#all the lights going dark and my hope's destroyed

[lady-griffin]

Possible Idea for the Firelights in S2

Which I’ve fallen way too much in love with, btw

After the Firelight Base is attacked, where do they go?

Do they just go back to their broken, destroyed home? Try to fix it up? Can they even go back?

Do they disperse?

Or do they go to a location most people (especially those from topside) would have difficulty navigating if they didn’t know exactly where to go?

Like an abandoned mine of sorts? One with really large, giant machines suspended in the air that could be used as little community hubs, perfectly accessible for those with hoverboards?

It’s just something to consider.

Seriously, I can’t express how much I love the idea of Jinx’s lair becoming the new base for the Firelights. I love it way too much; I’m going to be crushed when it doesn't happen (which to be fair is totally on me).

The old mines would be perfect for the Firelights, especially in helping them recover and giving them a sense of extra protection and security after what they’ve gone through.

Maybe it’s not permanent, but it doesn't have to be, it allows them to stay together, so it’s home for the moment

Destroying their base, likely making them scared to return, is an ingenious way to physically separate a group of people who are loyal to one another and fight well together, but this way they wouldn’t have to disperse.

It seems like the mines are well-hidden and isolated, with a lot of natural defenses – it’s been abandoned for a long time, there’s probably a complicated tunnel system to the cavern, and it has multiple physical locations (the drill/fans we’ve seen) that others (their enemies) can’t easily get to.

There are probably a few like Jinx’s lab, where they connect to the tunnels that lead outside, but the few we’ve seen in the background, seem pretty inaccessible – unless you’re a group of people who can fly.

There’s also the idea of Piltover and Noxus winning the day and those who’ve been pushed to live underground having to retreat further down to be safe.

But it’s not a defeat, it’s just a retreat. They’re still here.

I also really love the idea of how this place once represented darkness and the abyss, basically daring you to look down, especially when compared to Ekko's original base for the Firelights, representing light and hope, encouraging you to look up.

It’s still the same place it was in S1, but it's changed with all these other people sharing it with Jinx.

Not because she was forced to, but because she chose to open her space to others, one that was solely hers and we only saw her and Silco there.

But now it's filled with others, who've impacted and changed it with their own touches of color and graffiti and when we look, we see there are all these little pockets of light and color in the dark abyss.

There's still darkness, but it's no longer all consuming.

And I don't know, the idea just warms my heart so much, and I really, really want to see it.

Also, I can’t fully tell, but when Ekko is pulling the chain in the trailer, the area is dark and it could be a cave. So, maybe? Again, it’s hard to tell.

Seriously though, I love this idea so goddamn much!

[whumpsday]

K&J: Kane's Whumptober Bites #11

Chronological masterlist / Writing order masterlist

content: death wish / suicidal ideation, vampire whumpee, captivity, bear trap, broken bones, burns

@whumptober Day 11: “All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.” / Animal trap / Captivity / “No one will find you.”

-

The muscle in Kane’s leg spasmed as if crying out, crushed between shattered bone and hard metal. He whined in pain and tried to curl in on on himself, but any movement just made it worse.

With a sharp gasp, he abandoned the effort, lying limp on the floor of his cell, the bear trap snapped snugly around his leg. The silver, melted and slathered haphazardly over the trap’s jaws, pressed into his skin with enormous force as it desperately tried to close together, frustrated with Kane’s leg in the way.

It was always so much worse when it pressed in, and now it did it from both sides. A touch against silver was bad enough, but the way it pinched his skin between the jaws to sear into it, a white-hot flame that would never die, was unbearable. The pressure was greater than when hunters would push or pull him into the cell’s bars, and unlike a human, the trap was uninclined to ever let go.

But the hunters had left him like this, and he had no hope of removing himself from the trap until they returned. Kane whined again, louder this time, and pressed his face into the cool concrete floor, as if it could somehow cancel out the hellish burning.

“Help,” he gasped. A habit he’d been making less and less use of. He’d well lost track of how long it had been by this point, but it was obvious no one was coming to save him– and even more obvious that he was helpless to save himself.

There was only one way out, and that was death. And even that had been cruelly dangled out of his reach.

