#I will never fail to understand my parents logic

[laserbobcat]

A WIP i'll never finish, i tried! I started this before march and will never finish it properly. I'm glad I had the energy to at least clean the last panels enough. I was trying a new style/process and it doesn't stick. Anyway, I'll just tell the rest of the story since I (probably) won't draw it, and maybe some of you like to read:

Nari turns into a god again, to his surprise. Turns out it's because the Lamb fucked up a new age reversing ritual they're trying out, and turned themselves into a baby. Too weak of a vessel, so the crown had to jump ships back to him. Narinder enjoys this IMMENSELY. Makes a dramatic evil laugh and give some kind of speech about how the Lamb is stupid and he's the boss now. He tells Aym and Baal to babysit the Lamb until they're old enough to be trained like they both were and "Maybe this time around they will learn obedience" and exits- also dramatically. The cultists start to panic, what the hell is that giant god, what do you mean it's Narinder are you kidding me? The tsundere Lamb's friend? The grumpy fisherman? Oh no what are we gonna do without the Lamb etc etc... Until Leshy laughs out loud and says "Just ignore him and wait a day or two, he's gonna get tired of bossing people around and miss his precious Lamb. He'll find a solution." Aym deadpan says five, Leshy says five days seems too long he'll cave in sooner than that, but Baal says "No we mean five minutes." And BAM the temple's door open again and Narinder is here yelling MORTALS I need you to remember EXACTLY the words they made you chant, I need it to reverse the ritual!

He quickly realized that this Lamb will not be HIS Lamb, HIS lamb is gone for good if he doesn't cook some good magic real quick. And that's the start of a period of time where Nari has to bust his ass trying to undo the Lamb's failed magic. I had bunch of stuff in mind, including: -Lambie being the worst and most insufferable baby ever. No one sleeps on their watch, and no one gets to be distracted for a second otherwise they start eating rocks. their yell is the loudest noise ever heard. The goat is a joke next to them. Everyone has the tired parent trait now. -Narinder smashing people to death when they're annoying and distracting him from his research. He adds their name to "the resurrection list" for the Lamb to deal with later. The followers somehow get used to it. -Morgan trying his best to keep Leshy away from his irritated brother, despite his intense need to annoy him at the worst time possible. -Narinder yelling "Fetch me my thinking Lamb!" and then squishing the baby between two fingers like a squeaky toy to help him focus (the baby enjoys that) -Saleos and Irene forcing a huge ass exhausted and irritable 19 feet god to take a rest, maybe go fishing to get some air. -Narinder accidentally hitting his head on the door frame of the temple. A lot. -Narinder reluctantly having to officiate the important rituals "I don't care about your damn crops but let's get this over with- NO we're not having an exhibitionist dance go back to work!" -Thena having to read most of the Lamb's writing for him because they write in cursive that is so pretty it's unreadable -Thena making him realize how much work the Lamb is doing everyday. Narinder keeps in mind that he will have to make him rest later. The end would be Narinder finally managing to reverse the ritual, and a butt naked, befuddled adult Lamb appearing on the floor of the temple. Narinder takes the crown off of his head and throws it at their face, and yells at them while changing back into his mortal form and stomping out of the temple: "You IDIOT baby god trying to CREATE new magics when you're not even able to master the old ones completely I CAN'T BELIEVE you would try something so stupid do you even realize how much of a pain in the ass it was to understand your weird logic and clean your mess I SWEAR if you ever do something like that I'll let you rot in whatever pit you dig for yourself AND DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE RESURRECTION LIST-" And slams the door on his way out, leaving the lamb astounded.

Cut to Narinder getting back to his house in his tree, and flopping on his bed, exhausted. He massages his arms, visibly relieved to have them back to normal, without the pain. He sighs with a little smile, stretches, curls into a ball and falls asleep.

That's how the lamb finds him later when they carefully come to talk to him after hearing about all of what happened. Except the black cat loaf on the bed changed into a baby.

Rinse and repeat.

[rafecameronssl4t]

My say || Rafe Cameron x fem!reader

Summary: an argument between reader and rafe about having a nanny for your son.

Warnings: heavy angst!!! Mentions of breastfeeding

Word count: 1,283

A/n: I hope this kinda gvives you a better insight of what reader x rafe's relationship is like!! I AM SO EXCITED TO CONTINUE WRITING FOR THIS AU!!! send thru any requests you might have :)

MASTERLIST (forced marriage au masterlist)

divider by @h-aewo

“Y/n, you can’t be serious,” Rafe says, his voice laced with disbelief as he stares at you, searching your face for any sign that you might be joking. But your expression remains unyielding, eyes steady as you readjust Leo in your arms, his small hands clutching at you as he feeds. “I’m serious,” you say, your tone casual as you shrug, though the gravity of your words lingers heavily between you.

The tension in the room is palpable. Rafe scoffs, a bitter sound escaping his lips as he shakes his head in disbelief. Without another word, he pushes himself up from the couch, his movements stiff with frustration. He crosses the room with purposeful strides, heading straight for the bar cart. The clink of the whisky bottle against the glass is sharp in the silence, followed by the harsh slam of the glass hitting the cart, the sound echoing through the stillness of the room.

“He hasn’t even turned one yet, and you’re already considering leaving him in the care of someone we don’t even know?” Rafe’s voice is strained with disbelief, his eyes narrowing as he struggles to grasp your logic. . “What is this really about? You want more time for yourself? To get your hair and nails done, meet up with your friends, take boat rides?” His voice is laced with incredulity, each word carrying a mix of accusation and frustration as if he can’t believe you would even consider such a thing.

“You want to hand him over to a stranger—someone who doesn’t know his little habits, his cries, the way he needs to be held to fall asleep?” Rafe’s words tumble out in a rush, his voice thick with a blend of incredulity and concern. It’s as if he can’t even comprehend how you could entertain the idea, the very thought seeming impossible to him.

You let out a soft, disbelieving snort, shaking your head. “And you do, Rafe? You think you know him better than anyone else?” Your voice drips with sarcasm as you meet his gaze, your eyes daring him to challenge you. “When was the last time you were the one pacing the floor at 3 in the morning, trying to calm him down? When have you spent hours figuring out his cries, trying to understand what he needs?”

Rafe stares at you, his expression a mix of frustration and disbelief. “You’re his mother—” But before he can finish, you cut him off, your voice trembling with a mix of anger and desperation. “And I’m trying, Rafe! I’m trying so hard, but it never feels like enough. I can’t seem to get it right, no matter what I do.” Your voice cracks as the weight of your words hangs between you, the raw vulnerability in your tone cutting through the tension like a knife.

“I’m 21, for heaven’s sake!” you exclaim, your frustration boiling over. “I’m still figuring this out, and every day feels like a battle. I’m doing my best, but it’s like I’m constantly failing.” The words spill out in a rush, your voice wavering with the pressure of trying to live up to expectations that feel impossible to meet.

Rafe’s eyes narrow as he leans forward, his voice biting, “Don’t sit there and pretend you weren’t raised for this,” Rafe says, his voice cold and cutting. “You knew from the moment your parents arranged this marriage that your role was to be a mother. They didn’t raise you to chase dreams or find yourself—they raised you to bear children, to fulfill your duty as a wife. So don’t act like this is some surprise or burden you weren’t prepared for.”

You feel a sharp pang in your chest as Rafe’s harsh words sink in, his coldness taking you by surprise. For a moment, you’re too stunned to respond, the sting of his accusation cutting deeper than you expected. You roll your eyes, more out of defense than annoyance, trying to push the hurt aside. Exhaling slowly, you steady yourself, refusing to let him see how much his words have affected you.

