#Yes I reserved my first post of the year for this motherfucker

[grimgrinningghoul]

Bad Cop

[blood-mocha-latte]

luztoye love languages - please give me in depth thoughts

>:)

i have soooo many thoughts on this and you are about to hear them. all. im breaking my knuckles and getting into this. all Love Languages Ranked In Order Of Strength. Luztoye Version <3

5 - words of affirmation:

first, with nicknames. toye tends to swing towards more traditional nicknames (sweetheart, beautiful, etc) and uses them pretty often

he feels like he's not exactly Great with talking, so putting what he can into words through nicknames is his best way to show luz what he's thinking without him becoming overly defensive

luz is. all over the map with nicknames. he ranges from the good ol' fashioned ‘no homo’ names (buddy/pal/etc) to the most unhinged nicknames he can think of (i.e. pillowcase) to Normal Nicknames. toye literally could not gaf less

ok and i mean like look. as far as weaknesses go, i think they're p far up there on the communication scale. these motherfuckers don't talk. u know that bit in himym where robin and barney never talk about their problems and instead just Fuck. bc that's what they do

4 - receiving gifts:

look. gift giving rarely crosses their minds. not because they don't care about it, but because they genuinely just don't think of it

when two people are in the same vicinity a lot/work together/are never separated - like in the army - there isn't a lot of room for grand gestures and gift giving and the likes

they settle into giving each other small things on holidays/birthdays (cigarettes, ticket stubs, etc) but it hardly matters whether or not someone says something or gives them something

3 - quality time:

melds into the above. they spend so much time together no matter where they are (from proximity in the army to post-war living together) that everything they do is in a love language, in a way

they'd watch a lot of movies. luz is literally obsessed with funny face when it comes out and has seen the gay divorcee Too Many Times. toye's favorite is you were never lovelier, he can quote most of the scenes. yes these are all fred astaire movies shh

they're the same way with music. they don't have a lot of money after the war, and what they can save goes into a turntable and whatever vinyls they can find.

it's mostly billie holliday (obviously). but there's a lot of duke ellington in there as well, and, later on, a bunch of eartha kitt.

2 - acts of service:

luz really, really likes working with his hands. he's obsessed with fixing things, and oftentimes, it's things that weren't even broken.

when he's stressed out, he tends to tear apart whatever he can find (the sink, the fridge, etc) and then trying to put it back together

this often translates into him subconsiously doing whatever he can to 'fix' toye

he doesn't even realize that he's doing it, really. toye does, but doesn't say anything, because he knows it's how luz finds whatever equilibrium he's working with

the general rule is that luz is able to fuck around with anything of toye's except for the crutches, the leg, or the chair. everything else is fair game

it almost is a game, at this point - the best way to tell what kind of day luz is having is by looking at the state of Disarray around the apartment

toye doesn't say anything about it, and it's often put back together the next day. when it's not, he puts it back together himself

1 - physical touch:

number one for luztoye always and forever for One Million Years. they r touchy, your honor.

most of their touches are small - hands on knees/shoulders, brushing along the backs of necks, etc. they're much more reserved in public, but those stick with them

i've included it in literally every single one of my luztoye wips, but toye is definitely the type of person to be like. Crush My Soul Back Into My Body.

luz is just genuinely a touchy person, all the time, and he tends to be uber touchy with toye. like a fucking octopus.

i could go nsfw sooooo quickly but like. i shall Withold and instead just say. i have Too Many Thoughts on this

thank you sooo much for the ask bestie! i truly had the greatest time contemplating this <33

[writing-for-me-at-this-point]

ii. Fun Facts About The Cast | Actor Au | Obey Me

Request: Its not, I love this AU tho

Word Count: 2303 words

Page Count: 6.5 pages

A.N. Hope you guys all like this! Fun facts about the cast lmao

[ Actor AU Masterlist ]

Fun Facts

Benjamin ( Lucifer )

- Is the dad of the cast.

- In any scenes with Dmitri ( Luke ), he makes sure to know if he is alright, and often will stop scenes to ask.

- He also is an overall joker, so he has trouble filming most of his scenes, will often start laughing in the middle of filming and can break character the easiest.

- Best with kids overall, probably due to having his own, keeps their lives private tho.

- His hair was white for a past show, but the directors liked the look, so that's why he has white tips.

- One of the few male characters who cannot do those diets to accentuate his abs- so that's why his character is always covered up.

- He's in shape! But, he likes the fat that protects his muscle, he says he needs to stay soft to hug his kids.

- Known diabetic, so there's a table full of foods so his sugars are stable, the cast has glucagon shots all over the sets to be safe.

- Is in his early thirties, but people say he can pull off early twenties- he just snorts at this.

Avery ( Mammon ) 

- Takes the job seriously, and his scenes are easiest to film.

- Dark humor and often is the "Lucifer" of the cast.

- Seeing him switch from Avery to Mammon leaves the rest of the cast and crew fucking s h o o k.

- Will always be seen looking his finest.

- No, no one has seen him in public in sweatpants or anything like that. His image is very serious.

- Is a sweetheart when with the rest of the cast tho.

- His eyes are actually that blue.

- No one is sure if his hair is actually white or not, the way he speaks about it is vague, and fans are always theorizing.

- Watching over Benji ( Lucifer ), and is usually the one to tell him to check his sugars, since the other is quite forgetful.

- Is an immigrant from Turkey, so he has an accent, makes people thirst for him more.

- Helps aspiring actors and directors get into the field, and goes on hard work and talent, not who tries to pay him off.

Jackson ( Leviathan )

- Is the resident fuckboi.

- Always with males and females hanging off him, at this point the pop gave up, no- they aren't his partner.

- Flexes a shit ton.

- Wearing chains, a Rolex, and anything designer.

- Donates half of his salary to ocean reserves and protection funds, he has the money for it, and the show pays him well.

- Always at the beach, or near lake houses and shit, the one ( 1 ) thing he likes about his character.

- Hates the fringe he wears with a passion.

- His hair is actually a light shade of brown, his eyes are a darker shade, but still pretty light.

- First generation, his parents are Korean, so you can pick up hints of their accent in his speech patterns. Gets heavy when he's sleepy. 

Ross ( Satan )

- Is a stoner.

- Goes on Instagram lives with either MC and gets high, talking about the dumbest shit or he's alone in his room and his cats join in.

- "So, if you think about- oH MY GOD PRINCESS. YES, COME TO DADDY."

- Has a kitten curled up on him, purrs loud as hell because mf is so warm, and the lives turn into purring ASMR sessions.

- Into self care, has a line of vitamins, face masks, and everything you can think of.

- Calls his fans his SaStans.

- Dmitri ( Luke ) is his younger brother.

- Will never let him out of his sight, and they love to be as mean as they can to each other, they love each other but love to bully one another.

- Is from the Bronx, so his accent is what Avery ( Mammon ) mimics for his character, often just records Avery's lines and sends them to him so he can practice.

- Owns an animal shelter he funds.

- "Carol Baskin? Who's that?"

- The REAL tiger king.

- Gets all his cats dyed to look like tigers.

Micheal ( Asmodeus )

- Chill as fuck.

- Has like 5+ kids, so the role fits him perfectly, and now it's an on running joke among fans that they are all his illegitimate children.

- You know why Asmodeus on the show wears so much makeup? 

- His eldest daughter is one of the makeup artists, and she loves to try new looks on him, and the producers think it would fit the character well.

- People speculate his age, looks young but is in his late 30's.

- His first child was born when he was 16, so he likes to support safe heavens and things like that for struggling youths- from being kicked out to needing assistance with mental health.

- Tired af.

- Always in sweatpants, him and Ross ( Satan ) are the trademark bums of the cast.

- Thinks it would be hilarious that when Micheal is revealed, in the show, that he plays the character.

- Is a writer as well, TSL is a real series and he writes it, so they let him use it in the show.

- Vlogs in his car, in a Wendy's parking lot, eating a shit ton of food and talking about the most random shit.

- Half asleep in all interviews, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, it's gotten to the point where everyone memes it too.

James ( Beelzebub )

- Himbo.

- One of the few cast members closest to their character.

- Absolute sweetheart.

- He's 20 years old.

- But how is he so fucking big???

- Comes from a big ass family, the middle child, he's baby 4 out of 9.

- All his siblings are redheads too.

- Very playful tho, with the cast always going along with his antics, making for the best bloopers.

- The contacts he wears make him blind af, which doesn't help since he's so tall, and will bump his head on the doorways and such.

- Can speak Scottish-Gaelic, and even has an accent to top it off.

- He is an absolute unit, and one of the characters who does the stupid diet to show off his form.

- Literally on the verge of passing out sometimes, so he needs to rest with Benjamin ( Lucifer ).

- All pictures, shirtless scenes, and such are filmed first so he can rest after and go back to a normal diet.

- Quiet guy, but loves talking about sports and his siblings tho.

- Is always carrying MC and Dmitri ( Luke ) around, now there are many off-guard photos posted to the casts shared twitter+instagram accounts

- Still pretty new to acting, but is amazing at emotional scenes, to the point fans actually think he's having a breakdown.

- Nah, he's just thinking about being alone, without his family- and it gets him bawling for said scenes.

Conner ( Belphegor )

- Crackhead 

- Will not stay still, either for filming or just when everyone is chilling.

- Scenes where he's asleep? He's usually turned away from the camera, cause the idiot is smiling and giggling.

- Has tripped over his tail multiple times.

- Comes from a farm-life, literal cowboy, his southern accent just hits hard.

- He hides it very well, but it comes out at times or with certain words.

- Sees Benjamin ( Lucifer ) as a mentor, he's in his early twenties and new to the scene, but they are best friends.

- Benjamin ( Lucifer ) has now acquired a new child.

- A living meme.

- You know how Tom Holland can't keep a secret?

- Yeah, he's worse.

- Rest of the cast have all had to physically stop him from talking at one point.

- The cow pillow? It's actually his, when he got the role his father has sewn it himself, so he will bring it with him.

- It's basically free promo for the show and comforts him in the city space.

- Gets overwhelmed in large crowds, so he usually makes sure to have another cast member close by, or he will literally leave to a less crowded place to take a breath.

- Apologized to MC after the scene in which he kills them.

- His mama raised him right, so he takes MC to his house for a movie, in which they cuddle and relax for the night.

- Felt really bad for like... a whole week.

- "Country boy I love you~"

Thomas ( Barbatos )

- Brat.

- This is one cocky man, he's smooth as hell, and one whisper can make you weak in the knees.

- Grew out the one side of his hair, but he slicks his hair back or will pin it back, dyes it himself when it's time to film.

- Loves to piss Alex ( Simeon ) off.

- Has a true crime podcast with Roman ( Diavolo ), Alex ( Simeon ), and Benjamin ( Lucifer ), because they're all old friends.

- Donates to the cold case foundation because he knows what it's like to lose someone and not know what happened to them.

- He has a twin who is his stunt double, they love to fuck with the rest of the cast, both of them are little shits.

- Is the motherfucker who makes a channel and reads the crackhead fanfics

- Loves every word of it tho.

- Responds to every fans dms. Every. One. As a whole account for this shit.

- Walks with a bit of a limp, so he wears a brace to help even himself, but during wide-shot scenes you can catch it sometimes.

- Took actual classes to be a butler for the role.

Roman ( Diavolo )

- Himbo 2.0

- Catch this man tweeting what he's trying to search up at 2 in the morning.

- Leaves them because it's hilarious, makes videos where he reads them out sometimes, it's all in good fun.

- He has a set of triplets at home, so that dad energy radiates into the show too.

- You know how Diavolo seems sus at points of the game? Yeah, he's still like that IRL.

- The rest of the cast was put off at first, but that's how he is, and everyone eased up pretty quickly.

- Makes jokes that he has family in the Italian mob, but needed to stop once his father called him, saying that there were too many eyes on the family now.

- Man was s h o o k.

- Has sensitive skin, so all his makeup and body paints need to be specially made, made with all natural products.

- The bags under his eyes are baby bags.

- Will bring his kids on set, to which everyone will gush over, and watch them when they aren't filming.

- Very private with his kids ( to the public ), doesn't post about them much, and only the cast really sees them.

- Wine dad.

- Catch him bringing the whole cast out for "family trips"

- People nicknamed him Caesar

- So many JoJo references now

- "SHHHHIIIIIZZZAAAAAAAA"

- "Please, no."

Dmitri ( Luke )

- Is actually 12.

- Quotes vines, tiktoks, and other memes.

- Is one of the few people that Alex ( Simeon ) is openly nice too.

- Also has an accent, but since he's young and is learning, can now mimic every other cast member's accent.

- Wear earplugs for certain scenes, because of how raunchy and dark the scenes can get, so Simeon and Barbatos are always conveniently in the way, hiding the plugs.

- Is Ross' ( Satan ) younger brother, and if he isn't hanging off of him he's with James ( Beelzebub ), Benjamin ( Lucifer ), or MC.

- They know there are some sick fucks in Hollywood so he has an adult with him at all times.

- Posts pictures of him cuddling up to his brother and the kittens, new foods he is trying, and some pictures with family.

- He often is considered the new Gordon Ramsay.

- Had a collaboration with him.

- It was amazing.

- Best boy, catch him taking a nap in his ( and Ross' ) trailer, surrounded by tiger kittens.

- The TIGER PRINCE.

Alex ( Simeon )

- Avatar of wrath who?

- The embodiment of "No talk me, I angy"

- Jkjk, though he does have a temper, he only loses it with Benjamin ( Lucifer ), Roman ( Diavolo ), and Thomas ( Barbatos ).

- A sweetheart with all children though, like you know Simeon on the show? 

- Yeah, he's only like that with kids.

- And respectable adults.

- Mama raised him well 2.0

- Grew up in NY

- Born in Gucci and Balenciaga.

- Was a child model and slowly expanded to acting.

- Dark humor galore.

- If Simeon met Alex, he'd probably have a stroke, cause THOSE WORDS are coming out of HIS mouth.

- Says the weirdest shit too.

- "Put your hand on my ass and call me a virgin."

- Bro are you okay???

- He is fluent in five languages and has a high IQ.

- Speaks: English, French, Italian, Arabic, and Mandarin

- Has a support system for children who struggle to learn conventionally, with trained tutors who are affordable, he knows what it's like to need certain needs met to learn, and he wants every kid to get that chance.

- Rough around the edges but has a heart of gold.

Derek ( Solomon )

- Loves to smoke with Ross ( Satan )

- He is more aloof than chill.

- One of the more awkward members, doesn't know how to socialize well, and is very shy.

- Watch out for Dmitri ( Luke ) on the down low.

- Didn't have the best life growing up, so he is a lot more street smart than book smart.

- Doesn't have a big social media influence.

- Very nice to fans, gives full hugs to them, and everyone feels so appreciated.

- Has a husky named Blue.

- Also has an owl, who he took in when he found it on his porch with a broken wing, and nursed it to health.

- He set it free, but she comes back often, and has a nest in the tree closest to his house.

- Named her Lovely.

- Animal person, so he helps Ross out with his animal shelters.

- Uses Blue as a living pillow, and only sleeps in his boxers when Blue is on his bed, because goddamn does that dog radiate heat.

- Him and MC live together, having grown up together, and made their livings together. 

[themonotonysyndrome]

REDACTED verse - Luriel McBride (OC)

I finally got around to create an OC for the Redacted universe! It only took some stress and anxiety from work to get my ass into writing her. 

A little backstory about this OC. Me and Moon wanted to create our OCs interacting with one another so their names are the first letter of our Discord usernames. 

LadyMonotone = Luriel McBride 

Name: Luriel McBride 

Age: 26 years old

Gender & Pronouns: Female. She/her. 

“Let’s see… I’m a new resident here at Dahlia. Only for a while though. For my final academic coursework, a couple of students and I were transferred to D.A.M.N from Malaysia so we could graduate and earn our magical bachelor degrees. Now that’s a sentence I never imagined saying….

Hmm? What type of Empowered human am I? A Latent Graviton Energetic. 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to graduating without any drama. 

...I hope I didn’t jinx myself.”

Here’s a bit more info about Luriel that I summarised: 

A Leo and born in first of August, 1995

Born, raised and earned her mundane education in Malaysia. But after she unlocked her Latent magic, she enrolled in the local magical university before they transferred her to D.A.M.N to complete her Degree. 

She was 20 years old, hanging out with her little sister and they nearly got into an accident. That’s when she manifested her gravity magic. 

Currently lives in an apartment that’s near the local mall and D.A.M.N

Despite being a student at D.A.M.N, she still kept her job as a copywriter. She’s working remotely and keep close contact with the advertising agency back in her home country. 

And yes, the stress of juggling between being a student and an employee working in a fast-paced industry is something she screams about daily. 

Oldest among her siblings but acts like the youngest. She’s more than happy to let her little sister takes on the role as the big one among them. 

Had a very boring yet loving childhood with awesome yet a bit overprotective parents. Tight relationship with the siblings too. An average student before and even now; grades are never above B+ 

Academic goal in D.A.M.N: Pass instead of excel. 

Personality-wise? A combination of mellow and reserved. Awkward in social situations - so she would rather listen, instead of talking. 

