#THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO WRITE OH MY GOD

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

On Kurapika's Self-Imposed Isolation

While I recognize that probably everything I'm about to say is going to be super obvious, I just wanted to briefly touch on Kurapika's self-isolation, and the reason behind his not picking up his phone or exchanging anything more than clipped words and business after Yorknew.

I think the obvious answer is that Kurapika doesn't want his friends in harms way, or to be used as a bargaining tool against him. This is an understandable and probably accurate conclusion. After all, Gon and Killua did get taken hostage, and Kurapika was forced to negotiate an exchange. Chrollo picked up on Kurapika's "weakness" right away - that he values his friends' safety before his revenge. Fortunately for Kurapika in this situation, Pakunoda was a whole lot more similar to him than he would've cared to admit, as she placed a value on Chrollo's life even though everyone in the Spider was intended to be replaceable. So, now that he's been through Gon and Killua having potentially gotten killed or seriously hurt, and Chrollo knows that he has a soft spot for them, it does make sense that he would try to push them away for their safety and for the sake of not having an exploitable "weakness" in future. He may also not want to burden them more when they have their own lives to live - he does slip off without telling Gon and Killua for the sake of not distracting them from Nen training, after all.

Except that he already tried all this earlier in Yorknew arc. He tried to tell them they shouldn't get involved, and they all agreed that the risks were massive - but his friends agreed to undergo the risks anyways to help him. Kurapika was even grateful for it - "I have been blessed with good friends."

So, for him to push them away solely for this reason after the fact, knowing that this was very much a likely situation to happen, is a little odd to me. Kurapika knows full well that Leorio would be frustrated, Killua would be offended and Gon would worry. So, I think there's a little more to it than that, and I actually would venture to say that "keeping his friends out of danger" is more a secondary reason for his actions - one that would come across as more of a reasonable excuse to others.

The primary reason is likely a lot more selfish than that. Kurapika has to ensure his mission comes first. And unfortunately, he is fully aware that his path and choice in abilities is deeply self-destructive.

Kurapika needs to make sure that he doesn't have exploitable weaknesses, sure, but he also just as much needs to purposefully worsen his headspace - and he can't do that with those three around.

Think back, what are the happiest moments we see from Kurapika in the series? The one that comes to mind first, and the one I'm sure most of us will think of immediately, is this:

[ID: A screenshot from the 2011 anime adaptation. Kurapika smiles - he looks at ease. End ID.]

It's one of the sweetest scenes of the series imo, right before the whole group is reunited for the first time since the Zoldyck Family arc, and it's even more notable because it comes immediately on the tail end of this...

[ID: Three panels from HxH Chapter 101. Kurapika removes his contacts over the sink. His expression is distant. End ID.]

...and this...

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A close up of Kurapika's vacant and furious expression, his eyes wide and dangerous as he says "It might as well be you." Though the art is in black and white, it's apparent his eyes have gone scarlet. End ID.]

...and this.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A distant Kurapika speaks on the phone on a rooftop at night, the cityscape of Yorknew around him dark, but speckled with lights and stars. He says "The Spiders are dead." His face is not visible to the reader. End ID.]

This is, up to this point in the series, Kurapika at his lowest. In contrast to Gon, who is happy to hear that the Spiders are dead already because now Kurapika can focus solely on finding his peoples' eyes, Kurapika... is clearly not happy - and that's because killing the Spiders himself isn't just revenge. It's penance. It's survivor's guilt. Kurapika's powers, which Izunavi even comments sound much like he is chaining himself in the process of chaining his enemies, are oh-so-beautifully prophecied to destroy him - and Kurapika was aware of this from the moment he set off down this path of revenge.

(As a side note, this is why I'm really hoping we see Gon and Kurapika interact again after the Chimera Ant arc - while Gon has always been pretty attentive to Kurapika's emotional state, in Yorknew, he lacks a true understanding of why Kurapika would go so far... but as of now, he understands rage fueled by guilt and grief all too well. I know we're all rooting for Leorio to reach Kurapika, but barring that, I really think Gon could get through to him - after all, they are similar in several ways, and I find it fairly apparent that Gon reminds Kurapika of Pairo.)

But back to the main point here - I do suspect Kurapika expects (if not wants) his revenge mission to destroy him. I think a lot of times, we forget just how young Kurapika is, and how much his character is dictated by honour, and the abandonment of it.

Certainly, he can and will go against his principles for the sake of his mission... yet, almost paradoxically, he's bound to his promise to his fallen clan; a promise to avenge them made in anger.

But Kurapika... doesn't come across as a naturally angry person to me at all.

He seems like the stoic, vengeful type on his initial introduction... and then we get his panic at Gon's recklessness

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 2. Kurapika and Leorio wear matching expressions of panic in front of Gon, calling him out for his recklessness. End ID.]

...and his near-immediate forgiveness of Leorio after getting the first inkling of his character - of someone who cares just as fiercely as he does.

And after that point? Almost all through the Hunter Exam? Kurapika smiles so readily at them. He's sharp and funny. He mediates at times, but is stubbornly prideful in others. He's very amused by his friends' antics, and it really does seem like he starts to enjoy himself, with them. And, more than that, he counters Leorio's initial impression of him as an independent loner - on several occasions. He decides to follow Gon because Gon intrigues him. Asides from Gon, it is Kurapika who is the most unwilling to fight each other at the bottom of Trick Tower. Kurapika who makes the first move to team up with Leorio, even though that arrangement benefits Leorio much more than it does him. Kurapika who refuses to abandon Leorio to his fate in the cave, and who checks on Gon after noticing his bad mood. Who was furious enough watching him get beat down by Hanzo that his eyes went scarlet for the first and only instance outside of Spider mentions and Emperor Time. Who quite readily detoured to help rescue Killua.

[ID: Three screenshots from the 2011 adaptation Hunter Exam arc. In the first, Kurapika smiles at a sleeping Leorio. In the second, Kurapika stifles laughter as he pretends he's asleep. In the third, Kurapika has an open-mouthed smile as he acquires the airship tickets for them, Leorio and Gon standing behind him. End ID.]

Look at him! He's so bright! So happy!

...too happy. Too happy to do what he promised himself he would do. And that's his biggest fear, isn't it. Without his rage... what is he left with?

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 2. A close up of Kurapika's eye as he says "I do not fear death. What I fear is that my rage will one day fade away." End ID.]

Kurapika is far, far less mired in anger when he's with his friends. I actually dare to say that at certain points, he was able to go for lengths of time without thinking much about it - alternating between almost forgetting in one instance and being hit like a sledgehammer on exposure to a reminder in the next. This violent swing is... actually the beginnings of the natural process of healing from loss and trauma. But to Kurapika, who's made a promise to his people's memories, this is not a relief. This is betrayal.

I think that actually scares him, that he can almost picture it. A life beyond his guilt. That he, too, could learn to be happy, even after unimaginable loss.

And so, as Kurapika continues his mission offscreen, finding more and more gruesome reminders of the cruelty inflicted on his people and losing more and more pieces of himself in the process (in his own words, no less), he prioritizes his responsibility to them, and pushes away his distractions. He cannot be a soul at peace until his work is done; he must be in turmoil. He pushes people away who he cares for, and binds himself, and keeps his people's eyes on him, quite literally, because respite, for him, is unacceptable. Perhaps that guilty part of him even hopes, by the end of this, that his soul will be so unrecognizable as to be fundamentally unsalvageable. But the truth of the matter is, or at least what comes across to me, is that Kurapika cares much more fiercely than he hates. He knows what matters most. And for as long as he does, he still hasn't truly lost himself.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 350. Kurapika looks down at baby Woble with a gentle, yet complicated expression. The inking is somewhat softer. End ID.]

Kurapika's soul is kind, really. And it wants to heal - but for the sake of his mission, he needs it damaged and bleeding. And so, he forces himself to exist in that pain. All alone.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 344. Kurapika, dressed in a black suit, sits with his back to the reader, looking down at a photo in his hand. He is slumped a little before the church vigil he has prepared, all his clan's eyes lined up in their jars and honoured with flowers and candles. He thinks to himself "There is no home for me to return to... and nobody to welcome me back. I have nothing left." End ID.]

[missingn000]

hey all! i wrote a what-if character study & action fic for if king fought sanji instead of zoro during the raid on onigashima. i'd really love if you gave it a read! thanks so much!

link

playlist

happy reading!

[sea-slumber]

[pepperyhoney]

COLLEGE END TERM EXAMS ARE KILLING MEEEE but

I saw someone saying that he is blaming himself for something that is not his fault completely because he always does (re: AM retirement), and that katsuki is showing how much he is a soft person at heart. And how he is not to blame for this. But i have a slightly different interpretation from this.

i think Katsuki was not a soft person. and I think that here was not a show of how much he loves to blame himself. it is stated again and again how much of him is brash and callous and arrogant, and like his mother and himself said, he is given too much praise and never really tasted rejection or failure—except from himself. and even then, he never dwells too much on it and just keep having the mindset of improving and one upping everyone including himself. the sigma grindset, if you will. Even though his outward theatrics shows how explosive he is and how he gets so agitated at many things, he has shown that he has more emotional control in battle than even Midoriya-I-Will-Go-Berserk-Over-My-Endangered-Lover-Izuku. like he even has to remind Izuku to not dwell on things lest it kills him.

Then he came back from the dead.

The death itself is a significant factor. "Can I still catch up to you?" as one of his last thoughts, was something he now consider his reality, his acceptance of himself and Izuku. He reframed the way he tasted failure and rejection of what he thinks the way he is - of how he perceived Midoriya and that what he rejects about him in the first place then came to reject him in return-into something that once again motivates him to win and to always have a goal, his newborn northern star.

