#SOPHOMORE YEAR??????? I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CHOIR????? AND HAD 2 MORE YEARS TO TAKE HONORS CHEM?????

[carcinized]

okay also while im on this topic (american centric rant incoming sorry. i can’t speak for other countries but this is what it’s like here)

a) adults rewarding kids for like being on the football team in high school is dumb as fuck and causes 50% of my problems at school. we all know this thougu like it’s stupid as fuck. but also

b) adults rewarding kids for taking AP classes and doing a million extracurricular things hoping for scholarships causes the other 50%. Normalize telling kids “hey sometimes colleges won’t even take your AP credits, half the class focuses on passing a test which you might not and also have to pay money to take, also this class might destroy your livelihood.” also normalize telling kids hey man it’s literally fine if you don’t wanna go straight to a four year college? like there’s community/junior college which in some states is FREE FOR TWO YEARS. and if it’s not free is INFINITELY CHEAPER. and then you can usually get GUARANTEED SCHOLARSHIPS into really good schools to do your major. & you dont even need to bust your ass getting into college and destroy your mental health so you go into college hella depressed. also this means you have more time to work in your teenage years while you don’t have to pay the bills and save money for things like yknow. groceries and down payments on cars and apartments. and it’s not a failure to do that??? like im saving at least 20k dollars doing that plus my own mental health. Like um if you really wanna go ahead but im pretty happy with the money and emotional distress im saving i feel pretty fucking smart for doing that 💀 also stop being assholes to kids who cant afford 4 year college realistically (even though there’s “scholarships.” ever talked to anyone fucking ever?? those are so competetive it’s SO UNREALISTIC to bank on those im sorry to say.)

also there’s nothing wrong w trade school? Or literally anything else? take a gap year and live at home? you’re slaying. take a gap whatever years and live at home?? UR SO FUCKING COOL. stop acting like college is the only path for people my fucking GODDDD

[themostrandomfandom]

Hi! I found your blog the TKTD, and that fic and your theories have highkey gotten me back into glee :D your content is so interesting, thank you so much! I haven't read all of your analyses yet, so I may have missed something, but I'm still wondering a couple things 1. why did Brittany fail senior year? You've written a lot about her not being dumb (despite her intelligence being non-normative), and we know she's able to do at least very advanced math. It seems like her primary goal would be...

To move to the next stage of life with Santana, so why wasn’t avoiding failing out a bigger priority for her? Furthermore, as someone who was so involved with extracurriculars (Cheerios, glee), she must’ve needed to maintain reasonable grades to avoid academic suspension. So avoiding failing seems like something that would be on her radar? and 2. do you think brittany dropped the ‘if sex were dating santana and i would be dating’ line on purpose?

Hey, @savealtonrichards​​!

Sorry it’staken me so long to answer you! I don’t have much internet access these days.:p

If you’re infor a good ramble, it’s under the cut.

(WARNING:Here be griping about Glee writing—as one does.)

___

First thingsfirst:

Theout-of-universe stuff.

Glee is a show that’s difficult to categorize because while it ostensibly takes place withina realistic fictional universe (as opposed to say a fantasy or science fictionone), there are times when it noticeably deviates from reality.

Though thecharacters seemingly live in suburban Ohio in the early 2010s and areregular human beings living “regular lives,” there are certain aspects of theirexistences that absolutely strain credulity (even when one actively tries tosuspend disbelief).

Some ofthese breaches are obvious, like when Lord Tubbington is shown as being capableof using a computer. However, others manifest more as gaps in logic—the typesof minor “glitches” in believability that cause the viewing audience to go,“Wait a minute. That’s not how that plot development would play out in reallife.”

One exampleof this second type of breach is how between S4 and S6, the young charactersliving in New York, most of whom are supposedly tight on money, arenevertheless able to jet set back and forth to Lima seemingly every otherweekend, as if plane and train tickets are free and travel takes no time orenergy at all. Another is that Sue Sylvester could do all of the illegal,immoral, and just flat-out batshit insane things she does without ever being firedor prosecuted. Still another is that nineteen and twenty year-old kids likeBlaine, Finn, and Sam could be hired to coaching positions at their respectivehigh school alma maters, even though none of them holds a college degree orteaching certificate.

The breachin realism that is pertinent to our discussion has to do with Brittany’sacademic history—which as depicted in show canon is replete with gaps and holesand just doesn’t make much sense.

In episode1x07, we are told that for years Sue has been doctoring the grades of herCheerios, including perhaps Brittany’s. However, even after Will puts his footdown and flunks many of their teammates, the Unholy Trinity, including Brittany,continues to attend Cheerios practice. They are the only Cheerios who do.

How theyalone of the whole squad retain their academic eligibility is not clear.Santana may not be taking Spanish, as she’s not shown in the class. However,Quinn and Brittany most definitely are, so either they must be passing (whiletheir teammates are not) or else Will must have decided against giving them thefailing grades they would otherwise deserve, perhaps because he doesn’t want torender them ineligible for glee club.

WillSchuester is nothing if not a hypocrite, so honestly I wouldn’t put it past himto walk that particular low road.

In any case,the show never really clarifies to what extent Brittany may rely on Sue tomaintain a passing GPA.

ThroughoutS1, Brittany is reported to cheat off of Becky’s schoolwork in math class (seeepisode 1x09) and is shown attempting to cheat off of Quinn’s tests in Spanishclass (see episode 1x07), incidents which suggest that she does at timesstruggle with academic performance during her sophomore year. 

However, herstruggles are not explored in depth, and her continued eligibility for theCheerios would indicate that either she somehow manages to make passing grades,struggles notwithstanding, or else that interference from Sue renders herstruggles moot.  

Kurt alsoreports that Finn sometimes cheats off of Brittany’s math assignments (seeepisode 1x10). We don’t know if this cheating represents an isolatedincident or a pattern of behavior. However, if it’s the second option, then given that Finn maintains his academiceligibility for football even after having cheated off Brittany’s work, andconsidering that, unlike with Brittany, Sue is unlikely to have doctored Finn’sgrades, we can perhaps surmise that Brittany at least occasionally managesto earn passing grades on her own.

Even if Sueis pulling strings to keep Brittany on the field, come S2, the situationchanges, as in episode 2x11 Brittany quits Cheerios, at which point whatever“help” Sue had been giving her is almost certainly rescinded.

Shortlythereafter, in episode 2x13, Brittany remarks that hergrades are bad (“Totally. Most teachers think that by cutting class, I mightimprove my grades”), perhaps suggesting a drop-off due to a cessation in Sue’shelp. 

Even so, it would still seem that Brittany isn’t altogether failing, asshe apparently passes the eleventh grade and commences thetwelfth grade with the rest of her class.

The shownever specifies to what extent Brittany and the other glee kids must maintaintheir grades in order to stay in show choir. On the one hand, glee club is notan athletic program, so the rules for eligibility may be different than withcheerleading or football. On the other hand, glee club is seemingly anextracurricular activity in which students may “letter,” and it does have itsown governing board and competition requirements, so perhaps its eligibilityrequirements are similar or even identical to those for prep sports. To whatextent there may be “house rules” specific to WMHS as opposed to district orstatewide rules for all competitive show choirs remains unclear.

My guess isthat there’s got to be some kind of statewide threshold for eligibility,particularly as we’re told, per Jesse St. James, that the Carmel High kids in VocalAdrenaline cheat and doctor their grades in order to maximize their practicetime and minimize their schoolwork.

Whatever thespecific requirements may be, the fact that Brittany remains eligible toparticipate in glee club throughout her junior year is another point that maysuggest that even without Sue’s interference Brittany maintains a passing GPA. ThatBrittany is eligible to rejoin the Cheerios come her senior year also suggeststhat her eligibility remains intact as she finishes out the eleventh grade.

However,things seem to take a sudden downshift from there, both in terms of Brittany’sprospects and in terms of narrative sense-making.  

Come S3, we arefinally told that Brittany has a 0.0 GPA, though it’s never specified if that’sher semester, yearlong, or cumulative GPA. My guess is that it’s the secondoption, given that Brittany is told she must repeat the twelfth grade (asopposed to just making up a few credits during summer school or repeating multiplegrades).

That said,the situation surrounding her failure remains murky.

Prior to S3,Brittany has seemingly maintained a passing GPA, as is evidenced by heraforementioned progress through her freshman, sophomore, and junior years ofhigh school and her continued academic eligibility to participate in Cheeriosand glee club.

However, theshow never reveals how she has come by this passing GPA.

Our threemain options for explaining this phenomenon seem to be:

We can infer that Sue hasmanipulated Brittany’s grades in order to keep her academically eligible forvarsity sports.

We can infer that Brittanyhas achieved passing grades through her own efforts.

We can infer that perhaps somecombination of the above two options has taken place (i.e., that Sue hasmanipulated some of her grades, while others she earned through her ownefforts).

On the onehand, the show heavily implies that Brittany is a very poor student who wouldprobably be incapable of passing her classes if not for Sue manipulating thesystem on her behalf. On the other hand, given that Brittany maintains academiceligibility for Cheerios even when Will flunks many of her teammates in hersophomore year AND that she spends a significant portion of her junior year offthe Cheerios and still manages to pass, it would seem that Brittany is able tomake grades even during the times when Sue isn’t propping her up.

The questionsthen become: If Brittany can pass the eleventh grade “on her own,” then whydoes she fail the twelfth grade? Furthermore, how come Brittany is allowed toremain on the Cheerios and in glee club even once her grades start slipping?Why does her failure only come to light after it is essentially too late forher (or anyone else) to do anything about the problem? How come Sue, who hasnever had any qualms about manipulating her cheerleaders’ grades in the past,seemingly “allows” Brittany to fail her senior year? How come not a singleteacher or counselor at WMHS makes any efforts to help Brittany, even thoughshe is obviously struggling?

After all, Brittany’s 0.0 GPA seems to be a reflection of a chronic problem.

The firsttime we hear about said failing GPA is in episode 3x19, which is the sameepisode that features the WMHS senior prom.

For mostAmerican public high schools, prom takes place anywhere between March and June,which means that somehow Brittany is allowed to fail for at least one or two fullsemesters (or, more likely, given that many Midwestern American public schoolstend to run on the quarter system, two or even three full quarters) before Figgins tells her what’s up.

The school thenseemingly takes no action—at least as we see play out on screen—to helpBrittany course-correct for the final semester or two quarters of her senioryear.

She’s notput on academic monitoring or probation. She’s not assigned a tutor. MissPillsbury doesn’t set up any meetings with her to discuss her options or determineher future. No one writes her an IEP. She just crashes and burns until the endof the year, at which point she fails to graduate.

It strainscredulity that in today’s day and age Brittany could flunk out as “quietly” asshe did, without anyone—including her parents, coaches, guidance counselor,and/or girlfriend—realizing she was in trouble at any point along the way.

Where werethe midterm progress reports? The report cards? The summonses to MissPillsbury’s office? The failed tests that required the signature of her parent orguardian? Santana glimpsing an F on her Spanish essay and ripping Mr. Schue agoddamn new one because who is he to tell Brittany she isn’t conjugating verbsright when he can’t tell his own ass from an ñ?

Shouldn’tsomeone somewhere along the way have noticed something was wrong while therewas still time enough left to do something about it—and particularlyconsidering that Brittany is not only a student but a student athlete?

Per the OhioHigh School Athletic Association, a student must earn “passing grades in aminimum of five one-credit courses, or the equivalent, in the immediatelypreceding grading period” of athletic competition in order to be eligible toparticipate in a varsity sport, so in theory, after she fails that first term,Brittany shouldn’t be able to compete as part of the Cheerios squad at all, letalone be one of the senior leaders.

For therecord, the real life school districts in Lima, OH require a minimum GPAbetween 2.5 and 3.0 for student athletes.

One has towonder: Where is Sue in all this? How come she doesn’t intervene once she seesthat first bad report card?

After all,Sue has no qualms concerning academic dishonesty. By her own admission, she’s meddledwith her cheerleaders’ grades for years. Why shouldn’t she simply meddle in this case, too? Wouldn’tit be in her best interest to keep Brittany eligible to compete?

Come S4, Sueherself blames a “haze of pregnancy hormones” for preventing her from noticingBrittany’s S3 academic nosedive (see episode 4x02). Another contributory factor to her negligence may be her vicious congressionalcampaign against Reggie Salazar and Burt Hummel.

However,that Sue would allow Brittany to fail still presents a narrative problem, nomatter what her excuses for doing so may be, because the fact remains that academiceligibility is an issue that extends beyond her sole purview.

OnceBrittany fails the first academic quarter of the 2011-2012 schoolyear, shebecomes ineligible to compete in interscholastic competitions. The issue is outof Sue’s hands and into those of the Ohio High School Athletic Association.Some state official somewhere has the responsibility to mark her fileand bar her from any further participation in state cheer events.

—and yetthat never happens.

Somehow,Brittany remains a cheerleader (and member of the glee club) for the duration of the schoolyear, despite not passing a single class.

It’s one ofthose lapses in believability—those “Wait a minute. That’s not how thatdevelopment would happen in real life” instances—that takes Glee out of the realmof passingly realistic fiction and into the realm of exaggeration and camp.

There’s noway that Brittany could fail an entire year of school without facing anyacademic consequences—that’s just not the way that the American school systemworks, particularly when it comes to athletic eligibility.

How comeFiggins only notes Brittany’s failures in springtime? What is going on during the fall and winter?

For the record, episode 3x19 originally aired on May 8th, 2012. Within the universe of the show, the action of the episode may take place on the same date or at least a proximal one.

By allaccounts, someone somewhere along the way should notice what’s going on—if nota faculty member at Brittany’s own school, then some official on an athleticeligibility committee, or a college cheerleading coach scouting Brittany for anNCAA scholarship, or an auditor working for the superintendent, or a rivalcheerleading coach digging for dirt on Sue Sylvester’s stars.

Someone!

But no onedoes.

I mean,that’s what the show purports. 

Figgins knows enough to inform Brittany thatshe’s failing, but he doesn’t do anything to help the situation except to lectureher for neglecting her duties as the senior class president and badger her intoplanning the prom. 

Will and Emma, too focused on rescuing Puck from a similarfate, seemingly remain either oblivious to or unconcerned about Brittany’sacademic woes until she’s on the verge of failing her SECOND consecutive senioryear in S4. 

And Santana? She’s blindsided. Somehow, even though she andBrittany take classes together and meet up during every passing block and spendall of their spare time in each other’s company outside of school, she has noidea that Brittany is in academic jeopardy—not until Brittany springs the newson her at BreadStix just before what should be their joint graduation.

Not untilit’s too late.

That’s canonas TPTB at Glee wrote it.

It makes nogoddamn sense, but it’s what we’re stuck with.

So.

Onto thesecond order of business, then:

Thein-universe stuff.

Returning toyour original questions: Why does Brittany fail her senior year—from asituational and character perspective? How come she doesn’t work harder not tofail?

Though earlyon, Glee at times tried to play Brittany off as an accidental or even dubiousgenius—such as in the scene in episode 4x22 where she’s first shown solvingcomplex equations for the researchers at MIT—they later fully committed to herprodigy, acknowledging it as the real deal.

By episode5x12, Baby Girl is shown as being capable of tackling the Riemann Hypothesis.Her work at MIT is serious. By S6, she’s doing complex math for fun, albeitwith kitty doodles drawn in the margins. The Brittany of episodes 6x03, 6x06,and 6x08 is able to slip in facts and impressive logical arguments alongsideher usual Brittanyisms and one-liners. Her intelligence is no longer subject todebate.

So what’sthe deal with her flunking out of high school? How can someone capable ofprocessing the most complicated calculus there is fail at high school algebra?

Here’s thething: While Brittany is indeed a certified math genius, there’s not always aneat one-to-one correlation between “raw intelligence” and “academicsuccess.”

Lots offolks who are plenty bright—including many who have impressive naturalaptitudes in certain areas—fail in traditional classroom settings, even inclasses that by all accounts they “should be good at.”

Some havebehavioral tendencies that are incompatible with the classroom culture. Others findthe course materials boring, either because they already know the materialbeing taught or else because the material is being taught in a way that isn’tconducive to their learning style. Still others learn at a different pace thanwhat the curriculum may allow for, working either faster or slower. Many simplytest poorly or have trouble focusing. Organizational issues, language barriers,home circumstances (which may interfere with one’s ability to complete homeworkor come to class rested and ready to learn), individual teacher-studentdynamics, problems with bullying at school, health or disability factors, etc.,etc. may also affect one’s ability to “make grades.”

Many of thesmartest people there are have failed in formalized academic settings. Conversely,many people of average or even below average aptitudes have found ways tosucceed in the classroom. Other factors such as one’s work ethic, connection toteachers and mentors, support networks, accommodations, etc. can also impacteducational success.

In Brittany’scase, there are myriad reasons why, despite her certified genius, she fails herclasses.

For onething, WMHS is a substandard learning environment, just to start out with.

Theatmosphere there is toxic. Bullying runs rampant, with the staff either whollyapathetic toward, powerless to intervene in, or even sometimes party to theperpetuation thereof. 

The administration routinely mismanages its resources,spending an inordinate amount of money to support the cheerleading and footballprograms, though lacking certain other necessities—such as a functional specialeducation department, adequate handicap accommodations, and up-to-datetextbooks.

They also hire teachers who are both underqualified (such as Will,who teaches Spanish for years despite not actually speaking the language) andfrequently abusive (such as Sue, who should literally be serving jail time forthe way she treats the student body). 

Multiple times, it’s stated that theirstudents test at below average reading levels. 

While only a small percentage ofwhat Sue says should ever be believed, her claims that she doctors the gradesof her Cheerios to maintain their academic eligibility to participate in avarsity sport are seemingly accurate, as Will and Principal Figgins aver that such is this case. 

Not a single permanentteacher, principal, or guidance counselor at the school, with perhaps theexception of Coach Beiste, appears competent to do their job.

The hijinks ofvarious staff members and students regularly interfere with the learning day.

Rememberthat old post about JennaB. Lacey, the Hogwarts student who just wants to get a proper education but isconstantly prevented from doing so because she has the misfortune of being inthe same year as one Harry Potter, whose adventures and misadventures areconstantly interrupting her lessons and preempting her exams? Just replace “Harry Potter” with “Rachel Berry” or “SueSylvester,” and you’re basically describing the life of your average WMHSstudent.

Though wedon’t spend a lot of time following the New Directions kids through theirregular classes, the few glimpses that we do get suggest that much of thecurriculum they are subjected to is either outdated or else straight upobjectively incorrect.

While theepisode plays the situation for laughs, Holly Holliday’s points about the sexeducation at WMHS being painfully inadequate aren’t at all off the mark. Mrs.Hagberg seems to experience episodes of dementia while teaching (and is aself-admitted painkiller addict). She frequently forgets her spatiotemporallocation and has on occasion been known to teach that the Nazis won WWII. Will speaksSpanglish and buys into racist stereotypes about Latinos. Sue promulgatesconspiracy theories and unsubstantiated revisionist history, purposefullyspreading misinformation as if she were the White House Press Secretary.

Later on, inS6, it’s shown that a complete overhaul is necessary to update the school’stechnology and curriculum in order for the students to start performing up tostandards on their state tests.

—and there’sBrittany, who learns differently than most people do, stuck in the middle ofall of this chaos.

Honestly,it’s a wonder that any of the kids at WMHS achieve any kind of mainstreamacademic success. That Quinn gets into Yale and Tina into Brown is kind of ascholastic miracle, all things considered.

So she’s upagainst a lot of impediments as barriers to her learning just as a baseline.

Then add inher individual difficulties on top of the other stuff.

Brittany’sis a unique mind. It is unclear to what extent book-learning and traditionaleducation work for her. She has a tendency to metaphorize concepts, suggestingthat she is an abstract thinker. Her flair for malapropisms also intimates thather mind is organized in “webs,” with various like-words grouped together byloose strings of associations. Though she is mathematically intelligent, she isalso emotionally intelligent and physically intelligent, as well.

Early on,her genius seems highly intuitive, as she is able to pull numbers out of theair, though she is not always equally able to explain how or by what means she hasdone so. In time, her methods seem to become more examined and deliberate, withtheory underlining what was once a more reflexive capability.

She isperhaps something of an autodidact, able, for instance, to teach herselfSpanish, though she apparently doesn’t fare well in the class in high school.

Though fewpeople on the show, save Santana, realize as much, she frequently runs abouttwo or three steps ahead of everyone else in terms of her conversations andsocial maneuvers. Her zany quips and seemingly innocent demeanor throw peopleoff, to the point where they don’t pick up on just how wily and keen she canbe.

On the onehand, this phenomenon affords her some social leeway—because, after all, she’sjust “Brittany being Brittany.” On the other hand, it sometimes results inthose who fail to understand her talking down to her, infantilizing her, andblowing her off. 

Frequently, both Brittany and the people who engage with herwalk away from their interactions frustrated, Brittany because she’s beencondescended to, her conversation partners because they find herincomprehensible and off-putting. 

So. 

Considerthat many of her teachers—including Will—seem to be confused by the way shetalks and find her irksome to deal with and so tend to be dismissive of herduring classroom discussions.