She made a few good friends in Dahlia that taught her how to be friendly, but it’ll take some time for her to truly be comfortable around new faces. So making friends? It’s a work and a half. 

Despite being an introvert, she’s no pushover. She may lack the confidence in the social department, but her parents & siblings taught her how to be a self-assured an open-minded person.

Can also be surprisingly chatty when angry. 

Language spoken: Bahasa Malaysia, English and a bit of Mandarin

Adores romance & horror genres. Especially when they’re combined.

Her music preferences are all over the place - Gothic metal, K-pop, Japanese EDM and alternative R&B. 

Food preferences: Korean BBQ and hotpot dishes (steamboats, claypot rice & sukiyaki)

Dislikes: Compulsory socialising events from D.A.M.N, studying & alcohols. 

Being a Latent Graviton Energetic, she approach magic... differently. 

Look, she consumed a lot of media entertainment growing up; the internet is basically her third parent. So getting a hold over her powers wasn't so difficult once she knew her limits and how to get around it.

 Mastering the basics also helps out a lot and the rest? Creativity and experiences (trials and errors) are her best teachers.

Believes in soulmates but not… the usual kind. In her religion, before we gain our physical forms, we exist as souls and roam around in the spiritual realm. Each one of us have that someone - a particular soul - that we form an intimate bond (lovers, best friends & etc) with before we are sent into this world. Those souls would yearn for the other and seek them out. 

She hopes to find that other soul one day. 

Favourite colours & clothing style: Black as the main palette and accompanied by red, white, purple or pink. Her clothings focus on casual & comfortable. 

Hobbies: Reading & writing fanfictions, napping, listening to ASMR stories & conduct random and stupid experiments with her magic. 

Character alignment: Neutral Good (leaning more to Passively Good) 

Deadly sin that represent her best:  Sloth. If D.A.M.N offered online classes for their courses then you best believe that she’ll never leave her apartment. 

If she could be any animal in the world, she’d be a sea slug. Period. 

Shares a lot of classes with Lovely and have talked to them more than once though they don’t hang out outside of D.A.M.N. She knows about their Vampire boyfriend but has never seen him. 

Some of Luriel’s favourite quote/catchphrase:

Seriously? That’s a thing?/ Are you for real?

I don’t know what I’m doing. 

Uh, excuse me - the fuck?

Motherfucker just unhahaed my post on Discord!

Oh that looks painful… but impressive. Huh. 

That problem is for tomorrow’s Luriel. I’m going to take a nap now. 

Let’s just… take it one crisis at a time.

Most people enjoy their life. Or at least want to see another day. In your case, I’ll assume you don’t. 

-

Ok, so, uh... I don’t have any excuse. I went completely crazy with Luriel. Originally, I wrote Luriel on a google doc so I just pick some of her info and facts and post them here. 

There’s a lot more but for now, I think this is good enough! 

In her next post, I’ll add her interactions and opinions of Dahlia and Redacted’s characters. 

I’m gonna nap now. 

[bbugyu]

:o i dont really know much about mbti types but u seem really knowlegable >.< what about dk's mbti??

oh my god the way i got a boner from being called knowledgeable OK LETS GO I LOVE SEOKMIN SO MUCH

seokmin is an infp, which is the mediator. i actually float between this personality type and infj (the advocate, which is also what wonwoo jihoon and minghao are), so seokmin and i are very similar in a lot of ways - our differences come from our zodiac signs i think ㅠㅠ; infps are actually really rare! yet seventeen has four KDJFSK they value harmony and authenticity and they always have the best intentions - which!!! IS SO SEOKMIN!!!! he will always see the best in people and always act with the best intentions! he is kind to a fault! what a sweet baby.

ok, here’s the breakdown. under the cut. tw seokmin best boy

seokmin is so shy. he doesn’t seem it, because when he’s with svt he goes BUCK FUCKING WILD but in reality he clams up around people he’s not super comfortable around. example: that one picture of him standing with yuju from gfriend where he looks like he’s gonna shit himself kJHFJS or when he was filming his solo parts for the mama performance and he kept saying how nervous he was without the members. he’s super reserved around people he hasn’t known for forever. he even tends to be quiet on variety shows, only really doing his fun comedy bits and talking when other members prompt him (which is almost always jeonghan or seungkwan don’t get me started). infjs (like isfjs) tend to keep a very small group of friends that they are very open and seemingly extroverted with, which is why we get to see seokmin’s genuine personality a lot. he is so fully himself when he is with seventeen and i think that is so beautiful. that being said, infps also are the most social introverts. he makes friends everywhere, and genuinely cares about all of them. his excallibur castmates have said that he was such a bright loving personality on stage and behind the scenes, and he would always visit and support them even after they stopped working together! he went to plays they starred in and posted pictures with them, telling carats to go support them too. you can tell they really appreciated this, because they would return the favor and go to seventeen concerts to cheer him on!

seokmin’s intuition is no joke. he seems a little naive at times, but he is also extremely good at looking at the big picture of a situation and deciding what needs to be done, ie. when they were leaving the venue during ttt he was seemingly the only one that remembered they left a giant mess in the kitchen. that being said, infps skip over details a lot. he also is SO FUNNY like he is genuinely the FUNNIEST MEMBER in my opinion because he just understands every situation so clearly. he’s able to take something a little mundane or whatever and comment on it or react in a way that’s REALLY FUNNY like when they were driving home from ttt and mingyu said he could buy the walnut sweets JFDSKJDSF mingyu wasn’t expecting him to say yes bc they’re such a common treat and seokmin laughed at first but hten immeidately was like “oh actually yes order them” and gyu was like ??? but seokmin kept just saying “stop talking to me order the walnut sweets pls” GODD THEY’RE SO FUNNY i literally cry laugh at shit seokmin does like i don’t know how he does it he’s the funniest motherfucker i’ve ever seen.

he seems like the most understanding member of svt to me. the others are too, ofc, but seokmin’s on another level. infps also feel very deeply and genuinely. as an intuitive personality type, he is immensely empathetic, but not in the same way that jeonghan is. seokmin feels other peoples’ emotions like they’re his own. he sympathizes fully and completely, and i think he tries really hard to internalize that as to not seem so emotional all the time, but as soon as the facade cracks he starts cRYINGGG like he’s a BABY he can’t help it he just FEELS SO MUCHhhh. idk if anyone else notices this but he always repeats what is being said? i find this to be related because he is actively listening, and his way of showing is affirming with short responses every few sentences. he seems like such a good person to go to when you’re struggling and want someone to comiserate with. seungkwan is someone you go to when you need advice, but seokmin is the one you go to when you want to vent, because he’ll immediately match how you’re feeling about the situation and empathize with you.

i think seokmin also tends to take things personally? i think he’s gotten better about this in recent years and instead uses it as a joke, but you can tell it still bothers him sometimes ㅠㅠ like, okay, so seokmin posted that picture for seungkwan’s birthday and said something along the lines of “do you remember when we went out to have fun and fought? sorry i couldn’t be better” etc so in boo’s birthday live he explained the situation because it was resolved nicely. he said that the two of them went kayaking with jeonghan (which, btw, booseokhan are literally married and i am the most spoiled carat ever) and got in a little disagreement about something menial, and seungkwan thought it was resolved quickly, but afterwards jeonghan was driving them and seokmin put on a song and boo was like “oh what kind of song is this?” as a joke, but seokmin took it personally and got sulky. but then him and jeonghan danced to anysong and honestly who can blame them. it seems like every time he gets in a fight with other members, he thinks about how he doesn’t want it to tear them apart, so no matter how mad he is, he tries to find a way to resolve it. like with the gray bag incident JDHFKJHF he said that he thought if he didn’t pick up the bag, mingyu might hit him. he was mad and thought he was in the right, but he didn’t want the argument to escalate, so he did something he didn’t want to end it where it was. also, when jeonghan went live during seokmin’s live, saying “those who want to watch dokyeom watch him, those who want to watch this watch this,” and seokmin got all sulky about carats saying they wanted to see what jeonghan was up to. he laughed and said he was kidding, but then he was like “i’m not fun anyways.” whiCH leads us to...

infps have chronic inferiority complexes, but they aren’t envious people, so it manifests in just being immensely self critical. seokmin genuinely believes he isn’t handsome. or a good singer. like. what the fuck is that all about. i get genuinely angry when i think about this. i could talk about how fucking WRONG he is but this is just supposed to be a personality analysis so i’ll just mention that i talked about why i think he’s the perfect man alive in another ask! check that out if you want JKFHKSDF he always has negative things to say about himself but only positives to say about others. which makes me wanna fight. he also is maybe too idealistic??? like i said before, he will always see the best in other people, and it leads the rest of the members to genuinely worry about him. they’re worried that if they’re not there to take care of him, he’ll end up getting taken advantage of by someone. they don’t want him to get scammed ㅠㅠ

some other aspects of infp personalities that i think suit seokmin well but i’m literally braindead and cannot write more of this: open minded, passionate, determined, and loyal.

i would marry seokmin in an instant.

[honey-makki]

Running to request things from my wife 💕

You choose the alphabet - letters d a i s y with my favorite trainwreck atsumu 🥺

I’m lov u most

i love u w my whole heart i love u so much. u both deserve this man and also so much more. Lemme smooch u

Fluff!

D is for Date: describe an ideal date for them

This man loves to show out. He wants to suit up but he also wants to dress you in the finest silks and jewelry. He is taking you to an expensive ass dinner, somewhere so exclusive that paparazzi will probably wanna take photos. Definition of wine and dine. Orders a bottle of your favorite wine, even if you don’t need a whole bottle because of the atmosphere of just having a whole one. He’s gonna hold you tight when you either head back home or off to a club. Loves to show you off, he’s proud of you and knows just how lucky he is to call you his. He also does love a spa day in the weekend after away games. 

A is for Adventure: something they haven’t done but have always wanted to

I feel like Atsumu has a tattoo somewhere, probably his ribs, but he is terrified of getting a piercing, not that he would admit it. He wants a few ear piercings but doesn’t want to worry about it with regard to volleyball. That’s the reason he tells others but you coaxed it out of him once drunk that he knows it’s gonna hurt really bad and that he’s too embarrassed to cry in a tattoo parlor.

I is for Inside Joke: something they do that everyone thinks is funny but they don’t understand

Atsumu knows how to use his mouth and that’s it. He drops the cheesy pick-up lines all the time on you. Walking up to you in the store, he’ll ask if you wanna take a bite of his cucumber, or ask if the honey is as sweet as you. You never know if he’s gonna be gross or sweet but regardless, everyone rolls their eyes and laughs at him. He doesn’t think he’s *wooing* you with this but he just wants to flirt with you all the time because he just so happy you are his!!!! Doesn’t get why people are *always* laughing at all of them

S is for Soft: Describe their softest feature

The way his lips quirk up in the morning when he realizes you are in his arms. Its one of the only times you see him smile without showing teeth and something about it just makes all of his features softer and angelic. The only other time you’ve seen this smile is when he watches his obaa-san interacting with you and Osamu. Maybe that’s his true smile or maybe you are blessed enough to see a special one, but regardless you are happy. 

V is for Valentine: Are they the type to celebrate or not?

You can’t tell me this cheesy motherfucker doesn’t celebrate. Any cheese trope he’s done. Rosepetals trailing from the front door to your candlelit room with him, a bottle of wine, and a gorgeous set of lingerie on the bed. A massive ass bouquet sent to your job, that’s bigger than you are? Yep, that was last year. Your pet dog has claimed the human-sized teddy bear as a bed. He will always make a reservation at the hottest spot in town, but also asks you the morning of if you want to go. If you don’t, then you both go to the local diner near you for greasy American food in your pajamas. You love both because you just get to spend time with him.

Y is for Youth: A fond childhood memory they have

The true struggle of his childhood was constantly being mistaken for his twin. Even by friends or teachers who had interacted with them numerous times before. You, you were the only person who got it right after the first time. You could always tell them apart. Even if you favored Osamu’s more relaxed nature, he can’t help but smile thinking about how you always knew him, even when you were kids.

Smut

 D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Atsumu had a weird thing about laying in his bed when he jerked off and somehow he found himself in Osamu’s bed one night. It became a routine to jerk off in Osamu’s bed. It wasn’t that it was his brother, but just the fact it wasn’t his bed that made it very hot to him. Now he can’t jerk off laying down in bed. Literally anywhere except for on his bed. He has literally pavloved himself into being unable to cum jerking off in his own bed. 

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

As said previously, Atsumu likes to run his mouth, so he asks you questions about your needs but if you can’t talk or are just relaxing in a bath, he just babbles about nothing because he knows his voice is relaxing and it helps him get out some post-sex nerves/energy. Also, skinship is super important. He doesn’t have to be touching all of you, but just a hand on your thigh or back or legs intertwined. He needs that way more than talking. He gets really antsy and in a bad headspace if he can’t have that skin to skin contact. 

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 

Running his mouth doesn’t stop when he’s fucking you. Praise, degradation, and a mixture of the two always flow out of his mouth but he asks you with sincerity and a certain softness every time he switches something up if you are ok. Uses the traffic light system and uses it frequently. You can just see the soft concern in his eyes when he asks, even if there isn’t any reason to be concerned. He just wants you to enjoy yourself. 

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Atsumu can do two decently long rounds, but not anything breathtaking time-wise. Is able to fuck and cum again after a decent refractory period, but he has no qualms with keeping you needy and pleased with his fingers pistoning in and out of your cunt or having you straddle his face. Hell, he might even throw in a few toys if you beg nicely. 

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Let! Atsumu! Get! His! Dick! Wet! But generally, his sex drive is fairly high and he is often the one to initiate. He doesn’t *need* you though. He’s more than happy to fuck his fist in the shower. Especially loves taking videos to send to you at inopportune times or when he’s away. Short Answer? Yes. 

[leahclearwaterdefensesquad]

Other fictional werewolves (let's not get into Meyer's 'they're shapeshifters' turnaround, yet) are treated as subhuman, too. Is it more of an issue in the twilight saga because SM reserved that exclusively for non-white, native americans who would have/do face that disregard by many people in real life? Whereas, with others (HP, for instance) it's...well, I don't know if it's across the race spec but it's not exclusive to marginalised people (then again, JKR was exclusionary in her attitude)

Okay so this app tells me that I have a certain amount of asks in my inbox; however, there's one less ask than what it's telling me I have, which leads me to believe that Tumblr may have trashed your other ask or just isn't showing it (if you sent another one, that is). So if you did, I'm really sorry about that and it wasn't my doing, so I'm just gonna work with this ask, okay? Just wanted to clarify that just in case!

So first things first. I haven't really watched enough shows about supernatural creatures, specifically shows with a vampire vs. werewolf element, to give a statement on whether the 'vampires are portrayed as more superior to werewolves/werewolves are treated as subhuman' bit is more /across the board/ in the supernatural genre like you say it is (although I think you make an interesting and legit point that I do want to hear more about). I've watched Twilight and True Blood(a while ago) and that's pretty much it.

In answer to your first question, yes. Meyer goes every which way to beastialize the Native Americans in her books, whom are the werewolves of the series (and like you said, we're ignoring her little "they're actually shapeshifters, here's a last minute mention about the Children of the Moon" from BD). She writes it so that specifically the Native American tribe turns into animals -> makes their actions violent and their control short enough to the point that a domestic violence situation goes down (we're coming back to this bit) -> draws up the racist parallel that Native ppl, and specifically the men, are more animalistic and predatorial. Not to mention that domestic and sexual violence against Indigenous women (as well as murder) is an ongoing genocidal epidemic, so Meyer including that bit that draws a parallel to what is happening irl is so... 'Inappropriate' doesn't do it and a lot of other shit she wrote justice. (Here's a link about MMIW.)

She shouldn't have written the Emily/Sam/Leah love triangle (and especially the incident between Sam and Emily where he scars her) PERIOD because 1. Meyer writes that Emily forgives Sam and that they have their romantic happily ever after, which trivializes what Indigenous women face and 2. portrays stereotypes of Native men being violent and 3. you can tell from how much unresolved drama she creates for her Native characters (Embry's father, the love triangle, killing Harry Clearwater and placing the blame on his daughter, killing Sarah Black off page and all the grief it causes Billy and their kids, Quil's dad dying in a boating accident when he was a kid, and Quil imprinting on a toddler which we are so getting to) that she's a sadist for Indigenous pain (which is a bit more in general with the series than just the love triangle but I'm in rant mode rn and it needed to be said!!!). Like, making Quil imprint on Claire, a 3 year-old - what was the point of that??? Meyer wrote a lot of fucked up shit in those books, but making Native men be violent toward women (Sam and Jake with Emily and Bella) and child groom (Jake and Quil with Renascence and Claire) is some of the absolute worst, despicable, racist ass shit!!

