#also my fault bc i used to be so repressed and then after that there was a period where due to trauma stuff i couldnt handle it at all.

[rodrickheffley]

i wish i had more friends in general but the fact that i have no friends to discuss my sex life with is soo tragic

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am I the asshole for being kinda mean.

I know the title sounds kinda bad off the bat but I don't really have another way of describing it.

I (19NB) struggle a lot with mental health issues. I won't go in detail, but I have autism and bpd. I grew up in a culture that does NOT like discussing these things, and my parents don't believe that my mental health issues are real. Because of this I've developed kind of a complex about talking about my mental health, I know it's unhealthy but I don't actually repress it, it's just a case of I don't like to tell friends (online or in person) anything about my mh at all until I'm sure I can trust them. I also really dislike "therapy speak", mainly bc I've had it weaponised against me in the past, though I recognise it is sometimes an important tool. Another final bit of context is that I did not use any social media at all up until 2022 after having not used socials since I was around 12, due to mh reasons.

I joined a fandom space I'd been casually lurking in since 2019 as an attempt to break into creating art in 2022. At first, everything was smooth sailing. I made a close knit group of friends fast, and everything was all good. Then, out of the blue one day, a friend of mine posted something that was quite triggering to me. It could've played as a joke but also used dark humor I found triggering. Now, one issue I have is that when I get triggered, rather than getting upset or panicky, I usually first get angry, then later deal with those symptoms. I snapped at this friend, then apologised and left the server, saying I didn't want to risk saying anything stupid.

I was dmed by multiple friends of mine telling me I had been horrible to them and made them cry . I don't think I said anything horrible. I think my words were close to "Hey, that's a fucked up thing to laugh at, and actually very fucking triggering for some of us lol" Passive aggressive and a bit mean? Sure. But I apologised almost immediately and I didn't think it was anything to cry over. One friend dmed me to tell me that "humor was their coping mechanism" and I "disrespected their coping mechanism". I attempted to explain that their joke had been triggering to me and that's why I reacted the way I did . Around 5 people dmed me at once while I was in a vulnerable state to tell me that I was being horrible and they couldn't believe I was so mean. I tried to distract myself, but people were getting mad at me for going offline, and it upset me so much.

One of my friends, A, who is from my country texted me to defend me, saying everyone who is mad are just Americans and I agreed bc I felt that way. They seemed like they were only taking into account this person's feelings because they were openly crying and like. Not playing victim but being more vulnerable than I was? This person talked about their mental health often and people would comfort them, but as soon as I was triggered and lashed out it was my fault for being horrible? I ended up apologising, since I really did feel bad for snapping at them, I really just didn't think it was that big of a deal. Some of those people never spoke to me again and I never rejoined the discord. A and I made our own discord later that some of the people who still talked to me joined and we are still friends.

What are these acronyms?

[dustteller]

I've been working on a fix-it fanfic this weekend bc I think our protagonists deserve happiness (well, they don't, but I want them to be, ok??). Here's the first scene I've written as a sneak peak! (And also a summary of wtf is going on, bc otherwise the scene makes no sense)

She Who Became The Sun AU were Ouyang didn't get the chance to kill Chaghan, and as a result, his plans took longer to unfold. This gives them time for 1) Esen to process his disilusionment with his father and start realizing how shitty he is, 2) Wang Baoxiang tries to be petty and pissed at Esen and basically just tells him how uncomfortable he makes Ouyang sometimes. This backfires spectacularly. Baoxiang will never forgive himself for being the one that got Ouyang a relationship. 3) Esen gets to actually see Ouyang start spiraling, and 4) Esen finally realizing and coming to terms with his own dumbassery. I genuinely believe he was getting there in canon, his father's death just derailed the impending development. With more time and pressure I think both he and Ouyang would have managed to truly become the cringefail couple they were meant to be.

Esen and Ouyang scene below the cut!

“Please, Ouyang,” Esen grasped at Ouyang’s hands with a hollow hunger that Ouyang had never seen in his lord before.

And then, he did the unthinkable:

“I’m sorry.”

Esen lowered himself, debased himself, let his knees touch the ground before Ouyang’s feet, and as he stared up, as Ouyang’s vision swam and almost blacked out at the wrongness of it, he apologized.

“I’m sorry. Please, I’m so sorry.”

Ouyang collapsed. He crumpled to the ground, undone.

Or perhaps, it was better to say that something inside him gave way, and like a building on fire being ravaged from the inside, his foundations and walls turned to ash under him and, unable to keep himself upright, he folded into the fires below.

Esen met his blank stare with a squeeze of a hand, Ouyang’s hand.

“I’ve failed you. I called you my general, and still I have been so careless with you. I never thought about it, but I’ve been hurting you this whole time, and you never let it show- No, I never realized. It’s all my fault. I’m sorry.” 

It was easier to stare at Esen now that they were both on the floor. Ouyang was still shorter than him, here, still had to look up to avoid his gaze and only had to look forwards to avoid it.

It all still felt wrong. It was the certainty that this scene had never been written out, was never meant to happen. He could feel it, trapped behind his eyes and as cold as the steppes in winter.

And yet, a rage long-repressed rose up within him still.

“How dare you.”

Esen’s molten-gold hands could still tighten around his, Ouyang found out.

“Why now? Why? After so many years, why do you care now?”

Why were his tears cold, on his cheek, when he had caught ablaze with impotent rage? Even as he yelled, he knew there was no bite behind his words, not for Esen. Perhaps only for his own tounge.

“I care about you.”

“You’re not meant to. Not like this.”

“I do. I want to fix this, fix us.”

“I’m a thing. I belong to you, you can’t apologize, not like this.  This isn’t how it’s meant to happen.”

“Ouyang,” and Esen, sweet Esen, who had not once commanded him, brushed his chin softly with his fingers. It was only the barest touch, but Ouyang’s eyes snapped up, as if he had been waiting for permission, “It already has. I want to hear you. Tell me why you won’t allow yourself to accept this.”

“I’m just your general.” Ouyang muttered as Esen’s thumb sizzled away his tears. 

And then Esen pulled Ouyang towards him by his collar, until his cheek was pressed against the crown of his head and his white-hot hands branded his nape and back. 

“Exactly. There is no one in the world I trust half as much as you, no one else I want by my side. I've told you before, you're my best friend, my general. You've always done me proud. Please, let me in. I want to help you be as happy as you've made me."

And as Ouyang sat there, his forehead pressed against his lord’s shoulder, he closed his eyes and let himself sob out all the cold that remained behind his eyes. 

And at last Ouyang lets himself burn.

[nomsfaultau]

What would you say is your favorite part/scene of fault, also what do you imagine Red to taste like?

For one, Red’s texture would be kinda awful. Like thick water that prefers to clump to itself in tendrils. I imagine Tommy misses forks a lot. Red tastes slightly salty and a little bit metallic. Since it basically magically floods the amygdala in order to produce a flight or fight response, I functionally compare it to adrenaline, which can result in a metallic taste in one’s mouth. The salt is since Red is also kinda analogous to sweat. Ew. Potential other flavors when he’s super duper stressed include bitter (adrenaline concentrations) and sulfur (fear sweat). Tommy would not be delicious if he was having a panic attack that’s for sure.

And ahhhhhhh favorite scenes! Such a tough one! I’ll break it up by character bc I’m not getting anywhere else wise:

Tommy: Ember. The scene where Tommy fights against his touch starvation in order to finally let go of his toxic relationship with Philza. When Philza’s affectionate touch begins to burn him and Tommy finally recoils. Just…recognizing that his desperation has led him to ignore so much and finally learns how to stop blaming himself for everyone. Even if Tommy was acting on misinformation, getting Philza off a pedestal was still huge. Philza: Malachite. When he returns to his Collected in full dragon mode. Something just hits me about a massive dragon being guided home by tiny bees. The beauty of him but also the sheer destructive force. And the pure uncertainty of it, if Philza even remembers his loved ones at all. The terror of not only the heart break if he doesn’t, but also the possibility that such a powerful destructive creature could slaughter his children and not even notice. Tommy’s swirl of gut wrenching emotions and awful hope as he’s face to face with a massive dragon, only to get licked. One of my favorite cliff hangers tbh. Also the entire amnestic arc is such a fun way to explore different facets of Philza after he haunted the narrative for ages. The Blade: Unfortunately most of his coolest scenes haven’t been posted yet. But I do adore the fight scene in Alabaster where The Blade is having this epic show down with the organ house (creature pulled straight from my nightmares). He caused the problem by trying to take care of his friends, and he’ll solve it using exactly that. Very good indicator of the larger problems he faces. Also the fact he’s doing a Cool Fight Scene…while his mane is in braids, his hooves are covered in nail polish, and ‘Tommy wuz here’ is plastered on a tusk. The Blade can just get silly with it in a way the others can’t sometimes, and it’s refreshing to have the most chill functional guy be the one with bloodthirsty voices. The Blade makes the active choice to be far less edgy than he could be, and I adore him for that.

Wilbur: Midnight. It’s such a small scene, but the moment where Wilbur is out stealing food and he comes across a pet dog. I think it perfectly encapsulates the warring tension inside Wilbur between his pure survivalist mindset and his softer side. I like the way he refuses to let himself admit what he’s doing as Wilbur tries to forget everything that happened in the Foundation, which simultaneously leaves the reader in suspense for what he’s doing as he inches his knife closer to the dog’s throat. And that last line that suddenly says so, so much about the memories Wilbur is repressing: Wilbur really, really did not like shock collars. Perfect amount of building suspense to an answer that only creates far more urgent questions it refuses to address.

Tubbo: Old Gauze. Might be recency bias, but I just love when Tubbo decides to start screaming at Philza in the middle of the woods. It really encapsulates some of Tubbos’ glaring predjudices but also the flaws in Philza’s simplistic morality system (or lack thereof). Tubbo has a lot of unhealthy beliefs about hatred, guilt, and empathy. Plus the utter hypocrisy of saying Philza has no empathy while actively dehumanizing Philza…delicious. I think in stories with a moral of ‘killing people bad :(‘ it becomes really easy to make the pacifist character the unequivocally good guy. And I want Tubbo to be just as messy and flawed as everyone else. (Also really like the tiny scene in Atramentous where Tubbo starts disassociating about proper tree trimming techniques while their house is literally being invaded by Foundation soldiers.)

