#also i haven’t even mentioned james here but that’s a whole other thing

[padfootastic]

hiii i had a question - how do you think other people saw sirius? like at his time at hogwarts, what was his reputation like? what impression did he give off? and also i feel like there are a lot of parallels between bella and sirius, and so what do you think their similarities and differences are? anyway sorry for the word vomit and the wildly contrasting questions

hello <3 do not worry, friend, here at padfootastic’s blog we specialise in word vomit. ur amongst ur own here ;)

for the first part, i swear my opinion on this has changed so much recently since i started leaning into the cold, arrogant Black heir type characterisation for sirius as well as looking at the black family as a bit more like,,,royalty among the WW type thing ykno?

so i think that all wizard raised kids have at least heard about the black family, mostly as a cautionary tale, almost always in tones of reverent fear/awe, and sometimes incredulously—sirius black, therefore, would’ve come into hogwarts with a lot of expectations/eyes on him. he almost immediately bucks all of it with his gryffindor sorting but people are still wary (bc the WW is so essentialist) so i think that like—lingering hesitance would’ve followed him throughout the 7 years, something sirius would be very conscious of too.

i’m also of the opinion that the black kids all received like,,,etiquette training and pureblood lessons etc etc so they all have a poker face/mask that they use in public as well as being learnt how to control their emotions (think fanon legilimency) and sirius tended to default to that, which ended up making people nervous.

so, basically, he gave off the impression that he was better than everyone else (he was); thought himself superior (lowkey yes but he was working on unlearning that, promise); didn’t care for the general public (absolutely true); and was a bit of a terrifying bastard who never got close enough to most people to dispel rumours/legends ykno?

(and ik i keep banging on this like a dead horse, but i think that most people, including those who knew him, were also a bit wary of his ~dark side bc of his upbringing and family’s actions wrt voldy. like, even remus and peter, on some level had that in the back of their mind. it was only james who never ever held it against him or treated it like an innate part of him/a flaw)

re bella & sirius, whooooo. i’m rly not a bella expert (that’s @narcissa-black-supermacy and i would love to hear ur thoughts on this, dani) but let’s see:

- both of them r very intense, very passionate people. translates into extreme, almost unhealthy loyalty for the people they choose as their own. also makes them very entrenched in & involved with whatever they choose to do- like bella being a death eater, and sirius being a part of the order/harry’s godfather etc etc.

- i think both of them were great at magic, on an intuitive level. like, it’s one thing to work hard at it, but for these, magic was like an extension of their hand, not a tool. this made them terrifying in battles and displays of power bc they just had. so much potential. (duels b/w bella & sirius were also some of the most explosive & entertaining)

- very arrogant, very ‘most people r sheep, and we’re better than them’ (which is almost a Black prerequisite, ik ik) and i can totally see them hanging out just to sneer at people lol

- also this is v random but both bella and sirius lowkey give me aromantic vibes? like, they don’t much care for romance or relationships as much as they do about a cause/person/dynamic, yeah?

for their differences, hm. i actually think those two were much more similar than not (being firstborn heirs) but i really think bella’s morality was way more skewed than sirius’, for one. also think she defaults to magic/violence/physical fights in disagreements whereas sirius prefers using his words. i don’t think i can ever see bellatrix like, slumming it, ykno? she grew up with the finest and she’s very happy to continue using it. sirius, on the other hand, takes it almost as a way to be rebellious and doesn’t mind living minimal & using whatever.

[kindlingkeen]

Yo as the resident Jason Todd fan, maybe you can answer this for me because I haven’t been able to find the answer anywhere else.

At some point in RHATO, Jason gives up his most cherished memory. The one where he’s sick & Bruce stayed home with him.

He was offered it back, and told them to keep it. He refused the offer. I’ve heard that the memory gets mentioned again later but I don’t know if he ever actually really takes it back.

Do you know if he ever gets it back? It’s both sad and not if he doesn’t, because on one hand he’s losing a good memory, but on the other I think it helps cut him off from Batman. Which really might be good for him (looks at all the other comic issues w how Bruce has treated Jason)

Hey, anon. Thanks for the ask! 💙

I’m by no means an expert on the comics, but I did have a bit of a comic-buying hissy fit a bunch of months ago trying to answer this exact question for myself. Here’s what I concluded (complete with pretty pictures because I’m a firm believer in citing your sources):

So in the new 52 rhato #3 (written by Scott Lobdell), Jay, Roy and Kori each give up their most cherished memory to gain entrance to the Chamber of All. The memories are held by Sa’ru (an all powerful being is also apparently a bratty child?).

Sa’ru gives Roy and Kori their memories back when they exit the chamber, but Jay refuses his.

Skip forward a bunch of issues to rhato #19 and Jason actually has Sa’ru take all his memories after a thing with the Joker (that’s a whole different blog post) and he ends up with complete amnesia. The series is being written by James Tynion at this point, not Scott Lobdell.

But Jason eventually gets all of his memories back in rhato #26.

I think you can make a reasonable argument that Tynion intended this to include his most cherished memory, as Jason talks about remembering his finest moments, his lowest moments, etc. Note, the series is still being written by Tynion.

But now skip way way ahead to rhato rebirth #34, and we get this exchange. 

So, no, I guess he didn’t get it back? Note, that the series is back to being written by Lobdell at this point.

Honestly, I think this is just another stellar example of dc saying, continuity, consistency? What are these strange and foreign concepts? And thus authors doing whatever they want, to hell with any prior storylines. Tynion was clearing going for an arc where Jason reclaimed his memories. Lobdell had a different idea in mind.

I don’t know that it really matters either way. I mean it’s one memory, right? So even if it’s gone, Jason’s second most cherished memory just moves up into spot numero uno. Based on how much Bruce clearly meant to Jason, and that Bruce was actually a good Dad in most of the comics featuring Robin!Jason, I’m guessing that that memory is of the two of them together, too.

I’d say go with whatever makes you happy and fits your own head canons for Jason. I hate the whole storyline and pretend it doesn’t exist while I stick my tongue out at dc and tell them liberally to fuck right off.

Hopefully that was helpful/informative, or at least worth a merit badge toward my resident Jason Todd fan status (I’m expecting my vest in the mail any day now).

[redacted-metallum]

Image description: two scans from the 1980 edition of the TSR Advanced Dungeons and Dragons sourcebook Deities and Demigods.  The first is of the text accompanying the entry for Hastur, a full transcript of which is under a readmore link.  The second is a close-up of the illustration and depicts a lizard like creature covered in tentacles behind a castle.  It is considerably larger than the castle and there is a bolt of lightning in the background.  The upper right corner has a stylized signature of the letters E and O, indicating that Erol Otus is the illustrator of this particular image.

End image description.

My dad owns a copy of the Deities and Demigods book from before the copyright strike, and I haven’t seen any scans of Hastur from it around tumblr so.  Here it is!  The whole thing is very influenced by August Derleth’s interpretation of the Cthulhu Mythos, and I have Opinions about that, but this is specifically where the “don’t say Hastur’s name more than four times or he’ll come Get You” thing comes from, which I think is a very neat bit of history and trivia!

One other thing I find interesting is that there is no mention of The King in Yellow (the play) in this section.  There is also no mention of the Yellow Sign, Cassilda, or Camilla, though Lake Hali and Carcosa are mentioned as part of an “alien planet”.

The book is credited to James M. Ward and Robert J. Kuntz, and edited by Lawrence Schick.

The illustrations are credited to the following: Jeff Dee, Erol Otus, Eymoth, Darlene Pekul, Paul Jaquays, Jim Roslof, David S. LaForce, David C. Sutherland III, Jeff Lanners, and D. A. Trampier.

Text transcript is as follows:

HASTUR THE UNSPEAKABLE (He Who Must Not Be Named) “Master of the Air” Greater God

ARMOR CLASS: -2 MOVE: 36″/36″ HIT POINTS: 400 NO. OF ATTACKS: 2 DAMAGE/ATTACK: 20-200/20-200 SPECIAL ATTACKS: See below SPECIAL DEFENSES: See below MAGIC RESISTANCE: 50% SIZE: L (600′ TALL) ALIGNMENT: Chaotic evil WORSHIPER’S ALIGN: Chaotic evil SYMBOL: Image of the god PLANE: Prime Material Plane (distant planet) CLERIC/DRUID: Nil FIGHTER: As 16+ HD monster MAGIC-USER/ILLUSIONIST: 23rd level in each THIEF/ASSASSIN: Nil MONK/BARD: Nil PSIONIC ABILITY: I S: 25 (+7. +14)  I: 22  W: 23  D: 21  C: 23  CH: -4

This god has a scaled, elongated body, a lizard’s head and maw, and taloned lizard claws.  It also has 200 tentacles projecting from its body that give it the ability to sense all things around it.  It is able to strike twice per round and also attack magically.

At will, it can teleport anywhere in the Prime Material Plane.  Hastur regenerates 5 hit points per melee round, and can summon 2-20 Byakhee to aid it in battle.  It cannot be magically controlled.  Creatures that are able to fly naturally will never attack Hastur, even if controlled.  Any being trying to attack the god must make a saving throw against fear.

Hastur is half-brother to Cthulhu, and like him Hastur has been imprisoned by the star-shaped Elder Sign.  He lies in a crypt at the bottom of Lake Hali near the alien city of Carcosa.  Hastur exists partly on the Prime Material Plane (and this part is imprisoned in the crypt) and partly on the Elemental Plane of Air (thus he is immune to cold and the vacuum of space).  Hastur is never more than partially on the Prime Material Plane and is therefore not completely solid.  This accounts for much of his great size.

Any time the name “Hastur” is spoken, there is a 25% chance that Hastur will here and send 1-4 Byakhee to slay the speaker.  If the Byakhee are defeated, there is a 25% chance that Hastur himself will appear to destroy the blasphemer.

[enbysiriusblack]

HIIIIIII

Who have I not talked to you about before? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

First, I once saw an Evan/Pandora (they weren’t siblings. She was a lovegood here) thing and it was cute but also disturbing.

I’m trying to come up with a ship I haven’t mentioned before. Maybe I have mentioned them but Evan/Sybill. Evan is more silent, creepy, a freak, my type, weird and shit. You know him. Sybill is kind of the same but add religious freak but instead of religion it’s destiny/astrology/whatever. Well kind of religion. I’m trying to imagine it because it sounds aesthetic but at the same time I really can’t. It’s too similar to Evan and Pandora but so different at the same.

Wait now I’m thinking about Sybill/Snape unrequited. That’s I don’t like where my mind is going.

