#That's not even getting into what would happen if there was a genetic predisposition to it

[sciderman]

im so happy for you that you have a possible reason/cause for your brain itch!!!! i hope the tumor removal goes superduper smoothly. Do they know how long its been present/growing???????? how did you find out??? <- you obviously do not have to answer these personal medical questions lmao im just!!!! so curious and excited for you.

from what i've discussed with the docs it's been there for a LONG time... they say this sort of thing might take up to a decade to develop - it doesn't happen overnight!

i think i started noticing symptoms about maybe... 7 years ago? literally as soon as i started working full-time, maybe. my first job stressed me out so much and i cried underneath the tables at 8pm because i couldn't leave the office, i still had so much to do. i was leading up an entire ass animation department at 20 years old. bad. awful. that's when i started depending on things to get me through the day. my body started feeling awful. i thought it was anxiety, or me just being weak, i guess. i don't know if stress created the tumor, or the tumor created the stress - (well, it's the latter now) i think it's probably both, but all the research i've done and what the doctors have said is that there's just - some people with a genetic predisposition for it.

it's funny - i never miss a deadline, and i'm really really good at my job, always. i never let anyone down, ever, at the cost of my own sanity, and i seem to always, always have it put-together when i'm dealing with people - i have the constant consensus from everybody around me that i'm the most cheerful person to work with on this here planet earth - but apparently, my body was falling apart underneath it all - which i failed to recognise, because outwardly i was holding it together so well, and figured it was just normal to cry all the time when nobody was looking.

i started really noticing it after taking on a lot of freelance work on top of my day job – i was really doing very hot, and did these amazing projects for some really amazing clients who sought me out for being amazing (i am amazing) - but naturally, had consecutive nights of no sleep, and quick deadlines - and INVOICING... screams. and just, realised - after taking those jobs that - my heart did not stop pumping afterwards. my heart was still racing a mile a minute, even after all those jobs were done and dusted and ever-so-loved and appreciated by very happy clients. my heart. wouldn't. stop.

i figured it was MAJOR anxiety, and sought out some counselling sessions, hoping they'd help. i relayed my woes. i said i'm worried i'm not resting enough. i'm not sleeping enough. my heart rate won't go down. they said "oh. not everybody needs 8 hours sleep, don't worry about it. everyone's different." - for some reason that reassured me. i thought it was okay. okay. i don't need rest. maybe my body's just different and doesn't need rest. maybe that's why i wake up at 6am every morning without fail. i just don't need sleep, i guess. (bad advice.)

so – everyone is telling me i'm okay. i should just get on. you're barely sleeping? that's fine, you probably don't need it. your heart is pumping? that's healthy. your heart SHOULD pump, idiot. get back to work.

i felt very unhappy at work - i felt like i was stagnating - so i moved job, last year. i moved job to one that was so, so much more fast-paced. i thought the excitement and change would do me good - but i've been facing maybe - 3 deadlines a day? vs my previous one-deadline-a-month arrangement. and i think it broke me. i needed to depend on so many unhealthy habits to get me through the day. i needed like 6 energy drinks, 3 coffees, i'd have the shakes, i'd have the jitters, i'd feel like i was going to fall apart every single day.

and then, one day, i did.

one week last year i doubled over - my body was in so much pain that i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, and worst off - i couldn't work. it was the first time i'd taken sick leave - i couldn't function. after being on antibiotics that didn't work, i eventually went into the emergency room because i just couldn't sleep. i couldn't do anything. i didn't care if they put me down, i wanted the pain to end.

she was a kidney stone. her name was sharon (sharon stone) - i suspect it was all the energy drinks that made her. i've dealt with her now. but during the process, the doc pulled me aside, and he said "dear. do you have any pain in your other kidney?"

i said... no............... why?

doc said "ah. problem for another time."

so, once sharon was dealt with, obviously i had to chase up on that doctor's ominous warning. i said "WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY OTHER KIDNEY!!"

you have a tumor, dear. his name is lamar. he's on your right adrenal gland, and we suspect he's messing up all your hormones.

i did my own research, and turns out all these crazy, mysterious symptoms i've been having all line up - so i chased, and chased, and chased.

the doctors didn't take me seriously at first. because i guess i'm not in pain, and i handle it so well. i'm still so strong. i'm a fighter, i guess. whatever. but, turns out...

it's worth it to chase. your life might depend on it. i'm so glad i did, because there's an end to my suffering (dear god, i hope) - but, guys, if your heart won't slow, and you chronically can't relax, and you feel like there are bees in your brain - that's the time to do some research. it isn't normal, actually. and sure - it might not be a tumor, but - kid, you need some support. you need some help. you need to ask some questions. it's not okay for that to be your baseline. your body needs to rest. it needs to rest. even if i have to force it to. it has to rest.

right now i'm in a major stressed way, and i broke down and cried. i'm in the middle of a freelance job, and in the middle of an interviewing process for a new full-time job, and still working my current full-time job with 3 deadlines a day, and my surgery is next week. and i feel like crying. all the time.

i can't wait for rest. i hate that i literally have to be hospitalised to get it. but, i'll get it. i'm going to rest so fucking hard.

[stell404]

𝗙𝗔𝗠𝗜𝗟𝗬 𝗝𝗘𝗪𝗘𝗟𝗦

𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗟𝗢𝗚𝗨𝗘

🎧

Family jewels masterlist | back to navigation Parings: Sully family x reader, jake sully x daughter!reader Word count: 803 Notes: I hope you guys like this!! I hope this isn't too little for a prologue also sorry if it's bad, english is not my first language 😭😭 Btw the big spaces between some paragraphs indicate a scene change/time skip!! Also, this fic is inspired by @neteyamsilly's fic 'i will soften every edge, hold the world to its best' it's an amazing story so if you haven't read it yet (i'm sure everyone has seen that...if you haven't then what are you doing with your life), not the whole thing, just some parts!! Anyway I hope you all like this (lowkey scared to post this) 🫶🏼🫶🏼

🎧

For the sky-people—and I guess for some Na'vi too—having a daughter is considered 'sad'. It is as if bringing life to a female is something to mourn rather than it being something to celebrate. Why? Perhaps they think that women are useless, just an object of reproduction, a maid, someone who is 'not fit' to lead. What a poor excuse.

This caused troubles to the life of young girls, obviously. Hence, the old sky-people theory.

There is an old theory that first-born daughters were genetically predispositioned to look, act, and think more like their father, this theory was made so that the fathers would love their daughter instead of neglecting them simply because they are female.

Jake's first-born daughter, [Name], is a perfect replica of him. You'd assume Lo'ak was his carbon copy and yeah, indeed he is, not only do they look identical but even his and Lo'ak's life were parallel to each other.

But [Name]'s thoughts, speech, gait, and other traits are very similar to those of Jake when he was a mere teenager like her. The traits that led Jake into trouble as a child—his stubbornness, lust for adventure, pride, and bravery—were also the ones that caused him to become paralyzed from the waist down.

He feared his daughter would go down the same path he did, he could not bear to watch it. He was completely overcome by terror, slowly turning to anger the second the sky-people decided to step foot in Pandora once again.

They no longer had the wonderful father-daughter connection they had when [Name] was a young child; instead, they had become like bulls that constantly butted heads whenever they had the opportunity.

[Name] didn't get why this was happening. It had been like this since they had to move to High camp; perhaps it's because of the stress, there had been this tension amongst her family, like a thick atmosphere keeping them all away from each other.

Considering what [Name] and her siblings are doing, she and her father would definitely get into yet another dispute.

It was way past the eclipse but [Name] and her siblings are still out in the forest. Crackling sounds emitted from the small bonfire they all surrounded. The leaves from trees around them rustled at the wind's subtle blow

Normally, at this time they would be home eating dinner. But tonight it's different, Neteyam agreed to his siblings dumb plan to sneak out, who would've thought?

"You know dad will skin us when we come back," Neteyam said playfully to his siblings.

"No he won't, loser!" Tuk exclaimed, causing gasps and laughter to burst from the siblings.

"Tuk who taught you that!?" Kiri laughed in shock.

"[Name] did," she said, pointing at [Name]. Her big sister simply mouthed a small "fuck you" to her causing her to giggle at her sisters childish manners.

Their night continued on with chatters and laughter. As things started to calm down, and the topic of their conversation got less and less childish, [Name] decided to share her plan to her siblings.

"You know, I've been thinking, I'll tell dad I'm gonna do my Iknimaya soon," [Name] said in a whisper, a small smile of desire decorated her face.

Lo'ak snorted, "He'll say no."

"Lo'ak," Neteyam warned his brother.

"Well I'm not asking him, I'm telling him." [Name] shot back, rolling her eyes.

"He still won't allow you." Lo'ak said in a sing-song voice, as if to tease her. This earned him a playful smack in the head by his sister. Laughter can be heard from afar as Lo'ak and [Name] continued their playful squabbling.

It was almost morning when they all decided to return back to High camp. They quietly snuck in their tent, hoping their parents are still sleeping.

As they were getting closer their mother—Neytiri—opened the tent flaps hastily, the siblings stood in shock as their mother ran to hug them.

