#I’m so utterly beyond happy writing this piece

[storiesoflilies]

metanoia is an ode to

mathematics and physics, and how the universe sings to us without words.

toji fushiguro, and just how deep the green of his eyes can really go.

and of green tea, but that my darlings, is a discovery you’ll have to make for yourselves.

i absolutely cannot wait for you guys to read it!!

much love,

Lily xo

[shirefantasies]

hello there!! i've been reading your works for a while and they're adorable, i love them so much ;A;

it's actually my birthday today! if it's not too much trouble, could you write the Fellowship (plus Arwen and Eowyn if you'd like <3) and how each of them would spend reader's birthday with them?

if not, then that's okay! hope you have a great day and once again i love your writing :D

Happy belated birthday anon! This is a cute idea 😄

REQUESTS ARE STILL CLOSED! This is a very old request I’m just getting around to posting.

Warnings: a bit suggestive at times

How LoTR Characters Spend Your Birthday With You

Aragorn

He is not exactly the biggest party person, so unless you are your celebration will be smaller, more intimate. You’ll be woken with the gentlest kiss and a whispered blessing. Whatever you command, Aragorn teases, he is yours…. Beyond that, he is his typical attentive self, cooking your favorite meal for you and laying it out beautifully as he can. Candles, flowers, you name it and he has found it. All day the words pass his lips that the world is all the richer for your entry into it, that he considers you a blessing every day of his life. So much so, in fact, he’ll even tolerate you smashing some cake on him if you feel a bit giddy that night! Shaking his head, he just smiles and laughs it off. It is your birthday, after all, and he is plenty used to the old antics of his friends!

Legolas

You expect a surprise, ironically, knowing Legolas’s air of teasing mystery, and sure enough he whisks you away nearly as soon as he can. Any questioning fails utterly, but at least you get to see Legolas’s dark eyes glitter with mischief as he tells you you’ll see. In the end you’re taken to a little paradise all your own, a treetop canopy with a scenic view. “And of course you have your cake,” he teases, remembering how important it was to you. You’re still in awe of the view, jaw slack at the horizon of endless green blending into the blue sky with its sparse puffs of cloud. It’s amazing, utterly so and you tell him, but the woodland prince insists that the most amazing part of this all is you. Your birth, your entry into the world those years ago, means more to him than he can ever truly convey.

Boromir

Such ambition! Boromir asks you to describe your dream day and vows to give it to you. Taking a boat ride? He’ll find a way. Having a joust? He would be honored to be your partner. A party with your friends? Simply give him the notice and he will invite them all to a grand event! He understands that cake is traditional so he commissions the best of his father’s bakers for yours. All the while of the merriment Boromir’s arm is slung about your waist, his eyes and grin loving as they fix firmly upon you. You may have to restrain him, for he’ll want to hoist your arm up and call out your praises in front of everybody! He definitely tries to be understanding if these ideas make you anxious, however, toning down the party in his mind to a candlelit dinner for two. Hm, yes, perhaps some romance would be a good way to spend your birthday after all….

Gimli

Pretends he forgot. His jaw drops, lips widening into an o shape as he asks oh, was that today? Today of all days? …Followed immediately by mischievous he-he-hes of laughter as he reaches into some pocket or another and pulls out a box. “I jest, of course? You think I would forget the most important of days, the birth of my fairest One? Not in the slightest! Go on, open it up!” Inside is none other than a piece of your favorite type of jewelry, clearly handmade and beautifully custom crafted. Gimli made it himself of course, not a single other dwarf laying a hand on it. “Just like you,” he jokes as you embrace and pull his lips into yours. As far as any other celebration of course he wants to scream it from the hills and drink and dance the night away with you, but if you want no fanfare Gimli will simply walk with you anywhere you go, still telling everyone it’s your birthday, before taking you home for a more private celebration. Hopefully still some drinks and dancing, even if it’s just you two. And something else? Well, he would give you everything you want on your special day, just ask and he is yours…

Frodo

You’ll awake to a pair of the most loving blue eyes you’ve ever seen upon you. Soon as he knows you’ve risen, Frodo reaches over to caress your face, a smile creeping onto his lips before he kisses your forehead. “Good morning, my love. How would you like to spend your day?” Anything you request within reason will be yours. The weather cooperates, luckily, so if you wish to take a walk on the edges of the Shire or take to the market opportunity is availed to you. Frodo will organize a party if you wish it, inviting only your closest friends and family and hoping he’ll be your only dance partner for the evening! Encourages you to be the one to cut your cake, nodding eagerly towards it with a big smile. He spent ages on your gift, a hand-illustrated and bound volume of your favorite story he made with his uncle Bilbo.

Sam

Spends a whole day making your cake himself. It has to be perfect, your favorite flavor and lots of edible flowers to make it pretty! Sam is very sweet with you, absolutely doting on you all day and insisting you don’t lift a finger. Even going so far as to romantically carry you over thresholds if he can. The most loving eyes fall onto you as he asks what you want to do, flushing if you make any more scandalous suggestions and agreeing eagerly, readying himself to pull off the bed and onto your next adventure. It’s the end of the night, naturally, when he insists on cutting you a big slice of your cake and showering you with gifts ranging from flowers to a new one of your favorite comfort items to a special piece of craftsmanship from his elven friends! Party or no, Sam will share a lantern-lit dance with you that night and will be telling you how much he loves you and is grateful you were born all day!

Merry

The type to suggest celebrating on your birthday, if you catch his drift. Loves your eager reaction or if you smack him and tease back, both is good. Morning or evening, he won’t be picky! But in all seriousness, this calls for a celebration and by the stars you are getting one! Merry will have the whole of the Green Dragon singing your praises and wishing you well that night, not to mention being ready with a cake and a hearty meal! All day he’s walking around with the proudest smile and a hand around your waist. His gift to you is the perfect mix of pretty and practical, a gorgeously embroidered coat with bejeweled buttons that had to have cost a lot, but he assures you it’s worth it with a kiss to your forehead and another happy birthday.

Pippin

Writes it down so he doesn’t forget what day it is, then sets himself to work planning you a party! If you don’t like large events then instead of a massive Shire celebration he’ll throw something in your yard or the Tooks will rent out the Green Dragon for a night with all your friends. During the day, though? Pippin refuses to share you, no sir. All his attention is on you from the moment he surprises you with a big breakfast to when he sets aside the dishes. Even getting ready for the day he’ll pamper you, running you a bath and jumping in with you too of course! A picnic lunch in a field of waving wildflowers, lots of shared kisses beneath the sun, and a bouquet hand-picked just for you await! Tells anyone who runs across you that it’s his beloved’s birthday, you know. Your favorite gift this year is a scarf, one quite similar to Pippin’s but in your favorite color instead, the one you wear most. He had his mother make it for you just like the cake! Warning: Pippin will want to hand-feed you some cake and may see about smashing just a teensy bit up by your nose. If you really hate that he won’t, but if you retaliate? Well, your cake fight may turn into another bath for you two and then who knows from there…

Faramir

His brother was always the better one at this, an internal voice tells Faramir, but that makes it all the more exciting, especially because Boromir is happy to help him execute his plan! You are completely unsuspecting of the brothers’s scheme as you pry open the doors to the chamber Faramir asked you to meet him in, lops parting widely in shock at the crowd awaiting you. They all wish you a happy birthday as one, just as your family did for you in your youth. Tears fill your eyes at the sight of the gathering, but you are quickly swept into Faramir’s loving arms. He doesn’t let go of your hand for the entire night, either.

Eomer

Good luck getting out of bed that morning! Eomer will be upon you from the moment you arise, showering you with affection and ministrations of your every need and desire. He insists he can even do the cooking, which he does not usually undertake, but when you finally do arise for a meal you find quite a hearty selection awaiting you. From there Eomer takes you out for a ride, insisting you share a horse so he can hold you close and keep you blindfolded- no need to ruin the surprise so early, hm? You feel the incline before you see it, obviously, but after your mount slows Eomer lifts you up and sets you down to restore your sight. The fabric drops to reveal a flowered hill and a gorgeous view of the blue sky, both of which pale in comparison to the sight of Eomer knelt before you, telling you your birthday is a day of new beginnings. Asking then if you’ll grant him the new beginning of a married life with him?

Eowyn

Bless her soul, she makes you a cake. You can imagine how that goes. Looking at it with trepidation, you eagerly pull her to your day’s activities, saving that for the end of the night anyway. Rather, your focus is on the freedom you have to celebrate, taking a ride just to feel the wind in your hair and laugh with abandon at Eowyn’s side. Nearing your ride’s end she lays down a blanket and carries you down upon it, unpacking a meal for you to share as you watch the sunset. You will celebrate with friends and family, certainly, but this day is for you two. Laughter ensues further as you both choke on the cake, agreeing it’s no good but you assure her you love that she made it nonetheless, tackling her down upon the spread fabric with teasing, affectionate kisses. Giggling, she practically peels you off to give you your gift: a sword emblazoned with the Riddermark’s most gorgeous flowers.

Haldir

Haldir was never one to celebrate birthdays. It just never occurred to him to do anything beyond well wishes. So imagine his surprise when you began pondering what kind of cake you’ll make, if your elven neighbors would come for a party. Party? Of course, you say? Raucous celebrations were more characteristic of those in Mirkwood, but for you, Haldir realized with a smile the next time you were in his arms, he would lace up his dancing shoes. Insisting on handling the cake, he enlists Lothlórien’s finest baker, the one who crafts for Galadriel herself, to make you a gorgeous dessert that sits at your celebration’s center. He lets you teach him a dance or two and performs one you both know, letting loose and even just laughing in simple joy. Your gift is his favorite part of the evening, a mantle crafted of the strongest material that will keep you safe and looking beautiful as you always do in his eyes.

Galadriel

Oh, you are going to be pampered. The most beautiful sunlight kissing your skin as Galadriel whispers good morning, caressing your cheek and pulling you into her lips. Spending the morning exactly how she knows you like before treating you to a day of luxury. Healing massages for you both, a ride upon Lothlórien’s boats until you moor at the base of a great waterfall, the power of your love’s ring parting the waterfall as she beckons you into a wonderfully dry and decorated hollow. Therein you share a meal and each other’s company, whispered words of how much you mean to each other and all your desires shared before you are gifted a necklace bearing the great works and designs of Lórien- but most importantly engravings of Galadriel’s love for you hidden beneath the metal swirling around its white stone.

Elrond

Having a complicated family history himself, Elrond takes the task upon his own shoulders to show others compassion, comfort, and most of all senses of belonging and being loved. Of course this extends to your birthday! He wishes you well from the first and tells you what a blessing you are, how you surprise him with your strength and warm him with your smile every day. And do not doubt that you’ll be treated to the most luxurious of baths and Elrond washing and styling your hair for you. Following that is an afternoon lavished with gifts, jewelry and art and all you could ask for. That night, Elrond brings you up to the highest point in all of Rivendell to stargaze and so he can hold you and sway with you beneath the lights that looked down upon and symbolized his ancestors.

Arwen

Unless you specifically request the opposite, she’ll steal you away completely. Gone are you from the many eyes which could fall upon you, gone far off hand in hand with your beloved. Riding away to a secluded hollow where you and Arwen can be free, be yourselves. Lay in each other’s arms, weave flowers in each other’s hair, and flush joyfully and bashfully when she reaches up to feed you by hand, her own face a playful grin. Each kiss she gives you is deep, languid, intent, her hands falling to you as if to hold you there forever, but you mind not being bewitched so by her. Whispers of how grateful she is for your birth shared between your lips until they are joined again. Arwen’s gift to you is a ring, one that bears words of her own writing within its band. My love for all time.

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[sunboki]

hi august!! it’s 🍭 anon from your blurboki blog!! i just had the worst shift of my entire life. i had to close my whole store down by myself after working 12 hours at two different jobs while running on two hours of sleep and i was so behind that i was there an hour past my scheduled shift. if you have the time, could you give me headcanons of how skz would comfort a stressed reader coming home from work and breaking down in front of them;( my boys are the only thing keeping my sanity right now. i hope you’ve had a good day today, and your mom is so cute for those minsung texts<33

🧷 SKZ COMFORTING YOU AFTER A STRESSFUL DAY

・ including. ot8

・ warnings crying, nicknames, mental breakdowns, angst

note. rushing to write this as fast i can because you deserve it for being so unbelievably sweet and incredible. you’re doing amazing i hope you know that, and please, even if it’s hard to make time while being so busy, make time to take care of yourself, okay? i recommend watching episodes 33, 52, and 61 of chan’s room, they’re some of my favorite comfort watches <3

CHAN hates when you cry. He hates it so much it makes him feel sick to his stomach. He could still perfectly remember how your voice had shook, looking so utterly sad and broken and it made him feel like everything was his fault—that he should’ve done better. Better at protecting you, caring for you, everything. Not like he didn’t before, just better. Urging you to take deep breaths and listen to him as he spoke, he pulled you into his chest, helping calm your frantic heart down. “It’s going to be okay, listen to me baby, you’re okay.” Chan whispered, soul splintering into pieces from your fragile hiccups against his t-shirt, sounding so fragile and pained. Oh what he would give to kiss all your worries away, hug you close to him for eternity—till you never felt this way ever again. He would. He’d stay here all night—no, his entire life—if that’s what it took.

MINHO kicked his feet as he walked back to your place, plastic bag filled with snacks from the convenience store swinging aimlessly beside him. Though suddenly his phone began ringing, face lighting up upon seeing your number. “Jagi~ did you miss m-“..Min.. can you come home faster please? I really need you right now.” Something was wrong. Very wrong. He’d never stopped in his tracks so fast, bag long abandoned behind him as he sprinted as fast as he could. Basically slamming into the door with panic before collecting you—who was curled up on the floor—into his arms and hushing your rambles, rocking back and forth as he let you cry, cry and cry until you murmured that your face hurt from the tears and he eased you to fall asleep, giving your lips an open kiss as your head tipped back against his shoulder, finally succumbing to the exhaustion. Minho didn’t need to know what happened, what was wrong. He didn’t care, you could save that for later. Right now, he needed to make sure his love was safe and warm.

CHANGBIN looked up from his phone as the key to the door clicked, awaiting you with upturned lips and happiness-filled crescent moon eyes. That was, before you pulled your bottom lip between your teeth, choking on the bubbling sob threatening to climb up your throat. It was like slow-motion watching you crumble, and he immediately grabbed your hands and led you to the foot of your shared bed, giving your hands soft squeezes. A silent, ‘I’m here, so don’t be afraid to talk to me.’ Speaking words that didn’t need to be spoken. Changbin was good at that. “I’m just so overwhelmed with work and life and today was beyond shitty. And it’s unbelievably hard sometimes to exist, y’know?” He nods in response, appearing equally upset. Watching you break down is extremely difficult for him, but he knows this is how you recover, how you get through this and he can’t interfere. Without saying anything, the rapper stares at you so lovingly, beckoning you into a long, cozy hug as he pats the top of your head.

HYUNJIN could see the heart-breaking glossiness of your eyes before any words were shared between you two. Simultaneously, he lifted a finger to your lips, brows lifted expectantly. “Shh.. not yet, not yet. Wait, sweetness.” Then proceeds to wrap you into a blanket burrito and turn on disney movies at low volume while you’re pulled into his lap on the couch, all in a matter of thirty seconds. He runs gentle fingers along your cheeks, trailing up to thumb away stray tears dappling your under eyes. So, so delicate, like someone could snap the line of carefulness with a dull butter knife. Hyunjin listens to you attentively, as if you were the only thing existent in the moment. He listens and listens and listens some more, letting you release all the built up anxiety and stress drowning you. Once you finish, he ever-so slightly tips your chin to kiss him, hands cupping either side of your face. “We’re going to get through this together, trust me.”

HAN’s entire expression shifts instantly, brows knitting with concern and eyes growing wide. “Baby?” Head snapping up, he frantically nods, debating on what his first move should be. “Could I.. cry? For a second.” You shakily ask, and to say his heart broke was an understatement. “Baby, you never have to ask. Now c’mere.” He meekly smiles, patting the spot on the couch beside him. Turns out, your boyfriend isn’t as strong as you thought, because a mere ten minutes into your crying and he joins, whining jumbled sentences in between sobs about how he plans to beat up whoever’s responsible until you begin laughing at him and he cries even more because: “I love you so much— stop laughing~” and “I don’t understand why you’re laughing, this is sad!” Not to mention this crying fiasco eventually leads to the both of you fast asleep sprawled on the couch, snacks and drinks scattered everywhere as emotional support. Nonetheless, you could always count on Jisung to be there for you, cry with you, laughing with you, anything. Always.

