#Yes patience is necessary but I think we need to have more empathy for the French fans

[royalarchivist]

I love all the lullabies Baghera ever sang to Pomme, but this will always be my favorite one. :')

Tu vas nous manquer Pomme, notre Manzanita. 🍎💙

[pazodetrasalba]

One from the Heart

Dear Caroline:

I finished your book recommendation yesterday. As it usually happens, it has grown on me, although I am still of two minds about it. Even though making a review is a judgmental act at its essence, Rosenberg will have to forgive me as I give my thoughts and evaluations about its contents.

On the plus side, I feel like this is a book with a strong kernel of truth in it, and one that I am going to try to apply in my relationships. Not much can go wrong from trying to be empathetic and generous to others - my own natural inclinations point in this way anyway, although it would never have occurred to me to go along this path of detecting emotion - formulating need and request, and of trying to read others so intently.

I can also guess (there's the thinking again!) about why you would it so likeable in spite of the woo wishy-washiness it conveys at times. At the core, the book is pretty utilitarian: avoid judgements, avoid anger at the breaking of moral rules, avoid categorizing.

Phrasing the good more in NVC language: when I read this book, I feel happy and moved because I have a need of giving and being given to from the heart, empathically.

But I also have some misgivings about it. Besides the lack of non-subjective evidence presented (this is, after all, a self help book, nor a scientific paper), I think my biggest gripe is similar to yours. My intuition is that NVC probably works very well at the individual and/or small group level (modulo developing lots of empathy and patience towards others, and making conversations like x10 longer) but it probably doesn't scale up well. Once you are in a complex community beyond some numbers threshold with different time constraints and opportunity costs for efficiency, there is just going to be a significant chunk of people who you can't reasonably expect to persuade and bring over to this within a realistic framework and time-constraint. One can't do without rules. Going even deeper, I feel like I do not share the axiomatic principles about human nature that Rosenberg is building his foundations on. My unscientific take would be something like this: yes, we have some predisposition to empathy and connection (we are a social animal after all), but that frequently conflicts with a deeper-rooted instinct for self-preservation and advancement, with the whole of human history being a dialectic of these two. Some people can be really disinterested in extinguishing the fires of the ego, but most won't until human nature experiences a substantial change.

While pondering on this I was reminded a little bit of Confucianism, which has some nice bits I enjoy. One of its core tenets is a belief in de, a sort of charismatic auctoritas that arises from being really morally virtuous and others consequently following you and behaving better in your company as a result. Confucianism's political utopia is for the most virtuous to rule, and ideally, for him or her to be able to skew all forms of coercion and potestas. In practice, though, even the most Confucians have had to rely heavily on some degree or other on the stick.

There are other things you mention in passing that I also think about, like the way its seems to exonerate wrongdoers (that's the deontologist speaking in me, but you yourself touched upon this. Some actions are so violent and traumatizing that you can't really expect me to avoid establishing a necessary link between action suffered and feeling. Rosenberg is too stoic for my taste). As for conflicts in needs, the implicit corollary for me is something like 'very subtly shaming the other until one of you is willing to empathize a bit more and accept putting one of the conflicting needs (his or hers) in the waiting line'. Or a trial by exhaustion. I am sure you could illustrate some of the book's limitations through economic and game theory ideas.

Still, I don't want to end on a sour note. I genuinely liked the book and am pondering about its message. I think it's at least partially right in its advice to avoid prejudgments and on trying to force people to do the right thing, and that we can really open up to others when we feel listened to. And a take I will try to implement is changing my language a bit in these letters I write to you. I fear sometimes I might have sounded judgmental and essentialist, even when I was trying to be complimentary to you. I'll end by trying to phrase myself better:

When I read your posts, I feel elated, because I feel a need to connect with interesting, valuable and unusual thoughts and ideas and the people (and their needs) behind them, and to grow and challenge my preconceptions. So I am really grateful to you, Caroline, for making it possible.

[archivistsammy]

I want to start by saying that I am a Dean-coded Dean Girl through and through, and this post pains me to write. But after sitting through the character assassination that is season 8 and the few aggravating choices that start out season 9, I need to get some shit off my chest about THEE Dean Winchester. 

I can’t stand this scene. This interaction. One of my biggest complaints about season 8, which I touched on a bit in my very first post about the season, was Dean’s noticeable lack of empathy. He gets out of Purgatory cold, distant, and with zero patience for anyone who is not himself or Benny. And I don’t just mean Sam, who he is decidedly foul towards, but towards Cas and Kevin and Garth, too. While I can absolutely make allowances for some of his behavior (a lot of it, even), the fact the season never encourages Dean (or viewers) to think critically about how he behaves is such a huge failing. And the fact that fans of season 8 believe this is Dean at his most pure, Dean at his most himself...while simultaneously reveling in Castiel’s deathbed assertion that Dean is not in fact a blunt instrument, but someone deeply motivated by love, absolutely boggles my mind. Because throughout season 8, that is how Dean operates: as a blunt instrument. He lacks nuance, care, and consideration, and while this is largely (in my opinion) the result of his traumatic time in Purgatory, Dean is never tasked with coming to terms with what he experienced, nor held accountable for the way his experiences informed his poor treatment of others. 

Kevin, in particular, was shown minimal concern by either brother, but especially not by Dean. Dean talked to Kevin like John likely talked to Dean, and while we are often quick to condemn John for his treatment of his children, I feel it’s equally necessary to level those condemnations at Dean too, because we know what Dean is capable of. We know, especially us Dean Girls, the love that blooms in Dean’s heart, and so seeing his actions and emotional state in season 8 is incredibly difficult to watch. Finding myself repeatedly angry at Dean, disappointed in the things he says and does to others, was not a fun a time. 

And I bring this up because, while Dean does soften some once Cas returns (though not entirely by a long shot) we still see clear evidence of the extent Purgatory robbed him of his empathy, again, notably when it comes to Kevin. And this clearly carries over to this scene in the second episode of season 9.

At first glance, this scene seems sweet. The music wants you to think so, too, starting to play a soft little orchestral number that’s meant to undercut Dean’s apparent sincerity as he tells Kevin he and Sam don’t just need him because he’s useful (even though in season 8 the brothers kept Kevin in deplorable conditions--after he was tortured by Crowley even--in isolation without much apparent care, despite discovering they had a perfectly comfortable and impenetrable bunker they could have moved Kevin to fairly early on in the season, in addition to minimizing his concerns about his mother and Crowley’s influence in his head, and Dean giving him drugs to work faster and harder despite the threat to his health, all in service of being more useful) but because he’s family. As if Dean wouldn’t tear through earth, Heaven, and Hell himself to get Mary back if he thought she was being tortured by demons, leading no real life at all, as he tells Kevin in the above scene when he says he wants to leave to find his mother. 

“You, me, Sam, and Cas--we’re all we’ve got,” Dean insists, as if he isn’t currently lying his ass off to Sam--despite this being the number one sin he levels at him in season 8 while possessed by the specter--and as if he isn’t about to kick a defenseless Castiel out of the bunker in the following episode to maintain his lies to Sam. As if Dean’s efforts to uphold his charade don’t lead to the series of choices that get Kevin himself killed later on in the season. 

Dean may believe, in his own fucked up way, that Kevin is indeed part of his family. That the time they’ve spent together in service of the greater good has bonded them in a way that can only be defined in Dean’s mind in terms of family. And with Dean’s awful childhood and John’s terrible parenting, I could see how he might come to have certain ideas about family and what it means to apply that label that aren’t the most warm and fuzzy. But I also believe wholeheartedly that Dean levels that intimacy at Kevin to manipulate him into staying, and I say this because of how Dean ends the conversation:

This is an incredibly manipulative thing to say, and I think Dean full well knows it. That he’s taking Kevin on a classic guilt trip. Tell me you can’t imagine John saying the same kind of thing when Sam left for Stanford. Tell me you can’t imagine him telling Sam that they are family and they need each other because family is all we have. Tell me John wouldn’t say, “But, hey! If none of that matters to you, then walk right out that door and don’t you dare come back.” Just because Dean says it softly, with disappointment rather than anger, doesn’t make the words any less devastating. Any less influential. And it works, because Kevin doesn’t leave to look for his mother; he turns back around to ostensibly get back translating the angel tablet. Which Dean and Sam need him to do. 

Kevin has suffered immensely, and yes. Everyone on this show has. But the point I’m ultimately trying to make is how upsetting and frustrating I find it as a dedicated devotee to all things Dean to see him be so callous with others when he knows firsthand how that kind of treatment feels. How that kind of harshness stays with you, becomes something you carry on. Especially for someone like Kevin, who does not hold Dean’s threshold for pain of any kind, physical or emotional. I mean, can you imagine Dean talking this way to Charlie? To Claire? Both of whom walked into hunting with eyes wide open? Which is maybe a conversation to hold another time around how Dean protects the women in his life more than he protects the men (Because honestly, I can’t see him talking to Jody or Donna this way, either), but for the sake of this post and this episode...I just need it said that Dean is not at his best. And that is very, very hard for me to watch. 

[plutoswrath]

i’m jealous of your big heart when it comes to animals lmao. i’m arachnophobic and it can be so annoying to have sometimes. i haven’t been able to tie it back to astrology, as much as i would like to. i asked because i was wondering if there was a clear indicator based off certain placements like how 6th house rules animals, 6th is ruled by mercury so i jumbled them even though i probs shouldn’t have lol. and with venus it ties to personal taste so i wondered if it could indicate a liking towards a certain animal. i have sag and sag venus in 6th and embarrassingly enough, i was obsessed with horses. like i came out of the womb adoring them. as soon as i learned to talk i was a walking horse encyclopedia. my obsession died down. i’m not a horse girl, i swear on my life.

i agree with you about the cancer loving animals. animals are babies and momma cancer loves to nurture the babies. i feel like cancers are the most likely to hate the “are you a dog or cat person” question. they’d get offended because how dare someone assume their heart isn’t big enough for both. more than both, really. throw a turtle in there. a rabbit even. cancer asc peeps usually have a shit ton of animals. it’s probably the sag/abundance in the 6th. or they either own a horse or Great Dane. but this is off topic because i forgot i had a follow up question.

if you could tie an animal or a couple animals to each sign that you think best represents that sign? or just seems like one they’d like? some are so easy and others just leave me blank. my arachnophobia thinks scorpio’s deserve better than scorpions but my terror blinds me. but i was looking up the symbolism behind animals and tying them to signs. so far, i’ve concluded that while horses should go with sag, their highly intuitive and empathetic animals. their behavior is like a mirror so if you’re nervous, they are too. so pisces or cancer actually seems to be a better fit. and to stay on topic of cancer with animals, i always tie wolves and dogs in general to cancer. the wolves are tied to the moon and familial dynamics and also i think they’re a great symbolic opposition to leo and how leos tend to resemble cats. sun and moon, dog and cat, night and day, that sort of thing. i realized i’ve rambled but i’m looking forward to your opinion because i’m so lost on what other signs would have. it’s been a year old question in my brain and it’s time for help from the master.

I'm sorry to hear that, I'm had a friend once who was arachnophobic and having phobias like these is really no fun, I can't imagine what it feels like really having them. And omg don't feel bad for liking horses when you were a child, literally so many children, especially young girls, like horses simply because people decided horses where a 'teenage girls only' thing somehow?? (and I will have to dig deeper into this at a point because here where I come from the horse girl thing is soooo painfully real and I want to understand the phenomena). And if I'm not mistake, arachnophobia (like most types of phobias), stem from some kind of trauma right? I absolutely don't try to get to personal but if we look at phobias in that way, maybe it's good to also include looking at planets/asteroids that point to trauma or aspects that can represent/indicate traumatic experiences in that sense! And I agree wholeheartedly to the 'dog or cat' question, I don't get offended by it but I hate this question in general because every animal deserves my love and empathy adfghj and yes, mother feelings definitely play into this haha! I think cancers enjoy (to an extent) having that occasional (or constant) outlet for their nurturing side and the bound you have to animals is also very intuitive and requires a lot of patience and getting educated as well as being observant and reading between the lines somehow and all that dedication paired with emotional knowledge just really speaks to water signs in general (and animals don't judge openly with words, just your energy asdfgh) Uhh, I like the question regarding the animals and I agree with your takes on it so far!! I think one animal can not represent all the core traits of a sign alltogether, but I'll try my best here! and psdfghj no need to call me master because I'm literally so far from anything close to that but thank you so much still, I feel honored really!!

The Signs as Animals:

Disclaimer: some of them are inspired by my ‘the Wild Unknown Animal Spirit’ tarot deck.

Aries: House cat. I know, I always thought cats actually link pretty well to Aries! Cats are just the perfect mixture of intelligen and curious, reserved, stubborn, aggressive, senstive as well as playful/impulsive! They are quick to learn and not afraid to face off against any other, bigger animals, but also can live pretty well together with other pets in the house, as long as they don‘t bother them too much. Especially when it comes to intimacy/pda they are very picky, but forceful when demand it. Seem flexible and unbothered at first but actually have the firmest boundaries when it comes to their personal freedom. Will let you believe they need you but give it a few weeks and the neighbor has better treats than you and gone they are asdfgh, but it's actually a harmful stereotype to believe that cats don't need you because they can become extremely fond of you and grow very attached.