"Where were you guys? You got me and your father so worried, are you guys okay? Are any of you hurt?" she asked, stumbling over her words.

"We are fine, Mother." Neteyam spoke, placing a hand on Neytiri's shoulder.

Jake walked up from behind them, clearing his throat to get the attention. The siblings tensed up as they saw him.

"Kiri, Tuk, get some sleep." he said, hugging his daughters. [Name] was jealous, she was his daughter too, why doesn't she get that treatment? Neytiri took her two daughters back to the tent, leaving Jake with her three other kids

Jake stared at his three kids with an angry and disappointed look on his face.  [Name] and her brothers stood straight with their hands behind their backs.

"Sir—" Neteyam started but was quickly cut off by Jake.

"[Name], Netyam, Lo'ak, come with me. We need to talk."

[aemiron-main]

Owens, Cancer, Peter, Regenerative Healing and The Cure

So, the mysterious Peter Owens has been haunting me lately. And now, I have a theory about him.

I think that Peter Owens was Owens’ son who may have had cancer, and that Owens’ involvement with HNL and Henward’s kidnapping/testing on Henward in the lab was likely connected to Owens trying to save Peter and find a cure for cancer.

Let’s get into it.

So. Why would Peter Owens have cancer and what evidence is there to support the idea of Peter having cancer?

Well, as far as how Peter Owens got cancer goes, Hopper talks about Agent Orange causing cancer in the children of Vietnam war veterans such as himself, which is what happened to Sara.

Hopper even namedrops “Uncle Sam” during that scene, versus Sam being named Sam Owens:

So, there’s a chance that Peter’s cancer was the result of Owens being involved in the Vietnam war, or Owens simply being exposed to some other chemical, or even just a genetic predisposition to cancer passed down to Peter (something we’ll come back to later in this post when I talk about Fringe.)

And regarding the other evidence to support Peter having cancer, Owens has So Much disease and cure and cancer imagery surrounding him, right down to talking about “stopping the spread” re: the gate and talking about replication all the time.

Owens’ connection to the supernatural is almost aways tied to references of “spreading” and “disease,” and he’s specifically focused on stopping things from spreading- much like cancer:

And he also talks about a "cure" in the context of a virus/disease spreading:

And Owens also has this scene where the other scientist is talking about pesticides vs Hopper talking about how Agent Orange was touted as a herbicide- which connects Owens to that Hopper cancer scene yet again:

Owens also refers to possessed Will as “son”- possessed Will, who currently has a “disease” replicating in his body and taking him over and killing him:

And that shot of Hopper in the stairwell after Sara died from cancer versus the shot of Owens in the stairwell and the two being paralleled- which makes sense of Owens, like Hopper, also lost a child to cancer:

And I also talked in this post about how Owens “gets”/understands what it’s like to lose a son. And Owens also talks AGAIN about “getting it,” and this time it’s SPECIFICALLY in the context of Will having a “disease” replicating in his body and killing him:

And the next scene RIGHT after that scene where Owens talks about “getting” what it’s like to have a son replicating with something inside of him, we get this shot of Nancy’s tape and SPECIFICALLY we get the line from Owens about stopping the spread AGAIN:

And to top all of this off, OWENS is the character who drops the word “cancer” and who compares the spread of the UD to cancer:

Owens’ son having died of cancer would also explain why he’s not willing to let Will die from the “virus”/shadow particles:

Especially with that “say that to me again” line from Owens- that’s not a rational, “here’s the scientific reason why I disagree with you,” or even “hey, killing kids is morally wrong,” instead, it’s an immediate emotional response that lacks context as he’s not even just like. being emotional and saying “hey killing kids is bad,” instead, he just gets emotional and makes a threat but doesn’t provide any specific reason for it.

That scene has always felt a bit off to me, like there’s something we’re missing, like we’re missing some reason why the other scientist should know not to say something like that to Owens Specifically. Especially since the scientists all shut up for a bit after Owens says that/there’s clearly some weight to his words/something that the audience isn’t aware of.

Which, that would make sense if those other scientists knew about what happened to Peter/him dying of cancer. After all, it would be an obvious dick move to suggest letting a young boy die of a spreading disease to a dude whose son died of cancer.

Long story short, the spread/cancer imagery is CONSTANT with Owens, and so are the references to him losing a son.

Now that we’ve established that the basis/subtext is there for Owens to have a son that died of cancer, that brings up the question of why would Henward be necessary for Owens to try and cure cancer?

Well, James and I were chatting awhile back about Henriette Lacks, after I’d mentioned that I thought there was a connection between the cancer references in ST vs Vecna’s regenerative healing, as Vecna’s regen healing seems to work a lot like cancer cells/might be what caused his strange appearance, as a lot of his skin seems to resemble tumors, with him even having what looks like random TEETH on his skin, which is something often seen in tumors.

And when we look at Henrietta Lacks, her cells, which were taken from a cervical cancer biopsy, were the first immortal human cell line that reproduced infinitely. Henrietta’s cells were used to study cancer treatments and how to stop the spread of cancer without having to test on an entire living person, and instead just being able to test on the cells themselves, as usually, human cells die pretty quickly after being separated from the person, but Henrietta’s cells did not, and instead, kept dividing. ST regen healing seems to act basically like cancer cells but with an even faster rate of growth/replication, which is exactly what Henrietta’s cells were.

So, if Henward had regen healing, and if Henward’s cells both a.) replicated like cancer cells and b.) replicated even faster the way that Henrietta’s cells did/were basically immortal even when removed from the body, then Henward would have been the perfect subject to use to research a cure for cancer.

This may also tie into Brenner’s claim that he was trying to help/cure Henward/Henward talking about how his parents wanted to cure him- if Henward’s regen healing was similar to Henrietta Lacks’ cells, it’s worth noting that the properties of Henrietta Lacks’ cancer cells were the result of being infected with HPV. So, if Henward also had some sort of disease that caused the same sort of thing & made him a sickly child & if Brenner/Owens claimed that they could cure him the same way they planned on curing cancer but needed his cells to do so/to test the cure on/ro develop the cure. Especially since Henrietta’s own cancer cells are what killed her- so there’s a chance that Henward was at risk of the same sort of thing happening/that he didn’t quite have proper regen healing before the lab but DID have those cells (and then lab experiments/gettinf yeeted to the yellow UD kickstarted in the actual regen healing we see with Vecna).

Plus, yknow. The name Henry vs Henrietta… and the fact that Henrietta Lacks’ cells were taken without her consent vs Henward being kidnapped and taken to the lab, clearly without his consent.

So, again, somebody with regen healing is basically a prime candidate for being used to try and cure cancer.

But that same person could also be a path to near immortality. Because after all, like I said, regen healing cells act like cancer cells, and cancer cells ignore the signals that tell them to self destruct/they’re basically immortal, and Henrietta Lacks’ cells even moreso, as they replicate even faster and again, ignore those destruction signals. So, they’d basically be the key to immortality if there was such a key. If an entire person could do what a single cancer/Henrietta Lacks cell did (which is likely exactly what Henward’s regen healing does, or something similar), with some tweaking, there’s a chance they could become immortal/regenerate when injured the way Vecna does etc.

If Brenner ended up using this research to give himself regenerative healing/pursuing immortality for himself, it would explain how he survived the Demogorgon attack in S1, and it would explain why Matthew Modine is convinced that Brenner STILL isn’t dead. It would also give Brenner a motive for his experiments that goes beyond mere scientific curiosity, which would explain why he was willing to go to such extreme lengths for his research.

And if Brenner wanted to experiment on Henward’s cells for the purpose of his own immortality versus Owens wanting to do it to try and find a cure for cancer, it would explain how the two of them could have such opposing morals but end up working together, because even if their goals were totally different (immortality vs cancer cure), they both needed to take the same path/experiment on Henward.

After all, whether you like/trust Owens or not, based on what we see from him in the show, he DOES seem to have moral lines that Brenner does not.

For example, during NINA, he talks about how he’s compromised his principles/morals by helping with NINA & how he sees a traumatized little girl, something he’s clearly distressed by, unlike Martin. He also says that he’s only doing this because Martin said that it was the only way:

So, how does a guy like that, who clearly has some sort of moral code/who does genuinely seem to care about peoole like El and Will in a way that Brenner does not end up working for HNL/working with Brenner/experimenting on Henward?

Well, if it was Owen’s son’s life on the line… it would make sense for that to be the one thing that could get Owens to compromise his morals and experiment on Henward- after all, in that screenshot from earlier, Owens lists his family and his principles together- two things that seem to be equally important to him. So, if one of those things (his family/his son) was in danger, would he be willing to compromise the other thing (his morals/principles) to save his family? I think he would.

And to top all of this off, it would also track perfectly with the Fringe parallels (with Fringe being a huge source of inspiration for ST/constant direct parallels).

