#also this shows you just how long some things end up in my queue lol

[l3irdl3rain]

Love my new camera that pans bc it allowed me to see Artie sleeping on my desk chair. He’s not big about getting up on the furniture so this was a pleasant surprise to find

[still-a-morosexual-help]

I mean I would argue that the dame culture presented in game is at least comparable to drag, in the way that it's a very performative kind of gender presentation that is completely unrelated to the performers actual gender, but I totally agree that om is clearly presenting the event as something other than cross dressing or the traditional understanding of drag as a man in a dress and it's really nice to see! Its like- gender performance vs performative gender if that makes any sense? Idk lol but it's really nice to see men performing femininity without any shitty jokes

Also it's really funny to me that beel keeps breaking his heels because they absolutely make heels for drag with steel reinforcements so either he's breaking THOSE (wouldn't put it past beel) or they don't have that kind of heel in the devildom lol

Sorry you're getting weird terfs harassing you :(

No I get that!! I definitely see it as being comparable to drag (which is not a bad thing! Drag is great and allows for a lot of gender expression and there's different kinds of drag) but it also feels different? I think it's because the Devildom doesn't seem to hold any of the gender stereotypes of the human world? Which affects the entire event.

I've spoken about it in my previous posts and in some that are still on queue but;

The dressing up/crossdressing is never treated as anything other than normal. Even when the brothers have problems with it it's never with the actual part of becoming a "dame" - it's things like breaking their heels or being too lazy to put in too much effort.

Being a "Dame" is a character, just like how in drag most people play characters, and a Dame is characterized by "nobility" : the Dames are supposed to be kind, gracious, selfless, poised characters

This is shown in OM! by how Mammon loses his accent whenever he's performing as a "Dame". But there's a lot of intertwining/overlap between acting the part of the Dame and the brothers' everyday gender presentation

Barbatos and Asmo somewhat put an emphasis on show makeup (aka exaggerated makeup) versus everyday makeup, they're both well versed in both kinds

Asmo wears a lot of stereotypically feminine clothes & makeup & heels in everyday life without it affecting how he views himself as a man

Mammon and Lucifer both wear heels often enough that wearing them comes naturally to them

I think there's one card where Mammon's wearing (comparatively) light makeup and honestly I see it as being something that he's used to (you can't blend your eyeshadow as well as Mammon has in his recent card and be new to it, specially for someone who's not naturally artistic)

Mammon says that what he wears doesn't matter as long as he looks like a badass, which feels like it's more than just about this specific situation where he has to act like a Dame - it genuinely just feels like how Mammon as a person would see himself

Lucifer & Barbatos (two of the most serious and badass/dangerous characters in the game) are looked up to as "exceptional dames" despite neither dressing up for the contest. They are viewed as professionals in the area. But I don't see either Barbatos or Lucifer as people who would put on a character that is significantly different from their usual selves (the way Mammon had to)

I think what it comes down to is that drag (for most people) is something that you can at least somewhat take off at the end of the day? Like for Beel, I absolutely cannot see him wearing dresses/heels while out of his Dame character. But Asmo wears makeup/heels/stereotypically feminine clothes, Mammon wears makeup/heels, Lucifer wears heels, Barbatos apparently wears makeup often enough too, in their everyday lives while still all presenting as male that at this point it moves away from being a performance and becomes just a part of them and a part of how they present themselves/their gender. And so, at this point, because makeup/heels/dresses are just things that shouldn't be assigned genders of their own it can't really be considered crossdressing anymore. And in the Devildom no one bats an eye at that.

Does that make sense?

Also, just.... these characters are thousands if not millions of years old - of course they're not gonna stick to gender stereotypes or a specific gender presentation. Objectively, I don't think it's even possible - with the way gender & gender stereotypes change with time - even if you pick one gender and stick to it, what it means to be that gender would change over time when you've lived that long. So at some point you're gonna say "fuck it, I'm doing whatever the fuck makes me comfortable"

BEEL WAS GOING THROUGH IT. MAN WAS TRAUMATISED.😭😭😂

No listen he definitely was breaking through them as well!

🤷✌️

[pliablehead]

I guess if I want to write a travelogue/write up post about my 4-stop journey following the first chunk of Everything Everything's 2023 US tour then I have to just... do it!! If this is of interest to anyone other than me then GREAT and if not then it's still special to me to try to write down and remember everything I can uwu

FIRST STOP WASHINGTO-- wait, no, actually, first stop, on my way out of town, the local donut shop in my neighborhood, a place that I absolutely adore and patronize all the time with staff who mostly know me by now/some of whom are my instagram friends/etc. i'd checked with the Pittsburgh venue ahead of time to see if it was okay to send in outside food as a gift to the band even though they have a cafe/bar in their own right, and whoever I corresponded with said it would be totally fine, so I talked to the donut shop manager and set up a delivery of a dozen for the lads for Saturday before their show here. advance paid for that, as well as getting my own breakfast and coffee hehe, and then hit the road. OKAY FOR REAL FIRST STOP WASHINGTON DC!!! This was the second-longest leg of my Car Driving and it was definitely a wee bit exhausting but I had a podcast or two and a ton of E E on shuffle to bolster me through and I made it to my mom's friends' house, where I was staying, with relative ease. The venue was within a not-too-unreasonable walking distance too so after a change of clothes (I had very distinct and deliberate Show Outfits for each night that were fully separate from my travelin' clothes) and a bunch of fussing with the bracelets™ I headed over!! stopped for empanadas and a smoothie on the way and then queued up!!

aaaaahh this was such a nice fun queue. I was maybe about a dozen-ish people back from the front, down about half a block, and once I finished scarfing down my food this was my first real experience with doling out the bracelets. so fun! I'm glad it was basically an instant hit! AND I even got a few trades in this queue--one person gave me a Man Alive / Tin / E E bracelet with teeny tiny beads, super fun, and one person with a SHITTON of kandi stuff gave me one that had the name of a flower genus on it?? i think they said it was?? I love the colors on this one! And one person traded me a Blow Pop. lmao. I should eat that before it sits in my fanny pack for too long. I also really enjoyed chatting with the two guys right in front of me (Nick and Alex?), who were from south-central PA and had a couple other fandom touchstones in common with me (mcelroys/dnd/BDG! I love this Venn diagram!!) as well as a big love for E E. We didn't really see much of each other beyond the point of getting inside but I liked y'all a lot!! Hope you had as great a time as I did!!

Black Cat is where I saw E E the first time I EVER SAW THEM, which was almost exactly six years ago from this gig, which is insaaaane. The space is kind of narrow so there's not a huge amount of stage barrier space right at the front, so Becky and I ended up pretty much at the front but almost aa-all the way stage left/Jeremy-side. coulda been worse hehehe. We kind of loitered and chatted with nearby folks, I think maybe becky checked out merch ahead of the show ? but I kind of just held down the fort, enjoying setup stuff, pete running around etc hehe. getting BLASTED by the AC, which was nice.

the ummmm the opener! our first experience with Pierre! I gotta say his general style is not for me, despite the fact that I do think he's very talented and good at the thing he's doing. this first night especially he was SO sweaty and I felt bad for him lmao, you could like see it dripping off him. i am so curious as to why/how he got paired with the boys for this tour, like, what aligned in such a way that this match was made, because my general vibe on the crowd/his audience/etc was that we the fans of the nerdy white english mathy rocker guys were not exactly his demo LOL. BUT i will say in DC I do think he had one little pocket of strong-contingency fans because I kept hearing big whoops and cheers coming from one specific audience spot and I loved that for him lmao. for some reason i cannot explain I actually almost found his backing/support musician guy (the guy who was basically his version of peter) more compelling. I wanna know THAT dude's story lol.

so when he finished up we had a little interlude aaaannndd the setlist appeared... hehe. I could def have peered up to look at it from where I was, but I was telling myself I wanted to be surprised, and was deliberately looking away........ until suddenly everyone around me was gasping and going HOLY SHIT and I was like, ugghhh okay, I will check JUST enough to figure out what that's all about, and what that was all about was immediately apparent because smack in the middle of the set were a Man Alive track (which we never get in the states bar MY KZ) and something that just said "New Song." AND LIKE, OKAY, THAT'S A JUSTIFIED HOLY SHIT. new song????? so now we had THAT to contend with coming up, and aaaaaaah. ahh. yeah holy shit indeed.

it's also while we're standing there that AG pops into view, (or maybe I first spotted him during Pierre's set? Chronology is irrelevant), back off behind Becky from me in the other direction, and we waved over at him to say hi and he says to us, "All four of them are bleached blond." And my gut instinct was to be like, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, but also the truth in my heart was that there was absolutely no justification for not believing them, because of course they would, and sure enough these bozos roll out onto the stage and they are all four draco malfoy-ass bleach blond. God it looks a mess on Jeremy LOL and while the color/dye job wasn't bad on Alex, it was clear his finer hair wasn't holding up as well against the chemicals because it was just a fluffy riot mess. BUT GOD IT WAS REALLY SO INCREDIBLY STRIKING OF A VISUAL for them to be all be wearing all pure white/beige clothes and then to have this bleach-white hair and all of it catching and glowing under the stage lights... god... clearly the effect they were going for and it WORKED, IT REALLY DID. I think it looks so damn goofy (mostly on jez) out of context but it's ABSOLUTELY nailing the Everything Everything Gig Costumes energy/uniform thing that I felt like they'd drifted away from a little the past couple tour cycles, I'm so incredibly here for it

The set!!!! The gig!!!!!!! it wasn't a wildly different set from what we'd seen in CA last year, obviously RDF-heavy supplemented with a heaping helping of singles from the other albums too, but I remember thinking Leviathan and Pizza Boy were especially excellent aaaah. And Schoolin'! And the NEW SONG! The two pieces of it I IMMEDIATELY absorbed and retained were 'the image of a little yellow face to tell you that I'm sorry' and 'I love you like an atom bomb,' and I was spouting those two pieces back to anyone who wanted to talk to me about it for the rest of the night. I'm so lyrics-pilled/vocalist-biased. Which was.... Unfortunate, for this DC gig, because I do think the audio mix was pretty rough - at least from where we were standing so close to the front, I wonder if it was at least a tiny bit better further back into the crowd in the area the sound system was probably primarily calibrated for - and we were REALLY losing Jon in the mix, especially underneath how enthusiastically the crowd was singing along a lot of the time. We were on Jeremy's side of the stage and we were really just getting a LOT of Jeremy. (Which, the bass did sound absolutely fantastic, so hard to complain about that, at least, but still.) I was very thankful to be going to a few more gigs beyond this one so that this wasn't my only experience with it, especially New Song!!! Plus there were a bunch of other little tech difficulties too? Near the beginning of the new song, Jon's guitar strap came detached and wouldn't reconnect, and after struggling a bit with that he decided to just drift back and pass it off the stage to their tech guy--but he was still kind of singing/holding the mic, so as he moved on stage, the mic cable yanked the microphone stand straight over, too. Then the rest of the night that stand was pretty precarious and nearly fell two other times, only caught at the last minute by a true homie who was standing directly in front of it in the audience lmao. I think Becky yelled HIRE HIM! at one point. Annnnd also for like a whole verse of NOTLK jez's bass boards just kind of Gave Up. He tried switching to his other instrument but that wasn't working either, and then finally it all sort of came back online, so he played a little stretch with the wrong bass and then was able to switch back to the right bass when there was a lull in his part. SHAMBLES. lmfao. god it was a great gig though. SO FUCKING GOOD TO BE BACK I LOVE BAND UWAAAAAHH I WAS SO SWEATY AND HAPPY

afterrrr da gig, we needed very badly to drink water and so we managed to do that I believe, and we kind of loitered in the Merch Line Situation trying to figure out what was going on. I had kind of resolved not to buy merch until at least NY, part because I really didn't want to be lugging anything around with me for too much of my trip (esp on this night where I walked) and part because I'd read a post that Irving Plaza was among the venues who'd committed to not taking a cut of band merch sales and letting them keep it all, and I was like, well obvi that's where I want to spend my money. Plus it was cash only in DC and since I'd kind of told myself NY I didn't even have cash out, so it was nothing. BUT!!! homie Adrian whomst I had met at the DC Foals show last December had been there, a few people ahead of me in the queue and also rocking out yaayyy, and he was trying to get merch but the ATM inside the venue literally did not have any more cash left inside it to dispense because everyone was taking out so much of it to buy merch AAAH. so he reached out to me like 'you're going to more shows than just this one right?' and asked if I'd pick him up the stuff he wanted later and then mail it to him so he didn't have to contend with international shipping and I was like aaaah absolutely! yay gig comradeship!

so I think becky finally committed to getting in the merch line and I was mostly just waiting With Becky and there weren't a ton of people left because the venue was trying to clear out, but the handful of us who were still there, a wild Alex Robertshaw appeared up near the stage/bar. we vibed out whether he was receptive to Fan Bothering at this time but it seemed legit, so a bunch of us went over and socialized with him and took some pics, got some signatures, etc, woooo. We tried to vibe out from him also if the other guys were gonna be coming out, and when and where, but y'all know Alex is the awkwardest member of this band by a country mile and we didn't really have too coherent of a discourse at this point in time lmao. Not sure who talked to him about what at this point as I was just trying to hold down the fort and be Normal. I was able to give Alex the bracelet I'd made for him at this point (he was so cute studying on it and reading it ahaha - "rave-- kevin-- kevins rave KEVIN'S RAVE" and he smiled and I felt cool), and also meanwhile Pete was still running around stage doing roadietech type stuff and I sort of politely flagged him down like "do what you need to do if you need to do it but also: Hi lol" and I got to give him his bracelet as well! yay ♥. He complimented my shirt--I'd been getting a lot of compliments on it honestly, it's their Yellow Bird Project shirt that Jon designed some time ago, only I replaced the plain white sleeves of the original unisex tee with some sort of vermilion "girly fit" sleeves that are more comfy to me and kind of give the shirt a different look haha--and I sort of joked on that, said as much, oh, I swapped the sleeves out, "It's to cover up how sweaty I get." and Pete gave me a deadpan look and went "You don't even want to go there with me" and I was like "YEP I FEEL MUCH THE SAME" and I think we both enjoyed a moment of feeling very Seen about the sweatiness hehehehehe. I love Pete he is my heckin Friend With no additional merch purchases (merchases) (hm, no) the venue was finally for realsies ejecting us so we drifted back out into the streets and just like... okay... now what........ this was the point at which I think our Band Groupie-ing Crew became me, Becky, Danielle in the fox ears/tail, and a lanky youth named S.P. whom I'd talked to in line earlier while doling out bracelets (he had the good E E baseball cap; he asked for an Arc bracelet and I commended him for being an Arc fan, since I feel like they are a dwindling/rarer breed, and then I offered up my hot take that Violent Sun is just the second coming and second pass at Duet, which he thought was spicy, and then he asked for my most controversial E E take and I told him that I don't really like Tin very much and he told me he doesn't really like Shark Week very much and we agreed to disagree and have a good night LOL) (anyway I digress !). It was a warm enough night and none of us really had places to be so we didn't mind just loitering and trying to suss out some more Guys other than just Alex and Pete, but slowly but surely we became basically the only fans left sticking it out. so we stuck together! We split up to try to find if there was a rear stage door at the back and SP and I went one way (the long way RIP) and Becky and Danielle went the other way and it turns out the way that SP and I went was an alleyway just FULL of rats. Too many rats in DC!! People like to talk about rats in NYC but I saw WAY more in Washington just vibing out on the sidewalks and eating trash. I'm not anti-rat, they live there and deserve to live, but oh man it was just. I did not especially want a rat encounter LOL. The rat alley DID actually lead us to where the bus was though!!, but there was also a venue security guy there who was immediately like "Nope, back up, leave, bye" and we were like. understood have a nice day, and doubled around a different way to meet back up with the other two. wwwwelp.

We loitered a bunch more and eventually saw Alex and his homies like, AT LEAST two more times, but we ultimately never saw anyone else. They p much confirmed for us that because this was the first night of the tour, they had a really intense load-out, and everyone was jetlagged to all fuck, that they probably wouldn't ever make it out, even though at least once Alex had said something ambiguous/optimistic enough to imply that they might yet, but really it just got SO late that we couldn't justify still being there for nothing instead of being like. asleep. lol. SP and Danielle got rideshares, Becky and I walked back as far as her hotel together, and then I hiked the rest of my way back too and went the fuck to SLEEP!!! FIRST GIG IN THE BOOKS!! WHAT A LOVELY NIGHT GOD IT WAS JUST SO BEAUTIFUL TO BE SEEING THEM AGAIN ngl I think the blond is really attractive on Mike with his darker brows/beard and I'm always a sl*t for jonathan so like. beautiful. finally some delicious fucking food

it was super nice of my mom's friend to let me stay with him!!! I was so delighted to see his cats again, I remembered them from the last time I was there like six or so years ago, they're sooooo floofy and beautiful aahh. he also provided me with a white noise fan without me even asking which was SO choice. zzzzz. My plan was to get up in the morning, get coffee someplace nearby at wherever he recommended, and then hit the road forrrr... Philadelphia!!! Night two!!!! I got some breakfast tacos at a hella legit place, messed up my coffee/milk/sugar ratio ever so slightly but not in an undrinkable way, and then frickin. autobot rolled out. This drive was not bad at ALL, I timed it pretty much exactly like I planned it to, which was to: get to my friend's place where I was crashing in philly with, ideally, enough time to take a small nap before I had to do anything else, because, god, despite being pretty exhausted and sleeping okay on the nice guest bed in DC, I had BARELY slept the night before I left just from Travel Antsiness and from both staying up way later and waking up way earlier than I meant to unintentionally, and a second little recharge zzz before I went and did it all over again really hit the spot.

