#ONE TIME WE WERE VENTING TO HER ABOUT BEING MISGENDERED AND SHE JUST SAID WE WERE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jinxxedmisery · 1 year

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I just wanted to come here and say, I'm sorry I haven't been active lately.

I haven't gotten around to requests in like months.. thankfully only one is in my inbox right now.

I also haven't been doing a lot of art.. things have happened which I will vent about... because my therapy appointment is over a month away and where else can I vent if not tumblr..

Tw mental health stuff, general health stuff, transphobia, relationship drama.

So happy Pride Month... it's nearly over, I know.. but oh well. Like a lot of people are saying, this pride month feels different.. less safe.. I came out as nonbinary to my family last year and started socially transitioning and I have known I was pansexual since 14.... so this stuff kinda hits hard.,

Even being in Canada it's scary seeing all this hate.. it's not as bad here.. but haha.. I happen to live in Alberta.. half the population here is homophobic, godfearing, truckers, cowboys, and farmers.... so I feel a sense of danger every time I'm open about it..

I went to a parade in my town.. we have a yearly event in June.. it's not pride.. but I kinda treat it as a form of pride.. I wore my pronoun pin badge I bought shortly after I came out. One of the town four churches has a Vacation Bible School program and a woman who is a pastor's wife always every year comes up to me and tells me she wants me to volunteer to help them out and kinda forces me to take an info packet....

Yeah.. this year she looked directly at my pin badge and talked to my parents instead basically pretending I didn't exist which was kinda funny and a huge relief.. hope this stops her from bothering me In the future... I did notice a few people look at it as well and like body block their child... which was so stupid.. istg conservatives think we're the boogeyman or some shit. Also kept getting misgendered... some lady who knew me from my childhood says "oh you've grown into such a beautiful young lady" and I straight up felt ill..

Anyway.. during that event my mother had a medical emergency.. she had a mini stroke.. my mom was very confused wasn't aware of her surroundings.. she's normally super resistant to going to the hospital and will fight you.. but she was so confused she got up, got her shoes on and got into the car and walked into the hospital without a fight...later she nearly punched me in the face while we were trying to hold her down so the nurses could get an IV in.. (they don't have daytime security at the local hospital and they don't have restraints) she said she doesn't remember any of it..,

As for my relationship.. I still have a boyfriend.. he's been pretty busy with work though.. his boss moved him to a super inconvenient schedule 3pm to 9pm.. every single day, no days off..

He's also had so much trouble with his car that it's not even funny. It's all been the coolant.. he thinks he's fixed it though so.. I'm hoping that won't be an issue as much.

So it's been hard for us (especially me.., because.. like my last relationship ended shortly after my ex couldn't make it out to see me.., he did finally admit it was excuses so.. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was afraid of that happening again) but we're enduring it.. he's a sweetheart and has been making time to talk to me after work almost every night until he gets too tired to continue..

It helps a lot.. he makes me feel wanted and he is trying his best to make it work so we can see eachother in person 😊he'll be coming out tomorrow morning and staying until 1pm.. we only get 2 hrs together but it's fine.. any amount of time with him that I get is worth it.

I promised him one day if he's able to visit for longer we'll watch Heathers: The Musical and get slushies... mountain dew, cherry or lime flavored ofc (iykyk) he's into that idea thankfully lol..

it's a requirement that everyone in my life watches Heathers at least once... I've seen it so many times I could almost recite the entire thing... 🤭

But that's all for now, when I get the motivation I will write requests!

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schmope-is-dead · 2 years

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GOD. I KNOW THIS IS JUST PERIOD EMOTIONS OR WHATEVER BUT DO YOU EVER JUST WANNA GO APESHIT. DON'T YOU WANNA GO CRAZY

#caps tw #I HATE OUR THERAPIST AND I HATE OUR MOM #LITERALLY THE ONLY GOOD ADULTS IN OUR LIFE ARE OUR DAD OUR AUNT AND OUR UNCLE #BUT EVEN THEY'RE MORALLY... DUBIOUS TO SAY THE LEAST #OUR THERAPIST JUST STRAIGHT UP SUCKS. LIKE PUTTING ASIDE HOW HER MORALS ARE SHITTY #SHE'S LIKE. REALLY BAD AT HER JOB TOO #ONE TIME WE WERE VENTING TO HER ABOUT BEING MISGENDERED AND SHE JUST SAID WE WERE #GETTING TOO OFFENDED OVER IT #LIKE WHAT THE FUCK #AND A LITTLE EXPERIMENT WE'VE BEEN DOING #SHE THINKS THAT WE DON'T SHOW SYMPTOMS OF DID #SO WE JUST PRESENT OUR SYMPTOMS TO HER WITHOUT TELLING HER THAT WE KNOW IT'S BECAUSE OF DID #AND SHE ONLY ACCEPTS THEM AS SYMPTOMS THEN #SHE SAYS THAT SHE BELIEVES WE'RE PROBABLY AUTISTIC BUT THEN SHE JUST ACTS SURPRISED WHEN WE SHOW SYMPTOMS OF IT #AND I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SNAP. I WANT TO TELL HER TO HER FACE THAT SHE'S A SHITTY THERAPIST #SHE'S SURE AS HELL RESILIENT. WE'VE MADE A THERAPIST DISLIKE US SO MUCH THEY RECOMMENDED WE #CHANGED THERAPISTS #BUT SHE'S WEIRD. SHE'S THE OUTLIER.#SHE AND US DISAGREE A LOT. SHE'S CALLED US CHALLENGING. BUT SHE NEVER QUITS #LIKE I'M GENUINELY MAD AT HER BUT I HAVE TO RESPECT HER COMMITMENT #ANYWAY THAT'S ALL I'M EMOTIONALLY READY TO SAY. LOL.#vent #blurry.txt

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genderkoolaid · 2 years

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experiences w transandrophobia, cw for rape, abuse (mental & physical), also brief touches on me being suicidal and being anorexic & just general horrible fuckery:

i feel like some of these are also just transphobia but reading the other submissions made me think about them. so i thought maybe i'd share. you can just delete this though if it doesn't fit w the theme, dw <3 anyways, when i was younger, i was subjected to csa, from about 4-8 years old. which isn't that bad but years later i learnt it was because i was presenting as very masc from about two years old and he felt he could get away with it because my mother thought i was tainted and horrible and demonic for presenting masculinely. and he was right, he got away with it without my mother intervening until he died. thanks to him i have DID. in my first relationship, i dated a cis man where he abused me for 3 years, treating me as a woman, and misgendering me unless we were with people and if we were he would show me off like some kind of sex object to people. i never said anything because i loved him and he technically never deadnamed me (used a demeaning nickname) and i hated making him mad (bc he beat the shit out of me, i am so stupid /lh). he subjected me to corrective rape time after time after time. when he left me, he outed me to my mother. she tried to kill me with a knife. the police didn't come when i called them (fuck the pigs, all cops are bastards). now my mother shows me off like my ex used to. it triggers me so bad. she tells people how proud she is of her son and how she's always supported my masculinity, and how good of a mother she is. i only very recently learned i am intersex, through old medical documents, and i highly suspect this is why she hated me as a child and told me i was a demon so often. but i can't mention it because shes probably gonna stab me if i do. and i keep trying to kill myself, but she wont take me to hospital because i do it to myself and she's trying "to put me off" doing it. she uses my DID and bipolar to discourage me from transitioning, to the point if i thought of transitioning i had panic attacks. i have to hide my binders in case she steals them, she often has volatile breakdowns where she uses my dysphoria and anorexia to try and suicide bait me. she withholds food from the whole family (including 3 under-teens kids) if she looks through my food and weight records and sees anything has gone up. i genuinely think one day i will die in this house, alone, and that terrifies me. but there's nothing i can do. i'm slowly dying and i will die here and nobody will care.

anyways i had about 47 panic attacks typing this up, so i hope you have a wonderful day, take care, i love your blog i hope you're healthy and well <333

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

And if you ever need a donations/mutual aid post shared, or if you need to vent or anything, please do not be afraid to reach out. I hope for the best for you and your siblings, and I hope you will be able to leave and have the life you deserve.