**FRINGE SPOILERS**

In Fringe, scientist Walter Bishop’s son, Peter, is dying of a rare genetic disease. Walter is trying desperately to find the cure, but fails, and his Peter dies. However, Walter has been using a window into another timeline to watch his alternate timeline self (nicknamed Walternate) *also* work on a cure for Peter- and the alternate Peter isn’t cured yet, but is still alive when Walter’s Peter dies. And one day, when watching Walternate work on a cure, Walter notices that Walternate found the cure, but Walternate was distracted and thought that his cure/experiment had failed. So, Walter went into the other timeline and planned simply on curing alternate timeline Peter, but ended up taking him/kidnapping him back to Walter’s own timeline, and keeping him there and raising him as if he was his actual Peter.

And Owens is EXTREMELY paralleled to Walter. Like. Constantly. Costuming parallels, dialogue parallels, entire scene/shot parallels. It’s literally neverending and constant. Go watch even 5 minutes of like any Fringe scene with Walter, and you’ll notice it. Both Victor and Owens are deeply Walter paralleled to the point of almost verging on plagiarism LMAO.

So, this would track with Owens kidnapping a child (Henward) to try and save his son/trying to cure his son’s genetic disease, just like Walter did (except the child Walter kidnapped was Peter himself, although Walter did also do experiments on other children, such as Olivia), and possibly even crossing timelines to do so, which has me staring at all of the Henry vs Edward weirdness…

This is also likely why Owens’ son is named Peter- it’s meant to be a reference to Peter Bishop (which, it’s also interesting that Peter and Walter have the last name “Bishop,” as there’s the Bishop chess piece & the idea of their last name being connected to chess is referenced in Fringe, which has me staring at Henward talking about how Brenner moves people around like pieces on a chessboard to manipulate them- which would make sense if Brenner was manipulating Owens and his son & leading Owens to believe that they were pursuing a cure for cancer when in reality Brenner was pursuing his own immortality/regeneration).

So, yeah! I won’t be surprised at all if S5 reveals that Owens’ son, Peter, died from cancer.

And what El says about Brenner not letting Henry go- if Peter died, it would make sense to let Henry go/for Owens to want to let Henry go, because he doesn’t need Henry anymore because he can’t save Peter anymore.

But if Brenner wanted to continue his research/continue pursuing his own immortality, it would make sense for him to not let Henry go, and would explain why it’s Brenner Specifically who is listed as not letting Henry go.

This would also explain why Owens doesn’t seem to be present in the lab during any of El’s flashbacks, not even back in 1979/any of the NINA memories- if he stopped working on the project after Peter’s death…

It would also explain why Hopper introduces El to Owens as if they’ve never met- because El hasn’t met him:

Especially since Sullivan refers to El as “Brenner’s little pet,” and doesn’t include Owens in that regard, and Owens’ bitchy line about daddy-daughter time/Owens not approving of what Brenner did to El/his relationship with her:

However, there’s also the matter of the Peter that Brenner asks for over the intercom:

And I think there’s a few options here in the context of this post:

1.) The Peter that Brenner asks for is simply another random Peter, not Peter Owens, but is delivering subtext about Peter Owens (ie, lab Peter died, delivering the subtext that Peter Owens also died, just in a different way).

This could also be a reference to the timeline weirdness that we see with the massacre, as Peter in Fringe is basically the cause of the two timelines colliding/opening a hole between the two of them.

2.) The Peter that Brenner asks for IS Peter Owens, working as an orderly in the lab. He may have died during the 1979 massacre, and so, then while that doesn’t explain why we didn’t see Owens at all in the flashbacks pre-1979 massacre, if Peter died then, it would explain why Owens is absent from HNL in El’s post-1979 HNL memories. And also, it may actually still explain why Owens was absent during the 1979/pre massacre NINA flashbacks- if Peter’s cancer HAD been cured/treated and he was simply working there or a patient receiving treatment there or BOTH, then Owens wouldn’t necessarily need to work at the lab anymore, as his goal (saving Peter) had been accomplished, and then Peter died during the 1979 massacre.

3.) Henry or Edward was brainwashed into believing that he was Peter Owens/Owens’ son in an attempt to get him to cooperate.

Especially with what I’ve talked about before re: The Changeling and other things and the idea of Edward believing that he IS Henry. If Henry wasn’t useful for whatever reason and they needed Edward instead, and needed Edward to believe that he’s Henry, it would be helpful if the actual Henry believes that he isn’t Henry and is, in fact, Peter.

This would also explain why Henward’s fake name for casting was “Peter Ballard”.

And while option 3.) does admittedly sound far-fetched, when we look at Fringe, Olivia (who is very similar to Henward/blonde child who got experimented on against her will) is swapped with her alternate timeline counterpart/has her alternate timeline counterpart’s memories implanted into her head (staring at NINA & those bts pics that show that Young Henward has a NINA suit in his costume wardrobe and also staring at the multiple versions of the Creel murders that we see/Vecna’s memories of the murders being different from Victor’s retelling), because one Olivia has powers that the other Olivia does not have, and in order to get the Olivia with powers to cooperate willingly/use her powers, they have to convince her that she truly is the other Olivia.

Which, that would also track with that line about 001 struggling with his powers at first until suddenly he came in one day and everything changed- especially since that dialogue is in the context of memories, specifically, sad/angry memories- so, if Edward had some of Henry’s memories of the Creel murders implanted into him and believed that they were his own memories/believed that he was Henry… and then Henry possibly being led to believe that he was Peter in some way/Henry even simply becoming a proxy for Peter in the sense of them experimenting on Henry instead of Peter (to test cures in case something goes wrong so that they don’t risk Peter’s life) even if he doesn’t truly believe that he’s Peter. Which, that means that they would have to give Henry cancer- or, mess with his regen healing to have the same effect, OR infect him with shadow particles which have been very cancer-paralleled, as we’ve seen with Will in S2.

Anyway! Much to think about. Admittedly that last bit is a fair bit of fun speculation, but overall, I really do think there’s some solid connections here regarding Owens, Peter, Henward, Fringe, and cancer. Also, I won’t be surprised if we get a father-son vibe between Henward and Owens in the lab, which may explain part of why Owens has so many constant Victor parallels, with Victor being Henward’s actual father vs Owens possibly being a father figure, especially if Henward was ever brainwashed to believe that he was Peter.

[schizosamwincester]

Schizophrenia-coding in Supernatural: John Winchester

So, I'm starting an occasional series of posts. I don't want to, but I feel like I have to because Good Lord a lot of story elements in this show parallel schizophrenia. To be clear: despite my username, I am not arguing that any characters are actually schizophrenic. I do not think that is canonically true. I certainly have headcanons, but the text doesn't back them up. However, their experiences are undeniably similar to schizophrenics. I don't know how much of it is deliberate, but some of it undoubtedly is (see 2.10, "Hunted").

Some background: schizophrenia is generally understood to develop in 3 phases: the prodromal, the active, and the recovery. The most important one for most of these parallels is the prodromal. This is where the symptoms start to appear and are fairly mild, before getting more intense and building to a full psychotic break.

Now what exactly does the prodromal phase look like? Well. I have an example.

He starts out seemingly neurotypical. Maybe he's thinking about supernatural explanations, but if he is, it's all in how head. Slowly, things ramp up. He focuses on it more and more, and he starts sharing his ideas with other people. Eventually, it moves from thoughts and speech to actively influencing his behavior. He's doing new and different things because of these new beliefs. That said, he isn't in a full state of psychosis yet. He's holding down his job at the garage. He's still taking care of his kids. I'd assume he's keeping up personal hygiene. Still, even though he's still functioning, his symptoms are becoming obvious.

The actual point when he goes from the prodromal phase to the active phase, I'd say would be when he finally leaves Laurence and takes his kids on the road. That's when he's no longer focused on reality at all. He's no longer functioning within society. He isn't working anymore. He isn't really taking care of his kids (Dean is doing that). He doesn't maintain relationships with anyone from his previous life.

Schizophrenia is not always triggered by trauma, but it absolutely can be. My own psychotic break was arguably triggered by trauma (or at least, extreme stress). Plus, John was 24. The most common age of onset for schizophrenia is late teens to early twenties (although really, anywhere from 13-30 is normal). A young father having a psychotic break after his wife dies in a house fire is absolutely a thing that would happen, especially if John had a genetic predisposition to psychotic disorders.

Is it a perfect match up? No, but really only because we don't have enough detail. We don't know how long the slow build-up lasted (the prodrome generally lasts less than 2 years), and we don't actually know what the transition between John merely investigating things and him becoming a full-blown hunter looked like. Still, it fits the pattern well enough that I immediately noticed.

Now, this wasn't an intentional decision by the writers, but I don't think it's coincidental, either. The idea of slowly going "crazy" is common cultural knowledge. Sure, schizophrenia isn't the most common thing, but it's common enough that everyone runs into it sooner or later. Maybe it isn't anyone in your family or who you know directly, but there's always a friend of a friend, or someone's kid, or just someone you've heard about in your town. Everyone's heard a story of someone starting to say weird things and eventually ending up completely psychotic. The writers may not have known the terms prodromal phase and active phase, but they were certainly trying to show that to outsiders, John looked "crazy," and so they built upon the common cultural idea of what "going crazy" looks like.

This repeats throughout the series, especially with the special children. Over and over, the writers bring up the idea of people involved with the supernatural looking "crazy" to outsiders. It was inevitable that they'd parallel schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders, because psychosis is generally what people mean when they say "crazy."