I don’t know what this ask is, pretty random, but I am curious about your response so hi!

i don't see pandora and evan as siblings but yeah i can't see them dating either 😭😭

hmm tbh sybill/evan is intriguing. i also see them both as big stoners so there's that aspect too. evan as this unsettling creep who's into taxidermy and biology and sybill who's also an unsettling creep but in a more accidental way (autism) who's into divination & has this family destiny she's been trying to fulfill her whole life but it never seems to work out. i think they'd break up when evan joins the death eaters as sybill doesn't want anything to do with that, and instead isolates herself to focus on her family 'destiny', and evan throws himself into the death eaters and torturing people in turn. (i swear every sybill ship i have ends with her breaking it off to isolate herself in a cabin to fulfill her supposed destiny 😭😭)

tbh i can't see severus/sybill. like i'm not sure if you mean unrequited on severus' side or sybill's?? just cause severus to me is always hung up and obsessed with lily. and even my other severus ships, he's still kinda mourning his childhood friendship with her (like charity/severus during their teaching years together where he sort of just sees lily in her and lowkey pictures her as lily- then ending up kinda betraying her too, then also severus/peter during their roommates era where they're both still hung up on the unrequited crushes they got killed (james & lily) and bond over that in a very messed up way)

[jhilsara]

Part 5 please??

Since you asked *v*

The next month (JULY) goes by and it is filled with unruly sexual tension between Sam and MC.

Damien can hear it all in both of their heads to and wants to slam himself against the wall because of it.

They awkwardly are dancing around their feelings and avoiding taking about it.

MC doesn’t want to push Sam into something and she sure as hell doesn’t know how relationships work for Incubi… or if they even do relationships.

Honestly, she still doesn’t know much about them, well except for the notes on magic and demon creatures her grandfather left. Which, while somewhat helpful, is not comparable to just asking them…

She’s reading over the book in his study when James comes in.

“Oh sorry, didn’t know you were in here today.” He apologizes “No, it’s fine.” She slams her grandfathers’ books closed and pushes it away from her in frustration. James quirks a brow. “Doesn’t look fine.” She wants to pull her hair out, “It’s not you it’s grandpa’s journals and short hand magic. I can’t really decipher a lick of it.” “Want me to look at it?” He asks grabbing his own book of log information for the company. “Sure. Knock yourself out. I need a brain break.” She hands it over to him. “You want me to translate it to something legible?” James asks “You don’t need to! I’d appreciate it but you have a lot on your plate.” “It’s fine. I can read your grandfathers short hand quite well now. He used it too in his work notes.” James “Thanks James.” “Could you do me a favor? This will take a little bit of time; can you handle dinner tonight?” James “Absolutely!”

She cooks dinner with Matthew that night. So, she has a pair of extra hands and also Matthew likes to be helpful… or nosey in this case.

“Sooooooo…” Matthew draws out while he’s chopping veggies. “yes?” She laughs “You and Sam have gotten pretty close huh?” He prods She raises a brow at him, “Um, I guess? Not any closer than I am with you all though.” She responds Matthew laughs, “So you’d let any of us take a nap with you all cuddled up?” Her face goes red and she whips around to him. “Not cute Matthew.” “I’m just asking if you and Sam are a thing yet!” he shrugs with a shit eating grin She groans, “We’re not anything Matthew.” She lets out a sigh and grabs a kitchen towel to whip down the counter. “We haven’t even talked about it okay?” Matthew raises a brow at her, his smiling fading, “Wait, like, you and Sam just were really close almost intimate the whole vacation and nothing? Not even a conversation.” She wants to scream. “Wow, I mean I knew Sam was emotionally constipated but damn.” “That’s what I mean! I’ve tried to approach him twice and he’s run for the hills. I mean…” she fidgets with her hands. “Do demons even get into relationships?” Matthew shifts his eyes, “Well, I mean… yes we do. But uh, none of us really have great examples to pick from when it comes to examining a healthy loving relationship.” Now it’s her to turn to be curious. “Erik vaguely mentioned once your dad was a real monster… What did that mean?” Matthew groans and tries to focus on cooking while answering, “He’s awful. Like your dad sucks don’t get me wrong but our dad… he’s killed people and started wars and I’m not exaggerating.” A shiver runs down her spine. “And your mom?” “More like moms, plural. We all have a different mom… James mom was the first one, the first wife. But our dad, the Demon Lord, it wasn’t enough. Then he married Erik’s mom and rinse and repeat. Except Damien’s mother… he never married her, he’s a bastard son…” Matthew’s gripping the knife hard in his hand, not moving to cut veggies anymore. “Matthew you don’t have to talk about it-” she tries to stop him. “No, it’s- it’s not fine, but we can’t never talk about our old lives.” He sighs before continuing. Shoving the veggies into a pan to cook them. “Our moms did not have good relationships. They wanted power and would get terribly jealous of each other. So much so the Demon Lord finally just took all of our mothers and destroyed their physical forms, turning them into orbs…” he sighs and turns to MC “Anyway, our parents didn’t have great love stories. Most incubi and succubi don’t even believe in love. It’s a human emotion, not one that many of us know…” “Oh.” Her shoulders slump in defeat. Matthew looks up at her face and panics a bit, “Hey it’s not impossible! I didn’t mean to bum you out! I just… I’m just saying we wouldn’t know what love looks or feels like. I wouldn’t say it’s impossible though.” He grabs her arms and makes her look at him. “I’ve seen how Sam looks and interacts towards you. It’s not how he’s ever been. When we were in the Abysall Plains, he was so filled with rage. Always fighting anything and everyone. Even our father. All the time. Since he met you though? That’s a different person.”  “I don’t know if love is real, or if we feel it, but I can tell you he feels something besides rage and it’s because of you.” “Thanks Matthew…” she hugs him tightly.

James gives her his copy of her grandfather’s notes at dinner, well the first 10 pages, and she’s ecstatic.

She takes it upstairs after dinner to immediately start reading them. It makes so much more sense to her now. She’s still confused by how magic works, and if she can even preform it, but it’s better than her trying to decipher her grandfather’s short hand by herself.

She falls asleep reading the notes on her bed. Until she’s rudely awoken. And it’s mega rude.

DIAAAAAAANAAAAAA LET ME BE THE ONE TO LIGHT A FIRE INSIDE THOSE EYES~

Anyway, Diana shows up, and uh very rudely wakes her up. Also she is not trying to play pretend with a human disguise she is full on succubus form and it’s the first one MC has seen since the boys have not reveled theirs yet.

First MC hears an obnoxious giggling but it’s the heat next to her face that wakes her up abruptly.

The notes James had just written for her are all on fire, in purple flames. It surrounds her, only burning the papers, but she can feel the heat.

Before she can scream there is a woman on her bed cover her mouth, and she definitely looks like a demon. She’s covered in purple marks with horns on her head and a thin tail whipping behind her.

MC looks around frantically trying to do something, but the fire and the woman are overwhelming her.

She looks back to the demon in front of her, and she feels the ebbing of enthrallment blend its way into her brain. She doesn’t like this enthrallment.

It makes her feel mush in her brain, like theirs no choice but to look at this woman who is still on top of her.

The demon slowly removes her clawed hand and gets closer to MCs face.

“So, you must be that Warlocks kin, right?” is the first thing this woman says to her. She doesn’t process it at all. “Answer me girl.” She sounds unamused. MC just nods her head, it’s too fuzzy to talk. “Mmmm, I’m going to do you a favor and get rid of these papers for you.” She slowly grabs a page of the notes and watches it fizzle away into ash in her hand. “You should think me before the Angels find out about you.” She looks back to MC and her face in unamused and fierce. “I’m taking those incubi brothers back home where they belong human. I don’t care how long they’ve been here they do not belong in this world. I need them to stop the war their father is going to unleash.” MC tries to break the enthrallment but she stays under the control of the succubus, who is slowly taking her energy and she barely touches her. She grips onto the MCs next, not enough to bruise but tight enough. “Do not tell them you saw me tonight human. I will rip your world apart. All of your friends and loved ones, gone. I’ll make sure your biggest fear becomes real…You’ll be alone, unloved.” The fear in her body rises as she looks at this woman who easily could kill her, and also apparently end her emotional and social life too. “I’ll take them tomorrow so say your goodbyes.” She let’s go of her throat and MC is gasping. As the demon rises she looks at the ashes left on the bed. “I am serious about that magic business you know. If you go digging Angels will come for you… They see everything pretty black and white and pick and choose who can use magic.” She leaves the room with that warning and the enthrallment ends. The room spins before MC passes out.

She wakes up late the next morning feeling like absolute shit. She wracks her brain over the night before coming up empty. Until she brushes the ash off her bed.

She bristles and throws herself off her bed. She doesn’t brush her hair or change out of her pjs and she bolts downstairs.

She bursts into the dining room, out of breath, and all five of the boys are in the middle of breakfast and give her a very confused look.

“You’re up awfully late.” James “Geez we’re not gonna eat all the food!” Matthew “What’s up with you?” Sam Her mind races around a million things, all from the previous night. Until her eyes land on Damien. Damien stares at her trying to decipher her thoughts that are running wild. “She’s here.” Damien panic looks at his brothers who are super confused. “Who’s here Damien?” Erik “That succubus… the one whose hand was promised to one of you.” “Excuse me?” James “…” Sam’s sitting in silent rage, his knuckles are white. His eye flash to MC for a second, his anger increasing. “Did she hurt you?” he asks her, calmly, but the anger lingers behind his words. “Uh, no no, she… I mean she threatened to if I told you guys. I think, I think she also took my energy? It’s kind of fuzzy.” MC “She what?!” Sam shouts and it rocks the room. He takes a deep breath and gets up to look at her. The dark circles under her eyes are bad, she’s also rocking on her feet a little. He grabs her arms to settle her, but he can feel her energy. It’s massively low. “She took a lot. How long was she there?” He asks her. “I uh,” She avoids Sam’s intense gaze for a second, looking at Damien behind him before looking back. “I really don’t know. She showed up in the middle of the night and immediately enthralled me. She caught me off guard by burning the notes on my bed.” She says bitterly. “What the fuck.” Sam bites out. He turns to Damien. “She wants to take us back. Back to the Demon Realm…” Damien looks at his brothers in worry. “She’s crazy if she thinks we’re going back with her!” Matthew “She mentioned… stopping a war...? The Demon Lord?”  she mumbles thinking “That doesn’t involve us.” Erik “Well she certainly thinks it does. She told me she’s ruin my life, make sure I’d be alone.” MC “That’s not gonna happen.” Sam says in determination. She backs up from Sam, taking a few steps to just breath. “That’s real nice guys, but this, this is just a lot to process right now.”  She’s caving in on herself. Erik grabs a chair and lowers her into it. She curls herself in the chair and hugs her knees to her chest.  She feels a little defeated and exhausted from supernatural beings trying to kill her. She overhears the boys talking but isn’t registering what they’re saying. She’s lost in her own thoughts, isolating herself. Someone touches her head, patting down her hair, in a soothing fashion. She locks eyes with Sam. “You’re not alone so don’t push us out okay?” he whispers. She nods, her throat still tight. There’s a disruption in the conversation, a summoning circle appears and up comes the succubus from the night before. The group stands their ground, Sam stands in front of MC with Erik, hopefully blocking her from the Succubus.

