#I miss when I wasn’t so aware of all my health problems

[lttl3babybug]

Cw: vent. Not safe for little eyes. Read if you want, scroll if not

I’m so tired of being tired and I’m so tired of being ill, I hate that my body does this to me. I want to be normal again. I’m trying to think of the good things, my birthday is soon but I’m not ready to turn 16. I’m not ready. I can’t do that, I don’t want it to come to a close so soon. I just got happy. I can’t be doing this again. I’m sick of feeling disgusted with myself every time I get sad. I can’t keep scrubbing my hands clean multiple times a day because I got too stressed and my body doesn’t know how to cope, I’m so damn fucking tired

[microwave-core]

Would You Still Love Me if I Was No Longer a Worm?

Zelda x Fem! Reader

From her initial disappearance, to her many cryptic apparitions, you’ve held onto the hope that Zelda might eventually come back to Hyrule. You never could have imagined the reality of her fate, nor how things could have ended.

A.K.A. The continuation of “Would You Still Love Me If I Was a Worm?”, which you can find linked in my pinned masterlist instead of here because Tumblr is sometimes weird with links. Like a worm on a string, this bitch is long.

Everyday felt the same. You woke up, you worked, and you waited. When was the last time you were truly “all there”? When was the last time you weren’t lost in thought, leaving your body to operate on auto-pilot? It was hard to say. You were barely aware of the time passing you by.

In truth, there was no point to it. You originally counted down the days, watching on in suspense as the sun climbed further and further into the sky until it dipped below the mountains, fully aware of every second that passed. Every minute meant the potential for an even worse disaster, but the world and her news took too long to reach you, and, soon enough, you paid no attention to the time that passed at all.

Your feet took you where you needed to be, your hands finished work without much of a problem, and those around you made sure you kept up with your health. All so your mind could be off somewhere else, high above the clouds, never to come down unless to ravage any news about the whereabouts of your beloved.

There seemed to be a permanent outline of your form on the side of the School in Hateno. Like old times, you waited with baited breath, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she would walk out after all of the children had left, eyes filled with admiration and smile laced with joy. She would be there, like this was all just a twisted, shared nightmare.

 But, of course, that never happened. You would wait and wait, but nothing changed. Sometimes, you arrived early enough to see the children leave to go play and hit each other with sticks in the street. The poor, sweet children who were too young to understand what was happening in the world. The children who only knew that their favorite teacher had disappeared. 

Sometimes, you could catch glimpses of worry and anxiety on their faces. Sometimes, you’d watch them pretend to be heroes in their wild games of imagination, where they’d eventually find the lovely princess and bring her home where she belonged. Sometimes, they’d hand you poorly drawn pictures of her, and you would hold them close and pretend that the paper wasn’t suddenly stained with tears.

Symin would follow, watching you with concern. He would approach, placing a hand on your shoulder, reassuring you that everything would be alright, and that she would be back one day, safe and sound. Some days, you would walk through town together in an attempt to keep her off of both your minds. Other days, you would collapse into his arms, shattering at the slightest bit of comfort.

When you heard that Link had been found, having gone missing since the new maelstrom of events struck Hyrule, you ran to meet up with him as soon as possible. The journey to the foot of Hyrule Castle all the way from Hateno was a long one, but, thankfully, the prospect of seeing your lover (and a great friend) again gave you the drive and confidence to press forward.

Had it not been for Purah holding him back for so long, he would have fled Lookout Landing as soon as he arrived. After all, he was just as desperate to find Zelda as you were. Knowing he was safe filled you with a sense of relief, of course, but that didn’t stop the iron-clad grip of dismay from surrounding your heart.

He didn’t have the heart to tell you about her sudden appearance at the castle, knowing that the information would only get your hopes up. Besides, another mention of her name without any news of her whereabouts would surely cause the cracks in your resolve to deepen.

You lingered in the small settlement for several days before heading back. Winded from your long journey and hampered by disappointment, it was far easier to remain there than head back home immediately. Besides, news of her whereabouts would sooner reach the Lookout than Hateno.

The eventual return trip was long, considering that you weren’t beelining through every obstacle to reach your destination. The stables along the way helped restore your fatigued body, and the issues of the Lucky Clover newspaper kept the burning dread in your being at bay. The new issues were read several times over, and old issues thoroughly combed over for any details you might have missed in the off chance that there might be some mention of the princess.

But even with the growing drama between the mayor and fashionable mushrooms, Hateno simply lacked the excitement of Lookout Landing, leading to you journeying between the two frequently. The fresh air and new scenery helped keep your misery at bay. Or at least, that’s what you told yourself.

Each visit progressively became longer and longer, until, eventually, Lookout Landing was essentially your new home. Helping Purah tinker with her beloved Sheikah technology and aiding Josha with her Depths research was leagues better at keeping your mind busy than any of the mindless work in Hateno. And when you eventually had to return to the farming town for short periods of time, you could check in with Robbie and let him ramble about his discoveries and inventions.

While you loved to check in with him, though, you were all too anxious to return. You simply couldn’t bear the thought of missing any new information. No amount of distractions could fully blow away the anxiety embedded in your bones. Nothing could fill the ever growing void nipping at your heart.

You clung to every bit of information, no matter how small or unbelievable. So many sightings had been reported from all across the kingdom, and even though the princess they describe was so far removed from the woman you knew so well, you chose to believe them. You hoped and prayed that she was somewhere, anywhere, even if she was a vastly different person

And while the newspaper was, generally speaking, a great source of information, nothing compared to the fount of knowledge that was Link. Zelda means as much to him as she does to you. He knew more than anyone the pain that her disappearance had caused your aching soul. He was busy, traveling across the world and solving crises left and right, but he always made time to bring new information to you.

Hearing about the various Zelda sightings from him made the tales feel so much more real, even if the woman in the story never ended up being the real deal, and he filled in gaps that you never even knew existed. Interwoven within his words were stories of his exploits. About the Zonai, and the Depths, and the Sky Islands, and the general alteration of the world. It helped to ease your mind, in a weird way, and it seemed to help him relax a bit as well.

Through it all, you were sick and eaten away by worry. Zelda was a capable woman. If she was in danger, she would know how to defend herself, surely. She would be fine, and would turn up, somehow, and life would go back to how it was before. And you told this to yourself over and over again, yet a part of your mind refused to let it stick.

But your mental setbacks could be pushed to the back of your mind as you watched Lookout Landing grow. The various races of Hyrule all pooling into one area overtime, spreading tales of their people and the hardships they had just endured, filled your heart with warmth. A comforting, fuzzy feeling that you had all but forgotten about for far too long.

While dread filed into the pit of your stomach each day that passed, knowing that the various kingdoms of the world were prepared to spend all available resources to find the princess rekindled the spark of hope in your soul that was previously burnt down to the cinders.

With the knowledge that Link had cleaned up the last of the strange phenomena in the world, you anxiously awaited his return, knowing that he would have new information to share. When he finally did, though, having to go through the onslaught of people wanting to thank him for all he had done, he approached you with a level of hesitance you had never seen before.

Link, the man you had only ever known as being fearless, if not the very embodiment of courage itself, appeared to be anxious. On edge. His posture, the look that he gave you when he finally met your eyes, told you that he was nervous. But before you could even greet him properly, Purah let out a garbled scream, as all eyes turned towards Hyrule castle and the blood-red sky.

You have never been so high up in your entire life. Had it not been for the serene beauty of the cloud painted landscape below, you’d be clambering to return to the surface. He’s told you about the Sky Islands before, and in extreme detail to boot, but actually standing on solid ground far above the world you hailed from was otherworldly to say the least. Not that it took away from the current situation.

Link had called this place “The Temple of Time”, a name that seemed odd to you, considering that such a place existed on the surface, although with a vastly different appearance. Getting past the moving gears to get to the back of the temple was almost as unnerving as getting to the sky in the first place. Almost as unnerving as standing in the open air, on a platform that felt as if it could crumble at any moment.

Almost as unnerving as facing the reality of the situation. Of facing the information that Link was going to tell you that made it necessary to come up here in the first place. His insistence of coming to this place, along with his blatant nervousness from before, was more than enough to put you on edge.

Your only saving grace was learning that the Zelda plaguing Hyrule and, primarily, her stables was a mere puppet created to spread chaos throughout the land. But a part of you already knew something was wrong with “her” to begin with, considering that the stories didn’t sound like your Zelda. And given how Link looked when going into Hyrule Castle, it was evident that he already knew as well.

Still, the entire event put you on edge, watching on with baited breath as he made his way into the castle, followed by his entourage of companions, or sages as Purah called them. Their eventual return, bearing disastrous news about some so-called “Demon King”, delayed Link even further. But seeing each of his friends was nice. While you didn’t know them well, they all knew you, and, more importantly, your relation to the princess.

Through their discussion of how to purge this ancient evil, they gave you rather effective comfort. But as they eventually left to their own domains, prepared to attack as soon as Link was prepared, you were left with him. His nervousness, while less obvious, was still noticeable, as he insisted upon taking you somewhere different to tell you what he had learned.

Slowly, you turn to him. Link’s gaze darts around the horizon, seemingly looking for something just out of view. Whether he notices you waiting or not doesn’t seem to matter. You were always anxious to hear what new information he had amassed, but this was an entirely different matter. 

The sound and feeling of your heartbeat prevented you from calming down, as your anxiety threatened to take over. Though the scenery and strange sensations-primarily the bizarre sound of the temple’s bell and the constructs and, what seemed to be, odd roaring in the distance-provided a distraction, it was only a matter of time before the dam to your emotional reservoir would burst open.

Suddenly, he perks up, motioning you over to the edge. Shifting over slowly, as if any sudden movement would hurl you over the edge, you gaze out into the open sky, as a strange, albeit familiar, shape enters your field of view. A dragon. You had seen it flying around before, surely, but were never sure if it was one of the others slithering about the skies or something entirely new. 

From here, it was obvious. The golden fur (hair?), turquoise accents, and… wide eyes made it clear that this dragon was new to Hyrule, likely appearing alongside the Sky Islands and falling debris. The longer you looked, the more features you absorbed and committed to memory. It was strange, but it really reminded you of-

“Zelda.”

“..What? What do you mean-”

“It’s Zelda.” You look at him. You stare. Surely his words couldn’t be true, could they? Realistically, there’s no way a person, especially your Zelda, could become something so.. so different, but the conviction and earnestness in his tone, and the fact that he would have no reason to lie to you, on top of the fact that he spoke…

You turn away from him, looking back at the horizon, at the dragon slowly grazing through the sky, cutting through the air like a fish through water. The golden hair, the blue accents, the effortless grace laced into its movement…

Link grabs ahold of your nearly limp body, preventing you from tumbling into the lake far below. Your legs had given out from under you, strength leaving the moment his words truly sank into your mind. You weren’t sure if you should laugh or cry at, what very well may be, one of the worst cases of cosmic irony the kingdom had ever seen.

You shook in his grasp. The expression on your face was blank, as tears formed in your eyes and fell to the pristine floor below. Link’s embrace and attempts of comfort went unnoticed, as your entire being was focused on the dragon in the distance. On the woman you love, who’s been here since this shit storm began, who was both so familiar yet so different at the same time. There was but one thing you could do for her now, and no force in Hyrule would be capable of holding you back.

You all but begged Link to take you up to her, properly this time. While the regular dragons of the world weren’t entities you were familiar with, you knew that they were peaceful creatures. Surely, she would be the same. You were confident. He knew how much this meant to you, but it was difficult to find a good time and place considering that she was constantly on the move. But eventually, it happens.

