#and . it doesnt sound too bad of a deal tbh

[catamaurrr-star]

thinking about my ocs again. it would be sooo fucked up if you were pyre actually

[thestarsloth]

I believe it is time for me to talk about piper again

Something i really dont like about this fandom is that we were quick to hate her even though the main reason wasnt her character

People generally hate her because of her relationship with drew. The problem here though is not piper, but the way drew was portrayed by the author. Drew was a flat character, and to me she was a lot like Nancy Bobofit (who didnt appear a lot tbh). In my opinion, if we knew drew a bit more, hers and Piper's fight would be much more interesting.

They also hate her because she ONCE said that the aphrodite cabin was shallow. We all know how rick has treated the aphrodite kids, right? Percy has said many things like that about them but noones hating on him. I know that is not an excuse but see the difference on how we treat the white boy?

Another reason is that she is not as traumatized as the others (??whywouldthatbeareason??) and people say she complains a lot, which, to be honest, i did not see in the books.

To start with, she was most of the time neglected by her dad who didnt understand her needs and never paid attention to her (to the point she had to steal a freaking car thank you very much). We' ve seen she was treated really bad from the kids in her school (racist comments and also comments about her family) and lets not talk about how bullying affects teenage kids. Lets just say that we all sympathized with percy when he was bullied and changed schools all the time but noone talks about the fact that piper was also bullied (and not by having pb&j thrown at her, which is also bad but...)

People also say that she is a "pick me" and "not like other girls". First of all, shaming her because she doesnt wear makeup or isnt stereotypically "girly" is more misogynistic than anything you say piper did.

She has never ever said anything that implies shes doing so for boys. Sje genuinly didnt like those things and people straight up attacked her for being a teenage girl with MASSIVE OTHER PROBLEMS TO DEAL WITH.

She did not shame drew for liking makeup as far as i remember, she only called the cabin shallow because they treated her EXACTLY like her bullies.

Also she "only talks about jason" and is "possesive". Hmhm. Reminds you of anything? OH! ANNABETH! But the white blond girl was excused because she was a "teenager", yet ive never seen anyone defend PIPER'S mistakes with that excuse, even if it is the truest thing for both her and Annabeth.

I have nothing against percy and annabeth, or people who headcanon piper as girly, but we should remember that canon piper was a teenage girl and support her just like we do with annabeth.

Thanks for reading my rant and i would love to hear opinions. I hope i didnt sound too agressive defending a fictional character hehe.

[ghostr0tz]

I would very much like to hear your Vox headcanons

Takes a deep breath before opening my mouth cartoonishly wide.

Definitely was disabled during life but probably hid it pretty well. I feel like Vox was sick a lot growing up.

Having a body thats both mechanical AND flesh? Yeah that sounds like an actual nightmare to live.

The only upside is Vox using his electricity for weird electrotherapy. And sometimes he gets annoyed and overdoes it when he doesnt immedietly feel better.

Vox makes his own aids and equipment, and deals with most of his health issues by himself too unless its too bad.

Makes sure his aids are at least stylish in the VoxTek branding. But he doesnt sell them probably. Those are his. Made for himself.

Probably has arthritis and definitely Hypermobile and generally his body just HATES him tbh. Maybe EDS or even POTS. Chronic migraines too (you would too if you had a screen for a head!!!!!) Doesnt have a pinpointed diagnosis though. Vox just sort of Deals with his symptoms.

He didnt start having as much chronic pain until he really started focusing on upgrading himself and everything etc.

Hmmm....I feel like Alastor has arthritis so it was one of the things they bonded over when he were on good terms

I feel like it wasnt the root cause when he was alive but polio WAS kinda ....a thing...that was going on..

Teleports any chance he can get over walking long distances.

He wouldnt consider himself housebound but he kind of is? Not in a traditional sense, its more out of choice. He never really leaves the V tower unless he has to. Lives there, brought his work there so he didnt have to leave, literally moved his closest friends in, and then moved THEIR work in. Why would he leave he has everytbing he'd want.

Thats not even a headcanon Vox just. Did that.

I feel like he gets flare-ups pretty easily. Constantly overworking and getting generally just getting worked up over things (ALASTOR).

Probably prefers crutches and canes over a wheelchair when it comes to mobility aids. I feel he'd feel too short idk. but the idea of him in a wheelchair is very cool to me. Nerdy Evil Supervillian

Okay thats all for now thank you for letting me infodump tehe

[clockworkcheetah]

Hey! Do you have any headcanons regarding Todd's parents? I find it interesting that in some fics they are shown super super sweet while in others they're not great or at the very least indifferent

I feel that Todd fucking them over financially in his 20s would make more sense if they were - not abusive or anything - but maybe not close? Easier to lie about a debilitating disease (why not go with him to the hospital etc and therefore find out) and also less guilt when doing so

Because I feel it's super interesting that when he talks of his guilt it's only framed around the idea that draining their savings is ONLY an issue because it fucks recently diagnosed Amanda not because ... Well it fucked them over, you know? Anyway I love your fics so I'd love to hear your thoughts!