#m.#ask box #experiences with transandrophobia #rape tw #csa tw #abuse tw #disordered eating tw #attempted murder tw #intersexism #ed tw #eating disorder tw #ableism tw #sanism tw

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quazartranslates · 3 years

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Welcome to the Nightmare Game II - CH48

**This is an edited machine translation. For more information, please [click here]**

[<<< Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter >>>]

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Chapter 48: Star Death Reality Show (XXXI) {cw: misgendering}

"Will Qi Leren be alright?" Dr. Lu, who had already run away, looked at Du Yue behind him in a panic and murmured in a low voice, "I have a bad feeling."

"Qianbei will be fine," Du Yue said confidently.

"No, let's go down and have a look. If he’s in trouble, we can help," Dr. Lu said.

"Okay, let's go." Du Yue was fine with it.

The two people studied the route to find the safest passage. Dr. Lu's sense of direction was bad, and Du Yue wasn’t much better. Two headless flies wandered around the institute and accidentally found intermittent blood on the ground.

The two walked along the blood trail, and finally found the injured Lara in a hidden room. Her injury wasn’t serious, but her spirit was not good. After seeing Du Yue and Dr. Lu, she was silent for a long time, and her voice was hoarse as she asked: "Have you seen Jing Siyu and Jing Sixue?"

The two shook their heads, and Lara sighed: "I'm afraid they’re in danger."

Lara told them what had happened after they ran away. Jing Siyu and Jing Sixue disappeared quickly, but Janet, Alex and Lara were together. They’d had an argument because Francis had been parasitized by an octopus. Janet strongly suspected that Lara was parasitized, and Lara would naturally not admit to such false accusations. During the argument, they met Leviathan, who had been thrown off by Qi Leren once before.

Janet, who was the closest to Leviathan, was the first to be killed. Alex tried to escape, but Leviathan jumped up again. Alex, who was eager to get rid of it, tried to push Lara out, and even stabbed Lara with a dagger. However, Lara had a strong will to survive. She took the dagger regardless of her injury and stabbed Alex’s vitals with a knife. She hid in a room, locked the door, and crawled away from the vents.

After that, Lara tenaciously fled the whole way, and finally came here and met Du Yue and Dr. Lu.

"We also met the monster, and Qi Leren led it away. Here's the thing..." Dr. Lu plainly told the story again, and finally asked, "We’re going to find Qi Leren. Would you like to join us?"

Lara touched the wound on her hand and nodded firmly: "Let's go."

This time, all three people were in a heavy mood. Especially after seeing the incomplete bodies of Jing Siyu and Jing Sixue, Lara cried sadly and asked aloud, "Are we the only ones left? Is Qi still alive?"

Janet and Alex had undoubtedly died by Leviathan's mouth, as well as Jing Siyu and Jing Siyue. Francis, Annie, Mark and Xue Jiahui were all parasitized. He Yi became Leviathan’s host. Only four of them had survived, and among them, Qi Leren’s life and death were still uncertain.

"Of course he’s still alive!" Dr. Lu said firmly. "He must still be alive!"

　　&&&

In the vast underground ice palace.

"Prophet, are you awake?" A blindfolded woman stood up from the chair of carved ice and respectfully saluted him. The ice and snow maids who were responsible for guarding the underground ice palace also bent over in salute.

"Soothsayer? Is it your rotation today?" asked the Prophet.

"It should have been the Iillusionist’s turn, but he had something to do, so we changed it," the Soothsayer replied.

"How is that boy recently?" When it came to the Illusionist, the Prophet's tone was clearly casual.

"Not bad, I heard that he made an interesting new friend, and he played tricks on others all day long." The Soothsayer smiled and asked again, "This time, you slept for a much shorter time than expected. Is something wrong?"

"It's not an accident." The Prophet frowned and looked up at the dome of ice and snow, but his line of sight seemed to pass through the thick layer of ice and look at the vast universe.

The blindfolded Soothsayer could not see his expression at the moment, but she could feel his inner unrest.

"Someone has discovered their original force, and that force is biased towards us," said the Prophet.

The Soothsayer breathed a sigh of relief, smiled, and said, "Isn't this a good thing? Although it’s only the first step, it’s always ahead of the other sentient beings on the starting line. Maybe it will eventually condense a half-field or even a field."

It was only the first step to discover one's original force, and it would take some difficult self-testing to condense a half-field, but this already meant that this person was about to embark on a road different from ordinary players. Any master at the field level started from this first step. Although most people would fall in the long road of experience, everyone who had reached the field level had terrible strength.

The Prophet sighed faintly: "It’s too early to talk about field condensation... Although I’m optimistic about him, I didn’t expect it to be so fast. This may not be a good thing for him. There are still too many problems in his body that have not been solved."

The Soothsayer asked curiously, "Do you know that man? What is his original force?"

The Prophet sensed the new force full of vigor and hope, and gently spoke the answer:

"Rebirth."

　　&&&

In the deep underground glacier wrapped in eternal cold, the temperature was 60 degrees below zero. When human beings were exposed to this environment, it only took a few minutes for the blood in the nose and ears to be unable to maintain circulation because of the cold, and the cells would quickly die.

This underground world without light seemed destined to be forgotten in the cold.

Crushed skull, whole body fracture, ruptured organs, internal and external bleeding... Worse than that, when falling from that height, the speed would return to zero at the moment of contact with the ground, and the body would be deformed instantly under the huge force of the impact. Even the space alien Leviathan, whose vitality was extremely terrible, was seriously injured after falling and fell into a deep sleep.

To say nothing of a human being.

Death was the only outcome.

But suddenly, something moved in the ruinous "tomb" created from broken ice.

And then moved again.

Qi Leren felt as if he was in an icy hell. Every time he breathed, thousands of ice needles punctured his internal organs crazily, which made him feel miserable. He couldn't even think of why he felt so painful and cold, or where he was.

Under this inhuman pain, he only felt that he didn't want to live any longer, but he couldn't even die.

Breathing returned, heartbeat returned, he still couldn't open his eyes, he could only move with all his might. The stones and ice blocks on his arms also moved and collapsed violently, and his sound echoed in the lifeless darkness.

Qi Leren's consciousness gradually returned, and he remembered who he was, but he still didn't realize where he was. He complained crazily in his mind that the air conditioner in his room was too cold, and that he had even accidentally fallen from the bed, and now he couldn't move.

But how could it hurt so much? It was like all his bones were broken.

Qi Leren's confused thinking leaped illogically. He saw many things, and the broken pictures rampaged in front of his eyes, but they just passed away. All he remembered was that he saw a pair of blue eyes.

Blue eyes.

Ning Zhou.

The name suddenly appeared in Qi Leren’s, which was like a spell to unlock the seal on his memories. Countless heavy memories were bearing down, which were more painful than the rose thorn stuck in his heart.

He was going to find Ning Zhou, and he was going to bring him back.

Qi Leren finally recalled his mission, and he began to struggle, struggling to get up from the tomb built from broken ice. Just turning over exhausted his strength, and he had to lie prone on the ground and breathe for a while, only to recover his strength slowly.

He noticed the time. It has been twenty hours since he’d fallen from the ice cliff. It was ten o'clock on the fifth night. The fifth day’s Best of the Day had already been announced, but he didn't know who it was. At the same time, his privacy time has been reset with the new day day, and he had another ten hours.

If you fell from such a high place, the tracking camera should be damaged. If not, the low temperature here should make it unable to work normally. But just to be on the safe side, turn it off.

"Turn off the camera." Qi Leren squeezed his voice out of his dry throat, and coughed wildly as soon as he finished speaking. His mouth was full of the fishy sweetness of blood, which made Qi Leren feel queasy.

Suddenly there was a light sound in the dark, as if a stone had been pushed down.

Qi Leren immediately took out a flashlight from the item bar and shone it in the direction of the sound.

Not far away, there is a mound of rocks and crushed ice, and a tentacle was slowly sticking out from the inside, which was extremely slow and seems to be seriously injured.

That thing wasn't dead yet? Or did it sense the breath of the living again and wake up from hibernation?

Qi Leren struggled from the ground. Although he was mysteriously resurrected, his left hand, which was bitten off by Leviathan, still didn't grow back. If he tried this again, he would only die.

But fortunately, he had a key item that had cooled down.

