#and I have chronic pain so this isn’t gonna end well for me

[foxgloveinspace]

Do I have to be a person? Can’t I just sit down and listen to sleep token all day??

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 424: Detroit Tears

Previously on BnHA: You know what, fandom is way too heated about this still so we’re just going to leave that be that for now and not get involved. I have some conflicted feelings about it, but this is not the place or time. This is a happy post.

Today on BnHA: Oh right, Horikoshi still owns the rights to my soul. And I’ve just been reminded of why I willingly signed them over to him so freely.

Quick heads up that this isn’t going to be my usual style of chapter reaction post, in that it’s really just going to be a ton of rambling about That One Scene. Partly because I’m only halfway caught up with stuff, but mostly because tbh, this is the only thing that matters to me right at this moment.

Also this is your friendly neighborhood spoiler warning that I’m posting about a chapter which hasn’t officially been released yet! So proceed at your own discretion. This reaction is based on @pikahlua’s excellent spoiler translation writeup here. I’ve officially lost all of my fucks about spoilers and it’s extremely liberating.

I’m glad that Kacchan’s arm isn’t just magically better and that he’s never going to be 100% again. and also that the doctor mentions him needing to rest his heart as well. because I did feel like there needed to be at least a few lasting consequences from him LITERALLY DYING AND UNDERGOING OPEN-HEART SURGERY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATTLEFIELD. but I’m also glad they established that it wasn’t career-ending or anything. he’ll probably have some chronic pain and occasionally aggravate his old injuries while fighting, all of which is great for angst purposes. but it was good to see him being calmly accepting of that while also being determined to put the work in to rehab it as much as possible.

also enjoyed the doctor summing up Kacchan’s highly improbable main character resurrection and subsequent antics as basically being some wild bullshit that nobody can explain. lampshaded the shit out of it. “I don’t really understand” lol. nobody understands. in truth it’s that his secondary quirk is bending reality to his will in order to kick ass.

moving on to the main event now! so Kacchan and Izuku’s reunion was obviously the highlight of this chapter and of my life, probably. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend like it wasn’t. y’all know how it is.

what really made this scene for me was Kacchan being more upset at Izuku’s loss than Izuku himself. all those callbacks and all that guilt. that careful selection of flashback panels. the fact that Kacchan’s past bullying of the quirkless Izuku wasn’t glossed over or forgotten, and in fact is the emotional core that fuels Kacchan’s reaction here. Horikoshi didn't have to cut that deep, but he knows what he's about.

and then the crying. I need to write a lot of words about this right the fuck now. first off, having Kacchan just flat out sob while Izuku for once is the calm one (at least until All Might goes in for the emotional kill later on), is such a beautiful reversal and really shows how far they’ve come. even better is that none of it was even remotely out of character. I’m always appreciative when an author can produce top tier emotional hurt/comfort like this and have it feel earned and authentic rather than forced. well done.

also, “Na--cchan!!” fuck yeah Izuku. we’ll never let him live this down. (but also, him later trying to reconcile his forever-tough image of Kacchan with the crying, hiccupping version standing in front of him, by blaming it on Kacchan’s weakened physical state... oh, Izuku.)

also the fact that Kacchan so easily reverts to this smol crying boy even after defeating the world’s greatest evil pretty much activated every protective instinct that I have. he’s seventeen. he’s practically a man now. he’s objectively one of the strongest and toughest people in the entire world. and yet his eyes still go so wide and his face is still so young and Horikoshi still draws him so tiny and vulnerable whenever he’s like this. goddamn gets me EVERY single time. let’s be real, it’s been this way ever since the “you looked like you needed saving” scene back in the literal first chapter. just, omg. he’s still just a kid and he’s too small to contain all these feelings SOMEONE HELP HIM.

anyway so NEEDLESS TO SAY, Kacchan full on mourning in between sobs because he wanted to keep being rivals with Izuku cut me to my core. I cried too, goddammit. because in Katsuki’s mind it’s like. he wasted a dozen years of potential friendship by being a giant asshole. and they were only able to start getting things back on track less than a year ago. and that was probably the best year of both of their lives. and that rivalry meant so much to both of them. pursuing their dreams together as equals. and he wanted it to continue!! he missed out on so much, and it was his own damn fault, and now it’s all being taken away again maybe!!

and I think it’s especially devastating to Katsuki because he was trying so hard to make up for how he treated Izuku, and then this comes along and now he’s worried it was all for nothing. he’s scared that Izuku will maybe have to quit being a hero. (we know that won’t happen, obviously, but Katsuki is living this and not just reading it. he’s never met narrator!Deku and doesn’t have the benefit of all that foreshadowing and stuff.) but even more than that, I think he’s scared that it will undo all of their progress toward mending their relationship. not because Katsuki thinks any less of Izuku now, quirk or no quirk; but because of how Izuku might feel about being quirkless again, and because of the memories it might bring flooding back to the surface. I don’t think Katsuki fully believes that Izuku has forgiven him. so that’s a major fear potentially rearing its ugly head once more now.

and of course, he’s also just sad and upset on Izuku’s behalf, because he knows Izuku is sad about it too, even if he’ll never show it and will just downplay it because of his selfless nature. it’s a major loss, and one deserving of tears being shed, even if Izuku won’t shed any of his.

so yeah. it’s a lot. in Katsuki’s mind it’s the potential loss of a partner (if Izuku quits heroics), and a friend (if Izuku does cool toward Katsuki as a result of being quirkless again), and a dream (of them reaching the highest heights together), and his friend’s dream. so it makes perfect sense that all of that would overwhelm him. all of this is stuff that’s broken him down on past occasions as well.

so anyway it’s going be very cathartic when all those fears prove to be unfounded (because they better be unfounded lol). but in the meantime it’s a very moving reminder of how much he really does care and how far the both of them have come.

also Horikoshi really couldn’t resist giving Nobu one last chance to destroy everyone when this scene rolls up in the anime. that’s so reckless of him. there will be no survivors.

All Might telling both of them they’d become the greatest heroes was also the perfect chef’s kiss moment on top of everything else. we already knew it, of course. but it was good to hear him say it. and they needed him to say it. they needed and deserved to hear it.

and I really love that the qualities he specifically praised them for were the same things that each of them had struggled with the most in their respective journeys. he tells Izuku, who had such a difficult time learning how to tell the world “I am here!!”, that he inspires everyone and has become everyone’s hero. and he reminds Katsuki, who struggled with learning how to save people, and has especially struggled with his guilt over what happened to All Might at Kamino, that he saved All Might’s life and is the reason he’s able to still be there with them. both of them just really needed to hear that acknowledgement and encouragement, and it was such a powerful passing of the torch moment. All Might gets so much shit from the fandom, but he really is a phenomenal mentor when he’s in the zone, and I’ll die on that hill.

also a nice touch keeping the focus of those panels on the two boys and their reactions. even though I would have liked to see All Might’s face when he thanked them at the end, it definitely felt deliberate. this is their moment. their soft little tearful smiles afterwards punted my heart off a cliff and then picked it up and held it gently.

lastly, let it be known that I’m still convinced Katsuki has OFA (All Might vestige explanation when??), and it’s not lost on me that that would be a mighty convenient way for Izuku to potentially still go on a-quirkin’ in the end, if that’s how Horikoshi wants to play it. I'm just saying.

also before I forget, just a quick shoutout to Horikoshi for FINALLY showing all three members of the Bakufam in a scene together in which they finally managed to not be completely dysfunctional lol. my deepest darkest BnHA secret is that Mitsuki is secretly super high up on my list of favorite characters. and she was great in this chapter, and I love how she was just “WHAT THE FUCK” aghast at Katsuki using his main character powers to continuously ignore his injuries. and then she and Masaru kind of silently agreeing to step outside the room and let the boys and All Might have their moment. while still secretly listening in. because you know they were. good for them.

lastly for reals, I just want you all to remember that as great as this chapter was, the one thing that it was STILL missing which we have STILL not gotten is a HUG. we demand HUGS. I’m not leaving this manga till I get a bkdk hug goddammit. I will stay here all night if I have to.

[noctivagant-corvid]

love me, normally !

(( THE COURT SANCTIONED GHOSTKNIFE FIC! full fic below cut))

in william’s defence, he didn’t mean to confess. it just kinda… happened.

it all started with- well, technically, it all started with a tick hiding in the grassy cliffs back in deadwood who decided it hated him in particular. two months later, he was hobbling through the world with a lyme’s disease diagnosis. oh, joy. 

this isn’t about his chronic illness though. it’s about his disaster confession.

william’s family originally had him stay with tide via the WATCH Gives Back program (a funding program that gave disabled kids access to schools that could help them for free), which put him in a school that worked with lyme’s. when in school, there were ramps and elevators and his cane could take the weight he needed most days. but once he left school, he was on his own for all that, aside from the cane.

today, his body decided to Not. he was slowly, painstakingly, attempting to walk home while his knees begged him to lay down on the ground and let nature run it’s course.

vyncent sol, with his well timed perception, noticed him wincing with every step, and offered to carry him home. great! amazing! no pain! gay disaster! Haha!

listen. you try being bridal carried by the guy you’ve had a Big Gay Crush on for a little over a year and not saying something stupid.

“i’m in love with you.” he blurts out, and vyncent stops walking. 

william is going to die here. he is going to explode right here in vyncent’s arms half way to his house and it’s going to be so pathetic and unbelievably unattractive.

“what?” vyncent says, head cocked to the side like a dog. william wants to fall through the floor right now. he thinks he should be allowed to just fall into the ground and then curl up and die. as a treat.