[apexulansis]

CHARACTER INFO SHEET — ;

TAGGED BY: @dynamoprotocol thank you! always appreciate you tagging me even if i sometimes take forever to do it TAGGING: @vin-robles @solarisgod @swynfyr @skxrbrand / @xaallo @precognitor @ohshadow @endofall / @lobiita @gnarledbite @saintslaughter @rosecrowned / @khalesci

NAME: Vsentis azet Ardaka

NAME MEANING: The Prodigal Hunter, with his birth name meaning Prodigy and his secondary name meaning Hunter

ALIAS(ES): Heratrix, The Lost Prince, Bane of Sigma Rhada 6

ETHNICITY: Zahhanian Rax-Kariian of Clan Yukariksias

PICTURES YOU LIKE BEST OF YOUR CHARACTER: I'll choose pictures I've done because I love every piece others do of him and it would be too hard to pick then.

THREE HEADCANONS YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE: I've probably told people/posted them in the past but only one or two; here are some Rare(tm) ones I scarcely talk about anyway.

The ear scarification essentially denotes that he's a capable killer. Capable of doing what's best for the 'greater good' (as you could guess, this mostly means 'capable of doing morally reprehensible things'). While these scars are small and easy to miss, it's one of Ardaka's biggest sources of bodily dysphoria and he's considered just cutting off the top half of his remaining ear just to get rid of them. He's almost gone through with it half a dozen times. Kariians are very prideful of their ears, but Ardaka doesn't mind the tatters in his at all largely because those tatters got rid of the part that had the scarification on it. He absolutely hates when people ask about them.

Ardaka has a genetic predisposition for the same kind of mutation Yeskiv was born with — i.e, polycephaly. If he has twins, there's a chance they'll be born with this — either as conjoined twins or as one of them subsuming the other (like Yeskiv). If this happens, it's also pretty likely that Ardaka will become detached from that child (or children) and distance himself. Not because he really wants to, but rather it reminds him so much of his mother that he can't stand it. Additionally, Ardaka also has a chance to mutate an additional mouth in the far future and end up highly resembling Yeskiv himself.

Ardaka is rather indifferent about gender roles and doesn't care to adhere to them, but he does quite like it when his romantic/sexual partners associate him with a particular one, whether it's masculine or feminine. He can't exactly explain why, because he doesn't really get it himself, but he enjoys it nonetheless. Maybe it just makes him feel included.

THREE THINGS YOUR CHARACTER LIKES DOING IN THEIR FREE TIME:

Botany. Sometimes. Not to the extent of someone like Vin per se, but he does like cultivating at least one weird plant. This is sort of a habit he picked up on from Yeskiv. But also because, in the Dominion, caring for a plant was less likely to result in death and anguish than if he were to care for a beast and have it perish later.

Collecting / cleaning up / fixing antiques.

Bone-carving. With the bones from the animals he hunts. He tries not to use the bones from sapients but.... He would be lying if he said he never has before. The bones can be made as trinkets, weapons, jewelry, or just something for decoration.

EIGHT SIX PEOPLE YOUR CHARACTER LIKES/LOVES: Zovariy, Vasque, Vin, Xaallo, Two, Sliske

TWO THINGS YOUR CHARACTER REGRETS:

I mean. The genocide, obviously. Doesn't change the fact that it would've happened regardless of the choices he made, and that he didn't really have a choice, but he still regrets being the one to press that button.

Staying as long in the Dominion as he did. He thinks if he left sooner, it would've changed things like the prior answer.

Also regrets being born but y'know that's neither here nor there.

TWO PHOBIAS YOUR CHARACTER HAS:

Other kariians. Not sure if I would call it an outright phobia, but it may as well be, because he would freak out if he saw another one. For the sake of including something less predictable, I'll include his mother in this answer.

Being taken back to the Dominion. His worst nightmares revolve around this.

[royalreef]

@spkyscry inquired: I set Vera down, it's finally time for her and Miri to get that hypothetical fankid- We should breed and ask our child what they think - Accepting

(( First things first: Miranda would refuse to have kids for a long time. As fun of a plot as it can be sometimes, she's really not the accidental kids type — her fear of having a bastard taught her too well there, and she's very much on birth control for all of my time writing her. Likewise, both her genetics and her very predisposition as a merfolk mean that, unless she's trying very hard to have one, a kid is unlikely to happen.

And, of course, the reason for all of this is the Merkingdom. Heirs are fun to think about in theory, but in practice... she's terrified of them. Of putting someone else through the exact same process that she went through herself. If the Merkingdom stands, she puts off having them for as long as possible, until the courts force her hand on the issue, and that's not a particularly fun timeline to think about for multiple reasons. If I'm talking fankids, then the Merkingdom is no more and Miranda isn't Crown Princess anymore. It's only in more domestic settings that she naturally arrives at the conclusion to have kids, when she finally feels safe and secure enough to actually confront the issue of having a family.

Being planned gives her time to fret, and to worry. Vera lacks a tail, and Miranda is tailed, so there's a concern for their spine potentially not being formed correctly. Likewise for Vera's snakes. Miranda has no genes for such, and her own head has a plenty of its own going on, so the presence of snakes could impact the formation of the skull, or impact their jaw muscles, or even warp their inner ear. Vera is bipedal and she's not, which means potential joint issues, potential balance issues, potential for even their limbs to come out mismatched or the wrong sizes to move. It's worry on top of worry, fretting on top of fretting, and that's not even accounting for more basic chemical differences, things which Miranda herself might feel and be impacted by.

They come scaly and such a pale green that Miranda startles at first, even if they lack the change to the inner pigment of their mouth and gums to indicate the same color mutation as her sister had. The green darkens up in time over their back and top, but never quite fully reaches their stomach, making them look like marble covered in moss. Their eyes are red, but by technicality, leaning dark and deep, nearly brown, even if their pupils are slit all the same.

It's Vera's face that they have, mostly, oddly delicate for what Miranda was sure her genes would be translated as. Their teeth are sharper than Vera's, more pointed, but lack true fangs, possessing only small, stubby points positioned more towards the rear of the mouth, lacking any venom. Their stone gaze is similarly absent, at best manifesting as only an unpleasant intensity on a whim, but they do possess several snakes, slightly fewer than Vera's own.

Their body seemingly took after Miranda's more than Vera. It's a more typical layout for a merfolk, maybe with smaller claws than might be normal. Their tail is flattened all the same, but missing the upper fluke, rendering it far more eel-like than even Miranda's. Certainly they're far smaller than Miranda, sitting more on the small side of any merfolk, but otherwise they seem perfectly healthy. The snakes provide a great issue when swimming, their reduced fins and gills meaning they cannot stay under like Miranda can, but they can warm at will like Vera, even if they still require saltwater like Miranda.

They are raised without any real attempt to label them as any gender. Being half merfolk and all, having Miranda's side of the genepool, there's nothing to really go off of either way, and it'd probably be better if they came to their own conclusions on the issue. Later, around the curve of puberty, he accepts a hint of boyish pride, and the topic is decided.

He's far more standoffish and private than Miranda, inheriting less of the merfolk need for socialization, but they still have a chronic habit of sticking their own foot in their mouth whenever they speak. Not for a lack of trying, evidently, but the words seemingly just get jumbled up for him. It leads to frustration, which leads to silence and storming. However, there are those that understand what's being said even without the words to really say it, who are perfectly happy to sit with him in the silence, and, all the same, they make a handful of loyal friends that they would do anything for.

[agirldying]

hello, that's my ask about determinism

tw: determinism, csa and i guess victim blaming

sometimes i feel like humans arent really beings who constantly get to make choices. i feel like our brains are just reacting to stimulants and behaving in such a way that a strong enough computer could take every variable into account and predict the future. like some of these games where you kind of give some little guys a personality and put them in an set environment and the game just makes stuff happen based off of that.

it's not something that torments me but sometimes when i overthink it i find it hard to blame my abuser. im convinced that somehow i could have been him. that it would have only taken the right circumstances. and that maybe he only did what he did because he had those circumstances lined up. and he was not even that much older (6 years gap when i was 9). and it makes me feel so bad. like i'm lucky to have the higher ground but i could have been just as disgusting.

what would it have taken for me to be awful, as awful as him? fortunately i didn't actively harm someone as a consequence of the csa but i kissed someone younger once when i was a child and pulled away immediately. i felt really bad ever since. and i keep thinking how close was i to be like him? how much can i blame him? did he just fall into a predictable set of actions that preceded his birth? maybe thousands of year ago what he did was already written and it's not his fault he's just a rabot with extra features and so am i.

i'm not even a spiritual person, it's just an idea that stuck with me for a while and even when i was abused i kept thinking yeah but it's not his fault he did that. he couldn't resist it and i didnt actively stop him. how much is it his fault if he just really really need to get released? it's incomparable i know but sometimes i think to myself how is that any different than me uncontrollably snacking? maybe i could have avoided it but maybe something about the way my day started was such that at 2am today i *had* to snack on chips. and maybe the whole universe since its very creation is such that he *had* to hurt me.