Though really any scene where I get to mash different character’s moral philosophies against one another like a kid with action figures automatically gets a lot of my love. I imagine readers probably have vastly different favorite scenes than I, given some of them are tiny in the grand scheme of things. Feel free to share parts that made you unhinged.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hello cas! swiftie anon, I was planning on sending this earlier but I've been feeling shitty and wasn't motivated enough to type shit out.

so, I was going to send you a message that everything with volunteering at vacation bible school was fine or whatever. so a little pretext, since me and my brother did check-in, that was only for the first thirty minutes, and after that we just look for things to help out with.

so on thursday we had to walk around and take photos of the kids in the classroom. and I was really uncomfortable with walking in there, and just taking photos. probably my anxiety, but I suck at like, feeling I belong somewhere. anyway, I shoved the phone into my brother's hands and told him to do it. he got kinda mad, since I hadn't taken many of the photos, bc I got nervous.

and I just couldn't really take it. bc something is wrong me me cas. I already knew that. and I thought my brother of all people would understand. so I started crying, which was really embarrassing, and I went to the bathroom to cry. I think I was hyperventilating, and I kept thinking about how there's something wrong with me, and how it's hard to be around me bc of that.

I left the bathroom after a bit bc I think there was a bathroom break for the kids, and I was still crying in the hallway, and it was just really icky. my brother doesn't really get mad, and if he does he usually gets over it in like a few minutes. he said sorry, and told me that he needed to take me home. I said no, bc I didn't want to talk about it with our parents. so I just stayed there and cried in the hallway for a few more minutes, and a few adults saw me (which will be important later). I may or may not have started hyperventilating again, and my brother told me that I needed to leave. My sister asked what was wrong (she was a classroom helper, and it was her break) and I told her I didn't want to talk about it. I left, we went to the library, and I just read there until we had to go pick up my sister at 12. we had a family night at church later that night, and some of the adults that asked if I was okay, and told my mom that I had been crying earlier.

my parents wanted to talk to me about it. and, idk why they thought I would. I don't talk to them about...anything. Actually, I don't really talk to anyone about how I feel, probably bc I'm pretty emotionally repressed. I already know what's wrong with me, and why I react to things the way I do. and then they got kinda mad, like "you'll have to interact with people when you're older." etc. and then they brought up how I didn't have to do a social studies presentation bc I started crying and hyperventilating, and my teacher said I didn't have to do it, and she would just grade my slideshow. my mom said "that's not something you can get away with in high school." and I hate her so fucking much, she acts like everything is my fucking fault and my choice, and that presentation thing wasn't something I "got away with" it just happened. I was going to do it, I just couldn't.

also, I've just kind of, lost my appetite lately, which I forgot to mention in my last message. is it a depression thing? Idk. I usually skip breakfast, but I've skipped lunch the last few days. which, ik is an issue, but i just can't find the motivation to eat, yk? My brother has kind of been forcing me to eat the last few days, so, ig that's a good thing.

so tonight my brother was playing video games with his friends, and came down to dinner late. my parents got so pissed, and we used to have a set time where we had to be down for dinner, or else we got our phones taken away. they've been more lenient these days. anyway my parents asked "what time are you supposed to be down here?" and my brother said "6:30, idk, i'm stupid." and they've called us, him, stupid so many times. they were talking about if they should call him down for dinner, and my dad was like, "idk how he plays video games for so long without being stupid" and idk, I just hate that they expect us to know everything, and I hate them for expecting us to be okay with it.

they never apologize for the things that matter, and I think that they think that they're okay parents. I just really hate them, bc it doesn't feel like they care about us.

idk, this was really long, so that'll be all for now. have a good day/night!

Hi hon!

Okay, the way you're talking about yourself here is bothering me. "Something is wrong with me" like...yes, it seems like you might be depressed/anxious. (loss of appetite is a sign of this) But that's not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. You deserve support and love. And I am so sorry that it seems like you're not getting it. I'm also so sorry your parents are saying rude things. Remember, you deserve unconditional love.

I'm always here if you need to talk!

[minothtime]

honestly i think kazui and yuno are the ones with the clearest story out of all the prisoners

like yuno did compensated dating for funsies, got pregnant, then aborted and now she feels bad about it

Kazui is gay, tried to repress it by going out with girls and eventually marrying Hinako, then he confided in her because he trusted her only for her to kill herself over it

literally neither is a crime they should be judged for??

like yuno's trying to get us to vote her guilty with the whole "ah i'm a cold bitch i did it bc i wanted to" schtick which like. that's ok girl, atp you're fighting your own morals - you did seem to think abortion was wrong, and when you had to do that yourself... But you still care about your family, for example, so really what are you doing here

and kazui is very much the same - what happened was a consequence of society pressuring him to be straight, and when he finally confessed to someone she literally decided to kill herself instead of idk not doing that? it's all a mess but kazui isn't the one at fault here - nobody really is (except maybe H-[GUNSHOT]). It's just a crappy situation all around

we also know kazui liked and trusted Hinako, just not romantically. A very sad scenario tbh

i understand why they choose each other when asked who's the most akin to them - after all, their internal turmoil can be reduced to "society tells me this is wrong, i've been told all my life this is wrong, and i have done it because it was unavoidable." The difference is, as far as we know, Kazui's choice to tell Hinako had more catastrophic consequences than Yuno's choice to get the abortion.

[charlesdesvoeux]

top five terror men (this is a command)

I got another ask which is about my favorite tertiary characters so these will be excluded from my ranking so here's my top 5 terror guys (main and secondary characters edition)*

1. John Irving: as I said in my pinned post I am a JIRVGIRL AT HEART. idk man everything about his character is delicious to me. the self-denial and subsequent mixture of self-righteousness ("I'm better than you bc I can repress control myself") and self-loathing ("I'm horrible bc I feel these things and I'm going to hell I'm not good enough") is just. chef's kiss to me. he makes me crazy.

2. Cornelius Hickey: my baby my cult leader my everything. one of the more overtly "villainous" characters but he was so masterfully written and portrayed that he feels like a real human being; i feel like I can *understand* why he does everything that he does, every loathsome action, we understand why he thinks what he thinks why he made the choices that he made. even if the show gives us very little information on his backstory we can fill in the blanks- the "bugger Nelson, bugger Victoria" speech is so telling!!! I love him beyond words.

(Jirv and Hickey are my top 2 characters even including my pet tertiary guys)

3. Edward Little: I was really struck on my second watch by how much *rage* he's repressing, which is something I hadn't noticed my first time around (when I didn't even register his existence until like ep 5). this is in many ways a show about the failures of the people in charge- from the Admiralty picking goldner cans bc of the low price and not sending rescue earlier, to Sir John's hubris and Crozier's MANY failings as captain- and when our boy ned gets put in charge what does he do? he fails ❤️ which was not entirely his fault, the guys' reluctance to go save crozier is due to them both being tired as hell and probably not liking crozier all that much. his relationship to crozier is also fascinating to me, he's soooo eldest daughter coded I felt it in my bones (also an eldest daughter, also a flop). he hates what crozier put him through in eps 4 and 5 due to his faulty leadership, but I think he also develops respect for him due to trying to kick his addiction and everything that followed after they left the ships. by the time crozier gets kidnapped I think he genuinely really respects him. and, you know, dutiful to the end!!!! essentially refusing to die until the captain came to relieve him of his duties!!!!

4. Thomas Jopson: after the eldest faildaughter comes the golden child!!! fascinated by this guy. he gets many moments of tenderness which the other guys (with the exception of crozier and fitzjames) don't really get as a rule, but we see in his confrontation with hickey that he's no pushover. i find the contrast between these 2 fascinating; I think they came from similar origins but their life choices led them to develop vastly different outlooks (one isn't more valid than the other btw!!!!). aside from like blanky he's apparently one of the few guys on Terror who really knows what he's doing which is also commendable. I also just find characters who occupy "servant" positions really interesting.

5. Solomon Tozer: my dog-coded boy!!!! the breaking of solomon tozer is one of the most fascinating arcs in the show for me. at first he comes off as confident, sarcastic (his interactions with hickey as they bury david young!!!), one of the lads (im not British sorry if my usage of the term is cringe). but then one by one the marines fall (bryant killed by the bear, heather with his brains poking out of his skull, alive but not alive) and finally we get the tragedy of carnivale and his desperation to save heather which of course he's unable to do. that's always what tozer wants to do, he wants to save everyone, he wants to protect. the alienation of the marines from the rest of the men is also fascinating to me. and he falls under the spell of hickey bc of this desperation to save the people he cares about and himself and they develop that weird as hell psychosexual shit that makes me crazy. love them forever.

*main character: actor in the opening credits. secondary character: not in the opening credits but gets a relatively substantial amount of screen time/lines/a story arc more generally.

[enbeemagical]

I need need need to know about Destiny please 🥹🥹

AIIII OKIE buckle in it's a bit of a ride

(the second one of those is them as a little kid, the other two they're more grown up)

They're human, fully an ordinary human up until they're not. Ordinary, I mean

They realized at about 13 that they were queer, and absolutely did not tell anyone and also tried to repress it bc they were raised to believe queer was Bad and Evil and blah blah blah (this is the emperor's fault and one of many reasons to hate him. he likes conformity and everyone doing what he says). That secrecy led to them also keeping their magic very very secret when it came in at 14.

Four years later they met a pretty faerie and kissed her. She was the first queer person they'd met, and they promptly ran away with her (this is when they choose the name Destiny) and got adopted into the same werewolf pack that'd taken her in. They are still keeping their magic secret, but now that they're dating a girl they start slipping more into their true self-- first a haircut, then 'pretending' to be a boy, to actually being a boy for a bit...

...to meeting a crow with no concept of human gender and figuring out they like 'they' best

Also by then they've half-accidentally revealed their magic. which is like. really fuckin powerful and also super rare bc everyone else with it gets taken away by the Emperor of the world and no one ever hears from them again

also the werewolves who adopted Destiny? are working with a network of rebels who are trying to take down the emperor. and they want Destiny's help. Des agrees, mainly bc they don't want to live in a world where they can't be true to themself, and they can help make things better

Annyyyways there is now a song about them (which I had to write, help (and then my friend is writing music for bc aaaaaa)) (in-story Vida wrote it)

their powers include: teleportation, elemental control (mainly fire bc they have a fire demon teacher, but they've also done earth and ice), transformation (another of their teachers is a werewolf), illusion, communication with their familiar, Nayan (the aforementioned crow- whose concept of gender is 'some of us lay eggs idk'), healing people, magically cleaning things (they used to always do the dishes this way), and yelling at people in power (Nayan calls this a threat display. Destiny calls it stop screwing with me Nox).

Other fun little things!

