#all the extras of our depressed teen are great

[a-hundred-jewels]

ptsd made me a hardcore marauders fan for seven months

Ao3

content warning: the following contains discussions of school violence, teen violence, (briefly) domestic violence, mental health issues, depression, and trauma. if any of these are sensitive topics for you, please proceed with caution. in addition, if you feel i've missed a warning, please nicely let me know in the comments.

I don't like Harry Potter. 

Sure, I binge-read the entire series in a bored, undiagnosed-ADHD-induced haze at the age of thirteen, have spent countless hours reading and even writing fanfiction for the series, have followed tumblr tags, listened to playlists, watched youtube videos, and am in the process of very slowly hand-binding myself a copy of A Black Mass Over Highway Ninety, but—

I don't like it, but nevertheless, I was sucked in. 

~

"Some kid overdosed," one of my classmates said. 

"What?" 

"They're clearing the hallways."

Our principal had just come on the loudspeakers to issue a "shelter in place" order, telling us to ignore all bells and stay in our current classroom until he came back on and told us otherwise. I was actually glad, hoping the extra time would allow me to finish my Spanish homework before second period, since I'd spent most of the weekend thinking about the Strictly Come Dancing finals and my King Lear presentation in English class. 

I hardly thought about the order itself—they're extremely common in United State schools, both as drills and as actual occurences. "Shelter in place" originated as a milder verison of going into lockdown where, instead of hiding from a potential shooter, students and teachers must simply not leave the room. In any case, I saw no reason to worry, and set about doing my homework. 

~

In fall of 2022, I started my senior year of high school at the age of seventeen. I was having a rough year—my younger sister's depression was at an all-time high and my mother was recovering from a health scare—but, fandomwise, I was doing great. After all, Our Flag Means Death had come out that spring and I was in love. All I wanted to talk about were the gay pirates, and I even bought myself a "Team Edward" t-shirt with Taika Waititi's face smack in the middle as a "back to school" present. Everything was supposed to get better. 

School sucked, because I went to a big public high school that looked like a prison and had equally-shitty Wifi, my (still undiagnosed) ADHD was worsening, and my grades were getting kind of bad. Even so, for a couple of months, I remained confident that my senior year would be my best one yet.

~

Third period was gym class, meaning I was only about an hour and a half away from the King Lear presentation. Senior year was actually one of the few years where I liked gym, which was awesome. It was just me and six boys, all of whom were nice to me, and our teacher was great. I think we were playing badminton that day, when our principal came on the loudspeakers to say that we were, once again, under a "shelter in place" order. 

We were nonchalant about this, just as we had been in the morning. I cannot stress how desensitized children in the U.S. are to things like this, these days. When my little sister was in elementary school, there was a day when the whole school was put in a "shelter in place" because a man was walking around outside with a bunch of knives. When I was a junior, a boy severely beat up his girlfriend in the school hallway, giving her a concussion and leading to two mass protests. There were violent fights at my town's public schools almost weekly—and all of this is very, very normal. I would go so far as to say that my situation was pretty mild. 

So we sat on the floor and did homework as time crept on, wondering vaguely what was going on, but no moreso than that. Third period ended, and we stayed. It should have been lunch time—we were getting hungry—but there was still no word about the lockdown ending. We stayed. Surely, it could only be another ten minutes or so?

And then, one of my classmates looked up from his phone screen, which was displaying a chat on Discord. 

"Oh my god—someone was stabbed."

~

Before, I get properly started, I'd like to be totally clear: the point of this essay isn't to bash the Harry Potter fandom, not as a whole, and certainly not the sections of it I've been in. I met some incredible people while in my period of rabidly consuming Marauders content, and I don't want to put them down or dishonor the beautiful things they've created with my attitude. I loved my time in the Marauders fandom as much as I could love anything at that point in my life and have nothing but respect for the writers, artists, and tumblrinas who welcomed me into their space. 

All of that being said, I think it's fascinating that I fell into a fandom like this one, particularly when I was doing so badly mentally. My dislike of Harry Potter only increases as I grow, as does my indifference, and, while I understand that's a fairly common sentiment shared among Marauders fans, I also get the impression that nostalgia plays a big part in their participation in the fandom. A Harry Potter- loving, bookworm child grows into a cynical teen, and then into a kind, brilliant adult with a "well, fuck it" attitude towards the world, using their limited free time to take that nostalgia from a childhood book series and write the kind of queer narratives they wish they'd had in adolescence. I could, of course, be wrong, but that's more-or-less how I understood the specific parts of the fandom I was in. (I know pretty much nothing about the tik tok side of the Marauders fandom, so we're just not factoring that in at all). Also, note that I said "adult" before, because the majority of people I interacted with were in their twenties and thirties. Being eighteen at the time and still in highschool, they all seemed at least moderately grown-up and untouchable to me. 

All this to say, once again, that I literally didn't care about Harry Potter until I was almost fourteen and, even then, I only started reading it out of sheer boredom. I have pretty much no nostalgia or happy childhood memories associated with the series—I even skipped large sections of the fourth and seventh books because it irritated me whenever the main characters were fighting with each other. I was, at best, a casual fan. 

There's something comforting, though, about being in such a big fandom, especially when your bad habit of choice is binge-reading smutty fanfiction in order to feel less dead. And, regardless of how I actually felt about Harry Potter , the concrete safety of a completed, unchanging series of books and movies where the author was already widely disliked definitely appealed tome and my less-than-stable life. You don't need to worry about a scandal if they've all already happened and, no matter how hard she tried to on Twitter, Joanne can't actually change the contents of the books. In my world of current fandoms and kind writers and actors all accessible on social media, the fuck-ass Harry Potter fandom was a bit of a refuge. 

So that's why I think it was specifically the Marauders that I got into.

~

I don't actually remember how long we were in that gym. It must have been at least two hours, including the class time beforehand, but I barely remember any of it. I texted my friends, frantically trying to determine that everyone I knew was okay, and I told my parents what was going on. To this day, the thing I am most thankful for is that my sister, who we'll call Tabitha, wasn't there. I don't know what I would have done if she'd been in school that day. The other main thing I remember thinking about was my King Lear presentation, which was supposed to happen right after lunch, and, as the time stretched on, I became more and more worried that I wouldn't get to do it that day. 

Shortly after my classmate saw the Discord messages about the stabbing, a video of the fight was leaked across Snapchat, as well as an image of the wound. We all looked on in horror, including my teacher (who we'll call Mr. Blake). It's objectively horrible to watch footage of a child being stabbed, no matter how grainy the video is, but, so far, we'd received no official information from the school, so this was literally all we had, and it had happened in the same building. Our principal wasn't allowed to make any statements (at least to my understanding) without it going through our superintendant and, for whatever reason, she didn't feel it necessary to get ahead of social media on this. 

I was trapped in a school with thousands of other people, one of whom had just assaulted someone. 

~

The night before my second semester of senior year began, I stayed up past midnight reading Dear Your Holiness by @mollymarymarie fleabag AU where Remus is a priest by day and a local rock musician by night, and Sirius has a popular music magazine. I had also spent much of my winter break listening to a podfic of All The Young Dudes (made it to sixth year) and generally rooting around people's bookmarks and gifts to get out of my head, so it's safe to say that, by the time I got to school in January, my brain was practially deep-fried in this new fandom, and it would only get moreso. 

~

Mr. Blake felt, after an hour or so, that we'd be safer in the boys' locker room. He brought us down through a stairwell I'd never seen before, tucked away in corner of a closet in the gymnasium. I was thrilled by the opportunity to explore and filmed the journey on my phone. It's a weird, haunting video, not just for the grim situation and shadowy rooms, but because I'm so lively behind the camera. We're all fairly upbeat, joking about how big the school is and what things must have been like when it opened. I won't share the video here, as I don't feel like doxing myself, but I did rewatch it in preparation for writing this and it's truly disconcerting to look at the inside of a building I haven't been in for over a year, to hear the voice of a past version of myself and know I'm seeing snapshots of a day that changed me forever. 

All there was to eat in the locker room were these Gatorade protein bars—mine was supposedly cookies and cream flavoured. I still remember the taste, sickly sweet and artificial. On an empty stomach, particularly an overly sensitive autistic one like mine, it was a horrible idea, and I felt sick afterwards, but god, I was so hungry. 

I sent a selfie to my parents and Tabitha, then tried to read fanfiction while listening to one of my classmates talk in what sounded like Hatian Creole with his family on the phone. Boys were constantly being paraded in to use the urinals. The walls were painted concrete blocks, the benches were narrow and hard, and so I sat there. 

~

In February, I spend a weekend binge-reading A Black Mass Over Highway Ninety, which kickstarted an obsession with seventies music and fashion. I read and reread the sex scenes during my final few months of highschool, trying desperately to shut my brain up and keep me from feeling so trapped in my daily life and the school I still attended. I got into the works of @spookymoonie, who was incredibly kind to me, and used to visit and refresh their blog every day to see if they'd (sigh) written more porn. Look, man, it was really good porn. 

On the day of my high school graduation, I got dressed in pants that were too small for me, a shirt that was too big, and a cap and gown that made me look like a walking body bag. I mingled with my friends beforehand, taking pictures with people who I now haven't spoken to in months. The ceremony was long and boring but I'm a sucker for that kind of symbolic stuff, so I kind of liked it. I did say for weeks afterwards, though, that I didn't feel like I'd really graduated until I was cycling home, listening to "Telephone Line" on my tinny iPhone speaker. That was my graduation. 

And I only knew that song from the official Black Mass playlist. 

~

By the time we were finally released from the "shelter in place" and sent for lunch, it had been about three hours since our principal's initial announcement back in third period. There was little fanfare to the whole ordeal, and I don't recall any actual information being given to our parents from the school at this point, either, though I could be misremembering. Our principal simply came on the speakers and told us that the lockdown was up and we were to go for lunch. I had a pre-packaged turkey wrap that day—my mum got them from the store sometimes as a special lunch for me. I'm a vegetarian these days, so I wouldn't eat it regardless, but, even if I weren't, I don't think I could bring myself to eat one of those wraps again, not without remembering. 

We'd only been in lunch for about ten minutes when somebody pulled the fire alarm. I don't know who did it, only that it was a student and there was no fire. I hate the fire alarm for the same reasons I hate all sudden, loud noises, and I was so overwhelmed already that I remember crying as we were paraded out into the parking lots, shivering in the cold, late-December air. I sat on a curb and ate my sandwich, wishing I had left when some of my classmates had, as soon as the "shelter in place" was lifted, or at least that I had my jacket and keys with me so I could get my bike and leave right then. 

The fire drill was over as quickly as it had started and, god, I wish I'd left right then. Just grabbed my shit and got the hell out of there. But, well…my English presentation. 

To anyone with rational mind capabilities, it would be incredibly obvious by now that said English presentation was absolutely not happening. A child had been stabbed, we'd all seen it on video and then been trapped for three hours— King Lear was far from a pressing concern. But I was traumatized and one of my groupmates was leaving the next day, so it felt like an emergency. So long as I was focused on my presentation and the soap opera-like melodrama of the play, I didn't have to think about what was happening around me. 

Anyway, we did nothing English related fourth period, instead sitting in a circle and letting our teacher talk us through how we were feeling. I'm very grateful to her for giving us the space she did to feel our fear and anger without judgement, and I will never forget her telling us that we were to use the teachers' bathrooms for the rest of the day, and if any administrators had a problem with it, they could take things up with her. It might not seem like much, but when the stabbing had occured in a student bathroom, it was really nice for someone to acknowledge that we might be scared. 

Another hour, or so, and the day was over. 

~

I also want to get ahead and make sure I'm not framing my leaving of the Marauders fandom as a particularly good thing, or a good time in my life. I was still depressed and unemployed and, even after I finally got a job in August, I managed to hit several more crushing lows before the end of 2023—I was just reading different fanfiction to cope. At the very least, though, I was reading fic for stuff I was actually a fan of, which is typically a good place to start. 

The feeling reminded me a bit of the one I used to get after I'd finished writing and posting a piece of puppet erotica—just this overwhelming sensation of "Wait, what was that?" It's like post-nut clarity, except clearly not. My time as a Marauders fan feels, in retrospect, like a bastardization, an appropriation. I was not a real fan because I didn't really care—I just needed something safe to numb my pain and confusion. That's why it feels so important to make sure I'm not trying to represent or bash the fandom in any way. It wouldn't be fair, because I wasn't really, genuinely a part of it. 

~

When I finally had cycled home and let myself in the back door, I only remember collapsing. My mum was in the living room and I just stood there, I think. All I really remember is this image of how I think I looked, as though my mind had floated out of my head and taken a photograph. My face is very pale and completely blank, my bag somewhere on the floor next to me, and I'm staring at nothing, the performance of being okay just…evaporating. I know my mum told me she'd been facetiming my grandparents and aunt throughout the day and they were worried as well. 

One thing I often forget about that day is that, barely an hour after coming home, I had a violin lesson over zoom. I assume it must have been a similar situation to the King Lear presentation, where I had to act as normal as possible in order to not completely freak out. I told myself that I couldn't cancel, because then I'd have to pay the fee, but, like. I'm pretty sure he would have made an exception. I remember telling him "oh, by the way, I'm a little out of it because someone got stabbed at school today," and seeing the utterly baffled look on his face. He offered to postpone, and I declined. I was not a very good student that day—I think I'd forgotten what we did in the lesson before the hour was even finished. 

I went downstairs afterward and told my mum everything—I think. Either that or I lay in bed. The next thing I remember is going to school the next day, because I was still clinging to that King Lear presentation. Or maybe it was just because I didn't know what to do with myself? No idea. The next night, I was feeling sick and tested positive for Covid. 

So that was nice. 

~

My high school was never the same after the stabbing. Rules got stricter, a mass of teachers quit or transfered, the classes graduated and moved on, and I truly think something died that day. No matter how bad things were beforehand, there was always this hope I felt—this optimism. Even if I'd been cynical for weeks, all it took to love that shitty old building was an orchestra concert or a school play. It was trash, but it was home. That love didn't come back. 

My love for the Marauders proved to be just as fleeting. I literally woke up one day last July with a craving for this Good Omens/Buzzfeed Unsolved crossover fanfiction (called video appeal by ravel_aorla) and that was the end of my phase. Poof! Avada Kadavra! 

I'm proud to say, though, that I'm doing much better now. I'm writing and editing this in my college dorm room, which I moved into just yesterday. I'm also very into My Chemical Romance now, and am able to share that interest (and a long furby) with one of my best friends, @vriska-serketboard. It's been a year and a half since my high school has darkened the door of my feet and I am worlds better for it. 

Call it instinct as a former GSA leader, but that's how I want to end this. It get's better. I got better, and you can too. 

Thank you.

[vyeoh]

Hot take making fun of a whole ass gender no matter who you’re in front of is a bad move

I do think it's more complicated than that; like, I get it when my lesbian friend goes "god men suck why are they like that" after being catcalled for the 5th time that week and like maybe it's not "morally" right to generalize an entire gender in the "quantifying good vs bad and looking at the net cost/benefit" look at ethics but at the end of the day people will make and shouldn't be ashamed to make choices that aren't aligned with pure rationality. She's allowed to express her rightly felt frustration, and it's undeniable that social factors tend to influence a whole gender to act like dicks to women.

HOWEVER, my point and the point of the post is that you should also be aware of how that expression of frustration will affect those around you. For me and a lot of other transmascs, hearing our friends go "all man are terrible" sucks extra than for cis guys because 1) it means that the person you trust probably doesn't see you as a man despite everything you have done to live as one 2) it means that the person you trust thinks that the thing that you've always wanted is a mistake and something to be made fun of (tangent: this is also why I don't like it when people go "ew do you *want* to be a cis man??" Because while I love being trans, most of my pre-teen and teen years were spent being incredibly depressed that I wasn't born as one).

It's complicated because it's trying to balance the effects of two societal traumas. I don't think my friend is wrong for making fun of men, but I do think it's wrong that she does it in front of a trans guy. As for the appearance thing though, I don't think you should make fun of anyone, regardless. I personally think there's a way to be like "haha that incel lacks hygiene and the neckbeard is evidence" that doesn't also catch bystanders in the crossfire because it doesn't make the nrckbeard the focus of the joke, but I'm also not a great judge of if something comes off insensitive lol. Also I don't think that's really a gender thing, more of a "maybe just be careful because physical appearance is a social signal of stuff like health and economic status etc etc" thing

tldr: deprogram yourself from internet purity culture and have some more understanding for everyone, even if it doesn't have to lead to forgiveness.

[psykoticrefuge]

Trans stuff:

So my doc follows wpath standards and it's honestly frustrating. Cause when we started all this and grabbed my baseline hormone levels, I'm a heavy T producer. Not extremely high but we'll above the average for a cis male. I was a hairy boy, this made/makes sense.

I got my refill of sublinguals over a month ago and knew that we were gonna discuss injections this most recent appointment and so I changed it up how I was taking them. I added an extra pill in the middle of the night. Which brought me to 8mg a day, 2mg every 6 hours, and let me tell you.. I felt great.

Had a noticeable surge in breast tissue development, libido came back more (which helped with atrophy issues), and just mentally I was doing a LOT better. When we did blood work I didn't think far enough ahead to drop the 4th pill a couple days in advanced and so the levels were "high" and comment was made about that.

I do wanna pause and say, it's really hard to get a read from my doc. He's made some positive remarks about transition but also there is almost a layer of a condescending tone during appointments. My wife has gone with for in person visits and agrees it feels off.

Anyways, still got to go on injections (Yay!) and I know I'm not a doctor. But my organ function was perfect. Liver, kidneys, thyroid, heart, all that, was within the appropriate levels. So it makes sense to me that if my cis body is producing higher T then it would be more in line with its base functionality to have higher E as well. Anecdotal and blood evidence supported this. Wife says I was doing better and I felt better. As a severely traumatized AuDHDer this is rare for me. I've had depression/anxiety since my teens and am currently working through an incredibly rough burnout.

The point?

I wish transition stuff was more in the hands of the individuals rather than doctors. I'm thankful he's there to read and interpret my blood work results but it sucks that we have to fit ourselves into these standards of care rather than forge our own path. It's why I support DIY and truly believe that HRT should be over the counter. All of it. All. Of. It.

Because of money stuff I haven't been able to get my injections yet and the pharmacy said it's on backorder so that's been a fun scramble to try and find it. Because of this I'm still on my 6mg a day and just, I can feel it. I can feel that difference in me. My mood has been lower (lot of extenuating factors tbh) my drive has gone back down, and in general I feel.. worse. Not bad bad worse but, noticeable.

And I can't help but relate the whole thing to disability justice and the Healthcare for All fight. We may not be doctors but we live in our bodies every day and we know our bodies best. (Also neurodivergent justice, like it's just so connected! >.<) If a patient feels good/better and organ function levels reflect no worries, we should be able to have a say even if other levels are "outside standard deviation". We should have a say no matter what, but you get what I mean.

It makes me sad/mad that the Hirschfeld institute was destroyed and all that research with it. So much was lost. Most of our data on feminization comes from post menopausal cis women.. trans bodies are different! And being the target of the far right (more connectivity: also being disabled I'm a double target) it's just.. *sigh* this will turn into a completely different post if I continue this route.

HRT should be over the counter and medical patients deserve a greater say in their care. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. If you're cis, please think about what I've said when you vote or when you join us in the fight for liberation. Our struggles are not that far from each other.

Peace, Panache, and Pancakes,

Rivr

[13beachesxx]

wondering if i get so melancholy every year around this time because for roughly the first 18 years of my life, it was a time of joy and excitement. i loved back to school day so much. so much. the new stationery i'd get to gear up for it, my shiny pretty pencil case, whatever backpack i was rocking that year (fond memories of my black and pink powerpuff girls backpack and also my pale blue snoopy backpack!), what outfit i was gonna wear, my hair....one time i even decided i was gonna debut cornrows on the first day back lol. 3 hours in a hair stylist's chair just to look snazzy for first day back. the excitement in the air was so palpable i could probably pee myself from excitement on the drive up to the school. seeing all your favorite teachers' faces, seeing all your old friends, and the new kids — oh my god, the new kids. us boy obsessed girls immediately trying to assess if there were any new hot guys this year or if that was a wasted hope, scoping out everybody who looked new and unfamiliar, immediately grabbing the new girls and getting them to sit with us, get to know us, get to know all about them and accept them into our fold.

i know i tend to rose tint SO many things in my past and that too might be a trauma reaction to paper over all the bad, but my god was school my happy place and refuge. i did not experience SAD in my childhood or teens because well, for starters, it didn't get as cold in the city as in england or here up in the mountains. or in moscow, but whether the cold ass weather had any effect on me back then, difficult to say. i think not. probably more like i enjoyed it because of all the fun stuff, ice skating, sledding etc. that particular affliction probably came on with my depression and compounded every year after i turned 18 until it finally hit me that every year, without fail, i was becoming extra suicidal each november. now at least i know and and can steel myself and prepare and that somehow mitigates the worst of it.

but yeah.... maybe this is it. i read some girl's account of how she remembers a particular trauma every august, that without intending to, her body remembers it and she tenses up and feels those effects. can you feel something equally profound for a happy memory that you miss now? maybe that's a part of it. i always felt so bittersweet seeing "back to school" banners in stores or online shops, even back when i was going to uni, knowing that demographic no longer includes me. that used to be one of my favorite times of year, as slow boring summers came to an end and the excitement of a new school year crept up, slowly, even as it was still hot. shit i could probably rival harry's excitement getting on the hogwarts train, and i don't think my family situation was half as dreadful as his ever. it was just an exciting, happy time, and to think that my autumns have become...very much not that, well i could just cry thinking about it. the acute and vast gap between the two experiences is indeed great. i think i long for the structure too, the blocked out blocks of days that were scheduled for me, the after curriculars, all of that. you really don't have time to be sad about the weather changing when you're so fucking busy with basketball practice or trying to put on a play. you really don't.

now i'm like lmao should i just get some qualifications and go into teaching. lowkey it would feel like a hack of getting some of that magic back, as an adult. maybe if all my dreams end up in the toilet and none of it pans out, i could do that. a new backup plan lol. or nah, i would probably not like the reality of being a teacher, not at all. i just want to feel the magic of getting out of the car and seeing my favorite teacher. i miss them all so.