Hi anon,

I definitely see what you're saying about how determinism can almost excuse abuse because it implies that it's not their fault because they had no choice in the end. I think everyone's free to believe what they want, but to me this train of logic sounds harmful to survivors.

I believe that we are all each other living wildly different lives and with different genetic traits and predispositions (similar to solipsism) but I also believe we're all responsible for our behavior in some way. I think of myself in my abuser's shoes and I hate myself for what I've done, or maybe I've been through enough numbing experiences as him to the point where I don't have remorse for or even awareness of the effects of my actions. But there's only so much speculation that can be done, because there are probably factors I'm not considering because I'm simply not living his life.

I find solace in knowing that abuse is often a choice. I think even to times were I trolled or harassed someone else, and I can see how it was a choice I made. I could've just as easily (if not more) just avoided saying or doing anything, but I felt defensive in one way or another and decided to act on that feeling in a spiteful and venomous way. Of course abuse isn't always a choice, sometimes it's on accident, sometimes it's coerced, but I still don't believe that a lack of choice necessarily points to determinism. I think determinism has the ability to strip meaning from reality, which I think is a central underpinning to life, the perpetual search for meaning.

It's easy for trauma survivors like us to speculate about the "meaning" of our abuse, even in a grand, astral context. I've definitely had times where I wondered if my abuser was destined to do this to me, if perhaps he as a entity is present throughout previous and future lifetimes, eternally tormenting me in different contexts. There are a lot of things we don't know about life and how to make sense of it. A lot of it is messy and horrifying. My experience has led me to encounter the problem of evil, which you may have as well. I see life as the perpetual battle against evil, and I try my best to be on the benevolent side.

I digress. Perhaps your abuser's behavior was predictable given his circumstances, but I don't believe that excuses what he's done. Even if we are just robots programmed to do these things, I think it's still wrong. Maybe we should investigate the programmer for writing that part in, you know?

I also resonate with what you said in the last paragraph. It took me a long time to actually blame my abuser and not his alleged trauma. When I was enduring his abuse I would always tell myself that he doesn't know any better, that this was how he was raised to express his love, and yet I wouldn't say that to any other victim. I found it to be internalized victim blaming, or even just trying to deny the harsh reality that I was actually being abused.

I also just want to say the thing my counseling professor says which is that even if you "have" to eat something because you're hungry, you're still making the choice to eat instead of starve to death.

There's a lot to say with this subject so I apologize for rambling but I hope I could help or provide some insight and I'm here if you need anything or want to talk about this more.

[ang3l-core]

A little bit bitter

Really sad isn't it ? how one of the things that I feel like can really make me feel the most unhappy at times whenever I'm reminded of it's existence had to have such an unfortunate truth in which I was told about when I was bit younger a couple years ago that there was pretty much nothing that I could do about it

And I guess I'm just a little bit bitter I suppose and still even now because for years I have basically had to sit back and just watch while something I had a predisposition for that was embedded in my genetic code progressed into even more and more worse illness and kept on overlapping and causing problems until it had took over my whole body

A disease in my connective tissues that are connecting me, so tightly woven like a fabric so it could make sure to be together with me forever permanently for eternity

Perhaps even after death, so I don't even think I could even ever give some of myself away to save somebody else

So in some way I kind of feel sort of like guilt or shame about it

Cuz back when I was a kid all I wanted to do was donate but now I honestly don't think that that's ever gonna happen because I don't really want anyone to be inheriting what had been little by little eating at me away

Anyways I didn't want this to feel like I'm just tryna be like really bleak or morbid

I just feel like at my core in reality having this for me this is what it is

I could try to hide it from people and you could just see only the smiling version of me

But what you wouldn't see from looking at the warmth in my eyes are also all the moments where I still feel horrible and emotionally torn because how this has progressed for me so far has been heart-wrenching

I feel like honestly I am still struggling with coming to terms still with how this is how life is for me

I wanna still have hope that I actually can do this and I can make it through this, like how it's all been affecting me like mentally and physically

But I think I have somewhat given up hopes on ever escaping this thing because in a way somehow I guess that interchangeably that u could say really I am it or it is me

And also I guess that it's still apart of my body so it's a part of me so as the years go by and it's progressing and changing along with me

I've been tryna relearn to still love myself with it but it hasn't exactly been easy

Now after all the days, months and another whole calender goes around again I am proud to say that at least I've been managing it enough to prevent any more prolonged hospital stays

Even though I will still have alot of flare ups sometimes and bad days

But again I would say that it's alot more comfortable trying to take care of it in not an uncomfortable bed with cold rails somewhere with super noisy surroundings but in the comfort of my own home

Which for me is still a little bit better just being in a space that for me is more normal around things that make just a little more happy because it's about quality of life you know

There are sometimes though for me when going through this gets to be alot for me and very lonely and "hell" just honestly sounds like another word for my vessel

But I mean what more can I do when I'm already doing my best ? it's never a feeling that really goes away but I just try to learn to cope

And the best that I think I can do for now is just keep on making sure that I hang in there and if everything's gets too overwhelming for me in the moment I'll just try instead just focusing on one thing at a time

And just keep on trying to wake up everyday and take care of myself and then after today I can focus on tomorrow

[intro-blog]

I've been curiously exposed to a few interactions with plots about movie writers. writers. screen writers. Is it a sign? I don't believe in coincidences. To me, everything happens for a reason. Like the script is being written every breath I take. As if the universe already thought of my life, me breathing and being alive is equivalent to the pen hitting the paper. The fingers click clacking away at a typewriter, keyboard, touch screen. Every minute, from the conscious decisions, to the uncontrollable factors... it's all meant to happen. From the glorious moments, to the painful lessons. From feeling euphoric to feeling my heart rip slowly in two.

Just as I'm writing this... Tony Soprano is talking about not having control over his son knowing he's a mob boss. Implying he was born into it. He gets asked by Dr.Melfi, "Genetic predispositions are only that, predispositions. It's not a destiny written in stone. People have choices. [...] You think that everything that happens is preordained? You don't think that human beings possess free will?" To which Tony asks why he isn't making pots in Peru. Not long ago I saw a video of an arrogant Christian preacher who preys on college students to make himself feel important. At least that's the feeling I get from those videos. A young man not intending to disrespect him told him, "You're only Christian because you were brought up here" This got Mr.Cliffe so upset. He lost his temper, and told the young man he was stupid to assume that. Uhm, so if Tony Soprano would've been born in Peru, would he have still had the opportunity to be raised surrounded by made-men? That's a bit of a stretch. Yes there were Irish, Jews, and even Blacks that were trusted as affiliates of the Mafia... but none actual members. Given that power that Tony seems to be having a problem with his own children seeing. Just like he saw with his father.

So now I ask myself. Was I really meant to live what I have lived? I think so. Do I have control of where I direct my life? To a certain degree I do. I can put in the effort to try to make something happen. Only my surroundings and the time added to that effort can determine if said things will happen. There is a supreme God who sees all. Who controls all. Who allows all to happen. There must be an entity overseeing it all. The poverty, the violence which is a byproduct of people trying to cut corners to get rich fast.

Wow. Yet another scene on a different show where a script/writers is mentioned. What is the universe trying to tell me? To write? To leave a story behind? Perhaps. Perhaps if I continue to write I will find my calling. My answer. My purpose. All the characters so far I've seen on these films are writers who do not end up being successful. Either kill themselves, or engage in risky behaviors. Yet everyone he speaks to when asking for advice is giving him the best suggestions possible.

Uncle Tony angrily tries to wonder what's wrong with Chris, his nephew. "Do you ever think about... You know... [puts a finger gun into to his mouth]" Chris replies, "FUCK NO" "Imagine those fucking losers blowing their brains all over the bathroom."

I have a feeling I should do what Tone Soprano is doing. (I had a bud from High School named Tone Snively, he was a former Jehovah's Witness that was derailing from his social life. Thought of him just now.) Tony Soprano has a thing with wanting to be accepted by his mother. Yet, the whole time she has everything against him. She won't accept him for who he is. And this breaks him. Every little thing she knows about him, she shares with his uncle and breaks his trust. My mother has been breaking my trust. She tells my uncle not only what I tell her. But also what I don't... what I do comes out of her mouth with ease. Tony stopped trusting his mother. I always confided in her. Little did I know that made me a weak man. My arc has flourished, I'm growing a magic bean and reaching to the sky. Climbing on my own is my calling.

I just found it. I found the calling that I was looking for. To be a man. To stop sucking on mom's emotional tit. To live my own life. To no longer confide in her like she raised you to. To grow your own veggies, to raise your own cows. To do things on your own. It's your turn. I just can't help it. Writing is saving me. Writing is helping me grow. I miss her so much. I decided to cut her off for little over the last forty days out of one whole year. I must not be weak. I must be a man. I will be a man. I am a man.

[jongnorp]

WELCOME HOME, LEE HYEON!

You've got the keys, unlock your new world!

NAME. LEE HYEON. DATE OF BIRTH. 20021118. OCCUPATION. MAN RAPPER & VOCALIST OF NEWAVE. NATIONALITY. SOUTH-KOREAN.

