#and I’m realising that there are things I’ve written about for the very last time

[jorvikzelda]

Back at the house with knots in the wooden ceiling. :,)

When I think of jorvikpov and MC’s cottage I think of the knots in the ceiling and the lonely moon shining through the window. It wasn’t always that way. I stayed in this house for the first time in winter 2022. Late at night I would look outside at the moon and stars & then up at the ceiling, just barely illuminated in the pale blue moonlight, and I would feel something still half undescribable. A deep longing for something I couldn’t place and yet the feeling that I was right at home. I think that’s the feeling jorvikpov is made from.

I think maybe I’m beginning to understand what it is I long for. What it is that feels like home.

It makes me emotional that jorvikpov is coming to an end, but I think I’m ready. I think it’s time. I think when I’m done, it’s going to have changed me not in ways I wanted or expected it to but in ways I desperately needed and in all the ways it ever could.

When I’m done, I will be ready to let it go.

[spaceman-earthgirl]

“Did you see this?” Lena asks, holding her phone out towards Kara. “It’s about your cousin.”

Kara’s instantly worried. If there’s a news article about Clark, there’s only two things it could be. One, he’s been in a big fight or something else dangerous has happened, or if it’s about Clark, and not Superman, then that could only spell bad news for Clark and his secret identity.

Kara’s heart actually stops for a moment when she sees “Clark Kent” in the headline, but lets out a sigh of relief when she realises it’s not a Daily Planet article, but an article from an online gossip magazine.

Lois Lane and Clark Kent, Metropolis’s Hottest New Couple?

Kara quickly scans the article, which is nothing but gossip, and two photos, one of Clark and Lois holding hands, another of the couple leaning close at a restaurant.

Kara smiles as she hands the phone back to Lena. Despite the lack of privacy some papparazi have, Kara is happy for her cousin.

“So, it’s true then?”

Kara nods. “It is. Clark called me last week. He was so happy they’re soulmates. Anyone with eyes could see they belong together but it’s nice to have it confirmed.”

And nice for Kara too. She’d always wondered if it was still possible that she could have a soulmate, one not from Krypton.

Turns out it is.

“That’s-“ Lena cuts herself off. “Wait, confirmed? What do you mean?”

Kara’s eyes widen as she realises her slip. She’s thought about telling Lena in so many different ways, at so many different times. But fear has always stopped her. What if she told Lena the truth, what if they kissed, and she finds out Lena isn’t her soulmate?

Kara’s never felt this way about anyone before, doesn’t think she could ever feel like this about anyone else either.

“I…do you believe in soulmates?” Kara asks, stalling slightly.

“No.” Lena replies. “Or I didn’t, until you just implied that soulmates are real.”

read the rest on ao3 or under the cut

Kara sighs. There’s no getting out of this. “They’re not real, at least not on Earth. Or not usually. Lois is the only human I’ve seen or heard of that has a soulmate. Clark and Lois are soulmates. All Kryptonian’s have one.”

“Are you…” Lena narrows her eyes. “You’re being serious?”

Kara nods. “The legend goes that Rao picks your soulmate, the person whose soul matches yours, the one most suited to you. But he doesn’t tell you who it is, you have to find that person yourself.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, they just find each other.” Kara had lost hope, with no one but her cousin left on Earth. But then she’d found Lena. Even before Clark had told her about Lois, she’d wondered if Lena could be her soulmate. “And then after your first kiss, a mark appears on your skin with their name, and that’s how you know they’re the one.”

Kara can see Lena’s mind working. “Does that mean Clark and Lois now have the other’s name written on each other?”

Kara laughs. “Yes. It was actually pretty funny when Clark called me, he’d had to explain to a very confused Lois why she now had a tattoo of Clark’s name.”

“So, you have to kiss someone to know?”

Kara nods. “I’m not sure why. I think it gives you a chance to get to know someone before you find out you’re destined to be together.”

“Have you found your soulmate?”

Kara shakes her head, though it feels wrong when she’s pretty sure her soulmate is right in front of her. Not that she knows for sure. “Not yet.”

“Do you wonder, every time you kiss someone, that they’ll be the one?”

“Yes and no. When I was younger, I’d hoped, just to prove I wasn’t alone. Sometimes I know they’re not the one, but now I know there’s someone out there for me, and I just have to wait.”

Lena lets out a little laugh. “I guess it puts more pressure on a first kiss, like there isn’t enough already.”

Kara laughs too. “It really does.” She can’t help but wonder, that without this extra pressure, whether she would have already told Lena how she feels.

“Who knows,” Lena says, still smiling. “It could even be me.”

Kara chokes on nothing. The hand that appears at Kara’s back, soothing up and down as Kara tries to catch her breath, doesn’t help at all.

“It…it could be,” Kara finally manages to get out.

Lena looks amused, clearly enjoying Kara’s struggle, and Kara suddenly wants to do nothing more than kiss that look off of Lena’s face.

Lena shrugs. “We’ve never kissed so you never know.”

“I haven’t kissed a lot of people,” Kara points out unnecessarily. “It could be any of them too.” She’s not sure why she says it, except for the fact she wants to point the focus of the conversation away from Lena and kissing.

“Well, you’re not getting any younger, you need to start crossing people off that list.”

Kara rolls her eyes and suddenly everything feels back to normal, she’s just talking to her best friend, the person besides Alex she trusts most in the universe.

“Are you hungry, we could-“ Kara starts, assuming the conversation is over, at least for now, until Kara can work up the courage to tell Lena how she feels, but Lena isn’t done.

“Kara,” Lena cuts in, looking suddenly serious. “I don’t know if I’m way off here but I know I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about this.” Lena reaches out and takes Kara’s hand and Kara’s breath catches in her chest. “Please tell me you feel this too? Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s fallen in love with their best friend? I didn’t even believe in soulmates before today but I’ve always believed we found each other for a reason, that we belong together. And maybe this is why.”

There are tears in Lena’s eyes by the time she finishes talking and Kara’s own heart is racing as she reaches up to catch a tear before it spills down Lena’s cheek.

And then she doesn’t even think as she leans forward, capturing Lena’s lips in a kiss she’s dreamt about too many times to count.

Lena’s breath catches as their lips meet and now Kara’s crying too as Lena’s hand grips her shirt, holding her close.

The kiss is brief, only because Kara’s forgotten something crucial and she has to tell Lena. “I love you, too,” Kara says as she pulls back, the words brushing Lena’s mouth as she does.

Kara’s whole body is on fire as green eyes meet hers, still so close. Kara doesn’t even need to look down to where her arm is tingling, to know that Lena’s her soulmate. She’s pretty sure deep down she’s known since she first laid eyes on her.

With great effort she does look away from Lena, only because she wants to show Lena the words now written on her skin.

Kara pulls up her sleeve and there it is, in black ink, undeniable against her tan skin. There is Lena’s name, and Kara is crying again.

“That’s going to be tough to hide,” Lena says, and it’s meant to be a joke but it comes out too breathless to be anything but awe. Lena lifts her hand, runs her fingers gently over the name, and Kara’s knees go weak.

“Do you…” Kara asks, because now she wants to see it, needs to see her name on Lena’s skin too.

Lena turns, and she must have had the same feeling as Kara because she lifts up her shirt and there it is, low on Lena’s back, ‘Kara Zor-El’ written clear as day.

Kara reaches out, thumb ghosting over the spot her name is written.

“It is there?” Lena asks, voice filled with such hope that Kara places her hands on her arms, spins her gently until they’re facing each other again.

“Yes.” Kara lifts her hands, cups Lena’s cheek, thumbs catching more tears as they fall. They both know they’re happy tears. “I love you,” Kara repeats, because she can now. She’s going to say it so many times, Lena will get sick of it.

“I love you, too,” Lena repeats, her smile so bright Kara’s knees go weak again. And then Lena leans forward and kisses her again and Kara is lucky she manages to stay upright because Lena’s mouth feels so right and perfect against her own.

---

Two days later, in the CatCo gossip column, there’s a picture of the two of them kissing in Noonan’s, with the title:

Lena Luthor and Kara Danvers, National City’s Hottest New Couple?

[midnightorchids]

Hey babe- I wanted to know how you felt about booknerd!reader x Jason. Because it's been rotting my brain forever now and I need to know what someone as genius as yourself thinks about it. So like- We know Jason is a book girl. He's got huge floor to ceiling shelves in his apartment filled with non-fiction, historical fiction, classics, and maybe a few Si-Fi titles. I feel like he would love Toni Morison, Maya Angelou, Henrik Isben, Margret Atwood, and maybe even Harukai Murakami. He has this beautiful collection of leather bond additions of the Iliad Bruce gave him when he was 16. And when he finally invites you over, he cannot contain his excited smile as you start gushing over his home library. He makes you guys coffee and you spend hours talking about your fav genres, authors, online author drama - and after he's walking back to his apartment after dropping you off, he's smiling down at his phone at the message you sent. 'I had so much fun today! Ur library is so so so cool, was wondering if you would be ok going with me to Chapters next week? Wanted to pick up the new Skyward book' He's kicking his feet and hiding his face in his pillow. So deeply overjoyed that his crush shares in his immense love of literature. After you guys officially get together, he buys you so many fucking books. He fallows your goodreads wishlist religiously and surprises you almost every month with a new addition to your growing collection. He usually collects used paper backs, but for you, he splurges on the hardcover special additions. Of course it's because he loves you but it's also so that, maybe, you'll be more incentivised to move into a different apartment. One with floor-to-ceiling book shelves and a shared bed... just saying.. He branches out into more genres and authors he wouldn't usually read from just so he could talk about your favourite books with you. You do the same - your book collections getting mixed together in the process. Library dates, bookstore dates, used-bookstore dates. Your first couple of dates and realisations of love happened in and around books. You would always leave little messages inside the first page of the books you give him. So that if your every away or he's on a mission and he takes a book with him, he'll have one of your small messages of love as a reminder of something to return home to.

Hi hon!! I’m so sorry for the late response, I’ve been dying with uni and just life in general recently, but I’m back and ready to write again!!

I fully agree with almost everything that you said, like you’ve written it out so well and it’s just so cute! I was literally giggling and kicking my feet at the last one omg.

I shall try to add more stuff!!

Jason’s go to present for his loved ones is annotated copies of his favourite books. He only does this when he feels comfortable with a person because sharing his thoughts feels raw and vulnerable sometimes.

Having a significant other who loves to read and appreciates these types of gifts would make him feel happy and very emotional. It’s not often he gets to share this side of himself with people.

When he gifts his copies to his friends or his partner, he feels like he’s leaving a piece of him with the person, so he only does this when he trusts you.

He leaves detailed little messages on the margins of his books. He draws little smiley faces on the cute parts and angry faces on the parts that made him upset.

In the books for his significant other, Jason leaves little notes around the quotes that remind him of you. He highlights them in a different colour and makes sure his notes look extra tidy.

He sucks at wrapping things, so sometimes you’ll get a very poorly wrapped, tape covered novel. You’ll look at the wrapping and laugh, you’d pinch his cheeks teasingly and tell him he did a good job. He’d turn his face away in embarrassment, which leads to you placing a gentle kiss on his cheek.

Then, there would be times where he doesn’t have the energy to deal with the horrible wrapping paper. So, you’ll be gifted a plain paper back with a sticky note on the front cover that reads ‘for you,’ in squiggly lines.

It’s honestly sweet and he gets very shy about it.

Also, Jason’s taste in books is very diverse, he reads anything from the classics to romance to gothic horror. He reads anything and everything and because of that, I think that it would be very easy for you to share your thoughts and recommendations with him.

Even if Jason hasn’t read the book, he listens intently with a huge smile on his face. He loves listening to you talk. If he doesn’t know the author or the book, he will try to familiarize himself with what you’re reading and branch into different genres.

There would be lots of reading and bookstore dates. You’d browse through the different aisles with his hand in yours, only letting go when a particular book catches your attention. He watches you in awe as you gush about the different series.

(Side note, my friends and I always go to bookstores and just point out the worst books we’ve read and I think Jason would do that too.)

As you search through the shelves to find your next read, he’ll come to you all excited, rambling about the book in his hand. From the looks of it, it seems like he loves the book. His hands are moving around, he’s smiling and giggling, but if you pay attention, he’s actually just cussing out the author.

This becomes a tradition in your relationship. You both bring up books that you hate instead of the ones that you really enjoy. You’d spend the next hour of your bookstore visit just giggling at the random passages that the author thought were good enough to share with the world.

I think this would also lead to a book club of reading awful books sometimes just for shits and giggles. There would be weeks where you would read amazing, well written stories together, but then there would be times when you guys would pick up something bad just to make fun of it.

Overall, Jason would love having a book nerd significant other because he finally has someone who he can geek out with.

[beautifulbrainrot]

first time

spencer reid x fem!reader

cw 18+ fem!virgin!reader, implied age gap (reader in 20s, spencer in like.. s7-15) soft fluffy sex, a bit jokey (you’ll see), swearing, oral (f!receiving), unprotected p in v

a/n def the longest thing i’ve ever written so please lmk if this is nonsensical babble ..

-

when you first met spencer reid, you thought he was one of the most handsome men you’d ever seen.

as you got closer to him, you realised that no only was he extremely attractive, he was smart, awkward but charming, all around the perfect man. of course you wanted him! who wouldn’t?

except there were a few things stopping you from making a move as most people might do. first of all, he was your coworker. you had recently started at the BAU, and you did not want to be that new girl who sleeps with her more senior coworkers. another thing was that you were slightly.. more inexperienced than most in that particular feild. you had never had sex. or dated anyone. or even had a first kiss. god, you were pathetic! you wanted those things, so desperately, but many factors had stopped you.

and who would want the pathetic, over 20 year old virgin? at least that’s what you thought.

spencer had had his eye on you since you joined the team. at first it was innocent, you were smart and seemed nice, and awfully pretty. then, being a profiler, he started noticing things about you. you were extra nervous around him, blushing when he would talk to you. and recently you had even begun to avoid him. ducking away when he called your name from across the room, avoiding conversation if not pertinent to work and just overall staying away from him.

he had grown quite fond of you over the time you’d been on the team, even developing a small crush on you. who was he kidding, it was a huge crush. his eyes lingered on your pretty face a little too long, he didn’t mind it when you touched him (which was uncommon for someone he didn’t know very well) and he found himself thinking about you more than he normally would with his friends, even his closest friends.

spencer reid had a crush on you.

and you had a crush on spencer reid.

problem was, you were avoiding him like the plague and he didn’t really know how to talk to you.

you were at a impass.

good thing is, spencer had gotten better over the years at his people skills, and talking to people wasn’t as daunting as it once was for him. he just needed to wait for the right moment.

the right moment came in the office, late in the evening, when you, him and two or so others were still there. he walked up to your desk, knocking quietly on the wood of the table to alert you to the fact he was standing there.

you looked up, eyes widening as you saw it was spencer. standing at your desk. about to talk to you.

“hey, can i- can i talk to you for a second? in private.”

you nodded, blush dusting your cheeks. you followed him to an empty office, where you both stepped inside and he closed the door behind you.

“you’ve been avoiding me.” he started, looking down at you.

“i- i haven’t!”

“actually you have. we haven’t talked about anything not essential to work in… 1 week, 5 days and 2 hours.” he said, glancing down at his watch to see the exact time.

“you know the exact time we last talked..?” you asked, raising your eyebrow slightly. spencer’s eyes widened and he grimaced. real smooth.

“that’s.. not important. why are you avoiding me? i haven't said anything or done anything, have i?” he fretted, frowning slightly, wracking his brain for anything he might have done to upset you.

“no, spencer, you haven’t done anything! this is me- i’m.. i’m being unprofessional.” you sighed, gently placing your hand on his arm to calm him.

he gladly accepted the touch, holding back a smile as he realised this was the first time you touched him in weeks. your touch made him feel warm, heat radiating through his body from the spot on his arm where your palm lay.

“unprofessional, how?” he asked, tilting his head in a way that was akin to a confused puppy, which you thought was quite cute.

you sighed, deciding whether you were going to tell him or not. either he was going to be uncomfortable, or maybe, just maybe he might like you back.

“i had- well- i have a bit of a.. crush on you..” you whispered, grimacing as you realised that there was no taking back what you just said. no where else to go but forward. so you just started rambling.

“and- i mean! i didn’t want it to be uncomfortable or be unprofessional at work so i started avoiding you because you obviously don’t like me back so-“

“how’d you know i don’t like you back?”

“because who would like a pathetic twenty something year old virgin, who’s never even been kissed!” you yelled exasperatedly.

spencer’s eyes widened.

yours did too.

“i did.. not mean to say that.”

spencer didn’t say anything for a second.

“what i was trying to say.. is i do like you back.”

you looked up at him, shocked.

“even- even after what i just said?”

he shrugged, nodding.

“yes, i mean i was inexperienced in my twenties too. and now that i’m more experienced.. i can help you out.. if you want?” he breathed, voice low, his hands landing softly on your hips, thumbs rubbing small circles on your work skirt.

you knew you were blushing like crazy, embarrassment and lust heating up your cheeks.

“so.. i guess what i’m trying to say is.. do you want me to kiss you?”

you nodded dumbly, and barely a second passed before his large palms were cupping your heated cheeks, and his soft lips were of yours. you practically melted into him, turned into mush from the sweet and simple kiss.

he gently pulled away, and you looked up at him, eyes lidded and dazed.

“so.. how was that for your first kiss?”

you bit your lip, smiling softly.

“i think i want you to do it again.”

he didn’t waste any time, capturing your lips again, moulding them with his as he kissed you deeply. the kiss quickly got even deeper, more passionate, and when he pulled away you were flushed and panting.

emboldened, you initiated the next kiss, pushing yourself against his lean body, tangling your hands in his messy hair. he accepted this touch gladly, moaning lowly into your mouth at the feeling of your fingers tugging slightly on his soft locks.

by this point you were more than hot and bothered, practically soaking through your panties from just a few kisses. though who could blame you? you were a virgin kissing the most handsome man you’d ever seen in your life, and he was kissing you back. deeply. fervorously. passionately.

but just kissing wasn’t enough to satisfy this need inside of you. this want, this desperate urge. you needed him to touch you, to hold you, to fuck you. and you needed him to do it now.

“spencer-“ you whined, pulling away from his lips, pressing yourself closer against him.

“i need you.”

he cupped your cheeks again, looking down at your desperate face, eyes wide and wanting.

“i’m not taking your virginity in an empty office in the BAU.”

you groaned, and he laughed softly at the pout on your face.

“my apartment is near here! please spencer, please, i’m tired of waiting, i want you. now.” you cried, pressing yourself closer against him. it was then that you felt it. a bulge in his slacks.

holy fuck. he was hard. he was hard, because of you.

you trailed your hand down his body, ghosting over his crotch. you smiled as he closed his eyes with a shaky breath.

“c’mon... please can we go to mine?” you smiled softly, looking up at him, your smile widening as you saw that glint of pure lust in his gorgeous eyes.

he didn’t say anything for a second, seemingly weighing up the options, and deciding what to do. then finally, he spoke.

“okay.”

the trip back to your apartment was quick, and as soon as you entered the door, you were up against the wall again, your hands back in his hair and his on your hips.

slowly, you started grinding together, slightly clumsily at first on your part, but he quickly hooked your leg up and around his, pressing his clothed cock into your clothed core.

the pressure against your aching, soaked cunt was perfect, your head falling back slightly as you moaned. spencer took the opportunity to kiss on your jaw and down to neck, before going to your collar ( under where your work shirt would be ) to start sucking in a dark hickey.

you breath came out in pants, whimpering and moaning softly as he ground up into you.

“bedroom, please- please.” you gasped. you needed him. right fucking now.

you gasped, wrapping your hands around his neck as he suddenly picked you up, legs hooked around his hips, face in his neck as he carried you over to your bedroom.

he placed you gently on the bed, and stood over you. you were both looking at eachother with lust in your eyes, unable to tear away.

“do you want me to continue. do you want to have sex with me?”

you nodded quickly.

“words, baby.”

baby. holy fuck.

“i want to. please.” you answered quickly.

“do you want to take your clothes of for me?”

“only if you take yours of too.”

he smiled at that, quickly unbuttoning his shirt as you shedded your blouse.

“can you help with my bra?” you asked softly, turning, back to him.

he helped you unclasp it, and you turned back around, shedding the garment.

“beautiful.” he whispered as he looked at you, now only left in your panties.

you smiled softly, feeling completely comfortable as he looked at your nude chest. you in turn, started at his. he wasn’t muscley by any means, but he was lean and tall, with a small soft tummy you wanted to litter with a million kisses.

your eyes drifted down to his boxers, biting your lip as you saw the tent in his underwear. he smirked slightly as he watched your awestruck face closely, monitoring your expressions. spencer had come a long way with how he felt about his body, but he was still insecure. but seeing the way you looked at him, the pure awe and lust in your eyes made him feel better than ever before.

he whispered your name, and you looked up, small smile on your face.

“lie back, baby.” he said, his voice gentle and you couldn’t help but obey.

he helped you shuffle out of your panties, pulling them down off your legs, before pressing himself inbetween your legs.

your eyes widened as you realised what he was going to do.

“you don’t have to-“

“i want to. do you want me too?” he quickly answered.

you nodded, before quickly saying yes, remembering that he wanted vocal consent. you were blushing like crazy, and you leaned your head back into the pillows so that you could hide your heated face from him.

spencer didn’t notice, too busy gentle parting your thighs with his large hands, pushing them apart to reveal your glistening pussy to him.

overcome with lust and need, he leaned in, licking a broad stripe from your hole to your clit before circling his tongue around your clit softly.

you gasped and moaned lewdly, your lips parting as he continued licking your pussy, desperate to hear those sounds from you again.

he ate you liked a starved man, and just like his kisses he was passionate and feverous, moaning lowly into you. your taste was like honey to him, and the sounds you were making were angelic, music to his ears, the soft, needy noises coming from your parted lips as you squirmed on the bed encouraging to go faster, sloppier, deeper until you were screaming out with pleasure, legs trembling and shaking as you came hard on his readily awaiting tounge.

“holy.. holy fuck!” you laughed, quite literally in shock as he removed his face from between your quivering thighs. and fuck, if you didn’t almost come again at the sight of spencer reid, between your thighs, lips and chin slick with your juices, smiling softly up at you, pupils blown with lust.

he moved up your body, capturing your lips in a deep kiss, and you moaned at the taste of yourself on his tongue. it was sloppy and messy and dirty and perfect.

you parted from his lips, panting quietly.

“fuck me.” you said, biting your lip, “please?”

he kissed you chastely, before pulling away to remove his boxers. your eyes almost popped out of your head when you saw him, unrevealed to you at last. he was big. fuck. how were you going to take all of that?

“it’s okay. it’ll fit.” he breathed. you looked at him, jaw dropped. he talked about it so nochalantly, like he wasn’t constantly carrying around that fucking thing. you picked your jaw up and smirked softly. you could not wait to have him inside of you.

he lined himself up with you, and you shivered slightly with anticipation when you felt the head of him brush against your quivering hole.

holy fuck. this was happening.

he slowly pushed in, and you threw your head back into the pillows. the stretch burned, but soon the pain turned into pleasure, the feeling of being so filled, so fucking perfect you felt like crying and praising god. or spencer, really.

“feels- s’good spence-“ you chocked out, panting harshly into the quiet room as he stretched you open with his cock.

you both moaned as he bottomed out in you.

“are you ready?”

“so, so ready.”

he met your lips in a gentle kiss, that quickly turned rough and passionate as he started thrusting into you, pulling himself out before pushing back in.

as his thrusts got faster, you clung onto him, hands scratching down his back as he rhythmically fucked into you.

a continuous string of moans fell from your parted lips, the sounds going straight to spencer’s cock, making him go faster and deeper, holding you close as he fucked you.

he connected his lips to yours again, both of you moaning into eachothers mouths. the kiss was lewd and sloppy and passionate and so fucking perfect.

it didn’t take long before your legs were shaking again, your second orgasm of the night nearing. spencer could feel you clench around his cock as you neared the edge, the extra pressure causing him to get closer as well.

you both came together, holding each other close, moaning and panting. he pulled out gently, rolling over to lie next to you. you turned onto your side to look at him, and he did the same. you kissed him softly, chastely. unlike your previous kisses, this was gentler and softer, filling you with a different kind of warmth than the heat of lust.

“how was that for your first time? i hope i didn’t disappoint.” spencer grinned, and you couldn’t help the smile that formed on your face just looking at his.

“definitely didn’t disappoint.” you giggled. he wrapped his arm around you, holding your body close to him, both your eyes closing as the exhaustion of your long day and.. extracurricular activities finally caught up with you.

-

hope you like! reblogs and comments are always appreciated !

[cosmal]

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐑𝐨𝐜𝐤 — 𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐮𝐬 𝐋𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐧

summary — you and remus lupin have become really good at stealing each other away from parties.

or but if you're too drunk to drive and the music is right, she might let you stay but just for the night....she might want a kiss before the end of this song.

warnings/tags — fem!afab!reader, she/her pronouns, modern!au, friends to lovers, absolute idiots in love, mutual pining, oblivious!reader, oblivious!remus, drunk!reader, drunk!remus, alcohol consumption

note — this is inspired by lovers rock by tv girl!!! i think this is the longest thing i've ever written. I do very much like it as of right now. that'll probably change in a week.

word count — 12.4k

“Thank Godric, you’re here,” Mary groans from her position on the front porch, Marlene leaning into her side. Both are clearly enjoying a cigarette away from the din of the party. You can tell what type of night it’s going to be already. Not that you’ve arrived two hours late anyway.

“I’ve never seen you so happy to see me, Mary,” you giggle, crossing the threshold of Sirius’s front lawn, careful not to trip on his collection of stolen garden gnomes.

“I’m always happy to see you, lovely.” She extends her hand, the cigarette between her lovely red nails on offer. 

“You know who’s going to be even happier?” Marlene coughs, as you take the smoke thankfully, taking a few calming puffs. 