Being launched into the sky by an amalgamation of foreign devices made for a terrible experience, but it was worth it to reach her. Despite your insistence, you hesitated to get off of the Lovecraftian machinery Link had concocted. Pressing your foot onto her body as gently as possible, as if your body weight would cause her excruciating pain, you slowly move onto her.

Link follows after, jumping off of his device with reckless abandon as it topples to the ground below. He’s done this song and dance before, many times, you were sure, but it still made you uneasy. He takes you by the hand and gently leads you down the expanse of her body, moving slowly so as to not disturb your balance.

Your hands lingered on her turquoise spines, holding them gently, the same way that you would hold her hand. The iridescent glow of her yellow scales was a marvel on the eyes, but you kept yours fixed forward so as to avoid looking at the ground below. Although, the movement of her limbs consistently grabbed your attention, as they waved back and forth and periodically clutched around nothing. It was cute, in a sense, but then again, you thought everything she did was cute.

The blond mane at her head was odd. Thicker and more coarse than regular hair, but not unpleasant to the touch. It crunched slightly under your boots, as if it had not been disturbed in many, many years. You grimaced at every step. Even though she showed no signs of distress, or even any acknowledgement of your presence, you couldn’t help but think otherwise.

At the top of her head, Link stopped, looking back at you. With hesitant steps, you follow, making sure that what you were doing was fine. He releases the hold on your arm slowly, before stepping back. He couldn’t just leave you up here alone with no way to get back down, but he could still give you some privacy. 

You move to sit down, perched between her elegantly-curved horns, to prevent yourself from falling. Your legs felt unreliable, which was understandable considering how high up you were with nothing to save you if you fell. Not to mention the fact that the creature you were standing on is the love of your life, a notion that still felt so shocking that it made your limbs weak.

Your hands ran over the fur that covered her head, it’s softness contrasting her sleek, cold-to-the-touch scales. Her horns, which were oddly chilled as well, appeared delicate and almost glass-like with the way they caught and reflected light, but were strong and sturdy in your hands. Amazement and awe fought tooth and nail with your anxiety and dread.

It felt somewhat strange to speak to her. Would she even understand your words, or would they come off as gibberish? And even if she did understand, she wouldn’t be able to properly respond to you, would she? On second thought, maybe it’s better if she can’t understand, because otherwise she would be trapped in her own mind, unable to communicate.

“Zelda.. I’m sorry it took me so long to see you.” Not the words you meant to say, but that’s all that came out, sounding tired and pathetic. You really hoped that Link couldn’t hear you.

“Do you remember what I said to you, before you went under the castle? About being a worm and all? I said it as a joke, sure, but I want you to know that I meant what I said.” You shuffle slightly, peering over from your spot to look into one of her eyes. It remained unchanged, staring off into the abyss aimlessly. Still, you hoped your words reached her, even if she didn’t understand them.

You move back to your spot. Brushing your hand over her head, you lean down and gently press your lips onto her forehead, the same place where the Master Sword had occupied for so long. Another thing Link had told you, about the ethereal light that poured from it while embedded in her skull, and about how she thrashed about when he attempted to pull it, and the realm of golden light she brought him to, and about how she spoke to him afterwards. About why she changed herself, potentially forever, for the sake of the world.

You decide that maybe it’s best to join her in staring off into the sky beyond. The mix of brilliant orange and bright yellow peering over the horizon has always been beautiful, but you haven’t appreciated it since she disappeared. The moment felt… right. You desperately hope there would be a way for her to turn back, but you could still make this work.

You could somehow make your home in the sky and take rides with her across the world. You could remind her of all the things she loved, tell her about all kinds of technology and discoveries made in the world since her human form left and bring her Silent Princesses. You could scold Link when he inevitably shot arrows into her body, even though she didn’t appear to be in pain. You could live together again.

With newfound determination and vigor, you stand slowly, turning back to Link. He had traveled pretty far down her body, having picked off a handful of spikes that had come loose since the last time he visited her. You nod, signifying that you were ready to go back down to the surface. 

As much as you want to stay with her, you have a whole slew of things to do in order to keep your promises. Besides, the longer you stayed, the more motion sick you felt. Hopefully, you’d build up a tolerance over time. Hopefully. He jogged over to you, sticking the spines into his pocket.

“Were you going to Tarrey Town anytime soon?” He turns his attention from his infinite pocket space to look at you, eyebrows knitted. You lean against one of her horns for balance, running your hand over its somewhat rough surface.

“You know, to ask about a dream home.” He looked at you with some concern, then carefully considered your words, before giving you a look as if to say ‘that isn’t going to work’. You try to convince him otherwise, about how Hudson Construction could pull off anything with enough resources and determination, as he grabs your arm again and prepares for a rough trip down.

For once in a very, very long time, you felt somewhat at peace. The all-encompassing dread that previously crushed your soul had lessened dramatically. Knowing that Zelda was safe took the weight off your chest, but failed to pluck away your anxieties in full. Even though you were determined to stay by her side, and were willing to do whatever to be with her, you were afraid of spending the rest of your life with her like this.

You could manage for now, sure, but it was only a matter of time before the constant trips to and back from her, as well as the reliance on Link to actually get up to her, would run you ragged. You’d never tire of her, of course, even if she can’t communicate with you, but you could do without the journey.

Maybe you could find a way to build a small house on her, that way you wouldn’t have to leave as often. Link has the inexplicable ability to build things, sometimes out of thin air, so maybe he could help. But, then again, that would probably be uncomfortable for her.

No matter. You’d have time to think about that later. Like always, you have to focus on seeing her again. Your short visits to Hateno were all but forgotten about, as you were all too focused on trips to see Zelda, and when you weren’t doing that, you were helping out around Lookout Landing.

 Admittedly, you haven't told anyone about the princess’s fate. It’s not necessarily an easy topic to bring up, assuming that people would even believe you to begin with given how unbelievable it sounds without actually seeing her in person. The people around you had no idea what you were up to on all of these trips, but they were at least happy to see you in better spirits.

Each trip would be relatively the same. You’d set out on your horse and ride around until you caught sight of her. It took a considerable amount of time to do, but you managed to follow and track her general path throughout the land on horseback, meaning all you had to do was travel along the path until you found her.

On some trips, you would just ride along in her shadow, as if the two of you were going on a walk throughout the countryside, no matter how rocky the terrain or terrible the weather. Other times, you had Link by your side, which allowed you to sit with, or rather on, her, but only after having a minor heart attack in the process.

Even though the Demon King’s rise was imminent, he always found the time to help you up to her. If anything, it gave him an excuse to relax and rest for a few hours. He’s been through hell and back multiple times, and will undoubtedly face much worse threats soon, so taking a little time to himself, especially when he can help you in the process, does his soul good. Besides, he misses her, too.

While there, you would talk to her. You’d tell her about all her old friends and companions, about how they’ve been doing and how much they miss her. You talk about the most recent discoveries revolving around the Zonai and about the innovations Purah and Robbie have been making. You talk about what life has been like since she “disappeared”, although it often ended up being barebones, considering you spent most of that time thinking and worrying about her, and she didn’t really need to know that.

You’d also bring her Silent Princesses, making sure to show them to her, even if she never looked directly at them. You’d weave and braid the stems into her hair and around her horns, and any left over would be left on her head. They’d wither away eventually, assuming they didn’t fall off first, but it never deterred you.

You’d bring other objects as well, one’s with some sentiment, although not important enough just in case they were dropped. You had brought books she’d gushed about and personal journals. There were also pieces of clothing, like her favorite kind of tunics, as well as the hoods she had taken a liking to after the Calamity. You also brought her barrettes and a brush once, with the intention of brushing her long mane, but it got stuck almost immediately. Not wanting to risk hurting her, you gave up after getting it untangled, sticking to running your hands through it instead.

All in all, being with Zelda as is was a full time job, one that was both time consuming and rewarding. But you could keep this pace up, at least until after the Demon King had been defeated. Once he was dealt with, the world could regain a sense of normalcy, making your life easier to some degree. Maybe you and Link would even be able to tell the others the truth about her disappearance, taking some of the stress off of your shoulders.

You had just returned from an annual trip to Kakariko Village, dozens of Silent Princesses on your person. The massive chasm that collapsed the center of the forest was terrifying to navigate around, but the fear of falling was worth it for her sake.

Stashing away most of the flowers for later, with the remainder carefully packed into your horse’s saddle pocket, you begin planning your next outing. Or, you tried to, but it was difficult to think straight with the tension in the air. Link had finally gone beneath Hyrule Castle, putting everyone on edge. 

His companions-the sages-had all showed up, ready to provide him aid. They only stopped by for their final preparations before setting off after him, but seeing them made the situation feel much more real. It reinforced how dangerous their mission was. It made you think about all of their terrible things that could happen if something went wrong.

It was obvious that everyone was on the same wavelength, trying to keep their thoughts off of what ifs and go about life as normal. But it was truly impossible to just brush off the momentous battle happening beneath your feet, impossible to pretend that everything was perfectly normal.

Trying your best to act natural, you tend to your horse while thinking of what to say next time you see her. You would need Link to come back alive, something you were certain would happen, in order to get up to her. There would be so much to talk about, and she deserved to know every last detail. She especially deserved to know that the ancient evil, the one that led to her being trapped within the body of a dragon, was gone for good.

You look back at the castle, wondering if they were all faring well against the previously imprisoned evil, if they were even fighting him at present at all. You think of Zelda, naturally, wondering if she knew what was happening. Realistically, she didn’t. How could she? But it was interesting to think about what she would do if she could help Link fight.

Your gaze shifts over to Purah, perched on her prized telescope, panning over the general castle area. She, like everyone else, was determined to act as if the current situation wasn’t affecting her or her work ethic. However, she hasn’t moved from her position since Link left. If she saw anything happening in the castle or around the crater, she didn’t let on.

You look around the rest of the Landing, watching just about everyone do the same. All attempting to do their work or training while keeping their eyes transfixed at the floating castle. You look back at your horse, continuing to brush through its delicate mane. If only you could be ignorant to the happenings around you, only worried about getting your hair brushed.

You focus your mind on anything else. About Zelda and wherever she was on the path she had chosen to take for the rest of her worm life. About the horse in front of you, who didn’t have a care in the world other than your affection and care. About the swaying trees and fauna out in the distance, bouncing in the breeze. Or about the fish leisurely swimming in the nearby lakes and rivers. Or the monsters chanting with one another at their campfires.

Or the shaking of the ground. About the tremors from deep below the earth that shook you to your core. About the ones that previously racked Hyrule Castle when it originally ascended into the sky above alongside a cloud of red and black flame. Or the screams of people around you, terrified at what was happening above.

Looking back in a panic, you see it. First, it’s the castle shaking, as parts just out of view seemed to shake loose. But from below, a dark, bellowing figure, appearing to be made out of pure malice, emerged. The ghastly figure takes root, limbs reaching out to grip the castle walls, which were abandoned when the castle proper rose, as it escapes from the abyss.

The being soon became concrete, as it flew higher into the air. It was another dragon. A dragon bigger than any of the ones you’d ever seen, with massive curled horns and a viscerally bloody mane. The Demon King, the ancient evil who had been trapped under the world for centuries.

Before you can even consider what might have happened to Link and the sages for it to break free, another figure, high above, catches its attention. It’s Zelda, swooping below the Demon to catch something, or someone. Presumably, hopefully, the small speck in the sky that fell between the two was Link.

The two dragons intertwine with one another, as the Demon continuously attempts to attack Zelda, only for her to dodge past his maw and blazing hellfire. She flies far above him, before suddenly dropping down, as if preparing to catch something, before repeating. You have never seen her move so quickly, soaring through the air, as if escaping the clutches of evil was an effortless task.

