#I reiterated it in case there were other people who got curious enough to read this post XD

[the-desolated-quill]

WandaVision: ‘Subverting’ Good Television - Quill’s Scribbles

(Spoilers for the first five episodes)

Hey everyone! Well... it’s been a while, hasn’t it? The last time I wrote a proper review or Scribble, people still thought the COVID crisis would be over within a month. The poor saps. But I thought that as a special way to mark this year’s Valentines Day, we could take a closer look at the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s shittiest power couple in their new Disney+ show WandaVision.

The first of many MCU spin-off shows that nobody asked for, broadcast exclusively on Disney’s totally unnecessary streaming platform, WandaVision is about everybody’s favourite whitewashed Nazi experiment and her red sexbot boyfriend as they try to fit into a suburban sitcom neighbourhood without arousing suspicion.

Yes, you read that correctly. The MCU has a sitcom now. My life is now complete.

Sarcasm aside, I was legitimately curious about WandaVision because of its unusual setting. And considering one of my most common criticisms of the MCU is its total lack of creativity, anything that’s even a little bit subversive is bound to attract my attention. Of course ‘subversive’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good.’ I could hand you a canvas smeared with my own shit and call it subversive. That doesn’t necessarily make it good art. And that’s exactly what WandaVision is. A canvas smeared with shit.

So lets split this critical analysis/review/angry bitter rant into two distinct chapters. The first focusing on the plot and setting, and the second focusing on the characters. Okay? Okay.

Chapter 1: Bewitched

Critics seem to be utterly enamoured with the whole sitcom gimmick, and it is a gimmick. As far as I can tell from the episodes I’ve seen, the sitcom setting serves no real purpose whatsoever other than to make the show ‘quirky.’ Which I wouldn’t mind, believe it or not, if the show was actually funny. There’s just one problem. It’s not.

Now in some ways describing why a sitcom doesn’t work is often futile because comedy is largely subjective. What I find funny, you won’t necessarily find funny and vice versa. With WandaVision, however, I won’t have that problem. I can demonstrate to you precisely why WandaVision, objectively, isn’t funny. And it all comes down to one simple thing. The stakes. Or rather the complete and total absence of stakes.

The show makes it very clear from the beginning that none of what we’re seeing is real. The cheesy theme song, the era appropriate special effects (mostly. It’s actually very inconsistent), the joke commercials, and, in the case of the first two episodes, which are in black and white, the appearance of red lights and objects in Scarlet Witch’s general vicinity. (Gee, what a mystery this is).

Basically Wanda has brought Vision back from the dead and created this sitcom world for them to inhabit. I’ll explain the stupidity of this in Chapter 2. The point is none of this is real, and that has a negative effect on the comedy because the very nature of comedy is suffering. Take the plot of the first episode. Wanda and Vision have to prepare a dinner to impress Vision’s boss. If they fail, Vision could lose his job and the couple could be exposed as superheroes. If this were a normal sitcom, it would work. The stakes are clear and it would be satisfying to see the two struggle and overcome the odds. But here, we know it’s not real. If it’s not real, it means there’s no stakes. If there’s no stakes, it means there’s no suffering. If there’s no suffering, there’s no comedy.

It would be one thing if the unfunny sitcom stuff lasted for like the first ten minutes or so before making way for the actual plot, but it doesn’t. Oh no. It doesn’t even last for the first episode. Out of the five episodes I’ve watched, four of them are almost entirely about these unfunny, objectively flawed sitcom homages, each set in a different time period. The fifties, the sixties, and so on. And what’s worse is that nothing that happens in them is plot-relevant. That gets relegated to the last five minutes of an episode. So you’re forced to sit through twenty five minutes of boring slapstick and puns in order to catch even a whiff of actual story. Which begs the question... who is this for exactly? It can’t be entertaining to Marvel fans, who have to slog through all this pointless shit so they can figure out what the fuck is going on. Comedy fans may get a kick out of the sitcom pastiche at first, but after four episodes, surely the joke would wear thin. So why is it in here? Clearly someone in the writer’s room absolutely fell in love with the idea of doing a Marvel sitcom, but nobody put in any time or effort to figure out how it would work in context.

I cannot stress enough how bad the plotting of this series is. As I said, the vast majority of a thirty minute episode is about shitty sitcom plots that aren’t funny and don’t have any impact on the story, only to then tease you with a crumb of actual plot in order to keep you coming back for the next instalment. Admittedly it’s an effective strategy. I was more than ready to quit after Episode 2 until that beekeeper showed up out of the sewer (don’t ask. It’s not important). WandaVision essentially follows the Steven Moffat school of bad writing. String your audience along with the promise that things might get more interesting later on and that all the bullshit that came before will retroactively make sense by the end. Except, as demonstrated with BBC’s Sherlock, that doesn’t work. And even if it did, it wouldn’t justify wasting the audience’s fucking time. And that’s what the majority of WandaVision is. A waste of time.

The only episode that doesn’t follow the sitcom format is the fourth episode. Instead it basically exists to explain all the shit that happened before. The shit that the audience, frankly, are smart enough to figure out for themselves. Wanda created the sitcom world as a way of coping with the loss of Vision, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, we got it. Thanks. It doesn’t advance the plot or anything. It’s just a massive info-dump. But by far the lowest point was when Darcy (by far the most annoying character in the first Thor film and is just as obnoxious here) was sat in front of the TV, watching the sitcom and asking the same questions we were. Not even attempting to look for answers. Just reiterating what the audience is thinking. Like this is an episode of fucking Gogglebox.

In the end it becomes apparent why the series is structured the way that it is. It’s to hoodwink people into subscribing to Disney’s stupid streaming service. If you think about it, there was no reason for WandaVision to be a TV series other than to lure gullible fans in with a piece-meal story buried in a mountain of crap. This isn’t a TV show. It’s what is cynically known in the world of big business executives as ‘content.’ They’re not interested in entertaining the audience. Instead they crave ‘engagement’, which isn’t the same thing. Watching WandaVision is like staring into the void, waiting for something to happen, while Disney charge you for the privilege.

Chapter 2: I Love Lucy

So the plot sucks balls. What about the characters? Surely if Wanda and Vision are likeable at least, it’ll give us something to cling onto.

Well as I was watching the first episode, it suddenly hit me that I couldn’t remember anything that happened to them in previous films. I knew Vision died, but other than that, I couldn’t tell you significant plot details or their personalities or anything. Not a great start.

See, up until now, Vision and Scarlet Witch have been little more than background characters. So already there’s an uphill struggle to get us invested in their relationship, especially considering we haven’t actually seen that relationship develop. In Avengers: Age Of Ultron, Scarlet Witch is killing people because she’s pissed off about Tony Stark killing people (you work that one out) until all of a sudden she stops and joins the good guys because the script said so. Vision meanwhile is introduced as a convenient deus ex machina to beat Ultron and gets no real personality other than he’s a robot. Captain America: Civil War comes the closest to giving Wanda a story and personality of her own as it’s her actions that cause the Sokovia Accords to come into effect, but she never gets any real growth or payoff as the film is heavily focused on Cap and Iron Man’s penis measuring contest. And as for Vision, all he does in the film is accidentally cripple War Machine. No real character or arc there as such. And then we have Avengers: Infinity War, where Wanda and Vision are now sporadically in love and on the run until that pesky Josh Brolin, looking like a CGI cross between Joss Whedon and a grumpy grape, comes along and rips out Vision’s Infinity Stone to power up his golden glove of doom, and the film treats this like a tragic moment, except... it isn’t. Because we haven’t really had the time to properly get to know these characters and see their romance blossom. So instead it just comes off as hollow and forced.

WandaVision has the exact same problem. Apparently Wanda was so distraught about Vision’s death that she broke into a SWORD base, stole his corpse, brought it back from the dead... somehow, and then enslaved an entire town of people to create an idyllic lifestyle for her and her hubby while broadcasting it as a sitcom to the outside world... for some reason. Putting aside the dubious morality of it all, it’s impossible to really sympathise with Wanda or her supposed grief because we’ve barely spent any time with her. Had the Marvel movies taken the time to properly explore the characters and show us their relationship grow and develop, this might have had more emotional resonance. But no, it just happens. In one film they barely speak to each other and in the next they’re a couple. No effort to explore how they feel about each other or any of the problems that may arise trying to date a robot. It just happens and we’re just supposed to care. Well I’m sorry, but I don’t care. You’re going to have to try a little bit harder than that I’m afraid. What’s worse is that, thanks to the whole fake sitcom thing, it’s impossible to really become invested in Wanda and her plight because the show has to constantly keep us at arms length at all times in order to keep up the pretence that this bullshit is somehow mysterious.

Looking through the WandaVision tag, it amuses me how many people say that she’s acting out of character. And yeah, her actions are a bit of a head scratcher. Why would an Eastern European’s ideal life be an American sitcom? Why a sitcom? Why kidnap an entire town? Why keep changing the decade? None of it makes sense, but you’re wrong for thinking that Wanda is behaving out of character for the simple reason that Wanda has never actually had a character. In fact, ironically, Wanda mind controlling an entire town and forcing them to do her bidding is probably the one consistent thing about her as she did this in Age Of Ultron. In interviews, Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany described how they used actors like Elizabeth Montgomery and Dick Van Dyke as influences, which is really funny because they’re straight up admitting they don’t have characters and even now they’re still not playing the characters, instead emulating the work of far better actors.

As I was watching the show, it became abundantly clear that not only do Marvel not have the faintest idea what they wanted to do with these characters, but they also straight up don’t give a shit about these characters. Wanda in particular has had a rough time under the tyrannical regime of the House of Mouse. First they cast Elizabeth Olsen, a white woman, to play a Romani character, then systematically erasing her Jewish roots, even going so far as to put a cross in her bedroom in Civil War, and now the character is being butchered even more by forcing her into an American sitcom housewife role that she apparently willingly chose for herself, which is laughable. I mean say what you like about Magneto in the X-Men films, at least they actually depicted his Jewish culture. At least they recognised his Jewish background was important (though not important enough to cast a Jewish actor apparently). Wanda’s steady cultural erasure over the years is incredibly insidious and judging by Olsen’s comments in interviews, where she called Wanda’s comic book outfit a quote ‘gypsy thing’ unquote, it seems nobody has an ounce of fucking respect for the character or the culture she’s supposed to be representing. (and to all those kissing her arse saying it was a slip of the tongue, she has been repeatedly called out for using the slur in the past, so at this point I’d describe her behaviour as wilful ignorance)

If you want further proof of how much Marvel doesn’t seem to care about Wanda, look no further than her brother Pietro, aka Quicksilver. At the end of Episode 5, Wanda brings Pietro back from the dead, except it’s not Pietro. It’s Peter Maximoff, the Quicksilver from the X-Men films played by Peter Evans, who coincidentally is not Jewish or Romani either. So Quicksilver has the dubious honour of not only being whitewashed three times, but also twice within the same franchise. But should we really be surprised at this point? It’s Marvel after all. The same company that whitewashed the Ancient One in Doctor Yellowface and claimed it wasn’t racist because Tilda Swinton is ‘Celtic’. But now I’m going off topic. My point is that this isn’t a simple case of recasting an actor like Mark Ruffalo replacing Edward Norton as the Hulk. WandaVision actually acknowledges the recast in-universe, which makes no sense. Why would Wanda bring back her brother, only to make him look like a different person? We the audience may be familiar with this version of Quicksilver, but she isn’t. That would be like me bringing my Grandad back to life and making him look like Ian McKellen. He’d be perfectly charming, I’m sure, but he wouldn’t be my Grandad. 

If Marvel really cared about the characters or narrative consistency, they would have brought Aaron Taylor Johnson back. Instead, now they have absorbed 20th Century Fox into the hellish Disney abyss, they use X-Men’s Quicksilver as a means to keep viewers from switching off and so that people will write stupid articles and think pieces about whether the rest of the X-Men will show up in the MCU. It’s like dangling your keys in front of a toddler’s face to distract them from the rotting corpse of a raccoon lying face down in the corner of the room.

And it’s here where I decided to stop watching the show because fuck Disney.

Epilogue: One Foot In The Grave

You know, I am sick and tired of the so called ‘professional’ critics bending over backwards to praise these god awful films and shows when it’s so clear to anyone with a functioning brain cell how bad they truly are. WandaVision is without a doubt one of the most cynically produced and poorly structured TV shows I’ve ever seen. Its riffs on classic sitcoms are pointless and self-indulgent, the writing is terrible, the characters are unlikable and unsympathetic, and it’s entirely emblematic of what the entire MCU has become of late. And it’s only going to get worse as Disney drowns us with more ‘content’ to keep the plebs ‘engaged’. In short; pathetic.

[neonponders]

Head canon time:

Okay okay okay okayokayokay so this post has super cute art, but the reblog comment on it aligned with something that’s been percolating in my brain for a ~while~ now:

Eleven as Steve’s sister.

Obviously neither Steve nor Eleven have any idea. From the time El escapes the lab, they don’t interact much. Even if they’re in the same room, they kind of bounce around each other, because...why else would they? Steve’s at least five years older and she’s still building her social skills/confidence, especially around men.

But then Steve gets his hair cut short, and the back likes to curl very similarly to how El’s did when hers was short. Their hair needs its own weight to pull it straight.

And it’s dark brown. Followed by clear brown eyes.

It’s not enough for anyone to connect the dots, of course, but then El’s “mother” dies. Her mind had been a flickering light for a long time, eventually her heart began to match. But when a heart stops, it stops.

Her sister calls Hopper, in case El wants to know, and they show up, at the very least, to attend the funeral and to help the sister go through dusty boxes. Maybe there’s a picture of El’s mother that she wants...

Instead they find surrogacy papers.

Old bank statements.

Apparently at the time of her involvement with government conspiracy, she had been very down on her luck. She made the mistake of doubling up on volunteering to be a surrogate mother, as well as whatever the hell the Hawkins Library did to her.

But the names on the papers are John and Eliza Harrington.

“Like...Steve?” El asks when he finally has gaped at the papers for too long.

Hopper inhales because he isn’t sure when he did that last and scratches his face. “Yeah...like Steve.”

He has mixed emotions: the empathetic devastation at losing a kid, but also the relief that this involves someone already in the know.

They go over to Steve’s house.

The guy answers the door with a slice of pizza in his hand, still chewing. “Hi, Hop. Ellie.”

She offers a small smile. “Steve.”

“Are your parents home, kid?”

He shook his head and swallowed. “Just left this morning. They have a time-share condo in Mexico.”

“You didn’t go with them?”

Steve scoffs while turning around back into the house. “My idea of a good time isn’t with my parents. What d’you need?”

“Well,” Hopper sighs, feeling too big in the foyer. Eleven stabs his hip with a finger and he begins the tedious process of unlacing his boots. “I need to go through your parents’ papers. You got an attic, a cellar, an office?”

Steve, bless him, looks genuinely clueless. “Uh. Yeah...are we in trouble for something?”

“Not in trouble, no. I just wanna cross reference something.”

Bless him twice, because he actually lets Hopper into his attic. His father’s office. Then his mother’s.

He finds it in his mother’s bedroom. It was just a shot in the dark to try the safe in the closet, but so many people actually keep their safes unlocked for easy access.

Hospital documents. Even ultrasound photos.

“Jane Elizabeth...Harrington?” Steve chirps over his shoulder.

He looks up at the chief, who’s rubbing his beard again. Their heads turn to Eleven sitting on Mrs. Harrington’s bed. “My name’s Jane.”

Those big brown eyes blink between her and Hopper. “How do you know that? I thought you came from a lab?”

Hopper intercepted, “She used her,” he gestured vaguely to his own head, “to find her mother. Or...the surrogate your parents paid for.”

“And where’s she?”

“Dead,” said Eleven.

Hopper reiterated, “She passed about two weeks ago. We found your parents’ names in her paperwork.”

“But - what happened? How does a baby just go missing? Better question: why don’t I have super powers?”

Hopper had already read the hospital’s apology and refund of the Harrington’s funds, insurance, the works. “I think that asshole...Brenner...claimed the baby for his work, early enough that it could be written off as a miscarriage. Whatever they did to El’s mother, whatever went on in that lab, landed her with her abilities. It’s nothing to covet, all right.”

Steve looked winded. He crossed his arms and let himself collapse against the wall. “So...what do we do?”

“Uh...” Hopper fanned his face with the ultrasound pictures. “There isn’t a lot we can do. Telling your parents would open up a lot of closed doors that we can’t really afford to open. Dr. Owens, being the swell guy he is, provided me paperwork that grants El as my kid.

“But.

“You already know each other. You already contributed to saving the world together. So...I think that’s up to the two of you.”

Both of them, for all they’d been through, just looked like kids. They were kids, even if Steve now stood in his twenties. And he stood off the wall, now, to approach his sister.

“Can I, uhm...can I hug you?”

El slid off the high bed, easily falling against his body for arms to wrap tightly around her. They stayed like that for a long moment, then Hopper joined them to rub between their shoulder blades.

“Oh god. You’re dating Mike Wheeler.” El hummed a curious sound and he elaborated, “Am I gonna have to pound on him if he pisses you off?”

“I wish you would,” Hopper confirmed.

Fast forward to Mike being extremely confused at his girlfriend suddenly spending a lot of time with Steve Harrington, of all people.

“Maybe she’s gotten a taste for older men?” Lucas teased, and got punched in the shoulder for it.

Max’s eyes rolled but she didn’t grace that with an answer.

Mike fumed, “She was supposed to be with me today! Then she called and said she had other plans - ”

Max chimed, “Are you sure you had plans? Or that you had a plan but she beat you to it?”

“It doesn’t matter! I see her walking around with Steve Harrington all the time and it’s weird!”

Will said for nobody in particular, “We’re not the ones to judge weird anymore.”

Lucas countered, “Or we’re the experts on weird. Speaking of, where the hell is Dustin?”

“With Steve,” Max grinned right at Mike, and stood up. “Speaking of, my ride’s probably here.”

“Where are you going?” Lucas asked.

“Over to Steve’s.”

The boys looked at each other and ran for their shoes. Sure enough, they left the Wheelers’ basement, circled around the house, and found the blue Camaro waiting in the cul-de-sac. 

“Woah woah woah, what the hell is this?” Billy said hoarsely. He peered over his sunglasses at the teenagers filing into his backseat.

Max shoved a bottle of water towards him. “You’re not drinking enough, again.”

“Don’t bitch at me. Tell your friends to scram.”

“Are you really going over to Steve’s?” Will began.

“What do you know about Steve hanging out with my girlfriend?” Mike joined.

“Steve’s got a pool, right?” Lucas directed at Max.

Billy revved his engine with a sharp right turn, throwing all of them to one side of the car. Max held her head from where it had hit the window. “Cool it, you shouldn’t even be driving in the first place.”

“My blood did not turn black for this bullshit.”

The kids in the back stared out of the windows like Loch Nora was a safari tour. At the sound of the Camaro’s engine, Steve trotted down the slope of the lawn in swimming trunks with a towel around his shoulders, waving them through the gate.

Will and Lucas sprinted after him. Mike followed at a skeptical pace while Max lingered for Billy’s sake. No one noticed that Billy wore pink and turquoise swimming trunks that fit more to Steve’s taste.

Mike sure as hell noticed the red and purple, woven friendship bracelets that El and Steve wore, though. The pale, skinny nerd just stared, dumbfounded between Hopper floating contently over the pool, El laughing in a one-piece covered in hibiscus flowers, and Steve sitting at the foot of Billy’s lounge chair.

Then Robin strolled through the gate with a stack of pizza and chicken wing boxes. “All right, we ready? What are you doing, dweeb? It’s a 101 degrees out. Get wet.”

And shoved Mike Wheeler right into the pool.

[17caratssi]

Wonwoo! Will you stay

Jeon Wonwoo! A short series pt one | two | three | four After the rejection, Wonwoo finds your persistence cumbersome. Surprisingly, the quarrel results in you getting new friends.

Our current parents are not the ones who really had you. In actuality, you were adopted to a loving couple that has had no child for 7 years. Your biological parents were too poor to raise another child, and they chose to put you into adoption when you were only 5 months.

When the couples saw you in the centre, they immediately fell in love with you and agreed to take you as their child. You had your name registered under your father's last name and basically became the daughter of their family.

It was illegal at that time, but your parents were desperate to have a child.

It didn't shock you the first time you were disclosed to this information. You don't look like your mother or father, and the brats at school keep suggesting that you're adopted. Your parents then decided to tell you despite your young age.

"You are our daughter. No matter what others say, we love you with our full hearts. Don't forget that, darling," was what your mother told you 12 years ago.

You know they are the best family you could ever have, and they always do. Occasionally, you would thank them. Your mother was never fond of you thanking them, and your dad doesn't have the heart to scold you for the same reason.

He hates it too, but you want them to know that you're very grateful to them.

Your father turns to look at you and stroke your head tenderly. "Where can I find the best daughter like this in this world?"

"You can't anymore. The world only has one best daughter, and that's me~."

"You're super right!" he pinches your nose playfully and has you giggle. "Let's go home. Mommy said she has something for you,"

The next day, you walk to your seat and sit quietly. You feel quite tired from the lacking of sleep. Your friend from America called you last night, and it continued until 3 in the morning. You were too guilty to tell her that you have school in the morning and have to sleep.

In the end, you only got 3 hours of sleep before getting ready for school.

You rest your head on the table and shut your eyes. The students are not making any noises, and you quickly fall asleep.

Wonwoo comes in when you already wake up. He is pretty late as compared to others.

You greet him with a good morning and directly ask. "Your house isn't that far. Why are you late?"

Wonwoo pulls his chair and sits. He's quiet on usual, so you don't know if he's normal or moody.

"Wonwoo, what do you think they have for lunch?"

"Wonwoo, can you teach me Physics? I'm most terrible at it.."

"Wonwoo, what club are you planning to join? Let me join you, OK?"

"Wonwoo, what did you say?" you ask again. You have lost count of how many times to call his name. Wonwoo... Wonwoo... It just rolls off the tongue.

Wonwoo raises his head and faces you. He opens his thin lips and repeats his words.

"You're. So. Freaking. Annoying," he utters word by word as if tearing your heart pieces by pieces. It sends you into speechless mode.

Though he tries to speak through his teeth, some students can still hear him. The girls in front of you are flabbergasted by the vulgar word Wonwoo used.

Never have they ever assumed Wonwoo could be crude to a girl. They study your face, but you're smiling.

"I thought I made it clear yesterday that I'm not at all interested in you. I find you annoying since the first time we meet. You're just a stuck-up rich kid that has no shame," Wonwoo canes his chin with his palm and continues.

"Just look at you. Which part of you is charming? I'll tell you this. Maybe you can get the white boys to line up within a snap of a finger, but I'm not like them. I hate all the girls most when they're rich and think they're superior to others. I don't have to clarify with you which category you're in, right?"

When you and the girls think he's done, you all are wrong.

"I think I should be more clear with you-"

"Enough." the girl with shorter hair stands up and kicks his table. "You could've just rejected her nicely, but you prefer being an asshole, don't you?" she says. Her eyes are burning with rage as he stares at Wonwoo, and they only calm after her seatmate pulls her arm.

"Yeah, Somi's right. I'll talk to the teacher about this, Y/N. We'll have you swap seats with some boy," you read her nametag- Umji, and you're about to say something when Wonwoo interferes.

What he has to say is just him admitting that he agrees with Umji. "Tell everything to the classroom teacher. I can't be bothered sitting next to someone's so annoying,"

"Stop it now, will you?" Somi flares again, and Wonwoo resumes his previous business.

Umji and Somi really keep their word and tell the homeroom teacher the morning incident. The arrangement changes, and you sit with a girl in the second row.

Since then, it's quite difficult to peek at Wonwoo without being noticed.

Every day after school ends, Wonwoo flees before you catch up to him. You want to apologize to him, but the whole week has passed. In the meantime, you make friends with Somi and Umji. The depressing, lonely days become less severe with them.

During the recess, the three of you go to the field and settle on a metal bench. Somi's boyfriend is a basketball player, so she always watches over him at the basketball court.

"Why are your face so red, Y/N?" Umji cups your cheeks and jiggles them. "Are you sick?"

You shake your head from side to side and breathes out loudly. You've been holding to ask them about Wonwoo, and now's the time!

"I want to ask something, but don't get mad. How's Wonwoo's doing?" you literally rap.

"Slow down, Y/N! I don't get you-" Umji holds your shoulder and soothes your nervous heart, but Somi is quick-witted. She reiterates to Umji and then glances at you.

"What's so nice about that a-hole? You still think about him?"

Umji doesn't deny that, but she's curious about Wonwoo. "I don't know. Is it me, or Wonwoo appears to be quieter after you change seat,"

"It's good, though. I hate it when he opens his filthy mouth. I can't forget what he said to Y/N!" you keep silent when Somi makes a comment.

"Maybe he cares about me after all?" you say, unabashed.

Somi frowns and leans forward. "Have you lost your mind, Y/N?"

You shake your head rapidly. "To be honest, I don't feel angry at him for saying that to me. I was wrong in the first place, so he has all the right to snap at me," you sip the grape juice.

Somi and Umji are in disbelief, and it entertains you.

"I don't know if this is true love or you're too naive,"

Umji chooses, "True love, it is," which sounds extremely unpleasant to Somi. She turns away and fakes a gag. "Blergh! Don't you dare encourage her, Umji,"

"Let's go to class," Somi says after regaining her composure. You've been straining the urge to pee since the break started; therefore, you excuse yourself to the toilet, and the two go back to the class without you. On the way, you accidentally bump into your seatmate, Ahin, in the toilet.

She's with her friends, talking about someone.

As you enter a cubicle, you hear a familiar name being mentioned by a girl.

"Wonwoo..." following after is barely audible, "...bullied,"

.

Wonwoo packs his things up and is ready to leave. He hangs the strap on his shoulder, crossing his torso and kicks the chair. The others who are aware of his precedented action make way for him.

You see him and quickly follow after. Close.. very close, and you grab by his bag.

"You're so fast!" you pant.

"Let go,"

"No! Are you getting in or not?" Not responding to you, you pull him by force into the elevator. Good thing; there's no one else besides you two.

You don't waste a second as you make a quick X-ray on him.

"No bruise, no cuts? Are you really being bullied?" you are still gripping his hands while asking him.

Not liking the skin contact, Wonwoo twists your limbs, dominates your wrists and rebukes. "I'll not repeat it. Get your hands off me!"

"I won't do so until you tell me," You undo the action and hold his again. "Are you being bullied, or you're the bully?"

The elevator opens, and Wonwoo escapes. You're too weak to hold against him, but he was just being kind as to not hurt you.

Since you can't do that again, you just chase after him a bit before jumping on his back. You adjust his bag and cling tightly to his neck.

"What are you doing? People are watching-"

"You don't like the attention, right? You might as well answer me!'

Wonwoo stops in his track. It's dangerous to move since you're not stable.

He exhales.

"The latter. Satisfied?"

"You're the bully?" you stretch your head to look at him. You did not expect that answer from him and squeal nonetheless.

"Thank god! I thought you're being bullied 'cuz if that's the case, I don't know what I'd do,"

What was that?.. Wonwoo wonders how could someone be happy when they're just met with a bully.

"Aren't you a fool?" he struggles to stand straight as you shift your weight to the side. "Get down now,"

"Oh," You climb down and instantly admire him again. "You're so cool!" with your clapping hands, you quick to remind him. "Don't let anyone bully you, alright?"

"My dad's here. Bye, Wonwoo!"

Wonwoo can't read you. He looks up to the sky and ponders. "Why would I listen to just anyone..."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Sorry for the short chapter. The next ones are much longer, at least to me lol (¯▿¯)

If you like this story, you might as well check out the others here !

[narrans]

Everyone needs a little Hero | Hero’s Little Conversation

Hero spent the next few hours contemplating his interaction with the little girl, Maggie. It hadn’t occurred to him that humans were just and dangerous toward each other as they were for someone like him. He found himself asking so many questions about what their lives were like, Borrowers only being able to see snippets of what went on in their daily lives.

 Despite living among them all his life, Hero soon concluded that what Borrowers truly knew about humans was only a fraction of what really went on. They got their food from someplace which Hero thought he heard being called the “Market;” but what did that look like? This building was big, but was it the biggest? What happened when they were really sick? Where did they go?

 Hero stopped in his tracks on his way when he remembered his promise. Sam. The train of thought going from sick people ended with thinking about Sam. Was he okay? Did the coughing stop?

 At the moment, Hero was at the floor joists between where he would turn to go back home or make his way to the human boy’s room in the other apartments. His parents weren’t expecting him home anytime soon. And… I did promise. But was he ready? Sure, Sam promised he wouldn’t say anything as long as Hero came back, but there was that instinctual fear that Sam might’ve simply needed time to get things together to keep him.

 Hero shuddered at the possibility. He nervously glanced about to make sure no one was watching before looking back through his bags and supplies. No food rations and just a little water, but there are things I can use to escape if need be in here. Hero paused at that thought. Would he even have what it takes to escape if one of the humans he was trying to help did capture him?