You pretend like you have any idea who she’s referring to, “Jamie? Haven’t seen him in a while. Miss that boy,” you laugh, voice strained through the thick smoke you exhale. 

“No, you idiot.” Mary pipes up and you hand the smoke back, “Remus. He hasn’t shut up about you all night.”

“That’s if he’s sober enough to even notice you’re here,” Marlene laughs and so does Mary. You smile, small enough to not show how happy you actually are that you get to see him. It’s been too long. 

“He’s drinking?” 

“Absolutely hammered. We were hoping you’d get here earlier so he wouldn’t drink too much. Please go look after him.” Mary throws her arm around Marlene and she snuggles in closer. They both look content enough to fall asleep right there in the cool summer breeze. 

“I’m sure he’s doing okay.” 

“I’m sure he will be when you get inside.” 

You move to toe your shoes off at the front mat, kicking them away so they’re not a tripping hazard. 

“When has Sirius ever done that at your house, Y/N?” Mary laughs, looking down at your socked feet

“Oh, no. This is for me. Don’t want to get my shoes dirty.” You laugh when you grab the handle of the flyscreen, swinging the door open. 

The girls’ laughter becomes a distant murmur when you enter the kitchen, met with mostly everyone sitting around the dining table. A deal of cards in everyone’s hands, and piles of coins and sweets sat in the middle. 

James and Lily laughing and glowing under the downcast of the orange lighting, appearing to seemingly be winning. Sirius and Frank having their own side bets, throwing coins around before both calling tails. Then, there's Remus. You try to ignore the hitch in your breath when your eyes land on the sandy-haired boy.

He really does look drunk, eyes droopy but still bright when he hiccups a laugh at something James says. A quiet, airy chuckle that has his mouth creasing and eyelashes kissing his cheeks. A smile so pretty, you have to fight your own.

His head is propped up on the table by an elbow that looks like it’s about to slip off the edge, so you sneak up behind him and place your hand against his arm to stop him from falling face-first into the wood.

He looks up at you, a little startled for a second, and you can see the moment it clicks in his head when he realises who he’s looking at. He smiles, all surprised but content and you melt. The last time you had seen him was only for the third time ever at another one of Sirius’s parties. You hate to admit that the only thing you look forward to now is when you receive an invite from your workmate and you have another excuse to see his lanky best friend.

“Y/N! When did you get here?” Sirius chants, flicking his last remaining coin at Frank. He shoots him a well-deserved glare.

“About thirty seconds ago,” you smile.

Sirius looks down at your socked feet and frowns, “You took your shoes off again. How many times do I have to tell you, you don’t have to do that.”

You roll your eyes, “You’re gross, Sirius.”

Remus looks down too, the top of his head pressing into your side, a crush of his curls tickling the bare skin of your arm and you almost shiver. “Cool socks.” Is the first thing he says to you. You giggle.

They’re a dark cornflower shade, moons scattered across the material at random. They crease when you wriggle your toes, “Thanks. Got them from mum for my birthday.”

“She has good taste.” He moves off of you, slouching down in his chair until his knees are pressing Lily’s legs. 

His head lolls backwards, neck bared under the warm light. You think you feel dizzier than he does. Even when he squeezes his eyes shut. 

“What have you done to him?” you laugh, hand flat against his forehead to brush away his loose hair. He keens, sighing deeply under a hiccup. 

“He’s very awful at poker,” James laughs, flicking a pastille across the table. You look at his high pile, and then Sirius and Franks’ which are almost of equal height. Then you look in front of Remus, the table almost bare. You laugh. 

“We like to play a little differently,” Franks states over the rim of his bottle. 

“Basically, you take a shot every time you lose,” James says, sober as ever. You think maybe he hasn’t lost yet. 

“And Remus has lost every hand,” Sirius adds to the chime of details. 

“Have not!” Remus finally pipes up, finger pointed at James instead of Sirius, too distracted staring at the ceiling. “Frank lost the first.” 

“Anyways, Moons. You just lost and I think you owe us another.” 

Remus groans, but sits up to reach for the bottle of Sambuca sitting in the middle of the table. You gently swat his hand and push him back into his chair. 

“I think you’ve had enough,” you say, turning to place the bottle on the kitchen bench, along with the empty bottles. 

“C’mon, one more,” Remus giggles, making hands for the bottle in the air. A child, you think. 

“Yeah, Y/N! One more!” Sirius agrees, smiling boyishly. 

“You’ll make yourself sick,” you chide with a small frown. Remus slumps against you, much defeated. He might fall asleep on you if you stand there any longer. You poke his cheek where it’s pressed into your clothes. 

“He already is sick.” Sirius is smug when he speaks and you fret about what else he’s about to say, “Sick in love.” 

You laugh. Could’ve been worse. But it still has your heart skipping in your chest. You really do hope Remus shares the feelings you hold for him. But then again, Remus is drunk and Sirius, is well, he’s Sirius. Despite the name, he hardly ever is. 

“Boo. Awful.” You frown in faux offence, ignoring him when he winks at you. Sickening, really. 

You lean down so your mouth is in line with Remus’s ear, “You wanna go lay down?” You realise you’re in quite a predicament. Coming over to parties to see Sirius’s best friend. Looking after him when he’s drunk. You’d hoped he would do the same. 

“Please, no sex in my house,” Sirius states, standing to grab another drink. James guffaws. 

You roll your eyes, “He’s drunk.”

“So, you do want to have sex with him?” he adds. 

You almost choke on your tongue, “No, it’s just. He- Stop it.” You have to stop yourself from saying something wrong. It wasn’t a lie, you did want to. But you wanted much more than that. 

“Leave her alone,” Remus chides, leaning back off your stomach. “You’ll scare her off and I’ll never see her again,” 

He was right, his friends did intimidate you. But you’d hoped it would take more than not yet warming up to them to get you to never see Remus again. 

Remus stands and you’re surprised he doesn’t stumble when he takes your hand to lead you away from the table and out into the lounge room. You poke your tongue out over your shoulder when you hear James make some sort of crude comment to Frank. Lily smiles warmly at you as an apology. 

He sits down with all the gracefulness of a baby elephant and you have to bite back a laugh. He looks up at you, pretty eyes all droopy and a lopsided smile, and you feel like you’ll never come back from these feelings ever. 

Before you can overly admire him for too long, he’s patting the space next to him with a floppy hand. “C’mon.” 

You oblige probably too willingly, flopping yourself down next to him with a small oomph, your thigh pressing into his. He shuffles down the lounge to rest his head atop your shoulder, neck craned a little to reach it. You can’t find it in yourself to mind. His face is warm and it presses into your collarbone that’s peeking from out the top of your shirt. His light stubble tickles your skin and it’s weirdly soothing. God, you know you’re in deep. 

“You smell good.” 

You breathe in subconsciously, “You do, too.” 

Under the strong scent of stale beer and sambuca, you can think you can discern a hint of his cologne. Woody and something like cinnamon. Mixed in with the light scent of his laundry detergent, like fresh linen and lavender. He's dizzying. 

“I smell like beer,” he groans, hand finding its way between both of your thighs, your skirt tangled in his fingers. 

“You smell nice,” you laugh. 

You watch the doorway where James gets up to turn the dial on the vinyl player. The current song now loud enough to be heard where you’re sitting.

Humming along, you say, “I love this song.”

Remus gawps, “Me too. S’my favourite, actually.”

Remus having the exact same favourite song as you makes your head spin. “No way.”

“Yes way.” he smiles. If he were soberer, you’d gush to him over this. It’d have to wait.

He shifts his head from your shoulder and startles for a moment, eyebrows raised, “I didn’t even ask if you wanted a drink.” You get whiplash from the change of subject. 

You sigh, very amused at his intent to be nice to you, despite being half-cut, “I’m okay. I wasn’t really planning on drinking tonight.” 

He frowns, wrinkles his nose and you want to kiss it. God. “Why did you come, then?” The fact he thinks you came to get drunk and not just to see him makes you want to laugh. 

The smile you’re still trying to fight every time he speaks makes your cheeks ache, “To see Sirius.” 

He frowns even more and you think he wants to shift away from you. He roughly scratches at his face and you almost regret messing with him. 

“Sirius?” He hiccups. 

“I’m kidding.” You poke his bicep, “I came to see you.” 

There’s a silence and then Remus is breaking out into one of the biggest grins you’d ever seen. You’d have the decency in you to blame it on being drunk. Nothing else. 

“Me?” He hiccups, again. You place your hand atop his thigh and trace the thick seam of his pants. 

“Yes, you.”

His smile dials back but doesn’t fade and his face relaxes. He leans down to place his head back against your shoulder, cheek all smooshed.  

“Oh.” 

“Oh?” 

“Thank you.” he hums, hooking his elbow behind yours, completely squished against you. He thinks you must be cold in a skirt and a small T-shirt. “I like it when you’re here. You make it bearable.” 

You want to accept his compliment, but when he hiccups for the third time, you remember he’s drunk. “That’s a bit mean, Remus. Will I tell your friends you can’t bear them?” 

Remus stiffens and you stop rubbing his leg. Drunk Remus is very gullible. Sweet, but gullible all the same. 

“Stop it. You know what I mean.” He pushes further into your shoulder and you feel yourself dip down against him, head almost falling against his. You wouldn’t mind if it did, but it wouldn’t be very comfortable, you assume. 

“I don’t think I do,” you tease and Remus pinches your side, which results in a stifled yelp. 

“Don’t be cruel.” He strains.

“I would never.”

When you shiver in your spot, Remus wonders what your answer would be if he offered you his jacket. He thinks he should test his theory. 

“Are you cold?” he asks but doesn’t move his head from your shoulder.

“A little,” you yawn. Which then causes Remus to yawn. You laugh animatedly. 

“Do you,” Remus blinks slowly, eyelashes kissing his cheeks as he attempts to keep his eyes open. “do you want my jacket?” 

You’re glad Remus’ head is still propped on your shoulder lest he sees the blush creeping across your cheeks. Drunk Remus is gullible. But drunk Remus is still just as kind as he is when he’s sober. 

“Then you’ll be cold,” you reply, giving his thigh a squeeze. You crane your neck to look at him. He looks tired. 

“Better me than you.” He moves to take it off and before he can even get one arm out, you sit forward and place your hands on his chest. Fingers twisted in his cotton shirt, your turned knee pressing into his. 

“Remus, I’m okay.” You give him your most reassuring smile. Being cold is no one’s fault but your own. You don’t want to be an annoyance. 

“You sure?” 

“Positive.” 

Remus sits back, albeit begrudgingly, hands wrapped around the zipper of his jacket. The further he pushes back into the lounge, the more he looks like he’s about to fall asleep. 

“Remus?” you murmur. Voice quiet under the din of the party. Sirius is a loud drunk, his laughter roaring at something stupid James is doing. 

His head begins to dip into the edge of the cushion, headed for the arm of the chair. If he kept this up, he’d have a crick in his neck in no time. 

He hums and you pat his cheek to encourage him to sit up. It’s bemusing how quickly he can drift off. You’re very envious. Maybe it’s just the alcohol. 

“What’s up?” he murmurs in return, peeking from one eye, the other scrunched up. He’s adorable and you’re in too deep. 

“You seem tired.” You poke his face this time and he beams, all warm and dozey under the mellow light of Sirius’s living room. A line of curls falling into his eyes and the apples of his cheeks a tinge of peach. 

He hums again, much thicker than last. “M’not.” 

You hold out your hand, all five fingers spread. “How many fingers am I holding up?” 

He struggles, but pulls his hand from his lap and holds it up to yours, tangling your fingers. Palm flush against yours and much warmer in comparison. “Feels like five.” He pulls your entwined hands back down and you laugh. 

You try not to shy from his actions, pretending like it doesn’t make your heart skip, and then almost stop completely when his thumb rubs circles into the top of your hand. You can feel the warmth seeping from his into your own and your fingertips tingle. 

“Do you want to go home?” You twist so you’re completely on the edge of the lounge, hand still wrapped in his. You stop, “Or are you staying here tonight?” 

He brings his arm up - with yours still tangled - and rubs his face with the back of his hand. Dragging you up and down. You giggle at his tired actions before pouting. 

“I think.'' You can tell he’s trying to stay alert enough to hold a conversation with you.

When he wakes up in the morning he won’t remember being so tired here and will think you both had the best conversation. You’ll be okay with this. “I think Sirius was supposed to take me home, but he’s too drunk now.” 

“You’ll sleep on the couch?” You frown and he blinks. 

“I think I might have to.” He throws his head back and sighs. Strained and raspy. 

You look at the size of Sirius’s two-seater and then Remus’s stupidly long legs. It wouldn’t work, and he’d end up with either a sore back or a worse-off neck than whatever it was he was doing right now. You don’t even really think before you say, “I can walk you home.” 

Remus looks a little more alert, “You can’t sleep on this.” You prod the squeaky leather and it bounces back with absolutely no recoil. You’ll be sure to scold Sirius next time for having a horrendous couch, though enough money to buy everyone in the room ten of them. You know he won’t appreciate the exaggeration. But it’s for the sake of his friends’ backs. 

“You don’t have to do that.” He sits up properly now and tries to situate himself to look convincingly comfortable. “I’ll make do.” 

“It’s no big deal.” You shrug. “I’m walking home anyways.”

Now he’s sitting forward, his knees pushing into your leg and you almost stumble off the seat, grabbing his arm for purchase. “You just got here.” He almost frets and then coughs to hide his worry. He’s not very good at achieving a smooth, cool demeanour when half-cut. Not that he ever achieves it sober, he thinks. 

“No, but I think you need to go home and sleep.” You look out into the kitchen that’s now surprisingly quieter. Lily looks like she’s about to fall asleep, leaning on James’s shoulder, who’s trying to play a horrible game of go fish with Sirius and Frank. Absolute party animals.

“I live too far away, anyways,” he says, leaning down to tie his shoelaces. “You’ll have to walk me home and then walk back, you’ll be walking for at least an hour and a half.” Why Remus is so afraid to suggest you can stay the night at his, he doesn’t know.

You squeeze his shoulder as he struggles to loop his lace through his fingers. He decides to go for the simpler, bunny-ear option. “That’s okay. You can stay at mine. I only live ten minutes away.”

When Remus sits back up after tying his laces too tight, his face is pink.

-

Remus Lupin has never been one for sitting comfortably, ever. With long, lanky limbs, he always has his legs sprawled out and his arms thrown over something. Anything he can take up comfortably, with enough space to spread, he’ll sit willingly. 

On one hand, he’s thankful you convinced him not to sleep on Sirius’s couch. He didn’t need a repeat of New Year’s. Though, on the other hand, he could’ve made do. 

Nothing was like sitting in your bedroom. He wouldn’t say he was uncomfortable, though deep down he was a little, a pit of anxiety creeping up his chest. He felt like he had little room to move - despite you owning a double bed - because he didn’t want to look stupid. He could take up space and not notice it.  

Remus has trouble not taking in every detail he can in your room. Like your little trinket dishes filled with miscellaneous items, signet rings and seashells. The stuffed rhino toy in the middle of your pillows that you had told him - shyly at that - was named Clarence. Not before giggling at the poster of Twilight that you swore had been there since you were young. Your current read splayed open on the end of your bed, along with the stack of records in a blue milk crate in the corner, were things he promised himself he would ask you about when he wasn’t half tipsy and could hold a proper conversation. 

In his admiration, one that was making his anxiety spread into warmth that seemed to be seeping from his bones. He’s too busy pretending like he isn’t taking in every small detail one shouldn’t when they’ve only known someone for only a month, and doesn’t notice that you’ve changed. 

He looks over at you, in a pair of shorts littered with tiny daisies and a shirt that almost eats said shorts. Your hair pulled back and your face still sort of wet from where you obviously washed off the day's grime, causing the hairs around your face to curl. He doesn’t know if it’s the fading alcohol that’s causing him to hiccup even more, or if it’s seeing you all fresh and content from being at home that has his breath catching. 

Remus Lupin is still a little drunk but he is also quite clearly growing to like you even more. That doesn’t change. He thinks he's done everything backwards. Meeting you, then seeing you now but too inebriated to say something redeeming, and then seeing you in the comfort of your own home before he even gets to ask you on a date. He also thinks he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“Remus?” Your voice is as calm as you look when you speak and he melts. 

“Hm?” He blinks, shaking his head. 

“You okay?” Warm light washes over you and paints you amber as you patter across the room, the moon socks that are still on your feet pressing into the white fabric of your rug. “You’re not feeling sick?” He thinks he should blame his daze on a fake sickness, but he doesn’t want you to worry even more, so he decides against it. 

When you press the back of your hand to his cheek, that’s only warm because he’s a little overwhelmed, not because he’s feeling poorly, he can’t find it in himself to hold your gaze. “I’m okay.” 

“I was saying I don’t think I have any clothes for you to change into.” You remind him after it felt like you were talking to a brick wall a minute earlier. 

Remus pushes his hands into the rough material of his black jeans. He doesn’t see himself sleeping in anything else. “That’s okay.” 

“You’re not going to sleep in those are you?” 

What else would he sleep in if you have no other clothes? “Uh.” 

“You wear boxers?” you grin. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” He wishes he was still a little drunker so he could blame his bumbling words on the effects of downing half a bottle of sambuca. Now he’s realising that’s just how he sounds when he’s overwhelmed by you. 

“Sleep in those. I don’t mind.” 

Your confidence, and your confidence only, is how he ends up pantless and under the covers of your bed. He doesn’t feel uncomfortable at all. You have a lovely way of making him feel at ease. He thinks that’s why he likes you so much. 

You smell different than earlier in the night when your shirt tickles his arm. Like fresh face wash and night creams, and maybe even roses. He’d hate to think of what he smelt like in comparison to you. Probably still like beer, and maybe like sweat. He should’ve asked if he could’ve showered. That might’ve been too much, he’s definitely overthinking. 

“You’re very quiet,” you say into the dimness of your room. He’s lucky your bedside lamp is so muted, lest you see the goosebumps raised over his skin and how his cheeks haven’t returned to their normal colour since he crossed the threshold of your room. 

“M’thinking,” he returns, just as quiet. It feels wrong to disturb the calmness blanketing the room. 

“I can tell.” He can hear you grin, “What about?” 

He swallows and he wouldn’t be surprised if you heard it, “You.” 

You huff a small laugh and push down into the pillow behind you, “Me?” Your voice is a little strained, and not louder than before. Maybe even quieter. 

“Yeah. Thinking about the next time I’ll get to see you.” 

“You haven’t even left yet and you’re thinking ahead to the next time we’ll see each other,” you tease, getting comfortable underneath your plush quilt and sheets. Probably too much for a summer night but there’s still a chill in the air, flowing through your open window. 

“I’m just hoping I won’t be so drunk,” he admits, hating how he still actually does sound drunk. 

“Hopefully,” you smile, “But that’s okay, we can blame it on James.” 

“If only I wasn’t so shit at poker,” he laughs in a strained and animated voice, trying to hold back a yawn. 

He finally gets comfortable, hands fisting the sheets around his body and head balancing restfully against the plush of your ivory pillows. 

You can see his eyes flutter in an attempt to stay awake. You think it’s endearing but you also think he needs to sleep. “Remus,” you say, firm but caring at once. 

“Hmm?” he mumbles, eyebrows pinched. 

“You should sleep.” You push itchy locks away from his forehead and he sighs at the caring touch of your fingers. 

“Don’t wanna.” He scrunches his nose, “I think I’m finally sobering up. Wanna talk t’you.” 

You smile at his absolute urgency and think he’s adorable. Truly. “Please, sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.” 

“You’ll be here?” This, you actually laugh at. 

“Of course, Remus. You’re in my room.” 

He closes his eyes, eyelashes kissing the freckles of his cheeks and his tired, darkened skin, “M’kay.”

When you wake up in the morning, almost midday, Remus plagued by the effects of alcohol, you too content to wake whilst being next to him, you both have separate texts from Sirius. 

Your own chat log reads, aren’t U glad you came out? You don’t reply, not wanting to encourage him in any way. 

Remus’s phone, on the other hand, reads, 

uncle pads has a ring to it don’t you think? xxxx

He does in fact reply, too used to Sirius being a twat. 

Nothing happened. Ur disgusting and I hate you. 

what do U mean nothing happened? 

I was drunk. She helped me basically stumble home. 

U both stumbled. in her sheets. 

Fuck off. Idiot. 

Neither of you mention any of Sirius’s messages to each other the entire morning. Too busy enjoying each other's company. 

-

The week spent after Remus had drunkenly stayed the night, you could pleasantly, though maybe even with a smidge of embarrassment, admit that he was all you thought about since. 

It was a new feeling. You’d never felt it before. The endearment, but also the nerves, of realising you actually like someone. Some days it made your cheeks ache from smiling, and filled your chest with warmth. On other days, the warmth cracked your chest open, an aching chasm pleading to be filled and a head clouded with apprehension.

You were eager and scared all at once. But you were happy either way because Remus made you feel things. Good things. 

You had spent the morning, forcing him to eat something, telling him it would make his hangover feel much better. He’d argued for no longer than two minutes before agreeing. Saying, who am I to argue with a girl like you?

“Like me?” you’d replied, mouth full of half-eaten pancake, pushing his own plate across the marble of your kitchen bar. 

“Smart,” he smiled, picking at a blueberry, “Pretty.” 

And after it was your turn to babble like a fool, he’d eased you open. Asked you about the record collection in your room (he was proud of himself for remembering). You’d rambled off your favourite artists, a lot similar, and he knew he’d be an idiot if he didn’t give you his number before he left. 

And he did. Wrote his number on your hand as you stood at your doorway and he thanked you for breakfast. And for walking him home, drunk. You kissed his cheek and watched him press his fingers into his skin until he rounded the corner. 

You wrote the number down on a piece of paper, magnetising it to your fridge as soon as you shut the door. Though your hands were sweaty - obviously because you were around Remus - and the last number had smudged. Was it a 3? Or an 8? Or a weird looking 5? You couldn’t tell and told yourself that was a problem you could deal with later.

It was later. A whole week later and you still hadn’t called him. If it was due to your nerves or the fact you had a missing number, that was your business only. You left the last space blank, the empty spot a blinding reminder of your stupidity. You’d just have to try every number until you found Remus. It would take no more than ten attempts.

Numbers zero through four were all wrong numbers. You were only met with a piercing tone before the line went dead. When you got to five, you were met with, what sounded like, a grumpy old lady. You tried to hang up straight away, well aware it wasn’t him, but she screeched and persisted that if she had a prank call one more time, she would phone the police!

Turns out, it was a 6 after all. The lovely tone of Remus’s voice rings down the line and you sigh in relief.

“It’s you.” Your voice is airy and Remus isn't sure he knows who it is. 

There are only a handful of people who have his number. His friends, most of them called and checked in regularly, except Mary, who's always one to stop by instead. His parents and his neighbour had it too. But he seriously doubted the latter, unless his flat had been ransacked. 

And then he remembers he'd given it to you and he laughs. All these thoughts happen within the span of two seconds. He hopes it's you, he's been anticipating a call all week. He was beginning to maybe think you didn’t actually want to hear from him. That he'd embarrassed himself in his drunken stupor. But then he remembered how nice you were to him.

You’ll make yourself sick.

“It is?” he laughs, still hoping it is in fact you. The image of his flat turned upside down, the spot on his mantle where his small TV is, now empty, flashes across his mind.

“Remus. It’s me!” you chirp and he pushes his phone closer to his ear as if it’ll make him hear your pretty voice even clearer.

”Me? I don’t think I know any me’s” he teases, fighting back an eager smile. Teasing you could be fun. Could become a constant. He’s imagining the warmth of your cheeks, and hopefully a small smile.

“Y/N,” you correct and he can almost hear the roll of your eyes. 

“Oh. I know an Y/N,” he smiles, leaning against the lip of his kitchen bench. “She’s very pretty,” he pauses, wanting to drag it out, “and she’s super-”

“Remus,” you plead. Half wanting him to continue, half wanting him to stop to save your phone splitting in half where you’re holding it too hard. “Stop.”

Hearing your smile isn’t enough for him, “Super cool. Actually probably way too cool for me and…”

Remus sighs, very happy with himself.

“You done?” you ask. 

“Maybe.”

“You’re a nuisance.”

Remus decides to not argue, you’re half right anyways. “I’m sorry. What’s up?”

You pause, thinking. You’ve forgotten why you called him for a moment. Too happy with just listening to him talk. You think you could do it all day if he let you. “I was wondering if you were coming out tonight? Drinks?” You feel silly asking now. It was drinks for James, he’d gotten a promotion, but of course, Remus is coming, they're best friends.

“Are you?”

You grin, “Yes. Yeah, I am.”

“Great. Me too.”

The excitement you feel when you know you’ll be seeing him again is palpable. Giddiness mixed with a number of nerves is always there whenever you think of him. He makes you feel like a schoolgirl again and you know he’ll be the cause of your undoing.

“Great.” 

A face-splitting smile erupts across Remus’s features. If only you could see each other.

-

The amount of time you spend getting ready in the afternoon for James’s get-together is silly. After what's an almost stupid amount of time rustling through your closet to find something, the final thing you settle on you hope isn��t stupid. A red skirt that ends mid-thigh, a white tee and a leather jacket. Boots that you hope actually do your legs justice, not just how they look in the mirror.

You know exactly why you're making such a fuss with your appearance. Spending an extra amount of time making sure loose hairs are sprayed down and a fresh coat of nail polish that's applied probably a little too late before you make your way out your front door.

You think that maybe if you didn’t know if Remus was attending or not it'd be a lot easier on you. Or maybe worse. God, you're a mess. You just really want to make him like you.

Arriving at the pub a little early is probably a bad idea in the long run. You greet James and Lily with equal delight. You hadn’t seen them since his shindig at least two weeks ago. Sirius, pint in hand, greets you loud enough to let the entire pub know of your arrival. Frank and Alice are absent. In-laws. You feel as though you had finally found the perfect group of friends.

James had told you that Remus was probably going to be late.

Which gives you too much time to down an inappropriate number of vodka-cranberries, much to Sirius’s delight. Pressed into a corner booth, settled next to James and Sirius who have now also transitioned to fruity drinks.

