#Ive finally managed to get to the point I wanted to write after like 12 pages of nonsense

[mahoushoujotechsupport]

ok weeks later i am finally continuing my gwitch rewatch lolz. time for episode 12.... someone PLEASE tell tumblr to stop erasing my posts just as im about to hit post and not being able to undo it because i had the longest write up and now here i am.... rewriting again and trying to remember what i'd written. i'm gonna scream lmao

this part feels so awful now that the series is over and thinking back on ep 24. miorine just comes to, all to see the doors closed and hear suletta's screams and sophie's gunshots on the other side. no doubt in my mind this girl probably dealt with awful nightmares about suletta dying after quiet zero

i know prospera did use this as another XP level up for aerial, but jeez, imagine how much confidence she has in suletta and eri to be able to say something like this. like not just that suletta will go to aerial, but that together they can take on the attackers who at the time prospera didn't know shit about

lmao i dont think ive ever felt so confidently about something that id bet my whole life ln it

ad stella universe is crazy because i can only think the big liberatarian ancap society is some silicon valley fascist's wet dream because how else do you explain the business management girl knowing 1337 hacker skills

stupid asshole

sophie and norea are such tragic characters to me goddamn. like how often were they practicing their piloting to be able to be good enough to join on a mission like this? were they upping their permet score during practice too?

and why exactly is it them who pilot the lfriths instead of someone else from DoF? we never really get a clear answer on why it has to be the teenage girls when later on we see there's a ton of grown men around. i think given what else we know of ad stella, though, it doesn't matter much when we have asticassia as a school for the elite that basically serves for furthering earthian oppression be it by force (ie. see guel's original plans for joining dominicus) or just continuing to further the spoils of space capitalism

when you think of it that way, i don't see DoF any different than say palestinians fighting back against oppression from IDF forces. unless you're a racist fuck, you can't blame palestinian kids for throwing rocks at IDF soldiers, so i can't really blame norea and sophie for joining the fight

to quote fanon:

National liberation, national renaissance, the restoration of nationhood to the people, commonwealth: whatever may be the headings used or the new formulas introduced, decolonization is always a violent phenomenon.

- Frantz Fanon, "Concerning Violence," The Wretched of the Earth

i really do wish they hadn't just sidelined DoF entirely lol if you subscribe even a smidgen to anti-colonialism, its hard not to sympathize with them and shaddiq/grassley girls. and here theyre actually fighting for a just cause and are deserving of sympathy unlike 0079’s fakeout with zeon.

flipping the UC spacenoid/earth dichotomy so that earthians are the exploited class is just good shit when you consider what fuckers like musk want to do lol and its not as set in stone as exploitation only happens on earth either. mercury sounds like an abandoned appalachian mining town at this point with people lured out by jobs and then left to fend for themselves once permet was found elsewhere and their utility to the spacian capitalist class has run dry. and though i take this one with a grain of salt because we never get hard confirmation or denial, the elans were supposedly spacians (norea calls him a spacian even after finding out el5n’s not the real elan and he doesnt say one way or the other).

enough marxist ramblings, here's a cool shot of lfrith ur

whoever added this, i love them

as much as i don't trust bandai with sulemio unless they reverse the mess they've made for themselves.... i just want to fucking know more about notrette so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!

badass shot of lfrith thorn to go with the ur one earlier

snitch boy starts his snitch arc

the whole way guel killing vim plays out felt like it was gonna lead to something cool at the time... it makes me even more mad now knowing that it very likely is all an homage to zeta and kamille stealing the mk-ii and then later watching his mom die lol (ffs we even have the guel episode later on stealing its title from a zeta episode). guel's entire character just leaves such a bad taste in my mouth with everything thats happened recently

to think that 15 mins later she'd just be all ditzy over pancakeing a man after basically peeing her pants here

prospera shooting a gun at quiet zero >>> prospera shooting a gun at plant quetta

this show and this fucking pose, man lmao

AERIAL REBUILD is going to be stuck in my head all night because of this episode.... but look at how fucking cool she looks!!!

okouchi if this is a line you wrote, you, sir, are a troll... her face now is literally just :<

if you have the rebuild aerial and you don't have her posed like this, then what are you even doing?

i still feel like secelia and rouji for sure had no idea how powerful aerial's gund-bit gun was in episode 17. like norea is scared shitless here and tells sophie and olcott to get the fuck away. we have olcott telling us that even though it has school regulations on, it's strong as fuck

that said, i don't think guel was in mortal danger given that the school restrictions don't let them aim at cockpits or whatever, but it sure would've fucked up the darilbalde

oh this line hurts lol

i don't think i ever paused on this frame before lol i really hope peil hags master plan here wasn't just to have el5n get all rapey like he does later on. i mean, probably not and that was moreso el5n's desparate attempts to stay alive given he barely gets a chance to do anything before school shootings 1 and 2 bring everything to shit

comparing this frame versus suletta inside calibarn in ep 24 and suletta is still just a baby at this point in the show lmao she looks like a little teddy bear vs kakkoii ikemen suletta

paused on this frame and it honestly looks cool as hell lmao

and we made it to THE scene

you know, as i said in prior rewatch posts, i had been watching via GJM's fansubs at this point and was gonna wait for them to release their version of episode 12... however, that same suletta sunday i logged on to twitter and immediately got spoiled on this scene lmao so i needed to find out what the fuck happened and stopped waiting on fansubs (i did rewatch later on)

it really is such an amazingly well done scene though like goddamn lol

now that the show's over, i do kind of wonder if there could have been something other than this to become the spark of tension between suletta and miorine. with the exception of sophie (which arguably was more eri's victim than suletta's), suletta never kills anyone again in the show. her final fight ends up being against the gund nodes being commanded by eri lol so she just fights unmanned drones. it's an interesting decision considering the gundam franchise as a whole

i know it's meant to contrast against shaddiq's by any means necessary approach and prospera's willingness to do the same if someone tries to hinder her plans to help eri... but i really just can't get behind the whole violence is always bad no exceptions message behind the show. i do appreciate that shaddiq's plan basically still came to fruition and that it ends up being an in-world analogue to nationalization of industry. and it's really a cherry on top to have sabina call out whether that was for the best - not just that they nationalized industry but that nothing else was done to stop those who don't agree with what miorine did. history has given us countless examples of countries that nationalize various industries just for the united states military to come in and make some shit up and stage a coup and hand over said industry to whatever shithead capitalists were being piss babies about it at the time

lmao i know we're all mad about a lot of the yuri being left on the table because of bandai execs, but i wonder how much of the anti-capitalist message got left on there too. they really had a chance to make guel a real hero and he's just... not lol. episode 15 makes me mad not because it's a guel episode but because nothing ever actually came from DoF existing. like what was the point?

if they just wanted to humanize DoF a bit and introduce the kid that guel and kenanji run into later on, that could have taken half an episode given the insane pacing they chose to go by during the 2nd cour

regardless, i'll still savor little bits here and there

ok lmao i feel like my original post was way better than this and it took me double the time now to make this post but whatever. gonna try to get through some more eps this weekend

[bomberqueen17]

Are you a published author? I adore your peace tied series and how you handle characters with immense trauma and how you write younger people and children. Ive read a lot of your other work as well and throughly enjoyed it even though its about characters I dont usually like. Also elves being rodents is wonderfully cursed and I think about it 12 times a day

Ha, no, I am only published on AO3. I have had too much trouble keeping focus on original works; writing original stuff is so lonely, nobody wants to read it, and I rely so heavily on having people to bounce ideas off, having regular commenters responding to what I've put out, having people to talk to, that I have never managed to finish an original work. (My first serious attempt, in 2004, ballooned to over a million words before I gave up; I could keep going, but I couldn't do anything productive with it, and couldn't conclude it. If you look back at my AO3 history you can see that after having quit writing entirely, and then finally letting myself pick up fanfic again, I steadily chronologically improve how far I get in finishing stories and series, until the Star Wars stuff in 2016ish I think, which is notably an enormous, finished, coherent series. (The offshoot stuff, I did not finish, but had never intended to; I was only ever going to write that until I ran out of time, which is what happened.)

So I've basically been teaching myself extreme long-form writing with fanfic, but the most important thing I've been teaching myself is how to manage ideas and how to finish them. The Witcher, as we round the corner into my third year of writing it, has let me explore a lot of things including collaborations with other writers and with an artist, which has been really exciting.

So I do have, as an ultimate goal, the idea that I'll hopefully find enough collaborators to help me finish some original works-- I have a couple of ideas I have been nurturing along for years, some for decades at this point. But the journey has really been the fun bit, for a while now.

I'm glad you're enjoying the journey with me! :)

[actualbird]

luke illness hc anon here from a while back hfjsjd-

first of all, YAY FOR MORE DEPICTIONS OF LUKE'S ILLNESS!!! secondly, ngl when he started losing his strength on his right arm i most definately went "CALLED IT!!!" but as a luke pearce stan i want to Cry.

// spoilers for tot main story 9

i assume these are two different anons, but i'll answer them both in one go since theyre talking about the same main topic and referencing the same past post!!

@ anon 1: oooooOOHH WAIT R U THE ANON who asked me this question months back for headcanon's on luke's illness? if yes, hi again! and RIGHT RIGHT YESSSS MORE INFORMATION AND ESCALATING SYMPTOMS AND U TOTES CALLED IT. i love it, it's a double edged sword of enjoyment cuz on one hand im so satisfied seeing a progression of his illness finally after it being in limbo for the longest time but...

on the other hand....

.....yeah i wanna cry too KJVAJFHVSKFAKFS

the arm thing was such a nice detail. nerve damage does a Lot and it was very satisfying to see it escalate from pain episodes (i.e. nerves firing the wrong kinda signals) to an entire limb's momentary loss of sensation/motor skills (i.e. nerves just....NOT firing signals at all for a moment)

i mentioned in that previous linked ask that ive also got a neuro condition (not severe just annoying), so more symptoms i'd like to see (or if it doesnt happen in canon, fun for fanfic to play around with) from luke's illness progression would be the following: involuntary movement (i.e. nerves firing the wrong kinda signals but in the motor skills department), nerve issues in other extremities (ive had involuntary movement issues hit one of my legs while sitting and i just spasm'd outta my seat), and nerve problems exacerbated by stress (also common for me, the more freaked i am the more common a bunch of these get....sORRY I REALIZE IM JUST OFFLOADING ALL MY OWN SYMPTOMS ONTO LUKE AHAHAHAA), and troubles with finer motor skills (use of fingers, hands, wrists. luke handles weapons often....whatd happen if his grip strength went awry when hes holding a knife? a gun? many thoughts)

the nervous system is weird and complicated. seeing this new neurodegenerative symptom from luke feels very much like the beginning of more to come. also, luke needs a hug. he needs so many hugs. and more medical treatment thats not just "the strong pill [painkiller]" that luke called aaron for in that one scene, LUKE PLEASE JHDVJFHSD. OTL

@ anon 2: IT'S SO NOT A BAD THING AT ALL IM ALSO RLLY GLAD TO SEE THIS, as i write in the first portion of this response. like, it's not that we Want to see luke in pain and fearing his illness getting worse and worse, it's that the illness has been here since the beginning and it is beyond satisfying to see it no longer be something static, for it to change and affect the story, affect luke's character and how he interacts with others.....

i also totally dont want him magically cured JHVDFJSDVFK like, with how much Worse it's gotten, his recovery has to take into account how hard the journey has been thus far, both narratively and medically. i uh. um. [VERY VERY VAGUE SPOILERS FOR CN SERVER AHEAD but] i saw a spoiler from future main story 12 that definitely shows that luke is not magically cured at that point and is getting worse

so, HELL YEAH, BIG WIN FOR PEOPLE WHO WANNA SEE THIS PROGRESS!! but also //loud sobbing

huge HUGE agree that luke's illness and chronic symptoms are nice to see from a representation perspective. when the arm thing happened while i was playing i was first like "OMG WE'RE TWINNING!!!" and then i was like "OH NO" jashfvKJHVKJHK

my hopes for luke's illness eventually becoming a have-to-longterm-manage-this-for-the-rest-of-his-life-but-it-wont-kill-him chronic condition is still very true. it's something i have a lot of feelings about

//holds luke gently....

[meikostan]

OK finally watching oshi no ko anime, it turns out all i needed was to go outside for like an hour and im normal again

my thoughts under the cut (writing as i watch) (long) (lots of thoughts) (beautiful and true?) (manga reader) (don't read if anime only) (spoilers) (seriously) (i talk alot) (lots of thoughts)

at this point i've reread oshi no ko enough times that even if i didnt already know japanese i could probably make it without the subs SDJLF but its so cool to see lines and panels that im so familiar with brought to life!! i also liked goro's death scene, especially the way they used static and cut between shots. i keep on pulling out my physical copies of onk (well mostly vol 1) and pointing at my screen and the corresponding part of the book like

2. AIIIII little known fact about me is that ai is genuinely my favorite character... WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE SHE DIES IN THE FIRST VOLUME. seriously we only ever get to see her after this when a. her name or demeanor is invoked by another character b. aqua has his numerous mental breakdowns or c. flashbacks (including but not limited to aqua's mental breakdowns). i am always down for ai content!!!

3. its so much easier to ignore the weird vaguely sexual stuff from their babyhood because i know the rest of the series is normal and cool and not into that sort of stuff👍

4. speaking of normal yayayay it's aqua back when he was actually normal and not "normal" :D like he is just a baby. do you think now that oshi no ko is popular people will get into internet arguments about whether you can ethically have aqua as your favorite character post-normalification. actually wait this may already have been happening in the dark depths of some discord server out there.. but i dont use discord so im blissfully unaware

5. OH i dont think ive seen all of the OG b komachi before? or at least not in high detail. epic!

6. infant ruby telling people on the internet "kys" before age 2... truly a model twitter user

7. not gonna lie i havent really ever liked the way babies are drawn here (including manga)... idk their heads just look way too big like adult heads drawn on toddler bodies then ""cutified"". but this is a personal gripe

8. do you think because of infantile amnesia the twins forgot about the whole pretending to be amaterasu moment. do you think miyako still remembers. can you imagine being the foster mother of two kids who you believe to be gods sent to earth. do you think she remembers that she was "charged by the gods with keeping ai's secret" and then aqua. you know.

9. imagine: you married the ceo of a mid production company because you want to date hot men. there are no hot men in sight. you have to watch over one of the idol's twin infant babies. they reveal to you that they are divine messengers of god and also they can speak normally. there are no hot men in sight. you tend to their every need because you don't want divine retribution. you explain the intricacies of the idol industry in detail every couple of days when they complain about the injustices of the world. there are no hot men in sight. you become their foster mom after they witness the traumatic death of their mother, whose secrets you where charged with keeping safe. at least 12 years pass. they never mention any of this again. you manage the idol group one of them is in. there are still no hot men in sight. your name is miyako. every day you wake up.

10. i like how gotanda gives his business card to a toddler. whats he gonna do, call you on his fisher price dial phone? well actually nevermind aqua is probably the only other toddler (alongside ruby) who could make use of a business card

11. KANAA LETS FUCKING GOOOOO but also nothing will ever top 'lick a lying snitch/flick a crying switch'...... nothing ever... :( also taking the opportunity now to say ive always found it hilarious she assumed 'aqua' is his stage name and not his actual legal name, that's how ridiculous it is DSKLFJ

12. sobbing at the ruby ai dance... dont even have that many words i just really like it.. do you guys think ai was thinking about her own mom [& abuse/lack of relationship thereof]? not even just in this scene but in her more serious moments when she's thinking about her kids it's like "i want to make millions so they can go to the nicest schools and have the nicest things" "i want my daughter to dance freely and happily and i will support her in this" which ig can also be excused as 'thats just what a normal parent wants' but idk i like taking into consideration her own past and lack of parental support when looking at the way she tries to raise her children (not that she exactly got a chance to, even while still alive)

13. also i realized at this point that ep 1 is like an hour long not just because of the whole 'we gotta make sure no one drops this before the reveal that shows what this story's actually gonna be about', but also because it would be kinda awkward to have cut any of these scenes out? or not like out completely but like from each other. like if we had ended ep 1 at for example where they do their silly baby dance and go twitter viral (chapter 5 aka the midpoint of vol 1). that wouldve been terrible. but we can't cut it any earlier, or any later. ai's death feels like the natural conclusion to this problem. also i can't really see much of the other sections being stretched out to fit a full episode length being done very well. having ep 1 be a full 90 minutes lets them be as long as they need to be, aka a 1:1 adaptation of the manga.

14. oh boy chapter 9 time

15. i don't have anything to say about ai's outlook that has not already been said but this is the scene that made her my favorite character. not being able to tell at what point your lies become reality.. not really knowing if you've ever loved or been loved truly because your entire concept of 'love' was based off insincerity necessary for survival.. and now not ever being given the chance to explore what 'real love' means to you. FUCK

16. aww i love all these little family moments they added! very cute ^_^

17. yayy go kids get traumatized ^_^ also for some reason i remember the stalker as having really light hair o-0 fascinating. i remembered his name though!! just like ai fr

18. speaking of hair i also did not realize saitou was blond i thought he had brown hair..

