#SOMEONE WRITE ME SOME SERATONIN PLEASE

[pacakehatfiasco]

Prompt: Tony Stark (Iron Man/Avengers movies) makes a sentient toaster. Said sentient toaster meets various Transformers (Transformers cartoon/movie series).

Optional: the "Are you my mother? game, Soundwave thinking the toaster is one of his cassettes, Starscream (the once politician, now second in command, still super ambitious) and Loki have a heart to heart, Tony Stark explaining to a confused Optimus that he's neither a Transformer nor a Decepticon, Tony Stark: Transformers mechanic, Tony Stark: Creator of baby Allspark, Tony Stark: machine dad/mom, Bumblebee and Dummy and Co. becoming besties, the Hulk challenges the Transformers to armwrestling, Bruce is like "wtf is my life but this is very interesting science stuff", the sentient toaster gets a roomba sibling and they go on Stark Tower Excursions, the roomba mysteriously keeps finding clint while he is in the ductwork and follows him, the toaster and roomba getting named by Tony/Peter/Harley/Clint, Harley and Peter nerd out over all of it, Aunt May is not amused but secretly is and deadpans it.

[bokettochild]

what are your favourite headcanons for all the boys? (also hi mama lava we havent spoken in a while oopsie hah,,hope ur doing well <3)

I'm doing quite well, m'dear! Mnetally at least LOL

The body hates fall and the changes in the air, but the rain makes me happy and the leaves are going CRONCH so I can still smile! Also, it is now cider and cocoa wheather! (I really need to finish that darn Ravio scarf now LOL)

Okay! Headcannons!

Time: He has no clue what's happening ever. Time is hard for me to relate to or even work with, so I don't tend to mess around as much with headcannons for him, but I love the idea that he is masquerading as an adult all the time and genuinely is confused by almost everything. As someone who was left in charge of see stinkers with no clue on how to handle them, it makes him relatable and easier to write that way :)

Warriors: His dark form is a dragon. Even prior to TotK I liked the idea that certain people could/would become dragons, and considering there are some who ship him and his Zelda and they come before Flora, that would mean it runs in the family LOL. It also really suits him for REASONS and I like playing with it

Sky: His eyes flash silver when he's angry, and lightning will crash even on a sunny day when you piss him off. He killed a god, let this man be an unhinged BAMF eldrich hero!

Hyrule: Navi is his mother. I like the idea of him growing up hearing stories of the Hero of Time. i like the idea of him setting out on his adventure not just because Impa asked him too, but because that pig sounds a lot like the sucker who killed his big brother and their family doesn't go down unavenged! He totally had a few words for Ganon in that last fight, and even if it was the last thing the king of evil thought, he knew he was killed on behalf of a hero, not just by one.

Twilight: He's a white girl. It's really a personal gag for me, but he likes horses and stupid romance stories and ridiculously sweet drinks and he can't hold his whiskey for the life of him. Okay, like, he can, but why would he drink whiskey when he can have something strawberry flavoured? He just... he's a big rancher and scary wolf, but he will willingly wear pink and be a barbie is what I'm saying. And yes he'd enjoy it! (although he'd prefer pants please, he's still a man Barbie, okay? Not a Ken, a man Barbie)

(I have others for Twi, but this one makes me happy to ridiculous levels and gives the seratonin <3)

Wind: He's Warriors' grandfather. I know it;s less about him and more about Warriors, but the idea of him shaping and guiding the next hero, preserving that hero's childhood and protecting it as long as he can, makes me happy. there were totally calls to adventure long before Cia, but Wind said "heck no, he's underage, ain't happening" and either stopped that shit or dealt with it himself. He made sure to teach Warriors everything he wishes he'd known, or heard the others say they wished they'd known when starting: starting a fire, wayfaring, tracking, hunting, fishing, map making, how to make gear and supplies last, where to find valuable things, all that sort of stuff. he didn't know what sort of trouble the hero after him would face, so he made sure to provide help and leave supplies in every way he could think of (some of which, incidentally, lasted all the way to wild's time to help him).

Wild: He's Other. He's not quite right and he's more than just slightly screwed up, but not in the pretty, Fae like way it's often pictured. Wild is Other like a twisted and mangled tree that scrapes across your window in the night, keeping you awake but keeping the monsters cowering under your bed in fear. He's other like a too wide smile, like a sigh of relief when he feels Death's touch lingering on Legend. He's Not Quite Right in a way you have to know him to see, but you can't ever stop seeing after. (It's okay. Flora is too and she feels safer being with someone who's the same)

Legend: Personal hc I never get to share! Legend is the personification of Balance! He straddles light and dark both as a rabbit and in his fifth adventure. He's kind of died twice (OoS manga & a personal theory about Koholint) yet he's still alive. He kills in order to preserve life and lives in order to kill that which threatens it. He represents the balance in Hyrule and preserves it, hence why he tends to fill any needed role (watching the backs of the heroes throughout LU, taking the lead in Sunset, acting as a middleground/middle sibling in Sunrise) in order to prevent things tipping out of balance. legend is the middle ground between extremes, and a walking contradiction.

Four: I will do the colours as well, but I adore them being remembered, even though Four thinks he won't be. he comments in the comic that he's glad to at least have done well enough that no one needs to worry about his enemies, hence why they don't talk about him anymore, but I like the idea that Malon taught Time to read by reading him parts or stories about Four, but he got to impatient to wait to find out the ending, so he forced himself to figure it out as fast as possible to get there even if she wans't there to tell him. I like Legend hearing stories of him and growing up admiring him, of spending his first few adventures trying to be like him because that's what heroes who win are like. I love Four being remembered and adored. He deserves it! (And if he maybe got sealed away long enough to come back and meet some future heroes, well, I love that too!)

Red: Is actually the most dangerous of the colours when he's mad. He will wreck your shit, he will burn you alive. Do not try him.

Blue: He's fond of patterns and artwork, and knitting helps keep him calm. He's the crafter of the colors, and the only one if you disregard smithing. Also, he's the mom friend.

Green: He likes drawing. I don't know why, he just does. Also, outdoorsy boy. He hates shoes, hates floors, and will sit in the grass drawing trees and chatting with minish for hours if nothing stops him.

Vio: Loves cats. Despite Four as a whole having a fear of cats, and the other colors also sharing that fear, Vio's sense of self preservation sort of flew out the window with the trust the others had in him when he joined Shadow. Vio can look at any animal that should reasonably be able to kill them and actually will try and determine if he can just... touch it. he doesn't want to even be friends, he just wants to see if, since a dragon will let him, will this giant wildcat also? He adores Wolfie more than even Red. The others think there is something wrong with him that he likes terrifying creatures so much.

[lheslie]

Hello, I am one of your readers. First I want to apologize because my English is not good. I just want to say, I enjoy reading ur fanfic about Taehoon. It makes me happy and helps me through my hard times. I am also very amazed by you, how can u write that much fanfic???? like u so amazing girl. Thank you for ur hard work and ur fanfic, trust me it means a lot to me. Please stay healthy and don’t force yourself too much. And thank you for ur update and thank u for writing fanfic about Taehoon. Your writing really makes my day and make life worth to live even for awhile 

Thank you for liking my fics!!!