-given the language that we use, Des would probably id as nonbinary and bi/pansexual (partly depends on When storywise bc rn they're the only enby they know). as is they id as "I'm not a boy or a girl I'm a they" and "idk there are pretty people but the prettiest is Vida"

-their newest nickname for their girlfriend, Vida, is "meri jaan", or "my life". the first time they call her that is after Vida gets arrested for singing about Destiny. bc singing about how the king of the world is "a coward and a fucking fraud" and is going to get beaten by a young upstart mage is treason, who knew

-(they're so absolutely furious about this btw. it's very sweet)

-Destiny keeps being impulsive but it keeps working out so

-:)))

-I've said this before and I'll say it again: I love how Destiny was raised being told "don't give your name to strangers bc faeries can use it to steal you away" and then the first faerie they meet they try TWICE to give her their name and she says no (it's their deadname but it wasn't at that point)

-in a modern AU Des would be Indian or Indian-American and an activist, but I haven't figured out for exactly what. probably for queer rights, at least at first

-Destiny is 19 at the point I am in writing

-Nayan likes to call them "my Destiny" and when they speak out loud (as crows can do) they always choose Destiny's voice to speak with

-they like having long hair, but they do NOT like getting mistaken for a girl. After The Haircut that helps them realize some gendery stuff, they grow their hair out again even longer than before

-@plumblueflower had a part in making Des the way they are. specifically the Indian-coding bit <3

picrews

1: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/69653

2: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/186583

3: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/1944831

[langernameohnebedeutung]

what did you think of the izombie ending?

I thought the resolution of sticking all the zombies on a segregated island was not great, and I kinda wish blaine and don e had a better ending than just dumping them in a hole and leaving them there together, but what do you think? also if you could change the ending what you make happen instead? sorry for autismdumping izombie thoughts on you,,, have a good day !! +also sorry if you’ve already talked about this one

!! I mean, we're...I think in year 2 of my absolute hyperfixation on this show and me rambling about it so you have nothing to be sorry about!! I love talking about iZombie!! (and I don't think I've talked about the ending before bc...I only watched it one single time, went 'duly noted' and then...proceeded to care a lot more about everything that had been going on before that. So it's also that part of the show where I'm the least immersed)

(Which, in the defence of the show, isn't entirely their fault. I have a way of trying to repress the fact that my favourite shows are over by not thinking too much about the endings).

And I also know there were some budget issues, personnel issues, CW issues so I also cut the show some slack for all that stuff affecting the writing. I also think that with everything that happened since the season 3 finale and season 4 only beginning to set up New Seattle, it would definitely have taken more than season 5 to unwrap all of those plot-points in a really all-around satisfactory way. Especially since s4 also spent a significant amount of time on the whole Brother Love plot which then ended with the season finale, meaning it gives season 5 barely any material to build on BUT also stealing a lot of time they could have invested in starting to set up a satisfactory finale in s5. I heard a lot of people say that the ending was rushed ...and yeah IT WAS - but honestly, I don't see how you resolve a zombie-Seattle under the control of a mercenary army being threatened with nuclear destruction in just 12 episodes without breaking a few eggs.)

What I don't understand is that they knew they had this time problem and then...spend a lot of time introducing so many new plot points and focussing on new ideas and elements. For example, I think the whole Dead-Enders plotline was not very compelling, rushed and...I don't know, I just didn't feel particularly intrigued. Especially since it was introduced so late in the show.

Or Liv's father being Beanpole Bob - for one, I didn't really care about Liv's father up to that point bc...she never really seemed to care. I didn't even really take much notice of the fact that she didn't have a father around and it didn't feel like something we were supposed to be invested in. Honestly, up until that point, Liv didn't seem to care much about her father at all. There was no significant journey to find him, and I wished they had dedicated more time to exploring her relationships with her actual relatives and their falling-out after the season 1 finale. Maybe even really dedicate an episode just to the Moore family. Hell, give me Evan Moore as a narrator, talking about his feelings over the last few years. It would have been better if they had delved into those dynamics earlier instead of cramming them into the last season.

And perhaps this is a personal preference, but as someone who is also fatherless and okay with it, it's a bit irksome from a feminist perspective how just HAD to give us a father to Liv. It feels as though we were suddenly supposed to care deeply about the identity of our female protagonist's creator and rejoice in this revelation. Like they thought we were watching this entire show wondering desperately where Liv's father is and why she doesn't have one around. Especially since the Moore-family is very well-situated and successful and is clearly managing just fine - while the media often likes to make deadbeat dads look like a problem specific to precarious living situations. I think it would have been good to show a family that is well-off, successful without a man around and no, you don't have to ask where the father is, just be normal about it. And yes, Liv's mom is toxic in many ways - but I genuinely think that this is something that never really is resolved, for better of for worse because suddenly we have a father for Liv to care about. They spend so much time on Blaine and Angus horrible father - son dynamic that it feels a bit annoying that they never fully explored the disturbed mother - daughter dynamic between Liv and her mother.

Also, the whole twist of discovering that Liv, who became a zombie simply by being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and had no involvement in drugs or related activities, happens to have a father who was connected to the creation of the zombie virus and the Boat-Party Massacre felt just too contrived. It didn't sit well with me; it felt forced.

(sorry, I know this isn't really about the ending itself but I got carried away)

As for zombie-island - I feel like pretty much everything has already been said about the issues with that entire solution. The biggest problem I see is...with eternity. It doesn't really feel like much of a resolution to me.

Take the idea that you now have terminally ill people getting infected and living on the island. This is going to get very crowded very soon - not to mention the rise in brain demands - this would mean over time, it would really difficult to keep this place working without once again giving power to brain dealers and brain smugglers (also, again: eternity. Islands aren't exactly getting bigger these days, with the oceans rising). And if the good-will and brain donations depend on people being a lot more pro-zombie because they're helping sick people, then this sentiment can also turn sideways very quickly when they start rejecting people because they cannot feed them anymore. It would be the same problem they had in Seattle. Moods change, governments change, problems change. It feels unrealistic to me that just because there is a cure now, people are just going to be fine with this for the rest of time. (This is part of the reason why I at least made it a government secret in one of my fics)

Not to mention what it means for the main-characters. Again, this is a bit of a personal opinion but...I never really liked stagnant endings. The kind of endings that are 'well they're living in small house in the countryside now and have 5000 kids and don't work anymore'. That kind of Peter Fox Haus am See ending. Especially not if it's for all eternity. Because that's...not really a happy ending to me, unless e.g. that person was always shown to have really longed for that or maybe they spent their entire life without having peace like that. For example, Liv and Major taking care of kids together is something I enjoy because this was something they both wanted - Liv wanted kids and Major was a social worker who lost his job because of this situation. But especially Liv was always an extremely driven person - she was always in motion, always chasing that feeling of accomplishment. And a big deal in the show was her realisation that she was chasing things that weren't actually making her happy and that she wasn't doing what she did because she believed in it. She had to learn to do what she thought was right and important over what others thought was right and important. She had to learn that she wasn't taking the time to rest and look around and take in the sights and live.(In fact, one of the many things I consider zombism to be a metaphor is - at least in the early days - Liv suffering from burn-out). And the ending feels like it's going into the opposite extreme and I don't think she would be happy, spending literal eternity living in secret on an island. Like...what's going to happen to her? It still hasn't really been answered.

(don't get me wrong! I'm excited that Major apparently got to live his dream of building outdoor furniture like he said in season 1).

The problem was never that Liv WAS a driven person or active person - the problem was that she applied it to the wrong things in the wrong measures. Her drive is one of her best traits and while she certainly deserves a few decades of peace and vacation and relaxation after all the events of the last 5 years, I don't think that would work for her for the rest of eternity. What will become of her? That question still hasn't been fully answered for me. The lives of the other main characters went on. I like that - even though I'm a bit sad that their group is kind of separated now and to be back together, they also have to live in stagnation.

So yeah, this is kind of my biggest reason why I'm not over the moon enthusiastic about the ending. I'm also not like...super-angry about it but I'm also not thrilled. It just wasn't one of those endings that are brilliant, for me. It's just...an ending.

As for Blaine and Don E:

Honestly, I'm going to out myself here ... I think it's a fitting ending for them. On the one hand, I think it is intentionally a somewhat ambiguous ending. Blaine and Don E were fan-favourite characters but they were also pretty awful people AND especially Blaine also had some parts of the audience that really, really hated him - so it's a bit hard to find an ending for those two that works for everyone (and I mean, this one also clearly doesn't work for everyone).

But...the well-ending, even more so than the zombie-island ending, leaves room for speculation. Maybe they're down there for the rest of time, going Romero. (something that would be a giant fucking biohazard btw). Maybe the main gang just leaves them down there long enough to scare the shit out of them, before having someone fish them out, cure them and put them in prison. Maybe they climb out on their own (they're not weighed down like Angus was and it IS a pretty narrow well) and kill each other. Maybe they escape and play some Catch Me If You can and finally make up again. Maybe one of them kills the other and gets away, maybe they both kill each other, or maybe they were killed by the fall. The opportunities are basically endless so everyone gets to have their cake and eat it.

Another reason I'm fine with the well-ending is that I'm a bit obsessive about the symbolism of the well (I'm going to make a really long post about this one of these days and will be legally declared insane) but long story really, really short: I think the well is a symbol of how Blaine never managed to truly define himself outside of his own upbringing and trauma. Despite how much he resents Angus, he also defines his own worth by the way Angus defined his (lack of) worth as a son: Angus is all about power, selfishness, capitalism, how feelings and compassion are weak and pathetic etc. Après moi le déluge. And his entire life, Blaine ran after those values, trying to accomplish something in this framework. His efforts to do something else were very brief and dishonest (like the amnesia-thing where he tried to live a lie with Peyton).

His only idea of changing was being seen differently by others - but never to actually work on himself. He could never bring himself to commit to the idea that if his father is such a horrible person it doesn't matter if he thinks that Blaine is a failure - that it is, in fact, a badge of honour for a guy like Angus to consider him a failure. (I think this is at least partially because Angus is the only person left from Blaine's childhood. He could never even really bring himself to kill him, he just freezes him or dangles him in a well and talks to him).

Blaine never found friends of his own other than Don E, never went to therapy, he could easily have moved to a new city, found a job there, gotten married to someone or done whatever the hell he wanted with his life that WASN’T mass-murder and become a fully self-actualised person. And sure, he would probably always have carried that trauma and pain with him - but we can't change the pain we carry within us. But we can do is decide whether we're going to do something about it and grow - or whether we're always going to venerate what was done to us and try to climb into a shell to keep that from happening again. A very important aspect of Blaine's storyline was always that he felt entitled to act the way he does in order to get rich and reclaim the privilege he was born into and that he feels he's owed. And for me, the well and his relationship with it, his talking to the well, throwing his father in there (even instead of killing him!) really symbolises how much he's a prisoner of his own pain and of his own stunted self-image and that's why in the end - he ends up being devoured wholly by the well. The more unhinged he becomes, the more he becomes part of the well.

