#I realize that me not freaking out is the bare minimum I can do

[skinreflectsthesun]

Yesterday beba was just not having it, he was fussy and crying and thrashing, he was upset because I took his puffs away so we could have dinner, and I really had a moment where I was so triggered. I had to walk away and take a deep breath. I had to take the time and imagine myself handling this well and not completely losing it. And I did that, I came back to him while he was still crying and thrashing and picked him up and sat him on my lap and hugged him and just tried to soothe him. Telling him I understand and I know you had a long day and it’s okay to be upset and I’m here. This was more for me than him because I know he doesn’t understand. But he calmed down and rested his head on my shoulder, his face was still covered in tears and his cheeks were pink. He was having a hard time and he needed me in that moment to be the solid unshakeable foundation, and I did that, I stayed calm even though I was overwhelmed, even though my childhood experiences pulled at my sleeve, I brushed it off and remembered that he was having a hard time and he needed me.

[pretty-circa006]

Sex Ed

Coach! Negan x Student! F! Reader summary You have some follow up questions after Coach Negan's sex ed class tags student teacher relationship, age gap (reader is 18 negan is like pushing 40?), blowjob, pet names

wc: 1.9k

note i tried a little something new when writing this, can you tell what it is?

*you are responsible for your own content consumption. if this is something you DO NOT like, simply DO NOT read or interact! :) *

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Negan glowers at the students of his gym class sitting in the bleachers before him. They're all laughing like fools and making crude jokes that only displayed their immaturity. Seniors, they were supposed to be, but a majority of them acted like foolish middle schoolers.

"Listen up you dumb little sacks of shit!" he shouts. The students all quiet down, some getting startled by the loudness of his voice before doing so.

"I know a majority of you kids, well, technically young adults, are too immature to handle this shit, but the displeasure of teaching it to you has unfortunately been bestowed upon me." He slams his large hand on the whiteboard on wheels, bringing his students' focus to the topic of today's lesson; sex ed. His hazel-green eyes scan his audience with distain, daring them to say anything stupid- nobody did, which is a relief. But that relief instantaneously turned into dread when his eyes landed on her. From her seat in the center of the bleachers, she stares at Negan while seductively biting her finger and giving him sultry bedroom eyes.

He sighs to himself, quickly averting his gaze. She was always, always looking at him like that. Like she's an apex predator and he's the prey she'd been stalking, waiting to pounce and feast on his flesh. At first, it freaked him out, constantly feeling her eyes boring into his skin. But it quickly became flattering to know he had a little admirer. She's always the first to his class, the first to pay attention to him, the last to leave, and the only student to frequent his office. If that's all she did, she would have been just been a girl with an innocent little crush. But her crush was anything but little or innocent. He should have been able to realize that when she'd show up to every gym class in the world's tiniest shorts. If not then, he should at least have noticed when she'd spend excessive amounts of time in his office. He brushed all that off, though, assuming the shorts weren't for him and that she just liked his office for the air conditioning and bowl of candy on his desk.

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The lesson went by fairly smooth. Not many stupid joked were cracked, which was a win for Negan.

"Grab a complementary condom on your way out," he says as students get up from the bleachers, "and if you have any extra questions, you can come see me." He internally cringes at that last part. The internet was a thing and if students wanted to know something, they should look it up themselves instead of prolonging this awkward moment for him. But he had to do at least the bare minimum of what his job required him to do.

Thankfully, the students were just filing past him, some stopping to grab handfuls of condoms, and none of them stop to talk to him. The gymnasium is finally empty without a student in sight. Negan's honestly surprised she didn't stick around after class like she usually did, but he couldn't complain. He pushes his whiteboard back into his office and shuts the door behind him, ready to wind down and catch up on some work.

"Hey Coach."

"Jesus H. fuckin' Christ, kid!" A startled Negan shouts, hand clutching his heart. He finally notices the girl sitting at his desk in his chair with her feet propped up comfortably on the desk. He can't keep his eyes from scanning her legs, the smooth skin fully exposed from upper thigh to ankle.

She lets out a little giggle before her face returns to that usual seductive look.

"I had a question 'bout today's lesson," she tells him. Negan sighs and rubs a hand down his face, anticipating something wildly inappropriate to come from her mouth.

"Goddammit, kid, what is it?" he asks hesitantly.

"First off, stop calling me kid. I am eighteen," she explains, holding up a finger. "Second," she puts up another finger, "I want you to teach me something."

"That's not a question." She rolls her eyes at him and takes her feet off the desk.

"Will you teach me to give a blowjob?" Negan's eyebrows shoot up at the same time his eyes widen. She's dead serious too, looking at him with wide, hopeful eyes. Those same eyes drift from his down to the growing bulge in his gym shorts. She squeezes her thighs together and bites her lip.

"Darlin', you do know that what you're askin of me is wildly fuckin' inappropriate, right?" He's supposed to be serious, but the dimpled smirk on his face sends another message.

"You're supposed to be teaching sex ed, ain't ya?" she argues. His tongue swipes across his bottom lip, only riling up the oversexed girl even more.

"Inappropriateness aside, you couldn't handle all this," he says, motioning to his growing boner.

A smug smile makes its way across her face. She gets out of his chair, kneels in front of it, and pats the cushion, silently demanding him to take a seat. He takes a peak at her cute little ass that her tiny gym shorts were barely doing anything to cover. He figures that if he gives in to her demands, she'll realize that she, in fact, cannot handle what he's packing and will back off. He didn't particularly want her to shy away from him, but her forward behavior would pose a threat to his job sooner or later and he's not eager to get fired.

Fuck it. He locks the door to his office and sits in his chair. She's looking up at him through her long lashes, excitement radiating off of her.

"Well, ya can't suck my fuckin' dick through my fuckin' shorts."

"Oh. Right!" Her shaky hands reach toward the waistband of his gym shorts and he lifts his hips so she can pull them down just enough to free his cock. She lets out a little gasp when the large member springs up and slaps his abdomen. For the first time, her seductive, siren-like facade starts to slip, revealing a nervous, inexperienced girl. With a smug smirk on his face, he looks down at her. She talked so much game, but when it came time to play, she didn't even know how.

"I...I asked you to teach me, didn't I?!" she squeaks. She's embarrassed at how dumb she's sure she looks and even more so at the fact Negan's getting a kick out of this.

"Spit in your hand, doll. Then stroke it a few times," he instructs. She apprehensively spits a glob of saliva into her palm before gently wrapping her hand around him. She's mesmerized by his size, so thick her fingers couldn't touch. As she shyly moves her hand up and down his shaft, she occasionally glances up at him in search for his approval. There is none. He's unamused as he watches her. His wraps his larger hand around her smaller one and squeezes it tighter around his dick.

"Gotta put more presser than that, sweetheart, 'cause I can't feel a damn thing."

She nods her head and he removes his hand, letting her try again on her own. With her hand wrapped more tightly around his cock, she can feel every ridge of his veins rubbing against her fingers. Negan lets out a seemingly satisfied sigh which encouraged her to go faster. Her mouth makes an 'o' shape when she sees precum leaking from his reddening tip. She impulsively brings her head down to him and experimentally kitten licks the precum, before taking the entire tip into her mouth. She looks up at him again, but he's already looking down at her with lust darkened eyes.

"Go on, baby, you can fit more of me in that sweet little mouth of yours," he taunts. She lowers her head until his tip makes contact with the back of her throat, but even then he's not all the way in. His thick, throbbing member fills her mouth, resting heavily on her tongue. With more confidence, she begins bobbing her head up and down. Negan's hand grips a handful of her hair and stops her.

"Don't use your teeth," he corrects her. She chokes a 'sorry,' out from around his cock, the vibration from it feeling good. In her effort to not use any teeth, she hollows her cheeks, the spongy flesh of their insides caressing Negan as she bobs her head. With the hand that's still gripping her hair, Negan forces her to go a little faster, but doesn't push her all the way down on his cock. She picks up the pace on her own, causing Negan's grip to relax.