When the Prophet's Heart was used again, Qi Leren felt subtly different from the last time. The phantom angel falling from the sky came to him and took him away from the terrible world to the carefree Garden of Eden. Under the cover of God's grace, he didn't need to worry, and he didn't feel fear. The world was like sand in his hand, and he could easily knead it into the shape he wanted.

Heavy rocks and ice were pushed away with a flick, exposing Leviathan lying on the ground dying. This horrible monster had a red eye, and this huge eyeball was full of ferocious madness.

There was an invisible giant clock behind him, and the pointer walked quickly. As long as it finished three laps, the power he borrowed would be like the chime of midnight, dissipating all magic.

He had to hurry.

Qi Leren held out his hand and raised his palm in the void. Leviathan floated and began to roar and struggle, but this degree of resistance had no effect before the original force. Moving the palm of his hand slowly, Qi Leren felt that he could easily knead it into pieces, just like what he did to Mark's octopus.

But this was not the only way. Qi Leren felt the mystery of time and carefully explored its secret. A mysterious feeling emerged in his heart. He rubbed his fingers and the sands of time slowly flowed down in his hands.

Leviathan floating in the air as if it had been cast in magic. Its shell was rapidly aging, coated with a layer of rust, and finally it seems to be petrified. Its body was full of cracks, and finally it turned into powder like beach sand, which sprinkled to the ground slowly, leaving a golden treasure chest and a round sphere.

Qi Leren waved his hand, and these two things fell into his hands. The treasure chest was opened, which was an item.

[Lucky Revolver: There are six slots in this gun’s chamber, one of which is loaded with a bullet. Shooting at one's own temple can give one minute of absolute defense within a radius of 500 meters around the locked target, but the absolute defense is invalid for this bullet. Even if you are lucky, God will only give you five minutes. If you are not afraid of death, you can continue for another minute. Locked target: not set.]

Qi Leren immediately decided that this was of no use to him, because he would blow his head off with the first shot, and unless it was matched with S/L, it was a waste.

Disappointed, he looked at the other object, which was an eyeball as big as a bowl. The scarlet pupil seemed familiar. It was called [Leviathan's Eyeball].

What was this thing? There wasn’t even a brief introductory description, which reminded Qi Leren of another prop without a brief introduction, namely, the "Scepter of Hell", which Maria had entrusted him to give to the Prophet.

Time was running out, and the clock representing his time limit only had half a rotation left. The translucent wings behind the Qi Leren lifted him, flying over the deep underground glacier, crossing the collapsed ice tunnel, flying all the way along the coming road, and returning to the iron door at the entrance before time ran out.

"Qi Leren? You’re still alive? That’s great!" "Qianbei! Are you alright? Qianbei! How did you grow wings!" "Qi, are you alright?" The three people wandering around the door with flashlights rushed up in surprise at the sight of Qi Leren.

Prophet's Heart’s time was up, and Qi Leren landed on the ground. After the sacred power retreated, he sat down weakly and walked out of the underground ice cave with the help of the three panicking people.

"It's okay, it's all taken care of. Just in case, we should quickly leave here, seal the exits, and wait for rescue." Although Qi Leren was still in the aftershocks of coming back from the dead, his mind was clear, and he clearly commanded the three people. He was worried about whether there were any octopuses hatching in the research institute, but he was afraid to say it now, for fear that after his mouth moved, his good luck would run out.

Du Yue had great strength, and single handedly carried Qi Leren, who had lost his arm, on his back. He listened to the three people say what had happened after they’d split up, learning that after discovering that the other people had become Leviathan's food, the three people had come to the bottom of the institute to look for Qi Leren. They went in several times, but the temperature inside was horribly low. Unlike Qi Leren who had been blessed by the holy light, they finally had to retreat, worried that Qi Leren was dead.

Qi Leren didn't say that he and Leviathan had fallen off the ice cliff together, only that Leviathan had fallen off, and that he was injured and unconscious for a long time but didn't die. Finally, God blessed him and gave him strength to return to them.

Dr. Lu and Du Yue were very embarrassed, but Lara was very moved. She took Qi Leren's remaining right hand and sincerely said, "When we go back, introduce me to your teachings. I’m willing to be baptized."

Qi Leren, who had no intention of preaching at all, was in a distressing situation. One atheist has destroyed the worldviews of another atheist through acting skills and unscientific miracles—maybe more than one. Should he be sealed as a saint or something?

They left the underground research institute, blocked the exit, left the basement, and returned to the surface. The night was bright and the whole land was covered with white snow and ice. Lara, who was the first to leave the room, pointed to the sky in surprise and shouted: "Look, what is that!"

The three people raised their heads and looked at the approaching black spots.

"Is it... Is the rescue coming?" Dr. Lu was excited.

"Great." Qi Leren also breathed a sigh of relief. The copy was coming to an end, and they could return to the Nightmare World soon.

The spacecraft was getting closer and closer, and before long, they would be able to board the spacecraft safely and leave, but the spacecraft was slow to land. The four people waited anxiously, just like waiting for a late plane.

"It seems like something’s wrong." Lara stood up and looked at more and more spacecrafts that had no intention of landing. "What are they waiting for?"

A thought flashed through Qi Leren's mind: "Are they a civilian spacecrafts?"

"No, these are..." Lara said, her voice stopping abruptly.

A beam more dazzling than sunlight converged on the muzzle of the spacecraft, and the terrible energy was aimed at this planet!

Stunned, the four people watched the devastating attack on the plane beneath their feet, and they couldn't help feeling shocked. They had never thought that, after escaping death from a horrible space alien, they would finally die at the hands of their own people. In order to prevent the octopus from spreading, the army gave up the idea of a rescue landing and blasted the whole planet to pieces at a safe distance, where there was no risk of contact.

At the last second in this copy world, Qi Leren and the others were judged to have completed the task requirement of "surviving until the army arrived", and left the world in the light of the blast.

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Editor’s Notes: Obviously those items can only have positive results, right?

As a bonus for the end of this arc, BMBL wrote a collection of the program audience’s reactions on her Weibo. They’re posted as images so I can’t easily throw them into an mtl, but here’s the link for anyone who wants to take a stab at it: https://weibo.com/1741082525/F4b6D7Upr

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[<<< Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter >>>]

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nyxbearkitty · 3 years

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Related to the last post I reblogged, my Bio Father's side of the family was so brainwashed by Mormonism that he was obsessed with our British blood, and now that I'm old enough to pick up on why I'm just. I don't know but I'm feeling things. Bio's mostly Mexican and Aniyvwiya (assuming there wasn't baby swapping on his side of the family, there definitely was in the other) but he was so lazer focused on his British blood that he never mentioned it (I had to ask other family members) and he was fully convinced we were somehow related to Queen Ann. At the time it was irritating but in hindsight I'm sad. Not only that but Mormonism had such a vice grip on Bio's side of the family that he and one of my uncles never got the care or treatment they needed for what I can only suspect is schizophrenia. Instead of directing them towards help, the family encouraged both of them to interact with their hallucinations, as they were "God's messengers" or "demons," and that they needed to listen to their paranoia because "God is guiding them". That uncle at one point believed he was God and disappeared for a while ( although I genuinely don't remember if he came back??), something that could have been prevented or at least helped had their symptoms not been so forcibly aggravated. I hate the things he did to me and Mom but I think things could have been much happier had they not been indoctrinated (though I wouldn't trade my stepdad for the world).

Mom's side of the family was also full of religious zealots, but Mom saw through all of it and kept me grounded. That said she was often financially leashed and I still got dragged into church (don't remember which sect of Christianity) where I got kicked out of the youth group for crying. Because I was hungry. I was five.

There was another time when my great aunt (Mom's side) and her girlfriend shoved me into another church youth group. The first thing they did was do a long presentation for a week-long camping trip and at first I thought "oh this seems cool" but after they got me hyped up for that they started talking about how "all masturbators are evil and if you look at porn once you're tarnished forever" and it's safe to say I dodged a fucking bullet by not going on that trip.

There was another time when I was spending two weeks with an older family friend, and I had just barely hinted at being pagan. One night she and her husband brought me into the living room in the middle of the night to warn me about my "evil practices" for three fucking hours. I had to fake conversion for the rest of the trip. Cut to several years later, we're at a different uncle's wedding, and I'm fully out of the closet and show up in a suit. She didn't say my name to me, but deadnamed and misgendered me to everyone else and then had the nerve to hand me a photo album full of pre-closet-exodus pictures of me. At my uncle's wedding. An event that was not about me, practically forcing me to stay quiet because it wasn't the time to call her out.