“Leo will have a nanny,” you say, your voice firmer than you feel. “This isn’t up for debate.” The words come out with a finality that leaves no room for argument, though the hurt lingers beneath your resolve. “End of conversation.” Rafe pinches the bridge of his nose, his frustration boiling over into raw anger.

“No, he will not!” he snaps, his voice sharp and intense. “I won’t have a stranger looking after our son—my son!” His words are a burst of anger, his eyes blazing as he struggles to contain the fury coursing through him. You roll your eyes again, your patience wearing thin as Rafe's anger fuels your own frustration.

“You’re being dramatic, Rafe,” you retort, trying to keep your tone steady despite your mounting irritation. “In my family, we all had nannies before we were even four months old—” But before you can finish, Rafe’s voice rises in a harsh yell that slices through your words. “This is our family, Y/N!” he shouts, his frustration exploding into full-blown anger.

“Our family! Not just yours. We don’t have to raise our children the way your parents did!” His voice echoes with the force of his rage, the intensity of his glare adding to the weight of his outburst. His voice reverberates off the walls, filling the room with a palpable tension as Leo starts to fuss.

His soft whimpers quickly escalate into full-blown cries, the sound piercing through the charged atmosphere. You flinch at the noise, your heart tightening with a mix of anger and frustration. “Will you lower your voice?” you snap, your own frustration surfacing as you hastily adjust your top, trying to soothe Leo by bouncing him gently in your arms.

Rafe runs a hand through his buzz cut, letting out a loud, exasperated sigh. His shoulders are tense as he plants his hands on his hips, watching you with a mixture of frustration and disbelief while you struggle to soothe Leo. “Look what you’ve done,” you say sharply, your voice cracking with frustration as you glare at him. “He was perfectly calm before you started yelling.”

Rafe’s eyes flash with irritation as he retorts, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Yeah, yeah, blame it all on me,” he snaps, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He turns and heads towards the door, clearly ready to escape the charged atmosphere. As he walks past you, you reach out and grip his arm, the strength in your hold betraying your desperation.

He stops and looks down at you, his expression softening slightly as he registers the plea in your eyes. “Please, just don’t argue with me right now,” you say, your voice dropping to a softer, more vulnerable tone. “Leo will be better off with someone who knows what they’re doing.” The earnestness in your plea hangs heavy in the air, cutting through the tension.

Rafe takes a deep breath, the anger in his eyes giving way to a more contemplative look. “I get to choose who the nanny is,” he says, his voice still firm but less harsh. You nod slowly, a quiet resignation in your expression as you release his arm, allowing him to leave.

[saisaixchan]

If I were to give a general estimation as to when i think Maomao gained romantic feelings for Jinshi, it would have been at the end of LN4

Jinshi saves Maomao from her kidnapping, and she returns to working as the Verdigris House's Apothecary. With Jinshi's true status revealed, Maomao assumes she's never going to see him again

She thinks about this a lot, about how she's too low born for someone of his status to ever see her, and how he doesn't even need her help with his injury anyway, because Luoman is at the rear palace now. There's no logical reason for them to ever see each other again. And it itches at her

And so she starts her experiments again, harming herself. There doesn't seem to be a purpose for the concoctions she's making either, as if she's trying to treat something with no obvious cause. Something too deep for the failed medicines to reach

So she goes to cut off her finger. Specifically, her left pinky finger.

Again, there doesn't seem to be a purpose for this behavior at all- until you remember that her mother cut off the tip of her left pinky, out of anguish and rage at Lakan for abandoning her. Fengxian's love for Lakan is the reason her mother harmed her.

Maomao relates that particular finger of her's to romantic love, because of her parent's tragic love story and the trauma it caused her

Maomao knows how stupid love can make even the most intelligent of people, and has consciously and subconsciously avoided it, because she doesn't want to experience that same sort of attachment and hurt. She's heard her parent's story, heard stories of those seeking love at the Verdigris House, how courtesan's speak about love in hushed tones, and how it always ended in pain for everyone involved

But when she thinks she's never going to see Jinshi again, she goes to cut off her left pinky finger, as if on instinct. The finger she associates with romantic love. The same action Fengxian did, when she thought she'd been abandoned by Lakan.

Maomao is doing the exact same thing as her mother, for the exact same reasons.

It's only when Jinshi walks in through the door that Maomao unties her pinky and puts away the knife, and returns to her normal self.

It's one of those things where - I don't think even Maomao understands the reasons behind her actions here. Something was bothering her, something deep, and she went to the only solution she could think of to fix it- cutting off the piece of her that she associates with romantic love- but she stops feeling that subconscious itch as soon as Jinshi comes to see her. As soon as he's back in her life, things are right again, and she stops hurting herself

it's a moment i think about a lot, and it's one of my favorites in the series, because of what it represents for Maomao specifically. it says a lot about her character and how she feels about Jinshi, even if it takes years for those feelings to fully bloom

[utilitycaster]

I follow someone who peaced out of C3 like a month ago, and while she still throws out the occasional post about it, despite mostly running on ✨vibes✨ since pre-Predathos fight. one of her latest takes caught my attention. The wording was a little messy, but the core argument seemed like it might have a point. She’s saying the biggest issue with the story is a lack of internal logic, which makes the characters feel kind of disconnected from their own world and setting. Her main example was the Schism, like, the general idea that the Titans were bad news for mortals should be widely accepted, and they’re dead so they’re not coming back even if the gods leave. She also argues that the idea that the gods would always choose each other over mortals isn’t really backed up by history. Basically, she thinks Bells Hells ignore some of the fundamental structures of modern religion in Exandria, which in turn makes a lot of their arguments about the gods fall apart.

So I guess I’m wondering does it seem like there’s a lack of internal logic to you? C3 is my first campaign, so I’ve been piecing together older lore as I go, and I can’t tell if this is a niche take or if there’s some bigger context I’m missing.

Yes. Or rather, I have a couple of different guesses as to what happened. In short: I think that either Matt wanted to set up a big dilemma and failed to do the worldbuilding to really support it textually; he didn't have a clear vision of what this would be at all (HUGE fucking mistake, like, actually concerning me re: the potential of a 4th campaign level of mistake and I hope it's not that); or, alternately, and honestly right now my guess is that this was the case, he straight up did not think the characters would be such selfish dickbags and thought going in that this would be a clear "we have to stop Predathos" and intended the familial connections within the Vanguard and the scene in Hearthdell to be added nuance to provide some understanding of the Vanguard not as simply mindless evil monsters but people who have genuine grievances that have been exploited by predatory cult leaders, and was not prepared for a campaign where the party immediately took the Vanguard's side.

Religion in Exandria has never been super formalized or organized. Some of this is, of course, that you don't have to like, convert or even attend services if you have a relationship with a god. But as a result, it means that any exploration of religion as hegemonic falls apart. I am not saying religion needs to fit the regular daily or weekly practices many people irl have (depending on one's levels of observance), and those characters whose powers canonically involve a deity often do observe either restrictions (Caduceus's vegetarianism) or have some form of meditative personal worship, but we never see like, a system of worship outside of Vasselheim, and Vasselheim lacks the powers that the real-world pope has (let alone the medieval era pope). Tuldus was forced by his family to pray, but it's never depicted as part of How All Worshipers of That God are expected to behave. This is really the crux of a lot of problems with this campaign - people keep taking very individualized issues - which are real, but individual - and treating them as a sign of widespread oppression that simply isn't backed up by the text. In fact, the biggest case of widespread religiously-involved oppression is the Empire going after worshipers of illegal Prime Deities (as we see with the Schuesters - the parents are arrested, leaving their young children to fend for themselves) - and the biggest case of widespread proselytizing and missionary work is from the canonically theocratic (and ruled by one person for over a millennium) Kryn Dynasty, which, hilariously, might end up even more powerful given that the Luxon - the source of their religion, their philosophy and cultural practices, and their arcane prowess - has been brought up as relevant to the gods-become-mortal plan by the Raven Queen and seems to not be under any threat from Predathos, and might even get more powerful. Vasselheim's colonial efforts, while certainly not defensible, are small potatoes.