It was soooo nice to see Mads again and to see Mr. Angus and also meet BENNY!! More host cats!! They are suuuch silly good little lads, Mads and I had a ton of Kitty Chat and just vibing out and talking about concerts and fandom and stuff, I was so thankful she let me stay with her and getting to hang out was icing on the cake of this trip! She pointed me toward the trolley I'd need to take to get to the venue, and after my baby snzzz and drinking a ton of water and suiting up in my Arc-inspired look (literally just a sweatshirt dress I bought specifically because it was color-blocked very very much like the jackets/outfits they toured Arc in, I saw it and bought it immediately lmfao) I journeyed into the city, hoping to just find a place to eat in the vicinity of the gig! I was way closer up in the queue this time, the people in front of me were really just like.... the usual suspects, Annika+squad and David+squad (incl. Becky, who'd apparently already been there when I got there but wasn't there when I arrived), and also a super-nice woman immediately in front of me named Robin who I MEGA hit it off with!!! Hanging out with her was such an awesome part of my experience at this gig!!! she's COMPLETELY Offline which is so powerful for her but I hope there's some capacity in which we can continue to be friends because she ruled.

There was a Dominican(? I think) place like one block down from the venue where a couple in front of me had gotten some stuff and so I ran down there to snag food too and holy shit this man gave me so much goddamn food. Just a HUGE pile of rice and beans and some pork ribs, and I got a pineapple fanta, and I just popped a squat on the sidewalk and ate as much of it as I could which was probably not even half of what he gave me but it wasn't even that expensive so god bless. Once I wasn't dealing with my food sitch any more I was freed up to pass out a bunch of bracelets again, and I even got a couple more trades, one that was just a bunch of black beads and a bunch of Xs and one that says 'BUSSY' which I am elated about, thank you so fucking much lmao. Also someone offered to trade me an ibuprofen LOL and I was like no that's fine the bracelet can be free... for now, but I will keep that in mind if I change my mind later LOL aaahhh i was just so excited to give the bracelets out it was such a good vector for socializing and making Friends and Gig Buddies. I did learn p quickly at Philly that I should have made way more Man Alive, GTH, and Raw Data feel bracelets because those were basically the first to go every night and then I got stuck with just sad unloved Re-Animators and AFDs :( I was trying to like! do equal amounts of everything to give everything the love because I love them all! but people got favorites out there damn lmao. I was happy to be able to give Robin the MY KZ one because she said that's the first song she ever heard by them and it's special to her because of that (and then also it's been in the touring set and she got to hear them perform it too yay!!! I don't remember if she said she'd seen them before but it had just been a very very long time, or what, idk, aaaah).

We were R I G H T on the stage at this venue, slightly more to Alex's side this time, and the lip/rise of the stage was not very high at ALL and it felt almost like... intimidating, or like it shouldn't have been ALLOWED, for us to be that close to the stage. :flushed emoji: jeez lmao. I didn't fuck w merch here either but some people around me did I think and I held their spots, and a nice kid from right behind me in the queue brought me a Liquid Death which was so incredibly sweet. Pierre's set passed much as it had in DC, lmao; his other musician guy had a sweet fit on, though, this like two-piece set that was a really really dark/muted camo, a blazer over a black top and then matching like athleisure-fit pants and black boots, it was a fuckin look. They had a song at the very end of Pierre's Philly set that I don't think they'd done in DC (and that I didn't get in PGH either, it turned out), and ironically that was actually probably far and away the song of his I enjoyed the most, so I got kind of into it there at the end! but MAN was I ready to see the boys instead. hnnnn.

LADS SO CLOSE TO ME. JUST RIGHT THERE AND SINGING AND ROCKING. the set was aaaalmost exactly the same as DC, but in Philly they shifted Bad Friday up out of the encore and back into the set proper, and then replaced it in the encore with Violent Sun, which I admit I'd been bummed to not see in DC because I think the Violent Sun/No Reptiles encore double whammy is so incredibly crucial to the vibe. Warmed me to have it back in. Obviously Pittsburgh had so many other contributing factors that put it over the edge, but if it weren't for all of those, I think Philly would've been my favorite/best experience of these four gigs. Jon was spicy (he sang so many of the Original Rejected naughty lyrics, this is where we got 'he's a vegetable now' for the first and only time and also the only gig of the four where he leaned into the 'Arch Jeremy' gag in Arch Enemy, hehehehe, plus also motherfuckin' distant past which is not uncommon), and we got way more of the New Song-- through the whisper network of Becky, AG, David, etc., etc., we'd pieced together enough info to know by now that apparently the title of the song was in the lyrics of the chorus, and so I think it was in Philly that we all pretty much determined/decided that this was Cold Reactor. I love you like an atom bomb and I've become a cold reactor. I wasn't diving as DEEP into SONG DECIPHERING as some other folks were, but I did like kind of working on it at my own pace and absorbing it into my heart and my understanding of the band and what they're about to start doing, and so this was really great, for me, here, beautiful, beautiful. I took almost NO pics and vids at this one because my phone was kind of dying but also mostly just because I was honestly having such an enormously great time and I didn't feel the need to try to do anything other than be present in my body at the gig and experience it live. you KNOW?? LIKE!! MUSIC. man. EDIT TO ADD: I forgot to mention a small tech flub that was actually so charming, where near the very end of Arch Enemy jon seemed to be having trouble with his guitar board in the front, and he spent so long in the outro squinting down at it and trying to resolve the issue that he didn't fully come in on the It's time to show your face! bit at the proper time, and he ended up just saying "It's time to show your face." right into the mic very unaffected and straight-up in his regular speaking voice at the very, very end when the song was basically over. lol. he is cute. everyone is cute.

(I WILL ALSO SAY I got the giggles SO BAD at david and amanda's gudetama they slipped onto the stage, oh my god--I was going to take a joke video just dramatically zooming in on it, as one does, except right when I went to do that it got caught up in jon's mic cable and just TUMBLED AND JOSTLED ALL OVER THE PLACE and that fucking GOT me and I was DYING and it was right at like. the serious, heartstring-tugging, fuck-yeah parts of No Reptiles where I'm supposed to be at CHURCH and instead I'm losing my shit into hysterics over this poor gudetama just rolling everywhere alksdhjglaksd, I had to bury my face in Becky's shoulder for a measure or more and try to recover, oh my godddd. EGGS!) -- (OH ALSO I LMAO I HAVE SEVERAL AUDIENCE MEMBER ~BITS THAT I AM DOING just like, clapping here or there, participating actively in certain parts of things, and one that I kept doing for some asshole clown reason was singing along with/lampshading Alex's quick backing vox on the second verse of Spring Sun Winter Dread-- Philly was probably the place where I was the most prominent/obvious/easy to see doing it, and it made both him and Jeremy REALLY snicker, ahahaha I'm sorryyyyyyy for being obnoxioussssss)

The merch/loitering sitch was sli-iiightly more locked down, in here; there was only so long Marty and I could pretend to be thinking about merch/hanging out with people who were actually in line but not actually being in line before they really truly wanted us to leave, and they were pretty pissed that I even left the venue with an empty/ice-only water cup, never mind any dreams of re-entry. The militant energy of the security at this venue compared to how relatively chill and normal DC had been (for two venues I would say of comparable size/seriousness) was def my least favorite part of the Philly experience. I was outside, finishing my water and chitchatting with some artsy youths who were also unimpressed with security, and Becky's messaging me like "they're in here!" and I'm like "well I'm not and I can't come back so you gotta tell them to come out here!" lmao. But they did!!! All the guys came out before too long and I very delightfully got to talk to everyone. I gave Mike and Jeremy the bracelets I'd made for them - THEY both apologized to ME outright for not coming out to chat the night before?? like hello you’re the band we’re the fans you don’t owe us anything - they kind of came toward my side of the door first, and talked and chatted some, vs Jon sort of peeling the other way to the other half of the loiterers - I honestly have lost track of the sequence of events here and what happened when, but it was largely unimportant hehe. (Gosh, but then I keep randomly remembering other unrelated details. Like, for example, Black Cat gave me their big ol' signature black cat hand stamp, and I'd been thinking, oh this will be fun to watch my four hand stamps stack from these four gigs, the way I got two together from The Altogether/Matt Duncan double feature back in July, and then Underground Arts put theirs on the INSIDE OF MY WRIST and not the back of my hand, and both Irving and T-Bird just did wristbands. BUMMER.) But mostly just Seeing Band, Talking To Band. This was when I overheard Alex definitely confirm to someone that the new song is called Cold Reactor, and he sort of half-seriously half-not said they just didn't call it that on the setlist in case there was another "New Song" they might want to decide to start playing there instead at the last minute, even though the longer this goes on the more confident we are that they're not going to do that and that Cold Reactor is gonna be a new single that probably drops once this tour is over <___< eyes emoji. Also, between Wednesday and Thursday we also knew that the bleach-blond hair is for Lore Reasons, which we assume are to do with Cold Reactor and the album it will be on, because of course it is. stupid. jonathan higgs I want to crawl inside your deranged pisces mind and meld with it vulcan style.

anyway, as far as my short term memory can be relied upon/will tell me is the truth, I think Jon was actually the last person I ended up in contact with on this night; I was drifting over toward him but someone else was still engaged in an active conversation with him, so I was like, well obviously I will wait my turn and let other people have jonathan time even though I'm the biggest jonathan girlie, I can just hang and go in when he frees up, and so I was turned slightly away from him listening in on other convos and talking to Becky and maybe Annika or a couple other people, and then suddenly there's a delicate hand on the back of my shoulder and Jon's right in my fucking ear ominously going "hello." askdjhgka. He was soooo cute and nice, I gave him the bracelet I made him as well (which was "I wanna be there" from Violent Sun and shades of re-animator orange) and he was immediately like Oh, of course you, are the bracelet distributor, and I was like hehehe yes, and he asked if I also had to do with the gudetama and I was like absolutely not I have no idea what is going on there lmfao. and I think amanda and david did take credit for it at that time of course so yes hehe. Ended up in a fun casual chitchat with Jon and Becky for most of the rest of the time here, with her trying to squeeze him for info about the new song and album and lore hehehe and him being his typical cryptic trolly cagey Jon, and it was all in incredibly good fun; he noticed her bracelet too, and she pointed it out like Yes I got the one that says This Is The Prophecy from big climb because it hearkens back to that bit they were doing on twitter from way before that song even came out so I gave her that one on purpose duh lol, and Jon says "Oooh yep I forgot about that. .. Album..." and mimed swiping his hair back like whoopsie lmao and it was such a silly little half-self-neg on Re-Animator lol, and so I said "WELP too bad! because the one I made from you is one of those too haha!" and he took another look at it as if to remind himself about it and then went "Well yeah that one's good" with a wryer wickeder laugh and I was like lmao tell us how you really feel. But like he's right violent sun is perfect and I actually labored so long over what I was going to have jon's say because he was the only person I didn't have a really solid concrete idea of what to make for and ALSO he was the only one I REALLY wanted to get PERFECT because it's important to me and yeah. so it was. reassuring for him to like the violent sun one. idk anyway.

The woman we'd seen running around doing a lot for them, including merch, who recognized us from DC the night before and was fun and glib about it, and who turns out to be: Tour Manager Sam, finally had enough of our fucking about and started very efficiently organizing us all into "everyone who wants a pic with themself + all four guys come get in Now and I'm gonna play photographer and then we all gotta go the fuck home" and I respected it SO much lmao, so we had sort of a rotating queue of group picture taking and then the guys all went back inside the venue (I kind of fingerguns'd Jon like "New York :D?" and he looked at me just SO Put Out and just deadpanned "Of course you're going to be there." of course!! lmfao) and we started talking amongst ourselves just out of reluctance to let the night end/social energy we still wanted to wallow in and that was cute and nice. I said goodbye to some folks who weren't going any further on the tour. I had such a wonderful night. Then, lo and behold, we turn around and Jeremy's up on the stoop of the venue, and he's like, I think I've locked myself out. I am locked out and I also don't have my phone on me. lmfao jez. he goes "I am going to blame jonathan" and we allowed him that. I was like, do you want me to TWEET AT SOMEONE LOL and he was like good god no they'll come back for me eventually, and then yes they did, and THEN we all left hahahaha. becky insisted on sticking with me part of the way to the trolley but I was like, it is coming in 14 minutes and it says it's gonna take me 12 minutes to get there I gotta GO!, and I freaking missed it anyway!!! and then I had to wait like OVER HALF AN HOUR MORE for the next one and i didn't even get ON the trolley till like 12:50 and it was soooo late before I was back at mads's place aiyaa. But, all in all, TRULY SUCH A GOOD NIGHT I JUST LOVE BEING IN AN ACTIVE BUZZY FANDOM SPACE AND MEETING FANS AND PARASOCIALING AND DANCING AND SINGING AND DOING ARTS N CRAFTS. you KNOW?? you know. you're on tumblr you get it.

The Philly to Jersey (pre-NYC) leg of my road tripping was set to be Thee shortest drive I had to make the whole time, so I let myself have time in the morning to keep snoozing and fucking about, even though I once again woke up way earlier than I'd hoped to and didn't ever make it back to sleep after that. But the tradeoff was still super nice and relaxing vibing with Madeline--I offered to buy her breakfast in exchange for the couch-crashin' and we got hella bagel sandwiches and cold brew from a place real close by her apartment, and scarfed 'em down while watching the most recent ep of Make Some Noise and just shooting the shit (again, largely about either fandom or kitty cats. We are simple folk). My sandwich contained salmon, a fried egg, and the most incredible sloppy caramelized onions, what a banger. The last truly good food I truly enjoyed before my mega super Travel Tummy set in and wrecked my whole shop metabolically speaking, rip. I took a little rinsy-rinse shower at her place too, and then finally made myself get up and Go to do the runaround silly business of driving to and parking in NJ, taking the ferry in to Manhattan, and then taking the subway to Allegra's place for NIGHT THREE IN NEW YORK CITY WOOOOO. I LOVE going to E E with Allegra!!!!! Once again I used her place primarily as a spot to change out of my car clothes and into my gig clothes (it's RDF night; I wore an oversized pale beige button-up shirt, actually left over from my Foals Antidotes costume from last halloween hahaha, gussied up with E E pins and jewelry) and to fuck about with bracelets. I made Allegra a special In Birdsong bracelet, the only one I did from that song :) because allegra is my special E E friend!! and she needs one of her special song!!! Fandom... is good. Allegra also had a kickass outfit. We stopped in at a tex-mex place she really wanted to try that was nearby the venue, and i got pretty nervous that it was gonna be a little late before doors for us to be hitting a sit-down dinner spot, but we rushed it along pretty well on the food and got our slice of dessert cake to go in a box and everything was A-OK. And I had time to hit a bodega for merch cash from the ATM and a pineapple soda for fortitude! let's GOOO irving plaza.

God, Irving was kind of a shitshow when it came to queuing and security though. There were a fair few people in line ahead of us, maybe just as many or slightly more than what I'd had in DC (definitely further back than Philly, although in line near us were the same also-eating-Dominican-food couple from the Philly gig, and I recognized them and was glad to see them again-- I FULLY DO NOT REMEMBER/DID NOT CATCH Y'ALL'S NAMES, AND I FEEL TERRIBLE BECAUSE WE HUNG OUT AND WORKED TOGETHER SO MUCH, i am so sorryyyyy), but then because it's not a sweet local friendly indie venue but is in fact Livenation As Hell, there's some person affiliated with the venue wandering up front offering some sort of VIP/fast pass line experience where you can just cough up some extra cash and get in your own special line and get to go in first regardless of how long other people have been queuing--you know the deal. Wack as hell. I think David and Amanda opted for this in some capacity, so I was happy for them about it, but a lot of the other people who ended up doing it had kind of rancid vibes of just like "concert-going" and not the very lovely communal sardine megafan energy everyone else had had thusfar. Also it put us where we were at in the queue standing in a place that just had a really terrible smell of sewage, which persisted almost the entire time we were there only to suddenly be replaced by a very powerful smell of bleach, as if whatever it was was suddenly being cleaned/sanitized. ICKY!! Annika was enough further ahead of us in line that I thought it might have only been over where we were but she said no she was definitely getting it too. new york city babey

Bracelet distribution got a little silly here, too, since the queue was wrapping SO far back and was being policed a little more stringently, but I had kind of figured I may need some kind of additional plan, especially since I'd decided not to wear my fanny pack (bum bag--fanny pack, says Jonathan Higgs in a derisive American accent, even as he's telling me he likes mine a lot, skdjshgalkj smh) since my shorts under my shirt had really capacious pockets and that just made for one less thing to worry about--I snagged a sheet of paper at Allegra's place, along with a gallon-size ziploc bag, and I put all the bracelets in there with a note that said to just take one if you wanted one and pass it back through the queue while we waited. It was kind of a crapshoot how effective I thought this was going to be, especially since I had to kind of wait to deploy it once there was a substantial queue BUT by the time there was a big queue it meant that I couldn't see exactly HOW big from where I was near-ish enough to the front, so I didn't know how far the bag was going to make it, if someone was going to end up stuck with my whole big bag at the back of the line (esp since I had a fair number of extra Philly bracelets left over that I lumped in with the NYC ones just because I still Had them).... whew...! BUT by the time Marty was there, he was further enough back from me that I asked him to kind of check up on it when it made it to him and keep passing it; and, by the time we were going inside, I could see zero sign of the bag itself but I DID catch a lot of people milling around me wearing bracelets, and one or two of them did stop me to thank me (since I'd indicated on my note in the bag that I was the person with green hair hahaha), and then I never saw 'em again, so I guess it was a relative success!! Yayyyyy!! WAY less conducive to making New Line Friends than the DC/Philly setup had been, but incredibly effective at making sure that all my bracelets found new homes rather than me having to take a huge handful home with me again and them just sitting in my house forever LOL. success! :)

tl;dr about the bracelets. not important compared to concert and band. WE GO INSIDE!! They have such dumb security/bag check. a gender-split process where the men get patted down by a dude guard and the women get patted down by a lady guard? In TYOOL 2023? you hate to see it. She felt the Sharpie in my back pocket and made me take it out and surrender it???? MY METALLIC BRONZE SHARPIE ? ? no sharpies in the venue I guess. Talked to at least one other person who got sharpie-confiscated too, but also at least two people who fully didn't and still had markers just fine. Absolute shenanigans. Allegra and I didn't quite get barrier due in part to fastpass line nonsense but we did end up right exactly behind Annika &co. with perfect sightlines, once again stage-left/Jeremy-ward-of-center. we don't hate it! my Philly pals to my left with David, Becky et al in front of them. Me fully surrounded by redheads. LOL.

this was the laaaatest show of my whole run, a whole lot of standing around just waiting for Band, and also definitely the energy of "trying to politely vibe to pierre kwenders's set because he can clearly see me and look straight at me even though I would much rather just skip to the bit I actually came for and don't necessarily need to see his set" just slowly increasing every night RIP lol. BUT WE MADE IT! ohhhh new york. EXACT same set as Philly but I couldn't even be mad about it because I was still so grateful to get a Man Alive song that wasn't just MY KZ (not that I don't love my kz obviously, but it HAS been in the set literally all eight times that I have seen E E live as of this Irving Plaza gig, and something else from that album is fun fresh delicious) (OH, SWEET THREEP OF FRIDAY EVENING, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW) and to be getting COLD REACTOR again, especially becaussseee by this point I knew just enough of the lyrics that I felt confident singing/mouthing along conspicuously with the parts that I Did know, aka I See You Sir I'm Doing The Thing Just Watch Me, god I wish I knew how to be not so fucking extra but then again no I don't. we did get saddled with some Rather Annoying audience members in our near vicinity--a couple I'd spotted in the fastpass line earlier wedged themselves hard between me and my tall redhead/mask-wearing homie from Philly, all like "ummm we're short :)" because they. were, but that didn't give them a right to be pushy and rude, and their vibes were kind of shit because the sense I got was they were mostly there because the girl really loved the band and the dude didn't know much about them at all, and also they were already drunk so early on in the set, and they were talking loudly with some other fans they'd just met and getting Lore™ explained to them and it was just a lot of. loud talking and shoving. in my vicinity. when I would have preferred for there to. not be. BUT Also materializing behind me was someone who said "I saw your bracelets on twitter do you still have any!!" and I had to be like UHHHH FUCK, NO, I turned them loose into the queue, did they not make it as far as you..?? and she sadly said no, and I was like, well the only one I have left is this one I just left on for tradesies/advertising purposes, and it says "akon in the butterfly house" so that's kind of a deep cut, if you're familiar-- and she went WAIT REALLY and seemed SUPER jazzed to get a Dave Sardine-ass bracelet and I was like OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, GOOD, ACTUALLY, because I'd made four of these and I knew they were going to be the deepest cut/hardest sell and I was really really hoping that whoever ended up with them would actually get and appreciate them. so thank you, andrea, for being that person, and for appearing exactly when the bracelet needed it most. so glad to have hung with you this night. sorry that you too found yourself among the ranks of the sharpie-confiscatees.

