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jikookiekosmos · 4 years

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Be Good For Me || jjk

➥Pairing: best friend!jungkook/reader

➥Summary: You’ve been best friends with Jeon Jungkook for the last several years, and you’d never really thought to look at him as anything other than that. At least, you hadn’t thought about it until that one night where some spilled drinks changed everything.

➥Genre: best friends to lovers, fluff, slight angst, smut

➥Rating: 18+

➥Content Warnings: making out, marking/biting (not much), oral (m. receiving), jungkook has a big dick, deepthroating, cum eating, thigh riding, praise kink, degradation (only happens twice), cursing (fuck is said a lot), dirty talk, aftercare, jungkook is actually the sweetest, reader has conflicting emotions

➥Words: ~4.3k

A/N: this is my first time ever writing smut, so hopefully it’s decent. Special thanks to my Kenz for inspiring me to be more adventurous with my writing, and for giving me opinions and endless support. I don’t know what I’d do without you.❤

There will probably be at least one follow up chapter to this as well!

Thank you to anyone who reads this, I hope you enjoy it~

➥Masterlist

⊱──────── ✬ ✬ ✬ ────────⊰

You fucked up. Several years of friendship, and you’d just fucked it up.

You didn’t mean for it to happen, really. Jungkook was your best friend, and you both hung out rather frequently, practically living at each other’s apartments when you weren’t by yourselves. Never did you consider that there may be more to your friendship, until that one night when everything changed.

You thought about the events of the night that happened less than a week ago, remembering how his hands felt all over you...

You both went out to a bar, you drank, played some pool, listened to live music and had a good time. Something you’d done many, many times before.

However, a waitress ended up spilling some alcohol on the both of you when they were bumped into by another drunk patron. You knelt to help clean up what had spilled onto the floor-

-and that was when you knew something shifted.

You were on the floor, more specifically, you were on your knees in front of him. As you peered up at Jungkook, an innocent enough gesture, the look he was giving you was anything but.

Even in the dim light of the bar, you could see the how the look in Jungkook’s eyes had changed, and you started to feel hot all over.

That feeling only intensified when Jungkook leaned down some to caress your cheek, his hand curving around your jaw as you continued to look up at him from your position on your knees.

You felt vulnerable, but also safe. He was looking at you in a way you’d never seen before. And for the first time - if you don’t count dreams or fantasizing - you were also looking at Jungkook in a different light.

After the incident with the spilled alcohol, you both decided to stop by your place (you both had sobered up at this point) and change clothes before heading out somewhere else.

Then it happened.

When the both of you were in your bedroom and you were trying to change your shirt, you felt arms snaking around your waist from behind. Jungkook laid his chin on your shoulder and you reflexively covered up your chest with the shirt still in your hand.

He’d seen you half-naked before, and you’d seen him. He’d wrapped his arms around you countless times in the past. But something about this felt different.

You’d be absolutely lying if you said you found Jungkook unattractive. In fact, he was probably the most attractive man you knew.

But he was also your goofy, caring, best friend for many years, so any other kind of affection beside platonic had always been, well...

Let’s just say you’ve never seriously considered it. Thought about it? Sure. Maybe even fantasized about it once or twice or a few times? Who wouldn’t.

But, in that moment where he was so close, everything felt so much more intimate and you weren’t sure what to do.

“You know,” he started to say, and you could feel his chin moving against your shoulder as he spoke, “it is really hard to just stand there while you’re here like this.”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing, the sound of your heartbeat pounded in your ears. “Whatever do you mean?”

He laughed and moved back some. You didn’t know what he was doing until he placed a kiss on your shoulder blade. You gasped at the feeling. His lips were warm and they felt so nice against your skin.

He started trailing upward, leaving small kisses on your neck, and he only stopped when he was right by your ear. You had closed your eyes during the whole thing but you opened them now to see him staring at you through the mirror on your dresser you both were standing in front of.

“Just say the word and I’ll stop,” he said lowly, his lips right underneath your earlobe. You just looked back at him through the mirror, your resolve almost crumbling. You let out a small sound, somewhere between a gasp and a whimper when he nibbled on your earlobe. He chuckled and you felt his chest vibrating against your back.

You held onto the dresser then, involuntarily leaning back in his hold. He smiled at you through the mirror and you were seconds away from losing it.

“I promise I’ll stop if this isn’t what you want,” you felt his hand moving down your stomach, ghosting over the top of your shorts. “But I need you to tell me.”

You just stared at him through half-lidded eyes, not sure what to say. Of course you wanted this, but you were also afraid. You were scared this could change your whole dynamic, and you loved how you both were now as best friends. But also, it could lead to something more.

Were you ready for that?

“Y/N,” Jungkook breathed right by your ear again. “I need to know. Because the more I keep going, the harder it is for me to restrain myself. I want you so bad,” he added the last bit softly at the end, his fingers trailed down even lower still.

“But I promise you, if you don’t want this at all, tell me and I’ll stop immediately.” He looked at you again through the mirror, his eyes sincere. You knew he would never hurt you, he always put your comfort first above everything else, no matter what.

You finally found the courage to speak. You knew what you wanted.

You wanted him the same way he wanted you.

“Don’t stop. Please,” you begged. That was all he needed.

Jungkook spun you around and lifted you up so your legs were around his waist. He wasted no time in crashing his lips against yours, moving them almost like a man that was starved. You wound your arms around his neck, pulling him in more.

He sat you down on the dresser, his hands sliding up your thighs as he deepened the kiss. You moaned into it, loving the feeling of his lips on yours. It was a feeling that up until now, you’d only dreamt about, and it was so much better than you could’ve ever imagined. He bit your bottom lip, asking for access and you let him have it.

“You have no idea what you do to me, you drive me crazy,” he told you in between kisses. He started trailing down your neck again, and you could feel him start to leave a hickey in the junction where your collarbone was.

“Ah,” you breathed out, the feeling intense. Everything with Jungkook was intense, and you loved every second of it.

You reached down to grab the hem of his shirt and tugged on it. He leaned back.

“Off. Please.” You tugged it upwards and he got the hint. He pulled it off with no hesitation, and he was standing in front of you then in all his shirtless glory. You let out a soft moan at the sight, even though you’d seen him like this before.

This was different, though, because he was here, with you, and you both were about to cross a line you may not be able to come back from.

You trailed your hand down his defined abs, letting it rest right above his jeans. Your other hand was trailing along his tattoos on his arm. His skin felt warm and you felt yourself getting wetter with each passing second.

You started to unfasten his jeans then, and when he didn’t stop you, you reached down and palmed him over his boxers. He left out a soft groan at the feeling, hungrily kissing you again.

He stopped you from going further, moving your hand away. You were confused for a second until he moved his hands around your back to unfasten your bra that you were still wearing. He looked at you as if he was asking for permission.

“Can I? I mean, it’s only fair since you keep removing more of my clothes, don’t you think?” That cocky smirk appeared on his face and you didn’t have it in you to jokingly tell him off, like you normally would.

“Go ahead,” you responded, this time taking the initiative to kiss him. He fumbled with the clasp for a second, making you giggle into his mouth. He bit down on your lip again, making you shut up.

He finally had had your bra undone and it fell off your shoulders. He pulled it the rest of the way down and unceremoniously tossed it somewhere in the room. Immediately he brought his hands up to knead your breasts, rolling your nipples in between his fingers. You arched into his touch, not even bothering to try to stifle any noises anymore.

“Good girl,” you could feel him smirking against your skin as he placed more kisses on your neck. At this rate if he kept up teasing you like this you might come undone before you had the chance to even do anything. Jungkook was that good.

“Jungkook,” you whined, feeling your resolve crumble more with each passing second. He pulled away from you to look at your face. You were breathing heavily and he was starting to as well.

“What do you want me to do to you,” he asked. You thought about it for a second because shit, what did you want? You looked down and saw the bulge in his jeans, an idea coming to you quickly.

“I want to do something to you,” you responded, giving him a quick kiss. You felt him smile against your lips.

“And what’s that, hm?”

You looked down at him again as you palmed him once more. He groaned, the sound so sweet to your ears.

“I wanna suck you off,” you said softly, lips hovering over his. You heard a sharp intake of breath leave him before he was scanning your face.

“Are you sure? Because we can go slower-“

“Jungkook, please,” you pulled him closer again, your breasts brushing against his chest now.

“Yeah, fuck, ok,” he told you, running a hand through his hair. He looked flustered and you giggled again.

“How do you want to do this,” he asked, picking you up off the dresser and setting you down in front of him. His hand cradled against your waist and it was like no matter what he always had to be touching you in some way. You loved it.

“Well, how about I get on my knees for you. You’d like that, right?” Your tone was soft which was a drastic contrast from the thing you’d just asked him.

“At least,” you added when he hadn’t said anything, “you seemed to like it earlier.” You saw him gulp and nod.

“Fuck yeah,” he responded. You led him over to the bed and had him sit down, immediately dropping onto your knees in front of him.

He groaned at the sight. “Jesus Y/N, you look so fucking hot like this. All ready to take me.”

His praise made you even more wet, and you started to work down his jeans and boxers. When you had everything down, his cock sprang free.

Holy shit, he was big. You weren’t sure you’d be able to take all of him.

Jungkook seemed to guess what you were thinking because he said “Don’t force anything, take your time and do what’s comfortable.”

His concern made you even more aroused, somehow. You used that as motivation to take in as much as you could. Before you did anything, though, you used your tongue to give the tip a quick lick, just to see how he’d react.

Jungkook leaned his head back at the feeling, letting out a soft moan from above you. So, he seemed sensitive; this was gonna be fun.

You slowly took in more of the head, working your way down and hollowing out your cheeks as you went. You kept your eyes open so you could see him. His hands were gripping the sheets on the bed.

“Holy shit, Y/N. Your mouth feels so good,” he panted out. Your praise kink was really going into overdrive tonight. Every time he said something like that it just spurred you on.

Soon enough you felt him reach the back of your throat. You hadn’t been able to take him all in sadly, but he was loving it regardless. You could feel his thigh muscles tightening underneath your palms.

‘Ok,’ you thought to yourself, ‘you can focus on his thighs some other time, you have other matters to attend to right now.’

You picked up your pace and Jungkook started getting louder. He was loud enough to let you know he was really enjoying it, and it just made you more determined to do better.

You wanted him to come undone and you wanted to be the one to do it.

You saw one of his fists clenching and unclenching around the sheets. In a moment of daring courage, you grabbed that hand and placed it on top of your head. Jungkook’s eyes opened as he looked down at you, only to moan and close them again.

“God I can’t look at you or I’m gonna cum on the spot. Shit,” he breathed out, his hips bucking up. He tried to move his hand away but you brought it back.

If he wanted to use you, then you wanted him to use you.

He panted. “F-fuck, are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you.” His sweetness made your chest feel warm, but you didn’t want to focus on that right now. You wanted to make him feel good, that was your top priority.

You patted his hand as confirmation, since you didn’t want to take your mouth off of him.

“O-ok,” he answered shakily. You could tell he was getting closer, and you wanted to bring him over the edge.

His fingers tangled in your hair, gripping tighter the further you went down. Eventually he started pushing you down even more, which you were enjoying a lot.

Too bad you had to start gagging though. Stupid reflex.

Your gagging seemed to spur him on more so you didn’t mind too much.

“Fuck sorry, shit, I didn’t mean to-“ he started to say but he cut himself off with a moan when you hollowed out your cheeks more. You picked up your pace again and you felt his thighs shaking underneath your hands.

“Fuck Y/N, I’m so close, if you don’t want me to cum in your mouth tap my hand, ok? Otherwise - shit - I’m not gonna be able to hold back.”

You didn’t make any move to tap his hand. His noises started getting louder and he opened his eyes to look at you.

That was all it took.

“Fuck-“ he let out a loud moan and soon after you felt stripes of cum hit the back of your throat. You waited until he was done before you pulled off, swallowing as much as you could. Jungkook was breathing heavily, leaning back on his hands now as he watched you.

You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand. His eyes were staring at you hungrily and before you could do anything else he pulled you up to sit on his lap. He kissed you hard and you wondered if he could taste himself on your tongue. If he did, he didn’t seem to mind it.

“These need to come off. Now,” he growled, tugging on both your shorts and leggings. You moved up so he could pull them down, leaving you in nothing but your panties which you had soaked through already. He rubbed your clit through the fabric and you let out an embarrassingly loud moan, which made him chuckle.

“You’re so fucking wet for me,” he said as he continued. Shit, were you really about to cum from him just rubbing you over clothing? It seemed like a high possibility.

You started rocking your hips back and forth and he soon set you down on his thigh. He was probably thinking about what to do next, but since your eyes were closed, you didn’t see where he was placing you and you were still rocking forward. When you felt yourself move against his thigh, you gasped at the feeling.

You opened your eyes and looked at Jungkook, and you could almost see the gears turning in his head.

“Oh, I see,” he said as he gave you a devilish grin. Oh no.

“Let’s get these off, hm?” He asked as he tugged your panties down. You shifted so he could remove them and then he settled you back down onto his thigh. You didn’t know what he was planning, but he placed his hands on your waist. He made you rock forward once more and the feeling was so intense you had to grip the sheets to stop from falling.

“Fuck,” you breathed out, closing your eyes again. He kept moving you so that you were riding against his thigh and it was easily one of the best things you’d ever felt. You knew you wouldn’t last long at this rate.

“God you’re so beautiful,” Jungkook said, sounding far away. When you were moving fine by yourself, he just left his hands around your waist, no longer guiding you. He watched as you were coming undone on his thigh, of all the places.

“Hm, I wonder...” you heard him say before he flexed his thigh muscle.

“Shit!” You moaned out and almost fell down again. You heard him laugh and he did it again. Jeon Jungkook, for the love of fuck-

“You feel so good against me. Fuck, I’m almost hard again just looking at you.” The praise spurred you on once again and you moved faster. He took one of your breasts in his mouth, his tongue lapping over your nipple and making you stutter with your movements. You wound your hands in his hair as he continued, his hands still on your hips.

“Jungkook, oh my god-“ you panted as he kept going, the stimulation driving you crazy. “Please don’t stop.”

He chuckled then. “Wasn’t planning on it,” he added in a low tone before switching to your other breast. Your own legs were shaking now, his actions making you feel unlike you’d ever felt before.

And you didn’t know if that’s because of what he was doing specifically, or if it was because he was Jungkook.

Before you had more time to contemplate that, he removed his hands from your waist, holding your hands and intertwining both your fingers so you could lean against his hands without falling down.

If someone had told you a month ago that you’d be riding your best friend’s thigh on a Friday night after coming home to change into different clothes, you would have laughed in their face. But, well, how the turn tables, right?

Jungkook leaned you forward some, changing the angle where you were moving against him so that he could kiss you again. You moaned into the kiss, feeling yourself start to come even more undone. It wouldn’t be be long now.

“You know that favor you still owe me,” he said against your lips.

You nodded vigorously, your moans increasing in pitch.

A few weeks prior you’d promised him you’d do anything he wanted if he left you alone to finish working on something; he wasn’t really bugging you, but you had a deadline you were trying to meet and you needed total concentration. Part of you was surprised he was bringing it up now, but it also didn’t surprise you at the same time.

“What is it,” you asked back, shakily.

“All I want,” he removed one of his hands from yours, still able to hold you up, and caressed your cheek, “is for you to be good for me.”

He kissed you softly and you almost came right then.

“Fuck, yeah, ok I can do that. I love being good for you.” you said the words without thinking and Jungkook groaned into another kiss.

“I fucking love hearing you say things like that. Love hearing you beg for me. You like begging for me?” He was moving your hips again now and you placed your hands on his shoulders to steady yourself.

“Yes, I love it, I love being obedient for you,” you responded, again not knowing where the FUCK any of this was coming from but fuck it, you were going for it.

He leaned forward to kiss your neck again, trailing upwards so he was by your ear.

“Yeah, is that so? You love being a little slut for me?” He bit down on your neck as he said those words and you let out the loudest moan you had for the whole night.

“Only for you,” you breathed out, feeling your orgasm approach at an alarming speed. You never knew degradation was another thing you liked, but you guessed sometimes it just takes finding the right person to bring it out.

And if Jungkook was that person for you, that excited and scared the hell out of you all at the same time.

“Good girl, that’s what I like to hear,” he chuckled against your skin.

Once again his praise washed over you and you were nearing your high. “Kook, fuck, I’m close-“

“Yeah? Go ahead. Cum all over me like the little slut that you are.”

Andddd that was that. You came hard and jolted forward, Jungkook catching you as you did so. He helped you ride out your orgasm, placing a kiss on your forehead when you were done, letting you catch your breath as he held you in his arms.

“Damn,” you heard Jungkook faintly say, “if I’d know spilling a drink on you would lead to this, I would’ve done it way sooner.”

With what little strength you had left, you smacked his chest, making him laugh.

“Not funny,” you muttered, a small smile etching its way onto your features as you closed your eyes and leaned your head on his shoulder.

“And yet, you’re still smiling,” his soft voice was right by your ear now as he placed a kiss on your temple.

When your brain finally woke up again you briefly thought about how embarrassing what just happened was before looking up at Jungkook, expecting him to maybe be disgusted or even mock you. Who the fuck rides your thigh during your first hook-up or whatever the fuck this was? There was no way you would live this down.

“Hey, look at me,” Jungkook held your face in his hands, his eyebrows downturned with worry. “You’re doing the thing again.”

“What thing”, you asked, still hazy in your post-orgasm bliss. Not hazy enough to feel any less embarrassed, though.

“You’re making the face you make when something’s troubling you. Please don’t tell me you regret what just happened because I definitely do not.” You were still sitting on his thigh and he wrapped his arms around your waist to pull you closer. You were still sensitive so the movement made you jolt, getting a chuckle out of him.

“It’s just...that was embarrassing-“

“What?” Jungkook looked at you, baffled. “Y/N, that was easily one of the hottest things I’ve ever experienced, why are you embarrassed? Shit, I’m almost ready for another round, but I know you’re too tired.” He gave you a quick peck on your nose and you giggled. You believed him, and it helped you calm down some.

“Now, if you’re done thinking things that aren’t true, how about we get cleaned up, yeah? And if you want me to leave after that, I can, or if you wanna go somewhere else we can, I figured you’re probably done for the night, though,” he said as he rubbed your back. You laid your head on his shoulder again, too tired to even contemplate going out somewhere else.

“Please don’t leave. Please stay with me.”

“Always,” he responded softly. You both got off the bed then to go take a shower, and it was intimate but in a nice, comfortable way. When you were cleaned up you snuggled back into the bed, and he pulled you close, your back against his chest. Jungkook left out a soft sigh.

“Hey,” you heard him ask as you were drifting off to sleep. “Was it ok that I called you that? A slut, I mean. It was kinda just in the moment and it slipped out but I don’t mean it and I hope you know that-“

You turned slightly so you could see him. He looked genuinely worried. You gave him a soft smile.

“Jungkook, I liked it because it came from you and it was an in the moment thing. I know you don’t mean it. You can’t go around doing that in public, though, or I promise I will kick your ass.”

He laughed then and snuggled deeper into your back, nuzzling his nose along your neck. “Got it, I just wanted to make sure. Sleep well,” he finished, placing a kiss on your shoulder blade (which is how this whole mess started, you thought to yourself).

You had no idea what just happened or where this left the two of you, or how this would affect your friendship. You didn’t really have the energy to put a lot of thought into it right now, either.

“Love you,” you heard Jungkook softly say behind you. The three words you’d heard from him so many times over the years suddenly made your heartbeat quicken.

You both said this to each other almost daily, it was as instinctual as breathing at this point. You loved each other very much, as best friends tend to do. But now these words were hitting different. Really different.

And it scared the absolute fuck out of you.

Your brain was on high alert now, trying to sort out your feelings in your sleepy, still slightly fucked-out state. As you finally drifted off to sleep, the only thing you wanted to focus on was how nice it felt to be in Jungkook’s arms.

#bts #bts smut #jungkook #jungkook smut #jungkook au #jungkook x reader #jungkook scenarios

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

Text

Mute

Prompt: I absolutely adore your writing! Could I ask for a request too, please? I was thinking of a back-and-forth between Janus and Logan, just lies after truths after lies, until one snaps and accidentally causes the other to lose the ability to speak? Since they can both technically change the reality around them. Either the recipient becomes forcibly mute or the very angsty "sowed up mouth" method. Whoever caused the other to lose their speech freaks out and tries their best to fix their mess while apologising. Either a platonic or romantic ending -whichever you decide- but with at least a happy ending please? - willowaudreykeyes

Thanks for the prompts, babe!

Read on Ao3

Warnings: sympathetic janus, logan gets his mouth sewn shut but it's okay we fix it

Pairings: can be platonic or romantic I don't care, but we hit logince, rociet, lociet

Word Count: 2922

He doesn’t even remember how it started.

Or, an argument between Logan and Janus spirals dangerously out of hand, and powers in the Mindscape are sometimes more curses than blessings.

It hadn’t been something Thomas knew about, it hadn’t been a group discussion—he doesn’t think the others know where they are. Virgil is probably in his room, Roman is working in the Imagination, Patton is baking with Remus.

He doesn’t remember how it started.

He does know how they got here.

“I fail to see what use this is,” Logan had grumbled, standing up from the library table, “I will be better off figuring this out myself.”

“Oh, yes, of course, because that’s always gone so well for you in the past.”

Logan’s eyes had flashed with anger he still denies he has. “I fail to see what gives you the opinion that you have any right to complain.”

“Because I’m certainly the one saying that I’ve done all my best work alone.”

Janus had smirked cruelly as Logan shoved his glasses back up his nose and pointed a finger at him. “Your track record, may I remind you, has certainly shown that.”

Janus had thrown his head back and cackled, filled with mirth that sat like rot in the pit of his stomach. “And yet I managed to do so much more in the few times I appeared than you.”

“Oh, like that’s the same thing.”

He had held his hand to his mouth in a mock gasp. “Why, Logan, surely you can’t be insinuating that you think the others are incompetent. How hurtful, what on earth would they say?”

“I did not say that.”

“But you meant it, didn’t you?” Janus had morphed his expression into a mock pout. “They’re all so slow, so irrational, all they do is get in the way, they’re so irritating.”

“You’re attempting to convince me that I said something I did not,” Logan had said firmly, “it will not work. The meaning of my remark, as you are aware, was that you, as your role in the videos, have an easier time disrupting the flow of conversation that I do as a member of the main cast.”

Logan had ignored—or perhaps not noticed—the subtle tightening of Janus’s fist. He had simply sniffed and looked down his nose.

“And even then, it’s a surprise you haven’t been more capable.”

Janus had bared his teeth. “Yes, because obviously, you could’ve done better.”

“Oh, please.” Logan had tucked his notebook into the crook of his arm. “Can you name one of your haphazard schemes that actually worked?”

Janus had gritted his teeth as Logan opened the notebook and began to read down the list.

“Your attempt to get Thomas to lie to Joan failed when Roman started to believe that lying was wrong as well, leading to Thomas discovering your true identity.”

“By all means,” Janus had growled, “keep going.”

“Most notably, your attempt to get Thomas to go to the callback backfired quite spectacularly—something that wouldn’t have happened in quite the same fashion had you actually let me participate—“

“Keep talking, Logan,” he’d said again, inching closer to the nerd, “that’s a wonderful idea.”

“—and of course, led to what is the most disruptive event in recent memory,” Logan had continued, undaunted, “the wedding.”

Janus hadn’t even bothered with words this time, reaching for the notebook with a growl. Logan had tucked it away before he could reach it.

“Tell me,” he had said, “was it worth it? Knowing how much it cost us?”

“Surely,” Janus had growled back, “then you know it’s not because you didn’t do your job well enough.”

Logan had stiffened. “What are you talking about?”

“Well surely you haven’t realized that the reason I was able to make it into that video in the first place,” Janus had said smoothly, sliding back into the ‘villain’ persona Logan has so graciously cast him in, “was that you were so painfully easy to replace.”

“Falsehood,” Logan had said lowly.

Janus had raised his hand again. “Oh, so you did notice. Splendid. Then you know that when it comes to pushing blame around the Mindscape—“

He had leaned closer.

“—you’re where we should be looking too.”

“I am—“

“Easy to overlook,” Janus had sung, prowling around Logan in a circle, “easy to silence. And surely there’s no correlation between when you attempt to override the others and when Thomas gets hurt. You want to talk about my failures? Then let’s not forget getting the others trapped in Patton’s room, shall we?”

Logan’s fists had tightened. “That’s not—“

“After all,” Janus had continued, speaking over him to illustrate his point, “if I’m to blame for knocking all the dominos down, you certainly didn’t give me a hand setting them up.”

“As if that in any way equivocates to what you did,” Logan had spat, the emotionless facade finally giving way as he whirled of Janus, “I did not use, manipulate, and lie to get the others to do what I want.”

“Oh, of course you didn’t.”

“And if I did, my lies would be nowhere near as comically obvious.”

“Ah, yes, of course you’re never comical.” Janus had tapped Logan’s flushed cheek. “The possibilities of you being a joke have always been…infinitesimal.”

Logan had bared his teeth as Janus chuckled. “At least my concept of a joke never hurt anyone.”

Logan’s mouth had tugged up cruelly too.

“Setting Remus loose on Thomas when you knew he was already upset, pushing the others to follow on whatever path you decided was best. And let’s not even start on what you did to Roman.”

Janus had flinched.

“Have you ever apologized?” Logan had shaken his head. “For everything that you’ve done to hurt him?”

“Have you?”

The room had dropped several degrees.

Janus had dropped the villain persona, staring directly at Logan.

“You want to talk about hurting the others, hurting Roman,” he had said lowly, “what do you think it is that you do?”

Logan had opened his mouth to speak but Janus had raised a finger.

“No. Do you know how much you’ve hurt him? Over how many years you’ve made him ashamed of who he is?” He had shaken his head. “I know I’ve hurt him. But you don’t seem to recognize it.”

He had looked Logan up and down, mouth curled in disgust.

“Maybe I’m not good enough at my job for your liking, but I sure was good at yours.” He had raised an eyebrow. “Maybe they wanted you silenced permanently. They did press the ‘skip’ button, after all.”

He had looked for the shadow of the bruise on Logan’s neck.

“And it was so easy to replace you. To silence you properly.”

He had turned away, not bothering to look at Logan’s face.

“Maybe I should do them a favor and keep you quiet.”

There had been a strangled gasp behind him.

“Oh, what,” Janus had drawled, turning around, “did you finally realize you don’t have a smart comeback for…”

The room had frozen.

…so that’s how they got here.

Janus, standing a few paces from Logan, turning back to face him, the sharp quip dying on the edge of his lips as his mouth drops open in horror, staring back.

Logan, his eyes wide, shining with unshed tears, glasses blurred and obscured by the bright light shining from the golden stitches that sew his mouth shut.

Logan raises trembling hands to his mouth, feeling the stitches, tears rolling down his face. His fingers disappear into the bright golden light as he fumbles with his mouth, until he realizes that he can’t.

The strangled scream lingers in Janus’s head long after Logan shrinks into a crouch on the floor.

No.

No, no, no, no—no, not Logan. Not Logan.

“Oh, god—“ Logan’s hands keep pressing fruitlessly against his mouth— “no, oh, god, Logan—“

He runs back, ready to crouch and pry Logan’s hands away before he hurts himself, chest splitting open from the ache of hurting the poor thing like this.

He doesn’t think it could hurt more.

Like so many other times today, he’s wrong.

The instant Logan catches a glimpse of him moving toward him, he shoves himself away, scrambling backward until his back hits the wall. Eyes wide, breathing as heavily as he can through the stitches, utterly terrified.

As he has every right to be.

“No, no, Logan,” he murmurs frantically, “no, it’s okay, I’m not trying to hurt you—“

Does it matter that you’re not trying? You certainly were earlier.

“—I promise, Logan, please, I’m—I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

Through the pants, the sobs, the shakiness of his chest, Logan huffs, disbelieving.

“I didn’t, Logan, I promise.” Janus drops to his knees in front of the crying man. “I—we went too far. I’m sorry, I didn’t know this would happen, I didn’t mean to, please—“

The poor thing presses himself further against the wall. Janus swallows, feeling guilt press hot and heavy against the underside of his tongue. He reaches out, trying desperately to show him that he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to, he doesn’t actually believe anything he just said, he’s nothing but a liar, a horrible liar, please—

“I didn’t mean it, Logan, I promise, you’re—you’re not replaceable, I don’t want you silenced, the others don’t hate you, they don’t want you gone, I’m sorry—“

Slowly, too slowly, and not slowly enough, Logan’s breathing begins to settle. His eyes lose that awful whiteness and he slumps a little against the wall. His cheeks are damp, his glasses knocked askew, but he stares at Janus and slowly, slowly, nods.

“L-Logan?”

Another nod, a little less hesitant.

Janus’s shoulders slump. “Oh, Logan, why does it always end up with you being the better person?”

A tiny quirk of the eyebrow, nowhere near Logan’s typical sass levels, but it’s enough. It’s enough. Enough to make a weak smile come to Janus’s face.

