#I'm THIS close to making a whole separate post about it because my boy was struggling but he sure wasn't DEAD. 3000 TONS

[idk-bruh-20]

Irondad fic ideas #39

Fic from Tony's POV of the ferry scene from Homecoming, but starting with the phone call. What did the call screen look like from his end? Was he able to see Peter's expressions? Why did he decide to call Peter in the first place? It looks like he's in a car - was Happy driving him somewhere and then Tony was like "my Peter's about to pull some bullshit sense is tingling" and bounced outta there in full Iron Man suit? What did the terror feel like from his end, seeing his a fifteen year old trying to hold together a ferry?

[lovelybrooke]

Third-years reactions to reader wanting to leave

Sorry this took forever, I've been relaxing with my family, but it's here now, so enjoy. Also, tell me if you want a separate post for the staff, I'm willing to do one.

First years---second years.

Trey

Trey figures out you're thinking about leaving when Riddle comes to him in tears. It was the first time since his overblot that he saw him so distraught. He honestly didn't know what to think, since he was too busy trying to comfort his friend. When he finally got time alone, he was truly just confused. Why would you want to leave? He knows you've always wanted to go home, and that you've been working on it for a long time, but does that really mean you have to leave? You have a good life here, friends, people who care about you. Leaving doesn't really seem like the right option. He's not as erratic as some of the others, but he definitely goes through some emotions. Mostly confusion, then anger, then understanding. He gets why you want to leave, this world hasn't been that kind to you. But that doesn't' mean he's just going to except it without at least trying to get you to change your mind.

And that's what he does. He explains how leaving could lead to a lot of problems. What if something bad happens when you attempt to leave, like another overblot or Grim goes nuts. Who will be here to keep all these rowdy boys in line? He tries so hard to convince you it's a stupid decision, without making It sounds like he thinks you're stupid. He's a great manipulator, and doesn't exactly feel bad when he has to do so. You need to stay,

Cater

Cater figures it out from simply watching Trey. It was easily figure out something was up when Trey seemed out of it, messing up recipes and not behaving like his usual composed Trey self. Honestly, he should've figured it out sooner, with the supposed "sickness" his housewarden came down with not too long ago. It didn't take a genius to figure out what everyone was so hung up on. You wanted to leave, what's the big deal. Wasn't that your whole goal the entire time? Why is everyone so surprised.

Cater puts up an uncaring front, acting the same around you. He even supports you on your adventures in the future when you eventually leave. However, behind closed doors, he's an absolute reck. Crying as he scrolls through photo after photo of you, some with the both of you, and some that you definitely weren't away he'd taken. He'd can't believe you want to leave, after everything that's happened you'd just abandon them. Abandon him. His anger quickly melts into determination. He's just not good enough yet, that's it. That's fine, he can fix it, he'll make everything perfect for you. He gets Heartslabyul back into shape, mainly their housewarden, and demands perfection. He'll get everything back to the way it was before, and then you won't even think about leaving.

Leona

Leona learns about your plan from Jack. Like a good first year he tells him right away. Leon honestly doesn't care, not because he wants you to leave, the exact opposite really. He just knows there's no way in hell that you're leaving. You've managed to enamor some of the most powerful people imaginable, and you think you'll just be able to leave? That's funny, but no.

He doesn't understand what Jack and Ruggie are so worked up about. So what if there's some stupid mirror, there's no proof it works. Even if it does work, one of them will just find a way to get you back, no big deal.

He huffs and complains when Ruggie demands he talk to you, believing he can talk some sense into you. He shows up at your dorm with an uncaring expression, talking to you blankly. He tells you that there's no chance you can leave, and you should get it out of your little head. He yawns, and lays his large body on your couch, before threatening to break that mirror if you do forget about it. He falls asleep right after, like he didn't just scar you.

Rook

Rook likes to keep an eye on you, party because Vill asks him too, and party because he wants to. Because of this, he finds out fairly quickly, but waits to do anything about it until he's sure it's true. Then, he tells Vil so that an actual plan can be made. Though, he's never that worried. He has faith that his wonderful housewarden will be able to convince you to remain in this world. Even as Vil and Epel are panicking, he's calm and composed the entire time.

There is a part of him though, a small, small part of him, that wonders what life would be like without you. His mind is blank when he tries to do so, however. You've brought so much beauty into his world, without you it would just be cold and grey. He's reminded of this beauty whenever he watches you, you're so brave and compassionate. He's drawn to you in a way he cannot explain, there are never enough words to do so in one sitting. So, instead, he sends you poem after poem, all in different spots each day. He just wants to remind you that people care about you. Though, as time goes on, and the year gets closer to ending, the poems become more and more sinister and creepy. They're filled with dark reminders of what everyone would do to keep you here, with them. The once sweet and loving lines are replaced to be dark and obsessive.

You wonder what Rook truly feels, if the flowery words you came to enjoy were just a front for the deep and obsessed loved he truly felt.

Knowing him you'd never really know.

Vil

Vil learns from Rook, and he can't believe it. You? Leaving? That can be right? Though, Rook came to him with enough evidence for it to be possible. For a second he considers breaking down right there. If you leave, what would everything he'd done be for? He's worked so hard to become someone you'd love, and you're just going to leave him. He doesn't though, he remains calm and poised, and quickly comes up with a plan with Rook. He knows something must be done about this, especially before others find out.

Whenever Vil is done however, he's a mess. He's in shambles, wondering what he could've done better. Maybe if he was prettier, kinder, smarter, just...more, you wouldn't want to leave. He runs through his mind, wondering what he could do to make you stay. In the end, he decides it's best to talk with you, over the phone however, you can't see him like this. He pleads with you to stay, to reconsider. If you're worried about where to stay during the summer, he's sure his father wouldn't mind you staying with them. Do you not feel happy here? What can he do better, please just tell him so he can fix this, so things can go back to normal, please?

Idia

Idia learns from his brother, who's distraught. Honestly, he should've expected this. He knew this great thing would never last, someone who was kind to him and treated him like a person rather than a bother. He knew you'd get bored and leave. It doesn't make it any less disappointing when you do though. He sits in his room and doesn't leave, which isn't that strange for Idia. What is strange is him being so motivated to keep you here. He hacks into any devices that you have, seeing who you're talking to incase someone convinced you to leave. He also watches you through these devices, making sure you don't actually do anything you might regret.

He almost feels bad, snooping through your stuff like this. Emphasis on almost, however, since this isn't the first time he's done so. It's like he's numb to invading your privacy. He justifies it by believing that he's doing good, he's preventing you from leaving them, from ruining everything everyone has worked for. So what if he's snooping through your phone and reporting back anything suspicious to the others, it's your fault for wanting to leave them so badly. Even with all the mental gymnastics he does, he never once tries to contact you, too afraid of what you might say or do. He doesn't want to loose your friendship, and he can't stand you being mad at him. He's content with watching you from a distance, regardless of how creepy it is.

Lilia

Lilia's known. From the moment the thought was put into your small human head he's known you were planning on leaving. Honestly, he doesn't blame you, the children around this school are anything but subtle. If it wasn't for the lack of resources, you'd would've left this place sooner. But no, you're still here, and you've wormed your way into the hearts of these precious students, and now you have to face the consequences. He doesn't see a point in contacting you or trying to get you to change your mind. He knows that you're serious about it from the befuddled reactions from the students. In fact, he spends most of his time trying to comfort Malleus, since Sebek just had to go and tell him.

"Oh don't worry Malleus, they're not gonna leave." He coons to the poor dragon and he wallows. In truth, he fears for you, for Malleus's reaction. He knows it's only a matter of time before his sadness becomes rage, and at that point Lilia isn't sure he can help.

Lilia doesn't want you to leave. In fact, if you were just a bit smaller he's sure he would've picked you up and never let you go. You're just adorable, thinking you can leave them. And even if you do, there's always a possibility that they'll just find a way to you.

Malleus

In rained the day the news was brought to Malleus from Sebek. Well, rain was really and understatement, it was more like a thunderstorm, rattling all the windows in the school, threatening them to break. It was no secret that the Diasomnia housewarden was enamored with you, he never cared to hide it. So when rain and wind came crashing down, no one spoke a word about it, too afraid of what might happen to them.

Malleus can't possibly wonder why'd you want to leave, they've spoiled you to no end, provided you a home and care, practically worshipped you. He's personally made sure that you were treated the best, because you were the best, at least in his eyes. So what if you were just some magic-less human, you were his magic-less human, and that's all that mattered.

Malleus spends the beginning wallowing in his own pity, too depressed to leave his bed. He's afraid to face you, party because he doesn't know what he'd do when he'd finally see you again. He spends his time being comforted by Lilia, who tries to convince him that you leaving is impossible, which Malleus never believes.

Finally, when the skies clear and people can finally go outside again, do they see Mallues walking the Halls of Night Raven. He's composed, standing tall and regal. When he arrives at your dorm, seeing you for the first time in days, he doesn't belittle you or loose control. Instead, he offers you a smile, before taking your hand as you fall into a deep slumber.

There, he erases any silly little thought about leaving. You'd awake like nothing happened, smiling and happy, ready to see the friends that cared so much about you. You'll never know about the mirror missing from your room, or the chaos you caused because of an offhanded comment made at lunch. All you'll know is you had a silly little dream that felt way, way too real.

---

A/n: I hoped you enjoyed, sorry for taking so long.

[withered--s0uls]

OKAY, I think I'm done for now.

@electrozeistyking and I a little while ago talked about how GD!N would react to DAS!Cyn. They went on about in a reblog but basically he would be extremely happy bc DAS!Cyn is a separate entity to the Absolute Solver, therefore meaning she's not the one behind everything.

So at first they probably both would be extremely happy. DAS!Cyn in her own AU upon meeting N first is absolutely terrified that he might hate her after everything the AS made her do. So the fact GD!N would react very positively to her presence would be a huge a relief to her.

Now, the issue is that the "Dormant" in "Dormant" Absolute Solver is in quotations for a reason. It simply lost interest in her as a main host / had no need for her anymore. It still has admin rights over DAS!Cyn and she still has a Solver Form. Though she doesn't use it by choice bc of PTSD triggers (until possibly a specific point in Ep7 but I'm waiting for ep8 to decide).

So yeah I think that would make both GD!N and DAS!Cyn kinda anxious to put it lightly.

(More Art and stuff under cut because this crossover has been living RENT FREE IN MY HEAD)

Also fun fact

@electrozeistyking has mentioned and shown Beanie finding comfort in the sound of her fathers core.

Well funny story.

DAS!Cyn always was comforted by her brothers core back at the manor, when they first reuite at the start of Ep6 and she sees DAS!Uzi summon her Solver wings and tail, her instinct is pressing closer to DAS!Ns chest for comfort. Her memories of the Solver features are very very blurry, but she is triggered by seeing them regardless.

I thought It was cute the girls have that in common, so I decided to draw them and GD!N sleeping with the girls having their heads close to his core :3

OKAY FINALLY WE GET TO THE DOODLE PAGE

I didn't feel like fully making these so they're sketchy doodles :"

The first two are based on Zeisty saying GD!N would probably pick DAS!Cyn up and spin her around. Also you probably noticed between this doodle, the first drawing & the Tiny!N & DAS crossover post, but DAS!Cyn displays flowers on her visor to emote happiness!

The 3rd and 4th are just random interactions between the kiddos lol. I feel like Beanie probably would be happy to have another Auntie, not to mention one closer to her age so they can do silly kid stuff together. DAS!Cyn... oh boy

She would feel a whole range of emotions; grief about missing so much of her brothers life (like he has a kid ffs), guilt and self blame after finding out what happened to Uzi (she blames herself for everything the AS caused, even tho she never agreed to it) which might end up in a "slight" breakdown, anger at the AS for causing GD!N that kind of pain and eventually once she processed all those emotions she probably would be excited to get to know Beanie. Like!! Imagine finding out you have a little Niece!!

She probably would struggle to easily keep up with Beanie bc she still has motor issues like in canonverse so she's a little slower, so it'd be mostly her trying not to fall over her own feet whilst being dragged around by an excited toddler who probably even with child lock is stronger than her lmao.

Also I drew DAS!Cyn in an alternate outfit bc I wanted to actually kinda show the oil reserve canister,,,

Ok wanting to respond to the hashtags specifically bc :)) yay

Also ig this is some DAS lore fact drops lol

Yeah, DAS!Cyn kinda didn't take it well either when she first realized the AS technically can still take over if it really wanted to after she transferred bodies in an attempt to escape. Imagine getting your core nearly crushed in an attempt to flee from robo satan just to find out entity STILL can use you for their bidding. Like!!! Damn that's not fair the kid nearly fucking died trying to break free!!!

DAS!Cyn definitely would want to spare Beanie the horrors too. DAS!Cyn herself is mentally like 7-10/11 at best 6-9 at worst -- despite kids usually just saying whatever comes to mind, she repressed most AS related stuff for a reason, she definitely wouldn't share what she knows with her newfound niece

I feel things would be either super great and happy or super traumatizing depending on when in the timeline we throw DAS!Cyn at them. If she's there during ep 6-7? Oh boy. Oh no. DAS!Cyn & DAS!N have an exchange during Ep7 that would not go over so well if it was GD!N in DAS!Ns place, because it would be awfully similar to GD!Uzis death -- she doesn't die, because DAS!N can't get himself to shoot with her being so close to the AS, despite her literally shouting at him to do it and that she won't be angry, that'll be fine. -- yeah I don't think GD!N would handle that well 😭 Zeisty feel free to get the angst train rolling if you wanna add your two cents on how that'd go over -- any point before that? Probably fine. Post S1? I'd imagine also fine depending on what Ep8 throws at us (except like... look at ideas list for more info*)

I'll assume that'd be Beanie reacting to seeing DAS!Cyn having the Solver tail and possibly the glitching Solver symbol in her visor. Yeah she definitely would try to play it off and go try and hide somewhere until she can get it under control again. High stress or negative emotions causes her Solver to act up (unrelated to the AS, just her own Solver form without the entity controlling anything!!) So what I said above to her reaction to the news of GD!Uzi being dead? And possibly finding out the reason why? Yeah that might trigger her tail and wings to pop out and her to basically be reduced to a hyperventilating ball on the floor because of proceeding to blame herself for all of GD!Ns suffering due to thinking the AS actions & it being a danger are her fault

Other things I kinda wanted to doodle but didn't for now, might do at a later point;

Cyn still has a Solver Core, which is the same as a DD core (except smaller lol). So I was playing with the idea of Beanie noticing that her core sounds different from GD!Ns due to hers being severely damaged and actively leaking after the AS attempted to crush it during the body transfer. DAS!Cyn then trying to play it off

Some kind of acknowledgement of the Oil reserve canister on DAS!Cyns back, it was made by Tessa before the AS did the medurder and stuff. It's supposed to help keep the Solver in check by preventing overheating, hence why its directly connected to her chest where her core is

There was something else but it slipped my mind

Smth I'm not gonna say publicly for now until Zeisty posts something about it and/or eventually posts the chapters bc I don't want to spoil esp not bc it isn't my place to :" (if you're curious, Zeisty, lmk I can tell you in VC or DMs lol) but it partly would possibly be related to the 1st idea listed

* I have an idea for what happens to Cyns original body (the one the AS uses & that wears Tessa) post Ep8 IF Ep8 let's me do it that is. I think it could be fun to crossover that idea bc of GD!Ns ghost sight.... tho it definitely also would be fucking stressful and trauma inducing bc Solver stuff sooo yeah rip (again, if you want I could elaborate in vc or DMs on this bc I want to first wait and see what the season finale brings before I do anything "official" with this)

GD!N reacting to the information that DAS!Cyn canonly shot "Tessas" gun at the AS (well technically at its tentacles. Point being that kid fired a gun/knows how to use one) -- which again could be very interesting if we were to toss them into the same Ep7 bc that's when she does it

Possibly GD!N finding out ab the scars/cracks surrounding DAS!Cyns core bc,,, yeah

Anyways uuuhh heightbsheet bc I'm 99% sure I drew stuff inaccurate

These were actually so fun to draw and think & talk about. I'll post the GD x IC crossover once I'm done with that (yes, yes there is more than what you already saw Zeisty. Not much more but more nonetheless)

[softxsuki]

Hello, I have an urgent request, could I request head cannons for Baji and Hakkai and how they would comfort/ help their s/o with anorexia? But like, they never noticed since their s/o is always wearing baggy clothes, but one day they collapse and then the boys go to pick them up to help them and realize how thin they are.

My mental health has been really down recently and your blog has brought me so much comfort, keep up the good work :)

Baji, Hakkai, and Mitsuya (Separate) with Anorexic Reader

Pairings: Baji x Gn!Reader, Hakkai x GN!Reader, Mitsuya x Gn!Reader

Warnings: mentions of anorexia, being thinner than usual, mentions of potential death in mitsuya's (very brief), pretty sure I accidentally used a comma instead of a period somewhere in here, but I'm too tired to look for it :0

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Headcanons

Word Count: 1.1k

Summary: In which you collapse and upon helping you up, they discover how thin you've become and address the issue of your anorexia

[A/N: Hi hun! I was supposed to write this yesterday, but I woke up not feeling too great, so sorry for the delay. I'm so happy to hear that my blog has brought you some comfort <3 I hope these headcanons are useful to you as well then <3 Take care! ]

Baji:

You were spending the day with Baji at his place

It was pretty easy hiding your anorexia from him–he never pushed you to eat at his place, having already told you that you can just take food if you want it from his kitchen

He was always too caught up in the moment of spending time with you to realize that you never ate while with him

So when you suddenly collapsed after standing up from the couch, he was very shocked, and worried

He’s by your side in a second wrapping his arms around your waist to hoist you up, but what he feels makes him pause

Expect him to be very blunt, he’s not going to sugar coat his way around asking you upfront why you’re so thin

And he doesn’t have the patience to hear you try and weave your way around excuses–you weren’t like that before

Is this why you haven't been so touchy with him lately? You used to love cuddling up to him, but lately you had been pushing him away

He didn’t really think anything of it at the time though; gosh he was so stupid

He picks you up with ease and traps you on his lap as he sits back on the couch, refusing to let you go until you’re honest with him

Doesn’t care if you’re upset with him afterwards, he needs to know so he can help

After everything is said and done though, he’d apologize for being so rough about things

You’re very important to him, and he doesn’t want you to struggle in any way, especially not right under his nose when he could have been helping you the whole time

You’re definitely not getting off easy though, he’s keeping a close eye on you this time, and will try and make sure you at least eat something whenever you’re with him

He’d do whatever he can to make sure you feel better again–tells you that you don’t have to starve yourself

Reminds you of how perfect you are in his eyes, and how badly he wants you to be healthy again

Overall, he is very passionate and a bit aggressive at his approach to help you out, but he’ll soften if you ever crack under the pressure and apologizes for being too tough on you

Just tell him your boundaries very clearly and he’d do his best to not cross them

Hakkai: 

You were walking hand in hand with Hakkai back home when you suddenly collapsed, causing Hakkai to freak out

Reaching down to help you up, he could feel how thin your arms were

He tries to wipe the shock off his face though, not wanting to alarm you or make you think that he was judging you or anything–because he wasn’t, he’s just…worried

After reassuring him that you’re okay and just felt dizzy for a moment, he plays along and continues to walk by your side, your hand still held in is

He’s not fully there though as you try to talk to him for the rest of the walk

Truth be told, he was trying to figure out how he wanted to address what he had discovered; would it be rude if he just asked you outright? What if you got self-conscious and closed off from him? What if you scolded him for pointing out when he should have just kept the discovery to himself? He was just over-thinking at this point

So when you finally arrive at your place and kiss him goodbye, getting ready to let go of his hand and walk into your home, his grip on your hand doesn’t loosen

“What’s going on?” He asks nervously, hesitant that you’d take his words the wrong way, but knowing he needed to address it nonetheless

If you do brush him off though, he definitely wouldn’t have the guts to reiterate what he means, so he’d try again another day, but he’d be keeping a closer eye on you

He loves you so much and he’s scared he’ll say the wrong thing and potentially lose you one day, so he’s extremely cautious

However, if he does notice you getting thinner and thinner before his eyes, he would find the courage to go to you about it

He just wants to help you and love you–he wants a long future together with you where you’re both healthy and happy! So he’ll definitely make sure that happens.