FELIX throws off his oven mitts upon hearing your bag hit the floor, but what he hadn’t expected at the door were heavy tears steaming down your face, sniffing profusely to replace the air quickly snatched from your lungs with each breath. He falters, assessing the situation at hand. You’re incapable of talking, mind racing too fast too properly react. Although, without fail, Felix ushers you into a chair, pulling his own up to sit in front of you. Big, mystifyingly beautiful brown orbs study your face, kindly making eye-contact in the midst of your blinking. Reassurance, kindness. Felix is undeniably patient, undeniably kind. He disappears, scouring through cabinets to return with a small dessert and an equally small fork. Tediously cutting a small bite, he holds the treat up to you, humming like a proud mother watching her baby eat when you take a bite. One by one, more and more bites. More humming, more light touches brushing away sticky strands of hair plastered onto your face. Quiet. Your apartment is quiet and has been since you returned. No one has said a word, but Felix seems to always find a way to say how much he loves and cares for you.

SEUNGMIN can tell. Even on the most normal of days, he can tell. Like today, when you nonchalantly kissed his cheek like you usually did and retreated into the bedroom, he could tell. A shift in the air. Subtle, but a shift in the air, because when he walked in afterwards, leaning forward where you sat, laptop placed on your desk, he watched you stifle a billowing noise before the wave crashed and you buried your face in your hands. “I can’t keep doing this, Seungmin.” Using his name like that, not Minnie or Min, but Seungmin told him all he needed to know. Wrapping himself around you from behind, he sighed softly. “I know you’re tired, and I know you want to stop but you’re doing good. You’ve been doing good, so please don’t let this bad day ruin better days in the future. ‘M so proud of you.” He mumbles against your neck, leaving chaste kisses there. For Seungmin, your boyfriend that (playfully) picked fun at you to be saying things like this meant a lot. You couldn’t contain the tears after that. “I love you, Minnie.” — “No, ‘love you more.” — “Are you sure?” — “Nope.” — “Hey!”

JEONGIN struggles to make out your shape in the darkness, laying in bed where he’d been waiting for you. Today you returned late, stuttering over every chance of communicating as you clumsily slipped into bed beside him. He immediately raised up, nudging you closer to him to cuddle. “Mm love, what’s going on, tell me.” He asked, tone low from sleep. “I don’t want to talk about it, ‘just want you, Innie.” He cracks a weak smile, burying his face in your collarbone. “Then I’m here, for you.” Jeongin hums, allowing you to mumble your frustrations and thoughts without complaint, trying to reply his best while feeling himself drift off periodically. Eventually, you both fall asleep beside each other, limbs tangled and hair splayed in all directions. In the morning he helps ice your puffy eyes, big hands holding onto your hips gently as your back lean against him, both brushing your teeth. And you decide, with Jeongin, nothing can be wrong. Nothing can hurt, nothing bad will last. He’s safe. You love him.

sunboki, may 2022 ©

[nocturnalazure]

15 questions for 15 mutuals

I was tagged by @descendantdragfi, thank you so much!

1. Are you named after anyone? No, my first name was a pretty common French one in the period I was born. My second and third names come from my godmother (who was also my grandmother, bless her soul) and godfather (who is also my uncle and who I heartily dislike).

2. When was the last time you cried? I’m beyond crying but I had tears in my eyes 2 weeks ago when my therapist told me I needed to take a break from work and rest.

3. Do you have kids? I wish that question was not randomly thrown at people. It’s very personal and can be a sensitive topic.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? When I’m angry/annoyed. In everyday life, it’s less insulting to use irony.

5. What sports do you play/have you played? I’m utterly uninterested in sport. I hate sweating, I hate competition and I never understand the rules. When I was a teen, I did some tennis and a wee bit of horseriding. Nowadays I just do yoga by myself.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about other people? Incidentally, I was asked the same question for the employee interview at my work. Here’s my reply:

Whatever is the most noticeable thing about that person at that moment. Aren’t people like puzzles? You start with one piece that catches your eye, not necessarily the most useful, but then you gradually build up the bigger picture.

7. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings, definitely. There are enough scary and sad things in the real world, why would I want to see that replicated in fiction too?

8. Any special talents? Not that I know of.

9. Where were you born? Brussels, Belgium.

10. What are your hobbies? These days, it’s mostly reading (about 70 books a year and I’m a slow reader) and writing (that encompasses this little thing called Sims storytelling, you may have heard of it? It is quite time-consuming.). Also, daydreaming about said story (that takes a SHITLOAD of time).

11. Do you have any pets? A big black doggo with big brown eyes and the energy of twenty rabid gerbils.

12. How tall are you? 170cm.

13. Fave subject in school? Languages: French, Dutch and English.

14. Dream job? I’m still trying to figure it out but I think the short answer is that I’d like to have the choice not to work at all. Financial dependency on anything tends to ruin whatever ideals you had.

15. Eye colour? Supposedly green, with brown specks that make it look a muddy kaki.

Tagging (apologies, some of you have already been tagged - feel free to ignore): @danjaley, @nornities, @yorithesims, @hancyan, @wannabecatwriter, @dandylion240, @happy-lemon, @miss-may-i, @bool-prop, @reverieinsimlish, @vampireacademysims, @ninjaofthepurplethings, @ktarsims, @batsheba, @rachel-homeanddesign-sims

[thisaintascenereviews]

Spiritbox - The Fear Of Fear

If you haven’t looked at my previous review, which is a retrospective / review on Spiritbox’s debut album, 2021’s Eternal Blue, definitely do so, because I don’t want this review to be as long and rambling as that was, although I had a reason for that. I wanted to dig deep into that record, but long story short (and if you don’t have time to dig into that piece), Eternal Blue is one of the best albums of the 2020s, and it’s also one of the most unique albums of the last few years. They took elements of djent, prog-metalcore, and alternative-metal, and made a heavy yet accessible record that feels like it could be a gateway record for people. It was also the first record in a few years that I really fell in love with; I hadn’t listened to any new music in a few years and I wanted to get into some new stuff, but this record blew me away. It was also the first album in a long time that inspired me to write again.

Needless to say, I’ve been anxious for what this band is going to do next, and whether or not it’ll top Eternal Blue. I don’t normally have those types of expectations, but when it comes to a very talented and unique band like this one, I do. Spiritbox is my favorite of this decade so far, especially newer bands, and I’ve been eagerly awaiting new stuff. We did get an EP last year, although it was just a short three-song project entitled Rotoscope, and it wasn’t anything too special, as it felt like leftovers from Eternal Blue, but it did showcase their alt-metal side more. I’ve gone back to it recently and it’s better than I remember, but when they announced The Fear Of Fear, their new EP, I was excited beyond belief.

I’m so happy to say that the excitement was worth it, because this EP is amazing. It’s one of the best records of the year, and that’s not just because I love this band, but this is what I wanted from them, and what I knew they could do. The Fear Of Fear expands on their sound that takes on djent, metalcore, and alt-metal. It does something more with it, and takes their sound to new heights. There’s also a lot of variety and versatility to this EP, as the opening track, “Cellar Door,” as well as “Angel Eyes,” are a couple of the heaviest tracks that they’ve ever done, but “Ultraviolet,” and “Too Close / Too Late” are some of the most melodic and accessible. Songs like “Jaded” and “The Void” are right in the middle, and they serve a good purpose.

The performances are great across the board, especially vocalist Courtney LaPlante, who sounds the best she ever has here. The instrumentation is great, too, as some of the riffs and breakdowns are some of my favorites. “Jaded” is one of my favorite Spiritbox songs period, and it’s awesome that it’s nominated for a Grammy. Same with “Angel Eyes,” it’s one of my favorite riffs that they’ve done and it’s one of the heaviest songs they’ve put out. It’s awesome hearing them get that heavy, but it works so well.

The main issue that I have with this EP is that it’s too short. It’s 25 minutes, which is a good length, but it’s too short. You know it’s not bad when the biggest problem with an album is that it’s too short and you want more. I wish this was a full length, but quality over quantity. I’m glad they put out an EP’s worth of songs that are very good, versus an album of songs that are mediocre. I’ll take that any day, and they certainly deliver on that. This EP was worth the wait and it’s one of the best of the year. If you haven’t gotten on board with this band yet, now’s the time. I hope they win that Grammy, although it might it not happen, because they usually give the Grammy to the established acts, and this year has all established acts but one. Even so, this EP is one of my top albums of the year, and I’m so happy that they really delivered with an utterly amazing record.

[distort1xn]

life is honestly the weirdest thing any of us could possibly go through.

i had bronchitis a few weeks back, took my meds, felt better for weeks, and now my chest is acting up for reasons i couldn’t even begin to explain to you. during this time, however, i rediscovered a writer i absolutely adore and have been binging her books like a total fanatic. last night, when i woke up in the throws of actual suffocation due to my chest simply having closed up completely, it was her writing i turned to to keep me sane while i sat around at 2AM, waiting for some kind of relief when my meds wouldn’t work.

changing the context, but not the topic.

i got a promotion at work a few months back. i work in finance and i’m quite good at my job, but i inherited an unprofitable book of clients from an ex-colleague and have been fighting an uphill battle ever since. fighting that battle, though, hasn’t been nearly as anxiety-inducing as this promotion. not because i am in danger of losing said promotion, but because it was given to me by my sister and brother-in-law and i really don’t want to mess this up for them. they are applying exactly zero pressure and expect nothing of me other than to do my job the way i was already doing it, but lately i’ve just been fighting work stress like a motherfucker.

more context change.

my baby brother (24) is getting married soon. 14th of september, to be exact. long gone are the expectations that i, as the eldest sibling (my sister is a year older, but we also honorarily adopted her well into adulthood), should be married off and living in domestic bliss by now. my family is well aware that marriage, kids and suburban banality is not my idea of happy-ever-after. but i still feel pressure. i still feel like i should’ve made something of my life by now. not necessarily emotionally, but in some other significant way. i am painfully aware that this is my (extremely likely) thrice neurodivergent ass measuring myself by neurotypical standards. i know, okay? not to mention, we have another brother, between the ‘baby’ and i (he’ll be 26 in december) who isn’t anywhere near marriage yet, either. he has a business that did quite well for a while, but shifting socio-economic factors in our country has made him a bit strapped for cash, too, as of late. so, we’re in the same boat. but i’m not judging him – just myself.

add to this that my mother is seemingly utterly clueless about any sort of trauma whatsoever, because she just sent me a puff piece article about my ex music teacher who was so beyond abusive i can’t even utter his name without getting a panic attack so severe, all the king’s benzos and all the king’s zen couldn’t put me back together again. the man’s abuse of me was emotional, mental and sexual, and i have literally never recovered. 12 years down the line and i have probably uttered his name maybe a handful of times. but, sure, mom – you’re right: i haven’t rehashed those 2 years of trauma in a while. thanks so much for reminding me!

things just haven’t felt ‘normal’ for a while now. i feel scrutinised and weird and like i’m walking on eggshells around myself. i feel like i’m letting people down, even when no one has any expectations of me beyond what i’m already doing. maybe it’s imposter syndrome. anyone who knows me knows that if ‘negative interoception’ was something that could exist on a scale of ‘good’ to ‘bad’, that’d be where i’d fall.

i just wish i could find some way back to myself. i’m watching myself slip into old, bad habits in survival mode, and i don’t need to be here. i’m not in any ‘danger’.

life is weird. emotions are hard. living becomes surviving without any one of us noticing far too easily. help.

[405rew-twain]

Week 15 - The One Where I Get on my High Horse about Frankenstein

Aaaaaand now we’re on the final blog entry. What a wild ride it’s been! Taking a deep dive into Twain’s catalog like this has been a real academic treat, and I’m glad I got the opportunity to record my thoughts and develop them throughout the semester with this page. Without further ado, though, it’s time to dive into the last text of this humble little blog’s run with Little Bessie. (This will all be very much just “my first impressions” centered, as I’m writing this without any context of what the class discussed during our last reading session.)

There’s a lot I could comment on here, especially given how utterly raw and unfiltered this piece is with the Christianity critiques, but let’s just focus on this section from chapter 2, pages 326-327:

“Hollister. Bessie, suppose you should take some meat and bones and fur, and make a cat out of it, and should tell the cat, Now you are not to be unkind to any creature, on pain of punishment and death. And suppose the cat should disobey, and catch a mouse and torture and kill it. What would you do to the cat?

Bessie. Nothing.

H. Why?

B. Because I know what the cat would say. She would say, It’s my nature, I couldn’t help it; I didn’t make my nature, you made it. And so you are responsible for what I’ve done—I’m not. I couldn’t answer that, Mr. Hollister. 

H. It’s just the case of Frankenstein and his Monster over again.

B. What is that?

H. Frankenstein took some flesh and bones and blood and made a man out of them; the man ran away and fell to raping and robbing and murdering everywhere, and Frankenstein was horrified and in despair, and said, I made him, without his consent, and it makes me responsible for every crime he commits. I am the criminal, he is innocent.”

It feels weird to critique something I know was born out of a lot of unimaginable personal hardships and pain, but death of the author and all that—and I need to vent that this seems to me a gross misreading of Frankenstein. It’s not in the monster’s nature to kill and rape, he doesn’t do that at first! It’s only when he faces the cruelty of human prejudice and bigotry that he starts lashing out! Frankenstein’s crime is that he’s an awful father figure to what is basically his child, not that being born is a horrific non-consensual act. The whole piece is just bizarre to me, Twain using a character of an “innocent but wise beyond her years” three year old as an authorial mouthpiece. It’s a text purporting to look at the illogical trappings of Christianity while steeped in its own emotional logical holes, misreading something like Frankenstein to get his point across. It honestly feels like I’m reading someone’s personal diary scrawlings no one else was meant to read—it doesn’t make sense because it wasn’t supposed to, it was for Twain’s own personal catharsis. Like, I want to wag my finger at him for this, but just sitting down and feeling his raw anger and pain in this text makes me feel almost dirty having read it.

…What a note to end the blog on. Happy summer, folks!

[erin-bo-berin]

Exiled

Steve Harrington x Female Reader

Warnings: Angst, Stranger Things season 4 spoilers (specifically episodes 6 & 7) so if you haven’t seen it yet, feel free to save and come back to this

Word Count: 2.7k

So, Taylor Swift and Steve Harrington inspired me to write this little angsty fic. I’m not a huge Taylor fan, but I do enjoy her music and this song got me thinking, what it would be like for the reader and Steve to reunite after a breakup, in some sort of circumstances. This being the scene where his wounds are bandaged in the Upside Down. Instead of it being Nancy, obviously it’s the reader doing it. The entire fic takes place in those few moments. Also, Nancy and Steve never dates in this universe, just as a heads up.  I’m kinda thinking of doing a part 2 to this, cause as much as I love to write angst, I hate leaving it on such a sad note. Plus that one will be actual smut. Let me know if you’d like to see that. Happy reading!

Part 2: Trying

Stupid. He was so stupid.

He should’ve never been the one to run into danger like this—like he always does. Steve Harrington was selfless like that. It’s what you loved about him the most. 

But now, here he was, leaning against a rock, injured beyond belief. Bat-like creatures had torn gashes into both of his sides, teeth ripping into his skin as easily as a knife sliding through butter. He had choke marks around his throat where one demobat had been trying to choke the life out of him. His back was covered with deep cuts and he had endured a plethora of scratches and scrapes after being pulled quite the distance from the portal, a vine from the hive mind wrapped tightly around his ankle.

The most critical of his injuries were the bites, which were currently oozing blood and not clotting like it should be. He was losing enough blood to make him woozy, which is how he ended up leaning against the wall of rock behind him. There was no way to get him medical attention, with you, him and your group stuck in the Upside Down. 

It was you who had managed to catch him as he stumbled, making sure he leaned back safely, as you inspected the wounds, trying to determine the best solution for him until you could get him real medical attention.

It wasn’t until you happened to peer up at Steve that you saw his gaze on yours, looking down at you. His brown eyes held so much in them, beyond the current physical pain he was feeling. So much was said between the two of you in one look, so much that you wished you could say, could express, but had no idea how. Those eyes had an incredible power to make you weak in the knees, heart swell and become breathless all at once. The kind of feelings any person in love could possibly feel.

But in this moment, you felt your heart stutter and your breath catch in your throat. But this time, it was feelings of pain, of agony, of loss. It wasn’t the giddiness of true love, it was the sensation of a broken heart.

I think I’ve seen this film before and I didn’t like the ending 

You and Steve had been great, so utterly great together. He had been your best friend, your confidant, your true love. He knew when you needed a hug after a long day, he knew the little things that made you smile, he knew your passions, dreams and fears. He knew every inch of your body and still made it feel like he was just discovering it for the first time, every time. He knew how to make you laugh and unfortunately, how to make you cry. Sobs that were so deep and gut wrenching, they wracked your entire body. Sobs that didn’t even begin to echo the feeling of your heart cracking apart piece by piece. 

It had only been a month before strange things began stirring in Hawkins that Steve had broken up with you. 

You never saw it coming.

You wondered, days, weeks later if he’d somehow had a premonition of all the evil to come. 

You had begged, cried and pleaded to understand why. Had he fallen out of love with you? Was there someone else? Was it something you’d done?

It’d only been about a year since your paths had first crossed. You had managed to fall into his world—quite literally, when he caught you as you’d almost slipped and fell in the food court of the now destroyed Starcourt mall. He’d piqued your interest at that point, but even then his gentlemanly action had only been the beginning. 

