#I will never fail to understand my parents logic

[raeathnos]

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[lurkingshan]

Unknown Episode 6

Well, we wanted them to bring the pain, and my god did they do it. If you had any remaining doubt that this show knows exactly what it's doing with this story, this episode surely put it to rest. There were so many excellent scenes this week, and not all of them are strictly from the source material. I'm going to walk through the episode by favorite moments, because there is so much worthy of discussion here.

That first scene between Qian and Yuan, when Qian put his hand on Yuan's face and expressed his worry, was original to the show, and it got me right in the heart. It is exhausting to love someone you know won't love you back in the same way, and Yuan has been crumbling under the burden of trying to restrain his feelings while staying close to Qian. That Qian is both the source of his comfort and his agony makes it all so much harder, and Qian's blinders to Yuan's feelings means he is constantly making it worse for Yuan without meaning to.

I also loved the whole sequence at the H.O.T. party, from Yuan arriving sad and sick and vulnerable only to see Feng Ning getting cozy with his brother, to Qian knowing instantly that something was wrong with Yuan and becoming distracted, to Qian and Feng Ning's chat clearing up their relationship and the show allowing her to be awesome and not at all villainous about it, to Qian following Yuan into the backroom for the confrontation. It was a short sequence but it all built masterfully to the moment we've been waiting for since episode 1.

And what a scene that was. I loved that it began with Qian trying to care for Yuan like he always does. He is at a work event but he cannot focus on anything else until he knows Yuan is okay. But Yuan has hit his limit while his guard was down, and it all finally comes spilling out in the worst way possible. The emotions of this scene were perfect--Qian was truly shocked, deeply upset, and importantly, betrayed by Yuan crossing this boundary and imploding their relationship. And Yuan is also feeling upset and betrayed, because he has always counted on Qian to accept him no matter what, and in this moment, Qian failed him by rejecting him in a way he never has before. They are both clearly devastated to have this relationship ruined because for both of them, it is the most important one in their lives.

It's not surprising that Qian goes into full avoidance mode in the aftermath; he has no idea how to navigate his conflicting instincts. He doesn't want to reject Yuan and in fact it hurts him deeply to do so, but he can't accept him either. He's too shell shocked and angry to return to caretaking, but the guilt is clearly eating at him. So he hides, and finds a way to keep avoiding it by sending Yuan away. And this led to two more fantastic scenes, because this show cares about all its characters and the entire family unit, not just the two leads.

First, San Pang and Yuan. I love that despite making many mistakes and ultimately accelerating the implosion between the brothers, San Pang is not intentionally being malicious here. He is genuinely trying to help because he loves both Qian and Yuan, he doesn't want Qian to be hurt by Yuan's feelings, and he is clearly hoping Yuan can move on from it if he intervenes. Yuan knows this too, which is why he does not hate him despite his interference, and why he feels comfortable pushing San Pang to explain why his love for Qian is such a bad thing. I love that the show went here, and that San Pang couldn't come up with a logical reason why it's wrong. It just feels wrong to him, and isn't that the case with so much cultural taboo?

Second, I love this show so much for not forgetting Lili in all of this. Her increasing anxiety and fear at seeing her brothers' relationship fall apart without understanding why was so heartbreaking. This is her family, and she has had her own very rough childhood and survived parental abandonment too, and suddenly everything is blowing up and no one will explain it to her. Yuan clearly doesn't want to leave her anymore than he does Qian, but at this point he's not being left with much choice. And Qian is not in a headspace to offer her any explanation or comfort. I'm glad her pain was not overlooked.

The way this episode ended, with Yuan setting off for a lonely stint abroad, and Qian not even giving him a proper goodbye, was the final touch of heartbreak. Qian loves his brother so much, and I think he'll regret sending him away so coldly when he is finally able to process what happened here--he may already be starting to regret it, judging by the forlorn look on his face as he leaned in his doorway recalling their memories together. I was glad that at least he left Yuan a token to take with him; he can't face him right now, but he does care. Some time apart will likely do them some good, but in the meantime there will be a lot of loneliness in both their lives. This show hurts so good.

[furiousgoldfish]

I had a conversation the other day, with a person who seemed to have some respect for me, but couldn't understand why I'm still having trauma symptoms, and can't be normal already. I took it as a chance to try and explain my symptoms, but it seemed to fall on deaf ears;  I was told I just needed to tell myself that 'I am a new person now', and forget about the past. The person then explained to me how they weren't always the same person either, and they would sometimes cringe at their behaviour in the past, but then they would be proud of themselves for being smarter and more reasonable today. I couldn't quite explain to them that my situation was not the same.

They gave me various suggestions like 'just don't think about these things anymore', and 'these people are not going to hurt you anymore', which I strongly doubted was true. I tried to explain that I am not purposefully thinking about it; in fact, I was doing everything to avoid it. But with intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and the symptoms of the dissociative disorder, I had no control over it, the past was at my throat, holding me and unwilling to let go. I could tell that they still believed I was doing it on purpose, holding on and refusing to stop living in the past.

I very rarely get a chance to talk to someone about anything trauma related, so I was originally grateful that anyone was even showing an interest at 'attempting to help me', but later when I thought about the entire thing, I got pissed off.

Firstly it doesn't make any sense for me to be 'normal', in any timeline, regardless of how much time has passed. You can't have a person living first few decades of their life in belief that their life is worthless, in environment where they're getting locked up, beaten, humiliated, tortured, threatened with death, brainwashed to believe they're not human, severely neglected, and without any kind of genuine caretaker or a parent. And then leave it to this person to 'deal with it alone', never getting any help, never even getting reassured that what happened to them was wrong. That is complete abandonment by human society, and I find it sick and twisted that this person should be expected to adhere and integrate into society afterwards, for what? This person will logically feel betrayed, untrusting, bitter, feral and unnacepting the society's standards, especially their standards for victim blaming and ignoring abuse. Society continually fails these people expects them to 'fix themselves' so nobody would feel uncomfortable about it.

Secondly why is it up to me to change as a person? I am not like this because 'I was not a good enough person', I am not the one who needs changing. I am good as I am. It's worse that after being failed in every aspect, I am now being seen as the one in 'the need of change', for not acting normal and being haunted by my past. I am not hurting anybody! I am the only one suffering from this. God forbid my reality leaves someone uncomfortable, I better try to hide it better. Which I actually do unless sometimes is actively asking me about it.

And the last bit of my anger is about making it seem like the actual problem is 'me holding onto the past', and not my life being severely different and harmful in a way that isolates me from other people. I don't have the same formative experiences other people had. I don't remember being cooed at and hugged, I don't have endless experiences of being taught that I'm important, that someone will care and intervene when I'm in pain, that the figures of mother and father are safe, warm, comforting and reliable. That childhoods are a positive and fun part of life. That families work as an environment for children to be raised on. I don't have the experiences that formed all other beliefs that this culture holds, I hold nothing sacred that is sacred to everyone else, I don't believe in the authorities, I don't believe in family, I don't rejoice with holidays, I don't want children, I don't trust religion, I feel contempt towards capitalism, I don't relate or connect to people who are receptive to any of it.

And it turns out I'm right to feel as I do. Because people in this society will actively come to me asking me to 'stop being like that', while never asking any abuser to 'stop being like that'. Victims who make them uncomfortable can be spoken down to, should be told to stop being traumatized, even in private, while the abusers just need to be 'ignored' and 'hopefully they stop doing it'. What a great plan. Surely it will fix everything.

Humane thing to do would be to approach me with awareness that I've been treated like a worthless creature and address it and allow me to act genuine about it. If I'm still feeling betrayed, abandoned and outcast from society, I should be able to express that. I deserve to react with genuine responses rather than this insane preformance art I have to do every single day to make sure nobody else is aware or uncomfortable by my peril.

[coffincestuous]

i’ve seen some people say that ashley is kind of an extreme portrayal of mental illness(es), but, from my own experience…. she’s actually a very real portrayal. all of her possessiveness, her mood swings, her dependency on andrew, her choice to not think too long about super traumatizing shit, her impulsiveness; all of those are very normal, very accurate ways mental illnesses and other disorders manifest

(andrew also shows Many signs of mental illness(es) and disorders, and so does their mom, but that’s not what this post is about!!)

i’m not going to try to diagnose her or anything, and i’ll try to keep my headcanons to myself, but i believe we can all tell that the way she thinks and acts is not exactly healthy for her or the people around her. she’s harmful to herself, andrew, and a lot of others. there’s genuinely So Much that has influenced the way she is, i kind of don’t even know where to start

she wasn’t “born evil,” like her mom says. she isn’t even “evil,” she just… doesn’t really understand. that’s not a bad thing!! she doesn’t understand what’s wrong with her behavior, because no adult ever taught her. no adult ever cared enough to make sure she learned how to treat people nicely. no adult ever paid attention to her harmful behavior and tried to correct it. we see that ashley has been kind of an asshole from a very early age, and she’s always been pretty blunt with her thoughts and feelings. she hasn’t ever felt the need to sugar-coat things, to spare other’s feelings. aside from andrew, nobody has ever been genuinely nice to her, or spared her feelings, so why should she bother?

similarly, she doesn’t lie too often, unlike andrew. she doesn’t like pretending, especially not with him. she says in game, during dinner with their parents, that she can’t “keep up” with andrew’s lies. we only really see her lie of her own accord once, and she doesn’t donit very convincingly.

she doesn’t really care about anything that doesn’t concern her or andrew, which is like. The Most logical path for her feelings to take. andrew is the only person that she’s ever known who cares about her. he’s been by her side for her entire life. her parents, her neighbors, and her friends have done wrong by her, and have been driven away by her… Her. except for andrew. (we’re ignoring the chapter two decay route for this). he’s been there through everything. he’s cared when no one else has. he’s seen her at her worst and her best moments. again, no adult taught her about caring, or pretending to care. she doesn’t feel the need to mask like andrew does, and she doesn’t have a want to “fit in” to a society that has failed her and her brother. she’s been treated as an outsider for her whole life, so she probably believes she’ll never “fit in,” she’ll never be accepted, and she doesn’t need to fit in or be accepted by them.

she greatly values loyalty in her friends. we see her act this way with andrew, with nina, and with julia. she sees people chosing others over her as a betrayal. other than andrew, no one has ever chosen ashley first. that upsets her!! that would upset anyone, but it especially upsets her because no one has ever chosen her first. her parents gave andrew all of their attention, but not her. her two friends have betrayed their friendship and put andrew above her. in game, she says it herself: she should be the top priority. with every encounter, every back-and-forth, every relationship, every decision, she’s waiting to be pushed aside. she’s waiting to be discarded. with andrew, she’ll do anything in her power to make sure he doesn’t leave her, either.

i think that it’s really interesting that she really is her worst self with andrew. she’s mean, she’s violent, she’s petty and crass and acts very childish, but she generally feels safe with him. she feels comfortable with him, and doesn’t feel the need to hold herself back at all. there’s security to be found in a relationship (of any kind) that you can say terrible things and act in horrible ways and that person stays by your side. that’s a huge part what she has with andrew. she trusts him to stay by her side, despite how awfully she may act. she places a Lot of importance on his presence in her life.

even the murder and cannibalism can be attributed to mental illness (along with The Plot). the intense mood swings that she has go along with her already violent tendencies. she feels anger, frustration, annoyance, and a whole bunch of other really negative emotions that she’s never learned to cope with. a lot of people in real life use violence as an outlet for anger. plus, she doesn’t allow herself feel upset or disgusted by death, even at her own hands (if she even feels it at all). despite that, i believe that murdering her parents had to be So cathartic for her and andrew. ashley explains in the decay route why eating people makes her feel powerful and in control, and being in control is something she very obviously feels that she lacks. she’s seen as manipulative, but she doesn’t really succeed at her manipulation. she’s understandably insecure with her entire existence, so she tries to control whoever and whatever she can, and that extends to andrew, murder, as well as cooking and eating people

there’s a lot to life that is treated as “normal” and “universal,” but everyone starts with absolutely no knowledge. experiences build a person’s worldview and shapes their personality, and ashley has had very rough experiences. she is a product of abuse and neglect and mistreatment, and is a very realistic depiction of a person who has had the experiences she’s had. the game has a pretty light tone despite the content, but it being “pretty light” doesn’t take away from the amount of detail that is put into the main characters and the trauma that they’ve suffered

ashley doesn’t have to be “good” or “positive” representation to be accurate representation, and i feel like nemlei has done a fucking excellent job at making a very, very unwell person (or two or three) in a very, very unwell society, and i am so extremely excited to see more of the graves’ childhood in chapter three

[yumimak]

Fourth Times the Charm - Prolouge

Hey guys! So I had this idea for an angsty Neteyam story that was a mix of like ‘one sided’ enemies to lovers but also grumpy/sunshine without making Neteyam a total butthole. I think this prologue gives a good idea of how I am going to do that, I really hope you enjoy!

Please read the A/N at the end if you are intrested!!

Neteyam

Finding a mate was something most Na’vi looked forward to. Traditionally, it was the first step that was taken after passing the rites of passage. That special bond was desired and sought out by almost everybody.

I, for one, was never really one of these people.

I was one of the youngest people to pass their Iknimaya and was the youngest to become a warrior in our clan. My father was Olo’eyktan and some day I would be too.

Knowing this, the idea of finding a mate never really interested me past the age of 10. From a young age I’ve been very aware of the possible threats posed against our clan. So from that age I decided that I would put all my energy towards being the best warrior and future leader I could be.

I believe it was a good choice on my part. After all those years I’d become the esteemed warrior I’d always wanted to be. Through it all my clan stayed safe and I’ve always had my family by my side.

What more could I ever want or need? What more fulfillment would a woman give that I had not given myself?

Sadly, my logic did not align with the tradition of being a future leader. Because where there was an Olo’eyktan there would always be a Tsahik. So although I was okay with not finding a mate, the lack of having a future Tsahik was starting to concern much of the clan, especially my parents.

My mother and my father had one of the best love stories I have ever heard in my life. They knew how great the right bond could be and it was evident they wanted me to find my mate so I could be as happy as they are. They saw how hard I worked to be the warrior I am today, there was no doubting my skills or capability of being Olo’eyktan someday. So now all they wanted was for me to settle down and find my Tsahik.

They never forced me though, only making a few comments here and there. They tried to be understanding, telling themselves I was just taking my own path and would eventually find a woman in the clan that I’d want to be with. But on the other hand, it was traditional to be mated by the age of 21 so when I had yet to show interest in finding a mate of my own at 18, they began arranging women for me to court. 

I know that it was their last resort, they had never really liked the idea of forcing mates together since they knew first hand how powerful a bond was when you truly loved the other. I think that’s why they never forced me to actually bond with any of the women permanently. I think the plan was to encourage the idea of how great having a mate could be.

Their plan failed.

In one year I went through three arranged courtships, each possible mate worse than the one before.

There was Tallulah, Lì'ee, and Aìyana.

Tallulah was picked from our clan and our courtship lasted a mere three weeks. She was a year younger than me but I had known her my entire life seeing as she was a good friend of Kiri’s. She was intelligent, beautiful, and a talented forager. They were great traits for a Tsahik to have which is why I think my parents picked her. Although I admired her for all of those things, I could not for the life of me see her as more than my little sister’s friend.

Luckily Tallulah didn’t take me ending the courtship too roughly. She understood and simply hoped the two of us could still stay cordial. There were no hard feelings; her and Kiri remained friends, and Tallulah and I never had any animosity towards each other.

I wish I could say the next two ended the same.