As long as his captivity felt, Kane knew that in reality, it was laughably short. Surely only a few years. He was young enough for a vampire, only barely past one-hundred. While a human his age would be on death’s door if they hadn’t already met it, and a human equivalent to him in physicality– thirty or so– would only live for sixty-odd more, he had more than a thousand years stretching beyond him, if he couldn’t earn a staking before then.

Even that hope was diminished, knowing the hunters had too much fun making him their plaything to let him meet death so easily. Perhaps in a century, when all his current tormenters would be dead and cycled out for new ones, the next generation of humans would have a change of heart.

It was little comfort to him now, the peace of death a distant dream. A shard of bone shifted in his leg and the trap cinched tighter, wringing a wail from his hoarse throat.

[lithium223]

[yarn-dragon]

Whumptober Day 11! When Chance awoke that evening to the empty bed, he was not worried. Then he smelt blood

[actress4him]

Whumptober 2023 - Day 11 - Royal AU

This is the second piece I've written for the Brumaria Royal AU (neither of which have actually had Bruno in them). The first one can be found here and tells the story of Kamaria becoming the Princess of Ethorcon!

Taglist: @painful-pooch

The Shadow of Death Masterlist

No. 11: “All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.” | “No one will find you.”

Contains: lady whump, referenced past whump of a minor, claustrophobia, nyctophobia, corporal punishment, referenced beating, minor sh (scratching)

.

.

It’s so dark.

Kamaria rubs her hands up and down her satin skirt, trying to give her mind something to focus on besides the darkness. The rustle it makes is extraordinarily loud in the stillness. It’s no longer enough, though, not after this long standing in the tiny space, so she clenches her hands into fists, letting her long fingernails dig into her palms. 

She needs out. 

How long has it been, anyway? Time passes strangely in here. Minutes seem like hours, but the times that she convinces herself it hasn’t been that long, she’s just being dramatic, half a day has passed. 

Her legs and back ache from standing in the same position, so likely it’s been at least an hour. It feels like it’s been many hours. She raises up onto her toes, relishing the stretch in her calves. On the way back down, though, her shoulder bumps up against the side of the wardrobe. The reminder of how small the space is buzzes through her whole body. 

She needs out she needs out she needs out now.

She wants to scream, and kick, and generally raise a ruckus until someone comes and lets her out of here. She’s tried that before, though, back when she was young and first came to live at the castle. Either it does nothing but tire her out, because there’s no one around to hear, or Roderick does hear and she pays dearly for her insolence. 

Right now, a beating or caning seems like it would be welcome, just because it would take place out in the open and the light. But she stays quiet, anyway. Scratching furiously at her arms placates some of the need to act out.

When all this first started, she wasn’t even bothered by darkness or small spaces. Even the first few times Roderick locked her in here, it wasn’t that bad. Frustrating, yes, but it didn’t make her anxious. Of course back then, she was small enough that she could sink to the floor, curl up and even nap. 

She thinks it changed the first time he left her an entire day and night. She thought he’d forgotten her. And that’s the fear now, irrational as it may be - what if he forgets about her? What if something happens to him and no one else knows where she is? What if he decides she needs even more punishment and takes it too far, leaving her here until she starves or dehydrates or maybe simply loses all of her senses?

No one else but the two of them ever come into this room. No one will find her. 

She knows it’s stupid. He’s left her for an entire day and night more than once, but it’s never been longer than that. Still, every time he starts pushing her this direction, her stomach churns and she considers falling to her knees and begging him to punish her another way. She’ll never actually go that far, of course. It would give him too much satisfaction. But the anxiety of facing hours in the darkness crawls up her throat and threatens to choke her every time.

Has it been another hour yet? She’s starting to get a headache. Whether from lack of sleep, food, or water, she has no idea.

If she could only braid a strand of her hair, that would keep her occupied, but it’s all pinned up in a ridiculous Ethorconite hairstyle. Scratching her arms is good. The sting of it keeps her from going crazy. Roderick will fuss about how she’s marred her skin later and she’ll have to wear long sleeves until the marks disappear, but it’s worth it. 