“Can I come over, please? Can I come help?”

Logan nods, still wary as Janus shuffles across the floor. Before he makes it all the way there, he tugs off his gloves and stuffs them in his pocket.

“There,” he says quietly, wiggling his fingers to get used to it, “don’t want the fibers getting caught on anything.”

Logan’s wide-eyed stare tells him he knows why Janus really took the gloves off. Something Janus confirms a moment later.

“And I want you to know that I mean it.” He reaches forward. “Can I touch?”

Logan still flinches when Janus runs his thumb carefully over the cruel stitches sewing Logan’s mouth shut. He winces as he takes in how taut the thread is, how many stitches there are.

“Oh, Logan, I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, “does it hurt very badly?”

Another miserable nod.

Then it clicks.

Logan.

The one who submits least to the Imagination. The one who tethers himself tightly to the fact that they are metaphysical, they are subjective, they need not subject themselves to real-world consequences of whatever nonsense the other Sides pull.

Logan still has the stitches.

It threatens to break Janus’s heart all over again.

“Oh, sweetie,” he murmurs, cupping Logan’s face and slipping his glasses to the top of his head, “I’ve hurt you more than this, haven’t I?”

For indeed, if Logan is too upset to remember how to pull himself out of turns of phrase, then the poor thing is distraught.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” he murmurs, gently wiping away Logan’s tears, “it’s okay, sweetie, I’m not going to hurt you, it’s over, I’m not angry, I’m going to take care of you.”

And oh, the way Logan pushes shyly into his hands feels warm.

“Does this help, sweetie, is this alright?” At Logan’s nod, he moves, tucking Logan’s legs across his lap with his other hands. “Come here, yes—that’s it, shh, I’ve got you, you just focus on me.”

Logan’s eyes fall closed and a muffled whimper comes from his throat.

“I’ve got you, sweetie, I’m right here,” Janus murmurs, still cupping the poor thing’s head as it leans into him, “shh, shh, let’s get you a little calmer before we have a look, okay?”

Logan gives a huff of ‘what do you think I’m trying to do?’

“I know you know that, sweetie,” he chuckles, lifting Logan’s head to gently knock their foreheads together, “you’re clever. Our resident brain cell.”

He wraps one hand around the back of his neck.

“It’s just like what you taught us, remember? Object impermanence. This won’t last forever. I’m right here. You were so brave, you are so brave, so wonderful, so sweet…just give yourself time, sweetie, it’s okay.”

Logan relaxes a little in his hold as he keeps talking quietly. The poor thing gets over his hesitation and buries his face shamelessly in the crook of Janus’s neck.

“Shh, shh, that’s it, sweetie, easy now—“ Janus cradles him as he sets his glasses out of the way— “I’ve got you. I’m right here, sweetie, I’ve got you. It’s almost over, now, you can do it, shh.”

Another muffled noise from Logan.

“You’re not easily replaceable,” Janus says firmly, “you’re not unwanted. You’re not a joke, the others know how much you care about them, how much you help them, how important they are to you, how important you are to them.”

He tilts his head to press a kiss to Logan’s temple.

“How important you are to me.”

The golden light dims, sputters, and vanishes.

“…sweetie?”

Logan pulls back, carefully rubbing his fingers over his stitch-free mouth. He opens and closes a few times.

“Ouch.”

“Are you alright, sweet? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

“I know,” Logan says quietly, “I’m sorry too. That…escalated very quickly. I did not mean the things I said either.”

He squints.

“Oh, here—“ Janus passes him his glasses.

“Thank you. But that’s not why I—what were we arguing about, to begin with?”

Janus huffs a laugh. “I had been meaning to ask you that question.”

“Well, whatever it is, it must not have been very important.”

There’s a moment of silence.

“I’m sorry too,” Logan repeats after that pause, “you are not just a villain, you are not incompetent, and you…you are not to blame for everything that has gone wrong.”

Janus chucks him lightly under the chin. “Neither are you.”

“I know that, intellectually, and yet…somehow, it remains difficult for me to grasp.”

“Because even though you’re Logic, sweetie,” Janus says, “you’re Thomas’s Logic.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Because Thomas is, frankly, something of a dumbass.”

It startles a laugh out of him at any rate.

“I mean, that also makes you a dumbass.”

“Oh, I’m perfectly aware.”

Logan’s smile is wonderful. “What is it that Roman is quite fond of saying?”

“That he’s pure of heart, dumb of ass?”

“That’s is.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“It is.” Logan frowns. “Even if he’s far more intelligent than he gets credit for.”

Janus nudges him. “I hope you know that you can be big of brain and dumb of ass at the same time.”

“Ah. I see.”

There’s another moment of silence as they reflect on what’s been said. Then Logan nervously adjusts his tie.

“Speaking of Roman…”

“I was about to say.” Janus gives his knee a pat. “Shall we see if we can find him?”

“I believe his business in the Imagination should be done.” They help each other to stand, Logan keeping a grip on Janus’s sleeve. “Should we check his room first?”

“I think so.”

Roman, of course, swings open the door with a cheerful greeting, the role of the pompous prince firmly in place until he takes in their tear-stained faces and he melts, dropping the act almost immediately.

“Oh, my darlings,” he coos, cupping each of their faces in a hand, “what’s the matter? Why do you look so upset?”

“May we come in, please?” Indeed, poor Logan looks as if he’s about to melt into Roman’s arms. Janus can’t talk, though, he’s about to do the same.

“Of course, come on, let’s get you sat down—“

Roman bustles about the room, fetching them a glass of water, sitting on his bed with them, almost bursting into tears himself when he hears what’s happened and promptly telling them they’re going to spend the rest of the day right here, in comfy clothes, watching ridiculously obscure documentaries until Patton and Remus call them down for dinner. They keep a hand on each other at all times, laughing at Janus’s snarky responses to awful narrators, Logan’s quick corrections when the information is out of date, and Roman’s impersonations of the strange wildlife. Roman’s room is pleasantly noisy and they wouldn’t have it any other way.

He doesn’t remember how it started, but he will always remember how it ended.

Curled around each other, in the warmth and safety of the people who care about him.

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starryeyedweeb · 3 years

Text

Walking In On Your Fave Anime Blondes Singing Along to Dolly Parton’s “Dumb Blonde”

Content Includes: Honestly, this could be read as either platonic or romantic- it’s basically borderline crack meant to give you a smile and some laughs. All underaged characters are aged up to 18+. Gender neutral reader, some language

Characters Included: Armin Arlert, Kurapika Kurta, Hawks/Takami Keigo, Tsukishima Kei, Gojou Satoru, Bakugou Katsuki

“Just because I’m blonde, don’t think I’m dumb. Because this dumb blonde ain’t nobody’s fool.”

Armin

This is actually his power song

Before important meetings and strategy sessions where he’s slated be a big presenter, you’ll always hear him mumbling the same words over and over again under his breath, but you can never make out what they are

Until one day when you’re able to connect the dots

One such meeting was coming up, and you leave for it before Armin does

He had just told you that he’s not quite ready to leave yet, but doesn’t explain why

You don’t think much about it and carry on, until you realize that you left a part of your harness at home and have to turn back

As you walk back through the door, you notice the sound of singing coming from his bedroom

The voice is distinctively Armin’s, and seeing as you’ve never heard him sing before, you’re actually quite excited

You sneak in as quietly as possible, and much to your amusement, you find him singing to himself in the mirror, pointing back at himself and belting the words almost aggressively

“Because this dumb blonde ain’t nobody’s fool!”

You wanted to sneak away and pretend you never saw anything, but you can’t resist bursting out into laughter

He jumps around and yelps, his face turning cherry red

“Y/N! I thought you left! I, um...I- this was...”

“Oh, my god.” A realization dawns on you. “Is that what you’re always whispering under your breath when you’re nervous?”

“Um...yeah. It just makes me feel stronger, I guess. I know, it’s so stupid...”

“No, it’s so cute! I promise,” you assure him. “And it’s fitting.”

“Really?”

“Of course! Even though you’re blonde, there’s not a dumb bone in your body.” You wrap him in a hug. “And you definitely aren’t anybody’s fool. Never let yourself be convinced otherwise.”

Kurapika

He’s had a bad day at work.

A really bad day.

He bursts through the front door one evening, eyes bright crimson, absolutely raving about how sick he was of being pushed around and treated like he’s less than he is, spewing out ultimatums such as “To hell with the intel, I’m never going back to being a bodyguard ever again.”

To cheer him up and to get away until his anger could simmer down, you offer go pick up his favorite meal

And as you approach the door with the food in hand, you hear something odd on the other side

You cautiously open the door and peer inside, discovering Kurapika yelling along to the popular song

No, seriously- yelling

There’s no sense of song to his cadence whatsoever, he’s just hollering louder than you’ve ever thought him capable of

He’s also pulled out a basket of laundry and has started throwing it around the room as he continues on his rampage

(It was the least destructive thing he could take his anger out on)

You tiptoe over to put the food on the counter, but he’s still yet to notice you

When he shows no signs of stopping, his eyes growing redder by the second, you eventually clear your throat

“Pika, what are you doing?”

He stops with a jolt, the ending notes of the song fading away in the background

The red of his eyes drops down to his face as he realizes what you just saw

“y/n...how long have you been standing there?”

“Since the first chorus.” You choke down a giggle. “I didn’t know you liked that song.”

“I don’t, I just...” He rubs the back of his neck. “Silly as this is, it’s just the best way I’ve found to relieve my petty stress in a safe way.”

“So... this is something you do often?”

His face grows so red you think it might burst. “...yes.”

You two stare at each other for a few moments, then simultaneously burst into laughter

The kind where your entire body shakes, your stomach hurts, and tears spill from your eyes

When he doubles over to catch his breath, you cross the room to wrap him in a hug, rocking back and forth

“Can I join in next time?” you teasingly ask. “It looks fun.”

Kurapika wipes his cheeks and rolls his eyes with a smile. “Sure, why not? Just don’t tell anyone else.”

Hawks

This was the first time you had ever slept over with Keigo, and what he listens to while getting ready comes as quite a surprise.

He gets up before you do, and you wake to hear strange music coming through the closed bathroom door

You tiptoe over to see what’s going on, sliding the door open as quietly as possible

Not that he would’ve heard you, anyway, because as he’s doing his eyeliner, he’s humming along to the blaring Dolly Parton hit, swaying his hips in time with the beat

When the song reaches its defining line, he pulls the eyeliner pen away from his face and throws his head back, wailing the lyrics to the ceiling with comedic passion

You stifle your laughter behind your hand as he returns to his task, still oblivious to your presence

Picking a choice moment to reveal yourself, you burst fully into the bathroom and fix him with a mischievous look

“Whatcha listening to?”

He jumps in shock when he spots you, leaving a streak of eyeliner down his cheek

“Fuck!” He exclaims, pouting at the black stripe. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough,” you tease.

“I mean, it’s not what it looks like.” He avoids eye contact, hunting around for makeup remover. “Don’t you just have a random song that gets you motivated, no matter how stupid it is?”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed.” You hoist yourself up onto the bathroom counter next to him. “Dolly Parton is amazing. ‘Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeeeeene’.”

“You know what? She is. You’re so right.” He points his eyeliner at you, nodding in aggressive approval. “See? This is why I like you.”

And you can bet your ass that every time you get in the car together from here on out, you’re blaring Dolly Parton

There have been several instances when you’ve shown up to missions with it pounding from the speakers as you sleekly step out of the car, ready to apprehend any villains that dare to cross the pair of you

And it’s the most badass thing ever.

Tsukishima

At this point in your relationship, you thought you had learned all of Tsukishima’s secrets.

You were wrong.

It starts completely innocently, with the two of you going with Yamaguchi for a boba run

And when Tsukishima settles into the driver’s seat, his phone auto-connects to the speakers and sends familiar country twangs through the car at a volume that prompts you to clap your hands over your ears

“Shit!” he mutters, fumbling around, unsure which would do the most damage control: changing the song or muting the volume

“Kei,” you guffaw, “what the hell were you listening to?”

“It was an ad,” he insists, eventually managing to get the volume to a favorable range and select a less-embarrassing song choice

“Don’t let him fool you, Y/N.” Yamaguchi’s head pokes between the two front seats. “Dumb Blonde is one of his favorite songs.”

“And don’t listen to how idiotic Yamaguchi’s being,” Tsukishima bites back, but the pink tinge growing over the top of his ears betrays his lie.

“It’s been one of his top five most played songs for about three years now,” Yamaguchi continues. “I think he relates to it.”

“You’re kidding!”

At this point, you can’t control your giggles, and Kei’s jaw grows tighter by the second

“Yeah, and once he has a couple of drinks in him, he’ll shamelessly belt the hell out of it at karaoke.” Yamaguchi’s gaze flickers to his phone as his finger rapidly scrolls. “Here, I have a video.”

“Yamaguchi, don’t you dare-”

Tsukishima reaches a long arm out to steal the phone, but you grab his hand before he can take it

“Aht aht, Tsukki,” you tease. “You have two passengers that you’re responsible for. Eyes on the road, please.”

As he glowers, Yamaguchi shows you a glorious video of Tsukishima absolutely wailing out the Dolly Parton hit into a karaoke microphone, the teammates around him laughing so hard that they almost appeared to be choking

“That’s amazing!” You squeal, belly hurting from so much laughter. “But I can’t believe that video didn’t spread around like wildfire.”

“Bold of you to assume that I don’t have worse blackmail to use against all of them,” Kei snaps.

“Well, you should know that you’re never going to live this down as far as I’m concerned.”

“I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. Everyone has guilty pleasures.” By this point, his face is the same shade as a tomato, but he fixes you with a knife-like gaze that strikes fear into your heart. “Shall I start listing yours?”

Gojou

(i know he’s technically silver/platinum but he just has blonde energy okay)

The last thing you expect to come home to after a long day of work is Dolly Parton music blaring through your home

And you expect even less to find Gojou standing on the couch, belting the song at the top of his lungs

Beyond the initial shock, you have to admit that he actually sounds quite good, hitting each note to perfection and performing the song with subtle corresponding choreography

“Gojou!” You eventually shout. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Oh, good! You’re home.” He deftly hops off the couch and approaches you with a grin. “I’ve been wanting your opinion on my act.”

“Your act?”

“Yes! The school staff has an annual karaoke contest coming up. I do this song every year, and it’s undefeated.”

“Every year? How have I never known about this?”

“I actually don’t have any idea. I have videos. I’ll show them to you, if you’d like.”

“You’re a little too proud of that,” you giggle. “But if it’s undefeated, why do you need my opinion on it?”

“Because everyone always conspires to try and beat me. I have to keep it fresh. But lately, it’s just been feeling stale.” He furrows his brows, a finger going to his chin in contemplation.

“How are you so serious about this but so carefree when you’re literally about to die?” You grab his elbows and give them a small shake. “Anyway, what I saw certainly didn’t seem stale. Seems like you were having a pretty good time.”

“A good time just isn’t enough anymore...”

You clap a hand over your mouth to stifle your laughter as he paces around the room, more serious than you’d ever seen him

Over a karaoke contest to a Dolly Parton song

He snaps his fingers as he finally comes to his realization, approaching you with a sinister smile

“I’ve got it! You should perform it with me.”

“Are you serious? No! No no no.”

“Come on, don’t be so closed-minded.” Gojou grabs your hand and yanks you up onto the couch with him. “Give it a shot.”

After much protesting on your part and much silly encouragement on his, you try it out to pacify him, and end up being quite the dynamic duo

As he wished, you perform the comedic act at the karaoke contest, and satisfy Gojou by maintaining his undefeated record

“You know that you owe me big time now, right?” you ask as he admires the cheap trophy he’s just been handed.

He grins, draping his long arm over your shoulders. “Anything you want, you’ve got it.”

Bakugou

Bakugou discovers the song after Kirishima and Denki put it on his playlist as a joke

Denki had the bright idea to give Bakugou the nickname “dumb blonde” and figured that the prank would be the start of it all

Needless to say, it didn’t go over very well

There was yelling

And a few punches thrown

You eventually have to pull him away, imploring him to calm down

“I’m not going to calm down until that piece of shit is off my playlist.”

You promptly take his phone and hold it in front of him, removing the offending song

“See? Gone. Now please chill out.”

Flash-forward to a week or so later

You happen to walk into the gym for a late night run on the treadmill while he’s there doing weights

Since he was alone before you entered, his music is hooked up to the central sound system, blaring some heavy metal song as he softly hums along in time with his breaths

You don’t think anything of it, giving him a small wave and going to put your own earbuds in

Until the barely-perceptible lyrics seem a little familiar

You pause to listen for a moment, and shoot him a look of shock when you realize that he is, in fact, listening to a heavy metal cover of Dumb Blonde.

“Is this-”

“Shut up,” he snaps, avoiding eye contact and continuing to pump the machine with frightening intensity.

“How did you even find a cover like this?”

“Shut. Up.”

“I’m just so-”

“It just helps me work out, okay?” He lets the weight drop with a sharp clang. “Don’t you fucking dare tell anyone about this.”

You raise your hands in surrender. “I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Good. Now get on with your workout and let me finish mine.”

He focuses his fiery gaze on the faraway wall, but strangely doesn’t bother to change or turn off the song

And you can’t resist pulling your phone out, pretending to take a selfie while you’re actually, in fact, filming him behind you

“I can see you, stupid,” he snaps. “I’m serious. I’ll fucking kill you.”

You jump in fear, the phone falling from your hands.

“I wasn’t!” You fib. “Besides, it’s away now.”

But little did he know, you had already captured everything you needed to see, and the footage was already on its way to Kirishima and Denki

You know that you’re beyond dead once he finds out what you had done, but the amusement of it all is beyond worth it

Besides, maybe now he’d think twice before the next time he makes fun of someone.

144 notes · View notes

ellohcee · 3 years

Text

It Seems Fitting

Summary: (get it cause they meet at the fitting rooms)

Well this is something I’ve had sitting around for a while and it was going to accompany a piece for day 7 of Jaspvid week until the other idea hit me. Since I had this mostly fixed up to post by that time I decided to finish up and post it anyway.

- - - -

David hummed softly as he turned back and forth in the mirror, tugging the dress shirt down a little and trying to see how it rested in the back. He liked it, it looked good with the slacks and vest but he would have to get the seal of approval first. He turned around and opened the door to step out of the dressing room stall, looking down at himself as he did so. “Okay, how does this look?”

“Rockin.”

David froze because that was most definitely not Gwen, looking up to see a man standing there with a pair of black pants slung over his arm, paused midway to find an open room. He looked nonplussed, but David immediately flushed red in mortification regardless. “OH, I’m- I’m sorry I was expecting my friend to be out here I’m so sorry-” he stammered.

“Hey hey, it’s chill,” the man said with a grin, making David’s stomach flutter. “But for real though, it’s good on you.”

“You really think?” David asked, his shoulders hunching a little closer to his ears.

“Yeah dude. I mean, I’ve been told my fashion sense is shit so take my word with a grain of salt, but I think you look baller,” he said matter-of-factly. “Classy.”

“Oh. Thank you,” David replied, pleasantly surprised.

“David I found you another tie that’s less stupid looking- oh, hey, friend of yours?” Gwen asked as she walked up, looking between the two curiously.

David stammered for a moment before the stranger cut in, rescuing him. “Impromptu outfit rater. I was just tellin’ your boy here he looks-” he paused to click his tongue, rocking a fist side to side with his thumb and pinky extended. “Awesome.”

David flushed as Gwen let out a bark of laughter, giving him a look that doubled his embarrassment and told him he’d never live this down. “You giant dork, did you just barge out here and ask a stranger?”

“I wasn’t looking and I thought you would be out here like you said!” David protested in mortification, his ears and cheeks red as can be and suddenly feeling too hot under the bright lights of the fitting rooms.

“I’m sorry but I had to get a different tie, that one with the pine trees is so fucking stupid,” she shot back while the stranger watched on, obviously amused by their bickering.

“But I like it,” David whined in protest.

“Fine, let’s ask your new outfit rater,” Gwen teased as David started to protest, holding two ties up to the man while ignoring David’s hurried attempt at intervention. “Which one do you think would go best?”

“Gwen, come on, leave him alone I’ve already bothered him enough-”

“I like the pine trees,” their new friend replied calmly, smiling at their incredulous looks.

Gwen groaned, her eyes rolling so far skyward and her shoulders dropping in defeat. “God, seriously, you too?” she demanded, giving him a betrayed look despite knowing this man for all of two minutes.

“Yeah man! I’m not a big tie guy, but when I am absolutely forced to wear one, I do like me a good fun pattern,” he said, winking at David. “The trees are cute, and the green matches your eyes.”

David’s face went redder, his heart giving a big uncomfortable thump because excuse me pardon but what did the wink mean??

Meanwhile Gwen made a frustrated noise. “Fine, keep your stupid dorky pine trees,” she grumbled, tossing the tie at David and earning a surprised noise as he fumbled to catch it. He blinked down at the tie before looking up to watch Gwen as she left to put the other one back.

David swallowed, looking back over to his impromptu outfit rater. “Um, s-sorry,” he said, trying to smile.

“No worries dude, it’s all good. I’m Jasper, by the way,” he dropped casually, shoving his free hand in his jeans pocket and resting his weight to one side.

“Oh! Uh, David!” the redhead replied pleasantly, straightening out the tie in his hands before he could wrinkle it. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Jasper grinned, making David’s stomach flip again because gosh what a nice smile he was such a sucker for a nice smile and he was so not prepared to have a conversation with someone so handsome in the dressing room after embarrassing himself like that-

“So Fancy Pants, you guys gettin’ ready for a thing?” Jasper asked, breaking him out of his spiraling thoughts.

“Oh, yes, Gwen insisted that I get something new otherwise she won’t be seen with me,” David murmured, embarrassed.

Jasper laughed kindly. “Well I’m sure you two will look great together no matter what.”

David was about to reply, when something hit him and he suddenly furiously did not want Jasper to think the wrong thing even though they’d probably never see each other again but he had to let it be known- “Oh, no we’re not d-dating,” he corrected hastily, making the other man’s eyebrow quirk slightly, that calm smile still on his face. “But we are going together to a friend’s wedding this weekend, since we’re both single.”

Jasper suddenly blinked, losing his amused look. “This weekend? Long shot, humor me here, but it’s not Deena and Sai, is it?”

David’s mouth dropped open just a tiny bit. “Yes, it is. You know them?”

“Yeah dude, I’m goin too!” Jasper said with a grin, holding his arms out a little. “Sai is one of my buds from high school.”

“Gwen and I have worked with Deena for the last two years,” David said in surprise.

“Small world,” Jasper replied, looking amused and a little… delighted? It was an unexpected break from his so-far casual demeanor that threw David a little bit for a loop. “Well then, I’ll let you get back to it. Hope I see you there, Davey,” he said with another wink, making David’s heart to that stupid flip-flop thing again.

Who gave this perfect stranger authority to send him so completely off kilter?

“Y-yes, see you then,” he said, trying to sound like he hadn’t just been run over.

Jasper’s grin stretched a little wider before he headed down the row of dressing rooms, disappearing into one of the doors.

David let out a shaky breath, trying to compose himself just as Gwen appeared at his side again and made him jump. “Are you still standing here? You been talking to your new boyfriend that long? I don’t blame you, he’s hot.”

“Shhhh!” David shushed her frantically, waving a hand in the direction Jasper had gone as his heart raced double overtime now between the interaction and Gwen’s sudden reappearance. “He’s just down that way,” he whispered, still red, still flustered.

“So what? God, what a dork. Are you gonna get that or what?”

“I’m- I was- you-”

“Come on David I don’t want to be here all day, I want to get lunch,” Gwen insisted, crossing her arms impatiently.

David sighed in frustration, retreating back into the changing room to get back into his normal clothes and most definitely not pouting. “You didn’t even tell me if it looks good,” he mumbled petulantly, just loud enough for her to catch.

“You didn’t need my opinion, you seemed to hold his high enough,” Gwen teased calmly from outside the door, making David go red again. Was he that obvious??

“Gwen, please keep your voice down,” he whined, imagining Jasper several doors down probably hearing at least Gwen’s half of the conversation and maybe his whispering and probably deciding that David was in fact a giant mess and now debating whether or not he actually hoped to see them at the wedding-

“Why? What’s the big deal?”

“Because,” David said pertinently as he gathered up the clothes and opened the door, stepping out. “He is going to the same wedding this weekend,” he hissed, his lips pursing in what liked to think was a stern glare but in all actuality looking like a peeved child.

“What! No way!” Gwen exclaimed as the redhead quickly shuffled her out of the fitting rooms.

“Yes, and I’d rather not be a complete mess if we see him and he overheard,” David grumbled softly.

“Why not? He seemed kinda sweet on you and you were a total mess already, like, near disaster levels and he was still cool,” she mused. “You can talk to him again, maybe get his number!”

“I- nonono, I don’t think he- he wasn’t-” David stammered.

“He totally was,” Gwen shot back. “He low-key complimented your eyes and winked at you, he is not straight.”

David took a shaky breath as something hit him. “Twice,” he said softly in realization.

“What?”

“He… winked at me again after you left,” he said, embarrassed. “When he said that he… hoped he’d see us there. And he called me Davey.”

Gwen looked incredulous and maybe on the verge of hitting him or strangling him or both if the mood struck her right. “And you still think he’s not interested?? He thinks you’re cute you idiot!! If you don’t find him at that damn wedding and get his number I will end you! Did you at least get his name?” she asked, her tone clearly pleading work with me here.

“Jasper,” David said, hunching his shoulders a little.

“Well at least you got a foot in the door,” Gwen scoffed, her murder plans paused as she gave him a not-so-gentle but still friendly nudge where he’d slowed a little. “Pay for your shit and let’s go eat, then you can sigh and daydream about his smile and whatever all you want.”

“Gwen,” David whined miserably.

- - - -

Nerves ate him up all week as David found himself simultaneously dreading and anticipating seeing Jasper at the wedding. He had a hard time imagining someone so handsome and easygoing would so easily take a shine to his awkward self when he’d been such a disaster, but Gwen was adamant. That didn’t stop him from dreading making a fool of himself again as he stood there sipping from his water at the reception on Saturday. But also meticulously scanning the crowd looking for Jasper...

So what if he’d mentioned David’s eyes. And complimented his outfit. And looked kind of excited to find out they were going to the same wedding. That didn’t mean anything. Gwen insisted he’d been flirting but no one ever flirted with David how was he supposed to know. There was no way Jasper had been flirting with him. Right?

“You got the threads!”

David whirled around in surprise, his heart racing upon seeing Jasper approaching, looking unlawfully handsome in black slacks and a purple dress shirt. He’d rolled up the sleeves and there was the ends of a black tie with little rainbow polka dots hanging from his pants pocket and now it was going to be ten times harder talking to him. He was toeing the line between causal and formal and it just looked so good on him that it wasn’t fair. “J-Jasper,” he greeted, smiling and trying to control the butterflies in his stomach.

“Hey Davey, you look great, just like I said,” Jasper grinned. “Even better without price tags hanging off ya,” he added playfully.

David just barely stifled his surprised laugh. “Thanks, you- you do too. Purple really suits you,” he said shyly.

Jasper didn’t seem the type for formal clothing, judging by the jeans and well-worn t-shirt he’d been in the other day, but he sure pulled this off nicely. It didn’t even seem out of place that he still wore the few colorful woven bracelets David had spotted in the dressing room. It fit him.

“Thanks dude, I can clean up alright sometimes,” Jasper teased, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Where’s your friend? Gwen, right?”

“Yes, she’s talking with Deena and some of the other ladies.”

“She abandoned you? Weak,” Jasper tsked softly. “I’ll hang with you, if that’s cool?”

“O-of course,” David replied, receiving a grin in response that suddenly rendered him a little bit weak.

They talked for a little while about standard casual things, work, hobbies, interests, the stupid stuff Jasper had done with Sai in high school, and David found himself slowly relaxing as time went on. It was getting easier to talk to Jasper, he was so casual and laid back it was like a vortex of calm that was drawing him in, telling him to stop being such an anxious mess. He would love for that to happen, it would be a lot easier of finding someway to see Jasper again in the future if he weren’t a total anxious mess.

But no matter how nervous he was, he couldn’t help but laugh at the cheesy quips and jokes Jasper made, and the other man seemed a tiny bit delighted at every little laugh and giggle he got in response.

Without realizing it, they’d gotten lost in their own little corner of the reception talking for nearly an hour. When the band started playing again after a break and people headed for the dance floor, Jasper’s eyes fixed in that direction. They’d both gone silent when the music started, Jasper’s keen gaze remaining on the crowd for a few moments before suddenly clicking his tongue as if a decision had been made. “Soooo,” he drawled slowly, casual, glancing over at David. “Yoooouu... wanna dance?” he asked hopefully.

David met his eyes in surprise, a blush burning his cheeks as his mind fought to catch up. “I- y-yes, I’d… love to,” he said softly.

Jasper’s face lit up. “Sweet,” he said happily, holding a hand out.

