#a wrong thing an adult taught us when we were younger

[traumasurvivors]

I wrote a blog post about how harmful it can be to have your emotions invalidated growing up. It's here if you want to check it out! I'll paste the text below the read more for people who don't like links, but if you're comfortable, I really appreciate getting hits on my site! It feels really validating after all the work I've put into it. I've opted to not have any ads or anything to monetize my site, so it isn't like those annoying clickbait articles.

The effects of having our emotions invalidated while we’re growing up isn’t talked about enough and it can have lasting effects. This can happen when people say things like “you don’t know real struggles” when a younger person is upset about something they’re struggling with. This might include being told “I’ll give you something to cry about” which implied that the reason you were crying then “wasn’t a big enough reason”. Other people may have had to deal with “worse” problems and so we were told to be thankful for what we had because of what other children experienced. Your feelings of sadness, frustration, disappointment or anger were still real and valid. And you were allowed those feelings.

You may have been told to “stop being so sensitive,” which taught that you weren’t tough enough. You may have also been told “it builds character” which may have made you feel that you had to find a positive lesson in every bad thing you experienced. This can also be part of how people invalidate the seriousness of abuse, and other things that happened to you that were someone else’s fault. If someone doesn’t want to take responsibility, they may minimize what happened to you. They may say it’s okay because “they didn’t mean to do it” or “they don’t know any better,” perhaps because of abuse they went through. Your feelings may be invalidated because someone wants you to “let it go.” How serious they feel it was, or the reasons it happened, are not reasons that your feelings should be ignored or disregarded. Your feelings are valid. You should never have to “let it go.” 

These things that we were told, and many more, taught us that our emotions were bad and wrong. It likely felt invalidating. It may have been damaging And it probably affects how we see the emotions of others. I’ve had people say similar things to me now that I’m an adult, and I think it’s likely they do it because they were told things like these when they were younger, too. Over time, this has led to me invalidating my own feelings. I’ve told myself I should be strong and to avoid such feelings, or that the reasons for them weren’t “big enough”. I told myself that others had it worse than me, therefore I wasn’t allowed to be upset. None of these things helped me. Instead, they actually made me worse off. I bottled stuff up and then began using unhealthy coping methods to deal with the emotions. Having our emotions invalidated as we grow up can be traumatizing in its own way. It also doesn’t teach us how to effectively deal with and process our negative emotions. This can lead to people having fits of uncontrollable rage, spirals of depression and guilt, substance abuse to avoid feelings, and any number of other unhealthy reactions that can cause us more harm and prolong everything or make it worse.

Being unable to cope with my feelings was a big part of me not being able to cope with conflict in my relationships. Downplaying any “bad” thing that happened and ignoring it meant, for instance, I wouldn’t point out and deal with a small (sometimes completely unintentional) mistake. Instead, I let my feelings build without communicating about them and let my resentment build. By the time I acknowledged and spoke about my feelings, the problem was a thousand times worse than it would have been if I had dealt with it quickly. And sometimes it was too late to fix the damage done.

It’s not too late to learn and do better. You don’t have to be thankful it wasn’t “worse”. You don’t have to find a silver lining. While it’s important not to get stuck in our feelings long-term, sitting with them and feeling them and acknowledging you aren’t okay is okay! It’s okay to think something sucks or that it wasn’t fair. It’s okay to feel frustrated or sad over “small” things. Sometimes we don’t even understand why a situation or something has left us having such big feelings, and that’s okay, too! Your feelings are real and valid, even if they don’t make sense to you. And you deserve patience and compassion. Especially from yourself.

When you have negative feelings, if you find yourself minimizing them, or telling yourself why you don’t have a right to feel them, stop and try to be aware of what you’re doing. And allow yourself to feel it if you can. I've often had to remind myself that while it is uncomfortable, I can be uncomfortable and sit with my feelings. Think about if there’s a healthy response you can have to those feelings. For instance, if someone said something hurtful to you, talking to them about it might be a lot more productive than acting like you don’t care. Your feelings are valid. And invalidating them yourself is unlikely to be good for you.

Try to remember that, and try to be kind to yourself.

[myfandomrealitea]

“Proshippers are dangerous to children!”

Me, reading “immoral” books since age 11, 16 now, yet to have killed, raped, or tortured anyone:

Children are not put in danger simply by exposure to specific things. In fact, for many things, the sooner we learn them the better. I know a lot of people are going to interpret this in bad faith and the worst possible way, but;

Children actually need to be exposed to things in order to actually understand them and properly learn about them in a safe manner that will set the groundwork for the rest of their life.

I'll use an example that has absolutely nothing to do with sex or anything 'proship.'

The good old 'the dog went to live on a farm' analogy. When I was younger and my pets died my parents always told me that my pets had gone to live with other families who needed hem more. That pets were like Nanny McPhee; they went where they were needed.

This devastated me.

I spent years wondering what I'd done wrong. Why I wasn't good enough. Why my beloved pets had decided I didn't need or love them anymore. Where had they gone? Why had they gone? Did they love their new families more than me?

Literal years spent plagued with torment until I hit a new school year and we learned properly about death in biology. Then I spent weeks feeling betrayed, ridiculed and stupid because my pets hadn't abandoned me for a more deserving family. They'd up and died.

And death is sad, yes. I would've been sad for weeks. Months, maybe. I'd miss them forever. But I understood death. I would've understood and accepted death far quicker than I did the notion that the pets I loved so much had simply up and decided to fuck off one day.

If my parents had been honest with me they could've used my pets' deaths as opportunities for literally so many things. How to understand and deal with grief. How to understand and accept death. How to mourn. How to reminisce. How to manage and process and understand and accept my emotions. How to ask for comfort and self-soothe.

Instead all they taught me was that they thought I was too stupid to understand things and that I could've trust a word they said anymore.

Honestly the overbearing safety net we trap children in only robs them of opportunities to be healthy, functioning, developed adults. Children do not need to be sheltered from the entire world until we suddenly drop-kick them into it at 16 or 18.

I'm not saying we need to start hounding eight year olds about pornography and fictional shipping. But what we do need to do is safely introduce them to the world they live in and give them the tools needed to live in it.

[punkeropercyjackson]

It is beyond dumb and annoying as fuck when people look at characters who're in intergenerational friendships and immediately jump to pedopjacking the older character even if their dynamic is healthy because it blatantly overlooks WHY kids and adults being close friends can be bad.It's not a problem on it's own,the problem is a lot adults don't actually care about kids or are fucking ped0s and the solution isn't not let them interact except relatives fullstop,it's to teach younger how to identify predators so they can stay away from them and pretty much nobody who's insistent on the thing i'm talking about does it!In latino cultures like mine,it's normalized for children and older folks to be close even with no blood relations to form a stronger and safer community and it's also normalized to tell kids that it's wrong for adults to view them sexually(admitedly,this is sadly not universal but there's tons of latino regions where pedophiles are considered not people)

Kids and adults CAN have real friendships but it's important for the adults in them to establish proper boundries and not use the younger person as a therapist and in fact,it should be the other way around because it's the job of older people to be positive figures in younger ones lives they can count on and since i'm an eldest sibling who's always gotten along with their little siblings,i enjoy hanging out with and taking care of younger people and not expecting adult behavior from them because that's what my s/os and adult friends are for!It's also a personal thing for me because i got bullied growing up and had absolute ass adults all around me so this is my way of breaking the cycle of abuse by being the person for my bio siblings and my intergenerational friends i wished i'd had and i see the latter as my siblings too(and vice versa)since it's a culture thing i was raised in to see your friends as the same as family

'Why would an adult be close friends with a kid?That's weird!'Because kids are people with feelings and personalities of their own and not 'puritans' or 'stupid' or 'losers' or 'taking up space' or 'should know better even if they weren't taught better' and some of us reacted to experiencing child abuse by growing up to care about kids because we were once them too and the fact that you'd rather believe nobody could ever love a child in a familial way without abusive intentions says a lot about you with how you treat them in general,hope this fucking helps bitch!!!!

[chaifootsteps]

Imagine children, younger people having vivzie as basically their whole world. Accepting her as such a large part of their limited experiences. And they know of all her controversies but shrug it off as normal. "HaTeRs goNNa hAtE!! Slander and lies!! If I get to be a creator like Vivzie, I'll roast all my jealous haters too! VIVZIE told us we were valid <3"

It's so fucking sad when children's idol is an absolute dumpster fire, they normalize it, and adults around them don't have the capability/knowledge to communicate properly with them about why they're wrong about Viv. To tell them, it's okay to make that kind of mistake if they can learn, and make amends with anyone they may have hurt along the way.

Damn… there are so many other creators out there for y'all to admire and COMPARE especially. I'm happy for anyone if they GENUINELY feel happy in a Vivzie/HH/HB bubble, but nobody can ever survive by staying static in one place, knowing one single thing their entire life. You HAVE to look everywhere, you HAVE to keep all options open. Not only it gives you "emergency escape routes" but it teaches you more about the world, even if it makes what you've known this whole time seem smaller and smaller… that's kinda the point.