19. hey the bandana (? i forget the word) guy holding the ai fan sign during the news montage is from one of the intros to the vol 1 chapters where hes like 'oh yeah i wonder where those dancing babies are now'!

20. another part of that montage shows a house with a wii in it, which came out november 19 2006. characters are shown using twitter which started earlier that same year; it was a pretty popular website even in 2008, but the mobile app only became a thing in like 2010. i'm seeing a mix of flip phones and smart phones so this has gotta take place sometime around 2010. it's kinda difficult to tell exactly what age the twins are in the main story because like the first page of vol 2 has ruby listing her age as 14, but - and the proof is not at my finger tips rn - i swear to god they're like 16 at this point. i have legitimate reasons to believe this but i need to grab exact proof adding to that we also have 15 years of lies, which if im remembering right would be referring to the twins age? i was trying to logic out exactly what year oshi no ko takes place in even though i already know the answer is 'in the modern day' but anyway yeah i'll just finish my episode and move on

21. THE IPHONE RUBY IS HOLDNIG HAS A HEADPHONE JACK. i want so badly to say that's an iphone 4 but there's like a separation between that and the power button. i also dont have an iphone 4 with me so i cant check it irl :( but anyway the iphone 4 was released in 2010, meaning the evidence is piling up for this part of the story taking place some time around 2010. or maybe i'm looking too deeply into this and should go back to actually watching the episode.

22. this is reminding me i was gonna write a fic specifically about this time period where the twins go to therapy and have to adjust to life without ai, having miyako graduate from fake mom to actual mom, aqua faking being fully recovered from the incident so he'd be released from therapy (fic concept was inspired from him stating this in like vol 6), etc. i never did because i spent like 3 hours researching play therapy and never got anywhere with it.. but maybe...

23. THE KIDS HAVING TO WATCH HER FUNERAL THROUGH THE FUCKING CAR WINDOW... I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF

24. YESS AQUA NORMALIFICATION COMPLETE

25. AM I INSANE OR IS THAT AKANE? HER HAIR COLOR IS THE SAME BUT IT'S SO SHORT

26. MEM!!!!

27. AHHH POST CREDITS AI MAKING HER VIDEO FOR THE TWINS "i don't think i'll still be an idol by then" YEAH BUT AT WHAT COST 😭

FINAL THOUGHTS: i liked it alot ^_^ i dont really watch that much anime anymore (not that i watched an incredible amount before, but i am familiar with it) but i really liked this. i think they did a very good job of adapting the first volume! i know the rest of the episodes will be not-film length which does make me a bit sad because i think it would work out well, or at least not badly, if they were. it does also make me really excited for the future, seriously i will actually explode when i see the theater arc in full. cannot wait to see aqua mental breakdowns and ruby evil arc and and and and

the only thing i would've liked is if they could somehow have found a way to incorporate the pre-chapter intro scenes from the manga where they're talking about 15 years of lies, interviews with their pre-school teacher, etc. though both the pre-school teacher and the aforementioned bandana guy appear which may have been their way of doing it? like adding a fun detail for obsessives like myself to point at like 'my god it's those guys from exactly 2 panels in the manga'

tumblr ate my post and erased everything up to #2 while i was writing it and i was about to flip but it turns out that it automatically saves posts while youre writing them now and it was in my drafts safe and sound soooo crisis averted ^_^ anyway those were my thoughts on ep 1

[disabled-dragoon]

Decided to completely overhaul the story I was working on, split it into two separate ones instead and start again. From scratch.

[fwkei]

Remember...?

Draken x fem!reader (mainly fluff slight angst)

Finally got my first request yall 🥳 I couldn’t strictly follow the request like i wanted to but i hope thats alright, the gist is still there. anyways thank you sm for it and i hope you enjoy 

TW/CW: Mentions of sex, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex work

WC: 7k (omg the most ive ever written🙆🏻‍♀️)

Note: I changed my writing style a bit for this request so i hope yall don’t mind! and again i dont read my stuff over so my apologies if theres any mistakes lmao

------------------------------------

You sat on the street, overheating as you watched the ‘heat waves’ coming off the ground. You held your hair up with one of your hands since you had nothing to tie it with, while the other held a lukewarm water bottle. You sighed, you felt so anxious and frustrated.

What now?  

You thought letting your mouth part due to your heavy breathing 

You took things too fast. It had been about 3 weeks since you left your parents ‘home’ and why did you leave? Well there were a number of reasons that are a bit too much to list, but all that matters now is that you’re completely and utterly on your own. 

You only managed to scavenge small jobs here and there to get some money to buy some basic necessities but nothing more. 

“Sorry Y/n, my niece is coming down to Tokyo and I told her she could have a job here and stay at the studio above...I’m gonna have to let go. I’m sorry.” said your boss to you only a couple hours ago, with pity filled eyes 

“...No it’s fine really! I understand.Thank you for taking me in while you could.” you said bowing your head at the man, biting your inner cheek trying to keep a level head 

“I’m happy you understand. You can leave your apron and hat on the cashier. On your way out.” he said patting your shoulder as you slowly brought your head up 

“Right..” you said taking off your apron and hat as you walked slowly to the cashier, placing it down 

You brought your hands to your temples out of stress, trying to figure out what you could do now. You only had very little money, and there was a heat wave striking Japan this week. At least your boss allowed you to live and pay rent in the small studio right above his store, which had an AC, but now that was for his niece.  

This had been the first time in a while where you had no idea what to do. You had always been the type of person to be able to take care of yourself and your problems..on your own. All your life since you can remember, you always had to be the one to take care of others, not that you mind or minded...but you were only so young. You never really had a childhood, at least not that you can remember. You do remember cleaning up after your parents who lost all will just to even... parent. You remember taking jobs as a babysitter at a really young age in your apartment complex to make some money.. You remember being the reliable older kid of your school and complex, where kids would come to you asking for help with things like homework all the way to buying something for them to eat because they were hungry. Not once did you ever say no, because you really did want to be there for those kids who’s parents didn’t give them the care they needed. But it just became too much.. You ended up spending all of your saved up money on them, just so they could have something to play with or something to eat. 

Before you even realized it, you were in your last year of high school, with no money saved over, no scholarships, no one to rely on but yourself. Not even a friend. Was it really the right thing to do? Use all your money that you worked so hard for to help kids he lived next door? Or just plain stupid? You knew you couldn't support them forever...but you tried so hard to. All you wanted was to give them a childhood they never had, and someone to look up too. But now you left them. All because you were frustrated. You felt so unbearably guilty. All the work you put into your studies to get at least some type of scholarship just went to waste because you couldn't handle your life anymore. You were being so so so stupid. 

Before you even knew it, the sun was going down, and you grew even more tired and sleepy. You signed, taking a jacket out of your bag and placing it on the ground so you could rest your head on it. You brought your hands to cushion your cheek as your eyes started to close. The air finally got a little cooler making it easier to breathe and well...do anything. 

As you were falling asleep you could hear chatter and laughing, and finally a tap on your shoulder waking you up. You cringed your eyes before opening them up more to see 2 women. One had blonde hair and the other had pinkish hair. They looked older than you, maybe in their 20’s. One held a bag and the other held a bottle of wine with two glasses, they bent down so their heads could be closer to yours. After examining you for a bit they turned to each other and smiled happily before turning back their gaze to your confused face. 

“Hey?” you said sitting up more, a little startled by the intimate contact they were giving you 

“Hey there, say...what’s a pretty girl like you sleeping on the street for?” asked the girl with pinkish hair that was tied into pigtails 

“I uh..don’t have a place right now so..” you said scratching your head 

“Really? Hmmm.” said he one with blonde hair 

“How old are you? And what’s your name? I think we can help you out! Woman to woman!” said the pink haired girl smiling sweetly making you feel fuzzy at their niceness 

“18, and it’s Y/n.” you said smiling nervously 

“Nice to meet you Y/n, I’m Remi, this is Rema, my twin sister.” said the pink haired girl pointing to the blonde as she waved sweetly 

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you too..!” you said bringing your hands to your thighs smiling 

“So did you just turn 18?” asked Rema 

“Sorta, 2 months ago, why?” you asked 

“Oh good!” they both said 

“Well, it’s your choice really. One of the girls left today, and the boss sent us to scout another girl to take her place, buttt we just went to buy food with no intentions of finding someone but luckily we just found you! It’s perfect!” said Remi 

“Oh? What work?” you asked getting excited 

“Oh silly, we live in a brothel! It’s really not all that bad you know, great pay and rooms...so what do you think?” asked Rema 

“A brothel..” you said under your breath 

Your mind was in a serious state of concentration. 

It can’t be all that bad, right? You just have to please people and go on with your day so… that’s what i've been doing my whole life… plus… there's a bunch of women in those things right? I probably won't get too much attention from customers if there's sweethearts like Remi and Rema walking around...so...just for the time being… I think it could really work out in my favor. 

You thought to yourself 

You brought your head up, giving the girls a closed eyes smile before shaking your head ‘yes’ making them jump in excitement. 

“Oh good!” yelled Remi grabbing your hands 

“I’m so excited! We haven't had a new girl in years! How do you think Ken will react?” asked Rema smiling as you 3 all started to walk 

“Ken?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows at the familiar name 

“Oh right, We’ll have to introduce you to him and everyone else tomorrow. He’s the bosses foster kid..I think you two are actually the same age.” said Rema bringing her pointer finger to her chin 

“Mhm mhm! Oh and since you're new, tomorrow I will take your pictures for the board, you can borrow one of my sets till you can afford to buy one for yourself, how does that sound Y/n?” asked Remi smiling and holding your hand 

“It sounds..great! Thank you so much.” you said bowing your head slightly 

“No worries! Hopefully the boss will take you in.” said Remi patting your head 

“Yeah..” you said as you 3 continued to walk to the brothel 

You couldn't seem to get your mind off of that familiar name..Ken? You swore you knew someone named that. It definitely wasn't a popular name so it’s not like you knew it from some type of T.V program.. After thinking hard your whole way to your new home you couldn't seem to remember them. The person named Ken. And so you decided to brush it off for the time being. 

The brothel was pretty big, and consisted of 12 girls, not including yourself. It was really late so everyone was asleep. Remi and Rema showed you to your room which was much more spacious than your room at home. They told you that you were allowed to decorate it and style it however you wanted. But they told you it was important to know that this was the room where business would be done, and not to leave important things around since some of the men came into brothels for the sole purpose of stealing. Remi even told you a story about how one of her clients tried to steal one of her panites, but then the boy named Ken stopped him by knocking him out with one punch to the stomach.   

“He sounds strong-” you laughed as they gave you a small tour 

“He sure is! Like the bodyguard of this place! He’s a sweetheart!” said Remi smiling 

“I’m sure..!” you smiled 

“Alright that’s about it, you should shower now and get ready for tomorrow. The boss will probably wanna take a look at you before seeing if he wants you. But I'm sure he will! You're pretty so it’ll go smoothly!” said Remi handing you her shower stuff for you to use for tonight and a set 

“Got it, and again...thank you so much. I really appreciate it.” you said again 

“Of course! Remember..we’re neighbors so feel free to knock whenever you need something..Also I can give you some tips before your first client so you know what to do.” she said smiling 

“Right, goodnight then!..” you said feeling your face get hot at how she so easily talked about sex. 

After that, you did exactly as she said, you showered. You thoroughly washed your body, face, and hair. Getting out you looked down at the set Remi gave you. It was just a black bra and matching panties with a silk cover up which made you feel better knowing you could cover up with that.  

You rubbed your mouth as you started to rethink your decision. I mean...you respected sex workers..but was this life what you were willing to settle for? Aimlessly waiting around for some random horny man to choose you and do things with you just for you to get only 40% of the payment? Was this all really worth it? Leaving home to avoid your problems...to end up here? You were grateful, yes, Remi and Rema were so sweet and open with you. You could only hope that the others were just as nice. You really wanted things to go well, and that can only start with some good rest. 

You woke up to a knock on your door, to see Remi and Rema walking in with a smile 

“Morninggg!” they sang as you quickly got out of bed 

“Hi!” you said frantically 

“No need to rush! Usually men start coming in at 10, but since you don't work here officially yet you got to sleep in a bit! But the boss called for you, you should go to the set up room down the hall to get ready, remember it?” asked Rema 

“Yeah I do. Thank you for waking me-!” you said smiling and grabbing your stuff and shoes 

“Course, good luck Y/n!” they said as you quickly walked out of your room to get ready 

As you walked in, there were a few other girls getting ready. You smiled and introduced yourself to them, and them to you. They were all so nice and pretty. It made you feel a little bit better about being here, and less nervous since they complimented your looks. You got ready in about 10 minutes, letting one of the other girls help you out with your hair and stuff like that. You gave yourself one last look in the mirror before stepping out and waving to the girls ‘bye.’ 

You nervously walked to the boss's door. You took a deep breath before knocking. You heard a muffled ‘come in!’ so you walked in smiling while holding your covering close. You gave a nervous closed eyes smile before seeing his office was simple, just a desk with a bunch of papers and a chair on the other side. 

“Y/n, correct?” he asked placing down his paper and taking off his glasses to look at you

“Yes.” you said smiling 

“Pleasure-” he said leaning over the desk to shake your hand 

“Likewise.” you said smiling, shaking his hand firmly before sitting down

“Well, I’m sure Remi and Rema told you just about everything you need to know, I take 60% of your earrings, I use that stuff to pay for rent and bills for you girls and my kid… which usually takes up about 30% of that 60%, meaning you make a profit of 40, while I make only a profit of 30 per girl.” he said 

“Yeah, I was told.” you said smiling nervously fiddling with your hands

“Good good, now that that's over with..” he said getting up ad signing 

“I’m just gonna take a look at you, no need to be nervous I’m not gonna touch you or anything, so please don’t feel worried.” he said smiling 

“Right!” you said getting up 

“Alright just do a quick 360 with arms up.” he said smiling 

“Okay.” you said doing as he said 

He looked you up and down but not in a lustful way at all, it was more of like a ‘just seeing how you’ll hold up’ kinda look, almost like he was a bit worried for you. 

“Thank you-” he said sitting back down as you did the same feeling nervous

“I was also told you’re 18? Right?” he asked looking down at his papers 

“Yeah that's right.” you said 

“Well I don't usually have this talk with the other woman because they're older. I know the age of consent in Japan is 16 and blah blah, but you’re still pretty young, are you sure you wanna work like this?” he asked looked into your eyes 

“...Not entirely but it’s the best I can do right now.” you said with a determined face

“I see- we’ll then welcome, and just remember you can leave whenever you want, but give a 2 weeks notice. When Remi is done, ask her to take your picture.” he said 

“Understood, thank you!” you said said smiling and leaving   

You walked out of the room, closing the door carefully signing in relieve 

That went pretty well.

You thought 

You started to walk down the hall so that you could ask Remi to take your picture. But when you put your ear to the door, you heard lewd noises letting you know she wasn’t done just yet. It was already 5, and the brothel closes at 10. You didn’t really know what to do, so you walked over to the kitchen, sitting down at one of the stools waiting for Remi and or Rema to finish up with their work. You tapped the pen that was on the table and started to look around the kitchen. You remembered Remi told you there were snacks in the cabinets, so you got up and started to open and close them one by one to find something to eat. You finally found a cabinet filled instant ramen, you grabbed one and started to pour water into it, popping it into the microwave that was on the counter top. You stood in front of it waiting, playing with the loose strings of you covering when suddenly you heard the door open. 

“I’m home.” said the tall boy with dark hair tied back to reveal a dragon tattoo on the side of his head 

Is this Ken? 

You thought as the microwave beeped, making his eyes turn to you

You quickly shot your eyes to the microwave, hoping he didn’t notice your stare. He looked so familiar it was almost irritating how you couldn’t remember him. You took the hot cup out of the microwave, placing it down on the counter top, ignoring his presence as he walked over, placing down the plastic bag in his hand, noticing your frustrated face trying to figure out where the utensils are. 

“Left of the sink are where they are.” he said sitting down on the stool across from you after looking at your face a bit 

“Thank you.” you said smiling nervously turning around to grab a pair of chopsticks 

“Are you new here?” he asked taking out a styrofoam box from the plastic bag, opening it to reveal a hot meal of meat and rice and vegetables 

“Yeah..I was supposed to start today but I don’t have my pictures taken yet.” you said smiling turning back to mix your noodles 

“Could you grab me a pair too?” he asked realizing he forgot to take a pair of chopsticks from the restaurant 

“Sure-” you said turning back quickly to grab some for him, placing it in his hands as he gave you a soft smile making your eyes widen slightly. 