Anyways every time I see a church, I feel a little bit of adrenaline in my face, even if I know that particular church is decent. Sorry for the vent-y word vomit, but I'm sure plenty of people have similar stories.

#ok to rb #tw religion #religious trauma #ex mormon #ex christian #this isn't anti religion this is anti cult #also I haven't slept in 28 hours so this is probably a mess

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cupidchaotic · 2 years

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VENT POST. No idea how to add a cut. Sorry.

I feel so robbed of my childhood and my freedom sometimes. I stopped doing silly voice impressions because my mother used to tell me to stop being noisy and irritating. I used to be able to do Donald Duck voice and have very much not retained the skill. I used to sing along to things constantly until my mother snapped at me that I couldn't sing and I was ruining the song. I used to be able to play a few songs fluently on bass, until my mother pushed and pressured me to study for my exams at every waking second, and robbed me of my practise time.

"You can have free time once it's summer."

"My friends don't study like this, they get more than five minute breaks to walk and go pee and drink water."

"Well your friends aren't as slow as you, if you want good grades, you study on MY schedule."

I used to keep diaries religiously until I found out what happened to the ones that "went missing." She actively stole my private writings from me, read them, and KEPT THEM, without telling me until I found one in her stuff by accident. I used to dress like I was having fun, but every time we went shopping together, my mother would tell me that I looked fat, I looked stupid, I looked childish, and any number of little things to cut me down to size. I used to love swimming, until she started asking why I couldn't swim like my little brother.

I had so many hobbies and interests that disappeared from my life because I was snapped at or told I was bad at it or WOULD be bad at it if I even tried. Now I'm at this loose end as an adult where I want to get things back and regain the things that made me happy. I'm so riddled with anxieties that I won't ever be good at the things I want to do, that I'm almost too terrified to try.

And all that's before I even mention that she wholeheartedly rejected me when I came out to her as trans, twisted it to make it so I was deliberately upsetting HER by telling her that I'm her son, not her daughter. And then dismissed the anxiety diagnosis that came a few months later because SHE knew what anxiety and depression were, and I "didn't have anything to be anxious about". I came out to her when I was freshly seventeen, and optimistic that she was cool and we had a good relationship. I'm going to be twenty-four in November, and she still openly deadnames me and misgenders me. She once lied to a therapist we briefly saw together (by accident, long story, but we were not there on purpose to work on our issues) and said that we were making progress and she was starting to accept me and use the right pronouns. I was so taken aback I just stared at her in disbelief. I couldn't even summon the words up to correct her. She has a way of doing that actually, of making it seem impossible to talk. She used to get angry at me for it. She'd berate me for just sitting there in silence and crying. I don't even know what it was that stopped me from being able to physically speak whenever I felt confronted by her. I just couldn't do it.

Anyway. This is long and rambly but... it's getting better. I think. She still has her claws in deep, demanding that I do things for her (design me a complicated tattoo for free! I don't care if it's not your artistic wheelhouse!) and expecting me to call and text her multiple times a week, and visit as often as I can, and expecting me to divulge personal information about what's going on in my life and my relationship. But it is getting better. I don't need her permission for things now, I don't need to rely on her for mone, and that in itself is a huge freedom. I don't feel obligated to tell her anything that I don't want to share with her about my life, which believe me, is a lot more of it than she'd like. I can reject her phone calls, which I couldn't even do when I was at uni without her losing it and blowing up my friends' phones. I can reject her calls and tell her I'm busy or working, or when I'm really feeling good about myself, I can straight up tell her I don't feel like it. I'm sure in her mind, me distancing myself from her is cruel. But I'm one more argument away from cutting her off completely. It's my soft heart and my deep-seated hope that we COULD have a good relationship that keeps her in my life, and nothing more than that. If she cuts that thread, I'm gone, and I don't even know if she knows it. I don't know if I care.

#tw: mothers #vent post #personal #:|#long post #what else do i tag this as to flag as many filters and get hidden as possible #hrm #tw: parent mention

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smol-nevi · 3 years

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I don't generally make this kind of thing a habit, but I think if you happen to be on the Crystal RP Discord, aka @crystal-rp-ffxiv, you should probably be aware of this kind of behavior, so here goes.

If you're on Crystal RP and the admin team decides they don't like you, you're going to be living under a microscope while they wait for you to mess up, if not bait you, probably while making up conspiracies about you as well. As for how I know this, I was a moderator for about a week's duration and saw it first-hand.

Unapologetically lengthy post. Receipts in the link above, long version below the cut.

From the first time I looked in the mod chat I knew something was wrong. I read backwards in the channel, thinking I'd acclimate myself and see what kind of rules precedents had been set and that sort of thing. I mostly just found out that they had it out for a particular member (at the time using the name Jericho) for not much reason. They'd spent a troubling amount of time over the past few months watching him and another member like vultures, believing them to be the same person and waiting for them to make some kind of mistake that would justify banning both of them...despite keeping different schedules, having different personalities and typing habits, and visibly being two different people. The admin team had come to the conclusion that Jericho was a troll who wanted to make them look bad, and anything he said or did was scrutinized to a ridiculous degree for evidence that would corroborate their belief.

Except none of the things they believed at all were true: he'd had a minor argument via DM with the head admin Benjimir Thursby's wife, Tessariel Aerlinn, who had made an overly broad statement about anime and Asian culture. Jericho had told her that overgeneralization about 'Asian culture' is potentially racist, and she became extremely angry, saying that because she's Asian, she can't be racist against Asians. After that, it seemed that Jericho was considered fair game for whatever retaliatory actions the two of them could justify.

Even a cursory glance at actual racism in Asia pokes Tessariel's statement entirely full of holes, and having personally read the conversation I didn't see anything actually inaccurate in his statement even if she believed it didn't apply to her. I asked what he had done that would merit such a response, because it felt very disproportionate to anything I'd ever seen him do publicly, and that was what I was told. The exchange via DMs had been screencapped and kept in a channel for evidence, and while I didn't get a copy of it, I did read it, and I said that I thought it sounded awfully one-sided and punitive and would have been much better as an actual conversation. I also expressed that I was concerned how much of the channel had been solely devoted to what was basically a witch hunt, considering that some of the server members had over the course of the past couple of months commented that the admins' behavior towards Jericho seemed biased.

I basically got a pat on the head and told that my opinion was "valued" but wrong. This would happen a lot over the course of the week.

Shit continued to escalate. Their favorite punching bag, who was acutely aware of the grudge by now and probably trying to be nice and discuss something that he thought they could all talk about, brought up some articles that stated that LOTRO might be having a graphical overhaul. This actually ended in him being put into some kind of time-out mute, because "everyone knows those articles are debunked already" despite them still being hosted on reputable games news sites. Back-channel, the admin consensus was that he was in fact trying to bait Benjimir and Tessariel into somehow looking stupid in public, because [paraphrasing] 'he knows how important LOTRO is to them.'

Benjimir in fact went off publicly about how he knows the dev team and they sent him 'personalized swag' for 'being himself' and that everyone should just listen to him because he's right. Someone else made a reasonable request for sources on statements that Benjimir made about the LOTRO improvements not happening, and they immediately became the team's private #2 punching bag.

The whole time I reiterated that this was really uncomfortable and I had serious concerns about the way they were handling Jericho. And as always I received a pat on the head and was told to not worry about it, there were really good reasons for it, really. He was 'bringing down the quality of discourse' on the server somehow. Benjimir decided that the only way he would unmute Jericho is if Jericho talked directly to him, and that Jericho tried to talk to any of the more level-headed members of the team first was taken as obvious evidence that he wanted to evade rules and create problems. I asked when we planned to unmute him, and Tessariel immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had messaged me, which wasn't incorrect but the way she worded it felt highly accusatory and I was beginning to feel that I was also in trouble somehow for not agreeing with the rest of the team.

