#Notes on Chemical Bonding

[studentbyday]

valence bond (VB) theory

today is a lazy day but i really need to clean up these notes for future me...so here i am, pt. 1 🙃

So there's two different models that we use to describe bonding in molecules: VB theory (this one) and molecular orbital (MO) theory (which is actually more accurate). They are similar but NOT the same, don't mix them up. The model we choose to use depends on the purpose.

The reason we need these 2 theories is because while Lewis theory is easily applied, it doesn't explain odd-electron species (i.e. radicals) and resonance very well (no, the double/triple bond does NOT move around the molecule, and it doesn't exist for like, half the time and then not exist the other half) and while both Lewis and VSEPR theories tell us what molecular shapes are pretty accurately, neither tell us quantitatively what the bond energies or bond lengths are for molecules, i.e. covalent compounds, i.e. compounds whose atoms share electrons. (Bond energy and bond length are intrinsically related: the higher the bond energy, the more the bond pulls two atoms together, the shorter the bond length, i.e. internuclear distance.) And bond energies are the most important factor in many chemical reactions and chemical properties, so we need smth better to explain what actually happens during bonding. If we know what happens during bonding we can figure out how to quantify things to do with bonding. And we know that quantum mechanics explains what's actually happening with electrons in atoms, and since covalent bonds are made of electrons pairing up, we can use the notion of orbitals to explain covalent bonding. VB and MO theories both say that bonds are created by orbital overlap but the difference is in WHICH orbitals they use and HOW they use them.

VB theory is like the Lewis theory of bonding theories: it's pretty rigid. It says that a bond is made by overlapping only 2 atomic orbitals (orbitals associated with a single atom) and those orbitals are always going to be valence shell orbitals and those orbitals are always localized, i.e. it assumes that each orbital is fixed in position.

So there's 4 different kinds of basic atomic orbitals, right? s, p, d, and f. And remember that each of these have specific shapes and specific angles at which they exist?

If each of these are localized and these are the only orbitals we use, we won't always get the right bond angles for compounds. In these cases, we need to use hybridized orbitals - new atomic orbitals created by mixing certain basic atomic orbitals in the valence shell.

The square of the electron wave function is a probability distribution telling us where electrons are most likely to be. The shape of that wave function is a spherical harmonic, which is the shape of orbitals. So the orbitals are wave functions aka probability distributions. They aren't actually electrons. So when we hybridize orbitals, we're just changing where electrons are most likely to be.

Like, say we look at methane, which has a tetrahedral shape and therefore a bond angle of ~109.5 degrees:

We know that unpaired valence electrons are used in bonding, so let's look at the ground-state electron configurations for these elements: H's only electron is in the 1s orbital, so only its 1s orbital is involved in bonding. Meanwhile, C's ground-state electron configuration is:

So you'd think you need to promote 1 of the 2s electrons into the 2p orbital like this to create 4 unpaired electrons:

But that poses a problem when you do the bonding because when you overlap the H's 1s orbital with the C's 2s or 2p orbital, you don't get the correct bond angle of 109.5 degrees.

So C must not be using 2s and 2p orbitals to make bonds. It must be combining its 2s and 2p orbitals. Remember, orbitals are wave functions, mathematical functions with a spherical harmonic shape. So when you combine them, you get a new shape with a different point of destructive interference (node) and different areas of constructive interference (electrons are likely to be here where there's constructive interference). These new shapes could be sp, sp2, or sp3 hybridized orbitals. When you combine wave functions, the number of wave functions you combine = the number of different ways they can be combined, e.g. combining 4 orbitals - s and 3 p orbitals - creates 4 wave functions - 4 sp3 hybridized orbitals, subscript 3 b/c you used 3 p orbitals. And when C uses sp3 hybridized orbitals to bond with H's 1s orbitals, you get the correct bond angle of 109.5 degrees. So you have to promote a 2s electron but then hybridize the orbitals to get the right molecular geometry and shape.

Similarly, for trigonal bipyramidal molecules, a hybrid orbital made of and s orbital, 3 p orbitals, and 1 d orbital leads to the correct bond angles for that molecular shape. And for octahedral molecules, a hybrid orbital made of an s orbital, 3 p orbitals, and 2 d orbitals leads to the correct bond angles for that molecular shape. All these orbitals will be valence orbitals, btw.

Here's a cheatsheet so you don't have to think about how hybridization comes about in order to figure out what hybrid orbitals a particular molecule is going to use:

So when we hybridize orbitals, sometimes we're left with unhybridized p orbitals:

Those unhybridized p orbitals form pi bonds, which form the 2nd and 3rd bonds in double and triple bonds. There's 2 kinds of bonds. There's sigma bonds - sigma, which is the Greek letter 's', because sigma bonds are always single bonds. They result from orbitals that overlap along the internuclear axis:

Then there's pi bonds - pi, which is the Greek letter 'p', because they're always only made of unhybridized p orbitals overlapping above and below the internuclear axis:

So in summary, VB theory says that a bond is made by overlapping only 2 atomic orbitals - s, p, d, or f, OR hybridized orbitals. Those orbitals are always going to be valence shell orbitals and those orbitals are always localized, i.e. fixed in position. And the specific atomic orbitals used are whatever atomic orbitals would lead to the correct bond angles for that molecule as determined by VSEPR. These orbital overlaps can form sigma (single) bonds or pi bonds (double or triple bonds). But what about other molecules that can't be simply described by VB theory, like molecules that display resonance (fractional bond orders)? VB theory only explains single, double, and triple bonds... What about things in between? Enter MO theory...

Any annotated screenshots originally came from here.

[welcome-to-arthropodsociety]

Looking at the notes on your own fanart posts is so rewarding, like yes you understand my vision, or you came up with your entire own thing I didn't even think about and I LOVE THAT We're all just loving this piece of media together,,,Gotta be in my top 3 human experiences, thank you for the serotonin

[ellemj]

Needs & Wants - Sex Pollen Trope Pt. 7

Bucky Barnes x Reader

**Read parts 1-6 first for the full effect!**

Summary: Bucky thinks you're avoiding him because you're worried that he caught feelings for you after the night you shared, but he couldn't be more wrong.

Warnings: mentions of previous smut, profanity, use of y/n, MINORS DNI!!!

Word Count: 5k

Author's Note: Where the hell am I going with this? Is it possible for it to get even smuttier before this ends? I think that's where I'm going, down a very smutty rabbit hole. I need to be stopped.

You expected to feel so guilty and distraught after the night that you had with Bucky. You slept with your partner not just once, but five times. All in the same night. Inexplicably, you feel almost completely fine, with your only issues being how sore you are now and figuring out when’s the right moment to give his dog tags back. You’re sure he didn’t expect you to keep them. You’ve barely managed to get along for the past two months that you’ve worked together. There’s no way he’d want you to keep one of his most sacred possessions just because you spent a night together. You’ll give them back sometime today, when the time is right.

            You put the tags out of your mind as you finish packing up your small duffel bag. The team sent the quinjet to bring you and Bucky back home after confirming that you were both fine and that the chemical had seemingly cleared your systems. Banner initially wanted to have the two of you enter quarantine when you return to the compound later today, but after a brief conference call with a few biomedical experts in the field, he decided it was overkill. You probably would’ve fought it anyway. After the last 24 hours, all you want is to be back in your suite at the tower, to take a long, hot shower, and then to sleep for twelve hours straight in your own familiar bed. Bucky, however, is on a different page.

            His mind hasn’t stopped doing cartwheels since the phone call from Sam that woke you both up an hour ago. You’d played the situation off well, telling Sam that Bucky didn’t answer his phone because he was showering. Sam didn’t question it. Why would he? Everyone on the team is fully aware of yours and Bucky’s working relationship. You’re just barely civil with each other when it’s paramount to the success a mission, or when your lives depend on it, but outside of that? Well, let’s just say that neither of you go out of your way to do any sort of partner bonding.

            Bucky finished packing his duffel bag fifteen minutes ago, but he can hear that you’re still working on yours. He wants to walk across the hall and sit on your bed while you pack. He wants to just sit there and have a conversation with you, or if you don’t want to talk, he’d be content just to be around you at this point. He didn’t realize how starved he had been for human connection until last night and now he feels too alone sitting in this room by himself. His thoughts are too loud, the whirring of his vibranium arm is too noticeable, and there’s the looming threat of last night’s events replaying in his mind. If he lets himself think about last night and earlier this morning, he’ll end up with a hard-on. If he ends up with a hard-on, you’ll likely notice and he won’t be able to blame it on the fucking HYDRA chemical from hell this time. For the first time in a while, Bucky doesn’t know what to do with himself.

---

            You’re definitely avoiding him. Bucky expected some kind of conversation on the flight back home, but you were quick to seclude yourself into a corner seat to work on typing out your mission report from the last 24 hours. He sat in the row of seats across from you and a little to your right, occasionally glancing over to see you still fully concentrated on your laptop screen, typing away. What were you typing anyway? He was sure that you weren’t going to be putting the full truth in your report, so why were you so concerned with getting it finished before landing in New York?

            After the first hour of the flight, he was desperate for you to say just one word to him. Leaning forward in his seat, he rests his elbows on his knees and traces the lines of the palm of his vibranium hand with the index finger of his flesh hand. He could ask you if you slept well those last few hours this morning before Sam called. No, that just sounds like small talk. He could ask you something related to the mission, maybe something about the samples you’re bringing back for testing. That’s what he’ll start with. He sits back once again and focuses his gaze on you, clearing his throat in preparation for starting the conversation, when you suddenly sit up a little straighter and look right at him.

            “You should read my report, see if it’s the story we want to go with or if I need to make any changes.” You say pointedly, your eyes meeting his. He looks surprised that you’re speaking to him. After a moment of silence, the two of you awkwardly staring at each other, you reach across the space between the two of you to pass him your laptop. He meets you halfway, reaching out to grab it, and then settles back into his seat. You watch him carefully as he narrows his eyes at the screen, reading everything that you’ve spent the last hour working on. You tried to keep it simple. You wrote the full truth of what happened in the lab, explaining what you did that triggered the release of the chemical into the air and how the two of you destroyed the entire facility before leaving via motorcycle afterward. The lies only start when you get to the point where your conference call with Banner and Stark ended. That’s where you write that you and Bucky locked yourselves in separate bedrooms and remained separated for the rest of the night. It's not a very long report, so why it’s taken Bucky more than three minutes to read it is beyond you.

            “What do you think?” You ask, raising an eyebrow at him. He stares at the screen for a few more seconds before tearing his eyes away from it and looking over at you.

            “It’s fine.” It’s the first time you’ve heard his standard grumpy tone in more than twelve hours. You should feel relieved that he’s acting like his usual self, but for some reason you feel bothered. You didn’t expect him to suddenly act like the two of you are close, but god, would it kill him to act like you weren’t the last person he wanted to be around?

            As Bucky passes the laptop to you, he doesn’t miss the way you avoid making eye contact with him.

            “So, that’s our story then.” You say matter-of-factly, saving the report and closing your laptop. You’ll finalize it and submit it after the debrief that you’re sure to have with Fury and a whole host of other SHIELD agents and admins later today.

            “Guess so.” Bucky mumbles. You want to throw the laptop at his perfect face.

---

            “What did you do?” Sam throws the question at Bucky with an overly accusatory tone as he enters Bucky’s suite without so much as a single knock in warning. Bucky had been unpacking his suitcase, but now he drops his folded tactical pants on the bed, turning to face Sam.

            “I didn’t do anything.” He answers, though his face isn’t as convincing as his lie. Truthfully, he can’t think of anything that he did or said this morning to have pissed you off. But, in the back of his mind, he knows he did plenty of crossing the lines last night. Maybe you just thought things over in the light of day and realized that you made a huge mistake with him last night and early this morning. Whatever it is that you did between the time you both woke up and the time you boarded the quinjet for the flight home, it put you in a very untalkative mood. You were silent for most of the flight home, and then when you arrived back at the compound, you basically beelined for your room.

            “Bullshit. The two of you couldn’t get along for just twenty-four hours? Actually, not even twenty-four hours, because the two of you were locked away from each other all last night. So, what did you do to piss her off?” Sam’s interrogation is the last thing Bucky wants to be dealing with right now. He wants to finish unpacking, shower your fucking intoxicating scent off of every inch of his skin that it seems to be clinging onto, and then get the mission debrief over with.

            “We got along fine.”

            “Fine doesn’t sound like you two.”

            “Okay, we got along as well as we normally do. It was just a rough night, Sam. What do you want me to say? We were in a bad situation.” Bucky sighs, scooping his tactical pants up again and putting them away in a dresser drawer. Sam studies him closely as he moves around the room, putting away various personal items. He’d like to think that he knows Bucky well enough at this point to read his mind, but he doesn’t. Not most of the time, anyway. Maybe he’ll have more luck going directly to you and asking why you’re so off today. He knows he should give you both a break. It was probably a night filled with physical torment and anguish with that chemical compound running through your veins.

            “Fine. I’m sorry, man. We really didn’t know what we were sending the two of you into.” Sam apologizes, uncrossing his arms and hoping Bucky will respond a little less defensively.

            “It doesn’t matter. We made it out and now we’re back home and…it doesn’t matter. Don’t worry about it.” Bucky mutters. Sam knows that’s about as good of an acceptance as he’ll get from Bucky, so he takes it. As he leaves Bucky’s suite, he walks the few steps across the hall and knocks on your door. No answer.

---

            This is one of those moments where you find yourself wondering how the hell you ended up in a situation like this. The current situation being you and Bucky, seated in Dr. Raynor’s office. There’s a wall behind you covered with an image of tall, skinny trees. You can tell that it’s meant to be relaxing, but it just makes you feel like you’re in a pediatrician’s office that’s decorated with nature scenes to keep kids distracted from the needles and physical exams. You pick at the fraying threads on the knee of your distressed jeans, trying to occupy your mind before it occupies itself with thoughts of the man sitting next to you. Bucky sits a mere foot and a half away from you. Both of you are seated on opposite ends of the small gray couch. Why does it feel like you’re about to start couples therapy?

            Bucky feels even more on-edge than you do. Dr. Raynor knows him too well. She can see straight through him most of the time, and now that he’s sitting here next to you, he’s scared to death of what she might see. His heart is racing in his chest, threatening to break through his navy blue Henley tee and dark jacket. The two of you rode here together, Bucky offered to drive as a small act of kindness, a peace offering, if you will. He also didn’t want the two of you to arrive separately and set off any alarms in Dr. Raynor’s head. She reads too far into everything. On the ride over, Bucky asked if you were still going to keep up the story about what happened three nights ago in the safehouse. You said yes, and that was that. You would both be lying to Dr. Raynor today.

            “Sorry, I had a little situation I had to handle downstairs.” Dr. Raynor says with a sigh as she enters the room quickly. Neither of you turn to look at her as she closes the door behind herself and makes her way to her chair across from the couch. This is your first time meeting her. You’ve never been sent to therapy like this before. Sure, you’ve had routine psych evals, and once after a bit of a missing-in-action situation you had to go through the mandatory ten sessions with a shrink. But now? You really don’t even know why Fury sent the two of you here for this. You and Bucky have never really been close, why is that lack of closeness a problem now? “I appreciate the kind greetings.” Dr. Raynor quips sarcastically. She seats herself in her chair, settling her notebook and pen on her lap, before studying you both. You feel the tension in the air rising and Bucky shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Do you know why you’re here?”

            Unsure of which one of you she’s directing the question to, you both stay silent.

            “I didn’t expect your partner to be as quiet as you, James.” Dr. Raynor says, focusing her gaze on him. This relieves you a little. You don’t feel like you’re the one under scrutiny if she’s addressing at him, even though she’s talking about you.

            “She’s not quiet.” Bucky huffs, tracing the lines on his vibranium palm. You’re starting to notice he does that when he doesn’t have much to say, or maybe it’s when he has a lot to say but doesn’t want to say it.

            “Oh?” Dr. Raynor turns to you now.

            “I don’t know why we’re here.” You answer her previous question, making sure that you don’t sound as moody as Bucky.

            “The fact that neither of you can get along, and everyone that you work with knows this about your partnership, you don’t think that that might be the reason why you were sent here today?”

            “We’ve been partners for two months and we’ve never been sent here before.” You point out. Bucky’s gaze is flitting between you and Dr. Raynor. He almost seems amused by the exchange. It’s a bit exciting for him to see someone else under Dr. Raynor’s microscope, and it’s especially exciting to him that’s it’s you.

            “Right. So, what change happened this week that landed you both in my office?”

            That’s a loaded question. You turn your head to steal a glance at Bucky but find him already looking over at you. Somehow, the two of you communicate with just a look. A look that says something along the lines of we both know what changed, but we aren’t going to say a damn thing about it here.

            “Nothing.” You both say at the same time, breaking eye contact. Dr. Raynor is immediately interested in the exchange that she just witnessed.

            “What was that?” She questions.

            “What was what?” Bucky plays dumb, scrunching his eyes at her. She waves her pen between the two of you.

            “That, that look.”

            “It was just a look, doc.” Bucky lies.

            “Okay, we can do this one of two ways.” Dr. Raynor straightens up in her chair, once again resting the pen on the notebook. “You both tell me what really happened on the trip to the HYDRA lab three days ago and I help you fix whatever rift it caused in your working relationship, or you continue acting like nothing happened while this thing festers like an open wound.” You kind of like her. She gets to the point, and though you don’t know her at all, she does seem trustworthy. Still, you can’t just tell her that you and Bucky slept together. That’s a fast track to getting your partnership suspended. Wait, since when do you care so much about your partnership? A week ago, you would’ve happily traded Bucky for a new partner, or even gone back to working solo missions if you were given the option to. Why does the idea of working without Bucky bother you now?

            “Did Fury give you a copy of our mission reports?” You ask, drawing Bucky’s attention straight back to your face. He wonders where you’re going with this. Dr. Raynor nods slowly, analyzing you both before speaking.

            “Yes, and I feel like they’re missing about twelve hours worth of details.” She responds. She’s good.

            “You don’t think we locked ourselves in separate bedrooms.” You make your words a statement, rather than posing another question. Dr. Raynor shrugs.

            “I think your reports lacked detail, especially compared to any of your previous mission reports. What possibly could have happened that night that would make you both want to be as vague as possible in a mission report?” Her question isn’t for either of you to answer, but you both know that she knows. You swallow hard and clasp your hands together in your lap, fighting the urge to get a running start and jump out of the window that’s on Bucky’s side of the room. “Let me pose a hypothetical. Let’s say that you both were exposed to a chemical agent that’s designed to make super soldiers reproduce. You get exposed, you both go back to the safehouse, and you lock yourselves in separate rooms like you said. Y/n, with your medical background, how long do you think either of you would be able to stay in a locked room before having to at least use the restroom? According to your reports, you locked in around 9 pm and didn’t leave your rooms again until at least 7:30 am.”

            “I don’t like hypotheticals.” You retort, crossing your arms over your chest like a child. You feel silly. You know you look ridiculous sitting here with a frown on your face and your arms crossed, you know that you do. But her line of questioning is quickly approaching the truth and you don’t want to give her anymore fuel than she already has. She sees you shutting down and turns her attention to Bucky.

            “James?”

            “I didn’t have to pee.” He mumbles.

            “You had sex.” Dr. Raynor states. There isn’t a hint of questioning in her tone now. Suddenly, the room falls silent. So silent that Bucky can hear the way your heart is pounding in your chest and the way you’ve suddenly began holding your breath.

            “That doesn’t sound like something that two people who can’t stand each other would do.”  Bucky responds on your behalf. Mentally, you’re thanking him. You didn’t have a single word in your mind to use to formulate a response.

            “Right. But if you think about it, it does. And not only does it sound like something those two people would do, but it sounds smart, if you think about it.”

            “Smart?” Bucky’s confused now. Is Dr. Raynor trying to say that it was smart of the two of you to fuck?

            “Let’s say that two people who don’t get along are stuck in a situation where they have these primal, innate biological feelings to reproduce. They decide to have sex to lessen their suffering at the hands of the chemical that they were exposed to, knowing that because they don’t get along, they aren’t risking much by crossing that line together. They wouldn’t have cared if they were found out and their partnership was terminated, because they didn’t like working together in the first place. And if no one found out and their partnership remained intact, neither of them have feelings for each other so it wouldn’t matter anyway, they could continue working together like they normally would. That makes it sound like the smart thing to do, don’t you think?”

            It does sound smart when she words it like that. But you and Bucky both know that it’s not an accurate representation of your situation. No, you don’t really get along and you never have, but you didn’t have sex while simultaneously not giving a shit about what happened to your partnership. All you could think about at first was how it would ruin your partnership. Then you had a night full of sex that was so good you’ve been thinking about it nonstop since, which led to you avoiding Bucky in the compound so you could give yourself a chance to stop thinking about him in such a non-platonic way. That’s what landed you here, on Dr. Raynor’s little therapy couch in her little therapy office. Fuck. It’s your fault that you’re both here.

            “I’m not necessarily accusing the two of you of anything. No one knows what happened that night except for you, though I have my suspicions. I’d like you both to feel comfortable enough to tell me what happened, but if you don’t feel like you can do that right now, I’ll respect it. However, I do want to observe the two of you interacting in the field over the next few missions. Fury is sure that this partnership is the best thing he’s ever created. After reading through each of your files, I’m not as convinced.”

            Great. Now you and Bucky have a babysitter.

---

            After finishing your very brief and unproductive session with Dr. Raynor, Bucky drove you both back to the compound. The silence was a little more bearable this time. Neither of you wanted to talk about what had just happened in the session or about how Dr. Raynor seems to know that you fucked. When you arrived back at the compound, you went your separate ways. Bucky went upstairs, presumably to skulk around in his room until dinnertime, and you hit the gym. You gave yourself a rest day after coming back from the mission-from-hell, but now you need the high that you get from a good workout. You need it because your thoughts are still consumed with Bucky. With the way he fit so perfectly inside of you, with the way he looked at you with so much awe when you were coming undone on his cock in front of the mirror, and for fuck’s sake, the way you felt like he owned you when his dog tags were around your neck. You want it. You want him. Bad. You’ve been taking a lot of cold showers lately. Now, you’re turning to the gym to try to get him out of your system.

            After a nice four-mile evening run and a core workout on the mats in the gym, you decide to take a shower in the gym downstairs instead of going up to your room and risking running into Bucky. You don’t want to ruin your current streak of one hour without thinking about him naked. “FRIDAY, play my workout playlist.” You call out as you enter the shower room and grab a clean towel from one of the shelves by the door. You sling the towel over one of the shower doors and step inside, stripping your clothes off and tossing them over the door before turning the water on. FRIDAY begins playing your playlist at full volume, which is how you always like to have it when you’re showering down here after a workout. With the music blasting and hot water streaming down your skin, you’re safe from any thoughts about Bucky. You wash away all of the stress of the day, imagining all of the bad things in your life flowing down into the drain at your feet.

            Suddenly, you hear the door to the shower room swing open and then fall shut again with a resounding click. You continue lathering your skin with soap, listening intently for an announcement of some sort from whoever is intruding on your personal time.

            “FRIDAY, turn the volume down to 10%.” Bucky’s voice rings out and you take a deep breath, feeling your bad mood crawl out of the shower drain and back up into your body. How dare he? His next move only further pisses you off, as your towel quickly disappears from the glass door of the shower.

            “Barnes—”

            “I want to talk.” He interrupts you, and you can see the silhouette of him pacing slowly back and forth through the distorted glass door.

            “You have until I finish this shower.” You say through clenched teeth. “Then, I’m getting out and strangling you with that towel.”

            “You’re going to get out without a towel?” You see his figure pause as your words still him.

            “My naked body will be the last thing you see. You have sixty seconds.” He chuckles at your words, and you can hear the movement of him slinging the towel over his shoulder as he stands outside of the shower, clearly amused.

            “Dr. Raynor knows.” He states.

            “Yeah, no shit.” You say sarcastically, truly dumbfounded that he felt the need to say it out loud. Obviously, she knows.

            “She’s going to be analyzing us on every mission until she confirms it.” He continues. Does he think you were totally zoned out during the session in her office earlier? You know she’s going to be babysitting the both of you in the field for the forseeable future.

            “Is there a point to this conversation?” You ask, rinsing all of the soap bubbles off of your skin and watching them slip across the shower floor. Bucky audibly sighs. What is with your fucking attitude tonight? You avoided him all day yesterday. He knows you had some errands to run at SHIELD’s headquarters, so you were there most of the morning, but even when you came back to the compound around lunch it was obvious that you were doing everything you could just to stay out of his sight. He’s fucking sick of it.

            “Yeah, I want to know when you’re going to stop acting like fucking made me fall in love with you.” Bucky says flatly. On the inside, he’s angry. That’s why you’ve been avoiding him, right? Because you’re scared that he caught feelings for you somewhere in the midst of all of the mind-blowing sex. That’s the only reason he can imagine that you have for avoiding him the way you have been, and for the way that you’re talking to him now. He, however, couldn’t be more wrong. You were scared that you were catching feelings. It’s why you didn’t want to say his name or kiss him when you fucked. You knew that if you did either of those things, it would feel too real. It’d be too hard to pretend it meant nothing to you.

            When are you going to stop acting like fucking made him fall in love with you? Jesus, he thinks he has you all figured out, doesn’t he? You catch yourself laughing. You reach over and turn off the water. You’re just about to tell Bucky that he can fuck off with his demands to know anything from you, when you hear the shower room door open once again, followed by a set of footsteps.

            “Hey, Y/n, dinner is going to be ready in—” Sam stops short when his eyes fall on Bucky, who stands outside of your shower door, holding your towel in his vibranium hand. “What’s…are you holding her hostage in the shower? Give me that damn towel, man.” You hear a soft commotion that you can only assume is the two men scuffling over your stolen towel. The towel finds its way back over the glass door, courtesy of Sam, and you quickly snatch it up, patting yourself dry before wrapping it around your body. “Dinner is ready in fifteen minutes, if you two want to eat.” Sam announces. Bucky gives him a steely look for returning the towel to you, but Sam ignores it, turning on his heel and walking out. You’re surprised that he didn’t have anything to say about the unusual situation he stumbled into here. Maybe he’s saving it for later.

            Bucky’s just about to ask his question again, the one about when you’ll stop acting like he’s in love with you, when you push the shower door open and step out in front of him. Covered only by that damn towel. He wants to pretend like he’s unbothered, but the way a tent is forming in his jeans throws that plan out the window. You have an effect on him and you’re fully aware of it.

            “Fucking didn’t make you fall in love with me?” You ask innocently, standing just six inches in front of him and looking up into his eyes. His eyes leave yours for a moment, his gaze raking down your body and leaving heat in its wake. He takes in your messy bun, the way the towel is so tightly hugged around your curves, and the way water is dripping down your legs. Fuck, he wants to lick every single drop off of your skin. He wants to start at your ankles and kiss, lick, and suck his way up to your inner thighs. When he meets your stare once again, you’re smirking at him. “Answer the question, Barnes.” You use a specific tone of voice this time, one that you usually reserve for seductive purposes in the field. It makes him swallow hard and you note the way his jaw flexes. Hmm, you’ve seen his jaw flex like that before. You take one step forward, closing the minimal space between the two of you, letting your towel-covered chest lightly brush against him as you begin trailing your fingertips down the right sleeve of his Henley tee. He’s temporarily frozen in place, his eyes watching the movements of your hand closely, before he quickly steps back and tsks at you. He shakes his head as annoyed look takes over his features.

            “Don’t fuck with me, Y/n. Dr. Raynor isn’t here to supervise the tension.” His words send heat rushing through your body, a heat that settles in your cheeks and between your legs. You hate how the threatening tone of his voice combined with his choice of words makes you long to be underneath him again, but you’re sure he’s just playing a sick game with you. You wish the horny part of you would remember that, that this is just a fucked up game. It isn’t real. But you know what? If he wants to play this fucked up game, you’ll make sure you win it. He can act like he doesn’t want you, but his reactions to everything you do sends a different message.