todds parents i do flipflop hcs on. ive only written them once in a fic and that case i did lean more towards theyre good parents

i do think nowadays i lean more towards they arent close to their kids- an arms length, 'buy their love' kind of deal- like the siblings had their instruments since they were kids and they couldnt have been cheap (unless they were passed down) also why i think todd lied for money so easily- he probably thought they were more well off than he realised (i dont think the brotzmans are super rich, but i think todd just assumed they had way more than they really did)

also because todd and amanda have a 10 year age gap a part of me feels like... one wasnt planned? like they couldve had todd super young and they werent really emotionally mature enough (a hc why todd is sorta distant to his parents), or amanda when they were a bit too old (not saying young or old parents are bad but i think it can be an influence to raising kids) and todd likely got saddled with looking after her (but todd didnt gain any resentment to amanda for this- hence why hes so guilty when in regards to her not his parents)

tbh it doesnt sound like todd was home much with band stuff (i think thers some dialogue in 2x01 that suggests this) which probably made it easier to lie about pararibulitis

now that i think about it did the parents care that the police got in contact with them about todd in 1x03? like todd seemed surprised they contacted them suggesting they didnt call him asking about that (kinda wonder how they felt about both their kids being on FBIs most wanted)

but yeah i dont think todds super close to his parents (not straight up zero contact, or even low contact, just not compelled to really call them all that much) as for amanda i think she feels like a burden to them

[rinja-espurr]

so ive said i wanna talk about tadc since i have a LOT of thoughts on it so here it is. tagging @ermine-57047 since they asked for that too!!

SORRY IF THAT THING DOESNT LOOK VERY....... ORGANIZED AND ALL THAT? thats literally just some of my thoughts about tadc put in textual format. aaand it may have headcanons

i was basically thinking. so. thats confirmed that you WILL go insane in the digital circus eventually if you stay there long enough and all that. but this made me start thinking "but what if you LOVE that kind of stuff like circuses and digital stuff and everything" since i do love all of it. those are some of my HUGE special interests which made me think "well then its probably gonna be possible to stay sane here if you do like that stuff-" but ive started accidentally overanalyzing it and. no i dont think you can even if youre like me and you love that type of stuff

you know how nothing feels real in there? well ive kinda overanalyzed. that. I DID saw gooseworx' answer that its possible to feel pain, but, looking at everything I saw already, I imagine that when its NOT stuff like glitching out, then its not a REAL sensation of pain but the..... phantom touch in vr kinda thing? and. imagine feeling that every time instead of a usual normal kind of touch. or like the virtual sensation of food. i imagine that it feels similar to the time I had a dream where I ate a chocolate cake. and it tasted EXACTLY how it should taste. but it didnt feel REAL in any way. imagine feeling THIS every time too (tbh doesnt sound too bad for me but i think it does fuck you up in a way)

the fact that you dont need to sleep, drink or eat may sound alright too but its also. very fucked up in a way? like. imagine going from your normal life and needing all of that and then you just suddenly..... dont need this. you CAN do this, but it wont really do anything to you and it must feel really. really fucking weird. especially the sleep part. I feel like this feeling of neverending energy (basically, having no need to sleep) can and will mess you up

and BECAUSE OF IT i dont think that its going to be really possible to sleep even if you tried. also ive had a hallucination one day WHEN I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP and it was like MY WHOLE ROOM WAS DIGITAL CIRCUS and I couldnt sleep for a whole hour because of that. i dont know what was that

and then the fact that youre pretty much always forced to be in this colorful circus place and theres adventures and everything going on even when youre in a bad mood or when youre tired or anything like that. and you dont really have any other choice but to do those things and be there

oh and not just that. you know what would feel REALLY bad in that place? overstimulation. i dont even know how youre supposed to deal with that in the digital circus

OH AND ALSO........ I FEEL LIKE THERES MUSIC PLAYING CONSTANTLY. Or at least a LOOOT of times. imagine if its the tadc main theme for most of the time

would I still like to be there though? YEAH ABSOLUTELY at least I probably wont have my toothache anymore or my diabetes and im also understimulated right now and i feel like it will give me the right amount of stimulation. it wont probably be good for me in the long run but hey

[sunnybunny2468]

some rini facts since hes the only one without one!!! (more than the others trust)

-he uses he/it, but otherwise he doesnt have labels :) just a lil avatar :)

-despite being the avatar for a literal god, he doesn't like it very much. it isn't a kris situation where he's someone who just got possessed, it's always been one, but it doesn't like being reminded of that fact. it makes him feel like he's below human.

-he's part of the reason Miley has such bad luck. it doesn't hate him, it just wishes he'd deal with disputes and his own anger differently. he partially doesn't understand how someone could do what he does to others. surely, revenge could be taken in a more...proper way?

-him and Lavender would be good friends, i think. teaching about humanity and how it feels over a picnic on a nice day (since he can make the weather perfect). also. this bias is ALSO part of the reason Miley has such shit luck. lmfao

-he sometimes goes by K, due to 'Rini' sounding childish (it literally means little bunny...) but if it doesn't feel threatened by you, call it Rini all you want :)

-adding onto the other fact, yes the bunny ears and tail are real. he hides it in his 'human' form, but when that starts breaking due to anxiety or being overwhelmed, they're the first to show and cause him to panic.

-if he was to pick something to be a specific god of, he'd either pick nature, animals, history, or archival. the first two are due to its bunny nature, and the last two are due to his love of preservation. he'd love to live in a library if it could.