The anti-Native racism becomes even more apparent when you pay attention to the double standards that the Native characters face as opposed to the Cullens. Let's take several incidents into account. We are to view the werewolves as having a lack of control over their tempers and their phrasing, as well as being violent and dangerous. The e.g. was Sam and Emily (see above), as well as Jake's mood changes and shaking post-first phase. However, the Cullens are characterized by their self-control and focus over their thirst and their general feral nature as vampires (Carlisle's god-like control to the point that he can be a doctor, Edward not killing Bella in Twilight) DESPITE a clear example refuting this - the incident at Bella's birthday party in New Moon! Bella was all cut up by the end of the evening because Señor Slavery Is My State Right lost his shit at a paper cut and then Edweirdo didn't pay enough fucking attention to not throw Bella into a glass table when he was trying to push her out of the way, which he didn't even have to do!! Then in Eclipse, his hypocritical ass proceeded to tell Bella that he wasn't allowing her to go to La Push (god imagine if your man said he wasn't ALLOWING you to do something like I'd fucking kill the motherfucker with a flamethrower up the ass) because the wolf pack was dangerous despite why he left in the first place in New Moon! There are more occurrences of this hypocritical, racist bullshit, but this is the clearest example to point out.

I've seen greater in-depth discussions going around, as well as papers you can just google and read, that have analyzed how much anti-Native racism is steeped into the series, which I would highly recommend looking out for. Actually I may possibly go back and find a few that I read myself.

As for the JKR thing, she wrote lycanthropy as a metaphor for HIV/AIDS. Also, take notice to how the majority of the werewolves in HP were bad guys and sided with Lord Voldemort. These werewolves embraced their nature, eating (I'm pretty sure, it's been years since I've read it) and infecting ppl gleefully, which was basically a parallel to the idea that gay men were infecting ppl with AIDS, because Joanne is not only a transphobic bitch, she's homophobic as well. You wouldn't immediately think so because she made Dumbledore gay, but that was more for the ~drama~ rather than legitimate representation. (See: she released that detail after the books were published so that it wouldn't hurt sales/PR, she had him crush on the man he would have to defeat in battle for the ~drama~ b/c if there's one thing bigots love, it's inflicting pain on minority characters.)

Compare these violent werewolves in the Wizarding World vs. Remus Lupin, the werewolf who was forcefully turned by Fenrir Greyback, one of the pack leaders who sided with Voldermort, and is ~ashamed~ of his sickness.

Anyways, I think you may be onto something here, and I encourage everyone to add any other examples that are relevant and continue this conversation. I'm sure there are plenty that either have to do with Anon's point or with Stephenie Meyer being a racist.

[jadeile-writes]

Fanfic Progress Update 42

Greetings! It’s Saturday, so it’s time for Fanfic Progress Update! Stay tuned to the end of this post for a spoiler-y glimpse into the next chapter of Adventure Gone Mini AND the next chapter of Shit, the Radio Demon is a part of my afterlife.

Current WIPs:

Adventure gone Mini

Fandom: Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild / The Minish Cap

Summary: Sidon is given his very own Sheikah Slate, the first replica Purah has managed to make, and sets out to travel with Link with the intention of registering warp points for convenient travel in the future. However, when a malfunction shrinks them down to the size of bugs, and they meet little people called the Minish, they have to change their plans from “fun adventuring” to “getting out of this mess”. Not that those two have to exclude one another. Link/Sidon.

Progress: Chapter 31 is the current latest chapter and was posted on 27th of November. Chapter 32 is finished, and will be posted on 18th of December. Chapter 33 has been started.

I update this fic every three weeks on Wednesdays.

—–

Shit, the Radio Demon is a part of my afterlife

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary: Husk is just your everyday demon, minding his own business and living his afterlife mostly in self-caused misery. He’s been at it for about ten years when he rather abruptly finds himself on the Radio Demon’s radar. Suddenly his life becomes a lot more interesting. For fuck’s sake, he did not ask for this bullshit.

Progress: Chapter 2 is the current latest chapter, and was published on 13th of December. Chapter 3 will be published on 20th of December. Chapters 4-11 are also ready and waiting. About 3/4th of chapter 12 and half of chapter 13 are written as well.

I will update this fic every Friday. This may change to twice a week (Tuesday and Friday) once I get the whole thing written out and no longer have to reserve writing time for it.

—–

Radiohusk that makes me question my life choices (workname)

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary (temporary): Alastor and Husk make out and have pillow talks that range from cute to mildly disturbing to glimpses of Alastor’s backstory. Alastor is an awkward asexual who never really did romance because of that and now truly doesn’t know what he is even getting himself into. Basically a PWP but without smut.

Progress: I fixed Alastor’s characterization. This is about 5000 words already and the end is nowhere in sight, send help.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do with this. I think the most likely fate for this fic is to end up solely on my website and not on AO3 or ffnet at all. I don’t know yet.

—–

Drunk Alastor (workname)

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel

Summary (temporary): Roles are reversed in many ways when a drunk Alastor knocks on Husk’s door and has no intention of going to his own room for the night. Why yes, the author has one specific goal to get to here (no, not that one, eww), and you guys are going to love it, mwahaha! Oneshot, Alastor/Husk.

Progress: I’d say this is... maybe 2/3rds done. Or at least half done. It’s a long oneshot anyway. Chances are I’ll post it sometime next week, but don’t count on it.

—–

Other WIPs I’m not currently working on but intend to get back to someday:

PoE Drabbles (Pillars of Eternity)

DC Drabbles (Justice League)

Diaphanous Relations (Forgotten Realms, R.A. Salvatore’s books)

Rolling with it (Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)

Possibly worth staying for (She-Ra and the Princesses of Power)

—–

That’s it for the WIPs! Here are the promised sneak-peeks into Mini and Afterlife. (Note: the text may end up slightly different in the fics themselves due to more editing happening before publishing). Enjoy!

Mini

"LIBRARI GUESS WHAT!" Histori yelled, as she enthusiastically kicked the door to the library open.

Link and Sidon were dragged in, not really having had much of a choice in anything ever since the left the Magic Academy. Histori had pulled them down the hallways in a hurry and led them to the library without any hesitation or manners whatsoever. Really, maybe her name was actually Hysteri and Link had just misheard it.

"Histori, don't yell in the library!" A voice sounded from somewhere further in. Also yelling. Link snorted.

"COME HERE AND I'LL STOP!" Histori kept on shouting, and started pulling them in the direction of the earlier voice.

"Why are you like this?" The same voice asked, right before their group went around a book shelf and came face to face with the source.

Afterlife

Everything was shit. Absolute, complete, motherfucking pure crap.

Husk was thrown out of the casino and landed in a pile of trash in an ungraceful heap of limbs and feathers.

“Hah, serves you right, you stinking loser! Stay the fuck away from here or we’ll trash you up even worse!” his assailant shouted gleefully, and slammed the heavy door shut. Husk could hear laughter from behind it, fading away as the fuckers moved away from the door.

Mother of all whores in a shitwagon! Husk hated his afterlife more than he had hated the miserable last quarter of his actual life!

He had just lost all of his money. Every single penny, nickel, and cent. The the whole kit and caboodle. He was so broke that he wouldn’t be able to afford the cheapest fucking beer to make things marginally better, much less all the liquor he would actually need for that damn miracle.

That’s it this time. See you next Saturday!

AO3    FFnet    Purple Crayon    Ko-fi

[thornfield13713]

Observations on Jeremiah Valeska

Do not be fooled - this guy is one Extra motherfucker. I mean - ok, yes, this is a melodramatic show already, but...well. The staying in the shadows until he can dramatically reveal himself as if he’s the Beast and Gordon is Maurice. The extended and at least partly fabricated ‘let me tell you about my tragic backstory’ monologue. The hundred-acre underground maze that Jeremiah lives in the centre of like the world’s most paranoid and nerdy minotaur. Ok, yes, this is small potatoes next to everything he gets up to post-spray, but I think we can say with some certainty that this shit was a part of Jeremiah’s personality right from the start.

Rather more confusingly - it’s the middle of the night. Jeremiah lives in an underground bunker and does not seem to have had any visitors since before the Wayne Murders. He may be expecting a visit from the police in the near future, but he has no way of knowing when. And he is wearing a full suit, tie, sweater vest and a goddamn tie pin. I have two theories about this one. One of them is that Jeremiah spent the whole time between buzzing the police in and Ecco bringing them to his door frantically getting presentable because he was not going to deal with the police in his pyjamas. The other is that Jeremiah just likes being dressed up nicely, even if it’s only for his own benefit. I’m not sure which of these I prefer. On the one hand, option A explains why he only seems to own one outfit. On the other, I just rather like the idea that Jeremiah wakes up in his bunker at whatever hour of the day and dresses as fastidiously as if he were going into the office before settling in to work or read or whatever it is he does with himself all day. This is kind of supported by the fact that, while we only ever see Jeremiah in one suit, it’s a pretty flamboyant suit - rust-red with a green shirt, purple sweater vest and tie, plus accessories? This is not someone who dresses to blend in.

He’s kind of a hedgehog. A lot of pre-spray Jeremiah fics I’ve seen characterise him as soft or shy, and that just isn’t what seems to be going on here. Shyness is defined as nervousness or timidity around other people, and while Jeremiah is clearly socially inexperienced, he doesn’t come off as timid. Quite the reverse. He’s fairly confident in his dealings with Gordon and Bullock once the guns are put away, gets downright confrontational with Gordon when Gordon is trying to talk him into giving himself up to Jerome in ‘That’s Entertainment’. He’s generally polite and reserved, yes, but honestly his behaviour reads more as prickly than shy. Where this does have a basis is in his dynamic with Bruce. It takes very little real attention from Bruce to draw Jeremiah out of his shell, and I’m going to bet that this is because of how Bruce first approaches him, in contrast with basically everyone else Jeremiah interacts with. Bruce greets him civilly, asks about his work, and compliments his mind. In an interview, Cameron Monaghan describes this as the first time he’s ever connected emotionally or intellectually with another human being, and it’s conveyed that way. Everything about Jeremiah softens when Bruce asks about his work, and there’s something very compelling about that dynamic. I’d have liked to see it played out across a few more episodes before Jeremiah went off the deep end.

He definitely isn’t neurotypical even pre-spray. Now, ok, I will be the first to admit I will headcanon mental health issues onto anyone I vaguely identify with, because...well. Socially anxious autistic who would actually quite like to live in an underground bunker-maze with no interaction with the outside world. Jeremiah is paranoid to the point of building an entire elaborate bunker complex and cutting himself off entirely from the outside world in fear of his brother. He did this six years ago, probably before Jeremiah even returned to Gotham, and definitely at least three years before Jerome gave any indication that he might be looking for his twin. Even the lies that got him sent away from home seem to have been born out of genuine terror of his brother. This may or may not be justified, but even when speaking to Jerome, whom he doesn’t need to keep up an act around, Jeremiah maintains that Jerome would have hurt or killed him eventually. He also displays problems with empathy, as when he mentions the recent, gruesome death of his employer at his twin’s hands, and seems genuinely afraid of leaving his bunker even when he believes he has Jerome trapped in the maze. Some of this might just be the effects of the way he has chosen to live - prolonged solitary confinement is not good for anyone, and we’re given no indication about just how regular a visitor to the bunker Ecco is - but all of it suggests that Jeremiah was already neurodivergent before the gas.

I’m still a bit confused about how old this guy’s supposed to be. According to Wikipedia’s article on Jerome, the twins are twenty-one as of S4. According to the episode in which Jeremiah debuts, the brothers last saw each other at the age of ten and Jerome has been waiting to confront Jeremiah for fifteen years, putting them at twenty-five. Either way, this creates a few issues with regards to backstory, one of them being that Jeremiah has been living in his bunker for six years, putting him at 15-19 when construction was completed. Jerome claims to the crowd that Jeremiah was adopted by a wealthy family and went to a top college, but I’m just having trouble working out how to fit all this in. Adoption by a rich family would explain both how he ended up at St Ignatius, which looks like a seriously expensive institution to send a kid to, and how he was able to finance the building of his bunker, but Zach Valeska explicitly names the school, rather than a particular family, and when Gordon makes the deduction that Jeremiah was placed at St Ignatius by Zach, Jeremiah doesn’t deny it. Granted, Jeremiah is not an altogether reliable source, given we know he lies elsewhere in this conversation, but this part of the story is one of the few things we have outside confirmation on. I’m inclined to believe the adoption happened while he was at St Ignatius, but I’m still unclear about precisely how long he was there, or when his adoptive parents stopped being a part of his life, as they don’t appear to be in the picture by the time Jeremiah is introduced.

The effects of the gas seem to be degenerative. In ‘That Old Corpse’, when Jeremiah reveals himself as Joker, he’s still cool, calm, composed and rather prickly with everyone but Bruce, and a distinctly no-nonsense sort of supervillain. It’s just his moral compass which is skewed. By ‘Ruin’, he’s in full-scale hammy villainy and having arguments with himself in two different voices. It sort of parallels the degeneration of the Batman Who Laughs, who starts his reign of terror by matter-of-factly gunning down the entire Batfamily, but whose plans get more and more elaborate until finally he’s dosing Superman with black Kryptonite which mutates him into a monster and having him tear Lois Lane limb from limb.  I’m not quite sure how long the degeneration took. Logically, to have Jerome buried with a headstone by the start of ‘That Old Corpse’, it has to have been somewhere in the range of three weeks to a month, especially as all of those generators had to be built when in ‘That’s Entertainment’ they’re still a purely theoretical design. Taking into account supply and demand, and how long it would take for two people working alone to do that, I’m comfortable estimating it as a month.

It’s also notable how he responds to Jerome calling him out on the lie. 'Maybe it didn't happen exactly like that, but  but I didn't have a choice, and I was right.’ That’s...an interesting turn of phrase. The thing is, Jeremiah is very obviously afraid of his brother. He’s terrified in every scene they share and, even after Jerome is dead, Jeremiah’s desire to re-create Gotham as a giant maze is linked to his fear of Jerome. But there’s a clear shift here - he’s downright tentative on ‘maybe it didn’t happen exactly like that’. Which...that can be read as suggesting something did happen to make him afraid of his brother killing him before he was sent away, or that Jeremiah has spent the last fifteen years convincing himself of his own lies because he doesn’t actually want to deal with the fact that his lies might have played a role in Jerome actually becoming as bad as he feared. To be clear, this is in no way his fault - he was ten. He was ten years old and no decent, rational adult responds to a ten-year-old claiming their brother threatened them with a knife by holding a kid’s hand in boiling chicken stock whenever he stole a cookie for the rest of his childhood! But it is interesting that Jeremiah seems to feel the need to justify this to himself and to Jerome. Coupled with the fact that he is shown looking distinctly shell-shocked and tearful at the sight of Jerome’s corpse, and I think he does feel guilty about what his brother became, even if he talks a good game about Jerome having been born bad.

[sometimeinjoon]

Misleading Misdemeanor

4.1k

01 - 02 - 03 - 04

A/n: I have an obvious lack of knowledge of actual criminal procedure, ignore all the mistakes, I hope they’re acceptable. Also, it MAY get gruesome. Tread with caution.

Kim Namjoon. 24. Murderer.

Also one and the same as you, under certain conditions.

The sight of a black folder poised on your desk barely daunted you. It’s been a while, you thought, sitting down on your chair. In contrast to the multiple glaringly bright red folders in multiple towers around you, this black one seemed to hide its menacing contents quite well. To anyone else, this sole folder would be the most innocent of the swathe you basically lived in due to their sheer number.

At this point, you were never given anything but red. As soon as a case a little too complex shows up, it’s always the same phrase — “give it to the blitzkrieg" — as your superintendent lovingly refers to you. The color repulsed you so much you wanted to smash your new assistant Jennie’s head through the wall whenever she smiled at you with her less-than-pearly whites and fire engine red lipstick; she was sweet but stupid, and that plus her nauseating love for the stupid color made you want to chop her head off most of the time, but lucky for her, you were composed. You had to be, especially with your line of work.

Opening the folder, you were greeted with the typical documents: what they did, who they harmed, how many they harmed, sentence, possibility for parole, multiple photos of their crime scenes. Your eyes quickly get glued to the mug shot, which unnervingly resembled a yearbook picture more than it did an archival photo of a deemed psychopath, judging by the color of his folder that was almost never used. The motherfucker was smiling, and on top of that, the motherfucker was attractive. Nothing new in your experience though, that’s how pretty faces get away with so many crimes. You were merely noting facts.

Yelling in the corridor averted your eyes from the man in the photo to your window, seeing a man being dragged away by several police men. A dull 4 sat atop his head and you nod; the noisy ones were never really dangerous, although if it took 4 men to haul him to his cell, he sure was strong, you’ll give him that much. Behind the boisterous man was Yugyeom, your long-term colleague, sporting a proud 8. Darting your eyes around the people that were present outside your office, you gave a contented sigh. The gray numbers become overwhelming when you see too many all at once, and now that you controlled when you saw the numbers, you were invincible.

Fixing your view back to the opened folder, you begin to read on the man:

Kim Namjoon. IQ an impressive 148. 32 counts of murder, 2 counts of manslaughter. Nothing else.

You figured a man of his physique and appearance would be a rapist, and that’s beyond your bias, but he wasn’t. Perched at the very top of his victim list were his former investigators, sitting in first, second, and third, indicating succession, first being his latest victim. His case went from a white, to a red, to a navy blue, to a black in the span of a week, and no one has done that in your many years of experience. You’ve been warned quite sternly by your superintendent: “He killed the last 3, so don’t ever let your guard down. No one else can do this but you at this point, and if we lose you, the entire team’s going down.” Strangely enough, seeing this man’s case accelerate to the most dangerous color category that quickly made you excited to interview him. What number did he have? You’ve never seen anyone above a 9.