Taurus: Elk. Based on the interpretation of my tarot deck. The elk represents earth energy, it is grounded, is established in itself and knows their core values and acts according to them. They show consistency, coherence and care. Dedicated to who they love and what they care for. Can become narrow minded due to knowing what's best, based on their perception of what's right and necessary, which can effect their ego negatively. Very Taurus for me. Gemini: Dragonfly. I refer to the interpretation of the Dragonfly based on my tarot deck. The dragonfly represents the mind: everchanging, quick, fascinating, a reflection of the world inside us and aroudn us. As the dragonfly is very quick (refering to Mercury's fast and nervous energy) the dragonfly also calles for paying attention to what quality our mind has and to become mindful, because on first glance things always appear different tahn on first glance (Mercury floats between detail-oriented and paying attenetion and being too fast, impatient). The dragonfly is joy and magic, as well as impatience, restlessness and being unable to concentrate. Cancer: Killer Whales (but also whales in general)! I thought especially about Killer Whales, because I once watched a documentary on them and they went in depth about how they have different cultures and different languages even (if I remember correctly) in their familys. Cancer often gets associated with the home life, but I think I wanted to look at it from another perspective, as in how does family 'become' family and how do those family roots develope, what do they consist of, how do we define family and what holds it together (and especially: how do our roots shape our own emotional patterns and nature in life?). I think the mystery of the Killer Whales but the whole complexity that lies behind the fascination of how these animals function and also how deeply affected Killer Whales are by their emotions/when they are absent from their kin, just opens up another big question of family dynamics and how we relate to one another and how principles we always condoned to human beings now apply to animals too. I think the whole part about the Killer Whales relation to emotions and their family's cultures just really made me link them to Cancer. Leo: Otter. I refer o the meaning of teh Otter based on my tarot deck. The Otter resembles the energy of the inner child: it's pure bliss, playfulness, they love to live and live for life itself, and out of this eagerness to enjoy life comes also a contentment and completeness towards life itself. To reconnect with otter energy, it is advised to step into settings of celebration, or total creative self expression and from the outside looking 'unproductive/selfish' indulgence. But actually, this energy is what makes life so enjoyable in the first place.

Virgo: Octopus. Highly intelligent beings that can quickly adapt and take the initiative. Self sufficient by nature, they aren't aggressive unless provoked, they like to mind their business unless they get curious (then they cling heavy onto you because you are their new object of interest). They can change color if it's needed (Virgo is a mutuable sign and can blend in perfectly in social occasions/new situations) and tbh the inking part about octopus just reminds me of the fact that most Virgos have a really quirky side to them you only get to see when you annoy them long enough (aka you are a long term friend). Libra: Gazelle. I refer to the meaning of ten Gazelle based on my tarot deck. The gazelle combines the creation of beauty and harmony, creativity and hyper awareness of it's surroundings, very affected of the imbalances in it's environment, but in it's try to remain this beauty around them, they tend to forget their achievments and stay in the present with their thoughts, as they constantly wheigh out the 'what if's'. A very perceptive animal in the tarot deck and this attribute is equally it's strong suit and downfall. Scorpio: Tiger. I refer here to the meaning of the Tiger based on my tarot deck. Waits in stillness and darkness to reconnect to their own inner power. Healing in isolation with the help of the lunar forces, waiting to regenerate. The Tiger energy shows itself in being passionate, sensual and stepping into ones own power, recognizing ones strength. For me, this is very Scorpio (Moon) for me. When the Tiger in unbalanced, it becomes overstimulated and acts according to this hyperawareness. Sagittarius: Zebra. I refer here to the meaning of the Zebra based on my tarot deck. The Zebra stands for an open mind, visionary and eccentric, new thinking, as well as being young at heart and expansion. I personally connect horses with passion and drive, because they are truly powerhouses. Based on the meaning of my tarit deck, the Zebra also is sociable, at least people find themselves drawn to the energy of the Zebra because it triggers their desire to learn, and I think this is something very beautiful Sagittarius symbolizes when they come into your life: be prepared to broaden your horizon for more. 

Capricorn: Camel. I refer to the meaning of the Camel based on my tarot deck. Camels here represent absolute dependence on self and being able to find the answer to problems in oneself. This self reliance and capability reminds me of capricorns, the camel is finding the 'cool' aka water inside of them and Capricorn is traditionally also symbolized as the sea-goat (which I seriously think should really be considered when anaylzing this archetype) and Capricorns have (imo at least) a rich emotional life, but it's just deeply locked within. The Camel represents showing responsibility for their own actions, regulating the self and circumstances around them as best as they can, which makes sense for Capricorns, ruled by Saturn they usually are confronted with task in their life. If the Camel energy is out of balance, it shows a lack of vitality, with Capricorn representing the senior age in life makes sense, especially since Capricorns can tend to feel very old (exhausted)- Aquarius: Platypus- and no, I’m not using the Platypus because ‚wow all Aquarius are so weird like straight up aliens 🤪🤪’ I think the platypus is a good representation because it makes us question what we’ve known so far about animals and Aquarius too is a sign that introduces us to new ideas and perspectives all in the favor of progress and considering alternatives, leaving the status quo. Pisces:  Raven/Crow. I name these two in particular because as far as I know it’s only the ravens that have been documented intimating people’s voices and tones, but crows are definitely more known for their bright mind. For me people often forget Pisces mutable nature and how quick witted they actually are. These birds are hyper intelligent and their observational skills are truly amazing. In my Wild Uknown Animal Spirit deck, the crow is an animal carrying 3rd eye energy. Here, the view is clear, the crow is moving through different dimensions and sees what other’s cant. For and the emotional depth (void) Pisces is conencted to it just seem to make sense. 

[happy-whumper]

The Collab of Clueless Chaos - Chapter two

After a lot of struggle (and a lot of help from @whumpasaurus101 xD) i finally finished this chapter xD But i did have a lot of fun with it ngl~

Asher and Rodger belong to @whumpasaurus101

Lee's Masterlist / My Masterlist

First chapter

CW: Cursing (Olivia and Asher...what do you expect xD), slapping, pet whump

Olivia pushed a strand of hair out of her face and let out a deep breath, feeling the adrenaline rushing out of her body, leaving her absolutely exhausted. She always forgot just how much energy these types of things took out of her. At least she had the satisfaction of winning, especially after her opponent had been such a giant pain in the ass. And well, it was nice not having to deal with Nicolas' bad mood for once.

Now she was just sitting in the -luckily empty- changing room trying to gather enough energy to actually move. So far she was rather unsuccessful at that to be completely honest but since Nick was off somewhere doing...whatever it was that he was doing anyways, it didn’t really matter, so she just kept sitting there, staring at the floor in front of her.

Rodger breathed heavily, trying to take control of his anger. He was in the corridor of the fighting building. The door opened and Rodger could hear footsteps getting closer, “Good match. I guess I could say your dog put up an alright fight,” The voice chuckled. Rodger’s head snapped up to see Nick standing in front of him.

Suddenly he smiled, “Nick! How are you doing? I must say, I am very impressed with Olivia. And that trick at the end, genius!” Nick chuckled and bowed his head, “Thank you. I've had her trained tough, let's just say she has a lot of anger she can use to support her.”

“Tell me about it! Jesus Christ, Asher has the absolute worst temper, I have no clue what happened today though. But I swear I'll make him pay for it.” Nick leaned against the wall opposite Rodger, “Hey now, he was quite good, he just had tough competition.”

Rodger laughed, “That is true indeed.” There was a small silence before Rodger spoke, “Say, you wouldn't like to go out for dinner tonight, would you? You seem like a nice enough gent.” Nick smirked, “I'm honoured,” he joked, “That's perfect, I’ll see you tonight at Island Indigo, 7pm.”

“See you then”

And with that the two men went to check on their pets.

*

“God I just cannot with guys like that!” Olivia was pacing up and down in the basement, just as she had been for the past 10 minutes. “You know it's always guys who Think they're the absolute greatest and Think that I don't stand a Chance because I'm a girl. What Kind of bullshit logic is that?! God!”

Rain was watching her with big eyes from his place on the bed and slightly tilted his head to the side. Theo, who was sitting next to him, rolled his eyes and let out a slightly annoyed sigh, “You could also just be happy that you didn’t lose, why are you even still talking about it now?”

She shot him an annoyed glance and turned to him, “Because it is a matter of principal, Theodor. That and because for some god damn reason I have to see him again today. Could someone tell me again why I have to deal with the fact that Nicolas needs to make more friends? Can’t he do that without me having to suffer because of it? But nooo that would just be too easy, wouldn’t it?” She threw her hands up and let herself fall onto the ground, leaning with her back against the wall, ignoring the pain that cursed through her whole body as a result of the sudden movement.

“I mean, at least you could maybe..I don’t know, make a new friend as well?” Rain was still looking at her with a slight smile on his face. Olivia rolled her eyes but couldn’t help a slight grin, “Mhm, yeah because we had such a good start to our relationship already.”

*

Olivia stared at Nicolas in absolute disbelief “I am absolutely not-” He made a gesture with his hand, immediately causing her to stop talking. “You are not given a choice here. You did good today, now you wouldn’t want to ruin that, would you?” There was a cold smile on Nicolas face, completely lacking any empathy. “Besides, you should really be grateful if anything.”

It took all of her self control to not punch him in the face right then and there, instead she just took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes. “Oh well thank you so much,” she mumbled it more to herself but apparently Nicolas had still heard. Now he was looking at her with raised eyebrows and a dark expression, the warning clearly written over his face.

“What was that?”

Olivia knew that tone well enough by now and she felt a cold shiver running down her spine. She hadn’t completely messed up yet but he was reaching a limit in his patience. Frankly, she was surprised it had even taken that long. “Nothing...Sir.” She had to force the last word out, every inch of her skin felt like it was resisting it. But maybe for once it was better to not make him angry when it wasn’t necessary.

Luckily he seemed satisfied with her answer, a pleased smirk replacing the previous dark look on his face. “That’s what I thought.”

With that he handed her the dress and turned around to leave again.

“You got 10 minutes.”

*

Nicolas looked at Asher’s arm which was now in a sling. The bandages on his shoulder were slightly visible under his button-up shirt. “So, Antonio, that’s Asher’s trainer, right?” Rodger nodded, sipping his glass of wine and setting it back down on the table, “Yes! He’s truly great. Puts up with none of Asher’s bullshit. No matter how hard Asher tries to get out of things or how defiant he tries to be, Antonio simply doesn't put up with him. And puts him back in his place if you ask me.”

Nicolas nodded, thinking to himself, “You know, Olivia actually needs a new trainer.” Olivia’s head snapped over to Nicolas, eyes wide and jaw clenched. She heard Asher snickering quietly from where he sat. “Does she now?” Rodger asked, smirk wide on his face.

“Do you think Antonio could put up with another mutt?” Rodger chuckled, “A mutt who fights as good as her? He’d be more than happy to take her! She’d definitely make more money for him than Asher does.” This time it was Olivia’s turn to laugh quietly at Asher, who shot daggers at her with a death glare.

“Well guess you’re not the favourite anymore, huh Ashy boi?”

All of a sudden there was a burning rage in his eyes and before Olivia could fully register what was happening he leaned over the table, presumably in an attempt to hit her. Before he could really do anything Rodger was quick to react and grabbed his shoulder - the one that was still in a sling -, pulling him back before slapping him hard across the face, causing Olivia to flinch even though she wasn’t the one getting slapped.

But she had been in the past. She had been exactly where Asher was right now and for a moment she felt a sting of guilt in her chest.

That was until she saw the murderous look Asher was giving her now. From the corner of her eye she also noticed Nicolas watching her, as if he was waiting for her to act out as well. But she was not going to give him that satisfaction, instead he just shot him an annoyed look before focusing back on Asher again, who was still glaring at her as if he wanted to punch her. “I just let her win anyways!” Even though he was looking directly at her, he was clearly more talking to Rodger who didn’t really seem to take that statement seriously.

“Mhm, yeah sure you did Ashy.”

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[uncuentofriki]

Coco or “How to pretend to be woke because of a fandom” and other ghosts.

After hearing the posibility that Parasite could get a remake, I heard that it wasn’t necessary -and ultimately, useless- because the director wanted to show how, despite the localization and the theme of the story everyone could resonate with the story and its themes. I saw it and yes, despite that the working-class family eats ramedon while I do wonders with tortillas to survive, the struggles of making ends met whatever it takes are mostly the same. And I don’t want a Parasite mexican remake either, as they did a years ago with indian movie 3 idiots. The movie is perfect on their location and you just need some empathy to understand what the other is feeling or living, even if your language or uprising wasn’t the same. 

A while ago I did a post explaining the feeling of exclusion in the fandom of Coco. Despite that it’s a movie that occurs in some part of Mexico, the mexican creators were displaced by people that just had the movie and some cartoons like Mucha Lucha or El Tigre as a reference for our culture. We tried to reach to “the other side of the bridge” by translating songs, fanfiction, comics and whatever we made, out lof love and excitement for sharing our culture for the first time masively on this media. I even translated historical documents and cursing words. And it was fun and interesting to see people engaged on our culture... only to soon be displaced or unheard of. Come to think about it some time later, it was cultural appropiation. It was “woke” at the moment to say you liked Coco, it was a way to say “oh, yes I like diversity” but  the actual people represented on that story were massively ignored (I wonder if in less divisive time for inmigration it would be as beloved as it was). I like the story... but whatever the people that live that culture explain about it, I don’t care.  I’ll take for example Rossanna Pansino (Nerdy Numies) with her Pan de Muerto. She said that the decoration of the bread is a marigold flower, which isn’t true (It’s boooooone! -read this in Captain Holt’s voice, please-). The recipe was mostly correct (Orange blossom water isn’t that easy to find, I know, plus it’s expensive), but that part made me lost any interest on her channel forever (haven’t seen her channel since). Rossanna could had done a research, see photos of the bread, watch other channels on Youtube (there’s a recipe on english on youtube), whatever. Yet she disrespected a beloved tradition and dish. No, we don’t do different versions of it. It has bones on top. End of the story. You don’t move ANYTHING from it, period, because it’s symbolic of the legend of the creation of the men, the four cardinal points and our own mortality as human beings, and it’s one of the most important elements on the Altar.  (Also I’m a baker’s daughter and if you recall how strict the Rivera’s are about their traditions, that’s how strict we are with recipes -the only ones allowed to move something from them are other mexicans and it’s only to make it tastier, like the shrimp pozole, not whatever Barefoot Contessa did to it).

