#and being ostracized was for the rest of us

[sundaynightlive]

I’m scared to see Barbie with my partner.

I’m scared because she experienced girlhood and I did not. No—I ran from it, my father’s wrong ideas and conflicting words clanking against each other in my pockets like loose change—I hate the way pennies make my hands smell. Like iron, like blood.

He told me I could be anything, but Barbie could not. He told me I was different—that I was extraordinary.

And then he fed this lie to three more daughters, and they obliged him, like cattle at the trough.

I grew up thinking I was Barbie, but better. I called her tacky—I thought the girls who played with her and loved her and wanted to be her were brainless and cheap—I would stick to my Legos, and action figures, and video games. I would beg my mother for Beyblades so I might battle the boys in the morning before getting on the bus. I would relentlessly commit myself to softball and soccer and being the best in P.E. (though I never came close).

And then one day, they all wanted Barbie. And I wasn’t her. I had never been her before, and I couldn’t understand it—what changed? What they had valued before—boys, my father, my mother—became something else entirely.

And I wasn’t it.

Suddenly, on top of all these other things, I also had to be girly. I also had to be pretty. I had to know how to wash my face and curl my hair and how to stop being a friend and start being a game. I learned there was nothing wrong with Barbie—in fact, Barbie was the goal, because she could do all the things I had done and still be a girl.

But I could not.

I changed, slowly and quietly, but never enough. And I’ll never know if I changed because I wanted to, or because I had to. I’ll never know if I adapted to their rules, or if I wrote my own after I lost to theirs. I’ll never know if I was the creator, and therefore, I never will be.

Whatever childhood it was I experienced could not be shown back to me in a theater—I had Barbies, but I was never proud of them. I never loved them. I opened them excitedly on Christmas, and profusely thanked the adults, but I knew what my father thought of this, and I could not rightfully enjoy this gift of girlhood if I wanted him to love in me.

And now he asks me why he sees himself when he looks at me, why he sees masculinity where there should be femininity, and I don’t have the heart to tell him all I ever wanted was to please him—that this macaroni-art gender I wasted all my time on was so that I would be more relateable to him, more likable.

Lovable.

So as I don my pink and curl my hair and paint my face pretty and sit in a theater, watching the ghost of what could have been join hands with the person who is, I will feel, in that moment, woman, and afterwards, carry out the sleeping little boy who finally got to embrace a doll—a doll who was not just girl, and not just woman, but everything.

The next day, I will buy myself two—one for both of us.

[jamiethebeeart]

:D (I ramble in my tags about this)

[jankillbride]

ginko 🤝 killy 🤝 the soldier from angel's egg 🤝 hopefully kim dokja: being outsiders/alone, even among any groups of people they join.

[vadlings]

Represention of Autistic Frustration in Laios Dungeon Meshi

Like many other autistic people, I related strongly to Laios Touden while reading Dungeon Meshi. This post isn't going to spend time disputing whether he displays autistic traits or not—while I could do that, I want to focus on why specifically his portrayal struck a chord with me in a way the writing of most other autistic-coded characters has not.

Disclaimer: as the above suggests, this post is strongly informed by my own experiences as an autistic person, as well as the experiences of my neurodivergent friends with whom I have spoken about this subject. I want to clarify that in no way am I asserting my personal experience to be some Universal Autistic Experience. This post is about why Laios' character feels distinct and significant to me in regard to autistic representation, and while I'm at it, I do feel that I have interesting things to say about autistic representation in media generally. This also got a bit long, so I'm sticking it under a read more. Spoilers for up to the end of chapter 88 below.

The thing that stands out most to me in regard to Laios' characterisation is the open anger he displays when someone points out his inability to read other people. This comes up prominently in his interactions with "Shuro" (Toshiro Nakamoto):

The frustration pictured above (Laios continuing to physically tussle with Toshiro, using crude language toward him) becomes even more notable when you remember that this is Laios, who, outside of these interactions, is not easily fazed and often exists as a lighthearted contrast to the rest of the cast. Then we get to Laios' nightmare.

In Falin's words: "Nightmares love emotional wounds. Wounds you hold in your heart. Things that give you stress, or things that were traumatic for you. They aggravate memories like that and cause the dreamer to have terrible dreams." (chapter 42, page 10.) (damn. i'm properly citing for this post and everything.)

Thus, Laios' nightmare establishes an important fact: even if he is unable to recognise social blunders while he's making them, he's at least subconsciously aware that other people operate on a different wavelength to him, and that he's an outsider in many of his social circles (both past and present). His dream-father's disparaging words stress the impact this has had upon his ability to live up to the expectations set out for him, and we also get a panel of kids who smirk at him (presumably former bullies to some degree). Toshiro's appearance only hammers home how much Laios is still both humiliated and angered by his misunderstanding of their relationship.

I've thought a lot about anger as concomitant to the autistic experience. When autistic representation portrays ostracization, it's generally from an angle of the autistic character being upset at how conforming to neurotypical norms doesn't come easily to them; as a result, they express a desire to 'get better' at meeting neurotypical standards, a desire to become more 'normal' (whether the writing implies this is a good thing or not). In contrast, not once does Laios go, "I need to perform better in my social interactions, and try to care less about monsters, because that's what other people find weird." His frustration is directed outward rather than inward, and as a result, it's the people around him who are framed as nonsensical.

The Winged Lion starts delineating Laios' anger, and Laios' reaction is to think to himself, "It can sense all my thoughts, huh?" (chapter 88, page 16.) This is the scene that really resonated with me. I'm not saying I have never felt the desire to conform to neurotypical norms that is borne from insecurity, but primarily, I know that I don't want to work toward becoming 'normal'—I don't want to change myself for people who follow rules I find nonsensical. It's the difference between, "Oh god, why can't I get it," and, "WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT?" (phrasing here courtesy of my friend Miles @dogwoodbite). And for me personally, Dungeon Meshi is the first time I've seen this frustration and the resultant voluntary isolation from other people portrayed in media so candidly. Laios' anger is not downplayed or written to be easily palatable, either.

The culmination of Laios' frustrations in this scene wherein we learn that Laios has fantasised about "a pack of monsters attacking a village" drives home just how alienated he really feels. I need not go into his wish to become a monster himself, redolent of how many autistic people identify/have identified with non-humans to some degree as a result of a percieved disconnect from society (when I was younger, I wanted to be a robot. I still kind of do.)

Obviously, wishing death upon other people is a weighty thing, but the unfiltered nature of this page is what deeply resonated with me. The Winged Lion is laying Laios' deepest and most transgressive desires bare, and they are desires that are a product of lifelong ostracization by others (whether intentional or unintentional). This is the brand of anger I'm familiar with, and that my neurodivergent friends express being familiar with, but that I haven't seen portrayed in writing so explicitly before—in fact, it surprised me because most well-meaning autistic representation I've experienced veers toward infantilisation in trying make the autistic character's struggles easy for neurotypicals to sympathise with.

