use people’s relationships and trust for their own gain, like the scene with shifter Dean and the hot girl of the week is skin-crawling.

One of the best cold opens of the show and it caries the kinda boring ask witness/investigate crime scene portion of the ep.

The first appearance of the Samulet?!?!!

I love Sam using his knowledge of the law! And I like that this episode has consequences, like the law knows about them now and it comes back in really fun ways.

The convo between Dean and Sam about not getting close to people shows how much they grow over the series considering how much family/side characters will come to matter to them (e.g Cas, Jack, the wayward sisters, Charlie, Garth, Kevin, ect, ect).

[nolansnose]

To my moots: I did A THING. Wrote a lil something. A Nolpat imagine *gasps*

This is unfinished and I will only be updating this everytime Patty gets a point or better yet, score a goal!

Edited and rb'd because this has been updated!

(With added steam 🙈)

Summary: Surprise!

Nolan Patrick x whoever you wanna pair him with in your head

UNTITLED

They hadn't exchanged any kind of communication in three weeks. That kind of radio silence from both their ends wasn't normal. It has been a month since they saw each other last, they were both busy --- she with the endless demands and responsibilities of being the new executive assistant to the director of medical services while Nolan was training in preparation for the incoming season.

It amazes her how they were able to give each other attention in the past year and how they haven't given up on each other. It wasn't easy, it's daunting at times, at least for her.

For someone with such a demanding job and schedule, she truly couldn't figure out how she was able to give time to Nolan.

She didn't understand how someone like her was able to pique his interest or that he continued to give her attention, well, not until these past few weeks. She may be busy but during moments that she wasn't thinking about work, Nolan makes sudden, sometimes unwelcome appearances in her thoughts.

Unwelcome because she shouldn't be thinking about him. They're not... Argh! She sighed and put down the book she's trying so hard to understand in her lap. She's in an old cottage by the beach, alone for this long weekend, her first non work related trip after a long while since being appointed and she's alone. She should be relaxing, resting, eating sumptuous meals and reading this... Shit it was Nolan who gave her this book. Why did she pick this one to bring? She sighed again and tried for the nth time to relax in the couch she was perched on. She put her feet up in the arm rest and reached for the tea in the side table to drink but grimaced as its already cold.

As cold as the weather that wasnt apt for the place she was in. Beaches are made for warm, summery weather, not rain and cold drafts. She looked out the window and shook her head because it was still raining. The rain peltering the roof was loud and... what was that?

She heard something beside the raindrops. Footsteps. Rustling. Knocking? Was someone knocking?

But she wasn't expecting anyone.

Still, she stood up and headed for the kitchen which was near the parking area of the resort she was in. She clutched her chest when she saw another shadow beside the plants outside. Shit! A thief? But this was an exclusive resort!

She grabbed the fruit bowl in the counter and headed for the kitchen door. There was that sound again. Footsteps. And knocking.

She took a deep breath and raised the bowl above her head, ready to whack whoever was on the other side of that door. She unfastened the locks and opened the door.

"Fuck!", the 'intruder' called out and caught the bowl before it made contact with his face.

"Nolan?", she blinked.

The newcomer put down the bowl and raised the hood of his jacket. "Hi,"

"I thought you were a thief!"

Nolan looked at her with amusement. " I knocked but there was no answer."

"When was that? I didn't hear anything."

"Uh, five minutes ago?", he asked as he grabbed a clean towel out of the basket on the washing machine near the door. "May I?"

She exhaled loudly while moving away from the door so Nolan could dry his shoes in the mat and removed his jacket which was also wet.

"What are you doing here?" she asked. How did he even know she was here? Oh. Right. She remembered telling him about this weekend trip the last time they were together.

"I missed you," he said. "You didn't text or call."

"You never did, too," she pointed out.

"Hey, I called," he said with a bit of pain in his voice.

"When did you call?"

"Are you going to let me come in or do I have to defend myself by your kitchen door?"

2

"What's that for?", she asked having glanced at his backpack.

"Change of clothes. I've been in town for a few days, actually ", he replied honestly.

She gave him another quick look before going back to retrieve the cup of tea in the living room and brought it up in the kitchen to heat in the microwave. She felt his eyes on her while she set the timer.

"Chamomile?", Nolan asked just as he put down his already opened backpack in the kitchen counter and took out a clean pair of socks.

She didn't know whether to be irritated or happy that he remembered her preference. Normally, she'd appreciate it but now she felt cornered. Vulnerable. She came here to unwind, rest and think, -- to escape from all that's troubling her -- that included Nolan.

Yep, trouble. That's Nolan, alright. What else would you call the man who chose to entangle himself with someone like her? Even for a weekend, she wanted a break. She wanted him out of her head, her body and her bed.

"You still haven't answered why you're here," she took the mug out of the oven and set it on the counter. She caught the smirk on his face. "What?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Nolan took a step towards her and tenderly caressed her arm."Didn't you miss me?"

She looked up into his eyes to see a worry there she didn't normally see.

They've talked about their situation a handful of times before, where they're headed eventually. Together they've decided that its better if no one else knew whatever kind of relationship they were to have.

She can't remember exactly how that topic came about, but they wound up in bed together before defined lines were ever set.

This, whatever this was, has gone on for a year, a short time compared to others. She knew she shouldn't keep her hopes or expectations up, but sometimes, she gets tired of her feelings being hurt from a misunderstanding because nothing was solid or made public. Sometimes the feelings were his. Sometimes he acted jealous or frustrated because she behaved in a way that made him question the exclusivity they had agreed on a year ago.

"Not at all?" His low, lazy voice pulled her back from her thoughts.

She shook her head. "No."

He leaned into her some more, their closeness made her feel like she's drowning. "Liar."

Then his mouth met hers and she instinctively opened her mouth to allow his tongue to enter. He tasted sweet and salty like caramel popcorn. He satisfied every urge and each craving.

A whimper escaped her throat and he had her pushed against the counter with one hand in her hair as the other lifted her leg and grabbed her ass. He knew how to completely envelop her into a whirlwind of sex. It started out with a kiss as it always did.

And this kiss grew more fervent and she felt a familiar hardness push against her in just the right place. He made her feel sexy and desirable in a way that she revelled in. His kisses were addictive.

Its hard to reclaim her sanity everytime they ended up like this, like he drained whatever courage she had left. But before she could totally gave in, she held Nolan's arm firmly and pushed him away from her. He moaned a little as a protest but moved away and let her right herself.

The desire for her was evident in his eyes, in his jeans and she tried not to look but his scent, his kiss lingered. She was still dazed and her heart was beating wildly.

"What?" He asked as he touched the edge of his mouth.

"We can't continue this, Nolan", she insisted.

He shook his head. "We're not doing anything we haven't done bef----"

"No", she cut him off before he could finish his sentence. "This as in hiding. We thought it wont get this complicated given our work and who we are, we thought it'd be easy. None of this is easy, Nolan."

"Thank you for saying we, instead of you," he nodded as he answered. "Seriously. We both said this unofficial exclusive thing would be easy and a breeze and I'm glad you didn't pile the blame for your feelings just on me."

She looked at him carefully. Sometimes, his prankness still startled and overwhelmed her. She hoped and tried hard for its effect to not register on her face.

"Whoa," he said with one eyebrow raised when her gaze turned squinty. "Why are you looking at me like I just told you I'm getting married or something?"

"Let's end this, Nolan," she said in a faint voice, then grabbed the mug of tea again.

She felt him observing her eventhough her attention was on the tea she's drinking.

"You already said that four months ago."

"This time I meant it." She said in a voice lacking of conviction.

[sparring-hyena]

a different beginning.

i’m replaying the freshman series and this is basically just a little ‘what if...?’ that wouldn’t leave my head.

OR, the one where Becca and MC hookup, hate that they need each other, and accidentally fall in love.

-

-

the first time they meet is on the quad, and naturally, it is a spectacular disaster.

Becca drops her iced coffee on Alex’s shirt. it’s deliberate, too, and she barely veils it as an accidental slip. it’s an asshole move, and she knows it. she tells herself she does it for a boy. because she’s jealous. jealous of the attention this random girl is getting from Chris. that has to be the reason. what else would it be?

she ignores the fleeting thought of it is something else! and insults Alex again for good measure before whisking Chris away.

it’s later in the day when Becca sees Alex again this time at the Welcome Week Fair, and this time not alone. and she’s sporting a bikini, which certainly isn’t unpleasant. but that’s a fact that she’ll take to her grave.

it irritates her to no end when she sees Chris staring at Alex though.

jealousy, she tells herself. that green-eyed monster that she just can’t seem to shake no matter how hard she tries.

Alex and her friend—Kaitlyn, she learns—approach the Kappa booth. and that is as disastrous as their first meeting.

Becca and Alex spit ugly words at each other. leaning closer and closer as though that’ll make their point clearer. and she can feel something ignite inside her as she fights with Alex. it’s new. it’s exhilarating. and, strangely, it makes her ache for something unknown.

it isn’t until Maddison chimes in that Becca realises just how close they actually are. she jumps back, startled and irritated and everything else in between. but Alex just grins at her like she knows something. as if there’s even something to know.