When All Might retires, he blames himself because all might is the symbol of peace and people around the world now lost it and there's a new imbalance that he feels are a part of his responsibility. But truly, regardless of anything, all might will retire anyway due to his injury. It is not his fault. He just hates the feeling of "failing" to save himself, that he needed to be saved. He doesn't want to accept that.

Then we get a narrative of how quirk is viewed by the world, the sides of it, and the darkest part of it. Izuku is shown to be affected by this too, while relying on his own belief that stems from all might idealism (the vigilante era). But then his class shows how much that idealism is no longer sustainable, and repeating the same things aren't going to do anyone any good. Katsuki, despite the lack of narrated inner thoughts, is a part of crowd who instill it to izuku as well. Then he apologized. He knows that Izuku is this self sacrifical because of him. That he thinks he can't truly save anyone without giving a part of himself. Which circles back to how he accepted izuku as a rival and a partner. He now see him as he is and accept the part of it was his fault. Katsuki went on with life because he thinks that now Izuku can always change for the better, like he always do, and he will be there on his heels, to be with him and to accept his hand, and i quote, "for the rest of their lives".

When izuku has to give up OFA to try save Tenko, when he really showed how much he is willing to give up anything- even the greatest gift and his raison d'etre that is propelling him to this point along with Katsuki himself (because you know, izuku extend his hands to everyone and that starts with his extension to Katsuki), That is really what hits home to him. That they're so interwined with each other, that izuku has always been a hero to him as much as he is to Izuku, that the extended hand he swatted all those years ago, is the same hand that still give a part of himself away to tenko shimura in an attempt to save him. Izuku was always a hero because he will not hesitate to save anyone.

Now that he saw Izuku as a rival, and saw izuku as what he is, he truly sees how much saving is tied to the act of being saved, that everyone has to help each other to truly win, that to protect someone, you have to be willing to be protected to save yourself, too. Now, the hand he rejected all those years ago, the person he rejected again and again, is unable to save himself from fate, and the worse part, he can't protect him from fate and himself. He saw how much his actions truly meant, he saw how apology only grazed the surface wound of the consequence of a childhood ignorance. Now he truly understands that all he wanted was to protect Izuku; that it was all a misdirection of what he truly wants, to be a hero that protects people. that misdirection in turn bites him in form of losing his hero that saved him from himself. So, with tears of realization too late, "no... just what the hell did i do to you?".

the despair he feels is because he has so much respect for izuku and that bittersweet feeling of knowing that izuku choice is going to change everything, as well as knowing he has a part on it. He can't take back anything, and izuku has to live with it, and how does it truly feel to see the one you now saw as your equal, goal, northern star, to rise and dim because of you?

Katsuki was not a soft person. he is, now. Because he is saved by the people around him. Thats why his wish was to save izuku, too. He wishes there was another way, he wishes that the fate izuku has didnt have to enforce izuku's already self sacrificing beliefs. He wish that he is saved from the fate. He cries because he knows he is inseparable from it all-even if it wasn't truly his fault. He loves and respect him and knowing he is inseparable of what makes him love and respect him is making him realize the gravity of the situation. He changed so much from the brash and arrogant kid he was, that now instead of being angry and challenging at fate not going his way, he yearns for them to change so that the person he truly cares about is saved. His admittance and heartfelt confession is one hell of a leap and show how much he changed, and reducing it to him blaming himself for something not his fault is kinda redundant and insulting to his character development.

[abysswalkersknight]

Bloody finally finished a fic! It might just be the longest one I've ever done and it certainly felt like it when writing it. This is the first fic for my twst x final fantasy au so I did a lot of research with ffxiv and ffxvi I hope you like it, I did my best to keep the Eikon names out because I have know idea what to call them if anyone has any suggestions? I might eventually decide to put it on ao3 as well if anybody was interested.

Apologies for the rushed ending though, it was much longer then I intended for it to be and I was running out of paper. But other then that please enjoy!

........................

Where did his little one go?

Was what was spiralling through the old general’s head when he returned home to an empty house, there were no soft greetings from his precious dear or even his cute pale face peeking around the corner. ‘Silver? I’m home!’ He calls out, wondering if his son was simply playing outside with his animal friends. There was no answer. He was met with a heavy silence, my, how odd.

Normally Lilia wouldn’t have minded his son’s absence as the boy had often the habit of falling asleep in the most random of places and would need a bit of encouragement to wake up, but Lilia’s checked in all the cupboards, the bathroom, their bedrooms and closets, hell he’s even dropped down onto the cool wooden floor to peer under the beds themselves. But there was simply no sign of his boy, perhaps he’s just having some alone time, while that in itself was just fine, the silence furrowed Lilia’s brow and stirred something deep and restless within his chest, he glanced outside the window, thankfully the snow that day was only light but the darkening clouds above spoke of a daunting blizzard approaching, I should go look for him, the storm could be here by nightfall. Oh well, an extra walk wouldn’t be much of a bother and the racing in his heart will only be quelled with his darling boy either nestled within his arms or safely within his sight.

And all because of his blasted heritage.

Silver had hardly experienced a few years of a normal life, only for those few short years to be shattered the moment it was discovered that Silver was a Dominant… And in possession of a very special Eikon.

Typically it was rare for a kingdom to possess even one Eikon, their Dominants often dying off too soon from overuse and the Eikon vanishing into thin air until they chose another poor soul to haunt. 

Briar Valley, on the other hand, knew how to take care of their Dominants and has had the pleasure to lay claim to two Dominants, soon to be three with the strongest being their very own prince and future king. Many would foolishly dream of receiving such a privilege, to be ‘blessed’ by a being akin to a god, Lilia had always loathed this high ‘honour’. It was no blessing, nothing to gaze adoringly at, this curse was nothing more than a fancy name for the tight chains shackled upon all who were burdened with such power, he should know, he himself owned a very old pair. Earlier on in his life Lilia had quickly discovered that a Dominant nothing more than a mere shiny weapon to use at their kingdom’s disposal, they were not seen as a living, breathing being but something only meant to slash, cut and chop at the enemy until their blade shattered into tiny, brittle pieces, and even then those pieces were used until every granule was worn down. And now to Lilia’s horror, those very same shackles were suddenly clamped around his precious little one’s tiny delicate  wrists.

But cruel as it was, that was not the worst of it.

Growling deeply in his throat Lilia quietly shrugs on his weary cloak and stealthily slips out into the cold, making sure no one was around despite living in the middle of nowhere, just as they liked it.

A year ago within the Black Scale castle’s throne room, the senate had not at all been pleased when their eldest Dominant had announced that he would be moving out of the castle, and taking the newly found Dominant with him. In fact they had been quite furious, spitting curses at him, as he remained kneeled on the stone floor with his little one clutching onto Malleus’s clothes while trying to hide under the prince’s comforting arm and cloak.

‘How dare you forsake the privileges that were so graciously given to filth like you!’ They screeched and so forth. Lilia hadn’t cared for a single inane word they spewed at him, but then those harsh insults were instead suddenly thrown at a petrified Silver, ‘as if we’ll let you run off to let such a dangerous creature roam freely!’

‘It must atone for the sins of its kind! Did you forget what it did to our beloved princess?!’ 

‘Get that vile human away from the prince!’ as they yelled and shrieked all of these accusations and scorn, his poor darling little Silver trembled and whimpered as frightened tears silently fell from the child’s cheeks. Malleus even had to hold back a grunt of discomfort with how hard those little fingers dug into his hip, Lilia saw red.

He couldn’t remember much of what happened next, only how it took several guards dogpiling on top of Lilia to hold him down as Malleus, with wide eyes, suddenly pushed Silver back behind his legs fully as he tore into the senate ‘you dare question my judgement!’ he snarls, forcing the senate back with a hot plume of green flame ‘it is with my authority and blessing that Lord Vanrouge has permission to live elsewhere, opposing such is akin to opposing House Draconia itself. Need I remind you of your place, senate?’ In the end, before Malleus could set the senate aflame in Silver’s honour, it was thanks to Malleus’s grandmother Maleficia, who had made sure that Lilia was able to leave the capital safely. Along the way it had taken all of Lilia’s willpower to ignore all the hateful looks and scorn that all of a sudden seemingly spurred from every noble citizen he’s passed, it set Lilia’s blood ablaze as they were all directed at his stunned child, what utter fools! How dare they blame such a small child for all the wrongdoings of their kin! For the seven’s sake, Silver wasn’t even old enough to have been born during the war against the silver owls, let alone play a part in it! It was not as if the fae were free of guilt either. His poor little one had been so frightened from earlier that he stiffly hid inside Lilia’s cloak while keeping his wet face buried in his neck and had refused to move a single muscle until they had arrived at their new home. Lilia even worried at some point in their journey that Silver had stopped breathing with how tense and still he was. 

Lilia sighed, had he known the full extent of Silver’s ancestry, he would have never brought him to Briar Valley in the first place. If only I hadn’t killed his father.

At that thought Lilia shook his head, dislodging some snow particles. No, he didn’t have time for the past, what's done is done and he still had to find his son. The cool winter air nipped at his nose and ears, numbing them as his long dark hair lashed out with the gradually drifting snowflakes. Ever since the calamity five years ago, Briar Valley has been thrown into an eternal state of dark winters, harsh though it may be, the townsfolk have adapted well enough that they could still live comfortably. With every few steps he takes Lilia passes by warm braziers, dancing with green flame as he enters the city. 

‘Oh! Lord Lilia!’ a woman suddenly called out as the old general made his way through the rapidly falling snow. Cupping above his eyes and squinting, it was getting hard to properly identify anyone within the plaza, but thankfully with signature flowing locks as green as the richest of forests and a voice as boisterous to match, it wasn’t hard to tell who exactly was calling him, and wasn’t she a sight for sore eyes. He sighs in relief as Baul’s daughter cheerfully waves him over to the stall she was currently at once he was in clear view ‘how pleasant it is to see you down here my lord, are you out shopping as well?’ She chirps, paying the merchant as they packed her purchase, Lilia smiled tiredly and waved off the merchant when they gesture to their wares ‘no, no, not today at least, I’m just looking for a wayward son of mine’ he suppressed a rush of worried fear that threatened to wash over his whole being, he could still hear those heartbreaking wails and pained whimpers as his little one cradles a spasming hand close to his chest. For the past year Lilia hasn’t been without Silver clutching to his side for more than a day or two, and even then he’d make sure that his boy was in either Malleus’ or the Zigvolt’s care, for good reason as well.