“nothing haha don’t even worry about it man its nothing i was just fucking with you ha uh i’m gonna go now-” his words rush out without enough pauses to be understandable, and he’s trying to wriggle out of vyncent’s arms but he’s not letting go, and william is going to spontaneously combust and they’ll have to scrape him off the sidewalk for a funeral. tide’s going to be devastated. dakota will probably laugh. 

“no, you said you were in love with me. what does that mean?” vyncent asks. because william has the worst luck ever and the guy he’s in love with is from a different fucking planet. (and has elf ears. and a tail. ashe has been calling him a monsterfucker since she found out william liked him. he’s been pointedly ignoring it.)

“i, uh, can we not talk about this here?” he says, gesturing to the open street. he’d rather not explain the concept of romance to vyncent in the middle of the sidewalk. he’s also pretty sure he’s red as the devil, and if he doesn’t get into air conditioning soon he’ll burn slap up.

vyncent nods, still looking confused. “we can go to mine?”

william nods. the off-world program vyncent had come here with set him up with a pretty nice apartment, and they usually went there after school if they were gonna hang out. it was where the two of them held their movie nights, which usually ended with either a long winded debate that had them up till the sun peaked out, or both of them conked out before the credits rolled.

a few awkward minutes of silent walking later, vyncent carries him inside while the doorman stares like they’d just told him his momma had grown a third eye and was dining with the fae. vyncent shifts william over to one arm to unlock the door, and this does nothing to william, no siree, not at all, no way. he’s placed down unceremoniously on the beat up brown couch that had come with the place, and vyncent positions himself on the other side, sitting criss cross applesauce.

“explain.” he says, tail flicking behind him absentmindedly. william brings his knees to his chest- ow- and tries to make his words work.

“uh, well, it’s like-” he stumbles for a good way to describe it. “your parents, back on Fauna, were they like, married or whatever the equivalent was?” vyncent nods. 

“right, so they were like, in love then, and stuff. NOT THAT I WANT TO GET MARRIED! it’s just like, the easiest comparison to make, uh, most people would date not get married but really it’s nothing we can just like go back to being friends-” he needs to be put down. euthanized, even. 

because the lord above decides he gets to have a good time every once and a while, vyncent cuts him off. “what’s dating like? what do you do?”

“uh- hang out, go on dates- those are like, hang outs but just two people-, kiss, cuddle. stuff like that.” 

“we do all of that, though? except for the kissing.” vyncent says, eyebrows furrowing. he pauses for a second, as if considering something. “kiss me.”

william stops breathing. “what?” he says, voice cracking half way through. 

“kiss me.” vyncent reiterates, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. “so that i know if i want to.”

“vynce, a relationship shouldn’t be built on if you want to kiss or not- i mean, it can, but that’s not what i want, you know, communication and all that, uh, really we don’t have to do anything if you don’t like me like that it’s fine.” vyncent is squinting at him again. william fights the urge to cover his face with something.

“being in love with someone- is it like, when you wanna be around them all the time, like more than other people? and you like holding hands and sharing food and you think they’re super cool?” he asks, like he’s trying to figure out the plot of a book nobody told him about. 

william nods. “uh, yeah, that’s one way to put it.” vyncent nods solemnly. 

“okay. i’m in love with you too, then. can we try the kissing thing?”

holy shit, he’s going to pass out. this is it. This is the end of his sad little gay life. he’s going to die and come back as a ghost and haunt vyncent for killing him with his bluntness. He’ll use a blunt axe to kill him for poetic justice, or whatever.

he snaps back to reality when vyncent calls his name. “will? did i say something wrong?” 

“NO! no, you’re fine, i, uh, fuck, yeah we can. we can kiss, if you- if you want.” ok, yeah, he’s doing this. he’s going to kiss vyncent sol and he’s going to be soooo normal about it. yup. He’s awkwardly leaning in before he can second guess himself. 

distantly, william remembers that there had been a kissing scene in two of the movies they’d watched, so vyncent is at least aware of what the concept is. which is good, because if he’d had to explain kissing, he would probably have a heart attack.

honestly, it’s more of a press than a kiss, just skin on skin, but will’s too caught up in the fact that he’s kissing vyncent sol to care. they pull back. vyncent is grinning. William probably has a matching dopey smile. “we should do that more.” vyncent says, and william just makes a broken sound of agreement. they should absolutely do that more.

after a few minutes, his brain starts functioning again, and they work out that william will stay here for the night so he doesn’t have to walk home. also, they are dating now. discussed in that order. he has to take another few minutes after that before he opens up his phone to text tide that he won’t be home while vyncent orders chinese takeout (will has to help him with the credit card section of the form).

tide doesn’t respond, which is weird, and then he gets a text-

famous twitch streamer ashes2ashes: i think mark and tide are banging

william puts his phone down. and on silent. he will deal with that later, or possibly never.

anyways, he can’t tell you what movie they watched, but he ended up laying on vyncent’s chest and they both fell asleep before they got an hour in. also, vyncent purrs.

[lilacs-world]

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

[roboticchibitan]

I am pro cannabis legalization, by the way. I have used weed to manage my chronic pain (and the occasional nausea and stress overload) for several years, and am only quitting because I found a medication that works better for pain but the weed renders it ineffective. When I smoke while I’m on this medication, my pain actually gets worse. So I am quitting. But I will always support full legalization. I also don’t care if your only weed use is recreational. Who cares, it’s just weed.

That being said, I feel like too many people take “No one has ever died of weed overdose” to mean “weed is perfectly safe and we don’t need to be cautious about this.” Which just isn’t true. It’s true that if you smoke every day for a year and quit cold turkey, you might feel kinda gross for a while but you’re not gonna have a seizure and die like you might with opioid withdrawals. Last time I quit smoking after a long period of daily use, my only withdrawal symptoms were a headache that was manageable and my right eyelid kept occasionally twitching. I’ve had worse withdrawal affects from fucking coffee. But that’s not the only way a medication can be harmful.

Weed isn’t researched well enough to know how it interacts with different medications. And we don’t know enough about long term effects of weed. And while it’s less addictive than opioids, it definitely can be addictive. I’ve seen it. That being said, there is debate about using marijuana to treat opioid addiction. Some recovered addicts say they couldn’t have done it without the help of weed. But mental health experts are wary of the idea. There is a pilot program in Illinois working on this issue.

I just feel like there needs to be a balance between “weed is pretty harmless as far as drugs go” and “weed is a substance that DOES have possible side effects so you need to treat it seriously” because all medicine/substances have side effects.

I support recreational use because it’s really not a big deal to smoke weed, so who cares if people do it for fun instead of for medical reasons! My therapist once suggested to me that using recreational marijuana was also a contributing factor to my wellness, because it’s relaxing and fun and we need that in our lives. And as long as it’s not your ONLY source of relaxation and fun, what does it fucking matter. It’s no different than having a glass of wine at the end of the day.

Weed is not the scary drug it’s made out to be by some people, but it’s also not the completely harmless miracle drug other people claim it is. It’s not a black and white issue. But, overall, weed has more benefits than it has issues, so I fully support full federal legalization.

[angst-king]

Its gonna be fine

(So this is a Haikyuu fic for a series I'm thinking of starting. Based on disability representation. If you want a part 2 to this fic, just say say so. I do have other ideas for this series.)

“Tendou!” “hm? What is?” “You okay?” “yeah why?” “you’re walking weird, you don’t usually walk like that or end up that far behind us” Stated Ushijima, the others of the group nodded in agreement. Tendou sheepishly smiled while internally cursing himself out. He knew he had been pushing himself over his limits more than usual lately and now he was paying the price.

“Its fine, body’s just tired, don’t wait up on me.” Ushijimaraised a brow at this and stopped walking.

“I’m not letting you get too far out in the dark. Do you need one of us to carry you or something?” Yes!

“No, no i got it.” Tendou said as he forced his body to take another step, just as his right foot touched the ground he felt a sharp pain rush through him. As if he had been shot in several places his body collapped on itself, no one had gotten to him fast enough and he hit the ground with a thud.

“Tendou!” Yamagata was the first to reach him and sat him up against a nearby wall. Satori only groaned and trembled on the ground, pulling his body in hugging his knees to his chest he looked away in shame. The group of boys crowed around him worriedly asking if he was okay. Tendou didn’t do well with being crowded like this. He felt small, vulnerable, and as if his teammates saw him as prey. To him, they looked like vultures hovering over a meal, and he didn’t want to be eaten!

“I’m fine! I’m fine, go away!” He yelled out in a weak scratchy voice shakily holding up his arms to cover his face. Ushijima pushed the others back to get to Tendou and knelt down.

“Tendou hey, we’re not gonna hurt you, we’re just worried.” Tendou shook his head continuing to tell them he was fine and that they could leave. Ushijima refused to leave the boy in his current state and made that clear. Tendou tried to stand up but let out a yelp when he tried to lift himself off the ground.

“Tendou please tell us what’s wrong!” Pleaded one of his teammates, Tendou shook his head this time saying.

“No way, 'cause if I do you’ll kick me off the team!” This brought a wave of confusion to the group and Ushijima asked for Tendou to elaborate.

“That’s what the doctors and everyone else said. If you found out you’d kick me off the team 'cause no one would want some disabled kid on their team!” The team went silent, they watched as Tendou started to cry and degrade himself. They’d never seen him so distraught before, and it tore them apart inside to listen. Finally, he calmed down and explained his distress.

“I have a disability called peripheral neuropathy, I’ve had it since I was little. It causes me to have bouts of chronic pain and other shit. Also makes volleyball harder. Right now my body is being stupid” Then a hand was outstretched towards him.