“we’ll have to do this again,” Alex says, and she even winks. then she knocks Becca’s iced coffee off the table and down Becca’s shirt and pants. and Becca admits, she probably had that one coming.

she smiles to herself as she watches Alex leave. and then decides that this year might not be as bad as she first thought.

-

Becca next sees Alex at a party. a Kappa party, which makes it both strange and annoying that she does. although, she supposes it shouldn’t be a surprise at all, given that the party is to celebrate Chris’ help in securing the first win of the football season. but still, that doesn’t make it any less irritating.

she spots Alex and Chris talking across the room, and then makes a show of walking right up to them and linking her arm with Chris’. she does that to prove something, Becca decides must be the case. to prove that Chris is hers and hers alone.

she ignores the part of her brain that screams that’s not true, but you’re so close!

and then someone suggests a game of beer pong when she tries to whisk Chris away. Chris says something mildly annoying then, about how he’s not a prize to be won, but that he’ll make an exception this time. he even grins and winks at Alex, which is just— argh!

but this isn’t about winning alone time with Chris, it’s about proving Alex wrong. so, Becca’s not about to back down now. especially when Alex is looking at her like that—brow arched, smirking, and arms folded across her chest.

“you’re on,” Becca says through gritted teeth.

and all Alex does is say, “good luck,” before she winks and follows everyone else into the other room. that leaves Becca alone, releasing a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding, and feeling every nerve ending alight.

it’s the anger, she tells herself.

not it’s not, her brain says, but she squashes that and follows after everyone a moment later.

Becca loses to Alex. and that surprises her. she hasn’t lost a game of beer pong since her freshman year. she decides it must be the alcohol that messed up her game, and ignores the fact that she’s only had two drinks tonight and is by no means a lightweight.

as she watches Alex and Chris slip outside, Becca feels that ache for something unknown return to her. this time stronger, as though compelling her to do something damnit!

but again, she ignores.

she grabs Chris shortly after and loops her arm through his. and then the party carries on, and she tries her best to keep her gaze away from Alex.

it’s later in the evening when Becca sees Alex step outside. she’s alone and something in Becca’s mind tells her to follow after her and say something. is there even anything to say? probably not, but who really cares?

she finds Alex sitting on the curb with her head between her knees.

“you’re not going to be sick, are you?” Becca asks, forgoing any sort of pleasant greeting.

Alex glances over her shoulder and smiles. “not tonight. maybe another night though. i’ll keep you updated.”

“wonderful,” Becca drawls as she sits down beside Alex and wonders why on Earth she’s sitting in a grimy curb at ten-forty-five at night.

“did you want something?”

and before Becca can think too much about what she wants—because she does want something—she grabs the collar of Alex’s shirt and yanks her in for a kiss. she kisses hard and fast like it means nothing at all. then she pushes Alex away and stares in disbelief because oh, crap, i just kissed her.

“i wondered when you’d do that,” Alex says, her tone light and amused.

“shut up.”

“make me.”

so Becca does. she pulls Alex in for another kiss that’s harder and deeper this time. she nips at Alex’s lower lip and delights in the moan that falls from her mouth.

they spring apart when the front door of the Kappa house flies open, and a group of mostly drunk students stumble out onto the front lawn.

Becca ducks back inside before she has a chance to fuck things up further. she returns to the familiarity of Chris’ side, and doesn’t dare look to see if Alex comes back in.

-

Becca learns that Alex is rushing her sorority and that... she doesn’t know what to make of that. the annoyance and nerves and quiet curiosity is a whole can of worms that she’s not at all ready to open.

it’s when the rush party is in full swing that she grabs Alex by the arm and pulls her into a bathroom when she’s sure no one is looking.

“what are you doing here?” Becca hisses, getting way too close to Alex.

“isn’t it obvious?” Alex steps closer, too, as though daring Becca to do something. “i’m rushing.”

“i got that. but why are you rushing?”

“i wanted to broaden my horizons.”

Becca regards Alex for a moment. she knows Alex is lying and has some other ulterior motive, but who knows, this might actually be kind of fun. “okay then.” she places her hand on Alex’s shoulder and leans in close to whisper in her ear. “good luck.” and then she turns and leaves before Alex can do or say anything else.

the rest of the party is fine and goes off without a hitch. and so does the scavenger hunt later that night. Becca is quietly relieved that it’s Alex’s group who returns first with the sweater. truth or dare follows that, and Becca certainly doesn’t hold back. she fires question after question, challenges the three pledges to dare after dare.

but what bugs her about the whole night, what really sticks with her, is the fact that she can’t stop staring at Alex. when the night comes to an end, and Alex, Abbie, and Kaitlyn leave, Maddison pulls Becca aside.

“you like Alex,” she says, hopeful and smiley.

Becca chokes on the air and stammers out a response. “what? no i don’t— why would i— that’s ridiculous.”

“oh, i thought you did; you kept looking at her and smiling to yourself. and she seems like she’d be a really great fit—all three of them do! i know you and Alex got off on the wrong foot, but you shouldn’t rule her out.”

and— oh. they aren’t talking about the same thing.

...

even if they were though, she doesn’t like Alex. she loathes Alex.

-

there’s an itch that Becca just can’t seem to scratch on the night of the sorority ball. she gets dragged away to address everyone and that’s when she sees Alex and right when the fucking itch decides to up its drive. she tries to carry on with the night, but her mind just won’t let her.

you must see it now, her brain says.

she doesn’t. but she does see Alex’s arm looped through James’ and that bugs her like nothing else ever has and makes the itch go wild.

she tells herself it’s not jealousy even when her brain screams that it is, and pushes on through the night. she tries to sate the itch by shooting witty remarks at Alex. and it seems to help some. but then she announces which of the pledges got into the sorority. and Alex isn’t one of them.

the itch doesn’t like that.

-

there’s the birthday party fiasco, which is where... something changes between them.

they butt heads at the club and Becca makes a show of dancing up close to Chris. but then she sees Kaitlyn kiss Alex, and Alex doesn’t stop her. that hurts more than she cares to admit.

it’s later in the night when they wind up at the hospital. Kaitlyn collapsed at the club. too much alcohol, Becca guesses. she goes with Chris and tries to offer support. when she steps into the bathroom just before leaving, she finds Alex standing at a sink.

Becca thinks fo turning around and leaving right then, but then Alex looks up says, “hey.”

she returns the greeting and comes to stand at the sink beside Alex. “sorry about...” everything is what she wants to say. because she’s just now realising how complicated and messy things between them are. “tonight. sorry about tonight,” is what she says instead. because it wouldn’t be right to make tonight about them.

“thanks,” Alex says, and she offers a weak smile to Becca through the mirror.

Alex places her hand on the counter between them, and Becca glances at it and feels the itch again. she hesitates for a second but then places her hand on top of Alex’s and offers a reassuring squeeze.

the itch quietens after that, and Becca feels the ache for something unknown return to her again.

-

whatever she had with Chris ends a few days later. it stings when Chris leaves, because she knows why he does. but she releases a breath and feels like she can breathe again.

-

the end of the quarter draws near, and so too does the formal. but Becca tries to forget about that for now and focus on the party she’s at. Alex had invited her, which is... strange, to say the least. but whatever. she’s having fun, so does it really matter?

she bumps into Chris once when they’re both getting a drink and it surprises her how not awkward it actually is. it makes her sort of glad that they aren’t together anymore—they never did work very well as anything other than friends.

she spots Alex across the room who offers a bright smile and wave. the itch comes back then, and a thought pops into her head—a dangerous thought that certainly won’t end well.

do it, her brain challenges. you know you want to.

Becca says a fuck you to her brain because who are you to say that you know what i want? and then she goes back to the party.

naturally, ten minutes later, Becca and Alex are making out in Alex’s room.

it’s hot and it’s fast, and when Alex spins them around to hoist Becca up onto the desk, Becca feels a thrill run up and down her spine. her brain says i told you so and goes oddly quiet for a while.

“neat trick,” Becca says as Alex’s mouth moves down her neck and across her chest.

“i am to impress.”

“is that so?”

Alex hums.

“in that case” —she grabs Alex’s hand and places it on her inner thigh beneath her dress— “impress me.”

“you sure?”

“yes.”

when Alex’s hand begins to creep higher on her leg, Becca tosses her head back and has to bite back a moan. there’s still a party on the other side of the door. she mustn’t forget that.

when Alex gets her to come, she wonders why the fuck they weren’t doing this from the start.

-

the end of quarter formal arrives. Becca goes stag and is surprised to learn that Alex does, too. they don’t dance together or flirt or try to play nice. just shoot insults that have lost all their bite. and when the night draws to a close, they find each other alone on the quad, itching to reach out and do something about everything that’s been simmering between them for months.

but then Zack appears again. he grabs Alex’s arm and drags her away, claiming something about a “totally raging after party.”