"That's it, darlin', you're takin' my cock so fuckin' good right now." Her nails dig into his thighs as she continues despite the pain in her tired jaw. His praise sends a wave of heat directly to her core causing her neglected cunt to clench over nothing. But his praise wasn't enough. She wants to hear his pleasure, to hear him moan and come undone in her mouth. She forces the remaining inches of him down her throat, but she immediately regrets it when she gags around him. But she's already in too deep and wouldn't dare dream of quitting now.

"Holy fuckin' shit, doll!" he pleasurably groans, "you are a goddamn dick suckin' natural!" She can feel him twitch inside her mouth, a telltale sign that he's close. Her own cunt throbs, despite receiving no attention. Both of his hands grip her hair as his restraints come undone and begins fucking her face. Exasperated profanities and moans fall from his mouth as she takes him so well.

"Want me to cum inside your throat, doll?" He gets out between pants. She hums an 'mmm hmm' as she tries to move in time with his thrusts. His head falls back against the chair and eyes slightly roll back as his hips rut into her mouth, burying her nose in his dark curls. As he shoots his hot load into her mouth, a guttural moan claws its way out of his throat.

He pulls his softening dick from her mouth and tucks it back into his shorts. He leans down and grabs her jaw so he can admire her pretty, cock drunk face. The trails of dark mascara tears dried on her cheeks and her lips are slightly swollen and her hair is a mess. She looks perfect.

"Open," Negan commands. She opens her mouth, showcasing to Negan his cum resting on her tongue.

"Now swallow." She does and maintains eye contact with him the whole time.

"That's my good fuckin' girl," he praises, causing heat to spread on her cheeks and down to her pussy. She stands up, using the desk behind her as support. Her knees are slightly bruised, a delicious sight to Negan.

"Thanks for teaching me, Coach," she says, her tone slightly teasing.

"Yeah, alright. I gave you want you fuckin' wanted, so get outta my goddamn office." He means what he said, despite how playful he sounded.

"But wait," she says stepping closer to him. He raises an eyebrow in response as she grabs his hand and brings it close. She puts his large hand in between her legs, forcing him to feel how wet he made her. He looks up at her , his face morphing into a dark smirk.

"Don't you wanna return the favor, Coach?"

note and the answer is....present tense! i wrote this in present tense instead of my usual preferred past tense. thoughts?

[sunflowersteves]

can you write about carmy & readers first time after getting engaged 🥹

omg omg omg fiancé carmy just does it for me ok? and ik for a fact that the man wouldn’t wait once you got home. also I couldn’t find a picture of the ring I wanted so just pretend.

warnings || fluff, established relationship, SMUT, soft sex, riding, mention of oral sex, 18+ only

masterlist

You looked down at the small diamond ring that was garnished with two rubies on a sparkling gold band.

You were smiling so brightly that your cheeks started to desperately ache. The stones glistened, and you felt in awe as your chest fluttered with adoration. 

Your admiration for the ring had stopped as Carmen’s voice rang through your ears. “Are you sure you like it?” He asks, eyebrows furrowed and head down, looking at the delicious food he had made. His left leg was bouncing up and down as the thoughts piled one over the other. 

Carmen had asked you that same question about four to five times now. He asked you once after you said yes, two in the car ride, and one while walking up the stairs of your apartment complex.

Despite your reassurance—sometimes too much in a daze of staring at your hand to realize he had even asked you a question—Carmen still couldn’t quite get it into his head that you said yes. 

It was as if his head was still in a jumbled mess—still sweating and knuckles turning white on the steering wheel. His heart couldn’t stop thumping against his chest, and anxiety-filled thoughts rushed over another. The nagging feeling that he doesn’t deserve this and that he doesn’t deserve you had taken over his brain.

His entire speech happened in such a blur with his stuttering sentences and shaky voice. He watched as your eyes glistened with unshed tears as you shouted, “Yes!” It took him a moment to realize your response—his eyes slowly blinking with his mouth parted open to then at lightning speed getting up off of the ground and crashing you into a hug. It just all felt so real. 

You stand up from your end of the table and walk over to him, taking the spoon that he’s frantically tapping in his hand out from his reach. “Baby,” You coo, pressing your palm against his cheek.

It was the most obvious thing in the world to you. You couldn’t stop staring at it since he put it on your ring finger, but you knew that he just needed a little encouragement to swat those thoughts away. “What’s going on?”

Carmen had proposed. Richie had called you saying there was an emergency at The Bear. Of course, he failed to mention that everyone was okay. You rushed to the restaurant in a frenzy, grabbing the bare minimum and speeding down the highway roads.

When you arrived, you practically jumped out of the car and ran inside. Your brain had thought of the worst possible outcomes—a burned-down restaurant and hurt people. It was sending you into a spiral. 

But then, your heart stopped at the view in front of you. This time, the thumping of your heart was pure elation (minus the mental note to yell at Richie later). The entire restaurant had been closed, and a small candle-lit table had been set up—rose petals trailing across the concrete floors. 

Carmen and Richie were arguing but they didn’t see you quite yet. “You didn’t even fucking tell her anything?” Carmen huffed.

Richie just rolled his eyes and scoffed. “No, you fuckin’ bitch. I just said there was an emergency.”

Carmen’s hands exploded around him, an unlit cigarette between his middle and index finger. “Are you fucking serious right now, cousin? She’s probably freaking the fuck out—an emergency? Fuck—” Richie just rolled his eyes and shrugged, but then his eyes locked with yours and a huge smile spread across his lips. The rest went in a blur, and before you know it, Carmen got down on one knee. 

“I-I just—I don’t know. I wanna make sure that I’m doing this right.” His eyes finally look into your own. Your heart just about stops at the sadness that’s swimming through them. 

“Carmy, baby,” You moved his chair back, wooden legs sliding against the hardwood floor. You climbed onto his lap, legs on either side of him. You pressed a hand to his chest, and you gently rubbed your thumb against his soft, white t-shirt. 

His hands rest on your hips, and they squeeze the soft, plushy flesh. He let out a content sigh, some of the anxiety already dissipating from his thoughts.

He wants everything perfect, just for you. The irony of it all is that you do think everything’s perfect. Everything is always perfect with him.

“Let me see, bebita.” Tina couldn’t stop smiling, taking a glance over at you staring at your ring. You were waiting for Carmen to finish talking with Natalie before leaving the restaurant. Tina had found you, staring happily at your finger. 

She cursed under her breath, eyes widening.“Ay, coño—” She continued to watch the small diamonds sparkle underneath the kitchen lights.

Then, she smiled. She looked at you, and she had the biggest smile on her face. You make Carmen so happy, and he knows he makes you happy.

She was truly excited for her friends. “You know, this was Mikey’s ring. It was their grandmother’s or some shit, but—” She pauses, smiling right at you. “It was definitely his.”

Your eyes widened, mouth agape. “What?”

“You’re perfect.” You say, looking into his ocean eyes. “You’re doing everything right.”

He searches for something. He searches for anything. Any doubt, guilt, lying—literally anything. He continues to stare at your beautiful face, looking from the plump of your cheeks to the curve of your lips. 

His eyes look back up to yours. Nothing. He found nothing but pure love and adoration between your irises. He choked out a sound. It was garbled and whimpering. It made your heart clench. 

“Carmen—” Before you could even react, his lips devoured yours. You gasped against him before melting completely, hands going into his messy hair. His hands scaled your body in a passionate frenzy, desperation hitting his gut to pull you even closer to him. 

You moaned against him as his tongue pushed through your lips and into your mouth, swirling and tangling with one another. His hand went to cup your cheek; it was so gentle and sweet—the action made affection swirl in your chest. 

He parts from you, only for a moment. “Please. I need—I need to be inside you.” Another breath-stealing kiss, lips molding against yours. “You’re so—you’re so perfect, baby. N-need you.” He pants out. 