Tell him what he needs to do to help, and he’ll do it 

Mitsuya:

You were jumping onto Mitsuya’s motorcycle behind him, when the world started to spin, making you stumble a bit, almost falling off the bike had Mitsuya not caught you

He felt it, how thin you had become, but it wasn’t news to him–he had already noticed your face getting thinner and thinner each time he met up with you, but he couldn’t sit by and help from the sidelines anymore, he needed to be more bold with his approach

“You’ll be riding up here from now on until you start taking better care of yourself, darling,” he whispers in your ear as he sits you in front of him, making sure your helmet is on securely before racing off with you leaning against his chest

You knew he had found out–but you didn’t know that he had already known for a long time–as observant as he was, Mitsuya was a gentleman and he didn’t want to address it at first in fear that it would make you self-conscious

His lousy attempts at helping you subtlety weren’t working so he needed to do more–and that started now

The rest of the ride is silent (ofc, you’re not gonna try and scream over the motorcycles’ engine lol) but as soon as he stops at your destination, he keeps you trapped in his arms

“Look, I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself, and I won’t pry for an answer if you’re not ready to give one, But something has to change. I can’t sit back and watch you slowly kill yourself. I love you too much to see you harm yourself like this, so please…tell me what I can do for you and I’ll do it.”

With having two sisters, he’s used to being the person people rely on, and you feeling like you couldn’t do that, hurt him, but he needed you to know that he was here to help and even after knowing what he knows, he still loves you and will continue to love you through it all

That’s the only time he’d bring it up though. He keeps a close eye on you and makes sure you’re eating well balanced meals, even if it isn’t a lot. But he won’t speak of it ever again until you bring it up first

When you’re ready to take the step to seek professional help as well, he’s right there by your side the whole way

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

[williamrikers]

The Undeniable Queerness of Enchanté the Series

(thank you @ranchthoughts for letting me ramble about this in your inbox before turning my thoughts into a post)

there are bls and then there are bls. right? there are dead fish kisses and there are characters who kiss each other like their lives depend on it.

and enchanté firmly belongs in the second category. 1,500-word essay under the cut.

there is such a consistent and tangible queer undercurrent to everything that's happening on this show and i'm not just talking about the fact that several scenes look like they could be the opening scene of a gay porno. or the surprise bondage. or force in drag. or proposing marriage in front of the eiffel tower. no, there's this aching, desperate desire underlying everything. theo has--in addition to his main love interest--four very hot gay suitors who all very obviously desire him carnally... this is some sort of gay manic pixie dream boy wish fulfilment fantasy and i am absolutely eating it up.

there is a vibe to the show that @ranchthoughts called "fanfic-like", and i would argue that that's because enchanté is actually fanfiction of the little prince. (i'm planning on making a separate post soon about how the book was referenced on and used as inspiration for the show.)

enchanté is fully aware of its own fictionality. it is on-the-nose fictional. but that's what makes it so much fun--it's not trying to be something it isn't.

take the reading memories segments in episode 4 [3/4] for example: these scenes were incredibly cringe, like, full-on bad-green-screen terrible-costumes-and-wigs hilarious-acting cringe, but fully aware of their own cringe-ness. (also, gawin was both in drag and naked in the same scene as two different characters, like. get on enchanté's level.) (incidentally, can anyone tell me what character aou/phupha was supposed to be? i got detective conan, monkey d. luffy and momotarō for the others, but i'm stumped on phupha's character.)

and that self-awareness makes it camp! there is such a level of camp to the whole show which feels extremely intentional (especially in the first two thirds), almost like a meta-commentary: "this is the genre. we know it's stupid but we love it here", and i adore that. they know the tropes, they know the bl landscape, and they're just having fun with all of it.

and the whole set-up in itself is a queer allegory, isn't it? theo and akk are "from different worlds", so to speak, hindered in their love not just by their complete inability to communicate but also by their forced separation as children. when they meet again, theo doesn't really belong anywhere, he's an outsider both in france and in thailand, he is unable to act the way thai society expects him to act (e.g. failing to show the proper respect to the seniors), unable to get his parents to understand him while being actively lied to by them (the whole ocean of miscommunication in that family deserves its own post), harboring feelings for his childhood friend his whole life but unable to voice them in a normal sort of way, instead falling back on concocting the most convoluted, immediately backfiring plan to try to make akk jealous and get him to confess his feelings first.

theo is fundamentally isolated because he grew up between two cultures, and neither one quite fits him: when he's in france, he is comforted by thai food and the only people he's close with (his grandmother and sun) are from thailand like himself; but when he's in thailand, he can't quite get used to the social conventions and makes social blunders, he is very slow at writing in thai.

it's such a poignant queer allegory in my opinion. they didn't end up making as much a point of it on the show as they could have, but it very much informed my whole reading of the show and the characters. there is a sort of inability to articulate his experience surrounding theo that makes him even more isolated and screams "baby gay in need of a community" to me. having akk share his experience at the end is something that i'm not a big fan of for other, unrelated reasons (might make a separate post about enchanté's ending and why it fell flat for me), but when looking at it through this lens, it is the only way for akk to really get theo, to really understand his struggle on a fundamental level.

which brings me back to that desire i mentioned earlier: theo desires akk, very much so, there are a whole handful of scenes where akk gets close to him and theo closes his eyes, expecting to finally be kissed by him, but more than that, he desires understanding. he often brushes off his own difficulties and has a tendency to be emotionally clueless (for example about his parents' divorce), but what i see most in his character is the desire to be understood, to be seen by akk, for akk to see him for who he is and to love him for who he is. (akk, of course, has been doing both of those things all along. he's constantly taking pictures of theo, he's watching him through his window--with theo's full knowledge--he is always looking at him, he's always loving him.)

it's not inherently queer to want to be loved as we truly are, i believe heterosexual people experience this, too, but in the context of queerness itself, being perceived as queer by other queer people is indeed a fundamental aspect to experiencing queer love (maybe not in gay for you bls, but i haven't heard of much gay for you happening in real life). not to be unscientific about this, but the vibes of the perception aspect of enchanté are just very queer to me, you know?

oh, and speaking of desire: enchanté in general is very physical. there is a level of intimacy between the actors and the camera that seems incredibly intentional: there are several shower scenes, scenes of theo and akk shirtless, TWO (2) nude gawin scenes (though one of those is sadly a fake-out and he is actually wearing shorts), many, many scenes that include bare feet, which is not something i see super often in bl, at least not to the point that i notice the frequency of it.

enchanté is very rooted in the physical reality of desirable bodies: theo is allowed to openly, physically flirt with saifa, even though that's not even his endgame love interest, phupha uses physical touch in his pursuit of theo, natee shows his obsession with theo by drawing his face/body about a hundred times, and akk and theo are wholly unable to keep their hands off each other. i've joked about the intricate rituals, but seriously, they are constructing so many intricate rituals. there are two separate scenes in which they make up excuses to kiss each other's elbows/arms/backs. they keep touching each other in a thousand ways, in every possible way they can that is still plausibly deniable as physical desire--until they kiss while watching that movie and then it's just a game of chicken of who will confess first. because their physical attraction to each other is undeniable. it's obvious. this was really refreshing to see in a genre that so often plays with the blushing maiden trope, and one character is so often made to pursue the other: on enchanté, akk and theo are equally horny for each other. it's not their lack of physical attraction that keeps them apart for so long.

(sadly, the show then shies away from actually getting very sexually physical: after their desperate, stunning, amazing balcony-kiss, they aren't allowed to be horny for each other in the last two episodes, when they're actually in a relationship. this is just one of the many aspects that i didn't like about the conclusion of the story, because you simply cannot tell me that these two as we got to know them in episodes 1 to 8 would really be as chaste with each other as they're shown in episodes 9 and 10.)

leaving that aside for the moment, let's talk about that kiss. as mentioned right at the beginning, when these two kiss each other on the balcony, it's desperation in its rawest form. these two--and especially theo--crave each other. theo kisses akk like he will die without him. theo kisses akk like he can finally breathe. theo kisses akk like he never wants to do anything else ever again.

i'm a bit obsessed with book's acting here, because of all the kissing scenes i've seen him in, i think this is THE most desperate one. force plays it a bit more subtle, but book's expression is full-on anguish. theo waited his whole life to be kissed by akk, and book portrays that so beautifully, with such depth. it's one of my favorite bl kisses for sure, it's played with so much heart, so much feeling, that it's hard to even think of kisses that compare, apart from the bad buddy episode 5 rooftop kiss.

anyway, all of this to say that enchanté to me is deeply, lovingly queer, and it's a shame that so many people are sleeping on it. (and that includes myself, i was wary about watching this show for a long time because i'd heard so many negative things about it.)

but i'm here to tell you: watch enchanté. it's wonderful, it's hilariously funny, it's endearing, it has book and force in it, and it is extremely queer.

[vivid-vices]

hello hi, wanna go off a bit about mori-san? whatever you want to say, just have fun~

hi :) i always wanna talk about mori!!

i can't stop thinking about the disconnect between mori and dazai that comes from mori projecting onto dazai so hard. like when they first met dazai was very much like mori - obviously much more disinterested in life but he didn't have any close human connections and was able to follow mori's commitment to the ideal solution because of it. but through chuuya and ango and especially oda, he came to develop strong bonds with people that mori simply doesn't have. and mori didn't predict that.

dazai's words to fyodor about not trusting anything you can't control could apply equally to mori. he's a chess master and the city of yokohama is the board and the mafia members are his pieces. he treats them well, doesn't carelessly throw away lives, but at the end of the day, they have a purpose to serve. and oda - he was barely a pawn. he was so underutilized. mori doesn't have the kind of relationships that would allow him to prioritize true friendship, to value people outside of their usefulness. he expected dazai to follow his logic and ultimately understand the purpose of the sacrifice.

except dazai loved oda. and oda threw a wrench in all of mori's careful planning by telling dazai to escape to the light.

because maybe, maybe, mori could've predicted dazai going off to sulk and be angry for a while before ultimately coming back to the mafia, because what else did he have in life before oda gave him a purpose? but when he first heard that dazai joined the agency, it had to be a complete shock. a slap in the face, honestly. his greatest tool, his most competent executive, the boy he trained and taught and led for four years, now part of an enemy group because of his own actions.

that had to sting a bit. not even close to enough to regret getting the permit, of course, but for mori as a person, it had to be painful.

but mori would probably never acknowledge that emotion. it was for the good of the mafia, of yokohama as a whole, after all, and that's the only thing that matters. outwardly, at least.

i think mori is a deeply lonely person and dazai was one of the few people who made a dent in that loneliness - part of the reason why elise now copies some of his personality traits. (and i could make a whole post about elise, i love her so much. elise is such a reflection of his loneliness. you don't create an entire person if you have healthy relationships and aren't a control freak, but i digress.) but his biggest failure was in thinking that dazai was equally lonely, equally alone, and equally willing to put the organization over everyone and everything.

because mori has nothing else other than the mafia. it's both his home and his prison. like he said to chuuya, he's both a leader and a slave to the organization. that will never change.

and as silly as it sounds to blame the difference between them on the power of friendship, it's the only thing that separated dazai from ending up just like mori. except dazai has a capacity for cruelty that mori doesn't and if oda hadn't told dazai to leave the mafia, i think we would've seen the results of that immediately after his death.

anyway. i'm insane about mori and dazai. i think about them so much. their dynamic is one of my favorite relationships in bsd because of the range and ambiguousness of it - it's never even close to familial, way too casual for typical boss/employee while still definitely not friendly, dazai was a complete brat to him most of the time while mori was just amused, and now there's this one-sided absolute hatred while mori holds zero resentment towards dazai so you can't really even call them enemies. there's no label for whatever they have going on. and i'm not normal about it. at all.

[beebopboom]

A Bookshop in Soho Eden

This is not a new idea and after reading these wonderful post by @the-apology-dance here and @queerfables here my brain just got hooked on it. I wanted to see though, if I could take this idea one step further and oh boy can you - so if you want to join me down this rabbit hole I went down strap in for this rollercoaster - I broke it down to three parts that I will post separately

This is technically season 3 speculation as I bring up some points connected to the Second Coming for further down the line

Also I'm just going to lay out the information then connect in all in the end so just stay with me - it will all connect

But without further ado

Aziraphale's Jobs over the years

Let's start at the beginning or just after - the Garden of Eden

Angel of the Eastern Gate and donned with a flaming sword - technically on apple tree duty according to him but we only see him after the whole eating the apple business. What we do see is him doing is opening his “gate” for them to leave, closing it, and then getting questioned by God - specifically about his flaming sword. The next time we see him he is back at his post on the wall - Adam and Eve are quite a bit away by now - and this is when Crowley comes up to him.

The thing I find interesting about this is that he is still there after the apple business is done and over with - and he is still in guarding position, looking out towards the humans

So let's take a look into the actual bible for maybe an answer as to why -

Genesis 3:24 - “He drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turn every way to guard the way to the Tree of Life”

Now the Tree of Life is an interesting mention with it's connection to the Second Coming

So let’s take a quick look into what the Tree of life is

The Tree of Life is mentioned in two particular stories in the bible - Genesis and Revelations - or in other words the Beginning and the End

Adam and Eve had access to this tree and were only warned against the Tree of Knowledge because they couldn’t have both - eternal life or knowledge of good and evil

So once they had taken a bite from the apple God then revoked their access to the Tree of Life by banishing them from the garden and placing a guard - no humans were to have access anymore

Until the Second Coming comes around where all the humans who have passed judgement(all the names written down in the book of life) and get to live in Gods’s paradise again - with the Tree of Life in the center and fully accessible. People are able to consume the fruits from the tree once again

The point I'm trying to make is yes technically he was on apple tree duty then but now he is on Tree of Life duty - it’s the purpose of him remaining in Eden, and on Earth among humans. Protection for and against humans

Now Aziraphale had one more job that I wanted to bring up, courtesy of the Demon’s Guide to Angelic Beings who Walk the Earth, and that is Garden Designer. We don't know exactly when he did this so we can only guess - I’m going to out on a limb and say the 16th - 17th century French Gardens

Developed from Italian renaissance gardens, this style of gardening used symmetry, parterres, and geometrical shapes. I’m just going to touch on some key features but if you want to learn more here are some links (here and here)

These gardens tended to start at the house and were meant to be view from above on the terraces. There would be a main path way that would lead away from the house and would come to a circular center that was often just lawn or water sometimes surrounded by trees, it was from here that the garden was broken down into sections. Through the use of geometry they created perspective and optics with rows and designs of the plants placement. Closer to the house these designs were more complex with them getting less complex the further away. Symmetry and control over the plants was a big part as it was a way show a man's mastery over nature. Water was also a key feature mainly through the use of still water ponds that served as mirrors. On top of all these interesting designs the gardens were often decorated with statues. These gardens were meant to tell a story whether viewed from above or walking within - it would seem as though you were going through different rooms

Some of these these design elements might sound familiar and they should - it's only reflected in one of the most visited places in the show

The Bookshop - A.Z. Fell and Co.

Aziraphale opened up the bookshop in 1800, but had been working on it for years as we learn from Crowley in 1793, all due to his love of books. Not that the actually wants to sell his books and actively makes it unpleasant to a customer.

The bookshop also serves another purpose though - it's a safe place. I've theorized before in this post about how something happened before 1793 but after 1601 that made Crowley get in trouble with Hell due to their arrangement - a fear that Aziraphale has had from the start. So Aziraphale took this chance to combine the things he loved and the need for a safe place so he could hang out with the one he loved - all wrapped up in the explanation that he was just doing his job and was able to make it a Heaven’s embassy - unable to enter without permission and easy ways to sneak out. But I’m not here to really talk about the emotional connections -

So let’s look at the actual layout of the bookshop - the bare bones at least

As soon as you go through the door you are hit with a second circular doorway - pointed out to be the omega symbol. In this front little area there are three tables but then we lead into the center of the bookshop with a big circle rug lit up by the skylight and surrounded by four pillars. It is from here that the bookshop opens up into different pathways and sections all directed by the actual bookshelves. Towards the back of the shop is a staircase that leads up to the second floor where you can still look down and around the lower floor. There are statues placed all around the shop with extra tables and chairs throughout and quite a few rugs with some French influenced designs on them laying about.

(credit to whoever made this - you are a godsend)

Rings some bells doesn’t it?

Now you may be asking why these specific gardens instead something more like Eden to commemorate their first meeting on Earth. I mean this is Aziraphale we are talking about - the angel who got himself arrested because he wanted to go on a french date and who decided to learn french, or in other words one of the more romantic languages, the human way. For designing a bookshop that would be their safe space picking a french design is not too far out there.

But what if I told you there was more to his bookshop and the of Whickber Street as a whole.

If you remember the whole Tree of Life rant I went on earlier let me add one more piece of information - the geometry symbol

so is that bookshop is not only meant to represent their Eden but particularly the paradise that is the reward of the Second Coming? Is he actually really doing his job in protecting the Tree of Life from humans? Even if it was a subconscious choice on Aziraphale’s part - could it explain the concept art of the cut dream?