Let's also not neglect the symbolism inherent to Laios' daydream. "A pack of monsters attacking a village". Functionally, monsters are Laios' special interest—he percieves everything first and foremost through his passion for monsters. His daydream of monsters attacking—killing—humans, is fundamentally a daydream of the world he understands (monsters) overthrowing the world that is so illogical to him, that has repeatedly shunned him (other people). I joked to my friends that it's an autistic power fantasy, and it actually sort of is. And in it, his identity is aligned with that of the monsters, while his anger manifests in a palpable dissociation from the rest of humanity. This is one manga page. It's brief. It's also very, very raw to me. I think about it often.

To conclude, I love Laios Dungeon Meshi. This portrayal of open frustration in an autistic character meant a lot to me, and I hope I've sufficiently outlined why. Also, feel free to recommend media with autistic representation in the notes if you've read this far—I would really like to see if there is more of this nature. Thank you for reading. I'm very tired and should probably sleep now.

[charlietheepicwriter7]

Despite Danny's best efforts, no matter how much time past, Amity Park refused to see Phantom as a hero.

Sure, there were pockets of support, particularly among teens, but most of the town blames Phantom for the property damage, saying if he didn't fight the ghosts then it wouldn't be so bad, to that time he got mind controlled by Freakshow and "attacked" the mayor. It wears him down. It wears Tucker and Sam down. Jazz can only try to support them all.

Then one day, a member of the Justice League visits. Someone minor, and kinda a jerk... maybe a Wonder Twin? Zan? Whatever. They don't investigate; they don't look deeper. They listen to the town folks and declare the ghost hunters, Red Huntress and the Fentons, to be the official heroes of the town.

Worse? Danny Phantom is officially considered a villain to the Justice League. Tuck hacks into the Watchtower and confirms that they have a file (a heavily inaccurate file) about how to defeat Phantom.

Danny doesn't think he can do this anymore.

A few weeks later, a young villain escapes into Amity and demands (begs) that Danny help them escape from the hero after them. No idea who, I can't find a lot of info on teen villains in DC, so let's fudge some ages and make it Kyd Wyckyd from the Teen Titans cartoon. Danny agrees, because to hell with the Justice Losers, and they defeat the hero, becoming friends in the process. Kyd confesses that they became a villain after being ostracized bc of how they look, and they've been trying to avoid villain organizations because HIVE was abusive, but it's really hard to be a villain alone bc of all the heroes.

Sam gets an idea. Tucker agrees with the idea. Jazz is just happy they'll end up making friends.

The next day, the Teen Villain Alliance is formed, ready to assist with any teenage illegal shenanigans their allies might get into.

Some notes:

It's created to be a healthier option for teen "villains" to connect with others and support each other.

It's more important that this is for Teens rather than Villains. They're tired of adult villains taking advantage of them. The TVA would rather ally with a teen vigilante than with an adult villain.

Again, no idea who the teen villains are, but Klarion is definitely here. He leaves the Light for the chaos of the TVA. Maybe Ember is there too?

Timeline wise, this is around when Tim is still Robin, but Damien has arrived at Wayne Manor.

This is because, when it comes time to try to infiltrate the TVA, they'll have a convenient child-assassin who has none of the monitors of a teen hero that Phantom immediately picks up on.

Damien, who at this point has been abandoned by his mother, dismissed and scolded by his father, and has had no success at carving his own place in the family, jumps at the chance. He is then surrounded by peers who don't insult him or try to change his behavior (too much; jazz is trying to help him find healthier methods of expressing himself). He... might not want to continue being a spy.

Danny, Sam, Tuck, and Jazz are the founding members.

Danny reinvents himself as the High Prince of the Infinite, Prince Phantom Dark. He got kingship from fighting Pariah Dark, but since he's still alive, he's only a prince. He steals the last name Dark as an intimidation tatic against those in the know; only Danny would have the balls to claim family with Pariah.

Sam works as a powerless villain, but she might no be powerless? Either way, Danny gives her a bunch of repurposed Fenton tech, and she buys the rest with her parents credit card. She does NOT care if that's traced back to the Mansons. She would choose something goth, maybe something spider related or even bat?

I love Pharaoh Tucker, so I think he should get magic powers? Since pharaohs of old were considered the balance between the real and the divine. He's still a tech guy, now he's a tech and magic guy.

Jazz isn't really a villain, more of a team mom who's planning on using everyone's psyche's as her thesis paper. You know what, that's her callsign, she's Psyche. Sometimes she flirts with Nightwing.

[sugarcoatednightshade]

Humans are Space Orcs story where humans are known for our storytelling and acting abilities. While these talents are somewhat respected, there’s a major stigma against humans because we’re also the best liars.

“Humans don’t actually feel anything at all, they just mimic emotions to trick others into believing them”

“Never trust a human. They lie like the rest of us breath”

“Humans spend so much of their lives acting, it’s impossible to tell when they’re being truthful”

“In human culture, great respect is awarded to ‘actors’ who are able to mimic other persons and emotions with startling accuracy”

“Some ‘actors’ are able to ‘perform’ hundreds of unique characters”

“Acting is so ubiquitous in the human culture that many consider it polite to lie”

“Sarcasm is a common, casual game played between humans, where one human says something untrue and the other human must guess what truth they are thinking. Humans unable to perform this ritual are often ostracized by their peers”

“If you see a human crying, do not immediately assume they are hurt. Humans have been known to use their ‘acting’ abilities to trick unsuspecting travelers into giving up an unreasonable number of belongings”

“All interstellar travelers are required to read up on popular ‘scams’ or ‘cons’ performed by humans in the region they are traveling to”

[princealberich]

HOW DO I COMPLAIN TO HOYOVERSE?

It's easy, and there are MULTIPLE things you can do! I recommend doing each item on this list.

1. SIGN & SHARE THE PETITION

The petition will be delivered to the appropriate cultural reps, in order to complain to the CCP about the negative impression this is leaving on Chinese companies. Genshin Impact is highly favoured by the government for the positive press it gives the country, and putting pressure on the 'big daddy' is FAR more likely to make Hoyoverse buckle.

As of right now, the petition has nearly 38k signatures.

2. EMAIL HOYOVERSE

Email them directly at genshin_cs@hoyoverse.com to state how this has affected your desire to continue playing their games.

3. USE THE IN-GAME SURVEY OR FEEDBACK

Genshin Impact has frequent update surveys, and there is a permanent option to give feedback at any time. You can find it in the Paimon Menu.

4. REVIEW BOMB

Rate Hoyoverse's games, particularly Genshin, with one star on the app store. This has already proven in the past to have an effect, when this caused the team to review the anniversary rewards.

Here is a guide on how to do this!

5. POST IN OFFICIAL HOYOVERSE ACCOUNTS' COMMENTS

Do not be silent! Speak up about your displeasure. It's important that these comments outweigh the rest! Show that we are the MAJORITY.

6. SPEAK UP

Use the tags!

#BoycottHYV #WhyAreTheyWhiteHoyo #GenshinImpact #FixNatlan

Be relentless.

FURTHER DETAILS UNDER THE CUT!

WHAT SHOULD I NOT DO?

