#and I’d keep saying to the hospital every 4 years or so when I’d burn out that I felt like there was a handbook for being a person that I

[mightymizora]

Sometimes I see those autism polls and posts and I get a flash of “it was wilful and deliberate that they didn’t diagnose me as a child”

Then I remember my age and that barely any girls were diagnosed at all, and that even I didn’t clock it until my thirties.

[randogirlo-fando-main]

Steven Hyde x Reader

Y'all I'm already halfway done with the next part so hopefully this is good

Word count:4.2k+ (Aka my longest piece yet)

Warnings, swearing, smoking, making out, slight sexual themes

Point Place, Wisconsin

April 5th, 1977

7:38pm

Location: Eric Forman's Basement

The sounds of Gilligan’s Island fill the basement from the television, smoke in the air as you all sit in the usual circle.

“It runs on water man! I swear you guys just don’t get it.” Hyde huffs, everyone kind of spacing out on their own highs.

“No we get it Hyde, we just also hear it every time we get in this damn circle.” You say, giggling at Donna playing with her hair.

“(Y/n), do you have any candy on you?” Fez clasps his hands together, begging for a yes.

“Of course Fez, someone has to keep you fed.” You throw him a pack of milk duds before throwing a second one to Kelso, already seeing the look in his eyes.

“Man (Y/n), if you weren’t always playing hard to get I’d totally do you.”

“It’s not playing hard to get if I don’t want you dumbass.” You punch his shoulder next to you as he dramatically leans back.

“That hurt!” You smile at him before flicking his nose in response.

“You know, if you’re not careful you’re gonna turn into Red.” Forman looks at you, nodding softly to himself.

“Actually I think your mom is who I want to be when I grow up. Minus the whore daughter and smart mouthed son.” Hyde lifts his arm for a high five to which you give him in pride.

“BURN!” Kelso yells, laughing uncontrollably despite the fact it wasn’t even that good of a burn, just the first time you’ve ever retaliated.

“She’s coming along nicely right? I’m teaching her everything I know.”

When you met the group, you were this quiet 13 year old that had just moved to Point Place from Louisiana. Donna had been the first to approach you, giving you a verbal invitation to join her for lunch. Ever since, you’ve been there for all the shenanigans they’ve done. Usually playing mom for the group to keep them from actually dying. You can safely say you were not there the last time Kelso fell off the water tower otherwise all the pain of a hospital trip and Eric walking in on his parents doing the nasty would’ve not been necessary. The last year, you’ve been tired of being so quiet and reserved around the general public. Hyde offered you an apprenticeship of zen, though you mostly smoke and talk.

“Only took 4 years but here she is, blossoming into a degenerate.” Donna grabs your shoulders like a proud mom, shaking you slightly. Almost instantly the door to the basement swings open, Jackie darting in and standing in front of the TV.

“Donna, (Y/n) are you two ready or not? I’ve been waiting next door listening to Bob sing.” She cringes before walking closer to the couch and pulling you both up by one arm.

“For such a tiny little thing you sure are strong.” You spat, tinge of annoyance in your voice.

“We’re supposed to be having girls night! Facials, manicures, the whole works and instead you’re down here with the boys doing god knows what.” She huffs tapping her foot.

“Relax Jackie, we just needed a circle session to prepare for this.” You say, dramatically gesturing between the girls and you.

“We better go before Jackie drags us out.” Donna gives Eric a kiss goodbye before us three go next door for a night at Donna’s.

There's a moment of silence in the basement, interrupted by Eric clearing his throat.

“Soo, my room has a perfect view of the girls’ sleepover.” Eric points upstairs before all the boys jump up from the couch to head upstairs, hoping to steal a peek at what the girls are doing.

“Donna, remind me to buy your dad pajama pants for Christmas.” You shiver recalling her dad in just a robe and underwear. You all three sit on Donna’s bed as Jackie ruffles through the bag she brought.

“Okay since I know whatever you’re using doesn’t work I brought face masks from home.” Donna pushes Jackie over on the bed as you look through the options. As you all apply the masks in silence, Donna puts music on since she was the first to finish hers.

“So (n/n), any guys? Maybe a secret lover?” Donna shimmies her shoulders in an over-the-top way causing a laugh from you as the blush spreads through your face.

“I mean, I haven’t actually had a crush since we were sophomores. There may be one developing though so we shall see.” You grab one of the stuffed animals Jackie brought, pulling it to your body to hide yourself.

“Well who is this contender? This is history making!” Jackie grabs your shoulders to look up at her.

“I wouldn’t say that-“

“You haven’t had a love life for over two years. I mean there was the one from the house party I brought you to but that was it and it was only one night.” You dig yourself more into the stuffed animal.

“You guys are gonna scream if I say though. Maybe not angry scream but definitely scream.” Their eyes widen as they look between each other and you.

“OH MY GOD IT’S HYDE!” Jackie screams, making you clamp a hand over her mouth.

“Shut the hell up please, we already know the boys are gonna try to sneak in or something like they always do.” You say in a hushed tone, brows furrowed and face bright red.

“Oh my god it is Hyde!” Donna says, grabbing your face with both hands.

“Tell us everything.” You nod as she lets go of you, about to spill all the little moments and stolen glances.

“Dude, what do you think they’re talking about?” Eric says, trying his hardest to hear through the walls.

“I don’t know but- OH JACKIE IS ABOUT TO KISS (Y/N) I REPEAT JACKIE IS ABOU- Oh she was just grabbing her by the shoulders.” Kelso had the binoculars, watching their every move.

“They’re probably talking about boys, or how attracted they are to each other. Look how pink (Y/n) is.” Fez says, eating the popsicle he grabbed from the basement.

“Wait, is- GUYS DONNA IS GONNA KISS (Y/N)!” They all scurry to get closer the window before seeing her pull away.

“Damn why do they keep doing that!?”

“Okay there’s definitely something going on. Jackie isn’t talking at all!”

“Whatever (L/n)'s saying must be really good.” Hyde looks at your side profile, taking in the pink settling through your face and how fast you're talking.

“I'm definitely not his type though, I mean you remember that biker chick. He almost ran away with her!" Donna shakes her head at you.

"Dude you're the only person he doesn't mess with."

"Because I'm the least annoying in the group." Jackie scoffs as you giggle at her.

"Oh please you run around playing mom, that's annoying enough."

"Hey I make it safe fun, you make it no fun. Constant 'don't do that Michael, you're all idiots' it's so annoying. News flash, they're still gonna do it! " She pulls your hair and before you can retaliate, Donna is pushing down to the bed.

"Okay then how about we go see what movies are on?" The redhead exclaims, dragging you both off her bed.

"What's up losers?" You say as you barge into the basement, grocery bags in hand.

"What did you bring?" A smirk comes across your face before putting all but one bag down.

"Just a little something for everyone. First, Fez here's some family size skittles." You present them dramatically before throwing the bag to the boy.

"Okay next we have Frito's, potato chips, Pringles, chocolate for Donna specifically because I love you, some Jackie approved soda since it's never here, and beer!" As everyone grabs at the pile of food, you stand there accomplished. You make your way to sit on the floor before Hyde gets up without a word and sits on the arm of the couch. Your brows furrow at him before he motions for you to sit down in his chair. You reluctantly sit, everyone freezing at the sight.

"Why are you in Hyde's chair?" Fez asks, popping a skittle in his mouth.

"More importantly, why did Hyde give up his chair?" Eric's eyes go wide as a lightbulb goes off in his head.

"Wa-" Before he could even finish a word, Donna is elbowing him in the side to shut him up.

"No way, they're doing it!" Kelso exclaims, pointing back and forth at you both. Hyde punches him in the shoulder, causing a pained 'ow' to come from the boy.

"Oh my god it's a damn chair. Hyde take your chair back." You stand up and move to the floor, arms crossed over your chest. Of course, the guys don't miss the pink flush to your cheeks.

"Nah, I'm good right here." Hyde replies shortly, taking a drink of his beer. As you and Hyde have a staring contest between you and the empty chair, the group is looking at you two like animals in a zoo.

"And here we have the female lioness, asserting her dominance as the male tries to feign attraction." Eric speaks, in a somewhat terrible accent.

"You know what, I'm going to spend time with someone who appreciates my presents and my presence." You smile as you stand up, grabbing the only item left in the grocery bag.

"Oh Mrs. Formannnn~" You yell, running up the stairs. A silence cuts through the basement as everyone stares at Hyde.

"You guys are morons." Hyde sighs, going back to his spot.

"You totally like her!" Jackie yells, a smile on her face.

"Whatever." He leans back, drinking his beer.

"Oh (Y/n) marry me and have my babies!" Fez says as Kelso pretends to kiss someone. Hyde gets up and punches them both in the shoulder before heading to his room. Once Donna hears his bedroom door close, she looks at everyone remaining in frustration.

"If you guys don't stop teasing those two, they will never get together! I mean come on we've seen this coming for a year now." Eric furrows his brows at the girl, confused.

"Wait, you knew they liked each other for a year and didn't tell me?"

"Eric, they've never admitted it. It's just obvious." Fez states, finishing the last of that big bag.

"Actually, we finally got (Y/n) to admit to it kind of. She tried to say it's not a crush yet."

"Well can't we just tell Hyde she likes him so he makes a move?" Kelso scoffs at Eric, making Eric slowly look at the dummy.

"Of course not!"

"That's not a bad idea, but we can't just tell him. After that, we have to figure out a way to get them alone together." Donna adds, trying to figure out how they can execute this plan.

You were currently driving to the Forman's to pick the girls up for a nice dinner which Jackie weirdly offered to pay for. Apparently Donna's parents have been at it again, so she needs an escape. As you park and get out you realize Forman isn't home. You go through the basement door rather loudly.

"Where's my girls?" You call out, waiting for a response. When there was none, you look around confused on their absence. You plop yourself on the couch assuming maybe they're late.

"What are you doing here?" You jump before turning around and seeing the curly headed boy you've grown accustomed to.

"Donna and Jackie were supposed to meet me here to go get dinner but I guess they're late. Or forgot?" You huff, crossing your arms across your chest.

"So that's why you're all dressed up." He decides to turn the tv on before sitting in his chair. You realize a slight shift in his energy as he stares off into the tv, not paying any attention to the show.

"You okay?" He glances over at you before looking back at screen, sighing.

"Yep. Wanna smoke?" You nod and move closer to the arm of the couch. Before long he's back to his usual self, albeit still quiet.

"I can't believe they had me wear a skirt just to not show up for our plans." You huff, leaning on the arm of the couch closer to him.

"Well you look good, we don't see you in skirts a lot." He opens the beer can he got from his hiding spot and took a sip. You feel the heat rise to your face and suddenly you can't stop staring at him.

"Thanks I guess, I usually have to be careful with what I wear around the two pervs. Ever since Kelso got a peek under my homecoming dress freshmen year, I said no short skirts ever again. And thank god Fez doesn't know where I live." He chuckles at that last part giving a nod in agreement.

"I don't think I've been to your place either." He states, looking back at you.

"I mean the only pro is smoking in my room, but that's because it's the attic. You'll have to come over sometime."

"Guess I do." Your eyes drift to his lips and you feel his hand lightly hold your knee.

"I think I want to kiss you." Hyde finally admits, rubbing circles into your knee.

"I think I want you to." He leans in as you close your eyes, feeling him press his lips to yours. You slowly move in sync, trying to lean in closer. His tongue glides against your lips and you part your lips, a sigh escaping you. His hand moves to the side of your neck, tilting your head up as he stands to move next to you on the couch. He pulls away, both of you slightly out of breath.

"Is this okay?" He whispers, you nod in response due to your words failing you. This time you lean in, bringing him into a passionate and deep kiss. He leans you back on the couch as he kisses down your jaw to your neck. A small moan escapes your lips when he lightly bites at the place your shoulder and neck meet, his hand lightly rubbing your exposed waist.

“Steven honey, dinner is ready!” You both quickly pull away from each other, praying she doesn’t come downstairs. Your breathing is jagged as you fix your skirt.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Hyde speaks up, looking at you with a smirk.

“Y-yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He kisses you one last time, knocking the wind out of you before heading upstairs. As if right on cue, Donna and Jackie come through the basement door.

“Hey, you ready for dinner?” Donna asks, both trying to hide the smiles on their faces.

“Where have you two been!? I’ve been waiting an hour.” They both smile at you, a knowing look on their faces.

“Oh shoot, we must have given you the wrong time! Well doesn’t matter, looks like you had fun.” As Jackie giggles to herself Donna sits next to you, wondering how you’re blushing even more.

“What are you t-talking about? I’ve just been sitting here.”

“Mhm, and what’s that on your neck?” Jackie grills, making your eyes widen. Your focus shifting between the two girls, staring at their smiling faces. A sigh of defeat leaves you.

“Damn I’m not getting out of this huh?” They drag you off the couch, heading out the door to finally get dinner.

The next day as you stood on the driveway of the Forman’s house you grew nervous to enter. Unfortunately your new buddy on your neck was barely budging with makeup, so the boys are going to see it. Deciding you’d rather not run into Kitty or Red, you head towards the basement door. As you enter, you quickly dart to the couch with a wave. You look up and see just Donna and Eric next to you, his eyes wide.

“Hey uh (Y/n), what’s going on?” His eyes dart between your neck and eyes, trying hard not to stare.

“Not much, I slept in thanks to that dinner last night. That food was crazy.” You look at Donna, reminiscing on crème brulée and crab Rangoon.

“N-not much, cool cool. Hey what’s on your neck there?” The smile on his face is slappable as you smile back.

“What’s it look like?” You test him, waiting for him to crack.

“It looks like a hickey, now who would be giving you a hickey?” He taps his finger against his chin before pointing at you.

“Could it be our very own Hyde?” Your eyes widen slightly before you instantly go back to your smile, this time leaning in a little to meet his face in front of Donna.

“Why don’t you ask him?” You push his forehead away from you hard, earning a groan from the skinny boy.

“You guys act like siblings more than Eric and Laurie.” Donna laughs, pulling her boyfriend back down on the couch before he could go ask Hyde. Like clockwork, Hyde comes downstairs, sodas in hand.

“I don’t know why I had to go get these.” He huffs, putting them on the table before realizing you’re here. He sits down on his chair, staring at you before giving a nod. You smile at him, leaning on the arm of the chair.

What you don’t see is Forman’s shit-eating grin because he was definitely right. Before he can say so however, Kelso and Jackie are barging in already arguing. It doesn’t take long for it to stop when Kelso sees you.

“Oh man Hyde that’s gotta burn!” He laughs, Jackie stepping on his foot.

“Kelso, shut up.” Hyde tries to keep his smirk down, but it slips easily.

“Come on just a few days ago you were offering her your chair and now she comes here with a hickey!” You’re bright red at this point, begging anyone with your eyes to get him to shut up.

“Kelso think about that very slowly. The day with the chair, remember anything else that happened? Like maybe yesterday?” Donna speaks like he’s a preschooler, which kind of works. You watch the wheels turn in his head, gears shifting as he looks between everyone before gasping.

“Oh my god, they’re doing it!” Kelso jumps earning a slap on the shoulder from Jackie.

“Kelso, we’re not doing it.” Hyde huffs, annoyed with all his friends.

“…yet.” You mumble, only Donna and Hyde hearing you.

“What so-“

“Kelso shut the hell up and sit down.” He sighs and sits on the arm of the couch closest to the chair Jackie is in.

“Where’s Fezzy boy?” You ask, not feeling the usual feeling of him staring.

“He should be here soon, something about his foster parents trying to get him baptized.” Eric speaks up, clearly amused. You giggle a little at the thought before resting your head in your hand propped on the couch arm.

“You okay?” Donna asks, getting Hyde’s attention. She rubs your shoulder a little for comfort as your head sinks into your hand.

“Just tired, you think Kitty would let me go sleep in Laurie’s room since she’s ‘scouting schools with a girlfriend’ or will Red stop her?” You smile lazily at Donna, earning a laugh from her.

“With that hickey, I think she’d stop you for questioning first.” You sigh and sit up straight, trying to wake up a little.

“Maybe circle time will wake you up.” Eric interjects, shaking a brown baggie.

“Dude, anyone tell you you have bug eyes?” You giggle and poke at Eric’s face.

“And she’s awake!” He grabs your finger and puts it down, chuckling at you.

“You know, I never saw you as a hickey girl (Y/n), thought you must’ve been a prude if you didn’t want me.” Both Hyde and Jackie punch either arm, causing Kelso to jerk back in his chair.

“You started the circle without me!?” Fez sits on the floor in front of you, pouting slightly.

“Sorry man, she was totally about to fall asleep.” Donna says, braiding a small section of your hair. You giggle and pat the boy in front of you’s head.

“(Y/n) come here.” Hyde says in a low tone, everyone else talking amongst themselves. You lean in closer to hear him.

“What’s up?” You try to look at his eyes through the sunglasses with no luck.

“Why don’t you come sit with me? Just so no one’s on the floor you know?” You blush as you look at him.

“A-are you sure?” He nods and you stand, tapping Fez to take your spot. Once he sits on the couch, you sit on the edge of Hyde’s lap. Soon, he’s pulling you into him, keeping an arm around your waist while the other lays on your knee. Your friends all stare but say nothing, not wanting to scare you off like last time. It would be hard though when all you can concentrate on is the feeling of his warm skin on yours and his breath fanning your neck.

“When did this happen?” Fez asks, mostly excited but slightly sad as well.

“Last night.” Hyde responds, causing a blush on your face as you look around the room for reactions.

“We’ll still have our weekly dinners, right (N/n)?” The boy on the couch asks you, making you rub his shoulder and smile.

“You mean us going to the candy store and spending way too much just to eat it all in one night? Yes fez, I’m not abandoning our sugar addiction.” He pumps his fist and is all smiles now.

“I didn’t know you and Fez were close?” Hyde asks you, rubbing your knee.

“Yeah, gotta make sure you boys aren’t tainting him. Specifically Kelso.” He nods and leaves a peck on your cheek.

“Okay I know we planned this but did we think about us having to be around it?” Jackie asks, huffing as kelso laughs.

“Jackie how many times have one of us walked in on you and Michael smacking on the couch?” You say, shuddering slightly at the memory.

“She’s got you there babe.” Kelso smiles at her before she slaps his shoulder.

“What so are you guys official? Or just messing around?” Donna asks, before realizing this conversation is missing something.

“You know what you come with me.” Donna points at you and ushers you both up the stairs.

“Donna why did we need to go upstairs for this?”

“Is that my favorite daughter?" you hear kitty in the other room and your eyes go wide. As you’re lead to the kitchen, kitty looks at you and instantly her smile is wider and she’s clapping and laughing.

“Finally you two happened! I’m assuming the plan worked?” Kitty asks Donna, receiving a nod from the redhead.

“Wait you had Mrs. kitty help you?”

“Just had her call Hyde up so we could be alone with you for the interrogation.” You all three sit at the dining table, kitty putting out cookies that you gladly take.

“So, are you two official?” Kitty asks, pushing the cookies closer to you.

“I mean I guess not? We didn’t talk about it. We were just watching tv while I waited for the girls, and he said he wanted to kiss me.” You take another cookie.

“But he’s practically all over you. At least as much as Hyde can be.” Donna says, looking at Kitty.

“He told her to share his chair so Fez could sit on the couch instead of the floor.” Kitty gasps and claps in excitement again.

“Honey he is smitten, he never cares about the boys’ comfort.” You think about it before the pink comes back to your face again today. If you keep blushing it may end up permanent.

“I mean I know he’s not good at talking about feelings, so I don’t wanna ask. I’d rather just let it happen.” You grab a third cookie before standing up, ready to head back downstairs.

Little did you know, Jackie was leading the interrogation downstairs, knowing the boys would mess it up somehow.

“So Hyde, are you gonna ask her out or what?” She asks, the boys looking between her and Hyde.

“I don’t know man.” He shrugs, causing Jackie to stand up.

“Well you gotta figure it out. If you actually like her you have to ask her. I know Michael and Eric told you how (Y/n) feels and I may not like her but she’s better company than you and I don’t want her all sad when we’re supposed to be talking about me!”

“She doesn’t seem sad to me.” You walk down the stairs, cookie still in hand.

“I’m back!” You move to sit with Hyde again, ignoring the empty spot Donna was in.

“Wait there’s cookies?” Fez and Kelso instantly stand up, dragging Jackie and Eric with them.

“Man they’re annoying.” Hyde sighs, stealing a pinch of cookie.

“Yep, we have pretty annoying friends. And family, apparently Kitty was in on it.” You look at him, leaning his head back over the chair. He looks back up at you and draws circles into your waist.

“Oh well, wanna go to the hub?” The look in his eyes is a tad newer, slight worry and suddenly you realize he’s asking you out.

“Little cliche but I’ll let it slide. Come on.” You stand from his lap and lean down to give him a kiss as you pull him up. The smile on your face says everything as he wraps his arm around you and lead you to the door.

[fakeboitherottengirl]

Why do u refer to your gal friend as your soulmate if you’re dating B?

We had been sexually active since a friend of her family showed us how when we were in kindergarten and started producing cp of us and a younger neighbor boy. She has no memory of our childhood nor does she have access to this blog and I’d never burden her with the memory but we were sexually active until like 4th grade when somebody told us what gay was and it was a bad thing but we would still keep a notebook that we would pass full of graphic sexual torture porn art (this was grade 3-4) and we would always play out violent sexual scenarios and child abuse scenarios of our dolls and would burn things together in her yard bc her mom was a neglectful drunk but also one of the warmest people I’ve ever known and we were best friends until she essentially cast me aside and turned on me in middle school to win the affection of another girl and her and my old friends made my life hell for being autistic (we didn’t have the word for it but we knew I was different) and then she spent most of middle school and high school in hospitals but I reunited with her senior year and we shared a magical last semester and summer and then were torn apart by school. But we can talk telepathically I can tell when she’s thinking of me I carry all memory of our childhood which for the most part was magical she remembers nothing before we started hanging out again senior year and I will never tell her anything but she also had a violent brother in his 20s and another who showed us “Berserk” when we were like 10 and had pictures of naked women on his walls and a rodent in a Tupperware container that we watched decompose over the years. She is home. I love her. I’m committed to B physically but she and I literally cowered together as children that’s a bond that lasts forever. I’d do anything for her. She is part of me. We are not sexually involved but she is my soulmate as much as B is just in a different way. I love her with the same unconditional honesty that I love my mother. She’s the first person I ever saw make a dandelion crown. We used to build homes for faeries in the sandbox. Idk, soulmate is the only word that really fits. Best friend is such a transient term like if u asked me who my best friend is I’d say Chaya she’s the first person I tell things to she’s the person I hang with most she’s the most immediate closest person in my life other than B but my soulmate is different we can not talk for months and it’s just still there we are part of one another in a way, we are fragments of the same celestial being, I trusted her so much that I climbed into the trunk of her mans car to drive to a rave with him knowing we were cheating and I went with it because I knew she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I know the healthy-people term for it is trauma-bonding but I like to think of us as soldiers who survived the same trenches. We spent a lot of time together in each other’s chaotic abusive households with my mother desperate to give her a strong Christian backbone while my dad tried to drunkenly indoctrinate us into neo nazism and her sister constantly burdened with distracting us from her mothers and brothers episodes we sort of lived each other’s traumas, there’s nobody who really knows what it was like but us even if she doesn’t remember it all, she’s still the only other human who has seen me in every light and decided to still love me anyway, and at the same time she is the person who showed me what hate and hurt were when she left but when she came back it was like the clouds finally parted and I could see the sun. It’s complicated.