-if i had to give him a voice? n from murder drones, easily. personality kinda matches too tbh...

-has he existed since the start of the universe i have? no, goodness no! matter of fact, he's still the newest...but that won't stop him from trying his best, despite it making him even more anxious than normal...

-could he pull bullshit with his powers? yeah easily. would he? no absolutely not he is a anxiety creature he cant do anything there could be something clearly beneficial and good for everyone without procrastinating doing it for 4 weeks and then second guessing himself 8 times WHILE doing it.

any other questions? send 'em to my askbox, i'm happy to answer no matter how specific! <3

[feeling-kinda-sad-ngl]

why is setting boundaries so hard

i just had a talk with my cousin about what her plans were bc lately ive been dealing with so many big feelings (when am i not tbh) and ive been getting kinda tired of not being able to say no to her

and like yeah most of it is a me problem because i could just let her know hey i cant

but i feel so bad just saying hey i cant give you a ride to the gym today (because im crying about how my brain refuses to work normally) and i cant talk about it with you so the best i got as an excuse is that I Dont Want To (!!)

and i felt so awkward thw whole time because i didnt want for it to sound like i was asking her when she was gonna grow up

but shes older than me (not that much older tho so maybe thats why im so nuch more conflicted) and yet doesnt rlly show initiative for anything and i hate that i feel frustrated because im trying to be this dependable person but shes not rlly there yet so it feels like im outting so much effort and shes not and it feels a tad unfair and idk if its okay for me to feel this way.

i need to go back to therapy i cant keep talking into a void about this. i need to talk about it and get feedback and maybe my sister can help idk i feel bad about goingg to her too, she has so much on her plate already

[thatrandomventblog]

.

having anxiety bcuse mom's giving me my phone back after school

ik i'm too far behind and am so close to getting an f/n on a couple subjcts but im just drained and struggling to care but also

ik i need to keep up, or at least do what i've been doing

the same thing over and over again, just keep it together

i can't cry when i need to and seem to want to cry at the worst times

i don't want to ask for help bcuse i've been gone for so long now why just show up only when i need help? idk i'm trying to get things back together

somethings wrong with cousin and mom wont tell me but i walked inside after walking max to hear her say "teenagers are assholes" like duh ik that and ik she was addressing her dad on the phone and kk but also something tells me its about cousin and whatever happened between them

idk what to make of life anymore and i keep telling myself it will get better but tbh i don't think improvement will be happening anytime soon and i wanna be so so strong for everyone else but it's starting to become noticeable ig sister keeps asking if i'm okay and gets mad when i say i'm fine or act "off" like what do you want me to act like??

keep going from normal talk to "professional" and like. i picked up a dictionary and it's helping me word and string sentances along and idk it's upsetting everyone else but idk how to make it stop either

siste(t) is upsetting me like she isn't bothering to like idk. i'm upset as is and she isn't helping ig. she's just idk it doesn't make sense and it might sound bad? she says she's hopeful she gets a phone before i get mine back but doesn't have an answer as to why. i've managed to be calm about everything but she just seems hellbent on pushing buttons like. she's not minding my personal space and i'm getting rather uncomfortable with the "suggestive" talk and shit just.

idk i don't want to deal with life anymore i'm so tired all the time and i either can't eat or eat too much cant sleep or sleep too much just mmmm

i dont want to burden anyone with my faults and flaws

and ofc sister apparently wants me to get with someone like. can she not stop? no. she cannot. she keeps talking about me having children in her dreams and ik its just dreams but i'm not parent material ik that much and i've never wanted to have kids but also babies are adorable?? like ik i dont want it. but im allowed to say that babies are adorable and i'd be fine with babysitting but never having one as my own like?? idk i dont make sense.

i cant tell if i'm spiralling downwards but this feels like a repeat of 13. functioning based off what ik emotion to feel and reacting how i see necessary/based on context clues and what i "should" feel while i'm either numb or upset. idk tbh just. want it to stop. my head doesnt feel right either. cloudy and like someone pulled the curtains over my windows and now i cant do anything

idk anyways rant of the day!

[anakinskywalkerog]

omg no way tumblr never bothered to tell me you replied. plus why is nothing showing up in my following feed??? a bone to pick for next time ig

ahaha i missed this too you're so good with advice! ❤ and thank you hehe i have been informed the new pfp it a character calld lust from an anime called fullmetal alchemist, but i just like the aesthetic

it really is and thank youuuuu! im sure it will! *sends ✨good luck✨*

hmm i dont wanna obsess over han at all, because first of all, ELI! that would be unfair. and han is sort of crazy, anyways. i am listening to i can see you from speak now tv but i shouldnt because it reminds me of han. it also reminds me of anakin. very anakincore track. i cant help it though, i can see you is so good, although it gives more of a reputation vibe than speak now tbh. still love it anyways and thank mother taylor for it. are you enjoying speak now tv? what's your favourite track? i think im enjoying mine, mean and back to december, but everything is ofc v nice! wish we had a mine pop mix tv and some more beat to enchanted, but its perfect as it is!

yess "there will be plenty more guys 😂 trust me." that's exactly what i thought, too! like, he's here now, but someday there's going to be someone else EXACTLY like that. although it might not be so bad if i did make a decision influenced by him because he and i have a similar objective - physics/engineering degree at oxford/cambridge so its a win-win no matter which way i go ig. plus we're academic rivals. competition is the norm for us. but about intrigue with han...