It was part of why they had to move. While there was the fact that the castle was already a pretty little cage for Briar Valley’s Dominants, the sole reason they moved was because of the Eikon Silver possessed, and all the abhor and scorn that came with it.  

If anyone had ever thought the rough treatment Lilia received for being an ‘unworthy’ Dominant was bad, then his sweet little one had it even worse, he was already ridiculed for being human, and then to add fuel to the fire it was found that he bore the very Eikon that had ultimately slain their late princess who had been the prince’s predecessor… And his mother. Thus writing in big bold letters where and who exactly Silver’s lineage were.

Lilia frowned, he’d always had his suspicions but to have this as confirmation. He’d rather have stayed blissfully ignorant, thankfully Malleus didn’t give a chocobo’s arse who Silver’s Eikon was or what it’s done with his predecessor, it’s only a burden either way one that we now both share, he claimed when the senate had so viciously revealed the truth, the prince had solemnly looked down to the small child, in that sense he is just as cursed as I am. Lilia suspected they did that to further Malleus’s dislike for humans, only to have the opposite reaction to Lilia’s tremendous satisfaction.

Unaware of Lilia’s harrowing thoughts, Mrs Zigvolt’s sharp eyes narrowed into furious slits ‘you mean they haven’t told you yet? Those blunt headed fools!’ if he weren’t for his training, Lilia would have jumped at the sudden volume though he did back off a little, just in case. She then turned to him ‘apologies my lord, I’d thought that the boys would have told you by now but it seems I had too much faith in them,’ she shook her head ‘you needn’t worry about Silver, he’s actually gone off with my father and Sebek to the training grounds, father said he’d send a bat for you but it seems it didn’t show’ did he hear her right? Baul took his son to the training grounds? The castle training grounds?! Has the old crocodile gone senile? Baul better pray to his gods right now because Lilia’s going to bite his face off! Or at least he would if he wasn’t so confused as to how Baul managed to convince Silver to leave the house at all, it was hard enough for Malleus to get the boy to leave the forest’s safety. Before he could blink Lilia was already teleporting to the castle where he flies past the guards who were left stunned in the disturbed snow, clutching their polearms with bewildered expressions. He’s eventually stopped when a strong yet delicate hand suddenly grabs him by the shoulder ‘Lilia!’ exclaimed Malleus, he seemed shocked to see his guardian so frazzled as being compared to his usual carefree nature, coming at such a speed that his long hair was all over the place and damp with melted snow, his eyes soften with understanding though when Lilia ignores him in favour of frantically looking around for his dear Silver ‘don’t worry Lilia, he’s safe and just over this way’ he leads Lilia to peer around the corner where, in a secluded area that was usually abandoned came a barrage of determined youthful yelling.

‘Come, have at thee!’

‘Hiya!’

The shouts came from the middle where two young boys clashed together, their wooden lances slashing and faking fatal jabs. Snow sprayed and danced at their swift movement, either aiding or hindering them. From the sideline stood Baul Zigvolt, watching with an unconcerned yet stern eye, he waves over the prince and general while barking for the boys to continue ‘how has he been?’ Lilia asks, watching as the boys fought with precision and reckless abandon, just as he taught them. He was unable to take his eyes off his boy, as those beautiful silver locks spun in the cool air, that pale skin that made him seem gracefully spectral but it was those exquisite auroral eyes that captured Lilia, ever since the discovery of his Eikon Silver’s eyes have been dull, full of guilt and fear, but now as he parries another blow from Sebek, they were determined, a light returned to those big eyes that were once full of wonder. ‘How did you get him out?’ he breathed, Baul nods knowingly, after all he was there when every with the senate happened ‘don’t ask me, ask my grandson’ he grumbles proudly gesturing to the younger Zigvolt who blocked a hit from the side ‘he saw the boy training alone then brought him over demanding that they spar together, I honestly don’t know what he told Silver but it was enough to convince him to come’ he then looks sheepish ‘ah, apologies as well general, I did intend to let you know about this as soon as possible but we couldn’t have just waited around without risking anything.’

‘Baul.’ He was smiling but there was something chilling in Lilia’s tone. Baul blanched and sweatdrop ‘ye-yes general?’

‘While I appreciate what you’ve done, know that after this I’m breaking your old legs.’

[andiv3r-writing]

     On the top of a ridge overlooking a vast open landscape, two vaguely cat-shaped figures sat.

     The lighter-colored being gave a nervous chuckle, then asked, "Sorry, what was that?"

     The tortoiseshell turned, the last remnants of the snakelike scales surrounding his yellow slitted eyes melting away to be replaced with russet fur. "I said, 'Well, that spoiled like a pile of crow-food.'" He repeated.

     The cream-colored cat nodded. "Ah- yes, yes, it did, rather." He said, glancing away again and toward the two outlines in the distance, growing smaller by the minute.

     "Bit of an overreaction if you ask me," the tortoiseshell contemplated aloud as the white-and-cream figure shifted his weight awkwardly from one paw to the other. "First offence and everything. I-" the yellow-eyed being stopped for a moment, then continued slowly, "I can't see what's so bad about hunting a mouse anyway."

     "Well it must be bad..." the blue-eyed one began, then trailed off upon realizing he wasn't entirely sure of the other being's name.

     "Cobra," the tortoishell said with a nod. He'd only recently chosen that name, but wasn't sure it entirely suited him.

     "Cobra," the lighter cat continued after the clarification, "otherwise... you wouldn't have tempted them into it." He glanced away.

     Cobra grimaced, replying, "Oh, they just said, 'Get up there and make some trouble.'" He wasn't entirely certain that the earth was, in terms of actual space, technically up from the Dark Forest, but it hadn't exactly gone well for him the last time he attempted to correct a higher authority, and he'd suspected it was wiser not to risk it a second time.

     "Well, obviously. You're a Dark Forest warrior." The pale figure said with a sideways glance. "It's what you do."

     Cobra decided it would be best to ignore that remark and instead stated, "Not very subtle of StarClan though. Your leader, I mean," he clarified. "Letting the creature run about and telling them not to touch it. I mean, if She really didn't want it to end up eaten, why not put it on top of a high mountain? Or on the moon?" He snorted. After that comment prompted no response from the fluffy being, he murmured, "Makes you wonder what StarClan's Leader's really planning."

     "Best not to speculate," the other cat chimed in worriedly. "It's all part of Her plan. It's not for us to understand." With a glance in Cobra's direction, he added, "It's ineffable."

     The tortoiseshell scrunched his brows. "Her plan's ineffable?" He asked with a frown.

     "Exactly," the fluffier creature said with a flick of his ear. "It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words." He said, not noticing the way Cobra appeared to be inspecting him until the tortoiseshell made an observation that caused the pale cat to shrink back a bit.

     "Didn't you have a flaming stick?"

     "Er..." the lighter cat glanced away nervously.

     "You did, it was flaming like anything! What happened to it?"

     "Uh..." the pale one seemed incapable of forming anything other than one-syllable utterances, something the calico was beginning to find amusing.

     "Lost it already, have you?" He asked with a raised brow.

     "Gave it away," the light-colored one said in what was barely louder than a whisper.

     "You what?" Cobra asked, yellow eyes widened and a hint of a smile playing on the edges of his mouth.

     "I gave it away!" The cream one repeated with agitation. "There are vicious animals. It's going to be cold out there, and she's expecting already, and I said, 'Here you go, flaming stick. Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here.'" After a moment of watching the figures in the distance, he added worriedly, "I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing..."

     The calico frowned. "Oh, you're a StarClan cat. I don't think you can do the wrong thing."

     The paler cat's shoulders slumped with relief. "Oh- oh, thank you. It's been bothering me," he sighed, eyes suddenly darting to the figures in the distance, one with a flaming stick held in his jaw which he appeared to be threatening a wolf with.

     "I've been worrying, too." Cobra said as he stared into the distance as the scene unfolded. "What if I did the right thing, with the whole 'catch the mouse business'? A Dark Forest warrior can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing..." he trailed off, glancing at the cream cat and stretching out a pair of dark wings from his body, wings which appeared to be made from pure shadow. As he did so, one of the cats in the distance stabbed the wolf through the throat with the flaming stick. The cream cat winced. "It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh?" The calico asked with a small smile. "If I did the good thing and you did the bad one."

     They both chuckled, but the pale cat's laugh quickly turned and he pinned his ears back, quickly saying, "No! It wouldn't be funny at all!"

     "Well..." Cobra murmured, looking away again. Suddenly, he felt a droplet of water hit the fur on his muzzle. As he began to look up, the cream cat sprouted wings made from starlight and stretched one above the darker one's head. They both sat in silence and stared at the figures in the distance growing ever smaller.

-------------------------------------------------

next

[floororangejuice]

BION Information master post!! (abibaz oc)

real image of me after making all of this or something

hit the read more to get blasted with everything or something

HEADS UP!! THINGS WILL BE PURPOSFULLY LEFT OUT OF SOME INFORMATION!

I want people to find some things out through hints and clues hidden in art, so there may be a big chunk missing! Also, his story isn't FULLY finished yet too, so there will be a lot more to come. This post will (if I remember to) be updated along with any major art/information I make about him! (FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS TOO!)

BASIC NEED-TO-KNOW INFO

Bion and Bryne are the same person. Bryne is the person/version of himself when he was alive, and Bion is the spirit that remains after death.