[wandaromanova]

Lost

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Warnings: mentions of cancer, death, cussing

A/N: hello! i’d like to put a disclaimer that i am not in any way knowledgeable of the medical field and all of the terminology and information used in this fic was found through research! happy reading <3

anon requested: hiiiii !! can i request like an angst into fluff natxfem!reader one shot where the reader has a really bad day and takes it out on nat and hurts her feelings and so they go to bed angry. but the reader realizes their mistake and the next morning just wakes her up by showering her with love and then takes the whole day to do cute little date things with her? like making her favorite meal or like dancing in the kitchen to their favorite song late at night or just super fluffy things? if not, that’s okay!! have a good day <3

Summary: The heavy weight of her profession gets to Y/N and she takes her anger out on her loving girlfriend; Natasha Romanoff.

Word Count: 3K | navigation

please do not repost or try and take ownership of my work. reblogs, likes, and comments are always welcome. <3

Becoming a doctor was no easy feat.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

Once high school is completed, one must receive your bachelor’s degree before taking the MCAT exam and applying to medical school. After four years of medical school, you must endure a year as an intern before being promoted to a resident. 

Depending on what specialty one has selected, residency can span from three to seven years. Fellowships follow after but are typically an optional course that provides extra training. 

Yes, there are a lot of necessary steps to take in order to set foot into the medical world, but somehow, the years of foreplay could never compare to being a full-fledged physician; and you knew this all too well.

You are a pediatric oncologist and your job was to diagnose and provide treatment to children and teenagers who had cancer. You specialized in hematology; the treatment of blood disorders.

You were the head of pediatric oncology in a Manhattan hospital. You dealt with a lot of patients, but a two-year-old little girl named Sarah was secretly your favorite. 

Despite being diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia, Sarah’s positivity and playful personality never faltered.

Even if she didn’t understand the circumstances because of her young age, you knew she was suffering. Regardless of it all, every session you had with her was endearing.

You met with the child once a week to administer chemotherapy. Her enthusiasm never failed to have you awestruck. Most of your patients were exhausted from the treatments, but not Sarah. 

She was a hyper child who would attempt to sing Frozen songs, performing as you tried to fight a smile from taking over your features. She had a stuffed Olaf doll that she brought with her to every visit and it was heartwarming to see her hug the doll close to her chest. 

Sarah would even bring you drawings every week that you would keep in your locker. You’d admire each and every one of the drawings, even if you couldn’t really tell what they were.

You’d grown fond of the little girl in the past two months you had been treating her. You were also relatively close to her parents, who were probably the kindest people you’ve ever encountered. It made sense that Sarah was the ball of sunshine she was, she obviously got it from her parents.

Most times, parents were on edge and extremely short-tempered. If parents saw you often, that meant that their child was diagnosed with some form of cancer. Understandably, they would be rather hostile whilst interacting with you, but you never took their behavior personally. 

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If you were in their shoes, you were positive that you wouldn’t be very friendly either. 

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

You had grown fond of the beaming child. You were aware that growing emotionally attached to patients was unprofessional, but how could you not? 

You adored children and for that very reason, you had chosen a specialty that allowed you to help kids as much as medicine would allow. You always had a soft spot for kids and you found joy in helping them as best as you possibly could.

Sarah had a very good chance at pulling through. With consistent treatment and her young age, her survival rate was around 68%. Those were considerably good odds in these circumstances. Not to mention, the chemotherapy seemed to be paying off. At the rate she was improving, she was predicted to be out of the woods soon enough.

However, the child had developed a bacterial infection. Since she had been receiving chemotherapy, the treatment had damaged her white blood cells which are responsible for fighting off infections. 

All you could do was provide antibiotics to try and fight off the infection. You had monitored her for some time in hopes of seeing any sign of improvement, but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Her immune system was extremely vulnerable and there wasn’t any way to reverse the damage. 

Your heart was torn to pieces when you delivered the news to her parents. They broke down in the hallway outside of Sarah’s room as you informed them of Sarah’s rapidly shortened life expectancy. It was only a matter of time before the young child would pass and honestly, this was what you hated most about your job.

You hated that you couldn’t help every single patient. You hated how cruel the world could be to take away an innocent child from their loving parents. 

You allowed her parents to spend time by her bedside. They laid on either side of her bed, clinging onto her for dear life. What broke you the most was the paleness of Sarah’s once glowing skin. Her smile was still present but didn’t quite reach her eyes like it used to. 

Her parents quietly sang ‘Love Is An Open Door’ to Sarah. You felt your heart clench in a bittersweet way as you silently watched. Normally, Sarah wouldn’t hesitate to join in, but her lack of breath prevented her from doing so. All she could do was close her eyes and lightly nod her head along to their voices. 

Sarah passed hours later and it was an extremely somber experience. Hearing the cries of parents who lost their children wasn’t easy and it never would be. Your job had its pros and cons, and this was the biggest negative.

You fought back your own tears as you exited the room, giving the two mourning parents some privacy after you recorded Sarah’s time of death. You found the nearest restroom and allowed the tears to fall down your face. 

A pure soul had been ripped away from the world, never having the chance to experience the great things life had to offer.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

4 Hours Later

You trudged into your loft, immediately taking off your coat and hanging it up before tossing your keys on the small table by the front door. 

Your girlfriend, Natasha, had heard your arrival and quickly exited the bedroom to greet you, a wide smile on her face. However, her smile fell when she noticed your defeated state. 

Your shoulders were slumped as you slouched slightly and your eyes were dripping with sadness. 

“Honey? What’s wrong?” Natasha approached you while you stood frozen in front of the door. Her hands came up to cup your cheeks as she stared at you in concern, her eyes scanning over your features. 

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

“I lost Sarah.” 

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

Natasha’s eyes widened and her heart sunk at your words. She was aware of how much you adored the two-year-old. Once a week, you would rave about the child and how adorable she was at the dinner table. You would go on and on about how Sarah would sing to you, draw pictures for you, and bring along stickers to place onto your coat.

The redhead loved how happy you looked whenever you spoke about any of your patients, but most especially Sarah. It brought Natasha some joy of her own to see you speak animatedly about Sarah; your happiness was her happiness. 

So, the news hurt her almost as much as it hurt her. She knew how much you loved Sarah, despite never saying it straight out.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I know how much you cared about her. Are you okay?” Natasha’s voice was oozing with sympathy. You couldn’t help but feel irritated by her question. 

You tore her hands off of your cheeks and walked past her and into the kitchen, pouring yourself a glass of water as the redhead watched you intently. 

“Am I okay? I’m fine! It’s not like I lost an extremely young patient today or anything. What kind of stupid fucking question is that, Natasha?” You took a sip of cold water to try and calm yourself damn, but your attempt was futile. 

The redhead made her way into the kitchen, standing on the opposite side of the island as you took another sip of water, eyes burning a hole into her head over the rim of the glass. 

“I know, that was a dumb question. I just want to help you, Y/N/N.” Natasha remained calm and patient as she spoke to you. She was no stranger to the loss of a person she desperately tried to save and knew all too well the sadness and anger that accompanied the tragedy. She was an Avenger, after all. 

“I don’t want your help and I don’t need you!” You slammed your cup onto the counter as you raised your voice. Honestly, it was surprising that you hadn’t shattered the glass with the amount of force you exerted. 

Natasha felt an ache in her chest as you yelled at her. She knew that you weren’t in the right state of mind and didn’t take it personally, but that didn’t make your words hurt any less. 

“You save entire cities and I can’t even save a single fucking person!” You were turning red at this point, tears of frustration streaming down your face. The redhead hated seeing you cry, but she knew better than to approach you at this moment. 

“Babe, you save so many pe-” Natasha’s tried to speak, but you quickly interjected. 

“If you’re going to try and spew some philosophical bullshit to me right now, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear another god damn word from your mouth.”

The redhead looked down defeatedly. She had never seen you so upset, let alone direct your frustrations towards her. Her eyes fell down to the marble counter between you both before looking up at you. You were breathing heavily, your chest rising and falling rapidly as you tried to catch your breath. 

Without another word, Natasha retreated back to the bedroom, shutting the door softly behind her. You watched her until she was out of your view and let out a sigh. Your hands gripped the edges of the kitchen island, supporting your weight as you shut your eyes. 

You brought a hand up to your face and pinched the bridge of your nose. After a few minutes, you made your way into the living room, chucking off your shoes before collapsing onto the couch. You didn’t feel like interacting with Natasha anymore tonight, knowing that you most likely wouldn’t be able to control your temper. 

You were just so fed up with the painful losses you had to endure from your profession. 

You knew that being a doctor was more dark clouds and thunder, than sunshine and rainbows, but you just wished that for once, the weather forecast would work in your favor. 

The emotional day had finally caught up to you. Your body relaxed as you sunk further into the couch, eyes fluttering shut as you succumbed to a much-needed slumber. 

Unbeknownst to you, Natasha was still awake. She laid flat on her back and stared up at the ceiling in thought. She was mad at you, as much as she didn’t want to be. Natasha had gone through the same thing and never lost her cool with you as you had with her. 

The redhead calmed down slowly, turning on her side and facing the empty space beside her which you normally occupied. She reached one arm out, her skin colliding with cool sheets, already missing the warmth of your body. 

Natasha hated sleeping without you by her side, She didn’t feel complete when you weren’t steadily sleeping next to her, your arms wrapped around her body. However, she hoped that things would improve in the morning.

And with that thought in mind, she drifted off into a dreamless sleep, clutching the sheets firmly in her hand. 

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

 The Next Morning

You awoke to a blinding light, the morning sun shining through the windows and landing directly onto your face. You let out a groan and slowly sat up, stretching out your limbs with a groan. The couch wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep, you were aching everywhere. 

You sat there for a moment as the events of the day before caught up to you. Not only had you lost Sarah, but you upset Natasha. You immediately felt guilty as you recalled the harsh words you spat at her in a fit of rage. You felt like a complete asshole, and rightfully so. 

You quickly stood up and entered the kitchen, retrieving some bacon from the freezer and eggs from the refrigerator. You grabbed two separate pans and washed your hands, making sure to get the coffee pot running before you began cooking.

Your girlfriend absolutely loved bacon, eggs, and coffee. She described the combinations as a ‘party in her mouth.’ So, this was going to be an ‘i’m sorry for being a bitch last night’ apology breakfast. 

You got started on the meal and by the time you finished up and had the stove off, Natasha stalked out of the bedroom slowly. She eyed you carefully as she approached, you sent a soft smile her way.

“You made breakfast,” Natasha spoke and you shyly nodded your head. You moved away from the stove and rounded the counter. The redhead stood in her spot as you wrapped your arms around her waist, her arms reflexively going around your neck.

“I was an asshole last night.” You stated and your girlfriend nodded her head in agreement. “Yeah, you were a total pain in the ass, the absolute worst.” You rolled your eyes at Natasha’s teasing tone.

“I’m sorry for how I behaved. I was just so upset about… Sarah. I didn’t mean to take it out on you and I can’t even begin to tell you how bad I feel for yelling at you when all you wanted to do was help me.”

Your voice was full of emotion, your eyes boring into her emerald irises as you poured your heart into every syllable you uttered. Natasha smile gently at you, her fingers lightly tugging on the baby hairs on the nape of your neck. 

“It’s okay. I know you weren’t mad at me.” You let out a sigh of relief as the redhead stared at you softly. She let out a small chuckle at your dramatics before continuing.

‘I understand how you feel. The team and I, we try our very best to save as many civilians as we can, but sometimes it’s completely out of our control. It’s the exact same situation.” 

One of Natasha’s hands found its way to your cheek, gently cupping the skin as you leaned into her touch. You were listening intently to her every word, mesmerized by the calming rasp of her voice.

“Don’t dwell on what you couldn’t do, but give yourself some credit for everything you did do. I may not know what happened, but what I do know is that you tried everything you could, no?”

Natasha questioned you and you nodded your head. “I gave her antibiotics to fight the infection, but it was too severe.” The redhead rubbed her thumb against your cheek. 

“All that matters is that you did your best and that’s all anyone could ever ask for.” Natasha ended her little speech as she placed a soft kiss on the tip of your nose. You couldn’t help but smile, an overwhelming feeling of happiness taking over. 

“Thank you. I love you and your… what was it?” You furrowed your eyebrows in concentration before your face lit up. Natasha raised an eyebrow at you. “Philosophical bullshit. That was the words.” The Russian let out a laugh, shaking her head from side to side at your antics. 

“Seriously though, I’m so grateful for you. You’re so amazing to me even when I don’t deserve it. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Natasha’s laughter died down as your tone turned serious. Your eyes were so full of love and adoration as you stared into her eyes deeply. 

“Well, let’s hope you never have to find out.” Natasha smiled once more and you couldn’t resist pressing your lips against her plump ones. Your mouths moved in tandem at a slow pace, enjoying the rawness and love that accompanied each movement. 

You broke the kiss when air became an issue. Nat’s eyes fluttered open as you wiggled your eyebrows at her playfully. 

“So, are you ready for some breakfast? Maybe after we eat, we can go on top of a rooftop and I’ll serenade you with a rendition of ‘Sorry’ by Justin Bieber.”

Natasha’s head flew back as she laughed uncontrollably at your words. “What? Do you not like the Biebs? If you want, I could play ‘Baby Come Back’ by Player from a boombox and hold it over my head, instead.” The redhead continued to laugh profusely and you soon joined in. Your arms tightened around her waist as your giggles subsided. 

“I think cuddling on the couch and watching the Kardashians eating ridiculously large bowls of salad will do.” You nodded your head in agreement but didn’t make a move to release Natasha from your grip. She didn’t let go either. 

The two of you just stood there, basking in each other’s embrace, a comfortable silence falling over you both. 

Natasha never failed to say the right things to pull you out of the dark abyss that was your mind. She was completely right, as always. There would always be bad days, patients who were progressing one day and deteriorating the next. 

However, there were also good days, and you shouldn’t allow the bad to overshadow all the good you’ve done. Like with Natasha, she wasn’t always the superhero she is today. She took her dark past and turned it into a bright future. 

Nat didn’t let her bad days define her and neither should you.

Of course, you would always remember every single patient you had lost, but now, you would take the pain and turn it into motivation; motivation to improve yourself, not only in your professional life but in your personal life as well. 

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

You would do right by the ones you’ve lost and the one who stuck by your side; Natasha Romanoff. 

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

───────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────────

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[fragilevixenfic]

My AO3 Fanfiction Links (Current)

“I’ve never really thought about making a “Master List” of my own work but I figured, now is the time to do so. If any of the links are incorrect just let me know. I fix. 

Adding in a “keep reading” tab because the list is starting to get long and intense.

Each fic is categorized and easily referenced. I’ll update as I go.

X Files

Series

Into The Shadows

XII (COMPLETE): A serial killer targets victims and leaves behind symbols of his affection -- but who is his intended target and what will it take to discover the truth? (This has a lot of trigger warnings)

Dance In The Dark (ONGOING Chapters 12/? Posted **UPDATED):  With the continuing murder trial of Miles, Mulder, Scully, and Max are confronted by the VCU with a case that seems to be mimicking the pattern by their, now infamous, psychopath on trial.

Echoes and Whispers

Parallel (COMPLETE):  The aftermath of the three little words that Mulder says to Scully in his hospital bed after being rescued from the Queen Anne as it re-appeared in the Bermuda Triangle...and the strange connection that Scully starts to feel to a memory that Scully couldn't possibly have.

Only The Night (ONGOING):  Mulder and Scully begin their undercover assignment as an engaged couple with the assistance of Skinner at the University of Maryland to catch a serial rapist, putting their newly formed physical bond to the test in this sequel to “Parallel”.

Casefics

Falling Away (COMPLETE):  Kersh’s assignment partially splits the team as Scully goes undercover under the watchful eye of Mulder as they both assist on an operation with SWAT and FBI personnel. (A gift for Greta)

Veritas se revēlet (COMPLETE):  (The title is roughly translated to let the truth be revealed in Latin) An impromptu wild goose chase leads Mulder and Scully to the drifts of a winter-locked Tonopah, Nevada—where a little more than the embodiment of Mulder’s imagination takes shape between the walls of the Mizpah Hotel in the dead of winter. (A gift for @monikafilefan)

She Walks at Night (COMPLETE):  Mulder’s knack for getting himself and Scully into sticky situations leads them to the heart of NOLA at the tail end of Hurricane season after barely surviving a Floridian storm—to investigate a rumor of a notable Voodoo Queen and missing girls trying to bring her back. (A gift for @starbuck09256)

Intrigues in the Dark (COMPLETE):   A string of suicides leads Mulder and Scully to a sleepy, coastal town in Oregon for the second time—on their return to The X File—as tensions run high and nothing is as it seems. (A gift for @admiralty-xfd)

By Light, Unseen (COMPLETE):   A series of re-opened cold case murders with one link…they’d been drained of every drop of blood and wore the same, haunting stare toward the sky with their lips aghast as if they were still screaming. (A gift for @serahsanguine)

Post-Series

A House is Not a Home (COMPLETE):  The mere thought of raising a newborn in a world full of horrors has every part of Scully’s emotional irrationality over firing on a chilly, winter evening. Mulder wants nothing more than to show her that not everything is gray and grim. (for @danceswithcybermen)

Remember the Reason (COMPLETE):  Post Series (Part 1 of the “Little Redhead Series”). Mulder and Scully already knew that life with a newborn would be difficult but the first Christmas with their two-month-old daughter throws every curveball…some worse than others, some more humorous. (For @underworldobsessed)

Confectioners Sugar & Snow Drifts (COMPLETE):  Post Series (Part 2 of the “Little Redhead Series”). Mulder spends the morning bonding with Eliana by having a Christmas baking session while Scully is out shopping for gifts. Messes, mayhem, and a healthy dose of laughter ensue. No moment is ever dull as the snow falls outside.

The Easter Bunny was a Fox (COMPLETE):  Post Series (Part 3 of the “Little Redhead” Series). Scully has to pick up Bill, Tara, and a couple of surprise family from the airport, leaving Mulder alone with their 6-year-old daughter, Eliana, on Easter Morning. All she has for him are curiosities as Easter’s non-Christian ideology unfolds before her eyes…creating the most unique bonding opportunity for a father and his daughter. (For Flicked_Switch)

Angst/UST/RST

Caught in the Rain (COMPLETE):  A dark, rainy night leads Mulder and Scully to a hole in the wall bar where glasses of Scotch and unresolved tension is re-visited.

Or We Can Burn (COMPLETE):  Post Never Again - expansion and continuation of the aftermath surrounding what Scully has been hiding from Mulder.

It Lingers (COMPLETE):  The aftermath of trauma and the lingering effects of Mulder’s risky attempt to recover the truth about Samantha’s abduction leads to a revelation from Scully about her own coping mechanisms and flashes into a past she doesn’t fully remember...and the path to which they lead thereafter. (For @red2007)

Fluff/Humor

Nervous Laughter (COMPLETE):  It’s been two full days since their tender, albeit brief, moment at the stroke of midnight and Mulder decides to be brave and methodical by inviting Scully over for a little movie and popcorn night for a film that has stayed locked in his mind as her favorite—The Exorcist. (This is a gift for @rationalcashew)

Lamplight & Shooting Stars (COMPLETE):  It’s Spring-time in DC and spontaneous, mutually taken vacation time has become a personal mission of Mulder’s to surprise Scully with so much more than an escape from their norm—and the unseasonable, uncomfortable city heat. (For @underworldobsessed)

Into the Nightlife (ONGOING):  A little paid vacation time never hurt anyone, right? (Not giving anything away this time)

Smut

Insomniac (COMPLETE):  Another lonely, sleepless night, another dingy motel, and another town that isn’t home for Mulder…but, something changed, with the last gasp of the air conditioner as his partner, and best friend, chooses to walk through the adjoining door. (Expanded writing exercise)

Vultus in Speculo (COMPLETE):  The last of the paperwork on the Strickland case has been finalized and filed and Scully goes off for a drink at a known FBI watering hole. Mulder is invited but doesn’t show up until after Scully is halfway through a drink—giving him an opening to inquire about a whole lot more than her flirtations with the Sheriff in the booth of a rooftop bar. (written for @msrheadcanon

Phosphorescence (COMPLETE):  Still reeling from their experience in North Carolina, Mulder and Scully take a much-needed excursion to the coast of Oregon, where a flicker of light becomes more than a curiosity in the middle of the night. (Written for @anniexami)

The Darker Side of Love (COMPLETE): Mulder does not want to talk but he does not want Scully to leave, either. (This is for the MSR fanzine vol 3)

Ficlets/Drabbles/Short Prompt Collection

Affirmations and Protestations: “Fluff and Angst” Prompts (ONGOING):  

 Chapter 1 - "You Weren't Supposed to Hear That" - prompt #5, 61, 77

Chapter 2 - "Shout!" - prompt #19, 61 (From Valerie)

Chapter 3 - "Litost" - prompt #1, 85, 97 (From Monika)

Chapter 4 - "Ad Infinitum" - prompt #42 (From Minuete)

Chapter 5 - "Brick" - prompt - After Scully calls Mulder in the ep Emily, she asks him to bring her some things from home. Her journal falls to the floor and Mulder sees some things written about him that she has never allowed him to know. (from Monika)

Chapter 6 - "I'd rather be oblivious" - prompt #46 (from Annie)

Criminal Minds

Angst/UST/RST

Dulce Periculum (COMPLETE):  Maxine and Spencer have continued seeing each other, in spite of the interference brought to the surface by Cat Adams. Spencer continues to work closely with the BAU after it nearly dismantled, with signature members scattering to the winds, leaving behind only a few, including himself, to keep working on their caseload. After a long, intense case, Spencer returns home to a little more than a can of worms. (A gift for an anonymous prompter)

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Angst/UST/RST

Chasing your Silhouette (COMPLETE):  They’d learned each other’s quirks and intricacies on the job—but when did it become over the line? When did physicality become a detriment to them once they’ve taken off their shields? When did they realize the line in the sand no longer existed? (This is meant to take place a couple weeks after “Zebras” – had to assume a timeline, I don’t remember actual dates)

Paternity Redux - Time Just Stopped (COMPLETE):  Her strength has always been immeasurable—but sometimes, something has to give and a string breaks. Nothing will ever be the same.“I’m trying my best, that is enough.” - UnknownThis is part of a challenge, to right a series of wrongs in an episode that has perpetrated many a discussion of “What Could Have Been”. WriterKC, Liv.Einziger, JustAnotherBookWorm78, MrsWellRested, EORocks, AlexisDawn, ChriskaPeach, and I have stepped up to the plate to do just that.