You’ll just have to play this game until he admits that he wants you as much as you want him. Maybe you'll give him his dog tags back as a consolation prize when you win.

Next Part

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[vivalabunbun]

On the complexities of relationships and words

Summary: For two people that love to read, words seem like a complex. 

Word Count: 13k (yeah... this is slow burn, might want to get a drink and snack)

Tags: Alhaitham x Fem!Reader, Slow Burn, Smut(r18+), NSFW, MDNI, Fluff, Angst kind heavy?, Modern AU, Omegaverse AU, A/B/O relationships, slow fic, marriage, arranged pairing, dubcon, themes about not liking yourself, TW: gender dysphoria (you don’t like your secondary gender), TW: Very vague and brief mentions to possible past domestic trauma, Jealous!alhaitham, slight yandere!alhaitham, mutual pining, miscommunication, breeding, biting, ruts, Alpha!alhaitham, Beta!reader. You agreed to the pairing due to tax benefits. A lot of references to literature. 

Authors note: This is my first attempt at slow burn and yeah... I got carried away. I want to explore how slow alhaitham would open up and how love can come from the mind instead of the heart. Enjoy.

Side Note: here is a little dabble 

Love, an emotion that sets the heart on fire. An all-consuming emotion that feels as if one was falling off a cliff while also being embraced tight by the treads of fate. The emotion that’s only separated by a thin line from madness. Or at least, that is how it’s been described to you through books and movies. 

With love being the inspiration for so many poets, artists, and heroes throughout all of history, it comes as no surprise that you found yourself curious about it. It started out innocently, you would listen to the latest romantic ballads from the wandering travelers along the streets of Sumeru. In the nation of wisdom, books were plentiful yet you found your teenage self buying certain novels from Inazuma. Then came the films from Fontaine which you’d spend a week’s worth of pocket money on. 

What first began from your childish curiosity became a hidden infatuation. You wanted to feel those emotions described in those songs, books, and movies. So you began your journey to seek it out. Your first relationship filled you with a certain rush, an excitement to finally experience a scene from those novels you loved… but you were only left with disappointment. 

Kisses felt bland, holding hands felt awkward after too long, and eye contact uncomfortable. There were no lingering thoughts that kept you up at night, no pink haze of pinning, nor a spark that set your chest ablaze. The breakup didn’t come as a surprise, and even so, it didn’t leave you with those gut-wrenching heartbroken sobs into the pillow as you’ve seen in the movies. Just disappointment. 

Perhaps it's because you were basing your expectations on relationships you can never experience. Those songs, those books, those movies? They were all about the bond felt between Alphas and Omegas. 

The maddening ruts and needy heat that left your cheeks flushed when you read about them. The touching gestures of scenting, the descriptions of the additive aroma of their beloved, their fated mate. The marking that proclaimed to the world their undying love. You’ll never experience that… since you’ve presented as a Beta. 

The worker ants of society, the largest class sandwiched between Alphas and Omegas, the extras in their movies. The category of society that can neither produce nor reciprocate pheromones, the population that lived in mediocrity in the eyes of romantics. 

Of course, love was possible for Betas, after all in a population that makes up the majority, there will always be the few that find ‘true love’. But that’s an advanced scholarly topic up for debate, with the societal consensus being that it’s the lowest tier of love. All pairings with Betas belonged in this tier. 

Alpha-Alpha, Omega-Omega, and at the very top of the tier list of ‘true love’ was the Alpha-Omega pairing. After all, love scientifically is created by chemical bonds in the brain with oxytocin, the love hormone. Pheromones kicked the production of oxytocin into overdrive, creating an addiction that makes a person long for their lovers every hour of the day. The chemicals that create the fire of romance you once wished upon shooting stars for. 

Thankfully with time, as you matured into an adult you resigned yourself to your fate. You found solstice in your one advantage as a Beta over any Alpha or Omega: True independence. Free from the chains that are primal desires brought on by pheromones, your head was clear, decisions not dependent on the fever that was love. 

You had given up on searching for love, hey, if you set the bar on the ground then there was less risk of being let down. So that’s why you agreed to your parents’ suggestion of an arranged pairing. To be matched to a life partner by a matchmaker.

--

“Eh? Isn’t that practice kinda outdated?” Dehya questioned. 

“Don’t the city folk use the akasha system, using genetics for compatibility or something?” Your Alpha friend carefully tucked away her compact mirror. 

“Actually, I think that’s really romantic! The traditional way matches you by personality and lifestyle compatibility.” Nilou grasped your hands, wishing you luck. 

“I agree, old fashioned doesn’t mean it's ineffective. It’s still very much practiced in Aaru Village.” Candace sent a slight side-eye to your other Alpha friend across the table. 

--

Perhaps your Alpha and Omega friends were trying to cheer you on, but frankly, they didn’t need to. The next day when you met with the older woman, you went through the process with a sense of boredom. When answering the matchmaker's question, you stated you just wanted a life partner that was honest, loyal, and respected your individuality. 

Next, the matchmaker asked about your interests, you recalled all the literature you used to consume during your obsession with love, and embarrassed by your fruitless past endeavors you answered books.  

“What kind of life do you seek, my dear?” Her wrinkly hands intertwined as she leaned on the table. 

“A peaceful, quiet life.” 

And that was it. She wrote down your responses with a bejeweled quill pen, handwriting beautiful and neat as if she were penning down a poem for you. You were free to go home. Walking down the streets of Sumeru, the dusk birds singing to their lovers, you didn’t even wonder about the Beta she was going to pair you with. You had a full day of work tomorrow, what you really wanted was a full night's rest. 

--

So a month later, you couldn’t hide the bewilderment on your face as you stood in front of a tall Alpha, the partner the matchmaker had deemed a good fit. From his piercing teal orange eyes to his sliver hair to his towering physique, everything about him was the picture-perfect definition of an Alpha. 

‘Alhaitham’ was his name, and you must admit it fit him quite well. His face remained unchanged even after his mesmerizing eyes passed over your form quickly. You couldn’t read the lack of expression on his face, was it disinterest? Indifference? Boredom? 

A part of you wanted to take your parents to the side and whisper in their ears that the matchmaker was a quack. Who in their right mind matches an Alpha with a Beta? Before you could do so, the matchmaker lead your parents out of the room, giving the two of you some privacy to get acclimated. A heavy silence hung in the air as your bodies stood a respectable distance apart, deciding to break the silence you first stated the obvious. 

“I’m not an Omega.” 

“I’m aware.” His deep voice sent a small shiver down your spine. Even his voice was beautiful. 

“I don’t have any pheromone, meaning I can’t bond.” You glanced up at him. 

“I never listed it as a requirement.” 

His answers only seemed to confuse you further, perhaps he didn’t think this through all the way. Sure, the matchmaker revealed that both of you wanted peaceful lives, liked books, and believed firmly in one’s individuality. But there was a massive sumpter beast in the room as the saying goes. 

“Aren’t you worried about… that time of the year…”  

For the first time, his eyes met yours, you quickly shifted your eyes away. 

“Are you referring to ruts? Medicine has advanced quite a bit, there are now inhibitors that can regulate pheromones and ruts. Not that you would know, of course.” He huffed out. 

You couldn’t stop your eyebrow from twitching in annoyance. Ah, he’s also got that Alpha ego. You were still confused, from the look on your face he quickly deduced it as well. 

“I dislike disruptions to my life. Primal desires are just disruptions. To put it bluntly, you as a Beta don’t release pheromones nor go into bouts of unsuppressed lust. Significantly reducing the risk of interrupting my time. You value individuality and are very independent, you’re very unlikely to bother me with trivial matters. All these factors add up to a peaceful, quiet life. Simple isn’t it?” 

When he laid out all the reasons so clearly on the table, it’s hard to not note the truth, Alhaitham is a weird Alpha. Perhaps that’s why his grandmother enlisted the help of a matchmaker in her will. 

After that day, you took home a folder full of documentation on him. Under the golden light of your desk lamp, you sorted through the information in front of you. He had no criminal record, he owns his own house close to the city, and he held a stable job with a very attractive salary. 

You ponder the decision for about a week, weighing the pros and cons. Marriages in Sumeru are often encouraged with sizable tax deductions, more money in your own pocket. Employees with spouses have an easier time requesting paid time off, more money in your pocket and less work. He lacked any familial attachments, meaning no in-laws to deal with. One extra point for being very easy on the eyes too. 

You ultimately signed your name on the marriage documents at the city hall, right next to his emulate penmanship. Right there under the fluorescent lights of the government office, the two of you recited your vows. The only other people in the room were your parents and the clerk filing the paperwork.

Within the next few months, you’ve carried the boxes filled with your belongings from your cramped apartment into his spacious house. Your old light novels and romantic collection of poems are now placed on a bookshelf adjacent to his. Bright and artistic covers contrasting against bland academic journals. Of course, there was no honeymoon, no break from your regular work schedules. There was no reason to. 

--

In the first year of your marriage, you viewed him with suspicious eyes. You valued loyalty in a life partner and even though he stated he dislike pheromones and primal urges, he was still an Alpha with such natural responses. Yet, you observed that he came home every day at 5:30 pm on the dot, not a single hair out of place nor a single crease on the collar of his button-downs. 

You found him to be a decent housemate, calm, quiet, and respectful of your space. Chores were divided equally between the two of you, making the shared living space organized and dust free. Of course, he was only human thus he also had some flaws. 

Sometimes your foot would knock against a stack of books he had left on the floor near the numerous bookshelves throughout the house. Or how you noticed your shampoo and conditioner bottles emptying at an alarming rate, does he not know how expensive haircare is? 

Alhaitham deemed you a good fit for a life partner. You weren’t disruptive nor dependent on him in any aspect. You spent your own money responsibly, a diligent person who followed a set work routine without needing any reminders. 

You would alternate responsibilities for dinner, but he found your food more flavorful. You threw together ingredients with no regard for measurements, only going off what felt right, compared to his style of calculating the precise amount a ‘pinch’ was. 

Of course, it’s expected that you’ve got some quirks that made him tsk internally. It was small insignificant things. Like how sometimes he would find strands of your hair left in the shower drain. Or how you often tuck his books back into the nearest shelf, not caring about if the genres matched or not. 

“I commend your artistry. However, a mural made from your hair on the shower wall is unnecessary.” 

“You’ve got shorter hair than me, how are you using double the product?”        

“It’s all due to your perception, I’m not using any more product than you.”

“Oh?~ Then I guess the hair on the wall is all just your perception too.”

When living with another person there will always be bumps that needed to be smoothed out. But overall, life was peaceful and quiet just how the two of you liked it. 

--

Alhaitham was Alhaitham, and you were you. Two independent individuals only connected by paper and law. Perhaps the only couple-like aspect of your relationship was sharing the same bed. Of course, this was done only out of necessity. 

The only other room in the house with a bed was the guest room, even so, there was still an imbalance. The mattress was much smaller and firm when compared to the grand bed in the master bedroom. 

He didn’t snore and neither did you, you didn’t toss and turn in your sleep and neither did he. With two separate blankets, he deemed that sharing a bed with you wouldn’t cause any disturbance to his sleep. You two had more than enough money to afford another bed, but just the thought of rearranging the furniture to accommodate it was too bothersome for the both of you. There was more than enough room on the bed for two bodies to sleep without ever touching. 

No loud passionate fights nor lingering glances and maddening touches. Just the calm lull of normalcy. But you were satisfied. 

By your second year with him, you’ve gotten acquainted with the nuances in his manner of speech. In particular, his sarcastic quips that you’d return with vivacity. 

“Mmm, I appreciate the attempt. But I’d rather my books be sorted by subject rather than by instinct.” 

“There’s faster ways to collect my life insurance than by getting me to trip over a book, Haitham.” 

During this year, the two of you also began to use more familiar terms to address each other. Instead of your name, he’d simply call you wife, and you shortened his name. Husband and ‘Haitham’ had the same amount of letters anyways. 

When the date of your courthouse wedding came around, nothing happened. 

No flowers, no shiny gifts of jewels, not even a sweet dessert. After all, he found it silly to spend so much effort on a singular day instead of placing that enthusiasm into every regular day of life.

Birthdays shared the same sentiment, you’d be invited out by your group of friends to a celebration planned by Nilou, while Alhaitham would stay at home with his books. 

--

“Happy birthday.” You placed a cup of freshly brewed coffee down in front of him. 

“Thank you.” Besides your statement, there was nothing out of the ordinary. 

“Hopefully I’m one year closer to collecting your pension.” 

  Alhaitham has to admit he does enjoy your sardonic humor, but you’d never be able to tell just by looking at him. He took a sip of his coffee, by year two you finally learned how not to scald the coffee grounds when doing a pour-over.

Life continued on, and the two of you were still like parallel lines traveling in the same direction side by side and separately. 

It’s now the third year of your marriage. You were currently busy in the kitchen, Alhaitham had just informed you earlier there’d be guests coming over tonight. Fortunately, it’s a Friday which meant you had a half day at work. Quickly purchasing ingredients from street vendors on your way back. 

He never had any guests over before, so you assumed that these guests must be important people from work. 

You even made sure not to use spices that were too fragrant, just in case any of the guests were extremely sensitive to smells, as Alhaitham had informed you they were all Alphas. Tachin was a rather simple but delicious dish to make. You also picked fresh ingredients that would make a very quick and satisfying salad. 

Your husband didn’t particularly like soup, but he doesn’t have the right to be picky when you’re the one rushing to cook enough food for five people, so minty bean soup will be on the table. He had a collection of wines in a separate room, you’ll leave the wine selection up to him. 

Just as you finished setting the plates and dishes on the table the chime of the doorbell went off. Wiping off your hands and taking off your apron, doing a quick once-over in the hallway mirror before answering the door. 

“O-oh… You’re a… Beta…” 

The blond Alpha in front of you had a look of bewilderment across his handsome features. Rudy eyes peering down at you in astonishment as you maintained a polite face. 

“Oof-” 

An elbow was jabbed into the blond’s side as a shorter dark-haired man signaled for him to shut up. 

“Thank you for having us over for dinner.” His friendly face gave you a smile. 

“Welcome.” You invited all the men in. 

  The bewildered blond at the door’s name was Kaveh, the dark-haired man was Tighnari, and the white-haired man with the intense gaze was Cyno. 

You familiarized yourself with their names, and from time to time you felt their eyes passing glances over at you as they made small talk. Alhaitham was currently picking out a few bottles of wine. 

“So, you’re actually his wife… Ah! Of course, it’s no fault of yours. I’m just shocked he’s actually married, I thought he was bluffing when he said he had a wife. There were no signs… Ugh! Great, I owe drinks now.” Kaveh sighed, face in his hands. 

“Alhaitham doesn’t want others knowing too much about him. But the proof is right in front of our eyes.” Cyno leaned his elbows on the table. 

Ah, it makes sense that people at his work wouldn’t know about you. There weren’t even rings to distinguish the relationship. Usually, relationships nowadays were sensed through the presence of pheromones on the bodies of lovers. However, you were a Beta with no pheromones to cling onto his person. There’s not the slightest chance he ever talked about you. The two of you were also never seen in public together, so in the eyes of many Alhaitham is still a bachelor. There was a slight churn in your stomach, was the soup upsetting it?

“Gossiping about me while sitting in my house and right in front of my wife?” 

Alhaitham’s deep voice mysteriously made the knot in your stomach go away, or maybe it was the way he referred to you, ‘my wife’. He placed the bottles of wine and glasses on the table. 

“It’s nothing major. We’re just surprised someone is willing enough to stand your arrogance.” Kaveh crossed his arms. 

“Unwed people should not have any comments on other’s relationships.” 

“Hey! Why you-”

“Huh…” You pondered out loud. 

The attention of the men in the room was all on you now. 

“Oh, pardon my interruption. I guess I’m just in awe that my husband has friends.” 

In an instant laughter ripped through the air. 

“Bwahahaha! Alhaitham, I like your wife already! Ahahaha!” Kaveh was laughing so hard tears were forming in his eyes. 

Tighnari had one hand gripping the table and the other covering his mouth as he tried desperately to suppress his snickers, ultimately unsuccessfully.  

“Well, I’m not sure if friends is the ‘correct’ term.” Cyno’s voice was steady, but you could see the small shakes of his shoulders. 

“I’m beginning to wonder if inviting guests to the house was the right decision.” 

--

Still, the dinner continued and the drinks started to pour. After your statement from earlier, the atmosphere at the table became more lighthearted aided by the help of alcohol. 

“So, what’s the occasion?” You asked as you took a sip out of your glass. 

“Huh? Alhaitham! How did you not tell your wife about your promotion?” Kaveh nearly spat out his wine. 

 “There’s no reason to dampen her mood with bad tidings.” 

“Bad?!-” You wondered if the blond’s voice could shatter the glass in your hands. 

“Keeping your cards close to your chest, even from your wife.” Cyno side-eyed your husband. 

“Not at all. Not that the unwed head lawyer would need to know.” 

“Tsk.” The tan Alpha crossed his arms. 

“Now, now just because he didn’t tell his wife doesn’t mean Alhaitham’s a bad husband.” Tighnari tried to dispel the tension while also landing a subtle jab. 

“Mmm, congratulations, Haitham.” You swirled your wine. 

“Thank you.” Your husband replied. 

The three Alphas looked at each other, eyes sending silent messages. They must find your marriage to the ashen-hair Alpha strange. Alpha-Beta pairings were already against convention, but it seems like the two of you matched each other's pace. Two weird people found each other. 

--

After dinner was finished and you bid goodbye to the guests at the front door. 

“Be grateful you stone-faced brat… Your wife’s got... too good to be stuck with your stale…” 

The two shorter men carrying the blabbering blond off your front steps. 

“He’s quite the lightweight.” You briefly mentioned while over the sink.

 “I’m just grateful there’s still wine left. Go rest, I’ll get the dishes.” His larger frame takes up the space at the sink, silently encouraging you to move away. 

So you left clean-up duty to him, a fair trade for making you cook a feast so out of the blue. As you stood under the warm water pouring over your body in the shower, your mind began to replay the conversations over dinner. They made you realize just how little you actually knew about your own husband despite living under the same roof for three going on four years now. 

Once he stepped foot outside of your shared space he was practically a stranger. What was his job like? Who were his friends? What were his favorite places? Hell, even in your house, he was still a stranger. What books is he reading now? When does he find time to work out? What does he do when you leave the house? This realization made you shiver, as you turned the knob to increase the temperature of the water.

 It wouldn’t hurt to try and get to know him a little better. 

One Sunday morning, you walked into the living room greeted by the sight of him reading one of your old light novels. Seeing his large hand hold the bright book, decorated with a pair of lovers embracing, while his eyes studied the text like his academic papers was almost comical… If only you didn’t wish to sink through the floor in humiliation. He must’ve lost interest in his own books, or maybe he’d gone through his whole collection. 

Either way, to prevent such an occurrence from happening again, you began to pick up some books for your husband on your way home. 

‘Metaphysics’, ‘Epistemology’, ‘Quantum Mechanics’: those seemed like topics that’d interest him, you reasoned as you stood in line to purchase them. Your eyes caught sight of a certain book, ‘le rouge et le noir’, on a whim you decided to add it to the stack of heavy books. Not for your husband, but rather for yourself. 

That night you handed the books over to him as he was about to go to his favorite reading spot on the couch. 

“What’s this for?” He stared at the stack of thick books in your hands. 

“Just passed by a bookstore and figured you might need something new to read.” You gestured for him to take them. 

“You didn’t have to go out of your way to gift this to me. Thank you, I shall read them.” His low voice indifferent as always, finally taking the weight out of your hands. 

You proceeded to move over to the smaller sofa in the living room and plopped down. Pulling out the book you had purchased earlier, you glanced up at him eyes questioning why he was staring. Alhaitham cracked open one of the academic journals you gifted him and averted his teal gaze. 

This was a break from your normal routine, but you felt like it’d be a nice change to get back into reading. It also gives you the opportunity to learn more about Alhaitham by spending more time in his presence. But more importantly, it would allow you to keep an eye on your husband to ensure he doesn’t go snooping through your bookshelf again. Maybe you should just donate them, but no library in Sumeru would ever accept them.

Soon that break from routine became the norm. Every night after the kitchen table was cleared, dishes cleaned, and bodies freshly towel dried you and Alhaitham will sit adjacent to each other enjoying quiet reading time. The soft light from the tall floor lamps and soft flicks of turning pages adding to the ambiance of the room. 

From time to time, you can hear the sound of him writing some sentences down on a notepad. So he likes to take notes on the books he reads. You learned something new. 

Another new fact you gained from your observations of your husband was that he reads fast, really fast. He had already finished all three books before you were even halfway done with yours. You had to act fast lest his teal eyes begin to wander towards your bookshelf again. So, you found yourself back at the bookstore once more. Picking up any thick academic journals on topics ranging from ancient ruins to the newest peer-reviewed breakthroughs.

Maybe you should also pick up some notepads and sticky notes, you saw how thin the pad had gotten last night. It just so happened that the romance section was right by the shelves of stationeries. The book from Fontaine you had bought on a whim was in your opinion more psychological than romantic. However, the romantic elements present seems to have reignited your interest in the romance genre. 

Oh well, you were grown enough now to not be so easily swooned by poetic descriptions of love. You picked the first book whose description piqued your interest and added it to the basket. 

One of the first lessons taught to the children of Sumeru was to be cautious when putting out campfires. If not killed correctly, the unseen smoke can make fallen leaves catch fire. A small flame grows into a hellish blaze that consumes whole acres of forest. 

--

   “Thank you very much. Again, this isn’t necessary.” Alhaitham still took the books out of your hands. 

The small notepad on top of the stack caught his attention, his teal eyes looked into yours with a questioning glance. 

“Your notepad’s running out, and there was a sale.” 

“I see.” 

From time to time during your quiet reading session, you would glance up, a part of you hoping to see Alhaitham use the new stationery you’ve just bought him. A frown tugged at your lips when you saw he had set it to the side in favor of his old, thinning notepad. Maybe the color isn’t to his liking. 

You continue to buy stationeries for him. Any fancy notepads or post-its that caught your eye at a store, every time you give them to him, he would thank you. Then proceed to never use them. Perhaps, the ones you got were too fancy? He seemed to like simple and practical items. Next time you got plainer ones, just simple squares of plain paper, he still left them untouched. 

Maybe, you needed to find higher-quality ones. But if he didn’t like them then why does he keep accepting them? Should you try your luck with pens instead, he does go through quite a few. Ah, the sentiment from the very first time you met him still rang true to this day. Alhaitham is a weird Alpha. 

He was an enigma to you. 

You were an enigma to him. 

Alhaitham wasn’t sure when it started, but his mind grew curious about you. Perhaps it’s because he read through his collection of books, or maybe because things at work have been dull lately. Thus, he deduced it was only logical that you started to pique this interest in a bored mind. You lived in the same house and slept in the same bed. With you constantly being in close proximity, of course, he will want to learn more about you after more than three years together. 

One of the best ways to start studying you would be to start with your bookshelf. Alhaitham vaguely remembers you saying that you were interested in books, yet in all these years in the same space he hasn’t ever seen you touch your own shelf. What a pity, he could’ve used the extra space for his own books. Running a finger along the row of books, stopping on a random one he made his decision. 

--

Your taste in literature is, how should he put it, very different from his own preferences. The descriptions of the actions taken by the Alpha main character and his Omega lover were idiotic, to say the least. The lengthy declarations of the love and affection they held for each other, and the sentences riddled with exaggerations and rhetoric. The romance between the characters was the priority of the novel, thus the plot suffered greatly from it. 

In his opinion, the book was a mess. Yet, he didn’t once feel as if he had wasted his time. Alhaitham discovered a new side to you, is this the type of novel that interests you even as a Beta? The soft taps of your feet suddenly paused as it rounded the corner into the living room. Alhaitham looked up to see a tense look on your face as you stared at the novel currently in his hands. 

No words were exchanged between the two of you as you continued to stare, looking at the book then back at him. It was only for a minute at most, yet it felt a lot longer before you turned on your heels without so much as a word. It was brief, but Alhaitham thinks he saw the tips of your ears flush. Oh, did he stumble upon a guilty pleasure of yours? 

His actions must have been the cause of this deviation from routine, Alhaitham concluded while staring at the stack of books presented to him. Even on birthdays and holidays, gifts weren’t regularly exchanged between the two of you, so this was certainly a surprise. You were looking at him with eyes urging him to take the heavy books from your hands. He couldn’t refuse the offer. 

What came next was even more of a surprise, you sat on the usually empty sofa and pulled out a book of your own. The cover was different from the ones lining your bookshelf, the colors were much simpler, he also notes that the book comes from Fontaine. You were quiet and focused on your own novel, it didn’t cause any disruptions to his sacred reading time so he didn’t say anything about it. 

Soon your curled form on the sofa became a regular sight to see. Every now and then you’d readjust your position, trying to find a comfortable way to hold your book while also relaxing. Alhaitham subconsciously scribbles down brief notes on the book he holds in his other hand. Yet this time when he looked down, he had recorded this small detail about you on the paper. He felt your eyes glancing over as he swiftly crossed out what he had just written. 

A few days later you gifted him more books along with a new notepad. Now there's an unequal exchange happening. You have now gifted him many items, and he has yet to give you anything in return besides a simple ‘thanks’. What should he give you? Alhaitham pondered the question for a bit. 

He realizes that he doesn’t have a firm grasp on your likes and dislikes. Should he try books? No, he’s not familiar enough with your taste in literature to confidently gift a book you’d enjoy. If there was something that you liked, you’d just buy it right then and there with no hesitation with your own money. He thought about it a bit longer. 

When you came home from a particularly tiring day of work you’d often have a small take-out bag in your hands. The frown on your face would melt away the moment you pulled the padisarah pudding from the bag. Alhaitham opened his eyes, he has found the gift to give you. But from which cafe did you get that dessert? 

--

“Oh?” You looked at the padisarah pudding currently on the kitchen table. 

“It’s for you.” Alhaitham didn’t look up from his book. 

“Thank you. Actually, I have something for you as well.” You began to dig through your bag. 

Alhaitham glanced up to see you present him a new notepad and a stack of stick notes, the green paper embossed with gold detailing. He hasn’t even touched the first notepad you had gifted with a pen, and here you were giving him another. Now the current gift balance is even more off. 

You took your first spoonful of the pudding, his teal eyes secretly peeking at your expression as you processed the flavor. You furrowed your brow slightly holding the spoon in your mouth, then shrugged your shoulder as you took another bite. Your face didn’t light up like when you ate the ones you bought. 

Tsk, this means Alhaitham bought it from the wrong store. He knows he could simply just ask you which place made your favorite pudding. However, he finds the opportunity for experimentation in front of him more interesting. He wonders what faces you’ll give for each variation of the dessert. 

He gained more knowledge about you, you have a sweet tooth. He already guessed from your fondness for a certain dessert, but those were a treat for once in a while. You liked fruits, often snacking on them when you were bored on your phone, or as a late-night snack when reading. 

“Mmmh.” You looked down at the zaytun peach in your hand. 

“Is something the matter?” He asked, placing his cup of coffee down. 

“Which vendor did you get this peach from?” You looked over at him. 

“Why? Is there something wrong with the quality?”

“No, I like it. It’s got the right amount of firmness and sweetness.” You took another bite. 

Alhaitham made sure to only get zaytun peaches from that specific vendor. 

--

Currently, the head secretary was facing a small dilemma. On his desk he has amassed quite a collection of stationeries. All in part thanks to you, he took some of the notepads and sticky notes to his office, your gifting habits slowed when it looked like he was using them. The ashen-haired man could not pinpoint where this sudden obsession of giving him stationeries came from. 

Although, he has to admit it is quite amusing to watch the expression on your face as you watched his every time you handed over a new office item. It reminds him of a cat presenting its owner with shiny objects it had found, waiting for its human to react. But the current gift exchange ratio is still off. 