Because herintelligence is non-normative, a teacher talking about A subject can get her thinkingoff on a tangent about B subject, C subject, and D subject, and pretty soonshe’ll be blurting out a question or comment about Z subject, which from herteacher’s perspective does not relate to the discussion topic at hand and mayeven derail the lesson, distracting the other students. The teacher then eitherreacts to Brittany’s question or comment with annoyance, shutting her down(such as Ms. Hagberg does in episode 3x02); or reacts with bafflement, ignoring her andglossing over what she’s said (such as Will does in episode 1x10). Either way, Brittanydoesn’t get her questions answered or her comments responded to in aconstructive manner, which means that, invariably, she doesn’t get what sheneeds to out of class.

By the timewe first meet her as a sophomore, Brittany’s reputation as a nuisance and“numbskull” precedes her.

Her teachersmake no effort to hide their low opinions of her intelligence.

In episode2x04, everyone ribs Puck for crashing his mom’s car into an ATM and gettingarrested. Brittany joins in the fun, remarking, “He may be the dumbest personon this planet—and that’s coming from me.” Though the moment is generallyjocular, the fact that Brittany’s teacher Will says nothing to defend her toherself speaks volumes. The incident is also not an isolated one, as later inthe season, in episode 2x17, Will directly questions Brittany’s intelligence toher face (“I get the three of you being on [the Brainiacs], but Brittany?”).

Tack on allthe instances when he responds to Brittany’s comments during rehearsals (andeven her later “cries for help” during S4) with bafflement at best and disdainat worst, plus the way he clearly talks down to her as if she were a youngchild rather than a teenager, and there’s no question that he thinks she’s adolt.

And he’s notthe only member of the WMHS faculty who feels that way, either.

SueSylvester is likewise a serial offender when it comes to calling Brittany dumband infantilizing her. Ditto for Hagberg and Figgins. Though we don’t get tosee Brittany interacting with many other members of the staff aside fromSheldon Beiste, Holly Holliday, and Shelby Corcoran—the last two of whom areonly at the school briefly—it stands to reason that there are other teacherswho share the same negative attitude toward her that the featured teachers do.  

At onepoint, Brittany even says that her teachers have told her that her grades mightactually improve if she were to slough her classes.

Brittany’s“stupidity” is widely viewed as a given.

Time andtime again, the show depicts people taking her intelligence for granted andassuming the worst of her capabilities. Such attitudes undoubtedly influencethe way that her teachers approach educating her. If a smart kid like Quinn orArtie isn’t grasping a concept, then teachers will try changing their pedagogyup, teaching the lesson in a different, more effective way. The same is trueeven for an average student like Mercedes. If she’s struggling, a teacher’simpulse will be to show her patience because there’s a good chance thateventually (with some hard work and extra credit) she’ll get it. But not so with Brittany, whom most teachers seem to viewas an idiot. Why slow down a class for her? Why assign different readings? Whytutor her after school? Their assumption is that she is a lost cause.

Sue potentiallydoctoring her grades—and those of the other Cheerios—also exacerbates theproblem.

Thoseteachers who are aware of Sue’s meddling, and especially the ones who have beenbullied by her into being complicit, may feel a lessened sense of obligation toreally teach Brittany or attempt to accurately evaluate her learning because,after all, no matter how Brittany performs, she’s going to be handed a passinggrade in their classes anyway.

Conversely,those teachers who remain unaware of Sue’s meddling may believe that givingBrittany a failing grade will result in meaningful academic consequences forher, which will then lead to her getting the help and attention she needsvis-à-vis the systems that are in place to prevent kids from “falling throughthe cracks.”

Of course,because Sue changes Brittany’s grades after the fact, Brittany never receivesany such help.

The systemsdon’t attend to her. Nothing in her file gets flagged. No one pulls her aside.She just gets passed along from year to year and class to class without anyoneever really taking an interest in her learning.

Either way,she’s left ill-equipped to succeed in high school.

On top ofeverything else, Brittany may also have an undiagnosed learning disability,such as ADHD or ASD. Though of course the show never states that she does havea disability (undiagnosed or not), some neurodivergent fans see in Brittany a kindred spirit whose experiences inthe public school system resemble their own.

It’sdefinitely possible that she could benefit from some accommodations.

But as faras we know, they’re never offered to her—not only because, as we learn from Sueregarding Becky Jackson, WMHS doesn’t offer special education classes, but alsobecause everyone thinks that she’s just “Brittany being Brittany,” and she’s a hopelesscase from the get-go.

So howeversmart Brittany may naturally be, she’s got alot stacked against her at WMHS, including antagonistic teachers, theabysmally low expectations people set for her, Sue’s interference with hergrades (and then the sudden cessation of that interference), her non-normativelearning strategies, and other possible factors.

Add in thatduring her senior year, she’s also dealing with some extra pressures outside ofthe classroom, and what we have is a recipe for a disaster.

Note: Ofcourse, the show deprives us of hearing Brittany talk about the aftermath ofSantana’s outing, suspension, and disowning in her own words, but HeatherMorris’s nonverbal cues show that Brittany’s upset during this period is hardfelt. It’s a stressful time in Brittany’s life, and even after the initialwounds have healed somewhat, Brittany still devotes much of mental andemotional energy to trying to ameliorate the situation, to keep Santana in agood place, to help her smile, and carry on. That’s not to say that Brittana’srelationship or Brittany’s efforts to make Santana happy cause Brittany to failher classes. It’s just to say that Brittany’s senior year is one in which shehas a lot on her mind beyond the regular cares of just being a teenager.

Thesituation as it is, it’s perhaps unsurprising that she should struggle.

However, thequestion still remains: Why doesn’t she ask for help?

No one, includingher parents, teachers, or girlfriend, seems to notice she’s academicallydrowning until it’s too late. But just because they don’t notice on their owndoesn’t mean that Brittany can’t alert them to the situation, right? So whydoesn’t she turn to Mr. Schue and say, “I need some extra help on my historyhomework,” or confide in her parents that she’s just bombed another Englishexam, or ask Santana if they can perhaps study for chemistry class together?Wouldn’t it be in her best interest to do so? Shouldn’t she want to graduate sothat she can get on with her life (and follow Santana)? Why not just reach outto someone?

Easier saidthan done.

Brittany hasspent her whole life being disparaged for “not being smart enough.” Is shereally going to admit she’s struggling to many of the same people who are activelycontributing to her struggles?

Sure,ostensibly, Mr. Schue is her teacher, and he’s supposedly an advocate for her.But can she really turn to someone who has routinely made her feel like anidiot and confess to him that she’s not understanding her classes—andespecially when she’s fully aware that, even if she were to ask him for help,he is probably not the best person to offer it, considering that he’s not actuallya qualified teacher?

The samegoes for Sue, who habitually preys upon Brittany’s vulnerabilities and has beenknown to blackmail students whenever she has any sort of leverage over them.Brittany would have to be an even bigger fool than the one people take her forin order to ask a favor of a megalomaniac of Sue’s caliber.

If Brittanywere to turn to her, the best case scenario would be that she would once againresort to doctoring Brittany’s report card—which is not necessarily an outcomethat Brittany wants. The worst case scenario would be that she would find someway to make Brittany’s life hell for having even approached her.

Brittany has to wonder: Is there any good that could come of prompting Sue totake action if she hasn’t already done so (unprompted) yet?

Not evenEmma is a safe bet, considering that she seems completely oblivious toBrittany’s plight, even though it is literally her job to be on top of it.

She doesn’t pushWill to include Brittany in his Saturday Night Fever competition alongsideFinn, Mercedes, and Santana (see episode 3x16). She isn’t present to participatein the “come to Jesus” meeting Figgins calls Brittany in for before the prom (seeepisode 3x19). Nowhere along the line does she show any concern for Brittany’sGPA, even though she has access to Brittany’s records and presumably has aprofessional imperative to counsel with her concerning her future.

If she can’tbe assed to take an interest in Brittany’s academic struggles even though she’sbeing paid to do so, then Brittany’s not going to beg her to get involved.

Her inactionhas already sent the message loud and clear: Brittany is on her own.

As for whyBrittany doesn’t turn to her parents or Santana for help, things arecomplicated on that side, too.

Since wedon’t know much about Brittany’s relationship with her parents aside from thelittle we see of it in S6, it’s difficult to say why she doesn’t approach themfor help. Maybe she fears disappointing them. Maybe she feels that they won’tunderstand why she’s failing. (They might assume she’s being lazy or goofingoff rather than facing legitimate roadblocks to her learning.) Possibly,they’re dealing with some kind of crisis of their own at the same time thatBrittany realizes that she’s failing, so she doesn’t want to “bother them” withwhat she’s going through. Perhaps she does approach them but they either can’t or won’t helpher.

There’s alsothe possibility that Brittany is reluctant to involve her parents in her issuesbecause she fears the consequences if they find out that Sue has been doctoringher grades for years. How can she explain to them why she’s gone from having apassing (and perhaps even impressive) GPA in years past to having a failing(and even abominable) GPA this year? She’d have to admit that Sue’s been fudgingher report cards to preserve her academic eligibility—and doing so might resultin her parents asking her questions that she doesn’t want to answer.

Either shewould have to say that she had gone along with Sue’s meddling (even though sheknew what Sue was doing was wrong) OR she would have to admit that Sue hasbasically been abusing and blackmailing her and the other Cheerios, making herscared to come forward about the academic dishonesty. The first option oversimplifiesthe situation. The second option is the truth but one that’s probably difficultfor her to cop to.

In any case,for whatever reason, Brittany either doesn’t bring her problems to her parents’attention or she does but they can’t (or won’t) help her.

WithSantana, things are different.

Brittanyknows that if she approaches Santana with her problem, Santana will not onlycare but also understand all of the extenuating circumstances. Santana knowsabout the Sue stuff. She also sees how teachers and other staff members tend toreact to Brittany. She’s fully aware of the injustice. She’s also fully awarethat Brittany’s genius is misunderstood—that Brittany is smart, though her smarts don’t necessarily translate to hertopping the Honor Roll every semester. Santana has the full view of thesituation, and there’s no question that she’d be sympathetic to Brittany’sissues and do everything in her power to get Brittany help, if Brittany justsaid the word.

The troubleis that Brittany doesn’t want to say the word—not when Santana has been dealingwith her own troubles, which, on the whole, from Brittany’s perspective, seem so much bigger and moreagonizing than Brittany’s own.

Brittanycan’t bring herself to interject, “Um, excuse me, Santana, but can we take a break fromdealing with you being outed the entire state of Ohio, suspended from school,disowned by your grandmother, and homophobically bullied so that we can talkabout my algebra test?;” not when she knows that if she points out that she isfailing, Santana will pump the brakes on her own plans and ambitions in orderto stand by her side.

She doesn’twant to hold Santana back when Santana is on her way out of their stifling, gay-bashingtown, onto bigger and better things. She doesn’t want to drag Santana herpersonal turmoil, not when Santana is just finally getting clear from theturmoil in her own.

—andespecially not when Brittany views her own failure as inevitable.

Yeah, shecould tell Santana, and, yeah, Santana would try to move heaven and earth tohelp her. But in the end, there’d be nothing Santana could do. Brittany wouldstill fail, not due to any lagging efforts on Santana’s part, but becauseBrittany has never been able to succeed in school no matter how hard she tried,because the whole system is rigged against her and always has been. No matterhow much effort Brittany expends to show people she’s got a fine brain in herhead—by winning a quiz bowl championship, writing for the school newspaper,becoming class president, dishing out wise advice, etc.—no one except for Santanahas ever been willing to give her a chance. They always see her as an imbecileor a child. Even Santana can’t change the status quo. So why drag her into it?

InBrittany’s view, it’s better for her to help Santana pursue her dreams outsideof Lima than to do anything that might cause her to turn back or slow down.

ThoughBrittany often projects confidence, the truth is that just like the other twomembers of the Unholy Trinity, she has some serious and deep-seated self-esteemissues. After so many years of people calling her an idiot and treating herlike a child, part of her wonders if they aren’t perhaps right (see her speech in episode 4x22). 

While shedoesn’t want to believe what the haters are saying, she also can’t help butfeel that maybe she is destined for Lima Loserdom. If so, then the last thingshe wants to do is drag Santana down with her—hence why she doesn’t mention herfailure to graduate until she’s sure that Santana leaving town and going toLouisville is already a done deal.

Is refusingto seek help from anyone a wise choice on Brittany’s part? No.

But havingdifficulty asking for help is a character flaw she comes by naturally. That agirl who’s been told “no” her whole life would be scared to ask anyone to takea chance on her and say “yes” makes sense. The behavior pattern is a consistentone that she displays throughout the show, such as, for example, in S4, whenshe stages not one but two separate public meltdowns in situations where sheneeds help but doesn’t know how to ask for it (see episodes 4x02 and 4x22).

Note: Thefact that Brittany actually brings herself to ask Santana if they can seekadult help regarding their relationship troubles in episode 2x15 shows just howmuch the issue means to her. Normally, Brittany would never suggest seekingoutside counsel, but in that case she wants so badly to set things to rightsbetween her and Santana that she petitions Santana to approach Holly Holliday.Her love for Santana outweighs her fear of making herself vulnerable.

Brittanydoes want to graduate high school. She does want to be with Santana andcontinue their relationship. She wants to escape Lima. She wants to prove thenaysayers wrong. She wants to start a new life somewhere where she’s notnegatively stereotyped and looked down on by everyone. She wants to livehappily ever after with the woman she loves. She wants all of these thingsdesperately, more than anyone really knows.

But she alsodoesn’t know how to get what she wants.

She feelsboxed in and like her situation is hopeless.

So she justtailspins until she crashes.

—and thetruly tragic thing is that nobody notices what’s happening with her until it’stoo late, either because they remain oblivious (like Santana) or because theyare apathetic (like Brittany’s teachers, coaches, and guidance counselors).

Per usual,Glee tried to play the situation for laughs, but there’s really nothing allthat funny about Brittany’s academic failures at all.

Like manystudent athletes, Brittany is a kid whose physical abilities have been valuedover her learning. As long as she’s helping the Cheerios to winchampionships—and make no mistake, like Quinn and Santana, Brittany is one ofSue’s superstars, whose dance and choreography talents are one of the main advantagesthat make the squad elite—then nobody cares if she struggles in her classes.It’s all about what she can do for the school and not what the school can dofor her.

Of course,in Brittany’s case, there’s even an added element of administrative apathy atplay beyond the usual “Just pass the girl so she’s competition eligible” bit.

Because ofthe way she thinks and acts, her teachers assume that she incapable of and/ordisinterested in learning. They allow their annoyance and exasperation with herto supersede whatever obligation they might feel to provide her with a realeducation.

The sad reality is that no one’s going to go out of theirway to teach a girl that they consider a) a nuisance to have in class; b)incapable of learning; and c) someone for whom grades don’t really matteranyhow, given that she’s one of the moving parts in Sue Sylvester’schampionship cheerleading machine.

So that’show Brittany makes it through grades nine, ten, and eleven: By being passedfrom hand to hand, with the faculty and administration turning a blind eye towhat’s happening because, ultimately, no one really cares about her educationanyway.

But thenBrittany enters grade twelve, and for whatever reason this system suddenlyfalls apart. Though she has previously made passing grades—some of themostensibly without Sue’s “help”—the coursework in her senior year gets thebetter of her.

Maybe thetwelfth grade material proves substantially more difficult than the eleventhgrade material. Maybe years of inadequate learning finally catch up to her. (Ifone never masters the basics of a given subject, then one can’t very wellnavigate more advanced material, after all.) Maybe the stress in her family andsocial life so distracts her from her schoolwork that she is no longer able to juggle it all, and she ends up dropping the academic ball. Maybe herteachers finally have enough of her antics and decide to grade her punitively. Maybea confluence of issues affects her.

Whatever thecase, she fails.

That no onein the WMHS administration takes an interest in her case is a tragedy. Thatshe doesn’t feel safe enough to ask any of her teachers or coaches for help isutterly heartbreaking. Particularly when we compare her story to Puck’s, thenumerous ways in which the system has failed her become painfully apparent.

No childshould flunk out of school because her teachers find her annoying.

—andespecially not when she is willing to learn, if only given the chance.

Throughouther time at WMHS, we frequently see Brittany taking notes in her classes andvolunteering answers during lectures, incorrect though some of those answerscertainly are. She isn’t a girl who sleeps through her schooldays or cutsclasses or goofs off. She’s trying her best. And as the way she really comesinto her own after she leaves WMHS proves, she isvery much capable of learning, albeit at her own pace and in her own way.

Imagine howvery different Brittany’s story could have been if even one teacher had realizedher potential—or had even just given her a chance of any kind. 

Not onlywould it perhaps have been possible for her to graduate with the rest of herclass, but her genius could have been recognized sooner. The entire course of her life could have been changed for the better.

As thingsare, Brittany eventually succeeds inspite of her experiences in the education system, not because of them.

Hers remainsa sobering story.

Anyway.

Then, toanswer your second question:

No, I don’tthink Brittany drops the “—if it were, Santana and I would be dating” line onpurpose. I honestly think it’s a slip on her part.

Here’s thething:

ThoughBrittana don’t get a lot of foreground development during S1, they do have asubtle subtextual, “in the background” storyline that centers on the tension between howSantana thinks they need to be versus how they really are.

Whilethey’re both truly happiest when they’re monogamous with each other, Santanacontinually insists that they maintain publicly visible sexual relationshipswith popular boys at the same time that they’re sleeping with each other—youknow, to project at least the illusion of “straightness.”

However,despite her interest in appearing “heterosexual,” Santana is never able to keepup her sexual relationships with boys for long. Puck inevitably cheats on her.Finn inevitably turns back to Rachel. She invariably ends up back in amonogamous sexual relationship with Brittany, who is more than happy with thearrangement, given that she and Santana are actually in love. The cycle repeatsitself ad nauseum, until eventually, between episodes 1x10 and 1x13, Santanaand Brittany fall into a prolonged period of exclusivity with eachother.

During thistime, they’re sleeping together, plus doing all of their regular “best friend”things—you know, like sharing meals and going out to movies and sittingtogether in the back of the class and writing each other cute notes andcuddling and linking pinkies and generally being, you know, GIRLFRIENDS—whichis why Brittany feels confused about the status of their relationship.

Santana hastold over and over again that just because you’re having sex with someonedoesn’t mean you’re also dating them.

But she andSantana aren’t just having sex. They’re also doing all sorts of relationship-ystuff. Plus, you know, they’re in love with each other.

So doesn’tthat mean that they’re dating?

That’s thequestion that’s in Brittany’s mind going into the infamous party line scene inepisode 1x13.

To quoteextensively from thispost:

During S1,Santana feels secure in her arrangements with Brittany as long as she maintainsa sexual relationship with Puck and he brags about it around school. As long aseveryone knows that Santana has sex with a hot boy and “likes it,” then Santanafeels safe to also have sex with Brittany, per her own druthers. Even afterSantana and Puck officially break up circa episode 1x03, things are cool becausethey still keep having sex and Puck keeps broadcasting the fact that they do totheir peers.

But then circa episode 1x10, somethingshifts.

Though Puck and Santana continue to haveintermittent sex, Puck ceases to boast of their encounters starting around episode1x10, when he begins to woo Quinn in earnest, trying to prove his worthiness asa father and partner to her.

When Puck ceases to brag, Santana getsnervous and feels as if he has rejected her. Is she doing something wrong?Doesn’t he like it anymore? Does he know her secret?

In episode 1x11, Santana sexts Puck in adesperate attempt to rekindle his interest in her, but her efforts don’t panout. Pucktana likely stop sleeping together between episodes 1x11 and 1x13,and, when they do, it likely causes Santana to fear immensely for herreputation.

Ironically, though the thing Santana mostfears in losing Puck as her beard is that people will find out the truth abouther relationship with Brittany, Santana can’t help but run to Brittany when shefeels Puck’s attentions waning. She panics her way right into Brittany’s bed,seeking the approval, affection, acceptance, and validation there that shedoesn’t get from Puck. In so doing, she probably reveals some emotionalvulnerability or even neediness to Brittany.

Considering that Brittany is in love withher, it’s hard for Brittany not to read significance into her actions and thinkthat they signal something big.

Hint: They do.

Brittany starts thinking more and moreabout what’s going on between her and Santana. Since Santana isn’t dating Puckanymore, maybe Santana could date Brittany instead.

It’s because Brittany has the idea ofdating Santana in her mind—and heart—that she blurts it out to the group in1x13.

“Sex isn’t dating.”

“—if it were, Santana and I would bedating.”

It’s Brittany voicing what’s in her heartbefore she can really stop herself.

That she has no premeditated intention ofouting herself and Santana is clear from the look on her face the second thewords leave her mouth and she realizes what she’s just said. She spoke what wasmeant to be a private thought aloud, and she’s scared to death about what theconsequences might be now that she has. She immediately glances to Santana,gauging her reaction, wondering how badly she’s just fucked up theirrelationship. Though the conversation quickly moves on from that point, herheartbeat most likely doesn’t resume a normal pace for minutes afterward.

