#also kind of off if age within reason lol

[paunchsalazar]

Fire Emblem Awakening families in my play through…

[celestie0]

gojo satoru x reader | college au [18+]

kickoff ch.9 words you've been wanting to hear

ᰔ pairing. college au - soccer player! gojo x film major! reader (f)

ᰔ summary. gojo satoru is the most popular guy on your college campus. he's tall, funny, hot, not to mention he's the most talented soccer forward the school has seen in years. but he's also a frat dude, which puts him in a world very different from your own, as he spends most of his nights partying & drinking while you spend most of yours working on your annoying film major assignments. but when he reaches out to you for a favor, you realize that helping him out might have something in it for you too.

ᰔ warnings/tags. 18+, fluff, angst, smut, college au, fraternities, sororities, partying, drinking/alcohol, romance, jealousy, pining, slow burn, opposites to lovers, friends to lovers, she falls first he falls harder, gojo being an idiot, marijuana use, sexism, sexual harassment (verbal only)

ᰔ chapter. 9/x (probably 12)

ᰔ words. 15.6k (WHY DO THEY KEEP GETTING LONGER)

a/n. HELLO MY DEAR KICKOFF READERS IVE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH i am soooo sorry for the wait on this one. this chapter felt very vulnerable to write for some reason lmfao, but i really hope it was worth the wait :''') see you at the bottom!! if there are typos or some things don't make sense i'm so sorry i literally gave up on proofreading this i just ended up raw-doggin it and then posting it

nav. ch1 :: ch2 :: ch3 :: ch4 :: ch5 :: ch6 :: ch7 :: ch8 :: ch9 :: ch10 (pending)

☾·̩͙꙳ moodboard no.1

♬.*ﾟplaylist

an additional author's note. hellooo ellie here. there are some additional warnings/tags for this chapter, i added them to the tags above, so if you know you have any sort of triggers, please refer to them before reading! but if you don't have any and don't want to be spoiled ab anything then you can keep reading lol. thank youu <33

--

The restaurant address that Kai sent you was just a ten minute taxi ride away, save for the five minutes you spent trying to evasively maneuver through the hotel lobby in order to avoid running into people you’re not too keen on seeing right now, a list that stacks up to just one person at this moment.

It’s a Korean barbecue place, it’s been ages since you’ve been to one, probably since they’re way too expensive for any sort of outing you could afford these days, but the crisp sizzling sounds of the grills and the savory air has your mouth watering in a way that makes you indifferent to the cost. Anything to get this churning feeling out of your stomach. 

It’s instantly brought to your attention that Hana’s tipsy off of Soju because she’s slid out of the booth the second you emerge to the tablestide, and she’s onto her feet to pull you into a hug. You hug her back.

“I’m ssssoooooooo glad you’re—hic—here,” she says, voice sounding loud near your ear, but her embrace is surprisingly calming to you.

Her face appears flushed when you pull away, and you give her a smile and a kind hold of her elbow. “I’m happy to be here, sorry for coming late, I just decided I wanted to have dinner with you all.”

Minato is pulling on Hana’s arm to get her to sit down, which she finally agrees to, and you glance to the left side of the table where Kai sat, meticulously turning over pieces of meat on the grill. His eyes are on you, and the seat next to him is empty.

“You look nice,” he says, eyes falling to your lap under the table once you’ve taken a seat next to him.

Your eyes fall to your lap as well. “Oh. Thanks. I wasn’t really trying to look any sort of way, though.” Just faded jeans with a few rips & holes you made yourself, way back in high school when that sort of thing was trendy.

“I know,” he says, smirk heard perfectly through his words, “I like that.”

You ignore him, a fleeting thought passing through your head of how annoyingly forward men are to women they’ve met within a day, just something you’ve noticed recently, and then you’re accepting the glass of Soju that Minato’s poured for you. Quick to tip it back, you feel a burn on your tongue that’s just enough to distract.

“Today’s game was pretty interesting,” Minato speaks up, picking up a few pieces off the grill with his chop sticks and placing them on Hana’s plate first before taking some for himself. You find the gesture sweet. “The first half was intense.”

Hana nods enthusiastically, elbows rested on the tabletop as she waves her hands around in the air. “Uh huh, uh huh, the boys kicked the ball like whoosh. Goes all over the place! Can’t get a—hic—can’t get a single shot. No, I mean me, I can’t get a camera shot. Not them, they can get the shots of goals. The goals of shots? Huh.”

“Alright, you’ve had enough,” Minato grumbles as he drags the glass of Soju that she was nursing away from her. 

Kai lets out a laugh beside you, his knee bumping against yours under the table. “I’ve watched so many of these soccer games for this job, and I’ve still got no damn clue what the rules are.”

You blink down at your empty plate for a second before grabbing the silver chopsticks laid neatly on your napkin, and taking some food from the center of the table. “Really? I’ve only been to a couple, and I feel like I get the gist of it.” Maybe it’s because you had a personal interest, though.

Kai lets out a low whistle next to you. “Okay, you’re a smartass then.”

You give him a sidewards glance. “Maybe you’re just dumb?” 

Your own words startle you a bit. Minato lets a laugh out, but under his breath, while Hana does absolutely nothing to conceal hers. Kai’s eyes just widen. You bite down on a carrot stick.

“Hey, hey, hey, y/n,” Hana chirps, tapping at your wrist, “do you know any of the soccer players? Utahime said you doooo.”

You swallow slowly to buy yourself time, but give a preliminary shake of your head before answering, “no, not really.” You catch a whiff of the cologne on your wrist when you lift your glass to your lips.

“Oh,” she sulks her shoulders and then sinks down into the booth again, her head falling onto Minato’s shoulder. The man stiffens a bit and then there’s a content smile playing at his lips. A hint of a smile develops on your face too at the sight when you put two and two together. What an adorable little crush. It makes you feel sick.

Kai pours you some more Soju the second you drink down the last of it in your glass, and you nod to him as a thanks. “Pretty sure most of my photos from the first half are fucked,” he says, dragging the opening of the bottle against the rim of your glass before pulling it away, “didn’t realize until way later that my aperture was way off.”

You bring the glass to your lips, inhaling before taking a sip. You’re about to speak up about that when Minato beats you to it.

“Are you serious?” he asks, disappointed, like they’re suddenly talking business now. “I better see some good shots. Your side was where most of the action took place. Like that through-pass, tight behind the defensive line, from Nanami Kento to Gojo Satoru before he sunk it a couple mins before the half ended.”

You choke a little on your Soju at the mention of Gojo’s name, and then all three of them are looking at you. You wave a hand in front of your face. “Sorry.” 

Kai grumbles something under his breath and then stuffs a piece of pork belly into his mouth. “Yeah, whatever, man. I’m pretty sure I got some good ones. Don’t worry.”

Dinner goes on like that, where you count the number of times Kai thinks that someone saying something funny across the table is an excuse to press his thigh against yours, but at least the cute way that Hana and Minato seem to inch closer to one another all night is enough to put you at some sort of bitter ease. But that unsettling feeling in your stomach from a couple of hours ago still lingers.

The four of you stand outside the restaurant, heels rocking back and forth in the cold as you all take up the last chance to debrief the day, and then Minato’s glancing at his watch.

“Alright, it’s probably time to head back. We can all share a ride to the hotel, it’s cheaper that way,” Minato says. Hana’s clinging to his sleeve.

“Oh, uh, I was going to stay here. There’s a cool camera shop around the corner. I was gonna check it out,” Kai says, pointing over his shoulder before glancing at you. “Wanna come? I saw they’ve got used film cameras.”

You twiddle with the hotel key card in your pocket. It’s cheap plastic, could break easily with just the right amount of pressure. Like your resolve right now. “Sure.”

He smiles at you.

“Alright, well I need to get this one back to her room,” Minato says with a sigh, pointing to Hana, “so I’ll see you all at the next game?”

You and Kai nod at him and then watch as he walks away with Hana on his arm towards the curb, pulling his phone out to call for a ride.

“Where’s this camera shop at?” you ask Kai once the silence between the two of you stretches out a little too long. 

“It really is just around the corner,” he says, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. He starts walking down the row of miscellaneous shops and establishments under dim street lighting, and you follow after him before the two of you circle to the adjacent end. A tiny shop in the distance catches your eye. The LED sign above the storefront was blinking sporadically, and read 17th St Camera & Rentals, except half the letters were extinct of any light. Next to it was a 24/7 liquor store.

It’s only when you walk right up to it that you realize the sign dangling behind the glass door that says closed.

“Oh. Bummer,” Kai comments in a flat tone. “I swear it was open before I got to the restaurant.”

You sigh, pulling your phone out to glance at the time. “Yeah, at 8pm? It’s past 10 now.”

He looks at you and taps the camera case still hung at his neck. “That’s fine. I’ve still got a camera to show you, anyways.”

You blink your eyes at him, suddenly feeling a bit exhausted and then glance over your shoulder at the curb of the street to see if Minato & Hana were still there waiting for a ride. You don’t see them anymore. 

A distraction. Wasn’t that what you wanted?

“Yeah, show me.”

Kai seems to know the area better than you, since he walks down the haphazardly lain sheets of concrete across the ground with more confidence than a tourist would. The thought occurs to you that maybe the newsletter photographers have eaten here before during their time in Kyoto.

“What made you start working with the newsletter?” you ask, glancing at him as the two of you walk down further, into what seems like a neighborhood.

He shrugs. “First job I could find out of college. I had a lot of freelance experience, so I’m assuming that’s why they hired me.” He nudges your arm with his elbow. “What about you?”

“I’ve known Utahime for a while. She was impressed with my work.”

“Ahh, connections,” he muses, “smart. That’ll get you far as an artist.”

He suddenly stops walking and peers off to the right, into a darkness that you can’t really make anything out of until you’ve spent a few seconds staring too. He walks in that direction, the loud echoing stomps of his boots on concrete no longer audible once he crosses the threshold onto grass, and you follow behind to what seems like a deserted children’s park. You wish there were more trees in the city. There are a lot here in the countryside, and it makes you homesick for something you’re not even sure of.

A gust of wind brushes through, rattling the set of swings hung on rusty chains. The wood chips underneath your feet feel stale, with no snap to them at all as you follow Kai through the playhouses set up in connected fashion. There are two picnic benches, one looks like it’s been freshly painted with faux effort to improve its image in the line of sight of the street, while the other has red paint peeled back to reveal bronze underneath the moonlight, neglected and tucked behind a few trees. The latter is what he chooses.

He slides into the bench, and he shakes his head when he sees you try to take a seat on the other side before patting at the seat beside him. “It’d be easier for you to take a look at my side.”

He has a point, so you sit next to him instead. Although at this point in the night, you were feigning interest. He zips his camera bag open and you take a better look at the lens. There’s no way it was as cheap as he told you it was.

“There’s no way this was as cheap as you told me it was,” you say.

He laughs, pulling the camera out and handing it to you. “Yeah, maybe the guy cut me a deal since I’ve bought from him before.”

You’re smart enough to put the strap around your neck, even though you’re only holding it a few inches above the table, because a camera like this deserves the care and respect. The material is minimalist and sleek, and it’s heavy in your hands. You click the shutter button, screen coming to life with a few mechanic chirps. “Woah. Is it LCD or OLED?”

“LCD.”

“That’s nice,” you say, “paying for the OLED just seems silly to me.”

“I concur, Canon. Color accuracy is king.”

He shuffles to pull something out of his pocket while you continue to inspect the camera in your hands, and you see him fidget with said thing over the table in the corner of your eye. The flick of something and the light of something makes you turn your head to face him, and he’s pinching the end of a joint to his mouth, lighting the other end.

He gives you a glance when you stare for too long, inhaling from it before pulling it from his mouth. “What?” You can see the smoke leave his mouth in the chill of the air.

“Is that why you chose the secluded bench?”

“I did? Didn’t even notice.”

You blink at him, and he places his elbow on the table to lean closer to you. 

“Do you mind it?” he asks.

“No, not really.”

“Wanna smoke with me?” Two fingers pinching the origin of smoke tilt towards you. “This is my good weed, though, so, I charge by the drag.”

“That’s ridiculous, and no thanks. It doesn’t suit me.”

He lets out a laugh, releasing whatever tension he was building in your space, and the smell of weed is nauseating, but at least it's a new sensation to you.

“You’ve gotta be the only film major on the planet that doesn’t smoke weed. How do you manage?” he asks, the orange flicker of his joint being the only color you can distinctly see under the similarly flickering street lights. 

Your finger traces the rim of the camera lens and is careful to not smudge the glass. “I think I manage just fine.”

“Yeah. With delusion,” he says, coughing, scattering smoke into the air this time instead of a clean blow.

You turn a bit in your seat to face him more, placing the camera down. “You’re extremely blunt.”

His eyebrow raises in amusement and you close your eyes with annoyance at the pun. You brush it off.

“I mean, seriously, I get you’re probably just looking out for me, I guess. I appreciate that. But do you really think my dreams of becoming a filmmaker are that far-fetched?” you ask. There’s a crack to your voice at the end that you didn’t like.

He sighs, setting his wrist down on the table. There’s a long pause where he thinks about what to say. Probably the most you’ve seen him consider what words leave his mouth next. “I was in the same shoes as you, y/n. A couple years ago. I, too, had big dreams of making movies. I was going to apply to film grad school as well, although you’re shooting higher than I was at the time. There’s no way I would’ve gotten into UTokyo’s.” He tilts his head to the side a few times while looking straight off ahead. “I sent scripts in everywhere. To every fucking production company, creative agency, you name it. Never got a callback, not even once. While all my fellow grads were landing decent, respectable jobs.” He brings the joint to his mouth again, but he doesn’t inhale, just bitterly bites it. “I could’ve went on like that, but,” his brow furrows, “I’ve seen my peers torture themselves for years for those dreams of theirs. I swore I wouldn’t be one of them. Because they’re all delusional fucks.” He finally glances at you. “Are you one, too?”

Your shoulders drop a little and your lips purse. “I don’t know yet. It’s too early to say.” 

“It’s never too early to say, if the outcome is all the same,” he tells you. 

You consider his words for a moment. It’s the easy way out. You should consider yourself lucky. Everyone wants a reason, a sign, to turn away from the one thing they’re scared to think about. And here he was, giving that to you on a silver platter.

But if what you wanted was really all that fragile, then it means there’s nothing to show for any of it. For all the effort it took you to get here, and all the effort you’re still willing to give. 

“I’ll keep going until I fail,” you say, “or until I succeed.” It’s not really something you say for him, but for yourself.

He juts his bottom lip out and raises his eyebrows, slowly nodding his head, like he’s impressed by you. But his posture remains lax. “I mean, you’re working this job. You’ve got some sort of plan, at least. It’s not like I’m your parent to tell you what to do and what not to do.” He finally takes another drag, eyebrows pinching together at the same time his fingers pinch close to the burn of his joint to pull it away. “What’s that one saying? You can take a horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink.”

“Wow. You don’t sound a day older than sixty-five.”

He smirks at you. “You’ve got a lot of attitude, Canon. Where does it come from?”

You sink a little in your seat, turning away from him to look down at your hands that were still messing with the features of his camera. “My annoying feelings lately.”

“Feelings about what?”

You consider telling the truth. But you don’t. “My car is in repair and I’m not sure I can afford to pay for the bill, since things keep coming up with it.” It was the thing at the top of your mind at the moment though, for some reason, so partially truthful.

He laughs. “Yeah, cars have a way of doing that when you’re finally getting caught up on bills.”

“At what point does spontaneously picking up random, obscure jobs go from omg I’m so excited to have this opportunity to I just need the money?” you ask.

“You mean you’re not already at that point yet?” he says with a scoff. “Soon, then.”

You sigh.

“Y’know I used to work at this lousy cinema a few miles away from Central,” he tells you, hand tapping the table with a rhythm that makes no sense. “Busted my ass working minimum wage on night shifts because I thought I’d catch a big break in conversation with a director, as if Martin Fucking Scorcese would choose to host his opening night at a random Edwards in Tokyo.” His tapping on the table stops. “Tell me that isn’t pathetic as hell.”

“That’s pathetic as hell.”

“The things you’ll do for money,” he says with a sigh. He sounds detached, like it’s really just a message for you.

You lick your lips, skin feeling dry from the wind that occasionally brushes by, and when you glance at Kai again, there’s a grit to his jaw.

“Should’ve been born as one of those damn college athletes,” he grumbles, sucking in fast through the joint that was close to withering away. “Those fuckers don’t pay tuition.”

The harsh colors of the soccer team’s color-coded practice schedule on your phone are visible when you blink, as well as the exhaustion under Gojo’s eyes in the warm lighting of the hotel lobby earlier tonight. “They work hard.”

He looks at you. “I work hard, too.”

Your shoulders tense. “I’m sure.”

“You work hard as well.” Just to include you.

“Yeah.”

“I mean, you can’t tell me that it’s fair.”

Your mind wanders to some of the people you’ve met on that team, who have been nice to you. You think of Gojo, and the memory of him makes you wish you were with him right now. Despite everything.

“I guess it’s not fair,” is all you say, a tactic to diffuse the conversation, one that you’ve had to use twice with him today. The sound of the swing chains clinking together from the wind in the distance runs a chill down your spine.

You feel heavy in your chest, and you glance at the joint pinched in between Kai’s fingers. He’s not keeping an eye on it, so it’s easy to steal, and you bring it to your lips before sucking in. You instantly let out a few coughs. He’s looking at you with surprise. And you’re still in desperate need of that distraction you’ve been craving.

“How long does it take for it to kick in?” you ask, coughing again and pressing a hand to your chest.

“Super long when you can barely stomach a single drag.”

You try again. He watches you. You swear you feel a buzz this time, and you hand the joint back to him. You feel like you’re having an out-of-body experience.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Good,” you tell him, “really good.”

“That’s gotta be placebo, Canon.”

“No, really,” you sigh it. Even if it was, maybe your mind was just blessing you with a single moment of reprieve. “I feel…really good,” you say with your head in a haze. “Best I’ve…” you don’t know why you have to blink back tears, “best I’ve felt this whole week.”

Kai’s silent next to you. You look over at him, and he’s got a scrutinizing expression on his face. His eyes are glazed. “You seeing anyone right now, Canon?”

It’s the savory question you know has been on the tip of his tongue. Ignorantly asked, as if you would’ve been sitting here with him right now in the dead of night if the answer was yes. 

“No.”

He’s leaning towards you, and you’re dazed and also sleepy. His face is close now, there’s an urge to giggle, which means there’s no way this is all just placebo, and when his lips dip towards yours, you’re conscious enough to push him away by a weakly fisted hand pressed to his collarbone.

“Oh. I. Um,” you stutter.

“What?” he asks, eyebrow raised, still close to you.

“No. No thanks.” Because it felt wrong. 

He fully pulls away from you, and runs a hand through his hair, a deep sigh leaving him. “Alright.”

You’re breathing faster now, surroundings feeling vague, like you’re in sweltering heat but the air only bites cold.

You stand up suddenly. “I…I want to go back.”

“Go back where?”

“To the hotel. To my room.” You pause. “I mean, by myself. Not with you. We can share a ride, though.”

He stands up too, hands reaching for you, gripping the straps of his camera still hung around your neck and he pulls it off to place it back into the case. You feel like you’ve lost favor with him somehow. “Okay. Sure.” 

“But not with you.” You felt the need to clarify again.

“I get it, Canon. It’s fine.”

—

“Maybe you just need to fuck him aggressively without mercy.”

“I beg your finest pardon?”

You’re sitting in a booth inside this streetside KFC with Mina sitting across the table, waving a fry around in the air, and with Nobara next to you as she tries to open a packet of ketchup with her teeth. The hangout the three of you have been hyping up all week, just to be sat in the same place you always go to. You were about to take a bite out of your sandwich, but you set it back down on your tray.

Mina points the fry at you and shrugs. “I’m saying. Maybe you’re having such a hard time getting over Gojo because you got so close to fucking him in that bathroom, but you didn’t, and now you’re in, like, this constant state of edging.” She bites down on the fry. “The clit knows what the heart doesn’t.”