When Remus finally arrives, the sun now set, you're at least five cocktails deep. The pub is a little loud now, though you’d never struggle to hear any of your rambunctious friends. They're probably half the noise. You're a giggling mess, warm from the effects of alcohol. You feel ridiculously happy like you expected to, but you haven’t even seen Remus yet.

When you sip back the last dregs of your drink, the rim pressed into your nose, determined not to waste a single drop, your eyes finally settle on Remus who's selfishly been admiring you from afar. Your eyes light up like a delighted puppy and he has to bite his tongue to stop himself from smiling like an idiot.

He walks to the edge of the table, wet and sticky wood pressing into his jeans and he grimaces. “Finally he arrives,” James cheers, mojito raised in the air.

“Moony! Looking as ravishing as ever, my boy!” Sirius cheers with equal flare.

Remus ignores both of them with a tiny smile, too used to their words it’s like second nature to ignore them. “Sweetheart,” he smiles at you and you light up even more.

“Remus! You’re here.”

Sirius gets up and slides along the wall to make room for Remus next to you, “He looks ravishing, wouldn’t you say, Y/N? Good enough to eat,” he repeats

“I am hungry,” you admit with a giggle as Remus settles down next to you, only enough room for a sheet of paper to fit between your thighs.

“Having a good time, lovely?” Remus gestures to the empty glasses taking up the table in front of you. Your lips are stained red and he has to lick his own.

“Amazing!” You lean into his side and your hair tickles his neck. Your warmth seeps through Remus’s skin and he doesn’t have a single problem with how close the two of you are sitting. He’d be kidding himself if he said he did.

“I’m glad,” he says, hands settling atop the table.

“Are you?” You blink, eyes bright and welcoming. He has to avert his attention to your nose instead. Feeling as if you’d swallow him whole.

“I am now,” he grins.

Distracted, the half-empty glass in your hands spills when you twist its stem a little too quickly. A puddle of cosmo seeps into the half-polished tabletop and you cringe.

“Oops.” Quick to act, despite how sapped you feel from the cocktails, you grab a too-big handful of napkins from the dispenser in front of you.

With little to no flare, you push the entire pile of paper into the split drink and probably make it worse. The napkins almost turn to pink sludge and you only spread the drink further. A cold, sticky mess.

Remus laughs and grabs your wrists, pulling them up from the mess, “What have you done, hmm?” He puts your hands in your lap and you slouch, defeated.

“Accident,” you huff. You watch Remus’s hands swipe across the table, much better at cleaning up your mess. Like it wasn’t even there in the first place. 

Upset that your drink is now empty, when Sirius isn’t looking, too distracted talking quidditch with James, you reach forward and snatch his mojito. Cheering internally, too happy with yourself, you sip slowly.

“He won’t be too happy with that,” Remus laughs, pushing the serviettes to the side. 

You shrug, pushing further into the leather of the booth seat, “Accident.” you repeat.

Remus chuckles. You scull back the last of Sirius’s drink and Remus braces his hand on the skin between your shoulder blades, with a gentle “Take it easy,” 

You turn to him and wipe the line of drink from your chin with the back of your hand. Smiling before gently slamming the now-empty glass back to the table, a ring of condensation splashes across your palm. 

You wipe it across Remus’s leg unthinkingly and he wrinkles his nose. A dark stripe up his thigh. He takes your hand by the wrist again and grabs another napkin. Dabbing your palm gently and you act unaffected by his attentions when you trace the water on the table with your free hand.

“Am I the one who’s going to be doing the babysitting, tonight?” Remus counts the glasses that hadn’t been collected yet. Five. Six, now counting the one you stole.

You nod, gleefully.

“Saves me, then.” Lily takes another swig from her Pimm's, very happy. James presses into her side and throws his head back. 

“Merlin, I’m tired.” he huffs.

“Boo. No fun,” you pout, eyeing only his third drink that he hadn’t touched in way too long, “You drink too slowly, that’s your problem.” 

He snorts, “I don’t have the drinking problems, lovely.” 

You gasp, hand to your chest, sticky fingers pressing into your skin, “Just because I’m having fun!” 

You notice the beginnings of a frown across Sirius’s face, clocking the glass in front of you, green to your past pink drinks, “You little sneak.”

You pout, “Okay, I’m sorry, let me get the next round.” You move to stand and when you’re upright, the room spins. You grab Remus’s shoulder for purchase and he grabs your forearm. His grip is grounding, flesh between his slender fingers.

“Okay, let me get the drinks,” he says, standing. The love-hate relationship you have with his height hurts sometimes.

“No, let me.” You rummage through the purse over your shoulder, through sickles and spare tampons, and pull out a measly fiver. You hold it up to him with a frown, paper crumpled in your hand.

Remus chuckles and places his hands on your shoulders, “Sit.”

You do what he says and ignore the warmth in the pit of your belly.

As Remus stands at the bar to wait for the drinks, he turns to watch you with a content smile on his face and a warmth spreading up his chest until it begs to swatch his cheeks. He watches as you cover your face with your hands, giggling madly at something James is telling you. 

He thinks his heart is messing with him when it skips in his chest. When you throw your head back, neck bared and your eyes squinted, your shoulders raise like it’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard (it could be but he doubts it), he thinks his heart has an actual fault. Almost halting completely when your eyes meet his and he thinks he’s been caught, but you smile contently and he has to look away before it jumps out his throat. 

He knows he’s truly done for.

He returns with a tray of drinks, mojito’s for his friends and a pint for himself, a packet of crisps pinched between his teeth. If he doesn’t choose to drink cocktails with everyone else because he wants to be sober to keep his eye on you, that’s completely his business. 

He places the drinks down, a hum of thank yous and cheers follow, he opens his mouth to let the crisps fall into your lap. You startle and look up at him, bemused.

“You said you were hungry.” He smiles.

You beam, hiccuping what he thinks is thanks.

“Where’s my fuckin food?” Sirius calls, voice very clear above the din of the pub. He throws a cube of ice at Remus and misses.

“Up your ass.” 

Sirius goes to reach for a crisp and you clutch the foil bag close to your chest. He doesn’t try again, thinking you might bite him. “Fuck, I need a cig.” 

He stands and stops Remus from sitting as he climbs over you. Squeezing past with almost zero care. You laugh, he seems hangry.

When he almost steps on your toe, “Look out, you prat.” Remus scolds.

“C’mon. Outside.” Sirius drags him away before he can even protest.

-

“You gonna ask her out, or what?” Sirus leans against the wall of the smoking area and flicks his ash.

Remus groans, “Don’t say it like it's easy or some shit.”

“Is it not?” Sirius laughs like it’s obvious. Remus envies his natural charm some days. He wished it came easy to him.

“No. She doesn’t like me like that.” Remus toes the gravel beneath his boot with a crunch. Watches as it skips across the ground and to the firepit. A distraction from the scolding that he’s expecting he’s about to get from Sirius.

Sirius coughs on a thick exhale of smoke, pushes himself off the wall. “You’re fucking with me, right?”

“What? No.” In some delusional, fucked up way, no, Remus is fucking with Sirius. Not since 7th year, anyways.

“She's mad about you,” Sirius laughs around the filter of his cigarette, “It’s sickening really. I mean she’s gotta be half dumb or something.” After another exhale he flicks more ash to the ground.

“Fuck up.”

“Whatever.”

There’s a beat before Remus says, “She doesn’t feel that way about me.” His head rests against the red brick behind him and wishes it would swallow him up. He wishes this was easier.

“What, you think she wears her best red skirt for people she doesn’t love?”

He lifts his head and glares at Sirius, “You really are a fucking twat, you know?” He steals the cigarette from between Sirius’s fingers and ignores his grunt as he inhales deeply. As deep as he can until Sirius swats his hand.

“I’m fucking kidding.” He takes it back, grimacing at the butt of what’s left.

“Still a twat,” Remus grunts.

Sirius flicks the orange filter to the ground and squashes it under his leather boot. “Seriously, Moons. Make a move already, it’s starting to get sad.”

He sighs, and Sirius almost wants to slap some sense into him. He doesn’t, remembering how he’d reacted last time he did. “I can’t. I’m not ruining anything.”

He decides to pat his shoulder instead, a gentler approach, “You’re a miserable sap.” He squeezes his sad friend, “She likes you, a lot, and she’s really good for you, y’know?”

“She is, isn’t she?” Remus sighs, lovelorn and dizzy, “Fuck, she’s so amazing. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Have you seen her when she laughs? Fuck sakes.” He has to stop himself before he rants too much.

The both of them start to make their way back into the pub. “Alright, put your fucking cock away.”

Remus opens the door to the bar, “Get inside,” he laughs.

“If you don’t make a move soon, fuck I might.” Remus’s face goes slack and he pushes his dickhead of a friend towards their table with a little too much force. He stumbles with a hearty chuckle.

Left alone in the middle of the bar, a little incensed, he turns to look around and spots what looks like your aforementioned red skirt, standing in front of the claw machine. 

Bemused, but more intrigued, he beelines for you with slow strides. When he stands behind you he places his hand to your shoulder. You turn around and smile warmly. You’re standing, more like swaying, with both hands inside your purse.

“What are you doing, dove?” he asks and squeezes your shoulder. You push back into him, probably for the stability you lack. He braces you with his thigh behind yours.

“You smell like a chimney.” You wrinkle your nose and he laughs. It reverberates through your chest and you have to blink away the way it makes you feel. Sleepy.

“Sirius is a horrible influence,” he says with an equally wrinkled nose. 

“I’m looking for a coin,” you answer his question, looking back down into your purse. “Want to win you something.” Remus’s heart swells tenfold.

Before he can pull one from his pocket as an offering, you bend over and tip your entire purse to the paisley carpet, contents spilling everywhere. Wizard money, bright pink tampons, chapsticks and gum wrappers sit in a pile and Remus steps back with a disgruntled sigh.

You turn and crouch down to sort through everything, Remus looks down and gawps for a second. Half amused, half displeased. He bends down with you and helps as well.

“Do you think it'll take sickles?” you question, moving bandaids to the side. It’s looking like a lost cause.

Remus shakes his head with a laugh, “I don’t think so, honey.” 

You frown. 

“Here,” He handles a few items and places them in your purse, “I’ll help you clean this up and I’ll win you something, hm?” Remus thinks you’re a bit like Mary Poppins with how much stuff you have. He’d say this to you because you probably would understand the muggle reference, but you seem too upset over your lack of coins. 

“Was gonna win you some chocolate,” you laugh, picking up more stuff. 

The last few items fall back in with little organisation and he stands. You take his outstretched hands and let him gently tug you back up with a ruffle of your hair.

He pulls a coin from his pocket and slots it into the machine. You stand around to the side with your hands pressed to the glass like a little kid. The flow of colours washes you fluorescent as you point to a cherry ripe in a perfect spot.

He grips the joystick and moves it to where he thinks it hovers right above it.

“More to the left,” you say with your finger smooshed against the machine.

“You’re drunk,” he says before he pushes the red button on top of the stick, not moving it to where you’d said.

You laugh as it doesn’t even graze the chocolate. Claw coming back up with nothing. “Whatever.” He has two more chances at grabbing it and he’s determined.

The second time he does listen to you but still misses by the width of a hair. You both hold your breath as the claw gets lowered for the final time. You bend over to get a better view and watch as it gets picked up, not cheering until it gets dropped in the chute.

You clap as Remus cheers, taking the chocolate thankfully, opening it immediately with a crinkle of red foil. “Thank you, Remus.”

“Anytime.”

You break the chocolate in half and offer him the bigger portion. You both stand there, chewing on cherry and coconut and chocolate. You look at your sticky fingers and the worst of the after-effects of six cocktails suddenly hits you in a wave of nausea. Not enough to make you want to throw up, but enough for you to groan and grab your stomach.

“I think I should go home,” you whine, placing your half of the chocolate back into the wrapper and into your purse, probably just to melt and make a mess. A later problem, you think.

“Feeling okay?” he asks, turning to check you over. Etebrows pinched in concern already.

“I think I had too many cocktails,” you laugh, weakly at that.

“How are you getting home?” he asks.

You laugh, having flashbacks to your last encounter. “That’s my line.” 

“It’s a good one.”

“I don’t know how I’m getting home,” you say.

“I’ll call you a taxi.”

You sigh, “That’d be lovely.”

-

After saying goodbye to the rest of the group, after they’d moaned about your fifteen-minute disappearance with Remus, Thought you’d gotten stuck in the cubicle! James had laughed. Drunkenly, you’d missed the joke. Remus had smacked him up the back of the head. But now, the both of you were making your way to the front entrance.

Remus has to drag you out the door, holding you upright as you stammer and trip on things that aren't there.

“Be careful,” he tuts, holding you closer under his arm. 

“There was a frog!” you explain, very much exasperated.

“No there wasn’t,” he laughs.

“Was so!” you strain, fisting his shirt behind his back, sure to stretch the cotton.

“You just want me to hold you tighter.” He’s smug when he says it and can’t really help it. He has Sirius’s words ringing in the back of his head. 

You stop at the gutter and kick a stone with your boot, “Maybe.”

Your knees ache, wanting nothing more than to crouch down to the ground. You think it would probably be a bad idea. Though with sore knees and a spinning head, bad ideas turned to the best. 

You pull yourself from Remus' hold and bend your legs to crouch in the gutter. Remus’s eyes blow wide and he looks down at you. Not again, he thinks.

Before he can ask what you’re doing, thinking you've passed out, you look up, “Head rush,” you giggle with a huff of air. He sits down next to you, knees almost pressed into his chin. 

Remus tugs your knee so you turn towards him, legs pressed together. He keeps his large palm over your thigh because being crouched in a gutter leaves little to the imagination to the drunks walking past and he’s not going to ask you to get up if you’re dizzy. 

“You okay?” he murmurs. 

You rest your head on his shoulder much like he had the last time you saw him. He hopes he had more care than you do with your cheek cruelly smooshed into his skin. “I’m just a little drunk.” 

Lucky for Remus, before he thinks you’re about to fall asleep on his shoulder, your taxi is pulling up. He helps you stand, opens the back door and ushers you in. 

Listening to your murmur of thanks Remus before he clicks you in. 

“What’s your address, dove? So I can tell the driver.” You give him your address and he passes it off. 

Before he can close the door for you, you grab his wrist. 

“When can I see you next?” you ask brightly. Hopefully. 

“Call me when you’re not hungover,” he laughs, brushing his fingers across your arm. Your grip hardens. 

“You’ll answer?” He almost laughs again at how drunk you sound. Of course, he’ll answer. 

“Of course, sweetheart.” 

You lean across your seat, seatbelt pulling taut as you press a kiss to his cheek. Warm and buttery-soft just like last time, but maybe even worse now that his feelings for you are stronger. It burns. 

“Thank you, Remus.” 

“That’s okay, lovely.” 

-

You in fact did call Remus, a couple of days after your night out. Expected, you were hungover so you waited a day after to talk. 

Remus hadn’t really been expecting you to call him, despite how eager you seemed, he had talked himself out of believing you had any feelings for him. Like he’d imagined it or something. 

So, when his phone rings, he’s not expecting it to be you at all. He answers with a sigh, thinking it’s James or Sirius. 

“What do you want?” His voice is void of any excitement or joy you’d been selfishly expecting. You were also expecting a more welcoming greeting. 

“Remus?” you say, and his hand stills in his cupboard where he’s distractedly putting clean dishes away. 

He shuts the cupboard’s door a little too abruptly and cringes, clears his throat so he can speak, “Y/N! Shit, sorry. Hey.” He cringes even more at his stupidity. 

“Expecting someone else?” you laugh. 

He nods like you can see him, “Yeah, sorry.” He swallows and tries to fix himself, “How are you?” 

“I’m good,” you say with a little sigh, “Really, really good.” 

“That’s great!” 

“Yeah, how are you?” you question. 

Remus’s voice goes quieter, “Amazing.” Then there’s a small beat like you’re both thinking, “So, what’s up? Everything okay?” 

In his mind, his stupid, paranoid mind, there’s a possibility that all you’ve done is pocket-dialled him. Or, accidentally pressed his name in your contacts, maybe mistaken the name Moony for Mum. 

Is his name Moony in your phone? Or is it just Sirius’s friend? God, he wants his thoughts to shut up. 

“I wanted to ask you something!” When it sounds like you actually want to talk to him, what almost feels like relief washes over him. Paints him bright as he settles on his sofa, beaming like a schoolboy when he says, 

“Oh, yeah?” 

“Yeah!” Your excitement is dizzying. “Are you free this weekend?” 

He has to swallow before he speaks, eagerness bleeds through his skin. His foot taps and he picks at a loose thread on his battered shirt.  “Yeah, I am.” 

You chirp a happy noise, “Awesome! Cool. Um, there’s that gig on at The Red Lion if you wanted to come?”

Remus doesn’t see himself as a cool person and it definitely doesn’t show when he says, “Yeah! I’d love to.” in a tone pitched higher than normal. 

“Great. I think Sirius is coming too, I told him about it the other day and said he should invite the others. I wasn’t sure if he had asked you yet.” 

Oh. 

Remus feels like the biggest idiot ever. You weren’t asking him out, why would you? 

He leans down between his legs until all the air is forced from his lungs, he covers the receiver with his hand and groans, long and suffering in self-pity. 

Is coughing to clear your throat and hide your disappointment a good thing? Because his voice is a little squeaky when he replies. When he sits back up his head spins. “Sounds great.” 

He hears some shuffling on the end of your line before you say, “Amazing. I’ll see you then. Sorry, gotta go. Bye Remus!” 

“Bye, sweetheart.” 

Remus has about thirty seconds of wallowing in self-pity before his phone is ringing again. He wants to shove it in between his sofa cushions and forget about everything. But he sees Sirius' name flash up on the screen so he answers. 

“Moony!” Sirius’s voice pierces the phone line and Remus cringes. “Remus, my good friend.”

“Did you just get lucky or something?” Remus gruffs. 

“Huh?” 

“You’re too happy. Calm it down.” 

Sirius groans, “You’re so content with being miserable, Remus. Just because you can’t get your dick wet.” 

Remus wished his stupid friend could see the displeasure on his face, “What do you want?” 

“You’re free this weekend, aren’t you?” He questions and Remus hums a yes, expecting to hear the exact same question you had just asked him only three minutes ago. 

“Well, you, me, the gang, and a few pints at The Red Lion. Sounds like a plan?” Remus detests his friend's happiness. Or envies it. He feels miserable and doesn’t think Sirius is deserving of his lack of enthusiasm just because you didn’t ask him out. 

“Yeah, Y/N already asked me,” he replies. 

“Well, don’t get too excited.” Sirius huffs a laugh. 

“No, sorry. It’s just I thought she- never mind. Sounds good.” 

“Awesome. I’ll send you the deets.” 

Remus almost laughs, “The deets? Wait until I tell Marls you talk like that.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Bye, Sirius.” 

Sirius hangs up before he can. 

-

Remus spots you before you do, again. Watches where you lean against the bar on your tip-toes, talking to the bartender about something. He’s making you laugh and he feels the stupid need that it should be him instead. 

He does what he always does; walks up behind you and presses his shoulder into your back. You chirp and turn around. Then, your eyes do that thing that they always do that makes him bite the inside of his cheek. They squint, confused, and then light up when you realise who you’re looking at. Remus could swear that they sparkle, but that’s just something he imagines in his lovesick head. 

“Remus!” You smile, mouth upturning until the apples of your cheeks swell. You wrap your fingers around his bicep and pull him into your side. He lets you, willingly. 

“Y/N,” he says probably a little too quietly for the setting. The pub is starting to fill quickly while the band does sound check, the general hubbub of the patrons mixes in with the strumming of guitars and the feedback from the mics. 

“You’re all wet,” you giggle, pressing your fingers into the underside of his arm. 

“Yeah, it’s starting to rain out there,” he says. 

“You walked?” You frown, pulling your hands from his arm. He can still feel where your fingers were wrapped. A burn against his wet skin. 

“From the bus stop.” 

“You know there’s this thing wizards can do, I’m not sure if you heard of it. It’s called disapparition,” you quirk, mouth upturning into a teasing smile.

Amused, Remus says, “I don’t usually like muggles to watch someone appear out of thin air.”

You reach forward to grab some napkins from the dispenser on the bar, probably too many. “I would’ve picked you up,” you say matter-of-factly.

He doesn’t reply, just stops still when you reach up to brush away the damp hair from his eyes. There’s water bunching in his hair and falling in tiny beads down his face, over his top lip. You laugh when he licks it away before you dab across his forehead and then his cheeks. 

“I missed you,” you say, bunching the paper into a ball. 

Remus smiles, too hard he thinks. “You saw me last weekend.” 

You think he might be teasing you, though you’re not sure. You feel like you’ve overstepped. Demure, your eyes widen at your error. “Sorry,” you laugh, airy and quiet. 

Remus pokes you in your side, “I missed you too,” he laughs. 

You nod your head and bite your lip. You feel eased. But embarrassed in the first place. Scrunching the ball of damp napkins in your hands until it pinches. Still, you’re overjoyed. 

“What are you drinking?” you ask, splaying your hands over the bar, leaning where it comes up to your chest. You try to ignore everything. The way Remus is making you feel, the busy pub that’s teeming with rowdy people. 

“Not sure,” he quirks, eyeing the taps at the end of the bar. “What about you?” 

“I think I might just stick to squash,” you laugh knowingly. 

“You’re on it tonight,” Remus laughs, splaying his fingers around your shoulder. 

“I’m not having any repeats of last week.” 

“Damn,” he pouts, “Drunk Y/N is cute.” 

You warm, “Drunk Y/N is messy.” 

He squeezes you, a funny pinch. “I think you can be both.” 

You lean into his side while he orders your drinks. His hand doesn’t move and you don’t want it to. It’s warm and grounding and feels too good to be true. How touchy he is and how you love it. You imagine a world where he doesn’t just touch your shoulder. Imagining what he’d do if you were together. How ruining he would be. 

Distracted by his grip on your arm, before you can even reach into your purse to grab your money, he’s paid. 

“Remus,” you scold, pushing yourself off the bar. 

“Dove,” he smiles, placating. He grabs both of your drinks, in one hand, fingers twisting. The other snakes down to grab your hand to guide you through the crowd of people. 

“Stop paying for my drinks.” Someone bumps into you and Remus digs his elbow into your side to stop you from tripping. You smile thankfully. 

You let him weave you through patrons, your hand flexing around his until you get to your table. Once you've sat down, he says, “Sorry, didn’t think a fiver would cover it.” 

Faux scolding, you shove his arm. “I have more money on me this time.” 

“Good,” Sirius pipes up, “you can buy me that cocktail you owe me.” 

“I’m sorry, Sirius.” You act like it genuinely does upset you. Though the thought of how you acted when you were drunk last week, is worse. “I’m a really annoying drunk.”

“Sirius is being dramatic,” Remus sighs, leaning back against the booth. He throws an arm behind you, pressing it up against the wall. You stay sitting forward, not sure if it’d be too much to lean into him. Despite him making the first move. “You got your cocktail.”

“Yeah, you bought it,” Sirius faux scoffs. It’s hard to believe that he actually cares about a stolen mojito, easier to believe he’s determined to tease you until you die. “Doesn’t count.”

“I’ll buy you a cocktail if you really want me to, Sirius,” you lilt, happy to get him to shut up. It works when Remus shoots him a look you don’t understand. Sirius bites his tongue and sits back in his seat. 

By the time James and Lily get back from the bar, the band has started their set and you’ve had enough time to think too much on whether or not you should lean into Remus’s side. His weight behind you feels like a magnet. The more you want to pull away the stronger the urge is to just give up and fall against him. 

Much like everything is with Remus. The more you allow yourself to think you really do like him, the harder it is to keep to your regular ways. You’ve never allowed yourself to be so openly affectionate and loving towards someone without second-guessing every single thing you do.

Not that you don’t. Every time you speak to him, touch his arm for too long or allow yourself to wrap your own arm around his back, there’s that voice in the back of your head that’s screaming at you. Telling you that you’ve let your guard down too much for a boy you’re not even sure likes you as much as you do him and you’ve embarrassed yourself.

It’s totally overwhelming and constantly feels like a back-and-forth battle. Because, sure, it's no secret anymore to anyone who isn't Remus, that you like him. You just wished it were easier.

As if he can hear your head reeling, or he’s just noticed how quiet you’ve suddenly become, he nudges your leg where it’s crossed with his own jean-clad one.

“You okay?” he asks. His face is soft. Too soft for your dismissive and relentless thoughts to ebb. It’s suddenly painful to even be looking at him and you’ve only been around him for no less than twenty minutes. He’s always had that ability.

The nod you give him is unconvincing and your smile is even worse. His eyes flicker and you open your mouth to speak before he can, “Yeah, jus’ thinking.”

“I can tell.” 

“You can?”

You chance another look back at him and regret it instantly when he’s smiling like he knows something you don’t. “Yeah.” He nods, “You’re making that face you always do when something’s eating at you.”

Hating being read for filth, you turn to take a sip from your drink, filling your mouth with your straw lest you say something stupid. You drink it too quickly, and once it’s down to its last dregs, your head aches. Brain freeze. You squeeze your eyes shut and try to distract yourself when you say, “What face?”

“Your lips part and your eyebrows pinch. Sometimes I have to double-check you’re not crying.” Remus is a lovely, horribly attentive boy. And if he keeps saying things like that, things that let you know he does actually pay attention to you, you’re not going to last. When you said you wondered how ruining he would be, this isn’t what you had in mind.

Remus says something to you again, but you don’t catch it. The band transitions into a much louder song and his words fall on deaf ears. You do, however, catch the look he shares with Sirius again over your shoulder. 

Confused, you suddenly think fresh air would be better than to pain yourself through whatever’s happening around you. “I’ll go get that mojito,” you mumble.

You weave yourself over Remus’s lap, careful where your shoes and hands land, careful to also ignore where he stables you with his own hand on the back of your knee. You try to make it discrete as you beeline for the bar, taking a small turn to head for the back doors.

