#Source: Team Fortress 2 Expiration Date

[shit-the-vampyr-cast-never-said]

Sean: Okay, final question. You and Jonathan have a dinner date booked at seven. What time do you arrive?

Geoffrey: Seven. AM. Check out the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, kill them. Dispose of the body, and pick up Reid no later than 6 PM.

[dreamboundedstar]

Bob's Burger's Incorrect Quotes 3

Zeke: [straightening himself out] So, I did write down a wish. [he brings out a card] I'd uh. I'd like to go on a date...with Tina.

Jimmy Jr.: [turns] You? You're terrible with girls.

Zeke: What? No. No. No. Jimmy Jr., look at this. And this. And this here. Jimmy Jr., look at all of this. [he gestures to different parts of his body and spins around] Heh. No. I'm great with girls.

[Scene flashes back to a cheap fast food joint. Zeke and a busty, blonde-haired woman are standing at a counter with buckets of chicken drumsticks.]

Zeke: We both got buckets of chicken. Wanna do it?

Blonde Woman: [shrugs] Eh, okay.

[Scene switches back to Jimmy Jr. and Zeke.]

Zeke: But you, Jimmy Junior. You are amazing with ladies. You know, classy ones. The kind that smell good, and can read. And that always have their glasses on just kind of crooked. You know? The ones that don't go for a guy like me.

[Jimmy Jr. looks at Zeke with a smug grin.]

Jimmy Jr.: Hmm, and why is that, do you think?

Zeke: C'mon, Jimmy Jr., I don't know.

Jimmy Jr.: Well, a mystery we will take to our graves then. Goodbye.

Zeke: Wait. Wait. Ah. [sigh] Okay. Look. Fine. Jimmy Junior. This never leaves this room [sigh]. You are better than me. All right? I need your help.

Jimmy Jr.: I'll do it. On one condition.

Jimmy Jr.: Say that [pushes his phone that’s recording towards Zeke] again.

[general-marzipan]

hello i have le question. who is your favourite tf2 mercenarie

Hello Heough! My favorite for quite some time has been the Engineer! I love the emotion shown in his Meet the Team short despite his laidback nature. I love his newest cosmetics from the summer update - they really suit him well! Even with the development of my oc Darnell, I get to think about how Dell is written as a character and how he and Darnell would interact on the job (i think about these two constantly!). AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT LIL POOTIS SEASON 2 PREMIERE!! I think about that specific Engie all the time, how it took a completely different interpretation of Dell and still made it believable to the actual character (Dell is such a versatile character i love it).

Though I do think I’m going back to liking Scout again as my favorite merc. I’ve seen a lot of SFMs and other memes and shorts with him lately, and its so funny to see how people would interpret in modern day. The accent is also a plus! I love quoting him at random points of the day - the accent is just so fun to do! You even feel like a Scout when you’re doing it!

However, I’m slowly starting to realize the potential of Sniper being my favorite. Throughout the years, Ive fallen for each class at least once, but somehow never could see myself liking sniper as my favorite. Sure, he’s super cool and professional at his job, you cant deny that, but something was always missing. I’d see every go crazy for him, and i just wouldn’t understand why exactly. Id see sniperscout shippers thirsting over sniper and wonder ‘whats that all about’ (in a good way tho). After rewatching the Meet the Sniper short a bunch of times tho recently, I felt a sort of realization, and a little more of a connection to his character (not much, but enough for me to like him a little bit more than before). Something about his standoff nature always perturbed me before, but now Im slowly starting to unravel the mystery of his character. (Not to mention im also starting to see more SFMs with him in it). Maybe also one day finishing the comics will help me to better understand his character, but for now i just think he’s pretty cool.

Similar to sniper, I’m also starting to realize the potential of medic. Yeah, i kinda liked him before when i first started getting into tf2, but i think that was bc most content was made about him and being shown everywhere. Like you’d find fanart online and it’d be a chibi medic or a medic with slicked back hair or something (lol the 2 genders of fanart). Still, in a way, i never could understand the character more than what people thought of him at the time: “sexy doctor that is covered in blood but also kawaii when heavy is around”. Though, once again, im going through content again and love seeing the character development within all sources of media (i think emesis blue also made me like it bc of his struggle with the events going on around him :p). Still, babysteps when it comes to liking characters i suppose. (The recent SFMs ive seen with him tho are amazing).