Oblivion (ONGOING 9/? Chapters posted ***UPDATED***):   The undercover operation in Oregon takes an unexpected, unpleasant turn for Olivia Benson as an injury turns her life, and career, upside-down leaving her with pieces of her memory scattered in the wind.

Humor

Unlock the Door (TENTATIVELY COMPLETE 2/2):   Olivia returns home from a celebratory series of shots with Kim Greylek and lets Elliot Stabler hear a little more than she ever intended to in the aftermath.

Series

Polaroids and Promises (COMPLETE):   The Special Victims Unit has undergone an enormous amount of changes in the past six months, to the point that they are drastically undermanned—until a transfer from the 13th precinct brings new life, and a little chaos, to the team. Will her addition prove to be a permanent shift or a flash in the pan?

Discarded Dignity (COMPLETE):   Elora continues to gain much-needed confidence as a member of the Special Victims Unit but an arrival booked for trespassing, assaulting an officer, and disorderly throws her progress into chaos as her past jumps to the surface. Will she be able to look beyond the misstep to solve one of the most convoluted cases she’s faced? 

Contract Corruption (ONGOING 10/?):   Dickie Stabler and Justin Andrisani are in over their heads--and the members of SVU and the Organized Crime task force must come together in order to set things right.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Organized Crime Crossover

Series

Words of love, words of lies, words of loss

Age of Regret (COMPLETE):  Elliot Stabler has never been good with words but ten years and a double on the rocks in a lonely room will make a man pour his heart out…in any way that he can.

Infidelis (COMPLETE): Elliot had been haunted by too many ghosts; expectations, fantasies, and a promise that he knew should never be kept. It was time to lay them all to rest. “I do not regret you…I regret what you did to me.” - Unknown

[lovelybucky1]

Transfer Request- Chapter 4

warnings: explicit sexual content, daddy kink, mentions of a case, canon typical violence

series masterlist

I wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. I blindly reach toward my nightstand, searching for my water bottle in the dark.

“Keep your mouth shut, y/n, unless you want every FBI agent knowing how good you’re taking your Daddy’s dick.”

I chugged my water, the plastic crinkling in the silent room.

Did I just have a sex dream about Hotch? No, no…

The water spilled on my face and dripped down my chin. I pulled my covers to the side and stepped out of bed, the cool morning air chilling my burning skin. I picked up my phone and saw I had a notification from the man himself, Aaron Hotchner.

From Hotch:

Wheels up at 8:15. Hope to see you there with a smile on your face.

I fight the urge to scream, not wanting to wake my neighbors up at 6:43. I put on a striped button down and tucked it into a pair of black slacks. I decide on boots instead of heels because I would rather not get blood and brains on my nice shoes. I fix my hair and makeup in the bathroom before making myself a pot of coffee. I pour the coffee into two travel mugs, one with a normal amount of sugar and milk, the other with an ungodly amount of sugar for Spencer. I take a protein bar from the cabinet and slip it into my pocket before leaving my apartment. Luckily, the traffic is not as bad this time in the morning, so I arrived at the BAU right on time.

“Morning, babygirl”, Morgan said from his chair.

“Cheating on Garcia now, Morgan?”, I laugh. I walk up to Reid’s desk and place his coffee on his coaster. He looks up for today’s newspaper and his face breaks into a smile.

“You made me coffee?”, he asks. I lean against the edge of his desk and smile.

“I know you have a hard time using the coffee machine”, I tease. He rolls his eyes playfully as he takes a sip from his coffee.

“I’m gifted in other ways”, he mumbled.

I talked with the other agents for a while before we were called for the briefing. The energy in the room immediately changed when Hotch entered. I tried not to make eye contact with him, but his gaze was magnetic. He glared daggers at me and I couldn’t prevent my face from heating up. He looked away quickly, as if I had burnt him with my eyes, and began the briefing.

We are going to a small town in the middle-of-nowhere-Maine. Two children and an adult male, a brother and sister in their early teens and their uncle, were found in the woods. Their bodies were bruised and beaten, but their cause of death was suffocation. Their father abandoned their family ten years prior, their mother is in a coma in the hospital and they were under their uncle's care when they were found.

We all return to our desks to pack our bags. I made sure JJ packed extra Advil because listening to Spencer Reid ramble about the inaccuracy of historical films while you have a headache is a unique kind of tortue. We leave the bureau and arrive at the plane, and as I go to board, I feel a large hand catch my arm.

“Agent y/l/n, I expect you to be civil on this mission. I will not tolerate insubordination, especially from you. We have a job to do and we cannot let our personal lives interfere, otherwise people die. Am I understood, Agent?”, he asks, emotionless.

“Yes, sir”, I hiss, I yank my arm from his grasp and walk up the stairs.

I take a seat next to Morgan, who is already half asleep. As much as I love Reid, it is still much too early to listen to him spit out statistics every time we experience turbulence. I put in my earbuds and leaned back in my seat, trying to enjoy my time and pretend the others were not there.

Three hours later, we land at a small airport fifteen minutes away from our crime scene. We all pack into the car, Spencer and I stuck in the back, Emily and JJ in the middle seats and Morgan and Hotch in the front. As Hotch puts the car in gear, I say a silent prayer. That man drives like he has nothing to live for, and I’d rather not die in a shitty rental car.

In the front, the four adults had a conversation about the case while Spencer and I thumb wrestle. I lost every round, but to be fair, he had freakishly big hands.

[silhouetteofacedar]

Fox Mulder, Closet Romantic Ch. 4: Man Pouts on Couch

Previous Chapter - AO3 - MSR, rated E

Mulder is not feeling lucky.

In hindsight, he should have suspected something was off today; Scully kept looking at her watch.

It’s Friday, March 13th, and he thought it’d be cute to invite Scully out for a drink again, make a little joke about it becoming a Friday the 13th tradition. This could work, he thinks. His plan is simple; ask her out every once in a while, for some reason or another, with the intention of eventually coming clean and setting up a proper date.

At five o’clock he stands up and stretches with performative nonchalance. “Buy you a drink, Scully?” he asks, cocking his head towards the calendar pinned to the office wall, surrounded by newspaper clippings and grainy photos.

She pauses with her arm halfway into the sleeve of her coat. “I…” She falters and presses her lips together, looking suddenly guilty.

“What is it?” he asks quietly, a pit growing in his stomach.

“I’d love to, Mulder, but I actually have a date tonight.”

The earth stops spinning and Mulder is thrown off balance, hurtling through the atmosphere.

“Oh,” he says softly. “That doctor guy?”

Scully nods, not meeting his gaze. “His name is Mark,” she says. “We’re getting sushi.” She looks up at him then, big blue eyes soft. “A rain check?” she asks hopefully.

She owns him; one look like that and he’d sell his soul to buy her a cup of shitty coffee. “Sure. Another time, then,” Mulder says, gathering up every scrap of composure he has left, patching together a smile for her. “Have fun.”

He goes home and throws himself face down onto the couch.

She has a date. A real date, with a presumably mentally stable human man with a high-value job. And a daughter. A ready-made family, just add water and stir. This Mark guy probably calls her Dana, asks her how her mother’s doing, feeds her bits of sashimi with no threat of aliens or shadow governments in sight. Maybe he’ll kiss her at the end of the night, softly with closed lips like a gentleman.

What stings the most is the fact that this Doctor Mark had the balls to tell Scully outright that he’s interested in her romantically, something Mulder has yet to do.

Mulder knows he should eat, but his stomach is churning and the idea of food sickens him. He’s being dramatic and irrational; it’s just one date. But the implications are weighty, the potential enormous.

He feels bad for being upset. This is good for her; she needs to get out of the basement, connect with other rational people, find some normalcy and balance in her life.

You need those things too, he hears her say in his head.

He brushes it aside. It’s different for him; he created this life for himself. He’s a collapsed star, a black hole of conspiracy and paranoia that sucks in everything that gets too close. The last thing he wants is for her to get lost in his darkness, swallowed by the void like some interstellar debris.

She’d told him that night in Rock Creek Park that she does’t blame him for what’s happened to her, but that doesn’t assuage his guilt. He carries the weight of what she calls her choices, a load she has no intention of sharing with him, awaiting no acknowledgement or thanks.

He’s doing it to himself.

Mulder whiles away the hours on the couch, gazing up at the constellations of pencil marks on his ceiling, tossing his basketball above his head. He drops it on his face twice.

He knows it’s probably only going to make him feel worse, but he’s a glutton for punishment; so at eleven-thirty that night he picks up the phone and calls Scully.

He waits for her to answer, his heart sinking lower with each ring. She’s not picking up. Is she still out? he thinks anxiously. The guy has a kid, so it’s unlikely that they’d stay out too late unless he’s arranged it with his babysitter…

“Hello?” Scully’s slightly husky voice cuts through his thoughts.

“Scully,” he says, tentative relief creeping into his body.

“Mulder, what is it?” she asks. “It’s late. For normal people, anyway. Are you alright?”

“‘M’ fine,” he assures he. “Just couldn’t sleep.”

He hears her hum in understanding. Late night phone calls between them aren’t uncommon, after all. “Have you tried counting sheep?” she asks, not unkindly. “Or slowing your breathing down, focusing on the cadence of inhales and exhales like I showed you?”

He’s wide awake, sitting upright on his couch, still in the slacks and wrinkled button-down he wore to the office that day. “Yes,” he lies. “It’s not helping. There’s too much going on in my head right now.”

“You work too much,” she says gently. “And yet not enough, when deadlines are involved. We’ve got an impressive paperwork backlog-”

“Can we not talk about work right now?” He reaches down and unties his shoes. “Otherwise I’ll never get to sleep.”

“Right.” There’s rustling on her end. She’s in bed, he realizes.

“Did I wake you, Scully?” he asks, trying to hide his surprise.

“It’s fine, Mulder, I was only dozing,” she replies.

“Oh, how was the date?” he asks, as though it only just occurred to him, instead of being the only thing he’s thought about all night.

“It was nice,” she responds, and he drops his head onto the back of the couch in defeat. Shit. Shit shit shit shit-

“We talked about medicine, about cancer, loss. His daughter’s name is Amanda,” she continues. “Her mother - his wife - died when Mandy was only two, so he’s mostly raised her alone.”

“That’s rough,” Mulder says softly. Please don’t make me feel bad for this guy, Scully, I can’t bear it, he thinks.

“Mhm,” she agrees. “And his work at the hospital is pretty grueling, so his mother helps out a lot. I… I told him about Emily.”

“How’d that go?” Mulder asks, concerned. “It’s not the most… plausible-sounding story.”

“I was vague,” she replies. “All I really said was that I had recently reconnected with a child I’d been separated from, right before she died. He didn’t ask for details; he could probably tell it was a fresh wound.”

They’re silent for a moment.

“Do you think you’ll see him again?” Mulder asks quietly. Somehow he already knows what she’s going to say, and he braces himself for the sting of her words as they pierce his heart.

“I… I think I will,” Scully says, sounding distant. “I mean, it’s worth a shot, right?”

She deserves this. She deserves a chance at something ordinary, safe, comfortable.

“Maggie Scully didn’t raise a quitter,” he says with a watery smile she’ll never see.

She chuckles. “No, I suppose she didn’t,” Scully muses. He hears her yawn. “I’m tired out, Mulder. Think you can sleep now?”

“I’ll try,” he says. He’s surprised to feel his eyes beginning to burn with unshed tears. “Thanks for talking to me,” he adds.

“Anytime. Sleep well,” she says warmly, and the line goes dead.

He supposes he brought this on himself by keeping his feelings hidden. He waited too long, playing it safe. He wanted to gauge her feelings before he made any overt moves, and someone else beat him to it.

It’s just one date. But there’s going to be more. By the sound of it, she wants there to be more.

There’s no way he’s going to sleep well tonight.

He’s in a sour mood when he’s summoned to the Gunmen’s… den? lair? headquarters? the next afternoon, by way of one of their patented cryptic phone calls.

Byers unfastens the dozen locks on the door and lets him inside. “Mulder,” he says, ushering him in. “Good to see you.”

Mulder flops down in a rickety desk chair, exhaustion permeating his muscles. “I’m not up for being social today, boys,” he warns. “You said you had information for me?”

“We took the liberty of looking into Agent Scully’s new… uh, friend,” Byers says.

“For safety reason,” Langly adds, seeing Mulder’s lips purse.

“She’s precious cargo,” Frohike says, wiggling his eyebrows.

“How did you find him?” Mulder asks. “I didn’t even know his first name until yesterday.”

“Don’t insult us with your surprise,” Frohike mutters. “We’re experts.”

“We knew he’s a part of the parish Scully attends-“ Byers begins.

“And we knew he’s an ER doc, has a 6 year old daughter, and a dead wife,” Langly cuts in. “That’s plenty to go on.”

“I don’t need to know more than that,” Mulder says, suddenly feeling guilty. “It’s not my business.”

“Maybe not, but we have the info,” Frohike says. “Look, all you need to know is that he seems legit. Name’s Einolander, if you were curious.”

“I wasn’t,” Mulder lies, taking a sunflower seed out of his pocket and biting it pensively.

“Of course not,” Byers says, sounding completely unconvinced.

“You alright, Mulder?” Langly asks. “You look rough.”

“Of course he does,” Frohike hisses in the least subtle whisper of all time. “Scully’s dating someone that’s not him. Cut the guy some slack.”

“You guys don’t know shit,” Mulder grumbles, then backtracks, running his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. I, uh... didn’t sleep well.”

“It’s okay, man,” Langly says.

Frohike nods sagely. ”We know how you feel about her. This can’t be easy for you.”

Mulder wilts in his chair. “How did you know?” he asks pathetically, realizing the jig is up. Has he really been so obvious this whole time? Fucking hell.

“Look, knowing things is our business,” Byers explains. “And we know you. We’ve been around the block with you a few times, and nobody’s meant this much to you. Not even Diana.”

“Plus, Agent Scully is a smokeshow, and you have eyes,” Frohike adds. Byers gives him a jab with his elbow. “Hey, I stand by that,” he declares, rubbing his arm.

“Well thanks anyway, fellas,” Mulder says, standing. “I should get going. The walls in my apartment won’t stare at themselves.”

“Do you want the file we put together on the guy?” Byers asks. “We can make copies.”

Mulder shakes his head. “Keep it. Draw a mustache on his photo or something.” He picks up his coat and slings it over his shoulder. “You kids have fun.”

“If you need anything, just flag us down,” Frohike says, patting Mulder’s back before unlatching the door.

Mulder steps out the door, then turns back. “How old is this guy?”

“Forty-one,” Byers says, flipping through the file. “Five-foot-ten, dark blond hair, brown eyes. Blood type-”

Mulder holds up a hand. “I don’t want to know. Bye, guys.”

He gets a petty, juvenile satisfaction from the fact that he’s two inches taller and four years younger than Dr. Einolander. It’s short-lived, but at this point he’ll take what he can get.

Because he can’t get Scully.

[fairlyspnfanfic]

The Ties That Bind Us - Part Six

Summary: When your past comes back to haunt you, who will prevail?  Hunting had been your life since your were 4 years old.  The monsters that started you on that path were resurfacing, and you knew what you had to do.  But nothing is ever truly secret, and nothing is ever that cut and dry with the Winchester’s in tow.

A/N: This is a new one that is coming from a few requests.  I’m not going to post the actual requests because…well because it would spoil the story line and I’m pretty into this one.

Words: 2167

Warnings: Trauma, medical terminology, stress, hospital waiting room, tears, anesthesia

PART ONE  PART TWO  PART THREE PART FOUR PART FIVE

Dean stood alone in the washroom; the mortar full of ingredients sitting scorched on the floor.  He swept his hands through his hair and walked over to the sink, quickly grabbing a paper towel from the dispenser and beginning to work on cleaning up the paint from the trap on the floor. It took mere moments, but it felt like an eternity.  While he was tossing the remnants of his spell into the trash bin, a loud insistent knock was again rapping at the door.  

“Yeah, yeah,” he muttered. “Keep your shirt on.”

“Dean!” Sam was yelling outside the door, continuing to pound on the cheap, grey wood.  

Shit, Dean thought to himself as he rushed to finish the rest of his cleanup. Once the last of the traces of his work had been disposed of, he yanked the door open and breezed past his brother wordlessly.  

“What the hell, Dean?” Sam’s indignant voice trailed behind him.  “What did you do?”  

The accusation in his words was not unfounded, but still, it left Dean enraged. “What are you talking about, Sam?”  Dean’s voice was sharp and dismissive as he spat the words at him, his face scrunched up into a defensive glare.  

The youngest Winchester caught up with him within a few strides as he reached out and grabbed Dean’s shoulder, forcing Dean to turn around and face him.  

“Don’t do that,” Sam pleaded.  “Just don’t.”  

“What, a guy can’t take a dump?”  

Sam glared at his brother, leaving the silence between them thick and expectant.  

“Come on Sam, we have to get back in there. Y/N’s depending on us.”  

Sam nodded his head, disappointment evident in his stance, as they both walked back towards the waiting room.  

Immediately, Dean began pacing between the aisles of seats, his long legs bowing out as he did so.  He was listless and his hands alternated between running through his hair and yanking on his own neck in a vain attempt to relax the beyond strained muscles.  

The doors to the surgical hallway flew open and the same doctor that had spoken with them before came rushing towards them, her eyes bulged out in surprise as she locked onto the boys.  

“Doc,” Dean’s voice was full of anguish as he strode up to her, meeting her just outside the rows of seats.  He remained silent, waiting for the update she undoubtedly was there to give him.  

"Tell me she’s alright,” Sam whispered, walking up next to Dean.  The doctor remained silent.  Dean let out a sigh, lowering his head over his crossed arms.  He was all stress, panic and anxiety in human form.

The doctor opened her mouth to start speaking but came up empty as her mouth closed again.  After several false starts without explanation, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.  

“We’re going to need some sort of words here, doc.”  Dean’s jovial voice was hiding his tension and impatience, but he remained unsatisfied as the woman continued her silence.  

“She’s not,” Dean began, unwilling to finish the sentence.  “No,” he stuttered. “No, she can’t be.  She’s not gone.  Tell me she’s not gone.”  

Sam laid a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder and stepped in front of him. “Dean, it’s okay.”  He sniffed, unable to control the tears forming in his eyes as they began to fall.  

“No,” Dean began muttering to himself, his eyes wide and fixated on the floor. “No, she said...she was supposed to fix it.  We had a deal.”  His words strung together haphazardly.  Dean could hear his own heart pounding faster and faster.  “No,” he whispered.  

I opened my eyes violently; the dryness of them sending pain and discomfort through me.  I could feel my head pounding, but the pressure in my chest overrode all of it.  As much as I tried, I couldn’t take a breath.  My lungs felt as if they were solid bricks, useless in their emptiness.  I struggled against whatever was blocking them, attempting to take gasp after gasp of fresh air that wouldn’t come.  All I could feel was pain.  My pounding head, aching eyes, useless lungs, and beyond bruised body fought against every survival instinct I had.  

“Oh my God,” I heard a man’s voice yell out.  I lifted my hands to my face and began clawing at the foreign objects that seemed stuck inside of my mouth, arms and chest.  

“No, no, no!” Panicked voices surrounded me as blurred shadows began rushing around me, poking and prodding me at every juncture, as though my threshold for pain was exponentially larger than it actually was.  

“Calm down, Y/N.”  A soothing voice rang in my ear.  “We need to close you up now,” she sang.  “But to do that, you have to sleep.”  

I attempted to speak, wanting nothing more than to scream at the people around me, to tell them no, to make the torment stop, but words were beyond my reach.   “The machines are breathing for you, Y/N.  Don’t fight them.  A little more rest and you can wake back up.  But for now,” she crooned.  “You need to sleep.”  

I watched her fingers grabbing at a tube as another set of hands gave her a vial which she quickly depressed into the tubing between her fingers.  Within seconds, my eyelids drooped, and my head became heavy, my vision fuzzier than before.  And before I could protest, I had drifted into a dreamless, nightmarish sleep.  

The panic in Dean’s chest had begun to consume him as it seemed like the very ground beneath him had given way.  He sank to his knees, kneeling on the floor with his head cradled between his hands.  His cheeks were covered in the salty streaks of his own tears as he took deep breaths, attempting to find some hint that this was all an awful dream.  

Sam moved in front of him, his legs blocking Dean from view.  The doctor stared at him with wide, unblinking eyes, as if she were in shock.  

“You need to say the words, Doc.”  Sam crossed his arms, swallowing the lump in his throat as the tears that his eyelids had been successfully keeping at bay finally fell.  “I need to hear the words, or I won’t believe it.”  He stressed each word, holding on to hope that all of their assumptions were wrong.  

He watched as the doctor finally raised her line of sight to meet his eyes and shook her head slightly as if bringing herself back to the present.  “She’s awake,” she said.  

Sam’s eyes lurched open as his arms fell to his sides.  “What?”  

The doctor shook her head again, confusion clearing as she did so.  “She woke up.  During surgery. She woke up momentarily.”  Her explanation did little to settle the worry that laid heavy throughout the room.  “We had to sedate her, but she did wake up for a moment.”  

Sam lifted his hand and pulled it down his face, grasping his chin as he did so.  “What does that mean?”  His question came out much calmer than he felt.  

“It’s a good sign,” the doctor began.  “Typically, with this kind of trauma, there wouldn’t be more than a ten percent chance of survival.”  Her words did little to provide any comfort.  “But we’ve repaired the damage and she’s in the recovery room now.  It’s going to take a while for her to wake up since we had to sedate her again, but it’s a good sign.”  

Sam took a deep breath, reaching down behind him to grab Dean’s arm.  He pulled him up and forced him to stand.  “Dean,” he said, smacking his hand against his brother’s chest and pointing towards the doctor.  

Dean looked up hesitantly as he made eye contact with the doctor again.  “She’s in the recovery room,” she explained again.  “It’ll be a couple of hours before she’ll be in her own room, but once she is, you’re welcome to see her.”  