And...as for Don E - and I know this is probably the even more controversial point bc I know a lot of people wanted a redemption arc for him: As it stands, I'm also fine with him going down the well. The reason I stand with that is specifically the exchange he had with Peyton when he found out that Blaine had killed Darcy - he was absolutely fine, even amused with everything Blaine did UNTIL he learnt that it affected him this time. His response to learning that Blaine had killed some girl was literally "well we all have our hobbies". And that's really always been his thing, honestly. Yes, he did less genuinely awful things than Blaine - but he also never really spoke up against them. He was always happy to profit from Blaine's bullshit and sit on the bandwagon as long as it got him forward. So him getting the same ending even if he's not directly as bad as Blaine - I feel fine with it.

Now, mind you, I'm not entirely against Blaine and/or Don E getting a redemption arc if it had been done right (and it would have had to be done early enough). However, in Don E's case, it would have required more than just falling in love and caring deeply about another person like he did with Darcy. I think it should have required some initiative regarding something that isn't just him protecting something or avenging something or someone he cares about.

I understand that many people view Blaine as beyond redemption, but honestly, the point of no return for me would have been if he had simply become friends with the main gang, especially if someone like Peyton or another female character did all the work to fix him (as he intended with the amnesia arc). If he had shown personal growth and started establishing moral boundaries on his own at some point and chosen something like compassion or idealism or morality over profit and personal power, and if it had been handled intelligently and with care, I would have been okay with that. Nevertheless, I'm not upset or saddened that they didn't go that route, because it's a delicate matter that could have easily gone awry, and I prefer him not being redeemed over a poorly executed redemption arc that mishandles his character.

Things that I would change:

Small thing I think about a lot: I would have made Al Bronson the relative or former teacher or friend or maybe a girlfriend (I guess she's a little too old for that) of one the kids Blaine killed in season 1. I liked that he got his comeuppance for what he did to those kids and that he got outed as a child murderer but I feel like the fact that she's the niece of Mr Boss cheapens it a little. For one: Al Bronson is the one who manages what no one else previously could do - she really brought down Blaine. This would be a lot cooler if she was e.g. the sister of one of the kids from season 1. By making her Mr Boss niece, her accomplishment kind of falls onto a male character and Blaine's punishment suddenly becomes more about the gang war he started in season 2 rather than the kids he exploited in season 1. He openly admits that he killed those kids because no one was going to notice or care or investigate for long - so someone genuinely caring about them and THIS causing Blaine's fall would have been great. But now it's just...part of another scheme in the endless scheme-war these guys got goingand Mr Boss gets away with everything and doesn't receive his due punishment despite also being pretty awful.

In the grand scheme, I would have avoided introducing so many new things in the finale, like the Dead-Enders.

I wouldn't have introduced Liv's dad. I genuinely don't care about meeting Liv's dad. Instead, I would have wanted more episode with her established family.

I really didn't like that they killed Michelle

maybe an ending where the main gang is a bit closer together

and I mean, if I had all the power ever to make changes, I'd have...maybe dropped a few cases of the week in order to stretch the resolution over a few more episodes.

Heck, if I had all the powers in the world ever (and budget, I'd just have made a season 6)

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

You can't just say that you'll never write anything as good as a scene and then not share it give us the goods

oh man anon welcome to the shit show that is the SOWK verse! for some context, this is a scene between Thad Harwood and Dave Karofsky, who become friends after On My Way. Thad is under the impression that he and Dave have been dating for months, Karofsky is repressing the hell out of his feelings for Thad, and when the rest of the inner circle bring this to their attention (he brought you to a Warbler party, Dave, that's as serious as it gets), Dave panics, flies back to New York, and instead of going back to his campus upstate, he finds himself at Thad's apartment, and this scene takes place when Thad gets back to New York a few hours later!

It's long, so I'm putting it under the cut, with warnings for internalized homophobia & internalized aphobia

(also I'm not posting the entire thing bc I want to create intrigue but also I want to post the entire thing because I'm obsessed with them rip)

Thad walked home alone from the train. Dave should have been there, should have been laughing as he complained about the cold, reminding him that Ohio winters were far worse. Come on, Prep School, he'd have said, did two weeks in the Caribbean really turn you into a wimp? Thad would have bumped their shoulders together and faked a pout until he could no longer hold back his laughter, and that would have kept him warm all the way home.

Instead, he was alone in the bracing wind, bundled up tightly but still chilled to his bones. Finally he made it to his building, up the elevator, and to his door. All that he wanted was to get inside, to make himself a cup of tea and curl up under his blanket, to try to pretend that this horrible weekend had never happened. How empty would it feel, without Dave there beside him, sharing the couch and stealing his blankets? He almost couldn't remember what it was like to be alone.

Almost. Not quite. Being alone was engraved into him, just as much as being a Warbler. Dave may have helped him forget it, but it would come back easy enough. It was who he was, after all, at his core. And he had been foolish to think that it could be any different. He wasn't boyfriend material, he knew that. He was a good friend, a better listener than anyone would expect, but he wasn't built for relationships. Enough of his past partners had told him that — he was selfish, icy, a frigid fucking bitch — and it was his own fault for pretending that Dave could have seen him as something more.

He unlocked his door with shaking hands, and he would swear to the grave that it was only the cold making him shake, all too ready to bundle up and cry.

But when he opened the door, there was someone else there. There, on his couch, with his blanket, looking like he belonged.

He does belong, his heart whispered. Shut up, his brain retorted, don't get our hopes up.

"Dave?"

Dave looked up, surprised. Like it wasn't Thad's fucking apartment that he was sitting in.

"Thad? Wow, um… I hadn't realized the time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here, I'll—"

He stood, halfway to the door, before he stopped again, looking at Thad – really looking at him – for the first time.

Then, at the same time – still in sync, a traitorous part of his brain whispered – both of them spoke.

"I'm sorry." "I'm sorry."

"What? No, Dave, you didn't — I mean, I'm the one… I mean—"

"Breathe, Prep School. Please, let me talk? If I don't… I don't know if I'll ever be brave enough again."

More than a little curious, Thad felt himself nodding.

"Go ahead," he said, just a second delayed.

"Even before I knew that I was gay… I've always known that I wasn't built for love. Not real love. The only relationship I even had was with Santana and she was using me as a beard to win prom queen. It just wasn't in the cards for me, and I kind of came to terms with that. And then I realized I was gay, and I really knew. I was never going to come out, so even if love was a possibility, it still wouldn't be."

Thad opened his mouth – to comfort him, probably. To tell him that he was wrong, that he was built for love and that Thad himself was fucking proof of it. But Dave kept talking.

"When Aurora introduced us, I was at the lowest point in my life. My dad could barely look at me, my mom wanted to send me to conversion therapy, my friends had all turned on me as soon as the news dropped. And it felt right, you know? Karma, maybe, for everything I'd done. For how much I had hurt people, especially Kurt. And it was awful, but I accepted it. This was my punishment, and I had to live with it. But then Aurora showed up, and… well, you know what she's like."

Thad couldn't help but chuckle at that — he did know Aurora.

"She showed up in my hospital room, and I only barely recognized her. But she came over to my bed, waited until she had my full attention. She's so small, you know, but even then I could feel how much of a fucking force she is. She just stood there, looking at me. I was about to ask her what she wanted by the time she actually said anything. She told me that she knew how I felt, that she'd been in my position and she knew what I was thinking. And she told me that that wasn't good enough. That I wasn't allowed to just accept it, to just resign myself to being miserable for the rest of my life until the day I died. She said… she said 'fuck everyone else, Dave, fuck what you think you owe them. You owe it to yourself to keep living, to fight for your happiness.' She told me that I'd fucked up, that she wouldn't deny it, but that I still deserved to see that it really could get better."

A few tears escaped as he remembered that conversation, the words that had changed – and saved – his entire life. Thad wanted so badly to wipe them away, but Dave was still talking, and he didn't want to miss a word.

"She told me that I needed new friends, a better support system. She said that my dad should talk to Burt Hummel, and that my mom should shove her bullshit up her ass – her words, not mine. She offered to introduce my dad to Wes and Cooper, too, said that they could help him understand. And she said that she and Blaine were happy to talk, but that it would be good for me to have a friend who was, you know, a bit more like me. And she gave me your number, said that you were expecting a message and that I'd better not keep you waiting. She probably knew that, if she hadn't said that, I would never have sent that first text.

"But honestly, I found her a little scary. Still do. So I texted you. And god, it's the best thing I've ever done. You didn't expect anything from me, you didn't expect me to just go back to normal or anything, and you were always there for me. You helped me figure out how to keep living, how to have a life. You helped me find a school where people wouldn't know but also wouldn't care, you helped me figure out how to talk to my dad… God, Thad, you helped me so much more than I can even explain. You became my best friend faster than I even realized."

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: csa

Hi, this is the same person who sent the ask about telling the most important person in my life I was a csa victim and them reacting badly.

So, after their initial reaction, they’ve been telling me over the past few days that they don’t believe me and that I obviously made it up. (I can’t cut this person off bc they’re my main source of support and my family before anyone suggests that). They say they don’t believe me because I can’t tell them what exactly happened or who did it or when/where/etc. this is all true. I don’t have clear memories of anything, just bodily memories/flashbacks and frequent nightmares. Is there anything I can do to convince them I’m not lying/delusional? I could tell them more about medical problems I have which I believe were caused by csa but frankly it’s really gross and TMI so I don’t want to tell them.

I also am stuck between hating them and wanting to spill all my trauma to them. I desperately want to talk to someone about it and I can’t get a therapist for reasons.

Hi anon,

It makes me angry to hear that. No survivor should be told that they're obviously making it up. No survivor should have to prove themselves in order to be valid.

This strikes a personal chord with me because I had kept a digital journal when I was abused, and when my abuser found out he deleted the whole thing. So my idea of "when" is extremely vague. That is not my fault, you know?

Another thing is that I don't have really any evidence of what happened to me, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. Not all survivors have evidence. Just because someone can't "prove" it happened doesn't mean it didn't. The truth doesn’t need anyone's validation to exist. 

Quoting my expose, "I will not be taken seriously if I don’t memorize my story, and I will not be taken seriously if I admit that I memorize my story. I may not be taken seriously no matter what I do." I don't know what deniers expect. They want you to have a clear story but if it's too clear then it's rehearsed, and if it's unclear then it's easily discarded. There is no winning with them.

Nobody is entitled to your story. You shouldn’t have to hand anyone your story like it’s your license and registration. This person sounds ignorant, not only about what it's like to be an abuse survivor but how repression and trauma memories work.

Ask yourself if you think it's worth the time, energy, and emotional labor to try to convince this person that you are in fact a real survivor.