ANYWAY, OTHER THAN THAT, THIS AUDIENCE WAS FIRE AND THIS GIG SLAPPED. We were finally in a space and an environment that REALLY lent itself to the crowd actually full on bouncing/dancing instead of just kind of wobbling and vibing and everyone in my immediate zone was really going hard. I LOVE this fucking BAND. I love every song by this band. I love when Jon just points the mic at the crowd and the entire crowd sings the whole song word for word and note for note. I love that Jon was still desperately trying to cram the name of the host city into the start of My Kz, despite the fact that "Washington" subs for "Lucifer" perfectly (he has done this both times I've seen them in DC lol) but "Philadelphia" is WAY too stupid long and "New York City," while a syllable shorter, scans metrically in an extremely busted way and you could have just said EN WHY CEE or. y'know. lucifer. but okay man you do you. Jon was just as rowdy as the rest of us lmfao. he was like, climbing up and down off Mike's riser, he was finding people who were taking photos/videos and staring directly into their cameras (me fucking included--I'm sorry, Jon, you can't make eye contact with me while singing the "When I saw you, I fell in love" part of Leviathan, I am pretty sure that is illegal and a crime against my humanity), and basically all the tracks from Get To Heaven (plus like, Cough Cough and NOTLK) blew the fucking roof off the place. I think he donked some My Kz lyrics hehehe he just skipped to the alt lyrics of the chorus too early without completing the standard chorus first at the end, and a little flubbo in NOTLK and a tiny stutter in No Reptiles too, everyone was just TOO ROWDY and he's THROWN LOOPY and man did we not care. I said multiple times to people on this tour that pretty much the closest things I've ever experienced to true Religion are a) being in an E E audience for No Reptiles and b) being in a Hedwig audience for Midnight Radio. they're the same spiritually in my heart and also like do people who love Jesus feel this way and is this why. insane. the cult leader imagery was Not Wrong!!!!!

I wanna MERCH! I got in the line not too long after the show wrapped, but true to reports I'd heard about the pre-show merch line, it was moving verrryy slowly, with just one guy manning it who was not exactly quick and a card reader that seemed pretty chuggy too (but hey, at least NY was taking card). I'd known I wanted the poster--it's got my favorite neon orange on it, it really really slaps, and I wanted something to get signed--but I let myself talk myself into a t-shirt too, mostly because I was REALLY excited to buy E E merch apparel that wasn't black or white. Yellow!! a really freaking good yellow!! I wish the yellow ones had actually had the tour dates on them like the black and white ones did but the yellow branding has been pretty exclusive to this leg of tour (i.e. vs the red branding of the west coast one last year) and it looks soooo good with my hair that I don't especially mind. I also knew that Adrian wanted a copy of Caps Lock On, but that he also wanted a shirt, but I hadn't heard back from him about which shirt or what size so I just got the book and my stuff and then bounced. Communique from outside was that Alex had surfaced but no one else, but that Alex had promised appearances by the rest of them, but that also Alex was already gone and unlikely to return by the time I made it outside. I posted up with all my friends from inside, god this was SUCH a good sardine squad this night, and it took some waiting but eventually the promises came true! All the other boys surfaced and we had some REALLY great fan chats and mingling this tiimmmmee. oh my gosh. A guy came with a Modern Bison CD that Jon and Jeremy were really truly overjoyed to see and to sign and take pictures with; I talked to Jeremy about the bracelets some more because he'd been wearing the one I gave him the WHOLE GIG IN NEW YORK SO LIKE THAT'S GONNA BE IN ANY PHOTOS THAT WERE TAKEN PROFESSIONALLY SPEAKING, oh my gosshhh, he was so nice about it and enjoyed that his Arch Jeremy matched my Arch Emily, the vibes were impeccable; and then I got everyone to sign my poster, but of course Alex was gone already, so Jon offers to forge Alex's signature and goes "look it's like this" and draws some loopy scribble on there and I'm like, lmao, sure.

thing was... I had absolutely heard Jeremy signing something for someone else the night before talking about how he was getting really good at forging Alex's signature for him, since I guess it's normal for him to be the one that disappears the sneakiest (god he really is just the Justin Craig of this band, it's 1:1, huh), and so when I told Jeremy this, he was like "I'll do it" and I was like "no Jon did already do it" and he was going to just leave it then, like, oh, well, okay, but then he saw the mess Jon had made and he was like "--that's quite dreadful actually-- the trick is to not overthink it--" and so now my poster has two forged Alex Robertshaw signatures and zero authentic ones. l m f a o. (To be fair, I do have other things they've all four signed, and Jeremy's fake Alex is at least passable, and Jon's fake Alex is Absolute Dogshit Nothing. I am obsessed.) I even got Peter to sign! He was talking with another fan about a gift she'd given them in the past that had sadly been part of what they lost in their studio fire, it was really heartbreaking to hear. He also thanked me again for his bracelet and told me he planned to give it to his daughter and that she would love it. We took a pic together! Pete the GOAT.

While I was making the rounds with the other boys and other fans, Allegra mostly in tow, swapping sharpies among those of us who still had them, Becky was back with Jon, taking a couple videos for people who weren't there in NY to talk about stuff that they were curious about--I think in the context of Maria, Becky said something like, she thinks the hair is crazy, and Jon said into the camera something like, "If you think it's crazy Now, give it like two or three more weeks, and you're really gonna think it's crazy." SIR WHAT. If the blond is a precursor to something else happening I'm gonna be so the opposite of normal about it, and if the bleach is a stepping stone toward the boys dyeing their hair Other colors I am going to be PROFOUNDLY NOT NORMAL ABOUT IT, AND IF ANY MEMBER OF THE MANCUNIAN ROCK BAND EVERYTHING EVERYTHING HAS THEIR HAIR DYED GREEN ANY TIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE I AM GOING TO BE ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE. tyler the creator unfollow me right now etc. etc. etc. The more I've thought about it I don't THINK this is what's up--my sense is that any Cold Reactor music video is probably already filmed and ready to drop alongside the single pretty quick after the tour ends, rather than being something they're going to film/put together entirely post-tour, so they probably needed the bleachblond for some energy similar to how I felt about them when they first walked on stage in DC, but Oh man...... OH MAN............ I digress. anyway.

following up from that, Allegra (I think? Or maybe still Becky and allegra was just Present) addressed the notion of the hair being related to the Lore, and like, did that mean lore for the single/the upcoming album ? ? which was what we were assuming, and Jon said some demented and ominous and extremely exciting phrase like, "The lore for this one is.... b o t t o m l e s s" in his always-startling real deep Jon voice, and that was the fucking sound bite of the evening, folks. FOLKS. ALLEGRA AND I WENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO HER APARTMENT JUST CONTINUALLY SAYING "THE LORE IS BOTTOMLESS!" my body is so god damn ready.

We bid farewells to all our friends for whom NYC was their final stop on this tour!! SAD!!!!!! Going to miss all the homies T___T it's not fair that we're not just all going to every single stop on this tour I don't think? it should actually be illegal for us not to be present when the band is performing?? the hugest RIP. Hugs exchanged all around. Me trying to say bye to Jon but he's engaged with someone else so I think I just awkwardly said "See you tomorrow" twice and then we left. becky maaaybe trying to last minute scramble to also come to pgh now despite not really having accounted for it in her plans originally ? ? I was not certain what she intended here but I supported her. yes. me, annika and AG for sure being there at least. we ride. Back to allegra's where I did, unfortunately, sleep ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLY/BASICALLY NOT AT ALL due to being so hot and stuffy in my little nest on the floor that it was making me nauseated, I think I got maybe 2.5 hours tops, but I didn't really have a choice because if I wanted to be back home in time to do ANYTHING other than just rock straight over to the queue for Thunderbird then I knew I was going to have to leave so GOD DAMN early in the morning to haul ass back to where my car was and then drive the seven hours to pgh. But I did exactly that!!!! bitch!!!!! Other than some issues like, managing to make a timely pit stop for gas/potty/coffee, I endured the miserable long roadtrip despite myself, raging my way through the poconos, downing the largest cold brew Wawa would sell me, having a truly tragic car vs quesadilla incident, etc. My BFF Francis even got on the phone with me for the last hour or so and we chatted and I got to give them the whole update on the tour thus far, so fun! They MIGHT try to go to the Chicago stop next week!!! if they feel like they can swing it, and I was like ok no pressure but also it's been an extraordinary experience for me thusfar and I highly recommend. So if you see Francis at E E Chicago please holler at them kindly from me!!! :) But at the very least they said they did want a T-shirt and venmo'd me money to buy them one, since I was already still gonna have to get one for Adrian. woooooo

I got home with, yeah, basically exactly enough time to shower, get my outfit together, and regroup before heading to the venue !!! I JUST BARELY missed the bus that would've gotten me there the most promptly, largely due to not being able to find another fucking Sharpie since irving plaza took my first one lmfao, and it ended up being quicker to walk there than to wait the 36 minutes it would've been for another bus or whatever. I still had MEGA travel tummy so I just snagged an apple and scarfed it down on the walk over. Annika was already there queuing! so we hung out in line together and waited and drank the waters we had definitely brought in from outside the bar and just vibed lol. and she was like, I heard them checking two new songs that haven't been in the setlist yet, and I was like ha ha lol like what, and she said, kevin's car and leave the engine room.

and listen, I was optimistic. that my social media obnoxiousness and well-known, easily observable public desires might yet sway them, because come on it's my hometown and it's the last show i'm gonna see on this tour and I sent them donuts, and those were MEANT as a KINDNESS and an ENTHUSIASM FOR DONUTS and not as a bribe, but if anyone wanted to interpret them as a bribe anyway whomst was I to say no, but like. just because I want the band i like to do a thing absolutely does not mean that they have to fucking do it. I want to be crystal clear that i have never at any point EXPECTED them to do this. i just. hoped. yearned in my heart of hearts. and also had very sound rationale for how possible/likely it was. Here's How Engie Room Can Still Win. yfm. but the soundcheck all but confirmed it in my soul for me. and I was like... glad, that she'd been there and caught it and could tell me about it, because it gave me time to like, come to terms with the reality of it, emotionally. AAH. AAAAAHHH, OKAY. BITCH, PLIABLE HEAD, IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

we lingered and watched the queue form behind us-- I spotted a kid I'd seen at the Philly show, god bless. Everywhere we turn, repeat customers. I was telling my work friend today, I feel like the US fanbase for E E is significantly smaller than the UK audience, but we make up for it in that we go fucking hard. Every US fan is a superfan. there are no half-assed american sardines. and that has been so BEAUTIFUL and means the WORLD to me to be sharing it with the other ones of you. Bracelet sharing rocked at this gig!! I had exactly as many as I'd set aside for Pittsburgh and no more, since all my spares had evaporated up at Irving, A new person ALSO HAD BRACELETS!!! LIKE, for realsies Made For Trading At This Show Specifically bracelets, it was suuuuch a delight, so in addition to my eclectic collection from the previous gigs I now also have one that says RAW DATA FEEL with some truly choice glow in the dark bric-a-brac on there as well, and my heart was so warm aaaaaah. fwiendship :) Also spotted in the pre-doors queue were the Pizza Boy costumed guy and a woman I met at Foals in 2019?? who I guess automatically recognizes me because of the green hair, but just. omg. the community!!!! I'm dying!!!!!!

There was a slight will-call kerfuffle that nevertheless did not stop me from being dead center dead at the front right in front of where jonathan's mic was destined to be, and I was like. god. here we go. the home stretch. This was ABSOLUTELY the WORST place to be to be pretending to be interested in pierre's set, because he kept looking straight at me and dog I gotta admit four shows in I was feeling pretty tired. like, the energy of E E Itself was going to fully reinvigorate me, but nearly everything else on the planet was like totally disinteresting and I wasn't really up for it, especially when it's my semi-sex-repulsed ace-spectrum ass being just really put off by the suggestive gyrations of a performer that is not to my tastes. UM SORRY BYE HAHA. they didn't even play the one song I kind of liked. I managed to miss like two and a half songs of his set being still locked in the merch line at least lmao. literally WHILE I WAS STANDING IN THE MERCH LINE they sold out of the yellow shirt and I couldn't get me and francis matchies so I had to get them the black instead :( but thankfully they still had the one Adrian wanted because idk what I would have done if I had to scramble for a plan B with him on short notice haha. and I had EXACTLY enough cash for the two shirts left from the day before and I was paying Tour Manager Sam with it like oh my gosh I'm so sorry this is like my sweaty pocket cash from last night this is kinda gross and she was just like, No actually that's honestly exactly how I've been rolling as well and it is kind of gross so like agreed hahaha. She's the best. Idk how long she'll be tenured to them but I'd love to see her continue to exist in like their coterie moving forward. impeccable vibes.

also used merch waiting as a way to distribute more bracelets and get a drink of water! WOOHOO NOW I AM READY TO RECEIVE MY COMMUNION THANK YOU. they put the setlists down and there was a very small fraction of me that wanted to avert my eyes but like I. I had to know. and annika said yes there are new songs in the list. and I peered into the list and my song was there.

hey guys. hey guys? look, this was for me. I have to be honest with you. i manifested this. by being annoying on twitter. by being god's specialest costume-making donut-gifting bracelet-slinging weirdo. I'm owning it and it's mine. I was exactly EXACTLY right with "well, if they put Engine Room in they'll probably take Leviathan out, because they'd kind of fill the same role of slow moody song in the set, and then they'll probably swap in a different non-Man Alive song to compensate for Engine Room being there instead," and this is exactly what happened, and so then not only did I get Engine Room but I also got REGRET, WHICH IS ALSO AN EMILY THREEPWILLOW PLIABLE HEAD SONG, BECAUSE HERE THESE NERDLORD KINGSHIT BANDBOYS ARE IN MY GODDAMN BACK YARD, they're in my house and god it took me the whole fucking set up to then to just prepare, like I had to try not to think about it so I could enjoy what was right in front of me. God it was so fucking, fucking good. our position along the stage had Alex's stuff REALLY forward in the mix which was kind of new for me, but jon was just right there and every time I lifted my hands to dance and to yearn it was like, the only thing stopping me from touching you is my own sense of propriety and not any kind of physical barrier or distance, and the person immediately behind me was seeing the band for the first time and felt similarly about NOTLK as I did to Engine Room and those two songs were literally back to back in the set so we kind of screamed and cried and died together, I gave her a huge hug, and LOL SORRY NOT SORRY THAT I GOT MY KZ AND LEVIATHAN TAKEN OUT OF THE SETLIST FOR Y'ALL, PITTSBURGH, I DO FEEL KIND OF BAD BUT THIS WAS UMMM IMPORTANT TO ME, THANK YOU, goodbye. goodbye I left the planet. I thought I was going to cry and I nearly did but I didn't, but I did actually maybe start hyperventilating. like I'm glad I knew it was coming ahead of time because if it had been a full surprise I think whatever was happening to my lungs would have been exponentially worse and I may have even fainted.