You’d managed to get tangled up in a world that consisted of evil Russians, parallel dimensions, monsters no human mind could imagine on its own, a girl with telekinetic powers and a huge group of badass people who had helped save the world—apparently more than once.

It wasn’t humorous at the time, but looking back, it sort of became it considering you and Steve had gone from near strangers in a mall to falling in love with one another. Of course, that took more than the few days you had spent together initially, but something about being held hostage together and witnessing things very few other people have, had a way of bringing people together. It had been the beginning of your stars colliding.

If things were still normal, you would’ve been grateful for that experience, as messed up as it was because it brought you to him. Now, through your haze of pain, you’d wondered if you’d been better off without ever meeting him.

You’d both survived Starcourt mall, but apparently in the last weeks of your relationship, Steve’s mind had been whirring. 

Maybe he was scared, maybe he really did have a bad feeling, but he knew he couldn’t drag you into anything else that could possibly hurt you. He didn’t want to be the one to cause anything bad to happen to you. He didn’t want to lose you.

That was his reason.

It was a paradox. 

He didn’t want to see you hurt, didn’t want to lose you, yet in that one moment that was exactly what he did. He’d crushed your soul and you’d lost him.

He was too good of a guy, a protector, always the first to head into danger to protect his loved ones. Which, ironically, was how you’d ended up back in his world once again, the two of you, Nancy, Robin and Eddie currently trapped in the Upside Down fighting a new villain. 

It had been the kids who had roped you back in. You still weren’t sure if it was to help you out or Steve. It might’ve been both.

“He needs you,” Dustin had pleaded, “We need you. Scoop Troop, remember?”

You had smiled faintly at the memory. Who would’ve thought such horrific events could have somewhat fond memories?

“He hasn’t been the same,” Max whispered.

You had no idea how Steve had been doing. In fact, you hadn’t even seen him since the breakup. That first week, you’d laid in bed crying, doing nothing but barely following a tv show that was on and drifting in and out of sleep; anything to dull the hollow ache that had settled in your chest. Even when you thought there’d been no more tears left in you, more came.

If it hadn’t been for Nancy and Robin pulling you out of that hole, you might still be there, in a hibernation of sorrow and despair. Their simple act of bringing you food and a few movies to watch together, had done more than you thought it would. You were hurting, but you were slowly trying to get back on your feet. 

Until that fateful day when the kids had shown up at your door—Dustin, Max and Lucas. Trouble had reappeared in Hawkins and they wanted your help, needed it. They were also worried about Steve, who they were afraid for. Apparently his conflicting emotions and guilt were a perfect alluring combination for this new monster, Vecna, who had already killed twice, in a gruesome and horrific way.

Little did you all know that everyone had been worried for the wrong person—Max had been the prey the killer was hunting.

“Y/N,” your name slipped from his lips, breaking you from your tumultuous thoughts.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, “Let me just—“

You stopped speaking as you tore the fabric from the bottom of your shirt, trying to gather enough for a makeshift bandage to wrap around him. You could hear the other three’s voices as they spoke, a short distance away from you both, but the haze of your emotions seemed to dull your senses, as you couldn’t seem to follow what they were saying. It was as if right now, your whole world was Steve.

Even through your emotional pain, your concern for him was evident. He was in pain and trying hard not to show it, his breathing heavy and shallow. 

“You ready?” you asked, on your knees in front of him, eye level with his wounds.

“Yeah, just do it.”

You’re not my homeland anymore, so what am I defending now?

You were by his side, by the kids’ side when Vecna tried his hardest to take Max. 

It was utterly terrifying to watch, but Max was a fighter and she fought like hell to get out of his grasp.

Everything happened so fast after you rejoined your friends, you hadn’t had too much time to sit and analyze how you felt being around Steve once again.

Once Max’s form came tumbling back to the earth, Lucas scooping her up and hugging her, Dustin right by her side, emotions hit.

You were relieved she was alright, relieved that she had escaped that living hell. Steve was just as relieved as you, but it was only in the high emotions of the moment that you’d realized he’d grabbed your hand, squeezing it, the relief coming off his body in waves as he inadvertently pulled you closer to his side where you’d always fit perfectly.

That moment wasn’t spoken of afterwards.

All you had wanted to do when you had dove into Lover’s Lake after him, was to rescue him, take care of him, maybe slap the shit out of him for scaring you so much. When you saw how badly he’d been beaten up, blood dripping from his mouth, you wanted to run to him, hug him, kiss him hard, just to reassure yourself he was still alive.

But you couldn’t. 

He wasn’t yours anymore.

You were my town, now I’m in exile seeing you out

You wrapped the white cloth around his torso, your eyes lingering on his bare upper half.

You’d been intimate, so of course there was nothing of his you hadn’t seen. But your eyes took in the details, the small things you missed so much.

The chest hair that Dustin relentless teased him about, claiming he needed to tame it. You’d reassured Steve that the boys were still young freshmen, they didn’t realize that one day they too might sport their own and in any case, you’d told him you liked his. 

“It adds to the rugged handsome look,” you’d halfway teased, though you’d been completely serious.

You’d love to lay your head on his bare chest, fingers mindlessly playing with the hair there. Even the feeling of it under your hands as you ran your palms over his chest, was something you didn’t realize you could miss.

Your eyes fell to the constellation of freckles across his abdomen, matching the array of them you knew were splattered all along his back. They were so attractive to you, but maybe only because they belonged to him. 

You loved the way they tapered up his neck onto both cheeks, marking him in a unique way. 

You tried counting them once, but remember losing count because Steve couldn’t stay still long enough, sending you into uncontrollable giggles. You’d even been tempted to kiss each and every one you could find on his body, but knew it would take way too long and besides, your body would usually be ready to move on to other more important activities at times like that.

You missed the feel of him, the sound of him, the smell of him. Every molecule in your body ached for him, in a different way than in its usual sexual way. It was a longing for something familiar, something it knew had made you thrive. You felt like a plant deprived of sunshine, slowly withering away without the water needed to help your roots grow and your petals to bloom.

You bit your lip, trying your hardest to be gentle, but trying to wrap it enough to staunch the bleeding. You could hear his harsh exhales, knowing it probably hurt more than he’d ever admit.

Your eyes flicked upwards and saw his grimace of pain, making you wish you could take it away from him. If it were between the two of you, you’d rather be the one hurt, just so he wouldn’t have to experience the pain. You would do anything in your power to keep him from hurting.

“Sorry,” you whispered, knowing that even if you were helping, it was probably adding to the pain.

“S’okay,” he whispered back.

You caught a glimpse of how his head tipped back, his hands running through his hair as you pulled the end of the makeshift bandage back around to a close.

He was so absolutely stunning and he didn’t even realize it. His playful demeanor often alluded that he knew he was attractive, but you’d seen those precious, vulnerable moments when you knew he didn’t believe it; those moments when you had to reassure him just how much you loved him. The poor relationship with his parents had left him more damaged than most knew, his insecurity in his belief of being loved being the biggest. 

Even though you knew the movement was made in reaction to the discomfort, your mind couldn’t help but briefly wander to other scenarios when you’d seen him just like this—but on the other end of the spectrum from pain. When you’d been in a position quite like this one, but with no injuries and a lot less clothes, praises and moans falling from his beautiful, pale pink lips as your own were wrapped around him. 

Or the feeling of your hands sliding through his hair as he kissed you. It often varied from a slow, sensual kiss, filled with all the love he had inside of him—that he couldn’t put into the right words—to the desperate, wild ones when you were just a hairs breath away from exploding into fireworks of ecstasy as he moved deep within you, ready to shatter with you. 

His hair. That damn hair. What he was apparently known for in high school, he’d told you before. It was just one more thing in a long list that you loved—love—and also missed.

You managed to successfully get the material around him, grunting as you try to pull it tight enough to stop the bleeding.

“Too tight?”

“No, that’s good,” he responded, leaning slowly back against the smooth surface of the rock with a groan, chest heaving.

He eyed the bandage, now securely around his body, his eyes flicking to yours, just as you look up at him.

“Thanks.”

I think I’ve seen this film before

His voice, breathless as it is, is so full of tenderness that it makes you wish he’d just take you into his arms, promise that everything will be okay.

But it’s not going to be. The future is unsure. Not only with the threat to the town, but with your own heart.

You know you can’t keep doing this. Your heart can’t take it. He’s wearing you down bit by bit. His beautiful face, which once brought you nothing but happiness and joy, is the worst thing in the world for you to see now. You love him too much. 

It’s only moments that your gaze is locked with his again, but you can feel every single emotion you’re currently feeling way too loudly.

Love. Protectiveness. Fear. Sorrow. 

Steve looks like he desperately wants to say something, but doesn’t know what. You could say a million things right about now.

I love you.

I miss you.

I miss us.

Please be okay.

I can’t do this.

When this is over—not this fight, but literally getting out of the Upside Down, you’re walking away. 

Maybe you and Steve aren’t meant to be. But you can’t keep torturing yourself and making yourself believe that everything is okay when it clearly isn’t. For your own sanity, you have to leave Steve Harrington in your rearview mirror. 

The thought brings tears to your eyes and he wavers in your sight, as they threaten to spill down your cheeks.

Perhaps he mistook the tears to be about his injuries, for when one escapes, his hand is right there cupping your cheek, thumb brushing the tear away as his fingers gently caress your skin.

“It’s okay. I’m okay,” he assures.

You don’t know how you find the strength to find your voice, but it still cracks the tiniest bit when you answer.

“I’m not.”

So I’m leaving out the side door

[riewritten]

27 WHAT SHOULD BE

DUSK IN THE BRIGHTEST | chapter directory

erwin smith/fem!reader, erwin smith/you, no y/n | slow burn, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff & smut, mutual pining, canon AU, college/univ AU, professor erwin smith, commander erwin smith, non-linear narrative, manga spoilers

Trigger warning: canon-typical violence, graphic description, explicit sexual content, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues, trauma, implied/referenced sexual harassment, implied/referenced abuse, attempted murder, overdosing

Plot: It was always the nightmares, really. Entrapped with walls, human-eating giants, fighting through metal strings and swords – utterly violent, dreary, recurrent. But behind the blurry faces was a man with menacing blue eyes and vivid features; eventually appearing before you as your new reputable professor, Erwin Smith. Since then, the disaster had slipped beyond your subconscious. AO3

He cleared his throat and then rested the paper on his table. “No. Enter.” As you handed the document in your hand, you playfully sneaked on it.

“Erwin, they just handed me the budget regarding—oh.” You stopped at the door in quite a surprise. Erwin was smiling on the bookshelf, holding a piece of paper in his hand. “Did I interrupt something?”

“I thought it’s good news, but this paper seems old.” You pondered. “Can I read it?”

Erwin sat on his office chair and started browsing the report you gave him. “As long as you don’t laugh. It’s something from my cadet years.” 

“I will certainly laugh, but okay.” You slightly leaned your back on the table. “I thought the art behind your handwriting is inborn. This one’s messy.”

Erwin heaved a small chuckle. “Cut me off some slack, that’s just a silly scribble.” And so you started reading it. You released a snort as soon as you came to the first line. “I told you not to laugh.” He glanced at you.

“What is this even?”

“That’s not from me. I just helped a friend in completing it.”

“Riveted by your gentle croon, singing on the dawn of becoming a brave soldier, to obtain the happiness of two…” After reading it out loud, you pondered for a while then snorted again, “You didn’t write this for yourself.”

“Because sweet words don’t suit me?”

“In another world, it definitely would.”

Despite your very genuine answer, Erwin thought you were offending him. “You’re becoming blunter lately. While you’re not wrong on that because it’s Nile’s and I begrudgingly helped him hence the writing, that must not be the attitude of someone who shamelessly cried in public all because someone treated her to dinner.”

You cleared your throat to hide the flush of embarrassment. “That’s not the reason I cried. It’s because I—” lived in a world I wasn’t supposed to exist. “—had a bad dream.”

“Is that so? Must be very bad then. Soldiers say you’ve been smiling a lot and you made them feel like teenagers in love again.” You loudly laughed at that and so he muttered a weak “See?” to further prove his point. 

Even before you could retort to that, Levi knocked on the door. “Hope I’m not interrupting something.” He walked towards Erwin’s table to hand another document. “About the battle strategy for the next expedition. For your approval.” 

Erwin hummed and tapped on the table so Levi would put it there. He didn’t shift his attention to the budget paper you gave him. “Captain Levi is trying to get an expense for tea again.” He mused after a while.

“You're not the one to talk when you seem satisfied with the wine budget allotted for the upcoming get-together." Levi grimaced.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.” Erwin forced a laugh as he put his stamp on it. 

“Also, the nobleman Reeves is acquainted with already confirmed the schedule for the partnership meeting. They want it to happen this evening.”

“Really? They should’ve said so sooner.” You remarked. “It will take a while ‘til I get there.” You replied as you remember this is exactly how you responded back then.

“And that’s the thing. They personally want to have Erwin there.” Skimming through your mind, you realized what the meeting is about. 

“Fine with me. They offered lots after all.” He then looked at you. “You’re going with me.”

“And this,” Levi handed the green coat to Erwin. “You left this in the meeting room. How clumsy could you be?”

Looking at it made your eyes wide at the memory— the cloth you managed to rip from his remains that day.

Before Erwin could reach for it, you grabbed it for yourself and clung to it for dear life. “I’ll hold it. We’re… going together after all.” The two stared at you for a while.

“Is that so,” Levi said in quite an amusement. And as if he remembered something, he called your name. “About the revisions you made on the battle strategy. How were you able to deduce that?”

Because I already went through it. “Just weighed down the possibilities.”

“And you put your squad in a position most vulnerable in the formation. Do you know what that means?”

You laughed sadly, “Everyone going to the expedition is in a vulnerable position, Levi.”

“I’m also up for revising it a bit. I saw some discrepancies.” Erwin added.

“It’s already concluded and squad leaders are handing it down to their subordinates as we speak. If we’re going to change it because of the susceptibility in the position then we might as well not go at all.” You replied.

“Have a triumphant death, then.” Levi turned his back on the two of you and went out of the office.

When you glanced at Erwin again, he looked bothered. Your crippling anxiety about him acting on making you quit reverberated again; you quickly pondered on changing the topic. You looked all over the room to find one until your gaze landed on the old paper again. A memory sparked in you; perhaps this was the same paper he got the inspiration to have countless letters for you after he died. “You write so well for someone barely an adult.” You took hold of it. “I’m glad I was able to see it.”

“Why? Haven’t seen one?”

You shook your head no. “I saw lots of it. It even came monthly.”

“I’m not surprised.” He replied. “What have you thought about it, then?”

“It’s sad. So many words that I wanted to hear personally became mere writings I was struggling to visualize.” You sadly muttered. “I… really want to hear those words myself.” Then it became silent. The tragedy of those moments was still bothering you even after having a second chance to change everything. “Perhaps I’m too greedy about it.”

“Whoever that was, I’m sure they wanted to tell those words upfront as well.”

“I hope they did.” His remark made you smile, “Let’s go now, shall we?”

As usual, he shot you the blank stare he tends to have whenever you smile heartily. “That face again. Odd.”

“Is it that weird?”

“Kind of.” He stood up as well and so both of you started walking outside. “But definitely not a bad thing to see.” 

Upon recollection of what was supposed to happen today, it came to you that it would rain by evening. Just like any other attempts to have him alone with you at every chance you could get, the opportunity of the weather is something you wouldn’t waste.

“I can’t believe they tried to do that.” You flatly remarked as soon as the meeting was concluded.

You’re on your way back to the barracks now. The merchant you went to this evening had put a drug in Erwin’s wine so he’d be wasted enough to make a scandal. Originally, you dismissed yourselves without saying a word, but to make things different and to delay stuff so you’d be stuck in the rain with him, you instigated a commotion this time around.

“And I can’t believe you lost your composure like that.”

“It’s not a big deal. I just gave them a word.”

“Undiplomatically.” He clarified.

You pursed your lips tight to hold a laugh and ignored his remark. As you opened your palm to feel the anticipated raindrops, you remark. “Oh no, it’s starting to rain now.”

"They probably thought the Survey Corps still wasn't worth investing in so they intended to switch to the Garrison. Seems like that’s it for our partnership." Erwin looked at the sky as well. "We're lucky that was the last appointment we have for today." You found an empty gazebo that could temporarily shelter the both of you. You clicked a smile then. Your plan is successful. "Are you glad we're stuck under the rain?" Erwin asked as you walked towards it; his eyebrows were curled.

"No. Why would I?" Your smile didn't falter though. You barely wiped up the wet drops on your uniform as soon as you landed on the roof. “I’m just glad we were able to find a shelter this quick.”

Erwin seems to be quite accustomed to your oddity this time around so he ended the banter there. You’re thankful he was able to adjust to it quickly as you’re well aware he’d be lost on how to jive into your sudden friendliness. He ended up talking to you way more leniently as well— more open, lighter even. Had the previous you were aware he would easily reciprocate your persistence, you would have done this immediately. After a while of pondering, he said. “A rain this hard makes me remember how challenging our formation becomes during expeditions. Some titans move slower due to the lack of natural light, but some could still function with ease. I remember having some of your squadmates die because of that.”