The battle is both terrifying and enrapturing, as the two dragons appear to become more and more desperate. Their movements become more rapid, more erratic, the Demon lashing out to do anything to survive while Zelda does everything in her power to stay out of the line of fire. 

You're too distracted thinking about Zelda’s safety that you don’t even notice the sky twisting red, or the sudden rise of the moon, or the massive light bursting from the Demon’s head, or it’s wretched screeches as it burrows further into the air, where it implodes into a massive pillar of light.

In the back of your mind, you’re aware of it. You know it was there, that it happened, but your focus was entirely on her. She coasts through the air, moving about like normal, floating around the pillar of light, until she stops.

You watch with baited breath as her entire body begins to still and glow with a brilliantly soft light. In the blink of an eye, she’s gone. The Light Dragon is gone, as the light from her body scatters into the sky. In her place is another tiny speck, followed by the other.

You can hear the commotion around you. People are still yelling in confused panic, some clinging onto each other in fear. Others are praying, or stationary in disbelief. Those brave enough left to the foot of Hyrule Castle, watching for damage and any other threat that may slither out from the Depths below. But your mind isn’t here. It’s with her.

You watch as the two figures inch closer to each other and the ground. Your mind was simultaneously far too busy and far too empty. Dozens of thoughts and possibilities flitted across your consciousness, but each one was discarded as quickly as it was conceived. You couldn’t think about what could or might be. There’s no room for anything other than her.

Her body comes closer into view, now held by Link who directs their falling forms into the water below, crashing into it’s pristine surface. Shakily, you swing onto your horse, as adrenaline courses through your veins. You’re vaguely aware of Purah yelling after you, but your body moves on its own. Spurring your stead forward, you move as quickly as possible to the small pond by the Landing, praying for the best.

As soon as you see Link, you jump off of your horse. Despite the shakiness in your legs, the weariness in your bones, you force yourself over to him. He looks up at you, nodding reassuringly. He’s tired and haggard after witnessing unseen horrors, but you can’t focus on him. Because past him is her.

Zelda. Dressed in strange yet beautiful clothing, it’s Zelda. Not a mindless dragon soaring through the air, laying in the bed of flowers before you, it’s Zelda. You kneel by her side as Link backs away, ready to give you both space. She stirs, eyes cracking open slightly. She looks around, regular, emerald eyes taking in her surroundings, and then sits up. She looks to Link, confused, and then to you. 

“What? How did-” Her voice comes out hoarsely, but with an undertone of warmth. However, she’s cut off as you bring her into a tight embrace, holding her body against your own as if she could slip through your fingers at any moment. She sits there for a few seconds before coiling her arms around you.

She eventually leans back, fighting against your grip, in order to make eye contact. She looks up at you, eyes brimming with joy and tears.

“Would you still love me if I was no longer a worm?”

“Of course. Whether you’re a big dragon or not.” You move a hand to her caress her cheek, voice so soft that it was barely above a whisper. “You’re too important to me to just let go like that.”

She laughs, a wonderfully bright sound that for so long only existed in your distant, hazy memories. She wipes away the tears rolling down your cheeks. You don’t even know when you started crying.

“Well, I’m glad… I..” She sniffles, as the tears welling up in her eyes threaten to spill over. “I never thought that I would get to see you again.”

“I came to see you whenever I could. I followed you across Hyrule just to see and speak to you.” You brush away her tears with all of the gentleness you can muster, before taking the hand away to grab her own cradling your face, gently guiding it to your lips, pressing a gentle kiss to each knuckle. “I even tried to build a home in the sky to be with you.”

The gentle tears turned to sobs, as she fell back into your arms. Despite her crying, the same bright smile is painted across her lips. She takes a few moments to compose herself again before speaking.

“I’ve been asleep for all this time, but I can remember a warm feeling, like a wonderful, loving embrace.” She moves your conjoined hands away from your face, squeezing it gently, before leaning up to press a sweet, delicate kiss to your lips. The amount of warmth and love in her expression was blinding.

“Oh, I wish you could have seen it, the founding era of Hyrule. The world the Hylians and Zonai built together was wonderful, and all of the people I met, the King and the Queen, they…” She trails off, voice quiet, as if you were the only two people in the world. “I wish you could have met them. They would have loved you so much.”

Her smile somehow brightens, as her tone morphed into the same one she used when discussing her discoveries. She rambles on about the people she met and all that she had seen. You’re both vaguely aware of the people around you, in shock and disbelief that the princess was safe and sound. But you didn’t pay them any mind, and neither did she. She was home, and that’s all that could ever matter.

[intersex-animal]

I worked as a nurse for over a decade—but it was only about two years ago that I fully understood the meaning of the word “intersex.”  I was working at a sexual health clinic that specializes in LGBTQI+ care when I had an opportunity to hear Alicia Roth-Weigel speak about intersex rights.

At that point, I had been a practicing Registered Nurse for 13 years. I couldn’t understand how this term, intersex, hadn’t been brought to my attention before now. I had taken advanced courses of Anatomy and Physiology in high school and college; I have a Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing from a highly esteemed university’s nursing school. I’d taken care of adults in hospitals for ten years and in primary care clinics for years after that. I personally identify with the LGBTQI+ community! Why didn’t I know this – the meaning of the “I”?

The real meaning of the “I”

Intersex is an umbrella term for a host of variances in the sex characteristics that people can be born with, existing between society’s binary of “male” or “female”. While every intersex body is unique, there are over 40 diagnostic terms that are used to classify the variances that can be observed in a person’s chromosomes, hormones, external genitals, or internal organs.

Unfortunately for me, we didn’t cover any of this nuance in nursing school. If I had seen the words “Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome” listed in a patient’s medical history during those first ten years of my career, I might have quickly looked up the scientific definition without understanding the deeper meaning of it in regards to the person’s holistic picture. I now understand that some people are born with bodies that look differently because they have an immunity to androgens, including their own hormones, like testosterone. 

More so than any clinical terminology, I wish I had understood that people born with intersex variations may have faced specific kinds of trauma simply because of being born intersex. They can face higher rates of of sexual abuse and abusive behaviors from an intimate partner.

I worked for a year as a Forensic Nurse in a clinic that specializes in providing care to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. I recall seeing the word “intersex” as a gender option for patients to select on their intake form, but since I lacked awareness of what intersex actually means, I potentially missed out on major context to my patient’s bigger picture. I was there specifically to serve survivors of abuse and I might have missed flags for opportunities to offer additional support, education, or referrals to resources.

Our intersex patients face medical harm

I have also come to understand how the Medical Establishment, a community I proudly belong to, has been one main perpetrator of violence, shame, and trauma inflicted upon the intersex population. I wanted to think I wasn’t part of the problem because I’d never worked with anyone with an intersex variation before. But we’ve all heard the statistic about the rate of people born with intersex variance being about the same as people born with red hair. And I know I’ve taken care of plenty of redheads in my time. I’ve cared for intersex patients and had never known it. 

We weren’t taught in nursing school that the world of medicine can actually be a trauma machine that violates many people. Some people born with intersex variations don’t even know a life before experiencing medical trauma, because it starts the moment they’re out of the womb. Others experience it later in their childhood or pubescent years, but regardless of their age, medical trauma is a common thread in the fabric that connects so many intersex stories.

They are too often stories of being shamed, lied to, kept in secrecy about their own bodies, or treated like a test subject by a medical professional who is supposed to care for them and protect them. Realizing that I was part of the community responsible for so much pain and suffering was a really hard pill to swallow. 

Intersex people aren’t finding affirming healthcare

In my nursing style, I pride myself on being a trauma-informed, empathetic, and safe provider for any person I care for. I prioritize healthcare equity, patient education and autonomy, and try to provide every one of my patients with access to all the information they need to make the best decision for themselves.

When I realized that intersex people are often born without control over what happens to their own bodies, it made me sick. I had no idea that there are barbaric surgical procedures still being performed on infants and children who cannot consent. Children born intersex may be told there is something wrong with their body that needs to be “managed” or “fixed” with medicine or surgery. I learned that intersex people can experience intense feelings of isolation and loneliness and lack the social support that we all need to thrive.

There are also gaping holes in the options for health care of intersex adults. As Alicia Roth Weigel reports, some intersex adults travel around the globe to find competent medical providers. Or, maybe more alarming, they are burdened with the task of educating their provider about the medical care they need. If I had known about intersex variations prior to becoming a practicing nurse, what differences could I have possibly made? Maybe just by being a supportive and affirming provider, knowledgeable enough to advocate for people whose bodies look or operate differently; to remind them that they are healthy and perfect as they are and don’t need to be “fixed”.

Nurses can be part of the change

In the time since my eyes were opened to the intersex community, I have tried to do my part in joining the fight for their rights and increasing visibility and representation. I updated the language used on educational documents in my clinic so that they were more inclusive of the natural variances found among human bodies.

I’ve also focused on educating myself and exposing myself to intersex voices: I’ve read memoirs of some prominent intersex activists, attended the premiere of an intersex documentary, listened to podcasts, and attended talks to increase my exposure and alignment with the community. It’s important to me that their voices and stories are heard, and I want to be an audience and an amplifier for them. The more that nurses understand what it means to be an intersex person, the better job we can do in advocating for their rights and providing the best healthcare possible for every single patient we serve.

Nurses and other healthcare professionals can help foster a better relationship between the healthcare system and the intersex community by being more informed to the unique needs of intersex people. We should strive to protect their autonomy, safety, and comfort as we would with any patient in our care. While I do still find myself wondering about “what if” scenarios and what differences I could have made in the past had I been more educated, I do find motivation in how I can be a better ally for the intersex community going forward.

I’ve encountered many nurses just like myself who did not understand the complexity associated with the word intersex. In sharing my experience with other medical professionals, I hope to educate my peers and increase the visibility of intersex people from inside the industry. My hope in doing so is that all nurses will one day be better equipped to care for and advocate for patients with intersex identities.

[buddie911abc]

911 Summary/Thoughts Season 1 Episode 9-Trapped /Buck’s Journey

Caveat: I am up-to-date on all 911 episodes. For my reviews, I attempt to rewatch and remember my first impressions. I will occasionally, compare it to what I know now. There is a possibility of spoilers for all aired episodes.

Emergencies: The emergencies this week revolved around feeling or being trapped.

The first emergency was a homeless man who fell asleep in a dumpster and was dumped into a dump truck the next morning. The outcome was survival, but he was still homeless.

The second emergency was a woman and her son trapped in an elevator.  The outcome was survival. Buck and Hen were good on the rescue.

The third emergency was a man trapped beneath the clutter in his brother’s house. His brother was a hoarder, and the house was booby-trapped against outsiders. Chim was off to the rescue this time. He was small enough to fit through the hoarder’s junk-filled maze. The outcome was survival.

Personal Stories/Getting to Know:

Abby’s Mom continued to deteriorate in her mental health. It prevented Abby from keeping her dates with Buck. Buck loves Abby and decides to see her through the struggle she is facing in taking care of her mom. Abby appreciated his support but did try to make it easier on him to walk away if he wanted to do so. He chose to stay, but the episode ended with the death of Abby’s mother.

Buck did have second thoughts about his relationship with Abby, after she canceled a few dates on him, but ultimately, he knew she was worth putting in the work and time. Bobby helped him to realize this.

Hen confronted her ex about the fact that she was trying to get custody of the son she gave away. Eva was only doing it to get Hen back, but Hen wasn’t having it. Hen stood up to her.