David took in a quiet, shaky breath before placing his hand in Jasper’s and letting the other man lead him over to the dance floor.

“I’m not like… a super great dancer? So do you wanna lead or should I?” Jasper asked, surprising David because he hadn’t even thought about who would lead.

“Oh, um, either way is fine?”

“Well you’re taller, so I think you should,” Jasper said matter-of-factly, turning to David as they found a spot and bringing the redhead’s hand to his waist without missing a beat. He arranged their hands together on the opposite side before resting his free one on David’s shoulder, giving him a disarming grin.

David flushed at the feel of Jasper’s waist under his palm, swallowing. “Well I don’t think that- has anything to do with it- but- okay,” he stammered, moving to start the dance and placing his feet carefully.

“It’s a way to decide and get us dancing sometime today,” Jasper shot back playfully.

“Fair enough,” David laughed softly, watching their feet for a few moments as they continued to move, slowly getting used to the contact. “You’re not that bad!”

“Gimme time, I’ll fuck it up, don’t worry. And that’s not a threat just a promise,” Jasper replied casually, making David laugh again. “That’ll be the true test, how many times can I step on your feet before you get sick of me,” he teased.

“Well, I have to say your charm far makes up for whatever you may lack in dancing,” David replied.

“You think I’m charming?” Jasper asked, his eyes alight.

“It’s hard not to,” David said, smiling at the adorable and sincere delight on his dance partner’s face.

“I’ve been told goofball, dork, manchild, square, way back when anyone but me still said that, but never has my me-ness been described as charming. It’s pretty cool,” Jasper decided. “You’re pretty cool,” he added, grinning.

“Oh, I am not,” David chastised softly.

“Nah dude, seriously, otherwise I wouldn’t be taggin’ after you like a lost puppy,” he laughed, going a little pink actually. “I’m stoked and amazed I haven’t driven you nuts yet.”

“I don’t mind at all,” David replied, smiling at Jasper’s surprised look. “I um, I really like talking with you,” he added.

“Most excellent,” Jasper said, his grin coming back full force and his cheeks going a little darker. It made David feel better to finally not be the only one who was flustered, even if it was only a little on Jasper’s part.

They continued to talk and dance into the next song, and while they kept a respectful inch between them, it was never tense or uncomfortable. Despite Jasper’s earlier insistence that he wasn’t a good dancer, they flowed well together. No one’s feet ever got stepped on and things got even better when the band switched to something a little more upbeat.

People around them started dancing to match the new mood, and Jasper so smoothly pulled David into a new style of dance he took a few moments to adjust. It was… he didn’t know what it was. He thought maybe Jasper was making it up on the spot but then again it kind of seemed like that’s what most people were doing.

“C’mon Davey, loosen up, this is the part where we just wing it and no one gives a shit if we look like dorks,” Jasper teased, lifting David’s hand up and spinning under it so easily and casually that it pulled a delighted laugh from the redhead before he could stifle it.

“There ya go!” Jasper egged happily, the grin nearly splitting his face, his eyes bright and shining under the lights strung above the dance floor.

David’s face was flushed with delight, his own smile rivaling Jasper’s as they fell into a comfortable rhythm together.

They danced, happily oblivious and lost only in each other for some time. Without even realizing when it had happened, David had grown much more comfortable with Jasper. He was still a bit of a mess and the butterflies would not let up the whole time, but it became much easier to talk and joke with the other man.

He wondered where Gwen went, catching glimpses of her through the crowd sometimes but otherwise it was just them. Eventually they decided to break for some water, leaving the dance floor and heading over to the refreshment table to catch their breath. David felt like he was in a dream the whole time, as Jasper seemed perfectly content to stay with him as they leaned against a low stone wall near the venue’s fountain, talking quietly.

He wasn’t sure when it had gotten dark, but a bit of a chill was definitely setting into the evening air, and it made him very aware of Jasper’s close proximity next to him. He could feel the man’s body heat where their arms were nearly touching, creeping in through the fabric of his dress shirt and making David feel warm, hazy.

During a few moments of comfortable silence, David felt his phone buzz in his pocket and took it out to see a text from Gwen.

Want to wrap up your shit? Go in like 30 min? Tired.

When had it gotten so late? Had it been so easy to just get lost for hours with Jasper?

Sure, he texted back, setting his water down so he could use both hands while Jasper glanced curiously at him. I’ll meet you in front at 10:30?

Better, she responded, and he could hear her grumpy, mostly seriously threat even through text.

He smiled, looking up at Jasper. “That was Gwen, she’s almost ready to go and I’m designated driver. So I’ll be leaving at 10:30,” he explained, half because he felt rude for texting next to Jasper, even though there had been a lull in the conversation, and half in apology to cut short their evening.

“That’s cool,” Jasper replied evenly, not quite hiding a touch of disappointment in his voice. He was graceful about it though. “I’m a night owl but I’m feeling ready to bail too. I’ll hang with you until then?” he asked hopefully.

As if David could possibly turn down even a few more minutes with him. “Of course,” he replied, smiling.

He’d completely forgotten about asking for a phone number and now would’ve been the perfect time, but he just found himself soaking up that last little bit of time together. They talked quietly, worn out from dancing and just the overall noise and energy of the reception. Talking about nothing in particular just to talk, and as much as David loved Jasper’s constant jokes and his fun energy, the low, soft tones of his voice now in the calmer atmosphere was soothing, warm.

A few minutes before he was supposed to meet Gwen, they stood up and started heading for the front, passing through the dwindling reception and into the building where the ceremony had taken place, and finally outside again facing the parking lot. They stopped a short distance away from the doors to be out of the way of people leaving, but still visible to Gwen whenever she arrived.

“Soooo,” Jasper drawled playfully, much like he’d done earlier, scuffing his shoe on the pavement with hands shoved in his pockets, the tie still hanging off to one side.

Even though he’d glanced down when they were dancing, David only just now realized that Jasper was wearing all black sneakers, not dress shoes, and it just… fit him. He made it seem like a perfectly normal thing and not at all out of place for the formal event, and David found it very endearing now that he’d noticed. Dress shirt and pants, sneakers and worn out bracelets, and those piercings… It was all so charming. So Jasper. He came out of his little reverie when the other man continued.

“If you think I’m cool enough, you wanna like… hang out sometime?” Jasper asked, looking up with a hopeful grin.

David smiled back, his heart racing excitedly although a little toned down both from being tired and less nervous around the other man. “Yes, that sounds wonderful.”

“Awesome,” Jasper replied, digging his phone out. “Let me just get set up… okay, number?” he asked, typing the digits as David spoke and saving it into his contacts. He kept typing, clicking his tongue as the glow of his phone lit his face in soft blue. “Wig, here’s me,” he added, just before David’s phone buzzed in his pocket. “So you have mine. Well! Where’s your friend at?”

“I’m… not sure,” David frowned, looking around. He’d seen her from a distance but hadn’t talked to her in some time, and he wasn’t sure if that was intentional on Gwen’s part or not. “She’s only a couple minutes late...” he mused, checking his watch with only a little furrow to his brow.

“I’ll wait with you? Or I can help you look for her if you’re worried,” Jasper offered, sounding a little concerned himself.

“Oh- there she is- Gwen!” David called, waving and catching her attention.

“There you are you bitch,” Gwen greeted as she walked up. “Are you two still just flirting or did you get digits yet?” she demanded, poking David in the chest. She wasn’t slurring but she was definitely drunk, he decided.

“I- we- Gwen-”

“Listen,” she said, turning to Jasper and giving him a deadpan look. “He really likes you, but he’s a fuckin’ mess and I saw you two dancing like forever, so please put me outta my misery and say you two are gonna date or somethin, yeah?”

Jasper stood silently through her tirade, gaze flickering to David, who had a hand over his eyes in mortification. He looked back to Gwen, taking everything in surprisingly easy stride. “Well, hopefully,” he said with a grin, seeing David’s hand drop as the ginger stared at him, wide eyed and blushing. “We did phone numbers and I was planning on asking him out, sooo...” he trailed off, eyes flickering briefly to David with a warm smile.

“Well good!” Gwen insisted, poking Jasper now to emphasize her point. “Cause he’s a weenie and you gotta ask him, otherwise he’ll just be a sad little shit and tell me you don’t like him and whine about how hot you are and how nice your stupid smile is I’ve heard all about it-”

“Okay, Gwen, sweetheart, I think that’s enough please, thank you so much,” David interrupted softly, a little frantic, setting his hands on her shoulders. “How much did you have to drink?” he asked with a frown.

“Daviiid, it’s a fuckin’ wedding, you’re supposed to get plastered,” she complained.

“All the same, I think it’s time we get you home, alright?” he asked, steadying her as she wobbled a little in her heels, the first physical sign that she was feeling the alcohol. Definitely a good time to take her home, both to rest and before she made an unfortunate step in those heels.

“Whatever mom,” she shot back.

“Want a hand?” Jasper asked sympathetically.

“Please,” David replied softly, ducking under one of Gwen’s arms just as she waved her hand dismissively before their new friend could help.

“I can walk David for fuck sake, just gimme a second to get out of these heels from hell-” she grumbled, bending one leg at the knee and hanging onto David as she slipped the shoe off, before repeating with the other and pushing away from him. “Jesus christ, mother hen,” she huffed, holding the shoes by the straps and walking towards the car as the men trailed after her like ducklings.

David trotted ahead a little to unlock and open the passenger door, dutifully allowing Gwen to clamp onto his shoulder as she got into the car, making sure her dress and hands were safely inside before shutting the door. He sighed, straightening up and turning back to Jasper. “Well, thank you, for… everything today,” he said shyly.

“Course, thanks for hangin’ with me,” Jasper replied, holding his hand out.

David blinked, hesitating only briefly before relenting and placing his hand in Jasper’s once more. The other man brought it up and kissed his knuckles, making David flush. If he wasn’t already smitten, the hopeless romantic in him would’ve taken a nose dive off a cliff over that small, but tender gesture. Hell, he had anyway. It was still sinking in that Jasper liked him, wanted to ask him on a date, and he’d momentarily pushed that out of his head while making sure Gwen got to the car okay-

“I had a great time with you,” Jasper said softly, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze and pulling him out of his spiral. “And I really meant it, that I’d like to take you on a date sometime, if that’s cool?” he asked, giving a hopeful look.

David took a shaky breath, smiling. “I’d like that.”

“Rad,” Jasper said, a wide grin lighting up his face.

The torrent of butterflies in his stomach was so strong, and he was so high on cloud nine and a little bit of panic from everything, that before he could overthink it David found himself leaning in and placing a quick kiss on Jasper’s cheek.

Now it was Jasper’s turn to look gobsmacked, as he flushed bright from the action. “Oh, wow, double rad,” he whispered.

David giggled softly, gesturing over his shoulder to the car. “I’d- I’d better get her home.”

“Yeah, yeah, course, take care of Gwen,” Jasper said, releasing David’s hand finally and ruffling his hair nervously, looking a little shell shocked. “Drive safe, yeah?” he grinned, still pink in the cheeks.

“I will, you do the same,” David replied, his smile growing. “Bye Jasp, talk to you soon?”

“Absolute,” Jasper replied, shoving one hand in his pocket and giving a mock salute with the other. “Bye Davey,” he said happily, walking backwards a few paces before whirling around midstep to practically float off to his own car.

David took a deep, steadying breath and let it out slow, unable to keep the silly look off his face as he watched Jasper disappear among the departing guests, his heart still pounding in joy and disbelief...

“Hey!” Gwen barked from inside the car, startling him both with her shout and the loud slap of her palm hitting the window. “Let’s go pinetree, sometime tonight!”

David took one more breath and turned to walk around to the driver’s side, pointedly ignoring Gwen’s rude gesture.

Despite her tendency to get ornery when drunk, Gwen still offered him a playful congratulations on ‘bagging his man’ once they were on the road and heading home. She teased him the whole way about the way they’d been connected at the hip since finding each other, and it confirmed his suspicions that she’d ditched him to give him time alone with Jasper. Why he’d seen her only in passing all night as she seemed to avoid him.

Which was why he was very sincerely thankful this one time to be abandoned by a friend at a social gathering. This thought found him smiling fondly the whole way walking Gwen to her apartment, keeping an arm around her as she fumbled keys out of her purse and unlocked the door. Despite more protests, she allowed herself to be escorted inside and to her bedroom.

David carefully unraveled her hair of it’s pins and twists, got her a glass of water while she changed, and made sure drank at least half of it before bidding her goodnight and leaving, making certain the lights were off and the door was locked on his way out.

Once he was finally home and able to start getting himself ready for bed, his ears rang in the blessed silence after listening to the sounds of the wedding all day. He’d changed and brushed his teeth by the time his phone buzzed, and David was ridiculously elated to see Jasper was already texting him.

J: Hey, sorry for the late text, just wanted to make sure you got home okay and Gwen is good.

D: We’re both fine, thank you. I got her situated and I’m at home now.

J: Cool, good to hear.

D: Thanks again for today, I had a really great time.

J: Yeah totes, me too! I’m really glad the wedding came up cause I thought you were real cute but there’s no smooth way to ask for someone’s number in a changing room without looking like a creep, ya dig?

David giggled softly, flushing.

D: I don’t think I would have minded but I’m glad it worked out how it did. Besides Gwen getting in your face at the end there.

J: No big, she’s cool, outspoken. I like her. Anyway, it’s really late so I’ll leave you alone. Talk to you later?

D: Sounds good. Thanks again, and goodnight.

J: Night!

David let out a happy sigh as he set his phone down, almost unable to believe how lucky he was. He didn’t know what Jasper saw in him, but he wouldn’t argue. He really hadn’t even expected to have that great of a time at the wedding, let alone meet anyone. He’d expected to stay close to Gwen, talk to Deena and Sai and maybe some other people from work the couple had invited. He certainly hadn’t expected to dance with anyone but Gwen.

Then along comes Jasper, looking happy to see him, chatting with him, asking him to dance. He’d never expected someone so fun and handsome to be interested in his dorky self, but Jasper really seemed to like him. He stared at the ceiling of his bedroom in the dark that night, still smiling like an idiot as that sweet but casual kiss to his hand replayed on loop in David’s head, all the while wondering how soon he might see Jasper again.

#camp camp #cc david #cc jasper #cc gwen #jaspvid #ellowrites #i added about 700 words and i should really proofread that part before i post this buuuuut i;m not gonna #gonna post it cross my fingers and bail #enjoy

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novelconcepts · 4 years

Text

prompt from @alominific: a snapshot from FWB ‘verse, in which everybody absolutely, without a doubt, knows what color Jamie’s eyes are

“Dani?”

She raises her head, fingers sliding between the pages of her book to mark her place. “Yeah?”

“Got a weird question for you.” Jamie is leaning against the kitchen counter, frowning at her phone. Dani would best categorize her expression as gently perplexed--not the first time something on the internet has sparked such a look, though the inciting incident could be anything from an odd social media message to a truly bizarre animal photo.

“Shoot,” Dani says, when it becomes apparent Jamie is lost in whatever has plucked up her puzzlement. “Though if it’s about the mating rituals of ducks again, I really don’t think I’m the person--”

“What color are my eyes?”

Not what I expected. “Um. Do you...not know?”

Jamie gesticulates with the phone as though it’s just insulted her family name, shaking her head. “No, look--stop laughing, there’s a goddamn debate raging over on my most recent photo. Which, honestly, how bored do you have to be? Eye color doesn’t spark debate.”

“Evidently, it does.” Dani grins. "Your fan club never ceases finding new ways to stay busy, huh?”

Jamie squints at her. “Are you stalling?”

“No!” Why stall? This is an easy question. Barely a question at all, really. A nice-straightforward-- “Your eyes are definitely--I mean, they’re--”

“You have to look?” Jamie sounds scandalized, squeezing her eyes shut and clapping her free hand over her face for good measure. “Jesus, Dani. You’ve only been starin’ into ‘em for a year.”

“No, it’s not--” Dani flops back in her chair, closing her own eyes and casting back. The memories spill over, neat as Saturday morning: Jamie, grinning from across the table; Jamie, glancing up in the supermarket; Jamie, gazing down at her in bed.

Jamie, whose eyes are definitely, absolutely--

“Blue?” Dani asks hesitantly. Jamie makes an undignified noise.

“That was a question. You just answered a question with a question.”

“Brown,” Dani says, with as much certainty as she can muster. “They’re definitely--”

"Brown?” Jamie sounds vaguely outraged. “You think they’re brown?”

“Well,” Dani says, a bit peevishly, “what color do you think my--”

“Blue.” Jamie doesn’t even wait for her to finish. Her mouth is working, the way it does when she’s trying desperately to hang on to a grumpy mood even as it’s slipping away. “Blue as a fuckin’ summer sky. Blue as the songs say. Blue as--”

“All right! Point made.” Dani leans over the kitchen table, book forgotten, hands reaching hopefully toward Jamie’s hunched frame. “C’mere, let me look. We’ll settle this.”

“Oh, settle it, will we?” Jamie grumbles. “Sure, right, you’re doin’ me a favor.”

Now she’s just being childish. Dani raises an eyebrow.

“Would you say keeping the upper hand in this conversation is more important than sleeping in my bed tonight, or...?”

“Valid.” Tossing herself moodily into the next chair, Jamie shakes the hair from her face, leans in, opens her eyes comically wide. “Right. Settle it, then.”

Dani leans close.

Dani looks.

Dani keeps looking.

“Seriously?” Jamie blinks rapidly, scrubbing a hand across her face. “Practically half a goddamn hour, you still don’t have an answer?”

“They’re--” Dani makes a helpless gesture. “They’re--very pretty.”

“That is not,” Jamie says, clearly fighting a grin now, “what I asked.”

“So pretty,” Dani repeats. “Gorgeous, really. Best eyes I’ve ever--”

“Dani Clayton, do you legitimately not know what color my eyes are?”

“Well, they’re like a--I don’t know, a sunbeam.”

“A sunbeam,” Jamie repeats, like Dani has started speaking French mid-conversation. Dani winces.

“Sure. Beautiful. And, um. Unknowable.”

“This is ridiculous.” Jamie flips her phone in her hand, taps the screen several times. “We’re getting a professional opinion.”

“I’m not a professional opinion?”

“You just told me my eyes are sunbeams. All rights to a career as number one Jamie enthusiast have gone out the door for the foreseeable.” Jamie punches something on the screen and folds her arms on the table as the phone begins to ring.

“So, who are you,” Dani begins, cutting herself off when a voice on the other end of the phone says pleasantly, “Wingrave residence, Mrs. Grose speaking.”

“Hannah,” Jamie sighs. “Dire question for you. What color would you say my eyes are?”

There is, Dani is amused to note, an extremely long beat of silence, after which Hannah’s voice--hesitant, and not the least bit formal now--pipes back up.

“Um...blue?”

“This is ridiculous,” Jamie repeats, sounding as though she has no idea how she’s ended up surrounded by such lunacy. “Ask Flora. Flora will know.”

“You’re outsourcing to the children now?” Dani is mildly insulted.

A scuffling sound, as Hannah covers the phone and calls for the kids. Another, as tiny feet skitter over tile. Breathless, and no less excited for it, Flora’s voice filters through the speaker.

“Jamie!”

“Flora,” Jamie says, narrowing her eyes at Dani with a grim little smile. “Important question for you. What color are my eyes?”

“Well,” Flora’s tiny voice comes back without missing a beat. “They’re definitely not blue--” Jamie makes a vindicated little motion in Dani’s direction at this. “--because Miles has blue eyes. And they’re definitely not brown, because mine are brown.” A pause, as Jamie leans back in her chair and smirks. “I think they’re...green.”

“Green,” Jamie repeats. Dani takes her by the chin, twisting her jaw left and right in an effort to coax the poor kitchen lighting to reveal hidden secrets. “You think so?”

“They’re not,” Dani mouths. Green, she feels, is a very straightforward color. Jamie’s are anything but straightforward.

“Yes,” Flora says with all the certainty of a child who rarely believes herself to be wrong. “Definitely. Except for the days when they’re not.”

“Oh,” says Jamie in a rather distant tone. “Well, clears it right up then, doesn’t it?”

“You’re welcome!”

“Well.” Dani taps the table once. “That’s--who are you calling now?”

Jamie mutters something that sounds just a little too much like last hope for Dani to take seriously. She shakes her head.

“I’m really starting to think--”

“Owen,” Jamie says, hefting the phone to her ear. “Oi. Quick question--no, everything’s fine. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll tell her. Okay. Look, question: you’ve been looking at my face for a while, yeah?” A pause, as Owen ostensibly agrees. “Great. What color are my eyes?”

Dani watches, amused, as the determination slowly drains from Jamie’s face. It is replaced by something very much like defeat, her head slumping onto her arms; by the time she’s saying, “Right. Uh huh. You really think so?”, her face is almost completely barricaded in the sleeve of her flannel.

“He said blue, didn’t he?” Dani asks, when Jamie hangs up and slides her phone so forcefully across the table, it nearly spills onto the floor. “You know, there are many shades of--”

“Gray,” Jamie says into the hollow of her arm. “He seemed very sure they’re gray.”

“Gray is,” Dani says helpfully, “sort of like blue.”

Jamie makes a noise a little like a growl. Dani swallows the impulse to laugh.

“Jamie.”

“Mm.”

“You don’t actually know the answer, do you?”

Jamie raises her head, hilariously morose. “I honestly write a different fuckin’ answer on every form.”

The giggles are going to make it out of her, Dani recognizes; it’s just a matter of fending them off long enough to get Jamie grinning, too. “What, um. What does the fan club have to say about it?”

Without looking, Jamie fumbles for her phone. Takes a deep breath. Flicks it open.

“There is,” she says dryly, “a dead tie between gray, green, and fuck all knows, she’s hot.”

“That settles it, then.” Dani slips out of her chair, resting her chin gently on Jamie’s shoulder. “Next time you have to fill out a form, just write in fuck all, she’s hot, and you’re golden.”

Jamie snorts, dropping the phone and leaning back into the embrace. “Really think they’re pretty, at least?”

“None prettier.”

"Maybe I’ll just start putting that.” Jamie shakes her head. “Prettier than yours. Think that’d go over all right?”

“Think they’d stop arguing the minute they saw your face,” Dani says, and finds herself meaning it with no shame at all. Jamie turns, nuzzling into her hair.

“You’re just saying that to distract from how you defaulted to brown.”

“Okay, literally everyone said a different color, you’re still going to tease me for brown?”

“Dani.” To punctuate the imminent point, Jamie widens her eyes again--as far as she can manage, at least, while dissolving into laughter. “Of all the fuckin’ colors. You picked the one I have never once seen in the mirror.”

“Well, someone wouldn’t let me look.”

Still laughing, Jamie shifts in her seat, catches her around the waist, pulls her down into her lap. “You,” she says fondly, “are the smartest person I know. And, if I’m being honest, the love of my life.”

“And?” Her hands are warm, slipping under Dani’s shirt, her mouth soft on Dani’s neck. It’s almost pleasant enough to forget Jamie is about to say--

“And your observation skills are, and I mean this with boundless affection: non-existent. I mean. Brown?”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Dani takes her face between gentle hands, gazing at her with all the seriousness she can muster. “Let me get this right. Your eyes are...a perfect green-gray-gold-hazel. In this light. Tomorrow, I’ll provide an update out in the sun.”

Jamie’s entire body is shuddering with laughter, her head falling forward until Dani releases and allows her to lean into her collar. “Best stick to pretty, I think.”

“I thought you’d say that. But if you want me to drop a comment tomorrow, resolving the issue once and for--” She cuts herself off with a shriek as Jamie stands abruptly, hoisting her with a sharp motion onto the table. “You’re about to pretend we never had this conversation, aren’t you?”

“Yep,” Jamie says pleasantly, brushing a kiss against her lips. Her hands are sliding up Dani’s thighs, squeezing just hard enough to distract from the issue. “Unless you’d say keeping the upper hand is more important...”

Dani sees no reason to dignify this with a response.

#fanfiction #ficlet #the haunting of bly manor #dani x jamie #damie #AU one-shot #this is possibly the most self-indulgent prompt I've ever filled barring Walking With the Lady #but it was short and sweet and made me laugh so here we are #turns out I really like playing in this 'verse with small plot-light additions. hope everyone's chill with that #it'll be on AO3 too in a sec if that's your jam

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elriell · 4 years

Text

Thank you very much! I find it hard to cut them back and be less detailed to be honest. So let’s dive in to it, two quick points before we start;

There will be no hate here as every ship is valid, I simply going to explain why I believe Elriel is more likely to happen than Elucien. (IMO)

Secondly, if there’s one thing for certain with SJM it is that nothing is certain with her.

Of course like any reader I am nervous for what might happen but looking at it textually speaking I do not think we have much to worry about... Not to mention that if we look at SJM past behaviour we can extrapolate several things.

When Sarah falls in love with a character she is very willing to shift all plans to accommodate them, we have a good example of this with Rowan, once she began writing him she fell in love with him and Chaol was quickly pushed aside. I am sure she has done plenty of interviews saying as much from memory.

SJM Live

- Azriel has a lot of shit going on that we’re going to be able to see in this book.

- Azriel’s song is Mr. Brightside for the vibes. Not necessarily the lyrics. SJM is kinda obsessed with him and telling his story in the future.

- We’re getting to see more of Azriel’s cheeky humor in this one.

- SJM can’t wait to see theories after everyone reads Azriel’s pov. There’s a lot of crumbs that have been scattered around for his journey. [ref]

It is safe to say that in her own words Sarah is obsessed with Azriel, which gives us a good idea about who she wants to write about next. This is the same vibe we got off her when she was introducing Rowan to the TOG universe and I think it is a pretty easy assumption to believe the next book is Elain’s too.

Not to mention SJM is not afraid to shake it up and swap out the LI you think it will be, Chaol/Rowan & Tamlin/Rhysand. It is not far fetched to think she would do the same with Elain and Lucien. Not to mention the idea of such a repetitive story ARC like Mates (after Feysand and Nessian) could easily be avoided by doing something like a rejected-bond or second bond.

I really could not tell you what I think Azriel’s ARC/what he is dealing with is because we have so little information on him all I know is I cannot wait to read it all. He is easily one of my favourite characters, he is so mysterious to us.

I think Elain’s ARC is going to be all about choice. And we know from SJM that you can have more than one mate.

Elain said, her voice breaking. “It means nothing. I don’t care who decided it or why they did—”“You belong to him.”“I belong to no one. But my heart belongs to you.”

“to my sister and the shadowsinger in the garden—“that is what she needs? Is there no free will? What if Lucien wishes the union but she doesn’t?”

As far as I am concerned if you look at all SJM couples from all her books there is always that initial Spark™ and I think that impartially if you look at Elain and Lucien they have not had it at all (bar maybe the moment he scents the bond), Elain is completely disinterested in him. In the bond as a whole.

“if it wasn’t for Vassa.” A twitch of the lips, a spark in that russet eye. “She’s doing well enough. Savoring every second of her temporary freedom.”

Azriel mastered himself enough to say, “Thank you.” I’d never seen his hazel eyes so bright, the hues of green amid the brown and gray like veins of emerald.

See? SPARK, literally and figuratively.

You could even argue that she was you know, really struggling at the time the bond snapped in to place so it wasn’t the time for them but then we are given Azriel as a mirror to the situation and we see despite her troubles she is capable of interacting with someone without disinterest. Can and has been attracted too, can smile and laugh with someone despite being upset over Graysen.

Examples;

“You’re welcome to stay for the night,” I said, since Elain certainly wasn’t going to. Lucien lowered his hands into his lap and leaned back in the armchair. “Thank you, but I have other plans.” I prayed he didn’t catch the slightly relieved glimmer on Elain’s face.”

“Azriel smiled faintly. “Would you like me to show you the garden?” But Elain did not balk from him, did not shy away as she nodded—just once. Azriel, graceful as any courtier, offered her an arm.

“And do what?” “Spend time with her.” “I don’t think she’ll tolerate two minutes alone with me, so forget about two weeks.” His jaw worked as he studied the fire.”

Elain sat silently at one of the wrought-iron tables, a cup of tea before her. Azriel was sprawled on the chaise longue across the gray stones, sunning his wings and reading what looked to be a stack of reports—likely information on the Autumn Court that he planned to present to Rhys once he’d sorted through it all. Already dressed for the Hewn City—the brutal, beautiful armor so at odds with the lovely garden. And my sister sitting within it.

“You as well.” A sidelong glance toward Elain, swift and fleeting. “Both of you.” Elain said nothing, but at least she bowed her head in thanks.”

Azriel and Elain remained in the sitting room, my sister showing him the plans she’d sketched to expand the garden in the back of the town house, using the seeds and tools my family had given her tonight. Whether he cared about such things, I had no idea, but I sent him a silent prayer of thanks for his kindness before Rhys and I slipped upstairs.

“There were only a few presents left—Lucien’s. [...] I handed Elain the small box with her name on it. Her smile faded as she opened it. “Enchanted gloves,” she read from the card. “That won’t tear or become too sweaty while gardening.” She set aside the box without looking at it for longer than a moment. And I wondered if she preferred to have torn and sweaty hands, if the dirt and cuts were proof of her labor. Her joy.”