“Your theories never fail to amaze me,” you mumble, sinking further into the booth. 

“Perhaps it’ll take the edge off.” Mina sucks through the straw of her Diet coke. Nobara finally succeeds in opening her packet of ketchup.

“I doubt it. Besides, I technically already gave him an invitation to,” you say, fingers rubbing at your eye with a swipe as you wince from the memory, “and he rejected me, so, still swimming in the self hatred from that one.”

Mina hums. “There’s no way he’s not foaming at the mouth for it, y/n. Men never let a meal they were craving go unfinished,” she states, dramatically stabbing a chicken nugget with a fork.

“What kind of pigs do you guys associate yourselves with?” Nobara asks. She’s a lesbian, by the way.

“I raise another question. Why are we talking about this in a public restaurant?” you offer.

“Listen, babes,” Mina continues, like your words fall on deaf ears because she’s got some point to make, “it’ll either poof. Make your feelings go away like the drop of a hat because you find out he’s a bad lay. Or it’ll be so good that you realize you’re never getting over him and you’ll be thinking of his dick instead of your husband’s on your wedding night.”

“We’re. In. A. Public. Restaurant.”

Mina steals a biscuit from your tray. “If it ends up being the first outcome, then the whole thing was my idea. If it’s the second…then just know that Nobara has steered you wrong.”

“Why the hell do you have to drag me into this?” Nobara asks.

You’re about to take a bite from your sandwich again when you’re interrupted by the buzzing of your phone in your purse. You pull it out and glance at the caller ID, then let out a sigh.

“Sorry, I have to take this,” you mumble, slipping out of the booth and towards the restaurant’s exit, pushing the tense door open with a gust of fresh air brushed through you.

“Hello?” It’s the car repair man. “Really? I thought you said it was fixed.” Apparently something else came up. “Okay…how much longer will it be in repair?” Much longer than you had thought. “And how much will it cost?” Much more expensive than you had thought. “I don’t know what to say. I mean, really, I feel as though every time I’m on the line with you all, I have to wait longer to get my car back, and the bill just racks up higher.” They’re trying their best. “I know. Is it necessary to fix in order to drive, though?” State laws require it. “Okay…thanks for the update.” And then you hang up without another word, and with all the frustration in the world.

You head back inside and grumble about your car woes to Mina and Nobara, who try their best to respond with interest.

“Why can’t your insurance cover it?” Mina asks.

“Apparently they can’t claim it’s because of those rocks I drove over,” you sigh, “since it looks like it’s been a problem for longer than that.”

“Can you afford it?” Nobara asks.

“Not really,” you say. “I’ll just have to postpone having my car for a bit.”

You sigh with a glance out the window of this fine dining establishment, into the blue skies just beyond, head drowning out the voices of Mina and Nobara as they continue to grill you about all sorts of questions that you don’t have the energy to answer right now. You had another student loan payment to make once you got home today, and just the thought of it makes your heart drop a little. And you realize you just can’t afford to be picky about your financial situation anymore.

—

“Thanks for helping me out with this,” you say, footsteps over familiar grassy hills as you head towards the UTokyo’s practice field, your digital Canon EOS hanging from your neck. 

“Sure,” Kai says as he keeps pace next to you, “why the sudden mission, though?”

You’re gazing off straight ahead, a nervous pit in your stomach since it’s been a while since you’ve walked across this landscape towards the field. 

“I just feel like I need to diversify my income somehow,” you sigh, the buzzwords leaving a bitter taste in your mouth as you say them but it was the reality of your situation, “to make ends meet. When you mentioned freelance work during our conversation last week, it made me think it’s time for me to pick that up too.”

Kai hums. “Yeah, it’s a good plan. I’ll try to show you what I know.”

Once you’ve made it to the top of that hill, the one that oversees the field, your eyes instantly scan the field for familiar silhouettes, and your breath catches in your throat when you spot Gojo passively kicking a ball back and forth between one of his teammates for warm-ups.

It’s the second time you’ve seen him since that argument the two of you had in the hotel lobby, the first being at the post-game conference in which you did everything in your power to swiftly avoid him, and you plan on keeping that up. There’s also an urge to run away, but you’re starting to realize that’s not much of an option anymore.

“Honestly, you don’t really need to worry too much about shutter speed with freelance like you do for shooting sports,” Kai is mumbling next to you as he messes with the settings on his camera, the two of you making your way down the hill towards the field, and you’re not really listening because your eyes are on Gojo, who’s yelling something across the field to his teammates with a look of concentration on his face.

“Uh huh, I see,” you say. You see Kai glance at you in his periphery.

“You again!” you hear a familiar harsh voice call out, and you turn on your heel to face Coach Yaga who’s standing a few feet away in his custom UTokyo tracksuit with his arms crossed against his chest. “Why are you on my field?”

You hold your breath for a second. “Hi, Coach Yaga, so sorry, but I’m just here to take some more photos.”

He lets out one of his hmphs, unrelenting. “You’re a distraction. Get off my field.”

“D-Distraction?”

“Coach!” Suddenly, Geto’s in your line of sight as he emerges with a light jog up to your side. “You should really be nicer to our photographers, they give us a lot of publicity for our games. And publicity means funding.”

Coach Yaga narrows his eyes. “I need all my players focused right now. Even during practice.” He gives you a disapproving glance and you’re still confused, but also weirdly angered.

“Excuse me, Coach Yaga, but last time I checked, this field is technically open for all students. And I’m a student,” you say to him, crossing your arms across your chest now. “So, I can be here if I want.”

You have no idea if that’s true at all, but sometimes you’ve just gotta fake it ‘til you make it.

Coach Yaga grumbles something and then waves his hands in the air. “Fine! I’ve no bandwidth to argue about this anymore! Just don’t distract my players.”

You’re shocked that it worked, and Geto nudges you with an elbow to correct your expression so that Coach Yaga doesn’t catch on to the bullshit you just spewed. 

“Are you here to take some photos?” Geto asks, facing you. He’s got his hands on his hips, breathing slightly fast, some of his hair falling onto his forehead. 

“Yeah, I am, just for practice though. I’m here with—” you glance at Kai, who’s standing with his fists shoved into his pockets, “Kai. He’s also with the newsletter.”

There’s a moment where Geto studies the two of you for a second before speaking. “I know,” he says, extending his hand out for Kai to shake, which he does, “I think I’ve seen you around. Not sure if we’ve formally met, but it’s nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, likewise.” Kai’s hand is then shoved back into his pocket.

You feel awkward suddenly, and then quickly say something to Geto about how he should probably get back to practice, which he agrees to, and then you’re standing at the chalk sideline with Kai as he shows you the ins and outs about digital photography.

“Have you tried shooting in burst mode?” he asks, switching the feature on your camera and then handing it back to you. You sling the strap around your neck.

“Hm…” you start, pointing your camera across the expanse of the field to multiple areas. The trees off into the distance, the goal posts, Coach Yaga’s yapping Pomeranian. “Not really…” The grass beneath your feet, the sky above your head, and then blurrily focused before settling on Gojo who stood in the distance straight ahead.

You see through your viewfinder that he’s caught sight of you too, a look of surprise on his face seen only by the level of zoom, and you glance up from the screen to make eye contact with him in reality. He’s fully staring at you, and you can barely see the way his expression relaxes from that one of athletic concentration to something wistful and strange that you’ve had a hard time reading lately.

“Canon? Are you even listening?”

“Huh?” you snap out of it and look at Kai. “Sorry. Could you repeat that?” You quickly glance toward Gojo again, and his line of sight points towards Kai now.

“I was asking if you’ve tried panning before,” he says, reaching for your camera, pulling it towards him, but the strap around your neck means you’re pulled closer to him too. 

“Satoru!” Coach Yaga yells in the distance. “Eyes on the ball!” 

“Just got to set your camera to manual mode first,” Kai mutters, confusion in his voice. “Where the fuck is it?” He’s turning your camera in his hands, which only has you stumbling with another small step towards him, your chest pressed flush to his arm, and he looks down at you for a brief second with a smirk on his face.

You hear the sound of a ball being kicked on the field, followed by the shout of one of the players.

“Ah, here, found it,” Kai says, handing your camera back to you, and just as you’re about to say thanks and you hold your camera up, you’re hit straight in the face by a flying object and fall backwards onto the grass with a painful thud.

What the fuck?

Where are you?

Who are you?

Okay, that’s dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.

There’s shouting in the distance as you hold your head with a groan, eyes shut tight with images of your life flashing behind your eyelids, and when you open your eyes again from where you’re sat up on the grass, you’re surrounded by soccer players.

Gojo’s suddenly in your line of sight, knelt down beside you and he’s holding your shoulders, trying to get you to look at him but you’re still blinking away the stars you’re seeing. “Fuck, y/n, are you okay?” he asks, and you register the concern on his face.

“Dude,” one of his teammates kicks the heel of his cleat, “where the fuck were you looking? It was clear as day I was tryna pass to you.”

Gojo grumbles something to him, his brow furrowed, and he’s lowering his head to try to make eye-level contact with you but you’re still holding your head with a wince.

“Oh shit,” Kai comments, “she’s bleeding.”

You pull your hand from your face to glance down at the wetness that you feel, and bright red color stains the tips of your fingers.

The next thing you register is Gojo picking you up off the hard grassy ground into his arms, and starts carrying you away down the field.

“W-What the hell are you doing?” you ask, his pacing across the grass is fast and you have to wrap your arms around his neck to keep from getting dizzy.

“I’m taking you to the hospital,” he says, voice strained in his throat, and you’ve never seen him look so worried before. 

“The hospital?! Please don’t, I don’t have health insurance right now.” His face is so close and you’re distracted from the pain of your headache.

“You’re bleeding on the face, I’m taking you whether you like it or not,” he grumbles.

You dig your nails into his shoulder through the nylon of his shirt, and he hisses from the pain before stopping in his tracks. “I don’t need to go to the hospital, Satoru, I just need a fucking bandaid.”

“You could have a concussion.”

“A concussion?!” You kick your feet for him to let you down but his grip on you only tightens. “You’re being ridiculous. Let me go, or I’ll bite you.”

He scoffs at that and continues walking forward. “You’re gonna bite me? That’s the most threatening thing you could come up with?”

“I’m being so dead serious, Gojo Satoru. No hospital.”

He grumbles something under his breath at your use of his full government name, and then says “fine” but he’s still walking down the grass until his cleats begin to tap on concrete, and then on what sounds like tile as he carries you into a building a few yards from the field.

He seats you on a cold counter, your hand gripping the faucet of a sink, and you finally take a comprehensive look at your surroundings. light blue, faint scent of chlorine in the air

“Is this…a locker room? The men's locker room?”

He sighs, bending his knees a bit to look at your face closely. You flinch when his hand reaches out, and he pauses, but you relax slightly and then he rubs his thumb over your cheek. You feel the smear of a droplet of blood. “Yes. I need running water.” He turns the faucet of the sink on to run his thumb under.

“For what?” you ask. His thumb is running over your cheek again.

“To take care of this cut.” He disappears behind a tile wall for a moment. You can hear metal clanking, probably of a locker opening and closing, and he re-emerges with a first-aid kit.

You slide your butt across the counter to the edge, about to hop off and make a run for it when he grabs your hips and puts you back into place. “Don’t even think about it,” he grumbles. He leans forward, grips you strongly, and you see that he’s still breathing heavily from practice, strands of hair stuck to his forehead with sweat, and you can practically taste the salt on his neck. 

You press your shin to the front of his thigh, desperate to put some space between the two of you. “I don’t wanna be in here. Men are scary.”

“Well I can’t take you into the women’s locker room,” he says, ripping the packet of an antiseptic wipe open with his teeth, “I’d get registered as a sex offender.”

You attempt at an escape again, and he’s quick to get his hands on you to stop it.

“Quit manhandling me, or I’ll scream,” you threaten through gritted teeth, because you’re still mad at him. For everything.

“Go ahead,” he says, using his knee to spread your legs apart, then finds a place to stand between your thighs to get closer to you. “I’ve got a lot of ways I could shut you up.”

You blink at him, breath catching in your throat, and the expression on his face tells you he’s not interested in dealing with your stubbornness anymore.

“Just hold still,” he grumbles, placing the packet down on your thigh and then stepping off to the side to wash his hands under the sink.

“What exactly happened?” you ask, watching him dry his hands off with a few paper towels. One moment, Kai was trying to explain good digital photography to you, and the next you were dizzy from being knocked back onto the ground.

“You got hit by a soccer ball.”

“I know, but how?” You remember your camera hit your face from the impact too, and now you’re worried about it.

“I…wasn’t paying attention when my teammate passed it,” he admits with a sigh, finding his place in front of you again, the knuckles of his clean hand brushing across your cheek, caressing. Your expression softens slightly. He uses a hand spread across the small of your back to push you forward to him, then he gently passes the wipe over your wound.

“Oh okay so, you failed to protect me from a flying soccer ball.” 

He pulls his hand from you to read the lettering on the back of the packet. “I’m patching you up now, aren’t I?” he says, annoyed. “…oh fuck, I was supposed to go in with water first.”

“So glad to be in such good hands right now.” 

He gives you a pointed look, but you ignore it and turn your torso to see your reflection in the mirror for the first time. You had a small wound on your cheek, right over the bone, with some bleeding and it’s wider than it is deep. But when you look at Gojo again, who’s putting some ointment onto a Q-tip now, the look of guilt and worry on his face makes you feel satisfied for some reason, and you wanted to make it worse.

“Does it hurt?” he asks, brow furrowed, applying the cold gel to your cheek.

“Mhm. A lot.” Not really, no.

“Fuck. I’m sorry,” he sighs, head dipping towards you slightly to get a better look, “can you feel this?”

“Ahh, yeah. Ouch. So much.” Barely.

His other hand is placed flat on the counter next to where you’re sitting, and you allow it when his thumb starts to run soothing circles over your hip.

“Hmm…” you start, wide eyes looking up at him as he seems to lean closer and closer to you with every word that leaves your lips, “I really wonder if it’ll leave a scar.”

He looks tortured. His hand that was maneuvering the Q-tip in his hands drops to the counter now, and he brings his other one to your face, cupping your cheek. His eyes dart from the wound, thumb pressing at the plush of your cheek, and this time, it hurts a little so you wince. His expression is tense, some sort of inner turmoil you could read across his forehead, and then his jaw hardens.

“Who was that guy you were talking to earlier?”

You blink a few, then tilt your head slightly. You feel like you’re on a game show, where there’s four options and only one right answer. New boytoy, gay best friend, fuck buddy, or— “He’s my coworker.”

“That’s it?”

“Mhm.”

“Has he tried anything funny with you?” 

You almost roll your eyes. “No, dad, he hasn’t.”

“Woah. Say that again but make it daddy.”

“Hey just a quick question for you. Where do you get the audacity?”

His bent index finger finds a place under your chin, tilting your head up so you’re forced to look at him. “It’s your fault, really. I can’t help it sometimes,” he says, voice lower now. You’re squirming a little, wanting to push him away but his lips get close to your cheek, brushing near your wound, like he wants to make it all better somehow. “I really am sorry,” he whispers, near your ear. There’s a whimper you have to stifle in your throat. He pulls aways just enough to where he can look into your eyes. “A cut…” he starts, thumb now passing over your bottom lip, “on your pretty face.” He sighs. You shouldn’t, but when he prods, you tuck his thumb under your front teeth and your tongue presses slightly against the padded skin of it. He looks like he’s being driven to insanity, and his other hand has no shame at all in pulling you towards him, to seat you at the edge of the counter, and you miss the texture of his thumb on your tongue when he pulls it from your mouth. But it’s so he can dip his head down to kiss you instead.

Of course the sensation of his lips on yours only lasts for a second, because the universe really fucking hates (or loves?) you, so the loud clanking of a metal water bottle against tile interrupts with harsh reverberation throughout the locker room walls, and he pulls away from you when you jump at the sound.

You both turn your heads towards the origin, located at the curved end of the entryway hall, and one of Gojo’s teammates is standing there with his duffle bag slung around his neck and hanging heavily to his thigh, his water bottle clutched in his hand. He blinks at the two of you.

Oh. It’s the one you kissed at that party a few weeks ago.

“What—…Why is there a—” his teammate starts, panicked, turning his head to double check the sign on the locker room wall as if he’s hallucinating, and when his eyes land on you again, they widen with recognition. His gaze shifts, and his chin tips down at the sight of Gojo’s irritated side eye from where he was still all up in your personal space. “…you know what. Nevermind.”

His teammate’s eyes are on you again, and you give him a shy little wave, just a fluttering of your fingers in the air paired with a small smile, legs swinging back and forth under the counter. He lets out an amused scoff from the entryway, lifting his hand to return the gesture, some cheeky grin on his face as he then scratches the back of his head before turning on his heel to leave the locker room, out of sight. You let out a sigh, hand dropping to your lap, and you don’t need to look at Gojo to tell that he’s staring at you with disbelief.

“What the fuck was that—”

“You,” you interrupt him, finger jabbing at the center of his chest, “have seriously got a lot of fucking nerve,” you hop off the counter, “to not only allow a soccer ball to sock me in the face,” he’s taking a step back with every harsh jab of your finger, “but to also hold me hostage in a mens’ locker room,” his back is pressed up against cold tile wall now while he just looks down at you with wide eyes and something akin to fear, “and then, oh my god, the audacity to kiss me?”

“I—”

“I don’t wanna hear it!” you yell, which shuts him up. “You really are just a fucking player.”

He’s stiff, not wanting to catch a punishment from you right now.

“But it doesn’t matter,” you grumble, still drilling your finger into his ribcage with the intent to cause pain. You didn’t need to be this close, but his body is warm, probably due to the blood pumping from practice, and it feels nice to be pressed up against. “Because I don’t have feelings for you anymore, so just fucking get over yourself.” It was a lie if you’ve ever told one, but you wanted to believe it so much that it could come off as the truth.

His eyes narrow down at you, eyebrows flattening. “You don’t have feelings for me anymore?”

“No, I don’t.”

“I don’t believe you.”

You roll your eyes. “Why? Because you want me to keep suffering?”

He grabs your hips, then makes a motion that is evident of his desire to pull you flush to him, but he stops himself. There’s a moment where he just takes a few deep breaths and looks at you with a hardened expression, then a split second where his eyes fall to that little cut on your cheek, and every single feature of his face softens, and then he lets you go.

You take a small step back, breathing heavily of your own, and you feel the ghost sensation of his fingertips wrapped around your hips. It makes you feel dizzy, and your thoughts are a mess. 

He sighs. “Sorry. For the soccer ball, and this locker room. But I’m not really sorry for kissing you, and if that makes me a jerk, then so be it.”

Your heart is beating fast. “You are a jerk, Satoru,” you say. He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t want you. A mantra played over and over in your head that you’ve started to hear it at night. “A real fucking jerk.” And you leave him standing there in a way that feels like the hundredth time.

—

2:34pm kaito (work): yo

2:34pm kaito (work): i had my guy look at your camera

2:35pm kaito (work): it’s pretty fucked up

2:37pm you: :( oh okay isee. does he have an estimate for the fix? the lens is okay though right?

2:39pm kaito (work): yeah lens is fine, you should really count your blessings on that. 

2:40pm kaito (work): but nah, fix would be around the same as the cost of it, so you’re better off getting a new one

2:42pm you: i don’t have thousands of yen laying around unfortunately. my car bill has sucked me dry

2:44pm kaito (work): well let me check with him. maybe he can hook you up with a good deal on a used one

2:45pm kaito (work): i got a 50% off on one of my canon cameras i bought from him a few years back. maybe he’s still got some like that

2:46pm you: yes could you check with him please? thanks so much, really

2:48pm kaito (work): sure. although i think the guy that kicked the ball to your face should be paying for your camera replacement

2:51pm you: they were just practicing. it’s their field

2:56pm kaito (work): alright. btw, you free tonight?

You blink at your phone screen from where you were sprawled across your bed. Before you have a chance to type out a response, your phone lights up with a phone call from kaito (work). You accept the call.

“Oh, hi,” you say.

“Hey, are you free tonight?”