But if we’re talking about Soldier, oh man oh man. HE IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST AND MOST COMPLEX CHARACTERS IN VIDEO GAME HISTORY. Every day i learn something new about him. I love his gruff voice, similar to scout, you’re just compelled to do it all the time cause its so fantastic and comical. I ALSO JUST READ THE SCREAM FORTRESS COMIC FOR THE FIRST TIME FOR HALLOWEEN AND HE’S HILARIOUS IN IT HELLO?!?! Love his dynamic with everyone in that one, he’s such a fricking man child i love it. For the past few days ive been thinking about his scenes in that. Absolutely love it. The SFMs and memes of him are super funny, AND THE RENDITION OF HIM IN EMESIS BLUE IS SO COOL, I DIDNT EXPECT ALL THAT TRAUMA TO HAPPEN TO HIM. Not to mention the workshop taunts i see of him are absolute gold, star spangled strategy will always live in my head rent free. CAN WE ALSO TALK ABOUT HIM IN EXPIRATION DATE PLEASE?! He is so funny in that one, every scene with him in it is hilarious, people are even pointing out new things i havent even noticed before years later. If i could, i would be Soldier tf2. I wanna be him so bad.

Uhhhh the other mercs are also really cool, but i havent made that much of a connection to them, though i will say when they have their moments, they truly shine through. Every day I learn something new about tf2, and it always throws me for a ride.

Lol sorry about the long post, can you tell I like these guys a lot?

[notasingleclue20]

TF2に狂い、SFMをすげえ見た

前置き

これは好きなSFMおよびファン制作アニメーションリストです。TF2のコミュニティの愛、深い。

・SFM？ Source FilmmakerというValveが公開してる映像作成ソフト（？）の略。Youtubeとかで[SFM]と入っているのは、このソフトを使って作られたファンアニメーションの総称らしい。 TF2、Valve作品以外でも3Dモデルが存在するゲームのキャラクターをアニメーションする際に使っている人は多い。エッチなのも多いらしい。 とても使いづらいと聞くけど、それでもものすごい数の作品がある。

・TF2って… Team Fortress 2というFree to Playな所謂ヒーローシューターゲーム。Steamでなんと無料です。宣伝。 古いゲームでもうあんまり更新されてないけど未だにアクティブプレーヤー人数は多く、コミュニティが活気。

Meet the Team

公式の全9クラス（＋サンドヴィッチ）の紹介動画のプレイリスト、クオリティ高く、ともかく印象に残る。 正直ゲームを知らなくても何度か見た記憶があり、ともかく知名度がすごいし、無意味にScoutのセリフを覚えてしまう。 全部見たらExpiration Date（賞味期限切れ/時間切れ）を見るとみんなに愛着が益々湧く。そしてこれにはなんと日本語字幕がある…。

Emesis Blue

切って離せない、というかこの作品を見てTF2をはじめた。ファン制作のホラーSFM映画。 Twitterで延々と呟いているのですが、元々死生観の感じられる作品がすごく好きで、あんなにカオスで命の軽い世界観の作品を基に、その命の軽さ・リスポンというゲームメカニック、Mann兄弟の（言っちゃえば）自分勝手な理由で戦争を続ける為にMercたちを雇用しているという設定を逆手にとって、ここまでホラーとして秀逸な切り口を入れられているのが本当にすごいし、TF2を知らない自分がのめりこんでしまったくらい映像としてよくできてました。 ここからloreを学んだ後に見直してデモソルの関係性とか、パイロに焼かれるスパイとか、殺し合う赤ヘビメディとかに大きな感情を抱いたという結果です

Lil' Guardian Pyro

Emesis Blue見た後ゲームをインストールしてbot相手にトレーニングしてるときに見て、は～カワイイんだけど…ってなった。ともかくカワイイし、Pyro/Engieの関係性がやっぱとても良い。みんなちっちゃいね。