[five-rivers]

While You Still Can

For Ectober Day 2: Scream

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Warnings: Accidental self-injury, repeated injury, minor blood, muteness.

.

The first time Danny got laryngitis was the day after returning from the bad future. He’d been a bit of a baby about it, too, because not being able to communicate effectively while already feeling like garbage and being depressed wasn’t great. Jazz had been very understanding about it all.

He got it again the next time he used the Ghostly Wail, and resigned himself to the inconvenient side effect. The Wail was sort of a last resort power to begin with, since it drained so much of his energy and left him vulnerable. He hoped that with time and practice it would get better.

He hoped in vain.

The day after Tucker's resignation from the student body presidential race, Danny, Sam, and Tucker splayed, exhausted and still slightly sandy, in Sam's basement. They'd settled on watching a nature documentary at some point, although none of them were really paying attention to it.

Tucker sighed heavily and readjusted himself so that his legs hung over the arm of the loveseat he’d commandeered. “So, I’m tied with Danny for most frequently possessed,” said Tucker.

“Seems like it,” said Sam, lazily twitching her foot to kick Tucker’s. “Unless mind control doesn’t count as being possessed.”

“Ugh. I hate this. Do you think we should try to practice throwing off overshadowing again? I hate that, too.”

“Dunno. Danny, do you think that would do any good?”

Danny, because he had the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel, tried to answer verbally. This was painful and did not work well.

The sound from the documentary briefly dissolved into something that wasn’t quite static. All three teens sat up, straight and wary of any ghostly intruders.

Danny’s ghost sense did not go off. Danny, who hadn’t been looking forward to how his ghost sense would feel against his abused throat, sighed in relief.

“Wait,” said Sam, “the static- Danny, was that you?”

Danny shrugged. If it was, it wasn’t on purpose.

“Maybe… Can you try to talk again?”

That would hurt. He made a face.

“I know,” said Sam. “But if it was you, don’t you want to know?”

“Could be the start of a new ghost power,” said Tucker, lying back down.

Danny rolled his eyes, but once again tried to speak. Once again, the sound of the documentary cut out, replaced by something else. Something that wasn’t words, but also wasn’t just random noise.

“Weird,” said Tucker. “So. New power, I guess. Do you think you’ll be able to do that without your voice gone?”

Danny shrugged. It wasn’t like these things came with a guidebook. Also, this didn’t seem particularly useful for anything except getting his friends’ attention when he was temporarily mute.

“I wonder if it works on recordings,” mused Tucker. “It’d be useful for making sure no one catches you transforming on film.”

Ah. That was true.

“We’d have to test it,” said Sam.

Danny dropped back onto the floor. He didn’t want to do anything today.

“Later?” suggested Sam. “Maybe once your voice is back?”

Danny gave her a thumbs up.

.

Danny’s voice came back the next day, as usual. Trying to mess with audio electronics had no effect, so they sort of forgot about it and ignored it. It wasn’t important.

They didn’t think it was important.

Danny kept using his Ghostly Wail as a trump card. His voice always took a vacation afterwards, but never for too long. Never long enough for Danny to worry. His parents were making noises about bringing Danny to the doctor, maybe a throat specialist. But they were ridiculously easy to distract.

Everything was normal. Everything was fine.

Until Technus came by with a massive upgrade, courtesy of Vlad, Danny suspected, and Danny had to use his wail twice in a row.

He managed to cap the thermos before he doubled over, coughing. Blood speckled the asphalt below him. Which was disturbing for a number of reasons, not least of which being that he was in ghost form, and shouldn’t be bleeding red at all.

He heard a gasp, and twisted in a way that probably would have broken a normal, human spine.

Sam and Tucker were looking at him with a great deal of consternation and worry.

“Dude…” said Tucker, softly.

Danny winced, and his rings flickered.

“Don’t do that now,” said Sam, scoldingly. “Shoot. We need to get you to Frostbite or something. That’s- Oh my gosh. Frick.”

Danny grimaced. They’d seen him more beaten up, but this amount of blood from the mouth probably was a more disturbing image than bruises and random cuts.

His rings flickered again.

Tucker swallowed hard. “We’ve gotta… Um. Somewhere to transform. Yeah.”

“Alley,” said Sam, pushing.

Danny let go of his transformation as soon as he was out of sight, and leaned against Tucker. He was so incredibly tired. He coughed, lightly, and more blood dribbled from his mouth.

“Oh, gross,” complained Tucker. “Are you, ah, jeeze, you’re not okay.”

No joke.

“Frostbite,” said Sam. “Danny, you up to- What am I saying, of course you’re not. Tucker, you’re going to have to drive.”

“Uh,” started Tucker.

“Since I’m going to be dealing with first aid stuff.”

“Oh. Okay, yeah, I can drive.”

.

Danny wheezed as Tucker made another wrong turn and almost plowed them into a half-melted wall. Sure, the Speeder could phase through just about anything here, but that ‘just about’ was a significant concern.

Plus, going too far that way would put a lot of extra time on their journey. Like. A lot. Some kind of fourth spacial dimension nonsense.

“Sorry!” said Tucker. “Did your parents update the controls or something?”

They had, but Danny couldn’t exactly explain how at the moment. He shrugged.

Eventually, they did arrive at the Far Frozen. The yetis took one look at Danny’s pale face and the blood dripping down his chin and rushed him away to their hospital. Frostbite arrived, and the next hour or so was a whirlwind of tests and scans, particularly of his neck and throat.

They… looked worried. Which made Danny worried.

They gave him good painkillers, though, and lying on the ice bed did wonders for his tension.

Frostbite came back. “Great One,” said Frostbite. He settled himself, fur shifting. “Your Wail is an amazing power. From our scans of your core, it looks like you are also going to develop other vocal powers.” He paused. The silence stretched long and deep. Normally, Danny would have tried to fill it. “But,” said Frostbite, finally, “those powers are not compatible with your human vocal cords. Using them damages your human vocal cords.”

Danny nodded.

“Your ghost half will replace them,” said Frostbite, “but they… they would not be at all the same.”

Danny tilted his head.

“You are probably confused, because you speak in your ghost form, but the structures are very different. You… You would be unlikely to be able to communicate in a way humans would understand, without significant practice. Not while you were in your human form.”

That… didn’t make sense. He communicated with people now. Frostbite and the other ghosts communicated just fine.

“It’s just the type of ghost you are,” said Frostbite. “You are… powerful, Great One, bound to a powerful and painful path. I am sorry for that.”

There was something so pained and apologetic in Frostbite’s tone that Danny started shaking his head. He hardly knew what he was saying, and he still couldn’t help but reject it.

“I am sorry, Great One,” said Frostbite, “but if you keep using your Ghostly Wail, your human half will become mute.”

Frostbite knew, then, just like Danny knew. Danny wouldn’t be able to stop using his wail. Not while people were in danger. He couldn’t abandon people he could save.

Tears collected in the corners of his eyes.

It made him want to scream.

(While he still could.)

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I hate Valentine’s Day. As a child in school it was a reminder I was unpopular. Kids were supposed to give ALL their classmates little cards, but I got skipped surprisingly often. Worse, I’d sometimes get the card meant asan insult, like “Ohhh, let’s give the fat girl the one with a pig on it!” kind of thing.  As a teen it reminded me I was undesirable. No longer required to give people cards, girls still ended up with tons of them. It even became a fad for mothers to send their daughters flowers to be delivered in class, anonymously  of course. Somehow it always seemed that by the end of the day I was the only girl with nothing at all.

As an adult I tried to come to peace with it. Alright, so I am unlovable to anyone outside my family, but at least I had them. Familial love is good. It wonderful. Any love is wonderful.  But I still would feel it sting. See, contrary to popular belief, I actually am not ace. People used to actually say I was “above” such things, assuming based on loopy ideas of intellectual and morality they had projected on me because of grades and politeness. I ranted once that they thought I was some nun cloistered away in a tower, studying late into the night, above earthly concerns. But fuck that! I ached for sex and romance just like most of them!  So Valentine’s Day would remind me no one ever takes an interest in me, that only unrequited love would be what I could have. Except, like I said,  the love of family. I needed to remind myself of that.  Non-romantic love of all kinds matters. I worked very, very hard to let that be all that I thought about. Giving each other cards and candy and hugs. Just hold onto that.

A part of me still hoped “one day”. I wanted what my parents had. They adored each other, partners in every way from the 1950s until the day Pop died.  The day he died..

Pop didn’t die on Valentine’s Day, they just sent him to my brother’s to die on that day. I rode with him in the ambulance. He gave me a Valentine’s pen they gave him at the hospital, his last gift for me. I kissed him and told him I loved him. I drove home to feed the animals, knowing I’d see him early as I could get there Sunday morning.

I never saw him alive again.  Valentine’s Day. The last time I saw my father.  And that was the beginning of the end. Pop was the lynchpin if our lives. Emotionally and practically.

The business shut down. Huge bills had to be paid, so most the woods had to be logged. The houses and appliances all started to break down. Floors collapsed, roofs leaked, pipes froze and snapped. Mom fell into a depression where she cared about nothing. Friends all disappeared. Then  more close family started dying. When Mom had her stroke and had to stop living here with me it wasn’t even the final straw. I guess there won’t be a “final straw” until I die too.

That day sort of marked the no turning back point. It was the end to any sort of security or comfort. It wasn’t the beginning of the downhill slide, just the place there stopped being any chance to climb back out. 

Valentine’s Day, for me, has become all about loneliness, isolation, grief, rejection, and despair. Not having anyone to give me a card or box of chocolate I can deal with. Knowing I don’t even rank a “how are you doing?”, when honestly I’m not doing great, is what gets me.  ****sigh****

I tried to stay busy today, but everything seemed to remind me of what I wanted to avoid. I’m surrounded by things connected to people I loved or tasks that would be so much better with someone to share it with. I got sick of crying.

Instead I made some brownies with extra flavor from some cherry vodka that’s been lying around forever**. I may not have made brownies in a couple years, but today seems like a good day to make myself sick with chocolatey sweetness. If you get queasy enough you can forget to be sad!

Puking sounds better than crying right now! LOL 

**Long story. Mom bought it for a recipe. She never drank, I almost never drink, and six or seven years later it has been sitting there waiting. 

[stories2you]

Mother’s Day

**Reposted from: @mayuarts​

So, @myubunziii​  and I decided to write this long fic for mother’s day. Which obviously came out waaaaaaay later than expected. 

Do note, in this AU, Kiro and Youran (MC) are siblings.

Note: mentions of attempts on suicide, illegitimate child, depression, PTSD. 

(A/N) - Actor’s Name (V/A) - Veteran Actress  *I can’t think of any names :’)  ** This has not been proofread, so I apologize for any grammatical and spelling errors. ***Song used: SNSD - Dear Mom.

Kiro was getting his hair styled in the waiting room. Not long after, a knock was heard on his door. His agent opened the door, revealing Gavin and the two teens. The girls smiled happily and rushed to him.

“Good morning, Uncle Chips~!” The sisters greeted. Kiro grinned and greeted them back as he ruffled their hair,

“Good morning, mini Chips!” The girls giggled at that old nickname that their uncle had given them during their childhood. Kiro didn’t waste any more time and shooed his nieces to the stylists waiting for them.

As the girls left, the blond turned to his brother-in-law, “Youran doesn’t know that you’re here, right?” Gavin nodded. He then shrugged, “She rushed out this morning before I finished breakfast.”

Kiro chuckled at those words. It’s to be expected of his twin sister. She was always on the run and rushing everywhere to attend to her duties. Much more after the sisters had enrolled into high school.

~ time skip ~

They only had light make up applied and their hair styled. Their hair was styled similarly, just that Alina only let her hair down whereas her sister had her hair tied up into a braid. Their outfits complemented the occasion and their hidden elegance.

When they went out of the dressing room, they caught the attention of their father and maternal uncle. Kiro’s jaw dropped as he saw how beautiful his nieces are. He smiled warmly as he noticed their natural beauty that they had inherited from their mother.

Gavin, on the other hand, became speechless. Not only their outfit shows their hidden elegance but their maturity as well. He realized how much his dear daughters had grown. 

The sisters blushed at the attention they got from them. Before they could speak, the door suddenly opened, revealing a panting Shaw. After he closed the door, his jaw dropped and his eyes widened, 

“Wow… You’re so beautiful. Just like your mother.” He said with his usual cheeky smile on his face.

 He placed the bag of presents under the dressing table and sat on the couch beside his brother. Gavin could only stare at him, “What happened?” 

Shaw’s smile suddenly became crooked, “She almost spotted me.”

“You idiot…” Gavin sighed. He then stood up and went to where his daughters were standing. He reached out and brushed their bangs gently, “You heard your uncle, you both are so beautiful.”

Alina and Aiyana giggled. Then Gavin pulled out two designed boxes. He opened both of them, revealing a shining golden gingko hairpin. Similar to the ones he presented to them when they were younger. The man pinned the hairpins onto the girls’ hair.

“Dad, did you input another tracker?” Aiyana asked with a cheeky smile on her face.

Gavin smirked and shrugged, “Well, keep it on if you wanna know.”

Just then, Kiki peeked into the waiting room, “Kiro, get ready, we’re starting in five.” Before she left, she waved to the sisters.

Kiro gave a thumbs up to the girls and quickly left to the set, leaving the girls and the Bai brothers. Not long after, Savin turns on the television connecting to the screen. Showing the starting of the talk show. The set was dimly lit, with only a shadowed figure standing at the center.

Suddenly a light shined onto Kiro’s figure. He showed his signature grin and started to perform one of his biggest hits. About five minutes later, he introduced himself,

“Hello everyone! It’s Kiro! It’s been quite a while, isn’t it? As for today, I’m the guest emcee for today’s talk show! Without further ado, let us invite our mother-child guests!”

All three pairs of mother-child celebrities came into the set, waving to the audience with bright smiles on their faces. They all took their places while Kiro stood at the side. Kiro then ushers them to introduce themselves. The first pair introduced themselves,

“Hello everyone, I am (A/N), the only child of veteran actress, (V/A). Thank you for inviting us and let us have a great time together!” The young man smiled and gave a short fanservice which made the fangirls swoon.

His mother smiled and nudged him playfully. Then the second pair introduced themselves as a pair of voice acting duo. The second mother-son said short lines from their recent anime which their roles are mother and son as well.

Lastly, the third pair of mother and daughter introduced themselves. The female rookie idol and the veteran sang a short duet.

After the introduction of the guests, Kiro started the segment of the day, Mother’s Day,

“As you have known, today’s talk is about appreciating our mothers. Are there any stories for the young celebrities to share about your mothers?” Kiro asked to the guests.

The first guest, (A/N), smiled and decided to share bits of his childhood, “My mother never forces anything on me. When I told her that I wanted to become an actor, she straight up sent me to an acting school. One of the downfalls I had was the pressure of memorizing the lines and acting it out. But my mother, she would continue to encourage me and help me fill the spots I missed while acting. That’s why… No matter how hard the roles I was given, I’m willing to act it out the best I can with my mother’s guidance.” The man then turned to look at his mother, he took a box underneath the table, presenting it to her, 

“Mom, I can never thank you enough for brining me into this world. Your love, care and guidance is what brings me here. I love you mom.” The (V/A) smiled and hugged her son tightly in her arms.

Sobs can be heard from the audience. Kiro smiled at the sight and decided to move on to the next guest, “How ‘bout you? Is there anything you would like to share to your fans?”

The male idol smiled sadly, “This may be triggering but I would like to share this anyway. To show how much one’s life really means to your mother. The strong woman who bore her children for 9 months.”

He paused for a moment and took a breath, “I was a suicidal individual. I was always harassed and bullied for being a bastard child. To clarify this, I am not a bastard child. I lost my father at a very young age. People not only call me a child out of wedlock, they also spread false rumors about my mother. When I was scouted, almost all trainees recognized me for being the son of a veteran voice actress. They started bullying me both physically and verbally. 

At one point, I couldn’t handle the pain and resorted to cutting and consume sleeping pills.” He sighed and cooled himself again, “One day, my mother saw all the pills and scars on my arms. She stopped me and showered all her love to me. She even begged me not to take away my own life. After that day, she brought me to a professional psychiatrist and always reminded me that I am loved. That I don’t need to satisfy others but myself.” 

The voice actor looked to the audience with bravery, “In life, there’s ups and downs. There’s no need to satisfy others. One does not need support from others. The main supporter of your life is your beloved ones, including your mother.” He looked towards his mother and took out a bouquet of flowers from the side of his seat, “Mom, I’m sorry. I worried you from my rash decisions. I promise that I’ll be a better son and thank you. Thank you for your endless love.”

The voice actress shed tears and took the bouquet from his hands, “Dear son, love yourself like how you love your fans and I.” 

More sobs and tears were shed. Youran, who had been standing beside Anna, shed tears at the story. She recently had nightmares of her youngest child taking her own life. She had always wanted to comfort her, but Aiyana would only smile and say she was okay. More worries filled in her heart and tears were suddenly released from her eyes. She watched the last guests telling her story of being a sick child,

“I spent most of my childhood in the hospital. I had complications on my heart, making me go through so many procedures. My mother was the sole breadwinner of my family. My father was falsely accused but was sent to the prison. Luckily, he was released from his charges a few days after I was discharged from the hospital. But I can never show my appreciation enough to my mother. She worked extra hard on producing her own songs and performing them on every music shows. She even took the task of producing songs for idol groups.”

 The young rookie took out a box of chocolates and handed it to her mother, “Mom, thank you for your hard work. Thank you for making your fans and I happy. You produce beautiful music and you gave me a chance to live from your music. I would’ve not survived without your love.” 

Her mother took the box of chocolates, and the rookie continued, “That box of chocolates are the ones you’ve always wanted to try. I hope you love it~” 

The soloist opened the box and ate a piece. She felt touched, knowing that the chocolates were not bought but were handmade by her own daughter. She then pulled her young daughter into a tight hug. She then said into her daughter’s ear, “I would trade anything for your life. As long as you are here, I’m happy.”

Kiro had a warm smile on his face as he listened to the stories. But a small part of him felt sad as he recalled the day his dear sister cried for her little one,

“Kiro… What should I do? No matter how much I try to comfort Aiyana, she would only smile and said that she’s okay. But I know she isn’t… Am I a bad mother? Am I always neglecting my children?”

The blond was heartbroken when he heard those words. He even talked to Gavin about this. The cop himself had the same questions in his mind,

“Am I not a good father? Have I gone away for too long?”

He mentally hyped up himself and gave a bright smile, “Now that everyone has shared their stories, let us continue appreciating our mothers and loving ourselves more. Now moving on to the last and surprise segment of the day, let us invite our special guest up on stage! Give a round of applause to our main producer, Youran!!”

The producer’s eyes widened and she tilted her head to the side in confusion. She looked to Anna beside her. The older lady only gave her a smile, “Go on. We’ll handle things here.”

She then takes Youran’s files from her hands. Before Youran could move forward, a familiar large hand was placed on her shoulder. She looked up and saw Gavin smiling down at her, “Come on, Kiro’s waiting.”

He guided her up to the set. The audience and the guests awed at the sight of the couple. Kiro walked to the center and held his hand out to his sister. She took his hand and her husband walked out of the set.

“Kiro… What is this? This isn’t in the production plan!” She whispered to her brother.

Kiro only gave her his trademark smile, “You’ll see~”

He then faced the audience, “Now, now. That’s not the only surprise.” Suddenly the lights dimmed and a familiar song started playing. Kiro bend down slightly to his sister’s height, “Don’t turn around until the song ends.”

He slowly left his sister’s side. When he stood at his usual spot, he spotted Gavin bringing his daughters on the stage and the audience cheered for the girls’ appearance. Youran looked even more confused. But then her confusion faded away when she heard her daughters’ voices;

(Ai) For some reason, today feels difficult and exhausting (Al) For some reason it feels empty today The suddenly ringing phone surprises me I hear your voice, asking me if I ate today (Ai) Those words that annoyed me, feel different today And I remember all the forgotten promises I’ve made

I will become a warm hearted person I will become a person that puts others first I will fulfill the wishes of your love The person I share my dreams with The one who used to comb my hair I think of my mom

Youran could feel her tears weld up again in her eyes. She smiled at the lyrics as all the memories of her daughters replayed in her mind. They’d call for her every five minutes, wanting to come with her to her office, asking her to do their hair and more. She felt her heart tighten when she listened to the next verse.

(Al) Sometimes I hurt you because of my wrong decisions But you quietly watched over me from afar (Ai) Although I’m still a young and clumsy child, I think That now I understand the meaning of your silent prayers (Al) What should I do? My heart is still so small (Ai) If I let go of your hand, I’m not sure if I can make it I don’t think I’m ready yet, I’m scared

The mother could hear her daughters’ voice starting to quiver. She could feel their fear and guilt. How much they still needed her by their side.