“Let's get you home, being out here isn’t gonna make you any better. We’ll talk about it more when we get home” Tendou hesitantly took Ushijima’s hand and let the taller boy lift him up. Ushijima took note of how Tendou’s body could barely support itself at the moment so he moved Tendou and carried him on his back.

The walk home was filled with talks of their plans for dinner that night, mentions of classwork and classmate relations. When Ushijima got to Tendou’s house, he used Tendou’s house key to get inside. Ushijima had already planned to spend the night since it was something they did regularly with each other. Though now that Tendou’s disability was brought to light it made Ushijima rethink all their interactions. He always knew Tendou was very flexible almost freakishly flexible at times. He did notice that some days Tendou would have trouble with his jumps and dive receives. He could count on the amount of times Tendou complained about being in pain and it wasn’t very often! He wondered just how much his disability affected him, and why he hid it from him.

“You can put me down now,” Tendou said tiredly, Ushijima lowered Tendou onto the couch of the living room.

“I’m sorry you had to carry me home, I could have done it myself” Ushijima shook his head at the redhead’s apology.

“No you couldn’t have, your body couldn’t even stay upright for longer than 5 seconds. I don’t want you injuring yourself, it's no trouble.” “Wakatoshi” “yes Satori?” “…..If I started using my wheelchair or crutches would you think of me differently?” Ushijima’s head whipped around at the question as he started setting down their bags.

“Would I think of you differently?” Ushijima repeated confusedly, Satori nodded.

“Would you see me as less than, weak, unimportant, low value….fragile….un… never mind its stupid, forget that I asked.” Ushijima then sat beside Satori on the couch and sighed.

“Satori….I know Shiratorizawa is known as the powerhouse team, and…I know I’ve made my values clear. But that will never make me see you as any of the things you have listed.” Satori turned to look at him and stuttered out a

“B-but…they all said I…I-I would be invaluable. No one would want me on their team…” “Who told you that?” Wakatoshi questioned, wondering where the source of Tendou’s issues stemmed from.

“My old team and the doctors. During my years in middle school not only was i viewed as a monster but also…weak. They didn’t like that i took too long to recover, or that I’d get sick during conditioning. Eventually, I was just their bench warmer, so I got stronger over the summer because i still really wanted to play. We also really wanted to see what was wrong with me and finally, they told me my diagnosis….they said that I would never outgrow it and the damage could get worse over time….The doctors told me that I shouldn’t tell anyone or else I’d be kicked off, don’t ask for accommodations and just push through.” “So that's why you never told us….” Tendou nodded once more and leaned into the couch with a shaky sigh.

“And now my condition worsening even with the exercise they said was supposed to slow the process.” “Can you tell me what you experienced?” “You really want to hear about it? Its not that bad” “Of course I do, I wanna help you anyway i can.” Satori shrugged and began to explain.

“I have chronic pain, some days are better than others, and pain pills don’t touch it. Its everywhere my back, my hips, my feet, my legs, my arms, my neck, and fingers. Even my face hurts without anything having happened. Sometimes it feels like someone’s drilling into my bones, or like they’re wringing out my muscles like a towel. Some days I can’t feel my legs due to pain or they’re incredibly weak to the point i can’t stand up without help. The burning is probably the worst.” “The burning?” “Yeah sometimes it feels like my skin is on fire, or being touched in certain places feels like i’m being burned due to how touch sensitive and misswired my nervous system it.” Ushijima quietly sat with Tendou and listened to everything the redhead described to him and was horrified to find out this was something he had to live with forever!

“Satori, I’m not gonna think any less of you for being disabled or needing support. Hell I think pretty highly of you and to hear that this is what you go through on a daily while doing volleyball amazes me! So i’m gonna be there for you.” “alright”

The two spent the rest of the night watching movies, having dinner, and finishing up on homework assignments until they fell asleep.

The next morning Tendou woke up incredibly sore, he already didn’t sleep very well due to muscle spasms keeping him up. All he wanted was to stay in bed and go back to sleep but, he had volleyball and some important in-class projects he didn’t want to miss. Trying to get up wasn’t easy, ushijima had carried him to bed last night and he didn’t wanna have him do it again. He tried reaching for his crutches only to see that they had been moved to the other side of his room instead of beside his bed. He was gonna have to stand up anyway so he reached for the dresser this time for leverage to hoist himself up. He bit his lower lip to stifle back screams of pain as he rose to his feet.

Much like last night, his lower half could hardly support him. It felt as if someone took a sledgehammer to his ankles trying to take them out from under him! Trying to move his legs required concentration, each step made his joint crack and pop even more than a normal person who’d just woken up. Step by step he was getting closer to his crutches until he just barely reached them and fell to his knees.

At least by now he could just reach out and grab them. Once he did he used those to support himself and get ready for school. Getting dressed, brushing his teeth, washing his face and packing his bag made him wanna crawl back in bed. He couldn’t even think about breakfast. Just as he left his room he saw Wakatoshi in the kitchen.

“Morning” Wakatoshi looked up from his spot at the stove and gave a curt smile.

“How did you sleep?” “slept okay, you?” “I slept fine, though you look like you hardly slept” Commented Wakatoshi as Tendou brought himself over to the island and sat down. Tendou shrugged and laid his head down in his arms with a yawn.

“I’ll be fine, got volleyball and projects to catch up on.” “No you’re sitting out today for volleyball” That sure woke Tendou up, he frowned and asked why.

“Because you can hardly move and I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Your body is clearly not cooperative right now. You can practice when I know you can move on your own.” Tendou was about to protest but Wakatoshi shut him down gently.

“I’m not saying you’re incapable, I’m sure you’ve pushed through this sort of thing before but. I don’t want to risk it, you’re a good player and I’d hate for you to be injured to the point of being permanently benched for the season….So please just take it easy” Tendou closed his mouth and just nodded and laid his head back down. He knew Wakatoshi was right, he had done it before but he shouldn’t have to. He had already forced himself beyond his limits just to keep up with everyone, he deserved to rest.

“I think you should take the wheelchair” Commented Wakatoshi, Tendou raised a brow at this as he swallowed what was in his mouth.

“Why?” “Because it’ll be easier than using your crutches to get to the train station, you won't have to worry about finding a place to sit. School wise we can ask one of your teammates to help you transfer from class to class. You’ll get knocked around with your crutches“ “…but I feel so small in my chair” “You do?” Nodding Satori put down his cleaned bowl to give to his classmate to place in the dishwasher.

“I won't leave you, and we’ll meet up with the others at the train station.” “I-its not that. Its just I get scared….of getting separated. Its not easy to get around when you’re so small and people aren’t nice.” “have you tried yelling?” “mhm….people get upset when i raise my voice for them to move.” “well they’re not the ones in the chair, they’re the ones in the way. Look when we get to any crowded areas I’ll push you, and maybe see if I can get a teammate to stand in front of you so you can get through.” He seemed so prepared for this, how could he take things into account so fast and think of plans. Well that was sorta the entire job of being a team captain.

“Okay then” With their plan in agreement, Tendou got out his wheelchair. Sitting down in it Wakatoshi was surprised to see just how much small it made Satori. Standing up Satori was maybe and inch or two shorter, though now it felt like several feet. Wakatoshi didn’t comment on it and just helped him out the door. The stroll down to the train station was pretty easy. It seemed that Tendou had already knew how to move crosswalks on his own, he could get himself over uneven sidewalks and keep up with Wakatoshi who walked beside him.

Getting to the train station Tendou could feel his anxiety rising as he saw just how many people were there already. Wakatoshi noticed Tendou’s pause and came up behind him.

“Hey hey its gonna be okay, I’ve got you.” He promised, the middle blocker nodded nervously, shoving his hands into his hoodie pockets as Wakatoshi pushed him down the ramp. As they got through the ticket gate his heart began to pound, there were people everywhere hustling and bustling pushing and shoving. Satori barely reached most people’s chest in his chair so he truly felt tiny compared to the people around him! He was on high alert eyes darting around frantically.

“Oh hey Tendou! Ushijima!” Tendou turned to see who was calling his name and smiled a little seeing Goshiki along with Kawanishi. He shyly waved at the two as they approached.

“Hey dude! Woah you okay I’ve never seen you in a wheelchair before. I got worried about you last night” Goshiki asked, Tendou nodded.

“Yeah yeah I’m fine, the wheelchair is mine. I just don’t bring it to school most time. I’ll be okay.” “Damn alright dude, its kinda cool looking I didn’t know they came in different colors!” Tendou’s wheelchair frames were red and silver, something he asked for since it was custom.

“Thanks, Goshi” He was a little surprised they were treating this like it was normal.

“Oi Goshiki, Kawanishi, I need you to walk in front of us so we can get through.” With this instruction, the two players got in front of Tendou and Wakatoshi keeping a distance so other’s wouldn’t crowd around him. This did put Tendou at ease for the time being. When the train arrived Goshiki and Kawanishi boarded and found a spot for the four of them. Wakatoshi pushed him and placed him in a spot beside the door between two bars. Tendou locked his wheels and held onto the bar closest to him.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, so far his teammates were supportive.

[kazuwhora]

An Unfortunate Fundraiser for my Beloved Fiona

hi friends <3 I’m currently sobbing as I type this, but I have nowhere else to release my emotions. over the past year, you have all supported me immensely with my journey of my lifelong soulmate of a cat fiona. if you’ve kept up with my posts, fiona has been by my side for 20 years, since I was 4, and in 2020 she was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. I’ve done my best at upkeeping her health since her diagnosis, and she’s far outlived her very first prognosis and I’m more than proud of her for pushing so hard and so long. however, her little body just cant support that immense spirit inside of her anymore, and my little body can’t support the constant anxiety and anticipatory grief that comes with wondering when the inevitable might happen, and how it’s going to happen. the fear of losing her while I’m away, or losing her while I’m alone without family to support me is terrifying and it keeps me up at night and keeps me away from even going to work. at this point, I don’t want to see her decline any more. I don’t want to see her any sicker than she is, or burden her with vet visits, and pain that she might be hiding from me because she knows how much I need her.