FREE FORM.

act 1: mid-2014.

familiarity is defined by ramyeon wrappers strewn across hardwood floors and sticky-notes saying we’ll be home late, so don’t wait up. do the dishes before you go to bed. hyeon thinks he could perfectly forge his mom’s signature if he wanted to, given how she communicates with him more through handwritten notes than she does through speaking. he tests this idea for the first time when his failing math report requires a parental signature; he turns it in a day later and mr. goh doesn’t question it for a second. (“i’ll do better from now on,” hyeon assures time and time again, but the words hold no meaning. he must have some kind of genetic predisposition to falling through on his promises — god knows he isn’t the only member of the lee family who can’t be trusted.)

all in all, it’s fine. life is fine. nothing outright bad happens and the no child left behind policy at his school ensures that even after flunking not one but both semesters, hyeon still moves forward with everyone else and his parents never hear about it. he might tell them, if they asked — just to see if they’d react. if his mom would offer to find a tutor, if his dad would scold him. but he thinks it’s more likely that neither of them would do anything at all and he doesn’t want to watch his words go in one ear and out the other in real-time, so he doesn’t bother.

act 2: late 2016.

there’s a lot to be said about lee hyeon when the most interesting thing in his life is a second-degree burn left by a pot of boiling water. it’s his own fault: he’s standing barefoot in the kitchen, spending another night cooking ramyeon whilst balancing the landline between his ear and shoulder. he’s talking to his friend about some far-fetched idea of becoming rap gods, partners in crime — they’ll call themselves sweendakk and king crab. it isn’t funny in retrospect, but they’re fourteen and stupid, so they’re both laughing until they aren’t. suddenly, hyeon’s cursing under his breath, unsure of what to do as the water scalds half his leg through his jeans and seeps to his feet.

a week later, his mom stands in the dimly illuminated doorframe of his bedroom, looking in at her teenage son who refuses to look back. “i heard about your burn. why didn’t you call me or your father, hyeon? you act like we’re just people you happen to live with instead of your parents,” she says, and hyeon detects some dull concern lurking beneath the surface. a rare display. it pokes at something in his chest and in his throat, makes him feel sentimental and nauseated.

“don’t act like it matters now,” is all he can muster up in response.

he realizes that hostility festers in dim corners and he’s angrier inside than the daylight shows. he asks reddit if making his mom cry means he’s a bad person, and enough people say that his worry is enough to confirm that he isn’t, so he never apologizes.

act 3: late 2018.

he relies on the internet to fill a void. the realization comes too late, when his friends are discussing how fast the channel’s subscriber count is growing and he’s doing everything he can to suppress his grin. truth is, it feels good to be seen by someone other than the same four guys he’s been hanging out with for as long as he can remember; better still when some bullshit rap they put together under the title ‘the minor inconvenience song’ goes viral. their video & recording equipment is subpar at best, and years down the line hyeon will recall his lyrics as lacking tact; but at 17, he’s on top of the world.

confidence gets you far—for hyeon, it gets him through auditions for the third season of high school rapper. it’s the first time he turns his back on his friends, and the first time since the youtube channel’s creation that uploads come to a stand-still.

if you ask him, he has better things to worry about.

act 4: mid-2020.

high school rapper comes & goes; humbled by third place, hyeon has just settled back into the familiarity of skipping class & filming with his friends (now a little different around him, he notices—but they deny any suspicions with such confidence that hyeon ceases his questioning) when he catches wind of some company called canvas labs. a new, innovative label looking for talent; he files them away in the back of his mind as a shit-show waiting to happen.

but it’s funny, the way things work out—still chasing the high he felt when his song went viral & the thrill of being on tv, he’s particularly susceptible to sweet talk. and that’s just what he’s subjected to some summer evening on his way out of a venue in gangnam: the interaction is a blur with hazy remnants of ‘talent like you’, ‘high school rapper performances’, ‘come audition’ and ‘canvas labs’ burning a hole in his subconscious. he doesn’t want to be an idol, really. he’s always talked shit about their insincerity, but now that he’s gotten a taste of the spotlight, it doesn’t seem so bad.

he laughs about the agent with his friends, but he scours the internet for details as soon as he gets home.

within months, he’s a trainee.

act 5: mid-2023.

the practice room bears witness to every ugly moment of hyeon’s journey, so it’s only natural that he’s staring at his sweaty reflection in the mirror when his phone starts dinging. he suspects that it’s his groupmates, but it turns out that it’s an old chatroom he and his high school friends had stopped using years ago. it goes without saying that they’ve only decided to use it again to get his attention, and the messages that roll in confirm his suspicions.

> hey, what’s wrong with lee hyeon??? > but i like you... what a funny song hhaaha > gives me a fucking headache, but i listened for our hyeon > too bad he never reads our texts anymore, right? > ofc he doesn’t, he’s too busy selling his pride for attention > even so, it’s wrong to forget his friends!!!! > hyeon, are you reading? it’s not too late to come back. you don’t really want to be an idol, right?? these songs don’t suit you at all.... think!!! > tbh i didn’t even think he was telling the truth abt training til i read his profile online > i saw that it said he played soccer...... lololol we only played like seven times all throughout high school > ig it’s all he could pull out his ass since he deleted the yt account ^^ maybe he’s embarrassed abt who he really is

is he embarrassed? he figures that he must be by the way each message feels like an ice pick chipping away at his pride. layer by layer, his flaws reveal themselves. he’s hungry for attention, he’s stubborn, he’s shallow, he’s selfish: he detects these hidden call-outs in the messages as they come and he knows that they aren’t trying to hurt him, they’re just trying to get through to him. but he doesn’t want to listen and he doesn’t want to feel guilty, either, so he ignores the bubble at the bottom of the screen telling him multiple people are still typing. he goes to the chatroom settings, clicks leave.

he wonders what kind of conversation will surround the message lee hyeon has left the group.

[pesterloglog]

Rose Lalonde, Dirk Strider

Meat, page 7

ROSE: It’s not so much “what is up” as “what is down,” the answer to which is, proverbially: Me.

ROSE: I mean that both physically and philosophically by the way.

DIRK: You’re down philosophically?

ROSE: Yes.

DIRK: I’m not sure what that actually means.

ROSE: What doesn’t it mean, Dirk.

DIRK: Glad to see that my genetic predisposition for melodrama is still alive and well in my slime-progeny even after all these years.

ROSE: Please don’t interrupt. This is important, and I’ll need all the energy I can spare to sustain even a heavily monologic transmission of the relevant facts.

DIRK: I see. Forgive my brief, casual interjection into the conversation you initiated. Please continue.

ROSE: Thank you.

ROSE: Anyway, the matter at hand is my “condition,” with which you’re already familiar.

ROSE: I’ve struggled to devise the right way of telling you without causing undue alarm, which would unquestionably trigger the overbearing tendency of yours to “solve the problem” for me, which is not the kind of circumstance my constitution can withstand these days.

ROSE: I can barely lift a wrist to my forehead to telegraph my infirmity, of late. Your bullshit is precisely the thousand-pound feather that could knock me clean through my apartment’s plate glass window.

DIRK: This is troubling to hear, of course. But rest assured, I’m taking solace in the fact that your infirmity doesn’t seem to have spread to your vocal cords yet.

ROSE: See, Dirk? This is exactly the shit I don’t need from you on this day.

DIRK: Sorry.

ROSE: The bottom line is this.

ROSE: I am ascending, and it is terrible.

ROSE: Years of refining my Seer of Light powers have cursed me with what is approaching near infinite prescience. Dwelling in this idyllic post-canon realm has worn down the barriers separating my primary consciousness from the memories and experiences of all my doomed alternate selves, which were forgotten and discarded over the due course of our journey.

ROSE: As I approach the realization of my Ultimate Self, I cannot stop the extant knowledge from seeping in. I am plagued by near constant visions from the less fortunate versions of myself, as well as a broadening view of the metatextual nature of our existence.

ROSE: Day by day I get closer to comprehending the full picture of the narrative.

ROSE: However, I am still trapped in this limited body. There is only so much strain that my very finite synapses can take.

ROSE: It drains all of my energy to keep my consciousness focused on relevant events, but even then I am losing my ability to discern what is and is not canonically relevant, let alone what is also true or essential.

ROSE: And all of this is making me incredibly fucking sick.

DIRK: Oh. Is that all?

ROSE: ...

DIRK: Well, in the spirit of full disclosure,

DIRK: Same.

ROSE: Really?

ROSE: That’s the hottest take you can manage?

DIRK: Of course not. They haven’t built the vessel yet that can withstand the temperatures of atmospheric entry into one of my hotter takes, let alone the hottest.

DIRK: It wasn’t a take. It was an empathetic admission toward my pitiable, similarly omniscience-stricken offspring.

DIRK: We are suffering from the same condition, Rose.

ROSE: We are?

DIRK: Sure.

ROSE: It doesn’t sound to me like you’re suffering much at all.

DIRK: Well, I’m not.

DIRK: I guess I used the wrong phrase. You are suffering from it. I am adapting to it.

DIRK: I already have, really.

ROSE: When were you going to tell me this?

DIRK: When you were ready.

ROSE: So you have determined that I’m ready to receive this rather critical piece of information now, of all times?