There's actually not that much left in my notes. I'm still figuring out Diana and the second game. But I can give you what's left (Which is another scene with Sam that I lowkey love) and maybe what the plan is? I think I need to replay it and take some notes ngl

[reefer-reelz-n-reviews]

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010)

 

Smoking: Papa Smurf {I had attempted to rolls some jays for the movie but for some reason they wouldn’t stay sealed 😥}

 

Here is the little description from Disney+ “A modern-day sorcerer must make his seemingly average recruit into the ultimate apprentice.” I feel it sums it accurately. Now for my high mind to write this week’s entry 😊

We start off with a background on the 3 sorcerers that worked under Merlin, James A Stephens, and the evil Morgana, Alice Krige. We have Nicolas Cage playing Balthazar and Alfred Molina playing Horvath the dueling for good and evil. Then we get a glimpse a little more into the future of a young boy named Dave who is found out to be the Prime Merlinean.

Now we go 10 years later and adult Dave is played by Jay Baruchel. The voice of Hiccup in How to Train Your Dragon. I love the relationship Dave has with Bennet, played by Omar Benson Miller. Bennet wants to help him not be by himself and spend time with friends so he doesn’t get stuck in his science projects alone.

Nicolas Cage coming into save the day by turning wolves to puppies while riding a giant metal eagle. I mean can you talk about an entrance!

One of my favorite parts is coming up. The fight in China Town, and on top of that during a festival! We have the fight between Balthazar and Sun-Lok played by Gregory Woo. He has this really cool power where he turned one of the festival paper dragons into a real dragon and chase Dave around. I love how they use the confetti. Its just floating down gracefully, and then they use magic to manipulate it as well.

I’m watching the movie right now on Disney+, but I also have the DVD as well. In the special features they go into details about how they made the Merlin Circle because they didn’t want it to be put in but have it be real. Now I don’t remember a lot about what was said, okay okay, any of what was said ahahah, but I remember thinking it was interesting lol.

Watching Jay try to make a plasma bolt is hilarious! It’s like a whole training sequence where he is basically failing, and failing hilariously.

Now we have Horvath trying to get some more help by reaching out to Drake Stone, played by Toby Kebbell. He uses his sorcerer abilities to be a magician and make money by doing shows. Very good looking and killer accent 😍

There is a Star Wars reference in this movie. Thinking about it. I wonder if in some how Disney new that 2 years after this movie came out they would take the Star Wars franchise?

Then they is the wonderful scene where Dave leaves his lab to be cleaned by his magic. This scene was done with a lot of people in green outfits being different kinds of cleaning supplies. It is an ode to the scene in Fantasia where Mickey Mouse puts on Merlin’s hat and does the same thing with the brooms and mops. They did a REALLY good job putting it all together.

And I just got a 10min interruption by a cat. Calcifur apparently needed my attention for a little while lol.

Snack Break!

I got this way too huge slice of cake. Its soooo good and coconutty 🤤

Can’t believe I’ve gotten almost 600 words in and haven’t even mentioned Dave’s love interest Becky, played by Teresa Palmer. They have a very cute relationship that buds throughout the movie.

Now we get to the last battle. Morgana has been brought back through the 3rd sorcerer Veronica, played by Monica Bellucci. Morgana’s soul is connected to Veronica’s and she is trying to complete the ritual she was stopped from in the beginning of the movie.

We have Balthazar and Horvath battling each other while she is shooting fire balls up in the sky and no one in New York is paying any attention to it. Nor was I for the last 5 mins lol. I got distracted on my phone for a minute there.

Dave gets to battle Morgana in the end, and you know, stuff happens. Once again, trying not to ruin stuff here lol!

Hope you enjoyed this week’s review! Till next time ❤

 

-RRR

[aemiron-main]

You’re aware that finalboysbyers does not, at all, ship HenWill? They’re an anti and they blocked me because I ship them. And the Twitter account you think is then is not them at all. It’s my mutual who has another Tumblr account. Just leave us alone. Just because you have beef with a Tumblr user who doesn’t even like HenWill doesn’t mean you can just go stalk us when we didn’t do anything. We’re just living in our bubbles shipping calmly in our corner and now there’s drama over nothing…

Are you sure that’s not their twitter, anon? I didn’t make that post, as I’ve only recently been made aware of their twt, but looking through it, the evidence is certainly stacked against them.

It’s funny to me that you don’t actually name the twitter account in question, and instead, just say “the twitter account you think is them,” and it’s funny because until, like, TODAY, in a reply & not even in a proper post, I haven’t named the twitter account in question- and the fact that you didn’t name it either tells me that this ask is a load of shit and that you’re more than likely finalboybyers/someone close to them who’s trying to cover their ass but can only use “the twitter account you think is them” because you don’t know what twitter account I think it is.

And if the account in question doesn’t belong to finalb*ybyers, then why did the twt account block me the other day right after I started having discourse with FBB? Despite me never having mentioned the twitter account by name at that point, nor having ever interacted with it on twt (and it blocked both my art account and my st account)- if that twt is just your innocent bystander friend, then why’d they suddenly go out of their way to block me (somebody who would be a random stranger to them) once I started mentioning FBB’s twitter? Is it all just a Big Coincidence??

It’s your mutual who has another tumblr account huh, anon?? Did you meet them the same way that you met your Girlfriend Who Goes To Another School? Like, cmon, you can’t name the twt account in question or the supposed other tumblr account, and I’m supposed to take you seriously?

Also, STALKING??? Again, this whole thing reads poorly like FBB or one of their buddies trying to cover for them, because they’ve been constantly accusing me of stalking when in reality, I only found out that FBB’s tumblr even existed because they were shittalking me/bitching about my posts/stalking me. They’d shittalked me repeatedly & constantly vagued my posts by the time I even found out they existed- so how does that make me the stalker?

At the end of the day, anon, I just want to be left alone. Like, I genuinely don’t have any desire or energy to start drama with henwill shippers, and the henwill shipping was only brought up because it’s a.) imo, a testament of them not understanding Henry’s character and b.) the fact that they were accusing me and James of being weird/embarrassing for posting Edward theories, and yet they’re out here posting extra-weird stuff on twt. Hell, I wouldnt have even known about their henwill stuff/their twt if a mutual hadnt mentioned it to me.

And hell, I don’t even have any desire to continue having issues with finalboybyers. I literally just want them to leave me alone, which is what I’ve said repeatedly. They’ve been the one constantly shittalking and stalking and insulting me, and hell, it’s their blog they can do what they want, but it’s not like I was the one that started conflict with them, THEY started it with ME/like I said, my ideal would be for them to simply stop with the absolutely constant hateposting about me & stop spreading outright lies about me.

Again, quit acting like I’m out here on some witchhunt for henwill shippers (as much as I don’t like henwill, I tend to Mind My Business/not go around chasing random people down for it because I just don’t have that time or energy) because the reality is that I just want this FBB person to a.) leave me alone and b.) quit being a hypocrite. I didn’t start anything with them, they had SUCH an issue with my posts before I even knew they existed & seemingly have been stalking me ever since they found my page.

Literally like. As long as finalboybyers starts leaving me alone, I’ll leave them alone. Hell, I havent even argued back with them NEARLY as much as they’ve bitched about me. Like. I straight up just want them to leave me alone, I didn’t have a damn thing to say about them until they started shittalking me.

[nought-shall-go-ill]

⭐️ Would love to hear some director's commentary for The Other Half of the Sky!

And I would love to give some director’s commentary for The Other Half of the Sky, @kay-elle-cee! I am so sorry it has taken so long. I typed out a whole answer to this the other day, only for the app to delete it 😰.

This is also my first time doing a director’s commentary, so if there is some kind of etiquette I’m getting wrong, further apologies! With that all said and one, here are 6 facts about TOHOTs in honour of Chapter 6, which will come out… eventually.

Fact 1: The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad TOHOTS - This story originally started out very differently. I came up with the original plot about a year ago. Lily was still estranged from friends and close to Snape, but she became connected with the Order in a very different way. She was made Potions teacher at Hogwarts and very gradually got close to Transfiguration teacher James who was a single father to Harry after his Muggle wife was murdered. The plot was far more centred around their love story but the other main plot points were there, so I shan’t mention more about that because spoilers! However, I didn’t even start to write that original TOHOTS down. Something just wasn’t right about it. So I tucked it away until I found the missing piece…

Fact 2: I got love for you if you were around in the 80s, the 80s - The 80s culture drives a lot of my love for this fic. And I am wholeheartedly not ashamed of that. It was entirely what it needed to spark some fire into it again. Now, I absolutely do not think a fic needs to be culturally accurate to be interesting. As far as I’m concerned, as long as I’m having a good time, I don’t care how accurate it is with the language or culture. However, I am also a history and linguistics nerd, and I love reading and hearing about this era! And it has been a dream of mine for awhile to write something that really delves into it. With my own bizarre background and educational history, I’m strangely well suited to writing about the variety of people groups introduced in TOHOTS too. I love getting lost in the world of this era and feeling like I’m really there. I can only hope the readers do too. So, sorry Potions teacher Lily, I abandoned you for a Depeche Mode-listening, Mackem Mum-having, Silk Cut-smoking Lily instead and haven’t looked back. (This has also been a great chance for me to connect again with British culture too. Though a born-and-bred Brit, I don’t spend a lot of time interacting with my home country anymore and though I have… mixed feelings about it, it is still nice to connect with it from time to time.)

Fact 3: Lily & Dorcas’ Infinite Playlist - There just might be a scene coming up in Heaven— I mean Elyseum, Caradoc’s club, sometime soon. Maybe. Maybe. And just maybe I’ve made a playlist of songs that will be playing in the club at the time. Maybe. And that playlist just might include maybe such songs as (randomly selected): Olivia Newton-John & The Electric Light Orchestra’s Xanadu; Bucks Fizz’ Making Your Mind Up; The Go-Gos’ We Got the Beat; and Kate Bush’s Babooshka. *Slight spoilers for next chapter* but there is also going to be an adjacent bar attached to the club that plays more alt music, so expect lots of post-punk and new wave, as well as pop!

Fact 4: Honey I Blew Up The Fic - As some people might know this fic originally started off as a The Light Come Shining length one shot. It then became a 12 chapter multi chapter fic. Now, it is currently set to be around 42 chapters long. That’s quite the growth! But honestly, I prefer it this way. This has allowed me to explore far more of Lily’s story away from James, and I personally think it is a stronger story for that. Sure, it would probably need a professional edit if it were a published piece, but we’re here to learn and have fun ne.