“Fuck, Carmy.” Your hands move to fumble with his belt. He continues to kiss you, lips smearing against your jaw and chin. Jittery, your hands bumble around and finally find the button to his pants. You shuffle them down his thighs, letting out a moan at the sight of a bulge in his boxers. 

“Carmy—” You whine. His fingertips graze your shoulder and lift the spaghetti strap of your dress. “Please.” You feel dazed and desperate. You feel a burning sensation sprout from your chest, and it ignites across your entire being. 

He helps you out of your dress, and his hands fumble with the back of your bra. Meanwhile, you’re also fumbling with getting his boxers off. The position of sitting in the chair had made this much more difficult. “Baby, fuck.”

“Need you, Carmy.” You whine. It caused him to smirk down at you. Eventually, the two of you get all of your clothes off, discarding them somewhere on the floor. You were still straddling his thighs—kisses so sweet and passionate that they tingled against your lips. 

His cock was hard, leaking with some pre-cum, and it made you shudder. His eyes were half-lidded as he stared at you with hazy eyes. You position him to your entrance and slowly sink into him.

You both moan against one another, breathing in each other’s presence. Carmen’s head rolls against your shoulder, biting down at the clench of your walls. You start to ride him—hips rolling against his own. 

“Gonna—fuck—gonna make you my wife.” He breathes out. He watches the way you slick smears against his thighs and the way he disappears into your tight cunt. You loudly moaned against him at the affirmation of his—making you even wetter than before. 

“Wanna—wanna be your wife, Carmy.” You whispered against his soft skin. His lips lower to the perky bud of your nipple and swirled his tongue around the sensitive area. “Want—fuck me—want you to be my husband.”

You could feel his cock twitch at your words. His lips revert their way to where he really wants them—your lips. You whimpered at the feeling of him pushing you further.

The hand on your back was rough from calluses. The new position made you whine and cry, Carmen whispering sweet, sweet praises. “Doin’ so good for me, baby. My–my fuckin’ girl. Look at you, so-so good. Gonna make you my wife. My fucking wife.”

His words are what send you over the edge—the sweet praises and confirmations of his love became too much. “C’mon, pretty girl. Let go for me. Be a good girl and let go.”

With a loud moan, your walls spasm around his cock and gush all over him. You’re screaming his name like a prayer that won’t leave your lips. Your legs shake, unwilling to move any longer. He’s whispering to you again and again, but this time you weren’t listening. 

He was on the verge of an orgasm too, but there was a bigger, more primal need for him to do first. He watched as you slowly slid out of him and he started to press gentle kisses across your shoulder and neck.

He watches your eyes slowly come back to him, and he waits. “I love you, baby.” He says, pressing a kiss to your nose.

“I love you too, lovebug.” You say, a lazy smile curling your lips. You look down to see his hard cock against your thigh. You open your mouth to say something—wanting to take care of him, but he stops you with a shake of his head. 

“I’m gonna—I’m gonna eat you out. I need to taste you. I-I—” He stutters through his words, and the desperation settles on his chest. He needs to taste you on his tongue. He needs to hear the sweet sounds that escape your mouth as he eats his favorite meal. 

“Carmen. Fuck, yes.” 

The first night of being Fiancée’s with one another was going to be a very long night. 

[morganbritton132]

Eddie starts a live stream in his studio like, “I got banished to the basement for stepping on a recently mopped floor.“

He starts out answering questions he sees in the chat but eventually grows tired of that and starts messing around with his guitar. An hour into it, long after Eddie’s forgotten about the live stream, Steve comes down. Eddie honestly thinks he’s going to start reorganizing his record collection or something so he’s a bit surprise when Steve pulls the guitar out of his hand and replaces it with himself.

Eddie is never one to complain about having a lap full of Steve Harrington, especially when he kisses his neck like that, “Sorry I called you a freak.”

Eddie, for some fucking reason: Wanna talk about that other thing you said?

Steve: Not really

Eddie, with a sigh: Unfortunately, I do…. You haven’t spoken to your mother in twenty years

Steve, pulling back: Not true! We spoke at my dad’s funeral

Eddie: So, twenty-three years then? You’re getting yourself all worked up about something that’s probably not going to happen and then you’re going to be upset all weekend.

Steve: It’s different this time

Eddie: How? Did you call her?

Steve: I wrote her a letter

Eddie:

Steve: Shut up, she doesn’t answer the phone. And- she’ll like it. Will helped me with it

Eddie: So, Will knew you were setting yourself up for failure?

Eddie, realizing that was a little harsh: Look, I’m just saying. Let’s be realistic, babe

Steve, climbing out of Eddie’s lap to get up but Eddie grabs his hand before he can run off: You don’t get it, Eddie. You have Wayne

Eddie: So do you! You have Hopper and Joyce, and Claudia. Those are the people that have been there and that love you. We lived in the same town as your mom for years and she couldn’t even go to your appointments

Steve: She let me stay-

Eddie: On their insurance? You have given that woman a lot of mileage out of the bare minimum, Steve. She didn’t work extra shifts to help pay for your medication, Wayne did. She didn’t get you an appointment with that fancy doctor in Indianapolis, Hopper did. They were more of a parent to you than your mother ever-

Steve: But they’re not my mom, Eddie! I want my mom, okay? She wasn’t always like that, she-

Eddie: She’s been like that for thirty fucking years, Steve

Steve: I thought I was going to die. I was pretty damn sure that my brain was full of holes and I was going to die a month ago. I kept thinking that I’m going to die and she going to go to a funeral for a complete stranger, and I-

Eddie, realizing that he never ended his live stream and knocking his phone over so the screen goes black: Stop talking

Steve: What?

Eddie: I think we both need to cool off. You should - you should get ready for bed. I’ll be up there in a second.

It takes a second before you hear Steve say whatever and leave the room. It’s followed by Eddie whispering ‘fuck’ to himself before the live stream ends.

[digitaldiarystuff]

Good 4 U Pt.2

summary: you and pedri broke up months ago but you didn’t realize he was back out there dating new girls while you couldn’t even enjoy anything

pairing: Pedri Gonzalez x Y/N

genre: mostly smut (minors dni) slight angst

————

You were just about to press call button for the uber until you felt someone pick you up.

“Pedro, stop” you yelled as he threw you over his shoulder like you weighed nothing to him.

“Let go off me.” you continued yelling but he wouldn’t budge. The car door was already opened for you so he sat you down and reached for your seatbelt. His face was stoic and made you a little nervous so you decided to accept your fate and get this ride over with.You crossed your arms as he settled in his seat starting the car.

“Would you like some music, you can choose.” he said whilst handing you his phone. You thought for a second and reached for his phone thinking it was better than a deafening silence but he quickly dropped the phone on his lap, smiling devilishly.

“Real mature.” you said again crossing your arms.

“Won’t you take it, I guess I’ll choose the music then.” he said teasing you knowing how much you hated his taste in music. You scoffed and carefully picked the phone from his lap trying your hardest not to touch his legs. He smiled but kept his mouth shut as you tried unlocking the phone.

“Asking for a password.” you said showing him the phone thinking he’d rather put it in.

“You know my password. I never change it.”

You did know his password, it was your birthdays back to back but you figured he must’ve changed it after your break up. But surprisingly, he didn’t. You tried to keep your face unimpressed and failed. There was a little smile pulling on your lips now.

“You should, it wouldn’t be nice if your girlfriend asked it’s meaning” you teased, as much as you liked to pretend not to care you were dying to know more.

“You’re the only girl who is allowed near my phone.”

“Yeah, just so you can show me how many girls you’re talking to.”

You went onto Spotify and searched for a Taylor Swift song, you were about to press ‘back to december’ but decided against it thinking it’s too sad and put on ‘don’t blame me’ instead. He smiled knowingly and after a few seconds you started enjoying the ride. You never would’ve confessed this out loud but being with him felt comforting and you missed this feeling terribly.