“Fifteen minutes, krieg,” Yugyeom knocks on your open door, adjusting his cuffs, as if the man they were dragging out gave him a bit more of a fuss than usual. You hated the nickname that was forced onto you, but nonetheless, you nod at him, taking one last sip from your cup before standing up, black folder in hand.

The walk to the interview room was relatively short, but filled with gasps from newer employees you passed by, and reassuring smiles from the ones you’ve been working with for a while. Throughout your career, you’ve only ever handled 3 black cases. To exemplify that feat, no one else has handled a black case. They were reserved for you. Everything above red was reserved for you. It took a lot to move up from a white case, and when a case does move up, it’s already a scare.

“Good morning, miss,” the policeman that was going to stand guard outside the room greeted you, holding the door open. Shortly after, 2 more policemen joined him. You were about to ask why there were so many of them, forgetting briefly about the supposedly extremely dangerous man you were about to encounter. You should be a little more fucking nervous, you fucking diva, you thought to yourself. Honestly though, how dangerous can this man be? Compared to you, at least.

Namjoon is ushered into the room and you don’t look up from the files you were trying to organize. You hear the door to his side of the room click, and he inhales quite sharply as he sat down.

“Wow,” he pauses for a bit too long, “you’re smart.” You can hear his smile through his voice. You don’t reply to his compliment as you continue to jot down questions you were going to ask him. “I know you know I am too, cause I know you can read my profile,” he follows up just as you pressed the button on the intercom to speak, not once looking away from your notes, and it makes you laugh right into the microphone.

“Oh shit, a girl this time?” By the way he speaks, you sensed genuine surprise in his tone.

“Sexist?” you ask, finally looking up, and you get the wind knocked right out of your chest.

A red number. It says 12.

“No, just astonished they’d even send a female in my direction, knowing what I did to the others,” he answers you, his gaze fixed right on the mirror in front of him. You feel like he’s looking right at you, except he seemed to mirror the subtle terror he couldn’t see on your face.

You struggle to speak as you not only lost your entire train of thought, but also you were scared shitless, as much as you’d hate to admit it. You didn’t know numbers could be red. You also didn’t know that the scale didn’t stop at 10.

He deadpans at the one-way glass in front of him, acknowledging the change in strategy. “I mean, I don’t think you intend to make my post-arrest kill count four, do you? It’s harder to kill someone when you don’t know who to kill, exactly.”

“Correct, even though the interrogation style’s motives must be obvious.” you try to nonchalantly answer. 

“Also wouldn’t be exactly delightful to fall for my interrogator,” he places his cheek in his hand, half-smiling. What a motherfucker. “You have a beautiful voice, ma’am, I could melt listening to you talk about what an asshole I am.” He smiles wider. 

“Great, then let’s do just that. Name?” 

“You know my name. My file’s right in front of you.”

"I’m trying to follow protocol, but since you’re so eager, let’s get to it then,” you say, and he nods.

"Let’s cut everything out,” he says, leaning onto his elbows on the table. “I know you know exactly what I am, and the flowery talk I use on everyone won’t work on someone like you.” His expression is hidden by the shadow cast by his face from the drop light on the ceiling, and oh god how you wish you could see what he looked like as he said that.

“You talk like you know me,” you say, clicking your pen down and you see him raise an eyebrow and blow air out of his nose in a form of a hesitant chuckle. You tried to ignore your obnoxiously sweaty palms. He can’t see you, you reminded yourself. 

“Kim Namjoon, 24, murderer.” The way his voice comes out so rich and deep contradicts the evil he spoke, and it scared you more how he seemed so calm and composed. You were used to murderers and rapists be this way, all collected, all chill, but the menacing 12 marking the air above him made it difficult for you to just treat him like an ordinary man.

“Any specific motives on your killings? Specific targets?”

"Anyone. Everyone. I don’t really care.” You stop writing.

“Any types you spare?”

He smiles at your question. “The ones like you.”

He’s an actual fucking psychopath, you tell yourself, and re-read his files to see if he really wasn’t a rapist, or at least a sex offender. He seems to be quite purposefully alluring.

“Aren’t you going to ask what I mean by that?” Namjoon quirks an eyebrow. You wondered why all traces of fear seem to have left your body, the red 12 you’ve willed away to not have it distract you, although it’s real, and it’s a warning. What made this too-confident of a man be a 12? Why is his number red?

“Yes, tell me more about why you wouldn’t want to kill me,” you wave your pen around in the air as you spoke into the mic, trying to humor him. Surely he was just being sly.

“Two quite simple things,” he waves his hair away from his face. “Smart,” he raises his pinky finger in a count, “and dangerous. I know you’ve been told you’re one of a kind, and you are, baby girl, you are, but you’re — ” he trails off, and looks directly at the mirror and you meet his eyes. 

“A red 12. Just like me.” 

“Are you sure you want to do it this way?” The policeman asks you before moving out of the doorway to let you in. He wasn’t the only one nervous about this, no, the entire fucking building was. Half of them were sure they were about to lose their best employee ever, and half of them are convinced you’ll break this man and skin him alive.

You intended to make neither of the two sides right.

The interview yesterday did not go as planned, and ignoring the worried looks to your direction as soon as you left the interrogation room, you decided to end the interview early, for your own sake. Your mind was racing, heart thumping like a horse that’s just ran in a race. Today though, you planned to get the answers you needed from him.

Setting your gun underneath the table, you waited patiently for Namjoon to be let in. You were nervous, more nervous than the interview yesterday, and understandably so. You were now going to be a mere few feet away from the hotshot killer, and he wasn’t going to be cuffed or restrained in any way. 

As soon as Namjoon sets eyes on you, he looks like he’s about to break out into a panic. He was expecting the mirror, the intercom, but instead, he sees the red 12 above your head, and then your actual head. He could see the blazing numbers through the mirror yesterday, despite not being able to see you in actuality. He couldn’t actually believe what he saw. He’d spent all night trying to convince himself it was an illusion. Master killers were a gray 9, so what were you? More importantly, what was he?

No words were spoken for a good 30 seconds after the door was shut behind Namjoon, the two of you just blankly staring at each other, studying each other’s features. Your hands were clasped underneath your chin, and in a fleeting moment of vulnerability, Namjoon actually tucked his massive frame into a smaller size, as if afraid of you all of a sudden, maybe shy? The audience that has gathered at the monitoring room held their breath as they waited for something to ensue.

You inhale deeply and the click of your pen startles Namjoon. “What did you do before you were arrested?” 

“Don’t you have it there?” he asks, pointing at the black folder opened at the side of the desk. He actually looks sincerely gently disgruntled by you, as if seeing you physically has ruined something in his already-ruined mind.

“I have a list of your previous crimes, yes, murder, murder, murder, and another murder, what a surprise,” you say, flipping through his papers, setting down the lie you were telling lightly. “Oh and what don’t I have, your last case. Tell me what you did.” You place your hand over the stack of papers so he won’t see the police report that you feigned not having.

“Killed a man, but this time it was an accident,” he shrugs, and looks as if he regrets having committed the crime, but you know he relishes in misleading people with his demeanor, and you know you can’t let him mislead you. 

“Go on?” You ask, meeting his too low of a gaze, and you were extremely surprised when he actually took your coaxing and just lets it all out. 

“He hit me with in the back of the head, and I, retaliated? I pushed him back too hard. He fell and hit his head on the pavement, and now he’s dead.” He finishes with an exhale. “Manslaughter. Starts with an M, but isn’t murder.”

 It’s not uncommon for criminals to make up stories and actually make them believable, but to your surprise, his account matches the one in his folder exactly. He actually just told you what happened, and he looked like he felt bad for it.

“I can’t read you,” he says, taking the words right out of your mouth.

“Why are you trying to read me?” 

“It’s important that I know you.” He answers, looking at you with softened eyes and you were at the edge of making sure you don’t believe him.

“So you can kill me?” You ask, pressing forward onto the desk.

“No.”

“Hurt me?”

“Does it look like I would try to?”

No, no it doesn’t. He seems like an angel just about now, and the annoying voice in your head that never has anything helpful to say insists that he must be sincere. 

“Tell me, why do you need to know me?”

“So that I can know what I am too.”

You don’t press any further and instead settle back into your seat. This interview was going nowhere with questioning like this, and you both knew that. You also knew there was an audience behind the mirror, and so you flip through your notes from yesterday and go on with the bullets you weren’t able to ask.

“Why did you commit all those murders?”

“It’s different for each one.”

“Okay, Jackson Wang. It says here you were best friends. Why did you turn on him?”

Namjoon’s eyes close shut and he doesn’t open them until after a whole 30 seconds passed by. “His number turned green.”

You inhale sharply when he says that and he’s just as surprised as you were with your reaction. He continues on his train of thought: “he was an 8. Gray, at first, then it started to ombre into this mud color, until eventually, after not seeing him for a while, I look up and see it’s gone completely stoplight green.”

“What does it mean when the numbers turn green? How bad is it that made you do this to your best friend?” You press forward, sliding the 4R photo of the crime scene you were talking about. Jackson Wang, steel pipe in his chest where his heart should be. It went right through him, the other end of the pipe impaled into the brick wall behind him.

Namjoon avoids the photo and looks to his side. “You don’t know anything, do you?”

“That’s why I’m asking you all these things. Let’s pretend I’m stupid. Explain this shit to me.”

He scoffs. “I can’t pretend you’re stupid. Yours are red. And it goes over 10.”

At this point, the people in the monitoring room are completely lost on the situation, questioning not only Namjoon’s mental stability, but yours as well. The ones that have faith in you are convinced that you’re doing this as a tactic and are riding along to his bullshit to juice information out of him, but only Yugyeom and your superintendent are aptly following along to the conversation. They knew what you were talking about, but just like you, they were lost on Namjoon talking about green numbers. All of you only thought that the numbers were gray. You were the only one that can see the numbers, aside from the man across you on the table, but the numbers are definitely not just gray. They can also be fire truck red. And now, to your surprise, they can be green too.

“Then don’t pretend I’m stupid. Pretend I’m your equal and I can perfectly understand your motives to your kilings.” You say leaning even further forward on the table. Namjoon starts moving his index finger against the desk in an incessant manner, drawing a short line. He exhales overstatedly and he leans forward too, his left elbow thudding onto the desk, eyes locking with yours once he settles his cheek onto his opened palm. His finger is still going at it despite the change in position, although now outlining a cross, forward, backward, sideways, stop. He assumes you’ve taken notice of his movement before he tilts his head down to look at you through hooded eyes. 

“Try it.” His finger stops.

There’s electricity in your feet and he’s uncomfortably close, but you don’t back away. You’re stuck in a staring contest with a psychopath, his moods changing at exceptional speed. One moment, he’s shy, scared, startled by your presence, and another moment he looks like he’s about to lie you down on the table and fuck you silly, like right now. He’s smirking, dimple exaggerated by the light above his head.

“Are you sure you haven’t raped anyone yet?” You cock an eyebrow.

“Ma’am,” he fully smiles at this point. “Call me anything you want. Murderer, psycho, any synonym thereof,” he settles back into his seat, his finger starting to draw again, this time slower, “but I am never two things: a liar, and a rapist. I’m a gentleman, and I’m sure of it. I’d hold the door open for you if I could once this interrogation is over.”

You toss another photo in his direction, and he takes it. He relaxes further in his seat, one arm slung behind his back rest, the other holding the picture up. He alternates looking at the photo, and then at you. He talks before you ask him anything.

“Six. Easy kill. Gray. He had a wedding ring, but he was abusive.” His finger stops moving. “I had a hard time with this one, just cause he’s so big. With my size it’s not really difficult to take someone down, but this one was muscular. Really muscular.”

“You seem almost happy about this one?”

“I am,” he sets the picture down, sliding it back to you. “He was an asshole.”

You tilt your head to the side, eyes slightly narrowed. Without looking away from him you slide another picture across the desk. You keep your hand on the glossy print while you waited for him to talk.

His face smoothens, smile disappearing. He looks like he’s choked on air when he sees the picture, lips quivering.

“Kim Taeyhung. Your brother.” You barely whisper. “Why?”

“What if I tell you there wasn’t a motive?”

“You told me you weren’t a liar, under any circumstance.”

“You’re good at your job, miss. Really good.”

“That’s the reason I’m in front of you.”

He doesn’t answer for a while, eyes fixed on the gruesome image of the man shot repeatedly, blood ironically painting the canvas that was behind him where he’d fallen over. You reach back and give him more images, more angles of the murder. After you spread out the fourth one, he slams his hand down on your wrist to stop you and stands up. The policemen barge into the room to restrain Namjoon and he doesn’t fight either of them. He throws both his hands up behind his head and smiles. With his face being closer to the light on the ceiling, his eyes become more prominent in its shadow: wide and bright and prodding. There’s something feline and predatory about his gaze, like he’s thinking of dissection. Destruction.

“No, it’s okay,” you tell the two policemen that were preparing to take him away. “Let him go. I’m not done with him yet.” They look at you extremely confused, but they obey. The monitoring room is now bursting full and hot and uncomfortable. Yugyeom weasels his way to the intercom and shushes the room before he speaks.

“Try that one more time and we’re sedating you.”

“Sir, I just held her wrist.” Namjoon looks at the mirror from side to side and sits down. “Hello to everyone watching!” he waves, smiling wide. When his lips terminate the lift at the ends of either corner, he stares at you, his look greedy, intent on taking as much of your features in as he can. He looks back at the mirror behind you, and then to you once again almost immediately. He rests his cheek on his palm again, looking like he’s admiring you from across a library table in university.

“Tell me, miss,” he smirks, “why is your highest digit here at your office an 8? And why just one?” You swallow hard at the nonchalant statement. He definitely can see the numbers, and he’s talking about Yugyeom. “Underground, we go up to 9s. Multiple 9s.”

You wave off his statement while you rearrange his file, sliding a quick compliment to his allies before his face turns serious again at your voice.

“They’re not allies. I don’t have allies. Allies are bullshit.” You nod at his even tone.

“Figures, you did kill your bro—“

Namjoon slams his hand down on the table, startling everyone in the proximity. “I didn’t fucking want to kill Taehyung, you bitch,” he literally spits out the curse he’d so aggressively thrown at you. “I would never fucking kill any of my brothers.” He was talking quick, veins on his outstretched arm prominent and angry. Almost as angry as he was. You hold out your palm to the policeman barely opening the door, peering at you through the slit on the steel. He nods, but his eyes were full of worry.

“You killed two of them,” you say unfazed, head tilted to the side. You were looking at him cripplingly, challenging him, trying to press at his emotions harder so he would burst. “Taehyung. Jimin,” you listed off. Namjoon’s chest heaves with every breath, ears red. His hand is now balled up into a fist, the other clawing at his thigh. You lean closer to him and repeat the names of the three youngest in his family. “Taehyung. Jimin.” You say with emphasis. You fish out their photos from the stack you had and flick them towards him.

He closes his eyes, not wanting to see the images. A tear slips down one of his cheeks, his face flushed, neck veins near popping, fists shaking from how hard he’s closed them in.

“Stop,” He whispers.

“Why did you kill them?”

“I was young. Stupid. Reckless. I still am,” he surrenders, tears now continuous. “But I regret harming them. Killing them. They were godsends in this hellhole.”

“You shot Taehyung 23 times,” you read off of a page in his folder. “That seems intentional, if anything.”

“Why are you suddenly an idiot?” He blinks at you. His eyes were bloodshot, brow worried and hurt was evident in his voice. “Panic. It was in panic.”

“You need to cock a gun to fire that many times in succession, Namjoon,” you cross, and his eyes grow wide at you calling him by name.

He leans forward, hushing his voice. “One,” he sticks his index finger out, “I threw the fucking bullets, alright? And two,” he follows up with his middle finger, “do not call me Namjoon. That’s not a name for you to use. You have no idea what that does to me when you say it.”

You’re baffled with what he said, and you’re not sure how to take that in. You narrow your eyes at him, feigning arrogance. 

“Namjoon.”

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VIII: Episode 1 - Eighth Verse, Same as the First

All right you sons of bitches, here we motherfucking go. The last six episodes. I want to see you wrapping yourselves up in fur, hopping on your nearest dragon, and shaking your asses... because winter? She’s here.

WARNING: Spoilers for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and just how many times Bran was creeping in his wheelchair, turn back now.

WINTERFELL

Okay, so after the credits are like -

we see this rando little boy running around and we’re kinda like, “Little Boy, what the fuck are you up to?” And he’s like -

And it’s kinda like “Okay, little boy, chill the fuck out because D-Baby and J’Snow are COMING. TO. TOWN.” So they’re strutting in like -

And Arya’s watching like -

but also a little like -

And meanwhile during all this, Barack and Michelle are looking around all -

Anyway, the whole thing is like kinda gorgeous and super nostalgic but like in a good way and we’re kinda like, “This might actually just be really fucking great.” But then D&D are like, “Boy, do we have a fucking treat for you guys, ‘cause the first line of the season? Yeah, it’s gonna be a joke about how Varys doesn’t have a dick!”