I never thought someone would appreciate it THAT much. But I am so happy that someone does. (╥﹏╥)

To be honest I just made Taehoon fics to feed myself because I finished all Taehoon fics that I could find in tumblr.

Don't worry I try to balance my schedule as much as I can. I just update because I'm running out of Taehoon seratonin because of slow updates and Taehoon less chapters PTJ is giving us.

And my fics are just basically my daydreams or mostly dreams about Taehoon. Just written in text.

I wish I could draw them or explain them detailed. But I'm not good at that. But I'm still writing more as soon as PTJ gives me my Taehoon seratonins.

BUT Taehoon did appear in Manager Kim. So I might make Taehoon fics connected to Manager Kim- MIGHT tho- I'm not so sure. I'm currently on a Minji train simping for her and on a different fandom.

I'm just trying to squeeze my Taehoon seratonin dry.

If I get more food from the Story or from fics I see I promise I would try and come up with Ideas and update!!!

Just pray for some adrenaline rush-

Please stay tuned. ( ˘ ³˘)♥( ˘ ³˘)♥

Love ya (๑・ω-)～♥”

[xjoonchildx]

Could you please do a rating of the sweetest to flirtiest smiles in Bangtan?

okay miss @hauntedlilies and miss @sumzysworld, i'm gonna combine these two asks because you really can't talk about someone's smile without talking about their teeth.

SO: 😁😁😁

SWEETEST

jung hoseok

i mean, you knew this was coming, right? remember those glasses they passed out before the eclipse in 2019? we should all be wearing those when we look directly into hoseok's smile. this is 100% uncut, double-potency, military-grade seratonin. and if you've been following me for a while, you know that i'm weak for hoseok's perfectly-straight teeth. he's the only member of bangtan copped wearing braces back in the day, so that makes sense. the pain paid off, mr. jung.  now you have the perfect smile.

kim namjoon

honestly, since muster i truly don't know what to make of namjoon any more.  the same mean-mugging, muscle-shirt wearing gym rat who showed up to SOWOOZOO with two unregistered weapons is the same man with this brilliant, sweet smile.  joon's smiles always feel open and honest, particularly when he's caught off guard by something funny.  by technicality he probably wins best teeth in bangtan because these are the kind of teeth people show dentists when they're trying to get veneers. perfectly symmetrical and so pretty to look at.

min yoongi

yoongi has the most fun smile in bangtan. it's unique -- sometimes it's a little snarky, sometimes it's a little shy. i kind of love that it's not perfectly straight, because it looks real and not like some hollywood dentistry nonsense.  of course, when anyone describes his smile the word "gummy" comes up and that's hella accurate but also part of what makes his smile so different. also i live for the moments when it goes from smile to smirk and y'all know what i'm talking about.

jeon jungkook

i can't figure out if jungkook is a liar or if he is an all-capital letters L I A R because the same man in this photo is the same one who turned up for MOTS:ONE and SOWOOZOO. so he lands right in the middle of the list because he can turn it on or he can turn it off. most of the time, he's wearing this sweet, shy smile with the scrunched nose and the bunny teeth we all love so much.  my dear sweet tooth anon explained a lot about the shape of his teeth -- how they angle out just a bit and it gives him this cute, boyish appearance. just don't get fooled baby, this is a man man.

kim seokjin

you can't be the world's most handsome man without an amazing smile. good thing for seokjin, he can check off that box. he has model-perfect teeth, just the right size, super straight. and as much as he likes to be a ham for the cameras, he loves to turn on the sex appeal, too. yes, i'm talking to you dimple seokjin. i saw you.

kim taehyung

tae would take top honors at the tyra banks school of smizing. this man -- THIS MAN -- knows exactly what he's doing with his face. he's trolling us all every damned time he's pretending he doesn't. the shape of his mouth is so unique, too -- the boxiness that all of us are always writing and reading about is so endearing. or it would be, if he didn't use all his powers for evil. his teeth are super straight which fits the boxy shape of his mouth very well.

park jimin

park jimin is a flirt. watch this man work a camera or a crowd for five seconds and you'll understand why every man, woman, child and houseplant in the general vicinity ends up powerless against him. the best part of his mega-watt smile is that adorable little snaggletooth in the front that in no way takes away from this man's perfection.

FLIRTIEST

[gimmemorespirk]

A little gentle PSA for today:

This is what the engagement on the drabble I posted this morning currently looks like:

So far 77 people read my 200 words, and they were like, nah dude, no kudos for you.

And even if those readers didn't actively think that, it's what it feels like. And as the numbers grow and continue to get more disparate, that feeling grows too.

Pressing a virtual button, when we press thousands of little virtual buttons a day, seems like a very low transactional cost for the gains it gives.

And look, it's 200 words, not a 300k epic. But, it wasn't meant to be and readers shouldn't have expected it to be. It's a structured, limited format for reasons.

But regardless. I feel like kudos has become this epic thing to give to writers, but it was never meant that way. It was meant as a pat on the back, a smile, a thumbs up, a "you go writer, wording accomplished!"

The kudos button is a little bit of love. I mean, there's a reason it's a HEART. It's a small little boost of seratonin and dopemine that keeps the words coming.

And not to sound dramatic, but how things fail to thrive, how they die? It's from lack of love and nurturing.

Kudos (and comments) are symbols of love and nurturing to your writers.

Please love them more.

ETA: Am I a bit discouraged? Sure. Will it stop me from writing? Probably not. But it might for someone else. And then we all lose. Because those stories, that creativity, ceases to exist. So please, spread some more love. We all need it these days.

[reidneedsahug]

The Team’s Reactions To You Getting Landed in The Hospital

Hotch, Rossi, Morgan, Garcia, Emily, Reid

Penelope Garcia

WHO THE FUCK DID IT, BABY, THEY WILL BE DEAD BEFORE DAWN

Okay, not really, but just you wait, she will hack her way into whoever’s pc she needs to to exact vengeance.

Movies. Lots of movies.

You might be stuck in this stuffy, seratonin killing room, but do not fret, Y/N, you shall be entertained.

Gifts and visits every single day. (Your favorite so far is the fluff pen that writes in ten different colors and doubles as a highlighter and flashlight.)

Oh, she will find a way to get your favorite snacks into that room. She will.

She’s dusting your desk every single day while you’re gone, making sure all your emails and such are in an easy, assorted manor.

She’s really not going home until you’re comfy, and feeds you the latest gossip every damn day.

Aaron Hotchner

No, you are not laying a finger on any files or case work until you’re cleared.

Yes, you are to stick to the strict diet that your doctor prescribed you.

And NO… oh what are we kidding here, all you’d really have to do is plead just the right way and you’d get whatever you’d want

He really wants to double down but damn it, Y/N, you beg just the right way

After work cuddles every day he can make it, and he never misses a call (though it’s mostly him calling you, what can he say, he’s worried and you’re so so fragile)

He knows you get terribly bored with no mental stimulation for days at a time so he’ll let you do a limited amount of research for them here and there.