But your peace was cut short when you felt Pedri’s hand on your thigh, you looked at him with shock but his eyes were focused on the road. You thought maybe it was a force of habit, not trying to freak out but soon, his hand started inching closer to the hem of your dress. Your mind went blank as his touch was like fire on your skin, the bare minimum he’s doing erupted goosebumps.

You fought to stay still and now act on impulse, knowing it would only boost his ego but truth to be told, you were conflicted between slapping his hand away and pulling it to where you wanted him.

“Pedri.” you whispered as he slowly pushed your dress up and his long fingers traveled around where you needed him the most.

He just shushed you and continued his movements only to stop once he reached your underwear.

“Who did you put this on for?” he asked as soon as he felt the lace against his fingers.

“No one” you answered truthfully although your voice cracked a little from the anticipation.

“I don’t believe you Y/N.” he tsk’ed. “You wore this for me, didn’t you?” he chuckled and you hated how attractive he looked eyes on the road and hand between your legs.

“I didn’t even know you were going to be there.” you said and it was the truth though you realized it was a possibility.

“You can’t lie to me, I can see right through you. So if you haven’t worn this for me then who is it for?” his voice was so soft but firm at the same time that it was turning you on so much. You felt a little pool form between your legs without even doing anything. His fingers moved your panties aside and suddenly he inserted a finger into you.

“Answer me baby.” he cooed like he wasn’t fucking you with his finger while in a car.

“I didn’t wear it for anyone” his fingers quickened their thrusts. “I swear Pedri.” you moaned a little while moving your hips a little to get more friction. He closed his eyes for a second.

“God I missed you moaning my name. Do it more.” he ordered harshly, slapped your thigh and inserting another finger. You were so deprived of his touch that you couldn’t even think about how wrong it was.

“No” you said with your last willpower. He pulled his fingers out immediately and you hissed at the emptiness. He was cracking you with every passing second.

“No baby, you misunderstood me. I didn’t ask, I ordered.” he said and shoved them right back in causing you to arch your back on your seat.

“Pedri” you released a loud moan making him turn to you, this whole time his eyes were on the road but your voice captivated him.

“Look at you, can’t even say anything just my name over and over again. Wait till we get home baby and my name will be the only thing you can remember for a really long time.” He tried retracting his fingers but you quickly pulled on his wrist.

“Please keep going.” you said and he chuckled.

“Did you miss me that much that you can’t wait till we get home?”

“Pedri please, do something.” you begged frustrated.

“Whatever you say, love.” he said still pumping his fingers in and out of you occasionally massaging you. You held his bicep afraid he’ll stop if you didn’t and soon after he was at his garage, you didn’t even realize he was driving to his house not yours too focused on his movements on your body. As soon as he stopped the car he unbuckled his seatbelt reaching over you hungrily attacking your lips. By this point you were turned on beyond repair and needed him, anywhere and everywhere.

“I still hate you.” you mumbled in between kisses trying to hold on to your dignity in the slightest but he just smirked.

“I don’t think your body agrees, baby.” He took this time to pull your panties off your legs and shove them in his pocket. You were now exposed to Pedri and full on making out.

You hastily got rid of his shirt and the t-shirt he wore under it and he just unzipped your dress freeing your breasts.

“You look like a goddess, god I missed you.” he said and you were barely registering anything, your mind clouded with the pleasure he was giving. As soon as his lips found their way to your soft spot behind your ear, you gasped loudly scratching his body with your nails and came undone moaning his name.

“We should go inside.” he said kissing your lips and putting his forehead against yours, smiling softly.

“I don’t think I can” you laughed at how jelly your legs felt.

“It’s okay I got you.” he said and pulled the t-shirt over his head exiting the car. Pedri opened your door and carefully and carried you bridal style to his home.

“I meant what I said. I did really miss you.” he whispered once you both were in the bed lying next to each other just cuddling, the atmosphere was so different from minutes ago in his car. His hand was stroking your hair and his lips left occasional kisses around your face.

“I meant what I said as well.” you said about telling him you hate him.

“Take that back or I’ll have to make you cum all over again to remind you how much you love me.”he said faking being offended and chuckled. You wanted to challenge him and tell him you hated him but laying there was far more important than winning a fight so you stayed quiet just embracing each other, feeling every piece of your life being complete again.

————

note: ugh i really loved how this turned out and even though i’m scared shitless about writing smut i don’t think this is the worst but please if you have any tips or feedback share them with me 💕

also we’re looking for new footballers and top contestants are ferran, fermin, ruben and mason lmk if you want any of then

@jajajhaahaha

[fakeboysfixed]

Have you ever/are you also interested in fixing fake girls as well? Or at least make fun of and humiliate them? Those fagboys with long hair and nailpolish who call themselves girls and are willing to do anything, no matter how degrading, for your approval?

I love fixing fucked up little fakegirls as well. Let's be honest. Most of you "trans-girls" are just incredibly online, porn-brained boys aren't you? The sort of men who knew they were never going to be able to be a real, dominant man, started watching feminization porn every day, and now you suddenly think you can be a "pretty girl" too. Then they come in two categories. The porn addled "trans-lesbians" who want to pray on women. And the pathetic little trans-girl sluts who just want to worship a real man. (Of course, we have the third option of desperate for sexual attention from anyone). I like to help teach my fakeboys that they're only ever going to be women. I want you fakegirls to learn the same thing. Popping estrogen pills and spending all day stroking your "girl cocks" doesn't make you anything but a fucked up male freak. The problem is most online "trans-girls" aren't even putting in the bare minimum to make themselves pass or look pretty for the men abusing them. I want you to realize you're a pathetic failure as a man, but you're never going to change that now. Keep taking your estrogen pills. Learn how to do your makeup. Wear pretty, slutty, girly clothes and grow out your hair. Make yourself the pathetic little porn-doll that you imagine yourself becoming, because you have no real concept of what being a woman is. You are never going to be a woman, but I can help train you into being a fucked up little porn-doll, a real male failure, who is pretty enough to earn the abuse of a man like me.

[tetskuro]

hello! thanks so much for this in advance but if for some reason you don’t feel like doing my matchup feel free to lmk! no hard feelings at all:)

i would love a haikyuu matchup! any gender is fine, i’m bisexual:) i use she/her pronouns & i’d like a romantic matchup if that’s ok!

okay so for my personality i tend to be really shy when meeting new people. i have a tendency to get really quiet & just kind of stand there awkwardly trying to make conversation 😭 but after i’ve gotten to know someone i tend to be more relaxed. i try really hard to be a good listener to my friends. i would consider myself kind, like the giving someone shotgun in the car & offering to bring people things when they’re sick type. with my closest friends i’m very honest and blunt about certain things but i also try to be sensitive to their feelings. i’ve been described as very comforting and warm to be around by my friends:) i have multiple anxiety disorders so sometimes i can come off as unapproachable but it’s not intentional, i just freak & zone out 😭 i guess the best way to describe me is in the type of person to be straight up when necessary but i’ll also be very sensitive and sweet. i get really frustrated when people are mean to my friends. when those around me get hurt physically and/or mentally by someone it makes me really angry, i’m very protective over the people around me. some people would consider me confrontational but in reality i actually despise confrontation 😭 i just put up a strong front when it’s necessary. i have a hard time being super emotionally vulnerable with new people due to past experiences but i also have a really poor tendency to overshare & then overthink every social interaction afterward 😭 i tend to have kind of dry sarcastic humor at times but i’m super willing to change it up if someone doesn’t like it

i love spending time w my friends! we do lots of things like swim, shop, watch movies, play games. i love socializing with my friends & i do really enjoy meeting new people (in small groups)!! i love film, reading, making beaded bracelets, listening to music (lots of pop, im a huge taylor swift fan), & recently i’ve started building miniatures which is cool:) i have a lot of pets including chickens, bunnies, dogs, cats, & a lizard (i’m a huge cat & bunny person!) i love long form tv shows like glee, greys anatomy, gilmore girls, criminal minds, etc.