Lì'ee was a young woman from a nearby clan in the forest. She was the oldest child of the Olo’eyktan, and although whoever she mated with would become the next Olo’eyktan, she couldn’t seem to find a mate.

That should have been an instant red flag to my parents.

Lì'ee and I’s courtship lasted three months and it started off great. She was very sweet and caring, raised to be an amazing Tsahik. I could see myself building a future with her, until we hit the three month mark. By then I began to understand why nobody had wanted to court her.

She was atrociously needy and practically demanded all my attention. It didn’t matter if I was with my family or friends, or even out on a hunt. If I was not by her side 24/7 I would come back to her upset or even crying. I had tried to comply with her needs, reducing my personal and even family time to be with her, but it was never enough.

On top of all of that she had absolutely no backbone. Yes, she was sweet as could be and it was lovely, but that was all she was. She couldn’t stand up for herself at all whether in a social setting or out in the wild. I swear Tuk was mentally stronger than Lì'ee even at her young age.

Yet, I put up with all of these flaws hoping one day I would get used to it or she would grow the fuck up. That never happened, and somehow it got worse.

I was never intimate with Lì'ee. Maybe a kiss on the cheek or the back of the hand but that was all. It never felt right to do anything more with her but she could not respect that. She constantly begged for more, to be intimate even when I stated I had not wanted to be. My last straw was when I overheard her speaking to a group of girls about our ‘amazing sex life’ that never was.

I never desired to be rude to the girl at any point, and I in no way wanted to ruin her pure reputation by telling her lies. So I kept her actions a secret from all, even my parents asked why I ended our courtship. To them I was just being picky.

Lastly, and worst of all, there was Aìyana.

When choosing my next possible mate they decided to look further than our clan and other forest clans all together. Aìyana was the daughter of Öyatx, an Olo’eyktan of one of the Ash clans.

The ash people were located high in the mountains where the forest ended far from the Omaticaya. They were mighty, composed of the strongest warriors of Pandora. An impenetrable force for any enemy who even thought of going against them.

Though they were so strong, they were also some of the most peaceful Na’vi to walk our land. They never exerted their strength unless absolutely necessary. When I met Aìyana it had been decades since their clan had seen a war.

My parents knew this which is why I think they were so quick to introduce us and begin our courtship, because if we mated our clan would be forever connected to the ash people. I would find my mate and the clan would have the fiercest warriors of Pandora backing us. 

What could go wrong?

Me not liking her.. that’s what I thought could go wrong. There was no way I could reject the daughter of Öyatx without there being major consequences for our people.

Luckily, not liking her was nearly impossible.

I was star-struck the moment Aìyana stepped foot in our clan. Yes, all the women before were beautiful, but nothing compared to her beauty. Her skin was dark blue, closer to a shade of gray than the more vibrant blue I was used to seeing. Her hair, long and soft, was pure white complimenting her glowing freckles beautifully. And then there were her eyes, a shade deep red that I thought I could never get tired of gazing into.

Her physical beauty only scratched the surface of the many layers of Aìyana. We instantly connected in our first conversation. She was oh so funny, with a beautiful smile that could brighten even the gloomiest of days.

She was the first woman I genuinely desired a courtship with.

As time progressed I never lost feelings for her, they only seemed to grow far past the capacity I believed feelings for people could grow. She was the strong warrior I expected her to be considering where she was from, but she was also so sweet and caring. She knew how to be soft and open up about her emotions, but she also knew how to listen when you spoke. She was one of the most understanding people I thought I could ever meet.

I never opened up about my emotions, as I grew up I only ever felt that it was a burden for whoever I decided to tell. But with Aìyana, it was different. She’d insist on me opening up to her when I was obviously obsessed, ensuring I knew I didn’t have to but also promising it was okay for me to open up to her.

I was so nervous the first time I opened up to her, fidgeting with my hands until she took it upon herself to hold them.  Talking to her was like nothing I had ever felt before. She didn’t make fun when I spoke of my hurts, nor did she laugh when a few tears embarrassingly fell from my eyes. It was so relieving that I almost didn’t know what to do with that empty space where my burdens would normally sit. But when she held me that night, I decided to devote that space to her. 

She was the first person I felt truly saw me, the first person I was ever truly intimate with, and the only person I wanted by my side for the rest of my life. I was totally and irrevocably in love with her.

We courted for six months before we decided we wanted to finally mate with one another. It was traditional in arranged courtships for the soon-to-be mated pair to visit the others clan for a celebration of the clans union before having another celebration in the clan they planned on residing in.

In respect of this tradition, Aìyana, my parents, and I all flew to her clan up in the mountains. It was dark there but very beautiful. Aìyana was quick to show me around and introduce me to all her friends. I was nervous that they would not like me, but they were inviting and I felt as if I fit right in.

A certain part of me was anxious that something would go wrong, but I knew that it was just my nature and that after six months with Aìyana nothing could go wrong.

And nothing did for the first few days, but looking back, I wish I had listened to my gut because things can always go wrong.

- Two years ago -

The night here is so much different than at home. There are much less trees and far more caves up here, it would be much harder to navigate if it wasn’t for the white glow of the moon right now.

Today Aìyana and I did not spend as much time together as usual. It was more of a quality time day for her to be with her family and friends alone before our celebration tomorrow night. 

I spent the day with my family, which was fun, but now since night had fallen I was on my way to Aìyana’s hut where we planned on meeting.

When I arrive though she isn’t there. I brushed it off though, I was early and she hasn’t seen her friends in six months, she wasn’t obliged to rush back to me when after tomorrow she’d be leaving her home to officially become Omaticaya.

Uncomfortable with staying in her hut while she wasn’t there, I decided to take a little walk. Maybe she’d be home by the time I got back. 

My walk is peaceful, by this time most have retired to their huts for the night. I venture into a small bout of trees similar to the forest, exploring more of this foreign area when a laugh catches my attention. It’s a beautiful harmony that I recognize as none other than my Aìyana’s.

I smile, glad to hear she is enjoying her time with her friends, before deciding to continue my walk in the opposing direction. As I turn through another woman's voice stops me in my tracks. “He cried?” she laughs.

“Like a little baby,” Aìyana responds.

My heart sinks, she couldn’t possibly be talking about me.

Another woman speaks next, “So much for mating with a ‘mighty warrior.’ Who would’ve thought Toruk Makto’s son was so soft.”

“Why are you even staying with him?” another asks.

“Well, it would benefit both of our clans. And my dad plans on mating me with someone else anyway, so why not just get it over with instead of wasting a bunch of time picking suitors.”

“Okay but you’ve got to tell us.. how’s he in bed?”

Aìyana sighs deeply, “Amazing in theory, sometimes I’m just not mentally there, it’s whatever. Anyways, speaking of ‘being in bed’ I’ve got to be somewhere before a certain someone comes crying at my doorstep.”

The group laughs bidding Aìyana goodbye, but I can’t help the pang of hurt that I feel in my chest. Especially when one of the girls yells after her, ‘Tell Tavo we said hi!!!’

My heart sinks impossibly deeper in my chest, who the hell was Tavo?

I decided to extend my walk, trying to convince myself that I was making all of this up. But how could I when I’d heard it all with my own two ears.

After prolonging my return to Aìyana’s tent, I decide to finally make my way back. I needed to speak to her about what I had heard. Despite it breaking my heart, another completely delusional part of me believed that we could work past this.

As I arrive at her tent all hope drains from my body though. The sounds from inside the tent burn their way into my ears. The mix of moans between the woman I love and a man that was not me fills me with dread, betrayal, and anger.

A part of me wanted to barge in, embarrass the two and unleash my anger in a way suitable for the Toruk Makto’s son. In a way that would prove to her that I was way too mighty to just sit back and take this.

But the reasonable part of me tells me it’s not worth it. It tells me that although I love her to the moon and back, the extent of her love hardly reached the forest.

-  Present -

That night I went straight to my family hut, holding back the tears that threatened to pour from my eyes as I told my family we were leaving. My parents attempted to argue it but I was persistent so, despite their wishes, we left.

I spent the entirety of the next week sulking alone in my hut. Seeing as nobody had a clue as to why I ended things with Aìyana, everyone was concerned. I just wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.

But when Aìyana’s father became infuriated with my impulsive decision to leave and not mate with his daughter, the threat of war knocked at our clan's door. I could tell my father blamed me for this, he was mad that I had ended things and even more upset that I wouldn’t tell anyone why.

That next week Kiri came to my hut in the night. She’d brought me dinner and sat with me as I ate. She didn’t try to force me to speak or anything, she just wanted to know that was okay and that meant the world to me.

That night when she left she gave me a big hug, my first hug since Aìyana. I did the one thing I’d been trying to do at that moment, I broke down like the crybaby I am. 

It was humiliating, crying in my little sister's embrace, but I knew that if I could trust anyone it would be my dearest sister Kiri. So when she pulled away and asked me to talk to her, I did. I told her every event of that wretched night, leaving her stunned and angry.

Before leaving that night Kiri promised she wouldn’t tell a soul of what happened. She did ask me to at least tell our father that Aìyana was unfaithful, she promised he would understand.

Trusting Kiri, I told my dad that I had overheard Aìyana’s betrayal and that’s why I had decided to leave her. To my surprise my father more than understood, he was infuriated. I asked my father not to expose her though because although she had hurt me, I still felt a deep love for the woman.

He agreed but still with two furious Olo’eyktan’s butting heads, war was inevitable.

The almost two year fight was rough and draining for the clan, but when it did finally end, the Omaticaya came out on top.

Grieving my love for Aìyana was rough, but throughout the first year of the war I learned not to crave her, I learned to be alone again, and I had come to love it once more.

By the end of the war I was completely over the woman and what she’d done to me. I was myself again, strong and mighty all around. In pure spite, I gave up on keeping what Aìyana did a secret. 

With the humiliation of a cheating daughter, and having a war that could have been completely avoided if it wasn’t for her. The ash clan, that I am proud to have no more connections with, surrendered.

Now it had been a little over two years since the war had begun, and six months since it had ended.

Everything had been back to normal these past six months and I couldn’t have been happier.

Well, until today when I was told of my fourth arranged courtship.

I thought that I was past this shit, and that Aìyana was the perfect example that nothing good would come from this and that I was better off by myself.

That didn’t matter though because in one week I will be thrown down the rabbit hole again, but luckily this time I know what to expect. And I’d be damned before I got hurt all over again.

- - -

A/N:

Hi guys!! Okay so the reader will be intorduced in the next part! I really hope you are enjoying my story idea so far, I've been absolutly obsessing over the plot in my head. I really wanted to write more angst than my other story Anomaly (which I am still working on promise!) To all my current Anomaly readers, I have tagged you from my taglist from that story here so that you would know about the new story, but if you aren't intrested in being tagged on this one just tell me. :)) Okay okay, it's like three am, i'm going to sleep now. Much love to you all!!- Mak

Taglist:

@cleverzonkwombatsludge @peachycrime @jackiehollanderr @fanboyluvr @killua2dot0 @neteyamsbabymomma @lovedbychoi @aihimitsu @ken-zah @ghostmadeofglass @alfie2401 @awow-2

[ashdreams2023]

absolutely loved ur work in this fic of yours, so going off of those hcs for that may i request snape finding his sibling(gn!reader) basically close to death on the floor of their classroom. Snape becomes a overprotective older brother and wouldnt leave their side he kept asking reader if they were okay but what reader wanted to know if their students were okay.

Big brother

Severus knew something was wrong the second he saw students screaming and running towards the hospital wing.

But what confirmed it was when hermione slammed against him and started waving her hands in panic repeating your name and the word curse.

"In the classroom sir please!" He didn’t even let her finish, he knew where your class was and needed to get there as fast as possible.

He arrived there in time for the last student to run out and find you twitching on the ground with your hand clenched on your wand.

You were biting on your tongue which prevented you from screaming and it took everything for severus not to fall to his knees and instead use the logic in this situation and try to understand what is causing you this.

Time wasn’t on his side so he needed to be fast, fortunately for him though he saw the weird flicker from your wand and decided that there was something off about it.

He pointed his own black wand to your wrist, a small hex to make your grip loosen and drop that thing.

It worked, you screamed immediately and let it roll off your palm, your body slumped to the ground and your breathed heavy.

Severus kicked the wand away and charmed it to stay glued to the same place, far away. He went down to his knees and lifted your head.

You blinked groaning "fuck…that was..bloody painful"

Severus sighed and lifted his wand over you and scans your entire body for any permanent damage, there was nothing manger but your nerves were still on high alert.

"What happened?! Who did this to you?" He asked.

You tried lifting your head up but failed, so you opted to just letting your head lay on your big brother’s lap, it was kinda like when you would get sick and your parents would be too worked up in their own problems to notice and he just took care of you.

"The kids…where are they? Are they hurt?!"

"They are fine but you-"

"I’m gonna be ok but the kids they were here, when the man wand started acting on it’s own, they were scared…severus is anybody injured?! Answer me please" severus wondered where you ever learned to care so much.

"They are fine, and if anyone is hurt they are getting treated in the hospital wing"

You sighed "well I guess that’s the last straw ha?" You tried to grin but it only made your headache worse.

"I’m gonna kill you myself if you ever try doing something as insane as taking this miserable job again"

"You want this position too though, don’t you?"

Severus shook his head "that’s not my point, my point is that I’m your big brother and you should listen to me when I say something is dangerous, my blood ran cold coming here, I thought I was gonna lose you!"

When did severus become so protective? Probably since forever but you were too young to understand, too young to know that ever he did was to keep you safe, from your dad’s drunk tantrums and bullies, not letting you out alone and teaching you how to protect yourself with and without magic.

"Severus?"

"What?"

"You’re a good big brother" you smiled then closed your eyes, severus was definitely giving you one of his shocked/pissed looks but that was just how he is, he never knew how to take affection in the normal way.

"And you’re a pain in the ass" you snorted feeling his hand brush the hair of your face, just like he did once you were just a baby, reminding you that everything will be ok because your big brother is right here.

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveblog - Dofus, livre 1 : Julith [PART 18]

Me whenever Khan ogles Bakara: boooring.

Me 5 seconds later ogling Atcham the same exact way: oguhuhhggghuhhq

They only just met, and are already a perfect team. :)

I like to think that Joris has always wanted to hear the other side of the story, be it from Atcham, Lou, or Indie. This isn't the best time to ask, but he might not get another chance...

I also guess that Atcham's deep hatred for Kerubim bewitches Joris as much as Joris's love for Kerubim bewitches Atcham.

Out of all the possible answers, — from the implied bullying, to being abandoned and called a psychopath by Kerubim, — the answer that Atcham gives is so fascinating.

Because he's pretty much acknowledging, that he hates him because he feels inferior. He's always been mistreated because he's the opposite of Kerubim. He's not handsome, or lucky, or good with people, so he's suffered, — and Kerubim is everything he wishes he could be. Even if it's not Kerubim's fault that he suffered, he hates Kerubim the very most because he's a walking-talking reminder of how life could have been.

Joris is even a bit taken aback by this. I bet he expected something deeper.

And it is deep, don't get me wrong. But it's not "when we were kids, he never helped me, when others did me harm." or "he had always looked down at me."

It's literally just "other people dislike me, and not him, even though he had the exact same shitty life as me. The only reason he lives better than me is that he is prettier and luckier. I want to punish him for that. Because it's easier, than hating a god, or the kids from the temple, or anyone else. It's easier because he's nearby, and I know him the best out of all of them."

They are two sides of the same coin. Both of them are orphans. Both of them hate their own bodies. And both of them could probably talk for hours upon hours on what Kerubim makes them feel.