The whole incident that landed you in the hospital has definitely imprinted into your head, replaying again and again. He helps coax you gently into distracting yourself with little games and smiles and giggles while you let everything slip from your mind.

Derek Morgan

You might have a scar or two, maybe a few stitches and welts. All of em are getting kisses, mamas.

He. Is taking. Care of you.

Coffee? Bam, got you. Cold? 18 more blankets. Here, let me fluf these pillows- You been eating good?

You are not getting physical therapy, no matter how much it’s recommended, so Morgan is the one to get you walking around again, nice and easy, his hands on you at all times.

He likes taking you outside, and even though you complain about the cold 87 times a day, you’re grateful for the air, the sun light.

He sits you down on this nice little bench by the grass, warm hot chocolate in hand.

Yeah, the praises he gives you might be sappy, but you’re listening to every single one. You’re gonna be okay, because you’re strong and so so brave. And still so pretty *waggles eyebrows*

Goddamnit, Y/N, if you don’t start getting some rest he’ll have to start snuggling you to sleep. Don’t test him, he will.

Spencer Reid

Y/N, PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE OKAY

Oh, thank Newton, you’re alright. What meds are you on? What? That barely does anything! No no, don’t listen to those pushy nurses. 1/3 people suffer a medical mishap within their life time and God help us, you will not be one of them.

Spencer has a thing with touches. He doesn’t shake hands, doesn’t like the awkward firmidity of it. But you? All the hugs a skinny profiler genius can offer are coming your way.

He wants to hear everything about your day, everything. He’s sure you’re tired of hearing all the fun everyone else is having, and he wants to make you feel important.

He definitely gets a tad bit jealous when all the good looking nurses start hitting on you. What can he say, he’s a little insecure…

He’s been doing your desk work for you while you’ve been away. Hotch may or may not know about this, but he always has extra time after he finishes his work so he thought he’d relieve you of some pain. Okay, a lot of pain. About 70 files so far. He’s not sorry.

Emily Prentiss

WHO DID IT, POINT EM OUT, TWO TAPS TO THE HEAD AND THEY’LL BE GONE.

Oh, you bet she’s sneaking Sergei into that hospital room. Animal therapy is pretty effective, after all.

Don’t worry about your pets, she’s got em.

Your plants? Watered.

Scared of someone breaking into the apartment? She’s already tackled security.

Don’t worry your little head about a thing, honey, Emily Super Spy Prentiss has got your back on everything and more. Your gas tank’s full, btw.

David Rossi

You assure him you can pay your own medical bill, but he is not having it.

All of your expenses are paid for, including medications, resuscitation fees (you flatlined once fresh out the ambulance, not fun), and everything else.

He’s also buying you a vacation. Yes, yes, Y/N, we know you’re the FBI’s hardest damn worker, but a week in Florence is not going to kill you.

Fuck that stale ass hospital food, you’re not laying your mits on another plastic tray.

You don’t think you’ve ever eaten so much home made pasta in your life time, but you’re sure not complaining. Man can cook. Even his Tupperware’s fancy.

You’re getting Get-Well-Soon presents left and right. Two bottles of wine, more chocolates then you can count, and even cold hard cash. What’s next, a car?

[bnhavibes]

sorry. Todoroki x Reader ANGST(trigger warnings apply)

TW: mentions of depressive episodes, suicidal ideation, self harm, and an attempt.

a/n: PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE PUSHED OVER A LIMIT OF COMFORTABILITY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I LOVE YOU AND I AM HERE IF YOU NEED TO TALK.

“SOMEONE, PLEASE!! CALL AN AMBULANCE, THE FIREMEN OR POLICE” A shriek in the doemitory common room made Todoroki’s head snap up from the book he was studying.

Another typical day had passed, where Shoto had missed classes while he was healing from his injuries at the Hosu City incident. He huffed as he stood up, thinking it was a prank another student was pulling on the rest of them.

“You extras know we’re heroes in training, right?” Bakugou laughed, but stopped when he saw the student frantically grabbing the pay phone and quickly dialing.

“HELLO!? YES, THERES A STUDENT ON THE EDGE OF A WINDOW OF THE UA DORMITORIES!! I—I THINK SHES GOING TO JUMP—” The words ignited a click in Todoroki’s head. Immediately he started running to the staircase, ignoring the calls of the Dekusquad to wait for them.

“Who’s the student on the roof? Why hasn’t anybody gone up there!?” He could hear Tenya ask. But Shoto was already three flights up before he could hear the answer.

“It’s Y/N.”

————————————————————

Depression is a funny thing.

One day you’re aceing all the practice exams and cramming in four hour long study sessions, the next you’re.... on the floor of the girls lockerroom. Letting the blood that was oozing out of your tender thighs dilute in the hot shower. Your throat dry and scratchy from the stifled cries and heaving sobs now causing extreme discomfort. On days like today, nothing could go right.

You missed your morning alarm, and the three missed calls from Deku. He even texted Shoto that you weren’t in class, resulting in a visit from the injured boy. He was very concerned, but he kept saying he didn’t want to pester you if you were busy. And you couldn’t help but think you must have done something to him, hurt him in some way to make him feel like he was a pest.

‘You’re such a piece of shit friend. You can’t even tell your crush that he didn’t do this, YOU did’ You thought to yourself, edging the tears that were barely wobbling over the crevice of your eyelids. You let another ribbon of pain glide over your scarred, hidden skin, this time going over your ribcage.

It didn’t help that your quirk was Cell Manipulation. You would have been the perfect surgeon.

“If you weren’t such a fucking idiot.” You whispered to yourself, ripping another slice into your ribcage. After the water ran clear, you shut it off; Your mind was a fuzzy collision of seratonin fighting to break the barrier cells, and the depression fighting off your meds. You sniffled, wrapping your towel around your body and heading to your room. Fortunately for you, being on the fifth floor meant you got a whole floor of showers just for you today. There were only two other girls on this floor, Yaoyarozu and Asui, and they were in class. So were the boys, so you could be alone in the truest sense. The entire building was empty, save for Todoroki. He was probably in the lounge, you assumed so because his door was shut and there was no lights on when you passed by on your way to your own. The weight on your shoulders began to increase your symptoms, your feet getting heavier and heavier with each step.

As you entered your room you didn’t bother to turn the lights on; Your impending gloom liked to sulk in the darkness, letting it envelop you in a wicked, yet soft embrace. You let the towel fall off your body and tossed your bathing items on the ground, not caring how they made a mess. ‘Maybe some music will make me feel better.’ You think before chuckling a bit as the most depressing playlist you have started playing rather loudly through your speakers. You didn’t care though, you liked your kusic loud, and besides, there was two whole hours until training was over. Reluctantly, you slipped into a pair of boyshorts and your favorite camisole. It was teal, your favorite boy’s right eye color, and it helped you ease out of a full on panic attack for all but a moment when you realized you had forgotten there was a 300 point practice exam you had to turn in today as you tore through your backpack for your writing journal.

It was the last straw.