I’ve decided that at the end of the month, around January 27th, I will be holding a special ceremony at home to help fiona find peace and to relieve her of her duties of supporting me for my whole life. In order to keep her memory alive and to treat her body with the upmost respect as a thank you for everything she’s done for me, and also as a way of helping me mourn and keep her close to my heart, I’ve decided to go through with an at home euthanization as well as a pelt preservation (where a portion of her coat is tanned and preserved and framed so I can always pet her) and a skull cleaning (solely because I LOVE spiritual practiced and I think her body deserves the attention that goes into these services). I’m hoping to have a small little display with these mementos of her made after her passing, however with euthanization costs, time off work that I will need to recover, as well as the cost of these memorials, the money that I have set aside just isn’t quite enough. I know so many of you have supported Fiona in the past and I’m more than grateful for everything you’ve done to help get her this far.

I’m going to be setting up a ko-fi goal in hopes of raising even a little bit of money to go towards it, and honestly even $1 helps. And if you don’t have anything to give, please give your own pet some love for me. Give them a hug, a kiss, tell them you love them and give them a treat. Never take your time with your pets for granted, and never underestimate the strength they can have for you in their last moments. I’m gonna post some photos of Fiona here to share my love for her with you all, and to put her wonderful energy out into the world for good measure. please know that I will also be going on hiatus until after I’ve healed enough from this, but I will do my best to thank each and every one of you and keep tabs on everything going on!

THE LINK TO MY KOFI GOAL IS HERE

and thank you all for everything you’ve done to support us. My appreciation for you all is beyond words 🖤🧡🤍 please do share this post- reblog, repost, spread all you want!

[hypnostheory]

WIP Weekend Tag Game

I got tagged by @kiwiana-writes , @gayflyboy, and @happiness-of-the-pursuit .

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more). (If you're an artist or other non-fic fandom creator, questions can be found here!)

1. WIP List:

Okay so let’s put realistic WIP here (these are not in any particular order)

you don’t want to know me (needs a final chapter)

fell apart (in the usual way) - Bodyguard!Alex pt. 2

in a faith forgotten land (surprise)

secret moments in a crowded room (ThreesGiving)

sit there in this hurt (another surprise)

Whatever the piercer part 3 is going to be called

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

So you don’t want to know me is the only chapter fic of the bunch, so by default??? However, in a faith forgotten land is probably going to be a long one, and sit here in this hurt might end up being a two-parter.

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

Same as the previous answer, it’s absolutely you don’t know me but I’m probably going to be most surprised by in a faith forgotten land or sit here in this hurt.

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

I’m really enjoying secret moments in a crowded room because it’s funny, but I also like the blocking of fell apart (in the usual way).

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

Definitely you don’t know me, just because it’s the follow up to my most popular work and a lot of people have opinions on it.

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

I stare at the outline of in a faith forgotten land every day. It’s very ambitious (read: overly complicated).

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

Everything I read goes through my partner. They check my dialogue and fact check, and they’re also good at fixing areas I’m stuck on.

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

Name one that ain’t.

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

Don’t really do OCs, I try to traffic in cannon characters and only use an OC if I have to. Alex has a pretty fun secretary for in a faith forgotten land, but that’s about it.

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

That’s like asking which clown drives the car, they’re all porn lol. I personally like all the shit happening in fell apart because Bodyguard!Alex is just inherently hot but secret moments is gonna have some spice.

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

Either you don’t want to know me or sit there in this hurt.

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

Secret moments, but my partner says piercer part three.

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

Probably secret moments, but I do like the scene setting for in a faith forgotten land.

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

Research wise, it’s you don’t want to know me or faith forgotten. Writing wise, probably fell apart because I’ve been picking at it for weeks.

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

Well you don’t want to know me has to close out the series, so that’s pretty high. I think secret moments is going to be great, it’s really building on a character that doesn’t get a lot of love. And my partner will riot if piercer part three isn’t good lol.

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

That would imply I sleep.

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

So like, writing chronic pain is very complex and the emotions involved are also very hard, which makes you don’t know me difficult. It’s also intensely autobiographical, so there’s a lot of layers. (Which is why updating it has taken so long, sorry lol)

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

Absolutely secret moments, that’s half a comedy and half a smut fic.

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

you don’t want to know me had one from June. There’s going to be a deep dive in secret moments on a side character. I think it’s interesting to go outside the main ship, especially for minor characters. I’m a background bitch stan.

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

Hmm I blab constantly but in secret moments I’m basing a characters personality on Elliot from Chambers, so there’s that.

I’m not going to be tagging as many people as I have WIPs because I have a lot, but I can for sure tag @futureseaempress and @affectionatelyrs 💖

[biosblades]

Sorry to my moots for the uncharacteristically aggressive spam

I just found out about a whole new form of discourse on this site and went on an absolute rampage. I do consider myself neurodivergent (but my neurodivergence specifically is low support needs) and I have EDS. And tbh some of my disabilities like EDS and gastroparesis and POTS (all “TikTok teen girl” sicknesses that are typically perceived as being very mild) are extremely disabling. Like can’t move, can’t eat, bend bound, cathed and tube fed w/ supplemental oxygen and a heart monitor that screams if I sit up a little bit too vertically level disabling.

I’m unequivocally physically disabled, and some parts of my disabilities are invisible

But I would never pick a fight with someone who also has a severe disability for talking about accessibility issues that aren’t about me.

I personally don’t have intellectual disabilities, so I don’t go into their spaces like “yeah, but why aren’t you talking about people with chronic pain??” because I literally know the answer. It’s because they’re simply talking about something that isn’t about me, as they are entitled to do

In the exact same vain, I wouldn’t go up to someone with (completely hypothetically) an SCI and be like “how dare you talk about your needs without also talking about EDS 😡😡”

I have EDS. I might comment something like “yes, wheelchair accessible sidewalks would be very helpful to people with EDS as well.” But I’m not gonna attack them for talking about something they need just because I don’t also need it.

And I’m certainly not going to feel personally attacked because they seem “sicker” than me. Pain Olympics is dumb, but let’s be so so so fr, some people simply are sicker than others. And while that doesn’t invalidate less sick people and they absolutely deserve support as well and I’m actively an activist for people in that kind of middle area of “too sick to be involved in society” but “not sick enough to qualify for hospice care” that is no reason to attack people who DO need the absolute highest level of support structures for needing them.

I confess that I too am sick and tired of the “quirky” level 1 neurodivergent teens on TikTok dominating the entire conversation on disability. I’m on the quirky-not-seriously-disabled end of the neurodivergence spectrum, and trust me, it is nothing even comparable to severe physical, genuinely life threatening disability. It doesn’t mean adhd isn’t real, but it does mean you need to shut up and stop speaking over people in conversations about truly truly crippling disability. That’s not you. You deserve to talk about your fidget toys, but take it elsewhere. I’m tired of conversations that are on genuinely life or death issues being overtaken by people with mild anxiety/depression. Stop acting like executive dysfunction is equal to your body literally shutting down. Losing consciousness if you move wrong. Your heart actually literally tapping out. Neurodivergence isn’t even fundamentally the same thing as physical disability. Like it’s a whole separate issue. It’s not more or less important, it’s just a totally unrelated phenomenon

Or even if you have mild EDS or arthritis and your joints kinda hurt. That’s a real issue and you deserve support, but it doesn’t justify taking over every single discussion

Just be comfortable being okay with some things being not about you. The existence of people with visible disabilities isn’t a threat to those with invisible disabilities

[hummingbird-games]

this review/gameplay account contains spoilers for An Everyday Love (Ezra’s route) so here’s your first and last chance to run along *shoos you*

SO!

Umm.

Words?? Maybe??

Heart reactions (ramblings): I knew I was going to love this game. I KNEW I Was Going To Fall In Love With Ezra (again). I knew that in the deepest and darkest spaces inside me, this story would resonate. The cozy and cute art style. The grounded, though tough struggles of our main character. The humor and witty parts that made me crack up. Our deep and loving friendship with Amara. The moments that made me look into my imaginary camera in my dining room alone at dark-thirty, eyes wide and incredulous, trying not to disturb my sleeping family, sometimes crying but mostly smiling and so, so, so happy to have made it to play this game.

This game was made with love and care, and you can tell. You can feel it. And all the side characters that appear on Ezra's route were either a joy or a pain lol but welcomed in my gaming experience just the same. (GRACE AND STEPH I LOVE Y'ALL!!!) 

Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh, and yeah this game was sweet as hell, but I am an adult and I do like to partake in adult things from time to time and what I'm trying to communicate here is that I was there for the sexy scenes....lemme repeat that...I was there for the sex!!! (Love this for all of y'all reading this oh my God 😭😂) Nah but really, the heat + the sweet were present and accounted for and I’m a happy camper LOL!

And the fairytale portion of the story? Cue the sound of my heart breaking because it was so well done. Probably where I shed the most tears, and I was doing so well keeping it together so I could read the words on my screen without obstruction!!