Idk naivete and dependence makes me sad, and it's even sadder when jerks can't control their anger to mindlessly blame/shame them, when they literally haven't been taught about better alternatives. Especially when they're VICTIMS of viv's lovebombing, and getting mad at them only makes them defensive and more in denial, so BOTH them and the angry jerks lose in this situation.

I get a lot of sad asks, Anon, and this one made me sadder than anything has in a while.

[nrth-wind-a]

Okay folks strap in. Sejanus Plinth is not naïve, and he does not blindly trust Coryo. He does understand what he's saying when he speaks out against the games.

I have a few reasons for thinking this way.

One: Sejanus is a smart kid. He not only grasps the situations that he's put into, but he also shows very clearly that he can extrapolate important information from them, and then use it to think critically of the systems in place. Just about everyone recognizes that killing kids is wrong. Many of the people of the capitol themselves in this era recognize that it's a morally incorrect action to take. However. They are also willing to put that morality aside in favor of what they believe is a justification which makes it right. They are taught-- especially Sejanus's class-- that it is a necessary punishment in order to restore fairness after a period of uncertainty, danger, and unfairness (after all, it is unfair that citizens suffered from a war enacted by a small few in power). In addition, many of Sejanus's classmates were, like him, eight or younger when the war ended. The only thing they remember from the war was how it affected them, and reasonably so, given that they were children. They were then taught, from early development, that they were wronged. And they have no reason to doubt that; after all, the war did hurt them.

Unlike the other children in his class, however, Sejanus recognizes the one fact that he has a particular proclivity, being district-born, to recognize: The war was not fought by the district children like him, like Marcus. It was fought by the adults who, conveniently, are left out of the reach of the games. He draws on the things that he has learned, especially as someone with a foot in both the districts and the capitol, in order to come to a conclusion about what is happening in front of them, to them, and to the people around them.

Sejanus's perspective is never revealed to us, given the point of view of the book, and so, for an outsider, like Snow-- someone solely capitol-born and severely indoctrinated-- all he and others believe is that Sejanus is upset that children are being killed. And that's part of it. But Sejanus is also upset because he recognizes the bigger picture, and he calls it out: “You've no right to starve people, to punish them for no reason. No right to take away their life and freedom. Those are things everyone is born with, and they're not yours for the taking. Winning a war doesn't give you that right. Having more weapons doesn't give you that right. Being from the Capitol doesn't give you that right. Nothing does.”

Notice that he isn't just talking about the games, there. He is talking about the bigger picture: that the victor of a war is enacting its power post-war in a way that compromises the freedom and rights that every individual is not only deserving of, but entitled to.

Keep track of this belief of Sejanus's-- it's going to come into play a lot here. The most important thing to remember is that with this belief, it follows that Sejanus would also believe that we, human being to human being, have a right to secure these rights not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us, too. Simply put: Sejanus believes that we have a duty to help each other. This is seen when he brings food to Marcus, then asks Snow to help him, expecting that Snow will help Lucy Gray, who will help the other tributes, which could inspire others to help the tributes as well, and so on, and so forth. A duty to each other.

Two: I touched on it a bit above, but I want to re-iterate it here. Everything that we read in TBOSAS is from Coriolanus Snow's point of view.

And sure, this is obvious, but it's a very important thing to keep in mind when thinking about characters from this book, as well as the story events that take place. We can reasonably assume that Suzanne Collins didn't feed us complete lies about the story, of course, but what we should note always is that everything in the story is told through a filter, and that filter has proven itself to be an unreliable narrator.

We aren't supposed to believe Snow at face value: and neither does Sejanus.

This is most clear in two spots: first, when Sejanus recognizes correctly that Snow is a calculating individual who watches others before interacting with them (for his own gain), and second, when Sejanus lies to Snow (something that is not a one-time occurrence).

Sejanus understands that Coryo cannot always be trusted. The reason that he does, in the end, is that he is still an optimist: he believes that if he provides Snow with enough chances to do the right thing, that eventually, he will. (A duty to each other).

This is because of one overarching point that the book as a whole makes: the book shows us, the readers, the sheer volume of choices that Snow was given that could have kept him from going down the path that he did. He was given countless second chances to do something for the benefit of someone else. He was given countless second chances to not take control over another person's life. He was given countless second chances to care about the people around him.

And he didn't take a single one.

Sejanus's mistake was not trusting Snow. It was not believing that someone selfish could do something selfless. In fact, it wasn't even Sejanus's mistake. He did exactly what he was supposed to do according to his own world view: he didn't try to control Snow's choices for him, and instead, he kept extending mercy after mercy, in the hopes that Coryo would realize that everyone deserves agency, freedom, life, food, and love. (A duty to each other).

It was Coriolanus Snow who continued to choose the wrong choice every time.

(A small addition: there is not a doubt in my mind that Sejanus knows that Snow sold him out).

Three: Speaking of Sejanus being sold out-- let's discuss that pesky thing called consequences.

Sejanus has been given a reputation of being too stupid and naïve to understand that speaking out against the capitol might have consequences.

I disagree-- to an extent.

I think the truth of the matter is far more nuanced. The trouble is, we can't know what Sejanus was thinking, due to the issue raised in point two: that we only see Sej through Snow's eyes.

But now I want to circle back to point one: Sejanus is a critical thinker. We know he is smart. And as addressed in point two: he didn't blindly trust Snow. He hoped, of course, that another person would choose to do the right thing, but that doesn't necessarily correlate with stupidity or an inability to recognize that other people disagree with what he says, and that there might be consequences for that.

However, since I do believe that there is one explanation that could provide some insight into why Sejanus decided to act out, even with all the risks of doing so (aside from the character trait: Good Person TM), I'd like to point it out here:

Sejanus is affluent. Even in 2, it can be assumed that his life was comfortable. He shows marks of someone who's lived comfortably for at least most of their life: a constant supply of food, to the point that there's excess, squirreled away money, the likes of which even Snow is shocked by, and a good education, which the book informs us was paid for at a hefty fee.

Perhaps Sejanus isn't spoiled or ungrateful-- but one thing we can recognize, as a fact, is that he doesn't often face consequences for his actions (his father pays them away). This is covered in the trilogy, when Katniss herself recognizes that the people in twelve cannot afford the luxury of speaking out against the capitol, as they are barely surviving, much less able to fight. She recognizes something that is even true for America today: it would take all of us, at once, to rise up together, or we will be beaten back down by the inability to eat, to rest, to learn. To save up money to fall back on in times of strike.

Sejanus is lucky enough that he is in a position where he can speak out-- and he does. I'm not saying that he has any less of a valid point due to his wealth. It was largely luck that he ended up that way-- the same way that it was random (bad) luck that Snow's fortune was lost.

But we are supposed to think of Sejanus and Coryo as foils. Sejanus is everything that Snow is not: both rich (something that Snow wants to be) and kind (something that Sejanus wants Snow to be).

At the end of the day, the fact is: Sejanus has had a safety net for most of life. And whether he's using it for good or bad intentions, it doesn't take a detective to figure out that he's got it-- which means that I think he knows he has it, for a time. Sejanus knows that whatever trouble he might get into, it probably won't cost him his life. He is using his position of power and affluence in exactly the right way-- until he goes too far and walks over a line that steals the net out from under him. Because, at the end of the day, the more he escalates, the more the capitol must also. The bigger waves that he makes, the harder the retaliation has to be.

The problem is: Sejanus has to make bigger moves, or else nothing will change.

Sejanus likely knew that eventually, the net would go away. He just didn't know when. And he couldn't have known. There are some things that an eighteen-year-old just will not see coming, safety net or not, intelligent or not, determined or not.

The story of a character who is reduced to someone who speaks out against what's wrong in a book simply because we as the audience know that it's wrong is just a morality lesson in disguise. And pardon me for saying so, but I don't think that's what Suzanne Collins had in mind.

However, the story of a boy who knew that he was playing with fire, but decided to purposefully hope ("a lot of hope is dangerous") that everyone else around him would do the right thing in the end (a duty to each other)... That story? That is a story that I buy would come from the same pen that wrote about an uprising which stemmed from that very same belief system.

--

Bonus:

One extra note that I want to make: I can't control whether someone finds Sejanus annoying or not. Everyone is entitled to their feelings on the matter regardless of what I think about it. That said, I would encourage anyone who feels that way to consider why he comes across as one-dimensional, foolish, or annoying at times. Consider what would happen if we got THG from Snow's point of view: do you think that Katniss would not have been given the exact same treatment? A young rebel who doesn't know what game she's playing and so seems childish and reckless? The book is a skewed bias, and that's what makes the story so compelling to me. That's what makes Sejanus so compelling to me. Coryo sees him as stupid, idealistic, and doomed to get himself killed.

It is significant to me, then, that Coriolanus Snow makes that happen by his own hand.

I ask: Was Sejanus doomed to die for his beliefs, or was Coriolanus doomed to kill Sejanus for his?

[asherisawkward]

Please note that this is very much a rant about their school system that deals with/mentions topics like grooming, sexual assault/abuse, pedophilia, and the sex education system as a whole.

If any of these topics are triggering or upsetting for you, do not read this post.

Considering a post I just reblogged on banned books and sex education, I figured I’m going to make a post explaining my stance on this, so I can point people here if I ever get asks about this kind of stuff.

