#Public Journal

[fluffywuffle]

i've been trying to say "sorry" less but I Saw The TV Glow was like a fucking kick in the chest. i don't think i'll apologize about anything ever again, actually. i think that that standing up for myself, even going so far as to be confident about all that i do -- even when i'm wrong -- might be necessary to my survival, actually.

[i-am-the-egg-to-rule-all-eggs]

I wish people would stop listening to my problems as a courtesy. I wish they would actually tell me if they don't want to hear my issues, or actually give a shit for some other purpose than "I can fix her" and then just try to mould me into a person I don't want to be. Your version of "fixed" is not ME.

I want to feel better, and I'm tired of putting myself into different uncomfortable places because somebody thought it'd help. Work with me or leave me the fuck alone and let me figure out how I work.

For instance, I have to do all of my cleaning stuff right as I get home, or else I'll lose track of time and it'll suddenly be night and too late (or I'll be constantly stressing watching the clock and not resting) and my roomate who runs the house will be like "Oh, take a minute and rest! You have to learn to rest!" Like motherfucker no. If i rest now it won't get done!

Also he keeps telling me I NEED to change out of my work clothes when I'm home, and if I do that, again, I won't do what I need to do.

He keeps also keeps letting me traumadump then trying to fix everything, and nothing he says actually works, and it stresses me out because he's like an established adult, and if it worked for him, that's how it's supposed to work! And it either is fucking uncomfortable all of the time or straight up doesn't work.

I need to live alone. I need to figure out what works for myself instead of letting people tell me what will work for my life.

[xthotslayer]

Hiii everyone.sorry if I haven't been posting a lot, been kind of occupied, anyway, today was a nice day since I was able to do some chores without slacking and on top of that was able to play and watch anime.

Recently I've been watching an anime called dating Yamada-kun at level 999 and I'm almost done, I love it so much, it's been real good.

That's all for today byeeeee👋👋😁😁😁

[howtobeasavage]

I have no photoshop or editing skills nor want to develop those myself.

if we're related by family. i will instantly block you on all possible sites, domains, space and time. (online)

i don't use hashtags for any specific category instead it's for full or run on sentences.

I'm not obsessed with Disney.

I don't like Microsoft Office Products. #666

57,706 notes

Love the word "also". I have more things to say

[vipersden]

April 19th, 2025

Fronter: 🌌

Angels, demons, and the humanity of love that I can’t have

It's almost 4 a.m. Tomorrow I'm supposed to be going out on a day with my friend. I'm just going to refer to her as my friend for most of this though. I'm questioning a lot. I can't tell if this is a date or not. That sounds a little stupid. I don't know. I don't know why I'm so worried. I'm so incredibly paranoid.

Let's break it down a bit. I've known Her since July of last year. We met during Art Fight. We never really talked. I just made art for Her and moved on. Art Fight is a huge online event for artists where we all post our OCs on the site, and then in order to attack opposing teams, we draw their characters. It's a bit honor-based. The team with the most points at the end of the month wins. It's really fun and a bunch of artists participate every year. It seems like there's more artists as the years progress. It's been going on for who knows how long now. I've participated in Art Fight for a couple years. I think maybe four years now.

We didn't talk, and then we reconnected in October because we realized that we actually were both at the same concert. We just didn't see each other. After I was with my partner, I didn't really talk to Her for a while while I was trying to figure out everything, figure out my feelings, figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I've been talking to Her pretty much non-stop since early to mid-February, I think. I've been doing really good. So today is the first day we're going to actually see each other in person. The plan is to meet each other, walk around for a bit, go to the movies, and then keep walking around after and talking and doing stuff, just in that general vicinity. And then we go home.

And I don't know, it feels like a date. Being with her feels like a date. I like Her, I won't deny it. She makes me feel safe, but I'm worried that anyone would make me feel safe after what I've been through. And I feel like I'm reverting a bit. What I mean is, since I was in middle school, I'd say, maybe elementary, I have seen the world through a very specific lens that makes sense to me. There are three categories of people. Demons, angels, and humans. Humans being the rarest. I am a fallen angel, but at this point in my life, there's no hope going back to being an angel. So I come off as more as a demon, but not quite.

Angels are scary, but they're perfect. They're untouchable, they can do no wrong in the eyes of everyone. Demons are generally hated. They're imperfect, they have interesting views, they can be very interesting at times, but they're fun. They're easy to be around, even if they can be a little bit draining. And humans are just people. When I was younger, I had a poem that I made for myself. It wasn't exactly a full poem, that I made for myself. It wasn't exactly a full poem, but just two lines. Every angel has their demon, but not every demon can find their angel. There are many angels in this world, and they can find love so easily. They can so quickly find their other half. But a demon, why would an angel really love a demon? If an angel wants a demon, they can find one just like that. But if a demon dares to fall in love with an angel, it will be the most grueling and painful experience for them. But a demon can't fall in love with a demon. Only angels can fall in love with angels.