She stops moving suddenly, straining to listen. There was something out there, something made a noise…right? She could swear she heard a footstep or maybe a door shutting. 

The seconds tick by, the only sound her shaky breathing, hitting the wooden door and bouncing back to her ears. Please please please…

No one opens the door. The darkness stretches on. 

[l4ndojpg]

Whumptober 2023, Day 11: "All the lights going dark and my hope's destroyed."

fandom: criminal minds | characters: spencer reid | ship: none | trigger warnings: none | content: spencer slowly loses hope in prison | word count: 365.

In solitary confinement, Spencer feels the final, tiny shred of hope he had left lingering somewhere deep inside finally slip away. He’s stabbed himself and made it look like Shaw’s fault, so he should technically be able to rest easy for a couple of days knowing nobody can hurt him in here. Nobody except himself. 

But God, it’s been so long. And he’s so tired. And he’s sure he won’t last minutes outside of the walls of solitary confinement with all of the people who want him dead. So despite the fact that he’s safe, for now, he feels frozen, and stuck. 

At first, a couple of months ago when he’d been thrown behind bars like some sort of animal, hope had come easily. He recalled all the times his teammates family had gotten to him in time when he was in danger with his eyes squeezed shut and nails digging into his palms. He believed in them. He felt them with him. He thought, “I’m going to be okay.” 

The hope had started to abandon him. Slowly, at first. But everytime something new and equally as horrible happened, Spencer watched the tiny glimmers of hope that speckled his vision start to fade. He saw them start to fade in his family’s faces, too. When Rossi comes to visit he watches Spencer with a guarded expression, but Spencer’s known him too long to not be able to read the fear in his eyes. At first, Penelope had cried when she’d come to see him. Her tears have long dried up now. JJ can’t hold eye contact with him for more than seven seconds. He can see she’s terrified she’ll look at him and no longer see her baby brother, but instead the broken shell of the man he can feel himself becoming. 

In the past, even when Spencer had given up hope - trapped in Hankel’s cabin in rural Georgia, for example, beaten, bloodied and broken - his family had not. They had always come for him. 

But if their hope is fading, Spencer’s is more than fading. It’s diminished. Gone. Blown out. Destroyed. 

He is going to die in here, of that he is sure. 

[astaldis]

Chapters: 11/11   Words: 29,779 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Cahir Mawr Dyffryn aep Ceallach & Fringilla Vigo, Francesca Findabair | Enid an Gleanna & Fringilla Vigo  Additional Tags: Whump, Cahir Mawr Dyffryn aep Ceallach Whump, Major Character Injury, Sickfic, Fever, Fever Dreams, Cahir Mawr Dyffryn aep Ceallach Has a Bad Time, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, Fringilla has motherly feelings, Friendship, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Cahir is a wet paper towel, Suicidal Thoughts, Mental Breakdown, Guilt, Resurfacing Past, Nightmares, Aftereffects of Torture, Headaches & Migraines, Trauma, Panic Attack, Swooning, Dehydration, Whumptober 2023, Whumptember 2023, August Whump Week

Summary: Cahir is badly injured and missing after his fight with the Scoia'tael on Thanedd island. Fortunately he has a good friend in Fringilla.

Inspired by Whump Week in August (Chapter 1), Whumptember (Chapters 7 and 9-11) and Whumptober prompts (Chapters 7-11)

Whumptober prompts for chapter 11: no. 1, no. 3, no. 7, no. 11, no. 21

[honmyoseagull]

Fandom: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Dark Avengers (Comic) (Beware the warnings on the site)

Relationships: Akihiro | Daken/Lester | Benjamin "Dex" Poindexter Whumptober 2023, Prompts 9 to 16, Slow Burn, Feelings-challenged characters, pyschopaths in love, Revenge, Patricide mention, Brothers, Bullsnikt - Freeform Series: Part 2 of OLD DARK DAYS Summary:

Fighting together (or against each other) is easy. Fucking, they learn to manage. Kinda. Since this is Daken and Bullseye we're talking about, they're rubbish at dealing with their feelings, though. And the more they run from them, the more it hurts. Literally. Also, it wasn't what they had planned with their day, this 'Meet the Family' thing.