“Her body, you mean.”  Dean’s words were painted with defeat.  

“No, Dean.”  Sam turned around, looking at his brother pointedly.  “She’s alive.”  Dean’s eyes flicked over to his brother’s as he let out a breath, allowing more tears to fall down his cheeks.  

My eyelids were so heavy.  Like steel doors that had been locked shut, and I was powerless to move them.  But I could feel the moisture of my own tears leaking through them as they dripped down my cheeks and across my lips.  All I could feel was pain.  The gravel in my chest that seemed to expand with each involuntary breath that I hadn’t initiated.  The sharp, shooting pain that was radiating out from my back.  The pounding in my head that felt as though my temples were trapped in a vice that was constantly being tightened.  It was unreal and I didn’t think I could, or that I’d want, to cope with it.  

Every part of me was scorching.  That same sort of burning feeling that only seemed to happen when you were too cold, freezing from the inside out.  I attempted to move, urging my knees to bend and scoot me away from the frozen fire that felt as though it were seconds away from consuming me.  My lazy, thick voice whined into the emptiness as I urged myself to plead for help.  The only sound that came out was muffled and nonsensical.  

But within seconds, I felt warm fingers snaking themselves around my hand, intertwining my fingers with them.  The warmth and comfort that originated there began to spread, and I poured all of my strength into flexing my fingers and squeezing the hand of my hero that had alleviated some of my agony.  

“Mom?” My voice was almost unrecognizable.  As though I was speaking through a thick layer of fabric that had been woven over my voice box.  

“Shhh,” a soothing voice rang out as another hand swept across my forehead.  “You’re going to be just fine, Y/N.”  I knew that voice.  I would recognize it even if I were dead.  And yet, I couldn’t identify it for the life of me.  

“I’ve got you, sweetheart.”  Two lips pressed themselves gently to my forehead, leaving an aura of safety and respite from my aching body.  

“Dad?” I questioned.  

“Y/N?” Another voice called out to me, but from the other side of the room.  “We’re here, Y/N.  Sam and Dean,” it answered me.  “We’re right here.”  

I pursed my eyebrows together, still unable to open my eyes.  Sam and Dean were there.  I knew that their presence meant I was safe.  That the terror of not knowing where I was or why everything hurt so much should ebb away.  But every part of me wanted to scream at them.  To push them away for pulling me back from the perfect peace I had found with my parents.  I could still hear the waves crashing on the beach and remember the feel of my mother’s hand in mine.  But all the contentment and ease had gone and been replaced with suffering.  

“Hey, hey relax Y/N. It’s okay.” Dean’s voice attempted to soothe me as he pushed my hair behind my ear, gently cradling my face.  

“No,” I murmured.  “I want to go back.”  My words came out as whispers, but their intent was sincere.  

Dean relaxed his grip on my hand. “What?” he asked.  But no more words were able to push through my lips.  The tears that had been quietly dripping slowly from my eyes now became a deluge as my eyes and chest were wracked with sobs.  The pain that shot through me with each violent spasm was disorienting and overwhelming, but the tears wouldn’t stop, and my heaving breaths were undeterred.  

My fingers dug into Dean’s hand, desperate to keep him close to me as I pulled him towards the bed.  I was able to curl my legs up into myself, ignoring the pain shooting through my abdomen as I did so, as I pulled Dean’s hand ever closer to me.  

“Hey, hey, hey,” his voice rang out like velvet.  “I’m here,” he said as I felt the bed depress next to me as his legs pressed against mine.  His arm wrapped around my shoulders as he slowly released my hand, holding me close to him and pressing a kiss to the top of my head.  

The sobs that had sped through me began to calm as I buried my face into his chest, breathing in the familiar scent of evergreen and freshly cut wood.  

“I’ve got you,” he whispered, his arms keeping me enveloped into him.  

Deep breath after deep breath of his intoxicating musk had calmed my tears and slowed my breathing back to normal.  The sharp stabbing pain had localized and no longer radiated out to every molecule of my being.  Within minutes, I drifted off, terrified of any dream that I may have that could never compare to where I had just been.  

To be continued….

Part Seven

Taglist (Tag requests are open):

@vicmc624 @waywardprincesa @heyyy-hey-babyyy  @carissime72  @deans-baby-momma  @formulafun  @woodworthti666  @yetanotherreader  @crashlyrose  @hobby27  @gabby913  @jxackles  @polina-93 @supernaturaladdictsblog  @fandomoverdose666  @deans-baby-momma  @deanwanddamons  @tazzi-baby  @acertainhero  @lilulo-12

(Desperate attempt to get my faves to notice me) @thinkinghardhardlythinking @smol-and-grumpy @wonder-cole-reads @watermelonlipstick @that-one-gay-girl @waywardbaby

[kashimos-hajime]

dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries. 

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker​ and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky​ with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too. 

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

.

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever? 

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas! 

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

.

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

.

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

[misslynn99]

Epicenter: Chapter Two

Pro Hero! Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

Link on AO3: Epicenter

Link to Chapter 1

Author: misslynn_99 (Me!)

The next morning, the café regulars buzzed around the TV monitors, excitedly chatting about the news. Official footage of the attack had finally been aired. Concrete flew everywhere as the villain lashed out against heroes, sending distraught civilians fleeing from the scene. The scene that every news station had on repeat, however, was that of several tons of concrete on a direct collision course for a young family, until Ground Zero put himself between the two. He squared back one shoulder to pulverize the rubble with a blast, and in that moment, his wild eyes were molten flames, the fine cascade of dust casting a hazy halo around his form.

It was such a harsh contrast to the villain swinging a pillar of concrete immediately after, colliding directly with the hero’s chest and sending him hurtling back against the harsh exterior of another building, slumping bonelessly on the ground.

“He saved them.” You whispered to yourself. Icy needles twisted in your chest. Eijirou had  trusted you to care for his closest friend at his most vulnerable. The café was much closer than any hospital to the scene, but your heart skipped a beat, fluttering in astonishment. “He could have died. It’s a wonder he didn’t.” Just how close had Ground Zero been to death’s door when he showed up here?

“Blasty is lucky he’s got a rad, manly partner like me.” Eijirou’s voice startled you, suddenly far too close to your ear.

“Hi!” You squeaked. “Didn’t hear you come in.”

“You think I’d let my best girl go un-thanked after saving my partner’s ass yesterday?” His arms swept you into a tight bear hug, twirling your feet off of the floor. Eijirou’s easy smile seemed to smooth over the awkward tension from the day before, as if it were no more than an insignificant blight of an otherwise sunny day.

“Quit harassing the woman, Shitty Hair. We’re here on business.”

“She likes it.” Eijirou had the gall to stick out his tongue. “Isn’t that right?”

“I, I don’t mind.” You couldn’t help but squeeze your eyes shut in embarrassment, dropping your head forward, and you prayed that no one would notice. This crush was spiraling out of control, as the sturdy muscles that could shatter any obstacle and strong enough to lift cars supported you easily in his embrace.

“ ‘Don’t mind’ isn’t the same as ‘like’.” Ground Zero’s mouth turned even further downward into a scowl. Reluctantly, Eijirou set you down, and you felt cold at the absence of his touch. The tension settled again like a thick cloud, choking out whatever embers of affection you felt for the red haired hero.

“I didn’t mean to impose.” The red-head’s own face was dusted with faint pink, nervously scratching the back of his neck.

“It’s no problem.” You tried your best to smile kindly, wincing internally at the memory of his flinch. “Why don’t I get you both some coffee on the house? It’s the least I can do for everything you two do to protect the city.”

“One black coffee it is then!” Eijirou perked back up.

“So, I take it you’ll have the latte, extra heavy cream with two pumps caramel, two pumps cinnamon, and cinnamon-brown sugar mix dusted on top?”

Ground Zero’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t have to say that so loud.”

“No shame.” You chuckled despite yourself. “Plenty of people take their coffee sweet, too.”

“Don’t spare Blasty’s feelings!” Eijirou laughed. “Even Mr. ‘Nothing is spicy enough’ likes sweets on occasion.”

“You better shut your mouth!” Ground Zero snapped, his tone climbing with each word. Curiously, Eijirou kept laughing, and tapped at his own ear.

“Right, got it.” The blonde grumbled. “Too loud.”

“Here you go, boys.”

“I have a name, you know.” The blonde held the cup up, scowling. “I’m off work, damn it. You called Shitty hair by his name on the cup.”

“It’s not like you introduced yourself between eating shit against the building and going in for surgery.” Eijirou scoffed.

“And you did?”

“Kiri stayed with me while they gave me IV fluids.” You supplied bashfully. “And I wanted to know when you made it out okay.”

“Call me Bakugou then.” He made a strangled noise. “When I’m not in suit tearing shit up, I don’t wanna hear ‘Ground Zero’ from you, got it?

“Not your given name?” Eijirou seemed to take a savage joy in goading on the explosive hero. “That’s awful cold, Katsuki. She did save you from a hospital stay and a month off of hero work.”

“Or Katsuki, whatever.” If looks could kill, Eijirou would have dropped dead in his tracks. Bakugou’s eye twitched and small firework-pops crackled off of his palms, clenched into fists at his side.  You hoped that the café regulars were too enamored with the news and their own conversations to notice the sparks flying.

“I can call you Bakugou, if that’s what make you more comfortable. Wouldn’t want to get on your bad side.” You chuckled, carefully watching his expression for his reaction to the playful jab.

“Kacchan’s bark is worse than his bite, at least off of the battlefield.” A new voice drifted in from the door. The emerald curls, gelled up from his undercut, were unmistakable. “I’m afraid that we didn’t get introduced last night. I’m Deku, but you can call me Midoriya if you’d like.”

“Kacchan?” You grinned wickedly. “Isn’t that so cute!”

Bakugou bristled. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, you fucking nerd!” He whipped around to snarl at the green-haired hero that had just walked in. For someone who was effectively co-workers with the number one hero, Bakugou acted like he despised the man.

“Aw, pump the breaks Kacchan.” Midoriya scrunched his freckled nose in a wide grin. “I’m just here to say hello to the woman who saved your life last night. So, this is where Kiri has been getting your coffee from? It’s such a nice little café, I think I’ll have stop by more often.”

“Like hell you will! We found it first!” Bakugou growled, stepping between you and Deku, while Eijirou chimed in the background, “I think you mean that I found it first.”

“Boys, boys, you’re all very pretty.” You ducked around the pro hero’s side, attempting to soothe the bickering. “I have plenty of coffee to go around. “

“You’re not keeping her as your personal barista and healer, Kacchan.”

“What happened to keeping this on the down-low?” Bakugou suddenly stiffened, whispering harshly.

“I think someone is feeling a bit embarrassed.” Eijirou rolled his eyes.

“I got my shit rocked on national television, of fucking course I feel embarrassed.” The blonde snapped. “But for her safety, I thought we agreed to keep any rescue shit-talk out of the public eye.”

Wincing, you looked up at him. “I think they’re calling you saving that family the rescue of the year though. And lots of people have minor healing quirks.”

Whipping his head back and forth, he snagged the strings of your apron and tugged you behind the coffee bar, through the doorway into the kitchen.

“Wait!” The two other heroes followed suit, chasing you as Bakugou dragged you out of the public eye.

“You don’t have a ‘minor healing quirk.’ “ He scowled, placing a hand on each of your shoulders, hands trembling as if he were resisting the urge to shake you. You could feel the residual heat of his calloused palms, the threat of an explosion ghosting along your skin and sending shivers up your spine.

“You have a self-destructive healing quirk that has major potential to get you kidnapped. Do you know the League of Villains would do to get their hands on you? Or fuck it, the Hero Commission? They’d keep you caged up like some animal to fix up their toys as they broke so that they could be sent out scot-free again.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.” Out of the corner of your eye, you could see Midoriya and Eijirou recoil, especially as the blonde hero turned his ire towards them once again. “Is some kind of joke to you two? Kirishima, if you could take two minutes to keep it in your pants, and Deku, if you could be serious, we need to come up with a plan.”

“Yes, Kacchan.” Midoriya and Eijirou nodded.

“Where do you live?” His burning eyes narrowed in your direction once again.

Swallowing thickly, you met his gaze. “In the loft above the café.”

“Hmm. Who all knows about the full extent of your quirk?”

“Just my parents, and my best friend from middle school, who moved to the states while we were in college.”

“Maybe she should stay with one of us?” Midoriya offered. “Just to see if anyone’s decided to target her?”

Panic froze your feet to the floor. “I don’t think that’s necessary.” You laughed nervously, fiddling with the apron strings tied at your hip. “I mean, you’re all very nice, but I could never ask that of anyone. I’m up at 4 in the morning to get the café ready to open at five, and walking alone in the dark is not my forte.” Especially if I might as well have a big target painted on my forehead now.

“The League definitely keeps an eye on our flats. They might not have made the connection that she’s done anything yet, but moving her in would be a surefire way to draw their attention. Also, there’s no way the Commission would just ignore someone else hanging out all the time.” Eijirou argued. “I think it would be better to set up surveillance on the café and her loft, and maybe get her a panic button or something.”

“A panic button.” Bakugou snorted. “I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but there are these novel things called ‘cellphones.’ “

“And if she can’t call?” Midoriya raised an eyebrow.

“Brave words for someone who dropped his location to Icy-Hot, with literally no context, in the middle of an alleyway, and he magically appeared anyways.”

Sighing and stepping between the two bickering men, Eijirou held his hand out expectantly. “Here, I’ll put our numbers in your phone. We should probably scope out your apartment later.”

“I close at five tonight.” You offered, passing your cell to him, contacts open. “I’ll probably be done cleaning up by six, but you’re free to drop by whenever you get the chance after that. All of this feels pretty crazy though. It’s not like I did anything out in the open.”

Turning on the full force of his overwhelming intensity, Bakugou rounded on you once again, having caught the tail of your conversation. “There’s a couple articles floating around. You’re in the pictures, being floated to the hospital, and some low life bloggers are wondering how I was fine so soon afterwards, when Recovery Girl was on the other side of the country for some other case.” Venom dripped from his words, as if this were your fault somehow.

“It’s not my fault that I helped you!” Anger leaked into your voice. You couldn’t believe that he had the audacityto blame you for this. “Don’t talk to me like it is. I couldn’t not do anything. It’s a wonder that hit didn’t do worse, and I am certainly not responsible for them taking me to the hospital with you.”

In frustration, you stormed out of the kitchen, straightening your apron and apologizing to the handful of customers who were waiting by the cash register. A friendly smile and a few discounted coffees later, they sat down at a booth. The heroes were still in your kitchen, and you felt your resolve to ignore them crumbling. “I did give Kiri and Bakugou free coffee earlier.” You mumbled to yourself, a mischievous idea taking root; Bakugou’s buttons were so easy to press.

Leaning around the corner, you poked your head back through the kitchen doorway. The heroes froze, their argument in low tones evaporating with your return. “Midoriya!” You grinned, drawing out the syllables playfully and deliberately ignoring the blonde hero’s angry stare. “How do you like your coffee? Sweet as you are?”

“Uh, umm” He stuttered and his eyes darted between you and the door. “With oat milk, white chocolate and toffee, and iced please.”

“Coming right up! On the house.” The sound of sparks dancing off of Bakugou’s palms eased your flare of anger, taking a little bit of satisfaction in riling up the blonde in return, and you set about making the drink.

The trio must have finally decided to drop their discussion, and shortly followed you out to wait by the coffee bar. Bakugo turned his back to you, eyeing the door and clutching his coffee  while Midoriya and Eijirou resigned themselves to facing you, their awkward expressions apologetic. The other café patrons were thankfully still transfixed by the TVs, oblivious to the situation at hand.

“Here’s your phone back.” Eijirou mumbled, setting your phone on the counter. “He doesn’t mean it. He’s just frustrated and annoyed, nothing against you personally. It’s just kinda how he is, ya know? He takes it out on everyone. He’s been this way since he was a teenager, but he doesn’t blame you. Promise.”

“Hmm. I suppose I can accept your apology on his behalf, just this once.” You whispered back, sliding a coffee cup to Midoriya, who sipped it gratefully.

“We’ll be back later. Come on, nerds.” Bakugo’s voice was gruff as he called over his shoulder. “We have a meeting and a patrol shift soon.”

The heroes left and an unease settled in your gut at their absence, acutely missing their larger than life presence. Even as the customers milled about, coming up for refills and pastries, their words weighed on your mind. Villains and Heroes had never been a major point of contention in your life; a quirk like yours wasn’t suited for the spotlight, and like thousands of others, accepted your fate as a civilian.

The coffee shop felt like a homage to another era, before quirks existed. The small planters bloomed in the window display under your mindful care, without any sparks of magic to enhance their color or growth. The coffee beans that arrived each week were roasted delicately by hand, and each new drink was born from trial and error; no surprising powers of charm or persuasion lured customers to your door. It was an honest life that you were proud of, built with hard work and love.

Ringing up another customer and brewing the earl grey tea for a London Fog, it felt like your head was ringing. Your quirk had never been an active threat to your well-being. You had gained some control over the years, having only been able to tend minor scratches and bruises as a child, but never showed enough promise to be recruited into the medical field as a young teen. Even now, the drawbacks were too great. Healing left you exhausted, and the more extensive the injury, the greater the fatigue.

It wasn’t like you came from a family of fantastic heroes either. Your mother worked as a doctor in a wound care and surgical center because she could clean infected tissue at the expense of the patient’s energy. Your father’s quirk was completely unrelated to your own, allowing him to sculpt metal by heating his hands, albeit without flames. It was hard to believe that the arguably worse version of your mother’s quirk made you a target, but the underlying assumptions behind it sent shivers of fear down your spine. If there was no regard for your well-being, your quirk could be indispensable, could be used to patch anyone up at the expense of draining you dry.

Nevertheless, the hours ticked by, dread worrying the pit of your stomach. Bile rose in the back of your throat the longer your anxious thoughts raced. Without the grace of someone with a more offensive quirk, there was little you could do to defend yourself.

Maybe Bakugou was right to be annoyed, but he didn’t have the right to be such an ass about it. Closing time was only half an hour away, and the customers had dwindled in the shop. The pleasant humming of customers faded, exposing every raw nerve that you had. The last person was out, and at 5:06,

... there was a knock.

Snapping to attention, you jerked towards the doors, feeling a strange mixture of relief and annoyance upon seeing Bakugou waiting by the door. Sighing, you called out, “It’s still unlocked.”

He didn’t enter though. He leaned partially against the window with one hand, the other shoved deep into the pocket of his white jeans. He had the hood up on his black and gold hoodie, but not enough to conceal his distinctive blonde hair and you could have sworn his red eyes could burn a hole through anything as he peered in the window. He must not have heard you, and you steeled your resolve to go and let him in.

“Shitty Hair sent me.” He grumbled.

“Hmm.” You hummed in response, wandering back behind the counter to tuck away the extra bottles of syrup and take down the pastry display. “Make yourself at home then.”

The hero looked even more uncomfortable, his shifting gaze never lingering on anything for too long, before he spotted the bottle of disinfectant. To your surprise, he started wiping off tables, but you don’t breath a word, afraid to break the uncanny silence.

At 5:45, Eijirou, Midoriya, and a woman you could only assume was Uravity knocked, and Bakugou dropped the supplies as if he had been burned. Midoriya was the first to heckle him, teasing “Kacchan, I didn’t know that you could be helpful!”

“I was bored, you damn nerd. That’s all.”

The heroes were almost unrecognizably causal. Uravity and Midoriya were in matching letterman jackets, sky blue and patterned with delicate pink cherry blossoms falling from slender black branches, with Shouto written across the back in a beautiful script. Eijirou was also devastatingly casual, wearing baggy, low-rise black jeans and a white v-neck that dipped dangerously below his collar bones. His long red hair was up in his trademark loose ponytail, spilling over his shoulders and down his back.

“So nice to see you again! I’m Uraraka.” Her smile glowed as she bounced forward to greet you. “It’s nice to really see the place that Kirishima and Bakugo talk so much about.”

A frown creased your features. “I think I would have remembered Bakugou coming in for coffee. Doesn’t Kiri just get his?” You mumbled, panicking as you realized it was out loud.

Thankfully, Uraraka giggled. “No, he just won’t let Kiri get coffee from anywhere else now. I think the whole agency knows his order by now.”

“It’s just the least shitty.” Bakugou growled. “But whatever. I have shit to do, so let’s get this over with.”

“Lead the way.” Midoriya smiled kindly.

The stairs to the flat were in the kitchen, the door tucked out of sight next to a supply closet. Butterflies fluttered in your chest, and a sudden self-consciousness that almost froze you in place. The apartment was an intimate insight into your life and personality. Your reading was on the living room table, and cherished photos hung on the walls. Is my laundry hanging up to dry? You winced at the thought.

“Welcome!” You forced a smile and led them to the kitchen table. “So, what do you need to check out?”

“We’re not trying to invade your privacy more than necessary.” Midoriya looked solemn, glancing at you shyly from underneath his lashes. “I was thinking we should put a camera right in the stairway that faces the entrance, another on the fire escape, and one on the outside of each of your windows. Then, we can just set up a bunch around the café.”

“Oh,” You relaxed into your seat. “That’s not as bad as I was expecting.”

Midoriya and Uraraka were  sitting ram-rod straight at your table, posture stiff and schooled. Eijirou was examining your end table in the living room, carefully turning your favorite candle in his hands, while Bakugou trailed behind like a sullen shadow.

“We just want to make sure you’re safe.” Uraraka reassured. “We’ll probably change the patrol route to make sure that we stop by here, but we won’t be in the shop every time. If nothing is weird, we’ll leave you be after a while.”

“I’m glad.” The remaining tension left your shoulders, and you let out a sigh of relief. “I really don’t want to put my life on pause. I’ve worked really hard for what I have here. “

“Of course!” Eijirou looked over his shoulder, now surveying the sliding glass door that led to the fire escape. “This is the best place in town, and I don’t think I’ll ever stay awake through another Commission meeting without my usual again. Plus, we owe you big time. It’s our fault that you’re starting to get some media attention.”

“Do the cameras need plug-ins or batteries?” You asked cautiously.

“Nah,  they’re the special surveillance ones Chargebolt rigged, and we’ll get a notification if the battery is less than 25%. We’ve just gotta get them set up. Uraraka can up to stick them, then make ‘em weightless so they don’t fall down.”

At Eijirou’s words, you could see Uraraka tapping her fingers, jumping up to stick the device to the ceiling. With a frown of concentration, she pulled out her phone, checking the feed and fiddling with the camera until it was angled to her satisfaction before drifting back to the floor.