Frantically, you tore apart anything you could find. Notes, drawings, your pathetic drawings of your classmates, nothing was safe from the hyperventilating girl growling at her own procrastination. Once you saw your journal, you stopped, only to read the first page and begin to rip them all out. Tears streamed down your face as confessions to Shoto had begun to fill the pages. A few hit the pages, making you angrier. You kick and scream at your journal, throwing it as hard as you could at the back wall. But, with your luck, it smashed through the windowsill, glass shattering all over your carpeted floor.

“UUUUUUUUGRRRRRR!!! WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING I TOUCH!?” You scream out the window, at no one but yourself. You kick the rest of the glass off the frame, and tear the screen off before chucking it to the ground below. Your eyes fail to see the group of students arriving over the horizon on your left, focused on the space between you and the dirt the screen landed upon. Your heartbeat was loud, your ears ringing as you focused your attention on the edge of the windowsill, grabbing on the frame and slowly lifting a foot up on it. You were trembling, you could hear it in your breath, the music behind you setting you off.

Take me to the roof top.

I wanna see, the world when I stop...

breathing..... turning blue.

The saddening lyrics hit home, making you squeeze your eyes shut as you lifted yourself onto the ledge carefully. Your hands gripped the frame so tightly your knuckles turned white, your own body fighting for life more than your brain. You focused yourself on the words, singing lightly as you debated letting go, not hearing the panicked screams and cries from your classmates below.

Tell me love is endless.

Don’t be so pretentious.

They were panicking, collecting the torn pages of your journal and attempting to call you to your senses. You didn’t blame them, but they couldn’t help but plead and shout their own apologies for hurting you in any way.

They begged.

“Sorry cant save me now,” You sing, swaying forward, but jolting back a bit each time you got a little too close. “Sorry... I don’t know how—”

You were so sure, but your body refused to let you be so hasty.

————————————————

Taste me, the salty tears on my cheek

That’s what a year long headache

does to you....

The music echoed off the walls of hallway of your floor, the acoustics reverberated in the stairwell, and Todoroki pushed himself harder. He knew that playlist. He knew every time you played it, you were always crying in your room, refusing his help until he would bring you a very late dinner, which you would take silently, avoiding his gaze as he watched your tear stained face.

I’m not okay, I feel so scattered.

Don’t say I’m all that matters.

Leave... me.

Deja vu.

‘Please don’t be stupid.’ He thought to himself, yanking the door open, leaving Deku but a flight behind. (Iida and Uraraka decided to keep an eye on your from the outside.) He stormed down the hall, skidding as he got to your door before knocking.

“Hey, it’s Sh-Shoto.” He said, trying to talk over the music. “Open up, please.” You couldn’t hear him though, you had started screaming the lyrics with your entire chest.

Sorry can’t save me now

Sorry there’s no way out

but doooooown

Knocking became pounding, “(Y/N)! Open up, please!” He begged, beginning to overwork his emotions. He couldn’t handle losing you, not when he was just now recognizing his true feelings for you. His pounding turned into kicking, and attempts at knocking your door down with his body.

“Calllll my friends and tell them that I love them!” You screamed, now noticing the worried Ochako, “AND ILL MISS THEM.” Her protests were drowned out by approaching sirens. ‘Fuck,’ you thought. ‘I’ve only got a few seconds. It’s now or—’

Call my friends and tell them that I

love them.

“DETROIT SMAAAAAASHHH!” Izuku’s wail from the otherside of your door, and the loud CRASH! had you do a 180 on the ledge, gripping tightly as the impact made your entire door frame blow off, resulting in a gust of wind pushing you back. You blinked slowly as the dust settled and there he was.

“Sh-Shoto...” You whisper, the song reaching it’s last seconds.

And I’ll miss them. Sorry.

“(Y/N)...” He says.

Sorry...

“Don’t.” He warns as your fingers begin to lift off the edge.

“Sorry.” You sang the last note.

——————————————————————————

SUAOSHAOISHZHS I HAD TO DO IT IM SORRY I WAS LISTENING TO BILLIE EILISH WHILE I WAS ON MY FEELINGS AND I WAS LIKE OH WAIT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD ANGST💀💀💀💀💀

Let me know what you think, I’m sorry ahead of time if I made you cry.

[spyrothesquish-0006]

Levi loved the violin. He loved the violin because he could use it to express his emotions. He could convey how he was feeling in a way that words just wouldn't do.

Eren loved music. He loved music because sometimes, the lyrics in a song perfectly explained what he was feeling. He found solace in knowing that whatever he was going through, he wasn't alone. Someone, somewhere had probably written a sappy song about their 50th heartbreak at some point.

Eren fell in love easily, and Levi did too, but it took longer for Levi to admit his feelings to himself, and then to the person he loved. Eren loved recklessly. He could fall in love with a perfect stranger with a passing glance. No words exchanged, no red string pulling them together. He was finally learning how to guard his heart, and Levi was trying desperately to learn how to set his free.

Levi loved the violin.

Eren loved his violinist. Yes, he would think. My violinist. Not mine in proximity, but mine all the same.

Levi loved the violin.

Levi also loved his starry-eyed melomaniac.

Eren loved his violinist.

'But what to do, oh what to do

Admitting feelings, so construed

Why should I,

When all love dies

My hearts been through too

much! '

he cried

But mayhap this time,

My heart will fly—

No!

Stop this,

Stop this nonsense,

Conscience stop this blithering

I'll not entertain the thought a moment longer!

But Levi loved his—

His what?

He is not mine,

Yet what I wouldn't give—

Stop it!

These thoughts are spinning,

Why aren't they quiting,

Dizzying misery,

Let me alone.

But this is not misery,

Whispered his heart.

This is odd yes, very odd,

But comforting all the same.

Chemicals in the brain

All in disarray

Seratonin, dopamine, adrenaline,

An overabundance of one can cause madness,

Would not it be better to let your heart sing?

Alright, alright,

Just this once,

He sighed.

Heart do what you will,

Please let this be not some cheap thrill,

A happy night

And nothing more

I couldn't bear.

Eren loved his violinist.

Levi loved his star.

----

I figured I might share some of my writing, and I'm AoT and ereri/riren trash.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 2/10/2020:

Things I have done:

Finished (1) Call Me Back illustration.

Wrote (1) chapter of an extremely silly thing for a prompt I got.

Wrote some TYBWA angst? Like, why? Might someday make it into my Extended Edition One Final Training Montage rewrite? Maybe?

Working on a nice piece of Valentine’s Day art. I am experimenting with a new style and it’s been fun and I think it looks pretty nice so far.

Pantry is designed. Need to make some final decisions on the closets, but we got the general gist. Also did a bunch of work on picking out a utility sink, kitchen ceiling, and my new baking station.

My son successfully turned 9 and I made him pizza and we watched Into the Spiderverse and I tearfully explained AUs and Gwen Stacey to my children I JUST HAVE A LOT OF SPIDER-MAN FEELINGS OKAY?