  His teal eyes scanned the report that had been placed on his desk earlier in the morning, there were a lot of important details between the lines on the pages. He should list down the details on a note before passing it on to the CEO. A hand reached towards the pile of post-its on his desk, courtesy of you, before it stopped. 

‘It would be too much of a waste to use good quality paper for such a tedious task.’ He reasons as he used one of the subpar post-its provided by the office. 

Dropping the report off at the CEO’s desk before he headed out for his lunch break. Walking to his favorite cafe, a familiar flash of color caught his eyes, a florist was selling potted pardisarahs. You did always seem to admire the colorful flowers that decorated the top of the dessert. 

He stood there on the street contemplating the plant. Padisarahs are fickle flowers, needing a specific blend of soil and precisely measured amounts of water. Too much sun and the fragile petals will burn, too little and the vibrancy of its leaves fade. He concluded that he didn’t want to bestow such a hassle on you. 

Returning from his lunch break to his office, Alhaitham was greeted by a great violation of his personal space. Covering his desk were stacks of new proposals and applications, those weren’t out of the ordinary. But the colorful squares plastered all over each new proposal were:

Please approve these proposals secretary Alhaitham! They are very important! ASAP

Here are the calculations of the research funds for next year, take a look at them - T

Alhaitham you better approve my application this time, the project is already delayed and I filed this paperwork twice! If you have any respect for your senior then approve this as soon as possible! - K

Head secretary, these are the new amendments to company policies. The legal team is awaiting your approval before we proceed with the implementation. - C

 They used the stationeries that you had gifted him to write nonsense. They had the gall to ask him for favors after they touched his desk without permission and wasted such pretty paper. 

Every proposals on his desk got thrown in the trash without so much as a glance. Nothing got approved, next time they should carefully consult his listed work hours outside the office. 

He didn’t think he’d have to make a sign that said ‘do not touch the items on my desk’ to a workplace of grown adults, but he was very much contemplating it now.  

Later that night, his annoyance from earlier in the day melted away once he cracked open the new book gifted to him. Your form comfortably wrapped in a light quilt as you cradled yours. The minutes turned into hours, the silence comfortable like the heat from a fireplace. A soft snap echoed through the room, your hand moving towards your face from the corner of his eye.

“Is something the matter?”

“Mm? Oh, no. The ending was just sad.” You wiped a tear from your other eye.

He learned something new about himself today, he didn’t like seeing you cry. 

You really should’ve known better. Like Icarus, you’ve flown too close to the sun. The glue binding the wings of maturity and sanity you’ve crafted started to melt and fall apart, causing you to plunge down. Falling back into the obsession of ‘love’. What started as just one book, turned into two, turned into four. Now your once sparsely populated shelves were crowded with new romance titles of all sorts. 

--

 “You’re rather late today.” Alhaitham’s voice made you freeze in place. 

Why did the living room have to be so close to the front door, maybe you should’ve snuck back in through the back door. Sneaking back into your own house, did you revert back to a teenager while in your fourth year of marriage? 

“Sorry ‘bout that, I got caught up with friends.” 

That was a blatant lie, your poor friends were dragged into your mess all because you couldn’t be honest. You weren’t in their company, no, you were in the theaters watching a film alone. But how could you ever admit to him that as the Alpha and Omega lovers danced on the screen, you pictured your faces over theirs? 

Alhaitham acknowledged your explanation with a small hum, never looking up from his book. Good, because you were certain if he did, he would’ve seen right through your lie. 

Was your handsome husband the spark that rekindled your obsession? Or was it the stories you’ve been consuming that made your heart thump harder in his presence? 

You weren’t sure which was which, but you couldn’t deny the truth you’ve buried. You were in love with Alhaitham. It was an undeniable fact. From the beginning, you’ve always liked him. His quiet demeanor, his baritone voice, and his teal-orange eyes. But now you were in love with them, every aspect of him. You hated how helpless it made you feel. 

But you secretly liked how good it felt. After years of dormancy, you finally felt it, the rush described to you in those stories. That can’t sleep love, that delicious burn of pining, the itch in your chest as you laid in bed next to him. Two quilts defining the unseen boundaries of personal space, you longed to creep over it but you lacked the courage. 

What does he smell like? The same shower and laundry products were shared between the two of you. But that is not what you meant. What did his pheromones smell like? Was it a cool fresh scent, cool like the minty streaks hidden through his ashen hair? Or was it deep and woodsy? Maybe he smells like the pages of an old library book. 

You used to pity your Omega classmates, for you knew the stigma and inconveniences they will face in their lives. However, right now you envied them to the point of nausea. They knew what Alhaitham’s scent was, but you don’t. Why did you have to be a Beta? 

The demon known as insecurity you thought you’ve left behind was actually lurking in your shadow the whole time. 

Maybe you should check yourself into the Bimarstan, the fever of love feels as if it’s melting your brain. His gaze felt piercing now, his accidental skinships seared your skin. You had no one to blame but yourself, Alhaitham is not at fault, you were the one who fell into the fire as he sat in his place on the couch unaware. Even after four years you still couldn’t be honest with your own husband.

Feelings were never discussed because he believed you had a mutual understanding that this was for convenience. 

You can’t tell him you wanted more. How can you tell him you wanted more? There’s already a wall four years in the making, too great to overcome.   

‘I need to rein myself in’ Alhaitham thought as his eyes followed your figure through the crowd below. It was a slow Friday at work so he decided to walk away from his desk, arriving at an overpass that looked over the streets of Sumeru. Something compelled him to look below, and under the golden sun there you were, and by your side was another Alpha. 

Dehya is her name, a good friend of yours that you introduced once before leaving for a birthday celebration. A good friend who had the privilege to ruffle your hair and loop an arm around your shoulders as she ushers you into one of the many stalls filled with glittering trinkets. 

His hand tightened its grip on the railing, why did she have privileges he was denied? Alhaitham felt he was stalking his own wife. Idiotic really. 

Skinship was not commonplace between you, an unseen glass wall defining the boundaries of your personal space. Whenever his skin met yours, you’d flinch and pull away as if you were burned. He always just apologize and the two of you would move on without another word. Hell, even if his eyes lingered on you for too long you’d tense up. 

It’s been happening more often now, is it because his eyes started wandering more towards your figure or how his hand itched to hold yours?  

Were you scarred by a past relationship? Were your flinches the remnants of a darker period in your life before him? His jaw clenched. By pulling a few strings he had pulled up more files of your past, to satisfy his mind’s hungry, but there was nothing. It only made his curiosity hunger more, or was it something else? Alhaitham wanted answers to why you hated his touches and stares, yet wanted to be in his presence and give him gifts. 

There was only one conclusion he could come up with: you liked your personal space. And he will respect it, but why did your friends not have to?

There was now a knot in his stomach as if a beast was clawing at it, maybe he should call off work and head to the Bimarstan. He disappeared from the overpass. 

–

“Haitham.” He heard your soft pounds on the door. 

“Leave some hot water for me.” He could envision the pout on your lips, and that’s what brought him over the edge. 

Watching with shameless eyes as the evidence of his guilt washed down the shower drain, running water masking his pants. 

If he can’t touch you, that doesn’t mean he can’t think about you; words spoken like a true creep he silently chastised. Alhaitham doesn’t care to admit how long he’s been doing this, perhaps his primal urges weren’t as controlled as he believed. 

It’s strange really, you’re a Beta yet you make him have these urges.

You don’t produce any pheromones to cling onto his body. But by using the same shower products as you, it serves the same purpose of scenting no? A foolish voice Alhaitham pushed from the back of his mind, taking another pump of your body wash. Maybe he should check the dosage of his inhibitors. 

–

The only opportunity he got to observe you closely was when you were asleep. ‘You’re quite the heavy sleeper’, he notes as his eyes traced over the subtle curves of your cheeks, the contours of your nose, and the softness of your lips. 

It’s accepted wisdom that Omegas were the most beautiful people. The top A-list singers and actors being Omegas only solidified the belief. However, Alhaitham’s confident your existence could challenge that very notion. 

If it weren’t for your distinct lack of a scent, any Alpha could’ve mistaken you for an Omega. Even his guests were taken aback by how your appearance didn’t match your status as a Beta. 

There was a pang in his chest. If he felt those urges when looking at you, then it’s guaranteed that others, specifically other Alphas, have felt it as well. But why? He trusted you to stay true to your convictions of loyalty and integrity… He wasn’t so sure about others though. Even with the inhibitors coursing through his system, he couldn’t seem to push down that annoying hand clawing at his back. 

You stirred, huddling into your blanket more, snapping his attention back. ‘Oh, you must be cold again’. The houses in Sumeru were designed to keep hot air out, so when a northern cold front blew in, you definitely felt it. 

Quietly getting up, Alhaitham pulled the spare quilt out of the closet, gently layering it over your curled form. The knit between your brows disappeared as a pleased expression overtook your face. Were you having a pleasant dream? Was he ever included? Subconsciously his hand began to reach for your face, only to freeze. 

‘Personal space’ he reminds himself as he strolls out of the bedroom. 

It makes no sense to him, you’re a Beta. In fact, the reason why he married you in the first place was because he believed your lack of pheromones and lack of heats won’t disrupt his peaceful life. The matchmaker had called him her biggest challenge, persevering only because of a promise made to his late grandma. 

So, how were you still corrupting his thoughts like this? 

He should read to calm his mind before he attempts to join you back in bed. Thoughts running laps in his head, analyzing then overanalyzing every last explanation he could come up with. 

Alhaitham’s greedy hands made their way over to your bookshelf, perhaps he could sedate a bit of his curiosity as well. Pulling the Fontainian novel that marked the start of a tradition. 

Under the golden glow of a lamp he flipped through the pages, it seems that your taste in literature has matured. Teal eyes skimming past a paragraph before going back to do a double take. 

‘Love born in the brain is more spirited, doubtless, than true love, but it has only flashes of enthusiasm; it knows itself too well, it criticizes itself incessantly; so far from banishing thought, it is itself reared only upon a structure of thought.’

He reached an epiphany. 

It looks like you’ve been careless recently. Too distracted by the task of masking your infatuation of your husband from your husband, and maintaining your independent mask to realize that Alhaitham had once again finished all his books. 

The novel right in front of you, moved from its place on your shelf, was proof of that. 

‘It’s a good book’

Your husband’s neat handwriting was present on the small mint post-it plastered on the front cover. It was a simple gesture yet it made your heart flutter as if you had won the achievement of a lifetime. You finally got Alhaitham to use one of the many stationeries gifted to him. 

Carefully peeling the paper off the cover, then folding it to tuck it away in your pocket. 

“At least it’s not another light novel this time.” You affirmed, sticking the book back into its spot. 

--

“The mahamatra have announced a total recall of the inhibitors distributed during the past three months, with reports-”

You were lost in your own little world, contemplating just which books haven’t you bought for your husband yet. Tuning out the sounds of the bookstore playlist and TV as your eyes scanned the titles of the thick books in front of you. 

Would he like Sci-Fi? Sure it’s not academic but maybe it’ll have nuggets of information in there that’d catch his interest. 

--

The weight of the books made your bag strap dig into your shoulder, seeing the house in the distance, you picked up your pace for the home stretch. Tomorrow marks the start of a four-day public holiday, and after the crunch time your boss put you through to tie up loose ends. You needed it. 

Turning the keys in the knob you entered your peaceful little safe haven. 

Only to immediately feel the heaviness in the air. 

Your husband should be home by now, yet the spot on the couch remained empty. His shoes were placed at the door, albeit messily. Kicking off yours as you placed the bag on the coffee table, you navigated your way through the halls. 

The atmosphere was quiet, but not the comforting silence you’ve experienced for the last five years. 

“Haitham?” You called out, about to turn the corner into the master bedroom. 

His black button-down and slacks were thrown all over the floor, a large lump was currently huddled under your blankets on your side of the bed. ‘Oh, he must be napping’. 

Two years in, Alhaitham slept shirtless again like he did before you came. Never before were you grateful that your job made you get up at ungodly 8 am, but having an extra 30 minutes to look at his godly body as he slept made mornings bearable. 

Still, the air didn’t feel right and even if he was messy sometimes, your husband never just threw his clothes on the ground when the laundry basket was right in the corner. His breathing also seemed labored. 

“Haitham, are you sick?” Reaching a hand into the cocoon of blankets, feeling for his temperature. 

A sharp inhale was heard as his breathing stilled, his skin was burning. You moved onto a different patch of skin to confirm it. He must have a fever. 

“You’re burning! I’ll get medicine and water, don’t move.” Your hand quickly retracted. 

Just as your back was turned towards him, like a monster from beneath the blankets a pair of arms entrapped you.

“H-haitham?” His touch was searing you. 

“W-woah?!” 

In an instant, you were pinned under Alhaitham’s towering form, the soft sheets cushioning your body. The place where he once curled was twisted and balmy. Your eyes shoot up at him as he hovered above, your body stiffened. A scarlet haze offset the brilliant teal hue you’ve grown so infatuated with, a sense of impending danger ran down your neck. 

He doesn’t have a fever, he’s in a rut. 

Your thoughts were running wild, bouncing around in your skull as his labored breathing above continued. In all five years, you’ve never seen Alhaitham go into a rut, he was always diligent with his inhibitors. You’ve never been around an Alpha in rut, after all, you were never the one to trigger it. 

It’s embarrassing really, you had no idea what to do, all your experience with ruts came from those steamy light novels. 

“H-haitham, let me up, I’ll get your inhibitors...” You tried to tug your wrists from his grasp. 

Big mistake. His grip tightened as he buried his face into the side of your neck, a low rumble was felt from his chest. Alhaitham had his nose right up against your neck, taking deep inhales as if he was trying to detect something. 

You shivered as your body temperature shot up, you’ve never been this close to him, the brushes of his ashen locks against your neck made your legs rub together. 

“Hey…” You moved your neck away, the sensation was almost overwhelming. 

“Stay still.” A baritone voice vibrated against you. 

On command your body stilled, muscles refusing to move as Alhaitham continued his search. His breath was against your ear, tickling it as he took deep inhales of your hair. A low groan was heard as if he was frustrated with something.  

“Not enough.” 

“Huh?-” 

The sound your blouse getting torn off your body resonated through the air. Even will a layer of clothing gone, your body felt hotter. Just as you began to process the loss of your favorite blouse, another rip rang in your ears. Your skirt was now gone as well. You were so vulnerable under his touches. 

Dragging his nose down from your neck, over your covered breasts, then along your belly. His hands now gripped your thighs as he shifts down to part them effortlessly, eyes focused on your covered cunt. 

Your mind was groggy, reactions dulled, why was the room so hot? Suddenly you felt his nose against your cunt, taking long whiffs of the slick that was beginning to wet the fabric of your panties. That was enough to spark action from you. 

“H-hey!” Your hands pushed against his messy locks as your thighs tried to preserve your dignity.  

“Ah!” You couldn’t stop the moan that escaped your mouth. 

In protest of your attempt to shut him out of heaven, Alhaitham bit into the soft flesh of your thigh. Hazy eyes looking straight into yours, warning you to not do it again. His intense gaze made something deep in your cunt pulse. 

Sharp teeth released soft skin as his attention was back on the honeypot in front of him. Your panties offered as much resistance as wet paper against his swift tug, the fabric now on the floor in pieces. 

Your cunt twitched with each hot breath that hit against its wet lips. With the thin barrier gone, Alhaitham can now freely bury his nose against your honeypot, tingles ran up his spine as the sweet musk of your slick sent his olfactory system into chaos. His throat felt parched as if he had just trekked the desert, he needed a taste. 

“Ah! Ahhh,” your back arched as his hot tongue lapped against your cunt. 

Alhaitham was slurping up your slick like a depraved beast, wet muscles sliding up the whole length of your slit, occasionally dipping into the contracting hole. Your whole body shook when the smoothness of his tongue ran across your clit, toes curling in the air.

 The shower head couldn’t bring out this level of pleasure. The fantasies you envisioned during your long showers couldn’t compare to the scene happening right now. His ministration continued, each stroke of his tongue sending blinding waves of pleasure. 

His hips were angrily rutting against the sheets, erection rubbing against the fabric impatiently. But he had to taste you more, his mind hazy as it craved nothing more than your taste. It was his first taste, but he was already addicted. Your legs tensed up in his grip as a loud whine left your lips, your body shaking as a sudden rush of slick was welcomed onto his awaiting tongue. 

Your sensitive body tried to flinch away as he continued to lap against your swollen lips and clit but his iron grip on your legs didn’t let you budge an inch. Eyes rolled back as the sweet torture continued. 

Your body convulsed, did you just cum again? Two orgasms sapped you of all strength, everything fell limp as your moans continued to fill the room. Your mind too foggy to even process the feeling of embarrassment. It felt so good, yet it was torturing, your cunt was sobbing for something else. 

As if taking mercy on your desperation, or maybe his desperation had reached its limit, Alhaitham pulled away. Teary eyes followed his motion, watching as he aligned his length with your greed.

You’ve seen him walk out of the shower in just a towel, how did he hide this behind a puny towel? 

Your cunt’s eagerness blocked any hesitation from reaching your brain as his length dragged itself against your soaked lips. The pillow behind your head was not enough, you needed something more solid to hold onto, to ground the last shred of your sanity. 

Shaky hands released the plush pillows, outstretched towards Alhaitham’s immense frame. A growl ripped through his chest as he dove into your arms at the same time as his length thrusted fully inside you.  

“OH!” Your fingers left deep stretches along his shoulder blades. 

His pants and soft growls vibrated against your neck as your eyes rolled back again, the fullness you’d been craving has been fulfilled. The stretch burned in all the right ways as your walls clung onto his member, thick and hard. Soft legs locked around a solid torso, your body pressed against his as his frame pinned yours to the bed. Just as you were adjusting to feeling of his length inside, his hips began moving. 

They were merciless, slapping against your hips and ass as the force made your whole body bounce. His length punishes your walls as it pulled out to just the tip only to be slammed back in at full strength. You clung to his muscular body for dear life, breasts bouncing out of their home in your bra. 

Nonsense was spilling out of your mouth as your brain malfunctioned from the blinding flashes of pleasure. The slick slaps of your cunt eagerly welcoming his every move and the headboard of the bed knocking against the wall complimented each other. 

Alhaitham’s pants were growing heavier, growls deeper as his tongue began to trace up and down your neck. The sensation along with his thick tip bullying your poor sweet spot pushed you over the edge for the third time. Walls clamping down to milk him as your legs squeezed him, the pleasure was toeing the edge of pain, much like how your brain was on the verge of madness. 

Nothing interrupted the pistoning of his hips as he fucked you through your orgasm, heavy balls slapping against your swollen lips. 

As the high was beginning to wear off, his pace became impossibly fast, the solid wood headboard now banging against the poor wall. Your bodies rocking together on the bed, he buried his face deeper into your neck. His teeth danced along your shoulder as your moans sang in his ears. He wanted to hear more of it. 

Alhaitham’s hips slammed against yours one final time before they stilled, teeth digging into your shoulder to suppress a moan, burying his length deep inside your cunt as his thick seed spilled. 

Your greed drank all of it up gratefully as your shoulder stung. 

Your chest was raising and falling fast, lungs trying to hog all the air that it could hold. Heart pounding hard in your ears. Tears and drool wet your face as your head fell weakly to the side on the soft pillow. You were completely spent as your arms didn’t even have the strength to hold onto him. Limbs limp and nerves fried. 

Above you Alhaitham continued to pant into your shoulder, length still buried inside. 

After a couple more harsh pants and deep breaths, you felt him stir, pushing against the bed to unpin you from his frame. 

“Ah-hh ahh~” You felt your walls clench once more around his length as he pulled out, a thick string of mixed slick connected his tip to your hole. 

Your body longed for rest as you turned onto your stomach, face pressed against the pillow, still panting heavily as your eyes closed. 

Two large hands grasped firmly onto your hips, startling your consciousness back as you looked over your shoulder. 

Alhaitham still had that scarlet haze in his eyes as he lifted your hips up, watching as more mixed fluids began to tickle out of your abused hole. Your eyes shifted down and you gulped, he was still erect. 

You were quite foolish to believe that one round was enough to satisfy an Alpha in rut. However, if it weren’t for his firm grasp on your hips, your body would’ve collapsed back into the sheets. 

A loud whine left your throat, vocalizing your exhaustion to him. It’s been a long time since you got any action, the two of you didn’t even consummate on the wedding night, it was spent packing your stuff. 

You tried to shift your hips out of his grip but he only held on tighter, earning another whine. 

Soft kisses were pressed against your back as if he was trying to soothe you. It was pathetic how weak you were to them, instantly melting against the pillow. Maybe you can last one more round you thought as his length rubbed against your slit again. 

Thanks to the extra prep and lubrication from the last round your walls were much more accustomed to the stretch as Alhaitham entered once more. His beginning thrusts were much more slowed and controlled than before as you moaned softly into the pillow. 

This couldn’t last sadly, as his lust overtook him again and his hips once again slammed into you, forcing a choked moan from you. Using his hands, he held your body up as he pulled all the way out until the tip then cruelly forced it all back into you. 

You wanted to beg him to rest, but you also wanted to beg for more. Your sloppy cunt accepted all his punishing movements with gratitude as the wet walls thanked his length with kiss-like contractions. 

Your eyes were rolled to the back of your head, mind absolutely blank, the pleasure must’ve melted your brain. All you could do was grip the tear-soaked pillow and let out moan after moan, the poor wall still getting beaten by the movement of the headboard. Tension building up once more in you. 

 Somewhere along the lines, you felt his teeth graze against your nape as his thrust picked up the pace once more, a sign that he was close to finishing. He was panting against the back of your neck as if he was searching for something. With a particularly harsh snap of his hips, he bites deeply into your nape as he releases a fresh batch of seed. 

“Why?”

You felt the frustrated growls against your skin as he bites again at a different angle. The pleasureful pain seems to have jump started your brain for just a second. 

‘Oh, he’s trying to bond.’ You felt Alhaitham’s soft locks brush against your shoulders as he continued his fruitless search. 

You were once reminded that you were just a Beta, unable to form a bond. He could bite your neck as many times as he wanted. His teeth can pierce the flesh until the skin was raw, but it would be all for naught. He’ll never get that satisfaction. You don’t have the glands to be bitten, to be marked, to be bonded with. 

You weren’t an Omega. There was now a heavy knot in your chest. 

–

You weren’t even sure what day it was, all you can recall is the hazy cycle of intense lust followed by a lull before the next round. During the lull, you did your damnedest to keep yourself and him hydrated, often having to lure him into the kitchen for some much-needed water and quick snacks. 

The air of the house was thick with the musk of sweat and desire, very nerve of yours fried from pleasure. 

Once again your body was pinned under his, legs thrown over his shoulders as his hips desperately snapped against yours. 

Every article of clothing has long since been removed, allowing your breasts to bounce along with every thrust. By now you were certain the shape of him was pounded into your cunt. The soaked sheets below clutched in your hands as if to ground you from floating up to cloud nine. 

The harsh pants and low growls above you increased in frequency in time with his thrusts. He must be close again. 

Fortunately, you’ve noticed that the breaks between each round have been getting longer and longer. A sign that the rut was ending. If you survive this you’ll bring offers to the sanctuary of surasthana to thank the archons for their blessing. Maybe after the feeling returns back to your legs of course. 

Suddenly your face was pushed into the side of his neck, the scent of sweat now stronger. 

“Bite.” His rugged voice commanded. 

Ah… he wanted you to mark him. With clumsy teeth, you felt around the smooth muscles. You can’t sense where his glands were so you just bit down at random along his neck. It was useless, you knew it, but still...

Alhaitham pushed himself eagerly against your teeth, encouraging you to bite harder with a growl. You obliged. 

His teeth ran along your raw neck, already covered in his bites and hickeys, searching for one last spot. Your jaw clamped down harder as his teeth sank into your neck one last time. Hips stilling as one final wave flooded into you, it was hard to tell when one orgasm ended and another began. 

Your hands found purchase around his back again, holding him close as you panted against his neck. Against yours a frustrated growl vibrated once more, his muddled mind confused as to why no bond has formed. 

“Why?”

There was that cold pierce of pain again. 

The large hand on the back of your head held your nose close against his searing skin. It could’ve just been your fried nerves, but as the darkness overtook your vision, you could’ve sworn there was a warm and opulent scent of wood and books.

 If you were reborn, in the next life could you recognize his scent?

Your eyes opened up to blinding sunlight. Your body ached as if it had been through hell and back, bones threatening to turn into dust at any second. The large bed messy and only occupied by one body. Shifting your sight away from the stinging light, his empty pillow came into view. 

You weren’t sure what came over you, but even as your muscles screamed you pressed your nose into the cold pillow and inhaled. Nothing. Just sweat and disappointment. 

Just what were you hoping for? That a few nights of passion would birth a miracle? That you’d somehow turn into something you couldn’t be? In the end, you were still you. Those novels must’ve rotted your common sense, stupid. 

Bitter tears fell onto the pillow, you didn’t have the strength to hold back the sobs as they wrecked through your body. 

Yes, you were stupid. So stupid from the very start to believe that this could work. That maybe after a few more years, maybe at the seven-year mark, he could fall in love with you as well. 

The dream of his tender eyes looking into yours with love crumbled right there in front of you. 

 A cup clanged onto the desk in the room as footsteps quickly made their way to your side, a blurred figure knelt down. 

“Is your body hurting anywhere? I’ll take you to the Bimarstan.” Alhaitham gently sat your covered figure up, trying to see the extent of the situation. 

Your small hands pushed against his solid frame, his motion stilled as you refused to allow him to see your face. 

However, Alhaitham knows he didn’t have the right to. Not only did he invade your sacred personal space, but he did so like a wild beast. Not allowing your body to rest or replenish itself as he trapped you to the bed for almost four days. He deduced that you must be hurting, that you must be scared of him now, and that must be the reason behind your tears. 

Guilt was suffocating him. Those stupid urges, that stupid rut. His stupid hands refusing to let you go.

Throughout your whole marriage, you had put on the mask of independence, someone who did not need to lean on a husband for comfort. Yet here you were, bawling out your eyes in front of him like a child. Your façade has been cracked, tears soaking into his pillow and snot trickling down under his unwavering gaze. 

What was the look on his face right now? You couldn’t see through the mirage of tears blurring your sight, not that you had the courage to face him. Was it disappointment? Right now as he observed your vulnerable figure, did he feel lied to after all these years? Like he had just discovered the defects in a product? 

The freezing water of self-loathing, doubt, and insecurity filled you like a boat whose haul had been pierced by the jagged edges of an iceberg. You were drowning, your limbs kicking and thrashing with all their might trying to resurface. 

For a brief moment, your face bobbed above the crashing waves.

“Let's get a divorce.” 

Those were the only words you managed to choke out in the space between your sobs before your head disappeared under the murky waters once more. 

His whole body froze as he processed your words. Alhaitham had already deduced why you wanted to end this relationship, he had hurt and scarred you. Yet, like a child, he still wanted to clamber for more answers. 

“Why?” He said through clenched teeth, you couldn’t see it but his hands had a slight shake. 

“We’re not satisfied, Alhaitham. I-it’s not working, I-i can’t satisfy your requirements. I-i can’t make you happy, I-i can’t make you love… me.” Hiccups breaking up your sentences.

That was it, you spilled out all your secrets. Your lungs and throat hurting as if you just pushed salt water out of them. 

Alhaitham’s hands were balled up so tightly his nails broke the skin on his palms. 

So, you weren’t happy. He couldn’t make you happy. He felt as if he had dropped down to the tier of a fool. A fool who didn’t know how to make those bitter tears of yours stop. 

He released you. 

You felt his presence disappear from your side. The touch of warmth he provides was now gone as coldness fully engulfs your whole being. The tears just wouldn’t stop. Is this what those heartbroken sobs actually felt like? Why did you ever think this was something to be desired? You truly were an idiot. 