“We can take it from here. Feel free to go back to closing, or what you usually do in the evening. Don’t be afraid to let us know if you need anything.” Midoriya nodded before excitedly leaning in closer, eyes sparkling with the enthusiasm of a little kid. “Also, at some point, can I study your quirk? I keep notebooks of all different quirks I encounter, and yours is so interesting.”

“Shut your trap, nerd!” Bakugou growled from behind Eijirou, who jumped and clutched his partner’s arm. “Stop acting like we’re at the damn zoo. Save it for later.”

“Am not, Kacchan!” Midoriya whined. Turning to you, he put up his hands in a peace gesture. “I think we better get going, though. I think today’s probably been quite the day for you. Uraraka will set those up outside, and we’ll be out of your hair.”

Snagging Bakugou’s sleeve, Midoriya pulled him unwillingly down the stairs, with Uraraka having already moved on to install the security cameras in the café. Despite his tough front, the blonde didn’t fight too much, only grimacing and batting away the other hero’s hand as they left.

“Hey Kiri,” You said nervously, before the hero had the chance to follow his teammates out of your apartment. “Thanks for having Bakugou come over to be there while I was closing. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you guys said this morning. I just feel so uneasy, like every stranger could be dangerous and I can’t do anything to save myself. It really set my mind at ease to have someone else there.”

“I bet.” He winced with sympathy. “But I didn’t ship Bakugou out here. He volunteered, and you didn't hear that from me.”

[lustfordespair]

always forever

SEASON 15 SPOILERS! Summary: You and Dean are a couple. Knowing what happens in season 15, this is basically you dealing with his death and the fact you were with child when he passed. The guilt of never telling him you were pregnant. It eats you up inside that you’ve lived longer than him but that wait pays off. Also, I listened to Always Forever by Cult on repeat writing this! It’s what inspired it too. Hope y’all enjoy! Warning: Angst, pure angst. Mentions of Death.  Mentions of Pregnancy. Teenager Things. Word Count: 2723

You and me, always forever. 

Say you’ll say never be seperate. 

She sat in the back of the impala confused on why the boys were taking a while, it was just a simple vampire nest to knock out, she knew they’d be able to by themselves due to the fact the Winchester brother’s have been in the hunting business longer than she had. 

I know what you’re thinking, why didn’t she just do the wipeout with the boys? Well she had been keeping a secret, they didn’t question her though when she insisted on waiting. “Those damn boys, what could be taking them so long?” she said aloud, exiting the vehicle and making her way inside. 

Slowly walking in her eyes blinked several times in disbelief at the sight before her. Sam standing before Dean, who was . . impaled? 

“Sam.” she spoke, causing the tall male to turn around. “(Y-Y/n)” he began. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He continued to speak but her thoughts blocked him out as she made her way to Dean. “He’s okay right?” she asked, not expecting an answer. 

“He’s-” 

“No. He’s not!” she placed her hands on Dean cheeks with tears beginning to fall from her eyes, “Dean- Dean! You can wake up now! Y-You’re fine! I know you are!” she reached for his hand for a pulse only to be met with no heartbeat and a hand placed on her shoulder. She turned to Sam.

“W-What are you doing! GET HIM OFF! GET HIM OFF-” she was sobbing at this point, yelling at the younger Winchester, doing as he was told although it pained him to pull his older brother's lifeless body off. He gently laid him on the ground. 

The two sat there for a while, Sam holding a crying (Y/n) in his arms. 

--------------------------------------------

It was the day after they had Dean’s “funeral”, burning it more was. 

(Y/n) made her way to the fridge, pouring herself a glass of milk and herself down at the table, silently reading a book to herself. 

“So were you ever gonna tell him?” 

She looked up to the door to be met with Sam’s gaze, “Tell who what-”

“Dean.” he spoke, holding up a pregnancy test he had found in the trash a few days back. Yeah a few days, he had knew but never really knew when to bring it up. 

She took a drink of her milk and sighed, a single tear threatening her eyes. “I was, yeah. Never got to though, you know?” Sam only nodded at her comment and proceeded to grab himself a bowl of cereal. 

Miracle soon walked his way in and barked, causing (Y/n) tp get up from her seat, “Don’t worry boy, I’ll get you some breakfast too.” She got out a pan and some eggs, even before Dean passed she’d always cook Miracle an egg or two. 

“Really you made the dog eggs but not me?” a deep voice asked. 

She turned and smiled, “Yes, Dean I did. Not my fault you didn’t want to get up a little earlier for breakfast.” 

The male made his way towards (Y/n) and gave her a kiss on the head, then the cheek, her nose, her other cheek, her neck.. and finally on the lips. 

“Ew jeez, if y’all are going to do that go back to your room.” Sam spoke, resulting in a laugh from (Y/n). 

“Well, don’t mind if I do.” Dean swept her off her feet and made his way out the kitchen and to their room. 

“(Y/n)? (Y/n)???”

She blinked a few times before looking at Sam, “What?” she asked. “Uhm, you okay? You drifted off a bit.” he spoke. She realized she was still in the kitchen, she took a deep breath. “Yeah I’m fine, sorry.”

With that the two proceeded on with their day. 

--------------------------------------------

“SAM! SAM! OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO SCREAM!” she shouted.

Sam rushed out of his room and ran to (Y/n)’s with Miracle barking behind, ‘(Y/n!) What’s wrong?” he spotted the girl with her hand on her stomach, leaning over her desk. 

She gulped and looked at the male, “It is damn time Samuel!” and with that Sam panicked. He grabbed the emergency bag they had prepared for the day and made his way to the impala, starting it and driving.

“I can’t believe it’s happening! I’m going to be an uncle!” he shouted turning to the passengers seat, “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!” he turned the car around realizing he forgot the most important thing to the hospital: (Y/n).

“I’M SORRY I FORGOT YOU” he began, “SHUT UP AND TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL SAM!” “OKAY OKAY SORRY!”

They then made their way to the hospital, both of them knowing they’d remember the day the kid’s Uncle Sammy forget their mom when she was giving birth. Soon, they arrived.

There laid (Y/n) beginning to give birth, squeezing Sam’s hand and yelling at him for letting his brother get her pregnant, as if it was his fault. 

“Come on (Y/n)! One more push!” the doctor shouted. 

She cried, “I can’t.. I can’t anymore!” Tears were forming in her eyes, still holding onto Sam’s hand.

“Hey, you got this babygirl.” 

(Y/n) turned her head the opposite direction of Sam and stared at the love of her life, “Dean..”

“(Y/n), you got this.” he grabbed her hand, “You’re the strongest woman I know, so you push that kid out and be the best mother in the world!” he shouted. He then leaned to her ear and whispered, “I love you.”

She nodded and took a deep breath before pushing one last time.

--------------------------------------------

“Mary!!” 

Giggling could be heard around the house hold, along with Miracle’s barks. 

“Mary Deana Winchester you get your butt in here and put your shoes on now!” (Y/n) shouted. “No! Momma, no!” 

(Y/n) stood in the living room arms crossed, wearing a simple black dress, her hair up and heels. “Mary please, I promise you and I can have a burger night and watch any movie of your choice.” 

Suddenly, a little girl around the age of 4 made her way into the living room, Miracle following behind. “Can we watch Frozen..?” (Y/n) laughed, “Of course.” she made her way to the couch and sat down, watching as Mary grabbed her shoes and climbed up on the couch. 

“Alright little one, ready to go?” she asked, hearing Mary’s little yes in response. (Y/n) picked the little girl up, grabbed her purse and began to make her way out the door.

“You two look beautiful, especially you.”

(Y/n) looked at Dean and smiled, “You’re always for flattering, Winchester.”

He chuckled, “I know.”

“Bye Miracle! We’ll be back soon buddy.”

“Sorry we took a bit! Somebody didn’t wanna put her shoes on.” She spoke. 

“It’s fine! As long as my best man and flower girl is here.” Sam smiled and gave Mary a hug before hugging (Y/n). “Ahem, I’d prefer best lady” she smirked. Sam rolled his eyes, “Hey no matter what you are the best huh?”, “Well of course I am!” she smiled at the younger Winchester’s remark.

“Ah, she looks so cute!” (Y/n) whispered to Sam as Mary walked down the isle happily spreading rose petals around, even handing a few people some directly in their hands. He nodded in agreement. 

“Mommy?” Mary looked up at (Y/n) as they ate a burger, watching Frozen, the pair still in their outfits from the wedding. “Yes, Mary-Dean?” she looked down at the little girl. “Did daddy like burgers?” she asked.

(Y/n) smiled, “Your daddy LOVED burgers.” 

“Really?” Mary asked, “Yeah.” (Y/n) giggled at the girl, she had mustard on the side of her mouth, “Would make a mess like you too.” she spoke as she wiped the mustard off. 

“Alright kiddo! Come on, it’s time for bed.” 

“Mommy, can I sleep with you tonight?” 

“Of course kiddo.”

--------------------------------------------

“I miss you.” 

“I know you do, babe.”

(Y/n) and Dean danced together, it was their wedding. She’d giggle when he’d spin her around and she’s apologize when she’d step on his shoe.

“She asks about you, you know. Mary.”

“Curious about her handsome father?”

She rolled her eyes, “Of course.”

Dean dipped her and pulled her back up. He kissed her forehead, then her cheek, her nose, her other cheek, and stopped.

“Hey! You missed the lips buddy.” she spoke. “I know.”

Dean placed his hands on her shoulders, a sad look on his face. “Why haven’t you let go yet?”

“What..?”

“Let go. LET GO. LET GO. LET GO.-”

“Mommy wake up!!” Mary shouted. 

“Wha? Huh?” (Y/n) looked at her daughter, “What is it Mary?” she asked

“You were crying in your sleep..”

--------------------------------------------

“Mary Deana Winchester! It is 12am, your curfew is 10:30 and you know that!”

“Sorry mom, jeez, I was just hanging out with friends.” Mary responded.

“I get that but I told you if you were gonna even be 5 minutes late to text me! Something could’ve happened to you and I wouldn’t know!” (Y/n) shouted.

“Jesus mom calm down! You act like monsters exist, I was just with friends, Avery remember?” Mary spoke. 

(Y/n) scoffed, “I know you weren’t with Avery, she stopped by asking for you while you were gone.” She crossed her arms.

“Fine mom, I was with Tyler what’s it matter?”

“Mary-Dean you know I don’t trust that boy!” 

“I don’t care! It’s my life!”

“Don’t you raise your voice at me little girl.” (Y/n) was furious at this point, which she hated. She hated yelling at Mary cause when she looked into her eyes she always saw Dean’s eyes.

“I can if I want to! And you know what! Sometimes I wish it was you instead of dad. He would’ve been cooler than you in this situation.” Mary made her way upstairs to her room, unaware that her sentence affected (Y/n) greatly. 

“You know she didn’t mean it, babe.”

“It doesn’t matter, Dean. It still hurt.” she placed her hand on her arm and rubbed it, the same way he would when she was upset.

“She’s just a teenager.” he spoke.

“I miss her being small.” (Y/n) turned to the male figure, “And I miss you.” 

--------------------------------------------

Mary and Dean, Sam’s son, always got along, no matter the 4 year age difference. Ever since Sam got married and (Y/n) felt like she wasn’t important to him anymore, they met up every Friday for dinner. Specifically her Dean’s favorite, pizza and burgers.

“Look at those two getting long, how old is Mary again?” Sam asked, beer in his hand.

(Y/n) sighed, “16. Which is so weird to say.” she looked at the kids talking to each other then to Sam. “The other day she said she wish her dad was still here and not me.” 

Sam almost spit up his drink, it wasn’t like he liked to drink a lot of beer anyways, “I’m sure she didn’t mean it.” he reassured her. “You’re her only mother, she’s just growing up”

“Yeah and that sucks Sam.” she admitted, “I know, but it happens. We have to deal with it as we get older.” 

(Y/n) scoffed, “Did you just call me old?” Sam raised his hands and shook his head, “No! That’s not what I meant!” She chuckled at his reaction.

Soon, Sam’s wife walked outside with the pizza and burgers. “Mary! Dean! Come dig in!” she shouted.

(Y/n) looked at Sam and Sam looked at her, both with pizza in their hands. 

“Cheers!” they shouted.

“Cheers!”

(Y/n) looked at Dean and smiled.

“Dork.”

--------------------------------------------

Mary came home crying.

“Mary? What’s wrong?” (Y/n) asked as the girl ran to her room and slammed the door. 

She sighed, realizing she may know exactly what happened, what she predicted. 

(Y/n) grabbed the container of ice cream in the fridge and made her way upstairs, “Mary? Love, it’s mom.” she spoke.

“Go away.” Mary responded.    

Silence.

“I got ice cream.”

Just like that the door opened.

She made her way to Mary’s bed and sat down, “What happened, love?” she asked. “You were right about Tyler.” Mary sniffled, “He broke up with me for Avery.”

“Avery? Seriously- you know what I never liked that girl in the first place with that one weird tooth and the way she’d wear pig tails and-” Mary giggled at her mother’s comments and grabbed the ice cream and a spoon form (Y/n)’s hand. 

“I’m sorry about what I said 2 weeks ago..” Mary paused. “I love you mom.”

“I love you too, Mary.” she kissed Mary’s forehead and they both dug in.

“Ya know, I’d beat that Tyler kid’s ass for hurting my little girl.”

(Y/n) giggled “ I know you would Dean.”

“I know you would.”

--------------------------------------------

(Y/n) never thought she’d live to see the day. She always thought it was gonna be her next, not Sam.

She sat there in the church, Mary by her side, holding onto her hand.

She really couldn’t believe it. While most told her she was lucky to outlive the Winchester’s, they didn’t understand that- she never wanted to. She’s still living her life, she watched the people she’s loved pass and it affected her a lot. Especially today, being Sam’s funeral. 

“Come on mom.” Mary began, “Let’s get you home.”

Mary helped (Y/n) into the car and began to drive her home. She couldn’t help but notice her mother’s look on her face, “You okay ma?”

(Y/n) simply shook her head, “Both of my best friend’s are gone Mary..” 

Mary’s face was full of sorrow, she really did feel sorry for her mother. “Mom? Can I ask you something?” “Hm..?”

“Even after I was born, after all these years.. why did you never date? Never move on?” Mary asked.

(Y/n) looked at her before looking out the window, “No one could ever replace your father. He was the best and..” she paused, “Truly the love of my life.”

“As you are mine, sweetheart.” Dean smirked. 

--------------------------------------------

Mary sat there sadly, she knew the day would come but she never wanted it to.

                                                 (Y/n) (L/n)

                                Loving mother. Loving daughter.

Tears rolled down Mary’s cheek, “I love you mommy.” she spoke. 

She never thought that someone could truly die from a broken heart.

That’s what got to (Y/n), a broken heart. Mary knew her mother lived a eventful life, so it was no surprised when she processed what she had died from. Although she was sad now, she knew her mother was happy. She knew she was up in heaven with the Winchester brothers.

--------------------------------------------

(Y/n) walked around confusingly, she didn’t know where she was at but she did know she was young again. She stared at her hands and touched her (h/c) hair once again, no longer gray.

“(Y/n)?” a voice called out.

She turned out, “B-Bobby?” she asked.

The man chuckled, “Well it’s about damn time you got here.”

She tilted her head a bit, “Here?”

He smiled, “Heaven silly.” Bobby chuckled once again at (Y/n)’s reaction, “Yeah, ‘long time ago for you Jack changed the place up. We’re all together here.”

(Y/n)’s mouth opened a bit, “We’re?” Bobby nodded and began pointing, “Rufus lives there, The boys parents there.. speaking of the boys Dean sure damn hell has been waitin for you.”

Her eyes got teary, “Dean?”

“That’s my name doll, don’t wear it out.” 

“DEAN!” (Y/n) shouted and ran towards the male, jumping on him for a hug which thankfully he caught her.

“Sammy and I been waiting for you baby. Matter of fact we were just talking about you.” he admitted.

(Y/n) wasn’t even listening to him, just kissing him all over his face.

“Oh Dean! I’ve missed you!” 

“And I’ve missed you too (Y/n)” 

Dean planted a sweet kiss on her lips and pulled away, “Come on! Sammy and I are having burgers and beer tonight!”

She just smiled, “I love you, Dean Winchester,”

He smirked, “I love you most, (Y/n) (L/n).”

You and me, always forever.

We could stay alone together.

Author’s Note: OH MY GOODNESS I WROTE THIS IN A DAY. I was in fact, on a roll. I’m not even gonna lie I teared up writing the end cause Dean deserved so much :( Anyways, I hope y’all enjoyed the story! My hands hurt not aha! 

[marlborodean]

spn quotes: season two

i’m collecting a bunch of quotes from the show! my favorite lines, good points of characterization, etc. all organized by episode and character, and with timestamps!

w/ncest shippers get lost

season one.

1. IN MY TIME OF DYING

Dean—

I’ve done everything you have ever asked me. Everything. I’ve given everything I’ve ever had. Now you’re just gonna sit there and you’re gonna watch me die? I mean, what the hell kind of father are you? (11:14)

So you’re okay with dying? [Tessa: No, of course not. I just think, whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen. It’s out of my control. It’s just...fate.] Hm. That’s crap. You always have a choice. You can either roll over and die, or you can keep fighting no matter what. (18:48)

There’s no such thing as an honorable death. My corpse is gonna rot in the ground, and my family is gonna die. (30:38)

[John: You know, when, uh...when you were a kid, I’d come home from a hunt, and after what I’d seen, I’d be...I’d be wrecked. And you...you’d come up to me, and you’d put your hand on my shoulder, and you’d look me in the eye, and you’d...you’d say, “It’s okay, Dad.” Dean, I’m sorry.] Why? [You shouldn’t have had to say that to me, I should’ve been saying that to you. You know, I put...I put too much on your shoulders. I made you grow up too fast. You took care of Sammy, you took care of me. You did that. And you didn’t complain, not once.] (37:27)

Sam—

How is revenge gonna help him? You're not thinking about anybody but yourself. It's the same selfish obsession! (13:17)

I don't know how to help you. But I'll keep trying, alright? As long as you keep fighting. I mean, come on, you can't...you can't leave me here alone with Dad, we'll kill each other, you know that. Dean, you gotta hold on. You can't go, man, not now. We were just starting to be brothers again. (28:36)

Misc—

Tessa: You'll stay here for years—disembodied, scared. And over the decades, it'll probably drive you mad. Maybe you'll even get violent. [Dean: What are you saying?] Dean, how do you think angry spirits are born? They can't let go, and they can't move on. And you're about to become one: the same thing you hunt. (31:15)

Azazel: If only your boys knew how much their daddy loved them. (32:15)

2. EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN

Dean—

[Ellen: I’m so sorry.] It’s okay. We’re alright. [Really. I know how close you and your dad—] Really, lady, I’m fine. (11:37)

[Sam: You ever notice Dad had a falling-out with just about everybody? Don’t get all maudlin on me, man.] What do you mean? [I mean this strong, silent thing of yours. It’s crap, I’m over it.] Oh my God. [This isn’t just anyone we’re talking about, this is Dad. I know how you felt about the man.] You know what? Back off, alright? Just because I’m not caring and sharing like you want me to— [No no no, that’s not what this is about, Dean. I don’t care how you deal with this, but you have to deal with it, man! Listen, I’m your brother, alright? I just wanna make sure you’re okay.] Dude, I’m okay! I’m okay, okay? I swear, the next person who asks me if I’m okay, I’m gonna start throwing punches. These are your issues. Quit dumping them on me. [What are you talking about?] I just think it’s really interesting, this sudden obedience you have to Dad. It’s like, “Oh, what would Dad want me to do?” Sam, you spent your entire life slugging it out with that man. I mean, hell, you—you picked a fight with him the last time you ever saw him, and now that he’s dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I’m sorry, Sam, but you can’t. It’s too little, too late. [Why are you saying this to me?] Because I want you to be honest with yourself about this! I’m dealing with Dad’s death! Are you? (29:48)

Sam—

[Dean: This case was your idea. By the way, why is that? You were awfully quick to jump on this job.] So? [It's just not like you, that's all. I thought you were hell-bent for leather on the demon hunt.] I don't know, I just think taking this job, it's what Dad would have wanted us to do. (16:57)

[Mr. Cooper: You see, this place is a refuge for outcasts, always has been, for folks that don't fit in nowhere else. But you two...you should go to school, find a couple of girls, have 2.5 kids. Live regular.] Sir, we don't want to go school, and we don't want regular. We want this. (22:34)

[Dean: I thought that once the demon was dead and the fat lady sings that you were gonna take off, head back to wussy state.] I'm having second thoughts. [Really?] Yeah. I think Dad would have wanted me to stick with the job. [Since when do you give a damn what Dad wanted? You spent half your life doing what he didn't want, Sam.] Since he died, okay? You have a problem with that? (23:27)

I'm sorry that the last time I was with him, I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know, he died thinking that I hate him. So you're right. What I'm doing right now, it is too little. It's too late. I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right, not at all. But neither are you. That much I know. (39:04)

3. BLOODLUST

Dean—

So I picked up this crossbow, and I hit that ugly sucker—silver-tipped arrow, right in his heart. Sammy’s waiting in the car, and me and my dad take the thing into the woods, burn it to a crisp. I’m sitting there, and I’m looking into the fire, I’m thinking to myself, “I’m 16 years old. Kids my age are worried about pimples, prom dates. I’m seeing things that they’ll never even know, never even dream of.” So right then, I just sort of.... [Gordon: Embraced the life?] Yeah. (16:16)

You’re always saying to yourself, “He’s indestructible. He’ll always be around. Nothing can kill my dad.” And just like that, he’s gone. I can’t talk about this to Sammy. No, I got to keep my game face on. But, uh...truth is, I’m not handling it very well. I feel like I have this— [Gordon: Hole inside you? And it just gets bigger and bigger and darker and darker? Good. You can use it. Keeps you hungry. Trust me, there’s plenty out there needs killing, and this will help you do it. Dean, it’s not a crime to need your job.] (18:32)

[Gordon: It’s all black-and-white. There’s no maybe. You find the bad thing, kill it. See, most people spend their lives in shades of gray. Is this right? Is that wrong? Not us.] Not sure Sammy would agree with you, but, uh. [Doesn’t seem like your brother’s much like us. I’m not saying he’s wrong, just different. You and me, we were born to do this. It’s in our blood.] (20:22)

[Sam: You know what? You slap on this big smile, but I can see right through it, ‘cause I know how you feel, Dean. Dad’s dead. And he left a hole, and it hurts so bad you can’t take it. But you can’t just fill up that hole with whoever you want to.] (27:47)

[Gordon: You’re not like your brother. You’re a killer, like me.] (37:08)