I will become a wise daughter (Al: Give me courage) I will be a daughter you can be proud of (Ai: You’ve been there for me) I will fulfill the wishes of your love With all the love that you have shown me I will have a warm heart

She then felt two pairs of arms wrapping around her and her tears finally fell.

I was too shy to express it… Mom, I truly love you…

The sisters released their mother from their embrace. Youran turned around and saw her daughters smiling at her. Alina spoke up before she could, “Mom, I’m sorry for not answering your calls when I’m away for college. I promise to be a better daughter and I’ll do my best to follow your steps to become a good artist and producer!”

Aiyana wrapped her arms around her mother’s neck, “Mom… I’m sorry for keeping my feelings to myself. I’m sorry for making you worry. I promise that I’ll let out my thoughts. Thank you for being there for me.”

Youran smiled with her tears still flowing. She brought her daughters into her embrace, “Thank you for this surprise, my dears. Mom loves you more than anything. I’ll never let go of your hands whenever and wherever you both will be.”

Gavin smiled at the scene right in front of him. He realized how much both he and his wife had come this far of raising these two troublemakers. He himself didn’t know that both Kiro and Shaw had planned this secretly with Minor and the rest behind both of his and Youran’s back.

When Kiro finally wrapped up the show, everyone left the set happily and the girls even get to take pictures with the guests. The two were even offered to collab with the rookie idol. Though the two of them can only smile and just gave the idol a neutral answer.

~ Time skip ~

After the show, the sisters quickly changed into their casual clothes. They went out to the exit of the studio and saw their parents talking. They decided to eavesdrop for a moment,

“Gavin, thank you. You and the girls surprised me more than enough.” Youran smiled as she looked up to her husband.

Gavin wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him, “You should thank the girls and your brother for this. I only helped in the sidelines.”

The sisters looked at each other and grinned. They ran and gave a surprise back hug to their parents. “We’re happy to sing more songs for you, mom!” Aiyana smiled happily. Gavin had a playful pout on his face,

“Only for mom? What about dad?”

“We’ll record it for you to listen when you’re away~” Alina giggled. “Of course, we’ll never leave our hero out!”

The family of four had a wonderful ride back home. The girls shared stories of their school life and whatever their uncles are up to whenever they stayed over. The couple smiled and laughed along with them. Meanwhile in Youran’s mind, she couldn’t thank God for this wonderful and blessed day.

At home, they crashed on the couch together. Alina and Aiyana in between their parents. Gavin took out his phone and decided to order some take out. While he was on it, Alina stood up and took the paper bag that she received from Shaw earlier that day. She brought it over and handed it to her mother,

“Mom, open it.”

Youran opened the blue rectangular box. Her brown eyes shined as she saw the customized necklace which had her birthstone locket. She opened the pendant and saw the photo of her and her daughters at one side, the other had a photo of her and Gavin with the girls as an infant.

Alina put on the locket around her mother’s neck. Youran gave her a warm smile and opened up the purple box. Aiyana prepared her newly released novel. She had a tint of red on her cheeks, making her resemble her father. Youran picked up the book and read the summary, it was about a young teen who was struggling with PTSD since her childhood. She had ups and downs. The one who always held her hand, guiding her towards happiness, was her mother.

Youran had a bitter smile, knowing that this was based on their life story. Her smile brightens when she read the summary of the last volume, the girl found her happiness by achieving her dreams. It wasn’t a cliché story.

‘I’ll make this into a drama,’ Youran thought.

She then pulled her daughters into a tight hug, “Thank you dearies, I love it. Aiyana, I’ll read your novel and give you my opinions, okay? I’ll even make this into a drama!”

Aiyana blushed and giggled, “Alright~ It hasn’t been officially released yet… so you got the first batch.” Her mother had a bright smiled and caressed her hair, “I’m honored to be able to read this before others.”

She placed the novel set on the table and shooed her daughters away, “Now go and shower. The food will arrive soon.”

“Okay~!”

After they rushed off, Gavin already had a wrapped gift placed on his lap. Youran tilted her head and pointed at the gift, “And what would that be, dear?”

The officer shrugged and handed the gift to his wife, “See it for yourself.”

She unwrapped the gift and was greeted with the beautiful journal album. She opened the said album and the first page had a handwritten letter by her husband. She almost teared up when she read the words, “Thank you for being the mother of my children.”

The photos inside the album were placed like a timeline. Starting from Alina and Aiyana’s childhood days until their high school graduation. Youran had a nostalgic smile as she flipped through the album. She then placed the album on the table and pulled her husband into her arms.

They stayed like that for a moment. Youran pulled away and kissed him passionately. Her endless love conveyed in the kiss. Gavin pulled her tighter in his arms.

Unbeknownst to them, two mischievous girls had taken a video and a photo of them smooching. Usual sibling things.

 Thank you, mom.

We went overboard with this. I had to edit out some parts and plan a suitable scene. :’) 

I hope you enjoy. Requests are open, and I’ll do my best to post it as soon as possible!

[whyamiinopmhellagain]

How Dateable are the Heroes of One Punch Man?

A note, I know these kinds of things are not the only factors that make a relationship successful, but they are large ones. This is simply my take on it. 

They are all rated on a scale from one to ten. If they receive a zero, they are considered undateable for reasons that cannot be fixed through emotional growth. 

Also, this is pretty lengthy. Be warned, and happy reading!

Hit the Lotto (8-10): 

King (9.5/10): King, in my opinion, is the most dateable hero. He’s a genuinely good guy. He also seems to have a lot of common interests, such as anime and gaming, which makes him pretty chill to get along with. He’s a homebody, which means if you get close to him, he’ll want to spend more time with you, and doesn’t mind having quiet moments. In fact, I think he enjoys them more! King is not excessively arrogant, and doesn’t appear to have attachment or trust issues. He really just wants someone to love him for being him, and not for living a lie. The fear of him getting exposed, and being surrounded by the press will probably be frequent worries in the relationship, but in both cases, it seems to be protected by King’s luck powers, and the fact that he doesn’t go out much. If you can deal with those, and help him with the anxiety that comes with it, you’re golden for a happy, healthy relationship! 

Mumen Rider (9/10): Awww, look at you! You hooked a sweetie pie! He’s kind, morally strong, good hearted, and hardworking! He will not hesitate to shower you in kindness and love. He does not seem to have any attachment issues, or trouble with building trust and a healthy relationship. The major issues of this one are he’s constantly getting hurt, so you’ll never know when he’ll be in the hospital, and he’s pretty much always working. The first one is counteracted by his indomitable spirit, and how devoted he is to making the world a better place. He also would very much appreciate if you’d visit him in the hospital, and even more when he’s discharged, and still needs a little extra care (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.).The second one’s counteraction is with the fact that when he cares about something, he cares hard. If he loves you, he’d totally work to shell out those extra minutes for you, if you’re willing to do the same.

Saitama (8.5/10): This relationship is very similar to King’s! They both have the same, “we veg, we read manga, play video games and stay indoors” mentality. The same pros as King. The reason he’s ranked lower is because of very obvious depression, that is slowly getting better, but I doubt will fully ever be cured (the price he paid for his training), and there will be people breathing down his neck. If you want to be with our egg, you have to check with the toaster first. He’s very close with his Sensei, and Saitama makes it a priority to make sure he is safe and happy. Fubuki may also interfere as well, but she’s most likely no threat if you mean that much to Saitama.

Tanktop Master (8.5/10): Honestly, this man is so wholesome. The only reason he’s lower, is because we don’t know too much about his personality.  He’s strong, kind, and an excellent leader! No obvious arrogance or aggression, and seems to have the ability to just talk things out with people, I realize this relationship would also have the “always having people over” thing. Except much more active.They work out, run, wear tank-tops, and have group gatherings all the time! If you’re extroverted, and like to make friends, you two will fit perfectly! He may. also have some insecurities about his skill level. Be sure to comfort him with a warm hug, because he really is a strong boy. 

Darkshine (8.5/10): Remember what I said about Tanktop Master? Same applies to him. Wholesome, but unknown. He may have more strength and power, but his ego is much more fragile. He may need some comfort from time to time, and I’m sure he’d be happy to take in a hug and some encouraging words from you! He seems to have the ability to form healthy bonds, and build trust quickly and safely, which is necessary to a happy relationship. Overall, seems like a good time for both of you! 

Zombieman (8/10): Odds are, this is going to work out. That is, if you can break down the massive emotional barriers he’s built up. While he seems pretty chill, he knows something. He knows that everyone he loves and cares about is going to die before him. He distances himself from almost everyone, simply because he doesn’t want to be put through that pain. I feel like he’s experienced it before. Unless he starts to care about you, and when he cares, he cares HARD. He’ll be in it for the long run. If you can take the time and effort to get to know him, maybe, just maybe, he’ll invite you over for dinner with him and Child Emperor. It will grow from there, maybe he invites you over, just the two of you, watch a movie, and sit on the couch. (Personal headcanon of mine, he’s got Child Emperor, and he loves taking care of him. Maybe when he leaves the nest... he’ll want to raise one or two with you?)

Won’t be the best, but not the worst (5-7): 

Metal Bat (7/10): He’s a tough boy with a heart of pure gold! He fights very passionately for what he believes in, and won’t let anyone stop him! Except Zenko. If you want this teen’s (please remember he’s young) heart, you’re going to have to go through her. You’ll also have to be okay with the fact that most of his time is going to be devoted to taking care of her, and she’ll be around you two 90% of the time. He needs someone who can give here that sibling affection, like having a second parent. He also needs someone who can be his IQ, and his books smarts. Help him with his homework, take notes for him in class, or help Zenko study, (It probably will be a good way to win her over too), it will be very much appreciated. Also, be sure you are someone who he can be a kid with. He’s 17, and has to act like an adult. He needs time to take a break, drop Zenko off with someone, and go sit in the streets at night and eat ice cream while you both watch the street lights. Somedays, he needs a shoulder to cry on from exhaustion with his job, or panic about the future. Badd’s going to need you to help him grow. He’ll be loyal and happy with you, you just have to be patient with him, his overload of responsibilities, and his sister.

Fubuki (6.5/10): I hope you like your women in charge and powerful, because that’s what you’re going to get. She’ll be with her group, making deals and looking for more underlings. You won’t be her first priority. Don’t try to hit on her, unless you’re a higher rank than she is. Otherwise, you’re going to have to catch her attention the hard way. If you even manage to get her to see, acknowledge you, and like you, you’re not even halfway done. You have to go through the Blizzard Group. If you pass that, you must pass your hardest test, the association’s secret weapon, Tatsumaki. Older sisters do worry, and intruded. She just wants to protect her precious little sister. If you can win her over, then you have secured a necessary piece for Fubuki’s heart; she values her sister’s thoughts more than she lets on. but those people will still be there to protect her. She needs to be the strong one, because softness is a weakness. Or so she’s been taught. You’ll need to get her to open up a little. You’ll see that she has a soft side. She frets whenever Eyelashes or Wild Monkey get beat up, and buys Lily a scoop of ice cream whenever she gets a high score on any test. That doesn’t mean she’s not the leader. She wants to wear the pants in the relationship. She’s the breadwinner.  Show her how strong she is, even when she isn’t large and in charge.  If you can do that, her group will notice a difference in the way she carries herself. She’ll be a bit lighter on her feet, and have more courage to take on higher level missions by herself. She’ll be pretty tough to break into, but not completely impossible, if you know how to do it. (Side note, thanks to @metalbatandzenko​ for helping me with this one!) 

Pig God (6/10): He’s mostly just here because of mystery. We don’t know pretty much anything about him, other than he’s a good guy who likes to eat. We don’t know anything about his dark side, or what he truly values. He has been seen to be helpful, and dedicated to his job, which gives him points, but not enough to make him rank higher.  

Atomic Samurai (5.5/10): I feel like he’s not the first person anyone would go after. He’s aging, he’s busy, and can get quite arrogant. His disciples are like his kids, and if you want to be close with him, you have to go through them first. You must be good friends with them, you’ll be seeing them quite often. I see him as someone who’d want to keep his hero live and private life separate. Sure, he’d introduce you to his disciples and Silverfang, maybe take you to a party or too, but other than that, he’d keep you out of the loop for your own safety, so he won’t be around too much. He just wants someone to share a futon with. Maybe make him some dinner, and talk about regular stuff. Not everything has to be about fighting. Sometimes, he just wants someone to drink tea and meditate with, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Silverfang (5/10): He seems like a good, respectable guy. However, he’s 81. The only reason I could see someone dating him would be for a sugar daddy, because S-class makes that coin. As good as a guy he is, odds are, it’s not going to last very long. 

Yeah, this most likely won’t be healthy (1-4):

Amai Mask (4/10): This relationship seems like every fan’s dream at first. He’s tall, rich, famous, and has a great set of abs. The courting phase to his partner will seem heavenly, as the world’s biggest superstar showers them with attention. He woos them gracefully, until he deems you safe to let into his life  good enough arm candy. He’ll keep you for as long as he needs you, but still treating you like royalty in front of the cameras. In reality, he will just be throwing you under the bus for his work, and trying to cover the wounds with his money. If you (understandably) hate the treatment, and confront him about it, he’ll just tell you to leave. If you put up with it, he’ll throw you out when he needs the coverage. He just has to hope he doesn’t fall for you. He can’t let you see what lies underneath. You fell in love with Handsome Kamen Amai Mask, not [Webcomic Spoiler]. 

Genos (3/10): I don’t see this happening now. That kid is traumatized as hell, and needs to learn to cope. Losing everyone and everything is hard, which makes him cling to what he has. Right now, he’s clinging to Saitama, and coping with his past in an unhealthy way. While he is compassionate, kind, and courageous to a fault, he isn’t emotional ready to give his heart away just yet. Maybe in a couple years, when he matures and he either gets his closure on the Mad Cyborg situations, or accepts it, deals with his grief, and moves on. 

Flashy Flash (2.5/10): Yeah, no. If we’re talking about trauma, this dude just doesn’t want to accept the fact that he has it, or he knows it, and is too scared to ask for help with it. He’s arrogant, emotionally distant, downright cold sometimes. The only reason he’s higher than Tatsumaki is because I feel like he’d want a relationship in the future, if he actually admits that he needs help, and needs to let go of the past. Then, and only then, can he open himself up to other people. He’s not ready yet.  

Tatsumaki (1/10): This girl has emotional issues, is controlling, has extremely high standards, and a shit ton of trauma that all needs addressing before she enters a relationship. Also, she doesn’t cares about those kinds of relationships that much. She’s very take, and never gives. Odds are, she doesn’t want you or anyone in her life. She has a job to do, and that’s what she’s devoted too. 

Why would you? (0/10):

Watchdog Man: He’s a dude that acts and dresses like a dog, and doesn’t leave his post. That doesn’t sound super appealing at all, but to each their own, I guess.

Child Emperor: This should be obvious. 

Puri Puri Prisoner: If this guy likes you.....RUN

Drive Knight: Are y’all evil Cyborg fuckers? 

Metal Knight: He has no sympathy, empathy or compassion. He’s old, and he has a tiny dick. Why?  

-----

This post went in so many different directions. Anyway, please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments, I love hearing from you all!

*Requests open! Unedited*

[remmushound]

Hey!! I loved your little one shot with Rottmnt and tmnt 2012, and was wondering if you could write something about The Rise turtles reacting to 2012!Leo? Specifically his more responsible yet depressed demeanor? I’ve honestly had this idea in my head since rise started. Maybe he could have a talk with rise Raph or Leo about leadership too! Maybe give em some tips ☺️. But if you can’t/would rather not then thats fine!

Reminder: 2012!turtles are referred to by their nicknames, rise!turtles are referred to by their full name. Love the suggestion and definitely gonna do more Interactions like this down the line 💕

“So you’re Leo, huh?” Michelangelo’s eyes were narrowed as he pointed a finger toward the dark-blue clad turtle.

The turtle was unamused, shoving Michelangelo’s hand away as if it were infected. “Yes. And if you’ll excuse me, this is a time sensitive matter.”

Leo crossed his arms and gave a smug smile as if he had just smited some invisible foe. There was a moments confusion shared between the rise turtles before Donatello walked over to scrutinize the leader of the other team. Leo was oblivious to the interaction until a touch on his shoulder made him flinch back to the reality beyond his own mind. His eyes flicked open and he looked over to the softshell. Donatello took Leo’s mask between two fingers, pinching the material to feel its fabric before running a finger across Leo’s shell and then his skin. Leo pulled away.

“Uh— personal space, much?”

Leonardo grinned and leaned against a nearby wall. “No— none at all.”

“What species are you?” Donatello asked.

“That’s a...” Leo thought for a second, then snapped his fingers, “great question. Donnie?”

“Yes?” Both Donatello’s spoke at the same time, and then exchanged looks.

“Uh, well, that’s something I’ve always wondered too!” Donnie said, “we could be diamond back terrapins—“

“No.” Donatello said, abandoning Leo in favor of examining Donnie, who seemed all too happy to comply with the poking and prodding. “Shape, pattern, color, all off. Diamondbacks are white with black spots and have spines on their shell like mine. You’re all green with Oval-like shells and no markings.”

“Oh okay.” Donnie watched Donatello curiously, “then maybe red eared slider—“

“Hmmmm. No. You’d have more markings like Nardo here.” Donatello grabbed Leonardo and pulled him close, spinning him around to show the yellow stripes and red markings.

“Stripes are where it’s at baby!” Leonardo whistled.

“This is serious! And we’re wasting time!” Leo snarled, “every second we waste here is another second Shredder could be ripping our city apart!”

“Yo, chillax my man.” Leonardo wrapped his arms around Leo and hung against the older teen like a drunkard. “We know how to handle a shredder or two!”

“Good.” Leo’s tone caught the rise turtles off guard, so serious and stoic when compared to the high-energy, jovial brother they knew and loved. “Donnie said your world’s Shredder is most similar to the one we’re dealing with; an undead demon who will destroy everything in his path—“

“You mean like Raph when he hadn’t had lunch?” Leonardo snickered, and so did both Mikey’s, but Leo only stared. Determined to make his mirror-clone crack even the smallest smile, Leonardo went on. “I mean, I don’t know how your Raph is, but when ours is hungry he’ll eat just about anything he can fit in his mouth. And that thing?” Leonardo grabbed Raphael and tugged him down, forcing his mouth open to show the fangs within, “Is ginormous! Look at the size of that thing! I could fit my entire head in there!”

“He ate glass once.” Michelangelo said.

“Hey! It’s not my fault it looked like food!” Even with the vicious snarl, the brothers of Raphael didn’t flinch. The other turtles, however, pulled back as if there were a raging beast about to rampage.

“It was a glass figurine!”

“Well you shouldn’t have made it to look like a sandwich!”

“Technically it was a sandwich.” Donatello examined his nails casually, “sand, which had been superheated to approximately 1,760 degrees Celsius.”

Leonardo scoffed. “Who even uses Celsius?”

“LITERALLY EVERYONE!” Donatello growled back.

“What in the world is going on?!” Leo’s voice fractured the argument like the glass figurine they had been discussing.

“Talking about Raphael eating mikey’s glass sandwich sculpture.” Leonardo said.

“Superheated to exactly 1,760 degrees Celsius.” Donatello added.

Leonardo pointed back at Donatello. “Can we get that In Fahrenheit please?”

“That would be...” Donatello pressed a few buttons on his watch before concluding, “3,200 degrees, exactly.”

“Thank you, good sir!”

Leo growled and pulled on the tails of his mask. “I can’t believe this— you’re all just Mikey with extra steps!”

“I take that as a compliment!” Raphael said, grabbing Michelangelo and pulling him into a careful hug, “I love my little brother!”

“I think you’re missing his basic point here.” Donatello said with a wave of his hand.

“Ugh! This is no good!” Leo turned away from them and started pacing. “Gotta think of something— gotta think—“

Donnie walked over to Leo and tried to put a hand on his shoulder, only to be shrugged away. Donatello walked over to the other Donnie and stared at the pacing turtle, though his look was more of bewilderment than the gentle concern shown by the other gangly teen.

“Splinter!” Leo declared.

“WHERE?!” Raphael looked around, holding his arms close his body as he looked around for the rat.

Michelangelo perched himself on Raphael’s shoulder and cupped his hands over his eyes like binoculars. “No sign of ‘em, Captain Red!”

“HE’S FINALLY UNLOCKED THE POWER OF INVISIBILITY!” Leonardo cheered.

Donatello held his hands to his chest and his eyes lit up. “Oh I am so proud— and so jealous!”

“What?! No!” Leo groaned, pinching his brow. “Just— just take me to him. He might be the only one with any sense in this hellhole.”

[petitelepus]

25 Days of MTMTE Christmas, Part 25, Christmas Sweater

It’s Christmas Eve on Lost Light and everyone is all dressed up.

Merry Christmas everyone! I understand that this has been a hectic year and there are people who can’t celebrate Christmas like they would like to because of the Coronavirus so I hope that ‘25 Days of MTMTE Christmas’ has been lightening your dark nights and made you smile even the tiniest bit.

I want to thank my beloved friend @missykitty​! She read every single chapter and edited them, gave me inspiration, corrected my spelling and choice of words because English isn’t my first language or even second. She made this story possible.

I want to also thank you all for reading and enjoying my stories. I write to bring joy to people and I have been extra diligent this year. I wish you all Merry Christmas and thank you for being so strong.