You weren’t sure how long had passed, a few seconds or a few minutes, but his presence returned back to your side. He looked as if he had something in his hands. Were they divorce papers? Ah, Alhaitham was a man who always had a plan for everything. Did he have a premonition that this marriage was doomed from the start? How long has he had them?

Alhaitham didn’t feel like he had the right to touch you. However, he needed to do something to make you look at him. Please, just look at him. His large hands tenderly grasped yours as if they were made from glass. You still hid your face from him.

“I won’t bind you to a life that brings you unhappiness. But.. You have to tell me” His voice wasn’t as steady as he wanted it. 

“If you want strolls through the market, tell me. If you want to be woken up with sweet whispers, tell me. If you want to hold hands across a date night table, then tell me. You have to tell me what will make you happy.” He wasn’t sure if those were your unfulfilled desires or his.

You could only tighten your grip on his hands as you sobbed harder. 

Your statement from before was incorrect. Alhaitham is also at fault for this pain you were going through. If there was one feeling that was just as addictive as love, it would be hope. Please, please don’t give false hope. 

“I-i’ll disrupt your-r life…” You managed to choke out.

His thumb gently stroke the back of your knuckles.

“How could you ever disrupt something you’re a part of?” 

Your hesitant eyes finally met his teal gaze, his eyes soft as opposed to their usual stonewall stare. With the walls down, you were given a glimpse into the whirling emotions behind them. Endearment, sincerity, and hurt danced along the green-blue irises. 

“As for your last reason, here. I should’ve just given this to you directly.” His hands let go of yours, picking up the item he had brought.

He handed over the book you had placed back on your bookshelf a few days earlier, the one he had left his note on. So, he didn’t have divorce papers prepared? Your trembling hands accepted it, and through your teary eyes, you finally noticed the torn-out green and gold note contrasting between the cream pages. 

Tenderly, you unfolded the piece of paper retrieved from the book. Quickly blinking to clear your eyes from excess tears. In the neat script of Alhaitham’s handwriting: 

 ‘Love born in the heart as opposed to Love born in the brain:

 When one loves at first sight or goes looking for love, then one is essentially just attracted to someone for the sake of being with someone. Not looking objectively at any warning signs or relationship flaws one has with someone. If there are any issues, the bias of infatuation blinds you to them. 

So that's loving with the heart, based solely on carefree addictive emotion, even though it feels stronger and more enthusiastic on the surface. 

Love from the brain is more logical and objective. You take the time to understand a person, seeing them for them with unbiased eyes. You understand them thoroughly and can maturely and objectively work through the turbulence of life together. Individuals who set aside precious time to manually repair creaks, maintaining the structural integrity of a home that shelters their affections. 

With the diligence of a conservator preserving ancient scripts on papyrus that should have been disintegrated long ago. 

The latter rather than the former describes the bond forged between my wife and I.’ 

Your grip crumpled the side of the paper.

“What does this mean?” Hesitation in your voice as tears blurred your vision of his teal eyes. 

“I love you.” He confessed. Three words have been overdue for years.

‘Don’t be filled with false hope’ Your mind echoed.

 “I’m not an Omega…”

“That’s not a requirement for love.”

That was it. It was as if you’ve been waiting all this time for him to say those words. The words of affirmation you didn’t know you needed. The key to free you from the cage of insecurity you’ve built for yourself. 

Your feet now touched the warm sandy bottom as air rushed back into your lungs.

  It looks like you’ve figured it out. Regardless of what definition of love has been pushed by external forces, these feelings he holds for you are objectively pure and true love. His hands tenderly took yours away from its grip on the paper. If you wanted him to, Alhaitham will spend the rest of his life proving it to you. He’ll conduct every experiment and collect all the data points to present to you. 

How silly, a red thread spun by two pairs of hands, created through undying trust, respect, and admiration had already tied the two of you in a bond. The love you were trying so hard for had always been right in front of you for five years.

The blanket draped behind your head resembled a wedding veil as the fabric folded and gathered around your trembling body. ‘Beautiful’ He thought. 

The room was a mess, sheets and clothes strewn all across the floor. The musk of lust still hung heavy in the air, the residue of sweat and other fluids still clinging to skin. Your hair was all over the place, tears still pouring from your eyes, his hair was no better. But in this moment, there was nothing more Alhaitham wanted to do than this: 

“Will you take me, Alhaitham, as your lawfully married husband? To love me through sickness and health, through poverty and wealth, and through sun and rain?” 

Sobs were still wracking through your body, words unable to form in your mouth but you were nodding your head enthusiastically. Your hands felt small firmly holding onto his larger ones. 

“I, Alhaitham, will take you as my lawfully married wife. I will love you through sickness and health, through poverty and wealth, and through sun and rain… I do.” 

It was a silly sight to behold, but in this moment as he finally sees a smile break out on your face, it means the world to him. 

There’s a saying from a well-known poet from Fontaine it goes as follows:

‘Love is being stupid together.’ 

And clearly, the two of you have been very stupid. Oh so stupidly in love.  

Fin~

Authors note:

The long quote was taken from Stendhal’s The Red and The Black

The last quote is from Paul Valery

Also communication is v important to any relationship, people can’t read minds Alhaitham. If you made it this far, thank you and hope you enjoyed!

DON’T PLAGIARIZE, TRANSLATE, OR REPOST MY WORKS ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS. 

[starlostseungmin]

whispers ─── lee felix.

✰ notes : first of all i'd like to announce that i reached 3k friends here! thank you so much for that and i appreciate every single one of you! <33 anyway if you watched ABOUT TIME movie, you are already familiar with this scene because it's inspired by it. i just made a bit of changes and with felix in it so i hope you guys like it (this is not proofread btw) also, please DO NOT FORGET TO REBLOG, COMMENT AND LEAVE TAGS after reading! thank you <33

✰ tags : @notastraykid , @ameliesaysshoo , @l3visbby , @reignessance , @lix-ables , @skzfelixlove , @rachabreathing , @hyunverse , @minluvly , @sleepyleeji

masterlist | taglist.

felix went home a bit late that one saturday night after work. he had to see the movie he promised to watch with jeongin at the cinema. you bailed out after he invited you when he mentioned he got tickets and made a reason to sleep on a day off. he parted ways with jeongin around the block and walked home, alone. 

it was cold, he could see the smoke coming out from his mouth as his hands shoved inside the pockets of his jacketーthe stars were illuminating the dark sky with a few clouds in sight but his eyes wandered around the streets. he was supposed to take the train back to your shared apartment but didn’t want to be disrupted by noisy passengers with loud music banging their ears from their earphones and he tried to take some time to think. 

you’ve been dating for the past three years and it has been amazing. he never felt so happy and contented. the joy cannot be compared to any other things. it was that time when the two of you met at a diner just outside the office where you were working. the purpose was to grab dinner and go home then, this wonderful man showed up who had gotten the love at first sight experience. an opportunity came in and a conversation. he invited you to dates every weekend until the feelings got deeper after getting to know each other for weeks, made the relationship official with labels, and decided to live together. 

for the past three years, it was magical as it made tons of memories that you and felix couldn’t write every single one of them in your journal. the polaroids that were taken are hanging on the walls of your room with dates written on each one of them. those plushies he won for you sat on the shelves, the books being piled up being read or untouched, the albums from your favorite artists being displayed on the table along with the music player and vinyl, the flowers on the vases, the letters and other gifts you’ve exchangedーit was sweet. 

having this amazing relationship with felix is like reading a book without a synopsis or a summary from the covers or even the first pages. you don’t know what’s going to happen. it’s like living every day and there are things you cannot control. it’s either you read and go on with the story with curiosity and braveness or do not read the book at all and miss a series of events that could change your life. yet, you chose to read the book and the author created a love story you could ask for. it did change your life as well as felix’s but one thing’s for sure, there are a lot of trials on the way but it would start by holding your hands together to make a stronger bond, just like how chemical bonds create structures. 

he went inside as quietly as possible as he didn’t want to ruin your slumber. the lights were switched off in the living room and only the entrance’s light censor made him see through the dark as he removed his shoes. 

felix has thought of all the possibilities and the impossible, the rights and wrongs, the obstacles and smooth ways while walking. the consistency of this relationship must remain and be locked. he knew it wouldn’t be fancy but he promised himself that he’ll do it in a way that the two of you would prefer. and now, he’s here, looking at your sleeping figure being wrapped around that white duvet. 

“baby,” he called softly as he shook your shoulder lightlyーkneeling down on the carpeted floor of your room. 

“hmm?” you hummed in response. “five more minutes.” you muttered making him let out a soft chuckle. 

“no, baby, wake up,” he said. “i have something important to ask,” 

your eyes flutter open, from a blurry vision to a clear frame directed at his face. a smiley felix welcomed you as he caressed your hair when you were about to sit up. 

“no, just lay down,” he said. 

“okay,” you smiled. “what is it?” you asked, feeling relaxed on your soft mattress and the coziness of your pillow. 

“you know that we’re happy, right?” he paused as you nodded in response. “i don’t know if it’s the movie i watched with jeongin that made me feel this way, it's always the romance genre that would hit me to reality and the thought that i always have you by my side—” he added when you put your index finger on his lips, hearing a piece of romantic music playing gently from the living room as it echoes through the open door of your room. 

“is that romantic music?” you asked. “and you’re on your knees while saying something that i doubt is not just a love confession,” you added while fighting to stay awake which felix laughed shyly. 

“yeah,” he said, licking his lower lip in embarrassment. “i am,” 

“go on,” you smiled. 

“will you marry me?” he asked which made your smile bigger and now you’re fully awake. 

“i think,” you paused, clearing your throat. “i’m going to say, yes to that,” you added, looking at him in awe, saying; “and thank you for doing this that does not involve a lot of people and other crowds. i don’t like many people,” 

felix smiled gently and placed a soft kiss on your lips before tracing his fingers on your cheeks, “i also don’t like people,” he said. “thank you for saying yes,” he whispered before leaning forward to kiss you again. 

“i love you, darling,” you said in between. 

“i love you more,” he answered. “get back to sleep, alright? i’ll join you in 10,” 

“okay,” you said softly as he smiled, leaving a kiss on your forehead before exiting the room shushing han and seungmin for playing the instruments he asked for support outside. 

©️ 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐒𝐄𝐔𝐍𝐆𝐌𝐈𝐍 , 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒.

[hellwantfuckme]

skin to skin

summary: when azriel's mate has a nightmare, he looks for any way to make her comfortable.

warnings: blood, kind of torture(?, fluff, comfort

author's note: this is lazy, but, well, is something.

All she could feel was the hands cracked by the cold and Cassandra's chemical products on her, holding her by the shoulders, striking her cheek with force, though Eclipse didn't register the pain, only the warmth of her hand against her tear-soaked cheeks. Cassandra's terrified, angry face, too close to hers, screaming incomprehensible words while another voice shouted her name, Cassandra's blonde hair tickling her collarbone from how close she was, and Eclipse could only cry and endure.

"This is what you get," Cassandra shouted, her voice harsh and stern. "You wanted to be brave, ungrateful wretch? Be brave now."

The blade of her dagger found Eclipse's tender thigh, pressed until the first drops of blood stained the floor. Eclipse knew she was screaming, but couldn't hear herself with the blinding pain overwhelming every sense. Cassandra wasn't even touching her; the only thing holding her in place were the cold iron chains surrounding her, keeping her arms pinned to her worryingly thin figure. Cassandra buried the dagger, and another heart-wrenching sob escaped Eclipse's lips. She was cold.

There was so much blood. Blood soaking her body, she could feel every fine layer of it against her skin. Though she couldn't smell it, all she could smell was cedar and mist and…Azriel.

That's what Azriel smelled like.

The realization hit her, woke her up. Eclipse opened her eyes whimpering, all she searched for was that scent, his scent, the scent of home. To pull her out of that hell, to help her. Eclipse felt the familiar tug of their bond, hers and Azriel's, in her chest, telling her he was there, with her. She saw no trace of blonde hair, of thick crimson liquid.

Azriel was in front of her, his hand cradling her cheek, his shadows gliding over her collarbone as if they were also on the lookout. They were neither cold nor warm, just a disordered ghostly touch.

"A nightmare," Azriel reassured her, his voice the one that had been calling her name. He was near her, his warm body pressed firmly against her. "Just a nightmare, Eclipse. You're okay, you're home."

Eclipse let another trembling whimper escape her lips, sitting up. Still somewhat confused, overwhelmed by the sensations. There was no blood on her body; it was just sweat, and Cassandra had never struck her cheek, it was the warmth and security of Azriel's hand. Eclipse threw herself into his arms, and he happily received her, allowing her to bury her face in his chest, sobbing. Her trembling body, her still pale skin. Azriel felt his heart break at seeing his mate like this, frightened, no, terrified, clinging to him like a life preserver in the sea and she was drowning.

Azriel wrapped his arms around her, feeling her sob, tears wetting his chest as the torturous sound of her pain filled the room. Shadows swirled around her skin, wishing they could calm her, wishing they could do something for her as Azriel maneuvered to cradle her in his lap, her face now hidden in the hollow of his neck, the sobs unceasing.

Eclipse felt Azriel's hand travel down her back, a slow and gentle caress, how he had learned calmed her. Almost unconscious already, it produced a familiar sensation, a feeling of home, the only home she had known before Azriel, when she was still just a child. When her mother used to stroke her back to sleep, with a healthier appearance, the kind of memory she would have liked to have about her. But only the feeling remained.

The heat of his skin against hers only slightly managed to calm the rapid beating of her heart, which had threatened to burst out of her chest just minutes ago. The tears kept flowing, one after another, coming from the place where she had buried them as that memory. Not a nightmare, a memory. Eclipse heard Azriel's reassuring words come out of his mouth, an attempt to comfort her.

The starlight poured into her room along with a gentle breeze, light enough to not make them lose their warmth but enough to give Eclipse's overheated skin a respite. She would have sworn the curtains and windows had been closed. She assumed the action was thanks to the House, just a thought in a corner of her mind while all her attention was focused on the memory of blood, pain, Cassandra's face mere inches from hers.

Her chest tightened painfully every time she thought about it, her breathing became difficult, and her eyes clouded over again. The anxiety that seemed to flow through her veins became more noticeable, causing her to tremble. And the oxygen in her lungs was no longer enough.

Azriel noticed himself entering a panic, she wasn't calming down and he felt every emotion in his chest as if it were his own. Eclipse kept clinging to him, as if she couldn't get enough of it. As if she feared seeing her if he stepped away for just a moment. Azriel's hands fumbled with the hem of her nightgown, thinking about all those times when feeling his warm and firm skin against hers had worked to calm her. To try to prevent her from going all the way into an attack of something, anxiety or panic, it didn't matter, as long as the goal was to avoid it. Azriel managed to get Eclipse to release her grip enough to pull the nightgown over her head, and then, take off his own shirt. Then, he brought her close to him again, making sure to give her enough contact. Allowing his scarred hands to trace her skin up and down, his fingers finding the fifteen-centimeter scar on her thigh, the irrefutable proof of the horrors she had experienced at the hands of Cassandra's cruel dagger.

He searched his mind, every corner, anything he could remember about what she had told him, wanting to do the exact opposite, to keep her away from the memories. Desperation tore something inside him.

"You're fine, Eclipse. You're safe."

It took an hour filled with patience, caresses, and comforting words before Eclipse's breathing became regular and the moisture on her cheeks, which had constantly been coming out of her eyes, stopped.

Azriel knew she wasn't asleep, especially because of the way she moved so gently that it was almost imperceptible, uncomfortable from the sweat residue on her body.

Only when he was completely sure she was stable, he moved her from his lap with the tenderness of someone holding in their arms the only reason for his existence, and laid her on the bed.

Her eyes were red, the swelling minimal, and the tip of her nose tinged with pink. His chest hurt to see his mate's condition, and the cold, sharp, icy rage for Cassandra surfaced. But he pushed it down, it wasn't the right time. And in reality, it would never be the right time, not when Eclipse still saw Cassandra regularly, and when she felt it was too much, Azriel accompanied her. Azriel didn't understand how she could love someone who had inflicted so much pain on her, because even though the only reason Eclipse visited Cassandra was a promise tattooed on her skin that she wanted to get rid of, Azriel knew that deep down, Eclipse loved her. Or something like that, it was a much more complicated feeling than pure love.

He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and then got out of bed. His legs took him straight to the bathroom attached to his room, and he turned on the bathtub faucet, letting it fill with warm water, the temperature Azriel knew Eclipse preferred after years of taking baths together and him complaining that she bathed with water that was too hot.

When the bathtub was full, Azriel left the bathroom, finding Eclipse in the same position he had left her, a bit calmer than before, but still a discomforting expression on her face. The sweat. Azriel knew that the feeling of sweat on her skin, or actually the feeling of anything dirty on her skin disgusted her. So much so that she couldn't sleep in peace.

He passed his arm under her knees and side, lifting her, carrying her to the bathtub in his arms. She had stopped trembling, but the paleness in her skin was still there.

Azriel left her in front of the bathtub, her skin bristled when she felt the cold tiles under her feet. Eclipse removed the only garment that still remained on her body, and stepped into the bathtub, sighing as the hot water touched the tension in her muscles. The knots in her back.

After a few seconds, Azriel reached for the shampoo bottle and knelt behind her body, pouring a generous amount of the liquid soap, enough to wash her brown hair and spread it carefully so that it did not fall on her face. She sighed, letting Azriel massage her scalp, the tension eventually leaving her.

Eclipse closed her eyes, forced herself to focus on the way Azriel's gentle fingers rubbed her scalp, the way the shadows entwined between his fingers, resting on the bathtub. She opened her eyes when the anxious feeling had disappeared, when she was able to keep her voice steady.

"I'm sorry," Eclipse murmured, after a while, when Azriel was finishing lathering her hair. "I know... I know you have an early training, I'm sorry for waking you up."

"Eclipse, you have nothing to apologize for. It's okay, it's fine," Azriel assured her, his voice as soft as velvet towards his mate.

Eclipse nodded, still looking subtly guilty when Azriel gently pushed her shoulders down, indicating that she should sink under the water to rinse her hair.

When Eclipse emerged, with her hair free of shampoo, Azriel took a sponge and lathered her lavender soap, then took care of cleaning every piece of her skin. Eventually, Eclipse seemed more present, Azriel felt her more with him. Her brown eyes fixed on him, devotion mixing with vulnerability.

When she was finally clean, free of any impurity or discomfort, Eclipse got out of the bathtub by herself as Azriel handed her a towel. Tiredness settled into her bones, she dried off and put on another nightgown, while Azriel took care of drying her hair and then braiding it.

Azriel had taken care of her like this a thousand times, just as she had taken care of him, but the warm feeling that settled into her chest was like the first time. Eclipse was pretty sure that, before Azriel, she had not mattered to anyone enough for them to do this for her.

When her hair was fully braided, Azriel placed his hand on her lower back, guiding her out of the bathroom and back to bed. The bond between the two of them shining faintly, peacefully golden, like a thread on both their pinky fingers that bound them together.

Eclipse lay on her side, but Azriel surrounded her with his arms, drawing her body to his, resting her head on his shoulder. Eclipse sighed contentedly, settling in as Azriel's scent surrounded her.

"I love you, Az," she murmured, as sleep closed her eyes and she slowly sank into the embrace of Morpheus.

"I love you too, sweetheart," although, by the time Azriel had whispered the words, with all the sincerity of his being, Eclipse was deeply asleep. But he knew that she had felt it through their bond.

[a-reader-and-a-writer-for-all]

Difference of Opinions (Part 2)

Fandom: Spider-Man, Spider-Verse, Across the Spider-Verse, Miguel O'Hara, f!Reader Summary: Miguel left you for dead but you don't give up so easily. And with a little help from a friend, you soon find yourself safe at home. But your relief is short-lived as you are faced with some skeptical Spiders and the fact you will soon have to confront Miguel... Word Count: 4811 TW: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Glitching, Left for Dead, Betrayal Notes: Sorry that Miguel doesn't physically show up in this chapter, but he plays a major part in both the next chapter and the prequel!

Prequel, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Series Masterlist

*Spoilers for Across the Spider-Verse*

The glitching was getting worse. By the time you made it to your lab on the other side of the building, it was happening every thirty seconds or so. You stumbled through the door and crashed into one of the computer consoles as you lost your balance. Every inch of your body ached and felt as fragile as glass. It seemed as if the chemical bonds that held your atoms together were about to shatter leading to you basically vaporizing down to the atomic level. Which you guessed was what was about to happen. 

Another glitch hit causing you to crumple to the floor. Once your body realigned itself, you tried to climb back to your feet but you just didn’t have the strength to anymore. Instead, you rolled over to your stomach and began to drag yourself over to your desk. It wasn’t far, but by the time you reached it, you were barely able to lift yourself up to find the hidden compartment underneath. You pressed your thumb to the biometric lock and gave a huge sigh of relief when the drawer popped open. Reaching inside, you pulled out the small cloth bag and held it against your chest.

You knew you had to hurry before another glitch occurred, but you were so exhausted that your fingers were clumsy and fumbled as you tried to untie the bag. It took about three times as long as it should have, but you finally managed to open it up and you slid the contents into your hand. 

It had been over a year since you had last held the red amulet but it instantly made you feel stronger. Running your thumb across the spider carved in the stone, you couldn’t help but smile. This little piece of your homeworld didn’t contain any powers on its own, but it helped boost your powers and would hopefully ward off the glitches long enough to send your message. 

Sliding back to the floor and laying on your side, you pressed the amulet to your lips as you closed your eyes and concentrated. Your eyes rolled back in your head behind your eyelids and you felt your mind slip into the space where the intricate web of dimensions existed.

This was your power. This was what set you apart from every other Spider-Person and how you had helped Miguel build the Society in the first place. You had the ability to gaze through the veil and see the interconnected web that made up the Acracnoid Humanoid Poly Multiverse. It was also how you got the name Spider-Gazer, or Gaze. It was with this ability you first contacted Miguel’s dimension, traveled to different dimensions without a watch, mapped out hundreds of different Earths and their differences, discovered the Canon and helped Miguel and Lyla design a model so everyone could understand, and how you learned the dangers of trying to change the Canon. None of this would have been possible without you, and now all of your work had been turned against you. 

Once you sensed who you were looking for, you whispered, “Hobie, I know you can hear me. I need your help. Please. Come get me before it’s too late. I just want to help Miles. I promise. I–”

A glitch cut you off and you dropped the amulet as your body was once again torn apart and reassembled by this dimension trying to arrange your atoms to fit its unique configuration. As everything somehow managed to right itself once more, a small sob of pain slipped from your lips. Whatever strength or stability you had gotten from the amulet was now gone, and you felt yourself returning to this dimension as you no longer had the strength to continue reaching out across the multiverse. It was all over. This lab that you had built with Miguel and where you spent countless hours lovingly by his side was going to be your final resting place. 

You were about to die alone and abandoned. 

Your eyes returned to normal as you stabilized but you kept them closed, resigned to just giving in to the encroaching darkness. However, a moment later you heard the familiar crackle of a portal opening up and you peeled your eyes open to see the soft glow of a portal in front of you and a pair of heavy gray-scale boots appeared in your field of vision. 

There was the sound of a soft tongue click before a heavily-accented voice said, “Well, lookit here. The queen’s decided to join the rebellion, eh.”

Using the last of your strength to roll over slightly, you looked up at Hobie and gave him a weak smile. “Damn straight.”

His muted palette flickered back to the full-color spectrum as he nodded. “‘Bout bloody time.”

He reached out his hand to help you up but just before his fingers brushed yours, you were hit with a massive glitch and everything went black.

Even before you opened your eyes, you knew where you were. No matter how many dimensions you had traveled to or what sort of protection you used against glitches, no other world made you feel this sense of belonging and inner peace. You were home.

Someone had placed you on a bed and you ran your palm across the sheets beneath you, savoring the feel of the muted faded edges against your skin. It was such a welcome comfort after so long of nothing but hard lines and definitive boundaries surrounding you. You had missed being the only thing around that looked or felt like you.

Every universe was different in at least one way. Sometimes those differences were instantaneously recognizable like obvious aesthetic differences while others might be something so minute it was almost impossible to pinpoint (such as the Earth without the element protactinium or the one where all hummingbirds fly 2% faster than on other Earths). 

Though you hadn’t known it until you began to visit other dimensions, the main thing that set your world apart from others was the edges of everything. There was no sharp cut-off or firm line around you. Instead, your outline sort of dissolved away to nothing. It had been a terrifying encounter the first time you met Miguel with his pronounced angular cheekbones and well-defined figure. Though to be fair, he was just as perturbed by your appearance.

Miguel had once described it as if someone had smudged your edges until they were all blurred and hazy. Recently, Gwen had found a more artistic way of describing it. She compared most universes to art with sharp edges while yours was more of a soft edge, like the background of a watercolor or oil painting. But regardless of how others described you, the fact was you and those from your universe weren’t as solid or stable as most.

It was why the glitches hit you so much harder and more frequently than any of the other Spider-People. Your genetic structure was already less tightly bound than those from other dimensions which made you more susceptible to the glitches. That plus the fact your powers were connected to the multiverse and attracted multidimensional energy whenever you left your home meant that you couldn’t survive outside of your own universe without the stabilizers for very long. Something you had once learned the hard way.

Opening your eyes, you glanced around the room and were shocked to find it wasn’t just any room. It was your room. The one you had lived in a few years ago as you were learning how to traverse the multiverse. Back before you had left your world to help build the Spider Society. You wondered how Hobie knew to bring you here.

You were still in your Spider-Gazer costume though you spotted your mask laying on the table next to the bed. And right beside it was your amulet. Thankfully, Hobie must have grabbed it from where you had dropped it before he brought you here. You reached over and picked it up, a fresh wave of energy flowing through you as you did. For a moment, you had thought you might have lost it forever and that thought had devastated you. After all, it had been in your family for more generations than anyone could remember and it was what had originally helped connect you to the Acracnoid Humanoid Poly Multiverse. Your powers might not have come from it, but it amplified them which had allowed you and Miguel to accomplish all the things you had thus far. In fact, without the amulet, you never would have been able to reach out to Miguel in the first place. 

Miguel….

Honestly, you weren’t sure how to feel about what had happened or what he did to you. Loyalty and commitment to him and your mission to protect the multiverse meant everything to him and you had gone against both to try and help Miles. After everything he had been through, you could understand why Miguel was so devastated by your betrayal. However, that didn’t excuse the fact he left you caged and glitching on your own with only one possible outcome….

You were pulled from your train of thought as the door opened and Pavitr walked in holding a cup of water. But when he saw you looking back at him, he dropped the cup– spilling water across the floor –and run from the room hollering, “Guys! She finally woke up!”

A minute later, he returned with Gwen, Peter B. Parker, and Mayday trailing behind. As you struggled to sit up slightly, Mayday shot a web above your head and swung over to land directly in your lap. Before Peter could snatch her away, you drew her close and snuggled your face into the top of her knit spider-hat. She hugged you back as you cooed, “Hey there, little one.”

“Mayday…” her father muttered as he held out his arms, but you shook your head.

“It’s fine, Peter. I’m okay.” However, you noticed the nervous look that he exchanged with Gwen and you felt a deep pit open up in your stomach as you realized their concern. “Ah. You’re not worried about me. You’re worried about her with me.”

Peter shifted uncomfortably as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s nothing against you, Gaze. It’s just we don’t really know where you stand right now.”

“Well, I seem to recall the last time I saw you, you were heading back to your dimension while I was left glitching out of existence in a cage,” you snapped. “But I can see why I would be the one whose loyalty is being questioned.”

Peter stared at the floor, unable to meet your eye. “You’re right. You helped Miles, even when most of us tried to follow Miguel’s plan. But Gaze, you’re Miguel’s girl. I’ve known the two of you longer than almost any other member of the Society and I’ve seen what you are both willing to do for the other. How do we know you aren’t going to tell him we’re all here, what we are planning, and have him come to this universe to stop us?”