“Right. This bugs me the most during my nightmares.” You mindlessly muttered.

“You have nightmares?”

“Don’t we all have one?”

“I rarely have one because I sleep very lightly, but you’re right, it constantly comes in deep periods of sleep.” Another memory from his letter— “When I touched your face for the very first time, the death of your brother showed up to me in my sleep. On the day I brazenly repeated the same mistake by resting beside you, your brother came back with all of our fallen comrades to put me in my place. Their voices got louder since then, and I just know better than to anger them more.”

“Do you hear our comrades whenever you dream?”

“I dreamt of your brother recently.”

“What did he say?”

“He said a lot of things,” Erwin pondered. “—and he was angry.”

“If there’s someone who knows him the most in this world, it’s me, and I can assure you he could never be angry with you, Erwin.”

“You don’t know that. It’s been so long since he died.”

All this time, you thought that if you end up giving in to your feelings, this man would do all things necessary to make you quit; you were utterly afraid of that. You still think that’s what he’d do until now, but at least you’ll be able to stop it because unlike before, you understand him more. “I never saw him that happy before. You granted the life he wished to have for so long. That’s something I can never give to him.”

“And he died because of me.”

“All our comrades didn't die for your selfish wish. They have one of their own and you have to come to terms with that. You don’t own their will as they were never your pawns. They know what they came here for. My brother knew what he came for.” Erwin went silent and when you glanced at him you saw a wistful look on his face; he watched the raindrops on the wet ground. Such a gentle look, you thought to yourself. He looked mournful but unlike before, it was a gentle and open one; it’s neither tiring nor dreadful to look at. "I've got nightmares too. It's continuous and scary. I used to never get enough sleep because of it."

"About what?"

"About this world but I don't know anyone. Their faces were blurred and I used to cry about it every single time. Then you started appearing in those dreams as the only one with clear features. It’s needless to say that I was completely terrified to see you there.” 

"You wouldn't have to suffer that much had I left you alone before."

"Wrong. Your appearance in those nightmares was my saving grace. I used to loathe sleeping only to wake up in that but whenever I'm reminded that you’re here as well, it kept me in solace instead. The nightmares aren’t nightmares anymore because you’re there.” You answered resolutely. “So whether you hold me down or not, all the choices I've made and will be making in this life are mine alone. And for the upcoming expedition, whether I die there or not, only I have the right to choose it. Don't remove my will from me.” You looked at him again.

This time his wistful expression is plastered with a smile. “You’re being too kind with your words tonight. Perhaps the rain made you sick.”

“Yeah, the weather unleashed my sentimentality.” You laughed and stayed silent as you realized you don’t want this moment to end. You tried to come up with excuses to have him longer in your company. “I want to have soup, Commander.” You said after a while of pondering.

"I'm genuinely curious what's with soup that fancies you."

Oh, how you utterly despise soup. "I fancy the one who accompanies me as I eat it." You replied. Erwin's genuinely surprised look almost made you laugh out loud.

"You should stop being that blunt to me." A previous conversation struck you yet again, it was from your drunk Erwin this time; “If you showed this to me way before I would’ve just easily given in, you know?” The recollection made you laugh. That’s exactly what you want to happen.

"I certainly won't but I appreciate the suggestion nonetheless. Let's have one near the barracks."

"I haven't agreed yet.'' Erwin wryly replied.

"You never ask for my approval whenever I accompany you for a drink. Who do you think you are?"

"Your commander. That's who I am." He retorted with a chuckle.

"Hah. Who do you think I am, then?" You shot back with a glare.

"Who do I think you are?" Erwin unfolded his green cloak. You thought he'd be ready to go after wearing it but he wrapped it up on you instead. As he pushed down the hoodie on your head, he held onto your shoulder. "My prettiest soldier asking me out for dinner. That's who you are." Then you rushed down under the rain.

Despite walking quite fastly with the cold wind and raindrops draping all over you, the remark made you hot all over. As usual, you're thankful he covered you up because he'd see how flustered you are otherwise.

You felt extremely courageous since then. Not only did you ask him to eat with you, you even offered a drink under the reason that you’re way too cold for tonight (that was a lie, you just want to extend the moment). Sure enough, it didn’t come to a point of inebriety as you wanted to stay sober to relish every moment you have.

As you wait on another gazebo for carriages, he remarked. “Don’t go to the upcoming expedition. You’ve contributed lots of help as it is. I also figured there has to be at least one Scout left to oversee the succeeding steps after retaking the Wall Maria.”

You huffed at the excuse. “I appreciate it if you’d be more honest, Commander.”

“Right.” He chuckled. “It’s my personal wish to not have you there.”

I know. “I can’t say I don’t understand. I’m having the urge of holding you down from coming as well. What are we supposed to do, then? If we’ll hold each other down, should we just not go at all?”

“No.”

“Right. This talk is futile.”

“But tell me,” Erwin prompts. “If we succeeded in getting the answer and you survived, are you going to quit?”

“Peace is not what happens once we discovered the secret beyond the walls.” Remembering everything that happened afterward made you crestfallen.

“But that doesn't mean you won't continue living." He mused, "All the things I had told you when we met Marie and her children; I still mean it until now.”

“I’m completely sure that’s not what you wanted to happen, though.”

Erwin clicked a subtle amused smile then. “What do you think I’d like to happen, then?”

You held on your knuckles tight as you try to stop yourself from blurting it out. You’ve already been out of character as it is and if you won’t hold yourself back this time, he might start to shut off again. But still— “You told me that someone who’d live beside me like that will be a very lucky person, whoever they might be.” You faced him with a fluster, but you also lacked patience hence the glare. “And I told you that every people I hold with affection are reckless bastards with disturbing attraction to death; if one would prefer living beside me with fake security then they're certainly not the people I love.” You bit your lip as you attempted to not let more emotionality pave the way. Erwin looks completely taken aback already. “So I’m certain that’s not what we wanted to happen. Am I wrong?” He didn’t answer and you can’t recognize what his face says as well. “Am I wrong, Erwin?”

He called your name gently. “I don’t think I can keep up with your oddity anymore.” You know that very well. You can feel your arms limping. You’re tired and you can’t think of anything to do, nothing but wishful thinking that he's the same as he is beyond this world because you want to falter already. If you’d be honest, you’re not even sure how to change the nightmare of seeing him dead. “I know.” You begrudgingly answered.

"Your knuckles are getting bruised with all the clinching and I see you're about to cry.”

“I know.”

“And it seems like you haven’t learned your lesson as well. You know whatever vulnerability we show to each other whenever we’re alone always led to no good."

“I know. I also know it’d rain tonight and I want us to get stuck in it. That’s why I stalled ourselves by causing a commotion back at the mansion.” You sighed. “I asked you to eat dinner with me so our time alone would extend up to this moment. I know what I’m doing.”

“You know what you’re doing?” He repeated with utter curiosity. He’s completely facing you this time around. The rain had stopped and the people emptying the road signified the end of dusk and the beginning of the cold night. “I don’t think you know.”

“I know.” You glared at him but completely halted as soon as you saw the look on his face. It’s not unfamiliar anymore. You know that look well. He showed it to you a lot of times in the world where you came from. “I… completely know.” You added weakly.

He took a step forward and the proximity tipped closer. “Is that so? Then why do you sound not so confident anymore?” He asked, lowly this time. “Sure it’s not the alcohol?”

The knowing tone, the small gleam on his eyes, the slight curl of his lips. You almost perked up at the realization. “What’s the point of asking me that?”

“It’s because I'm not very exhausted tonight so you're quite in a trouble right now. It’d be hard for me to go back considering how bad you ran my patience dry.”

“And I’m telling you I’m the reason why we ended up like this—” You were cut off when he landed his hand on your cheek and pulled you until your noses bump.

“Why would you do that? Tell me.” He drawled, his tone was taunting. All the courage you’ve got since you woke up in this world died down just because of that tone. However, you pushed him to his limits. You should know better, and he can’t take your lateness to respond. “I asked you a question. Answer.”

“What comes up in your mind is correct.” You echoed his remark back at the royal castle.

Erwin heaved a deep chuckle. “What’s coming up in my mind right now is to take you home with me and give you whatever you want. Reward you for making me lose my yearslong patience in just a month.”

“Then do so. I worked hard to get you like that.” You helplessly reached out to him until your lips bump. Finally, your mind repeated over and over. You intended it to be soft, with a smile even, but his hand immediately slipped to the back of your head and pulled you harder towards him. When you released a quick gasp and gave his tongue an entrance, he quickly relished it for his own. It went for a moment and the cold place went unexplainably warm until Erwin cut it off and you slightly leaned your head due to the loss of contact. Why would he end it? It's not enough yet.

He pressed his forehead against yours, “Worked hard to get me like this? How blunt of a lady you are. How did my pretty soldier get this blunt?"

“Are you scared?"

"Definitely not for myself.” He heaved a weak laugh as he made sure the distance remained with a grip on your face.

The fluster, the unsteady breathing, and the lidded eyes can't go unnoticed by him. It says a lot about how amused his face is. "Please spare me this talk and take me already." You leaned again so he'd continue the kiss. He didn't grant you that yet as he's completely taking pleasure at how desperate you are.

“How do you want me to take you?”

“In any way you can.” You pleaded. You’re more than sure about it. The only thing left to do for tonight is to assure him your comrades can never get angry at the love you’re about to give, that he doesn’t have to have nightmares about it. So he’d be able to sleep soundly in your embrace. Just like how he did for you when you’re still struggling with your own nightmares. “Reward me for being a good girl that ran your patience dry.”

You almost heard him mutter a curse under his breath but the kiss he planted on your forehead immediately calmed him down. He hummed in concurrence. “Is that okay? I doubt you’ll be able to sleep tonight.”

previous chapter | next chapter

this chapter was heavily inspired by erwin's AU smartpass. i LOVE everything about it. and i published this story last july 19, 2021, which means it's been here for a year now. yay :)

i'm currently working on changing POVs from chapter 1-13 and as of writing im on chapter 9. i don't have the motivation to do it tho and im thinking of leaving it as it is so if someone would like to help me on that, i'd be more than glad to have you (シ_ _)シ

anyway, next chapter will be purely smut. i always opt to separate the smut in every chapter so readers who prefer to skip it would have things easier. furthermore, i got really motivated by the comments you guys have given me in chapter 22, that's why i'm eager to try my best again.

[hoezhatelola]

Pretty Little Head

Yandere Deku x Fem!Reader

warnings: yandere tendencies(obviously), 18+ NSFW, gore/violence, drug usage, bondage, dubcon/noncon, praise kink, oral(female receiving), oral(male receiving), MDNI

a/n: this was actually a request i received outside of tumblr but i decided to make one here too! i’m so excited to write this one, i think that underneath deku’s innocent appearance he would make one hell of a yandere.

word count: 4.1k

deku had never anticipated someone like you would be the source of all his stress, pleasure, and love. despite being quirkless and utterly small compared to deku himself, you were always so kind. you were always there to take his hand and help him up when bakugou would push him down. you were always there to ruffle his hair and reassure him he’d do great on an exam. you were always there to offer him a snack or some extra lunch, even if you were hungry.

it left deku confused in the dust, as a child and still now, completely lost in how or why you were so nice to him. even when he took off to pursue his career of being a pro hero, which he was very successful in doing, you were still there to visit him or patch up his scratches.

in his bright green eyes and from beneath his curly green hair, this was enough for anyone to reserve the right to feel a burning hatred towards your significant other. he watched in anger as you sat on that blue-eyed idiot’s lap, tangling your fingers in his dark hair and whispering dirty nothings into his ear. he watched in jealousy as a stupid smirk spread across his lips, well aware there was something threatening to spring upwards as he palmed the fat of your thigh in response.

much to his dismay, he couldn’t watch you all hours of the day due to hero work. that didn’t mean he didn’t keep tabs on you however, which he accomplished by using his friends to update him on your whereabouts. who you were with, what you were doing, what you were wearing, what time you got home, when you fell asleep and when you wake up- he knew everything.

at the end of the day, he was still your best friend. you had invited him over one evening and you were telling him about your day, him smiling in response and just looking at you in awe, listening to you babble away.

“and then it started raining! so i had to run to my car and i ended up slipping, see?” you pointed towards your thigh where a large, and honestly, painful looking scrape was. his eyes widened in his response as he analyzed the mark. “that looks like it must’ve hurt, bunny.”

your heart repeated that same fluttering that it has been ever since you were teenagers at response to that nickname of yours. you’d think by now you’d have gotten used to it, huh?

“it did! and i was just laying there like an idiot in the rain for a good two minutes.” you laughed, emphasizing the word idiot. he chuckled in response, seemingly distracted with something else as he admired your smile and the way it lit up your entire cozy apartment.

“hey, you okay?” you asked suddenly, running a hand through his locks, the two of you seated on your sofa with the tv on in front of you. naturally as best friends, the two of you have had a few intimate moments, but they were always platonic. even though he knew this, he loved you too much for his breath not to hitch at the feeling of your soft fingertips playing with his hair.

“oh! yeah, i-i’m fine!” he chuckled, scratching the back of his neck and beaming brightly. “hero work just gets me tired and all, you know?” of course you didn’t know. what was he thinking saying that? you were always insecure of being quirkless, your childhood bully, bakugou, not being any help.

you pulled your hand back and looked away, your eyelids slightly lowering themselves, giving you a less excited expression. deku felt his heart drop and his stomach turn inside out, he hated himself for getting so caught up in his own thoughts of fluffy handcuffs adorning your wrists and your bodies colliding that he had forgotten to think before speaking.

“i didn’t mean it like that, bunny!” he said quickly, reaching out to grab your hand when you dodged him. “what are you-”

“this isn’t the first time you’ve said something like that, deku.” you muttered, immediately questioning yourself afterwards. were you being too sensitive? “even if you didn’t mean it this time, i- i just hate hearing you say it…” your eyes locked into the floor, your fingers now fiddling with each other.

although deku didn’t always have the strongest memory, he never failed to remember that some things in the world were far too fragile to be left out there. that they were too sensitive and too kind and too innocent to be yelled at. but sometimes- and only sometimes, did they deserve to be punished.

he did his best to soften his voice before scooting closer and placing a much larger and scarred up hand on top of yours. “bunny, i really didn’t mean it this time. you know that there’s nothing wrong with being quirkless, right?” he tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, now revealing your tear-stained side profile.

head now resting on his chest as he sat next to you, wrapping his arms around you in attempt to comfort you, his heart beating through his clothes. “i’ve always wanted to be a hero, since we were little. pathetic how i thought i actually had a chance…” you mumbled into his chest, blinking back more tears and suppressing a sniffle. “when you got into U.A., and your quirk developed late, i was s’ happy fer’ you. i looked up to you and i- i always wa-wanted to be jus’ like y-you.” your words became more jumbled as your tears welled up and you hiccuped multiple times.

deku was then reminded of the significant fact that he never told you the truth about his quirk, and he never planned to. always wanted to be like him, huh? he allowed you to cry into his chest, enveloping you in all of the possible warmth that he could, feeling his opportunity nearing closer and closer.

“looked up to me? hah… bunny, i always looked up to you.” he tilted your chin up and wiped a tear away with his calloused thumb, his strong arms still around your smaller frame. “you’ve always been so kind and intelligent, and a lot stronger than me. hell, you stood up to kacchan when i couldn’t!”

a small smile worked it’s way onto your lips in response. “that’s my bunny, there’s that smile..” deku said, and you giggled, hugging him tighter than before. “aah, thanks deku.” you sighed, “maybe i was being a little, smh- dramatic.” you sniffled, shrugging your shoulders.

“not at all… hey, how about some of your favorite tea? you know i make it the best!” he said enthusiastically as you curled up with a blanket that he had gotten you on your last birthday. “why not?” you giggled as he walked into the kitchen and prepared your drink.

//

an unfamiliar, soft sensation could be felt on your wrists, restraining you from moving. the surface you were on was particularly soft and comfortable, and you hazily opened your eyes to be met with a large room. you looked up and spotted a pair of fluffy, pink handcuffs locked tightly onto your wrists above your head, keeping you restrained to the white, wooden headboard.

the four walls were painted a baby pink, a large mirror, decorated with swirls on the edges hanging in the middle, and the entire room lined with stuffies, trinkets, pillows and everything soft. from what you could see, the door had more locks on it than you could count with your blurred vision, and surely, heavy approaching footsteps could be heard from the other side of the door.

you held your breath and closed your eyes, turning your head and pretending to be asleep. your lips parted in a gentle breath for air, your body remaining still as the unknown person entered the room and locked the door behind them. you felt the right side of the bed dip as if someone was looming over you, attempting to get a better look at something.

“i know you’re awake, bunny. i heard you tugging at the pretty little handcuffs.” your eyes snapped open at the sound of your best friend’s voice. his eyes locked with yours as he set a plate down beside the bed and pulled you to sit up straight. “hey, pretty girl.”

