#THIS SHIT IS GOING TO GET SOMEBODY KILLED

[mayflora-18]

Incorrect CoD Quotes #8

*Soap grabs a balloon filled with helium and inhales*

Price: Oh god not again!

Soap: HOW Are unicorns fake but a giraffe is real!?

Ghost: WHAT?

Soap: Like, what’s more believable?

Gaz: Where are you going with this?

Soap: A horse with a horn *aggressively claps on “horn”* ORRRRR a leopard moose camel with a 40 foot NECK?

Sherlock: I work with idiots 😑

———

Ghost: Does anyone else think…

Soap: That’s dangerous.

Ghost: That some people… just need a high five…

Price: That’s nice, Simon.

Ghost: In the head…

Roach: Yassss

Ghost: With a chair?

Gaz: Why are you like this?

———

Ghost: Okay, what does A stand for?

Roach: Arson.

Ghost: Aww you’re so good.

Soap: Okay B. What does B stand for?

Roach: Barson.

*Soap laughs*

Gaz: What stands for C?

Roach: Commit arson.

Ghost: Ooooooh!

Price: D!?

*Roach looks at Price and smiles*

Price, thinking: Please be normal.

Roach: Don’t come near me… I’m going to commit ARSON!!!!

*everyone else laughs*

Price, sarcastic: I raised him real well.

———

Sherlock: How did you take down Captain America?

Ghost, using a terrible German accent: Ve shot him in ze legs because his shield is ze size of a dinner plate.

König, overhears Ghost: …Fick dich🖕(“Fuck you” in German)

———

Ghost: Umm, do you have a pencil by any chance?

Rudy: No, but I have a knife…

Ghost: What-what?

Rudy: And I know how to cut a bitch… *whispers* Try me

———

*Rudy cooking in the kitchen*

Alejandro, walking in: Hey mi amor?

Rudy: ahuh?

Alejandro: If somebody told you they’d give you a million dollars for knocking me out, what would you do?

*Rudy immediately slaps Alejandro with a frying pan*

Rudy: Where’s my money?

Alejandro, on the floor: 😵‍💫

———

Roach, singing for Sherlock: Somebody come get her, she’s fucking up my dinner~

*Sherlock throws a plate at and he falls down*

Sherlock, singing for Roach: Somebody come get him, before I fucking end him!~

———

Nikolai: There’s a spider!

Laswell: So what do you me to do?!

Nikolai: KILL IT!

Laswell: YOU SAW IT FIRST!

Nikolai: YOU KILL IT!

Laswell: You’re the man!!

Nikolai: Since when?!

———

Stupid-drunk!Roach to Sherlock: You so crazy… I think I wanna have your babies.

Sherlock: 😐

Gaz, thinking: I don’t know if I should be confused or just jealous.

Soap, just confused: How would that even work?

Ghost : I think it’s time for you to go to sleep, Roach.

———

Sherlock: Listen. Am I the most attractive person in the world?

Soap: Is this a trick question?

Sherlock: No. But do I have a great personality?

Price: *face palms*

Sherlock: Also no. But do I wake up every morning and try to be the best person I can be?

Ghost, has only heard the first half of this bit before: I actually don’t know this one…

Sherlock: No.

Nikolai: …Sweetie, did Ghost get to you?

———

Price : Repeat after me: I can do this!

Nikolai: I can do this.

Price: I’m ready to burn some calories!

Nikolai: I’m ready to burn some calories.

Price: I’m done eating fast food and drinking alcohol.

Nikolai: …I’m ready to burn some calories.

Price: Alright, let’s get started!

———

Soap, Gaz, Ghost: Ahhh

Soap: We’re d-d-d driving in a-

Gaz: Car! Destination drug dealer’s-

Ghost: Bar! Pass the mic over to Price-!

Soap: Shit, we forgot Price.

Ghost: …But we can’t turn back because we’ve too far!

Gaz: We have to turn back, though. We can’t leave him.

———

Alejandro: You eat so fucking gross, Graves. Do you eat like that on dates?

Graves, cheeks puffed up with meatballs and marinara sauce on his face: …I don’t go on dates.

Alejandro: Exactly. There’s a reason why no one takes you on dates.

Graves: Well damn! Who hurt you today?

Alejandro: Bitch nobody.

———

Graves: Hey, Sergeant. …Soap.

Soap: What?