The following actions should NOT be taken:

DO NOT spend money on Hoyoverse games.

DO NOT sent threats, to voice actors OR customer service staff.

DO NOT engage with trolls or racists. Block and report.

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT?

It's easy to dismiss this in the face of 'more important' issues in the world at the moment, but Genshin Impact (And by extension, Hoyoverse) is a very influential game and company. It is extremely popular, and directly influences MANY other games and players through this popularity.

This isn't an issue of 'just stop playing'- This is not anger for a game's decisions, it's anger for a precedent. It's a demand that not only should Hoyoverse care about representation, but other, smaller, companies too. If Hoyoverse can get away with it, so can others- But if Hoyoverse is held accountable for their exploitation of culture, then it sets the precedent that other companies have no chance of doing the same.

Like it or not, Hoyoverse has a lot of influence, and the CCP itself values the company for giving China a positive image in other countries. This is bigger than just being mad at character design.

EDIT: It was also pointed out to me that if POC were to simply stop engaging with hostile content, they would have nothing left. 'Just stop playing' isn't fair, plain and simple. POC deserve to play the things that they enjoy WITHOUT being ostracized.

DOES HOYOVERSE LISTEN?

They listen if there's no money lining their pockets, they listen if their reputation is damaged, and they listen if the CCP gets involved. We have direct evidence of this.

Review bombing alone caused Hoyoverse to reconsider the first anniversary rewards.

The CCP forced Hoyoverse to reskin various characters to comply with their laws, which HYV did. (This isn't necessarily a good thing, however, it is still evidence that CCP has influence over them.)

This is by far the largest outcry the company has seen so far, and MANY of HYV's voice actors have spoken out in support for the movement as well. This is not just playerbase complaints, but staff, too.

I recommend following AvenOfStrats on X/Twitter for further updates on the petition's progress, and on other ways to contribute. They also share plenty of resources on why this is important, and guides on how to complain.

[velvet4510]

Here’s the thing.

Many Bagginshield shippers, especially in fics, focus on how Bilbo never got over Thorin, to the point where some describe Bilbo’s entire life as sad and empty and unfulfilled because of that loss.

Don’t get me wrong: I do agree that he suffered terrible loss and undeserved torment by the Ring. And the fact that he never married probably did have some connection to the memory of Thorin.

But, y’all, don’t forget or ignore the fact that, in Tolkien’s text, Bilbo does move on from grief and live the rest of his life well.

He does not become bitter from his pain. He retains his kind heart.

He is generous with his wealth, helping in every way he can the very community that ostracizes him.

He sees in Frodo a kindred spirit and takes it upon himself to be the parental figure that Frodo so badly needs as an orphan.

He and Frodo develop an uncle-nephew (really more like father-son) relationship built on trust, keeping no secrets from each other, to the level where he tells Frodo the truth about his encounter with Gollum. (And probably the truth about his feelings for Thorin, too.)

He and Frodo have so much fun, going for walks every day, studying the Elvish languages, and throwing big birthday parties to show the community a good time. It’s plain to see that caring for Frodo filled that massive void inside Bilbo, finally giving him someone to love and devote himself to looking after, after his first chance at that (albeit the first being a different kind of love) was taken from him.

He does not see himself as superior to the lower class despite his riches, and always treats the Gamgees with the utmost respect.

He teaches Sam to read and write.

He tells his story to the younger hobbits, inspiring more of them to want to learn more about the outside world and not be so sheltered and ignorant…an effort which ultimately saves Middle-earth because the Travelers learn from him to be curious and interested in the lands outside the Shire, and he inspires them daily, as they constantly say to themselves “if Bilbo could go there and back again despite great danger, so can we.”

He even learns to love having a tarnished reputation, ultimately taking advantage of being “mad” to play a fun prank.

When he is no longer at rest in the Shire, he gifts Frodo all his property which will ensure Frodo is set for life, and through all his passive aggressive gifts to his relatives, he gives the Gaffer genuinely useful items that he knows will help him, including ointment for creaky joints.

He gets a peaceful retirement among his Elven friends, which he spends writing his memoir so that future generations will know all about his lost friends.

And ultimately, he embraces the special gift of an exception from the Valar and rare permission to set foot in the Blessed Realm for one last adventure, where he will continue to look after his beloved nephew.

And the fact is, he never would’ve gotten any of these things if he’d stayed in Erebor. He would never have developed that special bond with Frodo - he may never have even met him - and consequently, Frodo may never have met Sam.

Yes, a lot of his life was lonely and somber. But much more of it, even after experiencing such a tragedy, was full of love and joy and fun and excitement. He became an invaluable caretaker and mentor to the next generation of hobbits, got a taste of fatherhood, passed on his expertise and his story, and spent his last years surrounded by friends and family.

Bilbo Baggins may have lost the love of his life, but he did not give up on life itself, and he lived a full one. Don’t forget that.

[holmsister]

Ok, my long delayed post about Kabru and the Winged Lion. This does not end here, I'm adding more in a reblog.

Heavy on spoilers. Taking the extra material from @dunmeshistash who I apologise to as usual

Let's start here:

I don't care if you're a wasp you owe him 22 years of alimony

Two important takeaways here:

1) Kabru's hatred of monsters is caused not just by the Utaya catastrophe, but also from the fact that even before that, his unusual eye color was connected to monsters in local lore, and this led to ostracisation and, we can imagine, violence or at least the threat of violence towards him and his mother, serious enough that she escaped to Utaya, aka the place where the dungeon would kill her.

Kabru crucially does not place the fault for this on his father's family, but on himself for being born with 'monstrous eyes'. This is a normal way of reacting to ostracization in children, interiorising instead of projecting the trauma. It's much easier to imagine a world in which there's actually something wrong with you than one in which others might make you suffer for no reason. Monsters are also much more likely to be offered as an explanation by the adults than the actual more realistic explanations (infidelity or rape), which would not be considered appropriate.

This means that indirectly, child Kabru feels that his own 'monstrosity' is responsible for his mother moving to Utaya to protect him and ultimately dying.

2) in the Dungeon Meshi world there are specifically legends about *demon* succubi and incubi (real world lore says succubi prey on men and incubi on women and I assume that's what Laios is referring to with the distinction, but besides that lets assume theyre one and the same), distinct from the *actual monsters* succubi. The demons and monsters have a similar MO of using a person's desires to capture them, but while monster succubi suck a person's vital force, the demons supposedly use the men for their seed and the women for their womb to reproduce (again, completing dungeon meshi lore with bits of real world lore here). Laios, our local monster expert, thinks those demons are just legend. He tells us there are monsters that do use people as incubators for their eggs but I highly doubt that's Kabru's case, uncanny resemblance to a wasp notwithstanding (Laios...)

From here we go to:

Kabru's incredible rizz

This is where the tumblr search function spat in my face and ran away with the rest of my references while giggling. Oh well.

It's noted over and over in canon and extra material that Kabru is charming. More than that: Kabru *will do anything to get someone to like him*.