The warm air cast from the setting sun slowly dwindles away and you cross your arms over your body, leaning against the railing to the left of the smoking area. When the door shuts behind you, the music from inside slowly dies down and you’re grateful to be the only one out here. 

The fear you have been feeling throughout your entire friendship with Remus does its best to claw its way up your throat. Makes your breathing staggered and your palms itch. You suspect if you spent any more time with him inside you would’ve only embarrassed yourself more than you feel like you already have. Best you do it out here instead.

The muffled music slowly grows louder when you hear the door open and you pay it no mind. Not until there’s a hand on your shoulder. You flinch and turn around, pushing yourself against the railing.

“Shit, sorry. Just me,” Remus smiles, pulling his hand from your shoulder.

“Remus,” you breathe, hand to your chest, “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” he frowns.

You pause. Trust him to notice your departure. You hope he doesn’t ask you any questions, you don’t expect yourself to hold anything in anymore if he soothes you over.

“You okay?”

Fuck sakes.

“Um, yeah.” You nod. Remus moves to your side, arm pressed up against the railing and you follow him. Turning so you’re face to face.

“You sure? You just kind of up and left.” he laughs weakly, stopping when he notices you don’t join in.

“Sorry,” you apologise.

“What for?” he asks kindly. You once more detest his kindness and his ability to get you to open up.

“I don’t know,” you sigh, leaning further into the railing and it rattles, “I’m being weird.” You’re not opening up like you’d expected, though the words you want to say to him are at the back of your mind, where they were once pushed away, slowly crawling forward. If he keeps looking at you like that, they might spill.

“You’re not.”

“I am. I’m thinking too much and it,” you heave a calming breath. You want to tell him how you feel, not ramble, “it hurts.”

“Hey,” He traces a line over the hinge of your elbow, “what’s going on in that head of yours, hm? Care to let me in?”

You swallow, “That’s the problem. I can’t find the words.”

“That’s okay.” He squeezes your arm, “Take your time.”

His gaze is soft though it still burns where it’s settled over your face, his grip on your arm is worse. Still, it’s grounding. You blink and take a few calming breaths.

The door opens up again and the band’s music spews back outside. It’s the same song that was playing the night you sat on Sirius's couch and you’d freaked about how it was both your favourite. In some cheesy, cliche way, you take it as a sign.

“I’ve never been one for showing, let alone telling someone how I feel about them,” you begin, “I’m not sure if that’s the most obvious thing ever, or if I’ve gotten really good at hiding it but…”

Remus is smiling widely, more smug than anything. It makes you nervous and you advert your gaze to the ground. Over the ash-strained brick tile under your sneakers, “Stop looking at me like that or I won’t be able to finish what I’m trying to tell you,” you sigh.

“Like what?” he asks like he’s oblivious. Like his mouth isn’t now upturned into the slyest smile.

“That!’’ Your face grows warm and you have to press the backs of your hands into them. You can feel the thrumming of your heart in your fingertips.

“Sorry, you were saying,” he chuckles. 

“God, where did you get all this confidence from, Remus?” you ask, a little dazed. Maybe it’s the setting or the fact you’re both finally sober together that brings out a different side of him, though you can’t be sure.

Remus shakes his head, “I’m sorry, you just look so cute when you get flustered.”

Your mouth parts, a shocked, demure gasp slips past them. Gawping, you say, “You’re not drunk, are you?” It’s not the first time he’s said it, but it's the first time it feels different.

“Not this time. For once,” he laughs knowingly.

“Right,” you pause. Taking in a shuddered breath. In what world you would ever expect this to be easy, you’re not sure. You’re also not sure that doing this with Remus makes it easier. Easier, because he makes you feel secure and appropriately worked down to tell him anything; harder because it’s him you have to let your emotions go with. It’s him you have to let know of your heartachingly, sore feelings you have. He can’t just be there on the sidelines guiding you through it.

Remus watches you slip away into your shy, quiet self again. He can almost hear your thoughts reeling, “God, you’re worse than me.”

You giggle nervously, all pitched up and light, “You make me nervous,”

He steps forward and if your eyes weren’t stuck on the ground, you wouldn’t have noticed it. He’s smooth. “Do I now?” He hooks a knuckle under your downwardly pointed chin and gives it a tap.

You look back up, catching his gaze, “I hate you,”

“No you don’t,” he says matter of factly. Like its the most obvious thing ever. You’re sure it is.

“I don’t?” You blink slowly.

He closes the gap between you some more and suddenly you’re overwhelmed by him. The smell of his laundry detergent, something familiar and heady, mixed in with the cologne that you swear follows you home. Where the toe of his boot almost touches your sneaker and where the sleeve of his sweater catches on your bracelet because he’s as close as possible. Though you still think he’s not close enough. 

His voice mixes in with the same song that’s playing inside and you can barely hear him when it builds to a crescendo and he says, “You weren’t about to go on some rant about how you love me?”

“Remus…” you murmur, quieter than the thumping of your heart in your chest,

“No?”

You bite your tongue, but it does nothing to stop you from saying, “God, yes. Just- kiss me, please.”

“What?” he asks, more shocked than you’ve been this entire interaction.

“Kiss me, Remus. Before the song ends.” You lean into him, up on the balls of your feet and pull your hands between your bodies.

Face to face, lips hovering over yours, he murmurs, “You sure?”

“Completely,”

It’s the last thing you say before Remus kisses you so hard, so deep, that you forget how it was even possible to form words in his presence before now. Snakes his arms around your back and holds you so close your shirt rides up until your skin presses into the soft material of his sweater. 

He tastes of stout, a weird mixture against the lemon on your tongue. You can’t find it in you to mind when he hums into your mouth. A desperate, pleading sound that has you squeezing the flesh of his hips. Compared to the reserved and diffident relationship you’ve held with Remus up until now, the kiss you share is nothing alike. It’s passionate and heated. Longing.

The song ends and with a final tug of your bottom lip, he pulls away panting. Eyes skipping over your face, a little glassy and bouncy. “Fuck,” he murmurs.

Tugging on the hem of his sweater, you say, “What?’' with a light chuckle.

“If I…” Remus has to compose himself lest he says something embarrassing. Completely forward. “If I knew kissing you would’ve been like that…I would’ve done it ages ago.”

“I think I’ve wanted you to kiss me for a really long time,” you confess, giddily rocking back and forth on your feet. Canvas sneakers crushing into the ground.

“Yeah?” he hums. Smugness still ever present.

“Yeah.”

“Thoughts on me kissing you again?” he asks, still not letting you go where you’re held against his torso.

You look over his shoulder, “I think if you kiss me again, Sirius’s jaw might fall to the floor.”

Remus turns and spots Sirius and James almost pressed to the glass window. James doesn’t look as pleased, shoving a crumpled note into Sirius's palm. Turning back to face you, he rolls his eyes, “I think they had a bet going.”

“Should we give Sirius his money’s worth?” you giggle.

“I’m going to kiss you. But, not for Sirius.” Remus says, “Only because you look insanely beautiful right now and if I don’t do it again, my brain might go numb.”

“What are you waiting for then?”

“Nothing.”

[chishiyaisasnack]

Shower time

Here’s a fic that I’ve been working on for a good while now and I’m finally content with posting it. It’s sfw even though it’s a shower scene. Mostly fluff (?) and a tiiiiiny but of angst.

Disclaimer! This story is based in the Borderlands and it mentions blood, wounds and trauma from it. It’s not about how they got injured, but more so very mildly describing that they are injured. I consider it sfw but it does contain nudity since they’re taking a shower, but I’m not describing bodyparts or anything. Also, small references to sex just for humor, but there is no smut whatsoever.

Oh, and the reader doesn’t know that Chishiya is a doctor.

I’ve written and am posting on mobile so I’m sorry for any formatting issues.

”I’m going to take a shower.”

With strong steps - actually more like a wobble - you walked into your room at The Beach, Chishiya following close behind you, watching your every movement just in case you would trip over your own feet, like you already had done about 30 times since you left the game area. It had been a rough one and it had left you wounded, exhausted and a bit lethargic. Not to mention the strain it had taken on your mental state, like the games always did, but you had turned off your feelings for now and had only one goal in mind: a long, warm shower to wash off all the remnants of the game.

”No you aren’t, it can wait until tomorrow.” Chishiya sounded like he always did, bored and condescending, but you knew that there was some worry in there somewhere. Otherwise he wouldn’t have bothered to follow you all the way back to your room, offering to catch you when you’d eventually fall.

”I feel gross. I’m covered in … stuff.” Blood. You were covered in blood. You raised your arms to make your point clearer, in case he missed what an absolute mess you were right now.

”Fine. Come on then.” Chishiya sighed, walked around you, and went towards the bathroom while you stood confused, watching him open the door and look back at you before stepping inside.

”Wait, what?” you asked, eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. Why was he joining you?

With slow steps you followed him, wondering if he got the wrong idea. He was gorgeous, but sex was the last thing on your mind, especially shower sex. Didn’t he say that you were in no condition to even take a shower to begin with? You stopped in the doorway and waited for a response.

”You most likely have a concussion, you’re wounded and you’re exhausted. You’re going to collapse by yourself.” He turned on the shower and let the stream of water fall, waiting for it to turn hot.

”Okay, okay, doctor.” The smirk you got back confused you even more. Did he have a thing for being called ’doctor’? It wouldn’t suprise you, he was a mystery. But even him would surely have preferrences. Wait, why were you thinking about sex again?

You shook your head as you walked inside the bathroom, limping past Chishiya as he was making his way out again. Or so you thought. In the corner of your eye you saw him stretch, but it wasn’t until you turned around that you saw what he really was doing.

”Uhh, why are you taking your clothes off?” Your eyes widened as his hoodie hit the floor. He had no shame, appearantly getting naked with you without warning was completely normal in his world.

”I’m getting ready to help you when you realise that I was right. Don’t worry, I won’t join you until you ask me to. Which will be soon, so I’m preparing for that.”

You didn’t know if you should feel thankful or offended by what he said.

Chishiya however, smirked again, cocking an eyebrow at your dumbfounded look. He was enjoying this. While still looking at you he started to pull down his shorts. Your eyes were fixed on the pile of clothes he had created on the floor, which thankfully wasn’t added with more pieces since he decided to keep at least his boxers on. The daring look he had on his face when you turned your eyes back up was annoying. Did he like that you were looking at him? Not that you were looking at him like that anyway. You just wanted to take a shower. Or so you told yourself.

With his shirt and pants off he sat down on the toilet seat, turning around so that he had his back against you and the glass wall of the shower.

”Go ahead” he said, a hint of amusement hiding in his voice. ”I won’t look.”

”You better not” you huffed back at him, watching him carefully while you started to remove your own clothes, ripped apart and stained with blood. Instead of putting them in a pile you threw them straight into the trashcan. Once removed, you looked into the mirror over the sink and you almost gasped at how wounded you actually were. Cuts and bruises covered your arms, legs and back. Patches of your skin were stained red, even your face still had traces of blood left on it. You looked terrible.

Sighing, you stopped studiyng yourself and looked over your shoulder. Chishiya was still sitting with his back against you, shoulders rising and falling slow with every breath, the muscles of his back tensing when he moved. He looked soft. You wondered what he would look like wet.

No! This was not the right time to daydream about Chishiya and his pretty back, his blonde hair that fell in waves over his shoulders, those shoulders that probably would feel great to hold on to while your lips were… Oh, for fucks sake, just get in the shower y/n.

After disrupting yourself from your thoughts you made your way into the shower, closing your eyes as the water started cascading down your body. The glass wall seperating the shower and the rest of the room was conveniently half covered with frosted glass so that it covered most of your body, from your shoulders down to your knees, making you a bit less embarrassed over being naked in the same room as him. Being naked in front of someone when it wasn’t sexual wasn’t your idea of calming, and even though he had no shame, you still had. This was too intimate, too casual. But if it was what it took to take a shower then you’d do it. Even though you didn’t like to admit it you did trust Chishiya to treat you with decency and respect. He might be considered one of the people you shouldn’t trust in the borderlands, a bad person perhaps, but not bad enough to overstep someones boundaries like this.

”Let me know when you need me.” Chishiyas voice rang somewhere in the distance. Not even a ’if you need me’. He was too confident and it just made you even more stubborn. You were definitely able to take a shower by yourself, you were damned to not let him win this one, you told yourself while reaching for the soap. With unsteady hands (no, they absolutely weren’t unsteady because you were tired) you started to scrub the dirt off yourself, one part at a time. You hissed whenever you discovered a new wound you weren’t aware of and eventually the pain from it made you a bit dizzy. No, you could do this.

You clenched your jaw as you continued, slowly moving from head to toe, covering yourself with suds. Finally, everything you could see and feel was gone, so you let the stream of water fall over you once again, closing your eyes, enjoying the warmth that it gave. You felt your muscles relax, your breathing slowing down, your eyelids getting heavier…

”Chishiya…” you mumbled weakly, mad that he was right, again.

”I’m here.” A voice right behind you made you jump. You turned around and swung your fist towards him, ready to punch him out of pure panic, but he caught it before it landed on him. The borderlands had really done a number on you, you were constantly prepared for survival and appearantly even Chishiya was a victim of your anxiety. ”Calm down, it’s just me.”

”How long have you been standing there?!” You wobbled to the side as you tried to fight your bodys urge to fall onto the ground from the sudden movements. Chishiya steadied you by holding your upper arms, and helped you turn back around so that your back was facing him again.

”You moved slower and slower so I was ready when you called for me. I haven’t been standing here ogling.”

”So you have been watching me?” You didn’t even think about the fact that you probably flashed him completely just now. Well, if he saw something he didn’t care about it, which was comforting in this situation.

”Of course. I couldn’t see anything other than your head anyway. It wasn’t quite the show you think it was.” Chishiyas voice was dripping with amusement.

Once again, you didn’t know if you should be thankful or offended.

”Give me the schampoo bottle.” Chishiya asked, or rather commanded, reaching his arm out next to you so you could hand him the bottle. Once he got it you could hear him shake it before opening it and pouring out some of the liquid in his hand, followed by a low thump as he put it on the floor behind you.

Slender fingers moved over your hair, softly massaging it with his fingertips, giving you full body shivers from the way his fingers drew circles between the strands. It felt nice. Safe. You couldn’t help but to close your eyes again and just relish in the warmth radiating from his hands. He was so careful with how he touched you, slow and gentle while he worked his way through all of your hair.

A part of you wished that he would step closer so that you could feel the warmth from his body wrap around you, so that you could lean back and relax in his arms, just enjoying how your body would feel so at ease while being comforted, but you had no idea how to ask him for that without it sounding sexual.

”Shower head, please.”

You did as he asked and handed him the shower head, turning up the water pressure while doing so to make it easier for him to rinse.

”Close your eyes and bend your head backwards. Tell me if you feel dizzy.” Chishiya didn’t sound so stern this time. His words were soft and comforting, asking you to trust him. So you did.

He rinsed your hair in silence. One hand holding the shower head while the other one kept massaging your scalp, making sure to rinse out the schampoo properly. Even though you desperately tried to relax and just enjoy the feeling of being taken care of, you couldn’t stop your emotions from seeping back into your mind. Pictures of the game were flashing before your eyes. People screaming. Fighting. Lasers going off.

”Chishiya…” you whispered, no longer able to stop thinking about what had happend earlier.

”Mhmm..?”

”There was a child there tonight.”

He didn’t answer but you could feel the movements in his hands stiffen as he continued to rinse your scalp free from schampoo.

”I didn’t know that there were children here” you continued, trying to get the thoughts out of your head so you wouldn’t be tormented by them during the night. ”I thought maybe we were sent here to repent or something like that, that we were getting what we deserve. But why would a child deserve this? Even if we are all randomly sent here, without any reason behind why it’s us in particular, why would they choose a child?”

”…I don’t know.” He sounded emtpy when he answered, not that you were expecting his words to be comforting. They rarely were. There was a long pause before he spoke again. ”Did the child make it?”

”Yeah…” A shiver ran trough your body when Chishiya stopped rinsing your hair, already missing the heat from the water. Another thump came from the floor when he put the shower head down. ”Some of us worked together and protected him as much as we could.”

”Do you have conditioner?” he interrupted, sticking his hand out next to you so that you could hand it to him. You placed the bottle in his hand and watched him retrieve it. A click of the bottle cap was followed by another thump when he put it down on the ground. You wondered how many times he must’ve stared at your ass by now.

”Anyway,” you continued, shaking the image of him smirking at your butt away. ”That’s why I look like this. I took the hits for him.”

”That sounds like you.”

You hummed at his words. It was reassuring that you were considered to be a nice person, even in this hellscape.

Gentle fingers threaded through your hair again and you leaned into the touch. It went by faster this time since he didn’t need to scrub, although you wished he would keep doing this for hours. Every time he let go of you - this time to pick up the shower head again - the ache in your body took over, making you tremble ever so slightly even though the steam from the hot water was surrounding you. You were relieved when you felt the water against your back, contently closing your eyes and bending your head back into Chishiyas palm.

”I envy you sometimes.” Chishiya mumbled, so quiet that the sound of the water almost drowned it out.

”You do?”

”I wouldn’t have helped someone else if it meant that I would have to work for it, let alone get hurt from it.” Chishiya paused briefly, like he was choosing his words carefully. ”Especially not a stranger. You didn’t think twice about doing so.”

”I don’t believe that.” You cut him off before he got the chance to put himself down even more. ”You’re better than you think, Chishiya. Just look at what you’re doing for me right now.”

”I’m washing your hair, I’m not saving you from dying.” You could practically hear him rolling his eyes.

”You don’t have to save me from death to help me. This is helping me. Besides, from the sound of your attempts to stop me from showering, I could die in here if you didn’t help me.”

”Maybe I just wanted to see you naked” Chishiya joked with such a monotone voice that anyone else would think he was serious, but you knew better. Well, if he was serious he had gotten his wish - paired with a fist coming at his face.

”Right” you snorted, too tired to laugh. A blush still crept over your cheeks, imagining his eyes on you in that way. ”Keep telling yourself that if that makes you feel better.”

”There” Chishiya ignored your answer and handed you the shower head. Cold air rushed to your skin as the water left it, leaving you almost begging for him to continue. Would it be so bad if you did?

”You can turn off the water now. I’ll get you some towels. Stay there.”

With a pout you put the shower head back into it’s place and turned off the water. Behind you, you could hear how Chishiya was gathering towels from a drawer, his footsteps making their way back over the tiled floor that would be cold and uninviting for your own feet in a second.

”Lift your arms a little.” You did as he asked and lift your arms halfway up, stopping waist high, only to see Chishiyas arms poking out from under them, holding up a towel that you thankfully grabbed a hold on and quickly wrapped around yourself to try to regain some of the warmth that the shower had given you.

”You’re safe to turn around now.”

”Thank you” you quitly replied as you gently spun around, just to be met by a still undressed Chishiya with his own towel hanging around his neck and a soft expression on his face. If you didn’t know better you would think that he was worried about you.

A smaller towel was in one of his hands - which soon landed on your head, covering your face at the same time. Your sour expression that was revealed as you peeled it off made him grin.

”Do you want help to dry it?” He asked, eyes shiny from amusement, and watched as you stubbornly started to squeeze the ends of your hair, too tired to lift your arms up and dry it completely.

”No, I’ll just put the towel over the pillow when I sleep. It’s fine” you replied, following his example and put your own towel over your shoulders. The chill in the air was starting to really get to you, and you decided that you couldn’t get to the bed fast enough. Just thinking about laying down, surrounded by warm covers, maybe even a pair of socks on your feet at first, burying your head on the pillow…

”The wounds on your back looked fine but I still need to cover some of them with bandaids. I need to examine your front too. Let me know when you’ve covered up so that I can check your arms, legs and stomach.”

Ugh, why did he have to interupt your dream about your bed with another naked request? You just wanted to sleep.

”I’m sure I’ll be fine Chishiya” you groaned back at him, slowly (and unsteadily) making your way past him and towards the bed. You could see the light at the end of the tunnel, just a few more steps and you’d reach the doorhandle, that doorhandle that would open the gate and lead you straight towards the nice, warm, fluffy….

You groaned even louder when you felt a hand grip your arm, stopping your weak attempt to get out of the bathroom and keeping you still while Chishiya made his way around you so that he was facing you again. That calm face was back and you didn’t like it.

”Please, Chishiya, just let me sleep” you pleaded but to no avail.

”Come here.” You had no choice but to move after him, not being strong enough to even attempt to break loose from his grip on your arm, that was keeping you somewhat steady as you plopped one foot in front of the other until you reached the end of the bathroom. Then - lo and behold - Chishiya opened the door and led you out into the hotel room, making your way straight towards the bed. Right as he reached the foot of the bed he stopped and slowly turned the two of you around in a circle so that your back was now facing the bed, and then pushed you back so that you fell down on the soft duvet cover with a yelp. It felt like heaven to finally lay down, like a cloud was enveloping you and taking you with it to the land of dreams.

”Where are your underwear?” Chishiya once again interrupted your inner monolouge.

”Why? Wanna see them so badly even though you’ve already seen me naked?” You rolled your eyes and leaned your head to the side so that you could watch him dig around in a dresser until he grabbed the first, best pair of panties he could find and threw them at you.

”Put them on please, unless you want me to examine you naked. I’m fine with either way.”

You just huffed at him, secretly liking the playful look he was giving you. When he turned his back to you, you managed to shuffle around and get your panties on, just to let your legs fall back down onto the bed with a loud thump. God, you were exhausted.

”I’m done, doctor.” Once again, he reacted with a grin and you were now positive that he had some wierd doctor patient kink and that you were so going to make him confess that. A mission for another day.

Chishiya sat down next to your legs and reached over them to pick up a first aid kit you didn’t even know was laying next to you. Was he a wizard too?

You kept still, listening to the opening of packets, a liquid poured onto what you imagined was a cotton ball, and then your own hiss as he touched the first wound on your leg. It wasn’t the liquid that hurt, it was just the tender touch from the gauze he dabbed against your skin that hurt enough to make you wince. He must have started on a bad one.

”Try to keep still” he murmured gently, sounding like he was completely occupied with his task of tormenting you just a bit more before letting you sleep.

You stayed as still as you could, trying to concentrate on his hands and fingers working their way over your legs, dabbing it with the liquid, letting it dry, then putting a compress and some adhesive tape over it like a home made band aid. His touch was so gentle that it was barely there.

Your eyelids turned heavier with every touch of his fingertips and even though your wounds were stinging, his warm skin eased the pain afterwards and comforted you without knowing so. Before falling asleep you murmured a ”thank you.”

The last thing you remembered was the feeling of being enveloped in something warm, probably the cover that wasn’t underneath you and a soft whisper.

”You’re welcome.”

[allysunny]

New Year's Kiss | Nanami Kento x Fem!Reader

ˡᵒᵛᵉˡʸ ⁿᵃⁿᵃᵐᶦ ᵃʳᵗ ᵇʸ ᵈᵒⁿᵍ ᵉʳᶻʰᵃⁿ

Synopsys: You and your husband Nanami were invited to the Jujutsu High New Year party. You love him, and he loves you, and he's sure as hell going to let you know when he kisses you at midnight.

Words: 3.8k

Warnings: Fluff! Good old-fashioned tooth-rotting fluff, established relationship, suggestive themes (but nothing explicit), Nanami is an amazing husband as always, cw: Gojo Satoru, not proofread. If I'm missing anything, please let me know.

A/N: Hey everyone!! I realised I hadn't written anything for Christmas or New Years, and I was kind of sad about that. I might still post something Christmas related after this, just not sure which fandom I'll do it for.

Anyways this is something short I decided to write for y'all because I missed writing for Nanami so, so much, and he was the perfect person for this trope. I also had a lot of fun writing Yuji, Megumi and Nobara (you'll spot a few easter eggs from the JJK Official Fanbook!), they're all very fun.

I hope you guys enjoy it! I had a great time writing this!

“Yes, and he also had this weird mop of hair on top of his head – if you added a black streak, I’m pretty sure he could’ve been emo. He used to style it like this –“ Gojo went on making gestures with his hands, pushing his hair aside to form a quick side part. “And it’d be all over his eyes. And he always had this look of utter boredom on his face, quite like the one he has now, and – “

“Satoru, that’s enough.” Nanami sighed next to you, interrupting his coworker.

“Awww, but she deserves to know the total nerd she’s married to! You might be one good-looking hunk of meat right now, but I still remember the days when you were just a scrawny little boy who had never felt the touch of a woman.” Gojo went on with a huge grin, turning to you.

“Alright, that’s it. We’re getting something to drink.” Nanami gently took your hand and led you away from Gojo, who started to chase after you, rambling about your “former emo man”, but eventually gave up and searched for someone else to bother.

You chuckled into your hand and looked up at your husband, whose face was contorted in an expression of annoyance – you were far too familiar with that look, which graced his features whenever he came home from overtime missions, or any of his coworkers were involved. But you were also familiar with that same look fading away as soon as you give him some attention. Your husband is, deep down, first and foremost, a domestic man.

“A side part, Kento?” you smiled, releasing his hand momentarily only to hold onto his arm.

“Must we really discuss my questionable hairstyle choices right now?” he sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, which only amused you further.

You knew Jujutsu High’s New Year party would be a tough invitation for your husband to accept.

“Darling, I deal with them every day. Why would I willingly be with them on the last day of the year as well?” He said, taking off his glasses, an action he often did when tired. “All I want is to stay at home with my beautiful wife, cook some of her favourite dishes, and watch the fireworks from our backyard.” Unfortunately, no matter how many kisses he gave you, he couldn’t convince you to stay in.

“I want to meet your friends, Kento.”

“They’re hardly my friends,” he grumbled. “And you know them already.”

“Hardly. I want to meet the people you work with. You’ve met mine. What’s so wrong with that? Besides, it’s a party. I know it’s not really your thing, but there’ll be food and drinks, and it’d give us a reason to dress up.” Was your plead.