The player character's grievances against the gods all boil down to "I prayed to the gods and they didn't make my life better" while failing to consider that a combination of genuinely wild specific personal circumstances (being Ruidusborn; being the child of an elemental-worship cult with terrible instincts and later running a heist on a Vanguard collaborator; being a shadow sorcerer who caught the eye of an evil Vecna-worshipping wizard in need of a host body) are the root cause. It's like. If your parents kick you out for being gay, that's homophobia, but if your parents are part of a cult that blows itself up and you are orphaned as a result that is not systemic oppression, that is a very specific cult and shitty parents. So that fails to really ground them in the setting. Compare to campaign 2, where Caleb wants to ensure the Volstrucker program is brought to light and eliminated - as he says, no more children on the pyre - vs. here, where arguably Laudna and Ashton are opening the door to far more unregulated cult/evil necromancy shenanigans now entirely unmitigated by the gods. At least Imogen will probably end the Ruidusborn I guess, as a side effect completely unrelated to her actual goals (which are, frankly, unclear) In a campaign that talks about tethers, the characters seem untethered to anything - institution, place, even for the most part family, and only loosely to each other, and it shows in their lack of care.

The other part is that yeah, a lot of things that were given to the Mighty Nein and Vox Machina as "things people would know" aren't given to Bells Hells. Now this could have a mechanical basis, namely, no one has much of a formal education and most of them are also not terribly intelligent on their own. However, it does feel baffling that they can't recognize holy symbols, or don't know the story of the titans at the time of the Schism (which...setting aside the many issues with the concept of "history is written by the victors" which is both inconsistently true in the first place and is frequently used in an anti-intellectual manner to undermine historical study that points out such things as historical racism; just because history might be inaccurate that does not mean that wild speculation otherwise is necessarily true, especially since we do know from EXU Calamity that titans did, indeed, intend to side with the Betrayers against mortals at the start of the Calamity). It furthers this feeling, after Vox Machina being relatively educated even in a story that was not as worldbuilding-focused, and the Mighty Nein having multiple research-oriented characters and a party deeply rooted in a rich world, that Bells Hells feel off and adrift and ignorant, especially since they don't even seem to remember history they lived through such as the Apex War.

Honestly, what I think is most interesting actually is that we don't ever get anyone express a motivation based on structural oppression in-game. Ludinus never got over his parents dying in a war where the options for the Prime Deities were leave mortals to die or fight the Betrayers, knowing there will be devastating casualties, but in setting up his elaborate plot he murdered countless people, destroyed through his communing with Predathos the first rebuilt elven society in Western Wildemount, and participated in actual structural oppression within the Dwendalian empire for literal centuries; he cared not for any widespread liberation and would remain on top, as an archmage, after this imagined revolution, which makes it not much of a revolution worth having. Liliana's problems were caused by Predathos, and many of the Vanguard we see are Ruidusborn. The only other Vanguard we really get to talk to are Bor'Dor, who was oppressed on the basis of his religion and preyed upon by the cult; Tuldus, who see above; and various Paragon's Call members who are mostly just following orders and getting paid. And Bells Hells, when they have the audience of Vasselheim and the rest of the world - a golden opportunity to call out the colonialism - fail to bring up Hearthdell.

In the end, the motivations are all personal pain - in many cases, inflicted, in fact, by Predathos and not the gods - or vengeance. I honestly don't know if the narrative is trying to claim there is something deeper, or if it's simply some of the characters and a chunk of the least knowledgeable fans, but yes, the worldbuilding fails to support a morally complex narrative. It fails to debunk that which was established earlier (and indeed makes the fall of Aeor far more sympathetic than when it was introduced during Campaign 2) and fails to establish any widespread harm the gods did that wasn't the result of someone threatening to kill them. I do not think one can meaningfully debate with someone who puts a boot on your throat, presses down, and claims you're the oppressor when you fight back, nor with someone who argues along those lines, and that's all that fans and Bells Hells have ever done. And yeah we might actually make a world with a formalized hegemonic religion as a result of Bells Hells' actions; it just will be a different god, underscoring that this is either motivated by people who don't know what the fuck is going on; or by vengeance rather than justice.

[henrenologist]

fuck it reposting my henren ivf essay

the fact that the ivf storyline follows so soon after henren's custody over denny was challenged (TWICE). karen doesnt just want another child, but specifically a biological one. and further, henren pursued an anonymous sperm donor rather than a friend/acquaintance. like they were trying to minimize threats (even illegitimate ones) to their custody as much as possible. im sure karen had many reasons beside that for wanting a biological child, but her proposal follows too soon after the custody challenges for that to not be on her mind in any capacity.

and eva, of course, is haunting this whole thing. it'd be understandable if karen harbored some jealousy over the fact that eva gave hen a baby ("all the people i love the most belonged to you first"). which then compounds karen's grief over the failed ivf: another way in which she cant measure up to eva. eva, who kept threatening karen's parenthood. here's something eva cant take away: my own flesh and blood. and she'd have been right in that logic, because biological parents ARE afforded more security in custody.

so of course karen wants a biological child, even though she can love a non-biological one all the same. she's been beat down by the heteronormative system. this IS the best option for her; it would give her a legal and mental security she hasn't yet had.

until she's beat by her own biology. a scientist, an expert on planets and stars and all that far-out stuff that exists beyond the bounds of human imagination, and she's defeated by the limits of her own body.

and then there's hen, who after three weeks of karen's mourning is frustrated. hen is self-professedly angry with her. she doesn't understand karen's grief; she tries to, but can't. karen herself doesn't even understand all the levels to her own depression. when karen emphasizes that the embryos weren't just an "idea" for her in the way it was for hen, she's not just talking about the physicality of it, but karen's faith in her own capacity for motherhood; an indisputable motherhood. one that eva can't touch, the courts can't touch, unknown fathers can't touch. no one could question her maternity, no one could take her baby away.

and the worst part is the's story's ending—or lack thereof. hen gets into that accident at work and karen drops her grief to take care of her. the ivf is forgotten. hen says "it's like that ivf stuff never even happened" and she's right. a crucial point of development for henren as wives, for karen as a character, is dropped unceremoniously, replaced by another tragedy where karen is relegated to the role of Supportive Wife.

[butchjess]

Ok, so you said (maybe a couple weeks ago? I don't know how Time works) "nobody wants to talk about OCD Rory," but I want you to know that I have literally been thinking about that ever since you said it. So... PLEASE tell me about OCD Rory! I want to talk about it! Well, specifically I want YOU to talk about it, but I want to listen!

Okok.... me and @youhavethesun have been talking about ocd rory quite a bit and i've fleshed a lot of it out in my mind because of it. I think it can helpfully inform a lot of rory's worldview and the sense that she is pretty much holding a gun to her own head the entire show. from a meta standpoint the role of good girl is put upon rory only rly after the pilot episode. And to tie it to an in-universe explanation, i think viewing the show through an OCD rory lens makes it a lot more enjoyable to contend with the good girl archetype placed upon her bc it becomes a product of rory's beliefs and the undeniable fact (in her mind) that she was a "mistake" and that is this the reason that her entire family is basically broken. Even though emily tells her that it wasn't her fault in s1, I think that first conflict w/ christopher's parents rly cements this idea in her mind, when before she wasn't necessarily aware of this responsibility that she now has to fix her family, to keep them together, and to prove that her own existence outweighs (or at least balances out) all the negatives that resulted from it.