You loved the holidays! You always had. Christmas was the time of joy and celebration with loved ones. The exact things that you were missing from Earth. Here in space, in a whole other galaxy, you had found a new family. Your found family made sure that you had everything you ever needed or desired, and you loved them back with your whole heart. But none of them celebrated Christmas, so you felt lonesome and nostalgic for your Christmas traditions. You rode your hover scooter through the empty halls before arriving at the mess hall for dinner. It was a bit depressing that your Christmas dinner would be the same as any other day. You were shocked out of your thoughts when you realized that the mess hall was deserted. Where was everyone? You looked around in confusion. Usually, the hall would be filled with hungry Autobots around the clock, but now the place looked abandoned. You felt even more depressed at the thought of eating your Christmas dinner all alone. You despondently made your way to your usual spot. Your eyes widened in surprise at the sight of a handwritten note on the table. 'Come to the meeting room!' They didn’t forget about you after all! Aww, how sweet they were. You were curious about what they had planned for today. You couldn't help but smile excitedly as you picked up the note and left to go where you were instructed. You arrived at the door. You could hear voices coming from inside. Was everyone there just waiting for you? You smiled to yourself. You left your scooter at the side of the door, and pressed the buzzer. The voices inside halted instantly. You put in the code and entered. You were surprised to see that it was pitch black in the room. You clapped your hands to activate the lights. What you saw took your breath away. "Merry Christmas!" Everybody cheered. You were stunned at the sight. You were expecting to see your Cybertronian friends, but instead the room was filled with humans. Humans you didn't know. You weren't that good with people back on Earth, so just how bad you were going to be with them in space? You were about to bolt, but this short stocky man approached you. He was wearing blue shield-style sunglasses. Oh God, he had a Christmas sweater on. A bright red sweater that read 'He Sees You When You're Drinking' in white bold letters. You stared at his sweater. You absolutely adored so-called ‘Ugly Christmas Sweaters’. You didn't even know why for sure, but they were funny and quirky. You made it a tradition to check secondhand stores for rejected Christmas sweaters. When you were younger, you were teased for wearing them. Then they became popular, and even your former bullies started wearing them to ‘Ugly Christmas Sweater’ parties. You were annoyed about that, but at least now you could share your love of tacky things with others. "Hi, yes, we are happy you made it!" The man said happily in a voice you knew. You blinked. "Swerve, is that you?" "Yeah, it's me! Everyone is here also!" He said happily. He stepped closer to you. "It was mine and Rewind's idea to use our human avatars to make you feel at home. How do you like it?" Well, you were speechless and taken aback at how sweet their intentions were. You smiled and were about to answer the bartender, but then your eyes landed on him. "OhmyGod!OhmyGod! Oh! My! God!" You squealed. You quickly covered your mouth when you realized just how loud you were being. "I can't, I just can't...!" "What?? What is it?!" Swerve asked in a panic, fearing that he and others had messed up somehow and offended you. But you didn't respond. You ran straight to this tall woman wearing a beautiful purple Victorian-style dress. But it wasn't her you were squealing for. It was a toddler wearing a blue polar bear sweater with an actual crystal blue pacifier clipped to the material. The little guy even had blue sunglasses similar to Swerve’s. "E-Excuse me, Ma’am, bu-but could I hold your baby?" You asked barely keeping your composure as you looked at the little guy. The woman smiled slightly, and… Oh no, she was hot. She lifted the toddler out of the baby carrier on her chest, and offered him to you. "Hold him carefully,” she said.

You nodded as you took the toddler from her arms and pulled him close.

"Oh my God, you're so cute! Where have you been hiding all my life, you little cutie pie?"

Okay, you were totally baby-talking to the cutest child you may have ever seen. Your voice had probably raised an octave, and you weren’t worried about controlling the volume of your voice anymore. Maybe you sounded ridiculous, but your heart was mush and you had no shame.

"I'm not a baby, or whatever it is!" The child suddenly exclaimed. You blinked in surprise. You looked at the child carefully, and saw a light blue ‘T’ on the child's adorable sailor hat. And that voice...!

"Tailgate? Is that you?" You asked.

The child nodded. "Yes!"

"Oh, Tailgate..." You sighed in joyful surprise. Then you smiled even wider before hugging the mini-human. "You're so freaking cute!"

"Nooo…! I'm ferocious!" Tailgate cried.

You turned to look at the tall woman that had been holding Tailgate before. "Cyclonus?"

"That would be me,” she, no, he said. "You look amazing,” you said. "Thank you." You gave Tailgate back to Cyclonus, then turned to gaze at the rest of the holoforms mingling in the room. One by one, you recognized familiar features in these human forms. You jumped over to a tall young man, with a dark flame tattooed arm, wild auburn hair, and a handsome smile. He was wearing a short-sleeved sweater that read 'You Can Get On My Naughty List Anytime'. You grinned. "Rodimus! You look great! Very hot!" You joked, winking at him. "I know.” You giggled as Rodimus licked the tip of his digit and then pressed it to his hip, making a hissing noise. You turned to see a young lady wearing a dark blue sweater with so much text on it that you had to squint to see what was written there. 'Santa Saw Your Facebook Pictures, You're Getting Clothes And A Bible For Christmas'. Ouch. Only one mech would approve of a shirt like that. "Ultra Magnus, sir? Is that you?" You asked. The woman holoform nodded. You grinned and pointed at his sweater. "That sweater looks good on you." "Thank you. Although, I have no clue what this ‘Facebook’ is. I presume that it's a device or program that keeps records of criminals and persons of interest. That sounds like a good idea to me." You bit the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from laughing. Instead, you clapped. "Wonderful sweater. Truly." You moved on to the next mech and--Oh! Who was this big silver fox standing before you, tall and proud in a sweater that had 'Naughty' and 'Nice' with checkboxes in front of each… but the checkbox in front of 'I Tried' was the one that was check-marked. You barely paid any attention to the text, rather watching how the sweater was stretched across his broad chest and muscled biceps... "It's Megatron,” Rodimus butted in from behind you. You nodded mindlessly, almost in a trance as you ogled the former criminal. DAMN! IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO BE THAT SEXY. The old man sighed, misinterpreting your look. "I was persuaded to use my avatar, and get some kind of ugly clothing that humans wear." "Megatron...! Wow…” you said, blinking like a deer in headlights. "Like WOW." "Yeah, yeah, we get it. So he is handsome for a human! So what!" Someone yelled. You glanced over your shoulder, and saw the most badass looking teen girl you had ever seen. She had long blue hair in pigtails, and an eyepatch over the left eye... "Whirl?!" You accidentally shouted. The girl, no, Whirl stopped pushing you away from Megatron. He struck a pose to show off to you. "Yeah, it is I, fleshie. Admit it - I look badass,” he said. You took in his dark blue sweater that read: 'Dear Santa, Define Naughty'. "I had spiked knee guards also, but Magnus said they were too much,” Whirl complained. You snorted. "What a tragedy." Whirl said some colorful words to you, but you laughed it off. You turned away, and came face-to-face with two men, one tall and dark-haired, and the other short and blond. You blinked and tilted your head, wondering who they could be. Then you noticed the camera in the blond man's hands. "Rewind! And Chromedome!" You exclaimed. They smiled at you in response. "How did you figure it out?" Chromedome asked. "Rewind's camera. Also, your matching sweaters." You laughed and pointed at their sweaters. Chromedome's said 'World's Okayest Elf' and Rewind's read 'I'm Not Short I'm Just A Tall Elf'. You smiled at them before moving through the crowd again, until you saw a man with glasses and carrot-red hair. He was certainly smart looking. You knew a few smart mechs, but you were sure you knew which one this was. "Rung! You look amazing!" The distinguished-looking man before you smiled and confirmed your guess to be right. Honestly? You would tap that ass. His sweater read: 'Santa Loves A Hot Cookie'. You giggled lightly. Then you noticed two smokin’ hot ladies that you recognized as Nautica and Velocity, and two hot men talking with them, likely Brainstorm and Perceptor. Nautica's sweater was bright purple and read: 'But First Let Me Take An #elfie'. Velocity's had a cat on it and read: 'Happy Hannukkat'. Brainstorm’s read: 'Santa Is Real In At Least 370 Alternate Realities'. And Perceptor...! Oh, Percy must have lost a bet or something, because he had a sweater that read: 'I Am Your Present', and there was an arrow that happened to be pointing at Brainstorm at any given moment. Finally, the last pair. You smiled when you saw them. Drift was a handsome young man with ink black hair. Ratchet was a scruffy-bearded man whose hair and beard were red streaked with white. Drift was wearing a sweater that said: 'While You Were Decorating The House I Studied The Blade'. Ratchet's sweater had a huge picture of Grumpy Cat that simply said 'NO'. You slowly made your way through the crowded room, making sure to say hello to everybot present. Besides being polite, you just had to check out all of the ‘Ugly Christmas Sweaters’. They were all amazing! You had never seen so many ‘Ugly Christmas Sweaters’ in one place! More than that, they all had been thinking about you, and how you might be missing human company. Just seeing them all gathered together made you feel like you were back on Earth for Christmas, surrounded by family and friends. You nearly cried at the thought. "Um, can I have everyone's attention?" You said, trying to raise your voice loud enough to fill the room. Every bot in a human disguise turned to look at you. You coughed awkwardly into your fist, then smiled tremulously, trying not to cry. "I just wanted to thank you all. For the amazing surprise. I love all of your sweaters – you all look great. You all are like a family to me, and I hope you feel the same way." Everyone cheered loudly. You blushed in embarrassment, but then Swerve rushed up to you, with Rung following closely behind in a more subdued manner. You smiled at both of them. "Thank you so much, you guys. I couldn't dream of a better surprise." "Oh, but this is just the beginning," Rung said with a mysterious smile. You blinked in confusion. "What?" "We just needed to buy some time while Lug and Anode finished at my place!" Swerve said. Lug and Anode…! You hadn’t seen them here at all! How could you have forgotten them?! Then Swerve took your hand in his to lead you to the next surprise. Everyone followed behind, laughing and whispering behind your back. When you entered Swerve’s, you could barely believe what you saw. Christmas decorations everywhere, gleaming and shining! You could even smell something delicious wafting in the air. "Don't tell me you cooked?" You asked in shocked disbelief. Just as you finished speaking, Lug and Anode came from the bar's backroom with their servos holding trays heaped with different Earth foods traditional for Christmas. There were also energon treats for your Cybertronian friends. Just when you were sure the party couldn't get any better, somebody put Christmas music on to play. You turned to look at the bots standing all around you. "Is it-Is it okay to eat?" Everyone gave you a clear go-ahead, so you began to take helpings of everything so as not to disappoint any of your friends that had worked so hard. Surprisingly, they had nailed it for most of the foods. Though the cranberry sauce was accidentally made with cherries, and the chocolate mousse was too sweet, they were still delicious. When you couldn’t eat any more, you thought that the good time would end there… but you thought wrong. Somehow Swerve had gotten his servos on the Cybertronian equivalent of a karaoke machine. Brainstorm and Perceptor had its files updated with all of the top hits from Earth. There were over 1,000 songs per country, so you had an overwhelming number of options. Some Christmas songs, both classic and new, were included as well. To start, Rodimus rocked the song 'The Phoenix' by Fall Out Boy. With that magnificent show of talent, charisma, and showmanship, others were then itching to get a turn of their own. Nautica, Velocity, and Rewind sang 'Bubblegum Bitch' together. Ultra Magnus sang 'It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas'. You insisted on singing a song called 'Do It For Her/Him' from Steven Universe with Cyclonus. The purple mech thought it was silly to sing a song from a human cartoon, but when he sang, he gave Tailgate meaningful looks. And you? You might have winked Megatron's way a couple of times. You were really enjoying yourself - the party was amazing. It was everything that you could have hoped for. Nothing could top this. Or so you thought, until you were asked to close your eyes and hold your arms out. "Guys, you aren't going to prank me, or do anything to me that will end up on Youtube??" You asked nervously. You heard a snicker from Rewind. "Don't worry! We won't!" "I can hear that camera rolling, Rewind!" You snapped. You jumped when something was placed in your hands. "Open your eyes." You opened one eye at first, then the other. You couldn't believe it. It was a sweater, unbelievingly soft, knitted in your favorite colors. Even better, in the middle of the oversized sweater was a large red Autobot symbol. You stared at it, eyes wide. When you finally raised your head, you had tears in your eyes. "Y-You're giving this to me?" "We had to pull some strings, and call in some favors, but yes." Rodimus smiled as bright as the sun from back home. "You're officially an Autobot now." You couldn't hold back your tears anymore. There was no greater honor than to be admitted to the Autobot order. You started to cry, but the tears were those of pure joy. You sniffled and wiped your face before looking at your dear friends. "C-Can I put it on?" They nodded, and you wasted no time. You pulled the sweater over your head, and then smoothed down your hair. The sweater was a few sizes bigger than your usual size, but that only made it comfier. You smiled, and almost wiped your nose on the sleeve, but you stopped yourself and instead used a napkin. "It's both the ugliest pretty sweater and the prettiest ugly sweater I have ever seen. I love it,” you admitted, your voice wobbly. Your fellow Autobots all said ‘Awww!’ at your emotional display. You opened your arms wide and waiting, and the bots got the idea. They all closed in for a group hug, lifting you off of your feet. You were surrounded by those you loved dearly, and you didn’t regret leaving Earth for a second. "Merry Christmas!" You all cheered, echoing each other.

[effectivechildtherapy]

How Can I Find A Child Psychologist Near Me?

As parents, we attempt to supply our kids the first-rate lives viable by means of giving them the equipment they want to lead completely happy and profitable lives. However, once in a while your toddler wants greater than you can provide. Even if you appear to be a doctor or a psychologist yourself, it is vital to discover a expert you can have faith when your infant is struggling with a intellectual fitness issue.

My Child Is Anxious

As a parent, earlier than searching for the nice infant psychologists close to me, I would first seem to be at the reason(s) why I assume my toddler wishes to see a professional. For example, is your infant displaying signs and symptoms of anxiety? Anxiety problems are the most frequent intellectual fitness problems in the United States. In fact, lookup has discovered that anxiousness impacts about 18.1 percentage of the populace – equal to about forty million humans – each and every year.

In different words, it is very common. Luckily, due to the occurrence of these disorders, there are a lot of approaches to deal with anxiety. Recent lookup suggests that cognitive remedy on its very own notably improves anxiousness signs and even reasons entire recuperation from nervousness for about eighty five percentage of humans tested. If your toddler is dwelling with anxiety, you are now not on my own and neither are they. Many different dad and mom have been in your shoes, so there is no disgrace in asking for help.

Types Of Mental Illness

While there are extra than 200 one-of-a-kind kinds of intellectual illnesses, the ones described above are the three most frequent issues that have an effect on adolescents underneath the age of 18. If your infant has any of the above signs or if any of their behaviors situation you, it is time to attain out to a infant psychologist for help. Whether your baby has signs and symptoms of depression, anxiety, ADHD, or any other intellectual or emotional condition, discovering the proper infant psychologist is important. Some Private Child Psychologists are in unique areas, so you have to do your homework and make positive the one you pick out is the great one for your child.

The Statistics

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), simply over 25 percentage of youth between the a long time of thirteen and 18 have an nervousness disorder. There are countless sorts of nervousness such as generalized anxiousness sickness (GAD), social anxiousness disorder, phobias, obsessive-compulsive sickness (OCD), panic sickness (PD), and posttraumatic stress sickness (PTSD). Some of the symptoms that your baby can also have an anxiousness sickness include:

Nightmares

Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep

Increased agitation or anger

Chronic fatigue

Shaking or trembling

Avoiding pals and family

Refusing to go to school

Lack of hobby in favored activities

Trouble concentrating and remembering things

Inability to make decisions

Constantly stressful about the whole lot or simply one positive thing

Increased coronary heart rate

Sweating extra than usual

Gastrointestinal issues

Nervousness or being on edge

Why Is My Child So Sad?

Everyone receives unhappy sometimes. Sadness is an everyday human emotion, and it is a frequent trip for human beings of all ages. However, if your infant indicates symptoms of a disappointment for no apparent purpose and it lasts for extra than a few weeks, it can also be a signal that your infant is depressed. Similar to nervousness disorders, there are exceptional sorts of depression. These encompass foremost depressive disorder, continual depressive disorder, seasonal affective disease (SAD), psychotic depression, and bipolar disorder; older woman teens can additionally go through from premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Some of the symptoms of despair in youth include:

Avoiding buddies and family

Extreme fatigue

Loss of activity in preferred activities

Sleeping extra than usual

Trouble concentrating or making decisions

Changes in appetite

Weight loss or gain

Acts of aggression or agitation for no apparent reason

Sadness for longer than two weeks

Feelings of hopelessness or low self-esteem

Talking about demise or dying

My Child Cannot Sit Still

Attention-deficit hyperactivity sickness (ADHD) is by way of a long way the most frequent intellectual sickness considered in children. Previously acknowledged as attention-deficit disease (ADD), many humans confuse these two names, however they refer to the identical disorder. According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), this frequent disease impacts greater than six million teenagers in the United States.

What precisely is ADHD? It is a persistent neurodevelopmental disease that is most regularly recognized in young people between the a while of six and nine. Researchers are nonetheless no longer positive what motives the condition, however the science in the back of it indicates that youngsters with ADHD have uncommon neurotransmitter endeavor in the brain. Some of the symptoms of ADHD include:

Hyper or stressed behavior

Inability to listen or pay attention

Disruptive behavior

Inability to manipulate impulsive behaviors

Lack of interest to detail

Difficulty listening or perception instructions

Poor company or management

A tendency to lose or misplace matters often

Often distracted or forgetful

Inability to sit down still

Talks too much

Displays little or no patience

It's essential to notice that the scientific neighborhood acknowledges that the information are a bit murky when it comes to diagnosing ADHD. Just due to the fact a toddler reveals the signs listed above, it does now not always suggest that this toddler has ADHD. You'll favor quite a few opinions from special medical doctors earlier than accepting a formal diagnosis.

[mirkwoodshewolf]

My sweet buttercup; Eugene Sledge x reader

*Author’s note*

Hey guys well this only took me a couple days to write this little genius but now I’ve got it done and ready for you all to enjoy. Now I really wanted to try something different with this Eugene fic, I really wanted to DIVE right and get to the heart and root of the blossoming relationship b/t Eugene and the reader in this fic. So more n the lines of what they were like as kids together, early teen years, basically a Pre-WW2 fic mostly before the ending.

Warnings: Fluff, bit of angst, family disownment, mentions of PTSD, forbidden love.

But I hope you all enjoy this fic so much and until next time ;)

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@ixchel-9275​

@simonedk​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@dancingcoolcat​

@queensdivas​

@geek-and-proud​

@queendeakyy​

@kairosfreddie​

___________________________________________________________

*June 14th, 1928*

It was a warm summer day in Mobile, Alabama. In the center of town stood a farmer’s market shop run by Sheldon (L/n).  Sheldon (L/n) was once part of the 1st Marine division back during the Great War.  After the war he settled back home in Mobile to run himself a farm where he was known for growing the brightest, freshest, most delectable apples in the whole state of Alabama.

Why if you asked people where the stores got their apples from, nine times out of ten they would tell you they came from (L/n) farm.  Sheldon while having his shell shock moments from the war, still managed to have the American dream.

He married his high school sweetheart Marianne Lewis and they lived a good life together and had a beautiful baby girl they named (y/n) (l/n).  

Sadly though, when little (y/n) was just a year old, her mom died of breast cancer.  Sheldon was devastated but he tried to keep trudging on by being both hard working man, and loving father to his little girl.

Walking through the town was Dr. Edward Sledge, his wife Mary Frank and their two sons, Edward Jr. Sledge and Eugene Sledge.  Eugene was five years old, going on six come the fall.

His bright auburn hair bounced off the summer sun and as they came right towards Sheldon’s shop, Edward stopped his family in their tracks.

“Maybe we best find another way around.” Suggested Edward warily.

“Edward, it was five years ago, can’t you learn to let it go?” Mary Frank told her husband.

“I have, but Sheldon on the other hand…..that man’s as stubborn as an ox.” It was then Sheldon came out with some crates of food ready to be shipped off to the stores.

As soon as he saw Dr. Sledge, a gruesome scowl came across the farmer’s face.

“Just what do you think you are doing here Sledge?!”

“Now Sheldon calm down, we were only passing by.”

“If you think I’m gonna do any type of business with you, think again! After what you had done…..”

“Sheldon there was nothing my husband could do to help Marianne.”

“Mary Frank you keep out of this.” Her husband warned her cautiously.

“You best listen to him Mary Anne. This is no concern of yours. Now get yourselves as well as those little monsters of yours away from my shop!” he spat down at the ground in disgust before slamming the door of his shop closed.

“Why does Mr. (L/n) hate us so badly mama?” asked Edward Jr.

“Oh never you mind that Edward. It’s just grown up business.” Mary Frank assured her eldest son.

“Come along boys, we’re gonna head back towards the barbershop and go through the back alley there to get to the fair.” The two boys groaned.

“But that’ll take longer!” whined Edward Jr.

“Why do we have to go back!?” groaned Eugene.

“Now boys don’t argue with your father. Now come along, or else we can just head right back home and forget about the fair till next year.” Their mother scolded them.  That immediately got them to stop whining and soon they turned back around and went the long way to the fair.

They barely got a block away from Sheldon’s market shop when Eugene heard someone calling out to them.  It was a faint psst sound so he stopped right by a flower cart and soon peaking out from it was a young girl around his age.

She had curly (h/c) hair and bright (e/c) eyes that sparkled like the stars at night.  Eugene knew this girl very well, it was his best friend (well secret best friend) (Y/n) (l/n).

Yep.  Even though Sheldon has repeatedly drilled into his daughter’s mind to never, ever, ever under any circumstances go anywhere near the Sledge family.  But due to the fact that the two kids were in the same class as one another, they just—clicked immediately.