"oh? whos your friend? (i asked han to pose for one of my snaps hehe) is this friend good-looking?"

... dude? like, WHAT? that sounds like pretty blatant flirting to me.

but lets not forget that once we were in the corridor and bro leaned in super close (keep in mind this was months ago and this was in the middle of like 15 other people anyways) and i leaned away out of reflex 😂 i think he looked at me later with a very patronizingly disappointed

kinda expression. i think that was a test, and i failed miserably but thats fine 💀

eli really is we even have loads of similar interests!

yw and sameee! it is hehe she even send me memes and is a pedro pascal stan (as she should. pedro pascal is an icon. love him) ! very happy with that

oh no, is everything okay? can i do anything to help? if it helps, my life is only peaceful because i am in isolation from all friends, hehe i need time to regenerate. i am an ambivert at heart. my extrovert meter needs to recharge lmaooo

also, a part of me wonders if cranberry is mad at me? basically, he aksed me to write a steamy story abt him and han (thyre best friends) and didnt want his gf to find out incase she thought he was weird (bro she already does. shes ur gf. she knows what weird she signed up for smh)

anyways i made a small oopsie. i asked some people to critique it for me, and one of those poeple may have been the girl from my diary, whos friends with cranberry's gf, and who previously told machete i liked him when i wanted it to be a scret and explicitly told her so, and the one who i knew cannot be trusted with secrets because she will tell someone and lie about it 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

anyways cranberry was annoyed (and understandably so.) he said his gf was mad at him (impossible - if she was, shed be mad at ME first cos thats how women are. better than revenge is living proof. but she isnt! ) and i get it, but then people stop being mad, right? i mean, ive been really mad at him too, for a variety of reasons. i forgave him though and he didnt even apologize like i did! but he seemed normal at prom perhaps a bit icy? a guy friend told me im overthinkinngit and while he may have been annoyed it doesnt mean hd stop being friends with me or anything, and that he definitely wouldnt stay mad because its not a big deal.

but i texted him cranberry with a pretty obvious joke and he didnt even find it funny??? like thats HIS sort of joke??? how does he ot find that funny??? my friend says he must be mad then, but says theres the chance he just didnt find it funny?

like, i get it, but i want to make amends! and i wont even see cranberry in person so i can never tell. but if he was mad, he wouldve blocked me, or left me on delivered, or just opened. but he even sees my stories n stuff!

plus his friends would be mad if something happened. like guys are super gangy like that. but his friends are not mad at all, like han and this other guy are totally normal and no one sad that. even when han brought it up the day after the whole thing, he didnt imply it was serious and just dropped it after joking around abt it.

my friend did say if i was friends with cranberrys friends, it doesnt mean they have to be mad, but what if cranberry and his gf broke up over something as stupid as a joke???? and it was my fault??? i would feel awful and i cant even tell or say sorry.

nor can i ask han over text cos then hed tell cranberry and itd be weird. and i cant ask eli cos i dont want to set a bad rep.

he texted about it and i delved into a tiny argument he said its fine but "just think more next time". i think he and han both know i didnt mean for this to happen and that it was a genuine accident, but people gte hurt over things even if they know it wasnt meant to hurt them. shoulve said no is proof of this.

but they did send me a video of them reading the story together [cranberry and his friends, it was han who filmed (i did ask them to film their reaction)] and cranberry was cracking up as he read it! if he was mad he wouldve abandoned it. but they sill seemed to love it. surely if cranberry was mad at me, then that wouldnt have happened?

jesus christ, thats LONG. i apologize for troubling you, i didnt think itd get this long! its just been on my mind :( ironically it happened yesterday just after i was so happy. ugh. boys are awful

yes haha thank youuu :) if you're okay with my constant somewhat accidental drama dumps, i definitely will :D

love you and stay safe x

hi sythe so sorry it took me so long to respond to this!

I hope all is well with Eli. but GIRL have I been listening to “I Can See You” sooooo much it’s literally the delulu girl anthem! I love it. having a little crush on Han just adds some spice!! there’s nothing wrong with a little seasoning to an otherwise boring existence 😂

I am okay 🩵 just really been struggling with my OCD lately. I hope it gets better soon.

no fuckinf WAY cranberry asked you to write a steamy story!!? girl that is NOT platonic. what are these men doing out here 😂😂😂😂 but I agree, very unlikely that he is mad at you

I love the drama dumps, I wish we could vent together for real because I have been ALL over the place with my drama lately 😅 but it’s fine, it adds the comedy. i’m watching my own life like a work of absurdism. I would absolutely recommend that strategy.

[gwaaaaar]

So, remember that long ass post i made abt noah thy creature characterization bc i was ill. Here to back up on my claims btw. Spoilers below, this is info i gathered from regis altares stream as i cannot play the game </3

I... i kind of miss early access thy creature. The story and the flow was just, so much more natural and endearing and calm. Like you had time to savor the residents and get to know them. There wasn't a rush. This isn't to say the new version is bad, I just enjoyed the early access much more. Specifically the introduction. The way Noah is introduced first makes him feel more personal to the creature. In the final version you meet Noah, El and Justine all together. And oh my god El.