This framework allows for three main OCD struggles i think rory has. which is moral obsessiveness, self punishment, and a fixation on responsibility/guilt (there are other more official/psychiatric terms for these concepts but i'm treating this like a philosophy paper so i'm making my own terms. and also sometimes i despise psychiatry anyway). Her main rituals I'd say usually center around the idea of what she is "supposed" to do. and she has many habits to help her figure this nebulous idea out (pro/con lists, warping events to fit molds that are easier to understand, planned schedules of her day mainly wrt studying etc).

now, rory does some things that can be viewed as morally reprehensible (sleeping with a married man(even though he told her he broke up w lindsay but i digress), crashing the yacht, kissing jess), she only really does them if they make some kind of sense to her, or if she has just like given up on everything altogether as a way to punish herself for failure, or if it is a purely impulsive action driven solely by instinct and feeling (rare). She sleeps with dean because dean was supposed to be "hers" anyway, and it's her own fault that she let him down and fell in love with jess. she feels like she owes him a lot of things, because he was the perfect guy and she was just defective and couldn't make herself love him. which of course isn't even true, dean was pretty shitty and a source of a lot of her insecurities/irrational fears around relationships. The point is that rory believes dean was a great guy, partly because lorelai kept telling her that he was, but lorelai never saw the worst of their arguments anyway and also assumes dean is just a good guy. she never has any evidence to think otherwise (and she doesn't have a Failed Mirror Test Aggression reaction to him like she does with jess. and logan of course just comes across as an asshole at first glance anyway even to rory). and so this kinda warps a lot of rory's expectations around what a relationship is "supposed" to look like, and what you owe to the people that you're in a relationship with. I'd also like to note that dean makes fun of rory's pro/con lists when she doesn't say i love you back to him in s1. which is ofc unnecessarily cruel but it makes sense that he would take her hesitation as indecisiveness or something, and would link this to her lists that she uses specifically to help herself make the most logical decisions possible.

this extreme responsibility/irrational sense of guilt extends all the way to logan. she throws herself into taking care of him after his accident because he nearly got himself killed and she thinks it was her fault. if she didnt feel the way she did about him cheating on her (because rory did still fully think he cheated on her) and was more about to break up with him, then he wouldn't have gotten hurt. and if he had DIED, it would be even more her fault, and she would never forgive herself. Rory invalidates/tries to destroy her own genuine feelings of hurt, because she was in the wrong to feel that way at all. in her perception. again she warps her feelings/memories to fit this responsibility. so the moral obsessiveness ties directly into her responsibility for others. similarly when rory feels she's been wronged, or that other people have not done what they're supposed to, she feels free to be upset and angry about it. Like only after chris makes a promise to lorelai and rory that he fails to keep yet again, does rory decide he's pretty much a lost cause in her life. especially after luke and lorelai get together.

Of course the biggest and most comprehensible example of rory's self-punishment is after she misses her mom's graduation, and the panic rambling self loathing that results from it.

I don't think most people would respond with this feverish anxious neurotic amount of regret and self hatred and confusion and begging to be hurt to be punished and beaten and killed and blown up with a thousand grenades just to make it up to her mom. for doing the worst thing she could ever possibly do which is to let her down. She's not in love with jess because she can't be, she isn't supposed to be, she would never do something like that who is that girl. who is that FREAK. and she's only calmed down when lorelai turns it around on her and gets her to eat something with her by framing it as the best thing she could do for lorelai. for doing the worst thing in the world (skipping school to see the guy she's in love with and missing her mom's graduation), it has to be evened out. it has to be. everything will go back to the way it's supposed to be. We'll go anywhere you want, my treat, and I won't enjoy it.

[hopecorps]

the thing about buck "making everything about himself" is not Exactly True (and also not Exactly Untrue) but it IS a crazy look into eddie's psyche

i'm seeing a lot of people saying that buck doesn't make everything about himself, so it's frustrating to see eddie throw this in his face basically every time they have a fight. it feels cruel and unfair. kicking the man while he's down bc buck is already torturing himself by the time eddie gets to him.

and i wanna start by saying that i don't think buck is selfish. but i do think that he fails a lot when he tries to compartmentalize or ignore how he feels. he grew up unseen by his family and desperate to be loved. rejection is scary for him, even the thought of it. and while eddie's never outright rejected him, they've had the most consistent conflict out of any of his relationships because they mean so much to each other, so this character trait which is understandable is often hightened specifically with eddie, especially this past season

and i think this pisses eddie off in particular because he knows almost intrinsically how to push his feelings down and ignore them. he is guilty all the time and views taking any kind of care of himself as a moral failing. any indulgence is a sin.

AND he doesn't even really apply this logic to others long-term. whenever he's been frustrated about this or accused buck of being selfish there's always a moment when it's obvious he's 1. majorly deflecting 2. immediately proven wrong or 3. realized he was wrong and apologized.

so, when buck's emotions take over and he's acting from a place of fear, to EDDIE it reads as making it all about himself. to him, his biggest takeaway is that buck cannot think pragmatically. which IS TRUE. and it frustrates him because eddie is always always thinking about the consequences of his emotions!! to a FAULT by the way, because he never actually lets himself fully process his grief. it's why the whole kim storyline happened: he never got past the anger and grief of losing shannon because he was so worried about chris, when realistically what chris needed was for eddie to think about his own needs for once instead of assuming what other people need from him. but that's a really tough habit to break

longer meta below, i had a lot to say:

the three times we see eddie say this are during the lawsuit, during the fight before eddie moves to texas, and when eddie gets the job offer in el paso

during the lawsuit buck sues the department because he wants his job back and he is convinced that this is the only way he will get it. remember that growing up the only time he ever received love from his parents was after getting hurt. getting hurt and bobby reacting with concern instead of coddling made buck lash out. he can't think about how it will effect everyone else because he is so afraid of losing them and is convinced it's the only thing that will help.

and eddie NEEDS him. it's the first time in their relationship where eddie needed buck and he wasn't there. eddie is hurt and cutting and a little mean and in his eyes buck IS being selfish because eddie would never do something like that. and well duh. he's the runner

when eddie is moving to texas and buck handles it poorly he gets MAD. buck don't you realize i dont want to do this EITHER. buck how can you be upset about this i need you to be supportive because i cannot change my mind. i cannot comfort you because this also hurts me. buck you cannot think of this as me abandoning you because i dont WANT to but i HAVE to. buck why are you making this decision that i was FORCED to make about YOU. buck what about ME.

and of course. buck had processed it and thought about that and came back with the solution: i'm your renter. and it knocks eddie on his ass.

so then it comes to this last time: buck is upset about bobby's death, and he's deflecting. eddie gets a job offer and everyone knows that buck is going to be upset about it. which he would be. he already is.

bobby dies and some of his last words are telling buck that he can hold down the fort and eddie comes back for a couple of weeks and buck does his little assessment and determines that eddie is doing fine and that he doesn't have to worry about him. but eddie is going to leave again and leave For Good this time.

this fight is about the job offer, sure, and it's about buck's angst and grief and how he can't deal with it properly because bobby gave him a Job to do, and it's not about any of that at all.

eddie was grieving all by himself. he wanted buck to be there with him. he wanted buck to ASK. buck was so caught up in making sure everyone was okay and swimming in his own grief that he couldnt even see that eddie was drowning too. he scores his grief a 12 and sends him on his way.