Likes/Dislikes:

The best part of this episode, hands down, is Athena getting trapped with her boy toy and getting stuck in the handcuffs. She called Hen to come and bring her the key from across the room. I don’t think I’ve seen Hen laugh that hard ever. Her threat to take a selfie with them was just the best. Their friendship is fire.

The dialogue between Bobby and Buck was a highlight. Buck tells Bobby that he is, “Super into her. She’s smart. When she makes fun of him, she doesn’t make him feel bad. She has her own money. The sex is… insane.” Bobby replies, “Oh, here I thought she just had great hair.”

The rescues related well to the episode's title but were not very exciting overall.

Ships:

Hen/Karen – Hen and Karen are still split, but Hen has not given up hope. She confronts her ex and makes it clear that she doesn’t want her back. Ship status is still on the rocks.

Buck/Abby – Buck has a few doubts about his relationship. He wonders if he should be looking for something less adult. Bobby gives him great advice about women of substance. For the moment, the ship is still sailing.

Athena/New Guy- I keep missing this new guy’s name, but he was fun in this episode. Athena and New Guy met up for some sexy time. Later, he tried to impress her with dinner and then asked her to go away for the weekend. She didn’t want to go. She wanted a sexual fling, nothing serious. Ship status. Sunk.

Favorite quote from this episode:

Bobby: “Look, all those things that you feel when you’re with Abby—the closeness, intimacy, and trust—those things don’t come for free. Any woman of substance and experience has lived a life, and she’s going to come with some baggage. I think your problem is you’re hoping to pull her out of this trap she’s in with her mom. That’s not going to happen. What she needs is for you to step inside with her, and keep her company in there.”

Buck’s Journey- We know from season 7 that Buck is bisexual, and he was not self-aware enough to fully realize this aspect of himself in earlier seasons. Season one has shown us that he is searching for something in his life. He wants to be a better man. He is curious and open. He appears nonjudgmental of others. We are one episode away from finishing the season, so far, it has focused on him pulling away from being a womanizer and becoming a better human being. His feelings for Abby are genuine, and I truly think we don’t see his attraction to men because he is building a stable relationship with a specific woman. Faithfulness matters to him. Season one is the beginning of his journey of self-awareness. At this point, there has been no foil, no individual, or man to challenge any preconceived ideas he may have about his sexuality. Just to be clear, we don’t need proof to confirm his sexuality. Buck has found and spoken his truth in season 7, but it is good to go back and trace his journey, and in season one, we only see part of an incomplete picture.

[foxes-that-run]

Thoughts on 1989 vault tracks

Now I’ve sat with these vault tracks for a few days, my initial shock has passed and I like them, they are about her mental health and she is villain in her own story. She starts pointing out how everyone expects more from her than Harry and ends expecting more from him than herself ‘in is it over?’

I don’t think Taylor really shares every song that she wrote, shes curated a linear postscript to 1989:

In slut shes love struck by a gentleman and throwing caution for her own self preservation to the wind. His desirability is hurting her confidence. She cautions Harry who’s also so blissed out they are reckless and let their feelings be known to the world.

In say don’t go she’s not getting what she wants. He’s not telling her he loves her, which is age appropriate - but in the context of millions of fans wanting him a disappointment. I’d hope an older celebrity could navigate that better. In the context of the insecurities in Slut and Gold Rush asking for assurance that he loves her is understandable. It adds a great dimension to You are in Loves “you can hear it in the silence” she’s assuring herself he loves her. Harry had his own troubles that explain this to me, but let’s stay with Taylor’s self reflection narrative.

Now that we don’t talk has become one I love. The title tells us it’s over and time has passed. On face value it’s a diss to an ex, and it is, though the jibes are light to him but not to Taylor. But she’s admitting she’s a jealous petty ex who can’t let him go. Now she’s older, over it, but choose share her hurt at seeing him on a yacht with Kendall. It shows it was real, she did love him and she is vulnerable. Were dancing and laughing but she’s singing of regret, that she still cares about Harry’s anxiety, shes lonely, scorned and regretful. It’s real and sad.

In suburban legends she says she didn’t expect to fall in love - she came to be Taylor Swift: global superstar, he was for that too. There was no pretence of their priorities but she fell in love. She loved him, wanted to impress him dreamed of being a power couple. “When he holds her he holds her together”, she’s saying it’s not him “it’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me” She took a self preservation step to end something she loves.

In is it over now, it’s 300 coffees/blind dates later (10 months later) she’s still not over him, still feels possive. She ended it, this is of her own doing. She calls him a traitor but is asking if they can be together again. A pop star getting photographed dating 10 months out of a relationship is not unreasonable. He may date blondes, she dated British guys. In 2023 Taylor’s publicly dared 2 different guys post Joe. I think Taylor is self aware that she’s done all these things, with the benefit of time she’s sharing it. She tells of her suicidal ideation, she’s hoping to see him again. The title is a question and the last word is no, it’s not over.

I think on reflection Harry comes off fine (if you actually listen to all the words TikTok Swifities).

The lyrics are clear she ended it, the jealousy followed that event. She was in a bad headspace and wasn’t getting what she needed, time passed but she couldn’t move on. His crime was living after being dumped. Sticking with a Taylor-only story this is one of depression, insecurity and self-destruction. This is a time period we’ve never heard about before and we know why now, she was in a bad place. And I love her for sharing it.

Looking ahead the 1989 tour happened May - September, I’m sure bolstered her confidence. In miss Americana she also spoke of the impact of disordered eating on her stamina. NWDT is much later after the tour though, into her time with Calvin.

[almostloosingit]

Did you find your bi*ch in me?

Draken

I wrote this while listening to:

(English isn't my first language so please ignore any grammar errors if you find them😗✌️)

GN reader

TW: anxiety attacks , Reader thinking that they are imaging stuff ( Derealisation )

You loved him.

And he loved you but he also loved her.

You never met Emma but you heard stories about her and she seemed like a sweet girl. You’re also fully aware she was your boyfriend's first love that he never got the chance to confess to.

Since you two have been together you have seen him cry in his sleep multiple times. It hurts. It hurts to see the man you love cry but it also hurts to know he still hasn’t moved on after all of those years. You wish he did, you hoped one day he would just get over her.

It would save him and you so much mental health.

“Did you get some ice cream?” You asked your boyfriend who just came back from a quick trip to the shop. “Apparently it’s gonna be super fucking hot later on today” you looked at him with already tiered expression.

“Of course, I mean how can I forget to get the main thing .” He laughed as you came up to him.

You looked into the bag to see one big box of ice cream as well as two ice cream bars.

Strawberry and Chocolate?

“You got yourself a chocolate one? I swear you said before that you don’t like chocolate.” You looked up at him with confusion.

“No that’s yours babe” he looked at you and laughed as he took out his strawberry one. “Chocolate is your favourite after all.” He walked off while eating his.

Chocolate wasn’t your favourite.

You actually disliked it.

It was Emma’s favourite.

And you know that because you remember Ken telling you about how he took her out for ice cream once.

“Right” you put the chocolate ice cream and the one in a box into the freezer.

“You’re not gonna eat your ice cream?”

“I think I will pass for now”

“You okay?” He looked at you concerned.

“Yeah, I just remembered something.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing important.” You said while sitting down on the couch next to him as he puts his arm around and you lay your head on him.

“If you say so oh also babe wanna watch a movie? Mitsuya recommended a really good one.” You nodded your head which was a sign for him to start the movie.

It hurts like hell. It hurts so much to get mistaken even compared with a girl that never even dated him. It’s normal to miss someone you loved and you’re fully aware of it but for fuck sake can it fuck up your relationship. You never had a problem with him going to her grave and stuff like that because you understood why he did it but you never understood why he kept mistaking you with her. Is it because he loved you both? It can’t be because you two look alike because well the two of you look nothing alike. It’s annoying, it’s annoying that you're literally losing your boyfriend to someone who is dead. Will you ever be enough to make him forget about her? Were you just not enough to make him feel loved? Will he ever love you the way he loves her? Never in your life did you expect yourself to get mad over a dead person. If someone told you a few years ago that you would have to worry about a dead person stealing and ruining your relationship you would think that they were crazy yet here we are.

You don’t remember anything from the movie, you were just too busy overthinking this relationship. You were hoping that maybe he will release the mistake and apologise for it. You know normally people would just get over it, you know it was a simple mistake! But for you it wasn’t. It’s not the first time it happened for fuck sake. But it hurts the most when he calls you her name.

“She would have liked that movie” He said with a sad smile on his face.

He’s joking right? He can’t be serious right now.

“I’m sorry?”

“What?” So he is serious.

You know you were the wrong person in the wrong room and place.Let’s be honest you both knew he wanted her to be with him there. He wanted to have his hand around her. He wants her to be the one he comes back home to. He wanted to wake up every day to the sight of her next to him. He wants her in his arms. He wants her. He loves her. He needs her.

You were the other lover even though you were in his arms, you were the one he wakes up to every morning,you were the one dating him. Yet you were the other one. Not her but you.

Suddenly it was hard to breathe. You need to get away from him at least for now. It’s too much for you.

“I- you know what, I think I’m just tired” with that you stood up and started walking to the shared bedroom.

“Alright I will take a shower and then join you” he said, getting up from the couch and heading to the room opposite across the hallway.

While you were sitting on the bed you saw your boyfriend across the hallway brushing his teeth in the bathroom. You hate that he doesn’t realise the mistakes he makes. You hate the way it makes you feel. Your head felt so heavy from all of this.

“Babe could you please pass me some clean clothes”

It almost felt like you were on autopilot when you got up to get the clothes. The moment you threw them to him you came back alive. His simple yet so beautiful smile brought you back to life.

You remember when you first saw his smile, your heart melted every time you saw it from that day on. Then the day he asked you out on a date. He looked so shy you remember his face and his ears being red yet the moment you said ‘yes’ he gave you that smile yet it was so much brighter or when you agreed to date him. And let’s not forget how happy he was when you agreed to move in with him, he literally picked you up and started to spin you around. You thought the longer you will be with him the less he will call you by her name.

“Thank you, God I love you so much Emma” he said as he turned around to put the clothes away.

You felt your whole world collapse.

Are you imagining it?

Are you loosing your fucking mind?

Did he just say that?

The moment he turned back around he saw you standing there looking at him with tears streaming down your face.

“Babe come on what’s wrong?” You saw him starting to walk in your way. He sounded worried and almost scared. “Come on babe just talk to me, what's wrong?” You started to walk back begging for him to get the hint that you need space, that you need to be far away from him.

You were finding it hard to breathe.

You felt watered down.

You felt like your life was just sucked out of you.

You felt your heart being shattered.

“Are you fucking serious right now?” You said devastated.

“Babe what do you mean?” He looked so confused. ”I literally said ‘I love you’”

“Ryuguji did you not hear what you just said?”

“Babe don’t call me that” he said that with a sad yet angry tone.

“You think that’s bad? You literally called me HER name again !” You weren’t sad at that point and if there was any sadness left it was overshadowed by the anger.

“I didn’t do that-“

“Yes you fucking did. Ryuguji don’t pull that shit on me”

“Babe”

It’s always babe, you don’t remember the last time he called you your name. Y/N. Why can’t he call you Y/N? Was he calling you babe so he doesn’t have to say anyone's else’s name? It hurts.

“Don’t call me that”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Call me by my name”

“Babe come on-“

“Please for fuck sake just stop.”

Silence.

It was killing you.

Is he gonna call you by her name again?

Is he gonna leave?

What if he never actually said anything about her?

Maybe you were losing it after all?