 No. He couldn’t think about that, and the humans he was helping would never try to capture him. At least, that’s what he thought optimistically as he turned down the hallways to Sam’s room.

 ~~~~~^*^*^~~~~~

 Hero slid down the line he secured from the ceiling to his original perch on top of the bookshelf once he made it to Sam’s room. The human boy was currently sitting on his bed with something covering his ears and a device in his hands. The Borrower couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Sam seemed to have color in his cheeks once again and him being distracted let Hero belay to the top of the shelf without being detected.

 With a quick whip of the thread, the hook came free and landed on top of the shelf for Hero to use once again to reach the bottom shelf of the bookcase. The bold Borrower had determined that he wouldn’t get too close just in case while also upholding his promise. He never promised he would get close enough for Sam to touch anyway. Also, being on the bookshelf let Hero be close to eye level with Sam – another chip in his favor (and Hero loved chips).

 The bookshelf was set up so there were shelves in the top half of the furniture piece and a cabinet below. Where the top and bottom met created the perfect lip for him to stand, which is exactly what he did. The bed was just beside the bookshelf and the bedside table next to it, creating an interesting “L” shape.

 Hero slid down the braided line until he finally reached the lip. The line stayed where it was near the back of the bookshelf near the wall for easy access while Hero tiptoed to the middle of the bookshelf lip and stood as he looked past the enormous blankets and comforter at Sam. The device in the human boy’s hands was black with one side red and one side blue and, seemingly, possessed all of his attention.

 All of his attention, that is, until he sighed heavily, shoulders slumping, and set down the device in his lap to stare at the ceiling. Sam went to raise the device again when his eyes caught sight of the small boy he saw just yesterday afternoon. Immediately, his hands flew up to his head, dropping the electronic box in his lap, to push his headphones from his ears onto his neck – all while not breaking eye-contact with Hero.

 Hero watched the boy jolt into action, which made his heart jump and start mercilessly pounding in his chest. The Borrower boy held his breath reactively as that strange rectangular block was set down and the things from Sam’s ears were removed. His skin felt as though it were on pins and needles and squirmed under the human’s gaze. That little voice in the back of his mind warned him to run and hide, but Hero instead stood his ground. Heroes were supposed to be brave after all.

 Still, he was more than thankful that Sam was the one who spoke up first, not knowing what exactly to say to him now that he was standing in front of him.

 “Woah, you’re actually real.” These were dangerous words that sent chills up Hero’s spine. As his panic and nerves attempted to overthrow him, Hero took a calming breath and smiled.

 “Hello Sam,” he said, trying to speak up. “I… er… I’m back, just like I said.”

 Sam pulled the cushioned device off of his neck and set it to the side along with the colorful rectangle. Then, quite suddenly, began scooting down the length of his bed toward Hero. The rapid lunging motion made Hero’s heart skip a beat and instinctually he attempted to take a step backwards; however, his back was already pressed against the back of the bookshelf.

 The smile on his face must’ve changed into a look of sheer and instinctual panic because Sam suddenly stopped advancing when he was a couple of feet away. Sam’s eyebrows scrunched on his face as he squinted to better read the facial features of the sandy brown haired, green-eyed Borrower. The human boy now looked confused as the slightly panicking Hero tried to get a hold on himself.

 “Are… you okay?” asked Sam, now holding still. Hero swallowed dryly, a lump trying to restrain his breathing, and forcefully nodded.

 “Y-yes,” stammered Hero. “Just… startled is all. I didn’t know you’d get so close so fast. But it’s okay. Sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.” Sam looked mildly taken aback, a partial grin tugging on the side of his mouth.

 “You’re apologizing to me? After admitting I’m the one who spooked you. Wow, you’re weird,” said Sam. Hero felt his ears get warm and he averted his eyes. No one said being a hero would be easy. He thought to himself.

 Sam looked away and, after a nervous chuckle and seeing Hero’s reaction, continued. “Naw, I’m… the one who should say sorry. I just didn’t know if you were real or not and wanted a closer look. Sorry. And… uh… thanks for the other day. Finding my inhaler.”

 Hero felt the hair stand up on the back of his neck. His tensed shoulders suddenly seemed lighter, like a weight had bee pulled off of them. Thanks. I got a thank you. My first one!

 The fluttering nervousness and panic almost instantly evolved into excitement as Hero looked back up in time to see Sam looking up at him. This time, his eye-contact felt reassuring and a small swell of pride grew in Hero’s chest. Hero couldn’t stop the ear to ear smile he now had on his face.

 “You’re welcome. I’m just glad I was able to help in time,” replied Hero, hands clasped around the straps of his backpack.

 “Yeah, me too,” chuckled Sam. The boy cocked his head to one side and eyed Hero again. “So, what exactly are you? I mean, where did you come from? And why are you so small?”

 The human boy’s rapid firing of questions put Hero on the spot, making him feel a little nervous again. Hero had already come up with a few things he shouldn’t say for the protection of his family and his kind, but he wanted to be honest at the same time.

 “I… well. I’m from here. I’ve always been this size, but I’ll get taller soon. Maybe not as tall as you, but taller for me,” replied Hero, glossing over the first question which seemingly went unnoticed by Sam.

 “Wow, so you’ve always been…” Sam used his thumb and index finger to mimic Hero’s height. Hero nodded.

 “Yep, but I’ll get taller soon,” reiterated Hero. Sam bit his lip and nodded.

 “So, what are you called? Like, what are you?” Hero hoped he wouldn’t have to answer this question, but Sam seemed intent on knowing. He didn’t need to know about Borrowers. He just needs something to call me. At least, that’s what I hope anyway.

 “Well… I’m… uh… Hero,” said the green-eyed boy.

 “A Hero?” asked Sam.

 “No. Well, yes. I’m a hero, at least I’m trying to be, but that’s also my name – Hero.” Sam gave the Borrower boy another curious look.

 “You’re a hero? And your name is Hero? Don’t heroes have to be, you know, big? With capes and stuff? I mean, you don’t have a costume or powers or anything,” asked Sam. Hero bit his lip before puffing out his chest and standing just a little bit taller.

 “It doesn’t matter what size a hero is. A hero is anyone who can make a difference to someone else – and that’s exactly what I’m doing. You don’t have to have a cape or be big. There are people who don’t have those and help every day,” said Hero firmly and proudly.

 “Isn’t that hard for someone like you though? How do you even get around? Is it with that hook thing I saw you with last time?” asked Sam, drinking in Hero’s answers and giving him every ounce of his attention. Hero nodded.

 “Yeah, I use it to get around. I have to climb from place to place; and it isn’t that hard once you get the hang of it,” replied the Borrower. Sam looked at him in complete fascination and awe.

 “Wow, that sounds dangerous and really cool,” muttered Sam, now glancing away from Hero for the second time since his arrival. “I wish I could do stuff like that.”

 “Well, you can! I mean, it’s like I said. You can be a hero too,” encouraged Hero with a thoughtful smile. At this, Sam shook his head.

 “No, not really. I can’t do all of the climbing and stuff; plus my asthma gets in the way of pretty much everything,” muttered Sam, a hint of frustration in his tone.

 Asthma? What’s asthma? Hero’s bubbling curiosity from so many unanswered questions couldn’t be contained. He asked me a lot of questions. Maybe he could answer some of mine.

 “Hey, Sam, sorry for asking, but what’s asthma?” asked Hero. Sam glanced back up at his newfound green-eyed friend.

 “You’ve never heard of asthma?” asked the boy, to which the Borrower shook his head. “Wow, you’re pretty lucky then. Asthma is just a thing I have. It means I have trouble breathing if I get too excited or if I breathe dust or things like that. There’s a lot that happens, but mostly it’s just the breathing thing.”

 “Wow. I couldn’t imagine not being able to breathe. So, you can’t climb or run or anything?” asked Hero. Sam shook his head. “Not really. The doctors said I could grow out of it, but that might not be for years.”

 “Doctors?”

 Hero hadn’t realized he asked the question until Sam started to answer. “Yeah, they work in hospitals and take your blood and listen to your heart and breathing and give you medicine to take so you can get better.”

 Hero felt the color drain from his own face. “They take your blood?! Do they give it back? Or do they just keep it?” At this, Sam started laughing.

 “Yeah, that’s one way how they can tell what’s wrong with you. They look at your blood. They don’t give it back; and don’t look so worried, it’s just a little bit.”

 Hero had to admit he was completely fascinated. The thought of just looking at blood from a scratch and knowing what was wrong was astounding. Humans really were incredible.

 “So, a hospital is where you go if you’re sick and need to see a doctor?” asked Hero, to which Sam nodded.

 “Yeah. It’s not fun, but sometimes you get a sucker at the end, so I guess it’s not all bad,” replied Sam. “Do you not have doctors?”

 Hero shook his head, his sandy brown hair flopping back and forth slightly. “No, but w… I don’t get sick too often, so it’s not a problem.” Hero hoped Sam wouldn’t notice his partial slip-up.

 “Lucky,” murmured Sam. They sat in an odd silence for a minute or so, at which point Hero suspected it was time to leave.

 “Well, I’m glad you’re doing better now Sam. Um… I’m sorry, but I have to go now,” said Hero, taking a moment to readjust the pack on his back. Sam looked instantly disheartened.

 “No, don’t go yet,” pleaded Sam. “Can’t you stay for a little bit longer? We can keep talking or I can show you my game or get a snack. I don’t know. I didn’t tell anyone about you if that’s what you’re worried about. Do you really have to go?” Hero, bombarded with so many new and exciting options, wasn’t quite sure how to respond. He knew he needed to leave and that he shouldn’t stay for too long, but Sam seemed like he wanted someone to talk to.

 “Well,” started Hero. “Since you didn’t tell anyone about me, I guess I could stay a little longer; but then you have to let me leave. I have more hero work to do.” Sam, elated, grinned broadly.

 “Great! Which one do you want to do?” asked Sam. Hero thought for a moment. He knew Sam had a lot more questions, and Hero had questions too; but, he didn’t want to give too much away.

 “Um… why not show me your game?” prompted Hero as he sat down on the bookshelf lip, slipping his pin and backpack off to his side. Sam nodded and reached over to the small rectangular device he was holding earlier. The motion was so quick it made Hero’s head spin. He could only imagine how fast Sam could be if he put his mind to it.

 Sam hesitated, glancing at Hero before asking, “Is it okay if I get closer? That way you can see the screen?” Hero waited a second before giving his permission with a brief nod. Sam’s smile returned as he turned around, his immense back to Hero, and scooted backwards until his back was against the bookshelf like Hero’s back. What was once two feet of distance changed to two inches, but this time didn’t unnerve Hero like it had before. Sam was safe – at least that’s what Hero believed about the human boy.

 For the next half an hour, Sam explained the levels and the game. The Borrower learned this thing was called a “Switch” and had lots of games on it. One with “cars,” one with little rings, and one where you solve puzzles and farm. It was a nifty little device and, by the end, Hero felt a pang of sadness that he had to leave.

 This time, Sam didn’t resist and, instead, offered to help Hero leave instead of climbing to wherever he needed to go. Hero had to admit it was tempting to not have to scale the entire top half of the bookshelf, but just the thought of stepping onto a human palm made his insides weak with nervous butterflies.

 Hero thanked Sam for the offer but elected to climb instead. Sam was obviously disappointed but understood. It was perfect timing. Sam’s parents just arrived and were calling his name. The human glanced back at Hero and gave a small wave.

 “Bye Hero. Will I see you again?”

 “I hope so,” replied Hero as he tugged on the line to make sure it was secure.

 “Tomorrow?”

 “I don’t know. I’ll come as soon as I can, promise.” Satisfied with the answer, Sam nodded, pushed himself off of the bed, and left the room for Hero to ascend the line and vanish into the walls once again. The experience was a success in Hero’s mind. Talking to a human was still very scary, but Sam seemed to understand Hero wasn’t a plaything; and he hoped it would stay that way.

 Hero had heard stories from others about humans tricking Borrowers into coming out, talking, showing themselves, before being captured or persuaded to stay. Hero knew he was young, but he hoped he could make the right decision and stay vigilant.

Continue

Previous

Beginning

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 5x03-- And the court had a clerk...

Hello again! It’s nice to have this show back. This episode was a bit less of a standout than the previous two, but I’m still happy with the overall direction for this season. More under the cut (or here, because tumblr sucks). 

When Robert King tweeted the episode title, I asked him if all the titles this season were adding up to one long sentence/story, hoping he’d confirm it and give a little more information. He did! He said it’s “in the Farmer in the Dell mode” and while I think I get what he’s saying, I’m very curious to see how it plays out. Haven’t been able to track down 5x04′s title yet, but the promo is out. (As of this morning! It’s interesting they’re not putting them after the episode this year; I kind of like it.) 

Kurt’s job is up in the air given the new administration. I think this scene exists mostly just to remind us where Kurt works and the stakes.

What month is this supposed to be in? The transition seems recent but no one is wearing masks.  

Kurt spots a poster asking for help ID’ing people at the Capitol on January 6th. He thinks he recognizes someone...

And now we’re in case of the week land. This case is about a small business owner whose business went under after someone created fake news articles accusing him of pedophilia.  

I think the whole point of this (kind of long) scene is to show that this case is a pretty small deal. Low stakes, inexperienced opposing lawyer. (Not even sure why Liz would be arguing this in court, but whatever.)

Tbh I thought this was going to wind up in 9 ¾ court.

Now that we have junior level characters, we get scenes showing that there are, in fact, people at RBL who are mid-level. Liz asks an associate to work on something, he asks another associate to work on it, she delegates to other associates, and they delegate to Marissa and Carmen. This work seems terrible.  

It’s so funny to me how this is probably more realistic than most of the lawyering on the show and yet it only shows up selectively. We only see the hierarchy here to make it clear that Marissa and Carmen are at the bottom.  

David Lee interrupts and asks for Carmen. He’s very rude to her. Interestingly, she’s hesitant to leave her grunt work and follow David, even though she must know he outranks the associate who gave her the grunt work.

“Why am I supposed to know you?” David asks her as they walk through the halls. “I don’t know if you are,” Carmen responds. “Why does Benjamin Dafoe know you?” he asks. She doesn’t know who he is.  

“Who are you?” Dafoe asks when Carmen enters. She states her name, again. “Why are you important?” he asks. “I don’t think that I am,” Carmen responds.  

Then Dafoe says his top client, and it’s a name that the characters all know. I’m glad this scene is free of any “he’s the white OJ” expository lines (that’s from Sweeney’s introduction) -- it’s clear from the reactions and the discussion of police and rape that the top client is a bad guy, probably a rapist. The rapist wants Carmen to represent him.

Putting 2 and 2 together, Carmen asks if the rapist knows Rivi. He’s not, but he’s at the same prison. As soon as Carmen says she’s representing Rivi, David Lee switches gears, understanding the situation and trying to sign the new business. He’s so shameless!  

Marissa sorts ALL the papers. There are a LOT of papers. I’m swamped. Look at all this paper.

She catches the associate who assigned her the task leaving for the night just as she finishes up, and cheerfully notes she’s finished the task. Then the associate mentions this was only half of the bills. Marissa does not like that. Since her goal in wanting to be a lawyer is mostly just to give her something exciting to do and earn respect... this hierarchy thing is not going so well.

Marissa decides that after her rough day, she’s going to stop by Wackner’s court. He’s in the middle of a case about Emily in Paris fanfiction and he’s very happy to see Marissa.  

Wackner’s night court has a program—it notes the sponsor is Copy Co-op (I thought it was Copy Coop?) and the paper products were also provided by them. And “there will be regular intermissions at the discretion of Judge Wackner.” It’s very theatrical.  

Wackner takes a recess and calls Marissa to his “chambers.” He asks for her thoughts on the case. “All they want is attention and to feel like they’ve won,” Marissa notes. Wackner’s on the same wave length and compares it to the Scarecrow’s diploma at the end of The Wizard of Oz. So, he makes copyright certificates and some minor modifications to each of the fanfic books. They say “I respect you and I love you” and that’s that.

Wackner catches Marissa before she leaves and asks her to be his law clerk—part time or full time, 10% of all the legal filings and unlimited use of copy machines. She is hesitant because she “doesn’t even know what this is.”

Wackner says his court is “the future.” Marissa turns him down; notes she wants to pass the bar. “You know why all these people are here? ‘Cause the courts and the lawyers and the appeals have made justice... unattainable. Out of reach. To anyone who doesn’t have a shitload of money to wait it out. That’s why Exxon beats out Mr. Nobody. Read Kafka’s Before the Law.”  

I just read it, and you should too! It literally is a page, but tl;dr, there’s a man who wants to get to the law and instead he spends his whole life trying to win over the first of many gatekeepers on the path to the law. He never gets through the gate.  

“Justice is only just if it’s available to everyone,” Wackner says. Marissa thinks about that.

As I said last week, it’s smart that Wackner makes so much sense. Hearing him say all this, knowing that it’s true... it makes it very easy to get on board with the thought experiment. Of course there would be huge repercussions to this kind of system, but it makes so much sense it’s compelling TV!

Kurt’s showering when Diane gets home, which gives her time to stumble across the WANTED poster and notice that Kurt has drawn facial hair onto one of the pictures. “Who is this?” she asks him. “No one,” he says. “Well, you drew in a beard and a moustache on him,” Diane notes. Kurt says he was doodling, but Diane calls him out as he is the “exact opposite of a doodler.” Kurt says he thought it was someone he knew, but he’s not sure. Diane pushes him to tell the feds. Kurt reiterates he’s not sure, but it’s someone he went shooting with. “Oh my God, then it’s him,” Diane jumps to (not incorrect) conclusions. Kurt says he didn’t talk that way; he’s a veteran. “Kurt! That’s the profile!” Diane argues. Kurt isn’t convinced and he doesn’t want to be responsible for naming names. He notes he’ll be threatened with indictment for not naming names and then only lawyers will end up benefitting. Diane is not convinced.

I think this is an interesting conflict for Kurt and Diane. I understand why Kurt is hesitant to speak out before he’s sure. And I understand and agree with Diane that it’s important to identify the attackers and prevent anything like that from happening again.

I don’t mean to blame Kurt, exactly, but I feel like all of what happens next could’ve played out differently if Kurt had been just a little clearer with Diane about why he was hesitant to ID the man. Like, the threat of indictment for not naming names sounds like some typical anti-government rambling. Saying you specifically are afraid that this will turn back on you and you need to weigh your options and come up with a plan first would put Diane in a very different mode, in which they’d work together to craft the best strategy. Because this man would’ve been ID’d by someone, sooner or later, and Kurt would’ve needed to be prepared.  

Diane stares at the wanted poster at work and asks Jay to find his identity. He’s on the FBI TEN MOST WANTED? Ten!? Ok!  

Diane shares the extra information she has—the gun range and that he’s a veteran—and Jay gets to work.  

Turns out there’s no money in the case that Liz, a name partner, is working on and Marissa just spent all those hours sorting bills for. I could’ve told you there was no money in that case lol.  

Jay IDs the guy very fast. He’s faster than the feds because they didn’t know where he shot. The range had his license on file, and Jay got ahold of it.

“Well, we don’t pay you enough,” Diane says. “Oh, I know that,” Jay laughs.  

Diane says she’s going to think about calling the feds—it's definitely the same guy.

Marissa notes someone high profile (David Cord, who I presume is a thinly veiled stand-in for David Koch given the name, his role in the plot, and the fact that he is “David Cord of the Cord Brothers”) in the lobby giving a fake name and goes to tell Liz.  

David Cord is performing magic tricks for the receptionists (they don’t recognize him) when Liz and Marissa show up. “I knew your father. I hated your father,” Cord says. “Yes, well, he hated you too,” Liz says. He says he gave a fake name to see what the reception would be like since he’s kinda infamous.  

Liz introduces Marissa as one of the law clinic lawyers. Marissa knows what to say in this situation. Specifically, she knows that it is the exact right moment to name drop her father.  

“Democrats as far as the eye can see,” Cord notes. At that, Liz asks Marissa to get Julius involved.

More good expository work! (No, editor feature of Word, I do NOT want that to say “Better expository work,” that would change my meaning, go away and please stop grading my recap??? I don’t know how I brought this up but it’s telling me my score is 72%, so a C, and it’s driving me crazy. Oh, now I’m a 71%. It had me at like, 50%, because I had written “Wackner” and “Wackner” is not a word. No shit.)  

Anyway, back to the exposition. I like that we don’t get a line like, “Liz! David Cord, the Republican super donor, is here!” We just get to see Liz’s reaction, Cord’s hate of Liz’s father, and the line about democrats. Then it becomes clearer who Cord is.

Just noticed Liz is wearing an Apple Watch.

Liz stands for her meeting with Cord, likely to maintain power. Cord says January 6th changed everything to him and now he’s all about unity and loving America.  

Cord has something to say about Liz’s case, the one that’s not making any money, and he seems to know quite a lot about it. That spooks Liz.  

Then Cord offers her $12 million to continue the case for another six months (all of these months, seemingly, will play out in the couple of days the rest of this episode takes, but, whatever). He just wants them to go after the social media company that distributed the fake news... and Section 230.

Don’t know what that is? Now you do, because there is a Good Fight short! These work so much better when they’re actually needed (explaining concepts, etc.) than when they’re trying to force one into every episode (remember that Downton Abbey one? What... was that?)  

I was talking to @mimeparadox about this short and he pointed out that this short has a VERY clear POV on an issue that actually doesn’t seem to be all that straightforward. If you’re like me and only had a vague sense of what Section 230 was prior to this episode, this short is telling you what to think of it—it isn’t just explaining what it is.

I do tend to agree with the show’s POV on most things, but this is an issue I’d like to read more on. I love how Section 230 was something I hadn’t really read up on prior to this episode and now that it’s been on TGF I realize it’s something that actually, yes, I would’ve been interested in knowing about earlier. Is this because things that are on TGF are interesting to me because they’re on TGF or is it because TGF generally only discusses things that would be interesting to me? Probs a little bit of both.  

Diane asks Jay how to make an anonymous phone call and he hands her a burner phone. She calls the FBI with the rioter’s name. She doesn’t leave her name and then she dumps the phone.  

Credits! Did you catch there’s a Jordan Boatman in the credits? She plays one of the associates who passes down the grunt work to Marissa, and she’s Michael Boatman’s daughter in real life! She’s also been in one other episode, in season 3.  

I never get tired of these credits!  

The RL partners (and some associates who are on the case? I think these are the same ones who delegated the work to Marissa?) debate whether or not they should take Cord’s money. Madeline notes that he’s funded a lot of Republican campaigns; Julius notes that both Republicans and Democrats agree that Section 230 is flawed and this is an opportunity for unity.

Diane notes that the right doesn’t want to stop conspiracy theories from spreading, so is this really that bipartisan? “It would help if the boomers would stop falling for those conspiracy theories and sharing it with their friends,” an associate (I believe this is Michael Boatman’s daughter again) notes. That quiets the room and the partners all glare at her. Yeah, that was a kind of stupid thing to say. First of all, it’s just not appropriate to say to the partners, and it’s also, like, missing the point? If it’s easy for conspiracy theories to spread among boomers, maybe just expecting each member of that generation to suddenly have a millennial’s understanding of the internet is the wrong strategy? Maybe there’s some structural issue here? That maybe, just maybe, this case is actually about?  

The associate also points out that the internet is currently a place where people can speak out about sexual harassment-- “they repeal section 230, and there would be no #MeToo.”

One of the partners says he doesn’t believe that—if they regulate section 230, then newspapers can actually be competitive and there’s still free speech online.  

“We’re not going back to reading newspapers, grandpa,” some associate says. What the actual fuck, dude? Who talks like that to their boss?! It’s so condescending. He’s also wrong! “Newspapers” are not just physical things... reporting by major publications still matters and will continue to matter. Like, is he suggesting that in the future all news will just be random people tweeting things they think are true with no fact checking or curation? Sure, journalism is struggling right now—but I don’t think that’s because there’s a lack of desire for well-reported news.  

I am glad the partners call him out on saying “grandpa” and honestly I’m shocked he isn’t asked to leave the discussion after that rude remark. Unless this young looking dude is a partner too? But I don’t think he is.  

Julius notes that if they’re going to pursue this case, they need money like Cord’s. At that, Liz starts to leave the meeting. “We haven’t decided if we’re taking this Cord money yet,” Madeline protests. “Of course we are,” Liz says and leaves.  

Now that’s more like it! I’m not sure if this is necessarily the best way to handle this, but she’s a) correct, they were always going to take the money because it is $12 million and an issue of interest and b) using her authority. Should Liz be making decisions totally on her own? Maybe not. Does Liz making this decision and then leaving (with everyone accepting that she’s correct) cut through a lot of bullshit and establish Liz as the one in charge? Yup.

Diane says, “Ooh-kay” with a little bit of an eyeroll after Liz exits, but she’s still laying low. I think in a different season Diane might’ve tried to push back.  

Is it me or does Baranski get a lot of material this episode we haven’t seen before? Lots of really good reaction shots/tones in this episode I don’t really think we’ve seen from Diane before. I’m impressed there’s still new stuff after 12 years.

At some point maybe I will actually write the essay I’ve been wanting to write for ages about how TGF is still so relevant despite being in a universe that should be showing its age by now. I wish I could find the first time that I called TGW a period piece set in the present day (I know it would’ve been during season five) because I think that’s the key to TGW/TGF’s enduring success. The shows always feel timely because they try to capture the present moment (which is, of course, always changing) and don’t get stuck in any one moment in time. Further, the fact that the writers are always so tuned in to events and skilled at quickly reacting to what happens in the world makes them VERY good in a pinch, which is (I think) why they’re able to make the most of unexpected situations (Josh leaving TGW, the pandemic).  

Liz and Julius bring a suit against ChumHum to attack 230. Judge Friend is initially skeptical of their argument that 230 is unconstitutional; then she’s intrigued. I am too. This argument about the press is a very interesting one. I obviously have a lot of reading to do on 230, but my take after this episode is pretty much that social media platforms have to be held responsible in some way, but I don’t think it’s feasible or desirable for them to be responsible for every single one of billions of posts. I think there has to be some way to regulate social media giants that would allow everyday people to share things and speak out but would prevent the curated (even by an algorithm) spread of fake news and make social media giants accountable when there are very public bad actors using their platforms. What that regulation would be I have no idea. I just refuse to believe that our options are to give the social media sites full immunity or to regulate the internet so strongly that no one is able to speak freely because all the platforms are worried about lawsuits.  

Over at the VA, people are being fired. When Kurt gets into his office, Madeline Starkey (wait, are there two characters named Madeline in this episode?) is waiting for him. She’s still very quirky and scary.  

Starkey says the guy that Diane reported is now saying Kurt trained him on using assault rifles and buying ammunition in bulk. Kurt notes these were topics covered in a group setting, which Starkey knew—and what she’s really after is the names of the others in the group. (She may already know them, since she knows there were five of them.)

Kurt refuses to name names and just stares at her.  

Case stuff happens! (I liked the last two episodes a lot but it’s much faster for me to just write, “case stuff happens” for some of the scenes.)

Hey, surprise Aaron Tveit! (Not really a surprise; he is in the credits. But still yay!)  

I don’t really know why Liz and Julius are talking about newspapers specifically and not all types of fact-based journalism/press? I feel like their argument is most convincing when it’s about actual newspapers (especially local ones) but still would apply to cable news...

Marissa’s still hard at work sorting papers when the associate comes back in and informs her she can stop; they’ve changed strategies and everything she’s done is now irrelevant. She also says “I forgot to tell you” at the start of that thought, meaning that she neglected to tell Marissa this important information earlier and wasted her time. Marissa is not pleased and so she goes to Wackner’s court, where Wackner now has a deli ticket machine and is wearing super-sized novelty sunglasses. Why not!

He sees Marissa and calls a five-minute recess. In “chambers,” Marissa tells him she’d like to work for him part-time but keep her RL job.  

Wackner needs her help processing more copyright certificates. He’s priced them competitively at $20 and found that a lot of writers want these certificates, even though they have no legal value. (Neither do actual copyrights, Wackner notes. And he notes that if anyone plagiarizes, they can sue in HIS court.)  

“Marissa, I’m building something here. I want you to join me. I want your advice on cases. I want to bounce legal theories off you,” he says. “What are your legal theories?” she asks. “I don’t know. That’s why I need to bounce them,” he says.  

Marissa gives him from noon to 2 and 5-7, which seems awfully ambitious for someone working at a law firm!

“That’s how revolutions are made. Back rooms of copy shops,” he says, accepting her offer.  

Kurt is sulking in the dark when Diane arrives home. He lets her know about Starkey’s visit and she immediately goes into lawyer mode. Notably, this scene does not spend much time on how Starkey found out the rioter’s name. Curious if they’re saving that for later or if Diane and Kurt both know what Diane must have done or if Kurt think’s it’s a coincidence.  

Kurt SET UP A TOUR OF THE CAPITOL for one of the veterans in his shooting group, and that tour was ON JANUARY 6TH! I really do wish he’d told Diane that upfront.  

Maybe the long pause where Kurt refuses to tell Diane which congressperson arranged the tour even after she promises she won’t say is him letting on that he knows that Diane ID’d the guy? Or maybe it’s just Kurt.  

I do not like the dead birds in Starkey’s office, mostly because I do not like thinking about dead birds.

Starkey compares Diane and Kurt to the Conways.  

And now more case stuff happens.  

Julius gets to question a witness for the first time in two years! He’s a little shaky at first but then he does a fantastic job! Yay Julius!

When Diane arrives at the office, reception is filled with around a hundred teddy bears. “What?” she asks. “Build-a-Bears. They were sent to Marissa,” the receptionist explains. “Okay... why?” Diane asks the logical next question. The receptionist does not know.  

“This one’s a Marissa bear,” she says, showing Diane a bear wearing boots and a wig. It does not look much like Marissa and it says “Hug me.”

Diane looks confused and furious at the same time. Her look here is, like, a milder version of the death stare she gives Alicia in Outside the Bubble when she learns about Alicia and Cary’s plan to leave.  

“Why don’t we, meaning you, take all these stuffed animals and put them in the conference room,” Diane instructs the receptionist. She is NOT! HAPPY! The receptionist seemed to be having fun with the bears, but clearly the right answer was to have done something with them and... not to have put them over every surface in reception. Eeek.  

Carmen’s new client, the rapist, arrives at the firm before anyone can hide the bears. “This may not be the firm for you,” his advisor/lawyer (I’m not totally sure what this dude’s job is) warns.  

Madeline notices the rapist and glares at the receptionist. “I know. I’m putting them in the conference room,” the receptionist says, thinking Madeline is upset about the bears. She is not upset about the bears.

Diane finds Marissa, who’s working with Carmen again. She asks Carmen to give them a moment.

“Why are there hundreds of teddy bears in our reception?” Diane asks. Marissa is confused. Diane shows her the Marissa bear. Marissa looks horrified and amused. “That doesn’t even look like me,” Marissa notes, completely missing how pissed off Diane is. I don’t think we have seen Diane be this direct/no-nonsense in ages.  

“That would seem to be beside the point. What is going on, Marissa?” Diane demands. Marissa suspects this is based on some advice she offered to a client who was buying a Build-a-Bear franchise and thinks this is a thank you gift. “What client? You’re not a lawyer! Why do you have clients?” Diane says exasperatedly.  

Marissa gives her a look, and Diane immediately understands that she’s been back to Wackner’s court. “Oh my God, this is about that Copy Coop court?”

“Marissa, no. By participating in that simulacrum of a courtroom, you exposed this firm to malpractice, sanctions, and God knows what,” Diane says. If that were really true, she wouldn’t have sat there and argued. I mean, I don’t know the legality of this all, but I feel like it’s a bigger optics issue than legal issue if Diane and other lawyers are willing to even consider participating?  

“If you wish to continue your employment at this firm, you will never do anything like that again. Do you understand?” Diane says. She will not hear any arguments.  

I love that Marissa is the thing that keeps Wackner coming back. It’s a good plot for her, but structurally, it also allows the show to keep Wackner around without many contrivances. Wackner sees that Marissa would understand what he’s up to, she sees that he shares some of her frustrations with the law, and they both want to work together again. It’s not like suddenly everyone’s talking about Wackner’s court and all the cases somehow end up there or anything.