Anyway, I’ve jabbered for a good, ol’long while now.

Thanks for the questions!

[natsuxlucyfanfiction]

Superhero Part 2

Hey guys, what’s good? I saw that a couple of you wanted a second part to Superhero so here it is. Your comments are super encouraging, I seriously love reading them. For real, the more the merrier. Make sure to read the end note on this too, please.

Also, I have a Halloween one shot planned but I want you guys to choose what the Fairy Tail cast dresses up as. Either comment, leave an ask, or private message me what you guys want our gang to represent!

*********

Sighing, she headed towards the place she dreaded the most that day. Lucy was always the last person to get to their table since her class was always released late. Seeing all of her friends at the table made her want to do a 180 and bolt out of the cafeteria. But she didn't need to. She was stopped before even making it to her table.

"Lucy, you blowing me off?" She turned around to see Natsu with his lunch in hand. "And here I thought we were gonna have lunch together."

Lucy’s shoulders slumped in relief. Once again, Natsu saved her from an uncomfortable situation. She knew she couldn't avoid confrontation forever, but delaying it just a little bit wouldn't hurt. He led her to a bench outside near the entrance of the school, which was surprisingly empty. The only other person outside was a student taking pictures of shadows, which Lucy assumed was for a photography class.

"It's so nice out here," Lucy commented. "Why do people not sit out here more often?"

"We can," Natsu shrugged, popping a grape into his mouth. "It can be our little lunch spot."

"I doubt either of our friend groups would be okay with that," Lucy sighed. The thought was nice, but it was too unrealistic to be true. Keeping friends in middle school is so hard; why are there a bunch of dumb unspoken rules and codes and stuff?

"Who cares what your friends think?" Natsu countered. "First of all, your friends are so toxic, Britney Spears is shook. Wendy and Levy are fine but Lisanna And Cana? Don't get me started. They might not be completely bad people but all I know is that they're bad for you."

"Preaching to the choir," Lucy groaned in response. She took another bite of her sandwich, which Natsu was not-so-secretly eyeing. "Just take it already," she said, handing it over to him while rolling her eyes.

"Thank you so much Lucy, I'm freaking starving," he managed to say with his stuffed mouth.

"Why don't you just pack more?"

"I never wake up early enough so I just steal someone's lunch box every day," Natsu admitted casually. "They never figure out it's me cuz I steal a different person's lunchbox everyday. Once, I even brought my own lunchbox to school and pretended to steal it so I would look extra innocent, but then i remembered it was empty so I stole someone else's lunchbox too." Natsu tapped his head with a dumb smirk, believing himself to be the genius of his era.

"How did you go from wise monk to dumbest moron in such a short amount of time?"

"Rap music."

Lucy let out an exasperated groan, half jokingly. "It's like I don't even know you anymore," she complained. "I do but I don't, you know?"

"A good superhero never reveals his identity," Natsu saluted to the flagpole. "Rest well, America."

"Middle school boys are an enigma," Lucy stated, shaking her head in disbelief. It was Natsu's random quirkiness that she loved and missed, though. Somehow, it was the same Natsu but also someone completely different. They haven't gone through the same experiences throughout middle school like they did in elementary. Their storyline wasn't identical anymore.

Natsu and Lucy spent lunch together for the rest of the school year. Once freshman year began, they continued being their own squad. They had their friends, of course. Every so often Gray and/or Erza would hang out with them. Occasionally Wendy and Levy. Lucy grew distant with her friend group.

That was, until homecoming season rolled up.

Freshman girls were in a frenzy, fervently searching for the absolute most perfect dress for the homecoming dance. All of them were under the impression that they were definitely going to get asked, which was not necessarily true. At all.

"Come on, Lucy. You're not even a little bit excited about homecoming?" Levy tried to hype Lucy up more about boys. She hoped every time she came to school that it would be the day Gajeel asked her to homecoming. He hadn't yet, but he still had two weeks left to ask.

"I am, I just don't care about all this dating stuff. I'm going to go to homecoming, dance with my friends, then go home and play video games with Natsu. I'm excited for that."

"Okay, okay, sounds good, just gonna make a few tweaks," Levy said. "How about this: you and Natsu go as a couple, stay the entire night, go somewhere romantic afterwards, have your first kiss, and then go home and think about him all night!”

Lucy blinked twice, then pinched her arm. "Woah, this isn't a dream. It's real. You actually think that Natsu and I have something romantic going on between us? Gajeel's making you loosen a couple screws up there.” Lucy gestured to Levy’s head.

"Very funny, Lucy," Levy retorted drily. "I'm trying to help you. One day, you're gonna realize you're all alone and cry because you wouldn't listen to me."

"I'm 14, chill," Lucy chuckled. She spotted Natsu in the distance and used that as an excuse to leave the conversation. He was with his friends. She strided towards them, not mentally prepared to be stopped by another one of her friends to talk about homecoming. Though, what Levy said did repeat in her mind.

I couldn't date Natsu, right? He's literally like a brother to me. There's no chemistry between us. It's not possible. Is it? Well it doesn't matter, because I don't like him, so take that Levy!

She reached Natsu's friends, and she soon realized that she had jumped from one conversation about homecoming to another.

"Stop teasing the girls and just ask one of them to homecoming already."

"Gray, do you know how hard it is when I have every girl to pick from? I wanna ask them all, and I know all of them would say yes," Loke exaggerated, making sure to flip his hair at the end of the sentence.

"So you guys are planning on asking girls to homecoming?" Lucy stepped in.

"Nope, just Loke," Natsu answered. "Anyway, what's good with you?"

"Well, I-"

"Never mind shut up the Tartaros kids are coming this way," Natsu spoke quickly. Lucy swiveled around to see Jackal strutting over along with the rest of his posse. They were jerks, straight up mean to everyone with no clear reason. Even the seniors were wary of that group of sophomores. Never had the Tartaros kids ever spoken directly the Natsu or Lucy, but they've heard stories. None of them ended well.

"Lucy Heartfilia," Jackal bellowed, making sure to capture everyone's attention. "Will a drop-dead beautiful, angelic woman such as yourself grace me with the honor of coming to homecoming with me?" His words were laced with high levels of sarcasm, and his short giggle afterwards told Lucy all she needed to know: it was a joke. She struggled enough with self image issues, as did most girls in her age. A stunt like this made her confidence drop and tears rise. Am I that bad that someone would ask me out as a joke? However, she wouldn’t show Jackal that he bothered her, not that easily.

"I don't know...get your teeth fixed, then we'll talk." Lucy smirked at her own insult, knowing that she hit one of Jackal's insecurities. With jacked up, sharp teeth like that, who wouldn't be self-conscious?

His menacing glare gave her goosebumps, as if setting off little bombs across her skin. She just noticed how he towered over her. Not only that, but seeing his lips curl into a sneer and white-knuckled fists ready to pound into her made her want to flee the scene. “I get dared to ask you to homecoming and you try to turn this on me?! Get one thing straight," he seethed, spit flying into Lucy's face. "The purpose of this was to humiliate you, not me! Don't go thinking you've turned the tables. I’m not getting rejected by a girl like you.”

Natsu pulled Lucy away from the sophomore. "One little comment and you explode," Natsu said while pushing Jackal with the back of his hands. "Now you stay away from my homecoming date before you eat dust," Natsu threatened with thin patience. His fire matched Jackal’s. He didn’t let the height difference or Jackal’s undefeated streak waver his confidence.

"Threatening me, little boy?" Jackal scoffed, pushing Natsu back in the same way. Many people had their phones out, snapchatting the entire thing. "Show me what your daddy couldn't teach ya."

Lucy grabbed Natsu’s arm right as he lunged for Jackal. She couldn’t see his face, but she knew Natsu was livid beyond belief. Lucy wouldn’t be able to live with herself if Natsu got destroyed in a fight because of her. “Please, Natsu. Not this time.” Lucy heard Natsu slowly release a huff of air through his nose, like a dragon trying to control his anger. He honored her plea and dropped the fight before it could begin. Once the Tartaros crew left, Natsu erupted.

“Lucy, he totally deserved it!” He roared, pacing around with his hands on his head to release steam. “You heard what he’s done to others, and now he disrespected you! I say death penalty.”

“If anyone believes that Jackal needs a fist to the face more than you, it’s me.” She grabbed his hands and rubbed them, slowly intertwining hers with his. “I’ll be okay, Natsu. No big deal, really. Not like he actually hurt me or anything.”

“I promise you, Lucy,” he spoke with sincerity and passion, “I will give you the best homecoming experience that I possibly can. You are an actual queen and only deserve the best. Don’t tell yourself otherwise, you hear me?”

“Loud and clear,” Lucy smiled. Everything would always be alright in the end. Her superhero would make sure of it.

*******

Okay, I usually don’t add end notes but I felt like this was important. What Jackal did might not seem like a big deal to you, but honestly, a stunt like that could really kill a girls self esteem. I know many girls in many points of life and most of them still struggle with self confidence issues. Please, never ironically ask someone out or ironically compliment someone. Be genuine or just leave that person alone. Of course, it’s a different story if you’re friends with that person and that’s how you joke around, but generally, let’s keep it real and positive, please. Support our sisters!

[caffeinestudyingg]

Updated About Me

I did this tag when I was a junior in high school and considering it has been about three years I thought I’d do a bit of an update.... not that anyone asked ha! 

What year are you? College Sophomore 

If applicable, what is your thesis about? N/A

Do you think you picked the right major? I really hope so, I just made some changes so we might find out in the spring.

Ultimate educational goals? Probably get my masters and return as a professor or lesson instructor in schools.

Career goals? Teacher, Professor, Lesson instructor, Pianist... really anything that lets me use my degrees and feel fulfilled?

Do you think your goals are realistic? These might be but only time will tell.

What classes are you taking right now? Oh boy here comes a long list: Music Theory III, Aural Skills III, Women in Classical Music History, University Singers Choir, Women’s Choir, Disney Lyric Choir, Schola Chamber Choir, Piano Lessons, Philosophy, Theatre History, and Theatrical Design.

Favorite class out of everything you’ve ever taken and why? Maybe AP Music Theory in high school because my teacher was so spectacular or Aural Skills in college because our class dynamic is laughable

Least favorite class ever and why? The 8 am history course I took first semester because it was way too early to learn that much about Europe in the early 1400s.

Current favorite class and why? None of these have started yet but I am very much looking forward to getting back into my piano lessons!

Current least favorite class and why? I am not entirely looking forward to Philosophy because it is going to take more prep and thought than courses I take for my majors.

2. What’s your major/what do you think you want to major in? Theatre Major and Piano Pedagogy and Accompanying Major

Favorite STEM field? Psychology

Favorite humanities subject? Music Theory

Class that you’ve always wanted to take but never had the chance? Band and orchestra ensembles if those count count.

Do you use caffeine and if so how much daily? I am a straight up caffeine addict so anywhere between six to seven cups of coffee or three-ish energy drinks.

What’s your preferred method of taking in caffeine? Ideally, hot black coffee but there is nowhere on campus that sells good coffee so I tend towards zero calorie Monster energy drinks.

Have you ever tried study drugs? nope

Are you a homework-in-the-morning kind of person? I live for waiting until the last minute to get things done.

Do you listen to music while you study? I find it almost impossible to focus when I do but that doesn't stop me some days.

Crowded area or quiet place? Crowded spaces! Libraries and coffee shops are my go to’s.

What’s your preferred writing instrument? Pencil and paper

Do you need to work out before you can study well? nope

Describe your perfect study environment. Still standing by a low-key coffee shop with a small study group and plenty of caffeinated beverages.

Are you procrastinating right now? I most definitely am.

What was the last thing you procrastinated? My directing final scene was written, edited, designed, cast, and rehearsed four hours before it was performed.

Are you a perfectionist? surprisingly, yes.

Do you like easy classes or do you feel bad if you’re not working hard? I love classes that don't stress me out but I can't stand paying for classes that I already know the information for.

Are you a good test taker? absolutely not.

What are you the proudest of out of all the assignments you’ve ever had? My memory piece from my piano jury this past semester. I worked really hard on it and that process was the final piece that pushed me to changing my major.

Do you talk to your teachers/professors a lot? I talk to my professors incessantly! I sometimes forget that we can't actually be friends but that doesn't stop me from eating lunch with them and chatting during office hours if they aren't busy.

Describe your favorite teacher/professor and why you like them. I most assuredly cannot pick only one so I shall describe the three best professors I had this past year:

Piano instructor- even though I wasn't always the most prepared or the strongest player she taught there was never a second that I felt less than or like I wasn't valued. She is also an absolutely brilliant pianist and I couldn’t be more lucky to be learning from her. I am wildly excited about being a piano major these days.

Horn instructor/Aural skills professor- The patience this professor has with me is unbelievable! She is so ready to drag me at any given moment and honestly, I live for it. She is excellent at giving advice when needed and genuinely such a wonderful person and performer. The entire music department is in agreement that she is the collective mother over all of us and we would simply fall apart without her.

Director/Directing professor- This man has put up with so much of my shit oh my goodness. Not only is he incredibly smart and a great professor, he puts up the best shows. He has worked so hard to help me this past year from helping me write papers, driving me across campus after rehearsals, to buying me caffeine when I was going through withdrawals. He is a true gift to our department.

Describe your least favorite teacher/professor and why you dislike them. I don't think that I can come up with a professor that I genuinely and wholly dislike without coming up with something redeemable so...

Have you ever thought about becoming a teacher/professor? more and more everyday.

Most profound thing ever said to you by a teacher/professor? You will never be able to know where life is going to take you so you have to do what feels like the best choice and just keep making the best choices as time goes on. Life will become what it becomes and we have to be able to make something positive out of that.

Best feedback you’ve ever gotten on something academic? Being told by my directing professor that I write “excellent” play analyses.

Worst study habit and how are you working on it? Procrastinating- I don't think I am currently doing too much to fix that... even though I need to.

Are you an in-class fidgeter? forever and always.

How’s your handwriting? small, messy, almost cursive.

Neat or messy notes? Messy

A lot of notes or the bare minimum? definitely depends on the class and how interested I am that day.

Are you a doodler? Nope

Do you have pre-test rituals and what are they? Stressing in the lobby with the other students destined to freak out.

Are you a tangent-question asker? oh absolutely.

Do you make jokes in class? Every single chance that I get.

How many hours do you spend on academics per day? Not enough! Though I tend to be on campus in classes and rehearsals from about 9 am to somewhere around 10:30 pm. Sometimes I just don't have time to sit down and formally study.

What’s something more important to you than school? My mental well being most days.

[catholicartistsnyc]

Meet: Jennifer Delac

JENNIFER DELAC is a choreographer and stage manager living in NYC.  (jenniferdelac1@gmail.com or JenniferDelac.com) 

Catholic Artist Connection (CAC): What brought you to NYC, and where did you come from? How long have you been here, and why did you decide to move here?

Jennifer Delac (JD): I had always wanted to be in NYC. The vibrant art community has been a huge draw since I first visited in high school. I transferred to Fordham University at Lincoln Center my sophomore year and just stayed. I've been here almost 8 years now so I guess I'm a New Yorker at this point.

CAC: Do you call yourself a Catholic artist?

JD: I don't know that I identify myself as specifically a "Catholic Artist." I am a Catholic. I am an artist. But I don't work exclusively on Catholic projects. Much like a musician that isn't necessarily classified as a "Christian singer" by genre but still makes a point of pursuing artistic endeavors that encompass the values that they believe and support. I'm always looking for projects that bring beauty and hope to the forefront and that can be found in so many different places. 

CAC: Where have you found support in the Church for your vocation as an artist?

JD: I've found this incredible community as part of the young adult choir at St. Paul the Apostle. It's a volunteer choir made up of a lot of people pursuing art as a profession. It's so nice to be able to come together once a week and share our struggles and triumphs in the entertainment field. I've found it to be so important to have someone to talk to who is experiencing a lot of the same things you are in the city. 

CAC: Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith? How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

JD: Inviting artists to use their God given gifts and talents to be involved in the community. For example, Inviting an actor maybe be a reader at mass and presenting it as a way that acknowledges and utilizes their skills. This could go even further in displaying artwork on a rotating basis or allowing musicians to host concerts in the church. 

CAC: How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

JD: I often find myself wishing the artistic community wouldn't be so quick to judge. In an often incredibly accepting community, I find there is a prejudice against artists of faith. Sometimes its because of a bad experience they've had or an unwelcomeness they have felt in the past. Their feelings are valid and I'm finding it takes patience and a lot of listening on both ends to not generalize when it comes to being an artist of faith and associating one person or experience with faith in general.

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find spiritual fulfillment?

JD: As an artist, there is an endless list of things to do, people to meet, dreams to chase. I'm learning slowly to take time out of my day for prayer or to simply just sit in a park for 15 minutes and be still. Yes, I could knock something off my to do list in that time but there will always be another item added behind it. It's so important for your spiritual life and for you as a person to take that time. 

CAC: How have you found or built community as a Catholic artist living in NYC?

JD: By connecting with artists who also practice their faith. There are so many more people in the city than you would think who fall into this category. Just like in anything else, you need to find people who are after the same things as you in life and reach out to them. It's good for you. It's good for them. It's good for the art you are trying to put back into the world. 

CAC: What is your daily spiritual practice?

JD: I try to start my day with a rosary on the train. The subway is a fountain of frustrations and I find that focusing on prayer as a way to start, helps me to keep perspective and not get bogged down by the little things that can affect my mood and mindset for the day. 

CAC: What is your daily artistic practice?

JD: I don't know that I practice my art daily. There are certain weeks that seem full to the opportunity to practice my art and then there are months when I feel like I haven't done much at all to contribute to my artistic growth. When I find myself in a dry spell I try to sign up for something like a choreography festival or a reading or a music series to give me a deadline to work towards and not stay too far away from it. There are so many ways to be involved in small projects in the city to keep the artistic juices flowing. It just takes a little internet research and a yes.  Also, singing at mass on Sundays as part of the choir has been a game changer for me in terms of feeding both my spiritual and artistic self on a weekly basis in a non competitive, community driven environment.

CAC: You actually live in NYC? How!?

I currently live with a wonderful stage manager I went to school with! I subletted for a long time through friends I knew or through the FB group Ghostlight Productions. I was in and out of the city a lot with shows so it didn't make sense for me to sign and pay for a full lease. It also gave me time to figure out which neighborhoods I enjoyed living in and what commutes I could do on a daily basis that didn't make me crazy. 

JD: But seriously, how do you make a living in NYC?

That is always the tough question and I don't know that I will ever perfect that answer. But there are many different opportunities in the city. I'm fortunate in that I pursue stage management in addition to choreography so it opens up a wider pool of job opportunities in the arts. I've found temping to be a good fit for me in between shows, especially when I'm often only trying to fill in a week or two here and there. I know many friends who work in restaurants which can be a great income source but easy to take up a lot of your time, leaving you too tired to pursue the artistic endeavors you came to the city to pursue in the first place (I will note that some people can manage this extremely well but it is not easy for everyone to juggle). 

I would encourage you to delve into other skills you have and the crossover skills that make you a good artist that can be carried into other fields as well. Some jobs allow you to work remotely for companies part time, giving you freedom to work around artistic projects, things like real estate, doing digital graphics, video editing for a marketing group, etc. 

CAC: How much would you suggest artists moving to NYC budget for their first year?

JD: Ideally, you would have enough to cover 3 months rent (approximately $3,000). You often have to put down a security deposit on an apartment (even if you are subletting) and it's good to be able to focus on settling in and giving yourself time to find a "survival job" that would be a good fit for you rather then settling on the first thing that comes your way. 

CAC: What other practical resources would you recommend to a Catholic artist living in NYC?

JD: Make friends with the people around you and don't be afraid to reach out to people for advice. It's a lot of information to learn on how both the city and the industry work. Most artists had someone give them advice and are happy to pass it onto a new person. Many people grew up elsewhere and moved here for a reason so they were once in your shoes and know how overwhelming it can feel sometimes. The Actors Fund can be a great resource as well as churches that have an artist community like St. Malachy’s. I've also found little coffee shops (not starbucks) to be great places to be productive and to meet other New Yorkers (Gregory's, The Chipped Cup, and Hamilton’s Bakery are some of my favorites).

CAC: What are your top 3 pieces of advice for Catholic artists moving to NYC?

JD: 1. First and foremost, stay close to God. It's not always easy and holding onto your faith will keep you grounded and sane, truly. It will remind you of why you started this artistic journey in the first place. God is the ultimate creator after all! 

2. Find a community to both hold you accountable and to support you in the high and low times. This is a big city with lots of people but can often feel incredibly lonely so find those people you can sit down for coffee with when you feel stuck or to have a drink with when you are celebrating your first NYC show! I would be nowhere without family and friends who remind me of the important things when I forget. 

3. Don't take life too seriously. Find time to take a run through the park, go to a pop concert, try the newest dessert that you see in the window of the bakery you walk past every day. It's a journey and there will be tough times but there is so much beauty and joy to experience as well.

[mrlnsfrt]

...then the end will come.