“He cares for you.” “He doesn’t know me.”

“You don’t give him the chance to even try to do so.” Her mouth tightened, the only sign of anger in her graceful countenance. “I don’t want a mate. I don’t want a male.”

“You are his mate. Do you even know what that means?” “It means nothing,” Elain said, her voice breaking. “It means nothing. I don’t care who decided it or why they did—”“You belong to him.”“I belong to no one. But my heart belongs to you.”

Again like I said, textually when we look at it all together Sarah is not exactly planting the seeds for them at all, now of course there is still time for that to change, and of course we only have a limited perspective but as a reader it doesn’t come across positively. Even if you consider Nessian who have been against each other from the start have had the seeds planted, even as they argued they had tension and emotion.

Sarah has given Elucien so little of anything positive or negative comparitively, it is like the are barely registered.

Not to mention she puts across Azriel as a candidate time and time again, and as a writer you would not do that for nothing.

“She doesn’t need anything,” Azriel answered without so much as looking at Lucien.

“You know them better than I do. But I will say that Lucien is loyal—fiercely so.” “So is Azriel.”

“Why not make them mates?” I mused. “Why Lucien?” “I’d keep that question from Lucien.” “I’m serious.” I turned toward him and crossed my arms. “What decides it? Who decides it?”

“What if”—I jerked my chin toward the window, to my sister and the shadowsinger in the garden—“that is what she needs? Is there no free will? What if Lucien wishes the union but she doesn’t?”

SJM is sowing doubt at every turn. Then to top it off we are introduced to Vassa through Lucien, and now we finally see him have a spark, blush, and speak of her with almost worship as Feyre points out.

“I …” Lucien fumbled for the words. Not out of some lie or excuse, I realized a moment later. Realized when he said, “I’ve been at the Spring Court every now and then. But if I’m not here in Velaris, I’ve mostly been staying with Jurian. And Vassa.”

“Not for long—not if Vassa has anything to do with it.” “You sound like an acolyte.”

Lucien blushed, glancing at Elain. “She’s got a foul temper and a fouler mouth.”

Now, I can understand the belief that Elucien could be endgame but you simply cannot deny that before that Elriel & LucienxVassa is going to have to be explored to a degree.

“Az ran a hand through his dark hair. “Are we …”Unusual for him to stumble with words. “Are we supposed to get the sisters presents?”

We also see both couples paralleled. I mean in all honesty I could go on and on and on, there is so many qoutes that I could add but this will just get longer and longer. I am going to link my full Elriel Analysis, and some other stuff about them and rejecting the bond below.

As for our fox boy Lucien!

I really like him, and I do feel like he has a very interesting journey ahead, between his true paternity, Vassa and the mating bond he has a lot coming up for him. I am excited to see where the band of exhiles might take us, despite Feyre’s mockery I am excited that after so long of not belonging anywhere he may have found people to call his own.

Look if Elucien happens after a genuine build up, I will be happy to read their journey, of course I will be very disappointed for Elriel because I truly believe they are the best fit but I am not against Elucien if anything I think Sarah is, more than anyone else.

Like I said I could go on for years, and honestly in 9 days hopefully we have a better idea of the future to base our opinions on.

I am tagging this Anti-Elucien, not that I feel it is but I don’t want Elucien shippers to have to see it, so if they blacklist the tag the can avoid the negativity ❤︎

[Elriel Meta] [Elriel Kindred Spirits] [Elriel Choice 1 & 2] [Garden] [Thoughts]

#elriel #acofs #acotar #elain archeron #azriel #elriel discussion #anti elucien #a court of wings and ruin #a court of mist and fury #a court of thorns and roses #a court of silver flames #meta #elriel meta #anti-elucien

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clockworknightmares · 3 years

Text

The Gift

I’ve had the ideas of this fumbling around in my drafts for a long time now and I finally finished it. I’m glad I waited thought because I had time to think long and hard about the way in which Rowena acquired Dray and what that might look like. This is from Vys’ POV, however I might write Dray’s POV at some point too.

Tw for “it” as pronouns, dehumanization, slavery, blood, muzzles, drugged whumpee (only briefly mentioned).

“That one.”

Vysthrain’s gaze follows to where Rowena’s finger is pointing. “That one? You can’t be serious, your Majesty. That one is- looks unremarkable. If- if I may be so bold.” He catches himself at the last moment. It never bodes well to contradict the Empress. He glances at her, gauging her reaction to his blunder. However- his opinion stands. The bloodied… boy in the arena below looks one more hit away from his demise.

Rowena laughs, a melodic sound with an edge that sends a shiver curling down Vys’ spine. She doesn’t seem bothered at his difference of opinion. “Ostra Ailmer doesn’t know what he has.”

“But you do.” It’s a statement, not a question. He can see the cogs in her head turning, that slight twitch of her lips when she’s thinking. More like scheming, his brain provides unhelpfully.

“That I do.” She keeps her eyes trained on the man in the arena as he runs his opponent through with the short spear he wields in his hand. It’s clearly not his weapon of choice, but he’s making it work. “You see, that is a half dragon.”

Vys snorts and plucks a grape from the bunch on the table next to them. Her majesty seems to be in a light mood, a mood in which he is allowed to converse freely. Within reason. “A half dragon. I think you have had one too many glasses, your Majesty. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as male halfbreed dragons.” He pops the firm grape into his mouth and rolls it around on his tongue. “Besides, if there was, surely they would be more… impressing.” He keeps his eyes on her and away from the blood splattered sand below.

“And that’s where you’re wrong.” Rowena sits back and smiles to herself. “You see, it’s not that there’s no such thing, it’s that they’re incredibly rare, almost unheard of and Ostra Ailmer doesn’t know just how valuable that possession is.” Her eyes narrow as she turns her attention to watching again, fingers steepled in the way she does when she’s thinking. Vys recognizes the look as that dark shimmering greed of hers. He’s seen it a few times- and knows if it’s something she truly desires, nothing will stop her until it’s in her possession.

“And you’re going to get it, how exactly? Whether he knows what he has or not, Ailmer won’t give up a winning fighter easily.” Because- despite all odds, they were currently naming the object of Rowena’s attention the winner.

She leans over and pats his cheek like he’s a child asking a silly question. “Vys dear, when have I ever not found a way to get what I want?” It’s a rhetorical question. One that doesn’t even warrant an answer. He knows very well she has her ways. Even as Empress she can not simply demand what she wants, but there are ways.

“Sounds like you are already coming up with a wonderful plan, your Majesty.” He leans into her touch, as he knows she likes and gives her an easy smile. The heat of the day is not so unbearable to him in this moment. “Is there anything I may do to assist you in it?” If she becomes infatuated with some new object, will he be forgotten? He will never let that happen.

“Perhaps”, she says, idly watching the guards half guide, half drag the winner out of the arena. “However there might be no need for any form of coercion.” She gives him another smile. He knows all her smiles by now. This one is self satisfaction, security in her own plans, and just a hint of mirth. “My birthday will be arriving soon. And with it- gifts.”

…

There are such practices in court, that on the ruling monarch’s day of birth, they host many grand parties leading up to the day. These days are important as they allow the mingling of many Ostri and other important personages, officials and relatives, ambassadors and priestesses. It is the time to make important connections, vie for favors and with the right maneuvering, raise your position in court and the eyes of the Empress. A very difficult thing to do indeed.

It is one of the busiest times of Vys’ year, being both companion and spy for the Empress. Her eyes and ears in court, as she must keep herself from mingling too much. He knows Rowena keeps him to herself, not only because he owes her his life, his very existence, but also because he is invisible and they both know it. He is fae, lesser. And therefore apparently- deaf and blind.

The festivities begin several weeks before the actual day, plenty of time for Vys to worm his way into many circles, sometimes through rather unpleasant means. But if it solidifies his usefulness, his position in Rowena’s eyes- He will give all he has. He may not have need to coerce Ailmer into giving up this new arena rat, but the Ostra might need a nudge in the right direction.

The first time he makes contact with Ostra Ailmer is at a social gathering of the more relaxed nature and the man in question- appearing to have had one too many of the overflowing cups of wine, was in the perfect condition for Vys to begin his plan. The air is warm and thick, cloying in only the way that incense and perfumes bring in small spaces. Vys was more than happy to keep the Ostra’s cup full, hang on his arm, whisper the seeds of Rowena’s desire into this man’s ear.

“The Empress is very fond of the sport”, he says silkily, gliding his fingers along the man’s arm.

“Indeed, so they say”, the Ostra replies, twisting the sheer fabric of Vys’ shirt around his fingers. They are pressed close in some low, overstuffed seat, no other ears around.

“I have heard such wonderful things about your champions though. Some say a stock even to rival hers.” The flattery was working, Vys can tell. This man, wrapped up so much in his own self importance, wouldn’t notice a trap until it was too late for him.

“But of course. My lot is the best in all of Athyx Cyreos. I import you know. Better than pulling from the same pools that seem to go around here.”

“Have you ever found anything...extraordinary in your imports?” Vys knows he has to be careful in his words, Ostra Ailmer must never know what he has.

“I do believe I’ve found a champion, a survivor. Not much to look at of course, I did not think it would make it past initial training, but it has done surprisingly well for itself. That is- hasn’t died on me yet.” He laughs, an ear grating thing, and somehow Vys finds it difficult to laugh along with him.

“You know, I have heard some gossip about what the queen desires for her gifts this year, you seem like the type of man that would do well in her court, one I would enjoy seeing around more often.” Vys trails his long fingers down the row of tiny buttons that make up the front of the Ostra’s tunic.

That gets the man’s attention. Vysthrain, however not known to be the Empress' ear, is certainly known as a permanent fixture of the court and Her Majesty’s upper circles. He has access most Ostri can only ever dream of. The gossip of the upper circles is as close to facts as he will ever get. And the gift presented to the Empress has a direct effect on the status and placement you can hope to achieve that year. A gift well received means favors and power. A gift ill-suited to her Majesty’s desires can bring shame and loss of influence.

“You say the Empress might have desire for some of my imports?” Ailmer says, sitting up and glancing around to see if any stray eyes and ears are on them. There are none, save those soaking in his every reaction to take straight back to Rowena. “Tell me fae, what you know of this.”

“Well, you never heard it from me”, Vys says, pulling the Ostra back down to be seated. “But she does have an eye for the unique. Something… different from what others have. She is our Empress after all.” How many more hints must he drop before this man gets it through his wine-addled head? Then again, Rowena had said that Ostra Ailmer did not know what he had.

“She wants a strong champion, one to win for her?” Ailmer asks, missing the point entirely.

“No-” he starts, nearly frustrated but stops. He’s better than this. “No, I have heard the Empress desires it to be nothing, so that she may turn it into something” He recalls the image of the bloodstained boy in the arena. It had won, but barely. There was certainly nothing there, but that was the appeal for Rowena. She likes to rub her victories into her opponents faces.

“I- I will take this information into account. It has been… most helpful.”

Vys gave a lazy grin and stroked the line of the Ostra’s jaw. “I am most pleased to be of assistance to you. In any way that I can.”

…

With the Empress’ desire secured, or at least he prays it is, Vys leans back into his job of attending every gathering, rooting out every gossip, avoiding those few people he knows better than to tangle with. The day of Rowena’s birth arrives, and with it, the gifts and delicacies and flatteries that never seem to cease. He can tell that she soaks it all in, but with a scrutiny in her eye that he knows sees through the genuine devotion and the false praise. Vys knows most of it is fake, simply a vie for attention and power. But so must it be, it is their way.

She has become fixated in these weeks, wondering more often than not if she can simply buy the thing she wants. But Vys reassures her that letting this be gifted could lead to an established connection with the Ostra and his imports and also the ability to show him up, simply giving away something so valuable (according to Rowena). Vys knows not of dragons and their worth, but it does seem to be a point of fascination with Her Majesty.

So it is of no surprise to him when she awaits this moment with a form of anticipation, not shown on her face, but in the way she sits up straighter, leans forward slightly, jeweled claws tapping slightly on the arm of her throne. She is raised a good deal above the court, stairs to a platform where her council and inner circle have their places, then still more stairs to her. The Ostri are allowed to ascend to the first platform to present their gifts.

Vys lingers there, keeping an eye on them, watching and mentally recording their gifts. The Empress allows him at her side, near the throne to be at her call, so he often moves between, catching a whisper from her in his ear, making (slightly) judgmental comments about persons of the court. He has not succeeded in making her laugh on her throne, but wonders what would happen if he did. She would either find it extremely amusing or highly punishable. He fears the latter, so he keeps his tone even, with the dry humor he knows she is fond of.

There are many people in court today, many gifts being presented. But Vys knows that Rowena waits for only one. When Ostra Ailmer approaches, she straightens ever so slightly and pulls on her look of disinterest.

Vys tunes out most of the scraping and bowing and presenting, instead peering around for the thing that Rowena continues to fixate on. His heart begins to beat quicker when he doesn’t see it. If Rowena doesn't get it today, she is going to be most displeased. Particularly with him.

“And what have you brought for me today, Ostra Ailmer”, he hears Rowena say, clear and strong. She knows how to project her voice if nothing else.

“Your Majesty, I know you hold a great love of sport and pride yourself in having only the best in the arena. Your choices are always unique and with great might. I myself am in the humble occupation of procuring such items. Yet it has come to my attention that you wish for something to craft yourself, mould to your desires. And I hope that on this day, I can present you with such a thing.”

Vys finds himself holding his breath. If what Ailmer procured is not-

The two guards that flank the Ostra part and Vys realizes why he hadn’t been able to see it, dwarfed by Ailmer’s guards of imposing size. Vys looks it over, and feels Rowena next to him doing the same. It was a rather dismal-looking individual with two short horns curling from a shaved head, hands chained in front connected to a thick collar around its neck, a muzzle strapped tightly against its face, clothed only from the waist down. They have it shackled at the ankles, barefoot. Ailmer obviously had tried to clean it up, but the traces of freshly healed wounds are still evident across its body. It keeps its head low, its eyes on the ground. Ailmer has been able to train it that much at least.

The light catches in a glint on something at its chest, and Vys tries to get a closer look before realizing the room has fallen into silence and Ostra Ailmer has paled to the point of looking a rather sickly grey.

It has been several long moments and Rowena has still not given an indication on whether or not the gift was worthy. She too- as Vys has been- is studying the thing before her, lost in thought. It made sense to Vys, of course. They had been discussing this moment for weeks now, but he realized to the rest of the court and especially to Ostra Ailmer in hindsight, this appeared to be a very poor excuse for a gift. It was a single worthless looking thing. It was not as if Ailmer was offering the Empress his best champion. No. This was some untrained waif that he had drug up from who knows where.

“Y-your your Majesty, I-” Ostra Ailmer begins, quaking in his boots, and cuts himself off sharply with an undignified squeak as Rowena stands from her throne.

A sickening hush fell across the entire court. Even Vys, who knew that this was the gift Rowena desired, felt his breath catch in his throat. She never stood. She never walked down the steps.

Ailmer and his guards bow low, dropping to their knees and not daring to look up at her face. Her inner circle even bows their heads, backing away to give her space as she descends. Only Vys watches as she comes to the bottom of the stairs, in front of the thing in chains who is neither bowing, nor trying to move away from her. Vys thinks he hears Ailmer whimper.

Rowena’s dress pools at her feet, many lengths of dark red fabric like a waterfall of blood behind her.

A single gold clawed fingertip reaches out and catches underneath the thing’s muzzle, tipping it’s face up to meet her gaze. It’s eyes lock to hers, blue against gold, unblinking.

Vys isn't sure how long they stay that way, the oppressive silence across the vast room, the shivering Ostra at the Empress’ feet before she tugs the gift a step forward by the chain connected to the collar and cuffs.

“Ostra Ailmer”, she says, voice ringing loudly. Vys’ ears burn from the noise after so much deafening quiet. “Your gift is accepted.”

A general murmur comes over the entire court, first nervous tittering, then a few polite claps, then the court quickly recovers, returning to the claps and cheers of normal.

Ostra Ailmer looks as if his ghost has already taken leave of his body and ascended to the Mother.

“T-thank you your Majesty”, he whispers, not quite all there as his guards help him down the stairs. Vys has to try and not smile at the sight. The man will recover with time and most likely prosper well from this happenstance, but he will never forget this moment where he believed himself to be seconds from seeing his ancestors.

Vys watches one of the Empress’ personal guards approach as if to remove her new gift further behind scenes, but she waves them away with a subtle flick of her wrist, and ascends the stairs to her throne, chained gift in tow, stopping only once again seated as if nothing had happened.

Vys shoots a look across her to where she’s pushed it down next to her throne on the opposite side, golden claws slowly scraping across its shorn scalp. He meets its eyes for a moment, a cloudy blue, not quite there look. He recognizes the cloudiness. Ailmer must have had it drugged before bringing it into a room full of high profile individuals. Smart.

The look doesn't last long, as it turns its gaze and head downward. But there had been something in those eyes that didn’t settle him. A slight shudder rippled through his shoulders and he returned his attention to the remainder of the presentation.

Rowena had another smile on her face, one that he knew very well to be only one thing.

Victory.

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tossawary · 4 years

Text

Chapter 24: “Seeing is Believing” of “pride is not the word I’m looking for” random favorite lines and commentary. Not a full list or full commentary, but longer commentary than usual to talk about quest construction.

AN: This was... a weird chapter to write. When I started outlining, I had... the conversation with Shen Qingqiu planned... the conversation with Shen Yuan planned... the fact that SQH, SY, LQG, and LFL was the quest party... and the fact that they get the Eye at the end of it. That was everything.

The entire rest of this chapter came together FRIDAY LAST WEEK.

Huan Hua Palace wasn’t going to be there. The Weeper didn’t exist. The Eye or its previous owner wasn’t at all connected to the Garden Master. The Shadow Cave Wolf Spiders didn’t exist. The murder plant didn’t exist. The mysterious monster showing up at the end wasn’t originally planned either.

I mean, I had a lot of pre-existing plot threads to tie in and weave with, but ohhh boy! Picture someone lying facedown on a floor like, “I forgot to plan the contents of the super important quest...”

I was originally going to have the Eye quest a lot simpler, but given the weight “Death of the Author” had when I finally reached this part of the story, that wasn’t really going to do! It had to be bigger than that! It needed oomph! This also felt like a good opportunity to really establish the new SQH-SY dynamic. To explore SY fumbling to find a place in this world without strict character role, especially in relation to settled and well-supported SQH.

“One attempts to remain dignified,” Shen Qingqiu agrees. “As there is little point in kicking and screaming about how such ignobility isn’t fair.”

“Ha! Is there ever?”

“Not in my experience.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely not cute when I do it,” Shang Qinghua jokes.

Shen Qingqiu’s lips actually twitch at that.

Success?!

AN: I wasn’t going into this fic with the intention of writing any Shang Qinghua and Original Shen Qingqiu almost friendship! But it started developing and it seemed a shame not to explore Shang Qinghua developing a real relationship with Shen Qingqiu (though not a particularly close one) when the man is suppose to be the scum villain (and the readers know that the man might get replaced by Shen Yuan).

I can see myself writing more Shang Qinghua and Original Shen Qingqiu content in the future. Someone dropped a particularly nice prompt for them in my inbox that I’m looking forward to exploring at some point.

(I mean, not to say that Shang Qinghua has a type, but Shang Qinghua has a type and it’s handsome, deadly, intimidating, frosty men with a villainous character design and trust/abandonment and communication issues. I could make it work.)

“Ah, well, two ‘ideal’ situations come to mind: severing the personal relationship for good… or, ah, talking about how to do better and trying that. You don’t have to forget or even forgive if you don’t want to! But, ah… there’s got to be a difference between totally swallowing your anger and cutting ties forever, right?” Shang Qinghua says awkwardly. “If there’s… ever going to be anything good afterwards…”

Shen Qingqiu stares at him for a sweat-inducing length of time.

“Ah, fuck,” Shang Qinghua thinks.

“Sorry,” he says. “Ahhh, I’m just… thinking about something someone told me… in… in regards to some of my own problems. Never mind! Never mind!”

AN: Luo Jiahui really is out here making Moshang and Qijiu get their fucking act together just by setting a better example.

“Shizun, my apologies for the interruption, but I came to ask Shizun if he would be willing to join our music lesson today? The disciples have missed his playing and are eager to present their improvements.”

“...Very well, unless anyone here would disagree…?” Shen Qingqiu looks directly at the Qian Cao Peak cultivator, as though daring her to object and die.

“It’s an excellent suggestion!” the Qian Cao Peak cultivator says quickly.

The young woman smiles. “And perhaps Shizun could sit in on the calligraphy lesson afterwards? In order to offer his opinion on my progress as a teacher?”

“Fishing for compliments is unbecoming,” Shen Qingqiu says dryly.

“Wait, what?” Shang Qinghua thinks.

AN: So, this has all been happening in the background, but Shen Qingqiu accepted this House of Rejuvenation woman onto his Peak about... 6-ish years ago now? This is kind of meant to parallel Shang Qinghua’s once-secret relationship with Luo Jiahui.

Shang Qinghua was out here trying to be a better person and Shen Qingqiu noticed; now Shen Qingqiu has his own positive (platonic) relationship with a nameless background character who was meant to die for plot reasons. What a thing, huh? If the story was saved because Shang Qinghua started a domino effect of saving random people who went on to change things?

After all, as Shang Qinghua said to the kid, besides Peerless Cucumber’s apparent talent for cultivation, he knows that his fellow transmigrator has three very important skills that will serve him well on An Ding Peak! 1) An encyclopedia knowledge for even seemingly pointless bullshit (which is kind of flattering, honestly). 2) The willingness to fight total strangers over seemingly pointless bullshit. And 3) a sharp enough tongue to win.

Peerless Cucumber didn’t find these points as funny as Shang Qinghua did.

AN: Shen Yuan was always going to end up on An Ding Peak. I thought about sending him to Qing Jing or Qian Cao or Qiong Ding... or any other Peak... but that would take him too far away from Shang Qinghua to really explore their relationship and to move him around conveniently in the story. And SY sticking to An Ding seemed to best illustrate the fact that SY is lost and doesn’t know what to do except cling to SQH.

“It’s not much, sure, but it’s yours,” Shang Qinghua says finally. “You’ll be joining the talisman classes soon, so don’t try anything from a book and then need to request some home repairs.”

Peerless Cucumber nods and puts his stack of manuals down on the table.

“How’s your tutorial mission going?”

“Fine,” the kid says shortly. “Have you found anything for the other one yet?”

“Ah, not yet.”

AN: “Are you winning, son?” meme energy here.

Ah, now Shang Qinghua recognizes his fellow transmigrator’s expression! That’s the same stunned expression one of his Huan Hua not-disciples, Yu Chaonan, made upon meeting the Bai Zhan Peak War God for the first time. Shang Qinghua assumes that Peerless Cucumber was expecting a man who looked more like a musclebound giant and less like a pop idol (if one with amazingly muscular arms), which is a super common and never-not-funny misconception people have about Liu Qingge.

“Brother of one of the most beautiful women in this world, bro,” Shang Qinghua reminds his fellow transmigrator, amused. Aha! Now Peerless Cucumber’s vehement disinterest in the harem stuff is making even more sense than before!

Shang Qinghua’s assumption gets 100% confirmed when it comes time for Peerless Cucumber to fly with Liu Qingge for the next leg of the journey. The other transmigrator is so embarrassed and awkward about it that Shang Qinghua’s super direct brother-in-law asks if the young man is alright.

AN: This was so fun to write. Shang Qinghua really can use the Liu siblings to gauge people’s sexual/romantic orientation.

The map (or rather, the copy Shang Qinghua made of the delicate original map) takes them to a green and grey landscape of leafy trees crawling over a wide network of tall cliffs and deep gorges. Gurgling rivers cut through twisting rock formations. Shang Qinghua can’t see any of these rivers on the map. Or these deathly drop ravines. From the outside, the whole thing looks like a natural maze (holy shit, there could be so many monsters and death-traps in there!), and Shang Qinghua would know those golden robes flying low over the hanging trees anywhere.

“Huan Hua,” Liu Qingge mutters.

“Do you think they’re looking for what we’re looking for?” Luo Fanli asks.

“That’s usually how it goes,” Peerless Cucumber says, before Shang Qinghua can.

AN: I came up with the skeleton idea first. Then I was like... “I should give it three eyes.” And then I was like... “But who IS this dead author? A god? A spirit? What grander implications am I spinning here?”

And THEN I remembered that I had some ambiguous powerful being force the Garden Master into exile due to a flood. This was because, in the Epic of Gilgamesh, the immortal man Gilgamesh meets in the abyss is the survivor of a great flood. So I was like, “Reduce! Re-use! Recycle! There’s my skeleton!”

So I wanted to relate the skeleton to water because of the flood angle. Water as a symbol of cleansing/reincarnation is a big thing throughout many cultures. I can’t remember exactly how the crying aspect came up, but I knew there was going to be water in the temple now, so at some point my brain like was, “Bro, this skeleton should totally be crying because mythology vibes.”

So I built the surrounding land off the idea that there was water flowing from or around this temple. At this point, I had decided that Huan Hua Palace should also be looking for this artifact, so I had to come up with a way to hide the temple, yet have a way for SQH’s party to track it down.

The damage to the doors is worse: someone once upon a time collapsed a part of the cliff face around the entrance, essentially leaving only the top fourth of the utterly smashed stone doors visible. It’s a wall now and has been for ages. It looks like it would take days to dig through the rubble. Someone has even super helpfully carved, “These doors will never open again,” just above the wreck.

“Guess we’ll have to go in as intruders rather than guests!” Luo Fanli says.

“What would be welcoming us inside a lost temple exactly?” Shang Qinghua asks vaguely, inwardly cursing the fact that explosive mining techniques will definitely attract the Huan Hua Palace Sect cultivators’ attention and also probably collapse the whole cliff on them.

“We only have to clear a passage for us, not the whole door,” Peerless Cucumber says optimistically. “Is there a special technique for this kind of thing?”

“Aha, not really.”

“Oh.”

“Why don’t we just keep following the water?” Luo Fanli says.

“...How so?” Shang Qinghua asks.

“Some of those waterfalls could be passages inside,” Liu Qingge explains, because he and the little sister-in-law apparently share the same brain. He’s already eyeing the waterfall wearing down the giant statue on the left.

AN: Temples in quests need to have traps and obstacles and monsters! Well, not ALL of the did, but this one did. I based the obstacles they faced as much as I could around the whole “Death of the Author” theme, while using this whole quest to explore Shen Yuan, Shen Yuan and Shang Qinghua, Shang Qinghua and Liu Qingge and Luo Fanli, and so on.

The idea here with the door is that the “author” is not going to let them inside the temple to take the interpretation of the narrative (the Eye) for themselves. The story is over (the temple is closed for business)! The author is dead! If they want to get inside, they have to break inside or slip inside as intruders.

This also creates a convenient obstacle to hold up the Huan Hua Palace Sect cultivators so that our party can be nearly caught later! And shows off Shang Qinghua, Liu Qingge, and Luo Fanli’s twisty lines of thinking.

Luo Fanli is holding the light and Shang Qinghua passes the other transmigrator to her, while accepting Liu Qingge’s hand for help getting out of the water.

“Ahhh, that was fun,” Shang Qinghua mutters.

Then he notices that Liu Qingge has the Cheng Luan sword out and ready. Shang Qinghua looks through the surrounding darkness, but all he can see are columns and water. For a moment, he thinks he sees something, a prowling shadow at the other end of the cavernous room, but he wipes the water out of his eyes and it’s gone.

AN: The water in Shang Qinghua’s eyes briefly lets him see a flash of the invisible monsters who show up later! It helps up the tension.

Another low growl rips through the darkness and Peerless Cucumber shuffles a little closer to Shang Qinghua. Because that sounded really fucking close and yet Shang Qinghua still can’t see the thing that’s making that sound.

He doesn’t see Liu Qingge lunge at him either. He only feels his brother-in-law shove him into Peerless Cucumber, knocking them into the water, out of the way of something that howls when Liu Qingge slashes at it with his sword. Shang Qinghua rolls off Peerless Cucumber and looks up just in time to see dark blood splatter across the watery floor. Liu Qingge pursues the attacker with a second slash, but only seems to meet thin air this time.

“It’s invisible!” Luo Fanli cries. “Fuck!”

“Behind you!” Liu Qingge snaps, and spins to slash at the thin air beside him. Dark droplets of blood hit the water again and something hisses at him.

Luo Fanli whirls and slashes, searching for an opponent.

“They’re reflected in the water!” Liu Qingge yells at her, standing guard over Shang Qinghua as he gets to his feet again. “Listen for their footsteps and vocalizations! Feel the demonic energy and air displacement!”

AN: I got this from a list of Dungeons and Dragons puzzles. The idea is that there’s some puzzle that must be solved, but the truth of the room can only be seen in the reflection of the nearby water (or mirror or whatever).