“We can dress up at home –“

“It’s not the same.” You pouted, placing both of your hands on his cheeks, forcing him to bend down and look you in the eye. “Please? It’ll be fun, I promise. And if anyone’s being too annoying, we can leave and cook up something at home. How does that sound? Please, Kento. Pretty please? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you in a tux. I really like you in tuxes, you know…” Your hand dropped to his shirt and fiddled with its collar as you gave him you best seductive look. You knew your little games stirred him up often – that smart mouth of yours had landed you in trouble quite a few times (although you never complained), and you were counting on it to help you out right now.

Nanami only sighed and dropped his head in defeat.

“Fine.”

“Ah! Yay!”

“But we’ll leave if anyone crosses the line.”

“Deal!”

“And I’m bringing something of my own. Who knows what food they’re going to serve in there.”

“Alright, deal. I’ll help.”

With this said, he quickly bent over, hands coming to hold the back of your thighs and lifting you up. Your legs instinctively locked around his waist, and you laughed loudly, still cupping his cheeks.

“But I deserve compensation. Now, and then.” He murmured against your lips and swallowed your giggles as he kissed you deeply. Nanami would do anything to hear the sound of your laughter.

You held onto him tightly and he led you to the bedroom. The compensation was his, but you can’t say you didn’t enjoy it as well.

Which brings you to the present.

“Come on, cheer up. It’s just Satoru, he’ll get his hands on a cupcake or follow a pretty girl outside and leave us two alone.” You offered him a smile, but instead of returning you one of his own, his eye twitched slightly.

“Satoru. Sounds pretty friendly to me.”

The expression on his face was enough to make you break into a fit of laughter. Nanami was not usually a jealous man. He trusted you immensely and had never doubted your loyalty and love for him. But when it came to Satoru Gojo, he could get almost childish. “I don’t like how he looks at you, as if he could crack you, steal you away from me. He’s far too arrogant for his own good” he had revealed to you once after you’d ran into him at the supermarket. You could only smile and kiss him gently, promising there was nothing to worry about. No cocky white-haired man would ever take you away from him.

“Kento, come on. Don’t tell me you’re jealous.” The word hung off your lips with a tint of amusement to it, and he scoffed, looking away as pink coated his pale cheeks.

“I’m not jealous. I just don’t like – “

“How he looks at me. Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard all that before.” Tugging on his arm, you made him turn in your direction, completely facing you. You ran a hand through his jaw and grasped his own, kissing his wedding band with such delicacy, it was almost surreal. “It was friendly, you’re right. Because that’s all Satoru and I will ever be. Friends. Hell – I can’t deal with him for more than 20 minutes straight. I’m not sure that’s very friendly.” This earned a chuckle from him.

“And there’s no need for you to be jealous. I chose you, didn’t I?” you smiled, and Kento’s hand slid from yours to cup your cheek.

“And I still can’t believe it. You’re my dream come true. I love you.” He pulled you towards him, but before your lips could touch, a cheerful voice could be heard calling out your name from across the room.

"Hello! Ah, Nanami-san! Good evening!” Itadori Yuji exclaimed with a smile, fiddling with his dress shirt to make it appear smoother.

You gave your husband an apologetic smile and turned to the young boy. You loved Yuji. You’d met him a few times, and quickly became very fond of the pink haired student. He had no one, no parents, no relatives, no family, so you sort of made it your unofficial job to look after him. He looked up to Kento an awful lot, and clearly saw you as a mother figure. In fact, he’d once even called you “mom” while asking for some salt when he was over for dinner one night. His cheeks had become pink, and he mumbled out a string of apologies before you just chuckled and said it was fine.

The boy wasn’t your own, but you treated him like he was.

Nobara and Megumi followed behind him, so you offered them a polite wave as well. The trio was always together, and although he fought hard to keep up his professional and cold exterior at work, you knew how proud Nanami was of his students. A big ball of mush he was, you knew that for sure.

“Hello there, you two. How are you enjoying the party?” you asked, knowing Nanami would prefer to keep to the sidelines.

“Oh, we’re having a great time!” Yuji replied with a bright smile. He lifted his hands, both holding onto two fried chicken pieces. “Have you tried the fried chicken? It’s to die for, although I’m sure Nanami-san could it better.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, that’s disgusting,” Nobara chimed in with a sigh. “Nanami-san, your red bean buns are incredible! Inumaki’s had like – what? Five, so far? He’s stopped saying tuna and will only say anpan, it’s incredible.”

The kids laughed and you laughed along with them.

“Thank you, Nobara. I’m glad you and the others liked them.” Nanami replied cordially. He still had trouble finding that balance between being a teacher and talking to his students outside of class – after all, he wasn’t as reckless as Gojo who behaved like an adult instead of a teacher. Discipline was needed in an educational setting. But you’d also taught him he needed to loosen up a bit, and he was sure trying his best.

“If you want to, I can give you the recipe. It’s fairly easy.” Was that a smile?

“Oh, really? Thank you so much, Nanami-san! I can’t wait to try it at home!”

While Nanami and Nobara discussed a few of the dishes being served, Megumi took the opportunity to silently approach you.

“Nanami-san?” he asked, and it took you a while to understand he was referring to you instead of your husband.

“Oh, hello there Megumi. How are you?” you offered him a sweet smile which he shyly reciprocated. Megumi was the quieter of the three, and you could see how much Nanami saw himself in his demeanour. It was fun to see how alike they could be, even if Megumi had been raised by loud and extravagant Satoru Gojo.

“I’m fine, thank you. I’m really enjoying the poetry book you let me borrow.”

“Oh!” you nodded. You knew him to be an avid reader, and since he liked mostly non-fiction, you decided to share some of your books with him. He was currently reading your favourite poetry book.

“I didn’t think it would be my type, but the way the author crafts imagery with his words, it’s just…” Megumi shrugged, trying to find the right words. “It’s fantastic.”

“Which poem are you on?”

“Last one I read was the one about the moon? The moon and the mountain?”

“Ah, yes! That’s Kento’s favourite,” you smiled again, glancing to make sure all was okay with your husband. He seemed to be deep in conversation with both Yuji and Nobara and your heart got all warm and fuzzy. “I like the one about the birds and the sea. I think it’s near the end though, so it might take a while for you to reach it.”

“Birds and sea. Got it.” Megumi nodded. “I’m having a hard time finishing it, actually. I’ve gone back and reread some of the poems I liked so far a few times. They calm me down. I don’t want to finish it and put it down.”

You gave him a quizzical look, then shrugged.

“You can keep it then.”

Megumi looked up, eyes wide in surprise.

“Wait – what?”

“Yeah! I mean, if you’re liking it so much, you can keep it.”

“But – Nanami-san, it’s your book.”

“And it has helped me a lot back when I needed it. Now it seems like you need it more than me.” You replied nonchalantly. It was true. That poetry book had helped you some dark times, but now it was time to pass the torch to someone else. Megumi was a very sweet kid, and very bright too. You knew he’d take good care of it.

“Wow, I… I don’t know what to say.” He mumbled. “That’s very kind of you, Nanami-san, but I can’t take it. It’s yours.”

“And now I’m giving it to you. So, it’s yours. Think of it as a New Year gift. Alright?”

Megumi smiled and nodded.

“Thank you.”

Just as you were about to reply, your husband gently held you by the waist and pulled you close to him. You got the hint, and decided to help him out.

“Well guys, it was great chatting with you three,” you said, smiling at them. “Kento and I are going to grab something to eat and then probably find a place to watch the fireworks.”

They nodded in understanding – they knew how Nanami was when it came to other people and didn’t want to bother him any further. Especially when he seemed to be so at ease with his wife. They thanked you two profusely before walking away, leaving you with your husband.

“They love you,” he said, turning you to face him and taking one of your hands in his.

“Well, I love them too. They’re great kids.”

“Yeah. That, they are.” You could tell Nanami’s eyes were gleaming with pride, and you hid a cheeky smile. You turned on your heels and walked towards the tables full of food, pulling him along with you.

“How about we get something to eat? I’m starving, and really want to try some of that fried chicken!”

The rest of the evening went well. It went excellently, in fact.

You got to meet Jujutsu High’s faculty, Masamichi Yaga and Shoko Ieiri (whom you’d run into a few times already), eat some nice food and exchange pleasantries with people your husband knew.

After a while, you two decided to retire to a calmer corner, since you knew how small his social battery was. And you couldn’t lie – you wanted your husband to yourself for just a few minutes. He looked far too handsome in that sweater of his (for a man who wears suits so often, seeing him so casually did things to you). Your tux idea was quickly discarded once Gojo announced that it was going to be something more casual instead of a formal party, but Nanami made sure to promise you he’d wear one for you soon.

You chatted for a while. About the party, about his coworkers, about his job and yours. When you first started dating Nanami, he was working as a salaryman, but that didn’t quite make him happy. He was all about being efficient and making money, but you could tell he was miserable at that 9-5 job of his. That’s when he quit and became a “high school teacher”. After a few months, he laid out the truth. Told you about cursed spirits, about what he truly did. It was hard to take in at first, and part of you thought he was insane, but it eventually sunk in.

Suddenly, the chattering around you two got louder and louder, and people started walking towards the doors.

“It’s 10 minutes to midnight! Everyone, let’s go outside!” Someone shouted and you took it as your clue to do the same. Nanami held your hand and led you outside, quickly finding a quiet spot among the trees that, while secretive, still allowed you a nice vision of the night sky, and the place where you presumed the fireworks would be in.

“Thank you for coming, Ken.” You told him, enjoying the intimacy the trees provided you two with. “I know you’d much rather be at home.”

“Nonsense. You know all I want is to be with you. I’ll be fine as long as I’m by your side.” He said, dropping his head to kiss your forehead. Your cheeks heat up. Even after all these years, a simple gesture as a forehead kiss could make you melt inside. You loved this man with your whole being, and you felt nothing but lucky and happy in this moment.

“I promise to make it up to you when we get home. Start the New Year on a good note,” you murmured, hands trailing the neckline of his dark blue sweater. Nanami dropped his head lower and whispered into your head.

“Oh, I’ll make sure you will. You might’ve forgotten, but I was promised compensation on two occasions…” His voice sent a shiver down your spine, and you clutched his shirt while letting out a shaky breath. The effect this man on you was crazy – something worth studying, because just his words could make you lightheaded.

A few meters away, you could hear people start to cheer and yell.

“5 minutes to midnight!”

You smiled.

“You know Kento, those kids really do look up to you. I think you’re their favourite teacher.”

“Hm.”

“I’m serious. You’re all cold and distant on the outside, but I know you have a soft spot for them. I see it in the way you look at Yuji.”

Nanami looked away, but not before you could see something like grief briefly flash through his eyes.

“He… He reminds me of Haibara.” He said, voice soft and low.

You knew about Haibara Yu, your husband’s best friend when he was younger. He’d told you about him once. How he was so lively and full of energy, how he could become friends with anyone instantly. How he couldn’t save him in the end. Even if you didn’t know him, it was clear the young pink haired boy would remind Nanami of his best friend.

You placed a reassuring hand on his bicep. “Hey,” you mumbled. “I bet he’s really proud of you.”

Nanami sighed and nodded.

“I just… wish he was here to see it.”

You smiled sadly, and took both of his arms on your hands, forcing him to turn to you. When he refused to meet his gaze, you held his face, forcing him to look into your eyes.

“Hey. He is. Can’t you feel him? He’s right here with us. And he’ll always be here.” You touched his chest, right above where his heart would be. Nanami looked down and wiped a tear that had fallen down his cheek.

“I love you. So much. You’re the light of my life, and I’m so grateful to have you by my side.” He whispered, kissing your hands.

“I love you too, Kento. More than you could know.”

“Thirty seconds to midnight!”

“I’ve really enjoyed this past year,” you smiled, taking his hand, and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Me too.” He replied.

“Ten!” Everyone cheered in unison.

“We truly did make some incredible memories together.”

“Nine!”

“And next year, we’ll make much more.” Nanami assured you. This time, it was him who squeezed your hand.

“Eight!”

You walked, taking Nanami by the hand with you. Your spot was nice, and you were sure you’d have a nice view of the fireworks, but better safe than sorry.

“Seven!”

When you two found another place you were comfortable with, he stood by your side, hand carefully wrapped around your waist. The trees were no longer hiding you two, and you could see just how many people were outside.

“Six!”

You grinned. What an amazing year it’d been.

“Five!”

Nanami squeezed your waist reassuringly. He loved you. So much.

“Four!”

A year had passed.

“Three!”

A year full of memories. Laughter, tears. Good and bad moments. Memorable and forgettable. It had been an incredible year for sure.

“Two!”

You were certain the next one would be too. As long as you had your husband by your side.

“One!”

“Happy New Year!” Everyone exclaimed, and suddenly, the sky burst into a hundred different colours.

Brilliant bursts of deep blues, radiant reds and shimmering golds painted the night sky, each explosion echoing in the distance. The symphony of loud booms was accompanied by the sounds of students and teachers alike cheering, yelling, and talking. The bursts of light illuminated the darkness, casting a fleeting glow on their faces and brightened the figures of those jumping around and expressing their joy.

You could only stare at the beautiful display in front of you. Swirling patterns and vivid colours painted an ever-changing masterpiece in the black canvas of the sky, turning into sparkling glitters before fading away gracefully.

Meanwhile, Nanami turned to look at you, taking you in. The lights contrasted on your face, and your eyes seemed to shine as you looked in wonder at the fireworks before you. How could he get so lucky? A beautiful, intelligent, kind, and caring woman. You were the whole package. And you had decided to love him and only him.

You caught him staring at you and giggled, but before you could open your mouth to speak, he’d done it first.

“I love you.”

You chuckled and furrowed your eyebrows. Still, he wouldn’t allow you to speak just yet.

“I want these to be the first words I tell you this year. I want these to be the first words I tell you every morning when we wake up, and every night before we go to sleep. I want these to be the words I tell you when I get home from a tiring day, or when I’ve achieved something I’m proud of. Thing is – I love you. Darling, I love you so much. And I want to say this as many times as I can. You are the greatest gift I could’ve ever asked for. You’ve saved me. I was empty before I met you. You’ve brought so much joy into my life, and nurtured my heart back to health, something I thought was impossible after I had witnessed so much death and loss.” Nanami took both of your hands, and you could see his eyes were sparkling with tears.

“What I’m trying to say is – I love you. I’m a better man when I’m with you. You make me a better person. I want these to be the first words I tell you this year, tomorrow morning, tomorrow night, and whenever I can. I will tell you how much I love you until the end of time, because you are everything to me.”

You looked at him through tear-filled eyes. After such a heartfelt confession, you didn’t know what to say. You didn’t think any words could ever express just how deeply you loved Nanami Kento. No words would ever be able to capture your feelings, and just how far you would go for this man.

So instead, you let your actions speak for you.

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you pulled him down to you, kissing him. He was quick to reciprocate, tongue coming up to trace your lips, which you gladly parted. His hands were resting on your waist and bringing you impossibly closer to him. You poured your heart out in this kiss, letting it tell your husband all you knew words couldn’t.

And by the way he was kissing you back, you knew he understood.

After a while, you two parted for air.

Chuckling, you moved his blonde locks out of his face so you could look into his beautiful hazel eyes.

“I love you, Nanami Kento. I would walk to the end of the world for you. I don’t think any words can describe what you mean to me, but I promise to try. And if words aren’t enough, then I’ll show it to you, every single day, for as long as I live.”

Nanami brushed a strand of hair from your face, and kissed you once again, this time softly, as if you were sealing a secret promise.

Maybe you were.

“Happy New Year, my love.”

“Happy New Year, Kento.”

A/N: And that's it! I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Nanami deserves the absolute best. I wish you all an amazing year, and I hope you have an incredible day!

[whenmemorydies]

Preliminary thoughts on The Bear, race, power and privilege

I’m a non-Black woman of colour who has spent all of my life in the west…so I’ve consumed a lot of television media that is produced by and for the white gaze. The most obvious way that gaze plays out is when people of colour are non-existent in a cast, or when they are included, are tokenistic, bit players.

A more insidious manifestation is where POC are cast to play parts that could just as easily be played by white folks: characters that have no interiority or external relationships related to their cultural identities, wider communities or individual or collective histories (for example, Mindy in The Mindy Project for most of its run, or the characters of colour in Season 1 of Bridgerton).

I've had some thoughts about how The Bear (thankfully) avoids tokenistic and "colour-blind" representation. I also have some thoughts about how the show models meaningful allyship. I'm so keen to discuss this with folks and hear what others think about it too.

Unambiguous and unapologetic

The Bear is confined in its universe, particularly in season 1 where it’s focus is tightly bound to the physical location of The Beef as the setting for almost every scene. Episodes of The Bear are generally not very long, so time is precious (every second really does count). These factors necessarily limit how deep we can get into each character. But the show is so good at drawing on different means of communication: images, lighting, score, soundtrack, phrasing, callbacks to previous episodes, other cultural references etc, that each episode is like a jewellery box with gems waiting to be unpacked and pored over. I've said that I have started reading this show like a tarot deck because of how rich the symbolism in each episode is.

So despite the constraints of time and setting, characters of colour in this show are also so very rich in their realisation and portrayal. These characters are unambiguously and - this is important - unapologetically racialised: through language (see: Tina’s use - and occasional weaponisation lmao - of Spanish), physical appearance (see: Sydney’s two-tone braids and her stunning, prolific collection of headscarves throughout the show), culturally distinct names (see: Sydney Adamu, Ebraheim, Tina Marrero, etc), food (see: Carmy’s peace offering to Syd in ep 1x03 of Ebra’s family chicken suqaar - a popular dish in the latter character’s birth country of Somalia), etc.

GIF by @chefkids

These may seem like small and inconsequential details to some. In fact I’ve been seeing a lot of commentary from folks online saying that what they like about The Bear is that race isn’t mentioned at all on the show. But make no mistake: race is all over this thing. The examples I've given are only some of the many references to racialised histories and cultures that build out the broader fabric of multicultural Chicago here.

What is not present in The Bear is a script that is wasting time explaining the characters of colour and their rich inner and outer lives to white folks. Those things are just a given and we are invited to witness them being brought to vivid life by this cast and crew. And I am fucking here for it.

Respect and allyship

Another thing I LOVE about this show is the respect given to, and the recognition of, the experience, talent, drive and ambition of its characters of colour.

This is most obvious in the relationship between Syd and Carmy who are signalled as complementary equals in many ways. Others have written on the importance of the representation embodied by Sydney’s character and you should search out that analyses, especially when its authored by Black women. The only other thing I’d say about it is that I love Sydney’s character and I also love endgame Sydcarmy (even if it’s only hinted at in the last second of the last frame of the last ever episode lmao…I will take whatever I can get of these two 😭).

I also see the show’s respect and recognition manifest in The Bear's investment in its staff, particularly in season 2. Everyone who worked at The Beef has a role at The Bear and Carmy, Syd and Nat fund the ongoing training and upskilling of their largely racialised staff to make sure this happens. Ebra and Tina are paid to attend culinary school (Carmy also gives Tina his prized knife for her studies and beyond). Marcus is sent to stage in Copenhagen to develop his skills as a patissier. And then we have The Bear itself - what started as Carmy and Michael’s vision, is now the whole team’s baby, with Sydney literally being made the captain of the ship by Carmy at the end of ep 2x09.

GIF by @savagegood

Part of what was so tragic about Carmy's fridge spiral at the end of season 2 was that he didn't get to see how beautifully the team came through in a crisis. Instead we had him internalising, regressing and lamenting how he had let everyone down. This language centred Carmy as the be all and end all of The Bear (saviour vibes) when this couldn't have been further from the truth (particularly in a season where the man spent so much of his time not in the restaurant but chasing manic pixie no-last-name-having Claire....but I digress).

Carmy is his best when he checks his ego, takes a step back and realises that he is not alone. He is part of a whole chosen family supporting one another at The Bear. And I get the sense that the folks creating this show know that we need more white folks using their power and privilege to step back and facilitate access, and less gatekeeping white saviours taking credit where its not due.

After all, and paraphrasing Viola Davis, the only thing that separates people of colour from anyone else, is opportunity.

12/04/24 Note: I’ve amended this post because I forgot to mention the most pivotal example of Sydney along with her relationship with Carmy. Also made some slight stylistic changes to phrasing cos i fixate on errors lol

[prettywordsyouleft]

Personal Torture

Pairing: Bang Chan x female reader

Genre: fluff / gym au

Tropes: established relationship

Warnings: a lot of body soreness lol

Word count: 898

Author’s Note: I wrote this from experience – well, minus that I didn’t have Bang Chan to help me recover. But the rest was very much so written in the moment.

“Easy… take it slow.”

You whimpered as you slowly descended onto the couch, no part of your body quiet in its protests. The strong hands around your biceps supporting you were a pleasure and a pain, and when you finally sunk deeply into the cushion beneath you, you were relieved when Chan let go.

Crouching down in front of you, your boyfriend tried hard not to laugh at your expense. It made his soft guidance over to the couch seem irrelevant as your eyes – thankfully not hurting in any way – glowered at him. “You okay there?”

“I’m going to hurt you.”

He bit his lip briefly. “I don’t think you can, not at least for a day or two. Besides, if you hurt me, who is going to help you into the shower once I’ve fed you?”

Grumbling at his smart response, you tried to fold your arms across your chest in annoyance. Instead, you winced as your armpits, of all places, ached with the stretch. Christ, was there a part of your body where you wouldn’t ache after today? You let out a huff of air. “I’m never going again.”

“Yes, you will. It was your first session. It makes sense your body would ache afterwards.”

“This much? I feel like I’ve been put into a tumble dryer and thrown about for an hour.”

Chan couldn’t hold back a snort. “It’ll get easier when your body grows accustomed to exercising. I promise.”

“Did you hurt like this the first time?” you asked, looking at your boyfriend’s athletic shape. You then scrunched your nose. “Never mind, I’m sure you came out of the womb this fit.”

Laughing now, Chan patted your knees gently and grimaced when you whined in displeasure. “I don’t remember. I was always pretty active as a kid. And whilst the imagery of baby me coming out with abs is frighteningly hilarious, you’ve seen photos of me as a kid.”

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. It was one thing joining the gym and mucking around on the cardio machines. But a personal trainer? Chan, I just paid a woman sixty dollars to kill me.”

“You’re still alive.”

“My last breath is pending. I’m pretty sure if I try to stand up again, that will be my final act.”

“You’re going to be fine,” he insisted, moving into the kitchen and clanging things about. “I bet as soon as I’ve fed you and then gotten you into a shower to ease the ache in your muscles, you’ll be right as rain.”

“It took me twenty minutes to get inside from the car before, remember?”

“Fifteen of that was you telling me you couldn’t possibly move because you would fall.”

“My legs are still shaking. They’re like jello.”

“No pain, no gain.”

“I don’t want to gain. Actually, I do. Gain weight. That’s always been easy for me to do. Squatting down to my ankles on my first PT session? Surely that was her having a laugh at my expense.”

“Didn’t you finish all three sets?”

You frowned. “Yes, but-”

“Then you are stronger than you feel right now. Look at your effort. You didn’t give up.”

“I wanted to after the squats. That’s an exercise designed by the Devil himself.”

Chan gave you a pointed look. “But you completed it all.”

“I didn’t want to fail my first session!”

“And you didn’t. Think about how much you asked of your body just now. And it responded to all your requests.”

You thought over his words, pursing your lips together. He was irritatingly right. A smug smile bloomed over his face when he realised you had silently acknowledged his claim.

“Surely, what I did today wasn’t the norm. There’s no way I am going to recover from this to repeat that routine again so soon. If the squats don’t kill me, the damn yoga exercise on the ground will. I am now aware of muscles I didn’t know existed, Chan. I’d rather go back to being oblivious of them.”

Bringing over the sandwiches he’d made for you both, Chan sat down heavily beside you, grinning when you glared at him. He then handed over a plate before taking a bite from his own. After swallowing it down, he said, “I’m proud of you.”

“Of course you are. You’re a gym bro who successfully convinced your fitness-illiterate girlfriend into joining a gym and paying money to torture herself.”

“No. I’m a guy who listened to his girlfriend complain one too many times about feeling gross and wanting to be healthier and supported her in making small changes. Whether you never go again or not, I’m proud of you for putting yourself first like that.”

Placing down your sandwich, you took in his genuine expression, a small proud smile crossing your lips. “I didn’t fail.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“My butt is going to look amazing after conquering squats, isn’t it?”

He grinned. “That’s my girl.”

“Are you sure you’ll be proud of me if I never go again?”

“Well, you’ve already paid for your next two sessions, so…”

You groaned loudly, wincing when your body disagreed with your efforts. Having a cute butt wasn’t worth all this agony.

“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” Chan attempted, though he could tell you were beyond inspirational quotes now.

“Kill me now. It’ll be less painful.”

_________________

All rights reserved © prettywordsyouleft

[Stray Kids Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist]

[pensat-i-fet]

Young love never lasts (Pedri x Reader)

**You know, sometimes I get requests and they sort of write themselves. This is one of those. Written in like two sittings and very cute, I think. A little childhood friends to lovers I was requested yesterday. Enjoy ❤️**

Word count: 4066

Masterlist

Wattpad

If there was something you were sure of, it was that you would never have a boyfriend. Or so you thought when you were 8.

Parents, grandparents, friends, …all obsessed over their theories of which kids could get married in the future because they looked so cute together. For you, there was only one option. And it was Pedri. You never liked playing with the boys because they were so mean to you, but Pedri wasn’t. At first, he didn’t want the other kids to see you together because they mocked him but over time, he stopped caring. He liked you, so they could think whatever they wanted about your friendship.

So everyone talked about what great friends you were and how adorable you looked together.

“Look at them holding hands”, giggled your mum one day. “Maybe they’re playing boyfriend and girlfriend”.

You weren’t. You were just walking over a pretty uneven area and held hands so you wouldn’t fall. But from that moment on, you never held Pedri’s hand again whenever someone was around.

Time made things easier. In high school, many of the mean kids were gone and no one cared about you two being friends. But your girlfriends teased you.

“Come on, he’s cute. You have to like him. You’re together all the time”.