so eddie says the thing that cuts deep because in these intense moments where he's frustrated and hurt and upset he STILL cannot understand why buck can't just stuff his feelings into a box the way eddie does. irrationally, he wanted the one thing that buck couldn't give him in that moment. that's why he apologizes later, because he knows he's wrong, and that he says things that hurt. he knows buck and he knows what buck carries and what kills him. he knows what bobby meant to him. it wasn't even about that!!!

i don't think that buck makes everything about himself. and i don't even think that eddie thinks he does either.

i think that eddie KNOWS that buck struggles with processing his own emotions enough to see how it effects other people. eddie doesnt process them either, but he Does stuff them down because how he effects other people is his top priority. i think this trait in buck really annoys him but i think it is also one of his favorite parts of buck and why they get along so well. buck is earnest and honest and open and eddie likes to read him. but i think that eddie wants to be read right back, and sometimes buck is just not able to do that.

i don't think that either of them were wrong in this argument. to be fair neither of them were right either, they were just both hurting.

and to be clear i think the assertion that eddie was being in any way abusive (emotionally or physically) is a gross (meaning complete and also frankly disgusting) misunderstanding of not only eddie's entire character but also buck's. they're honestly just two people who need each other and struggle with their emotions enough to really see eye to eye all the time. BECAUSE of the love they have for each other

[lurkingshan]

Unknown Episode 6

Well, we wanted them to bring the pain, and my god did they do it. If you had any remaining doubt that this show knows exactly what it's doing with this story, this episode surely put it to rest. There were so many excellent scenes this week, and not all of them are strictly from the source material. I'm going to walk through the episode by favorite moments, because there is so much worthy of discussion here.

That first scene between Qian and Yuan, when Qian put his hand on Yuan's face and expressed his worry, was original to the show, and it got me right in the heart. It is exhausting to love someone you know won't love you back in the same way, and Yuan has been crumbling under the burden of trying to restrain his feelings while staying close to Qian. That Qian is both the source of his comfort and his agony makes it all so much harder, and Qian's blinders to Yuan's feelings means he is constantly making it worse for Yuan without meaning to.

I also loved the whole sequence at the H.O.T. party, from Yuan arriving sad and sick and vulnerable only to see Feng Ning getting cozy with his brother, to Qian knowing instantly that something was wrong with Yuan and becoming distracted, to Qian and Feng Ning's chat clearing up their relationship and the show allowing her to be awesome and not at all villainous about it, to Qian following Yuan into the backroom for the confrontation. It was a short sequence but it all built masterfully to the moment we've been waiting for since episode 1.

And what a scene that was. I loved that it began with Qian trying to care for Yuan like he always does. He is at a work event but he cannot focus on anything else until he knows Yuan is okay. But Yuan has hit his limit while his guard was down, and it all finally comes spilling out in the worst way possible. The emotions of this scene were perfect--Qian was truly shocked, deeply upset, and importantly, betrayed by Yuan crossing this boundary and imploding their relationship. And Yuan is also feeling upset and betrayed, because he has always counted on Qian to accept him no matter what, and in this moment, Qian failed him by rejecting him in a way he never has before. They are both clearly devastated to have this relationship ruined because for both of them, it is the most important one in their lives.

It's not surprising that Qian goes into full avoidance mode in the aftermath; he has no idea how to navigate his conflicting instincts. He doesn't want to reject Yuan and in fact it hurts him deeply to do so, but he can't accept him either. He's too shell shocked and angry to return to caretaking, but the guilt is clearly eating at him. So he hides, and finds a way to keep avoiding it by sending Yuan away. And this led to two more fantastic scenes, because this show cares about all its characters and the entire family unit, not just the two leads.

First, San Pang and Yuan. I love that despite making many mistakes and ultimately accelerating the implosion between the brothers, San Pang is not intentionally being malicious here. He is genuinely trying to help because he loves both Qian and Yuan, he doesn't want Qian to be hurt by Yuan's feelings, and he is clearly hoping Yuan can move on from it if he intervenes. Yuan knows this too, which is why he does not hate him despite his interference, and why he feels comfortable pushing San Pang to explain why his love for Qian is such a bad thing. I love that the show went here, and that San Pang couldn't come up with a logical reason why it's wrong. It just feels wrong to him, and isn't that the case with so much cultural taboo?

Second, I love this show so much for not forgetting Lili in all of this. Her increasing anxiety and fear at seeing her brothers' relationship fall apart without understanding why was so heartbreaking. This is her family, and she has had her own very rough childhood and survived parental abandonment too, and suddenly everything is blowing up and no one will explain it to her. Yuan clearly doesn't want to leave her anymore than he does Qian, but at this point he's not being left with much choice. And Qian is not in a headspace to offer her any explanation or comfort. I'm glad her pain was not overlooked.

The way this episode ended, with Yuan setting off for a lonely stint abroad, and Qian not even giving him a proper goodbye, was the final touch of heartbreak. Qian loves his brother so much, and I think he'll regret sending him away so coldly when he is finally able to process what happened here--he may already be starting to regret it, judging by the forlorn look on his face as he leaned in his doorway recalling their memories together. I was glad that at least he left Yuan a token to take with him; he can't face him right now, but he does care. Some time apart will likely do them some good, but in the meantime there will be a lot of loneliness in both their lives. This show hurts so good.

[paperlifted]

There will always be the softest of spots in my heart for 2003 Splinter, who managed to raise as stable a family as he did despite starting life as just a regular ol' street rat. Which isn't to say I don't like Splinters who were human first - that origin usually brings fun narrative hooks and baggage, and is also, obviously, more logical than “this random rat learned master-level ninjutsu through [checks notes] entirely unexplained powers of observation".

But who cares about logic! Because the emotional story of 2003 is so compelling! He was just a rat!! Assuming he had a rat’s natural lifespan, he was something like two years old when the change occurred, and suddenly he has this new, mature body and mature mind with two years’ of animal cognizance bouncing hazily around a space that’s now a hundred times too big for it, and at the same time there are these four strange creatures who have just imprinted on him like a quartet of mutant ducklings.

He doesn’t even know the turtles are intelligent at first. He does, perhaps, understand in retrospect what it was that Tang Shen felt when she looked at something small and hungry and knew she had the power to change its circumstances. What she felt when the creature came to trust her touch, to desire her company, to seek her comfort when hurt or afraid. The turtles, then, are… pets, yes? It is worth the small difficulties of finding them food and shelter to not be alone. Rats are social animals. He is otherwise so very alone.

Of course, he soon finds they can understand the words he has been speaking mostly for his own sake; they can think and learn and begin to speak back to him. They might be the only other creatures like him in the entire world, and it is a trembling relief, an overpowering fear. Their minds are growing, their needs are growing, and still they look to him with blind trust that he will provide for them without fail. He was just a rat, and then he was more; and now he needs to define what more will be.

I’ve seen folks who prefer versions where the turtles have a more openly familial relationship with Splinter (calling him father/dad more regularly, leaning less into the Stern Sensei behaviour), but I am very fond of it as it is because it’s so clearly something the five of them have built for themselves. What does a rat know of fatherhood? What does a rat know of kin? Yoshi never looked upon the rodent as anything more than an inherited pet, kept and cared for in memory of the one he had truly loved, but Splinter examines those memories and names him father because it’s the only model he has. What does a rat understand of family? The sharing of warmth and resources, and the awareness that there are forces who will take these things from you with cruel indifference and leave you lost and alone and starving.

What does a rat understand of grief? Too much, now.

They are children, and then they are his children, and then they are his sons because somewhere along the line he learns that these are the words for what he feels. And to them he is master and sensei because these are the words for The One Who Teaches and The One Who Protects and The One Who Provides. Perhaps he expects too much of them too soon, but there are no parenting lessons for a rat in a sewer and no one else for him to ask to share in his burdens and responsibilities. Perhaps it is unfair to press them all into a martial lifestyle, but the danger is too real and it’s one of the few skills he has mastered. Hierarchy and discipline are well-known to rats and ninja alike, and his children need structure, routine, defenses. It is the best pathway that he knows. He always does - he can only do - the best he knows.