Fact 5: Blech - In the name of being honest, I have one thing I dislike about this fic. Most of it I love, but that first paragraph… I just don’t know what I was thinking! I think I was trying to be like the sort of writer I’m not. Perhaps I shouldn’t admit to that, but it felt like something suitable for a director’s commentary. Not everything has to be perfect for you to love it. (Might go back and edit it one day though…)

Fact 6: The Good, the Bad and the Muggle-y - Though it won’t be a huge part of the plot, I also plan to explore Muggleborn reactions to 1980s current affairs in this fic. This might not be popular with everyone, I’m aware. Fanfic is escapism. But a lot of hardships occurred in the 1980s and though TOHOTS Lily is certainly flawed, I just can’t see her ignoring them entirely, at least not forever. In many ways, I want this to contrast canon in that way. Though Harry becomes more and more concerned with the Wizarding World (as he has every right to be), Lily is older and has a different fight to live through. I cannot see a movement that is so concerned with saving Muggle lives not becoming entangled with it… at least slightly. So, do expect more of that Muggle culture to come in and make a bit of a mess as it does.

And that’s it! I hope that is along the right sort of lines for a director’s commentary! I also plan to put out a little snippet later on too, so watch out for it.

[vonkarma2]

9 13 & 19?

9. What is one of your character's theme songs?

Very difficult to pick just one this is so much pressure. Does anyone have like only one song associated with them like a side character or something. Ok I couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t embarrassing so Im dodging the question. To make up for it here’s a playlist I made of ed ideas like if it was an anime these could be the ending song. Or an ending song if it was the same as like dorohedoro where they had a bunch of different ones 

13. Which OC do you make art/media with the most?

I think it’s actually Angel, like Rocio used to be the OC I drew by far the most but I actually think I draw Angel slightly more these days or at least like in terms of drawings that take more than 15 seconds. Probably bc there are more poses and outfits I can draw him in + expressions I can draw him with, whereas Rocio only does this 😐🧍and wears the same thing like every day of their life. But yeah he’s super fun to draw and I actually have written some things from his perspective as well which I also think is fun :) he has like a unique perspective like within the characters because of his personality and backstory. I feel like I haven’t shown like the negative sides or what he’s like enough so far though so I’m looking forward to doing that in the future 

19. Who is your most recent OC?

So I think like I’m not going to count people as an oc if they don’t meet the qualifiers of 

-Having a name -Having a solid defined storyline and/or personality -Having been drawn or written abt more than once By this metric I haven’t made any new ocs in a while 😔 I’ve done like character designs but none that have really stuck, probably because I like already have a lot of established ones that I’m focusing more on yk. Like there are a lot of storylines I already have, so I feel like a lot of dynamics + types of characters I find interesting are already covered, and I usually don’t really need to make new ones. Usually my motivation for trying to make new characters is like an aesthetic or tone I think would be interesting but that’s not really enough to base a whole character off of yk. I’d like to come up with more ocs bc I like designing characters but yeah I think I’d like to focus more on my older ones for now. Maybe I’ll try to come up with new like main ocs if/when I finish writing out their story. I feel like the side stories will be in minor character limbo forever bc I don’t really have a story with them and also bc I was picturing them as a comic or visual novel which I would never finish in a million years. Whereas I think I could eventually finish writing something yk.

But anyway time to actually answer the question <3. Actually now that I think abt it it’s probably Connor Armitage collab with @lycanthrology . Does he really count he like canonically exists (long story short he’s another character’s shitty absent father) but doesn’t ever appear or get directly mentioned or anything. Absolutely 0 relevance to the story at all. Also he might not count because Ive never drawn him + I don’t think anything had been written with him.

Before that it’d have to be Dominic Ortega from meat city which is also a collab with various people including @zipmode whose art you should check out <3 (the other people I’m not going to tag here because idk their usernames on this website). First and foremost he is a rabbit furry. But also he’s like an old man who used to be a lawyer but got incredibly tired of his life and so moved to meat city and became an evil wizard instead. Carnomancer specifically bc yk meat city. He likes creating monsters for fun and unleashing them among the populace also for fun, main goal is to escape boredom in life + find some kind of connection even (especially) if it’s negative. He used to have a sort of friend in thr form of James Bianco who was like. His Jesse Pinkman. But unfortunately he was accidentally killed horrifically, and Mr. Ortega’s (Im not on a first name basis with him it feels weird) attempt to resurrect him instead created a mindless zombie which eventually gained an entirely new intelligence. This person’s name is Rico theyre like their own character but the question didn’t ask to explain them as well so I’m not going to <3. But the two characters do interact I might give them like a goal they have to work together to accomplish that might be fun to write abt. But yeah he was created May 2022 so that’s when I have most recently made a new character.

[jabbers-wild-world]

;; Alright, guys! I’m a little late since I usually make this sort of announcement at the beginning of the month, but that’s neither here nor there! Anyway!

It’s spooky time, and because of that, I am leaving a note here for you guys, of some special muses that show up on my blog around this time of year. Those muses are as follows:

- Artimaes Krippt -

Dear Arty is a long-standing muse of mine, but he’s usually fairly quiet except around October. And sometimes he’ll stick around for a little while after. He’s a beloved muse, at least by me, and an absolute sweetheart. Despite everything, that is.

Artimaes comes from a novel series I’m working on that I’ve been calling ‘the Hallows series’, and he is a Headless Horseman. Not exactly the Headless Horseman, but a horseman without a head all the same. He was beheaded years ago, and put under the usual curse of ‘whoever possesses his head controls him’ kind of deal.

Long story short, a teenage boy named Milo goes into the graveyard and takes Arty’s head on a dare, because what kind of story would it be without that, on Halloween night when there’s a full moon overhead. The perfect time to accidentally raise the dead, am I right? From that point on, shenanigans ensue and the two of them actually kind of.. end up possibly falling for each other? Anyway, yeah. So that’s just a little about Arty and his story.

Next!

- Samhain the Cryptkeeper -

This one’s somewhat of a newer addition. Samhain, or Sam, is a dullahan (sort of like Arty but different) and he’s a bit of a prankster. See, he’s more likely to intentionally give someone a spook than to do it accidentally, and then he will laugh about it. Still, he does have a job to do and he does it well.

I haven’t exactly named the book series that’ll feature him, but for now let’s just call it.. the Cryptkeeper series. Since.. yeah. Samhain the Cryptkeeper. Anyway, basic story for him is that it is his eternal duty to guard these crypts where a horrible demon king was imprisoned and sealed away. That’s another reason why he intentionally jump-scares people. He’s chasing them away from the crypts. Honestly, he’s a pumpkin-headed menace, lol. (He does have his head, he just likes to hide it places and use a jack-o-lantern instead, for shits and giggles)

But one chilly October evening, he slacks off just a bit on his duties and a bunch of teenagers manage to get past him and they steal some important objects from the crypts, which triggers the countdown to the demon king rising again. And now Sam has become the protector of these idiot teens, and it’s ultimately a whole found family type of thing. And that’s it for Sammy boy.

Next!

- Micah V. James -

Now, Micah is also sort of a year-round muse, but he gets especially noisy during October. He used to have his own blog, but I have since moved him here alongside so many others. So yeah. Here’s a zombie with a brain, and a soul. How’s that for a fun time?! Lol.

He’s the main protagonist of another novel series of mine called ‘the Guidebooks series’, or ‘Micah’s Guidebooks’, with the first one in the series being ‘Micah’s Guide to the Monster World’ and the second being ‘Micah’s Guide to Zombies’. Anyway!

Micah and his friends/coworkers are paranormal investigators/mediators/advocates/whatever else they’re needed to be. And they’re all something paranormal or supernatural themselves. Like Micah, for example, being a zombie. But yeah, these guys are who you call instead of the Ghostbusters. For every kind of paranormal/supernatural problem.

Micah is one of the newest members of the team, and he was raised up by a necromancer who… well, wasn’t actually present for Micah’s rising. This man had to dig himself out of his own grave, not to mention he now bears a sigil on his back (also courtesy of the necromancer) that binds his soul inside his body and makes him effectively immortal, and even semi-indestructible. So that’s his thing. He’s the front man when things get dangerous just because he can survive through.. a lot of shit. He’s sarcastic and occasionally moody and has a bit of a short temper, but he’s a good guy and he really does care. And that’s it for Micah!

And that’s it so far for my spooky muses that have come out for the season! If any more pop up, I will add them too!

[ideas-on-paper]

Gamescom 2024 résumé

It’s that time of the year again when Gamescom has come to an end after 5 intense days of playing Steam demos, and after sobering up from my "gaming beano", it's finally time for me to collect my own thoughts - or, at least that’s been my usual experience of it in the past few years (I haven’t been there in person since 2019). While I did my “mini reviews” for indie games that I tried out on Mastodon, I’ve decided to publish my general résumé on Tumblr this year, since I have quite a few thoughts that I wanted to take the time to address in detail (and frankly, I just didn’t want to put up with Mastodon’s character limit and a mile-long thread of posts). So, without further ado, here are my impressions of Gamescom 2024.

First off, let's start at the beginning: Opening Night Live. My opinion on this year's ONL is essentially the same as the previous years: pretty okay. I should mention, however, that I don't really care about modern triple-A gaming - the stacks upon stacks of open world graphic marvels with a maximum of uninspired game design just bore me to death.

The only thing that could've made this showcase potentially interesting to me would've been an announcement of the Lies of P DLC - however, since Neowiz wasn't even among the exhibitors, any hope I had for that deflated before Gamescom even started. (It's strange, actually - Gamescom would have been the opportunity to announce it if they're sticking with the release window of late 2024.)

One good thing that ONL did though was reminding me to check out Ara: History Untold. I was already intrigued by it when I heard about it during last year's Gamescom, and since the game will release soon in September, they finally showed some more extensive gameplay. It's strange that despite being such a big strategy fan, I've never played a Civ game before (except the Nintendo DS variant I had as a child where I lost horribly due to trying to play the game as a pacifist), but I'm actually very tempted to give this one a shot - a grand strategy game with environments rendered in an amount of detail comparable to Anno sounds really great. (One of my favorite things when I was playing Anno 1503 as a child was to stop for a brief moment and just look at everything that was going on.)

Also, I'm really intrigued by the feature that you can create your own leaders. I used to say “the moment I'll pick up a grand strategy game is when I'll be able to play as Vercingetorix and absolutely blow Caesar to kingdom come” - and even if Vercingetorix isn't in the game by standard, I can simply create him. I kid you not when I say that I could cry every time when I think about how the Gallic Wars were essentially just instigated by one person to gain political power and money - Rome itself wasn’t even interested in conquering Gaul, and Caesar had enough enemies in Rome who would’ve loved to see him fail in his self-staged glory campaign. A Gallic victory might have even inspired other peoples and nations to push back against Roman expansion and Romanization, leading to a more diverse European legacy as a whole (fun fact, btw: a lot of “Roman” inventions were actually just taken over from other cultures). Now, this is an alternate reality that I would love to see - plus, I’m always open to bullying some Romans. Who knows, if I’m really getting to rewrite history, maybe Carthage can join in the fun too. (Bring me those elephants, Hannibal!)