On September 11, 2001, 19 militants associated with the Islamic extremist group al Qaeda hijacked four airplanes and carried out suicide attacks against targets in the United States. Two of the planes were flown into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City, a third plane hit the Pentagon just outside Washington, D.C., and the fourth plane crashed in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. Almost 3,000 people were killed during the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which triggered major U.S. initiatives to combat terrorism and defined the presidency of George W. Bush. - History.com

I was a sophomore in high school, sitting in the music room when choir practice was interrupted by an announcement over the speaker system. The principal informed us in a grave tone that there had been a terrorist attack in New York. I don’t fully remember what he said after that. I had been living in the United States for 5 years at that point and never in my wildest dreams imagined that anything like that could ever happen. Meanwhile, my extended family in Brazil was freaking out. Some of them could not remember if I lived near Boston or New York, (I lived near Boston) and they could not reach us at our home, apparently communications were down for a while after the attack.

Eventually, I got home and turned on the news to try to understand what was happening. Nobody seemed to know for sure. Over time we also managed to contact our extended family in Brazil and reassure them that we were okay and that we were not living in New York. They all begged us to come back to Brazil, it was clearly the beginning of the end. Surely World War III was about to begin and there would be persecutions and famine and we had to leave the US and save ourselves.

For the first time in my life, the reality hit that Jesus could return in my lifetime. Sure, I had grown up knowing that Jesus would come soon, but I had never experienced the emotional impact of that reality. I remember feeling that everything was about to change. I remember wondering how I should live my life, would I ever get a chance to get married? I had started dating the girl who would one day be my wife. Was I ready for Jesus to come? Would I be able to face persecution?

Nightmares

Growing up as a pastor’s kid in the Seventh-day Adventist Church I became aware of end-time events very early on. I was familiar with Daniel and Revelation, I had seen the slides of the beasts, the charts, and I knew that Jesus was coming soon. Interestingly I was not afraid of ghosts or monsters under my bed, I knew those were fake. Interestingly, I was more concerned about the antichrist and the mark of the beast. I do not blame my parents for this. They probably did not realize that I was paying attention during the prophecy presentations and seminars. Also, I didn’t ask them questions at first. Once I began to ask questions my parents were able to put my mind at ease.

What placed my mind at ease was Jesus’ great power and great love for me. It is my intention to also put your mind at ease in this post, but do not confuse that with making you comfortable. That is not my goal.

The Big Picture

I do not intend to zoom in on the specifics of Daniel and Revelation and details concerning end-time prophecies. In this post, I will take a step back and look at the big picture and what Jesus had to say regarding last-day events. It all began with a comment Jesus made regarding the temple.

Then Jesus went out and departed from the temple, and His disciples came up to show Him the buildings of the temple. And Jesus said to them, “Do you not see all these things? Assuredly, I say to you, not one stone shall be left here upon another, that shall not be thrown down.” - Matthew 24:1-2 NKJV

The temple was the greatest architectural wonder in the Middle East at the time and the disciples marveled at its grandeur (cf. Luke 21:5). Jesus, however, immediately redirects their attention to its transience and predicts what seemed inconceivable at the time, that this magnificent building would one day be entirely destroyed.

Imagine Jesus and His disciples, as they continue east across the Kidron Valley and climb the slopes of the Mount of Olives. This place was already resonant with apocalyptic overtones as the place of the Messiah’s coming to judge his enemies (Zech 14:4). Picture the disciples resting on the hillside, probably looking down on the temple below, the temple is so impressive they naturally begin to question when and how such a catastrophe could occur, the destruction of the temple seemed impossible.

They ask Jesus two questions.

Two Questions

Now as He sat on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to Him privately, saying, “Tell us, when will these things be? And what will be the sign of Your coming, and of the end of the age?” - Matthew 24:3 NKJV

The two questions the disciples asked were probably meant as one. In their minds, the only event that could possibly cause the destruction of the temple must be the end of the world. However, when we read Jesus’ answer we must keep in mind that Jesus is answering two questions. The words of Jesus that follow will be describing both the destruction of the temple and His second coming. This is one of the challenges of interpreting Jesus’ words in this instance since He seamlessly transitions between talking about the destruction of Jerusalem and the His second coming.

Don’t Be Deceived

And Jesus answered and said to them: “Take heed that no one deceives you. - Matthew 24:4 NKJV

I take this to be the main idea. Jesus is not giving us hints in order for us to know the date of His second coming or the destruction of Jerusalem. His main concern is that we are not fooled regarding spiritual things. Jesus’ main concern is the salvation of the world. Regarding end-time events, Jesus’ main concern is that His followers are not deceived.

Signs?

For many will come in My name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will deceive many. And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not troubled; for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be famines, pestilences, and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. - Matthew 25:5-8 NKJV

I like the way that the English Standard Version translates this verse 8. “All these are but the beginning of the birth pains.” (bold mine) With this in mind consider that the appearance of false Christs, wars, and rumors of wars, famines, pestilences, and earthquakes are all similar to birth pains.

Like a woman’s contractions before her labor and delivery, these preliminary events remind one of the nearness and inevitability of Christ’s return. But just as a woman may experience false labor and just as genuine contractions still leave her uncertain about the exact time of delivery, so too the events of vv. 4–8 do not enable us to predict the time of Christ’s coming.

- Blomberg, C. (1992). Matthew (Vol. 22, p. 354). Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers.

The disciples clearly asked Jesus “when” these things were going to happen. But Jesus does not seem too interested in the when. Instead, Jesus gives them “signs” that will remind them that He is coming, that Jerusalem would be destroyed, but He is not too concerned about helping them figure out the exact time. Jesus tells His followers what will happen. This is helpful because when these things take place we are reminded that Jesus predicted them, when we hear of wars and experience pestilences we are reminded the Jesus is coming and this helps us to make better decisions presently. But more on that later.

Anything else?

“Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and kill you, and you will be hated by all nations for My name’s sake. And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved.  And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations, and then the end will come. - Matthew 24:9-14 NKJV

This ties in with what I wrote on A Storm is Coming faithfully following Jesus does not make life a bed of roses. According to Jesus, life in this world will not improve, quite the opposite, it will get worse. By most measurable qualities we are living in times of unprecedented prosperity, health, and safety. Literacy rates are higher than ever in human history, technology has made life easier, large segments of the global population do not have to worry about access to clean water and food. Yet how much happier are we compared to our grandparents? How much happier is a teenager living in a first-world nation than a teenager living in a third-world country? I wonder about these things. Apparently advances in technology, education, and medicine, great as they are, have not been enough to invert the predictions Jesus made. I am not against progress, I am all for it. I have dedicated my life to helping others. Even though I celebrate the good, I am also aware that overall our existence on this planet seems to have its days numbered.

Despite all the good, there is also so much evil. There is so much suffering in the world that is caused by us, humans, afflicting each other, and no government is able to fix it. I don’t want to get into politics except to say that no party or philosophy has the answer. Many views have valid points and flaws, and if we could just take a moment to listen to each other we would see that there are well-intentioned intelligent people on both sides. We have so much more in common than we realize, but we prefer to focus on our small differences to the point that it becomes almost all that we see.

What should I do?

What should I do with all this information? I feel like just giving up, despairing, I feel scared and helpless, what would God have me do?

What should I do when something terrible like the 9/11 attacks takes place?

What should I do when there is a virus that I can’t fully understand making life difficult?

What do I do in the face of wars and pestilences and hate?

But he who endures to the end shall be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations, and then the end will come. - Matthew 24:13-14 NKJV

According to Jesus, in a very practical sense, I focus on two things.

Enduring to the end.

Preaching the gospel of the kingdom.

Enduring to the end sounds a lot like abiding, which I talked about in my post The One Thing. Another way of thinking about enduring to the end is thinking about not giving up. All you have to do is not give up on Jesus.

Preaching the gospel is very similar to bearing fruit. Discussed in The One Thing and also in Tutti Frutti. It happens naturally when you are in Christ and when His word is in your heart. We preach the gospel in the way we live our lives, in the way we interact with one another, and in the way we talk. That is how we make disciples, we follow Jesus in a way that others can follow us. Sharing our beliefs and telling the story of Jesus are also a part of preaching the gospel and are especially powerful in the context of a life that matches the gospel we preach.

Making it Practical

In my personal life, I have found that the best way to not give up or to endure is to make sure that I am intentionally preaching the gospel or making disciples. When I am involved in ministry I automatically spend more time connecting with God. When I am serving, interacting with others, teaching, helping, I become more aware of my need of God and of the needs of those around me. It takes the focus away from me and my needs and my woes, and focuses my energies and resources on what I can do for the benefit of another.

The best way to make sure your faith in Jesus is strong is to be involved in ministry. To actively look for ways to help others learn about Jesus, to expose the world to the gospel. What can you do to reveal to others God’s great love for them and the plan of salvation?

I would love to read in the comments sections what are some things you are willing to do this week that will facilitate the sharing of the gospel in your sphere of influence.

[kylieryanette]

Life and Decisions

I want to start this blog by apologizing for the delay. We took my son on vacation for his birthday and it took a very big toll on me. I was in flare up for a little over a week and basically just slept the entire time as my blood pressure was hovering around 80/50 and my pulse was struggling to get above 50. These flare ups take a lot out of me, but thankfully I have a wonderful family, son, boyfriend, and best friend who all helped to take care of me and made sure I was ok. Thankfully I was able to pull out of it on my own and I didn't have to go to the ER for fluids this time, progress! So, I've talked a lot about Dirk's side of the family, so I'd like to introduce you to my mother's side.

My grandmother, Carlene, grew up in Bloomfield, IA and was an honors english teacher for years. She passed away on June 24th, 2019, after fighting a thoracic aneurysm. She married my grandpa, Phil, on Christmas day 1965, right before he was deployed to Vietnam. Grandpa was also raised in Bloomfield. They had 3 children, my mom, my aunt Trisha, and finally, their son, Chad (you will find out why I refuse to call him "uncle" later in my blog). They grew up very poor, but full of family love and friendship. Everyone got together for birthdays, holidays, and when we moved to Bloomfield, we would have family dinners on Sundays. It was during this time that I met a lot of the people who would influence my life and decisions later in life. One of these people would have more of an impact than I could even imagine.

I met Austin Owen when I was 3 months old, right after he was born. Our mother's were best friends in high school, and she dated his uncle, Michael, all throughout her high school years. We were also around his paternal family, the Finneran's, quite often during my first few years of life. We would reconnect during the summer between my 6th and 7th grade years, at 12 years old, and we fell in love that summer. A love that would not let go until April 2020, at age 32, 20 years. When we moved back to Bloomfield in December 2002, we decided that we would be together, and we were, for about a year. He broke up with my right before homecoming 2003, and right after my life started to really unravel.

In October 2003, we lost our home in Glenwood, IA to a complete loss fire. Dirk had still been staying there during the week as both of our labradors, Lacy and Drake, were still there and he was still working in Omaha. He had been in Bloomfield that weekend, and the fire happened late Sunday night, after he had gotten home and gotten to bed. Thankfully, the dogs were able to wake him up and alert him of the fire. This should have been the end, but of course, it wasn't. The insurance company refused to pay, and instead, had the fire marshall investigate, and they brought Dirk up on arson and insurance fraud charges, something that would prevent them from getting a mortgage in Bloomfield until the charges were cleared up. This would prove to be the start of the end of my parents marriage.

My mother spent hours upon hours researching, reading the court transcripts and expert reports, doing more work than the lawyers. While she was doing this, Dirk had a girlfriend in Glenwood, and another in Des Moines, which was not anything new as this was a pretty constant thing for him, and he never really tried to hide it, from any of us. At one point, Dirk left while Kaitie and I were at school, draining the bank account, and just disappearing for a while, just to come back a week or so later with gifts, the typical Dirk way of apologizing without actually saying "I'm sorry". Right after this incident came the final straw for my mother. She and Dirk were in a verbal altercation in the living room of our rental house on N. West street in Bloomfield. I was in my bedroom trying to drown out the noise, until I heard Dirk say "you're a fucking cunt". That was it, I was DONE! I came out of my room, pissed as hell, and proceeded to chuck the remote control at his head. I missed, my aim for throwing was never any good. He came barreling at me and I ran into my bedroom, slamming my door behind me. He ripped my door off, pinned me down on my bed, all 120lbs of me underneath his hulking 250+lbs body. He had my by the throat with one hand and his other he had drawn back into a fist, I braced myself for what was coming. Thankfully, my mother came in screaming at him that she was going to call the police. She actually had to insert herself between his fist and me. He released my throat after what seemed like forever, and walked out of the front door. I remember having to remind myself to breathe, as I had been holding my breath during the entire altercation. I cried, she cried, we cried together on my bed holding each other, another bullet thankfully missed because of the quick actions of my mother.

Shortly after this, I started dating a man named Brock. He was smart, funny, and athletic, which is what I wanted at that time. I was so excited to have him meet my family, as Dirk had been back for a couple of days. I brought Brock into the front door and was greeted by mom and Dirk sitting on the couch, Dirks bags and suitcases all packed and ready to go. The first and only thing Dirk said was "I'm leaving", I turned to Brock and said "This is my family", not sure whether to be sad, embarrassed, happy, I had so many emotions flowing through me, it was a lot for my 17 year old mind to process in that instant. Even though I had been miserable, I had always feared being a "statistic", being in a divorce situation, splitting holidays (which turned out to never be an issue), having step-parents/siblings. What would life look like now? How would we do being on our own? He wasn't going to stick around Bloomfield, he made that perfectly clear. He ended up moving to Des Moines, in with a woman who he was proud to have "turned" from being a lesbian to being with him, *insert eye roll here*. He was also seeing a woman named Dawn, from Glenwood during this time. This would be the last time we would all be together under the same roof as a "family".

After Dirk left for good, mom took a job at the local newspaper so that she could be around more and could continue coaching us and being there for everything. This took a huge financial toll on her, and I had gotten my CNA during my junior year in high school, so I got a job at the local care center, working 2-10 on weekends and making around $12/hr, which was amazing for a high school kid. I tried to pay for anything I wanted beyond the essentials. My aunts Jodi and Gina, were gracious enough to pay for my senior pictures, class ring, and graduation materials, as we could not afford it. I continued to maintain my 4.3 GPA, remained active in all of my activities, clubs, choir etc. I took a lot of college classes my junior and senior year, graduating high school as a first semester sophomore in college. I was a very busy kid, but it kept my mind busy so I didn't have to deal with the mental and emotional pain, the physical pain from my medical conditions was still plaguing me, but I'd always been told to "rub some dirt in it and walk it off", so that's the approach I took to every aspect of life. Much easier said than done. I made some horrible decisions during this time.

My last year of high school and first year of college were a big party that included drinking, a lot, smoking pot when I could, smoking cigarettes, sneaking out, and sleeping around trying to find love and connection in anyone I could. I hated myself for a long time because of these decisions, decisions that I have now forgiven myself for because I know where they came from. No, I AM NOT condoning these actions, I'm just giving myself some grace, something I struggled with for years and years. Grace is such a powerful thing, not only to receive, but to give as well. It is amazing how much you can achieve when you learn about grace and its impact in your life. Grace saved me, and it continues to save me every day.

[peggyfromtheblockk]

Get to Know the Blogger

Hey! So, I’ve realized aside from a few comments here and there, I haven’t really talked on here at all! This sad thought made me realize it was time to share a lot of unnecessary stuff so maybe you can get a basic--detailed--idea of who I am. So here’s a bunch of word vomit and feel free to come talk to me, I promise I’m a lot nicer than a lot of my answers make me seem lol

Name: You can call me E.

Age: 20

Zodiac sign: Aries

Height: 5’7

Languages spoken: English but I do remember a few random words of Spanish

Nationality & Location: American and Michigan

Work: Currently working in the infant room at a daycare

Favorite fruit: Blueberries

Favorite scent: Lavender, vanilla, or apple

Favorite animal: I really love otters and llamas

Favorite fictional character: Dana Scully of course (though, I do have a soft spot for Stella Gibson)

Favorite candy: KitKat’s but currently I’ll devour almost any chocolate given to me

Favorite holiday: Christmas and Halloween. But probably Halloween more because I love the prep and the actual day, whereas I just really love the prep for Christmas

Favorite season: I really like autumn because my hometown and college towns are so beautiful but I love spring because I love everything coming back to life

Favorite Social Media? Twitter, but like, stan twitter

Favorite thing about where you live? I just love that I have some of my favorite people within literal minutes of me. It’s a really comforting feeling. And we have a fair every year which is gross but entertaining at the same time

Favorite swear word? Probably shit, but fuck and damn do escape quite often

What are you listening to:  As of right now When I Kissed The Teacher from MM2

What Books Are You Reading? I have three books I haven’t finished and haven’t touched in like two months. We, Beaches, and Yes Please

What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed? Around 1 in the morning usually

What Makes You Happy? A lot of things, though I don’t always realize that. I’m usually an “It’s the little things” person too. BUT to answer, Gillian and msr never fail to make me happy

What Are You Craving Right Now? I could smash a plate of spaghetti right now

What Is Your Gender? Female (she/her pronouns)

What Is Your Sexuality? Bisexual but I’m definitely like 85% women, 15% men

What’s The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? MAMMA MIA 2 IM SO EXCITED

What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? I’m a sucker for blue eyes

What Do You Wear To Bed? A tee and shorts usually but if I’m in The Mood I’ll wear just a tee (Yes, That Mood)

What Sounds Are Your Favourite? I love the sound of a campfire and babies laughing or babbling literally melts my heart

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Usually, their eyes but I’m drawn to those with a bright genuine smile

What’s something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Being With My People. They never fail to make me feel warm and fuzzy. Also when I get a cute little note from my favorite professor on an assignment because she is like the light of my life  

What are your hobbies? When I’m not in school I like to read and I’m able to write some. During school, you can find me watching x files, sleeping, or enjoying movies or music

What’s your favorite book? I love anything by Laurie Halse Anderson and really anything in the YA genre

What inspires you? Gillian is really inspiring to me because of all the work she does to help others. Bette Midler too

What’s your favorite place in the whole world? well, ok. So, I love Mackinac Island because it’s so beautiful and peaceful (even with thousands of tourists covering the tiny location) but I also just love when I’m with my people. When I’m with one of My People wherever we are, that’s my favorite place because I’m really happy. Also, I really love my work because nothing exists outside those four walls except the babies I take care of

What do you typically have for breakfast? A big cup of coffee and the occasional bagel or bowl of cereal

What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? The first semester of my sophomore year I had this 60-70 page case study due for the end of the term for an education class. For at least a week I would stay up until about 5 am working on it, go to sleep, get up at 7:30 am and do it all over again. That’s been my most stressful and sleep deprived time of my life so far and just looking bad makes me shudder. At least I got a 99% on it

What makes you angry? A lot of things. Let’s not get into that.

What makes you nervous? Uh, everything. But thinking about the real part of my future (bills, working, adulting) really gets me going

Do you wear glasses: Yes and these specific frames fucking suck and my eyes keep getting worse (my doctor told me I’d need surgery before I turned 30, wtf thanks dude)

Do You Have Freckles? Yes and it used to bother me how many I have but thanks to fics that mention Scully’s, I’ve become fond of them

Do You Sing In The Shower? When my family or suitemates aren’t home, then yes I usually belt it all out but usually, I stick to humming

Do You Collect Anything? Postcards and shot glasses. And llama things now too apparently

Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean? Pool because it’s clean and I can see the bottom

Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? It depends on the subject or the task but I almost always need some type of constant sound

Do You Save Money Or Spend It? Save it usually but I also tend to spend it all on a big impulse purchase

Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? That’s why I’m here lmao

Do You Have Strange Dreams? Alright so I just started taking Zoloft and before it, my dreams would be weird but like unrealistic-weird, like having-a-bad-trip-weird. But since starting the med, my dreams have become realistically-weird, like sometimes I wake up and question if that all really happened

Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning? When I’m at school, yes, but when I’m home I usually just say fuck it because I’ll be back in it at least 8 more times

Do You Like To Read / Write? I love to read (fics, duh) but I do try my hand at writing but I struggle to finish anything and I’m terrified to post any of my work on here

Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About? YES and it’s just barely halfway into summer break and I’ve got a huge assignment due the first day back

Do You Get Homesick? Sometimes but I really do love my college life and wouldn’t change it

Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More? A mix but because of work, jeans most days

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Sarcasm is my middle name

Do you believe in miracles? Yeah I think so

Do you have any special talents? I don’t think so but I’m good at taking care of kids. Sometimes my supervisor calls me the baby whisperer lol

Do you have any pets? Three cats and a dog and some succulents

Do you have any siblings? A little (half) brother and then technically I have four other half-siblings but they don’t know I exist

Do you believe in the paranormal? Absolutely. A big secret of mine….I actually could, and sometimes still can interact with spirits...Just call me Mrs. Spooky

Do you play any instruments? Nope but somehow I have managed to have a guitar and a keyboard in my possession. I do sing though and was in choir for 7 years

Do you have any crushes? Do celebrities or fictional characters count? If no, then no

Do you have any bad and/or anxious habits? I just have panic attacks a lot lmao and I tend to get really bitchy and mean when I’m anxious which I feel bad about but I can’t stop it

Do you believe in anything enough to fight for it? My right to marry whoever I want and have kids with whoever I want and be in control of my body. There’s probably more but those have been on my mind today

Do you keep a journal? Yeah a few actually but I lose motivation after a little bit and it takes so much to start it over

Do you like your age? Yes and no. I’m an adult which is cool and all but like….most of my friends are old enough to drink and it really pisses me off that I’m 9 months short of legally doing that. I’m super responsible and mature for my age like what will 9 months do to change that? It’s just stupid that I can join the military and go thousands of dollars into debt but I can’t have a glass of wine with my mom at a block party. UGH. American laws  S U C K

Do you like your own name? Yes, I love my name. When I was a kid I hated it, I didn’t get the sentiment of being named after someone. I finally got the sentiment around the time my grandma started getting sick. Now that she’s gone, I know just how blessed I am to carry on the legacy of my full name and try to make her proud.