Except Joris feels lucky to have had Kerubim, indebted even, — while Atcham is the opposite, feeling like Kerubim, simply by existing, took everything from him.

Joris appeals to their solidarity in his attempts to defend Kerubim's Honour: while it sure sucks, Atcham's struggle with being hated and degraded by people is neither special nor unique.

Note: I understand it might be somewhat controversial to say this, but I do think that both Joris and Atcham are disabled, or at least discriminated against.

Atcham is referred to as disabled in one of the canonical sources, even if it is a joke. Logically speaking, even without any canon sources, within the universe's context his lack of fur is undoubtedly a disability.

Joris, in the context of the real world, would definitely be a person with dwarfism, which, just like Atcham's lack of fur, canonically impacts his social life, with the way he is often not taken seriously by other people.

So, their solidarity is very cute to me.

Besides that, he appeals for Atcham to understand that his negative experiences with Kerubim aren't universal.

Or maybe, he appeals to whatever positive memories Atcham still he has of him.

And I am pretty sure Atcham knows what Joris is doing. And it's working.

Joris really dislikes how shallow Atcham's dislike for Kerubim is, when Kerubim has done nothing but support and love him, because of how different he is from others.

But for Joris to feel so passionately defensive, — like Kerubim has done him a service by treating him well, — we can understand that Kerubim's "I want my son to love himself as he is" parenting didn't work that well.

You can't really parent your way out of your son noticing he's short, bald, and weird compared to other people. And at some point, saying "you're special" probably just feels insulting, or, more likely in Joris's case, like Joris has failed at feeling special, and that Kerubim would be sad, if he knew how Joris really felt about his body.

If Atcham didn't love Kerubim, — if he didn't feel nostalgia for the times they were still close, — none of what Joris said here would ever work, y'know?

While the show had 52 episodes and then some to sell me on Kerubim and Joris's dynamic, the movie only has three scenes to develop what goes on between Joris and Atcham, and we've already seen two of them.

And let me tell you, by god, does it succeed.

Yes, Atcham and Joris are foils to one another, because of their orphanhood, body issues, and relationship with Kerubim.

But Atcham and Bakara are also foils: because of their feeling of inadequacy, compared to their brothers.

Bakara can't acknowledge what she feels: hatred. Towards herself, for not being good enough. Towards Julith, for seemingly taking her brother away. Towards Joris, for being the product of the woman who ruined her life. Towards Kerubim, maybe for taking Joris and giving him a good life, devoid of having to face or know any of these terrible things, or maybe for not dying instead of Jahash.

And she hates Jahash too. For leaving her alone. And for leaving such a huge void where he once stood — one she can never hope to fill.

Atcham is quite the opposite, really. He needs so badly to hate Kerubim to feel better, that he can barely face the fact that he loves his brother too.

Honestly, is it even hatred, when all you do is sing him praises? "You're the coolest, the hairiest, the luckiest—" doesn't suddenly stop being a compliment, if it's followed "instead of you, it should be ME." (yes, I am taking this moment quote one of the most Atcham-core songs ever created at you. hi.)

There's a very thin line between hatred and love, and I think, that in that line there lies jealousy and obsession.

Atcham's purr is so cute....... kbitty.

This confirms that under the fur, Kerubim and Atcham look pretty similar (we been knew). If you shaved Keke, you'd see a mini-Atcham, and vice versa. The main difference is the ear size, and the fact that the sides of Atcham's face point downwards, instead of upwards, like with Kerubim

However, I have some qualms with this design: sphynx cats have spots in the same exact places that they would have if they had fur. if Atcham had fur it'd be more like this:

And man. It makes him look even MORE like Kerubim. jhgsjkfgsdfg

[ouatsnark]

CaptainSwan has an abusive marriage because Hook was a villain. DEBUNKED.

I had a request on X formerly known as Twitter to debunk the below CaptainSwan hate. I think I have covered all of this before but I thought I might remind the Regina Apologists that if you use these arguments against CaptainSwan you’re a raging hypocrite. So yes, this is going to be another “but what about your ship” post just for the purpose of pointing out the hypocrisy.

So buckle up CSers and let’s dive into another installment of “WTF did that Regina apologist just say!?”

Proof of Emma & Killian’s Abusive Marriage?

Apparently Emma is doomed to a life of abuse, because according to Regina Apologists, Killian has a history of abusing Emma:

Hook physical assaulted Emma: Body Slamming, Shoved, abused other women too (villain Hook)

Hook sexual assaulted Emma and other women (false)

Hook attempted to kidnap Emma’s son (a swing & a miss)

Hook has poor communication skills (writing trope, stfu)

Hook has a drinking problem (HAD. therefor head canon)

Hook is rude to Emma’s mother (shower remark) and Henry (ONE TIME. You’re never rude to anyone?)

Hook shifts blame from himself to Emma (ONE TIME if you even want to count this & it’s about killing David’s father & he corrected himself)

Hook made Emma co-dependent as she was willing to let her parents die and her brother become an orphan (What is this even? Is it the Under World trip? But Henry isn’t mentioned… I think they got their Regina list confused with the Killian list.)

Hook treated her like trash, manipulated & lied to her, put her down, especially when angry (Villain/DO Hook)

Hook jumped off a roof just to get Emma to talk to him (get over it losers)

Hook is Professor of Moodiness 101 (What is that even? They didn’t have enough bullet points I guess)

Hook thinks family and friends are possessions but Emma’s loved ones are threatened by Killian?? Tried to maliciously kill Emma’s family and friends (more Villain/Dark Hook & he apologized, went to hell and was tortured)

What about the future of Regina & Emma's toxic friendship (cause canonically that's all that existed)?

Regina physically assaulted Emma and plenty of other people too.

Regina sexually assaulted Graham AND y’all seem to think “taste my forbidden (poison) fruit” is sexual.

Regina abused Emma’s son, tried to turn him against her and then attempted to kidnap him (she was evil so she had no rights, please understand this)

Regina has a self-centered, wont listen to anyone else, attitude problem

Regina also has poor communication skills

Regina is rude to Emma’s family and friends ALL OF THE TIME. So not just once like Killian. But All the time.

Regina was the one that actually let Emma’s parents sacrifice themselves in S6 for her instead of being a true hero.

Regina actually treated Emma like garbage before and after her supposed redemption (Regina lied, manipulated, used, insulted, degraded and dismissed Emma all 6 seasons)

Regina used the dagger to hurt Emma and tried to force Emma to tell her secrets that Emma didn’t want to share with Regina

Regina murdered Emma’s wish parents in front of her & no amount of begging made her stop (she still failed)

Regina destroyed Emma’s life and was the one to actually try and murder Emma and her parents on multiple occasions AND SHE DOES NOT REGRET IT.

If things that Villain Hook and the Hook consumed by Darkness did is proof that redeemed Killian Jones will abuse Emma Swan then the exact same can be said for Regina Mills. And Regina was never consumed by darkness. I know you all like to pretend that Dark Hook was the “Real Hook” but it wasn’t and you need to get over that. The darkness controls & manipulates its host but you’d know that if you looked at Rumple or even watched Season 5.

So are we done using these as reasons Emma and Killian will have an abusive marriage? Because obviously if SwanQueen had ever been a thing then they would have an extremely abusive partnership if we apply this same logic to them. Actually, Regina is more likely to abuse Emma than Killian Jones because between the two of them my list is more accurate for her and she has history of domestic violence (Graham, Snow, Henry, King Leo, her father). And the fact that Regina is an abusive “friend”.

But OUATSnark, all of these one time things add up! Yeah, we’re human beings. Our mistakes tend to do that. That’s why circumstances, context, intent and patterns and responses matter. So let’s break these down one by one shall we? I will be throwing Rumbelle into the mix just in case any Rumbellers out there wanna agree with the Regina Apologists.

Physical Assault

CLAIM: Hook physically assaulted Emma by body slamming her and shoving her. He also physically abused other women.

CORRECTION! Emma and Hook physically assaulted each other. Kinda. Is this what the kids are calling sword fights these days? This happened when Hook was a villain. When Emma and Hook were on opposing sides. Yes, they had a sword fight. Things happen during a sword fight. You know how that ended? He got a rock to the face. Way to go Emma! That was also after she betrayed him. Way to not listen to your literal inner voice, Emma. And yes, Hook gave her a little shove out of the way to get to Rumple. All of this happened when they were still enemies.

Neither Hook nor Emma touch each other in a violent way once he is on his path to redemption and aside from them being literally consumed by evil. Them as dark ones is not a measuring tool for how they are since they’re no longer consumed by evil.

Other abuse: Yes, Hook was a villain. He had victims that were women. He had victims that were men, too. The women victims, however, weren’t victims because they were women or because he was seeking to control them in a relationship so that does not mean he’d be an abusive husband. He was an equal opportunist villain. Please check his EQUAL partnership with Milah as more proof he is not a domestic abuser. Just because someone commits one kind of crime doesn’t mean they commit all kinds of different crimes. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

So why is all of this a problem now that Hook’s redeemed? It’s not a problem unless you hate CaptainSwan because you (wrongly) think Hook ruined your chances at your actual abusive toxic ship because…

Regina was physically abusive to Emma before her redemption:

She tried to poison Emma, twice (S1)

Threw her down a driveway (S2 when Emma rightly called Henry “HER SON”)

Punched her (S1 over Graham)

Choked her (S2 trying to stop Emma from getting in the way of turning Cora into a DO)

So Regina also has a history of being physically abusive to Emma when they were still enemies. I guess that means Swanqueen would have a terribly abusive marriage too, then, right? Or are you a double standard hypocrite? For the record, I don’t think the above is proof she undoubtedly would be. However…

Oh but wait, Regina was physically abusive to Emma AFTER her redemption:

Regina used the dagger to control Emma and LIKED that it hurt Emma. This is only significant because Regina reveled in hurting Emma with that dagger. She didn’t even apologize or care either. In fact she thought it was great that she made Emma thank her. That’s just abusive behavior. I’m sorry. When you hurt someone you love you apologize even if it’s an accident. And you sure as hell do not do it again then demand being thanked!

She used that dagger to torture Emma into revealing truths to her that Emma didn’t want to tell her. Regina might have been trying to help but she continued when an obviously hurting Emma BEGGED her to stop. Regina ultimately failed. But if Hook’s past is a reason you claim he’ll physically hurt Emma in the future then this is definitely a sign that Regina will push Emma past her breaking point if Regina wants something from her bad enough. Fair is fair, y’all!

Regina then murdered Emma’s wish parent’s in front of her Emma’s anguish didn’t even phase Regina. Again she pushed Emma past her breaking point and didn’t stop. SHE DID NOT STOP. Because Regina wanted to be the hero by any means necessary and she still failed! Emma’s pain is what brought Killian out of the darkness. Regina just kept on going!

Other abuses: Aside from all the murder, she choked a village child, abused her knights, tortured people and goodness knows what other things during her years of Tyranny. So. Yes, Regina likes to abuse people. She abused Belle after her redemption and didn’t care. She verbally abused young August (yes, she snapped under pressure but she is rude to someone at least every episode).

But do you know what Regina’s big red flag is? She forced Graham to have a relationship with her then killed him for rejecting her.

So which one is more likely to domestically abuse Emma and force her into a relationship? Hook or Regina? Regina has a history of domestic abuse so the answer would be Regina.

And for you Rumbellers out there that think Rumbelle had a beautiful marriage, lets remind you that Rumple was physically abusive to Belle:

Shook her

Threw her in a tower & locked her away

Put her in a sleeping curse

Uh oh looks like Rumbelle is going to be a highly physically abusive marriage! But wait, we already knew that. At least those of us without blinders on.

Newsflash y’all the enemies to lovers ships have a history of fighting. Shocker. But the only one to come to physical abuse AFTER redemption was SwanQueen. Therefor if you ship SwanQueen you shouldn’t be saying “CaptainSwan’s marriage is violent because of stuff that happens when they’re enemies”. And if you ship Rumbelle you should just stop talking all together.

Sexual Assault

CLAIM: Killian kissed Emma without her consent! He’s a pirate! All pirates rape! And he’s admitted to getting women drunk to rape them!

Do I have to say this again? Killian was trying to break a curse. The writers were paralleling them with Snowing. Just get over it!

And no, just because he was a pirate that doesn’t make him a canon rapist. You want to fanon him as one? That’s sick but it’s your right. But your fanon is not proof of canon.

And those words were not in that EF pub scene, that is not what that scene was about, and Emma has NO REACTION? Please just exercise some honesty and use some brain cells, I beg you!

Besides, If Hook is a sexual abuser because of the attempted true love kiss then so is David. If we follow this logic then surely he assaults Snow on a nightly basis, right? This isn’t meant to be a strawman argument… I am just trying to point out the hypocrisy. I know no one believes David does this cause it’d be far too ridiculous. So why is Hook held to a different standard? Because he is a villain or because you just hate him? Cause both kisses happened under the same circumstances and we never see Hook force a kiss on anyone outside of this very specific circumstance.

But let’s talk about Regina. Since y’all think “how to get the savior to taste my forbidden (poison) fruit” is something sexual then what does that say about your ship? Because to me it says sexual abuse is just fine as long as it’s Regina doing it. And as I said earlier she forced Graham into a relationship with her. She sexually assaulted him for 28 years then murdered him when he rejected her. What about David? Yes, her trying to seduce a cursed David is 100% attempted sexual assault. I’ve even seen people convincingly argue that she’s even touched Killian inappropriately and suggested she’d make David a sex slave when she had him in her prison.

And for you RUMBELLE stans out there: Yes, Rumple assaults Belle several times. Once when he was masquerading as Killian AFTER her rejection and ejection from her life. He uses the author to re-write her as his wife AFTER her rejection. And he kisses her without permission while she’s in the sleeping curse AFTER she’s rejected him again.

OK while we’re here let me just draw the SWANFIRE fans into this: Yeah yeah yeah Neal wouldn’t have been charged for statutory rape since 16 was the age of consent in that state but lets not pretend that a 150 yr old with a 16/17 year old isn’t cringy. His body might not have aged but he has the experience of two lifetimes worth of emotional and mental maturity. And again it’s just sick.

So I ask you… out of all these couples…which one is more likely to sexually abuse their partner? Regina and Rumple is the answer because they have CANON history of doing so. Neal is more likely to cheat on Emma with a much younger woman. Deal with it.

So lets also scratch sexual abuse off your reasons CaptainSwan is abusive cause one, its a lie and two, your favorite (Rumple, Regina or Neal) is actually the canon rapist.

Kidnapping Henry

CLAIM: “Hook attempted to kidnap her son. (To save him from Zelena, Cool motive. Still kidnapping)… I’m sure none of these things will cause problems in their marriage [sarcasm]”

So apparently Hook attempting to kidnap Henry to save him from Zelena is proof that Hook is going to abuse Emma during their marriage? Or maybe they meant Henry? Still. Say what? That does not even make even a little bit of sense. But to say this as someone who ships Regina and Emma? Are you for real? Lets review.

Regina actually physically and emotionally abused Henry.

Regina poisoned Henry (To kill Emma. Cool motive. Still did it.)

Regina mind-wiped Henry so she could kidnap him to the Enchanted Forest and leave Emma to die (she had no rights to him)

Regina used vines to restrain Henry after his rejecting her Regina gaslit Henry and made him & everyone else think he's crazy.

Regina lied & manipulated Henry to get him to hate Emma and Snow

Regina used him to get Emma to leave the jail so she could talk to a prisoner

Regina sent Emma’s son to spy on the dark one so she could rewrite her own story & screw up everyone elses

Hell, Emma kidnapped him in Season 1 to get him away from Regina’s abusive ass!