Team Fortress Guilty Gear OP Parody

（やったことも見たこともないのだけど）ｷﾞﾙﾃｨｷﾞｱのOPパロらしく、ムチャクチャかっこよくてループして見ていた。War!のコミック読んでデモ…ソル…ってなってるときに見たので二人のショットが多くて泣いてしまいそうでした。SpyがScoutが死んでピエタ構図になっているコミックのコマがすごく好きなので、そこが入っていて嬉しい。Jarateのとこで笑っちゃうしバトルエンジのガンスリンガーが映るところがすげえ好きです。

Tribute

またリスポンメカニックをテーマに、友達がいなくなってしまったMercの悲しみが丁寧に静かに描かれててジワ…ときました。展開と見せ方が上手。

TF2: Revenge

テーマ的にはTributeに近く、友達がいなくなっちゃったMercの悲しみ…からの復讐を描くSFM。このSFMのパイロの描かれ方がともかく好きで、全て燃やした後になんにも残らない虚しさが切ない

Demoman's Dilemma 

この方（The Wingletさん）のSFMは全部クオリティが高いのだけれど、これは私欲で入れてます。デモマンがマジで呂律ゼロになるのがいつ聞いても笑えるので好きです。

Hiking Trip [SFM]

こちらもWingletさんの作品。短いほのぼの（？）ハイキングするよ♪という中でハプニングが起きて、Mercy Killing（「安らかに逝かせてやろう…」）をするかしないかみたいな話なんですが、それに加えてOuter Wildsの音楽が流れるのが好きです。

Story of a Sentry

EngieとSentry Gunのお話。二人が親子みたいなのが素直に可愛い。EngieをやってSentryカンカンやってると、このSFMのエンジの気持ちはすごくよく分かる。俺のセントリーに手を出さんでくれ。

Lil’ Pootis - Season 1 [Episodes 1-7]

こちらはSFMではなく手描きアニメーションなのですが、ともかくみんなカワイイし愛を感じる…。 Heavyの”Put this dispenser here!”（「ディスペンサーここに置いてくれ！」）というセリフが英語だとPootisに聞こえるのでmeme化しているのが、Heavyの鳥頭Cosmeticをベースに鳥のキャラクターにした…アニメーション……？（説明が難しい） Pootis以外にもSpy Crub、MedicのArchimedesなども出てきていて、ワイヤワイヤしていてほっこりする。 手描きアニメーションだとMeet the Amazing Teamシリーズも好き。

～～～～～～～～～～～～～～

Tumblrだと10個までしかビデオを貼れませんでした。以下も大好きです。

・End of the Line すごく有名所…？そうなのだけれど、クオリティが高く、最初から最後まで画がとてもキレイ。それぞれのMercたちの描かれ方も丁寧で、1映像作品として起承転結していてキレイに終わる。ヘビメディがかっこよい。

・Mann Swap HeavyとScoutが入れ替わっちゃった☆？！みたいな短いストーリーで起承転結がキレイで、モデルはとくに変更ないのに表情と動きでそれぞれのキャラクターが入れ替わってることを描くアニメーション能力がすごい…

・Pootis Engage //EXTREME 海外memeだらけで勢いがすごい、中々テンションが高くて置いてかれそうになる、けど好きです。使われてるのはSFMではなくて別のソフトなのかな…。

・Keep Going, Buddy [SFM] なんだかうまくいかない…なScoutの描かれ方にすごい親近感。お父さんみたいなEngieも大好きで、最後の終わり方もすごく良かったです。

・Creation of Mimi-Sentry [SFM] Engieのセントリーガンを女の子に擬人化したMimi-SentryとEngieのお話。Mimi自体は賛否両論だったらしいけど、エンジとミミが親子的な描かれ方がしているのは個人的にすごくすき。アクションシーンもかっこよい。

・Jolly Rancher こちらはGMod（SFMではない）アニメーションなのだけれど、この方の作品はなんか好きで見ちゃうしGMod特有の謎の……フィーバードリーム的な…癖になる感じというか……混沌とした安寧……

・Buff Fortress 2 [SFM] サムネからしてアレなんですけど大好きなので何回もみてます

[totallycorrecttf2quotes]

Medic: i went through an entire character arc during the teleporter tumors death countdown  Medic: i became more evil if you’re curious Pyro: We’re still alive and not dying, don’t worry, there’s time for a redemption arc still! Medic: i’m going to get worse on purpose

[talbotgrimes]

low qual but cute starry gifs for u n the squad!!

source (x)

overlay from (x)

[incorrect-spiderverse]

Peter B Parker: “This is a bucket.”