“You look familiar..” you both said at the same time making both your eyebrows raise in shock then turn into a slight scoff from the both of you 

“Glad we’re on the same page then.” he said taking a bite of his food as you did the same still standing 

“You know you can sit down, don’t feel nervous.” he said looking up you slightly 

“..yeah.” you said smiling, walking around and sitting next to him. 

“So when’d you come?” he asked turning his head slightly to see your mouth filled with noodles making him smile a bit 

“..I came by last night, really late with Remi and Rema.” you said after finishing your bite

“I see...I feel like I remember you from somewhere, can’t pinpoint it though.” he said looking back down at his food 

“Same here, and you must be Ken though, right? When I first heard your name I swore the same thing but I just can’t remember..” you said before sipping some of the broth of your soup

“Yeah, but you can call me Draken and your name?” he asked getting up to grab a napkin from across the table 

“Draken...sure! Oh right, my bad. It’s Y/n. Nice to meet you-” you said smiling holding your hand out for him to shake

He only completely shot up to look into your eyes with his wide ones. You gave him a confused look as you watched him get knocked out of his thoughts, bring his hand up to shake your hand before clearing his throat and walking back over to sit. Maybe you struck a nerve? Maybe had the same name as someone who hurt him in the past? You really didn’t know but it made you feel interested. He looked like he just had his life flash before his eyes or something. 

“Are you okay?” you asked 

“Uh yeah, I’m fine. My head just hurts a bit.” he said looking as if he was deep in thought 

“Oh? I have some tylenol in my room.. You want one? Or I can make you a cold drink, you’re probably dehydrated?” you asked smiling a bit 

Draken turned his head to look at you, his mouth was parted, and he just looked so..anxious? You couldn’t even tell, almost like congested because he wanted to say something. 

Draken felt his heartbeat quicken when he heard your name. As soon as you said it, a random memory that was buried deep in the back of his mind hit him as he quickly re-lived it. But could it really be you? The Y/n he knew from so so so long ago? Around 10 years ago? There could be no way, he remembers the girl moving to a different city..the chances were so low that it could really be you already. 

But the second you said those words.. Those words of offering to make something for him, or give him something, despite you thinking you only just met him...Made him know that it was really the Y/n he met when he was only a little boy...but how the hell did you turn up here? In a place and part of town like this? He was so confused and just wanted to ask you...but you still didn’t remember him. 

“..No I’m alright, thanks..can I ask you somethin-” said Draken before being interrupted 

“Y/n!! Come on, let's take your pictures!” yelled Remi coming out of her room waving as a man walked out too buttoning his shirt 

“Sorry, just remember what you wanted to say and tell me later.” you said smiling and standing up and walking over to Remi

Draken watched you as you walked away. He saw Remi give you a hug, and the man that was walking out checked you out to which Draken gave him a pissed off look. Making the man smile nervously, wave, and leave. 

Do you really wanna live your life like this, Y/n?

He thought to himself before packing up his trash and throwing it away

Remi took your pictures, telling you to do different poses etc, and you finally settled on one. You walked over to the front of the house to place your picture in its designated area above your name. You signed, stepping back to look at it, fixing your gaze to see Draken was walking over with his hands in his pocket, looking as he was going to leave. You saw him glance at the photo making you feel slightly embarrassed.

“Nice.” he said smiling but looking into your eyes in a way where it looked like he was concerned for you. 

Just as you were about to thank him a man walked in and started looking at you making you feel nervous. The man requested you, and so you smiled at him pointing your hand to where the showers were, as you started to walk behind him, you turned your hand giving a thumbs up to Draken with a nervously flushed face, smiling, as he he brought his hand up giving you a thumbs up with soft and concerning eyes before opening the door and leaving. It made your smile fade slightly, you’ve seen that face before from him. But not from today.. And it was all you could think about during your work. 

As you laid in your room, after work you couldn’t help but feel a little bit...stupid? You felt so unsatisfied, not because of your customers but because you just couldn’t remember. It felt like an itch you couldn’t scratch hard enough, and with every interaction you had with the boy almost felt like a tease, like the itch just became more itchy and your scratches just became more weak. Maybe if you spend more time with him, you’ll remember? 

It had been about 4 weeks, 4 weeks of saving your money, and every 4 weeks the boss collected his fair share of the cut. It wasn’t a pretty 4 weeks, it was probably the worst 4 weeks of your life. But... you and Draken would often exchange stories about your lives late at night which you enjoyed a lot. It always makes you feel better. But yet again you still couldn't figure him out. You felt as though you’ve met him before, and as though you two have had these kinds of talks before. 

Draken only grew more and more helpless, seeing how you still haven’t remembered. He was slowly watching your life crumble. He felt so angry that you settled and believed you deserved to live like this, barely scraping by. He felt so awful, and saw how you grew so tired of it all. He just so badly wanted you to remember him, so that he could once again talk to you like he did before.

You had one last customer before closing, going through your usual routine, this n that, the man offered you a drink. You stupid obliged drinking it, hoping it would make your time more enjoyable but you were wrong, so very wrong, and so very stupid for drinking that stupid drink. You remember some parts, you did your job, then it all went black.. You woke up after hearing knocking on your door. You jumped out of bed, confused. You remember seeing the man leave as you started to fall asleep but that's about it. Usually you never fall asleep after the work because you never do much, your mind started to panic. But the door opened revealing Remi smiling.

“Hey sleepy! Boss says it’s your turn, come on, get your cash!” she said smiling 

“Right let me just..it’s in my drawer..I don't know why I fell asleep so fast I think alcohol makes me sleepy.” you said getting out of bed and kneeling in front of your drawer to get the envelope of cash you had been saving.

“Heh, same here. I never accepted drinks from clients..they never had good intentions with that!” she said coming over and sitting at your bed 

“..yeah.” you said starting to feel that panic arise in your body when seeing the envelope was...gone.

“What's wrong?” asked Remi noticing you were frozen 

“I- the money..It’s gone..he took it..” you said with wide eyes feeling as though you were about to sob realizing you had just lost thousands of yen.

“Don’t say that..it..it probably just got misplaced! Come on, I'll help you look!” said Remi getting up  

You couldn't even respond because of the amount of panic you were in. Your heart was racing and you felt tears fall from your eyes. After about 15 minutes of looking, you two found nothing. Absolutely nothing. You sat on the floor with your hand over your mouth, again, trying to keep a level head. 

What now..?

You thought to yourself feeling hot tears stream from your face.

“Hey..guys? Boss is calling for you Y/n..what’s going on?” asked Rema walking in seeing you covering your face, crying 

“She was robbed by the guy who just left, he put something in her drink to knock her out while he looked around and took the money...she doesn’t have the money.” said Remi 

Rema’s mouth parted in shock and pity. 

How could you mess up something so easy? All you had to do was keep your money safe. But you even failed at that. 

“You have to tell him, Y/n.” said Rema rubbing your back

“Yea..yeah, could you two just give me a second? I’ll be right out.” you said smiling while wiping your face 

“Sure.” they said frowning and walking out 

You fisted your hands, and grabbed your covers before screaming into them to muffle your sounds..

Okay..it was a couple of thousand yen...not too bad right? I can promise the money by tomorrow..I’ll pick up some sort of street job...yeah! That’s good. Everything is fine..it’s fine.

You thought to yourself before wiping your face on more time and slapping both sides of your cheeks to wake you up.

You got up and walked to the bosses door feeling the eyes of people on your back. You knocked on the door before opening it slowly, refusing to make eye contact as you went to stand in front of the man with your arms behind your back.

“Alrighttt, let’s see here, in the last four weeks you had a total of 37 customers, so you should have around 300,000 yen, correct?” he asked looking at his paper 

“Yes.” you said still looking down

“Alright, just hand it to me so I can count and divide it, you can sit.” he said smiling holding his hand out 

“I..I don-” you said before being interrupted by a knock 

“Come in.” he said 

“Hey sorry dad, Y/n left her money with me while she went out. Thought I should bring it to her. Remember, Y/n?” said Draken walking in with an envelop in his hand smiling as he came to stand next to you, as you nodded your head ‘yes’ 

“Oh, thank you Ken.” he said smiling and taking the envelop 

Your mouth parted as you gave a confused look, Draken only smiled and gave you a thumbs up while his dad counted the money. You felt so guilty and shocked, and all you could do was just stand there, like an idiot. 

“Here you are...120,000 back..” he said, patting the money on the table to make it flat, putting it back into the envelope and handing it to you

You hesitantly brought your hand to grab it, glancing over at Draken who gave you small smile

“Thank you-” you said to him seeing Draken was already opening the door to leave 

You quickly followed after him as he walked into his room. Before entering his room he turned around and looked down at you 

You felt your eyes soften as you felt as though you were about to cry again, you tilted your head and neck down biting the inside of your cheek to keep in your cry. 

“I promise I’ll pay all of it back by tomorrow, all 300,000.” you said 

“Do you ever give yourself a break?” he asked as you brought your head up to look at him seeing he looked almost irritated 

“You didn’t even ask why I did it, you just immediately jumped to feeling guilty. And you don’t need to pay me back. Really.” he said bringing his hand to close to the door, but you stopped him by grabbing his wrist making his breath hitch 

“Why?” you asked looking into his eyes 

“You still don’t remember? Even after all this time we’ve spent together?” he asked smiling as you took your hand off his wrist 

“Remember...?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows in confusion, but then it suddenly hit you

“I swear it wasn’t me! I didn't steal!” yelled a little boy with blonde hair as two cops stood in front of him 

You tilted your head and walked closer, but still keeping your distance to hear. It was a winter day and you were on your way to the corner store to buy some snacks, but you were met with an interesting scene. You kept your hands in your pockets as you listened over to the boy screaming and pleading his innocence 

“I wouldn’t steal something so stupid! What would a kid like me need a lighter for!! I don’t know how it ended up in my pocket! Lay off!” he yelled as the officer dangled the lighter in front of his face

A lighter?

“Keep it down! We know how troubled you kids are here! Especially with those tattoos!” yelled back the cop as the boy grew angry and fisted his hands, ready to punch the cop

“Hey!!!” he heard a voice yelled 

“Hey wait a minute!” you yelled waving your hand smiling as you ran to the scene 

“Can we help you?” asked one of the cops in a soft tone 

The blonde boy grew quiet, and you saw his hands loosen as he looked at your smiling face 

“Yeah, why are you two yelling at my brother?” you asked furrowing your brows at the two grown man 

“...Your so-called brother stole a lighter from the corner store right behind you, where are your parents? We would like to have a word with them.” he said standing up straight 

“Yeah, and talk about how they let their son tattoo himself already..” said one under his breath making the other laugh 

You looked over at the boy growing angry, you gave him a smile..making him calm down.

“He said it was just an accident, I asked him to pick up a lighter from the store so that we could light a candle at our father’s grave! See!” you said digging into your bag to pull out a candle 

“He probably felt pressured because I asked him to get it, so if you’re gonna get mad at someone, get mad at me!” you said as you started to fake cry 

“It’s our father's death anniversary, and you're yelling at kids for making a mistake.” you faked cried

“Yeah!!” yelled the boy making you smile under your hands as the two officers became anxious, feeling bad for what they had just done.

“..we’re sorry. Please let us apologize.” they said slightly bowing at you two 

“I don’t think we can accept it...you two also made fun of the dragon tattoo on his head!...dragons were our dads favorite animal. He risked his life fighting for Japan and you two are laughing at him! Is that how your mother taught you how to behave?” you asked pretending to wipe you tears as the blonde boy watched you in awe seeing you toy with grown men 

“Please let us treat you both to whatever you’d like from the corner store as an apology!” they both said bowing lower making you smile and look back at the boy. You gave him a thumbs up as a smile grew on his face 

“Fine..come on then?” you said as both the officers raised their heads, opening the doors of the corner store for you both 

You and the blonde boy walked around the store, filling your baskets with all types of things. The blonde boy watched you in just pure awe as you walked around picking your favorite snacks, as he did the same, glancing at you every now and then. 

“Here.” you said smiling at the cops 

“Right!” they said frantically taking out their wallets as the boy placed down his stuff nervously, still watching you

“Oh and-” you said reaching your hand to grab the lighter from the officer and placing it into the bunch of snacks 

You smiled, your hands were behind your back as you watched the officers pay for yours and the boys' food, placing them into bags for you guys too. You grabbed the lighter and your bag, as the boy did the same 

“Mom told us to meet her at the cemetery steps, remember?” you said looking into the boys eyes

“..yeah, I remember.” he said smiling feeling his face become hot 

“Let’s go then.” you said smiling and taking his hand as you two ran out of the store 

After a bit you two stopped and sat on the curbside while you both chose a snack to eat.  

“Here’s your lighter, you don’t have to stay with me by the way.” you said handing him the steel lighter 

“..Thanks” he said 

“Sure- what do you need it for anyway?” you asked smiling 

“My boss asked for it.” he said putting it in his pocket

“Oh, are you in some type of delinquent group?” you asked looking at him 

“Yeah..” he said smiling 

“That's cool, what do you guys do?” you asked taking a sip of your drink 

“We kinda just...like...do stupid stuff and fight..” he said 

“Sounds fun, but...stupid.” you said laughing making him scoff 

“Why’d you do it?” he asked 

“Do what?” you asked back turning you gaze to him 

“Come in to cover me. You could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble because of me.” he said with a frustrated face 

“You’re right, I just wanted to, that's all.” you said smiling making his mouth part and cheeks redden

“You seem pretty fun too so I thought we could be friends or something..” you said nervously 

“Yeah! Sure- We can be friends!” he said happily making you feel flustered 

“Well then, it’s nice to meet you, my name is Y/n, yours?” you asked holding over your hand 

“Ken, but you can call me Draken-” he said taking ahold of your hand gently as you gave him a closed eyed smile blushing 

“where the hell did you find that candle and com up with that whole sob story Y/n?”

“Dunno, I saw the candle on the ground by a newspaper, I kinda just winged it- “

After that day you remember hanging out with Draken almost every other day. You remember him telling you how he and his close friends started their own gang and needed some sort of funding, and so you gave it to him, on his birthday.

“I saved up! You said that you and your friends needed some money to start off so that you guys could buy a flag or banner? Right? Well, here’s 30,000 yen for your birthday!” you said handing him an envelope and a small balloon.

“Are-are you serious right now Y/n?” he asked taking the gifts, opening the envelope to look inside to see the money as his eyes lit up 

“Yeah, I babysit more kids now so I was able to put some aside for you.” you said smiling satisfied with his reaction 

He didn’t even say anything, all he did was bring his arms around you upper body, hugging you tight making you laugh as you brought yours to hug him back 

“Thank you- you’re the best! The guys will be so happy!” he said smiling while grasping your wrists in excitement. Your eyes traced over his face as they soften. You smiled. 

“Likewise.” 

And- after that, you remember the day you 2 separated as friends. You both sat on the curbside, you remembered you called him to come and see you. It was a winter night and the sun was going down. 

“I uh..well I don’t really know how to say this without sounding cliche but-”

“What? Are you gonna confess that you’re madly in love with me or something?” he asked grinning, making you sweat drop 

“Jeez be quiet...I’m trying to make this a memorable moment-” you signed smiling, placing your palms on the cold cement 

“Alright let’s hear it then Y/n-!” he said bringing his hands to the back of his head as he laid down looking up at the stars 

You only frowned slightly, you shifted your position so that you could sit beside him and have a good look at his face. 

“You’re scaring me..” he said jokingly making you smile 

“It was really fun the past year.” you said smiling as Draken shot his head up to look at you face to face 

“The hell are you talking like that for?” he asked furrowing his brows 

“My parents can’t afford living in any districts in Tokyo anymore, so we’re moving to another city… about 4 hours train ride from Tokyo so-” you said looking down at your hands on the floor

“So? You act like I won't be able to come and see you or you come and see me..” he said ducking his head a bit so that you could look at him 

“Draken, train tickets are about 220 yen per person, I can't afford it, and if you came by to see me I'd feel guilty because you’d be wasting your money just to only see me for like an hour.” you said 

“How can I be wasting my money on you? It’s not wasting if I wanna do it and see you, plus what makes you think it'll only be a couple hours?” he asked 

“I’ll have to start working once we get there, so I wouldn’t have anytime...I wanna start saving so that one day I can come back to Tokyo and live here, so that I can see your dream come true of helping your friend create a ‘new era of delinquents’ you know? I’ll even help you guys if you want with financial stuff or something.” you said smiling at him 

Draken bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to tell you so bad how he felt but..