(which, btw: jonathan. jon. when he came out on stage, he almost immediately got his mic cable caught on the edge of where his setlist was taped down, and in jerking it around, he whipped the setlist up off the floor and way upstage toward where Pete was; when he finally put it to rights and taped it back down, he just left it where it was at, far enough away from me that I definitely could not read it anymore; and like DID YOU DO THAT ON PURPOSE? TO MOVE IT OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT, TO MAYBE KEEP ME FROM READING IT? SURELY YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT I'D ALREADY SEEN IT LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO. NICE TRY BUT IT'S TOO LATE I SAW EVERYTHING. i love him. i'm in physical pain.)

knowing this was my final one, I went so, so, incredibly hard, I let myself dance and mosh and scream and take way more pics and videos than I had before, I leaned on the lip of the stage, I had an absolute fucking blast. When the set was over a few other people who were more strategically positioned (i.e. people who had not had their most easily accessible setlists unceremoniously yoinked several feet away) snatched up the closest ones way quick; there was a general tension in the crowd at being able to see jon's, but it being further away out of reach, and one ballsy-ass kid (the "Kevin" person who'd accompanied the pizza boy person) actually clambored up onto the stage and ninja'd over and took it for himself, which inspired two copycats to do the same for some discarded guitar picks (and all of which definitely provoked a very loud, unimpressed, authoritative barking of "HEY!!!" from some security somewhere, like, they definitely shouldn't have done that!! yikes!!!!). I, instead, very patiently waited for an opportune moment to get the attention of their short king guitar tech as he was running around doing teardown, and someone else flagged him first and got pete's setlist, and in my final moments I got him to get me mike's. Gang, I'm gonna be real with you, I was not leaving my Pittsburgh hometown show in which they played Leave The fucking Engine Room without a setlist. there would've been blood or at the very least tears. so like. thank god lmao. Satisfied, we got some water and then headed out!!!

It was a long, chilly wait for the boys outside--god, the chilliness was REFRESHING, though, it's October for crying out loud, and DC and Philly and NY had all been muggy sweaty hot with no need for even long pants, much less a jacket, but I was glad I'd had the forethought to wear my flannel around my waist to cover up the YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT printed around the ass of my shorts on my walk over to deter questions, lmfao. We easily identified the spot on the side of the venue where we assumed the guys were coming out, it was all just a matter of time. (AG and I getting some confusing-to-parse messages from Becky? Idk my phone was SUPER dying so I was trying to leave it on airplane as much as possible, I didn't even make it to the end of the night, RIP needing to use my map all day in the car and even with it plugged in spending more than I was juicing of the battery. Listen i needed PICS and VIDEOS!!) I saw Jon first, and he almost looked past me before spotting me there because I was pretty close to the corner of the block, and I just stared at him, and said, May I hug you. and he said, of course! and I hugged him so long and so hard just like, thank you, I was extremely emotional then and I'm also getting extremely emotional now just typing about it, and he was like omg haha what for? Coming to your town? and I was like coming to my town and playing my SONG!!! And then he said something with the tone of a snarky teasy joke but that was like flusteringly truthful underneath about them legitimately rearranging the set quite a lot for me, and I have not stopped screaming internally since then, and Jeremy joked that I'd just seen the exact same set three times and they felt they ought to give me at least something new ha ha ha but like it wasn't entirely a joke, and I just don't even know how to process this. i am perishèd in the soil. anyhow.

I wanted both my setlist and my Supernormal EP vinyl signed by all the boys, and I managed this with relatively little doing ("A deep cut!" jeremy remarks of the supernormal, haha), but I didn't want to be crowding them and getting in the way of other people getting lad time, so I kind of took a backseat and just talked when the time was right, but Jon did kind of keep wanting to talk to me. We talked about the new song, and we talked about the donuts I sent over--oh my GOD, because I was like, they're from that place over there, you can see the big neon donut sign from here! haha, and he was like dyou know what, I knew that's where they were from, because I went over there earlier in the day and got one for myself, I got a huckleberry one and I came back with it and everyone was like, what's that, they were very jealous, and then not too long after that this box of loads of them just shows up-- And like I am a donut fairy psychic wizard. Also everyone who is ever in Pittsburgh should go to Oliver's donuts and eat their fabulously good products. I will shill for them literally any day of the week. This is the second band I have given Oliver's to this year. I cannot be stopped. ANYWAY. i honestly almost could have written that prediction on an envelope and sealed it, that they'd end up wandering in there on their own only for me to send them some too. i was so tickled that jon got the huckleberry one because it's their signature flavor and it's SO PINK and allegra and I had just decided the night before that jon higgs is hot pink coded. like, in the universe where they are dyeing their hair multicolors for the lore. anyhow. it's good shit.

i had SO much fun after this show, even though it was so chilly and dark and we were scrungling around on a literal street corner outside a wine and spirits store, I was like holding people's things so they could get pics and signatures, I was showing off my supernormal booty shorts, I was talking to Jon about lore----- ohhh, my god, I had exactly two bracelets left when the night was over, literally the end of my stash, and it was one Final Form FIRST BODY LAST BODY that I said, y'know, I'm going to save this for my bestie francis when I send them the shirt, because that's the lyric I wanna get a tattoo of, and it'll match with my PLIABLE HEAD bracelet, and it'll be another sort of besties matching thing; and my one lone AKON IN THE BUTTERFLY HOUSE bracelet that remained, where I'd kind of said, well, if this one doesn't find the right home tonight, then at the end of the night I'm going to give it to Jon too. So I dug in my bag and passed it off, and he was like "what does this one say.... kon... Akon... Akon in the house--what is--OH AND THERE'S A LITTLE BUTTERFLY ON THERE, God--" and he was GRINNING and he was SO TICKLED BY IT and Jez chimed in with just like "The attention to detail--" and Jon was like "this is my favorite one actually," he LOVED IT AND I WAS SO CHARMED AND EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT, and then he offered me up something like "you kno-ow, this, the song, of this, there's actually a reference to it in something, something you've never heard-- and--that you never will," doing his cryptic Jon troll grin, "the one thing that didn't make it," with the implied end of that sentence being "onto the album," and 'album' in this case being implied to be Raw Data Feel, which they have very publicly said that for once was an album where they just put everything on and didn't cull any songs or reserve any bonus tracks to release later or whatever. So I said, "Oh, from the one that we've been told had no cuts...?" also not explicitly saying RDF, and his answer to that was vague/nondescript enough but was probably an affirmative, but then he did follow that up with "that's lore that's SO far down the line, WAY WAY out there," and god, just, how deep does this man's brain and nonsense even fucking go. how far into the future is there LORE. BOTTOMLESS!!! I am obsessed with him. i cannot stress enough how blorbo he is to me.

The shorts came back up in conversation too ("Sorry, let me just look quite closely at your ass for a moment--" "It's okay, the shorts are designed that way--") and him saying, yeah, we do talk about some of the costumes still, and then segueing into asking if I had plans for this year and what I was doing, and I said, maybe, I'm not sure if I want to tell you, and he said, Is it to do with us, and I said, Neither confirm nor deny, and he said, Well if it's not, then, I want to know, with kind of a 'duh' tone ahahaha because like true there would be no reason to be coy if it was nothing to do with E E at all, and I explained that like I kind of have to have two costumes ("of course you do."), WELL because y'know the E E ones don't really play to or land with the general populace (a very cheeky "No!") so I have, just, one that's for going to parties, and one that's for fucking around on the internet. He seemed to find that acceptable hahaha.

Anyway what I REALLY wanted with wearing the Supernormal shorts was a group pic of all five of us normal frontways, and then a group pic of all five of us facing backward/ass to the camera a la the picture of them outside the White House, where you could see the goof of my shorts but also all of their butts, but this was an ABSOLUTE DISASTER TO DO when it was so dark that phone cameras were taking everything long-exposure, and also they'd all had just enough beer to not really be following on what the bit was. Absolute shit results on the backwards pic because I couldn't, y'know, see to coordinate it, because I had my back turned. (Me yelling, "Not just MY butt, EVERYONE'S butts, come on!!" into the streets of Lawrenceville.) Utter failure. Didn't care. I love these fucking guys. The vibe was finally kind of winding down, closing-time energy, the guys still had to get on the bus to Boston right away even with tomorrow being their day off, it was a Boston day off and not a Pittsburgh day off where I could offer them free ice cream sadly, so they all sort of bowed sweetly out. Jon gave me his like, I Am Part Of The Band clearance ID badge from the venue, kind of out of nowhere, he was like "sorry this is all I have to give you, it's the least I could do," and I was like WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY GIVEN ME SO M-- YOU COULD DO WAY LESS ??? but I guess now I have that, too. I tried to give him the King Of Oil sign from my fatberg costume, which I'd initially brought because I thought it would be a fun photo taking prop but the photo situation was the aforementioned disaster so that never really came to any fruition at all, so I was just going to gift it to them, and he said "My suitcase is already so full of so much random shit-- that you've given us--" and then right as he was leaving he just said "Thank you for being such a weirdo" with a voice full of all the kindness and affection in the world and I just yelled "ANY TIME!!" and then oh so tragically the night had to be over.

it's been nice, though, because I'm so used to driving the long drive home at the end of an adventure and having that signify the end, of getting to the end of the car ride and having nothing beyond that but the rest of my regular life; and this time, I drove all the way home, but when I got there, the adventure was still happening, right in my neighborhood, right down the street, and all I had to do was walk back home alone in the dark and climb into my own bed at the end of a long and beautiful night. i can already tell that this is going to be one of my most special memories basically forever, and now every time I drive or ride the bus to and from work each day I will be passing by the place where Everything Everything performed Leave The Engine Room for me, and that's so profoundly special that I don't even have words to describe it. I love this band, I love the people in it and I love the people its gravity pulls in to orbit around it, I'm just so goddamn happy. I don't even know what to say or how to end this.

[cy-cyborg]

So I sent you an ask before your tumblr got deleted and I’m assuming the ask got deleted too. Basically, when I was watching Nimona I thought Ballistar got his prosthetic too quickly after his amputation. But I don’t actually know how long it takes for an amputation to heal, or to build up the strength needed to use a prosthetic. Also I would have liked to see him learn to use his prosthetic instead of using it perfectly from the beginning. But I’m not an amputee. Are my impressions of this accurate?

Yeah, I'm really sorry about that (also that it took me a little while to answer this time too!), I'm pretty sure my answer was actually the next post in my queue 😅.

So I haven't seen Nimona (I really want to, but I don't currently have Netflix lol) so I can only answer generally, but the healing time is different depending on what you mean by healed. If you mean just the wound healing, that takes a few weeks, usually 2-4 weeks. If you mean able to wear a prosthetic, for leg amps, that's usually 6-8 weeks, but I think it might be shorter for arm amputees since they aren't weight bearing through their stumps. Im not 100% sure, though. To fully heal (the swelling in the stump goes down, general pain settles, etc) can take a year or more, but most people will be back to their normal lives long before that, though. As for building up strength to use the prosthetic, that's really variable. Some people take to their prosthetics REALLY quickly, others take a while. The type of amputation is a big factor, but lots of other little things go into it too. Ballistar is an above-elbow amputee right? As I understand it, those kinds of prosthetics are quite difficult to use, both due to the strength needed and due to them not being super intuitive.

In saying all this though, unless its a focal point of the story or its a very grounded/realistic setting, I'm personally pretty lenient with most sci-fi/fantasy in this regards. We definatly need more media - even fantasy and sci-fi that shows that side of being an amputee or at least puts in effort to acknowledge it, but I think stories that lean a bit more into the fantasy side of things have their place too, especially in stories like Nimona where the focus seems to be elsewhere. This isn't to say you shouldn't try to include the realistic rep where you can, but you have to find a balance between realism and the tone your story has. Some stories really would benefit from the more grounded/realistic depictions that show everything, others might only need a brief mention. It depends on the story, and it's really hard to say where Nimona lies on that spectrum without having actually seen it, but from the little I have seen, I feel like it falls on the "brief mention" side of things since it already has so much going on.

I'm going to use How to Train Your Dragon as an example of what I'm trying to say, just becuase I know the first movie got a lot of critisism from amputees for having hiccup literally get up and start walking the moment he woke up after loosing his leg, but I think it lands in a similar area of the spectrum I'm talking about. HTTYD is one of those movies where having the more realistic approach wouldn't have really fit with the tone or pacing, but it would have benifited from a little more than what we got. Not much though, since we kind of already got it with toothless anyway. In my opinion, all it needed was a slight tweak to that ending scene and it would have been perfect (in my opinion). Personally, I would have made Hiccup (without a prosthetic) sit on toothless's back when they went out the door for the first time. The scene plays out almost exactly the same, and you get the symbolic framing the directors wanted, while acknowledging that walking so soon after a burn amputation is not going to happen. Gobber gives Hiccup the tail, saddle and his new leg in the bundle, which allows them to keep the "That bit's my handiwork, with a little hiccup flair thrown in. Think it'll do?" line. Hiccup can instead hold the leg in his hand and say "I might make a few adjustments" - everyone laughs and then it cuts to the end scene with them all flying with the implication some time has passed the same as in the real film. It's a small tweak, but I do think that's all it really needed.

So yeah, While its great to have more realistic representation in your stories, you got to work within the tone your story has. There's no "one size fits all" way to approach it. Again though, I could be wrong about where Nimona would fall here, I know it does tackle heavy subjects in regards to trans representation and discrimination, so maybe it could have made it work. I'll probably talk more about it once I actually see the movie though!

[leighsartworks216]

Papers (Songfic)

Damien/Dark x DA!reader

Requested by Anon:

“I don’t know if requests are open or not, but this is the anon that requested the songfic from Hadestown! After you posted the fic, I wanted to wait a bit before asking for a possible continuation of it based on the song Papers (“You’re not from around here, son…”) from the same musical where Dark finds out the D/A with Mark and he finds out about their deal. Would you want to write something like that?”

I'm so so so sorry this took so long but I love that you keep requesting Hadestown songs bc I love the music. I just have to actually get around to listening to the entire soundtrack at some point lol

Also, this one is laid out a little bit differently than my usual songfics. Basically instead of having the lyrics break up certain paragraphs and stuff, I interlaced them with the dialogue (and some of the "narration" 👀)

Warnings: Actor is an asshole but like we been knew, angst, hurt/no comfort, mentions of some events from WKM

Word Count: 1337 (oh my god I wish this was a lie how tf did I manage that)

Masterlist

Tag List Form

Stage crew dashed to and fro, positioning props to perfection and preparing the set for filming. It was a hive of activity. One person frantically ran around trying to give the right coffee to the right performers. Another brushed makeup on Mark’s cheeks and forehead. You even spied two sneaking off together. Even after so long, it still all made your head spin.

How long had it been since you were set free? Since you made that deal? Everything all felt like a blur.

Mark had indeed taken you to dinner, but it wasn’t exactly what you expected. By the end of your ‘performance’, you were agreeing to a fake proposal and being dragged deeper into the acting world. He promised to show you the ropes; take you under his wing. Perhaps that’s why he came up with another production: A heist.

You felt out of place navigating your ‘lines’ and actions around actors built to play their roles. These people were professionals, passionate about their jobs and what they’ve been hired to do. You were being suffocated in a situation you couldn’t get out of.

“You remember your lines?” You opened your mouth, but Mark cut you off with an arrogant laugh. You didn’t have any lines. Not spoken ones, anyway. “That’s the spirit! Just follow me and make sure you don’t mess this up. We’re behind schedule on filming enough without you-”

“Quiet on set!”

Mark grumbled as he was cut off by the director. The small bit of satisfaction you felt was quickly washed away with one of his signature grins. He straightened his hair back and prepared himself to act. He really did live for this.

“Alright, aaaaand ACTION!”

Mark pumped his fists excitedly. “Yes! Okay! Awesome! All right, okay. This is gonna be great! And don’t you worry about a thing because our watches are still synchronized, which means that…”

Your mind zoned out as you listened to him go on and on. He loved giving himself long paragraphs to recite. Maybe it was just to show off how brilliant he was. You followed your queue, turning away so Mark could be dragged away and eaten or killed or whatever. You turned back and, yup, there was his flashlight. You looked down the hall he was supposed to go down and-

Wait. This wasn’t in the script.

“Uhm, Mark?”

Your voice echoed in the darkness. There was no more set. There was no more crew. This darkness looked too familiar; too similar to the mirror you were stuck in. But there was no going back.

Lining the walls of the hallway were portraits. It only took a moment to remember who each face belonged to. The chef. The butler. The detective… William. A deep chill ran down your spine, joining the heavy emotions resting at the bottom of your stomach.

All of them were there. You remember the butler, crying over that mess in the cellar. The chef, who threatened you every time you so much as glanced in his direction. Abe, your partner in solving the murder. And William. Your murderer. A pink moustache was crudely painted over his portrait, and nothing in your memories could answer why. But you remembered falling over the banister. The way he reached out to grab you. And then waking up… And…

The final portrait at the end of the hall was of Mark, back when everyone was alive. Back when the only worries you had involved poker and drinking. The paint flaked away and fell to the floor, disintegrating into ash.

“It’s… good to see you, old friend.”

That voice…

You turned to its source. A man in a white suit, rimmed with red and blue. His skin was grey. All of him was grey. Yet even through the strange aura surrounding him, you knew. You knew exactly who this was.

“Damien?”

A blue afterimage of himself glitched to the side at the sound of his name. It was gone as soon as it appeared. His lips formed a tight grin. “I don’t go by that name any more.” The strain in his voice, in his entire body, softened as he fully took you in. “It’s been so long, my dear district attorney. I was so worried about you.”

“I don’t go by that name anymore,” you repeated back to him. Your emotions were laid out on your sleeve. Your face contorted with confusion and sadness and longing and betrayal. You were angry, but you wanted to run into his arms. You were so sad, you missed him so much, but you wanted to stand your ground. You took in a shaky breath. “Why didn’t you come back for me?”

“I did,” he stated. “I did come back for you.”

You shook your head. “No, you didn’t. You left me in the mirror. You stole my body. You left me there for years, Damien.” He flinched at the name, but said nothing. “You have no idea the hell I went through, waiting for you to come back for me.”

“Then let me make it up to you,” he began. He stepped forward, hand outstretched carefully, as if he carried an olive branch. “Let me free you now from Mark’s silly games. You can stop running around in endless circles, making choices that mean nothing. You can be free from the hell he’s putting you through - be truly free, once and for all.”

You frowned at the poor, naive entity before you. “You have no idea, do you?”

A frown took over his own hopeful expression. “What-”

“There you are!” A voice, energetic and irritated, split the darkness. You didn’t need to turn to feel the man’s presence behind you, glaring daggers over your shoulder at not-Damien who did so right back. “What are you doing here?”