I went to a middle of the country school when I was in middle school and my first year of high school, but it definitely was smaller and had a southern vibe. If that makes no sense, look up “Tornado Alley,” and that’s about where I was.

My school system did two years of middle school and four years of high school, and I had some sex education. Rather, I had one class period per year in middle school. I went through this class twice.

It did not teach anything substantial about sex. It did not explain what reproductive organs were or how they worked; it did not explain what sex was; it did not teach me about how to use a condom or even what one was. It did not teach me about consent or what rape and sexual abuse or assault. I didn’t even know what that was.

Do you want to know what I learned?

I learned about some STIs/STDs. The guy showed pictures of them in class and explained the symptoms entirely through sickening food comparisons that have left me having trouble eating/looking at any of those foods today (example: he compared syphilis to pepperoni) He did made no actual attempt to explain how they were contracted (beyond “I told [name] not to lick the pepperoni; he licked the pepperoni”) or where they originated from.

You know what else he taught me?

Apparently, sex felt good.

I had no understanding of what any sort of sexual assault/abuse was, and my basic reaction to the vague concept I was aware of was, “just run away.” (An incredibly toxic and victim-blaming mindset that I am ashamed of to this day.) If I had been in a situation where I was being raped or groomed or in a situation akin to that, I would not have known what was happening to me was wrong and needed to be reported. Fortunately, I wasn’t.

And, for the record, my boyfriend had to explain to me how sex works when I was sixteen, because I still didn’t know. And that supposedly helpful sex ed did nothing to help me.

About the same time my boyfriend explained to me how things actually worked in the bedroom, when I was still sixteen, I met a man who visited the neighborhood occasionally because he had a job in lawn maintenance. He was always friendly to me whenever we met. I didn’t know his name, but I saw him when I went on walks around the neighborhood, and we exchanged pleasantries. I thought he was nice.

He had the habit, whenever we saw each other from afar, of blowing kisses to me. I thought he was trying to be grandfatherly. I didn’t knew what it was, and I still don’t really know what to classify it as.

One day, he approached me in his truck and started speaking to me. He asked me my name and if I had a boyfriend. I gave my name and said yes. He told me I was pretty and he liked me. Then he asked me if I wanted to have sex. This man was in his fifties or sixties, and I’ve been mistaken by people for being a couple years younger than I am. There was no way he could have thought I was an adult. I had mentioned going to high school sometimes when we had taker before.

I walked back home, terrified that he would drive by me, throw me in the back of the car, and I’d end up assaulted and eventually dead in a ditch. He didn’t, but I was terrified the entire time.

I wish I had known this stuff sooner, and I didn’t even experience anything that bad. Knowing about It wouldn’t have stopped that from happening, but maybe I could have seen that a man in his fifties or sixties blowing kisses at a sixteen year old kid was not normal.

Imagine how it could have helped for people who go due experience trauma and weren’t lucky the way at I was. People could have figured out the signs of abusive partners or figured out that behaviors indicators of grooming or predatory behavior. It would allow people to know what to report to authorities.

To sum up the product of my ranting/venting; sex education is just as important aspect of of growing up as secular education, and it is vital for the prevention, report, and punishment of abuse and assault.

[jackoshadows]

“Harma and the Bag of Bones don’t come raiding for fish and apples. They steal swords and axes. Spices, silks, and furs. They grab every coin and ring and jeweled cup they can find, casks of wine in summer and casks of beef in winter, and they take women in any season and carry them off beyond the Wall.”

“And what if they do? I’d sooner be stolen by a strong man than be given t’some weakling by my father.”

“You say that, but how can you know? What if you were stolen by someone you hated?”

“He’d have t’ be quick and cunning and brave t’ steal me. So his sons would be strong and smart as well. Why would I hate such a man as that?”

“Maybe he never washes, so he smells as rank as a bear.”

 “Then I’d push him in a stream or throw a bucket o’ water on him. Anyhow, men shouldn’t smell sweet like flowers.”

“What’s wrong with flowers?” - Jon, ASoS

I like how Jon’s first argument against stealing someone vs arranged marriages is ‘But what if they smell bad?’ Love a man who gives importance to good hygiene!!

More importantly apart from the issues of consent at the start, rereading Jon’s ASoS chapters is making me like Jon and Ygritte together. I feel like they make a good parallel to Arya and Gendry (more adult though) in terms of being like a little romcom with their banter. They are also the definition of bittersweet.

“Let’s not go back t’ Styr and Jarl. Let’s go down inside, and join up with Gendel’s children. I don’t ever want t’ leave this cave, Jon Snow. Not ever.” - Jon, ASoS

The poignancy of these chapters are mainly because of Jon’s love for her and his conflict about helping the Watch. Their back and forth arguments and the clash of cultures is interesting to read.

I know one thing. I know that you are wildling to the bone. It was easy to forget that sometimes, when they were laughing together, or kissing. But then one of them would say something, or do something, and he would suddenly be reminded of the wall between their worlds. - Jon, ASoS

I love how GRRM associates ‘You Know Nothing’ with their relationship - this is where Jon starts to understand the Freefolk as people, as human beings instead of seeing them as the enemy. This is where he starts to see both sides

We look up at the same stars, and see such different things. - Jon, ASoS

For example, when they argue about the women being stolen vs given into marriage by their fathers. Ygritte has a point, what’s the difference with Cersei being given into marriage to an abusive rapist like Robert Baratheon and a girl being stolen by the Freefolk? Or Lysa Tully and Jon Arryn? Or Ramsay Bolton and his bride?  Marital rape is a still a thing in Westeros.

“And what if they do? I’d sooner be stolen by a strong man than be given t’some weakling by my father.”

Jon caught her wrist. “What if the man who stole you drank too much?” he insisted. - Robert Baratheon

“What if he was brutal or cruel?” He tightened his grip to make a point. - Robert Baratheon

“What if he was stronger than you, and liked to beat you bloody?”

“I’d cut his throat while he slept. You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Ygritte twisted like an eel and wrenched away from him. - Jon, ASoS

And here is Cersei

The queen's face was hard and angry. "Would that I could take a sword to their necks myself." Her voice was starting to slur. "When we were little, Jaime and I were so much alike that even our lord father could not tell us apart. Sometimes as a lark we would dress in each other's clothes and spend a whole day each as the other. Yet even so, when Jaime was given his first sword, there was none for me. 'What do I get?' I remember asking. We were so much alike, I could never understand why they treated us so differently. Jaime learned to fight with sword and lance and mace, while I was taught to smile and sing and please. He was heir to Casterly Rock, while I was to be sold to some stranger like a horse, to be ridden whenever my new owner liked, beaten whenever he liked, and cast aside in time for a younger filly. Jaime's lot was to be glory and power, while mine was birth and moonblood."  - Cersei, AFfC

What Cersei describes here is no different to Jon’s argument against the Freefolk stealing away girls from the North. The one is no better than the other. Of course there’s always Ned and Catelyn as a positive for arranged marriages. But then there’s also Alys Karstark and Sigorn, the Magnar of Thenns.

Whichever way you look at it, the women are on the loosing end.

[kylosbreedingkink]

Luke and Ben's relationship, my thoughts

What we know:

Ben went to Luke at around 10. 

We know Snoke was talking to Ben from a young age, but the youngest instance we have in canon of this so far is at around age 13/14 (From TRoKR comic). The conversation implied that they knew one another well, supporting the fact that they spoke from an even younger age.

At age 16, Ben was running the academy in Luke’s absence. He was also giving classes and had a lot of responsibility.

We know that Luke wanted Ben to take on the academy after him, and that Luke would have been trying to prepare Ben for this eventuality.

Ben found the pressure difficult, and the expectations on him from being who he was. We know this from what he told Tai in TRoKR. He claims that even his own name isn’t his own (Being named after someone else, someone great)

We know that Luke wanted to set up a Jedi school to help Force sensitives and to bring back the force of good that the Jedi were in the past.

Luke himself never went to Jedi school and so wouldn’t have experienced the pros and cons himself. We as viewers would know them, but how would Luke? Presumably texts written by the Jedi themselves would have focused on how it was supposed to go and how the perfect scenario would look like, rather than going through all the mistakes. It’s normal for people to write about the good things and espouse their values rather than all the things that went wrong.

We know that Luke is a good person, a nice guy, and generally quite optimistic. We also know he has moments when anger gets the better of him. Which is natural given all that the guy has gone through in life, not showing any negative impact of that would be bizarre to say the least.

Ben wasn’t the only one helping him with lessons, Shadow of the Sith referenced another person. I don’t believe it’s known if this person was also another student or more of a responsible adult that taught other classes that Luke was not qualified in.

Ben had issues with his emotions. This is referenced to him as a child, and is clearly seen in all three ST films. Now this is a whole other topic on the influences grooming can have on a child right through into adulthood but that would be a Kylo & Snoke topic. Though we do know that emotion affects the Force and how people use it. Someone very emotional would have more issues with this.

Luke AFAIK never references Snoke directly. Leia did, but not Luke.