“First of all, may I repeat that he left me in a cage to glitch into nothing?” There was more venom in your voice than you intended and you felt Mayday cower slightly in your arms. Instantly regretting your tone, you kissed her softly on the top of her hat and released her to return to her father’s arms. She smiled up at you before she swung away, and you were glad at least she seemed to have forgiven you.

Taking a deep breath, you continued in a softer, calmer tone. “Second of all, Miguel can’t come to this dimension even if I wanted him to. We had a fight once and he kept following me across dimensions when I tried to walk away. After that, we decided that this– my home dimension –would be a safe place for me to go where he couldn’t follow when I needed some space. So I used my powers to ward it so he can’t enter this dimension. Even with his watch.

“And third of all, I love Miguel deeply, but in this case, he’s too blinded by his pain and loss to really look at this situation objectively. So you need me because I may be the only one who can get through to him and make him see that.”

Peter caught Mayday as he exchanged a look with Gwen. They both still seemed slightly skeptical of you and your motives and you tried to keep your frustration from coming back. They had been just as involved in Miguel’s plan to stop Miles as you had been, maybe even more so seeing as they were his friends. And you had tried to help Miles even as they had continued to try and make him see the logic of Miguel’s actions. They may not have agreed with how Miguel went about it, but they were full supporters of not letting Miles try to save his dad. Only you and Hobie had originally wanted to let him try and go against the Canon. Yet you were still the one who was considered a threat to Miles. The hypocrisy was unbelievable. 

But as Gwen opened her mouth to say something, Pavitr jumped in. “Guys, come on! Just trust her already!”

Gwen shook her head. “Pav, I’m sorry but you weren’t there. It’s more complicated than that.”

“No, but Hobie was and he trusts her. He never would’ve brought all of us here otherwise. And if Hobie’s willing to trust someone, that’s good enough for me.” He gave you a bright smile and you almost burst into tears.

“Thanks, Pav.” You glanced around at the other Spiders in front of you. “Well? He’s right. You either trust me and we start working together to save Miles or you don’t and you should get the hell out of my apartment and let me rest.”

Gwen shot Peter another look. After a moment’s hesitation, he shrugged in her direction as he placed Mayday in her carrier. “It’s up to you. You’re the one who gathered us all here and you’re the one who knows Miles the best. If you think we can trust her…”

Chewing on her lip, Gwen considered the situation. The longer she stared at you, the more the anger and frustration began to build in your chest once more. But just as you were about to tell them all to forget it and to get out of your dimension, Gwen said, “Pav’s right. Hobie doesn’t trust people easily so if he trusts her, then we should too.”

Peter sighed and held up his hands. “Whatever you say. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if this goes sideways.”

“Yeah, Peter, because it’s never your fault is it?” you ruefully chuckled, ashamed by the way it caught in your throat. Seeing him still doubt you even now hurt more than you wanted to admit. Glaring at him, you spat, “It’s true what you said. I’ve known you for longer than almost anyone else, and yet you still turned your back on me and walked away when I needed you most.”

Peter’s face darkened as he looked away. Gwen must have noticed whatever fragile peace your group had settled on was at risk of falling apart already because she said, “Um, can I speak to Gaze on my own?”

Pavitr –who had been anxiously watching your back and forth with Peter– sighed in relief and nodded. With another wide smile in your direction, he hurried from the room. 

Peter began to follow him, but he hesitated at the door. Without looking back at you, he muttered, “I’m sorry. You were right. I left you there in that cage knowing what would probably happen. I wanted so badly to help you but I had Mayday and I couldn’t…. I couldn’t risk what Miguel might do to her if I tried to interfere.”

Your glare softened a bit at the pain and regret in Peter’s voice. You knew he was right. If Miguel was angry enough to turn on you, there was no telling what he would have done to anyone else who tried to cross him at that moment. And you would never want Mayday to be put in danger, despite what that meant for your own safety. 

So, you sighed, “It’s okay, I get it. Your daughter comes first. Always. And that’s how it should be.” You squeezed your amulet still in your fist tighter and tried not to think of your own family or what they had done to keep you safe. “Regardless of how I feel about what happened, you should know I think you’re a fantastic father and Mayday is so lucky to have you.”

Peter’s head whipped around to face you and you saw tears welling up in his eyes as his lips began to tremble. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but then closed it again without a sound. Then he nodded once and hurried from the room.

Gwen watched him walk away for a moment before she shut the door. “That was really sweet of you to say.”

“He tries so hard with that kid, he deserves to know it isn’t in vain.” You pushed yourself up so you were in more of a sitting position and asked, “So now that we trust each other, where’s Hobie? I want to thank him for coming to get me.”

“He’s out looking for parts to build more watches. I have a few other friends I want to bring with us to look for Miles but we’re afraid that if we use Miguel’s watches, he’ll be able to track us.”

You nodded. “He can, so that’s good thinking. That’s why I called Hobie for help instead of any of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I taught him how the watches worked a few months ago. I was tinkering with a broken one and he kept looking over my shoulder so I walked him through how they worked. Then I noticed him swiping equipment and parts ever since you all arrived at HQ earlier today. So when I needed help, I figured he would have assembled his own untrackable watch by now… Or at least, I hoped he had.”

Gwen shook her head. “But if you knew he was building his own watch before everything went wrong, why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you stop him?”

“Since when does Hobie listen to anything anyone tells him?” you chuckled. “If I would have told him to stop, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Besides, after seeing how worked up Miguel was getting over Miles already, I had a feeling it wasn’t a terrible idea for there to be a non-Society watch out there somewhere. Turns out, I was right.”

“So you did know Miguel was going to do that to Miles.”

Sighing, you said, “We all knew what he was planning, Gwen. And we all agreed to it so we could uphold the Canon. I just…. I never thought Miguel would take things that far.”

Gwen hesitated for a moment before she asked, “It can’t be true, can it? Did Miguel really leave you imprisoned without a watch knowing what that would mean? Did he…. Did he really leave you to die? I just can’t believe it. He loves you. Everyone knows that.”

You stared down at the amulet in your hands, unable to look her in the face. In a small voice, you said, “Miguel isn’t a bad man. He’s just been hurt in the past like all of us. And like all of us, he’s found ways to cope with his pain and loss. One of those ways is cutting out anyone or anything that he feels may hurt him again or betray him. And I did both.”

“But what Miguel was doing was wrong!”

“You didn’t see it that way at first.” You lifted your eyes to stare at Gwen and it was her turn to look away. “I’m not judging you, Gwen. I know how hard it had to be to lie to Miles about what was about to happen and to try to keep him from stopping it. We’ve all had to accept the losses that come with being a Spider–” Your mind once again flashed to your mother and late fiance, but you quickly push them from your thoughts “– but Miles is new to this. He may have lost his uncle a while ago, but finding out he was also about to lose his father was never going to be an easy thing to accept.” You gave her a soft but pointed look. “Just like you refusing to go home because you can’t accept your own father’s impending death.”

“But that’s just it…” Gwen came and sat on the edge of your bed. “I did go home. Miguel sent me there and I saw my dad. He’s quitting his job which means he’ll no longer be a captain. He doesn’t have to die anymore! The Canon of my universe changed! So, maybe Miles can change his dad’s fate too!” 

You didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. Canon events had shifted in the past, switched from one person to another, but they never failed to come to pass. Or if they did, it led to the potential collapse of that universe. Her father may no longer be the captain she was close to who would die, but that didn’t mean another captain wouldn’t take his place eventually. However, that was a conversation for another time. 

So instead, you gave her a small smile and nodded. “I’m glad, Gwen. Really, I am. And I agree that Miles has a chance to change the Canon. It’s why I tried to stop all of this before things got so out of hand. Miles is unlike anyone I have ever seen before. It’s true he’s an anomaly but he’s not a fatal one. I can see that he’s connected to the multiverse and the Canon and yet is also separated from it. I’ve never encountered anything like it before. I just wish I would have realized it sooner. Then maybe I could have convinced Miguel to let Miles at least try to save his father. Maybe then Miguel wouldn’t have… wouldn’t have–”

You shook your head, unable to finish the words that were too painful to say out loud. It had been one thing when you had snapped them in anger at Peter, but now, when you were calm and able to fully face what Miguel had done to you, it was different. You just kept seeing that dead expression on his face and the cold gleam in his red eyes just before he hurled you across the room. The sound of his complete lack of emotion as he snapped, “She made her bed, now she can die in it.”

You and Miguel had been in each other’s lives for so long. Even before you started your romantic relationship, the two of you had been extremely close friends and partners. Sure, you had had your ups and downs, but nothing anywhere close to this. At that moment, he truly hadn’t cared what happened to you. And even if there was a chance he changed his mind and tried to come back for you, it didn’t undo what he had done or said. But while your head continued to scream these things at you, your heart couldn’t let him go– at least not yet. 

However, if there was any hope of reconciling with Miguel, what you had planned next would obliterate that sliver of a chance. But it was the right thing to do.

Taking a deep breath, you said, “I know how to find Miles.”

Gwen stared at you in surprise. “What? How? I already checked Earth-1610 and he’s not there which means the Go Home machine messed up and he could literally be in any other universe.”

“How do you think?” you scoffed as you let your eyes roll back into your head and the room around you melted away into the familiar glow of the multiverse. “I just need something of his to tune into.”

“Here!” You felt Gwen jump off the bed and out the door. A moment later, you heard her return and place a soft piece of clothing in your hand. “It’s his jacket. I took this when I visited his place on Earth-1610. It’s pretty worn out so I’m guessing he wore it a lot.”

Feeling the residual energy radiating from it, you nodded. “Yeah, this should work. Just give me a few minutes.”

Mentally, you reached out into the tangled web of dimensions as you searched for the person who matched the feel of the jacket in your hand. You found several who were close– Miles Morales’s from other Earths –but not the one you were looking for. Finally, you were drawn to a cluster of Earths to your left and headed in that direction. A moment later, you caught a hint of what you were looking for. And what was more, your Miles didn’t seem to be alone….

Leaving the dimensional void, you sagged back heavily on your pillow with a soft sigh of exhaustion. Normally, a search like that would have barely registered to you, but you were still drained from being almost glitched out of existence. 

After collecting yourself, you nodded at Gwen. “I got him. He’s on Earth-42. And it seems he’s found the Miles of that universe.” 

“Oh!” Gwen said in surprise. “What does that mean?”

“Potentially nothing, but meeting your doppelganger from another dimension isn’t always easy to accept. You’ll need to approach the situation carefully when you go get him.”

“Me? What about you?”

“I’m going after Miguel.” You saw the skepticism spark on Gwen’s face. “It’s okay. I’m not going to tell him where Miles is. But while you guys go find Miles, get him home, and try to stop Spot so you can save his dad, I need to try and stall Miguel. Maybe I can finally talk some reason into him.”

At that, Gwen’s skepticism shifted to worry. “The last time you tried that, he left you for dead.”

“True, but I wasn’t prepared because I never imagined he would stoop to that level. Now that I know the extent he’s willing to go, I’m ready for him. I know Miguel better than anyone else. I know his strengths and weaknesses, and I know how to stop him if I have to. And if nothing else, I can buy you guys some time.”

“He could kill you. For real this time.”

“Yeah, he could.” You looked down at your amulet. You could still back out. Go with Gwen and the others instead of trying to face Miguel. But you knew this was their best chance for success, even if that meant you might not be there to see it. 

Sliding your amulet over your head and letting it fall to its rightful place on your neck, you said, “I should already be dead, but Hobie saved me. The least I can do is try to use that life I was given back to save my friends.”

Gwen took your hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “Thank you.”

You smiled and squeezed her hand back. “I just need a little more time to regain my strength. What I need to do takes a lot of energy and I’m just not there yet. But I should be ready by the time Hobie finishes the watches and you get your other friends on board. Then we’ll each go do what we have to in order to set things right.”

This wasn’t going to be easy. You still loved Miguel and you knew despite what he did that you would love him until your last breath. But this was no longer about the two of you. In fact, it never really was. Miles was different– special –and he might be the key to discovering a way to change the Canon for all Spider-People. No more destined loss, no more unavoidable pain. But only if Miguel will listen to you and what you have seen. And that was a really big what if.

As Gwen left the room to fill everyone else in and let you rest, you picked up your amulet from where it rested on your chest and placed a soft kiss on the cold stone. Sending out a small tendril of power through the multiverse in the hopes he might hear you, you thought, I’m coming, my love. Whether you’re happy to see me or not.

Taglist: @zebralover, @covenlovenn, @amecchii, @gram-cracker24, @keenzinemugstudent, @cubaton1551, @multifan-bitch, @princessbarnes19, @horneybeach1, @mellovespasta, @corpsebridenightamare, @leiosvnii, @littlefreakymunson, @newearth5s, @wokpokerface, @nickey-diano, @scoobdoobdoob, @froyoshow, @erensbbg, @nataliahemsworth, @bontensbabygirl, @freeingrebels, @g-on-ef, @123lmao123, @midnight-the-shadow-wolf, @elizabeth-von-winken-universe, @namjooningera, @owaowaowawa, @mizu-san, @daemonlover, @gullible-diamond, @unavoidabledirewolf, @freeingrebels, @antiherocorn101, @mintqueenjo, @eccedentesiast-sapphic

[viviennevermillion]

wide awake

notes: sorry i haven't posted any writing in a while, chapter 7 part 2 hit me like a burning truck full of chemicals racing at 200km/h towards an elementary school.

word count: 9,2k words

about this work: this was inspired by katy perry's "wide awake" as a contrast to malleus' humming of "once upon a dream." set during and after chapter 7. i don't know how this chapter is going to proceed so i'm going out on a limb here but yeah

synopsis: you woke up to the world crashing down on you, realizing what malleus had done. he had wanted you to be happy forever in a dream...when all along your dream had been him...will you ever forgive him?

contains: malleus draconia x (gn)fae!reader, angst to fluff, fighting and making up

warnings: angst. lots of angst. also chapter 7 spoilers. themes of loss

dark content creators & consumers dni

...thunder rumbling, castles crumbling; i am trying to hold on. god knows that i tried seeing the bright side; i'm not blind anymore....falling from cloud nine...

Falling in love with a crown prince had never been on your list of predictions for your school years at Night Raven College. If you were to be honest, you had been surprised that there were even other fairies attending the school. For most of your life, it had always just been you. The people came and passed you by and as the years went on; you’d gotten used to it. People came into your life and they never stayed for long. That didn’t make their bonds with you any less meaningful. In a way, they lived on through you. Through your memories and the stories you told of them to younger generations. And it always made you smile to see how people listened with awe about the ones you held dear in the past and learnt to love the same things about them as you did. 

With each bond you had, you grew and learnt and as long as you did, nothing was truly ever lost. The world around you changed as you helped it grow as best as you could while you stayed roughly the same. But Malleus Draconia had changed you. When he came into your life, you knew not soon after that your world wouldn’t be the same again. 

You remembered the day you had met him for the first time. Not long after the entrance ceremony, you had used the lively dinner party held to welcome the new students, to slip away and explore the area on your own; running into the dorm leader of Diasomnia in the process. You almost chuckled at the memory. You had worried about getting in trouble on your first night at Night Raven College; being caught outside past curfew by a dorm leader. But you soon came to realize that Malleus wasn’t supposed to be there either and that your new acquaintance had a habit of sneaking out without his retainers as well. 

You remembered how odd Malleus had appeared to you that night. Unlike everyone else, he wasn’t wearing his ceremonial robes and he didn’t even seem to know that the ceremony was today even though he was a dorm leader. Fireflies were dancing around him and he seemed pleased that you were ready to strike up conversation with him but equally as troubled, for he feared you might not keep his late night strolls around the campus and to the village at the foot of the hill to yourself. You had chuckled.

“Alright, here’s the deal”, you smirked at him, “I’ll keep your little secret to myself…if you take me with you. Maybe you could show me around…I think that could be fun.”

He had looked shocked back then but knowing him as well as you did now, you could imagine just how bewildered he was that you had just met him and were ready to hang out with him just like that.

“Very well then”, he laughed with a cheerful expression on his face, mumbling something about how you knew no fear. You did now. 

“So, is this a habit of yours too?”, he had asked, eager to get to know you. 

“They haven’t built a place that can contain me yet”, you had joked, which made Malleus laugh once more. Slowly but steady you had brought fresh wind into his life. For a fae, you didn’t seem like time had left you behind. Rather than that, you were always in motion, changing and growing along with the world. In a way, that made him envy you as much as he did admire you. Through it all, watching you, Malleus felt like a mountain carved into the landscape of the world; strong and unwavering but looking down from his pedestal at the lively ways of the humans and feeling unnoticed and uninvited. Where he seemed to hardly notice the passage of time on some days and dreaded the inevitable that was waiting for him in the future, you seemed grateful for every day; finding wonder in all that was fleeting, carrying it with you as a treasure that was yours to keep even when it had long left this world. 

He almost couldn’t believe his luck when you joined his club and kept inviting him to spend time with you. Malleus hardly ever declined. He grew enamored with you; accepted you into his life and always hoped that maybe you’d choose to stay. And you learnt to love him. You loved how eager he seemed to learn about anything new you could show him about the world and how surprised he looked when he was met with something unexpected. You loved his smile and you wanted to be there to share his happiest moments with him. You loved the way he pouted whenever Lilia dared to unpack the embarrassing childhood stories about him. 

As time went on, it became undeniable that your bond was something special; as if fate had brought you together for each of you to have a companion at long last. Someone who would stay when all else faded. Days were just a little bit brighter with the prospect of seeing Malleus. You heard Lilia joke once about the way his eyes lit up when he saw you for the first time after a long school day, hoping you’d ask him to take a walk with you or show him a new board game or one of those movies he was so unfamiliar with. You went to festivals and cinemas; listened to each other’s favorite songs and read each other’s favorite books. Which in Malleus’ case happened to be a lullaby from Briar Valley he played for you on the violin and an antique book titled “Gargoyles and their mystical origins”.

You remembered the melancholic sound of the violin, remembered how you marveled at his mastery of the instrument. You knew now the sad songs he played were a testimony to his ever-present loneliness; to all the unchanging years inside his castle and the dreams he longed to make into a reality but never could. Even as thorns had clouded your view and the last thing you heard was the quiet humming of the man you loved but didn’t recognize…you remembered the songs he played for you once and how he had smiled when you complimented how beautiful it was and encouraged him to show you another melody from his homeland. You remembered the way he had shared his world with you in an attempt to give you something back for all the new experience you introduced him to and you wondered how things had spiraled this far out of control. Where did we go wrong?

In your eyes, Malleus Draconia became someone who wore his heart on his sleeve. You could see how he felt in the thunder outside or the snow falling to the ground; but just as well in his eyes, as much as he tried to hide it. You learnt about his passions; what he treasured in this life and the dreams he didn’t dare voice out loud. With time, they became all too familiar to you. 

So it came as no surprise to step outside after the internship orientation meeting and find soft but cold snowflakes resting on your skin. You sighed as you remembered the way Lilia had announced his departure from this school to everyone and how, contrary to your expectation when you heard the news, Malleus had just as much not seen it coming as everyone else did. 

He heard the soft knock on the door of his room and knew it was you. “Come in”, he called out, quieter than he usually did. You did as he told you, closing the door behind you and sitting beside him on the bed. There was an emptiness and hopelessness in his eyes that you had never seen before. He took a deep breath once in a while, as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words. Like he was lost and all the years he spent alone and isolated left him unable to find his path forward. Malleus was staring at nothing in particular as the snowflakes continued to fall outside. He was caught up in his own world, and if he hadn’t called you in; you would have been unsure if he was even aware of your presence at this moment.

“So…”, you sighed and tried to find the right words but just as well being at a loss at how anything you could do or say could make him feel better right now, “you don’t seem to be doing too well…want to talk about it?” As a fae yourself, you knew the signs. An exponential loss of magic, weakening speed…Lilia’s time on this earth was nearing its end. You were sure that deep down Malleus knew too; even though you could just as well imagine he was denying it in this current moment; arguing with himself that since Lilia had said nothing specific, maybe he really just meant something else than what the prince had understood. He lifted his head slightly and his eyes met yours. In that moment he looked like a frightened child but when he spoke he retained his usual calm demeanor. “I’m just a little surprised, is all”, he sighed and attempted to smile at you, “have you picked an internship yet? During all this commotion, I almost forgot to ask you.”

You shook your head. “I have a few ideas but nothing specific yet”, you mused and leaned your back against one of the bed posts, crossing your legs as you reached for one of the pillows to make yourself more comfortable, “it’s more like I have some skills I want to work on but no specific profession I want to apply to. So I’ll carefully consider my options.” Ever since you met him, Malleus Draconia shook your world and brought it to a different path. You had gone from place to place, working different jobs and meeting all sorts of different people and you had been certain that after your time at Night Raven College was over, that was what you’d continue to do. But now? Now you weren’t so sure. A quiet voice inside you had always raised the idea that maybe you could stay with him. Leave behind the human world you’ve lived in for all your life and become acquainted with your own kind again. A part of his country. Maybe a part of his family.

You were unsure whether Malleus felt even remotely the same as you. Loving Malleus was an all or nothing affair. There was no trial period; no going on dates and being together for a while and splitting up if it didn’t work out. A lot depended on Malleus’ public appearance and to say that him getting into a relationship with anyone would be a big deal was more than an understatement. If you were ready to take a step into that direction, you had to be ready for all the strings attached to the man you loved. A legacy, a crown and a country to take care of. A responsibility to keep peace and ensure that your people could lead comfortable lives. 

Confessing to Malleus would be a big step and you didn’t know if you ever would. You weren’t sure if you were adequate to rule a country; yet it wasn’t necessarily something you were opposed to. 

Leadership, public relations, bureaucracy…those were what you intended to focus on. All things that were important for a ruler. So that, if after centuries of walking among the mortal folk, you decided to put all cards on the table and spend your life by Malleus’ side, you could at least be sure that you were up to the challenge. That was a precondition for you to feel confident about approaching him with your feelings. You didn’t want to risk backing out and breaking his heart. Or being rejected by his people. And even if things didn’t work out, you could still use these skills on your path forward. 

The time at school you had spent with him so far seemed way too short to determine whether you wanted to spend the rest of your days with Malleus, as much as you did love him. And now the year was slowly but surely nearing its end. So you had another idea. 

“Do you have anything picked out yet?”, you asked the man you loved and the one you had grown to consider your best friend. Malleus shook his head as well. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to learn in just 3 months…even 9 seems really short to me”, he sighed and clutched the list with the possible internship locations. You pulled out the map where all of them had been marked. 

“Well, given that we both don’t know yet what we want to do…why don’t we do something together?”, you suggested quietly and spread the map out on the bed, pointing at a couple of locations, “of course we don’t have to do exactly the same thing, but there’s a couple of cities here where the internship possibilities are basically just piling up…maybe we could just decide on a location and then…I don’t know…live there for a while?”

Malleus already had the surprised expression you were so used to on his face, but you continued. “We could get an apartment and explore the place together…there’s a bunch of spots on the map I haven’t been to either…and I could show you one of those human amusement parks you thought were fake when you saw a picture for the first time”, you chuckled and raised your pointer finger, “oh, I know! Or a mall! We’ll get the biggest ice cream cup they have and then regret all of our life choices. And take an escalator. You’ve never been on an escalator right-”

Your words got cut off by the surprise of Malleus’ embrace. It wasn’t the first time you two had held each other, but from the way he was clinging onto you, you could tell he was more distressed by today’s events than he let on. He let out a sigh of relief as you wrapped your arms around him gently and ran your fingers through his hair in a comforting motion. “That sounds wonderful”, he whispered and you rested your head on his shoulder as you closed your eyes and smiled. 

Malleus held onto you like you were his lifeline right now. That just as he was confronted with the inevitable loss of people he held dear, you had offered to stay around a little longer and had shared your ideas with him as if they were something you had been looking forward to presenting to him for a while. A new beginning. He thought about how you’d laugh at his surprise upon discovering all these modern human things you mentioned and how you’d be there waiting for him at the end of a work day, asking him what the two of you should get for dinner. He couldn’t help but smile at the thought. He was looking forward to taking an escalator for the first time. And trying some unusual ice cream flavors with you. Or being on a train. He knew you’d find so much joy in his curiosity and surprise and Lilia would want to hear all about your mundane adventures together-

Oh…right…

Malleus’ smile faded from his face instantly when he remembered. Although hope for the future and dreams of happiness had filled his mind not a second ago, the image of bliss had now been distorted into a world without Lilia. Without him nudging the young dragon fae playfully when he announced that he was off to spend some time with you; teasing him about when he was going to confess his love to you already. Without the horrible food on the dinner table that Malleus wished wasn’t there but that simultaneously Diasomnia just wouldn’t be the same without. Without anyone to guide him when he didn’t understand something. A world where he was on his own, unsteady where you were so self-assured and down-to-earth. A world where he was expected to lead when there were days where he felt like he could hardly stand without his guardian. 

Malleus was staring at the hands he had folded in his lap. “How do you do it?”, he asked, not daring to look into your eyes as he tried to keep it together. “Do what?”, you asked, noticing the shift in his mood immediately. You took his hand in yours and squeezed it gently. "Letting go…”, Malleus mumbled, “moving on after…after they’re gone.” His voice got so quiet as he spoke those words that he wondered whether you had even heard them. You hesitated for a moment, still holding his hand tightly within your own.

“It’s certainly not easy”, you sighed, “it never was and it never will be. But the pain lessens with time.” Your gaze fell to the window as you watched the stars outside; glowing and burning in the distance millions of miles away. Malleus still seemed lost in thought. You remembered the first time you had lost someone who was there for a significant portion of your life. You looked at Malleus’ hopeless expression and knew his world must be shattering into a thousand pieces right now. 

“I like to think that we’re all on an endless journey”, you began again, still looking at the stars but you could see from the corner of your eyes that the fae prince lifted his head to look at you, “in the end, we’re all following a path that’s our own and meant only for us. And sometimes our paths cross with those of others. We meet them, sometimes because we chose to and other times under the most unexpected circumstances…and they walk with us for a little while. They share their journey with us; where they’ve been so far, where they’re hoping to go…”

Malleus seemed to think deeply about your words, now also gazing at the stars outside.

“We rest together, we overcome obstacles together…we love and learn because of each other”, you smiled as a shooting star crossed the night sky, “and one day our ways part. The ones we treasure move on to walk their own path once more and we watch them disappear on the horizon and they never look back. And we have to continue on our path as well. I believe it’s because there’s somewhere else we need to be and that wherever those we’ve parted from are now…they’re all cheering for us to get there. And who knows…maybe we will meet again one day.”

Malleus smiled at you from the side, admiring your outlook on this world. How you could be so full of hope even in the most dire of circumstances…even when faced with loss and death. He knew you hadn’t always been this way. That you too had faced the hardships of learning how to live with your long lifespan and carrying on relentlessly, knowing that at the end of the day you’d remain while all else faded and gave way to something new. You simply had more time to grow and adapt, despite being roughly the same age as him. “That’s a beautiful way of looking at it”, Malleus mused and his thumb brushed over your hand he held as the fearful words he didn’t dare say crossed his mind. That’s a strength I don’t think I have…

You didn’t feel too well, leaving him that night. He insisted he was going to be fine, hugged you one last time before you left his room. Maybe he needs to be alone right now, you thought, process everything that’s happened…and everything yet to come.

Maybe if you just hadn’t left him…maybe if you just tried a little harder…

No, you clenched your fist as the wind blew past your face and you gazed upon the thorn-covered island, this had nothing to do with you. This is his own fault.

That fateful day you had woken up in more ways than one. You had woken up from the sleeping curse Malleus had placed on the whole island; the blissful dream that seemed to suffocate you and shatter your heart into a million pieces. But you had also woken up from the dream you thought you were living. The love you thought you had and the happiness that once seemed all too familiar to you. Gone were the days of laughter and joy and you weren’t sure if they would ever return again for as long as Malleus was a part of your life. Maybe it was time to cut the thread spun by fate to lead you to each other.