The fandom felt... colonialist. The questions, which I answered with all the love and patience first, got more and more tiredsome to answer because people wanted reasons and ways to adapt the story to occur on their country or on a situation that doesn’t happen here... despite that seeing another culture was what supposedly made them fall in love with the story. One of those was wanting the lake on Santa Cecilia to freeze. While certainly it snows on the north states of Mexico, if we take in account some hints of the location, Santa Cecilia is nowhere near the north. And even when it has snowed on Guadalajara -where I live-, it’s not cold enough to freeze the Santiago River or the Chapala lake. But for some reason fuck geography (and if the lake freezes then we’ll be damned because that’s how bad global warming is to give a such a cold winter to a valleythat’sabove 25 grades Celsius almost all the year).  We explained over and over how some social situations aren’t the same, how incomes on certain profesions doesn’t translate. It’s more frustrating as an EFL teacher to see that I can perfectly explain social situations to my students and they get it, yet I explained over and over and over and my time investigating, translating and answering those same questions about my culture was basically, ignored or glossed over like “yes yes, you live it, you were born into it, buuuuut my idea of how your society and culture works is better”. IT’S NOT. It’s just different. I won’t try to mexicanize something from an american -or in my time as a hardcore otaku, japanese- culture. I won’t make, IDK, Chihiro from Spirited Away to serve Pozole to Kaonashi just because it’s easier for me to do so. (And also that’s why I hate lots Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, it shits over martial arts... and I tried hard to see the story as a parody but no). That’s also why I left the Rock AU incomplete and most of my fics are untranslated (and why a lot of mexicans ran away from the social media created around the movie). Why translate it, why continue it if the apparent love for my country and its music and traditions didn’t translated when I took time to craft a story that shows more about the modern musical scene here (along with other social issues). Why keep helping people that asked and yet ignored what I said or tried to make me justify stuff that DOES NOT (AT ALL) happen or happened here. Why even bother if someone who isn’t even from my country is the one that they prefer to get the information, as wrong as it can be. 

It’s amazing also that I got silenced and dismissed over my last rant about this feeling. It’s not jealousy, it’s a wake up call to fandoms in general. You can’t call yourself woke or culturally aware or whatever if you consume media from or based on foreing cultures and silence the people who live it or try to adapt it into your culture just because it’s easier or if you like characters that are people of color. Fandom it’s not absent of colonialism or racism, even on this kind of works. And we should be aware and learn of the mistakes we made along the way, because it’s disheartening for future media creators from other cultures (me included) to see that while we’re trying to adapt our culture and what we love -and hate- the most of it (even if it’s a fantasy counterpart, like it’s the case of the novel I’m working on), it’s going to be ignored over or tried to got converted over to whatever they want (creative fan freedom has a limit and that’s the societal and geographic rules of the setting). Because that’s the actual point of diversity in narrative, not trying to make everything more uniform like most american/european series that have a two-three whites and two-three people of color (if feeling lucky) but they’re barely different from each other in culture (except if there’s an asian on the cast, most of the time). The point of stories like Coco or parasite to show how despite the differences, we all can live similar situations, we all love and laugh and lose and keep going, in our own unique way, even if we’re miles away.

So please, if you’re aproximation to any work set in another culture is just that you thought it’s pretty and forget about the people that live it everyday... stay away from it. Or decolonize yourself first and don’t use the work to make yourself seem more socially aware. You will just contribute to systematic exclution of other creators.

[nurseofren]

Keeping Your Promise - Chapter 24

Read on AO3

Read chapter twenty-three

Title: Prove it

Words: 6800

Warnings: Talks of pregnancy, mentions of vomit

Summary: A friend. A foe?

ST Rambles: I look pretty good for a dead bitch.

Okay. In all seriousness. In the five weeks that I have not updated, it has been chaos. School is absolutely kicking my ass this semester and I am not afraid to say it. Maternal-Newborn is a hell I would not wish on my worst enemy. With this said, I know any further updates will be sporadic, BUT - and I say this to snuff out any doubt on the matter - I will never, EVER, abandon this story. However it ends, rest assured that it will, in fact, do just that.

I thank you all for your patience and encouragement. This story is something I care deeply about and it just floors me that others do as well. I love interacting with you all, either on here or tumblr or TikTok (if you've made one and I haven't seen it, please tag me! My fyp does not work in my favor lol).

Be kind. Don't forget to be a person. All you can do is try your best.

[MASTERLIST] | BANNER/@elmidol

Good afternoon,

I can only hope this correspondence finds you safe and well.

The Board of Physicians sympathizes during this time of displacement and potential grieving. There are countless variables to be considered during uncertain times like these, but those of your safety and well-being are of the utmost importance. In an effort to convey the depth of our understanding, a unanimous vote has approved the decision to extend the dates of the trial by seven days. Upon receiving this official communication, you should plan to arrive on Canto Bight a minimum of two days prior to the morning of the initial hearing. An updated outline has been attached at the end of this e-mail for reference and sent to all pertinent parties.

Per the initial correspondence, Commander Ren is to receive a new provider prior to the trial’s start date. This objective has been met with the solemn barrier of the diminished population of approved nurses and physicians which resulted from the recent tragedy of Starkiller Base. There have been additional unforeseen circumstances also working to lengthen and altogether halt this approval process. Rest assured that we are doing everything in our power to ensure the trial proceedings occur in an organized and professional manner.

The emergent provider shortage, along with the unknown – and likely diminished – amount of surveillance retained from Starkiller Base prior to its destruction, has laid the foundation for the discussion of potential and probable employment during your time on Canto Bight. The discussions surrounding this issue are in their infancies. Should it be that you are to assume a care position during your trial, you will receive a further updated and in-depth itinerary. This would include the dates, times, and location you would be expected to work; this information would be accompanied by any specific limitations regarding your scope of practice while on trial.

Though you are encouraged to reach out to discuss any questions or concerns you may have pertaining to these new developments, the current agenda is to be followed with strict compliance. Should there be any changes, as stated previously, I will communicate these to you in a timely and conscious manner.

Respectfully,

Karmen Zag, Esq.,

Head of Communications,

The Board of Physicians

“Yeah, well, you can go fuck yourself Karmen Zag. Stupid ass name anyway.”

Not that anyone could hear you, nor that anyone would care, you could not help the petty jab. Karmen Zag, the faceless mouthpiece of the institution actively seeking your death, had little to do with anything. Karmen Zag was not the one who had carved initials into your body; that person was elusive to you now. Karmen Zag was not the one who kept you from sleep; that person was dead, killed by the trembling hands of the very survivor they’d created. Karmen Zag was not the one you were currently hiding from; that person, achingly kind and too ignorant to know different, still came to pick you up from shift every night.

Cramped in the corner of a supply room, you sat with your knees tucked to your chest and your datapad resting on your thighs, eyeing the vent at the bottom of the door to spy Mason’s tapping foot. In the seven days since waking up in the medbay, six days since returning to work to help with the increased patient population – or, at least that’s what you were telling yourself – you had found yourself with a desperate need to distance yourself from Mason. He was unaware of all that was haunting you, nescient to the fact he was at the epicenter of the majority of it. To see him was to remember the choice you’d made, to hate yourself for regretting it, to be morally ripped in half by the unwavering war in the back of your mind.

The first three days he would always sneak up on you, flurries of white lies leaving while you fumbled away from him and into the nearest room. I’m on call tonight was your favorite. No, you weren’t, though you had been staying in the on-call rooms to hide the fact that you no longer held a residence on this ship. No matter if you had not received official word on your employment status, you felt an unease when thinking of returning to Kylo Ren’s quarters. It felt too broken, like you’d be a stranger somewhere you’d once considered a home.

Eventually, Mason being an inherent creature of habit, you’d picked up on his timing. On the fourth day you’d decided to stake him out, finding he would spend exactly ten minutes waiting, send a message to your commlink, spend another five toying with his own as he waited for a response, eventually asking whoever was nearest to tell you to call him. You never did. It was despicable, watching his hope falter as the days passed and you were never there to leave with him; wretched, but that did not make it any less necessary.

So long as you were away from Mason, you couldn’t hurt him. If you could create a rift between the two of you so great as to discourage any further interaction, you could save him from all the suffering that came along with being associated with you. On the other hand, you couldn’t deny the comfort you felt in deferring any conversation with him. Avoidance may not be a healthy coping mechanism, but all the ones you’d learned of in school were useless to your set of circumstances; there was no talking this through, no way to speak of Snoke or Kylo or Robbie without getting someone else hurt. You were trapped in your own, sole company; whoever you had become recently, you were barely tolerant of them, let alone fond. It was growing increasingly difficult to recognize your own reflection. At some point you figured you might stop looking altogether.

Zag’s update had been present in your inbox ever since returning to work; with each read through – which, now, you’d have read a hundred times – you felt time pass by. Each night you spent time tucked away here, the cold tile permeating the scrub pants you now wore; the uniform you’d had on when you arrived back on the Finalizer had been too tattered to reuse. Not that you wanted to wear it; in those tattered, bloodied threads lay the obvious truth of how entirely you had failed at the only assignment you had ever been trusted with.

Trusted. The thought made you shiver. Yes. Trusted. Past tense. In every sense it could be. Thus, folded into yourself, away from prying eyes or well-meaning friends, you scrolled aimlessly up and down the message. Though its existence annoyed you, knowing full well that there was no empathy or genuine concern behind the decision to delay the trial, it also brought you ease to know this portion of your life was almost over. Again you were embracing the possibility of your death, only this time rooted in hatred for yourself, not Kylo Ren.

“Alright, well, can you tell her-,”

“Tell her to call you. Got it. Do every night.” One of your coworkers had grown exasperated with Mason – or was it with you? Either way, peeking through the vent slats, you spied Mason’s legs drag out of view. It made your heart fall, feeling more disgusted with yourself each day; it was this confusing combination of feeling a pull to run after him, to apologize to him with every breath you had left, only for that initial urgency to be swallowed by the knowledge that the action would be futile.

With tired eyes, not having gotten more than two hours of unbroken sleep since the sixteen you’d woken from, you looked to your left wrist. It was a routine gesture, pointless in the fact you had not worn the watch since finding it on your bedside table. Much like your uniform, only agonizingly amplified, the sight of the gadget inspired a hollowness in your chest. It remained in a pillowcase, hidden atop the bed you’d claimed. Each night you toyed with it, thumbed at the lifeless screen and wondered if it would ever offer another flicker; each night you caught the hazy reflection of two unfamiliar eyes, finding only the remnants of shattered promises staring back at you.

A sigh crept into your lungs when you stood, arms stretching and hands smoothing back your hair before going to activate the door. It hissed open without your indication; before you could question how, two hands pushed you out of the way and sent you flying face first into the storage shelves. Nose first, actually; the collision rang through your ears, pain throbbing in prominence as you stumbled for stability, arms widespread and eyes pinched shut.

“Oh! You have to be kidding!” Copper crept down your upper lip, cascading over your sharp tongue, foggy eyes opening to blood-stained fingers. “Watch where you’re going, jeez!”

Away from you sounded the door as it shut, but that wasn’t the sound that alarmed you. Across the room, near the sink – at least you hoped it was near the sink – came the horrendous retching that could only indicate vomit. The longer you listened, though, all the while blindly searching for a package of gauze, you found it wasn’t vomit, but an attempt towards it; echoes of dry heaves wracked the room, vomit absent even as the stranger continued in their effort toward expulsion.

A spill of winces left you, a grimace following suit when you tipped your head back, blood draining down your throat. You found a box of gauze squares and tore it open, peeling away a layer and rolling it into a cone before pushing it into one nostril. Vessels pounded against the material, injury soaking into it as you caught your breath.

“I’m so sorry,” a familiar voice said, groggy and breathless. “The refresher was occupied, and the occupancy indicator wasn’t on.” She took another breath, gasping back spit. “I figured the sink in here would do.”

Another person you’d been avoiding. Talia. Sick. As she would be, of course. It was something you’d fought thoughts on; it was too confusing, too unnerving to put the pieces you’d been offered together. Hux had left her room, had been so distraught. Talia had seized and ended up in the medbay. Armitage. Stars, how that word haunted you in the way it left her paling lips. She’d been so disoriented, so scared. Glassy eyes and green pallor. And the person she’d asked for was Armitage.

With these thoughts, dizzying as they had become, came the image of the very thing that tied them all together: that square-cut, printed, glossy ultrasound picture. Between nightmares of Robbie and desperately trying to find any amount of sleep, you saw it clear in your head, remembered how you’d lost your ability to stand when you first considered the reality of it. It all made sense clinically; the symptoms, the tangible evidence showing a yolk sac, the patient identifiers framing the monochrome image.

But, when you remembered running into Hux, remembered the ghost in his eyes and felt the rather unsettling demeanor – one not marked with errant hatred – he’d met you with, it all started to blur. Jumble. Your mind rejecting the thought that Talia and Hux-

Talia mewled, your eyes opening to find white knuckles outfitting a vise grip over the sink’s metal edge. The fluorescent lights lining the ceiling made it all too easy to see how sick she really was. Tears glinted down her cheeks, her hair dull in its tousled bun, a string of spit straying from her bottom lip; there was a suggestion of green just below the surface of her skin, exhaustion evident in the lavender drapes below her eyes.

A shaky breath left her before she rested against the sink, elbows bent and fingers rolling over her temples. For a moment there was a deafening silence, one that strangled you and emphasized the throbbing in your nose when you stopped breathing. It dissipated when Talia groaned, her head drooping and stance shifting.

“At least shift is done, right?” She sounded like she was talking to anyone. She didn’t know it was you. She didn’t know you knew.

Swallowing, dropping your hand from your face, you tried to think of anything to say. But nothing would come. And, considering how little time you had left to know her – execution or not – you saw no point in frivolous small talk.

“How far along are you?” It was a low rasp; frail in its existence yet bludgeoning the quiet that had preceded it.

She didn’t look up, but you knew she recognized your voice; her every muscle stalled, hair even stilling as your words sank into her. It was the first thing you’d said to her since she’d seized. In her silent shock it dawned on you that it had not been long since you’d been in a situation similar to this; the two of you, a pitting silence, a mess – obvious and blaring – surrounding you.

Only this mess was not something that could be cleaned. This mess existed outside all you had once thought to consider. Though this room was less gruesome in appearance, it held that same suffocated dread, carried with it the reminder that everything could change without a moment’s notice. Watching the color return to her cheeks, absentmindedly brushing your fingertips across the raised marks atop your thigh, it hit you how true that fact was.

A small sound – a swallow – filled the room, a sigh to accompany it. “Six weeks. I think, at least. Maybe more.” She stood then, crossing her arms and leaning against the sink. A wall stood between you and her, invisible yet so entirely present. “No one knows.” Her jaw fluttered at its hinge. The wall was for her; a façade, a crutch. She was scared.