Technically on Tree of Life duty guarding his books/fruit of eternal life from humans in their modern day Eden.

Now I’ll admit it doesn’t line up perfectly but I wanted to include it because my next point can still stand either way - and I’m going to go more into this idea in the other parts.

Rivers of Time

In Eden there is one big river that when it reaches out of Eden it splits into four rivers that water the garden and reach to the ends of the Earth - Pishon(full flowing), Gihon(bursting forth), Hiddekel(swift or darting), and Euphrates(fruitful). The Tree of Life it is said to have a river on both sides.

Now I’m sure we have all noticed the some weird instances of time being messed with in the show - particularly in the streets of Soho. They are sped up, slowed down, and normal speed. Often these roads are also depicted as wet.

So let me throw in the idea of Timestreams

It’d probably be easier to go read that but basically it’s -

The concept that time is always flowing forward or backwards, and meeting in the middle - always on the move always connected - never quite knowing where you step in. Just like the flow of water.

And wouldn’t it be ironic that Crowley, our time stopping demon, and his car are now constantly in this stream of time darting around only to finally stop and slow down in the bookshop

So we can take the four streets of our little spot in Soho connect it to the four rivers and apply some time fuckery - you get a place that is full and bursting with life, people darting all around looking and buying things that make their life more fruitful. But time is a bit wibbly wobbly for the residents, always flowing and connected - past, present, and future - so we get characters that are parallel’s to the past, that may have existed in a different time or universe, and that repeat often.

So if the Bookshop is their version of Eden it would make these streets representative of the rest of the world - what with a street that lead to chinatown and have various French and Italian restaurants along another - this idea is not too far out there

But also if you take the Bookshop as a little more representative of the Tree of Life in particular with the two streets surrounding it - Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death can very easily be equated with the Tree of Knowledge. The whole of Whickber Street is their Eden.

This is what happens when you have an Angel and Demon with too much affect on the world around them living in one spot for hundreds of years

So to wrap this all up please remember this is just a theory and for fun - take it as you will

But if you have followed along this long and I’ve somehow managed to get you entertain this idea of the Bookshop being their slice of Eden - whether Eden itself or just a single part of Eden (Tree of Life) with the whole street being Eden - wait and see for the next part

After all the apple (coffee) did come from within the Garden and then they lost access to the Tree of Life (bookshop)

This was Part 1

In Part 1.5 it just a couple theories concerning the Book of Life and more, like an intermission

And finally Part 2 we discuss the second place the Tree of Life is mentioned, the Book of Revelations, and how we have already seen a version of the Second Coming

[sky-neverending]

Falling (doesn’t feel so bad when i know you’ve fallen this way too): Part 1

so i’ve decided i’m gonna start posting parts of my michie oneshot until i finish it and post the whole thing on ao3 so uhh here’s part one!!

They say the old Waylon place is haunted. And it is, in a way. For nothing ever truly dies there, the Waylon’s made sure of that.

But there’s someplace else in that tragedy-ridden town that holds the very same spells and incantations that the Waylon’s placed on their home, a building used as a backup in case anything ever went wrong.

Hatchetfield High.

So when Richie Lipschitz died in that school, on that fateful day, his spirit never really moved on. He stayed dormant in those halls for a week, and then two, and then almost three. Watching. Waiting. Holding out for Maxwell Jågerman to show his face at the sight where he took an innocent boy's life.

And it happened.

The doors to the gym cluttered upon, catching Richie’s attention. It was night, school was closed. Someone had broken in.

“Are you sure about this?” he heard a familiar voice say, squeaky and filled with worry. “Who knows what kind of door we’re gonna open.”

“We have too, Pete,” a girl responded, again her voice a familiar tone. “For Ruth, and Richie, and everyone…” His head perked up at his own name, and he walked toward them, feet light on the floor. “Grace, summon these bastards.”

He stepped through the door, looking into the darkness as Steph, Pete, and Grace knelt in the middle of the gym with a large black book in hand. They began chanting, and a chill ran through Richies undead spine as something in the air shifted.

“Stop!” He leapt forward, calling to them. “Stop, stop what you're doing!”

Everyone turned to look at him. “Richie?” Pete whispered, like he was afraid of what he was seeing. “Richie, how are you here? You- you're dead!”

“Max is dead too, and somehow he is haunting us, so who knows what the fuck is going on anymore?” Steph threw her hands in the air. “Sorry, Richie, for not being happy about your sudden appearance. But we are freaking the fuck out!”

Suddenly, Grace stood. She took the book she was holding with her, flipping through the pages as she talked. “This makes so much sense!”

“Sorry, what?” Steph walked toward her. “Care to clue the rest of us in?”

Grace rolled her eyes. “The Waylons, they put evil magic on their house, right? So it makes sense that they might have put the same spell on another place they founded.”

“Like the school!” Pete said, catching on. “That’s why Richie is here, he’s in the same situation as Max!”

“Then why isn’t he trying to kill us?” Steph asked, yanking the book from Grace’s hands. “Because, if you don’t remember, we currently have a very angry, very undead jock plotting our demise!”

“Shut the hell up!” Richie yelled, stalking toward her angrily. “Everyone, just shut up! I have no clue what the fuck you guys are talking about anymore, but I don’t like the look of that book. Give it to me.”

“No!” Steph said, turning away from him. “We need to do this!”

“For fucks sake, Steph, you aren’t the main character in a poorly written anime,” Richie grumbled, reaching for the book. His hand skated over his skin, and she screeched at the contact, dropping the leather bound pages on the floor.

Richie caught them mid-air, right as Steph stopped screaming. “Why can you touch me? Why are you so cold? What the FUCK is going on?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s just how ghosts work, Stephanie Lauter,” said Richie, pronouncing each syllable of her last name separately. “Now, I'm going to keep this book because I, frankly, am frightened of what you are going to do with it.”

[sophie-looks-at-stuff]

HotD Headcanons pt 2 :)

Hey everyone! Here is the sort of part 2 of my hotd headcanons list! I posted Aemond and Aegon separately because I just had too many ideas for them to put all into one thing. But this one will include some for Helaena, Alicent, Rhaenyra, and the rest of the boys! Hope y'all enjoy! :)

Alicent:

Definitely a cat person over a dog person. Was a little hesitant at first but after Helaena got her cat, she was all in. It’s her grand baby 

Her and Rhaenyra grew up together, Alicent had a small crush on her when they were younger. Although she never really acknowledged it as a crush, and thought of it more so as admiration. 

Prefers white wine over red, but loves a good rose. 

Stress cleans to the max!! Similar to Aemond and his smoking, it helps her think through things. When she’s got a lot on her mind you’ll find her reorganizing the bookshelf or the spice cabinet.

Definitely does wine nights with her girlfriends, her and Rhaenyra started it cause they needed to vent about their men 😭

Rhaenyra:

Was a barbie girl growing up

Can make a really good Sangria, idk but I get the vibe she can make a good one. She also prefers red wine over white. But will never say no to champagne

Makes Daemon get his own closet, cause she’s a fashion icon and needs room for all her outfits, shoes, etc… as she should though…

makes Daemon help her with some of her more difficult hairstyles

Daemon:

Every year for Rhaenyra’s birthday he tries to bake a lemon cake for her. He always waits until she goes to bed the night before, and he tries to bake it in the early hours of the morning. He’s not too successful though… He set the fire alarm off at 5am before waking the whole house up. And once he did salt instead of sugar. But he knows she loves lemon anything, so he figured he’d still give it a shot.

Literally such a simp for Rhaenyra and I'm here for it

drinks his coffee black, no sugar, no milk/cream

when Jace and Luke were little, he'd let them braid his hair to placate them

Jace:

A white claw man, and often says “ain’t no laws while drinking claws”. He also hopes that this will make him seem cool to Aegon. 

Would name the family dog some kind of pun, like Otto Von BisBark. (my high school history teacher named his dog that and I think it’s so good)

He’s got Lab dog energy. He’s a sweetie and just wants to impress people, and make his family proud. Even though he’s a little clumsy, or can be temperamental, he just wants what's best.

Luke is his best friend

Luke:

Still sleeps with a stuffed animal dragon Daemon and Rhaenyra got him as a baby 

Luke, Daemon and Jace make a powerpoint trying to convince Rhaenyra that they need to get a dog. Since Jace works at the animal shelter he gets to see all the newcomers! 

Besties with Jace, but he games a lot with Aegon, so somehow he’s a close second.

Helaena:

Has a pet cat, but something a little bizarre. She’d have a sphynx or maybe an shorthair, the ones with the big Dobby ears. 

At the grocery store, she gets the cans with dents in them, or the slightly bruised fruits because she feels bad that they'll get thrown out. 

Really wants to leash train her cat. I mean how cool would it be to walk around campus with your cat on a leash?!

still has those glow in the dark stars on her ceiling

[bewilderedbuck]

Devi vs. David: aka a comprehensive list of every single time ben gross has referred to devi as one or the other (season one edition)

okay, first things first, i am linking this post and this one, both by @catty-words, because they're so well-worded and honestly, probably explain a lot better than i can about the whole devi vs. david thing (even though those are about s2 and this one is about s1). seriously. go read those, then come back. this post is just going to be cataloging every instance in season one where ben calls her one or the other, with context + insight but i'm likely not going to be going super in-depth. i mainly wanted to document this for my own purposes. i will also be creating a separate post for season 2, so expect that sometime in the near future.

ANYWAYS. here we go, i guess.

"...was just about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.”

here we have the first instance of ben referring to her as david. they're still nemeses, obviously — this is in 1x01, they're not close, they know each other but still only really see the other in the negative sense. (or so we're told, at least; i have a whole theory about how ben has been crushing on devi the whole damn time but we'll get into that at a later date) he calls her david here because it's part of their banter, and we can infer that he has likely been calling her that prior to 1x01. this is also the same instance he refers to the un, which she calls him out for, as she should! but you know what she doesn't call him out for? david. from this very first instance we can infer that she does not give a shit that he calls her david.

"...because you went straight-up psycho and couldn't walk for three months.”

okay, so bear with me here, this might be reaching, as well as a few others down the line. but i think his tone is softer here than it tends to be when they banter pre-friendship. he knows he's hitting close to her trauma, to the cause of her paralyzation and reason for seeing a therapist. calling her david while referencing to her biggest trauma just would not be in good taste, imo.

"...I know how hard it is to memorize seven facts.” / "Yeah, Devi, please share your mumble with the rest of the class.”

ok, so they're in a classroom setting, and he has just, in his own words, "pwned" her as her "intellectual superior" (way to be humble, benjamin). he's got this hoity-toity air about him in this scene, calling her devi because it's more mature of him and as her "intellectual superior" he should appear that way. also, they're in a classroom setting and shapiro is paying attention to them (not that anyone else in the class is lol)

okay, so he doesn't refer to her as either devi or david after 1x02 until we get to 1x05. here, he's on the defensive, obviously. she is threatening to nuke him. literally. no time for banter or nicknames when your entire country is about to be wiped out, am i right?

he doesn't know why she's mad at him yet. he's trying to slip back into their banter, to worm his way back into that sliver of not-quite-nemeses-anymore-but-still-not-quite-friends that they had going on for all of two seconds in 1x05. he wants to go back to normal, or at least some version of normal, where she only hates him because of their academic rivalry and not whatever it is she’s holding against him now. (which of course he immediately learns is the whole sleeping-with-pax thing, but he still doesn't know why she's upset about that.)

this is obvious i feel like i don't have to explain that he calls her devi here because he's having dinner with her family lmao anyways moving on

"...I actually think I am going to have a party tonight.”

boy is crushing HARD. he is SO JEALOUS. speaking up immediately after pax makes the "you look great here" comment? having a party just so devi will come? ok, jay gatsby jr, i see you. ANYWAYS. imo he calls here david here to take back some of the control he just lost after pax showed up. because "david" belongs to ben and devi and nobody else.

the smile on her face in this scene when he greets her. the smile on his face when he sees her. they are in love, your honor. anyways. this is, imo, the first time we see david being used as a term of endearment. their friendship has been solidified after the events at the end of 1x06, and it shows. she is excited to see him and he is, very obviously, excited to see her.

"...Um, did something kinda weird happen? Or did I do something dumb at my party?”

aaand we are on the defensive again lol. david once again being used as a means to control the situation and deflect away from that horrifying failed kiss attempt back in 1x08.  dude is freeeaaaking the fuck out, because he knows now that he has this stupid big crush on devi (that he’s probably had the whole damn time, even prior to 1x01, if we’re being real here), but he just got her as his friend and doesn’t want to screw it up. so. blame it on the booze. throw in a friendly nickname. hope for the best.

obv i don't have like, concrete evidence for this because we only see the literal last day she stays with ben, but i have this theory that during her stay, he defaults to calling her david to keep his guard up. because again. he knows he has this stupid huge fucking crush on her. so, keeping up with the old nickname helps establish those boundaries in his head. (this is also the last time we see him refer to her as david in season one.)

but then there's this, immediately after he refers to her as david in front of his father. because he is worried about her. because she is making rash, dumb decisions without thinking anything through (you know, like trying to get emancipated from her mom and refusing to spread her dad’s ashes)

again, he is going for serious, worried as fuck, for the same reasons listed above. hoping that her friends will see reason for concern just like he does, because his friendship with her is so new and if she’s going to listen to anyone, it's going to be them. this is the first time we ever see ben refer to devi to other people without her being present, and this is also the last time we see him refer to her as devi in season one.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

More replies! Related to our KaliJami comic + our post from yesterday, and, as always, about some other stuff. There are also some spicier ones at the end of the post.

Anonymous asked:

I'm guessing the latest comic is before they became first years.

Yep! I don’t know if we got any info about how exactly it went in canon, but I’m guessing Kalim didn’t take the fact that they would be separated for the first time very well.

Ironically, I think he got over it right before he got transferred to the NRC lol And all that emotional growth (well, an attempt) went out the window.

Anonymous asked:

Jamil's side of KaliJami is basically that one post that's like 'my favorite trope is when a character realizes they're in love with another character and instead of being cute about it, they're just like "No, fuck, god why?!"'

Yeah, exactly! If Jamil really was to realise that he is in love with Kalim, it would probably be the worst news ever for him lol He’d probably be disappointed in himself too…

Anonymous asked:

Azul X Jamil is the definition of comedy, while Kalim X Jamil is the definition of tragedy. Yeah, I wonder if Azul and Kalim is jealous to one another?

That’s a nice way to look at it, Anon. And together they create an absolute insanity in Jamil’s mind lol

I don’t think Kalim would be jealous at first. He seems to be genuinely happy when Jamil gets along with someone. If anything, if he found out that Jamil slept with Azul, he would assume that Jamil is in love with him and that they are dating, and would try to support them. But I still feel like deep inside he would feel the sting of jealousy, similarly to how he felt it when Jamil was chosen instead of him as a lead vocalist in ch5. How far is he going to take this jealousy? Who knows. Maybe we’ll play around with this theme in the future.

Azul, on the other hand, is very jealous by nature, plus easily annoyed by naïve and gullible people. So while he isn’t antagonistic towards Kalim (he is an Asim after all, Azul has to stay friendly with him), he would still definitely feel jealous. His relationship with Jamil is supposed to be mutually beneficial and not romantic, but Azul has a crush, so of course he’s going to be petty about it lol Nothing of this will be shown to Kalim, he’s way to profitable for Azul to put his own feelings above his gain

Anonymous asked:

Has Ortho been jealous about anyone close to Vil? I knew you talked about Neige but what about Jack. They knew each other way longer than anyone. And what about Rook? Sure Ortho likes him...but we know who he is.

It’s always a bit weird with Ortho and honestly depends on a scenario you want to go with, because the whole jealousy spectrum is possible with this boy lol

I can easily see him coexisting with Rook and Jack and all those people, but I can also see him trying to act like everything is okay, but feeling extremely jealous and possessive. He isn’t used to sharing – his closes person (Idia) is entirely his own, and while he wants him to make friends, he knows that Idia isn’t going anywhere. But Vil is popular, and there are a lot of eyes on him, and a lot of people are close to him.

I don’t think he’ll have a rivalry with Rook – I actually feel like they would bond over their possessiveness in a weird way lol But I can also see Ortho getting teasing and clingy with Vil, just to assert his dominance and make everyone remember that even though there are other people close to Vil, he, Ortho, is the most special boy.

Anonymous asked:

Thoughts on malleus x cater 🤔 the size difference is surely something to consider

Replied here!

In general, every Malleus is great because of just how big he is… all the other characters are so small next to him~

Anonymous asked:

i'm the exceptions anon, and thank you for answering, that makes a lot of sense!

Of course! <3 I’m glad I managed to clarify what I meant.

Anonymous asked:

I’m not sure if you’ve answered something like this before, but what are your thoughts on mobs with characters? The beach scene in book 5 has a lot of…potential…with Deuce and Epel

Anon wait

Anon let me grab the loudest mic in the universe

YES.

We absolutely love anything with mobs, doujins and scenarios with mobs in general are one of our absolute favourites LOL I can’t even stress just HOW MUCH WE LOVE IT.

And YES THE BEACH SCENE IN BOOK 5!!! Of course Deuce and Epel managed to not only escape but also fight the guys, but the potential… the potential is too sweet not to think about how else the scene could’ve ended. Deuce and Epel are also kind of perfect for this type of thing, both of them are so cute and pretty, and oh how horrible it would be for them to get outnumbered and mistreated for being so cute. Especially Epel, who basically seduced them with his cuteness in the actual scene anyway lol

In general, twst has a surprising amount of scenes that could lead to steamy mob/character sex, but I guess this is what happens when 85% of the student body consists of spooky douchebags with no eyes.

I gotta draw something with mobs one day…

Anonymous asked:

Flojami when Floyd fucks Jamil brutally and pulls his hair real hard that's when Jamil realized he's a bit of a masochist (<- would never admit it)

See, this is why Jamil doesn’t like being around the octa-boys: they make him learn a lot of things about himself LOL but never to this degree, this is purely Floyd’s merit.

But yeah, Floyd is probably the most perfect sexual partner to unlock Jamil’s inner masochist: he’s mean, he’s chaotic and he doesn’t give a shit. Jamil would tell him to never do this type of stuff without permission (or AT ALL!!), but they both know that the fact that Jami didn’t expect it made it much more pleasurable to him.

Anonymous asked:

I finally got around to reading your dad hcs, and because I am obsessed with diasomnia forever and ever, I cannot stop thinking about Silver as a dad.... Would he have sex with his own kid(s) if he thinks it's just as normal as any other parent-child activities or training? He's such a good man, and if he followed his instincts more, he would be the perfect dad, but if he's trying to immitate his beloved father's parenting.... 😔

Sdfsdf ANOOOON!!! 😭 The Vanrouge methods of alternative fae parenting survives another generation. This is so beautifully cursed.