“Look, I have a feeling I know what you’re gonna say..just remember what you wanted to say and tell me later, okay?” you said placing your hand on top of his causing his eyes to widen 

“...You’ll remember me, right?” he asked looking into your eyes deeply making your mouth part 

“Yeah, I’ll remember you as long as you remember what you wanted to tell me. Cause I feel the same” you said smiling as a tear fell from your eyes 

“good...I will.” he said smiling back and tilting his head and wiping it off your face

After the memories hit you, you stood there with wide eyes and tears, with your wrist covering your quivering mouth. You had completely suppressed your memories of Draken, and your feelings because you knew you wouldn't be able handle being apart from him for so long. And he did the same. You couldn’t imagine how unbearable it was for him to be waiting up like this. You looked up at him seeing his eyes were softly looking at you. You could do nothing but bring your arms around him hugging him, as he brought his arms around you to do the same. You were still such in shock. 

“I never thought you’d end up in a place like this, living a life like this.” he said against your ear 

“I don’t wanna see you like this, please let me take care of you like you did for me..” he said said tightening his grip slightly  

You could only cry at his words, you didn’t even wanna try to speak because you knew it would only come out as a sob. Was it really alright for you to rely on someone so much?

He pulled back from the hug and looked at your face, seeing you were still crying as you nodded your head ‘yes’, he smiled and wiped them away with his thumb. The smile on his face...he looked so satisfied...and happy...happy that you finally remembered. Finally remembered him.

[homoose]

Love Has a Learning Curve: Part IV (x reader)

Summary: Reader visits Spencer at the university and finds that her old insecurities aren’t as dead as she thought.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: hurt/comfort, fluff

Warnings/Includes: implied smut, jealous!reader, insecure!reader, vague mentions of previous emotional/mental abuse (Owen), mentions of cheating (Owen)

Word count: 3.2k

a/n: Owen’s really a piece of shit, huh?

Series Masterlist

———

“Could I come see you teach?”

Spencer looked up from his desk, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “It might be kind of boring. It’s a 100 level Intro to Profiling course.”

She peered over the side of the couch, closing her book. “Well, I don’t know anything about profiling, so an intro course would be right up my alley, don’t you think? And if you’re teaching it, I can guarantee it won’t be boring.”

He scrunched his nose in the way he sometimes did and clicked the cap on his pen once, twice, three times. “If you, um— if you really want to.”

She considered him for a moment before pushing herself up off the couch, coming around it to cross to his desk, perching herself on the corner. “You’ve seen me teach a bunch of times,” she said, knocking their knees together. “It’s only fair.”

He set his pen down and leaned back in his office chair, avoiding her eyes. She pulled her leg back, regretting her decision to ask. “It was just an idea. I don’t have to if you don’t want.”

As she moved to stand, he stopped her with a hand on her knee. “It’s not that. I don’t not want you to,” he clarified. He turned his chair to face her fully, peering up at her with a flush on his cheeks. “I just— I don’t know. You’re such a natural. I’m… awkward. Sometimes they just— stare at me.” 

Y/N scoffed. “I’m sure you’re not awkward.” She twirled one of the curls falling into his face around her finger, releasing it into a soft ringlet. “But seriously, if you don’t want me to come, it’s fine.”

He rolled his chair closer and ran his hands up the tops of her thighs. “I do want you to. Really.” 

He sat up straighter, craning his neck up towards her, and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling. She leaned down to meet his lips, and his hands wandered up to grasp at her hips. She laughed as he pulled her off the desk and practically into his lap, sliding his tongue into her mouth. She let him take it a little further, his hands traveling under her shirt and up over her back. 

When she pulled back to catch her breath, his dazed expression had her heart pounding. Any insecurity that managed to weasel its way into her psyche evaporated every time he looked at her. She ran a soft finger over the bridge of his nose. “Can you take a break?”

“Mhm,” he hummed, standing up and dragging her toward the bedroom with only a little too much enthusiasm. 

… 

“Okay, can I help you with anything?” Y/N asked, setting her bag down on the lecture podium. 

“Actually, yeah. Could you, um— write these topic notes,” he pulled out his notebook and flipped it open, “on that half of the board?”

“You got it, professor.” She accepted the notebook, turning to the board and uncapping the dry erase marker.

They worked quietly together, scrawling his notes across the white board, shoulders brushing comfortably together every so often. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him finish his side, capping the marker and stepping back to watch her. 

“This is much faster with two people. I should hire you.”

“You couldn’t afford my hourly rate,” she teased, leaning down a bit to copy the last bullet point. 

“Is there a boyfriend discount?” he asked, a soft fingertip tracing down her spine. 

She laughed as she capped the marker and set it in the tray, turning to face him and tilting her head in consideration. “Maybe we could work something out.”

He brought his hands to her hips, dug his fingers in, and pulled her closer. “Yeah?” He brushed his lips over hers and stepped forward, nearly pressing her back against the board. 

“Mmhmm,” she agreed, pressing a slow kiss to his mouth. She used her hands on his tummy to push him back a little. “But I charge double if you smudge it.”

“Fair.” He smiled and kissed her again, this time bringing his hands up to cradle her face. 

“As much as I’d love to kiss you forever,” she mumbled against his lips, “your students are going to be here any minute.”

He groaned and leaned his forehead against hers, and she laughed at his petulance. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, and then I’ll sit up in the back. You won’t even know I’m here.”

He pulled back with a sigh. “You being here is all I’m going to think about.”

She kissed his nose and stepped around him to grab her bag. “I’ll try my best not to distract you.” She made her way off the lecture platform and up the aisle, turning back to ask, “Oh, office hours are right after class?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed, leaning against the lecture podium. “1:00 to 2:00. The quad is beautiful this time of year, and there’s a coffee shop if you wanted to hang out there.”

… 

After her bathroom break, she re-entered the lecture hall as quietly as possible, slipping into the last row of seats and setting her bag down on the desk in front of her. The room was more than two thirds full, with students crammed into the first few rows and then sparsely sprinkled throughout the back half of the room. But she only had eyes for him.

She’d seen him, kissed him less than ten minutes ago, and yet here she was— blushing like a schoolgirl and resisting the urge to pull at her collar.

Even from the back row, she could see the way his suit coat stretched across his broad shoulders, the way the button at the bottom of his cardigan didn’t quite reach, the way his pants pulled taut across his thighs. She’d seen him pick the outfit out of his closet this morning, watched him put it on, even helped him with the knot of the tie. She shouldn’t realistically be this rattled by the sight of him.

But something about the way he set his shoulders back a little, the way his arm moved underneath the fabric as he scrawled an additional note across the board, the way he turned and put his hands in his pockets and waited quietly for the class to settle— felt different.

“We’ve got a lot to cover today. Let’s get started.”

She didn’t pull her collar, but she did remove her jacket— she was suddenly so, so hot, practically sweating— and draped it across the back of the chair. He caught her eye, gave her a small smile, and then launched into a lecture about the foundations of building victimology.

Just as she suspected, he was an absolute natural. Unbelievably knowledgeable of course, but also incredibly enthusiastic and positively captivating. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. 

And neither, it seemed, could the class. She scolded herself for the train of thought— of course they’re looking at him, he’s their professor. But he was right when he’d said that they... stare at him. The class was mostly young women, although the ogling seemed to cross gender lines. 

She couldn’t blame them. He answered questions with ease and gave witty responses to the devil’s advocate types. His enthusiasm was endearing and charming as hell. And, of course, he looked damn good doing it. 

With just over ten minutes left of class, she gathered her jacket and bag, standing quietly and moving into the aisle. She caught his eye as she headed for the door, slightly reassured when she saw a flash of concern in his eyes. She smiled and made a sipping gesture, and he nodded minutely and continued with his lecture. 

…

Fifteen minutes later, she was on her way back down the hallway toward his office, a coffee in each hand. When she turned the corner at 12:57, she was stunned to see that a line was already forming. 

“You gotta be kidding me,” she muttered, approaching the crowd of undergraduates. 

One particularly perky coed stood directly in front of his door, and Y/N cleared her throat. When the girl turned, she held up the coffees and gestured to the door. “I’m so sorry. I— I’m just gonna drop this off. I’ll just be one minute.”

The girl took a small step back, barely allowing Y/N to squeeze through the door left slightly ajar. It creaked slightly as she stepped through it, and Spencer’s head lifted from where he was hunched over his desk. 

“Hey!” He stood and shuffled around the side of the desk.

“Hi.” She forced a smile. “Sorry, I won’t keep you, I just— thought you might like a pick-me-up,” she said, holding out the cup to him. 

He sighed with relief. “You’re a mind reader.” He accepted the coffee cup with a grateful smile. She moved to leave, and he lightly snagged her wrist. “Hey.” He slowly pulled her back toward the desk, his eyes darting down to her mouth. 

She hummed, and he leaned forward to kiss her, moved his hand up to cup her cheek in his warm palm. He sighed into her mouth and gently tugged at her bottom lip with his teeth before pressing a quick peck to it. “Thank you.” He pressed a final kiss to her mouth with chapstick-soft lips. “I’ll see you in an hour?”

“Mhm,” she smiled again, a little more genuinely. “See you then, professor.”

She slipped back through the door, avoiding the curious eyes of the crowd. The hallway felt tight and constricting, and she was grateful for the way the fresh air hit her as she pushed through the door back out into the quad. 

She found an empty seat on a bench and set her coffee and bag down, shuffling through the latter to find her book. She flipped open to her bookmark, sure that she could finish at least two chapters during his office hour. As she attempted to read, however, her mind could not stop turning over the image of Spencer being admired by fifty young, attractive coeds. 

She read the same sentence five times before closing her book with a huff. She closed her eyes and tried to slow her breathing, focusing on a deep inhalation and a long exhale. She carefully packed her book back into her bag, opting instead to sip her coffee and watch the bustle of the quad. 

It wasn’t that she was jealous, exactly. Jealousy wasn’t the right word. She trusted Spencer wholeheartedly. He was honest and kind, and he made it abundantly clear how much he was attracted to her.

She sighed shakily and closed her eyes against the unexpected tears that she could feel brimming just below the surface. It wasn’t jealousy. It was simply the insecurity that had always been there. Well, not always, she supposed, but long enough. Ten years. Owen had been out of her life for nearly half that time, but the mental scars he’d left her with would probably never fully heal. 

She was twenty one years old when they first started dating, and twenty six by the time he ended it. Five years of her life spent with a man who had conditioned her to believe that she had nothing to offer. Her work was insignificant. Her family was low-class. Her friends were irritating. Her laugh was obnoxious. She was immature and loud and annoying and daft. She should be grateful that he was interested in her despite these flaws. 

As if he hadn’t made all of that clear enough, he’d ended their relationship by cheating on her— not once, not twice, but consistently for nearly a year. And it seemed that almost everyone had known about it… except for her. That had been the most humiliating part; he’d had this woman in their bed, and she’d been completely unaware. She had cooked for him, attended his work events, slept beside him, subjected herself to his wrath, and never even considered that he could be with someone else.  

It took years for her to recover and rebuild. Years before she was ready to date again. It required her to construct a foundation of independence and self-love that she’d never had. And nearly five years later, she finally felt beautiful and strong and worthy. 

So why was her mind suddenly replaying every horrid thing Owen had ever said to her? Spencer was nothing like Owen. Spencer was kind, loving, and supportive. He was brilliant, talented, and accomplished. 

She pressed her lips together and swiped a hand under her eye, catching the lone tear that had managed to escape. That was exactly the problem. Spencer was all those wonderful things, and suddenly she couldn’t understand why he wanted her.

She pulled out her phone to check the time, huffing out a breath as she realized she’d spent nearly an hour dredging up old wounds. She closed her eyes and repeated her daily affirmation. I am powerful, and I am capable. I respect and honor my mind and my body. I am worthy, and I am enough. I love myself fully, just as I am. 

Now she just needed to believe it. 

She gathered her things, finishing up the last sips of her coffee before scoping out a garbage can. She tossed her empty cup in the bin on her way back to the building. As she opened the door, the blast of air conditioning cooled her sweaty skin. She stopped by the bathroom to splash her face with cool water, taking barely a moment to look at herself under the harsh fluorescent lights.

She made her way down the hallway, turning the corner to see that there were still three students in line outside Spencer’s office. She checked the time to see that it was technically five minutes past office hours. She dropped quietly into one of the two chairs across the hallway from his door. 

The other chair was occupied by a student, quite clearly waiting for Spencer, judging by the heavy sigh that accompanied his glance up at the office door. Y/N almost laughed at the way he aggressively checked his watch, tapping his foot rapidly on the floor. 

“Is it— um. Is it always like this?” She gestured to Spencer’s door. 

The tapping stopped, and the kid turned to her with another sigh. “Every. Goddamn. Time.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, I get it. I do. But, man. I’m just trying to ask about the structure of the final. This is the third week in a row that I’ve been here and I still haven’t seen him.” He checked his watch again and then ran a hand over his face. “And now I gotta get to my next class. I’m gonna have to leave early next week to camp out,” he joked.

He stood and gathered his things, and Y/N did laugh a little then. “Good luck.”

He waved and headed off down the hallway, and Y/N turned back to see a girl leaving out through Spencer’s half-open door, looking positively dreamy. She barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes as the next girl stepped through the door. 

She waited another twenty minutes for the final two students to finish their visits. When the last student made her way out the door and down the hall, Y/N stood and smoothed down the skirt of her dress. She crossed the hallway and peered into his office, knocking on the door frame.

Spencer raised his head with a panicked look, his face softening into relief when he saw it was her. “Hey. Close the door,” he begged.

Y/N stepped into his office and closed the door quietly behind her. She finally took a look around the space— fairly small but tastefully decorated. The wall across from her was one enormous bookcase, filled to capacity, of course. Light filtered in from a single window, and his mahogany desk sat on the far wall, accompanied by a wing back leather office chair. Behind his desk was a low shelf lined with a globe, some other trinkets, and a plethora of picture frames. 

“Sorry that took so long.” He ran a hand over his face. “I don’t know why my office hours are always so busy.”

She hummed, crossing to the gigantic bookshelf. “No?”

“No,” he confirmed exasperatedly. “No one else has that many students at their office hours. I asked.”

She laughed a little. “You asked?”

“Well, yeah.” He drew his brows together. “I don’t know if my syllabus is confusing, or if I’m— not clear enough in my lectures, maybe?” He dragged both hands through his hair and leaned back in his chair. “But there are always so many questions, and I mean— there are no stupid questions, but…” He sighed. “Sometimes the questions are stupid.”

She did laugh at that, full and loud. “Well, if my professors looked like Dr. Spencer Reid, I imagine I’d come up with a litany of questions, too. Stupid or otherwise.”

He was quiet, and she ran her finger along the book she was studying rather intently. She felt him moving toward her more than heard it, felt his eyes on her. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him, instead pretending to peruse the titles in front of her, books full of theories that she’d never be able to understand. 

“Are you— are you jealous?” he asked incredulously. 

“No,” she defended, a little too quickly and voice a little too high.

“It’s okay if you are. Jealousy is— it’s a very normal human emotion.” He cleared his throat. “It’s, um— it’s kind of hot, actually.”

She rolled her eyes, but his confession made her feel a little bit better. He put a hand on her waist to turn her to face him, and she could feel her cheeks burning— hoped he couldn’t see it. She couldn’t quite meet his eyes, instead staring at a spot on the wall behind his head. 

“But you know you have no reason to be, right?” He cupped a gentle hand under her chin, finally brought her eyes to his. “Why would I be interested in girls when I already have a woman?”

When she didn’t say anything, he continued, “A woman who brings me coffee, and buys gifts for my fish, and helps me make PowerPoints, and goes to fancy dinners at Le Chateau LaMontagne.” 

Her lips twitched into the start of a smile, and he brought his hands down to lace their fingers together. “Who forgives me when I mess up, and lets me cry on her shoulder at 3:00am, and helps me be a better person.” 

She sniffed but tried to lighten the mood. “She sounds pretty great.”

“She is great. She’s remarkable.” He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “I love you.”

And there was that look again. Spencer looked at her like she’d hung the moon and the stars and every single celestial body in the galaxy. Like the answer to every question was contained within her atoms. It was almost enough to have her believing it, too. Maybe someday she would.

She squeezed his hand. “I love you, too.” For now, that was enough.

———

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[morganaspendragonss]

I wish you would write a fic where tk has a bad day with his depression and can’t even get out of bed and is so anxious and carlos helps make sure he’s okay and takes care of him :)

holly's august extravaganza day 12: let me love you when your heart is tired

anon i sincerely apologise for turning your prompt into a personal therapy session. i want to put an extra warning on this fic because it deals heavily with themes of depression and there are a couple of lines that could be interpreted as suicidal. it's taken from my own personal experiences of depression, and i do not claim to speak for anyone else suffering from this.

if you think this fic could trigger you in any way, please don't read. stay safe folks 💚💚

ao3 | 1.1k | depression, mental illness, implied suicidal thoughts, hurt/comfort

TK knows it’s going to be a bad day from the moment he opens his eyes. Exhaustion settles heavy into his bones, his entire body a dead weight, like he’s chained to the mattress with a hundred tonnes piled on top of him. This pressure, this tiredness—it’s all he can feel, all he knows; it’s all-consuming, and far too familiar.