One day his sons will bring home a human woman, and for the first time they will be truly seen and judged in their home: four brothers and their teacher-father-protector-guide. He is seventeen years old. There has been no one to knowingly teach him. He was just a rat, and then he was more, and through endless trial and error he has pulled together the scraps of his experiences and built a family and taught them love.

It counts for something, he hopes.

[divorcedwife]

I completely understand your post abt the boy being punished too harshly for him forging a signature, but i will say as someone formerly in education, the bad grades are sent home w a required signature as a way for the teacher to let parents know their kid needs extra help & not letting it get pushed to the wayside. it shouldn't be on the teacher for how a parent reacts to that, they are doing the best with the resources they have (which are often times stretched thin as is).

well, that’s certainly a possibility, but i’ve sure known teachers who purposefully punished children for failing at school and purposefully humiliated those they saw as unruly and headstrong. my teachers who made my parents sign my bad grades also read bad essays out loud, yelled at students who were doing poorly, and generally made it clear that not being good at school was a personal insult on them. i have had a teacher call my parents because i hadn’t been telling them about my math grades, and it went extremely poorly for me, i wouldn’t have hidden my grades if i didn’t feel afraid… believe me, i had her for four years as my maths teacher, i know there was no noble intention there, she didn’t do it because she cared about me, she did it because she was vindictive and didn’t want me to avoid my punishment. when my parents were little, teachers could hit them, and we’ve changed rules to ban that but we never changed the logic that allowed an adult to physically abuse children for being bad at maths, and that mean streak remains to this day

im not saying that to be mean to teachers, if anything, i have compassion for them. if, tomorrow, we kicked out every mean teacher and brought in only the most pure hearted individuals, a lot of them would still turn out apathetic or cruel to their students, because they are under a lot of stress and must deal with huge amount of students for very little pay. i get how that hardens someone, the same way i get why doctors can be like that. when i criticize teachers, i dont think « oh this person is bad », i think « oh maybe one day we’ll have schools that aren’t prisons »

[ambriel-angstwitch]

Batman and The Signal Commentary Part 3

(Gotham by Day Part 1-2)

Duke’s fear of not fitting in the Batfam is so interesting because he does fit in and he’s more skilled than he thinks. He’s so insecure and that’s so sad.

How dare they blame my boy!

Seriously I don’t get why everyone always blames the super hero. Like the criminal committed crimes and then he showed up. And logically if you were a criminal wouldn’t you start operating during the day if there’s like a dozen hero’s at night.

Poor Duke is so riddled with insecurity and questions.

I feel like there’s also such a disconnect between him and his friends at the moment. Because his girlfriend is trying to ask about his wellbeing but I think both of the girl are failing to realize how much this means to Duke. Like the case is tied to his wellbeing right now. It’s adding to his insecurity, he just wants to understand and feel like he fits somewhere

Bruce showing his favoritism. He built Duke a whole base.

You know what I think Duke deserves it though. He deserves grand gestures of love from a parental figure.

Duke is the light he is that which exposes the truth.

I do find it interesting that Duke has always been surrounded by those who work in the dark.

It’s also beautiful that he had such a close relationship to his parents. That his dad took pride in what he did even if it wasn’t a normal job.

Like I said earlier him and his friends are having problems.

I understand somewhat people protecting themselves, but I’ve never understood when people just leave when they’re worried someone will get themselves killed.

I’d rather stay back and try to help when they’re asking me too. Even if there’s a possibility that it’s all futile there’s always a possibility it isn’t. I’d rather know I’d tried.

It is good angst though. I do appreciate it.

I love how this shows how Duke is also a detective.

But on the flip side it shows how human he is. Because while it’s important to not rule anyone out as a subject you can take it too far. Too believe because of something a villian said and a couple other clues that everything is a lie. That Bruce crafted the tragedies in his life to take Duke for himself

I love how Bruce is just like “What are you talking about?” because it doesn’t make much sense Bruce doesn’t want more metas in Gotham even if some will help him more will do nothing and some will of course cause problems

Such a good way to end that comic. Because somebody has been masterminding it but not of course Bruce.

< Prev. Next.>

[indigo-scarf]

Parental abuse & the Malfoys

The most common way I've seen parental abuse portrayed in fanfic never resonated with me. In fic, the ethos of an abusive parent often reads as: "I want to hurt you as much as possible, because I hate you" — and that doesn't reflect my own experience.

Of course, it might reflect other people's experiences, or the fics might not even be aiming for realism at all, so I'm not here to argue that you can't write like that. But to those interested in another possibility, I want to share my perspective.

The way I understand my parent's (twisted, unacceptable, but genuine) logic is:

"I love you. I want to get along with you. Us having a harmonious relationship is the default state, until you do something that hurts me, or shows that you don't value the love I am offering you. Then I have to discipline you, or I react aggressively because I've been aggressed upon. If you only behave, we can be the happy family I want us to be."

And in my view, this applies to Lucius Malfoy too.

The Borgin & Burkes scene in CoS suggests a heavy-handed intention of JKR's to portray Lucius as the shallow trope of an unidimensionally cold father, but if that's what she was attempting, she failed. Lucius and Draco do seem to get along most of the time.

As many have pointed out, Lucius is willing to listen to Draco's rants about Harry Potter; he shares news articles and sensitive information with Draco; he gets extremely involved in Draco's school life, and attends his every Quidditch game; there is always a sense that Lucius and Draco are gleefully teaming up to get in someone's way.

Lucius didn't suddenly realise in Deathly Hallows that his son was important to him, he's always known that. Even Voldemort knew that, hence his conclusion that targeting Draco would be the worst way to punish Lucius.

However, the Borgin & Burkes scene does add an essential layer to their relationship: Lucius cannot handle frustration.

He wants Draco to succeed, but if he doesn't, that is a threat to Lucius's ego. He can't have a son bested by a Mudblood! That kind of shame terrifies him, and renders him not only aggressive, but frantic.

Because why would Lucius Malfoy want to humiliate his son in front of "riffraff" like Borgin?

Why would he want to broadcast, "Hey, people who should admire my family as your superiors, look what a failure the Malfoy heir is, he can't even beat a Mudblood at school! He'll end up a lowlife criminal!"

I imagine this kind of berating is not uncommon whenever Draco threatens Lucius's ego by doing anything he fears will reflect poorly on him — but it would be kept behind closed doors. To the world, both Lucius and Draco are interested in presenting the best image of their family.

For Lucius to do this in public, he must be really feeling the pressure of Harry Potter's reappearance, and all the threats to his status that came along with it. He might be so sick of hearing about him not because he's sick of his son, but because Harry is making him feel so destabilised.

Now, of course Lucius would never admit he made a mistake, or stoop down to apologising to anyone, much less a child he wants to respect his authority. He would just convince himself Draco deserves whatever harshness he incurs when he fails to be a "good team player", and then the game goes on as it should — as a loving, harmonious family.

It's not so much lack of love, but the conditional nature of Lucius's love that makes Draco vulnerable to Voldemort.