Noir: “Dear God!”

Peter B Parker: “There’s more.”

Noir: “Nooo!”

Peter B Parker: “It contains the dying wish of everyone here. Spider-Ham, did you collect everyone’s dying wish?”

Spider-Ham: “You bet!”

Peter B Parker: “Everyone synchronize you’re death watches. We have 70hrs left to live. For most heroes, no time at all. But we are not most heroes, we are Spidermen! We have the sources and the will to make these last hours count! Let’s begin! Our first dying wish is Spider-Ham’s! He’s..... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car. Something is radiating off of me.”

Spider-Ham: “Those are stink lines! That’s why hit him, cause he stinks!”

Peter B Parker: “I see. there’s a picture of me having sexual congress with the Empire State Building. Empire State Building having sexual congress with me. Me and the Empire State Building relaxing post coidus.”

Miles: (whispers) “post coidus?”

Peter B Parker: “I am crying and the Empire State Building has more stink lin- DID ANYONE ELSE PUT A CARD IN THE BUCKET BESIDE SPIDER-HAM?!”

(everyone stands there silently)

Peter B Parker: “Fantastic! This was a huge waste if my time.”

Noir: “You did not read mine!”

Peter B Parker: *sigh* “Does it say that you want the buck-”

Noir: “YES!”

(Peter then gives the bucket to Spider Noir, and everyone walks away)

Peter B Parker: “See you all in Hell!”

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

70 HOURS BEFORE THE EVENTS OF WORLD OF LIGHT

*The Smashers are gathered around a table. Mewtwo, who is at the head of the meeting, drops a bucket full of paper slips onto the table.*

Mewtwo: This… is a BUCKET.

K. Rool: Dear God…

Mewtwo: There’s more.

K. Rool: No!

Mewtwo: …

Mewtwo: It contains the dying wish of every character here. Falco, you did collect everyone’s dying wish?

Falco: Oh, you bet! *salutes*

Mewtwo: Excellent. Everyone, synchronize your KO watches.

*Everyone promptly sets their match timers to 70:00:00.*

Mewtwo: We have seventy hours to live. For most people, no time at all. We are NOT most people. We are Smashers. We have the resources, and the will, to make these hours count!

*Everyone murmurs in approval.*

Mewtwo: The clock is ticking, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s begin.

*Mewtwo takes the first paper slip from the literal bucket list and examines it.*

Mewtwo: Our first dying wish is Falco’s. He’s… drawn a picture of me getting hit by a Warp Star. I have… something radiating off of me.

Falco: Yeah, those are stink lines.” *nudges an unamused Incineroar* “That’s why the Warp Star hit him. Cause he smells!

Mewtwo: Yes I see… Here you’ve drawn me having… sexual congress with Prism Tower.

Falco: *snerks*

Mewtwo: *tosses the paper aside and takes another* Prism Tower having sexual congress with me.

Falco: *starts giggling*

Mewtwo: *tosses THAT paper aside and takes yet another* Both of us relaxing post-coitus.

Falco: *bursts into helpless laughter*

*Isabelle mouths “Post-coitus?” in confusion, knowing she’d have to look it up but not wanting to know, and Falco is figuratively ROFL.*

Mewtwo: “I’m crying and Prism Tower has stink lines coming off of it-” *angrily crumples the card with telekinesis* DID ANYONE ELSE BESIDES FALCO PUT A CARD INTO THE BUCKET?!

*Most of the more mature fighters are struggling not to laugh, the younger fighters are confused and beginning to panic, and Falco, of course, is still laughing his ass off.*

Falco: Oh man, Classic Falco, right there! *snort*

Mewtwo: *sigh* Fantastic. This was a tremendous waste of my time.