“d-deku?” you stuttered, eyes widening as the feeling in your legs was now returning. “yes, my love?” he replied, the plate of food now in his lap as he began to cut the piece of meat for you. “what- what the hell is going on? why am i handcuffed to this bed? where even am i?”

“shh, shh… relax, bunny. eat a little first, i made your favorite!” he shoved the piece of steak up against your lips using the fork and you shook your head now. his knuckles gripped the fork so tightly they turned white, and so you complied and chewed. “remember how i told you i was renovating my basement? welcome! i made it all pretty and comfortable for you! i have all your favorite colors and i got all these fluffy plushies and blankets!” he said with too much excitement.

“ahh!” his eyes lit up, “we’re gonna have so much fun here, for the rest of forever!” you swallowed the bite you took before he was already offering you more, obviously eager to see you full. “deku… i’m still confused here. uncuff me, now.”

“tch… you’re really ungrateful, you know.” he muttered, continuing to feed you and caress you. “how am i ungrateful, huh?” you asked furiously, a complete fool for thinking you could even remotely amount to his level. you locked your eyes with his as he set the food to the side and forced you to drink water and remain hydrated. beyond his insane thought process and maniacal grins, even an idiot could see he still cared.

“first, i wake up in some completely random room, handcuffed to a bed! and then you come in here, offer me a meal, and then when i want to be uncuffed, im ungrateful? deku, you need to ex-” he leaned in a cut you off completely, your lips attaching.

you turned your head in attempt to look away, to which he grabbed your chin and held you still. his hands trailing down to between your thighs, effortlessly spreading them apart, your fighting back doing nothing at all. his hands tightened their grips on your inner thighs as his lips continued on your neck. he found your hopeless squirming adorable, but irritating.

“gah… stay still.” his tone firmed and his eyes narrowed, again looking into yours. you’d seen him mad before, of course, and you’d seen him determined and impatient and annoyed, but he was never so intimidating towards you. deku realized this shortly after, immediately softening his tone as he dipped his head down to between your legs, nibbling at the fat of your thighs.

“what are you- aah…” you gasped suddenly, your head snapping downwards to see his tongue run a long, clean lick over your slit from on top of your cute little panties. you knew you stood no chance against the number one hero, and you’d never admit to the growing dampness between your legs. your thighs threatened to grind together as his tongue and teeth continued teasing the edges of your panties, avoiding where you genuinely needed him.

“deku, pl-please don’ do th-this.” you gulped down, a tear making it’s way down your cheek. he looked up at you and smiled brightly and pulled down your panties, throwing them to the side, much to your confusion. “but look at you, bunny..” he ran two fingers along your now naked, glistening cunt as your juices coated them. “you’re completely soaked for me. you don’t actually want me to stop, do you? hmm..”he hummed.

“i… i don’t…” you struggled desperately to find words as your cheeks flushed red at the feeling of his eyes seeing things no one else ever has before. “right…” he smugly said both at the feeling of knowing how much you were second guessing yourself, and seeing you blush so furiously, spreading your legs apart even further, holding you down once again, effortlessly. “now just be my good bunny and take it.”

his words sent you over the fucking edge, your thighs grinding together for some type of friction as he laughed with a sense of superiority, now lying completely on his stomach and lapping at your folds. he wasted no time, and the feeling of his wet tongue slide across your womanhood was a sensation you were unfamiliar with. the last ounce of your strength was used when fighting back, and so you just lied there and took it, just like deku said.

your sweet taste drove him more insane than he already was. he watched as your eyes rolled to the back of your head and your brows knitted together, and he swore he fell in love with you all over again. his thumb was brought to your clit before he ran careful circles over it, blowing hot air against your pussy when you attempted to squirm away, causing goosebumps to rise against your skin. you could feel him smirking against you, and at this point you didn’t really care.

“de-deku… i’m- what the f-fuck..” you were at a loss for words. obviously you knew what an orgasm was, you’re not an idiot. this time was different than all of the other times you had willingly explored there on your own. it was something so much stronger, so much better. “i know, bunny. go ahead pretty girl… cum for me.” he spoke, muffled against your juices and folds.

his command was all it took for you to feel a strong coil within your stomach snap, and your mouth formed a silent ‘O,’ shape as your body shook in pleasure and you saw white spots all over your vision. your orgasm washed over you like a crashing wave, your desperate and pathetic fingers digging into the soft handcuffs you still wore.

“deku? ‘m tired now…” you mumbled in response to him unzipping his pants and undoing your handcuffs. “already?” he said playfully, but his face was nothing but serious. you nodded and hummed quietly in response as he looked down at you, noting how angelic you looked in this warm lighting that he had set up throughout the room using small lamps, cozy lights, and candles. not real candles, of course- what if you got burned when he wasn’t there?

“we’re not done yet, pretty girl. on your knees.” he looked down at you as he stood at the foot of the bed, watching you crawl over to him. you looked up at him, unsure of what to do next. “why am i here?” his eyes widened in realization that you actually didn’t know what to do this time, and it only made him more excited and honored to be your first. he pulled his pants down a little more, revealing his black boxers and a huge bulge.

“go ahead, take it out.” you hesitantly reached towards the bulge and pulled his boxers down, his large and throbbing member springing up and slapping you right in the nose. “ow…” you mumbled to yourself, and deku laughed. “fuck, you’re so cute. now take it in your hands and pump it a few times, use that pretty mouth.”

you ran your fingers across the tip, not knowing how much that stimulated him. after hearing a soft grunt when you ran your thumb across the tip, dragging his pre-cum along a large vein down the base, you assumed it was a good thing. your eyes explored the strange new thing as he took a fist of your hair. you looked up at him and winced at the sudden sting in your scalp.

“suck on it, bunny. use your mouth.” he repeated again, growing impatient. you grew determined to make him feel good too, all thoughts of fighting back leaving your mind. your hand nearly wrapped around his entire girth, but he was too thick for your smaller hands to do so. once again, hesitantly, you kitten-licked the tip a few times as his eyes shut calmly for a moment. your warm mouth wrapped around the tip as he basked in the feeling of the wetness, you released it with an unintentional pop.

“like this?” you asked innocently as he looked down to watch you suck his length, moving down slowly as you attempted to take all of him in your mouth. you could only go halfway before he hit the back of your throat, and when you gagged cutely around him, the grip on your hair tightened and a quiet whimper escaped the back of his throat. you picked up the pace in response and sucked even more furiously as best as you could, repeatedly gagging and hollowing your cheeks. “y-yeah… aauhh, jus’ like that, bunny.”

you continued your sucking and gentle pumping and tongue swirling around him as he continued to yank at your hair and admire your tear stained face and saliva covered mouth and throat. “aah.. yer’ sure you’ve n-never.. mgh, done this before?” he struggled to speak due to his many grunts and moans.

you nodded quietly as you felt him harden and pulsate in your mouth, repeatedly hitting the back of your throat. he suddenly pulled your hair, hard, and you winced loudly. he got down to your level and cleaned your face using his hand and dragged a thumb across your lip, consumed in the way tears pricked at your eyes just for him. “wh-what was that for? ‘m not done.” you muttered, reaching towards his cock when he stopped you with a chuckle and a deranged grin.

“like it that much, hm? we’re not done yet, bunny. don’t worry.” you tilted your head, your eyes then widening. “y-you mean, we’re gonna..” you trailed off as he gently pushed you down by your shoulders onto you back, crawling on top of you and hovering over your body. he cupped your cheek with one large hand and used his knee to spread your thighs apart. he clicked his tongue and trailed kisses from your jaw down your neck to between the valley of your breasts, looking up at you with his emerald green orbs.

“don’t act clueless, bunny. i know you’ve thought about getting touched down here by a real man.” he chuckled, slapping his length against your cunt two times, causing you to jump. “d-deku, please don-” your own words were caught in your throat when he slid the first few centimeters in, causing you to gasp and tug roughly on your handcuffs. “g-get off.. aauh..” you whimpered, attempting to push him off of you, clearly doing nothing. you fought the growing sting in your velvety walls as he slowly inched in. 

“its okay, pretty girl. a little bit at a time..” he whispered into your ear, causing your walls to clench around his first few inches, to which he smirked and nibbled on your jaw.  “that’s it... good girl.” he praised as he filled you up completely. deku was so overwhelmed with the pleasure of his bunny wrapped around his cock, and the reality that he was your first that he forgot to wait for you to adjust before pulling out and thrusting back in.

“deku!” you cried out in pain as his eyes widened and he immediately wrapped his arms around you, hugging you into his chest. “i’m so sorry,” he rapidly apologized over and over again, claiming he lost control and would wait now. “i-it hurts...” you muttered into his neck before nodding a minute later, signalling he could now move. he slowly pulled out and thrust back in, his tip barely brushing up against your cervix. he moved once more and a swirling pool of pleasure slowly took over any remnants of pain. 

“mmph.. faster, deku.” you mewled out his nickname that you’ve had for him since you were little, and his heart picked up the pace before looking into your eyes and drowning in your expression as he slid in and out of you, your walls pulsating tightly around him, your thighs and his balls now soaked in your juices. “fuck... aauh, you’re such a good fucking girl for me, hah.” he said in a cocky tone, now slamming into you relentlessly.

“while we’re here,” he said, his pace growing sloppier by the second. “let’s get one thing crystal clear.” he continued, grabbing your jaw and forcing you to look at his flushed face, his cock still pounding into your sloppy cunt, the lewd noises of him fucking you filling the room. “you’re mine, all fucking mine. this fucking pussy,” he said, punctuating his sentence with a light slap against your folds. “this body, that cute little expression in your eyes, and everything else about you belongs to me. not that blue-eyed shit-faced bitch.” he raised his voice causing you to flinch.

“we’re clear with that, aren’t we?” he asked as your eyes rolled into the back of your head due to him continuously hitting that spot with the tip of his member. “hey,” he growled, bringing a throat to your neck and squeezing it tightly, completely cutting off your oxygen. you clawed at his hand as best as you could despite your handcuffs, and your face grew a bright pink and almost purple. he hated slapping you or choking you or tying you up, and he hated himself for getting excited at that fearful look in your glistening eyes. he released his grip on your throat and you gasped desperately for air, glaring at him. “fucking answer me.” 

“y-yeah, mhnm...” you moaned out, still recovering from being choked. your pussy clenched around him as you felt your second, much stronger, orgasm nearing. he felt his own nearing as well, your beautiful moans not helping in holding him back. “yeah, what?” he smirked, knowing he was pushing your limits. “y-yeah, we’re ..mhgn, clear!” you yelled in frustration as he got a kick out of it, enjoying the idea of you thinking you could raise your voice at him. 

“you know what?” he pulled out rapidly, cumming all over your stomach before lying beside you, leaving you empty and unsatisfied. “wh-what?” you stuttered in shock and irritation, grinding your thighs together for some type of friction as you angrily yanked on your handcuffs. “now...” he kissed the tip of your nose and smiled at you brightly, as if all of this was amusing. “you don’t get to finish!” he exclaimed happily, giggling shortly after as you struggled and tugged at your restraints. 

“why?” you questioned the green-haired man, who said nothing. he wrapped a strong arm around your needy body and fought the urge to play with your clit using his fingertips. “why, deku? this isn’t fair!’ you whined as he chuckled dryly and tightened the soft handcuffs. “nothing is fair, my love. i have another shift now, so i’ll be gone for a few hours. need anything?” he asked in a condescending tone, knowing you would motion towards your dripping, aching cunt, which he wouldn’t help you with. he didn’t care to help your needy pussy.

he got up and grabbed the silver key he used to previously lock the basement door, glancing back at your distressed eyes one more time before leaving and slamming the door shut. 

“maybe next time you won’t get some silly idea in that pretty little head of yours that you can raise your voice with me.” 

[heloisedaphnebrightmore]

Deception [Benedict Bridgerton x Reader]

Title: Deception Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x Female!Reader Word count: 4.5k Published: 21 March 2021 Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore Summary: Violet's constant search for a wife for her second eldest son has become too much for Benedict. The only escape he sees is to ask you to pretend to be courting each other. But how long will it work for with your feelings eating you up from the inside. Bingo: [x] This is part of my Make me feel Bingo Card by @girl-next-door-writes​​​

Square filled: Fake dating

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Benedict Bridgerton was a very capable man. He had a tremendous amount of talent in capturing the real beauty of the world in his drawings. He was confident, but still genuinely kind and caring for his loved ones. He also had a rather playful side to him, a somewhat child-like behaviour, one that the ton would not have appreciated in their society, but Benedict had the privilege to show his real personality to those who loved him, ones that never judged him for who he was.

However, there was one person he felt utterly useless around. When it came to you, he turned into an adorable mess, a clumsy one at that, even stuttering on occasions. Should you have known the reason for his unusual behaviour, it would have brought a rather large smile to your face, but Benedict dared not to reveal his feelings for you.

For someone who has been friends for so long, you both seemed to have found it hard to show your true feelings for one another, as though both of you were clueless. For Benedict it seemed you only spared as much attention to him as a friend would, whilst you thought he was merely looking out for you as a brother figure.

You sat in the ballroom, watching as he grimaced at his mother, who might have slightly forced her second oldest child to dance with one of the many stunning unwed ladies. The one he was forced to dance with however seemed to enjoy Benedict's company. He didn't talk, nor did he look at the woman, still she shined brighter than a diamond in his arms, proud to be so close to such a fine man.

Heaving a heavy sigh, you watched as he held his hand firmly on her back, leading her around the dance floor, making her giggle by just being close to her. Your heart ached at the thought of ever having to give up on him, at the thought of seeing him with another, someone he would choose to love, ignoring to see your longing gazes forgotten on him. How could he have seen, he never dared to look when he felt your eyes on him, nor did you dared to look when he forgot his on you.

Standing up from your chair, you walked towards the terrace, needing fresh air, trying to clear your thoughts as the slightly cool, windy weather stroked your cheeks. You knew you shouldn't have thought of him romantically, but you would have been a fool not to notice the handsome and caring man he has grown into. Watching Lady Bridgerton trying to find a wife to her son hurt both emotionally and physically and you couldn't wait for the season to end, to leave the balls and play-pretend behind you, running away from the inevitable.

"Help me!" you heard his desperate voice, but before you could have turned around, you felt his hand lock around your wrist, gently, but in a haste, dragging you after himself.

"Benedict, what are you doing?" you asked in confusion, trying to understand his chaotic behaviour as he pulled you along, passing corridors by corridors in the gigantic mansion.

"My mother," he sighed as he stopped his steps, breathing heavily. "My mother is becoming—" you waited for him to continue, but he seemed to have been stuck in his thoughts.

"Are you alright?" you asked, frowning at his frozen state, as though he couldn't find the words and his thoughts overruled his actions. You watched his hunched back as he fought to get enough air in his lungs, his eyes focused on a certain point on the marble flooring, completely out of the present. "Benedict!" you called him again, this time firmly, attempting to catch his attention.

"I know it!" he exclaimed, making you jump slightly at his unexpected enthusiasm as a rather wide smile spread across his face.

"What do you know exactly?" you inquired.

"It might sound foolish at first and I do not blame you if you think I have lost my mind, but I need your help," he explained, leaving you even more curious.

"What would I need to help you with?" you asked furrowing at the man as if he has forgotten to include you in his grand idea.

"My mother has been adamant in finding me a wife and there is only so much I can do to prevent her from continuing her crusade. I know I shouldn't ask you such a thing, but I can't possibly think of anyone else who I trust enough," he continued in a secretive manner.

"Benedict, you must be clearer. I don't understand what you wish for me to do," you attempted to push him to finally reveal his idea.

"I need my mother to stop searching for a wife and the only way I can do that is if I already found someone I am interested in," he started. "That is where I would need your help, if you agreed. Should you agree to pretend I am courting you, my mother would surely stop this nonsense and leave me alone," for a mere second you felt overwhelmed by the hope of his interest in you, but that was only until your brain processed his words. "Pretend" being the main focus of your attention, shattering the small shimmering light of hope within you.

You took a shaky breath, trying to compose yourself, attempting to hide your disappointment. "Surely you didn't think this through. Your mother isn't a fool, she would see through us immediately. You can't possibly think it's a good idea," you tried to reason with him, but instead of thinking it through again, he quickly shook his head.

"But it is. Think about it. You have said so yourself, you don't want to marry just yet and nor do I. It would be the perfect option for both of us, solving our issues," he added enthusiastically as if his idea was anything, but brilliant. He could clearly see the weary expression across your face as he stepped closer and reached for your hands, engulfing them in his large and warm palms. "We would only have to pretend for a short while, I promise," he tried to reassure you. Whilst you knew it was a foolish idea, the thought of being able to stay close to him even if for a short period of time, seemed to cloud your better judgement.

"For how long?" you asked looking up at him as a mischievous grin spread across his dashingly handsome face. One that you adored so much. "I wouldn't want to be a spinster, Benedict," you sighed heavily.

"I would never let that happen," he shook his head quickly, his previously playful smile long gone from his face. "Let us do it for a few weeks and we will see how my mother reacts. I'm sure if we work well together, you might even catch the attention of some very noble men too," he winked jokingly, trying to lift your dull mood.