I just wanted to clarify this as this can be something that is easily mistaken if you see me draw them at different times/in different posts, sense at first look they can seem like completely different characters.

In my interp of abibaz, it takes place somewhere in the 90's, so that is also where his story takes place.

BASIC LORE (quick/low effort summary)

Bryne is a poor-ish guy living on his own and looking for a job and in some way ends up applying as an IT guy for the school. He applies for this job because it somewhat relates to his huge interest in computers, and he is already desperate enough for any job so this place seems perfect for him so far.

Upon entering the school for the first time, he can immediately tell something is off. He cant place his finger on exactly what it is but it does raise some red flags for him. Even so, he continues on for his interview and gets hired yadda yadda I dont really know how to explain that part and its not important.

Though, adding to his suspicions about this place, he has to meet and be around Alex now. I dont know how to word it in a good way, but basically he thinks Alex is a massive freak.

As time goes on, he gets more and more curious about what is happening in the school. Kids keep going missing, if there is any at all, and the place constantly smells like iron and rot. Bryne tries to research about the school online, trying to find any documents or reports about the school, like possible crimes that happened or any leads on the disappearances, but keeps coming up empty-handed.

This leads Bryne into a spiral, he keeps trying and trying to find information, it just seems right out of his reach. He spends most of his time at work in his own classroom, in the back with his personal computer most of the time because of this. That computer is like a sort of personal companion to him now, with how much time he has spent there alone with it.

Alex is aware of Bryne's researching, and after a while started to have his own fun with him. Setting up red herrings and letting information slip as a way to reel Bryne back into a game he almost had set up from the start.

Anyways, as time goes on Alex starts to get bored of this, and decides one night to finally get some real enjoyment out of this.

He was ready. The clock seemed to tick exceptionally slow that day, there was nothing different about that day from the rest, all but that usual feeling of dread seeming to hang heavier on Bryne's shoulders.

Alex slinked into his room, looming over him just watching him before making his presence known. He just started talking to Bryne, placing a hand on his shoulder and getting close to his level. Bryne could sense that something was wrong with this little meeting of his, though he did this type of thing this one felt wrong.

Bryne started to head out of his room and to the exit doors, hurrying his pace as he got further away from his room. Though when he finally reached the exit, he found the doors to be locked. No matter how much he tried he couldn't get them undone. He was now stuck here, unsure as to why. He started to panic, Bryne had always been weary of Alex, and now his suspicions have been proven. He was stuck there with a monster.

Now, I dont feel like I have the capability or patience to write the whole next segment, but to quickly summarize it: Bryne gets fucking hunted and chased through the school, becoming exhausted and more panicked over time and ends up heading back to his room, then Alex corners him there and kills him by giving him so much blunt force trauma to the face through smashing his face into a computer screen. yay!

I will probably try and write it out better at a later date when I have it more clearly thought out and have the energy to

anyways, here is a quick demonstration of what that looked like:

really good mock-up i know right

Anyways, after this there is a week period(important) of time where he is dead, his body rotting away, semi-untouched. Bion apears within one of the computers as, well, him, and has to re-learn what it feels like to exist again along with his newfound unstable emotions and overall physical form.

He now has a hatred for Alex that burns brighter than the sun, and in simple terms is extremely violent over even the mention of him.

I'll add more onto Bion's way of processing thought and emotion later, but it is a pretty key part in everything he does. He is extremely impulsive.

MORE ON BION

Bion is a massive recluse, hiding away in his computer most of the time, rarely ever coming out. The computer is his safe space, leaving it even voluntarily causes him to get horribly stressed. The only times he ever fully leaves is when he is driven by an extreme emotion. (usually anger)

Touching him is most times lethal, he is electrically charge. Holding onto him or touching him in general causes a feeling of numbness after a period of time, intensity varying on his emotion and the time touching him. (it feels like when one of your limbs falls asleep, but a bit more painfull)

GAME MECHANIC

If Bion was ever added in game, or if I felt like ever attempting to mass mod the game, his mechanic would be to locate Alex.

He would be a (mostly) neutral character, helping the player by showing where in the map Alex is with a pop-up map. It would only be accessible in his room. Along with this Alex would be unable to enter the room at all, but he could just camp at the door and completely trap you, so it would be wiser to be quick while in Bion's room.

Bion's room is also located in a semi-inconvenient spot, near the end of a very long corridor with the only exit down that hallway being one of the rooms with a red key required door. (I'll add a map of where his room is later)

He also has the chance of being a hostile character too. If you provoke him with enough questions about himself, his past, speak of Alex, or bring a special item to him. Any of these will result in him killing you instantly, or becoming one of the hostile character that chase you in the game from that point on.

I also have an idea with him for an Easter egg ending that is related to his lore, but i have to do some more developing on it before I explain it to the public.

EMOTIONS (?)

Because he is a spirit now, his reactions and emotions are alot more raw and intense, causing him to lash out often or go into violent spirals. He is his greatest enemy. (other than Alex)

His most common emotion that happens is rage, appearing whenever his mind starts going down a path of thoughts about how he was wronged, and the monster that he was wrongfully made into.

His rage and his fear of new things causes him to become more of a recluse than he already was. He cant even go out of his classroom without being reminded of how he was made into such a beast.

Bion can still feel and react like a normal person, and is still somewhat the same man he was. Whither that is good or bad is for you to decide.

The way he comes off when not in any fit of emotions is more flat and mechanical, being inside machinery for so long has changed the way he talks a bit, becoming more formal and thought out.

ART + MORE

Here are my Toyhouse pages for both Bryne and Bion where you can find most if not all of their art, which includes lore art.

(lore art will be specified in the bio of the images, and you can usually tell because there is more effort in the details)

BION

BRYNE

ALSO, Bion has a twitter account! its mostly fun silly stuff, but occasionally there will be lore related posts!

@B10NSC0MPUT3R <- link to his account!!!

btw this is going to be updated with more soon!!!!! im probably going to add some facts + more clarifications later!

[hinterlost]

The most unrealistic thing about Stardew Valley is the fact that Elliot lives in a shack with no electricity or internet access. How tf is an author going to google synonyms without electricity (don't say thesaurus I am old enough to had to of used those and they are a pain in the ass if you don't know what you're looking for). You're telling me this man writes on a TYPEWRITER? With no BACKSPACE button?? What if you want to quote something? Are ya gonna go down to the library that got literally all of it's books and artifacts stolen??

[rosyredlipstick]

FAR GALAXIES (6/9)

She didn’t answer. Instead, she pulled out her PADD from her coat, slow enough that Nico only slightly twitched. Jason’s transmission was loaded up on the screen—at the bottom, their signature tag was spelled out. “Guardians of the Galaxy. That supposed to be a joke?” “More like an aspiration,” Jason said.

-

Space, the final frontier. Or whatever.

-

solangelo, 33k

ao3

[sio-writes]

A Botanist's Guide: Chapter 11

<< Chapter 10

<< Chapter 1

Tags for this chapter (spoilers ahead): This chapter is nsfw, and contains vaginal sex

The week brings zero resolution, and zero answers. The constant onslaught of nothingness and boring procedure has kept me in a state of limbo, between wanting to ask and being afraid of the answer. And in either situation, the milestone and whatever the fuck is happening with Kri, it's driving me crazy. My leg keeps bouncing up and down as my brain tries to spread out the extra energy. I keep thinking of what could go wrong-- what will go wrong-- in the days leading up to the review. 

The results from the presentation are due back any day now, and I haven't heard anything. Sometimes that's a good thing, like hearing your name called last and you win the regional award for best baking soda volcano at the science fair. But in my experience here, no news is bad news. It means they're mulling it over, that I didn't do as well as I thought I did. Maybe all those jokes and pats on the back from the board were meant to soften the blow. Maybe I celebrated too early.

Jillie's hand on my shoulder makes me jump, dropping the pH scale on the floor.

"Are you alright?" she asks, her perfect eyebrows pulled down in concern as she bends down to pick the scale up and hand it to me.

I'd been spacing out-- again. It's been happening all week, and no matter what I do, I just can't get it together. There's too many thoughts trying to take up the limited space in my brain, with so many of them revolving around the single presence in the room that I can't ignore.

Kri has returned to his auditing routine, but only shows up when it's mandatory, now once a week. The time we all spend together has been cut to a fraction of what it was, leaving just enough room for him to bicker with me over the water and nothing else.

I should be glad for it-- he's putting distance between us like I wanted, he's back to his super professional self instead of the curious, sarcastic, blindingly earnest alien I wanted to know better. But maybe it's for the best. After thinking it over, his hesitance at coming into my apartment was a refusal, no matter what cultural lens it's seen through. A rejection, clear as day. And I'm trying not to focus on it too much, I'm really not, but it's hard when the guy is sitting fifteen feet away from me.

I allow my scattered thoughts a brief reprieve, and sigh heavily before patching it over with a limp smile. "Nervous."

She pats me on the shoulder. "About what? You knocked it out of the park."

I chew on my nail because my bottom lip is bleeding from biting at it all day. I can't ask Kri, because he's not talking to me. I thought he was being professional for the presentation, but his aloofness has extended into the week. He probably wouldn't tell me anyway, but at least he'd explain why instead of looking at me like I'm a stray mark on his stupid clipboard.

Thinking about anything for too long puts me in a spiral, but I don't know any other method to deal with it other than let it play out in my brain until I have a panic attack. My thoughts, my emotions, they all feel too big for my head, and letting them overflow like a stupid baking soda volcano is what it takes to sort things out. I won't have any answers, but it would stop my leg from bouncing up and down for three hours straight.

Jillie pats my shoulder and turns back to her laptop, and I hazard a glance at Kri across the room. He's deep in something on his clipboard, but that alien-sixth sense must've kicked in because he immediately stops writing and glances up at me.