ROSE: What distinguishes the present from the other moments you could have mentioned it?

ROSE: Were you waiting for the effects of my condition to become so unendurable that I finally felt the need to explain what was happening to me in full?

ROSE: Were you, in essence, waiting for a cry for help?

DIRK: Wow. Well, when you put it that way, it makes me sound like kind of a dick.

DIRK: But I guess it isn’t far from the truth, either.

ROSE: Unbelievable.

DIRK: Look, it’s not something you just spring on people that frivolously.

DIRK: “Hey folks, just so you know, the boundaries of my awareness are coming apart, and now I know almost everything, about everyone, everywhere.”

DIRK: “Also, the process should be tearing my body apart, but actually I’m handling it quite well. Thanks for the concern though.”

DIRK: “Anyway, just thought I’d keep y’all fuckin’ abreast. On my incomprehensible brain and all. Peace.”

ROSE: Fine. You’re a cagey guy. This isn’t breaking news.

ROSE: I’m not pissed at you, I’m just...

ROSE: So confused.

ROSE: Why aren’t you suffering the same effects as me?

DIRK: There will be time to explain all this.

DIRK: Despite whatever appearance of callousness I’ve maintained in withholding this information from you, I actually do have your best interests in mind. I don’t want to wear you out on this call.

DIRK: There’s so much more to say, but it can wait.

DIRK: For now, I’ll just mention that I’ve been alert to your problem for some time, and I’ve been devising a solution which should permanently remedy it without compromising the boon of your expanding consciousness.

ROSE: You have?

ROSE: What is it?

DIRK: Would love to tell you, but I’ve got some work to do. Why don’t you stop by my studio later so we can hash this shit out in person.

DIRK: Right now, you should get some rest.

ROSE: Actually, I’m feeling oddly invigorated suddenly. I think I’m good for more exposition, if you are.

DIRK: Can’t say I’m surprised. But no.

ROSE: Have I caught you at a bad time?

DIRK: Nah, but there is an election coming up, and my work as a political operative is going to be absolutely essential for the fate of humanity.

ROSE: I see. Wheels within wheels, I assume?

DIRK: There are always wheels. Wheels are everywhere.

DIRK: They aren’t my wheels or yours. The wheels don’t have owners or designers, but they do have caretakers.

DIRK: They won’t keep turning on their own without someone to grease the mechanism.

ROSE: What a burden it must be, to recognize oneself as the sole machinist of reality itself.

DIRK: It’s a curse, but somebody’s gotta do it.

DIRK: Save your strength. Come to my studio when you’re feeling up to it.

DIRK: Goodbye.

[kropotkins-revenge]

You think you're better than other people because you make different choices than they do. One person chooses to drop their trash on the ground, and you choose to hold onto yours until you find a trash can, because you're better than that. One person chooses to use heroin, and you choose not to, because you're better than that. One person chooses to have sex with dozens of people, and you choose not to, because you're better than that.

Your first mistake is assuming that every action is a choice, and every circumstance is a direct result of those choices. We could go over thousands of examples of why that's not true at all, how an awful lot of things just happen to people through no fault of their own, but for now let's pretend you're right.

We all make the choices we do because of who we are. You think you make better choices because of who you are, that in the same shoes as someone else, you'd make better choices; but who are you? Who is anyone else?

Who we are isn't some identity we're born with. In any given moment, we are the product of a few genetic traits, the environment we were raised in, the ideas we've been exposed to, the things we've experienced. It's why there are things in all our pasts that we'd do differently now. We're ultimately the same person, but who that person is has changed.

So you see someone addicted to drugs, and you think, "If I were in their shoes, I wouldn't have chosen to try drugs in the first place, so I never would've gotten addicted." But is that really the choice you would've made in their *exact* shoes? Or is that the choice you, as the culmination of your genetics, upbringing, exposure, and all your experiences, would have made if you were put, as you are now, in the same moment that they first decided to get high?

Have you considered what genetic predispositions they were born with? Have you considered the way they were raised - their parents' social, political, economic views, their income bracket, the culture they were born into? Have you considered the schools they went to, the population of the towns they've lived in, the breadth of ideas they have and haven't been exposed to? Have you considered every single thing they've ever experienced, good and bad, and how it informed the way they make decisions - or even their ability to make decisions at all?

Have you considered whether their parents were also addicts, and the idea was normalized or even glorified for them for their entire lives? Have you considered whether they grew up in an isolated community with limited exposure to views like yours? Have you considered the difference in cultural views on asking for help? Have you considered whether their parents had to work long hours, making their main influences as a child the other kids and families in their neighborhood, and what that neighborhood was like, and what each family they spent time with was like? Have you considered whether they suffer from genetic mental illnesses like chronic depression, BPD, schizophrenia? Neurodivergence?

Have you considered whether they were abused as a child - or as an adult? Have you considered how many horrible things happen to people every day? Have you considered how PTSD literally rewires a person's brain to make it harder to make wise decisions, and how every case of that is different?

To put ourselves in someone else's shoes requires us to take *all* of this into account. Because if a person first tried heroin at a party in high school, and you think back to who you were in high school, and you know for a fact that you wouldn't have even *been* at a party like that, and if someone offered you heroin you'd spit in their eye, then you're probably right; but if you consider who you would've been in high school if your parents were completely different, if you'd spent years of your life being abused by a trusted family member or family friend, if you were born predisposed to depression, if you were twelve years old and watched someone die, if everyone you were close to as a child told you that asking for help is a sign of weakness and you should never admit that you're having a hard time - and you consider what effect any one of those things would have on the way you see the world and the way you make decisions, then you have to admit the likelihood that in their position, you'd actually have done exactly the same thing.

You have to understand that if you were actually *entirely* in another person's shoes, in every way, then you would almost definitely make the exact same choices they made, for the exact same reason. Because that's what you don't see when you put yourself *as you are* in someone else's shoes: all of us, when we make a decision, it's for a reason. Maybe we don't fully understand in the moment what that reason is, but it's there. We all make the best choices we're able to make in a situation - that's the only true universal aspect of human nature. We're all doing our best, and what we decide to do is informed by the shallowest *and* the most unseen aspects of how we see the world, and we all see the world differently, so our bests are all different.

So when you see someone doing something that you think is stupid, or wrong, or selfish, or evil, I challenge you: instead of insulting, judging, thinking you're better than them, consider that we all make the best decisions we can and take sixty seconds to consider *why* they're behaving that way, what could have happened in their life to give them a worldview that makes that behavior seem like the best decision. Take into account genetics, upbringing, exposure, and experience - and be flattering and generous; don't use these lenses to make more creative insults. Be compassionate. Assume the very best. Do that for sixty seconds before you react to what they're doing.

I think you'll notice a change in your own behavior, and I think suddenly a lot more people will be given opportunities and help to improve.

[libbee]

What is karma really?

What do you think is "Karma"? I read that it is only an enlightened being who can tell what karma is, what actions have consequences, what is good and bad karma.

I personally think that karma means cause and consequence. Don't get too caught up in terminology like "action, consequence, revenge, good, bad, etc" though. Language has limitations. The answer lies in what cannot be written and codified. That's all I know about karma.

In my life, I faced more karmic consequences in mental and emotional realm than physical. Of course, my life was full of unexpected, sudden, unforeseen, unpredictable, unknown events one after another, but I was more distressed by my mental health and emotional reactions. I didnt know how to handle my life, how to control my emotions, how to handle the life situations.

Everything I said and did would cause more harm than good. I was called dramatic, drama queen, problematic and I didnt even know why. I was extra and extreme. Not to defend myself but it was not my fault. I was working on primitive mode with fight and flight reactions and neurotic temperament. I believe that my old personality was the worst karmic lesson I faced.

So many people suffer with life problems but they pull through it because of will power, determination, optimism, good decision making skills and self confidence. Whereas I was the complete opposite of all this. I was damsel in distress. Rather than facing my problems I would wait for the rescue. This was the second karmic lesson I learned.

Not everyone is destined to have similar love life. I watched garbage media and learned relationship tips that were total loss. After my 8th house synastry obsession, I had to unlearn everything that was wrong and relearn everything that is right. It does not happen with everyone though. Many people continue to live their default personality without changing themselves. This was my third karmic lesson.

My inner voice, cognitive distortions, inflated ego, thin emotional skin, attention seeking were causing so many problems in my life. I spent a lot of time daydreaming narcissistic fantasies for status power love intelligence. It was so silly. It was such a karmic lesson as well.

So, I believe that in my life, whatever karma I carried from my past lives, whatever consciousness I carried and whatever genetic predisposition I was born with were all karmic. By changing myself, I have balanced my karma.

[quirkypossum]

I know literally no one is asking this but I need to put my thoughts out there for some Gravity Falls details since I'm rewatching it. Word things and spoilers ahead if you haven't watched all the way through.

Okay so in my rewatching, I have come to really appreciate the Stans. I know, shocking. But as I'm getting basic info on them and the kiddos for a fic I noticed that a ton of the art done of them has some features that don't exactly make sense. Not to mention the amount of people who don't understand how the two different types of twins work. So for my own sanity and to make my thoughts into words, these are my headcanons and reasoning.