“Oh uhh, I was just about to check my schedule.” You shake your head at your inability to come up with an excuse on the spot.

“Okay,” he says on the other line. You hear the sounds of cars honking in the distance. “Well let me know. I just left my camera guy’s shop, and he was telling me about how one of his friends does visuals for a short-film director, and that the director is looking for an assistant.” Kai grumbles something about someone he walked past being rude. “I think the director’s agency is Verve Films, so.”

You sit up in bed, eyes wide at the mention of the name. “Oh, oh wow. That’s insane.”

“Yup,” he says, “anyways, apparently the director is busy as fuck, so he left the hiring process up to my camera guy’s friend. I told him I knew someone that might be interested. Are you?”

You take a deep breath in and out. “Yeah, I am. Most of my experience on my resume lines up with short-film, so I’d be able to—”

“Alright great,” he interrupts, “so we can hold the interview tonight.”

“We?” you ask.

“Well yeah, me, my camera guy, the hiring guy. Maybe go for drinks or something.”

Your brow furrows. “That hardly sounds like an interview.”

Kai sighs. “Well, it’s not an interview for a desk job or something. It’s more of like—well, like building connections. I know you know all about that, since Utahime got you the newsletter job.”

Well, yes. She put a word in for you, which helped get the interview, but you still went against qualified applicants. “I guess.”

“It’ll be like that. Most opportunities you’ll get if you still want to pursue filmmaking are going to be like that,” he tells you, “if it feels informal, it means you’re doing it right. You might not think so now because you’re still in school, where they practically serve opportunities to students on platters, but it’s going to be different in the real world.”

You lay your head back onto the pillow, feeling like you’re receiving a lecture you didn’t ask for, and your first instinct is to pretend that you know better than he does. But when you think about all the stress recently, all of the not knowing, and the unsure, you question if you should start leaning into the advice of the people around you, and start to accept this career path for what it’s known to be. Unruly, unconventional, and a lot of times, unfair. 

“I see. Well, can I think about it? Tonight is too soon, I’d need time to research the director, put a portfolio together, and also do some interview prep,” you say, pulling your phone from your ear to glance at the time.

“Well, tonight’s the only night that works since their team’s shooting abroad for the weekend and they leave tomorrow morning,” he says.

You purse your lips together.

“But also,” Kai says, “it’s the nice thing to do, y’know, since my camera guy is taking the time to look at your camera for free, you could at least help his friend out. By the way, he just texted me, he does have some used Canons available at discount.”

You close your eyes for a second, just trying to process this conversation right now. Kai was speaking too fast, hardly enough time for you to even think.

“So do you want to do the interview tonight?”

“Yes, sure. Okay. Just— just send me the details. I’ll be there,” you say.

“Alright cool, will do.” 

You say bye, and then he hangs up.

A few hours pass by, where you spend some time putting together a flash drive of a couple of your best short films you’ve worked on in the past with other directors, as well as a portfolio of some recently developed film photography. The last thing to do was grab your emergency stash of print outs of your resume, and then you stuff it all into a folder before glancing at the mirror to take in your reflection. It felt extremely weird to show up to a job interview in something as casual as what you were wearing right now, but Kai insisted to not wear anything business. But at least you opted for jeans that don’t have any DIY holes in them.

Your face is glued to the navigation on your phone screen the second you get out of the taxi, and you walk down the bustling nightlife streets of Tokyo to get to this bar that Kai sent you the address of. But just as you’re about to turn the corner to your destination down the bar strip, you bump into someone’s chest due to lack of paying any proper attention.

“Ah— I’m so sorry,” you say, your grip on your phone tightening when you realize it was about to get knocked out of your hand, and then you look up to see a familiar face.

“Oh!” Geto exclaims from where he’s standing right in front of you, “You’re everywhere, y/n. What are you doing here?”

You open your mouth to speak, hesitate for a second, and then continue. “I’m here to…get drinks with some of my friends.”

He gives you a smile. “That’s nice. I am too.” He points over his shoulder to behind him. “Nanami got into his MBA program earlier this week, so, Satoru, Choso and I are buying him a few rounds. Or possibly a million. The plan is to incapacitate him as punishment for giving up on playing in the national league with us.”

You humor him with a laugh. “That’s sweet. Or not? Well anyway, tell him I said congrats.” Your heart starts to beat a little faster, because from the direction Geto came from, it meant Gojo was likely just around the corner somewhere. “Where are you heading to now?”

“We’re bar hopping, and I think I forgot my phone at the last one we went to over there,” he says, pointing across the street. “So I’m going to go look for it.” 

“Oh alright,” you say. “Good luck with that. I’m going to go find my, uh, my friends.”

Geto tilts his head at you and had a slightly more serious expression on his face, glancing at the folder in your hands. “Thanks. And stay safe.” 

You nod at him and then walk past him to round the corner onto the street that had groups of people loitering in front of restaurants, bars and all sorts of establishments as they wait in the cold to get inside or be seated. You recognize the name on one of the signs hanging as the one Kai sent you in his message, and when you’re a few feet away from it, you spot Kai. He’s wearing his typical street photographer wear, with a red flannel over a gray shirt and pants that are possibly a size too big for him, but that’s likely the style he was going for. He’s standing with two other people.

“Hey,” you greet Kai first, who has a pleasant look on his expression before he greets you back and gestures to the two people he was with.

“Yo, this is Junichi, my camera guy,” he says. “Don’t bother shaking his hand, he’s a germaphobe. Gotta keep ‘em clean for the electronics.”

“Oh,” you say. Junichi is a big man, broad shoulders and thick muscles. His neck is almost as thick as his bicep, and he has no hair on his head. His arms are crossed. “It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for taking a look at my camera.”

He nods at you in acknowledgment. “Sure thing. Pretty Boy here says you want to buy one of my used Canons. I don’t refurbish them, so you’d better know how.”

Kai sighs, nudging Junichi a little with a fist. “Relax, dude, we can talk about that later. Also, stop calling me that.”

Your eyes flicker to the right, where another man stood, who you assume was Junichi’s friend and this Verve Films director’s visual effects specialist. He’s similar in stature to Kai, with that casual artist look, and he has a scuffle of facial hair littering his jaw in less of an intentional fashion but rather a five-o-clock shadow fashion. You vaguely register the scent of weed, familiar to the one that lingers in the photo lab on campus after class hours. He reaches his hand out to you first.

“Hi, I’m Ren. I work in visual effects for director Akira Ko at Verve.”

Your eyes widen as you shake his hand.  “That’s amazing. I’ve studied a lot of his contemporary works, I’d love to learn more about his process.”

Ren lets a fast exhale out through his nose. “Yeah, you’ll learn a lot under him.” He pauses to shove his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “Most of his assistants always do.”

“We’ve been waiting for too damn long,” Kai interjects before you could ask any questions about the assistant position, and he glances at his watch, “and there’s still a lot of people ahead of us.”

You glance around to the small groups of people gathered in front of this bar on a lively Friday night, eyes jumping from one area to the next, until a familiar silhouette catches your eye.

You see Gojo standing with Nanami and Choso a few strides away, near the lamppost. He’s mostly turned away from you, Nanami nudging his arm annoyed at something he said, and the sound of his laughter in the air makes your heart feel like it’s at stray. Like that was where you were supposed to be right now, not here.

You watch him from the distance as he sighs, shrugging his shoulders up and down slightly before crossing his arms when Choso gestures towards the entrance of the bar, and so he looks in that direction too. He’s frowning slightly and he brushes some of the hair fallen over his forehead away from his eyes, in that boyish way that makes your heart skip a beat, and you know he’s just doing it to see a little bit better, but it makes you want to cry. 

Geto walks up to them and rejoins their little circle, and holds his phone up in the air, and then there’s the melody of their voices bouncing off one another’s again. Geto rests his elbow up onto Gojo’s shoulder, leaning in a bit closer to tell him something, and when Gojo hears it, you see his entire body tense before his wide eyes are searching his surroundings, until those eyes land on you.

Your breath catches, and you hold his eye contact for only a moment before you look away, because it almost felt like too much to bear.

“What’s that folder in your hand?” Ren asks you, and you turn completely to face him so you can’t see Gojo in your periphery at all anymore.

“I just brought some of my work, for your—er, I guess Mr. Ko’s—reference if he’d like to see it after today’s…interview,” you say. “There’s a flashdrive, too.”

Ren has an amused look on his face and he shoves Kai’s shoulder with his palm. “Dude, you didn’t tell her?”

Kai shakes his head. “Tell her what?”

“Ohh, I see how it is,” Ren muses.

“What?” Kai asks, starting to sound annoyed.

Ren tips his chin up slightly to study Kai’s face, and then his look of amusement dissipates into one of understanding. “Nothing.”

“Tell me what?” you prod.

“Just that you didn’t really need to bring all of that with you,” he says. “Sorry for the trouble.”

You shake your head. “It’s fine, but if you could still give it to him—”

“I’m surprised Kai suggested someone when I asked if he knew anyone,” Junichi jumps in, “I’m used to him grumbling on and on about how shit the work is in filmmaking. Would’ve thought he’d convinced you to look the other way by now.”

You blink at the gruff man, then look at Kai, and he’s just staring down at the dirt of his shoes. “Well, we had a conversation about it. But I’m pretty set on what I want to do,” you say.

Kai lets out a scoff. “Yeah, I don’t really know how else to warn you about the shit show you’re in for, but if you want to be in debt to grad school for the next couple decades of your life, then it’s up to you.”

“Hey, jackass, try to be a bit nicer,” Ren speaks up. “She’s got some goals. Big fuckin’ deal.” He turns to you. “Although, he’s got a point sweetheart, school’s not going to get you anywhere in this industry.”

You frown. “A lot of directors I look up to went through graduate schooling. Most, I would say. I don’t understand where this rhetoric is coming from.”

“It’s coming from real people with real experience,” Ren says, and you dislike the way he takes a step closer to you to reiterate his point, “honestly, you should save yourself some time and give up on applying. It’s not worth it.”

“I’ve already put my application together,” you say, brow furrowing slightly, “I’ve asked professors for my references, spent the past four years working on my profile—” 

“But working under a director, I mean really getting to work under one, beats all of that. Which is why you’re here, right?” Ren asks, but it’s not curious, it’s testing.

You feel a sheen of sweat build at your forehead, even in this cold, and you clench your hand into a fist once, twice, thrice. You’re breathing fast, and the three sets of eyes that are staring so scrutinizingly into your soul right now have you faltering, like if they took another step forward, tried to intrude what you thought you knew one more time, you’d fall backwards over the cliff.

Suddenly, a hand wraps around your upper arm, and when you turn your head to the left, you see Gojo standing there.

“Hey,” he says to you, sparing one single sidewards glare towards Kai, who immediately averts the eye contact, before Gojo’s eyes are on you again, “can I talk to you for a second?”

You look at the three men in your circle, who suddenly adopt skittish body postures, and Gojo doesn’t really wait longer than a few seconds before he’s pulling you away from them over towards the edge of the curb towards the street.

“What?” you ask once he lets go of your arm.

“What are you doing here with those guys?” he asks.

“I’m—…why does it matter to you?” you ask.

“It matters to me because of the fucking absurd conversation I just overheard,” he says, “now answer me.”

His tone annoys you, and you cross your arms. “Are you eavesdropping?”

“I’m going to ask you one more time,” he says, taking a step forward to you, “who are those guys, and why are you here with them?”

You blink at him, furrowed brows relaxing slightly as you drop your crossed arms to your side, and you stare straight ahead at the blankness of the white t-shirt he’s wearing, as your mind runs blank to his question. Why were you here with them? Was it because you had no other plans? Was it because the opportunity sounded too good to be true, and you just had to see for yourself? Was it because you’ve been unable to sleep at night from all the stress, the financial worries, the rejection, and you just want to finally feel like you’ve done one good thing for yourself? To feel like you’re at least making one step in the right direction, no matter the cost?

“I’m here for a job interview,” you say to him. Your tone is flat, and you feel numb.

“A job interview?” he asks, with just about as much incredulity you would’ve expected to hear from him at that answer, “At a bar? How does that make any sense?”

“It…” you start, “sounded fine.”

“It sounds shady as fuck.”

“This doesn’t concern you, okay? I’m—…I’m just trying to make my goals work for me, Satoru, and I really don’t expect you to understand.”

“Why wouldn’t I understand?” he asks. There’s confusion in his voice, and maybe even a little bit of hurt.

“Because you can’t even understand how unfair and painful it is for me that you keep—” you have to purse your lips together briefly to fight back the knot in your throat, “…that you keep interfering with my life everywhere I go.”

His expression softens, and he silently stands in front of you for a moment. His eyes dart across your face, and then he reaches out to grab your hand. “Listen, if you still want to get drinks tonight, then just get drinks with us. But don’t hang out with those guys. They’re bad news, especially the dude with the flannel, and I don’t think you’re in a good place right now to see that.”

Your eyes see white fury at that, and you all but snap. Because the irony of this whole situation, is that you’re not in a good place right now because of him. Because of all the pain that he’s put you through, for promising to stay away but then always being near, for saying he doesn’t want you but then acting like he does. 

“You know what I think, Satoru?” you ask through gritted teeth, yanking your hand from his grasp.

He’s looking at you, studying. “What?”

You take a step forward, threateningly, and he takes a step back so that he steps off the curb and onto the road, and you’re at eye-level with him now. “I think that you’re jealous,” you say, eyes glaring daggers into his.

He blinks at you, almost dumbfounded for a moment before he says “what?”

“You’re just fucking jealous that I seem to be moving on after you rejected me, because for some weird reason, you think it’s okay to not want me, and yet not want me to be with anyone else,” you say, practically hissing the words. “You don’t like seeing me with any guys other than you? You don’t want to believe me when I say that I’m over you? You’re not sorry for kissing me? Even after knowing,” you take a pause to breathe, because you feel like you can’t, “even after knowing that I like you,” eyes blinking fast because you don’t want him to see you cry right now, “you know that I like you so fucking much, and that it’s hurtful, and that it’s wrong— and even after all of that, you act the same, and still won’t promise me any commitment of your own.”

He’s looking at you with an expression you can’t read, but you’ve lost all interest in trying to understand it anymore.

“You don’t want me hanging out with them?” you repeat after him, “I’m not listening to that. Because it’s possessive. And it’s wrong.”

At the mention of them, Gojo clenches his jaw. “That has nothing to do with you and me, right now. What they’re trying to convince you of doesn’t make any sense, and it won’t help you achieve your dreams either, y/n.”

“You don’t know anything about my dreams, Satoru,” you say, just to hurt him. But you think about the sincere expression on his face the first time you met him when you told him that you wanted his help with your assignment. You think about the playful nudge of his elbow that night he stayed with you on the curb, and told you that you just had to try to put yourself out there, because you couldn’t accomplish anything without facing your fears. You think about how he’s always the first to like every single one of the slideshows you post of your pictures on Instagram. You think about the adoration in his eyes, reflected off the moonlight through the hotel window, when you told him about a little cottage on the countryside, one you’ve always wanted, and those eyes told you that he was really rooting for you. “You don’t know. Because you—” there’s an echo of words in your head. Someone else’s words, not yours, “Because you’re a college athlete. And—” you let out an exhale, “and you don’t pay tuition.”

His brow furrows. There’s a beat of silence as his confusion settles in. “What?”

“You were born blessed with talent, and you’re popular, and people adore you, and you don’t have to worry about internships, or jumping from job to job just to make something of yourself,” you say, picturing your life in your head along with all the strife, “or about all of the sinking debt, and the worry, and the— and the car repair bills,” you say, almost with a scoff, eyes sheening with tears, like you’re losing your mind, “all of the fucking car repair bills.” Your chest is heaving as you shake your head. “Because you’re set for life as long as you kick a fucking ball.” 

His lips purse together, like he can tell there’s more on your tongue to say, more hurtful words, and he wants to hear you say them. And so you do.

“You’ve never had to suffer or worry about a single thing in your life. So don’t pretend like you understand what I’m trying to do here tonight,” you say, inflection signing off on the end, to tell him that you’re done. 

He stands in front of you, practically motionless except for the slow movement of his chest as he breathes. His expression, tense and hurt, softens slowly, and you see him digging his nails into the skin of his palms through fidgeting clenched fists at his sides. And then he relaxes them, too.

“Does that make you feel better?” he asks.

His question confuses you, and for some reason, regret washes over you. “What?”

“Does thinking of me that way—…does it make you feel better about all of this? Between us?”

You’re breathing fast, eyebrows pinching upwards to look at him, and the defeated expression on his face makes your heart ache. He’s waiting for an answer, and so you give him one. “Yes.”

He glances down at the ground for a moment, then at your collarbone, before meeting your gaze again. “I’m sorry. For everything. And I—” the words catch in his throat briefly, “I’ll try to leave you alone tonight.”

His use of the word try doesn’t escape you, but you give him a furtive nod, and he studies your face for a few moments before he steps back up onto the curb and walks past you. You watch him walk all the way, no longer with that confidence or conviction you’re so used to seeing in him, as he steps back into his circle, to Geto’s side. Geto gives a small glance over his shoulder to look at you with discerning eyes before looking at Gojo again, and then he’s turned away from you. 

Heavy feet drag you back to Kai, Ren, and Junichi, and you feel feverish. They mention something about the table being ready, and you nod. The bar is rustic, with more tables than barspace, and the four of you are seated and then presented with a small food menu. You’re seated next to Kai, Ren is right across from you, and Junichi is to his right. You watch a waitress usher Nanami, Choso, Geto and Gojo to one of the tables as well, two away from yours, and you forcefully blur your vision so you don’t have to catch sight of the expression on Gojo’s face.

“So,” Ren speaks up as his eyes peruse the food menu and Junichi waves the waitress over to order a round of sake, “tell me more about your experience, sweetheart.”

You blink at him, eyes feeling heavy, heart feeling heavy. “I’d prefer it if you called me by my name.”

Ren lets out a coo, and you briefly glance at Kai who’s shaking his head with a sigh. “My bad, y/n. Your experience?”

Your hands play with the folder sitting in your lap. “I started writing screenplays for small-scale directors when I was a freshman, and was greenlit on a couple into my sophomore year. One of the films I worked on, I had directing credits for, and it was nominated for best screenplay at Etoile Film Festival the year following.”

Ren swallows slightly, shifting in his chair and pushing his shoulders back, like he’s trying to establish himself now. Kai is clenching a fist on the surface of the table.

Ren clears his throat before speaking again. “Wow, okay, so you’ve actually got some serious shit going on.” His voice is a faux octave deeper. “What do you know about being a good assistant? Ever worked in customer service? Secretary?”

“Oh, I mean I have worked in customer service, but I wasn’t done sharing about my experience—” you try to say but Junichi cuts you off.

“First round’s on me,” he declares, “for bringing her out here.” He tips his chin to you and then sends Kai a glance.

A waitress brings by a bottle of sake, and Junichi begins pouring drinks into the glasses, then slides them across the table. Kai gives Ren a pointed look. 

“Don’t get too wasted,” Kai says to him as he brings his glass to his lips, “you start running that mouth of yours a little too much when you do.”

Ren grins at him and immediately knocks down the glass Junichi barely finished pouring from him in one go, and the gruff man beside him is grumbling. “Whatever you say.”

Something had been bothering you since you came here. “Wait,” you say, pointing between Kai and Ren, “do you two know each other already? Because,” you turn to look at Kai, “on the phone earlier, you sounded like you didn’t.”

Kai’s eyebrows raise in surprise, as though he’s discovered you have some skill for foresight. You glance at Ren, and he gives Kai a puzzled look.

“Uh, yeah. I’ve known Kai for years,” he says, “we go way back. We went to highschool together.”

Kai shifts a little in his chair. “Sorry. Probably forgot to mention it.”

You glance down at the glass of sake in front of you, and the way it twinkles under the lighting of the bar. You slowly bring it to your mouth, taking a small sip, and the way it coats your tongue is less than pleasing. 

“Can you tell me more about the assistant position?” you ask Ren, who’s emptied out the bottle of sake and waving someone over to order more. He already has a slightly flush to his face.