You haven't had much time to contemplate, maybe a few seconds until you ran through all the options you have been provided with, which was basically none. You heaved a heavy sigh and shook your head, offering a sceptical look to Benedict. "Fine," you said, earning a surprised expression from him, your answer shocking him for a second, before he wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you up, twirling you around happily.

"You are my saviour," he chuckled as he hinted a small kiss on your forehead, stopping himself as he realised what he had done. "I apologise, I didn't mean to—"

"I understand. You are simply happy I have agreed to such a scandalous idea," you rolled your eyes, but you couldn't hide the happiness you felt. Even if for a short while, Benedict was to belong to you, and it meant more than you could have possibly expressed. You knew you couldn't have him forever but having him for a couple of weeks made you feel like the happiest person alive.

"I owe you! I didn't think you would agree," he grinned happily, a childish warmness radiating from his stance as though he had won a grand prize.

"I still don't understand why I did. Surely, I'm a fool," you added quickly with a silent chuckle.

"We both are," he replied as he started leading you back to the ballroom with your arm linked around his. His gaze focused on the way ahead, but your eyes were rather resting on his attractive features. He was a stunning man, and you were sure if he had turned to look at you, he would have seen the amount of love you were harbouring for him. But as many times before, no one of you has ever turned.

Weeks passed by and if anyone, Violet Bridgerton was the happiest person to see Benedict growing closer to the woman, you, she had envisioned beside her second eldest son. She has made it very clear that a wedding should soon be happening, wanting nothing but a little baby in her arms. You never wanted to crash her dreams but hearing her talking about a future between you and Benedict was beyond painful. The thought of you waking up beside Benedict, his arm resting across your waist, his neck hidden in the crook of your neck, his breath tickling your skin made your heart ache, knowing it was impossible.

You stood in Somerset House, one arm hooked around Benedict's as he watched the paintings, his face focused on one particular art with dark colours and shadings, slightly depressing as if the artist tried to capture a horrible emotion. Art was always something that you found beautiful, but never really understood. When Benedict talked about the meaning behind each piece with a childish happiness across his face, it made you feel content. Although you didn't understand much of what he was saying, the adorable expression he wore was worth each and every moment you spent listening to him.

Looking at his handsome features as they relaxed into a content smile, made you mirror his expression. You couldn't look at him and not smile. As though his mere presence made you feel at ease.

"I feel your eyes on me," he chuckled with a mischievous smile, knowing that you have indeed been staring at him for the longest time.

"I'm sorry," you quickly turned away, feeling your cheeks and ears heat up in embarrassment. "I couldn't stop watching you. You were really focused on that painting and it seemed as though you were here physically, but not mentally. You unintentionally make this face when you enjoy a painting," you smiled shyly.

"A face?" he furrowed, not knowing of his own reaction.

"Yes, as if you were completely captured by the painting. You have a certain content smile across your face and even forget to blink at times," you giggled, placing your hand in front of your mouth, remembering his facial expression.

"Don't hide your smile," he said as he reached for your wrist and gently wrapped his fingers around your arm, pulling your hand away from your lips. "You are even more beautiful when you smile," for a second his words made you hope, as though he meant more than he let on. His eyes seemed as if they could see through you, reading each and every single thought that crossed your mind. For the shortest of time, it felt your feelings weren't as unrequited as you thought. However, you quickly had to remind yourself that your imagination was playing a painful game with you, one that would surely end in a heartbreak.

You quickly turned away, trying to shake those foolish thoughts away, before you decided to dwell on them any longer. Clearing your thoughts, you turned back to him with a phony smile across your face, biting your bottom lip to calm yourself. But his deep frown left you confused. "Are you okay?" you questioned as he tilted his head as if he was studying your face.

"You were biting your lips again," he replied. "You do that when you are nervous or feeling uncomfortable," he added, stunning you. Biting your lips was indeed a nervous habit of yours, one that you couldn't stop as it made you feel slightly at ease when you felt as if even your own thoughts betrayed you. You never thought Benedict even realised those irrelevant, minor details.

"I'm fine, Benedict," you tried to reassure him with a smile that you wore confidently but could not fool Benedict.

"Should you feel the need to talk, I'm here," he said, drawing tiny circles on the back of your arm that he was still securely holding onto, reassuring you that he was by your side whenever you were in need of him.

As happy as it made you, you couldn't shake the feeling of disappointment as you thought about the heartbreak when he would finally want to end your foolish little game and find himself a wife that he could cherish forever, leaving you with the most horrible heartache one could cause.

You knew it was inevitable, you knew it would kill you, but you loved Benedict and you would have never forced him to stay beside you for any longer than he wanted to. You were ready to give him up, to be happy even if with someone else. The thought of letting him go hurt, but you weren't sure of your own strength either. Thinking about how long you could stay beside him pretending to be a mere friend left you with just as much pain, if not more. But you were ready to sacrifice your own happiness even if to be able to spend one more second with him.

Days passed by since your slightly awkward encounter in Somerset House. You have pretended to be a couple so in love that you couldn't possibly stay away from each other. Lady Whistledown didn't miss to write a paragraph or two about the two of you, already planning your wedding, one that you found slightly excessive, but dared not to mention to keep your act believable.

As much as you enjoyed the first few weeks of your play-pretend, it was hard to keep it up for long. You loved every minute you spent with Benedict, but the longer you were beside him, the more pain you felt. You wished to make him happy, to continue your act, but you also knew that it wasn't forever, and that tiny little thought suffocated you.

You sat on a bench in the park, right after promenading with Benedict. He joined his brothers whilst your maid brought you a glass of water to refresh yourself. You watched as Benedict laughed with his brothers, a wide, adorable and carefree smile sat across his face. Weeks ago, you would have smiled at his happiness, but then and there, sitting on the bench, watching his happy form, you felt miserable. Each time you looked at him, your stomach jumped nervously, your breath caught in your lungs as he touched your arm. These tiny little details meant nothing to him, but for you they meant the world. He couldn't have known the effects his advances left on you, he couldn't have predicted to hurt you unintentionally, but in the end, he unknowingly caused you pain.

Standing up from the bench, you started walking towards the Bridgerton brothers. Heaving a heavy sight, you lifted your arm and tapped Benedict's shoulder lightly, trying to catch his attention. He turned around with a wide smile, looking at you curiously. However, your face must have forgotten to oblige as his smile quickly disappeared and concern took over him.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he nodded to his brothers and reached for your hand, placing it on his arm, leading you away from his family.

"I must talk to you," you started, your voice unusually grim.

"Go ahead. You are worrying me," he added impatiently. Trying to collect your thoughts, you stopped, halting the man beside you whose worried eyes didn't seem to want to leave you for a mere second. "Talk to me," he attempted to reassure you.

"I am really sorry, but I can't possibly do this anymore," your words earned a confused frown from Benedict, before he finally understood what you meant. "I know I promised to help you and I wish I could have done it longer, but I honestly can't do this anymore," you added as you fought against your tears, trying to keep them in place for as long as you could. You couldn't let yourself cry in front of so many people, you couldn't let that happen. Benedict straightened himself in front of you, trying to hide your face from the curious eyes.

"I understand. I am sorry for forcing you to do this. I never thought it could be this hard on you. I would never hurt you, you know that, right?" he asked, trying to contain himself from wrapping his arms around you, fidgeting with his hands beside his thighs.

"I know and you didn't hurt me, it's not your fault. It has just become rather difficult recently and I don't think I'm capable of pretending anymore," you tried to reassure him, making him feel less guilty. "I'm still your friend and I will always be your friend," you added with a phoney smile. Your own words were a lie. You didn't know how long you could pretend to be his friend, but you knew he needed to hear that, he needed not to blame himself. "I will be going home now, but surely I will see you later," you smiled up at him as you curtsied and nodded towards your maid, ready to head home, completely oblivious to the pained gaze he was watching your slowly disappearing form with.

Whilst you sat in your carriage, letting your tears finally run down your cheeks, leaning on your maid's shoulder, Benedict stood confused between Colin and Anthony, his eyes fixed on the ground, his thoughts filled with you only.

"Brother?" Colin called for him with concern in his eyes. It was unusual to see his brother unresponsive, without a playful smile. "Are you alright?" he asked, earning a frown from Benedict.

"I shouldn't have dragged her into this," he replied, but his words were directed more to himself than his brothers.

"What do you mean?" Anthony asked, seemingly more interested in their conversation.

"It was all a lie," Benedict replied, his gaze still fixed on the carefully cut grass.

"What was a lie?" the eldest Bridgerton brother asked again.

"All along we were pretending to be courting, so mother would stop trying to force me to marry," he scoffed, finally understanding the weight of his idea. "She said she can't do this anymore. That it was too painful to bear," he shook his head, guilt overcoming him.

"You really are a fool," Anthony replied with a sceptical look across his face, earning a confused look from both Colin and Benedict.

"How do you mean? Is it because we have been pretending?" Benedict questioned his brother. "I know it was foolish, but she agreed, I didn't know it would be particularly hard on her," he added with a deep frown.

"Brother, can you not see the way she looks at you? Always trying to make you feel happy, bringing a smile to your face even when she, herself is struggling to do so? Are you really that blind?" Anthony raised a questioning brow, as though he couldn't believe how oblivious his brother was towards your feelings.

"Should I understand?" he asked tilting his head innocently, searching for the right explanation. "We have been friends from a very young age, I am certain we have always tried to make each other smile in a difficult situation," he added, earning an eye roll from the eldest Bridgerton brother, ignoring his manners.

"When you said you were courting her, I thought you finally realised that you weren't the only one with feelings beyond friendship. However, after hearing about this foolish idea of yours, forcing a lady to pretend to love you, when in fact she has feelings for you is beyond stupid, brother, and I'm quite disappointed in you for not realising it yourself," he shook his head disapprovingly.

"Are you telling me she has feelings for me?" Benedict asked in disbelief, his brother's words lighting a weak hope within him.

"Indeed, took you long enough to understand," he scoffed.

"I have to talk to her," Benedict added quickly, heading towards the carriages in haste, carefully planning all he needed to tell you.

The ride didn't take long, 20 minutes at most, before he stood in front of your house, his hands shaking slightly, nervousness running through his whole being. Knocking on the door, a maid opened it for him, asking him to wait to announce his arrival to you.

You laid on your bed, cheeks swollen from crying, bottom lip red as a result of the constant biting of your nervous state. A knock on your door brought you out of your misery as your maid walked into the room.

"Mr. Bridgerton is here to see you," she said with a saddened tone, knowing of the arrangement between the two of you. Your eyes widened in surprise, you weren't ready to see him, especially not in your current, heartbroken state. "Would you like me to ask him to leave?" she questioned, looking at the panicked expression across your face.

"No, it's fine. Please take him to the drawing room," you instructed her and headed to the bathroom to make yourself presentable. Your eyes were bloodshot, your face was slightly swollen, and your clothes were beyond wrinkled. Attempting to straighten your dress, you stroked the material over and over again, but it didn't seem to work, nor did the cold water you washed your face with to remove the evidence of your miserable state. At last, you gave up and walked to the drawing room, knowing you wouldn't be able to do anything else with your appearance.

"We have just parted, Benedict," you said to the man as you stepped inside the room and took a seat across the sofa he occupied.

"I needed to see you," he replied, standing up from his place and taking a seat beside you. "I—, I talked to my brothers after you left," he started, stammering over his words, something he only did in his nervous state. "I am a fool and there is no excuse for that. I can't possibly imagine how hard it must have been for you to pretend—"

"I have told you already, I am completely fine," you tried to reassure him with a faux smile, one that this time Benedict didn't believe to be genuine.

"But are you?" he asked, earning a confused frown from you. "Do you know why I thought this foolish idea to be brilliant in the first place?" he raised a questioning brow, but instead of replying you shook your head. "I wanted to be closer to you. I merely thought it would be my chance to spend more time with you. Surely, I had no intention to marry anyone, and I wished my mother to stop, but my primary concern was you. I wanted to be near you at all times, but I couldn't possibly tell you how I felt, knowing you would only reject me," you couldn't control the surprise sitting across your face, your lips parted in shock, his words seemingly part of your most precious dreams. It seemed surreal.

"You are confusing me, Benedict," you spoke up, trying not to hope once again to then fall painfully.

"I'm saying I love you. I have loved you for so long, I can't remember when it started. I never imagined my feelings could be returned and I turned to foolish ideas to be beside you. I needed my brothers to open my eyes and scold me for being childish, for making me hope that I might have your heart even if only half as much as you have mine," he reached for you hand, gently squeezing it in his hold, reassuring you that he meant every single word of his.

"I love you," you blurted out, astonished by his speech, your own words surprising you.

"You do?" he asked, afraid to believe the words he has longed to hear from you.

"I do," you nodded, this time with more confidence, earning a wholehearted smile from Benedict as he leaned closer and wrapped his arms around you, embracing you in his arms.

"I made you cry, didn't I?" he asked as he pulled away slightly, enough for him to be able to look in your eyes as he placed his hands on your cheeks.

"It wasn't you. I was emotional, because I wasn't sure how long I would be able to stay beside you as a friend before it became too much to handle," you giggled awkwardly, feeling as if you have said too much.

"It was still my fault. I didn't consider your feelings," he shook his head, disapproving of his own actions. The tip of his thumb gently brushed across your bottom lip, leaving you with a ticklish feeling. "Have you been biting your lips again?" he asked as his eyes focused on your mouth. His attentiveness, his attention to detail and his closeness made you swallow nervously.

"I might have," you whispered, not daring to raise your voice any louder. Feeling his breath on your lips, the proximity between your faces, his warm palms on your cheeks made you feel intoxicated.

"You shouldn't do that. From now on talk to me when something bothers you," he spoke in a low tone, his voice soothing, making you feel safe. "You are doing it again," he chuckled, his eyes completely captured by the way your teeth bit on your lip, but this time it wasn't nervousness, but excitement. His closeness affected every tiny part of your body. "It really makes me want to kiss you," he breathed, completely mesmerised by your lips, as if an invisible force was pulling him towards you. You felt your heart beating at a dangerous pace, almost as if threatening to escape your chest and you could swear Benedict heard it just as well.

"Hmm," you hummed in a reply, incapable of creating a coherent sentence, before closing the gap between the two of you, a certain confidence rush taking over your actions. Instead of the surprised reaction you expected from Benedict, a playful chuckle left his lungs.

"Impatient, it seems," he added, before he returned your kiss, pulling you closer to himself, enjoying the feeling of your body in his embrace. He has imagined over and over again how it could feel to kiss you, to hold you, but none of those made-up scenarios could ever compete against the reality and the content it filled him with. "I wish to genuinely court you this time," he added as he pulled away from you.

"I very much hope so," you giggled happily, earning a playful eye roll from Benedict, before he captured your lips once again, wrapping his arms around you securely.

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[dragon-kazansky]

The heart chooses | Helmut Zemo

Requested by @sirkekselord

Female reader!

This was quite a predicament. Bucky had no idea about you and Zemo. You, his darling granddaughter who he got to know, dating a notorious criminal who brain washed him so he could split up the Avengers? That wouldn't go down so well.

Zemo utterly adored you. After losing everything, finding you meant everything. You entered his life unexpectedly and have been a part of it ever since. Slowly, you have been mending his broken heart.

You were honest with him from the beginning. He had known you were Bucky's granddaughter. Still, you didn't let that piece of information change anything. Zemo loved you, he treasured you.

You loved him.

That's why you would do anything to keep Bucky from finding out. He would be beyond mad if he knew.

The pair of you had to be careful no to stare, to smile, laugh too much. All the things Zemo made you feel had to be reeled in as to not be obvious. It was so difficult. Zemo just wanted to spoil you, care for you, love you.

But Bucky would kill him. This would be the line that crossed all lines.

You were currently hiding out in the bathroom, Zemo kissing you fondly along your neck as tried your best not to make too much noise.

"We shouldn't be doing this in here."

"I'm wasn't going to wait any longer," he growls in your ear.

"It's going to look suspicious if we both exit the bathroom and they're out there."

"That's a risk I am willing to take."

He kisses your lips rather passionately, arms wrapped snugly around you. Every moment of every day he just wanted to hold you like this.

You could hear chatter on the other side of the door. You knew you had to be quiet.

Zemo grinned as he pulled away, listening to Sam and Bucky talking. Their voices weren't overly clear, they must be standing further away, but they would definitely see you both of you left the bathroom.

"You're a git," you whispered.

"That's not news, my love."

You rolled your eyes, hitting his arm lightly. You would just have to wait it out until they were gone. Surely one of them would go scouting, or go upstairs.

Zemo kept his hands on you, holding you. His eyes scanned your features, memorizing every little detail. You were absolutely beautiful.

There was movement. Footsteps walking away. You couldn't work out if it was knew set or two.

"I'll go out first. If anyone is still on there, I'll make up an excuse and get them to leave, then you go," you told him.

"Why don't we stay in here. I was quite happy with what we were doing," he smirks.

