Marth: So Pit, how old are you?
Marth: Oh, okay.
Marth: Wait WH—
Link: I’m having so many ideas with this arm’s creation ability. What do you guys think of a enclosed mobile siege engine armed with cannon, with spiked wheels so that it can traverse rough terrain? I call it… (shows a sketch of what is essentially Da Vinci’s Fighting Vehicle) the Battle Wagon!
Ken and Ryu: (Trying to think of a way to explain WW1) Uhhh…
Link: Okay, what if it was on legs?
Snake: (Jolting up from a nearby Box) NO!
Dark Souls vs Skyrim Be Like
Dragonborn: Now stand aside, worth adversary.
Chosen Undead: ‘Tis but a scratch.
Dragonborn: A scratch!? You’re arms off!
Chosen Undead: No it isn’t!
Dragonborn: (points at Chosen Undead’s severed arm on the floor) Well what’s that then?
Chosen Undead: …..I’ve had worse.
Dragonborn: You liar!
Chosen Undead: Come on, ya pansy!
Ganondorf's Mario Party Birthday Plan
*In the League of Villains Boardroom and everyone, except K Rool, is there*
Ganondorf: Ah The birthday. The one day of the year that is solely about us. There’s no person alive with a moral conscience who would go out of their way to ruin another’s birthday, right?
*A photo of K Rool Appears*
Ganondorf: This here is the tryhar- *Stops himself* I mean the King Of Skill, and he’s apparently made it his lifelong mission to destroy each of us in Mario Party on our birthdays in order to achieve first, and now I’m the next in line
Ganondorf: But no. I’m not giving up without a fight! If I can’t beat the King of Skill in the battle of talent, I’ll bring out old reliable! A tool that even the most powerful opponents could not possibly hope to stand up against… *Takes out credit card* MY CREDIT CARD!!
Ganondorf: For this game, I messaged King Dedede over discord and made him an offer he could not refuse. HE will take the role of my personal secret assassin and that if he is able to make K Rool come in last, I will gift him a bounty of 200,000 All-Hylian Rupees!!
Ganondorf: However if K Rool comes in first or third, or if his cover is blown and the other smashers find out what my secret plan is, then Dedede gets absolutely NOTHING!!
People like to romanticize the relationship between Zelda and Link in a whole “destined reincarnated soulmates” kind of way, but am I the only one who thinks it would be more interesting if Link didn’t love Zelda?
Like, think of it. Hylia is a Goddess, basically Hylian Jesus, and she loves this mortal man. A hero who stepped forward to defeat a Devil in the world’s hour of greatest need. But, he didn’t do it for her, he did it for the World. Even when he binds his soul to the Triforce, locking himself in an endless pattern of reincarnation with her against the Devil Demise, it’s not because he loves her. He loves Hyrule and its people.
But that’s okay, maybe in the next life they can be?
But it isn’t. Over and over, Hylia becoming Zelda, Link doesn’t love her. He loves Hyrule. He loves to dance to its music and ride its fields and wants to preserve it against the threat of Demise. He loves different women each time, and sometimes it is Hylia’s reincarnation, but they’re never the core of his heart.
It’s always Hyrule that he loves. From it’s savage and arid deserts to the cold and harsh tundra, he loves it, and steps forward to save it each time.
Duty, he calls it. Responsibility and Purpose, but Hylia/Zelda knows the truth. He’ll never love her the way she wants him to.
Hyrule will always be Link’s first and greatest love.
Look, as much as I love celebrating Caesar’s death as the next Tumblrina, there’s an element to this that I think we need to address. About Caesar, about his assassination, about our reaction to it.
It didn’t work.
Killing Julius Caesar didn’t stop Rome from becoming an Empire. If anything it expedited the process. Because all the assassination did was turn Caesar into a martyr for his family and followers to turn into a standard to rally behind. The Republic fell, the Empire rose, and Caesar’s Assassination was the tipping point of it all.
In fact, there’s evidence Caesar had knowledge of the planned Assassination and went anyway, knowing what his death would turn him into. But why?
Fascists don’t get turned on by their followers when they die. They get turned on when they look weak.
By the time of his death, Caesar was sick. There’s evidence that he was incontinent and beginning to have mental problems. All in all, things that made him look weak.
I can’t say what would have happened in Brutus and the Senate had stayed their hand, but history would not have turned out the same way. Certainly, Caesar would not have been turned into a martyr with his assassination. If his followers had seen Caesar as he was, a shambling, dying, sick old man, would that have turned them on him? I can’t say.
The assassination of Julius Caesar isn’t a happy event, it’s a cautionary tale. I’m not saying this to ruin our Ides of March celebration, but I feel it needs to be said. Make Dictators look weak, and then stab them.
Nintendo, giving Link and Zelda a family:
Soulsborne Final Bosses poorly explained
Dark Souls: God is senile, forcibly retire him.
Dark Souls 2: Lich King Cersei Lannister tricked you into doing her dirty work or Treebeard with the One Ring beats your ass.
Dark Souls 3: Parry all you want, you can’t parry the feels.
Sekiro: Swordsman hatches from grandson, shoots you in face.
Bloodborne: Local paraplegic regains use of legs specifically to kick your ass. Failing that, the moon does it for him.
Elden Ring: Kill God’s malesona and pet amoeba.
Ares in Mythology:
Kills the guy who tried to assault his daughter and refused to apologize for it when he got put on trial (it was ruled justifiable homicide by Athena btw).