Things came to a head quickly when I woke up and looked at the mod chat and they were having an animated conversation that started with Benjimir asking if it was 'bad that he was laughing at Jericho' and most of the rest of the team talking about how he was stupid, uninformed, a troll, etc. for the sin of having some misgivings about cryptocurrency, of all the things. One of the mods self-described their behavior as bullying. I said that this was extremely unprofessional and that I thought they should keep conversation to actual moderation matters, and if they had a personal disagreement with a server member they should handle it in a personal venue, not via official server moderation channels.

I was, for the final time, patted on the head, and told that this was not something they would consider, because the moderation team 'needs to be able to vent for their mental health' (never mind that the job was not stressful except for the rest of the team committing worse behavior than the server members) and that maybe I was in fact too sensitive for the job. Benjimir heavily implied that I had become too close to Jericho and was being manipulated, managed to misgender me somehow despite my having used solely male or neutral pronouns the entire time I'd been on the server, and after relating a story in which a couple of years ago a well-liked moderator left after having the same complaints as I did (which he saw nothing at all troubling about), suggested that I should be demoted to babysitting the lore channel.

So I took some time to collect receipts, which are linked at the top of the post, and told him where to shove it.

Since that time, things have actually somehow gotten worse on Crystal RP. Benjimir posted an entire page screed vaguely talking about "rampant negativity" that stated anyone with questions should DM him.

Upon DMing him with questions, Jericho was banned, the only reason given being that he was a 'poor fit' for the server in some vague way. I was immediately banned afterwards for calling out this decision as being driven by a personal vendetta in the feedback channel and let him know afterwards via DMs in no uncertain terms that I had logged everything I needed and would be building my case (and that he is an asshole). Jericho was reinstated, though I'm not sure what the conditions of his return were as that was after my ban and I didn't ask since I didn't want to stress him out further. Benjimir also reprimanded someone for discussing asexuality, stating in a DM to them that the conversation was somehow ERP related. I called him out on this via DM as well. Tessariel was not much later caught posting my last DMs to Benjimir in an entirely unrelated server, though she didn't include the part after that where I brought up his aphobia (during Pride Month, in a server with a rainbow icon no less). Benjimir for some reason decided to suddenly start following my FC's Tumblr well after our falling-out.

And as of today (6/24), Crystal RP now has seven pages of draconian rules, because it wasn't micromanaged hard enough before or something. Notably, a lot of these rules describe behaviors that they wanted to punish Jericho for but couldn't at the time justify, or that they'd like to punish me for but have nothing they can do to me. Or they exist to justify their own behavior, as now seen in the very beginning of the channel:

"This approach also provides our volunteers with leeway to act in good faith without the burden befitting a professional occupation."

"So we afford them the means to speak openly, vent, lament, candidly and yes, sometimes crassly and raw about everything and one."

Not only did they behave unprofessionally and shit-talk before, they have now encoded in the rules that this is acceptable and even good moderator behavior, because they saw someone else do it so it's fine (a lot of this wording is very similar to what I was told when I protested it). So rather than address anything I ever said past or present, Benjimir is choosing to double down and giving himself and his team explicit permission to be shitty, right in the opening paragraphs where you'd have expected a mission statement or at least some sort of welcome.

Which is about all you need to know about that server and its owners, in my estimation. I'd considered not even posting to Tumblr about it, but given that it's only getting worse, I think it should be generally known that this is how you can expect to potentially be treated.

#FFXIV #FFXIV RP #Crystal Data Center #Crystal RP #Balmung RP #Mateus RP #on one hand it's drama on the other I can and will call a spade a spade or in this case a douchebag a douchebag #this shouldn't be surprising to anyone who knows me even a little

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19thcenturyedgelord · 3 years

Text

TW: Transphobia, Homophobia, abuse, neglect, p3dophilia, s3xual assault, su!cide, alcohol

~Vent~

My mother is constantly saying that they is only two gender and is always dead naming me, the one time I get her to say my preferred name she rolls her eyes and scoffs as she says it.

My mother has told me my whole life that she owns me and that I don't get to make any decisions for myself, she was dressing me until I was disowned at 14.

My mother would threaten to k!ll herself is I ever did something she didn't like, this includes: having a panic attack, dealing with over stimulation, trying to dress myself, telling her to stop walking in on me while I was showering/changing, going to bed early, going to bed late, saying I was hungry, asking to be allowed to go outside, wearing my headphones, not being strictly christian/not eating kosher, ect.

My mother got rid of my pet hermit crabs without telling me and was constantly trying to release my turtles even though they would die in the wild and they were being taken care of very well with a large, clean tank and plenty of food and hiding places, a special light that was good for their shell, and a great water to land ratio.

My mother slut shamed me because I was wearing shorts that went above my knees (they were perfectly appropriate btw).

My mother would scream at me for hours if I got anything less than a 100% on a test and even if I did get a 100% she would ask me why I didn't get any extra credit even if there was none available and even if I'd did get extra credit she would ask why I didn't get MORE extra credit.

While I lived with my mother I had a diet of nothing but microwave meals and chips and chips because she spent all of her money on vape, cigarettes, and alcohol. I would constantly be near unconsciousness due to my low blood sugar because I had nothing to eat.

She has slapped me across the face multiple times, one time with sharp plastic that cut my chin, she did this as a punishment. One time she slapped me because my blood sugar was low and I was grumpy, this is how it went down:

Me: Hey I know you wanna talk right now but can I make some food first my blood sugar is low this should take me 20 minutes max"

Her: No, I'm you mother and your going to talk to me right now

Me: Can I please just get something to eat

Her: *yells at me wich causes me to get distracted*

Me: *spills uncooked mac&cheese because distracted*

Her: *yells at me then slaps me across the face*

My mother nearly beat me to unconsciousness because she was very drunk, I had bruises all over me the next morning but I was to afraid to say anything because I new she would scream at me and hurt me more.

She molested me daily, forced me to change in front of her, forcefully spooned me in bed for hours even after I said no, and would "playfully" spank me.

She was constantly talking about how sexy a 17 year old at her work was and even bought him vape. She would also talk about some of my friends like that and even tried to internet stalk two of them, we are all minors.

She would lock the door to the apartment and wouldn't give me a key and would force me to wait outside in knee deep snow for hours without any warm clothing because she stole it all. She also refused to drive me to school in -8 degree (f) weather because she didn't want to loose her parking spot. I was also forced to bike to and from band practice (with she forced me to to do because she wanted to live through me) in 30 degree (f) with heavy rain because she didn't want to loose her parking spot.

She would consistently make fun of me for reading or doing anything that I enjoyed because I was a "nerd" and a "looser"

She disowned me after she stole my phone, went through it and found out I was a lesbian.

I couldn't even go into my yard without telling her where I was going, if I didn't tell her I would be screamed at and not allowed out my room, for a day and then not allowed out of the house for two more weeks.

She routinely went through my phone and my belongings without my permission, knowledge, or consent, in case I had anything "suspicious".

I tried moving in with my dad and she sued him.

She stole my most prized pokemon cards, a bag, most of my clothes, all of my old toys, and over $200 from my in the span of two weeks.

My room didn't have a door and she positioned herself so that she had to go through my room to get anywhere else in the house.

She would frequently lock the bathroom door so that it was only accessable from her room.

I told her I like pop music and she called me a failure then continued to play her extremely s3xual, vulgar, music about dr*gs, alcohol, and r@pe.

From the time I was 8 she tried to force me to drink alcohol because its "cool"

She forcefully pushed me against a wall because I refused to give her a hug after she made an offensive joke and I called her out for it.

She screamed at me because I corrected her after she misgendered me.

I had to learn morse code just so I could speak to my friends without her knowing what I was saying.

When I started counseling because I wanted to k!ll myself and because I was having upwards and 15-25 panic attacks per day, she forced me to tell her everything that happened in counseling even if I didn't want to.

She always gangs up on me in fights but if I try to get back up she just yells at me more.

She refused to take me to the hospital when I had a concussion and forced me to go to school all week even though I could barely stand or speak and now I have verbal and motor tics which she makes fun of.

She would scream at me because I sit down in the shower even though I have arthritis. (Yes I have arthritis at 15, it runs in the family and before to long I might develop psoriasis, I have shitty genes)

I wasn't allowed to wear anything that revealed my shoulders, that was low cut, shower any part of my stomach or back, short that went above my knees, ect.

I wasn't allowed to get my hair cut below my chin because it " wasn't feminine enough"

I wasn't allowed to have anything that was "for boys" this included clothes, toys, books, stickers, blankets, posters, movies, ect.