Worth noting that Daya and Holm *like* Kabru. This is not them disparaging an acquaintance, this is them levelling a criticism at a good friend, a criticism that seems to have been levelled at him before even ("it's no surprise...").

So, important takeaway: Kabru isn't just charming in general, he VERY SPECIFICALLY makes an effort to be charming. He needs people to like him, to trust him, and in order to obtain this, he's willing to lie and pretend.

Like with the Canaries: he needs them to trust him so they will keep him privy to their plans. So he plays up the poor innocent baby orphan angle:

And with Laios? The what (pretending to like monsters) we know, but why?

Kabru thinks Laios is the only one who can conquer the dungeon without the elves or the dwarves intervening and taking control. He is however very worried about his motivation. He wants to know why Laios is going so deep into the dungeon - beyond wanting to save his sister. What motivates him? Can he be trusted?

In the Toshiro chapters we find out that he has been trying to get in contact with him for weeks, possibly months, but this is the first time he has had a real possibility to meet him, and in order to make sure to leave a positive memory and possibly be an influence in the future, he pretends to be aligned with Laios' as much as possible, including hiding his hatred of monsters. I have written tons on this that has now been lost to tumblr like tears in the rain, but: I do not joke when I say that I think Kabru is flirting with Laios before and after the harpy egg incident. Let's be clear: Kabru's intentions are not romantic at this point. But he has noticed how lovestruck Laios was with Toshiro before their confrontation, and he's thinking, well, if I can get him to develop a similar crush on me, I can probably get him to listen to me more easily. Like I can mince words and put things in scary quotes but that's straight up what's happening. Kabru is trying to establish a close bond that wasn't there before: it might not be necessarily sexual, but it's definitely a type of seduction.

It kinda works.

The rest in a reblog because I ran out of space.

[gay-jesus-probably]

Okay so I have a lot of thoughts about the whole thing of the Gerudo being a race of entirely women, with the only exception being one man born every hundred years, and that man automatically being their king. Now this worldbuilding comes from Ocarina of Time, and there's obviously a metric fuckton of unfortunate implications there, because it was 1998. And it seems that Tears of the Kingdom is sticking with the lore of Gerudo men being extremely rare and becoming the King of their people, which once again has a metric fuckton of unfortunate implications because it's 2023 and Nintendo has somehow gotten even worse about this shit.

But let's set aside the whole... everything, and look at this from just the in-universe perspective. How does it work? I mean, it's pretty clear that there is no overlap between the kings; the old ones are normally long gone by the time a new one is born, but the Gerudo manage to take care of themselves during the hangtime. So they must have an established system of government and leadership that doesn't involve a king, and somehow that system is set up in a way that does a smooth transfer of power once a new king is born and old enough to take the throne. But why bother always declaring a random guy to be your King when you already have a perfectly functional system in place?

I mean again, the whole thing has a lot of sexist implications, but we're not looking at this from a real world context, we're examining it in-universe. And we could just go the lazy route and say that their king is in charge just because he's the only man, but I don't like that. I mean come on, the Gerudo are a race of entirely women, and most of their outside problems come from Hylian men being creepy about it. They are entirely a matriarchy; there is literally no reason for their culture to have an inherent respect for men, even if the man in question is one of them. And they're desert people; they live in an extremely harsh and dangerous landscape, if they don't have their shit together, they will die. By sheer necessity, their culture needs to put a lot of value in being practical, because if they're stupid about things, people die. They really can't afford to have a shitty leader take over, and just letting some guy take the wheel doesn't really fit with the way their culture must otherwise work.

So again, why the fuck do they bother having a King?

I think it's mainly just a ceremonial position. Yes, if the guy is a good leader he'll be in charge, but if he isn't good at being a King or isn't interested in the job... fuck it, they've already got a functional government system that's been leading their people the whole time, why fix what isn't broken? The title of Gerudo King isn't about leadership or power. I think it's more about belonging. Because the Gerudo are a culture where every single one of them can be defined in the same way... and there is exactly one exception once a century. Men are considered to be inherently outsiders at the best of times, and more often they're enemies. A man born into this culture is a natural outsider; he is completely unique, and that means he doesn't really fit into his community. And well... when someone is fundamentally different from the rest of their community, they tend to be ostracized.

So I think that's why the position of Gerudo King exists. It isn't about them needing or even wanting a man to lead them. The title of King doesn't need to involve any leadership at all. It's about giving the man born every century a place in their society. It's a way of saying yes, you are one of us, you are a Gerudo, you belong here, you are wanted and you are loved.

The Gerudo know that every hundred years, one of their children will be fundamentally different from all of his peers. And so their society is built to ensure that a child who is completely different from them will still be loved and accepted. He will always have a place in their society. He doesn't need to earn their love, he has it just for existing. These are his people.

The title of Gerudo King isn't an inherent position of authority. It's a promise of acceptance.

[larcenywrites]

Hey, I saw that you were taking requests for Kurt, and I have an idea that I would like you to write please. Can you do a Nightcarwler X Reader story where Kurt had a bad day from an unfavorable encounter from earlier that day from an anti-mutant crowd, which called him a monster and demon and other bad things, despite him just wanting to help people. Kurt is now feeling a bit depressed and insecure about his unique appearance. The reader helps reassure him that he’s beautiful and comforts him, and their bonding eventually escalates to NSFW stuff. I would prefer the reader to be of the male sex, but ultimately the reader can be whatever sex you decide. Thank you so much for your time 😊

(I’m sorry this isn’t funny-)

So sorry it took so long D: but I hope this is okay :)

What It Means To Be Human

Nightcrawler x M!Reader

Warnings: male reader but no pronouns used | unprotected because I’m always a slut | do I even have to say a little tail action?? It’s nightcrawler 😏 | some light oral | “somehow” I got into my tongue and spit kink a lil tiny bit sorry | porn with plot but at least the plot is loving on Kurt 😚

Word count: ~2,100

It was hardly late afternoon, and already the day had gone to shit. For a handful of people, that is, but unfortunately, that handful included your people and, more importantly, your person. Rogue had already told you about the angry mom of humans. The usual, as she'd typically describe it. But you knew that for Kurt, "the usual" was a little more serious than the term made it sound and a whole lot more familiar— Personal, even.

You quickly made your way to your bedroom, immediately noticing the lump beneath the sheets. You climbed into your side of the bed, lifting the covers to reveal the furball underneath. "You're in bed early," you comment softly, trying to keep a lighthearted edge to your tone. He didn't respond, but after a few moments of playing dead, he finally shifted, sifting up next to you and crossing his legs. Downcast golden orbs studied the sheets.

"You okay?" You ask softly, already knowing the answer. In his silence, you study his bare chest and low-waisted pajama pants, clearly drained from his earlier encounter.

"Yeah," Kurt eventually mumbles back. He turns to look at you, tired eyes studying yours, picking up that you already know. "It shouldn't bother me anymore," he deflects, looking down again.

With a sigh, you lean against him, not taking your eyes off him. "It's okay for it to bother you," you reason, leaning against him to be shoulder-to-shoulder and hip-to-hip. "You don't have to be strong all the time," you continue. "You've had to deal with their name-calling for way too long."