Alex tries to get out a response, and Becca wonders if she plans on saying something akin to “no, thanks, i’ve got other plans.” but that doesn’t happen, so Becca’s left standing alone on the quad.

and then she realises that everything she’s been feeling can only really mean one thing—

her brain says, yes, finally, you’ve figured it out! and waits in anticipation.

—maybe she’s accidentally fallen a little bit in love.

part 2

[booasaur]

aha the risk thing (from whatever interview) makes sense now after that promo. the “life changing information/news” thing doesn’t quite fit that though, you know? leyla not getting a spot at new amsterdam isn’t life changing BUT fucking BRIBING someone to let her in is certainly a risk, as would be lying to leyla about it, which does fit the whole “i don’t want any secrets between us” thing they’re setting up

For sure, it's huge for Lauren, but WHY does she go to those lengths? Which part of it is life-changing for Leyla...unless they're like, she absolutely can't get a job anywhere else at all? Her stay in the country is contingent on this one job? I dunno...

And another anon:

big sad there weren't any new leyren scenes tonight but considering the canadian promo for next week i think i was right when i assumed that line from lauren to floyd "it's not a secret, it's keeping something complicated to yourself to protect the other person" was not a line lauren was saying that related to her in that present moment but rather a line the writers put to foreshadow her making the bribe to get leyla the job at new am without telling leyla about it

Yep, I guess, though, Lauren, that IS a massive secret, lol. Definitely wish there'd been more for Leyren in 3x13 but it really was mostly setting up this finale.

And another anon:

prediction based off the New Amsterdam Canadian promo clip: Lauren will bribe the Dean, someone will find out, and next season she’ll have to fight to keep her medical license

Argh, I don't know if I want that, especially when...I still don't get why it's so necessary. And it's just so dumb, on every level, not only does it put her at risk, her relationship at risk (Leyla's not gonna like it at allll), but it's gonna still put Leyla's job at risk?? Tsk.

And another anon:

What are your thoughts/theories about Leyren in the finale? Especially after that 3x14 promo. You think she’s actually gonna go with the bribe or she’ll find another way? Personally I think she might even go with it, but it does seem something old Lauren would do, and sort of a disservice to the development she had this season and it would also mess things with Leyla since she’d never be ok with it.

Right, but I can see it going either way. She has grown a lot this season and it would definitely cause major friction with Leyla, but on the other hand, as much as I've loved her growth this season, it's seemed pretty rushed at times. After all, things like this are never a straight line but a three steps forward, two steps back kind of thing. So they could still believably do it and still have her realize how much she messed up and react to it maturely (though of course that doesn't make for good drama).

On the other hand, I wonder if this'll be their way of kind of...resetting Lauren a bit, so they can start her arc anew (albeit at least not from all the way at the bottom this time). It'll give her more space to grow next season and if Leyla's out of the picture, more of a romance. Although I do think we'll still see Leyla next season no matter what. Even if this is the route they go, surely they'll be some fallout.

And another anon:

Is there anything you want to happen in the New Amsterdam finale? I binged it and liked it, but I noticed that it very much focuses on the medicine. Which makes me really interested for the finale because according to the showrunner they’re giving each character their own mini movie almost, where the audience follows once character for a while during or until the time jump? Not sure which, but I’m excited to see the doctors out of that hospital,(and Leyla out of that apartment lol) finally.

Lol, there's so much I want to see but it seems like it's not even the medicine that'll get the focus but the setup to this little corruption storyline.

I'm not sure how I feel about the mini movie idea, the show's strength (as with all shows) is its characters, and them interacting. So will this be each of the characters mostly isolated, or will they show up in each other's "movie"? I'd be way more okay with the latter, but I'm expecting at most we'll see a few interactions that'll be repeated in each movie to highlight this particular framing.

I'm not sure about the time jump, I haven't really paid too much attention to that, it might be that the movies are in present time, then we get a look at each of them after the time jump at the end? But it could very well be each of them through the whole time jump, one at a time.

And lol, definitely ready to see Leyla doing something outside the apartment.

[adaodinson]

It could be exciting

This is just a little something I came up with, I don´t know if I´ll do a second part. English is not my first language so I apologize now for any mistake.

Summary: You are both insanely shy, but what happens when one of you gets made fun of.

Warnings: Swearing, racism, just Bucky and reader being shy and cute as hell.

Relationships: Bucky x Mexican!Reader (this is for the story, there aren´t many dialogues in Spanish but I put the translation next to the phrases).

He walked through the same streets everyday, he liked that routine and liked knowing what to expect when walking to his usual pub where he enjoyed reading, sometimes drinking and even looking at the people walking by. The one day he had to find a different road to get to the pub was the one day you had settled in your new job at the animal shelter. It had recently opened, so Bucky had never seen it, but when he passed by after changing his usual way because of a sidewalk that was being fixed he stood from across the street watching the cats and dogs (separated by a wall but on the fenced garden). He loved animals, he had never owned one though, but he knew he wasn´t specifically a dog or cat person, he was just an animal person.

You were happily walking downstairs from your small apartment (it was over the shelter since the job also offered the option of renting the place upstairs) heading to the cats´ part of the garden. You were too busy looking for the thin red ribbon you knew the cats loved to play with to notice the metal-armed guy looking at the animals. His heart was already throbbing at the sight of the 8-10 cats either sleeping or chasing each other before he saw you, so when you got there, he only got a new reason to stay for longer watching.

You seemed completely in your element, he couldn´t help smiling to himself (widely). You were seating down in the middle of the grass holding the ribbon in the air, moving it from side to side with all the awaken cats seating in front of you, following the bright red thing that was in your hand. Once you had their attention you started moving it across their faces to annoy them, and then you swept it through the floor to make them follow it. You were giggling like crazy at the things they were all doing: standing in two legs when they couldn´t reach the ribbon, turning in their back and rolling, jumping from side to side and even hitting each other while trying to catch the toy.

If he had been happy at how pretty you were, at how comfortable you seemed around the animals and at the beautiful vibe you gave, when you started playing with the cats, moving playfully and clumsily, rolling on your back just like them, petting them, chasing them and letting them crawl on top of you when you were laying on the ground he regrated not having installed a camera on his metal arm just to be able to look at this moment forever. Your laughter was like music to his ears. I don´t even know her name, Jesus. He thought to himself.

He stayed there for God knows how long, but since he was at the other side of the street you never saw him. Oh but he had seen you, and he had already stablished in his mind the new street he would cross everyday from now on.

A few days went by and he did as he promised, he walked down the same street, and even when you weren´t there, he stayed watching the playful creatures for a while (but his heart ached whenever he realized you weren´t there).

You had finally settled everything in your new apartment, there were no boxes left. You sighed and threw yourself at the couch with a groan. You were about to fall asleep (in a pretty uncomfortable position) when you felt little claws jumping on your butt and settling on your back. You could hear the purr coming from Wolfie (who happened to be quite heavy) and you tried to move, but it was too late, when the cat settles on you, you can´t move. You were falling asleep again when your phone started ringing.

-Ugh tiene que ser broma!!!!- (You gotta be kidding me!!!) You shouted as you felt Wolfie jump off of you and you stood up walking over to the table.

-Hello?- You said.

-Hello?- You repeated slightly annoyed.

-Argh no era nadie- (It was nobody). Since you were already up you decided to go to the library, you could use some silence (yes that goes for Elton, that’s always demanding love) and your friend Dani had recommended you a book recently called “The alien”, so you decided to go and find a place where you could buy the book and also seat and read.

It didn´t take you long to find “The pendulum”, a cafe-library that was four blocks away from the shelter. It was great to know there was such a place so close to your place.

You found the book in no time (it was amazing to see they had a section of books in Spanish) , ordered a black coffee with a teaspoon of sugar and sat down in the most hidden table you could find. You weren´t antisocial, just a huge introvert that could sometimes talk to people easily, but that enjoyed not being disturbed, especially when reading.

You were pretty caught up in your book, but the long-haired guy with deep blue eyes certainly was enough to get your attention. He was insanely handsome, like ridiculously, and he seemed to be happy walking through the aisles of book. You smiled to yourself; sure It was great to get to see cute guys every now and then, but that was always it, you weren´t interested in dating, or more specifically, on initiating a conversation with a stranger. He saw you a couple of minutes after he entered the place and immediately recognized you as the shelter girl. He went to ask a girl that worked at the store for the book he need, she had a bored look on her face that made her seem kind of rude, but you didn’t like making assumptions about people..

Of course she had seen the cute guy and had been wandering around him waiting for him to ask anything so she could flirt, but at the moment he only had eyes for the clumsy and funny girl that worked at the shelter. He was shy, like really shy, he had never considered talking to you, he knew exactly what would happen, but he was happy with being able to see you at the shelter and now at the library. He had been walking around for ten minutes and forgot he was actually looking for a book, so he headed to the first worker he saw.

-Hey, I´m looking for a book called “The other side”, it´s pretty old and I haven´t seen it in any shelf- He asked calmly.

-Hey cutie, come with me, I´ll look for it in the computer- She said while tangling her hair with her fingers and smiling.