The receptionist, who is having a truly terrible day, comes into announce that Kurt and Starkey have arrived. “Don’t put them in the conference room!” Diane commands, knowing that the teddy bears will be there. It’s too late, though, because the receptionist (who previously seemed to be fine at her job if bad at recognizing public figures and understanding that partners might not find teddy bears amusing) has already put them in the conference room. I feel bad for her, and don’t think the other things were her fault, but I feel like she could’ve seen this one coming...  

I find the teddy bears HILARIOUS, mostly because the reactions to them are so funny. It’s kind of the same gag as the balloons for Lucca in season two, but I don’t really care, because I’m getting to see Diane Lockhart treat hundreds of Build-a-Bears like they are a real work problem.

Starkey jokes about the bears; Kurt is silent.  

The rioter from the poster is now accusing Kurt of coming up with the STRATEGY for January 6th, which Kurt and Diane both dismiss as bullshit.  

I could do without Starkey’s musical cues.

I can’t tell if Kurt is in trouble here or if she’s just pressing him to name names. Why wouldn’t she just have rioter guy name names if he’s so eager to blame Kurt? I guess maybe if the others were actually there, he might be less likely to name the names of his actual co-conspirators? Or, Starkey might already know the names (surely the shooting range has logs) and be using this to raise the stakes.  

No one (except maybe the partner named Daniel) is happy about the rapist in reception. “Since when are we representing people like Wolfe-Coleman?” Julius asks. Didn’t these people help both Sweeney (though I think Sweeney was in some weird police brutality case and they didn’t actually want to represent him) and Bishop? And Rivi? But they draw the line here? Sure.  

Ah, there we go, an expository line-- “he’s the next Jeffrey Epstein”. Almost made it the whole episode without one of these. I’ll forgive it since it’s so late in the episode lol.  

“Did you approve this, Liz?!” Madeline demands. Liz did not. Daniel wonders if that means Diane approved it. Liz doesn’t think so and calls Diane (who happens to be walking past) in.  

“I know, the teddy bears. I’m working on it,” Diane says when she opens the door. I think the teddy bears are a bigger issue to Diane than to anyone else.  

Diane didn’t approve representing Mr. Rapey either. She’s uncomfortable that a meeting was happening without her; Madeline notes that she is standing there specifically because they wanted to involve her.  

David Lee pops up out of nowhere with the answer: one of the new associates (not Marissa, “the real one”) pulled in Mr. Rapey. Are there only two associates now even though orientation was for a big group?  

Firth is gone, btw. David Lee is the new Mr. Firth. I have no idea why David would want to be STR Laurie’s guy for managing RL but... sure, whatever? David Lee is an effective antagonist, especially in small doses, and this allows the writers to keep him around and continue the STR Laurie plot without a key guest star. If STR Laurie is still a thing, and it seems like it is going to be a thing for a while, then having David Lee take on this role makes sense for plot. Otherwise they’re going to have to shoehorn him in to every plot somehow. At least now he has a reason to be around.  

Liz and Diane take a walk to chat. Diane is worried about having David as their boss. Liz says she has a worse worry—David Lee knew exactly when to come downstairs with information, suggesting he know what they were talking about. “Would he do something like that?” Liz asks when Diane wonders if there’s a bug. “Oh, yeah,” Diane replies. Hah, yeah. He absolutely would.  

They decide to have Jay search for bugs and Liz is frustrated with how much time they have to spend on things other than lawyering. Yup.

“What is going on with all the teddy bears in the conference room?” Liz asks as they head back to the office. “It’s a long story,” Diane sighs. I also love that the teddy bears link the various pieces of the episode together—it feels like all of these threads are happening simultaneously because of that constant.  

I don’t get RL’s approach to clients. Bishop and Rivi are ok, Wolfe-Colman is not (except that actually he is fine). Cord is okay too. Do they draw the line anywhere? I know Liz was right when she said that OF COURSE they were taking the money, but is there really nothing that differentiates that situation from this one? I feel like there should be.

Marissa goes back to see Wackner. Since someone refuses to say “I respect and I love you,” Wackner reverses his ruling. This is part of the “Bad Loser Law of last Wednesday,” so the rules of Wackner’s court are clearly a work in progress.

Marissa explains she can’t be the law clerk because of Diane. She tries to connect him with a real lawyer, still not understanding exactly what Wackner’s after. “You know just enough not to crush what I’m doing here,” Wackner explains. “A real lawyer will look for reasons why not. I need someone to look for reasons why.”  

Case stuff happens. I cannot read Cord’s handwriting. Liz and Julius lose the case because Judge Friend says what’s happening isn’t fair, but it is constitutional. (So here we have, at least in the show’s POV, a good and attentive judge who can’t make decisions that make sense because she’s bound by a document written before anyone had ever dreamed of the internet.)  

Cord is waiting for Liz in her office. He’s prepared to bankroll an appeal. Did they blow thorough that $12 million already? Impressive; it’s been like a day.  

Cord says they are definitely the firm he wants. Interesting.

Now Liz wants a meeting with Carmen, so it’s Marissa who leaves the room. This scene seems like it was meant to be a different day?  

Liz wants to talk about Mr. Rapey. Carmen is, yet again, chill about the case. “Carmen, is there anyone that you would not represent?” Liz asks. Funny, Liz, I could ask you the same. Being hesitant about it is not changing the fact that you’re representing bad people. Carmen’s just cutting the bullshit.  

“I don’t understand. Is there someone you don’t want me to represent?” I love how Carmen’s incredibly polite responses always seem very pointed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Carmen’s reply, and yet it puts Liz in a place where she can’t dance around what she’s trying to say.  

“I’m just trying to get a sense of who you are,” Liz explains.  

Then Liz decides she’s going to help on the Craig Wolfe-Colman (Mr. Rapey) case, and they will keep talking about her career path. Liz, this does not seem like the right solution! You're worried about your associate representing bad people so you’re like, I know, what if I ALSO represented bad people? If your goal is to convince Carmen not to take clients like this, you’re kinda shooting yourself in the foot!  

“Are you worried about me?” Carmen says, again turning things on Liz. “I don’t know what I am about you,” Liz replies. Me either. Well, I know I'm intrigued, but beyond that, no clue!

All the bears have ended up in Diane’s office, where Wackner is waiting. He jokes about how his court is always seen as informal, yet this real fancy law office is covered in Build-a-Bears. Then he says he wants to hire RL—he's willing to pay. He wants consultation from Marissa (“consultation on legal issues”) and he’s prepared to spend a lot. And, if there’s one thing we know, it’s that they’re always going to take the money. So, they do.

I love that Wackner’s goal is to “perfect my little clubhouse of the law.” It’s a fun plot, and it also allows for the rules in his court to change (I’m sure we’re going to be treated to/subjected to a lot of whimsical gags around changing and ridiculous rules). It's also a good way to work through the thought experiment over the course of the season. It’s not like Wackner already has a system set up and it’s perfect—I'm sure we’re going to see his system run into issues and explore that more, too.  

Wackner monologues a bit here about why he’s running fake court, and he lets us know he’s going to monologue. Basically he thinks people no longer want to help people and are only motivated by their own self interest. He notes that no one talks about the Peace Corps anymore and asks the last time Diane heard anyone say those words. I’m sure I’ve heard a reference more recently but my mind went RIGHT to season one Cary Agos saying “Peace Corps. Belize,” as some kind of smarmy pickup line. This is likely not where my mind was supposed to go.

Wackner wants “A new Peace Corps. For America.” Diane’s sympathetic to that and agrees to take him on as a client.  

Wackner asks if he can take a bear. Diane instructs him to take two.  

Aaaand Wackner and Cord end up on the elevator together. Wackner hands Cord a bear, the elevator doors close, and the episode ends. Since last episode ended with Marissa and Carmen in the elevator together, I’m hoping this will be how every episode this season ends. I think using the Kings’ favorite liminal space to transition between episodes is kind of fun, and it fits with the ellipses at the end of every episode title.  

Speaking of... did you see today’s elevator-themed episode of Evil? It was written by the Kings. Those two have been obsessed with elevators for at least a decade.  

[crazy-grrrl-on-the-computer]

8 and 18 for the artist ask meme!

Thank you!!!! I half wasn’t expecting to get any Asks forthis, but I am pleasantly surprised!

I’m gonna go ahead and plop question 8 below the cut becauseit… got long… because I decided to cheat. >.

Feelfree to ask me more about my art~

18. What is yourpurpose for drawing?

Even when I was a kid, I have always drawn to illustrate theideas I had in my head either to go with a story I was writing or to tell astory in pictures. (Can you believe that once upon a time I also used to drawcomics? I still have them somewhere. ;;v;;) A few years ago, I made it my goalto draw every OC I ever created because I wanted to have the visuals to go withtheir stories. But since there are 300 and counting and I have so little energynow, the process became an endless cycle and I will forever be unable to catchup with my overactive imagination.

So, I guess what you can pluck out of that is that I draw asa creative outlet and to make myself happy. But I do hope that what I draw isable to make other people happy, too! So, if I can accomplish that, it makes mefeel even better that I can share this little joy with someone else~ nvn

Especially since lately I’ve mostly been drawing fanart ofrare ships. My art is usually highly self-indulgent is what I’m trying to say,but it brings me joy when I discover that there are other people who also sharemy interests and look forward to seeing my content.

8. What is yourfavourite piece that you have done?

Well, this is an unfair question because I have too manyfavorites to just pick one. But… I guess I’ll go through the stuff I’ve postedonline and link a few of them here instead of reposting them (because I am notin the mood to go through all of the art pieces I HAVEN’T posted just tophotograph and upload them… yet, anyway… but I may later if prompted). ^^

AKing Always Makes His Pretty Fool Dance is an old favorite because I drewit for a friend based on an idea from a roleplay we were doing with our OCs. Ihave such a great love for Magister and Smith because they have a really funand intimate dynamic that is great to portray~ I had an interesting time withthat piece particularly because there’s something so playful there about howthey’re sizing each other up and playing this game just to get closer. Theirentire story basically started with Magister challenging Smith to solve herriddles and it evolved into an intricate mind game that Smith quickly foundhimself addicted to (hence the title of the still unposted story being AnAccidental Addiction).

FriendOr Foe is another sketch illustrating a scene where two of my mer OCs meetfor the first time. Aleksander and Zane are so precious because it’s like thehappy socialite sunshine baby meets the always-on-edge-fight-to-survive lonertype and they find something they didn’t realize they were looking for in eachother. It’s very sweet but also angsty and that sketch gives me so many feelsbecause I love them. ;;v;;

I don’t really have as particular of a reason for likingthese next two aside from how much work I put into their character sheets. Daceyis such a cutiepie and despite the fact that there was a struggle to get hisdragon half to look good, I’m actually more proud of how soft his torso looksand how good the markings on his face turned out. The sheet for Brizalatook me so long to complete and the coloring!!! The reason I don’t color muchanymore is that it takes too much energy, but it looks really good here~ And Ialso just really like all the poses and how they illustrate different parts ofxyr story. >v

But anyway, enough of my OCs (even though I could and wouldgo on about them for ages if prompted) because the only thing I’m known forhere on Tumblr is fanart and I’m sure that’s what most people are expecting. XDI could say every single piece of Boueibu fanart in myart tag is my favorite, but… I’ll just pluck out a few.

Vanilla-ScentedAngel is definitely a personal favorite because of how nice the colors lookand I love the expressions on their faces~ They just look so happy and in love,and it’s very sweet and just how I wanted them to be. ^^ Arima’s smile, though…is the best part along with the rose, in my opinion.

The Kurotori/Munakata sketch I drew for TomorrowStarts Today is one of the most unexpectedly beautiful things I think I’vepersonally done (even though I was too lazy to finish drawing Kurotori’s hands//bricked) because they just look so good together. Similarly, I could say thesame for the Ichiban/Ryuusketches I drew for that series rewrite AU I’ve been planning. Iespecially love how the first one cameout because Ichiban ended up way more handsome than I had originally intended(though I’m not complaining) and the body language is just… so perfect for thedynamics I had in my head. And then I just wanted to mention my Kurotori/Gourasketches for The Darkest Night again because I will forever have too manyfeelings about them and something about those first two sketches makes mereally happy. I think it’s mostly their facial expressions and also how softthey look in the second picture that I really like.

And I’ll force myself to stop here because I pretty muchcheated on this question and didn’t particularly add any insight to thosesketches by talking about them either. //shot

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG199! ;_;

- That discussion was a lot, and raised a lot of interesting points, but wooftie did the beginning show characters going back to their bad reflexes out of habit and stress. Melanie and Jon were quick to get snappish at each other, and we know from MAG186 that Martin making tea is also his way of avoiding conflict:

(MAG186) ALSO MARTIN: We could. [SIGH] But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting, to actually help. But hey: we know all about that, am I right? MARTIN: There’s nothing wrong with comforting people. ALSO MARTIN: A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster; at worst… a muzzle.

So the fact that the sequence began with Martin asking about tea?

(MAG199) MELANIE: … So… ARCHIVIST: … Yeah. [UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE] MARTIN: Anyone want another cup of tea? [SOMETHING WOODEN SCRAPES ACROSS TUNNEL FLOOR] Well, heh, I say “tea”, it’s har– GEORGIE: We can’t keep putting it off. We need to talk about this. About what we’re going to do.

Aouch. (I wonder where the tea came from: from the London supermarket? Or were those the bags he had packed before leaving the Scotland cabin?)

- Meanwhile, Basira was providing out-of-the-box ideas or possibilities and Georgie acted a bit like a debate mediator, laying options down and trying to keep things on track. I’m especially glad that she was the one to point out that there were actually three options, counting inaction (letting the world slowly die out) as one, since, as she pointed out, she had felt guilty for not having helped Jon back in season 4 – she had told him so, she had to reexplain to Melanie again this episode.

- Although he had begun the season correcting Martin about Elias actually being “Jonah”, Jon mainly used “Elias” to refer to him this season, until they reached London and he was oscillating between the two. But since Jon told Elias Bouchard (the real one)’s statement, it’s been “Jonah” without hesitation, to the point that he corrected Georgie about it:

(MAG193) ARCHIVIST: I could kill his body, sever the link, break The Eye’s power, and… Jonah Magnus would die.

(MAG194) ARCHIVIST: Look. Right, when I said that I would “replace” Jonah in there, that’s not… I m– … That place, the centre of The Eye, i–it’s… it wasn’t made for him.

(MAG197) ARCHIVIST: I see. Destroy the Panopticon, and you release its power. Kill Jonah, and you cut the connection between the Fears and the world.

(MAG198) ARCHIVIST: Had a blazing row? MARTIN: I, uh… eh… Yeah, that. BASIRA: What? ARCHIVIST: About what we should do with Jonah. With… the Panopticon. BASIRA: Oh, about whether you should, uh…?

(MAG199) GEORGIE: One. We follow Annabelle’s plan. We destroy the Panopticon, kill Elias– ARCHIVIST: Jonah– GEORGIE: Whatever– ARCHIVIST: –Magnus.

It feels like knowing about the real Elias helped Jon distinguish the two, since he could now put a story and a personality on “Elias”?

(I’m still laughing a bit that Jon had to be That Person and interrupt Georgie. Not the point, not the moment, Jon.)

- Overall, I like how we could clearly see what was prioritised by everyone amongst the options they explored and how they approached the problem. Basically, the unknown factors came to whether other worlds were already impacted by the Fears or not, and whether the Fears would contaminate all of them or just a portion, which led to a few scenarios showing what they feared and hoped for the most:

-> Keeping the Fears in their world and sacrificing it in the process: hoping that the Fears were intrinsically tied to this world in particular, that this option would mean their absolute annihilation, and fearing that other worlds getting contaminated by them would lead to these other worlds experiencing their own apocalypse, thus perpetuating a cycle they could have stopped.

-> Throwing the Fears into other worlds to save their own: hoping that the Fears already existed in other worlds, that it would only impact some amongst an infinity of worlds, and fearing that sacrificing their world would be a pointless sacrifice if the Fears happen to exist elsewhere anyway.

Jon was behind the first plan, with a few variations (offering to accelerate the death process if necessary… which, indeed, was chilling, and Basira’s firm opposition against actively contributing to people’s murder was very necessary, but made sense as an option if the scenario was to doom this world). The others federated for the second with various priorities: Basira sounded like she could have accepted the sacrifice of this world if it came with the certainty that it would eradicate the Fears everywhere (but they do not have that certainty), while Melanie insisted on people’s own responsibility when it came to bringing around an apocalypse and the fact that hypotheticals could go both ways, while Georgie seemed more receptive to what would happen to this world for sure vs. the unknown in other universes, while Martin was refusing Jon’s option to take Jonah’s place and was receptive to other ideas. From Georgie&Melanie, there was the additional fact that they had recently witnessed the survivors, who trusted them and were under their protection, getting snatched away without them being able to do anything; from an emotional point of view, it might have pushed them to… do something, anything, that could indeed save people, while they hadn’t been able to be active until now.

* I really like that Basira was the one to point out and reiterate how unfair it was of them to take this decision, that they ultimately were very privileged compared to the main victims, trying to find ways to get people involved in the process. It does feel like she’s learned during the journey…

* Jon’s voice (weary, miserable) when he explained that he already knew what people wanted, and that it was for their suffering “to stop”, broke my heart into pieces ;_;

* Martin’s main argument (“I’d rather live the rest of my life lying awake wondering if I made the right choice, over… lying awake listening to the screams of everyone on Earth being tortured!” really echoed what had happened with Annabelle on their journey to Hill Top Road: that he couldn’t help making additional stops to relieve people’s suffering for a bit, and that he briefly lamented Salesa’s death despite Annabelle pointing out that he had made victims, since Martin “didn’t know them”. Martin reacts more strongly to what’s in front of him, uh…

* Georgie felt very End-touched this episode? “until the end”, “towards the end”, just like Beholding avatars had occasionally been punning about their patron…

* Melanie, sayer of “fuck” /o/

(MAG131) MELANIE: Oooh, fuck off?!

(MAG199) MELANIE: But if you think that’s all I care about here, then frankly you can fuck off out my tunnels on your high horse.

Jon still in the lead with four over the course of the series, we’ll see if anyone else takes the lead with MAG200…

- Overall: what was the most striking was how, at this point, Jon was indeed too disillusioned to hope for any possible positive outcome. They all made good points, about what they knew and didn’t know, about the worst and best cases scenarios – but from Jon’s point of view, it feels like the guilt has been heavy enough already, and that he couldn’t stand to add to it anymore.

(And ;; It’s especially cruel that he stuck to his line of trusting the others, that he shared the information with the others and counted on them to make a collective decision… but that he was the only discordant voice in the end. That was the risk! And it just cruelly (for him) turned out this way.)

- Amongst the points that weren’t mentioned, I’m curious that the followings didn’t come up:

* They barely talked about The Web or Jonah as, well, being the main factors resulting in the current apocalypse – as the people who wanted it to happen and worked for it. They all were ready to take the blame but… the apocalypse wouldn’t have happened if The Web hadn’t wanted to control its escape by backing up Jonah to make it happen, and if Jonah hadn’t worked for it. Yeeting the Fears into other worlds also means yeeting The Web, who now knows for sure how an apocalypse can happen, which means it will search for a crack to widen as its next escape pod as soon as it arrives somewhere else, thus repeating the cycle probably much more faster…?

* They all seem confident that once the Fears leave, they’ll be gone forever. But Gerry had raised the point in front of Jon that nobody can tell really which came first, if the Fears originated from people or caused their fears. What if the problem in the TMA world is that the Fears are produced by people – what if they would be recreated as soon as they leave (especially now that people are left traumatised and hurt)?

* They weren’t sure whether the other worlds would be very similar to theirs (“Assuming time even works the same in different dimensions.”) but… the two examples of people crossing the Hill Top Road line had come from very familiar worlds: Anya’s was almost identical (except that there was no Magnus Institute in hers – maybe no Jonah Magnus at all?) and Eowa was killed by the same army he had tried to flee. The examples both Jon and Martin read about felt really similar to their world; those could be drops in the bucket, but still…

* There was absolutely no mention of the people they lost in the course of the series. It’s a strange feeling, because when it came to it, their conclusions seem pretty disconnected from everything that had happened to them, to the point that Melanie could blurt out “We all lived with monsters in the shadows, and we just got on with it.” without being countered by anyone – although it was the most obvious lie ever (and Melanie had to be aware of it, given how she blinded herself to escape The Eye). Melanie knows in detail how her father suffered because of The Corruption at Ivy Meadows before dying. Georgie lost Alex and her ability to feel fear. Basira had to hunt and kill Daisy after she got lost to The Hunt. Jon was traumatised as kid, witnessed Helen Richardson getting taken by Michael in front of him; Martin was preyed on and groomed for The Lonely for months by Peter; Jon&Martin both lost Tim and Sasha. They know how damaging the Fears can be even at the lurking stage. I wouldn’t have been surprised if, even taking this into account, they’d still have gone with the plan to yeet the Fears (since in the best case scenario, Fears would already be present in other worlds anyway, or whatever inhabits them would be insulated to them), I’m just surprised that the topic of the people they have lost didn’t come up as a potential counter-argument, especially since we’re at the end of this journey.

- Oh gods, Jon leaving for a smoke…

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: Fine. I’m going for a cigarette. [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS] [CLICK.]

… sounded like a very bad omen, given how las time he had left people alone to smoke, it had gone, uh, pipe-murderly:

(MAG080) ARCHIVIST: I’m going to have a cigarette. Don’t… [DOOR OPENS] Don’t. [DOOR CLOSES]

Surprised that nothing bad happened when he left; if it had been at the end of an episode, I would have panicked for a week about the Watchers coming back for the others while Jon was away.

- It was the first time we’ve heard Jon smoke on tape! We knew he did thanks to a few mentions (him announcing his cigarette break to Leitner in MAG080, the fact that Daisy had found Silk Cuts in his bag in MAG091, when he had tried to give a cigarette to Gerry in MAG111) but we hadn’t heard him taking a smoke.

* … How long has Jon carried these cigarettes? Did they come from before the Change, did Jon restock at Salesa’s, did he get some from Leitner’s stashes of stuff? Or does his own stock never truly deplete, The Web providing an infinite supply of cigarettes just like the recorders keep spawning?

* We could hear the whirring sounds and the drones, Georgie joked about an “indoor smoking ban”, Jon commented he could think better here, we heard Georgie climbing stairs to reach him, so I’m guessing he was at the bottom of the tower? I like how this scene managed to feel nostalgic despite of it, with Jon being somewhere between inside and outside and hiding for a smoke – we don’t know for sure where he used to go to smoke, but Gertrude had mentioned the Institute has a courtyard.

* And just the location highlighted Jon’s situation: not “human” enough anymore to be in the tunnels, but refusing to embrace what is at the top of the tower. So, alone in that in-between.

- Gods, the Georgie and Jon scene began so adorably?

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: [LONG EXHALATION] GEORGIE: You do know there’s an indoor smoking ban, right? ARCHIVIST: They’ll make an exception for me…! GEORGIE: [FAINT CHUCKLE] ARCHIVIST: Besides, I can’t really think down there. [DRAG ON CIGARETTE] That’s not true, I can, it’s just… exhausting. Puts me in a foul mood. [INHALE] It’s better up here, close to The Eye. Thoughts come quicker. GEORGIE: … If it’s any consolation, you seemed pretty on the ball earlier. ARCHIVIST: It isn’t really but… thank you.

Friendly exes! It really took me back to the familiar bantering they shared in season 3 – except that, back then, Jon was trying to hide what was truly happening to him, and this time around, Jon was shown more open and direct about what was on his mind.

- Again, I love and hate what the scene said and showed, reminding us that… even if the plan they have chosen goes accordingly, Jon won’t be okay, as Jon had explained to Martin:

(MAG181) ARCHIVIST: Uh, these last few days I–I’ve been… getting weaker. Dizzy spells, vagueness, you’ve seen it. Being cut off from the Eye, i–it’s not good for me. MARTIN: Yeah, but if… [INHALE] If you’re that connected, that… dependent, what happens if we actually, y’know, do manage to– ARCHIVIST: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, I just need us to be moving on.

(MAG191) MARTIN: … Jon. If… When we defeat The Eye, the Fears… What happens to you? [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: Nothing good. I think it depends on what actually happens. […] If, however, we… find a way to destroy or, uh… eliminate the Powers… I’m not going to be okay. There’s… too much of me that’s part of The Eye now. I don’t… know what would be left of me without it. Maybe I just… die. Maybe I survive, but I–I lose… something. My identity? My mind? My… memories? I don’t know.

(MAG197) ANNABELLE: Most would simply lose whatever power they have been gifted. Jon would lose much of himself, the parts of him that are The Eye. But he would survive. And perhaps, more importantly, he would remain who he believes himself to be. [TAPE SQUEALS]

His moment of rest consists of coming up under Beholding’s radar again; but if they succeed, there won’t be that anymore. At best, Jon would be like he was in the tunnels, at worse, he would wither away like he did at Salesa’s, losing grasp on his memory and unable to focus. It wasn’t mentioned as a factor in their discussion (Martin and Jon had already covered this privately earlier in the season, after all), but it’s likely not something Jon has forgotten.

- Oh GODS, Georgie, no!!

(MAG199) GEORGIE: … Can I have a cigarette? ARCHIVIST: [AMUSED SNORT] … Sure. [PASSING ONE OVER]

(MAG001) ARCHIVIST: “I picked myself up as best I could, checked I hadn’t seriously injured myself, no broken bones or anything, and decided to roll a cigarette to calm myself.  That was when I heard it. [STATIC RISES] “Can I have a cigarette?” [STATIC FADES]”

Given Jon’s reaction, he had picked up on it. You either die an Archivist, or you live long enough to see yourself become the Anglerfish’s victim.

- Georgie used to smoke, and Jon knew that about her! They might have been smoking together as students, given Jon’s official chronology regarding smoking?

(MAG080) ARCHIVIST: I’m going to have a cigarette. Don’t… [DOOR OPENS] Don’t. […] Sorry, I’ve been quit for five years now, but th– [STUNNED SILENCE] … Oh. Oh god… I need to… Uh… I need to, um… [TRAILS OF ALMOST INCOHERENTLY]

MAG080 had taken place in February 2017, so five years ago was 2012, which is roughly when Jon joined the Institute (in MAG051, he had mentioned “One of [his] first cases as a researcher for the Institute in 2012”). Although, well. Jon saying that he had “been quit for five years” wasn’t super convincing when he apparently had cigarettes on him at that moment, but it’s a bit difficult to guess when Jon went back to smoking in the series (Elias’s “He’s not smoking again, is he?” in MAG039 could have been referring to him knowing that Jon used to smoke, or to Jon having started again as soon as he got the lighter; and Tim’s “I don’t mean like ‘sneaking a cigarette’ bad” in MAG079 could have been a random example, or referring to the fact that Jon was indeed having cigarette breaks in season 2 and not being super subtle about it).

- Aouch about the theme of shattering illusions and your heroes being people above all:

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: I thought you quit? GEORGIE: I did! For my health. But… it’s already the apocalypse so… I’ll need a light too. ARCHIVIST: Yeah. [LIGHTER SNICKS OPEN] [GEORGIE LIGHTS UP] GEORGIE: I tried to avoid it in the tunnels, when we had our, uh… When the others were here. […] ARCHIVIST: You didn’t want to tarnish the image of the prophets? GEORGIE: Just didn’t think they wanted one of their “revered leaders” puffing away in the corner. ARCHIVIST: [MURMURS AN ASSENT] GEORGIE: Saw a bishop smoking once when I was a kid, full Easter regalia and all. Really weirded me out.

The comparison hurt a bit by likening the survivors in the tunnels to… children who can’t really tell decorum apart from reality, but there sure was an interesting theme of Georgie being aware of how she was seen, and trying to not hurt the survivors while at the same time indirectly feeding their perception of her as “holy”.

- Okay, so. Probably what felt the biggest, most important thing in this episode was… Georgie taking the lighter, how it happened, and whether or not it will be narratively relevant.

(MAG199) GEORGIE: … Can I have a cigarette? ARCHIVIST: [AMUSED SNORT] … Sure. [PASSING ONE OVER] I thought you quit? GEORGIE: I did! For my health. But… it’s already the apocalypse so… I’ll need a light too. ARCHIVIST: Yeah. [LIGHTER SNICKS OPEN] [GEORGIE LIGHTS UP] GEORGIE: I tried to avoid it in the tunnels, when we had our, uh… When the others were here. [LIGHT METALLIC SOUND] Nice lighter. [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: Hmm? [STATIC FADES] […] I should probably quit myself, then. [LIGHT METALLIC SOUND] GEORGIE: Then, you won’t mind if I hang onto this? [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: [DISTRACTED] Hmm. [STATIC FADES] GEORGIE: … I’m sorry. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] GEORGIE: I know you hate what we’re doing.

* Static when people mention the lighter and Jon not being able to focus on it is far from new:

(MAG111) GERARD: Nice lighter. You a spider freak, then? ARCHIVIST: What? Oh! Er, n–no. I–I, I never really, uh… I never really thought of it. I–I’m Jon. I’m with the Magnus Institute. … I–I’m the Archivist.

(MAG136) DAISY: [SCOFF] She’s… Web. Spider’s sneaky like that. [PAUSE] Like that lighter you’re always using. Where’d you get that? ARCHIVIST: Mm. [STATIC RISES] Good point. We should keep our eyes open. [STATIC FADES] Anyway, how’s Basira doing?

(MAG162) MARTIN: You said this place, the–the cabin was… [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] It, it’s feeding on us, right? ARCHIVIST: Yes… MARTIN: … So should we… destroy it, before we go? […] We’re not even gonna try? We, we’ve got your lighter, maybe we could just– ARCHIVIST: We can’t fight the world, Martin.

(MAG197) ANNABELLE: And it just so happens that the perfect tool was once delivered to you as a token of appreciation. Though you really do need to learn to keep better care of it. Somehow, it always seems to slip your mind, doesn’t it? ARCHIVIST: What…? BASIRA: Jon, it’s that stupid lighter of yours. ARCHIVIST: [INDIGNANT] My what? I… [STATIC RISES] [PULLS THE GOLD LIGHTER WITH EMBOSSED SPIDERWEB FROM POCKET AND FLICKS IT OPEN] Oh? … Oh. [STATIC FADES]

What is surprising is that it still happened even after Annabelle pointed out the purpose of the lighter. If Jon is supernaturally compelled to not pay attention to it (by The Web, to ensure it stays with Jon? By Beholding, out of self-preservation, like it tried to push Jon away from Eric’s tape that explained how to quit the Archives?), how the heck was Annabelle expecting him to use it in the tunnels to explode the Archives with the gas main?

* At the end of the episode, the others explained how they would proceed, and it’s presented as a given that Jon wouldn’t be in the tunnel team – but rather, that he would go with Martin, despite being unnecessary since Martin would take care of the Jonah murder. It’s rather strange that the others didn’t ask for the lighter directly, but that Georgie took it in the flow of the conversation and in a way Jon barely noticed… as if she wanted to take hold of it sneakily because it was necessary that Jon didn’t really notice. Plus, as was explained, Melanie is supposed to be the last person standing to ignite the gas main: Basira is supposed to be a planned distraction, and Georgie is a back-up distraction in case things go sour. If the point was to get the lighter for the gas main, then Melanie should have been the one to get hold of it.

(* It’s additionally rather strange that Georgie said she had “tried to avoid it in the tunnels” when the survivors were around, implying it was a conscious choice but she might have been smoking outside when patrolling with Melanie… yet had to ask Jon for a cigarette and for a light, as if she didn’t have these things on her.)

Overall, I see three options:

* Total coincidence, red herring, Georgie just didn’t take her own lighter along because she wasn’t planning on smoking.

* Since the beginning of the episode implied that Jon&Martin&Basira had given a complete recap of what had happened to Hill Top Road before the tape recorder clicked on, Georgie took the lighter on purpose to free Jon from The Web’s potential influence. She hasn’t gone back to smoking during the apocalypse; she lied about it to lower Jon’s guard by telling a convincing story, given that Jon knew she used to smoke. Likely meaning that Georgie&Melanie&Martin&Basira have another plan in Jon’s back, but couldn’t share with him due to both the tape recorders and Jon’s connection to Beholding – if Jon knows something, then Beholding might be knowing about it too.

* It’s… actually an End thing. There was a feeling of finality when Georgie took the lighter, as if she might be taking a step that would irrevocably lead to her own death? (“The moment that you die will feel exactly the same as this one.”) She said the exact same thing (“Nice lighter.”) as Gerry, who was dead when he said it; she took the lighter for a dangerous mission; she pointed out her own regrets due to her inaction, and was the one to mention that they had to pay the cost, whatever it was, for this plan to succeed. I don’t know, I got the impression that things might be slotting into place, that her own mechanism had set into motion – that things in the tunnels will go awry, and that she won’t make it out.