And what’s more constant on Game of Thrones than dick jokes? No, aside from gratuitous nudity. No, also aside from sexual violence against women. Yes, that’s right. Dragons. The lone survivors come flying over Winterfell, and Arya’s like -

while Sansa is all -

Truly not having it. Okay, so finally J-Snow winds up in the Winterfell courtyard and we see somebody creeping in the corner of the frame like -

SURPRISE! IT’S BRAN! And J-Snow’s all, “Yo little bro, it’s so crazy to see you. You’re totally a grown ass man now.” And Bran is all -

And we’re like, “Cool, so he’s like TOTALLY just a fucking meme now, got it.” 

Meanwhile, tensions are HIGH inside the Meeting Hall when Lady Sophia Grace reads. J-Snow. To. Filth.

And so it’s like drama, drama, drama, but like none of it ultimately matters because guess who’s fucking back with like a REAL White Supremacist haircut?

That’s right. Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife. And also minorities, because... that haircut is a little concerning.

He’s basically like, “Gotta have more coal, gotta have more coal,” while P-Dinky and Sansa have That Awkward Remember When We Got Married talk and Bran watches from the courtyard like -

Then for Reunion #5,765 we’ve got Arya and J-Snow. Arya is all, “You used to be taller,” and J-Snow is like, “You used to seem less like a sociopath.” 

Anyway, they bond over Arya’s sword and he’s like, “Have you ever used it?” And she’s just like -

And then J-Snow is like, ‘Look at us, we have swords, we have so much in common, also ISN’T SANSA A BITCH?” And Arya’s just like -

KING’S LANDING

So Cersei is literally dressed like this.

when Uncle Freddie Mercury struts into the Throne Room, and this time he’s brought Jon Bon Jovi along for the ride.

HEY, GURL! So Cersei’s pretty stoked that she has Bon Jovi’s army, but also a little bit like -

Meanwhile, Uncle Freddie’s just got one thing on his mind.

And after putting up a little bit of a fight, Cersei is just like -

And then we just cut to Bronn Piece of Fucking Shit in the middle of this -

when Maester Frankenstein bursts in all -

So the Boob Ladies have gotta go, but not before one of the craziest things ever to happen on this show goes down. First one of the Ladies goes to Maester Frankenstein all -

And then he literally says, “Poor girl. The pox will take her within the year.”

Yeah, glad we’re spending time on this. Anyway, I guess Cersei like... wants Bronn to kill Jaime and P-Dinky. Sure. Next.

Cersei is post-coital and all she can think about is -

While Uncle Freddie is just like, “Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant,” and she’s just like -

Meanwhile, outside on Uncle Freddie’s ship, all the guards are suddenly like -

except legit one of them already has a fucked-up eye before he gets shot. I’m not even kidding, check it back... so I guess, no harm no foul? Anyway, it turns out it’s Theon rescuing his sister. And clearly we’re supposed to all be like -

But instead it’s kinda like -

Like. So easy that they steal a bunch of Uncle Freddie’s ships. Again. Like, Freddie. Get on your shit.

WINTERFELL

Back here, Varys is singing my favorite Harry Styles song.

While D-Baby and J-Snow are running around like -

Like truly has there ever been a piece of entertainment so sure we are invested in a couple and so wrong as Thrones is with these two?

But gird your loins, people because D-Baby is like “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta RIDE MY FUCKING DRAGON.” So J-Snow is like -

and then it just turns into this -

meets this -

Because when your lead actors don’t have chemistry, it’s best to surround them with CGI gobbledegook and then make them say the most fuckboy of fuckboy things ever. J-Snow: It’s cold up here for a southern girl. D-Baby: So keep your queen warm.

Anyway, back to the real show.

Much better. So it’s time for the second leg of the Arya Reunion Tour. We’ve got the Hound. We’ve got Gendry. And the Hound is all, “You left me for dead.” And Arya’s all, “Nuh-uh, first I stole that PAPER.” And the Hound is like -

“Peace.” So then it’s just Gendry and Arya. And Gendry’s all, “Gurl you look GOOD.” And Arya’s like, “Yo I hate being called milady except when it’s YOU ON THE OTHER END.” And I’m literally like SALIVATING for these two to just BONE already.

But first Arya shows him some shitty drawing and is like, “Can you make this?” And he’s like -

So then we get to what winds up being the best part of the episode, which is the only time that term can be applied to anything relating to Samwell Tarly. I know, I’m just as surprised as you. So D-Baby struts in to see him and she’s all, “You’re the man.” 

And she’s like, “Sure. I mean the man who healed Ser Jorah! THANKS FOR THAT!”

“Oh, also, by the way. I literally burnt your father alive.” And Sam’s all -

But then he’s like, “Wait, but now I can move back in with my brother!”

And she’s like, “Okay so I burnt him alive as well.”

So Sam’s like -

So he’s having a bad day, right? Like it’s horrible enough that he has to deal with this shit, and when he goes outside he almost gets hit by a fucking wagon, but the worst of the worst is that he winds up running straight into -

And it’s like BRAN! WHY HAVE YOU BECOME THE WEIRD WALDORF KID WHO CUTS HIS OWN HAIR AND LISTENS TO WAY TOO MUCH COLDPLAY?!?! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST SITTING HERE?!?!

Ugh, whatever. So he’s like, “Sam. It’s time to tell Jon the truth.” And Sam’s like, “Oh, bitch, you bet it fucking is.” So he storms down to J-Snow and tells him the two words he needs to hear most.

THE LAST HEARTH

So Ginger Wildling and Eyepatch Dude somehow survived the Wall falling.

And they’re wandering around this place we’ve never been before all -

When suddenly they run into a bunch of Night’s Watch people and That Night’s Watch Dude Who’s Been Around forever shouts the thing I thought all Oscar season about Bradley Cooper -

“STAY BACK! HE’S GOT BLUE EYES!”

But then everybody chills the fuck out and they go into this room where this little dead boy is the centerpiece of some bizarre art installation by the Night Queen.

And they’re like, “Notice the use of light” when suddenly the dead little boy is like -

and they’re like -

Which makes for Child Burning #2 on this show. So that’s good.

WINTERFELL

Okay, so then we’ve got Mysterious Hooded Figure approaching the castle. And I’m like... “Melisandre?” And the show’s like...

And I’m like... “Littlefinger?!?” And the show’s like...

And I’m like... “Beyonce?!?” And the show’s like...

And I’m like -

Until he looks over. And who else should he see but -

This fucking kid.

BOOB COUNT: 3 pairs BODY COUNT: 1 (RIP Ned Umber, whoever the fuck you are) EPISODE GRADE: B-

Okay, so this spot used to be reserved for SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS, but then D&D announced Ser Pounce is dead because they’re cruel bastards. So I announce the installation of:

THE SER POUNCE MEMORIAL FOR STRAY THOUGHTS

I was one hundred percent down with the echoes of the pilot episode - Arya clocking the little boy watching the procession just as she had, the scoring. I typically hate when movies or shows repeat earlier stuff in their home stretches, but this was well-done and satisfying nostalgia porn.

Why do we continue these ball jokes? Does anybody genuinely think they’re funny anymore? ANSWER ME!!!

There’s a long linger on Bran’s first look at Daenerys. I suppose this could be because he knows she’s Jon’s aunt, but maybe he knows something else in her future. But also who gives a fuck, Bran’s nuts.

Okay, so this Tyrion trusting Cersei shit - there’s gotta be something going on here, because I don’t believe for a second Tyrion would believe she’d actually come unless he, as suspected, struck some kind of deal with her. He says, “She has something to live for now,” which ties back to the moment we cut away from their scene last year. Could he have made some sort of deal about the baby? As in he will fight for the Lannister lineage? I don’t know what this means yet, but I will justify hardcore when the show starts making Tyrion look like a fucking dumbass.

It’s so frustrating that Jon is right - everybody does need to work together - and yet he seems to not accept that it’s completely valid that people should be challenging his leadership tactics after botching two military operations the last two seasons. I’m so over him.

Harry Strickland’s entrance with 6 episodes left feels suspect. Let us not forget that in the books there is the other Aegon who is represented by the Golden Company. We don’t know where that plotline is going, but it’s very possible Strickland is this character incognito, and that he will ultimately be the one to kill Cersei. He has only a few moments in this episode, but his looks at Cersei and the Red Keep are quite loaded.

I hate no character more than Bronn and I am also certain no character will survive more than Bronn.

Moments like the elephant shit turn these characters into campy weirdos that make me wonder if D&D even like these people at all.

I suppose I’m mildly interested in the fact that Cersei has so alienated herself from everyone that she has to turn to Euron for the tiniest bit of comfort. But then I remember that Euron is one of the most lazily-written villains ever and I stop caring.

Boy, the buildup for the Theon rescue mission was so great and boy, the payoff was lousy.

“I don’t know how to ride a dragon.” “Nobody does, until they ride a dragon.” Television writing - so easy a fourth grader could do it.

Dragon doesn’t like Jon kissing Daenerys. Does dragon want to fuck Daenerys?

As much as Sansa is calling Jon on the carpet about his allegiance with Daenerys and his seeming ineptitude at leading, she has even more grounds to be pissed off than she’s showing here. I’m hopeful that we are meant to side with her and that it isn’t the show just giving Jon another free pass for being the de facto “hero” of the show.

And the MVP of the episode shockingly goes to John Bradley, who is heartbreaking in his scene with Daenerys. Moreover, combining the Targaryen reveal to Jon with the notion that Jon may be turning a blind eye to Daenerys’ more psychopathic tendencies sets up a really interesting conflict that hopefully the rest of the season cashes in on. And having it come from the one person Jon knows wouldn’t lie to him made it all the more powerful.

“My father was the most honorable man I ever met” - the words of denial

“You gave up your crown to save your people. Would she do the same?”

So obviously the Bran stuff is just a fucking lost cause at this point. But even I will admit the symmetry of the ending with Jaime took me by surprise and gave me chills. I’m not a monster.

NEXT WEEK: Jaime’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

[codenamecynic]

Conventional oven-style Kalua Pork recipe for the lovely @jadesabre301​ who I am still like 87000% in love with because she is the best. Also, I’m sorry in advance. But not sorry enough to stop.

OKAY CHILDRENS LISTEN UP, WE GON COOK A THING WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION

I'm pretty sure that I can never top my recipe for crock pot kalua pork for sarcasm and sheer epic style, but sometimes let's be real - you hangry and you ain't even got time to wait 24 hours for actual food.

So here's the bad news - you still have to wait like four to six hours.

But also, here's the good news. YOU ONLY HAVE TO WAIT FOUR TO SIX HOURS, which is less than 24. Do the (as Travis Willingham would say) reverse math.

If you want a little bit of backstory on what kalua pork is, check out this post. If you just happen to have a big ass hunk of pork in your fridge and you are desperately trying to figure out what to do with it before it starts to turn green and you have explain to your army of cats that you went grocery shopping without a list again, READ ON.

So fun story, for the last couple of years my family has decided that turkey is done AF and we're all sick of it by the time the Christmas holiday rolls around, so we've started the holy tradition of the Xmas Luau. We're talking steamed rice. Lomi salmon. Mac salad. Spinach Luau. Musubi. Manapuas. Purple sweet potato and haupia pie. Butter mochi. The whole thing (and yes, I know none of you know what any of this is, GOOGLE IT). 

But you super can't have a luau without a main dish, so kalua pork is definitely the go-to.

The really nice thing about Hawaiian food (at least, the food from my childhood) is that a lot of it is really easy to make in catering portions. Food in Hawaii is like 100% grandma levels of 'you're too skinny, have another plate of food or twelve' so it's hella useful to be able to make things that are super simple to do in huge batches and then gorge yourself for days on the leftovers like an anaconda that's gotten uppity with a crocodile and can't move because gravity is a non-negotiable force of nature.

Is your body ready? Okay good.

INGREDIENTS

This is literally the same shit as in the other post, but since you're going to make it in a conventional oven instead of a crockpot, the amount of pork you want to cook is only limited by the size of your oven and the power of your will. Also, spoiler alert: once again we're not going to measure jack shit. I expect you to feel your way through this like a proper chef, and even if you're not one it is literally so hard to fuck this up.

You need:

An oven.

A pan that will fit in the oven. One of those disposable foil situations works fine.

Some aluminum foil. This is actually optional, for those of you who are motivated enough to want to do an additional step. I've done without and it works fine.

A hunk of boneless pork that will fit in the pan that will fit in the oven. Pork butt or loin works fine, and if it's got a bit of fat on it even better.

Salt. It does not have to be bougie salt of any particular kind, literally grab the rock salt that goes in the grinder you got at your wedding 15 years ago and still haven't managed to use up and that legit works fine. If you're real unprepared for this culinary adventure you can also use table salt, just use a light hand or you will possibly salt yourself into the grave.

Liquid Smoke. In a pinch you can use soy sauce, just dial back the salt or for real, you will have regrets and you will also have brought shame upon my house.

*For those of you who REALLY NEED MEASUREMENTS, a) this is not the cooking class for you, and b) I've had fairly decent results with using 4 tbsp of liquid smoke and 1/8 cup coarse salt per 5 lbs of pork. 

**For those of you who like to live that YOLO life, remember that you can't take away salt once you've added it, and it's really kind of hard to use too much liquid smoke.

NOW HERE'S WHAT WE GON DO:

1. Score your pork lightly in a crisscross pattern. Stop screaming, I have a visual aid.

You don't even have to do it as deeply as I did here, because I went hard as a motherfucker and was being real sloppy this day, which was naturally when the hubster was like LET'S TAKE SOME PICTURES FOR YOUR SIBLINGS LIKE THEY'RE EVER GONNA MAKE THIS THEMSELVES (they have cooked this exactly 0 times to date). Somewhere between 1/4 and 1/2 an inch is fine. Make sure you do this on both sides.

2. Sprinkle on your salt and dump in the liquid smoke. You don't have to be fancy and do precisely half on each side like Martha, you can just literally throw it in the pan if you want and then roll your pork around in it to get things evenly distributed.

3. Massage your pork. Eh heh heh. No but really, distribute that shit evenly. Really grind it into the places you cut like they’re the bleeding wounds of your enemies. There are only three ingredients in this recipe, don't be lazy and also please wash your hands before and after, don't be gross.

4. Cover with foil and roast in oven at around 250F for four to six hours (or longer if you're trying to make enough food for six years so you don't ever have to cook again).

Here's a thing about that: Kalua pork, like all pork, can end up a bit dry if you don't take the laziest and most halfhearted of steps to prevent this. If you roast it covered until it's fully cooked (read: shreddable with a fork/disintegrating in the pan like it failed its DEX save) you'll be able to reserve more of the drippings (you want to do this for later steps). Also, if you want a bit of nice browning and texture on the outside, just take off the foil and let it roast for another half hour or so, or until you're too hungry to wait any longer, whichever comes first.

5. Skill challenge: Reserve the juices from the pan without scalding all your skin off. Please be careful, I am not responsible for your poor life choices or your delicate human flesh. Set aside.

6. Shred pork. Obviously kalua pork fresh from the oven is the most excellent and is at its juiciest, but you may still find that you want to add back in some of the drippings to moisten things up. Just remember - IT'S SALTY. Be like a chef on Chopped and taste your food.

7. Profit

Bonus Round: Reheating

Like I said above, this is a super easy dish to make in batches and take to parties, so odds are you'll find yourself in need of reheating a large portion of this at some point. The easiest way to do that is in the oven, same as how you cooked it the first time. Just cover your pan in foil again to retain as much moisture as possible, and if you find that the extra heat is drying things out, add in more juices.

BUT CYNIC I DON'T HAVE JUICES. Well that's a personal problem. You can always substitute in vegetable broth or chicken stock if you need to, just again make sure you're watching the sodium content.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. Oven kalua pork in *mumbles* hours or less. Steam some rice and enjoy!

[isuzukuretsuki]

I bitch about Rika on this blog a lot so in the name of spreading some equality, I’m gonna make a compilation of my worst otome boys ever due to the popular demand of four people. 

disclaimer 1: everything is just my personal opinion and this post is mostly satire for shits and giggles so please don’t take it too seriously. this isn’t a personal slight to any fans because I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad for liking any of these characters.

disclaimer 2: there may be spoilers for the games I mention.

disclaimer 3: I’m only going to go off the games I’ve played myself. I know that there are a helluva lot more games in JP with all sorts of terribad boys but nevertheless I’m not gonna trash talk characters from games I’ve never played. 

disclaimer 4: yes, I spent way too much time on this. and yes, I absolutely do need a better hobby.

disclaimer 5: lots of hate filled words below.

anyway this list is my top ten worst otome boys ever.  time to maKE EVERYONE MAD.

10. V / Kim Jihyun (Mystic Messenger)

I was very hesitant on putting V on this list because I have a bunch of followers and mutuals who are V fans but I did it anyway and because of that I’d like to offer a formal apology to them for betraying their trust LMFAO. Anyway my dislike of V mellowed out throughout the years and after playing Saeran’s route, I don’t really have as much beef with him as I used to. But even still as far as him being a love interest goes, his route made me cry tears of genuine frustration and made me want to bash my head against the wall if it isn’t obvious from the montage above. I’m probably giving him more grief than he deserves but nevertheless his route left me very unamused and very salty.