Since I've been a bit confused that they chose Nefertiti over Hatshepsut as an Egyptian leader*, I would love to play a campaign as her, too - the, according to James Henry Breasted, “first great woman in history of whom we are informed”. Not only that, her rule was so successful (especially in regards to trading and construction projects) that the patriarchal authorities of Egypt saw their worldview threatened, and because they couldn't have any records of an actually competent woman, they went out and erased her name on almost all of her monuments so she was basically forgotten by history for a long time. Well, I'd love to change that - as usual, though, I will wait what the reviews for Ara are going to be like, and maybe wait a little more until I can snatch the game at a good price.

*It's not that I'm unhappy with Nefertiti as a choice, I'm just a little surprised they wouldn't choose Hatshepsut in the light of her achievements. It’s also a little baffling that they announce Nefertiti as “pharaoh of Egypt” when she was just Great Royal Wife (albeit a very influential one) and Hatshepsut literally held the position of pharaoh. (There are theories Nefertiti ruled briefly after her husband died, though this is a matter of debate.) Also, tiny detail, but that Nefertiti starts out with Waset (aka Thebes) as a capital is hilarious to me, since she and Akhenaten demonstratively left Waset to establish Amarna as the new capital during their reign.

One novelty this year was the German Indie Showcase (“Deutsche Indie Showcase”), which took place about one hour before Opening Night Live and focused on upcoming indie games from Germany, Austria, and Switzerland.

Although a lot of them weren’t really “world premieres” in the sense of the word - more like new trailers for already announced titles or new content releases/updates - I still found it way more interesting and entertaining to watch than ONL, in no small thanks to the commentary by German YouTubers Gronkh (whom I’ve been a long-time fan of) and PhunkRoyal.

Speaking of which, some people may know Gronkh as one of the “regular guests” of Gamescom, but this year, he actually didn’t make an appearance at the fair. This is something he announced last year, after he realized that more and more influencers who had nothing to do with gaming tried to use Gamescom as a means to gain publicity. Because of this, Gamescom was increasingly criticized for turning more and more into an “influencer convention” in the past years, which led to Gronkh clearly positioning himself and saying “I don’t want Gamescom to exclusively become an influencer event, and I don’t want my presence to divert attention from what’s supposed to be the main attraction: the games”. As a consequence, Gronkh announced he wasn’t going to be at Gamescom 2024 and instead would organize smaller events for his community. I think this is actually a very commendable move, and that he uses his range to give more visibility to local indie games is something I appreciate all the more.

The German Indie Showcase itself was hosted independently of Gamescom, featuring no third-party advertisements, show acts, or any other useless knick-knack. This is a development that I welcome a lot, not only that we get a special event with a spotlight on local developers, but also that the showcase focuses on what it’s actually about: the games.

After catching up on some of the other showcases after Gamescom (because I was too preoccupied to watch them live), one nice surprise for me was Planet Coaster 2, which I didn’t even know about before seeing the trailer (for some reason, the announcement about a month ago just completely flew over my head ^^'). Frontier Developments took some inspiration from Roller Coaster Tycoon 3's "Soaked!" expansion this time, adding water attractions as the brand-new feature. I would be interested in checking it out if I didn't know I'm 100% going to get stuck again trying to make everything as pretty as possible, which is exactly why I never got very far in Planet Coaster 1. xD

Meanwhile, in my opinion, the indie game division had a lot more interesting titles to offer. Same as last year, I checked out a selection of 20 Steam demos from Indie Arena Booth during Gamescom, plus 4 I already played preliminary. Out of the 24 games I tried out in total, my highlights were:

Moses & Plato - Last Train to Clawville

Songs of Silence

Closer the Distance

Winter Burrow

Goodbye Seoul

Steel Seed

30 Birds

Once Upon a Rogue's Tale

Awaken - Astral Blade

Bloodless

I want to thank all the devs who provided online demos of their games for this wonderful experience - the indie games are what I’m looking forward to the most every Gamescom, and I had tons of fun checking out all the awesome demos, even those that didn’t make it into the top 10. If you’d like to read my full thoughts on all the demos I played, here are my review threads from Mastodon:

Preliminary/New in August

Day 1: Strategy

Day 2: Detective, point & click, visual novels

Day 3: Action, platformers, metroidvanias

Day 4: Puzzle

Day 5: Sim, story, cozy games

In general, I had the impression that way more indie developers provided demos of their games than last year, and some even held special events in celebration. Awaken - Astral Blade, for instance, had a Gamescom Special Demo (it was essentially just a slightly more polished version of the normal demo, but it’s still nice the devs used this opportunity to show everyone how things are coming along) and Goodbye Seoul held a simultaneous Steam giveaway event.

Other games from Hall 10.2 had playable Steam demos as well, including Paws and Leaves - A Thracian Tale, Reka, and We Harvest Shadows. Even some bigger developers followed the trend, with Krafton providing a Steam demo for inZoi’s character editor.

Given that more possibilities to take part in Gamescom online was one of my biggest wishes last year (due to the online section diminishing somewhat after the Covid years were over), I am especially heartened by this development. Due to chronic illness, it has become increasingly difficult for me to travel to Gamescom myself (not to mention the noise level and crowds, which were always a challenge for me as a neurodiverse person), and it’s so great that people who can’t visit Gamescom in person for whatever reason also get opportunities to take part in it. Also, since more accessibility was a huge topic this year, I think online presence can also be used to further improve on that - and since Gamescom 2024 set a new record in regards to online reach with 310 million digital accesses, this development will hopefully continue.

Finally, I’d like to make a brief comment on this year’s “motto” of Gamescom as formulated by the organizers: One of the guiding principles was “games foster democracy”, which, understandably, has caused quite a bit of confusion among some commenters. One German journalist even humorously remarked: “As long as I haven’t formed a conclusive opinion on that, I’d rather rely on the Federal Constitutional Court than Candy Crush Saga.”

While I wouldn’t make a general claim that video games foster democracy, I would like to add that games can foster diversity. If we have a diverse range of games made by a diverse range of people - such as we see in Indie Arena Booth - it can lead to more diversity in the medium, which in turn can increase open-mindedness among the people who consume it, and thus foster democratic values.

Overall, the impression Gamescom 2024 left me with is a very positive one, and I think there were a lot of steps in the right direction.

What’s your opinion on Gamescom 2024? Do you have anything you’d like to add? Feel free to share your own thoughts!

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Twenty Six - Pixel, Sniffer and Lucian

*But it's such a waste of time to think*.

I removed my head from the glass pane it was leaning on the moment I reached my destination while “Arrow” by polite fiction was blasting through my headphones. It’s about midday and most of the bad weather has already cleared up. I mean it was still cold, and the wind was gently waving bushes left and right, but the rain has gone, so I am happy. The bus stop is about 3 blocks away from Jesse's house. Enough time to think about all the stuff I wanted to tell them. Honestly, I went here to surprise them as a thankyou for helping me with the move but things got rather interesting the last two days so there is alot to report. Though I am not really sure if telling them about Ethan is the right step. I mean, we shared not even 10 messages, there are still enough reasons this whole thing could simply not work out. I mean, I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend anyways so why tell them. I mean, sure they are my best friend but if I would tell them about every person I meet even Jesse would consider me as a sexworker. I mean, they wouldn’t blame me, they’d just be surprised. Nonetheless I’m not telling them. I wouldn’t have told Lucia if she wouldn’t be the person that initiated this whole thing in the first place. I still don’t know if that was a good, or bad Idea. Whatever. 

While walking I also messaged Sarah that I will be back in less than 48 hours, so she’s not too worried. She probably isn't but I agreed to help her paint the wall so it would be kind of an ass move to not show up without informing her. I asked her if it would be possible to wait till I’m back since I really do enjoy painting walls. And yes, I know. If I like painting then why the fuck have I ordered Jesse to paint my own? Well, first things first, I didn’t know they’d be there. Second, they are better. Third, because I simply can. Also I love looking at Jesse painting. It’s so chill, so artistic no they are so chill and artistic…so…nice. And Jesse likes it too and I much rather have them painting a wall then smashing some of my favourite  plants or picture frames. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t trust them but they can be really clumsy especially if they are holding stuff from others. You can also see that in their place. Because of that, they kind of became a pro in kintsugi. Aka everything they drop, they’ll fix it with gold. It’s really pretty. I mean I did not intend to have a lamp with gold cracks all over but it’s pretty. And yes, they did drop my lamp, twice. On the other hand, my bath now has a really fancy lamp that wasn’t even worth twenty soo I guess Jesse did eventually break something without me bothering too much about it. Nonetheless, there it is, the house of the Owens. Back in the days I always asked my mom “Oh when Can i be at the Owens, Oh when.” I never mentioned my humour was good, but Jesse always laughed about it no matter how crappy it might be. It was a classic house you’d expect in england.Lot’s of bricks on top of each other, a door and several windows. The front door always had a seasonal door wreath which the two made. It’s kind of a tradition around their family. I almost got hit by the door when I was trying to ring. It was Charles, running out of the house like it was on fire. Actually, he was in such a hurry that he knocked me over, leaving me to stumble and fall backwards into the small bushes that were planted alongside the way to the house.

Charles: OH MY GOODNESS JESSE I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU I AM SO SO SORRY!!! James: Ahahaha *snort* Charles: Wait, you’re not my child! Even worse I am so so so so so James: Charles, hey it’s fine haha Charles: Wait, say that again? James: Hand? Please? Charles: OH MY GOD JAMES! Hi, how are you? It's been soooo long! James: Hi big guy. Is everything fine? You seem in a hurry? Charles: Ah I missed the plane anyways, but How are you it’s freezing outside lets get in - Charles: Here, for you. Still like it that way right? James: Yeah, you always made the best hot white choc Charles: Well they do call me the hot choc master James: Uh hu, sure Charles: No really, back in kindergarten, I made the best choc. It was not drinkable, but it looked nice! But, how come you are here? James: Well, actually I wanted to surprise Jesse but it seems like they are not around Charles: Yeah, they meet up with a friend from school. A bit like you too did back in the days. Do you miss it? James: Can I be honest? I’m not really sure. Alot of stuff was shitty, but I had good memories too. And I can’t blame everything on my shit dad or my addict mom so Charles: Is…is Mildret back in rehab? James: Not sure, could be. Charles: Haven’t you talked with her? James: Ha, no. She helped me with the move and that was the last time I’ve seen her. Charles: I see. James: I know it must be strange to you and Jesse not to have a mother around so, I’m sorry if it makes you feel strange. Jesse never told me what happened to their mom, you…wife? Sorry I shouldn’t have said that. Charles: It’s fine, no hard feelings kid. She died when Jesse was way too little to remember her. Ever since we got just the two of us.I think we did well, haven’t we? James: OH no you did awesome. Jesse turned out so amazing. Charles: Haha, thanks. Sometimes I think I might have been a shit dad myself, but they never have been mean about me always being on the run. James: Speaking of, where were you heading when I came here? Charles: Oh nothing big, just a flight. I’ll catch the next one. James: but isn’t Charles: OH FUCK

Charles jumped off, grabbed his bag, hugged me and then hurried out the door like when I was there. Thistime, he made it without any incidents. I heard a voice fading in the distance

Voice: Hi Dad - Voice: Bye Dad

 I’ll be honest, I was quite curious about what happened at the front of the house. I grabbed the closest blanket, threw it around me like a cape, grabbed my pot of hot choco and went to the door. Charles left in such a hurry so the door was still left wide open. I’ve decided to just stand in the door, facing the street. I’ve seen how Charles got into his car and drove off, but I’ve also seen Jesse getting closer to the house. They had headphones on and if there is one thing we both have in command it’s that we hear or nothing besides the music, so I wasn’t surprised that it took Jesse so long to see that I was standing in the door.