Brain tings (aka the 'review' portion): In recent memory, and by that I mean in the three-ish years I've been actively playing visual novels, I can't name another game that delves into chronic illness and disability centering the main character that’s also in the slice of life romance genre. It's not an experience I can claim, but it is one I have empathy for and believe that reading/seeking out representation of others' experiences is the only way we're gonna get through this life in one piece doing the least amount of harm. 

Seriously.

 And as someone who deals with from mental illness and will have to deal with it for the rest of her life, it's comforting to be reminded that stories don't have to show this borderline (sometimes over the fence) toxic positivity of dealing with those struggles. Sometimes you feel like shit. Sometimes you push people away. Sometimes you take chances on people and they burn you with the intention to hurt. But sometimes you take chances and they pay off. But you gotta keep going, and if I take anything away from this game, it's that message: Keep. Going.

Retrospective thoughts: I wrote this category out thinking I'd have another concise paragraph in me, but that was a lie. The main thing I wanted to get out was that as someone who discovered she falls on the demisexual/demiromantic spectrum, I've made it my annoying second job to sniff it out in the media I consume. (Spare crumbs?????)  And I have a Hunch about a Mr. Ezra Hale. (I related to him more than was healthy is all I want to admit zkfjdhjdhgfjg)

ALSO OH MY GOD HE'S SUCH A CUTE DRUNK I CAAAAAANNNNNNN'TTTTTTTTT

AND WE HAVE A (SOFT) GAMER BOYFRIEND!?!?!!

...ahem, lemme just *places another hashtag* 

#SoftBlackMen 😏✌🏽💞

I don't care, I win. I win at life. Otome men have ruined me again for the real thing and I don't care. Am I a little crushed Ezra isn't real? ... NEXT QUESTION!

Another thing, I usually avoid bad endings like the plague (I've got enough bad endings in real life, like wayament 😭✋🏽) so I was lowkey hoping I'd get Ezra's bad ending on accident so I wouldn't have to do it on purpose (#noguidegang) but then I would have made it everyone's problem. 

So. Someone was looking out for y'all LOL. But this is a game I will actively replay, so I will be obtaining all the endings and living my best life.

(also part 3, because game dev lives her best life on Twitter as does the rest of the VN community, I will go make some noise on there sometime because she deserves it and I'm nothing if not obnoxious as hell when I want something known)

[awkwarddystopianwarlord]

I’m Sorry My Disability is an Inconvenience for You

I wasn’t going to write about this originally, but it’s happened enough this week to piss me off and so I will pass that pissed-off-ness to you. You’re welcome.

The thing with chronic pain is…well.. It’s chronic. It doesn’t go away, especially what I have. The theory is fibromyalgia. When all my scans finally come back negative, that’s what we’re going with, because fibromyalgia doesn’t show up on anything. It’s a ghost to x-rays, MRIs, and CT scans. There isn’t a cure, no pill to be taken or salve to be applied.

Now, I’ve explained this to people, particularly the people who keep pissing me off. See, when you have an unseen disability, you really learn who actually gives a shit. The dickheads I’ve encountered this week have the nerve to act sympathetic all the way up until my problems mess with their agenda or image.

When I went home early two days in a row and didn’t go into work at all for the next two, my manager acted like it was the end of the world. Despite the fact I work on the side of the store everyone neglects and no one cares about. Despite the fact we are allowed five paid sick days, which I didn’t even claim because I already felt like garbage. Despite the fact I told her my abdomen kept seizing up and I couldn’t breathe too well and had a wicked headache on top of that. She had the audacity to send me a long ass message essentially asking me to schedule my sick days weeks in advance as if I plan that shit. It was a horrendous debacle that left me feeling insanely enraged. That rage now increases every time she asks how I’m doing and if there are any updates. She said this week, after I told her I’m doomed for eternal pain (not in those exact words obviously), “that’s wild, you’re so young”. A perfect example really for people to take the suffering of young people more seriously.

What’s so frustrating about this is that people keep expecting that I’ll get better and they can get on with their lives. I’m not getting better, that’s why I’m trying to get disability, because I’m permanently disabled. Yet, they can’t seem to grasp that. They shower me with sympathy statements when it doesn’t affect them but the second I can’t make it to work or I share my grievances over a lack of care, they turn heel and lash back. All those “I’m so sorry for you”’s mean nothing when you get defensive and or angry at me for my body’s stupidity. As if you are more affected than me, the person who has to live with this. Like, just stop pitying me if you’re gonna get irked the moment you have any involvement with my declining state. Once again using my manager as an example, if you feel so fucking bad, PAY ME MORE YOU BITCH SO I DON’T HAVE TO WORK AS FREQUENTLY! She even told me in that cursed message that if I had to work less, she could arrange that, as if I’ve not told her at least three times that I’m really poor and can’t afford to properly take care of myself.

The same people who flip flop between caring and annoyance also have the power to deplete some of my burdens but choose not to. Must be too inconvenient for them I guess. That’s another reason I don’t believe a word that comes out of their mouths. It’s all false niceties to keep up an image, an agenda, to improve their own personas. I really wish they’d just shut up at this point because, like them towards me, I don’t fucking care. I don’t wanna hear it, as it’s all lies.

[sodasss]

// abuse, neglect, mentions of sui/ed/sh, substance abuse

one of my mom’s ways of abusing me is throwing away my depression and anxiety meds, not taking me to appointments and letting my health decline because she knows i never say anything

i just got done with the dentist, thanks to my grandma making and taking me to the appointment. i’m a minor (15) so i can’t drive myself to appointments or get my own meds.

next week i have to go back to the dentist to get a few cavities filled, i haven’t been in a year and a half. issues with my back have gotten worse and i’m barely able to walk more than two miles now.

though i do think these kinds of things fall more under neglect than abuse.

when i was 11-13, my mom didn’t talk to me. at all. we lived under the same roof, except her boyfriend at the time lived with us. he was nice enough, at least he actually talked to me and tried to care about how i was doing. my mom ignored and shunned me when i tried to tell her that i had been struggling with sh, ana, and wanting to die. i still struggle with these things, and part of me thinks it’s because she ignored me when i tried to tell her.

the first time she talked to me in two years was to tell me that isn’t biological dad had died. her boyfriend left not a week earlier.

since then she’s left me to my own devices. i have to clean the house, cook dinner, look after the cats, dog, lizards, and my guinea pig.

the cats are easy enough to take care of, so are the two lizards. beelzebub, my guinea pig, never really does much, but she likes laying on me while i nap. the dog is a lot to take care of though.

all that, plus being a high school student with depression, multiple anxiety disorders (gender dysphoria, ptsd, cptsd, selective mutism), and chronic pain and chronic fatigue, and i get yelled at and beaten for my grades not being perfect.

it’s gotten to the point where footsteps nearing my room makes me flinch, and i know i can’t call cps on my mom because i’ve done it before and she lied to them. she told them i was lying. she still blames me for it and brings it up every time we argue.

“what are you gonna do? call cps? they won’t believe a liar like you.” she would say as she beats me down. day after day, weeks, months, years i’ve had to deal with this and her words will always sting.

last year i was failing biology, and i broke down in the classroom in front of the teacher because the grading period had ended that day and my mom would see i was failing three classes. i told her everything, how my mom was neglecting me, beating me, and how i had to take care of everything because my mom sits in her room getting high all day, how i had turned to alcohol to cope, as well as cvtting and my ana getting worse. she just hugged me and said that i needed more help than she could give, but if i ever needed to get away for a while or sleep in class, she would let me stay after school to make up what i slept through.

she said she’ll be here for me, whatever it is i need, then she sent me to the office. the counselor called my mom after the teacher told her what was happening with me and my telling her about my sh and substance abuse.

the counselor said she had to call my mom. i screamed and cried and begged her not to because the consequences would be horrible if she ever found out what i was doing. she didn’t listen.

the next day i showed up to school with bruises around my neck and all over the rest of my body. no one cared.

i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m so stressed and i’m scared. scared of her, of everything now. i’ve been 16 weeks sober, 7 weeks clean, still struggling with my ed but recovering.

i think i’m going to try moving out, but i don’t really even have a place to go.

[daftpatience]

got a cane cus my booba so huge that theyre uhh making my spine bad

i talk abt my booba hurting my bones under the cut

so! im currently a 40 M and my breasts weigh over 12lbs! this means my back hurts a LOT. all the time. i wanna go over how this affects my body cus i bet some folks would find it interesting and i like talking about myself lol

ive had xrays of my spine and it’s pinched in the mid back area because i lean backwards a bit when standing to counterbalance the weight of my breasts. my hips are also extremely tight in a weird area that’s hard to relieve. the pinch in my spine and my fucked up hips are from my body trying to compensate for the weight of my breasts.

if i don’t wear a bra, all the strain feels as though it’s in my neck and i get really bad headaches radiating from there up through my head, every day. i cannot do any tasks that require me to stand with my arms out for any length of time (like doing dishes) because the pain in my upper back gets unbearable instantly!

if i do wear a bra (and i only wear ones without underwires), the neck pain is gone but it all relocates to my shoulders. i’m able to do more physical activities, but it gets really irritated under my breasts and the buildup of pain on my shoulders becomes unbearable over time.

when i’m sitting my breasts also pull me down into a hunch, and it’s difficult and painful to sit up straight. i also can’t bend over to pick up things. it hurts less to crouch than to bend from the hip, but still hurts. my family’s also got some genetic shitty knee thing that i should really get looked at so my knees like to give out on me a lot. i get this not-so-often blindingly sharp pain in one knee if i stand up from crouching! aaa. i almost forgot about that while writing this.