“Yeah, yeah, will do,” he says, “but first, let me tell you about what I do in visuals.”

Another round of sake is dropped by, and then another, followed by another, as Ren continues to ramble on and on about what he does for work, and how it’s entirely integral to the final piece of the film, although you’ve never really had a terrible level of appreciation for visual effects in short-film craft, since it’s hardly much work. But you wouldn’t say that, you just continue to nurse your one glass of sake as the three men surrounding you knock back more and more, and there’s slurs to their speeches now.

“Sooo, I’m so sorry, sweetheart—I mean y/n, for cuttin’ you off earlier,” he says, “but what was that experience you wanted to talk to me about?” Ren asks from across the table, and his eyes are all traveling over you.

“I…” you start, “well, I started to work with one of my professors last year, she’s a two-time Cannes Film Festival winner, and she let me under her wing for one of her projects last year.”

“Who is she? Oh wait, nevermind, probably wouldn’t have heard of her anyways,” Ren says, but when you fail to laugh, he waves his hand in the air. “Joking, joking. What’s her name?”

“Naoko. Naoko Ogigami.”

“Oh shit. I have heard of her,” Ren says, followed by a shallow hiccup. Junichi shrugs his shoulders, and when you look at Kai, he’s nodding slowly and toying with the rim of his glass with a finger.

“Yes. Well, anyways—” you start up again, before Kai sets his glass of sake down particularly loud.

“This is all bullshit. Really. I told you, filmmaking is a waste of time. Just focus on your photography, and your freelance or whatnot,” Kai says, grit to his jaw, face looking red with possibly something other than just a tipsiness. 

Ren lets out a laugh. “Fuckin’ Kai. What a pessimist. Don’t listen to him, sweetheart,” he says, slurred, and you furrow your brow at him with a glare, “sorry. Don’t listen to him. Trust me, you’ll learn a lot under Mr. Ko. He’s a suuuper nice guy.”

“What’s the compensation?” you ask. It’s a brazen question, one you’d never ask so soon in a formal interview process, but this table was hardly anything formal.

“Real good. Mmm I think like…5200 yen an hour, and then also, you get your foot in the door.”

“Oh,” you sit up a little in your chair. It was higher than most entry-level anything for undergraduates or even new grads. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he drawls when he sees you’re more interested. “Good stuff. Kai used to pick these kinds of jobs up, too, back in his college days. I remember. Although, he’s hardly Mr. Ko’s type, so I doubt he’d be any good for this one.”

Your head snaps to Ren again at his words, face tensing. 

“Tell her about what a job like this—hic—entails,” Ren says as he extends his glass out for Junichi to pour him another.

Kai glances at Ren once, and you watch him grind his teeth for a moment, and then there’s a hint of a smirk on his face.

“Oh. Y’know, clerical work. Stuff like printing scripts out,” Kai starts, Junichi filling up his glass and then he raises it into the air to watch the liquid swish around, “grabbing him coffee. Making sure his trailer is stocked.”

“Blowing him in said trailer,” Ren says. It’s something quiet, under his breath with a small laugh, where you could barely hear it across the table. But you heard it nonetheless. And your heart sinks to the core of the earth.

“Excuse me?” you say. The benefit of doubt sitting on your shoulder, watching in disbelief as well.

“He’s joking,” Kai says, quickly, “runnin’ his mouth.”

“Oh fuck off, Kai,” Ren says, throwing his hands up in the air, “don’t act like that’s not why you brought her here.”

Your head slowly turns to Kai, who can’t meet your gaze. Your eyes flicker to Junichi, who looks amused. 

Ren leans over the table, elbows resting on top, to look you straight in the eyes. He’s got a sleazy smile, and you can smell the alcohol on his breath, and he dips his tone down low enough to where you can hardly hear it over the sounds surrounding you in the bar. “That’s how you’ll make it in this industry, sweetheart. Whether you like it or not, you’ll be working under those directors until you make it.”

You stand up so fast that your chair falls behind you, hand raised in the air, and you swiftly slap the man across from you so hard across the cheek that it leaves his skin even more red than the flush from before, and your palm is stinging. 

There’s gasps all around the bar, hushed voices, eyes on you, but you don’t care. There’s not a single thing in the world you care more about right now than the anger swelled in your chest.

Ren holds his cheek, surprised, blinking like a pathetic animal. He almost looks like he’s about to cry, and you let out a scoff at the sight.

You turn to face Kai, whose eyes are wide and he’s staring up at you. Your fists are clenched at your side.

“Is this why you brought me here tonight?” you ask. Your voice is trembling, anxiety at the wake, the white anger spotting your vision. But there’s also pain. So much pain, and you’re just so fed up with all of it. “Because your belittling, condescending words weren’t enough to tear my hopes apart, so you had to humiliate me in front of your friends instead?”

Kai holds his hand up. “Woah, Canon, relax. He was just joking—…” Kai glances at Ren, who’s still holding his cheek and biting down on his lip, and then his gaze hardens. “Y’know what? It’s about fucking time you get this wake-up call, y/n. I’ve been trying to do the nice thing to steer you in the right direction, and the least you could—”

“Steer me in the right fucking direction?!” you’re yelling now, registering the way your voice echoes in the bar. “You know what I think this is all about, Kai?” You grit your teeth, “You’re a sick, stupid, sexist fuck who didn’t have the balls to go after what he wanted. So miserably pathetic that you’ve got no other fucking business than to pull people down to your level.”

Kai pinches his eyebrows together, hand on the table clenching into a fist. 

You lean down closer, an exasperated scoff leaving your lips. “Why don’t you go be his assistant instead? Since I’m sure you’re good at taking it up the ass.”

Kai’s eyes twitch, “you fucking—”

You grab his glass off the table and throw the alcohol into his face, eliciting another round of noises around the bar, and his mouth falls agape in shock before he gets up out of his chair, hand reaching out to grab for you. You close your eyes shut with a flinch to expect pain. Any sort of pain. But you don’t feel anything at all.

When you open your eyes, you see Gojo standing to your left, veins of his arm tense with the tight grip he has on Kai’s forearm, and you can see he’s practically shaking with rage. He steps in front of you, guarding, and you can’t see the expression on his face, but the fear in Kai’s eyes is enough to say it all.

“That’s enough,” he says, the clench of his jaw evident through the strain in his voice, “try to put your hands on her again, and I’ll split your fucking face in half.”

You can see Kai’s breathing pick up from where you’re peering over Gojo’s shoulder, and then Gojo shoves him backwards right as Choso kicks the fallen chair to his feet so he trips over it backwards then hits the ground with a loud and indignant thud.

Gojo’s hovering over Kai, his hands shoved in his pockets as he glares down at him, while Geto and Nanami put space between you and the other two men at your table. You feel a searing flush to your cheeks. You’re breathing fast, the peering eyes all around you are scrutinizing, looking at you with surprise, confusion, shock, and pity. Your mind is racing, and you wonder what your parents would think of all this. What your friends would think of all of this. What the people who support you would think of the fucked up situation you’ve found yourself in, and the humiliation courses so deep through your veins that you just want to run away and hide. The ground could swallow you whole right now, and it still wouldn’t be enough.

You take one step back, then another, before you turn on your heel to rush out the door into the night, and you barely register that it’s raining. You can feel your heart thumping fast in your chest and in your head, that familiar knot in your throat twisting tight as you walk fast down the street and ignore Gojo’s call of your name from behind you.

You don’t want to see anyone right now. You don’t want to be seen by anyone right now. Especially Gojo, of all people, because he was right about everything, and the fact that you had shut him down about it, and the way that you had shut him down about it makes your head numb and your breathing pick up fast.

“y/n,” you hear him call out from behind you, his pace is getting faster and so you’re resorting to longer strides as well, puddles of water splashing under your feet with every step, “just wait—”

“I’m seriously,” you start, and the tears begin to fall, “I’m seriously so, so, so, so, so fucking embarassed right now,” you gasp out the words with no air left in your lungs to breathe as you continue to run away from him, “so please, just leave me alone.”

You can picture it all in your head. Something like I told you so from his lips, because after what you’ve been put through tonight, you just want to assume the worst in people.

But just as you round the corner into an alley, feeling lost with the sight of a dead end, you feel a hand wrap around your arm and then you’re being pulled into an embrace.

Your eyes are blinking with tears streaming, your face buried in a chest that is warm, with a heart beating so fast that it’s keeping time with your own, and the fragrance that surrounds you is so painfully him that it makes you sob even more.

Strong arms wrap around you, pulling you closer, and Gojo rests his chin at the top of your head. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, and you can feel the rumble of his voice, “I just needed to stop you from running.”

Your arms are weakly raised, an outline over his torso but not yet grabbing on, until you hesitantly do. And when you hold onto him, it’s so tight and strong, and you realize that after everything between the two of you, it’s the first time you’ve been wrapped in his arms.

“I feel so stupid,” you start, already hating the words because you want to be stronger right now, but you can’t.

“You’re not stupid,” he quickly corrects you, “those guys are fucking insecure losers. You’re just trying your best. You always have, for as long as I’ve known you, and it’s something you should be proud of yourself for.”

You don’t know what to say to him, you just cling to the damp fabric of his shirt in the rain.  

“Things are going to work out for you, no matter what, because I know you’ve got what it takes and you’re willing to work hard for it,” he says, his chin nuzzling so you’re tucked into him even further, “and if things don’t work out, that’s okay, you’re strong and you’ll always get back up. And I want to be there to help you through everything.”

You pull your face from his chest to stare up at him, droplets of rain falling to your face and making you flinch occasionally. “I’m confused.”

His hand comes up to cup your face, swiping at a tear on your cheek, or maybe it was rain. “I thought that—” he starts, his thumb briefly running over the small cut still healing on your cheek, his brow furrowing, “I thought that I’d be okay with watching your life from afar, through cropped pictures on a screen,” he says, a chill running through you, “but I can’t. It’s killing me. And I’m really sorry that it took me this long to tell you this, but I like you so much and I really want to be with you.”

Your eyes widen at his words, and you don’t know how to feel. You push your face into his chest again. His thumb runs circles at your side through the dampness of your shirt.

“There are a lot of reasons I didn’t feel like I could date you, or show up for you,” he says, “but the pain of not getting to be with you, of not getting to hold you, and just share my life with you is way worse than whatever reasons I kept trying to convince myself of.”

You nod slowly, because there was a part of you deep inside that knew that all along. 

His grip on you relaxes slightly and you take that as a request from him for you to look up at him, so you do. “I know I’ve put you through a lot of pain, and I’m really not a perfect person, but if there’s room in your heart to forgive me, I promise you that I’ll do everything I can to make you feel happy and cared for.”

Your eyes study his face for sincerity. They’re words you’ve been wanting to hear, words you could’ve pictured in your head, but the adoration in his eyes makes you realize you never could’ve imagined the true sweetness of those words when they’re said from him.

You press your cheek to his chest again. You’re not crying anymore. “I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier. About kicking a soccer ball, and having it easy,” you bite down on your lip, because now there’s tears in your eyes again, “I didn’t mean it.” You sniffle a little, “I know you work hard. And it was a really mean thing to say.”

He sighs, holding you flush to himself. His cheek presses against the top of your head. “That’s okay, you don’t have to apologize for that.”

“But I do.”

There was no grudge at all. There was nothing withdrawn from you, nothing taken away as punishment. He just held onto you, exactly as you are, and you felt so safe in every second you spent in his arms.

You look up at him again. His hair is damp, strands clinging to his face in all the places they usually fall over, droplets of rain falling from his fringe onto your face and he does everything he can to wipe them away. “It’s too late,” you tell him, and he immediately knows what you’re referring to.

He just holds you closer. “I know.”

“I don’t have feelings for you anymore,” you say through a sniffle.

He knows you’re lying, and that you say it just out of spite, but he holds your head to his chest. “I know.”

“You’ll have to beg and grovel, and even then, I might not like you ever again,” you say, gripping so tightly onto his shirt for purchase, your voice sounding muffled as you breathe in the scent of him. “That’s your punishment.”

He presses a kiss to the top of your head. A firm press of his lips, lasting as he takes a few deep breaths. And then he kisses the same spot again, staying still in that position as he repeats himself.

“I know.”

--

a/n. phewww thank you for reading, i swear, this chapter felt like a goddamn war to write. my emotions were all over the damn place, i think cause i wrote from a place of bitter experience lol. i dedicate this chap to my lovely friend she’s a film major (she inspired me to create this story) and i srs wouldn’t be able to write kickoff without her 😭💕 dear M♥︎, i thought of you sm while writing this chapter, i can only hope i’ve captured even the slightest bit of the understanding i will always aim to have of you, and that you feel seen. i’m incredibly proud of you, always rooting for you, so often thinking of you, and terribly missing you so much rn (plsssssss visit meee😩💔 ) dedicated w sm love 💕 -bitchasshoe this chapter is also dedicated to anyone who’s going through a hard times n maybe just trying to figure themselves out :”) i am so proud of you, you should be so proud of yourself, there’s still so much to live and learn, and i hope the universe blesses you w everything you’ve ever wanted!! big thank u to my lovely m00t @quinnyundertow she pulled me out of my writers block for this chapter and also beta read a lot of it for me there’s only three chapters left for kickoff (i’m gonna cry just thinking ab it :”)) which doesnt sound like a lot but there’s still a lot i’ve got planned 😭 i’m just noticing that i very poorly planned the second half of this series. chapters 1-6 combined have less words than chapters 7-9 combined 😅✨ sooooo i may increase the chapters from 12 to 14 by splitting them up to make it easier on me, or just stick to the plan and come out with long chapters like the last two. idk. i’ll figure it out. thank u to everyone for reading i love you all dearly 😭💕 i’ll see you in the next one!!

➸ you're all caught up!

➸ wrote some kickoff headcanons here

--

taglist: @who-can-touch-my-boob @therealestpussyeater @lost-resonance @hojoslutoru @foulprincesscycle @luniunia @alekssashka7 @bsdicinindirdim @tsukikourito @getitsatoru @slut-4-gojo @cactisjuice @kissofife @tiredflame132 @cliosunshine @ethereally-lyann @btszn @prince-wyiilder @semra4 @gojosimp26 @drthymby @ninitoru @bbyxxm @fvsm4x @sadmonke @zoinks1010 @bakuhoethotski @horisdope @sykostyles @aquaberrydolphin @colouringfrogssittinginleaves @ri-sa20 @purplehallow11 @mwtsxri @ritsatoru @bxddiebloss @chwesuh-imnida @mo0nforme @viware @still-fking-single @megumisthirdog @gintokhi @karvokr @cierocanteat @imjustaweirdnerd @ronniebird @bloopsstuff @mwtsxri @witchbybirth @tetsuski @fffinskye @gh0ulkz @beabadobeee @mandysfanfics @erencvlt @laviefantasie @sukunamylovexoxo @girlkissersco @itzjuliana @yell0wdreams @1dimas7 @strayedjeno @mo0nforme @yungbloode @sullybrothersmate @oaooaoaoaoa @swagangelllamawolf @banenemilk @inniesblog

(hope i didn't miss anyone thank u all sm!!)

[gamermattsgf]

Coming of age movie hot takes // Matt + Chris

YES, I realise that this is not a proper piece of writing, but don’t worry babies, mommy has got u covered for the weekend coming (hopefully) *nervous laugh*.

You guys can ignore this absolute yapping if u want but it’s really something that I must get off my chest because I think about it an unhealthy amount and make up too many scenarios for each of them in my head with themes and certain plot lines included. Plus, I feel like some of u are absolutely gonna eat this up lol.

But… here are my individual hot takes for both Matt and Chris and what kind of coming of age films they look like they’d star in + with specifically random but accurate details included. (Obviously these are all my own ideas and they may be vastly different to someone else’s, but I felt as though tumblr was the perfect place to brain dump this onto all of u lovely readers)

Matt:

So first up is Matt. Matt gives very much one of those low budget indie coming of age movies where the quality may not be as good but the cinematography is beautiful, as is the plot line. Matt’s movie is the kind of movie you would go to watch and sob at for the entire time because it’s so irrevocably soul-crushing that it tears your heart up piece by piece. If he were to be in an indie movie I feel like it would low-key give off the same kind of energy as something like ‘All the Bright Places’ or possibly even ‘Five Feet Apart’.

Something absolutely tragic is bound to happen in Matt’s movie, and I feel like him dying due to some kind of terminal illness is a high possibility because I don’t know why, it just fits his vibe in a really weird way? Like- his coming of age movie has to be unbareably depressing for some reason.

He’s delicate and gentle, one of those really interesting characters that has so many layers/complications to him. Him and his main love interest share such an odd but heart-warming relationship that you just can’t help but be stuck thinking about the movie days after it’s finished. It bothers you so much that their happy ending was just out of reach.

For the soundtrack, I’m mostly getting Phoebe Bridgers vibes (specifically her Punisher album), something that’s mind-numbingly sad and fits the overall heartache of the cinematography so well that you just want to cry whenever something like ‘Smoke Signals’ or ‘Halloween’ plays beneath the ensuing dialogue. Also, in addition to Phoebe, I also get heavy Current Joys vibes such as ‘In a Year of 13 Moons’ and ‘A Different Age’. The very thought of imagining it makes me want to flat out sob.

Outfit / aesthetic wise for Matt, I envision very much warm brown leather jackets and baggy blue jeans with beat up sneakers and knitted sweaters. He always carries a tattered notebook and drives around a beat up pick-up truck. He smokes red Marlboro cigarettes and constantly seems to have one neatly tucked behind his ear (what-? It would literally look so pretty matched up with his beard and fluffy hair combo… don’t kill me). He’s shy and likes to keep himself to himself but is also hopelessly in love with our main character that also sort of keeps to herself, so he decides to pursue her before it’s too late.

I also feel like this Matt would for sure write 100 love letters to the main character but she would only discover them hidden within his notebook after he had died because when he was still alive he would never tell her what he was writing down whenever they shared moments together. Possibly Matt never got the chance to confess his feelings whilst he was alive, so they stayed forever friends and nothing more right up until he slipped through her fingers at the very end…?

(Bye I’m sobbing, why the fuck does my mind have to be so vivid and imaginative??)

Chris:

For Chris I feel like it’s a little different. His coming of age movie would definitely be a mix between a light-hearted comedy of the classic ‘underdog that finally gets the girl’ whilst also incorporating really important life lessons into the mix of the colourfully bursting screenplay. In contrast, the cinematography is just as beautiful as Matt’s, but in a hazier way, so I’m getting very much party + late night hang out vibes from what Chris’ gives off. This includes darker, more moodier lighting, almost like ‘Euphoria’ in a way. I think his movie would more so correlate with either something like ‘Perks of being a Wallflower’ or even something like ‘10 things I hate about you’. I think the added comedy matches up with Chris’ personality in real life perfectly.

There’s definitely got to be one of those cliche scenes where they lock eyes at a party and all of the other guys on the football team are staring at the most well-known girl in school but Chris only has eyes for our main character. There’s some form of blue/pink/purple flashing lights and everything seems to take place in slow motion as they tentatively peer at each other from opposite sides of the random fish tank before them (Romeo and Juliet style) or some other form obstacle in the way.

For Chris’ soundtrack, I’m thinking something a little more upbeat, and I was possibly debating on Lorde, her songs fit Chris perfectly in my opinion, and no one understands the young mind quite like she does. The emotional vulnerability of her songs mesh together beautifully with Chris’ love language of touch and teenage curiosity and I can just envision something like ‘Perfect Places’ or ‘Hard Feelings’ playing over the back of one of those ending monologues where the movie cuts to a bunch of different scenes as maybe Chris says something really sappy and sentimental over the top of them in his voiceover.

Finally, outfit / aesthetic wise for Chris, I would normally put him in his baggy light-wash jeans and then pair it with a white t-shirt and some form of a zip up hoodie with a backwards cap, but to be honest, most of what Boston Chris used to wear way back when works pretty well too. I’m thinking, typical high school student attire, he’s on the lacrosse team, and is always wholesomely trying his best to impress the girl he’s had a crush on for years with his skills, giving the movie that light, feel-good atmosphere that leaves you with a fuzzy glow after you’ve rewatched it for about the 5th time.