She seemed nice (at least when she was flirting), and it was none of your business if she wanted to talk to the guy, or if he wanted to talk too. Normally you didn´t care, sometimes the handsome guys you saw would flirt with other girls, sometimes they would flirt with you, but this time there was something about the blue-eyed that made you want to go and help him. Maybe he just seemed shy, but something told you he was different to the other guys you had seen.

-Let´s see- The girl said while typing- Mmmmm it´s only available for Kindle, if you have one you can buy it there. And if you do, we have a gift card for it of 15 dollars in the purchase of any item from the store that´s over 20 dollars-.

-I´m sorry, what´s a Kindle?- The guy asked shily. Okay, he was cute as hell, you thought. He genuinely seemed to not know, not because he was ignorant, but maybe because he was used to actual books, not electronic.

The girl laughed rudely.

-You really don´t know what a Kindle is? Hahahahahaha from what century are you?- She asked while still laughing. You were in the perfect spot to see his face, and that seemed to really affect him. Now that was something you wouldn´t tolerate, you knew what it was, being made fun of for not knowing things. You quickly stood up resting your book on the table and walked over to them. They were pretty close, so it wasn´t weird that you had heard the conversation.

-Hey- you said angrily to the girl- you enjoy making fun of your clients? I´m sure then you know absolutely everything, right?-.

She looked at you a bit shocked, but mainly pissed.

-Aw you´re defending the cute guy? I´m sure that´s the only reason why he would ever notice you- She answered. Oh she´s messing with the wrong one.

-Unlike you, I don´t care if people notice me, and it´s not my problem if you feel the need of being approved by everyone else. I defend him because you´re being an asshole and I know what´s like to be in his place so unless you want me to get you fired leave him alone or help him find what he is looking for-. You stated.

Bucky was impressed at how clever you were, and he couldn´t help the smile that creeped into his face while looking at you.

-Get me fired? Huh- She laughed- It´s my word against yours-

-It´s your word against hers and mine, I wouldn´t be so confident in keeping your job if I were you- Bucky said with a tone that seemed perfect for the occasion. He looked at you in complicity and winked an eye at you. And to be honest, you almost fucking fainted.

-The client´s always right, plus there are cameras here- Shit! You thought to yourself, just what you needed. The fucking accent. You had a pretty good pronunciation, and with the amount of idiots that saw a threat in latin people you were thankful for that, but on that last phrase the accent came out stronger.

-Oh hahahha, so you´re one of those huh, that should get back to their country, that cant even speak English right because they only speak Mexican- She said in between laughter.

-Hey!- Bucky said angrily- if anyone should get out of here is people like you-. You felt your heart jump in your chest and you turned to him with a thankful smile.

-And wait, did you just say “speak Mexican”? HAHAHAHAH It´s Spanish you idiot, and for your information, there is more that one country in Latinamerica. See, that´s being ignorant and racist, she should feel bad, not you-. You said winking at Bucky. He smiled widely and you could have melted at the sight.

-Ugh whatever, get the hell out before I…- She couldn´t finish, because the manager of the store came from behind a shelf and started talking.

-In the name of our store I apologize sincerely for this. Here is the book you were looking for sir, we do have it, and a card for you miss to get a book, both for free-. He continued to apologize and when he finished, he took the girl to his office. Later you would confirm she got fired. After thanking the manager, you went back to your table, followed by Bucky.

-Thank you so much- He immediately said- Seriously, I don´t know how to thank you for what you did-.

-Thank you too for defending me back, and honestly, for being a nice and smart guy other than a racist idiot-.

-Oh you don´t have to thank me for that- He said quietly as he felt his heart beat faster. You were talking to him, to him, directly to him, you, that amazing girl that even before knowing your name you were already wandering in his mind all the time.

-I´m Y/N btw- You said placing your hand in front of him, for him to shake. You were dying for his touch, even if it´s just a handshake. And he was dying too: your name was beautiful, and he was about to touch YOUR hand.

-James, but you can call me Bucky- He said taking your hand as his mind raced with thoughts of how beautiful, smart, nice, kind you were. This was ridiculous, he would normally not even talk to people and now he wanted to know everything there was to know about you. He wanted to tell you he had recognized you from the shelter but thought it would be weird so instead he did something he had never seen himself doing ever again.

-Mmm, would you like to, I don´t know, mmm, only if you want to and if your free, of course, mmm would you like to…- Seriously, could this guy be any cuter.

-I´d love to go out with you- You said slowly, praying for that to be what he was about to ask. You got your answer when his face lit up in a way you had never seen before. And as a result, you´re face turned to a bright red and got covered with an idiotic smile you didn´t know you had.

-You can put your book in my bag, just remind me I have it- Oh he wouldn´t, it was the perfect excuse to have a guarantee he would see you again.

He handed you the book and opened the door for you. You were both smiling like idiots at each other and started walking. You were so lost in each other that none of you had said where you would go or what you would do. You just walked and thanks to God none of you got run over by a car before you agreed to go to a restaurant that had just opened, it would be exciting to try something new, you both thought before heading out to the place.

[windandwater]

was tagged by @hurricaneoflies whose new url is going to throw me off for the rest of my life, we are both fellow ancient ones from the olden times when you had to pay to change a username and it’s even weirder when one of us does it. yeesh. (fully understand though! and it’s good one!) (although between this and @lies it’s starting to feel like all my tumblr friends are full of lies. who even are you people.)

Instructions are to tag people you want to get to know better or catch up with. I never follow rules. However I did end up I tagging a few people in this post while talking about my answers and they’re welcome to do this if they want, otherwise, as always, do this if you feel like it.

I’m not cutting this because I’m in a particularly rebellious mood idk.

Favorite color: a fact about me is that I don’t like picking favorites of pretty much anything even though I’m pretty solidly in the blue camp for color--still, I’ll go with what I’m into right now, which is that I’m kind of digging bright orange & yellow flowers for summer. I just got some for my main room and I love the way they brighten everything up and just feel kind of glowy.

Currently reading: Oh boy. I just finished a string of books and I’m at a loose end. So here’s some recs: Peter Darling, by Austin Chang, a trans & gay Peter Pan remix, The True Queen, by Zen Cho, a gay followup to Sorcerer to the Crown which has POC main characters and is very good (the plots are exciting and unpredictable in a very refreshing way), Ash by Malinda Lo (bisexual Cinderella), and then I reread the Tiffany Aching Discworld series which I loved even more this time--I was thinking last night that in the Witches books he drew the world of the Witches, and in the Tiffany books he made it sing.

Last song: Rod Stewart - Rhythm of my Heart. Make fun of me all you want but while walking home last light night from visiting @truncated-symphony, it was a nice listen in the dark. (Never will I roam / For I know my place is home / Where the ocean meets the sky, I’ll be sailin’)

Last movie: I haven’t been able to focus on many movies since the pandemic started so I think the last time I watched a movie was spontaneously watching Winter Soldier again with @brightontheoutside because she was talking about it as she watched and I was like fuck I love that movie I’m watching it with you. I know it’s a boring answer but I really really haven’t been able to watch a movie in any real way for over a year. Also it was so nice to watch it with her even digitally and without seeing her face or hearing her voice. I miss my frieeeeends.

Last series: I think this means TV? It’s been even longer since I’ve been able to watch TV, since before the pandemic. Somewhere along the way my attention span for it just snapped in half. I’ve really just been watching youtube. So! I’ve been watching a playthrough of Resident Evil: Village which is wild if you know me, I hate the horror genre, but for some reason this doesn’t apply to games? Especially when men play them? I like male fear. And when people are making sarcastic jokes while bad shit happens. I also have a soft spot for fantasy horor. So it’s extremely fucked up but I get why y’all are gay for the tall vampire lady. mad respect.

Sweet, spicy, or flavory: uh, all of the above. I have a hell of a sweet tooth but I wouldn’t say no to any of those. Spicy food has to be flavorful though and not just pure pain.

Tea or coffee: Do these surveys ever come up with more interesting questions? As usual: I don’t drink coffee, so yes, this is the only time I’ll pick. I drink herbal teas because I can’t have caffeine, it fucks with my anxiety and the anxiety drugs I’m on. I prefer fruity teas & hibiscus but I’ll try just about anything.

Currently working on: I’ll answer this like Jess did! Professionally, I am working on making some ebooks that I can’t tell you about because it would reveal exactly where I work but they’re both going to be beautiful when they’re done. I really wish I could say because I would love to tell people to buy at least one of them, I cried really hard while making it (because it’s so complicated, design-wise, I ended up basically reading it) for multiple reasons. If that makes you curious and you know me in real life, feel free to message me and ask--I just don’t want to say publicly!!

Personally, for fandom/the internet I am STILL working on my beast of a Legolas/Gimli fic. I had wind under my sails when I was still reading LotR (part of the reason I dragged my feet reading it was so I could keep writing) but when I finished I got a little stuck. I’m at the part where they’re reunited with Merry & Pippin and I’m working on Gimli’s POV of that scene but I haven’t cracked how I’m going to approach it. I need to think on a bit and I just haven’t yet.

