#alas that's how it always is

[rozaceous]

ok so like, fanowrimo 2023 reflection thus far, since we're actually p close to the halfway mark which is already a terrifying concept.

total word count, i'm at 9.6k (abt 400 words under target for today but i'm probably not done), so yay! but holy schmokes have i not been consistent in output in the last week lmao. via nanowrimo's stats page, which is honestly excellent:

(nov 5th and 9th were rest days, and even tho on the 5th it says 0, i did still outline. ofc some of what i've written i've since scrapped--tho i've p much made up the difference while editing--and i've also done abt 600 words of not-tcba writing bc my brain needed a break.)

building habits is so hard...

and that's really what it is? historically speaking, i'm not a very consistent writer, i'm more motivated by whimsy. having a structured approach where i wake up in the morning and write for an hour has been good for me, but it's also really challenging bc i am a creature of indolence. normally i take ages to think about what's coming up next, and when i write i have the internal editor in my brain constantly giving me feedback on word choice and word frequency, on consonance and where to break the sentence with punctuation or how to re-word it so that the tone is right and making sure that i mention x and do the lead-in for y. at the same time, when i take a lot of time to percolate is usually when i'm able to do 1-2k in one go and it doesn't need any editing after except for typos. (measure twice, write once...)

so breaking it into writing only, and editing separately has been great, but it's still kind of a struggle bc it's still energy expenditure, just in a different form. but i think the other part of why i've always taken so long to write is that i don't have a job where i can just daydream abt my stories, or sneakily write. i have my commute and my lunch, but sometimes i want to think abt literally anything else. in general, i have obligations that take up enough of my mental bandwidth that it can be really hard to also be creative, esp when i have v strong meta-cognition going when i do write.

idk thus far w this project i've really been trying to give myself a lot of grace, and mostly succeeding. but yeah, if mariko is my wish-fulfillment in any sense it's that she has the energy to enact her stubbornness into discipline way more consistently than i do.

[wolfythewitch]

Haircut,,

[turtleblogatlast]

I think a lot about Leo’s tendency to push his way into the spotlight despite clearly being a natural in the shadows. Hell, you could argue that his worst moments are when he’s forcing himself onstage, and his best are when he does things no one notices until it’s already been done.

[welcometogrouchland]

Disgustingly messy and crusty sketch dump but I couldn't get my own terrible theory out of my head and ended up making a bunch of sketches about it. Also at the end a bonus dickbats and Damian doodle bc I was reading an issue of their Batman and Robin run (IDs in Alt)

[skunkes]

old drawings i found and enjoyed while looking for something else

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Preview of the runner up results from this poll. I wish everyone who wanted to see more SVSSS characters from me a merry "I'm So Sorry'.

[chewwypepsicola]

TSC humanization ! my darling son

[strigital]

just... him... 🥺

[wigglebox]

Suptober [Extended] - Day 18 || Royalty 👑

[inkskinned]

it's hard for me to hold anger. it is a terrifying emotion to me - i flinch so easily. i don't like how quickly it spirals out of control. i feel selfish when i cut people off, stand up for myself - i feel like i am making mountains out of molehills.

any time i lash out, i wonder: am i turning into him? i give people too-many-chances, telling others: well, i might have overreacted. i shut down. bite my tongue. i hate that, at some point, i can be goaded into reacting, into letting go. i hate who i am when i'm angry - someone mean, quick-tongued, willing to cut to bone.

i am angry about what happened to me. i am angry about the ways other people saw what was happening and allowed it to continue. i am angry for the ways it was excused. for the ways i never got an apology, nor should i ever expect one. i am angry i let myself get used. i am angry for the ways i wasted my time and the ways i let myself be fooled. i am angry knowing - you don't care what you did to me. i am angry knowing - you'd rather burn apart our connection than actually consider my feelings.

i feel this anger tangled, brewing, constant - that i will never be able to reach a peace about it, because the anger just bristles, flaring in the center of it. i'm terrified of it - what if this is who i really am, and everything else is just veneer? if i really want to main & hurt & tear down until i have rendered the world into ice?

any impulse i have for self-preservation has become shadowed in a strange selflessness instead. maladaptive, i give and give and give, worried that i might be mistaken for someone who would take without asking. i owe so many current friendships to people who accepted my apologies and who gave me second chances - who am i to ever deny someone the right try again? when in the back of my head the kicked dog snarls a warning - she is lying - i turn my head. i tell the dog to shush. i tell the dog not to bite. i say we lie too sometimes. i say we will try to be honest and good and whole and if we are very-perfect, we'll never have to fight. i would rather lie down and accept the blow than be the one wielding the knife.

my sister sighs on the phone with me last night. you always go too far with patience, and let too many people use you.

i am worried i am a creature of extremes. that if i unleash, i will spill out, fill the room with smoke, destroy everything. i sigh too and tell her: well, but i don't wanna be mean.

[nefnefnefnef]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[thekidsarentalright]

im curious so

(and for anyone who may not know, a lead single is technically the first song officially released for an album, so that’s what i went with for each album for this poll!)

[starflungwaddledee]

I have a feeling Starstruck Dee (and perhaps you lol) are gonna go all out in February, pinks and reds, decorating and covering Dreamland with hearts

absolutely!

perhaps in all honestly more likely me than her, but if valentine's day exists she would be SUPER into it for sure, whether she understood it or not. i think she and kirby could be team Friend Hearts Everywhere and every year everybody else just wakes up February 1 to find that even their locked rooms were decorated in the night.

fwiw, i decided that i'll be celebrating this month by posting answers to various starstruck 'ship' prompts i've received! there'll be some comics, some single images, and so on!

i by no means have enough to fill the entire month yet, so i'm still taking suggestions, and i'll attempt to do as many as i can! i'm not sure if i can feasibly maintain One A Day but i'll do my best!

[rapidhighway]

in every fandom im in, i always reach the inevitable point where i make an au that would greatly benefit from me reading the divine comedy. every time. alas, i am lazy

[houseofborgia]

"One thing that I've always said about Juan is that every action that he does is heartfelt and genuine. When it was the war against the French, he was there and he was going to go to war, even though he knew he was going to die. He saw them getting ripped apart, but he was there and he was going to do it. I believe if Lucrezia hadn't come over, he would have led all his troops into death. I don't think there's anything that he's done which was through general cowardice. In terms of his survival, he died how he lived, and that's laudable, in itself." — David Oakes.

[dkettchen]