Where do I begin. He is not a bad character, on the contrary I think hes ok. But it feels as if he took Noahs more positive traits like the kindness and selflessness. And he feels ever so slightly shoehorned in, BUT he does have an important role. Afaik he is the nepe of madness, mazm spoiled that in like previous material and shit like im assuming its supposed to be a surprise but its so obvious theyre related. But to a newcomer it would be a surprise so i wont riff on mazm too much.

So yeah we meet El in the beginning as opposed to later on. This is important because madness is the third floor boss, if they wanted the twist with El to hit, the player would have to know him since the beginning. Since early access didnt have El then, they'd have to change up the approach.

Tbh how I'd write the new version would be keeping the EA plot, BUT, introduce El in the beginning with Noah, and also develop their interpersonal relationship because it seems Noah does trust El. It would be good to develop a reason why he trusts El and also El can convince him to help the creature. It would hopefully keep the same effect as the final version where you still get to meet El in the beginning.

While we are at change, Noah feels ever so slightly flanderized from early access, its hilarious. HE LITERALLY MAKES CASH REGISTER NOISES THATS HIS SFX!!!! Its so funny it makes me laugh, mori calliopes mickey voice for him is priceless. BUT, in a story sense, flanderization is kinda, not good. Its not good to reduce characters to a singular trait as that is how they become one dimensional.

However, I am making these assumptions based on the 3 hours of gameplay i have seen, and I am not saying this is Noah in entirety. For all i know he may get development and grow as a character. I applaud mazm for their characters as that is what they mainly focus on when it comes to writing. They want memorable characters, I just dont think flanderization is the way to go.

Noah in the new version is a man that lives by the sigma grindset. He cracks a lot more mortician jokes which is rlly funny that can stay. There is also a flyer for a "evans funeral service" which gives a two in one coffin deal, sounds familiar doesnt it? If Noah's last name is "Evans" then thats a pretty clever way of revealing that. But hes far more transactional and light hearted compared to previous Noah who could be an absolute edgelord if he wanted to.

EA Noahs lines about beggars asking for free services and his more dry sarcasm conveyed a more adult vibe to him. Hes like 33 hes seen some shit. Thats not old but more like enough time for him to be thoroughly unamused by the world. His tired lines reveal just how little faith he has in anyone but himself and certain people. But then you get his memories, you see that sweeter side to him, and he gets more lighthearted and a friend to the creature. He makes jokes with the creature, he teaches it about life and new words, all sorta fun stuff.

Hes still using it, hes 100 transparent about it and he apologizes for lying to the creature about going up the tower. However, the friendship it builds with the creature feels more personal, more earned. He helped the creature not because of someone elses interference (El in the new version), but out of his own will, even if there was financial intent behind it. He was the one that tried breaking down the door and failed. He had far more of an independent role and felt like a character, not azul ashengrotto 2.0. I have joked abt Noah being an MLM salesman but I did not expect this.

When Noah got his memories back in EA, he had a strong reaction to them, and you got to learn just a bit more about him, adding depth to his character. In the new version it doesn't really feel like you're getting anything new from it. Sure the meat is in the memories, but I think the character's reactions to those memories also matters a lot. It shows how they've changed as a person, and its a subtle way of self reflection.

I feel as if because we don't know about new Noah that much yet, he does fall a bit flat. I hope that his arc does not end here! And I am sure it wont! I'm sure his story will continue even beyond floor one. Mazm is amazing at characters when it wants to be, and for a game like thy creature, i think it does want to be outstanding.

[dandelion-system]

Congratulations to my mum for discovering olfactory hallucinations!

I’ve never had them myself, mine are visual and auditory (when I get them) so I don’t know how distressing it is to the average person. I know that my mum has severe sensory issues regarding smells so obviously it’s going to upset her, and considering it’s cat wee it’s going to reinforce her ocd.

Which, okay, not a big deal. She’s struggling mentally atm and I won’t get on her case for it. But she made me change a clean cat litter to get rid of the smell. I ‘forgot’ that she also wanted me to wipe down all the furniture in the room too.

I got ocd when I was 9, diagnosed at 10. My mum had no experience with treating it and just cleaned things for me, because my logic was sound. ‘Outside things have been in it so now it’s dirty’ ‘dogs are dirty’ ‘other people are dirty’ and ‘bad things will happen because of it’. Same thoughts she has all the time, so she just cleans things.

Difference is, I was 10 and autistic and only had a role model with ocd to guide me on my journey of which mental illness I would inevitably develop. Today, she’s a grown ass woman, now with 9 years of clinical knowledge and firsthand experience and she’s trying to place me in a caretaker position.

SO NO MUM IM NOT GOING TO WIPE DOWN THE FURNITURE BECAUSE YOU HAD A HALLUCINATION, AND THAT DOESNT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON. ACTUALLY, IM BEING A LOT KINDER SEEING AS IM NOT SHOUTING AT YOU FOR BEING RIDICULOUS OR GUILTING YOU FOR HAVUNG SYMPTOMS. IM TRYING TO LISTEN AND CALM YOU DOWN. ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU GOT AN ASS FOR A BRAIN AND CANT BE A REGULAR HUMAN BEING.