[coffindependency]

i’ve seen some people say that ashley is kind of an extreme portrayal of mental illness(es), but, from my own experience…. she’s actually a very real portrayal. all of her possessiveness, her mood swings, her dependency on andrew, her choice to not think too long about super traumatizing shit, her impulsiveness; all of those are very normal, very accurate ways mental illnesses and other disorders manifest

(andrew also shows Many signs of mental illness(es) and disorders, and so does their mom, but that’s not what this post is about!!)

i’m not going to try to diagnose her or anything, and i’ll try to keep my headcanons to myself, but i believe we can all tell that the way she thinks and acts is not exactly healthy for her or the people around her. she’s harmful to herself, andrew, and a lot of others. there’s genuinely So Much that has influenced the way she is, i kind of don’t even know where to start

she wasn’t “born evil,” like her mom says. she isn’t even “evil,” she just… doesn’t really understand. that’s not a bad thing!! she doesn’t understand what’s wrong with her behavior, because no adult ever taught her. no adult ever cared enough to make sure she learned how to treat people nicely. no adult ever paid attention to her harmful behavior and tried to correct it. we see that ashley has been kind of an asshole from a very early age, and she’s always been pretty blunt with her thoughts and feelings. she hasn’t ever felt the need to sugar-coat things, to spare other’s feelings. aside from andrew, nobody has ever been genuinely nice to her, or spared her feelings, so why should she bother?

similarly, she doesn’t lie too often, unlike andrew. she doesn’t like pretending, especially not with him. she says in game, during dinner with their parents, that she can’t “keep up” with andrew’s lies. we only really see her lie of her own accord once, and she doesn’t donit very convincingly.

she doesn’t really care about anything that doesn’t concern her or andrew, which is like. The Most logical path for her feelings to take. andrew is the only person that she’s ever known who cares about her. he’s been by her side for her entire life. her parents, her neighbors, and her friends have done wrong by her, and have been driven away by her… Her. except for andrew. (we’re ignoring the chapter two decay route for this). he’s been there through everything. he’s cared when no one else has. he’s seen her at her worst and her best moments. again, no adult taught her about caring, or pretending to care. she doesn’t feel the need to mask like andrew does, and she doesn’t have a want to “fit in” to a society that has failed her and her brother. she’s been treated as an outsider for her whole life, so she probably believes she’ll never “fit in,” she’ll never be accepted, and she doesn’t need to fit in or be accepted by them.

she greatly values loyalty in her friends. we see her act this way with andrew, with nina, and with julia. she sees people chosing others over her as a betrayal. other than andrew, no one has ever chosen ashley first. that upsets her!! that would upset anyone, but it especially upsets her because no one has ever chosen her first. her parents gave andrew all of their attention, but not her. her two friends have betrayed their friendship and put andrew above her. in game, she says it herself: she should be the top priority. with every encounter, every back-and-forth, every relationship, every decision, she’s waiting to be pushed aside. she’s waiting to be discarded. with andrew, she’ll do anything in her power to make sure he doesn’t leave her, either.

i think that it’s really interesting that she really is her worst self with andrew. she’s mean, she’s violent, she’s petty and crass and acts very childish, but she generally feels safe with him. she feels comfortable with him, and doesn’t feel the need to hold herself back at all. there’s security to be found in a relationship (of any kind) that you can say terrible things and act in horrible ways and that person stays by your side. that’s a huge part what she has with andrew. she trusts him to stay by her side, despite how awfully she may act. she places a Lot of importance on his presence in her life.

even the murder and cannibalism can be attributed to mental illness (along with The Plot). the intense mood swings that she has go along with her already violent tendencies. she feels anger, frustration, annoyance, and a whole bunch of other really negative emotions that she’s never learned to cope with. a lot of people in real life use violence as an outlet for anger. plus, she doesn’t allow herself feel upset or disgusted by death, even at her own hands (if she even feels it at all). despite that, i believe that murdering her parents had to be So cathartic for her and andrew. ashley explains in the decay route why eating people makes her feel powerful and in control, and being in control is something she very obviously feels that she lacks. she’s seen as manipulative, but she doesn’t really succeed at her manipulation. she’s understandably insecure with her entire existence, so she tries to control whoever and whatever she can, and that extends to andrew, murder, as well as cooking and eating people

there’s a lot to life that is treated as “normal” and “universal,” but everyone starts with absolutely no knowledge. experiences build a person’s worldview and shapes their personality, and ashley has had very rough experiences. she is a product of abuse and neglect and mistreatment, and is a very realistic depiction of a person who has had the experiences she’s had. the game has a pretty light tone despite the content, but it being “pretty light” doesn’t take away from the amount of detail that is put into the main characters and the trauma that they’ve suffered

ashley doesn’t have to be “good” or “positive” representation to be accurate representation, and i feel like nemlei has done a fucking excellent job at making a very, very unwell person (or two or three) in a very, very unwell society, and i am so extremely excited to see more of the graves’ childhood in chapter three

[petercapaldi-press]

THE TELEGRAPH

Peter Capaldi interview: ‘The default Doctor Who now is a kind of cosmic imp’

INTERVIEW

The actor talks about playing the Time Lord, never doing Shakespeare and releasing his debut album at the age of 63

Neil McCormick

12 November 2021 5:00am GMT

Before Peter Capaldi was an actor; long before he became celebrated as fierce civil servant Malcolm Tucker in The Thick of It or a daunting and strange Doctor in Doctor Who, he played guitar and sang in obscure Scottish punk band B-----ds from Hell. Now, at 63, Capaldi is finally about to release his debut album. “I’m not setting out to make a career change or chase my cousin Lewis up the charts,” he insists. “I’m an enthusiastic amateur having a go.”

St Christopher is a strange and beguiling piece of work, a complex slice of baroque pop-rock and ornate singer-songwriting, its widescreen productions decorated with poetic lyrics delivered with downbeat theatrical flair. “It’s largely the same stuff that was floating round my head post art school, Glasgow, circa 1979, set in neon and rain. Except I’m 40 years older.”

Sitting in a north London café, Capaldi stirs an “extra hot” latte. He’s wearing a sleek black coat over a white T-shirt, his face lean, eyes sparkling, mouth playing with a perpetual half-smile. He draws movie-star attention but blanks it out as he discusses his passion project.

“There’s a tyranny of logic about acting. Your job is to tell the story through the medium of your part as effectively as possible. But it’s somebody else’s story. I enjoy the freedom of music, you can respond to a sound or a tone or a chord and try to construct something that goes with that or against it.” Capaldi’s lyrics playfully grapple with grand themes, from the interconnectedness of everything on Atlanta Vacant Lot to the ephemeral illusions of deluded youth, on the slyly mocking Beautiful and Weird.

As a working-class child (his parents ran an ice-cream business) growing up in Glasgow in the 1960s, Capaldi was drawn to acting but didn’t feel equipped. “You go to an audition and they ask ‘what’s your Shakespearean piece?’ I’d never seen a Shakespeare play. So you’re hopeless, because there’s no uncle in the RSC [Royal Shakespeare Company], you’re not part of that world, you have nothing except a desire to have a go. So I did apply to drama school but I didn’t get in.”

A teacher encouraged him to apply to Glasgow Art School, where “music swept me away”. The B-----ds turned into the Dreamboys, with future comedian Craig Ferguson on drums. “As we were slightly pretentious art school kids, we were trying to evoke a kind of Dr Caligari dreamscape, but we just sounded like a junior branch of the Chippendales male strippers.” They soldiered on in obscurity for years. Then, while touring as support to Scottish new-wave pop band Altered Images, Capaldi was spotted by director Bill Forsyth. At 24, he found himself making his film debut opposite Burt Lancaster in Local Hero. “He [Lancaster] was fabulous. He said: ‘Kid, your instincts are terrific! Terrific! But I can’t understand a f---ing word you’re saying.’”