9. Chojiro (Nightshade)

Like V, Chojiro isn’t a bad guy but his route and personality makes me cry genuine tears of frustration. His route was terribly written; there’s no character development, no closure is given, and the angst and tragedy felt cheap and flavourless. Gekka’s route deals with almost the exact same plot points as Chojiro’s route except... one hundred times better. I honestly wish Ieyasu got a route instead of Chojiro, and it hurts to admit but I think Nightshade would have been a better game if they omitted Chojiro’s route entirely. 

8. Kim Yoosung (Mystic Messenger)

I remember when I first started playing mystic messenger, back when I didn’t know anything, I thought V was shady af  so I was genuinely respectful of Yoosung because he seemed to be the only one with any damn common sense and didn’t just trust V blindly.

But then V’s route dropped and it took Yoosung’s very grounded suspicions of V and cranked it up from “suspicious” to outright “whiny victim blamer” where he outright accuses V of being the reason why Rika committed suicide. What the fuck? That’s horrible. He constantly implies that V didn’t do enough for Rika, that he should have tried harder, he should have saved her, that him being a bad boyfriend was what pushed Rika to suicide and LIKE????? how about you S t o p @ Yoosung??? And I get it, he’s 18/19, his wounds from Rika’s death are still fresh and he can’t help but deal with his grief in an incredibly harmful and immature way. But just because I understand that that doesn’t mean I have to forgive him for it, let alone like him LMFAO.

7. Kagiha (Psychedelica of the Black Butterfly)

Apparently Kagiha is pre well liked from what I’ve seen LOL. But once again, other people may like him but that doesn’t mean I have to. His entire character revolves around the heroine and he has no motivation or wish outside of his love for the heroine, a love which honestly felt incredibly shallow. He refers to Ai as “the woman he loves!” but like??? fam you barely even know her. He latches onto their childhood promise of marriage and it almost feels like he’s using it as a tool to corner Ai so she can’t reject him. And it didn’t end up catastrophically because Ai did reciprocate his feelings, but what if she didn’t? What if she grew out of that childhood promise and didn’t want to be more than friends? I don’t even want to imagine how he’d take it because I doubt it’d be pretty. Everything about their relationship felt superficial and shallow.

6. Ikki (Amnesia) 

There is a fine difference between “making someone wait” and “standing them up on every single fucking date” and this fucker very much adheres to the latter. His character is uninteresting and his route ended up being a chore to get through. He’s not a bad guy at heart but as far as him being a love interest goes, I wouldn’t have a one night stand with him even if you paid me to.

5/4. Meyoyoyoyoyo & Orange Juice Von Garibaldi (also known as Mejojo and Auger) (Black Wolves Saga)

Meyoyoyoyo and Auger are freakishly crazy cat twin princes who have a fetish for spending violin playing sessions beating people half to death in torture chambers. How Romantic. Why need OST when you have Auger’s fiddle?

I postponed this post because I had to finish their routes before putting them on this list. I literally reserved a spot on this list for them. Now these two go together because I can’t talk about these motherfuckers unless they are together. Then again, I think I can safely let the montage above do the talking for me. The only reason why they’re not at the top of the list despite making Rika creating a cult look like child’s play is because weirdly enough, their insanity is what makes this game so good. But good writing isn’t going to stop my impending heart stroke when I think about them. Their routes are pretty much there so the writers can not-so-kindly tell us that “love does not redeem everyone” and “some people never change”. Like Ikki, I wouldn’t have a one night stand with either of them even if you paid me to.

3. Jiyeon (Dandelion) 

I have literally nothing more to say other than he’s an abusive asswipe and no lukewarm, “tragic backstory uwuwu” is going to make me like this fucking asshole. like wow “boo hoo someone I loved was murdered right in front of my eyes so I’m gonna take out my pent up anger on this innocent girl who has nothing to do with me :(” “boo hoo I don’t want to get close to this girl I like because I’m scared she might get hurt so I’m gonna be a insufferable jackass so she stays away!” gee where have I seen that before. My bleeding heart can’t take it.

2. Toma (Amnesia)

Haha I bet everyone thought he was going to be first, but nah, he’s second. I’m going to let the montage above do most of my talking. If it isn’t obvious enough by the giant montage above, I bitch about Toma a lot //bricked.

1. Nesso (Black Wolves Saga)

He’s objectively not as abusive or as bad as the douche twins mcGee but unlike the twins, he doesn’t have the proper writing to justify him being gross. Plus, those two get hit with the karma bus if only Rika suffered half as bad of a fate as them while most of Nesso’s antics are swept under the rug, thus he ranks higher than them.

Older brother to the heroine by blood? Check. Madly in love with the heroine to an unhealthy degree? Check. Constantly makes unwanted advances towards her, even when she was a child? Check. Touches and kisses her without her consent all the time in his route??? Check. Does not value the heroine’s autonomy and believes that she can’t think for herself or make her own decisions? Check. Asks the heroine for sexual favours in his good ending because he knows she won’t refuse???? CHECK.

This guy’s behaviour towards the heroine is full blown predatory zone and coming from someone who has an “anything goes” attitude in otome games, his route is so wrong on so many levels. It’s even worse because Fiona never actually gives her consent to any of this, and every time he touches or kisses her she’s just like “why are you doing this to me? aren’t we siblings?”. Nesso’s route is pretty much a glorified encyclopedia on “why incest is bad 101″ and thus he wins the platinum trophy for grossest and worst otome boy I’ve encounter thus far.

[thesocialfables]

“So you met his imaginary ass brother today, huh?” Syn questioned Amina as she wrapped thick glossy lips around the White Owl the group had stuffed with Gelato Cookies.

“Oh, he definitely wasn’t imaginary.” Amina responded, smiling brightly and working to pair the White Owl with a Backwood of Hindu Kush.

“I told you, you was gone like him.” Legacy bragged, working to stuff his ripped Dutch with OG Kush. “He corny as hell, just like yo ass.” He said before ignoring yet another phone call to his phone.

“Why don’t you just turn it off?” Syn asked before showing off her perfectly pearled blunt. “Pay up motherfuckers!”

“Whatever, you get the ripped shit next time.” Legacy said tossing the tragic blunt aside and picking up his phone. “And I can’t. Fuck around my Momma be on the beach screaming my name.”

“So what was his weird-ass name?” Syn asked lighting the blunt. “You still gotta roll that by the way, honey. Otherwise, you ain’t hitting this.”

“Hitting what?” Legacy flirted as Syn rolled her eyes at his charm.

“This,” She said passing the blunt to Amina, before lifting her leg open to tap on her pussy. “Or this.”

Legacy kissed his teeth as Amina answered her question. “Reynard. He almost shit himself talking to me, though.”

The group all laughed as Syn lounged back in the bean bag chair, and lit the second blunt for their rotation. “Reynard? That’s weirder than weird.”

“I like it, it’s distinguished. Better than Rain.” Legacy and Syn both agreed that Rain was better than Reynard and the two of them would be perfectly corny together. “Whatever. He’s super cute too, Syn. Like- I can’t wait to be on some Ghost shit with him at the bookstore.”

“Y’all gone be killing, motherfuckers?” Syn joked as she choked on the smoke from the blunt. While Amina explained she meant the movie, Legacy just shook his head.

Legacy was the baby nobody saw coming. Before he was born, his parents had officially called it quits and had separated. Before a small backslide led to six more years of them trying to make their relationship work. All of his life, his father had lived elsewhere. Whenever the man did spend some time with his boys, it was usually over at their grandmother’s house, since at any given moment Desmond could be involved in some shit that they didn’t need to see. So he grew up on all of the things kids his age considered old.

“How you be knowing all of this shit?” Syn said attempting to pass the blunt. However, Legacy was still trying to work with the ripped cigar. “Just give it here.”

“Naw, I got it.” As Legacy’s lips wrapped around the blunt, Syn watched closely growing wet watching his lips and tongue work the cigar.

“Do Reynard got them lips though?” Syn joked and Amina agreed.

“Oh yes. His might even be a little bigger, though. And sexier, definitely sexier.” Legacy stuck his middle finger up at the girl before sitting back on the couch inside Amina’s pool house. “So, I’m I getting a neighbor or what?”

“I don’t know. He gotta talk to Moms first. She might let him if Heir says so.” Legacy ignored the two girls’ predictable comments about his older brother, and silenced his phone once more, while he continued talking, “She been babying Rain ever since she had post-partum.”

“How do you know all of this? Ain’t you the baby, Little Man.” Syn teased as Legacy swap blunts with the girl.

“Man, when you got that many kids, adults don’t give a fuck what they say in front of you.” He said, and Amina agreed. Coming for a big family herself she could relate to learning the secrets behind the family secrets before she even knew who they were talking about.

“Why you two just don’t hook up, y’all got so much in common?” Syn questioned and both of her friends looked at her. “Oh, because of me.”

Amina rolled her eyes, while Legacy gave Syn the reassurance she needed to know she was the only girl he was fucking – on this side of the city. “He got a girlfriend though. I ain’t tryna get involved in no drama this summer. I wanna go off to college, guilt-free. Make all my mistakes there, and then bring my ass home.”

While Legacy was of course going to Smithdale University Uptown, Amina was going to Dépänd School of Art in Mamey Grove and Syn would be going all the way to Harmon College in Mason. He didn’t know he had a choice between the two girls when they first invited him over, Amina being more reserved about her intentions with the boy compared to Syn. However, when Legacy heard she was going miles away for school – he chose to spend his time down at the beach in Syn before going off to college.

“Oh, you finally texting her back?” Syn asked as the group swap blunts and she noticed Legacy texting. “Or is that your Mommy.” She teased.

“Naw, this Karin.” Legacy said with a smile. “She on her lunch break.”

“That’s yo favorite, ain’t it?” Amina asked, noticing the genuine smile on Legacy's face with every push to his screen.

Legacy responded by nodding his head with the same goofy smile Amina now couldn’t get out her head, “I been fucking with Karin since I knew what to do with it.”

“What?” Syn asked sitting up to look Legacy in his eyes. Amina looked over to the girl to see if she detected jealously in her tone, while Legacy didn’t look up until he was done texting Karin back. “What the fuck you doing, sending that bitch a novel?”

“Woah!” Both Legacy and Amina called out with laughter, as Syn tried to walk back her slip up.

“You not, catching feelings are you? This not that. We talked about this.” Amina checked her own phone to avoid being caught between the temporary lover’s quarrel. Especially after Legacy finished up his statement by saying, “And don’t ever call her out her name again.”

“Relax, I’m sorry for offending you and little Miss Karin. I was just caught off guard. I thought all your bitches were new bitches.”

“Syn, he just said.” Amina sweetly injected, as Syn went to explain she didn’t call Karin a bitch specifically. Legacy just shook his head. He really liked fucking Syn, she treated sex like a bucket list of things she wanted to do before going off to college. It would be a shame to have to cut her off so early in the summer because she couldn’t keep her emotions in check.

“It’s cool. I probably should’ve been more open.” Legacy teased, recanting the ‘rules’ Syn had for him before they began sleeping together. “Only new bitch is you. I’ve been fucking both of them for damn near forever.”

“See, I didn’t know that. That changes things.”

“How?”

“You don’t think they got feelings for you? One more missed phone call and Ta-ta-da-licious gone come find yo ass. And I don’t want that type of drama. Right, Amina.”

“Leave me out of this.” She said before sitting back on the mismatched wicker love seat and focusing on her cell phone and her own entanglements.

“Me too.” Legacy said attempting to pass the blunt to Syn, who just stared at him. He wanted to just call it a night and go back to his father’s house and talk to Karin for the remainder of her break, but Syn’s chinky doe-eyes caught him in a trance. “Karin got a real boyfriend, so you ain’t gotta worry about her.”

“And the other one.”

“She ain’t even got a car.”

“Neither did you a few weeks ago.” Amina added. As Syn tried to use her comment to justify her jealous, Legacy stared at Amina.

“See, you was supposed to be on my side. Now, I’m not giving you Reynard number.”

“You weren’t giving it to me anyway!” Amina shouted sitting up, as Legacy leaned in to switch blunts with her instead of Syn, he showed her a text from Rain saying it was okay if he gave the girl his number. “Oh my god! Syn, be nice.”

“Damn, bitch, you that thirsty for some dick?” She shot before standing. “Gimme my blunt, I’m going home before Little Man gets the spot blown up.” Amina rolled her eyes before passing the girl her White Owl back. “If y’all can just pick names now, why the fuck would you keep Little Man, little man.”

“Man shut the fuck up and take yo hurt ass home. Don’t nobody smoke no fucking White Owl anyway.” Amina tried not to laugh as she sat back and worked on her message to Rain.

“I bet you would like it if I went home. Test the product before you send it off to your brother. That’s what you do, right?”

“It was hard not to tell him I already met Heaven’s fine ass.”

“And don’t tell him how old you is either.”

“Why not?”

“Reynard do not break no rules.”

“Well, shit how old is he?”

“It don’t even matter. You say 17, he gone say too old for you.”

“Really?” Syn spoke up, breaking Amina and Legacy’s laughter.

“I’m not finna chase you, Syn. My dick good, it’s okay. Now stop trippin’ and sit down.” Amina rolled her eyes before heading into her bedroom inside the pool house, while Legacy motioned for Syn to sit next to him on the couch. “Or you can go home, flick your bean, and just wish you was still here with me.”

“You stink.” Juliette’s voice called, causing Legacy’s eyes to open. Taking in the view of his new-old bedroom, he dodged the sun from his splitting headache. He had no idea how he ended up back at his mother’s house. “Why you in my house, anyway?”

“Dang, Momma.” He said sitting up slowly and quickly checking to make sure there wasn’t a girl somewhere inside the room with him. “I was only supposed to be gone for a few weeks. You and your little boyfriend kicking me out now?”

“Don’t worry about me and mines. What you looking for? A girl. I already put her out.” Legacy just stared at his mother. He may have been fucked up, but he was 100% sure his mother was not this clam after finding another girl in his room this month.

“No Momma, I’m not. I actually kinda missed you.” Legacy spoke, it was the truth. He wanted to come and see the woman yesterday when he asked about coming to get some more of his clothes. But she claimed she wouldn’t be home and sent Rain instead.

“Boy, save that shit for your little girlfriend. You ain’t missed shit but a bath. Get up and get that fucking car out of my driveway. And now, not later. Matter fact, get yo ass back in it and go back to your Daddy’s house.” Legacy chuckled to himself as he listened to his mother continue to talk about him as she headed up the stairs of his house.

Grabbing his keys, he followed his mother’s orders and headed outside to move his car. Stepping out into the sun, Legacy felt like a vampire as he shielded his eyes and rubbed his head to soothe his splitting headache. That was until he heard,

“Oh shit! The champ is here!” from the porch of his brothers’ house next door. Legacy had no idea what Dasun was screaming about. Looking back at his mother’s house, he figured she’d be okay for a few minutes as he walked over to the porch.

“What you talking about?” Legacy questioned, cuing Shadow and Dasun’s laughter.

“Yo ass really was fucked up last night, huh?” Heaven questioned, as Legacy looked at three of his older brothers – utterly confused.

“Okay, what happened for real? Cause he shouldn’t know shit.”

“Oh is that’s a house arrest joke?” Heaven defended himself, before continuing, “So why the fuck you call me first?”

“Call you for what?” Legacy questioned over Shadow and Dasun’s laughter.

“You gotta come get me, Heaven. I don’t wanna die.” Shadow teased, recanting Legacy’s after-hours distress call he put out to all his brothers.

“Just don’t tell Heir. He ain’t gone let Reynard come live with me.” Dasun finished up before laughing uncontrollably.

“And when the fuck did you start calling him Reynard?” Heaven asked in-between his own laughs.

“When he fucked up apparently.” Shadow answered before he and Dasun went back to laughing over each other.

“Man,” Legacy said checking for his mother while his brothers teased him. Before stepping closer to Heaven, who had found the perfect spot on the porch to stay out of their mother’s view.

“Naw, move Big Man! This spot only works for one nigga.” Heaven said pushing him away.

“Would you fucking clowns just tell me what happened?” Legacy asked stepping back to look at his brothers all laughing at him, with tears forming in their eyes.

“Oh shit, you alive?” Rain asked stepping outside. Even his girlfriend, Kendie, seemed to know how Legacy had gone from fucking Syn on Amina’s couch to waking up in his old bedroom smelling like 1942 and sourdough bread.

“Will you tell me what happened?” He asked, but Rain’s eyes diverted to Kendie, trailing behind him.

“I just know how much you love me, bro.” Legacy accepted Rain’s joke, simply because it obviously had something to do with girls and he couldn’t explain it all in front of Kendie.

“Whatever, nobody told Heir, though right?”

“How you think you got here? I couldn’t come to get you.” Heaven said and Legacy began to throw a fit while his brothers all laughed at him. Pulling his phone out of pocket to see if there was something in it that could point him in the direction he needed to piece together his missing hours.

“Stop teasing him.” Karin’s voice filled the porch as she whispered through the house’s screen door to avoid being detected by Juliette.