Do you have any scars? Oh plenty, I’m really clumsy. My most notable is the one on my thumb from a freak childhood accident that nearly cut my entire thumb pad off. What a wild time

Do you have a strong accent? I’m from Michigan so apparently, I have a strong Midwestern accent but I don’t hear it. But anytime I’m on the phone/skyping with my friend from Missouri, she always points it out and laughs

Do you talk to yourself? Probably too much but also not in the way that I think is expected. I’m just constantly talking in my head like a constant tv interview about whatever the fuck I’m thinking about which 99% of the time is msr lol

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: All of the above

Beer or wine or neither: W I N E

When was your blog created: I knew this was the place to find the best gifs and fics and I wanted to be in the fandom more since I’m so new. Also, I wanted to try my hand at fic writing but I continue to lose the motivation or the courage to write/post

Last movie you’ve seen: Hotel Transylvania is pretty much on repeat in my house thanks to my little brother, so most likely it’s that

First job: My first job was customer service/field hand on a blueberry patch but my first legit legal job is/was at a daycare

Pet peeve: The first I can think of is slow walkers because I walk so fast because my legs are like a mile long

The color of your eyes: Green but they used to be giant sky-blue saucers

Night owl/day person: I don’t like getting up before 9 but past midnight I’m a grouch

Tattoos:  None yet, but I have two planned, it’s just a matter of money and timing

Like to cook: Not really but I can cook enough to survive which is typical for college

Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 20 Give the last two lines: “Action: Today I will be kind to myself. Affirmation: This is who I am, and I feel glad to be me” - We

Last Person You Cried In Front Of? I cried while holding a baby at work because my shift is changing so things will be different and also my hormones are really out of whack right now

If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? Any shade of purple

Name One Movie That Made You Cry: Beaches is my go-to crying movie, same goes for Steel Magnolias (what a typical answer, I know)

If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be? Cher, Reba, DD, Bette Midler or Straight No Chaser. Reba especially though because she’s going to be near me soon but it's a 21+ event and I’m nine months short of that so I’m really pissed I can’t go

Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Carve pumpkins but I do a damn good job wrapping too

Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? I loved it even though it made me sick. There’s a park down the street from my campus so if I’m really upset, I’ll go down there and blast my headphones and swing until I forget what’s happening. It’s really therapeutic

Name Something That Relaxes You: I have some relaxing instrumental playlists and I’ll put one of them on, turn on my lavender oil diffuser, and hop in a nice hot shower (and the hot water at college doesn’t run out so I can pretty much be in there for like ever really) or I’ll watch a fav movie that tends to soothe me

Scary movie or happy endings? Happy endings give me life. The fluffier the better

When was the last time you cried? I’m sure I’ve cried today and just don’t remember. There’s literally not a day that goes by that I don’t shed tears but I literally cry so easy (This video or this video will make me cry almost instantly)

Where would you like to visit? I’ve wanted to visit Barcelona and California since I was a kid but in the past 4 years I’ve really wanted to visit New York and Greece

Describe your favorite people in the whole world? I’ll just sum all five of them up with they literally make me feel so warm, happy, and validated. I love them so much I could cry just thinking about them. And don’t get me started with Gillian because I do often cry when I think  about her I just really love her a lot ok

Who would be your ideal partner? Gillian Anderson, Dana Scully, or Fox Mulder of course. No, but I want someone who’s like me morals/humor wise

Most used phrase? Right now I’m really into saying “Yikes” but “god fucking dammit” leaves my mouth A LOT

Most used word? Probably “like” as much as I hate to admit it

Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert 100% except when I’m with My People of course because I feel comfortable with them

Who was your first real crush? I had plenty of crushes during early school years but I think my first real one was on a school employee. Wowza I was head over heels for her and the very obvious knew-it-was-coming heartbreak hurt a lot

How many piercings do you have? Just my first holes in my ears but I’ve been thinking about getting my Helix pierced (upper portion of the ear)

How do you deal with stress? Uhhhh I panic first lol. I tend to listen to music—very specific songs that I know will drown out the anxiety/stress, or sometimes I’ll write what I’m feeling, go for a walk, read an absolute favorite fic in my list, watch x files, or I’ll just scroll through my thousands of pictures of GA lol

How many pillows do you sleep with? Three, sometimes four and then I have four accent pillows when I make my bed. Too many, as I’ve been told by everyone

Have you ever been to the hospital? Been to? Yes, plenty of times. Been in/admitted? No, thankfully

Have you ever met any celebrities? In 2016 I went to a rally for Hillary that Cher was speaking at so like…I was in the same room as her. AND THEN my friend shoved me up to her path as she was leaving and she touched my hand and I literally nearly passed out

Have you ever been in a position of authority? I am always deemed the mom friend so I’ll let you figure out that answer...

Have you ever drank underage? Yeah but nothing crazy. I just really like my wine. The craziest I’ve ever gotten was after I turned in that case study, I chugged half a bottle of wine (on an empty stomach), got bad heartburn, and then went to bed for like 14 hours

Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? Depends on the person, but I’d have to say no unless it’s Gillian/Scully/Stella

Are You A Picky Eater? I say yes, but compared to my brother and my uncle, no

Are You A Heavy Sleeper? Usually yes

Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? Just my momma, but I do see my *gag* father around my hometown every now and again

Are you religious? Not really. I used to go to church a few years back, and then went to another church which ruined a lot of stuff for me and then I went through some tough stuff that made me question, idk

Are you a good liar? I like to think so (I say that as if lying is something I should be proud of), at least to everyone but my mom because I swear I can pull off the best lie ever and she always sees right through me

Are you a clean or messy person? My home life is messy. My room is trashed but the things that are put away are organized. But life at college is completely opposite, my dorm is very clean and organized and I clean it top to bottom every weekend

If you made it this far, thank you for putting up with my crazy long first post, and I’m sorry that I practically vomited my thoughts into a jumbled mess but I wanted to share myself with you! 

[savrenim]

Hey! Not sure if you answered this before, but what was your academic journey to grad school? Like in highschool did you take AP? Act/Sat? Did you need like A grades to get into college/uni? How's your undergrad years! What was your undergrad? If it's too personal/time consuming then you don't need to answer 🌸 but it would be really appreciated if you do! Good luck with all your studies! PS. I find kinship in the random anons on your blog. IDK why, but I guess it's like being in an egg carton.

No it’s fine, mostly my….academic journey is an outlier? like, it is by far above and beyond the things you need to succeed and get into grad school, and I have a lot of friends who didn’t have any sort of GPA or history like mine who are doing really well in grad school and have gotten into really good places.

I was a straight A student in grammar school and middle school; by the time I was in 8th grade, we got % grades instead of A, B, C, and I had a 99.875% but only because the 99 in math came from the fact that the teacher believed only Jesus was perfect so he didn’t give 100’s. My real percentage in math I believe was close to a 105, because I’d done a lot of extra credit.

I went to a private high school as well, pretty much entirely on scholarship, because my parents were paranoid about quality of education where I lived and I could. I tested out of Geometry despite the fact that I hadn’t taken it by bugging said 8th grade math teacher to give me a 2-month crash course, and then taking the Geometry Honors final from the prior year and getting….I think an 87? either way, it was enough to get me out of the course. I took AP classes the moment that I was allowed to; over my high school career, I took AP US History, AP European History, AP English Literature, AP English Language, and AP Calculus BC. I got 5’s on all of them. I also took the ACT and got 35/36 (and similar scores on all the subject tests…I think 1 34, counterbalanced by a 36?), although the ACT never really mattered to places I was applying. I was the closest thing our (non-competitive) fencing team had to a captain. I was in choir, and sometimes took on solo performances. I played fairly substantial roles in the musical every year. I also wrote a full draft of a novel that…I’ve still got, actually, and am trying to turn into an actual novel. I got straight A’s; I think my weighted GPA at the end of my high school career was a 4.63? 4.0 unweighted.

I’m also a high school dropout. Technically. But that was because I applied to college a year early, got in, got full scholarship, and the college said that they didn’t need a high school diploma or GED from me, so I went “peace” and then left home to go to college.

there was family drama going down at the same time and this was more a move to escape a hella abusive environment than me actually caring about going to college early, although also at the time I’d taken all of the math and physics classes my school had to offer, and didn’t want to spent senior year bored.

My first two years of college were fairly difficult for me because I was not aware of the fact that I was bipolar and started having more and more severe manic and depressive episodes, culminating in being hospitalized a week during spring semester of my sophomore year. You would not be able to tell any of this from my transcripts; while I was no longer getting straight A’s, it had gone down to an A- a semester, and I think a single B somewhere in there; my overall cumulative GPA was a 3.85. Still, I wasn’t particularly happy where I was at because it was small, in the middle of nowhere, and I’d just been through hell and wanted to start fresh, so I took my AA with highest distinction and applied to a whole bunch of transfer schools. I decided to go to the single one that gave me enough financial aid for that to be feasible.

(I am not going to say what my undergrad was, because I don’t like to post any sort of information on the internet that is specific enough for people to track me down. It was a very nice liberal artsy place.)

I stayed there for three years, as a combination of I wanted time to recover, I knew that I wanted to get into a hardcore serious graduate school and thus wanted professors to know me a lot better so that they could write letters of recommendation, and I wanted to properly joint-major in math and physics and needed the time to fit all of the classes in my schedule so that it would be slightly less hellish. Like, there was a semester where I was taking Real Analysis, Complex Analysis, Classical Mechanics, and Modern Physics — with a lab — and acting as a course tutor/ta for Dynamical Systems all at the same time. I wasn’t really “taking it easy.” But eh, whatever. I got straight A’s in every single math class I took, and I think….one B in physics, and a couple of A-’s sprinkled in sometimes, but otherwise straight A’s. I did research during the summers, published three papers in both math and physics, and presented at two conferences. And thus got into a couple pretty good grad schools and some nice fellowship offers and actually got to make a choice and I could not be happier with the place that I ended up.

Which, like, absolutely everything about my life story is so much overkill, please do not try to be like me, not only is it not necessary but it literally nearly killed me sometime in the middle there.

[monotonemanday]

Star Crossed Entertainers - Part 4

Y’all ready for some back story? Also ANGSTFEST. I wrote this part several different times, several different ways and hooooo boy, it was a trip. In order to set everything in place so we can get back to some gorgeous musical actors and hot ass business men, this part is pretty damn lengthy. Also Surprise. Someone else is joining this series. :)

TRIGGER WARNING: It honestly isn’t a whole lot but there is abusive language and mention of sexual assault and attempted rape. 

Soft sunlight was peaking into the lounge through the sheer black curtains as Samantha made her way to the entry way of the apartment where her and Kaeli piled their shoes that they wore the most. She was already showered and dressed. She was wearing full length black leggings that had a leather panel on the outer sides from the waist band to the ankle, a blush colored tank top and a black bomber jacket that had a salmon and cream colored floral pattern. She grabbed her boots and sat on the step that connected the entryway to the lounge. First the left, then the right. She slipped the black boots up to her knees and began to lace them up. A long process. Once she had the bows double knotted she stood up and decided she would open the curtains at the far window. On her way to the window she noticed that Kaeli had fallen asleep on the couch. She must have been worried last night and fell asleep without putting herself to bed. Samantha grabbed the throw blanket off the back of the couch and went to lay it on Kaeli when she stopped and let out a sigh. Kaeli was using one of her t-shirts as a nightgown again. Butt head. Laying the blanket down on the sleeping beauty, Sam made her way to the kitchen where she sat on the cushions in the bay window. Her favorite spot. Her legs stretched out in front of her, crossed at the ankles, she stared looking out the window, watching the sunrise out over the city, then looking back at her roommate. No. Her best friend. And she thought about everything that had led up to this very morning.

They had been friends since they were 5 years old. Best friends. On the very first day of school they were drawn to each other. None of the other kids were too keen on being with them because one was the size of a toddler and the other was the size of a 5th grader. There difference in size brought them together but it turns out they had the same sense of humor and outgoing personalities. Kismet. All of the other jerks kids hadn’t wanted to be their friends but once the two were together they became a dynamic duo. The two were the same but also couldn’t be more of polar opposites. They were both outgoing and well liked. They weren’t popular or wealthy but they knew everyone and everyone knew them. Kaeli wasn’t very studious but she was very active in the student body. Events, festivals, dances, she was apart of it all. Samantha was in every performing arts class there was. Marching band, jazz band. wind ensemble. She was involved in choir, musical theatre, and  drama with Kaeli as well. She played 5 different instruments. She never thought she would spend her school days like that but it was just so natural to her once she started. She was like an entertainment machine and also held perfect grades.

Kaeli reached her maximum height of 4 feet 11 inches her freshman year of high school. She was adorable and no one could resist her colorful laugh and big dimples when she smiled. Despite her being as cute as a button she was a huge flirt. It radiated from within her. It was like a disease. Usually she was unaware she was even flirting and it got her into trouble. By senior year she had won the titles of Homecoming Queen, Winterfest Queen, and Prom Queen. She didn’t necessarily dress overly feminine but she was always in pink, pastels, and soft patterns. Her family wasn’t necessarily wealthy but she lived very comfortably. It was just her parents, herself and a couple of dogs. She didn’t have any extended family. Her mother came from a family of wealth and power but her father did not. Neither sides of the two families were accepting of the other and disowned the couple, therefore denying Kaeli’s existence entirely when she was born. That’s why when her parents died in a plane crash senior year she was taken in by Samantha who had been on her own for awhile. Kaeli had a huge heart and she used it far more often than her brain. She was too trusting and opened up too easily. This led to her often being taken advantage of in friendships and even to some abusive relationships. But she always had Sammy.

Samantha was 6 feet tall by her junior year of high school and she still had growing pains. Slow down Shaq. She was intimidating but she had beautiful eyes and she was so expressive and goofy, people were drawn to her. Everyone knew her as outspoken and sarcastic but she also had an undeniable warmth that made people feel like they could open up to her about anything and everything. Gross. By senior year she had directed 4 plays, starred in 6 musicals and even put together a sketch comedy show that the school made apart of their homecoming celebration each year. She dressed in lots of muted colors. Olive, tan, navy, maroon, mustard. She had developed a very fashion forward style her sophomore year. Up until then she had dressed like an absolute tomboy. Usually skinny jeans, converse and a t-shirt, or overalls and baseball hats. She didn’t have much money and she worked at a bakery for income. Samantha didn’t have a family. She never knew her parents and she only had a sister who was 20 years older than her. When she was about 8 her sister had started a family and Sam felt like a burden so she had runaway. She was fending for herself until someone had taken her in. Someone not much older than her, but who had already mastered the art of living without a family. At 17 when she started working at the bakery the elderly couple who owned the business let her rent out an apartment upstairs and when Kaeli lost her parents the elderly couple gladly accommodated Sam getting a roommate. Samantha was loved by many and although she was never cold, she didn’t like people. She did not trust others and never let anyone in. That’s how she was raised. No one knew that she didn’t want people too close and she never held a relationship. She was constantly dumping guys for trying to get too close to her. The only person she ever let in was Kaeli.

Kaeli begin to stir in her sleep and Samantha looked her way. 

“Kay?” The small blonde shot up.

“...damn. My neck hurts. You’re up already? And you’re dressed?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go visit my old babysitter.” Both girls chuckle.

“You shouldn’t call him that Sammy. He basically made you who you are today. Plus, he actually is a babysitter now.” The blonde laughed even harder.

Samantha shot off a text message and stood up from her seat at the window. grabbing her keys off the kitchen island counter she glides over to the closet by the entry way and pulls out a sparkly silver helmet.

“Hey, no way! You’re not taking your bike! If I can’t ride one, you can’t drive one.”

Sam tucked the helmet under her left armpit and reached for the doorknob, looking behind her she met Kaeli’s yelling with a steady tone. “And you did ride one. So after this we’ll be even.”

“HOW DID YOU KNOW?!”

“Lee texted me when you left the theatre.” And with that she was out the door.

BBBZZZZTTT BBZZZZZTTT ~ 2 texts and now someone was calling but he couldn’t hear the phone over the vacuum. His ponytail rapidly swinging back and forth trying to keep up with how fast he was moving. Suddenly there was extremely loud banging on the door. He turned off the hoover and reached around to his back where his taser was tucked into his pants.

“OPEN THE DOOR DICKHEAD!”

The man looked through the doors peep hole and swung it open rapidly. 

“I swear one day I’m actually going to tase your obnoxious ass. Get in here. Geez...who raised you?”

“Uhhhmmm, that would be you.” The tall brass haired brat walked into the house and flopped down on the couch propping her feet up on the coffee table.

The man knocked her feet off with a swift slap.

“Get your dirty boots off my clean surfaces.”

“Easy Vanhelsing. There isn’t a spec of dust in this place.”

You could see the man growing more irritable. “I’m not a vampire. That’s not my name. And it’s not about mess, it’s about manners.”

Vanderwood. The man was a grade A bad ass with a passion for Fabreeze and Lysol wipes.

“If you came here just to be a brat, you could have waited until Christmas.”

Vanderwood waited for a snarky response from the woman but he was met with her looking defeated.

“Samantha, what is it.” His tone turned exponentially serious.

“I just came to ask you one thing. If Kaeli and I need to get out of here in the near future...would you be able to help me with that?”

Vanderwood. He joined the agency when he was 16. Tired of dealing with his family and no one recognizing he was superior to them in everyway, he signed a contract of employment with them. He was 2 years in. Now about 18 and progressing fast within the ranks of the agency. One day he was doing some recon on some local thugs when he heard a commotion in a near by alleyway. He saw 3 adult men, cornering a girl. The girl wasn’t small but she could only have been in elementary school. He figured he should intervene when he started to hear smacks, and punches. Cries of pain, but what the bloody hell? The screams were coming from the dudes. Who is this 8 year old and how is she kicking the asses of these GROWN men! With the dumbasses subdued he spoke to the girl. He learned that she was on her own and she was actually the one that picked a fight with them. He didn’t know why he did it and to this day he still doesn’t know what compelled him but he offered to take her under his wing. And for whatever reason, which he also didn’t understand, this little girl trusted him, and accepted. He became her guardian and he was honestly excited to have a "mini me”. He had bought her clothes and taught her the basics of living. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, cleaning, fighting, cleaning, manners, cleaning, studying, CLEANING. He didn’t know how a little girl was supposed to dress, he had never been one. So she usually went to school in overalls, sneakers, and a backwards baseball cap with her hair in two loose braids. She usually was covered in band aids and 90% of the time one was on her face. This girl was a fighter but she was clumsy as hell. She was constantly getting cuts and bruises due to her own carelessness but according to Vanderwood, pain didn’t exist. He was constantly telling her to ignore others because hurt feelings didn’t really matter, and not to trust anyone because you never know who could be after you. Falling down and being clumsy or getting hurt were no excuse to show weakness. Every time he helped her put a band aid on he would say things like “Never let boys see you bleed.” or “Never show someone how deep a cut is!” He didn’t know that all this strength and fight he was trying to implant in her was going to lead her into brandishing her own vigilante justice. She was constantly getting in fights outside of school. Trying to beat up bullies or even trying to go after muggers. He had to have a stern talk with her about what was morally right and wrong for a little girl and why her rules were different than his, being a trained assassin, big boy. He was glad she had Kaeli to balance her out and calm her down.

By the time the smart ass brat Samantha was a senior in high school she had gone from constantly trying to kick everyone’s ass on the streets, to simply just knowing how to defend herself and Vanderwood was actually glad that she was leading a pretty normal life. When she was 17 he let her fly away from his mama bird nest and get her own job and apartment. Good. It would keep her away from his line of work. That was until after she graduated. Kaeli was planning on moving away for a performing college program and Samantha came to Vanderwood with a request. She was planning on cutting all ties with Kaeli while she was gone and asked Vanderwood to get her training with the agency. No. He didn’t want that kind of life for this girl he had known to be so bright, and talented. Fun loving and carefree. Sure he had accidentally made it so that she didn’t trust people and didn’t form close relationships out of concern for others safety. And she was incredibly skilled and intelligent. The agency could really use someone like her but he just didn’t want that for her. A life of solitude. She was stubborn and determined so he agreed to get her training, but with two conditions. It would only be for a year and she would only take the training courses that he picked and she had to keep in contact with Kaeli. Her best friend.