What we don’t know:

The exact reason for the breakdown of their relationship, though we can infer bits from what we do know, mostly it is HC

How much training Luke had to run a school. Teaching isn’t a simple thing, and he is not only teaching but running a boarding school. He was the sole parental figure for a lot of children. Even if kids still had access to their parents, it was still Luke who they saw daily, who taught them, helped them, etc. It’s a lot of work.

Exactly how much help did Luke have. A school is a lot of work and requires teachers, cooks, counsellors, administration, and all that. 

I believe that Luke and Ben had a good relationship for most of their time together, though there were also bits where it broke down over time. This would be normal. Ben spent his teen years with Luke, and teens naturally gravitate away from authority figures and start questioning everything. Teens have doubts, and fears. The tactics that work on calming a child would not work on calming a teenager. 

Luke would have been a father figure to Ben. There had already been a distancing of Ben and Han, we do not know why yet. However in TFA Han mentions not having seen his son in a very long time, implying not since he was young. Some fans take this to mean he had not seen him since he joined Jedi school. (Han also talks like there was some sort of event which made him scared of Ben, referencing him being dark)

Due to the absence of Han, naturally Ben would have gravitated towards a new father figure in Luke. We know he hero worshipped Luke when a young teen, as seen clearly in TRoKR. Ben may have perhaps viewed their relationship as more a father-son type deal whereas Luke would have naturally kept to an uncle-nephew one, as why wouldn’t he? In this scene in TRoKR, Ren refers to Ben’s darkness, and Luke does not seem at all surprised about this. It seems like something he knows. If it’s something that he knows, then presumably it’s something that he tries to deal with.

We know that Luke encouraged students to keep a diary, to record their thoughts etc. We also know that Luke gave Ben Obi-Wans old diary set. A gift, from master to student or uncle to nephew? I think he would have encouraged Ben to keep a track of his emotions this way. I also think that maybe this gift wasn’t as great as Luke thought, that maybe it would have put more pressure on Ben to live up to his namesake.

Luke was also managing an entire boarding school, raising a bunch of kids presumably solo or with minimal help. That’s a hell of a lot of work. He’s not going to have the time to focus on each individual student, that’s just physically impossible. Then you have Ben and his own peculiarities and needs, perhaps more emotional and clingy than other students looking to Luke like a father and not like an uncle, it would have been easy for things to slip under the radar.

Luke in SotS reminded Ben a few times to call him Master, not uncle. This is a distancing. This could either be as he was trying to follow Jedi teachings, or as he was trying to help Ben centre himself and keep away from emotional feelings which influence him. However, in SotS, Luke also focuses hard on Ben and how he sees the Force in Ben and his hopes for Ben’s future. I think here Luke was being a positive person, optimistic, but perhaps overlooking things. As a reader, Ben in the scenes feels anxious, with a constant tic of running his hand through his hair. We do not know if this is due to the pressures that Luke etc are putting on him, or due to Snoke. Likely, it is both.

Feeling overlooked, I believe a teen Ben would have gained more doubts, and had resentment start to build. Natural things, a teen would usually learn to work through this with help of peers, an adult, or by themselves. Ben had Snoke to help him work through it. Snoke, who has another agenda altogether. 

Snoke groomed him by having full access to his mind and speaking directly in it. Snoke at this point and for most his life wasn’t a bad person, Snoke was his friend. In an ideal world, grooming would be spotted and stopped, but reality is the vast majority of grooming that happens goes completely unnoticed by the adults in the kid's life. If you say ‘Luke would have known!’ then tell me, why would he have known? How would he have known? If the answer is sensing through the Force, then why would Snoke not have been able to hide? Luke knows that Ben struggles with  the dark, would Snoke not have been able to hide in this? How would Luke have just automatically known what was going on here? He is only human after all.

There’s also the whole Luke v Ben thing. I feel that Luke had reacted badly to a vision, and in reacting badly to it, is the one who set of the chain of events making said vision happen. Seeing a dark vision made a dark vision come true, exactly what happened to Anakin. You can constantly tell yourself something (eg don’t listen to visions) but if something feels so real and in everything else you listen to the Force, not paying attention to a vision would naturally be incredibly difficult. I feel like Luke may have been realising he was missing things with Ben and reacted with panic, especially given his history and his emotional state after the trauma of the events of the OT. He changed his mind right at the last moment, which is in character, but I do think he is someone who would have bouts of anger, and I believe OT canon supports this? On Ben’s part, he woke up to a trusted family member ready to kill him. That family member changing his mind wouldn’t occur to him - why would it? If you woke up to a family member pointing a gun at you, are you going to sit around and talk it out? Why would Ben automatically know what we, the audience, know? Luke himself admits he messed up here. Add in that it is heavily implied that Snoke had been manipulating Ben into thinking that Luke was going to kill him one day. Despite waking to a betrayal and having a surge of emotion that reacted badly, destroying the school, Ben still didn’t ‘turn dark’ after this. He was still conflicted. He was still unsure. He didn’t ‘fall to the dark’ until after more events and seeing his very close Friend, Tai, be killed and then used emotion to kill the murderer.

And then there’s bringing the roof down on Luke - I strongly believe that despite Kylo telling himself that Luke was dead, he knew deep down he wasn’t. I don’t think he planned on killing Luke at all, if he did he would have used his weapon, looked for Luke in the rubble and finished it. Despite Snoke saying that they ‘both’ thought this was going to happen (Both in quotes as Ben seems uncertain in these panels, but Snoke is a convincing talker), Ben was still conflicted. Luke was his father figure, his master, his mentor. He had a good relationship with him, and then this big betrayal happened. The scenes after this are him in shock, disbelieving, and then trying to harden himself in an almost ‘it was inevitable’ way, which I took to be a Snokes words influencing him.

Note: His ship is called Grimtaash. Grimtaash is specifically a figure which protects the royal family of Alderaan from traitors. A fitting name for a ship when Ben, the only descendant of the last princess of Alderaan, felt betrayed, there was a traitor to him in his own family.

Also, the comic short from last year. Kylo is looking for Luke’s ghost. He has unfinished business, he wants to destroy Luke. Whatever bollocks. I think these are lies, to himself. He is still reeling from the loss of Snoke, his friend and master from childhood. He had never had a moment in his life where he didn’t have guidance from someone, it was always Luke or Snoke. I really feel his hunt for Luke’s ghost was a hunt for some sort of guidance and closure, as I don’t think he ever stopped respecting Luke. Him wanting to destroy a ghost makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, so it must have been a search for another reason and he was just telling himself otherwise.

He was scared of Luke in TLJ for sure, but he’s not going to be scared of someone unless he respected them.

Questions for canon and for fans:

Why wouldn’t Luke practise no attachments? Who would have told him that this is bad to do? Especially considering that he is going by Jedi texts and trying to follow the practices of the Jedi order which would have had this as the best thing to do, and as the way it should be done.

When did Lukes school actually start? With Grogu? Or did he have a break when Grogu left and didn’t start it again properly until a dire need came with his own nephew needing tutelage? 

On attachments, how much information do we have on Luke and no attachments? Yes, Grogu. Yes, telling Ben to call him uncle. But Luke himself still spoke to his sister. And we have Ben’s own ship, Grimtaash, named after a mythological Alderaani figure and the implication from Geegee that Ben had visited his mother before. Ben’s ship was different and looks more expensive than the other ships being used by the students - gift from mum? How does that pan into no attachments at all?

At the same time, no attachments not working with Grogu would have been a special case, given Grogu’s long life, he could easily return to Jedi training after Din’s death, he would still be young enough. So why would he go back to attachments? (I say young enough, Ben started at age 10 which seems to be an outlier for Jedi training starting at an older age - much like Anakin and Luke)

Overall, the attachment thing is kinda up in the air. I believe it is more on the no attachments side for Luke, with maybe some slip ups, or rather, some allowances in some special cases.

And once more, how would Luke have just known about Snoke talking to Ben? Ben wouldn’t have told him, he’s a kid who’s been groomed and the first thing a groomer would do is ensure the kid wouldn’t tell on them.

In conclusion, I think it’s important to remember that our heroes aren’t infallible. Ben learned this, and we as viewers learned this. However, heroes making mistakes humanises them and gives opportunities for growth. I think that Ben and Luke loved one another as family does, and that the break down wasn’t due to hate or disgust, but perhaps some resentment from Ben, and Luke having taken on far far too much with running a whole school and doing other things with it like tracking Jedi artefacts. Luke took on a lot, and I think expecting him to be perfect in all that he took on is a stretch. I think he expected to be perfect in all he took on, and then when it came to it, the stress perhaps made his reaction to visions worse and he reacted in a moment of anger.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Proximity Alarm! Or, What Even Is Culture? Or, Funny, You Sure Look Jewish...

I've gotta get this out of my head because it's... Well, the thing is, it's NOT weird to me, but I think it would be weird to other people, so I'm just trying to calibrate myself. The following will be tangled brain yarn.

I'm name-checking an old joke, but maybe you never strayed across it. A little old lady on the bus says to a younger man, "Pardon me, are you Jewish?" He says, "No, sorry." But she really won't let up about it, she's asking him if he knows certain families in her neighbourhood and trying to get him to trust her and open up and finally he loses all patience and says, "Okay! You found me out! I am Jewish! Will there be anything else?" And the punchline, of course, is "Funny, you don't look Jewish."