i’d want someone who wouldn’t want to like. use me for my body? if that makes sense? i’ve had many people just go for me physically & then when they realize i’m an actual human being with emotions and feelings they dip 😭 and someone who’s kind and willing to put in the work for me. i want someone who wouldn’t judge me for my feelings and emotions. idk i fear that’s the bare minimum but whatever!

ideal first date / hangout would be something casual but cute like getting milkshakes & watching the sunset on the water & just talking but yknow like you hold hands and lay your head on the others shoulder & then they kiss you at your door. just cute and simple:)

thank you!! sorry this was so long 😭

your matchup is...

iwaizumi hajime

⭑ iwaizumi's honesty is refreshing and he's just a very genuine individual

⭑ he admires your kind and considerate nature and how you're always looking out for your friends

⭑ iwaizumi can also be a pretty blunt person and he admires your straightforwardness as well; he's a big believer of tough love

⭑ he relates to your protectiveness as well

⭑ iwaizumi would enjoy your dry sarcastic humor and you'd get a lot of chuckles and laughs out of him

⭑ your first encounter with him might be a little awkward since i don't think he's the type of person to open up super quickly

⭑ but once you start talking more often, you'd be comfortable with each other in no time

⭑ iwaizumi finds all of your pets so cool and they'd take a liking to him as well

⭑ he thinks your hobby of building miniatures is super interesting and would just watch you put them together

⭑ omg i could see him complaining about how long some shows are but when you catch him watching an episode with you over your shoulder, who's the one invested now?

⭑ iwaizumi seems like someone who'd like a casual first date (because i can see him getting stressed out from the pressure of making it perfect) so getting milkshakes and watching the sunset together sounds wonderful

⭑ he'd have a cute blush on his face if you rested your head on his shoulder and try his hardest not to move so that you can stay in your comfy position

your matchup runner-up is akaashi keiji

[drivingsideways]

Fic projects 2023  (and beyond?)

Making a list just for kicks! (So I can beat myself up at the end of the year? PERHAP.)

Cheongdam-dong couple ‘verses : 

1) Strawberry ‘verse:  Han Sung-hyun is a rockstar and South Korea’s first openly gay musician/celebrity. Park Do-won is...just some ex military guy who runs a laundrette while trying to keep his family of seven (5 daughters and 2 grandmas) afloat. After almost accidentally saving Han Sung-hyun from death-by-bullet, Park Do-won gets bullied into hired as Sung-hyun’s bodyguard. Why yes, they do fall in love, but first Sung-hyun must PROBLEMATICALLY flirt with his new LORGE employee and get social media cancelled for it, have a couple of near-death experiences, become Fraulein Maria to Do-won’s five girls, and generally be rescued from his life of fun and depravity to become a BORING DAD (spoilers: he loves it), and also maybe rescue a whale. I have lots of ambitions for this project; for one, I want to imagine what having someone like Han Sung-hyun out there between 2000 to date might have meant. I know there are a few prominent gay celebrities in SK, and I plan to read up whatever I can get my hands on about queer culture in SK as well as the music industry in the last twenty years. The latter is probably easier to access. So far all the google search on LGBT issues in SK has given me is..fairly depressing pieces that are centered around the very real homophobia and discrimination. If anyone has any recs- either in fiction or non fiction about being queer in SK, and about the music industry as such, throw it my way! Thank you. :D

2) Wooster -Sageuk verse:  Yes, you read that right. Ok, this is the one in which (JWS/Bertie) is the fourth son of the current king, and a completely useless royal. His brothers, both elder and younger are in a death match for the throne; our guy is chilling out on his small estate up north doing the bare minimum to keep the barbarians at the gates. Into his life comes one Very Brilliant Person (Kim Tae-ri/Jeeves). Now, Tae-ri isn’t a noble born AND she had the misfortune to be afab in those Neo-Confucian times but is she going to let that stop her? NO. So she wiggles her way into (useless) spare heir’s household dressed as a man, and quickly becomes indispensable to him. Meanwhile, LJJ is a soldier in JWS’ army and also a conman with a business on the side; he’s basically sticking with JWS because he figures this guy is not basically interesting enough for his life to be in any kind of real danger, so he gets his soldier’s pay as well as quietly makes money selling contraband. What he *doesn’t * know, and couldn’t possibly begin to guess is that JWS has been PINING for his low born soldier for A WHILE. So, the main plot would be around how Tae-ri, having realized that all the other princes are genocidal freaks, starts an elaborate game of thrones to put the Useless (but not genocidal) Spare on the throne of Joseon, while also solving his Love Problem (which is the only problem that Useless Spare is actually interested in solving.) I want to write this because I love Wodehousian shenangians and queering history, but I’ve also watched like- three sageuks in my entire life- so I feel like I don’t know enough about the genre or you know, actual history, to pull it off with any degree of competence. Still, it *is * one of my favourite ideas, so I’m going to keep it on the list.

The above two are probably the more “high difficulty” writing ideas, and realistically,  I’ll have time for one. At the moment, it’s going to be Strawberry ‘verse, but well, you never know. 

Other Fics:

3) Lucky Star: This is the next instalment in Terms ‘verse, and is the story of  how Do-chul and Hong-gi adopt their son, Min-woo. This fic was meant to be a bridge fic to the final instalment of the ‘verse, but quickly expanded itself in my head. I’ve been trying to crack it for some months now, and it’s not going anywhere, because I can’t seem to figure out what I want this fic to be about. I hope I can do that *sometime * this year because I love these characters so much, and I want to just keep writing in this ‘verse. 

4) Sequel to Juche/ Part 2 of The Exiles: This one feels like something I’ve made unnecessarily difficult for myself by throwing the characters into mid 1980s Patagonia, for god’s sake, at the end of Juche. I mean, I did it for Reasons (good Reasons), but I also know very little about that era, so this is basically the classic “bit off more than you could chew” problem, which, come to think of it, maybe the problem with all my fics. Still, I have a much more solid idea of where I want this fic to go than Lucky Star and I think I can fudge some stuff and hopefully get away with it, so! 

5) Christmas Fic : This is the one F/F fic I want to write about [Kim Hye-soo] and [Tang Wei], long time frenemies, who both got out of the small town where they grew up and made good. Christmas sees them back together in their hometown for the first time in many years: Hye-soo’s boyfriend has just dumped her, and Tang Wei’s fiance is looking for an excuse to break up with *her * although she doesn’t know it yet. Cue small town Christmas event shenanigans between the two women as they try to one up each other; with the stakes getting progressively crazier until everyone around them can’t wait for them to just leave; they WILL, and they’ll also kiss (and other things), and go back to their fabulous big city lives where they get even richer and make men cry. (The good thing about this one is that I don’t have to start writing this until October at least.)

I suppose there are chances that some show or movie might come along that grabs me by the hair and derails my nebulous plans for the above, but it’s unlikely. Kdrama- at least the ones I enjoy watching- doesn’t seem to trigger the fic writing part of my brain, and I don’t feel enthused by most of what I see the mainstream fandom producing either. I’ve had the most fun last year creating  these imaginary worlds that are largely untethered to any particular show/ canon, while retaining the fannish aspects in terms of world building and style of story telling. 

Fellow writers! Tell me in notes/ replies what you’re hoping to write this year, if you had unlimited time and energy.  What’s ticking inside your lovely brains? TELL ME ALL!

[ihearasound]

I'm someone who has a really hard time investing energy into the people around me in settings like work and other gatherings that are mostly functional purpose only. When I was younger I tried so hard to get involved with others and it never paid off, and now I don't have any energy left to try. And it makes me feel like a freak because my lack of social skills is SO obvious. I barely try at all anymore. But when I realized today that I forgot to write myself in for the summer company event I got a bit sad, because I saw the entire office leaving and being excited. I immediately resigned myself with jokes like "haha I guess I'll just stay while you guys go have fun!" and this one coworker immediately tried to convince me otherwise, tried to look for ways for me to come too but my lazy ass was responsible for this, so I was fine just accepting not going. They all left and like 10 minutes later I get a call from another coworker whom I've talked to like, 5 times tops. Telling me I should come, and it would make him very happy. So I asked the boss on his take, and he told me to just go lol if I show confidence nobody will care that I'm not on the list. And he still made a call to work it out for me. Got the person on the other end of the line pissed, but also got me on the list.