Her, Eugene, and Sydney Phillips were like the three Musketeers.  But Eugene and (y/n) well—they had a special bond with each other.  They were just like peas and carrots.  Different in every way but somehow they managed to click with each other.

“Eugene, over here!” he smiled before turning to see his parents and older brother who hadn’t noticed he wasn’t with them anymore. He smiled and ran up to (y/n) who had a basket filled with wildflowers in them.

“Hey (y/n). Mrs. Mulley said you were sick last week and that’s why you weren’t at Sunday school, what did you have?”

“Just a bad tummy ache. But I’m all better and I’ll be back in Sunday school tomorrow.”

“That’s good. What did you find?” he said gesturing to her basket.  Sometimes, if they could manage it, Eugene and (y/n) could be seen going out to the fields picking wild flowers together.  They would even have contests to see who could pick the most flowers in a certain amount of time.

“Mostly pink and blue flowers. But check this out,” she then held up a yellow buttercup flower.

“That’s a buttercup flower. My mama sometimes grows those in our garden.” Eugene said.

“Buttercup huh? I like it, it suits it.”

“You know my mama says that if you hold a buttercup under your chin, it’ll make it glow. I tried it once but it didn’t work.” (y/n) looked at it with curiosity before putting it under her chin.

“Does it work for me?” and well and behold, her chin was glowing right over the buttercup flower.

Even at the tender age of five, Eugen B. Sledge always knew he held more than a friendship feeling for (Y/n).  Whenever she’d laugh, his heart would beat faster and it felt like he was being tickled by a billion butterflies in his tummy.

His face would go red every time they would pick wild flowers together, and his heart ached every time she had to mention that her daddy didn’t want her talking to him.

“It sure does buttercup.” He said softly.

“Did you just call me a—”

“(Y/N)! Oh now where is that girl at? (Y/n)!” her father’s voice soon called out from the market.  He whistled for her like she were a dog and that’s when she turned to Eugene and whispered.

“I gotta go, see you at church Eugene, bye!” she quickly ran off with her flower basket towards her daddy.  As Eugene watched her father kneel down in front of her giving her a soft but firm lecture about running off, Eugene couldn’t help but feel those butterflies again.

“Eugene! Eugene!?” at the sound of his brother’s voice, he snapped out of his daze and quickly ran off before Mr. (L/n) could take notice of a Sledge boy staring at the two of them.

*September 17th, 1938*

It was a hard time in America.  For five years now, the whole country was under a Great Depression.  Every American was affected and of course that didn’t exclude the Sledge’s or the (L/n)’s.  Without enough payment for the extra help, it was all up to Sheldon and (Y/n) to work the farm.

And in order to help bring extra money and food on the table, the Sledge siblings both got jobs helping their dad out with his physician at home job.

Right now Sydney and Eugene were walking along the outskirts of Mobile.  Along for the ride was Eugene’s new little pup, Deacon.  He had gotten Deacon as a ‘job well done’ gift from his dad.  A client of his had a dog that recently had a litter of pups but times were tough and if they didn’t get the pups adopted soon they’d be taken to the shelter.

So Edward being the kind hearted gentleman that he was known for, got the dog and decided the pup would be a good gift for his son Eugene, as a token for being such a big help through these uncertain times.

As the two boys walked over the tall hill, they soon came upon the (L/n) farm.  Sydney and Eugene were both shocked to see just how much the Depression had affected the farm.

The soil that they remember being a rich stretch of fresh soil was now dried up and cracking.  Weeds were growing up in almost every spot imaginable.  Without the extra help, it was almost impossible to keep the weeds in check.

And of course there was hardly anymore livestock anymore.  Save for the horse, 2 cows, and the chickens.  All the other animals the (L/n)’s once had, had to be sold off in order to get the money they needed to survive.

“Man, I heard (y/n) was struggling but—never did I think it was this badly.” Sydney said with a solemn shake of his head.

“No wonder why she said she had to quit school and be with her dad.”

“Are you sure it ain’t for another reason why you miss her?” teased Sydney.  At that moment (y/n) had came out of the chicken coop with a bunch of eggs in a crate and the two of them watched her enter back into her family home.

“You wish you were right Sid.”

“Oh I know I’m right. I’m always right when it comes to you two. Don’t think I didn’t know about the time in 3rd grade when you offered to do her side of the book report when she broke her leg and had to stay at the hospital.”

“I was being polite and didn’t want her getting held back.” As the two of them bickered back and forth, the 10 month old pup had raced down the hill catching scent of the chickens and crept towards the chicken coop.

Deacon slowly stalked towards the door before entering inside of it.  The young pup stared at the chickens before one of them caught sight of the unfamiliar creature that stood in their coop.

The pup then let out a series of barks which sent the chickens running mad with fear.  From up on the hill, Eugene looked down to see Deacon was gone and from the barks that came down below, he immediately put two and two together.

“DEACON NO STOP!”

“Eugene wait you can’t go down there!” Sydney raced after him.

At that moment, Deacon came out of the coop chasing after the flock of chickens who were racing around frantically trying to escape this wolf-like creature.

(Y/n) immediately peeked out from her bedroom window and was shocked to see what was going on.  The chickens being chased by the dog, the dog being chased by Eugene, and Gene being chased by Sid.

“Oh hey (y/n).” Sid stopped by her bedroom window.

“Sid what in the samhell is going on out here!?”

“Funny you should ask, but uhh—mind helping us out?” she quickly got on her shoes and crawled out of her window before running beside Sydney to try and round up the chickens.

Running around like—well chickens with no heads, Eugene, (Y/n) and Sydney all tried to calm the situation down before he father would return home.

“WHAT’S GOING ON OUT THERE!?!?” at hearing that thunderous voice.  (Y/n) stopped running as she held a chicken in her arms and froze in fear.

“You guys need to get out of here, now!” she urged Eugene and Sydney on.  Eugene who had finally gotten hold of Deacon turned towards (Y/n) but before he could say a word, a gunshot was heard and the shot landed just a few inches away from his foot.

“C’mon Eugene lets go!” Sydney pleaded and soon the two men took off running for the hills.  The backdoor slammed open and there stood Sheldon with his shotgun in hand and his jaw dropped at the sight before him.

All the chickens out of their coop, now finally calm, the chicken coop now lay there in rubble (when (y/n) and Gene tried to wrangle Deacon and a few chickens that had gotten back into the coop, the sudden jostling and heavy weight of both humans trying to calm the situation down, forced the coop to collapse under their weight).

“What-gup—what happened here!? (Y/n) (m/n) (l/n). You were supposed to be gathering the chicken eggs!!”

“I know daddy.”

“Then why the hell are they out and about!? How did the coop get destroyed!? JUST WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING GIRL!?!?”

From up on the hill, Eugene’s heart broke at hearing (y/n) getting yelled at by her own father.  She had nothing to do with this.  So getting the courage, he held Deacon once more and walked down the hill back towards the farm.

“Eugene, Gene don’t you dare! He’ll kill you if you go over there. Eugene!” Sydney hissed out quietly but Gene refused to listen to his best friend.

“I—” (Y/n) began to respond till Eugene’s voice called out.

“She didn’t do it sir.” The two of them turned around.  Gripping his gun tighter, Sheldon stood in front of his daughter and said lowly.

“What was that boy?”

“The chicken coop. And the reason why the chickens got out. It was my fault. (Y/n) had nothing to do with it. You see my dog—”

“Great, the Sledge’s have a dog. One more thing to worry about.” Sheldon muttered angrily to himself.

“Please Mr. (L/n), don’t blame (y/n) for this. She was doing her job just like you told her to do. If anyone’s the blame, it’s me. And I’ll do anything to make it up to you.” Hearing Eugene confess, it made (y/n)’s heart flutter and place her hand over her heart.

“Oh you can be damned well sure you will boy. As much as I hate to say this. You’ll be helping me out for the rest of the Harvest season, as well as repairing the chicken coop! And you young lady, come with me.”

He dragged his daughter back to the house as he whispered harshly to her.

“Throughout the time he’s here repairing and helping out, I don’t want you anywhere near him. No daughter of mine is gonna be seen with a Sledge.” As her father continue to rant out his hatred towards the Sledges, (Y/n) turned back towards Eugene and softly smiled at him and mouthed out a thank you.

Eugene smiled softly and seeing her smile it was like cupid’s arrow had struck him as he made goo-goo eyes at her.  Even as Sydney snapped his fingers in Gene’s face to get him to snap out of it, Gene was stuck under the love spell he was on.

As agreed; Eugene worked with his father helping him run the at home physician and on his breaks, he’d ride his bike over to (Y/n)’s place to repair the chicken coop, as well as pull out the weeds.

Of course that didn’t stop Eugene and (Y/n) from sneaking puppy love eyes at each other as the two teens were put to work. Throughout the harvest season, it only allowed Eugene and (Y/n) to grow closer than they ever were before.

*June 14th, 1941*

Eugene and (Y/n).  Never has there been a couple more meant for each other.  Sid always referred to them as childhood sweethearts, and now for these past several years, they’ve really seemed to just hit it off.  And with him being the only real person who knew of their ‘more than friendship’ relationship, he kept that to himself.

Of course Eugene’s parents never turned (y/n) away.  From the early days when they were kids, they welcomed her with open arms.  What they didn’t know was their blossoming relationship. Neither of their parents knew of their courting with each other, and they wanted to keep it that way for just a little while longer.

The two of them were at their favorite hillside where they once picked wildflowers when they were kids.  Splayed out along a blanket cuddled close together watching the summer sunset.  Eugene lying on his back with (y/n) lying her head against his chest, their hands intertwined with each other’s and their thumbs stroking the back of each other’s hands.

“Happy Anniversary my love.”

“What do you mean Gene?” she looked up at him.

“You heard me, happy 131, 456 hour anniversary.” Eugene said with a small grin as he picked up a buttercup flower and tucked it behind her ear.

“What? That’s way longer than when we first met.”

“I know. But it’s the anniversary of the day I first called you my buttercup.” He said as he cupped her face.  Inside (y/n) felt warm and fuzzy remembering that day by the flower cart when Eugene had called her buttercup after finding out one glow underneath her chin. “But it’s fine if you forgot and didn’t get me anything.” Teased Eugene as he sat up trying to hide a grin.  She rolled her eyes at Eugene’s teasing.

“Actually I did.” She crawled towards a log and pulled out a guitar case.  Eugene’s eyes widened and as she opened the case up he said.

“Oh darlin you shouldn’t have but uhh—I don’t really know how to play.”

“Quiet you.” she teased back as she took the guitar (which was actually hers) and she began playing a soft tune.  After letting the soft tune play for a bit she opened her mouth and began to sing.

As she sang; she began to remember all the times she and Eugene had together.  From sharing secret letters/drawings with each other (with Deacon being the messenger dog), nature walks together, or secretly waving at each other from her father’s shop.

Their times doing out to the soda shops every Saturday night to go dancing.  Always dancing together

We're far apart in every way

But you're the best part of my day

And sure as I breathe the air

I know we are the perfect pair

On a prickly path that goes on for miles

But it's worth it just to see you smile

And I cannot be pulled apart

From the hold you have on my heart

And even if the world tells us it's wrong

You're in my head like a catchy song

“I’ve always loved hearing you sing.” Sighed Eugene lovingly.

“The song’s not too gushy is it? Be honest now.”

“It’s everything but gushy, please sing more for me.” He said as he laid his head close to her thigh. (Y/n) continued to sing while Eugene just stared at her with loving eyes.

More memories came to both of them from their nature walks through any type of weather whenever they had free time.  The stargazing’s they’ve done, and even one time when (Y/n) was struggling with the farm one spring that she ended up working till nightfall.

When morning came that morning, she found herself being covered with Eugene’s jacket and just a couple feet away from her, laid an exhausted Gene.  He had actually came by and done the rest of the work for her so that she could get some sleep.  As he slept, she had sat down beside Eugene and stroked through his auburn hair.

The seasons change and leaves may fall

But I'll be with you through them all

And rain or shine, you'll always be mine

On a prickly path that goes on for miles

You're the only one who makes it all worthwhile

And you should not blame me, too

If I can't help fallin' in love with you...

At the last verse, the two of them went red. While they have called each other their love or life, and while they were technically courting, neither of them has actually those three binding words.  (Y/n) covered her mouth with her hand and looked down shyly as her face went red.

“Well that’s unfair. I was gonna tell you that first.”

“Yeah right.”

“I’m serious, I was gonna pull you up,” he stood up and helped her stand up. “Cover your eyes,” he covered her eyes. “Lead you over here.” He then guided her as he kept his hands over her eyes towards the wooded area of the fields. “And say surprise!” he uncovered her eyes and (Y/n) saw the sweetest thing she would ever see.

There along the willow tree they used to climb when they were kids, was a heart engraved at the center of the trunk and written in that heart were their initials. E.B.S + (F/I). (M/I). (L/I). She walked up towards their willow tree and placed her hand over the engravement.

“And then you’d say ‘Oh Genie. It’s—it’s so beautiful. I love it’.” He said imitating her Southern bell voice. “And then I’d say, ‘well, not as much as I love you’.”

“Guess I’m glad I beat you to it then.” She teased as she playfully bumped into him.

“I can accept that.” He said with a proud grin as he wrapped his arms around her waist while she wrapped her around his neck before the two of them finally kissed each other.

It was the kind of kiss that wasn’t deeply passionate that you couldn’t breathe.  It was the kind of kiss that just felt like you found your missing half. Gene and (Y/n) were meant to be together and right as they kissed, it felt like it was right.

They were right for each other.  And they began to dream of their bright future together. But of course no happiness lasts forever.

After returning from the fields later that evening, she came home to see her home filled to the rim with boxes.  She asked her father what was going on and that’s when her father told her the grim truth.

They were moving to North Dakota.

Her father explained to her that the property here was just too dry to farm at anymore.  Ever since the Depression decade the land hasn’t been the same.  So he hired a contractor to tear the family home and the farm down, he had sold off the rest of the animals, and in two days they were gonna get a fresh start in a new land, with new people, and most important for him it would get them away from the Sledges.

(Y/n) was devastated.  Two days and she’d never get to see Sydney Phillips, or Eugene ever again.

When she broke the news to Eugene the next day at the Willow tree, Eugene couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  He held onto his weeping girl waiting for her to calm down before he finally spoke to her.

“But you’re practically an adult now (y/n). He can’t control you anymore.”

“What do you want me to say Eugene? I love you, I really do but—he’s the only family I got. And I—I have to stay with my family. I’m sorry!” with that she took off crying, heartbroken and alone.

Eugene looked towards the carving that he had done with his father’s old doctoring knife he used in the Great war.  He placed his finger’s over (y/n)’s initials and knew what he had to do, but he knew he didn’t have much time so immediately he got on his bike and pedaled off as fast as he could into town.

By nightfall as (y/n) was solemnly packing up her stuff, Eugene came knocking at her window and he told her to come with him. He made up a story that Deacon wasn’t feeling to good and he needed his ‘mama’.  Knowing how much she loved that dog, Eugene and her rode off on his bike.

They soon arrived at the church garden, which was an odd place that Eugene would bring Deacon at, but when she saw the candles all lit up and a beautiful flower archway standing near the back entrance of the church.  

Wide eyed in awe, (Y/n) couldn’t believe what she was seeing.  When she felt Eugene take her hand he got down on one knee and said to her.

“I don’t ever want to be apart from you. I don’t know what’ll happen in the future but—all I know is now. And I know that I love you so much that I’d marry you today. If you’ll have me that is?” tears of happiness filled her eyes as she said to Eugene.

“I’d like that too.” Eugene smiled and stood up as he embraced his fiancée and spun her around, the two of them cheering and laughing with glee.

After settling down, the two of them walked arm-in-arm with each other towards the pastor (who was actually their own Sunday school teacher who had since went up the ranks and was now one of the head pastor of their church).  With Sydney Phillips as their witness and Eugene’s best man, the ceremony began.

The two young teens shared their vows together before the house of God and proclaimed their loyalty and love to each other.

“Then by the name of our Holy Father and in the eyes of the law; I now pronounce you—”

“Pastor Jacob! Pastor Jacob! Please can you help us our son is—Eugene? (Y/n)?” coming behind Sydney were Eugene’s parents.

“What is going on here?” asked Eugene’s father.

“(Y/n)!? Where are you girl you’re supposed to be packing!” soon coming up behind (y/n) from the bushes was her father.  As soon as he saw his daughter with the Sledge’s he sneered out, “What are you two doing?” As both families came closer to see just what was going on, that’s when Eugene spoke up as he wrapped his arm around his future wife.

“Mother, father, Mr. (L/n). (Y/n) and I are getting married.”

“What!?” all three parents shouted in shock.

“That’s right. And we’ll officially be married as soon as Pastor Jacob says…..” (y/n) said firmly as she looked back at the pastor.

“Oh right, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.” He stepped aside as he closed his Bible.

“Mrs. (Y/n) Sledge, has a nice ring to it don’t you think?” Eugene said as he cupped his wife’s face.

“Indeed.” The two of them kissed each other finally sealing the deal.

“What are you talking about married!? You both are too young to be married!” Mary Frank scolded as she came between them and pushed Eugene aside.

“Finally something we can agree on.” Sheldon spoke as he now stood beside his daughter. “(Y/n) (m/n) (l/n) you listen to me and you listen good, girl. We’re moving and that’s final. And you have got to stick with your family! So enough of this foolish teenage fantasy and come home!” he grabbed her wrist and began to drag her away.

Finally having enough of her father’s grudge against the Sledges, she broke free of his grip and proclaimed.

“No daddy!”

“No?” her father asked as if he had been punched in the face.

“The Sledges are my family now too. In the eyes of God and the law as Pastor Jacob has said.” Eugene brushed past his mother and stood beside his wife to give her backup.

“You can’t be serious. Are you really choosing to be family with the ones responsible for your mother’s death over your own flesh and blood?!”

“Are you making me choose?” she spoke with a trembled lip as tears filled her eyes.

Her father stood there in shock and everyone around them grew tense.  Could a father really force his daughter to choose who she sides with?

“Yes. I am.” Her father demanded.  Finally hearing that answer broke (y/n)’s heart but she stood her ground as she spoke in a broken voice.

“Then yeah. I guess I am.” Her father’s face showed absolutely betrayal before his eyes grew red and he snapped at her.

“Then I guess I have no daughter anymore.” Without another word he stormed away from the church.

Heartbroken by her father’s words, (y/n) wept out a river of tears.  Eugene held his new wife close to him trying to comfort her, meanwhile Dr. Sledge walked up to the young newlyweds and placed a comforting hand to his new daughter in law’s shoulder.  She looked up at the old physician and he told her.

“You’ve always been like family to us (Y/n). You’ve always had love here with us. Right Mary Frank?” after witnessing what she had seen, she couldn’t deny the fact that ever since they were kids, her son and this young girl were just destined to be together.

“Even though I don’t condone you both being married so young while you’re still in school Eugene, there’s—I cannot stop the bond that it is you both share with each other.” Hearing those words coming from her new mother and father, it repaired some of the damage that (y/n)’s heart had taken.

“Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Sledge.” She thanked them.

“Oh sweet pea, call me mama.” Mary Frank said as she came up and cupped (y/n)’s face.

“And whenever you feel like it, you can call me dad.” Dr. Sledge said with a warm smile.  (Y/n) never felt so grateful to the Sledges, she continued to weep as she now hugged her new parents and they warmly embraced her back.  Welcoming her to the family officially.

*August 29th, 1945 1st Person POV*

I lot has happened in the past few years. Six months after Eugene and I got married, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and America was officially in the war with the Axis Powers.

Eugene wanted to enlist so badly but dad said that his heart murmur prevented him from enlisting, they knew with that he would never get it.  So he always begged his father for frequent checkups every day until one day it was gone. That was the day my life changed forever.

I begged and pleaded with Genie to not go but he kept saying he had to do this.  He’d feel like a failure if he were stuck doing bond trades or collecting scrap metal, while so many men including our dear friend Sid are fighting out in the front lines.

At that point I knew I couldn’t argue with him anymore and so he enlisted.  Of course the night before he left, we made sure to make that night extra special because we both didn’t know if this would be the last time we’d see each other.  We memorized each other’s kiss, scent, and touch (and I knew Eugene was trying much harder than I was since I knew he’d suffer the worse).

I went back to school, got my high school diploma and I’m currently now working as a teacher’s work assistant as well as a part-time librarian at the local library.  I had remained with mom and dad taking care of house as well as Deacon (God rest his little soul) just trying to distract myself from missing Eugene.

It was (for once this past few weeks) a cool Summer’s day.  I was tending to the garden outside planting a few roses, daffodils and of course buttercup flowers but I didn’t expect to suddenly get jumped by two little body masses.

Soon enough I was in the dirt and two 3 year old kids were piled on top of me.  One was a little boy who looked so much like his daddy when I first met him, except he had my hair and eye color, and the other was a girl with the same curly hair I once had as a kid and her daddy’s auburn hair and brown eyes but the rest were my looks.

“We gotcha mommy now say you surrender!” my son proclaimed as he held up his toy gun at me, while my daughter had a couple of sticks, pretending they were a bow and arrow.

“I surrender, you both got me.” I held my arms up in surrender.  They cheered as they got off of me but that’s when I tackled them both to the ground and began tickling them both.

The two of them laughed as they tried to escape my clutches but soon our moment was interrupted by one of the servants, Octavia.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Sledge?” I stopped playing with the kids and the look on her face was—unreadable.

“What is it Octavia?”

“Just come inside (y/n) dear, there’s—someone who you need to see.” Oh god please don’t tell me. Not when the war was finally over do I get the news.