Graves: *hands Soap a coffee cup* Try this coffee and tell me what it tastes like.

Soap: *takes the cup and gives it a sip* Hazelnut?

Graves: I don’t know, I found it in the garbage.

*Soap tries to spit it out*

———

Gaz: Nikolai, what’s wrong with Sherlock? She seems angry.

Nikolai: She’s totally fine.

Gaz: Okay? Well, where’s Graves?

Sherlock, walking into the room: Maybe he got sick… or went missing… OR GOT HIT BY A BUS!!

Gaz: 🙊

*Sherlock leaves the room*

Gaz: Totally fine, huh?

Nikolai: Yeah… Totally fine.

———

Nikolai: So, the man that tried to kill you - what did he look like?

Sherlock: He was so hot. It was crazy.

Price: O-ok. But what did he look like?

Sherlock: I mean where should I start? Uh, he was tall, you know, maybe 6’3” or 6”4”? Uh absolutely just jaaacked! But not like scary-body-builder jacked. Like, he was ripped but he still had a soft touch. You could totally fall asleep in his arms.

Price: Alright what did his face look like??

Sherlock: Well- uh- y’know Brad Pitt?

Price: Yeah?

Sherlock: Forget Brad Pitt. This guy was hotter.

Nikolai: Hotter than Brad Pitt??

Sherlock: Hotter than Bradley Joseph Pitt.

Soap: That’s crazy!

Sherlock: I would pay money to gaze into those eyes again.

Gaz: Even after he tried to kill you?

Sherlock: I almost wish he’d stabbed me to death and took his time doing it just so the last thing I saw could’ve been those ocean blue eyes.

Ghost: I’m getting a little hot just off your description so I can only imagine how it felt to be there!

Sherlock: Insane.

Gaz: Gosh I can’t believe he was hotter than Brad Pitt.

Ghost: Hey, what did she say about Brad Pitt?

Gaz: Oh, shoot! I-I-I-I I’m sorry!

Soap: Yeah, forget Brad Pitt!

Gaz: Done! Forgotten! Who is he?

Ghost: He doesn’t exist.

Soap: He’s gone.

Gaz: Bradley David Pitt is no more.

Sherlock: Good!

Price and Nikolai: 😑

(Note: Sorry there was no post yesterday! There will be more later, promise!)

[dduane]

PSA: *Beware* AI-generated fungi guidebooks!!

…Not a phrase I imagined myself typing today. But, via @heyMAKWA on Twitter:

“i'm not going to link any of them here, for a variety of reasons, but please be aware of what is probably the deadliest AI scam i've ever heard of:

“plant and fungi foraging guide books. the authors are invented, their credentials are invented, and their species IDs will kill you.”

…So PLEASE be careful if you run across anything of this kind.

(ETA: Corrected egregious typo in the title. Apologies, as I was [a] in bed [b] typing hurriedly and one-handed on the iPad, and [c] I think its native keyboard may need recalibration, but also [d] I was upset about what I was having to post, because seriously, WTF?!!)

[desatu]

been on an assassins creed kick

[spider-man-2o99]

still overall optimistic as i had been figuring smthn like this would be the case ever since the full trailer drop. but. also know better than 2 get my hopes up just so they can later get crushed. feel like both andy samberg and the dog here praying these words aren't empty and that they don't just completely massacre miguel in atsv for the sake of bruteforcing a cheap kingpin parallel LOL

[arthur-r]

something’s just not right / there’s hunger in my eyes, but you’re not looking into mine / in the morning light / i wake up next to you, but we’re no longer entwined / i want to love you with a ravenous hunger, tear your flesh into mine / you say you like me, but you’d rather that i listen quiet, keep it all inside / i romanticize a lust for blood and the glint of evil in your eyes / any kind of sign, something to tell me that your heart is burning just like mine / rend me to pieces if that’s what it takes to tell me that i taste divine / there’s something wrong but i just can’t quite place it, leave me on the precipice, i’m fine / something awakening and stirring inside me / i’m gearing up, your pretense in decline / i slice my heart up on a platter and find that you don’t even wanna dine / i gave my soul up, you can eat me raw / diced up and vulnerable, i’m yours to try / you’re glancing to the side, bored, and find that you don’t even wanna dine!!!!

[emdotcom]

I am going to snip a wire in the stupid fucking kareoke machine they gave to this toddler. Fuck you for letting her on that shit at any hour.