"The name-calling I can handle," he quickly replies. "It's being considered less than human that gets under my skin," he remarks, tail thrashing behind him and resting around you. It was tempting to just tell him it didn't matter what they thought, but for someone like him, it unfortunately does matter. He's had to spend his whole life proving it just to continue helping the very people who ostracize him.

Wanting to take away from the somberness for a moment, you suddenly push a finger between his lips to press at a fang, making him open his mouth a little. "What, you're telling me these things aren't human?" You tease lightly, watching him shrug away.

"Those are probably the most human thing about me," he retorts, clearly trying not to smile as he looks down.

"Then maybe that's why they're not my most favorite thing about you," you tease back, making him snort softly. You study him quietly for a few moments before speaking again. "You know, if they gave you a chance, they would find that you are the most human of us all," you add on much more seriously, resting on his shoulder and watching his reaction.

"That's the issue," he replies somberly, resting his cheek against your head. "I don't think any of us are going to get the chance to prove that."

The statement hangs in the air for several moments. They would never understand what he's done to be like them, nor what he's been through to be just himself, and each time getting the same treatment.

"They know not what they do," he repeats a verse that has left his lips plenty of times, fingers rising to fumble with the silver cross that hangs from the chain around his neck. "That doesn't make it hurt less," he confesses.

With a heavy sigh, you lift your head again to look at him properly. "Everything that you are now is because you don't look human," you state bluntly but lovingly, bringing a hand to his cheek and tilting his face towards you. "And is exactly why you're beautiful," you add tenderly, making him look down shyly.

"I know what I am, liebe," he replies quietly, almost defeatedly, leaning into your touch with a soft sigh. "And what I am not," he continues with conviction, a hint of a double meaning behind his words and a gleam of determination in his solid yellow eyes when they glance back up at you.

You smile softly at him, rubbing your thumb over the fur of his cheek before tracing over his lips. He may, in fact, look like a devil, but he was a handsome devil— your handsome devil.

"I don't know," you start. "They might've been right about one thing…" you insinuate, a hint of suggestiveness in your tone and a mischief in your eyes that he knows well.

"Oh, the 'handsome devil' line again; how clever," he mutters sarcastically before you can even continue, glaring at you with a badly hidden grin.

"Oh, you like it," you retort as you lean into him with a mocking pout.

"I do," Kurt's low chuckle breathes against your lips after happily leaning in with you, the grin he'd been trying to hide now on full display. The soft fur on his face tickled your cheeks and nose as you connected in a kiss. Something short but sweet, loving but innocent. Just the human connection he probably needed after today.

With lips brushing and noses bumping, both of you simply rested against one another for a moment, letting him enjoy some peace of humanity with a soft sigh. You could practically feel his sly grin as he pressed a deeper kiss to your lips, his tail unfurling from your arm to curl over your leg. With your own knowing grin, you eagerly kissed back, playing with the broad tip of his tail.

Kurt teasingly bites into your bottom lip, dragging it with him when he pulls away just enough to let you see the mischievous gleam in his golden eyes and smirking fangs, challenging you to bite back. Shifting yourself to your knees, you plant a hand in the soft fluff of his chest while simultaneously diving into his neck. This time, you sink your teeth into him, still not entirely used to the feeling of fur against your tongue, nor his slinking tail around your thigh.

Lulling his head to the side to give you more room to ravish his throat, his tail tightens around your thigh in excitement, and hands find their way under your shirt, squeezing your sides with similar enthusiasm before wrapping his arms around you instead. His tighter embrace convinces you to fall with him. Right where he wanted you.

Despite his lithe form, Kurt easily rolls you both, switching positions to have you underneath instead. With his arms still hooked around your lower back, it was also his turn to sink his teeth into the crook of your neck, fangs pricking at your skin. You hum lowly and wrap your arms around his back, trailing over the velvety feel of his fur and playing with the longer curls on the back of his neck.

Without warning, he ground into you, making you hiss from the sudden friction. The sound spurred him on, deeply rolling his hips into yours in search of more. The rough fabric of your jeans was both frustrating and delicious, creating just enough tension to have you both twitching and humming in pleasure, but leaving far too much distance between your aching cocks. Yet, you continued, feeling Kurt's hot breath panting over your ear.

The strong hands on your back gripped onto your waist, sliding over your ticklish skin and riding your shirt up with them. He barely lifted himself, letting you take his cue to undress, hardly throwing your shirt to the side before that fluffy chest pressed against yours again. Lips passionately pressed against yours, with tongue tracing your lip and a hand sneaking down to the button of your pants.

You parted your lips only for him to pull away, sitting up to properly straddle you. Your hips twitch towards him in anticipation as he unfastens your jeans with a familiar precision. It's not long before you've both managed to shimmy the rest of your clothes onto the floor.

Now nude beneath him, Kurt eagerly flattens his tongue against your tip, fangs barely peaking from beneath his lips. At your low moan, he continues down your length, purposefully leaving behind a messy trail of saliva and licking back up to gently suck the head of your cock. He's just as sloppy, making sure to coat your length in his dripping spit and using his tongue to spread it.

You can't help but bury your hand into the soft blue and indigo hues of his hair with a soft groan, threading your fingers through his curls. Barely lifting his head enough to make your hand fall to his cheek instead, Kurt gives your palm the same treatment, licking over your skin with an obvious intent in his eyes, simultaneously hooking a thumb beneath the waistband of his pajama pants and awkwardly tugging them off. But there wasn't much time to mull over his graceless maneuver when his own hard length springs out.

As he straddles your waist again, you eagerly take his cock into your wettened hand, digging your other into the thicker fur on his thighs. His moans are soft, like the rest of him, letting you slowly jerk him off while he struggled to align himself with twitching hips. Peach fuzz tickles your thigh as that not-so-sneaky tail sneaks around your leg and tightens on cue with its owner as he sinks onto you. Your own hips thrust up to try and meet him, making the cock in your hand jump.

Kurt moans through bared fangs, caught between the feeling of your gentle touch circling under his leaky tip and heavier pressure filling him, involuntarily rolling his hips even while trying to adjust. The movement, or the lack thereof, left you just as tense and twitching inside him. Panting in frustration, you moved your hand along his shaft again, hoping to spur him on.

With another roll of his hips, he couldn't stop himself from practically grinding on you, lips parting as his gaze is drawn to where your hand pleasures him. He licks his lips at the sight, only moments later letting saliva drip from his mouth and into the base of his dick, making you curse under your breath as you spread it over his sensitive flesh.

Kurt plants his hands on either side of you, back arched and hips finally lifting. You both groan softly, slowly moving against one another. Your nails dig into his thigh and your hand on his cock struggles to match the slow pace. Desperate to chase after the feeling, it's not long before he speeds up, bouncing higher each time.

The long chain that hung from his neck dangled wildly with his movements, a hand coming to your lower tummy to steady himself a little and to brush his fingers over your skin. Lying your head back with a groan aimed at the ceiling, you peered down at him through your lashes, his parted lips panting and the thick curls that hung over his forehead softly bouncing each time his hips reconnected with yours.