due to all that, after a few hours of walking, lifting, or anything that’s physical, i end up in serious hip/back pain at the end of the day. i do what i can to help recover, i use cold packs and painkillers, but i’ve often lost sleep from the pain. there isn’t much i can do for a job if i can’t bend over :( sometimes i’m bedridden for a whole day or more from this. its been this way for a good three years or more? i can’t remember that well!

cue the cane: helps me bend over! i was surprised that it also helps me walk around as i wasnt expecting it to do much for me, but i feel like i have a lot more energy since getting it AND i havent gotten out of bed in excruciating pain once since ive been conscious about not bending over without the cane! im flabbergasted and happy. i should have gotten one a long time ago. i’m also nervous that i’m visibly disabled - i’m fat and gnc so the amount of people that are gonna see me as a target for isms and phobias just went up. it’s scary to stand up for yourself and your needs.

i wonder if there’s some underlying chronic pain or weakness thing i’m dealing with, cus that’s a lot just from some heavy tits, but we’ll see after they’re gone if my whole body still hurts ;w; most of the bad things seem to radiate from the boob weight. my knees might be another story.

im lucky that where i live breast reductions are free if they're considered medically necessary, and im lucky that my doctor recommended i get one instead of just telling me to lose weight (theyre so disproportionately large that i can’t imagine it would help, plus i like my body size and hate diet culture and medical fatphobia) by god am i chopping these things off of me asap. ive got surgery vaguely in the fall (still need a confirm call from the surgeon)  so everyone wish me luck lol

[sickstarlight]

different causes of sickness

a friend had asked me for some advice on how I write differences between different types of sickness or reasons someone could get sick! so I typed up a reference of details I try to keep in mind in my writing. not by any means meant to be comprehensive but these are some of the more common things I see used or use myself!

eta: if you found this interesting or useful consider tipping me on kofi (/jallyns) or getting a $5 commission so I can fix my computer

drinking related:

drank too much: everyone’s threshold for this is going to be different obvs both in terms of how much alcohol they need and how wasted they’re able/willing to be before getting sick. also ime you have to be QUITE drunk for being drunk alone to make you sick, to the point where it may be dangerous, so personally I like this combined with something else - motion, something not sitting right in their stomach, etc - but it can be good otherwise too. probably the first thing the character will notice or be aware of if they have any warning is that being drunk stops feeling good at this point. they might feel flushed and/or clammy and will probably feel dizzy, their mouth might feel really dry depending on what they’ve been drinking. this is probably also the point where they recognize they have limited control of their body, feet might feel too heavy to move or head might be spinning, may feel very clumsy and suddenly become AWARE of it.

they might FEEL motion sick even if they’re not moving too because their motion sense is fucked at this point. might feel heavy but this is likely to be a whole body heaviness NOT just their stomach (though they might be very aware of it); might or might not be able to place the feeling of nausea. maybe burping but it depends on what they’ve been drinking (carbonated or not, mixed with soda, etc) and what else they ate! they MIGHT feel okay after throwing up but their friend probably shouldn’t let them drink anymore even if they do.

also this might come with very little warning, they may go from feeling fine and giggling with their friends to suddenly feeling Wrong to hurling all over the floor in a matter of minutes or even a few seconds. if they have friends with them who have been with them drunk regularly, depending on who’s more sober their friends might notice they look unsteady and/or queasy before they realize they don’t feel well.

other good things here: alcohol that tastes so strong it’s all they can taste when they throw it back up, feeling dizzy but not placing it as nauseous right away, feeling like their head is too heavy to lift. reeling on their feet when a drink hits them too hard and feeling the whole room spin.

drank too quickly - more likely to come on SUPER suddenly, but they’ll probably recognize it right away (unless they’ve already been drinking) because the alcohol hasn’t had time to get to their brain yet. so with gradually drinking more than they should they will get drunk first and THEN get sick, but if they drink too much too fast right off the bat they’ll start to feel some effects probably but they’ll also know pretty quick that their drinks aren’t gonna stay down.

hung over - throwing up from a hangover is a combination of a buildup of alcohol byproducts in the stomach, and the stomach lining being irritated + producing more acid. a headache is also a significant part of the misery of a hangover but (unlike a migraine, where the pain directly leads to vomiting) isn’t necessarily related to any queasiness, so the headache might get worse with sound, light, or movement, but their stomach likely won’t. they might feel a little like they have heartburn (or actually GET some acid reflux) from acid buildup, and their stomach might be sore or feel too warm as well as being upset. 

the only real cure for a hangover is slow sips of clear fluids and bland foods to help settle the stomach and reduce the acid, but lots of people swear by other things - certain kinds of foods, drinking more alcohol, etc, so that’s something you can have fun with! depending on how much alcohol is still in their bloodstream, they might also still feel a little drunk/tipsy and have some issues with their balance, thinking clearly, etc, which could make the nausea worse; also some people might always get sick from hangovers but others might not so consider how your character deals with that! They also might wake up sick, or feel sick right away, or might not feel sick at all until trying to get some fluids or take meds for their headache (especially since ibuprofen/aspirin also irritate the stomach lining).

food related:

ate too much -  character will likely feel bloated and tight, food might feel heavy in their stomach. depending on what they’re stuffed with there might be burping esp if there’s a lot of gas in their stomach, or a lot of gagging and unproductive dry heaving if it’s very heavy/solid. might need to drink something to get anything up, or have help from someone, or might just take a while to finally puke as their overstuffed stomach struggles to break down their meal enough that their stretched out muscles can get anything moving. any firm pressure on the stomach is gonna feel worse and likely to make them gag even if they’re not ready to throw up yet. maybe weak strained tummy noises as they try to digest. (side note if a lot of their stomach contents are liquid like soup, drinks, etc they’ll throw that up a lot faster; also a good excuse to discuss sloshing/jostling/swirling around in their tummy)

ate too quickly - ties in well to eating too much since it’s easy eating in a hurry to not realize you’re full until it’s already a little late - eating or drinking anything too fast can also make some people’s stomachs hurt or get upset in general, and is an easy way to end up swallowing a lot of air which can obviously lead to feeling much more full and tight with lots of burping that could easily bring up more!

ate something bad - this could be rotten, poorly prepared, or just something that upsets their stomach but what it is might change the feeling of it so there’s definitely variety here. probably also feels heavy but more localized, like they can feel the specific food they ate and where it’s settled in their stomach. might also be painful and cause cramping and tenderness. imo nausea from this is more likely to come in waves and recede but might also be more readily recognizable as nausea. some things I like in this scenario - character thinking about what they ate and feeling worse, imagining they can feel individual parts of their food in their stomach, burping and tasting what they ate (possibly noticing the taste having gone sour / etc in their stomach). good place to describe stuff like how greasy smt was/feeling the grease coating their stomach, or otherwise talk about the specific way the food feels in their tummy and how much it makes them want to puke. unlike with eating too much, they’re likely not to feel better until ALL of the offending food is out of their stomach (while with overeating, they may throw up a few times and then start to feel better once there’s less pressure on their stomach).

general notes - if something the character ate is what’s making them feel sick, a lot of focus on hyperawareness of how much food is in their stomach/how heavy it feels are gonna be big sensory things (as well as maybe taste, pressure/tightness, stomach contents moving around)

illness

appendicitis - if you’re looking for something more serious than food poisoning or a stomach bug, this is sure to end up with a character in the hospital as they’ll need surgery! the big distinguishing thing is pain, which will be sharp and located on the lower right side of the abdomen (or may start near the navel and move down). any kind of exertion or sudden muscle movement can make the pain worse. if the character or one of their caretakers is knowledgeable and suspects appendicitis, they might do the rebound test, which causes pain to get drastically worse AFTER placing pressure on the area and releasing it. sickness usually begins after the pain starts and may get worse when something exacerbates the pain as well.

in addition to nausea and vomiting, other symptoms can include fever, bloating, and bowel issues (either diarrhea or constipation), which will usually get worse over the course of the infection. if the character is treated soon enough (within 2-3 days) they’ll usually feel better after surgery and recover relatively quickly, but if they’re not seen by a doctor and the appendix ruptures they’ll likely need more extensive treatment including antibiotics and a longer hospital stay to make sure they won’t develop sepsis. (in some cases, symptoms could seem to suddenly go away when the appendix ruptures because it releases pressure, but worse symptoms would rapidly develop!)

rarely, there’s also such thing as chronic appendicitis, where milder symptoms may appear and recede over the course of weeks or months before developing into acute appendicitis and prompting surgery.

coughs, colds, strep, etc - can all cause vomiting as secondary symptoms thanks to postnasal drip, throat irritation, or forceful coughing. serious enough throat irritation or buildup of mucus can make a character gag, or feel the need to, and so can coughing up phlegm from their chest. if they’re sniffly and have their sinuses draining down the back of their throat, they may end up swallowing a lot of mucus too which can make them feel nauseous as their stomach gets full of sticky snot. I think these work best as emeto scenarios for characters with weak gag reflexes!

food poisoning - separate from eating something bad because food poisoning from a virus or bacteria is a longer lasting illness with a later onset; the character may first get sick within a few hours of eating the contaminated food, or it may incubate and make them sick within a day or two. like stomach flu (also frequently foodborne) many types can cause both vomiting and diarrhea, but symptoms vary depending on specific cause. characters also might puke early on and then develop more symptoms and become sicker later as bacteria multiply and produce toxins, and may take several days to recover from the later onset where they could have persistent nausea, or might feel okay and even regain their appetite if they don’t try to eat  but be unable to keep much or any food down. most types of food poisoning also cause pain, swelling, bloating, and cramping, usually in the lower part of the stomach and upper intestines, so those are other symptoms your character might have to deal with in addition to puking!