The door lit cool shivers down your back, hands digging into your pockets, a weak attempt at a smile pulling at your face. “Congratulations,” you offered first, forgetting the circumstances before seeing her eyes fall to the floor. “Or not, I guess.”

She kept her eyes down. “I’m not showing, and I’ve been good about sneaking away to throw up, so…”

“Last week,” you said, her stare coming back to you, “after Starkiller. I fainted after arriving back here, and after I woke up,” I washed the Commander of the First Order’s hair and cried to his comatose body about how my life is falling apart, “I just had to know you were okay, so I visited you.”

“I don’t remember seeing you. I actually… How did you even know I had been admitted to the medbay?”

“You were asleep. I didn’t want to wake you.” You chewed your cheek, recounting any of those 48 hours made your pulse jump. “You weren’t well off when I found you, before they took you to the medbay, so I wouldn’t expect you to remember me being there.”

Her brow dipped for half a second, a crack creeping into that wall. “I didn’t know you found me. It’s difficult for me to even recall most of that day.” Her shoulders dropped, stature less rigid now. “Thank you, though.”

You nodded, not entirely sure why she felt it necessary to thank you. “Yeah. So, you were sleeping and I saw the tests ordered on your board. And then I found your ultrasound on the floor.”

Her eyes were so distant, pupils housing a familiar ghost. “It must have fallen when I was sleeping.” Her lips parted with the whisper, egregious loneliness overwhelming the thought.

It felt like the floor would fall out at any second, the interaction so fragile. Watching her with intent, measuring her reactions, you charged ahead into territory you’d been afraid to enter for so long.

“Talia,” you started, buying more time to think on your phrasing. Her focus startled back from wherever her mind had taken her. “I mean, maybe this is ridiculous, and maybe I’m so far off base in even suggesting it…”

Her arms dropped when a hand reached to tuck a collection of stray hair behind her ear, nose sniffing, teeth pulling at her bottom lip. She took her eyes from yours, breath picking up. That wall she stood behind was wearing.

You couldn’t stand beating around the bush any longer, sick of theorizing about it all. It fled out, no breath to separate any of it. “I’ll just say it: Hux was leaving your room when I came around. And he was being weird. So weird. I mean, he was being… would I say nice? Maybe just, less awful? He complimented me. And it was so weird, but I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt because, you know, he’d just lost a lot of men. But then it was you in the room and I.. he was so distraught? That is barely the right word, but I mean? He just wasn’t General Hux. And then I found the ultrasound and remembered how you’d asked for ‘Armitage’ earlier when I’d found you, and-,”

A weep signaled the destruction of the wall she’d thrown up, hands clawing into her eyes and lungs heaving full of ragged, desperate air. “Oh, please tell me you didn’t tell him! He can’t- I don’t!” Sobs rolled off of her between each exclamation. “I haven’t told him. I don’t know how. I- he’s so evil! I can’t believe I ever slept with him!”

Seeing her come apart, feeling the guilt she did in every word she cried, you could only think to take her into your arms. In your hold you felt her shaking and the pain roll off of her in thick, grating waves. It was familiar, like she, too, had been existing alone; you had not noticed, so buried in your own avoidance that you had not thought to consider hers.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so- I’m so sorry! It makes me so mad that- ugh!”

“Hey, stop. Slow down,” you soothed, hugging her tighter. “You have nothing to apologize to me for. You’ve done nothing wrong, okay?”

“No, I have! I slept with my Master! And got pregnant! And he’s such a fucking jerk! He’s the whole reason you’re losing your career, you know? And I had sex with him! And I feel- felt real things for him!” A breath stuttered into her lungs. “I never meant for it to go any further than that first night, and then… fuck.”

It burned down to your marrow that you had the power to comfort her, knew everything she was feeling even if it wasn’t hatred that left you crying at night. She would be embraced in knowing you had also slept with your Master; it would minimize the guilt she now felt. To tell her you had fallen for Kylo Ren could help her know that she wasn’t alone.

Instead, feeling her tears accumulate on your sleeve, struggling to keep in your own, you kept quiet. She would not learn how you had burned so bright for your commander. It was selfish, but it was necessary. Self-preservation. She would be testifying against you, taking the stand right after Hux. Her not knowing would do no harm; it would keep her from having to consider or commit perjury. Talia now joined Mason, another soul to protect, another person you would lie to.

Several minutes passed before she stopped trembling, another few before the tears stopped staining your uniform. Humanity existed in these moments, and though you would hide how you knew the advice you would offer her, you knew she needed to hear it. A part of you did, too.

Moving your arms from her back and grasping both her shoulders, you locked eyes with her and forced her to see that you somehow understood her pain. “There is nothing to feel guilty about. Not that you slept with him, or that you got pregnant. Not that you felt things for him or that you still do.” Her eyes shut at that, a fresh streamlet dragging into her mouth. “You can still love him even if he has done awful things.”

“Gosh, how can you say that? He’s ruined your life,” she shuddered, grimacing before looking back up to you.

“I made the choice to take that blood. I had a choice,” your throat tightened, not knowing if you were reciting the words from their origin or from your dream, “I made the one I thought was the best at the time. Hux may be an ass in the way he has gone about the issue, but it’s not like he wouldn’t have reported me.”

She sobbed your name, confusion and hurt wrought in her features. “That blood saved that patient. You saved that patient. We both know that. You saved him and you’re suffering for it and I’m the one who wrote the incident report. He made me write it. Such a fucking bastard.”

Just like that, whatever weird internal truce you’d made with Hux disappeared. “Yeah, that is a dick thing to do, I will say that.”

She wiped at her cheeks, shaking her head. “I should have lied on that report.”

“And gotten both of us in trouble? That isn’t a solution.”

“If I had, you would be less alone in this. And I wouldn’t have to testify against you.” Talia’s eyes shot to the ceiling and back, frustration hot on her breath. “It’s just so-,”

“Unfair. I know. I have… I’ve beaten myself up about it too much not to know that.” This conversation was too similar to those you’ve held inwardly. It was becoming repetitive to keep sulking over something you could not change. But Talia, if she wanted, could change her situation. “We went through the same program, got the same schooling, I know you know your options here.”

She chewed her cheek, shaking her head. A long drag of breath found its way into her chest, releasing when your hands fell to your sides. “This is where you find out how stupid I am.”

It pulled at your heart to hear how hard she was being on herself. “You aren’t stupid. And if you are? Could’ve fooled me with your class rank and just general existence.”

A laugh, weak but not acrid. “Academics were easy. Career is easy. This life stuff? Messy. Complicated. I feel like no matter what I do, it will blow up in my face.” That earlier distance glazed over her stare, a glimmer of yearning present in the way her eyebrows pinched. “And what I want…think I want? I’m not sure it’s even possible.”

“What do you want?”

Talia shut her eyes, capitulation and indignance set in her features, jaw flexed. “I haven’t spoken to him since that night,” she whispered. “He watched me fill out that report. I was sobbing in front of him and he said nothing.” A hand smoothed over her hair and clutched into her bun, lips quivering for a moment. “I didn’t even know until last week. I woke up for a few minutes and they started talking about all that had happened – fainting and seizures and blood tests – and they immediately wheeled me down to have an ultrasound to confirm the hCG results and urinalysis.”

She paused, growing in distance the more she shared. “Was it just your electrolytes that caused the seizure?”

“Yeah. Yes.” She blinked back to the present. “Belkar actually said I was severely dehydrated and that my metabolic panel reflected that.” Talia was dancing between two timeframes; gentleness framed her face when revisiting that of the past. Something so delicate in her stare; adoration cusping on hope. “I always told myself I would never have children. It scared me seeing how sick they could become when we had our unit on pediatrics. I’d never wanted to feel so helpless as the parents I saw during clinical.”

It almost winded you to watch a single tear slip down her cheek, allowing her silence during her pause before she looked up at you, desperation drowning her eyes. She couldn’t find – or, maybe, did not want to believe – the words that overwhelmed her. “What changed?” You knew, but she needed to hear it for herself.

Her lips had become puffy, teeth pulling at the bottom one. She reached into the front pocket of her scrub dress, pulling from it that square print, only now with rolled, worn corners. “I know it’s early and there are so many things that can go wrong and I know I had been drinking before I knew, but…” A swallow bobbed her throat, a fond smile forming when she toyed with the scan. “When they handed this to me? Something just, I don’t know, came into view.”

A surge of immense pain coiled into you. In her reverie you saw yourself, realized how fortunate her situation was; she had something she wanted and even though it was complicated, she had a choice in the matter.

Again, her mind had wandered, distraction framing her tone; her brows pinched together for a second, a question sparking from her memories. “Have you ever wanted something so much, and maybe you didn’t fully understand it, but you just knew? For whatever reason, this was the thing you would do everything in your power to make possible? To have what you want, no matter how daunting or nonsensical it seemed?”

“Yeah,” you choked out, coughing against the new strain on your throat, “I think so.” Talia had that ability, though, and it cracked against your skull how helpless you were to go after what you wanted.

“You said that I could still love him if he’s done awful things,” she quoted, her attention returning to you. “I don’t love him. I don’t think I really know him that well. But…” She shook her head, shoulders shrugging and a puff of breath leaving her nose. “I miss him. It’s so dumb, but the bastard is nice to be around when he isn’t buried in politics. When he’s just a person. When he isn’t the General. When he’s just—” another smile, similar to her earlier one “—Armitage.”

“That has to be the strangest part of this whole thing.” A small laugh bubbled past your lips. It had been so long since the last one. “Armitage.”

“It was very odd at first. But I’m not going to cry out General, oh please General! when I’m cumming, so I got over it.”

Dumbfounded, all you could do was gawk at her candor. It warmed you, though, feeling like that first night you’d hung out with her. A good memory. Her cheeks pinked in your silence and the sight pulled you straight into a ruckus of laughter, tears – born in pain, falling from humor – and lightheartedness. It was short lived, but Talia joined in your fit; abashed giggles leaving her smile-tight face.

“I mean, I feel like it would be weirder if you were sleeping with Commander Ren.” Talia jabbed at your shoulder. “Calling him… Kylo? That just feels downright wrong.”

Instantaneously, your high fizzling into nothing before her, you found yourself right where you were when you’d said your first goodbye. Ky. It wilted your heart, shrouded whatever glimpse of happiness you’d just caught. Talia was too lost in the joke to notice you’d backed away from her, face turned so she couldn’t see the suffering rise to the surface.

“Ha, yeah. Wrong. So, so wrong.” You cleared your throat, brushing past the weak attempt at nonchalance, ready to be off this subject. “So you miss him? You miss… Armitage? Yeah, no. I’m gonna stick to Hux, if that’s alright?”

A final laugh lit from her chest, Talia waving you off. “That’s fine, of course. And yeah. I miss him.” Her brow furrowed. “Do you think it could work? Me and him, and—” she gestured down to her abdomen, placing the scan back in her pocket “—this?”

This was none of your business, and you doubted anything you could say would help her, but there was genuine curiosity in her voice. There was respect in how she wanted your insight into something so intimate and personal.

A sigh preceded your reply, unsure if you were speaking to her or yourself. “I think… Just as you said earlier: no matter if its daunting or nonsensical or even completely impossible – if you want it and you are willing to do everything in your power to get it?”

Hope lit behind her eyes, bloomed in her chest at the suggestion. “It could work.”

Struggle hid behind a mask of hope. Of course she did not know how it pained you to offer words that would never exist for yourself, and it wasn’t fair to ruin her moment of clarity with the bitter bite of ill-placed jealousy. There was no part of you that envied her condition, but instead what it entailed; you coveted her ability to choose the life she wanted.

Talia shook her head free, a giggle warm on her breath. “We should get out of here. Night shift is gonna run us off soon. You have the time?”

“Uh, not readily available. But I’m sure it’s way past shift change.” You started toward the door.

“Hey, I noticed you’ve been staying in the on-call rooms?”

“Oh.” It surprised you that she’d noticed. The knowledge warmed you to your core, both from embarrassment and appreciation. “Yeah, I know you guys have been swamped down here with all the fallout from Starkiller, so I just thought I’d stay near to help out.”

She tsked, your name a mocked plead. “You are Starkiller fallout. You need to rest. Especially now that you can. I got an update from Zag about the trial. You’ve got, what? Three or four days before Canto Bight? Seven until the initial hearing?”

She’d done the same math you’d gone over at length. Hearing it from someone else’s mouth made it that much more real. Frightening. “I know. I do, I know. But what’s wrong with spending them here?”

“You know as much as I do that working constantly drains the absolute soul from you. Even just working these past three days I have been dying for my time off.”

“Yeah, but you have a reason to be tired.”

“I’m pregnant. You survived a planet exploding all the while keeping the Commander of the First Order alive. Are you forgetting that?”

Talia, I wish I could forget all of it. “No, I’m just-,”

“And I know you’ve been blowing off that McCarty guy. He’s a physician, right?”

Maybe you’d been less discreet in your efforts toward avoidance than you thought. It felt like being caught; this web of lies was becoming a strain, less of a benefit, a hinderance rather than protection. “He’s… Mason doesn’t know what he’s asking for, you know?”

“No, I don’t know.” Talia strode to your side, stern eyes on your own. “Look,” a breath softened her demeanor, “whatever happened on Starkiller, whatever you saw or felt – it’s affecting you. I don’t know what it is, and I’m not asking you to tell me – though, you can tell me anything – but at some point it becomes a choice to remain stagnant in grief.”

“Hey!” Talia had always been blunt, but her audacity now clawed at your patience.

“Okay, sorry, yes that was very harsh,” she placed a firm hand on your shoulder, “but you are the one who made me realize that. Here. Now.”

Tears threatened but remained stuck in your throat. “Like you said, I’m alone in this. I have to be.”

“The way I see it, you aren’t-,”

“Talia, I am.”

“You aren’t. Me being here and that physician coming here every night is proof of that.” You met her with silence. She shrugged. “You could have left me to deal with my issues alone, but you saw me and knew I couldn’t.” More silence on your part, her stare flicking between your eyes. “I see you. You can’t deal with this alone. I won’t let you.”