The closer you got, the harder it became to keep a steady pace stroking him. With a whimperish moan, he shoos you away, taking his aching cock in his hands, movements desperate as he jerks himself off. You take the other furry thigh in your hand, holding onto him and watching closely. Kurt tenses around you and stops abruptly, working at his blush-red tip and obviously close. Just as desperate for more friction, you thrust up to meet his stilled form, making him moan loudly.

Keeping his hips in your grasp while you fucked into him, it didn't take much longer before he lurched forward, movements slowing as he finally came, dripping onto your stomach with a panted sigh that showed off his fangs. The sight had your own movements faltering, sporadically rolling your tensing hips against him as you released yourself inside him.

Kurt releases himself as you both still, hunched over you and squirming. You're both panting, your hands playing with his fur and his thumbs barely brushing at your sides. The constricting tail around your leg finally unravels itself as he lifts himself from you, falling into your side with his fuzzy cheek on your shoulder and knees drawn up against you. You quickly reached over to the nightstand for a few tissues, taking care of the pool of cum on your stomach.

With his tail curling over your waist once you settled again, he cuddles into you, kissing at your shoulder before turning to meet your lips. Entwined with you in the sunlit room, maybe this was all it took to be human. Something he didn't have to share, something he didn't have to prove. Somewhere where he didn't need to be anything other than loved.

[0w0tsuki]

The concept of "Being viewed as transmisogynistic is worse than actual acts transmisoginy" has reached it's logical extreme and the term Terf has become so muddled that now it's becoming a common tactic to accuse trans women of being TERFs to have the veneer of trans allyship while harassing trans women. It's being used from "drinking radfem koolaid" said by trans androphobia truthers to "you look like a garden variety TERF" by a PickMe Transfem looking to throw her sisters under the bus to trans women being called gender essentialists for making egg jokes.

And it not just Terf accusations. It's also accusing trans of being Crypto Channers or kiwifarms users. Basically any predator of trans women are becoming the new smokescreen to harass trans women under and it's fucking insulting and disgusting. TERFs are a hate group that's specifically seeking our genocide. Kiwifarms is a site dedicated to doxing us and painting us as sexual predators.

Not only is it paradoxical and impossible for a trans woman to be a TERF but the attempt to paint them as one is an act of violence. It is attempt to to not only ostracize us from the wider queer community but from from our sisters. The very small community that we had to carve for ourselves to feel the smallest amount of safety. It's lying and giving otherwise trans positive people the greenlight to harass us and tell themselves that they are doing it to protect the rest of us from us.

If you find yourself falling for this you seriously need to reevaluate your allyship to trans women.

[ofswordsandpens]

what do you think could’ve been done better regarding camp half-blood besides spending more time there/pacing? i’d love to hear your thoughts!

!! okay I know you're specifically asking for things that could have been done better beyond spending more time at CHB, but straight up that one issue is really the crux of everything. -- The time we spend at CHB before the quest in the show is half the time we do in the book. (And for a different frame of reference, the book is aprox. 40% over by the time the trio is leaving camp borders.)

And since the show runners halved the pre-quest chb runtime, as a result we lose quite a bit of content that helped to establish context, tone, foreshadowing, character dynamics etc.

Because we have to prioritize Percy and Luke's relationship in the show, it forces the rest of the relationships that were established in CHB in the book into the background, (or simply makes them none existent):

We have pretty much only ever been told verbally about Luke and Annabeth's bond by this point (episode 5). They have a two second interaction at camp that's not particularly noteworthy and that's that. Imo that's not particularly compelling story telling lol. We'll likely (hopefully) get something from episodes 6-8, but I maintain we still should've gotten something more substantial between Luke and Annabeth at camp. I've said before, at bare minimum the show should have had Luke see them off at Thalia's tree like he did in the book.

I've mentioned this before but Annabeth and Percy's dynamic had a much greater establishment in chb in the book because she's the one that's his guide at camp and she actively seeks him out more. In the show, we have to give this role to Luke and while I can give this change between book to screen more leeway because, yes, we have the entire quest to build Percy and Annabeth's dynamic, I still didn't like that it pretty much forced Annabeth into the periphery in the show. As a result, it made her seem a lot more distant and aloof than she ever was in the book. (Shoutout to Leah's armor strap improv, she's doing more for Annabeth than the show runners are).

2. We don't really get see the effects of Percy being claimed as Big Three Kid at camp:

Yeah, Percy moves into the new cabin in the show but then almost immediately after he's off on his quest. Meanwhile in the book, Percy's claimed as a big three kid... and then we see how it ostracizes him.

He misses being in the Hermes' cabin. Campers avoid him. He sleeps and eats alone now. He has to have solo lessons with Luke because the others are scared. He's miserable! And none of those experiences were translated to screen.

Again, they told us that big three kids are taboo, but have not shown that impact.

Like the difference in reaction during the claiming scene between the book and the show pretty much sums up this discrepancy.

3. General loss of foreshadowing and tone:

Because we don't get as much Annabeth, we lose how in the book, she had been aware that something was wrong with the gods and surmised that something was stolen long before the quest. She shared this with Percy. It was a great showcase of her intelligence. It helped set the tone that something was wrong before the quest even stared. And all of it just, didn't really make the cut.

The hellhound attack also didn't make it and its just another loss of foreshadowing. Luke was straight up trying to kill this kid from day one. Percy was not safe even at camp. Things weren't okay ever.

The weather! Yes the boundary keeps the weather mild at camp but in the book Percy remarks on the huge storms that surround them at one point. Before he leaves there's a storm so bad approaching that the campers are nervous. Even before he got to CHB there were "inexplicable" storms all the time. I wish this had been maintained in the show even beyond the camp. The gods, Zeus, they aren't happy.

Also, I tried rewatching the episodes to find this convo but I couldn't so please let me know if it's there somewhere but I don't think Luke conveyed anywhere in the show that his quest "messed things up" for anyone? Like, sure, they could include this at the end, but I think it's more impactful when we see more hints of his bitterness early on.

4. Minor Nitpicks + More things I miss:

Annabeth should have gotten soaked by Percy's Supreme Lord Bathroom moment like she did in the book. Percy had flooded the entire bathroom and she wasn't speared. In fact, Percy was the only person who wasn't wet.

The self-filling goblets in the book + the blue Coke moment.

I wish the show had Percy like, white knuckling his minotaur horn refusing to let it go. In the book he saw it as the last souvenir of his mother, refused to let anyone else hold, and was afraid it would be taken.

Rip Argus :(

[botanical-babes]

CW: political cults, Jessie Gender, if you wanna stop hearing about her then scroll on

this is about why this cancelling is not like all other cancellings :V

Someone (not vagueing, i literally just dont remember the url as i post this, u can @ urself if u wanna lol) asked, validly, why people are so upset over Jessie Gender when she has barely any following, and not someone like Hasanabi who has a much bigger following.