I wish we never took this job. It just jacked everything up. [Sam: What do you mean?] Think about all the hunts we went on, Sammy, our whole lives. [Okay.] What if we killed things that didn’t deserve killing. You know? I mean, the way Dad raised us. [Dean, after what happened to Mom...Dad did the best he could.] I know he did. But maybe he wasn’t perfect. And the way he raised us, to hate those things—and man, I hate them. I do. When I killed that vampire at the mill, I didn’t even think about it. Hell, I even enjoyed it. [You didn’t kill Lenore.] No, but every instinct told me to. I was gonna kill her. I was gonna kill them all. (40:20)

Sam—

[Gordon: Well, lighten up a little, Sammy!] He's the only one that gets to call me that. (15:05)

4. CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS

Dean—

Going to visit Mom’s grave? She doesn’t even have a grave. There was no body left after the fire. [Sam: She has a headstone.] Yeah, put up by our uncle, a man that we’ve never even met. So you wanna go pay resects to a slab of granite put up by a stranger? Come on. [Dean, that’s not the point.] Well, them enlighten me, Sam. [It’s not about a body or a casket. It’s about her memory, okay? And after Dad, it just—it just feels like the right thing to do.] It’s irrational, is what it is. [Look, man, no one asked you to come.] Why don’t we swing by the roadhouse instead? I mean, we haven’t heard anything on the demon lately. We should be hunting that son-of-a-bitch down. [That’s a good idea! You should! Just drop me off, I’ll hitch a ride, and I’ll meet you there tomorrow.] Right. Stuck with those people, making awkward small talk until you show up. No thanks. (02:48)

[Sam: Look, maybe you’re imagining a hunt where there isn’t one, so you don’t have to think about Mom, or Dad. You wanna take another swing? Go ahead, if it’ll make you feel better.] I don’t need this crap. [Dean, where are you going?] I’m gonna go get a drink. Alone. (09:59)

Look, I get it. Okay? There are people that I would give anything to see again, but what gives you the right? [Sam: Dean.] [Dr. Mason: What are you talking about?] What’s dead should stay dead! (20:51)

[Sam: Dean, I don’t scare easy, but, man, you’re scaring the crap out of me.] Don’t be overdramatic, Sam. [You’re lucky this turned out to be a real case, ‘cause if it wasn’t, you would’ve just found something else to kill. You’re on edge, you’re erratic, except for when you’re hunting, ‘cause then you’re downright scary. You’re tailspinning, man! And you refuse to talk about it, and you won’t let me help you.] I can take care of myself, thanks. [No, you can’t! And you know what? You’re the only one who thinks you should have to. You don’t have to handle this on your own, Dean. No one can.] (21:44)

I’m sorry. [Sam: For what?] The way I’ve been acting. And for Dad. Well, he was your dad, too. It’s my fault that he’s gone. [What are you talking about?] I know you’ve been thinking it. So have I. Doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. Back at the hospital, I had a full recovery. It was a miracle. And five minutes later, Dad’s dead and the Colt’s gone. [Dean....] You can’t tell me there’s not a connection there. I don’t know how the demon was involved, I don’t know how the whole thing went down exactly, but Dad’s dead because of me, and that much I do know. [We don’t know that, not for sure.] Sam, you and Dad, you’re the most important people in my life. And now...I never should’ve come back, Sam, it wasn’t natural, and now look what’s come of it. I was dead, and I should’ve stayed dead. You wanted to know how I was feeling. So tell me, what could you possibly say to make that alright? (38:56)

Sam—

[Dean: Going to visit Mom's grave? She doesn't even have a grave. There was no body left after the fire.] She has a headstone. [Yeah, put up by our uncle, a man that we've never even met. So you wanna go pay your respects to a slab of granite put up by a stranger? Come on.] Dean, that's not the point. [Well, then, enlighten me, Sam.] It's not about a body or a casket. It's about her memory, okay? And after Dad, it just—it just feels like the right thing to do. (02:48)

You're tailspinning, man. And you refuse to talk about it, and you won't let me help you. [Dean: I can take care of myself, thanks.] No, you can't! And you know what? You're the only one who thinks you should have to. You don't have to handle this on your own, Dean. No one can. [Sam, if you bring up Dad's death one more time, I swear—] Please, Dean, it's killing you. Please. We've already lost Dad. We lost Mom. I've lost Jessica. And now I'm gonna lose you, too? (21:44)

5. SIMON SAID

Dean—

You know, one day I’d love to just sit down and eat something that I didn’t have to microwave at a minimart. (18:03)

[Sam: You know, I heard you before, Dean, when Andy made you tell the truth. You’re just as scared of this as I am.] That was mind control! It’s like—it’s like being roofied, man. That doesn’t count. [What?] No, I—I’m calling do-over. [What are you, 7?] Doesn’t matter. Look, we just gotta keep doing what we’re doing, find that evil son of a bitch and kill it. (36:06)

Sam—

[Dean: There's gonna be hunters there. I don't know if—if going in and announcing that you're some supernatural freak with a demonic connection is the best thing, okay?] So I'm a freak now? [You've always been a freak.] (04:14)

Demon came to them when they were kids. Now they're killing people. [Dean: We don't know what Andrew Gallagher is, okay? Could be innocent.] My visions haven't been wrong yet! [What's your point?] My point is, I'm one of them. [No, you're not.] Dean, the demon said he had plans for me and children like me. [Yeah?] Yeah, maybe this is his plan. Maybe we're all a bunch of psychic freaks. Maybe we're all supposed to be— [Killers?] Yeah. [So the demon wants you out there, killing with your minds, is that it? Oh, give me a break. You're not a murderer, Sam! You don't have it in your bones!] No? Last I checked, I kill all kinds of things. [Those things were asking for it. There's a difference.] (10:47)

Looks like I was right. [Dean: About what?] Andy. He's a killer after all. [No, he's a hero. He saved his girlfriend's life. He saved my life.] Bottom line, last night he wasted somebody. [Yeah, but he's not a foaming-at-the-mouth psycho. He was just—he was pushed into that.] Webber was pushed, too, in his own way. Max Miller was pushed. Hell, I was pushed by Jessica's death. [What's your point, Sam?] Right circumstances, everyone is capable of murder. Everyone. (35:28)

6. NO EXIT

Dean—

[Jo: You know, I’ve had it up to here with your crap.] Excuse me? [Your chauvinist crap. You think women can’t do the job.] Sweetheart, this ain’t gender studies. Women can do the job fine. Amateurs can’t. You got no experience! What you do have is a bunch of half-baked romantic notions that some barfly has put in your head. [And now you sound like my mother.] Oh, and that’s a bad thing? (09:56)

Jo, you got options. No on in their right mind chooses this life. My dad started me in this when I was so young. I wish I could do something else. [Jo: You love the job.] Yeah, but I’m a little twisted. [You don’t think I’m a little twisted, too?] Jo, you got a mother that worries about you, who wants something more for you. Those are good things. You don’t throw things like that away. They might be hard to find later. (10:24)

[Jo: What do you remember about your dad? I mean, what’s the first thing that pops into your head? Come on, tell me.] I was 6 or 7, and uh...he took me shooting for the first time. Bottles on a fence—that kind of things. I bull’s-eyed every one of them. And he would smile, like...I don’t know. [He must have been proud.] (16:13)

Sam—

Is this job as glamorous as you thought it would be? [Jo: Well, except for all the pee-your-pants terror, yeah. But that Theresa girl’s gonna live a life ‘cause of us. It’s worth it, isn’t it?] Yeah. Yeah, it is. (36:00)

Misc—

Ellen: I am your mother! I don't have to be reasonable! (03:06)

7. THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Dean—

My name is Dean Winchester. I’m an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach, and frisky women. (21:59)

[Sam: Nice lady.] Yeah, for a cop. (41:19)

Sam—

[Diana: Then about a year ago, there was a fire in your apartment. One fatality—Jessica Moore, your girlfriend. After she died, you fell off the grid—left behind everything.] I needed some time off...to deal. So I’m taking a road trip with my brother. (03:49)

[Dean: What do you think, Scully?] I’m not Scully, you’re Scully. [No, I’m Mulder. You’re a red-headed woman.] (06:35)

8. CROSSROAD BLUES

Dean—

[Sam: We got to find out if anyone else struck any bargains around here.] Great. So we got to clean up these people’s mess for them? I mean, they’re not exactly squeaky clean. Nobody put a gun to their head and forced them to play “Let’s Make a Deal.” [So what, we should just leave them to die?] Somebody goes over Niagara in a barrel, you gonna jump in to try to save them? [Dean.] Alright. Fine. (14:44)

[Demon: You’d sacrifice your life for someone else’s. Like father, like son. (29:01) 

[Demon: I’m not gonna put you out of your misery.] Yeah? Why not? [’Cause your misery is the whole point. It’s too much to watch. Knowing how your daddy died for you, how he sold his soul—I mean, that’s got to hurt. He’s all you ever think about. You wake up and your first thought is, “I can’t do this anymore.” You’re all lit up with pain. I mean, you loved him so much. And it’s all your fault. You blew it, Dean! I could’ve given you what you need.] What do I need? [Your father.] (30:36)

How could he do it? [Sam: He did it for you.] Exactly. How am I supposed to live with that? (38:14)

Sam—

How many people do you think Dad saved total? [Dean: That's not the point, Sam.] Evan Hudson is safe because of what Dad taught us. That's his legacy, Dean. Now we're still here, man, so we got to keep going. For him. (38:48)

Misc—

George: Listen, I get that you boys want to help, but sometimes a person makes their bed and they just got to lie down in it. (17:38)

9. CROATOAN

Dean—

Hey, look, man, I’m not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job, and you know that. [Sam: It's supposed to be tough, Dean. We're supposed to struggle with this. That's the whole point.] What does that buy us? [A clear conscience, for one.] Well, it's too late for that. [What the hell has happened to you?] What? [You might kill an innocent man, and you don't even care. You don't act like yourself anymore, Dean. Hell, you know what, you're acting like one of those things out there.] (25:40)

[Sam: Go with them. This is your only chance.] Ah, you're not gonna get rid of me that easy. (31:17)

[Sam: Dean, I'm sick. It's over for me. It doesn't have to be for you.] No—[No, you can keep going.] Who says I want to? [What?] I'm tired, Sam. I'm tired of this job, this life, this weight on my shoulders, man, I'm tired of it. [So what, so you're just gonna give up? I mean, you're just gonna lay down and die? Look, Dean, I know this stuff with Dad had—] You're wrong. It's not about Dad. I mean, part of it is, sure— [Then what is it about?] (32:54)

I just think we should take a break from all this. Why do we got to get stuck with all the responsibility, you know? Why can't we live life a little bit? [Why are you saying all this? No no no no no, Dean. You're my brother, alright? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit.] I can't. I promised. [Who?] Dad. (39:23)

Sam—

[Dean: Hey, look, man, I'm not happy about this, okay? But it's a tough job, and you know that.] It's supposed to be tough, Dean. We're supposed to struggle with this. That's the whole point. [What does that buy us?] A clear conscience, for one. (25:40)

You're my brother, alright? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit. (39:38)

10. HUNTED

Dean—

He said that he...wanted me to watch out for you. Take care of you. [Sam: He told you that a million times.] Well, this time was different. He said that I had to...save you. [Save me from what?] He just said that I had to save you, and nothing else mattered and that if I couldn't, I'd.... [You'd what, Dean?] I'd have to kill you. He said that I might have to kill you, Sammy. (04:10)

[Sam: How could you not have told me this?] Because it was Dad and he begged me not to. [Who cares? Take some responsibility for yourself Dean! You had no right to keep this from me!] You think I wanted this? Huh? I wish to God he'd never opened his mouth. Then I wouldn't have to walk around with this screaming in my head all day! (05:05)

And you're pissed at me, and I get it. That's fine, I deserve it. But we lay low until we figure out our next move, okay? [Sam: Forget it.] Sam, please, man. Hey, please. Just give me some time. Give me some time to think, okay? I'm begging you here. Please, please. (06:12)

Come on, Ellen, please. Something bad could be going on here, and I swore I'd look after that kid. [Ellen: They say you can't protect your loved ones forever. Well, I say screw that. What else is family for?] (17:27)

Come on, man. I know Sam, okay? Better than anyone. He's got more of a conscience than I do. I mean, the guy feels guilty surfing the internet for porn. [Gordon: Maybe you're right, but one day, he's gonna be a monster.] How? Huh? How's a guy like Sam become a monster? [Beats me, but he will.] No, you don't know that! [I'm surprised at you, Dean. Getting all emotional. I'd heard you were more of a professional than this.] (29:15)

[Gordon: Look, I'm sympathetic. He's your brother, you love the guy. This has got to hurt like hell for you. But here's the thing. It would've wrecked him, but your dad, if it really came right down to it, he would have had the stones to do the right thing here. So you're telling me, you're not the man he is?] (30:24)

Screw the job. Screw it, man. I'm sick of the job anyway. I mean, we don't get paid, we don't get thanked. The only thing we get's bad luck. [Well, come on, dude, you're a hunter. I mean, it's what you're meant to do.] Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything. I don't believe in that destiny crap. (39:00)

[Sam: You can't run from this, and you can't protect me.] I can try. (39:27)

Sam—

[Dean: He said that I might have to kill you, Sammy.] Kill me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? [I don't know.] I mean, he must've had some kind of reason for saying it, right? I mean, did he know the demon's plans for me? Am I supposed to go dark side or something? What else did he say, Dean? [That's it, I swear.] How could you not have told me this? [Because it was Dad and he begged me not to.] Who cares? Take some responsibility for yourself Dean! You had no right to keep this from me! (04:46)

[Ellen: I wish I could blame the hell out of you boys. It'd be easier. Truth is, it's not your fault. Sam, none of it is.] (10:27)

[Gordon: You wouldn't shoot me, would you, Sammy? 'Cause your brother, he thinks you're some kind of saint.] Yeah, well, I wouldn't be so sure. (33:46)

[Gordon: You're no better than the filthy things you hunt.] *They tussle, Sam points a gun at him.* [Do it. Do it! Show your brother the killer you really are, Sammy.] It's Sam. (34:22)

I'm not gonna just ditch the job. (39:00)

[Dean: Oh, I wasn't meant to do anything. I don't believe in that destiny crap.] You mean you don't believe in my destiny. [Whatever.] Look, Dean, I've tried running before. I mean, I ran all the way to California and look what happened. You can't run from this, and you can't protect me. [I can try.] Thanks for that. Look, Dean, I'm gonna keep hunting. I mean, whatever's coming, I'm taking it head on, so if you really want to watch my back, then I guess you're gonna have to stick around. (39:13)

11. PLAYTHINGS

Dean—

[Sam: We gotta save as many people as we can.] Wow. That attitude is just way too healthy for me. I'm officially uncomfortable now, thank you. (05:16)

[Sam: I need you to watch out for me.] Yeah, I always do. [No no no no, you have to watch out for me, all right? And if I ever turn into something that I'm not...you have to kill me.] Sam.... [Dean, Dad told you to do it. You have to.] Yeah, well, Dad's an ass. He never should've said anything. I mean, you don't do that, you don't—you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids. [No, he was right to say it. Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies.] Yeah, well, I'm not dying. Okay? And neither are you. Come on, sit down. [No. Please. Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise.] Don't ask that of me. (16:18)

[Sherwin: Well, would you be [happy], leaving the only home you ever knew?] I don't know. I never really knew one. (19:06)

Sam—

I told Ellen we'd think about checking it out. [Dean: You did?] Yeah. You seem surprised. [Yeah, it's just, you know. Not the patented Sam Winchester way, is it?] What way is that? [Just figured after Ava, there'd be, uh, you know, more angst and droopy music and staring out the rainy windows. I'll shut up now.] (04:27)

So I'm not giving up on her, but I'm not gonna let other people die, either. We gotta save as many people as we can. (05:09)

That guy who hung himself...I couldn't save him. [Dean: What are you talking about? You didn't know. You couldn't have done anything.] That's an excuse, Dean. I should have found a way to save him. I should have saved Ava, too. [Yeah, well, you can't save everyone. Even you said that.] No, Dean, you don't understand, alright? The more people I save, the more I can change. [Change what?] My destiny, Dean. (15:46)

I need you to watch out for me. [Dean: Yeah, I always do.] No no no no, you have to watch out for me, alright? And if I ever turn into something that I'm not...you have to kill me. [Dean: Sam....] Dean, Dad told you to do it. You have to. [Yeah, well, Dad's an ass. He never should've said anything. I mean, you don't do that, you don't—you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids.] No, he was right to say it. Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies. [Yeah, well, I'm not dying. Okay? And neither are you. Come on, sit down.] No. Please. Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise. [Don't ask that of me.] Dean, please. You have to promise me. [I promise.] Thanks. Thank you. (16:18)

12. NIGHTSHIFTER

Dean—

Freaking cops. [Sam: They were just doing their job.] No, they’re doing our job, only they don’t know it, so they suck at it. (03:36)

[Henriksen: I know about your dad.] You don't know crap about my dad. [Ex-Marine, raised his kids on the road, cheap motels, backwood cabins. Real paramilitary survivalist type. I just can't get a handle on what type of wacko he was— white supremist, Timmy McVeigh, tomato, tomahto.] You got no right talking about my dad like that. He was a hero. [Yeah, right. Sure sounds like it.] (31:18)

Sam—

[Dean: When you told that poor son of a bitch to—what did you say?—”remand” the tapes that he copied? “Classified evidence of an ongoing investigation”? That’s messed up.] What, are you pissed at me? [No, I just think it’s a little creepy how good of a Fed you are.] (08:51)

Better to stay in the dark and stay alive. (08:51)

13. HOUSES OF THE HOLY

Dean—

Odd, yes. Supernatural, maybe. But angels? I don't think so. [Sam: Why not?] 'Cause there's no such thing, Sam. [Dean, there's ten times as much lore about angels as there is about anything else we've ever hunted.] Hey, you know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns, too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams and they shoot rainbows outta their ass. [Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns?] That's cute. I'm just saying, man, there's some legends that you just file under “bullcrap.” [And you got angels on the ”bullcrap” list.] Yep. [Why?] 'Cause I've never seen one. [So what?] So I believe in what I can see. [Dean, you and I have seen things most people couldn't even dream about.] Exactly. With our own eyes—that's hard proof, okay? But in all this time, I have never seen anything that looks like an angel. And don't you think that if they existed that we would've crossed paths with them, or at least know someone that crossed paths with them? (06:17)

You know what? I get it. You've got faith. That's—hey, good for you. I'm sure it makes things easier. I'll tell you who else had faith like that. Mom. She used to tell me when she tucked me in that angels were watching over us. In fact, that was the last thing she ever said to me. [You never told me that.] What's to tell? She was wrong. There was nothing protecting her. There's no higher power. There's no God. I mean, there's just chaos and violence and random, unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere and rips you to shreds. You want me to believe in this stuff? I'm gonna need to see some hard proof. You got any? (23:09)

Sam—

[Dean: What's next? Are you gonna start praying everyday?] I do. [What?] I do pray every day. I have for a long time. (19:50)

I wanted to believe. So badly. It's so damn hard to do this, what we do, all alone, you know? There's so much evil out in the world, Dean, I feel like I could drown in it. And when I think about my destiny, when I think about how I could end up.... [Dean: Yeah, well, don't worry about that, alright? I'm watching out for you.] Yeah, I know you are. But you're just one person, Dean. And I needed to think that there was something else watching, too, you know? Some higher power, some greater good. And maybe.... [Maybe what?] Maybe I could be saved. But, you know, that just clouded my judgement. And you're right. I mean, we got to go with what we know, with what we can see, with what's right there in front of our own two eyes. (37:54)

14. BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN

Dean—

[Meg!Sam: Then how the hell did I get here, Dean? What happened to me?] I don't know, all right? But you're...you're okay, and that's what matters. Everything else we can deal with. (02:51)

Sam, go wait in the car. [Meg!Sam: But, Dean—] Go wait in the car! (06:40)

What's going on with you, Sam, hm? 'Cause smoking, throwing bottles at people, I mean that sounds more like me than you. (07:51)

You know, I've tried so hard to keep you safe. [Meg!Sam: I know.] I can't. I'd rather die. [No. You'll live.] (15:53)

[Meg!Sam: What the hell's wrong with you, Dean? Are you that scared of being alone that you'd rather let Jo die?] (25:53)

This is my fight. I'm not getting your blood on my hands. That's just how it's gonna be. (31:28)

[Meg!Sam: Dean. Back from the dead. Getting to be a regular thing for you, isn't it? Like a cockroach. (34:13)

[Meg!Sam: All that I had to hold onto was that I would climb out one day and that I was gonna torture you, nice and slow, like pulling the wings off an insect. But whatever I do to you, it's nothing compared to what you do to yourself, is it? I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're worthless. You couldn't save your dad, and deep down, you know that you can't save your brother. They'd have been better off without you.] (37:21)

[Sam: No matter what I did, you wouldn't shoot.] It was the right move, Sam, it wasn't you. [Yeah, this time. What about next time?] Sam, when Dad told me that I might have to kill you, it was only if I couldn't save you. Now, if it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna save you. (41:01)

Sam—

For the last few weeks, I've been having...I've been having these feelings. [Dean: What feelings?] Rage. Hate. And I can't stop it. It just gets worse. Day by day, it gets worse. [You never told me this.] I didn't want to scare you. (13:52)

[Dean: No one can control you but you.] Sure doesn't seem like that, Dean. It feels like no matter what I do, slowly but surely, I'm—I'm just becoming— [What?] Who I'm meant to be. I mean, you said it once yourself, Dean, I got to face up to who I am. (14:29)

I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to hurt you. [Dean: You won't. Whatever this is, you can fight it.] No. I can't. Not forever. (15:16)

My head feels like it's on fire, alright? (25:21)

Misc: 

Meg: Hell is like, uh...well, it's like hell. Even for demons. It's a prison made of bone and flesh and blood and fear. (36:42)

15. TALL TALES

Dean—

[Bobby: Come on, now, you're bickering like an old married couple.] No, see, married couples can get divorced. Me and him? We're like, uh, Siamese twins. [Sam: It's conjoined twins.] See what I mean? [Look, it...we've just been on the road for too long, tight quarters, all that.] (11:19) 

[Sam: Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you.] What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around. [Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge?] What's wrong with my food? [It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism!] I like it. [And you know what? All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff!] You done? [You know, how would you feel if I screwed with the Impala?] It'd be the last thing you ever did. (21:15)

Sam—

Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you. [What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around.] Yeah? Your dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge? [What's wrong with my food?] It's not food anymore, Dean! It's Darwinism! [I like it.] And you know what? All I ask from you, the one thing, is that you don't mess with my stuff! (21:15)