- Overall, I like the different approaches characters had about their own guilt and Jon’s in this episode:

(MAG199) GEORGIE: … I’m sorry. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] GEORGIE: I know you hate what we’re doing. ARCHIVIST: I hate all the options, I just… It’s all my fault, you know? GEORGIE: What, because you weren’t able to outsmart the literal embodiment of manipulation and scheming? ARCHIVIST: Mmm. GEORGIE: We all make bad choices, Jon. It’s not your fault some eldritch horror decided yours were going– ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] GEORGIE: –to affect the whole world…! ARCHIVIST: They were still my choices. GEORGIE: … Yeah. And you live with them. Or you don’t. That’s all there is, really. ARCHIVIST: Hmm.

For Jon: what was the most apparent is that he was adamant about presenting what happened as his choices. It could be a remnant of Elia’s gaslighting about it (MAG092: “You never wanted this, no. But I’m afraid you absolutely did choose it. In a hundred ways, at a hundred thresholds, you pressed on. You sought knowledge relentlessly, and you always chose to see. Our world is made of choices, Jon, and very rarely do we truly know what any of them mean. But we make them nonetheless.”), but also a sign that Jon had been struggling about (what he perceives to be) The Web’s hold on his life: if The Web had indeed manipulated him all his life, since he was eight, puppetting him like Francis or the kids at Ray’s house, then what is left of Jon? What is his, who is he? Jon clinging to his own guilt, his own responsibility, the idea that he made his own choices at every turn, might be his way to not fall into the other extreme, the idea that he has been nothing but the Web’s marionette all along and that he’s nothing without it.

It’s also striking that the others have told Jon that the apocalypse wasn’t truly his fault, that they knew Jon hadn’t wanted it, but that Jon redirected the blame on him every time anyway. Georgie tried two other approaches in quick succession: taking The Web into account, with the idea that Jon’s particularity was that he was preyed upon by it, that the consequences were only more dramatic than regular “bad choices” because something was planning to use them anyway; and then, something that resonated more strongly with Georgie’s own experience. As she told Jon, she had regrets about not helping him, felt like she had failed him and had contributed to the steps leading to this apocalypse: she knows what it is to carry that sort of guilt, although on a smaller scale. (And her last sentence felt… extremely End-touched, too.)

- The moment of Georgie introducing that Martin (“your next appointment”) was there and that it was her cue to leave was so sweet ;_; Jon’s ex to Jon’s current partner, and both Jon & Georgie being cool about each other’s new partner in their lives…

- And gooods, Jon&Martin’s conversation ;_;

(MAG199) GEORGIE: He’s all yours. MARTIN: Thanks. [GEORGIE’S FOOTSTEPS DESCEND AND FADE] … You all right? ARCHIVIST: Yeah. Sorry it got so heated in there. MARTIN: Don’t be. I’d have been more worried if you were super calm about it. ARCHIVIST: Yeah. MARTIN: … I’d understand if you hate me right now. ARCHIVIST: What? No! No, Martin, I love you. I always will, and I know you love me too, I mean… [SIGH] That’s it, isn’t it? That’s… the real core of it. You want to save me. MARTIN: I want you to save yourself.

* The fact that Martin was ready and understanding that Jon might hate him for the option Martin defended, that he was expecting Jon to hate him for it, and that he still stuck to it… Oh, Martin… (It’s not the first time a Magnus moment made me think of the When They Cry series but… this one was peak Federika’s poem: “Don’t be sad. The world may not forgive you, but I do. / Don’t be sad. You may not forgive the world, but I forgive you. / Tell me. What must I do to earn your forgiveness?”)

* So many “I love you” coming from Jon this season…

(MAG161) MARTIN: I’m sorry. ARCHIVIST: No, it’s– [SIGH] I love you, I just… I need more time.

(MAG162) ARCHIVIST: “The screams may linger on the distant breeze, and your eye may wander beyond the curtains from time to time, but you and the one you love are, it seems… safe. […] There within the thing that pretends to be a cabin is the one you love. […] The one you love is always near, so close that refuge sometimes feels a prison.”

(MAG183) MARTIN: … I’m sure I love you. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: I love you too. [FABRIC RUSTLES] Let’s go.

(MAG191) MARTIN: … I promise. I love you, Jon. ARCHIVIST: [FOND HUFF] I love you too.

(MAG199) MARTIN: … I’d understand if you hate me right now. ARCHIVIST: What? No! No, Martin, I love you. I always will, and I know you love me too, I mean…

I really wasn’t expecting it when season 4 ended, and yet!! Jon has been so soft and open about it with Martin this season…

* I really like the nuance Martin insisted on, that he mostly wished that Jon would want to save “himself” – it’s not necessarily that Martin is right about it but… from his point of view, he might still be suspecting that Jon is still pretty much self-destructive (although in indirect ways), as Daisy had pointed out in season 4, and that his way of engaging in dangerous missions is still tainted with guilt, with the idea that he has to compensate for something:

(MAG142) DAISY: Not like there’s… “normal” trauma, you know? But it’s pretty common. The most important thing becomes control, engaging on your own terms. Even when it’s stupid or dangerous. Anything to not feel helpless. MARTIN: Oh, god… DAISY: And of course, for Jon, there’s survivor’s guilt in there, too. He thinks he’s not human. Makes him very… self-destructive. MARTIN: Yeah, well. We’ve all had trauma. DAISY: And everyone’s changed.

(And gods. Maybe the problem this season for Jon is that Daisy wasn’t there anymore to at least point out these things. She hadn’t really managed to take Jon’s mind off of it (and he hadn’t opened up enough with her to confess that he had been attacking people) but she might have been able to lay it out, at least, if she had been there…)

- I’m really glad about the contrast between Jon and Martin when thinking about hypothetical scenarios!

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: … Sometimes… I imagine if none of this had happened. If we had just… met. Been together, w–without… all of this. MARTIN: [SOFTLY] Me too. … But we wouldn’t have, would we? Been together, I mean. ARCHIVIST: Huh? W–what do you mean? MARTIN: Well…! We had that, didn’t we? Almost a year of just working a normal job together and… you hated me. ARCHIVIST: I didn’t “hate” you. MARTIN: No–no, no, no, I listened to those tapes. At one point, you explicitly said you’d be fine with me being chopped up by that old jigsaw lady. ARCHIVIST: Oh, god, Angela! Ha! She’s still about, you know? Lording it over a nasty little Flesh domain. Anyway, I didn’t explicitly say it, I… implied it. MARTIN: Face it, Jon, it took almost two years of crisis and trauma to even make us compatible.

* Jon truly is the romantic in that relationship.

* I’m very glad for Martin pointing out that he remembers how Jon used to treat him, and that he doesn’t really believe that they could have gotten together without the circumstances they experienced. I don’t think we’re meant to take Martin’s words exactly at face value (the circumstances allowed them to open up to each other and get closer, they didn’t necessarily turn them into whole other human beings), but it makes sense that, from his perspective… it’s hard to romanticise the past:

(MAG014) ARCHIVIST: I sent Martin to look into this “Angela” character, not that I want him to get chopped up, of course, but someone had to. Apparently he spent three days looking into every woman named Angela in Bexley over the age of 50. He could not find anyone that matches the admittedly vague description given here, though he informs me that he had some very pleasant chats about jigsaws. Useless ass.

Jon was absolutely awful to him back then, and ranting about him on tapes was textbook workplace bullying since he knew the tapes were semi-public (as in MAG032, Tim reported to him that researchers and students had been pointing out mistakes in his recordings). Off-tape, just from Martin’s point of view, we know that it was so pervasive that he remembered about it when left alone, tormented by his worst memories and feelings:

(MAG170) MARTIN: … Oh, I, I met someone! Did I tell you? He’s… [SHUFFLING] I, I don’t know. I like him. He doesn’t like me, though. Not really. I don’t blame him. I don’t like me sometimes, and I am me! Plus, he’s… he’s my, my boss? Is that right? [CREAKING] Ei–either way. It’s probably for the best? Wouldn’t really be appropriate, eh…!

(MAG186) ALSO MARTIN: Or… does it just keep paralysing us, make us shrink back and wait, hoping things work out? Like with Jon when we thought the worms had got him. MARTIN: Hey, to be fair, he still kind of hated me back then. I’m really not sure it would have been the best time to take my shot. ALSO MARTIN: … Fair. He was projecting hard.

Season 1 is not a time Martin would be eager to go back to, because it’s when Jon was at his worst against him (and Martin lived in fear of his fake CV being discovered), while for Jon… it was before Prentiss attacking the Institute, before his scars and before losing Sasha. It makes sense that Martin would want to defend what they got, to defend this world over others, given that from his point of view, it might be the only configuration possible that made his relationship with Jon possible – which, once again: might not be necessarily the truth, but makes sense from Martin’s point of view.

* Though, Martin, sweetie, the “normal job” included you getting besieged by Prentiss for two weeks and having to eat canned peaches. It’s never really been a “normal” job.

- Jon lightening up at the mention of Angela and immediately infodumping about how she was doing was so bittersweet to me, since it emphasised (once again) how deep Jon is in the Fears’ society by now. Those are familiar names, familiar figures, doing terrible things, but it still feels like his own universe when he mentions them, when he explains what he knows about them. Once again, it makes me wonder what will be left of him once all those things are just… gone.

- Martin listened to so many tapes, uh?

(MAG142) MARTIN: I listened to your old statement. Wasn’t your partner down there? DAISY: Yeah. Didn’t find him.

(MAG188) MARTIN: Plus, I… I was a little bit jealous as, well. ARCHIVIST: Of what? MARTIN: Of Helen. Well, the, the real Helen. I found the tape when you were on the run and… I don’t know. Something about the way you two seemed to connect when she came in. ARCHIVIST: [HUFF] Before she was eaten by a door. MARTIN: Well, yeah. It certainly seemed to have a pretty deep impact on you.

(MAG199) MARTIN: No–no, no, no, I listened to those tapes. At one point, you explicitly said you’d be fine with me being chopped up by that old jigsaw lady.

He listened to the one involving Angela (MAG014), to Helen’s statement (MAG047), to the events that got Daisy section’d (MAG061) – that last one being even more interesting since it explicitly mentioned that Basira&Daisy were giving Jon the tapes, which means it was from the stash Jon was recording secretly. I’m back to fearing a bit about Martin as a back-up Archivist: he used to read statements and to take a few live ones, Annabelle made him read her statement in MAG197, he’s been listening to tapes… just like Jon.

- Martin has been good at finding loopholes in mutual promises:

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] That’s very sweet of you, Martin. Sort of. … Thank you. MARTIN: Wherever you go, I go. That’s it. ARCHIVIST: You promised to let me go, if I had to. MARTIN: And you promised not to go if there was any other choice. And there is. So that’s the deal. ARCHIVIST: … That’s the deal.

Martin said that he wouldn’t “doom the world” over Jon: he’s still respecting that in a way by prioritising Jon and this peculiar world (and as the others had pointed out earlier, they weren’t sure whether their actions would doom others or not).

I’m super afraid about that “Wherever you go, I go” which sounds like something that could suddenly come to a stop. Martin had pointed out multiple times that he was “following” Jon (MAG170: “I was following, al–always following, never leading; never leading.”), but recent episodes have operated a bit differently – Jon didn’t follow Martin to his domain, respecting Martin’s wish to confront it alone, and Jon followed him to Hill Top Road. At this point, Jon has been following Martin, too…

- I got a first impression of Martin’s words before understanding that it could actually be referring to multiple things:

(MAG199) MARTIN: I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? [SAD CHUCKLING] I try, but I can’t actually imagine… ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you. And it… It hurts to know you can.

At first, I thought Martin was saying that he felt like Jon would be ready to sacrifice Martin or his relationship with him for a greater good, while Martin definitely couldn’t (as he pointed out to Also Martin, his limit would probably be to sacrifice Jon), but… it could also be a reference to Jon’s self-hatred, the fact that Jon would sacrifice himself so easily. In that case, it’s a bit hypocritical of Martin indeed (since he had told Also Martin that he was ready to sacrifice himself too), but I still feel like there might be a difference between the two – Martin would do it to save the world or Jon (or to not live on the pain of his domain’s victims), while Jon… would likely do it out of self-hatred and because he feels like it’s his responsibility to make up for the apocalypse.

- The contrast between Georgie’s scene and this, when Jon finally broke ;_;

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: I hate all the options, I just… It’s all my fault, you know? GEORGIE: What, because you weren’t able to outsmart the literal embodiment of manipulation and scheming? ARCHIVIST: Mmm. GEORGIE: We all make bad choices, Jon. It’s not your fault some eldritch horror decided yours were going– ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] GEORGIE: –to affect the whole world…! ARCHIVIST: They were still my choices. GEORGIE: … Yeah. And you live with them. Or you don’t. That’s all there is, really. ARCHIVIST: Hmm. […] You didn’t damn the world, Martin. MARTIN: [SIGH] We all– ARCHIVIST: [HARSH] No! “We all” nothing! I… I’m the one who caused all of this, that’s just the truth of it! I’m the one whose whole life has been nothing but one – long – setup – to this. MARTIN: Jon… ARCHIVIST: [WITH SADNESS] You didn’t speak the words! You didn’t feel them move through you, vomiting out of you like…! [SHAKY BREATHING] … I did this. It’s my fault. And I don’t want… I can’t let anyone else feel that, that… helpless, enormous guilt. Ever.

Both Georgie and Martin beginning by “We all”, but Jon’s reaction being so hugely different when he heard it for the second time.

* I wanted Jon to have a breakdown, I got the breakdown, I’m still sad about it ;_;

* Jon had been very susceptible to the rhetoric of being “chosen”: he had wondered about it in season 3 and 4, until Jonah had concluded that if Jon had been “chosen” in any way, it was by him when he decided that Jon’s Web mark made him prime for his plan and that it was mostly just due to Jon’s “own rotten luck”. It might have been easier to swallow for a while, technically, until Annabelle reactivated all those fears about being “chosen” but from even longer – since childhood, since he was eight, since he was just a kid who just survived a Fear encounter. I do feel like there was a lot of bullshit in what Annabelle told him, in the way she framed it; she had also told Martin that a web couldn’t be “precious about a single strand” and I feel like it was more likely that there were multiple potential Jons, or that The Web had already tried to get someone (Gertrude? Her assistants, with Emma pushing them into danger?) marked and prime for the final ritual. But Jon has been very vulnerable to the idea that there could be something wrong inherent to him, that things he had no power over had to be his fault somehow, such as not being able to rescue his bully, or Sasha getting killed by the Not!Them, or the apocalypse (while he had more trouble accepting his own blame for things he was directly responsible for).

* I was wondering recently if Jon might have finally accepted that he wasn’t responsible for the apocalypse, that it was Jonah’s fault (since he hadn’t mentioned it for a long while at this point) but… nop. He didn’t really change his mind about it since the start of the season, just got better at hiding it:

(MAG161) MARTIN: Jon, it’s not your fault… ARCHIVIST: Martin, can we not do this again. MARTIN: Sorry. ARCHIVIST: I’m just… I’m mourning a world I killed…! MARTIN: I know… ARCHIVIST: And we’re all trapped in its rotting corpse…!

* ;_; My heart broke when Jon recalled the experience of reading Jonah’s letter, and how traumatising the mere action was. We could hear him struggle and try to stop speaking in MAG160, and yet the letter was following its course…

* Just like with The Web’s clutch on him yet Jon still defending that he made those “bad choices”, it’s heartbreaking how Jon seems to be stuck on the paradox of being conscious that he couldn’t stop reading the letter, that something awful was done to him, yet still defends that it’s his fault and his responsibility. Jonah was barely mentioned this episode (and not as the man who chose to unleash that apocalypse), but he was still… very present in the multiple ways he fucked Jon over.

* It’s extremely sad that their current plan requires to trample on precisely the thing Jon didn’t and doesn’t want (to inflict what he experienced over someone else)… and yet, as sad it is, it also needs to be seen in the whole situation. Is guilt the worst thing that someone can experience? What about the people currently being tortured in their domains? (Or is there something coming up, such as Jon’s guilt being one aspect of his “domain” all along?)

* But still. Sobbing over the fact that Jon didn’t even blurt out out that he couldn’t allow anyone else to be hurt and fucked over by another Jonah like he was, but that the worst thing, for him, still was this “helpless, enormous guilt”. Not the pain, not the constant anguish, not the people he lost, but the guilt of having been used to end the world.

- There have been a few mentions revolving around Jon’s voice lately:

(MAG197) ARCHIVIST: As far as I can tell. I–it’s hard to s–… If I look too closely at them, my own voice, things get… recursive. Hard to follow. […] ANNABELLE: [CHUCKLING] I am sorry you find them irritating! They’re a side effect of the very specific way this web has been spun. I thought you liked his voice? MARTIN: I do when it’s his voice. I’ve never liked the statements. It always felt… Yeah. ANNABELLE: Well… you can trust me when I say you’ll be hearing his real voice very soon. […] We found the one we believed most likely to bring about their manifestation. We marked him young, guided his path as best we could. And then, we took his voice. ARCHIVIST: No… ANNABELLE: His, and those he walked with. We inscribed them on shining strands of word and meaning, and used them to weave a web which cast itself out through the gate and beyond our universe. So that when the Fears heard that voice, and came in their terrible glory, they might then travel out along it. [TAPE SQUEALS] Or be dragged.

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: [WITH SADNESS] You didn’t speak the words! You didn’t feel them move through you, vomiting out of you like…! [SHAKY BREATHING] … I did this.

And once again, there was the “For the silence” coin Albrecht discovered in the tomb of what was likely to be an old Archivist. Whatever happens in MAG200, I wonder if Jon won’t lose his voice in the process? Wouldn’t be the worst thing and, anyway, he will lose his voice symbolically with the end of the podcast (even in the case where he wouldn’t be straight up dying) but… I don’t know. The end of the episode had Jon exceptionally withdrawn and silent while the others discussed, so it already felt like he was falling “silent” in a way, and I wonder if he’ll lose his voice in a more literal way during the crisis, especially if the Fears are following “his voice”…

- Martin was so soft… and the Fabric Rustled again.

(MAG158) MARTIN: I see… [INHALE] I see you, Jon. [BREATHLESS CHUCKLE] [PRESENT, ECHO FADES] I see you…! ARCHIVIST: Oh, Martin… [FABRIC RUSTLES] MARTIN: I w–I was on my own…! I was all on my own…

(Season 5 trailer) MARTIN: You know I’m here for you. ARCHIVIST: [LONG SIGH] … Yes. Yes I do. [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] MARTIN: All right. All right. ARCHIVIST: Thank you.

(MAG170) ARCHIVIST: [CLOSER] Oh! Martin, hold on, I–I–I’m coming, I just… [STATIC REACHING A PEAK] [FOOTSTEPS] Oh, Martin! Thank god, I, I was… I–I thought you were behind me. [FABRIC RUSTLES] MARTIN: I thought you’d left me behind…! Gone on without me.

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: … I’m sorry. [SILENCE] MARTIN: [SIGH] It’s okay. I understand. [BAG JOSTLING] [FABRIC RUSTLES]

(MAG183) MARTIN: … I’m sure I love you. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: I love you too. [FABRIC RUSTLES] Let’s go.

(MAG187) ARCHIVIST: [GROGGY] Oh. Martin, good! [BAG JOSTLING] [FABRIC RUSTLES] MARTIN: Wh–, wh–wh–what happened? Th–th–there was the hotel and then…

(MAG191) MARTIN: No, I, I know, I know. I’m sorry, it’s okay. [SIGH] [FABRIC RUSTLES] ARCHIVIST: … Bad dream? […] Maybe I just… die. Maybe I survive, but I–I lose… something. My identity? My mind? My… memories? I don’t know. [FABRIC RUSTLES AS THEY EMBRACE] MARTIN: [LONG EXHALE]

(MAG197) ARCHIVIST: Martin! [FABRIC RUSTLES] MARTIN: … Oh god, I’m sorry, I– ARCHIVIST: It’s fine.

(MAG199) MARTIN: Hey. ARCHIVIST: [SNIFFS AS IF TEARING UP] MARTIN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, come here, come here. [FABRIC RUSTLES] ARCHIVIST: [SNIFFS] MARTIN: We’re going to fix it. ARCHIVIST: No…! [HUFF] … We’re just going to pass it on…! MARTIN: You don’t know that.

It might have for the last time ever…

- What was that sigh, Martin.

(MAG199) [SILENCE, AS THEY BOTH COMPOSE THEMSELVES] ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Come on. The others will be waiting. [SHUFFLING] [FOOTSTEPS DESCEND] MARTIN: [HEAVY SIGH] [CLICK.]

Was it “just” the sigh of knowing the current plan is making Jon miserable, or is it the sigh of someone who knows that something could comfort Jon, yet can’t share it with him yet…?

- Logistic of things in the next scene was that Jon&Martin came back to Georgie, who explained to them that Basira&Melanie had gone scouting, and the tape recorder clicked on when Basira&Melanie arrived:

(MAG199) [CLICK–] GEORGIE: I’m not sure, they said they were out– Oh, hey. [DOOR CREAKS, FOOTSTEPS ENTER] ARCHIVIST: There you are. I was getting worried. MELANIE: We were scouting. I was showing Basira where we think the gas mainline is. MARTIN: And? BASIRA: Not good. You know those Eye things? ARCHIVIST: The old Archivists? BASIRA: Yeah. I think they know something’s up. The place is crawling with them, it’s like they’re looking for something. MELANIE: Or patrolling. MARTIN: Hmm. GEORGIE: That’s why the stairs were unguarded? BASIRA: It looks that way.

* I’m still not sure what the point of the lighter is in relation to the tape recorders and The Web. Annabelle implied that the lighter had acted as a tracker or would act as a tracker (MAG197: “A little anchor of our power, so that we, and our tapes, may follow wherever you go.”) but we’ve had various examples showing that it wasn’t exclusively the case: the tape recorders had turned on and off in the Archives and in Elias’s office while Jon was away in season 3, they turned up around Martin and in Elias’s cell in season 4, one popped up to record Melanie&Georgie at the end of MAG191 while they were walking in London. What it might be able to do, however, is allow the tape recorders to reach places that should be insulated from other powers (such as within the Coffin, or when Jon was Nikola’s prisoner, or at Upton House)? I’m not sure. Anyway, Georgie took the lighter, has the lighter, and the next scene included Georgie, so I wonder if something will change in the POV of the action next episode, or if the team wasn’t suspecting that The Web still had another use for Jon.

* Why are the Archivists acting up? Is it because Beholding is getting impatient and wants Jon as its pupil? Is it because Beholding is sensing that something is threatening its position? Is it because Jon knows about the plan and the potentiality of Beholding losing its hold over this world, therefore allowing Beholding to know about it and making it react in self-defence? Are Jon’s own feelings about the plan influencing Beholding? Jon said that he didn’t feel like it could think but, if The Eye was indeed behind Jon’s difficulty to listen to Eric’s tape, that showed that it still has instincts and a capacity to try and protect itself.

- As mentioned above, I’m surprised that the last person standing to ignite the tunnels is supposed to be Melanie:

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: So what’s the plan? MELANIE: I reckon me and Georgie go for the mainline, and hopefully they won’t notice us. GEORGIE: I’ll need a torch. They might notice that. BASIRA: I’ll give a diversion. I’ll try and draw them off. MELANIE: And if they see Georgie’s torch, we just go to Plan B. She becomes another distraction, and I go solo. GEORGIE: I don’t like the thought of you going on your own. MELANIE: And I don’t like the thought of you being chased by manky old archivists, but there it is. MARTIN: Okay. [EXHALE] So what are you going to do when you find it? GEORGIE: We’ve got some old tools. I guess we just… mess with it until we smell gas, and then… back off, set something burning and leg it. It can’t be that hard to break a valve.

… since Georgie had been the one to take the lighter, and didn’t present it as an element she would require in their plan. It’s possible that she’s going to give it over to Melanie and just retrieved the lighter for that goal but mmm, I’m still having doubts about it.

* I love Melanie’s “manky old Archivists”, I’m going to miss her so much ;_;

* … screaming a bit because GEORGIE, if you smell gas, it’s TOO LATE to ignite something without getting caught in the middle of an explosion…………. It’s gonna go very wrong, isn’t it.

* Sob, Melanie&Georgie had been resolute about doing something in MAG191, and Georgie still wanted to be careful about the old Archivists at the beginning of MAG192… but now, they’re really ready to risk everything, uh…

- Melanie was way more careful (and less confrontational) with Jon now that they had to establish the plan, and I wonder if Georgie asked her to tone it down or if Melanie made a conscious effort since they needed to pool their resources and collaborate? I’m really curious about Jon’s wording here:

(MAG199) MELANIE: … Jon, you’re sure about this whole gas main thing? It just seems… I don’t know, really mundane. ARCHIVIST: It’s what Annabelle said. And she wasn’t lying – at least, she didn’t think she was. BASIRA: Well, it’s a bit late for second-guessing.

Because what Annabelle thinks and the reality of things could be very different things. I’m still having some doubts about Oliver and her explaining how their patrons work and presenting them as Fears-that-can-think – it’s fitting in a way but… we also had examples of older avatars (Simon, Arthur) pointing out that they couldn’t guess what their patrons wanted except for some cravings. Something I could see is about the relation between avatars and their Fears (between humans and fears): the idea that the Fears might be… whatever people project on them, and them modelling themselves in turn. Could The End kill people in this world if Oliver wasn’t convinced that it could do it? Could The Web feel so omnipresent and powerful if Annabelle and Jon weren’t projecting their own fears on it?

- Georgie gave me so many red flags this episode…

(MAG199) GEORGIE: Well, we’ll do what we can but… this is it. Whatever it takes, right? If there’s a price, we pay it. No hesitations.

And that one was especially bad by itself, but it also echoed Gertrude’s last instructions to her potential successor:

(MAG161) GERTRUDE: You are entering a new world, a place I’ve lived for most of my life. A place… [SIGH] A place that will often demand a high price from you. Pay it without hesitation, because one way or another, the world is now on your shoulders.

Basically paraphrasing what Gertrude said? Bad sign. Baaad sign.

- There might have been a small misunderstanding between Melanie and Jon there ;;

(MAG199) MELANIE: Sure he can! Just magic-laser-eye zap him or whatever, same as with all the others. MARTIN: [SIGH] MELANIE: Like he did to Helen. ARCHIVIST: Listen, Melanie, I– MELANIE: It’s fine. If we all get out of this, we can talk it through, and, if not, well, it doesn’t really matter, does it? ARCHIVIST: I suppose not.

Since Jon had been unaware that Martin had broken the news to her already, and that Melanie already knew that Helen was bad news… but had learned from Basira that Melanie used to be close to her:

(MAG190) MELANIE:  Oh! Oh, I nearly forgot! Careful of Helen, if you see her. MARTIN: Mm? MELANIE: Uh, she turned up a while back and tried to eat Celia. MARTIN: She was here? MELANIE: Yes… A few times. [INHALE] Looking back, I was so stupid! MARTIN: Because you kind of liked her? MELANIE: Yes. Yes… Honestly, I had started to think she was on our side. MARTIN: Yeah. MELANIE: [SIGH] MARTIN: Jon killed her. MELANIE: [SPLUTTERING] Uh, sorry, what?! MARTIN: Yeah, she tried to– I wasn’t there, but they got into a standoff and he… he destroyed her. MELANIE: He can do that? MARTIN: Mm! MELANIE: Well! I mean that’s… that’s interesting to know.

(MAG195) ARCHIVIST: … I also killed Helen? BASIRA: Oh! Right. ARCHIVIST: Yeah… [CONSIDERED ROWING] BASIRA: Didn’t expect that. ARCHIVIST: She was dangerous. And not like the others out there. It was only going to be a matter of time before– BASIRA: No, no, I get it. Honestly, it’s kind of a relief. How did Melanie take it? ARCHIVIST: Melanie? BASIRA: Yeah, she and… she and Helen were pretty tight back when, uh… Oh… ARCHIVIST: What? BASIRA: Back when you were in your coma. ARCHIVIST: I see…! Well, I haven’t told her yet, so… I suppose I have that to look forward to when we get back.

So: from Melanie’s point of view, she used to be close to Helen but learned independently that Helen wasn’t her friend and was actually dangerous for them. From Jon’s point of view, Melanie used to be close with Helen and might have just learned that he had killed her (and might be sad about it). But Melanie was dry about it and it came as an accusation, which immediately made Jon defensive about it. They can’t really manage to interact without making a conscious effort to not rub the other the wrong way, uh…?

Cries, still, because they’ll never talk it through, uh. ;;

- I am REALLY concerned about Martin being adamant that Jon couldn’t be the one to kill Jonah because of the potential consequences…

(MAG199) MELANIE: And it’s hardly going to be a picnic for you either. You’re going up that tower to kill Elias, and if we muck up the timing, you’ll be up there when it blows. MARTIN: … Jon can’t do it. ARCHIVIST: What? […] MARTIN: You’re not listening. I mean, if he kills Jonah, then knowing our luck he’s just gonna end up taking his place in the Panopticon, isn’t he? GEORGIE: [SIGH] Good point. MARTIN: He can come up with me, but when it actually comes to Jonah… BASIRA: You’ll have to be the one to do it. MARTIN: Yeah. ARCHIVIST: Martin… I don’t– BASIRA: Have you got this? We can trade if you don’t think you can do it. MARTIN: No. No, I can do it.

… because it’s not what Jon had said:

(MAG193) MARTIN: So not that then, but… wh–what about something, like… physical? ARCHIVIST: I… What? MARTIN: Look, I know it’s all about… dream logic and metaphor and all that… stuff, but, you know, what if we just… what if we just grabbed him and, you know, pulled him down? Or, or just threw something heavy at him? ARCHIVIST: Uh… […] You were right. MARTIN: About what? ARCHIVIST: His body is vulnerable. A–at least to me. MARTIN: … What’s the catch? ARCHIVIST: I could kill his body, sever the link, break The Eye’s power, and… Jonah Magnus would die. MARTIN: Okay, that sounds good but…? ARCHIVIST: But… that wouldn’t actually harm The Eye itself. And with him gone it would… it would choose a suitable replacement. MARTIN: Oh. ARCHIVIST: If we kill Jonah Magnus… I take his place. MARTIN: Oh, god… ARCHIVIST: And I think… that’s exactly what it wants…!

Jon said that killing Jonah would lead to Beholding taking a replacement, not necessarily the person who’d kill Jonah… and regarding “suitable replacement”, Martin was emphasised as Eye-aligned this season (and Lonely):

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: Well, you’re a watcher, Martin. You worked for the Institute, you read statements, The Eye is… fond of you. You’re not getting thrown into your own personal hell, which means… MARTIN: [QUIETLY] That one of them belongs to me. But that’s… Ho–how can I be a “Watcher”? I, I didn’t even know it existed! ARCHIVIST: But you’ve suspected for a while now, haven’t you? MARTIN: Maybe? But that’s not “watching”! ARCHIVIST: Do you want me to tell you about it? MARTIN: No. … Yes. N–no, no, I don’t know, I don’t know. [SIGH] [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: It’s a small domain. A swirling mix of The Eye and The Lonely.

And was supposed to take Jonah’s place at the end of season 4 precisely thanks to his connection to Beholding:

(MAG158) PETER: I want to use the powers of this place to learn about The Extinction: what it’s doing, where it’s manifesting. Then we can stop it. MARTIN: And you need me for this? PETER: Correct! Without a connection to The Eye, any attempt to use it would likely end… very messily indeed! But thankfully, it just so happens that you hold such a connection. MARTIN: So that’s it… Both “lonely” and “watching”. PETER: You must admit you’re the perfect candidate. […] You’ll have to dispose of the current occupant. MARTIN: Curren–… [QUICK FOOTSTEPS] [SHARP BREATHING] … Who is that? PETER: Jonah Magnus! His… body, at least. Sitting here; watching; binding it all together; growing ever older. If you want to take his place, well… MARTIN: … I’ll need to kill him. PETER: Yes. Don’t worry, though. I brought a knife. […] Martin. What are you doing? MARTIN: I’m… saying no. I refuse! Game over. [KNIFE CLATTERING ON THE GROUND]

Jon hadn’t mentioned whether Martin would be able to hurt Elias (just that he could), but we’ve seen that dream-logic could be a factor to hurt each other: Basira could kill Daisy, Daisy could hurt Jon through their connection. Given that Martin was once expected to kill Jonah (did Jonah fear that Martin would choose this?), and that Martin has felt guilty all season about the fact that he feels like he could have stopped things if he had just knifed Jonah:

(MAG174) MARTIN: All those lies you told me… You helped to do this, you turned the world into your… your playground! SIMON: Hum… Not to be a pedant, but if you recall, I was actually doing a favour for Peter. And if Peter had won, none of this would have happened.

(MAG186) MARTIN: [HEAVY SIGH] If we’re glad, why do I feel so… ALSO MARTIN: Guilty? Because you feel guilty about everything. MARTIN: That’s… That’s not– ALSO MARTIN: […] The end of the entire world? MARTIN: If I’d done what Peter had asked… If, if I’d not chickened out, and just killed Elias when I had the chance…! ALSO MARTIN: Really? Really, that’s how you’re choosing to remember it? “Chickening out”? MARTIN: I remember it was the wrong choice…! ALSO MARTIN: You choose to remember it that way, and so the guilt– MARTIN: [SIGH] I–I get it, all right? But I need it, I, I choose the guilt, because… ALSO MARTIN: [LEADING] “Because”? MARTIN: Because it motivates me to do better!

I could see Martin managing to hurt him thanks to this. But regarding what could come afterwards:

I’m concerned about the fact Jon tried to object during the discussion and that nobody listened to him… as if Jon was already anticipating something to go very badly because he knows something the others don’t. Overall: what if Martin can’t kill Jonah? What if Martin kills Jonah and Beholding takes Jon anyway? What if Martin kills Jonah and Beholding picks Martin as a replacement?

(Mental picture of Jon screaming “Take me, not him!”, since we’ve been in the season 1 nostalgia this episode… ;_;)

- Aouch for Melanie falling back into old habits…

(MAG199) MELANIE: Make sure it hurts. MARTIN: Oh, I will. MELANIE: … Good enough for me.

(MAG117) MELANIE: I have my own stuff to take care of, they think they’re giving me a chance to “face my demons”, by helping to take down Elias. They don’t get that the only way to deal with something like him is to watch his eyes go dead with your hands around his throat. [SHAKY INHALE] I’ll… play it their way, for now. But when it comes down to it… I want – to see him – dead. […] [INHALE] So… yes. That’s it. That’s all you’re getting, because it hurt like hell to live through, and I didn’t do it so you could stroke your chin and call it fascinating. … Good luck, Jon. I do hope you win. [INHALE] But I also hope it hurts…!

- So, resting time:

(MAG199) GEORGIE: Okay. Sounds like we’ve got… something like a plan. MARTIN: [SOUND OF ASSENT] BASIRA: Makes a nice change. [VARIOUS SOUNDS OF ASSENT] MELANIE: [BRIGHTLY] It does, doesn’t it? Eh! Uh… so. When do we actually do it? GEORGIE: First thing tomorrow. That’ll give us time to prep and rest.

Georgie had already explained how they evaluated “tomorrow” in the tunnels and without any clock:

(MAG190) GEORGIE: Look. We’re all tired, and you still seem a little… disoriented by the tunnels. Let’s get some rest. We can talk about next moves tomorrow. ARCHIVIST: And how do you know when tomorrow is? GEORGIE: We generally err on the side of caution and sleep in…! ARCHIVIST: Sounds good.

So they’ll probably do the same ;;

- Basira thanking Jon for helping her with Daisy (and for helping her personally) made my heart break a bit and really made it sink in that it was likely the last time some (most? all?) of them would talk to each other, or that they won’t be in any state to discuss things like this afterwards. It was also fitting that Jon got his private moments with Georgie, with Martin, with Basira… but not with Melanie. That bridge burned, uh.

- Overall, although with interesting points and heart-wrenching and bittersweet and tender and intimate moments, it was… quite a depressing episode in the whole scale of things?

* The episode gave the impression that it was validating everything about The Web: that Jon had indeed been “Chosen” as the bringer of the apocalypse and had been a right pick for it; that Annabelle had been right when she told Martin that she just needed to tell them the truth for them to do what she wanted; that The Web scheming for centuries to open the crack and prepare its escape, and bringing the apocalypse about just to escape and infest other dimensions… worked. That everyone, regardless of their motivations and feelings, has indeed come to the conclusion that arranged The Web and served its plans, that The Web… is very casually winning just as planned.

* The episode didn’t talk about what would come after, for the characters. Jon briefly explained to Martin what was likely to happen to him, Annabelle confirmed it, but… the episode gave the impression that characters weren’t truly expecting to come out of this alive in the first place.

* Jon’s silences in the last sequences were so sad? He barely managed to sneak in a few words. He couldn’t contribute to the plan. Martin presented him as optional while others are taking care of the action. Yes, it used to be all on Jon but the fact that he couldn’t even contribute and that others ignored him when he tried to object about Martin being the one to kill Jonah was just so heartbreaking, as if he was already silenced and once again not in control of things that would happen…?

- I want to err on the side of caution but, despite it, I can’t help but wonder if some of the Team Archive interactions weren’t… staged a bit for the tape recorders. It’s very suspicious that they apparently got updated on the Hill Top Road situation, but that nobody commented about the tape recorders turning on (although they now know that it means The Web is spying on them and/or that their tapes will be heard by other people in other worlds and associated with the Fears). Melanie and Georgie had taken notice of them when Jon&Martin had arrived in the tunnels for the first time, Melanie was good at hearing the tape recorder turning on… but nothing this time around. Is it possible that they’re planning something else, too, and that it required The Web and The Eye (the tapes and Jon) to not know about it, a bit like how the assistants had put on a show in front of Elias in season 3?

(MAG116) ELIAS: Now! If you’ll excuse me. [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] BASIRA: Do you think he bought it? MARTIN: We’ll talk about it later. ARCHIVIST: I doubt we’ll get time, we need to go. MARTIN: It’s fine. We’ve got this, okay. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … Okay.

Is it why Georgie took the lighter?

I don’t want to bank on it but the fact that nobody has commented about the tape recorders since Annabelle revealed what they were and their purpose has been any nagging at me, so, mmmm…

If MAG200 actually shows the action as it happens, I’m wondering about a few things:

* How are they planning to time up the explosion and the Jonah murder? Jon couldn’t know about the tunnels when he was outside of them, and according to what we’ve heard in MAG192, climbing the tower was a very long process. It’s possible that Jon actually has some awareness of the tunnels as long as he’s in the tower (since both are connected), or that they’ll go for the murder once they hear the explosion coming to them, but how would Georgie&Melanie coordinate to not do anything before Jon&Martin are the top? (When I’m wondering about it, I can think of a few options: Jon&Martin dropping something once they’re at the top, to convey they’ve arrived, or maybe relying on whether a tape recorder clicks on, as a signal that Nothing Interesting Is Happening Up There And It’s Your Turn To Do Something, etc.)

* Will we hear Rosie again? Jon&Martin might have to pass in front of her again to reach Elias. Will they evacuate her, will she stay with them?

* … Surprisingly and yet fittingly: we might hear Jonah/Elias in the last episode. (And funnily enough: it would be the 4th episode where he would talk this season, which means this wouldn’t even be the season with the least amount of Elias appearances! He was in 3 episodes in season 1 (MAG017, MAG039, MAG040) and in 4 episodes in season 2 (MAG048, MAG060, MAG067, MAG080). Season 3 was an outlier that really got us used to hearing him a lot.)

* I’m still squinting about the fact that Annabelle told them to “destroy the Archives” and that they translated it into “destroy the Panopticon” while both Jonah and Oliver designated Jon as the “Archive(s)”…

* If they succeed, and if it all goes accordingly, I am really wondering about the state of the world post-Fears – and it might not be something we’ll get to witness. But mostly, I’m curious/concerned about the complicated cases: if people do remember what happened to them and who were the rulers, wouldn’t it be likely that things turn into chaos as people get back at the people who hurt them? What about the cases Basira mentioned of rulers who hated being in that position? What about, for example, Callum? (Who is currently doing horrible things and… is also a traumatised kid.)

* I wonder if the episode will have an actual date as the case number, and if it would correspond to another world’s timeline or this one. “0181810–B”, as things pick up from the point Jon had read Jonah’s letter (MAG160’s was “0181810”)? “0212503” to play with the release date, since it’s the same release date for everyone for once (no early access for Patreon)? “0111507” to play with the date of Jacob’s statement, heard in the very first trailer? Something beginning with “015” as, in another world, someone (Jon or Sasha or someone else) becomes a new Head Archivist after Gertrude’s death?

* If The Web succeeds and leaves with the tapes, will they be like the Fear Books used to be perceived in this world? Will Jon’s voice be perceived as a bringer of disaster and tragedies? What will happen to Jon’s voice is an interesting question given that this episode ended with… Jon being withdrawn, barely being part of the conversation, trying to object and not being heard, as if his voice was already partially silenced by the others.

* Technically, since the tapes are supposed to leave with The Web, the series might cut off with the tapes leaving, but… other configurations are possible. We could finally hear something without the mediation of the tapes. We could get a new point of view from another world, inheriting the fears. We could be deprived of the action, since the plan was laid out, and have someone (Martin?) recalling what happened, much later, etc.

In previous seasons, the 40th episode was more about the aftermath of the action and posing elements that would be fundamental during the next one: MAG040 explained how Prentiss had died, what had happened to Jon&Tim, but also confirmed (to the audience) that something had replaced Sasha without the others noticing, and revealed that Gertrude’s obviously-murdered-body had been found in the tunnels, leading to Jon’s secret investigations in season 2; MAG080 showed Leitner explaining to Jon who was likely to be Gertrude’s murderer, what the Institute was about, that Jon was now a servant of Beholding and that a Fear ritual was incoming, leading to Jon’s quest to stop the Unknowing; MAG120 confirmed who had come out of the Unknowing alive, revealed what Jon’s dreams were about, had Peter replacing Elias as Head of the Institute and confirmed Peter’s interest in Martin; MAG160 had Jon&Martin running away, Jon receiving Jonah’s letter hidden amongst the statements (and a few tapes likely sent by The Web) and being forced to read his incantation, provoking the current apocalypse.

MAG200’s title has been made public on twitter, so – “Last Words” it is. It sure feels like the series is ending ;; It’s fitting for both the characters and the podcast itself, and I’m screaming that it had appeared in the first episode of this season:

(MAG161) ARCHIVIST: Hang on, have you been recording this? [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] TIM: Oh, yeah! I… just thought it might be nice, you know, something to look back on when we’re all old and sick of each other…! […] Now, all right, all right; fine! Look: I’m turning it off. Any last words for your future selves?

… in the specific context of leaving a message for the future.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

YO SEBAS’ ROUTE HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED FOR JP I CANT WAIT!!! Do you have any theories of what could happen in his route?!?

Haha, yes, I saw this morning! For those who haven’t yet seen the announcement, it has been said that Sebastian’s route will be coming to the JPN version of Ikevamp on August 25th! It’s very exciting news, and I can’t wait to get started translating after I finish Dazai’s.

Honestly I’m finding this so many degrees of hilarious because I was like “oh ya I’m curious” at first, but after seeing that character introduction video with the lil forehead kiss and the horny as all HELL biting, I’m SLAMMING the horny button holy shit??? (I have that card CG in the JPN ver of the game on my phone and. lord jesus. That scowl. WILL HE STEP ON ME ONEGAI AKIHIKO)

Putting the rest under a cut bc is long and has some JPN ver spoilers:

That being said, let’s address the second part of the ask, shall we? Theories! If I’m honest I’m not surprised Sebastian was next on the docket, but I do admit I’m thoroughly surprised by the CG of him biting MC in earnest--he visibly draws blood on her neck and shoulder. This raises so many questions that are likely to be reiterated endlessly until his rt comes out in full, the most pressing of which is: does Sebastian turn into a vampire? Or is he just really into sadistic foreplay?

If I’m honest I sincerely don’t know if he’s fully turned, only because I’m trying to sort out the information we do have. Why turn into a vampire if the goal is to be with MC, who is also human? If we follow this course of thought, it doesn’t seem to make much sense, does it?

But then our boi Sebas is different in terms of his internalized conflict when compared to the vampires. Granted I may turn out to be wrong about this, but I think the two focal points of his route will be as follows: insecurity and the pursuit of knowledge. Remember that the reason Sebastian (our dearest Akihiko Sato) agrees to Comte’s proposal at all is his insatiable curiosity. I mean just think about it. If Comte told all that stuff about the mansion to someone in modern times, they would probably just figure he was a crazy person and go on with their day. But Sebas, the absolute madlad, agreed; he wanted to see if it was true, and to learn everything he could about people who exhibit extraordinary talent. 

I foresee that this, however, may become a double-edged sword. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say. What I mean to say is that it could be very possible he might turn or undergo something similar to the changing process in order to experience what it’s like firsthand (whether to prove he can handle it or because he wants to understand the residents better/gather info). Furthermore, while Sebastian is curious--with no malicious intent at all--this doesn’t mean that envy is impossible in this kind of scenario, either. Admiration and envy are like two sides of a coin; depending on how one interprets information, they can skew to self-consciousness or inspiration. Given the content I’ve seen for Sebastian so far (and man has it been limited as all heck) I often get the implication that he truly does feel inadequate in some ways compared to the other men. As soon as MC chooses him a kind of overwhelming awareness of his normalcy begins; the implication that he is the wrong or lesser choice. Knowing this, I truly wouldn’t be surprised if problems arise as a result of this self-effacing.

(Note: I don’t think that about Sebastian at all, personally! I think he’s very mindful of others and really astute--to say nothing of his skill when it comes to the domestic sphere. I don’t think just anybody could do what he does, and he sells himself far too short. I always think of how the men call him the Ninja Butler and praise how capable he is, how they freely admit the place wouldn’t be the same without him. Sometimes I wish Sebas could see that, though I understand his concerns as well ;-; I’m always torn bc I’ll be like “I understand but alSO N O”)

Besides those latent insecurities, time to expand more on the pursuit of knowledge. In one way this drive might feed his self-derision; he might believe that the more he is able to do and understand and study, the more he can be of use/help other people. (Put simply his value as a person = the increasing extent of his knowledge in an almost linear relationship; without it he is nothing). On the other hand, I think he just genuinely enjoys collecting information the way he does! He likes assessing all the different ways people behave and why, and how this contributes to how they think and who they are. More insight offers him more ways to preoccupy his endlessly moving mind, but it also offers proximity with the subject in question. This to me is absolutely key--I think so much of his studying the great men is linked to his admiration, his wish to be like them and/or his wish to be close to them.

I’d like to address a quick reference to the drinking event that recently released in the ENG version of the app, if only to expand on/clarify where this is coming from. It essentially featured Sebastian and Napoleon sharing a drink together at a bar and in it, Sebastian speaks to the way that he encountered Napoleon in his life, and the reason why he grew so fond of him. He speaks to a childhood entirely detached from the people of his own time, roving through the shelves of libraries, reading endlessly to fill that void. It was a quote by Napoleon that caught his eye and inspired him, and ostensibly the words of people long past that gave him the strength to keep moving forward. This information, coupled with his strange excitement in Isaac’s rt introduction about how Isaac used to throw hands with people who mocked him seems to bring to the forefront a few things for me. 

Sebastian is highly, highly individualistic: he doesn’t seem to care much about what is conventional or normal, only in what brings him joy and makes others comfortable/happy. His life is highly internal, but I sense no anti-sociality in this removal from societal expectations. He just lives his own way and tries not to trouble anyone. (This is also highly notable in his acute impatience with Dazai’s shenanigans/ineptitudes now and again; while he doesn’t always scold or explode, he shows a sharp and surprising impatience with willful/harmful/irresponsible behavior.) He’s tactful and measured, but highly excitable under the right circumstances. He also doesn’t seem to think much of his own life re: self-derision. Think Leonardo’s rt ending: he insists that the serial killer focus on him and not on MC, he tells her he has no qualms with dying if it means she’ll make it out alive. MC has to be the one to tell him to think more of his own life. As such I wouldn’t put it past him to have enough nerdy reckless energy to test the waters of being a vampire (all the better if it helps him understand the great men).

Comte once said it in an event story a few months ago, but I think he really hit the nail on the head in some respects. He says something to the effect of “His curiosity is admirable, but please Sebastian--some things are to remain private.” Sebastian doesn’t intend to be intrusive or malicious, he just likes knowing things for the sake of knowing. It’s about the cones answering his nerdy desire to piece things together, not stepping on people’s toes. (It’s nice too because Comte seems to understand this and doesn’t see it as a shortcoming/nuisance, he just tries to nudge Sebas in a different direction if he starts prying too close to people’s personal business ;-; pls pardon the Comte love I just can’t help myself)

Enter Johann Georg Faust.

Now then we know very little about the reserved priest doctor, but there are tidbits of information that we can work with (or at the very least, stand out to me a lot). The one I would like to focus on for this explanation is the little blurb that appears when you open the Ikevamp app and it’s loading, providing something like trivia facts for each character. In the ENG app we got those early, but we don’t have the ones for our antagonists. Iirc, Faust’s reads something to the effect of “will often sneak substances into their (as in the castle residents Vlad and Charles’) food to test the effect of his concoctions on vampires.” There have been hints that Faust is to be our mad scientist of sorts; that he is experimenting under Vlad’s orders to find a reliable way to transform a human being into an immortal equivalent to that of a pureblood. But I have mentioned on more than one occasion that I really don’t think Faust is only doing all of this for Vlad. He has his own curiosity that is seeking to be alleviated, perhaps he is satisfied with having another puzzle dumped in his lap--a means to distract himself and exhaust his faculties. 

(One has to wonder if Vlad turned them under the same principle of desperation, and if that were the case, what Faust and Charles might desire more than anything else...Is Faust operating on a kind of necessity to atone? Has he simply given up hope that scientific advancement can happen without someone getting hurt, and so he does his best to balance the good and bad wrought by his explorations? Is he trying to bring someone back himself, is he trying to stall Vlad’s efforts in his own way? I really can’t be sure; there are just too many unanswered questions when it comes to Faust...)

This is where Sebastian and Faust begin to overlap. The pursuit of knowledge, an insatiable curiosity, a capacity to overreach the bounds of appropriate civility/decorum to get the information they want. It could potentially serve as a temptation for Sebas; become a vampire by Vlad’s hand and you can watch history over the span of generations. Assist in the development of an immortal, and you won’t even need someone like Comte to walk you through the different eras of time--you could explore yourself. While Sebas seems to be motivated more by service to other people, there can be no doubt that this could cause a great deal of friction. He will have to work to remind himself why he’s doing what he does and what it means to him, and whether or not becoming a vampire is truly what he wants.

But, there is also the issue of Vlad’s telepathic manipulations. Is it possible that an encounter with Faust (and by extension, proximity to Vlad/meeting Vlad head-on) could result in Sebastian being turned/experimented on without his knowledge? I.e. Vlad using his compulsion and sending him home with a word or memory of what happened. Though that’s certainly not the only possible explanation available. The other thing I was thinking about was a mechanic that was introduced in event stories prior to Sebas’ MS announcement. In the event story, MC and her suitor of choice encounter a street merchant that boasts a serum that can turn people into vampires. They, of course, don’t believe him--but the vial is procured and MC either purposefully or accidentally is exposed to it (i.e she knocks it over and it shatters in Leo’s ES). For a brief time, she exhibits vampiric qualities; she feels the thirst for blood as acutely as any of the other vampires in the mansion. I.e. In Napoleon’s ES, Sebas notices something wrong with MC when they’re just pouring vials of Rouge--the usual prepwork--and she runs out of the room looking dazed. Her odd/new instincts are only alleviated when she bites and drinks Napoleon’s blood, but after that single episode she shows no further signs of vampiric qualities. It’s a temporary but acute transformation. While I have no specifics as to how this is possible, I have to wonder if something similar might be done to Sebastian; whether as a means to test him (does he really want this? find out after the commercial break) or a kind of trick/trap laid by the antagonists. I remain unsure, but these are the two most likely explanations that come to mind if he hasn’t been fully turned.

As to whether or not his vampirism will be permanent, I’ve genuinely been oscillating on that one. I think it’s certainly possible given his intrigue (I never see much fear in him) with vampirism and his probable enjoyment with the prospect of an endless life learning about things (I can literally hear Leonardo screaming internally and I’m ngl it’s sad and funny). But there’s also something about the bite CG that speaks to strain/alarm, to surprise--that he wasn’t at all aware of the changes within himself--and I have to wonder if it might put him off of the prospect (like that he lost control/hurt MC)...Essentially I think it will just really boil down to how the symptoms come about (temporary or permanent), and how much his affections for MC might deter that curiosity/possible wish (if temporary, he might not touch the prospect again--if permanent, THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING SEXY BECAUSE I’d wager the rest of the route might be MC trying to help him adjust/recover IN A SEXY WAY).

(Note post-translation: I fucking HATE IT HERE. The bite CG text says smth to the effect of “The bloodlust is unbearable--stay away from me; I don’t think I’ll be able to keep from attacking you.”) In light of this information, I am this 👌 close to launching myself straight into the sun. OFC his route is gonna be sweet as all shit and then it’s just gonna go downhill from there with angst. WHYYYYYYYYYY AKIHIKO (at least his voice is mega sexy and heals my wounds OTL) It also says something about “a fate that is greatly moved” so that does suggest a more permanent change than the temporary alternatives I mentioned (though we all know how Cybird loves to jerk us around so I’m leaving that up for debate)...this shit better be hurt/comfort or i s2g im throwing hands

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE ANTICIPATION IS KILLING ME!!!!!!!

Here’s hoping he’ll make for a delightful surprise! I’m looking forward to it c: 

[moon-yean]

could u elaborate what was so bad about the barbarians? i saw the show and thought it was ok but i don't have enough knowledge to know what are the ideological implications of it? sorry, just really curious and wanna learn more

*takes a deep breath* oh boy, where to even begin? Thanks for your question as I might finally get this off my chest! Okay, fair’s fair, anyone who likes the show should look away now because I’m not going to mince words. And I want to reiterate that there were things about the show that I liked, mostly on a superficial aesthetical level. Generally you could tell from the get-go though that the writers are hacks who know nothing about history or good storytelling for that matter. I could’ve dealt with a show that was historically inaccurate if only the character drama had been written well. I might also have enjoyed the show more if the character drama had been mediocre but if there had been a sense of historical authenticity (not accuracy, mind; but still something tangibly more substantial than the patina they tried to throw onto their frankly embarrassingly lowbrow attempt by having parts of the dialogue translated into Latin by an expert and by hiring a good crew for the costume and props design - of the Romans at least... putting lipstick on a pig and all that, although pigs are great and the writing here is not).

Since you asked about the ideological implications specifically, I’ll start with that and work my way towards other criticisms (this is going to be LONG):

19th century nationalism: The story of Arminius and his merry band of brothers who defy the big bad Roman empire is a narrative that became especially popular in Germany in the 18th and 19th century, both with liberal patriotic movements that were advocating for the unification of the “German cultural nation” in a modern nation state (spurred by the Wars of Liberation against Napoléon Bonaparte and French occupation) and later with the völkisch movements where that nationalism segued into the pseudo-scientific racial ‘theories’ of a ‘superior German race’ which in turn was part of the ideological foundation of the genocides and atrocities committed by Germany in the 20th century (not only in WWII, see also the colonial genocide of the Herero in 1904). We cannot disentangle this predominantly racist reception history that re-invented Arminius (”Hermann der Cherusker” - “Hermann the Cheruscan” - or, indeed “Hermann the German” ha!) as the founding myth of a German people from the way this story has been depicted in media, entertainment and culture and, as evidenced by Barbarians, continues to be to this day.

Barbarians pays lip service to the fact that actually there was no German people at the time by having the tribes meet at the Ting in the first episode and have someone outright state it. These kinds of tidbits literally voiced by characters give off a strong whiff of the authors googling something, reading something on Wikipedia, and then putting it in there. I’m sorry (actually not sorry) to come down harsh on this but given what we’re talking about here, that’s just not good enough. It’s an embarrassing level of “writing”. The authors clearly have NO idea what they’re talking about or what they’re dealing with because despite their lip services, they actively reproduce the harmful narratives that were spun around this actual historical event and these actual historical figures in the 19th century. No effort was made to depict anything complex or realistic here. Case in point: Even though there’s a pretense that the tribes aren’t part of the same people, they don’t look much different from each other, they all speak the same kind of modern high German that sounds like they’re at a costume party in the year of our lord 2020 (and in the case of Folkwin, drugged out of their mind; he sounds like a guy who’d throw beer cans at passersby). They come across as basically just being separated by the few acres between their villages. And then when the big bad evil Roman empire wants to squash their resistance (Asterix did it better change my mind challenge), freedom fighter Arminius rallies them together with a heroic speech and they charge at the Romans RAAHWWHR! ... no, just no.

There would have been SO MANY ways to reframe and retell this story in a fresh, new, and exciting way that would have made for amazing character drama. The premise is so good. If we were to look at the basics of what is known, there are so many personal AND political complexities in there that just beg to be coloured in with a little imagination. I just... I don’t even know where to begin to fix the choices that the show did go with since most of them don’t make any sense, don’t contribute anything to the narrative and are just. there. Have y’all noticed that there is ZERO dramatic tension in any of the scenes? Like, what? How?? Culture clash, divided loyalties, identity issues, the way that a militaristic upbringing might warp the mind, feelings of home and belonging and displacement, the return of the lost son, the betrayal of a high-ranking officer, just, there are so many themes that the show could have focused on but it botches all of them, nothing of it feels real, earned, or logical. Characters behave in idiotic ways for the sake of the plot (I wanted to like Thusnelda, I really did, I’m always here for female characters but she was so painfully obviously written by 3 dudes who thought that feminism = praying to the good sisters of the forest and slashing your face aöldksfaökdjf plus the actress could not sell any of it, she sounded ridic).

I’m exhausted just thinking about the many ways in which the writing on the show sucked. Impaired character used as a symbol~ for other characters instead of being a character on his own? Check. Weird mystical shit? Check. Earthbound tribal people who are one with nature? Check. Death on the cross to get that Christian imagery in there? Check. Lack of female characters except feisty!badass!Thusnelda, scheming!conniving!pulling-the-strings!wife, weird!mystical!seer? Check. Varus doing a Herod by demanding first-borns to up the Christian persecuted ante? Check. (All he was missing was the mustache to twirl. Was he even a character? He looked vaguely concerned and sceptical. That was his character.)

Look, the actor Arminius was great but even he couldn’t make sense of any of it. The character work was so shoddy, it was shocking. One minute he’s still all-in with the Romans, ordering lashes for “German” mercenaries without being very conflicted about it, reminiscing with fellow Roman soldiers about the good old times in some fireside bonding, asking his foster father to go home to Rome, and then when bad!dad is like “lol no” (surely they would have had that convo before??? surely Arminius would have known how far his career could go???), Arminius turns around and goes “let’s kill 3 Roman legions!! I’M MAD!!” ... lmao dude, just...

Another favourite of mine: The romance between Thusnelda and Folkwin is supposed to be illicit and against her social status. Does anyone even notice? Does anybody even care? Why did the writers come up with Folkwin in the first place? (His name Folkwin Wolfspeer is a hoot and an embarassment in itself. I wonder whether they used some kind of Germanic name generator. They certainly did use a generic speech generator for the battle speech Arminius gives in the last episode lol)

Back to the topic of a lack of tension. Of course there can’t be any tension if the characters suck. But it’s also because of the design of the scenes and plot points. The cliffhangers are so telegraphed and artificially constructed, it’s almost hilarious. My “favourite” has got to be the one of the first episode: The “hi dad” one. Not only does Arminius go to the village with other Romans in tow who then disappear because nothing in this show makes sense but this kind of revelation also goes against everything we know about good storytelling. There’s a famous quote by Hitchcock and I’ll quote it in full because I think it absolutely applies here (and it is valid for character tension as much as it is for suspense):

There is a distinct difference between "suspense" and "surprise," and yet many pictures continually confuse the two. I'll explain what I mean.

We are now having a very innocent little chat. Let's suppose that there is a bomb underneath this table between us. Nothing happens, and then all of a sudden, "Boom!" There is an explosion. The public is surprised, but prior to this surprise, it has seen an absolutely ordinary scene, of no special consequence. Now, let us take a suspense situation. The bomb is underneath the table and the public knows it, probably because they have seen the anarchist place it there. The public is aware the bomb is going to explode at one o'clock and there is a clock in the decor. The public can see that it is a quarter to one. In these conditions, the same innocuous conversation becomes fascinating because the public is participating in the scene. The audience is longing to warn the characters on the screen: "You shouldn't be talking about such trivial matters. There is a bomb beneath you and it is about to explode!"

In the first case we have given the public fifteen seconds of surprise at the moment of the explosion. In the second we have provided them with fifteen minutes of suspense. The conclusion is that whenever possible the public must be informed. Except when the surprise is a twist, that is, when the unexpected ending is, in itself, the highlight of the story.

I hope you can see what I mean here. Barbarians continuously springs surprises on its audience but it has absolutely no tension/suspense in any of its scenes. The only time where the show even comes close to having any kind of genuinely dramatic moment is the conversation between Arminius and Varus where Arminius tries to hide his hurt and disappointment, and all the emotion in that scene is completely due to the actor since the dialogue is fairly idiotic for what is supposed to be the turning moment. Let’s go back to the basics and imagine what the show could have done differently, even allowing for the way in which the writers wanted to tell it (which, as I mentioned, is not appropriately sensitized to the misappropriation of the material in the past - but even if we go with THAT kind of freedom fighter / lost child narrative, it ought to be done well). And here now follows my actual essay of grievances:

The premise of the story, in as much as we know from history, is amazing: An officer of the Roman army, delivered to the Romans by his tribe as a child, returns to the "country" of his birth as part of the invading Roman army which oppresses the natives of the lands. He switches sides, unites different tribes and leads them to a decisive victory against the Roman army in a battle in a forest that lasted for several days and was cleverly planned by the "Germans" who end up outsmarting the Romans who are victims of ambush and the terrain, being split up and stumbling through the forest exhausted and without finding a way back to the other troops (love that the show as we have it managed to squeeze in the cliché "two armies standing on opposing sides decide to just start running towards each other, epic clash, chaos" (which is militarily so fucking stupid and nobody ever did that)).

Anyway, that premise is amazing. You could do so much with it. And if you wanted to make a miniseries about it, the biggest question would surely be: Why did Arminius switch sides? That’s the key plot point. And themes of otherness, oppression, exploitation, identity, and so on, would be a good fit. The first problem with the miniseries is that it has nothing to say about any of that. Arminius doesn’t even feel like the main character (aside from his actor being a cut above the rest). We don’t get to see much of his POV. We don’t get many meaningful conversations between him and Varus (actually just one after which he has a total character transplant). Instead, we get to spend lots of time with characters that don’t add anything in particular to the central plot nor to any of the central themes. Literally, why? 6 episodes is already pretty fucking short to make Arminius’ turn believable, so you’d better spend most of them on him. This is not material for an ensemble show (nevermind that the other characters suck and are not well-acted and written to behave stupidly... that’s just ON TOP of the fundamental issue of this show lacking a POV).

Like, you can turn this into a big Hollywood action movie about the battle or you make it a character drama where the battle is also told from a character perspective (i.e. focusing on the mounting fear and desperation of the soldiers as the battle drags on for days etc but more importantly focusing on why the battle takes place and why it’s important to both the Romans and the “Germans”). As it is, in the show, we don’t get any idea why the Romans are even there in the first place and pestering the people by demanding some tributes. And we don’t get any idea why the Germanic tribes are so opposed to this or why others of them might not be. We don’t get any of the broader political implications, we just get some eagle-stealing pranks (defiance!! cool, just agitate them in a completely stupid and arbitrary way, why don’t you) and a few people executed because the “Germans” were being stupid. That’s not the scale that’s needed here. And I don’t mean that we needed to see mass executions. In fact, I would have preferred if there had been no such hackneyed and emotionally manipulative device.

Arminius is basically absent for all the early encounters of the Romans with the “Germans”. So while we suspect that the mistreatment of the “Germans” at the hands of the Romans would be a strong motivational factor for him, we don’t actually see him witness any of few hints in that direction that we get, so it doesn’t actually matter for his character arc. I have so many issues with how his arc is written. In the first episodes, we don’t get any sense that he’s not a happy Roman. When a “Barbarian” mercenary ridicules Rome, he has him whipped and we don’t get much of a sense that he’s very conflicted about it. Even just moments before he ends up destroying his effigies of Roman gods, we see him trying to get Varus to send him back to Rome. Earlier in the same episode, he prays to those Roman gods. I’m sorry but wtf? How the turntables... If you want to make it believable that he would turn on Rome, why not start with him already being frustrated with the way that things in Rome work? With the way the army is run? And why not give him a careerist streak and make him frustrated that he can’t advance much further because of his lowly birth and background? And instead of Varus being an asshole to him about it (he’s supposed to be his foster father, surely Arminius would already know how Varus thinks about his people and surely he’d already know how far he can climb up the ranks), have Varus be sympathetic but basically like “sorry, there’s nothing I can do.”