@whumptober-archive

[spirit-whump]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Thor (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Thor (Marvel)/Original Female Character(s) Characters: Original Female Character(s), Thor (Marvel) Additional Tags: Kidnapping, Nyctophobia, Childhood Trauma, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Thor (Marvel), Original Character-centric, Panic Attacks Series: Part 8 of whumptober2023 Summary:

She’d woken up on the floor of the cockpit and found herself bound, on a vessel she didn’t know how to control, in the middle of space in territory she didn’t recognize, with three strange men who were all much bigger and much stronger than she was. Trying to fight them off was simply not an option.

So she didn’t try. Not at first. Not until one of them finally realized she was awake and dragged her down to storage and she found herself being pushed towards a small metal cage in a pitch black room.

Hestia didn’t realize she had dug her heels into the ground until the man had to get in front of her to pull her into the room. Into the room with no windows, no lights, just pitch black darkness.

 whumptober2023 no. 11: “All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.” | captivity

[ohanahoku-ao3]

Whumptober Day 11

@whumptober Hope you all enjoy this one!

Teen & Up - Gen - Merlin

Hellbound

     It had been quiet in the kingdom as of late. There was no sign of Morgause or Morgana, no recent attacks, and no magical conundrums for Merlin to muddle his way through. It was nice to take a break from the fighting, from the difficulties of hiding his magic when the universe tried its hardest to tug it out into the open. Still, after a month of absolutely nothing happening, Merlin was getting antsy. He felt restless and paranoid, sure that something would happen soon but not knowing what. So when Gaius asked him to deliver some medicines and check in with several patients near the borders of Camelot, Merlin jumped at the chance of something to do with his pent-up energy. He packed up and set on his way, hoping the peace would hold out for another week or two.

     He should have known better than to hope for such a thing. It happened late in his trip when he had only a single patient left to check in on. One night, he went to sleep and woke to someone grabbing him roughly, not even having the time to call on his magic before iron shackles were clasped around his wrists.

     Merlin’s breath was taken away with the click of the locks, and his entire existence turned upside down and inside out before it righted itself again, leaving him dizzy and confused. He tried to shake it off, to call upon his magic and open the shackles, knock out the men who were shoving him to his feet and pushing him along, but nothing happened. His magic wasn’t responding. It was like it wasn’t even there. His eyes widened with panic, and he tried again, staring down at the shackles as he stumbled forward, but it was useless. Panic thrummed through his veins, and he struggled to remain calm enough to look at the men pushing him along. They seemed oblivious to his struggle, though they laughed as he tripped over a stone, one of the men knocking him in the back of his head. “Keep to yer feet, boy.”

     Merlin closed his eyes to refrain from glaring at the man, though his voice was tight with anger when he forced the question out. “Where are you taking me?”

     The man laughed, an ugly sound that grated on Merlin’s ears. “Hell, boy. That’s where ye be bound.”

     Merlin opened his eyes to roll them at the answer, but they caught on the sight ahead of him, and his stomach twisted around itself. It was a slave cart like the one Freya had been kept in, only bigger and filled with people. The door was opened, and Merlin was forced to climb in, being pushed the last step up so that he fell to the bottom of the wagon. He groaned at the hard impact, inhaling and grimacing at the scent of blood and other bodily fluids soaking into the wood floor. Merlin slowly rose to his feet and moved to sit on the benches, looking around at the other captives. Everyone wore a face of despair, and only one responded when Merlin tried to talk to them. A young slip of a girl, her dress torn off one shoulder, looked at him with pity as she spoke. “You don’t understand. Where we’re going, no one will find you. No one ever finds us.”

     Their journey lasted several days before Merlin found himself in a dungeon, staring into the eyes of a man who was nothing more than skin and bone. His fellow prisoner, on the brink of death, spoke as the young physician’s apprentice held him. “My hope was destroyed a long time ago, young man. All the lights have gone dark, and I’m ready to go.”

     Merlin blinked back tears, unable to do anything to help the old man. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry it ends like this.”