Well to be completely fair, I doubt Silver would do it, because, just like you’ve said, he has his good man instincts, and they usually lead to him making right decisions. He also has some common sense (despite Lilia’s hard work…), which we’ve seen in that vignette in which Sebek and he tried to take care of a baby bat.

At the same time, Silver definitely doesn’t think that him having sex with Lilia was a bad thing, SO LOL I guess the only reason he wouldn’t do it to his own kids would be because he wouldn’t want to.

But at the same time!!

Would Silver think at any point think that it’s his responsibility to teach the young ones how to fuck someone properly, i.e. lend his butt to them for educational purposes? He would. And he would be so proud of their achievements…

Raising an army of future little Lilia Vanrouges, one tiny top at a time.

[lilysniche]

Alright nerds I'm back with more ROTTMNT content and this time we're talking about turtles being left alone

Spoilers ahead for seasons 1 & 2 and the movie

On yet another Monday evening I was thinking about the season 1 episode 'Man vs. Sewer' (which they really should have been called Turtle vs. Sewer c'mon now) and Raph's reaction to being left alone.

So naturally my mind wandered down the path of how the other three turtles would react to being left all alone. So I am here to present my headcanony thoughts similar to my other post about the turtles rankings of fav brother which I'll link here.

This post is going to be very long. I apologize now.

Now in the episode 'Man vs. Sewer' (btw I understand this is supposed to be a play on how every story is one of four or something story types, e.g. Man vs. Man, Man vs. Nature etc.) I'm rambling again!

In 'Man vs. Sewer' the other turtles make it seem like Raph is the only one who has a reaction to being left alone, and while I'm sure Raph is the only one with such a... dramatic reaction we'll say. I feel that the other three would likely still have a reaction to being left alone given the fact that all four of these turtles have been raised in an EXTREMTLY close knit family. I mean prior to meeting April their only friends were each other and were likely the only other living beings they saw. After all in the episode 'Hot Soup: The Game' it's said that Raph was 13 when he got to go on his first solo topside mission. Now while it is possible the boys went topside prior to this as a group it wouldn't surprise me if this was the first time any of them were allowed to leave the sewers given their likely overall lack of um... stealth at such a young age since they barely have stealth as teenagers lol.

I'm getting off track though! My point is that because this family is practically always together I find it hard to believe that if any of them were left alone they'd be perfectly fine and so I will now present my headcanons/ hypothesis' about each turtles reaction to being alone.

Now Raph has already been cannonically shown in his reaction to being alone. He goes savage caveman brain, thinks everything is a threat and believes he'll die alone.

Next up we'll look at:

Leo

Now I know you could point to the movie for examples of Leo being alone but that is such an extreme situation in comparison to Raph getting lost in a sewer for like an hour or so that I don't feel the movie is a great comparison for "being left alone" so for this post when I'm talking about "being alone" I don't mean the others are dead, or kidnapped or anything really angsty. Think more lost in the sewers, or some of the family went to visit Todd for the weekend and one stayed at the lair alone and realized that was a mistake because separation anxiety and codependency lmao.

Now Leo is arguably also left alone in the episode 'Portal Jacked' (portal jacked is such a good episode for Leo character analysis I'm telling you) Now I know what you're thinking "Lily he literally is with Senor Hueso practically the entire episode" and you're right. Leo is technically only alone for maybe ten seconds between him exiting his portal outside Run of the Mill Pizza and entering the restaurant to find Senor Hueso but he's left without any of his family with him almost the entire episode and it leads to a lot of discussion about them and him being without them so I feel it will help support my argument.

Anyway!

In 'Portal Jacked' Leo whilst still being himself starts to show some of his insecurity in the episode. He admits to "being nothing" without his brothers and continuously brings up how he's better with his brothers. I feel based on these comments and this episode as a whole that if Leo were left alone for likely a longer period of time than Raph (let's say a day or two at the minimum for an effect to really set in) he'd likely let his insecurities get the best of him. As without his brothers as an audience to entertain, taunt, and distract himself from his own insecurities he's left with only himself to be his hype man and back up.

If you don't agree that Leo has insecurities I'll point you in the direction of the episode 'Minotaur Maze' and Leo's reoccurring need to prove himself to others and have them see him as important.

This insecurity is also what plays into Leo's behavior as leader in the film as he clearly doesn't view himself as worthy/ready for the title of "leader" at the start of the film.

Using these points I feel that without his brothers to back him up and perhaps cover for areas Leo lacks in he'd quickly spiral and become very unsure of himself and his actions. As Leo (prior to the movie especially) comes across as someone who does not want to take credit for something until it has already happened and succeeded. (e.g the episode 'One Man's Junk' where Leo literally waits to pick a side on the mystic meatal shop idea until after it fails and sides with Raph) Leo needs to be able to shift blame and "hide in the crowd" if you will in order to not feel like he's failing during a mission (which most the time he's actually succeeding just maybe not how he envisions himself doing so). So if he were to be left all alone with only himself to blame if a mistake was made I feel he'd become very unsure of himself and perhaps rather nervous his portals perhaps become more unreliable than normal (if we are setting this post season 2 finale then it would probably more like him earlier in the show where his portals don't always work. If we're pre-season 2 finale where his portals barely work on a good day then he'd likely cease making useful portals all together lol) and is continuously cracking jokes to whoever is around to listen (even if it's just himself) because to quote Leo: "That's how I cope!"

Final analysis of Leo alone: Very insecure, Nervous, desperately trying to find someone to hang around so he can throw his one liners to try to cope, and anxious to have his brothers back to back up him and his crazy ideas.

Whew! That was a very long research paper I just gave you and that's only the first one!

Again I am so sorry for the length of this post lmao I enjoy doing character analysis too much I'm so sorry.

Moving on to my favorite turtle we have:

Donnie

While it seems that Donnie enjoys being alone I find that because of this close knit family upbringing he'd still be affected by being alone. After all there's a difference between:

alone and lonely and

choosing to be alone and being left alone.

Donnie has plenty of hobbies that prompt him to be alone e.g. he has a video game addiction; or want to be alone e.g. He's the family genius/inventor whose in his lab for extended periods of time to try an accomplish something and anyone disturbing him is an unwelcomed distraction.

An example of this is the episode 'Mind Meld' when Donnie-fied Leo, Raph and Mikey try to get rid of Donnie when he asks them to come eat pizza with him. To quote Donnie "Hey wait! You're trying to get rid of me! That's what I do but... but to you!"

'Mind Meld' is a great episode for Donnie character analysis since there are basically 4 of him in this episode and we get to see how Donnie's character isn't just the smart inventor guy but also a normal teenager who likes to do normal teen things

While Donnie likes being alone and working in his lab, when he wants to see people he wants to see them and not be alone. This is shown in an earlier scene in 'Mind Meld' when Donnie excitedly asks if his brothers are ready for their game of skateboard ball. His Donnie-fied brothers give a very Donnie response and shrug him off saying they have better things to do and Donnie is left really disappointed. Leo, Raph and Mikey are acting like Donnie when he's in "genius tech guy mode" rather than "I'm ready to have fun with my brothers mode" like actual Donnie is in this scene.

Honestly the whole episode is a great example of how Donnie is a well rounded character and how he'd be very different if he only had one facet to his personality. With Leo, Raph, and Mikey all Donnie-fied but seemingly only to possess Donnie's intellect you see that Donnie is more than his brain and has other sides to his personality. That was a side tangent sorry! I really love the writing of this show! Back to my actual point!!

When Donnie wants to work on something people are a nuisance but when he wants to have fun then people better be around or Donnie will be sad.

Now that I have prefaced the circumstances, I will dive into my headcanon/hypothesis about how Donnie would react to being alone.

Now Donnie's reaction is entirely hinged on what mode he is currently in. If he is in work mode it would probably go something like this:

Like I have just stated Donnie is in his lab a lot working on various projects, be it improving his battleshells, working on his drill, working on the Turtletank etc. And based on Donnie's character he seems the type to hyper-focus on his work and not realize how much time has passed *cough* me on any passion project *cough* With this being said I feel that Donnie probably wouldn't notice he's been left alone at first lol. He'd probably hyper-focus for an entire day, forget to eat, maybe remember to go to sleep in a bed or just pass out in his lab, wake up and repeat the process until he finished his project or remembered to take a break. This would likely cause a decline in Donnie's overall well being and is why I think Donnie shouldn't be left unsupervised for extended periods of time lmao. So his family would likely have to be gone at least a week for Donnie to notice if I'm being honest. But that is only if Donnie were in work mode!

If Donnie was left alone in the lair and he was in social mode, I feel that he'd likely be pretty bummed that no one was around to bug him. Between Leo razzing him, Mikey always coming around to cuddle/get affection from each of them and just Raph's overall presence and dumb ideas like trying to shove something up his nose. Donnie would likely feel like he's actually alone. Like entirely alone. There's no hum of energy from his brothers, no slight annoyance just silence and emptiness. And he might relish it for a moment but after a few minutes of uninterrupted silence he'd realize that he can't take it and needs the energy to fill the space again. And knowing Donnie (and depending on how long the fam was gone for) he'd try to substitute it with tech. Causing a new start of work mode that was trying to fix the lack of socializing he craves.

Final analysis of Donnie alone: He doesn't immediately notice that he's alone but once he's made aware of the growing silence and actual solitude with no disruption it starts to get to him and makes him anxious for some social stimulation from others specifically from his family because turtle fam is best fam

Alright! We have made it through two turtle boys and only have one left! you know him you love him! He's the sunshine baby iiiiiiiiiiiittttttt'sssssss:

🅼🅸🅺🅴🆈

Now Mikey is a lil bit more difficult for me to figure out how he'd react to being alone and this is mainly because I find it hard to imagine a normal situation that would cause him to be left alone. If we went with my everyone went away for the weekend idea I said at the start I find it highly unlikely they'd let Mikey of all people stay home alone. Simply because he's the baby and they don't like to leave him without supervision/back up (I mean just look at the episode 'Hot Soup: The Game' they literally watch him on security cameras like new parents watching a baby monitor) Like hell he's being intentionally left to his own devices for a whole weekend.

Which makes me think Mikey being alone would have to be accidental like Raph's in 'Man vs. Sewer' be it he got lost in the sewers, or like a proper younger sibling wandered off without paying attention and lost the group in: the Hidden City, Big Mama's building, the Sewers, New York City itself or whatever setting the boys are currently in.

Mikey likely wouldn't be alone for long since you know Raph will be on a rampage to find his baby brother, unless Mikey got hella lost and Donnie couldn't just track him lol.

So for this hypothetical scenario we'll say Mikey wanders off and Raph notices after several minutes and in classic turtles fashion hijinks ensues. Since this alone time will likely be brief and accidental I imagine Mikey's reaction (since he's played as the very emotional one -in a good way- and also for a little bit of comedic purposes) to be similar to a toddler who get's lost in a store.

Everything's fine before he realizes he's lost then he looks around doesn't recognize where he is or see his brothers he starts to freak out a bit and maybe get a bit teary eyed thinking he's been abandoned when really it's his own fault for getting lost. Y'know just normal baby sibling who's constantly supervised things ✌️

It's a lot of meekly wandering around calling out his brother's names hoping they'll magically appear before him and getting scared by anyone who approaches him, because even though he could definitely kill you since Mikey can throw a whole ass cargo ship around, now that he's scared he can't even lift his weapon high enough to seem like a threat.

This line of reasoning is mainly coming from the episode 'The Gumbus' where when frightened Mikey would rather hide and escape even if he has more than enough skill to defend himself from a normal threat lol.

Final analysis of Mikey alone: He's a frightened baby ready for his big brothers to come charging in to take him home and shower him with affection because while Mikey acts like he's big man on campus he is still bebe

And with that I conclude my long monologue about these turtle boys for another night! I will likely return with another thought soon as Rise has taken up every space square inch of my brain lately lol! Anyways as always these are just my opinions you are free to disagree with me this has just been rattling around in my brain for the past week and I had to share! I love all of these characters and I think Rise did a great job at revitalizing them to a new generation. With that I bid you all farewell! Until next post!

~ Lily's Niche

[theoneandonlyduskstrike]

Ramblings Reuploaded #2

My Trans story so far (2024)

Hoi there, and happy trans day of visibility. I can't possibly be more vissible then this right? I had to share my story with someone a few months back when i came out to them, and ever since then i had the idea of making it my next post in this inconsistent and confusing series.

I say series because this is part two. Here's part 1 on...sonic cd. yup.

So the format is simple. I take something i already typed and try to make it more legible for a blog type racket. No reason not to get right into it. Beware of typos, and transphobes begone!

I'm a kid in a barber shop. My grandpa is talking up a storm to some random clerk. I'm extremely bored. There are some toys though. Poly pocket. I never seen these before. These are so cool. I wish i had one of these but they don't make boy versions right?

Some time in 2022, I was at work dealing with closing cleaning type things which let my mind wander. I started thinking about a fairly innocuous interaction I had in FFXIV no earlier then 2021. The race I wanted to play was gender locked so I was playing as a female character. Two players starting joking around with me and the whole time they used fem pronouns for me. I didn't think too much about it back then but on that day in late 2022 it made me question why I was so ok with that use of language towards me

That was the day my egg cracked.

I spent the rest of 2022 trying desperately to figure out what my relationship to gender was. Just what the heck was I and did that even mean anything? Maybe I was gender fluid. It was hard to feel fem at work. Or oh! Maybe i'm just a drag queen in the making. But why did I not want that to be true and did that mean anything? Well clearly i wasn't actually trans right? Nevermind that gender fluid was trans. I thought maybe that I only felt that way because I was playing a character. So I made up my mind. In 2023, at the start of a new year I would begin to experiment.

It's around the era of the nintendo wii and something is bothering me feircly. I spent days on my gamecube on my tiny crt and realized I was picking princess peach a lot on my precious 'cube. I confide in my friend that I really must have a crush on her. When pressed I can't say why. I'm so glad he doesn't embarss me for my stupid feelings. It was a little weird I didn't like her as much in that one game though. Not my fault she just looked better in a dress.

I stopped cutting my hair and started trimming my beard and prized mustache so I was always smooth and baby faced. Anyone who asked I simply told them that it was a new year and a new me. Except for my friends who were the first to know.

My imposter syndrome was HIGH. And it remaind so for a long time. so afraid was I that I was actually, secretly, a fake trans. I had no evidence for this except piss poor self confidence. I only talked myself out of it much later with the idea that "Being trans and just really thinking you're trans is functionally the same so it doesn't mater if i'm 'fake' "

Unfortunately, my friend group wasn't doing a lot of online gaming at the time. I got a little desperate to see if my new pronouns fit. To my shame I basically asked one of them to contrive reasons to put pronouns into a sentence so they had reasons to use my new ones. They did not oblige.

Another pokemon game for my precious nintendo 3ds. I pick the girl because clearly they'll have better fashion options. I had just learned my lesson from Pokemon Y. No other reason. A few other simular things. I pick up megaman zx for the first time and choose the girl because, obviously, only female megaman.

I got a break when I was invited to a short lived DND group. I started hanging out with a separate friend group I was already beginning to know before gender stuff started. With ample chances to try my gender out I realized that something felt right.

So I went deeper. I remember wandering around a good will trying not to draw ire or eyes as I went and both tried on a dress and managed to bring it home. The few times I wore it felt great. Would feel much better if it actually fit.

It's my childhood again and i'm sat in front of the ps1 with my little brother. Namco museum only had one true co-op game. Toy Pop. I pick the girl so he won't have to.

In days to come I kept experimenting. I started to realize all the small signs. You already know many of them. I've peppered them througout my story. Unbeknownst to me I had already started to experiment with gender. Awhile ago I, once again trying not to get attention, bought some thigh highs from a party store. I really enjoyed wearing those. Everyone except for me knew I was trans before me, including me.

When I was dead certain on my path I set up an appointment with planned parenthood. I told my grandparents I was simply heading to Dave and busters which was technically not untrue. I began my medical transition but I was also urged to come out to people. I couldn't live in the closet forever. So I did so with my very obviously gay manager… And it went nothing like I expected. It went well, but not how I thought. I ended up coming out to the whole work force as well.

The right wing had tricked me into thinking any "regular" person would react with shock and confusion on a reveal of my new gender identity. All the media I consumed had colaborated this.

I'm just entering furry twitter when I see quite a few posts of male characters in dresses, usuasly of the maid variety. How cute, i think. I'm allowed to do this one because it's a shared joke. So i draw the one dress.

And then a few more.

"I wish I could look as good as my characters do right now"

Eventually I managed to come out to my grandparents. They were confused but attempting to be accepting. Things have mostly been rocky in the sense that they haven't made any effort to treat me the way I ask, but they don't deny me. The parents who raised me are forbidden to know their daughter.

I even came out to my astranged mother. (seperate from my step mother mention a second ago). When I was in highschool she moved back in town and we started to rekindled our relationship. Being the first to know I was ace, it was a shock when she became a born again christian. I thought she'd never accept me and I was almost right. Behind closed doors she tells my younger sister to not refer to me by my pronouns, or so i'm told.

After I was out for awhile something weird happened and I stopped.. Policing my own behavior. How I held myself. The words I used. I was my own women. I didn't need to fit into a box. The more I went on the more free I felt!

I started holding my hands in gay little ways. I crossed my legs. I walked however the hell I wanted. I used 'hon' whenever i felt like it. I wore this cute little collar I owned out to my weekly dnd meetings. Who cares. I'm me now. This cat can't be boxed.

The longer I've been on this journey the more I felt right. And here we are now. A two year or more journey still ongoing

It's 2023 and i'm attempting to put on eyeliner for the first time. It goes horribly. I laugh, inform my friends of my mistake, and we play games through the night. I wear my favorite of the two dresses. I ask them if it's ok to do so. They laugh. What and absurd thing to ask. Why would a woman not be allowed to wear a dress?

I would like to thank a huge number of people for their help in my journey but my brain is mush so i'll try to get as many as I can

@tuttifruttifox my ex who's been supportive of my journey and put up with my experimentation @biddyfox girl you are my sister and I couldn't have done this without you. Thank you so much for everything. @bigbadkingboomboo for casually replying to my nervous bullshit with "ma'am this is mcdonalds" which was simultaneously very funny and very affirming.

@cynical-cy for being you. Honestly just being a out trans woman who's art I happened to enjoy did wonders I think. Sorry to tag you. I know we're not really friends.

@patricia-taxxon that one fucking video you made on just being a furry and doing your own thing litterally changed me. You made me stop hidding who and what i am.