Honestly looking back at it now I made such a big deal about it. But. The people around me made an even bigger deal out of it. Even though I can always work up the bare minimum to appreciate them.

We did this silly team building at the event where we were teamed up with ppl from different offices. I'm probably never gonna see these people again. But they got so excited asking me about what I do. One exercise required drawing so I offered myself up and everybody was so hyped about what I drew. Unrelated ppl took pictures. Whenever we got a high amount of points our members would turn to each other and we'd high five.

Like God. These interactions are so menial. But. I don't think I've ever felt so human. For years I considered myself a wretch who survived by pure chance, never having a chance at finding my place. And now a coworker flashing me the brightest smile whenever she passes has me tearing up. Its legit making me tear up. I didn't know I could actually experience what it means to socialize in a normal setting like a normal human. I'm 26 and people looking at me makes me happy

[alo-piss-trancy]

Btw even if I don't check in here as often as I used to, I really do appreciate all of you who stick with this blog anyways c': Especially since I barely post anything 'kinky' myself anymore. So this is mostly just a gaming/media rant and personal blog now oops

In some ways I'm definitely better off than I was a few years ago, but I've also been dealing with a lot of chaos in my life and household and it doesn't look like it's gonna get fixed very soon. Mix of financial, physical health of me and family I've been heavily assisting, house things in desperate need of repair...

On top of that I've been starting to realize I might actually have developed some form of Agoraphobia from all that time I was housebound before... and other stuff, but I think that was probably the main contributor. I'm still looking into it but with how a lot of the other things I've tried to cope haven't helped, meds don't seem to touch it much, and it seems to be getting worse, it's looking more and more likely than I'd like to admit. Which sucks bc it's also going to be hard af to keep up with working to treat it with Exposure or smth if I'm buried in all the above stuff/have limited transport/places to even go. It's really freaking hard when I do rarely go out and the anxiety/illness makes it so much worse. There've been times I've had to give up and go back early after like, an hour bc I was vomiting/crippled with pain/on the verge of fainting... and that's been happening more often. Like 1 in every 3 times, and I may only get out 3 times a month at the worst points.

Idk. I'm trying. I'm keeping up with the bare minimum rn and that's all I can really say lol

Also the only problem that's actually relevant to kink blog: my drive is still at 0 or even the negatives bc I can't get my medication sorted out bc my appointments got pushed back AGAIN ☠️ So yeah. That's why there has been no writing or hc posts and will not probably be for a WHILE. On God, it's about as appealing to me as eating dry cardboard 😔 Trying to write or draw anything fun is like pulling teeth and if I won't enjoy the end result then I'm not gonna bother RIP. When I get that sorted out maybe I can finally touch my poor WIP pile again 😭

Uh yeah so. That's why I've been so absent for like... forever. I do miss checking in here but I also get in my own head sometimes about posting when I'm not 'providing' anything this blog was intended for. Which I realise is dumb bc it's MY blog and if I want to rant about video games only for like a year straight then I'm allowed to. But brains are Fun like that 🥲

For what it's worth I'm not in like, a fullblown mental crisis so please don't worry about that! I'm not in any immediate danger or smth! I do have some other hobbies I've been keeping up with and socialising in other spaces. And I've been reading. So I promise I'm not in a complete isolated depression pit 💛 Life could definitely be better and I def have some rough days, but I have been trying to take some baby steps to either fix things or keep myself sane at least lol

Idk I just felt like I should explain why I've been mostly gone for ages off and on. I do lurk here sometimes to peek at things even if I don't have the energy to show myself. But I do really appreciate anyone who sends asks or comments on my ao3 or just reads my ramblings lol 💛 Even when I can't respond immediately I still treasure the gesture and it makes me happy to see some of the same names around in my notifs/dash c': So thank you~

[mywitchcultblr]

I just realize that it'll be impossible for me to buy something like a sex toy. Not that i actually wanted to buy it because I'm pretty sex repulsed...

But i just realized that I don't have the freedom to do so... To buy alcohol... To go to a club... To fly... To go on a cruise... Or just ride around aimlessly around the town. I literally have to ask my mother to allow me to buy anything online or go somewhere

Oh my god... Oh my fuckin' god... The amount of things other adults can do that I don't have access to do so really freak me out because the realization just sinking right now... At the moment...

Maybe this is why I never understand other adult headspace because i never been allowed to be an adult... Never... What the fuck...

Like i like being myself which is far more eccentric and I guess childish than other adults... But on the bare minimum i should be allowed to have the rights of one... But i don't... Fuck me senseless

Like there are other people. Other adults who still have allowance from their parents ( college student mostly) but they can do whatever with those money right? I can't! I can't fuckin do it.

Everything has to be within the permission of mummy or daddy or granny. It's fuckin creepy innit?

My mother still insist to spoon-feed me sometimes

Maybe this is why I like the trope of twisted domesticity 1950 horror stepford wives omegaverse AU or Melanie Martinez music video or whatever cutesy twisted thing because i think I'm projecting my own helpless situation into that

I need a drink

[nerdyenby]

Purple time :D I’m watching Dave

“I got my gay lil boots” I love him

“Is Ranboo Gwen Stacy?” nonbinary people get it lol

This team is so chill and confident, I love them

Buildmart

The strats!! They’re so on it

“I am so bad at building fast” Dave literally shut up, you’re killing it

Oh no, Mysty got stuck ;-;

THANK YOU!! This team has such good awareness and communication, so many people would overlook four stone when asked for cobble, but not them!!!

Bingo

Dave and Mysty just freaking dive bombing 😂

THEYRE INSANE!!!!

The winning team acknowledging how much the game order is messing up red ;-;

Dave did so well!!!

TGTTOSAWAF

Elaina’s excitement :))

Mysty carry!!!

Dave being shocked that he got fourth in the rng map 😂

This team is so strong, they got so many bonuses!!

Mysty top three and everyone hyping her up <333

Parkour Tag

I love when you can tell a team has been talking and strategizing a lot beforehand :))

“I wanna get tagged” “Pick me, pick me!!” them <33

OH MY GOODNESS 16 SECONDS?!??? She’s so cracked, holy crap

Gizzy comms are so good, I can’t even describe it

Mysty and Dave numbers one and two!!!!

It’s the bare minimum and they’re also nonbinary but the way Dave instantly corrects himself when they slip up Mysty’s pronouns makes my heart so happy

Ace Race

“They did gay-ify it a little bit, too. Or ace-ify it” <333

They’re all top 25???? This team is wild!!!

They’re killing the movement!!

Sandkeeper

Ela “this is your pilot speaking” so real!!

The impulse to run straight back into the portal is so real

Dave crashed 😭😭😭

They’re so on it, they’re absolutely killing it

Elaina is such a good sandkeeper!!!!

They’ve been doing so well and the vibes have been incredible, great team, great time <333

Meltdown

That was wild, they played it like battle box and it worked

They popped off!!

That fight against lime was so fast, I missed the whole thing lol

“I’m cold, I’m cold again” best comms actually, I love Ela

They went crazy, everyone did amazing!!

Dave and Mysti top three again!!! Nonbinary people win these

DAVE FIRST INDIVIDUAL!!!!

Gizzy 3/3 pride dodgebolts, he’s just so gay

“I wish someone would battle my box fr” GIRL 😭😭😭

Battle Box

“It’s a good day to be gay” so true Ela!!

Them talking about cocktails and Dave’s “God, we are a gay team, huh?”