Arminius betraying Rome shouldn’t be about Varus saying something mean~, if anything a personal connection of his with Varus should just make the betrayal harder and be something that he does despite the fact that there are Romans he cares about. If you start out the show with him already having significant doubts about his place in the Roman army and identity issues, you just need to add something to it that will finally breaks the camel’s back. Have him become increasingly agitated by the way the "Germans” are treated by the Romans. Start the show with him making to leave Rome, someone asking him whether he’s excited to return to his place of birth and him joking about it but obviously being conflicted and then overwhelmed when he actually gets there because it totally destroys his sense of self which he has built for himself (and for which we would have needed to see the contrast, even if just for one scene, of how he is treated in Rome – perhaps snobbed by others, not treated equally in some sort of social setting, could be something subtle – to show us and him that as much as he wishes, he is not and will never be accepted as a Roman).

And then when he gets to the provinces, we need to see that from his perspective. What’s his reaction to arriving there? To seeing the familiar landscapes? (Or maybe he was taken as a younger child and doesn’t actually have that many memories of it but feels a sense of belonging anyway.) There are so many scenes in this show that seem to hint at these things but they are completely random and unfocused and interspersed with the stupid village people shenanigans. Varus talks about burning down villages in retribution. Well, why don’t we see any of that? (Nevermind that it’s comic book villain level of evil, but I’m working with a fix here and not a total rewrite as would be better.) Surely it can’t be too expensive to burn down a few huts in the night. And having Arminius ride along / witness it but not say anything even though we can see these things having an effect on him. As mentioned: The worst offense is the scene when he rides to the village (with other Romans in tow!) and announces “hi dad!” just to have that cliffhanger. Wtf?

Characters doling out information that the viewer doesn’t have is the absolute worst way of telling a story and maintaining tension. It should be the other way around. How about instead you have him be part of a Roman delegation that rides into the village and demands [random, whatever, the fucking eagle if you must keep that shit] and when the Reik (whom the audience already knows to be Arminius’ father) doesn’t want to give it (because he’s not actually a weak fucking clown as almost everyone in the actual show is aside from feisty Thusnelda who’s a fierce~ fucking clown rmfe), the Romans begin beating the dad or whipping him or whatever, completely humiliating him and his people, and we see Arminius on his horse watching the show with growing unrest until the realization really hits him that this is his father (cue flashback to a very young Arminius being dragged away) and the tension keeps ratcheting until he shouts in German “that’s enough” before correcting himself to give the same command in Latin (maybe he still thinks in German, would be an interesting idea) and the Romans look at him with suspicion, like wtf was that, and the "Germans” are like, why tf does this Roman officer speak German, and it’s super awkward and shit and maybe Varus is also there and he looks at Arminius like, oh shit I need to protect my boy he’s actually all up in his feels about these wildlings let’s go back to the camp and have a talk, and so the Romans end up leaving and the “Germans” are like “wait, was that... could it have been.. remember lil Ari who you gave up... but it couldn’t be...” and meanwhile the beaten dad doesn’t want to hear any of that because he actually has never dared hope he would see his son again and also he kind of doesn’t want to see him again because he would be too ashamed to meet his eyes.

And then later we see Arminius pacing up and down in his tent because this won’t let him go, even after he had a talk with Varus, and after some agonizing he steals away in the night to go confront his father (if you want to keep that German mercenary noticing shit, have him notice that). And then we see the father in his hut and everything is quiet and we are waiting for Arminius to show up because we know he’s on his way. But we don’t know whether he wants to talk to his father or just kill him in revenge for the trauma he’s caused him. You’d show the dad and if it were a good actor, you could see so much in his unrest, maybe despite not wanting to think that that guy could be his son, he kind of knows in his heart that it must be and he’s unsettled and whatnot and then we hear someone outside the door and the door opens and there stands Arminius in a cloak and there’s none of that ridiculous music that wants to scream “epic” but falls way short. Have it be quiet. Have Arminius enter and pull back the hood and they just look at each other. And the dad looks like he wants to hug him but he doesn’t move. And Arminius looks like he wants to murder him but he actually moves to sit down, all the while they keep an eye on each other because who knows, they might actually end up murdering each other. That’s the kind of confrontation you need with a reunion like this jfc. And then they talk and it’s an important scene and I’m not going to write it all out but I hope y’all know what I mean.

I feel like you’d have to rewrite this whole show to actually give the character drama the weight that it needs and deserves because what’s happening in the show is dramatic af but you wouldn’t know because it’s so unbelievably stupidly written. I CANNOT believe that when Arminius is back in the village, he’s standing around with Thusnelda and Folkwin in a field as if they’re catching up at a high school reunion. “So, how’s it been?” “My name is now Arminius lol” “You’re kidding lol” ... uhm hello ??? Is this show a meme or...???

Actually as a last thought, I would have kept Arminius’ mother alive and killed his dad. His dad is irredeemable. He gave him away. But if we assume that he never had a substitute mother, then meeting his mother again (who was against giving him away) would make for much more interesting scenes and would also have a much stronger impact on Arminius. I’ll stop now but I just wanted to note how much I hate the writing on this show and everything it chooses to be. Thanks.

[dolansmith]

Thoughts on the “Trisha Drama”

I’m going to preface this with my previous thoughts of both sides. I didn’t know who Trisha was until after I found out about the vlog squad about a year ago. I didn’t mind her, i thought she brought out an interesting perspective to the group. Then I thought she was literally off her rocker. 

I loved the vlog squad bc I found them in a really difficult time in my life and they kept me from getting too deep into a depression. While I saw some of their mistakes, I saw the best in them all and hoped for change or at least some kind of accountability. 

This is gonna be really long and idk if anyone is even gonna read this/care lol but Im just so frustrated with a lot of the people that are into the vs. Like after really looking into everything that happened, I felt kind of ashamed to be backing the vs bc they’re doing some fucked up stuff tbh. 

So lets do a basic rundown of mistakes made. 

Mistakes in their public relationship:    -Trisha: made sexual jokes about jason’s friends, started arguments about her insecurities instead of starting a conversation.     -Jason: made sexual jokes about girl’s a decade younger than trisha (and 2 and a half decades younger than him), would complain about having to go do things trisha liked doing and would pout the whole time  (i.e. disneyland and a couple of the hamilton viewings), would egg on trishas insecurities, literally dumped her on a daily basis and call her crazy when she voiced said insecurities and then would basically get back together within an hour and practically give everyone whiplash, also talked about her weight and eating habits CONSTANTLY (fucking dick)    -David: inputted himself in their relationship, recorded their fights and encouraged their toxic behavior to both his friends and his audience

Mistakes in the “official” breakup:    -Trisha: talking about jason’s ex and kids, comparing david to ted bundy (a lil wild but tbh not that big of a deal bc no one actually believed thats what she meant but anyway), the brandon thing (we’ll come back to this)    -Jason: continuing to make jokes about fucking a 19/20 year old despite his gf saying she didn’t like it, not putting an end to David “pressuring him” to making said jokes, the brandon thing    -David: ignoring his “friend” when she said not to put something in his vlog, putting his image and career first

Mistakes after:    -Trisha: constantly going on rants about david and Jason.    -Jason: staying in contact with trisha secretly. (ill get back to this too)    -David: putting his image above all else. 

Now we’re going to get into some uncomfortable hot takes. I’m gonna get a whole lotta hate from stans but tbh idc anymore

The Brandon Thing (I’ve done some digging since her video exploding at Jeff): 

   -Brandon began a relationship with a high schooler. She was underage the first time they had sex. There’s receipts and timelines set up. I’d recommend Petty Paige’s Youtube video on it for specifics.     -Lot’s of vs fans say she only brought it up when her and Jason ended so that meant she didn’t really care, but I’d like to point out that she has stated (on more than one occasion) that she voiced her thoughts on this multiple times to the group in Private and no one cared. Y’all are always going on about how she should say whatever she has to say in private but when she does and is ignored, what then? Just a thought.     -Let’s also bring the rest of the vs up in this. How come none of them ever said anything? They’re the ones still out here tolerating him. Pretty hypocritical. I’m not gonna aim anything at the girls bc none of them have Brandon in their videos but the guys? Jeff, Jason, David, Todd and I think Scott too, have all had Brandon in at least one video. They’re out here talking shit about Trisha amongst each other but are friends with a predator? Lmao Okay, cool. 

Jason Keeping in Contact for months: 

   -This was dumb.     -As someone who has suffered from mental health issues and has been in a mental hospital and suffered from attachment AND abandonment issues, Trisha would’ve been better off had Jason ended things and kept them that way. Instead, he ended their public relationship and friendship. He kept her a secret from even his “friends” and then dragged on their “friendship” for months. For what? He should’ve just given her her things and closure and kept it pushing.     -On that, why did he keep her belongings for so long and refuse to give it back until she said something public about it? He ignored her calls and texts about her very expensive things for weeks. Then she made a video calling him out on it, and she got her stuff back.    -I’m seeing a pattern here, aren’t you?

The Jeff Thing (did some digging on him too...by digging i mean google):

   -This one makes my blood boil for several reasons. ESPECIALLY AFTER TODAYS VIDEO. It rlly put everything into perspective omg.     -The starbucks story that Trisha told was the same everywhere: ‘I saw Jeff at Starbucks and said hey. He ignored me and was such a pussy he left his order at the counter after having paid.’ His masculinity is SO FRAGILE that he twisted it into ‘I’m not gonna be fake with someone who fucked over my friend. Can’t fuck them up either tho lol’ and ‘i’m not gonna make shit easy on you, i’m gonna make them feel weird’. What a baby lmfao    -His assault joke rubbed me the wrong way. I know Jeff’s schtick is the whole “I was in jail for a few months and I was a drug dealer I’m big and scary” blah blah blah. Listen, I’ve met men that have been in jail longer (he was in for only 4 months he once said I think) and had worse upbringings than he did and HAD to do some of the shit Jeff was doing (which lemme remind yall, was on his own accord). The men that I know that have lived similar and worse lifestyles than Jeff, would never and I REPEAT NEVER, make a joke about assaulting a Woman over “fucking my friend over”, when the situation was what it was. Which was: an exposé, basically. That’s some petty shit, it’s for the birds. (Also, Todd and Jay’s jokes about the assault joke? Ain’t it. They were just as bad as Jeff’s original joke.)    -Do y’all know what Jeff’s been to jail for? He tried to assault someone that worked at a 7-Eleven after he and his dumbass friends were fucking around in the store and got yelled at and ended up assaulting a woman walking by.     -He also talked about her mental health issues. Maybe he wasn’t talking about her specifically, but it was REAL specific. He said that it was crazy that a “psychopath” that’s been in a mental hospital still had a platform on youtube. That they shouldn’t have one. Trisha made a really good point of, “some could say the same about your time in jail.” Because they could. And mental health can be managed. So can your outrageous anger issues, Jeff. This was really ignorant on his part.     -I also want to remind everyone about the time he said he didn’t understand how men could be sexually harassed. That all you had to do was say no.    -He says he likes to “make things awkward” and make everything a joke when really he’s just being ignorant and doesn’t want to get real hate when he gets inevitably called out

Trisha’s “Dirt”:

   -Trisha doesn’t know anything that the rest of us don’t. We’re just all IGNORING it. Why? Bc David’s charming and Todd and Jeff are pretty? Ridiculous. This is the last vlog squad post i’m going to make because I’m done. So the following is going to be a rundown on the “dirt” on them that made me come to the decision that I wouldn’t be supporting them anymore. I’ll also put my own thoughts and comments underneath in case y’all are curious. Staying silent about these situations is the same as complacency.     -Brandon Calvillo: Covered this but to reiterate, he dated a high schooler and slept with her/dated her knowing her age. He then lied about it in a video to cover his tracks.           *I am well aware that she was months from being 18. This doesn’t make it okay. What does a 26 year old have in common with a 17 year old? And just because this is the first girl we know about, doesn’t mean she’s the first at all or even the last.     -Durte Dom: He was accused of assault at vidcon.            *This hasn’t been confirmed. But it also hasn’t even been discussed. This girl is getting hate from vs stans and the vs have stayed silent. I can understand not wanting to show attention to people who make accusations for clout, but assault is serious and should at the Very Least be acknowledged privately or legally bc it could be considered slander. Don’t let your fans (or your friend’s fans) do your dirty work.      -Jeff Wittek: He has major anger issues. Makes jokes about assaulting women after actually having assaulted one in the past (accidentally but doesnt take away from what he did) and has made jokes about sexual harassment against men not being viable             *tbh he has a “pretty white boy complex”. Meaning he knows that he can say and do what he wants and most people will let it slide bc he’s a pretty white boy. No education needed.     -Jason Nash: Is friend’s with a predator, is quite possibly setting an awful example to his kids, namely his daughter.          *Listen. I’m a feminist, a woman should be able to decide what to do with her body after she turns 18. But being groomed and hit on by grown ass men when you’re barely legal, ain’t it. If you want to and feel ready, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it BUT 9.9 times out of 10, that fucks a woman up in the future. One day, she is going to see her dad hitting on a 19/20 year old Tana and see that her dad’s  26 year old best friend dated a 17/18 year old and lied about specifics and might think that’s normal and how men should treat her. I won’t support that shit.

And as for all the other member’s of the vs, they either don’t care enough about what their friends or friends’ friends are doing, or they’re not bothering to even consider it’s happening and that isn’t cool either. 

Be better. 

As for Trisha, she’s had her own faults and fuckups, no doubt about it. I’m not a big fan of her content but i FELT for her. Her name has been dragged through the mud because of this more than anything else and it doesn’t sit right with me when her only real fuckup in THIS situation was bringing the ex and kids into it the way she did. Everything else either could have been avoided or she had a right to say to the public since they put everything about the relationship out in the open as much as she did. If Jason and David had reached out and admitted their own mistakes and asked her to stop talking about them online the way she was, she probably would’ve chilled out. What happened, what they and their fans (us) have done has been nothing short of traumatizing, no doubt. The way these 30 year old boys (Jeff, Todd, Scott and Jay) are reacting to her? They’re the real joke if we’re being honest.

Note: I’d also like to say that if you do still support them and have differing views than I do, I’ll respect you and your views no matter what. Everyones entitled to their opinion and thoughts. These are just mine. 

[cristiancapulet]

And so it begins | [Capulet Para]

Who: Cris, Leo and Mel Capulet

What: Cristian invites his coworkers to a private meeting in his office Friday afternoon to enlist them in a top secret privately launched investigation into Lord Oz’s case, theorizing he was not truly at fault and might have been framed. 

Where: Cristian’s office at the Capulet estate

When: Friday, October 25th. 

Cristian spent the week musing Lord Tybalt's request and how best to approach it-- as well as to what extent both Leo and Mel should know of the head's involvement. How to spin the story. When Friday afternoon approached he was almost relieved, curious what the other two would make of the idea and if they would be supportive or not.. Not that there was much choice, of course. Whether stated directly or not, it was expected of them. "Leo. Mel. Thank you for joining me-- please take a seat," he requested as his coworkers appeared at the entrance to his office.  The two chairs kept off to the side of his desk by a small coffee table had been moved in front of it to make it easier addressing them both. It was rare he had more than one visitor, let alone someone for an extended period of time. "Make sure to shut the door tight behind you... And lock it."

As the day and time of the meeting approached, Leo felt his curiosity rise as to what this meeting could be about. Arriving at Cristian’s office, he allowed Mel to enter before him with a small greeting before closing and locking the door behind them, checking quickly to make sure the door could not be opened before making his way to one of the empty chairs. There was a sense of relief that at least the two other people in this room were two he felt were trustworthy. He had already figured out that whatever was going to be discussed was incredibly private, and didn’t have to worry about the other people involved. With that, he unbuttoned his suit jacket as he sat down and his eyes landed on Cristian. “Now you’ve got us here,” Leo began, “I’m curious to know what it is you’ve brought us here for that requires us to lock the door.”

Mel hadn't been sure what to think about Cristian's cryptic request. It was relatively out of character for him and she couldn't stop the creeping fear that he was going to be breaking some bad news to her that he thought would screw her up for the rest of the day. When she arrived and saw Leo there too, the anxiety dissipated into a more suspicious confusion. What on earth would require both of them and for so long? The request to lock the door only increased the suspicious confusion at what was to come as Mel settled in a chair. She didn't bother to reiterate Leo's question, instead just looking at Cristian to see what he would say.

“I feel the need to preface this meeting with the disclaimer— everything said, including my words now— are to be repeated to no one. Everything spoke here is completely confidential. That means nobody— including in the family— not even Lord Tybalt. And especially no members of the watch,” Cristian warned, turning his gaze from Leo to Mel. “If this is going to be an issue, please speak up now. Otherwise I will presume you understand and consent to this level of secrecy. It is... necessary in order to discuss the matter.”

When Cristian began speaking Leo simply listened until he finished. Secrecy was something that had come along with all of his previous jobs since he was in the military. If he hadn't been able to keep his mouth shut about the things that he was going to do, did do, and the people he had worked for when necessary then he wouldn't have been able to have the success in his careers that he had. Once Cristian finished speaking Leo shrugged slightly and said, "That should be easy enough for me. I have no problem keeping quiet about things."

Mel's suspicious gaze only intensified as Cristian started to speak. Something so secret they couldn't tell anyone in the family? And she was being explicitly told to keep this from Nico? She trusted Cristian not to ask anything completely insane of her - but then the city had gone insane so she wasn't sure exactly who to trust. "Exactly how illegal are we talking with this thing I'm potentially not supposed to talk about? Is this covering up a murder level illegal or is this more family secrets you don't want spread around?"

Cristian mused over the comment, lips pulled into a thin line. “You can’t tell your Dom about this if that’s what you’re concerned over... this is not covering up an illegal murder, no, but it’s not far off. I may make... questionable requests that will need to be kept a secret and will involve you taking potential legal risks though. Is that going to be a problem, Mel?”

Leo looked from Cristian to Mel. He could understand why someone might be hesitant but he had complete trust that Cristian wouldn’t ask something like this out of him unless it were important. He was also far too curious to turn back now. So, instead he relaxed back in his seat, crossing one leg over the other so that his ankle rested on his knee, as he watched for Mel’s answer to Cristian’s question.

Mel bit her lip and thought about it. Keeping a secret from Nico that sounded to be big would be...hard. Their relationship meant a lot to her, and the riots had only reinforced that. On the other hand, she knew Cristian wouldn't ask that unless it was important. If he was doing this, Lord Tybalt was involved in some way even if it wasn't official - and she owed too much to Lord Tybalt to forget that. Plus as selfish as it was, if she didn't know her curiosity was going to kill her. So. She'd just have to see if she could deal. "I'm in. It'll be tough, but I'll figure it out." She just hoped those wouldn't be on the list of 'famous last words'.

“Good,” Cristian replied almost immediately, though he silently hoped Mel was being honest and he wouldn’t later regret her involvement. He relaxed back in his chair, moving to address them both. “Now rather than beat around the bush, I’m certain both of you are fairly caught up on the entire proceedings of Oz’s trial from a few weeks ago, yes? I’m curious to hear your overall thoughts regarding the incident and the verdict. And please— don’t withhold anything. Speak openly. This is, after all, confidential.”

Once everyone seemed to be on the same page, Leo listened as Cristian began to speak, nodding with regard to the question of being caught up about Oz’s trial. He was surprised, however, to have Cristian ask them to speak about their overall thoughts. However, Leo answered after a moment, “Well, I’d been gone for quite some time, so I feel as though perhaps I don’t know him as well as others do, and therefore have no right to truly judge with regard to character. Still, I think it all seems very odd. I, personally, thought that things would inevitably go in his favor... but they didn’t.” It had all felt off in a way, but what did Leo know, really. He just assumed that he was missing something important from the trial, the whole judiciary system wasn’t his forte. However, after reading everything, speaking with Lucio had really made an impact on how Leo had felt over it all. It had caused him to look on Oz in a much more sympathetic light. In the end he didn’t really know how to put his thoughts into words, and so, left it at what he’d said.

"It stinks," Mel said bluntly. "If Oz had actually committed the murder, he'd have had a clean up crew through there and an alibi 10 Montagues deep so that the Watch looked like idiots for even trying to implicate him. He's too smart to be caught up in a case so...clumsy." Which seemed like a callous way to talk about a murder, but they weren't talking about that. They were talking about the trial and that was easier to be clinical about. "Not saying that he can't ever make mistakes, but like. During the year of the decree, he nearly rail roaded all 12 couples to be Montague Doms and Capulet submissives, and it happened so smoothly most of us didn't see it until he was close to winning. He's an asshole and he's guilty of a lot of shit I'm sure, but I don't buy that he's guilty of this one." She paused for a moment, biting her lip. "Plus. I don't know. He just seemed...sad."

“Yes, well, most people in his situation would likely appear sad, guilty or not,” Cristian replied back calmly, not at all surprised to see it was Mel who became more passionate about his question. It assured him somewhat of her investment in what he was asking of them. “You’re not alone in your doubts though. That doubt is specifically why you’re here— why you’re both here,” he explained. “Lord Tybalt and I both also found the entire case... for lack of a  better word— well— lacking. It isn’t to say the Watch did a poor job, so much as we believe someone else did an excellent job, and that there’s a decent chance Lord Oz is innocent. Certainly not of numerous other crimes of his, but at very least of murdering Rosemund Reed. Now of course, that opinion is not to leave this room. Like everything else said... this is off the record. But while both of us would love to see the man rot in prison, seeing him go down for a charge he did not commit... doesn’t sit well with us. So we intend to launch our own investigation into the case. One funded entirely by our own means,” he continued. Not that the family had much funding— but then again, that was why they were only involving family. Mel and Leo were already on payroll, and there would be no hired help that ran up bills. That, and for the sake of privacy. “In order for there to be any chance of success, however, it will require both of you as well.”

Somehow, Cristian’s plans didn’t surprise Leo. He sat quietly, listening to everything, waiting for when the submissive was finished speaking before he said anything. “Do we have any idea of where to start? Is there anything that gives us any clue as to which direction to go with this investigation, or are starting from scratch?” In truth, Leo just wanted to know where they stood in terms of knowledge. It would be easier to formulate a plan if he knew where they were so far.

Mel listened intently as Cristian started to outline what this was actually about. In a way, it was a relief. She knew why he said some of this might be questionable now, and it was likely she would have to stretch her own rigid code of ethics to be part of this investigation. But at the same time, he was right. If Oz didn't do this crime, it meant someone else had and had made it look like Oz. Which meant this was something a whole lot bigger that needed to be put right. That, she could agree with. Besides, this was going to be the biggest tech challenge of her life, so how could she pass it up? She waited to hear Cristian's answer to Leo's question even as her own brain started to tick through some of the various possibilities.

“We have what’s been released to the public thus far regarding the court cases,” Cristian admitted, lips curling into a slight frown. “Unfortunately not much else to begin with. “The question though is— presuming this is a cover up— who would want to frame Oz— and why now of all times. He’s committed numerous crimes on his own over the years... So why Rosemund and why now. Whomever it was was keeping a close eye on him or had someone doing it. Perhaps we could start with the witnesses interviewed and loose more closely at their cases and who these people are outside of the court room... That, or else try for more details from his family members. Try to find a motive and what may have changed over the past year aside from the decree being fulfilled. Something else has to have been going on,” Cristian suggested. “Leo, for you this means looking into some backgrounds and likely some legwork.. Mel... I know you’re talented, so this means digging up more data than just what’s public. Anything at all you can find or access— if either of you require additional resources of any form at any time, you can come to me with those needs.”

So they didn't have very much to go on. Leo had a feeling that his own family members wouldn't have much else to share that wasn't already in Oz's favor. But they had to start somewhere. Looking into the backgrounds for people would be simple enough. He had ways of finding out information, if there was anything else to be had that they didn't already know. With a nod, "Of course. Is there anyone, or anywhere in particular that you're wanting me to start? Or should I just make up my own mind with that?" He turned to look at Mel, "And I may need some help with a thing or two... but I'll let you know if we come to that."

"The decree being fulfilled and the Romanos coming to town," Mel added almost absently as she started to think through the problem as it had been presented to her. She might be able to access the full testimonies at least with some strategic information hunting which would give her a better place to go. Who knows? Maybe it was time to test if she could actually stack up to the Montague tech security. At Leo's direct question she refocused back in. "Hm? Yeah, just let me know and I can tell you how possible it is and how much time it'll take."

Cristian's lips curled into a faint frown. Jumping to conclusions was one concern of his involving individuals who werent trained for this type of work. "Be mindful of your thoughts Mel, and try to remember we must consider all possibilities here... The last thing we can afford is chasing false leads or making up our own. Yes the decree was fulfilled and new individuals settled into Verona, however, last I checked there wasn't any evidence of a motive for the latter to want this done with Oz, nor should the decree have any impact on them," he addressed in a rather parental tone. "Perhaps they do have something to do with it, but for all we know if someone did frame him, it could be someone within our very family-- or a Montague just as well, looking for a shift in power. Or even, perhaps a third party not known. We must consider all possibilities. Understood?"

Mel’s thoughts had Leo’s mind sifting through possibilities. He knew better, he’d been around enough corruption, and closed door plotting to know that every single option couldn’t be taken off the table until it was completely cleared. Maybe there was nothing to what she said, but it was still an avenue to be explored later on. He remained silent as he compiled a mental checklist of all the possibilities for who might have motives against the former head of the Montague family, and frowned as he realized that list was likely a rather long one. He merely nodded at what Cristian said, not needing to add anything else to what had been said.

Cristian's criticism had Mel refocusing. "What? I wasn't saying that they did. You were just saying stuff that had changed, and the Romanos arriving is a big thing for the city. It's not that often that new aristocracies rise up out of nowhere. But I know how important it is to be thorough. Especially with something like this." What they were doing was insane enough that she wasn't going to rush to any conclusions. But it was a reminder that she would need to bite her tongue even around Cristian. He was bound to be balancing a lot since he was coordinating whatever this was. But that parental tone made her want to sass him back. Which she tried to suppress. Now really wasn't the time.

One eyebrow rose in response to Mel's defensive tone, not wholly convinced but knowing he had little choice at this point than to trust Mel, and that now was not the time to make mountains out of molehills. "Very well," he responded after a beat, sighing. "Are there any questions as to steps moving forward? Currently we will need to do some digging... look for leads. Nobody is to hear word of your activities, and anything you find is to immediately be reported directly to me. Discussions regarding updates in findings should be through secure means online or in the privacy of our own offices here at the estate. You may work with each other of course, however, as a reminder Lord Tybalt is not involved with our investigation. He is for all intents and purposes to remain publicly opposed to Lord Oz and accepting of the court's ruling."

It was true, what Mel said. Despite the fact that she hadn't intended to point a finger at the Romano family, Leo knew that as unlikely as it might be, all options had to remain open. That included their own family, which he certainly hoped it didn't turn out to be. The fact that Cristian was warning them about keeping everything quiet seemed unnecessary where he was concerned, and he merely nodded along. He understood the severity of what could happen if word got out that they were doing any of this. Fortunately for him, the only to people he would even care to speak to about this were in the room with him. "I have no questions now, but I'll come to you later if I do. I'm sure that once I've had time to think about things, questions will come up. Can't exactly be prepared with all the appropriate things to ask when you don't know what's coming." He would ask Cristian later if anything came to mind, but for now he needed time to consider where to begin with his new task.

"Nope, no real questions." Until she had a better sense of what had actually happened during the trial, she wouldn't know what leads would be viable. She looked at Leo for a moment, before mentally shrugging. At least the three of them could bounce ideas off of each other, and she and Leo had already been working together so closely no one would find anything to comment on in that. "If it works for you, I'm going to start by disconnecting one of the computers in my office from the main server and setting it up with its own password the three of us. It won't be totally impossible to trace stuff back to us as we're using it, but it'll make it harder to connect. I'll have that set by tomorrow."

Cristian nodded, surprised by Mel's comment and actually finding himself somewhat relieved. Those were the types of ideas he needed right now and why he'd found it so valuable to work with the two of them. While he wasn't sure if they'd find the proof needed, he was hopeful if anyone would, it would be the three of them... And perhaps whomever else was needed along the way. "Very well then. I trust you both to be discrete, but yes--  we need to start taking action immediately," he reaffirmed. "That should be all we need to cover for now.. I will follow up with you both when the time comes for us to reconvene together, but until then please take all precautions for none of this to leak out and alert me immediately to any leads as they come forward. "

[lolainblue]

Presque Vu -- Chapter 38

FOR THOSE NOT AWARE: 

Since it’s been a while since I posted this story, let me reiterate: This story contains smut, kink, and sexual themes. This is a poly relationship. There are threesomes. There is BDSM. If this is not for you, that is fine, No judgment here. I have many other stories to choose from. I won’t tag individual chapters in this story, as references are made to all of that repeatedly throughout, so if you can’t read some of it, you probably aren’t going to be able to read most of it, and you really should just move on to another piece. 

Raina located a few generously sized wine glasses and set them down on the counter, observing the tiny quiver in her hands as she did so. She told herself to settle down, this was only a chat, she had certainly done far wilder things with Jared than chat. But this was different. Things done in the heat of passion, drunk on lust, were easy for her. Sitting down and calmly, rationally dissecting her feelings on anything wasn't a journey she took to easily. She was determined, however, to get through this...

Looking for the corkscrew, Raina rustled through one of the kitchen drawers but came up empty-handed. With a sigh, she closed that drawer and went to open the next one. In her anxiety and haste, she yanked too hard on the drawer. It came loose from its track with a clatter, sending silverware and kitchen implements spilling across the white tile.

“Dammit!” she exclaimed as she bent down to pick up the mess. “Why the hell does someone who can't cook have this much crap in his kitchen drawers?”

“Because he likes to have other people cook for him. And he has delusions of cooking for himself sometimes,” Shannon chuckled from behind her. He bent down, his eyes crinkled in merriment as they met hers.