She forced me to watch R rated movies with her even if I didn't feel comfortable watching them.

I wasn't allowed to have any friends over and I wasn't allowed to go to any friends house, the one time I did have friends over she judged all of them and tried me to stop hanging out with them after they left. My friends are all very good people and are the only reason I'm still alive rn, she was just mad that I was talking to people who weren't her.

She screamed at she because I got one (1) drop of dark green ink on her black coffee table that she got for free.

I wasn't allowed to draw any male characters because she was afraid I would get off to them or something idk (this was before I was forcefully outed)

She bought me a triple chocolate cake for my birthday once. I'm allergic to chocolate. She forgot my birthday the next year.

Anytime I would tell her about the terrible bullying that was going on she would tell me to get over it, even after I had been thrown to the ground and strangled by one of my classmates.

If I got into a new game or hobby she would either take it away or shame me for playing it.

She spent all day on the computer playing Sims 3 to the point where I had to feed myself, take care of myself, and play by myself as young as 5.

She screamed at me because while talking about Pokemon lore I mentioned how Arceus is the god of the Pokemon world and she said I shouldn't say that because it would "make god mad" ( I have nothing against christians or christianity btw, just the people who shove it down your throat like she does)

I wasn't allowed to eat or drink the last of anything (finishing a bag of chips, taking the last soda, ect.) If I did she would scream at me and slap me as punishment.

She threatened to forbid me form seeing my cousin (who for the first 11 years of my life was my only friend) if I ever "talked back" to her.

She wod frequently strangle me as a form of "tough love".

When I was 2 she tried to teach me how to swim by holding me under water over and over again, drowning is now one of my greatest fears. Luckily I did learn to swim with the help of cousin and granny and even enjoy swimming but it is hard for me to do things like wash my face in the shower or stay under water for more than a few seconds without panicking.

She never taught me how to cook but then would scream at me because I didn't know how to cook.

Her smoking inside and while driving has caused me to have some lung issues, she denies that she ever smoked near me.

She tried to take me away frome everyone in my life including my family and friends so that I could only spend time with her.

When I was in fifth grade she homeschooled me and forced me to do college lever reading, learn how to code, learn at least two other languages that weren't english, learn how to play guitar, do gymnastics, do jujitsu (japanese), do soccer, learn to sing (keep I mind I had no interest in music, but she did), do a digital homeschooling program set at a highschool level, and learn a bunch of useless skills like knot tying and making friendship bracelets because it was "feminine". This was in FIFTH FUCKING GRADE.

We didn't have a washer or dryer and she would never go to to town to get laundry done so I never had clean clothes.

If I had more that $10 I had to give the rest to her.

She tried to kidnap me once.

One time on accident I stood in a bull ant hill and got stung all over (if you don't know ants all sting at once), I was swollen all over and screaming in pain and she did nothing, not even give me ice or ointment, she just told me to be more careful.

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khimkito · 3 years

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im taking a rest for a couple of days, social battery is at zero

venting under cut, there are some verbal abuse, victimblaming and transphobia that come up (i am not sure that my situation counts as these things but better safe than sorry.....) so be careful

i don't need comforting, i just know that there are people who like to listen to others talk about their lives when they say something is wrong, so here is story time!!!!!!! just need to scream somewhere

background: two years ago i was working as a mod in a little game. there was a huge conflict between fractions and i was heavily involved and a Person made an appearance and started escalating the conflict by turning people against me. Person was 21-23 y o, I was 16, almost everyone were minors as well, varying from 14 to 17 we were actively hating each other for a month, afterwards we said "wait..... wait but you're a cool kid i want to be your friend actually" and played minecraft and bonded and through out the talks something about that Person was coming up....... Person was manipulating these minors to send me hate and outright bully.......? its not uh. its not the first time this happened to me (im just that hatable ig) so i just went on living, quickly forgetting

BUT a couple of days ago a girl contacted me because she was writing a huge complaint about that Person to the chief admin and she asked for the dialogues i had about that Person and i found myself incredibly uncomfortable just thinking about what had been happening for those two years and. uh. turned out i repressed A LOT

1) i was not the only victim in a sense that were was another Someone who also had everyone turned against them by Person. and i was scrolling through our messages and there were outsiders sending them evidence of Person just denigrating Someone in a private groupchats and i had to hold Someone's hand through their borderline panic attacks. i was reading the messages yesterday and it was just fucked up i felt incredibly bad and angry

2) Person was . i dont know. Alright maybe the correct term here is Humiliating Misgendering...? There were cis girls who Person knew who went by he/him and Person had no problem with that but when it came to me it went from she/her (which were based on PHOTOS OF ME PERSON WAS KEEPING. I WAS 16.) to it/its (in russian it is even more dehumaniring bc оно is never used to refer to a living thing) which was based on a court writing "he" in a verdict of a serial killer sadistic woman in 1768. i as well believe that my actions of being annoying are comparable to brutal murders of 30+ people!

3) Person actively discusses me in private groupchats TO THIS DAY. it was two years. i made up with everyone who is still around from that initial fraction conflict. in fact, it was one of the bullies who sent me the most recent messages, and a girl writing a complain together with the Leader of the opposing fraction both are my friends and previosly were hostile. Person is the only one of them who keeps spreading hate and actually turned against them too and blames them for things Person coaxed them to do! (it was some calual game rules breaks but still. the moment these guys couldn't be used against me because they befriended me they were thrown under the bus. I Am The Unlimate Minion Stealer. all of your evil minions will be mine through the power of threating them as equals hahahahhahhahhaahaa)

4) they fucking enjoy what they do. they say "yes i am manipulating them (MINORS) lightly" like a cartoon villain who is sharing their evil plan. they gloat about how they like the hate they recieve. but when confronted about using kids they say "well that 15 yo can manupulate any person they want!" (its about Someone) "well that 16 yo is also a manipulator" (its about the Leader). i am sorry but you are 20+ oh wait. you actually said to my face that there are people who are so childrish they can be considered minors even if they are 25, what was that about...?

5) Person repeatedly made grand statements of "i am trying to tolerate you and it is you who fucks up every time. i really want to be neutral!" but they would always side with my abuser (um. another story for another time) and it would just make me deeper internalize that i am a bad person who gets on others nerves and is undeserving of good treatment so i would Stay longer because there was no way of changing anything, just enduring it. The timing of this was funny actually, because it was when the exile arc was coming to an end and c!tommy ran away and i went to an english camp and it was also snowy and far far away and it felt like an escape (i had like 2 hours of free time every day and it was enought to watch a stream/vod so you can say i had no internet) and holy fuck did c!tommys story helped me undo some of the damage and at least stop thinking of everyone as an enemy who wears a facade

well. back to the complaint yeah? it was sent. and it did nothing

"Person was a valuable worker of a mod team. Person tries to change, the situations you send us are very old and also dealt with. Such drama just ruins the community please don't spread it outside the mod team" as of today, Person keeps their position of athority

#this reads like a c!tommy rp post AHHAHAHHSHSHHSHHS

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smol-grey-tea · 3 years

Note

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

#my post #ask #long post #lgbtq #aspec #aroace #aroacespec #non binary #transgender #neutralitea #transphobia tw #aphobia tw #acephobia tw #arophobia tw #swearing cw

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papytonpropaganda · 4 years

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Warning Post: Stalker in the UT Fandom

Hey all. My friend asked me if I would be comfortable doing this and I said yes because I think no one deserves to go through what they have.

Tw stalking //

My friend Pixie has been stalked for the past 6 months or so by someone who, for whatever reason, just absolutely hates Asgore from Undertale. Pixie kins Asgore and also sees him as a father figure because their own father was a terrible person. This stalker has harassed Pixie and even contacted their mother, who is abusive, because they dislike that Pixie has such a great love for a fictional character.

I agreed to write this post in order to warn other Asgore fans and kins about this person so they are aware someone like this is out there and can be prepared in case they decide to go after other people.

Below are screenshots of an email that was sent to Pixie’s mother’s work account, which was found through hacking Pixie’s Discord. This email purported to be from a “Christian mother” who was concerned about their child interacting with Pixie. The person misgenders Pixie, who is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, and includes a great number of screenshots from Pixie’s Twitter. It is clear from the screenshots that the stalker was searching up anything they could find to out Pixie as being part of the LGBTQ+ community and also reveal Pixie’s personal vents about their mother.