K. Rool: *holds up a slip of paper* You didn’t read mine!

Mewtwo: *sigh* Does it say you want the bucket-

K. Rool: YES!

*Disgusted, Mewtwo levitates the bucket over as everyone else gets up to leave. K. Rool greedily grabs the pail with both hands before exiting.*

Mewtwo: See you all in hell!

*Now left alone in the room, Mewtwo pauses, and then curls up in a traumatized fetal position, having realized exactly how screwed everyone really is…*

[scrabbleknight]

*Since graduation was so close, Diana decided to bring the girls together to do a sort of "Make a Wish" party, where they would fulfil a wish of each person before school ends.*

Diana: Alright, I've asked Red Team to collect all of the wishes of everyone here and put it all in this bucket. Now then, let's start.

Diana: Our first wish is from Sucy. She's... drawn a picture of me being eaten by a dragon. There's something radiating off of me.

Sucy, smiling: Those are stink lines. It's what attracted the dragon to you.

Diana: Yes, I understand. *pulls out another card* Here is a drawing of me having sexual congress with Buckingham Palace- (Sucy: Hehehe~)

Diana: *throws card* Buckingham Palace having sexual congress with me- (Sucy: Hahaha!)

Diana: *throws card* Both of use relaxing, post-coitus. I'm crying and Buckingham Palace has stink lines coming out of it- DID ANYONE ELSE BESIDES SUCY PUT A CARD INTO THE BUCKET?!

*Everyone was silent.*

Diana: Great, this was a huge waste of time.

Akko: You didn't read mine.

Diana: Does it say you want the bucket?

Akko: Yes.

*Diana hands over the bucket to Akko, who gleefully takes it.*

[scribe-of-planes]

I am a worm

I like my men wiggly, squiggly. You want to be my lover? Earn it! Seduce me!

[incorrectagsquotes]

Herc: This is a bucket.

Night: Dear God.

Herc: There’s more.

Night: Nooo!

Herc: It contains the dying wish of everyone here. Seth, did you collect everyone’s dying wish?

Seth: You bet.

Herc: Everyone synchronize your contract watches. We have 70hrs left to live. For most heroes, no time at all. But we are not most heroes, we are Hellraisers! We have the sources and the will to make these last hours count! Let’s begin! Our first dying wish is Hanson’s! He’s... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car. Something is radiating off of me.

Hanson: Those are stink lines. That’s why I hit him, cause he stinks.

Herc: I see. There’s a picture of me... having sexual congress with the Empire State Building. Empire State Building having sexual congress with me. Me and the Empire State Building relaxing post coitus.

Pan: (whispers) Post coitus?

Herc: I am crying and the Empire State Building has more stink lin- DID ANYONE ELSE PUT A CARD IN THE BUCKET BESIDE HANSON?!”

(everyone stands there silently)

Herc: Fantastic! This was a huge waste of my time.

Truck: You didn't read mine!

Herc: Does it say that you want the buck-

Truck: YES!

(Herc gives the bucket to Truck, and everyone walks away)

Herc: See you all in Hell!

[sonic-wildfire]

Espio: “Suppose you’re in the following situation: You have a dinner date for 7:00. What time do you arrive?”

Sonic: “7:00. AM. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, I gotta kill him. Dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy no later than 4:30.”

Espio, looking at Sonic in apparent amazement: “You’re ready.”

Sonic: “Really?”

Espio: “No. Everything you just said was insane. And we are out of time. Congratulations! You’re a failure.”

[hankwritten]

TFComics Rewrite

I am currently plotting an outline for a TFComics, and I want to get my thoughts about fixes to canon and possibly get feedback. Since this is a rewrite there’s really no *spoilers* or anything, so I’m willing to answer all questions about what I plan to do. Also some characters I’m not so sure about how I want to retool them, so if your have ideas for your fav let me know!