Samantha had started her year of training before the official application process to get into the same agency that Vandy had joined when he was 16. Due to Vanderwoods terms of her training she was in contact with Kaeli while she was away for her college program. But Samantha still intended to disappear with the agency once the year was over. It’s not that she didn’t want to be around Kaeli anymore, it’s that she didn’t want Kaeli being around her. She believed that she was destined to be alone and not deserving of having normal relationships. Her parents never wanted her, her sister didn’t want her, and until she had met Kaeli and Vanderwood, people had only ever seen her as a threat. She was dangerous. But she didn’t realize it until a week before they graduated high school.

Reagan. He was popular, good looking, wealthy, obnoxious, a real douche. Samantha didn’t like his attitude or how he treated people. So she was extra irritated when Kaeli started dating him. It wasn’t long into their relationship that Samantha knew he wasn't a good person. He quickly became obsessed, possessive and controlling. Kaeli brushed it off. Classic Kaeli. She had let herself be treated like this before and it always took Samantha to snap her out of it, but this time she couldn’t be snapped. Samantha didn’t know it but Kaeli was afraid of Reagan. He had became abusive but she tried her hardest to hide it from Sam. She didn’t want to admit she was in over her head and she was afraid of what Sam might do. One day Kaeli was taking off her sweater and her shirt had lifted up. That’s when Samantha saw bruising all over her torso.

“He’s fucking dead.”

“Sammy please, no. Don’t do anything rash and get yourself in trouble. He’s coming over tonight and I’m going to break it off with him. That way I’ll have a clean break after we graduate and I can move with no strings attached.”

Samantha was seeing red, she didn’t have any words and knew that she wasn’t going to be able to have a rational conversation so she went downstairs to the bakery and started her shift. A couple hours past and as she was closing up the bakery Sam was greeted by Reagan. He looked at her and made no attempt to say hello. He went right upstairs to the apartment. Samantha went back to locking up. 5 minutes later she heard shouting and something had slammed onto the floor. Her mind went blank and her eyes dazed over, it was like she blacked out. Her body was possessed. She ran upstairs as fast as her legs would take her and threw open every door with excessive force. The shouting had stopped and she couldn’t see anyone in the immediate area. That’s when she heard crying. Soft sobbing from Kaelis room and then...grunting. She ran to the bedroom door and tried the handle but it was locked. Rapidly jiggling the handle she slapped the door with an open palm again and again.

“OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!”

“FUCK YOU!”

“SAM HELP ME!”

Smack. “Shut the fuck up.” The slap echoed throughout the entire apartment.

The adrenaline took over her whole body and Samantha stepped back and then lunged her right shoulder at the door, breaking the lock and pushing it open. Reagan was on top of Kaeli and his pants were around his ankles. Samantha grabbed him by his hair and threw him against the wall. His skull made a loud smacking noise and his eyes glazed over. He slid down the wall, and she grabbed his shirt in her fist and began beating his face with the outer part of her closed fist. Kaeli was crying and screaming. Sam didn’t stop until she realized blood was being splattered across her face. She would have could have killed him. She wiped her forehead, unintentionally smearing blood across it. She turned around. The fear in Kaeli’s eyes. It was because of Reagan but Samantha thought it was because of her. She wrapped a blanket around Kaeli and walked her downstairs. She called Vanderwood who came and cleaned up the mess and got medical attention for the boy. The next day they all acted like it never happened. And that is why she wanted away from Kaeli. What kind of a life was that? She was dangerous.

The year of training went by fast. Samantha had gone through all the courses Vanderwood specified she had to take. Tactical, physical training, espionage, seduction, driving, stealth, and combat. Part of training was doing recon and infiltration of low level crime rings. All candidates were informed that not only the agency but other employers would also be keeping an eye on them. She had made her way into several small mafia branches and mob conglomerates. They mainly used her for shake downs and collections. A lady thug for hire. Beating money and secrets out of desperate scumbags. It was also easy enough making deals without having to beat them to a pulp since a lot of the time the goons were too busy looking her up and down, licking there lips like they were about to scarf down a 3 course meal. At the end of her year she had gone back home and was planning on saying her goodbyes to Kaeli.

The night she planned to say goodbye to Kaeli and submit her official application to the agency they had gone to karaoke. It had been forever since they performed together. They ended up taking over the whole bar, it was no longer karaoke it was a two woman variety show and people were loving it. She was having a blast with her best friend but the entire time she couldn’t help but feel like eyes were on them. Eyes that she couldn’t see. Vanderwood? No these eyes were definitely menacing.

They left the bar and started walking. Trying to sober up a bit. They were laughing and it was just like their carefree days of high school. The sound of metal hit Samantha’s ears and before she could react someone had grabbed her pinning her arms to her back.

“KAELI RUN!”

“GRAB HER, ASSHOLES!”

That voice. It was fucking Reagan.

Samantha whipped her head back as fast as she could and made contact. Her arms were released and she quickly made her way to the two men that were holding on to Kaeli, ripping at her clothes. Sam’s fist flew through the air. Shit. Something had cracked. Her hand or his jaw, one of them was broken. Kaeli shook herself loose and began running to get help when a limo had pulled up and blocked them in. Samantha was throwing punches and dodging them at an incredible rate, she was roundhousing their asses and Kaeli couldn’t believe what she was witnessing. The limo door opened and Sam lost her focused and turned to see who was stepping out of it. That’s when Reagan landed a sold punch right into her stomach. Her body jolted and blood came out of her mouth, then a hand connected with her face. “Fucking freak. Stupid Bitch always in my FUCKING way.” Samantha was on her knees, blood pouring out of a cut above her brow. 

“That’s enough Reagan!” A round stocky woman had stepped out of the limo. “I asked you to retrieve the girls but you decided you were going to do whatever you wanted. I’m sure the boss would love hearing that you damaged his new merchandise” the air was silent and extremely bitter tasting. “Now, ladies, if you would.” The woman gestured to inside of the limo.

“NO WAY!” Kaeli screamed, incredibly defiant. “Do it, Kaeli.” Samantha’s voice was soft but it was firm. The two girls climbed in the limo. Sam knew who this woman was and who she was employed by. Stuff she had learned doing the undercover work for training.

The girls rode in silence and they were let out at a night club. The lights were blinding outside. They were following the round woman with her huge bodyguards on the outside of them. No words were being exchanged. 

“If you'll excuse me for a moment.” The woman broke the silence and walked away. One of the guards gestured for Kaeli to take a seat and the other gestured towards a door off to their left, a bathroom for Sam to clean up in. Splashing water onto her face and trying to scrub the blood off her hands she heard a bit of shouting outside. She turned off the water and wiped her hands with paper towels and opened the door. She looked around. They weren’t in the regular part of the club. They were in a members only VIP area. She didn’t see Kaeli. She panicked. She was running up to everyone asking them if they had seen a tiny blonde woman when finally one man pointed into a room in the back and told her that a couple of men had gone in the room with her. She pounced at the door like a cheetah and kicked it open. She didn’t care what was happening, She just started swinging. There was crashing and yelling, and guests were starting to get concerned. The round woman appeared in the doorway and cleared her throat. The body guards she was with pulled Sam off of the men in the room. “The employer would like to speak to you privately.” Kaeli and Sam both began to follow the woman when she raised her hand. “Just the amazon.” Rude.

“Fine, but she stays with your guards. And Reagan and his ugly ass two bit thugs leave. Now. Or I will kill them.” Her eyes were like hot coals. Sam was serious.

Samantha sat in the lush leather chair and stared at the rich cherry wood desk in front of her. the man sitting at the desk had his tall chair turned around and didn’t even attempt to face her. Sam had her guard up and was on high alert but the man started speaking and got right to brass tax.

“Vanderwood raised a firecracker I see. Intelligent, talented, strong, and a body. All those curves and me with no brakes.” Are you serious right now? “I’ve gone ahead and submitted an application to the agency on your behalf. I also put in a submission for denial to the agency and a request that the application for consideration of employment go to me. So don’t think running to the agency will get you out of this. I was going to make you both my very special VIP package for our best clients. However you have come in here and caused a disturbance. Vandwerwood raised a fighter but he didn’t raise a lady. If you want to act like a brute than you will be one. You will now be my hired gun and your little pixie out there will be my most esteemed call girl. You will be rewarded with very sizable salaries and club privileges. Now get out.”

“No.” Samantha’s voice didn’t waver. Not even for a split second.

“No is not an option, you are now my employee and due to how close you are with that girl she will and already does know too much. So you both are indebted to me. You by contractual obligation and her by threat. If you try to leave , you will both be killed.”

“I’ll do both.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ll be your hired gun and a call girl. She stays away from any part of what goes on with the clients in this club.”

The man was silent. Still facing away from Sam. “Madam, bring her something to type up her terms with.”

20 minutes later and Sam had signed a contract. And all her terms and stipulations were met.

Samantha and Kaeli would be trained in high society, upper class, and etiquette. They would both be available for dates , dinners, and events with the top tier of the elites. Sam would  be awarded business classes and Kaeli would learn Public relations. After a certain amount of time was put in with Kaeli working events and handling all PR and media for the club or scandles for the club and the employer, she wouldn’t have to go on dates anymore. Sam would be a lady goon, and a jazz singer/performer for the club and she would spend nights with clients. Normally most girls would have the choice on whether or not they wanted to sleep with clients but he had told Sam that there would be no exceptions with her. She would bring in top clients and top dollar. She would have opportunity to progress and climb up the ranks.

The madam was impressed with Sam’s sense of business and her courage to try and sacrifice all of her freedom for Kaeli to get away. The madam agreed to help Sam lie to the employer about her sleeping with clients.

Kaeli had worked off her debt and now only had to work PR and media for the club, and Sam had worked her way from all thug duties and had become the clubs “Sparkling Diamond” and a business partner. They made incredibly good money but they kept it to themselves. As far as everyone else was concerned, Kaeli and Samantha were just two strugglers. A struggling actor and a struggling screenwriter/stage manager. The only little slice of a normal life that they had.

“Sam, SAM!”

Vanderwood’s booming voice snapped her out of her thoughts.

“Sorry. Look, it’s nothing too serious right now I just, I got reckless and I may have messed up with he boss.”

“Don’t piss off your employer is one of the first rules I had ever taught you. What on earth would make you jeopardize what you have?”

“I don’t know Van! I was with the C&R director working a party being held in his honor and he is nothing like the chairman and I just thought maybe I could do things my own way. A way that works better and runs smoother and I just...”

“Oh, Sam...don’t tell me. You like the walking ATM.”

“No. I don’t.” She was extremely annoyed by Vanderwoods assumption. She knew better than that.

“No. I respect him as a business man and he has a very kind and insightful soul.”

Sam smirked she knew exactly how to mess with Van.

“And I mean I don’t know...I guess he’s just so...damn...seeexxxxyyy.”

“Stop.”

“I swear he makes my knees weak.”

“Gross.”

“He touched me and I swear my legs started to tremble, What I wouldn't’ give to see his big throb-”

“YOU DON’T TALK LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF ME.”

“Easy, Van. Holster your taser. Listen I just came over to make sure that if something does happen, you have my back.”

“Always.”

The two shared a quick side hug and Samantha made her leave. She had a lot to think about. Good think she took her bike. She was going to zip through the freeways at high speeds to clear her mind.

[toomanysurveys9]

1. Song that always makes you sad? hmm. you should be here by lee brice. it makes me think of my grandma randolph who passed away way too soon and has missed so many aspects of my life she really should be here for. 2. Last thing you bought? i honestly don’t remember - probably food though. 3. Last person you argued with? my mom and sister. it was over something stupid. 4. Do you put Butter before putting the peanut butter on? no. i do not. 5. One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid? i don’t know. i think “angel” was a big one for a long time.

6. Did you ever own at one time a Barenaked Ladies CD? i haven’t. 7. Favorite day of the week? i don’t think i really have a favorite day of the week. i don’t do a whole lot regardless of the day. 8. Favorite Sundae topping? lately i’ve been liking caramel. which is weird. 9. Did you take Piano lessons? i took some in college for one semester, so i know basics about playing. 10. Most frequent song played? i honestly don’t know, and there’s no way to really figure it out.. 11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy? i can’t think of any that i secretly enjoy. i’m pretty open... 12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey? eh. i would suck at both, so neither. 13. Date someone older or younger? older. 14. One place you wish could travel right now? italy. 15. Do you use umbrellas? not usually, no. 16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem? i do not. 17. Favorite Cheese? hmm. i guess colby or whatever. 18. The Smith’s or the Cure? the cure. 19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes? i don’t really have a preference that i’ve noticed. 20. Best job you ever had? eh. adec was probably my most enjoyed, minus some coworkers and the hours. 21. Did you go to your high school prom? i did.. 22. Perfect time to wake up? i prefer not getting up really early. lol. 23. Perfect time to go to bed? probably like... 11. i might be able to get more sleep then.. but i rarely go to bed at 11. lately i haven’t been sleeping until like... 2-3 in the morning. 24. Do you use your queen right away in chess? i don’t play chess. 25. Ever been in a car accident? a few now, yes. 26. Closer to mom or dad…or neither? my mom, for sure. 27. What age is this exciting life over for you? i don’t know. i’m not currently planning my death. 28. What decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager? i don’t know. i’d want to do some more research, but from the top of my head.... going to say 1990′s... 29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned? probably my converse that had broken hearts on them.. 30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school? yeah. i have some from middle school too. lol. 31. Were you in track and field? i was not. i was not in any sports. i did super mileage and choir. 32. Were you ever in a school talent show? i was not. i did one at the public library once though. 33. Have you ever written in a library book? i have not. 34. Allergic to? grass. :/ 35. Favorite fruit? hmm. probably clementines. 36. Have you watched sex and the city? i have not. 37. Baseball hat or toque? toque is a hat with no to a narrow brim.. so a beanie would be an example... and that’s like the hufflepuff hat i wear... soooo... toque. 38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap? shampoo. 39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste? wet the toothbrush, of course. 40. Pen or pencil? i like that you can erase pencil but i prefer writing with pen. 41. Have you ever gambled at a casino? once. right before jacob and i got married, tom and vanessa took us to the casino. they gave each of us $20. i ended up winning $100 on the first game i played, and i stopped. jacob won some, and then lost all of it. 42. Have you thrown up on a plane? i have not. 43. Have you thrown up in a car? that i’m pretty sure i have done. 44. Have you thrown up at work? yeeeah. a couple years ago i went to work with the worst hangover ever and threw up a few times. 45. Do you scream on roller coasters? not really. i mostly sit there with my eyes clenched closed but i kind of like it. 46. Who was your first prom date? i only had one. jacob. 47. Who was your first roommate? i guess chris and ashley. they were the first friends we let live with us for a bit and it was a horrible experience. 48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time? i don’t remember to be honest. 49. What was your first job? mcdonalds. 50. What was your first car? i’ve technically never owned a car... i’ve only ever driven my parents’ vans, cars, or jacob’s cars. 51. When did you go to your first funeral? i was a sophomore in high school i think... for my grandma. 52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? i’ve never got to move away from my hometown yet. soon though. 53. Who was your first grade teacher? mrs. miller. 54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? florida. 55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? i’ve never really done that. 56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? allyson, and not really. we’re friends on facebook but we don’t really talk or anything. 57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parent’s house? i lived at jacob’s mom’s trailer for a week after i turned 18. 58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? i don’t really call anyone. i might text jacob, kayla, or my mom. but i don’t usually call. 59. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen? i have never been a bridesmaid. 60. What is the first thing you do in the morning? make sure wyatt is breathing (it’s a horrible fear of mine because i know a couple people who have lost their babies) and then feed him.. 61. What was the first concert you attended? i honestly don’t remember. either a local band or some country band at the local fair. 62. First tattoo or piercing? piercing: ears when i was a baby. tattoo: shoulder blade when i was 19 with my mom. 63. First celebrity crush? i don’t really remember, to be honest. maybe jesse mccartney?

[chocodeedee]

EDIT: so part 2 is here if anyone wants it?

So it’s hella late where I am right now and I need to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning but I don’t care cuz @smosh-stuff has a musical theatre camp AU going right now and I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE IN MY LIFE

But here’s the thing… I want them to be in a fine arts/performing arts school

Smosh High School for the Performing Arts

So I have some ideas…. Hear me out guys

And this is gonna be loooooooooooong

Lasercorn didn’t really want to be in shows or perform, he was into the technical aspects of theatre

He was very happy in the soundbooth

(actually he was really happy interrupting Joven’s monologues with fart noises and babies crying, or silencing the mics of people who were singing badly or over acting)

(oh and he loved shouting slightly degrading words of encouragement from the back when the directors weren’t looking)

His sound booth also served as a sanctuary during meal breaks as long as NO ONE GOT CRUMBS ON THE BOARD

But they reeeeeeaaaalllllllyyyyy needed some extra soldiers in their production of Aida

And he only had to be in Fortune Favors the Brave

So he agreed assuming that he would hate it… but it was actually really fun?

And their spring musical is going to be Sweeney Todd

He loves Sweeney Todd (maybe just for all the murdering and darkness but who cares)

So he’s sometimes is in the cast, sometimes is in the crew.  When he’s in the show, Joe takes care of sound and everything ends up fine

He;s over all the drama though

If the leads and/or basically anyone gets in a fight during rehearsal he’ll just slink back into the soundbooth and wait it out

But when he chooses to engage it’s intense

He can single handedly shut down a fight by yelling for a few minutes

And as much as everyone loves him, they’re scared to death of him too

Matt Sohinki has no idea what he’s doing at a fine arts school but his parents told him to “broaden his horizons” and suddenly he was enrolled

He liked and was pretty ok at standup comedy, but that was it

He auditioned because it was sort of expected of him

He didn’t expect to actually get in

And suddenly he was in the chorus of Hairspray and it was GREAT

He found that he really liked being in shows, but still likes his standup comedy more

So he doesn’t do every show, just the ones he particularly likes

He serves as an objective person to vent to when things get shitty

He also brings his friends coffee during hell week and makes sure they’re alive and keeping up with their academic school work

Also, he’s a decent dancer, but definitely not trained

He can fake his way through musical choreography but ask him to choreograph and/or dance for anything else? NOPE

Generally speaking he’s just really chill, but sometimes feels like he doesn’t belong with the theatre kids

But he loves performing and his friends and it’s worth it

But he still loves stand up comedy more, sorry y’all

Let’s talk about Joven who actually did music theatre in high school where his stage name was freaking Showtime

Joshua Showtime Ovenshire

This man loves theatre and loves performing with all of his soul

HIS DEDICATION IS OUTMATCHED BY NO ONE

But he’s never the leading man, just the supporting second

Important but doesn’t get the credit he deserves

He’s neve Jean Valjean but Thénardier, not Link Larken cut Corny Collins, not Fiyero but Boq and so on and so forth

This probably frustrates the hell outta him and during hell week the Jovenrage is REAL

But he’d put the good of the show first…. No matter how salty he is that Wes and Shane are the leads AGAIN

Oh Wes, my small child

He’s just really excited about performing

He gets really excited about all art, but music theatre just makes him so happy and excited

And he’s REALLY FREAKING GOOD AT IT

AND HE DOES EVERYTHING

He somehow is able to be in the school choir, show choir, take dance classes and private voice, be the lead in a good chunk of school musicals and pass all of his academic classes with flying colors too

The man just does it all

And he’s so humble that you can’t even hate him for it

He’s funny and gives really good speeches in the green room during circle

But when he gets frustrated it really sucks

He sometimes just shuts people out and tries to memorize lines for hours

He’ll dance himself to exhaustion because he doesn’t think it’s good enough yet

Everyone thinks he’s amazing, and he thinks he has to keep it up at all times

Joven has to remind him that it’s ok to take a break sometimes, and he’s human, he’s not perfect

Shayne freaking Topp love of my life is the other “leading man” of the squad

He’d rather act than sing, but he can do both just fine

He makes a beautiful Link Larken

Just sayin

He’s dedicated to the shows he does, but can’t help but goof off if he thinks no one is looking

And dear lord when Damien transfers in they never get anything done

EVER

But he knows how to get serious when he needs to

He plays all the stereotypical pretty boy roles

He was Warner in Legally Blonde, Link Larkin in Hairspray, Sky in Mamma Mia, Danny Zuko in Grease etc.