Jesse: JAMES! YOU? HERE? James: Yeah it be I Jesse: Oh my good it’s gold get in or else you’ll get sick. James: Yes  lad Jesse: Oh fuck off. Who let you in? James: Ehm? Charles? Who else is the neighbourhood kitten? Jesse OH have you seen them? They have like 3 little cats all grey. I named them Pixel, Sniffer and Lucian. Coffee? James: I’m ehm, fine? Are you though? You seem almost as stressed as your dad Jesse: Oh me? Nah I’m fine I’m just cold ass fuck James: Wait, you’re cold? What can happen? Jesse: Duh? I mean when I get sick, the first thing that happens is that I get cold. But no worries, that’s only for the first 48 hours, after that I’m back on heat. Mind if I take a bath? James: Damn you must be really sick Jesse: Huh? James: Since when do you ask? Jesse: Because? Ugh here, that’ll keep you warm

Jesse handed me a cup of coffee, even though I disagreed like not even ten minutes ago. But they do seem all over the place. Oh well, maybe school. Lucia said that a lot of teachers, mentors and so on are really stressing their teens with lessons. With a cup in each hand and the blanked still all over me I followed Jesse into the bath upstairs. When I arrived at the door Jesse was already standing in front of the bathtub, only in their olive coloured Calvin Klein underwear. The water was filling and Jesse was adding liquid that started to bubble as soon as it touched the water's surface and within seconds the entire house had a scent of cherry and perfume all over. I took a seat in front of the bathtub as Jesse walked into the water. I leaned my head on the border, so did Jesse. The entire house was silent. I heard Jesse slowly breathing in, and out. In…and out. The speed of the breathing was as calm as a soft wind on a summer day in spring. It felt like the both of us would lay on a grassy hill…just after school.

When…..When the sunStarted to uhm…..Sun…hehe shiny sun.

[marshmallowloves]

Afterword

The selfship Valentine's event is pretty much over, and this doesn’t fit in with any of the theme days anyway (and I know that’s fine but for this I mostly wanted to try and stick to the themes dkjfg) BUT… I wanted to say a few things about some certain F/Os that I didn’t get to during the event.

(tw for mention of real-life death)

I love all of my F/Os dearly, but I have more of a history with some of them. And even fewer still held a deeper meaning to me before I even knew about the term “F/O.”

I think it began with Pit. My grandfather died in 2014, much earlier and more suddenly than expected. At the time, and for a short time before, I was very devoted to the religion I grew up with (of which he was also devoted to his whole life, up until around his death), and I had a lot of encouragement to continue this devotion from the one very good friend I had, who also shared this religion. This window of time also coincided with my first time playing Kid Icarus: Uprising, which I absolutely adored. And because of the way that I handle grief – isolating myself with the things and hobbies that I like – Pit could not have possibly been a more perfect source of comfort. An angel, a heavenly messenger who might help me say the things I never got to say to my grandfather, who might help me hear him back. Someone who would be my friend and hug me and say all the right things to me about death and grief and healing. It’s a little embarrassing to say but I’m tearing up a little as I write this. I didn’t selfship with Pit at this point - right now he was just the closest thing to a guardian angel I had, because I didn’t think I could take real solace in anything other than something like divine intervention.

I graduated high school half a year later in 2015. I had about a 1-2 year “break” period, and then was expected to start seriously considering work or more school. The fact that I am still tearing up about my grandfather’s death nearly a decade after it happened should give you an idea of how badly it affected me before, even if I had a hard time outwardly expressing it. I was not ready to continue life yet in the slightest, despite the well-meaning pressure from my parents (and I will never think of it as anything but well-meaning, just really poorly timed).

So when I was then introduced to Seduce Me – a visual novel featuring a protagonist whose beloved grandfather dies much earlier than he was supposed to, and despite her grief she is expected to continue her normal adult life at the behest of her parents (well, one parent), before finding solace in otherworldly/supernatural beings that just so happen to appear during this very dark point in her life – it’s safe to say it resonated with me immensely. It’s no wonder then that James became a new source of comfort for me, although this time around I felt comfortable self-shipping with him as well - Seduce Me is a player-insert romance game, after all.

The fact remained though that he served much the same purpose as Pit. It’s the reason why, in my Brother Husbands AU, James and Pit are the two main heads of the house besides myself (and in my Summoner AU, they’re the two beings my sona can summon with each hand: the angel and the demon). They’re the ones who have been here the longest, and they were integral to my healing process. (To a slightly lesser degree, that’s kind of also why I have them listed as “not comfortable sharing” in my F/O list... I think I’d feel kind of weird about it since they’re not just romantic faves to me.)

Needless to say I still haven’t fully recovered from this. That’s why I still include a deceased grandfather in some of my S/I’s backstories (or just keep it in, if it happens to a self-insert character in canon) – Seduce Me, Stardew Valley, Ace Attorney, and probably some others I’m forgetting right now. Incorporating it is a way for me to have more control over it, in a sense (I know realistically I could never have controlled what happened), and it helps me continue to process it in a way that’s comfortable to me.

I didn’t really think of an ending message to this post, so I’m not really sure what else to say, actually. I kind of just wanted to express how important some of my F/Os are to me beyond selfshipping, and I think it’s good if your F/Os bring you this sort of comfort for real-life stuff, too.

[robertogreco]

This was one of my final posts on the watch forum, made sometime in October 2022.

Cosplaying the Present: On the Genres of Cosplay and the Genre I Choose

From Jack Forster's "Cosplay, Being James Bond, And A Theory Of Watch Collecting: Cyberpunk godfather William Gibson, and being James Bond – or his boss“ (2021):

Watches can let us cosplay, not just as real-world professionals we admire, but as fictional characters we like, too.

For an explanation about what cosplay is, if you don’t already know, Jack’s essay has you covered. The rest below will make more sense if that word means something to you. Jack also references the tending of watches as “The Tamagotchi Gesture,” which comes from Gibson’s “My Obsession,” that essay I like to point to frequently as “William Gibson’s Watch Education.” But I want to stick to cosplay in this post and I will reference another Gibson idea further along.

Even though my one watch doesn’t necessarily fill the bill, I have a general preference for watches that are rooted in the present looking forward as opposed to those fully in the past (most vintage watches), looking to the past (vintage influenced designs, like the BB58 and others even more so), or way out there scifi stuff (Urwerk and the likes). That’s why I like what I call a “flat matte aesthetic” with its unfaded (faux or otherwise) colors, often vibrant, like the Nomos Club Campus in pink or the newest Fortis Stratoliner. [See below for an image of this watch and for all the watches mentioned in this remainder of this paragraph.] It’s why I like titanium watches and watches that use materials other than the more usual suspects (steel, gold, bronze, platinum, brass), many of these have that flat matte aesthetic too, like the Hermès H08, RZE watches, the Oris ProPilot X Calibre 400, Boldr watches, etc. Those first three get into “Hybrids and Blurred Lines,” that breaking of watch categories of the past by mixing things together and inventing new types even if poorly labeled. This is another glance into the future.

All of the above makes it unsurprising that I posted the F.P.Journe élégante in Titalyt (also the first photo at beginning of this post) as my “grail” today. In the case of that watch, it’s not just the category blurring, the materials, and the aesthetic (to a lesser extent than the others, but, oh, the radial numerals, I am such a sucker for those <3), but especially the internals that are very much of the day and looking forward. Go read or watch something about that quartz movement if you haven’t already. Yeah, I suppose an Apple Watch Ultra is the epitome of these ideas, but many of you all don’t even consider it a watch and I have another reason why not below, and besides I could do this. [Zooms out from the image above to the original that I cropped.]

I bet a lot of this has to do with my preferences in literature, film, and television. I am much more likely to be interested in something that is contemporary than something that is historical fiction or very future-y scifi. I like all of those things as well, but nearest future scifi is of particular interest, especially stuff like the William Gibson writing from the last couple of decades that has led to him talking about his form of scifi as being rooted in the present, that whole “The future is already here. It’s just not evenly distributed yet.”

Tim Maughan’s Infinite Detail is a similar type of science fiction.

The world of Infinite Detail is a small step shy of our own: utterly dependent on technology, constantly brokering autonomy and privacy for comfort and convenience. With Infinite Detail, Tim Maughan makes the hitherto-unimaginable come true: the End of the Internet, the End of the World as We Know It.

I read Infinite Detail before I was interested in watches. As I was writing this I wondered if there are watches in it because it would make so much sense if there were, but I searched an EPUB of the book and I didn’t see any, only two references to clocks and only one of those was specific about what kind: “And the clock on the microwave is just flashing zeroes. I think we had a power outage.” Missed opportunity!

So, when I think about the watches that I most want to wear, I think I am cosplaying a future that is already here and cosplaying as an extra in that future, not the main character, and not someone with a particular trade or profession, but someone with great taste. :) There might be a hint of dystopia in there too because otherwise why not Apple Watch?

If your watch is a matter of cosplay – and it is for nearly every one of us, few exceptions, don’t be embarrassed – what genre are you playing in if you care to admit it? And what character? It might be that it’s a version of yourself that is pulled to the past or somewhere / sometime else?

The following images were part of a slideshow with the image at the top of the post.

[until-the-brahmin-come-home]

Do you have a version of the Lone Wanderer? Feel free to infodump.

Aw, you guys are spoiling me :D

My lone wanderer is Samael Rafferty (and yes, they did change their first name to be edgy)

once again, the image was made from Bright’s Picrew Hell by @/Brightgoat. The horns here are an exaggeration - while they do start to grow horns after the water purifier, they’re pretty small.

Sam is...a lot. They’re standoffish and rude (2 CH), but they’ll help anyone who needs it. They mostly want to just be left alone, but they can’t not help people. They were a mechanic in the vault, and used this to get into places they shouldn’t with the excuse of needing to repair things. Their childhood in the vault is a bit of a haze, as they struggled with dysphoria, mental health issues, and a populace that they just did not get along with. Leaving the vault was the best thing that could have happened to them.