(Again, actually sobbing, I wish these two brief ideas of movies actually existed wtf)

Author’s notes: I’m sorry if this is literally so stupid but I think about it so much, and I think about a lot of other possible movies the triplets look like they could star in. In fact, I even have a whole entire second series sitting in my camera roll of me explaining what horror movies I think each of them would look good in, so if u guys end up liking this one, then I would consider giving u a breakdown of my horror movie ideas if anyone were to wish it hehe. But thank u for listening to my rant and I hope it makes as much sense in your head as it did in mine… 🎀

People who I think would entertain this yapping and enjoy what I have to say here: @luv4kozume @luverboychris @lovingmattysposts @luvmila444 @rootbeerworshiper @nicksmainbitch @lacysturniolo @thesturniolos @strniohoeee @asturniolos @sturniolosreads @sturniolosstar @meanttomeet @sturniolowhore @mattscokewhore @matthemunch @mattestrella @vecnasnose0 @ellie-luvsfics @imwetforyourmom @breeloveschris @kvtie444 @stursweet @bernardsgf @fake-sturniolos @mattslutt @1800chokedathoe @orangeypepsi

[guardian5tiger3]

Pick a Group Tarot !

What's up ?

1. 2. 3.

Group 1 .

I'm actually picking up on past energy, like maybe 2000's , early 2010's .? It depends for everyone, the point is it's a message about the past, your past self. Something about your future has something to do with your past. Ok, of course. I mean, it's being suggested that you should go back in time, enjoy stuff you used to like that might make you nostalgic. Music, shows, movies, anything really. Especially around middle school age . Once again, it depends , but for a lot of you that's about the age I'm talking about, I believe. For some of you this is way off lol. The point is to relive some stuff from your past, bring back some memories. It'll open up your heart somehow. You'll feel a lot about it if you do, and find the right stuff. It may motivate you and give you a lot of energy moving forward. Hell. Yah. You guys. What more needs to be said. This is a sweet reading , if you ask me. A lot of you come up with so many questions and thoughts, yo why not just take the advice and try it out and if it works it works. Okay some of you are kind of struggling right now. For whatever reason, though, this is what I'm supposed to tell you. In general what spirit wants for you is to open your heart up and feel in your heart. Also weirdly specific but, something about a croissant.

Group 2.

Y'all need to be strong within yourselves at this time , maybe even more than usual. I'm getting this could very well be socially especially or for some in a work environment. Why am I picking up on a movie theatre. Mainly the popcorn. You guys seem like you're just kinda waiting for something to happen, and you're hoping this something happens, and it's good I'm seeing that you guys are dreaming big and stuff ya know.

Ohhhhhh. Y'all know what. Some of you need to maybe rethink a situation you rejected cause you're wanting someone specific and waiting for that. You literally might have just walked right past exactly what you want deep down lol. You guys!!!!! W.t.f. lol. Take your time to think about stuff and reflect. You may not even know what or who I'm talking about . Y'all gonna have to sit back for a while and contemplate maybe. Maybe you have too many standards or ideas but the universe knows what you want and need even more than you do. Dude I see this being a raw blessing. Y'all lmaoo!!! Serious. It may not seem appealing cause of whatever you've been taught to think or just your perception at first, but I'm telling you!!! Just, think about it, ok. You guys seem great by the way, good vibes. Just a little judgemental maybe. But I mainly feel lighthearted. I think that's lowkey your true natures, so, yeah. Peace and love ya goobers. Dang.

Group 3 .

You guys, sometimes you don't actually have to literally win the game to win the game. Sometimes playing the game and enjoying the game is where you really win, at the end of the day. Y'all get what I'm saying? Don't be too serious, don't be too hard on yourself or anyone else. You might need to have some heart healing taking place. Someone must have been harsh to you at some point in your life. You just need to reflect on that if that's the case, maybe and be nice to yourself and rebel against that. I'm also picking up the general concept of becoming your own best friend , being an appreciable character personality. Mainly a lot of what I'm getting is just reteaching yourself to be nice to yourself and enforcing respect on ya name. If you might be a little scared of personal development in some specific way though you know deep down it's good for you, know I can sense people will actually like and enjoy you even more afterwards.!

:)

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

TTPD Track Speculation/Prediction: @wavesoutbeingtossed Edition

Against my better judgment, I’m putting down my predictions before I am proven completely wrong on April 19.

on the other hand I did correctly attribute all of the 1989 TV vault track teaser lyrics to their songs before it was released so maybe I’m just that good jk.

I’m putting everything under a cut because it’s long and mostly just shooting the shit but it’s a long weekend so what the heck!

I started writing this the night the album was announced at the Grammys in February, so obviously things may have evolved in the meantime. It will be very interesting to see just how wrong I am!

Here be speculation, musings, jokes and more! Enter at your own risk!

SOUND:

I honestly have NO CLUE. I’ve said many, many times that I would be absolutely gagged for an Americana-folk type sound like Carolina/Safe and Sound/some of her acoustic performances on tour. I don’t really expect TTPD to sound quite that stripped back, though. (Prove me wrong, Taylor!)

I am kind of feeling pop-rock-y though, à la WCS, TTDS, based on absolutely nothing but that is also a genre/sound I love that I am begging to hear more on albums.

Completely off the wall guess: Something more jazzy-big band-y, based on nothing but her styling in recent months on the red carpet that harkens back to golden age of Hollywood vibes (especially the Grammys), the inclusion of Clara Bow (renowned flapper girl) on the track list, and the way she keeps talking about being grateful fans accept her bending and switching genres over the years and support her when she does “weird” things.

FORMAT (?)

OK this is just me spitballing, but I said awhile back that I am just getting vibes that there may be, like, a story within a story with this. As in, using some fictional settings as an allegory for the story about herself. The example I used then was The Lumineers, and how they wrote their album III about three generations of a fictional family dealing with addiction, which was an allegory for the lead singer’s own family’s experience with it (without directly calling out the family member in question at the time). There were characters in the album, but many of the songs were sung from an “I”/“you” perspective. I may not be explaining myself well, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are “fictional” stories in that they’re sung about characters (e.g. Clara Bow?), but it will be obvious to fans that she’s using the characters to speak about herself and her experiences. I’m just getting big “storytelling” energy from the hints. Which means I’m totally wrong!!!! Don’t listen to me!!! (I do think there will be some shades of this somehow, though.)

TRACK LIST SPECULATION

Fortnight: Think you are all on the money about it being the time between the start of tour and when Joever happened for good. Sort of a “two years of uncertainty coming to a head in two weeks” thing. Spending two weeks agonizing over what to do. Two weeks for your whole life to blow up. Finally being removed from the situation and grasping onto your dreams that have been on hold for years and realizing your mind’s made up because you won’t give this part of you up even if it means letting go of what you thought your future held. But another thing I’ve thought of: some common wisdom claims it takes two weeks for a new routine to become a habit, so… outside chance it’s like, two weeks go by and you’re finally used to/accepted whatever it is you’re trying to kick? Also had a thought that there could be many two-week periods that can mark your life and give pause. 

The Tortured Poets Department: No idea really lol. For some reason I feel like this is going to be a little more experimental, “laying the groundwork for the defense” type of vibe, kinda like Mastermind, or using the investigative/academic metaphor to delve into it like, Mad Woman or Vigilante Shit. (Or: it could be super petty roasting the infamous group chat lol. In all seriousness though I would doubt that because I feel like this album is very much about Her… unless said group chat was so insufferable she needs to blast it on main.)

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys: I saw some talk on my dash about this giving renegade themes (you fire off missiles because you hate yourself but don’t you know you’re demolishing me), and I totally thought the same thing. Also those of you who pointed out the parallels to Cardigan are geniuses (when I was an old cardigan under someone’s bed you put me on and said I was your favorite). Again kinda think there might be some more metaphor in this but guessing it may be along the lines of “he’s only doing this because he knows I won’t leave” themes? It instantly gives dark and uneasy. It gives, the people you love are the ones you hurt the most. All signs point to Not Good.

(Or this is about Benji destroying his spin toys or is that just my cat that does that.)

Down Bad: Someone said (on Jaime’s blog I think*) that this is giving False God but icky and I can TOTALLY see that. (Then again I’ve always found False God sad in the sense that it’s like, “even when we fight so bad we can’t communicate we still have the sex holding us together.”) But, Taylor does like to take sayings with common meanings and twist them on their heads, so I also wouldn’t be surprised if “Down Bad,” isn’t referring to being down as in being horny for someone, but being down as in, feeling devastated/hopeless. (Or, even worse, mean both at the same time. 😵‍💫)

(*I wrote this post in February after the announcement, I don’t have a clue when any of this was said anymore sorry)

So Long, London: like a lot of people, I feel like this is her goodbye to the life they had and more importantly/poignantly, the dreams she had of their future. (I don’t know but, “remember looking at this room we loved cause of the light, now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time” just feels like it’d be part of this story.) So because I’ve said that, watch it be an excoriation of London Boy lol. (You know I’m mad at a London Boy / who just really won’t leave Camden / Market in the afternoon / he hasn’t seen my American smile / in two months cause he won’t come to see me / when I have a show to do…) Feel like it’s going to gut us. BUT, also wonder if this is her “I’m getting the fuck out of dodge ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE” anthem haha. (Or: she ran away to London to escape the Bad Stuff but then got stuck in another kind of Bad Stuff living there for so long…)

But Daddy I Love Him: Pretty obviously the Little Mermaid reference. Very curious if the actual quote is in the song, or if it’s just named that to set the scene but the song instead is an expounding on the theme of giving up her voice for the sake of the relationship like Ariel. Also wonder if this is an overtly diaristic song or if she is going to use characters/figures/fiction to expand on the theme subtly, a little like Maisie Peters’ History of Man or Florence & The Machine’s Cassandra or even more pointedly like her own Last Great American Dynasty or The Lucky One. I do assume the overarching theme is going to be the push-pull between keeping her love and giving up things that are important to her to make that love work.  (Watch this be about her arguing with her father about marrying *** lol.)

The theme of giving up your voice/what you hold dear for love is so loaded, and has some parallels to Clara Bow’s story, which is also on the track list so… Lots to chew on I’m sure.

Fresh Out The Slammer: Totally think the reference to her locking herself up for years at home because she was scared in the Time POTY interview is a likely link to this. Feeling free after the weight of this decision is off her shoulders, yet the sheer terror at now being on her own and rebuilding her future. It could be uplifting but I could also see it being like pure chaos. BUT, a thought I had earlier is that, if this is a song that was written pre-Joever, maybe it’s about the aftermath of a rough patch. Like, we just got our get out of jail free cards, we made it through the other side of this Big Thing that almost ended us (e.g. the final blow in YLM), where do we go from here?

Florida!!!: Emphasis on the “!!!”!!! Honestly it had me at FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE. I’m soooooo curious and sooooooooooooo pumped for this one. I don’t want to let myself hope it’s going to sound like a Florence song BUT I HOPE IT SOUNDS LIKE A FLORENCE SONG. I’m going to guess it may be a reference to the first stop on tour after the news broke. Wasn’t that also a show where a ton of things went wrong? I can see it going so many ways! Is it a hopeful “Florida I’m coming for you you’re a symbol of my great escape my prison break my entire life crumbling and rising again”? An introspective “I never thought I’d have to rebuild my whole world after it imploded, in Florida of all places?!”? Is it a sarcastic “fucking Florida always the scene of the crime I can’t believe my life is falling apart and I need to go to FUCKASS FLORIDA oh great every thing that can go wrong with my show is FLORIDA!!!!”? Is it a rant about the corporate mouse? Or a scathing takedown of Republican politics ahead of the 2024 elections? (lol) Who’s to say?!

Guilty as Sin?: Sooooooooooo curious about this. I’m a Carolina Stan and I know there is 0% chance there is a link between the two songs other than the lyric which is a common term, but it does make me happy. My first thought about this one is that it’s going to be biting or self-reflective — kinda like the bridge of Is It Over Now? Or the chorus of Anti-Hero. As in, “what is it exactly that you think I’m guilty of?” (E.g. ambition? Drive? Seeking attention? Being selfish? But could also be sad: Loving too hard? Caring too much? Being too needy? Hmmm.) I’m kind of feeling like it’s a “if it’s wrong to be guilty of these things I don’t want to be right.” Again if I had to guess I’d wonder if it would have the same vibes as the bridge of YLM. (For some reason, with the question mark, I don’t necessarily think it’s going to be accusing someone of something…)* I also had a thought about the seven deadly sins and this title and… THOUGHTS ARE THINKING**.

(*I may not have found it accusatory in February, but with the benefit of hindsight in March I… reserve the right to change my mind about this.)

(**Future Waves here: the thoughts may have been thinking for February Waves but March Waves has no idea what she was talking about.)

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?: I don’t knooooooooooow. At first the title kinda gave me Blank Space vibes, like, you don’t know how much I could fuck this up if I wanted. Then some people mentioned the similarity to Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? And now that’s absolutely all I can think about. If you’ve ever seen the movie (or the play), it is rooooooooough. Watching George and Martha drunkenly eviscerate each other as their guests watch on in horror is… oof. (As someone who has seen this happen in real life and was trapped on a boat with a couple in full unhinged mode… OOF. Just OOF.) Of course there’s the Burton-Taylor of it all too so… (there’s also an interesting theme in Virginia Woolf about buying into illusion to avoid the messiness of reality… and Martha resenting George’s lack of ambition.) Is this song cheeky? Or a threat? Is this a Better Than Revenge/Vigilante Shit rebuke or is it Bejeweled owning her personhood?

(Like any of these songs, there’s also the chance that it’s heartbreaking and is really a reflection on how the things that make her her can be weaponized against her… Or how her struggles/vices alienate her to the person she loves a la Anti-Hero…)

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can): My first thought is this is going to be one of her sarcastic/satirical/funnier ones, based on nothing except that this sounds like it could be an Olivia Rodrigo cheeky song lol. (Like, I immediately start singing this to the tune of “Get Him Back.”) Never beat those allegations, Taylor, we’ve all been there. It definitely feels like a stereotypical tale of “girl tries to fix a man who doesn’t want to change and refuses to give up.” Watch this actually be a sad ballad about the flip side of renegade and trying to help a partner through a crisis 😬 

loml: the quiet menace in this list!!!! Obviously we’re all immediately thinking “love of my life,” but because this is Taylor, we should not rest easy. The fact that it’s all in small caps is curious to me and calls back to text speak, so is this a term of endearment that turns into a final parting sign off? Is it from an email ahem? Is it a sweet song about the good parts of being together? A wistful song about a lost love? BUT THEN, because it’s Taylor, I can totally see this being a bait and switch and it standing for something else as some of you pointed out, like loss of my life, or love OR my life. Or something entirely different. I’m pretty convinced that this one is going to be devastating in some fashion. I just feel it in my bones.

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart: Like many of you, I’m fairly certain this is going to be a bittersweet Long Live-esque ode to the Eras tour. The pick yourself up by the bootstraps, get out of bed, the show must go on and the show is saving my life story. Just thinking of the quote from the Time POTY interview where she said, “I know I’m going on that stage whether I’m sick, injured, heartbroken, uncomfortable, or stressed.” And in those early weeks, it seems like she might have been all of those things at once. Just trying to talk yourself into getting out of bed when all you want the earth’s core to swallow you whole and never come back. Kind of like, I can pick up the pieces of my life and carry on even when I am dying inside. 

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: Obviously this is about one Benjamin Button, please. OK, in all seriousness, it’s giving, well… *shots fired*. It’s giving “your integrity makes me seem small.” It’s giving “I’m a monster on the hill, too big to hang out.” It’s giving “all you are is mean.” So, part of me thinks it’s going to be turned on its head a little bit, just because… it seems to point to something directly and sometimes Taylor enjoys a bit of misdirection. So is this about someone who takes shots at someone else and in so doing, displays their own insecurity? Another thought I had is: Is this about someone who retreats into their own world so much that they’ve shut out everything and everyone else? Their whole world gets shrunken down to the four walls around them? I have a strong feeling this is an allegory-type song, using a fictionalized and possibly fantastical story to tell the real life one, but obviously I could be wrong.

The Alchemy: gonna be real with you all: I didn’t know that alchemy was the practice of turning base metals into something that looks like gold. I think I was mixing it up with apothecary or something, lol. I thought it was the practice of making potions and whatnot. #TheMoreYouKnow ANYWAY, I think the idea of “turning nothing into something that shines” is going to be important. Is it about using her best colours for a portrait to hide the cracks underneath? Is it about trying your best to make something work and thrive but ultimately coming up empty because the foundation is gone? Is it about turning these base experiences into art that fuels her? There are so many possibilities! (@taylortruther’s post about The Alchemy and other comments got me thinking too about the magician/illusionist scenario in So It Goes and now my brain is on fire.)

Clara Bow: Soooooooooo intrigued by this one too. People have pointed out so many of the interesting coincidences and parallels in their lives. Clara Bow was a silent film star who found her voice in the talkies — that right there is one metaphor about finding your voice in your art and your life. But it’s also an interesting parallel that she managed to parlay her success in silent film into talkies, at a time where few actors enjoyed a successful transition, which mirrors Taylor’s transition from country to pop. There’s the way Clara’s private life was splashed all over the press, driven by salacious rumours about her sex life and her perceived revolving door of lovers, which seems like something Taylor would empathize with. There’s the way she had a breakdown and left Hollywood, which may have some shades of 2016. Or that she got married and started a family, but insisted on keeping it a secret for many years to maintain privacy, which is interesting because in this case it seems like *Clara* was the one driving the need for secrecy, not her husband. (At least I read that in one article somewhere, sorry if that’s wrong!) Ultimately though, she died relatively young and was forgotten by mainstream Hollywood, a relic of a past uninteresting to all but the most diehard of film buffs. I’m getting vibes of “The Lucky One,”  (and “Nothing New”) both in themes and in storytelling. So, watch it be completely different and not a story about Clara Bow but instead just have it be an off-hand line lol.

BONUS TRACKS

The Manuscript: I’m veeeeeery intrigued by this one. (I know I say that about all of them. That’s because they all intrigue me.) I love the idea that this wraps up the “standard” album; the chair(wo)man of the Tortured Poets Department has submitted her thesis for review, and it’s up to the board to draw their conclusion. OR: the idea that this is the unfiltered submission to a publisher, before the editor’s review that will cut and tighten and ultimately make it better, but loses the author’s initial vision in the process. (Like self-editing to share the most palatable story to your reader. Which… Also gives Dear Reader/Midnights in general vibes.) OR EVEN: this is the author’s story, submitted to the audience for their review, leaving it up to them to draw their conclusions and annotate. There are sooooooo many ways I can see this going. 

The Bolter: A curious one indeed! I feel like of all of the bonus tracks at least, this is the one I have the least idea about. My immediate guess is that it refers to a person who runs, which would have all kinds of implications. Running from the law (unlikely lol), running from commitment, running from conflict… running for your life. Like running from commitment because you’re scared of being tied down (single girl version) to running from commitment because you’re scared of being tied down (bitter wife* version). (*NOT saying there was a secret wedding lol. I mean as in, that’s the future that was in store if one stayed.) I saw other takes saying bolter is also slang for jailer, which is also interesting with the Ready For It of it all. 

The Albatross: So much has been said about this one, so I don’t think I have much to ado about this one! The famous poem is rife with all kinds of allusions: the bird soaring on its own for up to six years, but being brought down by man’s cruelty. The bird looking majestic in the skies, but the burden of its wings dragging it down on land, slowly killing it. The story being a metaphor for how the very thing poets are exalted for in society are the things they are punished for personally. I think it’s safe to say this one is going to hurt regardless, whether it’s a reference to herself, to ***, or something else entirely.

The Black Dog: Also another one I’m not sure I have many thoughts on yet. The black dog being a metaphor for depression is likely the inspiration, and I’m assuming this has the potential to be one of the most vulnerable songs yet. I have a feeling most of this album will be, but the imagery of this — the black dog being a constant companion, wanted or not, casting a pall over its master’s every move — points in a pretty obvious direction. And one that is probably going to gut us.