I've strayed across a fellow NB who shares a lot of my intersections, but the European side of their family is Jewish and mine is Catholic, except...

Right away, our roots are in Eastern Europe, so I let them know, Hey, we eat a lot of the same food! Potato pancakes and Manischewitz, right off the bat. I probably could've namechecked kolache and had some recognition too, due to the Slavic countries trading language like Pokémon cards.

But it's not just that. I picked up a lot of stray Yiddish as a kid, either from people who were near or in my family. I try not to use it now, because somebody might get upset when I step on their culture... But if I grew up with it, what do you call it?

I think part of this is because my mom ALMOST married a certified Nice Jewish Boy. He had a delicate old grandmother who would have literally died if she knew he was engaged to a Catholic girl. Mom had to go to synagogue and pass, and prepare to convert. Grandma lived, even if the engagement didn't, so I gotta figure Mom did pass, or Bubbie was smarter than she let on and just let the family pretend. But, all that stuff my mom picked up, on top of the Eastern European background, she kept.

So, my standard, "bounce the fussy baby" song was "Hava Nagila." Mom also taught my cousin Debbie and her kids got bounced to that song! I probably learned how to sing that, phonetically, before I could walk. I had a book with Schlemiel stories in it. I knew how to keep the pastrami and the corned beef Kosher, even if not what to call it. CHEESE? No! We don't put cheese on this meat! Unthinkable! Deli mustard, okay? I didn't have a Reuben with Swiss until I was well into my adult years. I dunno, it just seemed wrong. (I got over it, I like 'em now.)

The result of this is, when I was a kid, I wasn't even trying to pass and I passed. I got a babysitting gig with a Jewish family. I saw the Manischewitz in the pantry with the matzohs and said, "Oh, my mom and Nana love this. Yours too?" The kid couldn't contain herself anymore, and spoke the opening line of that old joke, "Are you JEWISH?" With disbelief. 'Cos I resemble my dad's side of the family too, just with fairer skin. I don't look Jewish.

But I kinda do, too?

And I wonder. I was told my great grandmother on my grandpa's side spoke "Swiss," almost exclusively, such that my mom couldn't understand her. Not Czech, that was different. Well, "Swiss" ain't a language, so what was it? I assumed, because Mom really didn't like Germans, it must've been German. She refused to say "Czech-German," even. She'd say, "Czech-Swiss." That side of the family emigrated from Prague when it was still in Bohemia, well before admitting to Jewish heritage would've gotten you dead in the Holocaust, but there was antisemitism in Eastern Europe at that time too. Kinda always? People got converted by force, and just to blend in. Mom wouldn't have been able to tell between Yiddish and German as a kid. I mean, they're close.

I do know she reprimanded me for saying "schmuck" as a small child. "No, no, that's really rude." "Can I say 'putz'?" "...That's a little better."

And I remember, as she was arranging us in the mirror one day, she told us we had "noble noses." Roman noses. It seemed weird to me, that why I remember. I didn't have a problem with my nose. Why go out of your way to tell me what to call the shape of it? I don't think it even looks particularly "Roman," although it does turn down slightly at the tip. Grandpa's was similar, but more pronounced. Did he go out of his way to tell her it was called that? Did his mom do the same? Is this merely the result of swimming in the bog-standard antisemitism of the past and wanting to differentiate yourself from your Jewish neighbors in the nicest possible way, or are we hiding something?

I'm divorced from my family. I got no one I can ask. But even as a kid, the Pribek family history vanished at Ellis Island somewhere around the turn of the 20th century. We looked for 'em and couldn't find 'em, so a name change may have occurred. My dad had a genealogy hobby and traced the Gonzalez clan all the hell over the place, but Pribek resisted the level of research he was able to do at the time. Joss, my maternal grandma's family, was doable. We found a baseball hall-of-famer! But Pribek? No. I was told, vaguely, that a distant relative had a statue somewhere in Prague, but I don't have a name to look for.

While I was in high school with that babysitting gig, I participated in "Knowledge Bowl" basically a pub quiz, but we'll call it educational and put it on our college applications. The teacher helping us "train" divided up subjects and tried to assign us to learn things we were already familiar with. She was Jewish. She surveyed a pool of mainly Hispanic, white, and South Asian kids and said, "Does anyone know anything about Judaism?" Nope. Nope. Finally, my smartass hand goes up, to be funny. "I've seen Fiddler on the Roof a bunch of times!" I had. We had it on VHS. I got the laugh I wanted, and the teacher said, "Okay, then you learn about Judaism!"

It wasn't much. I memorized some Cliff notes-style information and forgot most of the details, until I took World Religion in college and got reminded. But, broad strokes, I already had most of it. I had the idea of it. Not "obey the law" like Catholicism - Catholics famously do not read the Bible - but know the law, so you can have an argument about it and defend your position. OK, God. I've read your demands. Now let's negotiate!

What the heck do you call growing up so near a thing, but being told over and over again that you're not of it? That's not you. We just do all these very similar things for a different reason. Even if you look a bit similar, it's for a different reason. It's all explainable that way, I guess, but it's still in my brain. So whose culture is it? What even is "culture"?

I honestly don't know, but if you come to my house with latkes, I will steal them and eat them. Seriously, I've done that. I think they were leftovers, but later it occurred to me that my husband's friend may have intended to take them home and eat them himself. I'm so sorry, my dude. You had to put up with your friend's apparently-Mexican spouse screaming, "ARE THOSE LATKES? I LOVE LATKES!" and running for the sour cream and applesauce.

They were really good, though.

[attourney-at-lycan]

Yes hi, I would like to know your HCs for Zane because block man go brrrr

HCS FOR ZANE OH LORDY okay since im basically an mcd rewrite acc these will mostly belong to mcd

okay so here we go

as a child zane used to be afraid during thunderstorms, and so he would sneak into garroth’s room but refused to admit he was scared. garroth’d laugh it off and go “alright sure” then would spend the rest of the storm reading books that garroth had. ofc this was when they were much younger and stopped when garte caught zane sneaking in once.

he does believe gods exist, he believes irene is a goddess, but he doesn’t believe in her. if that makes sense.

as a kid he used to hang out with the children of a stable hand. it was a sister and her younger brother! they taught him how to love and care for horses which he still does to this day. later on they ended up moving away, losing the only two people other than his family he was closest to. he’d later go on to meet the two kids as adults in phoenix drop. :]

zane’s dark shadows under his eyes aren’t make up to make him look like the lil emo edgelord he is. he just doesn’t sleep because of all the research he fucking does. he doesn’t let a lot of people do research for him bc he doesn’t trust anyone to keep their mouths shut.

certain things/routines needs to be in a specific way, put in a specific order or he will lose his fucking mind. people think he does it to be a prick but he rlly will feel like the world is wrong if it’s not done in a certain way.

he wears heeled boots 1. bc he rides horses 25/8 and 2. he likes it, makes him feel more powerful when he’s looming over mfs.

zane actually adores children- but being around them makes him extremely nervous. he sees himself as a monster and feels like he cannot let himself, a person covered in the blood of innocents, be near them. he does his best though, to show he cares.

I LOVE ZANE SM LITTLE EVIL GRUBBY LITTLE THREE DIMENSIONAL SQUARE VILLAIN MAN

[fenmere]

God but no, seriously, how did y'all do it in Ye Oldene Days™

(We saw you like our vent before we added the bit about screeching like a pokemon onto the end of it and afawk you seem to know a thing or two or at least are older than us soooo)

Like how???

HOW?????

HOW??????????

Ah.

In Ye Oldene Days™, such as the '80s, '90s, and '00s, and halfway through the '10s, we were deeply closeted. So, we, the Inmara, very distinctly didn't.

We were in a lot of distress and not clear as to exactly why, and dedicated ourselves to creating a webcomic for 15 years, insisting that it was Very Important and would lead to some sort of Earth Shattering Revelation that the world would need to know, but we couldn't explain What It Was.

And it turned out that What It Was was that we were trans, autistic, and massively, ridiculous plural.

But, OK. We were also surrounded by family and peers that were either excellent allies already or out and proud about being trans, queer, or autistic (but not plural). And we were still closeted and in denial for the longest time.

A large part of our denial was internalized transmisogyny and pluralphobia.

We didn't want to be a trans woman at all. Trans women were gross and pathetic and The Worst Thing to be Ever. And we got that from our classmates, movies, T.V. shows, comedians, and from the greater culture in general. But also from our dysphoria. We didn't want to even have a Y chromosome. It felt absolutely wrong to us (and still does). But since we seemed to have it, or the SRY gene at least, because we were assigned male at birth and had the external equipment for that, we couldn't be what we needed to be. And being a satirical parody of what we needed to be would be worse than pretending to be male, we thought.

We were taught to think that way.

And the pluralphobia was similar, received from the same places in our culture, but reinforced by the problem that if we got diagnosed with DID that would threaten any chances of transition if we chose to finally come out and could miraculously afford it. Or so we thought.