I hope I could help. You're welcome to talk to us about whatever you need to get off your chest. We try our best to facilitate a supportive environment if you need one. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[soulfullionbunny]

1 year of Hijrah to be a better man.

it was all because of this girl who i used to date. exactly 1 year today in hijrah calendar, i promised to change my way. 3 days after getting dumped on sunday 16 july 2023, and motivated to change myself on wednesday 19 july 2023. aku kena buang bcs im not a good man. at that time i see myself as someone who is emotionally unavailable, x de masa depan, undiagnosed mental issues, and most importantly, aku jauh dari agama. well 1 year has passed (in hijri) and i changed. not much but enough to say i changed. i change bcs i cant change the pass but i know my future self would wish present me did something. and something i did.

i am closer to my deen. solat wajib yg aku ye x ye buat dah full. al quran yg dulu aku hafal a mere 5 surah now has become 23 (target full juz amma but i overestimate my brain). i also managed my finance. before i would just save my money for my future on basic accounts, now i diversify it into multiple investment accounts so not only i had my money work for me but time also became my ally. financially i am somewhat independent, better than last year. at least i am mid M40 by myself (borderline B40 dgn anak orang) but that is not what I promised my future wife. had to stop part time when it started affecting my health, so if i need to supplement my income, i need a skill base gig instead of hard labour.

emotionally, cant say much but i did develop more sense of it. now i can explain what i feel and why i feel. the improvement is more on self awareness rather than the expressions. one of the reason i was dump is my expression of emotions. there is nothing wrong with my expression bcs i do and did express it. its just i dont do it to people bcs i know how taxing it is. i am not someone who is emotional now but i used to when i was a teenager. repressed childhood anger and abuse plus hormones are not a good combo. as a result i am more mellow now. sbb penat jadi emo ni. penat reacting base on emosi. but its my fault jugak sbb not reacting AT ALL. well im not reacting jugak sekarang but i do bila ada orang. there are no bad emotions, only unsuitable ones. other than expressions i am also emotionally abusive. manipulating for sexual stuff and not supporting her when she is heartbroken. i cannot test my manipulation bcs i did it for sexual favour and afaik i only did it to her. sexual favour before marriage is supposed to be fixed by my deen so we will had to see la how i do (if she accept me back la (we know she wont)). emotoanlly absent is also hard to judge. i need her for me to test it. so far with my family and friends aku invested je. not sure kalau aku ok x dgn dia, my theory is i might not. mainly bcs she is not like evyone else in my mind. she is the closest to me so everything hers is affecting me on personal level. so her emotional state will affect me and if i dont mabage it well, the energy consumption gonna be unsustainable. hopefully, i can manage it with her. emphasized on manage and her.

Mental health diagnosis. i have mild autism, ADHD, and C-PTSD. the required constant checkup... and its not fixable so i still had it... at least im controlling it right?? hahaha mamat defective.

i changed but im not sure if im enough for her again. 1 year i promised but it felt short. i changed but i didnt feel different. im not a different man, im still me. still the boy that has broken her heart. i dont know even know if "me" is enough for her. i doesnt matter what i did, i will still be me. if she DOESNT want "me" secara GENERAL instead of x nak "me v2023" je, then i was correct. if she want me but not the old me, then good news for her and me, i have what she want. I wonder how she does. did she change? hopefully dia berubah jugak, bcs i still want her...

[carlos-in-glasses]

same anon from this post, thank u for giving us the room for this discussion!! <3

you and i are the same in that i really hate it when things are left up to our interpretation, in my mind i'd just automatically assumed the worst just so i can avoid being disappointed again. i'd also talked myself into accepting that it could be in reference to carlos and iris rather than the other way around, but the lack of closure/clarity is genuine killing me and i hate that it very well could be left unaddressed in future eps, which is why i'm trying to bury it now and just pretend it hadn't happened

i didn't particularly get any...closure, per say on tk's end so far, and i would've been okay with the angst if carlos wasn't such a jerk to tk the whole time. i guess it's why i've struggled so much getting through the first 3 eps, and rn i'm dreading 404 even though i've seen so many ppl getting excited over it. i really do hope this was set up in a way that 404 would be cathartic and also a great time for them to address the amount of shit tk was put through in the past eps, but i'm also trying to manage my expectations here

i do also think this is why ppl are struggling in this ep - we've never seen them so un-synced (for lack of a better word) with each other before, what with carlos being so focused on his mission and tk buried in his own guilt spiral and also his worry for carlos. and i really wished they'd talked to each other rather than letting this play out for angst purposes, if the payoff wasn't worth it in the end. bc angst is only done well if it's cathartic imo.

also, i hope this is a journey of carlos acknowledging his faults (e.g. lying, avoiding, repressing, pretending) and working towards them (like tk's arc), bc its honestly getting really exhausting time and time again seeing tk being shut out without any closure. it's going to be painful, and ugly, and confronting buried feelings that he didn't know was possible to feel, but i do hope he's going to get to a place where he stops running from his past in order to move forward into his future with the help of tk, and them working towards this as a team 🥹🥹 i love him and i'm exhausted and he needs to get his shit together (and i meant this in the nicest way possible).

I’m glad I’m not the only one! I’m just not wired to be cool with things that leave me with lots of questions. I don’t necessarily need shows to be super on-the-nose with things, but I can struggle with ambiguity when it comes to something like this. I definitely stand by something I said in a previous answer, which is I wish the ‘I love you’ moment could have had a little more too it. It wouldn’t have to be anything major, just a stronger ‘I love you too’ would do, or something dramatic like, ‘I want you know I don’t blame you, TK…I only blame…myself!’ and then he hangs up. Soapy as hell, but then we’d know! For me, having TK go feral while looking for Carlos who has been kidnapped by a serial killer would be plenty of angst on its own, without the additional angst of a rift between them. But this is the hand we have been dealt.

I’m sorry you’re dreading 4x04 though. I’m excited for it because I’m trusting Ronen. I hope it far exceeds your expectations and you love it – you deserve to love it! Even if it leaves some things lacking, it really should still be cathartic after what’s happened so far, because we know they’ll be reunited and the wedding planning will properly commence. We know they will be back in sync – maybe more so than ever. Maybe the show will play that up. We know it can do Tarlos extremely well, hence we love Tarlos so much, and they do usually feel like a team.

And your last para – yes, I agree. It’s exhausting when a character doesn’t grow and it’s invigorating when they do, and it does seem to me like the set up is for growth to happen. It doesn’t seem possible for Carlos to go through what he’s going through now, as a direct result of his past, and come out of it pretending nothing ever happened. Again, we know growth is something the show can do well, for instance contrasting season 1 TK against season 3 TK.

I think with Tim at the helm, the show has taken a risk this season and (at the time of writing this response anyway) it isn’t paying off the way they’d hoped and some damage control and reactiveness seems to be happening. My takeaway wish from all this is: the creators and writers also grow from the backlash and bring a season 5 that still has plenty of drama but handled in a different way, ie. a disaster that TK and Carlos truly do face as a team. Or something that is less reliant on angst between them. (I want to emphasise this is my wish, which may well not align with anyone else’s). This can all be absolutely fixed – either in the next episode or beyond.

[likeshipsonthesea]

mianmian gets to the lan sect lectures, discovers very quickly that every one of her peers has decided to use this time to figure out how quickly they can get into bed with someone of the opposite sex, and decides almost immediately that she has to pick a suitably unattainable guy to have a crush on.

the thing is, mianmian is lanling jin’s head disciple. she is capable, intelligent, and very very gay. the last of these things she isn’t exactly keen on telling people yet for a variety of reasons up to and including jin zixuan will be so awkward and stubbornly supportive about it and she doesn’t know how to deal with that yet

so when her friends giggle over the other young masters and finally turn to mianmian-- who’s trying to memorize at least some of the fifty-thousand rules before their quiz tomorrow--and they ask her, “who do you like, mianmian?” she says the name that she carefully picked out of a handful of options.

“lan-er-gongzi,” she says, without looking up from her textbook, and she assumes that will be the end of it. 

lan wangji is both incredibly attractive and unrelentingly resistant to all attempts to flirt with him. she, like half the other female cultivators, can moon over him (or pretend to moon over him) all they want and nothing will come of it. it’s perfect. she’s a genius. the worst she’ll have to do now is pretend to be infatuated with him when her friends start gossiping. it’s fool proof.

spoiler: it’s not

it’s not, no, because her friends are horrible and immediately start gossiping about it to everyone, and usually mianmian wouldn’t care but then jin zixuan finds out. jin zixuan, whose marriage complex is being brought to center stage with the forced proximity to his bride-to-be. jin zixuan, who for some reason decided he has to live his stolen crush-addled youth vicariously through his only real friend that isn’t related to him. jin zixuan, who for some godforsaken reason takes it upon himself to contrive situations for mianmian and lan wangji to be alone together incessantly.

it unfortunately takes mianmian longer than she would like to figure out what’s happening. she’d give herself a break for it-- she was being responsible and studying, thank you very much-- but she doesn’t have much sympathy for her own stupidity seeing as she’s currently locked in a section of the lan library with the second jade of lan

and suddenly, suddenly she’s just so fucking tired. of studying, yeah, the tests here are brutal and there’s no one to bribe to make sure she doesn’t lose points on stupid things, but also tired of lying to the people she loves and tired of training this hard and being an amazing cultivator only for people to care more about her eventual marriage-- to a man of all things!-- and also, let’s be real here, she’s been in lectures with beautiful capable intelligent women for like months and she’s losing her gay ass mind

and so maybe, possibly, as she’s locked in a library with a clearly confused and annoyed second jade of lan she kind of, momentarily, loses it and rants all of this at his steadily widening eyes

at the end of it, she realizes with no small amount of panic that she’s just confessed not only her attraction to women but the fact that she’s been letting wen qing’s ears of all things distract her from her studies. if anything, she’s sure lan wangji will fault her for inattention

but the second jade of lan, after a drawn-out moment filled only with mianmian’s labored breathing and rising panic, simply says, “i understand.”

mianmian stops. she squints. she tilts her head. she squints some more. lan wangji’s ears go pink and just like that she realizes -- “you’re a cut-sleeve.”

lan wangji’s ears go even pinker. he doesn’t nod, or agree, or outwardly react in any way, but mianmian is a capable, intelligent cultivator, and she’s sure of it.

mianmian sighs with a relief she didn’t know she could feel. “thank the gods.”

lan wangji doesn’t seem to know what to make of this response, or mianmian’s increasingly frequent trips to the library following their conversation, or mianmian’s staunch determination to befriend the guy, but that’s alright. mianmian is old hat at befriending awkward sect heirs by this point.

it’s not like lan wangji expressed any desire for her friendship, but the prospect of not being the only one with absolutely no interest in the straight shenanigans happening at gusu lan summer camp is enough to let mianmian ignore his obvious confusion. lan wangji is a great listener and only sometimes blushes when mianmian waxes poetic about the beautiful women she’s forced to surround herself with every day

“no but you don’t understand,” mianmian insists, alone in the library with lan wangji, “jiang-guniang asked me to help her with a sword form. i put my hands on her waist. i said something idiotic bc she was so pretty and right there and then she laughed. lan wangji. i’m in love.”