Slowly, slowly, each twitch like he’s moving mountains, he inches his hand blindly across the bed to reach out for Carlos. If he can just feel his boyfriend, if he can just see him—

But, of course. Carlos has a shift today. TK has a vague recollection of him getting out of bed at five this morning, rousing him with a shift to the mattress and a gentle kiss on the forehead.

If this were a normal day, he might smile at the memory.

He can’t remember if he’s supposed to go to work today. He thinks, maybe, it might be a day off, but he honestly doesn’t know. And… He’s not sure he cares. No, he knows he doesn’t. His chest feels like it’s gaping and empty, but still there’s no room for anything inside. They’ll be better off without him anyway, if he does in fact have a shift; there’s no way he could competently insert an IV or bandage a wound when lifting a finger is a near impossible task right now.

Rolling onto his back takes two minutes longer than it should, the sheets getting trapped under his body in a way he can’t bring himself to fix and his arm bouncing freely when it lands on the mattress. The weight tying him down has shifted now, sitting squarely on top of his chest, turning even breathing into a chore.

He can breathe, it’s just… It would be so much easier not to. It would be so much easier if he could just close his eyes and drift away from it all for a little while, and maybe when he next woke up things would be different. Better.

Get up, his mind tells him, unbidden.

And TK would love to, truly. His eyes fix on the door, but it may as well be a million miles away for how easy it seems to get to.

Get up, again, get up, get up, get up.

TK sighs, a long exhale that makes the weight feel that bit heavier.

Get up.

He scratches his nails along the bottom sheet.

Get up.

His arms tremble as his muscles work against their will to push him semi-upright.

Get up.

He almost falls back down, but somehow he doesn’t. Somehow, he manages to get his legs over the side of the bed, back bent with the weight of the effort it’s taken to get here. Standing takes even more time and walking is another matter entirely, his brain, just as slow as the rest of his body, having to coach him through each and every step.

When he finally gets downstairs—

(and, god, the stairs. tk had stood at the top of them for too many minutes to count, staring down and resisting the urge to give up then and there. he thought he’d fall on the way down, then thought that maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. by the time he got to the bottom, the whole ordeal was already starting to fall into a distant memory, like it had happened to someone else)

—When he finally gets downstairs, he doesn’t bother with a bowl, or a spoon, or any of the normal breakfast requirements. He carelessly pulls a box of cereal from the cupboard and digs into it with his hand, but it tastes like dust on his tongue and sticks in his throat, and he barely manages to chew twice before realising that this, too, is more effort than it’s worth.

He’s not even sure why he came down here. He’s not hungry, or he doesn’t think he is.

The box gets abandoned on the counter, and TK begins the arduous process of dragging himself back upstairs, his entire body aching for bed.

The next few hours pass in a haze, TK alternating between scrolling mindlessly on his phone and staring blankly at the ceiling, or whichever spot is within his eyeline. He’s not picky. No messages come through from his dad or Tommy or the team, so he guesses he didn’t have a shift, which is probably lucky. One does appear from Carlos, letting him know that he’s going to be back later than expected due to a massive pile-up.

TK sends a thumbs up back, but his heart sinks even further.

He must fall asleep at some point, because after what feels like a blink, the room is significantly darker than he remembers it being and there are noises coming from somewhere in the house. TK’s brain is on a lag, so he barely registers the sounds as something to potentially be worried about before the bedroom door opens, revealing Carlos on the other side.

“Hey,” he says, smiling softly. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

TK blinks at his boyfriend, taking a second to remember how to work his tongue, then responds, “S’okay.” The words are little more than a breath, and his eyes drift shut almost as soon as they’re out, his energy back to zero after the exertion.

He hears Carlos coming closer, then the sound of something being placed on the nightstand, near his head. A hand strokes down his face and lips brush his forehead, the touches light and feeling like both too much and not enough all at once.

“I got you some water,” Carlos whispers. “Think you can drink some, sweetheart?”

TK forces his eyes open again, catching sight of a glass, a granola bar sitting next to it. Carlos helps him to sit up, and TK takes the water in a trembling hand, managing a few sips, though a couple of drops spill over onto the sheets. He flops back down as soon as the glass is safely back on the nightstand, spent, but the smile Carlos gives him makes it worth it.

The granola bar goes ignored, but Carlos doesn’t push the issue. Instead, he walks round to his side of the bed and sits, propping the pillows up and settling himself so that TK’s head rests against his waist. A second later, there’s a hand in TK’s hair, brushing gently back and forth, the rhythmic motion doing what words can’t and settling something inside him.

The weight isn’t gone, but it has lessened, if only by a tiny bit.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

[ampintherain]

I’m Yours:

Charlie Gillespie x Reader

Chapter IV

Y/N is Kenny Ortega’s ‘niece’ after going through a rough breakup, Kenny decides to fly her over to stay with him, will her broken heart mend?

(Female Reader, NO SMUT, Romance, Friendship, THIS IS MY FIRST EVER FANFIC/IMAGINE, I hope it’s good, Kenny is lifelong family friend so reader calls him Uncle Kenny. I’m British so the writing is going to be British so like ‘mum’ not ‘mom’ yanno?)

TW- swearing. mentions of alcohol, drugs & divorce

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

Y/N

“Doll, you ready to go?” Kenny asked as he shrugged on his coat, we had been at Tori’s for a good three hours and I could see Kenny was getting tired and we did have a really long day tomorrow, I nodded at my uncle happily before bidding farewell to my new found friends. I found it quite strange as to how quickly they had befriended me and made me feel more than welcome- Charlie especially, I mean throughout the day he asked me if I was alright and he encouraged me to share my ideas with Uncle Kenny, it really was strange.

“See you tomorrow Y/n” Owen chirped, pulling me in for a quick hug, I was soon passed round through the group of friends each of them giving me a tight hug which I gladly reciprocated, I waved everyone a final goodbye before Kenny and I left Tori’s apartment and made our way back to the car.

As Uncle Kenny drove through the streets of Vancouver, I paid most attention to the lights displayed throughout, I watched as birds flew through the sky and listened to the soft sound of the radio, “you okay Y/n?” Uncle Kenny questioned,

“Hm?” I said, as the questioned tore me out of my unknown daydream, I turned to face my uncle Kenny and before he could repeat himself, my brain managed to process what he originally asked “oh oh yeah, I’m fine Uncle Kenny, just sight seeing” I laughed quietly,

“Okay, just making sure, I’m worried about you...” Kenny admitted, I had a feeling that he was but he just didn’t want to draw attention to me and my situation, I have always been very good at hiding my emotions it came from years and years of being told that my emotions and the way I felt weren’t ‘necessary’ and that I shouldn’t feel the way I did- in the end, I decided to no longer tell anyone my problems but deal with them myself, battling through the pain as a lone warrior, I didn’t even tell Kenny what was going on, I built up layers of walls around me to protect myself and make it seem like I was this strong, capable woman. “You’re only 19, Y/n, I know you’re strong but... I just want you to know that I am here should you ever need me” I nodded in response, worried that if I did speak, my voice would give way and I would be revealed as this weak character, I’ve already cried once today and I’m not planning on crying anymore, not in front of Kenny at least.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

Kenny locked the door behind me as we both entered the apartment, “do you want a drink or anything Uncle Kenny?” I questioned as I made my way into the kitchen, opening the fridge and taking out the carton of orange juice,

“No you’re alright Star, I’m just going to head to bed, I’ll wake you up at 7 alright?” He assured me, I nodded as I sipped at my juice, I looked at the digital clock placed on the side- 12:00am, luckily I had sorted through all of my clothes before going to set and again before going to Tori’s because, quite honestly, I hadn’t the energy to do much at this point, I watched as my uncle wandered into his room, closing the door behind him. I let out a deep breath, the thoughts of a few nights ago coming back into my memory, replaying itself there, why wasn’t I good enough? I did absolutely everything I could for him... I loved him with everything I had... why wasn’t I good enough?

I kept asking myself, it was truly lost on me, I didn’t see myself as this perfect girl, this perfect girlfriend but I knew what I did for him. I was there for him when his dad spiralled, turning to alcoholism and drug abuse, I was there whenever he called, whenever he showed up randomly at my house at 4 in the morning crying and looking for a cuddle, I made sure to visit him mum every Tuesday evening for dinner because Zac wanted to move out once his parents split, deciding to live with his grandparents instead. We were even thinking about moving in together... well him moving in with me as I had already had my own place at 18. That boy was my entire world for 3 years and the fact that he could throw it all away so easily, really hurt me, and I don’t think it was anything that I could understand ever.

The thought alone caused my heart to feel crushed, it felt like Zac had a hold of my heart and whenever I thought about it, he just squeezed my heart as hard as he possibly could, it felt like a gut wrenching type of pain, I wiped away the tears that I didn’t even realise were spilling quickly out of my eyes. I cleared my throat and drank the rest of my juice before making my way to bed, I changed into my grey cable knit sweater and my plaid shorts and clambered into the large double bed, snuggling into the comfort that the bed brought me before I let sleep take over me.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

“Rise and shine” Kenny said quietly into my bedroom, I groaned as I stretched in bed, “morning sleepyhead” he chuckled,

“Morning” I mumbled, scratching the back of my head, Kenny told me that we’d be leaving in 20 minutes, “okay, I’ll see you in 20” I smiled, sliding out of bed and heading into my closet, I grabbed my white tennis skirt, white shirt and dark blue sweater, I paired the outfit with white tennis socks and my white and blue Nike Jordan’s that Uncle Kenny bought me for Christmas. I placed my clothes on my bed and went for a quick shower, this time I dried my hair before chucking it up into a high ponytail, I brushed my teeth and did some light makeup again before changing and grabbing my phone off the side,

“Let’s go” I stated as I made my way over to Kenny,

“You look amazing” he smiled genuinely at me, I thanked him and we made our way back to the set of his new show.

“So... how did you sleep?” Kenny asked me,

“Oh really well thank you, that bed was huge, you could fit like five of me in there” I joked, just as my phone chimed, I looked down at the lit screen to see messages from the one person I didn’t want to hear from.

Zac- Hey, where are you? I came to your place to see you and you weren’t there...

I rolled my eyes and groaned internally before locking my phone and sinking into my seat, “what’s on your mind?” Uncle Kenny asked immediately, I swear it’s like this man lives in my brain. I turned my phone on vibrate just as another text came through,

“It’s nothing Uncle Kenny” I sighed, the man driving next to me simply hummed in response, he definitely didn’t believe me but I knew he wasn’t going to push for answers- he never did, he would always let me come to him if I needed and that was one of the things I loved most about him. I could feel my phone constantly vibrating in my hand whilst Kenny was driving, so I turned it on do not disturb just to try and escape it.

“Alright kiddo, we’ve arrived” Kenny said as he swiftly parked up, I went to unbuckle myself but Kenny stopped me, “you don’t have to tell me right now, but I am here, you know I won’t judge you like your parents” he explained, I sighed and leant over to rest my head on his arm,

“I know Uncle Kenny... it’s Zac, he texted me... I’m ignoring him though” I replied, he sighed and looked down at me, placing a kiss to the top of my head,

“You’re going to have to” Kenny started before I cut him off mid sentence,

“Message him at some point, I know I know” I sat back upright and unbuckled the seat before getting out the car, “come on” I sighed, putting back on my brave face before heading into the lot with Uncle Kenny in tow.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

Charlie

“Y/n!” I heard Sav yell from across the lot, I turned to see Y/n walking towards us, her arms linked with Kenny’s as he was talking and joking with her, I watched as she let out a quick laugh before shaking her head, probably at some corny joke that Kenny told. “We’re matching!” Sav exclaimed as Y/n got closer,

“So we are!” Y/n giggled, “but don’t you have to be in your Carrie costume?” She questioned, pointing at the costume trailer just a way behind us,

“We are rehearsing Wow today in costume” Kenny announced, this prompted Sav to scrunch her face and turn on her heels, grabbing Tori by her upper arm as they both ran to the costume trailer, “those girls” Kenny laughed, shaking his head, “I’m going to get some breakfast, do you want anything Y/n?” The girl shook her head, “you have to eat Star, I’ll get you a croissant okay?”

“If I have to eat, can you get me some blueberry pancakes?” Y/n questioned innocently, smiling up at her ‘uncle.’ Kenny simply nodded and walked over to catering to grab him and Y/n some breakfast. “Hey” Y/n said as she took a step closer to me, I looked down at her and smiled,

“Hey” I mirrored, “sleep well last night?” I asked, the girl nodded and started to walk down the lot, I naturally started to follow her, not wanting the conversation to end,

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever slept in a bed that big before” she giggled, causing my heart to skip a beat slightly, “how about you? Did you sleep well?” She questioned, looking up at me with her beautiful y/e/c eyes.

“Oh yeah, Owen and I left Tori’s a little while after you and Ken left, we grabbed some food and then just crashed as soon as we got home” I said simply, just as I mentioned Owen I saw him come out of his trailer dressed as Alex,

“You, Charles. Have to be in costume” he stated, pointing at me, I rolled my eyes before he shoo’d me away, I nodded slightly at Y/n as a way to say goodbye and she saluted me slightly which caused me to laugh before jogging up to costume.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

Y/N

“Why the long face?” Owen asked me as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, “wassup Buttercup?” I bit the inside of my cheek and looked up at the blonde boy,

“It’s my ex” I stated plainly, “he messaged me this morning and I just...” I trailed off, not really knowing what to say, was I ignoring Zac because I hated him, or was I ignoring him because I was worried that if I did text him back, I would fall for him all over again? You can’t get over someone that quickly, no matter how much they hurt you... right?

“Don’t know what to say to him?” Owen answered for me, “what did he say?” He asked, I daren’t look at my phone again because I knew that he had probably texted more so I tried to remember what I saw at quick glance.

“It was something about why I wasn’t home and where I was” I remembered, sitting down on the small couch in the resting tent, my back against the arm rest and my legs tucked up to my chest, Owen sat down, facing me and mirroring my position, “I just don’t see why I have to tell him that anymore... he’s my ex y’know?” I vented, leaning my head back and closing my eyes.

“Hey, you shouldn’t let him get to you like that, it’s not cool... look, I’m pretty sure we have a day off tomorrow, why don’t you come over to mine and Charlie’s place and we can watch movies and pig out?” Owen offered, I lifted my head back up and nodded, it didn’t sound like the worst idea, in fact, it sounded like the best thing for me, I mean karaoke last night helped me a lot so maybe just a chilled day would help too?

“Yeah that sounds amazing actually” I smiled.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

“Okay you guys, Sav, Sacha, Tori, Mads and Jay you guys can all go home, thank you so much for your excellence today, you’re all amazing!” Uncle Kenny beamed with pride at his cast that he was dismissing for the day, we had just filmed 3 more scenes for the show and the cast had rehearsals for as many dances they could fit in today, the only thing left on the agenda was the hot dog scene, “now, I will see everyone at the next location? Y/n, you ready?” Kenny asked, I nodded as I felt a shiver run up my spine causing my body to visibly shake,

“Hey” I heard Charlie whisper, “you okay?” He questioned, staying within earshot of me,

“Yeah I’m good, just cold, I forgot a jacket and it was warm today... I kinda forgot how long today was” I laughed, slightly embarrassed about my sieve of a brain, although the presence of Charlie stood behind me seemed to keep me fairly warm, that is, until I felt him leave. I turned to see Owen looking behind him as Charlie darted off, “I’ll be one second” Charlie yelled loud enough for everyone to hear and wait for him.

“Where’s he going?” Jeremy asked, pointing behind him towards where Charlie had just disappeared to,

“I have... no idea” Owen sighed, shrugging his shoulders, “Y/n/n, do you know?” I shook my head,

“He just ran off, maybe he forgot something” I stated, just as Charlie came running back, handing me a brown corduroy jacket with a wool collar,

“Here, it has pockets too so you won’t have to keep holding your phone” he said, only slightly out of breath.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

Charlie

Y/n gently took the jacket from me, “oh... thanks” she said as a red tint reached her cheeks, she shrugged the jacket on and I couldn’t help but smile at how it looked on her, on me, it fit perfectly but on Y/n, it nearly swamped her, the sleeves hung so low only her fingertips could be seen and the length of the jacket went just above where her skirt ended. She looked adorable.