stomach flu - character may be feverish or achy as well as nauseous while their body fights the infection, which is an additional great source of hurt/comfort fuel! can cause both vomiting and diarrhea, so even food they manage to keep down might still sting them later. because it directly causes irritation and inflammation in the stomach and lower GI tract, character might throw up frequently or after every meal, or might be able to handle clear fluids but no solids, or some bland foods but nothing with significant sugar, spices, or fat. they also might only be able to drink or eat in very small amounts without bringing it back up. their stomach may hurt and feel like it’s cramping even if they haven’t tried to eat, and they may get only very brief relief of nausea after each time they’re sick because it reduces the immediate pressure on the stomach but not the inflammation; they might feel nauseous constantly or end up dry heaving even when there’s nothing in their stomach, and might need to keep a basin of some kind nearby for a couple of days since they can’t be sure if they’re done. dehydration is a common complication and can cause headaches, weakness, and dizziness in addition to other symptoms! the most common stomach virus, norovirus, is also EXTREMELY contagious, and virus particles can aerosolize and scatter widely during vomiting, so the caretaker may not be safe either.

injury, other medical

anaesthesia - people react to this in all kinds of ways but getting sick is really common so it can be combined with just about any reaction. character might be disoriented or dizzy and have trouble with balance, walking, other coordinated movement. some might be really confused and have trouble communicating their ideas clearly or say things that might not make any sense to other characters. from the anaesthetized character’s perspective though they’re  probably making total sense so it can also be fun to include their muddled thought process and what they’re feeling or thinking that they express in weird ways! other characters might feel pretty clearheaded and be able to communicate clearly though. they might feel “light” or like they're floating, or very  detached from their body; this may cause more dizziness and vertigo. they may also be cold they might feel nauseous right away and persistently from the anaesthetic irritating their stomach, or might only get sick from moving that makes the “floating” feeling worse. general anaesthetic is usually used for surgery so if they aren’t immediately nauseous the character can also wake up really hungry from fasting before, so eating too much or too quickly might also make them realize they’re nauseous and end up with them puking.

concussion - there are a lot of reasons someone might get sick from a concussion, but the most common (non threatening) are vertigo / vestibular disturbance and headaches! the character might  get nauseous or throw up when they turn too quickly or stand up too fast if their balance center is disrupted, or might have head pain similar to a migraine that makes them sick and can have similar sensitivities. mild concussions without other complications can still last up to a week after the injury, but the character should get sick less and less often as time goes on, so the most intense phase for sickness caused by a concussion is shortly after it happens! Frequently repeated or prolonged bouts of vomiting are often signs of more serious injury though, so if you’re keeping it mild they should probably be brief and a little spaced out even early on, though a character might have intermittent nausea between them. other symptoms of concussion are important too here - big ones are short term amnesia, loss of coordination, difficulty concentrating, and confusion. they might also hear ringing in their ears or sometimes have visual disturbances like in migraines! 

migraine - the pain from migraines can directly cause vomiting, especially when it’s at its peak, but it might also be caused by aura effects on balance and vision! (some people get tunnel vision or “kaleidoscope” vision with migraines, some just get dizzy, some people even hallucinate strong smells or tastes which could also lead to nausea!) for some people, the headache gets better after throwing up, but not everyone; they also might or might not feel the buildup of nausea or persistent nausea throughout their migraine, or alternately might retch or throw up almost IMMEDIATELY when any trigger makes their pain worse (common triggers are bright or flashing light, loud or high pitched sounds, strong smells, and sudden movement, but people have lots of different triggers so they can be a lot of things!) many people can’t chase off a migraine until after they’ve slept so you might also include them trying to get comfortable only to have their head start hurting worse or their stomach get upset and make them scramble to get over the trash bin.

motion sickness - anyone can get motion sick but some people are more prone to it than others! so you might have characters who always get motion sick in any moving vehicle, or who are okay in cars but can’t travel on water, or who only get sick with intense movement like on roller coasters - or characters who aren’t prone to motion sickness in general, but discover they get it when fatigued, anxious, etc. different characters might also experience it differently - for some there may be a cycle of gradual buildup of nausea until it becomes unbearable and they throw up, while for others it might come on suddenly, or they might have low level nausea throughout a trip but only puke when there’s a more sudden or violent movement. some people also only get motion sick after a period of time, and might be fine on short trips but get sick if they’re traveling longer.

other notes: many people who get carsick don’t get sick if they’re driving! being able to get fresh air also helps many people, as well as focusing on the horizon if possible. some people prone to motion sickness will also experience the opposite when sitting still but watching movement onscreen like in a video game. likewise, reading or looking at a still object for long while moving can trigger motion sickness, even in people who are less prone to it otherwise.

[ttuesday]

How would the VDL gang comfort you if you’re in pain? 🥺🥺🥺 (I’ve always wondered this don’t judge me lmao)

oooo this is a good one!!! I also got another similar ask about how the gang help someone with chronic pain so cause they're kinda similar I'm gonna mash the two of them together so I don't repeat myself! Hope the other anon doesn’t mind <3

Arthur

Arthur would find a way to blame himself. He tells himself that he should have been more prepared, that he should’ve properly assessed all the risks or that he should have somehow seen this coming.

He mutters all of this as he helps you. If you got shot or hurt while out on a job, Arthur immediately tends to your wounds. No matter what happened to make you feel such pain, Arthur stays by your side and tries his best to help.

He gently takes your hand and kisses it. “You’re gonna be alright,” he says “I can’t take the pain away but I promise you’ll be ok”. 

Dutch

Dutch hates to see you in pain. This is one of the few things he can’t control and he despises it. After a few seconds of shock, he starts helping you.

Dutch is aware he isn’t a doctor, so he takes you to the closest person who has more medical knowledge than him. He wants someone who knows what they’re doing to help you.

”Well, it looks like you’ll be taking it easy for the next few days” he says, a relieved smile on his face. Dutch is secretly freaking out the entire time you’re in pain but he puts on a brave face and acts calm.

Charles

Charles tries his best to stay calm as a way of keeping you calm. He knows that the worst thing to do now is panic because that will only make everything worse. 

If he has to bandage up any wounds, he makes sure to talk you through every little thing he does. While he does that, he asks Arthur to go collect some herbs so he can make a natural health tonic.

As he lifts the cup filled with the tonic up to your lips, he tells you “It’s important for you to rest now, you need to give your body time to heal”.

John

John wants to know all about how you got into this situation. The more he knows, the more he can help. John suggests a lot of ways to help ease the pain but not a lot of them are amazing methods.

John timidly runs his hand through your hair, scared that the simple action might cause you more pain. You’re like a delicate flower to him and he’s worried he might accidently do something that will cause you to be in more pain.

“Does that hurt? Christ, y-you scared the shit out of me, you know that?” he gives a small, nervous laugh as he continues fidget with your hair.

Javier

Javier is terrified. He can’t lose you, that’s not an option for him. Even if it’s only a small cut, Javier will act like you just got stabbed with a katana. 

Javier is very serious about your well-being so he has no problem ordering people around and threatening whoever says he’s making a big deal about it.

He stays with you until you feel better. Javier doesn’t care if it’ll take a day, week or even a month. You’re his main priority. “You’ll get through this,” he smiles weakly “you need to get through this, I... I need you”.

Sadie

Sadie stays realistic and honest. If she’s unsure of what to do, she’ll tell you and hope you’ll give her some instructions. 

If you have a wound that needs bandaging, Sadie will do it in an instant or if you just need to be held until the pain passes then Sadie can do that too.

“The pain might not fade for another few hours but you’re strong, I know you’ll be back on your feet in the next day or two” she confidently says as she holds you close.

Bill

Bill goes straight into army mode. He’s heavy handed, so Bill may accidently worsen the pain from time to time but he’s trying his best to fix you any way he can. 

He commands the others to go get you some water and extra blankets while Bill continues to help relieve some of the pain for you.

He’ll need you to tell him everything will be ok. Bill desperately needs to hear you say that. “Y-yeah, you’ll be ok... I’ll make sure of it” he nods to himself.

Micah

Micah’s frustrated and angry. He doesn’t understand why this has to happen. Secretly he thinks this is some higher power’s way of getting revenge on him for all the wrongdoings he’s done. 

He yells at everyone, lectures you for being in pain, and nearly punches Bill for asking how you were. But from the way his hand slightly trembled when he brought it up to pinch the bridge of his nose, you knew he was only lashing out because he was scared. 

“I told you, ya gotta be careful,” he huffs as he gets up to get you a glass of water “now don’t move while I’m gone, knowing you you’ll probably end up cracking your goddamn skull open”.

Hosea

Hosea stays calm. He’s seen a lot in his time, so he knows how to deal with a lot. 

As a way to try and distract you from the pain, Hosea tells you stories about old heists and cons he did. He talks to you throughout it, asking you questions and telling you stories.

“I know you’re hurting but you’re handling this so well, reminds me of the first time John fell off his horse” he smiles softly “he didn’t stop complaining about that for months”.

Sean

Inside Sean’s brain, there are mini Sean’s running around and screaming while everything is on fire. He’s like a deer in headlights, and Sean makes it very clear to you that he’s panicking. 

“Right, ok, fuck, shit... uh ok I think I put pressure where it hurts, right? I think that works, shit, let’s try it anyways and you tell me if it’s making everything worse, yeah?”.

If your pain exceeds his incredible medical knowledge then he’ll let someone else look at it... but he will be watching over their shoulder and questioning every little thing they do.

[bigskydreaming]

I kinda wanna fucking scream, so here, have a offline bullshit rant post.