They’re difficult to get close to but extremely ride-or-die for the people they care about. They’re good with kids, animals, and robots, but pretty much everyone else is a no-go. They get the Almost Perfect perk towards the end of the game, which really messes with their head. They use melee weapons because they don’t like the distance guns create and how loud they are. Their main is a deathclaw gauntlet they’ve named Judgement, with 2:13 written on it (Referencing James 2:13, ”For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment”). They also wield swords sometimes. They’re a mutant psychic vampire cyborg and a big fan of body modification.

After the events of 3 they fuck around the capital wasteland for a bit, raising their two adoptive daughters (Marie from The Pitt and Raziel (an oc enclave psyker experiment). After the events of fnv, Sam starts getting weird dreams about a beacon of light in a desert to the west, and take the spaceship (along with their daughters, pets, robots, and supplies) over to the Mojave. There they meet the Courier, the two get along well, and Sam becomes one of their inner circle.

More miscellaneous stuff under the cut

-Tattoos include an ouroborous encircling a halved apple, a deathclaw, radroaches and other insects, a possum skull w/red poppies in the eyes, centipedes over their top surgery scars, alpha and omega symbol on the back of their hands, left knuckle tattoos of the alchemical symbols for water/fire/earth/air, right knuckle tattoos of swords/cups/wands/pentacles, card suits under their eyes, 21:6 on their wrist, scythe with the blade aligning with their lower ribs, along the spine descending are: radiation, biohazard, electricity/lightning strike, flame, broken test tube, skull and crossbones, exclamation point, left forearm has cracks like broken glass with eyes peering through while the right has thorny plants, spider behind their ear, golden spiral, various quest-related tattoos (ex. Ufo, tree, ant spiral), and more that i haven’t detailed out. They have very little uninked skin at this point lol

-Moira is one of the few people they actually like

-Traveled almost exclusively with Dogmeat. They hung out w Butch in Rivet City but didn’t really go anywhere with him. Not sure about Charon because his whole deal is deeply uncomfortable to me and I still haven’t figured out how to handle it, but they probably did travel together at some point. Fawkes is chill.

-They sacrifice themself in the water purifier because they have some suicidal tendencies and feel like they must do it because both of their parents died for this; they weren’t expecting to live past their twenties, even in the vault. They’re doing a lot better now.

-Never take a job without payment, but what they count as payment can vary wildly (they once dealt with some raiders in return for a kitten)(they name the kitten Fishbone)

-5’ 3”

-left handed ambidextrous, which makes using the pipboy annoying

-They’ve picked up a few mutations. As mentioned, they’ve got small horns growing from their forehead, and they have tapetum lucidum (the material in eyes responsible for glowing in the dark), plus their teeth are pointy.

-Raised in a vault + ex-catholic + autism + extremely scientific manner of looking at things + read a lot of very old books + mimicry = the weirdest manner of speaking you’ve ever heard.

-their flip lighter has a moth engraved on it

-at some point they hack an eyebot and name it Pluto

-Hoarder, tends to pick up anything not nailed down. Won’t steal from people who are really struggling or who they like. Tends to only keep the most intact or valuable objects of a certain type and will gift the rest to other people. What they do keep is carefully displayed in their home - it's very much like a museum.

-Horse is named Barbie, short for Harbinger, and was a gift from the Courier.

-They were in love w Amata but that...really didn’t work out

-I have a whole playlist for them but one of the songs I associate the most with them is Honey I'm Home by GHOST; I specifically prefer the Umbra cover, but both versions are good

[desideriumwriter]

Nothing’s Wrong.

Summary: Spencer has a grudge against reader, when she helps him when he’s shot, it doesn’t fix anything. Well, a few other arguments do…and reader showing up to his door.

Pairing: Spencer x Fem!reader

Genre: Angst with a happy ending.

WC: 3.7k

CW: yelling, Spencer being shot, Spencer nearly dying, mentions of death, kidnapping, mentions of SA and murder, barely proofread (like always).

A/N: I used some of the dialogue from a scene in TEOTFW (S2) where James & Alyssa argue in the car, I don’t know if I like this really, anyways I hope you enjoy it!

Masterlist 

• • • • • • •

It’s been seven weeks since Emily died.

Almost 3 weeks of sobbing and crying and being angry, 2 weeks of reminiscing…also crying, and 1 week since you’ve finally come to the sad acceptance that she’s gone.

You went through all the stages of grief and mourning. Spencer was still extremely hurt over it.

Emily was like an older sister to you. You became friends after having a conversation in a store with her on shoes. You also knew Spencer at the same time, you met him in a bookstore.

Spencer however, isn’t handling it well.

He’s been crying at your door ever since it happened. Everytime he talks about how he never got to say goodbye and the good memories he had with her. You would just listen and rub his back, trying to comfort him in any way possible.

One night after he calmed down, you thought maybe talking about something else would help, so he could get his mind off it. But after what happened, he’s probably still in the anger stage of grief.

“Oh, did you hear about my new job? You know, the job. The one I’ve been trying to get for the past year.” You grinned, trying to change the subject so he could focus on something else than his dead friend.

“Don’t you realize Emily is gone?”

“Yes. I just thought you were okay with talking about other things.” Your voice was small.

“You wouldn’t have thought so. You would've known. If you did know you wouldn’t talk about yourself every second!” Your mouth dropped slightly in disgust.

“What? What are you trying to get at?” You were genuinely confused, how did a few sentences cause him to lash out and snap at you?

“Emily is gone, forever! and you’re just talking about yourself!” He stood up from the couch. You copied his movements.

“Spencer, I’ve finally got the job I’ve been working all my life for and I wanted to share what’s been happening at it. I didn’t know it would make you so upset.” 

“Emily is fucking dead!” He screamed at you, you flinched a tiny bit, hearing him swear was terrifying. He has such a soft, sweet voice, hearing it so angry, so frustrated, so loud, it was scary.

“I fucking know that! I know! Have you taken a minute to think I’m hurting too? You’ve come to my door crying for nearly seven weeks now and I’ve been hugging you, holding you, letting you sleep here for comfort. But what have you done? Hm? You haven’t asked once if I was okay. She was family to me too!” You yelled back.

“God, I can't handle you anymore. It’s too much.”

“You can’t handle me? Spencer what the fuck are you saying? We’re friends, y-you’re my best friend.”

“I don’t care. I can’t stand you anymore.” He pushed past you and swiftly walked out the door before you could get another word in, he didn’t even bother to close the door.

You just stood there in shock and bit your cheek, you tried to hold back tears and listened to his footsteps fade out down the hallway.

What the fuck?

• • • • • • •

You haven’t had any interaction with Spencer for three whole years. The day he walked out on you after the argument, you never spoke again.

But last month you saw him, in the worst way possible.

Spencer was shot in the neck last week. You were the one who had to run over and apply pressure to his neck, trying to stop him from bleeding out.

You repeatedly told him to keep his eyes on you as he fell in and out of consciousness. 

McGregor had you tied up on the floor, he took you as a hostage while you were passing by, using you, a random innocent girl, as collateral damage. He was oblivious to your old connection to an FBI agent.

Once he wasn’t looking because he was too busy being in the middle of a shootout, you were able to squeeze your hands out of the ropes and run out the side door. Shots rang out towards you as you ran and a bullet nearly hit your arm.

You felt as if it was your fault, when you escaped, Spencer saw you, ran after you, then got shot. Maybe if you ran a different direction, away from him, maybe if you just stayed put, he wouldn’t have gotten hurt. He wouldn’t have seen you, he wouldn’t have run after you, he wouldn’t have ran across a fucking shootout, he wouldn’t have gotten shot.

You hated Spencer. But he didn’t deserve to die. As he was lifted into the ambulance you looked at your arms covered in his blood. You didn’t blink, your eyes were stuck wide open looking at the red all over.

• • • • • • •

You sobbed in the shower trying to wash the blood that you missed off your arms, Spencer’s blood. Watching it mix within the water and turn into a pinkish shade.

It was going to eat you alive if you didn’t at least attempt to see him.

When you arrived at the hospital, you sat in your car for a while, debating if you should really go inside and see him. What if he was in a coma or critical condition? What if he was dead? Someone would’ve told you, right?

Fuck it, just go and see for yourself.

Once you were able to visit him, you stood at the door and looked through the small glass window, he was talking to an older woman. He caught a small glimpse of you, you saw his face change, his brows furrowed, it wasn’t in a way of disgust or anger, more like confusion and shock. You immediately changed your mind and turned away.

You got in your car and put your key in the ignition. You stalled and didn’t turn it. Once again, thoughts came rushing through your head. 

Maybe he wasn’t angry anymore? Did he forget about what happened? 

No, no, it's impossible to forget. 

Was he appreciative of you? Was he happy to see you? Or just confused? You haven’t seen him in so long, he was just surprised. 

You basically saved his life, he has to be at least a tiny bit appreciating of it. 

Just go back inside. But, that lady might still be there. 

It’ll be awkward seeing him in general. 

Shit.

Again, after sitting in your car for a little over thirty minutes you decided to go back into the building and see Spencer.

You walked quickly down the hallway, you weren’t excited to see him, you weren’t in a rush to see him. You just…needed to see him.

You approached the door and gave it three gentle knocks. You opened it and peeked your head in.

“Hi.” He only gave you a weak nod and straight smile in response.

“Just wanted to see how you’re doing.” You fully walked in.

“I’m alive, you can see that.” You watched him look down at your still blood stained hand, you tugged your sleeve down and took a mental note to try and scrub it off once you got home.

“Yeah. I never thought the next time seeing you was gonna be me trying to stop you from bleeding out.”

“Why are you here?” He sighed.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay, after everything that happened, you know?”

“Well I obviously am.” You nodded in response to his snarky tone. There was an awkward silence.

“Just because you helped me doesn’t mean I'm not angry at you anymore. I’m happy that you did what you did but you didn’t have to come here. You could've stayed home. Okay?” He deadpanned. His attitude made your blood boil, you thought after three whole years he would ease up and let go of the grudge he had against you, but nope. It made you snap.

“You’re right. Fucking forget it, coming here was a huge mistake.” You stormed out the door while Spencer attempted to call out your name.

• • • • • • •

You spent a long night out with your friends at the club, you drank and danced less than them and you got left there alone after they all drunkenly left and got into cabs. You sat at the counter and just observed everyone, couples dancing, the bartenders, people flirting, it was nearly four a.m. by the time you left.

The streets were mostly empty, all taxis were gone or parked with their lights off. You were buzzed but you could walk home, even in heels…

 Maybe not.

“Shit!” You yelled as your ankle rolled and you started to fall towards the concrete, until a set of arms caught you and helped you stand up straight.

“Oh, thank you. I would’ve knocked out my teeth or something if yo-” You paused once you turned and looked at the man in front of you.

It was fucking Spencer.