“yesterday you were in love with wen-guniang,” lan wangji says as he impassively turns a page in his book. “has this changed?”

“no, i’m in love with both of them. all of them. lan wangji. they’re all so pretty all the time. it’s horrible.”

lan wangji presses his lips into a firmer line, which mianmian’s come to understand means he’s repressing a smile. “i’m sorry to hear it brings luo-guniang such trouble.”

mianmian groans, fairly undignified, but that’s a lost cause with lan wangji at this point anyway. “i swear, if jin zixuan says one more bad thing about her i’m going to punch him and marry her myself.”

lan wangji says, “mn,” which mianmian takes to mean that he supports her in this line of thinking, which she finds both quite sweet and ridiculously funny.

grinning, she teases, “lan-er-gongzi, if i do end up marrying jiang-guniang, will you bear witness to our elopement?”

lan wangji’s lips press again, this time in the way that means he’s repressing a frown. “jiang-guniang’s brothers wouldn’t allow for an elopement,” he says.

mianmian huffs. “as if yunmeng or lanling will deign to host our wedding.”

lan wangji appears to ponder this for a moment before he says, “gusu will host it,” and it’s at that moment that mianmian realizes she’s actually gone and fucking befriended the second jade of lan.

what is her life.

of course, it’s not long after that that she goes to find jin zixuan and explain that she can’t make their weekly sparring match today because she has plans with lan wangji (jiang yanli tenderly brushed some of mianmian’s hair away from her forehead while they were working on sword forms and if mianmian doesn’t tell someone about it she’s literally going to explode) and she’s trying to be as polite as possible only for jin zixuan to scoff and pout (”i don’t pout”) and say, “i never took you for one of those women who throw themselves so wantonly at a man”

it’s only for having been friends with this absolutely horrible communicator for most of her life that she doesn’t immediately punch him in the face. “what did you just say to me,” she demands, but jin zixuan just sets his jaw and looks away, flushing down his neck in the way his mother describes as unbecoming and--

and mianmian suddenly realizes that her ridiculous best friend is jealous of lan wangji. 

(in a friend way, of course, he’s like her brother, the one time his mother implied that he ought not get too close to women in case it jeopardizes his betrothal to jiang yanli, he insisted he didn’t have any female friends repeatedly as his mother delicately danced around outright saying mianmian’s name until finally she broke and jin zixuan was basically like huh?? mianmian doesn’t count?? she made me eat dirt like six times when we were kids)

the sheer ridiculousness of jin zixuan, to set her up with a guy and then get jealous when she spends all her time with him

and fuck her, but she loves her stupid awkward ridiculous sect heir best friend and she doesn’t want him to think she’s gone and left him for someone else (gods know jin zixuan’s loyalty complex rivals his marriage one (on second thought the two might be connected)) and so, after making a few quick decisions, mianmian grabs her stupid best friend by the wrist and pulls him to the library

he protests all the way there, but he’s been letting her drag him wherever she wants since they were five and it isn’t as if he’s going to break the pattern now. she drags him to the library and sits him down across a startled lan wangji and then finally breaks and gushes about jiang-guniang’s fingertips brushing her forehead and doesn’t look at jin zixuan once the whole time

lan wangji, on the other hand, sends jin zixuan frequent glances, as if worried on mianmian’s behalf, which is super sweet and also how the fuck did mianmian get two awkward sect heirs to care about her platonically wtf. she spares a thought for her poor auntie, who would’ve loved to have a sect heir care about her niece in much less platonic ways.

at the end of mianmian’s rant, jin zixuan is blinking quite a lot. “you like women?” he asks. he’s always been a bit slow on the uptake. mianmian nods. “you like jiang-guniang?”

mianmian shrugs. “more or less. she’s just really pretty and i’m dying about it. it’s fine.”

lan wangji says, “mn,” sympathetically and jin zixuan continues to gape.

mianmian winces. “you’re not going to be weird about this, are you?”

jin zixuan shakes his head quickly. “no, no-- of course not, i--you know that i--you’re my best friend, i don’t care--what does it matter to me, who you want to--to touch your hair.”

it’s probably the most awkward sentence he’s said to her in years, but possibly more articulate than she’d been expecting. it makes her tear up regardless and she punches him in the shoulder to hide it, and that’s basically how the three of them start hanging out in the library nearly every day after lecture.

sometimes they go to the sparring ground, bc who’s better sparring practice than the second jade of lan? and sometimes (once or twice) mianmian manages to convince lan wangji to join her and jin zixuan for lunch in caiyi town when they don’t have lecture, but mostly they meet in a secluded part of the library where mianmian can rant about how pretty all the women at lectures are, jin zixuan can turn pink whenever she mentions jiang-guniang, and lan wangji can “mn” and nod sympathetically at all the right parts

and mianmian thinks that’s going to be the end of it, they’re just going to be friends now and everything else will move on as usual, bc by some ridiculous trick of fate lan wangji and jin zixuan seem to like each other. which makes sense in hindsight bc they’re both awkward sect heirs who care about cultivation and people a lot even if they’re not great at showing it 

(and he’d never say it but mianmian thinks jin zixuan’s easy acceptance of her liking women is probably the first time lan wangji’s ever seen someone accept that kind of thing before (maybe, possibly, other than his brother, lan xichen seems really cool, even if he does smile kind of intensely at mianmian whenever he happens upon her hanging out with his little brother.))

so they’re friends, they’re unexpected friends, and sometimes lan wangji even makes jokes in that dry deadpan way of his and sometimes jin zixuan doesn’t completely trip over his own words and manages to act like a normal human being and mianmian gets two idiots to care about and a perfect place to vent her womanly frustrations, and she thinks that’s the end of it and then wei wuxian accosts her after lectures one day

“do you like lan zhan?” he asks accusingly, eyes narrowed to slits. “what am i even asking, of course you like lan zhan, but do you like-like him?”

mianmian thinks sadly to herself that she’s much too into women to be dealing with all these men’s emotional problems. “lan wangji is my friend,” she says, carefully sidestepping wei wuxian, who continues to squint at her suspiciously. really, he’d been amusing when he flirted with her, but this? this is just ridiculous.

“does he know that?” wei wuxian asks. “because if he doesn’t, that’s just leading him on, and it’s really not nice to--”

“lan wangji knows we’re friends,” she says, trying to enunciate to get her point across clearly. “you can ask him, if you don’t believe me.”

wei wuxian squints a moment longer before he turns and flounces off. mianmian thinks this is the end of it until she’s accosted again after dinner with, “he said you were friends!”

for some reason, wei wuxian seems even more troubled by this than earlier. mianmian tries to suppress her eyeroll. “i told you he would?”

“but how,” wei wuxian says, suddenly whining. “i’ve been trying to be his friend for months and he refuses to acknowledge me.”

oh, mianmian realizes with a quickly dawning horror. she and lan wangji are not the only cut-sleeves at cloud recesses this summer. (she has suspicions, of course, but no confirmations on any of the others, but this. wow.)

she also realizes, decides really, that she has enough repressed sect heirs in her life and she cannot deal with wei wuxian’s cut-sleeve crisis or his evidently large attachment to lan wangji right now. she turns decisively and walks the fuck away. not her problem.

the lectures end eventually, of course, and mianmian and jin zixuan return to lanling with a horde of golden robed disciples, freshly deflowered and not all together more learned. it’s what, she thinks grimly, their sect leader would want.

the first few weeks go by and she realizes that she’s missed unloading about her frequent and fast falling-in-loves. jin zixuan just doesn’t sympathize right, bless him, and so mianmian takes to writing letters. she sends two without receiving a reply and just starts to write the third when a letter with the gusu symbol is delivered to her room.

she’s almost expecting to find a single mn written on the page-- she would’ve been delighted with just that, actually, the sheer hilarity of such a thing-- but instead she finds several pages filled with lan wangji’s perfect calligraphy.

it’s more than he’s ever spoken out loud, but it seems that propriety dictated that he return mianmian’s extensive letter with one of his own and he’s done so admirably. he responds to the events mianmian detailed in her letters-- most succinctly summarized as, woman are gorgeous and i’m dying-- and then writes about his own life in cloud recesses. apparently, he went on a little night hunt with wei wuxian and also nie huaisang and jiang cheng were involved? seriously, mianmian misses out on all the fun.

he’s also apparently taken in some rabbits, which mianmian immediately decides she needs to see. lan wangji, sitting prim and proper, with a bunch of rabbits in his lap? amazing. wei wuxian would die on sight, she’s sure of it.

he also ends his letter with a warning about qishan wen that has mianmian frowning. she takes it to jin zixuan who reads the paragraph and frowns. “i’ll talk to my father about it,” he says, which she can tell by his hunched shoulders he doesn’t expect to do much.

“talk to your father’s general too,” she suggests, because that man at least thinks with his head and not his dick.

jin zixuan nods but doesn’t hand back the letter. he skims it instead with a barely concealed surprise at lan wangji’s previously hidden expansive vocabulary. mianmian snorts and grabs the letter back. “you can write to him yourself, you know.”

jin zixuan flushes down his neck. “i know!” he insists and then turns and runs away because he’s a coward. mianmian shakes her head, smiling. what an idiot.

still, another week goes by and a letter arrives from gusu and, when mianmian takes it, assuming it’s for her, she finds it addressed to jin zixuan in lan wangji’s impeccable calligraphy and she grins to herself like an idiot. look at jin zixuan, making friends

(she suddenly understands why lan xichen gave her all those intense smiles during the lan lectures)

they go on in this way, writing letters to lan wangji from lanling. sometimes mianmian steals jin zixuan’s letters before he sends them so she can squeeze in some ranting in the post script without wasting a whole second thing of paper, and lan wangji replies dutifully, more verbose than he ever was in person, and it’s nice okay, like. she and jin zixuan have been best friends since they were kids but neither of them has ever been any good at listening and lan wangji is just so honest and earnest in everything, like they didn’t realize that people outside of lanling were actually not always plotting your downfall??? who woulda thunk

and then of course the wens go and ruin everything. they go to the wen lectures bc jin guangshan doesn’t want to “anger our trading partner” like the guy isn’t obviously going to burn carp tower to the ground the first chance he gets, and mostly mianmian and jin zixuan are just vaguely annoyed and put out about it

then lan wangji shows up with a broken leg and a burned sect and they are ready to murder some dudes

after years of breaking in and out of carp tower she and jin zixuan are old hats at this breaking and entering stuff and they manage to sneak into lan wangji’s guest quarters and tend to his wounds, ignoring all his silent glares and ranting furiously about how they’re going to murder wen chao by making him choke on his own dick (mianmian) and how they’re going to war with the wen sect even if he has to threaten his father with acknowledging all of his bastards as proper siblings in public to do it (jin zixuan)

lan wangji just says “mn” and makes various muted, distressed expressions, but mianmian thinks he’s touched.