Dark’s entire form tensed up. His hands found their place behind his back. Glitches and afterimages shot out from his body. “I’m here to free them,” he growled.

Mark’s laugh, as cocky as ever but laced with menace, sounded next to your ear. You nearly cringed away from it. “Who do you think you are?” Even his voice was interwoven with incredulity. “They couldn’t go anywhere even if they wanted to.”

You turned and placed a firm hand on Mark’s chest. “Stop.” It was weak, pleading. If anything, he was spurred on more by your weakness.

“Stay out of this, dear attorney” he mocked, “the adults are talking.”

The entity snarled, egged on by Mark’s dismissal. “I’m not going back alone,” he threatened. “I came to take them home, and I fully intend to.”

Another raucous laugh. “Oh, you don’t know?” Cold eyes full of amusement looked down at you, as they always have and always would. You avoided his gaze. Another pair of eyes stared at your back, waiting for answers you wished to avoid giving. “When you abandoned them, I gave them a deal to get them out. You weren’t coming back around any time soon to free them, were you?”

Dark grit his teeth.

“They signed the deal themself,” he sing-songed.

“You’re lying.”

“And now,” he spun you back around to face your old friend, arm wrapped around your shoulder to keep you close, “they belong to me.”

“It isn’t true.” Dark eyes met yours, pleading for a different answer, for a different truth. He came back to rescue you; free you from the world Mark trapped you in. But, after all this time, it was still his fault you were here. “What he said-”

“I did,” you cut him off. Your voice was thick. Your eyes burned. You swallowed the lump in your throat. “I do.”

Mark’s sickening grin appeared right over your shoulder, his face pressed right next to yours. You visibly flinched, and oh how Dark longed to rip you away from that son of a bitch. But his feet were glued to the spot. His shoes were filled with lead.

“Now,” the actor began, “go back to where you came from.”

---

Tag List:

@writeawaythepain

@hyperfixat

[ohkate]

Weekly Tag Wednesday

Thank you for the tag, @energievie, @juliakayyyyy, @jrooc, and @such-a-barbarian for the tag love.

-----

name: I grew up in a time where you weren't supposed to give out your real name online, so Kate Jones became my alias based on the show 'Alias' and I've used it since.

zodiac sign: Libra

fuzzy socks or fuzzy blankets? blanket because I don't like socks. I don't like being too hot. I walk around barefoot almost all the time.

do you enjoy winter? I would enjoy it more if I didn't have to fear dying because I have to go to work. For my job, I don't understand why we can't stay home on snow days. I have a job where I can work entirely from home but, no, can't have that.

what’s your comfort book or movie? John Wick is a big one. I also love any mystery/suspense movies.

what’s your favorite way to wind down after a long day? I love marathoning tv shows. I like having a new episode waiting for me when I get home. I also love hellishly hot showers.

tell me something you like about yourself: I have no 'embarassing' gene, lol. I'm on the autism spectrum, and I'm super direct. It's not always a good thing, but I think it is for me because I don't let things fester. But there's no topic too taboo and there's nothing I won't talk about in public or with strangers.

I've learned to pick up on some queues from people so I try not to be rude, but I have no problem with people oversharing with me and vice-versa. Someone, somewhere decided we shouldn't talk about things out of some sense of decorum that some uptight dude in a suit probably came up with to control his wife, so I like that I'm not ashamed of things.

There's never an elephant in any room I'm in because I want to pet it, so I point it out right away! favorite artist? Flavio Zaark is my favorite sculpture artist. I couldn't choose a musician. I like movie scores. Hans Zimmer, Carter Burwell, Thomas Newman, Max Richter, M83, Zach Hemsey… I could go on for days. how do you practice self-care? A few years ago, I stopped arguing with stupid people. I just don't want to spend the energy on it. The earth is flat? Sure, fine. No problem. Good luck to ya. what’s a song that makes you feel joyful? The Nothing Song by Sigur Ros.

a book you want to read this year: I'm sticking with fanfic. I've read such a plethora of dramatic Ian/Mickey fics this year that I think I'd like to have some well-written, fun or funny fics that just make you smile at the end.

what advice would you give your younger self? Put every penny toward buying a house because, even though you may not ever want one, you will prefer it over what you are dealing with. You'll be stuck paying 2500 bucks a month for an apartment where you are living with crackheads and rapists and you get almost no sleep because of neverending music.

and finally, you’re given a plane ticket to anywhere in the world, no strings attached. where are you going? A food tour of all the Top Chef contestant/judge restaurants with someone who just wants to eat their way around the world and gain twenty pounds.

tagging @callivich, @tsuga-of-mars, @gillyp, @gallawitchxx

[raytorosaurus]

Hello! I’m going to one of the MCR shows in Brisbane and i was wondering if you could give me some info on the venue/etiquette over there (I’m from Puerto Rico). Do you know if they’ll do the wristband system for GA or if you’ll have to queue all day? Are pits particularly rowdy or anything like that? I’m so excited to go to Australia for the first time! Any tips on what to do/eat would also be welcomed 😅 thanks!

heyy!! sorry this took a while for me to get to, i wanted to give you a decent answer. first of all, that's really exciting that you're coming from pr!!!! hope you enjoy your trip <333

okay so you didn't specifically ask this but just as a general heads up because i worry about it - one thing for i know for sure is that overnight camping at this venue is strictly prohibited. it's also not actually possible at all, because the venue is in a large gated-off area that's locked at night and borders/is surrounded by swampy wilderness lol. so as a heads up to anyone attending the brisbane show, please please do not camp overnight it's not only illegal but very unsafe. you'll also literally be eaten alive by bugs lol it's a huge mosquito breeding ground. i promise you'll regret it lmaooo.

okay the rest of the answer is under a cut bc it got rambly lol sorry. but if anyone else is travelling to brisvegas 🤘🤘 for the show/s, here's a little crash course for you if you want lol

so to answer your original question, i highly doubt there'll be any kind of wristband system organised by the venue tbh, i've just never heard about a precedent for that here (though i haven't been to this particular venue since before covid so i guess i could be wrong). their website says you can queue "outside the turnstiles" on the day, so i think it'll just be down to who shows up tbh! also as a reminder, the venue is kind of out of the way and there isn't much in the way of food/water nearby to purchase so if you do do that, come prepared! and bring plenty of sunscreen and probably insect repellent. remember it will almost definitely still be quite hot in march down here. i'm not really expecting a very serious queue myself - i'm thinking there'll be maybe a dozen or two dedicated people who show up in the morning at most, and the rest won't show up until maybe a few hours in advance. i could be wrong though!! i'm personally not planning on getting up really early, i'd rather be rested for the show. maybe late morning? who knows i might change my mind

it's also not exactly the easiest venue to get to by public transport lol, your best bet is the nearby train station (boondall station). but on the plus side it's close to the airport!

as for pit rowdiness, it's really hard to say, i reckon it just varies from show to show. i'm honestly really curious myself as to what the crowds will be like because from what i can tell mcr aren't really as popular over here in general as they are in america/the uk (not so sure about europe). i already know a couple of people who are going who don't actually know much of their music they were just like oh huh mcr, i remember them LOL. for reference there are two shows in each city, one that was announced in 2019 and one that was added the second or third time they rescheduled, and in every city that second show still hasn't sold out. so i don't thiiiink the pit will be very rowdy at these particular shows, no. but same as always - if you're worried, just avoid standing front and centre!

as for what to do/eat - now this really depends on where you're staying and how long you're staying for! the best place for that kind of stuff is obvs around the centre of brisbane, whereas the mcr venue, like i said, is pretty close to the airport. if you want to really see brisbane and eat out in nicer restaurants/bars, southbank (most tourist-friendly place, accessible and genuinely nice to wander around along the river), the fortitude valley (which is also the nightlife district and chinatown), and west end (pretty heavily gentrified 'hip' youth area - lots of vegan food and brunch places, farmer's markets and the like) are probably your best bets, though not the cheapest. brisbane does actually have a good foodie culture so there's plenty around - it's hard to go wrong with asian food here thanks to australia's pretty high asian population! if your budget is smaller than that - dude trust me. go to any brumby's bakery or to any pie face and get a proper meat pie. and a lamington while you're at it.

if your stay is short and you just want to find cheaper accommodation close to the airport, honestly the aforementioned swampy wilderness that the entertainment centre is in is part of a national park (boondall wetlands environment centre) that's quite nice to walk around if you're into that kind of thing! it's a mangrove system which is a really fascinating ecosystem if you haven't seen them (though i think pr has plenty lol), lots of native birds and shit. the nearby suburbs of sandgate and shorncliffe are a great place for some classic fish and chips and to walk along/sit by the water (though don't get excited, they're not a 'real' aussie beach, it's a sheltered bay so the water is flat and the sand is brown).

depending how long you're staying and whether you'll have a car, there are lots of very beautiful "real" beaches surrounding brisbane an hour or two in either direction - the gold coast to the south is for the touristy ones (good if you like shopping/nightlife, more accessible by public transport), and the sunshine coast to the north is quieter and prettier. there's also lots of nice hiking trails around if you're into that but you would need a car.

anyway. sorry this is long, i hope i answered your question!! you're welcome to dm me if you want specific clarification on anything :)))

[six-costume-refs]

I want to be safe in assuming that because Ayla is B/C/P and given the cover orders are currently all equal (for first covers) that Holli’ would be A/S/H and my question to you (from a longtime lurker who finally made an account) how safe you think that judgement is (I have to imagine it’s very much not safe to the point where it’s “DID YOU READ THE SIX INSTRUCTION MANUAL ITS CHAOS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE???”)? Like I was the person sitting here trying to work backwards with knowing that while 2nd/3rd covers aren’t necessarily existent in this production, but Ayla’s cover order lends perfectly to her being a 2nd cover A/H and a 3rd cover S and Holli inevitably being a 1st A/S/H 2nd B/C and 3rd P and all the 1/2/3 covers have an even coverage! Doubt it’ll happen because this show things 10 steps ahead, but when I was playing with it in excel it made me smile to know it could work out haha

NOTE: While this was in queue we got an update that Holli’ Conway is covering A/H/P. I’m keeping my original answer intact because I think it might be a useful explanation for why she’s covering those roles  and for general future reference about how the Broadway/US Tour cover system works.

----

Ha, well yes, assumptions are always hard to verify given Six! But I do think we can definitely make some educated guesses! 

So if they were just joining as a 5th and 6th alt long term, then yes it would make sense for one of them to cover each role (so B/C/P and A/S/H like you said). But with how contracts and Six management typically work, that’s unlikely. The Broadway contracts are up very soon, some of the alts will want to move on (just like the principals) and frankly Broadway doesn’t really need 6 alts long term. Chances are this is just a temporary transition period of a few weeks to a few months. That gives Ayla and Holli’ time to learn all of their tracks before they have to cover them and to give the production a little bit of extra coverage through this cast change and vacation season! That’s fairly standard practice in theatre, and the West End production has done something similar with Collette Guitart as well.

So assuming they’re only temporarily 5th/6th and will actually be part of the usual 4 alt system in the near future....they’ll also most likely follow the Broadway system. I go into a lot more detail about what that Broadway system is and why it’s important here, but basically it’s just that they have four alts and each alt only shares one cover with each of the other alts. So, Mallory Maedke shares A with Nicole Kyoung-Mi Lambert, S with Keirsten Hodgens, and H with Courtney Mack. The Aragon Tour did break from that so Broadway could as well, but from everything we know they do really seem to prioritize it as it helps limit emergency covers. So if that’s the case, Holli’ has to cover at least one of Ayla’s covers (B/C/P)

We also know that someone was learning Howard when Kelly Denice Taylor was learning Seymour the other day. We know each of the principals + Ayla weren’t learning Howard, so it has to be Holli. 

And yeah, I wouldn’t rely on any 2nd/3rd covers because at best it seems like there are informal contingency plans. I definitely don’t think they’d plan around it at the moment.

So if they’re following the Broadway system: - Ayla is B/C/P - Holli’ is H - Holli’ has to cover one track out of B, C, and P - Holli’s third track has to be A or S I realize that’s still a fair bit of question marks! But we can’t really figure out more until Holli’ confirms her covers, there are official announcements of which Broadway alts could be leaving, and/or if any of the current Broadway alts are changing covers. I think we could get an announcement of the first and last in the next few days, but I’m not expecting anything on the second for at least a few weeks.

I realize this is maybe just a very long way of saying that yes, Six is usually several steps ahead and who knows how to predict lol!! But hopefully it answers your question about what is or isn’t safe to assume!!

[purplesurveys]

1634

What colour is the photo frame closest to you? Purple. It’s this one:

Are your pets asleep right now, if you have any? They probably are napping downstairs, yes.

Would you have any idea what your parents are doing right now? My mom is either watching a documentary or scrolling through her Facebook in the other room. I would guess my dad is asleep but will be waking up in a bit to prepare for work.

How many windows (roughly) does your house have? Idk man. Somewhere around 20. Each room has 3-4 windows.

Do you have a good relationship with your cousins? I can’t possibly be close with all of my cousins because Filipino families are monstrously (is this even a word?) large – but I do have good relationships with at least my first cousins, and to some extent my second cousins. There are first cousins I like a little less due to differing political opinions, but for the most part I’m able to keep it civil and just try to be the Responsible and Kind Big Sister/Cousin for everyone lol.

What was the last kids movie you saw? Toy Story but I wasn’t able to finish it; I largely turned it on for background noise at the time.

Do you know anyone who was born in Africa? Nope. 

Have you ever been to an internet cafe? Yeah, of course. As a kid I used to sneak into internet cafés to check on my Friendster account that I had to keep secret LOL (my parents were very strict about the “You need to be 16 and above to create an account” rule of Friendster), then these days I still go to a café if I need to get something printed.

Are there any upcoming events for you to look forward to? Jimin’s album this month, my birthday next month, then we’re going to Thailand in June! We’re going to shoot for Yoongi tickets at the Bangkok shows, but we booked the flight in advance just so we can also get a vacation out of it, whether we manage to secure concert tickets or not.

Has the year gone quickly for you so far? I feel like it has gone by a normal amount. January took forever to end, but February went by like a breeze. It’s too early to tell.

How many siblings does your significant other have? I don’t have one.

Are you one of those people who can drink vodka straight? Tried a shot of pure Absolut once, honestly wouldn’t do it again. If I had to have a shot, tequila is a lot more manageable for me.

Have you ever done three or more shots in a row? Man. Three shots in a row just sounds like you’re asking for death. Hahaha no. I like to space out my shots, but this is also considering the fact that my tolerance is shit.

Do you share a middle name with any of your friends? Not exactly the same spelling, but I have a handful of friends with different variations of the name. It’s a fairly popular middle name.

What was the last movie you saw in theatres? BTS in Busan, if that counts as a movie? Anyway they had a theatrical screening for it and I watched it twice, so. Are you interested in international politics? Maybe just facets of it, but I don’t keep up as much as I do with Philippine politics. Like I used to give a big fuck about Donald Trump’s presidency just because I felt like racism was inherently linked to his administration (and as an Asian, that...just doesn’t bode well for me and my family lol). Things like that.

How many pairs of jeans do you own? I have around 15 bottoms but out of those around 3 are jeans.

When was the last time you showered? Last night.

Do you know the name of the pharmacist at your local drug store? No. What was the first cellphone you had and how old were you when you got it? I got a Nokia 3310 for my 7th birthday.

Do you use public transport in your town or city? Nope. The public transport here is shit, so I learned how to drive so I can avoid the long queues and inconvenient commute. It’s definitely privilege at work and I’m well aware of it, and am just grateful I’m in a position where my parents can pay for my driving lessons and provide me a car. I would love for commuting to be an option for me someday, but something has to be done about improving the system first. Until then, I’ll do what’s personally convenient.

Have your parents ever worked in a factory? No, neither of them have.

Do you have several best friends? I have two.

How many lights are in the room you’re in? One, just the lamp at my work desk. Is there a Hard Rock Cafe in your town or city? Not around here, no.

Do you eat fast food more than once a week? Yes, my mom usually brings home some fast food for us when she drives home from work.

What flavour is your toothpaste? It’s just a generic minty taste.

Have you ever shared a shower or bath with someone as an adult? Yeah.

When was the last time you had a bubble bath? Last Octoberish.

Are you sleepy right now? Nah. I took a long nap this afternoon so I’m pretty awake right now haha.

How big is your backyard? It’s a moderate size. It’s enough to fit a couple of cars and my dad to play basketball when he has the time, so it’s very comfortable.

Do you know anyone with Tourette’s Syndrome? No, not personally.

What time does your alarm wake you up in the morning? I never set an alarm as I’m able to wake up on my own in time for work. Alarm ringtones stress me out for the most part, too.

What was the last zoo you visited? I try to avoid zoos as much as I can, but back in like 2018 we did go to this ecopark in Bohol where there were tarsiers and a few other animals I believe.

Do you like crime films and tv shows? Not if it’s about fictional crime. I prefer documentaries that break down the facts of an actual crime. Take Buzzfeed’s Unsolved and its technical 'spin-off,’ Ghost Files – Ryan and Shane are a fantastic duo at narrating crimes.

When you shop, do you take a basket or a cart (trolley)? Usually a cart.

Have you ever tasted milk straight from the cow? No, but I’d love to try it once!

What’s your favourite sleeping position? On my side.

What colour is the bra you’re wearing? Not wearing one at the moment. Have you ever seen A Clockwork Orange? Yes, it’s one of my favorites. There’s one scene I do prefer to skip every time it comes on but for the most part, that movie is a fascinating level of fucked up that I can’t help but enjoy.

Are you bitter about anything? Reena is being a big, inconvenient pain in the ass about our Thailand trip, and always seems to be on the verge of jeopardizing the plans we’ve made. This morning she spoke up in the group chat saying how she feels like she has had little input so far on the flight and Airbnb we’ve booked, and it’s taken every ounce of self-control in me not to tell her that the probable reasons she feels that way are 1) she hasn’t even asked permission from her parents yet, and 2) she doesn’t even have a fucking passport.

Do you like to make games out of chores to make them more enjoyable? Not really? I feel like that’s the kind of stuff you do for a kid to make chores more enjoyable for them, lol. Anyway, I do pick out a playlist or a video to play in the background just so that the work doesn’t feel so monotonous.