Capaldi with Burt Lancaster in Local Hero (1983) Credit: Alamy Stock Photo

Capaldi had a long career as, effectively, an interesting supporting actor. “You look back and go ‘Well, that was a good choice, that was a bad choice’, but really there were no choices. I had a baby and a wife and a mortgage. You’ve got to do whatever comes up.” He won an Oscar in 1995 as writer and director of the short film Franz Kafka’s It’s a Wonderful Life, but subsequent projects collapsed. “It’s a tough business. I had a very bleak period where whatever initial success I’d had had long failed. There was no work, no money coming in, Oscars had come and gone, Local Hero had come and gone, youth had come and gone. And I didn’t know how to get it back on track.”  Then, out of the blue, fellow Glaswegian Armando Iannucci asked him to be in his new sitcom, The Thick of It. “The big lesson I learnt was that you can’t control it, so stop angsting over it. But that’s easy to say now. It wasn’t easy stalking about with no money for a cup of coffee.”

It wasn’t until he was in his fifties and cast as the 12th Doctor that he achieved household-name fame. “My job was to go into work in the morning and battle Daleks. It was fabulous. You get to inhabit the skin of this charismatic, magical creature. Kids look at you and you can see their jaws drop. That’s an extraordinary position to be in.”

Yet he admits to finding the pressure of being recognised on the street quite daunting. “You have to always be positive and good-hearted. My default position is probably a bit more melancholic and reflective, but nobody wants to hear about that stuff when you’re the Doctor. I wanted to be a more distant and alien Doctor. Because that’s how I remember [first Doctor] William Hartnell, being a kid in Glasgow on dark winter nights when this strange figure with the white hair and slightly irate voice could open this portal to a magical world. The default now is a kind of cosmic imp. Which is great. But I wanted to touch the dark winter nights. I’m not sure whether the brand supports that any more, but that’s what I was interested in.”

The reign of his successor Jodie Whittaker ends next year, but Capaldi expresses no opinions on who should follow. “One of the great things about doing Doctor Who is it kind of cures you, in the nicest possible way. So I think they’re all great and I wish everybody well, but I’m done,” he laughs almost gleefully.

Capaldi as the 12th incarnation of Doctor Who Credit: BBC

The revival of his long-dormant musical career is the tale of two doctors, when Doctor Who met Dr Robert (AKA songwriter and producer Robert Howard, frontman of vintage art rockers the Blow Monkeys). The two would play guitar together at parties, and Capaldi became a fascinated observer of Dr Robert’s studio work.  Meanwhile, Capaldi’s young second cousin, Lewis Capaldi, was rising to fame as the UK’s favourite singer-songwriter. “Lewis is a proper musician, a really gifted songwriter. He’s been doing that since he was like, 11 or something. I’m very proud of him, even if I don’t really know him.”

Capaldi, who will soon be seen in the Terence Davies film Benediction, about Siegfried Sassoon, jokingly admits he still doesn’t have “a Shakespeare piece” for auditions. “Shakespearean companies have never troubled me with their interest. I know in my heart of hearts, I can act it. But once you get into a production, you are going to be up against people who have been practising the iambic pentameter for the last 30 years.” He shakes his head. “Ach, I could do it! But, you know, it’s such a palaver, they last so long, they’re always like three-and-a half hours long. I’m not bothered.”

His advice for young actors is simple. “Number one, and most important of all, learn your lines. Because if you learn your lines, you have the freedom to tell the story using everything God’s given you. Number two, hang on in there. Because the stars align, sometimes. Look at me. Sometimes you get lucky.”

Peter Capaldi’s St Christopher is out next Friday on Monks Road Records

[eri-pl]

For the friendship ask game, Melkor & Manwë - 3, 4 and 6:)?

Thank you for the ask!

I already answered 3, so I guess it's time for another random HC.

Melkor can't understand Manwë just as much as the other way around. He's envious of Manwë's marriage, position and, well, many things, so he assumes Manwë hates him (Melkor logic…) and wants him to be miserable. It's convenient, because it gives him more reasons to hate Manwë.

4. My fav thing about them.

The grief of seeing someone you love make an absolute trainwreck of themselves etc. Sorry. This is why I vibe with their relationship. For the angst. Not for any complex literary reasons.

6. A scene with them that I want to rewrite/change in some way.

Scene?

It's not a scene, but one of my pet peeves is "Iluvatar had always loved Manwë more" (it is in the Silm! Ainulindale or Valaquenta), which should instead say something like "Manwë allowed more love to be put on him, so he was loved more (Tolkien would be able to phrase it in a non awkward way that makes sense). Also I, Rúmil (or Pengolodh or whoever added this part) firmly think Finwë should have picked Fingolfin over Feanor as his favorite."

Seriously, my guy, instead of projecting your ideas of what Finwë should do onto the best equivalent of God available to you, just say it out loud. Also, if you think that loving one kid less is a good parenting technique, I really hope you're one of the "never got married" guys.

And also Melkor should have honestly wanted to work with the Valar (or at least not against them) after his imprisonment, just expected it to be 100% easy and pleasant and therefore fail.

Because this makes it more tragic.

More asks are welcome

[machine-babydoll-reborn]

I feel like a lot of anti-transids don’t fully grasp the concept that there’s a difference between freely chosen transition and coercion/abuse. I’ve seen this brought up twice recently, so I want to talk about it.

I mostly see this brought up in the context of transintersex and transautistic discourse, so that’s what I’m going to be talking about. People saying that claiming that you can transition into being intersex also means you can logically transition into being perisex, which is the logic behind IGM, forced HRT, and other forms of intersex medical abuse. People saying that claiming you can transition into being autistic means you can transition out of it, which is the logic behind ABA “therapy” and forcing autistic people to mask.

I’m going to present a hypothetical. I’m mostly presenting this scenario because I find it easier to point out hypocrisy in how anti-transid people think when you bring up transgender/transsex. This is purely a hypothetical.

Say someone who is male and identifies as male has his penis cut off as a form of abuse. Would you call him sexless or nullsex or any similar word, due to what happened? Of course not. That’s stupid and heartless. But plenty of transneutral people who do consider themselves nullsex or sexless get surgery to remove their penis and consider this surgery part of their transition towards sexlessness. So what’s the difference?

Simple. One is a freely chosen expression of the inner self and the other is nothing more than a violation.

IGM is inherently nonconsensual and abuse. Infants cannot consent. This is not freely chosen in any way. It’s just the mutilation of healthy but “weird-looking” infants. IGM is not “transition”. It is medically sanctioned abuse. So is forced HRT, especially since a lot of intersex kids aren’t even told what the “medication” is for. Or ever given a chance to refuse. Because this is what the adults around them want. You can’t freely choose something if you’re never once given a choice.

Most autistic kids put through ABA aren’t old enough to understand what this is, or to be able to give informed consent to it. They aren’t told about the statistics on just how many autistics put in ABA programs as children wind up with PTSD. And if they were, would they be able to fully comprehend what that means for them? No, they don’t choose this. They’re in this excuse for therapy because their parents would rather have an allistic child.

Even in cases where someone technically “willingly” seeks out ABA, it’s hard to consider it truly freely chosen. When I biked up to the ABA center near my house with a $20 bill in my pocket and begged them to take my money and fix me, no one put a gun to my head and forced me to bike there. But I only did it because I was being harassed on the regular and treated as subhuman, to the point where I fully believed my autism made me worthless. Had that not happened to me, I most likely never would have gone.

“Forced transition” is just abuse. That’s all it is. Transition is supposed to be a freely chosen expression of the inner self, not being molded to another person’s image of you. That’s what these comparisons fail to consider.

This isn’t me saying that we should never talk about things like IGM and ABA in the context of transids, and that there should never be good-faith discussions about how certain discussions around transids can unintentionally validate some of their ideals.

But when you try to “gotcha” a transid person talking about their freely chosen transition with discussion of abuse/coercion, you are missing the point.