Screenshots and further information will be under the cut. Warning for misgendering, stalking, and mentions of Christianity, self-harm, and accusations of exposing minors to porn.

Transcription:

“Hi [redacted]

My name is [redacted] and I’m a proud Christian mum of two. Recently, one of my children has been on a Discord server with your daughter and also has access to your daughter’s social media. As a mother, it’s my job to monitor the online activity of my children and make sure they aren’t exposed to the many dangers lurking on the internet. This includes seeing who they interact with, and I am appalled by the content on your daughter’s social media, namely her Twitter. As you know, it is not always easy to monitor our children’s online activity as this new generation is rather tech savvy. I am a firm believer that we mothers need to stick together, which is why I have emailed you to inform you of these behaviours. Your daughter frequently reveals personal information about herself and her family online (namely on Discord), and thus it was easy for me to find your email. I apologise for sending this to your business email, but I believe this to be urgent and wanted to get in touch with you as soon as possible… The only thing she has not revealed is her exact home address, though she has revealed both your workplace and the town you live in. Given the nature of the content on her Twitter alone, I am certain that you were not aware of her behaviors either, as she frequently posts atrocious and disrespectful things about you. I have attached screen captures of a few of the tweets I have seen recently which were later deleted, and I am sure you will agree that these are truly a mother’s worst nightmare. She has also exposed underaged children to pornographic content depicting a Satanic goat character known as “Asgore,” which is unacceptable especially for a twenty year old. She has also implied that she harms/cuts herself in the name of this Asgore… I would also like to make mention that the vast, vast majority of your daughter’s followers are impressionable and underaged children (between the ages of 10 and 16) yet they are being exposed to this content… It is heartbreaking to think of what our children do online even after caring for them and teaching them our Christian values. I will speaking to my children more about internet safety and the repercussions of posting online… I hope you have found this email helpful.” [email text cuts off here]

This email was full of lies from the get-go. I have shared several Discord servers with Pixie, and they have never revealed personal information. Pixie’s NSFW account was separate from their main and locked so only adults could follow. The majority of the vents concerning self-harm were about the abuse they were dealing with. They have diagnosed PTSD and are a CSA survivor and use Asgore to cope, and they do it in a healthy way. And, as Pixie’s notes on the second screenshot say, how they cope is no one else’s business anyway.

Below are screenshots that Pixie’s stalker attached to the email to their mother.

Aside from the email sent to their mother, Pixie was also sent extremely pedophilic and triggering asks on Tumblr from throwaway accounts. Even after Pixie blocked the asker, they would simply make a new account and continue to harass them.

Screenshots are below. Serious warnings for pedophilia, incest, rape, f slur, t slur, and NSFW text

As you can see, whoever this stalker is, they are a completely vile person to send these things to a CSA survivor.

Pixie wrote a thread on their Twitter, which they have asked me not to share, about the stalking and harassment they’ve been through, and just today they received this DM.

Clearly this person isn’t done yet.

Pixie and I aren’t completely sure who this person is, but we are keeping an eye on things. Hopefully we can figure out who this person is and make it so they can’t hurt anyone like this again. In the meantime, we both wanted to warn people about this person, as Pixie is sure their stalker won’t stop with them and could move on to harassing other Asgore fans at any time. Nobody deserves to be treated like Pixie has been.

Thank you for reading, and please spread this to Asgore fans if you can, so they can take precautions to protect themselves.

#jess speaks #warning post #stalking #harassment

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pandakinskin · 4 years

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C-PTSD - My story

I have been quiet for many years on this account. There is a particular reason for that, and unfortunately it will take me some time to come to terms with it.

In 2018, my best friend decided to make a callout post about me and many other people. I was facing some terrible clinical depression, so I couldn’t reach out to my friends. I had just came home from an outing with my family, and I had just checked my phone before I was heading to bed. My now ex-friend tagged me in the post, calling me out for neglecting her needs as a friend and told me to off myself for not caring about her. When I arrived at school the next day, one of the girls at school who was also on the post confronted by ex-best friend about it to ask her what happened. Instead she was greeted with a massive slap on her face, and was in tears the whole class session (~2 hours) and long after our lunch break. I didn’t want to confront my ex-friend again, and spent most of the rest of my high school in fear of running in with her.

I later came out to my friends in 2018, and my boyfriend, that I was trans. Thankfully that didn’t change much of that dynamic.

In 2019, I was diagnosed with clinical social anxiety and depression. I had taken therapy for about 6 months before my mom took me out of it saying “you seem to be doing just fine.” My mom had sat with me and my therapist the whole session, every session. So I often stayed quiet in fear of venting about my mom.

I came out to my family in October of 2019 as a trans man, though now my family looks back on it as me trying to change myself for my friends rather than a way of true self expression. My brother threatened to burn my pride flag during that month, and both he and my mother still get livid when the topic is brought up. My dad still confidently misgenders me and deadnames me.

January 2020, on MLK day I was put into a mental hospital due to suicidal ideation. I was forced to stay a full week, and spent two weeks after off from school to heal. During one of those weeks, my parents met with my boyfriend and his parents for lunch. They dragged me along as well. The reason for meeting up was for all the adults to yell at my boyfriend for not trying hard enough in the relationship. The whole time they misgendered me, which caused me to meltdown and run out of the resteraunt. My parents convinced themselves it was because I got a slap of reality about how terrible my boyfriend was. We were no longer allowed to meet up without supervision from then on out.

I graduated high school in 2020. I was attending group therapy 6 days a week, and spent a lot of time sitting at home as covid was on the rise. As time passed, my boyfriend became extremely distant. Though it had been a problem before that he rarely put time aside for me, he let his video game addiction overcome him. I had not been contacted by my friends in three months when September rolled around, and I had not reached out to them. In fear of them rejecting me, I blocked them first so I wouldn’t have to go through the same trouble as I did my sophmore year of highschool.

I was now left with my oldest friend, and my boyfriend. It had been stable for a little while, until a message popped on my phone I didn’t realize would appear. I won’t write it out here, though my oldest friend (by about 4 years) had messaged me that he would be comfortable doing something very intimate with me. It made me realize he was grooming me, and I quickly blocked him on every account I had at the time. My boyfriend was angry with himself for noticing that behavior before, and didn’t do anything before I noticed it.

October 2020 came. I broke up with my boyfriend because he wouldn’t get out of his addiction. We promised we’d still be friends, and that we would try to talk regularly. We didn’t talk at all, so I briefly blocked him in December. I reached out to a friend that I had blocked in August, and said I’ve been feeling suicidal since the breakup. He told me that I should have been more considerate of my boyfriend, and that I should stop thinking so selfishly about our relationship. He told me it was selfish for blocking everyone, that I hurt all of those people from my actions, and that I needed to stop blaming other people for my problems. I tried taking it to heart, and said I still was thinking of harming myself. He told me to man up and just go ahead and do it if I was so confident I was (knowing how I’m a coward of death). It triggered a meltdown and I blocked him again.

In January 2021, I was sent a letter by his older sister wanting something of hers back that my boyfriend had given to me. I messaged my ex asking why he didn’t reach out first, and he explained that she wanted it back more than he did, so he didn’t reach out. Also he came out to me saying that he is now a she, that my ex boyfriend was now my ex girlfriend. She said she was very happy I showed her the world of being trans, and coming out had been so easy for her. Now she’s getting constant friend requests on video games, and her friends and family are very accepting. She was wondering if my family dynamic had gotten better since she was out of the picture, and when I told her no she just shrugged it off.

Things still ring in my head from that conversation. She said “I hope you learn from our relationship and bring it on to your next one,” and “I feel socially fulfilled, so much so I don’t feel like I need a relationship anymore.” It made me feel sick. After some time, I now realize that she was trying to live through me rather than view me as a separate person. As trans people tend to do with crushes, we wish we were those “crushes” rather than be in a relationship with them. With her feeling exactly that with me, she trying forcing herself to live through me.