For my real life, I’m also working on a long-term project (that wasn’t meant to be long-term! argh!) of removing the stain and re-staining a table that I’ve had since I was a kid. It was stained white because I wanted white furniture in my pink room but I’m A Grownup Now and the table was all dinged and dented and needs to be a new, less dingy color, that brings out the wood grain better. (White stain does not look good--if you want white, use paint. imo.) Also going to put a polyurethane protective coat on there so it doesn’t dent so bad in the future, the wood seems to be very soft and this table is definitely a working table that holds my internet router among other things. I finally got all or most of the stain off (after probably 2 years, I refuse to look up how long it actually took) (removing stain is REALLY hard) and I’m moving on to finer grain sandpaper at last. I’m both terrified and excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and get to actually stain this thing--part of me definitely wants to be like “well there’s a spot of white stain here in the crevice of this joint no one will see better get it out and take another week” just to avoid making any permanent changes I can’t undo.

[concealeddarkness13]

WHG 15 Imposter Syndrome Part 11

This is during day 4! Tagging: @sparkles-and-hens, @knmartinshouldbewriting, @maple-writes (also thanks for Volt!), @pen-of-roses (also thanks for Reine!), @thoughts-of-nora, and @ratracechronicler (also thanks for Hugo!)!

I ran the whole way until I found Reine climbing down from a tree. I skidded to a halt and took a second to catch my breath before I spoke. “Something—something happened. I think my crew is compromised.”

She froze. Shit. I completely screwed it up, didn’t I? “Compromised? Are you sure?”

“They haven’t sent a parachute. They’re probably captured. Or at least my mentor is. I’m—I’m sorry.” Shit. I was crying. I looked away from her and quickly wiped the tears away.

“Alright. Alright. Goodness! No, no we can still…why would your mentor be captured?” She shook her head, muttering to herself. “Or rather do you think they know about a plan to escape? And that’s why?”

“My mentor…I helped hide her from a Capitol official who wanted to use her. The problem is, she had to go back to be a mentor, and the Capitol official still wants her. I had already decided that we wouldn’t lose her to save the mission. So, the whole crew might have been captured as well. I don’t think they know about the plan.”

She nodded. “That’s…not good, that’s not the right word. Oh forget it. We’ll need to adjust some stuff slightly, but. I think…we can still get everyone out? The weak spot is still there, and oh, and there’s a cave that goes pretty far and the cameras only extend so far and most of those were already knocked out.” She leaned against a tree and didn’t seem to be talking to me. Still, I had to help to make up for what happened. “I hope this isn’t his fault. He couldn’t have learned anything about that, didn’t have the time. Right?”

I kept looking at the ground as tears kept threatening to spill out of my eyes. “No. It’s my fault. I’m sorry. I didn’t have a good enough plan. I put everyone in danger because I wanted to do this. I should have prepared more. I should have…” My voice cracked, and I shut up as I wiped away more fucking tears.

“Hey! No, don’t think that,” Reine said roughly. “If anything you probably prepared as much as you could given the circumstances.” Couldn’t agree with that. “And at the very least you wanted to save and help people which speaks far more to your character than many hu-people I’ve met in the past. This could be a number of reasons, a hundred come to my mind on my end alone.”

She was sweet, trying to make me feel better. I took a deep breath and nodded, not really meaning it. “What do I need to do to help fix this?”

She took a deep breath too. “We’ll need to get out as many trackers as possible more quickly now, and start getting people to safety. There’s the cave, I hope it’ll be enough, but it’s not far from the weak spot. And stay alive, as always. Past that, we just keep adapting. That part never really ends sadly. And I think,” She winced. “One of us needs to be near the end of getting the trackers out. Meaning we’re close to the last so we can stay as visible as possible until we don’t have much more of a choice?”

I nodded. It would make sense for me to do it. I fucked this all up anyway. “I’ll do it. And I won’t fuck it up this time.”

“You didn’t the first time. But alright, when I see an opportunity, I’ll take mine out. We’ll do this alright?” She hesitated and then patted my shoulder and tried to smile. I just nodded and left. She probably didn’t want to look at me any more than she had to right now.

*

So, to get my mind off my crew and everything going wrong, I set my sights on smashing as many cameras as I could today. I was just finishing up a nice, perfect radius when I heard voices. A smile tugged at my lips when I recognized them. Volt and Atwater. Time to distract myself some more.

I pulled out my token and uncollapsed the collapsible hat, putting it on my head for a grand entrance. I could pretend everything was fine. Uncle Graem taught me how.

I got within hearing distance in time to hear Volt speak. “Sponsor. An old client of mine. I thought she’d be pleased to watch me die but seems like she may have had a change of heart for some reason or another. Don’t know how long that’s going to last though.”

She had to be talking about Indigo Carmine. In the information I had found on her, Volt had been mentioned. Before I could make a comment about that, though, Atwater spoke. “Depends on whether the donor heart was a good match, usually.”

Shit. He was way too clever. A laugh escaped my lips, and I forced myself to walk forward. They would have already heard me anyway. I smiled at both of them, my eyes lingering on Volt. “Oh, you must be talking about Indigo Carmine.” Atwater just stared at my hat.

Volt didn’t seem to be pleased with my sudden entrance. She jumped and whirled toward me in an obvious attack stance, but she stopped herself. “How do you know that?”

I smirked. “An information specialist let me know all the juicy details of Dear Ms. Indigo’s past.” I paused. “Anyway, how are both of you doing?”

Volt paused before leaning back against a tree with the longest of sighs. “I’ve been better to put it briefly.”

Atwater took a step back away from me. Rude. “You know…this’s the second time you’ve conveniently stepped in on one of my conversations here in the Arena. What gives? I’m just trying to get by, and you keep making it complicated. For what? Huh?”

I missed these two so much! I winked at him. “Because I just love your company so much! And hey, if you want to get rid of me, you could join the escape group, and I won’t bother you again.”

“I think the nature of the request logically means we have to be around each other more and you get more opportunities to bother me. You don’t even know me. I’m just the jerk that goes around messing things up. How did you even know I’ve been busting out cameras around here? Or d’you just think you can go around talking about escape and the Gamemakers won’t send in the acid rain to shut you up? Argh…” He looked between me and Volt. “What’re you gonna do?” Towards Volt. “Join her or what?”

I grinned. “What a coincidence! I, too, was destroying cameras around here! They can’t hear anything we say. And maybe I wouldn’t bother you if you joined!”

Volt just closed her eyes with a groan. There were bags under her eyes. “At the very least it seems she’s done some research.” She glanced over at Atwater. “I don’t know what to believe, but since we seem to be together yet again it might not hurt to stick together. See what happens.”

He stared at the water bottle in his hand. “I’ve never believed in anything. And look where that’s got me.” He looked up at me and squared his shoulders. Oh boy! “You’re a little bit…much.” Understandable. “But you remind me of someone I eventually got to tolerate. That didn’t come out great. The point is, I want out of here. I’ve got places I still want to see. I’ve got ideas. Bad ones. I…can maybe help. Anyway, if she thinks it’s a halfway decent idea…Well, I don’t know if I can trust anyone, but I trust her judgment. This could be a trap, but so could anything.” He spread his arms. “Ya got me. Now what?”

Oh shit. I was going to cry again. The first friends I had made of the tributes, and they were finally joining me. Reine could get them all out, and I…well, I could be considered just baggage. But for some reason, they actually believed me. I wouldn’t let anything happen to them. I grinned and hugged both of them. They both just kind of stood there, and I mentally noted that they probably didn’t like hugs, so I stopped quickly. “I’m so glad! Come on! I’ll show you to the camp. Don’t worry. We’ve already smashed all the cameras around there too.”

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Episode 10

Confession time: I don’t like Xue Yang. I appreciate him for all his villain-y villain-ness, but I don’t like the character. I find him kind of annoying in this series, because they just have him so over-the-top nasty all the time. He’s like a caricature of a person. Granted, I haven’t watched the Yi City arc, because, as I think I said before, I read it and once was enough. So the other thing that kind of bothers me here is that we have two villains vying for screen time: Xue Yang and Wen Chao (Wen Chao obviously gets more)—and I guess it’s a bit much. Like, it’s not enough that Wen Chao is on their heels, trying to get the Yin Iron from them, so we need to add this scene where they watch someone else fight Xue Yang. That’s another thing that’s kind of goofy. Why put Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian, and Lan Wangji in this scene at all when they barely do anything? Wei Wuxian uses Binding/Bonding to stop Xue Yang from getting away, but that’s the only real contribution.

See? This is what they do for the first ten minutes of the episode. This could have been told to them or shown in a flashback easily. Easily. There’s other things we see in flashbacks that are arguably more important than this capturing of Xue Yang and introduction to Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. With a lot of things, I’m like, if it was good enough in the book, then it’s good enough in CQL. At a certain point, I have to wonder if they just felt like they needed a fight scene in every episode. Director/writers were like, we gave you that scene with the chicken, now let’s get back to the action scenes! This is my personal preference, but I don’t mind being told some things, versus being shown everything. Like, it’s okay to hide some things from the audience so that they payoff is better at the time its revealed. (I will be forever bitter about how the headband meaning was revealed right away—that was such a great moment in the book, and I feel like CQL robbed the audience of that).