For context, I have not been feeling well lately, so I have not been very productive. People Being Frank About Mental Health Online has been extremely helpful to me in my life, so I will put a few TMI details under the cut if it’s something that would help you. (please do not feel obligated to read it!) What I’m going thru is very on-and-off, and I think I will be able to get the next Chapter of Call Me Back up sometime in the next few days, whenever I am feeling up to it.

So, I am in the process of trying out different antidepressants and it is... not going well. In the last three weeks, I finished up with one that both (1) did not help my depression and (2) exacerbated my anxiety. I had to get off that, but the timing worked out that it meant I was on nothing for the week of the month* that I am guaranteed depression and it was... bad. I started a new medication this weekend and I was fine for the first day and I have been an utter mess for the past two days.

The reason I am telling you this is: 1) If you have a friend or relative with depression, the absolute best thing you can do is offer to make phone calls for them or handle the simple things they can’t. I have had intermittent periods of absolutely nonfunction, and I am grateful my husband has been calling my doctor for me and helping me make decisions. The mental health system in America couldn’t possibly have been designed to be less accessible to the people who need it.

2) If you don’t know anything about antidepressants, please don’t tell someone they should be on them. I went into this with 0% confidence that this would help, and I am only doing this because I felt that if I didn’t try it I was a burden on society and did not deserve to get better. This has been absolutely terrible and I don’t blame anyone who doesn’t want to or doesn’t have the time/money/work flexibilty/support structure to go thru it.

3) If you want to try antidepressants, make sure you have a network in place of people who can check in on you and make you go lie down if you need.

That is all. I am having a pretty bad day (it is a lot better than yesterday), but please do not worry about me or wish nice things for me. A big part what I am going through is a pervasive and terrible sense of guilt and I know you all love me, but if you tell me it will just upset me.

I try to keep doing stuff, not because I feel guilty about it, but because it helps me feel better. So, also, telling me to take it easy is counterproductive, because I need that creativity seratonin and it’s hard enough to find the time and energy as is. Drawing is working out okay right now, although I am too stupid to write. I literally do not remember finishing Call Me Back. I have periods where my brain works okay, but I am also having manic swings, so.

Anyway, if you wanna do something nice for me, please consider a) reading a piece of fanfic that doesn’t have a lot of hits and leaving kudos or a comment? sometimes a fanfic has poor grammar or isn’t that well-written, but maybe it has a cool idea or a funny bit or something you can write a compliment on b) like or reblog a piece of art of your favorite character or OTP that someone made that’s not very good, but they put it out there, or c) try doing something creative? You don’t have to show anyone. Don’t tell me about any of this stuff, I just want people to be out there doing nice stuff in fandom.

*Hey, if you don’t know this, hormonal birth control CAN have/exacerbate depression as a side effect, which doctors are now discovering, and some of us got to learn the hard way.

[mandaating]

New Beginnings

written by @yeetyoteyoudabomb

steve rogers x reader

summary: reader is jilted, steve gets a second chance. you gotta read my dood lol.

characters: you, steve, tony, ex-fiance, Natasha, Wanda

word count: 1,971

notes: this is my first time doing anything like this!!!!!!! go easy on me, i had fun writing this tho and i hope u enjoy!!!!!!!

requests are open lol

I crumpled to the floor, right there in the middle of the common room. My hand was shaking, shaking so hard that my phone dropped to the ground. Tony looked over at the commotion, and suddenly, he was by my side.

“(Y/N)!” He wrapped me in a hug, trying to make me look at him and not the floor in front of me. I didn’t want to look at him, in fear that I would start to scream and cry and sob. “Come on, what’s the matter? Look at me. FRIDAY, do a scan.” He grabbed my face, forcing me to look at him. His brown eyes were concerned, eyebrows pulled low.

“Seratonin and oxytocin levels are quite low, sir. Otherwise, Ms. (Y/L) is fine.” FRIDAY announced, and Tony visibly relaxed. My vision blurred, and I felt tears streaking down my cheeks.

“You have to tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you and I feel terrible just watching you cry.” He whispered, pulling me into a tight hug. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself before I said it outloud for the first time.

“Max broke off our engagement, said that he found someone else.” All of that fighting against my sobs was no use. My body shook violently, and Tony just held me. He took a breath in to talk, but I involuntarily snorted. I pulled back a little bit, and Tony looked like he was trying very very hard not to laugh. Seeing his face set in such a serious expression made me laugh, and soon enough we were just laying on the floor laughing our asses off. Every time we made eye contact, it just made us laugh even harder. Right when it seemed like the giggles were leaving our systems, Steve walked in, and his expression of ultra confusion made us laugh even harder.

“Oh my God, Steve!” I clung to Tony and just pointed at poor Steve, who looked extremely concerned now. He walked over and knelt down so he was on our level.

“Are you okay?” His sincere words wiped the smile off of my face. I felt the tears on my cheeks again, and everything came crashing back down again. Tony recognized this, and he just looked at me with sad, sad eyes.

“Not really.” I stated, and my phone dinged. Another text. Probably containing more bad news. I picked it up, the newly cracked screen symbolizing exactly how I felt in that moment.

Can I have my ring back? It was expensive.

I felt tears prickling the back of my eyes, threatening to spill over. The diamond ring that so prettily decorated my finger meant nothing and was to be returned. Tony and Steve wrapped me in another hug. After a little bit, Tony pulled back and left me in Cap’s embrace. He gently pried the phone from my hands, and his scoff sent me into a fit of louder sobs. It got to the point where I couldn’t stand anymore, and Steve just scooped me up and brought me to my room.

“Do you want me to go, or - ” I pulled him down next to me and wrapped my arms around him. I felt him stiffen underneath my touch, but then soften.

“Please stay.” I begged, tears leaking out of my eyes. Who knew one could cry this much? He held me, and kissed my hair.

“I’ll stay as long as you need me to, doll.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How about this one? It’s sexy. All eyes on you.” Natasha shook the dress in front of me, and I cringed. It was red, backless, strapless, and dignity-less. We were having a party in honor of my becoming an official Avenger.

“I guess.” I shrugged, and Natasha tossed it at me. Before I could catch it though, it was encased in a red light and flung back at her. Wanda shoved a white, off the shoulder, curve-hugging dress at me instead.

“This one is more understated, but still sexy.” She argued, and Natasha waved her off.

“Back and no straps is the sexiest don’t even at me. And plus, (Y/N) has red pumps but not white ones.” Natasha raised an eyebrow at Wanda. She sighed. Wanda searched through my closet again, and fished out a dipped blue sundress, with a nipped in waist. Her face lit up, and she looked at me.

“We all know Steve would like her in this!” I blushed, and rushed forward to slap her.

“Wanda, shut up! You’re so loud!” They just giggled. It was a well-known fact among everyone in the team that after my breakup with Max, I had started to develop feelings for the super soldier. We spent our evenings together, trained together, teased each other, and commonly pranked each other. I snickered just thinking about the most recent prank, where I put red hair dye in his conditioner just to prove that he did use it. He had been vehemently denying that fact until I had -

“He clearly likes you back so it doesn’t even matter who hears.” I blushed, realizing that I had already started to daydream about him. Natasha said matter-of-factly, already digging through my shoes to see which ones matched the best. She turned around, waving a pair of blue ballerina flats around with flourish. Wanda nodded.