You shook your head and tears ran down your cheek as your eyes were blinded by the sunrise. It was as if the sky was trying to comfort you, telling you not to cry as there would always be a path forward, with or without him. 

Even though the dream world created by the spell was gone, two worlds were still existing within your heart. The one before; the one where you were planning to spend your future with Malleus; the way you saw him and loved every little detail….and the way you saw him now. The world where he had overblotted and attempted to decide the course of your fate with his own hand. Where he believed a false dream; an endless loop of joyful moments, could ever make you as happy as the real world had done with him by your side. 

Even though the nightmare had ended, you still seemed to be living in it. You weren’t sure which one was the worse illusion, the dream he decided you and the other students should spend the next thousand years in or the one you lived in before he had disappointed you so much that all you had been able to do for the past two days was weep. The sense of betrayal you felt because of his actions was indescribable, even after all the yelling and explaining you did of your feelings you hadn’t grasped the full extent of it. How could he do this?

You knew how he had felt. You had seen his fear and his desperation; you understood how the only perspective he knew was his own and that at the time, living in a happy dream that would never end probably seemed the better option for himself as well, rather than facing the loss of Lilia, who had been there since he was born, and the knowledge that from now on, he’d only continue to lose more and more. But he dealt with it the wrong way and now he had to take responsibility for the consequences.

“Y/n, please…”, you remembered how he had knelt there in the aftermath of his destruction, gazing upon the shaking silhouettes of his classmates and the worried and confused eyes of his guards. It had started to rain and as he saw his reflection in the puddle left on the ground and looked up to meet the eyes of those who looked at him in a fear that had never been there before; the blissful dream he thought could bring him happiness had finally shattered and nothing remained but guilt. He was used to people avoiding him. To people being intimidated by him and not daring to get too close. But for the first time in his life he saw someone fear for their life around him; look at him like he was one wrong move away from ending it all. I’ve become a monster…

The rain poured down on Sage’s Isle but Malleus could hardly feel it as it hit his face and he wept. He was no stranger to crying. He vividly remembered how Lilia had told you about his many tantrums as a child with a smile on his face. But now, in the face of true despair, he wondered if there was any going forward from here on out. In a fruitless, impulsive attempt to preserve what he used to have, he had broken it so much that it seemed irreparable. He had never seen this expression on your face before. Like something inside you had broken. And never would he have wanted to be the cause of it. 

Malleus, at the time, had thought his “gift” would genuinely be something to make the people he’d grown to care about happy. It was simple; an almost too simple solution to a world that seemed so complicated that it threatened to drown him if he didn’t desperately cling onto all that was familiar; despite all of his power. I should have thought this through…, he clenched his fists as heavy sobs left his lips, I should have asked them what they wanted. This isn’t what they wanted.

In the end, the way he tried to avoid losing the ones he loved had only made him more lonely. It brought nothing but suffering. He was alone; destined to die eventually with no one to stop his overblot. And his loved ones were doomed to sleep a thousand years; robbed of the opportunity to grow as the world kept changing around them. Living in an illusion that was happy but ultimately meaningless.

And now he’d lose them regardless. He broke the bonds he had and now he was left with nothing. 

“Please…don’t go”, he whispered through sobs as your expression turned from one of sadness to anger. 

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done, Malleus?!”, you seemed furious but tried to speak as calmly as possible right now, “you can’t keep people around by putting them into an endless stasis! You could have killed everyone here and yourself! What the fuck has gotten into you?”

Your words were the only sound except for the rain. No one else dared to utter a word. 

Malleus kept his head hanging and didn’t dare to look into your eyes as he replied. “I am so sorry…”

You let out a bitter laugh. “‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t cut it Malleus”, you spat out, “you’re supposed to rule a country one day and yet you have the impulse control of a rabid squirrel. You could have compromised the safety and well-being of your entire nation with this! I understand how you felt but the only way you know how to deal with your problems is through insane magical gimmicks and making that everyone else’s problem in the process. If that curse hadn’t been lifted, those people would have slept for a thousand years and the students would have never seen their families again! The loss you tried to prevent for yourself you pushed onto others. They would have woken up in a world completely unfamiliar to them. I would have never seen you again. You didn’t ask any of us what we wanted before you threw your damn tantrum and decided for us! You don’t want people to be scared of you? Well congratulations Malleus, but you messed that one up royally.”

Malleus' sobs got even louder. “I know…what I did was stupid”, he could hardly speak through the crying, “really, really stupid. I lost control…I couldn’t think. I was too upset and I did something unforgivable…and now i lost your friendship, haven’t I?”

You had no pity left for him at that moment. “Wow, what was your first clue?”, you responded sarcastically. 

Malleus looked at you with a pleading expression, basically begging you to stay at this point. “Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?”, he asked, “I want to make it up to everyone…I can’t undo my actions but I want to make it right for all the people I’ve hurt…so please…just give me a chance.” His voice cracked and you sighed. 

“You can’t undo what you’ve done and you can’t just make it right or earn yourself points and hoping if you’re just kind enough to people and do enough for them, they’ll forgive you eventually”, your voice was calmer now but it didn’t soften your harsh words, “some of them never will. Maybe not even I will. What’s done is done and I swear to god, please do not throw another grand magical tantrum to try and fix it. Face the mess you’ve made like the adult you are and deal with the consequences. The only thing you can do is move forward.”

You hesitated for a moment before you spoke again. 

“No matter how powerful you are, you can’t run from the rules of cause and effect. That’s just what life is like”, you crossed your arms in front of your chest, “sometimes we mess up majorly and there’s nothing we can do to fix it. It’s up to every single individual whether they forgive you or not. There’s no guaranteed way to atone. You can only be kinder to the world around you and hope it chooses to be kind to you in return.”

The two of you remained quiet for a while. Most of the students had used the opportunity to sneak away; to a place they presumed to be safe. Only Lilia, Silver and Sebek were still there. Malleus thought about your words. He knew in his heart that you were right. 

As silence filled the area around you, your anger about what he had done came back. You knew you probably should have just walked away and cooled off…left him to his own devices and never looked back. But you were too angry.

“You tried to play god for us and treated us like game characters or little shrimp in a terrarium rather than people you care about who make their own choices and live their lives in ways you will sometimes disagree with”, you gestured wildly, “it felt like you didn’t even see us as autonomous people but rather toys you can play with however you please. And that’s terrifying, Malleus. That’s something that, even despite your tendency to impulsively respond with magic to upsetting situations, I would have never expected from you and it broke the most important bond I had to another person in a long time…”

Tears were streaming down your face once more as you were reminded of the loneliness both of you were all too familiar with. That despite your unwavering determination and an optimistic outlook, nothing changed about the fact that you’d always end up alone sooner or later, living longer than most people you’d meet throughout your life. That had changed with Malleus. You finally had someone who could be around for the rest of your life and it felt like you had finally arrived somewhere you belonged. Finally found someone to walk the rest of your journey with you. And now he had kicked that dream in the guts and replaced it with his own delusional idea of a happily ever after. 

He had been your dream. Sharing your happiest and worst moments with him. Going through life together; staying by each other’s side for as long as you could.

“I wanted to stay. And you wouldn’t even have needed some dumb dream world for that. I’ve thought about moving to Briar Valley after graduation even though there’s no electricity and the books are 200 years old; all so I could stay with you. I would have trusted you with my life before this, Malleus”, your voice cracked, “right now I wouldn’t even trust you with an hour of my time.”

Your words stung and left him in shock. He knew you treasured him as a friend…but that you cared for him this much? He had no idea. He always thought his love for you was one-sided and now he had broken it, possibly beyond repair. He could have had someone who stayed by his side for the majority of his long life…he could have had that and he pushed you away. 

“Will this ever change?”, he asked quietly as you turned around and began walking away from him.

“Goodbye, Malleus.”

Your heart had hardened over the past few days. At first you had locked yourself in your room; living off dry bread and water; unmotivated to go outside. Professor Trein had even knocked on your door a couple of times to make sure you weren’t dead. When students passed by your room, they could only hear you crying from inside. 

Eventually the overwhelming sadness just died and left behind an empty void. The sun had risen and was breaking through the curtains. You could lay here for days to come and grieve the bond you seemed to have lost but nothing would stop another day. There was no point in wallowing in self-pity, you knew that. You needed to distract yourself; needed a sense of purpose.

So you went down to the village at the foot of the hill to help clean up the mess Malleus’ spell had left behind. The overwhelming amount of magic had made the technological devices on the island utterly useless and in some cases the thorns had destroyed entire houses. Fortunately no one had been seriously hurt physically but the locals were facing all sorts of problems right now. Communication with the mainland was completely shut down and people struggled to make themselves food with the shops closed up and their household appliances not working. Night Raven College and Royal Sword Academy had offered to provide the people with food and shelter, if they needed it, and it almost made you smile at how they had once again managed to turn this into a competition. Some things never change, huh?

Malleus strolled aimlessly around the island, unsure what the future held in store for him. He observed the village from the distance, watching from the shadows as the market place became busy again and the students complained about having to clear it of dozens of vines. He looked at you; at the forefront of it all, putting all your effort into restoring the town to its former idyllic image. He watched you hand out soup to the elderly and help the old mayor set up a fundraiser for the restoration of what Malleus’ spell and overblot had destroyed. He heard that you had suggested to Vil and Neige to hold a benefit concert in order to raise money for the locals. Malleus noticed the smile on his face as he became witness to the kindness you gave to others, one of the many reasons he had fallen in love with you in the first place. 

He remembered the words you spoke that day. “The only thing you can do is move forward.” He was proud to see you do just that and even if you may never forgive him, you had inspired him to do the same; regardless of whatever loss he may face in the future. Malleus saw how you gave a weak smile to a little girl who was crying about her favorite teddy bear that had been impaled by thorns and tried to comfort her, even if you hardly had any reason to smile yourself right now. He could tell that you were tired and still unsure, your emotions all over the place. Since when had he become so perceptive of that?

He heard you let out a genuine laugh as Professor Trein offered to fix the little girl’s teddy bear and she ran over to her parents in excitement to tell them about it. “No way, I had no idea you could sew”, Ace exclaimed with a shocked expression while looking at his teacher. Trein crossed his arms in front of his chest and sighed. “I wanted to make a scarf for my wife’s 32nd birthday years ago”, he replied awkwardly, “not my proudest work but it did make her laugh. So I kept doing it, and with time I improved.”

Once you had heard enough of Professor Trein’s stories about his wife, you moved on to another house to try and clear it of the thorns. You saw how everyone came together and supported each other, and although many Night Raven College students were definitely complaining about it, it still brought a small smile to your face. Malleus had broken your heart but there was so much out there still waiting for you even if your ways parted. So many people worth meeting and supporting with your presence, even if it may long outlast them. 

From the corner of your eye you could notice a boulder being lifted next to you. There was only one person around strong enough to just do that with bare hands. You looked up to see Prince Malleus Draconia in the flesh, removing the thorns he had caused and trying to fix the house they had destroyed with his own two hands. The two of you silently worked next to each other for a while, not daring to say a word. You observed Malleus quietly, hoping he wouldn’t notice your lingering gazes on him. You didn’t know whether you should hate the fact that his presence calmed you or that his helpless attempts at trying to fix this situation without magic almost made you laugh. But you eventually decided to raise your voice.

“You’re not going to use magic to just fix the whole town in a flash?”, you asked, raising an eyebrow at Malleus who in that moment poked his hand on a thorn and watched it bleeding helplessly before you reached for the first-aid kit and handed him some bandages and a pair of gloves. “My magic is still drained”, Malleus explained, “and the blot hasn’t fully disappeared yet. It’s better if I don’t use magic for now.”

He hesitated for a moment, looking down. “Besides…”, he sighed as he put the gloves on, “I don’t…really feel like using magic right now. Not after everything that happened.” You nodded and resumed your work. 

Malleus picked up another boulder and shoved it where it had fallen off the house. “You know that’s not how you build a house, right?”, you sighed and looked at him through half-lidded eyes. “Then how do I?”, he laid a finger to his chin and pondered on an alternative for a while. You pointed to the docks. “There’s a couple of construction workers over there whose job is to do exactly that. Why don’t you ask them and find out?”, you suggested and Malleus nodded.

He followed your advice and found that this was the longest conversation he ever had with someone who wasn’t a student. He learnt that one of the workers was really proud that his son had been accepted into Royal Sword Academy recently and that another one was married to a baker who made the most delicious sweets in town. Malleus mused that he’d have to check these out sometimes. All this time, these people had been living so close to his school and he had never thought about the lives they led and what things they were passionate about and what they wished for. They had been caught up in his spell and he didn’t even waste a second thought on them when he had cast it. On how much they could have lost because of it. He had cast them aside when he should have kept them safe and supported them.

Malleus looked at you and all that you had contributed to in such a short time. And then he looked at himself in shame and realized that you had been much more of a leader than he could hope to be. He had taken the opportunity to get away from the castle and explore the world outside of Briar Valley but he had always wondered what there was left for him to learn at this school. He chuckled at his past naivety. This was what Lilia had been trying to teach him all along, wasn’t it? That the world was so much bigger and more complicated than he ever would have expected and that Malleus had so, so much left to learn. He was hardly ready to be a king.

All the work had left you exhausted and you were glad once the day was over, looking over the island from a balcony at the school. The sun was setting and tinted the horizon in hues of red and orange. You leaned over the balustrade and noticed how the mess of thorns and debris was already looking a lot better than the day before. 

“You sure worked a lot, didn’t you?”, you heard a familiar voice behind you, “makes me wish I would have been able to contribute.” You turned around and your gaze met Lilias. You nodded. The two of you remained silent for a while, watching the sunset as it marked the end of your time together. “When are you leaving?”, you asked, knowing Malleus’ spell had already prolonged Lilias departure. “Tomorrow morning”, the older fae replied with a peaceful smile on his face, “you should come and see me off.” “I will”, you smiled back as a gust of wind blew past your face. 

You thought about the coming farewell and how Malleus would likely be there. Tomorrow would be hard for him, you knew that much…

“You love him, don’t you?”, Lilia asked as if being able to read your thoughts.

You crossed your arms, visibly flustered. “I-”, you pouted, “don’t ask me that right now.”

Lilia chuckled. “He loves you too, you know?”, he didn’t miss the surprise on your face as well as the fleeting smile he got out of you by telling you this. You sighed and raised your eyebrows at the former warrior. “You weren’t supposed to tell me this, were you?”, you knew Lilia had a habit of spilling the beans on the people he raised, even when they were very much not up for that. “Nope, khee hee”, Lilia confirmed your suspicions and you buried your head in your hands.

“I know you’re still mad”, he sighed and his gaze met yours, “but I can assure you Malleus has learnt from this. I can’t stop you from leaving if that’s what you decide to do, but I’m asking you to consider if your anger is really stronger than the bond the two of you have.”

“I don’t know”, you replied. “That’s okay. Take your time and think about it. No need to rush”, he smiled and put his hands to his hips, “so where are you headed now?” 

You thought about his question for a while. You had tried to grow and learn in order to make sure you could face the trials ahead if you were to confess to Malleus. You didn’t know at the time whether his grandmother or his people would even accept you or whether Malleus felt the same for you. But in your pursuit of security and growth you had found something even more valuable: a new sense of purpose. Regardless of whether you’d end up with or without Malleus by your side, the resolve and strength you had gained through the experiences you had with him were your own and they’d remain even if you were to part ways. You didn’t need to marry a prince and rule a country to put them to good use.

You gazed once more upon the island below the castle and the thorns that had been removed from the village squares. You pulled out your phone and noticed that the fundraiser had gone way beyond its original goal thanks to a donation by the Asim family. You smiled as you looked out towards the sunset. 

“I’m going to continue to support others. To improve what is around me and step up to take responsibility. Share my knowledge with others as the centuries pass by. Innovate. Hear people’s stories and follow them on their journey for a while”, you closed your eyes as a sense of determination but also a feeling of peace rushed over you.

“I know where I’m headed. Whichever path I’m on."

You looked back at Lilia who gave you an appreciative nod and a pat on the back. He smiled and seemed satisfied with your answer. “Malleus has a lot to learn from you, if you let him.” The older fae had disappeared when you looked up again.

When you entered the mirror chamber on the next day, Sebek, Silver and Malleus were already assembled there to say goodbye to Lilia. He had brought along all of his luggage and Sebek and Silver were already crying.

“Now, now, don’t get all teary-eyed about me”, Lilia said with a smile as a tear of his own ran down his cheek. He walked over to Sebek and took the first-year’s hands into his own. “Sebek”, he began, “do me a favor and don’t stay holed up in that narrow worldview you’ve grown to have. Make some friends. Let people in. There is so much more for you to see and experience. You’ve grown into a wonderful guard for Malleus but I also want you to find your own path and something you want to dedicate your time to without being focused on another person. I’m proud of how far you’ve come and I’m certain you’ll only grow more from here on out. I wish that you find patience and open your mind to the world around you. It was a pleasure to work alongside you and watch you become stronger.”

Sebek nodded and started sobbing, frantically trying to wipe his tears with the sleeve of his jacket.

“Silver”, Lilia pulled his son into his arms and held him tightly one last time, remembering how he had picked him up when he was just a baby, “you’re the best son a father could ask for. I am so proud of you and you’ve grown into a wonderful young man. I’m glad to call you my son. Don’t look back too much and continue moving forward. There is a great future ahead of you. Don’t worry about your old man too much. I’ll always be there rooting for you, even when you can’t see me. Take care, Silver.”

Lilia waited patiently until Silver was ready to let go. He held onto his father, wishing he could prolong the inevitable but knowing, after all that had happened, that it was time to let go.

And so did Malleus.

When Lilia stepped over to him, he took both of your hands into his and looked into Malleus’ eyes. “Malleus”, Lilia sighed and shook his head, “you caused me a lot of grey hairs with your actions those past few days…but I trust that you’ve learned your lesson and know what you have to do from here on out. All the advice I could give you, I think you’ve learnt the hard way with recent developments. I only hope that you find a way to live your life that makes you happy and feel content.” 

Lilia hugged Malleus and chuckled. “I still remember the time you had an eggshell on your face and couldn’t dress yourself like it was yesterday.” “Do we have to bring that up again?”, Malleus pouted but his expression softened when he heard you laugh beside him. Lilia looked at you. “Y/n, I know that you’re still angry and have a lot to sort out…but do you really think this grudge is something you’re going to hold for centuries?”, Lilia asked, “both of you will be faced with loss over and over again throughout your life. But the two of you will remain alive throughout the majority of it. You have each other. Don’t throw that away. Take care of each other and help each other grow. I know you care a lot…keep an eye on Malleus for me, alright?” 

Lilia chuckled as you linked your hand with Malleus’ and squeezed it gently. “He’s a handful”, you sighed and Malleus let out a laugh, pulling you into a hug with a relieved expression. “Don’t test me, Malleus Draconia”, you hissed but wrapped your arms around him as well, resting your head on his shoulder. Once you parted, Lilia smiled at Malleus. “The last few days have been…a lot”, he chuckled and Malleus sighed, “but I’m proud of you too. And I’m sure that you’ll be a great king one day. You have a long way to go, but you’ll get there. I’m certain of it.”

Tears ran down Malleus’ cheek as he bid Lilia farewell…one of the few people he had known since he was born.

As soon as Lilia had left through the dark mirror, Malleus broke down. It was raining outside again and he was sobbing along with Silver and Sebek. You had pulled him into your arms and let your embrace comfort him; your anger forgotten in light of the loss Malleus just faced and the overwhelming sadness that resulted from it. 

The days that followed were quiet, as if time had stopped. Malleus had needed some time to himself to grieve and you had given him the space he needed but offered your comfort when he wanted it as well. It took a while; the sun rose and set again over the horizon as the days went on, but you eventually heard a knock at your door. “Come in”, you called out and Malleus opened the door, walking into your room and closing the door behind him. He was quiet for a while, just sitting next to you and pondering what to say next. 

“Do you forgive me?”, he finally asked. 

You sighed and chuckled. “I can’t just reject an old man’s dying wish now, can I?”, you shook your head and took Malleus’ hand in yours, “besides…he was right. I’m not going to hold that grudge for centuries. So I might as well let you off the hook while you’re still within reach.”

Malleus’ expression turned to one of relief and he wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly against his chest. Against all odds; against what he felt he deserved, you had given him another chance and chosen to stay. And he would make sure to not let it go to waste. He remembered how devastated and sad you had looked after his overblot. He never wanted to make you cry again. 

You looked up into his eyes. “But no more using magic on people without asking them first…or trying to solve personal problems with magic. You have to promise me that”, you told him, “you get one chance. And if you mess up, promise me you’ll let me go and move forward, okay?” Malleus nodded and he rested his head on top of yours. “I won’t disappoint you”, he promised and squeezed your hand. 

As all the boys who overblotted did, Malleus had started seeing a counselor to work through what had happened as well as through the loss of Lilia. You were still more distant than you used to be but with every passing day you warmed up to Malleus again. You could laugh again and join him for his club activities. You went to his favorite cafe with him after it had reopened; sharing a big cup of ice cream before heading to the beach to watch another sunset. One of many to come.

“How have you been holding up?”, he asked you with genuine concern in his voice as he sat down beside you in the sand. “I’ll pull through”, you sighed, “but sometimes I wonder if I’m still living in a dream and I’m going to wake up to the harsh reality any moment now…”

Malleus’ heart was aching, knowing he was the cause of those feelings. He had broken your trust and it would take a long time to fully restore it but he was ready, whatever it might take. Just no magic, he had promised you that.

“There’s a legend in Briar Valley”, he said with a smile while looking out into the sunset, “of a princess who was woken up from a sleeping curse by true love’s kiss. Lilia used to tell me about it all the time when I was a child. It was my favorite bedtime story. We even hold a festival based on it every year….I was never able to go thus far…but maybe we can go there together sometime…”

“If that’s your attempt at flirting, you have terrible timing, read the room Malleus”, you shook your head but he could tell from your smile that you weren’t serious, “so…are you going to kiss me or not?” Malleus chuckled and pulled you close, his lips finally meeting yours to promise you your happily ever after…as well as that was possible in such an imperfect world. But it was real and it meant so much, regardless of the trials and tribulations along the way. He understood now why a dream would have never made you as happy as he wanted to see you. He had to work for that and he swore to put in all the effort it would take for you to put the past behind you and be certain in the future you could have with him.

You kissed him back eagerly, pouring all your love but also the exhaustion the past days had left you with into the kiss. Tears ran down your cheek and you couldn’t even tell if they were yours or his. Malleus’ lips were soft and still tasted like the strawberry ice cream he had while at the cafe. He held you gently and kissed you over and over again, relieved that you were still here with him, even through all that had happened. He loved you so much and so unconditionally that he had no idea how he hadn’t realized it sooner. 

You had to push him away gently with a chuckle, as Malleus had just been leaning in for another taste of your lips and he probably would have been content just doing that for another three hours. “I still need to breathe, you know?”, you laughed and watched the waves meet the shore. Malleus leaned his head against yours and held your hand in his. The overblot and its aftermath seemed like a terrible nightmare to you now and Malleus’ kiss had woken you up to the dawn of a new day.

“I remember how you told me that those who leave us are off to another path different from our own”, he reminisced, “if that’s true, what do you think Lilia is doing right now?”

You chuckled. “Probably cooking something horrible.”

Malleus laughed through his tears but you could still see the pain that was written on his face. “I miss him”, he said quietly and let you hold him, clinging onto you for comfort. “I know”, you whispered, “I do too.” Malleus nuzzled your cheek before pressing a kiss to it. He looked into your eyes with a loving expression, grateful for every minute he could spent within your presence.

“Thank you for choosing to stay with me”, he squeezed your hand and a smile made its way to his face. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, he was looking forward to the future. “I love you”, he told you and cupped your cheek with his hand, watching you lean into his touch and softly kiss the palm of his hand.

You brushed his bangs out of his face and pressed a kiss to the markings on his forehead, noticing how the action made him visibly flustered. 

“I love you too, Malleus.”

[infinitystoner]

Always Forever

Masterlist

Pairing: Loki x GN!Reader Summary: When a mission goes wrong, there’s only one person whose comfort you crave. Word count: 830 Author’s note: Just a fluffy little Loki drabble for @sarahscribbles! 

I am resilient. I am safe.

You slowly exhaled, repeating the mantra over and over again in your head. Bruce had assured you that the exposure to the HYDRA-developed chemical was likely nothing. However, out of an abundance of caution, you, Natasha, and a few other agents were now in quarantine until he could determine exactly what had happened during your botched mission. 

You paced back and forth as you waited for an update. It had been hours now, and the monotony of the bio-containment facility was beginning to take its toll on you. The endless beeping of machines and whirring of fans filled the small room, and you found yourself longing for fresh air. And sunlight. And Loki. 

He hadn’t tagged along on your most recent misadventure since the assignment had been a seemingly simple one: hack into the outlying HYDRA lab’s mainframe, extract the data files, and be on your merry way. But maybe if he had been there, things would have gone differently… 

Turning on your heel, you frowned as the lab curtain concealing the hermetically-sealed door faintly rippled, the all-too-familiar scent of ancient leather and sandalwood infiltrating your senses. 

“I know you’re here,” you murmured cautiously before Loki peeked out from behind the curtain, flashing his signature grin.

“Darling, I– ”

“You shouldn’t be in here, Loki,” you interrupted, but your words lacked conviction. Despite your frustration, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief at the presence of the tenacious god before you.

He huffed, but his expression softened as he moved closer. “Your concern is admirable, dove, but I assure you, there is nothing in this realm that could keep me apart from you. Especially right now.” 

You bristled at the thought of him putting himself at risk by sneaking into the isolation ward, but a small smile tugged at the corners of your lips as he pressed a kiss to your forehead. His warmth was a stark contrast to the sterile environment, and you leaned into him, soaking up his comforting embrace.

Loki brushed a strand of hair away from your face, his brows slanting upward as he peered into your eyes. “Certainly, you realize I couldn’t just stay away,” he said, voice laced with concern as he moved his hand to gently cup your cheek. “I needed to see you, to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” you replied stubbornly. But of course Loki knew you were lying. 

His thumb traced along your cheekbone, his touch feather-light. “You don’t have to be brave around me,” he said tenderly. “And you don’t have to face this alone. I am here for you, my love. Always.” 

“Forever.” His words set your heart ablaze, unlocking something deep within you – a sense of devotion you hadn’t ever believed possible. Loki had always been there for you, and his unwavering adoration was something you had come to rely on. But hearing him say it out loud, in this moment of vulnerability, was like a spark igniting a flame that had been smoldering for years. It was a feeling that transcended words and logic, something that pulsed through your veins and set every nerve ending alight.

Forever. The word echoed in your mind, reverberating like the peal of a bell. It was a promise, a vow, an unbreakable bond that would endure through the ages. As you looked up into his eyes, he gazed back at you with such reverence and tenderness that your heart skipped a beat.

You had been so focused on trying to be strong, trying to handle everything on your own, that you had almost forgotten what it felt like to have someone there for you. Not just someone – Loki.

His fingers traced along your jaw, and you felt a sense of calm wash over you. His touch was a balm for your soul, easing the pain and worry that had been gnawing at you since your exposure.

“I know,” you whispered, feeling tears prick at the corners of your eyes. 

Loki shifted, bowing forward until his forehead was touching yours. “And no matter what happens, no matter where this life takes us, I will never leave your side,” he continued, his voice low and steady. 

In that moment, a warmth washed over you, like he was pouring all his love for you into your very soul, filling you with a sense of solace that you had never experienced before.

“I love you,” you whispered, your voice barely audible as you ran your hand up his leather-clad chest.