“Mommy, what is it?” asked my son.

“Gene, you and your sister stay with Octavia okay?” I told him as I stood up and brushed the dirt off my dress as best as I could.  

Slowly I walked through the back entrance towards the dining room where I knew mom was at stacking the dishes.  I almost didn’t even want to turn the corner to see an officer in uniform telling us now that Eugene was dead.  Finally I worked up the courage to turn the corner and there my heart stopped.

Standing right there by his mother and father in full Marine uniform, was my Genie.

He slowly walked towards me and I him until we finally met in the middle.  For years I’ve dreamed of this day to come that—now it feels like it is a dream.  He raised his hand to my face and the moment I felt his touch, I knew this couldn’t be a dream.

“You—you’re as beautiful as the day I left buttercup.” At that moment, the tears poured down my face as I felt myself collapsing against him.  Eugene kept me steady as his head rested against mine and he rocked me back and forth.

“You’re back! You came back…..” I wept into his uniform.

“I told you I would.” He whispered to me.

“Mama?” Eugene and I separated from each other to see Octavia bringing in the kids. “Why are you crying?” asked my baby girl. When I looked up at Eugene, his eyes were wide and his body fell tense.

“Genie, I—I didn’t want to share this with you through letter. But—I’d like you to meet two very special people of mine. Kids come here.” Shyly they walked from Octavia up to me and Eugene as we now knelt down to their height.

Our kids soon came up and our daughter hid behind my back while our son fiddled with the ends of my dress as he curled himself around my arm.

“Eugene, these are our kids. The oldest of the twins is our son, Eugene B. Sledge Jr. and our baby girl, Daphne Eliza Sledge. Kids—this……is your daddy. He’s come home to us.” My son looked up at me hesitantly and I nodded to him telling him it was okay to go see him.

Little Gene walked up to his daddy and just stared up at him in both awe but a hint of fear.

“Little Gene, suits him. Guess you managed to convince Sid to not let us name our first boy after him.” Eugene teased at me as he gently ruffled his son’s hair.  Knowing that this strange man in uniform wasn’t going to hurt him, little Gene smiled and immediately embraced his daddy.

Eugene embraced his son and kissed the top of his head and it just made my heart soar at seeing both my boys finally meeting each other and already loving each other.  After giving his son some of his love, he looked behind me to our baby girl who was still shyly trying to hide from him.

“It’s okay sweetie bell. He won’t hurt you.” I assured her.  Slowly but surely, she came out till she stood by my arm and clung onto it just like her brother.

“My, my, my. You—you look exactly like your mother when I first met her. Guess now I’ve got two buttercups.”

“How did you know my name?” Eugene looked at me confused so I explained to him.

“She likes to be called buttercup. Says it sounds more prettier than her real name.”

“Well whatever name you prefer darling, it sounds beautiful. Just like your mother, and just like you.” he gently booped his daughter’s button nose which made her giggle and finally loosen up around her daddy. Before long she too cuddled into her daddy’s chest and he gave her the same love and affection he gave his son.

Seeing him hold our two kids just—finally felt right. I always knew Gene would be a natural dad, and even now after being through such hell for the past 3 years, he can finally have some peace knowing his family has now grown.

The rest of the day it was just the four of us bonding and getting to know each other.

Of course I knew life wouldn’t be the same as it was before.  For example the nightmares.  Every night Eugene would suffer terrible and horrifying nightmares.  Some nights I ended up staying awake all night just to make sure he didn’t suffer alone.

There wasn’t much I could do except to just assure him that he wasn’t there anymore and that he was home.  Sometimes the kids would ask him why they would hear their daddy scream and cry but I told them to not ask him such questions yet.

After Eugene had returned with his dad from the dove hunting, I could see from the tearstains on his face and the slight red in his eyes that it didn’t go so well and that he had suffered flashbacks (I still remember when—well my old father still suffered from them night after night).

So Eugene and I, along with the kids decided to head out to Genie and is old favorite spot out in the fields.  He and I were lying on our backs cuddled close to each other while the kids went off to pick wildflowers.

“How long till you found out about them?” he asked me.  I looked up at him before turning towards our kids.

“A couple weeks after you left for bootcamp. I just felt so sick till dad checked me out and that’s when it was confirmed that I was pregnant. I would’ve mentioned it but—something like that can’t be said through letters.”

“They’re beautiful though. Just like you.” he said as I felt his nose bury itself into my neck.

“And you.”

“Mama! Daddy!” soon our kids came running up to us and Buttercup held up a buttercup flower. “Look what I found!”

“Yes sweetheart, you found the flower you’re named after. Did you know of a legend that goes with this flower?” she shook her head no.  I took hold of the buttercup and told her, “If you hold a buttercup under your chin, it’ll make it glow. See how it works on me?” both my children looked at me in pure awe.

“Let me try! Let me try!” Little Gene called out as he reached out to take the flower.  He took it and held it under his chin asking repeatedly if it was working. When Buttercup shook her head, Little Gene pouted, god he really was just like his daddy.

“No worries little Gene. It never worked on me either when I was your age, see?” his daddy said as he held the flower under his chin.

“Can I try it next daddy?” asked Buttercup. Gene nodded and held the flower under his daughter’s chin and low and behold, it worked on her.  He smiled as he shook his head softly scoffing.

“Does it work?” she asked him.

“It sure does Buttercup. Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, huh (n/n)?” I smiled as he picked up his daughter and began kissing her all over her cheek making her giggle.

“Mommy can you sing for us?” asked little Gene as he crawled his way into my lap.

“What would you like me to sing?”

“The catchy song!” The kids both proclaimed. I smiled and said.

“Okay. But you both know I don’t have the guitar with me to play it.”

“Please mommy!” they both gave me the puppy dog eyes they inherited from their father.

“I swear Eugene this trick came from you.”

“Uhh excuse me? You’ve done the puppy dog eye trick on me way longer than I have. Don’t you put this on just me.” Eugene said trying to point the blame on me.  I scoffed that’s when Little Gene said.

“Mommy sing for us now!”

“Now, now Little Gene, that’s not the way to get something from your mother or from anyone. If you want something you ask politely.” Eugene gently scolded his son.  Little Gene nodded and apologized to me.  I told him it was fine and that’s when I began singing the song that I had made for Eugene what felt like an eternity ago, which now became the kids’ favorite song.

Eugene set our baby girl down and laid his head across my lap while I stroked through his auburn hair as well as down his face. And every time my fingers came close to his lips, he would pucker them out and give each of my fingers or the back of my hand a kiss.  The kids all lay down close to us with my boy laying his head near my knee while our baby girl cuddled herself tight against her daddy’s side, like a little kitten.

After I finished the song, Eugene and I thought it best to head back home and put these kids down for their nap.  I grabbed our son while Eugene held our baby girl, both our kids clung onto us once they knew we had hold of them.  Eugene and I looked at each other before leaning in and giving each other a soft kiss before heading back to the house.

[softrebootwellness]

What are the Causes of Depression in Young Adults?

Issues related to mental health are rising. In some societies, talking about mental health is still considered ‘taboo’. Depression is one such mental health issue that is often neglected. Mostly young people feel low, sad, or “blue” at times which is normal behavior, it is a normal response to experiences that are upsetting or stressful. But when these feelings continue to persist over of longer period or start impairing your daily life day yo day task, it can be classified as an illness known as “depression” and you will be needing an immediate doctor’s appointment. Depression is one of the most common mental health concerns all around the planet affecting young people most of the time. The good part is that it is fully treatable. According to studies, 80% of the patients with depression who undergo the required treatment have a better quality of life. They feel much better and enjoy their lives.

Causes of depression in young people:

It is nearly impossible to state a single most specific cause of depression. It is a multifactorial condition with having genes and family tendency could predict whether someone is likely to be susceptible to suffering from depression. The modern life of young people and its associated pressure along with career and studies-related stress is also considered as one of the reasons young people suffer from depression.

In today’s world, our society has been modernized and our youth are fed with information that adds extra pressure on them to complete the challenging needs that are often unrealistic. The young people are overwhelmed with images as to how they are supposed to look, what they are supposed to have, and how they are meant to behave in public, all of which are considered to be important to life-based on just assumptions. When young people see that they can’t become the images that are portrayed to them through social media and television, they frequently feel different and that they are up to no good. Ultimately, this feeling leads them to feel useless and develop low self-esteem which can lead to symptoms of depression.

Educational institutes can be a great setting for learning, development, and growth for all the young people but it can also be a place where they struggle in terms of adjusting according to the norms, keeping up with a lot of homework, exam stress, scores related to stress and performance pressures. Getting low marks at a school exam can result in frustration and may lead to sadness and depressed feelings too. At times, students experience bullying as well which can cause serious mental and physical health-related issues later in life. A feeling of anxiety, lack of concentration, and low self-esteem can result. Then the transfer from one school to another or leaving that school might act to be a trigger for the onset of symptoms of depression.

People in their teens and twenties have to go through multiple stressful relationships and breakups which act as a trigger for depression. For some people, a negative, stressful or unhappy home environment is also a reason for having low self-esteem and experiencing symptoms of depression. Conflicts and fights in a family, parental divorce, or separation leading to a change in the home dynamics can also lead to feelings of anger, insecurity, guilt, and a sense of loss.

Several young people are reported to have been having depression due to poverty, abuse, or violence in their homes. Difficulties in making and maintaining friendships or relationships can lead to hopelessness and depression which even makes it further difficult for the younger generation to find and connect with someone they feel comfortable with to share their insecurities and worries. There are several other triggers too that have been identified in the lives of young people and they include loss of a loved one, physical illness of self or a loved one, living with a partner or a parent who has depression, being the victim of emotional or physical abuse, gaining weight, or mostly due to financial problems too.

Most effective treatment:

Several treatment options can be served to young people. however, ketamine infusion therapy is the most suggested one especially in such cases where all the other treatment options have failed. IV ketamine therapy has proven to show highly effective results in all age groups.

[robinrunsfiction]

Swing Life Away

Pairing: Gerard Way x Female Reader Rating: Teen Requested By: None Word Count: ~7,000 Author’s Note: This story is about about what can happen between two people whose lives aren’t turning out exactly how they planned and what happens when they turn to each other.  Inspired originally by the song “Hold On To Me” by Mayday Parade, there is a full playlist here of songs that inspired this story. TWs for mentions of substance abuse and depression. Post Bullets-era AU.

Gerard sighed as he pulled up in front of the convenience store. His well worn hoodie didn’t provide much relief against the New Jersey autumn air as he hurried inside. After checking the amount of cash he had in his pocket, he got a small coffee and headed to the counter. He rocked on his heels as he waited for the person being helped ahead of him to finish. Finally it was his turn.

“Anything else?” The girl behind the counter asked as she punched his coffee into the register, then she looked up. “Oh hey Gerard.”

Hearing her say his name, he looked up as well. “Oh, hey (YN), it’s been a while,” he smiled a little awkwardly.  “Umm, can I get a pack of cigarettes?”

“Yea, sure. How’ve you been? I haven’t seen any fliers for a My Chem show recently, are you guys not playing right now?”

Gerard’s eyes widened for a moment and his mouth went dry. He didn’t think he would be having this conversation today, but (YN) had been coming out to My Chem shows since the beginning and he knew she was a genuinely nice person who deserved to hear the truth. “Umm, I broke it up.”

(YN)’s jaw dropped and she started to blush. “Shit, I’m sorry, I hadn't heard, otherwise I wouldn’t have brought it up,” she replied, nervously tucking at her hair.

“It’s ok,” he shrugged, trying not to let on that he was still disappointed about the whole situation. “Ray and Frank already found other bands to play with and I got a job at the comic book store so I’m back to something else I enjoy, so it’s ok really.”

“What about Mikey?”

Gerard rubbed at the back of his neck. “That’s why I broke it up. He, umm, he's got some problems. He’s in rehab,” Gerard mumbled the last part, barely audible to (YN).

“Fuck,” she breathed, looking down at the counter in front of her.

“Yea, our parents blamed me for the whole thing and kicked me out. I’ve been couch surfing for a while, or just staying in my car,” Gerard nodded toward his beat up old car parked out front. “Sorry, I just kinda dumped that all on you.”

“No, I asked, and I understand. Shit, I’m really sorry about all that,” (YN) said as she took Gerard’s money for his purchase. “Hey, please don’t be afraid to say no because this is a crazy idea I just had, but my roommate moved in with her boyfriend because she got knocked up, and I’ve been looking for someone to split the rent with. If you’re looking for a place,” (YN) trailed off with a shrug.

“Really?” Gerard asked, eyebrows raised. He was surprised at the offer. None of his friends that he had been crashing with had offered to let him stay more than a couple days at a time.

“Yea, I mean, why not?” She shrugged. “Wanna come over and check it out tonight?”

“Sure, that sounds good, what time?”

“I get off at 6, so like 6:30?”

“Yea, I can do that,” he smiled and (YN) felt like a massive weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

“Cool, here’s the address and my phone number for whatever,” she said as she scrawled the information on the back of his receipt.

“I’ll see you tonight,” he said with a wave after pocketing the cigarettes. For once in a long time, Gerard finally had some hope that things were about to turn around.

~

When (YN)’s shift was over at 6, she rushed home to quickly straighten up before Gerard arrived. She desperately needed a roommate or she’d have to break her lease and be in the same situation Gerard currently found himself in, but she didn’t want to let any stranger move in. At least she knew Gerard a bit; he was always nice and fun to be around when they hung out after shows, plus he had a regular job, which was good enough for her. 

Shortly after 6:30 the doorbell rang and she rushed to answer it. “Hey Gerard, come on in.”

“Thanks,” he smiled, almost a little nervously. 

(YN) gave him the tour through the small house, showing him the open bedroom across the hall from her own, the kitchen, and bathroom. “As you can see, I don’t really have a lot of furniture,” she said when they got back to the empty living room. “My roommate had all that unfortunately, so I just kinda hang out in my room. I don’t have any weird rules or anything, and the neighborhood is safe, sooo yea. Rent would be $600 a month each plus utilities, if you’re interested after all that.”

Gerard looked around again. “Yea, I mean this would be great.”

(YN) let out a sigh of relief she didn’t realize she was holding. “Oh that’s awesome, thank you. I really didn’t wanna lose this place.”

“Oh yea, I understand,” he smiled his lopsided smile. “How soon can I move in?”

“Whenever you want. My old roommate had paid through the end of this month, so we’re ok there. I’ll let the landlord know and do the paperwork stuff.”

“Do you mind if I stay tonight? ‘Cause I don’t have,” he trailed off.

(YN) felt absolutely gutted when she realized he meant he'd be spending the night in his car, as temperatures dropped near freezing. “Oh, shit, yea, I can help carry stuff in if you want,” (YN) said quickly, grabbing her coat from the closet and following him out to his car.

Gerard didn’t have much with him, a few changes of clothes, a blanket, pillow, and a backpack full of cds and comics. He insisted that he was fine to sleep on the floor, but (YN) still gave him an extra pillow and a couple of blankets to make himself a bit more comfortable.

"Thanks again (YN) for letting me move in here and everything," Gerard said as (YN) turned to go. "I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it."

"I think it's gonna work out well for both of us," she smiled as she closed the door behind her.

~

Gerard retrieved the rest of his belongings that weekend and got everything moved into his room. (YN) tried to give him space while he got settled, but eventually they started talking a bit more, getting to know each other as they got used to being around each other.

A few weeks later, (YN) was sitting on the counter next to the microwave when Gerard arrived home from work, the smell of fresh popcorn greeting him. “Hey, what are you doing tonight?” (YN) asked as Gerard walked into the kitchen.

“Umm, nothing, why?” Gerard asked.

“I was getting ready to watch a movie, if you wanna hang out.”

“Yea, sure,” he nodded. “What were you thinking?”

“I dunno, any of the classics that are easy to watch, like Star Wars or Back to the Future,” she shrugged.

Gerard’s eyes lit up. “I was thinking about Empire Strikes Back earlier today.”

“Well let’s watch that one then,” she nodded, hopping off the counter as the microwave beeped.

Gerard went back to his room and dropped his backpack on the bed. He opened it up and examined the bottle of alcohol he had purchased after work. He wasn’t sure why he did it, he had told Mikey that he’d get sober too, but he had been feeling so depressed lately, he thought it might help to take the edge off.

Instead, he stashed it under his desk and changed out of his work clothes and into some pajama pants and a comfortable t-shirt so he could relax. When he walked into (YN)’s room, he was reminded of the lack of places to sit other than with her on her bed. “I’ll go get my desk chair,” he said, turning to leave.

“Oh grow up, you can sit on my bed with me,” she laughed, patting the spot next to her.

“I didn’t wanna assume,” he said rolling his eyes as he sat down, the popcorn bowl between them. Gerard finally had a chance to really look around her room, and the first thing he noticed next to the modest tv was a bookshelf filled with movies. "Woah, I never noticed your movie collection before, how'd you get so many?"

"My cousin worked for Blockbuster up until a couple years ago. She got all those at a discount and when she moved to Chicago she decided she didn't want them anymore and gave them to me."

"That's cool," Gerard replied, continuing to look around. Against the amethyst walls white Christmas lights were hung, bathing the room in a warm glow. Taped to her wall above her bed were dozens of photos, that appeared to be mainly of friends, parties, concerts, and pink roses. "You have a lot of friends."

"I don't talk to most of them any more," she said, glancing up. "They all moved on with their lives and I stayed here."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Gerard replied. He had been one of those people, he had moved on with his life, until it got out of control and now he was here as well.

(YN) shrugged. “Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should try to move on too,” she said with a nod to the photos. “Stop living in the past or whatever. Anyway, what’s it like working at the comic book store?”

Gerard shrugged. “It’s pretty good. On slow days I can just read comics for my whole shift, and the people that come in are pretty cool to talk to.”

“Do you miss music?”

Gerard looked thoughtful for a moment. “Some days. But as long as I’m doing something I enjoy, I’m happy.”

(YN) glanced over at him and smiled. “That’s good.”

Later that night (YN) had gotten up to go to the bathroom when she noticed a sliver of light coming from Gerard's doorway. When she peeked in, she saw him at his desk, working intently.

“What are you working on?” Gerard heard (YN) ask from the doorway.

“Oh umm, just this comic idea I’ve been working on,” he replied. When he looked back at her, he spotted his clock, reading that it was nearly 4 AM. “It’s so late, did I wake you up?”

“No, I just got up to go to the bathroom and I saw your light on,” she said padding quietly into the room. “Can I see?”

“Sure,” he said, turning the paper toward her.

“That’s really really good. What’s it about?”

“They’re like an adopted family of superheroes. They all have different powers and their father is trying to train them to save the world,” he said looking up at her. To his surprise, she seemed to be genuinely interested.

“You’re really talented."

"It's not that great," he shrugged.

“Pfft, are you kidding? That girl is so pretty, and there aren’t even words yet and I can tell this guy is super mad at this other aloof guy.”

Gerard looked back up at her in awe. “I’ve been struggling all night because I didn’t think it conveyed that clearly enough.”

“Nah, it’s great, you’re doing great,” she replied. “Are you just doing it for fun, or are you gonna try to get it printed?”

“I’d love to get a comic printed, but I don’t know if I ever will.”

“Like I said, you’re really talented, I bet you could make it happen. I’ll even buy a copy and tell people that you were my roommate when you were working on it.”

Gerard laughed lightly. “I’ll dedicate it to you.”

“I can’t wait. G’night Gerard,” (YN) said before retreating back to her room.

~

It was a bitterly cold winter day when (YN) returned home from work to find another car in front of the house. When she came in, she heard another voice she thought she recognized.

“Hey (YN),” Gerard called as she walked into her room.

“Yea?” She called back, dropping her things.

“Mikey’s here.”

“Oh! Hey Mikey, how’s everything going?” (YN) asked, as she walked into Gerard’s room and found his brother sitting on the bed. 

“Good,” he nodded.

She nodded as well. “I'll get out of your hair, sorry to interrupt,” (YN) waved as she ducked back into her room. Gerard had been talking about how well Mikey had been doing since finishing his program, but as far as she was aware, this was the first they had seen each other since he had completed it.

A while later she was in the kitchen getting dinner when Gerard walked Mikey to the door,  exchanging a hug before he left. After the door was closed, Gerard let out a sigh.

“Mikey looked like he’s doing good,” (YN) said as Gerard trudged into the kitchen.

“Yea,” he replied, but the tone of his voice wasn’t happy. “But he doesn’t think he can stay clean here so he’s moving.”

“Really? Where?”

“California. We got some family out there that will keep him straightened out, and keep him away from the people who got him messed up in the first place, like me.”

"Did he say you specifically?"

"No, but-"

“Gerard,” (YN) interrupted sternly. “Just because you started the band doesn’t mean you’re to blame for what he chose to do.”

“I shoulda been looking out for him more. I was such a drunk shtihead I didn’t even know what was happening,” he said running his hands through his hair.

(YN) stepped forward grabbing his arms and pulling them down. “Gerard! I have spent months now listening to you talk about Mikey. You guys both learned some lessons the hard way, but he wouldn’t have kept calling you while he was in rehab and come to visit today if he blamed you. He could have cut you off, moved to California without a word, but he didn’t. That means something, right?”

Gerard looked like he was on the verge of tears but he nodded.

“You guys are both gonna be alright,” she said, letting go of his arms, and wrapping him in a hug.“Sorry, “ just felt like,” she said trailing off with a shake of her head when she pulled back.

“It’s fine, I needed that,” he smiled. “All of it, thank you.”