“He’s always talking about you.” She smiled, and I pulled the blue sundress over my head. I looked at them, not believing a word they said.

“It’s true, it seems like I am you based off of all of the things I know because of Steve.” Nat rolled her eyes. My heart was pounding. No, it wasn’t true. Think about the last time you fell in love. It wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.

“(Y/N), just because that douchebag Max jilted you doesn’t mean that you can’t try again with Steve. He’d never do that to you.” Wanda put her hand on mine.

“He’s too nice. If anything, you’d be the one to break his heart, not the other way around.” Nat rolled her eyes. “Now quit sitting around waiting for him to make a move. Let’s get downstairs.” We laughed. I laced up my Chucks and headed out the door side by side with Wanda and Nat.

The second we stepped into the party, it felt like everyone’s eyes were on us. The only person I could look at though was Steve. He looked stunning, which wasn’t fair, seeing that he was just wearing a blue plaid shirt and khakis. His hair was still slightly red from the hair dye, and I giggled just thinking about it. But before I could take my place by his side, Tony pulled me to him and shoved a shot into my hands.

“Congratulatory shots!” He tipped his into his mouth, and I followed suit. How could a party thrown by a Stark be anything other than fun and full of drinks? Steve caught my eye and winked. I made a silent promise with my wide smile to see him later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finishing my second drink of the night, I excused myself from the party and went out to the nearest balcony. It was getting way too hot in there. Tony must have turned up the heat or something, because my body really couldn’t handle it. As a way to cool down, I gathered some water out of the air using my powers, and played around with the sphere that formed. The night was particularly quiet. Yes, New York was the city that never sleeps, but there wasn’t as many sirens as there were normally. Meant no work for us. Although, sometimes, I wished that -

“Needed some quiet as well?” I whipped around and flung the water in my hands at the speaker. Poor Steve stood there, water drenching his head and shoulders, a light smile dusting his lips. I laughed at his expression.

“I’m so sorry!” I touched some of the water droplets on his face, willing them to become gas once again. He just smiled and batted my hands away, leaning against the railing. Turning towards me, he smirked. Goddammit, quit being so...I don’t know, pure? Hot? A wave of affection and love washed over me, filling me with warmness.

“I was actually looking forward to talking to you, but I can see the feeling isn’t exactly mutual.” He teased, and I slapped him.

“Well when you sneak up on me like that - ” He turned and pretended to leave, but I grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Steve I was just kidding.” We smiled at each other, and suddenly realized together that I was still holding his bicep. Flustered, I let go and turned towards the streets below us, hoping that he wouldn’t notice how deeply I was blushing. It was silent for a couple of minutes.

“I know it’s a jerk move to bring up Max, but I just wanted to say that maybe it was for the better.” When I turned around to glare at him, he panicked and quickly backtracked. “(Y/N), I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it in a way that it gave me a chance with you again.” He scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed. I just stared. A chance with me again? A chance? Oh, Steve. I wrapped my hands around his neck, forcing him to face me. He immediately pulled me closer to him, and I smiled. It was like an instinct. “I - (Y/N) - ”

I shushed him with a kiss. There was no hesitation when he started to kiss back, nothing unnatural about it. It was as if his lips were molded to fit against mine. These weren’t like the kisses that Max and I shared, not at all. Steve’s were patient, sweet, hopeful, everything I wished I had with Max. His tongue made its way into my mouth, and I let him. He pulled me closer, somehow, and I clung to him like I needed him to live.

“Finally! Damn, I thought I was going to have to lock you guys in a closet together!” Tony’s voice cut us apart quicker than he had appeared. When I looked over, he stood at the doorway, a confident smirk decorating his face. Steve groaned and pulled himself away from me, just a little bit more.

“Tony, can you mind your own business?” I was still somewhat breathless from our kiss, and all I could do was look back and forth between the two men. Tony noticed how flushed I was, and backed off. But not before snarking to the both of us, which deserved an eye roll.

“If you don’t take her to bed tonight I will!” And the doors slammed, ending our precious time with the great Tony Stark. The man tired me sometimes. I turned back to Steve, and his cheeks were bright red. Cupping his face, he turned to look at me, and I almost laughed at his expression.

“Steve, it’s alright. We’ll start with dinner tomorrow, take things slow.” He smiled, and kissed me again. I could get used to all of this kissing. He pulled away and looked me in the eye, his expression almost making me tear up. There was so much pure love and affection that I felt like the most special girl in the entire world. He smiled at me, a hopeful smile.

“Whatever you say. You’re the captain between us.” And I kissed him again, because for as long as we were together, I was going to look back on this night like it was the most perfect night ever. Which it was. How could anything not be perfect when Steve, the man of everyone’s dreams, was kissing me breathless, promising the start of a beautiful relationship?

[curiousview-blog]

Just for Today (no emotional time travellers please)

This is the 12th post for ‘How to stop drinking: A guide for normal people’. A series in which I am sharing my reflections on living, and staying sober, in a fun, honest, down-to-earth way to show that an alcohol-free life is possible. Previous chapters can be found below on www.samwarren.net

One of AA’s mantras is that you only need to not pick up a drink today. You don’t need to worry about tomorrow. You don’t need to worry about Saturday night, Angela’s party next month, Christmas, or the rest of your life. You are just not having a drink today. Dear sweet Mary Mother of God, what nonsense!? When I was a drinker I use to think this was the most ridiculous idea – what the hell is the point of kidding yourself? If you believe you need to stop drinking (and I mean really be free of it) then of course it’s not ‘just for today’. Why pretend? Surely it’s better to come to terms with a sober life than play mind games?

Image credit: Chiltern & Thames Intergroup of Alcoholics Anonymous

Now I have stopped drinking, I can see how wrong I was. ‘Just for today’ doesn't mean kidding yourself that at the stroke of midnight everything will miraculously be OK again and you can crack open the bubbly to celebrate. ‘Just for today’ means

‘Worry about now. Right now. Just now and no further’

Not tea time, not even an hour from now. Concern yourself with this moment because this moment is all there actually is! The ‘Just for today’ card you’re given at your first AA meeting contains many excellent practices, but within them, there is one important idea that has stayed with me all these years. And that’s the practice of not loading yourself up now with the anxieties of some future state, so that you feel overwhelmed, plummet into the pit of despair and be far more likely to have a drink than if you stay in the present. 

No-one can know the future, so our hopes and fears about what will (might!?) happen are just that – hopes and fears. So beaming them into the here and now, effectively making them real, is a huge source of anxiety which is completely avoidable, if you learn how. It’s an excellent trick to learn for all sorts of things in life actually, and is at the heart of all sorts of ancient ‘eastern’ inspired meditative practices. Shut down your nervous, chattering ‘future brain’ and stay in the present. Mind-full, body-full, and soul-fully right where you are. Because that’s all you have to deal with right now. As I write those words I am wrapping you in this super-soft velvet backed teddy-bear throw, because that’s how soothing ‘just for today’ feels. 