Well there you have it folks! I am ready to be completely wrong!

[meanbossart]

i’m so intrigued by grodderick, do you have any information on him you’d like to share?

Ohhh I'm so glad to hear that because I fucking love Grodderick LOL here's some character fun-facts!

He's about 6'8" or 6'9", making him the only character that's taller than DU drow so far in A Novel Experience (if you don't count Do'zynge because he's cheating)

He's in his early thirties.

He stopped drinking about 4 years ago and now only enjoys a little devilweed here and there, maybe a cigar whenever Nathanya gifts him a box.

Speaking of which, he has a bit of an infatuation with Nathanya but has basically zero hopes of it ever going anywhere.

He's a follower of Ilmater, though believes in a quiet form of worship and so doesn't really mix in with the church.

He tries very hard to divorce himself from half-orc culture.

He's fluent in Elvish and tries to maintain the accent in common for reasons that relate to the fact above.

Because of his history, he's a pretty non-judgemental guy and lets people make their intentions known before making assumptions based on race, that said, that doesn't mean he won't poke a little harmless fun at you or exercise basic common sense, for that matter.

Similarly, he has a high tolerance for people giving him crap based on his own race and history, as long as they don't mind having it flung back at them. In fact, he generally prefers the company of people who speak their mind bluntly.

The tattoo across his throat spells out SLAUGH, which means ‘mud wallowing dogs" and his basically an orc slur (got that in jail LOL). The one on his stomach says "TALIBUND'. He also has the Ilmater symbol on the side of his neck.

Aaaaand backstory dump below because I felt like it:

Grod (as his buddies call him) was raised by a human mother who lived as a recluse, being that she was largely ostracized for getting together and having a kid with a half-orc, who eventually left her to raise Grodderick on her own. This instilled a lot of guilt in Grod as he grew up and he took off of his own at around age 14, basically going no-contact with his mother for several years before they reconnected and began sending letters back and forth. At that point in his life, Grodderick made a pretty seedy living within the underground-market and as very effective debt collector.

His mother made a point to raise him to be pretty well educated, so he stood out as having a good mind for business and strategy among his peers ( and especially among other humanoid races who often expected less of his intellect) and made a relatively comfortable living. He sent a lot of the money he made back to his mother, and the rest of it he spent on passing pleasures like drink and gambling. He was good friends with a few other half-orc and had a couple of short-lived relationships, which usually ended with the other person being frustrated with his choice in career and leaving, since he had no desire to be romantically involved with anyone in his circles and his partners were often kept in the dark about what he got up to.

After several years of this, his mother at some point stops answering his letters, and upon returning home to find out why, he learns she has passed away and left him basically all of the cash he ever sent so he had something to fall onto of when he inevitably decided to pursue a different kind of life. Grodderick took this money, severed most of his past ties and spend a little while traveling until he ends up in Pran, where Nathanya hires him as muscle, and eventually begins to rely on Grod for all sorts of work after having taken a liking to him.

[danse--macabre]

jaheira/astarion headcanons:

he constantly flirts (which is par for the course for astarion), as early as the end of Act 2, but it is just so ineffective. so ineffective. your lies mean nothing pretty boy!

jaheira enjoys rebuffing this and coming up with creative ways to tell him his lines do nothing, lol.

he also constantly winds her up as well. will joke about her being a bare-foot hippie for simply being a druid. has called her 'the great jaheira' and 'the high harper' before ('and what does the high harper think?'), just to annoy. attention-seeking behaviour!

this is admittedly something jaheira will also do. loves to rib him for complaining about the damp, the wet, the cold, the mud, nature in general, walking too much, carrying too much, etc. will call him a soft little baby and an aged old man at the same time.

they are a bickering couple

the fact that astarion couldn't give a shit about nature while jaheira is literally a druid is a running joke and theme when it comes to dunking on each other tbh.

another related running theme: when they finally do hit it off, it's a running joke they never actually have sex in a bed. at camp, in a field, in the dirt, on the floor or against the wall in an abandoned building - but almost never in a bed. (real reason: I did not realise you could rent the elfsong out, sorry. but also astarion does complain about this of course.)

astarion LOVES to try and get jaheira to talk shit. she presents herself as somewhat above it, but jaheira is probably partial some gossip and I think a habit that does begin in the early stages is they will share a bottle of wine and they will start being old judgy queens together

'you're becoming a bad influence,' she'll say, wrinkling her nose, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. 'Was I not already?' She rolls her eyes, walks away. 'All the best things are, darling!' he'll call out, with a cackle, as she walks away.

when jaheira actually turns and gives astarion a genuine and sincere compliment... critical hit, maximum damage, hits the fucking bullseye.

other ways of critically hitting: any gentle caress to his face after a genuine compliment.

lots of genuine arguments as well about adventuring choices. I think one thing that does draw me is that yes, astarion does have people pleasing tendencies but he does tend to be quite vocal about his opinion. I'm fairly sure he and jaheira will clash often BEFORE he becomes super drawn into any kind of romance arc & I think in some ways that's fairly good for him.

astarion thinks the fact that she can turn into a panther and just tear into something is the hottest thing and quite frankly I think he was interested as soon as he saw her do this in the moonrise towers fight.

on jaheira's end... quite frankly if he wasn't a vampire and if they didn't have a job to do she would have just bedded him sooner, he's easy on the eyes and good fun, so why not? It does hit her in the middle of their flirting period that in another universe she wouldn't have hesitated.

when they do hook up jaheira tries to keep it a secret / on the down-low. this lasts about five days LOL.

it's not actually astarion's fault - he can be discreet and respects her wishes - it's just this camp is full of gossip mongers and lae'zel has bat ears. within five days everyone Knows.

at least one person (probably wyll, since he's fairly insightful) thought they'd been hooking up since they hit rivington.

jaheira doesn't realise astarion is slightly older than her until she tries calling him cub.

he laughs her off as a flatterer. she's confused, he tells her to just go on and guess his age. she thinks he's 120 years old.

'Add another century to that darling and you're almost there'. Cue jaheira being slightly stunned and astarion absolutely revelling in it.

I think she will still sometimes refer to him / treat him as if he is younger and he to her as if she is older though. It becomes a running inside joke.

biting: very much off the table when they do finally hook up.

(this does not stop astarion brushing his fangs against her skin to tease her when they hook up. 'Careful. No biting.' 'Oh, I wouldn't dare').

the fact that he is a vampire actually is one of jaheira's concerns and a small point of contention. jaheira has an interesting banter where she explains about a time she killed a spawn quite dramatically - while she's not a 'kill on sight' reckless moralist, she's got no great love for the creatures, and as much as she does come to enjoy the banter and the company, it's tinged with wariness in the first half of Act 3, because Jaheira is slow to trust and quick to suspect

the first bite happens well after cazador is dealt with. honestly I can see it happening on the eve of the final battle. because of jaheira's initial wariness, it becomes a real moment of intimacy and trust. she lets him drink from the arm, rather than the neck, just to maintain more control, has healing and resurrection scrolls prepared (she does not tell him this because she doesn't want to freak him out), etc. But he's able to stop when she asks. After it's over there is a very warm moment, after astarion gives her his sincere, genuine thanks, of her cradling his face and calling him a messy eater (lol)

speaking of Cazador, that's... honestly, it's a Lot given they're having a 'light & breezy' romance and they're still in the casual dalliance stages, have only just started hooking up if at all. jaheira ends up learning about some of the horrific trauma through seeing rather than Astarion telling and I think it'd be a bit mortifying if he weren't so singularly focussed on the goal.

I think Jaheira offers to share a bottle of wine with him the night after. I think he takes up her offer and it's a mix of talking about what happened in his own words (Astarion is actually fairly direct when it comes to talking about traumatic incidents) and also talking about something completely different when it gets too much.

Things definitely do ramp up in the final stretch / final few days before the Battle with the Elder Brain. Lots of post-battle shenanigans with some honest and quite raw moments? It's one of the most intense points of their fling (which increasingly feels NOT like a fling).

But I think Jaheira instinctively draws back after the final battle and tries to walk back some of the intensity and intimacy that developed due to 'it might be our last chance', due to some ingrained fears of intimacy and loss + trying to rationalise it as an impulsive, heat-of-the-moment thing + an expectation that Astarion would just move on anyway (false).

Astarion goes off to become a hero in the spawn ending. He does often return to the gate and they always arrange to meet for a drink. There's a lot of catching up, chatting shit, but also Jaheira increasingly turns to him for advice and to get his perspective on an issue. I think she trusts his viewpoint and when she can get in her head about not being able to save everything or everyone, or a hard choice she has to make, he'll often just go, somewhat bluntly, 'well you did the important thing, didn't you?' and put things in perspective. You killed the bad guy, you stopped the plot, you saved that woman's life. Trust yourself more. (He'll attempt to walk this back with a joke about how he's still a libertine scoundrel; Jaheira will laugh him off)

'You work too hard' is a common complaint of Astarion's. He's right. Jaheira always appreciates hearing it.

I think it's here we might also get touches of Astarion's 'I want to be close without having sex' we see in Act 2. I think there's at least on occasion where they initiate sex, he backs out, she's supportive and they end up cuddling.

Something Jaheira discovers way too late, following the events of the game: he's damned good at giving a massage. 'You didn't think to tell me this while we were sleeping in the dirt?' (Response is something like: 'Oh Jaheira, you wish you'd used me more for my body? My my.')

As said before, the 'I actually have sincere feelings for you' confession comes unexpectedly during the epilogue party, astarion impulsively ends up telling her. Jaheira... has to suddenly deal with the distance she put up like a wall coming crashing down because Astarion is impulsive and bad at holding things in

I think in an interesting mirror to Astarion's request to go slow with sex, Jaheira says she'll need to go slow with intimacy and romance. It's been a while (more than long enough), but she's not really had anything serious since her husband died.

I think as a compromise they maintain long distance for a bit, Astarion continues to adventure, but he'll visit with increasing frequency and for increasingly long periods. Jaheira will, after a while, insist he stay with her and not just in a tavern, and this gradually morphs into him spending months at a time in Baldur's Gate before a lead will pull him in another direction.

Which I think is good for them both. I think Astarion does well from a chance to just develop an identity for himself without being 'a partner' and grow on his own through adventuring. I think it also helps things develop at a pace Jaheira's comfortable with and means Jaheira can set some very concrete boundaries.

As things become serious and Astarion just drops the mask, they're very much 'fondly rib each other in public whenever one of them is even a displays affection, but deeply soft and sweet with each other in private'

Takes them a long while to say anything like 'I love you'.

Personally I can see them doing it after the other gets injured in battle. Berating them for being reckless and then telling them they love them, they're terrified, etc. Quite frankly I can see this happening to them both, but given Jaheira has lost a love before... more meaningful from her mouth.

Astarion is nothing like Khalid and Jaheira is very thankful for this. He's a different thing entirely, but it's not any kind of lesser love either.

[cometrose]

Are you still looking for reasons to yap about Zhongli? Because I would love to hear your thoughts on his relationship with Hu Tao ;w;

I think my favorite thing about Hu Tao and Zhongli is that they're both literally insane. Psychological terrors.

Hu Tao will put a whoopee cushion on your chair and laugh when you sit on it. Zhongli will gaslight you into believing the whoopee cushion never existed and that you just sat and jumped up all on your own.

Hu Tao is deliberate and overt with her pranks while Zhongli is a subtle and mischievous trickster. They both just terrorize the general populace. You talk to them for longer than 10 minutes and you start hearing voices. Zhongli just gets away with it because he has the elegance and aura of a god.

Like Hu Tao will tease Furina by telling scary stories or tales of ghosts while Zhongli would probably tease her by calling her as 'lovely as goddess' or 'a lady blessed by gods'.

People always say Zhongli is cold but he's just a silly little liar like 50% of the time. Lying about being in the chasm, tricked some guy out of two hand-painted fans, led these two fake archeologists on a quest just to deny them of their dreams at the last moment, acting like he's never met the adepti, ignoring venti at the restaurant, hiding from neuvillette, lying to xiao about sesame oil and teasing him at the restaurant like the list goes on, faking his fucking death like he is just a fucking terror. No wonder he and Hu Tao get along well.

Speaking of their dynamic I think they play off each other very nicely. Before Hu Tao was released it was suggested that Hu Tao teases Zhongli endlessly to the point of exasperation but it seems like their teasing is mutual and Zhongli is just being an overdramatic tsundere (like always). Hu Tao makes fun of him at Lantern Rite but he just teases her right back. I imagine Hu Tao is constantly trying to get him to admit or confess to being an adeptus and he always manages to one up her at the last second to avoid saying anything.

I believe the two of them would make perfect partners in any business. Imagine Hu Tao and Zhongli as detectives lol, Hu Tao would chase down the suspect having figured out the case within 5 minutes while Zhongli would already be there waiting for Hu Tao to chase the suspect down cause he figured it out after 30 seconds. They would barely listen to the authorities and do whatever they wanted as long as it wasn't against the law.

But then again they have this really good balance. Hu Tao is a fire force of nature, energetic, playful and proud. But she has a very thoughtful side to her, she's a sharp thinker, with a love for poetry, music, and appreciation for life. Zhongli is much the same. He is thoughtful and caring, kind with a love for the arts, but he is rather mischievous, and a little manipulative with a taste for having fun in his own way. They are tricksters with a love for life and the arts just two very different auras. In many ways I would say they are more alike than different

They even work in gameplay! Double hydro Hu Tao aka Hu Tao, Xingqiu, Yelan and Zhongli is probably my strongest and most optimized team for the Spiral Abyss. I use them like every round and it works.

Unpopular opinion I guess but I have never really cared for the headcanon of Hu Tao as Zhongli's daughter. Not so much as I dislike it but I greatly prefer the crazy boss and even crazier secretary/employee dynamic. No but really the weirdo leader and their insane but incredibly loyal underling is like one of my favorite tropes. I just wouldn't alter anything about their relationship. 

Besides if I were to assign Hu Tao and Zhongli a familial bond it would be siblings with a large age gap. Like siblings that are 10+ years apart so the eldest practically helps raise the younger one but it’s not like they are the parent (they have parents) but rather the eldest is a weird person who takes care of the youngest but also makes fun of them within the same minute.

Part of the reason I love Zhongli and Hu Tao is how much trust is in their relationship. Hu Tao states in her story lines that she trusts Zhongli more than anything and considering Zhongli’s influence in the parlor and how he works with Baizhu, trains the other workers and is in charge of all adepti related matters it is safe to say he has a lot of input even though he is just an employee. Xianyun states it is odd for Rex Lapis to work under her but she won’t go against his wishes and that she must be respectable. So even though Zhongl may suggest he is tired of her, for a 6000 year old deity to pick a job and stick with it it must be a damn good job. 

And their interactions are the best, in the 2022 Lantern Rite when Hu Tao told Zhongli to pick her up after she hung out with Zhongli or the fact it seems they always spend Lantern Rite together which is just the best. Or the poetry event where she kept bugging him to be a better judge but Zhongli was too busy praising everybody.

They may not ever say how much they care about each other but the way Hu Tao checks on Zhongli after meeting Furina because she was worried about him just awww. Zhongli is a dusty old encyclopedia man but he is still her beloved consultant who she cares about. Hu Tao may be a child he cannot deal with but he always looks out for her.

Hu Tao and Zhongli are always competing for the top spot in my favorite Zhongli dynamics they are both two characters I really like and I like whenever they are together even more.

[snaililita]

I adore Len and Rin! I have been trying my hand in x readers lately by making a load of Lyney x Reader so why not make some nostalgic (for me at least) Len x Reader🤔? As cringe as it may sound I've been reading all the fics left over by the fandom of old since I was 10 I'm so obsessed with Len>< So I pretty much have a headcanon for everything under the sun about him! So this mini thing will be a breeze:>

Len is a very cautious lover.

Used to all the memes and hate he used to regularly get back when the Vocaloid fandom was rampant; he is very hesitant with just about everything he does lest it become yet another meme and another reason to make fun of him.

As you can guess this leads to major anxiety and constantly feeling like he has done something wrong.

Please don't let him feel this way.

This being said, he is great at recognizing panic/anxiety attacks long before they happen.

He has a tendency to memorize what triggers them and avoids those places/topics entirely.

It's almost like he was built to be some form of anxiety relief android. Maybe he has some beta coding for future therapy androids?

Either way despite his physical age and mindset his is incredibly observant and can read a person pretty well.

He has a tendency to make assumptions though.

Brush his hair and don't tell him he needs to whack his ponytail off.

He'll love you.

Maybe he will let you braid it if you ask nicely.

He owns a saluki named Happy. No questions asked.

No he does not co-own her with Rin. Happy is *his* dog and neither him or the dog will accept otherwise.

If his dog approves of you 9 times outta 10 he will too.

He also likes cats, he and Rin are just allergic.

If you're someone like me and covered in cat hair 24/7, he will sneeze around you all the time.

It's cute though.

Len sneezes are adorable.

He is bad at english/kanji class please help him.

That being said he is a math wizard.

If you're like me and suck at math he can help you don't need to worry.

He would probably just do your homework for you if you ask.

Which is why you shouldn't.

Len has a problem with doing things for others so he'll do just about anything (within reason) for you if he loves you enough.

We already know he would die for his sister if I had to guess he would die for you too if you won him over.

He will take his hoodie off for you and let you wear it. He never takes his hoodies off.

Please please protect him.

Him is verr ee wholesome.

Len has some serious self doubt issues (as I mentioned earlier) so remind him that he *is* talented and that his sister isn't any better than he is.

I mentioned earlier he is good at recognising the signs of a panic attack and I think he is just as prepared to handle them as he is good at sensing them.

If you need words of comfort he can provide you with those but if you just want him to hold you while you cry he can do that too.

He actually prefers the latter because he is afraid he may say something wrong.

He has attachment issues and separation anxiety.

To certain extent he has separation anxiety with his sister and dog but it's not as bad as it is with you.

He gets so nervous and scared. He doesn't like being without you.

He is also super attached to you because you aren't mean to him.

That's probably one of the big reasons he loves you so much; you treat him like a person.

Len gets angry when people say he is a little gay twink.

He likes girls too!

He thinks no matter what's in your pants if your beautiful and kind you are beautiful and kind>:[

Please play minecraft and animal crossing with him♡♡♡

He is often littered with band-aids for no reason. He thinks they look cool lol.

Big cuddler!

Winter and autumn are his favourite seasons because he can cuddle with you in bed and wear layers:)

He has *so* many blankets and he shares all of them with you!

Doesn't mind if you fart in the bed. Doesn't run away squealing in disgust like his sister. Literally could not care less it's no different from a sneeze to him. True manliness right there.

Apple cider is his favourite!

He loves the smell so much his room has diffusers everywhere in it and they all have the scent:)

He also has his windows open a lot of the time!

So it smells like that windy-open-window-bedroom *and* apple cider!

If you open his door without expecting it, it's like being hit in the face with essence of bard. (If you get it you get it.)

Hates anything to do with zombies. They trigger panic attacks in him because he knows he would survive because he is an android but he wouldn't know how to keep you and your loved ones safe.

Not knowing what to do in certain situations enduces anixety and panic attacks in him whether it be an on the spot question from a teacher or just thinking about a situation like such his room.

He cries a lot.

I mean he is adorable and it's impossible to not find him cute when he does cry but he has one of those crying faces that makes you just feel so much guilt and a need to protect him.

Smooch his cheeks when he cries, if you do it enough he cries a little less.

Don't make him bottle up his emotions though, but also help him to stop crying because it's not very good for his eye cameras.

His eyes can glow in the dark by the way.

Every android's can.

But his are so pretty! When they glow they are a bright, electric blue that fades into a slightly deeper shade and they are *so*, SO sparkly!!

Make sure to tell him his sparkle eyes are beautiful✨✨

He has a lot of plushies.

He likes Journey to the West and is a Sun Wukong enthusiast!

He really likes Dragon Ball so he wanted to know about the design origins of Goku and you get the picture.

He doesn't quite understand all the symbolism in JTTW but he still enjoys it regardless because MONKEY KING SMASH!!!