I feel like this is the only part in the whole series where they hint at anyone being gay, and it comes in the form of Xue Yang accusing Wei Ying of touching him inappropriately (basically, I’m not going back to check the subtitles). It would have been funny for Wei Ying to kind of play along with that, but censorship (rip)—I do like his line about how no one can best him in being cheeky, though.

I’ve never been happier to see Nie Huaisang, because that means we’re finally moving on to something else. Woohoo! Let’s go to Qinghe!

I like here how the distinction is made between people who are in clans and people who aren’t. I also like the set-up of how WangXian is similar to Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan: we cultivate together because we have similar goals and ethics, and that they are respected doing that.

And it’s interesting how Jiang Cheng says how it’s an honor to meet those two, but when Wei Wuxian says that he and Lan Wangji went on a night hunt for the same reasons, Jiang Cheng scorns them. He implies such a thing is enough to not let him back into Lotus Cove. I guess he doesn’t extend that same courtesy to Wei Wuxian, which is not surprising. I really like Jiang Cheng as a character, but he struggles with having good relationships. His interpersonal skills aren’t great. I mean, just look at him at the end—irreconcilable damage has been done to his relationship with Wei Wuxian. Can they be civil to each other? Of course! Do I think they’re really ever going to be friends and brothers again? I sincerely doubt it. And this isn’t all Jiang Cheng’s fault or anything; I think it’s mutual, and both of them parted on good terms, but the understanding is that they may never cross paths again. Honestly, that’s what I like about Jiang Cheng—I like that he’s complicated and is stubborn and his pride is important to him; I like that he’s jealous and will hold a grudge forever—that’s what makes him interesting to me. And I love the theme that choices were made, and you can’t go back to how things were. I love that this series/book shows that blood isn’t thicker than water, that sometimes it isn’t enough just to be family—that there are things that can destroy those kinds of bonds, but that that isn’t the end. You can start over—and if anyone gets to start over, it’s certainly Wei Wuxian. Went off on a tangent there, sorry.

I like how much they act like friends here. It’s just so relaxed, so intimate. Just the two of them, because all the others have walked away, including Jiang Cheng. If I didn’t know the story, I’d be wondering why it seemed like Wei Wuxian is closer to Lan Wangji than Jiang Cheng. Jiang Cheng scoffs at him, while Lan Wangji embraces Wei Wuxian’s words, and he’s only known him six months or so. It’s quite telling. I’m glad I’m rewatching this, because there are so many moments I’ve forgotten about that are really nice (I’ve watched the special edition cut about twice, and a lot is cut out, as you know).

Another moment I forgot about: Wei Wuxian standing up for Xue Yang. Not, of course, because he thinks he’s a good man, but because he doesn’t think they should execute a man when they don’t have all the facts. I like the contrast between his way of thinking and Nie Mingjue’s, who is quick to anger, stressed out, and ready to take everything out on Xue Yang. It’s understandable that he wants to just end Xue Yang, considering the threats from the Wen Clan, plus word on the street is that Xue Yang murdered an entire clan, albeit a small one. Nie Mingjue is worried about his own clan, not to mention the Gusu Lan Clan, who he specifically asks about when greeting Lan Wangji. He feels the impending threat from the Wen Clan and he’s not about to take it lying down.

And then you have Wei Wuxian defending a man who in his eyes is innocent until proven guilty. Like I said earlier, I think they all know Xue Yang murdered all those people, but I do like the fact that Wei Wuxian tries to push Nie Mingjue into making a more reasonable choice: waiting until they have all the facts. It’s a nice foreshadowing of what’s to come with Wei Wuxian himself, where most people aren’t willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Look at that smile! aldslkf

Okay, so first Lan Wangji hears something on his roof, so he grabs Bichen and prepares for a fight. Then he hears Wei Wuxian mumbling drunkenly about how the tiles are rougher in Qinghe than in Gusu, and that little smile forms on his lips. It’s so quick—blink and you’ll miss it. His expression is so soft, so warm, so gentle. Think about this—six months ago, he would have leapt on that roof to go fight Wei Wuxian, and now his reaction is this honeyed smile, reserved at this point only for Wei Wuxian. I mean, have you seen him smile for anyone else? Okay, fine—he smiled at the rabbits too. So the great Lan Wangji only smiles for bunnies and Wei Wuxian.

And I think he really regrets leaving like this. They’ve built up this relationship—this rapport—with one another, and Lan Wangji ends up leaving in the night, basically without a word. Wei Wuxian is too drunk to even know he’s there (if I’m not mistaken, Wei Wuxian calls for him, thinking that’s he’s still inside). Lan Wangji doesn’t know what’s ahead—everything is uncertain: the Wen Clan has ordered all major clans to send one inner disciple to be indoctrinated immediately, there is the issue of the Yin Iron (and Lan Wangji still has a piece of it), not to mention people like Xue Yang who might be roaming around causing trouble on the Wens’ behalf. Lan Wangji is certainly fearful for his home and his people, worried about the Yin Iron going to the wrong hands, likely worried about Wei Wuxian just in general, and regretting leaving him high and dry. This is such a sad moment, and maybe it’s just me feeling that way. It always leaves me with a lump in my throat. I also think it mirrors a later scene where Lan Wangji is on the roof and Wei Wuxian is leaving.

Also that fucking wangxian.mp3 playing in the background for this whole part—of course I’m going to get emotional!

Perfect response: Wasn’t me!

I mean, couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy, though. The captain was such an asshole, and I don’t blame Jin Guangyao one bit for what he did. That man emotionally and verbally abused him I’m sure on a daily basis. Not saying that murder is the answer to your problems, but in this made-up fantasy world that is CQL/MDZS, that guy fucking deserved it.

I also like how even though Nie Mingjue is super pissed and upset by what Jin Guangyao did, he still catches him when he gets run through, and he’s absolutely torn up about banishing him. It’s pretty powerful when it cuts back to him in his idk throne room (whatever you’d call that, I know it’s not a throne room, whatever) and everything is smashed up. Like, this man is enraged. The last thing he wanted to do was banish Jin Guangyao, but he had to. He couldn’t keep a man like that around. Jin Guangyao, by murdering the captain, had lost Nie Mingjue’s trust. Not to mention, who let Xue Yang out? Was it Jin Guangyao? Nie Mingjue doesn’t know; in his mind, Jin Guangyao could have been responsible for that too.

So, I actually really don’t like this. Wen Chao has already spilled the beans on the “evil Gusu Lan Clan” earlier, implying that they did, in fact, stand up to the Wens, and now he says outright that they sent forces to Gusu to burn the place to the ground. I hate that they tell us this! It’s so much better in the book when you don’t know what’s going on until Wei Wuxian finds out at the indoctrination! This is one of the most annoying things about Untamed—they spoil all the big secrets right away. In the book, the big secrets hit so much better when they’re finally revealed. It’s honestly a great feeling that the payoff is so good. Watching Untamed, I was just like, what?! Don’t tell them yet! Like the headband?! Argh!! Yes, we got that one good scene, but I would have traded that for what happens in the book (of course, the whole being tied up with the headband probably wouldn’t have made it into the tv series…). [NB: I laughed when I was reading over this again and saw that I’d already brought up the headband. Sore spot lol.]

But also, does Wei Wuxian not look worried enough here or is it just me? I feel like he should be more concerned. Even though he has the utmost confidence in Lan Wangji’s skill, he’s just one young man up against a huge force from the Wen Clan.

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker CH36

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 4, 208

- Author Note: Purely yoongi and seul moment XD

Previous | Next

Chapter 36

Unexpected call from Mrs Hwang few minutes ago caused Yoongi to drop everything that he did right way. Seul’s life way more than important than his unfinished songs, when he left his studio in hurry Namjoon threw the older guy a questioning look.

“Hyung..where-“ “I will explain to you later” Yoongi disappeared into thin air giving him no time to process. Confused, the tall guy returned to his studio in complete silence. Yoongi is a man, he knew how to take care of himself and not to get into trouble. Namjoon assured himself with his little pep talk to ease the uneasiness in him.

Wandering cluelessly around the city was Yoongi, trying to figure out Seul’s whereabouts. Clutching onto his phone tight, this would be his 20th attempt to reach her yet it brought him to voice mail. This unspeakable worries that he had at the moment was killing him softly.

‘Seul, where are you’ he looked down into the dark street. Hearing Seul’s health history from her mother scared him to death, he couldn’t imagine what will happen to her if he delayed the search even for a minute.

After thirty minutes searching her neighbourhood, Yoongi received a text from what seemed to be from Mrs Hwang. His eyes glimmered with hope upon reading the text, ‘Okay, her favourite place to chill. Hill’ he blinked in dazed.