I would be kinder about all of this if she acknowledged any of it. But, in her eyes, she’s perfect and I’m the one with a a problem. So until she gets help? I will damn rant about her as much as I please (not very much tbh I feel bad posting this at all)

[hesnotavillain]

is there still anyone here?

it's trully been ages and tbh i almost didn't remembered the right email or password. i was creating an account on substack, since apparently that's a thing now (or has been forever and i'm only now finding about bc people are sharing theirs on my timeline) bc i was feeling like writing to no one really, just to put some feelings into words and then i remembered this "place" exists.

so funny (and cringe, obviously) getting to see how i spent years and years and lived through so much mental illness and so many fictional obsessions. this is like a museum of a lifetime, im not kidding.

writing this is also making me see how fucking bad my english actually is nowadays (if it was ever better)

let's see. im 23. got in college last year. quit my antidepressants the year before - which was also the year the guy i was seeing (because surprise surprise, you're bi!) and didn't have much expectations on became my boyfriend and potential future husband. i love him very much and we laugh a lot together. ngl i do miss women sometimes tho. just that specific sapphic atmosphere you know? dont really see myself away from it for the rest of my life. i mean, that just sounds like a very long time.

oh! i started the gym very recently. cant say that it changed my life yet, but honestly im hoping on that. it doesnt really have to change my life, but if it gets me some dopamine to go through my days with a nice ass as a bonus, i'll be happy. eating is not really the problem, cooking is. im too fucking lazy and this is actually the biggest fucking rock on my shoes. is that even a saying outside brazil? anyway.

i want to say i miss being a teenager, like maybe being 16-19 but man how can i say this when i was so fucking miserable mentally for way before that. im way better now, but sometimes i miss it and i know that really the only thing i miss is not having a real thought about anything that concerns real life because i was too drowned on gay content and too engaged with my internet friends. lmao. that sure was the life huh.

i dont think this writing exercise is working, but i also dont know what there is to 'work' really. i feel like there's a zillion subjects travelling aroung my mind all the time and i wanna deal with each but never know where to start so i guess that explains the messines.

im kinda excited to turn 30 (in a I'm Totally Romanticizing Turning 30 From Now On Because I Believe I'll Be At My Finest Era slightly delusional way). (if global warming even let us get there without massively destructing my mediocre reality). im also scared of the day i'll lose my loved ones. i feel like for the first time in my life im starting to understand that there's just so much life to live. so much life. how can every single possible thing, even the good ones, result on anxiety tho.

im already tired of this (writing) and dont know how to finish but for now i guess the substancial thing i can't forget is that i made it to right here and i'm the one who can get me to right there. so. just keep rolling my dudes.

[knucklegagging]

I know this is mostly an anorexia tumblr account but tbh I havent been really struggling w my anorexia lately. Found old emaciated pictures and I think thats a lot of the reason why. Side by side my highest weight and lowest weight one looks weak and the other looks sexy. And Like... I wanna live. If i can. Especially now. And maybe a lot of this is that I was dealing shit no one is ever supposed to talk about but I have never been fat. I have been big busted hourglass booty girl slimthicc milkshake walking cunstain looking barbie body. And I have been emaciated. Thats so weird to really notice for the first time in my twenties. And it's not like I've been actively wanting to die or anything intense like that, but I didnt know life could feel good. And lately it really does. And my set range right now is 111 to 116. Which is healthy, as is my bfp. So i get that this is an anorexia tumblr account primarily... But maybe it doesnt always have to be? Idk tonight just feels really good. The girl I like seems to like me. And by that i mean shes made it clear she does in more ways than one. And frankly ive been a migraine and she still around. Its been a lot to adjust to. I have not been an easy person for her to be around. At least, i know I would be tired of my anxiety bullshit by now. She has so much patience and kindess and goodness in her soul. I feel like I have known her before, almost like memories from a dream that you woke up from too quickly. The taste of thoughts percolate my mouth with painful dripping sighs that crave to know her better, like filling in the blanks. Theres something so different, so unmistakable about the way that she is.

I dont know how to comfort myself at times because I cannot be running away in the opposite directiom but sticking my heels into blue on the treadmill next to her is terrifying. I get these scared moments thinking that I am going to ruin everything in one fell swoop w one stupid comment or being too hyper, talking too much, saying shit she wouldnt care about, moving too fast, not moving fast enough, not being whatever it is she expects of me. ...but yet she just roll w the punches. I dont want her to know how inexperienced i am w relationships. I dont want her to know anything bad thats happened to me and have it sour the interest that she has in me. I'm like paranoid that somehow she would find this blog and see my thoughts spelled out even though ik she won't. That wouldnt happen. But out of nowhere sometimes I just get scared like she will wake up one morning and decide I am not good enough. That I am too autistic or I have too much of a past behind me. That I have already been defiled and that makes me too much drama. I cant say that sentence out loud. I can't say many if any things out loud. I am always writing them down for her.