Starting with the twins thing. Identical twins only happen if one egg splits into two zygotes. They are by definition identical in every way including biological sex. There is no genetic predisposition to having identical twins. In other words it cant run in families.

Fraternal twins on the other hand can to an extent. They happen when the ovaries release two eggs and both are fertilized at the same time. These individuals can look completely different from each other or very similar but are not identical. Because some people are more likely to release two eggs per cycle, fraternal twins can run in families to an extent.

Going with this I'll start with the Stans. The wiki states that while they both look very alike, they have key differences. Obviously, Ford has the extra finger on each hand and Stan doesn't. But the wiki also states that Ford has blue eyes (citing the dream Ford has in The Last Mabelcorn as proof of this) and Alex has confirmed that Stan has brown eyes along with the wiki. There are a few other differences as well but what I'm getting at is, they can't be identical twins. I've seen a ton of art of these two that has them both with brown eyes and it just rubs me the wrong way due to the above, especially when people say that the wiki is wrong because they're identical. Now I did see someone talk about the aforementioned dream sequence and their headcanon that it wasn't Ford's own eye he sees, but Fiddleford's which I think is neat as a writer as it makes the dream more heavy hitting but I personally side with the wiki. In conclusion the Stans are fraternal twins.

Now the kiddos. These two are both easier and harder to identify. If we go with my personal headcanons that Dipper is trans then they very well could be identical. If not and we go with the canon, they would have to be fraternal because identical twins cant have different biological sexes. Again, Alex confirmed that the twins have brown eyes and overall they look pretty identical apart from Dipper's birthmark. I'm going to safely go with fraternal, even with my trans headcanon because of the twins running in their family and the birthmark specifically.

I honestly dont know why I'm justifying my headcanons to the Internet right now but whatever. I just liked the idea of Ford having blue eyes and it turned into an analysis lmao. Anyway. If you read all this i hope you either learned something about twins or my mental state and that you have a good day or whatever✨✨✨✨

[notanotherinfjblog]

Hi, when our cognitive functions become what they are? Do you have any opinions about it? Was there any research done into it, that you know of? My guess would be: early childhood, but I'm not sure. Another question related to it: if it happens in early childhood, what might be influencing our preference of "choosing" the particular functions? Imitation of the parental figures or rather trauma? Maybe Both? Maybe something else? Maybe it differs for Introverts and Extraverts? Any thoughts?

Interesting questions! The only proper research that I know of was done by Dario Nardi who used EEG to analyse activation patterns of certain regions in the neocortex of the brain and he found that the eight cognitive functions basically represent a specific kind of such an activation pattern. I do recommend looking into his research.

That leads me to believe that we actually don't choose our particular functions. I think it's most likely a genetic disposition. We are born with a brain that is wired a certain way. Even though the brain is plastic, which means that it's able to change (i.e. open new pathways between two regions, strengthening a skill, losing a skill, etc.), I doubt that someone with a predisposition of becoming an Se-dom could turn out to become an Ne-dom in reality. I've worked in a babylab before where we tested infants on their cognitive abilities and when interacting with these really small children that were all exactly the same age (with a tiny range of just 2 weeks), I always found it fascinating how differently each of them reacted to everything. Sometimes we'd test 7 babies on the same day one after the other and at 9 months of age, they already displayed vast differences in their personality and their approach to processing the world. There were those that had to touch everything, look at everything and never sat still. But there was also one who just quietly sat there, hardly moving, observing us people really closely, but didn't really care much about anything else. I'm only guessing here, but I do believe that this very first style of approach is the work of the developing dominant function.

I also always find it interesting to look at families here because I don't think I've ever seen two members of a nuclear family share the same MBTI type, but particularly siblings are typically, not always, but typically relatively closely related types. If we take my own family as an example, we get an INTP father and an ESFJ mother with an INTJ and an INFJ child. That's three intuitives, two of them NTs and two Ni-doms, and also two FJs. Note that neither of our parents actually has Ni in their functions stack, so I very much doubt that it's a thing of parental imitation as a factor. And thinking about all the people who are at odds with their parents (abusive relationships aside, just difficult relationships in general), the difficulties often stem from both parties not understanding each other's thought processes. Nothing either of them does makes any sense to the other and so all decisions either of them makes seem wrong to the other because they really just don't understand the thought process behind it. But this is partly where exposure comes in. Let's just call it nurture. If our own type is determined by nature, then the way we relate to other people is determined by both nature and nurture. It's easy for an ISFP to relate to an ESFP because they are similar types (nature). Yet over time, we may develop a bias for what kinds of functions we subconsciously look for in other people. For example, my ESFJ mother first married an INTP, then an ISTP, both Ti-doms while Ti is her weakest function. Subconsciously, she was looking for someone to compensate for her weakness. But lifelong experiences with people of a certain group (e.g. TJs) may make us appreciate them more and make us get along with them better than other types because we've learned to understand the workings of their stronger functions (Te in this case) even if we don't share them with them (nurture).

So we may not have any say in how our brain is built and thus can't have any preferences to determine our own functions, we can in fact develop preferences for functions in other people that we want to surround ourselves with. The same can be said about which art we like ("art" referring here to paintings, books, music, films etc.). For instance, I know that I'm heavily biased towards Fe and I do notice in myself that I almost exclusively enjoy stories created by people with Fe somewhere in their stack, particularly ENTPs, while stories created by NTJs make me greatly uncomfortable because I appreciate the Ni undertones, but the entire thing has a Te twist to it that deeply unsettles me, and stories by FPs often make little sense to me. These are some preferences that I believe to be a result of both nature and nurture. I actually have more to say about the relationship between creating art and MBTI, but I'll save that for another day.

Concerning your question of when the functions develop, it's commonly said that they properly develop one after the other. So we develop our dominant function from birth on and the auxiliary pops up a while later and develops in tandem, though lagging behind the dominant one. But the older we get, the more secure we become in our usage of our weaker functions as well. Interestingly, I remember Dario Nardi mentioning in his book ("Neuroscience of Personality") that he chose to only examine subjects between the ages of 18 and 25 in his study because people older than that might be either too specialised in certain functions or too flexible in their functions use that the EEG results could be less clear than in youth.

[tcookies]

Does anyone (with experience) know how to calm down or help a paranoid schizophrenic when they're having a psychotic episode? I'm very desperate to help my brother.

My brother is 26 and just had his first episode of psychosis. He was already suffering from severe anxiety (which he was given meds for in the past 2 months), but he suddenly just... had a psychotic break. My family and I already strongly suspect he has schizophrenia (with paranoia) because of a genetic predisposition through my father's identical twin brother, but we still need to take him to see a psychiatrist for an official diagnosis. However, he already strongly displays all the symptoms of schizophrenia including psychosis.

My brother's first episode was very dangerous. It happened at 4am - he could not sleep and started screaming at the top of his lungs for the voices to shut up. Then he started having violent delusions and hallucinations (both visual and auditory) including hallucinations of angels talking and rubbing adhesive all over him (which understandably upset him badly). He was so scared (and even scared of me) and ended up sprinting out of the house with no shoes on and only in pajamas, and ran through the neighborhood at 4am in the utter dark. My family was not prepared for this and I gave chase to make sure he did not get hit by a car or hurt himself (I don't know if that was the right decision? If I exacerbated his paranoia by running after him?). I lost sight of him and just as we were about to call the police, he returned, somewhat lucid but with a sprained leg.

We coaxed him back to bed and I spent the night playing music from his favorite cartoons to bring him comfort. The next day, he was still out of it and regarding everything and everyone with suspicion. He refuses to eat, take his medication, bathe/brush teeth, or sleep, or just... do anything. He lies on the couch and I try to keep him calm by playing lullaby music all day. After his first episode, he's already been expressing thoughts of worthlessness which I read online is a sign of suicidal thinking. We're planning to take him to the hospital asap but I'm worried they won't be able to do much for him.

Does sprinting out of the house, barefoot at 4am and jumping over a sharp iron gate (which I cut myself badly climbing after him) count as a danger to himself? And how can my family and I help him through his next episode when he listens to nobody but the voices? When he refuses to eat, sleep, and take his meds? It doesn't sit right with me to just stand there and watch him suffer through his psychosis, but I literally don't know what to do when he has an aggressive episode and is screaming loud enough to wake the neighborhood. He doesn't like to be touched during his episode (which we figured out the hard way when he shoved Dad away) and when he asks us questions (i.e " who are you?"), he doesn't believe our answers and accuses us of lying (which worsens his suspicions).

So if we can't touch or talk to him, then what can we do when he's having an episode???

I'm completely at a loss here because my brother's only had his first episode just recently (and I'm still not sure what exactly triggered it), so I'm still learning all of this. We were already planning to take him to a psychiatrist even before his first episode but it'll take a little over a month for his first appointment and he's progressively getting worse by the day. We cannot afford to wait for over a month and it's the 2nd day of monitoring him 24/7 since his episode and my parents (both elderly) are already feeling burnt out while I'm struggling to balance school and helping to look after him.

Any advice, tips, or resources would be much appreciated, and please feel free to message me.