In fact I might just join you in the blankie if that’s OK, as I’m in a pretty anxious place myself as I’m writing this – which is why I decided to tackle this particular chapter today.  I have a Really Important Job Interview coming up in a few weeks (which is in itself a projection… take away the Really Important, and I might not be feeling so nervous), an uncertain application for a mortgage in progress, travel plans to finalise, a potential home-move to organise (oh my LORD I have to rent my apartment out?! I have no idea about such things!) and so on, and so on. And there will be a whole new set of things to replace these when I’m done getting through this lot. My son calls these matters for “Future Mum”, not “Now Mum”. I like that. It’s really helpful – it means I can pop them in a parcel and post them off to someone else*.

Now it’s one of the great joys of imagination and day dreams that we can conjure up future states at will, just by thinking about something or someone. But it’s also dangerous if we use it to imagine future strife or sorrow. Of course, there are tasks I need to do today in respect of things like job interviews, mortgage applications, and travel plans, and of course there are wider future issues that demand we think about, and act on them, now – like climate change – but the important point is that I don’t need to think (and therefore WORRY) about all of them, all at once, right now. Because as soon as I do, the emotions associated with the ‘worst things that could happen’, flood through my body as if they were already happening. 

If drink has traditionally been your go-to support in times of stress, anxiety, or panic, then worrying about tomorrow just heaps on pressure to drink, feel crap about being sober, or hopeless that you’ll never stop craving, etc etc etc… so even if you don’t pick up a glass, you still end up miserable and wallowy. And as being sober seems extra shit under such conditions, you imagine bleaker futures, with more terrifying emotional ‘presidues’. This is my word for residual emotions from something imagined that you feel in the present moment.

Image credit: Complete Health News

Because emotions are chemicals that your mind makes real. To your brain (well, your endocrine system to be precise) your imagination is real. Seratonin and dopamine manifest to us as ‘happiness’, Cortisone becomes ‘stress’, Adrenalin converts to stress too, but also excitement. Yep, it's a bitch that one, even exciting things can stress you out – I still get all weird before a big night out like a five year old waiting for their birthday party to start. My friend Donna and I call it ‘pre-rave anxiety syndrome’. Finally, there’s the mother of them all – Oxytocin, which we experience as desire/ pleasure. This one is also a tad confusing: it is released during orgasm, breastfeeding and when stroking cats. But probably not all at the same time.

So remember folks, that all we really have is now, corny as it sounds. And if we can live ‘just for today’ it’s truly a gift that frees us from living in fear and worry of ‘what might be’. I guess that’s why it’s called ‘the present’.

*I wrote the original text for this piece in early 2018, and I can report from the future that all of those things worked out just fine, in fact better than I could have imagined.

[userpoe]

I was tagged by @fisforfulcrum thanks sweetie 😘

Why did you choose your URL?

I was really getting back into my sequels spin and wanted something short and snappy to change to, but I also wanted it to be connected to Poe in some way. Since all the good Poe urls were taken, on a whim I checked to see if zoriis was available. It was, so I changed to it and it...just sort of became my brand? I don't ever wanna change from it I don't think...unless a really good Poe url opens up anyway, which I doubt. And I get a serious seratonin rush whenever anyone refers to me by my url in the tags idk why.

Any side blogs?

I have my x reader fic blog @luminouspoes where I use to reblog all my recs + post my fics before I decided to move all my bullshit here. I'm also co-mod of @thedamereynetwork because I love my babies.

How long have you been on tumblr?

Since 2011/2012. I didn't really get active on here until late 2013, though.

Do you have a queue tag?

the classic and very original "queue". I use to do the snazzy quotes thing but I can never stick to one for very long. I've debated here and there making a new queue tag, maybe with a sw quote, but eh who has the spoons for that.

Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Initially back when, it was meant to help me with my nonfiction writing. Instead, Tumblr ended up being instrumental in me discovering fanfic and honing my fiction writing craft through that. I remade my blog a shit ton of times as a teenager, though, and the thing that kept me coming back was all the pretty content and my friends. Plus, where else am I gonna be this weird on? Twitter? Hell no.

Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Because I thought the Poe emoji on the Star Wars app was precious. Then, for pride month, I decided to add the aroace flag behind him because well. I'm asexual and dubiously aromantic, and I hc Poe being aspec, so I thought it'd be nice. Did you know his second X-Wing kind of has the same color palette as the aroace flag? It's pretty damn cool still not Black One but cool

Why did you choose your header?

Because @abelmorales and @michaelperry are responsible for me falling head over heels with Michael Perry and I wanted to include (1) soft perfect angel teacher man on my blog somehow fjsjsjskss so soft af flannel clad grading papers Michael it was.

What’s your post with the most notes?

This Poe gifset here, which astonishes me given how many braincells I had to rub together to figure out how to phrase the captions (the irony, I know). I guess we have a thing for competency and forearms in this fandom?

How many mutuals do you have?

A few! Dunno how many dunno how one would know that.

How many follows do you have?

Too many, in my opinion??? There's almost 1.2k of you now and I don't know why you're all here but I appreciate it nonetheless.

How many people do you follow?

Little under 200 and most of those are inactive anymore. I'm pretty picky abt what I follow cos of my anxiety and also idk if you've noticed but most of my interests revolve around shit that's been over for several years. And a lot of blogs are really ship-oriented, and I just...don't vibe with shipping communities so I try to stay on the outskirts of all that.

Also I'm pretty guarded about who I follow due to years of casual aphobia being thrown around this site, and now wariness about how blogs act abt neurodivergent folk and characters

...but if anyone knows of any more active Oscar blogs that are nice abt Poe and the sequels or moffat era dw blogs...please let me know fjdksks my dash is always dead

Have you ever made a shitpost?

With my brand of humor I think most of my jokey posts kind of teeters on it. But I don't think I've ever outright done a shitpost.

How often do you use tumblr each day?

*coughs* pretty often. I'm a slow scroller, so it takes me awhile to get through the dashboard to start with and I also like checking the edit tags and then if I go through a blog I can end up going down a rabbit hole of looking through their posts or their tag about a show or movie or character I like and then whoops where has the time gone. But I'm kind of pulling myself away from scrolling so much on Tumblr, if anything so my dashboard is a little more active when I do hop on, and also so I can get some other hobbies in like writing or reading (working through the second to all the boys book rn!)

Did you have a fight with another blog once?

*laughs my ass off* no. I stick to my lane, if someone posts something that I'm uncomfortable with or I disagree with, I just... unfollow? I'm not interested in vague posting people either, I don't see the damn point. This is my little internet cottage and I don't see the point in fighting the village when I can just ignore them and care for fellow wanderers, ya feel?

Though, come to think of it, I have told off a fair few anonymous asks who were trying to bully my friends or mutuals but. I don't know if we can really count that or not.

How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

[wibbles hand] I think some can veer a little too closely to guilt tripping the readers, but if it's something really important, I understand the urgency.

Do you like tag games?