So, when we came out, it was when we couldn't survive in the closet anymore. We were desperate and near death and couldn't live anymore like that. And it just so happened that we came out right when Obama established the ACA and Washington state adopted the rules that Medicaid must pay for transitional healthcare (and we'd just become poor enough to qualify for Medicaid).

And that's why we're alive today.

But it's really the ten trans masc dudes who were knew for ten years before we came out, our good friends who were on average ten years younger than us and out and proud for fifteen years longer, who you need to ask this of. They're our elders, and know what it was like to use bathrooms in the '00s.

Or the trans woman, Marian, who was our grandmother's friend and peer, who visited occasionally (who never inspired us at all because our internalize transmisogyny was too strong). We believe she's still alive and still working as an activist in Bellingham, WA, where we grew up.

But really, a lot of our survival even then, before and after coming out, has to do with where we live. The I5 corridor in the Pacific Northwest, especially in the moderate to large cities, is a relatively safe place for white queer trans ND people like us.

There are bigots and bullies. We were absolutely attacked regularly as a child, teenager, and young adult. But it has gotten better. (obviously can't speak for trans and queer people of color, especially Black and/or Indigenous people)

And, again, our family and friends group are accepting and supportive. We lost a handful of family and friends in coming out, and our friends group shifted dramatically, but we were able to find others to fill the gaps through social media networking and just showing up at a queer coffee shop almost daily for several years.

All that said, all that is going on today really is starting to feel a lot like the '80s did. It's a relevant comparison. And as some tumblr olds like us keep pointing out, the arguments and insults keep getting recycled, too.

[the-lady-writes-what]

Warning: Long essay below the cut

Real talk about Harry Potter for a second. As a millennial who was into HP when I was younger, I have to honest and say that I did not see the problematic shit the J.K. Rowling put in her books. For a lot of us, growing up as a white kid in the early 2000's, we were not educated enough to see the anti-Semitism, racism, and lukewarm feminism that wasn't really feminism because Rowling made fun of Hermione for it. Watching the spiral of Rowling into TERF territory and aligning herself with people who reference Hitler in their TERF speeches and literal fascism breaks my heart. HP played a huge part in my childhood, as it did for many people. Sadly there are HP adults who continue to enable Rowling to use her platform for evil. Instead of looking back and dissecting the literature that formed our current mindset, there are people who grew up to be nasty people indirectly because HP taught them that anyone who complains about the system is doing progressive social justice wrong. Harry Potter became a wizard cop for the system that helped put Voldemort in a position of power. Hitler didn't rise to power out of the blue. He worked the current system in his favor and won support. He wasn't just some manipulative well spoken mastermind, he was using rhetoric that already existed. The criticism about the politics in the HP universe came far too late. We currently have numerous adults who are now currently voting to repress Black and queer history from schools, LGBTQ+ education, and criminalize being trans and gay in several states in the USA.

Not every adult who read HP became a fascist, not every adult who is fascist read HP. I'm certainly not saying that HP is solely the reason why anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes are currently on the rise again and legislations are trying to get passed. What I am saying is that this is what happens when you don't think critically what you read. Critical analysis about what books are produced and by whom can help deter or enable the kind of ideas that Rowling associates with. Her brand of "progressiveness" is seen through the lens of an upper middle class and upper class white British woman. She largely benefits from a system that will come to be the shoulder for her to cry on when the internet "bullies" her, i.e when the internet and former fans try to hold her accountable for the inflammatory things she's said and written about trans people, women, Jews, POC, etc. I am not a saint in all of this either. My first book that I wrote which will never see the light of day again contained an Indian servant because I thought about historical "accuracy" which looking on it now was a load of shit. What I should have done in the first place was do critical research and properly acknowledge the racism and discrimination and imperialism of the British Empire. That character should not have existed and I deeply regret writing a story like that, even if my intention was not to further enable a white-washed history of the relationship between the British aristocracy and the people of India. Whether it was my intention or not, the fact that I wrote it was not okay. I am sorry for that. That book is no longer available and the remaining physical copies will stay with me. They aren't going anywhere. Moving forward, I will do better research and listen to the voices of people of color when it comes to writing characters outside of my own race.

Rowling has yet to learn that lesson towards trans people and keeps using the debunked conspiracy theory that "men dressed as women" will sexually assault someone in the ladies' room and take up female-dominated spaces. Transwomen are women. End of story. It seems that the more she is criticized for upholding anti-trans beliefs and conspiracy theories, the deeper she digs her heels in. She doesn't want to be corrected or told she's misinformed. The die hard fans of hers follow suit. Adult fans of HP have gone to assault and abuse transwomen, forgetting the soft-spoken message of the books they claim to love so much, that you should not hate people for who they are. I say soft-spoken because HP's message of anti-bigotry can hardly be called as such. It is spoken through the lens of upper class wealthy white woman's perspective of social justice and feminism. I say soft-spoken, and even limp-wristed, because its anti-bigotry message falls flat when discussing the numerous problematic and racist undertones in her writing. She wrote house elves as sentient creatures who want to be enslaved and made fun of Hermione for fighting for their freedom. She wrote the main characters to be all straight, white, and cis who later become part of the very system they fought against as children. The magical races in the Wizarding World universe are frequently looked down upon as if they're lesser than the human wizards and nothing is done for them. She did little to no research on non-European naming conventions and named the one East Asian character Cho Chang, combining a Korean and Chinese name as if the cultures are synonymous, named a black character Kingsley Shacklebolt, and allowed the Fantastic Beast franchise make Nagini (a South Asian name with cultural and religious significance) an Indonesian woman played by a South Korean actress. As if insult wasn't enough, Nagini is portrayed as a submissive Asian woman (stay classy Rowling!) who later dies at the hands of a white character to move the plot forward.

I wrote this fucking essay because Rowling is hurting so many people. Her kind of rhetoric which is a pandemic of hate towards trans people is hurting those I know. Two of my dearest friends are transwomen and I would fight tooth and nail for them. Hearing the author who wrote the books that got me interested in reading say things that accuse my friends of being men and wanting to assault women hurts them more than me and it infuriates me. She is one of the many reasons why diversity in reading is important so her mistakes don't get repeated and regurgitated. When you're a dumb white kid in the 2000's, you don't see the problematic stuff because you're not personally affected by it. Nobody can be racist against a white kid. And when authors like Rowling get praised in spite of the insensitive stereotypes and problematic shit in their books, it really is no wonder that we have a resurgence of hate crimes and rhetoric against LGBTQ+ folk and POC. The books didn't materialize out of thin air. There were so many editors who have had to go through the books and said, "Yep. That's fine" when she was writing offensive names for POC characters, anti-Semitic goblins, and having the white main characters join the system that put wizard Hitler into power.

It hurts to let something like HP go and die a slow painful death. It was a huge part of my childhood and got me into reading books. I might not be the reader I am today without those books. Because I will never be affected by the system in which people of color, trans folk, and the Jewish community are oppressed and I admit to being very privileged, I did not recognize the numerous red flags in J.K. Rowling's body of work until it was too late. For that I am sorry. The damage is done, but I'm trying to do better by listening and protecting my friends, trans or otherwise. J. K. Rowling can go fuck herself.

[decaffeinatedchaosdemon]

Hi everyone, happy disability pride month. I just wanted to share my experiences without the Karens and relatives of Facebook. I was diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy at 10.

Growing up I didn't think it was a disability because I was doing everything everyone else did in school. I didn't need a wheelchair, and usually as long as I don't have any of the sodas I like or don't play the games other kids play, I was ok. But last year, as I walked around the job fair looking for one more means of steady independence for my adult self, the embarrassed looks on nearly everyone's faces told me otherwise.

I went with my partner to a Job Fair in the city we hope to move to, in hopes of supporting him (now he's a guard, but still) and finding opportunities of my own. We split up and explored the booths, and I went to go look for desk jobs, because it's what my brain works best with. Legally, due to my seizures, I cannot drive nor will I ever be able to for the foreseeable future. Nevertheless, I went up, smiled, put on my networking voice, maintained good eye contact and introduced myself, just like we were all taught. This seemed to work with a lot of the potential employers! But when I explained my situation, everything changed. Eye contact stopped. The free flowing conversation and hopes turned to "I'm sorry, we've got nothing for you, miss." and they'd all wish me a nice day and good luck.

For context, the disabled community has made cases for and have been denied telework. As of 2019, 70% of disabled workers who have gone to court for this accommodation lost. Not only this, but for ages we have begged for remote learning and medical care, and repeatedly we were told it's impossible. Impossible.

Suddenly it's 2020 and a pandemic shuts down schools, businesses, and everyone has been ordered to stay home. It didn't take long for everybody to feel the pinching and the pressure of not being able to go out and provide. Suddenly, remote working becomes a household phrase. People, abled and disabled, log into their jobs and to making their honest livings. It seems like this could become a real thing, right?

Wrong.

Now the world is bouncing back from the chaos of last year, and businesses open back up again. Which brings this back full circle. Now that the world is normalizing, the accomodations made within mere weeks of abled people not being able to commute, have for the most part gone backsies "with less of a need for it".