You pulled away from his grip and smoothed your dress.

“You shouldn’t be out here alone at this time of night, it’s not safe. I can give you a ride home.” He assured you.

“I’m fine, these streets are safe. My place isn’t even that far.” You crossed your arms over your chest.

“I don’t want you being out here, you could get kidnapped, or trafficked, or assaulted, or…just any type of bad thing could happen. I’m just trying to help.”

“You think I don’t know that? I’ve already been kidnapped before, remember? McGregor? I know how to protect myself now.” He practically flinched when you said McGregor's name, bringing back the terrible memory of all that happened that night.

“Listen, I’m working on a case around here, the suspect follows and takes girls that are alone, assaults them, and kills them. I’d rather not tell you all the brutal details. It’s really not good to be out here right now. I don’t want you getting hurt again. So please just accept my offer.” You looked up and down the dark, empty streets. You’d rather get in the car with a man you hated than become a victim to a killer on the loose.

“Shit, fine.” You mumbled and went to the passenger's side of his car. Neither of you said a word.

He didn’t seem angry anymore, maybe a small conversation would be nice.

You began to wonder about the woman you saw in Spencer's hospital room.

“If you don’t mind me asking, who was the woman in the hospital room with you?”

“Her name is Alex.” He said flatly.

“Oh. So, has Alex been helping you do stuff? Cause of your...injury, you know?” You looked at the scar on his neck.

“She left. The night after I got shot.”

“Oh, I'm sorry.”

“How’s your job?” He asked.

“It’s amazing. I thought you didn’t want me to talk about it.” You slumped down in your seat.

“That was a while back. I didn’t mean it.”

“Whatever anyways, do you have the profile on the killer so I know who to watch out for?” He opened his mouth but paused for a minute, then stammered, then just stopped talking. The realization hit you. Your jaw went slightly ajar. Bastard.

“There is no profile, there is no killer. You lied.” You looked over at him, furious.

“I’m not lying! It’s just- we haven’t- we’re not ready to deliver it yet!”

“No! You’re a horrible liar Spencer. If there was a killer on the loose, I would’ve heard about it! I would’ve heard something about dead women found written in newspapers or it would’ve been on the news or being told by one of my neighbors! God why didn’t I realize.” You muttered the last sentence to yourself.

“I didn’t- okay, maybe I did lie. But I did it for the best.”

“What? You lied about a criminal just for me to get in your car?”

“No! I just care about you! You still could’ve gotten attacked! I was just looking out for you!”

“I don’t need you to look out for me! Plus, all of a sudden you care about me? You held a grudge against me for years after one shitty argument! I was able to keep you from bleeding out when you got shot in the fucking neck, when I went to visit and check on you in the hospital you yelled at me! You know, maybe just a simple ‘Thanks for basically saving my life’ would be nice. You hated me but now you want to care about me? Fuck off.”

“You’re right, but I’m truly thankfu-”

“Just drive me home Reid. It’s whatever.” You cut him off, you didn’t want to hear him thanking you only because you pointed it out.

“Can you stop acting like that?” He sighed.

“Acting like what?”

“You can’t just act like nothings wrong when it is!”

“Nothings wrong, everything is in the past, you never said thank you or sorry, so what? It’s in the past now. I don’t want you to say any of it now.” He went silent again. Until, you had to stop at the train tracks and wait for a train to pass.

"Please can you let me say sorry?" He sighed and broke the silence.

“Okay…I said okay.” You looked over to him, his jaw was clenched and hands were gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white. He stayed silent.

“Say it! Go on, say sorry. Say sorry, and then I can say it's okay, and everything's all right. That's what you want, isn't it?”

That’s the thing, that is exactly what Spencer wanted, but he knew that wouldn’t change anything.

“No. It's not ok. It's just how it is.” He said blankly.

“What's that supposed to mean?” You scrunched up your face.

“It wasn't just you…who had a bad time.”

“It's not a competition.” You crossed your arms over your chest.

“I nearly died.” He said sternly.

“Oh, apparently it is.” You huffed out and rolled your eyes.

“I nearly died!” He screamed, you didn’t have any physical reaction, no flinching, no jumping, not even blinking. At this point, you were used to him yelling at you.

“I know. I was there.” You tried to hide your hurt, the memory of him almost dying in your hands stung like a bitch.

“I'm not the answer, Spencer.” You said quietly.

“I know.” He nodded. The train finally had passed and he was able to start driving again.

The drive home was silent. Neither of you looked at each other or even made a sound once. You stared out the window, watching the bright city lights pass by.

He reached your apartment after what felt like hours of sitting there in silence.

“Thanks for the ride.” You said as you opened the car door.

“Yep.” He stared straight in front of him, refusing to make eye contact.

You closed the car door and walked inside your apartment complex.

• • • • • • •

It’s been four months since you’ve seen Spencer. You were expecting the months to turn into years like last time, but when you were driving one night you saw him walking down the sidewalk in the rain. He had his cardigan pulled over his head to cover him from the rain.

You pulled over near the sidewalk and rolled down your window. Maybe this time, you could fix everything. No arguing this time.

“It’s freezing out here and it’s raining, do you want a ride?” You shouted over the loud sound of falling rain.

“y/n?- I’m fine.” He squinted at you but when he realized who it was, his tone of voice changed completely.

“All you’ve got is that cardigan on and you're carrying that heavy ass satchel. So, do you want a ride?”

“Fine.” He sighed angrily.

The only thing Spencer said when he got in the car was “Thank you.” It was painfully silent after that…until you got stuck in the middle of late night traffic.

You fiddled around with the radio, trying to find a station playing decent music, but there was none so you just chose the one with ads playing. Eventually you turned it off, it didn’t help anything, even with noise in the background the stress of Spencer being quiet overpowered it. The rain hitting the car and the honking of angry drivers did nothing to help.

The silence was too painful so you decided to finally break it.

“Haven’t seen you in four months.” You tapped your fingers on the wheel.

“I know.”

“Anything cool happen while catching killers?”

“Nope.” He had a bit of attitude in his voice.

“What’s with the tone? You get shot again or something?” You joked.

“No.” He tried to hold back a smile but failed and ended up chuckling a little bit, which made you smile.

Cars started moving, the tension between you and him had decreased, everything felt okay. Maybe he didn’t hate you anymore.

“How’s everything been for you since you left?” His attitude immediately changed back to his snarky one. You furrowed your brows.

“You were the one who walked out, not me.” You clenched your jaw.

“I never walked out.”

“Yes, you did. After the argument three. years. ago. You basically pushed me away when I went to check on you in the hospital, you also screamed at me in the car last time.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like that. You still walked out also.” 

“You basically pushed me away- whatever, Emily’s alive, that’s good.” You took a long pause in the middle of your sentence.

“I know that, I’m not stupid, she joined the team for a while until she started working for Interpol.” Spencer's bitchy attitude was killing you.

“Why are you acting like such an asshole? Just a few months ago you were acting kind to me. What the fuck happened?”

“You. You happened.” He spat.

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah. You ruined it. I was trying to be nice and fix us after everything that happened but you just had to be a…a bitch!”

“A bitch? This is all my fault? You made what happened to both of us at the bar shootout a competition! For fucks sake, I ran across a line of bullets to save your ass, I visited you at the fucking hospital to check if you were okay, I still hated you, but I wanted to make sure you were okay. I don’t have an eidetic memory but I know damn well not once you asked if I was.” You ranted.

“You didn’t have to do that, you could've ran the other way and saved yourself. I didn’t need your help.”

“Are you kidding- Spencer, you would’ve bled out!” You were shocked that he didn’t want you to help him, you hated him but you didn’t want him dead.

“Alex was there, so was the rest of the team, anyone could’ve helped me.” You opened your mouth to say something but stopped. What was the point of fighting anymore, you were just beating a dead horse.

“Why are we still fighting?” You sighed.

“I…I don’t know.” His voice was small.

“It’s funny, we’re in the same situation as last time we were in a car together.” You scoffed out a laugh.

“What situation?”

“Last time, you offered me a ride, now I offered you a ride, and now we’re arguing with each other again. Ironic, huh?”

“Time is a flat circle, I guess.” He shrugged.

Thank God you were pulling into his apartment complex parking lot after his last sentence. The tension had fallen again anyway.

“Night Spence.” He gave you a simple “Thanks” and ran into the building, trying to escape the rain.

• • • • • • •

Though everything went somewhat better than the first time in the car with Spencer, nothing felt fixed, and it was bothering you.

You were having a terrible day already. You spilled coffee on yourself…twice, knocked over an entire stack of papers you just organized, got screamed at and humiliated by a customer in front of everyone in the room, you fell on the sidewalk and your hands got all scraped up. All the little things piling up made you get closer and closer to crying your eyes out. Thinking of Spencer did not help one bit.

Everything today was reminding you of him, the bookstore you drove past on the way to work, the smell of fresh coffee in the office, the paintings on the walls, the music playing on the radio, the sound of harsh wind outside, somehow everything connected back to him.

Just Spencer, Spencer, Spencer, Spencer.

You couldn’t stand one more second of having him stuck in your head, you were going to break if he didn’t leave your mind.

As soon as work was over for you, you went right over to Spencer’s apartment. You only knocked twice on his door.

He opened it with a frustrated expression which quickly turned into concern when he fully saw your face.

“y/n? What happened?”

“I’ve had a long day.” That’s all you said. You bit down on your bottom lip while trying to fight back the tears threatening to spill.

“Oh, okay, can you come inside if you want.” He unlocked the chain and opened the door fully.

You did and sat down on the couch with your eyes focused on your hands glued together.

“Do you want something to drink? Tea? Coffee? Water?” You shook your head to every offer, not looking up once.

“Okay, um…do you want to tell me what’s going on?” He sat down next to you.

“Everything is so fucking weird and tense between us, and I hate it. I want it gone.” You blurted out to him.

“I know. I can admit that…I- I want it gone too.” 

“I miss you, Spence. God, I fucking miss you. I miss you so much to the point it hurts. And, I’m exhausted…of everything, hating you and fighting. I don’t want to argue anymore.” You spewed out again while you looked him right in the eyes, even though you were about to start sobbing.

“y/n…” You could tell he had to take a minute to figure out what to say.

“I…am so sorry for everything. I was a complete and utter asshole, I didn’t want it to seem like I was jealous or angry about your success. I don’t cope with big changes well but that’s not an excuse for how I acted. I was such an asshole and I was stuck up in myself. You didn’t deserve any of that. I’m so sorry, y/n.” He sputtered out. You gave a small shaky sigh of relief.

“All I wanted to hear was for you to say sorry.” You couldn’t fight back tears anymore, they started streaming down your face as you hugged him tightly.

“I’m so sorry, I love you.” He mumbled into your hair.

“I love you too, Spencer.”

“No, I mean, I love you.” He pulled out of the hug and cupped his hands around your face.

“I know. I do too.” You smiled.