Purple realizing orange is the only other 4/4 team

“And no pressure, but I heard that — all the teams that don’t win — noxcrew will take away your gay” Gizzy 😭

Oh my goodness Dave’s pvp is so satisfying to watch, I haven’t watched his pov before I don’t think but wow, they’re so smooth

Dave getting on to Ela for sleeping on Zeuz

Mysti’s “we got conc’d” in chat 😂😂😂

Mysti being sad about killing Grian, saying he’s the only mcyt they watch

“I just realized if I steal all of Dave’s kills I might get first individual” “Stop, that’s why I didn’t say anything” I love their chemistry so much

“It’s crazy that I’m about to get five aces in a row” so true Gizzy!!

THEY ALL POPPED OFF!!!!

Dodgebolt

Elaina’s so excited :))

#mygazza!!!!

Ela and Mysty popping off!!

That trade 😂

I thought Dave was about to walk off the edge there 👀

“Take your time” *Purple Pandas take the crown* “Get out of here!!!!”

The most even dodgebolt possible, they both killed it!!

“Slay!!! See that’s what happens- you gotta have that 4/4 gay team, that’s all you needed” REAL!!!!

Them talking about how this was a crazy well-rounded team and everyone carried at times :))

Ela has ace accessories?? Yooooo

Ela falling off the edge the second they start smack talking lmao

“Wait no, we want blue to win Elaina” “Yeah but shubble’ son the other team, I love shubble” “true” “Shelby is cool” we stan Shelby Shubble in this household!!!!

This was such a good team, the vibes were amazing <333

[festeringneondistraction]

I want to write poetry again but its just not happening!

Lately I've been so in my head. So many feelings and worries, its just real mental illness hours so in other words: I'm going through it. I've been journaling and posting and that's all fine and good but usually I can take those base thoughts and flesh them out into poetry! I'm very creatively frustrated right now because I have the urge to create but I just... cant. I try!! I definitely try and its not that I'm being a perfectionist about it at least not consciously. I firmly believe in making not-good art just for the sake of art. Bad art is amazing! But its just lots of stress intrusive thoughts then just TV static. The combination of extreme near constant anxiety, and brain fog.

Just to clarify somethings I'm at a very difficult season of my life right now for a lot of reason. I'm also a bit of an neurological alphabet soup (multiple diagnosis) so this is what I'm dealing with. Side note self-diagnosis is valid and you can kindly leave my blog if you think its not :). I'm just clarifying what doctors have told me and what else might be going on. Also I realize some of these are so co-morbid that its a bit redundant but I'm just listing it anyway.

CONFRIMED: Autism, depression, PTSD, ADHD, Social Anxiety/general anxiety, dyspraxia (also called developmental coordination disorder), dermatillomania, and a nice history of self-harm.

COMPLICATED: Chronic migraine (I do get migraines fairly consistently with aura I've had doctors acknowledge my migraines but no official diagnosis yet) mysophobia, ARFID (its extreme obvious for me that I have very real and severe food issues, I've just never talked to a doctor), dyslexia and dyscalculia. I was pretty much treated for both and struggled in those areas significantly. Just never put on paper to my knowledge.

SUSPECTED: OCD, maybe all of this is just CPTSD? who knows.

What im trying to say is there is a lot to unpack in my brain. For anyone who actually read this far thank you i love you id love to talk :)! But really who knows what's causing what sometimes. And when you struggle with brain fog and poor introspection??? What am I even supposed to do.

Id also like to mention im a daily weed smoker. I try not to smoke all day I try and wait till (weirdly enough) 4:20 is actually a great time of day to start lol. But seriously i at bare minimum wait till 420 I usually try to go a little longer.

Weed is one of the only thing that helps with the anxiety. As I am reading all this back and my landry list of diagnosis is right in front of me.... WOW im a high anxiety person. and there's shit I didn't even mention. It all really loops back to Autism and Anxiety. Its to the point where ill go to a friends house.. im feeling anxious but excited and I think im masking well. Then after like two minutes of talking to me my friend will almost always say "Shade you need more weed." Like damn is it that bad. People find it hard to talk to me sometimes because im so high anxiety these days. It used to be that I could talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable. I might be freaking out the whole time but It used to be that I was so good at masking my anxiety and autism people wouldn't notice.

Also hi! My name is Shade and yes its my actual legal name. This rant about poetry turned into like a mental illness recap and informal intro. If my blog gets even the tiniest bit of attention i'll do a proper more light hearted intro. Just really speaks to the ADHD I guess. I have so much more to say but if I let myself keep typing it will become a compulsion and I wont stop for hours so Im done now :)

[autisticelation]

i havent been on tumblr in a while but i just had such a huge shift in my life i need to talk about it (summary: i got an owner)

i was a bit lonely so my friend introduced me to his other friend (who sadly lives in the states while both of us live in europe) and we quickly clicked. we introduced eachother to our favorite games and hopped on call like in the first two hours since we started talking which was very unusual for me, considering i’m usually very shy when it comes to them, especially at first.

i watched him play games, we hanged out for a good few hours and we teased eachother a little bit, then he admitted to almost calling me a good boy which while unexpected, was very much welcome. he’s very gentle, charismatic, funny and always makes sure i feel comfortable with his jokes or actions, which while being the bare minimum still means a lot to me.

on the second day we got a little more personal and playful, which resulted in him calling me a puppy which was again, unexpected but welcome. at first i was very worried about weirding him out with my kinks considering a lot of people consider pet play to be a bit off, but he was very much okay with it and seemed into it. we talked for like good seven hours that day and he ended up calling me his puppy multiple times, but i was still very anxious about being a freak until he straight up asked me to bark for him !!!

then i realized how desperate i was for this kind of attention??? like someone calling me their puppy, having me bark for them and praising me for it, god it felt so good. not even saying it turned me on, because for me petplay is much more than just a sex thing which he understood and treats it the same way.

we’ve been on call with eachother for a good few hours (im talking 5-7 hours) for the past five days, with the exception of one (but we were texting a lot then anyway) so our connection quickly progressed. i was very anxious about everything at first, as i mentioned previously but it passed the moment he asked if i wanted to be his puppy, while he could be my owner. all while being friends!! which was perfect for me.

we hang out, play games together, talk about random stuff all while having that pet-owner relationship. i don’t believe it could be this way if he didn’t consider me his friend as well, because it just makes me feel safer in this arrangement especially considering how long our distance is. i’m not just something to get off to for him or anything (bc yes we did get sexual with this along the way lmao), we can chill together with no issue.

im propably getting excited over the most minor things as my friend who introduced us pointed out, but ive never had anything close to this. he double checks if im okay multiple times, makes sure im comfortable with things he tells me or orders me to do (even when i clarify i am, he loves to triple check) all while still having that dominant aura.

submitting and obeying him feels natural to me, it feels good and i just have the desire to do it any time no matter what. everything about him is just so attractive to me, everything i ever wanted in a friend as well as an owner.

and before you assume, both of us are aromantic so we are quite uncapable of catching feelings for eachother, which doesn’t devalue the fact we get along very well both as friends and as a pet/owner. we aren’t exclusive to eachother, the friend who introduced us is on it too so we are kind of having a threesome situation rn (even though it is clear im the puppy of the group 24/7 while my friend just switches, and even if hes more submissive as well i’m more submissive iykwm) and we have no problem with us seeing other people in the future because we are friends above everything else.

i have no rules or punishments and i always have the option to say no to every order he gives me, especially if its nsfw. he’s the softest dom i’ve ever seen in my life and is so happy that he has me, it’s insane, i’ve never felt more appreciated in my life. not to mention that even if i don’t know him that long, my friend knew him for months before this so i know i can trust him a little bit more.

so safe to say he sped run training me bc now i just bark for him without thinking and i giggle like a little bitch any time he calls me his pup or anything along those lines. i love him so much this is insane

[thesunsethour]

Tumblr in Westeros (S2E01)

🐉 hightowergrindr follow

aegon targaryen sort of a socialist king when you think about it

🛖 mummersfarce follow

you people are so pathetic you’ll literally see a man richer than the gods do the bare minimum and forget that his family profit from our subjugation

🐉 hightowergrindr follow

aegon targaryen personally told me we have nothing to lose but our chains but ok :/

24,578 notes

🍰 onetrueheirrhaenyra follow

“i know prince aemond committed nepoticide but i still would” do you know how insane you guys all sound???