You fought to hide them, but one by one fell the tears you had not permitted before. For so long it seemed you had been shielding others from hurt, ensuring a safety they were not aware they needed. Talia was offering that to you, now. Rejection was the first instinct to kick in, feelings of doubt and thoughts of I do not deserve this blaring in urgency.

But then she spoke, naming what you had been too scared to confront. “Choose to not be alone. It doesn’t make you a bad person,” her hand left you, overwhelming assurance in her smile, “You’ve been strong for long enough, for so many others. Let someone be strong for you for once.”

The next breath you took was a million times lighter than any you’d had since seeing Kylo those days ago. She really did see you, more than she could ever know. It was imperfect, of course; you weren’t sure anyone would ever be fully aware of how much pain you were in, there was so much you could never share. It was her offer that brought you solace; it may be superficial for you, but Talia was in your corner, and she believed, knew, that it meant something. In her eyes, pooled with intensity, you heard her loud and clear: that oath, born in blood, was renewed here and now, its strength indelible even in silence.

“Now,” she activated the door, its hiss shivering down your spine, “I think Mason would love it if you caught up with him.” The two of you stepped into the hall, already beginning to part paths. “I’d invite you to stay with me but I, uh…”

“You’ll be otherwise predisposed?”

“…We’ll see,” rose bloomed in her cheeks, “I don’t think I’ll tell him. Not tonight. Not yet.”

“Ah,” you sighed, a yawn slipping past.

“Get some sleep! And maybe just… get some, you know?”

The joke registered too late, her paces halfway down the hall before you called out, “Oh. Oh. No, I’m not with- we aren’t anything more than friends.” Not sure if she even heard you, she waved behind her before turning a corner. Well. That’ll need clarifying.

Heat flared in your cheeks, several pairs of eyes weighing on your shoulders at the outburst. Would there ever be a day when you were not embarrassing yourself on this unit? Given this would be the last shift before going to Canto Bight, probably not. Eyes tracking your steps, deciding to surprise Mason instead of call him, you found your way to the on-call room where your entire world was set up; remnants of a past one, at least.

In it you gathered your belongings – a pair of back up scrubs, a toiletries bag, and the lifeless watch. There was a hesitance before placing the device with the other items. Six nights you had spent staring at its blank face, resenting the stranger you’d come to see. Glancing your face before placing it in the bag, you did a double-take. In the most minute details, barely there, you found a familiarity in the eyes you met; they were less dull, something like life or light peeking through the surface.

You dropped the gadget into your pocket, gathered your uniform into the bag, and took a final glance at the shelter you’d sought amidst a storm that had nearly consumed you. Even though nothing had truly mended, there was comfort in the absence of solitude; in the face of probable death, the explicit knowledge that you were not alone made it less daunting. Less impossible.

A final breath brought the door to a close, footsteps leading you into the vast expanse of the Finalizer. The change in air was nice, lungs welcoming the difference and cluing you into the fact you still had a gauze square shoved up your nose. It took a tug to pull it from its place, a sting pinching at the sudden release of pressure.

“Shit,” you hissed, feeling a new stream of warmth trickle past your lips. Two fingers pressed to your mouth, testing for a mirage but coming back with the real thing, red creaks splintering into the ridges of your fingerprint. Without thinking you wiped it down your scrub top, forgetting you were no longer clothed in camouflaging black, but instead unforgiving grey. “Fuck!”

“Wasn’t this how I left you here the last time?”

The airlock must have snapped, lungs solid, muscles frozen. Tension seized your ribcage, pulse plummeting, blood bounding against tuned ears. Every bit of moisture abandoned your mouth. Every bodily process you could think of stopped.

There was no modulation, each word raw, bare, and clear as the last time you had heard their founder. At least, the last time you’d heard it while awake. It was less haunted now, filled not with insidious rage but rather bone-chilling earnest.

“I suppose not, given it’s your blood tonight.”

He drew nearer, boots heavy and steps paced to perfection, the rhythm of his stride an echo of your heart. Kylo Ren was less than three paces from you and all you could do was endure the sensation of a singular ruby droplet following the line of your artery, dragging past your clavicle, and ghosting the skin over your sternum. The crimson trail began to dry, steps no longer sounding when you forced yourself to look up.

Chaos tore into the base of your spine, every nerve ending firing at the sight of his bare face, no helmet to veil the visage you had memorized. The black strip rested in prominence, striking through his features; in it you found a curious attraction, finding it fit him. The wound was less severe now, healing with time. He wore no helmet, but that by no means meant there was no mask keeping him at a distance only he knew the measure of.

“Where have you been, officer?” Cyanosis was a likely reality, breath still evading you as each word fell in baritone; petrified pupils not knowing where to focus. “Your services finally required, and yet you were nowhere to be found.”

Nothing. No words. No sound. No thoughts. Barren in every aspect of cognizance, you remained silent and still, only knowing to perceive him for what he was: superior.

A twitch at his brow, a narrowing of his eyes. Studying. Testing. “How unfortunate; starved for words when they would actually count.” His injury moved fluidly against his words, a beauty in the way it ebbed with each syllable.

A ping sounded at your waist, commlink buzzing in your pocket.

Languid, Kylo’s eyes dipped toward the sound. “You should get that,” he drawled, eyes twitching before conquering yours once more, “could be important.”

His tone haunted you, demeanor too suggestive. You swallowed against a dry throat, locked in his stare, knuckles brushing your watch when you took out your commlink. It trembled in your grip, shocked muscles heavy with weakness. His concentration had become adamant, palpable, an eyebrow prompting your attention to whatever message had triggered the alarm.

Concerning the defendant,

In the week since the previous correspondence, it has come to be that the defendant is to partake in nursing practice during her time on Canto Bight. This allows the Board of Physicians ease in collecting surveillance imperative to their final judgement.

Commander Ren’s decision to bar the defendant from external practice has been nullified as to not contradict this process.

In permitting the defendant’s practice while on trial, the objective to obtain a new provider has been benched. Due to this, the defendant shall remain assigned to her current Master while residing on Canto Bight…

At last, breath flourished your lungs, an inadvertent gasp thrusting a glutton of oxygen into your airway. Crazed eyes darted over the message for any sign of a mistake that would prove it to be falsified; the only thing you could find was finality, a document containing the proposed schedule attached at the end of the message.

A buzz washed through your brain, overstimulated by the information, everything around you suddenly all too close and bright. Jaw bound shut but still trembling, eyes low and unfocused, a familiar pressure flicked just under your chin. The Force tipped your face upward, pupils strict in their position, passing first over a tense jaw and landing at last on the challenge that lay behind Kylo Ren’s glare.

“I’ll see you on Canto Bight, officer.” A serpentine smirk slithered along his lips, one stride bringing him so his face was hidden, shoulder linked with yours, and fingers jut out to graze at the hidden permanence atop your left thigh. His voice, an onslaught of emptiness, a cold threat, suffocated all that surrounded you. “You wanted to give me more? Prove it.”

[frickfracksnatchisback]

If you'd be willing, could you do some hcs about smatcher & moonie who have a S/O who has ptsd, kinda similar to them, but from their biological mother? I see my mother a lot in Venessa, so I tend to mentally cling to snatcher n mj bc they remind me a bit of what I went through, I wish I could be there for them to help ease over the pain, yaknow?

Sure! I can understand having them as comfort characters! (But if you don’t mind, I won’t outright say the S/O’s previous abusive relationship and keep it very vague, that way it can be more inclusive. I’ll also throw in some extra HCs with Snatcher and Moonjumper dealing with their own trauma/PTSD) Also! Just a fair warning, I know nothing about this but I’ll try my best, so if any of these HCs seem insensitive please let me know and I’ll fix them right away! (Warning for mentions of abuse and past trauma under the cut!)

We all know that Snatcher is generally loud with his voice, even when speaking normally. However, if S/O tends to cringe at loud or heightened voices, Snatcher actually starts to become more quiet around them. He speaks softer, in hushed tones, and even when he’s angry or upset he reassures them that everything’s alright and that he’s not too mad at them. It’s rare to hear Snatcher speaking so normally, but if it comforts S/O then he’ll speak as quiet as he possibly can around them. And if S/O happens to be having a traumatic episode or a panic/anxiety attack? He will be especially quiet around them, showing the softer side of himself for once by holding them in his arms (if they don’t mind) and promising them that they’re okay and he’s here if they need him.

Moonjumper tends to be very clingy, wanting plenty of hugs and cuddles from S/O. But once he finds out that S/O is uncomfortable with sudden physical touch (after the giving them a surprise hug on accident), he makes a vow right then and there to always ask before even thinking about touching them again. If they say no, they’re not comfortable with that just yet, then he’ll be sure keep his distance while still giving them encouraging words and compliments. But if they say yes, he’ll be extremely gentle with them, hugging them so lightly he’s barely even touching them, or being very considerate when holding their hand, asking them again and again if they’re alright with what he’s doing before going any further.

Snatcher has a habit of sneaking up on people and scaring them as “pranks”, but with S/O it’s actually quite the opposite. They are the only one who he never does his normal routine with and/or tries to jumpscare (he made that mistake when he first introduced himself to them, and now he’s promised never to scare them like that again). He tends to tap their shoulders lightly and tries to announce himself before teleporting next to them or popping out of the ground randomly. It’s tough, because Snatcher really wants to be his normal, menacing self, but he puts their comfort first because he wants them to feel safer around him.

If S/O has depressive moments and/or deals with intrusive thoughts because of their PTSD, Moonjumper tries his hardest to encourage them and find ways to make them smile and feel happy. Like with a previous HC I mentioned, Moonjumper gifts them blankets, pillows, and/or plushies, but now he gives them to S/O whenever they’re in need of comfort or as a way to de-stress. If they’re okay with more physical affection, he’ll cradle them in his arms gently, telling them just how much he loves them and that they’re perfect just the way they are. And while he knows he can’t make their depression or intrusive thoughts go away completely, he will try his best to make sure they know that they are loved, despite what their brain tells them.

Now, with both Snatcher and Moonjumper, they tend to have nightmares about their trauma from the past. But if S/O has the same problem? They’ll both try to wake S/O up gently, making sure they’re alright and wiping the tears from their eyes if they’re crying. Neither Snatcher or Moonjumper will try to push, so S/O doesn’t have to tell them about the nightmare if they don’t want to, but they still hold S/O close, hushing and comforting them until they can fall back asleep again. If S/O has trouble falling asleep, however, Snatcher offers to read one of his law books to them and Moonjumper will offer to sing a lullaby for them. Neither of them will fall back asleep until S/O has, making sure they’re safe before doing so (they’re both ghosts, so sleep isn’t really necessary for them).

No matter who the person is that S/O has distanced themselves from (an abusive family member, a past lover, or even just a toxic friend), both Snatcher and Moonjumper promise S/O that they will both keep them far away from said individual(s) as possible. Both of them become very protect around S/O, even Moonjumper, and they reassure S/O that they will never let anyone hurt them ever again (even if no harm was actually done to S/O, they’ll still be protective of them and make sure they’re safe). Snatcher and Moonjumper also take note of things and tiggers that remind S/O of there past trauma, making sure to avoid the topics all together or help them through those issues, whichever it may be.

Snatcher & Moonjumper HCs:

During winter, Snatcher becomes very...distant, for obvious reasons. He doesn’t like the snow, ice, or the cold in general, because it reminds him too much of her. He’s very reclusive when this happens, refusing to go out into the cold at first. But, with a lot of convincing, S/O helps Snatcher overcome this, bringing him out into the snow slowly, hand-in-hand, showing them that there’s nothing to be afraid of. S/O might even convince him to have some fun playing in the snow; having a snowball fight with Hat Kid, Bow Kid, Mu, and even the Subconites, making snowpeople, snowforts, and snowangels. And when all’s said and done, Snatcher and S/O get to cuddle up close to one another, with some hot cocoa and a good book as the snow continues to fall outside. Snatcher mutters a quiet “thank you” to them, for helping him feel happy for the first time in years.

Moonjumper has a conditional sense of perfection, scolding himself whenever he thinks he’s not acting politely enough or even when he makes little mistakes (I bet you can guess where that came from). It gets so bad, to where when he really does mess up badly, he flinches at S/O sudden movements. It’s a reflex, as Vanessa used to slap the Prince across the face if he ever made her upset. And while he knows very well that S/O is nothing like Vanessa, and they would never hurt him, it still brings back some unpleasant memories and he apologizes to them for “not being good enough.” If S/O reassures him, telling him that he is enough and that he shouldn’t worry about trying to impress them, Moon will then embrace them, crying happy tears and saying how much he loves them over and over.

Snatcher has a similar thing like with Moonjumper, where he doesn’t like sudden or abrupt touches. If someone were to hug him or touch him suddenly, with no warning, he’d flinch, before calming down once he realizes there’s no danger (unless it’s someone he really doesn’t like, then they’d better run). It takes awhile for Snatcher to become used to physical contact, but it takes surprisingly less time with people he trusts, like S/O. He finds it very considerate when S/O asks him for permission before hugging him, holding his hand, and especially kissing him, liking how slow and patient they are with him. And when Snatcher displays some of his nervous habits, like fidgeting with his claws or grabbing at his wrists, he finds it comforting when S/O asks him what’s wrong and offers to cuddle him, which he gladly accepts.

(This HC is a bit more angsty, so fair warning) Moonjumper has scars that he, at first, hides from S/O. He has slash marks (ones that look eerily like claw marks) that adorn his chest, shoulders, arms, and thighs; white marks that stand out from his blue skin. No surprise here, they came from Vanessa (after she had turned monstrous) and he hides these scars because they bring back unpleasant memories of his time locked away in the basement... that, and he’s very self-conscious about them, fearing that S/O might find them disgusting. But when he finally does decides to show them, after S/O convinces him, he finds their reassurance heart-warming, with them showing empathy/sympathy for what happened to him and letting him know that he isn’t ugly or unattractive because of his scars.