So before you use “Hook kidnapped Henry” as an excuse as to why CaptainSwan will have an abusive marriage please check your own ship first because Regina actually has a history of abusing Henry to get what she wants. At least Hook was attempting to protect him. Regina was purposefully hurting him.

Furthermore... I know you all would have been 100x more critical if Killian did nothing or if he'd chanced telling Emma. You all would say he was still endangering Henry. So, honestly, save your fake outrage.

Poor Communication Skills

CLAIM: “Hook got drunk instead of telling Emma the truth about her grandfather"

Since Hook got a little drunk one time while trying to work up the courage to tell Emma about David’s father he now has poor communication skills? That’s right folks. One time. See logical people understand that if something happens one time it’s not an indication that it is an ongoing problem. But if you hate Killian Jones it is an excuse to say that if he did it once of course he does it all the time!

Also it’s not like failing to tell someone something isn’t the oldest writing trope of all time. That couldn’t be it, could it!??? Like this is such a pathetic reach. CaptainSwan talk all the time about everything. About his part in Rumple’s past. That time he sat down with her and helped her see what her parents were going through. The fact that he’s always the one to say “I love you” first. But sure you go ahead and ignore that.

What about Regina and Emma? Regina had to use the dagger on Emma to try and get her to tell her why Emma was holding onto the darkness. All Killian had to do was ask. Regina dragged Emma to a bar to get her to open up about Killian leaving and Emma opened up to a bar tender instead! Regina refused to talk to Emma about Robin. Regina refused to listen to Emma about Henry/Pan and just walked away instead of communicating! Regina went back to Cora instead of seeking help from Emma. So far I am seeing more instances of SwanQueen not communicating!

You wanna talk about RUMBELLE’S communication or lack thereof? When did you ever hear Rumple ask Belle what she wanted? Cause he basically was just like “I’m gonna move your life around where I want it without asking”.

So again, what ship has the worse communication problems? Regina and Emma’s friendship sucks but honestly I’d give this one to Rumple since he just takes charge of Belle’s life.

Alcoholism

Hook apparently STILL has a drinking problem. Did you guys know that? I didn’t. Literally news to me! OK I’ve heard the claim before but it’s just another reach and a miss. Claims of Hook having a drinking problem are from biased people who’ve obviously never seen alcoholism. Or someone who successfully got on the wagon and stayed on it.

First off, no drunk is the same. You have angry drunks, friendly drunks, happy drunks, sleepy drunks, hyper drunks. We never see Hook as an angry drunk. So to say that he’s an angry abusive drunk is 100% fanon. We actually see him as a pretty happy, charming, drunk who’s giving Emma an out on whether or not to accompany him to his ship. So obviously not an angry or controlling drunk.

Secondly, has anyone actually counted how many times we’ve seen him drink? Because it was not every episode. NM that having one drink a day doesn’t make you an alcoholic. Getting drunk every once in a while does not make you an alcoholic. If it did then I guess I’d better get myself to AA.

Thirdly, we only see him as a falling down drunk on a few occasions. We know he was a drunk while on a slaver ship. And if you're going to hold that against him then I know you're a biased hypocrite who only cares about your fanon version of Regina's childhood and refuses to think about the fact that Killian was sold as a child slave. Liam pulled him out of that life and he was a good sailor in the navy (until the king double crossed them). The next time we see him as a falling down drunk was the season 3 finale when Emma was plying him with alcohol to keep him distracted. He was inebriated when he proposed but he was neither stumbling nor slurring his words.

So my point is: We never see present day Killian Jones drunk when he is needed or shirking his duties because of it. Alcoholism destroys jobs, relationships and your ability to function in life on a weekly if not daily basis. When did Killian do any of that? Again. Having a couple of drinks does not make you an alcoholic.

Furthermore, Hook is over 300 years old. If he STILL had an alcohol problem he’d have succumbed to it by now. But he obviously overcame that addiction since leaving the slave ship. There is nothing in canon about present day Killian Jones to suggest he'd fall back into alcoholism since he has something to live for and isn't being abused on a slave ship.

Just admit you all look for ways to hate on the ship instead of being honest.

Being rude to Emma’s mother and Henry

CLAIM: "Hook was rude to Snow & made a remark about needing a shower. He also snapped at Henry."

So let me get this straight. One joke about taking a cold shower means Killian will be so rude to Snow in the future that it will affect his marriage to Emma? Where is the pattern? It happening one time (I never took this as being rude but hey you’re welcome to the opinion) doesn’t indicate a problem. None of us ever behave perfectly. But apparently Killian Jones has to or else y'all go into hysterics!

I think it’s rather unfair to take one instance, blow it out of proportion, and use it to say CaptainSwan is abusive or will have an abusive marriage. If you don’t think it’s funny, that’s fine. Just acknowledge your bias and move on.

And the thing about Hook snapping at Henry? Again. ONE TIME. And it was under stressful circumstances. It’s not like the frustration was coming out of nowhere. The lives of people he cared about were in danger. And if you know anything about Hook, he hates just sitting still. I mean watch how antsy he was waiting on Merlin to find a way to help Emma. His reaction was 100% wrong. But it was also human.

Do you all know how often Regina puts Snow down? Are you all aware of it? I know you guys like to call it “sass” but clutching your pearls over one joke makes y’all look like hypocrites. I can let one thing slide but you know something is wrong when there is a pattern and Regina has a consistent pattern. She does it all the time. And it’s not even just to Snow! She is rude to Emma’s friends as well and the man Emma is dating. I don’t care if you hate the person your BFF is dating. You don’t put them down. It’s not going to do anyone any good except to hurt the person you profess to care about. And that’s not being a very good friend is it? No.

So I ask you again. Who is more likely to consistently insult Emma’s loved ones in the future? Regina. She has the pattern and the history of doing so. Therefor, strike this off your reasons to hate on CaptainSwan because your queen is just as guilty!

P.S. Rumbellers - don't think you're off the hook here. Be for real. Rumple doesn't value anyone's life except his own (and therefor Belle's because he wants her).

Shifts Blame

CLAIM: “Hook shifts blame from himself to Emma and blames her for not being able to tell her about David’s father”

“I swear to you… I wanted to tell you. I tried. But then you found that ring, and I just couldn't bear to ruin that happiness. Because I was ashamed, Emma, and scared of losing you and everything that matters to me.”

I never took Killian’s line here as him shifting blame. He was not accusing her. His tone was not accusatory. He was explaining to her why he couldn’t bring himself to ruin her happiness. He also goes onto explain how ashamed he was. All of that played a part in him making the wrong decision.

If you want to see this as him shifting blame. Ok. That’s you're right. HOWEVER. Again. To say that this one moment of weakness defines their entire relationship is completely dishonest especially since he totally recognizes his fault and says so the moment he reunites with her. And this is literally the only instance you can find of Killian (possibly) shifting blame.

I also think it’s very disingenuous seeing that he could have continued to blame Emma for everything he did as Dark Hook since she went against his wishes. But he didn’t. He took responsibility for his weakness. So this thing over David’s father is not a normal every day behavior. Y’all act like he’s gonna yell at her about dirty dishes he left in the sink and it’s just absurd. Killian was sincere when he tells her "I could never be angry with you" and he's pretty much lived up to that since his redemption.

Furthermore, have you never been so embarrassed by something you did that you tried to get away from it? What Killian Jones did was a very human reaction to immense guilt.

And then you have Regina Mills. She is the queen of shifting blame and she’s done it more than once. Tried to blame Henry being in the mine on Emma when it was really her fault. The entire Marian arc was about blaming Emma for her own mess. Regina blamed Emma for the wraith chasing Robin Hood. Blames Emma for having to kill Wish Snowing. She NEVER apologizes for any of that. The author only records what happens (only one canon instance where the author abused his powers to manipulate a story and that was Snowing) yet Regina blames the book for the choices she made. Regina blamed Snow for making her the evil queen when Regina chose to do what she did of her own free will. She blames Rumple as well and while Rumple might have handed her the key she chose to take it and open up the door to dark magic. She sought Rumple out. She chose to go down that path. But everyone else gets blamed besides Regina. Cora gets blamed even though she was long gone when Regina sought Rumple out because she admitted to LIKING the dark magic. Hell, for a good portion of S6 they all acted like the evil queen was a separate entity!

Co-dependence

CLAIM: “Killian made Emma co-dependent as she was willing to let her parents die and her brother become an orphan“

WHEN WAS THIS? I don’t think it is S5 otherwise they’d mention Henry. If they are talking about S6 that was Regina… like when I say they project, they project! Emma tried to stop serumQueen. You know who could have easily stopped the serumQueen? Regina. By using her own heart. But she only did that to save Zelena. Regina also could have sacrificed herself to save the very people that are responsible for the 999 chances she's gotten and whose lives she destroyed.

So laying this on Emma is just an outrageous reach especially calling it co-dependent when just last season Emma set out to kill Dark Hook and then made the decision to leave Killian in the Underworld and return to Storybrooke.

You want to talk about co-dependence?

Regina was so damn dependent on Robin and getting her happy ending that she shut Henry out of his occasional home so she could mope. She was so damn dependent on Robin for happiness that she thought about destroying Emma’s happiness with Hook. Regina was so dependent on Robin that she abandoned Emma and their ride BACK TO HENRY to chase Wish Robin after she just got done reassuring Emma that Wish People weren’t real! Kindly STFU.

You want to talk about co-dependence?

Rumple refuses to let Belle go.

Badly treated: manipulation, lies, insults, etc

The only times Killian has ever treated Emma like “trash” is when he was a villain (and she gave it right back to him) and when he was literally cursed by darkness. And no, my little Regina apologists, his Dark One Hook persona is not who he REALLY is. Who he REALLY is, is the man we saw right before being consumed and after. The man who always put Emma first, encouraged her, supported her and believed in her. If you follow canon, it is quite clear that being consumed by darkness changes you and not only that the darkness was pushing for him to hate Emma so that they could separate them and use Killian to get what they wanted.

What really irks me is that if everything Killian said to Emma while a villain or consumed by darkness is reason that redeemed Killian would abuse Emma later in marriage then newsflash hypocrites Regina would do 10x worse. Because even after her supposed redemption Regina insulted Emma and ridiculed nearly ever plan or idea she came up with. Yet it is OK to ship Emma with Regina? So let’s review.

Regina treating Emma like garbage, lying, manipulating, insulting her etc etc BEFORE her redemption:

Regina: I will destroy you if it is the last thing I do.

Regina: …How grateful I am to have Henry. Because not having someone? Well, that’s the worst curse imaginable. (Praying on Emma’s vulnerability)

Blaming Emma for Henry being the mine when it's Regina's fault

Regina: Well, of course not. Because you’re incapable of feeling anything for anyone. There’s a reason you’re alone, isn’t there? (again praying on Emma's vulnerability & shifting blame for emma's life)

Fires Emma from her job. Says she doesn’t deserve the badge.

Regina: Well, I think you picked a really slow horse this time. It’s not like you to back a loser.

That time she published Emma’s jail record; Regina: Oh, I’m sorry. You didn’t want people to know you cut his cord with a shiv?

Snaps at Emma for saving her in a fire

Regina Mills spent the first season trying to turn Henry against Emma

Would have let Emma die but only saved her and Snow in the end because of Henry (s2)

Regina: Because you know so much about parenting in the five minutes you’ve been with him. Talk to David. At least he took care of him while you were away. Like I did, during the ten years you were away the first time. (anti-birth parent rhetoric, victim blaming & diminishing the child abuse she put Henry through)

Regina: Miss Swan. I assume you’re here to apologize. - where the eff is her apology for everything?

Regina: He's not yours. He's mine. And after I cast this, you'll never see him again.

Regina called her an idiot

Dismissing Emma about fearing for Henry in NL (S3)

So surely if all of Killian’s words against Emma before his redemption & during being consumed by darkness is a sign he’d continue long into their marriage then Regina’s insults and ill treatment are a sign she’d do the same? Right?

Oh but wait, Regina’s ill treatment of Emma AFTER her redemption:

Dismissing Emma’s struggle as Dark Swan & acting like she knows more about what’s it like to be consumed by evil when she has never been consumed (5x23)

Acting like she’s the only one to ever lose love (S5, Robin stabbing)

Never once thinking of Emma when Hook died - all she could do is belittle Emma over trying to save him because it effected her yet she did the same thing with Robin & even Daniel! 

Wanted her HEA at the expense of others & endangered Henry to get it & also ignored the danger Emma was in to find it (s4 over rewriting the book)

Saying she was Henry’s best chance during the Shattered Sight curse (s4) and that wasn't true

Ignoring Emma’s concerns about Henry and falsely accusing Emma of being jealous (Pan-S3)

Making Emma feel bad about Henry’s tear all because she is jealous she doesn’t know Henry as well as Emma & ignoring how much she hurt Henry (S5 finale)

Regina called Emma a problem (5x01)

Regina stole Emma’s agency because she didn’t trust her to make the right choice whereas Killian insisted it had to be her choice without forcing her.

Regina believed the worse; that Emma would destroy light magic.

Regina blamed Emma right away for the demon. She never apologized (5x02).

THE ENTIRE MARIAN ARC. Regina had Emma doubting in herself when in fact everything that was happening was Regina’s fault.

Calls Emma an idiot again

Regina claims Emma ruined her life

Regina often doubted Emma’s abilities & thought she was more capable and Regina refused to follow her leadership (S3 over the map, S3 over Zelena, S3 over finding Neal who could read the star map, S6 in mirror mirror)

She often used anti-birth mother rhetoric (accusing Emma of being jealous in 3x10, being safer with her in shattered sight curse, S5 finale over Henry & Violet’s favorite song & the sEQ calling herself his real mother).

Swanfire really needs to shut up about this too. Emma and Neal weren’t enemies so their list isn’t as dramatic as SwanQueen and CaptainSwan but it doesn’t mean it isn't bad! And it is bad considering the fact that Neal abandoned her, laughed about her powers, yelled at her for not telling him about Henry AFTER he was the one to walk away from her, let her take the fall for his crimes and then only tried to get her back when it was convenient for HIM.

Rumbellers also have no room to criticize Killian’s past and use it as a way to disparage CaptainSwan because their ship is full of horrible things. Adultery. Liking Belle to an object to have (makes statements that he can have Belle and his power). Lied to her about the dagger then married her anyway. Thinks Belle is ignorant and wants to keep her that way. Literally shackled her with that bracelet to control her.

OutlawQueen can take a seat too. The fact that they committed adultery next to his dying wife's frozen body makes that ship absolutely disgusting. And yes, it counts because they believed her to be his wife. Intent matters. And the fact that Regina never told him the truth or how she wanted to make sure his son never had a mother so she could have Robin. AWFUL.

Hook jumped off a roof just to get Emma to talk to him

Come talk to me when he does this cause she’s on a date with someone else, just sitting around talking to her friends or family or you know otherwise busy and when they aren’t in the middle of a major crisis where everyone could die.

Hook is the Professor of Moodiness 101

Seriously. Wtf is this? They didn’t have enough bullet points I guess? Have they met Regina Mills? Cause Regina is constantly snapping at everyone. I know you all like to laugh and say “she’s just sassy” but that doesn’t make her comments or the tone she says them in any less rude. And no one laughs but you all. And yes, she does this a lot in frustrating moments but it’s all the time compared to Killian’s …what? Two?