‘Wait, hill? Do they have hill here?’ Yoongi scanned the area, taking in every movement until his eyes noticed a small alley between two tall buildings which will lead him somewhere. At least, he’s one step closer in finding Seul. His main priority was to bring that girl back safe and sound without any scratches.

Even though Yoongi was sceptical by his own choice, however he followed his heart and walk through the dark alley without much thought. The small board near the bench with an arrow and “To Signal Hill” really saved the day. His smile found its way back on his sullen face and now all he had to do was to find any sign of Seul there.

Following the path, he made sure his steps were slow just in case Seul was somewhere around the area. He spent 15 more minutes to reach the peak, and to his utter astonishment he didn’t see even a strand of Seul’s hair. Yoongi refused to give up so he resumed his search until he saw the dead end. Considering there were no one around, it spooked him a little to know a lady like Seul could be roaming around this area alone.

His ears perked up at the sound of inaudible murmur few metres from him, therefore he picked up the pace anxious to see what awaits him. The voice resembled a whiny young lady brought his attention to a familiar figure that stood wobbly on the big rock, which seemed can fit one human legs but due to her small size she could fit both legs there. Yet, it was risky as hell.

The girl screamed at the top of her lungs and bended over as she tried to balance herself on top of the slippery rock. His eyes widened in pure horror “JI SEUL? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING” he sprinted towards her angrily, grabbing the girl’s waist causing her to squeal at the sudden movement.

Seul clung onto him for her dear life “What the-“she didn’t need to see the owner of the voice because Seul could smell his expensive cologne. It was Min Yoongi, there’s no doubt. He tightened his grip around her waist, carrying her bridal style and started walking away from the dangerous cliff to another side of the empty area.

Setting her down carefully, Yoongi flew into a rage “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? ARE YOU CRAZY? THAT IS NOT GOING TO SOLVE PROBLEM? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GIVE ME A CALL, SO I CAN HELP YOU. MY GOODNESS YOU ARE AN IDIOT SEUL!” he pushed his face into hers so suddenly that she shrank back, hiding her head like a turtle, afraid by his outburst. It took her by surprise.

A muscle twitched under his eye and he grinded his teeth out of anger, his fiery eyes looked deadly dangerous. Not to mention, he was breathing heavily, and she could see a visible flush on his porcelain skin.

Yoongi straightened himself, rubbing the back of his hair angrily “I…” she gulped in fear. He glowered upon hearing Seul’s timid voice, she looked up at him with her eyes slightly enlarged as she continued “I don’t think I need your help to find my missing necklace. It is not a big deal. Why are you yelling at me?” Seul had a dumbfounded look on her face.

“Wait-what? You are looking for what?” he was slightly annoyed by the fact that he had jumped into conclusion before asking the frightened girl the truth. The image of Seul stood on the rock and was about to roll down the cliff clouded his judgement.  

Her forehead creased into a deep frown, “You are looking for your necklace so you’re not trying to jump off the cliff and commit suicide?” Yoongi eyed glued on her trying to find the lies beneath those innocent eyes.

“What?! Are you crazy? Why would I jump off the cliff?” she shrieked in disbelief.

“So you are not trying to kill yourself?” relieved by her answers, he steadied his breathing and let out a loud sigh.

“YES!”

“I don’t think a sane person would stand on those rock for a stupid necklace! You could get hurt!”

“I dropped it on the ground, but I couldn’t see it, so I assumed it might roll off somewhere down there. Goodness, you are overreacting Min Suga!” Seul rolled her eyes. “For your information, it is not just a stupid necklace, that is a present from Jiminie” to call the precious gift from Jimin stupid offended her.

Yoongi scoffed at the idea of a gift from Jimin way more important than her life. “Yah, since when Jimin’s present is more important than your own life? Now you go all way to sacrifice your life for him, way to go Ji Seul!” he noted sarcastically.

“I will go all length to take the bullet from him one day, so what?” defensive, she crossed her arms mentally judging the man before her. She wondered how he ended up there and making an unnecessary scene which could blow up the whole place.

He inhaled a sharp breath before inquiring Seul about her sudden disappearance, “Where were you? Your mother is looking for you” he raised one of his brows with threatening look.

“So, mother sends you as an errand boy to check me whether I am alive or not?”

“Ya! I am not your errand boy. You- Ugh… where did you go? Goddamit, stop talk back woman. Just answer my question, will you?” frustrated by Seul demeanour, he let out a small grunt indicating his dissatisfaction.

“Here and there. What else mother tells you?” she asked without even bother to put much emotion in it. If Yoongi is aware about her condition, that will complicate things between them. She didn’t want to appear weak in front of a guy that she liked.

Did she just that out loud? A guy that she likes.

“I am sure that still doesn’t answer my question. Where is here and there? And your mother tells me everything. Drop that attitude, we have a lot to talk about” Seul stomped her feet a little out of annoyance causing the latter to hold back his tongue from laughing at her cuteness.

Through her clenched teeth, she responded angrily “Here and there means away from nosy people like you! Argh, trust me I don’t have anything to say to you, just go” she told him to leave her alone but the small voice in her head said something else. She wanted him to stay, to savour his warmness around her, she needed someone she can trust by her side.

“I am not moving, so what are you going to do about it?” Yoongi was adamant that he’s not leaving Seul alone until they talk. “Didn’t I warn you to stop talk back? Or I will have no choice but to kiss you” a playful smirk could be seen across his lips.

“Min friggin Yoongi! You are not threatening me with your sloppy kiss! If you are not moving, then I will make my move now. Goodbye” she shot a nasty glare at his way and started to walk away. Though part of her was calling for Yoongi to go after her, she didn’t dare to say it aloud. Why was she fighting with the demon inside her?

“Fuck. This woman!” he groaned lowly.

Alarmed by Seul’s movement, he hurriedly catch up on her, grabbing her arms turning the furious lady to face him “Please…just this one.. Give me a chance, talk to me” his cockiness and stubbornness earlier disappeared instantly. He’s pleading with his genuine eyes, even Seul could feel his desperation through his touch.

Seul blinked and unsure with herself. It was no doubt that part of her wanted him to stay but why was it so difficult for her to say it aloud? She wanted to ask how far he knew about her condition? If her mother decided to open her mouth, it could be everything right? Judging by Yoongi’s bipolar mood, he seemed to know everything.

“It is better to be alone. I don’t need your help”

“Why?”

She averted her gaze “Because no one can hurt me that way. And, you will never understand the hell feel inside my head, Yoongi” sighing with deep regret, Seul didn’t feel like talking about her own pain. Opening her wounds would only make her weak.

“Seul.. allow me to help you, don’t close yourself. Even you refuse my help, I will not let you go” he moved his hand along her arms making her shudder under his soft touch. Interlacing their hand together, she looked down at their intertwined hand and a rush of sadness embraced her fragile heart.

Could Yoongi heal her?

Was his presence enough to wash away the sadness and worries in her?

There was an eerie silence between them, it just made Yoongi scared of what might come from Seul. She could be predictable sometimes but with this unstable emotion, he could easily be pushed away by her. Contrary to his assumption, he was surprised to see her moving her up and down weakly as giving her permission for Yoongi to help her.

Smiling warmly, he gave her a soft squish as an assurance “Lets go” he whispered.

“Where are we going?”

“To my studio. There is something that I want to show you” tugging Seul behind him, they walked hand in hand returning back to his studio.

 ---------------

Entering Suga’s Genius Lab it amused her to see the place for the first time. It was different from the one that Suga had back in their dorm, it looked massive here with more equipment. She saw a professional keyboard at the corner of the room, and the studio itself gave off Yoongi usual manly scent. The smell itself floated in the air tickled her heart.

Closing the door behind him, he made his way to his leather seat, taking a seat on the swivel chair. Seeing the swivel chair moved brought back the vivid memory that she had with Yoongi. Her face turned pink as she quickly cupped both of her cheeks to get rid of the evident. He glanced over his shoulder taking the image of nervous Seul in front of him then it dawned on him she was reminiscing the sexy night that they shared.

Pushing the thought out from his memory, it was still fresh and clear. He couldn’t simply forget their intimacy. Smirking teasingly, he took her hand in his “Something that triggers your memory?” Seul coughed softly easing the awkwardness between them.

“W..hat do you mean by that?” she stammered.

“You are bad at lying, come on let’s get this done. So where do you want to sit? On my lap or on the floor?” he teased.

“Floor” Seul answered without any hesitation though she was seen blushing madly at the idea of sitting on his lap again. The last time she did that, they ended up ravishing each other lips. No in a million ways she let that happen again. Well, for now since she hasn’t really decided after she made up her mind about Jungkook whether she should choose Yoongi.

Lifting his eyebrows in amusement, he gave her that mischievous grin he was known for. “Really? But I can’t dirty my floor, so I would rather have you on my lap” he whisked her into his arms, settling her onto his lap.

The girl froze for few seconds before struggling, but he had locked his arm around her waist “Stay still, you are rubbing me woman” for some reason, his remark got her body stopped functioning momentarily. Her whole body was overflowing with electricity.