I am terrified about how to play my sleeves. At some point she will probably see my arms or thighs if we continue to spend time w each other. How the fuck is that all supposed to play out? Do i pretend its nothing and just rip the bandaid off? Wear a tank top when i see her next? That sounds dumb. There is no way to gradually unveil my body in ways that are not jarring when you have as many scars as I do. I like myself fine I just sometimes notice how much i do not know and that can psyche me out. But today has been good. Tonight has been happy. I am very much okay today. I just wish time would move faster slowly, so that i can know how we end up so that i can have a road map. I want thw answers for how to behave so that i dont cause any problems for her. If i could read her mind, if i could see the future, if i could know now what i will know then about whether i am going to make her life difficult... I am so scared. I am so happy. But I am also so scared.

Whats gonna happen when I am really visible and she can really see me? I've done so well at being invisible. With her I dont want to be. But it is all unknown and I'm a big ol scaredycat

[magnoliamyrrh]

How do you deal with self-harm urges?

(tw talk of different things ive used to self harm)

i still struggle with it a lot of times still, with the urges that is, and every once in awhile i do relapse (sometimes less sometimes really bad), but thankfully ive been able to go months on end without doing it, or i think sometimes like a year and a half or maybe more? i started cutting when i was 12, so frankly im a bit impressed w myself for the times ive been able to stop after so many years. ive found thankfully that the longer you go without, the more the urges to keep doing it go down

and uhhh idk. several things i guess?

sometimes (often if its rly bad) ill scratch myself w my nails (not drawing blood just irritating the skin and it kinda hurts) and sometimes that makes it go away, its enough pain to calm me down without permanent damage. i know ppl say to use icecubes and ive tried a couple of times but it really doesn't work for me - glad it does for others. uhm ill try to go take really hot showers until i calm down, that tends to work. sometimes ill try to just,,,,, this may sound stupid but if something in particular triggers me and i feel the urge, i try to remain either physically paralized or try to distract myself w anything until it passes; harder said than done. listening to loud music in headphones also kinda helps w that sometimes. every once in awhile ill try to do something like tear apart paper or some other thing and sometimes that does something?

and tbh this isnt good but smoking cigarettes makes me do it a bit less. but like Do Not Do This, i actually consider cigarettes to be a MUCH Much worse form of self harm than a lot of cutting. because end of the day if youre careful, cutting leaves you with scars only. cigs can absolutely wreck your health long term and its a horrible addiction. just because its more socially acceptable than cutting doesnt mean its not more dangerous; ive actually had plenty of psychs and therapists agree w me on this one

hmm. ill try to go for a walk, if i can, until the worse of the urge passes. or alternatively i will go and drive around aimlessly listening to music until they pass. sometimes if the urge isnt super super strong, i also find that it helps to draw - ive been using vent art as a way to cope for years, and sometimes drawing cuts or scars on a representation of myself gets that urge a little bit out of me

....... i feel like doing psychadelics really helped me do this less and quit many times - they make you not really wanna hurt yourself and love yourself and take care of yourself better, while also dealing w the underlining issues and mechanisms which lead to the urge in the first place

....i try to keep in mind that it doesnt truly help. its not worth it. maybe it gives some temporary satisfaction or release, but it doesnt Really help. its a vicious cycle you enter in many times, when you start disliking yourself even more for cutting and feel even worse, and then you cut yourself again over that...... i try my best to keep in mind that punishing myself like that doesnt help anything and that i dont deserve it, and i try to keep in mind that taking out my emotional pain or frustration like that on myself doesnt really help either.... long term, it will just make it worse - and is that really what i want?

its good to learn too, how to not put yourself down for cutting once you do it or relapse, bc that just leads to spiraling. it happened, its okay, it is what it is, no need to feel bad over it or start throwing insults at yourself over it...... its hard, but it helps to try to be gentle with yourself

...something else that helps me do it less too at times is that lol, i have chronic pain. i am already in pain all the time - do i really want to add more on top of that? havent i had enough of the pain?........sometimes when ive relapsed its been a way to cope with the pain actually, to have control over when and how i feel pain and to feel a different kind of pain but.... tbh, after doing that enough times i just got fed up with it. pain is pain, and most days of my life i have plenty of it to deal with anyway..... also figured out that if i cut too much, it sets my nervous system on fire and it makes my chronic pain worse, so that's also a reason to not do it

.... i also try to not keep things i can cut with in the house - meaning that if i Really want to, ill have to drive to the store to buy blades, which i think is a good way to give yourself some time to maybe calm down or snap out of it or change your mind. Theres times when the urge is so strong and i just say fuck it and go buy them, but it takes more time and commitment to do that. This helped me bc theres been many times when i would have very likely cut if i had access to them, but bc i didnt and i didnt wanna do it bad enough to warrant a drive, i ended up not doing it....... this also works bc i dont personally cut with knives (even with the sharpest knives ive never been able to do it consistently and properly enough to feel satisfying, and i think my weak muscles and joints make it harder for me in particular, so i cant rly use them), meaning i have to rely on either pencil sharpener blades, or actual razor blades...... sometimes i think its better to buy pencil sharpeners bc, again, they make it harder (you have to take the time to take the pencil sharpener apart and take the blade out, and these blades go dull a lot quicker than razor blades - so the first one gives you more time to think it through and maybe stop and not do it, while the other one means you wont be able to do as much damage for as long of a time bc it will become harder and harder to cut)......... i also used to, when i was younger, cut with shaving razors (like the ones for legs) but this is something i grew out of because i really dont like the stinging and way it cuts the skin,,, so; yea, i think not keeping a supply of cutting things in the house helps a lot of times