And I don't know what I am. And right now, she seems like another angel, and I want to be as perfect as I can be for Her. And I'm scared of that. I want her to show me that I'm wrong. To show me She's human. Because the one good, perfect thing, ironically, is someone who's imperfect. Someone who's imperfect, but in a way that's not harmful, I guess. In a way that just makes them alive. I want to give Her the world, and all I ask for Her in return is what She’s doing. Being here for me. Listening when I need. That's it. I won't abuse the power. I won't abuse Her kindness. I'll give Her everything. I'll take Her where I know I'm supposed to be going. I'll take Her with me. Just as long as She stays. Just as long as She's willing to listen.

But She doesn't know a lot of things about me, and I'm scared when She knows She'll leave. I'm not a perfect person. That's why I fell from grace a long time ago. I used to be an angel. A guardian angel. And I was younger, and I was sent here to protect people.

And now I can't even do that anymore. All I can do is live amongst everyone and hope for the best. Maybe it's strange and odd, but it's how I'll always see life.

I'm scared of hurting Her. I don't want to hurt Her.

[manafestzu]

I suppose the hardest thing to do in this situation is to start. The shadows they wrap me in a mildly uncomfortable heat. Not that I would have the energy right now to actually do what which lies within me that still fear such things. Though of course I would be foolish to neglect to mention that maybe it is the alcohol that is seeking its revenge onto me.

BUT those nuisances aside I suppose as this is my frist entry here I should probably introduce myself. Here I would like to be referred to Retto, not a name I necessarily feel any bond towards in any regards. Online or otherwise so why Retto? WELL, truthfully I am unsure but it will work well enough won't it? Then again who knows.

I am tired now so maybe tomorrow I will actually write more about myself out side of my name and maybe explain what this even is. I apologize to introduce "filler" into my own journal so soon but now I must fall to sleep

[pondererswandererswonders]

The AZE Journal is looking for submissions on their new issue centered around gender expectations! The journal is accepting of writings and artwork by asexual*, aromantic*, and agender* creatives (with none of these identities needing to overlap) who are currently exploring the subject of gender expectations related to their identities.

A further look into what can be submitted, what format they're to be submitted in, and where to submit your piece(s) is on the submission page. Submissions can be in other languages other than English.

Deadline: December 15th, 2024

Here are some copy and pasted follow up questions from the submission page to help those that are interested to get started:

• What are the sexual expectations placed on your gender in society? How does this relate to your personal journey of being asexual*?

• What are the romantic expectations placed on your gender in society? How does this relate to your personal journey of being aromantic*?

• What are the gender expectations placed upon you (i.e., the gender binary and masculinity/femininity)? How does this relate to your personal journey of being agender*?

Good luck to anyone who submits their work, and I hope you enjoy looking into the journal as much as I did.

The AZE Journal, an independent online journal formerly called The Asexual, was founded in October of 2016 and is a space for ace, aro, and agender people to express themselves through art and introspective pieces that are related or unrelated to certain topics, which would then be published onto the journal. The editor, Michael Paramo, is Xicanx, aroace, and agender, and they are a researcher, writer, and artist who has published a book (and other works) called, "Ending the Pursuit: Asexuality, Aromanticism, and Agender Identity." The journal has been referred to as a resource for ace, aro, and agender experiences for queer studies and the queer community, by the following: AVEN, Aces & Aros, references page in Loveless by Alice Oseman, Sounds Fake But Okay, The Trans Language Primer, UC Santa Barbara Resource Center for Sexual & Gender Diversity (RCSGD), University of Milwaukee LGBTQ+ Resource Center, and the University of North Texas Library: LGBTQ Studies.

RE: No identities need to overlap. I specifically placed aro-coded banners and dividers in this post because I am aromantic.

Banners and dividers by @aroworlds

[fluffywuffle]

oh 1.395 pounds of salmon belly for just over $4, we're really in this now

[public-sad-journal]

3:23

3-29-2024

I’m going on a class trip pretty soon, and I just can’t stop thinking about it. While, yes, I am excited for it, I can’t help but feel nervous about the whole thing.

The trip in whole was $800, but Dad paid for most of it. Him and I haven’t really told anyone about it, partly because he hasn’t had the time, and the other part is that I don’t want my family to find out about it. Mainly Sister and Mom. I think this’ll be the first vacation that I go on alone, and I hope that it’s not filled with, “How’s the trip going?!?!?” Texts from Mom.

I don’t know why, but texts like those either makes my blood run cold, or makes it boil hot. I hate hate HATE getting texts like those. She always sounds way to excited to talk to me, which sounds like an asshole thing for me to say, but she’s put me through a lot, so I think that I have a right to feel upset every once in a while.

I just wish she would have a different tone of voice every once and while, which she technically did do. I asked to borrow her sewing machine, and she didn’t even text me back until 2 days later to ask if I had finished the pants.

I also found out that the last time I tried to “end it all”, she was going to send me to a reunification camp without telling me. About a week or 2 after I lived in with Dadden, Mom took me to the doctors for what I thought would just be another checkup. After I heard it was a physical, I thought (as a 13-year-old about to enter high school) that it was part of the high school sign up procedure that I didn’t know about. They ended up denying it because of how high my blood pressure was.