Which felt fitting for a “Death of the Author” quest! Whatever an author’s intentions, the story is what they actually wrote, so the audience interprets a text without the context of the author’s insight. The truth (of the story) is in the reflection (audience interpretation)! It felt like a fun idea.

It also allows Shen Yuan to actually contribute to the quest via monster lore and bring up his impaired vision problem. And to confront Shen Yuan with the reality of this world. And to show off Luo Fanli’s fighting skills. And to show off LIU QINGGE’S legendary fighting skills, instincts as a warrior who fights many dangerous beasts, and the fact that he’s clever and observant!

Liu Qingge is good at what he does! And this is what he does!

Someone has… angrily… or desperately… carved a lopsided message into the wall.

“‘If I go blind, so does the world,’” Peerless Cucumber reads.

“...That’s probably not good,” Shang Qinghua says.

“Nooo…” Fanli agrees.

The messages continue as they climb, carved into the walls, the ceilings, the floors. Most of it is illegible. Some of it is just nonsense. Some of it looks like the same kind of historical records carved into the broken tablets. Some of it looks like someone attacked the walls after reading what was written there. There are deep gouges in the walls and cracked marks that would match a giant’s hands.

“‘The water cleans the lies,’” Peerless Cucumber reads. “‘I am the only one who can see.’ ‘Lies everywhere, lies everywhere, lies everywhere.’ ‘The water cleans the evil.’ ‘I do not have enough tears.’ ‘Everything is nothing now. Everything in vain.’”

“You really don’t need to read them!” Shang Qinghua tells the kid. “It’s fine. It's totally fine.”

AN: This is mostly here to up the tension, but it’s also here to try and give insight into this being and relate them more to the “Death of the Author” and the “Seeing is Believing” themes.

I also saw the phrase “If I go blind, so does the world” while I was browsing a list of riddles for D&D campaigns and I was like, “THAT’S SICK, I’M USING THAT.” Really brings the “an eye for an eye” and vengeance vibes. (The riddle was longer than that one phrase, but the answer was “the sun”.)

The top of the temple reveals one massive room that looks like someone was alternatively scratching their insanity into the walls and tearing chunks out of the interior design with their bare hands. Overtop of the rubble is that eerie overgrowth. There’s a fine layer of water over the floor. At the center of it all is an incredibly enormous desk, cracked in half, with a robed skeleton sitting behind it, slumped over the top. It’s a little too large to be an ordinary human.

Plus, its skull is a little too long, probably to accommodate the third eye socket in the forehead. There’s something gleaming softly yellow in the third eye socket.

“Is… there water dripping from its eyes?” Luo Fanli whispers.

“It looks like it…” Peerless Cucumber whispers back. “Like it's crying…?”

“Still…? Is it dead or not?”

“Holy shit,” Shang Qinghua thinks, slightly nauseated. “System, bro, the worst bro I’ve ever known, tell me that we have not been swimming in a three-eyed skeleton’s magical undead tears or something this whole time.”

The shitty, no-good System stays unsurprisingly silent.

AN: Okay, so the idea here is that this being was someone who recorded history and shared their knowledge freely. This being had the ability to discern the truth of a person - they were extremely perceptive. (The Weeper is either female or doesn’t have a gender, by the way.)

The Weeper met the Garden Master at some point. The Garden Master was an asshole, a liar, arrogant, etc.. The Weeper and the Garden Master clashed badly, until the Weeper sent the cleansing flood that nearly destroyed the sect and the Garden Master essentially had to flee to a personal abyss.

The Garden Master sent the plant as a final “fuck you” to the Weeper. The plant caused the Weeper to slowly go mad. The smashed tablets and destroyed temple are the Weeper’s work. The Weeper (not in a great state of mind) had the temple closed themselves once they realized they and their work had been corrupted. This was a “you destroy my (embellished) reputation, I destroy yours (and your entire life)” plot by the Garden Master.

The idea behind the tears is the whole “water is cleansing” thing. The Weeper tried to clean away the madness using their magical water-related abilities... and it actually worked for a long time. But eventually the madness began to overpower the effects of the magical water. The Weeper’s tears are from frustration and helplessness at losing control.

The water inside the temple combats the plant’s physical effects. Also stabbing the root killed the plant and essentially broke its mental/spiritual powers.

Unfortunately, to get the fuck out of here, they have to go back through the temple. But hey! That’s still a lot better than an extended hike through an underground, haunted desert in darkness! The battle with the now-dead plant caused its growth to writhe around the temple. The vines need to be hacked through sometimes as they travel down through the rooms of broken shelves and shattered tablets.

“So much history lost…” Peerless Cucumber murmurs.

“He still thinks of himself as a reader - an observer, a visitor, separate from the flow of fate.”

AN: This is... absolutely based on the Heart from the Dishonored franchise. But this sort of item didn’t originate with Dishonored and I need it! It’s a surprise/mystery tool that will help us later!

The Eye isn’t exactly a mind-reading object. I mean, it kind of is, but it works in a very specific way that I’m looking forward to getting into.

From there, their path back out of the natural maze is even more careful and stressful than before, now that the Huan Hua Palace Sect cultivators are actively looking for them rather than the temple. It’s slow-going and stressful and silent, except for when the Weeper’s Eye presses too close against his chest.

“He is afraid that if he starts screaming, he will never stop,” it tells him, when he’s looking at a pale-faced Peerless Cucumber, as they fly over a particularly deathly-looking drop.

“Oh, me too, bro!” Shang Qinghua thinks. “Seriously! Tell me something I don’t know!”

AN: Having Shang Qinghua be totally unimpressed by an object like this was very funny to me. He’s the author! He’s a transmigrator! He knows these people well! He already has insight into their situations.

Shang Qinghua groans, but supposes that Peerless Cucumber would have at least been disguising Liu Qingge from the back. “You tell them that you were tracking thieves who stole something from Cang Qiong Mountain Sect,” he says quickly. “Rule of embarrassment! Admitting something that makes us look bad to a rival makes it sound true. Don’t tell them what was stolen and act really offended if they try to poke into Cang Qiong business. I’ll come back as soon as I get these two out!”

Liu Qingge nods and launches forward into the fight.

“We’re just leaving him?” Peerless Cucumber says, as they do exactly that.

“I’ll get changed and come back ‘looking for him for urgent sect business’ as soon as I’ve dropped you two off in the last town,” Shang Qinghua says. “I’m really good at acting stressed and confused, and at desperately needing an unstoppable wandering Liu Qingge back at Cang Qiong Mountain Sect immediately. Now let’s go! Let’s go! Mission isn’t over yet!”

AN: Shang Qinghua is, at heart, a liar. I love him.

#tossawary updates #tossawary svsss #pride is not the word #tossawary commentary

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lit-in-thy-heart · 3 years

Note

If you want to! Mergwaine and tackle hug (romantic or platonic). Idk Gwaine is just the type and it’d be so cute. Maybe after they’ve been reunited??? Or not whatever works 💗

@rainbowvamp thank you for the prompt!! 💕 i took a couple of liberties in that it's a tackle and a hug, i hope that's alright, and i'm sorry about the tone, they just seem to be getting angstier and angstier...

(set a few days after camlann)

as usual, under the cut, and thank you again!!

Whilst the rest of the court marvelled at Gwaine’s miraculously hasty recovery, Gwaine was embracing his newly-discovered invincibility by patrolling the Darkling Woods alone.

He had been clinging to life by a thread, but even in his deadened state he had recognised the hands that had slowly coaxed his body back to consciousness. Instinctively, Gwaine’s own hand jumped to his chest, where he had felt Merlin’s fingers brush against his skin. He wasn’t sure if he’d called out his name, if they’d even spoken, or quite what Merlin had done to him, but Gwaine had been able to sit up after a day and Merlin had been gone.

Healing spells had never been Merlin’s strong suit and Gwaine knew that they were capable of draining every last trace of a skittish pulse if the healer was already weakened. And Merlin would be weakened after watching Arthur die, that Gwaine knew all too well. And Gwaine couldn’t lose Merlin, not after everything that had happened. Particularly not as a result of Merlin reversing Morgana’s damage.

Gwaine pushed through the branches, tucking his hair behind his ear and pausing for a moment by a large oak tree. His fingers fumbled for the knots on the trunk as his legs threatened to crumble beneath him, seeking out the letters carved into the wood. It had been a ridiculous idea, and childish at that, but that hadn’t stopped him from leaving the scar of his initials interlinked with that of Merlin’s in the soft sunset so many years before. Severing himself from the tree as the strength returned to him in gradual waves, Gwaine moved further into the woods, plunging into the translucent darkness left by the shadows of the sun as the leaves above him obscured its path. He and Merlin had grown apart over the last year, and Gwaine had been trying his best to not let it show just how desperately his feet were treading water beneath the surface in the effort to keep their relationship afloat. Merlin had not left his side for a week after Gwaine had returned from Morgana’s clutches with Percival, but he had been paying more and more attention to Arthur and his well being, which Gwaine had attempted to apply logic to. It had made sense that Merlin was focused on Arthur, particularly with the multiple threats lurking in the shadows, and Gwaine himself had sworn loyalty to Arthur. Though that didn’t mean that his service, as it had always been, wasn’t primarily dedicated to Merlin. Everything he did – or had done – for Arthur had been because Merlin had asked him to, or because Gwaine had been able to see the expression lingering in the eyes that he knew so well, the fear that had darkened the delicate irises for the past year.

For a year, Gwaine had mourned the moments where Merlin would unflinchingly tell him about his father, or his magic, or the numerous dangers he’d encountered – though that last one had usually been reserved for when Gwaine had needed a scare to rid himself of hiccups. He had watched Merlin close off more and more of himself and Gwaine hadn’t even realised that Merlin had been dying until he had collapsed on Gwaine’s bed hours after the attempted assassination of Arthur and begrudgingly told him the whole tale. Even then he’d elected to omit the fact that Gwen was wanting Arthur dead, but Gwaine also knew that Merlin had the opinion of himself that his word was worth nothing, despite Gwaine having told him multiple times that he would believe Merlin over Arthur any day of the week. And if Merlin had spent the last of his spirit on Gwaine before they even had the chance to recover the land decimated by drought, Gwaine would never forgive himself.

Through the hesitant birdsong, the snapping of a twig resounded like a crossbow bolt to the skull. Gwaine pressed himself to a tree trunk and, one hand hovering over his sword, ignited sparks that scattered themselves across his fingertips. Through the branches, he caught sight of a hooded figure and a glint of metal and, putting aside all cautions of taking it easy, launched himself at the intruder. Having knocked them to the ground, Gwaine roughly turned them over onto their back between his legs, hand drawn back behind his head as the sparks evolved into ribbons of fire, his eyes burning with the same heat that Merlin’s had flared with so many times.

The same heat that was flickering right in front of him.

In wonder, Merlin reached up with his fingertips to graze the stubble on Gwaine’s chin, the drawn and anxious expression buried amidst it, the bruises stretched out beneath his eyes. When he spoke, he sounded like he was older than time itself. ‘I didn’t think it would work,’ he whispered, the fire in his eyes fading.

Instead of the vibrant blue that Gwaine was used to, the gaze that held his was commanded by the uncertain watery depths of the sky snatched between storm clouds. It was like all the colour had been drained from him and Merlin had been left with the dregs of his former self, and Gwaine’s hands, dropping the flames like he had dropped his guard around the warlock so long ago, jumped to Merlin’s cheeks to check that he was not some trick of his mind.

‘What happened to you?’

‘I gave you all,’ Merlin breathed back, eyes still roaming his form. ‘Because I couldn’t save Arthur, so I had to save you. Morgana was the darkness to my light, and you are my light. I couldn’t let her corrupt you. So I poured everything I had into reversing her damage. I poured everything I had into you.’

‘And nearly killed yourself in the process,’ said Gwaine sharply, fingers darting to the faint heartbeat beneath Merlin’s shirt. He slid from him, trying to conceal his trembling lower lip, and shook out his hair as he held out his arms. ‘Come here, you self-sacrificing fuck.’

Merlin fell into him like an acorn burying itself in the ground, rooting itself to the very earth it would one day become in the hopes of being able to slowly flourish. Savouring the cool touch, Gwaine wrapped his arms around the warlock in the attempt to transfer some of his body heat. Merlin was still breathing, which was always a good sign, and the heart thumping against him was stronger than it had been mere moments before. They hadn’t held each other like this since the morning that Merlin had been released from the cells after being cleared of poisoning Arthur. When Merlin touched him, it was like a butterfly was darting across Gwaine’s skin and seeking out the nectar hidden in his pores, and Gwaine closed his eyes.

‘Do you still have your magic?’

Merlin’s reply was thickened by the threat of tears. ‘I think so. It doesn’t feel as strong as it did, but I know a way to get it back if it is gone. You didn’t tell me that you’d been practising.’

Gwaine’s fingers were making their way along Merlin’s ribs. ‘There wasn’t really a chance to drop it into conversation,’ he softly said. ‘You were preoccupied with—You were preoccupied with other things.’

‘I’m sorry. For isolating myself. I just—I couldn’t afford to get distracted. I couldn’t allow everything that had been built to crumble so soon after.’ Merlin dropped his head into Gwaine’s shoulder. ‘It has anyway, though, and I’ve hurt you in the process. And I should have stayed by your side, when I healed you. But there were other voices and I was selfish and couldn’t handle the prospect of yet another failure, this time with an audience, and—’

‘Merlin, it’s alright. You’ve had so much pressure put on you for so long and, yes, you’ve hurt me, but you’re a selfless bastard who was doing it to protect me. I’d say that I expect you to make it up to me, but you’ve just saved my life, so I think that counteracts some of the distance that was between us. Not that I’ll say no to flowers, if that inclination possesses you,’ Gwaine added as an afterthought.

Pulling away, Merlin abandoned his fingers to Gwaine’s soft hair, gaze darting anywhere but Gwaine’s warm eyes. Then, he met them. ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’

Had Merlin asked that several months ago, Gwaine would have screamed that he show him, but Merlin had been willing to sacrifice himself for Gwaine. And Merlin being prepared to drain himself of his magic, the one thing that he had defined himself by – which was arguably not the best idea, but there would be time to show Merlin how much more he was worth – was more than enough proof that he loved Gwaine. ‘I know now. And I love you too.’

‘I won’t leave you again, I promise you.’

A lifetime of living as a pariah was screaming at Gwaine to not trust Merlin, to push him away to protect himself, but his heart was weeping and Merlin’s stare was so fierce for one who seemed so fragile. ‘I know you won’t.’ Gwaine pressed a kiss to Merlin’s forehead, lips lingering as he closed his eyes. ‘I know you won’t.’

#perhaps a little pleased with myself at actually managing to finish this one today even if there isn't much hug #i'm sorry...my mind just goes to places and my fingers follow #hope you like it and thanks again!#merlin #gwaine #merwaine #mergwaine #bbc merlin #hug prompts #lit writes

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winterhawkwonderland · 4 years

Text

2020 Exchange Round up!

It’s here!!! An easy to find complete list of works from our 2020 Winterhawk Wonderland Exchange event. It is listed by title of work and author or artist, and includes rating, summary, and word count (if applicable). Our event excluded any of the AO3 Big Four warnings, but please do check tags and warnings on each work before diving in, just in case you find something there that squicks or triggers you!

Once again, thank you all so much for participating and making this a great event! Love the Winterhawk fandom!

If you do not see your work listed, please contact the Mods and we will update the post - all works were pulled from the AO3 Collection, but it’s possible we overlooked something or made a mistake! Additionally - Tumblr (in true Tumblr fashion) would not let us tag some creators - their names are on the list but the hyperlink doesn’t work. We apologize for the technical difficulty, but have no way of fixing broken Tumblr links. Please know that no offense was intended.

The 300 Club by @fosterthefuture for @gwhell. Rated T, 10,109 words “Me here?” Bucky asks, a little hysterically. “What do you expect me to do, be the one to haul your frozen body in from the snow bank you inevitably fall into and die in?”Clint chuckles, as though what Bucky’s asked is completely illogical, which it decidedly is not. “Nah, you can suit up if you want to come along to make sure I stay on track, but I’ll make it back just fine. I really just need you to be here to make sure the door stays open, help me get my boots off and into those blankets when I get back.”“Clint,” Bucky asks, eyes now closed. “Please tell me you wouldn’t do this if you were completely alone.”The silence that emanates from the sauna is telling.“Well,” Clint finally says, “I’m trying to not get into the habit of lying to you, Barnes.”

40k misunderstandings by @verdantbogmoth for @flawsinthevoodoo. Not Rated, 3,280 words. “Are they real?” Bucky gasps. “Who keeps bags of real rose petals just lying on hand?”“Tony, for special random events and for us to steal to have fun with,” Clint supplies helpfully. “Where do they go?”“Everywhere,” Bucky decides. “The couch, the table, the fucking tv stand.” Clint pops the bag and they spend several minutes turning Bucky’s living area into a very perfumed, petal draped nightmare. “Oh, my god.” Bucky says gleefully. “It looks like a porno,” Clint claps. “A serial killer porno!” Bucky amends. “This is fantastic. Why aren’t rose petals everywhere, always. Why don’t more people just throw them around for any old event?”

[ART] Christmas fluff by @elynehil for @chekov-in-a-dress. Rated G. Winterhawk Wonderland gift :)

[ART] Cooking By The Book by @not-the-blue for @thegrowingwordsmith. Rated G. Clint attempts a holiday recipe from Bucky's childhood. He... might need a second attempt.

[art] i (heart) hawkeye by @gwhells for @lantaniel. Rated G. Art for lantaniel for the Winterhawk wonderland gift exchange!

[ART] i still feel this way when light catches your face by @quicksillver for @sevdrag. Rated G. Winterhawk Wonderland gift! :)

An Affinity for Elf Culture by @bella-dahlia for @trekchik. Rated T. 8,501 words. When Bucky Barnes was told he would be doing press and community outreach as part of his prosthetic program, no one mentioned to him it would involve dressing up like an Elf from the North Pole.The hella cute blonde elf in head to toe purple hadn't been brought up either.Hiding in his hoodie wasn't going to be an option, was it?

All I Want for the Holidays Is You by @merelypassingtime for @flowerparrish. Rated G. 7,205 words. Clint obligingly took the last name in the hat. Unfolding it he read the name, Bucky. Crap. What was he supposed to do with that? When Clint draws Bucky’s name for the Avengers holiday gift exchange, he struggles to find the perfect gift.

as long as it’s with you by @theproblemwithstardust for @theonlyceeceej. Rated T. 2,651 words. Clint didn’t know when the thing between him and Bucky became an actual thing. At some point the banter had evolved from a fun and engaging way to pass the time into a weirdly competitive game of flirting chicken.

A bad day turned good by @gabrielsammysangel for @misterknife. Rated G. 1,115 words. Clint Barton was having a bad day, one kiss to take it all away. Aka how a full bad day can be wipped away when you have a good boyfriend.

Bandages and Soot by @fanbinbun for @hawkguyandthewinterdude. Rated T. 2,358 words. “Oh, you’re new. Hi! I’m Clint. I come here often.” “I have been warned.” Bucky said with amusement curling his lips. “Got a name, or should I just give in and start calling you ‘hot nurse’?”

Because of Coffee and a Chocolate Doughnut. by @jazzrose343 for @loonyloopylisa. Rated M. 5,257 words. Bucky is an Actor. Clint is stunt actor and coordinator. Shenanigans Happen

Better Than Fine by @vexbatch for @theproblemwithstardust. Rated T. 4,439 words. Clint promised Kate he'd bring a plus one to her engagement party, but now he needs to find one. Maybe Bucky will do him a favor? Maybe Clint's crush on Bucky won't be a problem for said favor?

[ART] The Cat doesn't agree by @misterknife for @Inktastic1711. Rated G. 5 words. Clint was determined to get the best family photo this year. Except now he's pretty sure that fighting alien hoards or doombot armies might actually be easier than wrangling a cat into a sweater.Bucky says that Alpine's sorry.Clint thinks she might kill him in his sleep.

cause it's just what you must do by @sevdrag for yamyamyam. Rated T. 3,399 words. Clint ducks away at Tony's holiday party for a breather. Little does he know this closet is occupied.

Christmas With the Barnes's by @jstabe for @claraxbarton. Rated T. 3,163 words. He knows Clint is nervous. If he’s honest, he is a little too. He and Clint have been dating just shy of two years but with their hectic work schedules, it’s rare for them to have full days off together so Clint isn’t used to large family gatherings.

The Common Room by @trekchik for @nana-evans. Rated E. 1094 words. No one knows they're together. Right?

Communication is key by @averyrogers83writes for @harishe-art. Rated G. 3,434 words. Bucky screws up and pisses Clint off possibly ruining any chance of having more than a working relationship with the archer.

[ART] Cookies For Two by madnerding for @hopelessly-me. Rated G. 29 words. My prompt was for cookie decorating and I hope I delivered. Enjoy!

Coping Mechanisms by @mariana-oconnor for @feathers-and-cigarettes. Rated E. 4,321 words. After the events of Freefall, Clint Barton is exhausted, bruised and on everyone's Most Wanted list. Luckily, or unluckily, it's Bucky Barnes who ends up finding him.

Cover Me by @downwarddnaspiral for @feedmecookiesnow. Rated M. 8,618 words. Clint and Bucky end up off the grid and in close quarters. Featuring the world’s crappiest safehouse, a semi-retired spy, and an assassin with strong opinions about the cold.

Delicate, hand wash only by @mollynoble for @pherryt. Rated E. 6,074 words. “Hey, Buck, what do you need?” Clint moved closer, he wanted to reach out but he resisted the urge, that could be a bad idea right now. “What can I do to help?” He pitched his voice low and soothing. There was a pause, then Bucky's eyes focused on him. “Right now all I want is a bath and then sleep.”

Draw Me Like One of Your Frenchmen by @alchemistdoctor for @thwip. Rated M. 1,410 words. This is written for andthwip in the winterhawk wonderland exchange, who requested sexting during inappropriate times, date night ends in trying a new kink, or getting off in the field. I managed the first two!

Fate or Natasha by bear_shark for @kidd-you-not. Rated G. 1,663 words. How it ended: Bucky watched the rise and fall of Clint’s chest while he slept. Every few minutes, he would snuffle and rub his face against Bucky’s chest. Bucky’s phone pinged, and he carefully checked his texts. Natasha: How did your date with Clint go? Bucky sat up quickly, jostling Clint. “What the hell?”

The Fight Before Christmas by @theonlyceeceej for @jstabe. Rated E. 4,040 words. Now, don’t let it be said that Bucky couldn’t take a joke. He could. Really. But sometimes it was just too much. Clint was just too much. Clint is the epitome of a schoolboy with a crush; Pulling pigtails, calling names, the lot! Ok, maybe it was more than a crush, judging by the many thoughts about being thrown around by the Winter Soldier. He just needed to get his attention... But will it work?

For This by @endof-theline for @elynehil. Rated G. 5,652 words. Bucky and Clint are moving in together and it's not just the boys we have to worry about, because Lucky and Alpine are moving too!

Getaway Car by @feedmecookiesnow for @genderfluid-and-confuzled. Rated G. 4,405 words. The guy regains his balance and starts running again. He slips one more time, slides a little more, and then suddenly he’s right next to the car, fumbling at the handle of the passenger side door. A blast of cold wind comes as he yanks it open, practically falling into the seat in a swirl of snowflakes. “Go, go!” he yells, and Clint goes. He doesn’t even question it, just slams the car into drive and shoots out into the street, skidding a little on the ice.

Guardian Angel by @chrissihr for @spacetimeconundrum. Rated T. 3,469 words. Clint attracts strays like moths to flame. All he wanted to do was bring home a puppy he found in a box marked ‘free’ in crayon. It was just sitting out in the rain under the awning in front of his neighborhood pizza place.He couldn't just leave it there ... right?

Hit Me With Your Best Shots by @thegrowingwordsmith for @fosterthefuture. Rated G. 2,185 words. As a barista, Bucky has witnessed a lot of crazy customers and their creations. He has made drinks with so much syrup that there was barely room for coffee, and gotten orders with so many modifications that it had to print on multiple stickers. None, however, even came close to the strangeness of Too Much Caffeine guy.

[ART] How do you like them apples? by @lantaniel for @vexbatch. Rated G. Because Clint is incapable of 1.doing a calm activity, and 2.not climbing a tree.

Howl by @drgrlfriend for @mariana-oconnor. Rated T. 9,729 words. Excerpt: Bucky gets that uncomfortable feeling again, like he missed something. Lost time maybe. It’s been happening less and less, but it still happens. “I don’t know what you mean.” The man runs a broad hand up the back of his neck, mouth pulling to the side as he seems to consider his words. “Skin feels too tight sometimes? Feels like you gotta keep moving, but no place feels right? Got an ache deep in your bones that you just can’t seem to get rid of?” “What —” Bucky swallows, the rest of the sentence jagged in his throat. He knows there are Avengers who are witches, or telepaths, or whatever, but he’d never heard of Hawkeye being one of them. “How are you — are you in my head? —”

[ART] I got you by @vexedbeverage for @gabrielsammysangel. Rated T. 100 words. I decided I wanted to do some art but then my writing brain told me I couldn't stop there. I've never done a drabble before so I thought I'd give it a try!

I Love How Your Soul is A Mix of Chaos and Art by @flawsinthevoodoo for @merelypassingtime. Rated T. 5,745 words. This is basically a 5+1 where Clint "Borrows" a great many hoodies as a coping mechanism and Bucky decides Clint needs to be a part of his life, not just his laundry.

if these wings could fly by @flowerparrish for @hawksonfire. Rated M. 4,018 words. He waits a few moments, pretty sure he’s going to have to start knocking again, when the door swings open. There’s Bucky, shirtless, disheveled, wings spread out behind him like some kind of tragic painting of an angel. Not that Clint knows much about art, but with the dark colors and dim lights he thinks this could totally have been something one of those old dudes dreamed up.

It Must be Winter in my Heart by @harishe-art for @jazzrose343. Rated G. 3,055 words. It's the holiday season and for some reason Clint and Bucky keep getting mistaken as a couple. They hadn't even planned to meet up most of them time. Why does this keep happening to them?

It was Only a Winter's Tale by @harishe-art for @averyrogers83. Rated G. 1,628 words. Clint and Bucky prepare to celebrate their first winter holiday together when Bucky has a realization during an argument.

it was peace by @loonyloopylisa for @drgrlfriend. Rated G. 1,932 words. “Um, hi, I’m Bucky?” he said, hating himself for the way it came out like a question. “Hi Bucky,” the man answered, a wide smile on his tan face, “I’m Clint. What can I do for you?” Inwardly thankful for this therapist for making him practice he said, “I was wondering if you had any volunteer opportunities?” Clint gave him a considering look, bright blue eyes narrowed thoughtfully. Bucky was sure he was assessing him and finding him lacking, taking in the missing arm and coming up with a reason Bucky wouldn’t fit in. He was bracing himself for the rejection when Clint said, “sure.”

A Kind of Magic by @sian1359 for bear_shark. Rated G. 7.034 words. Bucky has some help adapting from being Hydra's Winter Soldier to becoming the Avenger's Winter Soldier

Lilac you a lot by @hawkguyandthewinterdude for @harishe-art. Rated T. 6,490 words. It starts with one purple sock and just escalates from there.

Lost Time by @lissadiane for @vexedbeverage. Rated T. 10,029 words. Clint’s always known the universe doesn’t like him all that much. But all he knows now, as his heart beats out a rhythm and there isn’t a heartbeat to harmonize with it, is that he’s found his soulmate -- and he’s been dead for over 70 years. It’s ironic. It burns. It shouldn’t surprise him. Barney won’t be surprised. Barney’s been saying the universe has it out for them for Clint’s whole life. And this is just further proof. In which soulmates exist but Clint's parents are proof that sometimes, they go terribly wrong.

The Maybe To Your Story by @kangofu-cb for @mollynoble. Rated E. 5,162 words. Bucky walked out of the shared bathroom whistling under his breath, happily ignoring Steve’s groan as he whipped off the towel around his waist to half-assedly swipe at the water droplets on his shoulders. “Oh, you’re still here?” he asked blithely, toweling at his hair. “Might want to shake a leg before you get an eyeful of something you want to see even less than my dick.” “I’m going, I’m going,” Steve grumbled. “Fuck. Can’t believe I’m getting sexiled for the third time this week. For Barton.” Or, instead of talking about their feelings, Clint and Bucky decide to fuck about it.

my hands no longer an afterthought by @shatteredhourglass for @quicksillver. Rated T. 2,922 words. Bucky's moving on with his life. Shaking off the Soldier. There's still that one nagging, blond idiot-shaped regret, though.

Nowhere to go but with you by Lacerta for @sian1359. Rated G. 5,905 words. Clint fights the urge to cross his arms, keeping them hanging loosely by his sides instead, and forces himself to relax his shoulders. It’s just a small precaution in case he needs to react fast but, god, he hopes it doesn’t come to that. He doubts any precaution that doesn’t include a loaded weapon would help him last more than a minute. He watches the man sitting across the kitchen table from him, curled in on himself under Clint’s warmest blanket with his hands wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee, and tries to wrap his head around the very unusual, very alarming situation he has gotten himself into.