Loki tilted your chin upward with one elegant finger, leaning in close so his nose gently nuzzled against yours. “And I love you,” he murmured before wrapping his arms around you in a tight embrace. “Never doubt that.”

You clung to him, the world around you fading away. It was just the two of you now, and you knew you would handle whatever came your way. Together. ***

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[dmitriene]

— shadows of empathy.

 ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ «precious and fragile things»  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ «need special handling»  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ «my god, what have we done to you?»

summary: you don’t remember how you ended up in this laboratory, how long you endured pain, but you remember the warmth of his hands and the muffled whisper of promises. content: albert wesker x gn reader tags: lots of hurt x comfort at the end, lot of experiments, suffering from moral and physical pain, mention of needles and sadism, may be presence of stockholm syndrome, presence of william birkin. (let me know if i forgot something!) author's note: my first time of writing for wesker and also including some sensitive topics, hope you'll enjoy! enjoy your reading) 💉

The atmosphere of the lab was eerie and oppressive, a place where the lines between humanity and scientific curiosity were blurred, cold fluorescent light cast sharp shadows on sterile metal surfaces, the air was filled with the strong smell of disinfectant mixed with the acrid taste of chemicals, a constant hum of machines, a haunting reminder of the experiments being carried out within these walls.

For you, locked in the walls of the laboratory, the environment became a real nightmare, your memory was a fragmented puzzle the pieces of which were missing like scattered pieces of glass, you clung to the fragments that you had, for flashes of life before the laboratory, which seemed far away and out of reach, your confusion was a constant companion, a gnawing emptiness that made you yearn for answers.

In moments of introspection, you were often lost, looking through the small window of your cell at a world that seemed both familiar and alien, the darkness outside seemed to reflect the darkness in your own mind, a vast expanse of uncertainty that stretched to infinity.

The screams that echoed down the corridor, both yours and those of other unfortunate souls, were a symphony of anguish that haunted your every waking moment.

Over time, despair grew, the desire for freedom and truth intensified, the laboratory became a tangled prison, every cell a cage for lost memories and broken dreams, you longed for answers, even the smallest piece of your past, something for which you could survive the chaos and uncertainty.

Among the same snow white walls it was harsh and frightening, the sterile white surfaces reflected the already familiar harsh fluorescent light, the air was saturated with the smell of antiseptics and chemicals, a constant reminder of the clinical nature of this place, the hum of machines seemed to be reflected through the walls creating an unsettling symphony of technology, cold metal instruments were neatly laid out on the tables next to your vulnerable body strapped to the examination table.

Everything around was a nightmarish reality from which you could not escape, the environment was alien and unfamiliar, as if you had entered a world that defied logic, the memories were fragmentary, elusive, leaving again and again in deep confusion and fear.

You trembled in the bonds that held you, your eyes darted around the room in search of something recognizable, your heart pounded as you struggled to piece together the mystery of your existence, your inability to remember anything in front of the sterile laboratory walls eventually turned into a gaping mental wound.

Confusion and fear enveloped you like a suffocating shroud, you were a fragile figure among the cold equipment, a mixture of fear and bewilderment was read in your eyes, memories of a former life were just fragments, disparate images that you clung to in vain while your mind was a labyrinth of uncertainty.

The experiments you endured left scars on your body and your spirit broken, pain was a constant companion, each injection and procedure was a brutal attack that seemed to blur the line between life and suffering, you were trapped in a cycle of agony, unable to escape the torment become your new reality.

Your fear of Albert Wesker and Birkin was palpable, Wesker's presence was a mystery — his power and motives are obscure, his calculated gaze and measured words sent shivers down your spine, the unpredictability of his actions heightened your unease.

Birkin, on the other hand, was the epitome of cruelty, his touch was aggressive, and his detachment from your suffering caused waves of terror, making you feel like a pawn in a game you couldn't understand.

When Wesker and Birkin stood together in the lab, their conversations swirled around you like a nightmarish symphony.

— «Progress is being made» Birkin said, his voice devoid of compassion as he treated you as if you were more of an experiment than a person.

Wesker's gaze darted towards you, his expression enigmatic — «She's more than just data, Birkin» he declared, and there was a hint of something in his voice that you couldn't understand.

Birkin chuckled — «Sentimentality has no place here, Wesker, our goals are much more important than the personality»

Your heart was pounding wildly in your chest, a mixture of fear and despair flowed through your veins, and as soon as you spoke, suddenly your voice broke out with a strong tremor — «P-please, I need to know… Why am I here? What did I do?»

Wesker's gaze met yours, something like a display of sympathy flickering in his eyes — «You're not here because of what you've done» he said softer than you expected — «But rather because of what others seek to achieve»

Birkin's lips instantly twisted into a cruel smile — «You are a vessel for our experiments, a means to an end, your goal — is to serve science»

His words only allowed your fear and confusion to grow, the heaviness of their words crushed more than anything else, you felt trapped, driven into a nightmare where the answers were elusive and the pain endless, and as their dialogue went on, you became more and more withdrawn into yourself, a frail figure lost in a world that seemed to revel in your suffering.

 ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ══════⊹⊱≼≽⊰⊹══════

The experiment was a frightening mixture of clinical detachment and palpable tension, the cold, sterile walls of the lab echoing with the mechanical hum of the machinery, creating an unsettling symphony, the blindingly bright light overhead casting harsh shadows, making every detail of the lab stand out with unsettling clarity, through the air saturated with the smell of antiseptics and chemicals reminded that this is a place where scientific curiosity got the better of sympathy.

Your body became the canvas for these invasive experiments, each one a brutal assault on your physical and mental well-being, pain was a constant, unrelenting presence — a searing fire that ate from within as needles pierced your skin, delivering viruses and serums, your body convulsed in agony, and the once clear mind turned into a haze of suffering, unable to escape the torment inflicted on you.

Screams, this time your own echoed through the laboratory, a symphony of pain that seemed to go unnoticed by scientists consumed by their own ambitions, the shackles that held you in place seemed like shackles, a cruel reminder of your helplessness, every injection, every cut, every probing tool caused waves of agony that makes you shiver and gasp.

The pain was not only physical but also emotional, the experiments robbed you of your self respect, leaving you feeling like you were just a vessel for their perverted pursuits, loss of control, abuse of your body and inability to understand the purpose of your own suffering created a sense of isolation that was as heartbreaking as the physical pain.

Amidst the agony, there were moments when you clung to fragments of your personality, soapy fleeting memories of your life before the lab, those memories were both a source of comfort and an added layer of anguish as they stood in stark contrast to the nightmare you were now living.

The pain of the experiments was an unrelenting force, a nightmare from which it was impossible to escape, but in this nightmare there was a spark of resilience, determination to survive and a fragile hope that one day the agony would subside and you could regain your identity and your life.

But all this was ruined by the appearance of Birkin, the atmosphere in his presence was suffocating — a toxic mixture of clinical detachment and sadistic curiosity, he moved with an imperious air, his cold, calculating eyes were fixed on you as if you were nothing more than an interesting specimen, laboratory seemed to shrink in his presence, the shadows cast by his body adding to the eerie feeling of being trapped in his gaze.

His gloves, stained with the remnants of countless experiments, contrasted sharply with your pale and delicate skin, his touch was sharp and impersonal, he treated you as if you were an object and not a person, each injection felt like an invasion, his gloved fingers pressed the needle into your flesh with heartless disregard for your pain.

The dialogue was marked by a frightening lack of empathy, Birkin's words were clinical, his tone devoid of compassion as he discussed you as if you were a puzzle to be solved — «You turn out to be very hardy» he thought one day as he narrowed his eyes as he watched you writhe in agony — «It's amazing how the human body reacts to such stressors»

You struggled to find your voice in the pain, your sighs and cries met with cold indifference — «Please.. stop it..» you managed to squeeze out, your voice was barely a whisper, but your plea went unheeded, as if your suffering was nothing more than a necessary component of his experiments.

Birkin's answers were distant and unsettling, his words imbued with a kind of twisted charm — «Pain is just a sensation that needs to be studied and understood» he remarked with a note of superiority — «Your body's response provides valuable data that will drive our research»

Despite your vulnerability, you felt a surge of anger and frustration — «I'm not just data» you retorted in a voice trembling with a mixture of fear and defiance, but your defiance only seemed to amuse him, his lips curved into a grim smile.

— «Ah, but you are, my dear» he replied, his eyes glittering with alarming intensity — «You — are the embodiment of the progress of science, the sacrifice of one for the good of many»

Your short dialogues were a perverse dance of power dynamics, a clash between your desperation to be accepted as a person and his determination to turn you into a mere object for experimentation, his words left an indelible mark on the soul, a reminder that in the walls of the laboratory you were nothing more than a pawn in their twisted games.

And yet, in the midst of darkness and cruelty, there was an unexpected glimmer of hope, Albert Wesker, the man you once feared, seemed to offer a different perspective — one that hinted at the possibility of redemption, compassion, and a chance to break free from the clutches of Birkin's sadism and the relentless pain of experimentation.

Still in the same dimly lit lab, the air grew even more oppressive with tension as Albert Wesker confronted William Birkin.

Their disagreements contrasted sharply with the clinical setting, Wesker's normally stoic expression taking on a tinge of unexpected tension, and a hint of disapproval in his voice.

— «She's not just a sample, Birkin» Wesker's voice cut through the sterile atmosphere, the words carrying a weight that seemed to challenge the very core of their work.

Birkin, a scientist that always driven by ambition, glanced at Wesker with a raised eyebrow — «And what would you advise, Wesker? That i handle her with care? She's here to experiment, not to babysit»

Wesker's gaze hardened, his stance unshakable — «There is a line between scientific curiosity and cruelty, the data we collect is invaluable, but it does not justify causing unnecessary suffering to it»

Birkin's lips curled into a cynical smile — «You're attached, aren't you? To our little experiment»

Wesker's jaw clenched, but he didn't deny the accusation, instead, there was a rare note of vulnerability in his voice — «She's more than just an experiment, Birkin, there's something about her… a vulnerability i can't ignore»

Birkin's eyes sparkled with amusement — «You let sentimentality overshadow your judgment, Wesker, remember why we're here — to advance our research»

As the argument went on, Wesker's words lingered in his own memory, a discordant note in the symphony of ambition that had guided him for so long, his eyes fixed on you, your fragile frame a stark reminder of the consequences of his and Birkin's actions.

At that moment, a sudden realization hit him with a force that made him reel, he felt something — something he had long suppressed.

Guilt, Regret. And something else he dared not name, your suffering, the fear in your eyes kindled in him a coal of sympathy, a flame that challenged the calculated detachment he had cultivated.

He turned away from Birkin, his gaze was fixed on you, your vulnerability was a mirror reflecting his own, the truth he avoided, you — the one who was once just an object, became in his eyes a person — a person he could not ignore, no matter how hard he tries.

As he dealt with his conflicting emotions, the atmosphere in the lab seemed to fade, the hum of machinery less insistent, the cold walls less cramped, in this moment of introspection Wesker realized he was at a crossroads — between the brutality he had once accepted, and the compassion he now struggled with.

And just when Wesker's inner turmoil intensified, he abruptly turned away, and his steps carried him to the exit, he could no longer see your suffering, emotions seethed inside him in a chaotic whirlpool that threatened to engulf him.

He stopped in the doorway, his back turned to the scene unfolding behind him, he clenched his fists, his heart pounding as he struggled to regain his composure, his emotions a storm he had never encountered before that could destroy the carefully constructed façade he supported for so long.

And so, in a moment of overwhelming emotion, he made a decision that defied his own instincts and left you alone with Birkin, it was an act of self preservation, a desperate attempt to distance himself from the rising emotions that frightened him, he could not afford to become entangled in your suffering, could not allow newfound sympathy to consume him.

With a heavy heart, he left the room, his footsteps echoing in the hallway as he moved away from the scene he could not bear to witness, and in his absence everything around changed the silence was broken only by your soft, strained breathing and mechanical sounds.

Alone with Birkin, your vulnerability was stark against the cold, clinical setting, your eyes were a mixture of fear and despair, the weight of helplessness weighed on you, the atmosphere was a frightening reminder of the brutality you faced, a reality that seemed to loom even more in the absence Wesker.

As the experiments continued, your screams and the mechanical sounds of the laboratory merged into a dissonant symphony, an inexorable reminder of the torment you endured, and as the darkness of the room gathered around you, you were left to confront your fear and pain alone, being a prisoner of a world where cruelty and compassion existed in the fragile, unsteady balance.

 ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ══════⊹⊱≼≽⊰⊹══════

Late in the evening, an eerie twilight enveloped the lab, casting elongated shadows on cold surfaces, the air thick with the remnants of the day's experiments mingled with the acrid smell of chemicals, equipment humming softly somewhere in the background, a constant reminder of the clinical nature of this place.

Albert Wesker walked down the dimly lit corridor, his footsteps echoing off the dark walls, his usual air of stoic determination present, his gaze fixed forward as he approached the room where you was being held, but as he entered, his determination faltered to a sudden heaviness in the chest.

There you sat, crouched in the corner of the room, your figure curled up, your once bright eyes now dim and ghostly, and your frail body seemed even smaller in the dim harsh light, your breathing was ragged, each breath was a visible struggle, as if you were struggling — not only with the pain of experimentation, but also with the weight of his broken spirit.

Wesker's steps slowed, his eyes narrowed as he assessed your condition, he came to take you away for further research to continue the experiments that had been his goal for so long, but when he looked at you, something inside him changed — unexpected a pang of guilt, a crack in the façade of indifference he cultivated.

His desire to comfort you was an alien feeling that he buried under layers of ambition and detachment, the desire to lend a helping hand, to offer solace, belied his ingrained sense of control as he hesitated, his gaze met yours and for a moment he saw beyond the pain — the shattered remains a man who has endured too much.

At that moment, the clinical atmosphere of the lab gave way to a rare vulnerability, the hum of machinery seemed quieter, Wesker's internal struggles reflected on his features, the conflict between his cold exterior and the sudden warmth that surged through him.

His presence seemed to fill the room, his tall figure drawing attention even in dimmed light, there was a rare uncertainty in his typically cold gaze, a flash of emotion dancing under the surface, his outstretched hand hung in the air, fingers ready to reach out, eyes remaining chained to you.

You recoiled, your body language tense with a mixture of fear and defiance, your eyes, once dull with pain, now widened with a new sense of unease, you recoiled at his touch, the instinct to push him away was strong inside, and the clinical atmosphere of the laboratory only intensified the intensity of the moment, as if the walls were conspiring against you.

— «No!» you whispered, your voice trembling with a mixture of fear and despair — «Stay away from me!»

Wesker's expression remained unreadable, his hand hung in the air, but as your words hung between you, his fingers slowly lowered, and his eyes softened slightly — «I don't want to hurt you..» he replied with a rare vulnerability in his voice.

The tension in the room was palpable as you both were here, your figures grappling in a silent battle of wills, your fear fighting the country with a spark of curiosity, a hint of the realization that Wesker was more than the ruthless image he cast.

His usual air of stoic aloofness was replaced by uncharacteristic uncertainty as he took a step closer, extending his hand once more.

Your body tensed, memories of his previous actions and the cruel experiments he witnessed etched deep in your soul as you tried to push him away, a mixture of horror and defiance fueling your actions.

His hands were trembling slightly, which was indicative of the inner struggle he was struggling with.

The closer he came with his arm outstretched, the more often you shuddered and rested against the corner of the wall, fear emanated from you, your eyes were wide open and alert, your muscles contracted as if ready to jump away, you tried to push him away, small hands weakly resisted his approach.

Wesker's expression remained calm, his eyes didn't flinch even as you struggled against his touch — «I won't hurt you, i promise» he said in an amazingly gentle voice — «I know it's hard to trust, but i promise i'm not here to hurt you anymore»

Your breathing was rapid, your chest rising and falling in a chaotic rhythm as your gaze fell on him, the room seemed to close around, the walls choking with a wounding grip, though his presence provided an unexpected reprieve.

The desire for safety fought against your instinctive fear, leaving you torn between the desire to escape and the possibility of finding any semblance of comfort.

With a slow, deliberate movement, Wesker closed the remaining distance between the two of you, his arms wrapped around your feeble body, his embrace firm but careful.

At first you struggled against his grip, your body tense with anticipation, but he held you tenderly, squeezing your wrist gently but relentlessly as your hand touched his chest, offering an anchor amidst the storm of emotion raging within you.

— «I won't let anyone hurt you anymore» he muttered, his voice a different kind of medicine contrasting with the harsh reality of your surroundings, his words a promise, a declaration of his newfound commitment to your well being.

As his words reached your consciousness, your resistance began to weaken, the tension in your body slowly subsided, replaced by fragile vulnerability, tears of their own, as if intuitively welling up in your eyes, flickering in the dim light like unshed diamonds.

You hesitated, your hands hovering over his chest as if not knowing where to put them — «Please..» you whispered in a voice trembling with despair and anguish — «I don't… i don't know who i am anymore, i-i'm scared»

Wesker's embrace intensified, pulling you closer until your head was pressed against his chest, he could feel your tears dampen his shirt, soft sobs echoing through the room — «Everything is alright..» he muttered, pressing his lips against your hair — «You're not alone anymore, i'll be here to protect you»

Your resistance collapsed completely, your fragile self defense shattered like glass, you pressed against him tighter, letting your body shake with sobs as you finally let go of the pain and fear that had built up inside.

In his arms, the environment changed again, turning the cold, sterile room into a haven where vulnerability met compassion and fear met the promise of security.

His embrace was a testament to his newfound commitment, a gesture of comfort that spoke volumes, and as your tears soaked into his shirt, he held you close, offering a rare glimpse of his humanity — a man who despite his past found himself attached to you in this way, that defied reason and ignited a glimmer of connection that none of you could have foreseen.

 ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌   ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌«angels with silver wings»  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ «shouldn't know suffering»  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌  ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌ ᠌᠌ ᠌ ᠌«i wish i could take the pain from you»

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[slexenskee]

MDNSY AU

Posting this WIP bc maybe if it sees the light of day I’ll actually get around to writing more of it

I originally wrote this right after the sick-fic arc even though its supposed to take place during the Eri arc so it gets kinda AU from there

It’s only afterwards— months afterwards, that he realizes the full extent of his own stupid actions. 

So many things had to perfectly align in exactly the wrong way for this to happen. But each and every one of them was his own damn fault, so there’s really no one to blame here but himself. 

It had to have happened when Hawks had been sick and recovering in his hotel room, that’s the only way the timing lines up. Gojo has always been good about practicing safe sex— considering how he sleeps around, he sort of has to— and has never slipped up even once… until Hawks. Multiple times, actually, not even counting the time he was sick. There’d also been that time in Palawan, when he hadn’t brought any condoms with him because he’d honestly thought he wouldn’t need them. That had been rather profoundly short sighted of him, in hindsight. And then of course there were the time(s) when Hawks was staying in his hotel room, when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other and once again Gojo hadn’t thought to go out and buy any condoms because he’d genuinely thought he wouldn’t need any. Hawks had been sick! Basically delirious! How was he supposed to know that the moment he’d recovered enough he’d jump him? And on a related note, how was Gojo supposed to summon up enough willpower to stop him? 

To that point— how was Gojo even supposed to know he should stop him?

That too, though, is entirely his fault.

Apparently it’s a regular part of sex-ed during middle school— except Gojo never went to class in middle school, so he’d entirely missed the memo. With the advent of quirks came a rare genetic mutation that allows for male pregnancies among a small subset of the population. Rare, but not entirely unheard of, either. It was certainly common enough for a segment to be taught in public schools, and testing to be done as part of the gamut of health checks most kids go through around puberty. Most kids aside from Gojo, who was out terrorizing organized crime syndicates just for fun at that age. 

God, he’s a fucking idiot. This entire situation was so laughably avoidable, and yet he’d managed to end up in it anyway. 

Anyway so now he’s having an existential meltdown in the middle of his still unfinished bathroom, staring numbly at the flecks of grout still flaking off the new tile, wondering what the fuck he’s supposed to do now.

“Satoruuu,” a voice whines from the other side of the bathroom door. “I need to pee.”

Gojo scrambles to his feet, binning the evidence of all the pregnancy tests and burying it under a cloud of toilet paper just before he wrenches the door open, smile fixed in place. “Sorry Eri-chan! I was spacing out.”

Eri just takes the excuse at face value, bounding into the only current usable bathroom in the house and shutting the door behind her.

Gojo sighs wearily, slumping against the wall just outside the door.

Alright, first on the agenda is finding a temporary residence for them while he gets an army of contractors to fix the worst of the ‘home improvement’ sins he’s committed upon this house as quickly as possible. He’d originally thought redoing the rooms would be a fun bonding activity for him and Eri, but now he knows all those chemicals will be bad for… for the baby, so that’s probably a bad idea now. He’s also going to need this house in livable condition as fast as he can make it happen, because apparently… there’s going to be a baby here in less than six months. 

He’s also going to need a doctor, and a very good and discreet one at that. From what he’s read in his mad frenzy of online searching, male pregnancies are very high risk. He’s not at all worried for himself, seeing as though he can heal from just about anything, but that same protection doesn’t extend to the other person currently taking up roost inside him. He frowns. Or does it? Wouldn’t his reversed-curse technique still work on them when they’re still a parasite leeching off of his body? When exactly does their cursed energy start to deviate from each others to the point he can no longer heal them as an extension of himself? Man, what he wouldn’t give for a conversation with Shoko right now.

He can worry about things like clothes and furniture and baby food after he’s settled the most immediate concerns on his list. Namely, fixing this house and finding a doctor. And telling Eri, although he doubts that will be much of an issue. The girl will be beyond excited to be an older sibling.

Now as for telling his family and telling Hawks…

Gojo winces.

Yeah, okay. It says a lot that he’d rather tell Endeavor, to his face, that he’s getting another grandchild than fessing up to Hawks about carrying his kid. Even the thought of it is going to give him a stress tumor.

Well, stress is bad for babies, right? So maybe he should just table the thought for later. You know, for his health.

[a-reader-and-a-writer]

Difference of Opinions (Part 2)

Fandom: Spider-Man, Spider-Verse, Across the Spider-Verse, Miguel O'Hara, f!Reader Summary: Miguel left you for dead but you don't give up so easily. And with a little help from a friend, you soon find yourself safe at home. But your relief is short-lived as you are faced with some skeptical Spiders and the fact you will soon have to confront Miguel... Word Count: 4811 TW: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Glitching, Left for Dead, Betrayal Notes: Sorry that Miguel doesn't physically show up in this chapter, but he plays a major part in both the next chapter and the prequel!

Prequel, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Series Masterlist

*Spoilers for Across the Spider-Verse*

The glitching was getting worse. By the time you made it to your lab on the other side of the building, it was happening every thirty seconds or so. You stumbled through the door and crashed into one of the computer consoles as you lost your balance. Every inch of your body ached and felt as fragile as glass. It seemed as if the chemical bonds that held your atoms together were about to shatter leading to you basically vaporizing down to the atomic level. Which you guessed was what was about to happen. 

Another glitch hit causing you to crumple to the floor. Once your body realigned itself, you tried to climb back to your feet but you just didn’t have the strength to anymore. Instead, you rolled over to your stomach and began to drag yourself over to your desk. It wasn’t far, but by the time you reached it, you were barely able to lift yourself up to find the hidden compartment underneath. You pressed your thumb to the biometric lock and gave a huge sigh of relief when the drawer popped open. Reaching inside, you pulled out the small cloth bag and held it against your chest.

You knew you had to hurry before another glitch occurred, but you were so exhausted that your fingers were clumsy and fumbled as you tried to untie the bag. It took about three times as long as it should have, but you finally managed to open it up and you slid the contents into your hand. 

It had been over a year since you had last held the red amulet but it instantly made you feel stronger. Running your thumb across the spider carved in the stone, you couldn’t help but smile. This little piece of your homeworld didn’t contain any powers on its own, but it helped boost your powers and would hopefully ward off the glitches long enough to send your message. 

Sliding back to the floor and laying on your side, you pressed the amulet to your lips as you closed your eyes and concentrated. Your eyes rolled back in your head behind your eyelids and you felt your mind slip into the space where the intricate web of dimensions existed.

This was your power. This was what set you apart from every other Spider-Person and how you had helped Miguel build the Society in the first place. You had the ability to gaze through the veil and see the interconnected web that made up the Acracnoid Humanoid Poly Multiverse. It was also how you got the name Spider-Gazer, or Gaze. It was with this ability you first contacted Miguel’s dimension, traveled to different dimensions without a watch, mapped out hundreds of different Earths and their differences, discovered the Canon and helped Miguel and Lyla design a model so everyone could understand, and how you learned the dangers of trying to change the Canon. None of this would have been possible without you, and now all of your work had been turned against you. 

Once you sensed who you were looking for, you whispered, “Hobie, I know you can hear me. I need your help. Please. Come get me before it’s too late. I just want to help Miles. I promise. I–”

A glitch cut you off and you dropped the amulet as your body was once again torn apart and reassembled by this dimension trying to arrange your atoms to fit its unique configuration. As everything somehow managed to right itself once more, a small sob of pain slipped from your lips. Whatever strength or stability you had gotten from the amulet was now gone, and you felt yourself returning to this dimension as you no longer had the strength to continue reaching out across the multiverse. It was all over. This lab that you had built with Miguel and where you spent countless hours lovingly by his side was going to be your final resting place. 

You were about to die alone and abandoned. 

Your eyes returned to normal as you stabilized but you kept them closed, resigned to just giving in to the encroaching darkness. However, a moment later you heard the familiar crackle of a portal opening up and you peeled your eyes open to see the soft glow of a portal in front of you and a pair of heavy gray-scale boots appeared in your field of vision. 

There was the sound of a soft tongue click before a heavily-accented voice said, “Well, lookit here. The queen’s decided to join the rebellion, eh.”

Using the last of your strength to roll over slightly, you looked up at Hobie and gave him a weak smile. “Damn straight.”

His muted palette flickered back to the full-color spectrum as he nodded. “‘Bout bloody time.”

He reached out his hand to help you up but just before his fingers brushed yours, you were hit with a massive glitch and everything went black.

Even before you opened your eyes, you knew where you were. No matter how many dimensions you had traveled to or what sort of protection you used against glitches, no other world made you feel this sense of belonging and inner peace. You were home.

Someone had placed you on a bed and you ran your palm across the sheets beneath you, savoring the feel of the muted faded edges against your skin. It was such a welcome comfort after so long of nothing but hard lines and definitive boundaries surrounding you. You had missed being the only thing around that looked or felt like you.

Every universe was different in at least one way. Sometimes those differences were instantaneously recognizable like obvious aesthetic differences while others might be something so minute it was almost impossible to pinpoint (such as the Earth without the element protactinium or the one where all hummingbirds fly 2% faster than on other Earths). 

Though you hadn’t known it until you began to visit other dimensions, the main thing that set your world apart from others was the edges of everything. There was no sharp cut-off or firm line around you. Instead, your outline sort of dissolved away to nothing. It had been a terrifying encounter the first time you met Miguel with his pronounced angular cheekbones and well-defined figure. Though to be fair, he was just as perturbed by your appearance.

Miguel had once described it as if someone had smudged your edges until they were all blurred and hazy. Recently, Gwen had found a more artistic way of describing it. She compared most universes to art with sharp edges while yours was more of a soft edge, like the background of a watercolor or oil painting. But regardless of how others described you, the fact was you and those from your universe weren’t as solid or stable as most.

It was why the glitches hit you so much harder and more frequently than any of the other Spider-People. Your genetic structure was already less tightly bound than those from other dimensions which made you more susceptible to the glitches. That plus the fact your powers were connected to the multiverse and attracted multidimensional energy whenever you left your home meant that you couldn’t survive outside of your own universe without the stabilizers for very long. Something you had once learned the hard way.

Opening your eyes, you glanced around the room and were shocked to find it wasn’t just any room. It was your room. The one you had lived in a few years ago as you were learning how to traverse the multiverse. Back before you had left your world to help build the Spider Society. You wondered how Hobie knew to bring you here.