..... sometimes its the dissociation that helps me, but thats not really something everyones brain does. but you can try to think of yourself as, lets say, your friend - if your friend felt like how you feel in that moment and wanted to cut, would you want them to? what would you tell them, how would you comfort them, and what would you suggest they do instead?

idk if any of this was helpful at all, sorry, but yea;; i think a combination of all of those things have helped me to quit many times, and... it really does get easier to not do it and to not think abt it as often the longer you go without doing it. also, sometimes it does help to call a hotline! not always, but ive done it a handful of times (mainly for combination of suicide + sh urges), and there were indeed times when i came across v caring and understanding ppl which helped talk me down - so this may be an option to think abt. id also say if you can, calling a friend can be helpful, its something ive done too

and pls, if youre gonna keep cutting dont put yourself down over it, but be careful 🌸 always clean whatever youre using to do it before and afterwards with either soap or alcohol, always check if theres rust on it and never use something that has rust or metal of a weird colour, and after you wash them, make sure they are dry and store them in a place which is dry. or better - throw them out. always clean your wounds afterwards with warm water, and when youre able to handle it later with soap and water so they dont get infected. and its best to cover up deeper cuts so they can heal better with bandaids or medical gauze. and please please dont cut in areas where there are a lot of important and sensitive veins and tendos (like the inner wrist) - even if youre being careful, you dont want to take the risk of damaging something important like that. and please, if it ever gets rly out of hand and its not closing up, its too deep, or it gets infected, go to a doctor or a medical facility near you

.... and.. try to be gentle with yourself 💗 its really hard but its important. and if youre trying to quit, ask why it is you cut in the first place (bc pain calms you down, control, masochism, a way to get out overwhelming emotions, comfort, a cry for help or attention, self punishment etc etc), and try to find a way to work on whats driving the cutting in the first place, or to find a less harmful way to achieve a similar goal - i think thats something that helped me long term

take care of yourself and be careful 🌺 and if its something u struggle w youself, know that it is possible to stop and that it does get easier

[orcelito]

Ok but I'm lowkey nervous about the manager meeting Monday lol bc the boss is gonna be piiiiiissed. & yea I'm not scheduled tomorrow like the assistant manager who's not going to go to her shift so he can't be mad at Specifically me, but I also encouraged it lol and just. 😬

It's definitely going to be an unconventional meeting if it's held lol

[yourturntosimp]

Keiji Shinogi Alphabet request: F, H, M, U, V.

A/N: i spent far too long on the tws for this one-- not bc of the amount (there arent many), but js bc i couldnt think of how to briefly surmise the content into the warnings,, the formatting is beating my ass rn bc it doesnt wanna work CMON TUMBLR TWs: implied murder, abandonment-ish?, general delusion, verbal degradation, emotional abuse, general toxicity bc this is a yandere blog–

Fight (How would they feel if their darling fought back?): you’d think he’d just be annoyed, but tbh I think he’d be more amused than anything else??? It’s so cute that you’re stupid enough to think that you could actually fight him, but you know it won’t work, right? If it goes on for too long, that’s when it might start to irk him, so if you could just make your little outburst quick that would make everyone’s lives easier, thanks <3

Hell (What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?): I think it would be if his darling were to ever just blow up at him, screaming at him to leave them alone, etc. So, he’ll concede. He’ll agree– rather, threaten– to leave you alone. That sounds ideal, right? You don’t have to deal with this crazy possessive guy any more, he’s leaving you alone. Until you come to realize that him leaving you alone is more than literal– easily disposing of everyone you had ever grown close to. Parents? Not a problem. Children? No moral obligations here, he doesn’t care! You’re all alone, just like he promised– and since he’s the only one you have left to crawl back to, for a place to live and supplies to live off of, he’ll gladly hold those over your head too. Didn’t you want him to leave you alone? What’s up with that? It’s fine though, he knows just how dependent you are on him, so he’d be glad to support you! Just know that the little outburst you had, yelling at him? You won’t ever do that again, because now you’ve learned that he’ll do exactly what you ask of him, right?

Mask (Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else): Honestly? No, not really. Around other people, he’s charismatic, a bit snarky, and very calculative– but it’s not really any different with you. The only change is a more violent temper if you can’t seem to behave as a rational human being, but if you can just act as he wants you to, everything’s fine! At the end of the day, he still loves you, but he just needs you to learn to listen to him, and nobody will get hurt

Unique (Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?): Surprisingly, I feel like he’d have a bit more patience than the classic yandere– he’d be more than willing to wait until you’re at your lowest point to introduce himself and make you indebted to him, and he’d be willing to put up with what he’d only call “domestic disputes” between the two of you– but I feel like he would also have a heavier hand than the typical yandere, with harsher reprimands and penalties for doing or saying “nonsensical” things. Vice (What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?): Once he “trusts” you, he never fully trusts you, and he feels highkey bad about it. Complain about it 4 or 5 times, and he may just leave an opening for you to leave! Don’t think it’ll be easy though– the first few are accidental, but after that he’ll knowingly leave something unsecured, leaving it up to you to find it. If you never find it, then ig you never find it, and that’s on you!