How many letters are in your best friend’s surname? Both of them have 7, come to think of it.

Is there anything in your possession that probably shouldn’t be? I recently found a top buried deep in my closet that actually came from my ex, so I panicked for like 5 seconds when I found it LOL but immediately threw it out also, so we’re good.

What is your favourite flavour of yoghurt? Never liked yogurt.

What was the first online account you remember having? Apart from a Yahoo email account, Friendster.

Do you listen to music to fall asleep? Nah. I either pick a video to watch or scroll through Reddit until my eyelids start getting super droopy.

Where did you go last time you left your town or city? I went to Makati last Wednesday to meet a client and to go to an event we had to help manage.

Do you use emojis? Yeah, I tend to use them often when talking to friends or posting a status on social media.

Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer? I considered it very briefly in college because I thought it’d be cool to follow in my great-grandfather’s footsteps, but all the horror stories about law school profs routinely terrorizing and humiliating students turned me off from it. My heart was never in law anyway so I had no problem detaching.

What percentage of battery does your phone currently have? 100%.

What was the last type of soda you drank? Probably a Sprite? Idk I hate soda for the most part but take rare exceptions for Sprite since it tastes on the milder side for me.

How far away from your house is your favourite place to shop for clothes? It’s around a 20-minute drive away.

Do you have supplies handy right now to draw something if I told you to? Not in my room but I can easily ask my sister for some pens and markers and such, so yeah sure!

Have you ever been married? Nopes.

What does your deodorant smell like? It’s a faint papaya scent.

Is your bedroom more messy or clean at the moment? It’s neat.

Do you use Twitter? Yeah, it’s my main way to get updated on all things BTS. I had a stan account like two years ago but hated how cliquish everyone was being, so I went back to my personal and just stay updated from there without the pressure of having to be active per se in the fandom. Are you any good at baking cakes and cookies from scratch? Not at all. I’ve tried baking cookies in the past but they always turned out bland at best, and my heart wasn’t in it enough to want to improve.

Is there a floor lamp in your bedroom? Not a floor lamp but I do have a desk lamp on my work table that I like to keep on 24/7 even if it’s already naturally bright. I feel uneasy when it’s off, so. What does most of your weekly or fortnightly income go towards? Food, tbh.

Have you ever been to another continent? No, just around Asia so far.

Do you have any hidden piercings? (this includes bellybuttons) Nope.

What month is your birthday? April.

What can you hear right now? A vlog of Cong’s.

[ist-das-kunst-oder-kann-das-weg]

On Saturday evening, I went to the theater for the last time here (okay, there is still Rebecca, but that’s DomplatzOpenAir). As mentioned, I saw Le Corsaire with music mainly by Adolphe Adam danced by Ballett Magdeburg and choreographed by Gonzalo Galguera. Since Grettel Morejón was not fit again, Medora was danced by Lou Beyne, principal dancer with Les Ballets de Monte Carlo. She was also very nice, but I liked Morejón’s Medora a bit more.

As it was the last ballet of the season and Galguera’s last ballet in Magdeburg, I expected people to be a more enthusiastic than usual. And they were. When I arrived there, there was quite the queue at the evening box office. (I expected it to be sold out, but I could see like three free seats.)  Also I saw people with roses.

I again liked the opening scene with its huge pirate ship and fog waves and so on much, but last time it was a bit more impressive, as I then sat in a perfect seat in the parquet (from which the perspectives of the scene paintings were also perfect). But then, I could lean forward and see how the orchestra was swallowed by those fog cascades (and I could admire the background paintings from a more technical/mathematical point of view).

My favourite part was, again, the part in the 2nd act, where everyone shows off (jumps! jumps!). Everything just fits, there’s fire in the music and in the dancers and in the end, the audience just had to clap along (even though last time, the audience was way earlier more on fire.) I just love that you can clap in ballet everytime you like something you’ve seen very much, unlike in concerts where you shouldn’t even clap in between the movements. I come there to get swept away by awesomeness, so please let me show my enthusiasm, thank you very much. The families I sat between were really reserved, which in the beginning really killed my vibe, lol. 

The flower garden scene, which seems to be most people’s favourite, was also very beautiful, especially as this time there wasn’t this awkward hole in the middle of the stage everyone danced around, but rather Medora.

Even though we had the full third act now, the ending seemed to come rather suddenly for me. But I could see the fancy giant pirate ship again!

While we clapped for everyone, there were the roses people brought falling down. (Apparently you hand them in somewhere? I am not sure. Someone didn’t do it, and none of their three roses managed to cross the orchestra pit.) Also there was confetti, as you can see on the picture. Confetti, I love confetti! We were standing ovations for exactly a quarter of an hour. While in every production I went to lately there were people (including me, most of the times) standing up, it has never been that long. I love the audiences enthusiasm here! (In this case, it’s nice not to know  much about ballet technique, because otherwise you’d probably start to see where something lacks and so on and I don’t come to see perfection.) Some people went a bit overboard, there was a group of middle aged women who had an embarrasing chain of lights arranged in a heart form they were frantically waving with during the applause. Afterwards, there were even a bunch of people waiting at the stage door, also something I had never seen here before. 

I could still go on about the things I liked about this ballet. but I have to study now as next Monday is approaching so fucking fast, aaaaah. (I am fortunate already, as officially my presentation was due yesterday, but as two people (or one third of the group) told us they’d be absent, we agreed to pause this week.)

I thought this would be the last ballet for quite some time, but life’s full of surprises! In the beginning of July, I will see Annonciation | La Stravaganza by  Angelin Preljocaj in Halle as recommended by @fayet with my best friends, @deneb-al-giedi and C! Tickets are already booked and only need to picked up (and paid, haha) now. Really looking forward to that!

[hurdlehoops]

SPN did Market Research for Dean & Cas

Disclaimer: Yes this is a sock for safety reasons. Post is long, but please read it.

No shit there I was checking my email, as you do, and I saw I had a screener from one of the market research groups I’m signed up with.  On average, I do a market research thing every 3-4 months because I like non-reportable money. And giving my opinions. And talking to people behind 2 way mirrors without having to go to a police station.   

Market research itself was early December, 2016. First email contact with the screener was late October or early November. 

I see it’s an “offsite,” meaning a market research company is subcontracted by another company who wants to do the market research at their own facility, but doesn't want to find the participants on their own, so they use the Market research company (in this case Schlesinger and Associates) as an intermediary. I can’t remember if this screener identified itself as being for TV, not all do, some might identify only as entertainment, and some might be even more vague until you get into the screener. Regardless of the identification for the screener (TV or entertainment), I fill out almost every screener I receive unless it’s obvious, from the subject, they won’t want me (ie looking for certain types of professionals)- it didn’t matter, then, if the subject matter was something I particularly like, I would’ve filled it out anyway.  

After normal, but more detailed than usual demographics questions, the screener asked about TV habits. Eventually,  it said the word “fandom” and asked what TV fandoms I’d count myself in.  It was roughly a list of 20 shows and listed “fandom” (defined as I watch every episode and read additional materials about the show. Note this is not what fandom itself would consider fandom, but people most fandom dwellers would still count as GA).  Beyond fandom, one could indicate they: watch all episodes but don’t seek out more,  watch most episodes, have seen some episodes, watched a few, or haven’t watched.  (I just got a screener for soap operas and realized that part was the same and made note). Therefore, fandom, to corporate, are people who watch everything and maybe buy some swag for the show- magazines/shirts. Then, they asked about conventions I might have attended.  And then asked about my dream vacation, so I babbled a lot about my dream to go to SDCC (I hadn’t at this point). Supernatural was on the list of shows, so I made sure I answered the essay questions about it, because why not? It was my favorite of what was listed.  It was a long screener. I don’t remember the rest. Though sometimes I might remember a detail if a screener reminds me of it. Most fun screener I’ve filled out.

A few days/weeks later, I got a call for step 2- the phone screener for the people that sounded good when filling out the form. And where they try and make sure your answers match or fit that same person who answered them. I passed step 2, and was told there would be homework, and asked ifI’d have time for it, since I would only have so many days to watch the assigned material and write essays about them. 

Homework arrives: I have to watch and write essays on all the bonus features of Supernatural S10. There might’ve been something in there from another year, too. And all the bonus features from some season of  Big Bang Theory.  Essays for all of it, too.  And I mean essays, not short answers.  It was like the SATs, and I was analyzing blooper reels (among other things).  I still don’t get why they wanted essay questions on blooper reels, but I’ll always happily write one again cause that was the funniest essay to have to write! 

I had to both print and bring and email all my answers ahead of time.  I did not keep them.  I’m honestly curious what I might’ve written.  

So in December, I get to go to WB’s market research department. Fun fact: the entrance to that building faces what had recently been the Supernatural poster. I check in. At this point I think it’s a group. Because most market research is done in groups. Also they said I was there for the “DVD bonus features study” 

I wait in the lobby, but I’m surprised there seem to be very few others around. I don’t think I got there too early, but all the others were taken back before me. And they didn’t seem to be there for the same study.  Oh and I wore business casual clothes but had some show-based earrings for fun.  

Finally a nice lady brings me back to a room. She turns off the lights and gives me a fancy remote and has me play with a new system for watching bonus features. I had to start with BBT. Then we did something else. Then I was allowed to scroll through and I picked Supernatural, and answered all the things.  By this point I figured I would be released soonish   because I was supposed to be there only for an hour. And this was at least half an hour at the most. No clock, though and cell phone off.  Maybe this part went faster than I remember, but it was less interesting so it felt longer? Or less interesting compared to what came next. 

We switch gears. I’m no longer allowed to pick what we watch and talk about my thoughts on if SDCC panels belong in bonus features.  (Me: should have a preorder and you get to watch it when the season airs with DVD to arrive when season ends. Silly to watch it after the season when it’s mostly vague spoilers for the first episode or so). Obviously WB doesn’t listen to me about everything.

Oh! In the screener as part of normal demographics, I was asked about my sexuality. It isn’t completely rare (I can talk about another market research where you had to be queer to be part of it), but there were some short answers about representation or something similar. Something that is significant *now,* but at the time I didn’t notice as being too weird.  Since they probably had me listed to the people behind the mirror as X (if they even got my name) Y resident, bisexual, age.  I very specifically said stuff to her about representation cause I wasn’t gonna miss my shot.

Anyway so we switch from dvd extras and she queues up video from another file.

She puts a scene of Supernatural on and has me watch. Then repeats it. And asks questions about my opinions on what’s happening.  Then has me watch and only pay attention to Character D and tell her what I think his emotions are.  Then again but with Character C.  

Complete torture… lol… at this point I’m confused, but enjoying this torture.

So there I am watching the Crypt scene over and over and analyzing it.  And talking about their feelings.  

And then I stop her and say something to the effect of “look I’m bi. There’s not a lot of good representation on what being bi is like.  But from episode 1 I’ve known Dean is Bi.”    And I babbled about how important a macho badass but closeted character is for representation. And that I hoped they did more with that.  I included some anecdotes from other lgbtq friends and straight allies and how they all felt as I did- Dean is Bi, Cas is whatever he wants to identify as, and we felt we recognized our experiences on the screen and hoped for continued and louder representation. 

Bam. My interviewer was called out of the room by the people behind the mirror. Suddenly I’m getting a whole new set of questions

Like this is the most baffling and amazing thing that's happened to me in years. It imprinted in my mind, and I haven’t mentioned it to too many people, because of the NDA and being afraid to jinx things. But now I don’t feel like it matters to be as quiet. Obviously I don’t want WB to go after me but... market research isn’t unusual, just mostly used for spin-offs or new shows not for plot points of shows already happening. At least, that’s my understanding. 

The interviewer  comes back after a short discussion with whoever was behind the glass. Asks a few more questions

We’re now very much going into various things about what I’d just said. I took my shot. And apparently it paid off big time.  At some point she’s pulled out of the room again and given a paper with more questions. Some were about Dean’s bisexuality, or how I, and anecdotally my friends, saw him as bisexual.  Others were about the potential romance. None, that I remember, were about Castiel’s sexuality- I guess that was a given or not important. 

I don’t know if any of the writers were behind the glass from the beginning, but I felt like they stalled to get someone there, maybe.

The interviewer was baffled and made sure I knew nothing that was happening was normal.  They wanted to ask me more questions than they usually care to get out of their market research volunteers. 

So those are the most important parts. Basically almost everything I was asked after that was about character analysis and queerness and a whole bunch of other things that were related (I also mentioned needing more disability rep, too).  I was back there for at least 2 hours.

[ggukkiereads]

hi hii I was wondering if you had any taekook x reader fics ? 🙈 , also wondering if I could I go as 🗯 anon if that's okay? I love ur recs so much and ur page is a LIFESAVER , ily bae <3

🌷 Dear 🗯️ anon! I am sorry for answering so late. My drafts are all messed up but I was able to focus on this. On my 📍 pinned post, I actually asked if you meant love triangles or MMF smut but you didn't reply. So, I'll just put both =)

Enjoy! Much love and credit goes to all these wonderful writers who brought these fics to life 💖🥳

TaeKook Fics (Taehyung x Reader x Jungkook)

Love Triangle/s

M/M/F Smutty One Shots/Series

#ReadwithMe (fics in my reading queue/planning to read)

Love Triangle

All I Want @ardentlyjae - series [6/6] | 126k | War AU, Soldier!Taehyung | Heavy Angst, S

I actually read this on AO3 but I realized it’s on tumblr too. I remember this fic every time I hear Kodaline’s All I Want, which the fic was inspired by

Anima Meaology @arckook - series [5/5] | 26k | Soulmate AU, soulmate glitch (those with mismatched tattoos on their wrist) | A, F

I read this long ago on AO3 when I had this soulmate AU-fixation phase and I saw it on tumblr recently. Just had to read it again 🥺

Aquarium, Part 2 @whatifyoulivelikethat - two shot | 6.9k | cheating/infidelity, healing/comfort, second chances | A, F

I really like this comfort fic 🥰. Also shows that people deserve second chances, even the person who caused so much hurt. Screamed about it here and here

Change @junghelioseok - series [10/10] | 39.2k | a kind handsome stranger (Taehyung) makes you question your deteriorating relationship (Jungkook) | A, S, F

can I just say that Taehyung is such a sweetheart here 🥰? I always envision Paris Taehyung 2018 in this

Everything Goes @jamaisjoons - one shot | 24k | Fuckboy!Taehyung, Bestfriend!Taehyung, Stranger!Jungkook, unrequited love | A, S  (really angsty)

First Light @inktae - one shot | 24k | Bestfriend!Taehyung, Masked Jungkook who can’t seem to leave the forest, Fantasy AU, based on hotarubi no mori e | F

If you’ve seen my fic recs list, inktae is always part of my recs. The way they write is just emotionally and visually haunting. Their works are just masterpieces. This is beautifully heartbreaking and heartbreakingly beautiful.

House of Cards @aiimaginesbts - series [10/10] | 40k | infidelity au, taehyung in an arranged marriage with someone else, roommate Jungkook | A, S, F

don’t we all want to have a roommate like Jungkook who will be there to comfort you over your heartbreak over someone else?

Stealing the Bite by wildernessuntothemselves - series [6/6] | 37k | witch!reader x werewolf!taehyung x vampire!jungkook, supernatural au, fantasy au | S, A

I mentioned before that some are divided re the ending, so I wonder what’s going to be the reactions of others

The Muse @daddychims - one shot | 30k | Author!Reader, Bestfriend!Taehyung, Fuckboy!Taehyung,  Coworker!Jungkook, Taehyung offered OC to watch him have sex with another so she could write an erotic scene | S, A, F

The Universe of Us (read on mobile) @/taesthetes (officially closed her account) - one shot | 21k | Dream AU, Fantasy, Slice of Life, Kimi no Nawa-inspired | F, A

I am never going to shut up about this fic lol. It’s not exactly a love triangle, ugh hard to explain but please read this wonderful fic. Check their other KTH x R x JJK soulmate fic Cloud Ten too.