~

It didn’t seem like enough time had passed when in the late spring (YN) checked the mail and found a letter from their landlord with the paperwork to renew their lease. She sighed nervously as she made her way to Gerard’s room. Now it wasn't just that she didn’t want to have to find a new place to live, it was the fact that she liked living with Gerard. She liked hanging out with him and she had come to care for him as a real friend. She also recently realized that she had at some point developed more feelings for him, but she pushed those aside.

“Hey Gee?” She said knocking on his door.

“Yea?” She heard him call from the other side before she opened the door.

“We got the lease renewal paperwork today. Did you wanna extend the lease for a full year?”

“Yea, sure. I like it here,” Gerard replied with a smile.

(YN) let out a sigh of relief. “Good, I’m really glad to hear that. I’ll leave this with you, just bring it back when you get it signed at all the flagged spots.”

“Ok,” Gerard nodded as he flipped through the packet.

A while later (YN) looked up from the magazine she was reading when Gerard knocked on her door. “I got the lease thing signed,” he said, walking in and handing her the paperwork.

“Cool, I’ll drop this off tomorrow,” she nodded. “I’m really glad this has worked out.”

“Me too,” Gerard said. “Umm, I never mentioned it before, but I had been living in my car for a couple weeks when you offered me this place.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize it was that bad,” (YN) murmured.

“I was in a really low place, like I was almost at my breaking point ya know, but umm, when I say this turned everything around for me, I mean it. I was able to pick up more shifts at work and I could afford to go back to my therapist and get on my meds again. So thanks for saving my life,” he said with a nod before turning to leave.

“Gee wait,” she said getting up.

“Yea?”

“I… I don’t know what to say except I’m really glad that you’re here and you matter a lot to me, and,” she shrugged as her words failed her. She just wanted Gerard to know how important he was, not just as someone to share rent with, but as well as all the complicated feelings she kept bottled up inside.

Gerard stepped back across the room and wrapped his arms around her. They stood silently hugging for a while before he pulled back. “Hang on.” (YN) nodded as he hurried over to his room and then came back with a bottle of liquor. “Here, you can have it, or get rid of it, it doesn’t matter to me. I bought it months ago because… it doesn’t matter, but that night you invited me to hang out and that meant a lot. I started working on my comic again that night too.”

“I remember that,” she smiled, as she took the bottle from him. “You’re gonna do big things Gee. I’m glad I can cheer you on.”

~

“Are you sure you don’t wanna come along?” (YN) asked from the doorway of his room. She was heading out to a party with her friend, but to Gerard, she already seemed a little unsteady on her feet. 

“No thanks, I gotta work in the morning,” he replied. Just then, a car horn went off outside the house.

“That’s Eli. I’ll try to be quiet coming in,” (YN) waved before hurrying out to her waiting friend.

Gerard got so wrapped up in the page of his comic he was working on he completely lost track of time until his phone went off. "Hello?" Gerard answered his phone.

"Heeey, is this Gerard? (YN)'s roommate?" He heard a female voice slur from the other end.

"Yea, why?" He asked, panic striking through him. He glanced at his clock, it wasn't that late, why was someone calling him about (YN).

"Can you come get (YN)? She's like super drunk and I'm gonna go back to this guy's place but I don't wanna leave her here alone."

"Wait, is this Eli?"

"Yea, can you hurry up before she barfs or something, I can't deal with that."

"Yea, yea, text me the address, I'm on my way," Gerard replied, already slipping on his sneakers.

A while later Gerard was pulling up in front of the house where the party was happening. As he got out of his car, he saw (YN) sitting on the front lawn with a girl he'd never met before, he presumed it was Eli.

"Hey (YN), are you ok?" He asked as he approached. He could tell (YN) had been crying, despite how dark it was.

"Yea," she sniffled and got up unsteadily.

"I'll call you tomorrow, ok sweetie?" Eli said, already heading toward a guy who had been waiting in the distance.

(YN) waved her off as Gerard helped her to the car. Other than the radio playing an old Radiohead song, there was nothing but silence in the car.

"I've never seen you this drunk," Gerard suddenly blurted out. "Are you ok?"

(YN) sniffled again. "I haven't really eaten in a few days and then Eli wanted to do shots when we got to the party and now I'm stupid and wasted," she whined.

Gerard pulled up to a red light and looked over at (YN). She had her head against the window and was staring blankly ahead. "Why haven't you been eating much? Do you need money for groceries? I can kick in more."

"Because I wanna be skinnier so you'll think I'm pretty like the girl you drew in your comic" she said so softly it was almost a whisper.

Gerard's heart broke at her words. "(YN), I do think you're beautiful. You don't have to change for me at all," he said looking back at her just before the light turned green. (YN) turned her head to look out the window so he couldn't see her reaction.

A few blocks later pulled up in front of a convenience store. "What's your favorite gatorade?" Gerard asked.

"Red," (YN) mumbled.

"Ok, wait here a sec," he said as he got out.

Gerard hurried inside, grabbing a big bottle of the drink, as well as a couple burritos.

"Here you go," Gerard said as he handed her the bag. "At least try to eat one to settle your stomach."

"Thanks," she replied, staring into the bag. She was too embarrassed to look up at Gerard at that moment. She felt like an idiot for getting so drunk that he had to take care of her. If she ever had a shot with Gerard, she was sure she had blown it now. 

The rest of the drive was just as silent as it had started until they arrived back in the house. Gerard put his arm around (YN) and helped her inside. She was already feeling less dizzy as she sat down on the edge of her bed and pulled off her shoes. Gerard took the bottle of gatorade and set it on her bedside table, plugged her phone into the charger, and brought in the garbage can in case she had to be sick. 

"You'll probably feel terrible tomorrow," he said with a slightly sad smile as she pulled the blankets over herself, not even bothering to change out of her clothes.

"I deserve it," she mumbled as she turned her face into her soft, cool pillow.

Before she could fully register what was happening, she felt Gerard kiss her head. "No you don't," he said before turning out the light and shutting the door behind him.

(YN)'s thoughts were spinning like the world had been earlier until she eventually passed out.

~

The next day (YN)’s phone was vibrating on her bedside table, but the sound felt like a jackhammer vibrating through her skull. Groaning, she opened her eyes to find the offending device.

Hey girl! Call me when u get up so i know ur alive the text from Eli read.

(YN) looked at her clock, it was almost 1 in the afternoon. She dragged herself out of bed, discarding the clothes she had worn the night before, and into the shower, the cold water jolting her awake. Climbing back into bed, she picked up her phone to call her friend.

“You survived,” Eli cheered when she answered the call.

“Oh my god, please shut up,” (YN) winced.

“Oh, you’re really feeling it huh?”

“Yea, I think I got run over at some point last night.”

“No, I didn’t let you run across any roads this time. Maybe Gerard did after he picked you up. How'd that go?”

“I don’t remember,” (YN) groaned. “I remember he bought me food and gatorade,” she said, picking up the bottle of the now room temperature drink.

Eli hummed. “Well he seems like a good guy, he came right to get you no questions asked when I called.”

“Yea,” (YN) agreed, pulling her knees up to her chest. “I just feel so dumb for getting so wasted.”

“It happens. And at least he’s seen you at your worst now. Has he said anything?”

“He’s at work I think.”

“Ah, well at least you got some more time to recover before you have to face him.”

“Why do you have to say it that way?” (YN) groaned as Eli laughed.

The friends talked for a while longer until (YN) heard the front door open.

“Shit, he’s back,” (YN) whispered, her embarrassment flooding back.

“Ok talk to you later, and don’t worry about it!” Eli said brightly before hanging up.

(YN) glanced up and saw Gerard hovering awkwardly by her door. “Hey, how you feeling?” 

“Been better,” (YN) replied, tucking a piece of her half wet hair behind her ear awkwardly. “Umm, I don’t really remember a lot from last night, but thanks for coming to get me and everything.”

Gerard nodded. “It’s no problem.”

“I feel really stupid. I won’t be doing that again anytime soon, I promise,” (YN) laughed dryly.

Gerard laughed a little as well. He didn’t know if he should bring up anything that was said between them the night before since she had said she couldn’t remember much, but he couldn’t help but wonder what she did remember.

~

After a few days, (YN)’s embarrassment at her drunken night finally started to diminish and she and Gerard’s interactions went back to normal. A while later, (YN) was hanging out in Gerard’s room talking about a show they had been to the weekend before when her phone rang. 

"Hello? Oh hi," (YN) answered. "What?! Is he ok?" She jumped up and left the room, but Gerard could still hear her end of the conversation, causing him to grow more concerned. "No I didn't see anything, there wasn't anyone… Ok... Yea… Ok let me know."

The color was drained from her face when she walked back into the room.

"What's wrong?" Gerard asked, his brows knitted together.

"Right after my shift ended the store got robbed. My coworker John is in the hospital and they took all the cash. The store is gonna be closed for a couple days I guess."

"Fuck," Gerard replied, totally stunned.

"I think I'm gonna go to bed," she said blankly before turning back toward her room and Gerard heard the door close behind her.

A while later Gerard got up to go to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee, but when he stepped into the hall, he stopped in his tracks. It sounded like crying coming from (YN)’s room.

"(YN), are you ok?" He asked as he knocked on her door, but she didn't answer. Cautiously he opened the door and found (YN) was sitting on her bed, knees pulled up to her chest, sobbing. 

"Shit," Gerard whispered as he rushed over and pulled her against him, letting her cry on his shoulder.

"It coulda been me. I could be in the hospital or dead right now and no one would even notice or care! Just another loser with no direction in life dead. I've wasted everything, I've ruined my whole life!"

"You haven't," Gerard said, rubbing her back. "I'd care very much if anything happened to you. And you have plenty of time. I had a job at a tv network and gave it up to form the band, and now I'm trying to get into comics."

"But I'm not talented like you! I have no skills, I never went to college because I didn't know what I wanted to do and I still don't. I just don't want to be stuck here the rest of my life waiting to get held up at gunpoint," she sobbed. "I'm just too stupid to get out of my own way long enough to figure anything out."

“No you aren't stupid, sometimes it just takes more time to get it figured out."

Eventually (YN)’s sobs started to quiet and she pulled back. “Thanks Gee. You really didn’t need to do this.”

“Yea I did. I couldn’t just let you be alone when you feel like this.”

(YN) sighed. “Every time I close my eyes I just picture it happening to me. I’m so tired, but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to sleep tonight.”

“Hang on,” Gerard said, getting up. (YN) saw the light from his room shut off, and he came back. “Ok, come here, I’ll keep you safe,” he said as he settled in next to her.

(YN) felt like her heart was going to burst through her chest as she slid down next to him. She laid her head on his chest as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.

~

Something shifted in Gerard and (YN)’s relationship that night, although nothing was spoken of it. They started trading off whose bed they slept in, crawling into bed together just to be close to the other. When they watched a movie together, she rested her head against his shoulder. When (YN) was in the kitchen making coffee, Gerard would come in and wrap his arms around her and hold her close while she worked. The day after (YN) had a really bad shift at work, she came home and found a pink rose that looked like it had been trimmed from someone’s garden sitting on her bed.

It was a warm early fall evening when Gerard and (YN) showed up at a party held by a friend of a friend. (YN) had gone off to talk to Eli, and Gerard found himself watching her from across the yard. He wished he was by her side, his arm wrapped around her waist, holding her close, that’s where he felt happiest.

"Why are you looking at your roommate like that?" Frank asked, appearing at Gerard's side.

“Jesus,” Gerard muttered under his breath, startled. “What are you talking about?”

“Like you wanna get out here and get on top-”

“Stop, no, it’s not like that,” Gerard shook his head.

“Oh, so you don’t care if I go ask her out then?”

“What? You can’t!” Gerard blurted out. “I mean, what about Jamia?”

Frank grinned and pointed a finger in Gerard's face. “Exactly! So what are you gonna do about it?”

“Everything is fine, we’re fine,” Gerard grumbled.

As the sun began to set more people showed up, filling up the backyard. Without warning there was a shout as two guys started pushing each other, and then punches began to fly. 

(YN) found herself too near the fight and tried to get away from the fray, but more people were rushing to watch or take part in it and she couldn’t get past. Suddenly she felt someone grab her hand, interlacing their fingers with hers. She was about to pull away when she looked up and realized it was Gerard.

“Come on,” he said, pulling her out of the crowd.

“Thanks for not leaving me behind,” (YN) said once they were a safe distance from the fracus. 

“I couldn’t ever leave you behind,” Gerard smiled back at her. 

At that moment she became conscious of how their hands were still intertwined and how closely they were standing. (YN) didn’t want to move and lose the moment, but police sirens started cutting through the shouts of the brawl. “Oh shit," (YN) started laughing. “Let’s get out of here!”

“Here we go again,” Gerard smirked as they took off running, hand in hand, through the backyards until they couldn’t hear any of the commotion any longer. When they finally came out on a side street, they were both out of breath, but laughing. The smell of rain hung in the air.

“I have no idea where we are now,” (YN) laughed.

“Me neither, but,” Gerard trailed off with a shrug as they started walking aimlessly down the street.

(YN) glanced down, not totally understanding why Gerard was still holding her hand, but she still wasn’t planning on letting go. Then she noticed Gerard glancing down as well.

“(YN),” he started.

“Sorry,” she said, starting to pull her hand away, but Gerard held tighter.

“No, it’s not that,” he said, stopping under the street light. A soft rain began to fall around them. "It's that I don't wanna change things between us, but I really want to," he hesitated then took a step closer to (YN). He raised his free hand and gently caressed her cheek before leaning in and pressing his lips against hers.

(YN)'s mind was spinning. She couldn't believe that this was really happening, that Gerard, her roommate, her friend, was now kissing her in the middle of a desolate street. She kissed him back, not knowing if this would happen again, and she wanted to make the most of this chance.

Gerard's hand moved from her cheek to run through her hair, now soaked from the steady rain. He dropped her hand that he was still holding, but only so he could wrap his arm around her and pull her closer against him as he deepened the kiss and she draped her arms over his shoulders.

When they finally pulled apart, the rain had them both soaked and they were laughing together again. “We should try to find our way home,” Gerard said glancing around.

“Let’s go this way,” (YN) suggested with a nod down the street.

Gerard nodded with a smile and wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they headed back to find the car.

~

The next morning (YN) woke up in her bed with Gerard holding her tight. She had hoped to spend all morning being lazy with him, but what had woken her up was her phone ringing on her bedside table.

“Hello?” She whispered.

“Hey (YN), I know you don’t work until this afternoon, but we got a call out, can you come in this morning and work a double?” (YN)’s manager asked.

(YN) let her face fall against her pillow and groaned softly. “Yea I guess so.”

“Great, see you as soon as you can get here.”

When (YN) glanced over at Gerard, he was just waking up. “What’s wrong?”

“I wanted to spend the morning with you here, but I got called in for a double shift,” (YN) pouted.

“Damn,” Gerard frowned. “But I’ll be here when you get back.”

“I know,” she sighed before leaning in and kissing him softly. She climbed out of bed and got ready for work. The day seemed to drag by because all she wanted was to go home to Gerard.

“I’m so glad that day is done!” (YN) announced when she burst through the door. She waited for Gerard to reply but didn’t hear anything. “Gee? Are you here?”

“Yea,” he replied forlornly, coming out of his room.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“I’m gonna go out to visit Mikey,” Gerard said.

“Oh cool!” (YN) smiled up at him and he felt like his heart was breaking.

“And when I’m out on the west coast, I’ve got a meeting with Dark Horse Comics about my project.”

“That’s awesome!” (YN) grinned. But when she didn’t see the same level of excitement in Gerard’s face, her own excitement faltered. “Isn’t it?”

“Yea, I guess. I’m just nervous about it. There are a few things they wanna discuss about developing it and stuff. But I might have to move out to the west coast if this all works out.”

“Oh,” (YN) said, surprised. She tried to keep her disappointment hidden. “That’s an incredible opportunity though.”

“I know, but we’ve only just-”

“Gerard, don't you think for even one second about not going because of me,” (YN) interrupted him. “I have wasted my entire life being so afraid that I’ll make the wrong choice, that I let every decent opportunity pass me by. I care about you too much to let you do the same.”

Gerard didn’t know how to respond, other than to take a step forward and wrap (YN) into a tight hug. "Thanks," he mumbled against her neck. 

They stood like that for a while, neither willing to let go. “Come on, let’s order something for dinner to celebrate,” she suggested once they pulled back.

~

The following week, Mikey picked Gerard up from the airport. They put together a list of places Mikey loved to check out the next day.

After stopping at the coffee shop down the street, the comic book store that always had what Mikey was looking for, and the record shop with the friendly owner they went to the beach to kill time before dinner. 

"You ok? Are you nervous about the meetings or something?" Mikey asked. He had noticed Gerard seemed distracted all day, but Gerard just shook his head. "Then what's wrong?" Mikey asked.

"I couldn't sleep last night," Gerard said with a glance at his brother.

"Is the bed uncomfortable?"

“No, it's not that," he paused. "It's that I can’t sleep without her,” Gerard said, looking down at his hands.

"(YN)?"

"Yea."

“How long have you been together?” Mikey asked.

“We haven’t officially, but it’s, I mean...” Gerard stammered, searching for the words to define something that had only just begun and had no definition.

“But you love her?” Mikey filled in the gaps, knowing Gerard better than Gerard knew himself.

Gerard listened to the waves crashing on the shore. He didn't even realize when he had fallen in love with (YN), because it wasn't like a lightning bolt from the sky. It grew out of lazy days talking for hours, nights sleeping in the other's bed just because they wanted to be that close to each other, the way her hair fell in her face, her laugh, her lips, her selflessness, the way she was always pushing him to do more and be better. And now there he was, missing her like crazy, ready to throw away his dream if she asked him to. But she hadn't, and she wouldn’t. She encouraged him to go across the country and chase it down, even if it meant leaving her behind.

“Yea,” he said with a soft smile and Mikey nodded.

Silence hung between the brothers for a while as the sun began to set. “It’s almost time to meet up with Kristin for dinner,” Mikey announced as he got up.

Gerard nodded and followed him back to the car. As they drove away from the beach, Gerard thought about how much he wanted to bring (YN) here. He knew she’d love it. It felt like there were so many possibilities, fresh starts for everyone. He just needed to get them out of New Jersey.

~

(YN) paced outside the arrivals gate, checking the screen with the times over and over. Gerard’s flight was on time, he should be arriving shortly. She had spent most of the day excited that he was coming back today, but now that she was at the airport waiting for him, she felt incredibly nervous.

Gerard hadn’t called since he let her know he had arrived safely. She had insisted that he spend his time with Mikey and getting ready for the meetings and not to worry about her, but that didn’t stop her from thinking about him all the time. The first night she tried to sleep in her own bed, but ended up crawling into his because his pillows smelled like him and it made her heart ache a little less. And it’s where she had spent the rest of the week.

That morning as she sat in his bed, knees pulled up to her chest as she sipped her coffee in the cool morning air, she looked around his space. They’d been living together almost a year now, and the room had become so uniquely his. The comics that were stacked up next to his bed, the drawings that littered his desk, the records in the crate he painted himself. All things that went into what added up to Gerard. She smiled softly as a realization dawned on her as she shivered.

“I love him,” (YN) admitted to herself softly. “I really, truly, love him.”

Now at the airport she glanced up at the screen and saw his flight had arrived. Her heart started hammering in her chest as she started to look around, not knowing how soon he’d appear. What felt like an eternity later, she finally spotted a mop of black hair.

“Gee!” She called as she rushed over to him. Gerard dropped his bag so he could wrap his arms around her in a big hug. He pulled her in for a kiss in the middle of the crowd of travelers.

“I missed you,” he murmured when they pulled back.

“Me too,” she smiled.

"Let's get out of here," he smiled as he took her hand and they went to find her car.

"So how was the trip? How was Mikey? And the meetings, tell me everything!" (YN) gushed as they finally arrived at her car.

"Mikey's doing really good. He has this girlfriend, Kristin, she's super sweet, you'll really like her," he said as he threw his bag in the trunk.

"Oh yea, maybe I’ll meet her one day," (YN) smiled.

“(YN), I wanted to wait until we were someplace nicer than the airport parking ramp, but I can't wait any longer. I got the job at Dark Horse so I’m gonna have to move out west,” he paused, reaching out and taking her hands. “But I can’t leave without you because I love you so much (YN). It’d be a new start for both of us, together. Please?”

It took (YN) a moment to fully process what Gerard said. "Yes!" She finally replied in awe.

Gerard grabbed her face between his hands and pulled her lips to his as tears spilled from behind her closed eyes. He held her close as he kissed her with everything he had. When they pulled back, he rested his forehead against hers. 

“I love you too Gerard,” she murmured. “And thank you for not leaving me behind.”

“I couldn’t ever leave you behind.”

[always-and-forever-a-killjoy]

Hello fuckers! This is the ridiculously long fic I've been vagueposting about for like weeks. 23k words sitting in a doc! I'll be trying to post maybe once every two weeks, but once school starts again it will be a lot harder to get out 3k words in a week. I have seven chapters written, so I'll consistently update for probably 2-3 months and then no promises after that. This is going to be a fucking epic.

Note that not all warnings  apply to all the chapters, so I'll be warning for triggering/upsetting content in each chapter individually. Please heed those!

You all also get to play a game of 'guess which song the chapter title is pulled from', which is made more difficult by my music taste ranging from musicals (les mis! DEH!) to my chemical romance. I'll let you know what the chapter title was from when I post the next chapter. Also, the POV switches each chapter, so that info is also in the notes.

Title: Coming, Coming Home

Chapter Title: Do you want to live out loud?

Chapter Wordcount: 3099

Summary:

The story of 109 WKIL, from the mother that began it to the daughter who saw the end of it.