Disclaimer:

This rewrite is intended to critique the content/choices made in the construction and telling of the Team Fortress 2 comic series. It is not a personal attack on the artists/writers/directors or any of the creatives that made contributions to this series, nor is it meant to substitute or replace the official release. This work is transformative in nature, and relies on an understanding of the source material to be understood. TF2 and its characters belong to Valve.

TFCR is working on the assumption that the audience has read the original comic, and as such will skip over scenes and plot points that are unchanged from the original. I don’t think it needs to be said, but this fanfiction will not make sense if you are not familiar with the source.

I also recognize that there are strengths within the comic’s writing and weaknesses within my own. Namely, that Valve writers are gods in the realm of comedy, and I’d rather not try to match them in the regard. As such, I will state up front that these will not be as funny as the TFComics. That is not to say there won’t be jokes (either ones transplanted from the source or some of my own) or that the tone of this will be terribly grimdark, only that my focus will be on improving story structure and character development as those are what appeal to me.

 The Broad Strokes

The goal of TFCR is to give a more engaging story for all the mercenaries we know and love, as--let’s face it--the TF2 mercs are side characters in their own damn story. These are some of the planned improvements.

There will be reason for each of the mercs to actually be there. As it stands, the motivations for almost every character besides Pauling and Saxton Hale are vague and unsatisfying. We’d usually say something along the lines of “money” for hired killers, but clearly Scout doesn’t even know if they’re getting paid, and some of the other characters are even worse. The hunt for the Australium is, therefore, boring. MacGuffins usually are, but at the very least the characters should care about the item even if the audience doesn’t. This work aims to give each of the nine mercs a motive and a reason to be in the story instead of just replaceable joke dispensers.

Explain what “Team Fortress” means, and how it relates to RED and BLU. Long and short: the nine mercenaries we see on the team are not from either RED or BLU but rotate between the two, and were the individuals selected to fight the robots. That means all things do happen to all characters. As Valve pretty much goes with “whatever is funniest at the time”, it’s very hard to make a cohesive theory about “where the hell is BLU team?”, but I’ll do my damndest. We’ll also examine Team Fortress’s relationship with the other capital T Teams, and why they’re considered the “rejects” of the bunch.

Comics 1 & 2 will be removed from the timeline as they serve no purpose, only taking what needs to be known about the plot’s setup and jumping straight to A Cold Day in Hell.

We will introduce the Classic Mercs right away so they can generate threat and play against the TF mercs when they do actually meet head to head.

We will not be killing off Gray Mann. (Not preemptively anyway.) In fact, there will be more focus on him and Olivia as villains facing off against the Admin, providing her foil as the TF2 and TFC mercs provide foils for each other.

I considered waiting until the final comic was out to begin working on this, but that may never happen. Jay Pinkerton said he may reveal what plot they had in store eventually, but considering it took Half Life over a decade to get the “I was once a Valve writer but my NDA has expired and now I can go buck wild” treatment, I’m not holding my breath. The main reason I wanted to do this is that the Administrator’s motivations are not interestingly foreshadowed, to the point where there aren’t even any good fan theories out there. That said, WritingDispenser and Riddle of the Sphinx helped come up with a pretty fun one, which was actually the inspiration for me to get off my butt and start plotting this.

There will be no queerbaiting. This refers both to HeavyMedic (which has been simultaneously used as wink wink nudge nudge joke many times and as encouragement for fans to play their stupid hat game) as well as lesbian Pauling (since femme lesbians are the preferred method for front facing LGBT representation across almost all media, but video games especially). If you need to understand why lesbian Pauling is an issue, Sarah Z coined the term “queercatching” in order to describe word of god confirmations on characters sexualities that are not followed up on in the text. I recommend the full video on it.

Due to the importance of immortality in the theming of the comics, respawn will not be a thing. Deaths we think should have happened previously will be explained as close calls, or that Medic can heal a short time after death. Medic and Scout’s deaths will be cut in the story itself, as after Sniper died and came back, them doing the same thing kinda lost their punch.

Scout

There will be no ScoutPauling hints. It doesn’t make sense to give screentime to this relationship because Valve obviously doesn’t think it’s going to go anywhere so why make Scout turn down advances from other hot women? I mean I get Expiration Date was a Thing but it feels like Scout’s whole motivation shouldn’t be reduced down to chasing a girl who doesn’t like him back.