Whether you all like it or not Killian Jones's attitude is dramatically different after the S3 winter finale onward. And he improves even more after the s4 winter finale. By the time we get to the last half of Season 5 we are looking at a much more mature Killian Jones being the man he was always meant to be.

But Regina? Regina never loses her attitude. She may have stopped killing. She may have joined team hero to get her happy ending. But she is still rude and extremely self-centered.

Trying to murder friends and loved ones

CLAIM: Family and friends are possessions but Emma’s loved ones are threatened by Killian?? Tried to maliciously kill Emma’s family and friends

I love how they threw “maliciously” in there like there is any other way to try to kill someone? Gotta make it sound more sinister, I guess? Ok Regina Apologist! Whatever floats your boat!

I think this refers to Killian being consumed by darkness which he only did because he was indeed consumed by darkness. So if this is why Killian will abuse Emma in the future then surely Regina’s lifelong goal of killing Emma and the Charmings is also cause to say that she too would abuse Emma in the future? Otherwise I missed all of the plotting he did before and after? He doesn’t have cause to try and kill Emma’s friends or family. He never did. So the only way this would occur is if he’s cursed again.

Regina has reasons to though! Out of jealousy and her want to have Henry to herself! So yes, my little Regina apologist. Regina is more likely to snap later on and decide she’s sick of watching everyone else be happy and create another curse. Just look at how much she wanted to steal Emma’s happiness when she lost Robin? That is after her “redemption” too.

And for you Rumbellers out there, Rumple tried in S4, 5, 6 and 7 to isolate Belle from everyone by killing them off or harming them in some way. And when he finally managed to get her alone, she rapidly aged and died. So really you all have no room to talk about any other ship.

Regina also tried to murder Robin's wife. So OutlawQueen can also scratch this one out. I mean the only reason they're together is because Regina murdered his wife.

CONCLUSION: Regina is more likely to abuse her future partner & Rumbelle is the poster ship for domestic abuse

So heads up OutlawQueen, SwanFire, SwanQueen, Rumbellers or pretty much any ship outside of Snowing... do not come at my ship for things that have nothing to do with the present day relationship when I have plenty of "present time" receipts to make your ship look 10x worse.

CaptainSwan fans ship Emma Swan with the Killian Jones who was the only one to ever put her first, let her make every decision moving forward in their relationship and was the only one to always believe in her.

[cacoetheswriting]

I am loving Pearl so far, beautifully written, but WAIT because I have to know what the letters said 😭😭😭

thank you, anon! <3 i appreciate your sweet words 🥹 and thank you for asking, it inspired me to actually fill in this gap - hope you enjoy!

content warnings: best friends to lovers, slow burn, mutual pining, mature themes, adult language, death of a parent, topics of grief, emotional hurt / comfort, self-doubt / insecurities - unedited - if i missed anything, pls let me know!

pearl masterlist

November 19, 1984

Eddie,

Sitting back in my dorm feels almost surreal. Everyone around me is going about their lives as normal, and I know I can’t be mad because obviously to them nothing’s changed, but how am I expected to join in normality? To just pick up where I left off at the start of the month?

You know what my chem professor told me? ‘We’ve all lost someone. The trick is to not make it your whole personality.’ In a way that makes sense to me. It’s logical. I can’t let my dad’s passing define me. And he obviously would want me to move on with my life. But Eddie, my heart bleeds. 

This grief… This grief is swallowing me whole. This grief has embedded itself into my core being and on most days, it’s fucking consuming me. I lost a parent, a protector, a friend. There are memories I’ll never get to make because he’s gone. I really lost a piece of myself. How come no one seems to get that?

You get that, right Eddie? I know you understand. You always understand.

I miss you. I miss my dad.

P.S. Excuse this tear stained paper. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.

P.P.S I’m sorry for running off on you the day of the funeral. It was just… a lot.

November 22, 1984

Eddie,

Nothing makes sense anymore. (Also, I know I just wrote you, but I haven’t sent that letter yet so you’ll get both together and can respond to them as one.)

I’m trying to catch up on the material I missed and the words blend together before my eyes. Well, I only have myself to blame. My mom offered for me to take the rest of the semester off and start fresh from the new year, but I thought the distraction would help. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m so sad all the time. And you know what the worst part is? Aside from the nightmares and this restlessness I’ve felt since the funeral, I just can’t stop thinking about you. What is Eddie doing, who is he with, does he think about me too?

Well, do you? God, this is fucking stupid. I know you do ‘cause you fucking call me everyday and I can’t bring myself to answer or call you back… Stupid…

I also think about our last moment together often… Actually, please ignore this letter, Eddie. Don’t respond. Like I said, nothing makes sense anymore, including my thoughts.

I miss you.

November 27, 1984

Eddie,

I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring your calls. I’m sorry I’ve had my roommate make up stupid excuses for me, that’s so lame. Most of all though, I’m sorry I haven’t called you back. 

You’re trying to be there for me and I’m pushing you away. That’s shitty of me and really unforgivable. But the thing is, I think I’m doing it because I know you’ll always forgive me. That’s even shittier of me. I’m awful.

You deserve a better friend, Eddie Munson. You deserve the world and I only wish I could give you that. Instead, you’re stuck with a girl who runs away from uncomfortable situations and hurts you in the process.

I wish I could go back to the day of the funeral and change

November 30, 1984

I spent the entire day listening to my mom cry over the phone — tell me, does it make me heartless for not shedding a single tear? Thinking now, this is the first time I haven’t cried since the funeral.

Anyway, I’m failing the semester. Surprise, surprise.

Also, Jonathan and Nancy came to visit. Why didn’t you come with them? God, why am I such a loser? Won’t speak with you over the phone, but gets mad when you don’t take time from school to come see me. I’m sick of myself.

P.S. Thank you for regularly doing the groceries for my mom and helping her around the house. You have no idea how much that means to her, and to me. I love— Thank you, Eddie.

December 4, 1984

It’s been a month since my dad died.

The grief hasn’t surpassed. If anything, it’s gotten stronger. My roommate has to force me to do basic human things like eat and sometimes even shower. She’s really been my rock here these last few weeks. You’d like her, I think. She couldn’t be more different than you in style, but she’s funny. 

I know you probably don’t have a high opinion of her now, considering she’s helping me avoid you, but—

I should really call you back. I’m sorry.

December 10, 1984

I haven’t sent a single one of these letters. You’ll probably never read them and know how truly awful I feel for ignoring you.

Eddie, how come things have gotten so complicated? You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s all on me. I wish we could go back to that day at Lover's Lake when you played your guitar for me. That was bliss.

I miss you, my Bobby McGee.

December 14, 1984

Eddie, you didn’t call today.

I shouldn’t be surprised. Not like I’ve given you a reason to call.

I wonder if you’ll even want to see me when I come home for the holidays. Probably not. That’s okay though. That’s okay…

December 19, 1984

Eddie,

Perhaps I’m saying this a little too late, but I appreciate you. Thank you for being my best friend and the entire reason why I know I’m going to be okay.

I think I’m in love with you. No. I know I am.

And I’m going to give you all these letters. Hopefully, you’ll read them in front of me so I can see your reaction when I say:

I love you, Eddie Munson. 

I’m coming home for the holidays. I’ll come see you and I’ll apologise. With any luck, you’ll forgive me for being a cold-hearted bitch. With any luck, although I probably don’t deserve it, you’ll be my person again.

I'm yours, forever.

thank you for reading <3

& tagging some cool people that expressed interest in this lil series: @cactusangie , @spenciesprincess , @capitanostella , @ashlynnkennedy , @ms1oftheboys

pearl masterlist

[spongek-squidge]

Penny’s 2 heart event sure is a controversial one (the one where she pushed George’s wheelchair without permission) so I’m going to throw my opinion on it out there cause why not

TW! mention of bad upbringings, implication of child ab*se, mention of negative self thinking, Y’know, Penny and Pam stuff

In case you’ve forgotten this heart event sees Penny try to help out George when he struggles to get his Mail from the back of the mailbox, which you know is lovely, nice neighbourly assistance. However, she didn’t ask whether or not he needed help (doing so being good manners) and also pushed his wheelchair without permission with him in it (that’s a no-no and is as disrespectful as pushing someone without a wheelchair (except George is less likely to fall as a result)). Now, this is a problem with the Stardew community as it shows a lack of knowledge and compassion with wheelchair users. However the biggest issue people have with it is if you explain that what Penny did isn’t okay to Penny you lose friendship with her.

Now this seems really out of place, especially when you consider that if you agree Penny did the right thing George then apologises to Penny! Not the way round that should be done.

Before I continue I want to make it clear that this mistake doesn’t inherently make Penny a bad person, but this is my take on why her losing friendship points is a good story telling aspect for the character (in my opinion)

Please finish reading before responding pls don’t pull a Twitter I swear it’s justified-

Starting off with why penny would do this to grumpy old man George, it kinda makes sense, like George is the kind of guy to reject all help if offered to him, man’s got a tonne of bottled up toxic masculinity. However, this still doesn’t justify it, it’s just an explanation as to why Penny didn’t bother asking, she’s lived next to that man for a long time she knows how he is.

So she goes and tries to help George and pushes in wheelchair around without permission, which is still a no-no. However when you tell her it’s a no-no you lose friendship points with her? What the hell Penny, we’re trying to help you out her girl!

But here’s why I think she would lose friendship points and it’s very in character

Pam

Pam is the only parent in Penny’s life and has been for a long time (god knows where the baby daddy is) so it makes sense for Penny to not understand the etiquette around wheelchair users and people with other physical disabilities, doesn’t it? I mean, she learnt is from Pam, and Pam isn’t really a beacon of good morals is she?

It’s the same logic behind internalised homophobia, you grow up around people who are homophobic so even if you are gay or do your best to be inclusive it takes more then someone who didn’t grow up around the same levels of homophobia. Penny grew up around someone who wouldn’t bother educating her about people who are different due to physical disabilities etc

Penny is open minded, she’d never discriminate, but she was never taught the etiquette surrounding things like wheelchairs and how to respect wheelchair users

But why does she lose friendship with us when we try to teach her the etiquette?

I have an idea

Because it makes her think, somewhere deep in her bones, that she’s just going to become her mother. That no matter how much she tries to be open minded and be everything her mother isn’t she’s still failing and nothing can change that

This isn’t true of course but Penny didn’t have the best upbringing and Pam has been seen to insult her when she gets mad, so Penny definitely has low self esteem and would think in this manner.

But that’s just a theory, a game theory!

But seriously, it does make sense when you think too much about it (which I have)

[aydaptic]

I know that you addressed in your fic that Gavin wouldn’t have children but just say for arguments sake that he did have a child (adopted, through science whatever), do you believe that he and Nines would be good parents?

Overall, if they help each other, yes... but they would have a lot of non-good parent moments in addition that could really make that kid's life unnecessarily difficult. I'll write down their canon personalities for context.

Gav as a parent

"Ambitious and unapologetically arrogant, he has garnered the hatred of his colleagues in record time. Ruthlessly ambitious, Reed will do anything to advance his career, even if it means treading on other peoples’ toes." - Gallery

As mentioned in my fic -- and as is true in canon -- Gav is a hard worker. That means he'll likely end up in the same scenario as he was with his own family the way I headcanon it: he'd unintentionally be somewhat neglectful bc work is so important to him. Yet he'd still do a better job than his own parents bc he himself knows what it feels like to be a kid with (unintentionally) neglectful parents.

Neil Newbon (Gav's voice/mo-cap actor) headcanons him to have had a bad father and saw Hank as a replacement father. Taking that into consideration, Gav would

1.) do a better job having learned from his parent's mistakes, and...

2.) have history repeat itself.

In my fic, you know Gav is also great with kids. He simply doesn't want to be a parent and would rather settle for the "cool uncle/cool big brother" position. He wouldn't be interested in babysitting, either.

Niner as a parent

Paraphrasing: "Bad Connor." | "Not likable, not sweet, but intimidating and scary." - Adam Williams (2nd lead writer)

Being a military/detective android, Niner doesn't have the necessary functions/understanding of kids outside of simple logic as he's never been a kid himself. He'd struggle way more than Gav would. A kid would frustrate him more than even Gav does and that's saying something. He has a hard enough time understanding his own emotions, so when forced to try and understand a kid, he'd fail miserably. On his own, Niner would do an awful parenting job. He'd need someone else (Gav) to balance it out.

Conclusion

Gav would be the "fun parent," but he wouldn't struggle to put his foot down when necessary. He would never raise a disrespectful kid who thinks the world revolves around them/has never been told "no" in their life. He'd teach that kid that hard work pays off and not to assume they "deserve" anything in life (bc they don't.) They have to earn it. Niner would always be the "non-fun" parent. A good parent isn't their kid's friend, but their parent that they feel comfortable talking to/feel safe with/respect, and they both know that.

They would also need a crucial feminine female figure in that kid's life to balance out their own masculine male nature.

Using logic, Niner would remind Gav what happened to him as a kid, and that would help Gav to become a better parent. Gav would teach Niner how kids are in general and help him in return. They would need each other for it to even remotely work.

[saltykidcreation]

6. How That even work?!

The boat definitely in progress and now the turtles in 'rest time'. Donnie using that time to asking mermaid more about their culture but only Adriana that want answering because well Donnie to much babble, andriana had same curiousity like him and another three mermaid have problem to understand with human idiom and words that Donnie used.

Now he and Adrian sat on cliff ocean, Adriana in her mermaid mode and her wings were open. Now why the sat on dangerous place? The answers was simple why not? That and it made easier for Adriana when she want soaking after she felt enough sunbathing.

"And that Donnie our culture, after all not just one type mermaids in all sea. yes, we all look 'aquatic' but different. " said Ariana.

"Wow that is amazing so many cultures," said Donnie after Adriana told him about a few types of mermaids.then Adriana laughing at something that made do puzzled.

"I remember that there's a few time I to close with fishermans or other humans boat to learn more about humans , me sneaking to them to learning more and they almost saw me, and at the end vanora and other but mostly vanora was the one that always help me, she look so angry but we'll it was worthy" Donnie nods understanding.

"Yeah, curiosity can be good thing or bad thing" said Donnie.

Adriana even let Donnie to examine her fish tail, she put her fail on donnie's lap. Adriana can't stop giggling when Donnie touch her tail and some point Donnie just decided to tickling her tail and made Adriana Laughlin and Donnie chuckles.

Then Adriana and Donnie sharing knowledge about his gadgets and her magic. At first Donnie still looks sceptical about magic but Adriana made it more simple what was magic and since electricity can't using in water they using different energy and magic in water. And not all mermaids are traditional some are 'modern' even not like humans. Adriana showing Donnie her magic and trying fused magic with science and that made Donnie impressed.

" from other three you one have more knowledge, you are brilliant" praised Donnie that make Adriana bashful.

"Not brilliant as you" replied Adriana nods to donnie's devices that he made by himself and from junks.

They both sat so close and they looked at each other also Adriana's fist tail still on donnie's lap and donnie lean closely , donnie's snout and Adriana's nose were touching but before their lips can touches Donnie looks away and made Adriana confuses.

"Something wrong? "Asked Adriana. Donnie still looks away and playing his glasses but there's blushes on his cheeks, he cleared his throat.

"It won't work, between us. I meant your biology is like human and me? While I look humanoid and I am a person, I still... A turtle" said Donnie, he looks sad with the fact but fact was fact and he lived with it.

Adriana looks Donnie with sadness and there's little amused. Adriana touched Donnie shoulder.

"Donnie, I never tell you what my mother was do you? " asked Adriana, Donnie shakes his head but still not looking at Adriana.