“are your brother and uncle alright?” she asks, when she’s set his broken leg and forced pain medication down his throat.

“brother escaped with our sacred texts,” lan wangji says. “uncle is... unwell.”

mianmian knows lan wangji hates touch but the way he says it, with this horrible little frown, emoting more than she’s ever seen him, his barely suppressed anger and grief literally making his hands shake into fists, mianmian can’t help it, she hugs him. “we’ll make them pay,” she swears into his shoulder, ruining the lines of his robes with how she clutches at them. “i promise you.”

jin zixuan awkwardly pats lan wangji’s shoulder, which is a lot for him and mianmian spares a moment to be proud of his growth.

unfortunately, wen chao seems to delight in torturing lan wangji on his injured leg and lan wangji refuses to show weakness, which both impresses mianmian and pisses her the fuck off. she approaches wen qing (and her still gorgeous ears, sigh) and asks her to tend to lan wangji, since she’s like actually a doctor. wen qing does bc she’s beautiful, intelligent, and kind and mianmian spends most of that night sighing deeply as she relates this to a significantly drugged lan wangji

the cave of the xuanwu goes about the same as you’d expect. wei wuxian saving her from getting her face branded off is pretty rad of him, though he could’ve just like knocked the brand away instead of throwing himself in front of it but whatever, you do you boo. when lan wangji gets left behind the two of them don’t even have to wait for jiang cheng to grumble and ask for their help, they’re already on their way to carp tower for an army, thank you very much

when they rescue wei wuxian and lan wangji and lan wangji immediately turns to walk back to cloud recesses on a broken leg mianmian says, “fuck no, that’s not happening, you’re getting medical attention and then someone will fly you back home, okay, wtf wangji, sit down.”

and lan wangji is a stubborn bitch so obvs he’s like no but he’s also severely starved, dehydrated, and injured, so it’s not like he can just shake off mianmian holding him down and this goes on long enough for wei wuxian to wake up and see mianmian touching lan wangji, and something in his poor little brain just like breaks and he demands says, “lan zhan, come back to lotus pier with us.”

his argument, as he explains it, is that lotus pier is closer (it’s not; they’re just as close to carp tower as lotus pier) and that it’s closer to gusu for when lan wangji has to return home (it’s not; same deal) but then jiang cheng starts yelling, possibly in support possibly not mianmian’s not sure, and jin zixuan starts getting awkward, probably about the whole golden army behind him bc he’s a nerd and hates being overdressed at functions (this is basically the same thing), and mianmian looks at lan wangji and she sees--

something. she isn’t sure what exactly, but lan wangji looks at wei wuxian as he argues with his brother and he presses his lips into a thin line in the way that means he wants to smile and mianmian thinks, oh. maybe wei wuxian isn’t completely unrequited in his lan wangji obsession.

growing up in lanling, she knows how to use information to her advantage, so she immediately says, “young masters wei and jiang, what a great idea. lanling’s disciples would be pleased to accompany you and second young master lan to lotus pier to ensure everyone’s safe arrival.”

everyone splutters, indignant, confused, awkward (jiang cheng, wei wuxian, and jin zixuan, respectively) but lan wangji narrows his eyes at mianmian and doesn’t try to convince her to let him walk to gusu again, so she counts it as a win.

sect leader jiang and his wife seem surprised and annoyed, respectively, to be taking in so many guests, but sect leader jiang merely smiles pleasantly and directs them to some guest quarters and mianmian and wei wuxian ask, simultaneously, for doctors to tend to lan wangji and wei wuxian makes a face at her and mianmian sighs to herself that she really is too gay to be in the middle of his thing with lan wangji.

turns out, walking a lot and fighting a cannibalistic turtle on a broken leg doesn’t do wonders for healing. lan wangji is also the worst patient ever, he keeps trying to sneak out and get up even though word came from his brother that he’s safe and alright and that cloud recesses is starting to rebuild after qinghe nie and lanling jin came to its aid and pushed out the wen

but with the combined efforts of mianmian, jin zixuan, and wei wuxian (and even jiang yanli at one point, bc who could say no to her soup??) they manage to get lan wangji to just rest for a fucking second, really which results in the jin disciples and lan wangji staying in lotus pier for longer than anyone could’ve expected

mianmian spends most of her time (when she isn’t forcing lan wangji to just fucking stay in bed) working with the jiang disciples, practicing archery, sword forms, and mooning after all the beautiful women here.

(”lan wangji, i know she’s scary, but have you seen madam yu? she could whip me with zidian and i’d thank her” “luo-guniang, please don’t ask madam yu to whip you” OR “lan wangji, i’m almost positive madam yu’s maids are a thing, do you think they’d let me join them just like once” “luo-guniang, could you please pass me my sword?” “why” “i’d like to put myself out of this misery” OR “she made me soup. lan wangji. lan wangji, i know you’re not sleeping, wake up, you have to listen to me, this soup”)

they end up staying so long that when wang lingjiao shows up threatening a child about a kite while sect leader jiang is away, she has a lot more to deal with than madam yu. since none of this had been a “sanctioned visit” no one actually knew that there was nearly an entire troop of jin disciples staying at lotus pier, so when the wens attack they are sorely unprepared for what they’re going to face.

(and ofc lan wangji breaks out of bed heroically and keeps madam yu from whipping wei wuxian, which means they aren’t down one of their most powerful fighters and mianmian has to suffer through the moon eyes they’re making at one another in the middle of a battle no less, she knew wei wuxian had no shame but she’d been hoping lan wangji would have some)

after the wen attack (and defeat) on lotus pier and the jin’s inarguable part in it, the war starts in earnest. lan wangji, after his long rest, heals fine and goes back to gusu to help rebuild his sect and plan for war, and mianmian and jin zixuan return to carp tower to plan as well, ignoring jin guangshan and focusing instead on his general to ensure lanling supplies necessary aid in the war effort

and war is always shitty, of course, and mianmian hates watching her sect family die on the battlefield, hates waiting for updates after every battle to see who’s still alive, hates the politics and jin guangshan trying to wheedle his way out of fighting when there’s fucking lives on the line

(and she could never know, how much easier it is, with yunmeng jiang at its full strength, with one of the brightest minds of their generation there to plot and help, with two of the best fighters not out searching for someone and instead focused on the front)

they reach nightless city after months of fighting and mianmian is ready to just fucking stab wen ruohan herself when they’re suddenly trapped. blocked in on all sides by puppets, their fallen soldiers rising again to turn on them, and it--it looks like they’re gonna die.

“this sucks,” she says to lan wangji, stifling her fear and choking it down. “i never even got to kiss a girl.”

lan wangji just says “mn.”

jin zixuan, beside them, says, “i was an idiot about jiang-guniang.”

lan wangji just says, “mn.”

then wei wuxian pulls out a fucking flute and a-- floating piece of metal?  the army of puppets and corpses stops advancing, held in place by-- music, apparently? and wen ruohan emerges from his lair, black energy falling off him in waves, wei wuxian the idiot flies forward to meet him, gets wen ruohan’s hand around his throat for his trouble.

lan wangji yells, “wei ying!” and mianmian thinks, really not fair that lan wangji is gonna get a boyfriend before i get a girlfriend

and then wen ruohan gets stabbed by jin zixuan’s half brother of all people. wen ruohan, along with his puppets and wei wuxian, fall to the ground. lan wangji rushes forward to catch wei wuxian, mianmian runs after him, finds herself in company with jin zixuan and jiang cheng. when they get there, wei wuxian is barely conscious but he’s-- he’s fucking grinning up at lan wangji from the cradle of lan wangji’s arms

“lan zhan,” he says, “you caught me.”

lan wangji nods, says, “mn,” which is basically his equivalent of i’ll always catch you, wei ying.

“really,” mianmian says aloud, “it’s so unfair.”

the aftermath of the war is more annoying than the war itself, what with all the politics and in-fighting and jin guangshan trying to be the biggest dick there ever was. jin guangshan tries to name himself chief cultivator in wen ruohan’s stead but nie mingjue suggests jiang fengmian instead and the lan sect backs him. jin guangshan tries to demonize the wens but at wei wuxian’s loud rebuttal and sect leader jiang’s backing (which is then backed by both gusu lan and qinghe nie) he’s once again shouted down. and then jin guangshan tries to propose to jiang-guniang for his son and the poor woman just seems so awkward and her father doesn’t seem to know what to say and--

mianmian elbows jin zixuan whose eyes widen ridiculously but, after another, harder hit, he suddenly stands. all eyes go to him, which mianmian knows he hates, but he bows to his father, then jiang yanli, and says, “jiang-guniang, forgive my father’s impertinence. this is not the time or place to be making such an offer, but he--” jin zixuan winces visibly. “--he knows of my feelings and wishes to make his foolish son happy. please, do not feel the need to respond.”

then he promptly sits down, flushing down to his neck, and mianmian shares a disbelieving glance with lan wangji from across the horrible nightless city palace room.

she’d really only meant for him to suggest jiang yanli answer privately, at a later time, but wow, jin zixuan really went for it. also no way jin guangshan knows his son has fallen in love with jiang yanli, so nice save face there. maybe he has been paying attention in all of their etiquette and political espionage classes.

jiang yanli flushes way prettier than jin zixuan and nods politely, stands and bows and thanks the jin clan for being considerate in this time of turmoil, perhaps they can discuss this matter at a later date (jin zixuan looks like he nearly faints at this, and mianmian feels vindicated in all her forlorn ranting. overreacting her ass)

when everything has been settled, wen qing has been appointed the new sect leader of qishan wen with promises to return land to those who lost it and pay reparations to the hurt civilians, as well as have the yin iron destroyed for good. during the final ceremony where all the sects have tea and pledge to be loyal to one another (until the next great war, of course) mianmian leans close to lan wangji and sighs, “her ears look even lovelier with her hair tied back by her new sect leader hairpiece.”

lan wangji says “mn” because he’s a cut sleeve in love with wei wuxian and has nothing even closely resembling taste.

mianmian, on her own, decides to make them both happy. before the jin clan departs from nightless city, she goes up to wei wuxian and asks for a moment of his time. wei wuxian seems confused but follows and, once they’re alone, he says, “mianmian, are you about to get me into bed, because i must tell you that i am a respectable young cultivator and you’ll need to marry me before--”

mianmian gives him her best unimpressed look (she’s had much practice with it, thank you jin zixuan) and cuts him off with, “i like women.” 

wei wuxian’s eyes go wide. “but you and lan zhan--”

she cuts him off again before he can say something so stupid she has to stop talking to him to refrain from breaking all laws of propriety. “look,” she says, “you’re friends with wen qing. now that she’s sect leader, your brother can’t go after her. i, on the other hand, very much can. if you promise to figure out a way for me and her to get close, i’ll tell you a secret you’ll like very much.”

wei wuxian seems hesitant for all of half a second before he breaks. “tell me.”