And I think the reason a lot of us feel betrayed by Jessie is that she WASNT a politics channel. For all the "Lefttube" cult* (we will revisit this) changed her, she used to stick mostly to stellar commentary on Star Trek and very personal trans issues. This is what I think most of us loved from her before all this -- I think the Sex in Star Trek series being abandoned for all this shit is just a tragedy, for one. SO many Jews love Star Trek. It is perhaps one of the quintessentially Jewish shows of all time. And now she stabs us in the back -- et tu, Brute?

But I think the other thing is that we've actually just witnessed someone be subsumed into a political cult and watched them post one of the most bigoted things they have ever posted, as a result. :(

For a long time, I have watched what we know as LeftTube/BreadTube/etc start to grow, and I thought it started off fine enough, a group of creators similar enough that they started to become friends, show on each others channels, and collaborate.

But lately, and I think I noticed it especially with Foreign Man, I just feel like ... when someone gets accepted into the LeftTube clique, they undergo this process of Leftist sanitization and brainwashing into talking about a really specific loop of topics in a real specific kinda way. Its hard to talk about without visual examples, because like. Pre-Breadtube Foreign Man videos feel very different to the hyper-polished post-Breadtube videos in a way that shows he had to learn how to walk and talk and look like the rest of the group.

Its to a point that if you dont do that, they do ostracize you and treat you like you're stupid, like they did to Kidology who I think deserved private guidance and not a mass public shaming like she's an idiot instead of confused and working with some bad theory. I think F.D. had a responsibility to educate her on trans issues, and he actively made the decision not to because "I wont debate the rights of trans people, that makes me a bad ally." Like no, not educating others when you're in a position to do so makes you a bad ally. That's just one example of another minor but telling issue around Lefttube and how they operate.

And ... idk, I think for me there is an aspect of mourning the loss of a person to a political cult that comes with me leaving Jessie Gender behind. I genuinely don't think she can understand her bigotry until she steps back and puts being a leftist and "on the right side of history" lower on her priority list underneath "looking at the big picture and realizing how I am impacting other people."

We need to start talking more about Leftist political cults. Because I think we are looking at a lot more of them than we currently wanna recognize. And I think the video essay sphere of Breadtube is one of em. (I dont know enough about debate bro lefties to know if that has the same problem.)

[toweroftickles]

Hi (:

What do you think about characters of "Inside out 2"? Do we have some lees here?

Ok I somehow didn't experience the original Inside Out until like 2 weeks ago, and then immediately rushed to theaters for the second one, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it since! Of course the first thing I started daydreaming about was the chaos that would ensue in Brain HQ during tickles. So yes, I've definitely got headcanons. XD

EMOTIONAL * RESPONSES

When Riley Gets Tickled

Joy squees, claps, bounces up and down, the usual. "AAAH Tickle time! Awww, our girl is still so adorable..."

Disgust: "Mm-mm. I hate this. Hate it. Majorly messing with my zen."

Sadness: *confused and a little uncomfortable*

Fear: *open-mouthed and deeply uncomfortable*

Envy gasps and hops up to the screen. "Omigosh omigosh they're touching us. That means they like us and think we're cute, right? Right?!"

Anger: "Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?! You want a fight, kid?! I'll give ya a fight! Right up your -"

Anxiety: "Wait! There's a million possible variables in what'll happen if we decide to fight back! Accidentally punching them would be devastating to our network!"

Joy's not paying attention, she's too busy laughing and hammering the serotonin injector.

"I-I got it! Scream! Just holler, really loud!"

"GUHH, get out of the wayyyy; stop hogging this thing! We have to run! Come on!"

Ennui: *exists in French*

*Meanwhile Embarrassment is just spread out like a starfish and rolling his entire girth back and forth across the keyboard.*

When Riley's Tickling Someone Else

Joy takes the wheel here. The others know not to disturb a master plying her craft. She's an expert tickler, so she feeds Riley a whole bushel of fun ideas, and Envy is her eager troublemaker minion.

There is in fact a dedicated "Tickle" command button. The plastic is slightly stuck in the slot because it hasn't been used much.

Anger keeps trying to grab his levers and switches, but Joy usually shoves him to the side with her foot.

*tries to wrest control from Joy and rein her in*

*barfing in the corner somewhere*

When a Tickle Scene Pops Up in a Movie

Joy giggles happily and squirms in her seat, then boops the control panel so that Riley follows suit.

Disgust is a tiny bit antsy...she's not influencing Riley yet but she's on standby in case stuff gets weird.

Embarrassment gingerly taps the console at increasing intervals until Sadness pulls his arm away.

Ennui: Probably watching something else. Or doomscrolling.

When Someone Asks Riley if She's Ticklish

*screams like a little girl*

*hides, bangs head on the desk*

"That is NOT funny!"

"Oh no! What do we do; whaddawedo?! Riley's way too ticklish! What if they tickle us and don't stop for the rest of eternity?! What if they think Riley's laugh is weird and we're socially ostracized and forced to get a job in a fish cannery?!"

“Ew ew ew ew no. Lie. We have to lie right now!” *jumps for the controller*

*Joy grabs Disgust's arm* "Whoa whoa whoa, eeeaasy there. Let's just calm down...this is a fun question; we're having fun..."

Envy: "Ooo, what if they're ticklish and they want us to tickle them?" *already wiggling her fingers in the air*

"But if we misread that signal and make them mad at us, then..."

Ennui: *groans and taps her console app*

Riley, being super casual: “Meh…a little. Not really.”

Suddenly Riley's eyes dilate. Her throat hitches and there's the tiniest bit of pink in her cheeks. Everyone turns their heads to look at -

“EMBARRASSMENT!!! *dry heave* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”

"Ohhhh boy. There it is. We're doomed now."

When They Get Tickled Themselves

Come on, we all know that Joy always draws first blood. (Er...first giggle?) She's such a switchy monster. Tickling is her default method of cheering others up. It's canon. Case closed.

As someone whose default setting repels positivity, Sadness is not ticklish at all, and this actually upsets her.

*silently grabs the tickler by the neck and tosses them out the window*

Nobody protests like Disgust. She gets mad. She slaps. She hurls insults. She runs away. Disgust is both extremely ticklish and extremely touch-averse, so this is Code Red for her.

Fear is the type who doesn’t so much “laugh” as “have a shrieking, spastic outburst and breakdance like Sonic the Hedgehog in a malfunctioning taser-testing facility."

At first, Anxiety is overcome by stressful jitters, miserable and whimpering, and her whole body contracts. After a few moments of tickling, though, she starts to let all that tension out and relaxes into nervous vibrato laughter. It becomes sort of a therapeutic stress release, like her special chair.

It's not exactly the physical sensation of tickle torture that Envy craves, it's the attention. The sound she makes when tickled oscillates between wild, snorty cackles and the dulcet hoots of a baby owl trapped in a pinball machine.

Ennui is dead. No reaction. Her body is a neurological cemetery. ...EXCEPT for her heels and the back of her knees. (And if you thought phone loss made her experience Vietnam flashbacks...)