"my mom was a terrapin or more specific she was tortoise " that declaration made Donnie's snapped his head to Adriana,

"Wh-what? Yo-you kidding" Donnie clearly shocked. Adrian ana looks Donnie with amusedn as he started freak out.

"H-how? How that even working out? " asked Donnie as he feels all logic inside his head was throwing out window. Adriana just gave donnie'l Deadpaned looks and pointed at her tali and all over her body.

"That is still doesn't make any sense, your reproduction are like human so how.. " before Donnie said more anything, Adriana covered his mouth with her hand and looks at donnie's eyes.

"Donnie even I can reproduction like human, you keep forgetting that I am not human and we have magic, so as long it's male and female, we still can reproduction. And as you can see I mostly mermaid like 95℅ ,yeah i am like all mermaid. We can choose for our of spring be only like one parent" Donnie still not understand why Adriana told him.

"My point is that it's didn't matter what are we as long we have same feelings" Adriana removes her hand from donnie's mouth. He still looks thinking after all he always trusting his logic but after he met with driana, he feels he need opened his mind more, also Adriana is mystical being so the logics she and other had definitely different.

When Adriana about to moved her tail from his lap but donnie hold it tightens.

"I want try" said donnie. Adriana just smiles then they starts kissing, it was awkward but then donnie doing experiment that made their kiss more smoothly , Adriana just let donnie doing experiment, after all it was not bad.

(I have to say donnie chapter is long, also I don't know exactly how mermaids reproducted but well in this story they can have couple that totally different species but they offsprings are still part of or mostly merfolk. Also what Adriana said basically like ' our DNA are not problems for our love'. So yeah if one day the turtles having family with the mermaids they can choose their kids will be totally mermaids or totally turtle. Just record even like that if they do parental test the results that they are the parents even look not likely)

[lre333]

for @rainymoodlet Kiss Me In Komorebi -

Darol Bennett,

age 42 (newly spun Adult life stage, thanking you), and friends say that I finally look my age - the grays came in early; I was around 22 when my pepper first showed a sprinkle of salt. Though I can’t say I had a particularly stressful young life, my role has always involved a level of responsibility.

I was born to my mother Olivia, a youth school and music teacher from the city who retired to the countryside onto inherited land in The Bramblewood of Henford-on-Bagley. She still runs her daycare here, and throughout my childhood, I was often at her side playing assistant, caring for the younger ones, helping them learn their abcs and arithmetic as she taught it to us. As self-appointed captain of our playtime adventures, I'd provide elaborate lore for us to reenact from bedtime stories my father, Nolan, told me nightly. I hardly remember my father, who maintained his business in the city still after the move but always managed to make it home at the end of the day. However, I do so distinctly recall the sudden shift when that was no longer the case. A bold strike of nature took him one thunderstorm in spring - it seemed like such a storybook ending to a child of four who had never known grief, but i knew that when father would say “the end”, it would be time to sleep, and I’d never hear the same version of that story again.

My mother took on more children to teach and soon it was my time to enroll for institutional learning, which I proceeded to let consume me for the foreseeable future as I gobbled up all there was to know. The sharing of story and information remains an insatiable passion of mine, but I can't recommend you get into it without first relaying a word of caution from firsthand account: the more you know about the vast possibilities available to experience, the less you may be willing to press yourself into the narrow ideals most championed by the ignorant majority. This may result in extreme discontent. I was budding into myself, beginning to learn what it means to present an image of my inner workings dressed in the ill-fit clothing of puberty, and found myself to be outside of wider society’s expectations of what’s allowed a person to become. In all my little time on earth, nothing had seemed a logical reason for why that could be. What did it matter who I wanted to love?

I had always been a “polite child” - or so I’d been told quite frequently by elders whose well-meaning attempts at making me into a paragon of acceptable behavior instead sowed the disdain of my peers, including my adoptive sister who joined our household when I was eight years old - she was two years younger than me, but two years older than the age I’d been when experiencing the loss of a parent. Her mother died in a misdiagnosed electrical fire that reduced her home to cinder and sent her father - a friend of my own - for a lengthy and ultimately incomplete hospital recovery. She was of an age to know grief, yet still too young to understand its process, and she found mischief to be an effective coping strategy to allay her pain. The elders favored my logic and docility - she was all too amused to see my placid disposition break years later as the logic they so favored turned on them in an outburst against their injustice. Our mother was patient with us; she understood our machinations for what they were. With my new eyes, I could see where it seemed those elders had failed me in creating a world where I was allowed to thrive rather than live under their thumb, and so this rising discontent in me manifested into a hothead trait that stayed for the ride from teen to young adulthood. I was still “polite”, responsible, practiced at good manners and actively practicing emotional control under the attentive guidance of my knowing mother, still careful as well to be an example and caregiver to the children I still helped her to teach, and still willing to volunteer my time and skills to whatever handiwork needed doing to improve the self-sustainability of my hometown, but angry, angry, angry. I tried to fight it away; thought punching bags would make quell the anger. I tried to read it away; found comfort in the words of revolutionaries, but that just stoked the embers hotter. I wrote it away, made it a physical thing that by the machinations of this ill-balanced vehicle of the system called institutional education brought me accolades. I was awarded with scholarships for skill and merit and went on to graduate with Honors in Communications first, eventually adding Language and Literature, and History. Anger is a potent emotion, and well-channeled, will surely help you get things done. The kickback, though, has a way of knocking you on your butt.

I entered the journalism career armed with a decorated resume and connections achieved by college savvy several steps ahead and in high acclaim. I took pride in uncovering what was rotten underneath the veneer of authority and its figureheads; I wanted to expose the systemic discrepancies that had bred the societal ones responsible for my discontent, dig out the root of corrupt power structures so my community might have a chance to grow into a healthier garden for young buds like me who had been let down or who had learned to self-inflict the violence of stifling valuable parts of oneself in order to avoid an outside influence crushing you under their boot. Anger can have a way with you, if it finds you eager to effect change, and sparks the impulse without warning or regard for future planning. As for me, I had been waiting to take a swing at larger, more influential players - and I got my wish. I found a lead on a whiff of foundational disease in the city’s government and I went in, gathered evidence, unearthed it and set it on display too quickly and brightly for those who’d rather censor our worldsview to prevent it reaching the public attention - and I was proud to have done it, hopeful to do it again, but my name now carried a spotlight and that work required stealth. I was advised and satisfied at the time to step down from my career, knowing that what I’d done had reached the limits of what could be done at my station there. I returned home to focus my attention on fostering local reform through community enrichment, resumed my share of handiwork around town when the need would arise, and became a regular on the library staff rotation. It was my joy to cultivate a quest for learning through literature, and I hosted many a story time sit-down in the library, or at the end of a repair job sat on the living room floor beside a newly-installed wall-mounted tv; it became a thing, and it wasn’t long before I was invited to host a segment on the public broadcasting station to bring the experience of story to any town's living room simultaneously.

I never cared for the notoriety that came with my decision to take a stand against misuse of authority by government figures - it angered me more that the notion was novel enough to warrant such a reaction, which was then bent by the lens of spectacle, effectively stifling the work and allowing progress to backpedal when the sensationalization of it all died down. It’s a process of conserving the narrative of public helplessness against big issues to inspire a desire for someone “bigger than you” to take the reins and feed you false promises of a better tomorrow - as long as your precious head remains under the shepherd’s hand, little sheep. I delighted in championing another way, and I didn’t mind becoming known for it in order to encourage more people towards a freer lane of thinking. The challenge for viewers was to seek answers for themselves - not to take my word for truth but to explore and discover, decipher meaning by one’s own definition, to question even those they admire, and to share what they’ve found with each other. The television segment was titled “Prose Prismatic” and featured literature focused within an overarching monthly theme so that a topic could be explored in depth and from a variety of facets, to consider not just the angle that confirms your bias, but the many other colors there are in the vibrant gradient between black and white thought. Viewers were asked to submit works following a weekly prompt which would then have excerpts featured in a special broadcast called “Kaleidoscope” to play between shows in advertisement’s stead. My hope was that by inviting everyone’s voice to be heard and respected, it would make the concept of speaking up to affect change less of a foreign or fearful one. Society could only get better for normalizing it. I can’t know for sure whether it was a success, but the show was popular and folx participated for the duration of its run. At its end, I continued the fun through radio, continued introducing listeners to a variety of stories and to each other’s inner workings, as well as boosting local talent seeking a living from their wordsmithing. My own royalties from poetry books, skill and research manuals, and memoirs written in my journalism days kept the station sustained when donations wavered or were redirected to the community in case of emergency. The station was to be a supportive feature, fully in opposition to becoming a predatory parasitic presence in the lives of those it aims to enrich. I’m proud to note that it continues to be just so, heading fundraisers to fulfill community needs, food drives with participation from agriculturists, regular youth Finchwick Fair events, and a solid foundational group of dedicated volunteers who share my passion.

The flames of my hothead trait have cooled so as to be extinguished, put into the soil of this work, not without its frustrations, but worthy of the effort for the great bountiful yield that I can see my hometown thriving on. Instead, I’ve become rather domestic at this life stage, caring for my mother who remains a pillar and sage presence in the lives of the town's young, still teaching music and watching over the infants, toddlers and children of HoB; my sibling and I are closer now, sharing a hobby in automobile restoration; a cousin here or there comes to visit between time spent in the city perusing big dreams, and now that my life has eased into a more homeward-focused pace, they all wonder if this is when I plan to finally make time to date.

In all of this telling, you may not have noticed it left untold. It hasn’t been for lack of suitors that my romantic history is a messy scribbled half-page of awkward notes and unrefined, if not empty. Sure, I’ve gone out in my 30s, saw what it was like to sow the odd wild seed, but I’ve never moved as fast as many. Maybe achieving that level of fame (two or three stars, still quite uncomfortably bright for me) made me too cautious to allow the spontaneity of a whirlwind affair to blow me off-course; maybe that burning head of my youth blinded me to more basic desires with my attention trained so squarely on other ambitions. Beneath the banner of those all-important ideals, it just hadn’t been a priority. Maybe a truth that’s harder to admit is that rejection hits deep and the memories of it don’t fade kindly. A college crush: the boy from my debate team, a night of misread intention when he invited me over after a chance meet up in the park, where I grilled for him. Silly. I suppose I decided then that it wasn’t worth the distraction. I bested him in a debate the last week of the semester before I’d graduate in a petty attempt at regaining some dignity. He was quickly forgotten when all was said and done, but the sting of failure stuck, and the glow of success before me reinforced a path of solitude. Easier to stick with what I know. A wall of accolades holds the place where photos of lovesick vacations would hang in my bachelor abode, and I’ve been content with that until now. I’m no longer loving the single lifestyle, but the dating pool of gays in my life stage is shallow round these parts - and maybe I’m fond of risky extremes and don’t mind going out on a limb for a crush, even if the outcome isn’t guaranteed. Friends and family agree that it’s rather like me to pursue romance through reality tv, where the medium contradicts the genuine sincerity I bring to a world of seeming play-pretend, especially when the goal is to connect with a potential kindred spirit on something true within the fantasy. Daniel feels very familiar to me, and not only because I was often recommending his show to townspeople wanting to boost their own handiness skills after I’d finished using a trick he’d shown me. It’s silly… but maybe not so impossible.

I approach the chance of meeting him with a curious mind and open page, ready to explore what might be written there, whether only a word, two paragraphs, three chapters, more… Whatever comes of it, I'll delight in the sport of self-discovery inherent in the journey.

[warmaidensrevenge]

Always seen you.

Pairing: Eddie x Insecure!Fem plus size reader

If you want to read my other work you can find it HERE

A/N: Hi! Welcome to my not so mini anymore series. This is part 5. If you would like to read the other parts, you can click the link above. I update it with every fic post. Thanks for reading. As always feedback is greatly appreciated. Kay love you bye.

Warnings: Language, angst, fluff, body insecurities, secret pining, slow burn, sexual implications, and eventual smut. Not proof read and no word count.

Summary: The boy of your dreams is always just out of reach. If only you could get over yourself to see that he sees you too.

Part 5

🖤

A couple of weeks went by and you and Eddie spent more time together. Watching movies mostly. He wanted to ask you if you would like to sit with him and his buddies at lunch a few times. But he was actually afraid you would say no.

One afternoon he was pretty upset when he got to the Hellfire room. You were in there already setting up the little spot on the couch. It started to get cold the past few days so you had brought blankets and pillows.

You must have noticed he was off when you made a comment.

" You're usually quiet today Munson."

" Uhh yeah sorry."

" What's up?"

Eddie handed you the movie and threw himself on the couch.

" I...failed Mrs O'Donnell pop quiz today."

You sat next to him.

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. To be fair her pop quizzes are a bit hard. She always uses vernaculars of the time period she's teaching. So sometimes it's a little hard to understand."

Eddie turned his head to look at you. " You took her class?"

" Yeah. Freshman year."

You guys sat quietly for a moment. Then you had something almost like an epiphany. You finally found an in with your parents.

" Eddie? I have an idea."

" Tutor me."

" How did you-...yeah. That's exactly what I was thinking."

Eddie couldn't help the smile that stretched across his lips. If you tutored him, he could spend even more time with you.

" Yeah. It's a really good idea. I would appreciate all the help you can give me."

You got up and went to put the movie in and when you sat back down. He covered you with a blanket.

His smile got bigger when he saw your cheeks fill with red again. And when you smiled his heart started to flutter.

God you were so damn pretty. He could just kiss you. But no. Not right now. Hopefully soon though. Every second you guys spent together made it harder and harder for him to control himself.

He even stopped hooking up with cougars. Though he really needed the release after every time you guys hung out. He never took up the offers.

Today however was a bit different. He picked out The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was a gruesome scary movie. Which freaked even him out because they were just regular people doing scary shit. So he knew you would probably be scared. And iff you were scared you might need to hold his hand.

He had been craving your touch since the hug. Wanting to hug you every time he saw you. He wondered what your body felt like next to his. Waking up snuggling with you. To touch your body. To kiss you. But he had to stop. Stop thinking about you like that. Well not until he was sure.

See the only person he talked to about you was his uncle. But all Wayne ever offered was logical solutions for his problems.

Normally he could say what was in his mind. But when it came to you, he couldn't. It was hard for him to deal with his emotions and even hard to talk about them. Especially when it came to being bullied. Sure he could hide the hurt, but it really took a toll on him.

He thought maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea if you got involved with him. He didn't want what was happening to him to happen to you too. He would hate to hear people calling you a freak. There was so much on his plate already and he was struggling with his feelings for you.

"Stop screwing around. Just tell her boy...Get yourself a nice smart girl. It's about time you outta."

Wayne's words echoed in his head. You were nice, smart and very beautiful. You could pick anyone you wanted. So why would you pick him?

Eddie's insecurities came back with a vengeance. Even if you wanted to be with him, it wouldn't last. You would eventually see that he had no real future. When he did finally graduate, he was planning on getting the hell out of Hawkins. Maybe pursue a music career. He liked working with his hands, so maybe something in construction.

Obviously pick something that was not good enough for you. You should be with someone who had a bright future ahead of them. Just like you.

He always felt like he wasn't good enough. For anything. Not a good enough son, or nephew. Not a good enough student or musician. So he clearly thought he wouldn't be a good enough boyfriend either.

All those things silently shouted at him daily. But they all seem to shut the fuck up when he was with you. Well that was until you would look at him. He loved how you looked at him. No one has ever looked at him like that before. It made him feel like he was the only guy in the world for you. Making him think that he might have a chance with you.