This crush hasn't gotten any better, to put it mildly. Even when he's acting like the coldest of the cold, he's still considerate. Taking time to leave quietly, never raising his voice, things that seem to be constants no matter whether he's pissed at me or not. The few times we've gotten in each other's face he still radiates warmth, he still smells like fresh water, crisp and clean. Jillie's presence is keeping me grounded, keeping me from hopping into his lap while I twirl a piece of my hair around my finger. I'd gladly suffer in silence for the rest of the year if I could have the Kri that helped me grow plants back.

Kri raises his brow at me, annoyance clear on his face. "Yes?"

Caught, my cheeks burn as I shake my head. "Nothing," and I turn back to the planters.

The relaxation celebration from last week has burnt out of my system, leaving in its place a sour, empty feeling that liquid anxiety likes to fill in.

I'm not glad for this…whatever our friendship has evolved into now. It's like the beginning all over again, like he hit the reset button on his personality and left the rest of us to figure it out. I've even been messing up on purpose. Nothing that would hurt the plants, they're delicate enough as is, but enough that would usually make him stare at me oddly, or mention I was doing it wrong, something that told me that he was paying attention and would start an argument.

Instead, he just glanced at my hands, shook his head, and noted it on his board. 

I want to tear my hair out. I know what I did wrong, inviting him to my house was a mistake, but is that really cause to shut us all out completely? He and Jillie were just getting the hang of speaking to each other, and me and my big mouth had to go and ruin it. Maybe he never changed to begin with, if his commentary on my clothing is anything to go by. To think I could have offended him that badly is a thorn in my side. That the idea of being with me made him take a look at our friendship and tear it to pieces? 

Even so, every time we make eye contact, the words are just underneath my tongue, so close I have te clench my jaw around what my heart desperately wants to scream out. A confession, loud and clear, like the movies-- "You can have me, body and soul," and then I sweep all the (very, very expensive) lab equipment off the table and strike a sexy pose that has him on his knees and everything is okay, it's all gonna work out fine. And then I get my milestone results back and the board is so impressed they decide to give me two greenhouses instead of a communal one.

Yeah, right. I'll suffer alone, thanks.

We all spend the rest of the work day in silence, the speakers from my mp3 Player useless against the litany of emotions crashing against my mind like a pissed off ocean current. But I have work to do, and I'm going to do it well. Now isn't the time to be caught up in petty disputes, no matter how important I feel they are.

A lot gets done, but I'm not satisfied as we close up the lab. In fact, I want to fall into another drink. Kri is long gone, having packed up his shit almost in a hurry before stepping out, leaving Jillie and I on our own. It's like old times, just the two of us as we wander the halls back to the cafeteria for dinner.

I grab food through sheer muscle memory-- an orange, a sandwich, some chips and a drink, knowing full well that I need to eat it, but with zero desire. My appetite is gone, my stomach is in so many knots I was lucky to get a smoothie down at lunch.

I don't say much, and Jillie seems as exhausted as I am as we find an unoccupied booth and slide in. The lack of work and distractions leaves space for my mind to wander like I'd been pushing off all day. 

I could be mad at so many things, and I feel my anger like a rolling thunderstorm as I take a pointed bite of sandwich. It's pushing past the other emotions, making itself present, unavoidable.

The sandwich is bland, and tastes like soap as I chew angrily.

What the fuck was in his audit-- I mean really, notes on my outfits? What the hell, Kri? And why is he suddenly acting like the past month hasn't happened? I know it did, and I know I fucked up, but isn't it a common courtesy to explain these things? We're both adults, I can handle rejection, but it he's going about it in such a juvenile way. I need to know, in no uncertain terms, that he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Then I can sigh, maybe cry a little, and fucking move on with my life.

I thought we had something. Clearly I was wrong, but I thought we could stay friends at the very least. That would be the adult thing to do, but he's been acting like a child. Pissing me off.

Jillie sits up suddenly, patting her pockets, and her face drops. "Oh, shit."

I'm pulled out of my whirlpool of self-pity. "What's up?"

She grimaces. "Could I ask a huge favor?"

I raise my eyebrows, indicating she should go on.

"I think I left the oxygenator on for the last planters." She grimaces, patting over her pockets again. "And my keys in the lab."

Jillie doesn't usually make mistakes like that. It must be a weird day for everyone. 

"I got it," I say, pushing away from the table, wanting to feel useful at least once today. I grab the mandarin orange from my tray and start to peel it as I head towards the door, hoping the smell will activate my stomach.

"You're the best!" Jillie says over my shoulder, and I flip her off as I walk away.

I head towards the lab, grumbling to myself the whole way. It's not a far walk, but I'm working myself into an angry tizzy by the time I slap my key card to the door and it slides open.

Yep, the oxygenator is still on. I click it off and the room falls silent

Jillie's desk is organized, which is strange, but I can't find the key in any drawer, no matter how many times I open them. I move to the countertop that lines the wall, sorting through the mess of papers, plastic pipettes and junk food wrappers. God, we need to have a cleaning day in here.

I'm sorting for another few minutes when I hear Jillie's footsteps come in behind me.

"Sorry, Jills," I start to say as I straighten, and then I stop. It's not Jillie. Kri is peering into a shelf on the opposite wall. 

I frown. "You're not Jillie."

Kri turns his head to face me, looks down at himself, then back to me. "No, I suppose I'm not."

I roll my eyes. "What're you doing here?"

"Picking up the last of my things, apparently." Kri says, his tone clipped like just talking to me is an inconvenience. "I am missing a notation board, and I believe I left it somewhere…" He trails off, switching from searching the shelf to my desk, and I'm struck by the image of our first meeting when he did the exact same thing.

"Hey--! Get out!" Jillie's keys forgotten, I stomp over and pull his arms away from the drawers. Kri doesn't budge, instead tearing himself away from my grip and walking back to the shelf he already checked. Shame burns through me, bright and heated, and I have to clamp my mouth around the words it wants to say.

"Why're you acting like this?!"

Kri sighs, weary, and folds his arms over his chest. "Professional? We are coworkers, as you say."

"This isn't professional! You're back to--" I wave my hands around as if that'll convey what I want to say. "Like when we started out." I start tossing garbage to the ground, hoping to find Jillie's stupid keys so I can leave. "Look, I know I pissed you off--"

"You've never angered me."

My hands close around Jillie's lanyard and I rip it from it's hiding place. I shake the small plastic card at him as I stomp towards the door. "Don't! Lie to me!"

"And I have never lied to you."

"Withholding the truth is still lying!!" 

"Respectfully, I think--"

"Shut up! Shut! Up! Don't you ever stop talking?!" I smash the buttons for the door--wrong code, shaky fingers-- once more, right code. The door almost opens but stops halfway before sliding back. Oh, you've got to be-- I punch the code again. "And what else have you lied to me about, huh?! What else could possibly--" The door cuts me off with a droning buzz, and a strip of lights in the ceiling go red before it shutters closed.

Well, fuck.

"No no no--" the door buzzes, shuddering as it attempts to open, fails, and falls still. I run my hands over my head and pull on the ends of my hair. "Fuck!"

I smack the "Open" button again. The door jolts, there's the sound of creaking metal, and the resounding buzz of an error message. The door flashes red, and I smack it with my open palm.

Vigorously pressing the button only loops the buzz of the error message, and I hold back a scream.

I gesture to the door. "You're strong, can't you…?"

Kri stares at me for a second, expression blank before his eyes roll dramatically. He sets his hands to the door, all four of them, and heaves his shoulders. Once, then again. The door doesn't even shudder.

I hear Jillie's voice on the other side, "Cass?"

"Jill--!"

"You were taking too long! I came to find you." and she says something else, but the door shudders again and the creaking metal drowns her out. "Sit tight, I'm gonna grab maintenance, okay?"

"Great, just fucking perfect." I start to pace the room. "Of all the people to get stuck with--!" I smack the keypad for the door again, and it responds with the same error beep. Why today? Why now? Things were just starting to flow in the lab again until--

I groan, pulling at my hair. "She set us up! Now I'm stuck in here with you! Why would she do this to me?" I groan and slap the door again. It doesn't help me feel any better and the metal hurts my hand.

Kri steps back and leans against my desk, his arms crossed tightly over his frame. He's not looking at me and-- oh, right, I told him to shut up. Just because the guy is stoic doesn't mean he's emotionless.

I self-consciously rub my arm. "Sorry, I shouldn't have told you to shut up."

Kri looks at me, his expression calculating, before he sighs. "I don't believe she acted alone."

I glare at him. "What do you mean?"

He shrugs. "I asked Ari to deliver my things to my home, they likely colluded with Dr. Masters to get us in here."

I groan. "Perfect, that's just fucking perfect. Stuck in here with you."

I feel it coming, a panic attack, like the shore emptying out before a tsunami. First the presentation, then learning I accidentally invited him into my bed, and now this? It's overwhelming, it's too much. For fucks' sake I don't ask for much, all I want is answers!

I press a hand to my tightening chest, my breathing picking up and my heart starting to race. Yep, there's the panic. 

Kri's voice is tight when he says, "You've mentioned that," before ke kicks off my desk and continues his search. Is he serious?

I plant my hands on my hips. "Why are you ignoring me?"

Kri sighs. "I am searching for my board."

"It's not in here, you idiot!"

Kri heaves a larger sigh, annoyed. "Dr. Rowland, is this really conductive to--"

"Cassie! My name is Cassie! Cassandra! Or are we not friends anymore?! Were we even friends to begin with? Or is that something else you've lied to me about?!"

We're gonna be stuck in here for a while. Maintenance is on the opposite side of the building, and they take their sweet ass time going anywhere. We could be in here for over an hour. I could be stuck with him for over an hour. I bend over, hands on my knees, and try to gulp down air.

Kri rests a hand on my shoulder, and I wrench away from him. I need something to focus on so the attack doesn't start up again.