Raina gave him a grateful smile. “Oh, sorry. I didn't hear you come back in.”

“It's okay.” His big hand slid across hers as she went to pick up an errant pair of kitchen shears. “Let me get this for you.”

“You can help,” Raina conceded before moving on to some grill skewers that had skittered underneath the edge of the counter.

“You know, you could do to take a few deep breaths while I get this, stubborn girl. Pour some of that wine you have set out.”

“I need the corkscrew. I was trying to find it when...” Raina gestured to the mess on the floor.

Shannon fished around for a minute before locating the needed implement and pressing it into her palm. “Here. Open your wine. I've got this. Jared needs to get the catch on the drawer fixed anyway. It's been broken for months.”

Raina straightened herself up and drew a nice deep, steady, breath in through her nose, held it, then slowly exhaled. Her tension was completely out of proportion to the situation and she knew it. She took a few more calming breaths before opening the wine bottle.

“Did I tell you you look beautiful tonight?” Shannon murmured as he moved in behind her, hands sliding around her waist and crossing her stomach before clutching her against his own warm body.

“Only about a dozen times,” she laughed.

“Well, that's because you do. You look absolutely stunning and it's nothing to do with that dress.”

“Oh? What it is then? The stockings?” she teased.

“No,” Shannon turned her around so that she was facing him. “It's just you. You are shaking off those shadows that you've been carrying with you all this time. The more you do, the more you that comes out. And you are remarkable.”

Raina could feel the blood flushing her checks. “Not feeling particularly remarkable right now. I feel like a big old chicken, too scared of what I want to admit it.”

“That's not honest fear. It's conditioning. The world likes to tell us there's only one way to do things. It's scary when you break away from that in any way, like moving a thousand miles away from home and starting a new life.” Shannon took Raina's chin in his hand and winked at her. She couldn't help but smile back. “Don't get a case of nerves on me now, Rainy Girl. You've come too far.”

Shannon drew the calloused pad of his thumb across Raina's lower lip. Her breathing changed immediately, from something tight and anxious, to quivering but deep breaths that drew in his scent and made her head swim. Her eyes fluttered, her body reacting to his touch and proximity by a curious combination of instinct and habit. When he pressed his body against hers and pushed her back against the counter she offered no resistance. She simply slipped her arms around his shoulder and enjoyed him as his lips claimed hers. When he pulled away, she was disappointed but calmer.

“Hey, I know you guys still haven't done your thing,” Shannon murmured, his voice low and sultry. “And I would love to take you back to the bedroom right now and get you the hell out of this dress. But I need you guys to finish and honestly, I need a few things from my place. Would it be okay with you if I made a quick run over there and then came right back? I can stay if you need me to but...”

“But maybe this would be easier if it were just me and Jared at this point.” Raina finished. “Yeah. You'll be back soon though, right?”

“Of course I will,” Shannon affirmed before kissing her again. “No way am I missing out on time with you.”

Raina managed to sneak one more kiss out of him before heading out the door, still dashing in his black suit. With a satisfied hum, she filled the wine glasses and made her way to the dining room, her mind now happily settled on Shannon instead of worrying over her inhibitions.

She had enough time for a few sips of wine before Jared finally reappeared from the little office, sheets of paper and pencils in hand. He proudly presented Raina with half the stack, and then took the seat next to her.

“Thank you for the wine,” he said as he took a small sip.

Raina laughed. “The wine is for me, let's be honest. You never take more than a few tastes.”

“I know,” Jared agreed with a shrug. “I don't like the feeling of being drunk. Haven't drank in years. But it's nice to enjoy the taste sometimes, and a few sips of wine don't bother me.”

“Does it bother you that I drink?”

“No. You enjoy your wine, but I don't think I've ever actually seen you drunk on it. You don't do it to excess, it doesn't interfere with your work or our relationship, so why would I object?”

“I don't know. It just seems that most people that I've met that don't drink get kind of judgemental about people that do it regularly.”

Jared leaned over and kissed Raina's forehead. “Don't you know by now I'm not most people?”

That made Raina laugh. “I guess I do.”

Jared smiled affectionately at Raina and she reached over and gave his hand a light squeeze before turning her attention to the papers in front of her. “Okay. So what do I do?” she asked him.

“It's pretty straightforward, really. This column here,” he indicated with a tap of his finger, “is for your experience level with that particular activity. You can indicate it however you want, but beginner, intermediate, advanced is probably easiest. If you haven't done it before but you're curious, use a question mark. If it's out of the question, just put a line through the whole thing. You know what hard and soft limits are, right? We've had that discussion?”

“Yes, Jared. We've had that discussion.”

“Good. We'll consider a strikethrough a hard limit. Maybe circle if it's a soft limit? Like, you don't think you'd like it...”

“But it's not 100 percent off the table. Yeah. I understand.”

“Great. Then after that, unless there's a strikethrough, go to the next column and indicate how interested or pleasurable you find the activity, from zero to five. Zero is not at all, five means it's one of your favorite activities.”

“Well, that sounds simple enough.”

“Good. I'll fill one out too and we can compare if you want or just focus on your answers.”

Raina took a big swig of her wine and then turned her attention to the questions in front of her. They started off simply and innocently enough, asking about vagina sex and oral sex, then getting slightly more risque with anal sex and threesomes. Things quickly escalated after that, however, and Raina found herself wading through questions about rope suspension, collars, leashes, gags, and paddles. When she reached questions about branding, knife play, a section ominously titled “Other Body Fluids” she set her pencil down.

“Hey,” Jared said softly as he no doubt took in her tense posture and fixed stare. “I know there's some extreme stuff on here. People are into some pretty wild things, and it's just a comprehensive list. Don't worry about the weird stuff. Just put a line through it and move if it makes you uncomfortable. That's what hard limits are for.”

Raina felt her throat closing as she shook her head. Her eyes with hot with tears and she felt a million miles away from Jared's soft, reassuring voice.

“Raina? It's okay, Babygirl. Talk to me.”

“What's wrong with me?” Raina asked as a hot tear fell onto the paper in front of her. “Am I broken? Is that why I like these things?”

“No. No, no, no, of course not.” Jared grabbed Raina's chair and pulled it back and turned it so that she was facing him. He took her head in his hands and waited until she finally looked up at him. “You are not broken, and neither am I. What question got you this upset? Because, as I said, I know there's some scary stuff on there. Hell, I've been doing this for ages and some of that stuff freaks me out a little. I don't even like to think about it. Kinks are kinks, and I'm not judging, but...”

Raina shook her head. “No. It's not the things I don't like that freak me out. Well, okay, a little bit, but...” She swallowed hard and swiped at her eyes to clear them. “It's what I do like that scares me. It shouldn't by now, I know,” she added hastily as she saw Jared beginning to object. “And if I'm being honest with myself, my earliest sexual fantasies were of things like getting tied up or spanked. It's always been with me. But I'm realizing I like the pain aspect of it. Like a lot. That shouldn't be right, should it? I shouldn't want someone to hurt me …”

Jared took in Raina's tears before simply wrapping his arms around her. The contact and warmth calmed her, and as soon as her breathing normalized, Jared sat back up.

“It's complex. No one really has any concrete answers for all of it. But everyone's brain chemistry is a little different, and pain releases endorphins and serotonin, just like pleasure does. I just think for some people that effect is a little more intense. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. None of this does.”

“I don't want to feel bad about what I enjoy anymore. But I don't want to walk around broken anymore either. I've had enough of that.”

Jared's expression changed as understanding settled in. “Now I get it. You think because you had a breakdown under very nasty circumstances that somehow means you're broken. You've never been broken, Raina. You've been a little lost, a little underwater, a little in need of a helping hand. But you've never been broken. There are some things I don't think we're meant to manage on our own. Your reaction was understandable. Please stop beating yourself up over it. Forgive yourself.”

Raina nodded, trying to control the teas that caught behind her eyes. “I did. Go through it alone. Dan was never supportive, and my friends didn't understand. Sorrow makes some people want to reach out to you and drives other people away. Unfortunately for me, everyone around me was that second type of person. But I should have known better. I should have … I mean, the therapist said that I picked bad friends, a lousy boyfriend, so it was all my fault,”

Jared wrapped his arms around her again. “Baby, I don't think that's what that therapist meant. If it was, they're an idiot. It wasn't your fault. Please.”

It wasn't your fault. Forgive yourself. No one had ever said that to her before. Not like this. Not this plainly. Not that she had ever really heard, anyway. Forgive yourself. Dear god, why hadn't she? After all this time, why did she still blame herself for grieving the woman who had meant everything to her? Why did she still blame herself for things other people did to her? How much time and energy had she wasted on regret and self-recrimination?

A sort of absolute clarity washed over Raina, and for the first time, in the improbable setting of taking a sex quiz with one of her boyfriends, she let it all go. She grabbed onto Jared as tightly as she could and sobbed her heart out. To his credit, he let her have her meltdown, pulling her shaking body into his lap, clutching her tightly against him as he rocked her.

After what felt like hours, but was probably more like about fifteen minutes, Raina quieted herself again and moved back to her own seat. “Why is that every time I have some sort of emotional epiphany these days it's always while we're talking about sex?”

“Because it's the only time you let your walls down,” Jared explained.

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Do you want to keep going?”

“The bondage quiz or the psychotherapy?”

“Either? Both?” Jared laughed.

“Let me go wash my face first.”

Raina took her time in the bathroom, letting the cool water soothe her blotched skin before touching up her makeup a bit. When she returned to the table she picked up her pencil and finished the questionnaire without another word.

“You're not broken, you know. Really,” Jared told her as she handed him the completed stack of paper. “There are studies. Terms. This isn't a disorder.”

“Okay,” Raina replied. “I think maybe I'm finally ready to accept that. I'm sorry it took such a dramatic turn though.”

“You know, I've never had anyone break down on me before over this, but I've heard of it happening. It's more difficult for some people to process. You know you can always talk to me though, right?”

“I do. It's just not in my nature. I get that from my grandmother, I think.”

“Well, can we work on that a little more? I know my last attempt at compelling you to open up didn't work so well,” he chuckled. Raina blushed at the memory of that intense afternoon that had left all three of them a little shaken up. “But I do think we need to do a better job of communicating.”

“I can agree to that.”

“Good.” He turned his attention back to the papers in his hand. “Do you want to discuss this or should I just look through it? Do you want to see mine?”

“You can just look through it and then talk to me about anything you need to talk to me about. And of course, I want to see yours. I want to please you. A map would help.”

Jared smiled and slid his questions across the table to Raina. He leaned back in his seat and began scanning her own questionnaire. “Well, that's surprising,” he remarked after a minute.

“What is?”

“My, my. We are going to have some fun,” he chortled, a lewd grin on his face.

“What are you looking at?” Raina demanded in a bit of a panic, trying to see where on her quiz he was looking.

Jared clutched the pages against his chest before tapping his finger on the table. “Nope. You passed up the chance to discuss it. Eyes on your own paper.”

“Wait, I didn't mean we couldn't discuss it all. I just meant...”

“No, it's fine. I've got this. No questions for the witness, your honor.”

Raina laughed. “Oh, come on. I thought you wanted more talking.”

“Oh, I think we'll be talking quite a bit. But let me finish.”

Raina scowled playfully at him before looking back at the sheets in front of her. She was relieved to see that most of his answers either matched hers or were at least things she was comfortable with exploring. Some of the questions had been rather unsettling. Then came the inevitable snag. “Uhm, Jared?”

“Yes?”

“There's one here … mummification? That's where your whole body is wrapped up really tight, right?”

“Yes.”

“You have that as a four. That means you really like to do that to your partner, right?

Jared sighed. “Yes. And I see you put a line through it, so that's a hard limit.”

“So, what does that mean? You really like it, but....”

“It means that we won't do that.”

Raina sighed. “But you really like it, and ...”

“It's a hard limit for you. It is, isn't it?”

“It sounds scary and not even a little bit sexy. I guess I'm kind of claustrophobic. So yeah. But you're at a four...”

“It doesn't matter. If you aren't comfortable and enjoying yourself then it's going to be a zero for me. That's how this works.”

“I guess.”

“No, not you guess. Definitely. That's absolute how this works and how it is supposed to work. None of this is enjoyable or even okay if only one person likes it. Otherwise, what is the point of doing this questionnaire?”

“You won't feel deprived?”

Jared laughed. Raina realized he had been laughing a lot tonight, but she never felt like any of it was condescending. He seemed to be enjoying all this. “Babygirl, did you look at my sheet? Have you seen how many things I marked? I promise I can find plenty of ways to amuse myself that you will enjoy.”

This led Raina to another question, one that had been circling her brain for weeks now. “You always say you have to hold back with me. The one time I thought we really let loose, you said that wasn't even that intense for you. So what is?"

Jared's eyes fixed on Raina, his pupils large, no doubt owing to the sexy nature of their discussion. It made him look darker, almost predatory, and Raina shivered. He looked at her for a long moment before grabbing the sheets in front of her and spreading them out.

“There,” he said, pointing to a section under “Impact Play”. “And there.” This time he indicated a section under “Gear”. Then he drew a circle with his finger around the entire “Predicament” subsection. “And that.”

Raina blinked at him, and her pulse quickened. Those sections had a lot of question marks for her, but also her biggest concentrations of fours and fives. She wasn't sure if the tingles running through her limbs now were fear or arousal, and her imagination had started to run wild. “Sir,” she managed to squeak out, suddenly unable to speak his name.

Jared quickly flipped to those sections on her sheets, taking them in. He let out a deep breath. “Well,” he turned back toward her, his eyes darker than before, his almost menacing leer making Raina's mouth run dry. “I think you can stop worrying about mummification. I think we're going to find plenty of ways to amuse each other.”

“What's up, sex nerds?” Shannon's playful voice called from the entryway as he slammed the door behind him. Raina and Jared both jumped at his sudden reappearance, and Raina felt her cheeks heating up as her gaze dropped to her lap. “Put down those number two pencils. It's naked time.”

@msroxyblog @nikkitasevoli @fyeahproudglambert @pheenixpeterson @snewsome756 @thepromiseofanend @llfd1977 @lostinletoland

[burlybanner]

Syzygy - An AU of Infundo (post-Infundo Chronicles).

Chapter 9: Who do you say that I am?

Summary:  Bruce has the upper hand, right?

Link to Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Author note: I am not a chemist and I don’t pretend to be. So feel free to shout at me if my technobabble is more babble than techno. Also, more DID stuff.

***

Funny enough, even though the video began playing there was still a good thirty second pause. Bruce watched "himself" rock back and forth in his chair, smile slyly to himself, and then root around in his drawers for something.

Bruce's lip curled in a small, self-righteous smirk. "Interesting."

"What is?"

"I'll tell you later, Steve. Keep watching; I want your honest perspective. If anything seems weird or off--" he made a face. "Well. More so than usual. Note it. I don't want you to tell me yet, but keep it in your head. I might need it later."

He could feel Steve fidgeting behind him but explaining would take too much time.

Your timing was off, Bruce sneered in his head. You expected me to pause it longer than thirty seconds. You missed.

He definitely heard a huff in his brain. I'm not omnipotent.

Bruce nodded to himself. Good. Professor didn't hold all the cards, then.

"Hey, I was saving that," Bruce muttered when Professor produced a tin from Bruce's desk. It was filled with tasty lemon bars that he'd planned on eating for a snack, after dinner, but Professor had wiggled his sausagey fingers and had begun chowing down on the tasty treats.

"Mm," Professor finally said. He grabbed a napkin and dabbed his lips before swallowing. "These are quite delicious, Banner. Absolutely heavenly. Sweet and sour treats are my favorite, by the way. Please eat more of them, whenever you're able." He ate three or four lemon bars before finding some hand sanitizer and wiping down his fingers.

"I imagine you're quite available for our conversation now. It's technically one-way. But I can tell you everything you need to know. In fact, I'll explain it quite easily to you, and the good Captain."

"There's that weird grin," Steve said. A growl had crept into his voice. "He knows I'm here, but I still see him for the bully he is. Sorry, Bruce. But your Person is an ass."

"Agreed," Bruce thought, chuckling. Professor huffed again deep inside but fortunately kept quiet in Bruce's mind.

Which could've been a strategic move but Bruce wouldn't analyze that yet. Too distracting and he hadn't finished the rest of the video.

Professor rose to his feet and slowly paced. The camera panned his movements as he commanded the lab area. Like a professor.

"One," he stated. "You know I am real. I typically stay out of things unless I'm warranted, but yes. You are correct. I've influenced some of your behavior in the past, and present. Possibly your future."

"Ass," Steve reiterated.

Bruce shushed him, since Professor seemed done pausing.

Professor held up his fingers like a peace sign. "Two. Hulk and I can work in tandem, but I usually let him do whatever he wants. I'm not a babysitter. I can influence him quite easily, though. He's such a child."

Bruce's expression hardened. Then how many people have you killed, how many families destroyed in my name, Professor? He thought darkly. If you're the Hulk's gatekeeper, was the killing and destruction in the name of science?

Professor appeared to grin and stare hard at the camera, almost winking at it, and Bruce's lips thinned. The answer was clear as day. Yes. Professor had done things. And he as the "Core" personality paid the price for the others. "Robbing Peter to pay Paul," Bruce muttered. He felt Steve's hug but he wasn't sure if Steve got what Professor had done. Tony probably had. Which meant they had a lot to discuss when he returned.

"Three," Professor said, his back to the camera. He held up three chubby fingers and pulled up another video screen on Bruce's desk. "I tampered with the gainer formula so it would be most effective. Jarvis? Zoom in if you would. Let Banner take a good, hard look at it."

Bruce hated being manipulated and playing into Professor's hands, but of course he was curious. "2-DG," He said, scanning the list. "Desipramine. Amitriptyline, escitalopram oxalate." Yes. He knew those drugs were in it, they weren't anything new.

Except...what was that hastily drawn scrawl--

He hissed sharply between his teeth. "Zolpidem...and thioridazine? Both of them...? You son of a bitch--"

Professor tutted and wagged his finger at the camera, as if he knew exactly what Bruce had said. "Swearing is such a nasty habit. Please refrain from doing so."

"Pause it, Jarvis."

Steve was the one who spoke this time, and Bruce checked over his shoulder. Steve's expression was hooded and stoic. But the love in his eyes was genuine. "You're on sedatives for your anxiety, aren't you?"

Bruce let out a slow breath. "Tranxene," he murmured. He took off his glasses and polished the lenses with his lab coat sleeve. "Pretty high doses of it, actually. Higher than the average person can afford to take." He pursed his lips and put back on his glasses. "And that's part of the problem."

"All those chemicals you read out," Steve said. He began rubbing Bruce's shoulder. "Do some of them interact with the tranxene?"

"Yup," Bruce said, sighing heavily. "In the wrong amounts they'd kill the average person. The gainer shake would kill Tony if he had anything more than four ounces. Although you'd be okay," He said, patting Steve's arm. "Probably mentally checked out, but you'd be okay. But with the addition of zolpidem...well." Bruce grunted and sat down. "Zolpidem has reported side effects of sleepwalking. And in some cases, sleep eating."

Steve snorted, laughing a little in between. "Which explains why you got the night munchies."

"Yes. However." Bruce turned, looking at Steve full in the face. "The thioridazine is a bigger issue. It's a phenothiazine, normally used for people suffering from schizophrenic episodes, and it can...really fuck up people like me." He absently scrubbed his face. He had a lot of questions. So. Many. Questions. But he'd have to find the time to ask, away from Steve.  "My balance between Hulk and now the Professor -” Bruce nodded to the screen. “That’s his preferred name, by the way--my...our balance depends on my own awareness levels. Hulk received the suggestion of the gainer shake from the Professor, but this was after Professor tampered with the ingredients. In short,  Professor created the shake so our walls would be tenuous, at best. It wasn't to allow the Hulk to binge eat, Steve. I think--"

His lips twisted, and the weird silence in his head confirmed it as he sighed. "Professor wants more control. He wants to Drive, in a sense. And he's using Hulk as leverage, and my desires for immobility, to do so. If I keep using the shake I'll gain. Definitely. But it also gives Professor that open window to play whenever he wants, by taking over my mind and body while I'm in a drugged, hypnotic state." Bruce stared coldly at the screen. "And I do not trust him."

Steve rolled a hand through his hair. "So it's potentially bad news. Do you have a reason to distrust him, though? Outside of acting like a jerk, has he really done anything...horrible?"

"I don't know," Bruce murmured. "I suspect he might be responsible for some of Hulk's earlier battle rampages. Or even some of the recent ones. But proving it will be...uncomfortably difficult."

"Why?"

Bruce sighed. "Because it means talking to them both. At the same time. And I don't think I'm able to do that without losing what little sanity I have left."

Steve grunted but chewed his bottom lip. "But would he have anything to gain - pun notwithstanding - now? He's folded. Given up his hand. You didn't know he was around until now, and he could've continued playing you."

"Tony figured it out, Steve.” He nodded to the monitor. “That's the only reason he showed up."

"Maybe." Steve tapped his chin. "I think you're right, though, Bruce. There's something else to this. But I don't think we're on the right track. I think it's something else."

"Really?"

Steve shrugged. "Either that, or he's just an ass who gets his kicks from people coming up with conspiracy theories. Could go either way."

"Thanks," Bruce deadpanned. He made a face and finger combed his curls. "We can't keep him on pause forever, Steve. He's gotten quiet in my head but I think he's waiting for me to make the next move." His eyes wandered over the screen and keyboard. All of it was, for lack of a better term, a clusterfuck and he wasn't sure how to fix it. And he wanted Tony back.

"We can wait a little while, if you're not up to it."

Bruce rubbed his chubby chin. "Nah. Better to rip off the band-aid, so we can deal with it. Jarvis," he sighed, "go ahead and play the rest."

There was another uncannily long pause, and Bruce smirked. He needed to use that information, that Professor made mistakes. He'd need that knowledge.

"Got it all out of your system? Good. Yes, you're right; the walls between us are thinner than ever. Unlike," Professor chuckled, "our body. Which is glorious, by the way. Can't wait to see what else you do with it."

"Can't tell if he's being sarcastic, or not," Steve grumbled.

"Shh," Bruce admonished. "Let him finish."

"Anyway, Banner, that's all I wanted to show you. I had to introduce myself properly, after all." His gaze sharpened, and the same cold chill ran down Bruce's back. "However, I do miss my science partner. Be careful with him, won't you? Try to bring him back in one piece. And tell him," he said, that same self-satisfied smirk spreading across his lips.  

"Tell him I said 'hi.'."

"That was the conclusion of the transmission," Jarvis intoned. "Do you need to review it for future use?"

"Yes," Bruce and Steve said together. Bruce smiled and rubbed Steve's hand. "Also, Jarvis, I'm asking for your help. If any of my...Selves decide to make a recording, wait until I'm 'me.' " He realized how weird that sounded, and sighed deeply. "Shit - I guess I should ask. Jarvis, can you tell the difference between us?"

Jarvis paused a millisecond before answering. "I've analyzed your mannerisms and compared them to the Professor as well as Hulk. I feel I'll have no issues telling the three of you apart, regardless of who is in control."

"Good." Bruce gave Steve a small look over his shoulder, unsure what the man was thinking. It was a lot to take in, he knew. And to be fair, he didn't expect Steve to respond to any of it well. It warmed him that Steve was doing this well. "Do me a favor, Jarvis. Always view me, Hulk, and Professor as three separate individuals. If another Person wants to access the system, they will need my permission first or, in a pinch, Tony or Steve if I’m ‘unavailable.’ But no one else. Is that clear?"

"Affirmative," Jarvis said. "On that note, would you like to view the notes and information I've gathered over time, notes the Professor might have added to my server files?"

"Wow.” Professor was a sneaky bastard. Of course he’d used Jarvis before, and Jarvis probably hadn’t known any better. He shared a look with Steve who looked equally uncomfortable. Maybe he’d talk to Tony about it later, whenever he got back. 

Bruce chewed his lip. "Yes, please, Jarvis. I'll need to look over those documents. I'll need to know if he's been tampering with any of my experiments."

Which would be horrific. What had the Professor done? How much damage--?

"Muffin," Steve sighed. Apparently he’d had enough, and Bruce didn’t blame him. He pulled Bruce close to his chest and rubbed circles across his back. "Professor’s made a mess of things, huh?"

Bruce chuckled darkly. "Understatement."

"Thought so. You should take a break, or a bath and get some food in ya." He grabbed Bruce’s shoulders and softly twirled him, so he could pat Bruce’s stomach. To Bruce's surprise his stomach growled. Loudly. "See? You're hungry. Get some snacks from the kitchen and de-stress. We'll worry about this Professor guy when you're more up to it."

"Maybe." Bruce wrung his hands, feeling out of sorts. The day started crappy and went downhill from the time he woke up. The Professor pressed all his triggers while singling out his frustrations and weaknesses. "I can't relax too much, though. The thought of what might happen..." He ran a hand down his face. "I dunno, Steve. I--"

"You'll be fine, Bruce, you've been okay to this point, right?" Bruce half-shrugged. "Then no worries, all right? We'll take care of the rest when it happens. Like you said, he tipped his hand and made himself a target."

Bruce rolled his eyes. "Not the best analogy, but--"

Steve put a finger to Bruce’s lips, stifling his rant. "Eat something, Muffin. Then do something to relax. Maybe turn on Netflix, or something. I'll be up to check on ya in a bit."

A small frown marred Bruce's features. "What are you doing?"

"I need to blow off some steam," he said, shrugging. "It was a weird experience for me, too, and I've gotta wrap my head around it."

"Hmm." Well, he couldn't argue with Steve because he agreed, but still. "Don't take too long. I think I need a lot of TLC tonight."

Steve laughed. "You got it. Tonight’s your night."

"Okay. I'm holding you to that," Bruce said, as he made his way to the exit. "You take too long, and I'll come find you. And you said it yourself, you don't want me burning any extra calories."

Steve chuckled. "Forty-five minutes, tops." 

He watched Bruce leave. But Bruce missed the subtle frown tugging at the corners of Steve's lips.

[winchester-reload]

Pairing: Dean/Cas Length: 2.5k Tags: Fluff, Mild Angst, Pining, First Kiss, Canon Divergent   Read on AO3

A special thank you to @braezenkitty for being my awesome beta <3

“You just gotta get laid,” Dean said, reseating the burger beside the pile of fries on his plate, this time with a big bite missing. “Or a decent kiss, at least.”

He crumbled a napkin between greasy fingers, tossed it to the middle of the table. Shoved his shirtsleeves up one more time as he tucked his black fed tie under the table ledge and away from the plate. “It’d loosen you up, buddy. And maybe you’d quit tryna live vicariously through horny eighteen-year-olds.”

This was because of the door-to-door canvas. The couple at the park who’d been all over each other, that Castiel hadn’t been able to stop looking at—even after the old, blue-haired lady at 512 Bakersfield Court had made a comment. “Your partner likes to stare…” like she’d never in her seventy-five years of life seen someone curious about such a thing.

“If only that was the first time I heard it, too,” Dean’d smiled back from her stoop, the sharp sun cooking them both in the stuffy Tennessee heat. A marked jab to Cas’ ribs, and a walk to the nearest pub later, and Dean was bringing it up again, because, of course he was. Why talk about the case?

“I only glanced at the couple in the park,” Cas sighed. “It’s not a recurring issue. It doesn’t mean anything.”

Dean laughed, lipped his beer bottle, and took a stout drink. “Sure,” he said. “Glanced at them. Glanced at those girls holding hands last week—though, I’ll give ya that one. I gave ‘em a couple once-overs too.”

“Dean—”

“Point is, it ain’t the first time, and you’re a damn liar.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “My being, or not being with people has nothing to do with anything—”

“Has everything to do with everything when you’re touch-starved.”

“I’m not starved. I’ve been… touched.”

Dean scoffed, swirled his beer bottle. “Sure, if you wanna count Reaper-Fools-Day.”

“I’ve kissed more people than April,” Cas bristled back. “How about we talk about what you know of touch starved instead?”

Dean snapped shut, cocked his head as a follow-up comment seemed to slip from his mouth quick. He replaced the words with a couple fries and averted eyes. “Fine,” he relented around the bite. “And?”

“And… What?”

He looked back up, eyebrows jumping. “Were they any good?”

“Who? The people?”

“The kissing, idiot. Was the kissing any good?”

Cas’ heart flopped. He slipped a hand down his beer bottle, and then back up again nervously. The motion pulled Dean’s attention in a glance, so Cas tucked the rogue thing back onto his lap instead. Fingers lacing together under the shelter of the slick waxed top where no one could see. “I don’t know. Yes?” he offered carefully.

“Are you tellin’ me, or askin’ me right now?”

“No—I mean… ” Cas cleared his throat, shifted in his chair, and listened to the wood slats groan. “They were fine. They were… wet.”

“Wet?” Dean repeated. “Cas, wet is how you describe a swimming pool… Oregon in the winter, maybe… Not a kiss. Never a good kiss.”

“Then how should I describe it?”

“No, I mean… if they were wet, then they were wet—”

“No, please. You tell me.”

Dean’s face suddenly fell wide in mock innocence. “What? You want me to describe a good kiss to you right now? In the middle of a restaurant.”

“If wet is insufficient—”

“Oh, yeah. It’s like, miles of not-sufficient-ness, dude.”

Cas chewed a smile down and gestured Dean’s way. Crossed his arms, and sat back. He watched Dean waffle before finally sliding back in his chair to think. He splayed wide, elbows up on the armrests and knees hugging the corners. His face caught the dim overhead lights, and the sun-kissed healthy pink of his skin shone back like warm earth.

He had white in the creases beside his eyes where his smile lines had shaded him from the harsh afternoon sun. A little cut of tan at the bridge of his nose where his sunglasses sat after he’d gotten sick of squinting through the reflections of every bright midday door.

“Okay, it’s like this,” he said finally, tapping an erratic finger on the neck of his bottle, and pausing to worry his lip. “A kiss is a kiss is a kiss, til it ain’t. If you’re with the right person, then the tension between you’s gonna be thick enough to cut. It’s gonna feel like you’ve got a firecracker in your gut, and that other person’s just flicking the Bic. The minute the two of you kiss, the fuse lights. That bastard explosive rips up through your chest, and pops behind your eyes, and I’m talking—screw seeing colors at that point—you’ll be so wrecked, you’ll know what they sound like.”

Castiel smiled as Dean came back in with a languid look, and a tongue tip between his teeth. He peeled forward, hovering over the table, so much closer than before, that there was only the dragging smell of his burger all tangled up in his woody cologne for Cas to breathe.

“That’s a good kiss,” he said slowly, and maybe it was Castiel’s imagination, but the sun kiss on Dean’s cheeks had spread to his ears now. “Sounds good, don’t it?”

“It sounds very good,” Castiel agreed. “Very surreal.”

Dean let a long, animated sigh into the room and it mixed happy with the gentle murmur of the busy forks and glasses around them. “Oh, it’s very real,” he said. “Just not very common.”

He poked absently at the pile of cooling fries, and sucked the salt from the end of his finger. The gorgeous smacking sound it made curled red ribbons in Cas’ stomach. “Still, you find someone who’ll give you that, and it’s the kinda thing that’ll right some wrongs. Know what I mean?”

Cas took a long drink, smile falling as the carbonation from his beer prickled reality back into his tongue. “Sure,” he said quietly. “I’ll have to take your word for it.”

Dean’s mouth thinned, and his eyes ping-ponged away uneasy. He tailed and tacked down the waitress, kept locked on her as she floated behind the counter poking something into the mounted LED screen beside the register. “Doesn’t that rub you, though?” he asked, “not knowing for yourself. Don’t you… want that with somebody?”

Cas puffed surprised, and his mouth went dry. Try as he might, the beer wouldn’t wet it. “I mean, yes…” he said earnestly, and the admission ate holes in his stomach.

“Then… how come you ignore all the waitresses I send your way? You’re never gonna get it if you don’t even try.”

Cas was suddenly, and shamefully aware of his attention at Dean’s lips, and when Dean snagged a glance at him, Cas tore his eyes away, shoved them onto the table instead. Focused everything he had on the bleed of condensation below the cool, brown bottle to his left.

“Those people wouldn’t change anything,” he said to the ring. “Colors were never meant to make sounds for some.”

Dean fidgeted the fries again, finally pushed them aside, and brushed the salt off his hand this time instead of eating it. “I guess we better head out,” he said, flagging the waitress. “Sam’s waiting.”

They paid, and headed back out into the melty summer heat. It was sunset, but the air was still laying in the city thick as a wool blanket. Shadows stretched through the streets like plastic-capped Halloween fingers, crowding up in the alleyways and turns, painting the dingy brick walls black.

Cas flared his coat to check his back pocket for his wallet as they passed a couple people with hungry eyes, but just as quickly remembered that he’d dropped his last twenty for the meal, and let the impulse to feed them drift out. Still, he welcomed the brief breeze it gave him, and he wondered if maybe it was getting time to rethink the coat. Grace or not, he seemed to be touchier to the temperatures these days, and it was starting to seem like wardrobe was becoming more important—practically speaking.