Honorable mentions to my friend xio. he doesn't do tumblr, but He's been my best friend through everything and his support is invaluable to me. I love you buddy.

if you think you should be on this list too, let me know and i'll add you cause honestly it takes a village to raise a catgirl.

[yakuzacanons]

I gotta be honest, I haven't played Ishin yet but I've seen some things about it and I'm absolutely in LOVE with the whole concept.

So! Since most of the asks are about the modern day characters, would you be willing to make some general dating headcanons for the Ishin babes? <3

OMG HI yes sorry this took so long, I am finally back in town so posting is resuming as normal. If you get a chance to play Ishin, I would recommend it! I had a lot of fun. I'll be covering my typical boys for this one but if there are other Ishin characters you'd like to see, just shoot me another ask. Anyways, thanks again for your patience and headcanons are below da cut!

MINOR SPOILERS, mostly for alternate names used in Ishin. I'll note which character is which so those who haven't played Ishin can still read this.

Sakamoto Ryoma (Kazuma Kiryu)

Ryoma grew up extremely poor so don't expect particularly lavish dates. It's also very typical of him to value quality time with you over anything else. His dating go-to is getting something to eat with you. He relishes enjoying a good meal with someone he cares about.

The most protective boy. Would shield you from any and everything and is extremely stoic. Not much of a conversationalist but a great listener. Wants nothing more than to be able to provide for a spouse and have his own family someday.

If the relationship is particularly serious, he would eventually ask you to move into his house with Haruka. Should you accept, you'd end up living a very comfortable life. Ryoma would have you taste test everything he makes.

Okada Izo (Nishikiyama Akira)

His menacing demeanor means he doesn't have a lot of close friends, let alone lovers, so it actually softens him a lot to have a romantic partner. He's much more chivalrous in your presence and tries to avoid engaging in any type of business-related if he knows he's going to spend time with you. Very much a home-life and work-life are separated type of man.

Surprisingly fashion conscious despite the era. Would love to pick out some matching yukatas for the two of you or gift you a luxurious kimono.

Okada can be a little clingy, almost obsessive. He doesn't have a whole lot and lives pretty plainly, with the exception of his clothes, so he places a lot of value on your relationship. Tries to hide his clinginess but is very bad at masking it.

Niibori Matsusuke (Akiyama Shun)

It takes a while to get to know him but he's actually a warm and generous person. He tends to be extremely secretive so if you're in a romantic relationship with him, he must trust you a LOT.

Spends most of his time at work or at home, so he doesn't go out for dates much. Most likely to take you out for drinks than anything. It's not that he's lazy necessarily, he's just usually too exhausted to do much else. Would rather you just come over and hang out, although many others consider that a little taboo for the time period.

Expect some pushback from Ikumatsu, as she's known Niibori for a long time and has her own personal feelings and attachments to the man. You may find it difficult to actively pursue a relationship with Niibori because of how busy he is and because of Ikumatsu. However, if you're as go-with-the-flow as Niibori is, things will work out just fine.

Saigo Kichinosuke (Ryuji Goda)

As a military commander, he holds a lot of power and is not afraid to show it. He's the most likely to lavish you with gifts or expensive meals. Loves dogs, so hopefully you do too as he does own one.

One of the most appealing things to him when looking for a romantic partner is someone who is not intimidated by his appearance or interested solely in his power or wealth. He's actually very down to earth on the inside and quite smart, so don't try to fool him.

Would take care of your every need and whim. He tries to keep you isolated from all his work as he doesn't want the bustle of it to put any strain on you. However, he's pretty liberal for his time and wouldn't tell you no if you expressed interest in helping or participating in his business.

Hijikata Toshizo (Mine Yoshitaka)

As the second highest ranking member of the Shinsengumi, he is a VERY busy man. He is calculating and objective, rarely showing emotion, so most people won't believe he is even capable of romance. However, in total privacy with you, he's actually extremely caring and doting.

Type of guy to give you a kiss and leave out some tea for you before he goes out to take care of business. Comes home very late at night and just wants to rest his head in your lap while listening to you talk about your day as he falls asleep.

Shockingly domestic and likes to keep a clean household. Good at decorating and will ask for your opinions on things, like what wood looks best for a new desk or what color fabric looks best for a new pillow, things like that.

Nagakura Shinpachi (Saejima Taiga)

Easily the most approachable of all the boys. He's always virtuous, kind, and fair and that carries over into his relationships. Will always look out for you, make sure you're doing well, and the like. Despite being quite busy working with the Shinsengumi, he will go out of his way to try to see you once a day, even if only briefly.

Loves things like festivals and holidays and will always ask you rather shyly if you'd like to go to a festival with him. Even if you have been in a long term relationship with him, he likes the formality of asking you on a date.

Gets super excited to go on walks with you, as he finds it relaxing and he loves the way the town looks at sunset, with the lanterns slowly coming to light. The type of guy to walk around with his arm gently around your shoulder or to carry and umbrella over you when it rains.

Okita Soji (Majima Goro)

As the wild card of the Shinsengumi, he's really not predictable when it comes to love. He can be very closed off at first, although really he craves affection more than anyone. He's very nontraditional in general, which can actually be of great benefit if you're a spontaneous person. Loves to surprise you with dates and gifts and is known to pop by your place just to say hi briefly while he's out on his patrols.

Would totally sneak you into the barracks on nights when he's busy so he can cuddle with or get frisky with you. He doesn't care if people find out or start rumors, as he would always value his romantic life over his work life.

Likes to go singing or dancing on his days off and will totally invite you. If that's not your thing though, he'd like to just sit on one of the docks or bridges and share some food with you, all while swinging his legs back in forth over the water.

Tokugawa Yoshinobu (Daigo Dojima)

As the last shogun, he's very stressed and preoccupied with work. His family has likely tried at some point to arrange romantic relationships with him so choosing a romantic partner is actually very important to him as it's one of the few choices he's made in his life solely for himself and not for the country. If he's picked you as a romantic partner, you are very special to him indeed.

Very courageous and would defend you with his life. Whether it's an actual physical threat or just some gossip from politicians about him choosing you, he will always put you on a pedestal. The only thing he values more than his country is you.

What he needs most is a person to support him. You don't have to politically skilled, he just needs someone in his corner. He's good at standing strong on his own but behind closed doors he's quite drained from his job so be sure to give him a good hug or wash his back for him every now and then.

[masterwords]

the shape you take

Summary: Hotch is sad. Jack is just about to turn 18, Hank is spending the summer with his mom and he's dwelling on the empty nest. Morgan has just the ticket: sea, sand, food and naps. Fun in the sun and the sack. While exploring a nude beach one night they find a little more than they bargained for. (Part of The Chicago Times series)

Pairing: Hotch/Morgan

Words: 8.8k

Warnings: sex (not explicit details, just "hey they're having sex" type thing), food & alcohol, mentions of Foyet’s knife, scars (both of them), murder/corpse/blood, an inappropriate boner situation...

Read on AO3: the shape you take

Notes: This is my first entry for @imagining-in-the-margins CM Summer Sunshine Fic Challenge. I used one of the NSFW prompts but this is basically PG-13 because I don’t really write smut, just some sexy vibes. The prompts I chose were: Character A finally convinces B to go to the beach with them. Turns out it's a nude beach mixed with The sun makes Characters sleepy, so they take a nap. (They take a lot of naps. They're old.) There are a couple more from the list that I hope to write for before the challenge is finished, but we’ll see where the summer takes me! The end here is purposely left open for a special surprise...another collab with @domestikhighway58! Because writing with hwy58 is a dream and I want to do it all the time. To be unveiled soon-ish. (How's that for noncommittal?) (I'm posting the whole thing here, I haven't done that in a while...do you want me to go back to that or keep just linking AO3?)

**

Win by persuasion, not by force.

All spring Derek had been dropping hints. Little ones at first. He would add feta cheese to salad one night at dinner, or watch Hercules with Hank when he knew Aaron was going to be coming home from work or a run. Nothing big, but he knew Aaron would pick up on it eventually.

As they approached summer, the tactics became a little less subtle. There was a brochure stuck to the freezer, and a bottle of Greek red wine opened after dinner on Derek’s last day of work for the summer. Aaron had been done a week earlier. They waited to celebrate until everyone was finished and on summer break.

“Are you trying to tell me something?” Aaron asks, pouring the wine and watching the boys set the table. Hank likes to fold the napkins while Jack sets out the silverware. Too many years separate them and yet Jack has been drawn closer to him in the last few months as he realizes how close he is to moving out, not seeing his little brother every day. He’d waited years to have one and it feels like it’s over way too soon. He wants to go to college in New York, but Hank makes him want to stay in Chicago instead. The thought of not being here, of missing big milestones, is crushing. Some small part of him thinks he knows how his dad must have felt missing his milestones for work – first words, first steps, first day of school, first everything. He’s going to move to New York and he’s going to miss all sorts of big moments.

“I’m not trying to tell you anything,” Derek replies, scooting between the counter and Aaron, pressing in so close they barely have room to breathe. “I am telling you something.”

“When?” Aaron asks, because he knows better than to ask stupid questions. If Derek has the brochure and he’s laying it on this thick, he’s already booked the trip. And that’s okay, because Aaron spent too many years in complete control of everything and watching it all fall spectacularly to pieces...he’s shockingly willing to go with the flow these days.

At least to some degree.

“Jack leaves for New York on the 19th, Savannah’s picking Hank up on the 22nd, and my mom and sisters leave on the 25th. So, we’re leaving on the 25th. We’ll drive them to the airport and then hop on a plane ourselves.”

“When do we come back?”

“I booked the hotel for two weeks but...let’s just play it by ear huh?”

Play it by ear. That phrase would have struck fear into Aaron’s heart a few years ago. Sometimes he still feels like he’s going to make plans and then get a phone call that pulls him back to the BAU. It’s a hard habit to break even after all of these years.

“Two weeks in Greece. Where?”

“We’ll fly to Athens, spend a few days there, and then take the ferry over to Milos. I booked us an ATV rental so we can go wherever we want. We can do some day trips to other islands, go hang out on Crete and do all your nerdy shit...plus beaches, food, hiking, nightlife. Our room on Milos has its own private saltwater pool.”

“Private?” Aaron likes the sound of private. He’s not very interested in all that nightlife type stuff but a private pool? That he can get behind. Of course, if Derek asked him to dance he could hardly turn him down.

“I’ll show you pictures after dinner.”

Jack’s going to be 18 in a few months. This is his last summer of high school. He’s decided to skip sports and summer camps in lieu of spending two months living with Sean who has done good things with his life in his time since being released from jail. Sean who has earned, in Aaron’s eyes, his shot at redemption. What Aaron learned as a young teenager being packed off to boarding school, Sean had to learn through just over three years in a small cell, stripped of his liberties. Better late than never. Jack is old enough now to handle himself anyway, he’s more than proven his own responsibility in their years living in Chicago. He drives all over the city, he doesn’t break curfew, he’s really a little too good. It scares Aaron sometimes that he’s not out there causing trouble. Giving them hell. Just another way he thinks he’s broken his son.

He knows that isn’t the case though. Since Jack turned twelve, he’s had Derek and Fran and Sarah and Desiree and Savannah. He’s always had Jessica and Roy, he never doubted his mother’s love for an instant. His support system is full of incredible strength. Aaron knows that even if he’s failed, none of them have. But this trip to Greece, he can tell it’s Derek’s way of trying to pull him out of this spiral he’s sauntering into. This deep well of sadness at his son growing up and moving out, this empty feeling that he’s losing the last part of Haley that was never his to keep in the first place.

“What are you hiding?” Jack asks over dinner. He can tell they’re sitting on something. They’re terrible at keeping secrets.

“Not hiding anything,” Derek says, handing Hank his plate full of cut up steak and salad. “I just told your dad where I’m taking him for summer vacation.”

Jack rolls his eyes and huffs, visibly relieved. “Finally. I thought you’d have to take him all the way to the airport for him to get it.”

“I had a lot going on,” Aaron says a little defensively. It isn’t like he didn’t see Derek’s hints, but his mind was simply not present enough to try and guess why Derek was going crazy for Greece. “Final exams, your trip to New York…”

“Dad.”

Aaron throws his hands up in exasperation and smiles. “Take it easy on your old man. This is a hard time.”

Jack stops at that, he knows the idea of him moving out is killing his dad slowly. They’ve been on their own together for so long now he’s a little scared himself. “Well, you guys have to send tons of pictures.”

“Of course.”

Aaron cries when he hugs Jack goodbye at the airport. He manages to wait until Jack is far enough away that he doesn’t see it, but Jack knows it’s happening, he knows his dad cries easily so he doesn’t turn around. He saves him the trouble of trying to hide it. And he calls the minute his plane lands at JFK to let his dad know he’s safe and just as planned (and on time), Sean is waiting for him.

Savannah shows up a day early unannounced, her flight was changed due to weather. She sleeps in Jack’s room and spends a little more time in the city with family than expected. It’s a nice surprise for them all, and keeps Aaron from feeling too gutted at Jack’s absence. Having a full house means he’s making coffee and planning meals and making sure everyone is taken care of, it hardly leaves him any time at all to worry about whether Jack is getting into trouble in New York. (He’s not. Nothing too bad anyway. Sean might have encouraged him to live a little...but they’ll keep that to themselves. Sean is reformed, he’s no angel.)

When Savannah takes Hank, and it’s just the two of them for a few days, they spend their time preparing their house to sit empty for weeks. They have people lined up to come check on things, get the mail, mind the yards but for the most part it’ll just sit. They pack their bags and eat off of paper plates in the days leading up to their trip. They empty their cupboards and refrigerator. It feels like working in the BAU, never being able to keep anything perishable on hand just in case. Aaron always joked that it was incredible that none of them ended up with scurvy.

At the airport, they walk Derek’s mom and sisters to their gate. Off to Hawaii, a vacation paid for by he and Aaron. A sort of thank you for taking care of them, for helping with Hank, for everything. “All inclusive means all inclusive, mom,” Derek says as he wraps her in a hug. “You put on the little bracelet and you don’t pay for a damn thing. You want a piña colada? You get one. You want a meal? You get one. Don’t skimp okay?”

“Oh, believe me...I won’t be…” Desiree says with a smirk and Sarah agrees.

“Gonna make sure I drink every drop you paid for.”

“Girls!”

Fran still can’t believe she’s going to Hawaii. She’s never been on a plane that’s gone farther than Virginia. She’s never been west. She’s anxious to fly over the ocean, but more than that, she just can’t believe her son is in a place now that he’s married and buying tropical vacations for her and his sisters like it’s nothing. If you asked her where she saw her life going when her husband died and she was thrust into being a single mother struggling to survive on the south side of Chicago, this wouldn’t have ever occurred to her.

“Be safe on your trip,” she says as she hugs Aaron around the neck. “Don’t let him do anything dangerous. I don’t want any pictures of him jumping off of cliffs or swimming in the open ocean.”

“I don’t want any of that either,” Aaron says, knowing with absolute certainty that if Derek wants to do either of those things he won’t be able to stop him. He’d like to say that he wouldn’t be doing those things, but if Derek grabbed him by the hand and asked him to jump off of a cliff into the crystal blue water, or climb down off of a boat and swim in the open sea...he isn’t sure he could say no, even if he wanted to.

“Don’t let him eat too much cheese, it makes him sick,” Fran adds, still holding Aaron’s neck. He nods.

“I know.”

“And you! Don’t you worry about Jack or the house or...anything. Don’t get sunburned. Eat good food. Smile. Have fun. Make memories.”

“You too.”

(x)

He’s drunk on sunshine and the sound of waves. On blood red wine and salty, briny cheeses and oil soaked olives. Decadence never appealed to him, but being here on their private patio, his feet dangling in a small private pool and staring out at the Aegean Sea that’s about as lazy and warm as he feels right now he wonders why. Derek is sleeping on the bed just inside the sliding doors, bathing in glorious sunlight. A cat nap, he said over an hour ago. At their age a cat nap tends to turn into an afternoon lost to dreams.

They started the nap together, lazy and lounging, twisted tangled limbs and feather soft kisses as they drifted off. But he was hungry so he got up before he managed to fall completely asleep. Untangled himself from Derek’s sweaty grip and padded barefoot toward the fridge for some food. Cheese and olives left over from their breakfast, an apple sliced with some honey. He’s practically starving by the time he’s sitting on the balcony with a plate on his lap watching the seagulls and the cats battle for scraps that the tide left behind.

He’s never loved the beach. Sand gets everywhere, it smells bad, and people are rude. They rarely stay in their own areas, you have to fight for a space. Too crowded. He wonders how people find it at all relaxing. But this? Overlooking the beach from his own balcony, this is good. No sand, all ocean as far as he can see. Islands in the distance. He counts them off mentally, notes which ones they’ve already traveled to, visualizes his way through them. Storing those memories tight in there. He doesn’t want to forget a moment and he’s afraid he already has.

Beside him is a journal, just a little notebook filled with shorthand and chicken scratch, things he wants to do and things he wants to remember to tell Jack about. It calms the storm in his mind to have it all written down.

Jack is pulling away, naturally, but Aaron got a text the day before with a photo of him eating with Beth and Sean. She insisted on seeing him when she came on a work trip, and Aaron thinks she’s more beautiful than ever. He still loves her a little, he never really falls out of love with anyone. People imprint on him and he can’t let them go. It doesn’t make any difference, he knows Derek still feels the same about Savannah. It just works for them.

“How long did I sleep?” Derek’s voice floats through the room, out onto the patio on the breeze. His words are jumbled and muffled by the pillow his face is still smashed into. Aaron smiles.

“A while,” is his reply. He’s trying to let go of itineraries and timelines. He’s trying not to look at clocks at all, really. Clocks remind him of time passing and he’s better off without that on his mind. “Not too long.”

“Mmmfff…” Derek mumbles and Aaron can hear the sleep smile, the way his eyes are still closed and he’s considering whether to let himself go back to sleep or get up and rummage through the cupboards himself. His shoulders are a mountain of bronze and Aaron glances back into the room, thinks about the way they would taste, the skin salty and warm against his lips. He’s tempted to get out of the pool, and then he decides he might lay a trap instead to get Derek to come to him.

“I have a snack,” He offers. It’s almost too easy. “I might share it with you.”

“What’s the catch?” Derek asks, sitting upright and scrubbing his hands down his face. He’s sweaty, the humidity drenches his skin and he needs a shave again already. Aaron can’t take his eyes off of Derek out here, it’s like the light is in love with him, it paints him in a way that Aaron can’t resist. He’s carved from the cliffs and chiseled by the hands of the gods. Meanwhile, Aaron is pretty sure he just looks like a drowned rat. His hair, a little too long for his taste, hangs limp where it would normally be mussed up and messy against his will. An unruly mop, now tamed by humidity.