On The Fifth Day of Christmas, The Winter Soldier Stole For Me..... by @ch3ls3ara3 for @alchemistdoctor. Rated T. 8,178 words. “Are these pears? Why the hell is there a pear tree in my apartment?” he asked Lucky who was now sitting patiently, staring up at the bird with his tongue hanging out and tail wagging. “What is happening?” Clint Barton knew he was a disaster, it never really shocked him anymore when he ended up in strange situations. These twelve days leading up to Christmas, though? Those days he would have never seen coming.

the one where Clint hates christmas horror by @thwip for @bella-dahlia. Rated M. 2,898 words. “We take turns, Clint. This week is Nat’s turn, next week is yours,” Tony quips, sipping from his own mug. “We can watch The Holiday, for the third year in a row, then.” Clint opens his mouth and starts to protest Tony’s eye roll because The Holiday is a cinematic masterpiece and Kate Winslet may give her best performance yet, Tony! Not to mention Cameron Diaz! Singing Mr Brightside! It’s a great film, when the front door opens and Bucky and Steve walk in, laughing about something. Clint's mouth snaps shut and his eyes immediately flicking towards Bucky, admiring the way the navy fabric of his henley clings to the thick biceps that are almost bursting out of it.

Operation Snowbound by RedTeamShark for @heartonfirewrites. Rated G. 4,048 words. The mission is a simple job: tag a convoy as it drives through the pass and then skedaddle back down the mountain. Easy enough that Clint could do it in his sleep. And he doesn’t even have to pull the trigger, that’s what Bucky’s there for. Until an unexpected weather event leaves the two of them stranded on a mountainside in a blizzard, battling the cold, Clint’s taste in coffee, and Bucky’s idea of idle conversation.

Outside the World by @pherryt for @verdantbogmoth. Rated G. 4,767 words. Bucky doesn't really remember who he is, and what little he does remember is impossible. All his therapists have said so. There's no way he can be who he thinks he is - a character from a children's book.And yet, the world around him just doesn't *feel* right - its too dark, too colorless and doesn't match the vibrancy of his dreams. Dreams he tries to capture both on paper and on his walls.Bucky doesn't have any answers he can count on, just the hat he's kept all these years, but that guy that started following him - as vibrant and eye-catching as the pieces of Bucky's dreams -Well, he just might.

The Prince's "Delivery Boy" by allyouneedissleep for @endof-theline. Rated T. 4,917 words. He wouldn’t have any issues at all with the secrecy rules stating that only people in confirmed legal marriages could tell their significant other about their job if he was planning to marry anyone except the Prince who was first in line to take over as King of Brooklyn after his marriage went through. Clint was about to effectively become Queen of Brooklyn and he couldn’t even tell his fiance what he did for a living. As far as Bucky knew, he was a delivery boy. A DELIVERY BOY.

[ART] Snow Way Out! by @inktastic1711 for @fanbinbun. Rated G. 24 words. Prompt: While on a mission, Clint and Bucky end up on an impromptu sledding trip down the snowy hill/mountain to escape the bad guys. Bonus points if the sled isn't actually a sled.

Snowed In by @chekov-in-a-dress for @ch3ls3ara3. Rated T. 4,332 words. Secret Santa Story for CarafeOfColdBrew! Dad Bucky and his daughter Nat are on their way to Bentonsport where Bucky is supposed to check out a possible site to build a resort when they get overwhelmed by a snowstorm. How lucky that they get pointed to a bed and breakfast owned by a certain handsome dork.

So much to say (I just can't speak) by @hopelessly-me for Allyouneedissleep. Rated T. 3,260 words. Bucky has never considered himself the jealous type. But when Steve and Clint start hanging out more and more, Bucky starts pulling back to protect his own feelings.

Some Luck by @claraxbarton for @not-the-blue. Rated T. 3,558 words. “Cowboys?” he asked. Judith smiled at him. “I love to give my darlings what they want.”

a storm is comin' in by @heartonfirewrites for @chrissihr. Rated T. 9,686 words. Sasquatches don’t exist. Clint is sure of it. So what’s that fuckin' bigass yeti doing outside Tony’s upstate cabin in the middle of a nor’easter, looming ominously and ruining Clint’s plans for a quiet Christmas alone with Lucky?

Time and Time Again by @pherryt for @shatteredhourglass. Rated E. 6,497 words. The past has a way of catching up to people and Clint knows that better than most. Despite that ingrained life lesson, he still doesn't expect it when a part of Steve's past turns out to also be part of Clint’s. He's... not sure where to go from here.

too cold to feel (but i know you're there) by @hawksonfire for @trashcanakin. Rated T. 1,983 words. Clint’s been cold his whole life. He doesn’t mind, really, has learned to always keep a pair of gloves on him, even in the summer. He gets weird looks for it, but he stopped caring what people thought of him a long time ago. His apartment has always got spare blankets laying around, and his dresser is jam packed with thick pairs of socks.

[ART] A Walk in the Woods by @spacetimeconundrum for @downwarddnaspiral. Rated T. One finds the strangest things in the woods...

What's a Guy Like You Doing in a Place Like This by @sevdrag for @kangofu-cb. Rated T. 8,091 words. A 5+1 fic for Winterhawk Wonderland: Five Times It Wasn't A Date, and One Time It Actually Was.

Word Search by yamyamyam for RedTeamShark. Rated T. 3,858 words. Bucky doesn't understand why he should have to see a doctor about a measly little bullet wound. Steve doesn't understand why that would be optional, Jesus Christ, Buck, we can have nice things now. Clint doesn't understand why he can't visit Bucky in the super-secure lockdown ward. The NYFD doesn't understand why Clint can't get out of a baby swing without the jaws of life. Natasha doesn't understand why she puts up with any of these idiots.

[ART] You Come Here Often? by @trashcanakin for Madnerding. Rated G. winterHawk in the vents.

You had me at Loathing by @kidd-you-not for Lacerta. Rated T. 5,715 words. "What?" he asks absolutely no one, completely baffled. Movement to his left catches his eye and he twists around, still hanging from the balcony railing by his legs, and gapes. There, right there on the adjourning apartment building, is a man. A man clad all in black, with chestnut brown hair falling to his chin and a mask covering the lower part of his face. Holding a sniper rifle in his right hand and giving Clint a mocking little salute with the left. "Motherfucker!" Clint screams. Hawkeye and the Winter Soldier work for competing companies. Unfortunately for everyone involved, they cross paths on more jobs than either of their handlers can endure.

Honorable Mention:

The Opposite of Love by @teeelsie-posts for @loonyloopylisa. Rated E. 10,000 words. You know that social media post where the guy says he’s a felon and he’ll come terrorize your family for Thanksgiving in exchange for a free meal? Yeah, that’s what this is. Except that Clint is Clint, and Bucky is Bucky, and they’re both Avengers, but Clint’s family is a bunch of assholes and Bucky decides to help him out with that. Oh, and it’s Christmas, not Thanksgiving. Mod Note: This fic was begun for last year’s exchange then discarded for another idea, but Teeelsie finished it unexpectedly and asked permission to include it in this year’s collection and we were happy to allow that. Please enjoy!

#winterhawk #winterhawk wonderland exchange 2020 #event round up #masterpost #master post #NOW WITH TAGS

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iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid · 4 years

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endeavor character thots under the cut because it got really long and i just think his character arc is neat

(also i'm probably not saying anything that everybody doesn't already know but i need to collect my thoughts so here we are)

(spoilers up to ch290)

🔥🔥🔥

like, let me preface this with: yes, enji todoroki is a dickhead

i have very much enjoyed his character arc, but he is a dickhead

i think there’s a lot that goes into his behavior that we know about, and a lot that we don’t know about, but regardless it is my opinion that he is (or at least has been) a massive dickhead who was always way too obsessed with victory and being the best etc. etc. etc. and let it get in the way of him being, like, an actual decent human person. you know, like, the point of being a “hero” in the first place. he lost track of that at some point, WHICH is an excellent reflection of what the ~hero society~ does to warp the idea of heroism in the first place, and i think that was exactly hori’s intention. i mean, the man’s hero name, which we know in canon heroes come up with in their high school years, is fucking endeavor. nothing fire related. just endeavor. holy shit, dude, you have always been incapable of dialing it back, got it.

he is also (as all might pointed out) an excellent reflection of what an older bakugo could have been without intervention by the adults in his life: i.e., he has a rigid moral compass and a “fuck villains” mentality without an ounce of kindness to go with all that altruism, and in endeavor's case that spiraled down and down and down until you get to the shitshow that’s given us the current Keeping Up With The Todorokis story arc. his parallels with bakugo keep going right up to and including, of course, when the change started happening:

but anyway, the point is he lost track of what being a hero is actually supposed to be (if he ever knew in the first place because, again, growing up in this hypercompetitive atmosphere does a number on these heroes, man) and he’s only just starting to get it back now, as he goes through... what i hesitate to even call a redemption arc tbh? the narrative itself is doing nothing to “redeem” him, every action taken here is coming directly from the man himself as he tries to figure out how to do right by his family after all the garbage he put them through, with no thoughts about redeeming himself, which i think is the major factor that had me so on board for him swinging from “abusive shitheel” to “fumbling awkward and still kind-of-a-dick father who’s, like, at least trying to be better.” like, this bit:

THAT'S the good shit

anyway, so like, going back, when we first meet endeavor, we know three things: (1) he’s the number two hero after all might, (2) he essentially “bought” his wife and had several children before the todoroki we all know and love, all in an effort to combine their quirks into someone more powerful than either of them, and (3) todoroki haaates him, for good reason, partly because of the intense training he went through as a kid, but mostly because he views his mother’s deteriorating mental health -- and by extension his scar -- as being endeavor’s fault. that’s it, that’s all we got.

NOW we know a lot more

we know he specifically sought out rei for her ice quirk because his main weakness is overheating, we know he still to this day delivers her favorite flowers to her hospital room on a regular basis, we know he “put her in a hospital” (in the anime, not the manga, which was an excellent misdirection with the wording there BY the way) i.e. he admitted her into a hospital after she deliberately and horrifically injured their son, and we also have a whole lot more context for why rei’s mental health deteriorated so badly up to that point

it was a really cool way to reveal why this family is the way it is, in bits and pieces. you have enji, hyperdetermined to the point of being a dick sometimes (or all the time), who offers this woman a ton of money to marry him and have kids with him so their kids will be stronger than him. you have rei, who agrees, and after they have their first kid -- toya, who doesn’t get the ice quirk and can’t escape overheating -- enji still wants to train him to be the best he can be, and rei wants more kids so they can encourage each other. they love their kids! both of them! they may have even begun to love each other!

and then. aaaaaaand then,

toya burns himself to death (cough cough, allegedly), and it all falls apart. rei loses her firstborn son to the quirk that was passed onto him by the man that she agreed to have kids with, for the express purpose of passing on their quirks. in the beginning we think her disgust with shoto’s fire quirk is because of endeavor, because (and this was the assumption i made) he wasn’t just an emotionally abusive jerk, he was a physically abusive one, fire quirk and all. but it’s not endeavor’s quirk she’s disgusted by, it’s toya’s. she’s looking at her youngest son and seeing the power that gruesomely killed her oldest, and something breaks. she has a psychotic meltdown and dumps boiling water on her kid’s head, and she gets sent off to a mental hospital, for good reason.

i don’t know, man. i just. LOVE how much the extra context gives to all of these characters.

but yeah, so toya’s death sent rei into that downward spiral, and at the same time it took endeavor’s already kind of too-gung-ho attitude and dialed that shit to 11 because he needed to throw himself into something and he sure as hell wasn’t gonna let that happen to another one of his kids, hence: way too much training for poor little shoto. and he doesn’t even see it as a bad thing? what he’s doing to his kids? it feels like a necessary evil and he’s more or less at peace with it.

but then all this kids are almost grown, and shoto hates him to the point that he only began using his fire quirk, like, this year, and natsuo fucking despises him and says it'll be a cold day in hell before he forgives him, and fuyumi’s the only kid left that even wants to begin to give him a chance. he’s the number one hero and it literally does not matter, it changes nothing. shoto’s constantly in danger because he wants to be a hero, natsuo almost dies because some villain comes after them with the intention of hurting endeavor, and fuyumi’s miserable because their family is cracked apart, and like... shit, dude. the fact that enji turns around and decides, “they all deserve to be a family together, they deserve to be happy together, fuyumi deserves to have the happy family she wants to have, and if the only way that’s going to happen is without me, then that’s just how it’ll have to be,” is phenomenal

he is fully willing to remove himself from the picture if that’s what it takes to make his wife and kids happy! if that’s what it takes to give them some peace! holy shit. this is the polar opposite of how he has viewed heroism for his entire life up until that point

this? this is not flashy showbiz-worthy fights and villain beatdowns and glory, minus genuine altruism

this is genuine altruism, minus the flashy showbiz-worthy fights and villain beatdowns and glory

and the fact that it’s just, like... ah, yes, watch endeavor slowly and fumblingly trying to right his wrongs and be a better person, how lovely, surely nothing will happen to completely derail this and oh wait what’s that HERE COMES DABI WITH A STEEL CHAIR--

just. hoo buddy. brain full, many thoughts about enji todoroki today lads, VERY interested and very frightened to see how the aftermath of the dabi reveal hits everyone in this family. it's...... a Lot

#bnha #todoroki enji #endeavor #horikoshi is a very very good writer and i am continually impressed by him tbh #mha #manga spoilers #i mean only for the [REDACTED] reveal that everyone knew was coming anyway but still

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youbloodymadgenius · 4 years

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Unexpected (Modern!Ivar x reader x OC)

A/N: This is my contribution to @waiting4inspiration‘s Stay Safe, Stay Home Writing Challenge. Hope you’ll like it, hun 💖

Please, stay safe, it’s far from over. Last night, at 10:30pm, my eldest daughter's teacher called me. Two teachers positive. School (about 1000 kids) closed until further notice.

Prompt in bold.

@inforapound 💋

Let me know if you want to be tagged 😊

The gif (🤤) belongs to @therealcalicali 🌷

Summary: You're about to spend a quiet evening with your friend Vero when the doorbell rings. Ivar...

Warnings: Implied FxF sex ; implied threesome.

Words: 2229

You pull back from Veronica's embrace just as the doorbell rings and your friend gives you a questioning look. "Did you invite somebody?"

Shaking your head, you frown slightly, getting up off the couch. Handing her the remote, you sigh. "Might as well go see who it is."

Squinting through the peephole, you let out a gasp of surprise before opening the door. "Ivar," you greet your unexpected visitor, "everything okay? What are you doing here?"

A sly smirk on his lips, Ivar shrugs. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thought I'd come to see you. This isn't a bad time, is it?" Raising an eyebrow, he points behind him with his thumb. "I can leave if you want me to. It's no big deal." He then tilts his head to one side as his eyes wander over your body. "Though it would be a shame…" He says cockily, glancing down again to your tiny shorts.

"Ivar!" Suddenly hyper aware you are basically standing in the hallway of your apartment building, half-naked, you turn beet red, fumbling with the bottom of your shirt and pulling it down in a fruitless attempt to hide your upper thighs. "You know I'm not alone, right?"

As he just nods, you furrow your brows, an idea popping into your mind. "Did you get my letter?"

§§§

Ivar (Dear Ivar, My dear Ivar, I don't really know how to begin… You know what? I'll stick to 'Ivar', everything else sounds too weird!),

I bet you're wondering why I'm writing to you. And if I know you, you're probably thinking it's so twenty-century-ish. You are right but guess what? I don't care.

§§§

Looking down at you with a wry smile on his face, he shrugs and takes out of his jacket pocket a sheet of paper, on which you can clearly see your neat handwriting. "It would seem so, don't you think?"

His amused tone does nothing to calm your nerves and you wince, your heart speeding up until you feel it pounding in your throat. "And?" Biting your lower lip, you hold your breath, waiting for his answer.

"Well..,�� he chuckles, "I'd say it's so twenty-century-ish."

Rolling your eyes, you heave an exasperated sigh. "You know that's not what I meant." Ivar keeps quiet as he locks his sparkling eyes on yours and you can't help but insist. "Please, Ivar, tell me what you think. Seriously!" You cringe at your begging tone, a dead giveaway that his opinion matters more than you'd like.

"You're no fun, Y/N!” Ivar pouts for one second, then seems to realize how tense you are. "I don't understand why you didn't tell me earlier,"he frowns, "but I'm glad you eventually did."

"You're not mad?" That's really a load off your mind and you're immediately breathing better.

§§§

I have something to tell you. Actually, I tried several times, but to no avail. Hope it'll be easier in writing…

You know about my friend Veronica, right? She was my roommate during my Erasmus semester in Spain, five years ago. I told you she was coming to visit me this week. That part is true, but I wasn't completely honest with you. There's more to it…

§§§

Ivar's face softens as his hand grazes yours, your fingers intertwining for just one moment. "Why would I be?" Giving you a sweet smile, he cocks his head questioningly.

"I… I thought that…" Sputtering, you inhale deeply. "I didn't tell you the whole truth, did I? I… thought you'd be upset…" Running nervously a hand through your hair, you look down, shy and uncomfortable.

§§§

I know we're not in an exclusive relationship, yet I know what we promised each other. That's why I feel awful about that… Because of course, the longer I wait, the harder it gets…

§§§

For two years, Ivar had been your lover's younger brother. Hvitserk and Ivar got along well, but even though they were family, they didn't run in the same circles. Different friends, different interests. Actually, during those two years, Ivar was always with his fiancée, a very blond, very pretty and very venal fucking bitch you couldn't stand. Freydis. Even her name rubs you up the wrong way.

Anyway… So, for two years, you had only occasionally met Ivar, mostly at family gatherings. And then, ten months ago, both of your love lives had been shattered, almost simultaneously. As you randomly found out Hvitserk had never stopped sleeping with Margrethe – Ivar's and Hvitserk's older brother's wife – Ivar caught Freydis fucking the gardener of the Lothbrok's estate. It had brought you closer together, as you spent nights drinking, cursing your former lovers and crying over your broken dreams, each of you drowning in each other's sorrow. You ended up finding comfort in each other's presence, and one thing led to another, you began sleeping together, rarely at first, more regularly for a month or two.

From the beginning, things had been clear between the two of you. No exclusivity, no commitment, as you were both emotionally scarred and totally not ready. However, an important rule had been established from the start: no lies, no secrets, no dirty tricks. A complete transparence at all times, in order to preserve your friendship – yes, you had become friends – at all costs.

Ivar giggles. He fucking giggles. "Love, that's a tiny white lie, an omission, you know? I can live with that. What I don't get is, why were you so afraid of telling me?" No mischief in his eyes. Ivar seems genuinely curious, prepared to hear your answer, whatever it is.

Relieved yet a bit embarrassed, you bow your head, feeling suddenly childish. Why didn't you tell him? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Plus you didn't do – and are not doing – anything wrong. So yeah, why? "I'm… I'm not sure, Ivar. I suppose… I thought… Maybe…" Chewing on your cheek, you suck in a ragged breath while collecting your thoughts. "I didn't know how you'd react. We never talked about… this kind of things, you know…"

§§§

Okay, here goes. When I met Veronica, I was single and so was she. We were young and carefree, always up for anything. Vero was bubbly, self-confident, straightforward and quite fascinating. And so, so beautiful.

I don't remember how it happened the first time.What I do remember, however, is the softness of her skin and the smooth roudness of her breasts. (How wonderful a woman’s breast is! Right, guess you know that.)

After that first time, there were others. Many others. In the end, my Erasmus semester had been peppered with a lot of kissing, touching, caressing… And so much tenderness… That was fantastic.

From then on, whenever we see each other again, and as long as we're both single, we don't resist. Not a chance. Why should we?

Well, here we are! Now you know my "big secret.” I didn't have the guts to say it in person, that's why I chose to write. Because even though you and I aren't really in a relationship – or not in that kind of relationship, and you know what I mean – we promised to be fully honest with each other, and I didn’t feel like I had been.

Because I never told you about Vero, or the fact that I'm bisexual. It's obviously what I am. Quite frankly, I don't know. Maybe. Possibly. Truthfully, I don't care. Labels shouldn't matter, don't you agree? To me at least, they don't.

Anyway, now you know. Please, try to be understanding and non-judgemental. And forgive me for not saying anything earlier. I'll be glad to still be your friend, you know?

Talk soon,

Y/N.

§§§

"We never talked about this kind of thing?” Ivar mumbles, repeating your words. "It would have been pointless. There was just nothing to talk about!" His nostrils flare and he clearly struggles to restrain a growing anger. "Fuck Y/N! I can't believe you think so little of me. It is well known that Sigurd fucks more men than women, isn't it? And I'm pretty sure my father was once in love with a man. A fucking Christian priest! You really thought I was that closed-minded that you playing stink fingers with a girl would shock me?"

Quirking your brows, you shrug, wincing slightly. "I… Sorry Ivar… I thought… I don't know what… I… huh… I was… scared… or maybe… I… Shit!" Stopping your rambling, you pull yourself together, inhaling deeply while rubbing your sweaty palms up and down your bare thighs. "Guess I don't know you so well. After all, we sleep together and sling mud at our unfaithful exes, but that's it. There are a lot of things we've never talked about and yes, I was scared. Yet, I should have known better, you're probably right. I've been silly, haven't I?"

A half-smile tugs at his lips, and he nods. "Yes, you might say that."

You can see his face is still tense, but his tone, much to your relief, is playful, which gives you the courage to ask another question. "Still friends, then?"

"Of course. I wouldn't be here otherwise." Reaching out, his right hand cups your face, his thumb stroking lightly your cheek. Ivar is sometimes so soft, it's disarming.

"I'm glad." You're not lying. Ivar is important to you, has a special place in your life. You would have been disappointed if he was less accepting.

Wrapping your fingers around his, you stand on your tippy toes, giving him a quick peck right under his cheekbone. "Thank you. And now…,” you clap your hands, your face breaking into a wide grin, "are you finally going to tell me what you're doing here?"

"I will," Ivar begins before shifting his weight from one foot to the other still leaning heavily on his crutch, "but won't you let me in?" Gesturing to his legs, he groans, tilting his head. "Or are you going to leave the poor cripple on your doorstep? How rude!"

You burst out laughing, rolling your eyes. "You know using your disability that way is a shame?" Still, you can't help but feel guilty when you see him stifling a wince, trying not to show his pain. "Okay Ivar, come in." Stepping aside to let him in, you scratch your head, confused. You still don't know what he's doing here.

***

The awkward small talk is unsettling. Frowning, you take your seat on the couch next to Veronica after getting Ivar a beer, who is now comfortably seated in an armchair.

"So, what is it you really want, Ivar?" You ask growing annoyed at this point. As much as you like him, you'd rather spend your night in Vero's arms than chitchatting with her and your current "bedfellow.”

Ivar doesn't open his mouth for a long time, an impish smile lingers on his lips. Tilting his chin up, he finally clears his throat. "Kiss her." His hoarse, bossy voice – his sex voice – catches you off guard, sending shivers through your spine. "Excuse me?" You murmur, your hand gripping Vero's.

"That's what I want. That's why I came. Kiss her." As he suggestively licks his lips, your eyes widen, a familiar warmth spreading in your lower belly. Knowing that Vero is anything but bashful, you give her a meaningful look, pleased as you can see desire in her dark, dilated eyes. Immediately leaning forward, you brush your lips against hers, your tongue parting them almost instantaneously, invading and claiming her mouth. Soft moans escape your lips as Vero deepens the kiss and you close your eyes, allowing yourself to get lost in the moment.

"We can do better than that," Vero mutters, her teeth nibbling on your earlobe, "if he wants a show, we'll give him a show. It would be rude to deny him, don't you think?" Without waiting for your answer, she slips a hand under your shirt, gently pushing it up, running her fingertips over your breasts as you wrap your arm around her waist, bringing her closer.

Catching your attention, Ivar lets out a low, appreciative growl, his expression unreadable. He's aroused, the bulge in his pants is obvious, but does he want more? Remembering that time when you sent Vero a pic of him, and how she was screaming over the phone about how hot he was, you know she wouldn't mind. She wouldn't mind at all.

"Care to join us?" You blink at him, making sure he can see your fingers sliding under her panties. When he doesn't answer and looks unsure, a faint frown creasing his forehead, you slowly get off the couch, kissing Vero one last time and then cross the room. Kneeling down in front of him, you reach out, putting your hand on his groin and squeezing his hard cock. You can hear Vero stand up, "Yes Ivar, join us please.” You make sure you whisper so that only he can hear you. "I promise, you won't have to take your pants off if you don't want to."

His nod brings a beaming smile to your face and you grab his hand as Veronica joins the two of you. Brimming with excitement, you lead them up to your bedroom, wordlessly, your heart hammering in your chest.

This is unexpected and definitely not how you planned to spend the night. But you won't complain. It's a thousand times better.

🛡⚔️🛡

@honestsycrets @lisinfleur @waiting4inspiration @saldelys @gearhead66 @readsalot73 @a-mess-of-fandoms @hecohansen31 @lonewolf471 @milkkygirls @ivarthebloodyking @fuckindiva @tgrrose @shannygoatgruff @zuxiezendler @didiintheblog @xbellaxcarolinax

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theunvanquishedzims · 4 years

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Where is my fic of Steve Rogers, Matt Murdoch, and Kurt Wagner bonding over being bi Catholic superhero drama queens. Where do they talk about their personal struggles with sexuality and faith growing up in the 1940s, a Catholic orphanage, and a German circus run by witches. (Were they witches? I remember magic and a giant demon lady and it turned out to be his adopted mother and sister, who he was also dating because they weren’t THAT kind of brother and sister.)

I want Steve to run into Matt shortly after being defrosted, maybe at the gym Matt boxes at. Boxing was a national pastime and now it’s fallen by the wayside in favor of more glamorous fighting styles. It’s nice to just get in a ring and punch someone, and they’re surprisingly compatible fighters, both slightly too fast and hitting too hard, coming out the other side grinning bloody teeth at each other. Matt smoothly lying (telling the truth) about his blindness forcing him to focus on his opponent until he can almost predict their movements. Steve fumbling with the cover story SHIELD gave him about being a soldier recently returned from war, being slightly too honest about feeling out of touch and like he wouldn’t fit in normal life with everything he’s seen and done in the war.

I want Matt to show up at SHIELD next Sunday morning to pick Steve up for church completely unasked, Steve fumbling into the nicest clothes he owns that isn’t a dress uniform, Matt loaning him a tie and whisking him across the city to Hell’s Kitchen. Matt whispering cues through the service, remembering John Mulaney at the last minute and hissing the correct words so Steve doesn’t say AND ALSO WITH YOU. Pointing out the priest he confesses to that can handle the mention of beating up bad guys without running screaming. Going out to lunch and discussing how Matt’s church is different from Steve’s old one, going back to Foggy’s to watch that John Mulaney show because he’s the only one they know with a tv, Foggy groaning over there being TWO of them.

Months or years later, running into Kurt at the Tower because Tony’s the one who developed the image inducer technology. Steve’s heightened vision being able to pick out the micro nuances where the hologram doesn’t quite keep up, most people would be able to shrug it off with a vague sense of unease, but they stand out to him like glowing red flags. Matt just feeling the buzzing and prickle of electricity all over his--skin? Fur? This man is very hairy and also has a tail. Why is no one saying anything about the tail. Steve almost citizen/Avenger-arrests him but Tony comes to vouch for him and they have their little Mutants Among Us revelation in the private upper floors. Steve apologizes very sincerely and they chat about Germany and circuses, another nearly-bygone relic that Steve misses. Matt is feeling left out, but jumps in when Kurt mentions being Catholic.

After that they’ve got weekly mass and lunches, and hey friendship is weird but wonderful. They give each other fashion tips! Kurt is European and flamboyant, Steve is solidly insisting that the only improvement on slacks and a button-up is a leather jacket, and Matt is literally blind. They get by. Matt introduces them to his tailor, after some private talks Kurt brings all his pants in and gets proper tail holes incorporated. Steve gets sticker shock every time he goes to a department store, but being able to buy at thrift stores and get them fitted is much more in line with his upbringing. Matt’s wardrobe gets some splashes of color that Kurt meticulously coordinates and bans him from freestyling with.

Weirdly enough it takes a really long time for the superhero thing to come up. Like a reeeeaaaaaally long time. Like shading into identity porn amounts of time. Not on purpose. Steve Rogers is a popular name in the US and doubly so in military families, nobody connects Steve the Army vet with Captain America unless they’re majorly into WWII military history, and the kind of guy who’s majorly into WWII military history is the kind of guy Steve tends to avoid outside of bar fights and university lectures. Everyone thinks the new Captain America guy is an Army recruitment stunt anyway.