When You Least Expect @johobi - series [12/14 + drabble] | 118k | Slow Burn, Love Triangle, Drama, Childhood Friend Taehyung, set up with another guy (Jungkook) | S, A, F

ugh, I want to put another tag about Jungkook but I guess it’s a surprise. I just love the drama 🍿

🌷 I’m forgetting two more fics but I’ll update this once I remember. I haven’t read recently released fics too! I’ll add if there are good ones that come along

MMF Smutty One Shots/Series

A Piece of You @httpjeon - one shot | 13.9k | abo dynamics, camboy AU, camgirl AU, fan jungkook joins the cam session | S, F

All’s Fair @kimvtae - one shot | 13k | soulmate AU, college AU, dating Taehyung for a year but different name (Jungkook) showed up on OC’s wrist (lol it’s not a problem if you can get them both) | S

Blacklisted @/httpjeon - one shot | 21k | dom/sub AU, CEO AU, “after departing from your dom, you’re assigned to two incredibly powerful men” | A, F, S

Business @btssmutgalore - two shot | 28.9k | executive!reader, inventors/start-up owners taekook | S (seriously, how could I have missed including this here)

Dulce Periculum @forgottenpasta - two shot [2/2]  | 16k | Hybrid AU, Tiger Hybrid!Tae, Owner!Reader, Wolf Hybrid!Jungkook | S, A, F

Easy Like Sunday Morning @ofsugakookies - one shot | 11.8k | boyfriend AU (yes, both of them), dom!taehyung, sub!jungkook | S, PWP

It Takes Two To Make A Thing Go Right @imaginethisbts - two shot [2/2] 11.6k | Hybrid AU (dog hybrids) | S, A (side note: I realized I’ve read all of their fics! give their masterlist a try)

Just Kidding @/whatifyoulivelikethat - series [5/?] | 21.1k+ | nympho OC, friend Taehyung, tae’s roommate Jungkook | S, kinda F, crack

this is actually fun 😊; and the episodes are written in a drabble-ish sort of way so you won’t feel like it needs to be updated to get the story moving. It’s basically just reading fun scenarios of nympho OC and these two satisfying her needs *wink wink

Not So Digital @jiminables  - sequel to Digital Boy | 2.7k | camboy!taehyung, bestfriend!jungkook, short mxm | S, slight F

Playing to Win @tayegi - one shot | 8.6k | FWB AU (tae), sort of enemies to lovers (jungkook), TaeKook (mxm), originally Taehyung x OC (fwb) | S

okay this is one of my favorites! I’m amazed at how the power dynamics were written. Taehyung seems a dom with OC but with Jungkook he is all soft and sub; then, there’s that dynamic between Jungkook and OC who disliked each other originally. I just found the shifting so interesting and the writer was able to display these changes in dom/sub behavior among the three characters really well

Pour Up @jungkxook - one shot | 14k | fuckboy AU, fratboy AU (applies to two of them), one sassy OC, one kind of jealous Koo | S (thank you dear author for reposting this! 🥰)

Shhh @bang-tan-bitches - drabble (with OT7 sequel) | 2.7k | PWP (just pure hot imagine)

Shameless @imaginethisbts - one shot | 5.1k | established relationship (jungkook x oc), Taehyung’s POV, exhibitionism | S (not exactly threesome, because JK and OC are just doing it in front of people, Taehyung had a bit of action in the end)

Sugar & Spice @divine-bangtan - one shot | 20.8k | Kiki’s Delivery Service!AU, Baker AU, Noona AU, Assistant!Jungkook, Rich!Taehyung, pining Koo, a bit of M x M  | S, F, A (it’s all good everyone ends up happy 😊)

Sugar and Spice @sunkissedjk - two shot [2/2] | 8.6k | Your friends ask you whether you prefer sugar (jjk) or spice (kth) | S

ugh this is such an indulgent imagine. If taekook are your friends and they help you decide what type of sex you prefer through a demonstration, wouldn’t you want for multiple demos before deciding? *wink wink

Sacrilegious @therealmintedmango -  part of the Gods and Monsters series | 15.6k | Demon!Jungkook, Fallen Angel!Reader, God!Taehyung | S (so sinful 😈💦)

Sweat Pea @nitaescence - series [10/10] | 63k | DDLG!AU, caregiver!jungkook, caregiver!taehyung, little!oc | S, F, A

so I’m glad there was an ask about caregiver!jungkook because I remembered this. I actually checked if there’s a follow up drabble because the ending is open to any interpretation so I’m curious how other readers interpreted it

051 + Scum’s Wish @scriptmin - one shot | 3k | bestfriend!jungkook, pining!oc (unrequited), rebound!taehyung | S, A

it’s actually kind of sad 😭 but I added this because it's good to have variety. Not all smutty pieces will be a happy one

Tattooed Two @/httpjeon - one shot | 8.5k | tattoo artist AU, boyfriend Jungkook joined by his bestfriend Taehyung | S, F

The Doms Next Door @tatertotthethot - series [3.1/?] | 33.8k+ | BDSM AU, Poly, Neighbor AU, Tattoo Artist AU | S

I really love this series. It’s so funny too, I remember Jimin here - he’s THAT bestfriend you want to have. PLUS TaeKook are absolutely hot. If you're not interested in being a sub or partaking in bdsm, you will reconsider

The Hush Series @suga-kookiemonster - two shot [2/2] | 16.9k | coworker’s friends TaeKook, sort of E2L (Jungkook), dom!taehyung, a bit of voyeurism | | S

okay, I really like author’s writing. It can be about sinful delicious smut scenes but I noticed the members always have this developed characterization. I actually find Taehyung so adorably charming - makes me wonder if irl tae is secretly sinful too behind that sweetness lol

Thic Trilogy @btsinned - series [3/7] | 37k+ | CEO AU, Hybrid AU, College AU, Chubby!Reader | S, F, A

🌷 I’m throwing in fics in my reading queue #ReadwithMe

Attitude Adjustment @s0seo - one shot | 11.8k | Roommate AU | S

Chain Reaction @kissmetae - one shot | 3.2k | boyfriend Taehyung and friend Jungkook helping OC relax | S

Cherry @kpopstories - series [4/?] | 29k+ |  college AU, fuckboy AU, love triangle | A, S, F (this is part of my ongoing reading list)

Cobalt Blue @hauntedlilies - one shot | 11.3k | artist AU, “you asked Jungkook to draw you like one of his french girls” | S

When You’re Mad @honeyj00ns -  one shot | 3.8k | established relationship (boyfriend Jungkook), enemies to lovers Taehyung, Taehyung is JK’s bestfriend, Christmas AU, College AU| S

Madam Cupcake @craztextae - series [6/?] | 69.2k+ | Sugarbaby AU, Idolverse, idol!jungkook meets OC through an app called “sugarmamas(.)com” | S, F

Player Two @minjoonalist - one shot | 10.6k | Gamer!Jungkook, Boyfriend!Jungkook, Boyfriend!Taehyung, Brat!Reader | S

Tag Team @goodnight-tae - one shot | 5.2k | stripper AU, TaeKook are roommates and friends who share most things 😉 | S, PWP

Whoa @bangtanlalaland - one shot | 4.7k | skater!taehyung, 1970s AU, coworker!jungkook | S, PWP, Crack

posted: 2021 March 12; updated: 2021 May 12

link to other fic recs here

feel free to recommend a fic

[larrydoinglaundry]

Okay, so here's my recap of LTWT Stockholm😵 I'll write everything I can remember. The concert pieces will come together in my head later lol, my thoughts are still a bit scattered.

👇🏻Click to read the whole novel story below and see a random video of Louis telling us to cheer for the crew and introducing habit👇🏻

Queue: I met a girl on tiktok that was also going alone, so we decided to queue together. We got to the venue at 4 am, and got numbers 72 ja 73, but rose to 63 and 64 because some people were gone too long from the queue and lost their spots. I heard the ones who made the queue system and camped did favor some people, as in let them come back to the queue even after being gone. But other than that, the queue was drama free! And it got super long very early in the morning. Security was with us the whole day and handled everything super well. The only thing that heated things up was the security check when they opened the gates and your number didn't really matter at that point anymore, lol. But we went in in a little choo-choo train so nobody was running and pushing.

Waiting inside the venue + Only the Poets: I got second row, that's the most important part heh. Anyway, security told us all to sit down and gave us water. They stressed the importance of hydration continously. They gave water in paper or plastic cups, but once Only the Poets came in, they switched to also squirting water into people's mouths from the bottles. Some people's mouths touched the bottles so hello covid. Also, no masks in sight except for like two or three 💀

OTP had great energy! They were palpably touched by the audience's reactions and our "torches" + the hearts we held up. I think it was for their music video or something. Girls in front of me waited for louis in the beginning I think because they sighed and almost rolled their eyes when they came on💀 They also somehow squeezed in front of me.

After OTP we got water again, plenty of it, and I think first people fainted during this period. It was warm in the front but not overly hot but the middle must have been burning hot. Security kept telling people to step back because first few rows from barricade were getting squished.

Louis: First of all. Louis. He looked so dainty in real life. I wouldn't call him tiny but very lithe and light. Also hello sweatpants. I somehow managed to not cry when he came on stage. And I had my y/n moment...

Anyway. People next to me were continously flipping him off and trying to get him to do it back, and I know it's a sign of affection, but now that he was there, I couldn't have done it myself💀 Call me a prude idc.

The audience was loud. I got to scream sing you were my because, come so far from Princess Park & Larry call a load of smoke in. The energy during Through the Dark was unmatched. Always You was a fave of mine. And of course KMM but we'll get to that.

I was a little disappointed we weren't allowed to bring flags with sticks in, they made us pull or snap the sticks, so the pride during OTB wasn't as noticable as it could have been😔

His speaking voice sounds even higher in person. Except for the part when he introduced Habit like what was that sir?? 😳

Sooo many people fainted. I lost count how many but security handled it well, and the show flowed without interruptions. Louis did look upset after the umpteenth fainting, though, and also tossed his water for people at one point.

Kill my mind. Kill. My. Mind.

Honestly at this point was already near tears because I knew it's ending soon. But the energy of the venue kept them at bay, lol. Then I just saw how he jumped down from the stage?? There was a huge pressure behind me as everyone wanted to get close in case he comes to our side. I didn't expect to get to touching distance so I was just ready to film in case he walks by. But the motherfucker jumped on the barricade right in front of us?? When I tell you I was shocked and my soul left my body. It all happened so fast but I reached out to softly hold his wrist and my brains slowly processed I was touching Louis Tomlinson?? Soft skin with fair body hair I'm-😔 Then he hopped off and smiled like the mischievous devil he is, knowing very well what kind of chaos he caused. Oh, then came the waterworks... We were all either crying or laughing a little maniacally, or just in general shock, and he had the audacity to laugh when he got back on stage.

Lil' fucker will be the death of me.

Interestingly enough, I had never cried because of a concert before. Or even after my M&G with Adam Lambert who has been the wind beneath my wings for the past 11 years. So I guess it's safe to say I feel more content in my emotions these days, and feel more. I was still crying when I walked to my hotel.

I felt so incredibly lucky this was my first show since pandemic started and also my first Louis show. My first time ever seeing Louis in general. I don't know what good things I have done to deserve this joy but if there is a higher power, for once, they liked me😔❤��� I feel a bit bummed I sold my other Louis tickets because I got harrassed for attending multiple shows (while some attend all...), but at least now this was a special little thing that I looked forward to so long.

Until the next time, babes❤️ Maybe get over your beef with Finland by then. Why is it the only Nordic country you left out? 💀

Have this random video of mine:

[wholesomemendes]

Omg congrats on 1k🥳🥳 concept- a blurb about love languages and like ur guys styles are diff lil angst pls heheheh

Author's Note: Hiiiiiii. How are you lovies? I know you probably all hate me cause I just disappeared but hopefully this will kinda make up for it for those of you who are actually still here. Fun fact never used the queue before so we'll see how that goes. Also I vaguely remember the read more thing not working that well with asks, but I don't remember what I used to do to fix that so hopefully this works. Love all of you and miss you *mwah* please interact with me so I get more motivation lol

The second the door shuts to the condo you share with your love, you can already hear his unmistakable voice call out for you, “Baby, come here! I have a surprise for you!” You roll your eyes, knowing that some insanely expensive gift was probably waiting for you around that corner. Shawn wasn’t the type to randomly spend a large portion of his money on things he didn’t need, but when it came to you, there was no limit to his spending. Anytime he saw something that reminded him of you or that he thought you’d look stunning in, he couldn’t stop himself from swiping his card. It wasn’t like you didn’t appreciate the copious amount of gifts he gave you; you knew he meant well and that one of his love languages was giving gifts. However, as someone who was raised to be independent and not accept “handouts” from anyone, you found it hard to be constantly given things you didn’t work for and you didn’t believe you deserved yet. You didn’t find it fair that you weren’t at that stage in your life where you could gift Shawn something as expensive as what he gives you, but you constantly get those things from him. It wouldn’t have phased you as much if it was just for holidays, but this was an almost every other day occurrence and no matter how many times you told him not to buy things for you, he never seemed to listen.

You sighed, putting your purse on the table and making your way towards the bedroom, desperately wishing you could just relax into a warm bath after your hard day at work instead of facing whatever your loving boyfriend had in store for you. Opening the door you were met with Shawn’s smiling face, a large box with the word Gucci written in bold lettering across it. You put on a fake smile as your heart sank. This couldn’t be what you thought it was could it? “Hey,” he put the box next to him in favor of pulling you onto his lap, “How was work today?” He pressed a sweet kiss to your lips and for a moment, you let yourself get pulled into the utter bliss that was Shawn Mendes.

“I won’t lie, not the greatest,” you sighed as you rested your head on his shoulder.

“Why, what happened?” he asked, his arm tightening around you to pull you closer.

“It was just insane today and my boss was in a bad mood and...I don’t know it was just bad and I’m exhausted.”

“Well, I think I have something that might cheer you up!”

“Shawn…,” you said in a mix of a whine and a stern tone, “I told you no more.”

“I know, I know,” he rushed out, placing the box in your hands, “I just want to spoil my girl. I can afford to do so and there’s no one else that deserves it more than you do.” It hurt your heart to hear him talk like that when not a single part of you felt you deserved it. You were nowhere close to where you wanted to be in your life career wise and you certainly weren’t near Shawn’s level of success. “Just open it, please?” he gave you his softest puppy dog eyes that always made you cave.

“Ok…” Opening up the box your heart stopped. There lying in the delicate paper was one of the most beautiful handbags you had ever seen; the one you had secretly been saving up for for almost a year now. You thought you had hid it from him so well, always looking at it when he wasn’t there to make sure you could still get it, and even putting together a small envelope of extra money to use towards it. This was supposed to be your first big designer purchase in honor of your huge promotion at work a little under a year ago today, but of course Shawn had to go and ruin it all for you.

Meanwhile, Shawn was oblivious to the disappointment and resentment brewing inside of you. “Do you like it?” he asked with the biggest smile, “I noticed the tab open on your computer last week when I borrowed it for those pictures and thought you liked it!”

“Why would you do this?” you whispered, a crack forming in your voice.

“What?”

“Why would you do this?” you almost snapped at him, looking at him with tears that held mixed emotions.

“B- because I love you,” he stammered, not having prepared to have this reaction. In his head you were going to come home, see the gift, smother him in thank you kisses, and maybe, just maybe, you would make love to him for the rest of the night. Never in his wildest dreams did it end up like this.

“If you loved me you would have listened to me and not bought this, or anything for that matter!” you exclaimed as you stood up off his lap, “I’ve told you so many times I don’t want you buying anything for me but you never listen!”

“I- I’m sorry, I just thought…”

“No that’s the thing, you didn’t think! I just- god, Shawn, this was it, the one thing I was going to do for myself after all these years. I was only $100 away from my goal, I was right there! But you can’t just think with your head for one second and think about how your girlfriend who always tells you that you don’t need to buy things for her might be planning on finally achieving one of her goals of having enough money to spend it on something like this!”

If your eyes weren’t filled with tears and you weren’t so blinded by your emotions you might have been able to see Shawn’s heart visibly breaking on the bed, leaving him looking like a hurt puppy. “I’m so sorry, I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I’ll, I’ll return the bag or or you can pay me back for it so it’s like you bought it yourself!”

“You don’t understand because you’ve never had any problems with money. It’s not the same anymore, Shawn. No matter what, all I’ll be reminded of is that you bought it first and not me.”

“What can I do? I, I swear I’ll do anything,” his voice cracked as his own tears filled his eyes.

“I don’t, I don’t know. I need to go.” You knew you were being dramatic, but after 2 years of the same thing with Shawn over and over again you had reached your breaking point.

“No please, I’ll fix this I promise,” he pleaded, standing up to face you.

You successfully avoided him so you could grab a small bag with your things, “Shawn, I need space for at least one night.”

He reached out for you this time, his large hand grabbing your arm desperately to turn you around, “Please, don’t go. I won’t buy you anything else, I swear!”

“It’s not that I just, I don’t know. I’m upset and I’m tired and my head is all over the place and…” His large hands cupped your jaw and pressed his lips hard against yours, giving you no space to pull away. The slight taste of salt from both of your tears on your lips broke your heart more than it was before. It was hard to explain why you weren’t fighting him on this kiss; it was almost as if he was kissing you so that it was easier to let you go for the night.

His lips released yours reluctantly with a sigh, “I’ll pack my things for the night. You stay here.”

“Shawn…”

“No, I was the one who messed up so I should be the one who has to leave. I still have a backpack I never unpacked from when I got back from LA last week and I can stay with my parents for however long you want. I- ,” he looked down shamefully, his hands finally dropping from your face. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to make you happy, but I wasn’t even thinking of what would really make you happy. Just, just tell me when you’re ready for me to come back home.”

He made his way through the bedroom, grabbing his phone, wallet, backpack and guitar before making his way through the door. Your heart cried out to go after your love, but your feet stayed planted almost in shock of everything that just happened. You were still mad at him, upset with him, and if it was possible, even more upset and mad at yourself. So as much as you wanted to run after him, you let him walk away with half your heart in his hands.

____________________________

“Mom?” you sniffled as you sat on the edge of your bed, the infamous handbag discarded next to you as if it was taunting you.

“Oh honey, what’s wrong?” the soft voice of your mother filled the speaker.

“I messed up,” you confessed, “I really messed up and I don’t...I don’t…”

“Take a deep breath, dear, and tell me what happened. I’m sure it can be fixed.”

“I don’t know if it can. I’m a horrible person!”

“You are not a horrible person. Now tell me exactly what happened.”

She listed carefully as a mother does while you went through moment through moment of your lash out with Shawn, up until the point where he left. “I feel terrible, Mom. This was just the one thing I had planned to do for myself and he never took into account how I would feel about this even though I constantly tell him how I feel about gift giving.”

“Sweetheart, I know you so badly want to be an independent woman and there’s nothing wrong with that. But you’re in a relationship now which means not everything you do can be independent. Think about it from his point of view: all of these things he gets you he gets out of love. He doesn’t do it because he wants you to rely on him for money, he knows you’re not with him for that and it’s probably one of the reasons he loves you so much; you treat him like a regular person. Not someone who is just a pretty face that can buy you whatever you want and get you fame. However, he is someone with money and that means he can afford these things for you. It’s not to belittle any of your accomplishments in your career or financially because we both know how supportive he is of you. It’s simply because he wants to show you he’s thinking about you and spoil you to make you happy. I know gifts aren’t one of your main love languages, but it’s definitely one of his. I bet if you had told him about this bag and how much it meant to you instead of hiding it from him, he would have never dreamed of taking it away from you. I understand your immediate frustration, but maybe think about if you’re truly upset with him about this or if you’re upset with yourself for not being able to reciprocate.”

“You’re right, Mom.”

“Of course I’m right, I’m your mother!” she let out a light hearted laugh, “But seriously, go apologize to that boy. He’s probably beating himself up over this.”

____________________________

“Are you and Dad home right now?”

“Yes, why is something wrong?”

“Can’t I just be coming over to say hello?”

“Of course you can, but I can tell by your voice that something is wrong.”