“No catch.”

“Alright, then what’s it gonna cost me?”

Aaron smiles and tilts his face to the sky expectantly. He’s waiting for Derek to appear above him. “A kiss.”

A kiss is a dangerous thing and as they slip easily into the still pool water unclothed, Aaron thinks they’re bound to end up back in the bed sooner rather than later. The water is a cool break from the oppressive heat of the afternoon sun. Aaron dunks himself first, goes under like a torpedo and slicks his hair back from his eyes when he surfaces. Derek put a headband on him the other day and on principal he hated it, but he didn’t take it off either, at least not for a while. It kept the hair out of his eyes. Derek said he looked cute. The water works just as well now. Derek stares at him in awe and smiles, thumbs smoothing over the droplets that cling to Aaron’s eyelashes.

“You are gorgeous,” he muses, hands cupping Aaron’s jaw, leaning in for a kiss. They wrap around one another, limbs tangling, turning and bouncing weightless in the aquamarine. “Do you even have any idea?”

Aaron hums. It’s a delighted sound that Derek craves, it means he’s in the mood for a little more than kissing. Moving together in unison, their bodies making ripples across the otherwise calm surface, they can’t seem to keep their hands off of each other. Aaron envisioned historical site visits and hikes, ferry trips between islands, all sorts of excursions and so far the thing he’d explored the most was the expanse of Derek’s body. With two kids at home, they don’t get as much alone time as they’d like and it’s just about all they can think to do now. They’re going to have to stay an extra week just to actually experience more than just the inside of a hotel room.

“Wanna go inside?” Derek asks, nose pressed against Aaron’s shoulder, littering kisses amid saltwater droplets. Aaron moans deep and sonorous.

“Absolutely,�� he smiles, head lolling back, adam’s apple bobbing dangerously. Derek licks and bites, lifts Aaron into his arms and turns until he’s floating on his back, Aaron on top of him. He kicks and pushes them toward the steps, dipping below the surface once or twice, turning until he’s on top, acrobatics they’re old pros at a week into this hotel. Dancing in the water has become a sort of specialty. Naughty synchronized swimming. Neither of them wants to get out, the foreplay is just as fun, chilly fingers working at delicate skin, hips rocking and muscles twitching.

Inside, they dry off quickly and leap into the bed before their skin adjusts to the temperature of the room again. The sex is languorous and slow, they have nowhere to be, no one expecting them. Afterward they shower, still touching, still kissing, they almost head back to bed except they’re both starving. They come to an agreement that they need to make their way into town for dinner after discussing the possibility of one more quick fuck. It isn’t in the cards, though. Derek is about to gnaw his own arm off he says, so they dress and start their slow evening walk. The ATV sits in its spot waiting for them to take some interest in something other than sex and a walk to town.

They’ve eaten at the same restaurant the last three nights in a row, it’s never as busy as the others and the owners don’t mind the way that they want to just sit quietly and eat their way through small plates of everything with bottles of wine. They’ve tried a lot of the menu, and now the cooks are just sending the plates on the fly. Testing things out.

The owners, an elderly couple with gnarled hands and twinkling eyes the color of the Aegean, like to listen to their stories (the less terrible ones anyway, they spare them that). They look at these two men, Aaron with his salt and pepper hair that’s definitely got a lot more salt these days lighting up his temples and Derek with his goatee that’s shimmering with silver sparkles and they can’t believe they carried guns and caught serial killers. “It sounds like a movie,” one of them says in a thick accent that makes Aaron melt. “It can’t be real.”

But they have pictures. The two of them in the office, candid shots that remind them of days gone by. Days they miss with every fiber of their beings but wouldn’t repeat for anything. Days when taking a nap seemed as absurd as the sky suddenly turning bright yellow. Now, missing a nap is ludicrous. They get off work in the early afternoon and siesta before they even decide what to make for dinner. Vacation just means more naps, and it does seem crazy that there was a time in Aaron’s life that he needed to carry two weapons or that he was put in the hospital by a serial killer. It’s like a different life, a different person. He can understand why they don’t exactly believe him.

“Baba ganoush,” Derek says as soon as they sit down. It’s become his favorite food in the world since they landed in Athens. Since they made their way from Athens to Milos. He’d eat it with a spoon if that were socially acceptable, he likes it that much. And here, they drench it in olive oil and pine nuts and thick green parsley. Aaron chooses small plates of seafood that make Derek squirm in his seat, prawns with their eyes still staring at him and octopus tentacles purple and swirling and spiraling over the edge of the plate dramatically. Aaron is an adventurous eater now. He always had it in him but his job made him paranoid and sick, ulcers eating away at him from the inside. There are still plenty of days when he walks around with an ache deep in his stomach, but it’s less to do with food and more to do with how his body functions after Foyet played mad surgeon with him.

Aaron’s favorite is the fried anchovies. It’s the only thing Derek has tried that he won’t touch again. “It’s like cat food with extra salt. The bones are like little razors,” he’d said, swallowing it only because he didn’t want to be rude. He really wanted to spit it into his napkin.

Their table is full of tiny plates, dips and seafood and breads. Olive oil and bread is a constant. Derek can’t remember the last time he ate so many carbs so happily. They’ll get full and lean back, sipping their wine contentedly until there’s room and then eat a little more. Whatever doesn’t get eaten is taken back to their little hotel fridge and they’ll snack on it the rest of the night and maybe even for breakfast, though they do like wandering into town to find food for breakfast just after the sun has crested the horizon.

“So, I was thinking,” Derek says as they walk back to the hotel hand in hand. They each have a to-go box in the other hand. “You wanna go check out that ancient theater they got up on that hill? Go drop this off, grab the ATV and explore?”

“You mean leave the hotel room for more than food?” Aaron asks with mock surprise.

Aaron smiles and nods before Derek can respond. He can’t imagine anything better than absorbing more history. They’d made plenty of stops while in Athens but nothing so far here. He’s nowhere near his limit. “Leave the notebook,” Derek tells him when they drop off their food and grab a blanket. “You can write it down later.” It might be hot during the day but it gets chilly at night, the briny wind coming in off of the sea is bound to make Aaron shiver. He used to poke fun at him for how his blood seemed to run like rivers of ice, a blessing in the heat when he wants to wear his suits on a case in Florida but when they’re in Alaska and his lips are nearly blue even in his big puffy coat it’s a little problematic. He’d always run cold, but after Foyet, after his heart stopped and too much of his blood was spilled...he can’t seem to shake a chill when it settles in his bones. Here it’s only a minor inconvenience, nothing a blanket draped around his shoulders won’t fix in a snap.

The ATV ride is nice. Aaron clings to Derek’s back, relaxes against him with his hands on his hips and watches the scenery creep by. They don’t go fast, this is the most new that they’ve seen in days. He’s taking it all in.

They’re the only ones in the carved marble and stone theater for a long time. It’s just before sunset, close enough that all of the tourists have ambled away from the other sights and headed for the higher ground, the places they can get their pictures so everyone they’ve ever (or never) met can see what they see. Selfies are king and everyone wants the shot. They aren’t interested in that, they don’t even have social media. For a variety of reasons, perhaps, not the least of which is simply that they covet their privacy.

That doesn’t stop them from taking hundreds of photos, though. They just keep those photos close.

Derek takes pictures of Aaron, his aquiline profile against the glow of dawn, his feet in the sand, his thick fingers against the delicate stem of a wine glass...all of the little pieces of him that he adores so much. A former bomb tech, Derek obsesses over small details. The way the early morning sun plays with the silver at Aaron’s temples or the band-aids he’s always got over skinned knuckles and broken nails. Aaron favors a wider angle, candid shots from far away, admiring the way Derek seems to fit into the strange lunar landscape, terrain created by ancient gods. He looks crafted from their sunbeams and Aaron can’t get enough of the way the sun plays with his skin. He aims his camera as Derek splashes through waves, as he jumps from the highest rock he can find with slicing precision, as he leaps into the ocean from a small boat. He captures Derek napping on a hammock on a boat in the middle of the sea before he lays his camera down to do the same. He clicks the shutter when Derek is laughing at a story he’s being told or learning how to do something new with that intense look of determination and curiosity.

In their old age, they’re kind of obsessed with each other. And neither of them feels bad about it.

“Let’s take our clothes off and have some fun tonight,” Derek says with a slow grin. He’s not even worried Aaron is going to say no, they’re too far in now. Aaron has scaled rock cliffs for him, climbed down (and then back up) ladders and ropes and through steep canons of red rock to get to a secluded little beach. They’re sitting alone in the center of an ancient Greek theater and Aaron is so wrapped up in the idea of watching a performance or a speech here that he doesn’t even give Derek’s question any thought, he simply agrees. Fun sounds good. Fun with Derek always sounds good.

“What kind of fun?” Aaron asks curiously, already knowing that he’s going to do it regardless of the answer. He’s loosened up but he’s still Aaron Hotchner. He doesn’t like to be kept in the dark. Surprises make him uneasy. And more to the point, the idea of sex on the beach is less than appealing no matter what. It doesn’t matter that his husband is a bronze sun god, he doesn’t want sand in his mouth or his ass and that’s pretty final.

“We’re pretty close to a beach that lets you drop your trousers...go all natural...”

“Nothing too crazy. I don’t want sand inside of me but...maybe just…” he starts, ready to suggest that they start fooling around at the beach and head back to their hotel for the rest. He stops mid-sentence when an elderly couple amble past them, two rows down, hardly seeming to mind the conversation they’d been privy to moments before. They lower their voices anyway.

“Please. I did all those boring castle tours.”

“They weren’t boring,” Aaron mutters a little indignantly. Derek kisses his knuckles and smiles.

“No, they weren’t. They were awesome. I just think you’d have a great time...it’s really freeing taking your clothes off. You could use a little freeing.”

Aaron thinks about Jack going off to spend most of his summer in New York. His last summer at home as a child and he wants to be away for most of it...Aaron can hardly begrudge him that, he saved up money all year in order to do this on his own. He’ll be home next summer and they’ll spend the whole thing together as a family, doing everything and doing nothing, Jack promised him that. It’s a give and take with a grown child. But then he thinks about Jack going to college in a year and it makes his chest ache. Around that kind of tightness he thinks he can’t handle any more freedom. They still have Hank. Sweet little Hank who went from only child to youngest and is about to go back to only in many ways. His grasp of the situation is tentative at best, it’s going to be a big adjustment. Derek sees the darkening in Aaron’s eyes and pulls him close, kisses him on the temple. “I know. You don’t need more freedom. I get it. But I want you so bad I can hardly stand it…I’m your ball and chain, baby...you can’t get free of me.”

“I don’t mean to eavesdrop,” the woman says, startling both of them. The couple is now closer, standing over them from behind. Aaron freezes against Derek’s chest, mortified that these people heard them talking about their rabid libido, but he can’t be bothered for long. Her husband looks mortified. She looks pleased. She’s wearing bright blue pants and a white shirt, she’s clearly gone out of her way to match her surroundings. He can’t quite place her accent. “But I overheard you mentioning finding a...natural...beach? We go every night. You’re right, it is freeing. I’ll show you the beach we like, Harold get the map. It’s busy in the daytime but it empties in the evening. Most families head up to the church to see the sunset, leaving the beach to us.”

Aaron is mortified but Derek is beaming. “What’s your name?”

“Catherine,” she says and Aaron watches the flush in her cheeks when Derek takes her hand and kisses it. “This is my husband Harold.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Aaron says, shaking Harold’s hand.

She hands them her map and Aaron looks at it intently, though he doesn’t bother to tell her he’s already practically memorized the thing. It’s folded in his journal back at their hotel. She points to the beach and to the cove with a smile, her massive collection of gold bracelets crusted with jewels dragging and making the sound of wind chimes. She smells like peonies and roses with a faint underscore of denture cream. He likes her instantly.

“Will you be there tonight?” Derek asks. She smiles bright with her crimson painted lips and nods. Harold, a little more reserved but no less flashy in his brown suit and gold chain, gives a little shrug.

“More than likely. We just can’t stay away. You take a bottle of wine and a blanket, you find yourself a little nook and you enjoy yourself. What more could you want in life?”

Derek nudges Aaron with his elbow. “What more could you want?”

Aaron can think of a few things, perhaps, but he smiles and offers agreement.

The sunset is glorious, and Derek really wants to head down to the beach right away but Aaron looks tired. He didn’t take a nap earlier and it’s catching up to him now. There’s a special little flicker of premonition that comes with knowing a person as well as Derek knows Aaron, and he can see the future: they’ll get to the beach, and Aaron will fall fast asleep if they lay down on the sand. The conditions will be too perfect. He’ll have to practically carry him back to the hotel, and there will be no sex.

That won’t do, so he compromises. “Let’s go take a little nap,” he says, pressing his nose to Aaron’s cheek. “We’ll head down to the beach when it’s almost dark.”

“Set an alarm.” That means he’ll sleep all night if they don’t. Derek heeds the warning and sets his alarm for one hour.

There isn’t anyone on the beach when they show up and make their way around to the little cove their new acquaintances told them about. During the daytime they imagine the place is flooded with people, flesh and kissing and as Harold put it with his wry little smile: “debauchery”. He’d told them about their first time, showing up just after lunch and feeling as though they’d joined an orgy. They enjoyed themselves fine but prefer the solitude of dusk. Derek thinks the daytime hours would be a kick and a half and plans to get around to a trip on his own down that way, but with Aaron he’ll stick to the dark.

“How about right here?” Derek asks, spreading the blanket up next to the cliff wall. They have a perfect view of the sea, the last bursts of sunlight barely cresting the horizon and fighting with the silvery shreds of moonlight filtering through blinking stars. They each have a bag full of provisions, snacks and drinks, flashlights and other beach necessities that they set down on each side of the blanket to pin it in place against the breeze skating in off the sea. Derek wastes no time at all stripping, his shorts are around his ankles immediately and he’s tearing at his shirt before he even steps out of them. Aaron is a little more timid, but he gets there. He’s looking around, over his shoulder, out at the sea for fishing boats, anyone whose eyes might be on him.

He hadn’t been cold before, but now his skin is flush with goosebumps and his nipples could cut diamonds. He folds his arms over his chest and bounces on the balls of his feet a little. Derek wraps his sun-soaked arms around Aaron and shares the warmth from his internal furnace.

“You’re a big baby.”

“I know.”

“Huge.”

“I’m aware, thank you.”

Aaron has always been self-conscious, his scars are huge and eye-catching. They look exactly like what they are: knife wounds. They don’t look like they could be anything else. He imagines how he’ll explain them without frightening people, and it inevitably ends up with him leaving his shirt on to save everyone the trouble. It makes people visibly uncomfortable. And his back? Well it’s a little easier to explain away through lies – bicycle wrecks, falling out of tree houses, the kind of stories that indicate an idyllic country childhood spent in the open air getting into all sorts of trouble. He doesn’t feel bad lying about those to strangers. They’re messy. But the scars on his front, there’s no good excuse for those. They’re severe and precise and there’s no palatable explanation for them.

But Derek’s chest is scarred too, a huge track of melted skin all the way down his sternum. Hotch looks at that and sees incredible strength and resilience, he sees triumph over his captors, he sees survival. What Derek accomplished in that cabin on his own makes Aaron swell with pride for him. Derek oozes confidence – the scar is a story that belongs to him, and when people ask he just says it was an on-the-job injury the same as the bullet scars, the same as anything else. And he says it so casually that no one really bothers to ask for more information, they just stare in awe at this miraculous man in front of them. But Aaron can’t seem to gather that same kind of confidence without his suit and tie. An on the job injury that involved nine stab wounds? What kind of thing is that? And all he really had to do to get out of it was stay awake. It’s hardly as impressive.

He doesn’t have much time to consider it because he feels a soft tickle at his ankle and looks down to find a cat. Scruffy and orange, the cat purrs loudly and slides against his shin one direction and then back. Glancing around, he realizes it isn’t the only one. They’re surrounded by curious cats. “I read about this,” Hotch says in awe. “They live in these caves.”

“Just a bunch of cave pussy, huh?”

Aaron gives Derek a disapproving look but cracks a smile anyway, he’s funny, he can’t help it. His crass humor has only gotten worse as he’s gotten older. In mixed company it makes Aaron blush.

“Let’s see where they live,” Aaron says. Derek jumps at a chance to explore a little of the area and honestly the idea of wandering through a cave completely naked is a little thrilling. Aaron digs around in his shoulder bag, past the bottle of wine and plastic cups and to-go container of bread and oil and cheese from dinner earlier until he finds his flashlight. They had headlamps too, but he didn’t think they needed to go that far into the cave. Not at night anyway. He’d heard that some of these caves connected directly to the sea on the other side, more like a tunnel, but he isn’t keen on going that deep tonight.

The follow the trail of cats back into a large cave not far from where they set up their little evening rendezvous. Aaron’s flashlight sends a flood of hazy yellow ahead of them and throws the walls and rock formations into striking shadow figures. “You smell that?” Derek asks. He was prepared for the smell of cats, this cave was probably a natural litter box but this smell...isn’t cat-made. He would know this smell anywhere.

It’s death. More to the point, it’s blood, the sickly metallic tang of fresh blood. It doesn’t immediately call their attention to danger, it could be anything. An animal the cats killed, they have to eat too and these cats are scavengers.

“I might not hear well but I can smell just fine,” Hotch replies, noting that the further in they go the worse the smell gets. He’s picturing another cat, maybe, or a mess of seagull and feathers. He’s anticipating a gory mess...but what they find is worse.

There is no mess. It’s a body, sure, and there is blood...but it’s not cat food. It’s a young man, younger than they are anyway. Probably in his thirties though it’s hard to tell in this light. He’s lying on his back with a stab wound in his chest, a crimson bloodflower spreading slowly over the white linen of his button down shirt. Aaron can’t even help it, he lets out a long, miserable sigh and looks at Derek in the sickly yellow glow of the flashlight. “Damn.”

Aaron instinctively crouches beside the body and reaches out to check for a pulse, knowing with certainty that he won’t find one. Still, if there is any possibility at all of life, he can’t stand and watch it fade without doing anything. There is no pulse, no breath, the skin is cooler than it should be. He hasn’t been dead long but he’s absolutely dead.

“So much for sex on the beach,” Derek mutters, and Aaron shakes his head. All thoughts of wine and picnics and making out in the ocean breeze are dashed from his mind. He hasn’t been with the BAU in years, and yet the change is almost instant. He goes from Aaron enjoying his vacation to Hotch working the case. Derek’s change is immediate as well. Just like putting on a new pair of clothes.

“Did you bring your phone?”

“It’s in my pants. Stay here with him.”