[dxsole]

!!!

[nomaishuttle]

its literally so insane that my brother has like parents who arent young like thats insane... they were 34 when they had him... they were 20 when they had me which like isnt Insanely young but its still young yk. young enough that ppl r like Omg yr parents r so young ! when i say how old they are... but theyre gonna be 40 next year WHICH IS CRAZY. 40 year old parents hes like a kid from a disney channel show.

[dreamcast-official]

im so fucking mad actually

[scoreplings]

i hate when i do stupid shit that i know will make me more upset and then i get more upset

[handgiven]

"I was, admittedly, a rougher thing then." - From Garcia (throw whoever you want at him <3 )

interview with the vampire prompts / @burdenedwithfaith

the fallen gave a dry chuckle. the amusement didn't quite reach his eyes but it was the closest to a genuine laugh he's gotten in a while. it's been ages, and garcia looked much the same, though older, while kesabel didn't change a bit. "a rougher thing... ha! you almost broke my nose. -- or did you forget that part?"

[mx-paint]

Seeing someone claim a book is "pro-genocide" and knowing that the part of the book they are referring to literally could not have a louder message of "anti-genocide" if it fucking tried.

[sexygaywizard]

I've been seeing a lot that people are really surprised and upset that pissvortex got banned, and while I think it's fucked up and shitty that he did get banned, I also don't think it's very surprising because- and here's something I think a lot of non-TERFs don't understand- TERFs navigate this website very differently from the rest of us. The standard reaction to any non-TERF encountering a TERF is to block them, and generally not engage. You know, we have block lists of TERFs that go around. TERFs themselves, they don't really do this shit. They don't have huge block lists of trannies- I mean that would be like 80% of the fucking site- what they do is they keep watch of accounts that they really fucking hate and they hang out in their little discord servers because they're petty and vicious and have nothing better to do than fill their lives with poison and venom, and they harass you to provoke you, and when you say some shit about how terfs should kill themselves or be scalped, they share it around between themselves and mass report it. And absolutely no large social media website, not Tumblr, not Twitter, not Facebook, is going to see a post that received hundreds of reports where you said that somebody should be scalped and think, "Oh but was the other person being like a real huge asshole though?" That's not how they work. They just ban you. Whatever moderator is managing that shit does not care enough to look into the larger societal wide context of why you said that. I'm not saying this to say that you should be kind to or play nice with TERFs, I'm just saying this so that you can perhaps have an awareness of how some of your posts may look to a moderator who's received hundreds of reports about them. They're playing a different game, so play smart

[continuousmeowing]

I find it so infuriating how American politicians so worried about trans people using the bathroom or some shit while people are dying because of the things they refuse to do anything about.

[grox]

Someone in the replies of that death grips post brought up ween as being a meme band too and like. Yeah. But as someone who went to both ween and death grips this year the difference was palpable and the difference was upsetting. Ween wasnt being treated as a fucking, like, lookatme! fest, wasnt treated like a literal joke to be seen going to, they weren't throwing WATER BOTTLES at them, weren't making them end the concert early, and it genuinely, truthfully felt like everybody was there because they love ween, or at least like ween, and want to, see ween (Except for me, I went because I wanted to go to wisconsin.. But I was still fucking loving it!) Everybody was feeling themselves, and frankly thats because ween.. isnt black music. Black people couldn't get away with being ween. And thats what the post was fucking about, gecs, nin, none of that would be taken seriously if the musicians were black. Once a black artist whos just a liiiiittle bit experimental gets known the most fucking annoying white people in the world start latching on, liking shit "ironically", for the fucking lulz or whatever. Before arbitrarily deciding one day to turn around and say some shit like.. "Okay we talk shit buttt this shit smacks!!!!" Mf doom jpegmafia fuck man mario judah even X. The soundcloud rap empire. But death grips specifically there's just this HUGE fucking air of disrespect for the craft, the fucking PEOPLE behind it that's so fucking prevalent maybe its my fault for opening reddit but god damn these people are insane. How do none of these people ever stop for 1 second and just, like, consider: What would MC Ride think? Does he particularly enjoy seeing the 24th lollipop boy? Is he happy that theres people playing tech deck in the pit? And you should be considering this. How the fuck do you think he feels? It's his fucking concert! Somebody please kill anthony fantano!