"Look, I know I fucked up asking you into my house, but that's no reason to be a dick!"

His brow furrows, and he walks to the countertop, putting space between us. "What're you talking about?"

I take a deep breath, something to steady myself within this rising storm. The panic is ebbing, slowly but surely with each breath, but on it's heels comes a flush of embarrassment. "I know what it means, I'm not an idiot!"

He goes tense, his shoulders set back, his hands gripping the countertop behind him. "You knew?"

"Well, I didn't then! But I do now! And I'm sorry that I fucked with your delicate sensibilities! Because I know it's a fucking travesty to imagine yourself with me but that's no excuse to treat me like shit!"

"Is that what you think?" And oh, he's angry now, his voice is deep and dangerous and it's doing things to my head that I can't begin to process because I'm still set on being angry.

My panic is gone, replaced with something that burns in my chest, trying to claw its way out. "Yes! I know it! Because you don't have feelings for me the way I do!"

The world goes silent.

I didn't mean to say that, I really shouldn't have opened my mouth. My face is on fire, but I can't take it back. It's out there now, if it wasn't obvious before. My brain is screaming, my heart is pounding, the room is too warm and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

And for once Kri seems at a loss for words. Like I’ve stunned him. He's not saying anything, but I can make up for that.

“Every fucking time when--it's--“ the words catch in my throat and my voice pitches up. It feels like I'm clawing out my throat. “It's not the same, that's fine and-- I can keep going. But I thought maybe-- I thought we were okay! I thought we could at least stay friends! But if you don't feel the same you could at least tell me or--"

Kri is on me in half a second, hands on my face to keep me still as he presses our lips together, and what I meant to say instantly crumbles to dust in my mouth.

I smell rain; fresh dirt and rain, sharp and crisp. He's soft around the lips, and so warm. His hands are on my face, cupping me gently but with purpose, and I wish my hands would do something other than hover uselessly in the air because I want to grab. I want to touch. I want to sink into the comfort he's offering.

And then it's over. He pulls back, just enough to whisper against my lips, "How could I not want you?" 

My heart flutters and-- No, no, absolutely not! I'm still pissed off! He can't just kiss me and make it all better and-- He leans in and kisses me again. It's just as good as the first, if not better because it's the second time and we may even kiss a third. 

This feels like whiplash, and I should be upset at the back and forth, the push and pull of a stupid man trying to come to terms with his feelings. But right now, as his arms go around my waist, I just melt, my brain turning to mush. Because he feels the same. 

Maybe that sexy pose idea would've worked after all.

I'm the one to pull away this time, if only to catch my breath. I murmur, "You're infuriating."

Kri looks like I slapped him. "I apologize, I--"

"Shut up," I breathe, pulling his face back in and kissing him a third time. My eyes flutter shut, and Kri's hands cup my jaw. We slot together like we were made for each other. 

I'm so relieved, so glad, relaxing into his chest and winding my arms around his neck. What a way to find out the feeling was mutual. I hate that we had to be forced into this situation, but I'll let Jillie slide this time, just because I'm thankful. 

I have to pull away to breathe. The moment lapses, and I feel a twinge of hysteria bubble up in my chest. "So you're not rejecting me--?"

His responding laugh is sharp. "Never."

I tilt my head into another kiss, opening my mouth on a soft groan as Kri slips his tongue between my lips. I wrap my arms over his neck, and the plating under my hands is soft. My fingers map the edges as they overlap, memorizing the small divots of his glow-channels as they trace around his wings. I idly draw my finger over the divot and Kri shivers, his groan vibrating through his chest. The sound drips heat through my nether regions that I affect him so easily, and I want to know what else makes him shudder, what makes him moan. I wonder if he wants the same for me.

"I can't believe you," I say between one kiss and the next. "Holding out on me like this." 

Kri finally leans back, taking a moment to look over my face. "Allow me to make it up to you," he says, his thumb brushing over my cheek. His eyes are lidded, hazed over and soft. I swallow past a lump in my throat and welcome him into my mouth as he leans forward to kiss me again because neither of us can get enough of it. 

Kri leads me backwards, his tongue rubbing against mine in small thrusts as the fingers on my waist begin to poke underneath my shirt, that simple brushing of skin making my muscles jump. I have to let go of his neck to shuck my lab coat, and I step over it just as my back hits the wall. 

The cold demeanor he's been wearing all week is gone, melted away by his own warm hands cradling the back of my head so it doesn't hit the wall. The familiar, confident being with gentle touch is back, exploring under my shirt, grabbing my ass through my jeans. 

Cornered in like this, I'm acutely aware of his height, his size, blocking me in like I'm not allowed to leave. I push up onto my toes and wrap my arms around his neck, only feeling the hands on my thighs at the last second as Kri picks me up and sets me against the wall.

And oh, this is nice. I've never been picked up like this, and the position does something to my head. The height, the hands under my thighs holding me up and the gentle way they squeeze, almost as if in appreciation.

My legs go around his waist, the shift making me taller than Kri, so he pushes up into the kiss, his tongue running sensually along mine before he pulls away. He presses his lips to my neck, parting for that hot tongue against my skin, and I gasp against it, arousal pooling between my legs.

My jeans are too tight, my t-shirt too hot. So I pull my arms back and throw my shirt to the floor, my bra quick behind it. I expect the air to be cold, it always is, it's why I wear long jeans in the lab even through summer, but Kri radiates warmth. 

"There's a perfectly good countertop over there," I say between kisses, gesturing with a hand to the general idea of the countertop.

"But I am right here. And," his wings flutter, and he presses his face into my neck. "I confess this has been a prevalent fantasy of mine."

My eyebrows shoot up in pleasant surprise. "Oh," I say, and a smile, unbidden, finds its way across my face. "Was this fantasy also inside the lab?"

Another wing flutter, then, "If you would prefer that I--"

"No no, this is good. This is…" His teeth bite into my shoulder, and I inhale sharply. "This is perfect."

Curious hands sneak up my shirt, pushing it up around my waist, and my clothes are too scratchy, too restricting. The urge to strip, to be bare and feel Kri against my naked skin, it moves behind my ribcage like a snake, has me arching into him so my sensitive nipples brush his soft matte plating. The hard line of his cock, covered in plating at the moment, brushes the bottom of my thigh. His tongue swipes along the skin over my collarbone, the combined sensations pulling a small sound of pleasure from me and making my arms go right back around his neck.

The hot point of his long tongue over my skin makes me break out in goosebumps as he tastes me. He moves down, over my breasts, pulling a nipple into his mouth with a sensual lick over the tip that has my toes curling in my boots.

He focuses his mouth on the one, teasing the other with a small, tortuous movements of his fingers, pulling sound after sound from me like he's playing an instrument. I forget if ento are into oral at all, but by god do I want to find out.

I'm dizzy with arousal as he licks into my mouth again. Kri kisses me like he can't get enough, like I'm going to disappear if his lips stop touching mine. It's hypnotic, I've never felt this intoxicated by one person.

He pulls away to rest his forehead against mine. "Can I fuck you?"

I did not expect him to ask so directly, and I did not expect to find it so hot. I squeak instead of responding, and he chuckles, the sound low and erotic. 

The fingers digging into my ass squeeze. "Please," he murmurs into my skin, his breath huffing onto my chest. 

I clench my fingers and clear my throat to find my voice. If I was turned on before, I'm soaked now. 

"That--that sounds great." Not the sexiest response in the world, but fuck it, if it gets Kri inside me I'll say what I have to.

He starts to work open my jeans, pulling them down over my hips and taking my underwear with them. He makes to set me down, but the idea of being completely naked in my own laboratory is too much. Too intimate with the alien in front of me, at least right now. So I squeeze my legs around his waist and he takes the hint, hoisting me back up, keeping my jeans mid-way down my thighs. 

My anxiety creeps in, here to ruin the mood. "What if they fix the door?" 

Kri nips at my skin. "We'd better hurry up then," and he sounds far too confident, too level-headed for how taken apart I feel. 

One of his hands moves off my body, reaching below and inwards towards his pelvis. Something shifts with a wet noise, like lube out of a bottle, and Kri sighs out, resting his weight into me. 

I try to lean over, just to see what I'm working with, but as steady as Kri's hands are keeping me, I don't trust myself not to overcorrect and bust my ass on the tile. The scientific portion of my brain wants to see, to examine and study. We got a brief overview of ento anatomy before landing, but that was three years ago. Besides, each human dick is slightly different, the same should apply for ento dick. And I really, really want to see Kri's. 

But the crotch of my jeans are in the way, and Kri's fingers tweaking my nipple are distracting, and I'm more turned on than I have been in years-- including when I was with Stephen. So looking can wait. 

I pull Kri in by the neck, burying my face in the slope where it meets his shoulder, and holding tight. The heat simmering beneath my skin has turned into a broil. I need to forget about everything else, I need to focus on what's here and now. I need him. 

Kri adjusts himself beneath me, shifting my hips in his grasp, and-- I feel his cock at my entrance. It's hot, hotter than the rest of him, and slick as he drags it up to my throbbing clit, although that slickness may just be me. 

That slight brush over my clit sends a jolt of sensation up my spine, and I want him to do it again, over and over. But he runs it down the center again, positioning his cock head-- if he has one-- at my core, and knocks his head against my temple. 

"Tell me if it is too much." 

My mouth opens on a cheeky retort, but it's ripped away when he pushes in, instead coming out as a moan, open-mouthed against his plating, my fingers digging in as I feel ridges and a distinct curvature that pushes deliciously along my walls. He's big, no surprise there, but I wasn't prepared for how full it would make me feel, how as his hips sit against my ass, I feel like I'm being split open. 

Kri sighs out next to my ear as he bottoms out, and I crook my elbow to wrap a hand around his head. "You okay over there?" 

"I'm not going to last," he replies, sounding absolutely wrecked. Even as he takes another breath, his cock twitches inside me, sending a spiraling heat through my abdomen. 