What do you think Embarrassment does? He plops himself down on the floor and pulls his hoodie so tight around his face that no one can tell if he's laughing or sobbing.

Misc.

As Riley's primary protector, Fear is always scouting ahead for any potentially-tickly environmental hazards, and gently nudges her away from catastrophe ("you forgot your shoes! put them back on before you walk on grass;" "don't lift your arms up around Bree and Grace;" "those massage chairs in the mall are actually full of rusty knives and drug dealers sleep on them;" etc.)

When Riley gets tickled, the emotions don't "feel" it, exactly, but they perceive something of a contact buzz.

These are typically how the reactions go, but they're not universal. If Riley's been in a bad mood, Anger might be more proactive in grabbing the handles. Embarrassment may have more or less of his body mass pancaking the buttons, depending on who's tickling her. (Like...a boy?! Or Val?! Or -) Standard variations like that.

Riley

Riley has an extremely ticklish tummy! That's her spot. (Just the vibe I get; IDK.)

Bree and Grace are really ticklish too, but Riley is the weak link... the member of the trio that the other two team up against. Lots of tickle fights and sneak attacks.

She obviously loves to laugh and goof around with her friends, but probably isn't over-enthused by that last part.

Val

The most popular girl in school, the tough athletic one - her adulating devotees wouldn't think it, but beneath that too-cool exterior, Val is very weak to tickling.

All the other Firehawks know, and like to tease Val by poking her.

She's a good sport about it and takes it like a champ - just yelps and laughs and pushes back. They have fun.

Lance Slashblade

Crop top alert. The abs are asking for it. (Just sayin.')

The thought of being tickled is intolerable to him. Even in this...what should be a moment of joyous camaraderie...he is haunted. Forced to laugh like...like some sort of...clown swordsman?! How could he be so weak...so degraded...so unworthy to carry the holy blade of his ancestors, they whose destinies were written in the stars ere these centuries long past? Will he never be a true warrior, with the strength to stem the tide of encroaching night? It is too painful to think about...the icy whips of humiliation, always ravenous and bitter in their lashes, strike! and cast him into the shadows and okay the joke's over now we're getting long-winded and edgelordery big words drama sparkling vampires and junk

(Also, yes, he Morph-Balls himself.)

[double--blind]

(SPOILERS) Ashley, self-esteem, and starvation

So, I adore Ashley. She's this intensely toxic, vicious, cruel, manipulative girl, and her psychology gives me hella brainworms. Andrew's not the only one whose head I wanna crack open and root around lol. She's thrown away the world just to keep her brother by her side, and she'll continue to do worse and worse for the same reason. She's pretty awful! I've been thinking about why, though. How did things get so bad? How did her soul get so dark?

We don't know everything (I'm waiting for those new eps patiently aND CLAWING AT THE WALLS AND FROTHING AT THE MOUTH but whatevs y'know whatevs I'm normal. I'm fine), yet what information we have been given is bumping around my brain like a DVD screensaver on hyperdrive

It's clear from the start that the roots of Ashley's issues lie in her horrible, neglectful upbringing, but it's hinted that even those outside of her family felt the same abt her. I'm lowkey even betting we'll learn later on that she was ostracized by her peers somehow. However, what's most disconcerting, I believe, is how little she was when the results of this alienation are first made apparent to us (bc kids aren't dumb; they notice this stuff oftentimes instinctively, impossibly young, before they even know what it means to be hated), and how devastating the consequences were.

(There's something decidedly childish abt her dream sequence in the "questionable" route—filled with crayon scribbles and rabbit plushies, the metaphors simplistic yet profound—which really hammers in how these sentiments are things that have made a home in her since childhood. Formative subconscious truths.)

Growing up unloved and noticeably unwanted by virtually everyone around her likely left her with a gaping hole in her heart that she'd spend the rest of her life trying to fill. She'd make friends, but she'd always worry that they'd leave her, that they'd betray her, nothing tangible or weighted enough in their connection to trust in its persistence. Why should she expect otherwise? Not even being bound by familial ties ensures affection if her parents are any indication.

Every lesson she'd ever learned had always taught her this: you are easy to abandon. You cannot love and be loved by virtue of your own worth.

You have to rip their affection from their clenched hands if you want it so bad.

This understanding carries with it an undercurrent of degradation, instilling within Ashley a constant, biting inferiority complex which will never fail to be a source of insecurity. She will always be put last. She was difficult to raise, so her parents gave up on raising her. She was difficult to get along with, so her friends gave up on getting along with her.

It's an odd cycle. She's difficult bc she needs to be to get attention, but bc she's difficult, she can't keep it. Not without having whatever fondness she's managed to cultivate within someone fray at the seams, volatile and prone to collapse, bleeding toxicity.

Hence, her relationship w/Andrew.

By being the only reliable constant in her life, caring for her and keeping her company, Andrew essentially became her only source of happiness, and she's since learned not to bother with anyone else. Still, it's dangerous to keep all your eggs in one basket; since he is all she has, she must protect her place in his life with even greater ferocity, which becomes a torturous ordeal when coupled with her damaged self-esteem.

It's apparent in her quarrels with Andrew that she needs constant reassurance that she is wanted in some capacity or perceived in some positive light (getting pouty when Andrew says he's "stuck with her", needing to hear that she's pretty, needing him to "choose her", wanting him to say he loves her back, etc. etc.), yet her insecurity remains, bc unlike her, he's got options. She doesn't think he needs her like she needs him. He's got a gf, their parents love him, her friends love him. Why would he settle for her? What if someone better comes along? Someone she can't scare away?

Wouldn't he just leave her like everyone else?

Even before getting locked in the coffin of their apartment, starvation's been a constant theme in Ashley's life. She's constantly aching for love, and Andrew's the only one who can feed her. When you're forced to fight for a bite to eat or suffer every moment you hunger, you become ravenous—covetous—when faced with food; you don't want the hunger to return, so you lock down the source of your sustenance, wary of its retreat. Ashley's in a permanent state of intense insecurity, always anxious that the love that gives her life will leave her.

Andrew knows Ashley better than anyone else in the world, and it's obvs to everyone and him how desperate Ashley is for him, but I don’t think Andrew has truly, consciously processed the depth of that desperation. It's there buried in his head somewhere no doubt, but rn, he doesn't operate w/the direct awareness that he is everything. He is brother, mother, friend, and soulmate. He is life and love, air and water, everything that is good in the world—everything that there is to justify existence.

It's heartbreaking, in a way, that it's so difficult for Andrew to convince her of his loyalty. This goes further than his tendency to hide his true feelings, bc when push comes to shove, he's at her beck and call. Objectively, he's hers. She doesn't see that bc all she sees is all the ways she can lose him.

So, she gets bratty. She gets pushy, possessive, territorial. Manipulative. Gets under his skin, guilts him to exhaustion, bc she can't see him staying any other way, bc he doesn't get it, bc it works. He bends to her will, for her sake. For now. It's always "for now", bc he'll start slipping away again, and then it'll get worse. She does worse.

Becomes worse.