“Yeah.. yeah anytime” I replied, Y/n placed her phone in her pocket and started to walk towards Kenny,

“Hey, I’ve gotta talk to my Uncle Kenny about some things for the hot dog scene, I had some ideas but I’ll see you on location okay?” She said, not just to me, but to Owen and Jeremy as well, all three of us nodded and joined together so we could all walk out of the lot,

“You like her...” Jeremy stated, Owen nudged him slightly and rolled his eyes,

“I made that observation last night!” He said, “but yeah, you totally like her... it’s obvious”

“I just gave her my jacket, she said she was cold, I would’ve done the same for anybody, like Mads” I defended, “she did look really cute in it though” I admitted, Owen agreed with me which caused me to look at him sceptically,

“Before you get jealous and ask me, no I don’t like her, she’s just a friend” he answered before I even had a chance to ask the question, “oh by the way, she was talking to me about her ex today, something about how he messaged her and she doesn’t know what to say to him, she seemed really down so I invited her to come over tomorrow” Owen explained,

“Oh really? Okay cool” was all I could say, Jeremy soon decided to change the subject to running lines as he could see that I was becoming nervous at the fact that Y/n was coming over, I had no idea why the thought of it had my heart racing and my mind scattered but it did, there was something about Y/n that I couldn’t quite put my finger on but whatever it was drove me crazy about her.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

Y/N

We had just finished filming the final scene of the day- the hot dog scene and it was the longest scene ever, the amount of re-runs and developments on the scene was enough to drive anybody insane, I groaned slightly as I turned and sat on the seat that one of the crew members brought with them just as Kenny was wrapping the scene up. “Y/n, I’ve just got to do some paperwork and I’ll be right with you okay? I’m sure the boys will keep you company once they change” Kenny announced, to which I simply nodded, not having the energy to say anything or do anything else, I rubbed my eye as I pulled my phone out of Charlie’s jacket pocket, I looked down at the screen and saw the notification, I had 36 unread messages from Zac:

>Zac- hello? Y/n! Where are you?

>Zac- I’m worried about you...

>Zac- Y/n! Would you please just answer me...

>Zac- I went to the coffee shop, you weren’t there either, where have you run off to?

>Zac- look Y/n, I’m really sorry about what I did to you

>Zac- WTF! WHERE ARE YOU?!?

>Zac- you can’t possibly be giving me the silent treatment? Seriously.

>Zac- I didn’t realise you were so childish.

>Zac- I’m glad I cheated on you, you’re worthless

>Zac- wait no, I’m sorry I didn’t mean that I’m just worried about you.

The list went on and on, a mixture of emotions, I kept scrolling through the text screen until I saw the most recent text, delivered 1 minute ago,

>Zac- call me. Please.

I rolled my eyes, I couldn’t call him, I shouldn’t call him right? But alas, like muscle memory, I clicked on the call icon and there was his voice, “Y/n! Hey... how’re you?” All I did was sigh in response, I watched as the boys came out of the venue and into sight, they all waved at me before noticing I was on the phone, Owen and Jeremy dispersed whereas Charlie stayed, walking slowly towards me with a half-smile on his face, clearly worried about whether or not I wanted him to come closer.

“What do you want?” I said bluntly, “I’m not in the mood to hear your pathetic apologies Zac, you’re messages were ridiculous, you went from being apologetic to calling me worthless and saying that you were happy that you cheated on me!”

“Listen Y/n... I can’t explain” Zac began but I was in no mood to hear it,

“No you listen Zac, you don’t get to be sad, you don’t get to cry. You are the one who cheated remember? Or have you suddenly developed amnesia? You went behind my back and had this whole other relationship for 13 months... and on top of that, it was with Quinn! My best friend and you think I’m going to sit here and listen to your silly little apologies, no, you have another thing coming. We were together for 3 years and for a year of that you were with someone else, I was nothing but loyal to you, I was nothing but kind to you, I loved you so much and I thought that you would never hurt me, but I was wrong, you’re just a piece of shit Zac, you and Quinn deserve each other, you’re both snakes, you’re both pathetic and you both betrayed me. I dont want to hear from you again? Do I make myself clear?” I ranted down the phone, I never raised my voice, I kept calm, I wouldn’t let him know that he made me so angry that I wanted to scream and throw my phone into the road, no. I wouldn’t let him have that power over me.

“But Y/n- we’ve been through so much... Quinn doesn’t know me like you do... she’s not there for me like you do” Zac grovelled, I scoffed in response,

“Well isn’t that just a crying shame? You should’ve thought about that before you decided to go behind my back and fuck her, you should’ve thought about it before you decided to be unfaithful. Hey, I’ll make this easy for you, I’ll just block you on everything that way you have no way of contacting me. Goodbye Zac” I said as I abruptly hung up, giving Zac no chance to talk, I blocked his number and started to go through my social media, blocking him on everything that I had.

“Uh... you okay?” I heard a worried voice speak, I looked up to see those eyes that could only belong to Charlie, he tilted his head and looked at me with concern riddled all over his face, I placed my phone on my lap and rubbed my temples to try and reduce to incoming headache.

“Yeah... that was my ex” I stated the absolute obvious, unsure of what else to say, Charlie nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets before taking the seat next to me, he didn’t ask me to go on and explain but I felt like I could talk to him and so I did “you probably heard but he cheated on me, with my best friend”

“Yeah... yeah I did hear, look, Y/n, I know it probably won’t mean much but he really doesn’t deserve you and he isn’t worth your tears” he said calmly, placing his thumb on my cheek and gently brushed away the tears that I had no idea were slowly falling from my eyes, “by the sounds of it, he sounds like a dick and you were way too good for him” I laughed in response, “I’m being serious, Y/n, you’re gorgeous and kind and funny and insanely talented! I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t let a guy like that get to you...”

“Yeah I know... but he and I were together for so long, it just makes me feel like everything was a lie y’know? And like I can’t truly be loved by anyone” I admitted, hearing this Charlie stood up in front of me and held his hands out, “what...?” I questioned, he beckoned me to stand up before pulling me in for a hug,

“You? You can’t truly be loved? Y/n you’re one of the most lovable people I’ve ever met, everyone loves you here... I know that’s not the type of love you meant but trust me on this okay? You can very easily be loved” I pulled out of the hug slightly and Charlie lightly placed his hands on my face, looking deep into my eyes, he smiled slightly to himself causing me to become shy and look down, Charlie used his index finger to lift my head back up by my chin ever so gently, “who wouldn’t want to fall in love with you?”

💜thank you for reading💜

♡︎𝑡𝑎𝑔𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 : @thesweetestsinner , @ifilwtmfc , @ashleyleblancx , @chloepart03 , @obxflowr , @lukeys-giggle ♡︎

[heartbreakgrill]

Flirting in Walmart

a/n: definitely going to be writing some fetus 5sos, BUT, this video makes me feel some type of way 😌

description: being the opening act for 5sos is fun, but not when they wake you up at 12:30 to go into walmart. [PT 2]

“Pst, [Y/N].”

Someone rocked your shoulder, your body- a snoring lump- being knocked around in effect. You groaned at the movement, toes curling because your legs stretched.

“[Y/N], wake up,” the voice whispered again, warm, minty breath fanning across your face.

“What,” it came as a statement, the question mark lazily slung off from your short tone.

“Do you wanna come into Walmart with us?” Calum’s hand stayed on your shoulder, fingers pressing into your skin, exposed by the crooked t-shirt.

You shivered, brushing him off of you, “Why?”

Your eyes slowly opened, noticing the flicked on lights of the tour bus, the blackout curtain to your bunk hanging over Calum. His face was so close to yours, your heart skipped a beat.

“Ash and I want better blankets, Michael wants dog treats, and I know you said earlier that you wanted a heated blanket and lipgloss,” his eyes dipped back into his head when he listed your list from that day.

You were flattered he remembered your complaints from earlier in the day. And, even though your head was whining, your feet aching, and your joints moaning from each movement, you went to sit up.

Calum guarded your head with his left hand, afraid your sleepy state would hit it off the top bunk. “We’ll be outside. Take your time.”

You lazily pulled on the fuzzy sucks abandoned at the bottom of your bunk, feet colliding with your moccasins once you shuffled to the front area of the bus. Though your skin was covered in goosebumps, you stepped down from the bus in just your sweatpants and a t-shirt, no bra protecting you from the chill.

“Ready?” Michael cheerily remarked, Moose on a lease in front of him.

You nodded, falling in step with Ash and Calum towering on either side of you. “Can you take ‘em inside?”

Michael shrugged, “Its 12 AM; I dont think it matters.”

You managed a sleepy laugh, taking in a deep breath. As the chilly air filled your lungs, your teeth chattered haphazardly in your mouth.

“Why didn’t you grab a coat?” Ash laughed.

You shrugged, the lights of the store making your eyes squint as you came closer to the entrance. “Don’t know, I’m half asleep.”

Ash chuckled again before catching up with Michael, who called the older man up to him to look over the clearance just inside the entrance. Your arms collided with fuzzy material, the chill going slightly away.

“Oh, thank you,” you slipped your hands through Calum’s hoodie, allowing for your cold to go completely away.

“Welcome.” He stopped at an intersection of aisles, causing you to stop, too. “Wanna come with me?”

“Cosmetics is right here, lets go there first.”

You lead the way down the aisle, noticing Andy filming Michael and Ash at the entrance. Calum followed you down the makeup aisles, confused but intrigued by the products.

You squatted to look at the NYX lipgloss’ and Calum busied himself with an eyeshadow pallet.

“This would look really pretty on you,” he spoke, placing the pallet down in front of you.

You plucked a shimmery pink from the display rack and stood back to his level. “You, too.”

“You think?” He blushed: Your face didn’t have the energy to rush blood to your face, luckily.

“Yeah, Ive always thought you would look really hot on stage with eyeshadow,” you shrugged, eyes dancing over the pallet.

Calum’s eyebrows perked up, “Oh? Hot?”

“C’mon, you know I think youre hot.” You deadpanned directly into his eyes. “Blankets,” you walked away, Calum following like a lost puppy because of the compliment.

You stopped at the blanket aisle, feeling Calum pause just behind your shoulder, his chest nearly pressed up against you. You skimmed down the aisle, unsure of which heated blanket to buy until you saw the brand you had discusssed with your mom.

“You get one?” You turned to the older man, noticing he had strayed away as you were looking.

“Uh, yes, this fuzzy one would suit me.”

It was stitched with a giant Anna, Elsa, Olaf, Kristoff, and Sven.

You snorted, stuffing your empty hand into his pocket. “Still hot.”

Calum grinned down at you, backing out of the aisle as you walked towards him. “Did you wanna look at books, too?”

“Yeah, I did,” you gaped up at him, unaware he actually listened to you that much.

You finished the last book you brought on tour yesterday, discussed it with Sierra, and exchanged recommendations in the dressing room. He simply overheard you, hadn’t even been involved in the conversation.

It was your turn to look lost, following with wide eyes. Calum stepped into the aisle, beginning to gaze at different books. He plucked through a coloring book while you were reading the backs of some novels. You had two picked out when he got bored and leaned against the shelf in front of you. His arm was slung up on the top shelf, face nuzzled into his elbow, watching you with adoring eyes.

“May I help you?” You quipped, still looking at a book.

You met his eyes and he grinned, “Just admiring the view.”

You were more awake now and your body allowed the pink tint to criss cross to the tips of your ears. “Hm.”

After picking up three more books, you walked alongside one another to the next aisle. It was simply rolls of fabric, but Calum didn’t care. Or, apparently, didn’t notice.

“Well, these blankets are cheaper,” he mumbled to himself, but you still heard him.

“Cal, no-“

“I’m getting one of these instead.” He grabbed the roll of black fabric and walked away. He knocked down a roll of one designed with plaid, but didn’t seem to, again, notice.

You sighed, picking it up and putting it back. You turned to follow him again, facing both Calum and Andy, with a camera. You grinned, waving at the device.

“Wanna say something, [Y/N]?” He moved closer to you, focusing the lens on your face.

“Hi, mom!” You giggled, waving again. Your eyes flickered from the camera to Calum, who was staring at you again. He smiled shyly, but grinned when he noticed you were meeting his eyes.

You took a deep breath, clenched your jaw. The next few minutes were a blur as Ashton pointed out to Calum that the blankets were rolls of fabric. Then, checking out, trudging back to the bus, sitting yourself down on the couch. You took everything from the bags, removed the packaging and tossed the trash into the bag Ashton held out to you. You hooked up the heating blanket, and excitedly walked/ran/skipped/danced to your bunk.

You bent at the waist, leaning the top half of your body into the bunk in order to plug it in. You stood back up, clapping your hands together at the new addition to your life. You bent down again to put your books into the drawer beneath your bunk.

When you, again, stood up, you turned and your eyes collided with Calum, who was on the couch, halfway through unraveling his pack of socks, but paused because he was distracted. His eyes were focused on the middle of your body, the air where your ass had just been. You cleared your throat, hip popped out.

You crossed your arms, shuffling into the living area. Ashton muttered a goodnight to both of you, shutting the door separating the bunking area from where you were. The lights were dimmed, the only one on being a lamp on the table next to Calum.

He didn’t meet your eyes, busying himself with his socks as he rolled each pair into each other. You sat down across from him, on the other couch.

“What’re we doing?” You sighed, fingers fumbling with the loose sleeves of his hoodie.

“Hm?” No eye contact.

“Cal,” you sternly replied. He still wasn’t giving you his beautiful brown eyes, “Calum.”

There. He frowned, face red and eyebrows raised. “What?”

“What’re we doing?” You ran your hands down your thighs, clamminess seeping through your pores. “What?”

“i dont know,” he shrugged, scared of the consequences by saying he could fall in love with you.

“Dancing around each other. That’s what. But why? Youre so confusing. I compliment you, flirt with you. But, you just flirt back and walk away. Are you playing with me? You dont want to play with me. I’m a Taylor Swift, bitch, ill write a song about you- nah, actually, you could call me love, stare at my ass again, and I’ll write a motherfucking album, Calum. I genuinely, honestly, like you. I want to, like, be with you, Cal. If you want to, ya know? Like cuddle and shit and like, dance with you at the clubs like Sierra and Luke do. I dont know, I’m tired and hot and flustered because you were staring at my ass. I dont know what to do,” you let it all fall out, unaware of what you were saying until it out in the open. But, you couldn’t care less anymore. You needed to know his intentions before you fell in too deep.

Calum grinned into his lap, setting down his final pair of socks. He stood up, abandoning the clothing. He settled on his feet in front of you, out stretching his hand to you.

You glanced at the body part, eyes moving up his arm to his brown ones. “What?”

“There’s a club event tomorrow or some shit. I would dance with you right now, but my eyes are falling shut just standing here.” He shrugged, fingers wiggling in the air as he rose his brows again. “Let’s go.”

Your lips began to quirk up into a smile, legs pulling you from the couch. “Wh-“

“Cuddle,” he tugged you into him when you grabbed his hand. Calum lifted you in his arms, moving his hold to your waist. You squealed as he twisted you around, bridal style, while your fingers grabbed at his shoulders.

“Okay, but my bunk, my heating blankets all warm and ready.”

With a chuckle and a shake of his head- a kiss to your forehead- he shut the door with his foot.

[raith-way]

stories i would write if i had 12% more inspiration [1/?]

Fandom: Twilight Series

Main Original Character: Antonia “Toni” Swan

Side Original Characters: Alana Santos, Gabriel Lassiter, Sara Castle

Main Pairings: Toni Swan/Jasper Hale & Bella Swan/Edward Cullen

Side Pairings: Carlisle Cullen/Charlie Swan, Esme Cullen/Tanya Denali, Alice Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Emmett Cullen/Gabriel Lassiter, Jacob Black/Alana Santos, Sam Uley/Leah Clearwater, Paul Lahote/Sara Castle

Summary: Having her younger sister living at home is a dream come true for Toni, even if things do start to get a little stranger in her small sleepy town. She keeps running into Doctor Cullen’s kids, Bella is having nightmares and wakes up speaking riddles, and Toni isn’t a fool. She finally gets Jasper Hale into direct sunlight and has all of her theories proven as his skin changes right before her eyes. Where the sun touches his skin, unhindered by clouds or shade, there’s tendrils of smoke starting to curl through the air. Her sister’s nightmares aren’t just nightmares. This is real. Vampires are real, and everything is going to change.

Part I – Viridian this battleground is deadly but you wear blood well for one so gentle.

Bella returns to Forks, and Toni befriends Jasper Hale. Things are going great, until Bella starts having nightmares and insisting that something horrible is coming for them. Something monstrous. Balancing Bella’s warnings with her every day life gets a little tricky, but having a new friend to talk to about mundane everyday things helps. Until she starts to really listen to what her younger sister is saying. The first time she sees Jasper start to burn in the sun, just small wisps of smoke, she faints. Luckily, vampires have quick reflexes and he saves her from cracking her skull right there behind the diner while on her lunch break. Before she can fully process that Bella is apparently psychic and that Jasper is an actual vampire, there’s a ballgame like Bella dating a vampire is completely normal and then her sister is running away from home. When Toni chases after her sister, who is being chased by a real-life myth, she gets there too late to help her sister and just in time to see the destruction. Vampires save her sister’s life, but that doesn’t mean she has to like all of them. As far as she’s concerned, they’re all on thin fucking ice.