“Yo-u per-vert!” she slapped his chest lightly earning a low chuckle from the latter.

“If you don’t want to find anything poking you from below, behave yourself” Seul gasped at his remarks leaving her no choice but to pout in her seat. She made a mental note to make herself felt at home and acted normal.

Yoongi held back his laugh, as he reached out to turn on his computer. Seul’s eye lit up in excitement watching the equipment worked in front of her, more like watching Yoongi’s arms stretched out with her in between doing his thing made him ten times hotter. She was admiring the visible vein popped out on his porcelain skin.

Chewing her lips to halt herself from squealing over the image, she blinked her eyes few times and gathered her thought together.  “Alright, I am working on this song. It is for my future mixtape. I want you to listen to it” his gruffy voice sounded hotter since his attention was on the list of the songs on the screen.

He licked his lower lips out of habit, plugging the headphone before putting it over her head. “Give this song a chance, just three minutes alright?” his faint whisper over the headphone was still clear even though it covered her ears completely.

A mere murmur, all she was capable of “Okay, since you are ready” he pushed the green button and a mixture of soft beat blasted through the headphones. Yoongi leaned back in his seat, as he stroked his thumb over Seul’s waist. Scrutinizing her face, he watched her distressed face faded away and it soon replaced by a calm smile evident at the corner of her lips.

For some reason, Yoongi felt proud of his masterpiece and by far one of the best songs that he produced this year. He was taken off guard when Seul started to hum to the melody, tapping her fingers on the table with her eyes close. She looked as calm and serene in comparison to an hour ago.

Her lips curled into a cute smile as he drowns himself into the breath-taking view in front of her. The melody started to fade away and followed by Yoongi’s deep voice. He had rapped the song with all his heart and basically filling the emptiness inside her through the emotions that he expressed from the song. The lyric was so meaningful as it defined his own struggle in life.

Opening her eyes slowly, she was surprised to see Yoongi’s face who few inches away from her. His hot breathing fanned her cold skin, giving Seul a hard time to breathe properly. Yoongi smiled genuinely, pressing his forehead against her as the tip of their nose brushed.

Her small hand was clutching onto his back shirt seeking for his warmth. Her heart pounded furiously against her chest, and it doubled when his eyes bore into hers “How was it?” Yoongi mumbled. Caressing her cheeks lovingly, she exhaled a soft sigh enjoying this rare moment that she had with him.

“Amazing as always. The lyrics and the melody comforted me, how did you do that?” his eyes turned into crescent moon as he broke into his usual gummy smile weakening the bones inside her body.

“Honesty. The recipe of the song is honesty. I am expressing my worries and problems via the lyric. It helps me to get over the weird thought circulating inside my brain, so I can remain positive and strong” his short and simple justification touched Seul’s heart.

He continued “When I was diagnosed with depression I thought it was the end of it. I couldn’t think straight, and everything seemed ambiguous. I doubted everything and people around me. For once I thought to put me out of this misery, I must disappear from this world. I was wrong Seul-ah. I was very concerned over my look, and it made me hate myself. I wanted to become happy and strong but why am I getting weaker? Where am I heading to? Yeah, I am heading to that one place, but I will end up here again. Then I inquired myself, is there an end to this maze? My head was a total mess, it was clouded with rage and hate” she flinched, absorbing Yoongi’s pain.

She studied his stoic profile anxiously. Even though his face was hard, he remained stoic, yet she felt his concern. Yoongi resumed, stroking Seul’s flush cheeks with the back of his hand “I sought help from people and I worked hard for my mixtape. I found a way to express my rage through song writing, and I was relieved to tell all the stories that were in my heart. That is how you suppose to channel your frustration and worries, not by keeping it to yourself. I know you have a lot of things in your mind right now Seul. I want you to know, you have your mother, Hoon, your friends, BTS and most importantly me” her eyes watered.

“If you give me a chance to help you through this difficult time, allow me to stay by your side Seul. That is all I wish for” she stared at him with mixed emotion. The tip of his nose rubbed against hers, as he savoured this moment with her.

She was swayed by his words, and she let him to steal her heart away. Everything that Yoongi said was too beautiful and he never failed to amaze her. The fact that she was healed previously because of the songs that he produced, Seul found herself was falling deeply with this man. Was she really?

“Yoongi…” she called out softly almost inaudible for him, but he managed to catch the phrase coming out from her clearly just because she’s Ji Seul. The queen of his heart.

“When I wake up the next morning, I don’t want to live in fear. I want to be free from this pain with you by my side” her small hand made its way to his cheek, tracing it ever so slowly.

That answer was enough to put colour to his dull heart, she gave her trust to him, hence he would guard it close to his heart. “I will be by your side for the next ten seconds, minutes, hours and if it is possible eternity” he kissed the tip of her nose.

“Thank you..for not giving up on me” caressing his jaw softly giving it a butterfly touch, she kissed the corner of his mouth. Her kisses trailed off to his lips, as she leaned down a little to properly latch her lips over his tenderly.

Though he’s surprised by her bold gesture, knowing Seul had never initiated the kiss first before, Yoongi brought her head down to him, deepening their butterfly kisses to a real one. This time he poured more emotion into his action.

Smiling between kisses, he stroked her hair and embraced the girl close to him. Gently holding onto each other, they stayed glue to each other in this way for some minutes. They savoured every moment in each other’s company.

 Yoongi and Seul were now laying on the couch face to face, having their heart-to-heart talk. Yoongi was a great listener as he listened attentively to Seul’s story even though he already got the slight idea about her past from Mrs Hwang. He was glad that Seul wanted to go into details and told him everything. It was the first step to heal herself.

During the conversation, his arms were wrapped securely around her torso, only leaving the small space for him to watch her pretty face while she did the talking. Yoongi didn’t want to trade this night with others and wished they could stay like this for as long as they wanted.

“You are a strong girl; do you realize that? Even though you can be annoyingly stubborn sometimes, but I can tame you. I have less worry on that” he pursed his lips into a small pout.

“Basically, you are saying no one can tame Ji Seul like Min Yoongi did?” she cringed at the cheesiness though it sounded lowkey good to her. Seul just couldn’t get over the cringey feeling that she obtained from this man.

“It doesn’t sound bad at all, I like me. I like us” Yoongi enveloped her into a tight hug, which almost suffocate the latter. However, she soon found herself liking the closeness and threw her arm around his waist, returning the same passion.

The sound of his heart beating was so calming, she was convinced that Yoongi’s presence brought happiness to her life. Why she only realized it now?  “You can be so cheesy sometimes and very bipolar. One second you are yelling at me and not long after that you turn into a total pervert. Then, look at you now, acting all romantic and cheesy” she scrunched her nose, feeling confused.

“I am not acting romantic. Because I am born to be romantic” he sassed.

“Be careful Yoongs, you sound like Jin”

“I am nowhere near him, don’t compare me to him!”

“Right. But, you are so full of yourself”

“I am being truthful with you, that is all matter. Which means you are special to me. Very special” he kissed the top of her head, humming a soft melody from one of his mixtape. Yes, out of the blue, but she noticed that habit of his ever since their intimate moment.

It was cute anyways, his rough and raspy voice made it extremely homey.

“About the song that you listened a moment ago. I wanted you to have it” Seul looked up to meet his gaze, finding some sort of confirmation to what she just heard a minute ago. His eyes were genuine with no hint of jokes.

“Yoongi, that song is amazing. You should include it in your future mixtape. I am sure it will get a lot of love from Armys” she shook her head in refusal. As much as she loved the song considering the comfort that she gained from it, Seul did not want Yoongi to put her above his career and Armys.

Yoongi pushed her slightly higher, to close the gap between them. He smiled “I want you to have it. The song is special as it helps me to curb my loneliness and settle some issues in me. So, I want to make it special. Only both of us have the access to it” her eyes were brimming with tears and within a second she let it fall startling the rapper.

“Why are you crying? I am sorry baby if you feel it is too much-“ a soft lips brushed against his that didn’t really give him time to process. She pulled away with a teary smile “You did nothing to apologize. Instead, I should apologize to you. I only receive but I don’t have the chance to give back. It makes me feel bad” said Seul bitterly.

“Don’t be nonsense. I want you to promise me that you will come straight to me if you have problems and stay by my side. Can you do that?” his smile was addictive. It lured you to explore the deepest core of his heart.

She sniffed a little and nuzzled their face together “I promise” he hummed happily. “But can you promise me one thing too?” amused, he nodded signalling her to continue her words.

“Urm...Can you stop smoking?” eyeing the girl with suspicious, he frowned.

“I only smoke when I am stressed out. You happen to run into me when I am having that moment”

Seul glowered “Smoking can kill. I don’t want you to smoke. If you are stress talk to me, please promise me that?” he heaved a deep sigh before nodded in agreement. She cheered happily, burying her face at the crook of his neck. “Thank you” her softness melted his heart.

“Seul, you are driving me insane. I don’t want to let you go ever” he muttered with determination. He’ll keep his words till the end.

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