“I don’t”, you would always say.

And you meant it. He was your friend. Your best friend. But that was it. Not that you liked any other boys but…you definitely didn’t like him.

For Pedri, it was a whole different story. He had always liked you as a friend and nothing else. But then puberty hit and he started to see you in a different light. His brother told him it was probably just the hormones. He would be attracted to every girl. But he wasn’t. He liked a few girls just because they were pretty but it was different when it came to you. He truly liked you. But he never told you about it for fear of scaring you.

He feared losing you if he told you about his feelings. But despite not telling you, he lost you anyway.

“Hey”, you greeted him one morning when you saw him outside of class.

“Hi. Where were you this morning? I was waiting for you and…”.

“I don’t think we should walk to school together anymore, Pedri”.

“Why?”

“I’ve kept a secret from you. I have a boyfriend. And I just don’t think I should spend as much time with you. Like, you’re just my friend but you’re a boy. What if that makes him uncomfortable?”

Pedri didn’t know what hurt more. It should be that you had a boyfriend. That you had finally shown interest in a boy and it wasn’t him. But that wasn’t the most painful part. It was that you wanted to stop hanging out with him. How could he cope with losing you completely?

It turned out he couldn’t. Everyone could see how sad he was, including you. The difference was that everyone else knew he was sad because you were dating someone who wasn’t Pedri. You just thought he missed you as a friend.

“Why are you so sad, darling?”, asked him his mum when she couldn’t wait any longer. She tried to give him space and allow him to talk to her when he felt ready but he wasn’t going to. And she couldn’t stand seeing her little boy looking so sad.

“Has your heart ever been broken?”

“Yes. When I was around your age. Why do you ask that?”

“Because I think mine is broken too”, he admitted, embarrassed.

“I heard about the boyfriend news…I’m so sorry, honey. But you’ll get over it. That’s teenage love. It feels like nothing you’ll ever feel will be able to match this intensity, but then you realise it was just an overreaction”.

“I don’t think it is…”.

No mother wants to see her children cry, so when Pedri’s tears started to fall, she hugged him tightly. “You say that now because it’s too raw. You’re feeling too much. But you’ll be fine soon. I promise. And I’m here to look after you, ok?”

“Ok”, he nodded. But he didn’t believe what his mum was saying.

Because it wasn’t true. The pain never truly left but it became easier to deal with it. And easier to hide it. Pedri kept waiting for the moment when you came back to him. Even if you still were dating that asshole, who was actually very nice and seemed to be making you very happy. But to Pedri, he was always going to be an asshole.

Still, he waited for you to try and be his friend again. But you never did. Not even when he got his big move to Barcelona. It seemed like the whole island was there to celebrate but you weren’t. You were away on a trip with your boyfriend and couldn’t say goodbye to your old friend before he left to try and make his dream come true.

“Who are you looking for?”, asked him his dad when he saw him looking around all the guests that had gathered there for his farewell party.

“No one. I was just trying to memorize how everything and everyone looks before leaving”.

“Well, you’ll be back. No need to be so dramatic”, laughed his dad before leaving Pedri there alone.

But he felt like being dramatic because you weren’t there. And he was afraid he was never going to see you again.

**

The years passed and so many of the things you thought you’d never do changed. Never having a boyfriend? Right. You definitely changed your opinion about that. After dating the same guy during your high school years, you broke up because uni life showed you maybe you weren’t as perfect for each other as you once thought. And after that, you dated a couple of guys casually. But always felt like that wasn’t you. You wanted what you had during high school. A serious committed relationship. But needed to find the right person for it.

You also said you would never cut your hair short after your mum forced you to do it every summer until you were 11 and refused to get a super short haircut every year. And you were never going to live in mainland Spain. You were an island girl, what were you supposed to do there?

Yet there you were, 20 years old and getting a gorgeous bob haircut, that everyone told you was incredibly flattering on you, right before moving to Barcelona. We all say a lot of things when we are kids and then do otherwise. It wasn’t just you.

"You've got to be kidding me".

Maybe you had a point about not living in mainland Spain. Ever since you landed in Barcelona, it had been disaster after disaster.

One of the wheels of your suitcase broke, so moving it around proved to be a bit tricky. And a lot painful. Your arm was going to be so sore the next day. Finding a taxi wasn't easy either because the drivers were on strike, so only a few of the ones parked at the airport were working.

And when you finally made it to the hotel you had to stay in until you found an apartment, you saw that it had been closed because some pipes broke and the rooms were inhabitable.

"What am I supposed to do?"

You sat down on a bench near the hotel and tried to think of what your next step should be. There was the company you were going to work for. They could maybe help you. They knew Barcelona better than you.

But first, you needed to find another taxi. A man told you where to go and on your way there, another suitcase wheel broke.

"Have I been cursed?"

Fernando, Pedri's brother, was walking near you and he turned to look at you when he heard the familiar accent from Canarias.

"Need any help?", he asked you and when you looked up, your eyes widened. "Hello?"

"Fernando?"

"How do you know my name…right, are you my brother's fan?"

"I wouldn't say I'm a fan", you chuckled. "You don't remember me?"

He stared at you for a couple of seconds. You looked familiar. Very familiar.

"Imagine me being this height", you said, pointing out how short you were when you were 12. "With longer hair and your brother by my side".

"No way…what are you doing here?"

"Living a nightmare, apparently", you sighed and Fer asked you to elaborate.

It felt good to just rant and have someone to talk to after such a horrible day.

"I mean, you could come stay with us".

"By us, you mean…".

"Yeah".

"I don't think he'd want me in his house. I hurt him a lot, Fernando. I just left him for a boy when he was my best friend. I noticed the way he glared at me a few times. I'm not welcome there. I'll just find another hotel but I appreciate the offer".

"Nonsense. We're all adults now. And I can't leave you alone in a city you barely know carrying that suitcase that's about to fall apart. Come with us. Pedri…he doesn't hate you. Believe me".

You nodded and followed him. It wasn't as if you had a lot of options. And a part of you couldn't believe you were going to see Pedri again. Moving to Barcelona, you hoped you could go see him at a match, maybe. But talking to him? No. That was not an option…until it was.

"Pepi!", screamed Fer when he opened the door to their house. "You're not going to believe what I found! Well, who I found".

"What are you talking about …".

Pedri stopped walking down the stairs to stare at you. And you stared back. No matter how many times you had seen him in photos and on the TV, nothing prepared you for how much he had changed. He was the same Pedri you knew but he was also not a 14-year-old boy anymore.

"Hi", you said, shily.

"How are you here?"

"How about we offer our guest a drink and we catch up?"

Both you and Pedri nodded and followed his brother to the kitchen, where they made you a cup of warm coffee you very much needed.

"Isn't Nacho here with you?"

That was the question Pedri had wanted to ask since he saw you.

"No, we broke up a while ago".

"Oh. Sorry", he lied.

"It's ok. Young love never lasts".

He tried to laugh when you did but didn't feel like it. Because his love for you was young love too and it very much lasted.

Pedri never forgot about you but what was the point of dwelling on those feelings when the only thing he achieved was hurting himself even more? So he pretended you didn't exist. But then he would think about anything that reminded him of you and the feelings came back immediately.

That was the case then but he believed it was justified since you were sitting in his kitchen, drinking from his favourite mug and talking to him. When was the last time that happened? Too long ago, that was when.

"So what are you going to do?"

"Well, Barcelona is big so I'll find another hotel and just stay there. I hope I get my money back from the other reservation I had but I'll worry about that tomorrow. I'm too tired".

"Stay here", he said, not allowing himself time to think about the pros or cons.

"You don't have to offer…".

"I know. But I want to. We're childhood friends, right?"

You nodded before looking away. "I'm sorry".

"For what?"

"Leaving you when I got a boyfriend".

Fer noticed what type of conversation was about to happen and so he excused himself and left the kitchen.

"It's ok…".

"No, it isn't. It wasn't. Nacho never asked me to do it, you know? He was never jealous or anything. I think in a way it pissed me off he wasn't? Like, aren't you worried when the whole island is obsessed with saying my best friend and I are secretly in love with each other? I always hated those bullshit rumours".

"Yeah. Same", he said, feeling his heart break again at the confession that you really never saw him as more than a friend.

"It's no excuse but I think that's what made me want to separate myself from you. People trying to push us together. If something had to happen, it should have been natural. Not forced, you know?"

He nodded. That made sense. He actually hated those comments too. They felt too invasive. And he noticed you moving away from him every time someone said something along those lines.

"Well, now I blamed everyone else for my mistakes, I'll say it again. I'm sorry I hurt you".

"Thank you for apologizing. It was actually really hard to go through that. I guess I was just young and overreacting", he tried to joke, remembering his mum's words.

You smiled at him and that was confirmation that his feelings for you were still the same.

"I thought about talking to you again so many times. Nacho even told me to. But I just knew you hated me…".

"I didn't hate you", how could you think that?

"I saw the way you looked at me. There was hatred in your eyes and it hurt because I never thought you capable of such feelings but…I deserved it. It's fine".

"I didn't hate you", he repeated. "I was probably just trying not to look too sad around you and God knows what my face looked like then. Everyone always told me about how sad I looked because you left me and I hated it. I wanted to look tough. I see it worked wonders".

You laughed and also felt relieved. No matter how much you thought you deserved to be hated by Pedri. You didn't want him to hate you.

"Right", he said, clearing his throat and getting up. "Now you know I don't hate you, let me take you to the guest room".

"You sure?"

"You still didn't tell me why you're here so I'll keep you around until we fully catch up at least", he joked.

When you finished your coffee, you followed him to the room.

"This house is bigger than your parents', huh? Well, the one we used to go to. I know they have a bigger one now. It's a bit sad. So many good memories of the old one".

"I know", Pedri was happy to be able to provide his parents with everything they could ask for and then some. But he missed their old house. Partly because of all the memories you two made there.

"But this one is nice too. Different but…I guess you've changed".

"So have you. The hair?"

That made you chuckle. "I wanted a dramatic change and I just did this. I don't know. I didn't think much about it. Hair grows back".

"It looks good on you".

"Thank you. You look great too".

That made Pedri pause. You had never spoken about him in that way. Back when you were still friends, you were still team "boys are disgusting". So he didn't know how to take the compliment.

"Thanks. I…I haven't really done much lately because of the injury. I need to shave and…".

"Don't. I mean, facial hair looks great on you. You should keep it".

He nodded, silently planning on throwing away every shaving product he had in the house.

It was crazy how, even after six years of not speaking to each other, you could go back to feeling so comfortable in each other's presence so quickly.

"I'll find some sheets for the bed. I can help you make it".

"That'd be great".

"So, what kind of job did you get here?", asked Pedri while passing you some of the bed sheets.

"It's a tech company. It's supposed to be one of the best in the country so it's very exciting".

"You work at the best company while I play for the best team".

"Debatable. But we're not going to argue about football now. I'm too tired".

You rolled your shoulders and touched the right one, trying to massage it a bit to get rid of the pain.

"You alright?"

"Yeah. It was just the travelling and then the suitcase", you laughed. "The wheels are supposed to be there to help us carry the weight so when they break…".

"There's a bath in this room. Why don't you take one and then I can find one of the creams I use for muscular pain. They help a lot".

"That sounds amazing. Thank you".

"Actually, go run the bath. I'll finish making the bed".

You both had moved to put the sheet in place and were now standing next to each other. When Pedri moved back to get one of the blankets, you grabbed his arm to stop him.

"You don't have to. It doesn't hurt that much".

"It's fine".

He didn't know how to react to you touching him after all these years. And the thing was, you didn't know how to react either. Why did it feel so different than it had back when you were children? Was it because of how much time had passed? It was probably that.

Not wanting to overthink too much after such a weird day, you went to the bathroom to get everything ready for the bath. The warm water soothed your muscles and relaxed you so much, that it was hard to stay awake. But you also didn't want to stay there for too long since you were just a guest. And not even one that had been properly invited.

Searching your suitcase for something comfy to wear, you found a pair of shorts and a matching top and just put it on before going down the stairs.

"Guys? Where are you?"

"Here!", said Pedri, coming out of the living room so you could see him. "Feeling better?"

"So much better", you smiled.

"I have the cream if you want to put some on now".

You joined Pedri in his living room and took the cream from his hand. It said on the box that you had to apply a small amount and massage it into the skin. So you put some product on the tip of your fingers and started to do that but…it was really uncomfortable.

"Dinner will be ready in 10", said Fer. "Do you need help with that?"

"Maybe", you admitted.

"Fer can do it", said Pedri quickly, “he helps me when I can't reach the injured area".

"My hands are dirty from cooking, sorry. You do it".

Pedri shook his head seeing his brother run away back to the kitchen. He could be so obvious sometimes.

"Can you do it, please?"

He nodded and you turned so your back was to him. There was already cream on your shoulder but he took a bit more and started to apply it. "Where does it hurt the most?"

You took his hand and moved it to the area that needed the massage the most. And Pedri kept massaging your skin, even if it was so hard to be this close to you and a simple shoulder massage felt so intimate somehow. But he just thought about how it meant literally nothing to you and it helped. A bit.

However, he was wrong. Because you were once again overthinking why his touch was affecting you so much. The cream was supposed to numb the area to help with the pain. But you also felt your brain was numb because you couldn't process anything that was going on.

"Thank you", you told him, turning your head to see him but he only looked away.

"No problem. Let's go eat. You must be starving".

Fer was also there during dinner, and Pedri used him as a shield almost. For his feelings. And you…you really understood how much you must have hurt him all those years ago. Because seeing him ignore you at times, it was really painful. Not that you could complain but still.

When you woke up the next morning, you found Fer having breakfast alone.

"Is Pedri still sleeping?"

"No, he had to leave early for training".

"Oh, right. Um…I got a message from my hotel. They're moving us to another one while everything is repaired so I'll go there later. I kind of hoped I could say goodbye to Pedri and thank him for letting me stay here".

"Who says you can't? You'll be living in the same city. You know where he lives…there is time to thank him and to talk. To be friends again, maybe?"

That idea had been in your head all night. You barely slept and just kept overthinking.

"I don't think he wants to be my friend".

"No, he always wanted to be more than your friend. Probably still does".

"What?"

You had heard the comments. Of course, you had. But why pay them any attention? You had your boyfriend and were living your life away from Pedri's. Who cared if it was true he had feelings for you?

Now, however, you did care.

"Do you want me to be honest with you?"

You nodded. "Of course".

"If you're just going to play with his feelings and hurt him again, then leave and don't come back. But I noticed the way you looked at him yesterday. And having you back in his life would mean everything to my brother".

"I never liked him like that…".

"But?"

"But maybe I do now?"

Fer smiled, happy to see he had read the situation well. "Then give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?"

"I hurt him again?"

"That's a risk we take with all relationships. It shouldn't be the reason why you don't do it".

Pedri had also been overthinking your unexpected return to his life. That's why he left earlier than he should in the morning. He couldn't face you even if that made him a coward. He needed time.

His brother texted him saying you had a hotel to go to and that you'd be gone by lunchtime. And that he'd have dinner ready for when Pedri came back from some photoshoots he had to do for sponsors.

"Fer?", he called when he got back home. But got no answer. "Ok".

Pedri walked to the dining room, seeing that the lights were on. But he didn't find his brother there, he found you.

"I thought you had left".

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No".

You finally smiled. This was so nerve-wracking. "Fer made some dinner for us. So we can talk. Sit down, it'll get cold".

Pedri sat down and put some food on his plate, seeing you do the same. "Talk about what?"

"Us".

Such a small word that was. Us. But what did it mean in this context?

"I already, sort of, tried to explain the lame reasons why I pushed you away once. I don't want that to happen again. But would understand if you wanted me gone".

"I don't", he said quickly. "I didn't back then. And I don't now".

"Good", you smiled at him, making him smile too. "Also, our parents, grandparents, neighbours, etc might have been right"

"In which way?"

"Maybe it was just a matter of time before we realised we liked each other".

Pedri was so shocked by your admission, he knocked the glass with his elbow and spilled all the water on the table and the floor.

"Crap! Sorry!"

You bit your lip so you wouldn't laugh at his clumsiness and got up to help him.

"I got it", he said, putting more paper cloth on top of the water to absorb it and making a mess.

"Do it like this", you told him, putting your hand on his and moving it to clean the table properly. "You always needed me to hold your hand. How did you cope these past years?"

"I didn't".

"Well, that's about to change. If you want it to change".

"I do", he said, sealing the promise with the kiss he had dreamed about for a decade. 

[lyome]

Uhuhu I love the way you write <33 Since if i understood correctly request are open, can I request yandere Nikolai (bsd) punishing f!reader who tried to escape ^^!

note: okayy i might've written this a bit too horror-like. i hope you like it though! it was sm fun to write nikolai tho hehe pairing: yan!nikolai x f!reader tags/warnings: abuse!! yandere themes, blood, corpses, murder, captivity, manipulation, guilt tripping, very horror like(??) please read with caution

Nikolai loved you. But his love wasn’t the typical kind. Nothing about him was typical. He’d smile and say the most wretched things. He’d hold you and his nails would dig far too deep in your skin. At first you were just trying to be nice to this strange man. You had no idea how starved he was for kindness, or how far he’d go to keep it.

It took you months to push through the bathroom window. It was small and greasy and too tall for you. Nikolai must’ve known that, having deemed the very idea of pressing yourself through it impossible. But here you were, falling face first on the icy cold ground in the middle of the night. Dirty from the grease and bruised from Nikolai’s last tantrum. 

From there it was a matter of luck. You didn’t know this place, and you quickly realised you didn’t know the country either. He kept you somewhere completely foreign, where people hardly even spoke English. All they saw in you was a frantic, insane foreigner covered in filth. No one thought to help you nor call the police. They assumed you were just one of the homeless beggars struggling for change. 

As you stumbled about for days, you did manage to speak to a few people. Directions to the police, some small amounts of money, an old lady even gave you a small loaf of bread. She didn’t understand you, nor you her, but you were unimaginably grateful.

You took to hiding that night after you deemed the police unapproachable. Nikolai was a frantic idiot who openly told you about what he did, for who, and why. You’ve spent months trapped in a small room and bathroom with no one but him. And he loved to talk. 

It was all pitter, patter and quiz after quiz. He drove you insane.

Curled up in the bushes of a park, you couldn’t sleep. You were cold, hungry, and utterly mortified. 

Nikolai did talk far too much, but he had his secrets. You were just a barista that he frequently saw whilst out and about with Fyodor. An innocent bystander who caught the jester’s eye. One thing led to another, until eventually you found his secret. His obsession. 

Printed polaroid photos of you, your friends, family and loved ones spilled from his pale white cloak. And he showed it all with a smile. Laughing at your terror, threatening all you hold dear. And then you were gone.

It’s insane to you to remember you used to have a life. You had a job and friends and your world was more than the bright wallpaper that forced you to vomit. There was more to your life than Nikolai’s ugly laughter and threats.

You managed to fall asleep after crying your eyes out. It was too much. But when the morning came your blood chilled. 

The sun was bright and birds sang a tune you’ve long forgotten. And at your feet was a note. An ugly one, for it was Nikolai’s handwriting scribbled harshly on the stained page. It said:

To my dearest dove, 

You’ve outdone yourself. Say, beautiful, have you been hiding how cruel you really are? Why, all this time I thought you loved me! This really hurts, y’know. My heart is bleeding because of you. I might as well put a bullet through it. Is that what you want? You want someone to die for you? 

If you wanted blood on your hands so badly you should’ve asked! I’ve prepared you a gift, in fact. You’ve been bad. Very bad. But I’m in a forgiving mood! Just come, find me here. I promise you’ll love my gift.

Oh and, if you don’t show up, things will get bad. For both of us.

Forever yours, Nikolai 

Directions were on the other side. It was a block away, and his tone was all too familiar. You could practically hear him speak. One moment his voice would get low and husky and you’d nearly forget what a monster he is. And in the next he’d sing and chime in that insane way he always did. 

Nikolai was a cruel man. So you obeyed. He had already found you, there was no point in trying. You found the building with ease. An ugly abandoned little thing. It reeked of something metallic.

By the time you identified the smell as blood, it was too late. The very first room you entered showed you exactly what Nikolai meant by surprise. 

In front of you was a mutilated corpse of a man who gave you enough money to get yourself water. He had been stabbed repeatedly all across his body. You could see Nikolai doing it. Frantic and laughing as the helpless man begged for it to end. Helpless against the ability user.

You wanted to scream. The old you would’ve been shocked. But by now Nikolai taught you to accept this. And at the sight of your frozen face, Nikolai decided to appear. His face popped out of the space-wrap created by his cloak, standing upside down. Now you yelped, inhaled and exhaled in quick repetition, terrified by his head alone. You were like a bunny in front of a fox.

“Darling!” He exclaimed, smiling so innocently in spite of the corpse behind him, “I’ve missed you!”

“Nikolai, please. Let me go.”

“Let you go? But where would you go?”

Bright, yellow light illuminated the room. He was holding you now, fully present within the room. Gloved hands warm as they cupped your face, his palms on your cheeks. You were too scared to move. Eyes watery with tears you desperately tried to keep. 

He said your name, mumbled it like a secret. A confession only him and you could hear. “(y/n), where would you go? Don’t you know you only have me?” 

Why did he have to look so sad when he hurt you? At the start that was what broke you first. The guilt and sorrow in his eyes as he simply kept going. There was no end to it. Nikolai didn’t know when to stop.

“Please,” you mouthed. 

“Oh, stop that.” He was cold now. Just like that, in an instant, his mood turned sour. Face stoic and empty. “This is your fault, isn’t it? Don’t beg me now. It makes you look pathetic.”

His starry eye glinted in the dim light of the building. Deep and endless, beautiful. He was beautiful. 

“There’s more to see, ptichka.”

Nikolai had moved out of the way, pulling his cloak to the side as you noticed the staircase leading up. Somehow you already knew what you’d see. There was a corpse right next you here, of course there would be more. Nikolai never bothered with mercy or reason. What’s a few more lives that he can throw on your coincense?

You were frozen in terror, reluctant to move. But then Nikolai leaned in, whispering to you; “They were so nice, weren’t they?.” He laughed, “There’s more upstairs.” 

“What do you- What do you mean?”

Darkness and light and then he’s gone. His demonic cackle echoing. 

You knew better than to trust him. You paid for trusting him by giving away your life. Captured by a psychopath who cared for nothing but desperation in your eyes. But all his wretched acts had yet to strip you of your humanity. You thought of that woman’s old wrinkled face, her warm smile and the way her skin was littered with moles and deep blue veins. She saw you, a dirty and lost thing, and she helped you.

And Nikolai killed her. Hung her up by a rope and ended her misery. 

“Isn’t that ugly? Yuck! I hate old people.”

Your voice was weak, “How could you?”

He sat atop a pile of crates and boxes, illuminated by a green light bulb. White cloak and suit dirtied by blood and mud. You could see hand prints on his cloak, palms soaked in blood as they clung to him. No doubt begging to stay alive. 

“Y’know when I heard she gave you bread I was sure it’d be deadly or something! I mean, don’t old things attract old things? Yuck, just imagine it. The old hag might’ve given my little sparrow stale bread! I simply had to punish her for that possibility alone. You understand, don’t you?”

You were still staring at her. She must’ve had grandchildren, a daughter or son, maybe there was someone taking care of her. And now she’s gone. Because she was kind to you.

Nikolai was displeased by your lack of reaction. He sighed dramatically, chin resting in his palm as he simply observed you. “Hmm, I suppose it takes a grand trick to make you smile.”

“I’ll go back with you. Please, no more tricks.”

“Oh, my darling, it’s too late for that. Why would I trust a fucking idiot who can’t even see how good she has it with me?”

And then he took your hand in his, ability melting into your flesh as you watched your entire limb disappear. Sometimes you swear Nikolai laughed on beat with circus music. 

“Such a cute face. I forget how pretty you can get,” his hand intertwined with yours, fingers meeting and tangling, “when you’re utterly terrified.”

A bone snapped. You screamed, fell to the ground, tried to pull your hand away despite knowing it’s worthless. Nikolai had snapped one of your fingers. You heard the bone. 

What a chilling scene this was. Nikolai the jester, you his assistant, and the hanging woman between you was the audience. 

There were tears on your face, the pain being too much. Nikolai’s ability terrified you. He could be standing there, harmless. And then his cloak covered his face and you felt his tongue on your skin. Lips meeting yours once he had tasted your tears. He bit you hard, and then he was gone. Leaving nothing but the taste of blood on your tongue.

“You know, I was really, really, really, hurt when I saw you were gone. Don’t you know you can’t fly, silly? I took your wings, remember? I took everything from you. Don’t you just absolutely hate that? Oh, do you hate me too then? I’d hate it if you hated me! But you don't, right? Or maybe you escaped because you do. But that’d make me sad. Ahh, just thinking about why you’d do this makes me confused! C’mon birde, say it isn’t so. You don’t hate me right?”

He was a lunatic. His words were insane. But your hand was back and your arm still stung and your lip throbbed in sharp pain and the woman’s body circled about until her ugly dead eyes found yours and vomit fought to bubble out of your throat. 

“I hate you,” you cried out silently. You were sick of it. You wanted to die. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you,” You chanted. With every chant you broke his heart, hoping he’d use the shattered pieces on your throat, arms, and legs. Cut you up and destroy you. Give you some sort of release, an end to the misery.

“You’re boring.” 

His face was cold as he approached you. No smile nor taunt to be offered. And then his fist met yours, body seated atop your abdomen as he kept punching and punching. Your nose cracked, your jaw, your tongue. It all bled and stung and you swore you could see stars. The floor was coated in your blood.“You hate me, do you? You hate this, right? Because that’s what I do right? I hurt you and I’m horrible, right?” He spat at you. Saliva mixing with tears and blood, falling down your swollen face. You couldn’t speak. “I would’ve let you off this once. Maybe you’re just stupid, I’m fine with that. I like you stupid. Ah, but now I have to be mean.”