Then when you would quickly look away because he made you nervous. He felt that nervousness too. It was just a little harder to breathe around you. His heart beats faster when he was with you. His stomach flips when he sees you smile.

Eddie had to admit, he was a fool in love. When he was with you, he thought about all the possibilities.

You guys could be with each other, go on dates, grow together, go through struggles, build a stronger relationship, maybe one day move in with one another and be happy... together. The possibilities were endless. He just had to see if you felt the same. Because even though the relationship might crash and burn, at least he can say he was truly happy when he was with you.

Your teeth chattering brought him back to the present. He actually looked at the movie and it was about twenty minutes in. He looked at you and you were shivering. That's when he pulled back his blanket without thinking.

" Hey sweetheart. Come here. I... I run hot."

You gave him a nervous look.

" It's okay. If you don't want to, you can have my blanket."

" Umm..no...I don't want you to get sick."

He gave you a soft smile and opened his arms so you could come to him.

You cleared your throat and scooted closer. Just before you leaned your back against his chest you looked at him.

" Uhh. If I'm too much..let me know okay."

He was confused. "What do you mean?"

" I..." You hung your head and spoke just above a whisper. "If I'm too heavy please-"

" Hey" he cut you off and lifted your chin to make you look at him before putting his hand back on his thigh. " Even if you were too heavy, which you're not by the way. I would rather you squish me than for you to be cold. But I swear you're not heavy... Remember when I helped you to the nurse's office? You weren't heavy then and you won't be heavy now. Okay? Now come here so I can warm you up."

This was it. This was the moment that your liking for Eddie Munson turned to love. He couldn't be more perfect if he tried.

You nodded and snuggled up against him. He pulled both blankets on you two. He was right. He was incredibly warm. This was something you could get used to.

You guys continued to watch the movie. Every kill, you would bury your face in his chest. Making his heart race. His arms wrapped you up tight every time. Then when you looked back at the screen he would loosen his grip. Even if it was just a movie, he wanted you to feel safe.

The movie was about half way through when the door to the drama room opened.

" Munson! Dude Jeff came up with-"

You and Eddie both sat up, moving a little bit away from each other.

"Gareth man what are you doing here?!" Eddie nearly shouted

" Hey to you too." Gareth said.

"Hey y/n."

" H-Hi Jeff." You said nervously.

Eddie looked back and forth between his friends and you. He didn't know you knew Jeff.

" What are you guys doing?" Gareth asked

" Uhh just watching a movie." Eddie and you said at the same time.

Gareth narrowed his eyes at Eddie and he narrowed his eyes back. Then smirked.

" Oh cool! Can I watch it too?" Jeff said squeezing between you and Eddie.

" Oh nice. Texas Chainsaw Massacre...this movie is brutal." Jeff said.

Eddie. Was. Pissed. He wanted to tell them to get the hell out of there. But he didn't.

Gareth came and pulled up a chair next to Eddie.

Gareth started to whisper to him. " Dude. I didn't know you were hanging out with her."

Eddie gave him a thin lip smile. He looked over to you. You and Jeff were chatting away. Eddie felt a wave of jealousy wash over him seeing you laugh at Jeff's jokes. He looked away trying to distract himself.

Gareth saw his best friend get irritated that they were there. He wanted to tell Eddie why they came in the first place. But Jeff now threw himself into the mix. So one friend wanted to stay and the other wanted them to leave.

Thankfully for Gareth but not you or Eddie someone else came in.

...

Mrs Adler was heading to the room to grab her list of plays as well as some fabric. She suddenly heard a chainsaw and a girl screaming. She opened the door.

" Mr Munson what did I say about sacrifices on school property?" She joked.

When the kids saw her they all stood up. Like they were hiding something. She narrowed her eyes at them. That's when she noticed you were there. A smirk creeped across her lips. Her plan seemed to be working.

" Sorry Mrs Adler. We were just watching a movie." You apologized.

Eddie went to pause the movie and looked at you. Shoving his hands in his pockets.

Mrs Adler caught that. She also caught how Jeff never took his eyes off you too.

" That's quite alright. I just came to grab a few things. Please feel free to continue."

Mrs Adler could feel the kids eyes on her as she went through some stuff. She grabbed three rolls of fabric and was going for a fourth when you came to help her.

" Thank you dear."

" You're welcome. Is there anything else you want me to grab for you?"

" Umm yes can you grab that pink roll for me and those two books." She pointed at the table.

You were gonna reach for them but Eddie grabbed them first along with taking the few rolls of fabric from Mrs Adler.

" Oh thank you Mr. Munson."

Eddie gave her a half smile. Which turned into a full blown smile when you smiled at him.

Mrs Adler snickered to herself. " umm oh gonna need that list on the table."

You went for it but now Jeff wanted to help. He picked up the list then took the roll of cloth away from you.

"y/n, Eddie and I can take care of it." Jeff said

" Oh. Umm okay...are you sure?"

Jeff nodded.

You glanced at Eddie and he shrugged.

As the boys helped Mrs Adler put the stuff in her car, she finally found it. 'The wrench'

" Thank you." She said " you guys behave now."

Jeff and Eddie stood there for a second to see her drive away.

" Hey Eddie? Are you and y/n like on a date?"

" Uhh no." He said nervously. " Why?"

" Oh I just didn't know you guys hung out. She's pretty cool. Super smart."

" Yeah. How do you know her?"

" We have math together."

" Oh."

" Yeah."

Eddie could sense Jeff's awkwardness. Did Jeff like you too? He had been Jeff's friend for a long time and he never mentioned liking anyone before. Besides the usual cheerleader or two.

As they walked back into the drama room you were gone.

" Hey where'd she go?" Eddie asked.

" She said she had to go home. Something about tutoring you." Gareth replied.

Eddie smirked to himself. He prayed to the gods that your parents would be cool about it.

He went back to the couch with Jeff.

" So what did you guys want to talk about?"

"I came up with a killer song. It's still in the works. So we're gonna need you to write some words for it." Jeff said

" Yeah? Okay. Let's go over it."

Jeff showed Eddie the music sheet. He could already hear it in his head.

" Shit man! This is good." Eddie grinned.

"Cool. So for your solo I totally thought you could come up with that and the words."

" Yeah. I think I might have something in mind." Eddie smiled thinking about you.

"Do you think it would be ready by Tuesday?" Gareth asked.

Eddie continued to look at the music sheet. "Uhh I'll let you know."

" Dude you're gonna have the ladies swarming you after you play that. Then you could have your pick of the litter and we can totally get the rest." Gareth smirked.

Gareth really didn't mean that. He just said it to see what Eddie's reaction to it was.

When Gareth said that all Eddie could think about was that he didn't want anyone else. That he just wanted you. He became a little uncomfortable at the thought of touching anyone else. He shoved away the thoughts and just sat there half listening to what Jeff and Gareth were talking about.

He already started to miss you. He was actually a little depressed that you didn't say bye. But he was happy that you were gonna talk to your parents.

...

Though it took way too much convincing and your brother vouching for Eddie. Your parents agreed to allow you to tutor him. With two conditions. One was that you guys never be alone in your room. You either had to tutor him in the den or at the dining table. With either your parents somewhere in the vicinity or with your brother present. The other was that it did not interfere with your studies.

When your brother was keeping an "eye" on you, he really wasn't. That's when you got to be alone with Eddie in your room.

As time went on you guys were very comfortable with one another. You guys started opening up to each other more and talking about your hopes and dreams. Getting super close. Not enough to call yourselves a couple. Just really good friends.

Eddie was so excited to see you after lunch one Monday morning. He had a surprise for you. He was waiting in theater class when you finally came in. He pulled you to the corner of the room to talk to you in private.

" Check this out sweetheart."

He held out a small packet. Your eyes widened as you took it.

" You got a C+! Holy Oleo!"

Eddie grinned. " I didn't know you could yodel."

You both smirk at the Batman reference.

" Oh Munson! See I knew you could do it."

" Yeah. It's hardly gonna get my grade up but-"

" It's a start."

He smiled. " Yeah... Thanks."

He was taken back from the impromptu hug you gave him. He didn't know he could miss being in someone's arms as much as he missed yours.

He hugged you back and breathed you in. He wanted to hold onto you forever.

He thought the hug lasted a little longer than normal. But he didn't care. He missed your warmth.

Then you started coughing. You pulled away to turn and cough into your elbow.

That didn't sound right to him. He was gonna ask if you were okay but Mrs Adler started addressing the class to take their seats.

You coughed again and he looked at you worried. Especially when you grabbed your chest like it hurt.

" Okay class. We are gonna watch a movie today. Well not so much a movie but a play. I officially would like to announce what play we will be performing. Drum roll Please."

Someone up front started banging on their desk.

Mrs Adler quickly glanced to the back of the class at you two and grinned. " The Two Gentlemen of Verona"

Most of your classmates didn't know the play. But you sure did. It's a tale of two best friends named Proteus and Valentine. One seeks to travel and the other seeks love. They travel to Milan where they both fall in love with Silvia. Silvia loves Valentine, but Proteus pursues her despite the fact he has a girlfriend at home. After an apology, Proteus and Valentine reconcile, Proteus loves his girlfriend again, and both couples marry.

It was a very good comedy. And you looked forward to whatever rolled you got.

" I will have the casting later on today. Please check out the announcement board to see what roles you will be performing."

Mrs Adler already chose who was gonna play who. But she liked the suspense. After all she was a drama teacher.

...

Ever since you walked home that day to talk to your parents about tutoring Eddie. You were feeling sick. It started to hurt while you breathed. Then you started to feel weak and you didn't really eat that much. Then the coughing started.

You were so tired all the time now. You had a hard time focusing on school work. Even around Eddie you didn't have the energy to feel how you always felt around him.

You finished out the school day with your brother picking you up. You barely had energy to walk to the car. So you avoided going to see what role you were to do. Instead you asked if he could take you to the clinic. Which he did. He had noticed you weren't looking so hot for a few days.

Turns out you got pneumonia. You gotten prescribed antibiotics and had to stay home for a few days. Your parents of course weren't too happy with that. So they picked up all your school work and made sure you finished every assignment.

Eddie hadn't seen you in a couple of days and he was worried. He felt terrible that you ended up that sick. So the first thing he did after he found out was buy a space heater for the drama room. He wanted to make sure you never got sick like that again. He started driving himself insane thinking about you. He missed seeing you. You still tutored him those few days but only over the phone. You seemed to be getting worse.

So that Friday he cancelled his campaign and decided to visit you. You had said something about your parents going out of town for the weekend. So he planned on helping your brother take care of you.

When he showed up your brother answered the door.

" Hey man."

" Hey. What's up? Y/n didn't say you were coming over."

" Yeah. I just came by to drop off some stuff." Eddie said holding a bag up.

" Oh cool. Come on in. She's in her room."

" Thanks man."

Eddie went down the hall. He heard what sounded like a lung being coughed up. When he finally got to your door it was open.

You were sitting up on your bed under the covers doing homework. Your hair was in a messy bun and you had your glasses on. Even though you looked like you were dying, to Eddie you were absolutely gorgeous.

" Hey sweetheart."

You turned to him. "H-Hi. What are you doing here?"

He walked to your bed and sat by your feet.

" I came with a care package." He said pulling open the bag.

You coughed. " You didn't have to do that."

" I know. I wanted to."

You gave him a small smile.

He cleared his throat. " So I brought cough medicine, cough drops, Vicks, a 7up, a humidifier and a couple cans of soup...oh and if you're up for it. I also brought a couple of movies. Chick flicks as a matter of fact."

You smiled and sniffled. " Thank you."

" You know. You really should be resting."

" Yeah. But I have to get this work done."

Eddie then proceeded to take your text book and notebook. Getting up and placing them on the desk. He took off his jacket and shoes before returning to you.

"You uhhh have a habit of making yourself at home huh?"

"Sure do." He smirked

He pulled out the humidifier. "Where can I fill this sweetheart?"

" Umm the bathroom is just down the hall to the left." You said. Coughing again.

Eddie went to fill it up and came back. He plugged it in and went to sit by your feet again.

You were about to say something but then decided against it. You were really exhausted.

Eddie gave you the couch medicine and pulled back the blanket from your feet. He was just about to take off your socks when you gave him a look.

" What are you doing Munson?"

" I uhhh. My uncle used to put Vicks on the bottom of my feet when I was sick and it really helped."

You nodded then took some of the medicine.

Eddie took off your socks and started rubbing Vicks on your feet. You slightly jerked when he first touched them. Making him chuckle.

" Sorry." You said softly.

" Are you apologizing for being ticklish?"

You smiled. " Are you ticklish?"

" Uhhh fortunately I'm not."

You tilted your head and frowned. " What's it like?"

He mimicked your tilt. " What's what like?"

" Being God's favorite?"

Eddie's smile took your breath away. It always did.

" I don't know about his favorite. Maybe the Prince of darkness though."

" Oh please...a person who is as kind and funny and caring as you can't be anything other than an angel."

His smile got a whole lot bigger. "Flattery works with me. So..."

"So you bring medicine to all your friends when they're sick."

" Uhhh. Not exactly." He said nervously.

"What makes me so special?"

" Well...I like you...can't let my only girlfriend be sick."

Girlfriend?!

" I uhh sorry" he quickly corrected himself. " I mean girl who is a friend. Who is also helping me pass Mrs O'Donnells. Can't let you go just yet."

Awww

" Yeah....of course." You faked a smile. But felt your heart sink. " I see you're only using me for my brain."

" Well it is a big brain. You should learn to share." He joked.

You gave him a thin lip smile.

Did he just fuck up? Did he hurt your feelings by saying that? Or did he push you away? He felt so terrible for calling you something you weren't. Though he wanted you to be. His girlfriend that is.

Shit you should be. He thought

" So umm did you happen to see what characters we are for the play?" You asked because you didn't wanted to think about what was just said.

Was he only your friend because you could help him? Or was he around because he actually liked spending time with you? Also, the whole girl who is a friend hurt more than you thought it would.

" Oh yeah." Eddie put your socks back on and covered them. " I'm supposed to play Valentine."

" Nice."

Eddie didn't want to tell you who played Sylvia.

Please be Sylvia. Please be Sylvia.

"And me?"

Eddie sighed to himself. " Julia."

You nodded. You actually felt like you could play Julia. She was supposed to be really funny. And you could do that. But now that Eddie was Valentine you wanted to be Sylvia. You had half hoped he would be Proteus, so that you guys could finally kiss. But no. You weren't that lucky.

" Jeff is Proteus." Eddie sounded bummed.

" Oh...He should be good." You sounded bummed too.

" Yeah he's a good guy."

You gave him a half-hearted smile. " And Sylvia?

Eddie watched as you laid down, bringing the blanket up to your chin.

He could feel you shivering.

"uhh... Chrissy Cunningham."

"O-oh...."

Of course Chrissy would be Sylvia.

So now not only did you have to pretend to be in love with Jeff and kiss him. But you had to see Eddie talk and look at Chrissy like he loved her.

" Yeah...should be interesting." Eddie implied

You stood quiet. You actually wanted to cry. But you didn't.

Eddie felt the tension. He wanted you to be Sylvia. It would have been so perfect. A great excuse to finally kiss you. Now he would have to kiss Chrissy, then probably get his ass kicked by Jason and his buddies.

" Hey y/n?"

"Hmmm?"

" Are you cold?"

" Yeah." You said just above a whisper.

" Umm...can I lay with you?" He asked.

" uhh yeah. Sure."

Why would he want to? This was getting weird. But you would never pass up the opportunity to have Eddie Munson in your bed. Even if it was platonically.

Eddie moved and got under the blanket.