You were still in your Spider-Gazer costume though you spotted your mask laying on the table next to the bed. And right beside it was your amulet. Thankfully, Hobie must have grabbed it from where you had dropped it before he brought you here. You reached over and picked it up, a fresh wave of energy flowing through you as you did. For a moment, you had thought you might have lost it forever and that thought had devastated you. After all, it had been in your family for more generations than anyone could remember and it was what had originally helped connect you to the Acracnoid Humanoid Poly Multiverse. Your powers might not have come from it, but it amplified them which had allowed you and Miguel to accomplish all the things you had thus far. In fact, without the amulet, you never would have been able to reach out to Miguel in the first place. 

Miguel….

Honestly, you weren’t sure how to feel about what had happened or what he did to you. Loyalty and commitment to him and your mission to protect the multiverse meant everything to him and you had gone against both to try and help Miles. After everything he had been through, you could understand why Miguel was so devastated by your betrayal. However, that didn’t excuse the fact he left you caged and glitching on your own with only one possible outcome….

You were pulled from your train of thought as the door opened and Pavitr walked in holding a cup of water. But when he saw you looking back at him, he dropped the cup– spilling water across the floor –and run from the room hollering, “Guys! She finally woke up!”

A minute later, he returned with Gwen, Peter B. Parker, and Mayday trailing behind. As you struggled to sit up slightly, Mayday shot a web above your head and swung over to land directly in your lap. Before Peter could snatch her away, you drew her close and snuggled your face into the top of her knit spider-hat. She hugged you back as you cooed, “Hey there, little one.”

“Mayday…” her father muttered as he held out his arms, but you shook your head.

“It’s fine, Peter. I’m okay.” However, you noticed the nervous look that he exchanged with Gwen and you felt a deep pit open up in your stomach as you realized their concern. “Ah. You’re not worried about me. You’re worried about her with me.”

Peter shifted uncomfortably as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s nothing against you, Gaze. It’s just we don’t really know where you stand right now.”

“Well, I seem to recall the last time I saw you, you were heading back to your dimension while I was left glitching out of existence in a cage,” you snapped. “But I can see why I would be the one whose loyalty is being questioned.”

Peter stared at the floor, unable to meet your eye. “You’re right. You helped Miles, even when most of us tried to follow Miguel’s plan. But Gaze, you’re Miguel’s girl. I’ve known the two of you longer than almost any other member of the Society and I’ve seen what you are both willing to do for the other. How do we know you aren’t going to tell him we’re all here, what we are planning, and have him come to this universe to stop us?”

“First of all, may I repeat that he left me in a cage to glitch into nothing?” There was more venom in your voice than you intended and you felt Mayday cower slightly in your arms. Instantly regretting your tone, you kissed her softly on the top of her hat and released her to return to her father’s arms. She smiled up at you before she swung away, and you were glad at least she seemed to have forgiven you.

Taking a deep breath, you continued in a softer, calmer tone. “Second of all, Miguel can’t come to this dimension even if I wanted him to. We had a fight once and he kept following me across dimensions when I tried to walk away. After that, we decided that this– my home dimension –would be a safe place for me to go where he couldn’t follow when I needed some space. So I used my powers to ward it so he can’t enter this dimension. Even with his watch.

“And third of all, I love Miguel deeply, but in this case, he’s too blinded by his pain and loss to really look at this situation objectively. So you need me because I may be the only one who can get through to him and make him see that.”

Peter caught Mayday as he exchanged a look with Gwen. They both still seemed slightly skeptical of you and your motives and you tried to keep your frustration from coming back. They had been just as involved in Miguel’s plan to stop Miles as you had been, maybe even more so seeing as they were his friends. And you had tried to help Miles even as they had continued to try and make him see the logic of Miguel’s actions. They may not have agreed with how Miguel went about it, but they were full supporters of not letting Miles try to save his dad. Only you and Hobie had originally wanted to let him try and go against the Canon. Yet you were still the one who was considered a threat to Miles. The hypocrisy was unbelievable. 

But as Gwen opened her mouth to say something, Pavitr jumped in. “Guys, come on! Just trust her already!”

Gwen shook her head. “Pav, I’m sorry but you weren’t there. It’s more complicated than that.”

“No, but Hobie was and he trusts her. He never would’ve brought all of us here otherwise. And if Hobie’s willing to trust someone, that’s good enough for me.” He gave you a bright smile and you almost burst into tears.

“Thanks, Pav.” You glanced around at the other Spiders in front of you. “Well? He’s right. You either trust me and we start working together to save Miles or you don’t and you should get the hell out of my apartment and let me rest.”

Gwen shot Peter another look. After a moment’s hesitation, he shrugged in her direction as he placed Mayday in her carrier. “It’s up to you. You’re the one who gathered us all here and you’re the one who knows Miles the best. If you think we can trust her…”

Chewing on her lip, Gwen considered the situation. The longer she stared at you, the more the anger and frustration began to build in your chest once more. But just as you were about to tell them all to forget it and to get out of your dimension, Gwen said, “Pav’s right. Hobie doesn’t trust people easily so if he trusts her, then we should too.”

Peter sighed and held up his hands. “Whatever you say. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if this goes sideways.”

“Yeah, Peter, because it’s never your fault is it?” you ruefully chuckled, ashamed by the way it caught in your throat. Seeing him still doubt you even now hurt more than you wanted to admit. Glaring at him, you spat, “It’s true what you said. I’ve known you for longer than almost anyone else, and yet you still turned your back on me and walked away when I needed you most.”

Peter’s face darkened as he looked away. Gwen must have noticed whatever fragile peace your group had settled on was at risk of falling apart already because she said, “Um, can I speak to Gaze on my own?”

Pavitr –who had been anxiously watching your back and forth with Peter– sighed in relief and nodded. With another wide smile in your direction, he hurried from the room. 

Peter began to follow him, but he hesitated at the door. Without looking back at you, he muttered, “I’m sorry. You were right. I left you there in that cage knowing what would probably happen. I wanted so badly to help you but I had Mayday and I couldn’t…. I couldn’t risk what Miguel might do to her if I tried to interfere.”

Your glare softened a bit at the pain and regret in Peter’s voice. You knew he was right. If Miguel was angry enough to turn on you, there was no telling what he would have done to anyone else who tried to cross him at that moment. And you would never want Mayday to be put in danger, despite what that meant for your own safety. 

So, you sighed, “It’s okay, I get it. Your daughter comes first. Always. And that’s how it should be.” You squeezed your amulet still in your fist tighter and tried not to think of your own family or what they had done to keep you safe. “Regardless of how I feel about what happened, you should know I think you’re a fantastic father and Mayday is so lucky to have you.”

Peter’s head whipped around to face you and you saw tears welling up in his eyes as his lips began to tremble. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but then closed it again without a sound. Then he nodded once and hurried from the room.

Gwen watched him walk away for a moment before she shut the door. “That was really sweet of you to say.”

“He tries so hard with that kid, he deserves to know it isn’t in vain.” You pushed yourself up so you were in more of a sitting position and asked, “So now that we trust each other, where’s Hobie? I want to thank him for coming to get me.”

“He’s out looking for parts to build more watches. I have a few other friends I want to bring with us to look for Miles but we’re afraid that if we use Miguel’s watches, he’ll be able to track us.”

You nodded. “He can, so that’s good thinking. That’s why I called Hobie for help instead of any of you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I taught him how the watches worked a few months ago. I was tinkering with a broken one and he kept looking over my shoulder so I walked him through how they worked. Then I noticed him swiping equipment and parts ever since you all arrived at HQ earlier today. So when I needed help, I figured he would have assembled his own untrackable watch by now… Or at least, I hoped he had.”

Gwen shook her head. “But if you knew he was building his own watch before everything went wrong, why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you stop him?”

“Since when does Hobie listen to anything anyone tells him?” you chuckled. “If I would have told him to stop, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Besides, after seeing how worked up Miguel was getting over Miles already, I had a feeling it wasn’t a terrible idea for there to be a non-Society watch out there somewhere. Turns out, I was right.”

“So you did know Miguel was going to do that to Miles.”

Sighing, you said, “We all knew what he was planning, Gwen. And we all agreed to it so we could uphold the Canon. I just…. I never thought Miguel would take things that far.”

Gwen hesitated for a moment before she asked, “It can’t be true, can it? Did Miguel really leave you imprisoned without a watch knowing what that would mean? Did he…. Did he really leave you to die? I just can’t believe it. He loves you. Everyone knows that.”

You stared down at the amulet in your hands, unable to look her in the face. In a small voice, you said, “Miguel isn’t a bad man. He’s just been hurt in the past like all of us. And like all of us, he’s found ways to cope with his pain and loss. One of those ways is cutting out anyone or anything that he feels may hurt him again or betray him. And I did both.”

“But what Miguel was doing was wrong!”

“You didn’t see it that way at first.” You lifted your eyes to stare at Gwen and it was her turn to look away. “I’m not judging you, Gwen. I know how hard it had to be to lie to Miles about what was about to happen and to try to keep him from stopping it. We’ve all had to accept the losses that come with being a Spider–” Your mind once again flashed to your mother and late fiance, but you quickly push them from your thoughts “– but Miles is new to this. He may have lost his uncle a while ago, but finding out he was also about to lose his father was never going to be an easy thing to accept.” You gave her a soft but pointed look. “Just like you refusing to go home because you can’t accept your own father’s impending death.”

“But that’s just it…” Gwen came and sat on the edge of your bed. “I did go home. Miguel sent me there and I saw my dad. He’s quitting his job which means he’ll no longer be a captain. He doesn’t have to die anymore! The Canon of my universe changed! So, maybe Miles can change his dad’s fate too!” 

You didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. Canon events had shifted in the past, switched from one person to another, but they never failed to come to pass. Or if they did, it led to the potential collapse of that universe. Her father may no longer be the captain she was close to who would die, but that didn’t mean another captain wouldn’t take his place eventually. However, that was a conversation for another time. 

So instead, you gave her a small smile and nodded. “I’m glad, Gwen. Really, I am. And I agree that Miles has a chance to change the Canon. It’s why I tried to stop all of this before things got so out of hand. Miles is unlike anyone I have ever seen before. It’s true he’s an anomaly but he’s not a fatal one. I can see that he’s connected to the multiverse and the Canon and yet is also separated from it. I’ve never encountered anything like it before. I just wish I would have realized it sooner. Then maybe I could have convinced Miguel to let Miles at least try to save his father. Maybe then Miguel wouldn’t have… wouldn’t have–”

You shook your head, unable to finish the words that were too painful to say out loud. It had been one thing when you had snapped them in anger at Peter, but now, when you were calm and able to fully face what Miguel had done to you, it was different. You just kept seeing that dead expression on his face and the cold gleam in his red eyes just before he hurled you across the room. The sound of his complete lack of emotion as he snapped, “She made her bed, now she can die in it.”

You and Miguel had been in each other’s lives for so long. Even before you started your romantic relationship, the two of you had been extremely close friends and partners. Sure, you had had your ups and downs, but nothing anywhere close to this. At that moment, he truly hadn’t cared what happened to you. And even if there was a chance he changed his mind and tried to come back for you, it didn’t undo what he had done or said. But while your head continued to scream these things at you, your heart couldn’t let him go– at least not yet. 

However, if there was any hope of reconciling with Miguel, what you had planned next would obliterate that sliver of a chance. But it was the right thing to do.

Taking a deep breath, you said, “I know how to find Miles.”

Gwen stared at you in surprise. “What? How? I already checked Earth-1610 and he’s not there which means the Go Home machine messed up and he could literally be in any other universe.”

“How do you think?” you scoffed as you let your eyes roll back into your head and the room around you melted away into the familiar glow of the multiverse. “I just need something of his to tune into.”

“Here!” You felt Gwen jump off the bed and out the door. A moment later, you heard her return and place a soft piece of clothing in your hand. “It’s his jacket. I took this when I visited his place on Earth-1610. It’s pretty worn out so I’m guessing he wore it a lot.”

Feeling the residual energy radiating from it, you nodded. “Yeah, this should work. Just give me a few minutes.”

Mentally, you reached out into the tangled web of dimensions as you searched for the person who matched the feel of the jacket in your hand. You found several who were close– Miles Morales’s from other Earths –but not the one you were looking for. Finally, you were drawn to a cluster of Earths to your left and headed in that direction. A moment later, you caught a hint of what you were looking for. And what was more, your Miles didn’t seem to be alone….

Leaving the dimensional void, you sagged back heavily on your pillow with a soft sigh of exhaustion. Normally, a search like that would have barely registered to you, but you were still drained from being almost glitched out of existence. 

After collecting yourself, you nodded at Gwen. “I got him. He’s on Earth-42. And it seems he’s found the Miles of that universe.” 

“Oh!” Gwen said in surprise. “What does that mean?”

“Potentially nothing, but meeting your doppelganger from another dimension isn’t always easy to accept. You’ll need to approach the situation carefully when you go get him.”

“Me? What about you?”

“I’m going after Miguel.” You saw the skepticism spark on Gwen’s face. “It’s okay. I’m not going to tell him where Miles is. But while you guys go find Miles, get him home, and try to stop Spot so you can save his dad, I need to try and stall Miguel. Maybe I can finally talk some reason into him.”

At that, Gwen’s skepticism shifted to worry. “The last time you tried that, he left you for dead.”

“True, but I wasn’t prepared because I never imagined he would stoop to that level. Now that I know the extent he’s willing to go, I’m ready for him. I know Miguel better than anyone else. I know his strengths and weaknesses, and I know how to stop him if I have to. And if nothing else, I can buy you guys some time.”

“He could kill you. For real this time.”

“Yeah, he could.” You looked down at your amulet. You could still back out. Go with Gwen and the others instead of trying to face Miguel. But you knew this was their best chance for success, even if that meant you might not be there to see it. 

Sliding your amulet over your head and letting it fall to its rightful place on your neck, you said, “I should already be dead, but Hobie saved me. The least I can do is try to use that life I was given back to save my friends.”

Gwen took your hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “Thank you.”

You smiled and squeezed her hand back. “I just need a little more time to regain my strength. What I need to do takes a lot of energy and I’m just not there yet. But I should be ready by the time Hobie finishes the watches and you get your other friends on board. Then we’ll each go do what we have to in order to set things right.”

This wasn’t going to be easy. You still loved Miguel and you knew despite what he did that you would love him until your last breath. But this was no longer about the two of you. In fact, it never really was. Miles was different– special –and he might be the key to discovering a way to change the Canon for all Spider-People. No more destined loss, no more unavoidable pain. But only if Miguel will listen to you and what you have seen. And that was a really big what if.

As Gwen left the room to fill everyone else in and let you rest, you picked up your amulet from where it rested on your chest and placed a soft kiss on the cold stone. Sending out a small tendril of power through the multiverse in the hopes he might hear you, you thought, I’m coming, my love. Whether you’re happy to see me or not.

Taglist: @lorecraft, @mayhem24-7forever, @writercole, @arraxthatsonjah, @cloudystarsog, @agomeangelcat, @melovetitties, @leonphi @smoxthife, @spiritndrain, @uniquecroissant

[booksbluegurl]

Day 14/100 days of Productivity

18th April, 2024

Academia

Watched half a lecture on Biotechnology. Love the way ma'am is teaching.

I read through lectures notes of lecture 3 and made notes from it. I didn't realise we could actually study like this. I was busting my ass trying to watch lectures which were 2 hours long, i got this done in 1 hour. And understood everything, lifesaverrrr.

I watched lectures on Dual Nature of matter and radiation from Khan academy but not all.

I read the notes from the Physics med easy book too.

Need to watch a lecture on Chemical Bonding.

Non Academia

Started watching a few video to revisit and revise the history of India. There is a lot of content but I don't know which one's the best. I really wanna know how people at different times in India lived. How they did thier everyday activities? How was the lower class, the upper class, etc? So many questions i have.

Day 4/20 days of April breaking the cycle

Really like this quote. And I believe this 'He' doesn't have to be some person, some man, I believe its everything else in our world. I often wondered that how can my world not revolve around me, just like your world revolves around yours. (I didn't understand the perspective of how people can act like my world also revolves around them but now I do.) But my world does revolve around me, and that's exactly what they're saying that someone else doesn't have to be and shouldn't be the Sun of your world. You are the Sun. You are your Sun.

-Tanishka.

Day 13

Day 15

Pictures from pinterest. Credit to the owners.

[dnpoll]

my personal explanations below the cut!

also i scheduled this poll and i realised i forgot ARIANA GRANDE that's deep lore... GOD

muse: one of the things that dan and phil bonded over when they met each other - phil's favourite artist with his streams making it dan's top artist from 2014-2016. they have also seen muse at least five times! dan has played muse songs several times on the piano (specifically sunburn) + they did a lip sync video to muse for bbc radio. also they made fun of kristen stewart a lot when they were younger (they have since apologised and called her an iconic) and she was in twilight and muse supermassive black hole is famously in twilight so...

final fantasy vii: the soundtrack with interrupted by fireworks! dan said it reminded him of phil in a formspring answer <3 and that's all...

fall out boy: firstly "no but seriously imagine if:". secondly they have interviewed fob several times for the bbc! thirdly, specifically with pete wentz, he was dan's icon in his teenage years. he followed dan because of the interviews with him - he even prank called dan in call or delete. but as punishment in a best friend quiz video, phil tweeted "sometimes i dream about being one of the reindeer galloping through the sky with leather straps tying me to my friends mm yes carrots please" from dan's account - and pete wentz unfollowed fob. i am also convinced they think the milk fic is a petekey fic or something

the 1975: dan and phil called into the radio as fans when they were not hosting and the 1975 was there! dan said he was there with "his friend phil" and matty healy immediately recognised them as "dan and phil from the radio" despite them trying to be sneaky about it. dan also LOVED a brief inquiry into online relationships which he posted on his story and said he was "personally attacked by literally every song on the album". mm okay

my chemical romance: firstly "no but seriously imagine if". secondly dan specifically was/is a huge fan of mcr - although phil did sing welcome to the black parade (incorrectly) in a yasuhati video). mcr was also referenced in dan and anthony padilla's stop emo hate video, basically i'm gay and the dream daddy series, just to name a few (they g note a LOT). also hesitant alien featured in the tour of dan's brain video! gerard used to follow dan on twitter but doesn't anymore... beef?

panic! at the disco: firstly "no but seriously imagine if". also brendon and ryan are in the milk fic which they constantly reference. also there's a dnp edit with 57k views to house of memories

frank ocean: dan's top song in 2012 was "thinkin about you" by frank ocean which ppl talk abt a lot for many reasons. he also said his religion was frank ocean in 2016 LOL

troye sivan: YOUTUBE FRIENDS LOL - the iconic pic with dan, phil, troye and tyler! also dan and phil were the first people to play troye sivan's happy little pill on the radio, and are thus partially responsible for his success. troye sivan also led to chappell roan's success, so basically muse is responsible for chappell roan. troye also featured in a phil glasses video!

one direction: firstly, dnp interviewed them - a harrowing event that they outline in detail in tabinof. secondly, the iconic dan eating an orange picture behind a 1d concert. lastly, they talk about harry styles quite a bit - phil posed as him in a viewers pick my outfit, and of course the rotisserie chicken situation

nick jonas: hey buddy you in london #dick

smash mouth: more recent dan-based lore but mark (tour member) made an instagram story asking how to get all-star licensed. a phannie (royalsdnp on twt) then tweeted about it, and smash mouth (the twt account) saw it. dan then tweeted at the account asking for it, and it worked! smash mouth is now an official dannie, having tweeted orange for wad, and also offered the original demo for shrek to be used, saying it can maybe be for dan's next special. generally insane because dan has ofc always been a huge shrek fan as a part of his meme personality in the 2010s, even dressing up as him for a calendar

[neptune-writez]

tweek, butters & kenny with a stereotypical 'mean girl' older sister!

notes 💎 this fic was heavily inspired by @/pineappleciders older sibling piece! so credits to him ^_^ anyways this is heavily based on the 2000's vibes of mean girls, apologies if it isn't accurate!

TWEEK T.

constantly worries for you

has told you a lot of times that too much makeup will stop your skin from breathing or that the chemicals will eat away at your hair which you swat him away when he does that.

has gone so far as to hide your makeup products around the house for 'your own good'.

ALSO says that the underwear gnomes will steal your underwear too.

you have lost count of the times you have cussed him out due to his weird imagination ( he says it's real ) but you always feel bad after.

you help him do his hair sometimes and he LOVES it.

he loves it when you baby him too.

he expresses his love through gifts: coffee, lego models, cards, etc.

you both take turns in giving each other dating advice.

he often comes to you after fighting with craig and you try your best to comfort him.

is often in denial of how much he enjoys your company.

you share his love of coffee too but not to his extent.

KENNY M.

both of you obviously have the good genes in the family.

he judges your taste in men while you judge his taste in women.

constantly makes fun of your boyfriends behind your back and whistles at your friends.

they don't take him seriously though.

to be honest I can see kenny stealing your clothes for his princess kenny cosplay.

the amount of times you have caught him using your makeup and making a fool out of himself are very embarrassing.

boasts about you a lot to his friends.

he annoys you for fun when he's bored because he gets a kick out of your pissy mood.

definitely sends you those tiktok siblings trends and begs you to do it with him:

'wanna try it out 🥺'

'stfu'

sees you more than a friend he can rely on than a sibling but still loves you a lot nonetheless.

also comforts you through your thousand breakups.

it's a daily routine for him at this point.

BUTTERS S.

you make him cry A LOT.

it's either you gaslight him into thinking everything is a hallucination of his or you fight with him for fun ( he always gets hurt )

your friends LOVE him.

they think he's adorable.

you pick him up from school in your pink car.

people laugh at him for it but he thinks it's so cool.

your interests = his interests

he just wants to be like you!

that's where his love for hello kitty came in.

always asks for your help about games. and he loves showing off his achievements to you even if it's a small one.

"how do I log in?? i don't have an email."

"look [name]! I just won against GayHomo_87!"

you dislike it when other people bully him, because only you can can do that.

you teach him how to be a better man and how not to be like his friends since he can get heavily influenced.

he likes it when you put makeup on him

he loves sibling bonding time in general!!

[libbee]

Understanding Scorpios/8th House

note: combination of all placements make up your personality, not just one planet or sign. when you read this post, try to envision the word into your mind, imagination, symbols of it.

There are no beautiful surface without a terrible depth - Friedrich Nietzsche.

Possession by the unconscious.

Periodically gets consumed by the psychological unconscious content, loses touch with reality.

Returns to reality, bringing up psychological content from the depths of the unconscious. Look what I brought from the ocean when I went fishing.

Intuitive eyes. 4 pairs of eyes; two biological, two spiritual. Spiritual (intuitive) eyes help see beneath the surface into the energy realm. Biological eyes see the physical world; Intuitive eyes see the imaginary inner world. The reflection of the outer world in the inner life.

When comes back to reality, there is desire to transform, shed previous skin, become as individuated as possible, find the core of being. Who I am exactly underneath all this skin?

But self destruction and reconstruction do not happen as fast, may take days or weeks or months. Irritated, highly sensitive to energy changes in people, sees himself/herself in others and hates it. Leave me alone, I am shedding my skin.

caption: everything that exists outside also exists inside the mind

Spends more time in the internal world, perception of the world, imagination world, the world that exists within. Interacts with the external world as the native will interact with the internal world.

Emotional States Of:

Chaos | Calamity | Collapse | Tragedy | Disaster | Catastrophe | Shaken | Possession | Upheaval | Emergency | Adversity | Mishappening | Misfortune | Crash | Distress | Ruin | Casualty | Mess | Accident |Violence

Unconscious | Fall down | Breakdown | Falling apart | Falling unconscious | Blackout | Getting lost in the unknown

Trauma | Turmoil | Confusion | Toxic | Harmful | Unhealthy | Fatal

Sudden | Shocking | Unpredictable | Unexpected | Unforeseen | Without warning | Without notice | Abrupt | Quick | Hurried | Surprise | Revelation | Eye opener | Thunderbolt | Whammy | Unfortunate

Powerful | Forced | Controlling | Dominant | Causes fear | Formidable | Control | Power and ability to make somebody/something do what you want | Psyche forces you to transform | Helplessness | No other choice but to transform | Dangerous | Emergency | Combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action

Life threatening | Deadly | Mortal | Emergency | This is important, nothing else but this, this is urgent and important.

Isolation | How do I tell others what psyche looks like, what is going on within me, whom do I tell what is going on within me? | Hidden | Secrecy | Private | Feels difficulty in expression | Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible - Carl Jung | Even if others find out what can they do? Only you can help yourself

Repetitive Nature:

Cycles | Again and again and again | Rhythm | Pattern | Series | Does not end or stop

You feel like you are in a state of emergency and tragedy although from the outside you appear calm. External conditions are stable and ordinary but emotional response is that of tragedy, emergency, alertness, chaos and pain.

Clock | 12 AM to 12 AM | Round and round and round

Transformation:

Sheds skin | New clothing | New skin

Chemical Reaction | A chemical reaction is a process that leads to the chemical transformation of one set of chemical substances to another | a A + b B → c C + d D | Breaking up of reactant bonds and formation of new bonds

Metamorphosis | Metamorphosis means a complete change of character, appearance, or condition | Caterpillar to Butterfly

The law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed - only converted from one form of energy to another | Eg, Mechanical energy to electrical energy

Self destruction and self construction | Self decay and self development | Self degradation and self improvement

Evolution | Evolution is a process of gradual change that takes place over many generations, during which species of animals, plants, or insects slowly change some of their physical characteristics

Accident | Accident is an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage, or loss (in the conscious world)

Surgery | Surgery is the treatment of injuries or diseases in people or animals by cutting open the body and removing or repairing the damaged part (in the psychological, spiritual, emotional, physical, material life)

Flood | Flood is a temporary rise of the water level (unconscious psychic content) resulting in its spilling over and out of its natural or artificial confines onto land that is normally dry (conscious life)

Germination | Sprouting of a seed after period of dormancy

caption: transformation of soul

IMMATURE NATIVE: Externalizes, tries to control others, manipulative, power seeking, emotionally reactive.

MATURE NATIVE: Internalizes, deliberately controls inner processes, intentionally manipulates own thoughts, emotionally calm and composed.

HEALING:

To become healthy again | Repairing of damage | rehabilitation | recovery | rehab | recuperation | mending | revival | comeback | to become sound or healthy again | remedial | If the wound is smaller it will be healed quickly, but if the wound is deeper it will take longer to heal

Spring is one of the four temperate seasons, succeeding winter and preceding summer | Spring is known for life. It's the season of rebirth, joy and love.

Psychoanalysis | Therapy | Surgery | Treatment |

Stages of healing of wound: Hemostasis > Inflammation > Proliferation > Maturation | Wound no longer hurts | Painfree | Peace and harmony

Forgiveness | Higher consciousness | Identification and acceptance | Integration | Remission | Survivor | Healer

"When the student is ready the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready... the teacher will disappear" - Tao Te Ching

SACRIFICE:

Giving up something that is important or valuable to you in order to get or do something that seems more important | short term loss in return for a greater gain | Invest your money into stock market for future gains | Transaction, you give something and you get something back | Offering something or someone close to you to the Great source

Everything everywhere is a sacrifice | Relationship is a sacrifice of time, emotions, thoughts, feelings, | Shopping is the sacrifice of time, money, savings | Every sacrifice brings with it a finished product

Sacrifice of knowledge | Spreading awareness | Teaching others | Helping others | Tuition classes | Goodbye and come back again!

To conclude, everything around you in the physical world and everything within you in the spiritual world has characteristic of death and rebirth. The duration of transformation will vary in each native. The nature of transformation will look different to the biological eyes. But in the intuitive eyes, the hidden psychological and spiritual transformation is sensed, recognized, acknowledged and identified.

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