🦉queenslanding follow

op considering i saw you reblogging daemon thirst portraits last week i’d sit this one out

106 notes

⚓️ lordlannisterpleasepaymydebts follow

king viserys is dead prince lucerys is dead and me I feel also not so good

48 notes

🪞greengreendress follow

alicent and rhaenyra truly match each other’s freak

🕍 velaryonsupremacy follow

girl they are at WAR

🪞greengreendress follow

god forbid women do anything 🙄

💋alicentlesbiansex follow

#everyone wants toxic codependent gay relationships #until suddenly it’s between lesbians and then it’s a problem for some reason

op why would you leave this in the tags

🕍 velaryonsupremacy follow

can we stop speculating on real people’s sexuality for five goddam minutes

💋alicentlesbiansex follow

“RPF is fine” - aegon the conqueror

17,589 notes

♟️shehighonmytowertillicome follow

WHY DID OTTO HIGHTOWER USE THE F-SLUR IN A COUNCIL MEETING💀💀

🃏crabdanceforviserys follow

he’s reclaiming it.

10,085 notes

🏛️targaryenfire follow

Greenism not a religion it's a full blown cult. I'm starting to realize we have to treat its members as victims of manipulation, indoctrination and abuse.

🥧 dowagerqueencunt follow

alicent jerked your queen off

156,477 notes

🌽thegreenkeep follow

blah blah blah team black have more dragons. at least our king has all his sons alive

🌽thegreenkeep follow

… fuck sake

278 notes

[kusundei]

goddd oh my god chat im just so. UGH. goodness. seeing his messages as soon as i woke up just made me so. IN LOVE. i fall in love with you more each day im being so genuine every once in a while i just. tweak about you randomly. like FALLING TO MY KNEES KIND OF TWEAK. i do feel a little empty rn because im remembering the play is over and i wontbe able to see you like this and im always doomed at home but god… GODDD. its okay. i just. love you. so. MUCH. yesterday was sooo nice. i feelsorta bad especially at the frozen yogurt place just cuz i went a bit nonverbal but more of thag just comes down to me beint more introverted around people idk very well and also cuz i didnt know what to say. aside drom that i was also jhst like ., dead tired. and i couldnt really get myself to really PRETEND to be full of energy . ijst wanted to lay my head on your shoulder. hold your hand. just exist. with you. i feel so like bittersweet right now but im trying to focus on positives so i dont freak out too much. its sunday.. and surprisingly i want it to be monday so i can see you .

i justtt. GODDD. yoy are so cute and goddd i loved thag lipstick sorry. like. that gave me a real excuse to just kiss you everywhere and i knew it was the right time (obviously. but im still cautious often.) its just sooo. . i LOVEEE YOUUUU. your face. you r so gorgeous to me. every inch of you i loveeee i donttCAREEANTNOREEEE. i kept tweaking a little during every show mostly cuz i kept passing byspmeone who. smells exactly like jd. and im realizing w that snell and how i felt smelling it again jdut how in love i am with you. like i said smell is like some weird cognitive thing i have where i can tell how i feel ab someone depending on how i react. smelling jds smell again felt so. disgusting. it invoked that fear in me again. that anxiety i always felt around her knowing she was lying and how i was always jjst worried all the time and she was just. not there. the fear i felt knowing i had to provide everything or else she’d be evil. or something. just that anxiety i felt ALWAYS. i realize it too smelling ayden. his smell makes me sick. sav stole his fucking perfume thjnf and she sprays it on herself sometimes and it makes me so. disgusted. his smell is disgusting to me. jds smell is disgusting to me. but then im sitting here with this hoodje again smelling it and i jusr . idk. i feel better. its like laced with memories everytime i smell it i just remember you. how lovely you r and it just makes me feel so. happy.

alonf wirh that just the things i do with you. the things you do with me its just . you make me feel better. truth be told i dont like when people touch my back pr my waist gery much because of just . feneral association and i never told jd that her doing it too made me ill. it didnt for a WHILE but after everything that happened with the note i felt so. disgustinf all the time with her. you. you however. you r replacing those horrible memories i have with her. that thing you do wirh your thumb when you hold my hand. thats something id do. something jd would do to indicate to each other when we werent feeling good because she struggled to communicate it wirh me and i felt like a burden doing so. id always get to anxious when she’d do it and feeling you do it i got nervous again but . no its so. comforting. like how its supposed to be. when you ask me if im okay. its so. ? so bare minimum and so sinple but i cant explain how much better it makes me feel even if im not eebn tweakint. and ive never TRULY been tweaking when u ask it just makes me feel like. i can be honest with you. you wont lash me for hurting. for feeling things like jd did. you wouldnt condemn me and make me feel like i was burdening you for just. existing. with you. and i jsut want to exist with you. i want to be with you even if you are hurting because thats still you and i want to believe wholeheartedly you’d do the same with me because thats how i feel. i feel like j can and god. i hope thats true.

i just feel so much better around you. genuinely. i feel like i dont have to pretend to be someone else . pretend to be happy pretend to be okay. have to force myself to talk pr force myself to do anything around you. i know i tweak ab holding ur hand and kissing you but thats more of me just being cautious and also that it makes me so nervous., but. a good kind of nervous. i always feel nervous around you. its that weird anticipation feeling but its never anything negative. havinf been by myself this past year and being with you (not actually but goddd. i wish.) now makes me realize jist how genuinely unhappy i was with jd. how much i hurt with her. but also just how much we were truly hurting each other even if she didnt mean it and i didnt mean to either . just. i spent so much time thinking about it and let alone just the fact i didnt have panic attacks antmore aftee we broke up make it so so. clear to me. and now with you im realizinf maybe im not. broken. maybe ive just lived with so much fear for so so long .? every relationship ive ever had has left me. hurting more than i was before. broke me a little more everytime. but ive always given it my all. and this time? i want to give you more than just my all. jts so weird. you just make me realize that how i feel with you is how i shouldve felt all along. to feel whole with you and nothing else. to just be and not feel burdening. you emphasize it so heavily to me and i just wish wish WISH. i could do it for you. hell even now when it comes to my hashtag best (toxic) empath ways you make me realize i dont have to be that way. hell, every single one of my relationships enabled that in me. you tell me i dont have to worry about you. make it cleae to me its not my problem and it comforta me a bit and of course, its nlt gonna completely go away but it makes me feel less. overwhelmed. with everyone else i had to take care of them. it was my obligation. they needed me to. with you i just. truly want to but im leveling myself out to a plane where i know i can handle it and also take care of myself. you make me want to take care of myself .

god forbid i start rambling ab something else but. back to that froyo place.? i truly was still not hungry and was feeling a little ill but i kind of knew cognitively that it was me not eating and making me feel a little more ill. its just with jd she sort of. enabled me. not really enabling but i felt so. judged with her.? especially in terms of eating because she’d bring up her ed all the time and of course, console in me, but it made me feel. so gross. ab eating. felt like i cpuldnt cuz she couldnt and it was that weird competitive feelinf id get again. with you im noticing im doing it slightly but thats also mainly out of my control and i worry ab you not eating but ik you cant exactly control it either. in a wonderful silly less cringy universe id ask you to eat with me. so i wouldnt feel fhat way and i coulf feel a little more comforted but of course thats evil on both of us. when it comes down to me its just like ., of course im not rly trying to restrict i just. find myself doing it. and as horrible as it sounds i might just always be that way but those times i do eat with you i dont feel? ashamed? i feel like i can eat without feeling disgustinf and judged and evil and god i want to eaat. seriously. im just still working on it. and you make me feel better ab it. even if we havent done alot in regards to eating like that i just notice how i feel ab it and irs nothing negative and that. means sososo much to me.