I do! They're a lot of fun, I just wish I had the spoons more often to do them. I also tend to freak out because I never know who to tag because I'm simultaneously worried I'll be annoying if I do tag someone, and if I forget someone I'll make them feel left out.

Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

First off, Laura's answer to this question is so damn precious I'm going to cry, love you babes. Second of all, I genuinely think all my mutuals are Tumblr famous. Like in my head I'm just like "that person is so fucking awesome oh my god they're so cool I bet they have so many followers they deserve it all their posts are exquisite". I love my mutuals and there's a good chance (see: yes) that if we're mutuals I consider u my friend in my head I'm just too shy to admit it out loud yet jdjdks

Do you have a crush on a mutual?

I literally get hearts in my eyes everytime I go down my dashboard. I am platonically kissing you all on the cheek and giving you cocoa. I love you.

no pressure tags: @bee-dameron @djarinsbeskar @michaelperry @abelmorales @starryeyedstories @misterrimpossible @exlibrisastra and @princedimitris and anyone else I may be blanking on

[cezulian]

Does anybody else sometimes dream in like full theatrical trailers either of something original or some version of a fiction you’re really into? I mean like an actual start to finish trailer with music and clips and a title card + maybe some other graphics that are cut to throughout it IE, *something big happens*–> *text reading “WITNESS”*–> *characters looking at something off-screen/looking at each other/running away/etc.*–> *text reading “THE”*–> *villain going thru it in a solitary moment*–> *text reading “END”*–> *bunch of quickly cut together shots of stuff happening, some of it probably b-roll, while deuteragonist screams protagonist’s name in a take that in the actual film turns out to be much more mild*

You know that kind of stuff? I’ve known only one other person ever who dreams like this from time to time and he’s like just short of being a full time editor who often has to do that stuff late into the evening or sometimes overnight so it makes sense, and even though I write a lot and have some projects of my own going on that involve film/tv/media stuff its not like him but when I’ve described my trailer-dreams to him in detail even he says that they can be way more “developed” or he says “mathematically competent”, like they go from start to finish with a formula that’s used in editing trailers and tv spots and even the ones that don’t make sense or sort of veer off into the absurd are still consistently so. Some even seem to take ideas from my head that I’ve put together, mix them with imagery I’ve thought of without context, and create a cohesive idea of like what this Thing’s narrative would be! Its kind of awesome how my obsession with making sense of a story still applies when I’m not conscious. Its also bad and terrifying!

But yeah I know this sounds like a MBMBAM yahoo or something that’s like why would you ask a community of your peers this, but I took a long nap earlier and had a Very Vivid and put-together trailer dream and it started fucking bothering me again about like why haven’t I encountered more people who experience this you know? And of course my paranoia has blown this innocuous if kind of odd thing out of proportion in my head to where I’m now like highly suspicious of the fact that I haven’t heard of this kind of dreaming happening to others like it does to me, and yeah like suspicious of what who could possibly be conspiring against me with this thing that means nothing except that I have OCD which makes me value formula + ADD which makes me hyperfixate on things like film production and writing (also its what I’m pursuing as a career) + MDD which sucks the joy and color out of everything save for my hyperfixations and the little seratonin that thinking about them releases, so basically my point is, if this is you or you know someone like this please validate me before I start, idk, digging into my skin to find CIA dreambots who have been hacking into my genes to make me forget about Black Lives Matter with subliminal messages or whatever.

[childofthepaladinking-blog]

Nostalgia.

"A sentimental longing, or Wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with Happy personal associations." (I have been putting this off for some time, and would like to say that I am slightly uncomfortable writing this, as it is my first non-fiction project, and I intend to view more words, feelings and similar constructs within the human spectrum. I would also like to say, I have done minimal research, and I have done it quickly, so if I am wrong in an area, or as a whole, please let me know. I will be writing one hopefully once a week, but I cannot promise anything, and I hope that, at some point, I will have the aid of a friend in selecting a topic, and then deconstructing and analysing it to an easily recognized explanation.) So, my understanding of nostalgia can be reduced into this- "a series of thoughts, smells and/or feelings that trigger a memory/memories that are not fully formed, but that play a vital role in one's character/personality"- and until a few weeks ago, I figured that this was all that nostalgia would ever be. I have also learned that there is a term that is both similar to, and the close opposite of, nostalgia. found in the Portuguese language, it is defined as "the presence of Absence" and I find that quite romantic, in a way. This term is saudade, and it is the main reason I began this wonderful train wreck you are currently subjecting yourself to. I have been noticing recently, a void whenever I think of heavy things like future, hopefully long lasting, relationships, and even the death of loved ones (which, tbh, two of my grandparents have been in the E.R. in the last 3 months for heart problems, and this has been a topic I cannot get out of my head lately) The void, I sense, is hungry for words, or more specifically, phrases, and the two that I am constantly directed to are "I love you" , and " please stay here." Now, just to be clear, I have never been in a relationship with anyone, of any gender, but I am not someone who would admit to things like these unless I was hurting in some way, and even then it would take quite a while for me to build up trust to say them to someone, but I have that need to say them, even to an empty room whenever I am leaving for any stretch of time. However, that was a tangent that I may return to in a upcoming week. (Look out for "meloncholy and peace") Now, back to nostalgia. Something I have found while researching this word is that a very common way to feel nostalgic is to smell something from your past. For me, the most nostalgic scent I can think of is paint, electronics, a wood scented perfume and rabbit fur, all mixed together with the smell of pine-sol. These may seem unconnected, but when I was younger I was always at my friend's house, which smelled heavily of these. Now, as far as I can find, a nostalgic scent could have many subtle notes, or it could be a single, faint smell, such as the smell of stale bread, but typically we hear of smells that are untracable, but powerful and many toned. Another common trigger is a sound. In my case, the most nostalgic sound I can think of is my great aunts voice echoing off of a wall. And again, the sound can be anything, as long as it holds sentimental value to you. So, now that I have briefly touched on triggers of nostalgia, let us talk about the effects that come with it. However, before I say anything further, I would like to, again, point out that I have done research, but probably not enough, and I am most likely very wrong in this rambling speech. So, back to what nostalgia does. In most cases, nostalgia brings up happy memories, or more accurately, feelings, and causes the release of calming chemicals into you blood stream, such as oxytocin, dopamine and seratonin. These all help calm, compose and clear your mind, and are also vital to pain relief in your body. Also, these happy feelings can help lift your mood and get you motivated for something, (which, sidebar, is probably why there are so many commercials with kids playing sports and other similar activities, even when the product has no correlation with such an activity.) Also, when you hear a song you used to listen to all the time, or you eat a food that you used to eat as a kid, you are taking your mind back to a time that seems simpler, or maybe even easier, than whatever you are going through at the moment. And, as a final, closing thought, consider this; you are literally an atom floating around in a universe so huge that the biggest thing we can see is smaller than a billionth of a billionth of a billionth of a percent of the universe, and yet you can give yourself the warm-fuzzlies by looking at a cereal box, while no where else on that atom can another creature claim the same. So, this is the child of the paladin king, signing off, signing out, and signing foul language to a bird on my porch. (Also, if you ever see a man with yellow eyes, run away...)