Later that day, as Dad and I were walking to the store to stock up on food for me, so that we would end the living in Saggettios and chips the whole time I lived with him. He asked me how the physical went, and I asked him what he meant. He then revealed that the physical was for a “wilderness, mental health camp for troubled teens”. In that moment, I, for the very first time, realized that Mom was lying to me, and actually wanted me to be away from her.

Shockingly, I never cried about it back then, but in moments like this, I cry with sympathy for younger me, who shouldn’t have gone through all of that.

Bringing this back to the trip, I have this vision of either Mom picking me up form the trip, or something happens to me on the trip, and shes the one who picks me up then. Either way, I’d cry, scream, and kick like a child until she goes away.

I haven’t blacked her yet because Dad says he’ll cut off my phone plan if I do. It’s pretty good motivation.

[nothingburger420]

*-.+ classes begin +.-*

jan 30th, 2024 +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

worst case scenario: people don't like you, you embarrass yourself. that is okay ❤️ in the grand scheme, these miniscule instances won't matter. i'm here to learn and be myself while i do. if people don't like that- then that's okay. i do not owe likeability. I can be Polarizing- that is NOT an inherently negative quality. it is late in the evening. far too early in the morning. i've taken my meds, had a snack- now it is time to rest. i love you, sid. keep up the stellar work ❤️ sleep well 💤

[finchesout]

public journals

Been debating for a while what to do with my tumblr besides stalking fanartists and lurking in the reblogs and I believe I've finally settled on an answer.

The concept of starting a blog or a public journal has been pecking at my mind for a while. I guess sometimes I struggle to write without the knowledge that one day, somebody might see it. I am nothing if not an oversharer, and I want to share some things in my life -- my writing and those sorts of updates, for example.

I highly doubt people will see this, and, in a way, that's somewhat of a comforting thought. I know that contradicts what I just mentioned above, but I think the difference is that I feel comforted by the fact that I do not have a million eyes on me, but it IS going out into the world.

I'm unsure of what's to come on here, but I am intrigued to see what I do with this.

For now, some projects I'm working on/some life updates:

Corpse Doctor:

My endless love project. As of now, it's probably my largest writing project by word count (and also possibly emotional investment). It's been a long time since I've put my pen to paper, and I do sincerely miss it. I think talking about that might be a post in it's own right, but for now, I think Corpse Doctor will be a very lovely place to begin again. Something about that project just feels oh so right.

roman saints (filler title):

A new project I've begun, this one a stageplay. Stageplay's scare the shit outta me. I've always found them to be my most daunting and weakest writing form but, as a theatre kid, some stories just feel made for the stage. It's not in a place where I would like to discuss it much but it has some ideas I'm excited about. There is going to be kind sentient robots, alcoholic scientists, weird monologues, death, lost of interesting light possibilities and some more weird shit.

life updates:

I've decided that I can no longer rot in my weird depressive burnout and use work as an excuse. That's not to say that work does not burn people out an insane amount (it most certainly does) or that this mindset is productive for everyone, but I just need to pull myself out of this hole. So I've decided to make myself feel good about being productive. I've been rehauling my Notion, I reorganized my bookshelf, I went climbing for the first time (!!!). When I look at it all, it doesn't look like much, but it feels like a start, which is what matters.

Until next time

-A

[idontmindifuforgetme]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

[vipersden]

I’ll shelter you from the rain…

So dry yourself off already…!

[wolvier1ne]

My toxic trait is if I feel like I like you way more than you like me I’ll slowly drift away and if I think you like me more than I like you o do the same thing.The imbalance bothers me,it feels like one of us has power over the other and that’s scary.I don’t want anyone to have that power over me if I don’t have it over them and I don’t feel comfortable having that kind of power over someone who I know doesn’t have power over me.

Which is even worse when you realize I either love you or I don’t.I’m either 100% or I’m neutral.If you’re really special I hate you but that’s a short list.

[marizz-daily-stuffz]

Today is cold, But it means i can finally layer clothes!! anyways hii im mari and welcome to my daily diary. Today is gonna be a productive day! like i believe so, i woke up at 8 am and did some yoga which felt great. Im trying to be a bit better at following a routine because being on a routine is better than not being on one. Anyways, today im applying to a culinary school 4 hours away, because im planning to move out in December (very soon right?) I know im a little scared but its life and in times like these i just have to remind myself that life goes on fast and i can't be scared, because if im scared then i wont do it, and ill have regrets. Anyways ill update soon

w luv mariiizz ~\(≧▽≦)/~

also my most repeated song of the day is i want you by mitski!!

[mintysummerblog]

Weekly Update #4 (Public Journal)

Happy (not really) Monday! Well, I hope your Monday is happy, I just mean mine isn’t. I did not write my post on Sunday like I usually do because I was exhausted and I still am. So I am sitting here trying to write it out before noon. (Spoiler: I did not get it done by then) If I could describe my past week in one word, it would be TIRING. I grossly underestimated how tired the back-to-school…