Still, I pat his head, placating. "Quit showing off and fuck me."

He doesn't argue, instead taking another steadying breath before he pulls out almost completely and thrusts back in, starting with a slow pace that helps me adjust to the sheer size of him. It starts as a stretch, which turns into a burn, which dissolves into a bone-deep ache for more, which Kri happily obliges by canting his hips forward and pressing me into the wall.

My soft, feminine panting turns into open-mouthed moans as the curved end of his cock brushes my G-spot on every thrust, making me dizzy with arousal and my clit ache to be touched. I don't care how I sound, I don't care if the whole building can hear me, I only need Kri to know how good he's making me feel.

One of Kri's hands wraps around my jaw, his fingers splaying over my hair as he presses his lips to my neck and licks a slow line up to my ear. The other hand travels-- teasing my hardened nipples, walking over my stomach and thighs, not trying to evoke any response, but feeling just because he can. He squeezes my waist when I moan his name, responding with an equally wrecked sound and slamming me down onto his hard cock.

"I'm very close," Kri breathes into my shoulder. "Do you want me to--"

"No," I shake my head and press a heated kiss to his temple, locking my legs around his waist. "Please, stay."

He moans a short sound into my shoulder, the hands on my ass squeezing as his wings flutter over my feet. "Whatever you want."

I'm lost to the sensations, lost within Kri. My spine goes taut and my toes curl inward, I'm so close to coming from this alone, and I want to stop just to draw it all out and do it again. This feels like finding a puzzle piece I didn't know I was missing. Something has slotted in my brain that I didn't realize was off-kilter. Not the sex alone, but the validation. That Kri wanted me as much as I wanted him.

His cock hits a spot inside me that makes my vision white out, and I'm pushed over the edge. My muscles go rigid and I clamp my arms around his head and I think I gasp out his name as I come hard. The world goes silent as I'm flooded by sensation, blossoming out from my spine to the tips of my toes.

As I come down, there's hands petting my hair, over my face, the outsides of my thighs. Kri is mumbling, not in English or even Universal, but in his native tongue. It's a watery, flowing language, interspersed with chirps and rolling R's that sound like he's purring. I don't know what he's saying, but the attention warms my heart.

His hips have stilled, and there's a liquid warmth drawing a line down the cleft of my ass. He must've come right after me, and my chest tightens at the idea that we came together. I've always been a sap for that kind of thing, it feels like an emotional connection.

Kri's hands wind around my middle, up my back to cradle my head as he catches his breath.

My mind is in similar tatters, I'm running on pure instinct, and right now I want to kiss him. So I tap his head with one hand. "Up."

He tilts his head back far enough to give me a perplexed expression, and I take a second to drink in his face. There's no hair to be messed up, but there's little signs. His lips are swollen and parted as he stares at me, his gaze is lidded as it lazily searches my face. The expression behind his black eyes is heated, not the fiery passion of a few moments ago, but a subdued, long-lasting heat that tells me he's not done with me.

I lean forward and capture his lips in my own, and he accommodates me easily. We make no moves to separate from each other, and I like it that way. Kri slips out of me, and I realize too late that he's tucking himself away before I had a chance to see anything, but I can blame it on his very distracting lips against mine. 

Carefully, he lowers me to the floor. My legs are unsteady, but he keeps me pressed against the wall for balance. He helps me back into my jeans, hands careful and even working to rebutton them, all the while not detaching from my lips. I adjust my underwear until it's comfortable, flinching at the wetness trying to escape and tagging this pair of panties as a lost cause. That's okay, I decide

I could do this forever, I could kiss him for another hour and not get tired. But I'm starting to feel the cold of the lab seep into my skin, making me shiver even with his warm body pressed into mine.

I smile against his mouth and pull back, my smile turning to a grin when he chases after me. 

"Come on, I have to put my clothes back on," I say as he starts on my neck. I give him a weak shove that only spurs him on. 

"No you don't," he grumbles. "You humans and your clothing. All it does is get in the way." 

"Think about it this way, you can tear it off." Kri backs off, his expression falling, then rolling through several other emotions as he thinks through the concept. The final wide-eyed, very interested stare he lands on makes me snort into laughter.

I pick up my bra off the floor and pull it on, laughing again at how Kri scuttles behind me to see how the clasps work. 

"So your grand plan to ignore your feelings," I say. "What was it?"

Kri scoffs as he hands me my shirt. "It was rather stupid."

I grab my labcoat, throwing it on before I step to the center countertop and hop onto the ledge, kicking my feet. "Tell me so I can laugh at you."

He sighs, grabbing my hands and interlacing our fingers. "I believed we were getting too…familiar."

I purse my lips. "And you didn't think to let me know instead of just doing a one-eighty?" 

"I was thinking with my emotions, not my head."

"Yeah, well, you're an idiot."

He smirks, pressing a quick kiss to my knuckles. "I am." Another kiss. Kri's eyes scan my face, and he looks wholly content. He cups my cheek with one hand. "Is it crossing a line to tell you I have dreamt of this?"

"Sap," I say, hiding my grin in the collar of my labcoat. "How, uh…How does it compare?" 

Kri gives me a curious look, scanning my face, then gives me a half-smile while tracing a finger down my arm. "My raw data is inconclusive. I require a larger sample size." 

I bat his hand away. "Oh my god." 

"But," he adds, kissing me gently, but still containing enough heat to short circuit my brain. "As far as first impressions go, my imagination has some catching up to do."

I smile at his words, wanting to tuck my face into my coat again. It may just be the post-sex haze talking, but Kri makes me feel so cherished. I could lose hours under his attention. Even outside of sex, he makes me feel special, and a small, quiet part of my brain is telling me that's how Stephen acted too, but I'm too content, too mushy to worry about it right now.

A yawn creeps it's way through me, and I fall against Kri's chest. I hear his heart beating, slow and steady, and when he hums it travels down his chest and into my head.

"Tired?" he asks, running a hand over my hair.

"Don't get smug about it," I grumble, half of my face pressed into his plating.

"Come," he says, gathering me in his arms and lifting me off the counter. My arms go around him immediately, and he sits us both down on the ground. 

Shifting so I'm laying down, I rest my head on his thigh, and his two left arms fall over me, one stroking my shoulder, the other on my waist. It's slow enough, warm enough, that I'm lulled by it, and I yawn again.

"Wake me up in like, ten minutes," I mumble, my eyes already starting to fall shut.

"Of course," Kri says above me, and his voice is the last thing I hear before the world fades to black.

Chapter 12 >>

[boxwinebaddie]

same nervous anon from earlier anddd i graduated!! idk why i was scared i was totally fine lmaosl im the queen of overreacting. anyways im officially a graduate and i got SUMMA CUM LAUDE HELL YEAH

hello, baby!!!!! first of all, i just want to say...

cONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS, MY LOVE!!!!!

graduating is no easy feat, seriously. i am so fucking proud of you, i was so excited to finally have enough time to answer this because i am so happy that my face hurts from SMILING SO BIG!!!! :DDD

you did the damn thing!!! like i know that at points it was really hard, but you powered through it and i am so excited for you to start this new chapter of your life and see what life has in store for you. <3

i am glad your culmination went smoothly because hooooly fuck, chaperoning the culmination from my school was HELL ON EARTH, hoooooly shit. parents are so entitled and so mean to me like yeah, okay maam, i'm sorry that you are sitting in the fourth row and you wanted to sit in the front row, SO DID EVERY OTHER FUCKING FAMILY HERE TOLD, like i don't care how much you donate to the school???? i didn't make the damn seating chart, yell at the WALL!

it was...oh my god. i still get flashbacks, bro.

but AGAIN I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

and congratulations to all my friends in school or not, whatever you are doing, and however well or not well you think you are doing, know you are very loved and i am very, very proud of you.

sorry, i haven't been around...again, if you were dying during finals week, so am i because i am GIVING THOSE FINALS when teachers decide to rage quit and take their vacations early like??? thanks so much, legend! it's not like i...you know...have never ran your class before and i have to comfort nervous students WHO AREN'T MINE?

but yes, mwah mwah mWAH! i love you guys, i posted a very lame ask meme finally after 73093740934 years and i'm sorry, but because i am so busy i may go dark randomly and come back. the posting is slow goings and i am worried about how stressful working summer camp will be ( though, i am stoked for the structure ) but if you're on the struggle bus, its the hello kitty bus and i'm driving.

which unfortunately is not great news...

because i can't drive.

anyways! cheers! mazel! <3333

-uncle nina, grinning ear to ear

[sqpphos]

𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐌𝐘

pairing — mike wheeler x reader

synopsis — stargazing with mike. that’s it.

w/c — 0.4k

“c’mon y/n, i brought you out here cause i thought you’d actually know the constellations!” your boyfriend complained, feigning annoyance as your giggles ringed through his ears.

the blanket underneath the both of you provided comfort as you both laid on the grass, basking in the pale moonlight and heat that radiated off each other’s body.

you were perfectly close enough for mike to sneak quick kisses to your cheek that made you feel all warm and fuzzy even under the cool night breeze that had goosebumps jumping on your skin.

really, every little thing mike did that got you all worked up and flustered, and boy did he use that to his advantage. even him looking you directly in the eyes was enough to make you a stuttering mess.

“i told you! the big and little dipper are like all i know.”

mike laughed. “babe, you’re always talking about going stargazing and how nice it’ll be. i’d expect you to know more than that.”

“the stars are just pretty.” you sighed.

you should’ve taken mike’s silence as a sign of his scheming. god, you knew him far too well at that point!

“you’re prettier.” mike whispered.

still, his quiet compliment that he’d said a million times before sent your brain and heart in a frenzy, a flaring heat growing and rising onto the skin of your cheeks down to your neck. your sweet boy just could not give you a break.