“Y/N please hear me out, if I did I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to.” He stopped to compose himself. Did he do that? Did he call you by her name? “You know it’s hard for me-“

“We've been dating for 2 year! She died 12 years ago. There is no excuse for you to call me by her name and make such simple mistakes like even buying the wrong ice cream! Chocolate isn’t my favourite flavour. I don't like it even a bit! Yet you got it because it was her favourite. I was willing to ignore it even though it did hurt a little but saying ‘I love you Emma’ to me is too far!”

“I know I’m sorry but you know I miss her”

“Why did you ask me out then? Were you that desperate to fill the hole that you asked out first person you fucking saw?”

“No, that’s not the case I-“

“Then what? Do I remind you of her? Is that the reason? Is it because you find your Emma in me? So you dated me hoping I wouldn’t say a thing and play along with your little game” You wanted him to say you were wrong and that’s not the reason. But all of this made so much sense the way he asked you to wear specific clothes sometimes to do your hair in a specific way and don’t forget when he would keep saying stuff like.

‘I think this shade of blond would suit you’

‘You should go blond”

It does make sense and you hate it.

But he had no words left. He was looking at the floor with his eyebrows frowned.

You could see the little amount of tears that gathered in his eyes. He looked like you solved his little plan.

“So I’m right that is the reason”

He stayed silent and you hated every second of it.

“I'm gonna come back tomorrow to pack my stuff” you started to walk out of the room. You were hoping for him to grab your hand and hug you. You were still hoping you were wrong. But he didn’t do anything like that. He stood there like he was frozen.

You can’t be in the same room as him, you can’t be in the same house as him, you need to leave before the tears that came back to fill your eyes will fall down your face yet again. And you did that. While he stood there. He couldn’t believe it. He ruined it, he ruined the relationship he was so happy in. He hurt the person he loved so much by mistaking them with a person he used to love. Or so he thought. He really thought he was over her.

He moved the moment his phone vibrated.

It was a text from you that said:

“Next time you date someone, make sure you're over Emma first.”

[allhalesterekstilinski]

I do like complaining about t*en w*lf, it’s a hobby honestly. I’ve been thinking a lot about the parents lately, so I decided to give my brutally honest opinions about each of them. In case you don’t want to read all of my opinions, TLDR I don’t like most of the parents.

If you do want to hear my reasonings, I’ll put it under the cut because there is a lot of negativity.

These are my opinions and I’m explaining why I feel the way I do. You are by no means obligated to agree with me, and I’m not saying your opinions are wrong, all I ask is you are respectful.

This is my interpretation of the characters and their actions (as parents, not every single decision they’ve ever made). My interpretation may be influenced by my own experiences. If you disagree, I welcome you make your own post. If you really hate what I have to say, block me.

I do try to look at good and bad parenting decisions from each parent, but depending on what the act itself is, some hold more weight than others, as well as the number of good vs bad.

Let’s start with the dads

Noah Stilinski

Good

Said he would burn the sheriff’s station to the ground to protect Stiles

Was frantically looking for him when he went missing (on multiple occasions)

Pointed a gun at Chris when he thought he was going to shoot “Stiles”

Tried to help him get out of the train station

Stopped drinking (this is twofold, it was good for Stiles and for himself)

Bad

In regards to the first point, he followed it up with ‘a good way to forgive yourself is to forgive someone else.’ He made it all about Scott. I know he wasn’t aware of what Scott said, but Scott doesn’t need to be forgiven

“I don’t want to feel worse by yelling at my son” this sounds to me like he blames Stiles for getting fired. He shouldn’t have been fired, but he also shouldn’t be blaming Stiles

Stiles comes to him with XYZ and Noah doesn’t believe him. Scott comes to him with XYZ and he believes him. Not cool to believe someone else over your own kid, especially when they said the same thing. This happens multiple times

Edit to add: He basically calls Stiles a liar and never apologizes for it

Noah agreed to let Stiles to go Eichen. Even if he tried to back out later, he still let him go through with it

This one seems more minor, but not telling your kid who you’re going on a date with. Kinda awkward that it’s his crush’s mom

He leaves Stiles with Claudia. He thinks his job is more important than to support his son and his dying wife. He also did this knowing that Claudia assaulted Stiles. That’s not a great way to say you care about your kid (Noah, not Claudia, her too though)

“Thank you, son I should have had.” This is not funny. I don’t give a fuck what Stiles said before this. That’s not funny. You don’t joke about wanting someone else to be your kid. My dad made it very obvious he loved my step-brothers more than me and that shit is painful. (Additionally I’m sick of seeing “if you think that’s bad parenting, you had good parents.” I think that’s bad parenting and I had a shitty parent. There are real people in real life whose parents don’t like them and wish to trade them for a different kid. I think this is one of the most hurtful things spoken in the show)

He doesn’t know where Stiles is (in "Fury”) when the gun goes off and he calls out for Scott first. Before Stiles. He cares more about Scott’s than Stiles’s well-being. Even if he did know where Stiles was, you call out for your kid first to make sure they’re okay

Yelling “I’m the dad, you’re the son!” Obviously Stiles does not feel like a child in this relationship. He’s too busy being an adult

Additional note: I have no problem with Noah acting like a father figure to those who don’t have dads or good dads, but he should really focus on being a good dad to his own kid first. So far he’s not doing a bang up job.

Chris Argent

Good

Allowed her to take mental health days come season 3

Bad

Told Allison she was responsible for the deaths of everyone if she didn’t tell him who the kanima was. Even if that was true, saying that to your kid’s face and showing them a corpse killed by the kanima is not a good move

Kidnapped his daughter, probably traumatizing her, and implied he would be forced to kill her if she were to change into a werewolf (the last part screams conditional love. And don’t come at me with “that was season 2, he changed later.” No, he didn’t. Chris is not an ally to werewolves, only Scott, and I will fight you)

Emotionally manipulated her into not seeing Scott again by threatening to kill him. (He’s also a hypocrite because in season 1 Kate also held a gun to Scott’s head and he said that wasn’t okay. Doesn’t matter if he wasn’t going to shoot Scott, unlike his sister, threatening it is bad enough)

Allison tells Scott not to laugh when she talks about archery, she also tells Jackson not to laugh before she confides something in him. This sounds like Chris and Victoria blow her off. She still has a box of art she produced from over her life claiming all of it was terrible. It sounds like Chris and Victoria said that to her. If she really truly hated it, she probably wouldn’t keep it. At least not in her room, maybe in storage, but at the moment it’s sitting there as a reminder she’s not good enough

Hid a lot of information from her (the truth about Victoria, the hunter thing – if she was meant to carry on the job, he waited an awful long time to get her into it, but whatever. The fact that he knew about the telluric currents and Gerard being alive)

This is the big one. This is it for me. She told him she loves him and HE DOESN’T SAY IT BACK!!!!

You tell your kid you love them, especially if they say it first. He kissed her head and fucking walked away. I don’t care what your familial love language is, if you can’t tell a person that you either helped make and/or raised or whatever that you love them, don’t be a parent. That shit hurts

He didn’t go to her when she died. She died in Scott’s arms. Chris stood there and watched. Maybe he was in shock, but that doesn’t sound like very good CoMpArTmEnTaLiZiNg. That would have been a good time to say you love your kid, but no. (If you believe the unreliable narrator theory, I certainly do, maybe he did go to her, but this isn’t what we saw in the episode.)

Peter Hale

Good

Wanted to connect with his child when he found out he had one

Was willing to do a big favor for Lydia just to get the name of his child (which was a big deal to him)

Spent thousands of dollars (and we all know how stingy Peter is) to get information on her

Was willing to get burned alive again to see his daughter (6.05)

Used himself as a distraction for the Ghost Riders to save Malia. Twice (the first time was when they were in the tunnels, and then fought them again in the library)

Similarly Peter, who just got done saying he wasn’t sure how Malia could be his daughter since she lacks self-preservation instincts, is willing to potentially sacrifice himself and tells her to run

Her calling him “Dad” snapped him out of the trance

The Anuk-ite used her voice against him, meaning his greatest fear was something happening to her

Bad

Wanted Malia to kill Kate (why? He could do it. Actually, Chris should have done it but he doesn’t have the balls)

Additional notes: The show implies Peter helped out Malia during the brown out in season 5 (through a flashback in season 6), but I never understood what the significance was, so I’m ignoring that until someone can explain it to me.

Ken Yukimura

Good

Was willing to sell out Noshiko, in a way, to help Kira (“Are you sure about that?”)

Was willing to go to prison for Kira when she was (knowingly) wrongly accused of murder

Bad

Didn’t tell her about her kitsune powers until they started to manifest

Didn’t tell her they were planning to go back to New York

Dr. David Geyer

Good

Supportive of Liam and helped him work through his anger

Doesn’t blame him for getting assaulted by Scott (”Are you mad at me?” “No, of course not.”)

Clearly cares about Liam, and his friends

Additional notes: We don’t get to see him enough. I’m mad about it.

Rafael McCall

Good

Tells Scott it’s safer for him to get out of town than stay when Monroe has her army

Bad

Pushed his kid down the stairs. Doesn’t matter if he was drunk or not

Didn’t really apologize to Scott for this incident, instead he pushed the blame to Melissa

Said he would come back soon and then didn’t

Not to mention he doesn’t seem to pay child support since Melissa is struggling and he offers to have dinner with Scott so Melissa can work more shifts instead of just giving her money. But I digress

Proceeded to not spend time with Scott. No phone calls or emails were mentioned (but I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t exist. Still didn’t spend time with him, though)

Henry Tate

Good

Was gutted when his family died

Thrilled to find out Malia was alive

Bad

Sent her (?) to Eichen to readjust. That is what therapy is for, not a mental institution. (And who gave her the go ahead to go to high school with a third grade education? The fact that she graduated eventually with the academic success of a nine-year-old tells me she’s hella smart. What 9 yo wouldn’t struggle with pre-calc if they skipped all the stuff in between?)

Mr. Lahey

Bad

Abuses Isaac

Mr. Stewart

Good

When a lot of people (Natalie) didn’t believe Tracy had a real condition or problem, he did

Got her help for the problem (the psychiatrist)

Did everything he could to ease her mind (the dreamcatcher, boarding up the skylight)

Mr. Martin

Good

Went to the hospital to see Lydia

Bad

Tells Lydia she needs to choose who she lives with in the divorce

Presumed she had more problems than successes in school

Went to the hospital to see her, though he seemed a little eager to offer her help with a shower, which was creepy to me

Never to be heard from again. He likely abandoned Lydia

Elias Stilinski

Bad

Abusive and openly mocks his son and grandson (not sure how he remembered someone who was taken by the Ghost Riders)

The Moms

Melissa McCall

Good

Supports Scott no matter what

Bad

Except that one week after she found out he was a werewolf. She didn’t apologize for that either. Much like Chris, she did not express her love for her kid during that time even if she was struggling with his identity

(^ Saying forget everything I said before, if you can do something, do it is not an apology)

Her punishments are empty threats or nonexistent. She doesn’t ground him for sneaking out past curfew, does not punish him for assaulting Isaac (that’s not boys will be boys, that’s straight up assault), or stealing money from the Hales (she only demanded he give it back, no punishment ensued), took away his car keys/Stiles but then seemed to drop the punishment when she thought he was acting out because of his father)

^ Also, no Stiles is not a punishment you can follow through on

Instead of trying to have a conversation about the lone condom she found in his room with him, she goes to the MOM of the girl she ASSUMES he’s fucking. She could have been way off

She told the drunk to get out of the house, not the dad to get out of his life. Wrong. If your spouse hurts your kid, get rid of the whole man. Toodaloo motherfucker. Your stuff is in the trash

Instead of telling her son to get out of town for his safety, she tells him to stay. There is an entire army out to kill your child. He’s always going to be followed and hunted, yes, but it just seems irresponsible

I’m positive this is because the writers didn’t think it through that far or they simply forgot, but fact of the matter is it still happened. Melissa let Scott live with the man who pushed him down the stairs. Why? How are you certain it won’t happen again? How are you certain something worse couldn’t happen? I’m not giving up my kid, not for anything, not for any amount of time. If Melissa has primary physical custody, why would she let this happen?