"We can't stay in here all day, Zemo. They'll get suspicious one way or another."

You slide out of his embrace and creep over to the door. You open it a crack and peer outside.

Sam has his back turned to you. You slip out of the bathroom. Zemo takes your previous position, looking through the crack in the door.

"Where is Bucky?" You ask, startling Sam. He hadn't heard you approach.

"Upstairs."

You nod and go to sit next to him. You keep Sam talking, giving Zemo a signal to slip out. He does so with precision. Sam doesn't notice.

You stay just long enough for it not to be weird and then excuse yourself.

The rest of the day is spent with longing glances and secret smiles toward Zemo. You thought you had been doing pretty well at keeping this relationship a secret, but Bucky had been paying more attention than you gave him credit for.

He waited until you had left the room.

Zemo had watched you go, but not too obviously. He too, hadn't noticed how much Bucky had been paying attention.

Zemo was suddenly pushed up against the nearest wall, knife to his throat as Bucky used his metal arm to push against his chest. Zemo was, quite honestly, rather frightened. Bucky's anger was not to be taken lightly and he had him in a precarious position.

Zemo was royally screwed.

"What do you think you're doing?"

If looks could kill.

"I don't understand, James." Zemo tried to play the innocent card.

"Are you and my granddaughter a thing?"

There was no point in denying it. Zemo took a d keep breath, raised his chin, and looked Bucky in the eye.

"Yes, but if you're going to accuse me of using her to get to you, we can end this discussion right here. She came to me willingly. She picked me up when I had no one else. Your beautiful granddaughter chose me and I spoil her in return."

Bucky was seething.

"Stay away. Don't touch, don't look, don't even speak to her."

"I cannot do that, James."

"I'm not asking, I'm telling you."

Zemo glared back.

"It's too late."

Bucky was going to do something regrettable, but a hand on his wrist stopped him. You were standing there looking at him. You looked hurt.

"Please don't hurt him."

Zemo's gaze softened on you. Bucky's grip slackened as he steps back, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed on Zemo.

"You're in love with him?"

"Yes."

"You're happy?"

"Yes."

"He looks after you?"

"Yes, Bucky."

Bucky drops the knife and takes another step back. He still looks pissed off, but at least Zemo wasn't in immediate danger any more.

You stood in front of him, hand in his.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Bucky asks.

"Because I knew you would react like this. I knew who Zemo was when I met him, what he did to you."

"And you still chose him?"

"Yes."

"But he's...."

"I know. I know." You look at him with pleading eyes. "You don't get to choose who you fall for. Your heart does that for you."

Bucky turns his gaze to you and sighs.

He hated it. He hated this.

But he couldn't hate you. Not ever.

Bucky looks at Zemo and glares again, he holds up one hand and points directly at the Baron.

"If you so much as break her heart, I'll kill you."

Zemo holds his hands up.

"That's fair."

You turn around and fall into Zemo's arms, head resting against his chest. The way he pulled you in and held you made Bucky sigh. This wasn't some trick, he knew that. Zemo actually did love you.

Bucky couldn't help thinking 'why him? ' But the point of the matter was, there was no reason. You were drawn to Zemo and that was it.

You couldn't explain it and that would have to do.

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[lhs3020b]

“Nona the Ninth” - disorganised thoughts below

OK, I just got to the end of “Nona the Ninth”. Some incoherent thoughts under the cut, with spoilers beyond this point...

(A further break-line here, just in case anyone clicked on the link by accident.)

Now here come the spoilers...

- John Gaius is a mass-murdering, genocidal, sanctimonious egotist and a character I now completely loathe. Even his attempt at self-exculpiation reeks of hypocrisy - note that he feels a need to lie to Harrow during it, several times, never mind the fact that she seems to unquestioningly revere him and is unlikely to call him out on his misdeeds. (Count carefully the number of times his backpack nuke exploded ... unless there are two Melbournes in Australia, it definitely happened more than once. Also, while I might be imagining it, I seem to recall inconsistencies in the times and demises of his former associates. IIRC he kills G. at least twice.)

- He did all the things he claims to dislike in other people - faced with other people attempting to flee the ecological collapse of Earth, he responded by killing everyone, everywhere (except apparently a couple of the ships, who managed to get away just barely in time), and replacing the dead world with one he preferred. Incidentally one where he happened to be in charge. The trillionaires he so disliked, frankly, were trying to do exactly the same thing (abandon the old world without trying to save it, set yourself up somewhere new where you’re personally in charge). And the sick kicker here? They’re arguably somewhat the moral winners here, because their flight didn’t involve personally conducting a solar system-wide genocide.

- The Earth/Alecto herself even specifically calls Gaius out on it - “I gave you this power, and this is how you repaid me?” - and from the text, the criticism just bounces off of his overweening narcissm without him even really registering what he’d been told.

- To top it off, this monster has learnt nothing from what he’s done. After all, during the course of “Harrow the Ninth” he made his Lyctors kill at least 14 other planets. (The scumbag didn’t even have the minimum decency to do his own dirty work. We can add laziness to the charge-sheet here.)

- Actually, interestingly, there’s an implication that even Harrow has had enough of his bullshit by the end. The scene where she turns her back on him and starts walking to the tower felt symbolic.

- I sincerely hope that in the fourth book, Alecto cuts Gaius up into small pieces, fries them over a slow fire, then tosses them into a landfill to rot. Feeding them to dogs, frankly, would be sheer unkindness to canines.

- OK, I could write thousands of words about how much I utterly despise John Gaius, but I think you get the point now, so let’s move onto a new thread. (I will note that I am in awe of how Tamsyn Muir has managed to craft a character who is both utterly-foul and yet queasily-plausible too. Give every scheming self-regarding corporate middle manager you’ve ever met Godlike power, and they might well turn into someone like him.)

- The ecocatastrophe on Earth is oddly off-stage. Some of it seems to be a combination of climate change and collapsing trophic webs, but there’s also a mention at one point of the atmosphere somehow going missing over the Northern Territories? Which is a bit O.o, even by the standards of ecocatastrophe?

- (One thought ... at one point Aim describes living for a time on a planet that was implied to be undergoing a thanergetic conversion. I almost find myself wondering if humanity had inadvertently started off something similar on Earth.)

- Nona. Oh poor Nona, you deserved so much better than you got. I hope something is left of you in Alecto.

- I hope there’s some sort of at least happy-ish ending for the people on New Rho.

- The “re-settlements” - it’s never really explained very clearly what’s involved in these, but it seems to be traumatic in character.

- Varun the Eater; I’m starting to wonder which planet this Resurrection Beast originated from. I think we might be able to take a few guesses - the fact that it’s clearly trailing Nona is interesting, and the fact that it seems to like her is noteworthy too. While it’s Number 7 on Gaius’s typography, that might not mean anything. It’s - or was - the Earth, isn’t it?

- Nine Resurrection Beasts and Nine Houses also feels slightly off given that canonically, we currently have only eight planets. Either the IAU changed their mind about Pluto sometime between now and Gaius’s genocide, or there’s another one lurking outside the orbit of Neptune.

- (Before anyone brings up Mike Brown’s 2016 claims about an extra-Neptunian planet, please note that I’m an extreme sceptic about that claim. If your statistical analysis is based on a sample of precisely seven objects - yes, only seven! - I am going to give you strange looks if you claim this proves anything.)

- Does the Moon count against the nine? (Yes, you have to be me to care about this. I know, I know.) What about the asteroid belt?

- I guess the moons of Mars and the gas giants are a detail in this context, but it’s still a detail that nags me.

- (It would be darkly fucking funny if that egotistical gross creep Gaius accidentally missed out some moons when that crazed narcissistic butcher was busy slaughtering the entire solar system.)

- What the hell is going on with Gideon in this book? She feels and acts completely unlike any of her previous behaviour. I’m seriously wondering if it was even her that we saw? Was someone or something else wearing her body?

- Her suddenly being loyal to the Emperor feels a bit off. Nothing about Gideon before suggested that she had strong feelings toward the imperial system, and she didn’t seem like the type to have “actually being God’s literal daughter” go to her head.

- What the hell is going on on Antioch? What are those creatures, and where did they come from? How did they get to the Ninth House? And the timing is weird too - surely it can’t be coincidence that they manage to turn up just when it’s time to open the Tomb?

- The stoma. It was a massive big deal in “Harrow”, but as I recall wasn’t even mentioned here.

- Who, really, was Aim/the Angel? We sort of have an answer, but it also raises as many questions as it closes.

- I could go on, and I may even have to end up writing a second post at some point, but for now I’ll wrap this one up here.

[rayofsunas]

valentine | diluc [1]

A/n: we’re back with the mini-series for a while and this time with Diluc! I decided to start back off with Diluc because I actually had a plot for him lol. btw, requests are back open!! I still have a few more to write, but I’m definitely happy to accumulate more! stay safe everyone and enjoy!!

Summary: the ever so stoic diluc thought he was being secretive when sending anonymous letters and gifts to you during the week of valentine’s day but turns out everyone in mondstadt knew it was him, though thankfully had tight enough lips to not spill the beans to you. kaeya is of no help, so you go seeking answers yourself.

Parings: Diluc/Fem! Reader (for my other mini-series, there will be some gn ones!)

Warnings: valentines (yes, I’m late, shoot me), fluff

Word count: 1.2k

Diluc Ragnvindr’s heart was on fire. Set so badly ablaze that no amount of cryo or hydro could be used to extinguish it. He was one hundred percent sure that even after the red muscle stopped beating, it would still be burning, nowhere near crisping. 

That’s how badly he was smitten. Twitterpated, The Honorary Knight had joked; a word he’d never heard of, assuming it was from her mysterious world. Yes, he was... twitterpated. Lovestruck. So badly in love, he didn’t know what to do nor how to react.

This was a normal emotion, though, at times of inconvenience, the redhead couldn’t help but feel like it should stay foreign, locked away forever only to be unlocked by a key that he'd throw away. His love for you was so strong, that it paralyzed his being, entirely. 

The tug on his heart every time you spoke soft words to him, moved him well beyond admiration. Your thoughtfulness and leadership towards the younger Knights, even when he had an evident grudge against them all, was something he respected. Despite his obvious distrust in the Knights, you were the one difference, an outcast of sorts in that profession. He could get behind you, accept you as a worthy Knight. You were honorable, respectable, strong. He adored you in a way no one saw coming.  

He wanted to tell you. Tell you about the countless amounts of times the mere thought of you had kept him well awake into the night. How every little thing reminded him of you. How he felt the most uncomfortable, yet warmly welcoming tingles all over every inch of him when you spoke. 

But how could he confess his love to you? He was a lone wolf of sorts, Archons, he wasn’t good with words at all. Not anymore. They were harsh, passive, blunt - what woman could love a man like that... He didn’t deserve you. He didn’t deserve happiness. Not in the form of love, not in the form of anything, not from you. His duty was to protect Mondstadt, be the savior everyone so badly needed. But he so badly wanted you and the craving deepened every day. 

So, that’s how he found himself sitting in his office one night, quill and ink in front of him, eyes gliding over a blank piece of paper, thinking of all the words he’d wanted to say. This was the week of Valentine's day, surely this could be the only time that made sense in his mind, where he could confess his feelings for you. 

Despite having a few ideas of what to say, he had no idea where to start. He couldn’t just come out and say I love you, especially since he’d be writing the letter anonymously... That would seem weird, he didn’t want to scare you, freak you out so bad that you rejected his letters and decided to throw them away or burn them. That would surely tear his part into hundreds of pieces. 

Unfortunately enough in this situation, he just happened to be a man of very few words, not used to expressing himself romantically. 

He’d never written a love letter, never once had the words I love you slipped from his tongue. Not unless they were directed towards his mother or father. Sadly, he was unsure they both knew how much he loved and respected them, he’d only said those three little words when they were on their way to heaven... So, he guessed that his aloof behavior towards this all made perfect sense. The young master wasn’t well versed in any type of love language; physical, verbal, or anything in between. The only type of love he’d received and given was paternal and maternal. A different type of love, that was a different type of love than right now.

But Diluc was persistent to spew all his thoughts or else he’d be thinking of you until he was on his deathbed. Eventually, he hoped to reveal himself too, that was preferred. But for right now? He’d stay hidden in the shadows, like the Darknight Hero he was. 

Maybe he was terrified. Scared of your possible rejection, scared to be so open and outgoing, scared to put his feelings on the line only to say the wrong thing and push you away.

Diluc wasn’t scared of many things, no, only a few things had been able to shake him to his core and make him feel utterly weak in the knees from fear.

One, his parents' deaths. Two, you and his love for you...

For once, he wishes he was more like his brother, Kaeya. The Cavalry Captain, outgoing, flirtatious and he could win over any woman or man his heart desired. Diluc had to admit, Kaeya never said the wrong thing unless it was straight idiocy and teasing in nature, that’s where he drew the line and went back to disliking him. But Kaeya was perfect for this... He regretted even thinking this, but maybe seeking his little brothers' help would be best. He didn’t even know where to start or if he would sound like a creep. Archons, he did not want to sound like a creep... Definitely, the last thing he wanted.

So yes, the cryo user was perfect for this. One of the only worries of telling his brother his concerns and need of assistance was the fact that the Captain was unpredictable. Kaeya could be loose-lipped when he wanted and tight-lipped when the situation called for it. He truly was the only two-faced man Diluc had ever come across in his entire twenty-two years of living, that embodied that title proudly, without shame. 

But then he truly thought this through... No. It’d be best not to do that, for at least right now. He’d wait a while until he felt utterly trapped and cornered. Then he would seek... guidance. 

The remainder of the night, the pyro user wrote countless letters, had gone through a sizable amount of ink and paper, and his quill was starting to wear thin. But eventually, he settled on a final product. He was the unsurest he’s ever felt, as he cringed at the letter, folded and sealed it tightly. A hue of red and pinks highlighted his cheeks, brighter than any star in the sky.

Archons, why was he tormenting himself like this... Why.

letter one.

I know this may seem odd, coming from a stranger. But I can assure you I am not a creep of any kind. I can’t help but say, I admire your skills in battle; you’re a force to be reckoned with. Please accept these Cecilia’s, I hope they aren’t too much nor are you allergic.

Best wishes.

Now that he thinks of it, he kind of sounded like he was writing to a business partner, maybe even a Knight honorable of recognition... No, he sounded like a child. Goodness, he’d have to work on expressing himself better. Surely, this wouldn’t capture your heart, no. This would completely friendzone him even more!

Unfortunately, though, it was only then that the letter had already been sent off by his falcon, that he realized that by being anonymous, you would have no way to write a reply to him, and if you somehow did, he’d have no way of retrieving it without revealing himself.  

Archons, he was an idiot.

A lovesick idiot.

[🏷] TAGLIST (if you want to be removed from/added to this specific taglist let me know!)

@gladly-olus , @kyquu , @craptainlou , @mintydump , @chscklvr , @irisxiel , @minh0ree , @whatishappinesswhatislove , @rrintarou , @sorenthousand , @cvsmix​ ,

3.3.21, rayofsunas

[bloodycassian]

BRITTLE - Reader x Az - Azriel meets reader in death. 

TW - suicide/knives/death

Eyes like warm bark in the summer. Skin warm like it too, but those shadows kept him cool. He constantly lived in that chilled environment, even when growing up. Locked deep in that basement dungeon, he learned to become darkness itself. How to encompass it, how to be as cold, harsh...unforgiving. 

But around you…. He may as well have been the bursting dawn. 

Even Rhys had given him a concerned talk after he felt that bond so slowly slide into place. Week after week of meetings just letting each minute detail sink in further and further. From when he couldn’t take his eyes off you, to his first words to you. Then beyond. 

Until that first kiss destined for disaster. You smiled bitterly at the memory of that first kiss. The starfall party that you’d been so graciously invited to. When he pulled you in for a dance and you just felt so right.

Then your memories floated to the mating ceremony. Where you promised to be with each other until you both met your ends. And that tattoo that singed across your skin at the bargain of it. The three bands circling your forearm. He had matching ones that interrupted his traditional tattoos. 

You stared at that tattoo now, trying to shout through the bond for help. You’d already thrown your actual voice out trying to scream for anyone to hear you. The bond was your last hope. You knew he’d be looking for you, but why wasnt it responding?

You picked at your nails, trying to keep your mind occupied with anything but worry. It was hard not to worry locked in a cell though. The stone around you seeped with filthy water, you dared not try it. Your mouth was so dry though. It made it tempting. 

You scribbled words with a small rock into the grimy walls though, trying not to think about how it could be your last message to anyone. 

“The night court is my home. Thank you for welcoming me.”

You thought about yout friends. About Rhys and Feyre. How good of parents they were becoming. How you wished you had that kind of time with Azriel. But it seemed the Cauldron, or the Mother...whoever had a sick way of telling you that happiness was not destined for you. 

You held back the tears, and continued. 

“To the ones who matter - know that I’m okay.” You tried to keep it short and sweet. Short enough to let them know you were ready, and polite enough that they wouldn’t try to seek revenge on the being that had captured you. 