Dean shed his own suit coat as if he’d just read Castiel’s mind, and slung it over his shoulder with a hooked finger. His shirtsleeves were still shoved up to his elbows under the blazer, as if he’d put it on after dinner, distracted. “Nothing fancy,” he murmured to his feet.

“Pardon?”

“Hmm—?” He looked over quick, eyes wide, before blinking them back down. “What?”

“I just didn’t catch what you said.”

Dean shook his head. “I didn’t—” But when Cas frowned, opened his mouth to contest, Dean relented. “Oh, you mean the, uh, thing I said out loud…” He cleared his throat, added “apparently” under his breath, and slowed down for some oncoming foot traffic.

“I was just thinking about the, uh, Nichols’ story,” he said, temporarily falling in line behind Cas as a group of people passed. He touched the small of Cas’ back out of nowhere, and kept his hand there. Cas’ chest snagged. “The alibi Brent was peddling didn’t feel right.” His voice was soft in Cas’ ear, almost breathy—but brief, and when he pulled up beside Cas again, sidewalk clear, Cas grabbed a shaky glance, but Dean wasn’t watching.

“You, uh, think they have something to do with the black magic we’re seeing?” Cas asked, and his voice managed to pour out level, despite his stomach coming off that quick rollercoaster dip.

“I mean, the house was a little much for a twenty-hour a week gas-slinging gig at the local area Gas n’ Sip, don’t you think?”

It was the most they’d talked about the case all day.

“Fancy,” Cas reiterated, then, “I certainly never would’ve been able to afford that place when I worked there.” For some reason, the comment pulled Dean tight at the joints. “But I couldn’t even afford hourly motels.”

“Well… the hourlies charge more.”

Cas frowned again, started to ask why when Dean squirmed past it. “But, you’re right,” he said. “Doesn’t add up no matter how you flip the numbers.”

“So, do you suspect they’re the source of the black magic, or victims of it?”

They hopped down the curb, checking the way for traffic, and ended up on the grassy side of Spring Street, just down from their motel. Dean popped a piece of gum in his mouth, balled the wrapper, and stuck it back in his pocket instead of tossing it away.

“I suspect there’s something screwy going on,” he said, “and that’s as far as I’ve got.”

He plucked the gum from his mouth a moment later, and flicked it to the bushes, ran a hand down his face. “Sam’s doing backgrounds as we speak. Here’s hoping there’s a smoking gun in there somewhere. But, ‘til we get that, we’re pulling straws.”

The streetlamps kicked on, buzzing like fireflies in the thick night, the light falling on the street in goldweave strings as they hustled past a defunct sporting goods store—hollow bones brick and mortar now. No one missing what used to be inside.

Dean scanned the streets, watched another few strings of dusk foot traffic pass on the left while he chewed his cheeks.

“Did Sam find anything at the morgue?” Cas pressed, because the silence seemed oddly unnerving.

“No—I mean, uh, I don’t know. Haven’t talked to him.”

“I thought we were meeting him.”

Dean’s attention caught up in a little alcove at the end of the street and he gripped his jacket tighter, tucked his chin and let a heavy breath out. “We are,” he said quietly.

“Not at the morgue?”

“Um, no, he’s at the motel,” Dean said, and he sounded nervous. “Waiting to take us.”

“Maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll find a hex bag, or—”

Dean suddenly shoved Cas’ sideways, off the street and into the alcove, shadows tangling up in the corners of it, all those long witch fingers bleeding to flat black. Castiel grunted, surprised. “What’re you—” and his throat went dry as Dean pushed him into the stuccoed brick backside of a closed Chinese restaurant, hands curling up on both sides of Cas’ jaw, but fingers combing a soft arc “—doing?”

“Nothin’, if you don’t want me to,” Dean whispered, conviction skippy at best. His body was hot against Cas. Heavy and hard. Nothing like April’s… Meg’s… Hannah’s…

The question—and it was a question—coiled in Cas’ belly like a fever dream, but an answer never had a chance of bubbling back out. Because a response would’ve been moot before it ever left his lips. Castiel’s pause was too long to be a no, and his fingers had already found their way to Dean’s waist. They were making note of the way his blue button down clung to his sides, like the tee underneath had been soaking in all that sudden, nervous heat since before they’d ever even left the bar.

And so, Dean brushed their lips together, not a hesitation so much as dipping a toe, and a rush of butterflies went right to Cas’ head without mercy. Cas whimpered without meaning to, and Dean landed the meat of the kiss, hands falling down Cas’ neck and dragging that unruly sensation through. His lips were soft and his cheeks, five o’clock gritty. He worked Cas’ mouth open with a roll of his jaw, and a flirty burst of mint graced Cas with the pass of Dean’s tongue.

Castiel melted into it, fingers curling around the back of Dean’s head as he tried desperately to get a handhold on something. Their hips rolled together. Cas stole himself a handful of Dean’s ass. Felt Dean hard against him as he moved against Cas’ thigh.

Dean’s breath went rocky, like he was fighting some kind of tightrope walk of heavy and thin, and the sound he made was dirty enough to sin. Castiel nosed him, combed fingers through his hair as Dean pulled back. His eyes fell hot on Cas’ mouth. The shadows ate the flush from his face, but not the burning heat of it.

“Now tell me again,” he whispered, voice licking at Cas ear and coming out like gravy. “Tell me again what a kiss feels like.”

Castiel huffed, tried to catch his running brain. He couldn’t help himself, hands still at Dean’s waist, he held him there. The both of them were hard, and neither of them were in a hurry to do anything about it. “I would say… green makes a helluva sound,” he whispered back.

He watched a wicked smile crawl through Dean’s face. “There it is,” Dean hummed, dragging a chill with his thumb from the skin he’d bared at Cas’ side, and chasing it to Cas’ neck with a soft breath, a kiss. “An’ I’m just getting started too.”

Then, he pulled away, the absence of his sticky heat leaving Cas bare. The gravel chewed under Dean’s heels as he headed for the street, pausing only to stoop for the jacket he’d shed at some point on the way. He shook it off, straightened his tie. “Let’s go! We’re late!”

Castiel swallowed, hand to his stomach, and peeled himself from the brick.

[zombiesbecrazy]

Phantom Pain Relief

Summary: Alfred Pennyworth's days have been rather dull since Bruce Wayne lost his memories, until an unexpected guest shows up on his doorstep.

Set the day prior to Grayson #12

In honour of one of Dick Grayson's many birthdays :)

Word Count: 4366

AO3

Alfred was finding himself with a lot more free time on his hands. Or hand as it were.

His duties under this new, memory-less version of Bruce Wayne were much closer to those of a typical butler; cooking, cleaning, general household tasks. It was a lot less surveillance or medical emergencies than in his previous reiteration of his role and resulted in a lot more consistent sleep patterns and time to himself. He still assisted the rest of the family on a nightly basis as required from the confines of the Cave, but it was a much calmer and subdued than before without Batman overseeing the events.

Frankly, things were dull for the first time in a long time and if he were to be entirely honest, he was getting bored.

He was going to have to get a new hobby soon to keep himself entertained.

It was three o’clock on a Sunday afternoon and he was sitting in his living room with a cup of Earl Gray and a book that he had been meaning to read for months. Sunday had always been his day off, theoretically, but he couldn’t remember the last time that he had fully taken the day to himself before Master Bruce’s memory loss. Yesterday, New Master Bruce (as Alfred had taken to thinking of him) had insisted that Alfred take the day completely off because he had noticed that his butler hadn’t actually done so since his return, and New Master Bruce had thought that was odd.

New Master Bruce had laughed and said lightly “I’m capable enough to look after myself without adult supervision for one day a week, right?” and Alfred had just smiled and replied with “I should hope so, sir” and then provided strict instructions to not attempt to use the stove because that had always ended badly before and amnesia was surely just going to exacerbate that.

A knock at his door came as a surprise.

Before he opened it, Alfred knew that it could have only been a handful of people.  Most callers to the manor (who made it past the gate unnoticed) went to the front door. Close friends of the family often used the kitchen side door, but there wasn’t really anyone in that position right now who knew New Master Bruce well enough for that. In case of extreme emergency, those with the power of flight had been allowed to use the north side third floor lounge balcony, but other than that all costumed appearances must be through the various Cave entrances. Not many had that type of access privilege anyway.

A knock at this particular location was an even further rarity, as it was at the little used door of Alfred’s ground floor west wing apartment and it was a door that very few people outside of the family knew even existed. The door was tucked away in a nook of the manor, through a small garden, well out of the way that people couldn’t stumble across it randomly unless they already knew that it was there. He wasn’t expecting anyone today and it made him curious as to who it could possibly be. His only guess was that it was New Master Bruce needing some assistance, but he would have used the inside entrance rather than the outside one.

Unless he had somehow managed to lock himself out of the manor.

When he opened the door, Alfred froze at the sight of the dark haired man before him. He had not expected this visitor to grace his doorstep with his presence ever again.

“Um. Hi?”

It wasn’t often that Alfred Pennyworth found himself dumbfounded, but seeing the previously-thought-to-be-deceased Dick Grayson standing on his doorstep had solidly positioned him as such. Dick looked a little sheepish, clearly knowing that this was an unorthodox situation at best. It was his ‘caught stealing cookies from the jar’ face. Alfred could recognize that specific look anywhere.

Words were failing him, so instead Alfred spoke with his actions and stepped forward to pull Dick into a hug. Dick immediately gave him a tight squeeze back and any doubt Alfred had about his identity vanished; it was a pure Dick Grayson hug. The eldest boy was alive and home. Alfred couldn’t take his eyes off him after they broke apart. It was nothing short of a miracle and it felt like Alfred had finally let go of a breath that he didn’t realize he was holding.  “You would expect that with the amount of times that someone who has been thought to be dead comes back into my life that I would be used to it, however, I never am.” He stepped aside, smiling, and gestured for the now grinning younger man to join him inside. “I’m extremely shocked but pleased to see you. Please come in.”

Dick entered and closed the door behind himself, kicking off his shoes and removing his jacket at the same time, and hung it up in the closet behind the door. Bruce, as well as Thomas and Martha before him, had always insisted that the rules were different in Alfred’s apartment. This was Alfred’s home, not part of the manor itself, and should be considered as such. Unless it was an actual life or death emergency, you couldn’t walk in without being invited, as Alfred was not at work and that was to be respected.  You were to look after yourself. Titles were not used.  It was the only place that Alfred used only first names with the family. Master Bruce had tried to get Alfred to stop using formal titles in the rest of the manor proper years ago, but Alfred had always insisted on the formality of it. It was a part of his job, and he liked the division of such.  Dick, as well as Jason, had spent quite a bit of time at Alfred’s when they lived at the manor, but it had been a long time since either one of them had stopped by unannounced, however that probably had more to do with Alfred never taking time off than anything else.

“Alfred! You’re missing a hand!”

Looking down at where his hand used to be, Alfred frowned slightly to himself. “I’m aware, but thank you for your concern. The Joker decided that I was no longer in need of it.” Dick looked like he was going to start arguing about it or make a fuss, but Alfred held up his good hand to silence him.  He really wasn’t in the mood for that conversation when there were more pressing issues to discuss. “There is a fresh pot of tea on the counter, if you would like some.” Dick’s eyes flicked back to Alfred’s missing limb, but seemed to decide to drop the matter and made his way into the kitchen. He grabbed a cup and poured himself a drink, and then back into the sitting room and joined Alfred on the sofa. They sat in silence for a few moments, with neither of them really knowing where to start. Dick looked a little nervous like he was expecting to be chastised for his disappearance, which was understandable, but Alfred was just so happy to see him that he couldn’t. Etiquette for such occasions didn’t have a set schedule, so Alfred just decided to plunge in and save Dick from any awkwardness. “I assume that you heard about Bruce. I must infer that he knew of your current living status before all this?”

Dick gave a small nod, and Alfred could see the regret on his face. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come home. I didn’t know until a few days ago. Bruce had me on an undercover mission but dropped out of contact so I came home to see what was going on only to find… amnesia?  Seriously? Soap opera much?” He snorted, because even after all they had been through it did really just sound farfetched. He was clearly just getting started though, and Alfred smiled to see him talking animatedly with his hands. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed that particular quirk. “Jim Gordon is in a robot Batman costume? You are missing a limb?” Dick rolled his eyes in what would have been an overdramatic fashion if the story wasn’t so absurd to start with. “I haven’t been gone long enough for things to really go this sideways, have I? What on earth happened?”

Alfred sipped his tea. “After his last encounter with the Joker, Bruce lost his memories as a side effect of dionysium healing him. And once I realized the full scale of it, I may have purposely neglected to inform him of all the facets of his previous life.”

“So… no Batman.”

“No. He is now simply Bruce Wayne.”

“What about the family?”

“He hasn’t really asked about children, so I have not disclosed much, however I’m certain he has done some investigating on his own so he must be aware of your existence. If he were to Google himself it would pop up; all of you are mentioned on his Wikipedia page. If he asks directly, I’ll tell him. I removed some more compromising pictures from the walls, and hidden some personal items from your bedrooms, but everything is still here. He’s just not looking very hard. I think he suspects that things aren’t exactly as they seem, but for now he’s accepting what he’s being told.”  Alfred knew that he really should have told Bruce more about the youths that he had taken in, but that would have involved telling him about Robin and he just couldn’t find a way to separate them at the time.

His eyes looked conflicted, but Dick nodded slowly. He may not like it but it was a scenario that Alfred knew that Dick could understand the decision he had made at the time. “Lying by omission. Bruce taught you well.”

“Who do you think he learned it from?” Alfred sighed. “The rest of his background overwhelmed him and I just got to a point where I didn’t want to distress him further. Either of us.”

Dick hums softly. “What will you tell him? If he asks?”

“A variation of the truth, I suppose. Jason and yourself are legally deceased, so I don’t think he’ll dig deep there, though he have questions about you being Nightwing since that was public because of the Crime Syndicates actions. I’ll deny any prior knowledge. Tim has been in regular contact with him, but Bruce just thinks he’s a Wayne Enterprises wunderkind, which isn’t exactly a lie. The jump to adopted son won’t be hard, especially under the circumstances of Mr. Drake’s death, and that Tim’s old enough to rationalize him not living here. Tim has said he wouldn’t mind if Bruce wants to develop a relationship if he finds out, but he’s not going to initiate it at this point. He’s letting Bruce settle in a little more.”

“And Damian?”

“I’ll say that he’s with his mother overseas.”

“Where is he really?”

“Travelling extensively, but when he’s in Gotham he has been staying in the penthouse. Goes out on patrol, sometimes with Tim or Jason or various Teen Titans, but primarily he is on his own. He’s doing better than I would have expected with the situation, but he doesn’t want to speak to his father.  I’m just rather glad that he checks in with me daily, at least by text if not a phone call.” Alfred reaches over and pats Dick’s knee gently. “He misses you.”

Instantly Dick’s face clouds over, obviously thinking about how much his absence has been felt by the family.  “I’m so sorry, Alfred.” He places his hand on Alfred’s. “For letting all of you think I was dead. I didn’t want to, but you know how Bruce is…”

“Was.”

“Yeah. But because of that you’ve been going through this alone. I should’ve been here. I could have helped.”

“I’m sure you had good reason.” Dick shrugged and stared intently at his drink, looking a little lost in his own thoughts.

A few moments passed in silence and Alfred saw Dick give himself a little shake to regroup. “How have you been doing, Alfred? This can’t be easy on you. You’re looking after him, but who is looking after you?”

“You needn’t worry about me. I’m doing as well as can be expected. It has been different at the very least. It’s been nice to see Bruce happy and healthy and not coming home bleeding every night for a change. I have a lot less in my portfolio as well.”

“You’re bored.”

“So very bored, Dick,” said Alfred dryly and Dick laughed in response. “I had forgotten what only being a butler was like. Most would find it to be a very tiresome and busy role, but after so many years of doing more and having the house run as a well-oiled machine, I don’t know what to do with myself a lot of the time. I’ve caught up with some old friends, read a great many books, but yes.  I often find myself without much to keep me stimulated.”

“I’m going to get you a kitten.”

“Don’t you dare. It would just be appropriated by Damian in any case.” Alfred paused.  As much as he appreciated Dick asking about him and being concerned, there was much that Alfred still needed to know. How on earth had they found themselves in this situation in the first place? Or was it something that Dick wouldn’t want to talk about, like Alfred and his decision about his hand? “May I ask about the incident with the Crime Syndicate?”

“You know most of it, actually. Captured. Unmasked live on TV. Died.” Alfred raised an eyebrow at Dick’s words, and received a small grimace in return. “I did die, technically, but it was only for a few minutes. Luthor revived me almost immediately.” Dick sucked in a breath. “It really was the only way. Stopping my heart did save everyone. Greater good, you know?  I can’t be too upset about it.”

Alfred reached over and gave the younger man’s shoulder a squeeze. “Oh, Dick, you absolutely can be.”

“I’m more upset about what happened afterwards. About letting everyone think I stayed dead. That was a horrible thing to do.” Dick locks eyes with Alfred. “Bruce and I are terrible people to do that to you.”

Alfred squeezes Dick’s shoulder again and then drops his hand to pick up his tea once more. “I wouldn’t say that at all. I’d say that it is unfortunate that that is what it had to come to. There couldn’t have very many viable options if that was the best that he could come up with.” While Alfred hadn’t always agreed with Bruce’s unilateral decisions that he made as Batman over the years, he had come to realize that sometimes they were necessary, and what was necessary wasn’t always easy. It wasn’t something that either Bruce or Dick would have agreed to lightly. “So where have you been, if not in your grave where I had erroneously assumed you were?”

“Spyral. Bruce suspected that they had intel on a lot of people’s secret identities and needed someone on the inside to find out how much they knew,” Dick shrugged. “My death was at a convenient time for the mission. He took advantage of the opening.”

“You’ve been a spy. That sounds like it could be quite exciting.”

“Sort of the same, actually. Less spandex. More hiding in plain sight. Lots of secrets and techy gizmos. My partner thinks it’s cute that I won’t kill people and that more than once I’ve thrown my gun at someone instead of shooting it.” Dick stretched his arms over his head and Alfred heard his shoulders pop faintly. “If anything, I’m overqualified for the job.”

“That can happen when one is trained since childhood. Was the mission successful?”

“I guess. Not as good as it could have been. I give myself a B minus. I’m not sure that it’s been worth what it cost. I’m done though. It’s over.” Dick looked out the window and there was a ghost of a smile on his face as he looked out onto the grounds. “This isn’t my first time home.”

“No?”

“Before I left, I had a huge fight with Bruce in the Cave about the mission. Massive. Destroyed the place. You almost walked in on us and he had to lock down the entrances to stop you.” Alfred instantly knew the occasion. When he had finally gotten access back to the Cave, it had been a disaster. Bruce was bleeding profusely and a Batmobile was crushed amongst much more damage. He had assumed at the time that Batman had done it all himself in a moment of raging grief but this explanation made much more sense. “I was here before they went to get Damian from Apokolips, too. I had some prime Pennyworth sandwiches that night.”

“So you haven’t seen anyone else?”

“You were my first stop. Only person who saw me on my other visits was Bruce. And Titus was pretty excited to see me. I did work a case that overlapped with something Babs was doing a couple weeks ago, but she didn’t know it was me. Or I don’t think so at least, but I really shouldn’t put it past her.”

Alfred hummed in agreement. If anyone had been able to see through whatever cover Dick was using, it would have been Barbara Gordon. “Are you back in Gotham to stay then?”

Leaning back on the sofa, Dick closed his eyes and smiled and for the first time since he arrived, Alfred got the feeling that Dick was truly relaxed.  It reminded him of soldiers who had come home from a long time away on only just realizing that his mission was over.  It was a look of calm relief. “That’s the plan.  Don’t know what I’ll do though. Nightwing was unmasked and Dick Grayson is dead. Gotham has a Batman. Time to start over again, I guess,” said Dick quietly. He opened his eyes again and locked them with Alfred. “I’m going to have to reveal myself to the family if I’m staying.”

“You may want to consider doing that part regardless. They’d appreciate it.” Dick nodded and looked away. He was still clearly struggling with what faking his death had meant to the family and the potential consequences of such. “If you wish, I think Commissioner Gordon might be relieved if a non-robotic Batman were to appear again. Damian would be pleased if you were to take on the mantle again as well.”  Dick didn’t like being Batman, and Alfred knew that better than almost anyone, but it needed to be said.  The option had to be presented.

“I’ll think about it.” Dick tapped his fingers against his cup a few times. “Do you mind if I stay in the penthouse for a bit? I’m slightly homeless.”

“At this point that’s going to be up to Damian as the primary resident, but I would expect it will be fine with him.”  Dick nodded again and a silence fell between them once more, and Alfred couldn’t help but think of other times that Dick had visited him over the years. Dick always appeared calmer here, in Alfred’s home, than he did other places where he was usually in constant motion. He was more likely to sit at rest and indulge in the quiet instead of in the manor or the penthouse. Alfred had never questioned it, wondering if it would break the spell if Dick became aware of the change in himself. Five minutes passed in silence before Alfred broke it. “Do you want to visit with Bruce? We can disguise you and come up with a reason for you to stop by.”

“I don’t know, Alfred. What is he like?”

That was a very good question.  What was this New Master Bruce like and how best to describe him? It was something that he had tried to do for others already and had struggled with it.  It was a strange position to be in; to reintroduce someone to a person that they had known for years. “He’s very much the same person at the core, but lighter. The weight of the world isn’t pushing him into darkness. The death of his parents doesn’t drive him, but their work does motivate him and he’s doing a lot of charity projects with the Wayne Foundation. He still wants to make Gotham better but is doing it in the light. He’s the person I would like to think that he would have been if they hadn’t been killed. He smiles a lot. He’s seeing a lady that he knew as a teenager who is very kind and openhearted. He’s grown a beard. And not just the usual ‘I’ve been sitting in the Cave for four days and forgot to shave’ scruff. An actual, on purpose, beard.” Dick snorts and Alfred gives him a small smirk in return. “It’s odd. He doesn’t actively remember his former life, but things that he says and does… I can see the person that I raised.”

“Such as?”

“When he first arrived, he didn’t know his history, birthdate or where his room was in the manor, but he knew that he kept his sleep attire in the closet instead of the dresser like most people do. He knew that he took milk, not cream, in his coffee. That he doesn’t like grapefruit without tasting it first. He still prefers blue pens over black pens,” Alfred could feel the smile growing on his face as he continued. “The first morning he came down for breakfast, he called me Al instead of Alfred. It isn’t usual to abbreviate the name of someone you have just met.”

Dick gave a low whistle. “That’s something that I haven’t heard him say in years. Do you think that his memories are still there, just hidden?”

It had been something that Alfred had been considering frequently over the past week. “If you had asked me that a few weeks ago I would have said no however I’m beginning to think otherwise.”

“Does he still eat burgers wrong?” Alfred could still remember the first time Dick had seen Bruce take out a knife and fork to eat a hamburger. He had been absolutely flabbergasted and had just stammered without forming real words for a few moments, before telling Bruce that he was ‘insulting to the good people of Hamburg’, and ‘why on earth would he eat sandwiches normally but then butcher a hamburger with utensils’? Bruce blamed Alfred’s influence, but Alfred had taught him nothing of the sort.

“I’ve yet to test that, though now I think that may be a good addition to my experiment. A control variable.”

Nodding, Dick exhaled slowly. “Ok. I’ll see him. This new and improved Bruce Wayne. I need to see him with my own eyes and know that he’s alright.” Alfred started to stand up but Dick put his arm out to stop him. “Tomorrow.” He raised an eyebrow and Dick pointed at Alfred’s clothes. “No jacket or dress shirt? Slippers? And I saw some dishes just sitting on the counter in the manor kitchen when I was sneaking around the grounds earlier. You are clearly off the clock today. I can tell. I’m an international super spy, you know.” Dick winked and Alfred rolled his eyes in return.

“I believe this is a good example of something that would be considered an exception.”

“Nope. It’s not life or death. I know the rules. I shouldn’t even be here uninvited.”

“I would say that coming back from the dead definitely falls into reasons allowed for a visit.”

“To visit, yes, but to have you go back into full butler mode on your day off? Not a chance. It can wait.”

“Of all the rules you choose to follow…” Sometimes Dick, along with the others, completely exasperated Alfred. Being a vigilante wasn’t an issue, but the line was drawn at potentially disturbing Alfred on his day off to reunite with Bruce? Frustrating, but in a familiar way that warmed Alfred’s heart. “Do you wish to stay the night here?”

“If it’s alright with you. I should probably see Bruce before I see the others or ask Damian about being roomies again. If not, I can go to a hotel.”

“I insist you stay with me tonight then. I have more than enough room for a wayward Robin to roost in when required.”  Alfred stands, picks up his cup and moves towards the kitchen. “Would you like something to eat? I’m feeling rather peckish myself.”

Dick shot up with his own empty cup and started to gather things off the coffee table to follow Alfred. “Let me give you a hand with that.” Wincing slightly, Dick looked a little sheepish. “Damn. Is it too soon for hand jokes?”

Alfred chuckled and waved his handless arm at Dick dismissively. “Not at all. They are quite common now. I actually should show you all the prosthetic designs with weapons attachments that Jason has been working on. He’s been calling them my ‘arm-ory’. I’d give him a round of applause on that pun, but that is a little less effective now than in the past.”

“Nice.” Dick chuckled. “Though I’m a little disappointed that he didn’t find a way to work ‘bat’ into that name.”

“He has one he’s calling the ‘bat-tering ram’. I must admit that it is one of my favourites so far.”

“And the naming legacy lives on. I’m so proud.”

Alfred looks Dick over again and thinks about how much he has changed, not just since his death, but since he was young and had first come to the manor.  The boy has grown up to become a fine man, and it was exceptional to witness. He turned and pulled the young man into another gentle hug. “I’m so happy you are back, Dick. I’ve missed you.”

“Me too, Alfred. Me too.”

[hussainshiyam]

Conversations That Mattered.

Originally Published on the 29th of January 2021

I am extremely bad with remembering names. I do not remember most of the people with whom I went to school. However, I am extremely good at remembering conversations/ debates/ arguments I've had throughout the years that have had an impact in shaping my thought process and ideology. The irony is that I rarely remember the person on the opposing side but their arguments are tattooed to my conscience and subconscious. Let me give you a couple of instances that reiterates what I mean.

The first conversation is one I had with friends from boarding school. I can vividly remember it. It's 1995, I am a student in KPS. The conversation was whether or not India will become a permanent member in the United Nations Security Council with Veto power in the year 2000. If I'm not mistaken, this is a topic of conversation between me and Kamalashankar Dhakad. I'm not sure if the brother remembers this or I am remembering the wrong person. Regardless of whether I am misremembering with whom I had the debate, I still took away a lot from it.

What trips me out and amazes me is how a bunch of kids in their early teens even managed to have a conversation like this. What made it so memorable was that we had no evidence to present that backed up any of our views. It was a back and forth based purely on intuition.

When I look back at those conversations, the things that stick to my head are how pure we were in the point of we had, how passionate we were, and how hopeful, confident, and sure we were that the side we represented will be proven right. These conversations never led to destroyed friendships nor did it trigger a violent response.

Yet, the most important thing I will always remember and will always be grateful for is that regardless of who I was having this conversation with, never once did anyone say to me, “of course you would say that because you are a Muslim.” and it never occurred to me to say “of course you will say that because you are a Hindu and an Indian citizen”. In the times we live in, that conversation isn’t one that can take place in the ways we did. The fact that my friends on the other side of the conversations never once questioned me being a Muslim as the reason why I would think the way I do. Never once did they think or believe that I meant harm to India because of the points I was making.

Could you imagine that topic ever being discussed publicly nowadays without the audience judging the opposition’s sincerity, honesty and patriotism.

In these times where there is a litany of important issues that are existential to the survival of the human race that needs to be openly and honestly discussed and debated, we are too busy attacking the character and beliefs of the people who are attempting to have the conversations.

What is more sinister and incendiary is that the people who are having these conversations are put through a test to determine whether they are “qualified”. And the criteria set to determine the qualification are near impossible to meet.

Like the time I had a critique of the actions of some Muslims, I had a friend call me an infidel. I couldn’t believe it. So, the next day I text the dude, “yo, did you just call me an infidel?” His response was hypocrisy personified. He replied, “So sorry, bro. I was really drunk last night”. Or the time I criticized Modi’s policies, I got a forceful rebuke from a friend which were ad hominem attacks that basically said,” you are a Muslim therefore you do net get to criticize a Hindu prime minister” and the other being “you are rich. You can never understand what it means to be poor”. As though empathy is exclusive to only those who share the same condition, the same predicament, and the same existence.

For those and many more other reasons, the friends I made in boarding school will be my friends for life. I can’t thank them enough for allowing me to have and participate in the conversations we had without attributing nefarious intent to my point of view. We had open discussions on topics we were ill equipped to have. Yet, we had them and we had a good time doing that.

I am damn sure even now I could have the same conversations with the friends from KPS. The only things that would be different are that we are older, wiser, and better prepared.

The second instance of a conversation that left an indelible mark in my psyche is one I had in 1999 with Athif and another friend of his from Sudan about Tupac Shakur and what made him the GOAT. Even before I witnessed and participated in this conversation. I was a fan of Tupac. I remember being crushed when Pac died and the reason was that with his death meant that we won’t be getting any new music from him. Later on, we learned that Pac had recorded 1000’s of songs in anticipation of his untimely death. He was correct in that assumption.

Where my fandom for Tupac came solely through his music, the conversation I was privy to participate between Athif and his friend who were living in the United States told of what made Tupac the GOAT but also what his demise meant to the black people of America. I was unaware that he was a very talented actor whose first film role as Bishop in Juice was won after an audition without a single song of his has been released yet. The producers had no clue he was a rapper, and they freely admit that had they known Pac was a rapper they would’ve asked him for a song to be put on the soundtrack as all rappers do when they are cast in a movie. The genuine admiration, love, and support they had for Tupac got me so curious that I researched who Pac was independent of music. And, what I found about his short 24 years of life and what he accomplished during that time turned me from a fan of his music to a fan of the man.

His parents were Black Panthers. His mother Afeni Shakur, while being pregnant with Tupac, represented herself in court against attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder, conspiracy to bomb buildings and conspiracy. She had to win the case because had she lost, she was looking at a 300 year sentence. And win, she did. That is part of the DNA he comes from and the traditions he had to uphold. His passion for his people, his intelligence, and point of view far exceeding someone who is 24 years old. His incredible foresight, and his courage were a delight to find out. It all made sense to me and his life fascinated me. My curiosity reached its zenith when I read somewhere that the loss of Tupac Shakur had a profound effect on the community that he represented that is comparable to the losses of Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X. As I kept reading more and more that sentiment was perfectly understandable.

All this wouldn’t have happened had I not been privy to a conversation between Athif and his friend.

When I met Athif in December 2019 in Malaysia, I told him about it. He was surprised that such a simple conversation has had a huge impact on me. Throughout the night he kept saying, “I can’t believe you remember that”. I did remember and that conversation affected me deeply and I can’t thank the 2 brothers enough.

“It is never the things that we expect to impact us that do. It is often the mundane conversations that acts as the catalyst which leads us to what we have been searching for all along ” Hussain Shiyam, 2021