16. ROADKILL

Dean—

You know, just once I'd like to round the corner and see a nice house. (16:14)

Me? I don't like [spirits]. And I sure as hell ain't making apologies for 'em. (20:08)

[Molly: Oh, thank God.] Call me Dean. (28:46)

Sam—

Spirits like Greeley are, uh...like wounded animals. Lost, in so much pain, that they lash out. [Molly: Why? Why are they here?] Well, there's some part of them that...that's keeping them here, like their remains, or um...unfinished business. [Unfinished business....] Yeah, uh, could be revenge. Could be love. Or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped, caught in the same loops. Replaying the same tragedies over and over. [You sound almost sorry for them.] Well, they weren't evil people, you know? A lot of them were good, just...something happened to them. Something they couldn't control. (18:52)

[Dean: You think she's really going to a better place?] I hope so. [I guess we'll never know. Not until we take the plunge ourselves, huh?] Doesn't really matter, Dean. Hope's kind of the whole point. (38:23)

17. HEART

Dean—

[Sam: Dean, could you be a bigger geek about this?] I'm sorry, man, but what about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are badass. We haven't seen one since we were kids. (04:39)

[Sam: You go. I'll stay.] Forget that. You go after the creepy ex. I'm gonna hang here with the hot chick. [Dude, why do you always get to hang out with the girls?] 'Cause I'm older. [No, screw that. We settle this the old-fashioned way.] *Dean throws scissors while Sam throws rock.* [Dean, always with the scissors!] Shut up, shut up. Two out of three. *Dean throws scissors while Sam throws rock.* God! [Bundle up out there, all right?] (11:11]

Sammy, I got this one. I'll do it. [Sam: She asked me to.] You don't have to. (38:56)

Sam—

I'm not putting a bullet through some girl's chest who has no idea what's happening. [Dean: Sam, she's a monster and you're feeling sorry for her?] Maybe I understand her. (21:26)

18. HOLLYWOOD BABYLON

Dean—

[Sam: You know, I thought you hated being a PA.] I don’t know, it’s not so bad. I kind of feel like part of the team, you know? It’s good. (19:22)

Hey, we got to go check out Johnny Ramone’s grave when we’re gone here. [Sam: You want to go dig him up, too?] Bite your tongue, heathen! (23:25)

[Marty: He wrote a wackjob screenplay. There’s no pace, there’s no love interest. It’s all wackadoo exposition. I had to cut, like, 90 percent of it to make it readable, another 10 percent to make it good.] ...Should have kept Walter’s original script. It’s actually pretty good. (31:15)

Sam—

[Dean: I just figured that, you know, after everything that happened with Madison, you could use a little R&R, that’s all.] Maybe I want to work, Dean. Maybe it keeps my mind off things. (05:38)

19. FOLSOM PRISON BLUES

Dean—

Innocent people are dead—four, so far. [Sam: Yeah, innocent.] What, are you from Texas all of a sudden? Just 'cause these people are in jail doesn't mean they deserve to die. And if we don't stop this thing, people are gonna continue to die. We do the job wherever it takes us. (11:30)

[Sam: You're doing this for Deacon?] Damn right. [We barely even know the guy.] We know he was in the Corps with Dad. We know he saved Dad's life. We know we owe him. [Yeah, all right, but don't you think he's asking a little much?] Doesn't matter. We may not be saints, but we're loyal and we pay our debts. Now, that means something to me, and it ought to to you. (11:47)

[Sam: Dean, does it bother you at all how easily you seem to fit in here?] No, not really. (28:07)

Sam—

I hate this plan, Dean. [Dean: yeah, I got that the first ten times I heard it.] (05:12)

This is, without a doubt, the dumbest, craziest thing we’ve ever done, and that’s in a long, storied career of dumb and crazy. (10:58)

20. WHAT IS AND WHAT SHOULD NEVER BE

Dean—

When I was a kid, what did you always tell me when you put me to bed? [Mary: Dean, I don't understand—] Just answer the question. [I told you angels were watching over you.] (07:05)

Who'd have thought, Baby? We're civilians. (11:42)

That lawn looks like it could use some mowing. [Mary: You want to mow the lawn?] You kidding me? I'd love to mow the lawn. [Knock yourself out. You'd think you've never mowed a lawn in your life.] (13:08)

[Sam: I mean this whole warm, fuzzy, ecstasy-trip thing.] I'm just happy for you, Sammy. [Yeah, right. That's another thing. Since when do you call me “Sammy?” Dean, come on. We don't talk outside of holidays.] We don't? Well, we should. I mean, you're my brother. [”You're my brother?”] Yeah! [You know, that's what you said when you snaked my ATM card, or when you bailed on my graduation, or when you hooked up with Rachel Nave.] Who? [My prom date, on prom night.] Yeah, that does kinda sound like me. Well, hey, man, I'm sorry about all that. [No, look, it's all right, man, I just...you know, I'm not asking you to change, I just.... I don't know, I guess we just don't really have anything in common. You know?] Wait, whoa whoa whoa, yes we do. Yes we do. [What?] Hunting. [Hunting? I've never been hunting in my life, Dean.] Yeah, well, then we should go sometime. I think you'd be great at it. (17:51)

I can fix things with Sam. I can make it up to him. To everyone. [Carmen: Okay. What's gotten into you lately?] This isn't gonna make a lick of sense to you...but I kind of feel like I've been given a second chance. And I don't want to waste it. (19:58)

And there's this woman that's haunting me, I don't know why. I don't know what the connection is—not yet, anyway. It's like my old life is coming after me or something, you know, like it doesn't want me to be happy. Of course, I know what you'd say. Well, not the you that played softball, but you'd say, "Go hunt the djinn. It put you here, it can put you back. Your happiness or all those people's lives, no contest." Right? But why? Why is it my job to save these people? Why do I have to be some kind of hero? What about us, huh? What, Mom's not supposed to live her life? Sammy's not supposed to get married? Why do we have to sacrifice everything, Dad? (23:14)

I'm sorry that we don't get along. And I wish to hell I could stay and fix it. But I gotta do this. People's lives depend on it. (26:07)

[Djinn!Sam: Why'd you have to keep digging? Why couldn't you have left well-enough alone? You were happy.] [Djinn!Mary: Put the knife down, honey.] You're not real. None of it is. [It doesn't matter. It's still better than anything you had.] What? [It's everything you want. We're a family again. Let's go home.] I'll die. The djinn will drain the life out of me in a couple days. [But in here, with us, it'll feel like years, like a lifetime. I promise. No more pain, no more fear. Just love and comfort and safety. Dean, stay with us. Get some rest.] [Djinn!Jessica: You don't have to worry about Sam anymore. You get to watch him live a full life.] [Djinn!Carmen: We can have a future together, have our own family. I love you, Dean. Please.] [Djinn!Sam: Why is it our job to save everyone? Haven't we done enough? I'm begging you. Give me the knife.] I'm sorry. (34:47)

I gotta tell you, though, man, you know, you had Jess. Mom was gonna have grandkids. [Sam: Yeah, but Dean, it wasn't real.] I know. But I wanted to stay. I wanted to stay so bad. I mean, ever since Dad....all I can—all I can think about it how much this job has cost us. We've lost so much. And we've sacrificed so much. (40:43)

Sam—

[Dean: Get out of the car.] I'm going with you. [You're just gonna slow me down.] Tough. [This is dangerous and you could get hurt.] Yeah, and so could you, Dean. [Sam—] Look, whatever stupid thing you're about to do, you're not doing it alone, and that's that. [I don't understand, why are you doing this?] Because you're still my brother. [Bitch.] What are you calling me a bitch for? [You're supposed to say jerk.] What? [Nevermind.] (27:07)

Well, I'm glad we do [get along]. And I'm glad you dug yourself out, Dean. Most people wouldn't have had the strength. They would've just stayed. (40:25)

[Dean: We've lost so much. And we've sacrificed so much.] But people are alive because of you, Dean. It's worth it, it is. It's not fair, and, you know, it hurts like hell, but it's worth it. (41:24)

21. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, PART I

Dean—

I'm gonna take care of you. I'm gonna take care of you. I got you. That's my job, right? Watch out for my pain-in-the-ass little brother. (39:32)

Sam—

[Jake: By the way, I, uh, appreciate what you're doing here.] What am I doing? [Keeping calm, keeping them calm. Especially considering how freaked to hell you really are. I've been in some deep crap before myself. I know the look.] Want to know the truth? I got this brother, right? And he's always telling me how he's gonna watch out for me, how everything's gonna be okay, you know, kinda like I've been telling them. [Yeah.] I don't know if I believe it this time. (22:56)

22. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, PART II

Dean—

[Bobby: Don't you think maybe it's time...we bury Sam?] No. [We could maybe....] What? Torch his corpse? Not yet. [I want you to come with me.] I'm not going anywhere. [Dean, please.] Would you cut me some slack? [I just don't think you should be alone, that's all. I gotta admit, I could use your help. Something big is going down—end-of-the-world big!] Well, then let it end! [You don't mean that.] You don't think so? Huh? You don't think I've given enough? You don't think I've paid enough? I'm done with it. All of it. (02:16)

You know, when we were little, when you couldn't have been more than five, you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom, why do we always have to move around, where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you, "Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know." I just wanted you to be a kid, just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you, keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I have one job—I had one job. And I screwed it up. I blew it. And for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down. And now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too? How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy. What am I supposed to do? (06:27)

That's the same deal you give everybody else. [Demon: You're not everybody else. Why would I want to give you anything? Keep your gutter soul. It's too tarnished, anyway.] (11:08)

You almost died in there. I mean, what would I have.... You just take care of yourself for a little bit, huh? Just for a little bit. (16:37)

Which is why we gotta find this yellow-eyed son of a bitch. That's why I'm gonna kill him myself. I mean, I got nothing to lose now, right? (19:00)

[Bobby: What is it with you Winchesters, huh? You, your dad—you're both just itching to throw yourselves down the pit.] (19:18)

Dad brought me back, Bobby, I'm not even supposed to be here. At least this way, something good could come out of it, you know? It's like my life can mean something. [Bobby: What? And it didn't before? Have you got that low an opinion of yourself? Are you that screwed in the head?] I couldn't let him die, Bobby. I couldn't. He's my brother. [How is your brother gonna feel when he knows you're going to Hell? How'd you feel when you knew your dad went for you?] You can't tell him. You take a shot at me, whatever you gotta do, but please don't tell him. (19:27)

[Azazel: You saw what your brother just did to Jake, right? That was pretty cold, wasn't it? How certain are you that what you brought back is 100% pure Sam? You of all people should know that's what dead should stay dead. Anyway, thanks a bunch. I knew I kept you alive for some reason. Until now, anyway. I couldn't have done it without your pathetic, self-loathing, self-destructive desire to sacrifice yourself for your family.] (32:23)

[Sam: You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that?] Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job. (38:45)

Sam—

I kind of can't believe it, Dean. I mean... our whole lives, everything... has been prepping for this, and now I...I kind of don't know what to say. (36:35)

[Dean: I had to look out for you. That's my job.] And what do you think my job is? [What?] You saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change. (38:57)

[starbuckie]

Malia’s 400 Follower Writing Challenge!

Hey there, my gorgeous, lovely followers! First of all, thank you so, so much for 400 followers!! This is incredible that there are 400, let me repeat, four-fucking-hundred people following me on this hellsite, that enjoy my friendship and/or writing. It’s nearly been a year on tumblr, and every piece of writing I’ve published, the friends I’ve made have just been absolutely monumental in my life. 4 is one of my lucky numbers, and so as a tribute to that times 100, I figured that now would be a great time to have a writing challenge. As I work on a few fics of my own, I’d also love to see what y’all come up with as well, so let’s go :)

CHALLENGE MASTERLIST

rules (ugh i don’t like that word let’s go with guidelines):

- you don’t actually gotta be following me, but that’d be pretty cool

- if you could be so kind, even if you don’t participate, please please reblog, as that would be very much appreciated

- to participate just send me an ask with the prompt or prompts you’ll be using, and the character you’ll be writing for. you can definitely choose two prompts from separate categories, but remember that prompts will become unavailable after two requests

- i’m pretty versatile with fandoms, so i’m gonna say marvel, harry potter, supernatural, star wars, criminal minds, bridgerton, and any sebastian stan characters, but if you’d like to write for a character not in any of those fandoms just tell me in the ask (so basically any fandom, i don’t know how to speak)

- please be x reader! doesn’t have to be fem!reader at all, but please make it y/n

- the fics can be any length, a drabble, headcanon, oneshot, twoshot, series, just make sure to tag me in any multipart fics because i’d love reading all your amazing fics

- while any fics are welcome (angst, fluff, smut, darkfic), i draw the line at incest and pedophilia, and make sure to TAG AND WARN YOUR FICS PROPERLY. if you are under eighteen and i see you have requested to write a smut fic, i will say a big fat NO because you should not even be reading that.

- to make sure i see it, make sure to use the tag #mals400followerwritingchallenge and tag me in it

- if i don’t reblog your fic within two days just shoot me an ask or message because i may just be dead or my tumblr is being stupid, and i will get my ass in gear

- all the fics will be put on a masterlist i’ll have on my masterlist as they are submitted, and it will be reblogged every time a new fic is added

- i know a lot of us may be in school right now or have jobs and families and shit just happens and sucks sometimes so i’m gonna make the deadline june 30, and you can sign up or submit any fics until then :)

NOW FOR THE PROMPTS:)) btw, all the line prompts are from @a-cure-for-writers-block​

angst line prompts:

“This will be the last time you lie to me.”

“You know it’s not like that.”

“How could you think this wouldn’t hurt me?”

“You’re never going to be the same after this.”

“I just think it’d be best if we never met.”

“I can’t believe you would even think to leave me like this.”

“You never loved me, did you?”

“It didn’t have to be like this, but now you’ve ruined everything.”

“What did you want once this was all through? Tell me!”

“You could’ve- could’ve stayed. You could’ve helped me fix things.”

“This isn’t going to be fixed. You’ve ruined this for good now.”

“I hope I’m not put in the same part of hell as you.”

“When did you think you could hurt me again? Today? Tomorrow?”

“You’re back in my life and I want to die again.”

“You only ever brought me pain and I’m sick of it.”

“You put yourself in that position! That wasn’t my doing!”

“When was it that you realised that you didn’t love me?”

“I really think it’s easier for people when I’m not around.”

“I know, but you didn’t have to use them like that!”

“I’m not someone who breaks easily, but I must commend you on this.”

random line prompts:

“You look like you’re going to punch me.” “I was actually going to kiss you, but if you’re into that sort of thing then I’m out.”

“I mean, if we hadn’t met at a strip club.”

“Can we get coffee?” “Is this a date or is it because you’ll end up strangling someone if you don’t get caffeine in your system.” “I shouldn’t have asked.” (@spaceodditybarnes with Bucky Barnes or Chris Beck)

“… and then he came up up to me and kissed me until I was-” “I’m going to have to tell you to shut up now.”

“We should do this again sometime!” “I would honestly rather do anything other than that again.” (@extremelyblackandwhite)

“I hope you don’t think that we all act like this.” “There’s more than just you? Jesus.”

“I’m just tired.” “That’s understandable. Go and sleep, I’ll sort everything out.”

“You drank it?!” “Yes, it was quite delicious, did you know?”

“Can you just act normal for this evening. It’s all I’ll ask of you.” “You’re asking for a lot then.”

“I haven’t got laid in like forever.” “Oh sorry, did I look like I was offering? Because I’m most certainly not.” (@adorkably​)

smutty line prompts:

“Do I look like I’m messing around? Do I look like I won’t punish you?”

“Fucking is a reward, but you haven’t been good.”

“Move an inch and you won’t be coming tonight.”

“You look just about good enough to eat.”

“Take your clothes off. Right now.”

“We’re really going to fuck here? What if someone sees us?” (@bvckysmoon​ with Bucky barnes)

“Hands behind your back.”

“Open your mouth for me, baby.”

“Is it good when I touch you here? Or maybe here?”

“You’re so in for it when we get home.”

“You can take it, you’ve done it before.”

“Just a little more.”

“I won’t apologise for marking you up, everyone should know you’re taken.”

“Suck on my fingers.”

“You look so good with my hands around your neck.”

“Keep your eyes open, look at me, baby.”

“Look how good you take it.”

“My baby, you did so well.”

“God, you feel amazing.”

“Swallow. All of it.”

tropes:

enemies to lovers

friends to lovers

mutual pining

arranged marriage

sex pollen (@jimmypagesandbrianmayshair)

sharing a bed

slow burn

arranged marriage

unrequited love

childhood sweethearts

fake relationship

roleswap

established relationship

AUs:

Highschool AU

Soulmate AU

College AU (@spaceodditybarnes with Bucky Barnes or Chris Beck)

Coffee Shop AU (@jimmypagesandbrianmayshair)

Detective AU

Historical AU

Bodyguard AU (@i-am-a-closet-fanfic-fiend​ with Steve Rogers)

CEO AU

Bakery AU

Royal AU

Mob AU

Mythology AU

Modern AU

Hospital AU (@captainscanadian with Bucky Barnes)

Bakery AU

Demon AU

(Guardian!)Angel AU

Criminal AU

songs:

Burn - Hamilton

Dancing With Your Ghost - Sasha Sloan

Tears Dry On Their Own - Amy Winehouse

Silly Girl - Chloe Moriondo

Me and My Husband - Mitski

Something - The Beatles

Uptown Girl - Billy Joel (@blueberrythor with Bucky Barnes)

I Can’t Help Myself - Four Tops

She - dodie

Let’s Fall in Love for the Night - FINNEAS (@subtlebucky with Valkyrie)

Everybody Loves Somebody - Dean Martin

A Sunday Kind Of Love - Etta James

[purplesurveys]

1412

How many people close to you have passed away?  I want to say around 7. 4 of them in just the last year too, due to both COVID and otherwise. Have you ever had to visit anyone in the hospital?  I get to say yes to this question now. My mom had surgery to treat her myoma a couple of weeks ago and I came over a day after to see her and my dad. Of course, I ended up being a completely useless source of moral support because I just felt faint seeing all the needles and tubes the entire time lolol.

What is the longest time you’ve spent crying?  Nearly an entire night, every night for several months. I’d usually only fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion but I probably would’ve cried those whole nights away if I could.

Slight trigger warning after this.

Have you ever had to deal with suicide in any way, shape, or form?  Well yes, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thought about it and how early I started to. I’ve lost a friend to it a few years ago too.

Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life for your own good?  I have.

Have you ever had to call 911? If you’d like to share the story, feel free. I’m not sure if they’ve already discontinued the 911 hotline here, but in any case I’ve fortunately never had a reason to call.

Do you believe that when you die, you get to see all your loved ones again? I don’t believe in an afterlife. But that is a soothing possibility to think about if there is one.

Who would you be the most excited to see?  My great-grandfather.

Have you ever been to a ghost town?  Nope.

Have you ever been inside of a vacant house?  Nah. I had the chance to when I went to Laurice’s place and learned that the house directly across theirs is abandoned, but I ditched at the last minute because I was tired (we spent the last few hours sgett and just wanted a seat. The boys ended up checking it out.

As a small child, did you ever feel as if you were different or weird?  Yeah, very much so. I was teased for my name and really short hair from the get go so I struggled to reach out and make friends for years. Then as soon as I finally got over my name I started getting into wrestling, so that didn’t really help with the whole desire to fit in hahaha.

Did you ever cut your own hair when you were little?  No. My mom easily got irate over stuff like that so I didn’t dare change my appearance.

What’s something that you think tastes good burned?  I mean obviously anything extremely burnt is terrible, but I do generally prefer it more of food is on the kinda burnt/overcooked side, like fries.

Favourite song by your favourite artist/band?  I instantly took a liking to Butterfly by BTS when I first heard it, and it’s still my favorite song of theirs.

What’s something others find offensive but you don’t?  Idk, maybe not liking certain celebrities that are seen as Internet darlings. Like how a lot of people on social media have such violent reactions when they find out you don’t like Taylor Swift. I don’t, so I just don’t talk about it online. What’s something you used to be obsessed with but not anymore?  Wrestling. It’ll always be in my life and a number of my life dreams still revolve around it, but I’m not invested enough to watch every week or keep up with storylines. Hasn’t been that way in the last six or so years.

What's your favorite thing for a person to do while you're kissing them?  Feeling them smile into the kiss.

What is your favorite flavor of Hot Pockets?  I’ve never had those, we don’t have them here.

When was the last time you had orange juice?  No clue. It’s been years, at least.

Do you like apple juice?  I’d drink it if it were served for free, but that’s about it. I never go around looking or craving apple juice.

Do you have any bright colored shorts?  Sure, but they’re all for home/comfort wear. I don’t have any bright-colored shorts that are meant to be worn in public.

What is something you remember enjoying very much as a small child?  Going to this water park every wekeend whenever my dad was home.

How old were you, when you made your very first friend?  I was 4 and it was when I entered kindergarten.

Are you still friends with this person today?  No. I lost contact with her as soon as she transferred schools.

What is something you get an immense feeling of nostalgia from?  This nearby mall that we’d be at every weekend. They’ve barely changed the interior and the layout in the last 20 or so years so it feels like a really old mall; but aside from that it also just brings back a huge wave of nostalgia. Like I can still easily locate my favorite stores and restaurants just because they were already there two decades ago.

As a child, were you a sore loser or a sore winner?  Sore loser. I was a pain in the ass to play with so I never really joined games.

Did you play with siblings, neighbourhood kids or by yourself?  I played with my siblings, my cousins, and the neighborhood kids.

Have you ever, or would you like to attend a gaming or comic convention? Not for those two interests, but I’d love to attend a wrestling con.

Do you enjoy drawing? If so, what do you usually draw?  No.

Who is the most important person in your life (besides yourself)?  My parents.

What is your favourite song, and why?  I don’t have a single favorite song.

What colour are your favourite shoes?  White, with blue and red stripes.

What is a smell that disgusts you to no end?  Spoiled rice.

What is something about another country’s culture you don’t understand?  It’s not that I don’t understand it or that I find it strange, but it’s really fascinating to hear how people move out and stop getting support from their parents once they’re like 18 or whatever. It’s a good way to teach independence, but personally I don’t think I’d be able to handle it haha.

Do you ever attend the theater? If so, which play did you see last?  No.

How about the opera or the ballet?  I haven’t seen an opera but I’ve watched a few ballet recitals before.

Do you volunteer your time to anything charitable? If so, what?  I barely have the time to volunteer, so I try to make up for it through donations.

Do you donate money to any charities? If so, which ones?  Yes. Not usually charities, though; I donate to animal NGOs and emergency situations that involve dogs, like if someone needs financial help for their pet’s surgery.