Part II – Amaranthine and this was always your nature to give light in the dark

Toni greets the summer with forgiveness in her heart, and she rekindles her friendship with Jasper. She also still insists on calling him kid, as a petty punishment for stealing off with her sister in the middle of the night. On the night of Bella’s birthday celebration disaster, she tries to comfort Jasper and then tries not to take it too personally when he rebuffs her. The next day, when he stops by the house to tell her that his whole family is leaving, she takes it very personally. That anger is put on the back burner as she searches for her sister, and she’s beyond relieved when Sam comes out of the woods with Bella in his arms. Even if her old friend won’t speak to her or even look her in the eye. With the Cullens gone, Bella’s nightmares reach new heights. This time, Toni listens to every riddled warning. Makes notes to be afraid of the color red and to not be afraid of the moonlight. Thankfully, Bella spending time with Jacob seems to help some. Jacob is the kind of solid support that her sister needs, a normal friend, until he turns out to be a werewolf. Sam and Leah, her high school friends who just stopped talking to her one day, are werewolves. There’s also a guy that keeps coming into the diner and asking after the Cullen family, which puts Toni’s teeth on edge. Then Bella takes off, again, and Toni’s world becomes red. Like the hair that flashes across her vision, the mark on the side of her throat, the matching punctures circling her dad’s wrist, the scarf wound around diner guy’s neck, the shining pendant of one of Bella’s classmates. Suddenly, it seems like no one in their sleepy little town is entirely human. Bella returns, saving one nightmare and walking into another one.

Part III – Titian to shatter when needed

Toni is no longer human, neither is her dad. With a little bit of magic and tragedy, their changing process was halted. Dhampir is what she is now, not quite human and not quite vampire, and she doesn’t have much time to adjust. Her poor dad is still trying to reconcile the whole vampire thing, with Doctor Cullen’s help, and Toni spends most of her time with Jasper while trying to understand what she’s become. Diner guy has become Gabriel and is always around, but she doesn’t care if they’re the same species because he still sets her teeth on edge. (She’s also avoiding her sister, who wants to be a vampire because she’s seen herself as a vampire for years before she ever realized her nightmares were actually visions. Toni doesn’t want to be around for Edward’s brooding when he discovers that Bella doesn’t want to be a vampire for him. Bella wants to be a vampire for Bella, which means talking her out of changing is going to be impossible.) On top of the changes, there’s an army being built and Bella is convinced that there’s going to be a fight. Toni believes her sister, she knows better than to doubt her at this point, and things get even stranger. The vampires and werewolves start working together, Sam and Leah actually start talking to her again, and her (hopefully human) best friend returns to Forks to take over her family’s funeral home. The witch that saved her life won’t glance her way, which gets awkward considering how much time teenaged Alana spends around Jacob and the wolves. Also, Jasper fought in the Civil War? She almost decks him when he mentions being in the south at the time, with plans to claim she was just testing her strength, when he tells her about joining the Union and sneaking into the south to help others escape. The history lessons are fun, almost as fun as punching werewolves in the face, but the fun doesn’t last. The fight arrives, Bella’s nightmares becoming reality once more, and her sister is still so frighteningly fragile. So human. Even Toni and Charlie are practically human next to newborn vampires, but they join the fight anyway. Anything to keep Bella safe, now that they can. The fight ends in their favor, but the fight wasn’t so black-and-white. One vampire is spared, a girl younger than even Bella, and Toni and Charlie are tasked with getting Bree to safety before the Volturi can arrive. They manage their escape, they win the day, and Toni still has to listen to Bella scream at night about the monsters coming to rip them apart.

Part IV – Sable they say that the biggest stars burn brightly and die quickly.

Bella gets engaged, and Toni takes the plunge and kisses Jasper. She’d resisted during all of their tense moments, when they were pressed close and a movie would have had them bridge the gap, and waits until a quiet moment. It’s just the two of them, talking like they always do, and she kisses him like it’s something she’s done a hundred times before. In that moment, the pain of having vampire venom halted in her veins feels almost worth it. To have this moment with her best friend. Bella gets married, Toni gets to laugh at Jacob pulling at his best-man tux, and Jasper makes it look like she knows how to dance. (If she accidentally walks into a room to see her dad crying and the good doctor tenderly wiping his tears away, it’s a secret that she’ll keep for eternity.) While her sister enjoys her honeymoon, Toni gets to learn what makes Jasper laugh and what gets him to say her name in that way that makes her knees feel like jelly. Life is finally peaceful in their quiet sleepy town, until Bella walks into the Cullen’s house with a very visible baby bump a few weeks later. Toni stays by her sister’s side, mainly to attempt to get her to change the awful baby names that she picked out, and she watches as all their alliances start to fall apart. Witches don’t trust the unknown. Werewolves don’t trust the unknown. Vampires don’t trust the unknown. The only problem is, Bella’s baby isn’t an unknown. Alice can’t see the baby, but Bella can and Toni trusts Bella. One night, Bella wakes up laughing and tells Toni that everything is going to be perfect. The baby is going to be healthy, and Bella is going to be what she was always meant to be. Again, Bella is right. Things look dire for a while, her dad can’t go more than half an hour without a panic attack, and then there’s Nessie. (Toni refuses to say the entire name. It’s either Ren or Nessie.) Bella wakes up, and their family is whole. While the others marvel at her sister’s control, Toni isn’t surprised at all. Because this is who Bella was born to be. They get moments of bliss before the nightmares start again, Bella doesn’t need sleep to suffer through nightmares, and the Volturi come for them. For Nessie. Alice. Edward. Jasper. It’s a fight, it’s always a fight, and Toni doesn’t back down. She meets other vampires, what she thinks of as real vampires with their blood red eyes, and snaps her teeth at the ones who think she’s lesser for only being half of what they are. (She believes her human half is what makes her special.) Her only solace is with Jasper, and then the fight comes. Watching lines of black cross the white snow frightens her, but Toni stands her ground next to her family and she fights. They fight, and they win.

Part V – Mazarine achilles was the sun but baby, you were always a supernova

They get to see Nessie grow up, to see their family expand, and Toni is so happy that she feels like she could burst with it. Even Jasper smiles most days, and they start their life together. He shows her all the places she dreamed of seeing and never believed would be possible, and they frequently meet up with other members of their family. Edward and Bella, in France, traveling with Nessie and Bree. Jacob and Alana, in Spain, after the kids have enjoyed their own extended honeymoon. Sam and Leah and Paul and Sara, back in Forks, keeping the quiet town safe. Esme and Tanya and Garrett and Kate, under the beautifully dark Alaskan sky. Alice and Rosalie and Emmett and Gabriel in London, laughing in the streets. Carlisle and Charlie, in Brazil, where Toni and her dad can stay in the sunlight all day long without the fear of burning. Years pass, beautiful memories and beautiful moments, and Toni cherishes Jasper’s every sigh and laugh. When Bella finds her, with tears in her glowing golden eyes, Toni knows that this is it. Bella has dreamed of the monsters that would come for them since they were little girls. They’d glimpsed the monsters, and that had been a mistake. The monsters had seen them in return, knew what to expect and had time to plan, and Toni takes her sister’s hands and promises her that this time will be different. This time, they’ll kill them all and show them what real monsters can do.

Forever Taglist: @jinxsflame @hughstheforcelou @uno-reverse-reversed @hiddenqveendom @asirensrage @ocfairygodmother @jewelswrites-ish

[postbreakup]

Journalling my healing process

So, this is more for myself. I got dumped after 6 years cause his parents told him to cut it off, we were thinking of getting engaged. It’s been a week of no-contact and a lot of highs and lows mostly lows. Yesterday night I was battling extreme suicidal thoughts that had been bottling up. Ive decided I’m going to keep an online journal of my healing process as it will give me some purpose to life (knowing that i have to update this journal for y’all :)).

Self note*: I will get through this.

Day 1: I managed to make it through the day. In the morning I was balling in tears and didnt get out of bed until 12. I realised I had to get some of my uni reading done and looked at my reading list. I had to read a 60 page article and write notes on it. I managed to do it. It helped me keep my mind of stuff. I tried to make some food but honestly I didn’t have the emotional strength. I decided to order food instead. I got some pasta and fries (decided to indulge in comfort food). Finished the pasta not the fries tho. I’m still online stalking his online activity- its a bad habit. I still have hope but that hope is slowly dying away and that makes me sad. I want him to be happy- even tho he broke me he was there for me at one point. These feelings I can’t explain. He stood by me on one hand and he broke 100 promises on the other- it makes you question the depth of his feelings. Was there once feelings but it faded which gave him the capability to hurt me so bad? God knows. I have no closure at all. When he left he told me ‘i love u’ and i said i hated him back…part of me wonders if I should have said that :(. I wish he had the stance to breakup in person rather than text i think thats what made me the angriest. I’m still so hurt but i feel like I’m trying to convince myself I’m ok. I will get through this.

Day 2: It’s been 8 days since the breakup…wow. The wounds still feel fresh. On a positive light at least I’m not screaming into my pillow every night and shouting at god why he never answered any of my prayers. I woke up in the morning feeling meh. You know that feeling when you managed to sleep and you wake up and you suddenly remember all the sadness in your life that you’ll have to endure and internalise throughout the day until you can go to sleep. Yup I’m getting a daily dose of that every morning. I managed to wake up at 8:30 instead of 12 (mainly because i was so behind in my reading). Today I managed to read two articles and write notes on them and i was able to create a presentation for my law society workshop as well. It really hurt creating the presentation because my ex was supposed to come and see my first workshop event i hosted at uni. I keep looking at my phone waiting for a text…am i fooling myself? Will he ever text me. My brain is realising that he is not good for me…I can’t be with someone who has the potential to leave me when things get tough no matter how loyal and supportive I am. I’m still drowning in the love i still have for him. I think i will always love him, its always been like that when we were on a break I wasn’t able to give my full to other people because my heart belonged to him. I still can’t comprehend how he is able to make this decision to live in a world without me. Today I didnt eat so well. In fact whilst writing this I feel like absolute shit. Like where has my life come to? Writing a random journal nobody is gonna read anyways…almost like talking to myself…have i become crazy? But I will get through this.

Day 3- We had out final closure yesterday a lot of miscommunication was cleared but it makes me sadder than before. He let me know that he was cold on purpose in order to make me hate him so it would be easier to get over him. It was a very emotional conversation. He told me we could meet up for closure but i declined because the idea of seeing him hurts, and i didnt want to create anymore memories to drown myself in at night. He cared about me a lot and I understand he just wasn’t ready for marriage and the only reason he went with it was cause he loved me more than himself. His parents disowning him and kicking him out is another issue- its not that there was no love between us there was an intense love, perfect compatibility, we never fought and when we did we were able to resolve it peacefully and listen to each other. It was just external circumstances. Honestly, the bar is high for the next person, i never clicked so well with anyone else. He said we can wish each other happy birthday every year but i said i think seeing glimpses of each other twice a year is going to hurt us and he agreed. The breakup initially was very messy i was very upset but I didn’t want to leave it on a bad note we resolved and took back anything we said that was hurtful and made up. I think the fact we were able to have a civil discussion, express out feelings, accept and recognise why the other felt the way they did only shows how compatible we were and its just that life got in the way. He truly was ‘the one that got away’. I want nothing but happiness for him he’s been struggling with his depression for a while and i want him to get out of it. I want to get out of all my problems too. I’m really glad he has a support network, a therapist a psyiatrist. I need to work on forming my own support network too. I will get through this.

[wishiwasntstillhere]

me n my 98569345 ouran AUs

so on november 9th i started a doc to keep track of a bunch of ouran AUs ive been thinking about and i swear the number of aus has tripled since but anyway here’s a list because i doubt i’ll write them all but i have full outlines for all of them so i do kind of... want to. names are based off what i called them in my google doc. *** are the ones i have written 40% of already lol

AUs:

1. Dimension Hopper: For reasons unknown, Tamaki Suoh gets transported to an alternate dimension where he didn’t come to Japan when he turned 14. The people who were once his friends have no memory of nor patience for him anymore, and it’s up to him to bring the Host Club back together, and figure out why he was transported here in the first place. Endgame tamakyo.

2. ***Episode 8 fixit***: A series of endings and turning points that would have made me less freaked out about the disaster that is Episode 8. Read it and/or rant at “Haruhi Deserves Better, Hosts!” on ao3. Very much ongoing. Will stop when I can sleep at night again. No ships because my feelings about this episode are complicated enough.

3. Ghost AU: Haruhi is a normal girl who suddenly gains the ability to see ghosts, because her life is a nightmare. She meets the six infamous ghosts of Ouran Academy, each bound to this world by things out of their control.

4. ***Cinder-Renge***: Renge’s dad, who has raised her as a single parent for 15 whole years, suddenly remarries. It... doesn’t go so well for Renge. Luckily, the Host Club is there for their manager. Cinderella!AU, endgame harurenge!!!

5. Hanahaki disease au: Hanahaki disease but if it wasn’t a deadly condition, just a ridiculous, irresponsible, humiliatingly painful disease for one Kyouya Ootori. At first everyone assumes it’s haruhi he likes because literally everyone else in the host club has caught flowers for haruhi so they’re just waiting for kyouya to confess and get over it. Except that of course, they’re not actually for Haruhi, and although the flowers won’t kill him Kyouya would die before admitting his feelings for Tamaki Suoh.

6. Shameless Kyouya OC Girlfriend: The twins have a cousin who programs. Kyouya, looking to expand the host club’s capacities, hires her. Except she’s super sensitive, and he’s kind of a dick. It’s a long road to being friends, a longer road to becoming real, maskless friends, and then a surprisingly short tumble into love.

7. ***Soulmates of Different Flavors***: In a world where each soulmate bond has a different sign of soul-binding, some people feel their soulmates’ pain, others have the day of their meeting scrawled across their wrist. The Host Club is stuck managing seven different soulbonds, one for each of their soulmates.  Found family-centric. Read more about the soulmate mechanics on this post!

8. ***Kyouya is stressed au***: Can we even call this an AU? Based off the fact that mental health and physical health are very much intertwined, and Kyouya Ootori spends too much time working on the computer. The Host Club bands together to help him relax and figure his stuff out, and Kyouya learns to let down his walls and practice self-compassion. Tamakyo. I do love a good emotionally vulnerable shoulder massage, after all.

9. Spy/Kidnap AU: Someone’s stolen Kyouya’s black book and is trying to kidnap him. Knowing they’ll probably go for the Host Club next, he kidnaps the host club to keep them safe. Together, they fight to keep each other safe and get to the bottom of the mystery. Involves spy tropes, but in lame ways because they’re a bunch of dorks. Also, obligatory “and there was only one bed” scene but there are seven people so it genuinely is a problem. Endgame tamakyo and mori/haruhi

10. Things the Twins Made Fun of About Tamakyo: listen I just need more mutual pining while everyone else in the host club suffers. Anyway, the host club does a cosplay––where they all act as each other. Naturally, the twins claim the roles of Tamaki and Kyouya, and drama ensues.

11. ***LGBTeen Solidarity***: So in high school being in love with girls was scary. And talking to fellow LGBT kids made me feel okay. So with that in mind, this is a story about how Haruhi and Renge are working out their relationship at the same time as Tamaki and Kyouya are angsting about how they can never be together... except that the more all 8 host club kids support each other, the less scary and more possible it seems.

12. Self soothing fic: Haruhi and Hikaru are having boundary issues. Haruhi is not very good at asking for help but she is good at reading people and solving their problems, so she goes to someone who is equally bad at asking for help but good at solving people’s problems. Kyouya and Haruhi talk it out so that Haruhi can work things out. I probably won’t post this bc Reasons but it exists.

13. Mr. Brightside/Satisfied: Tamaki isn’t making his move to ask Haruhi out, and Kyouya is legitimately losing it having to wait, and Haruhi is growing anxious and frustrated about it. In a truly terrible idea, Kyouya offers to fake-date Haruhi (who he has fallen in love with), so that Tamaki (who he has also fallen in love with) will finally get jealous enough to admit his feelings. In a completely out of the blue, totally unforeseen twist, the plan works too well and they all fall in love with each other like nerds. mostly a crackfic bc i love them but they’re all so dumb...

[tirorah]

Road to Berlin’s Episode 12 Is a Spectacular Finish to a Spectacular Show

It was damn good!

After the slightly tame setup Episode 11 provided, it fell to Episode 12 to deliver the payoff not just to the finale that Episode 10 started, but also to wrap up the overarching story of the entire season. And oh boy, did it do just that!

First, let’s talk about our favorite looming antagonists with barely any world-building, the Neuroi! Well, they once again upped the creepy factor by replicating World Capital Germania. How they managed to do this is still unclear, as the city never left the planning stage; it truly does seem like the Neuroi don’t just consume for sustenance or whatever, but also that they can replicate whatever they find in the territory they conquer. Of course, none of this matters much to the story at hand, but it does give us a tiny bit of world-building on them, and it would also explain some of the more bizarre Neuroi designs. Do you remember the Cube Neuroi? I do.