Thank you for reading this chapter of my story. Writing this, I have decided I will share one more part of my life just to show another truth of life. I'm constantly meading out what I drink, because I love caffeine, it helps me wake up from the nights often sleepless because of meds. Or getting tipsy feels like the uncertainty of a seizure, so you just don't. And cutting everything out and not having any real appetite because the brain signals that are supposed by meds so you don't go down, also tell you you're hungry, so when I'm out with my large chubby hubby-looking partner and just stick to my soup and water while he gets a burger and coke, he gets dirty looks because not having had any will to eat since 2009 sucks and I'm a thin mint with a big boi. But he is a food pusher who reminds me to eat. People don't care.

Getting adult diapers and getting picked on by old ladies because I obviously haven't just given birth, or I'm too young for them, sucks. I can't even vent to my family about having an invisible disability because my sister has it far worse with arthritis and digestive issues, and she's younger too. I don't even really spend time with them doing fun stuff because they don't understand overstimulation, and their answer is just to cut it out. So I've been becoming more and more isolated in my own home. My partner is my only true safety.

And that's the shit in between the seizures media use as comedic relief.

[iamvegorott]

Happy Family Pt. 3 of 8

Meeting Chase

Months passed, and Bing and Google grew even closer in their relationship. Etta quickly accepted Bing as her father’s boyfriend or ‘daddy’s bed friend’ since she had misheard when explained and stubbornly refused to correct herself since she always got a laugh from the adults when she said it. 

Several other nicknames have come from their relationship, most being ones they only use at home or away from others because it always gets Google flustered to either be called Googley-bear in public or getting caught calling Bing, Bumble-bee. They were fluffy little names they called each other while being extra domestic. It started as a joke, but now the nicknames happen without a second thought when they are cuddling or out on a date. Picnics in the park were a favorite. 

At first, they worried about disclosing their relationship to Dark, that they would be split apart or forced to choose who stays and who goes, or a long list of worst-case scenarios that ended up being far from the truth since when the two did tell Dark. Dark had joked with them and said it took them long enough to start dating, and there was no need to worry. It was also good that since they worked in separate departments of the company’s childcare facility, there was no reason for anyone else in the corporate offices to care. 

They were all happy, comfortable, and used to the norms of their current lives. Finally fully adjusted to everything. There were no plans or expectations for anything to change. 

And then they met Chase.

“Chase Brody. And these are my kids, Penny and Lucas.” Chase greeted, gesturing to the two children hiding behind his legs. 

Chase was a new hire in the marketing department as a media coordinator. He was in charge of helping organize and create content for the company’s social media to keep it relevant and hopefully draw in the younger generations to be interested as well. 

“Looks like we have a shy duo.” Bing crouched down to match Penny and Lucas’ heights. “Hey, kiddos. I’m Bing, or Mr. B as some of the older kids like to call me.” The two kids looked almost identical save for their hairstyles; one had a butterfly clip in their hair, and the other wore a smaller version of the hat Chase wore. “Let me guess that you’re Penny? And you’re Lucas?” He pointed at the child with the hat on first and then the one with the butterfly clip. Bing smiled when the two kids gasped and looked up at their father. 

“Daddy! How did he know!?” Lucas’ voice was loud with shock. 

“I guess Mr. B is a lot smarter than you two thought.” Chase chuckled.

“If you two want, you can go over to the toys and play while your daddy and I do all the boring stuff?” Bing offered.

“Okay!” At the offer of playing with the collection of toys, the kids were more than happy to take off. 

“How did you know they did that?” Chase asked when it was now just the two adults. 

“I didn’t,” Bing admitted with a chuckle. “Either they’d be shocked I caught the twin trick or get a laugh from me assuming who they were wrong.” 

“Smart.” Chase chuckled as well. “Is there anything else I needed to fill out, or was that another trick to get the kids going?”

“Another trick,” Bing said.

“How many of those do you have up your sleeve?” 

“Too many to count.” That got them laughing and missing Google coming into the room with Etta. He had taken her up to say happy birthday to Dark since she insisted on doing so after hearing Anti talking about it all day yesterday. Google was very thankful he’d taught Etta to knock since a pink-haired visitor was in the room, wishing Dark a happy birthday in his own way. They didn’t see anything, but Googe was able to notice things that Etta would not. 

“You must be Chase.” Google greeted as he joined the two. “And I have a story for you at lunch about Dark.” He added to Bing.

“Five dollars that I can guess what happened.” Bing clicked his tongue.

“He’s on a roll with his guesses today,” Chase added. 

“Can I go play?” Etta asked, tugging on Google’s hand. 

“Yes, you can.” Google smiled as Etta squealed happily and took off, joining Lucas and Penny at the big blocks. She had no problem sitting with the new kids and playing along with them as if they’d been friends forever. “Google.” Google held a hand out to Chase.

“You already guessed that I was Chase.” Chase took the offered hand and shook it. 

“We actually watched some of your videos when Dark told us about you,” Google stated.

“Oh? You did?” Chase chuckled nervously, and after letting Google’s hand go, he rubbed the back of his neck.

“They were very well done.” Google’s praise got Chase to perk back up. 

“Some of those trick shots were sick,” Bing added. 

“Really? Thanks! Some of these took longer than I’d like to admit.” Chase breathed in through his teeth before laughing. 

“You must be very good at math to make those shots,” Google said.

“Math?” Chase raised a brow. 

“You calculate the angles, right?”

“Nah, bro. I just go for it!” Chase’s big, bright smile showed that he was genuine with his statement. 

“You just-”

“Ah, shit.” Chase accidentally cut Google off with a curse when his watch started beeping. “Dark’s wanting me, and the wording sounds like he’s not going to be patient.” 

“When’s your lunch?” Bing asked.

“Noon.” 

“Perfect! Googs and I have lunch at noon too. He can share the Dark story with both of us.” Bing set up the plan for all of them. “See you then!”

“Yeah! I’ll see you two.” Chase flashed a smile before heading off. 

“He’s adorable.” Bing giggled when he was sure Chase was far from earshot. 

“Well-I mean….” Google cleared his throat, a dusting of pink on his cheeks. 

“I hope he sticks around.” Bing decided to save Google from extra embarrassment.

“As do I.” 

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[xtrablak674]

I Never Made It About Race, America Did

“You seem to see the world from the perspective of your race”

It’s such a shame that “race” is a construction of man, and nothing really scientifically proven. Curiously the media likes to paint people of color as the ones who are first to play the 'race card', when and if they actually looked at our individual circumstances, many of us just wanted to be ourselves, not our skin color. Interestingly enough this comment came from a Black man, who mind you is fairer complected than me (and possibly on most days can ‘pass’ for other things), but I am not going to partake in colorism.

As a child I thought there was something “better” about my lighter hued younger brothers. Their lighter hues were obviously more lovable than my darker hue because, like the old adage "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice, but if the berry is too dark it ain't no use". This instinctual feeling was of course validated by my own Black peers who referred to me as “charcoal”, “tar baby”, and “ape lips” denoting there was something wrong with my cacao bean complexion. Which made my friendship to my favorite cousin at this age Fee Fee so important our radiant complexions matched as did our ages, and I knew there was nothing wrong with my cousin Fee so there mustn't be anything wrong with me right? Wrong!

In kindergarten I was sort of a Lothario cultivating reports home about how I was "kissing all the girls in class", it would take a couple of more grades before I discovered that even though kissing the girls was fun, playing with the boys was even more fun! As an adult it's a sweet thought of a five year old innocuously kissing his female classmates on the cheek (playing into the appropriate gender roles of society), add a racial context and it appears predatory a Black boy kissing little white girls, doesn't he know that not even 20 years before he was born that a Black boy could get lynched for even looking at a white girl, less deem himself worth of placing his disease-ridden darky lips on her fair cheek was a calling for a castration. 

Adding this racial notion shows the inorganic nature of the construction of racial groups, and when left to their own wishes children do not act on their own to be racially intolerant. As children we are human beings before anything else, as we grow up we learn to identify with something of cultural significance or geographic locations, these things are taught to us either verbally or through societal cues. We are taught to disregard our humanity for flags, borders, money or status.

Like my caramel colored 16yo nephew I used to be so clueless about racial identity, and since my “friends” (mostly Caucasian) weren’t interested why should I be, there were more important things like Voltron, scratch and sniff stickers, Transformers and G.I. Joe figures to talk about. My best friend at the time Kelsy Carrington (Black) would always abandon me for playing with his cousin Tré, if he had the option because I was also know around the neighborhood as a “sissy”, and no one wants to publicly acknowledge a relationship with a sissy even though I was one of the fastest kids on my childhood block, which meant I was recruited for street football. I had little interest in organized sports and little to no idea about the rules, but could catch a ball and run very fast toward a goal dodging those in pursuit of me.

These early interactions with my own brown peers told me that I was 'less than', that relationships or friendships with me were tentative and would always be tossed aside for something 'straighter' or 'lighter'. My own people began the development of my low self esteem, and low self worth. At that young age I learned I could out run most of my problems, including bullies who wanted to beat me up after school or the white boys who chased me out of their neighborhood shouting “n*gger” at me. I pedaled that banana seat Huffy like my life depended on it. Run n*gger run!