Do you donate your old clothes, linen etc. to charitable organizations?  I hand them down to other relatives.

Have you ever had to rely on other people’s charity?  We’ve never been in this situation before. We did hit a rough patch during the pandemic and I experienced my aunt getting us food occasionally, but I think it was just to treat us to experience luxuries every now and then since we had to keep the family expenses down to the very basics at some point. But it had never gotten really bad to the point that we had to be completely reliant on a relative or family friend.

Have you ever donated to a cause that had a person going door to door? I wouldn’t say it had been ‘donating to a cause’ per se, but during the pandemic there was this really nice young man who used to go from door to door selling baked goods. I spent the last of my college allowance supporting him just cos I felt bad, but when my money ran out I had to stop buying :(

In general, what is your opinion on charity?  It’s a nice show of humanity.

What is your go-to form of entertainment?  Good Mythical Morning, Korean variety shows, and anything to do with BTS.

Is there a book series you’re currently collecting?  Nope.

Is there something you wish you could do online that isn’t possible yet? Identifying music through humming or instrumental covers. So far Siri can only recognize songs if it hears the actual song, so it’s torture when I can only remember the melody to a song hahaha.

What was a website you used to frequent that doesn’t exist anymore? Multiply, Southeast Asia’s version of Myspace alongside Friendster lol. What kinds of jokes do you like the best?  Rhett and Link have their own unique humor that I’m never gonna be able to explain or describe, but I love their dynamic. It’s a combination of slapstick, Southern upbringing, and inside jokes that just works.

What’s the silliest thing you’ve worn on your body in public?  A kimono, a masquerade mask, and a hula hoop. At the same time.

What’s the most important thing in your life right now?  Figuring out what the fuck is best for me career- and mental health-wise and deciding if I should resign soon or power through at my job.

Who was the last person to give you a high-five?  My cousin.

Are you currently taking any prescription medications?  Nope.

Do you like skim milk?  I’ve never tried it.

Are you missing anyone right now?  Sure.

Biggest mistake to date?  Staying too long in a relationship that was going to fail anyway. Being happy in the now and “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there” are shitty, naive takes.

Have you ever lived in Tennessee?  No.

Does anyone in your family smoke?  I have a couple of uncles who do.

Have you kissed anyone in the last week?  No.

Do you enjoy classic rock?  Not really.

Are you anemic?  Nope.

Do you usually go watch fireworks on the 4th of July?  I don’t celebrate that.

Do you remember when the game Oregon Trail was really popular?  No, I think I was too young for that game.

What did you do last Valentine’s Day?  Went to work.

Have you ever had a crush on someone, and found out they liked your friend?  This hasn’t happened before, no.

Have you ever been liked by someone you didn’t expect would like you? Yeah.

How many times have you been pulled over by the cops?  Four. One of those instances the officer was nice enough to note from my license that I wasn’t from the area and let me go; two of those instances I cried my way out; and one of those instances the cop was just completely grumpy and rude and I paid the fine.

What is your mood like right now?  A little agitated because I know I have to work again tonight, but I’m also in a I’m-just-unable-to-give-a-fuck-at-this-point mood so I’m just delaying the work for as long as I can.

Who did you last embarrass yourself in front of?  Not super sure, it’s surprisingly been a while since I’ve felt embarrassed.

What was the reason you last smiled?  Angela told a hilarious joke just a minute ago.

Have you ever felt a baby kick?  Probably when my mom was pregnant with my brother. I found the kicking fascinating.

When is the last time you did something truly fun, and what was it?  Last weekend when I played Cards Against Humanity with my relatives and it got inappropriate really quick hahaha.

What kind of computer are you on?  Macbook Air.

Do you eat Chinese food? If so, what’s your favorite dish?  Yep. Minced pork with eggplant. 

What is the worst thing you’ve ever done when you were really angry?  Say things for the sole purpose of inflicting pain.

Have you ever walked on a pier at the beach?  I don’t think I’ve even been to a pier before.

How about under one?  Nope.

At what age do you first remember feeling butterflies in your stomach around someone?  Like 12 or so.

Do you feel that way around anyone now?  No.

What is your main heritage?  Filipino.

If you could have a sea creature as a pet, what would you want?  I wouldn’t.

How about a farm animal?  Maybe a pig.

What is a song that you hate to admit you like?  I’m not ashamed of the songs I listen to.

What part of your body have you had the most problems with in your life? Hair.

Can you imitate any accents well? If so, which one(s)?  Not really.

Do you like having your ear nibbled on?  I mean in a sexual sense yeah but outside of that, that’s just gross and completely random LOL

Has anyone ever given you a rose/roses?  Yes.

Are you watching your weight?  No.

What is the coolest tattoo you’ve ever seen?  I haven’t seen any that have stood out to me.

Have you ever created anything artistic that you’re proud of? If so, what? Not really; there’s not a single artistic bone in me.

What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable?  Possible career prospects for when I’m older.

What is a subject you can talk on and on about and not get sick of it?  BTS.

How do you feel now about the first person you ever dated?  Rage.

[mishasminion360]

Space Age Love Song, Ch. 4

A Mandalorian x O/C Fic

Warnings: Language

Notes: Din and Sara play 20 questions.

You can now keep up with this story on AO3 as well! My username is SwiggitySwagNightmareStag. Happy reading, all!

Ch. 4: Answered

Sara left Din to eat breakfast in privacy. He couldn’t very well stuff his face with the helmet on, and he’d made it clear that he wouldn’t take it off in her presence, so, while he remained in the kitchen, she took her scrambled eggs and bacon into the living room. Alone again, naturally.

After they’d stuffed themselves silly, Sara washed and dried the dishes, and then practically dragged the Mandalorian back into the living room, eager to learn more about the intergalactic anomaly that was Din Djarin. She shoved him (gently, of course) onto the couch before curling up on the other end.

“Okay, here’s how this is going to work. You ask a question, I answer. Then I ask a question and you answer. See? Easy. Care to start us off?”

Din leaned back and folded his armored arms.

“Ladies first.”

“I see that chivalry is a thing on your planet, which I’m assuming is...Mandaloria?”

“Close. It’s called Mandalore. Does that count as your first question?”

“Sure.”

“My turn, then. What planet am I on now?”

“This is Earth, my friend. The only populated planet in the Milky Way Galaxy. As far as we earthlings know, anyway.”

Milky Way Galaxy? That was a solid 2.5 million light-years from his own. He had no idea he’d come so far, and he would be utterly amazed if he discovered that he hadn’t completely burned out his hyperdrive.

“And what galaxy is Mandalore a part of?”

Sara’s second question put an abrupt end to the calculations he was doing in his head. And he was honestly grateful for it.

“The Andromeda Galaxy.”

Sara let out a low whistle and started doing some calculating of her own.

“How the hell did you manage to get all the way here? Aren’t our galaxies, like, a crap ton of light-years apart? How did you get here so fast? How long have you been traveling to get here?”

“That’s more than one question.”

“Shit, sorry.”

“It’s fine. Did you want me to answer all of those now, or...”

“No, no. Rules are rules. You go ahead and ask your next question.”

“Alright. Where’s my ship?”

Sara looked past him to the back door and he attempted to follow her gaze.

“It’s, uh, in my backyard. In a crater. You came in pretty hot there, Din. Your ship’s a little banged up. It was on fire when I first found it, but I managed to put most of it out. There were a lot of flashing lights and alarms going off. I don’t know my way around alien technology, so I can’t tell you with any certainty if it’ll still run. I can say that it appears to be all in one piece. I think. I hope.”

Dank Farrik, Din cursed to himself. One problem after the next. If the Razor Crest Sequent was nothing but a pile of scrap now, this would be the second ship, and the third home, he’d lost.

“How did you end up here, Din?”

Once again she managed to rip him out of his own head. There was something about the way she said his name that had an almost soothing effect on his anxious mind. Something he liked.

“I....that is a long story.”

Sara crossed her arms and leaned back into the couch, getting comfy.

“I’ve got time.”

Din sighed. Where to begin? He didn’t even have all the details fleshed out himself, so how was he supposed to explain the situation to another?

“Mandalore was attacked by...well, I don’t know, to be honest with you. Just some random squadron of thugs. They appeared out of nowhere, demanding the king.”

“The king? Of Mandalore? You and your people have a freaking king?”

“You’re looking at him.”

Sara instantly went rigid. For once she was at a complete loss for words, and completely at a loss for what to do with herself. She’d never been in the presence of eminence and everything she knew about royalty she’d learned from Netflix and Disney films.

“You’re a....should-should I bow?”

“Please, don’t.”

Sara nodded for him to continue. Her face was expectant, excited. She was hanging on his every word as if his story were the edge of a cliff. She clung to his tale for dear life.

“Right, so, they came looking for me and I still don’t have any idea why. Needless to say that my people weren’t just going to surrender me to some unannounced, unknown individuals, so they chose to protect me in case this squadron turned out to be a threat.”

“Which they did, I’m guessing?”

“They were armed, but they were few and inexperienced. They couldn’t take my planet by force alone, but they could still cause some significant damage while trying. I didn’t want to see any of my people hurt because of me. Our clan had already been divided for far too long, our home nearly lost, I just wanted to choose a course of action that would keep the peace.”

Sara cocked her head to the side.

“You ran, didn’t you?”

“Yes. I thought if I could lure them away I could figure out their intentions. Or, at the very least, fly long enough to ditch them in hyperspace and return home.”

“And you never found out what they wanted?”

Din shook his head. This is the part of the story that still remained a mystery to him.

“No. The second they caught up to me they opened fire. I was able to make a few light speed jumps without taking any serious damage. But....well, you know the rest. Here I am.”

“And you don’t know where these creeps are now? Is there any chance that they may have followed you here?”

He had frightened her. He could see it in her eyes. Din had basically just admitted that he may or may not have just led a band of violent ruffians to her home planet.

“If they knew where I’d landed, they’d be here by now. I think I effectively gave them the slip.”

Sara sighed, a little too loudly, in relief. One spaceman was about as much as she could handle at the moment; she didn’t need more showing up on her doorstep. Especially not the dangerous kind. Din, at least, seemed gentle enough.

“They’re still out there searching. I’m sure of it. But I can’t just lay low forever. That’s never been my style. Especially not when I have people to protect. I left Mandalore in good hands for now but, king or not, it’s the only home that I have. I don’t....I wouldn’t know where else to go.”

Without even thinking, Sara leaned across the sofa, closing the little space between them, and grasped both of Din’s gloved hands in her own.

“I promise you, Din Djarin, I will do whatever it takes to get you home safely. Anything within my means.”

For a few silent moments they simply sat hand in hand, and time was irrelevant. It wasn’t until she heard Din swallow audibly that Sara realized that she was probably making him uncomfortable and she reluctantly released her grip.

“May I ask a question?”

“Sure,” Sara croaked. “I’ve asked, like, what, 10 in a row by now? So much for ‘rules are rules’, huh?”

“Why did you help me?” Din asked, his voice the softest she’d heard it yet. “Why do you keep helping me? I have nothing to offer you in return.”

Din seemed to have a lot of trust issues, whether that stemmed from past personal experiences or just the Mandalorian creed, so Sara wanted to supply him with an honest answer. There was the logical honest answer, or the honestly honest answer. In the end she decided that the former would take a shorter amount of time to explain. And it would be far less depressing.

“Well, the easiest answer is that I’m a nurse, Din. And as a nurse I took an oath to help those in need. I intend to fully adhere to the terms of that oath even beyond the sanctity of hospital walls. You needed help, I gave it. Simple as that.”

Din saw it the second the warmth left Sara’s eyes and the hazel orbs grew distant. They shone with something sadly nostalgic, like two unreachable distant stars.

“And, quite frankly, you’re the first person, other than myself, to set foot in my house in a long, long time. I didn’t want my houseguest dying on me.” She disguised her sadness with a chuckle. Just barely.

Din suddenly found himself eager to ask her more questions, practically burning for it. Though they’d only just met, just opened up to each other, he knew that there was something that bonded them. A sensation that he couldn’t quite place, but that he knew all too well. He had to steel himself against this unbidden desire for knowledge; time was of the essence.

“Sara, would you take me to my ship?”

***

“Dank Farrik! Son of a Mudscuffer!!”

“Are those good alien words I’m hearing?”

“No, they’re kriffing not!”

“That one was a bad one, too. Got it.”

She stood just outside the ship’s open doorway, arms crossed and fighting off a childish grin, when she heard his angry, booted feet come thump thump thumping down the ramp. She turned to meet his gaze and, even with his helmet hiding his face from her sight, she could tell that he wasn’t amused in the slightest.

“I like the way you curse, Mando.”

He stared her down for a minute before trudging off. Yep, definitely not amused.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Sara called sprinting after him and snagging him by the arm. How could he move so fast with all that armor weighing him down?

“Can you fix it?”

Din heaved a heavy, frustrated sigh.

“It’ll take time. And parts. Neither of which I have.”

“But you can fix it. See, there’s a silver lining to this situation,” Sara said, punching him playfully in the arm. He didn’t respond, only stared, his helmeted face surveying her blankly.

“Look, you’re welcome to rummage through the old barn for spare parts,” Sara offered, gesturing to the decrepit old structure behind Din. “My gramps was a bit of a tinkerer, so he let a lot of tools and miscellaneous crap pile up in there over the years. My guess is if you need it, it’s in that barn. And whatever I don’t have, the hardware store will.”

Sara flexed her arms, giving him her best Schwarzenegger impression and a one way ticket to the “gun show”.

“I’m not too shabby when it comes to fixing up things myself. I’ve got my grandpa to thank for that, too. We’ll have your ship back in orbit before you can say ‘E.T. phone home’.”

“Why would I say that?”

“It’s...oh, never mind. Anyway, that being said, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need. It’s no trouble.”

Din started to protest, but Sara shushed him with a finger to his helmet, pressing it to where she assumed his lips were hiding underneath.

“I want to get you home, Din. Home to your family. But I also want to make sure that you’re fully healed and well rested before you go. This is ‘nurse Sara’ talking, and she is not to be trifled with.”

Then the Mandalorian did something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something Sara had begun to assume it impossible for him to do.

He laughed.

And it made her heart beat a little faster.

“Fair enough,” Din said. “And...thank you. Again.”

“You’re welcome,” Sara responded. She said it so softly that she wasn’t even certain that she’d actually said it out loud.

“Can I check out that barn now?”

Sara folded her arms and nodded, suddenly feeling like a mother sending her child into a Toys ‘R’ Us unsupervised.

“Knock yourself out. Better sooner than later, while you still have daylight.”

He turned and left her without another word. But he walked away slowly.

And Sara was left to watch him wander, the sound of his laugh still echoing in her ears. It may have been unfair to assume, but she figured she’d never hear such a sound coming from the stoic Din Djarin. Now that she had, it became the only sound she wanted to hear.

@just-another-dumb-artist @mamacitapascal @grimeylady @rav3n-pascal22 @obsessivelysearching @insomniamamma @cixrxb @mandolydian @lv7867 @calliedjarin @mando-pamine

[thevoilinauttheory]

The Great Eight

[ In lieu of the Rising event ending tomorrow - and myself, just now finishing it - I had some words I wanted to get out.

I get this type of nostalgia - it hurts, it physically hurts my chest; I feel sick to my stomach, and I just want to cry. I’ve asked others if they ever feel this way, but I’ve never gotten a yes to it.

The Rising always gives me this feeling. It’s be eight years since I first picked up XIV. Eight whole years. That’s a slap to the face, it’s been so long and it feels so short. I wish I could give people the same experiences and feeling I had for this game - the pain and happiness this nostalgia brings me. When I say this game means so much to me, it’s not an exaggeration. This game changed my life - I wish to share it a little bit with you. I touched on some of it in the past, but here I’m laying it all out. ]

[ I first started playing in 2013, when a friend recommended the game to me shortly after the game’s rerelease. They were ecstatic to have another player join them, and I owe them a lot for the experiences they gave me. My very first character was Raramlah Ramlah - she was a paladin, because that’s what I mained in WoW. I realized shortly that a tank probably wasn’t the best way to go, but also that my computer at the time couldn’t handle playing it, due to the graphics.

I gave it another shot in 2014, that’s when I made Danny Harold. He was the first character I ever got to level 50. I absolutely loved the game, when I wasn’t sitting idly for my friends to come online as I had with Raramlah; when I picked it up of my own accord. I remember I was in the hospital when I first picked it back up, when I first made him and leveled him through Gridania. But I was still going intermittedly between it and WoW. I missed the first Rising due to ignorance.

2015 comes around, and I’m in a stressful place. I just started a new job, and I’m finally able to live on my own with little issues from my disabilites. However, my apartment complex didn’t have internet, and so I’d take my laptop to Starbucks and sit there until they closed playing WoW instead. I wanted to spend what little time I had on the internet with the friends I already had grown close to.  Year 2 went on without me. But it still wasn’t all bad. Near the end of 2015, Maximiloix Voilinaut was created - and when I started up my XIV tumblr account under “ishgardianscholar”. See, I had made it to Heavensward on Danny when I found out that someone I had met through a friend was starting up a new character for the purpose of RP. I thought to myself “I want an Ishgardian character” - and rolled a new one. It was a new adventure, a clean slate, with a couple of friends I knew from WoW to join me.

Here comes 2016... and WoW had let me down. My disabilites came back full force, and I was left bed bound and reliant on partial disability from my workplace while waiting for SSDI to start kicking into effect. My roommates did little to help take care of the house we were renting, lied to me about their incomes, and forced me to use what little money I was getting to pay for everything myself. I’m short a total of 2000$ because of it. But. But. That was the best year of my fucking life. It ruined me, that year ruined my life, but it was the happiest I had ever been. Lothaire Voilinaut was first conceived and Maximiloix became my pride and joy as a character, I found the class I wanted to keep playing - I made friends, so many of them! So, so many of them! And I loved them, and I still do! I miss them terribly. If I could relive one year of my life... it would be that year. What I would give just to feel that way again - because I had never felt it since. I didn’t realize until Year 3′s Rising came around, how nostalgic just the few short times and experiences were to me. Because I was met with two things... the first song that truly captured me in Final Fantasy games (Prelude), and the first song I ever heard in the game itself (A New Hope). I cried there. Music has always hit me so hard, and I never realized just how much this game meant to me until then. This was how I knew I would stay - that XIV had my heart for good.

2017, during the release of Stormblood, I went homeless. I had wanted so badly to see my first expansion release - and only witnessed second hand “Raubahn EX”. My friends moved on without me, and I was left alone again to start playing. But I told myself already. XIV had my heart, there was no reason to go back to WoW. So I didn’t. I didn’t, and I don’t regret it. This is when I truly started playing Lothaire fully - and when I met my spouse, he became my main. I made it to Year 4, and cried just as much.

2018 - with the loss of friends, did I find new ones. It wasn’t the best time of my life, but I wouldn’t trade the memories for a thing. Year 5 came and went faster than I could blink, but that was it. I heard the music, I remembered my first Rising, I remembered all the times I had before. And I cried.

2019 started off rough. I moved across the country and had a hard time finding a place to live. I got it down, started a new job... and made it to the release of Shadowbringers. I had grown so much since I first started - and the expansion release was everything I wanted it to be, regardless of the issues that came with it (though I’ve been told that it was a far smoother release than the others). I was so excited... and I was not let down. XIV upheld its standards and presented to me a game worthy of pushing onto my friends no matter how annoyed they got with me about it (looking at you @rose-color-boy). Everything about it was a pure masterpiece, people think I’m exaggerating. But this game had done so much for me, that finally, now, I got to witness something I always wanted to. Sure, I didn’t have many friends to start the expansion with... but the story captivated me immediately. Year 6... and I cried.

2020. There wasn’t much to say about it, I was stuck inside all year and I hit a bad patch during the end of it, but... Year 7. It hit me like a truck. It gave me goosebumps, it gave me laughs, and ultimately, it gave me tears. I actually sobbed, this time. Remembering everything I gone through hurt me so badly, the nostalgia was coming in hard. But I knew, in the end, this game would always be here for me. This game had wormed its way into my heart accidentally, and yet I feel like I couldn’t live without it.

This year. Perhaps it didn’t hit me as hard - I still cried. This game means so much to me. So, so much. It hurts, it really and physically hurts how much it means to me. This game made everything in my stressful life so much easier, littered the pain with good memories. I can recall bad places I was in, and associate it with something good that happened to me in the game. 2020 - I got knee surgery... but 5.3 had just released and holy shit. My spouse got a little annoyed at me that the only thing I was listening to was the theme of that last battle (To the Edge). It helped me get through it, the pain and the misery I felt from not being able to walk. 2019 - Work was driving my depression in deep, and I didn’t want to live and continue the pain I was feeling... but I got to the end of 5.0 and only wanted more. I wanted to know what happened next. I still remember that one cutscene, how they got me attached to a minor character so quickly and ripped her away just as fast; and the first dungeon? Experiencing the Trust System, and going through this intense battle on a grand scale with the help of the friends they kept on the sidelines for so long. 2018 - My life was monotonous and I had three other people living with me in my one-bedroom apartment. One of my roommate’s ex’s was now stalking him around my apartment, and work was becoming physically taxing on my legs. But I remember how much fun I had doing maps - and the release of the Tsukuyomi fight? That whole scene there? Oh, wow, it was so bittersweet. The fight was beautiful, the music was haunting, everything about it. Not to mention the ending solo-instances and Ghymlit? The Burn? Omega? The Four Lords? As much as I disliked them (due to my computer issues), even Rabanastre was memorable. 2017 - I was homeless, forced to work a job my body couldn’t handle. I met my spouse, though. I became heavily invested with my tumblr account, doing a full re-write of it all. While I wasn’t much of a fan of the expansion itself, there were some places that really opened my eyes. Azim Steppes? So beautiful - and gotta hand Y’shtola the award for sickest burn. Then I heard my favorite piece of music, and the most nostalgic for me when it comes to SB, Skalla’s theme (Far From Home). 

Lastly, I know this has been long. But I thank everyone around me for being so supportive and kind - I may not be in a good place, but know that every good thing that happens will be associated to this moment. I’ll look back on Year 8 and go “my security was compromised, and my anxiety ran high, but there were these people here who supported me on tumblr, that kept my blog running strong”. I will remember my roleplays, I will remember the music and scenery - even now, I’m getting nostalgic about Shadowbringers, and Endwalker hasn’t even come out yet! So thank you. Here’s to year number 8 - 8 whole years of XIV being in my life. It may not have been that long for many of you, some of you, this might be your first year; hell! Some of you, it’s been longer! But know that this community has helped me so much, and I can’t wait to continue being a part of it. Here’s to the eventual tears Year 9 will bring me! ]