[reluctantjoe]

‘Baddies are my new type’: Mathew Baynton on Ghosts, Wonka and wicked villains

He is about to say goodbye to his role in beloved spectral sitcom Ghosts. But dastardly turns in Wonka and the a festive Agatha Christie drama suggest the actor’s future is bright – if somewhat nefarious

“I feel like I’m moving into really wanky territory now,” says Mathew Baynton, looking a little anxious. We are talking about Ghosts, the much-loved comedy about a gaggle of spirits consigned to spend the afterlife in a crumbling country mansion, which Baynton co-writes and in which he plays a deceased Regency poet. After a triumphant five seasons, Ghosts officially breathed its last in October – except there’s now a Christmas episode on its way. (Last year’s Christmas special drew 5.9 million viewers, making it the BBC’s biggest comedy of 2022.)

When I ask Baynton what it is about Ghosts that struck a chord with viewers, he worries he might sound pretentious. “But here goes,” he says. “I have learned that, as a writer, you don’t always know what you’re writing. There are the quite boring times where you have an idea and it comes out as you imagined, and there’s no mystery in that process. But when it’s exciting, you have an idea and it leads you to places you don’t expect.”

With Ghosts, he and his co-writers initially imagined hundreds of spirits haunting Button House, which would have allowed them to tell different stories with a new set of characters each week. “But when we looked at the taster tape we made, we all went: ‘Hang on, there’s something much richer here,’” Baynton continues. “We realised it was a show about people being stuck together, potentially in eternity, and how they find ways to get along. All of which is to say that I’m enamoured with Ghosts too because, right from the get-go, we had absolutely no idea what it would become.”

Baynton, who is 43, is talking from his study at home in north London where he lives with his partner, the film historian and film-maker Kelly Robinson, and their two children. He is self-effacing and thoughtful, choosing his words carefully and, at intervals, wondering if he could be expressing himself better. “I think it’s partly the writer in me,” he says, “but I do come away from conversations thinking how I’d like to rewrite things I’ve said.”

As an actor, Baynton has cornered the market in ultra-sensitive men who walk a fine line between pathos and silliness. Along with his lovelorn poet in Ghosts, there was his turn as a Victorian psychiatrist in 2017’s Quacks, who masterminds a new treatment for patients called “talking”; his lute-playing bard in the 2015 film Bill, about the early life of Shakespeare (“London is not going to know what hit it!”); and good Samaritan Sam in The Wrong Mans (2013-14), which he co-wrote and starred in alongside James Corden.

But this winter heralds a new set of projects that Baynton has dubbed “my Christmas of villainy”. In Murder Is Easy, based on the Agatha Christie novel about a spate of killings in a sleepy English village, he plays a doctor who, he says, “is an awful person with some very awful views”. Next year brings A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder, based on Holly Jackson’s bestselling YA novel, in which a young true-crime enthusiast investigates a five-year-old murder case; Baynton can’t reveal too much, although he confirms his character is a far cry from the puppy-eyed romantics for which he is known. And in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory prequel, Wonka, released in cinemas earlier this month, he plays the devious Fickelgruber, Wonka’s Brylcreemed rival in the confectionery business.

Baynton can’t account for this sudden pivot into treachery beyond the fact that “a few [casting directors] had the same idea at the same time … Acting is strange like that. You do one notable thing early on and you are put on a track that for 10 years that can be hard to get off. Perhaps baddies are my new type.”

Wonka was co-written by his friend and Ghosts compadre Simon Farnaby (who also co-wrote Paddington 2) and was filmed at Warner Bros Studios in Hertfordshire. For Baynton, it “felt like you were with the same kids but in a plush playground … Even though you’re working with this huge Hollywood star [Timothée Chalamet, who plays Wonka] and you’re on a set that probably cost the same as an entire series of Ghosts, it’s still a comedy with a big heart, so for me it felt like home.”

Baynton and Farnaby first came together on the set of Horrible Histories, the anarchic children’s sketch show that recreated history’s most ludicrous and bloodthirsty moments, alongside Martha Howe-Douglas, Jim Howick, Laurence Rickard and Ben Willbond. Shortly after it finished its decade-long run, the six of them wrote the madcap puppet comedy Yonderland, largely because “we couldn’t bear that we weren’t going to get together for more mucking about in front of the camera”. This was followed by Bill, and, four years later, Ghosts. They have even given themselves the collective name Them There, mostly for production credits, though “no one actually calls us that”. Aren’t they more Britcom’s answer to the Brat Pack? “I don’t know about that,” Baynton says, bashfully, “though it depends on which of them you think I am.”

The youngest of three children, Baynton grew up in Southend on a diet of sea air and his dad’s Monty Python cassettes. He reckons being lowest in the pecking order at home contributed to his desire to perform and be noticed. In his teens, he went through a morose period during which he was overtaken by self-consciousness, but then he discovered theatre via a production of Bruno Schulz’s The Street of Crocodiles by Theatre de Complicité “which moved me to tears in ways I couldn’t understand and ignited something in me. I knew I wanted to be in that world in some way.”

Baynton went on to drama school, where he studied directing, but when he got there he realised acting was his calling. He spent a summer as assistant to Cal McCrystal, then director of the physical theatre group Peepolykus, who pushed him to join in with improv games. Later he went to Paris to study under the renowned clown Philippe Gaulier, which cemented his love of slapstick. Upon returning home, McCrystal gave him his first break on the stage in a production of Joe Orton’s Loot.

But it was Horrible Histories that really opened doors for Baynton, both as an actor and writer. On being offered the job, he nearly turned it down, fearing that he might get stuck doing nothing but children’s TV, but his agent persuaded him to take the job by telling him: “No one will see it.” In a talk last year at the Oxford Union, Baynton remarked how, were they making it today, they would do certain things differently, such as not using white actors in tanning makeup to portray Egyptians.

“I think it’s important that we examine where the line is [around portrayals of other cultures],” he says now. “It’s a murky area where intention sometimes doesn’t match reception. Certainly, no one had bad intentions making Horrible Histories and none of us at that time, in the culture as it was, hesitated and thought: ‘Hang on, maybe I shouldn’t play an Egyptian.’ But times have changed and I would hesitate now.”

If the odd Horrible Histories sketch hasn’t aged well, it is worth observing the sensitivity and inclusivity that runs through Ghosts. Baynton notes how throwing together characters from different historical periods allowed them to “highlight wrongful attitudes and interrogate how they had arrived at them. At one point, there’s a gay wedding at Button House and [the ghost of] Lady Button is appalled and goes on this journey in which she faces her own homophobia. When we were writing that story, it felt like I was having a conversation with my homophobic nan.”

Baynton is content moving between acting and writing, not least because “if I’m between acting jobs, it means I get to dream up new projects for myself and my friends”. Keen to avoid any signs of egotism as his career soars, Baynton keeps his feet on the ground by recalling the “pure dystopian hell” of his time as a school leaver working in a call centre. There, every second of the day was monitored and he was once upbraided by a manager for taking too many toilet breaks. “So when I’m on set in a scratchy costume or I’m feeling a bit tired and thinking what a terrible time I’m having,” he says, “I remember that time, and what a privilege it is do what I do.”

[humanpurposes]

Just for a moment, part iii

Tom Bennett has a habit of climbing through her bedroom window whenever he's in trouble // Main Masterlist

Tom Bennett x OFC

Warnings: 18+, mentions of war and death, friends to lovers, angst, fluff, smut, Tom Bennett's daddy issues

Words: 5400

A/n: Also available to read on AO3.

Monday 27th May, 1940

The morning starts off with a miserable drizzle. Kitty watches the grey fade to warmth through her shift, until the early evening sun shines brightly through the wide windows of the shop.

The month of May has very much been the same, cold and wet at first, but the weather has been clearing up nicely. Dad is devoted to the garden now, digging up the grass and planting vegetables in every free space he can. It’s on posters all over the shop: Dig For Victory. Live off spuds and SPAM when the rations run out.

Life feels mechanical; most days she doesn’t feel like a real person at all. All week she stands behind the counter, exchanging coupons for pitiful amounts of tea and sugar, stocking up the rack of newspapers and skimming over whatever horrors the headlines are screaming about that day. When she gets home, she pulls together some kind of dinner from what food they have while dad sits by the wireless. When mam gets home from the munitions factory, they gather around the table and eat in silence.

The house is so quiet without the boys. The only time it feels a little lively is when they get a letter from one of them, but they aren’t very consistent, especially considering there’s three of them.

Every so often, she gets a letter from Tom Bennett, but she tends to keep those to herself.

Her life has become a waiting game, she realises, existing between brief moments of happiness with nothing but her memories to entertain herself. She finds herself thinking about Tom an awful lot. It’s not so bad during the day when she has something to do, but when she lies alone at night, her mind can wander. She still leaves her window unlocked and huddles close to the wall because maybe— just maybe, he’ll come through the window and fill the space beside her.

Once she’s packed up the register and put up the shutters, she waves goodbye to Mr Gregory and leaves him to lock the door.

She runs into the postman at the top of Slade Grove. She feels slightly less guilty for not remembering his name when he greets her as “Catherine.” It’s what her teachers at school used to call her, and it’s what mam calls her when she’s in a particularly foul mood. Now it just puts her on edge.

“Can I give these to you now?” he says, handing her a stack of three envelopes. “Saves me a house later on.”

She flicks through them as she carries on walking. Two are addressed to Michael Wheelan and they look boring, letters from the bank or something official, but upon seeing the third she stops and smiles.

Miss Catherine Wheelan 28 Slade Grove Longsight, Manchester United Kingdom

It’s written in Tom’s handwriting.

She tears it open immediately, her eyes flickering between the page and the street ahead, weaving through any passersby.

Dear Kitty,

Sorry it’s been a while since the last one. Morale hasn’t been the best to be honest. Do you know what they’re calling the last eight months now? “The phoney war”. Apparently things are only going to get worse from here, not that it’ll help your nerves.

Thanks for checking up on dad for me. I do worry about him being on his own, with Lois being away and all. I wonder if she’ll be back yet by the time you get this. Have you heard much from your lads? I hope they’re doing alright.

You’ll be pleased to know I haven’t been picking as many fights, but sure you know me, sometimes I can’t help myself. I’ve been reading over what you said. I know it’s not helpful, I know it’s stupid, but then I’ve never been one to think things through, have I? I suppose that’s not much of an excuse. It’s instinctive. It’s like my head tells me what I’m doing is wrong, but I don’t know what else to do.

And we could die any day. Kitty, the state I’ve seen some of these men in…

The writing becomes crooked and trails off, ending with a smudge of ink.

Maybe I should write about something less depressing? Did I tell you about this gorgeous bird I met at Port Stanley?

Kitty’s heart drops.

Beautiful thing she is. The moment I saw her I knew I had to have her, so I stowed her away and brought her on board with me. She whistles a lot, and she has these lovely yellow feathers that really brighten up the bunk. She’s a noisy eater though, munches on seeds like she’ll never eat again. I’ve named her Vera.

I can see the look on your face now. Don’t worry, pretty Kitty, there’s no other bird that could ever replace you.

“Charming,” she mutters to herself.

I think I quite like these letters really, it’s nice to give myself a moment to think, even if I can’t hear from you straight away. That’s when I miss you the most, right after I’ve sealed the envelope and written your address. I hate the waiting.

She glances up, seeing she’s only a few doors down from her house.

I should have leave coming up soon. I’m looking forward to putting my legs on dry land and sleeping on a proper mattress…

She checks the top of the page. The letter is dated from weeks ago. “Soon” could mean anything.

… and the odd late-night tryst to see my fancy woman at number 28.

She scoffs a small laugh.

I bet you’d slap me for that. God I hope your mum doesn’t get her hands on this before you. Ey up Mrs Wheelan, see what I meant was, your Kitty’s a very well-mannered lady.

She purses her lips in an attempt not to laugh, coming to stop before her own front door.

Take care of yourself Kitty. Don’t spend too much time fretting over me.

Your dear friend,

Tom Bennett

Her smile fades quickly— why shouldn’t she worry about him?

It’s always the same with letters from Tom. Her heart leaps and for a few brief moments she feels so bright, just to have some kind of news from him. She could read pages and pages of his stupid ramblings and his moments of sincerity, but then it’s over all too soon. He signs off as her dear friend, then suddenly the words on the page are no longer new, and he’s still thousands of miles away, picking fights with his crewmates and launching shells at German ships.

The days pass slowly, but when she stops and looks back, the eight months have felt like nothing. Her life is flying past her and she hardly even notices, too caught up in the memory of those nights in September.

All for him to call her his fancy woman and feed her jokes about birds.

She knows better than to get her hopes up with Tom; she’s seen him go through every crush he’s ever had. He used to go through phases of ditching her for whichever sweetheart he was entertaining at the time, only to come crawling back to her when he’d inevitably cock it all up. Because he’s Tom Bennett, and he can’t help but make a mess of everything.

And like a good friend, she always kept her window unlocked for him, always held him when he needed it and did her best to set him straight. Because that’s what friends are supposed to do, surely, and he never said they were more.

Is that truly all she is to him? A dear friend, a listening ear and a convenient shag.

She rubs her fingers over her eyes because she will not cry over Tom Bennett. With the letter back in its envelope, she puts it into her bag and tries to find her keys, when she notices the smell of cigarette smoke. It’s hardly a rarity, but it makes her think of him.

For whatever reason, she glances over her shoulder at number 27. Low and behold, she sees a man with a cocky smile in a tight, white t-shirt, leaning in the doorway, lowering a cigarette from his mouth.

“Alright, pretty Kitty?” Tom says. “Was waiting for you to notice me–”

Suddenly she’s flying across the street and flinging her arms around his neck. She stands on her tiptoes to put her head over his shoulder and he leans into her, holding one arm over her back and one around her waist.

She closes her eyes. His breath is hot against her neck. He is here. He is real. He is more than a memory or words on a page.

Tom presses a soft kiss to her temple and she feels him smiling against her skin. “Take it you missed me then?”

She pulls away, holding back the urge to cry again, hardly able to catch her breath. This close, she can see every detail of him this close, the texture of his skin, the lines around his mouth and brows, the circles under his eyes, the scruff along the sides of his jaw, the little cleft on the tip of his nose. “Maybe a little bit,” she says.

She gives a little yelp of surprise when she feels him pulling her into the house. He closes the door behind them and then her back is against the wall, her handbag dropped by her feet.

Tom shrugs her coat from her shoulders before he surges in to kiss her, fiercely, desperately. Their bodies are tangled in one another, her hands in his hair, his tracing over the curves of her body through her dress.

And then he moves away. She tries to follow him only to realise he’s smirking.

“Missed me just a little bit?” he teases.

She wants to roll her eyes, but she just smiles. “Quite a bit.”

He drags his thumb over her lower lip, pulling it down to watch it come back into place.

Kitty huffs impatiently as she nudges her nose up into his.

Their eyes meet and the anticipation lasts a lifetime.

Tom hums as he leans in to kiss her again, slower and deeper, pressing her a little further into the wall by the firm hold on her waist.

“Missed you,” he utters between kisses, “so fucking much.”

She runs her hands over every part of him she can reach, his neck, the sharp line of his jaw, over his ears and into his hair.

“How long have you been back?” she breathes.

“Since this morning,” he says, coming to kiss her neck, the spot he knows will have her back arching against him.

“You didn’t come to the shop,” she says.

“Wanted to wait for you.”

She glances down the hallway, to the seemingly empty kitchen.

Tom huffs and pulls away from her, leaning with one hand against the wall. “Dad’s flogging his paper. Lois is out. Empty house for a few hours.”

She turns her head back to face him, pleased at the flush in his cheeks and the mess she’s made of his hair.

Tom’s eyes look down to her waist, where he presses his thumb into the fabric of her dress. “Come upstairs,” he says lowly, “I want to fuck you properly.”

She nods mindlessly, closing her hand around his as he leads her up the stairs, to a bedroom with two single beds, separated by a curtain. The room is about the same size as the boys’ bedroom in her house, but with only two beds, there’s enough space for two separate wardrobes. Her brothers make do with sharing everything.

Nothing about the room denotes Tom Bennett, not the floral wallpaper or the knitted throws on the beds. Not the books, perfume bottles and silver candelabras on the mantle, and certainly not the lingering scent of hairspray.

He leads her to the bed furthest from the door. She follows the stream of sunlight coming in from the window, and then she notices the details that are his. The ashtray and the empty beer bottle on the bedside table, the ditty bag and the pairs of boots at the foot of the bed, and the sailor’s hat left on the floor by the wardrobe.

The door closes and his footsteps tread softly behind her. His hands snake around her waist and turn her to face him.

She places her hands on his chest, running her hands over his torso, mapping his body through the soft cotton t-shirt. He feels firmer than he used to, a consequence of loading shells into guns and living off rations. She feels along his arms too, over muscles, veins, tendons and the scar below his bicep.

Tom presses a kiss to her forehead before he starts to undo the buttons on the front of her dress. A familiar restlessness rises in her belly, and suddenly she thinks she can’t bear to wait another moment. With the buttons undone, she puts her hands over Tom’s as he slides the dress down to the floor, along with her stockings and quickly slips out of her shoes.

She wastes no time unclasping her brassiere and muffles Tom’s awestruck groan by pressing her lips to his.

Somehow he manages to rid himself of his t-shirt and slacks without parting from her for too long, and he guides them both to the bed. She giggles as he lands on top of her and the metal bedframe squeaks.

“Now,” Tom says, pressing a delicate kiss to her neck. “Don’t have to worry about being quiet like we usually do, do we?”

“No…” Kitty breathes as he moves down, dragging his lips and tongue down her body. When he comes to her breasts, he cups one with his hand, and takes the other nipple in his mouth. Her head rolls back against the pillows but she brings her eyes back to him. She wants to cling to every moment, every sensation, all the movements of his tongue against her skin and his hair falling in front of his face.

“Eight fucking months,” he half growls as he moves further down, kissing along her stomach and running his hands over her hips. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

She instinctively bites her lip when he ghosts his lips over her clothed cunt.

He tuts. “Don’t hold back on me now, sweetheart. I want to hear how much you missed me,” he says, curling his fingers around the hem of her underclothes before dragging them along her legs, leaving them somewhere on the floor.

He trails teasing kisses along her thighs. She squirms and whines every time he edges closer to her centre, until finally, he drags his tongue through her folds, from her entrance, up to her pearl with a deliciously agonising pressure. She doesn’t hold back the moans that sound in her throat, curling her fists through the bedsheets.

He works over her pearl with his tongue and lips, groaning against her as he does it and squeezing his fingertips into the flesh of her thighs.

It’s been so long since she’s felt like this, even on the nights when she felt herself getting too desperate, she can never quite match the feeling.

In a way it infuriates her that he can make her feel so good, but what’s worse than that is that he knows it. She can see his smug, half smile as he mouths at her cunt, so pleased at the noises she makes and the way her hips are starting to move against him.

She curls in on herself as her peak washes over her, but he manages to hold her down, right where he wants her, and keeps going until her whole body shudders and her legs are quivering.

“Fuck,” she breathes, “Tom…”

Even then he doesn’t give her much of a reprieve. He moves back for a moment before he positions her legs over his shoulders. His tongue is against her again, only now he moves lower, teasing over her entrance.

She whines impatiently.

“Fucking greedy, aren’t you?” Tom chuckles. He licks over her again— too much and not enough. “Just take it, take what I give you.”

But it doesn’t take long for him to slip his tongue inside her while his nose nudges against her. His name is a dreamy chant on her lips now. The pleasure rises and burns until she’s sure she can’t take anymore. She threads her fingers into his hair, gripping at it, urging him on, just a little more, and she’s sure she’ll fall apart.

Then he’s gone without warning, but he soon compensates the loss by replacing his tongue with a single finger.

Tom gazes up at her through his lashes. He keeps his eyes on her face as he pushes inside of her, deeper, deeper, until she takes a sharp intake of breath when he finds her sweet spot.

“Give me another one,” he groans, lowering his head down to circle his tongue over her. “Come on, pretty Kitty.”

She follows it like a command. Her second peak is sharper than the first and has her gasping for breath as she feels herself come undone around him.

“There you go,” Tom grins as he brings her legs from his shoulders and starts to make his way up her body.

He props himself over her, one hand on either side of her head. His silver chain, usually hidden below his shirt, dangles in front of her as their eyes meet. They breathe together, chests rising and falling in perfect unison.

He hesitates for a moment, before he places a lazy kiss to her lips. “God,” he utters, “you’re so fucking gorgeous, do you know that?”

“Just keep saying it,” she says.

He takes one of her hands and guides it down to his briefs. She traces her fingers over the hem before she slides underneath and wraps them around his already hard cock.

“Fuck—” Tom hisses through his teeth, his brow furrowed and his jaw tight. He reaches for the bedside table and hands her a condom. “Do the honours for me,” he grins.

She tears it open and reaches back down to slide it along his length.

Slowly, he lets his weight fall against her as he slides inside of her, burying his face into her neck and letting out a shaky breath against her skin.

She brings her arms around his shoulders as he rocks into her, gently at first, but she can feel that it’s not enough. His breaths are getting sharper and his thrusts harsher as he whimpers into her neck.

She holds him as tightly as she can, hoping it will somehow soothe the ache in her heart, because she still feels the absence of the last eight months. Because she can already feel the time slipping away.

Tom withdraws from her neck. “Look at me,” he pleads.

She does, and he brings his forehead to hers. His nose presses into hers and their lips barely brush over each other.

“You feel so good,” he says. His expression fades into something darker and more determined as he fucks her harder and faster, “so fucking tight.”

She feels it too, the urgency to make up for the time and the distance with a carnal need.

They reach their climaxes together, moaning into each other’s mouths and keeping their bodies tight together. It never feels close enough.

Once they’ve caught their breath and they feel their desire mounting again, Tom lies back on the bed and brings her to straddle him.

While the position isn’t unfamiliar, the movements are, but she’s eager enough, gauging both of their reactions as she grinds her hips against his. She goes slowly, at first, bracing herself against him while Tom keeps hold of her waist to guide her movements.

“Nice and slow, just like that,” he whispers, gazing up at her with a slight smile, “show me how much you missed me.”

She doesn’t care how the bed creaks under them, that she’s breathing and moaning too loudly. There’s something freeing and unashamed about how they fuck. Seeing Tom’s face twisted in pleasure and hearing his needy whines as he starts to buck his hips to match her movements.

And when another climax tears through her, she wishes she could drag the moment out forever.

Tom takes her in his arms as they collapse back on the bed.

She feels like she’s dreaming, not quite awake but still aware of whose arms are cradled around her, whose heartbeat she feels against her ear, who reaches for a packet of cigarettes and flicks his lighter.

They talk about things they’ve already discussed over letters, the bloody war and all the misery that comes with it. Life in Longsight seems dull in comparison to Tom’s tales of sea battles and antics on board the Exeter. But even in the middle of the Atlantic, in the midst of a war that’s consuming the whole world, he still found time to wind everybody up. She can’t tell if she hates him or admires him for it.

There’s something different about him. Where he used to sound so cocksure and carefree, his voice is duller.

Tucked under his shoulder, she shifts her head to get a better look at him, propped up against the pillows, taking drags from his cigarette, pouting his lips as he exhales the smoke and tapping the ash into the tray. Her eyes tell her it’s the same person, the same jaw, the same nose, the same lips, the same shade of blue in his eyes.

No… he looks different in the way his face falls. He seems less smug than he used to be. He seems tired, older, colder.

Of course he’s different, how could he not be? The war has reached every corner of the world, but he’s been in the thick of it.

“Your dad must be glad to have you back,” she says quietly.

Tom’s body tenses underneath her. He brings his cigarette to his lips again, giving a little irritated huff as he exhales. She wonders if that’s a thread she should avoid tugging on, but it already seems to be unraveling. He reaches to stub the cigarette out in the ashtray.

“I didn’t want to go back,” he mutters, his expression stern and sad. “I thought I was doing the right thing by going. I’ve spent enough of my life making a mess of everything, I thought if I did something good then…” he glances down at her, then shakes his head. “But I was so fucking scared—” his voice breaks his eyes are glistening.

Kitty sits up and clenches her hand around his. He’s trembling.

“You’re alright,” she says, softly, “you’re alright.”

He breathes quickly and she can feel his heart thundering in his chest. His descriptions of the attacks on the Exeter and the aftermaths had been brief, which she thought must have been a way to protect her from it on his part. Maybe he didn’t want it in writing, maybe he didn’t want to think about it once he had lived it, to be surrounded by fire, smoke and death at every turn.

“I thought dad would help me. I told him I didn’t want to go back, I thought he could help me somehow.”

“And what did he say?”

His nostrils flare as he huffs again. “He thinks it’ll be a bad look for the movement. He doesn’t think I’m genuine.”

Kitty strokes her thumb over his knuckles and his fingers tighten around hers.

“For a moment I thought he’d be pleased,” he says, his voice thick and coarse, “just for a moment.

She breathes through the tight feeling in her chest. “Maybe if you spoke to him again—”

“No,” he says bitterly. “Made up his mind now. Sure, what does it matter either way? I’m not much use here.”

The light feeling in her limbs is starting to fade. She feels solid and heavy where her body meet the mattress.

“Your dad needs you,” Kitty says, “and Lois.”

He scoffs.

“Don’t tell me you’re upset with her too?”

Tom frowns. “Stupid fucking mistake. What does she think she’s going to do now?”

“She told you then?”

“She sent a letter.”

Lois had called in a few weeks ago to tell them the news. Mam already had her suspicions, even though Lois was barely showing. She and dad were horrified, but of course they didn’t make that clear until after she had left. “A baby on the way and no husband, for shame.”

“She knows it was stupid, but she’s not asking anyone else to deal with the consequences,” Kitty says.

“All because she wanted to mess around with some posh boy.”

Kitty swallows down the dry feeling in her throat. “I don’t think what she did was much different to me and you.”

Tom looks down at her with wide eyes. “Me and you are different,” he says.

“How so?”

His lips shift, like he might say something, but he doesn’t. “I don’t know, I thought Lois was more sensible than this.”

“She’s certainly not done herself any favours, but you won’t help by being angry at her.”