He gets frustrated at the real lack of character development and character in his roles

But sometimes it’s fun being shallow, and he does straight shows a lot so he gets to be deep and full of emotions there

His best friends Damien transferred in their sophomore year

It was the worst/best thing to ever happen to the theatre and music theatre departments

Like Shayne, Damien has a set of pipes but he prefers acting

But he’ll do musicals

Those two have incredible onstage chemistry as well as off-stage chemistry

Demien is incredible at physical comedy

He can do any stunt that you can think of for any show that you ask him

If the directors need a character with a great physical presence and comical, they ask Damien to audition

He and Shayne never get anything done together in rehearsal

But somehow they make it work in the end

No one knows how they do it but they’re really glad that they do

Damien just kind of integrated himself into the theatre department and is here to stay now

Also if Shayne won’t play a pretty boy, Damien sure as heck will

Let's talk about Mari

We all know Mari’s home is in the dance studio

Dance is her passion and no one will deny it

And SHE CHOREOGRAPHS FOR ALL THEIR SHOWS

Sometimes she choreographs whole shows and sometimes she just fills in the gaps where she’s needed

But everyone loves and hates her at the same time

Her choreographer looks amazing but everything hurts and you regret your life while doing it

She comes in close to performance time and cleans and if she doesn't like what she sees everyone will die

But when she’s not choreographing she is one of the music theatre departments favorite non-theatre kids

Flitz comes in as a close second though

I don’t think Flitz would want to be in shows at all, but he’s a number one fan

He’s very happy in the dance studio and supports all of his friends and go to all of the performances

He, along with Sohinki, tries to make sure everyone stays alive when things get stressful

He always has a joke to cheer everyone up and acts as another objective person to scream to about the show

He also helps people learn their lines, even if he’s a really bad actor

And that’s all my brain can spill out for now but I have a zillion idea and Noah, Keith, Courtney and Olivia all fit in there somewhere

I’ll be back with more, promise

[religionsinyourlips-archive]

apologies for being so cheesy/obnoxious, but I wanna put this out there.

okay, so I know she (being @taylorswift) will most likely never see this because I’m a small account that hasn’t doesn’t have any friends on here and hasn’t been around for long (my old Taylor account is 4 years old and I haven’t been able to sign into it for about 2 years, RIP), but I just wanted to share this after thinking long and hard about my life so far.

this is really long and I apologize, but I hope it’s worth reading. if not, I apologize.

also, trigger warnings for those who get triggered by mention of self harm, eating disorders, and suicide attempts.

my 21st birthday is a week from tomorrow and I realized while walking my dog earlier this evening that Taylor and her music have been in and such a big part of my life for 11 crazy years. like, I know quite a few of y’all are older than me, but I don’t think I ever really thought about how much of an impact she’s made on me and how I’ve acted about certain situations until now. I know I’m not anything special because so many people have gone through worse things than I have, but I just wanted to share my story. maybe it might help someone, I don’t know.

we’re gonna go through by how each record has impacted my life and helped me through certain shit.

HERE WE GO, Y’ALL.

anyways, Taylor’s music has almost constantly been in my life since Tim McGraw was released as a single. I heard that for the first time in 5th grade because my best friend at the time was (and still is) obsessed  with country music. now, I know Taylor’s not really considered country anymore, but we’ve all heard the debut album, so we know why my best friend at the time (Emily) was obsessed with it. anyways, I wasn’t quite smart enough to truly appreciate Tim McGraw (I was literally nine years old) like I do now, so I just kinda listened to it and lived my life as best as I could. 

things started to change, however, when Teardrops on My Guitar came out. that came out at the beginning of my 6th grade year and as soon as I heard it on the radio, I was hooked. like, 1500000% obsessed. I had this cheap flip phone at the time (yeah, I know, a ten-year old with a phone) and I used it to record that song whenever it came on the radio. since iPods weren’t super popular with the kiddos back then, I listened to it on literal repeat on my phone’s memos when I wasn’t at school or in church or sleeping. I was literally so obsessed. I didn’t really realize until now, but Teardrops on My Guitar really helped me get through this heartbreaking failed crush I had between 5th and 6th grade, so thanks for that Taylor. ANYWAYS. as her other singles from her debut album came out and were played on the radio (Our Song, Picture to Burn, Should’ve Said No), I became more and more obsessed. that was mainly because I didn’t have many true friends and was bullied quite a bit all throughout grade school, so I felt like someone who didn’t even know me by name was there for support. 

again, ANYWAYS. after being content with being a Taylor Swift fan through that debut era, I moved from where I was born and raised (southwestern Illinois) to Missouri (the Kansas City area/the western side of the state) because of my dad’s job. I went from having a couple good friends and not feeling like I had to try too hard to fit in to having no friends and wanting so badly to fit in. well, in doing so, I went into that trademark emo phase and the friends I made at that time made me think Taylor Swift made the worst music ever. that didn’t last long, though, because my choir teacher in 7th grade had us sing Love Story right after Fearless was released, so I was back to being hooked. but this time around, I had to keep quiet in order to maintain my not super great but I thought it was better than what I had in Illinois reputation (LOL I’m sorry, I had to).some of hiding that part of my life (the happy part of my life) got me so down and upset that I started self harming. it was bad. like, really bad. I managed to keep it a secret, though. anyways. the debut album and Fearless helped me through some tough times in seventh grade, including my cat of my whole entire life at that point dying, starting to discover my sexual orientation, and my parents not living together for four or five months.

we’re doing this again, but ANYWAYS (it’s obnoxious, I know). after being in Kansas City for about eight months, my dad broke the news to us that we were moving across the state of Kansas and halfway through the state of Colorado. I was absolutely heartbroken because I had to start that process all over again and knew it was going to be hard on me. I don’t know why, but Fifteen, Fearless, and Change got me through a lot of that when I moved here. anyways. by the time I moved here and got settled, Speak Now had come out (that was the end of the first half of 8th grade). I was still kind of in my emo phase, but people were a lot nicer about Taylor Swift here than they were in Kansas City. I had kind of settled back down to being “normal” and Speak Now, again, helped with a lot. I started really dealing with depression and anxiety in eighth grade due to some bullying (again), so Long Live and Mean got me through that. did I mention that I was bullied into working on changing my slightly hick-ish accent in middle school? no? WELL IT HAPPENED. ANYWAYS! as eighth grade rolled into high school, my Speak Now obsession continued.

okay, now into high school. the best years of my life, but the worst years of my life. LET’S GET INTO IT. I was in marching band all four years of high school and when I first started, I met who I though was the love of my life. she (yes, I said she) was great and supported me and whoever I loved/whatever I was obsessed with, and she was a swiftie, so that was a plus. anyways, as the second half of my freshman year rolled around, my dad lost his job he’d had for a looooooong time (the one that moved us out to Colorado) and my depression got worse. my girlfriend tried to be there for me as much as she could and kept reminding me that Taylor was there, too, but it didn’t help much. I started self harming almost constantly and my multiple suicide attempts started. after freshman year was over and sophomore year began, my dad was still unemployed and I was still severely depressed. my relationship started growing into an emotionally abusive one and I thought my life was pretty much pointless until the Speak Now World Tour dates were released and I saw that Taylor was going to be in Denver three weeks after my fifteenth birthday! unfortunately, my family wasn’t able to afford any kind of tickets and all I got from the concert was a bunch of girls around my school bragging about it and wearing all the merchandise the next day. the next few months of my life were like that until Safe & Sound from The Hunger Games soundtrack was released. I bought that the day it came out because we had Christmas a day late and I got an iPod touch with an iTunes gift card, so of fucking course I would.

okay, let’s just move into the next era because I am going on and on and on here. so between the time Safe & Sound and Red were released, I had attempted suicide multiple times through extreme amounts of self harm and attempting to overdose, but clearly, none of them worked. I also marched in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade my sophomore year and tried killing myself and started starving myself after we got back for lord knows what reason. the only good thing about that trip was being in Time’s Square at the same time Taylor posted a picture of her in a taxi in Time’s Square. like, that’s it. anyways, the only thing that helped me through my sophomore year was the fact that I had Safe & Sound and The Hunger Games to make me feel like life was like, the least bit worth living. 

ANYWAYS, I’m pretty sure it was my first week of my junior year, but Taylor had her livestream when she announced Red and that was the beginning of my life turning around. I was finally able to end my super emotionally abusive relationship with my ex girlfriend by playing We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together on Skype and then hanging up on her. thanks, Taylor, by the way! it made me feel so empowered and the countdown for the album gave me something to look forward to. I also remember coming home from school two days after my sixteenth birthday, watching Taylor sing Ronan, then hating my life. A N Y W A Y S. Red coming out was the best thing that ever happened to me, even though I couldn’t buy the physical copy until after school the day it came out. I did buy it on iTunes the night before and I’m pretty sure I posted it on Facebook, but you know, whatever. by the end of my junior year, I was doing a lot better in school than I had been doing my previous year and my mental health got quite a bit better. my last week of school, two of the local country radio stations (The Wolf and KYGO) started giving away tickets for the Red Tour concert in Denver, and after calling The Wolf THIRTEEN times on my cell phone on my last day of school, I won two tickets to see her (click this link to listen to it because my good friend recorded it and put it on SoundCloud). it was a definite turn around to my life. my ex, who was going with her friend, tried to get me to take her with me, but I took my best friend instead and texted her the lyrics to WANEGBT during WANEGBT because I was too savage for my own good. I also saw Mama Swift and cried, and Grant tried throwing me a guitar pick and it made it NOWHERE NEAR ME. but he tried. and it was great.

okay, senior year. sorry this is so long. I continued being obnoxiously obsessed with Red and the last two digits of my locker were 22 and the last number of my locker combo was 13, so I though the Taylor Swift gods were blessing me for sure. ANYWAYS. I graduated from high school, which is something I never imagined I would be alive to do, but I made it through because Taylor made me feel so empowered with songs like IKYWT and WANEGBT and kept me away from my toxic ass ex girlfriend. BUT I GRADUATED. AND IT WAS GREAT. I WAS AND AM STILL SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

I’m just gonna long story short the rest of this because this is going on way too damn long. 1989 was announced and Shake It Off was released on a day I worked a night shift the night before, so I was like, wiped the hell out and actually asleep, but I partied hardy as soon as I woke up and ended up meeting someone who changed my life immensely because of it. I almost dated her, but I screwed that up and honestly, it’s probably for the better. the 1989 world tour rolled around and I didn’t win/couldn’t afford to buy tickets, so I just sat at home and read about it. I lived through the drama and the music videos, which made me feel like I had something to live for (again, I know that’s probably stupid), but at that point, I needed anything I could grasp onto. then I started therapy and antidepressant meds and started dealing with some gender dysphoria, which Taylor’s presence helped me through, until August. then I stopped my medication voluntarily and my self harm got bad. that was during the drought. it was fun. it was hard to find things to be happy about. 

okay, fast forward to this year because I need to finish this. Taylor was basically nowhere to be seen and my depression and anxiety had gotten so bad, I had to do something about it myself. I found the courage and strength to put myself in an intensive outpatient program at a local behavioral health facility and while Taylor’s sexual assault trial triggered some very upsetting PTSD and guilt/shame, I graduated from the program two weeks ago. then, shortly after, this new era started.

okay, to make a long story short, I just realized I’ve been able to stay alive during all of her eras and all of the drama she’s been attached to and if you would’ve asked me five years ago, I would’ve told you I wouldn’t have been alive to do that. I realized that I have survived crushes, heartbreaks, love, breakups, depression, anxiety, self harm, suicide attempts, loneliness, confusion, and pain with and mainly because of @taylorswift and I can’t begin to thank her enough for that. 

again, I know she’ll probably never read this or see it on her dashboard or anything of that nature, but I just wanted to let everyone know that Taylor is not only a musical legend, but a lifesaver.

[7fics]

Markson friendship jackjae Romance. Jackson doesn't really know YJ but he knows he's kinda weird but still kinda cute and he sits next to Jackson in science so Jackson texts Mark and says "the Youngjae kid is cute tbh" and Mark being a dick takes a screenshot of their messages and sends it to Youngjae, who is still sitting next to Jackson.

Warnings: mark pov lol

Word Count: 2.5k ish

Author: Chewy’s back! and graduating high school oh my god

managed to sneak some markbum in there lol whoops hope ya enjojojoiiiii

grades: JB: senior Jinyoung: senior (skipped a grade) Jackson: junior Mark: junior (redoing a grade) Youngjae: sophomore Yugyeom/bambam: freshmen

“Bro, you hype? First day of school jitters? Whatchu gonna eat for breakfast?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jackson, why are you calling me at 6 in the morning,” Mark groans. It’s too early for this shit. It’s always too early for Jackson’s shit, but “That’s just the impact of the Wang” or so “the Wang” says.

“It’s the first day of school! You should be up and getting ready, don’t you want to start off the school year refreshed and excited?” Mark can practically hear Jackson jumping up and down through the phone. Oh, wait, is that the sound of springs squeaking? Then never mind, Mark can legitimately hear Jackson jumping up and down.

“More like dead tired. School doesn’t start until nine.”

“Whatever. Have you looked at your schedule yet? Did you see what classes you had? Do we share any classes?” Jackson’s talking non-stop, and from the sound of it he’s also trying to chew his breakfast at the same time. Mark’s not really into that ASMR shit.

“I already sent you a screenshot last night, keep up,” he responds, groaning as he finally crawls out of bed. With Jackson this hyped up, he knows there’s no chance of falling back asleep so he might as well get ready. “We have a few classes together, I think. Check again?”

“Oh, right!” there’s a pause as Jackson scrambles to his laptop, and Mark thanks the gods above for the short moment of blessed silence. “We have the same lunch period! And Humanities and Numbers for Nerds, thank goodness. You’re going to need to tutor me again.”

“No.” Not until you stop calling “math” “Numbers for Nerds,” Mark thinks. It’s too early to voice opinions, though, so he keeps that to himself.

“And Euro, yass, this is nearly fully booked Markson, get pumped! But wait, aw man, no science together. Why would you ever take Physics? And it’s first in the morning, too!” Jackson continues.

“God bless,” Mark’s not sure if he would have been able to handle Jackson so early every morning. Especially not after the copper incident last year. “Now I’m hanging up, gotta shower. See you at school.”

“Bye~~~ Markie pooh,” Jackson calls, but by then, Mark’s already ended the call.

—

“Jaebum, please,” Mark says the minute he enters the Physics classroom that morning. “Save me.”

“Babe, what’s wrong? It’s only the first day of school,” Jaebum grumbles, barely lifting his head from his desk to greet Mark.

“Exactly. However,” Mark says, handing his phone over to Jaebum. “Some asshole thinks that I should care about his choice in sock color today.” There are somewhere around, oh, just about hundreds of new text messages, voicemails and snapchats from Jackson, updating Mark on the every second of his first day of school prep. And that’s just the preparation; the school day hasn’t even started damn it.

“Aw, yikes. I got a picture of a flowchart of first day of school possibilities from Jinyoung last night. And then earlier this morning he sent me a selfie of himself setting the same flowchart on fire, so I’m not sure what that means.”

“Seriously? It’s only the first day of school why is he stressing like it’s finals week again,” Mark groans as he lays his head on the desk. Jaebum only pats him on the back and gives a shrug in response, and Mark is eternally grateful. He decides that now is a great moment (and the only moment) to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet before the madness called “High School” and “Being Wang Jackson’s One and Only BFFL For Life” (“Jackson you repeated for life” “Shhhh”) begins.

Moments later, the beautiful calm is shattered by the sound of Kara blasting through the air. “The fuck Jackson, we’re in class,” Mark says, opting to hit decline. Jackson apparently doesn’t get the message, however, and Mark’s phone spends the rest of class buzzing violently in his backpack.

Mark of course dutifully ignores everything. (At one point, a girl in front of him freaks out because she’s sure there’s a swarm of bees in the classroom. It’s just Jackson, though.)

—

“Hey.” Mark takes his lunch tray, which is literally piled to the sky with only french fries, and slides into the bench between Jackson and Jaebum. He looks down the table and nods at the kid at the end of the table. “‘Sup?” They’re not friends, but the kid sells some fine “herbs” if you know what I’m saying. Imported. From Thailand.

Mark doesn’t drink coffee. He drinks tea. And he’s ready to beat anyone (meaning Jinyoung) who mocks him for it. It’s not like he fucking reads books like some nerds (meaning Jinyoung).

“Hey, Mork, what’s up?”

“Can you not.”

“Nope! Those are a lot of fries buddy, I’m really kind of worried about your health, you know?” Jackson says, reaching over to grab a handful.

“I hope you choke.”

Jackson doesn’t choke, but he does snort and get some caught in his nostril. While Jackson is whining and screaming for help, Mark turns to Jaebum, “Hey.”

“Hey babe,” Jaebum responds. He also takes a french fry, but actually manages to look pretty sexy eating it, so Mark will opt to forgive him this one time.

“Do you think you can get senioritis when you’re a Junior?” Mark asks, shoving the plate of fries to the side so that he can lay his head on the table. And then push the fries directly into his mouth without actually lifting anything.

“Dude. It’s been three days since we got back from summer break,” Jaebum gives him a look, although really, he has no right to judge.

“I didn’t do any of my summer Humanities assignments, so I already have a zero.” Ok, so maybe Jaebum does have some right to judge. But only a little.

“Holy fuck YOU GUYS!” Jackson screams, and then immediately makes a shushing noise, “Shhh! I can’t let him notice me!”

“Jackson. You are the loudest one in this group right now.”

“Ah, sorry, I forgot. But look!” Jackson whisper shouts, vaguely gesturing toward some corner of the cafeteria. “Look at that!”

Mark squints, but isn’t really sure what Jackson’s freaking out over. He doesn’t see any signs for free pizza, or anything remotely worth getting hyped up over.

“That kid! Over there!” Jackson’s voice is steadily rising, but they’re in the middle of a public school cafeteria so Mark decides to not give any fucks for now. “The one that looks absolutely beautiful and basically is probably the Sun on the Teletubbies but all grown up! He’s in my Bio class and I swear you guys, I am in love.”

“Oh hey, that’s Youngjae,” Jaebum remarks.

Hmmm, Youngjae. Mark’s sure he’s heard that name somewhere.

“Remember? He’s the really loud tenor in my choir class. Tried to bring his dog to school last year.”

“Oh yeah. Coco. He’s my neighbor.”

“You know him?” Jackson gasps. He crawls over Mark and grabs Jaebum by the collars. “Please. Tell me more. I must know.”

And so the rest of lunch continues just like any other day, with Mark trying to ignore Jackson and continue eating french fries. It’s a hard task, but nothing that Mark can’t handle.

—

Another week of dozing through classes has passed in a blissful blur, and Mark settles into Physics, pulling out his notebook. He’s just trying to decide whether he should use the book as a pillow or what it’s actually meant for when his phone goes berserk again.

from: wangster

holy sheet mark

do u remember that incredibly cute ball of sunshine underclassman I was talking about

the one that probably farts pixie dust

and is CuTE as bALLS???

YOUNGJAEEEEE god kill me now even his name is lovely

he just got assigned to the same lab group as me

ME

the fuq is this, a fucking rom com??? i M SO READY to NOT embarrass myself infant of this kid

**in front ha fuck u 2 autocorrect

“What is that?” Jinyoung asks, peering over Marks shoulder.

“It’s just Jackson, talking about his new crush. I’m just gonna ignore it,” Mark concludes, setting it on vibrate and then tossing it to the corner of his desk.

“He just texted you again,” Jinyoung says, picking up the phone. “What does he mean by ‘THE THING’?”

“Shit, give me that,” Mark says, suddenly alert and scrambling for the phone.

from: wangster

do you think he’d think i was cool if i did THE THING again?

Mark furiously types.

from: mark

NO!

DO NOT. DRINK. THE COPPER. SOLUTION.

It takes a minute for the reply to come back.

from: wangster

aw cmon man, it wasn’t that bad

and don pretend like u didn’t take a taste too, i’m not the only criminal here

anyway i wasn’t talking about that

like

what if i “accidentally” spilled a chemical on my hot bod

and then i have to rip off my shirt and show off my sexy abs ;)

Mark groans and lays his head upon the desk. “Help. I think I have a migraine coming on.”

“What’s wrong?” Jaebum asks, sliding into his seat with 34 seconds to spare. Mark just holds up his phone in response. Jaebum sighs and formulates a response in Mark’s stead.

from: mark

your abs won’t be sexy anymore with a god damn acid burn on them. don’t do that shit. —JB

Before Jaebum can hand the phone back to Mark, Jinyoung snags it out of his hands. “Oh boy,” he giggles. “This is gold. Do you mind if I screenshot this and airdrop it to myself? Just for when I’m sad, I promise.”

“Go ahead,” Mark waves him on. At this point, he doesn’t think Jackson has any dignity left to muster up. “Just don’t accidentally send it to Youngjae or anything.”

There is a beat of silence, as three pairs of eyes meet. Then they all break, chuckling to themselves. Mark wheezes a little. “Nah, I wouldn’t. I’m not that kind of friend.”

There’s another moment of silence, as Jinyoung takes one long look at the messages, and then back up at Mark, then Jaebum, then back at Mark. “Aren’t you?”

“I mean, we’re best friends, come on,” Mark says. He doesn’t know why he’s suddenly sweating in this freezing air conditioned classroom. “Right. Best friends. Who forgive each other no matter what,” Jaebum muses, half to himself. They meet eyes, and then break. Nervous laughter fills the air around them.

“Nah, nah, nah. We’re cool,” Mark says, taking back the phone and going to delete the screenshots. But, Jinyoung is right. This is kind of gold. “Maybe I’ll just start a message to Youngjae, but not actually send it, just to freak Jackson out.”