Back to the nightmares HC, whenever Snatcher or Moonjumper wakes up from a nightmare, they usually wake up S/O in the process. With Moonjumper he’s immediately crying, curling up to S/O suddenly and hugging them tight, like he’s afraid they’ll disappear. With Snatcher, it’s rare to see him cry, and at first he’ll be defensive about it if S/O finds out... but eventually he’ll give into them trying to comfort him, holding them close and reluctantly asking for cuddles so he can calm down again. In both cases, both of the ghosts feel much better talking it out with S/O and having them in their arms, falling back asleep once they know they’re safe and, more importantly, that their S/O is safe.

Whenever they’re reminder of Vanessa, both Snatcher and Moonjumper act differently. With Snatcher, he becomes more distant and irritable, shutting himself down emotionally and keeping away from others. With Moonjumper, he becomes reminiscent and sorrowful, knowing that while he doesn’t love Vanessa anymore, little things still tend to remind him of her, so it’s hard for him to let go of the memories of what they once had. In both cases, it helps tremendously when S/O offers to comfort either Snatcher or Moonjumper. It will take plenty of time patience with Snatcher, as he normally pushes anyone away who even tries to bring up his past, but eventually he welcomes S/O help and kind words. And with Moonjumper, even he is reluctant to open up at first, thinking that his feelings are unnecessary or foolish, but when S/O offers to listen to him it’s a huge weight off his shoulders. In both cases, both ghosts make it clear to S/O just how lucky they are to have such an understanding soulmate, and that they’re so happy they gave love another chance.

[bittersweetmelxdy]

Hi again! Thank you so much for answering my ask! Can i ask a scenario for victor with a (super hero?) S/o who can control animals and talk to them and use their natural habilities? Like bread under water like fishes, run super fast like a chita etc? Thank you!

You sent this months ago and guess who only now got around to it, me! Jokes aside, thanks for you continued patience dear, hope you enjoy this, it was interesting to imagine MC with another Evol, apart from precognition, so I had fun with this, hope you like it xxx

Title: a hidden side of you Pairing: Victor x MC Words: 1,438

Victor at first did not believe you possessed an Evol, and thereby was fully committed to be your knight in shining armour. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe you couldn’t survive on your own, but he was surprised you had survived this long on your own. He had literally seen your clumsy self knock into the same table twice, in the span of five minutes, and you would have done it a third time if he had not moved it out of your path of movement. So, Victor felt he of all people knew the extent of your abilities, but like always, you never failed to surprise him.

You rocked back and forth on the balls on your feet, tapping the cellphone in your hand as you waited for Victor to answer.

“Hello?” Victor’s deep voice answered.

“Victor?”

“Who else would answer my phone, idiot?” Victor deadpanned, chuckling as he heard you huff and he could see in his mind’s eyes your puffed out cheeks, and pout on your lips, “Do you need something?” he asked, his tone more tender.

“Are you free on Wednesday afternoon?” you asked, worrying the nail on your thumb anxiously.

You could hear Victor tapping his pen on either his papers or his desk, and you deflated knowing Victor was keeping you waiting on purpose, checking his schedule slower than necessary just to mess with you.  

“I’m free.” Victor finally replied, and you let out a quiet sound of excitement, and over the phone, Victor felt a smile tug at the corners of the lips, “So, where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise, just pick me up at 2 on Wednesday.” You stated happily.

“Alright, see you then.”

“See you, love you Victor.”

“...”

“Victor?”

“Hmmm?”

“You going to say it back?”

“...”

“Victor!”

Victor laughed for a minute, “Dummy, love you too.” and you hung the phone, smiling as you went back to work.

Wednesday rolled around before you knew it, and once work was over you were dusting off your skirt, checking your hair in your pocket mirror, as you felt someone sling their arm over your shoulders.

“Wow Boss, you dressed a little too nice for a simple pre-shooting outing.” Willow teased, wiggling her brows at you teasingly.

You blushed, ducking your head, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Willow whistled, “I see... your using the company as an excuse for a date.” she continued to tease, her volume alerting Kiki and Anna who were close by.

“A date?” Kiki asked, “Wait, is this why you said you were fine going by yourself? You sly girl.” you rolled your eyes, as they continued to poke fun at you, when Anna cut in.

“Alright, I think her ride’s here, so let her breathe.” Anna smiled at your grateful look, and you waved at them as you left.

“Tell the CEO, we said hi!” they called, as the company door swung shut.

Reaching Victor’s car, you opened the passenger side door and climbed in, giving Victor a quick kiss on the cheek as greeting and then sitting down and clicking the seatbelt. He smiled wryly at you, watching as you inputted the address into his car’s GPS system, theatrically trying to hide the screen from him. He played along, pretending to be more confused as the ride went on and the city blended into the countryside, relishing in how proud you were that you had kept this such a secret. Once he had parked the car, and killed the ignition, he turned in his seat to look at you.

“So, why are we at Loveland’s animal research centre?” Victor asked.

“Surprise!” you beamed, shaking jazz-hands at him, “We’re doing a documentary, so they said they’d let me walk around today, before we start shooting.”

Victor nodded, and then the two of you left the car to enter the facility, he actually knew exactly where you were going, as you had mentioned to him excitedly over the phone weeks ago how you had secured the approval for the documentary. But it was more beneficial for him to feign ignorance, especially since he got to see the expressions you made. One of the researchers gave each of you a pass, and since the animals were all in enclosures, you were free to walk around freely, they would only monitor you on the video surveillance.

You and Victor walked around, and you filled him in on the history on the animals as you passed, stopping suddenly in front of an enclosure containing chameleons.

“These were rescued from some rich family that were keeping them as pets as mistreating them. You said softly pressing your hand against the glass, Victor seeing the empathy in your eyes, moved closer to you, wrapping a hand lightly around your waist.

“Do you see them?” he asked, trying to distract you slightly from your sadness.

“They’re a little scared, so they’re hiding.” you said, pointing a little further into the thicket, “Hey, don’t worry, we aren’t here to hurt you, in fact we’re going to make a show about you guys, so please come talk to me.”

Victor furrowed his brows, confused by your choice of words, but watched raptly as you looked to locate the cameras, as once you knew they wouldn’t see you, you stepped closer touching a branch one of the chameleons was on, and he was beyond surprised as he watched your hand changed. Your skin tone shifted before his eyes, changing from its usual tone until it resembled the wood of the branch, in colour and texture, your hand becoming almost an extension of your arm. The chameleon shuffled slowly over to you, before crawling onto your finger, it made a series of noises, and Victor watched, still shell-shocked, as you appeared to understand exactly what the creature was telling you.

“Wait, you understand it?”

“Him. Victor, him.” you corrected, “But yes, I do, he says he happy to meet us and he’s very happy here in the facility,” you turned to the chameleon, stroking it gently with your other hand, “I’m very happy to hear that, I know you’ve suffered.”

You spent more time with the chameleons, introducing yourself to each of them, before moving on to the other enclosures. As there were still other researchers walking around, Victor didn’t question you, afraid someone may overhear you, but he continued to observe as you displayed other abilities normal people wouldn’t be able to do. But once you were back in the car, he didn’t start the car, and the two of you sat in silence for a couple minutes.

“Um Victor, are we going home?” you asked.

“How long?” he asked, “how long have you been able to do all that?”

“I’ve always been able to talk to animals and use their abilities,” you admitted, “It’s my Evol.”

“And you couldn’t tell me?” Victor said, softly, his voice barely audible, hurt clear in his tone.

His stare was becoming a bit too much for you, and you looked down at your hands, fiddling with your fingers nervously, “I’m sure you know that most normal people don’t possess an Evol. So, when I was little, all the other children saw me as a freak and bullied me for it. So, I stopped using my Evol in front of others and pretended I didn’t have one.” You looked up at Victor, self-depreciatingly, “That didn’t stop me getting bullied in high school, but you can’t have everything, right?”

Victor reached across the console, and wrapped his arms around you, bringing you close to his chest, and breathing in the scent of your hair. You wrapped your arms around his neck, reciprocating the hug, and as you could tell Victor was struggling with his next words, you patiently waited.  

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere, so you don’t have to hide from me.” Victor smiled into your hair as he felt you nod into the crook of his neck.

Retracting from you, Victor started the car, and you began to feel a little shy having unloaded your past onto Victor and clasped your hands tightly in your lap. Before you could spiral into your thoughts, Victor placed his warm hand atop yours, coaxing your hand to turn over so he could interlace your fingers as he never took his eyes off the road, and continued to drive safely. You squeezed his hand in gratitude, and the two of you made your way home in a comfortable silence, hearts much closer than they had been before.

[hell-is-a-teenage-girll]

Hi you.

Firstly, I know you both keep hearing this, but you and S are honestly so amazing together and such an inspiration to some of us.

That being said.. did you ever feel any kind of hopelessness before you met? I am really struggling because the few times I have thought I’ve fallen in love, they couldn’t handle my mental illness (I’m bipolar). I’m just feeling so hopeless, like no one will ever love me as is.

Oh yes definitely! Alot.. But not so necessary about my autism, also because of my physical disease and limitations. I can't do a lot of things anymore, I have to cancel trips or outings a lot and I am in pain and need help or need to just lay in the bed or on the couch most of my days and I need a lot of care. Even tho I'm very stubborn and try most things on my own anyway haha which will backfire. So I'm always scared it'll be too much to take on for any one.

I'm scared to hold people back, I'm scared to be to much, to heavy. So yes I fully understand, but it's more of a fear in our head.

The thing to let that helps is whenever I meet someone, I tell them right away my limitations, and I see in people if they can handle it or not. And it's okay if people can't, because they are also human and not everyone is build to take on a a relationship with someone with (special) needs.

That being said, there are plenty people that can, and love taking care of us. I do think we need people that are unbothered by sometimes heavy personality traits or people who are able to see it separate as from who you are and know that we don't mean to be mean or difficult, but it's our minds and we have no control over some of our reactions or actions at time, and it's best if they realize it's nothing personal..

Try and find a partner with a lot of patience, a lot of empathy, and understanding and open to learning

If one of these things is already obvious not really there, don't keep hoping the person will change out of love, they probably won't and it will go wrong eventually.

Also don't settle, you WILL find someone who loves you for all your special quirks instead of in spite of them.

I truly believe that ❤❤ you are not unlovable at all.

[comelylust]

Alphabet SFW - Jin Kazama

Sorry I'm late, I started the drawing RQs and lost track of time

𝓐 = Affection (How affectionate are they?).

I feel that Jin is quite a loving man in spite of his past. We know that he had a difficult life after his mother died so I think he showed the same affection he got from his mother.

He likes to hold your hand or give you a quick hug in public, but it will still depend on who and where you are, after his grandfather's betrayal and how psychopathic his father is he doesn't want to risk putting you in danger.

𝓑 = Beginning (How would the relationship start?)

( As with Miguel I made a scenario about this long ago, I will try to recycle it and summarize it as best I can)

You had left school/work quite late, you had rushed through the streets to avoid the darkness of the night hanging over you, for the first time you decided to take a shortcut always trying to be prudent and go through the main streets.

But this day had sucked so I wanted to get home as soon as possible. As you ran through the dirty alleys you heard screams and the sound of brass hitting something in the distance, you didn't take much notice but your curiosity won out.

You sneaked up to the place where that scandal was being heard and you observed several hooded men holding knives and metal tubes while surrounding single young man who was unconscious on the floor. It was such an impression that you let out a loud gasp making the boys turn around to the place where you were hiding.

You can defend yourself perfectly but there were more men and it seemed that every minute that passed reinforcements were arriving, you tried to retreat but one of them held your arm firmly, so you threw a punch a direct blow to the perpetrator's stomach making him fall. At first the young men looked surprised but they quickly recovered their composure.

I don't want to make it any longer; so there you were, dumbfounded by the impression that the young man on the floor got up and started hitting each of the men, that young man approached you slowly tried to cover himself thinking that you were the next one he was going to attack but he just collapsed on his knees.

"sorry if I scared you" the young man mentions before he falls unconscious.

 𝓒 = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

At first he would feel a little uncomfortable and doesn't find the sense to do it, but the more you force him the more he seems to like it, he loves to wrap his arm so that your head rests on his chest. When you sleep together he loves being the big spoon.

𝓓  = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Jin is very doubtful about this at heart he wants to settle down with you but his fears and nightmares prevent him from doing so, he doesn't want to drag you into the same problems. But if you're willing to accept everything, he won't let you go anymore.

He's a lousy cook, He can't even cook himself a basic meal because he's already burned down half the kitchen, but he's good at cleaning up so you cook and he'll help you clean up.

𝓔  = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He'd be straightforward, but he'd make sure it didn't sound so cruel, he'd plan it and he'd tell you the reason to leave. He doesn't want you to understand, he just wants the relationship to end.

𝓕 = Fiancé(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

As I mentioned earlier, he needs you to be willing to accept the problems and not abandon him halfway through. You were the only person who showed empathy for him, now he feels he needs you every second of his life. But first he will settle the war between his family and when all this is done he will ask you to marry him.

𝓖 = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Physically he is very gentle with you, there are days when he will over-hug you or bother you by pinching your cheeks.

Emotional is more forceful to redirect your sadness by talking about other common issues so you don't think about it.

𝓗 = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

He likes to hug you while you are doing something important or when Jin finishes training and is all sweaty he will hug you to annoy you. Her favorite hugs are in the morning when she's about to wake up with a "good morning, honey”

𝓘 = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It takes him a long time to say it, he needs to trust his partner completely in order to tell them he loves them.

When he takes the initiative to tell her he is totally nervous and when the word Jin finally comes out it is red as a tomato. 

Even though he has told you that he loves you he prefers to show it with actions than with words and he expects the same from his partner.

𝓙 = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Jin is not jealous, he has no reason to get into that mode, but sometimes he gets cocky and shows that you belong to him.

𝓚 = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Forehead and cheek are the places he likes to kiss the most, with this action he is telling you how much he loves you.

The kisses on the lips are pure and tender, that come to the point of being intoxicating.

𝓛 = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He tends to look at them because they remind him of the quiet time of his childhood.

He's not good with them, I mean he doesn't know how to take care of them he really feels he'll mess up and do something he shouldn't, so he prefers to avoid them.

He also doesn't think about having children but if for some reason the method of contraception fails, he will make sure he is a great father and doesn't make the same mistakes as Kazuya.