Natalie Martin

Good

Wants Lydia to see a therapist

Electrocutes Tracy to save Lydia

Bad

“Lydia! What did you do to yourself?” sounds judgmental. Perhaps, upon seeing her daughter has cut her hand by punching the mirror, asking what happened would be more appropriate

Lets a strange boy into her house to be alone with Lydia while she’s drugged up and in negligee. Lydia can wear whatever the hell she wants, especially in her own house, but to let some rando into her room is not a good idea. And she left them alone

Says in season 4 she will do whatever she can to help and then turns around and absolutely does nothing (though this may be less of a parenting thing and more of a terrible person thing)

Sends her to Eichen House for the “best medical care.” Excuse me, ma’am, that is a mental institution, not a medical facility. Also, according to the flashback in Season 5, she saw what happened to Lorraine. I’m not sure if she’s cruel or stupid, but given everything else we know about Natalie, I’m going with both

She doesn’t care when Stiles points out Lydia has a hole in her head. She tries to justify it medically. You remember what happened to your former mother-in-law. Do you believe Lorraine did it to herself?

When Noah tells her what’s going on in Eichen, she waits all day to get Lydia out of there

When Tracy injures Lydia and Lydia tells Natalie to run, she does. She doesn’t risk her own safety to be with her child. She saves herself

Victoria Argent

Bad

“What you want doesn’t matter!” Tracks

She’s unnecessarily hard on Allison it seems (of course you shouldn’t be hard on your kid at all, but I feel Vicky was over the top)

Additional notes: I really don’t remember much about her except that she was a psycho. Some of her points are tied in with Chris.

Noshiko Yukimura

Good

Wants to get Kira help controlling the fox spirit

Bad

Hides Kira’s powers from her until they started to manifest

Sends her to the skinwalkers possibly forever (and then changes her mind)

Doesn’t tell her about the plan to move back to New York

Talia Hale

Bad

She didn’t seem like she was a comfort to Derek after he killed Paige. She told him his eyes were pretty and there was nothing wrong with them. There are definitely other things she could have said such as “It was a mercy kill, that doesn’t make you a bad person” or “She was suffering, you helped her” IDK

If Talia and Laura evolved in the same way Derek did in season 4, how come he didn’t know what was happening to him? I’m assuming Talia didn’t tell him

Additional notes: There’s no information about her as a parent, and these are mostly assumptions

Corinne

Bad

Tries to murder her daughter

Claudia Stilinski

Good

Based on Claudia pre-dementia, she would’ve believed Stiles

Additional notes: And this is according to Stiles who wanted to (rightfully) make his dad feel bad for not believing him. Which he never does. (He also yelled at Stiles unnecessarily)

[lucysweatslove]

General life/school/personal updates. Under a readmore because some touchy subjects.

I finished my second term of med school on Friday!! Very pleased it’s over. I stand by what I’ve said early on- med school has a funny way of taking something you are actually interested in and turning it soooo dry and boring that you’d be happy to never see it again. Material comes at you so fast. I can keep up with what they’re asking, but I can’t deep dive into every topic or subject the way I’d like to. This makes it super boring for me.

I’m a horrible student. Like, I’m doing better than average, so I’m not a horrible student in that regard, but I’m putting forth very little effort. I think this block, I averaged maybe 3 hrs/week outside of the required class sessions. I feel like this comes across as bragging, which I don’t mean to do… talking about it at all feels like there’s now way to win. People get upset when you lie about it (eg act like you’re studying more than you really are), but they also get upset when you’re honest? Idk.

Which also, school in general… so there are focus issues happening (I was unmedicated for a while), and I’ve been having more sensory issues, too. Like needing sunglasses in class, having trouble because everybody is so loud but if I put in earplugs I can’t hear relevant material… People know I’m autistic, and they will see me use tools to accommodate myself. But they won’t actually accommodate me, outside of when I sometimes ask for lights to be turned down during some discussions or lectures (and then proceed to laugh when I visibly jolt and cover my eyes when the lights are turned back on without warning). It’s hard to tell people to turn their voices down twenty notches. It’s easier to just remove myself from the situation entirely. And tbh, I don’t know that I feel safe with my classmates in general. Not that my physical safety is ever in question (I know so many across the world are in physical danger), but that I don’t feel like I belong, that I’m respected, valued, and wanted. It’s lonely and isolating.

I’m also having some body issues as of late. I haven’t been to the gym since school started, which is mostly just because of timing issues. I’ve put on a little more weight, and while that’s not USUALLY a problem, I’m having a hard time navigating it again. When I’m in class or doing something clinical, I’m very aware that I’m being perceived. It’s not just me- it’s my body. Im seen first and foremost as a body with a gender. Im a feminine person, always identified as a woman by others, but my body is fat in a not socially accepted way. The only way to have my body be more socially accepted is to play into the femininity, which I don’t mind in and of itself, but others see femininity as a mark of womanhood rather than just being a general aesthetic… so when I play into femininity to avoid being treated as poorly, im even more gendered. If I try doing anything/dressing more masculine, it doesn’t “cancel out” into neutral. It adds- a slightly more masculine fat woman, still very far from hat “ideas.” Honestly it hasn’t been terrible just performing womanhood, but I miss the days where I was “kid in the pink jacket” and not “fat woman” with all these judgments.

So anyway, I want to start working out again because I know it’s better for my health, but I would be lying if I said I also didn’t desperately wish I had my old body back that was just feminine enough to play into it when I wanted but mostly wasn’t seen as anything major by anybody. The body I had when people just saw my ideas and mind and not a gender or a body shape. When I didn’t have to play into a gender to have my body accepted by society…

Which means that if i did start going back to the gym, my brain will start linking automatically and there is a high chance that i will be using gym not to be healthier but to influence my body which can easily devolve into exercise purging and disordered eating.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if this is how some alcoholics feel. Any small amount of diet-y behavior, like even a sip of alcohol, can trigger relapse. But even non-dieting “diet adjacent” behaviors can do it too. Anything tangentially related could trigger it. Going back the gym, while not inherently dangerous for most people, is so heavily associated with body control, weight loss, calorie counting, exercise purging, etc, that my mind can easily jump back into ED land when I engage in it.

So… yeah. A lot to think about lately. Glad I have a couple weeks off school at least.

[eviligo-archive]

I need to hear about your complicated feelings on z I am so curious i know next to nothing about this woman

ok.

so like, first off: i am disgustingly, parasocially, insanely jealous of her. let me just get that out of the way. it is an irrational jealousy because i have zero chance of having any relationship with matt and i have no delusions otherwise. i’m 29 years old with a full time job and extensive therapy under my belt and i am FULLY aware that my infatuation with matt is at its worst borderline unhealthy. so let me just say all that up front, i am extremely self aware and if anyone reads this and wants to send me hate just know you’re not going to be telling me anything i don’t know

i do not HATE zeph, but i do not like her. my first exposure to her was the noob dude video like many other people but i know she had a career before matt. but i’m not kidding when i say that the SECOND i saw her in that video i knew they’d end up dating. call it a gut feeling. then the twitter interactions followed and i was convinced if not in denial. to be fair their interactions, and their platonic friendship, was cute. they’re both a little annoying and mentally ill and terminally online

plus, their interactions gifted me with this, which i will cherish forever

and she gave me this

which, again, i hold so near and dear to my heart. but i won’t get into why, i’m sure you can interpret it

but before they ever got together i would get recommended zeph’s tweets CONSTANTLY. all the time. and each one made me roll my eyes. i muted her long before we found out they were dating. she just annoyed the absolute shit out of me. she tried too hard to appeal to a certain crowd, you know what i mean, the twitter-brained depressed queer 20-something women/enbies. the type that make their entire personality a mitski song. but that’s ok, it’s just not for me but there’s an audience for it, whatever, she wasn’t hurting anybody. i phased her out of my timeline and got to pretend she didn’t exist for a while. it was fine.

that was really where it started. i found her really fucking annoying, and she was quickly becoming close with matt, and i was jealous.

when we found out they were dating, officially, through a stream matt did with jim and luke where he let it slip that he had a girlfriend (and we were pretty sure he and annabel had broken up at that point) of course it bothered me. i already didn’t like her. and i just kind of sat in that for a while. they weren’t exactly public with their relationship but she alluded to him constantly on her social media, both positively (talked about his big dick) and negatively

and then she posted an…instagram story? on her priv? i think. that or her one of her twitters. about how he wasn’t paying her enough attention while he was on tour, talking about how she texted him she missed him and he didn’t respond immediately but when he did he was short with her. and on another occasion she compared her bpd to owning a dog.

“Imagine you were about to get a dog, but then the dog was like "STOP: I have a million health problems and I will cost a lot at the vet. And I'll tear up all your furniture. And I'll still love you and be cute but I'll be really hard to take care of.” And then the person ignores all that and is like, "I got it," because the dog's just cute. So what I'm saying is that if I warn you from the beginning and you STILL hurt my feelings, I don't think that's a me problem anymore.”

this was within the first couple months of her relationship. and it is so, so manipulative. i can’t help but draw parallels to leighton with his bpd and lex with her mental health, and refusing to take accountability. plus, knowing what we know now, with the cheating, it really recontextualizes things. sheds some light.

like i said before, i don’t think a relationship built on a wobbly foundation of cheating and emotional manipulation will last. but on the other hand she stuck with him through the last three months, while she caught some strays too. you can’t undervalue the sort of bond that can forge. plus she gets 24/7 unrestricted access to him now, which satisfies her insecurities.

there’s other, more personal gripes. i have a problem when men trade in their girlfriends for a younger, slimmer model. i think matt falls too hard, too fast, and mistakes strong affection for love. he is not without his faults here. they both have their own shit and i think they could be a powder keg. i hate how she does her makeup and think she looks so much better without it, but i have an issue with makeup culture in general. again—this is more personal stuff.

i want to stress that i DO NOT advocate sending zeph hate, or prying into her personal life that she does not share online. she’s just a mentally ill 20-something living in california. whatever happens will happen

[hashtag-anthems]

im intrigued by cars 2 as a comfort movie bc cars 2 is how i met my best friend

Okay so there’s a story actually.

I loved the first Cars movie. When I heard there was a sequel, I was ecstatic. My parents made plans with my mom’s best friend and her husband to take all of us kids to go see it. It was going to be me, and my mom’s friend’s two daughters and one son.

We meet at their house because my mom’s friend and her husband don’t drive, so we were gonna carpool to the theater. I should have guessed something was wrong when we only took the Trailblazer (seats 5) instead of two vehicles when there were 8 people total.

We get there, and my mom sends me inside to let them know we’re here, and I do so, and I am all ready to go see this movie. My mom’s friend, her husband, and their son go out to the car, which is now full. I realize the problem.

They had not counted on the girls (I wasn’t aware that nonbinary was a thing you could be at that age lol) wanting to see the movie and had only brought one car. I watched the car pull out of the driveway with tears in my eyes. I was inconsolable as they left me at my friends’ house and went to see the movie without me.

I inform my mother that this was unacceptable when she returns. She should have known that I wanted to see that movie. Aside from the fact that I had explicitly told her yes I want to see this movie, I watched Cars on DVD all the time. I watched NASCAR with my stepdad (I liked Kyle Busch bc he had all the Mars candy sponsorships, and I liked M&Ms and my stepdad HATED him so I doubled down and got posters and stuff for my bedroom walls). And it was a spy movie????? Of course I wanted to see it! Her response: “I thought you would rather hang out with the girls, and they didn’t want to go see it.”