“Oh yeah!” Jinyoung agrees, aggressively nodding. “Take a screenshot of you you pretending to send those to Youngjae. Jackson would die. And it’s good revenge for him stealing my last twizzler.”

“Alright, I’m doing it,” Mark says. They’re all three cackling at the message, Mark’s hand hovering over the phone, when the teacher walks in and slams the door shut. Hard.

All three students jump in their chairs simultaneously. “Put you phone away!” he demands, and Mark sheepishly pulls his phone off his desk, but not before seeing what’s on the screen.

“Oh shit,” he looks up at Jaebum, wide-eyed.

“You hit send, didn’t you?”

—

Three hours later, Mark finds himself on the floor of the cafeteria, groveling at Jackson’s feet. “It was an accident, I swear, you know I would never do that to you. I would never even think of doing that to you!”

“How. The fuck. Do you accidentally send screenshots of my text messages to the guy who just happens to be the subject of my messages?” Jackson asks. His eyebrows are halfway up his face at this point.

“Ok, fine,” Mark concedes, “Maybe I did think of doing that to you. But I swear I only thought! I never actually meant to hit send. Tell him, Jinyoung!”

Jackson’s menacing eyebrows swivel to face Jinyoung, who currently has his nose buried in a book, with only his ears peeking out. No matter how much of a bookworm everybody says he is, no books are that interesting. “Well?” Jackson asks, leg shaking the table.

“Uhh… It was Mark’s idea!” then he slams his book shut and bolts.

Mark gasps, “That bastard.”

Jackson grabs at Mark’s collar, and as Mark flails, he looks over to Jaebum in an attempt at one last plea for help. Jaebum just raises his eyebrows, and scoots his tray further away down the table.

Just as Mark resigns himself to his fate, he is saved by the bell. More specifically, his text alert, which is actually a four second clip of a recording of Jackson screaming for five minutes straight. Everybody in the whole cafeteria looks over at them, including Youngjae (an important detail for Jackson) and the security guards and other adult staff (an important detail for Mark). “Dude get off of me before we get in trouble,” Mark whispers. Jackson only complies because Youngjae is looking and he can bet 99.999% that Youngjae probably hates violence and sings about flowers growing as a past time.

“Ugh, whatever, I’m still mad. You better buy me chocolate milk for the rest of the school year.”

“What are you, Kim Yugyeom?” Mark scoffs, but knows that he probably will, even if only for a few weeks instead of the whole school year. Anything to get his friend back. Even so, he slaps Jackson’s hands away as they drift toward his tray of fries. While battling Jackson over his lunch with his left hand, Mark unlocks his phone with his left (unnecessary AN: this was supposed to say right, but I was totally zoned out when typing this, and, my dudes, it is so wicked funny to imagine Mark with two left hands). “Oh my god, Jackson!”

“What now?” Jackson grumbles, slipping through Mark’s defenses and filching a fry or two or three or twelve.

“Jackson, look,” Mark gasps breathlessly, handing his phone over to Jackson.

“Holy fuck.”

Right there, on the screen (surrounded by way too many emojis and stickers) are the following words:

from: c youngjae

aww, can you tell jackson hyung thank you for the compliments

and also that i don’t want him hurting himself!! i’m sure he looks better shirtless on the basketball courts than in a science lab *winky face blushing emoji*

oh! also mark hyung, my family is going out of town for labor day, can you watch coco? thanks!

Mark grins, looking up at Jackson’s shining face. “Am I the best wingman ever or what?”

“Yes!” Jackson shouts, drawing looks once again. “But you still owe me chocolate milk for the stress that you put me through for this past hour.”

“Yo, lunch period isn’t even an hour long.”

[stephhannes]

dead dadiversary 2: electric boogaloo

On this day (plus 1 day) two years ago, I heard my father take his last breath. Though two years have passed, the grief still sits in the back of my mind every day- rearing its head at the worst possible times. For months now, I’ve been able to push it aside, I’ve had a lot going on to distract me- finals, graduation, moving to New York, being broke, trying to find a job, etc.  But now, for the last week, as I’m trying to go to sleep I’ve found myself lying in bed and quietly crying. I’ve been unable to keep my dead dad feelings repressed like I normally do. There’s been a lot of re-living scenarios, conjuring up guilt that I shouldn’t really have but still do anyways. There’s been a lot of “It’s not fair that my dad is dead!!!” anger. There’s just been... a lot. As I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting lately, I remembered an essay that I wrote 10 months after my dad died as a term paper for my Women’s Autobiographical Writing class. I never posted it online anywhere- so as a celebration of my 2nd annual Dead Dadiversary, here it is

+++

My dad was an alcoholic. I hate telling people that, not because I’m ashamed of my father, but because of the reaction I always get. It’s always the same sort of unease from anyone I tell. No one knows how to react, because everyone assumes that because my dad was an alcoholic, he was inherently abusive. Or that he was inherently a neglectful father. Or that he was inherently just generally not a good parent. That’s the farthest from the truth though. My dad was the best. My dad was always the best. When my dad died, I wrote something to read at his funeral, and I feel like this directly reflects the impact he had on my life.

A few days after my 20th birthday, my dad came into my room and said- “It has been an honor and a privilege to spend these last twenty years with you,” I feel like this is an appropriate sentiment to start this speech, because I reciprocate that wholeheartedly. There is no one I would have rather had by my side for the last 20 years. I couldn’t have asked for a better parent. Despite my acting like an awful teen at times, he always was on my side. I think that’s what I’ll miss the most. I’ll miss having someone who had my back 100%. I’ll miss having someone who was always making sure I was happy. No matter what I wanted, my dad would always see that I got it.

When I decided that I wanted to go to art school in Chicago, he didn’t say “that’s not realistic,” he started to help me get everything in order to go. When those plans fell through, he helped me apply to UT. When I got accepted, he helped me move to Austin. During my first semester, when I doubted my major, while other parents were forcing their kids to be lawyers or doctors, he told me to do what I love. At the end of the semester, when I had a breakdown and hated college, he told me that I didn’t have to go if it wasn’t making me happy. My dad always encouraged me to do what made me happy, and he always did what he could to ensure I could live the life I wanted. I’ll miss that kind of guidance the most.

I’ll also miss the little things as well, the way he called me ‘old sport,’ or the way he listened to me ramble on and on about whatever it was that I was obsessed with. (He could probably tell you 100 different useless facts about My Chemical Romance) The way he always helped me with my school projects (not just the 5th grade science fair, but even my college research papers). The way he always stocked the fridge with food I loved when I came home from college etc.

My dad was my best friend, which I’m sure a lot of you feel the same way about. Never in my life have I met someone so compassionate and caring. I have never met someone who cared so deeply for everyone they loved. In my life, I hope people remember me as fondly as everyone remembers my father.

When I was growing up, my mother was a nurse; she worked at an inconvenient time every day. While she was working, I went to school from 7:45am to 4:45pm, which meant that our paths crossed very little. For the first 13 years of my life, I never really saw my mom. My dad was an alcoholic, but he still woke me up for school every day. He made me breakfast, and brushed my hair. He walked me to school and gave me a kiss goodbye every day. At 3:45, every afternoon, he was there waiting to pick me up. He walked me home, made me dinner, and helped me do my homework. Every night he tucked me into bed and made sure I went to sleep at a normal hour.

When I was growing up, my dad always went to all my soccer games. He cheered me on relentlessly even though I was the most embarrassing player on the team. He came to all my choir performances, even though I only sang one line most of the time. He volunteered at every single event my school put on. He organized talent shows and chaperoned field trips and donated money. My dad was an alcoholic, but he was always my biggest supporter.

In elementary school, of course, I didn’t know that my dad was an alcoholic. At night I would hear my parents arguing over money, but I never really grasped what exactly was happening. At night I would hear my dad complaining about how he was unhappy, about how he could never sleep well, about how tired he was. During the day he wasn’t like that, he was my best friend. My best, coherent, alert friend. My dad was an alcoholic, but he never let me see it when I was a child.  

In middle school, my dad was my closest friend. In 6th grade, my family had just moved from Austin to Abilene and I was having a hard time adjusting to the new city. I didn’t make friends very easily, because I was very different from everyone else. Everyone at my new school was very clean-cut, very Christian, and very affluent. I however, was a little weird, very non-religious, and very poor. It was hard for me to relate. In this time of transition, I would come home and complain about my day to my dad, every single day. He would let me vent, he would give me advice, and he would ask if there was anything he could do to make it better. If there was anything he could do, he would do it without skipping a beat. My dad was always there to make sure that I was happy. My dad was an alcoholic, but my happiness was always his number one priority.

In high school I finally started to understand what was going on. Partially because the situation had escalated, and partially because I was old enough to start to realize the character flaws in my father. My dad had a routine, every morning; he would go to the grocery store and get groceries. He would run errands, and then come home and clean for a few hours. He would pay the bills, and then he would start drinking. I’d come home from class and he would be on the couch. We would watch Jeopardy together and then I would go to my room to do homework. He would make dinner. Then he would drink some more. And some more. He’d drink until he was able to eventually fall asleep. And then he would fitfully sleep through the night. He would wake up the next day and do the same thing over again. My dad was an alcoholic, but he still managed to keep the house together.

In this time, I started to get an opinion on his drinking. I hated it. It made me so unhappy to see him like that. When he was drunk, he just wasn’t himself. It’s not that he was mean, or abusive, or negligent. He just wasn’t who I knew and loved. I missed my dad so much. My dad was an alcoholic, and it was starting to take a toll on me.

When I went off to college, it was great because I got the best of my dad at all times. I didn’t have to see him when he was drunk, but we would constantly talk on the phone. I’d call him during the breaks between my classes, and I’d call him whenever I needed help on an assignment. I’d Skype him once a week and make fun of his long hair and tell him how much I miss him. He’d get drunk every day. He was still always my biggest supporter, my best friend, and my confidant. I’d come home for spring break or for Christmas and spend time with him, he would be drunk for most of it, but the few sober moments I got were the greatest. My dad was an alcoholic, but he still loved me despite all the poor choices I made during college.

February of my sophomore year, I got a call from my mother. Dad was in the emergency room. The trip to the emergency room turned into a bunch of meetings with doctors, which turned into a cancer diagnosis, which turned into him only having three months left to live. I guess I was in denial of the whole situation, because I just played it off like it wasn’t really a big deal. I continued to go to school, would call home occasionally and majorly just ignored what was happening. My dad’s health continued to decline, but three months later, he was still alive. At this point he was living on borrowed time. My dad was an alcoholic, and he was dying.

In May, I moved back home to spend time with my dad in his last few months. His friends and I would joke about how he was past his expiration date, but it was incredible to me that he was still alive. In this time, we got hospice services involved. My home turned into a makeshift hospital. Where laughter and conversation used to fill the room, the sound of my dad’s oxygen machine hummed. Where we used to make dinner together every night turned into a graveyard for empty take-out containers. Some days were better than others though, and those good days were incredible. The bad days were devastating. My father became a ghost of who he used to be. He was unable to stand on his own, unable to speak clearly, unable to live his life.

When I was younger, I was a child actor. Part of that hobby included being able to cry on cue. Only one thing could make me cry on cue, thinking about my dad being sick or dead. Nothing triggered tears quicker than the thought of losing my dad. Any time I needed to conjure up some tears, whether it be for a scene, or to get my way in an argument, I would just think of that. Though I was experienced in making myself cry, nothing could have prepared me for when it actually happened. During the summer before my dad died, I played over how it would probably go in my head over and over- just to prepare myself. I figured that in the early morning, I would hear my mother crying, and that would be it. I was basically right.

In my parents’ house, my room is directly next to my parents’ room, which means that I can hear whenever they’re watching tv, or talking through the walls. I could also hear my dad struggling to breathe in his sleep. I could hear how each breath was a huge undertaking. I was heartbroken. I was scared. I knew it was coming. The next day, when the hospice nurse came, she told us that they were going to start “comfort care” for my dad. Morphine every 15 minutes, no food or water unless he asks for it. That night, I heard the same struggle for breath. I finally fell asleep. I woke up at about 6am, and could still hear the breath getting caught in my dad’s throat. At 7:20 I stopped hearing it. At 7:30 I heard my mother wailing. At 7:30 I walked into my parents room to see my mother holding my dad’s hand in bed, my dad lifeless. At 7:32 my mother turned to me and said, “I just lost my best friend,” I choked out a weak “me too,” and sat down next to her quietly. I was in shock. My dad was an alcoholic, and he had just died.

The days following that are a blur. I had never known such a deep and profound sadness. When my dad’s ashes got delivered, I didn’t know what to do with them. We didn’t get an urn. We put the ashes in a flowerpot we had bought from goodwill a few months beforehand. I think he would have appreciated that. So many of my friends reached out to me, some people I hadn’t talked to in months sent condolence texts. My best friend immediately went out and bought me a ton of snacks and mailed them to me the next day. My home was filled with flowers, and condolence cakes, and “sorry for your loss” cards- but it still felt overwhelmingly empty without my dad there. My dad was an alcoholic and I missed him every single hour of every single day.

In the months following his death, I went through all the stages of grief. September was a month of constant tears. Not only was I under the stress of taking 15 hours of class, but also I was still just trying to cope with the loss of my father. Every little thing would remind me of him. Every time something happened, I wanted to call him and tell him about it. I found myself missing the littlest things about him. That’s the hardest part, the little things. The way he would email me stupid jokes he found. The way he would call me “old sport,” every time we talked on the phone. The way he would call me just to tell me about a cool new song he heard. In October I was angry, angry that my dad was gone. I was angry with myself for not being as present as I could have been during his last months. I was angry at the universe for taking away my best friend. In November, I finally settled down and got my emotions in check.

It’s been 10 months since my dad died, and I don’t miss him any less. I think of him every single day and I wish more than anything he was here. I’m upset that he’ll never be around to see me graduate, or see me get married, or witness the day that I finally get a job and stop borrowing money from my parents. I’m upset that I’ve lost my best friend. Despite that though, I’ve finally started to come to peace with it. Every day I try to live my life in a way that I know he’d be proud of. I try to remember his constant support. I try to remember his words of assurance when I feel like things are going terribly. I try to remember the way that he treated everyone with kindness and compassion. Every day, I try to do the same. I put everyone in my life before me; I’m always a shoulder to lean on. I want everyone I know to feel the same way my dad made me feel- loved and happy. My dad was an alcoholic, and he was the best person I ever knew.

[wouldvebeensweet]

Anxiety and Depression.

If you know me, you know that sharing my feelings is one of the biggest parts of my life. I share a lot through my music, and I’ve always been honest. But another big part of my life that I haven’t shared too much about is my mental health. I’ve talked about anxiety and depression before, and I make jokes at myself about anxiety publicly because that’s how I deal with things- but I want to get serious about it. I’ve sat down to write this multiples times, and I’ve filmed countless videos trying to talk about it. But this is it, this is the real thing and i’m freakin’ out.

I want to share this because I feel like these types of things aren’t shared enough. There’s a stigma when it comes to mental illnesses and it needs to be broken. I hope that by sharing my story with you, you feel less alone, or even get the courage to tell your story too.

Things started for me very young, about the time I was going into 6th grade, I was around 10 or 11. The summer leading into 6th grade, I never felt good. My body never felt right, I was always nervous, I felt physically sick every day, I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. Every night I would go to bed not feeling good and crying, and I would end up running into my parents bedroom. I’d be hyperventilating and freaking out, so I would make a bed on their bedroom floor. And I did that for a long time. On the first day of 6th grade, my mom had to basically pull me into the building because I did not want to go. I remember that day so clearly, even the sequin limited too dress I was wearing. During lunch that day I went to the office to call my dad and begged him to come pick me up. But as most parents would do on the first day of school, he told me to stick it out. So I proceeded to just wait in the office for an hour and then go to band class. That entire year was a struggle for me. I went to different doctors, had different blood tests done, and even had an MRI. Nobody really knew what was wrong, I don’t think anyone wanted to assume that someone so young could have anxiety and depression. I lost a lot of weight, I never ate. At one point all I had were protein shakes that my mom made me drink. Late that year, I went to a psychologist and was finally diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I had no idea what that meant, I was so young. I was told that this wasn’t my fault, and doctors tried telling me it was just a chemical imbalance in the brain. But I was only 11, and I just thought it was my fault.

In 7th grade I joined choir which made things a bit more bearable, but that was when my shitty attendance took place because of my anxiety. I got casted in the school musical that year, which was so exciting for me and looking back i’m still proud. But then I remember that I literally almost chickened out opening night and the understudy almost had to go on for me. Shit.

In 8th grade things were still the same, I was still taking my medication. But that year, I started to receive anonymous hate texts. They would say things like, “you copy everyone” “no one cares about you” “no one wants to be your friend”, shitty stuff like that. I went to be crying for a while, but it hurt even more when I found out the messages came from the people I thought were my best friends.

Going into highschool, I was still on medication, still anxious and depressed. But in these four years… that’s where my attendance went downhill. Freshman year was okay I guess, but sophomore year was probably the worst year of my life. My depression was something that I pushed deep down for a really long time. But my sophomore year I couldn’t push it down anymore. I fought with my parents everyday about going to school, I caused a lot of stress in the house. I still feel bad about it. When I did go to school, I would either sit in the office or go into a bathroom stall and cry. I missed a lot of driver training. And that year was also a year that I started some really unhealthy habits.

Junior year I stopped taking my medicine, not because I was told to, but because I thought I was doing better. I didn’t think I needed it anymore. But I was wrong, and when the withdrawal hit, my body shut down. I was out of school for a week while I got things back together. This happened multiple times going into my senior year, too.

My senior year of high school sucked. I hated high school if you couldn’t already tell. Due to my anxiety, I missed a shit ton of school. Like, A SHIT TON. I dropped my FST class in the middle of the year, and took an online math class. Because I started that class late, I had a lot of catching up to do. But I kept getting behind. And behind. And more behind. And because of that dumb class and dumb anxiety and dumb me, I literally almost didn’t graduate. I almost didn’t get to walk at graduation. I ended up getting to walk, but for a week or two after, I had to go into school everyday and finish my class. I was really embarrassed by this and made up a lot of excuses to friends, and even family. I didn’t want people to know I almost didn’t make it. The summer before college was rough. It’s where my anxiety kind of maxed and I had to try different medications, I think I tried about 4 and they didn’t work, which made college hard.

I started college in the fall and my first semester was fine, I made the deans list and I was SO proud of myself. And for once, I finally felt like I made my parents proud. But in my second semester, shit hit the fan again. I went to my classes for 2 or 3 weeks, but then stopped going. The anxiety was back (oh joy). But the thing is, my family didn’t know I stopped going. I would get ready every day and act like I was going to school. But when I got there, I would hide where no one I knew would see me. Then when I came home and my parents asked how school was going, I’d just say “oh it’s going fine!” BUT I LIED BECAUSE I’M THE WORST. I did that for the rest of the semester, and ended up telling my parents. They weren’t mad, but I was mad at myself. I wasted time and money. In my second year of college I tried again. I had the summer to get my shit together (or so I thought) and I told myself I was gonna do this. I signed up for 3 classes. I ended up dropping two of them and barely making it through one. Thank god I had Teresa in my class I didn’t drop, she helped me so much and I appreciate it more than anything. When you’re reading this, I should be in my second semester of my second year… but I’m not. I decided to not take any classes this semester to try and get stuff figured out. I’m working on my music, seeing a therapist, and working on myself. (Well, trying to work on myself).

Although my anxiety and depression has been bad for a long time, it doesn’t mean I haven’t had happy moments. I’ve had some of the happiest moments of my entire life and I will forever be thankful. But when things are good for me, they’re good. But when things are bad… they’re bad. I feel everything in extremes and I think I’ll spend forever wondering if that’s a blessing or a curse. I live my life by constantly thinking 50 steps ahead. I think of the countless things that could go wrong instead of holding onto the good thing that’s happening right in front of me. I can never just live in the moment and I god, I wish I was able to. I wish everyday that anxiety would just go away and stop ruining things for me. I wish that I could just ‘get over it’ like people say I should. But it’s not that easy, you can’t just get over it. And although that sucks it’s the truth.

I know that you may think your problems are small, and that they might not matter and that you’re alone. But I swear to you, your problems are still valid. They matter. You’re not alone, you’re NEVER alone. No matter how lonely you feel, I swear to you there’s people that care. When you’re alone in your room at night wishing you could just disappear because no one understands, remember that I understand. We might not have gone through the same things, but I know that hopeless feeling. I know the feeling of wanting to just give up. I know the feeling of wanting to take your frustration out on your body. But listen to me when I say this: permanent decisions will not fix temporary pain. When you’re going through something, it doesn’t feel temporary, it feels like forever and forever is a long time. But things will get better for you, you just need to hang on long enough to see it. Hold onto what makes you happy and never let it go. If you don’t know what makes you happy yet, or if you still don’t know what to live for, make it your mission to find something worth living for. And when you find it, hold it tight.

If you made it to the end of this, I applaud you. And if you’re still reading this, whether I know you or not, I love and I’m rooting for you- regardless of what you’re going through. You’re a fucking champ. Don’t hesitate to send me a message or ask me questions. I’m more than willing to help out. I love you.

We got this.