" Can I..."

You lifted your head so he could put his arm underneath you.

You turned towards him and put your head on his chest.

" Is this okay Eddie?"

"Y-yeah"

You couldn't decide where to put your hands.

Eddie felt how tense you were.

" Just get comfortable sweetheart. Let me warm you up."

You nodded and brought one hand close to your chest and one had rested on his.

His scent was amazing. A mixture of sandalwood and citrus. There was a lingering smell of cigarettes and a little weed. But it just added to the already delightful aroma.

You wanted to bury your face in his neck and breathe him in until you went insane. But this was enough. Maybe too much. But you didn't care. You were laying on Eddie's chest.

When he felt you relax he wrapped his other arm around you and started rubbing your arm. This was perfect. Even though you were sick, him holding you was everything to him. Being here, taking care of you, spending time with you.

"Thank you Eddie...for everything." You said sleepily

" Anything for you sweetheart." He whispered.

As soon as he heard your soft little moans he gently pulled off your glasses and set them on the nightstand. When he went back to hug you, you moved so close your breast were touching his ribs. You moved your arm to hold onto him with your thigh moving so that it rested on top of his.

This was absolutely wonderful. The holding onto each other, the comfortability you felt to subconsciously do that. Eddie loved this more than anything he had ever experienced. Though it was a tad bit hard for him to talk down his erection. He was successful. His body sank deep into your very comfortable bed and even more into your very fluffy pillows.

"Y/n?"

You moved your head a little, but you didn't respond.

He whispered. " I wish I could kiss you."

He hugged you just a little tighter. Before he knew it. He fell asleep too.

...

@salenorona23 @ghosttownwherenoonegoes @idkidknemore @hiscrimsonangel @hellv1ra @browneyes528 @b-irock

[ficklecat]

AW HELL YEAH OC THIRSTY THURSDAYS ARE BACK

8, 18, 25 FOR THE EPIPHYTES BAYBEEEEE

25 freebie: what would they do if they encountered a ghost? 👻👻

HAHAHA I so appreciate the hype 😭😭😭 (and that last one 😜)

8. What do you think had the biggest impact on you growing up?

Violet: “Definitely my parents’ divorce. Always stuck in the middle, watching my mom try to push her regrets away and force a do-over onto me, my dad always trying to play the good guy…it sucked. It made me feel and believe a lot of things that weren’t true - about love, about myself - and I really had to figure it out on my own. I love my parents, but I wish they didn’t imprint their struggles onto me. I’m just grateful I can recognize it now and overcome it. Having better people in my life really helps that.”

Manny: “I would say it is a combination of things but a big impact was my father being here without my mother. Growing up without a mother present, but knowing she is still living and still loving you from so far away is so strange and at times very hard. My papa obviously had a difficult time but he never considered himself a ‘single father’ in the sense that he did not have the support of a wife. He taught me to be hopeful and optimistic and to carry love in my heart no matter how heavy it is because of that. My mama has been trying to come back to this country with my brother for a very long time now, we try not to give up on this hope but it is difficult. I miss her, but I do not know her very well, I was so young when she was made to leave. As a child it is tough to understand that absence, you can get jealous of other children and families. But I am glad she’s still on this earth, and we can call and write and still have a relationship even though she is so far away.”

Finn: “My trauma.”

18. What’s the best way to cheer you up?

Violet: “Honestly just spend time with me. Hugs or cuddles, watch a movie, give me my favorite snacks. I want to be babied a bit when I’m upset, I’ll admit it. But I mean it works, you know? How can I be sad or upset when I’m cuddled up in blankets and someone I love is feeding me snacks or holding me or giving me kisses? Even at my worst, it helps so much to feel cherished like that.”

Manny: “Making me laugh or taking me outside never fails! Sometimes when I am down it’s hard for me to find laughter but I have to let myself do it, and Violet is especially good at this for me. She will always know what to do or say to get a good chuckle from me, like showing me funny TikTok videos or recalling fun times. I find great comfort in that!”

Finn: “Repeated reassurance from people I love. When things are hard I need to be told everything is ok, or that I’m safe or that no one is going to hurt me or leave me. Sometimes it seems like it doesn’t work because I don’t necessarily ‘cheer up,’ I’m not a particularly cheerful guy to begin with, but it alleviates the pain. It’s a tedious thing, I know, but I need it to feel right again. I can logically get there myself, but it’s much more difficult without reinforcement from my loved ones.”

25: what would they do if they encountered a ghost?

Violet: “I totally believe in ghosts, so I’d probably have a TON of questions. If it’s like an evil ghost or something I’d probably try not to give it my name or acknowledge it so it doesn’t get power or whatever. But if it’s just a regular ghost I’d absolutely try to ask it about the afterlife and death and what it’s capable of and all that. I’d be so fascinated. Scared a little of course but like, it’s a ghost.”

Manny: “I think I would have a difficult time understanding what I was seeing. I am unsure about whether I believe in ghosts and spirits and all of that, and growing up in a Christian household I think it would challenge my understanding of the world. I am not particularly religious, but it would have me wondering. Maybe I would go to church again if I was scared enough for my eternal soul!”

Finn: “I don’t believe in ghosts. So I’d probably try to first determine if it was real. But aside from that…I’m not sure. I think I wouldn’t want to know too much. Death is comforting to me, and ghosts are essentially - in some form - an antithesis to that. I think I’d probably be more frightened to know that they exist more than of the ghost itself.”

[agameforgoodchristians]

“God Planning Your Pain to Make a Point” (John 9:1-3) [A Guest Card Talk]

“God Planning Your Pain to Make a Point” (John 9:1-3)

A Guest Card Talk by Matthew E. Henry*

It’s What You See

As [Jesus] walked along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God’s works might be revealed in him. … When he had said this, he spat on the ground and made mud with the saliva and spread the mud on the man’s eyes, saying to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam”…Then he went and washed and came back able to see. (From The Gospel According to John 9:1-7, NRSV)

As a poet and educator, a quote from Henry David Thoreau is often on my mind: it’s not what you look at that matters, but what you see. There’s a lot in John chapter 9 to be seen, and it would be easy to focus on all of the blindness, the lack of sight in this story: 

The man at the center of the story is literally blind. (vs 1)

The disciples’ lack of understanding and metaphoric blindness before the healing takes place. (vs 2-7)

How, after sight is granted to the formerly blind man, the Pharisees and the crowd display a lack of belief (spiritual blindness) by questioning if the man was even really blind to begin with, and then driving his whole family out of their religious community for their dealings with Jesus. (vs 8-41)

All of these elements are fair game, clearly build upon each other, and are a part of the central point of the passage. It’s also what I was taught as a kid in Sunday School. But this was never the first thing I saw. I was always deeply bothered by this flannel graph favorite, but it took me years to understand what was staring me right in the face: the blindness of Jesus.

maybe Jesus needed more time to think the disciples asked Him whose sin blinded this man from birth: his, his parents? appalled, Martha cannot believe in this Jesus whose deaf answer trembles her Bible closed. so that you could see the power of God? she remembers the eyes which accused her of lapses in prenatal care. questioned her fidelity. found lawful cause for his tiny body’s chronic rebellion against its own good. as the pastor reads His response, she finds their false blame better— more acceptable—than sons suffering for parlor tricks, divine object lessons.  

~ MEH 

What Do We Deserve?

From the outset, this story is a theological and emotional rollercoaster. Jesus sees a man who is blind, and since this is Jesus, we assume a healing is forthcoming. But before He can open His mouth, His disciples ask a provocative question:

“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”  (vs2)

The disciples see someone in pain and ask a question accusing the man and his family of being so sinful that he deserves his aliment. The implication is plain: natural pain, illness, or sickness is the result of sin. We get what we deserve, which may include bearing the burden of our parents’ sin.

Look, I’m a high school teacher. I have no problem with basic “cause and effect” logic when it comes to consequences. You didn’t do your homework or study, so you failed the test. You tipped back in your chair, so you fell over. You said something racist/sexist/homophobic to the wrong person on the right day, so now you walk with a limp. Speeding can cause an accident. Unprotected sex can result in an STD. Uncritical voting practices can, ironically, lead to the downfall of democracy. These are outcomes easy to understand. But most of us will balk at the idea that we “deserve” an effect that is not a direct result of something we ourselves caused.

To some degree we can begrudgingly accept the reality that the decisions that others make, especially our parents, can have a negative impact on us. Ask the family, significant other, coworker, or employee of abusers, alcoholics, emotional manipulators, gamblers, or any other shitty people. We can all be hurt by the actions of others, but to say we “deserve” that hurt is unhealthy. [Pause: if you don’t think this is true, you are probably in an abusive situation, as your friends have been telling you for years. Listen to them. Get out.]

The beginnings of Jesus’ responses bears out the truth of this:

 Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned… (vs 3a)

YES, Jesus! Smack down their highly problematic theological assertion—their backward hamartiology imputing sin on the innocent. This is where the story should: Jesus drops this knowledge, heals the man who is blind, and they all go out to throw loan sharks out of the Temple. But the problem is that Jesus keeps (f**king) talking…

 “…he was born blind so that God’s works might be revealed in him.” (vs 3b)

Seriously Jesus: WTF?

Let’s really stop and unpack this.

In answering thier question, Jesus says that this man’s decades of blindness was preordained by God—presumably before the foundations of the earth were lain—as a “parlor trick” or “divine object lesson” for the benefit of the disciples (and presumably everyone else who would come in contact with the healed man, whether in person, or reading his story in the Christian New Testament). Yes. The number of people impacted by this miraculous event is an amazing witness. And no doubt the formerly blind man was very grateful for his healing (you know, save for the whole having his life of pain questioned and his family run out of town thing, which undoubtedly sucked). But, again, let’s really look at what this means.

Let’s propose a new scenario: a mother has a child with a serious physical or cognitive limitation which significantly harms the child’s quality of life. She hears this story being preached by her pastor/priest from the pulpit one Sunday morning. What would she take away from this tale?

It’s one thing to believe an almighty God is doing the Divine’s Best to redeem all our free will actions—that “all things working together for good” (Romans 8:28) means that God is exerting effort in the face of the causes and effects that lead to our pain. Call it “natural evil,” or “a result of The Fall,” or “nature red in tooth an claw,” or “shit happens,” this mother, like many of us, can begrudgingly accept this idea when it comes to “why bad things happen.”

But it is another thing entirely to ask this woman if she is comfortable serving a God who believes that the ends justify the means. Asking her to accept a utilitarian model of theodicy—achieving “the most good for the most people” means that some people have to suffer by divine design. What could she take away other than false hope or anger at the prospect that maybe, hopefully, there is “some good reason” that God has for directly causing her child pain?

That might be a shit-filled pill too large to swallow.

It Gets Worse

I am not the only person who thinks this. Other characters in the Bible do as well. If we continue reading The Gospel According to John, a couple of chapters later we come to a story about Lazarus—a close friend of Jesus—whose situation is placed in relation to this story about the man who was formerly blind.

In John chapter 11, when Lazarus get very very ill, his sisters—Mary and Martha—send word to Jesus that His beloved friend is close to death. Upon hearing this news, Jesus responds, “This illness does not lead to death; rather, it is for God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it” (vs 4b) [sound familiar?]. He then hangs out for another two days until he receives word that Lazarus has died. Eventually, Jesus makes the trip to see Lazarus’ body, which has now been in the tomb for four whole days. But, just like with the blind man, Jesus is unfazed because He had a plan, knew what He was doing all along. Yes, healings are great, but by now you should see the pattern and the problem.

If Jesus could heal him, why should Lazarus have to suffer like this—his body wracked with pain, alternating between fever and chills, gasping for each labored breath? And what about the people who love Lazarus and must watch him suffer? They attempted to cool his body, relieve his pain, force him to eat something, tell him everything is going to be alright when they didn’t believe it themselves. Being so concerned for the welfare of their brother, for the first and only time recorded, Mary and Martha try to cash in on their long-standing friendship with Jesus, desperately believing that He had the power to save him (See 21-27; 32).

But it’s not only Lazarus’ family who feels this way, but the friends gathered around who knew the power of Jesus. So much so they reference his previous encounter with the formerly blind man:

Jesus began to weep. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?” (vs 35-37)

Again, yes, to exist on this planet means we will suffer in various ways, including our bodies rebelling against us and those we love. Ugly and painful deaths are also built into the system. Thus, the fact that Jesus heals anyone in the Bible is wonderful. But don’t miss the rationale given for the illness, for the death. Don’t be blind to the Bible’s own words. Jesus said Lazarus was sick “…for God’s glory, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it” (vs 4b). God becomes the cause of this effect and it forces one, or at least me to, respectfully, call theological bullshit.

 An Uncomfortable Way of Seeing

As I’ve grown older, my Sunday school discomfort has been tempered by my life as a writer and educator. It’s led me to wonder if these self-referential stories have fallen prey to a common literary issue: the narrative plot hole.

Sometimes an author is so wrapped up in the point that they are trying to make that they don’t think through the implications of all the details; They are so focused on the big picture, the major theme and motifs running through a work, the finer point get lost. It’s the same reason why medical shows are eviscerated by doctors, sci-fi movies by physicists, and police procedurals by civil rights lawyers. Some would call this a blasphemous thought. I recommend those people to not read any of the other posts on this website. But I think this way of seeing is better than the alternative.

I won’t dive into the depth of what this way of seeing requires in terms of “the inerrancy of Scripture,” “divine inspiration of Scripture,” and the variety of other hermeneutical concerns some would raise. I am aware of them, but if you’re bothered by this, you’ll probably hate my answers for those. But I will provide one for the Bible nerds: this view of Jesus/God in the Gospels is singular to John. What do I mean? This idea that physical ailments are a result of sin or God’s divine plans in this particular way, only shows up in The Gospel According to John. It is not present in in the Synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark, or Luke).

Neither the Lazarus story in chapter 11 or our principle story in chapter 9 are found in the other gospels. In Mark 8:22-26 there is a blind man being healed story that is similar to the John narrative, but among the many differences there is no mention of sinfulness or the idea that God plans such pain for people. Going for the trifecta, John provides a third story that suggests that disability is tied to sin.

In John 5:1-18, Jesus comes across a man who is paraplegic. Jesus heals the man before going on His merry way, but it’s the aftermath that we see this uniquely Johannine theology of suffering:

Now the man who had been healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had disappeared into the crowd that was there. Later Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, “See, you have been made well! Do not sin any more, so that nothing worse happens to you.”  (vs 13-14)

Again, this story is not contained in the other three gospels. Make of that what you will, but it seems pretty clear the writer(s) of John had a way of looking at things that was not shared by the other gospel writers. Maybe three out of four gospels agree that the idea that physical suffering being a part of the divine plan is simply a wrongheaded idea. I guess you get to decide who you agree with.

But, to paraphrase this game’s creators, what do I know? I’m just a poet and you probably think I’m going to Hell.

* Dr. Matthew E. Henry (MEH) is the Boston-born educator, editor, and author of six books of poetry, including The Third Renunciation (New York Quarterly Books, 2023). The Third Renunciation is a collection of theological sonnets, wherein the poem featured above is published.

He was also the editor of A Game for Good Christian’s This Present Former Glory: An Anthology of Honest Spiritual Literature

Dr. Henry received his MFA in poetry from Seattle Pacific University, yet continued to spend money he didn’t have completing a MA in theology (Andover Newton Theological School) and a PhD in education (Lesley University). But he should not be confused with the long dead, white, theologian. His work can be found at www.MEHPoeting.com and on Twitter (he will never call it X) at @MEHPoeting.