“Hold on, I know you didn’t sleep in there.”

“Relax slugger. She slept in my room.” Heaven said igniting the porch’s laughter as Legacy slipped inside to talk to Karin since his brothers were going to be no help in helping him understand what happened last night.

“I did not. Well, I did sleep here. But not in Heaven’s room. Kendie and Rain – Reynard – slept on the couch.”

“That’s what he said his name was.” Legacy said, knowing he could trust Karin with anything.

“So you did introduce him to that girl. I thought you fucked her, already?” Karin inquired. She had been trying to figure out what Legacy had been up to down at his father’s since a Facetime call was interrupted by his late-night smoke buddies.

“She’s not my type.”

“Oh, so she single.”

“What happened!” He called for Karin to tell him, as he sat down on the couch to figure it all out himself, texting Amina first and then looking over his messages to Karin.

“Okay, easy killer. Tanika threw TaKisha a party last night. I guess she ended up getting into Smithdale after all.”

“What?” Legacy said. Now, much more concerned with that news than whatever happened.

“Yeah, guess y’all gone be seeing each other more than you thought.” Legacy shook his head while keeping his eyes on Karin’s petite frame as she disappeared into the kitchen for a moment. “Anyway. You must’ve shown up to her party around one or two. You called me after I got off at 4:30 and said your brothers wouldn’t come to get you and you were too fucked up to drive. I had my sister drive me over there, picked you up, got in your car and I brought you back here. I was gonna gone home myself, but that bitch took my car out west.”

“How the fuck you getting your car back?”

“Well,” She started and Legacy shook his head. “Don’t. I literally picked you up from another bitch’s house.”

“Fair enough.” Legacy said still going through his phone to figure out what else he had done.

“Apparently you and him fought, like y’all always do.”

“Well, you need to keep your boyfriend on a leash.” Karin just stared at Legacy. He was the one who started the fight.

“You just need to leave big boy drugs to the big boys.” She said before heading back into the kitchen.

“Why y’all keep talking in riddles?” He called to the girl, looking at all the Snaps he had taken from the party. Thankfully, not one had Karin, TaKisha, or Syn in them. Even fucked up, he was still player of the year.

“You took some Pure last night. And nobody called Heir.” Legacy relaxed a little, as Karin passed him a cup of coffee, an aspirin, and a quickly made breakfast sandwich of scrambled eggs, cheese, and a sausage patty. Legacy took the aspirin and coffee but refused the sandwich, “You gone want something on your stomach when you start going through withdrawals.”

“Withdrawals?”

“What you think Prue is? It’s Molly and Coke, you gone have withdrawals. Unless your little thotiana hooked you up with another pill.”

“At least, Heir don’t know.” Legacy said sipping his coffee

“Well, he was there.” In a dramatic response, Legacy spit the coffee out and Karin screamed. From the porch, he could hear his brothers laughing – assuming Karin had got to the part when Heir locked the boy in a room by himself to wait for Karin to come to get him.

“Why was he there?” Legacy asked as Karin closed the door to drown out his brothers’ laughter.

“It was a party, and he sells drugs. Look, Deangelo on his way to get me from my Aunts.”

“I can take you home.”

“Can you take me to get my car?” Legacy paused for a moment. He had nothing to do and wouldn’t mind driving the girl to West Catlin to get her car from her trifling sister, but that felt like a boyfriend’s job. “Exactly.”

“I’ll do it.” He said, mostly because he didn’t want Karin to leave just this second and wanted to spend time with her since he was sober.

“Thanks, Little Man, but- Deangelo already don’t believe that I’m not with you. And after y’all childish ass fight, he could use the win.” Legacy rolled his eyes thinking about Karin’s boyfriend. What he said last night to Syn was true. He had lost his virginity to Karin, but he had also been beefing with her boyfriend Deangelo since then. “When did you and TaKisha start fucking around again anyway? Cause I still ain’t even seen a carpet fiber from your momma house.”

“You always at work.” Legacy mumbled and Karin smiled, before leaning in to kiss his cheek.

“I don’t have to work tonight or tomorrow. Soon as I come back, and ditch Deangelo. I’ll take you to my nephew's garage.”

“He got some fucking heat in there yet?”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.” She said grabbing her purse and heading towards the back of the house to escape without Juliette spotting her. “Also,” She said doubling back to whisper in Legacy’s ear. “TaKisha has been fucking with Quentin, lately. But then again you probably knew that. That’s why you fucking her, witcho side piece ass. Bye!”

“Bye.” Legacy flatly said watching Karin leave the house. “Wait, what?” He called back to her. However, Karin was long gone. Looking over his shoulder to make sure the door was close and Heaven couldn’t overhear him, Legacy called TaKisha to speak directly to the source.

“What?” TaKisha answered the phone after two rings, however, her tone made it clear she was not happy to hear from the boy.

“What you mad at me or something?” He said playing it cool and moving back towards the kitchen.

“You ruined my party by fighting your ex-bitches boyfriend. Then your brother had to lock you up like a fucking animal because you wouldn’t clam down. On top of that, you called me Karin, Syn, and Amina. Whoever the fuck they are. Then you told me it didn’t matter what my name was anyway. Because you were just gone forget us all when you go off to college. The same college I’m going to by the way.”

“Congratulations?”

“What do you want, Legacy?”

“I wanna make it up to you.” He said leaning on the kitchen’s island, and looking towards the front door to make sure it was still closed.

“Oh really? How the fuck you gone do that Legacy? I don’t want your little dick after you done showed it to everybody.”

“I really hope you mean figuratively.”

“No, literally nigga. I told you not to take that shit. But you were too focused on Deangelo to even hear me.”

“I’m sorry, Kisha. Please let me make it up to you.”

“How, nigga? You fucking embarrassed me. You lucky my boyfriend wasn’t there. I didn’t even ask you to come.”

“You called me like 100 times.”

“For Heir’s number, motherfucka. If you weren’t so busy ignoring me, you would’ve known that.” Legacy just shook his head, thinking to himself So why would I just show up to your party? Especially, after I had just got me some ass. “I told you to stay your high ass down at the beach. You were already done when you finally called me back. But nope. Nobody can ever tell Little Man, shit.”

“That fucking moonshine.” Legacy mumbled to himself, reminded that after he and Syn finished fucking, Amina came out of her bedroom with a bottle of the strong liquor for them to drink. “So, how you get Heir number?”

“Legacy, I’mma talk to you later.” Before she could hang up, Legacy begged her to stay on the phone. Admitting that he was just trying to understand what happened last night. “We both know how I got Heir number. You know I’m dating Quentin now, that’s the only reason why you so interested me. That, and the fact, Karin dumbass stuck here working at that warehouse and ain’t got no time for your bullshit no more. Go fuck your brother and leave me alone.”

“Aye!” Legacy called out. She was right. The only reason why he started having sex with TaKisha, to begin with, was that her older sister was Tanika, Heaven’s girlfriend. And as quiet as it was kept, Heaven had tried to talk to TaKisha first, but she was too young for him. So he settled with Tanika. And now with TaKisha dating one of his oldest friends, it was like Legacy was doubling down on pissing Heaven off. “I told you I wanna make it up to you. But if you just gone be mean, I guess I’ll just talk to you later.”

“You still ain’t told me how you gone make it up to me, nigga.”

“Wanna go to the beach?”

Even Legacy believed staying with Desmond would be a cakewalk, but he was still trying to prove himself to Juliette with rules almost as ridiculous as hers. So Legacy didn’t even bother with trying to sneak TaKisha into his father’s house with all the alarms he had set up to alert him of Legacy’s comings and goings.

“Can we not go in the house?” TaKisha asked as they sat in the driveway. “You could’ve took me back home if that was the case.”

Legacy just sighed heavily, as he wanted for Amina to text him back. Although she and Syn had been friends longer than him and her, she was cool as hell, offering her pool house up to Legacy to use whenever he wanted. Since he couldn’t have girls over past a certain hour at Desmond’s. He was just waiting for her to give him the go-ahead. Afraid that Syn would forget what they discussed and show up to ruin everything.

On the other hand, with all the complaining TaKisha had done all day long, he was wondering was all of this really worth getting under Heaven’s skin. Legacy respected all of his older brothers, even Shadow. Heir took to the streets to provide for them after Desmond was locked up, while Dasun was the family’s protector ready to beat whoever he had to up for the boys, and Shadow as like Mr. Mom – since he was cooking and cleaning up behind his babies anyway. While living with Heaven, was hell. Stuck in the middle flying under Juliette’s radar, Heaven got away with murder. Starting little fires to distract their mother from the bullshit he was up to behind her back. While Rain had grown up to just accept this was the way things were, Legacy never forgave Heaven for the beating he got after Juliette rushed home early one day to find Legacy and Karin alone in their apartment. Meanwhile, Heaven was stealing her house key to make his own copy, so he could come and go in the dead of the night while she was sleeping.

“Come on,” Legacy spoke to TaKisha after Amina finally texted him back. She assured him that Syn wouldn’t be a problem as the two were going Uptown to a nightclub and the pool house was all his. “And don’t ask me a bunch of questions. Last time I kicked it with you, we was stuck in a living room with your dying uncle.”

“He is not dying. It’s just an oxygen tank.” To get through the rest of the night, Legacy just envisioned the look on Heaven’s face when he found out that he was fucking his best friend’s girl. “Damn, your Daddy rich as hell. We going in here?” TaKisha commented along their walk through the backyard and down to the beach.

“Didn’t I say don’t ask questions?” Legacy said, peeking through the window of their pool house to see if it was still unlocked. At this point, he’d fuck her right on the sand just to shut her up.

“I ain’t know you were serious.” were TaKisha’s final words as she quietly followed Legacy down the beach towards Amina’s pool house. “Can I talk at least?” She questioned once they were inside. However, Legacy was done with hearing her voice as he grabbed her waist tightly and pushed his lips against hers. Parting her lips with his tongue, Legacy multitasked kissing her with lifting the girl’s body to sit her on the counter of the kitchenette and reaching up her skirt to pull down her panties. “Fuck,” TaKisha moaned out as Legacy’s kisses moved down below. “Legacy,” She moaned out. At first, he thought it was from the work his tongue was putting in. That was until she called it three more times in a row before pulling his head from between her legs.

As Legacy went to question what she could possibly want now, He noticed Amina and Syn standing in the doorway of her bedroom. As Syn began laughing loudly, Amina spoke up. “I thought you meant, in like an hour or something. We haven’t left yet.”

“You said go head.” Legacy spoke getting off his knees, as TaKisha slid off the counter to stand behind him.

“Yeah, ‘go head’, in like an hour or something. You didn’t even say you were back, already.” While Syn just continued to laugh, Amina figured she’d be the adult in the situation and introduce them. “I’m Amina, and this my girlfriend-”

“Symera.” Syn spoke, stepping closer to shake TaKisha’s hand, but Amina pulled her back.

“Don’t mind us, we were just getting ready to leave. Just lock the door behind you.”

“Oh, but baby,” Syn said playing along with Amina’s lie. “Wouldn’t you rather stay here and finally get to know, TaKisha right? Little Man talks about you practically all the time. We can stay for just a little while right babe?”

“Naw, y’all should get going. Maybe another time.” Legacy spoke up eyeing Syn.

“Legacy cut it out. You said you were trying to make up ruining my party. So far all we did was eat salty ass pretzel and stare at the ocean. We could’ve done that on the boardwalk.” TaKisha spoke up, excited to get to know anybody close to the boy that was not one of his lying ass brothers.

“We have a reservation though, honey. Maybe next time you’re here.” Amina said pulling Syn towards the door.

“We can cancel them, babe. Please, just for a little while.” Syn asked pulling out a blunt and sitting down on the couch she and Legacy had just fucked on less than 24 hours ago. “You smoke?” She said as she patted the seat next to her for TaKisha to take. “You could just go home, Little Man. I’m sure she’d have more fun with us anyway.”

“Get your girl, Amina.” Legacy said as Amina just shook her head. She was officially out, as she just went into her bedroom. She attempted to save Legacy once more, by slamming the door behind her. Hoping that would convince TaKisha that they should go.

“Don’t worry about her. She’s all bark and no bite. We wanna meet our puppies?” Syn said with a conniving smile.

“I love puppies!”

“How you explain this, crazy?” Legacy asked cornering Syn in the kitchen after TaKisha went outside to talk to Quentin. One blunt had turned into two. And those two blunts turned into shots and a conversation Legacy thought would never end.

“How come, you never went down on me?”

“I don’t just put my mouth on everybody.”

“Good thing I do then, huh?” Syn asked leaning into Legacy’s face and blowing him a kiss. “Relax it's not like its Karin. You shouldn’t care anyway, right?”

“You know fucking you wasn’t as crazy as you are, I’d stop fucking with you.”

“Please, you not gone stop fucking with me because you don’t even know what you want.”

“I know I what I want.” Legacy said. His voice was firm as an indication that he was not impressed by Syn’s actions, yet his eyes raked over the girl’s body quickly sucking the air out of the room as Syn reluctantly smirked at Legacy’s intense gaze.

“Oh really?” She purred adjusting her body to face Legacy inside the kitchen. “So how come Ta-ta-da-licious has now seen your new house, spent the day with you at the pier, and met your bestie back there. Meanwhile, your favorite is where exactly? Do you even know?”

“Shit, did I say something to you when I was drunk?” Legacy asked, peeking out the window to see TaKisha on the phone. He couldn’t hear the girl, but from her body movements, he believed she was arguing with her boyfriend.

“You mostly talked about Reynard. You’re pretty lonely in that house, huh?” Legacy looked at her. And Syn grew silent for a moment. She was used to drinking moonshine with Amina, but it was clear now that Legacy was not. “I’m sorry, you really don’t remember, huh? I promise I didn’t do this not because I’m jealous. We told you not to go to that party. You don’t want that girl, Little Man. You just mad at Heaven because he spending all his time with Rain now.”

“What the fuck? That’s even true.” Legacy said walking away from Syn and heading towards the door to go outside with TaKisha.

“I’m sorry, you said it not me.” Legacy quickly turned around to tell Syn she was wrong, but he didn’t need to say the words. Obviously, his drunken heart had spoken words his sober mind wasn’t ready to hear aloud. “Okay. Look, me and Amina about to leave. Don’t be mad at me. I thought I was kinda helping by cockblocking. But if we all,” She spoke with emphasis, hoping Amina would come back her up so she didn’t seem like she was just making this all up to be a hater. “Just gone act like you didn’t just pour your heart out about your brothers, then fine, keep doing you. Long as it includes doing me. Until you and your boo thang go off to Smithdale.”

As Legacy went to still tell Syn how wrong she was, Amina finally came out of her bedroom to add to the conversation. “She’s right, Little Man. You got pretty emotional about Reynard, and being alone. Then you said were going to her party to fuck her and her sister since Heaven couldn’t leave the porch to stop you.”

“Finally, thank you, babe. Your dick is good and everything, but I would much rather be your friend. You love Karin and your brother, I get that. That’s why I know you do not wanna do this.”

Legacy paused for a moment, looking at both Syn and Amina. He absolutely was lonely down here on the beach without his brothers, and that time he spent with them today was probably the most fun he had all summer. “What the fuck I’mma do when I go to Smithdale?”

“It’s not that long of a drive.” Amina answered rationally, while Syn spat out,

“Ta-ta-da-licious will be there to keep you safe.”

As Syn laughed and apologized once again, Legacy rolled his eyes before opening the door and stepping outside to check on TaKisha. Just in time to hear her telling Quentin everything from where she was to who she was with. With tears forming in her eyes, and Quentin’s voice booming through the receiver, Legacy smirked a little. His dirty work was over, all he had to do now was return to sender.

That was until his phone began buzzing with texts from Heaven;

Q don’t fight Big Man, hope Desmond down there teaching how to shoot

This gotta be the dumbest shit you’ve ever done. All because of a whopping you got at 14?