Has a lanyard that he really likes and doesn't take off often.

He has a Vocaloid tomogatchi and the little character in it is the same Rin he has had since he first got it back when they were released.

He can't let his sister die on him!

His sister has one with him in it that she takes just as good care of♡

They may argue all the time but they really do love eachother!

Len and Rin are you best friends and Len is the best, most accommodating boyfriend you could ever ask for so please treasure him and his sister you lucky you!

Handle with care U^U

[tianshiisdead]

While scrolling through your blog I saw a post that said that you don’t like white/Japan ships. I’m curious what are your favorite Japan ships? Personally I think that Turkey/Japan is very underrated as well as most EA/Japan ships. You’re one of my fave EA centric blogs so I’d love to hear your thoughts!

WAHHH ANON THANK U THAT IS SO SWEET ;;;;;;;;;;; I’m giggling and kicking my legs wawah i’m so glad you enjoy my stuff!!

As for Japan ships!! I agree hehe I love turkpan :3 I like when turkpan is like… japan -> <- <- <- turkey, but japan is surprisingly more active about it when they get down to it and turkey is surprisingly quite flustered, I think that’s cute. Honestly I have generally positive feelings towards most Japan ships as long as there’s some history/current relations/interesting parallels to go off of (personal preference, I like leaning into the countries aspect of it) barring the white ships for reasons I listed before (for people who haven’t seen that, it’s fine if you like white/japan etc etc I’m not judging I’m just personally not a fan).

My favourite is fairly obviously nichu, which is my favourite ship in general which I could talk about for ages and in fact have a half-finished essay about, and nichukor/korpan is closely behind that. Since the three of them go way way back and still have a sort of closeness that only countries from a single region can have, in terms of trade and pop culture and movement so on and so forth, outside of fascinating history I also can’t help but think it’s endlessly cute. It’s difficult to take one country without traces of the other, not just from ancient history (so Chinese influence on korpan, Korean influence on Japan, etc etc) but also from the early modern era (Chinese modernity takes a significant amount from Japan due to Chinese intellectuals and many political leaders studying in Japan, leading to things such as many modern terms being loanwords from Japan) and the modern era (The influence Japan’s fashion, pop culture and so on and so forth on China and Korea, the movement of popular trends between the 3 countries, the continued development of loanwords, etc). Of course this is quite normal for countries within one region to have this sort of closeness as well as this sort of mutual dislike, but it’s still very cute to me. Self is defined by the other after all, and for much of history that ‘other’ was each nation’s immediate neighbours, but now in our globalized world a single region has also become a sort of in-group… I think the three of them play off each other well. I like korchu a lot as well :3

I like Mongolia/Japan as well, they share a surprising amount of culture? The biggest example I can think of right now is actually wrestling (lol) there’ve been some really prominent/successful Mongolian Sumo wrestlers in the past! They also share a sort of martial culture for much of history that seem to value similar things, if they set aside their differences they’d have a lot in common I think. Falconry, archery, these are all things common in all of East Asia but seem to have a particular prominence in Mongolia and Japan. And then also Manchuria/Japan, which is as expected quite difficult to talk about and I generally stay away from the topic publicly for obvious reasons, but I’m quite fond of it… I think the modern day situation where Japan has basically forgotten about Manchuria completely is painful-cute and also kind of funny in a dark sort of way. But again… hard to talk about LOL

With regards to Manchuria/Japan, since I have a deep knowledge of this region and am personally from this region, it’s quite a bit easier for me to handle shipping it, but as such I don’t feel as comfortable talking about Japan/Taiwan because of a lack of knowledge/experience means it’s more difficult to treat it sensitively I think 🤔 Although I don’t dislike the ship. I should note I see it as somewhat different from nichukor, who all have way longer histories with each other that balance out the power dynamics in history, so it feels more sensitive and difficult to address.

Thailand/Japan has a lot of potential also I feel, there are some really fun and interesting parallels between Thailand and Japan, as well as the most insanely romancecore letter in the world between the Tokugawa Shogun and King Songtham of Ayutthaya, with King Songtham writing: ‘The existence of a sea separating Thailand and Japan has made contact between our two nations difficult. However, merchant ships of both nations now ply regularly between our two countries, causing relations to become even closer. It is now apparent that you (the Shogun) have sincere affection for us, an affection even stronger than that of our immediate kin.’ And the Shogun 's letter in return wrote: ‘The cordial relations between our two countries cannot be destroyed. Since we both have mutual trust, the existence of a sea between us is not of any significance.’ CUTE… (<- hetaliabrained voice) Well, trade relations wouldn’t last forever but still.

Rapidfire other Japan ships I’ve seen and enjoyed, Brazil/Japan, Pakistan/Japan (kind of a crack ship), Egypt/Japan (<- modern history and orientalism parallels!!!!!!!!!!)

[vivmaek]

CAN'T RELATE? Lets explore why

After posting my 4th house series, I noticed a huge uptick in people informing me that they could not relate to this specific placement. Personally, I find it interesting to find a placement that I can’t relate with because I then get to ask my favorite question, “Why?” Not being able to initially relate with an astrological placement does not make it inaccurate, but rather more complex and multi-layered. I couldn’t relate to my big three upon first read, so I’m going to use examples from my own natal chart to show why this is. I then have a short guide that follows. 

My Sun and Moon are in Leo, and my Ascendent is in Gemini. I didn’t relate with this because from my understanding, Leo and Gemini are incredibly extraverted signs, and I very much am not. I’d think that someone with these placements wouldn’t have the ability to shut up. At the same time, I associated these placements with being wildly entertaining and popular. Now, don’t get me wrong, when I was a child and young teenager I was often told that I was being “too much.” But at the same time, I’ve always felt overlooked and ignored, and have been told time and time again by others that I am shy and unapproachable. 

First, let's look at where Leo and Gemini can be found within my chart. 

I have Leo in the third house - This makes sense to me because the one area in which I’ve always been able to gain attention is through writing. I am a parental figure to my sibling, and shined within the classroom during elementary school/middle school. 

I have another Gemini placement in Saturn, positioned within the twelfth house - This explains a lot. I think the majority of my introverted qualities come from this placement. My father (who has many Gemini placements btw) was absent and traveling across the world while I was growing up, I had to take on a lot of responsibility at a young age. This also gives me a harsh inner critic, I am really mean to myself during social situations.

Because my Ascendent is in Gemini, we now have to look at my Mercury placements because Gemini is ruled by Mercury. 

My Mercury is in Virgo - I think this offers me a sense of practicality and brings me down to earth. 

My Mercury is in the fourth house - This is what makes me a homebody. I feel like I am my truest self at home and feel most comfortable here. With my Moon being in Leo (moon rules over the fourth house), I truly do my best creative and intellectual work from home. I express myself the best here, and I do show off the more fun qualities of Leo and Gemini in private rather than public. 

Now, let's look at Aspects to my Sun, Moon, Mercury, and Ascendant 

My Sun placement has aspects with Mars and Uranus. This may give people reason to think that I am unapproachable. 

My Moon is also aspecting both Mars and Uranus, double whammy lol.  

My Mercury placement is aspecting all four generational planets. This is going to have a heavy effect upon the light and breezy energy of Mercury. 

I also have Mars and Uranus aspecting my Ascendant. People always think I am more intimidating than I actually am, or they expect me to be a mean bully! It honestly hurts my feelings because I try my best to always be kind! 

Finally, what are the degrees of my Sun, Moon and Ascendant?

All three placements are on a cusp and placed within the third decan. The energies of my Sun, Moon and Ascendant are going to be more mature so I can finalize important lessons during this lifetime. 

A quick guide: 

What's the sign? - Take a close look at the sign of said placement. Can it be found within other parts of your natal chart? How many times does it appear? 

What planets are ruling over this placement? - Pay attention to house rulership. For example, the fourth house is ruled by the moon. So when looking at your fourth house placement, also think about how that interacts with your moon placement. More information can be found through the planetary rulership of a sign, find that planet in other areas of your natal chart. 

Aspects - Look to the aspects of that placement. I have many aspect descriptions posted on my masterlist, if anyone is curious. 

Degrees - Degree placements can reveal highly specific lessons and challenges. 

(I feel a bit uncomfortable using my own natal chart, but I learn best through example and I know other people do too. I hope seeing how I broke down my own chart is helpful. Otherwise, I hope this guide can help bridge some gaps in relatability. )

[puzzleddonkey]

The Boss

Wanted a way to add the main Rabbids of the Mario crossover in a way that didn't change them too much, especially keeping their combat skills. So why not create a rabbid gang that they're a part of, one led by that one ugly-ass large rabbid from RRR2. Also decided to give a reason for so many conflicting rabbids of power despite there being an emperor (Jabbid), that reason being that the emperor is in a coma, which created a massive power vacuum within the rabbid empire. Since age means nothing to the creatures of the glade my fanon will have the rabbid emperor as the original ruler of all rabbid kind. He wasn't a good ruler, but he wasn't a bad one either, his only orders being more forms of entertainment and more food. The fateful day that all Rabbids snapped would have been the day the creatures of the Glade pulled their cruelest prank against the bunnies, which was to trick their emperor into eating tons upon tons of fireworks. As a result, the emperor, as all Rabbids describe it, "exploded and went everywhere". His injury would create the fury that has mutated The rabbids of today. Creatures of the glade who've heard of the fall of the rabbids all reach the same assumption, that the cruel prank was the first and only thing to have killed a rabbid. It was a horrible thought to all who dwelled on it, but unbeknownst to them, the emperor was still alive, the injury only knocking him out so severely that he hadn't woken up for centuries (how did they only slip into a coma fully intact when during the event they quite literally blew up into a million disgusting pieces? I dont know, I'm not a rabbid). This incident would mark the start of the rabbid dictatorshi ruled by the one-red-eyed rabbid, which evolved all rabbid kind to alien-like heights. Other powerful figures under the rule of The Dictator would be born, Pink The Exterminator, and Sergei The Commander. Unfortunately, both would inevitably be defeated by Rayman. Which prompted their flee from the Glade and rushed Invasion of Earth. The two secondary leader's failures would force them to avoid taking part in their new Earth-related task, allowing a new secondary leader to be appointed. The Boss. He would be responsible for guiding rabbids into the assimilation of human culture. And he would be very successful, however with his success came the decline of the rabbid dictatorship. No more tasks left The Boss out of a role. Which was upsetting enough for them before they would suddenly be banished from the Mothership when the barrancos took rule. He was deeply offended, but with that offense came the idea that he was better off without the empire, deciding to start his own. A gang settled in the deepest sewers of New York, aggressive but not at all human despising, they just take and do whatever they wanted. It was a fulfilling community even with their immoral customs. However, when suddenly all Rabbids were being recalled to the Mothership for war, they would not only refuse but promise to ensure no rabbid was being dragged back to that hell hole for pointless wrath. The Rabbid Resistance would be created. They would shelter and protect the rabbids who did not want to return to the mothership, having fought off many trained soldiers with their own trained grunts. The most powerful and skilled of them all were...I haven't given them designs or names yet, but basically the main rabbid cast of the Mario crossover lol (Mario, Luigi, Peach, Rosalina, and Yoshi). The other Rabbids depicted as enemies in the game would be the trained soldiers/assassins of the Rabbid Dictatorship in the fanon, all given the task to retrieve the resisting Rabbids by force to suffer the consequences of their refusal to join the war. The most skilled and powerful of them all would, of course, be the spark hunters in different names and designs, all just titled "hunters". They would've been trained by Lady Beauté herself (gives reason to why they're all not only feminine presenting but extremely sadistic).

[soapisahimbo]

Hi, I’m totally the person that had no clue who konig was. I’m pretty new to this fandom and to writing these characters, do you have any tips on writing them? (I need total help writing anything about Simon he’s so distinct)

Oof, I mean I can try, I'm not really good with tips 😂 we'll go at them one at a time, yeah? Keep in mind that this is just my personal interpretation of these characters and that others might not agree to these at all lol

Soap can easily be written off as comic relief, and he is sometimes, but I think his humour and timing comes from a place of wanting to make others feel at ease, to calm the nerves. He wants others to see him as easygoing because he wants them to be comfortable around him. He's very friendly and very respectful of people's boundaries and does his absolute best not to cross them, and he also expects others to respect his. He's loyal to a fault and cares a lot about his teammates, which makes it that much more contrasting when he's faced with someone he doesn't trust. All that friendliness and warmth and banter is long gone. He's smarter and sharper than others might think, calculative and quick on his feet, adjusts and adapts quickly. A lot of people think he's just the clown of the team, but it's easy to be fooled, and he uses that to his advantage.

Simon is definitely a challenge to write. Just don't fall for the "I can fix him"-narrative. He's been through a lot of intense trauma and he's very hardened because of it. He's not going to just randomly open up one day - gaining his trust can be a long and arduous process, and while it is strong when gained, it's near impossible to regain when lost. He keeps even his closest people at arm's length, mainly for his own safety in case someone were to turn on him, because he knows that anyone can have the capacity to stab him in the back. He does care, though. He's not an emotionless robot, he just doesn't let much, if anything, show. If he does, it's subtle. He can also, kind of like Soap, revert to humour to ease tension and nerves, and it usually works, but not because his jokes are actually funny. His humour is just very dark and dry, and people are usually just surprised that he even makes jokes that it snaps them out of whatever anxiety they were feeling in the first place (he thinks he's a comedic genius). Otherwise he's very cold, very methodical, there is very little that can disturb him or make him uneasy. Shuts his emotions off and moves quickly on, even if he's hurting.

Gaz can also be a bit of a challenge, mostly because he tends to sit on the backburner for a lot of people in the fandom. Has a very strong sense of justice and fairness, wants to do good by his team, his friends, the world. Loyal to a fault, much like Soap, but not blind. He'll question even his highest superiors if he thinks something is amiss. Incredibly attentive and attuned to who and what's around him, very little actually passes under his radar. He's quite friendly though, and can crank up the charm when needed (or wanted). He's cheeky, likes to push buttons to see what elicits the funniest response, although he's careful not to take it too far. He doesn't need to try hard to make others feel at ease, they just do. Also gets underestimated because of his young age, and because others think he's Price's lap dog, but Price brought him into the team for a damn good reason. He's quite a force to be reckoned with.

Alejandro is... hot. And I don't mean that like "sexy", I mean that as like, his manners, his sense of justice, his morals - it's a constantly burning fire within him, and he gains people's loyalty by that fire. He warms others up by that fire. He always finds something to keep fighting for, and he wants others to find that as well. Complacency is humanity's biggest enemy in his eyes. He cares greatly about his team, knows every single person in Los Vaqueros by heart and would give his life to save even just one of them. He wishes he could spend more time with his family, but what he does, he does to keep them safe. He leans very much into that "traditional masculinity" of being the protector, not because he thinks he has to be, but rather because he wants to be. He knows all the telltale signs of a good fighter, and he knows how to turn the good into the best. Very courteous, very clever, almost irrevocably loyal, hot-blooded and strong. He's the guy you want on your side.

Rodolfo is honestly very tricky for me to write because there's not as much info on him as the other characters. He's quite similar to Gaz in a lot of ways - he wants to do good, he wants to help, he wants to leave the world a better place than it was when he entered it. Blindly loyal to Alejandro and to Los Vaqueros, but only because he knows with his entire being that they would never betray him. He's incredibly dependable and trustworthy, eager to fight what he considers to be the good fight. He can be quite disarming and very charming, a bit reserved, and rarely comes across as any sort of threat to anyone. He's calm, levelheaded, attentive and is the type to stand by quietly and listen and that is why, I think, he's also underestimated. But just like Soap, he's smart and sharp, and just like Gaz, he's a force to be reckoned with.

I think people tend to forget that König is actually terrifying. Yes, he has severe social anxiety and he tries his best to shrink himself down, but social anxiety is not the same as shyness, and he's been trained to be ruthless on the battlefield. Even if it can make him self-conscious, he knows how to use his size to his advantage, and he is frighteningly agile considering how big he is. He keeps to himself, with the exception of a select few that he sticks to, doesn't say much unless spoken to. Has a tendency to just loom over everyone without meaning to. He's also the type to stare, but only because he's paying attention and he forgets that a 6'10 giant hooded figure standing in the shadows like 🧍‍♂️is usually nightmare fuel to most people. His view on justice can be a bit skewed because he's been taught not to ask questions. He's been manipulated by his peers and superiors for their own ulterior motives and he's been trained to believe that he's just a tool to be used, so while he doesn't lack confidence, the idea of self-worth is not one he's very familiar with.

I don't know how helpful this is or if these can even be considered tips, but I hope it can be of some assistance at least 😅

[heartlurch]

hello heart! how are you ?? i was wondering with the bakaneko ryokan au… if nene was to go into cat heat like normal cats do.. how would she act?? would she temporarily just stay in a room until it goes away.. or would amane tempt her into getting rid of it?

mfw I get this ask and I get to talk about Bakeneko Ryokan AU and also hananene cat sex~ 😇 Heehoo...

Let's start out with, I do genuinely think Nene-chan experiences heat cycles in this world. My overall HC for the bakeneko is that they're behaviorally identical to normal cats, as a bakeneko starts their life as ordinary cats before essentially aging into a proper yokai. For a lot of Nene's life, she was a normal domestic girlie, eating kibbles, playing with her touys. I think the transition into bakeneko status grants more human-level sapience, magical qualities, kind of elevating them.

This creates an interesting creature, as I do not think bakeneko themselves identify as humans, but they are now a bit different from their fellow cats. I imagine they feel a sort of superiority above both species, basically like if a cat had access to human commodities and magic, feeling beyond the capabilities of both. Yet able to still indulge in batting a toy mouse around or eating treats from squeeze-tube. A funny life, in that way. Best of both worlds?

Soo, I do not think Nene is ashamed of her heat cycle, as it's something she's lived with for years by now. Though I think it is perhaps inconvenient, and potentially a little embarrassing at times, as she IS seeking to be famous, draw in ikeman toms. Ideally, Nene would want to come off as cool, mature, elegant. A seductress... Maybe it is hard to feel that way when dealing with the urge to yowl and scrabble along the ground. Confidence takes time. Perhaps in her wildest fantasies, she's at the center of a frenzy, with toms circling around her and taking turns, but I don't think she's close to achieving anything like that yet lol. She just got here. All in due time, she might think. (Not quite, sweetie.) But in the meantime...

Sakura is an experienced bakeneko and has long run this establishment. There seems to be a casual mix of regular cats (?) and bakeneko... I think she is quite aware of her species predilections, is generous about time off. Nene could request that within reason and just be granted some time to, do whatever she has to. So the next step is to hole herself up and try to ride it out. Being a bakeneko might lend enough self-control to isolate and take precautions, not wanting to get entangled with just anyone.

Now the devil in the room here is 1. heat makes you crazy and just want to have sex whatever the cost 2. you have a pervert coworker that is explicitly interested in you, hovering within your vicinity.

IMO Amane's personality works heinously well as a tomcat, wielding a sort of terrible charm along with being jealous and clingy, the type to harass... More unleashed than canon boy, able to express himself in things such as marking territory. Doesn't help that Amane seems to be a nekomata, something more powerful and insidious than the bakeneko — easy to think he imagines himself really controlling this space. (Much like he is the leader of the mysteries.) I really think of him obsessively patrolling, spraying against all sorts of features of the ryokan, fences, the rocks, trees, out and about. High tail as he trots around in feral form.

As is often the case with HanaNene I feel as though Amane being some. Scrappy, scraggly little black cat, with such a shitty demeanor is like, not, what Nene envisions as 'her type'. He's not quite, impressive or gentlemanly enough to make her want to give in to his flirting. A bit kimochi warui... But ultimately she does like him, they have their little joint routines to welcome guests, doing dances, they can roll around and play with toys together, heh.

It's emphasized Nene is a new hostess here, in-training, likely with Amane himself overseeing her integration into the ryokan. I don't get the impression they've known each other very long. We're seeing a girl pretty early on in the wear-down arc that Iro-sensei likes to write (lol.) So I feel as though their closeness is progressing at a steady rate... It's a playful dynamic, currently, but hasn't escalated to something more intimate. Perhaps they are on the cusp of 'something more'...