     “‘S fine, boy. Perhaps it won’t end this way for you, eh?” The man smiled as he breathed his final words to Merlin, and the young warlock hung his head, crying over the stranger as he vowed to the old man that he’d make it out for him. He would see this place, this group of slave traders destroyed. If not for himself and the others, then for those he had been too late to save.

[cyhyr]

Whumptober No.11 "All the lights going dark and my hope's destroyed"

Alright, so if you know me, you know I'm one of those freak whump writers who do kid whump. 99% of the time it's a happy ending. Still though, I get that it's not everyone's cup of tea. I'm imagining that they're 6-8 ish years old in this. There is a continuation for this one in No. 14 "Just hold on." Tagging for whumptober: @atereal @oneinist

~

Izuku scrambles up the embankment again, sobbing and trying to grab the top of this recess he’d fallen into, but it’s too deep, he’s too small. It feels like the kind of hole bad guys would dig to trap the heroes in his cartoons. He can imagine Kacchan jeering at him, stupid Deku, can’t even climb out of a hole.

He’s been trying for hours, though. Izuku’s muddy and cold, and scared. It’s getting dark out. He starts to cry; his knee hurts from when he’d tumbled into the hole.

No one’s gonna find me, he realizes. Not even Kacchan.

[lilimonarch]

Doctor Hanahaki - The Memories that Never Return [11]

Doctor Hanahaki Prequel: Whumptober spinoff!

Whumptober day 11: "No one will find you," and Lyric Prompt.

~

All the lights going dark and my hope's destroyed

Bokuto shook his head. His entire world, black. His mind, his soul, his heart, dark and deserted. The night after the interview, he truly was thinking. He gave that interview, said those words, and they were posted for all the world to see. He wasn't sure why he said it, why he said those words.

"Come find me."

Akaashi had forgotten about him, ironic. Bokuto promised to be there for Akaashi, but left because he was a coward. Akaashi promised to support Bokuto, be his number one fan. It appeared this current Akaashi won't find him.

A voice in his head, filling the black space with white smoke, Bokuto coughing petals as he shook his head. "He's not going to find you, Bokuto. Can't be all poetic, you made your choice. You caused this." Bokuto shook his head as blows landed all over his body, the invisible force merciless.

"You're lying!" Bokuto shook his head, holding his stomach as he crumpled to the ground, all black. In the corners of his vision, he could see branches poke out from the ground, turning the black into a murky red from where the wood had sprouted. "He's back in my life, we talk again!"

"Isn't that selfish? You couldn't keep yourself away from him till you died? You haven't much longer, Bokuto." The voice echoed throughout the room as cherry blossoms sprouted from the branches in the ground, coated with blood. "He's not going to find you in time. He won't find you."

"He'll find me," Bokuto responded, his words laced with doubt. "He'll find me."

Bokuto woke up, coughing up petals.

[thethistlegirlwrites]

Keeper of the Flame

Today you all get to meet a future member of Sierra's strike team, Saanvi Desai!

Saanvi gasps, short and sharp and cut off mid-breath as her back is slammed into the rough brick wall. 

She probably shouldn’t have been walking home, but the bus got trapped by an accident, and she wasn’t willing to risk the lives of everyone on it. 

She’d seen him stalking her since two blocks from the agency. 

She’d thought she’d been detected, somewhere along the line of the investigation. Maybe via that phone call she placed to his front business, thickening her Indian accent to pose as a call center operator, so a field team could set up a trace on the location. 

He had to know it was someone from an agency when the place was raided.

From there, he could have determined he was in Chimera’s operating area, and then staked the place out to find out which hunters and other employees could have been the one who placed that call. Given that currently, she’s the only one who obviously fits the bill, it probably wasn’t hard for him to put the pieces together.

Vampires can be incredibly cunning and still fundamentally idiots. If he wanted her dead, he should have used a gun like a normal human being.

But given what she’s learned about this vamp from studying his operation, he seems to prefer the dramatic. And he thinks he’s untouchable. Her investigation is proving that wrong, which means he not only wants her gone, he wants to send a message with her death. He’s not going to make it quick. 

At least she can be reasonably sure he isn’t going to turn her. This one doesn’t mess around with fledglings. 