“shut up!” you hid your face in mike’s shoulder, smiling at the breathy chuckle that emitted from his pink lips.

you finally looked up at him when his laughs died down, bambi eyes already looking down at you. his normally dark and piercing gaze was soft and warm, holding a myriad of stars so bright they could outshine every other galaxy in the universe.

mike was the prettiest human you had ever laid eyes upon. you genuinely thought he was crafted by the gods. every tiny feature on his face seemed to be placed so intricately, it almost felt illegal.

each freckle that adorned the expanse of his cheeks and nose mimicked the constellations, and, really, sitting on his lap and taking the time to count each one would be just the same as your current activity. maybe even better.

your distraction of the immense beauty your boyfriend emanated gave him enough time to lean closer to you, placing his lips onto yours like a missing puzzle piece.

now he was the flustered one, giggling like an idiot as you stared back at him with the same pretty, doe eyes that sucked him in when you first met. he knew it then that he was in love.

“you’re gonna be the death of me.”

[remyfire]

Okay okay okay. What if I walk back my promise to finish this Beje and Hawk fic before I start posting it, and instead post the first chapter on Saturday with weekly updates to follow for the rest of February and into March? You know, like a weak-willed liar?

[dog-babyy]

I'm about to talk about PISS so if you're not into that LOOK AWAY NOW

on my hands and knees on the bed with Tony fucking me from behind and Steve laying underneath me licking my clit when I squirt all over his face 💘💓💝💗💖

[yasashiiku]

@raytm sent a crow ;

⏰ something with shou’s dad !

𝑷𝒓𝒐𝒇𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒎 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒆 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆 , necktie nearly suffocating your breath, it felt like a leash more than anything else, an invisible rope connecting your neck to the hands of forced obligations and fake roles. Usually, you could avoid gathering without a problem, you simply don't go, choosing to hide away in your room or in Fukuda's apartment. But things are different this time, not as easy, not when the meeting is in your own house, not when the party was alive right beneath your watching eyes. The second floor was somewhat calmer, the guests mostly crowding the first one more and more by the second, your arms rest upon polished marble railing, taking in the scene from above.

Everyone knows you, greetings and introduction were a painful duty, you bore too much a resemblance to the host to not be recognized. You don't know anyone except, of course, the host, the false king, the shithead with the tongue dripping of honeyed lies and promised power. Your father. He stands there surrounded by the adoring crowds, men and women well dressed for the occasion with greedy smiles and gleeful eyes and empty heads. Your father sure has way with words and people, that bastard, with how he managed to make all of those airheads believe that they'd get even a drop of benefit by joining him in his quest to " create a new world. "

What a laughing stock, fucking idiots, give it a few hours and whatever names were heard today would be erased from your father's mind the next day, only kept in tight contracts and signed papers that funneled whatever the hell Claw needed to grow. You can picture some of them getting recruited against their will or something, the ones with the psychic auras annoyingly clogging your senses, weak as they are, they might prove themselves useful. The rest, however, you just know terrible things await them, there was even the possibility of getting murdered, you scowl at their unpleasant gathering, you sure hope the majority get killed.

❝ Shou-kun, ❞ you don't respond, they don't intend on hearing you out anyway. ❝ Suzuki-san expects you down in the next 10 minutes. He says that your presence at the meeting is important. ❞

You want to do something, cause something, something stirs inside of you and it's growing and hurting and dangerous. You wonder what a hall full of terrified shrieking would sound like, you wonder who would be the victim, the guy who shook your hand earlier with bloodlust in his eyes, or the woman who whispered something about using telekinesis to get rid of witnesses of a crime. You wonder if anyone would try to stop you, but you just know that you'd end up with selfish cowards running away for their lives.

You can teach them a lesson, you can be terrifying and unforgiving and righteous. You can hurt them. Every single one of them is guilty of this hell arising, and every single one of them deserves to get hurt.

Your father's gaze meets yours from downstairs, and whatever moved inside of you was instantly slayed by the sharpness of those eyes so similar to yours. You move right away, not wasting a second in staring back.

They deserve a lot of things, you can do a lot of things, but it doesn't change what you are, just a cowardly thing bleeding on the inside.

You stand motionless in front of large doors, your father right besides you, his aura hidden so well that you can't even sense his presence and it aggregates you so much you simply want to curse him right then and there for everything he is putting you through and for everything he has ever done. He walks in before you do, you take off the necktie with so much force it almost hurts, the material burns in your hands thanks to pyrokinesis and disappears into thin air before you enter to greet yet another group of fools.

You, too, are a fool in your own way. You just refuse to accept it, you can't live with such knowledge.

❝ My son, ❞ Your father announces to wide windows and golden lights and conceited men surrounding the gleaming meeting table, his hands rest upon your shoulders, too close for your liking. You don't look at anything ahead, taking interest in the sickening white tiles beneath your feet. ❝ An esper. ❞

Only then you decide, if you can give them a taste of what awaits, then you won't miss such a chance. You look up with a level to your head, and a smile helps you to bare your teeth. The force of your aura spreads across the room, pressing on the air and making it hard to inhale, your father wouldn't notice, and if he does, you can't give a shit, it's not like a little fun would ruin everything for him. Even if you foolishly wish from the bottom of your beaten heart that it just would.

---

Proud hands on your shoulders, a threatening smile to your lips.

You set beside the marble railing. The house is empty and dark just as it's large and deserted. The months killed the parties and the gatherings and Claw and everything that had to do with it. You're free of professional leashes and stupid obligations, yet you wonder if something inside of you got killed along everything else.

Proud hands on your shoulders, the same hands around your throat.

You wonder how long you will keep on bleeding for all the things you can do.

[waywardsalt]

Hi! I hope you’re doing good in life! So it’s spooky season so I have an ask related to that. I don’t know if you play horror video games, watch horror movies/shows, or read horror books, but if you do, I have to ask: What is the most disturbing book, or video game or show/movie that you’ve played/watched/read? In my opinion, there is two types of horror: the ones that scare you, and the ones that traumatize you. If you can think of any book, movie, or game that really kind of fucked you up, I’m curious to know if you feel like answering. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Hey, I’m doing good and I hope you are too!

the answer ended up being really long lol

Woof, this is honestly a pretty hard question, since I can't really name any horror (or otherwise) media that actually left me kind of fucked up for a bit, at least not to the degree where it affected me for a while. I probably haven't been really fucked up by anything since I was a kid, so I'll try and recall what a few things fucked me up back then...

Off the top of my head I know that two different spongebob episodes got me bad, the first being one with that tunnel of love thing (tho tbh i havent seen it in a while so it might still spook me today) and the one where i'm pretty sure for whatever reason squidward gets locked in some small locker and has some kind of fucked up dream, whatever that was. I remember there was an eagle in that one. the eagle terrified me. (i looked them up, and the first episode is titled 'tunnel of glove' and the second is 'squidward in clarinetland'. with how badly that second one got to me, i'm surprised i ended up learning to play the clarinet at all)

other than that, i think the courage the cowardly dog episode 'the house of discontent' got me pretty bad, too, but i think everyone who saw any amount of that series as a kid has at least one episode that got them fucked up.

there's probably a handful of scooby-doo stuff that got to me when i was a kid, but i could not name any specifics (asides from charlie the robot's original episode, christ) because i think i managed to see just about every bit of available scooby media around that time.

nowadays stuff still does kinda fuck me up, but it's usually only for brief bits of time. the most recent example I can think of is cowboy bebop's 20's episode, pierrot le fou, which is honestly some great horror, especially how it uses the show's typical format and flips it on it's head, but i wouldn't necessarily say it got to me because of it being scary, more because of the way the ending disturbed me for a bit. it was the only episode that had me stop afterwards and really look into it for anything other than clarifying a character's gender, lol.

the endings of both neon genesis evangelion and end of evangelion had me shaken, the latter more so than the former, but not really due to horror aspects, though. i did have to take a walk after finishing end of evangelion. i don't really watch horror movies, i just... read the wikipedia plot descriptions of them.

honestly, i think some of the more popular youtube analogue horror series have gotten to me worse (likely due to the fact that they can get a bit more fucked up than, say, a tv show or movie), specifically the walten files (which i did watch) and the mandela catalogue (which i just watched wendigoon's vids on), and those two and mostly because facial distortion is generally just an incredibly effective form of horror imo. a lot of the time (esp with the childhood examples) the way i was 'fucked up' was that id be in be visualizing the stuff that scared me, and both the mandela catalogue and the walten files had me doing that for a bit.

now that i remember it, i was really scared of fnaf when it first came out. i first learned of it second-hand from seeing some other kids looking into it, and the bits and pieces i put together about it really scared me.

honestly, it's usually straight-up disturbing sequences or imagery that gets to me the most, and i know my limits well enough to generally identify and avoid that stuff, which is probably why i don't have too many recent examples. i've got one or two examples of non-horror movies that fucked me up as a kid, but that's mostly because they were wildly inappropriate for someone of my age (at the time) to be witnessing, so that's a different sort of topic.

i mean, i think i generally have a decent tolerance for fucked up stuff in media, anyways, i mean, i enjoy berserk and haven't really been too upset or disturbed by what happens in it (look theres some nasty shit in there im not saying its not that bad) so there's definitionally some kind of line that media needs to cross to really get to me nowadays, or it just needs to be a specific kind of fucked up. books generally don't do that for me so i don't have any book examples. no games, either, though shadow mario and the haunted house segments in super mario 3d world scared me so much that i had to make my mom do the levels for me, and i'm pretty sure scooby doo: first frights scared me a bit when i first played it on ds.

other than that, though, I just think that, in pokemon x, the story that an npc tells you during your first trip to route 14 and then the strange office building encounter with the animation-less hex maniac creeped me out pretty bad.

yeah, it's kind of hard for me to think of anything (recent) that actually really fucked me up or anything. most stuff just scared me, never really fucked me up or figuratively traumatized me in recent years.