I returned her sisters belongings in their mailbox, and I went home. It was the end of all the relationships and family I had grown and developed. I now have one last friend, though they just so happen to be someone from group therapy and the hospital. Though we try our best to help eachother, my story has not gotten better. My grandfather passed away, and my dad is now taking on the personality of my grandfather. He holds me by the shoulders to kiss me so that I stop moving away, tells me how I should go outside more often so he could see me happy again, and has been hanging out with a lot of straight white men who happen to be Trump supporters. My mother is a hoarder, and is so clinically depressed I have to take care of her whenever I see her. My brother refuses to get help for his ADHD, and still is very agressive when he talks to me.

I want to end and say things get better. Though they haven’t just yet... I hope this really is the end of this uncontrollable string.

#tldr #sorry for the tldr #ptsd #cptsd #cptsd vent #vent #my story #ptsd story #anxiety #mental health #mental ill #mental ill health #cptsdhealing #healing

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rivetgoth · 4 years

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I had this friend I met in the Hetalia fandom in like 8th-9th grade who was like, a lot older than me (I was like 12-13 when we met and she was like 17 or so), and we were REALLY close for a really long time, we'd talk and call every day and it got to a point where she was really dependent on me in this awful way where she would like constantly threaten suicide if I didn't answer her texts fast enough and shit like that. She was really rich cuz her dad was a doctor and one time she bought me an entire fucking Xbox One (I did not ask for it like... I'd always been a PlayStation gamer LOL) because she didn't have anyone to play Halo with her. My family still has it and uses it as a DVD player/Netflix machine.

Anyway the really batshit thing about this person (BESIDES the fact that she was like, definitely a pedophile who loved shota and frequently sexted me after she'd turned 18+ and I was like 14 and she also had both a bestiality and incest fetish that she'd talk to me about constantly — I was a kid I had no moral concept of anything and just liked being edgy and feeling mature) was that she was like. A chronic liar who constantly faked identities. And for years after cutting off contact with her I would look back and realize that she had faked even more than I had noticed at the time. The thing is, I knew for sure she wasn't lying about her home life -- Her address, what she looked like, her dad's profession, her age, her house, her pets, etc, were all things I had proof of. But when I knew her she was constantly remaking her Tumblr to escape drama she'd start, and she would constantly make side blogs under pseudonyms and pretend it wasn't her (sometimes it would be random shit like aesthetic blogs under different names or ask blogs for characters or smthn, other times it was like, callout blogs for people she had gotten into drama with where she would pretend to be someone else defending her). I assumed back then that I was always going to be in on it, because she would always tell me whenever she made one of these fake accounts, and sometimes she would encourage me to make a new account too as a sort of roleplay thing where we both pretended to be people we weren't... Until I learned that she wasn't always telling me. Every so often, I would become mutuals with a new account who would start messaging me about my interests and strike a conversation with me. Then something would slip and my "new mutual" would admit that they had actually been my friend all along... Which should have made me immediately cut contact because that's weird as shit, but I was young and she was a close friend, so I would just sorta accept it.

She ended up being like, horrifically transphobic. She got run off her blog twice for being specifically transmisogynistic, first insisting that she was allowed to headcanon canon trans women as feminine men and then on her next blog insisting that lesbians couldn't be attracted to trans women. I was still young and closeted and she was one of my closest friends and was constantly messaging me that the situation was making her suicidal and she was just wording things wrong and totally supported trans people and people just weren’t giving her the benefit of the doubt and she was still learning so I tried to just stay out of it without losing her. Then... I came out as trans lol. She stopped replying to me when I first came out and then made a bunch of vents on her tumblr about how much it upset her and about how “using he/him pronouns for AFAB people is triggering” for whatever fucking reason. She told me her “best IRL friend” who she had introduced me to once on Skype but who never logged in again after and who refused to ever do a group call or anything (definitely another fake account) said that it was irrational for me to expect my friends to respect my pronouns so soon after coming out and that I shouldn’t be upset if I get misgendered. Then she apologized but told me my name and pronouns would never fit me. As you can imagine, as a little baby trans kid who was closeted from my family and terrified of even having come to terms with being trans, I didn’t really have a great defense.

Soon she started being really woke like 2014 style Tumblr SJW to save face, she came out as nonbinary and told me in private it was because she felt bad when people called her cis during discourse (she absolutely wasn't nonbinary) and she coined a "new sexuality" that was "attraction only to people you perceive as feminine, regardless of how they identify" -- what this actually meant was "attraction to cis women and not trans women." She ran an aroace help blog despite not being aroace? And made a bunch of pride flags that I still see around sometimes to this day. She would start fights a lot and try to out-woke people and got into a bunch of drama with other SJW types of the day, got into a bunch of drama with TumblrInAction and Mogai-Watch and shit like that, and she claimed for a short while that she had a headmate (FWIW I totally believe DID is a legitimate thing but like. Trust me on this one.) who was transphobic and that it made her so sad, she told me that it was actually that headmate that had been transphobic before, and every so often her headmate would front out of nowhere and misgender me and use really abusive language like calling me a cunt or a bitch or whatever. She started making these "intersex nonbinary" OCs who she would constantly make porn of under the guise that they were representation for LGBT people who were just like, extremely fetishistic cuntboys and dickgirls (they were “intersex” to explain why they could be “girls with natal penises” or “boys with natal vaginas”).

At that same time, she somehow always managed to have these random, very sporadically active trans women mutuals who were apparently amazing friends of hers, who shared some interests with her but also would defend her when people brought up her past, with these long-winded “Well, I’m a trans woman and I think what she said is perfectly justified and everyone makes mistakes and she’s always been a good ally!!” Then one day some trans woman received an ask from her account where she claimed to be a “black trans woman” (she was, of course, a white cis woman) and she freaked out and claimed she had “been hacked by TiA or 4Chan to make her look bad” — I realize now she had just been sending anon messages pretending to be things she wasn’t and forgot to hit anon LOL. Late in all of this she also got into a bunch of hot water for being really antisemitic and saying she didn’t trust Jewish people because they were just like Christians and like, 5 seconds later she came out as Jewish and wrote this whole long sad vent about how she had had internalized antisemitism and then started going by a random Hebrew name LMAO.

In the end the final breaking point was when I found her secret TERF blog, where she had been making posts for months about how trans men are just insecure women who are trying to escape misogyny by stepping on the backs of “fellow women” and using me as a fucking example, and also saying that me not coming out as a trans man had been “basically rape” since she had been SEXTING me when she was 18+ and I was 13-14+ and that it was traumatic to know someone she had trusted was secretly identifying as a man LMAO. She was also obviously saying all sorts of transmisogynistic things, but also had these really bizarre fetish posts about wanting trans women to fuck her...? I confronted her about it and she literally fucking out of nowhere told me that she was in the emergency room with a mysterious illness that might kill her and she was allowed to have her phone but due to privacy laws couldn’t send a picture as proof. While “in the hospital” she deleted the TERF blog and her personal blog. I had known her for literal YEARS at this point (we had met when I was 12-13 or so and by the time we no longer spoke I was a few months from 17), and I was completely stunned to fucking hear this person trying to pull “I’m in the hospital with a deadly disease” at being confronted for some shit like that LMAO. I made a post about it on my public and another “trans woman friend” of hers logged in to vehemently defend her by saying that there’s nothing wrong with AFAB women being untrusting of trans people because female oppression is uniquely traumatic and that there’s nothing wrong with women expressing their sexuality by sexting minors as long as the minor consents and that I was the real predator for “hiding that I was a man” (remember, I’d been a 13 year old closeted trans boy), before never logging in again... 😭 One of the last times we ever talked was when she demanded I refund her for the fucking Xbox and I refused.

Anyway, the long-term aftermath of that is that a few people online (in some random cringe areas of the internet) who archived some of her antics still think that I also wasn’t a real person, since they caught onto how much she lied about too, so they think I was also a sock puppet and I have no interest in clarifying and making myself known to those people LOL. I have no fucking idea where she is now, she deactivated everything after her being a TERF came out. There’s like, so much more to that I could say because I knew her for YEARS and, like I said, she was one of my “closest friends.” Her parents had wildly expensive pure bred designer dogs that she would make Vines of. She wrote Beatles real person fan fiction. For her birthday one year I made her a shirt on Zazzle with an inside joke about one of her OCs... does she still have that? Either way, she was easily the most batshit person I’ve ever known closely online and I will forever associate the Hetalia fandom with people like that.

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