𝓜 = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He gets up early enough to train, makes the coffee as the poor man can't cook anything without burning up half the room. So you'll have to get up to supervise him and Jin enjoys it quite a bit.

𝓝 = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

It usually takes a couple of hours to fall asleep, unless you give him a boost by tiring him out with some activity :D or something innocent while you brush his hair until he falls asleep.

𝓞 = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves?

It takes him quite some time to reveal his biggest secret, when he decides to do so he will do it slowly, throwing hints to prepare you when he gives you the final blow.

On the other hand, if you find out before he tells you, he will try to compensate by opening up completely and explaining everything in detail

𝓟 = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He is quite patient, so he has been seen in the most extreme situations to remain relaxed.

Even when you're all stressed out about a certain situation he'll keep a coolhead so that he can calm you down.

𝓠 = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember.

He remembers everything about you, even if it's been months since you told him you liked something, he remembers it perfectly.

𝓡 = Remember (What is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

He remembers the moment when he talked about his mother, how he was devastated by her unjust death and the anger it had provoked in him, he may look a little sad but it was when he began to believe that you were the right person.

𝓢 = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Secretly he's very overprotective knowing the shit that his family can be, so he'll try to keep an eye on you but he won't overpower you, he'll just keep you from the problems that it can cause.

Even if he knows that you can defend yourself and is confident in your abilities there will always be a protective pang towards you.

𝓣 = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Jin is simple, but he really tries hard to meet all your expectations. Even if you tell him that it is not necessary he will do it anyway because he feels that you deserve the best.

𝓤 = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Training late, sometimes even his body is no longer able to resist and is about to collapse he will not stop.

𝓥 = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks? Do your looks bother them?)

I don't think he's a vain man and he doesn't care if he looks sloppy, he just cuts his beard to stay clean or cut his hair every few months.

𝓦 = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He would not tolerate losing another loved one, so yes, he would feel incomplete if you were not with him.

𝓧 = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

He likes to watch you while you're doing some hobby

He doesn't like to take you to competitions and he doesn't like you watching them on TV either, he'd block the channel if necessary.

𝓨 = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He doesn't like people who push him too hard either to tell a secret or to do something in general.

He also doesn't like people who point out his faults.

𝓩 = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs? Does it change around a partner?)

He's a light sleeper and tends to mumble things when he has nightmares.

Be prepared to sleep without a blanket as he tends to steal it for himself

[sternenteile]

★ @burstbombbitch​ asked:  What traits, actions, hobbies, or habits did your character pick up from their parents? What things of these things did they see their parents do and then decide actively *not* to do the same? If they had no parents, use whatever source of nurture they developed from.

this is quite the mess of a family.  geno technically has nine guardians of sorts. yes, nine. first is merle, second are the seven star spirits, and most recently is rosalina. primarily, he was raised by the first eight during his childhood (with hardly any large involvement from rosalina due to star societal boundaries long established, more than likely), so that’s where most of his inherited traits lie.

from merle, i would say that geno’s warmth absolutely comes from him. merle is perhaps the most comforting person he knows, bearing not only the right things to say, but also the right things to do to instill a sense of safety. nostalgia may fuel that, yes, but even now, visiting starborn valley and seeing merle makes geno feel secure. whether or not it’s done consciously, he pursues dealing that same level of cozy comfort and understanding to the people around him. he will absolutely bundle a friend up in a blanket, offer them some cocoa, and tell them some fun stories by the campfire to brighten their mood.

from the seven star spirits, i’d say he has tiny shreds from all of them, whether he likes to admit it or not. from eldstar, he’d learned to be stern and blunt, but only when necessary. (as a side note, this also counts as something he does not want to do, to be unfairly harsh for something that does not require it. his and eldstar’s definitions of such things... differ dramatically.) 

the rest? mamar, when he was at his youngest, used to hum lullabies to him, something he, too, picked up. skolar taught him the importance of learning and observation, and so geno has gained a keen eye. muskular helped him figure out how to control his star power, so he picked up the desire to push it to its limits while still able to handle it. misstar, much like eldstar, passed down tough honesty, but her case bears a little more immaturity than the elder star. it certainly helped to influence his combative and rebellious side, much to her dismay. klevar offered philosophy and forward-thinking, something geno quickly picked up on, given his moments of quick wit and innovation (for better or for worse). finally, kalmar taught him patience, understanding beyond someone’s flaws —— which makes it easy to see why geno got along with him best.

not all is fine and dandy with the other spirits, though. most of his beef may be with eldstar, but he has qualms with the rest of them. mamar is at times too doting, to the point of unintentionally ignoring some stars (such as geno himself as he grew older) while pouring her all into others. skolar often took things too face value and with logic over emotion, and while less miffed than eldstar, they commonly maintained the same traditionalist logic for their people. muskular is optimistic to the point of little white lies, handing talk of family and togetherness when life upon the star haven, at least for geno, was often more cold and distant. misstar behaves out of turn in terms of childish behavior, but unlike himself, she gets her mistakes waived, being one of the seven of the council. klevar applies forward-thinking to plenty of things, yet the most important thing, their people, often seems to pass him by. finally, kalmar is patient, but complacent, allowing injustices to slide while he attempts neutrality.

geno refuses to be those things. he wants to give everyone he loves the attention they deserve within his capability. he takes importance in logic, as well as emotion and empathy. he is a bright soul, but he is honest, even if it will likely sting —— for he knows the harm little white lies can cause. he sees injustices for what they are, even if they benefit him, and will reject them at his own expense. he tries to keep his priorities in line as best as he can. he is a patient sort, but he won’t let something happen if he feels it to be wrong.

as you can see, the star spirits were, despite geno’s denial, huge influences on his personality. to top it all off, we have rosalina’s sense of poise and grace, an otherworldliness and maternal energy that he ultimately admires. he wants to be seen as this incredible pantheon of hope and security when none else will give it, much as she was to him in his time of need. alas, he sometimes has the grace of a goomba on a pogo stick over a crag of rocks, but he tries his best lmao.

[everydayanth]

There have been two conversations I’ve seen going around lately:

1. Consuming media/literature because its creator is BIPOC is racist (or, the alternative: consuming media/lit because the creator is LGBTQ+ is sexist).

2. Now more than ever BIPOC needs our support.

It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t vent this somewhere, I’m going to explode all over the progress I’ve been working on with family/friends on other platforms. So, in the name of rebuilding patience, I wanted to note that:

1. Building context creates empathy and understanding. In a world where BIPOC/LGBTQ+ narratives and POVs are often suppressed or not invested in, seeking them out is necessary to create a broader personal context. Yes, choosing something based on skin color is racist, and based on sexual orientation is sexist, in the sense of the judgement’s decision point, but we do not yet live in a world where context and access is equal enough that you can choose a fantasy/Sci-fi by a BIPOC because of the quality or story alone. Their stories aren’t published at the same rate. Which means by the time they are published, the quality, imo, far surpasses a lot of other garbage that’s pushed through. But diversity isn’t yet a regulatory part of the machine, it’s still the exception, and if you don’t seek it out and demand it become normalized as part of the working order of the machine, then it will continue to be an exception. We still have to seek out diverse contexts and build our world views accordingly.

2. This is a point of change, I hope, but none of this is new. This is about changing context and how we socially think about things like history, monuments, praise, economy, rights, law, morality. This is about taking time to analyze what we think and how we think and why we think about the things we do the ways we do. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the big social push for conversation (at minimum) finally happened during quarantine – many people have time they didn’t before to actively pause and think. But this isn’t the kind of movement that ends in a few months or years. It’s the lifetime kind, it’s changing the ways we forgive ignorance or allow things we don’t want to see or ignore truths in favor of media or fiction. It’s about questioning sources and gathering our own information and forming our own understanding of reality. 

That takes context.

So it’s not now more than ever, it’s just now. Now and always, There wasn’t a more than ever, there was just always. BIPOC businesses always need your support. And not the shitty kind driven by trends. The kind that says I see you now, and I won’t unsee or forget. 

[alma-berry]

Let’s talk about The First Heir

I got a lot of asks about the matter, so while I don’t have a concrete theory, sometimes summarizing what we do know helps.

*

One of you asked for a list of people who knows about Kit’s heritage, and I actually think that’s a pretty good place to start with!

Knows for sure:

Jem & Tessa, duh

Magnus

Catarina

Ragnor

Emma

Julian

Barnabas Hale

Probably knows:

Alec - not because of Magnus, actually... he was there when Jem and Tessa heard it from the faerie in The Land I Lost

So was Lily Chen

Jace - we know they will have a familial relationship, and it’s pretty weird to keep him out if Alec already knows.

If Jace knows, and Alec knows, Clary will know.

Hypatia Vex “That’s a lie,” he said. “My father is Johnny Rook.” “And your mother?” said the deep voice of Shade, behind them. A crowd had gathered behind him, too; they couldn’t run that way. “I don’t know,” said Kit, between his teeth. To his surprise, Hypatia raised her eyebrows, as if she knew something he didn’t. (Lord of Shadows)

Mother Hawthorn - We can debate on whether or not she actually followed the line up until Kit, but she knows the gist

The prime suspect to spill the beans is Barnabas, right? He hates Kit in particular. Warlocks have patience, so I’m inclined to believe he will wait up until the best moment, where the truth will be most harmful.

Hypatia is a mystery… we know she doesn’t like shadowhunters (a subject on which COG will probably elaborate) but she’s an ambitious woman who basically wants what’s best for her people. She’ll align herself with Shadowhunters if it’s necessary, but will she also betray them if it is?

Mother Hawthorn is no friend to Shadowhunters and we remember too well how cruel she can be. She cared about Auraline, but not about her decadents. In the very end, where will she align herself?

Lily made me worried for a while because of the Janus favor thing, here’s a theory about it. But I read somewhere that Cassie said Lily probably blocked it out of her memory from lack giving a shit.

I honestly believe none of the rest will tell - not to their families and not to their friends. Emma and Julian probably know everything - they did see Kit using his magic, and we know that they went to visit the Carstairs in Devon. But for the sake of this issue, I don’t think Ty, Dru, or any of the Blackthorns will learn about Kit’s ancestry from Jules or Emma. It would be problematic if Emma would have told Christina, because of her relationship with Kieran, and even though we know both Emma and Christina could keep a secret, I don’t think Emma would risk it - it’s not her secret to tell.

*

Will Ty figure it out before all hell brakes lose?

One of the more burning questions are - did Ty see Kit making the horses disappear? He was on a tree, yes.. but he hit one of the riders with his slingshot - which means he was looking.

In GOTSM, Ty is still hurt. He won’t talk about Kit, and he won’t talk to Kit. When Livvy asked him to write him, he didn't say "I don't want to".. he said, "He won't answer". Which means he's still sure Kit is mad at him, and him staying away is respecting Kit's decision. But Ty is the sort of person that can channel his emotions into actions, into goals, like with Livvy’s death. I find it hard to believe he would refrain from such a mystery for long. At some point, he will probably channel his pain into a relentless chase after the truth. He needs rules, he needs a plan, and he needs a purpose.

Ty is definitely a proud person… that, and the fact that discussing his detachment from Kit would result in questions he doesn’t want to answer - probably means he won’t go asking Emma and Julian about Kit. So who will he ask?

The obvious answer is Ragnor, of course. He sees him all the time at school, he already knows about Livvy, and he’s an extremely old and powerful warlock. But, he won’t ever tell. He’s far too loyal to his friends, and he stands to gain from claiming he’s the one that tricked the riders ;)

The second obvious option is Barnabas. Ty was the one who noticed Hale’s weird remark (“We tolerated you because the Shadowhunters hadn’t found you yet. But now they have and it’s a hop, skip, and a jump until you find out who you really are—” “What’s that supposed to mean?” said Ty.) But will it do him any good to ask? As we know, he hates Blackthorns… and if he knew Ty was searching for that information, he could use it against him.

I did a little reading about faerie magic and warlock magic.. and I actually disagree with one of the anon’s assumptions. I don’t think Kit’s magic “screams” faerie... But when it comes to him seeing through glamour - that’s a clue alright. The Codex specifically says that fairies are considered the masters of glamour magic. It’s not an easy connection to make, but Ty is, as we know - more than capable of getting there.

Ty didn’t know that Kit’s mother was the lost Herondale. Now he has her necklace, which means he knows both of Kit’s parents had shadowhunter blood… but apparently not only. That’s a lead - one parent is a Herondale, one’s origin is unknown. One of them, at least, had more than Shadowhunter blood.

Honestly? I don’t know if Ty will come up with something significant before TWP… because we won’t be there to read about it ;) but I’m almost certain he will try.

*

Who, how and why?

The two we know for a fact that are looking at Kit’s existence are The Seelie Queen and Janus.

The main problem, when it comes to the queen, is the fact that Kit is a Shadowhunter. If it was any other way, I don’t think she would have seen him as such a potential threat… not that she knows who and what he is at the moment. Julian thought she’s not into harming Shadowhunters just for the sake of it, but the end of TDA suggests differently - she wanted the parabatai bonds to be severed so she can weaken the Nephilim. Kit, being the descendant of the first heir and a Shadowhunter is like a spit in the face of everything she and The Unseelie King tried to accomplish with their union - all of that power could be harnessed by the wrong hands.

When it comes to Janus - I am more than sure that the fact that Kit looks like Jace will not be in his favor. I said it a while back - Janus will probably look at Kit and see the past he had, and the future that was stolen from him. The similarity between them will probably be even more pronounced in TWP - and it would be like looking at a broken, twisted mirror. By the time TWP comes, Janus will be even more ruthless - because now he has someone to love. Not just the memory of loving Clary, or even the distance stalking and occasional smooching in some alley. Its Ash - he’s everything to him. He put all of the shattered pieces of his heart in Ash’s hands, and that would clean away every remnant of guilt or empathy that was left in him.

I’m kinda scared just from thinking about it.

[diamo-chan]

A bit of lore and backstory

(snippet of the ninth chapter of my unfinished unpublished fanfic in the classical trope of “let me put as much info as possible compressed into a tiny dialogue”)

not beta-read/ written on a tired mind/ english is not my native language/ my list of excuses goes on and on...