Matt is blind, has had several high-profile cases against mob families, and lives in a dangerous part of town, nobody is surprised when he shows up places looking a little roughed up and growling about the darkness in mankind’s souls. Concerned, yes, ready to take on the mob, yes, surprised, no. He likes punching things though, so they leave it when he says he’s got it handled. A lot of debate stems from Matt’s growling, they all have strong opinions about morality and crime and institutional oppression. They have varying degrees of optimism/pessimism about God’s judgement and forgiveness, and wildly different ideas about the criminal justice system. (Again: 1940s soldier, US lawyer, and minority immigrant whose typical response to legal authorities is: *smashes a 40 on the ground* SCATTER!)

Tony introduced Kurt and told them he was engineering him the image inducer, but neglected to mention that it was part of his deal with the X-Men to field test his tech*. Nobody knows what he does for a living. Performer? Translator? Model? Escort? He knows a lot of rich people, like the Starks and Worthingtons and Frosts. He travels pretty frequently and brings them back souvenirs. Foggy is just happy that there is someone cheerful and level-headed in Matt and Steve’s Fight Club of a friendship, until Kurt backflips into the boxing ring with a fencing sword and shouts HAVE AT THEE, and oh no there’s THREE of them now.

(Tony is one of the silent investors in the X-Men. It started as just donating an old mansion the Stark family had to house at-risk “genetic minority” youth, then he wanted to help with the renovations to make it suitable for young mutants to practice controlling their powers, and then everyone got a little carried away and suddenly there were some extra basement floors. A few super computers. Something called a Danger Room, which is a misnomer because it’s totally safe, Tony promises. Possibly a donated jet or two, though they shot down his idea of painting it school bus yellow and claiming it as a school fleet vehicle on their taxes. He thinks the whole “X-MEN” thing the media came up with is hilarious, they’re just a bunch of persecuted minorities trying to rescue and educate kids, occasionally scuffling with another group doing the same thing on the other side of the moral line. He stays in his lane and looks forward to their tech challenges as a fun side project. “Full-body hologram” was a winner, even if it took a few tries to get the tail right.)

Just. More interaction between people who can conceivably interact on the regular, not just meet once in a big showdown based on mistaken identity, realizing We’re All Good Guys Here, shaking hands and then never seeing each other until the big world-ending team-up episode. Give me that sweet sweet bonding. We’re fanficcers, we don’t have to worry about coordinating between movies and shows and who’s going to space in their comic this week. We can just say “hey these guys have a lot in common, how about they get lunch sometime.”

#zims has too many feelings about super heroes #steve rogers #captain america #matt murdoch #daredevil #kurt wagner #nightcrawler #x-men #avengers #long post

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gb-fics · 3 years

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Unprovable

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: This fic is set in 2003, so before the official foundation of Golden Bomber, when Shou was still trying to become a comedian. They watch a movie and if you know it, you get what I’m talking about, but it’s perfectly understandable without having seen it as well (^-^) Oh, and it does get a little sexual, just so you know.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed on a certain musician in this fic are solely those of the characters and in no way reflect those of the author!

“Here, make yourself comfortable”, Shou offered and threw two pillows onto the futon he had just rolled out on the floor.

There was no other place to sit. Even laying out the futon had proven difficult enough and there wasn’t enough space for even a single chair in the apartment.

Yutaka sat down on the futon, propping up one of the pillows against the wall, so he could rest his back against it. He looked around the apartment. He had visited Shou before, but usually it was just to pick him up. The one-room apartment was too small to welcome several guests at once. Due to the size and probably also due to monetary issues, Shou hardly owned furniture. He kept his place a lot cleaner than you would expect of a 19-year-old single guy, though.

“I’m so excited”, Shou said, fumbling with the laptop while keeping his back on Yutaka. “I’m sure the movie will be amazing. Gackt is so cool! Did you realize his character is also named Shou in the movie? It’s like we have a connection!”

Yutaka watched his hunched back. Shou had the ability to remain standing still while also moving around too much. Sometimes, Yutaka thought he just seemed to be brimming with energy.

“Ph, Gackt”, he muttered, partly because he really didn’t understand why Shou liked him so much, and partly to make a point. “I’m sure Hyde will steal the show.”

Even if he didn’t like Gackt much, he was still oddly happy that he was in the movie. Shou loved Gackt and Yutaka loved Hyde. It was obvious they both wanted to see Moon Child as soon as it came out, so it was only logical they did so together. None of their friends had wanted to watch with them.

While Yutaka was grateful for that, it also made him nervous. They hung out with a group of friends often, but he rarely spent time alone with Shou. The movie offered the perfect excuse to do just that.

Being alone with him at his apartment made Yutaka feel giddy.

It was true, that Shou didn’t look like much at first glance, but Yutaka had realized just how charismatic he was quite early on anyway. Shou was funny and witty, and he had a way of looking at you when you spoke, that really made you feel listened to. He was just the type of guy, whom you didn’t want to let down. In his presence, Yutaka wanted to be interesting to make his attentive listening worth it. He wanted to be funny and make him laugh, because he didn’t want to fall short next to him, and because there was something about his laughter, that made you feel all warm and queasy inside.

Yutaka hadn’t noticed any of the other guys going out of their way that much to appeal to Shou, but he was sure, that it was universal. He was such a unique guy that it was impossible to not want to be liked by him. Even after knowing him for years now, Yutaka still felt nervous around him, because he wanted to be Shou’s friend so badly.

“Yeah, I mean, Hyde is pretty and all that. But Gackt is cool, in a manly way. He is so tall and handsome. He is all that a man should be.”

Yutaka’s face started to feel hot.

“Well, I for one prefer pretty over manly, homo”, he teased, though he was aware it was a problematic statement. It implied he liked Hyde after all, who was also a man – even if he was small. He also didn’t want Shou to feel like he thought it was weird to think of another man as handsome. His face still felt hot. He was uncomfortable, but couldn’t explain why.

“Please”, Shou said lightly and finally turned around, carrying the laptop over to the futon. “It’s not gay, as long as you are topping or if it’s Gackt.”

He uttered it with such confidence, that Yutaka snorted with laughter.

“Are you sure you’d sleep with him?”, he asked, but he was also relieved that Shou acted so casual about the matter. For some reason, Yutaka thought it was nice that he didn’t seem to worry if he sounded ambiguous about his sexuality.

“Absolutely”, Shou confirmed and put the disc into the drive of the laptop. They had pre-ordered the movie together at the rental store.

Yutaka smirked. They both knew that Shou meant it and that it was a lie nonetheless. He probably didn’t mind the thought, but in reality, he’d chicken out for sure. But it was not like Gackt would ever offer himself, so he’d never be proven wrong either. It was an unprovable truth only.

“I mean, Hyde is really good looking …”, Yutaka said, trying not to be a bore. He didn’t want Shou to think of him as prudish. “Hell, he’s definitely prettier than the girls at my school.”

Shou gave a quiet hum, but turned away to search for something.

Yutaka cursed himself for bringing up girls. He knew that it was a matter Shou didn’t enjoy talking about, because it made him insecure, although he got his fair share of confessions as well. He acted like he was ugly, when really, he was reasonably handsome and the bleached hair drew attention to him easily. Moreover, even if he was somewhat bowlegged, his thighs and butt looked great in tight jeans.

He had also forgotten how quiet Shou could get in private. There were people, who were shy in large groups, but livened up once you met them one-on-one. With Shou it was exactly the opposite. When they met with friends, he always had to be the centre of attention. He seemed to thrive on making everyone laugh and entertaining them. But when they were alone, his introverted side showed more clearly. Shou wasn’t going to reply to Yutaka’s comment on the girls, but he would probably overthink it all by himself. Yutaka wished he was more practiced at dealing with this private version of Shou. He wanted to change the topic somehow, but he didn’t know what to say.

Shou turned back and held up a pair of earphones.

“Here”, he announced and plugged them into the laptop. “We’ll need to share them.”

“Why don’t we listen to it out loud?”, Yutaka asked, although he kind of liked the thought of sharing headphones with Shou. There was something intimate about knowing it was only them hearing the same things at the same time when no one else could.

Shou pointed to the wall.

“The neighbours”, he explained. “The walls are so thin, otherwise they’ll hear every word. I don’t want to torture them with an entire movie.”

Yutaka rolled his eyes.

“Your place really is a dump”, he muttered.

“We could have watched it at your place, too”, Shou said dryly. “In case your parents wanted to join us.”

Yutaka felt very hot all over again.

“I’ll move out in a couple of months when I start college”, he defended himself. It was important to him that Shou didn’t think of him as a lame loser. He had only moved out himself recently, but Yutaka still thought he was cool – living all by himself, performing on various stages, being talented. He didn’t want Shou to view him as some kind of stupid high school kid.

Although it wasn’t like Yutaka had a plan for when he finished school. He had this vague idea of moving out and studying, but he hadn’t started looking for apartments, he hadn’t settled for a course of study yet and he couldn’t bring himself to study for his final exams either. He felt like the last year had just passed by without getting him emotionally involved in anything. He hated himself for that somehow, for just drifting through his own life without taking control of it. He hadn’t achieved anything in the last months, he hadn’t paid much attention in class. The only thing he remembered clearly were Shou’s public appearances, of which he hadn’t missed a single one and listening to him talk about music and the new haircut he had gotten about two months ago and that suited him immensely.

With everything going on in Yutaka’s life currently and all the changes he had to worry about, his mind seemed unable to focus on anything but his friend. It was like he was so busy with running his private fanclub, that he didn’t have time for anything else. If his parents knew, they’d ground him until he was 30. They were nagging him enough as it was. They also didn’t like Shou.

Shou grabbed the second pillow and made himself comfortable next to Yutaka.

He kept the laptop on his lap but turned it towards Yutaka, so both of them got a good look at the screen. They had to sit awfully close this way. Shou’s leg was touching Yutaka’s leg all the way down.

Shou grabbed the earphones and held the right one out to Yutaka.

“Thanks”, Yutaka said quietly and took it. Their fingertips brushed against each other, although Yutaka was trying to avoid the touch.

He put the earphone into his ear and stared onto the screen. Shou was sitting too close to look at him properly and he didn’t know what else to focus on.

“Ready?”, Shou asked, his fingertip lingering over the play button.

“Yeah”, Yutaka said. He sounded a little hoarse, as if he hadn’t spoken in quite a while already.

Shou pressed play and settled down next to him. Both of them were wearing short-sleeved shirts and their bare lower arms were touching ever so lightly.

Yutaka concentrated on the screen, where the opening credits started playing. He felt excited and he tried to focus on the joy of getting to watch a movie starring Hyde now.

The video quality was surprisingly good.

“Why do you own such a high-end laptop anyway? Your apartment looks like you are dirt poor”, he asked, instinctively lowering his voice, although nothing exciting was happening yet.

“Porn”, Shou said.

Yutaka laughed.

“Pervert”, he said. He knew Shou’s former living conditions though and not having to share a room for the first time in his life must have opened up plenty of opportunities for him. If Yutaka was honest, he was probably going to masturbate all the time as soon as he moved out as well.

He focused back on the screen.

Hyde was looking great, although Yutaka preferred his formerly long hair over the short blonde hairstyle he cultivated currently. Still, his features were even in a way that still baffled him and his proportions seemed to match so well. Where Yutaka’s fingers just looked short, Hyde’s looked delicate.

Shou’s fingers were long, slender and strong.

“They are both so handsome”, Yutaka said, only because he still felt like he had to compensate for something. He felt like he had made a mistake earlier without quite being able to name it.

Shou didn’t reply, which Yutaka took as a sign that he didn’t want to talk during the movie.

He was probably right to pay attention, because the plot seemed somewhat confusing. It didn’t seem exactly good, either. Hyde and Gackt were looking cool on screen. They weren’t professional actors, though. Yutaka wondered, if thinking that made him a bad fan. It was fun to see their interaction, though.

Next to him Shou shifted his weight.

He adjusted the laptop on his knees, but didn’t move away from Yutaka. Their lower arms were still touching. A very warm feeling was creeping through Yutaka’s body from the point where their skin was touching. His chest felt warm with happiness.

What made the touch feel so good was that Shou wasn’t exactly the type for physical contact. Of course, he horsed around with the rest of them and even clapped people on the back and the shoulders a lot. But Yutaka had noticed, that the touch usually had to take place on Shou’s terms. He only touched his friends when he was able to pull back again. Leaning into someone was something Yutaka hadn’t even observed him doing with the girls he had been into. The fact that he was able to let his body rest against Yutaka so casually proved that Shou had to feel very much at ease around him. The thought made Yutaka feel giddy and proud and even made his stomach clench a bit, just because it meant he was special.

The sensation of Shou’s arm had distracted him from the dialogue on screen for a moment and he felt like they had already lost him. Somehow, the whole plot was confusing. The only thing he knew for certain was that Hyde and Gackt were acting weird around each other. There were too many gazes and too much touching. Not that male friends couldn’t touch each other without it being weird, but something was off in this case. If one of them had been a woman, Yutaka would have assumed they were in love. But the fact that they were both men made it more confusing. Technically, he knew that men could be in love with other men, but it just wasn’t part of his personal lifeworld, so he wasn’t sure if he was reading the signs correctly.

He wondered, if Shou was noting anything weird about the direction the movie was taking, too. If so, Yutaka should probably address it. It would be weird, if they just sat here together, alone at Shou’s apartment with no one else around, watching a gay movie. God knew how explicit the movie might get. He didn’t want to sit here in silence with Shou, watching two men kiss. If he pointed it out, though, they could laugh at it and it would no longer be an issue.

On the other hand, if Yutaka did point to it and he was just imaging the tension, it would make him look really weird. It would make him look like he wanted Hyde and Gackt to be gay, like he was fantasizing about them.

He tried to picture what it would be like, if they actually started to make out on screen. The thought made him grow hot all over. It wasn’t an appalling image. Did that mean there was something wrong with him? They had joked about it earlier. But that had been an unprovable truth. If Shou thought Yutaka was wishing for the movie to include some explicitly gay scenes, that would be a true truth. It was something entirely different.

Yutaka figured, that the safest thing was to pretend he didn’t notice anything. He didn’t even know why it bothered him so much. Just something about the idea, that those two men they admired so much could be openly gay for each other in a movie, made his heart beat very quickly. He felt like he was running. Why was he being so weird about this?

The scene changed. Yutaka wasn’t really able to follow the plot. He just knew that the next scene was somehow suggestive as well.

“God”, Shou groaned next to him. “Just kiss him already, dude.”

For a moment, Yutaka felt completely irritated, then he burst out laughing. It was a high, nervous laughter that resulted mostly from relief.

“Right?”, he agreed hastily. He was glad Shou had put it out there. He was glad it wasn’t just him. “The sexual tension in this is ridiculous.”

“Just do us all a favour and get it on already! It’s painful to watch!”, Shou accused the laptop passionately.

Yutaka continued chuckling. Once again, he had to admire Shou for how easily he addressed the subject. He didn’t seem uncomfortable at all to admit he would prefer getting a proper love scene, just like he hadn’t been shy to admit that his attraction towards Gackt at least didn’t outright exclude a sexual perspective. It was refreshing.

“Yeah, they should be doing it properly or not at all”, Yutaka agreed. “They’re both handsome after all. No one could blame them.”

“Exactly”, Shou said. “With their looks, it’s no wonder they want to fuck each other.”

Yutaka’s mouth felt dry. He licked his lips as if that would actually help.

He was irritated that Shou had put it that plainly. He agreed with him, obviously. He couldn’t blame any man for being attracted to Hyde. He hadn’t exactly pictured them having sex, though. At least when it came to the kind of stuff people did in porn, Shou was a lot more urbane than him. Once again, he felt like a silly child, although he knew that he was in fact more experienced than Shou. The few times he had had sex with his ex-girlfriend didn’t really make him feel like an expert, though. Since their breakup about a year ago, he hadn’t even dated anyone at all. He told himself that he just hadn’t met any girl that sparked his interest meanwhile and not that he had lost his mojo.

“Right”, he said.

For a while, they just watched in silence. Yutaka tried to picture Hyde and Gackt having sex. Somehow, he couldn’t.

“How …?” He broke off, because he had to gather all of his courage for the question. He didn’t want Shou to think of him as stupid and immature, but he was too curious to keep to himself. “How do you think they would do it? The fucking, I mean.”

He wasn’t just genuinely wondering about the technical aspect. What he was really curious about was rather if Shou had actually thought about it that much. He wanted to know if he had an answer to the question more than he wanted to hear the answer. He also wondered, what Shou’s real opinion was on the gay sex matter. The true truth, not one that was unprovable.

“I’m pretty sure Gackt would go on top”, Shou said matter-of-factly.

Yutaka burst out laughing, but rather with surprise, because Shou had obviously thought it through so much already, that he had missed the basicness of the question. Yutaka felt embarrassed to clarify, but somehow Shou’s self-assured answer also put him at ease.

“No, I mean. Doesn’t it hurt? I just can’t imagine it to be very pleasant to have something shoved up your ass like that.”

They were both still looking at the screen without bothering to pause the movie. At least right now, Yutaka was pretty glad he didn’t have to meet Shou’s eyes.

“Well, they always seem to enjoy anal in AVs”, Shou said. He paused. “I mean, the women. The women seem to enjoy it. I don’t watch gay porn.”

For the first time today, he sounded insecure, almost stuttering as if he finally worried about Yutaka getting the wrong idea. Eventually, he cleared his throat.

“Plus, gay men also have sex. I assume they wouldn’t, if it didn’t feel good.” He said that a lot more confidently, as if he was glad to have found a reasonable answer to Yutaka’s question that should have been obvious all along. Yutaka felt silly for not taking that into consideration right away. He just hadn’t thought about it before. Sex was something you did with girls. There was just no reason to think about sex with guys.

“And I guess if it’s just the kissing and stuff, it doesn’t really make a difference anyway”, Yutaka added. He wanted to prove that he could also be openminded.

Shou stayed silent instead of answering right away.

“You want to try?”, he finally asked.

“Kissing?”, Yutaka assured. His voice came out high and thin. He sounded ridiculous.

“Yeah”, Shou said, like it wasn’t a big deal at all.

“Sure”, Yutaka said. He tried to match Shou’s indifferent tone of voice, but he didn’t feel calm at all. He wasn’t even sure why he agreed to it, except he didn’t want Shou to think of him as a prudish bore. Sure, Yutaka could kiss guys. When it came to Shou, he always tried to act tougher than he really was.

Shou paused the movie. Somehow, that made it feel very official.

Slowly Yutaka turned his head. Shou was already facing him.

Yutaka realized that he didn’t mind the thought of kissing Shou at all. He was cool and handsome and looking at his plum lips made Yutaka’s stomach take somersaults.

“Have you ever kissed a guy before?”, Shou asked.

Although he was facing Yutaka, he kept his eyes cast down.

Briefly Yutaka considered lying to make himself look more experienced. He wondered, if Shou had ever kissed one of their common friends before.

“No”, he said softly.

“Me neither”, Shou admitted.

Yutaka felt all warm and somehow fluffy inside. Like someone was bloating pink cotton candy on his inside.

So, this was something only he was allowed to do. It would bring him closer to Shou than all of their other friends. For some reason, Yutaka wanted to be his number one.

“Cool”, Yutaka said, although it didn’t really make sense in this context.

He turned some more, but the position remained awkward. Shou shifted too, but he didn’t take the laptop down from his legs either. Yutaka had never understood how you were supposed to kiss properly when sitting next to each other. No matter how much he turned, his shoulder still seemed to get in the way. He also didn’t know where to put his arm. He considered putting his hand on Shou’s neck or his shoulder, but than a touch like that would have felt too invasive. He didn’t want to seem too into the kiss. They were just trying for fun after all, like boys did.

He leaned in further, hesitantly bringing his face closer to Shou. He kept his head tilted and closed his eyes. A nasty voice at the back of his head asked what would happen, if he missed Shou’s lips, because he wasn’t able to navigate properly in this position and how embarrassing that would be. He had never worried about this with girls before, although he had kissed them in similarly awkward positions.

His mouth was so close to Shou, that he could sense his breath. Yutaka could feel his own heartbeat in his temples.

He paused for a moment, but realized Shou wouldn’t close the distance between them. He had suggested it, but he didn’t have the courage to take the first step. He was probably overthinking right now.

Yutaka leaned in and kissed him on the lips gently. Shou’s lips were soft and dry, resting against his own briefly.

Then Yutaka pulled back, but only for a few centimetres. So, he had kissed Shou. And it had felt nice. Very nice indeed, but he wasn’t sure if they were done yet. They had agreed on kissing, but he didn’t know what that entailed. Their kiss just now had felt almost chaste. Maybe Shou had expected more, but Yutaka also didn’t want to force it on him. He had taken the first step, now he was waiting for Shou’s decision.

A few seconds passed and Yutaka thought that time had never felt this slow to him before.

Then Shou leaned in and kissed Yutaka back. His lips were still gentle but a little more urging than Yutaka had dared to be. Under the pressure, Yutaka hesitantly parted his lips just a bit to test out where they were going. He sensed Shou’s tongue sliding in between his lips and lifted his own to meet him. It wasn’t heated but entirely hesitant. The tips of their tongues brushed against each other somewhere between Yutaka’s parted lips.

A shudder went through Yutaka’s body violently the moment he sensed Shou’s wet tongue against his own. It felt surprisingly rough and so alive and so completely different from any other sensation than kissing that it was hard to compare it to anything in the first place.

The sheer intensity took Yutaka by surprise, though. He didn’t have any specific thoughts, but a hot sensation shot through his spine as if his body was reacting completely on its own. Blood rushed downwards and then Yutaka realized that he had a sudden, unwarranted boner just from feeling Shou’s tongue against his own.

Shou pulled back, for good this time. Their tongues hadn’t been entangled. They had merely brushed each other.

Yutaka shifted his weight, desperately hoping he would be able to hide his pants tenting this way.

He wondered, if Shou had also gotten aroused by their kiss. A part of him hoped so, because it would make him less weird and it would also be less embarrassing in case Shou happened to notice. But at the same time, he also hoped that it was just him, because if both of them were turned on by it, it would put a weird pressure on them to continue.

Maybe Yutaka really hadn’t kissed a girl in far too long already.

He looked at Shou, who was still avoiding to meet his eyes directly. Red dots were showing on his cheeks, the fair hair was falling onto his forehead and he was smiling shyly. Yutaka thought that Shou’s shy smile was nothing but gorgeous. It gave him a very strange dimple and his lips looked puffy and he wasn’t hiding his teeth nor displaying them; they were just part of his beautiful, embarrassed smile.

Maybe Yutaka just liked kissing him, though.

“Not so bad”, Shou observed. He kept his eyes cast down.

Yutaka kept staring at him.

“Stop looking at me like that”, Shou said.

“Like what?”, Yutaka asked.

“Like you’ve never seen me before”, Shou mumbled and turned his head away.

“It’s just …” Yutaka broke off. He didn’t know how to explain that he had indeed never seen Shou before, at least not as someone you could kiss. “You’re cute.”

“No need to sound so surprised”, Shou huffed. He turned away completely, facing the laptop again. The gesture clearly signalled that they were done here.

“Well, it really wasn’t bad”, Yutaka said and turned as well. He let his arms slide down to his lap to make sure he covered the bulge at his crotch. “That means it really doesn’t make a difference. Or you just kiss like a girl.”

He had meant to joke it off that way, but as soon as the words were out, they just sounded weird to him. Even Yutaka couldn’t tell how he had meant them.

Shou scoffed and adjusted the laptop on his knees before pressing play again. The movie continued as if nothing had happened.

Yutaka’s mind was spinning.

It felt like his whole world had just changed and Shou just brushed it off. You could kiss guys like you could kiss girls. And if Yutaka had wanted to kiss any of his male friends, it would have been Shou all along. Because he was so funny and talented and kind and sweet and smart and his lips were so soft. But if it felt this good and if both of them had liked it, why did they stop?

Yutaka stared at the screen and couldn’t help resenting the movie a little. He wanted to kiss Shou again.

The dialogue still felt like a lame excuse to film suggestive scenes between Hyde and Gackt only. If anything, it suddenly seemed worse.

Yutaka looked at Hyde with new eyes. He was really pretty. He thought of kissing him. This time, he imagined it easily. Kissing him must feel great. Yutaka pictured him with the long dark hair he had cut off by now. He imagined entangling his fingers in it to pull him close while they kissed. Hyde seemed so fragile, holding him in his arms wouldn’t feel that different from holding a girl. Shou was built differently. He was small, too, but stouter. Running his hands down Shou’s chest would certainly feel different, more solid.

Yutaka swallowed and tried to focus on Hyde again.

Hyde was objectively more handsome. It was normal to have somewhat of a guy crush on him. Shou might be the coolest person in his friend group, but obviously he couldn’t compare to a handsome rockstar like Hyde.

Shou moved and his lower arm came to rest against Yutaka’s again. His skin felt so warm. Yutaka’s body felt strange, almost feverish. The touch also felt nice, though.

Maybe if he just shifted his weight a little, their upper arms would touch, too. Yutaka shuffled a little closer to Shou, trying to make it seem like he was only adjusting his position.

Shou sat very still.

Their arms were touching from their shoulders down to their elbows now. That weird cotton candy feeling filled Yutaka’s stomach again.

He tilted his head ever so slightly to bring it closer to Shou.

He could smell his shampoo. It smelled strongly, pungent and of chemistry. It smelled like Shou had started buying the cheapest soap he could find since he had moved out. But underneath that, there was the faintest hint of something else, something like warm skin and a note that was just Shou.

Yutaka’s dick grew a little harder.

Now, this was ridiculous. Getting aroused by a kiss was one thing. But his dick really had no business reacting to Shou’s body odour like this.

“What are you doing?”

Yutaka startled. That was probably his own fault for sniffing his friend like this.

“You, uh, smell nice”, he said dumbfoundedly and backed off while being careful not to break their touch.

“Okay”, Shou said slowly.

It could have sounded sarcastic, but the fact that he kept looking at the laptop so deliberately made him seem tense instead.

Yutaka licked his lips and tried to focus on the movie again. Maybe Shou would want to discuss the story afterwards. It would be pretty embarrassing if it turned out he hadn’t followed the plot at all. From what he gathered, there was some kind of gang war going on, Hyde was a vampire and there was a lot of badly concealed sexual attraction going on. It was all very confusing. The current scene took place in someone’s bedroom. Gackt was upset for some reason Yutaka had missed entirely.

Shou moved his hand. The back of it fell against the back of Yutaka’s hand.

Yutaka’s pulse was rushing through his ears so loudly, it was drowning out Gackt’s voice.

During a regular movie date with a girl, this would have been a clear sign. And Shou wasn’t one, who just allowed body contact to happen. With him, it was usually choreographed.

His mouth felt incredible dry as Yutaka hesitantly started to move his fingers to rub them against the back of Shou’s hand.

He had to use his entire concentration on it. It was supposed to feel casual, so that he could play it off as an accidental touch, if Shou pulled back. Yet it was meant to be sensual enough to be understood as an invitation, if Shou wanted it to be.

Yutaka’s heart was beating violently as he kept hoping that Shou wouldn’t pull back.

Very hesitantly Shou’s fingers started to move against his own. It was an incredibly light, playful caress. Yutaka no longer paid attention to the movie at all. He didn’t pay attention to the room around them nor to the rest of his body. It was like his entire being was concentrated only in his hand and where Shou’s fingers stroked his own was the only point where he could feel at all.

He was breathing so heavily, that he was scared Shou could hear it. Hell, he was scared Shou’s neighbour could hear it.

He slipped his fingers in between Shou’s, which was weird, because their hands were still back-to-back. Shou allowed it to happen without looking away from the screen.

Yutaka knew that he could no longer take it. There was no way he would sit through another hour of this movie, when all he could think of was kissing Shou again.

He swallowed soundly. Shou could definitely hear that.

He realized that he had never had to make a move at someone before while being this insecure about their reaction. Yutaka had been with quite a number of girls already, at least when it came to kissing. But their meetings in private only ever took place after the confession.

Yutaka didn’t know, if Shou wanted to be kissed. He didn’t seem to mind awkwardly holding hands during a movie, but that didn’t mean he was up for making out with Yutaka. Maybe he would be taken aback. Maybe holding hands was only his truth as long as he didn’t have to prove it any further. It might all just be a joke to him, a hesitant kiss alright, but that would change, as soon as Yutaka came on too strongly.

Yutaka had no way of foretelling his reaction. But he also knew that he didn’t have the patience to just wait it out.

With an almost violent motion he leaned in and kissed Shou on the cheek, because it was the only part of his face which he could access easily without risking to throw over the laptop. He had gone in too violently and he almost clashed into Shou, but he made sure he couldn’t miss his intention.

“Yutaka, don’t”, Shou protested and flinched back immediately, pulling away his hand as well.

Yutaka went cold.

“Sorry”, he stuttered. So, he had misread the signals. And Shou would think he was weird. Shou would think Yutaka was a weird homo. He would tell all their friends, but even worse, he would feel uncomfortable in Yutaka’s presence from now on, and they would never meet in private again and Shou would keep his distance when they met in a group and Yutaka would lose him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it weird. I …”

Shou stopped the movie. It paused at an irritating still where Hyde seemed to cradle Gackt’s head.