He’s here because he lost his life’s savings in bad investments and needs the money. That’s it. Which is still somehow more than his canon motive which is question mark question mark question mark

He, Soldier, Spy, Demo, and Pyro all start the adventure with Miss Pauling.

Engages with Heavy on a genuine level when they go to collect him, Heavy doesn’t blow him off when he tries to level about dead dads.

There will be no DadSpy reveal. The way Spy treats Scout has never been “deadbeat dad feels bad about abandoning his kid” but more “this is someone I would kill without a second thought if I felt like it” which makes his reveal in comic 5 feel very disingenuous. I don’t think Valve even had this plotline in mind until comic 3, as #2 still has Spy seeming only to care about Scout’s Ma and not Scout himself. It also makes “seduce me!” retroactively weird.

Uhhh hooks up with Zhanna. This one isn’t critical I just think it’s funny.

Soldier

Soldier is going to be the Ur example of the Admin not treating her people well, as we’re going to lean into the whole “Soldier was only mildly messed up until the whole lead poisoning” thing.

He’s here because he’s blindingly loyal to the cause. He’s actually going to very little from canon because of this actually.

Might be the reason Team Fortress has a reputation of being the lower tiers of the Teams, but that doesn’t mean he’s damn good at his job. Fatal flaw is that he’s unstable, and even though the courthouse plotline won’t be in this fic, it should be noted that he actually does cause problems for the other protagonists due to his short temper. He’s a risky asset, but still essential.

There will be a minor explanation for the WAR! Comic, but I think that’s better saved for Demo’s analysis.

Pyro

Pyro is the character you could cut entirely from the comics and have the least change. Now, they’re going to be Pauling’s right hand. Let me explain.

Engineer and Pyro are implied to live together, and Pyro doesn’t have anything better to do than go with Engie after Team Fortress is disbanded. Rather than having a reveal, we will see some of what is going on with the Admin and friends early on, and see what leads up to her sending Miss P the note that kicks off the whole plot. However, while Engie needs to stay and look after her, Pyro’s skills aren’t useful here, and they are sent as a direct messenger to help Pauling.

They’re loyal, and unlike Soldier rarely mess up orders. They’re also partially mute, making them ideal for handling sensitive info. Pauling trusts them to handle the burning of “Elizabeth’s” paper trail.

Will be using they/them in the narrative voice, but other characters will refer to them as he/him. I considered going with it/its because that’s bubbled up in popularity again, but ultimately I decided against it.

We’ll get glimpses to their train of thought, but like the comics they will remain virtually silent.

Demo

Demo’s role in the cast is going to be very similar to Spy’s. The events of WAR! involved him nearly dying and Soldier taking the win, and he’s very bitter that after all those events *apparently* mercs can just be switched around teams willy nilly and don’t have to kill each other anymore. (As the audience, we know this is because the Admin found out the “make them so angry they won’t ask questions” wasn’t a long-term viable solution, and instead brought TFI forward as a neutral third party that was pretending to mediate the gravel wars.) But Demo’s suspicious, and is only along because he really has been miserable since he lost his job.

This conflict will eventually come to a head, more on that in the Sniper section.

Is fairly forgiving with his teammates. Doesn’t like Sniper but I’m willing to drop a little angst during that submarine scene. Is glad to see Medic actually. Here to be some glue to hold this merry band together.

The Eyelander will not be forgotten after 2 comics because I love this character concept and I think it was underutilized.

Drunk jokes will be kept to a minimum. What I liked about WAR! and Bombinomicon was that it took Demo and showed that they knew how to make him funny without making him one note, which they sort of did in the early TFComics but stopped in the later ones in favor of him….being asleep for the whole plot. I promise 100% awake Demo in my rewrite.

Demo likes Pauling on a personal level, but has trouble reconciling her with his feelings on TFI.

Doesn’t get knocked out by moonshine because. Seriously? Poisoning the Demoman with alcohol? In what world does that work.