A sad smile formed on his face at the fact that even over a car speaker, his mom was still able to read him like a book. “Y/n and I got into a fight.”

“Oh no,” his mother gasped, never hearing many difficulties between the two, “What happened?”

“It’s my fault, Mom, I was being selfish,” he replied defeated, his guilty heart weighing down on him, “You know how I love to give gifts right? Well, Y/n isn’t always the biggest fan of it because she loves being independent. But I can’t help it! She’s the first person who hasn’t been overjoyed over every gift I give her and I never understand because I just want her to be happy and I know they’re things she would like so...I just don’t think! I don’t know why I can’t take a hint and just do what she wants me to do! I just want to make her happy, Mom, and feel loved and all I’ve done is annoy her and upset her!”

“Ok, before you keep going on this self-deprecated spiral, I need you to tell me what happened. And no more blaming yourself until I’ve heard everything.” So he did. And just like the conversation unfolding back at his home, his own mother listened to every word he had to say.

“From my understanding,” she began, “And I’m not saying this to try to defend you, but it sounds like she is battling some problems of her own.”

“No, you don’t understand, I wasn’t listening to her…”

“Oh will you hush! I wasn’t finished. Could you lay off the gifts and make them every once in a while? Of course. However, I believe her outburst today had something to do with some financial conflicts she is facing and maybe just an overall bad mood. You’re not perfect, obviously you need to tone down the gifts just a little bit, but you were definitely not in the full wrong here. There was no way she could have expected you to know about her intentions and plans so you can’t blame that on yourself. She definitely felt that she had to hide it from you in fear that you wouldn’t listen, which might be another issue if she believes that you aren’t willing to budge on your point of view. But you should not go beating yourself up over this! She’ll come around to her senses and you two will be fine.”

“Thank you, Mom. I hope so, I miss her already,” Shawn pouted, wishing so desperately that he was driving back home instead of away from it.

“Of course. Now I’ll make sure your room is all ready for whenever you get here and I’ll stay up to give you a big hug. How does that sound?”

“Amazing, I’ll be there in…” the sight of your name popping up on his center console broke him from his thoughts, “Wait, Mom, she’s calling me. I’ll call you back.”

“Good luck honey!”

With shaky hands, he hit answer on the phone, “Shawn?”

Even just hearing his name out of your mouth brought him comfort, “Yes? Are you ok? Did something happen?”

“No, I’m fine. I mean I’m not fine, but physically I’m fine. Anyways, I’m going to ramble so I’ll just try to say this quick before I stray too far away from what I was going to say and before I get myself even more worked up again because who knows how long…”

“Y/n,” he stopped you, knowing you would ramble on forever, “Why did you call me?”

“Please come home.” His heart nearly lept out of his chest at your words, not needing to hear anymore. “I’m so sorry, Shawn. I should never have lashed out at you and…”

“Don’t say anything else. I don’t want to do this over the phone. I love you, please don’t apologize and I’ll be home in half an hour.”

“But, Shawn…”

“I love you and I’ll see you soon.” With that he hung up the phone and sped his way back through the Toronto streets to the girl he loved most.

____________________________

The second you heard the door open you ran to launch your body into his arms, abandoning your previous post of walking holes in the floor. He gladly accepted you against him, holding you tight in his arms. “I’m so sorry,” you pleaded, new tears rimming at your eyes, “Please forgive me.”

“Shushh, we both can apologize in a second. I just want to hold you.” Shawn maneuvered the two of you back onto your bed with you in his lap, still clinging onto him for dear life. He felt your tears wetting his shirt and while it broke his heart to know you were

hurting, he hoped that being close to you for these few more moments would show that he wasn’t mad at you. After a couple minutes passed, he loosened his grasp on you, “Y/n look at me.” You did as told, revealing your tearful eyes to him. “I’m not mad at you,” he promised as he wiped your tears away, “I’m not upset with you in any way. I forgive you for whatever you feel you need to be forgiven for and I hope you can say the same with me.”

“No, you have nothing to apologize for!” you protested, “You did nothing but try to show me love and make me happy and I’m so sorry I couldn’t look past my own selfish issues. Talking with my mom made me realize that the reason I have always been so apprehensive to receiving your gifts is because I’m not at the point in my career that I thought I would be and I'm letting out my resentment at myself on you. I know how wrong that is of me and I am so sorry for it. There’s nothing wrong with you expressing your love through gifts and I can’t express how sorry I am for making you believe that you were the issue.”

“I forgive you. And I’m sorry, too. I should have talked with you about this and taken into account how you didn’t respond the same way as my friends and family when I give them things and should have taken a step back. I realize my gifts are excessive and I will work to tone them back so they are more special. I love you, Y/n. Even being away from you for an hour after a fight was too much for me to bear.”

“I love you, too. I hated being away from you more than anything.” He kissed your lips passionately, transferring every emotion he had for you into that kiss. Hands caressed your body as yours held him tighter in fear of him disappearing and neither of you wanted to relive this night ever again. “Shawn?” you whispered against his lips, receiving a hum in response, “Thank you for the bag. I can’t wait to tell everyone how my loving and thoughtful boyfriend got it for me.”

“You don’t have to, I can return it.”

“Return it? This is my dream bag and the fact that you wanted to get it for me because you could tell I wanted it means a lot even though I had the absolute worst way of showing it.”

“Stop,” he kissed you again, “I don’t want you to worry about it any longer. Let me just love on you how I had planned tonight.” And while it might not have been the way Shawn had planned the night to go, he was ending it exactly how he wanted to.

[sckyie]

word count: 1.6k

genre + warnings: fluff; timeskip!kuroo, streamer!kenma, baby kuroo (like his kid not him), the word poggers is used

pronouns used: she/her

a/n: for reading purposes, oji (叔父上) is uncle and oba (叔母様) is aunt, doraemon is that bluecat thing with no ears ,, next imagine is gender neutral pronouns

"You should let Y/n play a round," Kenma reads off the chat. "I would but she has to go to the store."

"Either way I can't when I get back, I have to babysit," You say standing up from your chair beside Kenma. "I'll see you later bub." You peck his cheek before putting your rolling chair off to the side and leaving the room. 

You had decided to go out to get some groceries before Kuroo came by with his daughter, Tomiko, for you to babysit. His wife had gone on a business trip and he had an important meeting to attend. You agreed since you and Kenma mainly work from home. 

About ten minutes later, you pull into the parking lot of your local grocery store and get a phone call from Kuroo. "Hello?" You ask.

"Hey, I know I said four but apparently the meeting is being pushed up two hours. Can I drop off Miko right now?" Kuroo rushed.

"Oh, I'm not home, Kenma is. Just drop her off, he's streaming but it should be fine. I just got to the store," You say. "If you need it, the spare key is in the lamp above the door."

"Thank you so much Y/n, I owe you again!" He says before ending the call. Kuroo turns to his babbling daughter and swoops her up. "Come on babe, you're going to Oji's."

Kuroo gets all of her stuff ready before heading out. He texts Kenma that he's coming over but to his luck, no response. Kenma was too absorbed in his match of Valorant to reply to his best friend. Once at the front door, he knocks but again, no response. Kuroo reaches up to get the key and unlock the door himself. 

Tomiko began to babble louder as she recognized the living room. Kuroo kicks off his shoes and walks over to the streaming room. "Come in!" Kenma called after his best friend knocks. He turns to see him and Tomiko and tilts his head. "I thought you weren't coming until later?"

"I texted you and I think Y/n texted you too," Kuroo points out. Kenma quickly checks his phone and looks back up at chat. "She said it was fine to leave Miko with you."

"Hah?" Kenma turns back to him. "I'm playing solo queue and I just started stream."

"Miko can sit on your lap and watch. She does that with me at least," Kuroo strides over, placing his daughter on Kenma's lap. "I will see you later, and Kenma don't forget my baby is in your lap."

Kuroo quickly exits before turning to camera. Tomiko reaches at his desk but Kenma moves his keyboard, controller and mouse forward to avoid any accidents. "Uhm...Tomiko meet chat," Kenma awkwardly holds up his niece to the camera and a spam of heart eyes flood the chat. 

He was never one for taking care of kids or at least fond of it. When Tomiko was born, he obviously knew he had to watch her at one point but every time he did, you were there to help him. The entire topic of kids always been pushed back ever since you two got married. You were the one with baby fever while he didn't necessarily want to have a kid just yet.

Kenma sets her back down on his lap and notices her reaching for something on his desk. "Oh, did you want that?" He asks, pointing at the small cat plush on his desk. Tomiko's only response, because she's barely one, was to smack the table. Kenma reaches over, handing the toy to her. "Y/n got that for me, but you can play with it as long as you don't- drool on it." He finishes his sentence as Tomiko nibbled at its ear.

"Tomiko is so cute!"

"Awww! You and Y/n should have a kid!"

"Tomiko eating the cat is pog lol."

Many more comments flood in as Kenma admires the baby on his lap. He snaps out of his staring and looks back at the Valorant lobby. He switches to just his camera overlay and changes the title of the stream from "solo queue is poggers" to "idk yet i have a baby with me."

"I can't really play Val with you on me Miko," He turns to chat to see any suggestions. "Draw things with her on a paint studio? Maybe...Let her watch you play Minecraft...I like the drawing suggestion." Kenma replies to the comments. He carries Tomiko to the other side of room to get his drawing pad. He realizes his issue with moving the drawing pad and places Tomiko on his couch. 

Tomiko doesn't move an inch as she watches her uncle move his big drawing pad. "Baba," She calls out. "Wan Baba." Kenma immediately knew that meant she wanted you. 

"Sorry Miko, Oba isn't here right now," He says placing down the drawing pad. After hearing his words, Tomiko began to whine at him. "Oh no, no, no, don't cry." Within an instant, Tomiko began to cry, slapping her hands on the couch. Kenma goes to carry her but she smacks his shoulder in protests.

"Baba! Wan Baba!" She cries. Kenma seats himself, only to see sympathetic comments.

"Miko look, look," He attempts to show her the plush she was previously chewing. She swats the toy away, still wailing to see you. "Uhm...I don't know what to do, Y/n usually takes care of her."

Tomiko continues to cry, smack, and scream for you to come get her, leaving Kenma lost in how you always kept her from crying. He looks around for something to help and spots his headphones. A thought comes to mind and he quickly types in his search bar on his computer. Soon after, the opening to Doraemon starts to play.

Her crying ceases as she looks on the screen to see her favorite blue cat. "Is that better?" He asks. "How about...we draw him?"

Tomiko watches as Kenma lowers the music down and opens his drawing software. She began to calm down yet her breath was still stuttering. Kenma sketches out Doraemon and Tomiko began to smile slightly. "Do you want to color it?" He points to the drawing pad. He switches it to touch screen mode as she reaches to touch it. "What color do you want?"

"Boo," She says. Kenma switches the color to blue before Tomiko starts scribbling on Kenma's drawing. Tomiko's sniffles slightly as he wipes off her tears with his sleeves. 

"She's better now, yeah I'm glad she is," Kenma responds to his chat. "Miko, what else do you like to do...Nevermind you can't talk and I'm dumb."

"Jellwy?" She asks. 

"Jelly?" Kenma tilts his head at her. "What do you mean by jelly?"

"Jelly cups maybe?"

"Jell-o?"

"What if she's saying a video game with jelly?"

"Jellwy," Tomiko looks away from the screen to look at Kenma. "Jellwy fly!"

"Jelly fly?" Kenma stares at her intensely. "What jelly flies? Do you mean like slime rancher?" Kenma exits out the drawing software, changing the title of the stream beforehand, and opens the opens Slime Rancher. 

Tomiko's eyes light up and a smile grows on her face. She giggles cheerfully as Kenma began to play one of his old saves. More comments roll in as Tomiko's adorable noises captures the viewer's hearts. Kenma smiles as she is finally happy in his lap and not crying out for someone else. 

About twenty minutes into the game, you arrive home to find the two still streaming. "Hi bub," You peek in. Tomiko sat up at the sound of your voice. She shifts around in Kenma's lap to look over his shoulder. "And hi Miko! Were you playing with Oji?" 

"Baba!" She cheered. You walked over, expecting her to reach out to you but she seats herself back onto Kenma. "Pay jellwies." She points to the screen.

"Oh Jiji's playing jellies?" You leaned down and kissed Kenma, also prompting Tomiko to push your face away from his. "Ok missy, how about, we let Jiji stream and we can go make dinner?"

"No! Wan jellwies!" She argued. 

"She's fine here, I don't mind her. Chat loves her anyways," Kenma says. "Miko, do you want to show Oba your drawing?"

Tomiko smacks the table as an agreement and he switches monitors to show you the messily colored Doraemon. "Wow Miko, good job," You praised. "I especially like that Oji added ears to him."

"Oh, he doesn't have ears?" He asks. You nodded and placed your hand on his shoulder. "Anyways, let me know when dinner is done so I can end stream. Miko and I have important slime farming to do." You roll your eyes, pecking Tomiko and Kenma. 

Right when you finish cooking dinner, Kuroo arrives to get Tomiko. Kenma explains his day to his best friend after ending his stream, leaving him to smother his daughter with kisses. "Do you want to hang out with Oji again?" He asks. Miko nods and holds out her hand for Kenma to high five. "Thank you again. I'll treat you to dinner when the Mrs's comes back."

You say your goodbyes and turn to Kenma who was setting the table. You go to the stove, plating everything when you felt a pair of arms around your waist. "I want a baby," Kenma muffled into your shoulder.

"You want a what?" You chuckled.

"Miko needs a cousin," He says. Kenma pulls away from your back and stood beside you. "Can we get a baby now?"

"Bubs, we can't just buy a baby," You laughed. "Tomiko gave you baby fever, huh?"

"Maybe," He says. "Also we can babysit Miko anytime Kuroo asks."

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @just-a-siiimp @d0llpie @elianetsantana

[musette22]

So, tomorrow is the day 🦾

To everyone who is watching and who’s excited: HAVE SO MUCH FUN, and I hope it’s everything you’ve been hoping for and more 💜

To everyone who is watching but a bit apprehensive or anxious about it for whatever reason: I hope it’ll exceed your expectations and that you’ll come to enjoy it, and in the meantime I’m sending lots of love and support 💜

To everyone who isn’t planning on watching tomorrow, for whatever (non-assholish) reason: Please take care of yourself and remember that your own well-being & mental health are always paramount 💜

A few (lol) notes under the cut, for those who are interested (mostly aimed at the last category, I’d say!)

TLDR; I myself am not planning on watching tomorrow - I’ll probably watch the show at some point in the future, but I want to know exactly what I’m getting into before I do. I’m too emotionally invested in the relationship between Bucky and Steve to be able to enjoy it right now, but at the same time I’m also 100% rooting for the show to do well, for various reasons, and it does have my full support. For my personal mental health, I’ll likely be on Tumblr a little less for a while, at least while the show airs, but I’ll be running a queue and answering messages as much as possible.

As I’ve said before, I myself am not planning on watching tomorrow - I might watch the show at some point in the future, but I want to know exactly what I’m getting into before I do. At this point I don’t feel emotionally and mentally up to dealing with some developments this show is inevitably going to present. By that, I mean possible deaths, therapy sessions, mentions of Steve, new love interests etc. - I do not mean having a new Captain America, or two of my favourite characters getting a chance to shine and bond, just for the record.

Despite my reservations, I am also 100% rooting for the show to do well, for various reasons. I’m so hyped for Sam being Cap, I’m so loving the dynamic between Bucky and Sam, I’m so looking forward to Sharon finally getting the screentime and character development she deserves, and I’m so so happy for and proud of Anthony and Sebastian for being co-leads in their very own blockbuster TV show - and for all those reasons I want the show to be a great success. Millions of people are going to be watching and loving the show and I couldn’t be happier about that.

As for myself, I know I’m too emotionally invested in the relationship between Bucky and Steve to be able to enjoy it. In fact, for a Stucky shipper like myself (i.e. an extreme (mono)shipper), the fact that part of the show deals with Steve Rogers leaving his best friends and fucking off to the past to have his perfectly heteronormative and incredibly OCC happily ever after is pretty much the worst thing I can imagine, and it’s enough to actively spoil the whole thing for me. I wish it wasn’t, because as I’m pretty sure you’re all aware, I’m kind of a massive Sebastian/Bucky stan and I fucking love Anthony/Sam to boot, and I’m devastated to be missing out on the fun here. But I’m self-aware enough to know that it’s better if I don’t put myself through this.

And I know some people might say that I’m being dramatic and the show hasn’t even aired yet, which is fair lol. But I’ve been so upset at every trailer I’ve seen, and I’ve cried so much just thinking about it for the past few months, that I’m pretty positive it’s just not for me. I’m fully aware it’s not healthy to feel this emotionally compromised by a TV show, and since this type of hurt is something I have the ability to distance and protect myself from, I owe it to myself to do so.

I’m sure Mackie and Seb would agree, and they still have my full support, and so does the show itself to a large extent. But I’m going to stay over here in my little comfort bubble for as long as I need to, and I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with that. We all have to do what we have to do to cope, especially this year. On the bright side, I’m super excited to do some proper writing again, because I haven’t been able to as much as I’d like lately and I have signed up for several Stucky bangs 🙈 

So anyway, this was (characteristically) way too long and too pompous but it’ll have to do lol. I’m not sure how much you guys are going to notice as a result of it, but from tomorrow, I’ll likely be on here a little less - at least on Fridays and probably Saturdays, for the duration of the show. I’ll be running a queue, I’ll be answering DMs and asks (but most likely not too many about the show itself, because as you can tell, I need to step back from that a bit for right now) and working on my writing, but I won’t be checking my dash much. So if there’s something you’d really like me to see, please feel free to tag me or send it to me!! If I do reblog any TFATWS content, I’ll of course make sure to tag it for spoilers with ‘tfatws spoilers’. 

Alright, I think that’s all I wanted to say for the moment, but again, if you’d like me to clarify anything, do feel free to ask me (nicely). I’m sending everyone who needs it lots of love, support, bear hugs and smooches. You’re not alone and things might be weird for a while, but maybe it won’t be so bad, and in any case it’ll be alright in the end. Maybe a bit different, but still alright ❤️