Warnings: None for this chapter!

Taglist: @wishiwasthemoon-tonight @sleevesareforlosers @stressed-depressed-emo-mess @tasteofamnesia @dagger-queen @no-braincells-here @piratecherricola (message me, send an ask, or reblog/reply to one of my posts if you want to be added or removed)

AO3 Link

(Actual fic under the cut)

It began with a handheld radio.

The killjoy who was already beginning to be known as Dr. Death Defying had stolen quiet a few of these portable transmitting devices when he left the army of the corporation called Better Living Industries. Now, he began to give them out, one after another, to the small clusters of rebels who were just beginning to call themselves killjoys. With those, the groups kept each other updated for a while, passing whispers back and forth over the airwaves. The positions of squads of dracs, who had extra supplies, where there were good buildings to scavenge from or shelter in.

Those were highly effective in the small rebellion, news passing quickly between the few rebels, but as more killjoys began to enter to desert, take up the colors and masks and ray guns and form themselves into a true rebellion, it was getting to be not enough. 

“We need something with a wider reach.”

Dr. Death Defying was sitting at the so-called strategy table (which in actuality was a shitty kitchen table strategically repurposed), listening to White Lily talk about rebellion. It was another ordinary afternoon, or as ordinary as one could get in a post-apocalyptic nuclear desert plotting to overthrow an evil mega corporation. The sun was shining brightly overhead, and he and his best friend, the fiery spirited White Lily, were in a partially wrecked house out in Zone Four, where they had been staying for most of the time since the Helium Wars. Both former soldiers, they had served together for a little bit after D had first been recruited. He had been transferred to a different squadron soon after, and they hadn’t deserted together, but they’d met up after the wars and become close friends. Two dreamers who wanted to save the world, she had said. And so now they were trying to do just that, one killjoy recruit at a time.

“If this is going to be a true revolution, Walkie-talkies aren’t going to cut it,” White Lily went on. “We need a way to reach more people. Get the word out quicker.”

“Did you have any particular ideas?” Dr. Death Defying asked dryly.

Her eyes gleamed in the way that meant she did, in fact, have an idea. “A radio station.”

“A what?”

“A radio station. I know I sound crazy, but hear me out. If we can get our hands on the equipment, a lot of killjoys already have radios and that way we can also reach the ones with only a car radio. We broadcast news- who’s dead, where bli is attacking, just generally what’s going on. We can also make speeches over the radio, like what’s his face, the president guy, did with his fireside chats."

“FDR. And you can make speeches over the radio.” It wasn’t that he couldn’t, per se, but he would rather leave the main speaking part of it to her.

White Lily briefly made a sad face, but was back to determination within seconds. “Right, well I can make big speeches if you do daily announcements and news, deal?”

“Deal.” They realized a second later what they had just accidentally agreed to and sighed. 

The other just grinned. “Time to get some radio equipment!”

And so it began with a hand held radio and a duo of Helium Wars survivors, and 109 WKIL was born.

109 WKIL didn’t actually broadcast until two full months and a new crew member later. It turned out to be not exactly easy to get their hands on the equipment necessary to send out signals, and neither of them knew precisely what running a radio station required anyways. They researched as best they could, asking around and reading any old books they could find, but supplies were scarce and electronic equipment especially so. And so they didn’t get the radio station fully running until after the arrival of their third crew member.

It was another of the somewhat lazy afternoons in the desert when Cherri Cola showed up at their house in a stolen BLI News Van. White Lily was gone, off talking to a small band of neutrals and trying to persuade them to aid the rebellion, so it was Dr. Death Defying who was there to see a no-longer white van screech to a stop. He kept his ray gun close as he stepped outside, since the van was Better Living Industries, but the side of it had a sprinkling of graffiti and it was covered in dust, which reassured him somewhat.

“Hello?”

The van’s engine clicked off and Dr. Death Defying breathed a sigh of relief as a lean teenager hopped out, squinting in the sunlight. They were clearly a killjoy, given the pink mask, and they also wore scuffed jeans and a too-small black jacket despite the warmth of a desert afternoon. Their hair was brown and a sandy mess, and they were perhaps an inch or two shorter than Dr. Death Defying. They were completely and utterly un-intimidating with the sole exception of their eyes, which blazed with fierce and bitter kind of anger. 

“Another killjoy?” Their voice squeaked a little, undoing any effect of those fiery eyes, and they cleared their throat. “Uh, another killjoy?”

At loss for words, he nodded. “I’m Dr. Death Defying, he/him and they/them.”

“Cherri Cola.” They fiddled with their shirt hem. “He/him.”

“So…I’m assuming you’re looking for White Lily?”

“Was actually just looking for a place to stay the night,” Cherri Cola mumbled. “I didn’t realize you were already staying here, I can leave-“

“Absolutely not, get inside.” They hoped their voice didn’t sound too firm. “White Lily and I are happy to let people stay with us who need.”

“Oh.” D pretended not to notice the relief on his face as he ran a hand through his hair. “Thanks.”

“Of course. Do you want to come into the shade? It’s baking out here.” He didn’t mention how hot the other killjoy must be in that jacket.

“Yes, please.” 

So he led the strange teenager inside, half-wondering what made the teen’s eyes so old and filled with hurt and rage. It wasn’t an uncommon sight in the zones, per se, but this kid’s eyes were striking in their pain.

“So, how old are you?”

“Sixteen, you?”

“Twenty. Do you want some power pup? We’ve got a bit of extra, I think.”

Cherri nodded eagerly, and he devoured everything D put in front of him. “It’s been a while since I’ve been able to pull off a raid or anything, and hacking vending machines isn’t as easy as it looks.”

That would explain why he was so lean. “You’ve got the look of someone who’s been out in the desert a while.”

“Almost since the end of the wars.” There was no need for him to specify which wars. The Helium Wars loomed over everyone and everything, desert and city. 

“Ah. I’ve been here since the very end of the wars, so not too much longer than you. My friend White Lily and I were both deserters, we met up and decided to stick it to the man, as it were.” 

“So you live together?” Cherri Cola’s face had softened into curiosity.

“Yep. We’ve been sheltering in this house for quite a while now, but we’ve lived together for longer than that.” 

Cherri nodded. “I’m on my own. Runaway from Battery City, never found a crew. It must be nice to live with your friend, though.”

At that moment, said friend came tromping through the door. “Hello, D!”

“Hey, Lily!”    

Cherri waved with a quiet “Hello.”

“Hello, random stranger in my kitchen!”

Dr. Death Defying sighed. “White Lily, this is Cherri Cola, he/him. Cherri Cola, this is White Lily, she/her.”

“Nice to meet you,” Cherri said politely. 

“Nice to meet you too, kid! So I’m assuming this softy offered you a place to sleep for the night?”

“I did, he needed a place to stay.”

“Softy.” White Lily turned her grin on Cherri Cola. “You’re welcome to stay for a bit, we’ve got a nice place and an extra room, so I don’t see why you wouldn’t.”

“I can pull my weight,” he offered quietly. “I know how to sew and some first aid and a little bit of fighting, but I’m not great yet.”

“What makes you think you have to pull your weight for us to give you a room for a night?” Lily’s face was genuinely concerned. “Can’t believe I’m going to say this, but chill, kid.”

There was something in Cherri’s eyes that reminded D a little of a wounded animal as he glanced up at Lily. “You’re sure I don’t have to be helpful? I can do a lot of things- okay, not a lot, but I’m pretty good at fixing things and I know how to fire a ray gun, even if I can’t really do hand-to-hand combat.”

"Well, if some dracs attack, then you can put that to good use,” D told him.

“Wait, did you say you can fix things? Tech skills?” Lily leaned forward, and D didn’t have to see her face to know what she was thinking. 

“My…I knew someone who’s an engineer,” Cherri explained.  “I know how to fix a lot of things.”

“You don’t happen to know anything about radio equipment, do you?”

“Lily,” D sighed.

“Some, why?”

“We could use some help getting a radio station off the ground. And shush, D, if he’s going to stay anyways, we might as well figure out if he can help.”

“A radio station…do you have a transmitter? Or anything of the sort? And you need modulators.”

“We’ve got the modulators,” D told him. “We need a transmitter, the little one I found isn’t near powerful enough.”

Cherri Cola frowned, tilting his head. “Well, I’ve got a news van with what I’m assuming is a very powerful transmitter, haven’t tried to use it yet, though. We’d have to figure out how to make it work with audio instead of video, but I bet you could use the antenna from that. An FM station shouldn’t take too much technology, depends on how wide you want the range to be. Power is probably more of an issue?”

“We’ve got some large batteries, do you think we need a more permanent power source?”

They talked until the sun was starting to set, Cherri having quite a bit of useful advice and knowledge to supplement what little research D managed.

And after Cherri was safely asleep in the spare room, Dr. Death Defying and White Lily convened back at the shitty kitchen ‘strategy’ table. 

“You’re not seriously thinking of letting him stay forever,” Lily said as soon as she had taken her seat.

“Why not?” Usually, it would be Lily who asked this question, but “He needs a home.”

“This better not be fucking Socks all over again.” Socks, being, of course, the cat D had tried to take in during the Helium Wars. Not only had he been a lot of trouble, he had eventually run off onto the battlefield, and neither of them had been able to stop him. They could only assume he had been killed in the final days of the wars.

D still regretted that, but this was different. “He’s not a cat, Lil. But he does need a safe place to stay. Besides, you were the one who was grilling him about radio station technology.”

“At first. Then you took over with all your technical words and phrases.”

“All we were doing was talking transmitters.”

“Nerd boy.” 

D sighed. “Anyways. He can clearly be helpful, given how much he knows about radio technology and other things, and he’s obviously in need of a place to stay.”

“Well, we’ve got one of those at least,” Lily sighed. “He better end up a good radio station assistant for you.”

D knew that meant Cherri was staying. “We’ll offer to let him join in the morning.”

“We will.” Lily’s face was serious. “Be prepared for him to say no, D. We’re not famous yet, but being friends with rebellion leaders probably isn’t an easy lot.”

“Of course not.” The flashlight they had hung for light flickered. “We’ll warn him about a friendship with us means, but we can’t just kick him out.”

“Technically, we can, but we’re not going to.”

“Absolutely fucking not.”

The next morning dawned slightly overcast, which was rare in the desert. It provided somewhat of a gloomy atmosphere as Cherri Cola wandered into their living room area with a tired “Morning.”       

“Morning,” Lily yawned back. D was the only one properly awake at the crack of dawn, always an early riser. 

He found it somewhat amusing how non-functional Lily was until she had had some coffee or gotten some adrenaline from a fight. “Good morning.”

Cherri settled down in one of the chairs cautiously as Lily opened her mouth again. “So, D and I were talking. Big softy that he is, he wants to let you stay with us if you want, and I figured you might be pretty handy when it comes to radio stations.”

“Don’t let her twist it, she’s equally on board.” D resisted a sigh. “We do have to warn you, we’re leading a rebellion. Lily is, at least. I’m something like a right hand, I suppose. So it will be dangerous and difficult to be friends with us, and the radio station will not be an easy endeavor either.”

“Can’t be worse than…” Cherri trailed off. “Can’t be worse than wandering the desert on your own in a stolen news van. Do you really want me to stay?”

“Hey, we always want another pair of hands.” White Lily’s joking tone didn’t get a grin out of him.  “You seem like a neat kid, why not let you stay?”

“Guess so.” Cherri yawned again. “So, do you happen to have a screwdriver? I think I’ve got some ideas about the modulators.”

So Cherri Cola came to live with them. His primary occupation was trying to get the radio station able to broadcast, alongside Dr. Death Defying, combining each of their respective technology skill with a lot of guesswork and the knowledge gleaned from whatever books they could find. He rarely went on runs with White Lily at first, but as they found out a week or so in, he turned out to be more than a decent shot with a ray gun.

“Holy fuck, Cola.” White Lily was staring at the empty can he had just knocked over- from a distance of a hundred and twenty feet, further than D or Lily had managed yet. 

“Is that a good or a bad ‘holy fuck’?”

“Good. Holy shit. D and I haven’t hit that yet, not with a shitty little ray gun like yours anyways.”

“What’s wrong with this ray gun?”

“No offense, but that’s a piece of shit.” D watched as she took the ray gun and weighted it in her hands before handing her own to Cherri. “Feel what this one’s like- it’s a little heavier, but it’s a lot nicer. Yours doesn’t even have a stun setting.”

It took him one or two practice shots, but within a few minutes he was shooting even more effectively.

“A hundred and FIFTY feet! D, did you see that?”

“I did,” D told her, glancing over at the youngest of their little trio. “Cherri, we need to get you a better ray gun.” 

The better ray gun would have to wait, though, as the next day, they finally found the last few pieces of equipment and things that they would need for the radio station. They had decided that 109 WKIL would broadcast from the news van Cherri had arrived in, since the antenna was already attached and that way it could be portable if Better Living Industries managed to track their signal. So a few days of fixing later, they had cobbled together a working radio apparatus that could broadcast at a range of thirty miles or so. It had taken a lot of swearing, banging around, and failed test runs, but eventually they had it figured out.

The very first broadcast fell to D, as it was decided he would be the main DJ, and he settled at the panel a little nervously. Cherri was crouched beside him, fiddling with the last few cords. 

“Think we’re good to go,” he whispered.

"Right. Here goes nothing.” D took a deep breath. “One-oh-nine in the sky and the pigs won’t quit, welcome to the very first broadcast by one oh nine WKIL, the rebellious radio station of the desert. I’m Dr. Death Defying, and I’ll be your usual DJ, keeping you updated on all the news from claps to raids to Mad Gear concerts.”

The script had been decided on beforehand so that he didn’t stumble too much, but he still had to pause to take another quick breath and steady himself. “We’ll be doing our broadcast at this time every morning, pretty soon after alarm clock radiation, and we’ll be fanning the spark of this desert into a flame. So tune in, listeners, for all the latest updates, weather, traffic reports, and the best music we’ve got. One oh nine in the sky, this is Dr. Death Defying signing off.”

Cherri gave them a broad grin and a thumbs-up as D fumbled to click the right buttons to get the music going. D grinned right back, and White Lily came charging into the van a few minutes later, brandishing the radio they had been using to test their broadcasting capabilities. 

“It worked! You came though loud and clear, even a good ten miles away, and you’re already getting good at this. I told you, you could do it!” She gave him a high five, grinning, and turned to Cherri. “And good job, soda kid! You’re already a radio station technician.”

Cherri laughed and high-fived her. “Wasn’t expecting to become one at sixteen, but not the worst place I could have ended up.”

They had tried to spread the word as best as possible about the radio station beforehand, so D knew there had been a fair amount of killjoys already listening to the first broadcast. And word travelled quickly in the desert, so he didn’t doubt their listener base would grow over the years. But for now, the rebellion was small, and the twenty-one-year-old leader and her two best friends were heading inside for a celebratory breakfast of power pup.

[rotationalsymmetry]

Commenting on without reblogging. (Thing is about: communicating about what you’re upset about with your partner or whomever and not making them guess.) (I don’t remember if the original post was partner specific or like...roommates. I’m thinking about partners, but this can apply to roommate conflicts as well, and anyone else you spend enough time with that you’re around each other when you’re not at your best. I’m mostly assuming one on one situations — this can be generalized to larger groups, but with 3 or more people there’s additional dynamics in play and I’m not sure how to comment on that here:)

Yes, and also I think this tends to be harder than a lot of people realize. As in: if just being told you should do that is enough, great. If not...

For those of us who would basically rather die than talk to our parents about our feelings as teens and didn’t have anyone else we could talk to about our feelings to either, it can be really hard to transition into adult relationships of equals and trust that the other person actually cares about our feelings.

For people who have especially extreme or unusual emotional reactions due to mental illness, ADHD, etc, identifying our feelings let alone talking about them can be extra hard.

For many people, figuring out how to say “I’m upset as a result of you doing x” without implying “I think it’s bad that you did x” can be challenging. Especially since a lot of people are primed to automatically hear the first as the second.

This can be even harder if you’re not sure whether you do think that it’s bad that the other person did x or not.

I don’t know what to say about people coming from abusive families, but I’m sure that adds extra layers of difficulty one way or another. Also previous abusive romantic relationships.

Basically we usually learn how to do this stuff by it being modeled to us, and a lot of us didn’t get that modeling. (Or for various reasons, got it modeled but didn’t pick it up. Or our problems and our role models’ problems are different enough that it’s not all that useful.)

Some people find it difficult to form words or say certain kinds of things under stress. This can look like deliberately choosing to stay silent when it’s actually not a choice.

The fight-or-flight stress response makes it harder to use the parts of your brain that control impulses and make rational, thought out decisions. So, knowing what to do when you’re calm and being able to do it when you’re aroused are very different things. Even more so if you’re getting into shut down/dissociation territory. (This is why “take some time apart to calm down” is such common relationship advice.)

Sometimes not only is it hard for B to read A’s feelings, but B might get it wrong. Some people look calm when they’re angry, sound angry when they’re scared, cry when they’re not sad, etc.

Oh, and also some people don’t have close relationships (or healthy close relationships) until relatively late in life, and are making their newbie relationship mistakes much later than most people.

So, what can you do?

Talk about conflicts when you’re not actively in conflict.

Make a plan for how you’re going to deal with intense feelings and/or sustained bad moods ahead of time; know your coping strategies. Let your partner know ahead of time what sorts of things tend to make you feel better or worse.

Look up communication advice (“I feel” statements etc) and either generate some rules of the road together as a couple (/household/polycule/whatever) or make some personal guidelines for yourself. (If you don’t always follow them it happens — this isn’t about whoever messes up first loses the argument, it’s about if you mess up you try to do better next time.)

If you want to keep the relationship, make sure you have a lot more positive interactions than negative ones. Even if there’s big disagreements that need to be talked through, it’s OK to take breaks and have time where you focus on enjoying each other’s company. If you’re in a frame of mind where you can do that.

Likewise, remember to say positive things about your partner etc even when you’re in conflict. “I care about you”, “I want to work through this together”, “thanks for hearing me out”, etc. You do not lose the fight by saying nice things. (Or if you do...maybe your problem isn’t a communication one.)

If either person wants to take a break from a difficult conversation, you take a break.

Think about who else you can talk to about this, or how else you can process the situation. It’s not necessarily a good idea to talk about all your relationship fights with a close family member (or another partner if you’re polyamorous) but often it’s a good idea to talk to someone. So...therapist? Bartender? Hotline volunteer? Random social media “let’s be nice to each other” group? Your dog? Maybe you’d just as soon write in your journal or go for a long walk? Sometimes if you process your feelings first, you end up having a much more constructive talk later on.

Be in process. Learning how to have healthy relationships involves a lot of highly complex and subtle skills. It’s work. It takes time. As with learning to play a musical instrument, you have to do it badly before you can do it well.

What if communication doesn’t help?

Maybe the way you tried it didn’t work or the timing was bad. Give it some time and try again later. (If it’s a big dealbreaker thing or potentially a big dealbreaker thing, get some distance if possible — communication isn’t a substitute for boundaries, and neither is patience or love or forgiveness.)

If there’s a consistent pattern of talking it out not working, or the other person seems to be acting deliberately cruel, this is probably not a good relationship (/living situation) for you. Good communication can’t make another person respect you, it only smooths things over between people who basically like and respect each other.

Couple’s counseling/family counseling is an option in some cases. I recommend only doing this if you basically trust that the other person cares about and respects you and it’s more about getting back to a previously happy relationship than trying to fix a relationship that was broken from the start. In a hostile roommate situation if you can’t move out yet, or if you’re in something that you know is a bad relationship but can’t break up yet, what you want is more boundaries, not better communication. Individual therapy might help with that, but family or couple’s therapy is generally more focused on gaining more closeness and mutual understanding, and less about setting boundaries and getting distance.

Some resources (books unless stated otherwise, authors left out because I’m feeling too lazy to look them all up but I can clarify on request):

Non-violent Communication (the book, but there’s also workshops etc): not everyone’s cup of tea, other people swear by it. It’s set up skills first/explanations second, so I recommend reading the second half first but you do you. If it’s not your thing, that’s OK.

Difficult Conversations

Feeling Good Together: this is a weird ass book, and does not differentiate between healthy relationships and abusive ones, but I’m still recommending it because the “five secrets of effective communication” is actually the communication advice that works best for me in the moment. (The “five secrets” can also be found if you poke around the Feeling Good podcast, which is free.)

Oh, yeah the Feeling Good book and the Feeling Good podcast in general, for people with depression, anxiety, etc. (note: the author/host ...has some very strong opinions, be willing to filter. There’s a ton of practical advice though, so I’m still recommending it.)

The Dance of Anger: short on practical tips, but pretty neat on theory.

Anything about CBT or DBT, or really anything else on emotional management written by therapy people.

I’m especially fond of Taming Your Gremlin on the “learn better coping strategies” front: it’s short, it’s got humor, it’s friendly to people with short attention spans, it does kinda do the “co-opting mindfulness concepts for personal gain” thing but that’s pretty hard to avoid these days, sigh.

Bouncing Back (about resilience and healing from trauma, science based but written for people who aren’t science people)

Burnout (about stress, ditto on the science thing, aimed at women, 10/10 recommend)

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook (why so much about stress? Because dealing with “stress” is also dealing with fear and anger and hurt and resentment and frustration, that’s why. And because we all know that “stress is bad” and we’re supposed to do something about it, but most people think that means just avoiding stressful situations and WRONG.) (If you just read one, pick Burnout. But, the Workbook has a chapter on anger management so I’m including it for that if nothing else.)

How To ADHD YouTube videos, for people with ADHD and those who love them.