“do you promise?”

wei wuxian raises three fingers. “promise.”

“on your sister’s life?”

begrudgingly, wei wuxian nods.

“on her soup?”

“just get on with it!”

mianmian smirks, pushes onto her tiptoes, and whispers the secret into wei wuxian’s ear. with that, she returns to the pavilion where all the sects mingle as they wait to depart, wei wuxian trailing behind her in a daze, his mouth hanging open.

lan wangji, who had been watching since mianmian asked wei wuxian for a moment to talk, frowns nearly imperceptibly. mianmian grins at him and his frown grows.

ah, whatever. she walks over to him, unbothered by the quickly growing alarm in his eyes. once next to him, she turns around to see wei wuxian staring unabashedly. her smile only widens.

“you’re going to thank me for this,” she says.

wei wuxian shakes himself, his eyes focusing, and immediately starts walking towards them.

lan wangji, voice flat but wavering, asks, “luo-guniang, what did you do?”

mianmian laughs, says, “i get to give a speech at your wedding,” and walks away just as wei wuxian reaches them.

(she does, actually, give a speech at their wedding. she may or may not be drunk during it, jin zixuan gets embarrassed for her, and she starts tearing up and has to hide it in the shoulder of her wife’s lovely well-tailored robes. it’s alright, though, wen qing doesn’t mind)

EDIT: now on AO3 with a real fic version from lwj’s pov!

[asterekmess]

Heyo! So I’ve been in the sterek fandom for quite some time now and I’ve been wondering about how you would describe stiles’ personality?

I’ve never actually sat down and watched a full episode of teen wolf (and honestly I’m not sure if I ever will considering everything I’ve heard about how they treat derek and his history but idk who knows I’m very curious in a lot of the plot lines and character development), and a lot of the stuff I know about the show I’ve scraped from fics, gifs, and meta posts

For me personally, Stiles’ personality and characterization is so fluid and nuanced that sometimes I have trouble pinning him down (tho derek doesn’t have trouble with that *wink wink*) So I would love to hear your thoughts! Sorry for the long ask, this grew legs and an ugly mug shdhdhhdjdcj anyhow have a great day :D

Well, everybody's got different perspectives and opinions on Stiles' personality, honestly. Even when you try to stick to 'canon' things, there's a lot of room for interpretation on the why when he does things, or what it says about him as a person, etc etc etc.

Personally, I see canon Stiles as kind of an asshole. I mean, I love him, and he does some incredible things, and he's clearly got an intense love for those close to him. But I do make him kinder in fics, or I at least make him regret being a dick.

In canon, we're given a Stiles who cracks 'dead baby' jokes (he's talking about human sacrifice, so the conversation was already plenty morbid. This wasn't out of the blue.) Who begs for Scott to let Jackson die (though it's made clear that this wasn't serious, and he later works to save Jackson's hide like ten times over), and who will mercilessly poke and prod at people's insecurities or painful pasts, especially when worked up. Isaac's previous abuse isn't a no-go topic. Derek having 'dated' (read: been assaulted at worst and at best, been lied to) serial killers isn't something he's going to tread lightly around. He doesn't try to soften things to save someone's feelings most of the time.

He's presented as someone who is incredibly impulsive, with his emotions, words, and actions. It's kind of implied this is because of his ADHD, but that doesn't explain how often the impulsively cruel or harsh things he says aren't retracted or apologized for, or just generally regretted. Yes, ADHD people are impulsive, and yes sometimes our mouths get away from us and we can end up saying some Fucked Up shit to people because we literally couldn't control the words coming out. But that doesn't mean we're cruel or evil or mean. We still feel bad for doing those things, and those of us who are decent people, try to fix or repair what we've messed up. I am...not a fan of how often ADHD is used as an excuse to make a character a dickhead because "he has no filter." No filter means we struggle to control our thoughts and what we say, it doesn't make us heartless.

So, when I'm writing him, I fix it. Even if he still Does something fucked up, I have him care that he did it. I have him realize what he did or said wasn't okay and respond to that knowledge in some way. Which to some people, means I'm just ignoring what a fucker he is, but imo it feels like a horrible fuckup on the creator's parts, so I'm just correcting the mistake. He's no less Stiles just bc I taught him to say sorry.

Anyway. I'm trying NOT to ramble here.

To answer your question, as best I can; Stiles is sarcastic. Stiles is passionate to a fault. His emotions are BIG, whatever they are. Good, Bad, or even apathy. Whatever feelings he has are just intense. He is very much a no gods, no kings, no masters, kind of man. There isn't really an 'authority' to him, except maybe his dad sometimes. He puts family, and those he considers family, First. But that doesn't mean he isn't selfless. Because he is. Incredibly so. Uncomfortably so.

He walks into gasoline for his friends. He puts himself in the position of losing the only parent he has left, for his classmates. He cares enough about strangers to insist a drunk girl he's spoken to for five minutes max stay hydrated and give her a bottle of water. He literally handed over his mind on a platter to a fox demon for someone he barely fucking knew, to keep her safe.

Loyal. Humorous. A fighter. Family-oriented. Clever. Passionate. Strong, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And a very good liar, in my opinion.

He doesn't lie very well in the show, not to people's faces. He'll stumble around a "I haven't seen him since the last time I saw him" or "are you asking me to tell you what I would have told you if I were going to tell you it?" but at the same time, he can repress and hide away his feelings and his pain in a way not even Derek manages.

He asked Caitlin questions about her girlfriend, and worked to solve the human sacrifices, literal minutes after finding out he'd just lost his oldest friend. He drove Lydia to the warehouse to save Jackson after having the shit beat out of him by a man who'd been learning to cause pain since he was a CHILD. And he never gives away how incredibly broken he is for more than a couple seconds. and it's a little frightening, because he convinces people in this show who are lie detectors that he's okay, when he's a fucking mess. Even Derek shows his pain.

You're right that he's nuanced, and part of that is because when you see him in meta or in fic, what you're seeing is a dozen versions of him sort of compressed into a flat image. Because he changes throughout the show, and while some of his core personality stays the same, a lot of stuff changes. So one fic might harp on his insensitivity, and callousness toward Isaac or how easily he says "just let them die" when talking about Derek or someone else. And then another will dive into how fucking far he's willing to go, travelling all the way to mexico and facing down a hunter clan a dozen times more powerful than the argents with no one but a banshee at his side, just to get Derek back. Or how he saw Malia hurting and sat with her on a couch and held her hand. One is a much earlier version of Stiles, from the start of the show, the other from his midpoint. Near the end, you're able to say that he was so torn about leaving Derek while he was dying, he had to be Begged to go save Scott. That he manipulated an ENTIRE FBI investigation in order to save and protect Derek. (im focusing on derek bc sterek, but also bc his relationship with Derek is the Biggest Arc he has in the show, and the most solid)

You're going to read about different versions of him, and I totally get how that's confusing.

We all sort of bleed ourselves into him and either bring certain canon characteristics to the forefront, or straight up add our own so he's more relatable to us.

So while I can't really help you pin down any specific Stiles, just know that there's not really a 'true' Stiles that anyone can confirm or deny. It's all just perception, so however you see him, go with it. Strengthen it. Explore it. I'm sure you'll find people who see what you do.

[draceempressa]

A different Anon here. I wanna explain my rant about this. 

While all you said are true, basically, he does give in to his depression, as we see back in EP 2. But about him getting help from others. 

After I read all those posts, I wanted to say this, “THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN SAVE LEONA FROM HIMSELF IS LEONA.”

Everything wrong he did now is all his doing, he can’t change the way people in his home sees him, but he has his own choice and whatever crap he does back EP 2 is his own choice. So it’s his choice whether he would give in and be lost in his own darkness or find his way through it. 

The biggest mistake this lion did is that he lets people decide what he is in their eyes than making his own choice to find who he is. He remained emotionally and morally stagnant almost all his life cause he lets people drag him. 

What I hated back in EP 2 is that he wasn’t called out the way Ace called out Riddle (It’s Riddle’s own choice that he follows his mother’s expectations and live up to what she wanted for him, so it’s his fault). While Jack and Lilia called him out, nobody ever even straight punch him in the face and telling him that it’s his fault for being a self deprecating jerk bag who values nothing cause he lets himself that way. 

We know Leona refuse to let others in his life thinking he’s unworthy all while playing a victim that no one could understand him, he thinks it’s that way cause he thinks it that way (Snowflake syndrome like you said). If he refuse others help, fine with him, since it’s pointless helping someone if they can’t help stitch themselves up. Leona will get to decide himself if he wants help or not. 

Maybe 1 day if the game gives us that, that we may see Leona ranting about himself one day that the reason why he is the way he was in his Pre OB that, he was too weak to even save himself in that darkness he brought. 

I hope you get this and I hope this is not looking redundant.  

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A confession I have to make is that for the nth time that I deal with person with same characteristic with him is that, I know, I know. I lived with that for 27 years. Our parents have gone to therapists as much physical doctors, going as far adopting three guys to help him with that and nothing noteworthy happened for 35 years of his life. It's  really hard talk about Leona without talking about ..... him , I lived with it. I know only himself can save himself, I know. Leona changed a lot in like less than a year because of plot, and this ...... guy haven't got any change for 35 years. I do have hopes in Leona that he CAN recover to escape my real problem that guy never develop, I have that much positive opinion on him. A lot... A lot of repressed things I want to say regarding the guy. Some very offensive and sounding very aggressive. 

Am I venting to Leona  ? probably. My analysis on him  is also heavily based on my personal life and as much I'd love to separate the fictional character .. he is too real for me for my comfort, I lost ways in my reality and feel like Leona forced me to rebuilt my comfort wall of reality and . Maybe I don't want to hear how  only he can  help himself , that all Farena did is useless bc I've been doing it for 27 years. you are not being redundant, but this is getting too personal. Talking about Leona gets even more personal and painful than talking about nuerodivergent/ADHD stuff to me. I’m really close to admitting some really dark desires here.Like real crime/violence. 

We keep talking about what Leona do, but what about Farena should do? he loved him and want to support him, is punting him off the royal family the right choice? 

Trust me I hate to relate to fictional characters, I do. but Leona hits me too close to home to not to.