“But she’s always been the responsible one, you know?”

“That’s not fair, Tom, she’s your sister not your mother.”

Tom stares up at the ceiling with his lips parted. “No… I suppose not.”

He turns his head into her. “I should never have gone in the first place.”

There’s lots of things that she thinks she would want to change. Sometimes she wishes Tom wasn’t so reckless and impulsive. She wishes he’d find an interest that wouldn’t end him up in trouble with the police. She wishes he really was a pacifist, and that way he would be here, and the only thing separating them would be a single street and two windows. It hurts to think of what could have been.

But those things cannot be changed, and even then, he wouldn’t be him. He wouldn’t be the Tom Bennett she’s adored for as long as she’s had memories of him.

She shifts against him, hooking her arm over her chest and her leg over his hips. “I know things are hard,” she says. “Just don’t leave them on a bade note. You’ll regret it if you do.”

They don’t speak for a while. The evening drags on, the sun dips lower in the sky, voices and the shouts of children sound from the street and Kitty is content lie beside him, listening to his heartbeat and his slow, controlled breaths, while he plays with her hair.

“I love you,” he breathes, so softly she thinks it might be a voice in her head. “When we got hit, it was all I could think about. That I might die then and there, and you’d never know.”

She feels her mouth break into a smile. “You love me?”

“Oh leave off, I’ve said it now,” he says with a grin.

They dress and he leads her downstairs to the kitchen. While he fusses with the kettle, Kitty takes a seat at the table.

“You’ve not met Vera yet,” Tom says over his shoulder, nodding at the small birdcage on the table. Inside, a little, yellow canary with black, beady eyes tilts her head and chirps.

“Hello, Vera,” Kitty says.

Vera chirps back.

Tom turns back around with a single cup of tea and a plate of toast. “Have to be stingy with the butter and milk, obviously,” he says setting them in front of her.

“Oh,” she says, “no, I won’t have any, don’t waste your rations on me.”

Tom angles his brows at her. “It’s not a waste.” He takes a seat in the chair opposite and lights a cigarette. “Come on, you’ve been on your feet all day.”

She hesitates before she reaches for the milk, spilling the smallest dash she can manage into the cup and skipping the sugar. Then she takes a cut of butter no larger than her thumbnail and spreads it across the toast. She takes a few tentative bites, ushering some back to him and tearing off a few crumbs to feed to Vera. Even the most mundane parts of life have become luxuries now.

“How long are you back for?” she asks.

“A week.”

“And then?”

“Off to Dover. They’ve got some big operation planned.”

“And will you be back after that?”

He draws his tongue between his lips. “I don’t know.”

Before long, the front door unlocks and Lois’ heels click through the hallways as she comes into the kitchen. “Dad not back yet?” she says, tossing her coat over the banister. She stops at the head of the table and looks between the two of them. She’s holding a brown paper bag. “Hello, Kitty. I’ve just been in to see your mum.”

“Oh she’ll be wondering where I am,” Kitty says, glancing across to Tom.

His chin is tilted down, and he looks up at her through the smoke with pleading eyes, like an injured puppy.

“Tell ‘em the Gregorys invited you up for tea,” Lois shrugs. She reaches into the bag and pulls out tiny pieces of clothing that are vaguely familiar to Kitty. “For the baby,” she says. “Thank God your mum kept all your old stuff.”

“Make do and all that,” Kitty says, briefly catching Tom’s eye.

She downs her tea and hurries to the hallway. Tom had left her coat over a sofa in the front room, and her bag is still on the floor. She tuts at his carelessness and shouts a farewell to Lois as Tom comes to see her to the door.

“Thanks for stopping by,” he says formally, with the corners of his mouth curled.

“Of course,” she replies, peering round his shoulder to see if Lois can see them.

Tom looks round too and smiles back at her as he leans into her ear. “A pleasure, as always, pretty Kitty.” He catches her lips in a quick peck before he opens the door for her.

She hurries across the street and finds her keys in her handbag. Before she opens her own door, she looks back to number 27. The glow of the spring evening beams off the red bricks of the houses and Tom looks golden, watching her through the haze of smoke from his cigarette.

It’s like before, all those months ago, before he first went away.

Each night, Tom steals into her bedroom. They kiss as quietly as they undress each other and set themselves down on her bed.

It gets more unbearable with every day that goes by. Each hour is an hour closer to carrying on with her life without him, when he’ll become another person to wait for, another reason why she wants this war to end.

On their last night, he fucks her from behind, keeping her mouth covered and muffling his own sounds in the crook of her neck. His breath and the hold on her mouth only makes her more desperate.

If anything, that first evening has ruined her, going back to gentle lovemaking is excruciating.

She quietly pleads for “more… more…”

Tom clamps his hand tighter around her mouth. “No, no, no, be a good girl,” he whispers harshly, “just be a good girl for me, Kitty.”

Once they’re both too tired to carry on, he wraps his arms around her. He tells her he loves her, and she says it back.

Dover is closer than the Atlantic at least, but the distance is all the same. He’ll still be gone.

She watches him as he dresses and follows him to the window. Before he leaves, he kisses her, deeply and desperately, pulling her still bare body against him.

When they move away for breath she gazes into his eyes. She could never forget them, the storm of blue and grey rings around his pupil, but he already feels like a memory, something intangible, there but not quite.

He presses a kiss to her forehead and his lips linger there. “When I get my next leave, I’ll come straight to you,” he says.

She doesn’t doubt it’s a promise he’ll keep. Tom Bennett doesn’t often make promises to her, but so far, he’s never broken one.

Tags (comment to be added to either)

General taglist: @randomdragonfires @jamespotterismydaddy @theoneeyedprince @tsujifreya

Series taglist: @hanula18 @azxulaa @whoknows333

[bullet-prooflove]

Sunflowers: Brendon Acres x Reader

Tagging @kmc1989

Companion piece to Lifeline

You don’t make much money working for the FBI. They pay you a modest stripe end, one that parallels how much it would cost to house you in the penal system. It’s just enough to afford a shitty apartment in an even shittier part of town. When you factor in transport, utilities and food, there’s barely enough cash left over to purchase art supplies, let alone any luxuries. It makes things harder when Brendon’s birthday comes around. He’s a man of wealth, of means and you barely have two dollars in your purse to rub together.

It shouldn’t matter but it does.

Brendon was the first person who showed you any kindness when you agreed to work for the FBI, he treated you like a human being, saw you for who you are. It was him that lobbied for you to consult with Special Investigations because you were dying out there in Art Crimes under Henderson’s control. Brendon had given you back a part of yourself you thought you’d lost, he’d shown you a different path and you will forever be grateful for that.

It’s your dress that helps you figure it out, the black one with the yellow sunflowers. You’d picked it up at a thrift store a couple of days before, it’s in surprisingly good condition. It’s insane that you used to spend thousands of dollars on clothes in your previous life and now you’re trying to work out if you can make a twenty stretch.

You’re sitting at your desk when Brendon sets a mug of coffee down in front of you. He takes up his usual perch on the corner as you tidy away the pictures of the Degas you’ve been studying. It’s a fake, you can see it even without seeing the piece of art up close.

“I’ve always loved sunflowers.” He tells you, his fingertips brushing over the fabric of your sleeve. “The problem is I’m allergic to them, I break out in hives if I’m anywhere even close to one.”

“What do you like about them?” You had asked him and he’d given you that smile and a half-hearted shrug.

“They just make me happy.” He tells you, you can see the truth of it in his eyes. It’s such a silly little thing but the fact he’s chosen to share it with you, speaks volumes. “They’re fun, colourful, they make me think of brighter days. I think that’s why I’m smiling so much this morning, your dress…”

He trails off, his gaze slipping down to his coffee mug as his cheeks flush pink.

“Maybe I’ll try to wear it more often.” You tease and he laughs at that. It’s such a rich, vibrant sound and it lights up something inside of you.

You like this man, really like him.

You haven’t felt like this in a long time.

It takes a few days for you paint the picture. You choose an A5 sized piece of paper because you feel canvas would be too intimate and you aren’t ready to give that much of yourself to someone else. Creating art, it’s a private experience, when you gift it to someone else you’re really handing them a piece of your soul, showing them your true self.

You spend your evenings hunched over the battered desk in your apartment, working to the sound of Vance Joy as you mix your paints. You have a very specific colour pallet in mind. A rich blue that matches the hue of Brendon’s eyes, a vibrant sunshine yellow that contrasts against it. You have a scene in mind from the last time you were in North Dakota, four sunflowers swaying lightly in the breeze alongside the barn your family used to own. It’s the last happy memory you have of that place and you’re giving it to Brendon.

Brendon doesn’t expect to spend his birthday shuttling between LA and Salt Lake City but then again it’s the nature of the job. He’d been looking forward to getting dinner with Simone and Cutty but it’s past midnight by the time he gets into the office. His birthday’s over before he even realises it.

It’s when he collapses into his desk chair that he notices the brown paper envelope sitting on his  desk, his name written in your pretty looped scrawl. He’s intrigued when he picks it up, his fingers breaking the seal eagerly.

He can’t help but smile when he sees the artwork. It’s an original piece, painted by your hand, he’s known you long enough to recognise your style. The bold use of colour, the delicacy of the drawing itself. He thinks he’d know you anywhere.

When he turns over the piece, he studies the words written in dark pencil and something just blossoms in his chest.

Brendon,

May all your days be as bright as sunflowers.

Mona.

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[koushisbabie]

UWU I HONESTLY YOUR WORK SO MUCH this is my first time on this app so I don’t really know much about it ! Thank you for putting so much effort in every post ,can I request sugawara x reader (how he would react when you keep biting your lip out of anxiety until it bleed ,cause lately I have been doing it a lot

Sorry because my English is not very good anyway HAVE A GREAT DAY ❤️❤️

Oh my gosh I am so sorry I completely forgot I got this request. Thank you for requesting a fic, and thank you for the compliment, you are so sweet T_T Comments like this give me the motivation to write more and get more creative with my ideas. In saying that, I hope your anxiety and your lip biting has gotten better <3 I don't know if you're still active on here, but I've written a small drabble (it ended up long haha) here for you! I hope you like it <3

‘Yo, Suga!’

Suga’s head appears from behind the precariously stacked wall of books on the library table. ‘Yes?’

‘Geez, isn’t that overdoing it?’ Asahi chuckles, gesturing to the books.

‘Well, I guess so,’ Suga replies, ‘but exams are only a week away.’ He shuffles aside some of the haphazardly strewn books and papers and pens, giving Asahi and Daichi space to sit down.

‘Where’s Yn?’ Daichi asks, peering around.

‘She’s around,’ Suga replies, ‘I think she went to the bathroom…’

‘I’m right here!’ Yn pops their head around the shelves. ‘I’ve been looking for this damn book for twenty minutes now.’

‘Oh yeah, looks like a long read.’

‘Can’t be helped,’ Yn says, sitting down next to Suga. ‘Tuesday’s exam is going to kick my ass if I don’t absorb this entire book.’

‘Take it easy, Yn,’ Daichi says. ‘You look a little tired, have you been sleeping alright?’

Suga glances at Daichi, then at Yn.

‘Well, yeah, kind of,’ Yn replies, nudging Suga’s arm affectionately. ‘Usually after we call.’

‘Which reminds me, I need to send you the link to this video that explains chapter eight in a bit more detail,’ Suga says absentmindedly. ‘It’s forty five minutes long but there’s some good illustrations in it that highlight how complex–’

‘You guys seem busy,’ Asahi interjects politely. ‘We should be heading off, we’ll tell the others that you’re studying this afternoon.’

‘Oh no, it’s okay,’ Yn says, glancing at their phone. ‘I actually forgot I promised I’d be home to receive a package later.’

‘You’re leaving already?’

‘Sorry,’ Yn says, ‘I’ll call you tonight, though? We can go through the last of these notes together!’

‘Yeah, sure,’ Suga replies, squeezing Yn’s hand before turning back to his notes.

Yn hesitates, before gathering their things and disappearing between the aisles of books.

An awkward silence falls between the friends, before Daichi pipes up.

‘Hey, Suga, did you see how red Yn’s lips were?’

Suga looks up from his notes, his pen paused above the paper. ‘You noticed it, too?’

‘It wasn’t subtle…’ Asahi says, quietly. ‘To be honest, I think they had been bleeding.’

‘Bleeding?’ Suga’s face fills with shock. ‘I didn’t realise it was that bad. I thought it was just sunburn.’

Daichi and Asahi share a look.

‘Okay,’ Daichi says sternly. ‘I see what’s going on. You’re too focused on your studying, you’ve neglected Yn. Maybe you should put the books away and spend some quality time with them.’

‘What do you mean?’ Suga asks, a little hurt.

‘Daichi’s right… I think Yn is really stressed. A lot of lip biting is caused by anxiety… I haven’t seen it that bad before, and I’ve known them for years.’

Suga pauses thoughtfully. ‘You’re right. The books could wait.’

‘We just mean–’

‘I have an idea,’ Suga says, grinning. ‘Thank you for slapping some sense into me.’

Yn arrives home sweating and tired, the heavy books in their bag weighing painfully on their back. They abandon the bag in the hallway and head to the bathroom, the light soft against their skin. They peer at their lips, swollen like a blossoming red rose. The urge to bite is strong, the pain satisfying momentarily distracts them from the bubbling anxiety in their belly.

Exams were only a week away but with the high percentage of worth the marks carry, anxiety had been slithering throughout the schools hallways like a giant snake stalking its prey, following students home so they could not find respite, even in their beds.

A knock at the door sounds loud and urgent.

As Yn pulls the door open, Suga almost drops the stack of books in his arms and the bags at his elbows.

‘Oh, Yn!’ Suga grins. ‘Mind if I come in?’

‘Of course,’ Yn says, bewildered. ‘Let me help you.’

In the living room, Yn places the stack of books on the coffee table, wondering how Suga could manage getting through them all with practice almost every afternoon. Despite being as passionate about volleyball as the others, he could somehow find the time to study when he really wants to.

‘So,’ Yn says, falling into the crease of the soft couch, ‘what brought you here?’

Suga glances at them, his mouth in a small frown, the creases between his brows knitted. ‘Look,’ he begins, ‘I have noticed that you’ve been a little… out of sorts, lately.’

Yn frowns, fidgeting in their lap with their fingers.

‘I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re less than beautiful, by the way!’ Suga says quickly, placing his hands on either side of Yn’s face.

Yn’s cheeks begin to flush. ‘What do you mean?’ They squeak.

Suga hesitates. ‘You’re doing it right now –’ Suga pauses, pointing at Yn’s lips, ‘you’re biting your lip too much!’

Yn swallows hard. ‘Oh. I hoped you wouldn’t notice.’

Suga smiles softly. ‘It took me a few moments to really see it.’ He hesitates. ‘I was too focused on studying, when I should have been looking out for you. I’m sorry.’

‘No, it’s okay!’ Yn blushes. ‘You’re here now! And it’s just anxiety, I mean, it’s always there, what can you do?’

‘Well…’ Suga says, turning to the coffee table. ‘I’m not sure if any of this will help, but I wanted to make up for not being one hundred percent there for you when you’re anxious.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘These are just some small gifts,’ Suga says. He opens the thick paper bags, revealing a fluffy blanket, a few lip balms, a small box of tea, a journal, and all of Yn’s favourite snacks. ‘I know it’s not much, and it can’t fix your anxieties completely, BUT I do think that tea will help, and maybe you can journal some of your worries and one of these lip balms is good for deterring lip biting, I think,’ Suga says quickly. ‘And of course, the blanket is for when it gets cooler and we can play games or something, together.’

A comfortable silence fills the room. Yn processes the gesture slowly, their eyes welling, their chest swelling with butterflies.

‘Oh no,’ Suga says, pulling Yn into a hug, pressing them to his chest. ‘I’m sorry, was it too much?’

Yn breathes in his scent, the clean soapy smell mixed with the day’s activities. Familiarity and safety is how Yn would describe Suga and his hugs, the gesture alone could deter them from the worries that plagued their mind.

‘This is too nice,’ Yn murmurs. ‘It’s just a bitten lip, why are you doing so much over that?’

‘Well, I don’t know what’s going on in the background – I’d like to,’ he says quietly. ‘I’d like to sit here and listen to you talk about what’s worrying you, if you’d let me. You never have to, if you aren't comfortable, but I’m always here.’

‘I get it now,’ Yn says, sniffling. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t want to bother you because I know you’ve been busy too. Exam season gets us all, doesn’t it?’

Suga laughs. ‘It does, but it’s my job to also look after you.’

‘Does it bother you?’ Yn asks quietly. ‘My lips…’

‘Well, it looks a little painful,’ Suga replies. ‘I’d hate for you to endure the pain or get an infection. That’s why I picked up the lip balm specifically for healing lips,’ he says, reading the back of the lip balm.

Yn curls into the crook of Suga’s arm, peering at the lip balm. Suga takes Yn’s chin, and tilts their head upward, gently applying the lip balm to their lips. The cooling sensation spreads over their lips like a lovely cool breeze. ‘It feels pretty good so far, thank you. Thank you for this. I never expect you to do anything for me, but this has made me feel a lot better – just knowing you care. That you’re here for me. Thank you.’

Suga smiles warmly, squeezing Yn against his chest. ‘If none of this helps you feel less anxious, I’ll just have to squish the anxieties out of you!’

‘Well,’ Yn squeaks, ‘I wouldn’t mind the cuddles!’

[99corentine]

How To Write Good by Corentine

THE DRAFTING PROCESS, PART 2/2

Writing guide continued! Here's PART ONE.

STEP THREE: THE START, THE END, THE BEATS

I’m of the opinion that every story should start with a bang. You could start mid-way through a notable event, as seen in GHD:

- O L H A - D - V - The words, incomprehensible, rattle around his head like the last rumbles of a great thunderstorm. Then, much like after a storm has passed, the air suddenly feels clearer, sharper. A sludgy fog he didn’t even realise he was in clears from his mind and he blinks, confused. The first thing he sees is his own hands.

If you want it to be especially punchy, you can start with a line of dialogue or a short sentence, like I did for T4T:

CHAPTER ONE: It is the end.

It’s reeeally easy to lose readers at the start, so you always want to write a strong opener. Something that grabs the reader by the collar and drags them in to read the rest of the chapter.

You don’t need to have all the details, but you should have at least a vague idea of how the story ends. If you’re writing fanfic that follows along the same plot as a game or existing story, most of the legwork is done for you – so writing GHD, I planned for it to end when Alduin was killed. As I got further into the story, I came up with a more narratively satisfying ending, because it’s okay if the ending changes. As long as you have an ending in mind, you have something to work towards.

So GHD’s original, very basic plot was:

START – the Last Dragonborn wakes up with total amnesia

???

He saves Miraak

???

They kill Alduin together – END 

Now you have to map out those ??? parts by deciding the major beats of the story, i.e. notable scenes. This gives you something to work towards other than the ending. I ended up with notes like these:

START – the Last Dragonborn wakes up with total amnesia

Who is he? Don’t spend too much time on this, not important, can be answered later

Goes to Solstheim, meets Miraak

Finds a way to communicate with Miraak – sneaks into Apocrypha? Shares dreams? College of Winterhold has psijiics, use telepathy?

Finds a way to save Miraak

Go to Apocrypha, confront Hermaeus Mora, save Miraak

They look for ways to kill Alduin together

Hermaeus Mora comes for them

Prolonged recovery, tells reader that even ‘redeemed’ Miraak is still scary

They kill Alduin together

What happens after Alduin?

(Redacted for spoiler purposes) – END 

The story beats should ebb and flow like the tide; high-octane scenes should be followed by periods of calm. You don’t want to do this too quickly or the story will feel like whiplash; rather this is a process that happens over many chapters. Let’s look at some examples in GHD:

⇈⇈ Miraak dominates telepathy and is really scary!! ⇊⇊ Chry wanders around Skyrim doing errands and Thinking About Life… ⇈⇈ Chry breaks Miraak out of Apocrypha!!  ⇊⇊ They recover from the ordeal and have a honeymoon period… ⇈⇈ They go to Blackreach and it’s visually awesome, and also Chry gets jealous!! ⇊⇊ They do misc stuff for a while… ⇈⇈ They talk to Septimus Signus, Mora shows up, nearly kills Chry!! ⇊⇊ Miraak whisks Chry away somewhere to recover in peace…

You see what I mean?

Right, you know roughly what’s going to happen. Time to turn that into words, baby!

STEP FOUR: GOTTA START WRITING

My actual writing style is its own separate topic so I’m not going to tell you how I structure a sentence or anything, just my literal writing process. 

In my chapter document, I start by making a bullet-point list of everything I want to happen in the chapter. What happens can, and probably will, change as you actually get the chapter down. That’s fine, you just need a starting point.

I very rarely write individual chapters in order, as in start to finish. Rather, I tend to write the scenes I can picture clearly in my head – then by the time I’ve written those I’m in a writing groove and the gaps in the rest of the chapter will come easier. When I’m done, I’ll stitch the individual scenes together, which sometimes requires altering the scene start or end to make the whole thing more cohesive.

There are times when the writer’s block takes me, and I have like two finished scenes and just cannot summon the words for the rest of the chapter. When this happens, to be honest, the only answer I’ve found is brute force: I sit myself in front of the computer, get rid of phone/alt tabs/other distractions, and force myself to type something. Or I hold myself hostage (i.e. ‘I am not allowed to play more Baldur’s Gate 3 until I have written GHD chapter 47’) that works too, for me anyway. 

Whatever it takes to get something on paper. What’s mostly important is to get something written, even if it’s not very good. You can always edit, rephrase or even rewrite sections later. Usually I’ve found once you start writing, you get into a groove and then it’s no longer a chore.

I also aim for a certain word count / chapter length while writing. I know a chapter is exactly as long as it needs to be and blah blah, but I set myself a minimum wordcount to reach. Or if I go way over the word count it’s probably because I’ve waffled too much, so I either aim to split the chapter into two, or to ruthlessly edit it back down again. 

For GHD I average 7,000 - 9,000 words, but I actually think that’s a bit too long and risks losing people’s attention span, so for T4T I aim lower, about 6,000-ish. Less is perfectly fine, but if I’m reading another fic I find a chapter length of 2,000 words or lower to be disappointingly short. That’s all personal preference of course, and certain fics will lend themselves better to shorter chapters.

Although I jump around scenes within each chapter, I make a point of writing my entire chapters in chronological order. If I’m on chapter 5, and I know something awesome happens in chapter 12, it’s imperative that I do not write chapter 12 ahead of time. If I do, I’ll reeeally struggle to write chapters 6-11, because I have already rewarded my brain by writing the cool thing. If I hold off, my enthusiasm to write chapter 12 may in fact motivate me to crank out chapters 6-11 in record time.

I do have one other thing – in my Scrivener projects I always have a document called ‘Unused’. Sometimes, usually at like 2AM when sleep has failed me, I’ll get a really good idea for some dialogue or description. I scribble it down somewhere (or it will be forgotten for sure) and later I type it into my Unused document, so it’s just filled with random bits of text like this (note, everything you see here is unused, so it's not going to feature in the last chapter of GHD):

At some point in time I’ll peruse it and think ‘yes, this line!!’ and drop it into a future chapter – again though I just write bits, not entire scenes or I’ll have written all the exciting parts already. Anything I edit out of a chapter (i.e. a paragraph I liked but didn’t quite fit) gets dropped here too, in case I can reuse it later.

STEP FIVE: FINAL EDITING

I will be honest, I’m pretty impatient. Once I’ve finished a chapter, especially if it’s one I’ve been struggling with for a long time, I want to publish it now. So I’m guilty of not editing as thoroughly as I should – but this is what I usually do and it catches at least most of my mistakes:

As a first step, I copy-paste the chapter from Scrivener into google docs. Remember I said Scriv’s word processor wasn’t the best? Yeah, it’s no good at picking up on dodgy grammar, but google docs is, so I run it through there and skim-check for wiggly blue lines, then make the changes in Scriv. You may not have this issue if you’re using Word or another more comprehensive software

In my great excitement, I publish the new chapter to AO3. As I re-read the chapter over there, I see a minimum of 5 glaring errors I somehow didn’t spot in the previous steps, and hastily correct them before anyone notices.

Once I know the grammar is mostly fixed, I run it through a text to speech software to read it back to me (surprisingly Microsoft Edge has quite a good one built in called 'Read Aloud'). You'd be surprised how many mistakes you pick up this way. I’m looking for whatever google didn’t catch, wonky phrasing, repetition (i.e. I used the word ‘quickly’ twice in the space of two paragraphs, that sort of thing)

Sometimes I do a re-read with a fresh pair of eyes, anywhere from hours to days later. If I have the patience, of course...

I like to get at least the first 2-3 chapters of a brand new story written before I post anything to AO3. This is to make sure my enthusiasm doesn’t immediately wane and I actually stand a chance of finishing it. After that I’m rarely more than a chapter ahead of what’s been posted, because go figure I’ll post the newly-written chapter once the editing is done, then start on the next one.

Some people won’t even post a story at all until they have the first draft fully written. This is admirable, but not always realistic – GHD is like 375,000 words, you think I would’ve sat down and written all that before posting chapter one and even knowing if anyone would read it? Hell no. 

But while you don’t need a story to be fully written, you do need it to be decently mapped-out. I used to start fics with absolutely no idea where they were going to go; I’d finish 1 or 2 chapters, get really excited at writing that much and hungry for feedback, then post something that I would inevitably lose all enthusiasm for and leave unfinished.

So, know how it starts, know how it ends, and know the story beats in between so you always have a goal to write towards. There will inevitably be fics that you never finish and that’s fine – it’s all writing practice – but readers don’t like to be left hanging, so try your best to finish! Even if it takes ahem four years or so.

⭐ ⭐ ⭐

And there you go, that’s my writing process! I’m not sure how useful that really is, but if it was I could write more guides in future? I have…

A guide to my writing style (this one might be hard to put into a guide but people like my turn of phrase so, maybe useful?)

How I write a sex scene

How I write a fight scene.