I love them both and I do not blame them for this travesty at all but fuck my lifelong best friends! I wanted to see Cars 2!

Unfortunately, we had waited until it was almost out of theaters to see it when tickets were cheap, so there wasn’t time to take me to see it before it left theaters. This objectively mediocre sequel to a movie about sentient vehicles became my forbidden fruit. I had to see it. Unfortunately, I was *checks year this movie came out* 13 years old and did not have stable income or a way to transport myself to the theater before the movie left theaters.

Finally, the day comes that Cars 2 releases on-demand on our cable package. This was before the DVD release, but after it had left theaters. I approach my mother with this information, and she agrees to purchase it on-demand, once.

This is my chance. I may not have gotten to see it on the big screen, but we never bought movies on demand. We were lucky if we got to rent something from Redbox for a dollar on Saturday and then hurry to return it before church on Sunday so we wouldn’t get charged extra. This was big. My mom knew she had fucked up, and she was performing her acts of penance in a last ditch bid for my new-teenager mercy. The dynamic is changing, and this is her chance to get back on my good side.

I am glued to the screen the whole time. It was broad daylight and sometimes it was hard to make out the screen because the way our house was built the sun was facing the east so around 10 am every day you could not see the TV unless you closed the curtains and my family said no I couldn’t do that it was a beautiful day and I needed sunlight for my health.

When the movie ends and the credits roll, I get on the family computer (I will not own my own device capable of running iTunes until Christmas of that year) and purchase two songs from the soundtrack with my last $3 in iTunes gift cards. I am appeased.

That Christmas I got the DVD and now I make a habit of watching it every year on my birthday. I think it’s hilarious. I can recite it from memory. My friends are confused and bewildered. I will forever mourn not getting to see it in theaters. I think I legitimately feel worse about missing Cars 2 in theaters than I do about not getting to see Promare in theaters bc Promare is becoming a cult classic and will probably come back to theaters at some point but I know that no one in their right mind would ever put on another theatrical release of Cars 2.

In hindsight we should have figured out I was ADHD a lot sooner.

[hobbitprincess]

I want to try to get back into writing a little bit on here. I’m not even sure if anyone reads text posts like this anymore, but oh well!

My mental health has been a huge puzzle to me, especially since becoming an adult. I think the structure of my life before that helped me enough that I could mask my neurodivergence really well, to the point that nobody would have thought I was much different from the average kid/teen. But as an adult it has been puzzle after puzzle. I was never a nervous person when I was younger-- shy, yes, but also social as long as someone else did the friend-making for me. Now I have anxiety, which kicked in when I was 18 and which I mostly have in check, but several years later I learn that I have inattentive ADHD (not officially diagnosed yet-- long story, but I am working on it, but the assessment a telehealth doctor gave me to take [as well as the dozens I took online] resulted in a resounding “yup!”) and who knows if that’s it. I just know I have a lot of issues with things that I wrote off for years and years as my own ineptitude, and that I struggled because of it. I struggled in school because I didn’t have the awareness that I needed accommodation, scraping through my university education and getting a ton of help from my partner, who cooked dinner for us every night and cheered me on. I struggle to do my daily responsibilities because I only have so much ability to do so (spoon theory??) and that also makes it increasingly hard to do the things I WANT to do. I struggle with confidence because why the fuck is this so hard for me?

Here’s an example from today:

Today is my Sunday. I rested all day yesterday after a very busy week at work, fixing everything that my boss and I missed while we were out with COVID. I have lingering fatigue from that, and run out of energy even quicker than usual, so I made sure to rest all day yesterday. It has been storming (a bomb cyclone has been hitting Northern California) so household tasks are really staring at me. I want to pare down my belongings because 1) it’s nice to not have clutter and 2) we are moving out of this area this year and I want to make that transition as easy as possible. So I organized 2 dresser drawers and all but the floor of my closet, which sounds like a lot but wasn’t that bad... but the problem is that now I am exhausted, and the fun errand I wanted to run (which included picking up lunch since I haven’t really eaten) is now a Huge Dreadful Thing. I was looking forward to it all weekend and now here I am. And I still have to do laundry for the week which actually makes me want to rip my hair out.

I know I can do all of this. It is 4 things but it feels like 10. Because running a quick errand means I also have to get dressed properly, drive to the next town over, do the errands (return something and pick out the correct thing, along with some stickers for my new planner!), get food, and then come home and handle laundry. But then the task paralysis kicks in and my brain is just like “how about we panic instead?”

I know this only happens this bad when I’m alone. When others are present I can do as they do and appear just fine. Maybe a little anxious, but not as bad. But my partner is at work and I am left to my own devices.

It’s just difficult. And I am working on finding a new counselor/therapist/whoever to talk to, since mine abruptly left the company I was getting treatment through and then I left abruptly. But I have a lot of goals for this year (namely finding a remote job in my field and moving) and ways I want my life to look and I am just tired of everything feeling so difficult. And feeling stupid when I talk about it when I know very well that I just need assistance and to learn how to accommodate myself. And this particular thing isn’t even all of it: there’s sensory issues, the panic/meltdowns when I get overstimulated, the rejection sensitivity, the incredible struggle to make friends...

If you read all that, thank you. If you’re in a similar boat, I get it. And if you have advice, I’m all ears. I’m not down or anything, it’s just an ongoing frustration I’m trying to put into words more often. I just want to figure out the structure I need.

I hope you’re having a good day :)

[dhdudhdjjdjdjd]

If you made it to this blog it means you have an interest in me. Which I would assume it means you want to be friends. Any other reason you have to look at my blog would be really weird (besides donating)

If you saw what I posted before this, no you didn’t.

Anyway I would mutually like to be friends again or for the first time. I am not going to come to you first because if I make another person uncomfortable with my presence or if they’re short with me I am going to have a bad week

No pressure and I don’t want anyone to come to me I don’t know how to change anything I just 🧠

I miss some people a lot

Sensitive topic: my partner has improved beyond anyone’s expectations, and my relationship with my partner has improved beyond what many would expect for the type of relationship we’ve had. We have hit a peak in our relationship and in our mental health that we’ve never reached before. My partner has improved as a person beyond what I would have thought possible in 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, and even 2022. We have spent hours and hours and hours, days worth of hours, talking and understanding, which has helped me get really good at having difficult conversations. I’m not talking about arguments. I don’t know how to start them or approach them, I often don’t want to, but I think I can have them. We understand a lot about what causes our worst behavior and we don’t blame other people for how they think about us or feel about us. We’ve grown a lot. You’re rolling your eyes, you’re disgusted. I’m assuming. But you would probably really like him.

I know you know a lot because of the obvious reasons and in spite of the pain and shame I would like to keep trying because I like you, if we are still friends on Facebook or you aren’t blocked, so long as I don’t hurt people in the process or force them into an uncomfortable situation.

I think some of us are going to feel pain no matter what because life sucks but that could be an assumption and fart big fart huge farts and I fart all the time. I love friendship and people. Life doesn’t just suck.

I will regret writing this but ultimately i do feel and think this way.

I have a problem with being observed and talked about rather than talked to.

I experience resentment but nothing major and it’s not a major part of how I feel overall. I assume that’s true for everyone, idk how much, but I also want to emphasize that assumptions can make people really stupid.

I’m also aware there’s been misinformation spread about me and I don’t know what it is. My partner was told something that wasn’t true about me by someone he went to preschool with but he didn’t want to tell me because it would upset me and stay on my mind. If the person I’ve spent so much time complaining about is considered a valid source of information about me but you can’t have a direct conversation with me about any of it, you might as well never look at my blog again and kick me out of the group chat.

I accuse her of lying. I accuse her of pretending her lies are false assumptions because she was just naive and innocent all along, every time, over and over. She is a weaver of lies. She is a liar. She lies a lot. She is a teller of lies. She tells lies. She says things that aren’t true while knowing they aren’t true. Plausible deniability. She likes having dirt on people. She likes knowing things she can use against people. She uses people. She likes having power over people. She doesn’t want to be aggressive about it. She wants to be as innocent as possible. She also separates people and turns them against each other. This is the impression I got of her from our friendship, in hindsight. I did not think this way until someone told me what she had done to other people. Then everything that happened that confused me made sense. I doubted myself before then, but I was angry. I was angry and doubted myself, but then I got really angry when I knew for sure. She makes me very angry. I crossed this out because FML for another rant I didn’t want to write. I acknowledge that some of this may be wrong, some of what happened was caused by mental illness, but the last time I saw her she said a few things that bothered me again and they fit what I think of her and I think I’m right. But I encourage others to form their own opinions without completely believing either of us.

And the reason I’m saying this is because of what she told someone who told my partner.

So I just spent over 2 hours writing and i don’t feel good about it and whatever. I hope this time wasn’t really wasted.

Anyway. No pressure.

Blah

[miguenhasthoughts]

07/07

How long has it been? Emotional turmoil has been a stranger recently and I have been more lost in familiar motions. The summer heat has been most opposed to my good mood. It surprises me when people want to go out in this blistering heat if they don’t have to. Though I say that about the storms in the winter… maybe I am projecting my preferred hermit lifestyle onto others.

I have been more active in this summer than those of years past. I’ve been going out to get drinks, dressing up, going out to the water, roller skating of all things. So maybe I’m not the hermit I aspire to be. I’m trying to challenge myself this year to be more proactive in things in my life. Financially it has been hard. And I feel winded at times by that aspect. This year I’m trying to focus on my mental health, despite the looming threats by the powers that be. God I hate this country. I just want a roof over my head with AC, to love who I love and to be who I am out in public. To get the healthcare I deserve and just live a fulfilling life. The world is so cruel. I guess saying the heat is my only enemy currently is another contradiction when this year is burdening everyone in this country with a fucked up choice. I just want to wear a sundress and feel the wind on my skin.

Despite the awful start to this year we have upsides. I have a girlfriend! I should say partner but she views me as her girlfriend and it is so validating to be in a lesbian relationship. She so sweet with a big heart and is really crafty and creative. I’ve never met such a reliable problem solver. She is also really emotionally intelligent that I respect the hell of.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t aware of the damage my last break up did to me. I still get insecure that I’m missing something and they will leave me without a word. All of my abandonment issues came rushing back when Micah ghosted me. Whenever I get the feeling of insecurity I have been addressing in by talking my anxiety down and trying to rationalize every assumption. It is exhausting and it tears me up. If May and I do break up I just want to make sure they are better than when we found each other. That we built each other up and if we ever found ourselves on separate paths that it was amicable.

Maybe it is because Micah has a birthday coming up and that is why they happen to be on my mind. They haven’t been for weeks. Yet I still feel a form of guilt that our relationship probably took a toll on their health and the cost of seeing me was grander than the enjoyment of the relationship. I never wanted them to be burdened by the relationship and I still wish there was closure.

Navigating my relationship with Sam has been complex. With my low libido and low amounts of time, it is hard to show physical affection and I worry that emotional and social affection isn’t enough for them. Or at least it activates their insecurities where they think I am disinterested. Which I admit is fair, without the intimacy it does feel like we are just going through the motions as roommates that sleep in the same bed and share a car and pets. We have our own activities and even spending time 1 on 1 isn’t always viable each week. I have been putting in effort to appease those needs that I know they have but I am sure it is noticeably forced. Beyond that we are good tho. We don’t argue or fight, we are just in a rut with each other.