What is a “n*gger”? You would think these were lessons you weren’t learning in elementary school, but obviously the society I was growing up in needed to let me know my place, and it wasn’t in certain neighborhoods with certain kids all because of something I had no control over. Even with things like ROOTS & Shaka Zulu playing on television in more rural places, these lessons took longer to learn. But how is a young Black child supposed to react to a word that carries centuries of venom and hatred built into it, knowing that something is wrong, but the thing that is wrong is beyond his control.

With my mothers death I was uprooted from living in Westchester to live with my paternal grandparents, now separated from my siblings and my many cousins I could try to recreate myself and I was sort of successful in this creating an identity around my love of comic book and trying to develop my own characters with some of my six grade friends, and develop my own graphic novels. 

The group of bullies in the NYCHA projects where my grandparents lived didn’t get the memo that I was “cool” now, and had no problem ‘jumping’ me on my way home from school, in my school uniform some dirt grey slacks and an ugly maroon blazer and grey clip-on tie. There were at least ten of them to one me, and I had no brothers or cousins around to protect me and the projects weren’t like the house I was raised in where I could simply run into the always unlocked side door. There were intercoms and elevators to navigate before getting safely inside my grandparents apartment. So I took the punches in the face as I kept walking toward our building attempting to deaden the pain of the blows not only to my ego but to my battered body. I never mentioned the assault to my grandparents, understanding that this was just a part of my taking on a new role of being perceived as upper-class in a neighborhood where the children who looked like me would never aspire to greater than what they were born into.

Later I would learn that even though my grandparents lived quite frugally they were upper middle class, and instilled their well to do values upon my impressionable self. I don’t look at this this as a bad thing, it was the shedding of a “ghetto” mentality that I unlike my younger siblings was able to avoid and in turn left me open to opportunities that I wouldn’t have had if my mother was still living. I learned that if I worked hard and focused I could do anything that I wanted to do, my grandmother kept me so busy with extracurricular activities that there was no time for gangs or getting in with bad crowds, I had also become very withdrawn after losing my mother preferring creating my own little world in my room in my grandparents home as opposed to going outside to play with the other kids. Besides who would want to play with a n*gga and a fa**ot?

I was running away from the pain of losing a parent so young and as opposed to deal with the non-acceptance of the new community I was in I decided to create my own world. I did befriend a white Latino Puerto Rican at my new now public school, (after being kicked out of my Lutheran school) and we bonded over things like wresting, super heroes and toys that were more than meet the eyes, but now there were new challenges. We were chased for being perceived as a Black (true for me) and a white boy (not true for him), he just happened to be a blue eyed Puerto Rican, not that unusual if you know that the Caribbean goes from my complexion to even fairer then him. But he couldn’t out run his last name Vazquez, so now the shouts were “sp*ck” and “n*gger”. Run n*gger run!

My next friend was just as dark as me but a bit overweight for his age something that obviously made him an easy target for “fat jokes”. There was a change with my grandmother that I hadn’t noticed with my Puerto Rican friend, she allowed me to stay the night over this Black friends house and would always ask about him even decades later after the friendship was clearly over. This coupled with that she wouldn’t let me visit my best friend back in Westchester for an overnight because he was Caucasian, but would let stay over an acquaintance from the same period because his parents were Black led me to question my grandmother and ask her if she was “racist”? She would avoid answering the question with saying the broad thing parental figures like to say like “my house my rules”, but it was very clear to me that she more readily accepted my darker hued friends and wasn’t as readily accepting of my lighter colored friends. Even though I was supposed to be enjoying the “cluelessness” my nephew now enjoys my parental unit was polarizing my relationships and attempting to bias them to her own well meaning but dated beliefs.

This would continue into high school where I joined some of my junior high school friends where we were a United Nations or jokingly 3-2-1 Contact friends, a Costa Rican girl, an Irish girl and me made an interesting crew traveling on the train to our performing arts high school in Manhattan, where I was to start learning about class differences as I begin to meet an entirely different kind of people one of them being my Jewish high school friend who lived in the mystical place called Brooklyn, and had his own room that his mother let him spray paint all over the walls while he listened to ska music. His parents were divorced and his father had a home in New Jersey, and like this red headed friend of mine in junior high school he had a home full of such nice things, I felt a bit inadequate and ashamed about my grandparents very humble home. 

Once again trying to just be a teenager like my nephew I wanted to embody everything this new friend was about, hanging out with him and his friend listening to the Ramones and buying my first pair of Doc Martin’s, just attempting to exist and be a teenager in New York City. Once again my grandmother wouldn’t let me be like the other teenagers who seemed to have sleepovers all the time at each others house, but I could invite this friend and “his friends” to my house for a sleepover. Of course I was sort of humiliated because I knew I didn’t have the physical riches that my new friends had and it would be so much more apparent with them staying over my house. Somehow I made it through, later “breaking up” with this friend, something at the time I thought was odd, because how do two cis-gendered males break up with each other in a plutonic relationship? I was now struggling with my burgeoning sexuality and had very strong feelings for this friend, that it felt like a break up.

On to college where I thought here I can once again recreate myself into someone new and different and due to my relationship with my Dominican best friend who came out as gay very publicly in People magazine, I was embraced as an expert of all things queer at my private college in upstate New York, but I was also dealing with something else very new class and racial differences on a level that I hadn’t encountered at my culturally and class diverse high school. 

On this new campus I would clearly always count the other brown faces appearing either in the lunch hall or in the classroom where a clearly European based idea of education was being taught. At this time I was introduced to Marlon Riggs, Essex Hemphill and Tongues Untied, Color Adjustments and Ethnic Notions all from a Caucasian friend who had taken Africana classes at his ivy league school that shared that town with my private university. Slowly my racial consciousness was awakening, it seemed I couldn’t afford to be oblivious anymore. Which one of these thing is not like the others...

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about the lover's loneliness

Just a fair warning that I’m being really vulnerable in this blog post. Talking about childhood trauma and struggling with BPD…not a big deal, I’ll talk about those things to help others any day. However, talking about having feelings and wanting to be truly loved and cherished? I feel disgusting and ashamed just thinking about it. Please read/listen with kindness and acceptance in your heart. 

“I love my solitude but I was meant to be a lover.” I’m a certified lover girl at my core. My softness is my strength, it’s what enabled me to rise above adversity. I’m blessed to have friends that taught me what true love is. I believe that being loved by me is a blessing as well. No other feeling satiates me as much as love does. The most remarkable feeling is when I’m full of love and the most devastating feeling is when someone hurts me and I have to work tremendously hard to replenish myself of love. I end my letters to loved ones with the sweetest sign off. When I was just a little younger, I would hand out an “I love you” to almost every soul I encountered and despite the harm that I faced from doing that, I wish I had the strength to be that girl again.  

Admittedly, I often have a “difficult” time being alone and recently, I’ve felt like I’m truly alone in this world. It’s a physical, emotional, and spiritual sensation that often feels like an aching, a longing, a yearning for connection. It’s not that I can’t be alone—I moved to two different cities during my adult life alone, I live alone, I make big decisions alone, I handle my business alone. I was raised not to depend on anyone and to achieve my goals on my own if others were not putting in the effort to join me. Even if I’m responsible for others and required to be a caregiver to other people, there is still loneliness in that role. I definitely know how to be alone. I always felt alone in the way I think, the way I behave, the way I love and want love. I often felt like I didn’t fit in, even within my own culture and family. If you’ve read my Tosin Talk about covid killing my friendships, you know that I’ve learned how to survive without connections but I don’t want to live in survival mode anymore.

As I mentioned earlier, the loneliness is felt on three different levels. On a physical level, I feel almost a desperation to be held but refusal to have the wrong person do so. I sleep solely on one side of my bed, hoping and waiting for someone worthy to fill the empty space on the other side. I wish to turn in my bed and into the arms of someone who cares for me deeply. With emotional loneliness, I’m not only yearning for true love but for someone to be able to handle my emotions with care. I can only hold in so much, I can only say and do so much to soothe myself. Sometimes, I wish that there was someone there to sit with me through some of those feelings. I’m used to crying to myself and I hate crying in front of people so the emotional loneliness is grand. Spiritual loneliness is a truly hollow feeling. I feel deeply disconnected to many people, many interactions make me feel like I’m lost and floating through space. I’m searching for the souls that are destined to bond with mine. I think I’ve found a few and I can feel others searching for me too but it may not be time for some of those connections to exist or be promoted to another level. 

Recently, I’ve had to teach myself to be alone. I take intentional breaks from everyone and force myself to let loneliness surround me and hold me the same way that I would want another person to. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever felt, it’s definitely strange and uncomfortable though. I recently ended a relationship in which I felt lonely and was actually alone even though we were together. I would rather be genuinely alone than experience that again; that’s what parts of my childhood felt like and I won’t consciously put myself through that again. That being said, I’m learning to find comfort in my solitude and keep in mind that I am deserving of the incredible love and deep connection that I desire.

I know I won’t be forever alone (at least, I really hope that I won’t). I’m learning to be patient. I am trying to trust in the universe that, when the time is right, it’ll give me the intimacy and tenderness that I’ve been searching for all my life.

With an abundance of love,

Tosin

Background music - Backingtracks Jazz chord progression of "Solitude" by Billie Holiday