Then Azriel…. There weren’t enough words in the world for him. You could write for the rest of your life and not be able to come up with the correct description for what he meant. For all he’d done.

“My Mate - I’ll be yours forever, till the end. Whatever the end may be.”

You couldnt stop the tears after that one. You let the rock clatter to the floor and buried your face in your hands, sobbing. The gasps wracked your body, and you wanted nothing more than the torture to be over already. The silence was driving you mad. You screamed, you didnt care if your captures heard. 

You screamed and screamed until your voice turned into a weak cry, then you lay in your puddle of tears and passed out. 

+

“Now, Rhys.” Azriel growled through his teeth, eyeing the desert below. He couldn’t fully feel you...and he didn’t know why. His nerves ground on him the entire week, unable to find you where you had been destined. Even talking to locals had led to nothing. If he hand’t noticed something wrong and the bond being off somehow before… this was enough to make his worried validated. 

The high lord’s jaw clenched and he tried his best not to tell his brother to calm. He knew time was of the essence, but he wouldnt risk Az’s life if there were threats below. 

But perhaps his life was ending. It felt like it when he laid eyes on you in that cell. 

The bars blew open before him, shattering into the wall behind you. Rhys didn’t try to stop him. He did break apart the rest of the warding though. “I’ll get a healer.” Were his only words, knowing the worst may be possible. 

Azriel’s warmth encompassed you. Those shadows whipping around, reporting the same dreaded words back to him over and over. 

“Death close - death close -  Danger -death - close - death - dying - death - dead.”

Azriel’s anguished snarl nearly woke you. You swore you could hear it in your dreams. Your dreams of a lavender field and soft grass, wild rivers snaking around all of it making a sweet musical sound. 

Az gripped your neck, and smoothed your hair back as gently as he could. His heart felt like it was being ripped piece by piece with every passing second. With every dull heartbeat his shadows informed him of. His hands shook violently, trying to wake you up by tapping your cheek lightly. “Honey-” His voice cracked. 

The rage seeped in, slowly. Like a fire being lit by coals. It started with a flash, and he was yelling. “Thump, Thump, Thump.. Thump.” Each pounding pulse beat left each of his screams louder. 

“No-” He could feel his face go pale when that sound stopped. “No- no no no…” He shook you lightly, “Wake up. Wake up right now-” He put you on the murky floor and pressed an ear to your chest. “NO.” His roar was accompanied with his hammering into your chest. If you weren’t going to make your damn heart work, he would do it for you. 

The dull sound of his hands working you was the only noise for miles. The world seemed to stop all together for the loss. His shadows seemed to even leave him. For the first time since he’d ever had them. They left. Leaving him completely alone. 

With you. Only you weren’t there anymore.

“You cant do this to me. WAKE UP!” He shouted, pushing frantically at your chest. He didn’t know he was sobbing until his body gave up on trying to support him. His muscles going to help keep him up from the shuddering. He finally laid down with you there, on the cold floor. And let his soul slip away from him. 

He prayed to the mother he didn’t believe in. “Bring my mate back. I’ll give anything.” He didn’t know if he said it out loud or if it was just in his head. But no answer came. And it was strangely quiet without his shadows. Like death itself was present.

His tears stopped long enough for him to notice your matching tattoos sitting side by side. Those three lines that now slowly faded. He became calm. Utterly calm, decided. Unflinching coolness swept back into him. But it wasn’t his shadows. 

He pulled one of the blades from a sheath, took one last glance at you and with a small smile… plunged the dagger into his heart. “I’ll be with you soon, love.” He promised around a mouth of blood.

[arvinsescape]

Time and Space.

A/N: Another angsty one that won’t have a part two, i’ve left it down to readers interpretation as to what happens next. I enjoy writing more angsty fics and i enjoyed writing this. I hope you all enjoy! There is also some slight POV changes in this so if i missed any you/she’s that needed to be corrected i apologise.

Summary: Tom's been distant and it reaches its breaking point.

Warnings: Swearing, so much angst, mentions of mental health being affected.

W/C: 3K

If someone had told you a year ago that on your next birthday you’d be sat crying into your drink you’d have laughed at them but would they have been wrong? No. Here you were crying into your drink and violently sobbing while Tuwaine rubbed your back and tried to calm you down, it wasn’t working.

Harrison was furious with his best friend, he couldn’t be more angry if he tried. He’d promised her he was going to be here and where was he? Well if he’d pick up his fucking phone Harrison might have an answer for the sobbing girl. Tuwaine was utterly lost, he had no idea how to make her feel better.

You looked at your phone for what felt like the millionth time that night, nothing from him and it was 12.01am the day after your birthday. He hadn’t said happy birthday and he hadn’t seen you on your birthday, not spared you a thought in 24 hours. You knew something was wrong, something you couldn’t quite get a grip on, he’d become distant.

“Hey.” You said as you approached him, he was sat on his phone, he didn’t even look at you. “Do you wanna do something today?” You asked and he huffed quietly.

“Not today, love.” He’d answered and it felt cold, withdrawn. He still hadn’t looked at you.

“Okay, then I’m gonna go out for a bit.” You said and he hummed not looking away from his phone.

**

“I applied for a promotion today.” You said over dinner, he was yet to say anything to you.

“Nice.” He said. It sounded like he didn’t mean it. No further questions as if he wanted the conversation to be over.

“I’m kinda nervous for it.” You said hoping to keep the conversation going.

“You’ll do great.” He said as he got up and left the room.

**

He’d been nothing but distant over the last couple of weeks and last night he missed a dinner date, he apologised, although it seemed half arsed and didn’t give a reason. You knew he wasn’t cheating because Harrison had texted you to apologise that he kept Tom out, but Tom said nothing about it. You got up and couldn’t help the brim of tears in your eyes.

“You okay?” He asked as you sniffled.

“Yeah.” You mumbled as you sniffled again and rubbed your nose.

“Okay.” He said as he made his way out the door. You cried for the first time in those couple of weeks. You knew he wasn’t cheating so did he just not love you anymore? Were you an inconvenience? Your mind ran at a thousand miles an hour thinking over all the reasons he was being so cold.

It only got worse, one missed dinner date turned into three so you stopped organising them. He never had a reason for missing them and the last time he’d done it didn’t even pull and apology from him. You folded your arms over the table and stuffed your face into them as you cried harder and Tuwaine wondered how that was possible.

Tuwaine watched as she sobbed her heart out in the middle of a bar not caring if people were looking or not. He pulled her into his chest as she sobbed harder, the tears instantly wetting his shirt but he didn’t care, he was heartbroken for the girl in his arms. He looked at Harrison as Harrisons nostrils flared before he abruptly stood from the table and made his way outside.

“Hey, shh. Come on Y/N, it’s your birthday.” Tuwaine said to her and she didn’t respond, probably didn’t hear as her crying was so loud, he was almost in tears himself watching her break apart in his arms. She shouldn’t be in his arms, this should be Tom comforting her but fuck knows where he is.

Harrison pulled up Tom’s contact one last time before he decided that he was going to go over there and rip him a new one. He placed the phone to his ear as he ran his hands through his hair, surprisingly Tom picked up after the third ring.

“Hey mate.”

“Where the fuck are you?” Harrison growled down the phone.

“What do you mean?” Tom asked confused.

“Of course you forgot. You really are a piece of shit.” Harrison laughed sarcastically, his heart was well and truly broken for the girl inside.

“Forgot what? Are you gonna just keep insulting me or tell me what I’ve done?” Tom snapped and Harrisons nostrils flared as his anger bubbled further to the brim.

“Where’s Y/N?” He asked.

“I don’t know she wasn’t home when I got back.” Tom answered almost as if it meant nothing. No concern. No fucking anything. Harrisons anger completely boiled over.

“It’s her birthday you absolute fucking bell end. She’s sat in the middle of a pub crying because you couldn’t keep yet another promise. You really have outdone yourself.” Harrison said and he heard Tom curse at the other end of the phone.

“Shit, tell her I’ll be there in ten.” He said.

“Don’t fucking bother. You have done more than enough. I’m bringing her home soon and you better just fucking leave her be.” Harrison said.

“No disrespect mate but this is my relationship.” Tom snapped and Harrison laughed at that.

“Is it? Does she know you’re still together?” Harrison bit back, he was beyond angry.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Tom shouted back at him.

“If you don’t know what I mean by that Tom I’m not fucking trying.” Harrison snapped as he put the phone down. He stormed back into the pub, his anger having risen to a point of what he thought was no return until he saw Y/N again and all anger dissipated as he watched her cry into Tuwaine’s chest that should have been Tom’s.

You couldn’t control yourself as you cried, so many thoughts running through your head. You had to go home eventually but that meant back to Tom, maybe, if he was there. You would ask to stay at one of the boy’s house but their house was your house and it was far too late to call anyone else. Maybe you could get a hotel for the night, you didn’t want to speak to Tom tonight, not after this.

“Y/N? I’m gonna take you home okay? I’m gonna give you my room and I’ll sleep on the sofa.” You heard Harrison say as he crouched down next to you.

“But what if Tom’s there?” You sobbed back and he took your hands in his as you pulled away from Tuwaine.

“If you don’t want to speak to Tom tonight you don’t have to.” Harrison said and you nodded as you both stood. Tuwaine grabbed your things as Harrison guided you outside and flagged down a taxi. You managed to compose yourself a little as you sat in the taxi.

“I don’t think he loves me anymore.” You said and Harrison sighed. Harrison wasn’t sure he could answer this, Tom hadn’t said anything but he was sure acting like he didn’t.

“Let’s just get you home and we can talk about this tomorrow okay? You need some sleep.” Harrison said as he pulled you into his side. At some point the crying had taken a toll on you and you let the exhaustion pull you under and you let silent tears fall.

Harrison was aware she’d fallen asleep and a part of him was happy about it, she wouldn’t have to face him tonight. He was so angry that Tom hadn’t seen the heart break in her, she’d become distant herself, lost in her own thoughts more often. She wasn’t enthusiastic anymore and anyone with eyes could see she was slowly breaking so why hadn’t Tom?

Harrison paid the driver as he carefully moved her out of the taxi, carrying her bridal style up the driveway. He noticed the living room light on and he sighed, Tom was waiting. Tuwaine unlocked the door as he made his way upstairs and as Harrison kicked the door shut gently Tom came in.

“She okay?” Tom asked and his heart broke as he took in the state of her, she looked so tired, almost broken, she didn’t have that same peaceful look on her face that sleep normally brought.

“Don’t.” Harrison gritted out as he started to make his way upstairs.

“Harrison sh-“ Tom began to say and Harrison spun round to look at his face.

“Don’t you fucking dare wake her up. I’ll be back down shortly.” Harrison gritted out and Tom nodded as he watched his friend carry his girlfriend upstairs and into his room. She shouldn’t even be crying but here she is and Tom should be comforting her but here he is.

Tom sat on the living room sofa as his leg bounced waiting for his friend to reappear. He was aware he was in for an argument. He’d just been so stressed recently and he’d taken it out on her and he felt awful, he hadn’t noticed the change in her but seeing her tonight and she was only asleep made him realise how much he’d fucked up. Harrison entered the living room as he shut the door and Tom instantly shot up.

“What did you get her?” Harrison asked.

“What?” Tom asked with furrowed brows, he wasn’t sure where this was going.

“For her birthday?” Harrison clarified.

“I forgot.” Tom swallowed as he watched his friends nostrils flare.

“Fucking brilliant. Do you know what she said to me tonight?” Harrison said as he crossed his arms over his chest and Tom shook his head, he couldn’t find his voice.

“She said ‘I don’t think he loves me anymore’ and she fucking believed it.” Harrison said and Tom felt his heart shatter. He knew he’d been distant and he knew he wasn’t being fair to her but he never once thought she’d believe he didn’t love her.

“I do.” Tom said as he felt his tears, he had really fucked up.

“I couldn’t tell her that, Tom.” Harrison sighed as he felt his anger wash away all of a sudden, he was just left with a sadness in his chest over the situation. “I couldn’t stick up for you because you haven’t given me a reason to make her believe otherwise.” Tom’s tears slipped down his cheeks at that, had he really been so cold?

“I’ve just been so stressed, I didn’t mean to be that way.” Tom said and Harrison sighed again as he ran his hands over his face.

“But you were and you didn’t see what it was doing to her. Fuck, Tom we picked up on her changes weeks ago.” Harrison said and Tom nodded as he sniffled. He felt like he had a whole in his heart that was only going to be made bigger once he spoke to his girlfriend.

“I’ve really fucked up Haz, I need to speak to her.” Tom said as he cried.

“Not tonight Tom please, just let her sleep.” Harrison begged as he placed a reassuring hand on his friends shoulder and Tom nodded as he said goodnight and made his way upstairs, he was scared this was going to be the end, that she wouldn’t forgive him for this. He collapsed onto his bed tossing and turning, thinking about what the morning will bring until he eventually fell asleep.

You woke up and your head was pounding from the tears you’d shed last night. You felt awful and as you turned to the bedside table you saw that a packet of painkillers and a bottle of water had been left with a note.

For your head. Me, Tuwaine and Harrison have gone out for the day so you two can talk. I’m here if you need anything, Harry.

Harry hadn’t been able to make it last night for legitimate reasons and the boys must have filled him in this morning. As for Tom, you still had no idea why he couldn’t make it last night. You swallowed the painkillers and drank the bottle of water before making your way into the bathroom. You looked at yourself in the mirror after you finished brushing your teeth and you were shocked by the sight.

You had horrendous bags under your eyes and no life in them. You looked tired, completely drained of energy. You almost cried again at the sight of yourself but you were sure you legitimately couldn’t cry again, you felt numb after your breakdown last night.

You took a shower and let the water wash your tear stains away along with everything else. You felt ready to talk to Tom now, more prepared than last night, you were sure you had no more tears left for him. You loved him, god did you love him but this wasn’t working at the minute and you came to accept that when you were in the shower. His feelings had changed and there was nothing you could do about it, sometimes it happens and you had to accept that.

You realised that you’d have to go back into your shared bedroom in order to get changed and you mentally prepared yourself one last time before you opened the door and there he was sat on the edge of the bed. Your heart broke slightly at the sight of him, he looked tired, like he’d hardly slept. You silently got dressed as neither of you dare say a word until you heard Tom sigh.

“Y/N/N, I’m so sorry.” He said and his voice broke as tears made their way down his face.

“Why weren’t you there?” You asked, voice tired, devoid of all emotion. Tom sobbed before he answered, he knew this would break you heart, you on the other hand weren’t sure if you had any heart left to break.

“I forgot.” He said and shame laced his tone. He prepared himself for the shouting but it never came you only nodded. The lack of emotion from you was frightening Tom to no end.

“Do you still love me?” You asked, you needed to know. You watched as tears fell like a waterfall down his beautiful face. You were right in assuming you had no tears left because usually the sight of him crying would cause some of your own tears, but not right now.

“I do. I love you so much princess. I’m sorry, I’ve been so stressed lately and I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have.” He was still sat on the edge of the bed as he dropped his head into his hands and cried again. You stood still in your position across the room. Normally the nickname would fill you with happiness but right now it was hitting a brick wall. Your heart slightly lifted to hear he still loved you but you still needed space.

“Please can we talk about this? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. I really do love you and I mean that.” He said.

“That’s first time you’ve said those words in a while.” You spoke as you realised.

“What?” He furrowed his brows as he looked at you.

“I love you.” You replied, voice still void of emotion. You were speaking as if you were listing off a fact file.

“I’m sorry.” Tom shook his head as he sniffled loudly before burying his head in his hands again.

“I’m gonna go stay with a friend.” You said as you slowly started to pack a suitcase.

“What? No, baby, we can fix this. You don’t have to leave.” He panicked as he frantically looked at you. You sighed as you continued to pack.

“Tom, I’m tired and I’m drained. I need some time away.” You said honestly as you zipped up your case after having packed what you’d need for a while.

“Please, Y/N don’t leave me.” He pleaded with you as he stood. You sighed again, you’d been through this in your head, you needed time, both of you did.

“Tom, I need some time away from you okay. I need time to think and to process the last seven weeks.” You said.

“What if you don’t come back?” He panicked as he made his way over to you, taking your face in both of his hands looking straight into your eyes. “I love you so much, please don’t leave me. We can talk about it.” Tom was pleading with you now and you felt your first tear fall as he swiftly swiped it away with his thumb.

“Tom I love you, I really do. But we need space and then we can talk okay?” You said.

“But what if you stop loving me?” Tom worried and you smiled as you placed your hands over his.

“A part of me will always love you and I mean that.”

“This feels like a goodbye.” Tom cried.

“It doesn’t have to be, but we need time and space right now. That’s what we need, when I’m ready to talk I’ll let you know.” You said through a sad smile. “I love you.” You said as you placed a sweet kiss to his lips which he instantly returned, his tears mixing with the kiss. You pulled away from him as you grabbed your case.

“I love you so much, please don’t forget that.” Tom said as you made you’re way out of the door.

“I won’t. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.” You softly smiled at him and he returned it as you shut the door and made your way to your car.