Apparently he does mess around with dramatic villain speeches. She tunes him out, trying to think of what she knows about defending herself in a situation like this.

But her mind is going blank.

The only thing she can think is that when her family hears about this, it will crush them. She’s their only child, the last heir to a hunter legacy that’s been passed down since vampires followed in the wake of the ravages of colonial rule. 

When she was born, after hours of labor that nearly killed both her and her mother, on the first day of Diwali, her family had seen it as a sign, that she would be a bringer of light, a lucky child whose life was guarded by the good in the world. 

A split second of clarity, a single coherent thought like a match flaring in the darkness. She is a child of the light. And no one gets to take that away from her.

She ignores the claws tearing at the arm protecting her throat as her fingers fumble the katar from its belt sheath. 

She has one chance to get it right. 

Her hand flies out in a single, stunning blow, a punch that without the blade at her knuckles might still have knocked this creature off her.

With it, she’s got a straight shot to the vampire’s heart. 

The old blade still strikes true, driving past bone to sink into the cold, dead heart of the monster trying to snuff out her spark. 

A stunned look crosses his face a moment before he crumbles into ashy dust in the alley. 

That’s right. I may be office staff, but that doesn’t mean I’m defenseless.

She uses the katar to tear a strip from her blouse, wraps her arm and then dials the agency medical hotline. “This is Hunter Desai, agency ID R-259870. Requesting non-emergency clinic transport.”

You can read this story and more on my WorldAnvil here!

@nade2308 @catwingsathena @the-one-and-only-valkyrie @telltaleclerk @whumptober

[one-piece-aus]

Hi There!! Can I request Whumptober No.11 for Yandere Kaku? -Bubble Anon

Of course! Kaku is one of my favourites to write for, I do hope you enjoy the story ^-^

Whumptober Day 11

Yandere Kaku x Reader

"No, you disappeared years ago." You could hardly believe the reality before you as your hand pointed at the man who stole your heart and vanished without any trace. "What are you doing here?"

"That's a silly question, [Y/n]," Kaku chuckled as he casually approached you, wearing the charming smile that made you fall for him. "I came to see you, [Y/n]."

"I moved on," you said, taking a step back. "I'm seeing someone else."

"Is that so?" His smile remained plastered to his face but ceased moving closer to you. "And you started seeing him because I disappeared? Is that it?"

"Y-yeah..."

"I guess he'll have to start seeing someone else then," Kaku stated like it was the simplest conclusion in the world.

"What- no- I'm-" You were stumbling over your words when Kaku lowered his face to meet yours.

"Because I'm going to be taking you to live with me." His smile grew to the corner of his eyes, and while you used to always gaze lovingly into his eyes, this is the first time you noticed how dark they truly are. No shine, no light, only a soulless void staring back at you. "Isn't that wonderful, [Y/n]? You'll be able to see me every day again! Aren't you happy, [Y/n]?"

"No..." You shook your head, fear and horror slithering up your skin. "You- you can't do that."

"Oh but I can," Kaku laughed, picking you up and swinging you in the air just like he did whenever you visited him on his lunch breaks at Galley-La, even mirroring the same joyful smile he wore. "I got permission from the Celestial Dragons that you could be housed with me in our new residence."

"Did...did you say... did you say the Celestial Dragons..." Your shock made the news difficult to process, you didn't even realize Kaku set you on the ground.

"Yes, my bosses approved of you living with me in the holy land while I work for them, they even said we could be married the moment we arrive," Kaku told you, petting your hair and hugging your body to his. "We can't disappoint the Celestials, now can we?"

You were frozen in his grasp, a bunny being caressed by a fox. Once the Celestials approve of something, not doing it is disrespectful and could even be seen as an act of treason, but would they really be so generous to Kaku? They usually don't care what the common folk do, they only think of themselves, but Kaku is working for them... and if they really did give permission...

You were no different than an animal trapped at the mercy of her hunter.

Tag: @bookandyarndragon @roseoftrafalgar

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

[whumpypepsigal]

Whumptober 2023 | No. 11

“All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.”

Titans s01e07: “Robin was the answer. Robin was going to fix everything. But you ruined it!”

@whumptober @whumptober-archive