Word count: 1.7k

It was at times like these when Pheebe noticed that she was way too emotional to do her job the way it should be done. Binding her hair back into a loose ponytail she threw an exhausted glare at the blonde aristocrat who barely lifted his eyes from the book he was currently reading. A if they did not just have a war council, as if death itself was not waiting just around the gates.

“Vlad this is serious. If we want to survive this we have to work together, we have to talk like normal people.”

He turned the page, uninterested. ‘What the fuck was so important, he had to read it now?!’

“I will survive this, I’ve been through worse. And you are just food to us. A blood bag to satisfy Ivan’s needs. Why should I treat you, like you are anything special?”

Pheebe wanted to scream and flee the room. Hadn’t Vladimir disagreed to listen to her plan, they would already be all on their way to a safe place. But no, instead he was clinging to this mansion. They had more important things to take care of. And for once, she knew that Beliath would agree.

This is not about me. It is about Mary. About Ethan. Both are on the edge of death and you talk about waiting and planning”

He turns another page. But she saw the hand that held the book upright tighten against the Bordeaux hardcover. He took a deep breath to maintain his poise, before speaking with the certainty of a head of house, no room for discussion: “Ethan will manage, and if your friend doesn’t make it we can still share her blood, drain her before the battle. But we will not run into a confrontation unprepared!”

The last drop broke the barrel. How dares he even suggest using Mary in such a gruesome way? How dares he put organization above life. And at once, the words poured out before she could stop them. “I cannot understand how you can live with yourself, let alone how other people can live with you. You only care about yourself, don’t you? You don’t give a damn about the suffering of others”.

A reaction. He looked up. There was shock in his eyes, as well as a tiny warning of the storm that was rioting in his thoughts. Through tiny slits and gritted teeth he growled at her.

“You have no idea what it’s like to be immortal. Have you ever watched everyone you care about die, with nothing that you could do to stop it? You know nothing of pain and suffering!” His voice became louder and louder until, at the end, he was screaming in rage, at such a volume that Pheebe was sure, even Ivan in his room two floors above them, could hear every single word. She did not fear his anger, and he was powerless to lift his hand against her. At last, she got what she wanted and he was no longer as emotional as a stone. But he would not guilt trip her with a sad back-story or the typical “I-am-a-poor-misunderstood-immortal”-farce. Eyes hard, she brought her face closer to the blond man’s, who backed away in irritation.

“Do you know what it feels like to drive a knife through the heart of the person you love?”

At first he was taken aback by the question. Then a condescending smirk appeared on his face “Oh, yes, go on. Tell me the story of the vampire that fell in love with a hunter and gets staked down in return.”

Patience! She told herself. Think of him as a child that questions the whole world. “He was sick. Do you know what bloodlust does to a vampire?” His discomfort became more and more apparent. His eyes danced over her face on the search for some kind of weakness. She felt the threatening waves that he tried to sent off, but once again she thanked Miss Ginaldi’s team for her training. Not many Vampires have encountered bloodlust and survived it. None of the ones that Pheebe had known, at least. ”Incurable, it turns him into a feral beast, with no recognition of anything but blood.”

“How do you know that it was bloodlust? Maybe He attacked you because he just found out what you are and-“

“Because I was there when he caught it. I was there when he fought it.”, every word was pressed out with anger and frustration about Vlad’s stubbornness. About his way of denying anything he didn’t want to see or hear. “He always hoped that maybe it would go away. And he trusted me to step in if it didn’t. Because he knew who I was from the very beginning, or rather, who I was supposed to be.”

“That’s what vampires get for trusting a hunter.” Voice cold, face empty.

His expression remained calm and neutral, there was not one muscle that gave a sign of consideration, no empathy left for her words and it made her fume. Pheebe had tears brimming on her lashes, so short of falling to his ignorance. But her anger was without cause. Vlad could not have known, there was nothing he knew about her but her name and the fact, that she did not like him.

“I wasn’t a hunter back then. I was just…” she searched for a suitable word, an attempt to justify the unjustifiable, “an employee who wanted to help maintain peace.” But then her emotions dropped as pictures flashed in her memory, vivid as if she was at that place once again. Laughs, smiles, congratulations. Hands ruffling through her hair and telling her that it was time she grew up to the expectations.  So much positivity over a lost life. “You cannot imagine how proud my family was when they found us, when they saw what I have done. I don’t even know why I had that dagger with me in the first place. I swore to never touch these damned murder instruments!”

They were both breathing hard with keeping this discussion on a verbal level. The need to shake the pale boy was stagnant in Pheebes chest. Meanwhile Vlad has stood up to put his book back into the shelf, as it was apparent he would not be reading in peace with the hysterical girl in the library. Eyeing her from bottom to top his voice turned almost soothingly intrigued: “A Vampire willingly associated with someone who was connected to the circle?”

The facepalm was only mental. Of cause Vladimir would not know how the circle worked. For most of the vampire population it would remain a secret for all of their drawn-out lifetime. Meanwhile, for others, well…

“There were many vampires who worked with or for us, some voluntarily, some not.“ To sum up the whole picture Pheebe went for both extremes: “some came to council meetings, others were chained up and starving in the basement… With all those doors that my parents opened for me, to proudly present my new future, with that blood on my hands I could no longer play friends with your kind. I started my training so I can bring hope to those who don’t deem themselves worthy of it. I have saved almost fourty vampires, and it was never necessary to shed even a drop of blood for them to cooperate. Maybe they felt that I was a little like them, damned from the depth of my blood. A curse that already shows on my hands.”

Once it was pronounced the black eyes of the vampire scanned her arms to hind her hands unexpectedly bare. There were soft lines that faded on their way towards her elbow, as if drawn up with coal, fingerpainted with ashes of burned purity and hopes.

“Is that why you wear gloves?”

Pheebe nodded. “They are so I can touch my weapons. The vampire blood in my system keeps rejecting contact with the cursed materials. But it is also what keeps me immune to hypnosis and manipulation.” This was what made this discussion so hard for Vlad. She had seen the way he talked to the humen at Nikita’s party, and felt that he instantly surrounds them with his commanding aura to get his points across more easily. But talking to her was like talking to  the other house members. Futile, if she was as closed off to his point of view, as he was to her.

“Where did you get blood from our kind?” There was a little bit of disgust in his expression. But who would blame him, for not finding the aspect of being drained of your life essence, so someone else had it easier, appealing. He had never lived on that side of the food chain after all.

Suddenly she felt like a walking tome of hunter knowledge to Vladimir’s eyes. Maybe it was the way he looked at her, with morbid interest. Just how much was he allowed to know? Or rather how long would he survive to pass that knowledge on?: “It was an integral part of my training to regularly get vampire blood and venom injected, so it does not cause  turning if I die in battle or cause hallucinations when I am bitten.”

His eyebrow rose. “The effects of vampire blood in the human system are dangerous. You never know what it might cause”

Something rang in her memory as he said that sentence. She must have heard it somewhere. Or read it in a book. There were not many objectively useful tomes about vampire blood, the only ones are lost, stolen from the hunter association���s library, written during experiments and updated regularly. The last ones who were working on the manuscript were Monsieur and Madame Martine-Blanc, or so it was told.

“You know…There were two hunters who are kind of a legend in the circles, scientist, who were obsessed by the idea that the cure to any disease could lie in the blood of the elder vampires. My instructor, Doctor Ginaldi told me about them. One night they just disappeared, and took half of the inventory with them. After searching for their whereabouts for 3 month, they gave up.” And with a tiny laugh that was only encouraged by the uneasiness on the blond vampire face, she added:” And now, twenty years later, I read their names on a doorbell in the middle of fucking nowhere. Crazy, isn’t it?”

[aradia-hub]

The Rising Sign: Your Modus Operandi

Don’t know your rising sign? Get your date, location and EXACT time of birth and plug it into this free chart generator. Note that these breakdowns only provide a superficial understanding. In order to gain a full understanding of how your ascendant shows up in your life it’s best to hire a professional Astrologer.

The rising sign is arguably one of the most important aspects of a chart. It denotes the type of action we take in this world as well as the navigation device we use to take that action.

Before you incarnated into your current body, you were a soul who chose a life path which would deliver the most growth. In this selection process, you decided to come in on a specific time. That time reveals your navigation device and the more you understand this mode of delivery, the better you can propagate the settings that work best for your journey.

The device you use does not determine where you are going, but it does indicate the speed, tempo and specific route you take on your journey. Think about it this way. If you were a character in a video game, then the rising would be how your character walks, talks and moves through the game. Although this mode of operation does not describe specific external challenges, it does indicate the usual approach to said challenges.

Now that we’ve explored the context of what a rising sign is let’s dive into a more specific understanding of your own rising. This will only be a general overview as I am unaware of the entirety of your chart as well as aspects, planets, etc. which interact with your ascendant.

Aries

You came into this life destined to sure shit up and you know it! You’re on a mission to make your mark in this world and you certainly will. However, the specific type of mark you make will only reveal itself over time. For you, my sweet Aries rising, the destination is in the journey so you must learn to practice patience and shift into a place of flow. This is the ultimate lesson for someone who wants what they want when they want it, isn’t it? Oh, and try to stop running away from situations that are good for you.

Taurus

In this life, you’re meant to help create a world filled with community, altruism and authenticity. In order to achieve these goals your lesson is to stretch beyond your comfort zone. Although we all appreciate your stable, comfortable and consistent approach to life, it’s important to keep an open mind. If you want to shake up the status quo, then playing it safe is not always the way to go. Challenge yourself to step outside of your comfort zone in order to make the moves necessary to actualize change in our society.

Gemini

You know how to talk the talk, and people are comfortable coming to you with an openness that is quite unique. Thus, folks may approach you with a variety of intellectual dilemmas due to your objective and conversational nature. Although your mental agility is a gift, you must be wary of manipulating situations depending on how you feel in the moment. This type of manipulation can be helpful when you must function in the world, but if you aren’t aware of this tendency, it can unconsciously harm those around you. Cultivate mindfulness in order to determine patterns which lead you to attempt to control your environment at a dangerous level. Essentially, your lesson is to learn to go with the flow and hone your intuitive nature. Following this procedure can help you offer support that utilizes your innate objectively as well as your intuitive processes.

Cancer

As a Cancer rising, you have a trusting nature. Regardless of whether it’s your friends, family members or strangers, people know that they can count on you for a shoulder to cry on. Empathy is essentially your superpower, but it can also work to your detriment – especially when you’re in need of a nurturing friend. If you consistently open your heart without asking for any help in return, then you are likely to burn out. In this lifetime, your lesson is to learn how to nurture yourself as openly as you support others. In order to truly help others, you must learn to help yourself.

Leo

People tend to view you as someone who is charismatic, loud, fun, willful, generous and dramatic to boot. All in all, there’s no doubt that you have a shining personality! However, this can sometimes act as a cracked mask, which tends to create difficulties for your self-identity. In this lifetime, it is important for you to develop a stable and secure sense of self. Otherwise, you may lose your true self in the illusion of the performer.

Virgo

Quiet, reserved and well-poised, you’re guided through the world with a serious sense of duty. Others quickly pick up on your ability to create stability and understanding in all situations and handle crisis with ease. Simply put, there’s a predictability about you that people can rely on, which is a trait to be proud of. However, there’s likely to be a part of you that craves the unpredictable. This aspect of your personality should be supported and acknowledged. Otherwise, you are likely to unconsciously suppress your innate instincts and feel a sense of imbalance. Allow yourself to break free of the mold and live outside of the box – if only periodically.

Libra

Harmony and balance are necessary aspects of functioning well in this world. Luckily, we have people like you who can shift inequalities with a simple snap of your fingers. The objective insight you possess helps to provide flow and a touch of power in any given situation. This power comes from your intellectual strength and ability to “read the room”. Although this is an essential personality trait to diplomats and party people alike, it can cause you to undervalue the importance of emotions. This is especially true of your own emotional nature. Engage in reflective work in order to uncover these emotions and work with them fully. Otherwise, you may unhealthily bottle them up, which is counterproductive for the balance you seek.

Scorpio

Although you may prefer to linger in the shadows, in this lifetime you are being beckoned to stand in the spotlight. The truth is that you’re a leader in your own right, and you can’t lead from behind the curtain! You’ve done a great deal of work soaking up the wisdom of your experiences, and it’s time to disseminate that knowledge to those in need. Your ability to help the loners, the idealists and the depressed of the world is unparalleled.

Sagittarius

As a light-hearted and flexible individual, you tend to approach the world with a sense of freedom and expansive curiosity. This helps you explore and tackle issues with grace and ease. As beneficial as this may be, your light-hearted approach can often get in the way of nailing down details necessary to accomplish your goals. Thus, in this lifetime, it’s crucial for you to learn how to tap into a more practical approach. Otherwise, you may run into the various mistakes that come with neglecting smaller details.

Capricorn

Your approach to life tends to be serious, steadfast and focused. In other words, you know how to get the job done and people can count on you for your input on serious matters. This earns you a strong reputation of a diligent, trustworthy and hard worker. It can also create a tendency towards inflexibility and a lack balance within your process. Although this helps you to achieve your aims, it can cause you to neglect the importance of a life well-lived. Yes, it takes determination to achieve goals, but what’s the use of achieving them if you can’t enjoy the process?

Aquarius

As an Aquarius rising, you tend to come across as unpredictable, headstrong and freedom-seeking. These traits earn you the badge of the typical innovative wildcard who people look to for inspiration. You’re a trendsetter and, by no means, are a follower. This makes you someone who can prompt a change in the world, but also can lead toward challenges regarding follow through. If you want to initiate the type of world you desire, then it is important to develop a more predictable approach to your goals. I’m not saying you must throw away your wild card – maybe it’s just time to throw in some more stable options.

Pisces

It can be difficult to pin you down, and people might have a hard time knowing where they stand with you. What can I say? You tend to live in the world of the unconscious, artistic inspiration and spirituality. These are all beautiful parts of life, but they may lead to disillusionment. This causes you to live in a pink cloud of confusion and take others with you. The problem arises when you neglect the importance of a stable framework. Even artists need a philosophy to move and flow with. Thus, it’s important to develop an understanding of what you desire and how you’d like to go about achieving your goals. Even a “fuck it” philosophy provides some framework to build upon!