“I’m naked, Derek. Bring me my clothes or the blanket or something to cover up with. Please.”

“We’re both naked. It’s a nude beach, Aaron. If we’re down here in clothes don’t you think they’re going to immediately suspect us? Check out more of the area, see if you can find anything useful.”

“Oh, yeah. Sure. I’m going to wander naked and barefoot alone in this cave. That sounds smart.” He’s biting back with sarcasm and he doesn’t like it. Derek doesn’t deserve that. “I’ll do what I can.”

“Where is SSA Hotchner?” Derek asks, returning the sarcasm in spades. Aaron groans.

“He’s old and retired, trying to avoid dead bodies and killers. He’s tired.”

Derek hums, content in the knowledge that he’s bullied Aaron into at least scoping out the site to see if he can find anything else. That’s a stab wound, he could tell, and the weapon wasn’t in the victim. He hurries back to the blanket, suddenly worried that he left Aaron in the cave unarmed and barefoot – what if he steps on the knife? What if the killer is still in there? He moves faster, rifles through the bag for another flashlight and finds his phone hanging halfway out of the back pocket in his shorts. He thinks about putting them on but remembers what he’d said and doesn’t. He does grab a towel from the bottom of the bag and decides he’ll offer it to Aaron. He’s not worried about being naked in front of the police but he knows Aaron battles with his insecurity and he’s not eager to make it worse. Not right now.

He calls the police and directs them to their location before going back into the cave and offering Aaron the towel to cover himself up. Aaron looks at him with so much love in his eyes, sparking embers in the shadowy cave and once again he mourns the ruined plans for their evening.

It doesn’t take long for police to show up with huge flood lights they set up at the mouth and string along the craggy roof of the cave. The whole place is lit up like daylight and Derek scoots until he’s shielded a little by Aaron and his towel. Maybe he should have grabbed one himself. He’s never been self-conscious but this harsh light makes him feel like he’s been put under a magnifying glass.

While they waited for the police to show up, Aaron managed to find few footprints that don’t belong to he or Derek, some blood on the wall, and a knife half buried in the sand about ten feet from the body. He had nearly stepped on it. Still, potential danger aside, he can’t believe it’s this easy.

The police, three of them, rush toward the body and push Aaron and Derek back while they examine it for themselves. One of them, the man in charge, speaks English.

“You found him? How long ago?”

“About ten minutes. We called right away.”

“What were you doing in the cave?”

“We followed some cats in. We were curious about where they lived and how many there were.” It sounds flimsy even as Derek says it, but it’s the truth. He doesn’t make his pussy joke.

“The body is still warm. The killer can’t be far away.”

“There’s a knife in the sand over there, and footprints leading further into the cave. I don’t know how far in they go.” Aaron stops himself before he goes into everything he’s already figured out about the body. He can’t help it, this is second nature. Derek asked him where SSA Hotchner was, and it turns out, he may be incredibly tired and rusty but he’s right here.

“I don’t think the killer meant to do this.”

Derek shoots him a funny look, eyebrows raised. He recognizes the tone of Aaron’s voice. He’s already got a profile. That fast. He’s naked, wrapped in a terrycloth towel, ready to deliver the damn profile to police officers who barely speak English in a cat filled cave. Aaron has taken control of the entire situation, and even though he’s a naked tourist they’re all listening to him. They’re all looking to him. Derek has to think about baseball statistics being rattled off by his grandmother in order to keep the resulting erection at bay. He uses the flashlight, turned off now because there’s plenty of light in the cave, to hide it. He’s barely successful.

The best part is that as he watches, he realizes that Aaron is standing taller. He’s not trying to hide his scars, his stories. He seems to realize that standing there the way he is, those scars tell a story that is riveting and the officers can’t look away. Maybe there is some power in them and what he’s survived, maybe they’re to his advantage after all. Maybe the way they make these officers uncomfortable is useful.

“What makes you say that?” the lead detective asks, tearing his eyes away from this scarred man in a towel to glance at the body again. Aaron feels bad for him, it’s pretty obvious they don’t deal with things like this here very often and they’re all visibly shaken. Probably petty theft and some vandalism, tourists behaving badly, that sort of thing. Not murder.

Aaron would rather be just about anywhere else in the whole world right now but he’s here, and he’s going to help them out the best he can. At least they seem, so far, to believe that he didn’t have anything to do with it. Either that or they think he’s about the stupidest man they’ve ever come across and eventually he’ll just give himself away. The thought almost makes him smile but he maintains his composure.

“This crime scene is messy. It looks like there was someone here, maybe two people, and my guess is that the victim surprised them while they were otherwise occupied. The victim doesn’t have any defensive wounds but he does have some hair caught between two of his fingers on his right hand and a smudge of what looks like lipstick on his arm.”

Bright red lipstick. Aaron’s stomach fills with a kind of dread that he used to thrive on. The kind that leads him right to the person who held the knife.

The police are all staring at him with their mouths open, incredulous. The detective who speaks English is translating to the other two quietly, at least he hopes he’s translating and not condemning him.

“I think his killer was older, probably a man. Most likely self-defense. The state of the scene makes me think that the person who killed this man was afraid and as soon as the knife went in, they ran away. They most likely didn’t stop to see if the man was dead before they ran. I would look for an older couple who seem rattled, or who check out of their hotel room abruptly and leave the island. They’re afraid of what they’ve done, but I think you’ll find this wasn’t premeditated. This man most likely threatened them in some way. I would expect that the knife probably belonged to him.”

“How do you know all of this if you are not the killer?” the officer asks. Aaron and Derek both expected that question a lot sooner. Aaron had been thinking about telling the police to check the man’s pockets where they would likely find jewelry or something from the woman, perhaps the man. A gold bangle bracelet or a chain. But they’re starting to suspect Aaron knows too much so he keeps that to himself. They’ll find that on their own.

“I’m a retired FBI Agent.”

“We both are,” Derek chimes in, ready to stop being just a naked bump on a log. He’d been enjoying Aaron somehow running the show but he wants in on the action now. He’s kind of an adrenaline junkie. “We worked with the Behavioral Analysis Unit hunting serial killers all over America.”

The police stare at them for a moment and start laughing. “You retired and came here on vacation to relax only you cannot get away, the killers follow you,” the officer says. “It’s amusing, no?”

“Is it?” Derek asks with a laugh. He gives the officers all of their information, including the number to Emily’s desk at the FBI to check their references. Their alibi for the estimated time of death was flimsy, they’d been napping in their room until they came to the beach. No one could vouch for their whereabouts, but they were complying and it didn’t seem like the police suspected them.

Back at their hotel, they ready themselves for bed. Washing up, brushing their teeth, going through the motions. Aaron takes his mess of evening pills and Derek checks that their doors are all secure. When they meet up in the bed, they both lay silent side by side, exhausted yet wide awake. They’re both buzzing with the excitement of a case they don’t get to work and the only way to alleviate that kind of charge is by getting physical. That part is easy. The bed sheets are peeled back and in they slide, ready to settle the score. “Back there,” Derek says between hot breathy kisses. “You were so damn hot I could barely handle it.”

“Yeah?” Aaron asks, a little coy, smiling into the next kiss. “How close did you come?”

“My grandma had to tell me all about Hank Aaron’s stats…” Derek whispers desperately, rocking his hips against Aaron’s thigh. He’s thinking about the cave again, about the way Aaron became Hotch, about the power in the way he stood. About the way he squared his shoulders and didn’t shield his scars from sight but claimed them, claimed his survival, claimed a showdown with a prolific serial killer. Aaron smiles and knows exactly what to do.

“Hank Aaron had 3771 hits in his career,” Aaron whispers hot and slow against the pulse in Derek’s throat. He moves lower, dusting kisses along his collarbone, along the ridges of his scar. “755 home runs…”

Derek moans as Aaron glides down his abs and finds his destination, and with one hand Derek pushes Aaron’s head so he’ll stop ruining the stat trick, so he has something else to do with his mouth. Even that’s turning him on now.

The phone rings as they lay panting in bed, spent and happy, ready for another shower and a dip in the pool. Muscles twitching, chests heaving, neither of them any closer to being ready for sleep. Derek answers, hums a few times, nods and thanks whoever is on the line. Aaron has a guess.

“That was the police, they caught the killers.”

“Harold and Catherine?” Aaron asks and Derek nods, feeling that same pool of warmth spread again in his groin.

“They were in the cave to feed the cats and probably to get busy. You remember all their bling. Catherine and all that gold, I’m not surprised. He grabbed her by the hair and Harold knocked the knife out of his hand and stabbed him. They ran through the cave to the main beach, the police caught them by Catherine’s engraved necklace under the guy half buried in the sand. He ripped it off her neck. Doesn’t sound like the police are gonna do much to them, this guy had a record and is wanted in Athens for the rape and murder of a tourist a few years back. Sounds like a piece of shit that got what was coming to him.”

Aaron smiles and nods before yawning. “Shower?” And just like that he’s turned it off. Case closed. Hotch is back in retirement and Aaron just wants to shower and take a dip in the pool with his husband. He wants to resume vacation mode. They get into the shower and wash the case off of them with ease, soap suds and slick skin and smiles. It doesn’t take them long before they’re dancing slowly in the shower, just small sways and circles, Derek’s hand settled at the curved small of Aaron’s back, Aaron draped over Derek’s shoulder.

“Let’s have a snack” Derek says, always thinking about food. Aaron nods. “I have something I want to run by you...”

“I have a guess,” Aaron replies with a smile, turning his face toward Derek’s and kissing him. He’s been waiting for Derek to bring it up. “You want to extend the vacation. You’re not ready to go home to the empty house either.”

“We’re already all the way over here...what if we just pop over to Italy and spend some time there?”

“Just pop over to Italy huh?” Aaron smiles dreamily and rests his cheek against the mound of Derek’s shoulder, swaying again beneath the shower. The water is lukewarm and feels heavenly against their sandy sticky skin. He’s content to stay here for a bit longer dreaming of more travel. They don’t have kids who will be home for another month, they’ve got plenty of time and resources. There’s no good reason not to. “Okay. Let’s do it. Let’s go to Italy. Why not?”

[weirdcat1213]

Conventional weapons and queer acceptance

I'm going through it rn so here's a really long post on a queer interpretation of Conventional Weapons.

Notes:

-Yes, I will talk about every song. No song is safe from me.

-No, I don't think it is the only/correct interpretation but its one that I've been thinking about for ages so leave me alone :D

-I know these songs were recorded separately and they don't have a linear story (like revenge or tbp) but for the sake of angst, I will treat the whole album as a queer journey where the speaker is the main character, also I will use they/them for them because the album itself talks a lot about gender.

-"Some of these are more about the system and protests rather than queerness" guess what? those go hand in hand even though it's 2023, life sucks.

-I will use "queer" instead of LGBTQ+. That debate does not belong here but I'm just giving a heads up.

TW: homophobia, transphobia, conversion therapy, unhealthy coping mechanisms (?), aids crisis, society just being shitty in general

Let's start :3

Album context: CW is not a concept album (sadly). The band had ideas for these songs since their TBP tour and didn't think it was fit for Danger Days so they only released them because Frank thought they were cool (bless his soul he was so right). Therefore, these songs' messages/perspectives/feelings may vary.

Boy Division:

*The first two songs have a handgun on the cover. This weapon is a small and distant weapon, portraying the distance the speaker wants to have with queerness since they're still in the closet*

From a queer perspective, this song is about the speaker's closeted life as a queer person. The song asks people close to him how would they react if they were to find out about they are queer. The speaker already knows the answer, people would be disgusted and reject them entirely, making the speaker mad. It can be assumed the speaker is at their last straw here and leave their home behind to live their truth.

"If all my enemies

Threw a party, would you light the candles?

Would you drink the wine while watchin' television?

Watch the animals and all the tragedies

And sell your arteries to buy my casket gown"

Enemies in this context are homophobic/transphobic people. If the speaker admitted to being queer, would their loved ones pretend the speaker is "dead"? Would they side with the homophobic/transphobic people?

"Well, it better be black and it better be tight

And it better be just my size

I'm stalkin' these metro malls and airport halls

And all these schoolgirls"

This may be a reference to the kind of stereotypes the speaker's loved ones believe about queer people. About how they stalk people in public and "try to convert minors"

"I'm not askin', you're not tellin'

He's not dead, he only looks that way"

The speaker not asking anymore if the people they know support queer people/if they would support them. The part about "him" not being dead could be how their relatives see the situation from the outside. The speaker is apathetic because of their situation but no one knows.

"Out nowhere, take me out there

Far away and save me from my

Self-destruction, hopeless for you

Sing a song for California"

They're in the middle of nowhere, and they wish to be in a more accepted place, putting California as an example (is this true? idk I don't live there)

"I bought my enemies

Rope to hang me and the knives to gang me

You can watch them stab me on your television

Stomp the halls, because the bathroom walls

Would have a lot to say

About the lines you're puttin' down"

This is the speaker's way to say he is one of the queers their loved ones hate so much. The speaker "bought" the rope by admitting their queerness and they might as well be the ones on the TV getting ganged up on because of their identity. When they mention the bathroom it could be a reference to how there are worst things happening that transphobic gatekeeping bathrooms, such as people doing drugs.

"Well, it better be white and better be cut

And better be just my size

Until my capillaries burst of boredom

I'll be waitin"

Instead of funeral attire, now they want to use wedding attire because they feel alive by coming out, hence the white. If we assume they were rejected by their loved ones, the speaker will wait for them to come around until they get bored. The speaker's capillaries are a symbol of their patience.

"I'm not laughin', you're not jokin'

I'm not dead, I only dress that way"

The speaker dresses as if they're dead not only because they could be at any time due to harassment but also because they feel dead being in a place they can't be themselves. It could also be a reference to gender expression and the speaker experimenting for the first time.

"'Cause we got the bomb, we got the bomb, let's go!

We got the bomb, we got the bomb, let's go!"

This could mean queer people (we) are fighting back society (the bomb) and the speaker feels inspired.

"Say a prayer for California"

A prayer for California so it can stay as a place the speaker can run to and be free.

Tomorrows Money:

This one is about the speaker's views about capitalism and taking a stand as an activist against corporations and rainbow capitalism. The speaker knows queer people aren't welcome and yet they're still used for profit, however, we could say the song's pov is from the speaker and the corporations. The song also makes an argument about how capitalism actively makes queer people's lives even more difficult.

"You fell in love with a vampire

Do you wanna get it for free

In this song, vampires are associated with queer people and their experiences (just like many movies about vampires and other monsters have done in history). Getting one for free would be to get to live the experience of a queer person instead of seeing it externally (in a movie, show, book, etc)

"Then say hello to the brush fire, baby

You gotta take it from me, I’m gonna take it from you

Say hello to the good times

And burning up in the sun"

According to corporations, the speaker can live out as a queer person, but they will have to face conflict against capitalism, a model that is mostly known for taking things away from people.

They’re sitting back on an empire

While the world lays back, puts a kid behind that gun

This is the speaker's view about capitalism and the world. Corporations and their owners are living comfortably while they leave the most vulnerable minorities to deal with the dirty work.

"If we crash this time

They got machines to keep us alive

When the mixtape plays

Choke down the words with no meaning"

This refers to how queer people can't seem to escape capitalism. If they get hurt while protesting or get sick, they will still need to get (most of the time in most places at least) private health insurance to get good medical attention. When talking about the mixtape, it can also be referring to the multiple products corporations do for queer people (see the "pride merch" on june). But when you analyze the final products, it is clear that it lacks meaning and it was only made for profit.

"I stopped bleeding three years ago

While you keep screaming for revolution

Me and my surgeons and my street-walking friends

We got no heroes, 'cause our heroes are dead"

Here the speaker is personally calling out corporations for their meaningless support. While they and other people have been protesting and taking care of themselves within their community, corporations keep shouting out their outdated "love is love" slogan and keep repeating their empty promises about equality. The speaker, the "surgeons" (people who focus and live to take care of the queer community as volunteers/nonprofit organizations), and more activists keep protesting for a better future but also for the people who came before them and died for the cause (for example multiple people during the aids crisis)

"Say hello to the program

We’re gonna give it for free

Hook up the veins to the antibodies

Got it with the disease, we’re gonna give it to you"

This verse could be considered queer representation in media and how it helps queer people even if it ends up being queerbating. Corporations give queer people the content and even if there are no official queer people in it, subtext and further readings into the media help people to see themselves in the story and/or characters, they work as antibodies against society.

"Say goodbye to the good times

You’re loaded up with the fame

You’re dressing up like a virus

But the words get lost when we all look the same"

The most popular and famous logo (and stand) corporations take in pride month is the rainbow. They don't specify anything and just keep it open to appeal to most people as possible. Although queer people have taken the rainbow as a general symbol for everyone when corporations use it is because there is no interest in other people who aren't the "classic" cisgender white gay male, there's no meaning on their rainbow. All the rainbow logos in June end up looking like a virus taking over for a month rather than support.

"You fell in love with a vampire, torch up for the empire

Say hello to the brush fire, the microphone's got a tap wire

You fell in love with a vampire, torch up for the empire

Say hello to the brush fire, the microphone's got a tap wire!"

In this verse, the speaker is possibly talking to a multitude. They make a reference to the vampire analogy but also says that if they want to live free queer people need to get rid of the corporations. No matter how many problems they face they have to be careful since they're still under capitalism and being watched.

"Because rebellion's not a T-shirt you sell

You keep your money, and I’ll see you in hell"

Many queer people have that reaction when companies don't support queer people's rights but sell queer products on pride month. The speaker rejects rainbow capitalism and will see the company in hell since, according to religious fanatics, that's where queer people are going.

*I find this topic (capitalism vs the queers) really interesting but I honestly don't know much about it but this is a cool video I recommend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xQVFYWvd3o&t=1449s)

Ambulance:

*The second disc has a picture of a small knife, a weapon of short range that requires the user to get really closer to the opponent. This represents the speaker's change from their involvement with the queer community; they went from keeping their distance to putting themselves out there as an activist*

Ambulance, under a queer context, is about the queer community and the love the speaker has for them since they have helped after they cut ties with their family in "Boy Division."

You don’t know a thing about this life, and we are up for

Everything it takes to prove we’re not the same as them

The speaker could be talking to someone new when it comes to activism. They want to motivate the new recruit but also be honest about what is like to constantly be on the line. The queer community will never be like the people who can easily thrive in a heteronormative society because the queer community looks out for every minority (let's ignore dumb organizations like lgb for this, they suck)

"And we will wear our masks again, out after dark

'Cause we are up for everything it takes

and we are not the same

'Cause we are not afraid

And we are not ashamed"

This part is about how they protect themselves while defending themselves and how they are not ashamed of fighting for what's right publicly.