You better call Heir, cause they only Heaven that can help you now is God’s

[roccoroks]

VOLUME 5 DAG POST SO ANOTHER ROD RUN HAS COME AND GONE AND IT HAS LEFT ME IN THE WAKE OF DISGRUNTELED GUEST OVER PARKING , ROOMS WITH BROKEN REFRIDGERATORS AND SEVERAL LOST ITEMS IN NEED OF BEING RETURNED TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERS. SEVERAL THINGS HAPPENED THIS TIME AND I WILL TRY AND KEEP THINGS AS STRAIGHT AS MACH STYLES SEXUAL ORIENTAION SO BARE WITH ME! It was your typical rod run this spring in that there were classic cars as far as the eye could see, toilets were overflowing with the stench of nearly dead guests last dinners from the golden coral and I for the first time in 3 years had the day off to enjoy ………at work……even in my down time I have to come here….sux. The time is 4:30 pm, it officially hawt as bawls outside and im watching the desk while my new manager “monty” dips out for a bite to eat. The door opens and im faced with a loud, demanding, hateful women from PA….so a normal woman from PA….who is mad about parking. Me: *gee, I really hope the next 30 mins goes smoo….. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL! IT REEKS OF BITCH!* CLAB: *Crazy Loud Ass Bitch* umm….theres a man outside that’s saying that if I don’t move my car then he will have it towed or he will park his truck in front of it until Monday and called me a bitch……(ME: honestly I stopped paying attention to her at this point)……or im going to call the cops. Me: *fuck you karam, just because I like to rub vasoline all over my butt cheeks and press it against businesses plate glass windows in downtown under the cover of darkness, I have to deal with this?* CLAB: so…..what are you going to do about it? Im paying 175.00 a night and I feel I should beable to park where ever I want! Me: *you are the same bitch from last year aren’t you…* mam im really sorry about this but during the rod run we have over 5000 people and cars come into town and parking can get a bit limited. CLAB: WELL DON’T YOU THINK THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM? Me: *oooooooh so we are going to go down this long road of stupidity?* like I said, mam, parking can get a bit hectic during these shows and we expect everyone to govern them selfs. CLAB: look you NEED to go out there and talk to this man or im going to report you to your manager. Me: *ah hellnah! Bitch you did not just…….. >.> i cant believe you just...how dare.....i may pee on you* Me: ok, lets go *get this over with* *we both walk out to the parking lot where im am greeted buy a mid 40’s male who knows me from years of rod runs and he seems to have been drinking and is in no mood for this ladies bullshit, I know because he says so in this dialog ^.^ * CLAB: this is the guy that spoke to me like I was trash Me: *because you do infact smell of a garbage bag filled with diapers that someone threw up on and set on fire....because thats what bitch smells like* DD: *drunk dude* look I never said any of that shit to you, your just making it up Me: but we haven’t even discussed what you said yet….never mind, look, why is it a problem for her to be parked here CLAB: *interrupts* oh there’s no problem, he just wants this parking spot to himself DD: look, my tools are in my truck and I need to work on my car and I don’t want to have to walk across the parking lot to get my tools every 5 mins Me: *and a long stager it must be 25 feet away! Beside, had you bought a ford instead of that rolling shit box you call a nova that’s more rust that nova, this wouldn’t be a problem* CLAB: that’s not my problem , I need a parking spot and this one was open Me: *5 points to bitchindore!* DD: MY GD CHAIRS WHERE IN THIS SPOT SAVING THEM FOR ME AND YOU JUST…..JUST…..MOVED THEM! LIKE THEY WERE NUTHIN! Me : *shee-took-yur-churrrs! * CLAB: well they were in the way! DD: iv had just about enough of your shit! ME: HO HO HO HO HO HANG ON A MIN! *yelling louder that both of them to convey my point* NOW LOOK, last year I put up two signs and handed out two flyers to ALL of my guests, including you, that 1. Trailers are no longer to be parked on site and 2. That chairs could no longer be used to save parking spots, meaning first come, first park no exceptions! DD:…….. I forgot about that, you did do that CLAB: *shoots a look of “take that bitch” Me: *looks at clab* I also told you on Tuesday when you checked in that this would happen with parking and that you would need to get a spot early to AVIOD THIS! CLAB: I don’t think that’s my problem do you? Me: *omfg if you say that one more motherfucking time* YES, yes it is your problem when I looked right at you and warned you this would happen and you ignored it! Is like I said “hey this coffee is hot, don’t pour it all over your face ok” and you did it anyway and couldn’t figure out why it hurt. CLAB: I just don’t see how this is my problem Me: * o.e there is a special place in hell for people like you! Its called florida* I honestly don’t know what to say. DD: I don’t know why this is such a problem, I mean there is a perfectly good spot open right over there by the pool doors, its closer too. Me: * O.e…..did I just hear a loud pop sound in my head? Why is everything starting to get shaky and I smell burning hair….am I having a aneurism?* did….you just? Surely you did say there is a parking spot right over there….right? DD: yeah, so I don’t see what all the fuss is about! *crosses arms and looks proud of him self CLAB: I don’t want that parking spot I want this one! Me: …….. *looks at both of them in disgust* so what’s wrong then? *both look at me like im a idiot* Me: *clearly im dealing with creatures with undeveloped brains not unlike that of a 5 year old or a form of mild cheese. I may have to get the speak and spell out for them* look, I should be in my office answering the phone and booking reservations for tomorrow night, instead im out here dealing with 2 12 year olds who are fighting over who gets to ride the tricycle next. There is a perfectly good spot right over there that either one of you could park in, its close to the hotel, and its close to your car so THERE IS NO PROBLEM. You two just wanted to be validated in what you both thought was right in your list of personal self-ethics and came and got me, someone half both of your ages to settle your squabble instead of acting like adults! CLAB: who’s your manager, ill have you fired for this! DD: …..mam, this young man is the owner. CLAB: *looks at me* WHY DON’T YOU TELL HIM TO APPOLGISE (or how ever its spelled) TO ME THEN! Me: *really….you are no longer mild cheese, im down grading you to Mexican! (yup, going to hell for that one)* because you started this! You both can’t act like adults and neither one of you deserves it! Look if I have to come back out here and deal with this again, you will both be looking for a lot more than a parking spot for the night! *walks off like a boss!* Meanwhile back in the halls of ‘’fort phone ringing the fuck off the wall’’, I have 12 people trying to call me at the same time Me: good afternoon RSML, how may I help you Dag: umm….yeah….um…hi…um like how much like…you know ….your Me: *come on you can do it* Dag: um….like your 2 room bed suites are? Me: *in what way was that even a fucking sentence….* when are you coming in? Dag: um….. like……you know….that time….next month? Me: hummmmmm that time next month….. Dag: oh! Um….yeah you know….like Saturday? Me: ok getting closer, we narrowed it day to 5 days instead of 31 Dag: oh, um….you like….. Me: *oh for fuck sake* *begins trying to pull my hair out and presses the phone harder to my ear out of frustration* Dag: like…that one Saturday that everyone's coming in? Me: 199.95 +tax Dag: wow that much? Me: *oh now you speak coherently* yes sir Dag: for which Saturday? Me: um like…you know...um...all of them Dag: *hangs up phone* Me: and a fine fuck you to you too sir *hangs up phone and turns around to see a family of 5 behind me* Me: how may I help you? FO5: we will just check somewhere else *walks out the door* Me: normally this would be bad but we are full soo……fuck em…. Monty: *from the back office* you should be nicer, they might have come back Me: really ass, you were back there the whole time and you couldn’t come to help me? Monty: I have a ham sandwich, this take precedent over pot heads asking about rates Me: you know I can fire you right Monty: you wont though Me: ……mother of fuck…..bitch called my bluff Few mins go by and im about to head out for the night when a man that I can only describe as so old that he may have known jesus on a personal level. Me: good after noon, how may I help you? *20 mins later he makes it to the desk* Old Dude: (we will call him OG cuz he gansta!) do you have anyrooms? Me: yes sir ! I have 2 br suites available *maybe this is a cool old dude and my night is turning around for the good* OG: oh good, what that Me: *ah you’re a crazy old man* well that’s our trademark room with 2 queen size beds! OGh I need 2 rooms with 2 beds in each room Me: well I have 2 2bed room suites side by side if that will work for ya? OG: no no no, I only need 4 beds not 8 Me….um…k….well if you get two of our 2 bed room suites then it would accommodate you that would give you 1 queen per bedroom OG: no no no then I would only have 2 beds, I need 4 *he is getting a bit angry…..or tired….or both, idk, hes old and hard to read* Me: I know sir but 1 of our 2br suites will have 2 queen beds OGh ok so that’s 1 room with 4 beds total right? Me: *O.e…wooooooooooooooow….* no sir that’s 2 beds total per room OG I know giving me 4 beds total right? Me: yes….wait no…what? OG: do you even have rooms with 4 beds/ Me: no sir OG: do you have 2 rooms? Me: yes OG: how many beds do they have Me: 2 per rooms OG: so you do have 4 beds per room? Me: whos on first? OG: what? Me: no whats on second, do you want a key so you can look at one of the rooms? OG: yes….wait, what? Me:...here…..*grabs pen and paper* OG: oh….nevermind, that’s not what im looking for ME: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU /RANT . . . . . . . . OR IS IT……

[littlelovelymemes]

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‘  if i’m ever murdered i hope they make the chalk outline of my body hot  ’ ‘  i hope you end up ok  ’ ‘  i’m crying my best  ’ ‘  how fucked up would it be if an astronaut was coming back to earth and everybody hid for a bit  ’ ‘  some kid just skateboarded down my street crying  ’ ‘  do you ever get in an “i don’t know” phase in your life. where you literally don’t have a solid answer to anything. you. just. don’t. know.  ’ ‘  i guess at this point i should just consider dating myself  ’ ‘  which of the three pillars of modern music is your favourite: burnin’ up by the jonas brothers, beautiful soul by jesse mccartney, or lucky by britney spears?  ’ ‘  you know my name… and also my story cause i overshare 24/7 tbh  ’ ‘  @ all of u that hate mint ice cream: what happened  ’ ‘  there is no doubt in my mind i’m really that bitch  ’ ‘  after you hit 21, you start forgetting your age cause ain’t nothing else to look forward to, besides sweet death  ’ ‘  why am i not currently in the italian countryside with a fruit plate wearing a light linen dress? unacceptable  ’ ‘  hands are weird because one of them can do absolutely everything without a problem and the other one can’t even hold a spoon  ’ ‘  remember to drink a fucking shit ton of water every miserable day of ur life  ’ ‘  what the fuck is a good day  ’ ‘  sleeping pattern: ??¿?¿??¿¿¿?¿  ’ ‘  is he………you know…….*makes football throwing motion*….straight?  ’ ‘  does anyone else have a resting bitch face™, but kinda enjoys looking intimidating  ’ ‘  i’m not like most girls [rips off sunglasses]… i like most girls  ’ ‘  time flies when u take a 2hr depression nap in the middle of the day  ’ ‘  roses are red, i’m going to bed  ’ ‘  u know when ur hairs greasy and it makes u feel so so so bad about urself. and ur entire life. everything is awful bc my hair is greasy  ’ ‘  i’m just so glad the word “ugh” was invented  ’ ‘  just another day of loving with all my heart and believing in the universe  ’ ‘  you know when dogs sit outside with their face turned towards the sun and their eyes closed and they look so relaxed and when you pet them they’re warm that’s how I want to feel always  ’ ‘  come into bed and listen to the rain with me  ’ ‘  i hope all my girls out here r safe n being loved  ’ ‘  people are so petty and then here i am, me, an angel,   ’ ‘  i want to have angel wings and be kinder, braver and more tender  ’ ‘  concept: a really nice italian restaurant but it’s spelled “spagooter” on the menu and the waiters won’t take your order unless you pronounce it like that  ’ ‘  i want kids but i’m scared they’ll blame me if they’re ugly  ’ ‘  does anyone have any tips for not thinking about it  ’ ‘  “what’s a queen without her king?” well, historically, better  ’ ‘  i want something that doesn’t taste like alcohol but has a lot of alcohol in it  ’ ‘  i’m alive out of spite  ’ ‘  the beatles wouldn’t even fucking exist if big time rush hadn’t paved the path for them so shut the fuck up  ’ ‘  a bad person? who, me? that would be correct,  ’ ‘  you hate me? wow u think ur hot shit and original huh well i hated me first so u can go grab a number and wait ur turn  ’ ‘  my heart does a little “!” when I see you  ’ ‘  i just want to say from the bottom of my heart i didn’t sign up for this shit  ’ ‘  i deadass lost interest in everything. im just cruising on autopilot rn  ’ ‘  still got love for some people i know i’ll never talk to again.  ’ ‘  my mitochondria clearly aren’t working because this bitch has NO FUCKING ENERGY  ’ ‘  y’all i get attached to people so quickly wth  ’ ‘  i wonder how many strangers hate me bc of how someone else described me to them  ’ ‘  for the 80th year in a row, the song of the summer is Everytime We Touch by Cascada  ’ ‘  it’s weird to think that people who are 5 ft are only 5 subways long ’ ‘  in alcohol’s defense i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too  ’ ‘  man this has been the worst life of my life  ’ ‘  having “feelings” is ruining my reputation of being a heartless bitch  ’ ‘  I Have To Be Dramatic. I Have To  ’ ‘  forgive and forget?? haha no resent and remember  ’ ‘  “you’re obsessed with yourself” and you’re not??? sad. tragic  ’ ‘  are people becoming more annoying or am i becoming more angry  ’ ‘  do my dark under eye circles and unwashed hair turn you on  ’ ‘  KIDS REACT TO existentialism and the inevitability of death  ’ ‘  remember to do your best to be positive with a clear mind and believe in aliens because those motherfuckers are real  ’ ‘  personality: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK  ’ ‘  my gender is “pretty boy”  ’ ‘  what others call a rebellious phase i call the sudden realization i don’t deserve to be treated like garbage  ’ ‘  what is a sex drive? where is the sex going? does it even have a license?  ’ ‘  i don’t want to look “pretty” i want to look otherworldly and vaguely threatening  ’ ‘  i’m not interested in being polite or heterosexual  ’ ‘  do re me fa so done with you  ’ ‘  ctrl alt delete feelings cause i can’t do this shit no more  ’ ‘  i may seem like an asshole, but deep down i’m a good person and even deeper down i’m a bigger asshole  ’ ‘  should i go back to school tomorrow or should i fling myself into the ocean  ’ ‘  am i too judgemental or is everyone annoying: an autobiography by me  ’ ‘  are we gonna fuckn hold hands tonight or what bitch  ’ ‘  i love drunk me but i don’t trust her  ’ ‘  has anyones crush ever actually worked out for them or is that a myth?  ’ ‘  i say “fight me” a lot for a girl who is 5′3″ and has a hard time opening some doors because they’re too heavy  ’ ‘  if i had a dollar for every time someone called me ugly i’d have 0 dollars bitch u thought lmao  ’ ‘  my last words will probably be sarcastic  ’ ‘  i used to be a straight a student. now i’m not even straight  ’ ‘  ever wonder how different your life would be if that one thing never happened  ’ ‘  single and ready to find aliens  ’ ‘  it’s very important that i am both cute and powerful  ’ ‘  i want to make friends but at the same time no  ’ ‘  there’s a special place in hell reserved just for me, it’s called the throne  ’ ‘  hi i’m here to ruin everything  ’ ‘  i’m glad dogs can’t read the ‘no dogs allowed’ signs so they don’t feel sad and feel left out  ’ ‘  we’re all better and gayer people than we used to be  ’ ‘  every time i speak i am reminded why i should not  ’ ‘  every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough  ’ ‘  i don’t know what i’m feeling but there is a lot of it  ’ ‘  the rumors are true: i’m soft and i just want to be loved  ’ ‘  i’m like a hexagon: all my hecks r gone  ’ ‘  we all know that one person you get sexually frustrated just looking at  ’ ‘  i wonder what it feels like to know what the fuck is going on  ’ ‘  my kink: not having to set an alarm for the next morning  ’ ‘  on the bright side, at least i am not addicted to cocaine  ’ ‘  they called me stupid?? well joke’s on them i don’t even know what that means  ’ ‘  i might get a lot of shit for saying this but i think it’s fun to enjoy things  ’ ‘  i’m the nicest, sweetest, most rage-filled person i know  ’ ‘  assert your dominance by calling your friends by their student id number  ’ ‘  there she goes again, being over dramatic and by she, i mean me  ’ ‘  if u don’t know how to respond to something just say ‘how dare you’  ’ ‘  um that’s u’re* not ur  ’ ‘  i wonder what it feels like to know what the fuck is going on  ’ ‘  so sick of looking at my purse and not seeing $20,000  ’ ‘  literally want to be rich for the clothes  ’ ‘  me??? upset???? yes constantly  ’ ‘  a good gender neutral term to use is ‘fool’  ’ ‘  today’s schedule: suffer  ’ ‘  my middle name is actually $$  ’ ‘  don’t u hate it when u wake up and ur awake  ’ ‘  i want someone who will light a fire in me  ’ ‘  i want someone who will light me on fire  ’ ‘  i’m too cute for 90% of the shit i go thru  ’ ‘  who needs therapy when you can Realize™ things about yourself alone at 1 am  ’ ‘  why is there so much blood in my alcohol system  ’ ‘  no offense but i am a blessing to this earth  ’ ‘  haha oops i care about you  ’ ‘  they call me calcium because i give everyone strong bones  ’ ‘  do you have that one person that you can’t look at when you’re trying to be mad at them because they’re so cute??  ’ ‘  hi i’m here to ruin everything  ’ ‘  one day i’m gonna say ‘fight me!’ and someone’s just gonna fuckin deck me  ’ ‘  me? a jealous hoe? absolutely  ’ ‘  it’s raining but it’s not men so what’s the point  ’ ‘  i think i may be gayer than i originally planned  ’ ‘  i can’t hang out tomorrow i’m too busy doing nothing alone sorry  ’ ‘  me? overreacting? shit probably  ’ ‘  i would like to publicly announce that i have no idea what i’m doing  ’ ‘  is there a scholarship for trying  ’ ‘  me?? using sarcasm as a defense mechanism??????? what?????  ’ ‘  i don’t know what i’m feeling but there is a lot of it  ’ ‘  i require a lot of attention or you get a lot of attitude  ’ ‘  “what the fuck” is an emotion now and it’s the only one i have  ’ ‘  you’re important to me, you piece of shit  ’