Beyond that though there's a weird contingency in this AU where Amane is fanning Nene-chan's bloodlust for humans. Psychologically this is madness because he has a secret human 'brother' here. It makes me feel like Nene is being messed with, unbeknownst to her... Whatever his motives are, they are bad. She sounds impatient, needy and demanding, wanting to eat a human, and Amane is there like rubbing her shoulders about it, IDK, this is really weird. I do not think this is quite the same as wanting to eat food, I think it is perhaps more comparable to a supernatural, magnetic pull, the way a vampire craves human blood for example. (At least, that's more likely to be depicted as an affinity beyond liking, sushi, yk?)

How to say... Amane feels like he is 'in charge' of Nene, guiding her, mentoring her, and kind of predatory about it... He is a more powerful, long-lived entity, and has more experience than she does with things. I feel as though he regards her as something he will eventually conquer — it's not about 'if' she'll have him, just When. He's also just a nasty guy so I do think he is very keyed into her physical status, awaiting her heat, intending to to intercept her once it commences. Certainly, Amane isn't going to let anyone else make a move... A guy with a plan.

Right before Nene would take time off, I think Amane would kind of catch wind of something, just ah, attuned to a shift in scent. (He smells her frequently, rudely.) This is like ✔Amane will remember that. Bookmarks you in my mind. Once informed she will not be working for a while it's like naruhodo... Now a smarter girlie would perhaps leave the premises, to not be accessible by This Guy Specifically, but alas. I don't think it occurs to her... So I think it's really easy for Amane to swoop in. Whether he directly knocks on her door, or stakes out her room until she leaves it, follows her on her way to the mess hall or the baths... Anything like that. (Though amusingly enough, if he was at her door, I feel like Nene would hide under a cabinet all wide-eyed. N-no, not him... *licks lips nervously*) Once she actually comes into contact with him, it's a quick descent — not able to meaningfully resist... You know, suddenly that smooth, low purr of a voice is hypnotic, the invasive touches on her shoulder prickle heat. Mrrarhhh...

Now what I like about ♀️cats is their fussiness, how they're attitude gets like... [yowls] [running up against, tail pushed to the side invitingly] [but like HISSES... SLAPS!!] As needy as Nene is, I think she will not like being messed with too long, like don't play with my hair and make eyes at me, this is serious-!! She'll be like ONEGAI!! I'm... CAN'T TAKE IT!! Cries!! Baps your face. Which only fuels Amane's condescension, now it's like oooh she's got it bad, poor thing clicks tongue... You really need my help... Well, OK, even when you act like that, I can be nice to you. ❤ He would just enjoy feeling so in control, here to alleviate a girl, shh shhh... You can rely on me. ❤ I'll treat you reeeeal nice...❤❤

For first times I like to think about human forms, almost for the most finesse, Amane fingering her a lil, penetrating, messing with loosening her yukata and undoing her hair, all these things he's wanted to do but hasn't been able to. Show, me your boobs, thanks... Rarar. But I think there's a basic satisfaction in feral sex that they'd both enjoy, alternating between sex, grooming, rolling around, flirting. Hissing, slap slap slap, purr purr...

I also like thinking about interactions between feral and human form, but that would take more trust in their dynamic. I think Nene has a little bit of dignity, if Amane holds her as a kittycat she like is difficult about it lol, I can imagine like. Letting you touch her pussy like that, is kinda, off-limits, but when accessed it's quite blissful... Able to lounge in lap, get massaged across her body, smackled a bit on her sides. I THINK her size even means some penetration can happen in this state, get a fingertip in, bump sheath against. (I'm INDULGENCE, I like to think of cat pp even in human form...) On the flip side I think Amane is quite open to being messed with as a cat, though honestly because I feel as though he's soo comfortable with Tsukasa and they are already interspecies freaks doing god knows what. Amane perhaps far too ready to hump your face, like this. Hm... Well whenever you're ready, Nene.

Naturally they'd tend to be inclined to have sex in short bursts, taking breaks between, which I think they'd enjoy, but I also think there'd be a point of wanting to push past the simple biological imperative. I kind of think of Amane as a fetishistic weirdo, too used to his human and into human behaviors... Doesn't want to only mess with Nene when she is heat, it'd actually be sad to him, if she always needed like, a biological trigger. Can be FUN, enjoy interfacing with it, but definitely intends to go beyond that, as they get closer. As a result I think Nene will be really taken on a ride, it'd feel like marathon sex with this creep. The event horizon is Tsukasa gets involved and that's... going to be weird, what with the prey-drive firing of. ? Food ? Sex ? At once ? ?? ? How strange... (All subconscious though, I think Nene would be kept in the dark for a while. And she is like not so, smart, in this world, I thinks.)

And those are... my little thoughts. :3c

[maple-the-awesome]

Birthday Wish ||

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 2,749

Requested by @sourpatchspinster: Hi hun,ay I make a request please? It's my birthday coming up in a month and I'll be 30 🙃, I'm totally having an existential crisis about it. Can I have a fluffy fic about the reader turning 30 and she is just being very dramatic like ... , She's single and think she going to die alone lol, but Bucky and his 106 year old ass tell it's going to be okay and she not going to die alone because he loves. Sorry this very specific, but I'm having a moment lol

I love this idea (mainly because I've had this same moment before😔). Here you go, sweetie, and I hope you have an amazing birthday 🥳

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You should be happy. The weather's perfect and everyone you care about is near, many of whom you haven't seen in what feels like ages. There's also not a single threat in sight; no rouge super soldiers threating peace nor murderous aliens threating existence itself. It's just your friends singing 'Happy Birthday' terribly yet purposefully off key while being all smiles and laughter; a look so foreign for the Avengers these days. So, you should be happy...but you're not.

Three zero. Your hatred for the number only grows the longer you stare at those red and white candles. It's insane to think that as a child, you actually looked forward to turning thirty. What the heck was wrong with you then? No sane person wants to be thirty! When you turn sixteen, you can get a driver's license, turn eighteen to be considered a legal adult, and at twenty-one you can finally drink alcohol. What happens at thirty? Nothing except more body pains in places you'd never expect and the terrifying reminder that the clock is ticking down.

Staring at those two cursed candles, you wonder if they'll reverse time if you wish hard enough. Perhaps you could even pull Stephan aside later and strike some kind of bargain, begging him to work some of his wizard magic to make you younger somehow...No, you doubt he'll do that. He was already complaining earlier about the entire fiasco that occurred after he tried helping Spiderman. With Stephan not being an option, you're really just going to have to wish with all your might.

Alas, nothing happens when you suck in a breath and blow out the tiny flames; nothing except the cheers of the crowd as they’re the only ones celebrating your new age. Not wanting to hurt their feelings nor burden them with your inner worries on such an joyous occasion, you put on your best smile. You're happy, that's all they need to know at least.

Being the birthday girl, you get your first pick of a cake slice, deciding to feed that inner child within by getting the slice with the most intact cookie on top. From there you slip past the group, finding a quiet spot on the porch of the Wilson home where you can eat in peace and alone...as you worry you'll be spending the rest of your life.

In the past (meaning up until earlier last month), you've tried not to worry too much over the status of your love life. You went on dates and tried your best to land a guy without any red flags, but on its own that can be a difficult, time consuming task which only gets worse when added to your busy life as an Avenger. It doesn't help that you pretty much took a five year hiatus during the Blip, only managing to go on one or two dates during that time before realizing you're too depressed to try.

Now that the Blip is over and everyone is back, you've been trying to slowly get back onto the dating scene with little luck. Before you could usually find a guy or two who peaked your interest enough to warrant other dates or even the eventual title of boyfriend, but now you can't even recall the last time you’ve called a guy back after the first date. Did the Blip change you that much? Has your age made you more picky? Or perhaps...

To be honest, if you allowed yourself to dwell on it long enough, you'd realize there's a reason for why you had such a hard time dating during the Blip and why no guy has seemed to spark a light inside your heart afterwards. It's because deep down inside, your heart already knows exactly what type of guy it longs for right down to the name no one else has been able to compete with.

It isn't that you're necessarily blind to this fact, only that you're too stubborn to admit it. You’re thirty years old today which means you're also officially a beggar who can't be a chooser and far too old to hold onto a stupid school girl crush. It doesn't matter what your heart wants to make of all those gentle touches or the playful flirting that surrounds your purely platonic relationship; it won't wash away the line carved in stone and the sooner you cut that pesky rope of hope, the sooner you can return to your quest of actually finding someone before you end up being too old to grow old with them.

"Is the cake not good?" At this point you're certain Bucky hangs around watching you just in waiting to approach at the worst possible time. There's no other reason for him to drop whatever argument Sam and him had been having just to walk over to you with a teasing smile that looks way too mischevious to hold any ounce of innocence; like he knows he's caught you thinking about something forbidden even if that's impossible.

Luckily, he concludes by the way you lift your head with a raised eyebrow that you hadn’t heard his question properly. Poking his fork into his own cake slice, he nods towards yours," the cake? Do you not like it? I had no idea which to get; there were like fifty there. I honestly just got Oreo because I like it, but I probably should've had Sam pick one out-"

His last comment seems scolded more towards himself, but you cut him off by quickly scooping up another piece of the ice-cream cake which had already began to melt," no, no. It's good...You did a good job picking it."

Bucky smiles more at this, although he doesn't leave. Instead, he hovers there mere feet in front of you like a child waiting to annoy their mom over something. You, meanwhile, fight to keep your eyes on the plate, only barely glancing up to notice his eyes lingering over the sliver of space beside you. Getting the message, you scoot over," wanna sit?"

"Yeah...Yeah, I do," he chuckles in embarrassment before gratefully sitting beside you. Despite the amount of room you've provided him with, he still decides to sit close enough to have his arm and leg rub up against yours; a usual habit you've noticed he has not that it means anything.

The two of you eat together in silence, enjoying how nice the cool treat tastes against the warm weather. Everyone else has migrated into different groups to share conversations while Clint's kids and Sam's nephews chase circles around the adults. You actually manage to smile at the sight, happy to see everyone back with their families after so much recent heartache, however the feeling doesn't last long before being bittered.

You're thirty years old without a partner. How much longer will it take to find Mr. Right, and how long will it take for the relationship to progress into something considered stable? While marriage is optional these days as is the concern over concrete long term plans, there’s always the possibility that you might decide to start a family with your future partner. Will you be too old to get pregnant by then? Would even adoption prove to be too much?

"You alright, doll?" Doll...Another habit of Bucky's that means nothing aside from a prick to your heart at such a vulnerable moment.

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"You seem...distant," he notes, following your eyes to the group of kids who've successfully dragged Scott into their game of tag," is the party too much?"

"No, it's been great and I've enjoyed getting to see everyone again. I just..." You cut yourself off with a shake of your head, not wanting to get into it. Instead you pick up your plastic solo cup and fiddle with the smooth edge in desperate search for a good excuse," I haven't really gotten much done this week, so I'm gonna need to play catch up. I haven't been grocery shopping yet, 'need to clean the house...I might even update my dating profile, who knows?"

You mention the last part while lifting the soda to your lips and taking a long drink, ignoring the sudden change in Bucky's facial expression which scrunches up as if he has just been asked to solve a difficult math equation.

"...Dating profile, huh?" If you didn't know any better, you'd say his echoed words sound forced, but you don't dwell on that.

"Yeah, ya' know...Thirty's pretty old. I'd like to find a guy before I run out of time..." You hate how pathetic your voice gets with each word, reflecting your inner concern more than you'd prefer.

You really don't want to seem dramatic especially in front of someone you respect as much as Bucky, but you can't help yourself. You've lost count to how many times people have joked about your old age just today alone, never realizing the jabs they’re causing to your confidence not that they can really be blamed. This is the first time all day where someone's noticed your inner demons and it's making you fall apart at the seams.

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that."

"Huh? What?" You raise an eyebrow, slightly offended at the way Bucky turns away and takes a drink from his beer bottle with a look of mild interest if it can even be called that.

"That you said 'thirty's pretty old', 'cause if you're old at thirty and running out of time, then that means I'm ancient and out of luck," he wears a smirk nearly identical to the teasing one from before, however the more you stare at him, the more different it seems. It's almost like there's a hidden pain of his own bitterness against the curl of his lips.

"...Well, I hate to break it to you, Barnes, but you probably do belong in a museum-"

"-Hey!"

"Don't 'hey' me. You're like what? A hundred?"

He bites his lip and looks away with a stubborn whisper,"...a hundred and six."

"Ancient," despite your sour mood, you still manage to smile at the way he nudges your arm playfully. This smile fades only slightly as you stare down at the dark liquid rippling in your hands, preparing to be a bit more serious with your next topic," but even so, I don't think you have as much to worry about."

"Why not?" He's generally curious, facing you fully once more with a cute raise of his eyebrow.

"Ancient people have mirrors in their apartments, right?" You pause solely to get a good look at his frown before carry on," because I find it hard to believe you'd have any problem getting a date with your looks. Even the other day when we went down to the docks to help Sam with his boat, there were girls giggling about you. I bet if you stood on the side of the street with a sign that said 'please date me', there'd be a line of men and women wrapping around Louisiana."

"I don't get that much attention," He leans back against the stairs, propping his leg up and bringing his beer to his lips yet never actually taking a drink. If anything, he's just using it to hide his face from you while pretending to be watching the party from a distance.

"You get all the attention. Everyone knows that...but if you don't believe me, we can do a vote-"

"-Nope. No need for that...Just sit your ass down, doll," you go to stand only for Bucky to grab your arm in a hurry and pull you back down, his cheeks dusted from what you assume is embarrassment as you laugh. Shifting uncomfortably, he mumbles," if that's your logic, then you shouldn't have much trouble with dates yourself."

"What makes you say that?" Now you're the one confused.

"Old people have mirrors in their apartments, right?" He quotes you from earlier, bashfully glancing your way for only a second before turning to pick at the peeling paint on the steps," you're a beautiful gal not to mention you're funny and caring along with countless other things- what I'm trying to say is, guys should be lining up around the block for a chance to date you."

There's a heat to your cheeks at his words, however you're quick to remind yourself of their worth as a simple build up from a good friend. Instead of letting them sink into your already fizzy heart, you curl your knees to your chest and shake your head," the problem isn't getting dates with guys, it's finding the right guy...Every time I go, I find something that doesn't work for me. I don't like his style or laugh. I don't feel anything when he holds my hand or kisses my cheek. It just always ends up feeling...wrong. Like..."

"...Like you're meant to be there with someone else?" You're shocked at how fitting Bucky's words are, a reaction he notes. Flustered, he gives a shrug while sitting up straight again," I get that. I went on a date not too long ago and ended up leaving half way through because I couldn't stop thinking about someone else."

"...Oh...?" You frown, fiddling with your fingers in mock distraction," why not just ask that 'someone else' out then?"

Bucky hums absentmindedly, certain you missed the way he glances at you a few different times in the corner of his eyes while weighing his choices in response. It feels like a good minute goes by, one where you watch the party in a somewhat tense atmosphere as if both of you are aware the conversation has hit the same stubborn door you’ve always somehow managed to find. It's a door that appears whenever Bucky leans his arm over your shoulders during movie nights or the way his words trail off as you both stand close enough to feel each others breath while enjoying the sunset on Sam's boat; a door that reminds you both that to pass through would be to cross that stone line of a platonic relationship into something not meant for friends.

"...I think she might be too old for me," Bucky finally confesses, his voice purposefully low to allow fate to decide whether or not you hear.

Fate decides that you do, shown through your confusion," too old for you? What girl is too old for a hundred and six year old man? Are you checking out the ladies at a retirement home or something?”

He shrugs, leaning forward slightly while cupping his hands together," I don't know…I just heard her say thirty is pretty old."

You blink once then twice, letting his words sink in," you..."

Chewing his bottom lip, he refuses to steal glances at you anymore, instead beginning to feel the suffocation of regret set in," look, I get it if you’re not interested. It’s weird, I mean, we’re friends and teammates, but I…I really like you, doll, and if you’d give me the chance, I’d like to be the first guy in line for a date with you- If not then that’s fine. I won’t bring it up again, I promise. I-”

“-I’m free Friday…”

“H-Huh?”

“Friday night. I’m, uh, free if you’d like to go out then,” you rub the back of your neck shyly, your face feeling like it’s on fire as Bucky stares at you in surprise.

It takes some time for your words to process in his head, the outcome where you agree to a date having never actually been considered for some reason. He figured it would be a longshot, one against his better judgment that would possibly ruin your friendship, but not in a good way; not in this way.

“Friday night,” he echoes breathlessly before seeming to snap back into it, his voice noticeably more uplifted as he nods frantically,” right, Friday, I can do that. Uh, how about we go dancing? Do guys still take girls dancing? I don’t have any idea how this modern dating thing works.”

You chuckle at his eagerness, finally finding the courage to look at him with an uncontrollable smile of your own,” I think any date would be amazing with you- as long as you don't take me to a bingo night somewhere that is."

“...Bingo's actually kind of fun, doll.”

“Maybe you are too old for me.” 

“Hey!”

You laugh, standing up from the porch with your empty plate and cup in hand," Friday night dancing...It's a date then, Barnes. I'm looking forward to it."

Going on a date with Bucky might not be what you wished for today, but it's something far better, that's for sure...Maybe turning thirty isn't actually that bad after all.

[butterfrogmantis]

what the hell do archie and skelly have going on lol

FDJSKFKS GOOD FUCKING QUESTION

I don't.

I don't know fjdkf

The best way I can (and have in the past) described it is 'married in all forms except legal and physical' and what I mean by that is there's no canonical romantic relationship but they're basically a package deal at this point and act like a married couple but their official status is /p besties because Butters is a coward and denies the "Archie [REDACTED] [REDACTED]" allegations (//inside joke).

When I first made Skelly I thought he was gonna be a kind of 'draw him, think about him once every three years and never again' and for a while he was, it wasn't UNTIL I realised how funny it would be to have a skeleton and an archaeologist as friends that I started to actually develop Skelly and the historical brothers more so I can no longer separate the 3 of them. And I do love Pal also but he's slightly less relevant to Skelly since Pal's thing is dinos.

Anyway back to topic, Skelly and Archie's original dynamic was gonna be 'Archie wants to study him, Skelly hates his guts' but now it's 'Archie wants to study him, Skelly hates this aspect but otherwise loves Archie (not romantic or queerplatonic but a secret third thing- carbon dating)'

For some reason romancing a skeleton seems weirder than say. A ghost or vampire? Character dates thousand year old ghost/vampire? Cool pop off a love story for the ages no one finds this weird. Skeleton? Eyebrow raise, someone's going to jail. The lack of flesh perhaps? Skelly is a fully sentient / sapient being after all he just lacks ... errrr skin, organs and muscles. Tho that never stopped the Sans fangirls.

But more so than that the dynamic is just twice as funny if they're not ACTUALLY dating but everyone thinks they are / jokes are made around the topic. Like I'll make 1 million jokes that are shippy in nature without it actually being a 'thing'.

Now Archie DID have a crush on Swashbuckler that much was canon. But that exists within a fraction of a small part of a 'going back in time' part of an au and isn't super relevant other than to be the morally correct version /lh . It's like a weird love triangle where there's only two characters and Archie is down bad for Swashbuckler but "come on dude Skelly's a corpse" - but on his end, Skelly has some canonical jealousy issues surrounding Archie (noted in particular towards Rafflesia but that may because she's a more socially acceptable form of undead)

As far as BV goes they exist in a sort of outside the venn diagram situation where literally any dynamic between them goes it just depends on the day and mood they're in. (I'm in, I'm the one making the dumb bone jokes) It's like a weird red string of fate thing they're life partners but not life partners. Just some guy and his skeleton tombmate. Roommate. Oh my god they were shroommates.

There's also gonna be an issue of Archie's gonna die one day and that's really gonna fuck Skelly up because it'll be one of the first deaths since his reanimation that's gonna hurt. Maybe give it a thousand years and get a new necromancer to bring back SkeleArchie then we can have this convo again.