“It’s not that”, Shou said and raised his hand. He seemed insecure whenever to wave it off or if he wanted to cup his cheek where Yutaka had kissed him. “I just can’t. I’m …” He broke off. “I’m so inexperienced.” He was nearly whispering. “I don’t want to embarrass myself.”

Yutaka furrowed his brow.

He didn’t know what Shou thought he wanted to do to him. He knew for certain that Shou had kissed girls before. He assumed that most of the touching so far had taken place fully dressed for him admittedly, but it wasn’t like Shou had never dated anyone before.

“You won’t”, Yutaka said soothingly, but he felt insecure, because he didn’t have anything else to say. He couldn’t give Shou any good reason why he wouldn’t. He didn’t even understand his worry in the first place.

But oddly enough, just that seemed to be enough for Shou.

He nodded and then took the laptop off his legs with slow, deliberate motions. He placed it on the floor awkwardly and it felt almost like a ceremony. For some reason Yutaka’s dick took that as a cue to bring itself back to attention. Probably because it knew what was supposed to happen next.

“Maybe you could …?”, Yutaka suggested and gestured towards the futon shyly. He didn’t want to make this feel even more formal than it already did, but sitting was just not a good position for kissing.

Shou chuckled and Yutaka noticed his cheeks colouring again. His blush always showed easily, probably because he was so pale.

“Yeah, I know”, he agreed and let himself sink onto his back, looking up at Yutaka expectedly.

Yutaka’s heart was racing again. Shou was spread out on the futon, all blushing and waiting for him. It looked like a kinky fantasy he had never dared to have. He couldn’t believe he was really allowed to kiss Shou. The Shou, whom he admired so much. Yutaka had felt nervous and eager to even be his friend and now he was allowed to get so much closer to him. Yutaka got excited at the prospect of being allowed to kiss him, but even more did he get excited by the knowledge, that Shou trusted him, that he wanted to kiss Yutaka, that Yutaka got the opportunity to prove he could make him feel good.

Awkwardly Yutaka bent over Shou. Lying on his back didn’t seem like the perfect position any longer. It was almost impossible to get on top of him without touching him everywhere. But Yutaka didn’t know what their agreement included. Was it just kissing? Was it touching, too? Soft caresses above waistline? Heatedly pressing their bodies together from head to toe?

He knelt down sideways, not daring to straddle Shou, and bent down. He had to place his hand next to Shou’s head to support his weight and not tumble down on top of him. He was careful not to touch his shoulder, though. He lingered over Shou, going out of his way to not let their bodies touch anywhere.

Carefully he lowered himself, stopping halfway through the motion.

Was he really just supposed to kiss Shou? He wished they would have talked about it either less or more beforehand. It would be better, if it had happened more naturally, with both of them getting carried away by the heat of the moment. Or alternatively, if they had agreed on what both of them expected from this more explicitly. But the way it was, Yutaka wasn’t sure how to get started at all.

He was about to sit up again to voice his doubts, when Shou reached up and grabbed his neck.

His fingers were strong and bony and felt very warm. He pulled Yutaka down with a firm grip and then his lips were on Shou’s again.

Shou pressed up into the kiss and this time, Yutaka parted his lips right away. Shou slipped his tongue into his mouth and Yutaka realized, that his former hesitation hadn’t been due to his insecurity about the kissing, but only because of his worry regarding Yutaka’s reaction.

He let himself sink into the kiss, suddenly caring a whole lot less if their bodies were touching or not.

Shou’s hand ran up his neck to the back of his head, entangling in his hair. It felt like he was trying to hold on to him for dear life and his grip was secure yet he refrained from pulling Yutaka’s hair. He managed to be oddly possessive and considerate at once, and his lips were demanding and soft.

Yutaka felt dizzy and he wasn’t sure if he was even breathing properly. He figured they were catching their breath in between, but their lips never parted for long enough for him to notice, or maybe he was only ever aware of his own lips as long as they were kissing Shou.

He put his hand on Shou’s shoulder, trailing down the side of his body. Although he wasn’t outright exercising, Shou stayed fit somehow and his body felt as solid and firm as Yutaka had imagined it would. He paused at his waist and even there he could sense the muscles shifting, because Shou kept squirming underneath him as if he didn’t know what to do with all his energy or how to get closer to Yutaka.

Yutaka came up, finally gasping for air.

“I like this”, he said.

“Huh?” Shou looked flushed and his eyes kept trailing off past Yutaka. He was still holding on to the back of his head.

“I like the way you kiss me. And how you cup my head”, Yutaka explained, his voice trailing off, because it suddenly dawned on him, that it was a stupid thing to say. Shou had seemed so insecure earlier that he had thought it would be nice to let him know just how amazing he made Yutaka feel, but it was weird and he should have kept shut.

“Thanks”, Shou whispered and finally looked at him.

Yutaka realized that it was the first time today Shou actually met his eyes and that probably meant he had done something right. His eyes were naturally dark, but right now they seemed practically black. They still managed to look warm somehow and Yutaka thought that he had never felt this seen before. His heart took a small leap.

Then Shou pulled him down again and they were back to kissing.

Without breaking the touch Yutaka let himself sink backwards, pulling Shou with him, who met his motions uncharacteristically fluently. They were both lying on their sides now, their bodies not quite touching except for their mouths and hands.

Shou let go of Yutaka’s hair, running his hand down his back, nearly wrapping his arm around his shoulders.

Yutaka trailed his hand across Shou’s hips. Even with the clothes covering his skin, the outline of his body alone felt new and exciting already.

This time it was Shou who pulled back. He was still so close it was hard to get a good look at his face, though.

Yutaka realized that his lips felt sore and swollen, but he didn’t mind at all. He just wanted to go back to kissing Shou.

“Can I …?”, Shou whispered. He said something else too, but his voice turned so quiet, that Yutaka could not understand him. He was creating so little noise that he was basically just mouthing the words with a soft exhale.

“What?”, Yutaka said. His voice sounded too loud in his own ears in comparison.

Shou chuckled, but it sounded a little helpless.

He pushed himself up, bringing his lips close to Yutaka’s ear. He had to bent over him for that.

“Can I touch your dick?”, Shou whispered very quietly, his warm breath tickling Yutaka’s ear.

Yutaka felt surprised that Shou would be so embarrassed about the question that he could only whisper it. He might be insecure, but it wasn’t the same as being shy, which he usually wasn’t.

Shou pulled back and nodded over to the wall next to them.

“The neighbours”, he whispered.

Yutaka understood and chuckled in return. Of course, the walls of Shou’s apartment were so thin, they had to keep quiet. Somehow, that made it even more exciting. Yutaka felt like giggling, but he wasn’t sure if it was because they had to keep what they were doing secret, or because he felt all bubbly inside and overflowing with happiness in general.

He nodded, although the proposal made him a little nervous. His cock was throbbing by now, but he did not longer feel embarrassed for being fully hard already. If Shou had just slipped his hand down his body, he wouldn’t have minded, but knowing he was going to do it in advance made him nervous, even if he didn’t think Shou would be shocked by the state he was in.

“I want to know what it feels like”, Shou whispered. He was far better at keeping his voice down than Yutaka was. His voice was barely audible, yet Yutaka understood every word. As close as he felt to Shou right now, he was almost inclined to believe in telepathy.

He sensed Shou’s hand travelling down his body, dancing down his chest so lightly, that he was hardly touching him at all.

Yutaka realized he was tensing up, nervous about what would happen next. He wasn’t sure where exactly they were going with this, but he also knew that as long as it was Shou, he wouldn’t be able to deny him anything.

Shou’s hand found his crotch and his touch turned from playful to firm fast. He didn’t need to fumble around as if he had known where he was going all along.

Yutaka gasped when he sensed Shou cupping his hard cock through his pants, realizing too late he was supposed to keep his voice down. Just saying that he felt the touch didn’t do it enough justice.

“It feels good”, he whispered breathlessly.

Shou laughed very quietly. His suppressed giggle was endearing.

“I knew it would feel good for you, idiot”, he scolded under his breath, slowly starting to rub Yutaka through his pants.

His moans came out in a small whimper, because he tried to keep his voice down so desperately.

“I was wondering if I would enjoy touching you like this”, Shou clarified.

It occurred to Yutaka that this was his cue to ask if he did, but he didn’t dare to get the words out. If Shou realized he was taken aback by his dick, that might mean he would stop kissing Yutaka too, and he was by no means prepared for that.

Obviously, he didn’t need to worry about that though, because Shou leaned in again and kissed him with full force, as if he wanted to swallow up the small signs escaping from Yutaka’s lips. But not only that; moreover, did Shou’s hand crawl upwards and Yutaka sensed him nestling with the button of his jeans. Shou seemingly wasn’t done with exploring new territory yet.

It made Yutaka realized, that he was, in fact, curious as well. The thought of Shou’s hard cock got him surprisingly excited. He didn’t dare to just reach down, though. Shou had asked for permission first after all. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it either.

He shifted his weight, trying to slip his leg in between Shou’s thighs.

Shou seemed to understand what he was getting at, because he lifted his leg, throwing it over Yutaka’s body. Almost instinctively, Yutaka rolled back, his arm still around Shou’s waist, pulling him along.

Suddenly, he was the one on his back, Shou somehow half on top of him. His left leg was draped across Yutaka, and against his thigh, he could sense Shou’s erection pressing into him though their clothes.

His body reacted to the sensation with new, surprising intensity. His brain didn’t even register it as something unexpectedly arousing, when his own dick was already twitching in his pants. He couldn’t recall if his first physical intimacy with a girl had been this intense as well. But then - even if it made him feel like a horrible jerk – he had never thought as highly of any of his ex-girlfriends as he thought of Shou.

He inhaled deeply, trying to savour Shou’s smell underneath that violent stench of cheap soap.

Their kiss had been broken for a second, but Shou found his lips again quickly. His weight was on Yutaka’s chest, which was uncomfortable but he didn’t care enough to adjust their position. He was too greedy to keep kissing Shou and run his hand down his body, so he didn’t want to break their touch for even a second.

His left arm was buried underneath Shou, so he couldn’t use it and it was moreover starting to fall asleep. The right hand, that had rested on Shou’s waist before, was roaming his thigh now. Yutaka had allowed himself to trail the curve of Shou’s fine ass down to where his leg was resting on Yutaka’s lap. He stroked up and down his thigh, which had always been one of his favourite body parts about Shou. It felt so surreal, that he was just allowed to touch it so freely in a tender, sexual way, he had to reassure that it was actually there under his palm and wouldn’t suddenly disappear. The fabric of his jeans felt rough and was warming up under his hand. Yutaka had no idea, if it was Shou’s increasing body heat seeping through the cloth, or if he was awkwardly rubbing it warm.

Shou moaned into his mouth, grinding himself against Yutaka’s thigh. Even just his voice caught between their lips was an arousing sensation somehow.

Shou was finally done with unbuttoning Yutaka’s pants and he shuddered, as he sensed his warm fingers brush against a line of bare skin on his abdomen.

He gave a small protesting sound, that was meant to indicate that maybe they should slow down, but also that he wanted Shou to slow down by no means. Shou shushed him with another kiss.

Yutaka thought that it was weird they were just rushing into this. He would have liked for them to take off their shirts at least first. He would have liked to run his hands all over Shou’s bare chest, to play with his nipples, that seemed to be just a little too close together. He would have liked to kiss down his neck, that was weirdly wide to carry his enormous head, and to softly bite into his funnily folded ears. He knew all those parts of Shou’s anatomy from watching them just a little too closely as he realized only now. But all that he had kissed so far were Shou’s lips and the only bit of skin he had touched was on Shou’s lower arms. It would be better if they slowed down and explored each other’s bodies properly.

Yet all the same, his cock was begging to be touched and he really had no intention to talk Shou out of doing so.

He sensed him fumbling with the waistband of his boxers kind of clumsily and unable to get a good angle to slip his hand underneath. His movements seemed to turn more frantic, possibly with impatience.

Yutaka chuckled into their kiss. His lips curled up and it made kissing feel weird and giddy, but he noted surprised, that it was possible to keep kissing even when you were laughing.

Shou joined in with his laughter, making their teeth click together and the whole kiss turned sloppy and awkward and it wasn’t so much a kiss anymore as just their mouths staying linked together and Yutaka thought that it would be nice to stay like this always, breathing, laughing, talking through the kiss, just so they would never have to part.

Along with his laughter, Shou’s movements slowed down as well and his fingers finally managed to slip in under the waistband.

Yutaka’s chest heaved violently as Shou’s fingers touched his dick. He moaned into Shou’s lips and for a moment, Shou broke the kiss as if he couldn’t resist the urge to hear Yutaka’s voice.

Since he had reached into his pants from above and Yutaka was still fully dressed, it was hard for him to get a proper grip on his erection. He managed to nestle his fingers around the base though and caress him with small strokes, for which he was forced to jerk his arm rather than just flick his wrist in this position. It was clear that he was still searching for a good angle, just testing the feeling of Yutaka’s cock under his hand for now rather than intending to get him off yet.

Yutaka felt guilty for not being able to keep his voice down, but Shou’s touch felt so good, it made him lose control of his vocal cords. His whole body felt strange and feverish like it was possessed by a force that didn’t belong to himself.

Shou kissed his cheek sloppily, but Yutaka wasn’t sure, if he was meaning to caress his face or had just missed his lips, either way he didn’t seem to care. He turned his head further and then Shou’s cheek was against his own and Yutaka could hear his breath in his ear loud and clear. Shou was panting as aroused as if it was him getting touched and Yutaka thought it was the sexiest thing he had ever heard and then he was already flooded with bliss.

He spilled himself right into his pants, before Shou had even figured out how to take him into his hand properly.

For a moment, he felt amazing and white stars seemed to sparkle behind his eyelids. Then he realized what had happened and his eyes felt burning hot. He was scared he was going to cry with embarrassment.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry”, he whispered. “I wasn’t meaning to … ah, shit.”

“Hey”, Shou said gently and pulled his hand back from Yutaka’s pants, sitting up. Instead of sliding off him, he climbed on his lap properly and leaned over to reach for something behind Yutaka.

He pulled up a box of tissues that he kept suspiciously close to where he was usually sleeping.

He grabbed a tissue and started to wipe off his hand as if it was the most natural matter in the world. He didn’t seem exactly bothered by what had just happened.

Yutaka was sure that his face was bright red.

“Sorry”, he repeated sheepishly, although he wasn’t even sure what he was apologizing for. That he had dirtied Shou? That he hadn’t given him a warning? That he had ended it, before they had even gotten started properly?

He decided that it was probably the latter. He was scared that this was it now. Maybe Shou had sated his curiosity and Yutaka had wasted his only chance of ever exploring his body properly by getting too excited.

“No worries”, Shou said and bent down, placing a light kiss on Yutaka’s lips. It was tender this time, and reminded Yutaka of just how sore and swollen his lips felt from all the kissing.

The short peck filled him with relief, though. It meant they weren’t done with kissing entirely yet.

Awkwardly, Shou climbed off Yutaka’s lap, scrambling to his knees besides him. He gestured towards Yutaka’s lower body region.

“You might want to clean yourself up in the bathroom, though, before it stains.”

Irritated Yutaka nodded and sat up a bit too hastily. He still felt silly, cumming too quickly and now needing a reminder like this. Shou really had to think of him as young and inexperienced, although it was Yutaka, who had actually had sex before. He was dizzy anyway. Shou made him feel like a complete beginner, nervous and clumsy and overly excited.

“Yes, sure, you’re right”, he stuttered and got up, entering Shou’s bathroom. It was one of those tiny ones, where you had to fold in the sink to even use the toilet at all.

Yutaka shut the door behind himself, although it felt pointless. In the small apartment, Shou would be able to hear the water running and everything anyway. He just craved a moment of privacy to collect himself.

He checked on his reflection in the mirror briefly. His hair was tousled. He’d been growing it for quite a while now, claiming he wanted to look more like a bandman, although they weren’t even playing in a band currently and he had pretty much given up on practicing the guitar altogether. It was just, that Shou always wore his hair long and liked the kind of artists who did and somehow, Yutaka had wanted to live up to his ideas of a cool guy.

His lips looked swollen. Licking them slowly, they felt puffy and vulnerable under his tongue. He had hoped they would taste like Shou, but honestly, they tasted like nothing at all.

Yutaka averted his eyes. He was too annoyed with himself to keep looking at his reflection.

Instead, he pulled down his pants and started wiping himself clean with some toilet paper. He wished he had taken the softer tissues with him, because of course, Shou only owned the cheapest kind of toilet paper.

He looked down on the remaining stains on the fabric of his boxers. Luckily, a lot of his load had went onto Shou’s hand, but that was only a small comfort.

He decided that it was to no avail and stripped down completely from the waist down. He felt ridiculous standing in Shou’s tiny bathroom like this.

He started cleaning his boxers in the sink, careful not to wet more of the fabric than was necessary, because he would have to put them back on. He considered just going without underwear, but that would feel weird as well. He could ask Shou to lend him something, but his pride wouldn’t allow that.

“Fuck”, he whispered, quite sure that Shou wouldn’t be able to hear his voice over the running water. “Fuck!”

He should have been cooler. He should have seduced Shou. He should have stayed on top and kissed him from head to toe. He should have made sure Shou felt so good, he moaned Yutaka’s name without caring if the neighbours heard. He should have been the one to touch Shou first. He should just have done better.

Instead, he had gotten as excited as a thirteen-year-old feeling up his first girlfriend. He couldn’t imagine how lowly Shou must think of him now.

He turned off the water and stood there waiting, as if the fabric would just dry within a minute.

He knew that he made it worse the longer he waited. He desperately hoped Shou would wait for him. That he was sprawled out on the futon, his lips still kiss-swollen, possibly naked and ready for Yutaka to return, so he could make up for what he had gotten wrong before. This time, he would kiss him all over and make him moan and Shou would forget how embarrassedly unskilled Yutaka had acted before.

But more likely, Shou would have changed his mind in the meantime and ask him to leave as soon as he left the bathroom. The chances for that rose the longer he hid in here, giving Shou the opportunity to come to his senses.

It still felt like a mistake that he had kissed Yutaka in the first place. Shou must have fallen for his tough act and thought that Yutaka was someone he was not. He couldn’t imagine someone as interesting and charming as Shou would even think of kissing him otherwise, even if it was just for fun. And now Yutaka had been exposed. Shou would not want to kiss him ever again.

He wondered why it even mattered so much, since he had never thought of kissing Shou before today either. But he had always wanted to be liked by him and he felt like a huge disappointment now.

Since he couldn’t hide forever, he started getting dressed again, though. The underwear stuck to his skin somewhat damp, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as he had expected.

Once more he checked himself in the mirror, straightening out his hair to make sure he looked decent.

Then he opened the door and stepped back into the room. He didn’t know what to expect and braced himself for the worst.

Shou had been lying on the futon, but shot into a sitting position once Yutaka entered. He was nestling with his pants. It took Yutaka a moment to realize he was buttoning up.

His eyes fell on the second tissue crumpled on the floor.

“Did you …?”, he started, the sheer disbelief making him sound ruder than he had intended. “Did you just finish by yourself?”

Shou peeked up at him through his bangs.

“Yeah”, he owned up. “I wasn’t sure if you would still … Is that weird? Was that a weird thing to do?”

He was speaking so quietly and sounded so insecure that it threw Yutaka off for a second.

“Kind of, yes”, he said. “I didn’t think you would just continue without me.”

He tried to speak less harsh this time, but he still felt irritated. It would have been normal for Shou to wait for Yutaka one way or another. If he hadn’t enjoyed their making out, he could have sent him away. But the fact, that he had just jerked off indicated that he had indeed enjoyed himself. So, why hadn’t he just waited for Yutaka to return?

“I’m sorry”, Shou stuttered. “I’m really bad it this. I just didn’t know if you would still be in the mood after finishing yourself. Or if you would even want to touch me in the first place. And if you wanted to, I was sure to get so excited, I wouldn’t … I thought I’d embarrass myself either way, so it would be better to just get it out of the way, before you returned. I didn’t mean to be weird. I’m sorry.”

Shou was talking so fast, his words tumbled into each other until they were barely understandable.

It was strange to see him like this, after he had seemed so secure all day. He had suggested their kissing casually, he had touched Yutaka like he knew what he wanted. He had been the active one and Yutaka had just thought him to be surer than he seemingly was.

He crouched down next to Shou, putting his hand on his shoulder hesitantly.

“It’s okay”, he said soothingly. “You saw how excited I got when you touched me, so let’s just ignore what actually happened and pretend we both acted like professional AV actors instead.”

He expected Shou to laugh at the comment, but instead he sniffled quietly.

“So, you’re not mad at me?”, he made sure.

Yutaka sensed a tightening in his chest. He couldn’t believe Shou would actually be scared of that.

“Of course I’m not mad”, he said softly. “It’s only your loss. If you had waited up for me, I would have taken you in my mouth.”

This time, Shou chuckled.

“Dang it”, he whispered.

They both knew that it was an unprovable truth only, something that was easily said after it was already too late. Yutaka doubted he would have found the courage to go down on Shou when even their kisses still felt so new. He did realize that he was not taken aback by the thought of sucking Shou’s cock, though. In fact, it was rather thrilling.

“Can I …?”, Yutaka asked insecurely and extended his arms.

Shou hesitated, but then he nodded.

Yutaka sat down on the futon and pulled Shou in for a hug. Just like before, the position felt somewhat awkward and like they didn’t really know where to place their limbs. But sensing Shou’s warm body against himself was enough to make Yutaka comfortable.

His eyes fell on the laptop that was still standing where Shou had placed it earlier. The screen showed the still of Hyde holding on to Gackt’s head, at which they had paused the movie.

Yutaka thought how unambiguous that pose would feel, if one of them was a woman. They would easily be identified as lovers by the audience. But since they were both men, it left you with a hint of doubt and some strange unaddressed sexual tension.

And Yutaka wondered, how he would feel, if Shou was a woman. How he would explain the warm feeling he got just from holding him in his arms. All the complicated emotions exploding in his body when Shou had wanted to kiss him. How giddy and nervous and happy he felt in his presence. How he always wanted to be around him and wanted to impress him, and how he thought he was the coolest, funniest, smartest, handsomest and most interesting person he had ever met.

If Shou had been a woman, Yutaka wouldn’t have doubted for a second, that he was in love with him, deeper and more irrevocable than he had ever been in love with anyone else before. But it hadn’t occurred to him before, although it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world.

“Shou?”, he asked quietly. “I think I like you. Like, for real.” He sounded as surprised as he felt about that revelation.

Shou laughed, his body trembling against Yutaka. His head was resting on Yutaka’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I also think you like me”, he agreed.

“Oi!”, Yutaka protested and pinched his arm. He wasn’t sure what answer he had expected. He hadn’t said it out loud so Shou would say it back. He didn’t know if Shou liked him in the same way, or if he had indeed just been curious and horny today. But his answer seemed rude regardless.

“No, I mean, you agreed to kissing me right away”, Shou explained. “Although you’re so clearly out of my league. That means you have to like me.”

“I’m not out of your league!”, Yutaka said immediately. It was weird, that Shou would think that, when it was so very clearly the other way around.

Shou laughed again.

“See, only someone who really likes me would think that.”

“Stupid”, Yutaka scolded and ran his hand through Shou’s hair to ruffle it as punishment.

“Seriously, though. I kind of thought you might, because you’re just always … there.”

Yutaka wasn’t sure what Shou was referring to. That he never missed one of his shows? That he always agreed to hang out with friends, if only he knew Shou would be there? That he had agreed to be in his band right away, even if he didn’t have a musical bone in his body? And that he had not complained when Shou broke up the band to become a comedian instead, but supported him, because he just genuinely wanted Shou to succeed at whatever he chose to attempt?

“Otherwise, I would never have dared to suggest it”, Shou added.

“It seemed quite spontaneous when you suggested the kissing”, Yutaka pointed out.

Shou snorted.

“It wasn’t.”

Yutaka didn’t quite know what to do with that information.

“So, you like me, too?”, he asked.

Shou shrugged and freed himself from Yutaka’s embrace. It seemed as if he wanted to get a better look at him, but he kept staring down into his lap nonetheless.

“I honestly don’t know”, he confessed quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m just bad at this. I only know that I go crazy around you. It’s like I can’t think of anything but touching you when we’re in the same room. I don’t feel that way about anyone else. So, maybe I like you. But maybe we just have the same pheromone wavelength or something and it’s chemistry driving me this crazy. How am I supposed to know, if I like you or if I’m just attracted to you?”

Yutaka smirked and shook his head. He was always baffled at what was going on inside this big head. He knew Shou could be moody and difficult and caught up in his own thoughts, but his mind always remained fascinating. Yutaka didn’t mind, that sometimes, he got tangled up in it.

“That’s fine, too”, he said. “You don’t have to be sure right away. We can just focus on the physical part and see where it goes, if that is what you want.”

Yutaka thought that he would be fine with that. Knowing that Shou liked him at all was great already. Seeing him this insecure put him at ease. At least, he could stop trying to look cool in front of him so hard. Shou obviously didn’t have it together either.

Deliberately Shou shook his head.

“I don’t just want us to make out whenever we meet alone. I mean, I do want that. But I also don’t want you do to it with anyone else. And I want you to keep supporting me and always be at my shows, but not so I can impress you, but so I know there is one person in the crowd who I feel safe with. And when we meet with friends, I want you to always chose to sit next to me. Not so we can steal hidden touches, but because it’s the natural thing to do. I want us to text each other before going to sleep without thinking about it. I don’t know.”

“That sounds a whole lot as if you like me”, Yutaka teased lightly. He couldn’t deny that he felt all warm and cotton candy like inside again.

“I’m just really worried that I’ll ruin it”, Shou owned up. “That I’ll embarrass myself, because I’m just not good at this dating stuff. I’ve never really known how to do it, how to make someone feel appreciated. I can never figure out how to deal with other people. Like just now when I touched myself instead of waiting for you. That was weird. You think I’m cool and talented and all that, that’s why you want to be with me. But once we get closer, you’ll realize that I’m not and that liking me was just a mistake. It scares me.”

“You know what?”, Yutaka asked and reached out to nudge Shou’s chin lightly. He was even more impressed Shou had found the courage to come on to him at all, and moreover this nonchalantly, when he was worrying about all that stuff.

“I don’t think either of us is especially cool. Maybe we should stop trying to pretend.” Yutaka paused. “So, do you want to be my boyfriend, weirdo?”

It felt weird to ask, like they were back in middle school, but then Yutaka hadn’t even considered Shou could be his boyfriend before, so it felt appropriate to put the word out there, just to make sure.

Shou sniffled again and then nodded eagerly.

“You have to promise to meet my eyes at least sometimes, though”, Yutaka joked, because Shou kept staring down into his lap. He really wasn’t good at making eye contact.

“Okay”, Shou mumbled and Yutaka leaned in to place a quick kiss on his lips.

Doing that so casually still felt unfamiliar, but also pretty amazing. He still couldn’t quite believe this extra-ordinary, complicated, gorgeous little creature really wanted to be with him.

He pulled back and Shou smiled that cute, shy smile of his again, with the dimple and the teeth and the slight blush on his cheeks. He met Yutaka’s eyes hesitantly, but looked away again quickly. He seemed happy, though.

“You want to finish that movie?”, Yutaka changed the topic and nodded towards the laptop.

He felt like it might be good for them to get a break from all the emotions between them to sort out their minds for a while.

“Yeah”, Shou agreed, who seemed to feel the same.

He crawled over to grab the laptop and nearly fell over while trying to reach past Yutaka’s legs. It was awkward and pretty adorable.

Yutaka propped up the pillows again and made himself comfortable, creating space for Shou to snuggle up to him.

This time, it was him who took the laptop on his knees and Shou curled up against him and it did no longer feel tense at all.

“Not to sound like the porn addict I am”, Shou mumbled. “But I really hope they’ll bone.”

Yutaka laughed and kissed the top of Shou’s head, before starting the movie again.

He looked at Hyde and Gackt continuing their little charade and he thought, that they seemed very cool and somehow polished. He could imagine them making out on camera and it would look hot and natural. They would undress each other without getting entangled in their clothes and their hair would look tousled but still perfect somehow afterwards. Their position would never be so awkward that someone’s arm fell asleep and no one would cum in their pants. They wouldn’t embarrass themselves and they wouldn’t be weird.

He didn’t envy them.

Absent-mindedly he ran his hand through Shou’s hair. He wondered, what it would be like to be his boyfriend. If it would be more complicated than dating a girl. If they would really manage to just switch from being friends to being lovers this smoothly. If they would have to keep it secret from their friends or if they would be open about it.

They obviously both wanted to be with each other, but alone at Shou’s apartment when they still felt happy and excited, it might just be the easy thing to want. Maybe it was only true for them right now and right here, but wouldn’t hold up in the outside world, when their relationship actually needed to prove itself.

Yutaka inhaled the chemical smell of Shou’s shampoo.

Or maybe, some truths were just so simple that they didn’t need proving at all.

#Golden Bomber #Kiryuuin Shou #Kyan Yutaka #kirikyan #fanfiction #fanfic

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