Heavy

Not too much to change. Scout doesn’t accompany him when he goes to look for the secret Australium cache, and he engages with Mags and Saxton (which will be when the audience finds out what they’ve been up to) and actually cares about what’s going on with them. He thinks Darling is up to something. Which he is, he’s attempting to unseat both Gray and Helen due to long family history.

Will at least mention Medic. Their reunion falls a little flat since it mostly relies on Meet the Medic for context, as they don’t really interact in the comic. There can be a bit of a flashback to what it was like as all these mercs broke up.

I know uhhh Valve seems to think found family is really dumb, and that these murderers could ever like each other is silly or something, but the mercs do? Like each other? For the most part anyways. 

Bronislava and Yana come alone for adventures, not just Zhanna. Again, no real reason, but sometimes I get to have tacky fanfic stuff in my own fanfic because I Wanna.

Engineer

Engie ruminates on his family history of allowing all this bullshit to happen and just kind of shrugging. Basically Moss’s analysis of the Conagher themes.

Has put a lot of time, sweat, and tears into BLU and now TFI, isn’t willing to let it fall now, even if Admin is basically living on borrowed time. He’s doing this because of the ‘ole sunk cost fallacy.

Also we get to see more of Pauling and Admin’s relationship through his eyes.

Medic

Congrats on being the one merc with an actual arc, Medic! As a reward, you will not be changed much.

I’m actually going to use Medic’s section to say that the Classic mercs will be referred to by their first names in order to differentiate them, and we’ll get little previews of what they’re like from Medic’s perspective before we actually see them fight Team fortress. The battle at the submarine will be more of a fight in this sense, working it out so it seems like surrender is the only option after Sniper is killed.

Final fight with Cheavy will be...not blocked so awkwardly. I mean this is now a textual medium so my work is already halfway done, but still the pacing is so weird. Shudder.

Sniper

These are the big guns. Most changes, even more than Demo. He’s been actually hunting for New Zealand/the Australium cache on his own, and doesn’t want Pauling interfering, saying for a he knows she could have been the ones to kill his adoptive parents.

(She hasn’t, but the Admin did actually order them killed in an attempt to stop Sniper because she thought she could prevent the exact thing that is going on right now which is that Sniper is considering trying to get at it.)

Sniper doesn’t know this, but Pauling, Demo, and Spy eventually convince him to share his findings and help them get to New Zealand.

Spy

Similar to Demo but is less conflicted about it. He knows just because he likes someone doesn’t mean he won’t have to kill them later. 

Spy knows about who killed Sniper’s parents, and tells Demo, sort of as a test to see where his loyalties lie. He also knows that Pyro is Pauling’s confidant for certain things.

Demo questions him about what he’s doing here, whose side he’s really on. But you know. Spy is Spy and he was never really on anyone’s side but his own. When it comes down to it, it might be exactly as Scout thinks: that he’s ditched them all and run off when he had the opportunity. But, big damn hero, comes back in the end.

He’s here mainly to “keep an eye on things.” Also maybe because his gf asked him to keep an eye on her son :)

[incorrectraposa]

Mari: You want to be my lover?! Earn it! [slaps Jowee with a glove] Seduce me!

[totallycorrecttf2quotes]

Engie: So, we're fine! As long as nobody teleports any bread.

Soldier: Question.

Engie: What's your question, Soldier?

Soldier: I teleported bread.

Engie: What.

Soldier: You told me to!

Engie: How much?

Soldier: ..I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.

Medic: WHERE?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SENDING IT?!

[scrabbleknight]

*Yang was checking up on Ruby, who was testing something with Penny in a lab.*

Yang: So, what are you two nerds doing?

Ruby: Well, we've been doing some experiments on the teleporter and... J-just watch.

*Ruby presses a button and instantly, a load of bread appears from the teleporter.*

Weiss: So you've been teleporting bread here, all day? Is this really what my fortune is being spent on? I mean, sure, why not- HOLY HELL, WHAT IS THAT?!

*Penny breaks the bread in half, revealing bulbous growths inside.*

Penny, with a smile: Tumours.

*Penny looks at Jaune, who stopped eating his sandwich, only to continue seconds later.*