On the other side of the coin Sam has been spending more time with their partner Barry. And I think his age and maturity is becoming more apparent for Sam. He comes from a neglectful home and hasn’t had a healthy social life growing up. These situations happen and he shouldn’t have to feel insecure about but Sam has been getting increasingly frustrated when they are showing Barry the give and pull of relationships require Barry would rather bury his head in the sand and hide behind his trauma then working on himself if it’d help the relationship. Which to me sounds about right for a young white man who is barely in his twenties. Not saying he won’t grow out of it or even that it’s the issue but it is part of growing pains that I am too sure if Sam has the patience for. It’s been interesting trying to play defense for Barry while also validating Sam’s emotions to make sure they both have a healthy outcome from their current spats.

[abc-felixx]

I dreamt I had a boat and brought it to the dock, I dreamt of having a big glass red lantern that could play music, I had other things too. I was waiting for my friends, there was more dream before this I just simply can’t remember. I dreamt that it wasn’t gonna happen, I was waiting as if it were a test. I think I was going to retreat the boat Idk. there was a huge group of people who came down to the dock, alluring like circus friendship. they all got in the water and filmed whatever they were making. I got in the water too, they let me take polaroids of them and chat. I remember diving, plunging, the water was so beautiful. my little sister was there, she was dressed up too with the circus. I got a polaroid of her. I don’t remember really talking, just more so them coming and going, and how much I miss water. and nature. and freedom, maybe that’s what I need. I kept walking through spiderwebs in those desire paths, spiderwebs that were thick and held bugs that I’d have to pick off the skin. They left, I didn’t know what’s up with my friends. Awake, I know I’m really starting to miss going out, the shows, the urban night. It’s flashing lights, dense places, it’s like magic and it’s where all my problems wash away. I can focus on nothing but the playful energy of the night and even expressing myself without hiding behind multiple curtains, sometimes I feel I’m only myself then. It’s not very often I feel content perhaps, the feeling keeps dissipating. Whether that’s age or the time I live in or a curse or my circumstances, my mistakes, my disposition or once again age. Or maybe deep down I’m always scared and feel this pressure, just the simple pressure of being alive. It’s the pressure I feel towards responsibilities, towards my social life, towards going to school, showing up to work (on time, and then doing the job), even staying in contact with family, with doctors, with the legal system, and driving my car. What if I stopped showing up, what if I stopped calling, what if I didn’t do anything? I’d get a warrant, I’d lose respect, I’d lose my entire life, my everything, my even striving for sense of purpose. It’s all so hard to build up, to create a foundation and get so far, but then it could fall so easily, so fast. That’s the pressure, the all the time forever pressure. You may say I’m being pessimistic, life is or can be the slippery slope that academics would call a fallacy. The pressure is a sandcastle and I’m kicking it, if not then it shall wash away. I’m not sure what that means. Last thought is, what the fuck, life is one big pressure, or is it just the epitome of anxiety and one’s ability to cope and deal with it? It just pisses me off that no matter how hard I work, I’m still in a hole, the hole is digging bigger actually. I work so hard and somehow I have less, I wasn’t made to have my life revolve around money. I share my narrow point of view on life, I’m aware I’m being close-minded, but I’m poor, getting poorer, I’m busy, getting busier, and the system works against me, at least I have health insurance that covers some things. The stress of thinking forward, the anxiety of thinking back, and the present dragging of feet, the present where I don’t do anything but think. I realize I only get like this when life starts to feel like pressure, life is not pressure actually. Life starts to feel like pressure maybe when well, I won’t say. It’s a big ball of pressure, but when I’m better it’ll all feel small and easy, as it should be because these aren’t tasks that should carry such burden or weight. Hit me up soon or I’ll update when this changes, my world view is constantly shifting in waves or currents of my states. I talk optimism next, when I get back there. The endless hustle, struggle, and grind, it’s gonna be great. Money does buy happiness, the cap is $75k a year, after that money doesn’t buy happiness just by the way. Also, in my dream, the dock was private property and I ended up getting in trouble for trespassing.

[the-crisscrossed-system]

I know this blog is about our DID but I need to take a moment to vent about some of the other things we deal with and my experiences with them as a part that hasn’t been around in a while (In case you’ve been following along, yes I’m the same unnamed part from previous posts. I’m still around. It’s been rough, what can I say?)

So we have EDS and POTS. I was told this by our partner. I did not know we had names for these experiences until they told me the other day. They told me because I’ve been dealing with the symptoms of these illnesses since I got here. I’ve been in constant pain, by joints have been aching and doing that partial dislocation thing, I’ve had a headache damn near daily, I keep feeling faint; all in all I’ve been roughly pushed into the deep end of our physical health. But that’s the thing, I’ve never experienced our health be this bad before. The last time I was around for a significant amount of time by myself was high school. And yes we had issues here or there. Our one knee has been dislocating since middle school. Our wrists would hurt if we were writing too much for class or homework and a lot of the time we’d almost faint after getting out of the shower. But it was never this bad. I never experienced it this bad. And that’s shocking to me.

It’s been years since I’ve been solidly around. I was around like two or three times in college but they were all short periods where I wasn’t alone and was distracted by my trauma or some life event. This is the first time since high school that I’ve been able to sit in the body and live in it and feel my shoulder pop every time I move it and feel faint every time I stand and all of that fun shit that those who are around have called their life.

In the past couple of days I’ve essentially had to start coming to terms with the fact that I’m disabled. Now again, we’ve had some sort of problem most of our life, we’ve never lived normally, we have always felt like we were missing out and have mourned a lot of “normal kid/teen things” we never got to do but this is the first time I have had to sit with the fact that I have chronic illnesses that have names and affect me daily. I’m doing what I’m sure those of us who live life normally did a long time ago. And yes, I’m struggling with that a bit. Maybe I am in a bit of denial. Maybe some part of me believed that things would have gotten better in the years that I wasn’t around. That something would have helped. But it hasn’t. And I need to accept that. I’m disabled. We’re disabled. And I have to accept that.

I think one of the worst things about this is that I know deep down this won’t be the last time we go through this. Someone else like me, someone who hasn’t been around in a while will most likely be doing exactly what I’m doing now at some point in the future because of how DID works. We will probably cycle through this mourning process a lot more throughout our life and that’s hard to think about.

As a side note I want to point out that no, I wasn’t having this same crisis about the knowledge that hey, we have DID. It has a name. Because I knew I was a part of a whole long before the host knew that. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t know right away, but some time in high school I was self aware enough to figure out that something was wrong and went from there. And then when I was around in college those few times I found out it had a name and blah blah blah. Now don’t expect me to use proper names or terminology for anything at all. I’m not knowledgeable like that and am only using words and terms and descriptions that feel right and convey my experiences. So don’t get your torches and pitchforks out or anything over incorrect terminology. I’m just some guy, okay?

[perpetualoutkast]

Well, Let’s Ponder That?

Why don’t you try to actually reach out personally, and apologize sincerely for the wrongs you chose to inflict. Maybe, afterwards we can then talk like two human beings. It’s not too much, to own up to your faults.

As with you, also everyone else who can’t be real with their actions. I’m not going to continue having one sided conversations & interactions. This part though, always seems to be where people don’t want to deal with what they’ve caused.

I can be forgiving, but I’ve said numerous times, that you have to come clean from your transgressions. This wasn’t a solo act, so I’m not the only one. Everybody always pointing fingers, but refusing themselves to be a productive part of the conversation.

Think of all the simple things, answers to questions, being honest & not breaking deals. Very easy & un hard things, even a young kid could accomplish on their own. The walls that are constructed are not my own, but by others to shield their own demons. It was all great when I was blind to everything, but I can’t unsee or somehow unknowingly forget it all.

I’m not the victim, but trying to be the healer of issues people hold. This whole thing started with me asking for clarifications on the actions of others. Trying to continually deflect it back only upon myself, is only perpetuating it all. With some it only revolves around one thing, which is the crux of the issue.

When people can post vids of someone without consent, that seems not be an issue at all. Yet, me doing things with them cut out of it all, now is such a bad thing. I am amazed what is seen as a non problem action versus a problematic action in this whole episode.

You’re going to have to face it sooner or later, because I’m not leaving anyone behind. We are all going together & that’s breaking the generational curse. It’s really cheap to say all the things in songs over all the years, but not once to me. Expecting me to what, just somehow know that and connect dots? Not one of you has shown any ability to understand he issues at hand.

When I came around after my trauma experience & then so everyone as two or more people, it was hard to figure out if my mind was just fucked up. Yet when I reach or confront those people about things, instead of getting clarity, I’m made out to be some crazy person so to keep up the secrecy.

When I tried with one, to put bygones behind us with a New Years celebration, how’d that end up? Over what? Yes, dumb things but can’t just constructively talk about it all. My voices don’t stop & I overthink because the things dangled in front of me. Then when I inquire, it’s like I’m so horrible for wanting to put in the missing pieces.

A single conversation can end so many issues & mental problems, but also show the part you played. Many people lied & did rotten things. Someone goes through my phone & then goes gossiping about, but hasn’t come to me or asked for full clarity. Then everyone makes up their own interpretations without asking me if even right.

I’ll go back to the biggest problem, with throwing kids in my face that I knew nothing about. Somehow though, everyone else is aware of all of that. They are my number one priority, even if they refuse to talk or have anything to do with myself. Except, that hangs in limbo cause it’s kept a secret away from me.

I’ve made amends with my actions & things with others. I’ve openly shown all what I feel, hoping to get those to do their parts. I’m not suffering things to heal from health wise. I’m suffering being confused & not fully certain on what is missing from my full understanding. It’s been the issue from the beginning, I’ve had to chase down things I never should of ever needed to do.

It goes to great lengths to fix my trust issues with people. Which for me is a big issue I have isolated & stay silent. I don’t feel comfortable around people, do to all the lies, secrets, and refusals to talk things out. Don’t be afraid of what you did, just own it. I did everything asked of me & wanted of me, which absolutely got me nowhere. Instead, they were used against me in many different ways. They were also not my desires but another’s, and then they all tried to paint as that person based on what someone else desired, not me.

Like being brainwashed & then being accosted for that, but it was not your control. That’s why, I’m going back to the old me, circa 2007 before that even happened. How you attack & hurt the one person, who is doing everything you want to please you, is always a bewildering phenomenon. Hen you took all my dreams & turned them into nightmares.

I’m not even mad though, I just desire honesty & the truth. Truth is, if you had feelings for me or respected me, you’d just do that cause it’s right. I’m not at fault for you fumbling a gift wrapped situation. Butter fingers are the result of your own issues & should be addressed. Maybe what you seek is found in you salvation of that burden of what you’ve done.

I want to be a better person for it all & help you become better for seeing my truth. It’s like, how can you fix or address something, while being forbidden to talk to them? That’s just so crazy cray cray. People will never know, if they can’t take the time to ask or find that all out. Im presently available for the ones who want to move forward.

I’m retiring myself from one area to put more focus on myself being me again. It was always going to be shut down, I was just waiting to feel normal with myself again & get my feet under me. Now, I’m just walking away from it all & other things that aren’t my thing.

Dance lessons with Britney, is my new go to fav pastime. Dancing with the Stars, come on miss thang! They say old dogs can’t learn new tricks, but I think we could show them something. Two looney mentally crazies, showing the world, we are fine the way we are. It’s ok to be a little cray cray, dance therapy is all you really need.

You need to move out of California, that legal system is not conducive to your longevity. Cause, it always only takes one case, to strip it all away again. Just like I need to get myself out of this area, for my mental state. If you ever feel boxed in by everyone around you, I’m always on your side. You should shut them all up & show them who’s still the Queen of pop.