I was also intrigued by this former emperor of Karlsland who designed the plans for Germania. Whoever they were, they were forced to step down, but this raises all kinds of questions. When did this happen? How long has Emperor Frederick IV been in power? What does the mere existence of these plans imply about Karlsland’s history?

By the by, the building that was never in the plans seems to resemble the Great Hall, which was, in fact, shelved due to the start of WW2. Strike Witches occasionally gets some stuff hilariously wrong, but much of the research definitely seems on the money.

See, as far as I know, Nazism doesn’t exist in Karlsland. (Actually, that’d be pretty awkward for Karlsland, with the 501st’s logo being the way it is...) Judea was wiped out by Neuroi in the year 29; this, and several other differences in the world’s history, produced a different world than the one we know. (See the Strike Witches Historical Timeline for more information.) Culturally, Karlsland is far more akin to Imperial Germany, but transplanted into the 1940s and borrowing some iconography and designs.

There WAS tension in Europe before the Neuroi showed up and forced everyone to unite against a common enemy; would that have been enough incentive to create these plans, as well as structures like the Flak Tower? I hope we’ll find out someday. Either way, the fact the Neuroi created such an intricate city-shaped structure based on nothing but plans on paper is pretty terrifying. What else did the overrun countries have lying around when they were invaded?

Right, well, enough about the ancillary stuff. Let’s talk characters!

And cutting right to the chase: Shizuka definitively earned her spot on the team this episode. Yes, I know she technically earned it in the Movie at the earliest, and I guess Episode 10 at the latest. But Episode 10 still left me a bit wanting, as it was part of the process of building up to Shizuka’s turning point as a character. But now we reached that moment at long last, and it was everything I’d hoped to see.

First, RtB shows us how far she’s come. Her determination is nothing short of epic; she’s grown so much since her first engagement in the Movie, and nowhere is that more obvious than here. She lands a difficult shot on the bomb while flying a Striker her magic can’t handle, to the point where it’s physically hurting her to breathe. And then, she sees Yoshika trapped down below, and she finally passes the point of no return.

For the entire season, Shizuka’s been utterly obedient when it came to orders. As soon as someone dropped that o-word, she’d stop whatever action she was entertaining and went along with what she was told, even if it didn’t sit entirely well with her at times. She still does that at first, actually. But then, she finally sees something she can’t walk away from, and she decides to risk her own life to protect the girl who always throws herself into danger for others.

She saves Yoshika’s life, and even though she’s definitely not sounding well, she then takes up the fight in her friend’s defense without a single ounce of hesitation. Her switch from defense to offense is almost explosive; no talking, no checking on Yoshika, just straight-up switching on a dime. And her valiant stand is successful!

Until this happens, and once again I have to commend everyone involved in RtB on the gravity of this scene. Shizuka’s injury is devastating. The cinematography is chilling and incredibly well done: the way the beam punches through the profile shot of her body; how the beam takes all the colors with it as it leaves the screen, monochrome swiftly washing over the scene in its wake, Shizuka already pale; the trails of blood; the dilated eyes. They don’t show her crash, but it sounds awful. And then there’s the blood, positively pouring out of the hole in her body, spilling out until it even reaches Yoshika’s knees, a symbol for Yoshika failing to save her.

As the scene dragged on and Yoshika became increasingly frantic, fear slowly trickled into me again. Strike Witches doesn’t kill characters, but Shizuka was dying for sure. I was still holding on to the hope that everything would turn out okay, but there didn’t seem to be any way out, and that was a gut-punch and a half. It was seriously upsetting, and in a good way: that moment when you realize you do, in fact, care about a character whose presence you’ve questioned for the entire season.

I’d never been so happy to see a Deus Ex Yoshika hit the screen.

Now, I'm not the biggest fan of Yoshika. I do like her as a concept: the pacifist medic thrown into war. But I still feel like Yoshika’s character leans too much on her desire to protect people. It worked well at first, especially when her new companions needed someone to give them hope, but while quite a few characters showed growth as time went on, Yoshika’s always remained relatively static. And RtB’s excellent character writing has only emphasized this for me.

That’s not to say she hasn’t grown into a badass though, because she has! This episode had her at her craziest yet, leveraging the power of her grief to jump-start her magic back to normal levels. And with the fine magic control she’s been forced to work on all season, she can finally let loose and do some incredible things!

A giant shield? Try more than one! Who needs a gun when you can use your magic as a battering ram? (Trude would be so proud!) And sure, just pump so much power into your Striker that you overtake the escaping Bell-type Neuroi holding Wolf! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Yoshika attained her final form of hax, and it was glorious.

Still, it was clear that battle, short as it was, took a toll on her. This means she’s not exactly all-powerful; it just so happens that she has some very powerful genes, and the right motivation to use them.

Anyway, it was to be expected that Yoshika and Shizuka would hog the spotlight for a bit in this final episode, and that’s all good. The others mostly filled their usual roles, but we did get some great character moments from them!

Let’s start with something adorable: Minna using Sanya as a portable telephone, and Sanya being entirely stoic about it. I was laughing so much, and even more so when Eila saw it happen!

“GYAAH!”

I also liked it when Eila and Sanya were so surprised at seeing so many Neuroi swarms that Sanya said this absolutely needless thing:

You know the shit’s hit the fan when Sanya, of all people, does this.

Oh, and let’s not forget: it was Eila and Sanya who finished off the dome! I’m not sure why everyone else decided to just fly off, but these two have their backs.

Shirley and Lucchini were a solid team. I liked how each of their personalities shone through in their mannerisms and dialogue, with Shirley being calm, perceptive and responsible, as well as looking out for Lucchini. She also made a good guess at Wolf’s hiding place.

Lucchini, meanwhile, was her adorable hyper self, chafing at the narrow tunnels which prevented her from bouncing around, and later, gleefully taking out one Neuroi tower, only to realize she was shooting at the wrong thing, and being utterly unconcerned as she switched targets. Nyroom! She’s such a playful kid.

I also really liked it when Wolf was running away, and Lucchini immediately looked to Shirley to chase it, but Shirley realized she couldn’t catch it from that distance. She’s come to understand her limits over the course of the series, which pairs well with her increased sense of responsibility in RtB.

Lynne and Perrine were once again the support squad, looking out for Shizuka and later on being quite attuned to anything regarding Yoshika. Unfortunately, they didn’t do much else of note, but that’s been a bit of a pattern for them since Episode 8. Either way, I’ll save my thoughts on that for the full season review. (Yes, I’m going to rant about the season in its entirety next. No one is surprised.)

Erica mostly fell into the same support role as Lynne and Perrine this episode, but she did make the highly useful observation of the anomaly in Germania: the big central building that hadn’t been in the plans. And of course, she was one of the determined Karlslander Witches who chased Wolf at the end, limits be damned.

Hey, while we’re on this pic: I’m pretty sure Mio has spent more time with Ursula than with Minna this season. How crazy is that?!

Mio was also here. I’m sad that we didn’t get a Mio Laugh, not even one at the end. I did enjoy how concerned she was about Shizuka’s well-being though; Mio is like Trude in that she’s quite married to her job (she’s even worse about that than Trude), and so her personal feelings can sometimes end up left behind. But she was still doing everything she could to help her friends, and she was genuinely terrified when she realized Shizuka was about to do something dangerous.

Before I forget, I even have to give a slight nod to Patton. He was good in this episode! Even though he loaded up his revolver, he never actually ended up using it; instead, he was a good supporting character. Even his “GODDAMU” was endearing!

Last but certainly not least, Minna and Trude were, again, excellent. I really loved how they worked together this episode: forming a united front when they told Shizuka she had to stay behind (like two parents telling their new kid to do what’s best for her, ha), and Minna using her reasoning and magic to navigate them through the tunnels while Trude smashed stuff.

Ah yes, Trude. Lovely, lovely Trude. When I wrote about Episode 11, I expressed bewilderment at her sudden suggestion of using the underground tunnels. How did she come by this information? Why did Minna not know? But Episode 12 had my back; Erica asked her about it almost immediately, and as it turned out, Trude had the most adorable reason of all time OMG:

All is forgiven, show. All is forgiven. The fact Trude learned everything about a subway system in a city Chris never even lived in, just to engage with her sister’s interests, is so downright cute and awesome that my love for her has once again increased to previously unimaginable levels. And she memorized it all so damn well that she planned out an entire route into the dome for them! This is the best thing ever!

I was also so, so happy for Minna at the end! In previous seasons, it was always Yoshika who dealt the final blow to their antagonist, but here, Yoshika only prevented Wolf from running away. It was Trude and Erica who pierced its defenses, and it was Minna who went in for the kill. Not only is this amazingly cathartic for her, it’s also something Minna 100% earned in this season. Episode 9 did so well in showing us how badly Minna wanted this, to secure victory for her girls and for herself, to the point where she disregarded her own views on self-sacrifice. And now here she was, maybe in the last sortie of her career, and she received the sweetest reward of all.

...Except the promised coffee in Berlin, which we never got! But that’s okay; this episode already did so much in its runtime, I can’t fault it for not showing us something that would take some time to happen.

Instead, we got something equally satisfying, and something I loved about the ending: it showed us everyone working hard to rebuild Berlin after the battle. RtB has been so good at details, at continuity and consequences, and here, we see that life moves on. Berlin is in ruins, and it’s going to take a lot of elbow grease to get it and the rest of northern Karlsland back into shape. But with people returning and the 501st doing everything they can to help, reconstruction will surely succeed.

And Perrine will one day conquer the world with her army of adopted children!

Life also moved on in a different way. As it turned out (or maybe I just forgot about this?), Wolf was one of two hives in Karlsland. The other one is located somewhere in the south, and thus, the 501st continues their battle for peace. I wonder if this means we’ll get more 501st content down the line? It hasn’t been ruled out, and it’d be amazing to see where these girls go next. (I demand more coffee scenes!)

[gdwessel]

Road To Tokyo Dome Night 7 - 12/23/2020: Final KOPW2020 Crowned, Juice Injured, Will Miss WK15; Final Wrestle Kingdom 15 Cards; NJPW Statement on COVID-19 Protocols

The final show on the New Japan Pro Wrestling calendar has taken place, and you can see it now on NJPWWorld. The last parting shots before WK15 were all over this card.

- 12/23/2020, Tokyo Korakuen Hall (NJPWWorld)

Tiger Mask IV, Ryusuke Taguchi & Master Wato d. Yota Tsuji, Yuya Uemura & Gabriel Kidd (Wato > Uemura, RPP, 9:14)

SANADA, Shingo Takagi & Hiromu Takahashi [Los Ingobernables] d. EVIL, Dick Togo & Taiji Ishimori [Bullet Club] (Takagi > Togo, Pumping Bomber, 8:36)

KOPW2020 Final - Bodyslam or Last Corner Pad Match: Toru Yano [CHAOS] © d. Bad Luck Fale [Bullet Club] (Bodyslam, 6:11) - Yano is the Final KOPW2020 Champion

KENTA & Jay White [Bullet Club] d. Satoshi Kojima & Toa Henare (White > Henare, Blade Runner, 13:08)

Will Ospreay, Great O-Khan & Jeff Cobb [The Empire] d. Kazuchika Okada [CHAOS], Hiroshi Tanahashi & Tomoaki Honma (Cobb > Honma, Tour Of The Islands, 14:08)

Kota Ibushi & SHO [CHAOS] d. Tetsuya Naito & BUSHI [Los Ingobernables] (SHO > BUSHI, Shock Arrow, 17:00)

Ibushi, Naito and Jay White cut one last final promo a piece to see out the year. Jay has the belts now. Really done with stolen belt gimmicks, if I’m honest. Tanahashi went bananas and attacked O-Khan with a chair. SANADA went bananas on EVIL. Yano managed to yoke up Fale to be the one and only KOPW2020 Champion. More below on what the future holds for that.

The fourth match was changed, as, right when his match v. KENTA at WK15 was made official (see below), Juice Robinson has been diagnosed with a fractured orbital bone, therefore missing today’s show, as well as missing WK15 now. Juice has had absolutely no luck at all in 2020. Satoshi Kojima laid out the challenge to KENTA to replace him in the match.

Who did not show up for a challenge? Jon Moxley.

Prior to the show, chairman Naoki Sugabayashi held a press conference. This can also be seen on NJPWWorld. Among the highlights were Hiromu Takahashi giving statements both as himself, and El Phantasmo (the real one is in quarantine right now). Good stuff.

At one point, Sugabayashi made a statement that after 78 shows since the restart in June, with over 100,000 in attendance, there have been zero COVID-19 cases diagnosed coming from NJPW events. Which is great if true. Yes, this is wrestling we are talking about, and lying is the name of the game. At the same time, lying about COVID-19 cases is irresponsible at best, and I’m sure something Bushiroad does not want to deal with, is the fallout from getting caught lying about it.

Contrast this statement with the announcement of a 22-man KOPW2021 New Japan Ranbo, to happen as the opening match on Night 1. Yeah, hey, it’s great the Ranbo is back after being absent from Wrestle Kingdom cards for a few years. This match is not needed, especially in a pandemic, where NJPW have gone out of their way to limit the matches on cards, as well as the number of wrestlers participating. That locker room is now going to be crowded, and a possible vector for COVID-19 spread. This really is tempting fate.

The upshot to this, is the last 4 remaining in the Ranbo will then compete in a 4-way match to open Night 2, to determine the first provisional KOPW2021 champion. Yes, this title that isn’t a title is as convoluted as it is goofy.

Also added to the card is Ryusuke Taguchi & Master Wato attempting to take the IWGP Juniorheavyweight tag belts away from El Desperado & Yoshinobu Kanemaru, as part of Wato’s arc v. Suzuki-gun. KENTA’s match now is not even on the card, yet, although that may change. This whole IWGP US title situation is now a complete disaster. No Moxley, no Juice, not even a match on WK15.

The IWGP Juniorheavyweight title match between Taiji Ishimori v. either Hiromu or El Phantasmo has been bumped up to the semi-main of Night 2, which is rather nice, and I’m glad that’s happened.

Notable is the NEVER Openweight Comedy 6-Man Tag Team titles are not on defense on either night of this show. Maybe that will be a feature for New Year Dash!! on 1/6/2021, which will be a secret show.

Final cards for Wrestle Kingdom 15, although maybe Final in quotes, as “the card is subject to change.”

Wrestle Kingdom 15 - January 4, 2021, Tokyo Dome (NJPWWorld, FITE TV)

KOPW2021 New Japan Ranbo: TBA

Hiromu Takahashi [Los Ingobernables] v. El Phantasmo [Bullet Club]

IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Championship: Taichi & Zack Sabre Jr. [SZKG] © v. Tama Tonga & Tanga Loa [Bullet Club]

Hiroshi Tanahashi v. Great O-Khan [The Empire]

Kazuchika Okada [CHAOS] v. Will Ospreay [The Empire]

IWGP Heavyweight & IWGP Intercontinental Championships: Tetsuya Naito [Los Ingobernables] ©© v. Kota Ibushi

- January 5, 2021, Tokyo Dome (NJPWWorld, FITE TV)

STARDOM Offer Match: TBA (Untelevised Dark Match)

Provisional KOPW2021 4-Way Match: TBA

IWGP Juniorheavyweight Tag Team Championship: El Desperado & Yoshinobu Kanemaru [SZKG] (c) v. Ryusuke Taguchi & Master Wato

NEVER Openweight Championship: Shingo Takagi [Los Ingobernables] © v. Jeff Cobb [The Empire]

SANADA [Los Ingobernables] v. EVIL [Bullet Club]

IWGP Juniorheavyweight Championship: Taiji Ishimori [Bullet Club] © v. WINNER Hiromu v. Phantasmo

IWGP Heavyweight & IWGP Intercontinental Championships: WINNER Naito v. Ibushi ©© v. Jay White [Bullet Club]

No, these still are not the most compelling cards, outside the main events, but it is the best they could do in these pandemic times. 

And with that, New Japan Pro Wrestling’s 2020 has come to an end. What a weird, strange, stressful year it’s been.

What’s next for this blog? Probably sporadic posts through the holiday season. I am looking to write a long-form post about idle speculation about the future of NJPW in 2021, however I am also looking to shop that around to other wrestling media so that may or may not appear here.

@damascenocs​ and I are planning to do our annual mega WK15 preview show, as well as our 5th anniversary, although that likely will not happen until after the Christmas holiday. On Christmas Day itself, NJPW Strong will feature a Best Of episode, that they will also put up for free on YouTube.

Thank you for sticking around in this year, despite months of no shows or news. I hope you all have a SAFE and as happy a holiday period as you can, regardless of what, or if, you celebrate. Take care of yourselves.

[shytiff]

Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be. 

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt. 

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100. 

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf. 

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner. 

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live.