So I’ve literally been trying to get my stupid fucking meds for over a MONTH now at this point, which I’m sure you can all see like, my mood is just wooooonderful these days. Not an excuse, casual reminder that yeah you do gotta take care of your own space so if my mood is dragging anyone down, I’m totes on board with blocking or unfollowing or y’know, burning me in effigy or something. Okay maybe not that last part. But still. You get it. And its not even that like, I need mood stabilizers per se, lol, so shout out to the armchair diagnosticians helpfully peppering my inbox still in their quest to oh so slickly be like ‘hey you’re a hot mess, take your hot messness away from tumblr’ like lol, didn’t ask.....nah, its mostly the perpetual lack of sleep and chronic pain issues that I have zero distraction from when my specific combo of meds isn’t able to let me actually weaponize my ADHD properly and power through that. Its a whole thing. Whatever. Just go with it.

POINT IS. So I’ve been trying to do this for over a month now, first obstacle was even just getting the money together for my refill appointment which is a whopping $150, because I have to pay out of pocket for mental health stuff these days because I had to switch my insurance over to something that paid out more heavily for physical benefits like my jaw surgery.....and because of the pandemic, and how many psychiatrists in my area and that I could actually reach aren’t taking new patients during the pandemic since most of them are conducting business virtually still, like, I have barely any resources for seeking out and trying new psychiatrist offices in the meanwhile that might charge less and I’m kinda stuck with the one I have because the last thing I can afford is to have like, NO psychiatrist at the moment, y’know?

So first I had to have that to even BOOK the appointment, which took forever because rent and food are a joy to accrue when you can barely manage to function as an actual employee of the capitalist machine ahfsklhflkahflakf, but so then I did that and like, got an appointment put on the books for August 19th. That was the soonest they could fit me in back when I paid them for my appointment about a week and a half ago. No, two weeks ago now? Eh, time is fake. ANYWAY, so that wasn’t gonna work for me, so basically the entirety of last week was devoted to constantly calling and trying to check in every other hour to see if they had any sooner cancellations I could take, because for whatever fucking reason, they just ‘don’t do’ a cancellation list wherein they call the next person on the list once they have a cancellation. Whatever.

So finally got a cancellation slot with a virtual appointment last Saturday night at random as fuck 8:40. Okay cool. Most of my refills are fairly simple, no real changes, but two are controlled substances so like, they have to do their due diligence and go through the proper protocols before giving me another prescription to one or whatever. Fine. Okay.

So I call the CVS they sent the prescription for my ADHD med to, the very next morning. One of the controlled substances, and the key med to like....making me functional instead of a rambling disjointed whirlibird of a thought emitter. Problem is, that medication is on back order. Won’t be in until Tuesday. Ugh. Okay, fine. Nothing I can do about it, because while the specific provider I spoke to in order to GET my refill prescriptions was taking an appointment the night before, the actual offices that schedule appointments and connect patients through to their providers was closed for the weekend, so I couldn’t even ask for them to send the scrip somewhere else.

SO. I go back to the CVS on Monday, hoping that maybe it came in early because not like I can do much else in the meanwhile. Course its not there, but oh well. I toy with the idea of calling to ask my provider to send the scrip to a different pharmacy (only had it sent to this one cuz its within walking distance to me, and since I can’t drive for medical reasons and Uber’s are expensive as fuck, just for errands, like, even though walking is sooooo not fun for me physically, like it is what it is). I decide against it because here’s another fun fact about this controlled substance....for security reasons, pharmacies don’t have to tell people over the phone if they have it in stock or not. Like, they won’t just say no we don’t have it in stock - I mean, they WILL say that, but that doesn’t actually mean anything because that’s what most of them say about that particular medication no matter whether or not they DO, and then just cite security protocols, so you have to actually GO to the store in question to ask them and even get a real answer to whether or not they even HAVE it in stock to FILL a prescription if its sent over. And no, the provider won’t just send scrips into several different pharmacies at once and just be whichever has it in stock can fill it - because again, controlled substance.

SO. I decide its not worth it to try getting the scrip sent over somewhere else, because I’d have to at least waste money on an Uber to even travel to various pharmacies and even check if they CAN fill it sooner than this one, when at least this place will have it in tomorrow. Its just one more day at this point.

Except then I go back on Tuesday. Oh sorry, don’t know why that other person told you we’d have our order in today, our shipments of that medication don’t come in until Wednesdays.

So I go back Wednesday. Success! They have it in stock. I go to pay, pulling out my goodRx coupon that was just printed out that morning, specifically citing the price for CVS at Target. The pharmacy manager says sorry, we don’t honor that coupon here for controlled substances like this one. I say: record scratch? He’s like yeah, that’s at the discretion of individual pharmacies, and we don’t honor that price for this specific medication, because we don’t want to attract customers only coming here to get that medication filled for that price. (This pharmacy is right at the edge of Inglewood and Culver City, for anyone who is familiar with those neighborhoods. The implications are exactly as they appear to be). So I’m like, what’s the regular generic price? He quotes me something that’s $180 more than the coupon, and thus $180 more than I have since I was focused totally on getting THIS amount ASAP, so I could get these meds so I could do more work and make more money. You see the train of thought. I’m like well that’s awesome, I don’t have anything close to that. Hey. Weird question. Why did nobody I talked to the past three days in a row that I’ve walked into this store in person to request this refill, like, mention this little tidbit about not honoring this coupon so instead of waiting for a backorder that would do me no good, I could have been spending that time having my prescription transferred somewhere that WOULD honor it?

He’s like, well did you mention to any of them that you’d be using a goodRx coupon for this particular medication? I said, yup. He said, you sure? I said well the specific process each time was I came in, I asked if this medication was in, they said what’s your name and date of birth, I provided that info, they said are you paying out of pocket, we don’t have valid insurance info for this on file for you, I said yup paying out of pocket with a goodRx coupon, they said *clickety clack of the keyboard* nope, sorry, we won’t have this medicine in until Tuesday, I mean Wednesday. 

He’s like, well you must be misremembering or they would have told you at the time that we don’t take GoodRx coupons on this medication. I’m like, dude, it was you. It was literally you that I spoke to two of those three times, right here at the counter, in person. I’m gonna go ahead and trust my memory of those interactions and what was said there over yours since you don’t actually remember having talked to me two times in the last three days. He’s like, I gotta go help another customer. There is no other customer. I leave. Fun day for everyone.

So then I call around town to at least check which CVS will actually honor the coupon I have and the price that I can afford to pay it at. I don’t bother asking if they even have the medication in stock because I know its not guaranteed to be a CORRECT answer, but at least I can see who accepts this damn coupon. Also, reason I’m only trying big brand pharmacies instead of smaller, hole in the wall ones is because again, controlled substance, and I know from experience that the bigger brand pharmacies are at least more likely to have that med in stock whereas most smaller ones tend to run out very quickly as they usually only get enough for their existing/regular customers and a little extra.

I find a CVS five miles away - not walkable, gonna have to Uber. Call my psychiatrist office again to ask them to transfer the scrip, front office says they’ll send the request to my provider, who usually checks and fulfills such requests in 24-48 hours. I’m like okay cool, can I get a phone call to let me know when that happens, so at least I know when to check back to follow up if it hasn’t happened yet for whatever reason? They’re like no, the pharmacy will send you a text or call when they get the prescription sent over and you can take it from there with them. I’m like okay, but I’ve done this a bunch of times and know from experience the pharmacy does NOT in fact always call or text, so is there a certain time to follow up to inquire if the provider has already sent the scrip and the pharmacy SHOULD have it by now or if the delay is on the provider’s end? Front office is like yeah no. I’m like, swell.

So that was yesterday. I call the pharmacy (which I still don’t even know if they have the medication IN STOCK to fill the scrip even once they GET the scrip, and won’t until I can actually Uber out there, but one thing at a time at this point) at like 9 pm, they’re a 24 hour pharmacy, and they’re like nope, we got nothing (this is after spending an hour and a half on hold to even TALK to someone at the pharmacy). Called them again today at noon, still nada. Technically I have another 29 hours before the window in which the provider is supposed to send the refill scrip to this new location, before I can be like, okay so they still haven’t done it, can we send him a nudge or another request. The 24-48 hour window will only actually EXPIRE after their offices close on Friday meaning it’ll be Monday before I can even actually REACH someone again to ask them to send the scrip again, if the pharmacy hasn’t ACTUALLY gotten it by Friday night, and pessimistically, I’m not super inclined to assume that they will at this point. 

I’m antsy, irritable, hungry because I don’t even know for SURE sure if the new pharmacy will ACTUALLY honor the coupon or say no sorry we don’t do that here either, whoever told you that was wrong, or if they’ll even actually have it in stock versus I’ll have to have it sent somewhere else AGAIN, so I have to pinch every penny possible in order to ensure I have the most money possible once my prescription IS filled in case the price is more than I expected again or in case I have to take Ubers there or further than I expected or basically....shit happens that I don’t expect. And this is what I’m basically spending all my time doing instead of working, because trying to get work done in this state is like....the harder I try to make it happen, the less it actually gets done, so I try and prioritize this and its roadblock after roadblock dragging out and wasting my time, and like yeah, I can post and shit while I’m doing this aka sitting on hold or walking around town trying to get shit filled because its fine if I ramble incoherently along the way in posts, but actual WORK work requires like....fucking coherency and succinctness and not having to stop and start every five minutes to call someone else, and oh yeah, being able to power through migraine spikes. And just.

I’m very annoyed about anything and everything to do with this shit. The hoops you have to jump through to even get the stuff that like....actualizes your hoop jumping ability, is just....*gnashing of teeth*

Anyway. So that’s my offline bullshit rant. Yay. The end.