"And if you save my life, I’ll be the one who drives

You home tonight

And if I ever let you down, I’ll be the one who drives

You home tonight"

One of the things that the speaker appreciates most about the queer community is how they take care of each other. If one of them gets hurt, they will help each other. No matter what happens everyone looks out for everyone.

"Remember once, you walked this kind of life quietly, I’ll sleep

Behind the wheel, and passing every face you see the first time

Singing every piece as you walk by proving that with

All of my mistakes, that we are not the same"

The speaker is comparing themselves to other people in their group who have been in their position but also have had a completely different experience. Other people may have cope in healthier ways than the speaker, which makes them feel kind of guilty.

"'Cause we are not the same

And we are all to blame"

When it comes to protesting or activism is it always is the activists' fault if something bad happens. According to conservatives if anything goes south (police brutality, hate crimes, etc) is the queer people's fault for not being closeted, for "indoctrinating people".

"'Cause you don’t know a thing about me

, you don’t know a thing"

This is from the speaker to the people who have helped them in their life. They don't know who they were before but the community still took them in as family.

Gun:

Honestly, there's not much that this brilliant thread hasn't already said. La (the twitter user) suggests that "the song's main theme is obviously a young person entering the military, which is known for having a strict structure and very precise rules to follow and roles to fill. in this case, I believe the military could represent the cis, heteronormative society"

See the rest of the thread here :D

https://twitter.com/zhongmcr/status/1560384799101124614?t=emxookpnkny0c5iYV4fmdw&s=19

Please read it and send @/zhongmcr some love for it.

The World is Ugly:

*The machine guns reflect more intensity as an attack. The speaker is going deeper in being vocal about the queer community on this disc.*

The world is ugly is, of course, a romantic song. When analyzing it through queer lenses, however, it can be about the speaker getting strong feelings for someone but still being afraid of confessing their feelings, even if the other person is also queer, because are traumatized by past experiences while in the closet.

"These are the eyes and the lies of the taken These are their hearts But their hearts don't beat like ours They burn 'cause they are all afraid"

The speaker usually gets that feeling of "them against the world", but it is different with the person they are interested in. The speaker feels they have a connection and they are together while being against the world.

"For every one of us There's an army of them But you'll never fight alone 'Cause I wanted you to know"

Conservative people are "afraid" of queer people and it has made their lives difficult but when they're together it doesn't matter.

"That the world is ugly But you’re beautiful to me Well are you thinking of me now?"

The heteronormative society is a pain for the speaker and the love interest but the speaker wants to make clear that their love interest is beautiful no matter what society says.

"These are the nights And the lights that we fade in These are the words But the words aren't coming out

They burn 'cause they are hard to say"

This part is more personal for the speaker. They reminisce on all the nights they have spent with their love interest and how on those they have tried to tell how they feel, but the speaker cannot say it out loud.

"For every failing sun, there's a morning after Though, I'm empty when you go I just wanted you to know"

The speaker comforts themselves with the fact that they can try the next day, but at the same time, they keep living with the pain of their love interest not knowing.

"That the world is ugly But you're beautiful to me Are you thinking of me Like I'm thinking of you?"

The speaker wonders if their love interest thinks about them the same way or if they have another kind of relationship.

"I would say I'm sorry, though Though, I really need to go I just wanted you to know

I wanted you to know I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you Every night, every day"

In this verse, the speaker implies they usually focus on activism and things that will help their community rather than their own feelings. They have to go and keep helping others but still wants to let their feelings come across.

"These are the lies And the lives of the taken These are their hearts But their hearts don't beat like ours They burn 'cause they are all afraid But mine beats twice as hard"

Because the speaker is really focused on others but also wants to be with their love interest, they are passionate about 2 things.

"Stop your crying, helpless feeling Dry your eyes and start believing There's one thing They’ll never take from you"

The speaker goes back to their "mentor mode" and inspires their love interest to believe in a better future. However, they also reference how the world can never take their love interest's beauty away.

"One day, like this We'll never be the same Never, forever Like ghosts in the snow Like ghosts in the sun"

This is the speaker dreaming of what their life could be only with their love interest. They would just be people exploring the world.

The Light Behind Your Eyes:

This song is about a guide saying goodbye to people or a person whom they have helped in the past. Under a queer interpretation, it could be from the point of view of an elder queer passing away who was really important to the speaker.

"So long to all my friends Every one of them met tragic ends With every passing day I'd be lying if I didn't say That I miss them all tonight"

The elder queer is possibly passing away and is thinking about the friends they got to make within the community. By saying their friends met tragic ends it could refer to the aids crisis or hate crimes.

"And if they only knew what I would say If I could be with you tonight I would sing you to sleep Never let them take the light behind your eyes"

Just like the elder queer, their friends used to help people in the community, and they would approve the last reassuring words of the elder. The elder wishes they would be alive and well to see a better future but for now, they can only hope people stop harming queer people.

"As we fade in the dark Just remember you will always burn as bright"

The older queer people may have passed away but they want the younger generations to have a good life.

"Be strong and hold my hand Time, it comes for us, you'll understand We'll say goodbye today And I'm sorry how it ends this way If you promise not to cry Then I'll tell you just what I would say"

This shows the elder was really appreciated in the community since they have people with them in their final moments. They wish they would not be leaving that way (probable aids) but they still think younger generations need to learn about the problem and be strong enough to face it.

"I'll fail and lose this fight"

The elder already knows their own fate.

"Sometimes we must grow stronger And you can't be stronger when I'm gone When I'm here, no longer You must be stronger and"

The elder knows it will be hard for future generations who still feel like they need guidance to survive, but they hope the people they leave behind get stronger.

"I failed and lost this fight"

The elder queer couldn't avoid their future, as if from the beginning, it was meant to happen.

When the outro keeps repeating it could reflect how those are actually the last words (or at least sentiment) of the elder, and it will stay present in the community for a long time.

Kiss the Ring:

*This disc has two axes on the cover. Additionally, from here on out there are 2 weapons on the covers, which means the speaker is not alone anymore, but with someone who shares their "them against the world" feeling.*

Kiss the Ring is another song about the speaker's feelings against the system. However, this one and the next song in the disc have more rage on them. The speaker starts to lash out at authority and politicians who keep failing queer people.

"We kill the girls to get paid And put the whole damn room on the edge of the blade You'll get far, stay clean"

The speaker is mocking society's standards for people. They set dangerous beauty stereotypes only to get women to buy their products, reject measures that could help queer people (hormone treatment, counseling, etc) even if they know people could die because of the lack of it, and attribute failure to substances such as alcohol and drugs. Some queer people will turn to those substances because of the lack of support because society keeps making it hard to live, but big institutions don't care.

"And if the world stops believing, I'll keep believing

That the world could make a change (All I know is I won't stop believing) And put the suicide dolls as the last ones to mate (All I know is I won't stop believing)"

Although the speaker still has faith in a better future, they are angry about society putting queer people in a complicated position. Queer people create their own communities because they are pushed by the people who refuse to let them live. They insult and make everything more complicated up to the point of giving queer people trauma and mental health issues. The queer people affected by this are the only ones left to help themselves and others. Queer people are left at the back where they find each other.

"Come hard, stay clean (You're the next if you don't stop your creeping) And singing songs for the damned now (You're the next if you)"

The line on the back "You're the next if you don't stop your creeping" could be the authority's opinion about queer people: you will get in trouble if you are out/"explicit". Additionally, the songs for the damned could be a metaphor for people who think praying/conversion therapy will work as a "cure" for queerness.

"Hail! Hail! 'Cause the king is gone And if you don't stop believing, we'll keep believing"

This part could mean how conservatives celebrate when something bad happens to a politician or anyone famous who is in favor of queer rights. They tend to believe that there is a leader (like the people who believe there is an ANTIFA leader), but queer people will keep protesting and believing in a better life for everyone.

"You put the record on And live the life that you're making, shots that you're taking"

"So grab the cash and run And let the suits watch each other kill one another"

This is the speaker starts to get reckless. For them, it has become a matter of taking back at society. They want to live their life the best as they can, so they let themselves enjoy music, drink, and commit crimes since they will end up in trouble anyway for being queer. They steal money because they need it but also to get a sense of power over their life. The "suits" in this case would be politicians, the ones who say they want to help queer people against the ones who want them dead. Even if someone is fighting the good fight the speaker doesn't care for them anymore.

It doesn't matter if the words don't mean a thing You gotta kiss that ring"

The words could be the empty promises some politicians do to queer people. Many of them beg them to vote to protect their rights only to back off when it really matters. Kissing the ring means the absurdity of respecting people, authority figures, and institutions (the government) who don't want to be held accountable for queer people's rights.

"Move like the wolves, keep the faith There ain't a dry eye left in the back of the place Is it hard to stay clean?"

The speaker warns their community about the government since politicians don't have empathy for them (dry eyes)

"And if you all keep believing, I'll keep believing That the world drives the saints (All I know is I won't stop believing) And put the shotgun shells in the hills it makes (All I know is I won't stop believing)"

In this verse, the speaker mocks how authority loves to praise "pacific protests" but will still kill them. Most of the time when queer people organize a pacific gathering, they are met with violent repression.

"So come hard, stay clean (You're the next if you don't stop your creeping) Because they don't give a damn, now (You're the next if you)"

The speaker believes after so many failures that no politician cares for queer people.

"You got your leather on And live the life that you're making, shots that you're taking"

This could be referring to what kind of clothing queer people "tend" to wear. The idea is to just wear whatever you want and live your life.

"Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is, the king is gone

Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!"

Queer people celebrate a supposed leader that never existed because it is not about leaders, but the community.

"Fist up, head down Hail, hail to the king"

In this verse since the king is not "gone" it could mean the community is celebrating itself. They will keep fighting even if there's the risk of something bad happening, which is why they put their head down as a sign of being prepared for the worst.

Make Room:

Make Room is mainly the speaker setting the people who do not accept queer people or pretend to be allies as zombies. Queer people are most of the time used for gossip, instead of being treated as real people. The people who only care about gossip and getting to know who came out just to be disrespectful about it are people who do not have reasoning skills, making them zombies.

"Make room! Make room! Down on the coffin,​ there's a coffin or two Dead chic, so cool The cannibals are starving when they're looking at you"

This verse is about how dead queer people are seen just as numbers. The cisgender straight people's main concern most of the time is the funeral (what will people say, how to present the dead queer person etc), reflected on the line about the coffins. The dead girl represents dead queer people who attracted attention, making the zombies (society) wild to get the news and learn about everything that went wrong. They just want the gossip.

"Tank tops, jet stream Karate lessons with a killing machine White lines, nose bleeds I know you get excited when the cameras go Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta"

The speaker refers here to the kind of people who talk and treat queer people as means for gossip. They can be relaxed in their summer clothes with their private jets and do questionable things (drugs as mentioned with "white lines"), people with privilege. They get excited when a famous person reveals themselves to be queer and are able to get every single detail, however, they don't know (or don't care) that the spotlight can be stressful and harmful for famous queer people who come out. This is reflected by the "ratatata" the cameras make.

"Me and you, and all of this living dead Burning up in the sun, where the bodies add Sitting here with you, in misery Anybody gonna come and rescue me? La la la"

Here the speaker is talking with another queer person about how stressful people can be. They have to endure their questions and actions but even if they are miserable, they are together. The speaker's petition for someone to rescue them is mocking how some people "became" queer because the community pressured them into being queer.

"Make room! Make room! One day, you're gonna have explaining to do

Drag star, so cool There's only room for one man and the one is you, you, you"

This verse is just multiple wrong arguments that people make about queer people. A popular argument that homophobic/transphobic people use against queer people is how are they "going to explain" their identity or sexuality to others such as kids, elders, etc. Those kinds of people also have problems with drag artists. They may say they are letting drag artists live their lives, but they pressure them and their gender expression, reminding drag artists they are men and have to act like it. This argument is not only wrong because not all drag queens identify as men, but also does not consider drag kings.

"Got a taste for the cash and androgyny Anybody wanna come and rescue me?"

Androgyny is considered the combination of man and woman. This combination seems fashionable for multiple people and companies have decided to adopt it for profit. If it looks pretty it will sell. Multiple companies will present an androgynous person/model and show it off as their "queer representation".

"Well alright, well alright She's alright Everybody in the room is alright"

This could be a reference to the dead girl first mentioned in the song. Most people just want to pretend nothing bad is happening and that queer people are okay if comparing these times to years ago.

"Everybody wants to change the world Everybody wants to change the world But no one, no one wants to die!"

"We are never gonna change the world We are never gonna change the world 'Cause we are never gonna die!"

I see this as what the speaker thinks about activism after being vocal about queer issues during the whole album. They know protesting and being an activist is important for the queer community, and if they want society to change there will be sacrifices that no one wants to do. However, they also want to be happy and have a life of their own with the person they like. Maybe the change will be delayed and they will keep fighting for it, but not to the point of putting their happiness on the line anymore.

Surrender the Night:

*These last two songs have grenades on the cover because these ones are the tipping point for the speaker. They are done hiding their emotions and will explode at any second. It's a more aggressive weapon than the rest. The songs still talk about how society sucks for queer people, but the main focus for the speaker is the person they like and showing their feelings.*

Surrender the Night is a continuation (kind of) of The World is Ugly. If on The World is Ugly the speaker was afraid of confessing their feelings, on Surrender the Night they decide to be selfish and take control of the situation, take control of what makes them happy for once.

Everyone's a passenger, tonight Just another accidental on the freeway of this life

This night is important for the speaker, anything else doesn't matter.

We'll drive on and on and on and on We'll drive on and on And I'll remember this night when you're gone

The speaker and the love interest will leave everything behind, and the speaker wants their love interest to remember that night forever.

You surrender your heart I surrender every dream

Every weapon you've got Every secret that I keep

This is a deal the speaker proposes as a way to confess their feelings. If their love interest accepts being with them, nothing else will matter to the speaker. They will protect the love interest and will be completely honest with them.

You can fight this, all you want But tonight belongs to...

The love interest can fairly reject the speaker, but just for that one night, they will have to listen to what the speaker has to say.

Just another surgery, tonight Well, if you amputate the loneliness Anesthesia dims the lights

This is the speaker's opinion about their love interest. They are a complicated person who ignores their own problems by distracting themselves as if they wanted to disassociate from life and the pain. The speaker tells them they can do that, they can ignore their problems but by rejecting their emotions, they will also miss the good moments.

So dream on and on and on and on So dream on and on And I'll remember your eyes when you're gone

In this verse, the speaker encourages their love interest to follow their dreams instead of disassociating from life, and even if they don't end up together the speaker will remember them.

And I'll watch you in your sleep 'Cause tonight belongs to me You can fight this, all you want But tonight belongs to

The speaker will watch the other person sleep as a way to protect them and make sure they don't run away.

Sparks against the railing Distant phantoms wailing Through the windshield, sailing With these airbags failing

Here, the speaker is honest about how their lives will be if they're together. There will be chaos, people will talk, and they won't be able to control some situations.

But tonight belongs to me But tonight belongs to me But tonight belongs to me

The speaker reassures this to their love interest, expecting an answer.

Burn Bright:

And finally, we get to talk about my baby, the creme of the gays. This song in general is about finally accepting who you are, living as you want, and loving whoever you want; even if you know people are against it. If following the story from the previous song, this song is where they get together with their love interest and start a relationship. The speaker knows it won't be easy but they don't care.

So give me all you've got

I can take it

We walked alone in your city lights

Did you make it?

We lit the fire and it's burning bright

Did you take it?

Kissed all the boys in your city lights

Did you make it?

Left all the stars in your city nights

Can you fake it?

I lost my way in your city lights

Glad you made it

We stole the fire

And it's burning bright

Fire/stars/light is represented as strength the queer person has found in their identity, and it burns so brightly at the end of the album that they won't hide it anymore. Now that they have met another queer person and they are both out, the speaker trusts that it is possible to live as who you truly are, and they are not willing to hide anymore.

Not ashamed of what I am

I took the pills

For these empty nights

'Cause it makes me who I am

The speaker is not ashamed anymore of being queer but they still remember how it felt. How they had to cope with unhealthy copy because of the suffering of being against the world.

"They always told me that

"You never get to heaven"

With a love like yours

Well if you're lost little boy

The cameras pull you right back down, yeah"

Social/ expectations opinions are a heavy theme in the album, and it continues in the last song. It is not uncommon that society to treat queer people as little kids who don't know what they want or at least "should" want. Society will tell queer people that the way they want to love and/or exist is wrong. If a person dares to do something not straight or gender not conforming, society is there, like cameras, to judge that vulnerable moment and show it as a mistake. The speaker reflects on religion telling others "you won't get to heaven based on the things that you do" because people still use religion to discriminate against queer people.

"It's like a chemical burn

I'm peeling off your skin, yeah

And when you see your face

Well you'll never be the same again, yeah"

Queer people have to hear bad news, insults, misinformation, etc. every day. It takes a great toll mentally that can make people and that can be manifested physically, to the point that it hurts and/or to the point that people start noticing. Sadly, it's a kind of pain queer people have to live with for now until who knows when.

"Cause if you just stop breathing

I'll stop, stop my heart

I'll stop breathing too

[...]

Not ashamed of what I am

I'd trade the world for your city nights

'Cause it makes me who I am"

Queer people rely on each other, and the speaker relies on their significant other. The speaker would give up everything for the experiences they will get to share together.

"And though I missed the chance for this

I confess that I can't wait

Until it's gone

No I mean this every single day

Don't go if you got more to say

'Cause the world don't need

Another hopeless cause"

The speaker makes a small confession here. They are tired of society, of hiding, of fighting. They want the whole world to disappear just so they can be happy. They don't want to be part of "the fight" to make things better but they don't have any other choice. For them, the world cannot afford people doing nothing.

"Though it makes me who I am

'Cause it makes me who I am

And you made me who I am

And you made me who I am

Be afraid of what I am"

Although the speaker is done with people who don't do anything to fight against a society that doesn't accept them, they recognize that's who they were for so long. But now their significant other gives them the strength to leave all doubts and fear behind. The speaker is warning the world to be afraid of them because they are done being afraid of the world.

"We walked around in your city lights

'Cause it makes me who I am

I burned it all but im doing fine

'Cause I'll never fade away

If I steal the fire from your city nights

'Cause it makes me who I am

Who I am"

The speaker borrows strength from their significant other to go against the world, and in doing so they burn (jeje) relationships with other people, but they are okay with it. They will survive now that they are strong enough to stand up for themselves.

Conventional weapons sets someone in multiple stages of queer life and use weapons to portray life as a war with oneself, expectations, and society.

FIN

tldr: cw is gay af argue with the wall