The only time he’d been captured in battle was when he was protecting his mom from being captured by giants who wanted to forcibly marry her.
Found and Freed Thanatos when he was imprisoned by Sisyphus when no other Gods could
Helps found the Amazons by helping their founder escape her abusive husband and becomes their patron God.
Genuinely loves and respects Aphrodite as her own person
One of his epithets is “feasted by women”.
Ares in Modern Media:
Meatheaded sexist asshole out of an eighties teen movie.
Conclusion: My boy is getting done dirtier than Hades in modern representation. Ares is one of the least problematic Gods in the pantheon (except for the murders, I will grant you) and ya’ll are sleeping on him.
If I may once again dip my toe into the discourse surrounding Greek Mythology, a lot of people like to rewrite or reframe the story of Medusa, and that’s great! Highly encourage it. But, DON’T YOU DARE GO AND DEMONIZE MY BOY PERSEUS!
Perseus isn’t some vile misogynist who hunts down and murders Medusa for the hell of it. He’s a scared kid who’s trying to save his mom from a forced marriage (whom herself has been a victim of terrible abuse from her father) to a creepy evil king and gets duped by the Gods into cleaning up their mess for them. He’s not the villain, he’s just another pawn. So if I see one more motherfucker trying to make him out to be the “real monster” I will throw hands.
You know what would be way more interesting?! Medusa sees Perseus rolling up to her crib and freaks out cause ‘holy shit this is a fucking kid. a fucking toddler with a sword and shield.’ and they hash it out and then TEAM UP to kill the evil kind trying to force marry Perseus’ mother! Think of the dynamics that you could write! The interactions that could occur. I mean, one of ‘em is gonna have to wear a blindfold but hey, minor problems.
What I’m saying is, gimme a buddy cop movie where Perseus and Medusa team up to fight evil in Ancient Greece.
Do ya’ll ever think Hyrule was never invaded specifically BECAUSE it’s getting invaded by Demons every five minutes? Like, a foreign power takes one look at Ganondorf stomping through the country and they’re just like “nah thanks”, and turn their army around like Thranduil in the first Hobbit movie?
I love the differences in Fallout protagonists.
Fallout 3: You’re the child of a brilliant scientist and the one destined to save the world through both your own and your father’s actions.
Fallout 4: A survivor, a literal piece of the Old World that woke up to change everything. The human equivalent of a nuke in its silo.
Meanwhile in Fallout New Vegas you’re a random fuck-off mailman who stumbled dick backward into being a warlord. What’s going on? Courier 6 doesn’t know! All they know is that a motherfucker in a checkered suit shot them and stole their poker chip and now all the Mojave will feel their wrath. Their friend group is less The Avengers and more the gang from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It’s amazing.
Just saw D&D: Honor Among Thieves, some thoughts
- Yes, perfect, this is exactly what I wanted from my D&D movie, complete ridiculousness taken 100% seriously. Perfect. No notes.
- Watching Chris Pine be a charming little cringe-fail bard is amazing.
- WHAT SANE MAN WOULD LEAVE A WOMAN LIKE HOLGA?! SHE’S LITERALLY PERFECT! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A YOU PROBLEM BUCKO! SHE’S LITERALLY FLAWLESS!
- Head: Sofina evil. Heart: Hrrgh, hot evil lady step on me.
- Xenk Yendar is the purest force of good in the world and must be protected at all costs. Not that he needs it, but I’m sure he would graciously accept the sentiment.
- Simon hit his insecurities right in the face. Now I just need me a way to do that too.
- A beautiful and charming found-family dynamic that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
- STOP BULLYING THE FAT DRAGON! HE’S TRYING HIS BEST!
- No Tarasque. Goddammit.
- Ultimately, 8/10, needs more Drow and Tarasques.
IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS ON THE MARIO MOVIE TRAILER
1. Animation is surprisingly solid, especially for Illumination. You can tell Nintendo shelled out the big bucks to make this look good.
2. Jack Black’s Bowser was great. I like that he’s actually trying to sound like Bowser and not giving him a joke voice. Bowser was, overall, pretty intimidating for a cartoon villain.
3. The gag where the Penguins fight back like action heroes and it’s just snowballs and Bowser’s just standing there did make me laugh.
4. Sorry, Chris Pratt just DOES NOT sound like Mario. It’s such a friggin’ disconnect between the actual shape of Mario and the voice they give him. They do not belong together.
5. Toad was great. Moving on.
6. SHOW ME MY BOY LUIGI YOU COWARDS!
7. Maybe it’s because my expectations were so low going in, but I was pleasantly surprised by the trailer.
8. Basically, there’s two way you can play a Mario Movie. Either you take it completely 100% seriously and play ridiculous and insane part of the cartoon world they exist in straight, or absolutely nothing is taken seriously. They seem to be leaning towards the former right now.
9. Feeling pretty hopeful, honestly.
Soulsborne games explaine badly
Dark Souls: Local Zombie tries to leave poorly funded mental Hospital, kills God, gets set on fire.
Dark Souls 2: Local Zombie is unwillingly elected President King of Detroit.
Dark Souls 3: Local Zombie and Blind Angel Kill God and don’t set themselves on fire.
Bloodborne: You just wanted to stab furries and then things got weird.
Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice: Naruto cosplayer destroys nation to make God cry and make child die.
Elden Ring: A lot of this could have been prevented with family therapy and polyamory.